God Awful Movies - 549: The Divine Protector: Master Salt Begins

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

This week, we delve back into the world of the Happy Science Cult for one of their live action features; this one about a seasoning-based vengeance hero.===To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BenMGGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. The kid goes outside on the porch to mope and a spirit ball lands on his hand and it says, I'm your grandfather. Take care. And it floats away and I'm like, take care? Fuck! I could have done better than me.

Take care. I'm going to flip back. I'm like there. Spirit ball from the afterlife and you stuck around to deliver the message, take care? Hey, I said take care. That was,

uh, I'm back. Measure twice. How many of roads must have, man, want to be an awful movie. Movie. Welcome back to the gamcast.

For each week, we sample another selection from Christian cinema just as God intended. I'm your host, No Illusion, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath. And right, Heath, welcome back. We're going to talk about Buddhism today. Very exciting.

Normal. Sort of. Sort of. Not a cult. Just normal. I was going to say, mainline Buddhist. And Shintoism. You're pulling out a diet cherry Coke and saying, let's all taste some soda, right?

Yeah, right. And of course, that voice is coming from 900 miles to my northeast and belongs to my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Fantastic, Master Noah. Are you ready to face the forces of darkness? Oh, am I ever? So Heath, tell us, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Divine Protector, Master's Salt, begins. It's the story of a magical Buddhist angel who hunts down and destroys the wicked, but is also quite bad at ethics. So Wicked is really up for debate. like hard. Yep, a lot of equivocation here. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you've enjoyed the wacky morality tales of the Happy Science Cult,

but you wish your viewing experience felt a bit more like falling back asleep after a bad dream, only to have that same bad dream again. You will love this movie. Yeah, we get live action Happy Science Cult this week, and it's just exactly the same, just less ambitious. There are six of these movies. Oh my God. Gentlemen.

Sace. I'm erasing them from the internet. The internet. Well done. I'm putting a single frame of new Mickey Mouse in their midst as we see. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the worst at? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst cosmic retribution.

Determined by a whiny middle. school diary. That seems to be the source of those ethics I was talking about. Like, if inglorious bastards ended with like revenge on the kid who had a better trapper keeper than me instead of the Nazis. Right, right. And I was going to go with best, worst, lyrical dementia. Okay. So the lyrics and the songs for this movie are always either A, trying to lull you to sleep, B, describing exactly precisely what's going on in the movie at that moment or see all the way bat shit. Yeah.

And lots overlap between B and C. No, that's true. Yeah. Exactly. We should also point out, and I'm sure we'll talk about this when it happens, but the lyrics to the songs are happening over the movie at all time. They appear to be heckling the movie with songs. Yes.

Right. Right. My impulse just now, as Noah was giving his best worse, was to be like, Noah is talking on our podcast now. Yeah. It's like when you first start a few. video game off and it's still got the commentary going before you turn

that off. Yeah. Yeah. It's almost like, me, m'n-mm-mm-that's you. I'm singing you. Do you know? Ubisoft, the movie. Yeah. There you go. And I'm going to go with best worst falling for the same happy science cult trick every time. This is our 900th movie

from the happy science cult. And every time we watch one, I go in my head, oh, this one's kind of weird, but it's not like crazy. And no, No sooner have I thought the word crazy than Hitler and Nietzsche show up to shoot it, God, and a Tang. That is exactly...

You were watching a... Well, I was going to say, like, that... Yeah, there's a split second where you could think not crazy, I guess. I'm trying to remember the credits. It's like the first four minutes. Yeah, right, as long as you ignore the logos. All right. Well, she's coming.

She's coming. So quick before she's here, she's here. We're going to take a quick break. Trust me, that made sense if you watch the movie. We'll be back in a minute with all. all the nonsense that is, the divine protector. Master Salt begins. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Okay, how about Tuesday? Well, can you do Pilates a different day? I'm not being unreasonable, okay? Hey, Eli, what's the matter? Yeah, did Chick-Fly tell you they won't open for you on Sundays again? No, no. Okay, first of all, I offer to convert for them. They're supposed to love Jesus.

And second, no, I'm on the phone with Master Salt. What's going on with Master Salt? Well, I got all these bad behaviors and thoughts as a person. Sure. And, you know, there are ways that I want to be better. But she's always too busy to summon the demon that's causing them. I mean, 707 is right after dinner. It's not like a good time.

Right. Yeah. Just a lot to unpack there. But Eli, if you want to treat your mind better and make better decisions, once you try therapy. Demon therapy? No. No.

Just regular demonless therapy, man. Better help does the initial matching work for you. So you can focus on your. therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate mean they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. That sounds great. It is. Your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash often.

That's better, H-E-L-P.com slash often. All right, guys. Thanks. Looks like I won't need men. Master Salt after all. Did you offer noodles? Oh, right, the noodle thing. Yeah, everybody likes noodles, man. Read a salt circle. Idiot.

Dude, are you sure you're okay? You fell really hard. Guys, I'm fine. I'm fine. I just, I really want to start this writer's room meeting, okay? Okay. You say so. Okay, so.

Oh, sorry, my head's just killing me. So, okay, so the movie, is about to divine protect her master salt. Okay, she's like a spiritual warrior who gets summoned to banish the demons that make people do evil things. Okay. Okay. That actually sounds pretty good. So what's the first section?

Right. Yeah. So first section, there's these school girls who summoned Master Salt to deal with a person who's being made to do evil things by a demon. And then she banishes him. Okay. Pretty cool. Yeah. And then that establishes her powers pretty well.

So then what happens in the movie? Yeah, so then these girls summon Master Salt to deal with a person who's being made to do evil things by a demon and then she banishes it. Sorry, just like again. And then the schoolgirls summon Master Salt to deal with the person who's being made to do evil things by a demon and then she banishes it. Phil, are you okay? Big bird. You want that end of the movie to be a big bird? You're just saying Big Bird.

Big Bird. Okay. You know what? You know, we're going to write the movie. And why don't you head over to urgent care and get checked out? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Big Bird? Big Bird. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to open up on the freestyle digital media logo going, trust us. This is just a normal movie followed by the happy science logo going, fuck it is. Yeah. These logos enter the way Heath knows.

and I enter restaurants. Can I say that happy? That's a dumb adjective for science. Thank you. It shouldn't have an emotional adjective in front of it ideally. Fair. So, and then, okay, this is weird.

The first thing we see on screen is it goes three years ago on March 3rd. Okay. Yeah. You have to do a thing in the now. Then you can go back. You have to do some kind of cold open here. Right.

I like that no matter when I'm watching it, it was exactly three years. ago on March 3rd, though. That's a good call. Apparently, yeah. So we see this young woman, she's riding on a bus to a seaside town. She gets there. She prays to a shrine. She brings some flowers to Buddha. This is also where we get our first song and I wrote in my notes, oh my God, it's a musical. Oh my God, it's a musical. Yeah. Well, it's not a musical, but there is some singing. But it's like a musical just for thoughts. Like, sure. That's an aggressive narration of what's happening. I would argue that if at any point the camera pivoted

from the soundstage this movie was shot on to the musical that was being shot next to it, it would have made a lot of the movie made more sense. So, okay, so this is the first time we get my best worse, right? Because the lyrics at first are just like, you know, oh, the sun shines off the flower petals and it's a beautiful day or whatever,

and you're like, okay, so it's just been all fucking lyrics. But then if you pay more attention to them later, they're like, and I have lived 800 years and cannot love human men, and it's like, what is happening? Okay, do you ever tell a story? You're at like the bar or whatever and you're telling a story and this happens to me sometimes because Anne has heard many of my stories and sometimes she'll roast me by just like

telling the story right as I'm telling the story. The biggest violation in a marriage. That's the worst. That's the narrator song in this movie. I would rather you start to blow everyone at this TGI Fridays than not listen to one of the four stories I've gathered in my short short life for the, 50th. What the fuck are we in this for if not for you to just let me

do my piss? But it's also like, it's also got that, the story itself though, has this feeling of like when you're telling a story to a big group of people and you realize that nobody's listening so you just start saying insane shit to see if you can ring them back in. Yeah. That's where I start. Fair. So yeah, so she bows to another

shrine. That makes three shrine bows in the first four minutes of the movie. She brings one of the shrine's like florist, flowers. Right? Like, I know people bring Buddhist shrines like flowers,

but it doesn't, they've got like the grocery store wrap on them. It felt inappropriate for some reason. It felt like a romantic gesture to Buddha rather than a religious one. Like, it's still got like a receipt for also cheese, you know,

and it falls out. Right. And so, yes, on her last bow, she gets a, there's like a sound effect. Like her sword skills just leveled up or something. And then our title burst through the clouds

on a sundae. beam, it says the divine protector. Master's salt begins. Fuck, yeah, she does. And then we get a title card. We get our first chapter title, which is Introduction, Living Ghost. Okay, movie, I'm listening.

Right. I think that's just a guy, but I'm willing to get you out. We'll find out. So we started on All Girls High School. I wrote in my notes. I might not have the most realistic picture about what goes on at these schools, gentlemen. Just, um, check in with me.

I just, I would like the entire time I'm watching this movie, I've got an excuse in my head, right? If Lucinda walks and it's like, no, this is a happy science cult movie. No, I was it happening. There's a cult. None of them are going to fuck. Tentacles. None of them. Hey guys, sorry about the technical difficulties.

Eli's going to be gone for the rest of the show. I don't know what's happening. So, okay. So a girl's walking through the halls of her school and she senses a ghost. So she runs to the occult research club, which seems like exactly the place to run if a ghost is chasing you, I guess. It's a great plan. Yeah. They get their own room?

Yes. They do in the school? It is dedicated to nothing but their occult club, which is three students. It's got its name on it, like a wealthy ghost donated the room. You know what I mean? Yeah. A little alien outside. Yeah.

But she gets in there and she's like a ghost is wandering around behind me. And her friends are just like, hey, hey, A, one thing at a time, my poster has been ripped. Yeah. The ghost is toward the. their poster. Yeah, the ghost, but then they realized maybe there's a curse going on because the first girl that sends the ghost, this is Nanaco, she's been getting

creepy texts, just like a ghost would send. Yeah. Also, there's a very important science journal or tabloid magazine, one of the other, that has a story about ancient curses that are like on the rise

recently in the area. But she takes out her phone, she's like, yeah, do you think anybody's mad at me? And then she turns, and she has what appear to be pages and pages of death threats from someone that she hasn't brought up until just now when she felt like she was being followed by a ghost. Yeah, right. And so her friend Rooney is like, yeah, I have just the teeny bop magazine for that. And she shows her about the curses.

And it says in the magazine, it's talking about this divine protector that can repel curses, who it calls an internet sensation, an urban legend. because they think urban legend means that she's legendary in urban area. Also, weird that the divine protector is an influencer. Right. I think that's an interesting pick. She has kind of like an X-ray glasses comic book ad here. Right, right.

Sharing space with the sea monkeys. So, okay, so now we're in history class. And this is, okay, normally I wouldn't even bring it up. But they're learning about when Buddhism was introduced to Japan and the, The teacher is going like, well, yeah, and then, you know, Buddhism sort of melded with Shintoism because happy science is trying to say, see, you can just smush religions together. That counts. Happens all time.

They've done it. Guys, they did it in 538 and it worked out awesome at the time. Don't Google it. Okay, so here was my experience of this moment. Somehow there's no subtitles happening and it's all in Japanese. And I was like, you have to fucking tell me what they're saying. I don't speak Japanese. Like the subtitle guy, it felt like to me anyway, that he was just ignoring stuff.

Like it's like it was tricking Donald Trump at a meeting with Putin and not doing the Russian translation at all. Right. Yeah. But somehow I had turned subtitles off. I turned it back on. Oh, that'll fuck you right up. Oh, okay, good. I was going to say, I thought they just like hadn't filled in enough details for you.

Yeah, right. It was like, but how did she say it's subtitle man? So yeah, but as he's doing this lesson, then Nanico falls out of her chair and everybody freaks out. they run up to her and one of her friends notices that she's got ghost finger marks around her neck. And I was like, oh, no, never mind, I have seen this movie. Yeah, right, right.

So then she wakes up in the nurse's office. Apparently her two friends from the occult club, this is Rooney and Miki. Apparently they're just allowed to sit there with her until she wakes up, which is nice. Staring, stand, standing on either side, staring at her unconscious, but that's what we did when you had your heart attack.

I don't know that. Which was weird because I was conscious the whole time. We held hands above you. Yeah, the strangle marks were Eli, by the way. Well, yeah, no, I figured. They were both of us. partially Eli. We did a kind of ghost thing with your sleeping ass.

We threw you like a clay pot for a little while. But apparently, so we learned at this moment that at 7.07 p.m. or AM, I guess probably both, on the seventh, you can summon the divine protector from that magazine. a Zine ad, right? Yeah, that's going to be important because they're going to have to time their shit to exactly stuff with sevens. Hey, just note for divine protectors out there. Maybe make yourself available a little bit more.

If there's especially like a demon involved, you know? Sure. Get an app. Sure. Yeah. Any time, like an Uber kind of thing. Yeah. Like a choky pedophile demon, just like be available for like all the times that that's

Yeah, there you go. She also drives for Uber is what it is. Yeah, right. When the peak is over, she turns it off. She's a divine protector. So that night they gathered together to summon Bloody Mary. And the first thing they got to do is make a big pentagram out of salt. Then he burned some incense in the middle.

And then a tornado appears in the middle of the circle. I wanted so badly for another teacher to walk in on this and be like, okay. This club is weird. I thought all of them were going to be like, ah, fucking eyes. A lot of salt. Yes. Oh, no. Yes, pocket salt.

Divine Protector shows up. Really, sorry, but I do a tornado entrance. Got you guys. It's with the salt. I see now. I see now how that's made. Probably dumb days. You should do it either a tornado or a salt circle.

I see that. Oh, my tornado and that. Now my song is, she is here. Because I'm, I'm, my salt's in my name. So then, well, so this is the first time we hear Master Salt's theme song, right? It goes like, you know, Master Salt, she's coming. She's coming. She's here.

She's here. And then she like appears in the circle doing like the superhero landing stance. Okay. I want to talk about the implications of this because there are a lot. First and foremost, we need to talk about the fact that Master Salt looks totally normal. Right? She doesn't look superhero-esque. She just seems like a lady.

She's just the lady that was bound into the statues in the cold open. Right. Just, you know, Gia and Hakima. I would assume she was going to be like the daughter of Master Salt. or like Master Salt's fun friend who has history facts. But she's Master Salt and she shows up. She looks like your mom's friend who went through a bad degree. You're just like, oh, hey, how you doing Master's?

Like she does not seem like the demon conquering type. Sexist. This is sex. This is pure sexism. She seemed like a demon conqueror to me. She seemed like a demon conqueror to you. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. All right.

The second implication of this summoning is that wherever this lady who has a real life that we just saw, that involves bus riding so she can't fly because if you can fly you never ride the bus, right? Sure, fair. So this lady is sometimes just going about her day, right?

Reading the paper and then she gets sucked into a cult classroom to fight a demon? What if she's shitting? Right, like she's running FEMA. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I mean, she knows it happens at 707,

but I bet there are times where she kind of has to be and she's like, I'm going to wait and see if anybody sucks. At this particular, yeah. I'm going to wait until I'll see if someone's something. Shitting text you back at 707 in the morning. But this is where MasterSelt, she turns to Nanako and she goes,

you are tormented by a living ghost. And we're like, no, yeah, we read the title. We read the title. So then the girls bring Master Salt into their clubhouse crystal shop or whatever. And they're like, so what the fuck would living ghost even mean? Right. Okay, I like that before they can get into the business of this, the divine protector has pretty serious ADHD

and gets distracted by the hanging crystal thingy and flicks it for a second in place with it. And they're like, hey, hey, focus up. Got a demon. Are you a cat? She also negates their small talk. They're like, so tell us. How did you?

And she's like, I actually just want to talk about Chris. Just do curse stuff. I'm working. I know that you're moving a shit. I was like holding a shit in because I figured you guys were probably going to. You put some salt out. And so now I'm just here.

And like the comic book ad was when I was early on. And now I still get a lot of advertising from it. It's just, just want to talk about cursions. So yeah. So they're like, what is a living ghost? That doesn't kind of make sense with the lore of ghosts. And she's like, yeah.

So it's the energy of a living person with strong, vengeful thoughts. And I'm like, oh, a pre-ghost then. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, Noah, how does it feel knowing that you are sending out constant living ghosts? Fucking factory. Route 92B is just. just being strangled at all times.

So, yeah, but so Master Sol's like, yeah, you've got just sort of an ordinary, generic curse, but fine. I will get rid of it if you get me noodles first. Fair enough. So they order noodles. Apparently, in this part of Japan, they have a form of DoorDash where the delivery guy shows up with your meal, like already plated in a ceramic. Yeah, that's fucking rules. Fuck yeah. That would be amazing.

I assume this is a fictional construction, but if it's not, we should. should have done this when we went to Japan. Fuck, yeah. Got the guy who's dressed like a noodle chef? Yeah. Awesome. And, of course, the noodle chef delivery guy is just one of those, you know, no small parts kind of actors, or you just can't keep him from Schick.

So, okay, so she, Master Salt gets her noodles. She loves her noodles. And now it's time to start attacking fucking ghosts or whatever. I feel like you do the demon banishing before you eat the noodles. Now she's going to be all full. Right? What if you have to run? But like you want some blood sugar, you know?

What if the demon runs? Yeah. Yeah. I'm torn on this. So she does her little summoning. I like to have soup before and after everything I do. Sure. After all your action sequences, yeah.

That's good idea. So, okay, so she does her little summoning thing and smoke starts pouring out of Anonico's neck. Right? I feel like you warn about that. Yeah, though. There you go. If like evil neck smoke is going to happen to a good character, you're like, hey, I'm going to do a thing. But there will be evil neck smoke fly.

lying out of you. So just like just a heads up. Yeah. Don't worry. It's going to be for a good thing. A little more noodles. So yeah. So we get this,

we get this ghost now. And it's just an angry little girl. And we find out that it's just, it's one of her classmates that doesn't like her. Mm-hmm. Right? But really doesn't like her to a ghostly degree, apparently. Yeah.

This is I and she is mad at her for flirting with her, the guy she likes, apparently. Well, she goes, she took everything for. of me. And the girl, Nanico goes, oh, you're one of the quiet girls. And I wrote in my note, hey, not the time. She's a demon ghost.

She's obviously here to kill you. Like, fucking learning it. Oh, I remember you. You did that fun present. Not fucking, oh, poops or pants. Chunk, right? Wow. Do it. Do the dance.

All right. My mom. So, but Master Salt, doodily do's everybody back to when they all got their final exam results. And Naniko got the very top grade, but A.E. got 14th place. Right. And then demon A.E. is like, die, die, die. And I was like, wow, okay.

Like, straight to murder, though? Like, you can be competitive. I get that. Hey, I, maybe turn a little of that angler inward and study a little harder. There you go. Yeah. Maybe get good. She, like, stares at her with this fairy.

I'm totally going to curse you with a choke ghost later, look on her face, and then she runs away. You guys remember when the grudge in the grudge was that that lady had been beat up by her husband and then left her kid in the bath entirely her own fault, unfortunate? That's the second worst ghost I know about now. Eyes number one and the grudge ghost is number two.

Fair. But then we cut to the boy that she likes, and he comes walking by. This is a different memory where the boy she likes, walks by and ICE tries to stop him. And she's like, hey, Haruto, what's up? And he's like, do I know you? And she's like, fuck.

Uh, uh. And then he goes and flirts with Naniko instead. He goes right over to Naniko. And he's like, hey, not ago. You are so smart. You're probably like best at the test and not 14th. Should we fuck now? And then demon ghost does a demon yell, like a scary demon yell.

Yes. Yeah. I had it as a demon bark. But demon yell is just fine too. Yeah. Yeah, it was barky. So now we're, so we're back in class. We're seeing the scene where Naniko got demon choked.

But this time we can see eyes ghost. Like she lays down, lays her head down in class like me through 90% of high school. And like a ghost popped out of her to walk over and choke Nanico. I feel like you'd notice that. Someone was asleep and glowing with black fire. You would think, yeah, we didn't see it the first time around apparently. Mr. Schmenderson, you see what's happening here? You see.

Eyes glowing again. Yeah. I'm worried she's going to take out her own insecurities on a class. I have to go to the bathroom. I mean, somebody has to be sitting right behind her, yeah. We have class outside. So then we cut, we're out of the doodily do. We unswushed the doodily too.

And Naniko is like, wow, that seems like a really minor thing to curse a motherfucker over, right? Yes. To which the demon replies, you're insensitive. Right. Yes. After we just saw her choke at her death. But then Master Salt takes the demon side and is like, well, Naniko, now you are a little bit at fault for being so awesome, though. Right? Yeah. So I love a nerd revenge fantasy against the popular kid. Love it. Love it. This feels like a lot. This feels like a couple clicks past where I'm cool. Yep. So, yeah. So but Master Salt berates Nanico for being. better than everybody else.

But then she turns to I and she goes, but you're the evil one, though. You did the strangling. So I got to actually do the banishing. Yeah, right. You strangled first. So this is the first time we see the Z dollar sign of banishment.

Fuck yeah. She can do this, what, five fucking times through this movie as she banishes the movie's various demons. And here's her magic spell for banishing. Are you all ready? Repel, return, reflect. Yeah.

Occasionally there's a yay at the end of it. But yeah, she does that. She draws a Z and then she draws a line across it and the demon gets salted, right? A bunch of salt falls on the demon and it dies. Do you think Master Salt tried out a bunch of salt-based catchphrases and then decided against it? Absolutely.

I would have decided for it. Try not to be salty and no one laughed. You got seasoned, season. Seasoned. Oh, shit. Assault and battery. Oh, goddamn. Bam, remember Emerald? Master of salt.

Ah, yeah. Sergeant Pepper. Nope. Come on. That should have been her assistance name. Exactly. Spoilers. So, okay, but then Naniko's ghost bruises are all gone.

And Master Salt turns to her and she's like, okay, now try not to piss off any more jealous demon girls, okay? And she goes to leave. But Nanico is like, hey, how does one get into the divine protector business? Uh-huh? And she's like, you have to be trained and believe in yourself for some shit. And the girl's like, yeah, no, that's, I'm asking you to train me. That's why I'm asking you specifically. And there's a pause.

And then Master Salt goes, well, let me know if you ever know. Yes. Okay. 707 or whatever. All right. So you should have me on your podcast. So if this happens to you, if you're able to summon a Master Salt Protector divine angel, whatever.

And I am. Okay, cool. So I'm assuming you overused the fuck out of that for tiny little grievances. A hundred percent. Well, that's probably why it's only at 707 on the seventh, right? Maybe it was just like, okay, we're going to have a 24-hour thing. And it was for the 13th time, it was like, hey, I asked if the laundry was done. And the response this time was a little snippy.

Would you just check and see if it's... Yeah. So, okay. So then we head to a city. And a narrator babbles about the nature of curses, right? Because that's what this movie is really about. The happy science cult has this idea that everybody's bad behavior comes from a demonic curse or whatever. And they're trying to, like, mainstream that with this film, right?

So we see a bunch of flashes of characters that we're going to meet later, right? We see the gangster who's angry with somebody on the phone. We see a handsome businessman proposing to someone at a restaurant. We see a professor on the news insisting that the mysterious. balls of light everyone's hearing are just natural phenomena. Just plasma. Just normal plasma. Normal everyday plasma.

This guy was fun. This is like Professor Atheism. So the news people are like, okay, so we saw some interesting lights. Professor Atheism, many thoughts. And he's like, not magic photons. Fucking plasma, damn it. But he's like evil. So it's like, it's photons.

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So we meet Professor Atheism there. And then we see another guy with Anchorman. management issues who's about to get fired from his job if he doesn't do better next time. Right.

Yeah, he gets yelled at by his boss and so he cries and kicks a trash can across the room. Yeah. And then we see fucking MasterSalt clipping some flowers for a minute. No idea what this scene is doing there. A lot of flower stuff in her spare time. I mean, I guess you can't just always be the divine protector. No, it's not always 707. Yeah.

It's like whenever you see Superman doing Clark Kent stuff and you're like, yeah, but there's There's rape happening somewhere, right? And you can hear it. Yeah, right. Oh, are you and Lewis on a nice dinner day? Okay. You're going to reinstall that app right now? Oh, interesting.

That's cool. It's okay. Oh, smart lights in the house. That's fun. So then we get a title card that says greed, excessive desire. So, yes, the movie just went all. The Oxford Japanese dictionary defines greed as in its title. And we cut to an old woman doing laundry.

And, you know, when I wrote that in my nose, when I wrote old woman, my instinct was to type older woman. That's the first real difference of being 50 that I've noticed. Yeah. When you start adding words around old people to make them. A distinguished lady. And some older ones. Lots to live for. Yeah.

And then this woman who has apparently lots in common with me too hurts her. knee immediately with very little leg motion at all. And I was like, that's what happened to my entire torso yesterday when I looked somewhere. Looking will get you every time. You kind of stop looking. That's on you. Looking's a young man's game. I just carry a spoon now and kind of like shine it in different directions.

Good call, yeah. I would rather stick a rearview mirror onto the forehead of whoever I'm talking to. So then, okay, so then we get a, she gets a call from a scammer, right, who scams her about some COVID subsidies. And we fill in the details on this. We go back to the high school UFO club or whatever. And we learned this is Reno's granny. And she's like telling her friends that her mom got, or her granny got scammed out of like 20 grand or whatever. Right.

The friends go, did you report it? And I'm like, why would that fall to the teenage granddaughter? But she says, yeah, yeah, no, mom and dad reported it. Cops can't do shit because they suck. Yeah, fucking suck. But they have an idea because whoever scammed that old lady must do that, right? Because you probably don't do that just once. It's not like a hobby you try one time and then don't do again.

So maybe he's cursed. With a demon, yes, they're like, well, maybe Master Salt can do something about it. Okay, I'm so certain. Eli has recently done some sort of phone scam. It's no other explanation for that phrasing, yes. I would do one phone scam. Okay. So quick before you admit to more than you intended to, we cut to 707.

So apparently it's not just the 7th. You can also do this on the 17th and 27th of the month. Yes. Salt Magic works with sevens. They're all about base 10 specifically. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Base 10.

I have to line up for. dates and times, yeah. But this time she is on the shitter, right? Because when they, when they do the, they make this salt incense circle or whatever and they burn the incense or whatever and the tornado shows up. But instead of Master Salt appearing, there's just a note that says 635 PM, October 20th, Omori, Tokyo. Hey, busy, everything okay, colon P. Because it looks like a little tongue out. Yeah. I honestly thought that Master Salt was like kind of giving up and being like, all right, I'm not doing stuff. They're overusing it. And Craig Chapman.

Yeah. She shows up and she's just like, you get him. No, COVID hospital was real. I just need some Bitcoin to get started. Yeah, right, right. Your grandma. Poof. As I understand it, your grandma is pretty easy, actually.

So, yeah. So, but then we, so we cut to a, it's a few days later. And we cut to that gangster dude that was on the phone. That's a very beginning. And suddenly his office is very windy because that's what happens before Master Salta. He panics at an open window way too hard. Like, I know a superhero defined protectors in his office.

You know a superhero of divine protectors in his office. But as far as he's concerned, it's just like the window is open and there's a little bit of wind. But he runs to it like it's filling with bees. Yeah, right. Right, right. Well, maybe he can hear the theme song. He's like, she's coming. She's coming.

He's like, well, not if I close this fucking window, she is. Smacks against the glass. Okay, there's wind and a song. I'm getting seasoned right now. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, yeah, she appears and she's like, you know, you're a terrible person. He's like, I didn't do anything.

But she doodily dues him back to his crime. And apparently so he didn't just, like, I guess he's the fucking supervisor of the old lady scammers. Right? He's like the regional manager. Yeah. He's got like a downline of cut co-salesman doing doing scams for him. Right. And every time that they do a scam, they do a scam.

10 more people do a scam. Yeah. Right. But she shows him the crime and he's like, oh, yeah, well, I'm going to fight you with the tiny little knife that my grandfather opened boxes with on Christmas morning. I'm sorry, it's just such a little knife. Hey, man. Do you literally bring a knife to a magic fight? That's not going to go great.

This is the free one they give you when you buy the nicer Swiss watches. Right. Yeah. You want to say, oh, it's pretty slow to. open and close, huh? That's cool. It's easier to open than just close. So, but then she summons the demon that's controlling him, right? She pulls the demon out, and the demon is just a much better dressed guy.

And she's like, well, this won't do. We can't fight in the office. She summons like a more thematic backdrop around them. Yeah, you know how you choose a stage in Super Smash? Yeah, right, yeah. She's like, let's go to hell. And he's like, as long as it's not the Zelda level. The other level cheating.

Final destination. All the other ones have bullshit factors. So she, but she, like, does a little lecture here. This is going to be part of the sort of theme of the movie. She teleports him to a new place. She does a lecture on why their crime is wrong. Now, his crime is, like, stealing money from old people. So she just goes, like, stealing money from old people is just self-evidently wrong.

And he's like, well, yeah, yeah. No, I, did you bring me here to, like, argue about whether stealing is, I know stealing I'm a demon. All right. I'll just hand you the salt. You're going to season yourself? Yeah. Also, I liked your old catchphrase.

You just got assaulted. I know it opposed me to why you gave it up, but I thought it was cool. So she makes her little Zaller sign and he gets salted to. This is where I realized that slugs are demons. Now, she says something very important here. Very important. She says, now go back to heaven. Yes.

Are demons in heaven? Or is just that one in heaven? Right? Is everyone walking around heaven? And he's like, hey. Oh, she meant to say hell, but she accidentally banished him down. And he's like, how do you get it? Let me know when you're done with a blowjob fat.

And everybody's just like, too, they don't want to be like a bigot about it and be like, yeah, is that a fucking damn. Yeah. Yeah, no, cool. I appreciate all cultures. Wow, you must have been really nice. Cool. ally. I'm actually an ally. It's like about how if you think about kids dying

and they're like, are there going to be kids up in heaven? Because I don't want to hang out with kids. I don't want to hang out with people that go to heaven according to any catacism. That's true. There are a couple I'll hang out with, but not kids. Maybe. Okay. So, but then...

Fuck those kids. There's also this weird moment where like master assault. So we've banished the demon now and now the gangster guy is just tied up. in his office and Master Salk calls the cops and just hands the phone to Nonico who walks in, like the girls walk in just as he's getting, you know, demon exercise or whatever. And she like, she calls the cops and hands the phone to Nanico. And I'm like, wow, that's a weird conversation to try to have with the cops on the fly.

Yeah. And the cops like, oh, you're going to put me on hold for some. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Somebody else is on. Got it. So she's like, hello officer, a divine protector got a granny's,

scammer with a magic spell. Is it Madam Salt? She's kind of the only one. So yeah. Is she still using that old catchphrase? Because we honestly, we don't feel comfortable coming if she's been saying it. And then, okay. So, but now we have the scene where they give all the money back to Granny.

And there's this weird, like, Granny apologizing for being robbed and being such a pain in the ass moment. They get so close to Master Salt helping this woman kill herself. You can feel. instant in the air. Absolutely. I thought that was about to happen genuinely because she was like, yeah, so,

you know, thanks for that. But like, I'm really old. I hate being the burden. And I thought it was going to be like, seasoned. Oh, okay. I'm just going to draw a little Z for you. The granddaughter's like,

hey, I don't think she was done talking. Those are like a dot, dot, dot there I feel like was implied. And then... Oh, fuck. Two bowls of noodles. I'll kill your grandmother. I'm really sorry about that.

Maybe I sprinkle pepper. now and it's not doing anything. Fuck shit. Here's the hard part. I used my one spot up in heaven for that demon. I have to send your grandmother to help. It's a balanced thing. It's a population center situation. So sorry.

Yeah, but no, but Master Salt explains that old people can still be useful and then she Batman's away. And there's a great moment where the girls all run around and check to see, oh, did she go under there? Nope, she's not under the couch. Yeah, why do they look for her? Why does no one ever look for Batman?

right? That's, you've ruined Batman's thing. If you yell where did he go after Batman Batman's you've ruined the moment. Okay, but it's really funny if Batman Batman's or a divine protector just zoops like behind the couch and then it's like, I dropped my keys. Oh, no, I'm actually going to zip away.

I'm going to go. I'm going to zoom now. I'm just going to walk. I'm just going to walk. I'm going to take a bus. Oh, we're both. I'm actually back this way. Okay. Okay. Oh, you're walking in your car. Same direction. As the Divine Protector and you already said goodbye. Oh, it's the word.

So weird. So awkward. All right. Well, with the theme of the movie all laid out and knowledge that we're not going to stray at all, we've earned ourselves a break. But we'll be back in a flash with even more of the Divine Protector. Master Salt Begins. Well, hello there, podcast listener.

It's me, Balogia Trump. And we hear you're considering coming to the South Francisco Laijo. and April 4. That's right, Melania. But did they know that we'll be reviewing your smash hit documentary that critics are calling Gone from theaters already

and Jeff Bezos paid me $10,000 to say this right now? Wow, I do not know that Jared Akubi Sander. Where can I get a ticket? To the movie? We give it a bunch on Craigslist, I think. Sarah, to the show. Oh, oh, you're going to want to head

to godawfulmovieslive.com. Godawfulmovieslive.com, you say. That's right, but don't wait. Show is almost sold out. Godawful movies live on April 3rd. Are you guys going to be Sarah and Melania for the whole live show? Maybege.

I also say maybege. God. Maybege. I can see you are afflicted by a living spirit. Oh, I am. Indeed, come forth. Die. Yes, yes.

It is this person who wants you dead. Your classmate, I. I? Why? You. What does you want that? Did slightly better on a test than me. Okay, I can't believe.

Wait, what? Yeah, you were number one and I was number 13. Is that last? No. Also, what is that? have to do with me. Like, 12 other people did better than you. Yeah, it doesn't really seem like a reason that you would want to kill somebody.

Great pressure is very intense in Japan. It feels like an overly general statement about it. You know, I feel like this is great pressure everywhere. Also, also, the boy I like, talk to her and not me. Oh, okay, so she stole him from you. Ah, no. No, she just knows him. and I, we are not acquainted.

Sir, what was I supposed to buy you a copy of he's just not that into you? Yeah, I don't. What do you want? I just, I don't see how this is, any of this is on her. Okay, you know what? Why don't you just banish me and I can go back to heaven or hell or, I don't know, wherever I end up. The system doesn't seem clear.

Okay, yeah, yeah, you know, repent, resolve. Okay, bye. All right. Well, um, that was weird. Yeah. You are kind of a bitch, though, just a word of warning. Great. Thanks.

No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Noted. Got it. Yep. I am. And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with our next chapter title, anger, colon, rage. Yeah, we got it. Yeah.

Thesaurus thing. So we open up on a crying baby and a husband comes home and he's staggeringly drunk and yelling and abusive. Right. He attacks the mom. No attacking the mom jokes. Okay, I'll move on. Oh, wait, no, no, I have a good one. Let him cook.

I wrote in my notes, okay, what if salt just beats the shit out of him with a bat for this one? Oh, yeah, that'd be good. Right, she's just standing over him covered in blood and she's like, off. I mean, uh... Repet, repair. Yay. I mean, you're already in half. So I have a demon for me.

Oh, men are so easy to kill. Yes. But, yeah, instead of that, we get the little daughter, she runs to the, like, to the apartment's communal bathroom to cry about it. And this is where Mickey finds her, right? And she's like, help. My dad hits my mom. And Mickey's like, can it wait until the 27th by any chance?

Which is, like, which is how it has happened. We get the next morning and Mickey sees. Yuri's mom outside all bruised up and she's like, hey, I don't want to seem forward, but I have a great sodium-themed vengeance lady if you're in the market. I have a superhero. Is this overstepping? Because

it feels, you know. Are you going to be okay for the next six days? There's pretty much no way on either side. She only takes my calls. It's like if you're aware of he then, right, it's kind of like trying to get a hold of like that. Well, it's slightly easier. I'm going to share a Google calendar with you just real quick.

So, okay. So, but But she does. I wish he'd answered texts on the 7th, the 17th and the 27th? You kidding? I can plan around that shit. Well, you haven't sent them at 707. I send all my bulldogs at the same time. Yeah, there you.

Sent to heaven or hell based on them. Bulldogs, I'm cool. Okay. So she takes Uri and her mom to their hideout on the 27th. Now, apparently from this point on in the movie, like the person who's been wronged has to burn. the incense to make it work, which is bullshit because granny didn't have to burn it last time.

Yeah. This is the lore has no consistency. But so, but anyway, so now the abused mom has to light the incense. And I wanted one of the kids to be like, hey, could you speed this up? We really got to hit this minute

or we have to wait until the seventh the next month. He's got a new guy there. But yeah, so we get the salt nato, right? And then the fucking, the title card comes up and it says a few days later, because apparently Master Salt had some shit going on. Couldn't be bothered to get right to this one.

Sorry, I was on vacation. I'm really trying to make more me time. You've got to have some me time. Drunk abusive husband? This could have been an email. Let's just, we'll collect all of them. I'll come monthly. How about that?

So we see the husband sitting at home and the Master Salt is going to fuck you up. Song starts playing? Yeah. Now, she lands and stands up and looks at him and says, I'm Master Salt. And his response is,

who are you? It is. Now, this is the first time it happens in the movie, but it will also happen every other time she introduces herself to the point where I wondered

if Master Salt was on her flower breaks going like, maybe I should say like, you're probably wondering who I am. Well, I'm Mr. Salt. Or if I should be like,

who am I? I'm Master Salt. Well, that's weird because if they know who I am, then what if they're like, oh, it's master's... I end up behind them and then I have to explain it

afterwards. Maybe I could bring the girls, and the girls would be like, that's Master So. I'm just going to walk in and hand a pamphlet, and then they read it, and then, you know, they'll know, and then I do anything. That's me. I'm obviously. Read a comic book.

So, yeah, but so she appears and she goes, Hideo Ito, Ito, you are committing domestic violence. And then fucking Nanico, Miki, and Reno just all sneak in the apartment, just like, don't mind us. We're just big fans of Master Salt, just, we're just scared. She said, which is kind of like a ride-along. I asked if she would train us And the answer was a new subject Is this a lot?

But I feel like if I wasn't no This feels like a demon hippa thing I don't know Hey master shout Did you bring some kids to a domestic violence thing? Look I love that you're getting the youth involved I love that it's a teaching divine protection

Yeah I love that I love it Start them off with lost notebooks Let's keep it in the schoolhouse for the girls because there's definitely some inferred sexual assault happening there and I just feel like bringing four children. From now on, absolutely. When you say from now on, I think there are other incidents.

No, I meant just yes. I meant just yes is a line that Heath has to employ an awful lot in his life. Yeah. So, okay, but then at this point, she's like, she pulls out the demon espouse abuse. And this time a big proper fucking demon comes out. Like Timu Hellboy comes out this time, right? Yeah.

Yeah. He's huge. And we see Master Stalt be like, oh, fuck. Okay. They can get pretty big, huh? Yeah. Like, she deals with this, but I will say, an alternate for this movie is just for her to get smushed by this demon right now.

And for Master Pepper to show up and be like, fuck. Yeah. She's not great with the big ones. So yeah. So then she has to choose her back. Noah said Eli was sexist, but actually this makes a lot of sense to think about it. Eli was concerned for women if you think ally ship.

Now she's smushed. So yeah, but so she chooses her level. They go with the spike farm at dusk, right? And then we finally get a proper boss fight, right? Because the big demon, he's got a big spiked club, and he swings at her, she has to jump and she has to duck. Yeah. And the first thing he does, he's huge, and he's got this spiky club,

and he's like, this is fun. Do it. Do it more. I was like, okay. Hey, Master Salt, maybe take a beat when this happens. This feels like a, you know, please proceed governor's scenario. Right, right. Yeah, exactly.

Or a step on my nuts scenario, in which case you got to start charging. Yeah. So, yeah. So, but she explains to him as she's jumping around easily dodging his club attacks. She's like, your divine wrath is meant to protect Buddha and God, not beat up on innocent women and shit. And I'm like, okay, so if he was kicking our asses, this would be fine, I guess. Or if we were personally attacking an Indian guy

from a couple thousand years ago. Right, barely, yeah. So, yeah, honestly, like, at this point in the movie, I just wrote my nose, so this is like trying to catch up on a fucking anime series, but starting at season six, right? Like, I have no idea what's going on between the talk that they're, the banter of these two are. It's how I feel whenever I watch One Piece.

Like, I'll turn on One Piece and I'll be like, I must have missed several hundred episodes of one. But no, they're always just like, this guy, he's the pirate chef. Yeah. So, but then she makes her, her Zaller sign. And that's when his K-pop demon hunter tats disappear. Yeah. Lucinda walked in at this point as I was watching this movie and she goes,

why doesn't he have nipples? And from that point on, that's the all I could notice was the lack of nipples on this demon. He was nippless? He was. He was de-nipples. I didn't catch that. Yeah. I actually don't see nipples.

Oh. that's real allyship forget what I said exactly nipples are a construct they're a flat circle so but she says at this point she's like red Punisher know your place and I'm like ooh maybe not know your place

especially since we're dividing him by a skin color yeah he calls her out and he's like what does that mean she's like nothing it's just part of my magic chant And he's like, this feels like another. You just got assaulted all over again. We told, we had a whole meeting at work and everyone knew it was about you. Like, we all had to go, but we knew it was about you and your catchphrase. But instead of banishing this one to heaven or whatever it is that she's going to do,

she's like, hey, do you want to work for me from this point out? And he's like, really? Because I'm the spouse abuse demon. Like, I'm the worst demon that you're going to deal with by far of all the demons. Do you really want me on your side? And she says, yes, it'll be like, we won't even consider that that's weird from this point on. Really?

Because there was an honor student earlier who like enthusiastically said she wanted to be trained by you and you anywayed very openly in front of all of her friends. You sure you want? Yeah, no. You know, spiky club and stuff. I just felt like, right. No, like I have more use for spik club. It's a meritocracy.

I don't think we can do DEI and divine protectorship. Oh gosh, here we go. Another meeting. We're all going to have to pretend it's not about you. So, but then the demon goes to leave and he's like, I am going to eat all these kids, though, before I go. And the kids are like, ah. And he's like, I'm kidding. I'm fucking.

I just fucking want you. Like an uncle or something. Yeah, I like it. He's right. Just started his job. And he's like, uh, child abuse. No, that was my thing before. Remember?

Because I was the, I was hitting my wife. Oh, no. I'm not allowed to joke about it. I'm, I've turned my ways around it. We're not even allowed to talk about it. You know, I'm owning it. Guys, that's the thing. We're going to have to get Larry Wilmar back.

So, yeah, but so, okay, so he disappears. And then we have this very weird and very uncomfortable victim-blamey moment with the abused wife. Yeah. Here we go, Happy Science Code. Because look, up until this point, I was like, this movie's a little crazy. This movie's boring. But it's not the craziest or most boring thing I've ever seen, right? This is where Happy Science Cult was like,

shh, shh, shh, I got you all of our. ideas are terrible. Oh, yeah. Right. So the first thing that happens, and I misread this at first, she could because Master Salt comes up to the abusive dad is all passed out, right? So she goes up to the wife and she holds out these boxing gloves. And I thought it was like training montage time, time for you to learn to kick his ass. Yeah. But no, it's worse than that. It's you're to blame, too, because you were training to kick his ass. Yeah. Yeah. It was Master Salt being like boxing gloves. Really?

Yeah. Really. And then we do see a montage, but it's like supposed to be bad. Like the victim. Yeah. Montage. Yeah. She was too angry about being the victim.

Yes. Yes. She was too angry about being abused. Right. We flashed to a scene of her. You know, we're going to go back to the original abuse scene we saw, but we're going to go a little bit earlier this time in the flashback. So we see her yelling at her kids before the dad.

comes home. So it's just like, well, you kind of had it coming though a little bit, didn't you? If you're going to yell at your kids, then why wouldn't he abuse both you and your children? They're really bringing this on yourself. Did you go wait in the truck for a little bit? Yeah, right. That's basically what it's saying. Take a beat. Her literal words are, reap what you sow. Yeah. So yeah. So, but she says at this point, she's like, you know, you also are filled with curses and demons and shit, you know, and she's like, I really think that the abuse thing was the main demon though she's like nope all of them are equal no no equal normal there's two pushing the bounds of buddhism on this one guy and then so but nanico's like hey i got an idea since you are here and uh can just you do a z sign and

demons come out or whatever why don't you exercise the demons from her as well and fucking master salt has a very like i don't know it's been a long day kind of a moment with this right you know someone really hit the spot right So yeah, but then the mom apologizes for not taking her abuse like a champ or whatever. And then and so Master Salt is like, okay, fine. I'll banish your demon of not being a better abused mom as well. Hey, you know what I needed here? I needed a second level divine protector to show up and season Master Salt and be like,

hey, you got that one all wrong. Yeah. Now you're salted. Right, right. You're back on probation. Yeah. Yeah, no, we're going to do a big meaning and everyone's going to know it's about you, but we're going to make everyone be fun.

I really wanted the school, because the school friends are watching this, I wanted the school friend to turn to her friend and be like, this one wasn't as fun. I didn't like this. We're not coming in any. The COVID guy was actually already put. No, I feel like we should do more clear-cut examples from now on. Yeah, I feel like the movie that we're in.

My one, when the girl came out of my neck, that was so fun. That was great. And like a little cool adventure. There's a clear good guy and clear bad guy. And then the COVID thing, I felt like, felt really squarely within our... Clear good guy. The stakes just chunk. And then we really ramped it.

Yeah. Yeah. People are going to be confused. So, and then the dad wakes up and he hugs the family and he's forgiven now. He's okay. Yeah. It's okay that the family's still with the abusive guy because the demon's out of him. Well, the demons out of him.

Yeah. So, and then the gang all smiles and Master Saul Batman's away. again. If his demon just flew out of his neck and then punched him in the face, that would everybody. So, okay. So, but then we get our third chapter title, Ignorance, foolishness.

Hell yeah. Okay, maybe go back to the fessaurus this time, because that's not exactly the same thing. And so, okay, so we open this one at the Science and Technology Department of MySai University, where Professor Atheism is explaining how those definitely are not spirit balls that everybody keeps seeing float around everywhere. This is fucking plasma.

Okay. Or he explained. And then, of course, he has some very Christian, well, Buddhist or whatever religious students who are like, Professor Atheism question, which is more of a statement. Yeah. That could be alien, Buddhism, UFO, ships. You don't know. You don't know.

He's what I think. And he's like, fuck you. It's plasma. Fuck you. And then we get another one. Yes. Yes. Some of them blink at us as though they're trying to communicate, but only a little.

Only a little. Sometimes plasma tries to communicate. This is happy science cults God's not dead. God's not plasma. Right. Yes. Exactly. Because the student goes like, I think it's spirits.

And he goes, it's plasma. He's like, the assignment is to write a whole assignment about how it's plasma. And he's like, I'm going to write about how it's spirit. And we're thinking we're going to get a God's not dead. We will never go back to this. No. I mean, we will, but like Master Salt will kill the atheism is how it will happen. And now I wish that they'd summoned Master Salt and God's Not Dead at Kevin Sorbon instead of a truck.

Would have been way better. So, okay. So then we doodily do into like so the student who's challenging them, this is Junta, and we're going to doodily do into his childhood memory of. meeting a spirit ball that told him sup. Hey, right? Hey, remember me?

It's Grandpa. I'm a fire ball now. I'm not quite sure culturally why that is and I want to be a little sensitive about it just in case it's like a Hiroshima thing. So here's the thing, kid. Go to browser, delete history and clear cookies.

All right. There are websites that will fill in if grandma searches for pottery that I'd prefer she not see. Also, I'm definitely not plasma. Okay, bye. Right. Well, here's what actually happens

in this stupid fucking movie. So the kids depressed you. We can see the shrine of grandpa, so he's just recently dead. Like, just after his funeral or whatever. So the kid goes outside on the porch to mope and a spirit ball lands on his hand and it says,

I'm your grandfather. Take care. And it floats away and I'm like, take care. Fuck. I could have done better. and take care. I'm like there's a spirit ball

from the afterlife and you stuck around to deliver the message take care. Okay. Have a great summer. No allusions. What the fuck are we talking about here? I'll have you know that some of our

grandmother's last words to them were don't what put off Phil tomorrow what you could do today. And so sometimes as someone is dying, they don't have super awesome. I said take care. That was not my favorite.

I'm back. Measure twice. How many of roads must have man want down? No, no, I got a good one. I got a good one. A screenshot on Mac is control. What's command? Command.

It is neither here nor there. Four is the one you can choose the size. And then five, it just gives you all the options. You're on PC. I'm doing Linux. But then we undutely do from that. And apparently the gentleman. was just telling the whole class about that time.

And Professor Atheism is like, hey, man, you can't just enter a childhood memory into evidence. If you let people do that, then you'll end up in the situation that Heath and Noah were in a college thing where somebody tried to say that he one time saw an amputees leg grow back. And we were like, you're lying. We can't allow that. The professor that invited us is like, you can't. He has to leave for lying. I don't know what else to tell you.

You have to not say that. But he says, no, that doesn't count. Write a paper about how it was all fucking ball plasma. And he storms off. He like storms off like a toddler. I quit. So then Junta goes to, and I pray there was another girl in class that was also complaining about this.

So the two of them go to the Scooby gang to tell them all about it. Because apparently everybody knows now about Master Salt. and they're her fucking booking agent. They're like, ah, okay, so we can squeeze you in on November 7th. Right. A lot of 7s taken up. Yeah. But they're like, yeah, no, this isn't fair.

Does all of July count? It's all. Oh, interesting. Interesting. That's a great fucking question. Does it cancel on the 7th? Yeah. Interesting.

Or like, does it like 2017? Does every day work? Yeah. Can we do lunar? So, yeah. But they explain that at this point that it's like it's a terrible, terrible sin to explain to people that their religion is bullshit, right? That might actually be the worst of all the sins if you think about it. I bet happy science cults.

Yeah. Right. There's also a great moment where I think Rooney goes, she goes, hey, if you don't believe in the afterlife and you die, do you not know that you're dead like Bruce Willis in that movie? And everybody's like, ooh, yeah. Maybe that's a real thing. That's a conclusion I would draw based on atheism. But just then, Master Salt drops a magazine through their fucking window. Right?

Because apparently Master Salt at this point is just like, oh, my fucking God, guys. Yeah. Master Salt is apparently just a guy outside of that window because we see his hand throw. Oh, did we? Which means she was waiting to be summoned, right? She was hanging out there and they were like, oh, you know, I have a really good ghost. story. She was like, oh my God. See you guys there.

So, okay, so now it's the seventh on the following month, and they're in the summoning circle. Junta has to light the thing now. Does it feel, and maybe it's just me because I was bored? It felt a little half-assed, right? They were like, oh, our professor disagrees with us. Feels like, maybe we should have done this one before or spousal abuse. Yeah, right, right, a little bit of a letdown. I wonder what demon is causing him to disagree with me.

Yeah. So fucking salt tornado shows up and the music kicks in. And I think we all know where this is going. But we're going to take a break while we can still pretend that we don't. But first, let me give Act 3 the Hard Cell. Is Master Pepper ever going to get her own movie? Is Master Pepper upset that Master Salt got a movie first? If so, would it be inconsiderate to say she was salty about it?

Find out the answers to a bunch of really dumb questions that aren't those ones. We'll return for the things that already happened happening again, conclusion of the divine protector. Master Salt begins. Push it real good. Knock knock. Hope I'm not interrupting. Of course not. Come in.

Who are you, sir? Um, Vice Principal Miller. I'm on an exchange program from Dayton, Ohio. You all known Dayton? I'm sorry. I do not know Dayton. It's in Ohio. Never mind. So this is a school club.

Yes. Yes. We are the occult society. Occult society of your school. And you have your own classroom here. Yes, sir. We do. Huh. What an interesting use of school resources. So what do you all get up to in here? Oh, we solve crimes and banished demons. We summon master salt to divine protection. I see. Okay. Wow. That is a lot to take in for me. Is Master Salt a magical being? No, she's an alum.

Yeah. Now, she also went to Harvard. Hmm. Huh. Weird lore. What crimes have you solved? Have you found someone's missing notebook? Maybe explored a graveyard at night. COVID fraud. Spousal abuse. Okay. Those are not the crime. crimes I was expecting. And just to be clear, this isn't for any class. No, no, but we will give a report. You will. You will. On the demons. Yeah.

Well, okay. Okay. If you girls need anything, I'm going to be in my office. We will pay you in noodles if you are needed. I don't know what that means. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action a few days later with Professor Atheism in his office, grumbling atheism at the TV all by himself. Yeah.

He's just at work watching news coverage about light balls. Like, it's all natural phenomena. Fucking plasma. I think this is what David A.R. White pictures when he pictures us. I know he doesn't picture us because he doesn't know we exist. But in my head where I'm important, he thinks of us like that. But here's the thing, though, this. is what religious people do.

Right? They watch the news and go, no, God did it? No, it's God. So, like, why wouldn't we be doing this, right? So, but that's just then, it's a gust of wind and the music comes up and it goes, she's coming, she's coming, she's coming.

She's here, she's here, she's here. And then Master Salt appears to give him a what for being an atheist. It's a tricky one because she has to show up in a tornado and be like, Hey, so you've been kind of mean about science or something. I don't know. This one's confusing too.

I was, you know, fighting a victim of domestic abuse and now you're a science feature. Now you're kind of snippy about what you believe. Yeah. Yeah. But she actually, I would say, is harder on him than she is on the domestic abuser. By a lot. Because she says, if you'll die, you'll go to a business. hell, at which point I wrote in my notes, wait, is there a different hell than the regular one

just for atheists and what makes it abysmal? Is it a worse hell, therefore a better place? Or is it a better hell, therefore a worse place? So weird that every religion reserves the worst punishment for not being their religion. But yeah, so, and of course the gang all shuffles in during this argument to which Professor atheism reacts, not at all. All these people just show up in his fucking off. or his living room or wherever the fuck we're supposed to be, all these kids. And he just keeps carrying on his fucking atheism argument with Master Salt. Yeah.

He yells finally like, I have freedom of speech. And I was like, okay, so this is a freedom of speech issue. Interesting. And then there's a long pause because the kids are laid on their cue in the movie. And then finally they're like, and your students have freedom of belief. Right. So impasse. Yeah, this is where she explains that being an atheist is bad and everything,

but pointing out that being an atheist is correct is unforgivable. Yeah. Yeah. And then she also tosses in a bunch of what she thinks are very good arguments. She's like, oh, yeah. Well, if atheism is true, how come we have the best environment moving on? Oh, it's so fucking dope. Because he problem of evil's her, right?

Yeah. He's like, well, you know, why doesn't God cure cancer? And she's like, oh, yeah, well, why is there a big bag? and water. What number am I thinking of up right now? Sorry, I'm just going to circle back. Why doesn't God cure cancer? Yes, there you go.

Why is the environment perfect? Yes, why is the environment the best possible one? And I'm like, well, could be better, couldn't it? It's like arguing with Dante about the circles of hell. It's like, really, the last, the worst one is Judas? Because he betrayed two was a rape tornado. And the last one is just, the Jesus Judas thing?

Trinus and Cressida were that PDA couple. It's not just rape him right now. You know, they were always like, oh my God, Snoke. They had one Facebook profile picture for Baltimore. Oh, yeah, well, there you go. You know, how that does. So, but then he, you know, he gets got out of the gaps.

And of course, because they wrote the movie, he has no answer, right? He just has to storm off like a toddler. And this is where she pulls the atheism demon at him. She actually uses her light bow for this one. Yeah. The spousal abuser doesn't get an arrow of light, but we do, apparently. Yeah. And then she's like, okay, appropriate fucking smash brother's background for a fight with

atheism demon, probably volcanic blackness of some sort. Planet Fitness. They don't like those. Can I do one of those? And there's also, there's kind of this weird, because like the demons, at this point, following the formula of the movie, the demon will explain itself and its sin or whatever, but the sin here is not believing in demons, right? So we've got this demon going,

demons don't exist. This is hard. Yeah, he's one of those demons from the spirit realm with really good atheist arguments that he continues after getting zooped to the spirit realm. Yes. He says there's no God or Buddha, which is a very confusing thing

because he's a demon who's aware that there's a God, and nobody thinks there isn't a Buddha. Yeah, right. The guy? Sid Hartford? We all think Richard Carrier said that it's not exactly for sure.

That's fair. So yeah, but then... Do you say anything else, cool? Nope. As he's monologuing about how there's no demons, the Red Punisher shows up to fuck the atheist demon up on her behalf, like hit him with her club.

This was fun because he hits him in the face so fucking hard with the club. I was like, okay, cool. That was one moment. Spiky Club guy, useful. It felt weird that spiky club guy got used on the atheist and not the spousal abuser, right? Well, it was the spousal abuser, right? That's the thing is that he was the spouse abuser the whole time, the demon was.

The one with the bat. But yeah, he, well, and I love it because he clubs the atheist demon and the atheist demon goes, wait, that hurt. Yeah. If demons don't exist, then getting hit in the face by a demon shouldn't hurt. And he's like, fuck, you got me. Yeah, this was a fun kid argument thing of like, that's not supposed to. to get me. Yes.

Yes. I'm a spirit and I clubbed you a spirit that does count. It does get you. My laser shield. So then, yeah, she makes her Zaller sign.

The fucking, the atheism demon grows big and then the red punisher demon grows bigger. And he's just like, come on. And puts him in a full Nelson. Yeah.

And they finish their confrontation with him in a full of that. Yeah. The other thing that you got to understand about. cosmological argument. It's a category error. It's a category error.

You're defining the thing outside of it. It's actually pretty basic. You're in the spirit realm right now, man. But she makes the Zaller sign and he gets assaulted. Right. And then we go back to reality where the professor is getting up questioning his cynicism anew, now that he's not filled with all these demons. Oh, he's open.

He's like, ooh. He's Buddhist now. Yeah. like, I really like this brand of salt. It's the best for summoning demon off. Yeah. A lot of people use flaky sea salt. That just gets you Gordon Ramsey.

No, yeah. Morton's kosher. That's the move. Interesting. No, you don't want to use that one. That one gets Eli Boston. Hi. Oh, God.

Japan. All right. So, yeah, so he comes to and he's like, hey, I saw a fireball one time when I was a kid. I wonder if that was a human. spirit and she's like, ah, maybe his atheism is curable after all. But of course, she has to deliver her little fucking, I learned something here today message as well, right?

So she's like, yes, you know, it was his way of thinking that attracted this devilish demon. So remember, never think atheist thoughts or doubt the religious bullshit that people are telling you because it's really important. You'll fill with demons. Don't you. Demons will suck right up. Okay. So now it's time for our final chapter title.

conceit colon arrogance I don't know so this is where we're going to meet this was the guy that was proposing that we saw at the very beginning of the movie this is Subasa right and we catch up with him

doing a big presentation at work yes he's the team leader on the anti-aging drug project which seems really pretty fucking cool he's going to end up being a main bad guy here but like that's good stuff

right there. Well, yeah, but he stole that job from the real. He stole credit, but like, you know. Which we learn from fucking Statler and Waldorf here, right? We cut back to the back of the meeting and there's two old guys going like, I hear he's not really the one who led that project on the anti-aging drug thing. I heard that was someone. I haven't established his character.

Hey, we're in like a regular, I can hear you. They're saying that. You're right. I'm like, no. Five feet from you. We turned to the side. You actually said, we've said whisper voice. We said whisper voice.

That means you can't hear us. You can't just fucking break. Respect the whisper corner. Get out of the sketch. But yeah, so the one guy goes, I hear he took the credit for some other ladies working. He's like, well, I heard he's the CEO's son. And that's why they gave him the job. And I'm like, well, yeah, I mean, everybody fucking knows that.

What are the chances that the best person for this job just happened to be the one I came into a lady? Gosh, I feel so lucky. All right. So we go back to the gang. And apparently now the girls are just like straight. They must have a fucking, they must have hung out a tile to act as master assault's booking agent at this point. Right.

Because this lady, Raina. We're all failing high school. So many people are coming to us. Yeah. We can work four days a month. Most of the months, three.

So yeah. So Raina comes and she's like, I want to talk to you about this guy at my work, Subasa. And she shows him a picture. And Rooney looks right at her. And he goes, she goes, oh, he's good looking and perfect.

Yeah, not great. She's like, I'm here to talk to about a truly evil man, and she's like, sploosh. Yeah, she is. Sorry, go on, what you were doing? Rudy's desire to fuck Subasa. Like, that is the most interesting story art. It's the strongest emotion in the movie. It is, yeah.

You choking yourself? So she goes, she goes, yes, he's good looking, but he's probably trying to seduce someone as we speak. So we cut to him at a bar trying to seduce somebody as we speak, right? Yeah, he's talking to the lady. And she opens with the like, sorry I hear your dad is sick. And he's like, yeah, it's not a big deal. He's old. He has a lot of money.

He goes, like, you're really pretty. And she goes, how soon is your dad going to die and leave you his money? And he's like, oh, straight to the point. Nice. Love it. Pretty soon. This is Sakura. Right.

So we cut to him. So it's kind of weird, because I think this is supposed to be over a, several week timeline. But what we see is them at a bar and he says, oh, you're so much prettier than you are on TV. Right? She's supposed to be a TV announcer or whatever. And then the very next scene,

they're walking by the water and he's proposing to her. So I'm like, man, that is an interesting first date. Yes. But no, apparently some weeks happened between then or something. And so, okay. So now we cut back to him at the drug presentation. Apparently that other stuff was fucking flashback or something. Yeah.

We get this cult. It's dedicated to science, I want to remind you, trying to write science. They say, yes, this new drug, quote, revives the skin at the DNA level. I mean, that's deep. It's nifty. It's nice when it does that, yeah. But he says, in order to make it, they need to build a new state-of-the-art medical center right where the important temple is. Oh, rabble, rabble.

He must be filled with demons, rebel, rebel. Right, yeah. I'm going to knock down all the Buddhist teen center temples in his. entire area, which I shall buy. I don't understand. Unless someone beats me in a ski race. Next to that. Yeah, right.

Fucking Statler and Waldorf do not approve. So, yeah. So, but then the flashbacks take us back to him getting mad at Sequora for getting pregnant. Right. And he gets mad at her for getting pregnant the way I get mad at my wife when she has lost something far away. Right. Like, we're already the car and she's like, my phone's back at the restaurant. That's how he reacts to her pregnancy.

Like, cool. All right. Cool. So we'll just walk back and get you an abortion then. We'll just walk back. All the way back. All the way back in a town. Maybe when we got up from the table, you could have checked to see if you were pregnant as opposed to here. Now, if you were here, the traffic is actually getting worse, not better now as it gets later. So yeah. So, but he gives her abortion money.

And then just like... Ethan Ann don't have that fight. They haven't been married enough yet. Or he's the one that loses shit. One of those two things is true. I'm going to draw a salt circle and summon Ann to see if he's the one that lose his shirt. Yeah, right. Yeah. We'll find out for sure. No, we're just still happy for a while, I think.

Oh, okay. It's the time thing, man. Right. Okay. So, but then. We cut to another scene later. So she's like waiting for him when he gets out of work. But some other girl is waiting for him too.

And he's moved on and didn't even tell her. Yeah. He's engaged to her and he got her the exact same ring. He got the previous girl. Segora, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a really awkward moment where, like, she runs.

up to him and she's like, Subasa, and then his new girlfriend says, is this somebody you know? And he goes, no. And I'm like, well, she just said his name. So like, she probably... No, it's a master salt situation. People say their name, but they don't necessarily know it. Oh, of course. Yeah, in this universe. Yeah. So he drives off

again. And so fucking funny. As soon as he drives off, all the girls from the, from the cult club just like pop out from behind a pillar and they're like, hey, interesting to meet you here. But they're like, hey, do you mind helping us summon a revenge demon?

And she's like, yeah, fuck, yeah, I'll help you. So, now they've got Secoran, we're here to do this summoning. It's, I won't point out, it's the 27th, we see this calendar that we keep seeing. It's the 27th now. The last time we saw it was the seventh of the second month of the movie, which means that originally there was a 17th,

and this movie was even more insufferable, and they cut that. Or, you know, bank holiday. Oh, okay. Yeah, it could be. It's like, 17th was a Sunday. Some really sassy genocide victims got beat up by the salt thing. And they were like, even for us, we're going to. Yeah, right.

We're going to fast forward through that one. Master Salt was like, a damn hummus. So apparently, though, they've managed, maybe it was, it took an extra 10 days because they had to gather together 12 of his exes. Oh, yeah. And it's hard to get them all together on the same day, right? So they make another salt circle. They summon their salt nato. This one comes with lightning.

So apparently she's extra pissed this time. There's also, so they show Master Salt his picture. She's like, or his Instagram account or whatever. And she's like, it's this guy. And she looks at him. She's like, hmm, he has seduced 30 women. And I'm like, oh, that's a nifty trick. It was like a, it was very similar to Eli's job.

It was like a mentalism thing, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

do your job. Yeah. I wanted them to do other ones. Just be like, ooh, ooh, do this one. How many? Yeah. She goes, ah, he is nothing but a great big tangu. And Rooney goes, great big tango.

But it means arrogance demon. Okay. Still sploosh. Still sploge. And Nanico's like, it's a bird elephant. And she's like, why do you know that? This is why people choke you. This is fine.

Well, and it's also like, Nanak, I was like, wow, tango demons are real. And I'm like, you've seen multiple demons. Why would you think that this one wouldn't exist, though, still? Wow, you know, bird. And Rooney's like, I'd still fuck him, though. Big tango or not?

I mean, bird elephant. It's pretty hot. Shut the fuck up, Rooney. Get out of the sky. Yeah, right, right. You got like a trunk? So now, there's also a moment here where I think maybe Master Salt wants to fuck him too, right?

Because she's like, all right, now. Cora, you need to do a bunch of mystical meditation flashbacks and take us back to your time with him. And she's like, really? Because nobody else had to do this. She's like, shut up. Take us back to the naked times. Talk us about the time. You're looking to stick.

But it's actually worse than that. It is that she was thinking about how nice it would be to be married to a rich man. And so if you think about it, it's her fault that a man lied to her and seduced her and then forced her to get an abortion. Yep. Yep. That's exactly it. The movie has to be like, well, you know, it's also your fault. you share in this.

And then she's like, I want Udon hot pot. And they're like, I feel like the movie has progressed beyond the sort of fun parts. Unless you go back to the Udon. I feel like we left noodles behind

at spousal abuse. The DoorDash guy gets to show up. Oh, cool. He's here. Yeah, right, right. No, he was a lot of fun. She was just telling a woman that it was her fault

for the non-consensual sex she had. Wait, what? You just drop the noodles. Do you want me to just, okay, I guess I'm just going to hand these to you. Yep, he shows up trying to get I feel uncomfortable. Get his money's worth out of the

out of the door dash. You should tip me more. Yeah, right? Because I heard that. Yeah, absolutely. He doesn't get a tip the whole time. Both time he says exact change and then smiles instead of being like exact change. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Take the change. Okay. He's not going to be a hot pot next time. You know, at best, it's going to be a cold pot.

And so, and then we watch her eat her noodles for a fucking while. Yeah, they looked fucking great. I got hungry and actually made myself some food at this moment. Yeah, you did, maybe. But I loved watching Master's Salt love the Udon noodles that she was eating. Did you? Yeah, she was, like, seriously, everybody, find a soulmate who looks at you like me and Master's

Salt look at Udon Hot Pot. It was positive. It was sexual, yeah. I mean, positive. So, okay. So now. we're going to cut to Subasa at his high school reunion. Yeah.

Right. Ray for high school reunions. And of course, as he walks in, all the girls are audibly saying in a voice he can fucking hear, wow, he just looks pretty fuckable, this Subasa guy, huh? Yep. But Master Salt walks by just then and catches his eye because she's got it like that. Fun fact about my high school, we're not doing a whatever reunion. supposed to have because no one will plan it.

Yeah, I think pretty much everybody from mine is dead. I'm old. It's fucking nuts. I was like, because someone got on the Facebook group for our high school and they were like, hey, big something coming up. And everyone was like, I'm in jail or crazy. Yeah. I was like, oh, my high school is just like, all right, well, we're almost all of us

at this bar anyway still for the last 30 years. his high school reunion is just someone texting the group thread, Scoots, you coming through, Jennifer's here. Right. So, okay. So now Subasa has to try to, like, seduce Master's Soul. And we get one of these great moments where, like, an in-cell has to write seduction. Yeah.

So we get this actual line. He says, I am happy to get to know a smart and beautiful lady like you. This is what Elon Musk thinks he talks like when he's asking random reporters on Twitter to get pregnant with his sperm. So, yeah, but in his inner monologue, he's like, ah, she'll be another nice little notch on my bedpost. But just then, she snaps her fingers

and selects a Smash Brothers fucking fighting arena for him. And it's a dojo surrounded by like those dick-nosed demon masks. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So he appears there. Now, keep in mind, like up to this point, she's only teleported demons. This is the first time she's like just taking a purse.

and been like, all right, well, you're going to a fucking Smash Brothers level now. You know, Duke's up. Yeah. And when he gets there, all of his exes are there as well. And they made a poster. They made a little fucking banner. Like a protest banner. Yes.

It says overthrow in Japanese. Does it? Yeah. Who do you think was like, we should do a craft? Yeah, right. We got all this paint. Because I know why everyone else said yes, right? Because you're all dealing with like sexual coercion.

It's a very raw time. You don't want to know anybody's idea But who was the first one that was like What if when he shows up We just have a big banner that's like Fuck you Fuck you Hey, hey, Master Salt, don't zoom yet

Real quick, we're just going to go down to Michael's And then we're going to make it To dry We're going to buy six pieces of poster board Because we are going to mess up Every time How many colors should we use? One.

One, okay One clearly Yeah The worst possible answer to that question So, and then she searches, we watch Master Salt search for the word Nepo baby for a bit. Yeah. Right?

She explains that he's actually pretty mediocre. Oh, he hates that. Yeah. And then Raina, oh yeah, no, he gets very angry when he's called mediocre. If the divine protector has to go after every Nepo baby, you got to do more than the sevens. You got to go way more than the seven. Yeah, I'm going to need a bigger. I do some hiring.

Yeah. Zip recruiter. Whatever. Wait, and Nautica wants to work for you. Yeah. Some Indian guy on Upwork calls you, Hello, I am calling from Master Salt. You are a demon.

So then? Notice how I didn't do the voice. You did? Because I've grown podcast listener. I think we all, we heard you. I heard you do the voice. You imagined me doing a voice. I think you did the voice.

Okay. You be the judge. That was Hank Azaria's voice. He's a white guy. It's okay. Call in, call into our number that we have. We use American Idol's. old one.

So, yeah, so then we flash back to the end of a meeting, right? Because now we're going to learn what Raina, like, Raina was the one that basically hired Master Salt to take care of this business. So we're going to learn what happened to her. And it's weird because, like, she's just sort of like steps forward and is like,

I would like to tell my backstory with him. But I feel it feels like it's not the time, right? We already did one backstory. We determined he's a seducer of women. He's a bad guy. And when he's a demon, like, we're already on to the, the Smash Brothers level. Now does not feel like origin story.

And there's like 29 other women there going like, well, what if, I mean, are we all doing our stories? Because I have a story that's worth. My story is actually worse than that. Let's just be yada, yada, yada. Show them the banner one more time. Yeah. And we're going to snap into the realm.

Cool. Right. But we zooped back into her memory. She was the one that was the actual project leader on the anti-aging drug. But then she didn't want to have sex with him. So he got her fired and he took her job. by, you know, schmoozen or his CEO dad about it, right? Dad's skeptical, but then his heart gives out just at that very moment because he's old.

And that's what happens when you're old, obviously. And your co-workers stand above you like this? Yeah, no, exactly, exactly. So then we cut back to the dick-nosed demon mask dojo is what I wrote in my notes. And Master Selt is sort of like laying into him for his lack of morality. and this was the point in the movie. We are one hour and 41 minutes into the film where I accidentally realized

that there was an English dubbed version of it. Oh, yeah. I had watched the first hour and 40 minutes in Japanese knowing only from the fucking subtitles. I'm a subs not dubs guy, so I'm glad that you joined me. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.

No, I was working a lot harder than I had to. Anyway. I didn't know there was a subs not dubs thing. Oh, it's big culture. My fellow nerds in the audience right now, they're loving. I'll tell you how much they're loving it. They're forgiving me for the voice I did earlier. They're like, wait, wait, wait, hopefully.

Before you call the American Idol number. What voice? Yeah, exactly. Eli's subs not dubs. I'm back on. So here's the thing. If I'm watching a movie that I actually give a shit about, yes, absolutely throw on the subtitles. If I'm watching a movie where I have to constantly look away and make notes, I fucking need the dub.

So yeah. And of course, the dubbing doesn't match. the subtitles in classic happy science fashion, which is fun. Anyway, so in the movie, outside of my revelations, she summons his demon. And of course, it's a big tango, one of the big dick-nose monsters. It's a samurai clown with wings. Yes, obviously. She also yells here, apropos of nothing, that the real God is primordial Buddha who created the universe.

Yes. Yes, she screams that. And I was like, hey, why are you? yelling? He's not God and you seem to be very confident that he's not God and you just, you're going to assault him to death. Right. We know how this ends. Why are you mad right now? Right, but first we get a tangu fight, right? And he's pretty badass. He does some shit. He almost crushes her head, but she punches him. Yep. And he swooshes at her and she's having trouble with the swoosh. Okay. If she loses a fight in the scolding realm,

what do you think happens according to the movie? It's okay to have sex with women and then make them get abortions. Right, right. His sin would win and that would become moral. Her demon has to go to heaven

and she's just a lady who does too much flour and shinto stuff. But it doesn't matter because just then Red Punisher shows up again and wax the shit out of him with his fucking spiked bat.

Kind of takes away from her gravitas. It does. The big showdown. Hey, I was thinking since I've finished your last two fights, maybe we could be like Master Salt and Dave, huh? Yeah. Maybe sometimes, maybe I could do sixes and then if someone just needs the shit kicked out of them. There you go. They could just call me and I can sort of get my own thing.

You're not even using sixes. I'll do eights. I'll do it after you. I don't want to. A spin-off podcast, the blog that everyone will love. Sort of take off on its own, develop its own ecosystem, the entertainment universe. So. I could put some of my fan fiction on there.

he said in the funniest possible joke he could have written. So red punisher whips his ass. And then apparently she has light ropes that she can bind them with. It feels weird. Yeah, she's got Wonder Woman ropes.

Yeah, glow sticks of truth. Yeah. Could have busted those out a little earlier. But yeah. So she bust out her glow sticks of truth. She locks him up. And then suddenly we're transported into one of Subasa's past lives.

Yeah. Where he was, he's like demanding a harem to show how great he is and they they grab the prettiest woman from the city into the temple or something. Yeah, he yells at a room full of people in their like temple or whatever. Like, gather all the gorgeous women to show how great I am. There's like 12, 13 women in there and they're all like, is that, is that none of us in the room right now? Oh, okay.

Is that? Okay, cool. Grab us some of the hot guys then. We'll get you an orphan then. Yeah. Yeah. So they bring this lady and they like, she's the prettiest in the whole town. She was at this temple. She's an orphan. But so we didn't even have to kill any parents to get her or anything. And then a priest comes in to tell him he's evil. And he's like, well, obviously I'm fucking evil. Now burn down his fucking temple and build a shrine to how awesome I am. Have you seen my crazy big hat that's bigger than everyone else's pretty crazy big hat? Like that's obviously, you didn't think I was at fucking tangu? It says tangu. Why would I have such a big hat if I wasn't an asshole?

And they flash out of that like it was awkward for everybody. Like, because he's being stepped on by Red Guy. He's being like held. Yes. As this is happening. And he's like, oh, did you guys just flash back to the rapier parts? And they're like, yeah, man, we all just got like a really rapy flashback. And he's like, oh.

So sorry. I'm sorry. I've grown. Now I just do sort of a non-consensual information withholding. So, okay. But then she hits. It's like a mountain dew blast, right? You can tell the mood is, I'm not kidding,

the rest of this magical fight, the mood is kind of ruined. She's like, okay, well, I get, I'm still, Mountain Dew blast. Still gonna do it with the, okay. Salt, there you go. Yeah, so she hits him with that, and then she does her fuck you chant,

and then she does the Zaller sign. And this time, like whole fucking blocks of salt fall on. Oh, yeah, no, he gets the full one. Yeah. The big scolding kind of loses importance when you just salt him to death, like right after. Right, yeah, exactly. Yeah, he's not going to learn a lesson now.

So, okay, so then we cut back to the real world where instead of being in the glow sticks of truth, they've just tied this guy up. Now, I want to keep in mind, like, he's been teleported to another location and tied up. He's just kidnapped at this point. Yeah, right? And then at this point, Rooney's like,

oh, wow, I guess he did suck after all. I'm glad I didn't fuck him. Right. Rooney, we never thought you were going to fuck him. I just meant yes. I also didn't think that. Oh. You didn't feel a vibe when he came?

I thought when we first snapped him into here and he saw me holding the poster, he was going to be like, oh, that one to the third from the right next to the poster. She's, there's something. I don't think you're in on our things anymore for a little while. You don't think he was feeling that? Well, when he wakes up, we'll ask. And then Sikura's like, I still love him. And Rina's like, yeah, but fuck him.

And Sikura's like, yeah, I hadn't thought about it like that. Solid point, yeah. And then she fucking Master's Al-Win Batman's away. Yeah. She says before she leaves, real strength lies in humility. And I was like, hey, okay, like, you're a vigilante murder angel. Yeah. So.

Right? With a theme song, no less. Humility. You have a theme song. Lies in that. I don't know if that's your catchphrase. Yeah. So, okay.

So then we can't have this, like, everybody in town has stopped to watch the news on the side of this building about how Master Salt is real. And Subasa is stepping down from his big CEO job for being a piece of shit. Yeah. Right. We cut to the girls. They're giving a presentation on what happened in the movie? Yeah. They're doing a big fucking school presentation about curses and about how Master Salt exercised a bunch of

team in the room where they were having history class earlier yes i wanted them to finish and for their teacher to be like okay well that was not history whatever that was um i don't think you understood the assignment i think you're in some kind of like group psychosis this cannot possibly have been the assignment that i gave you let me look it up the word everyone needs to go to the hospital right now yeah i is doing way better than you now yeah right yeah you're not doing anything from our actual classes. I learned to talk to that boy. Stop it. Yeah, but they made, they made like a trifold poster board thing. A little diorama. The movie. Yeah. We might as well watch like a shoebox diorama of the movie after the movie. Right. Just 14 year old Eli and Heath showing up to our

mom at 10 p.m. I have a report to what are demons master's salt banished tomorrow. Can you come with me to Walmart and get stuff. So everybody cheers. Also, can you write my college essay for me? Also, can you write my college essay? And then the wind blows, right? Because apparently Master Salt wasn't going to miss the book report. Yeah, that's okay.

So, okay. So then we get, the girls, they're leaving for winter break. And they sure do wonder how Master Salt is doing. They all do the Zahler sign together. It looks creepy as fuck. Mm-hmm. Because it starts as a Hitler salute. It does.

When you don't get the light Z, like she does, you're doing this. Then you move your arms some more. But the first, that's a scary first gesture. You start off with a Hitler salute. Yep. Condem Hamas. And then really get in there with pretty much always just get two arms in if you think you're about to do a one arm out thing.

Or announce a Z. Hey, everybody. I'm starting a Z now. There you go. At least stay for the whole thing. Quick announcement. Yep. So, and then we we check in.

on Master Salt. She's back at the temple one last time, bow into the Golden Shrine, because that's her thing. Right. She, in her monologues about how awesome she is. Yeah. Presumably that interlog was like, hey, golden statue boss. I scolded five people and murdered them with salt. One was a domestic abuse victim. And he's like, yep, that's your job. According to. our cult, the end. Good job. I'm a giant golden statue. Did you hire the sexual assault demon? You know, we'll talk about that by review. We can talk about that.

Pipeline. You said, you said, recovery pipeline for the sexual assault demon. I did. And while that's going to do it for our review of the divine protector, master assault begins, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to fall into our own trap again next week. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck. When young Sarah hears a preacher say faith can move mountains, she starts praying.

Suddenly, people in her town are mysteriously crushed by a mountain. No. But fame soon takes its toll. We'll be watching and the girl who believes in miracles. All right, mine's better though. But with Eli's to look forward to,

we're going to bring episode 549 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the range, you can make a per episode donation of patreon. com slash God off on there by your only access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help it's done by living a five

star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms and if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling aid the citation needed d and d and minus in the scarecrowded available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email godiful movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson, takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by writing. Selected Elvis Ross from Mars and all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Mark and was used for permission.

Thanks for giving us on check your life this week for Heath Enright and Eli Bustigum. I'm no one. It's promised you to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Brave was love vote E. Jean Carroll got salted for kind of being a dick and bringing up old shit.

Oh, Jesus Christ. In the sequel, Master Salt teams up with Mrs. Dash and becomes unstoppable. The girls failed the fuck out of their science fair project. F minus. Oh, this is a whole new game

now strolling down to this shit. Right? Oh, I got there. but Heath was Oh, you guys were both I got you there by a half a second It displayed your names for me like that time Katie Ladecki got a towel

and the girl like sprang out of the pool because she had just finished and Katie was like, you splashed me. God, I love Katie Ladecki so much. All right. Can I say something brave about Katie Ladecki or would you like to do our jobs? Go right ahead, Eli.

The thing that I love most about Katie Ladeke Sorry, I just want to be clear. You're a pretty big NCAA swimming fan. Yeah, I got into it for transphobia, but I've Yeah. Seriously. Branched out since then.

I'm really not happy where this might go, but I'm going to trust you. No, it's going to. I'm strangely, I decided to trust you. That's what I would do. I want you to reflect on the 10 years, the decade we've been doing a job together where I've said, can I say something brave?

And it has been either A, brave or B, something that we've, We won't immediately have to edit out of our hearts and minds. If you're listening to this, you never heard any of that. You didn't. You're not listening to this. But you're not. So it's cool.

You're not. So it's fine. The thing I love about Katie Ladecki is that she's not very smart. And she doesn't care. They'll be like, hey, well, how did you blah, blah, blah, blah. And she'll be like, swim fast. And they're like, okay, but like, what do you think about young? Swim.

It's the best. Okay. Just got a little Sarah Huckby Sanders vibe going. Mm-hmm. A lot of peeps. So, Eli, I'm going to, so I want to summarize to you everything wrong with Crimson Desert, okay, and one thing, okay? I'm going to tell you why this game is so fucking hated so broadly. So in the game, there are memory fragments, right?

And that's a fairly standard thing in gaming now, right? Where you got to pick up the memory and you can see what happened in the past or whatever, whatever. And in order to read the memory fragments, you have to get a special helmet. Now, that's dumb, right? already. It's just, you know, come on, just like you're going to give me the fucking memory fragments. You're going to give me the fucking helmet. Just give me the fucking memory fragments, right? It feels dumb already, especially since you find the helmet in the same room that you find the first memory fragment and you're not allowed to leave until you find both of those things.

The Leahona right there. Yeah, it doesn't fucking, so it doesn't fucking matter. But here's how you access the memories. Okay, so once you get a memory fragment or in a place with a memory fragment, you hold left on the D pad, and that's going to bring up one of two menus, either your armor menu or your equipment menu, you toggle between those two until you're on your armor menu, then you select helmets and you move over to the helmet that allows you to see the memory fragments. Once you've, it's a radio menu. So once you've pointed in that direction, you hit X, right?

Sorry, what's your there, you can hit your triggers to move over to that helmet, and then you hit X, and now you have the menu for that helmet, which is a DECD, different radio menu and you press up, if you have to hold down the left on the deep pad the whole time or the menu disappears and you have to start over. And when you press up on that radio menu, that's play. And that's how you listen to it. That's how you see the memory. Jesus. It's like a mind map. Everything in the game is like that. Right. It's just like, why, though? Why not just select memory fragment from my fucking menu and see the thing, the animation that you've made? Just X. It's just over and over.

again, it's that. It's just like, you know, like when you hit this item, hit triangle and circle at the same time. It's like, okay, but I'm only going to use it when I walk up to things that you have to triangle and circle. So why isn't that just the interact button? You know, it's just, it's constantly shit like that in this game. And it's such a shame because the world is incredible and the fucking game engine is beautiful and it's so cool to walk around in, but it's just like, man, you guys suck at designing game, though. I'm always so confused because it's not like those people don't live in the world with Nintendo games also. Right.

Right? Like, surely you are aware of your brothers and sisters at Nintendo. Jesus. Yeah. All right. Sorry. We can do our special. Sorry, Morgan.

It's so good. Just the extra edition that he's from Dayton, Ohio somehow made it so extra perfect for me. Beautiful. Beautiful. Okay. This content is candid. credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617249455, or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a

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