God Awful Movies - 551: Melania - Live from San Francisco!

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us as we double the viewership of Amazon's Melania documentary, live from the City by the Bay.Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcastIf you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

Her husband has to get to work, ruining the world. She explains that this day was, quote, reach with meaning. Reach with meaning. She says, being awake for 22 hours straight feels like nothing. It's because of the infusion we get of Barron's blood every morning. Keep my blood tomorrow. I want to go swimming. Awful movies. Movies.

Movies live from San Francisco. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you. This is, of course, the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, except when we find something even worse. And we did. I'm your host, No Illusions, but I'm not alone.

Please welcome to the stage. My good friend, Heath Enright. Lovely. Hello into the microphone. All right. San Francisco. This is so nice. This is what?

This place is so much nicer than our. show. Yes. It's a, we're in like a history music. It says like Rembrandt and Michelangelo. In the marble on the wall. And us, yeah. It's got that you as a V way ahead of us.

And also joining us tonight, put your hands together for our special guest maskist, host of the Talk Nerdy podcast and person who will definitely want to be sitting down when Eli takes the stage. Please welcome Kara Santa Maria. It's the wrong show. Howdy.

I'm going to make her sit by Eli. And last but not least, I'm going to ask you to put your hands together one more time for my bad. Listeners at home, Eli, I'm just going to say Eli is dressed as the Golden Gate Bridge, and that's all you need to know, listeners at home. I will be doing this voice for the entirety of the poker.

No, no, you won't. We discussed this. I'm not Eli. I'm a lankian. dressed as Eli. These are his chinnangings. I mean, honestly, I could see her wearing those glasses, right? Yeah, they wear these glasses

and she talked to her service. She said, hello. Okay. You're getting ahead of us. Do you have clothes you can put on? Thank you. So, I have to tell you guys, the original plan was to have him come in out with the jacket, with the I don't care to you on it,

except spelled phonetic. right? Like, I won't charge to you. But we thought that you guys really wouldn't feel like you were getting your money's worth if you didn't see his butt cheeks. So you're welcome. All right. Eli will be back in just one second, but I suppose we can ask while we're waiting for him. Heath, tell us, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Ivanka. Nope. Nope. Freudian slips. Sorry, baby. Did I just laugh? What is this? I don't think I've ever laughed before.

Babe, have I ever laughed? Ha ha ha. Tee. Ha ha. T. Nope. Quire. M.J.

Ha ha ha ha. That's the quickest I have ever lost control, guys. Hey, Heath, what do we break down today? We watched Melania. Yeah, yeah. It's the story of I can't not hear Eli the entire time. Yep. Whenever Malina...

How many people watch this? Okay, could you not... You had to hear Eli for an hour and 40 minutes, right? That was like, she's the narrator. He's the narrator. It's me. I do that. Yeah, no, we should release like a separate soundtrack where you just do all of the stuff as Melania that you can listen to over top of it.

Wait, did you guys watch this on purpose? Did you choose to watch it before the show? Okay, okay. What's amazing? Yeah, your opinion of our audience was going to go way down if they'd answer that wrong, huh? What's amazing is this movie did so badly that when you all watched this movie, Brett Radner, like, did a celebratory line, and he was like, I knew it was going to pick up.

Ha ha! I knew that the audience, they just couldn't make it to the theater, right? Like when I pitched that Ninja Turtle script, but then I got me tewed in the middle of it, so they made an animated movie instead, but now it's all coming together. Everything's coming up, Rattner. Do you guys think he'll kill himself before 2030? All right.

I don't think he's going to do it the brave way, but I think he's going to do it with drugs. I've lost control twice now already. He's going to hang himself in a cell. We'll see. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well.

If true, I've always wondered how Miss Hitler was going to wear at the party, if they had made it out of the bunker. True, we love this movie. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best, it being the worst hat? Oh, I'm going to go with Best Worst. We watched Ava Braun, the biopic. Yep.

Yep. But like a reboot with a modern twist. Fantastic. It's 100 minutes of... watching Aver Braun pick out, like, the right fabric for the armbands. But, like, for now. I'd be like, Adolf Hitler would be like, nah, babe, that's... This is...

I'm not buying you that movie. Yeah. Do you have a best-worst for us, Gera? Yeah, I'm going to go with best-worst voiceover. Sure. So it's different when she's talking on camera than when she's reading the things that I think she thinks are profound. Yes. Yes.

But what it sounds like is that as a gift, somebody gave her one of those like refrigerator magnet poetry. You know? But it was like Merica themed. And so she's always just like freedom and unity, compassion, liberty, lawmakers, ceremony. America. America. Oh, and it's just the most banal shit.

All right. And of course, I watched the movie first, so I got to jump in here and take the easy one. went with Best Worst bribe. Because, of course, Amazon paid $40 million for the rights to make this movie, and then another $35 million promoting it to make, what was it, the $15 million, they made it or whatever ridiculous amount was. So not only did they pay $75 million for this bribe, but it ended up giving the opposite effect that they wanted

because they just made Melania look stupid and Trump look bad with it. So they actually got less than $0 worth for the $75 million, and I love that for them. God damn much. That's like Pete Hegseth on Calci. Yes. He lost. He lost.

Yes. He controls our military. He bet on what we would do. He lost money. It's like bankrupting a casino, isn't it? You're going to make money. You got to get inside my head. Me.

You double bluffing yourself? Right, right. So, Eli, do you have a best worse for us? Where's Brett? Brett said his guy was coming. Oh, my kids are here. All right, I'm going to go with best, worst, glamour. Now, look, there are educated members of tonight's panel of judges

who will tell us whether or not the dresses and hats that she's wearing her nice. I don't know. I don't know about nice things. The basketball shorts I'm wearing right now are the ones I wear every single day of my life. But what I do know I think they're lacrosse choice.

They're the ones. But what I do know is this. Nothing nice touches Melania, right? Every moment of this movie is her being like, I think it needs Margot. And then someone who has sold their soul to the devil goes, what did she fucking say? Oh, yeah.

It's like you ever see kids? at that bibbidi-bobbidi boutique where they give them a princess makeover. That's her whole life is just being at Disney World while someone pretends to cut her hair. Oh, you're going to look just like Ariel when we're done. Guys, Aryan.

All right. My favorite. My mom died. That's what the movie's about. I loved her so much. Her name was. Give me mini. Fuck, do I forget to say her name in the movie?

She totally does. Cheat. All right. Well, we're about to share an awful lot of trauma with you, so we're going to give you a minute to brace yourself, but we're back in a flash with all the banalities over Disney villain B-roll that is, Malania. Then I said, how about a quassant and batter you?

Well, of course, you're day. Hey, guys. How are we doing here? Hey, Gailer, you heard that someone told Sarah to leave a bakery? Yeah, I did. I'm sorry. I'd barely been there two hours. Barely two hours.

Two hours, girl, that's like a snack for you. A snack, exactly. Thank you. Well, look, Sarah, if you're tired of getting kicked out of restaurants for your morally reprehensible beliefs, you should try Green Chef. Do you want that point? Yes, yes, I do. Thank you.

What's Green Chef? With Green Chef, every week you get over 40 recipes made with organic produce and responsibly sourced proteins. Meals come pre-portioned and ready in minutes. And if you want guidance beyond the plate, they include free, unlimited one-on-one nutrition coaching that helps you stay on track. Unless nutrition coach killed himself. Oh, yeah, that's right. He did. I remember him. He stabbed his eyes out with his fingers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, Gailer, have you actually tried it? I sure have. Green Chef sent me a box when they first became a sponsor. I love how he can eat a great nutritious meal without breaking the bank or my back. Break their backs at that croissontory. Hey, hey, hey, hey, baby. What do we always say? That's not the hole that goes in.

No, no, he's no breaking backs no more. Oh, right. So, okay, where do I sign up for Green Chef? Head to greenchef.com slash 50 awful and use the code 50 awful to get 50% off your first month, then 20% off of the next two months. That's the code 50 offal at greenchev.com slash 50 awful. All right, the hooler. Thanks. Sir, you want to see if they,

left a dumpster unlocked behind Long John Silver's? Yeah. Yeah, Tyfighter. I really do. I really do. All right. Race you to the car. Shotgun! To get the manager 20 bucks to leave it open again? 50 this time, but yeah. Worth it! In 20 days, I go from an ordinary citizen to the first lady of the United States. Sorry, Mrs. Trump?

Goddammit, caught. Tyler, you're killing me, bro. Sorry, Sarah, what are you and the First Lady doing? We are recording the intro to the movie Donald Gummy. I'm sorry, he got you a movie? Yeah, after you explain to me what the Steam files are, I was so much. So I say, Donald, you better make me a movie. So they're making me a movie. Horrifying.

So what is it about? It's about her transforming from a citizen into the First Lady. Oh, so like back in 2016? No, no, last year. Yeah, okay, but she was already the first lady last year. What? No, she wasn't. Yes, she was.

You don't go back to being an ordinary citizen. She's always like a former first lady. Okay, but that doesn't sound as good, Gailer. Former first lady to first lady. That's not catchy. You don't have to contextualize it at all. Look, Giler, I don't get to pick nothing. Okay?

I pick a Christmas tree like 10 years ago and nobody else. Never let me forget. Well, they were bleeding. Christmas bleeding. So when I find out that Donald ride a plane without me, he make a movie. And I wanted to be about when I become first lady. A Jane, okay? Wait, wait, sorry, the part of the Epstein files that bothered you is that he rode in a plane without you?

Yeah, I love the little plane. It has those cookies I like so much. For the last time, those are headphones. Well, I like to eat them. I like the Christmas trees. I just, I liked them. sure you got to get the blood I did

Manzi And we're back We're back for the breakdown And we're going to open up on the MGM Lion Looking a shame to be there Wishing you could get the redacted bars You know over his eyes or something

And for some reason they zoom in on the MGM logo Which is Latin for art for art's sake And I was like Ooh Don't you mean it this week This is a Brett Ratner film That's Art Quay Art Yeah, uh-huh

Okay We got six production logos Because everybody wanted it on this bribe early, I guess But weren't you surprised that Trump Doesn't have his own production company? Right? Like there was no Trump production

Yeah, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle thing that he has Yeah, so It went bankrupt with the stakes Oh yeah, right So we open on a beach I said beach I'm not just making fun of her accent. And we pan up from that and we see Mar-a-Lago

because just looking at it on video doesn't violate Eli's restraining order, right? Okay, let's admit that the nicest drone shot they could possibly get of Mar-a-Lago still looks like an afterlife you would be sentenced to for robbing the elderly, right? What if the golf course was the building? Am I right?

Did it have a lighthouse? Yep. It appeared to have a lighthouse. Yep. Wow. It has a lighthouse and it has a green that just leads directly into the building. I assume so Trump could just start driving on it immediately

first thing in the morning. Start doing donuts. Oh, God. So fully 30% of this movie will be like a close-up of her heels stepping out of something. Right? And that noise you're not. heard that was Brett Ratner just, oh, just out of frame being like,

fear, calves. It's a good amount of the movie. It really is, yeah. So she's being ferried from Marilago to a waiting plane. And another, like 30% of is her feet. Another 30% of it is her being ferried from one event to another, right? Yeah. But to get into this jet that just screams, if someone was going to compare my dick to a

Mario Kart character, it wouldn't be. be one of the big ones you can push a motherfucker off the track with. Or that's what it screamed to me anyway. It's an acceleration dick. That's the important thing. I don't have great top speed, but I have good acceleration. If I get knocked off. Oh, sorry, Karen, to go.

Mario Kart deep cuts on you this early. It's okay. I kind of understand those at least. All right, good, good. That's for my childhood. What I didn't like this early in the film is that they used a lot of, shall we say, good music. Yes.

Legitimate music. Yes, yeah. Really good music. Mainstream music. So, and personally, I don't love the Rolling Stones. Sorry, I don't. But the audacity of using a quintessential anti-war anthem

to introduce the wife of a fucking war criminal. Yes. Intense. Well, this actually was the warning he gave us about Iran, it turns out. It says, in the lyrics, war children is just a shot away,

and that's what he, he was actually talking about it. Yeah. Yeah, and how many times? because, of course, I watch this with the subtitles. I always watch these films with the subtitles. Rape, murder. It's just a shot away over and over while she's walking with those.

Yes, exactly. So she gets on the plane looking like fucking Skeletor's mom. There's almost skin on top of her cheekbones, right? You can really tell the surgeon went, ah. It's just a little too thin. We see the Trump bobbleheads on the airplane, like the Terminator Trump bobblehead they have there.

And I just want to take a moment because truly, if you haven't watched this movie, watch along everyone associated with the Trump administration is the saddest most pathetic version, right? Like the stewardesses look kind of like dumpy and lost. Their pilot is 90 for some reason. And just like, all right, here we go. They said I had to retire.

but I guess not for the president. Okay, dokey. I still can't believe it works after all these years. Up in the sky like Jesus. Oh, I... I thought that was Biden at the debate for a second. Biden.

Fuck. Camelah. Could have been different. Kamala. You got to vote for her. She's great. What's her name? My mother died.

So then we get... So, we get the beginning of the Melania voiceover for the movie, right? This is the first time we hear that. That was jarring. Right away. And it's because, for me personally, it was true. Eli's already smiling.

Eli wakes me up like this, like an inch from my face doing the Melania voice. Hello, Eve. It's time to wake up. I have some pancakes. Just a sleepy. Here's the thing, right? And I forget this until I hear her voice. My impersonation

fucking rocks. I don't want to toot my own horn. But like, sometimes I'll be like, oh, is this problematic? And then I hear her voice and I'm like, no, I'm a genius. I'm a mind of my time.

If anything, I go easy on her. Her voice is the funniest thing anyone's ever done. When her regime is brought down and her husband is hung at Nuremberg, she should consider reading the phone book for stand-up comedy. Adam Smith. Sold out shows like Dave Chappelle.

And probably transphobic. Same amount of hatred for trans children. Yeah. So Melania invites us. She voiceovers to invite us to spend 20 days watching her life as she transitions to First Lady or whatever. She goes, the very first line of her BO, she goes, everyone wants to know.

And I'm like, well, not according to the fucking box office receipts they didn't. Nobody gave a shit. I actually, when I told some friends of mine that I was being forced against my will to watch this movie, one of my friends said that he was reading an article that said in the few screens where they actually did show this movie before, maybe or at the same time as it went to Amazon, there were reviewers that went to watch it and they were trying to write up their reviews. and they wanted to interview audience members and get their reactions, and they couldn't find any

because it was only other reviewers in the audience of the movie. Just a bunch of movie reporters having meet-cutes, just fuck, God damn it. Amazing. So, yeah. Their audience was actually crisis actors. They actually do that show.

Yeah, they do. Right? They do that shit. Fires. She talks about, She's like, you know, I spend a lot of time doing my family and my business. I'm like, no, you fucking don't. She says, and my philanthropy.

And I'm like, okay, I'm not buying your philanthropy shit unless you're feeding him glass slowly like in odds, okay? So you have a chance to do some fucking philanthropy here. Also, feed him a little faster. Yeah, right, right, not enough. Just don't hold his hand on any of the 900 staircases we're going to watch in this movie. Right. The overarching theme is that Malachi.

Alanya Trump could do the greatest thing of the 21st century by doing this. That's it. That's all it takes, Gerald. I'll never do the voice again. I'll cut out my voice box and mail it to you. You just got to hit a foot. Boom, be, be, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. He'll make such great noises on the way down.

Ah, ooh, he, oh, ah. They'll be the best noise. They'll be the best noise. No one will ever make better noises. Nobody Fals the way I've done Nobody falls like So those are the noises

Eli makes when he orgasms as well Don't ask me how I know Does he wake you up like that? That's how I wake him up actually But No so she gets off the plane We're five minutes into the movie She's just been delivered around

By other people like a fucking Amazon package Up to this point And we get Yet another close-up on her shoes Stepping out of the plane This is the first of many times where we see her in a dimly-lit indoor room wearing thick sunglasses.

Fuck, yeah. Like dark sunglasses. But she's walking through the hallway into their fucking hilariously, self-spoofingly gaudy door into the... I guess this is Trump Tower residence. Trump Tower, Columbus Circle. But they always go through,

I guess in rich people houses, to get to the front door, you go through like the kitchen entrance. Right. Do you notice that? They're always like in these back hallways. Yeah. Uh-huh.

And then they get to the golden doors. Yeah. But he made them put bullshit Maga Trump stuff and like a poster of him? Yes, yes. Like at a Blockbuster when a movie... Blockbuster used to have movies. Okay, Blockbuster was...

Okay, movies were... Used to be... They were physical objects and sometimes they were broke. Shit, fuck. I think we lost them. Physical objects were... They were like... prices manifest?

I don't, fucking... So then we... So we get our title, Melania. Yes, we've only gotten as far as the fucking title so far. Oh, yeah, they're still showing Brett Ratner's name at this point.

We're five minutes in. Yes, right. He has a lot of credits. Oh, this is when she goes, Wheat disfilum. Here, we all have the word philum spelled F-E-L-U-M in our notes somewhere.

I checked. Every one of us wrote philum right there. It is philum. She gets two syllables in the... Oh, film. I honestly didn't know what we were talking about. I was like, who? Film.

What? Film. Filum. We this film. So she gets two, she gets two syllables out of film. Her bestest warmth was she gets three syllables out of. What harum. Waramoth.

Waramoth. So, so anyway, so we get her, like, she says, with her film, she was to show Americans her journey from fucking high-end sex worker to fascist punchline. She tells us Yeah, right So she tells us The big she goes You know I wake up every day with purpose

And I'm like, really? You would have never fucking guessed from what you've accomplished with your life So the first action She's really going to take in this movie Other than being transported from place to place Is she's going to go and see her designer About her inauguration outfit

Right? So we see like people carrying her clothes behind her like a goddamn Disney villain, right? I wrote in my nose, oh, I've seen this one, they make a jacket out of Dalmatians in it, yeah. And I think that's the Christie Nome by Opier. We're gonna get there. We'll get one.

We'll get one. She's not doing anything now. And what they're trying to sell, right, because Melania was a model, is they're trying to sell this idea that she knows a lot about fashion. And the way they do that is her first observation. is to hold a piece of fabric and go, this is black fabric, is this correct?

And everyone in the room, who is not a good actor, goes, yeah? Oh, fabric, yep, it is. Yes, that's not blue. And the fashion. And then she holds up another piece of fabric and says, this is navy, this is lighter than black. Yes. Yeah, guys.

Sure is, first lady. Her main little Lefou, the little French guy, he's pretty good at selling it, but he has an Asian associate, and this girl has no fucking chill. She's the star of the movie, because every shot she's just like, she just, our notes are filled with pictures of this woman

because she's everything I want and more. So when Melania walks out, because she gets the fitting, and she has a little bunch of nitpicky fucking comments, and she walks out of the room and we can watch everybody physically pull the words, what a bitch, back out of the air and put him in her mouth.

It's amazing. They're like, fucking cameras on. They made a lot of choices in this film to leave things out that I wouldn't have, or to leave things in. Yeah, that I wouldn't have left in if I had full creative control. It felt like a prank after a few of them in a row. Right. The one where they show her like starting to sing and getting it wrong,

and they're like, no, no, no, don't start. and then she does it right? Yeah, yeah. Well, what happened is, obviously, the Trumps were watching this, and she was like, no, wait, Bray, should we show the scene where everybody sighs a big sigh when I leave the room? Trump was like, oh, no, that's fine. People do that when I leave the room, everything.

It's because the respect is leaking out of their body, how much respect they had for you. Sort of a respect, it's a respect anus, and it releases it. Tyler told me all about it. Use the puppet pals. So she, at this point she explains to us, and this is sort of the theme of the movie, or the pacing, I guess, of the movie.

She explains that there are four different events, different celebrations that she has to prepare for for the inauguration. She is going to have to, I know this is some hard work, but she is going to have to exist at four different places in the span of two days. This is the first time I wrote in my notes, wow, Eli's not being cruel enough

with his impersonation of her accent. You beat me to it. There's also where she's like, you know, my education in architecture makes me really good at party planning. Yeah. Is she an architect? No, of course not. What a crazy, easy to Google lives.

Oh, so she's not. No, of course not. I wrote my note. She was an architect, girl. How far you have fallen? Yes. You're right? So far.

Right. But there's no evidence anywhere on the internet, full of lies. They haven't even made up that lie yet, yeah. My favorite is when she's going to speak French. Speak French, we're going to get there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but the other thing is, too, is that, like, that doesn't even follow, right?

Like, if you're going to make up a fucking lie, make up a relevant lie, architects aren't good at party planning. Or, I mean, I guess they could be, but there's not a reason why they would be. I think these buildings will hold up the building that we have the party in real good. So that's good. Because you need those. Yeah, there's a roof and everything. You gotta have a groove.

But the other thing, too, that we have to like emphasize here, she's like, you know, I'm good at having a good vision for the party and blah, blah, blah, because of my architecture. But she's not planning the fucking party. She's just bothering the guy who is. Okay. Yeah. Donald James Parker?

Fuck, yeah. It's the event planner, right? You saw that. He's gay Donald James Parker. Yes, gay Donald James Parker. It is kind of fucked up. there's this gay guy and he's, and he's just, like, helping her take his rights from him.

No, yeah, this gay guy, she's surrounded by gayies in this film. Her entire, like, menager, she has a menagerie of gays. Yeah. And you can tell she loves them, but, like, I feel like the cognitive dissonance with these men must be very, very strong. Yeah, you got to figure. So she explains to us at this point that she demands, quote, timeless elegance.

And I'm like, you mean, like, At the time you put KKK hoods on Christmas trees? Those were for Christmas. It was a celebration. You put the hood on the child. You seen the child around. The last child to be called is sacrifice to the grinkle grackle. It's fun.

He's like nothing from Slovenia can be part of anything anymore. When my mother dies, she said to me, oh no, let go, let go, my bones. Okay. So now David, the party planner, is going to show her the invitations, right? We get the big invitation. I have to just power through sometimes, guys. You're going to have to just get on my fucking bus with me and go. Look, the grickle grackle. I'm, look, I'm a stupid person, and I've been there when smart people pretend that I'm part of the decision-making process too. Yes. And I would have found this insulting.

He's like, you're the first one to see this red envelope. And she's like, wow. Yes, right. And it's like, well, surely someone's seen it before because someone put the goddamn thing in the envelope. But she's too dumb to. Oh, and there's the moment where he goes, he goes, remember, we said, look, here we got the table clause and they're red. Because remember you said you liked red? I did say that.

Oh, this is my training and architect finally coming together. This is all my work as a brain surgeon. I remember saying, Reg. Oh. God, she's picking out table close. Guys, it's amazing this didn't do better in theaters.

Well, this is the part, too, where they talk about what they're going to serve at this dinner. Yes. Do I just remember the first thing that people are going to eat at this dinner? A gold filled with caviar. Yeah.

She goes, well, you know, for this dinner, the theme the color palette is white and gold because we're going to make a lot of white people rich. And then she goes, he goes he'll start off with a gold egg full of caviar and I'm like, if I was making this

shit up, right? If I was just trying to make fun of the gaudy fucking shit that Donald Trump would serve his fucking donors, I would say a gold egg filled with caviar. With the Bitcoin logo. Or the Melania coin. The Melania coin's

down from $2 to 11 cents, I think now. There's a Melania coin? I'm sure the fuck is. I didn't buy any. He said too loud. I don't know why. I didn't buy any.

I also, I love this moment too, right? There's this moment where she's about to leave the party planners and she says, yeah, it's on next Friday. And everybody's like, well, not fucking next Friday. It'd be the Friday, it's not what the fuck are you even talking about? But they can't tell her that so they're like, yep, 13 days from now, it'll be

just like you said. Hey, if Noah left me getting days that wrong in our podcast, we would have a fist fight. It's a three-minute sequence of him being like, yeah, next next next. Well, sure, I mean, I fuck that it was this. She says it's this Friday. And it's two weeks away and he's like, no, next Friday. And she goes, no, it's this Friday. And he goes, yes, it sure is this Friday.

Because he's this weekend, and then he's next weekend, but in between this weekend. And this man, can we say, in a hell of his own making, right? Yes, yes. Because he could have said, oh, that job, no thanks. Yep, I'll suck dicks for a living instead. I'll gargle the cum of random people on the seaside, right? He could have done anything. So instead he's going, yeah, yeah, you know, this Friday, next Friday. All right.

So then we go to this other meeting with this woman, Tham, who is organizing a different event. Oh, Sam. Poor Tham. Bell pad. Okay. Here's the thing. At this point, there are a lot of, shall we say,

immigrants surrounding the first one. Yep. Who probably are no longer surrounding the first. Sam is 100% in an iced attention camp, right? Yeah, and one of the gulags? Yeah, yeah. Extraordinarily rendered. It is strange how many people

they choose to spend time with who are directly contradictory to their policy. What is that? Is it that they're like, oh, but they're the exception? I think that's exactly it, right? The people that you know, it's a completely different, universe and you don't associate them

with other people in any way. You know, the evil other doesn't get, you know, it's like when the racist has a friend that's black and doesn't conform to any of the fucking stereotypes, they assume that that's the exception to the stereotype. Yeah, but to be fair, none of their friends are black. Well, no.

A co-worker that they took a picture in a lot of Asian. I'm an Asian. There's a lot of Asian. The closest they have is Cash Patel, and he's whiter than I am. Yeah, yeah. Raw! Yeah, we're going to find your mom any second, Ms. Jeffrey.

Big hockey fan, yeah. The white face is cocaine, though. Yeah, mostly. Okay, but there's a moment in like 2029. And Nancy Godfrey's bones. There's a moment in 2029. They leave the White House. Let's assume they leave the White House.

I like that. Yes. Yes, manifest this. They're leaving the White House. We're manifesting. Let's not wait until 20. 29. Yeah.

This is a good point. 747. How about Pacific time? But Melania walks out and ice gets her right away. That's fucking point. Who's in charge next? Oh, I love it.

Just a bunch of anti-ice protesters outside the White House being like, let him cut. Okay, abolish ice eventually. We didn't say when. Starting now. We didn't say when. Let him.

Drag her out to the... the fan. Oh, she fell. Can't wear heels. So, yeah, so she explains all the great shit that she did with her first term. As First Lady, she explains how she restored the Rose Garden. You know the way that, like, we restored democracy in

South American countries? She's like, you know, I changed a lot of shit in the White House. I'm like, yeah, you wasted taxpayer money on extravagances instead of improving literally anyone's life in any fucking way. Yeah, we noticed. But, you know, so I went down a rabbit hole about this, because I was like, wait, what did change and then of course there are hundreds

of articles about all the fucking gaudy shit she put into the White House. So you know whose vision I want? Jill Biden's. Because Jill had to walk in after 2016 and try, she was just like, all right, time to be the president. Oh shit.

Yeah, there's a lot of blood stuff in here. Why is Sarah Huckabee Sanders eating a bucket of chicken under the piano? I got kicked out. of the chry again. The first month, she's just walking out of every room going, that one's gold

too. That one's fucking gold too. I just want to sit in a comfortable chair and read a book. Jesus. She explains, though, apparently that they have to pick out all of their new White House shit because they can't use the gross shit that the Biden's used, or that they

used last time. And she explains what a challenge that is, apparently, because they only have like five hours to swap out all the furniture? Why do they do this? I don't know why they put a ticking clock on that. Apparently this is a real thing. It's like only while they're at the inauguration.

They only have five hours to do the entire switcheroo. That's a big fucking house to try to do in five hours, yeah. Awful. Yeah. Feels like a union thing, right? Feels like some Ayatzi guy is going, no, look, I looked at the contract and we can only do the 35 minutes between you driving from Washington Square down to the house.

And Joey's the only guy who gets to change the plugs. Isn't that right, Joey? So there's a great moment here, too. What? There's a great moment here, too, where Tham, who's planning this party or whatever, she starts doing, like, her explanation of her parents first moving to America and her living the immigrant dream. Nobody cares that I want gold seal on the crystal.

Oh, my God. So Melania, right in the middle of it, just cuts her off. Yeah, yeah, whatever, immigrant, shmimmigrant. Do you want to put, we want to put a seal on this glass right here? It's amazing. It's amazing that that made it into the fucking movie. So then, okay, so then we have to go meet her designer Hervey to see how the dress is coming along. This is the redacted dress.

This is her LaFou. Yeah, we get a little LaFu's backstory here. He's like, I worked for all these famous dressmakers. And now, now I make dresses for Melania Trump. So yes, I guess you could say I'm in danger of self-harm. Pretty much all the time. Okay. The voice is very clear.

It's very clear. So this is... Do I have a plan? I have plans. What if I get brave in this room of my house? Eli, I'm a mandated reporter. You can't talk like this to me right here. You're talking about Lafou.

Not me. This is LaFu. That's LaFu. I'm fine. Now, okay, we had a bit of a discussion. I'm going to just tell you out front. So, listen, if I explain what's going on now, she actually does have to report it, so I'm not going to tell you.

So we had a bit of an argument about this, a backstage about this dress. Now, you might remember this dress that she has that has. It looks like somebody was designing it, and then Trump came through with his Sharpie and went, Why not this right here? Oh, this is the crazy black belt. Zieg-zag thing, yeah, yeah. I gotta be honest. I loved it.

Thank you. This looks good, right? Her fashion is like on point. Solid. Like the whole film. It looked like a gender bent Flash Gordon to me. Exactly. That's awesome.

Like Lady Emperor Zod was about to show up with a big rubber cock and I was going to watch a porn. You're making it so confusing. Are you arguing against her four? No, I'm important. Okay. I'm just making it hot. Listen.

So, now this is the second... Regardless of what you think of the fashion here, this is the second protracted dress fitting scene in the film. Eli made a really good point about this in the notes that I was hoping you'd share. Yeah, imagine they were making a movie about Michelle Obama,

and in the first five minutes, there were three dress fittings. It would be insanely insulting. Think of any other first lady in history who they would try to build up on purpose by being like, and then she wore another hat. That's their best go.

And this isn't the first five minutes. We're like 30 minutes. Yes. And this is all that has happened. Exactly. She had a fitting. She talked about a party. Yep.

She talked about golden furniture. Yep. Time for the next fitting. Another fitting. Yeah. That's the movie so far. Can we talk about it's your eight-year anniversary? So this, the funniest journey to me in this entire movie is whoever, I don't know if it's

Brett Ratner, whoever it is off screen. We haven't mentioned it yet, but fucking perversion fucking factory, Brett Ratner directed this thing. In the Epstein files. Yeah, Epstein file. That's how he knows, Trump, I'm sure. Not cool perversion, because sometimes that's cool. Yeah, right, right, right. No, yeah, yeah, in a bad way.

So, but somebody is off-screen several times desperately trying to humanize this absolute robot litch of a fucking human being. You know, and so they just kind of, I said litch, it's okay. But he's, so he's constantly going like, you know, like, do you like music? And at this point he goes, now, today's the eighth anniversary of when you met this dressmaker guy, huh? And he goes, oh, God, has it been eight years? You know, you can, like, rob a bank and get less than eight years if it's your money. And then you'd have the money from the bank.

Why, and I think no one would know? It's got my name on it. But she tries to play this off. Because, again, truly, just the whole movie, he's like, fucking smile. It's the bet. So she's standing there with Herve, who she doesn't know is solid, right?

and she goes, Jess, I remember. Eight years are the words he just said. And it has been a good time. The whole. And you hear Brett Rattner be like,

don't say time. Time. There's been a good time the whole time. So. Time. Oh, God. It was so hard for it. When I went through this movie and we write little cues of like, here's the line where this movie starts.

It was so hard for me not to write them phonetically when she started off. So I did. But the end result of it is I have no fucking idea. I'm looking at my writing. I'm like, what the fuck was this? I don't know. Being the first lady means managing. Okay, no, managing many obligations.

Obligations. Yeah. Obelagations. I got it. I nailed it. This is where she says it's her job to oversee the White House officer. operation. What?

And I was like, no, she doesn't, but I really, really wish she did. No, no, I know her vein. It's a stapler. So, she goes... It's a 9mm stapler. She goes... Latimein, I need to staple some of papers. Together.

You can't lick them together. Because then people will know. your spit is glue. And that's how they catch you. All right. So then, oh God, we're going to go so over time on this. Yeah. So she's like, you know, I look over,

she actually says at this point, you know, I oversee the entire White House operations, starting with the East Wing. I'm like, you're nailing it. At the bar. Jesus. She wears many hats, though. That's what we're learning here.

Yeah, yeah. Much like a chum. Much like a chum. Yeah. She lists some of them, and this is literally what she says. You know, I have a lot of roles. She says, mother, daughter, wife, friend. That's all she can come up with.

That's true of anyone with kids, right? God. And then there's this part where she's like interviewing potential chiefs of staff or whatever the hell the term is for her, like, main assistant or whatever. And then she's like, you know, we had a lot of candidates, but then they only show two getting interviewed. And they both get the job. Right. Well, yeah. So, but my question is, is did they not get a lot of, like, interview applicants, or did they not get a lot of interview applicants that agreed to be in a room with Brett Ratner?

Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Two separate propositions there. So then, okay, so then, oh, God, I love this scene so fucking much. Talk about scenes that why the fuck would they leave this in the movie. This is the scene where Donald calls her? This is the best. This is the best. It's so good. He's in the election, and he's like, did you watch me get some? certified to become president, right? That's the moment? Yes, and she goes... And she goes, I did not. Nope. Yeah.

No. Nope. I sure didn't. And then he goes, and then he goes, you should really watch it. And she goes, I'll see the highlights on the news.

She really does in this fucking movie. My fingernails cannot work the Apple TV remote. Because they get caught inside, and then it starts to bleed. Do you think they like each other? No. No, oh God, no. I think he likes her a little bit.

Do you think he likes her? Yeah. Generally, they cannot fake chemistry for the duration of a fucking 18 second phone call in this documentary. But what do you think her conception is of him? Like, how does she see Donald Trump? Yeah, yeah.

Ching, yeah. I feel like, if I may, I feel like it's if you agreed to be on our podcast and then 30 years later you woke up next to me and I was the president of the United States. Because keep in mind, like, look, credit to Melania, right? She was like, I fuck these rich guy, and they let me fly on their jet. And now he's like, we're going to war with Iran, and she was like,

this was not the job. I jerk off of the little man, and then I go back, and I marry a handsome man who look like me. And instead, I'm a president lady now. What that mean? I don't want to hang out with Harrah Sakaby Handers. I like Sarah Sakami Handers. That's good. She kind of seems a bit like she feels sorry for him.

Okay. There's like a tone in the call when he's like, did you see it? Did you see it? And she's like, no, I was very busy. And then he's like, you should really watch it. It's very important. She's, okay, yes, you're very important.

You know? That's her. tone every time she's like a rando at the bar was like I have a podcast do you want to check it out her husband just became president again and that's her tone yes that's her tone yes yes you are very important big winner big we'll put it on the refrigerator she goes he goes it was a landslide nothing like this has ever happened before I checked it was the 44th best margin of victory out of 60 presidential elections well I mean it was the first time that they had a transition of power without a violent mob entire decade.

No, that's a good point. That's cool. That's a good point. That's cool. Because you're cowards. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we've earned a hell of a lot more than a break,

and that's all we're going to take. But we're back in a minute with even more of Melania, live from San Francisco. Mr. Ratner? Sorry. Hey, Tigler. Tiegler, right? That's your name?

It's Tyler. Got it close. Close. Cool. What's up? name that you got, but look, I, I wanted to talk to you about some of the scenes in the Melania movie. Oh, it's so amazing, right?

Yeah. How do you like it? No, I am amazed at parts of it. Nice. Like, you show a lot of... Nice. Right, but you show a lot of Melania, like, just waiting for things to happen. Opposed to strike.

Yep. Mm-hmm. And just, like, traveling to events that she just, she's just attending. Appearing in style. Yeah. Right. Okay, but don't you want to cover some of her like charitable work? Yeah, I mean, First Lady's usually to... Usually do some of that stuff.

Yeah, Melania does not. No. Really? Yeah, yeah. Remarkably inactive as the First Lady. Just kind of shows up to parties as about it. Okay, but what about Be Best? That was like two videos, man. She did nothing. Like, nothing. Okay.

Well, then I guess this is, movie is fine. Yeah. Hey, Kyle. Tyler. Do you know where I could get like, you know, a little... Yeah, just ask Pete or Cash

or Eric. Cash is the black guy? Well, he's Indian. Yeah, whatever, man. Yeah, he says that too. And we're going to spend about the next 10 minutes or so of the documentary

trying to make the death of Jimmy Carter about Melania. Yeah. Trying to. Well, yeah, do it. Yeah, right, right. So, there's, like, a terrifying reminder that presidents can live to be a hundred.

Yeah, right. Not cool, ma'am. We're all trying to have a good night with the grickle-grackle, okay? That guy left because of that shit. Hey, May, he's not going to lit. He's got the thing on his hand, and it's growing. Oh, he's gone.

So it's probably growing. Doctors aren't that good. This guy's going to you. We're losing it by the second. They have a weird line, right? I got to go quick before we lose a whole guy of Amanias. Okay. So there's, okay, so she says that Jimmy Carter died, but then she says he...

Come on. Come on. You did that on purpose. I can't describe, it's an audio medium. I can't describe how that. man just left our show. Propels by IBS by IBS, perhaps. You know, when you're

in a video game and there's like a goblin character who steals your gold? And you got to fucking chase him down and like, bing, and then you get it back and you're like, fucking witcher shit, goddain. That's how he, like, he's the, like, all my notes are going to be gone and I have to hunt him down.

So, yeah, so Melania explains that the Jim Jimmy Carter died, she says he, quote, passed away unexpectedly. He was a hundred years old and had been in hospice for like three weeks. I guess it was, oh, right? Yeah, no, it was. Yeah, it was a lot longer than that. Yeah, so it, I was like,

it was it unexpected like the closing of the strait of Hormuz was unexpected? Was it that kind of unexpected? Well, it was unexpected in that this part of the movie was supposed to be about the fact that her mom died? Well, don't worry, Eli. Jesus Christ, she goes, you know, I am very sad for him to die because my mother also has died. And that's like double the death now. Like how many people do we even have left at this point? Especially you should crack out all the people who left the audience.

Oh, can be my mom. Oh, can be Jimmy Carter. I wrote my notes. So I'm like, she's so shitty. I'm glad. her mom died. I don't feel good about having written that, honestly. She'd go to the funeral. She goes, yesterday we will meet with the Jimmy Carter family.

And I'm like, oh, that's worse than losing grandpa right there. Fuck. Is it just because he's president now where he's about to be like he automatically has to be invited? Because you know they didn't want to do. Oh, God, yeah. I'm surprised he didn't have a rider in his funeral. He's like, you don't get any money if you let that asshole come to my fucking funeral.

Put me out with the trash. I don't, just not. Don't bring them near my kids. Is that your Jimmy Carter? My Jimmy Carter. Yeah, all right. If there was the guy with a clipboard at the funeral being like, Mm.

Donald what? Melania gets in, but Donald and Barrettow. So, but I also want to point out that this is the first, when they go to the funeral, this is the first time that Donald shows up in this movie. We're in the, we're already, like, past the second interstitial. Donald doesn't show up. It took someone dying.

for him to cameo in her documentary. You bring it back Eli's notes? Bring back my gold. We're slowly getting them back. That was excellent. That was a pretty good walk back in. It was. It was a saunter.

I think people who haven't seen the movie need to understand that this is the beginning of a good chunk, like maybe a fourth of the film, is dedicated to us. Like, we're supposed to feel sorry for Melania that her elderly, mother has died, right? Which, which, I mean, it happens, right? You're 72 year old, yeah, right. It will happen

to all of us, but she literally co-ops Jimmy Carter. It's not just like, oh, and now we're going to Jimmy Carter's funeral, and then we never hear his name again, and they're playing funeral durses, and she's crying about her mom and lighting candles for her mom, and they superimpose it like we're supposed to forget. Yes. You know, that it's Jimmy Carter's funeral? Right, like you were supposed to be thinking it's her mom's funeral. Yeah, like at what? It was. At one point, they show the coffin with the flag on top, but they never say his name. She just keeps talking about her mom. And I'm like, that's Jimmy fucking Carter in the box.

Yeah. You can't fool us. Although I will say, I do have to dispute one small thing that you said, because you said she's crying for her mother. She never. She doesn't cry. I cannot make a moisture anymore. Because it is glue. You know when she's sad because she says things like, this is a point where we have emotion.

Yes. She like narrate. I swear you can't know. He was very emotional for me. See him? Gry, cry, cry, cry. Well, in her defense, I don't think the plastic surgery allow us for emotions on the face at this point. So they get in the car together, her and Donald, and they're driving away, and they have this conversation about Barron.

It's the first time that they mention their child. I love this so much. Do you mean Flenderman? I want to... Hey guys I've got great news Oh I'm so sad Donald Trump's the president His son is fucking Slender Man the Bird

And look This first conversation's weird We're gonna talk about it in a second But that's because their son looks like this Yeah I mean honestly The only thing The only thing good about the second term Over the first term

Is that Barron's old enough That we can make fun of how ugly he is now And not feel bad listeners at home, Eli is now doing the cat bit knocking shit off of the so okay What's he doing?

This is Barron and Slender Man and a cat I get to be president next, Papa. So now I want to point out I want to point out that when we hear them having this conversation in the car about Barron when they're asking you know, oh how is Barron

and we are such good friends with our child, I know him very well. We never see anybody's lips move. We're looking at the back of their heads from the car. I feel like this whole fucking thing was 80-yard-in. They got through the whole thing and they were like, oh, fuck, you guys never even mention your goddamn kid, do you?

I don't even think, yeah, that's like an AI doing Trump. They just like, yeah. She's like, what would make me happy for him to say here about our stuff? Because it's insane. So Barron is 6'9 and he's, what, 20 years? years old. Yeah. He's a giant man, right? And in the scene, she's like, you spend time

with Berrin, how was it with Barron? And what does he say? He says something insane. Like, oh, it was very cute. He kept saying cute things. What a cute kid. And he got caught lying, too. He's like, yeah, Barron's always up late. She's like, no, he's not. No, he's not. He's like, no, he's actually, he's actually, you know, we have a lot of

conference. Well, actually, he just stays in his room. He did say that, yeah. He just goes to his, no, no, that's what he said. He was like, he was like, he just went to his and went to sleep. No, he did not. He called me. He was like that's it. He was on the phone with me. He was awake. He was just avoiding you. Yes. He's on speaker right now. Dad, you're lying.

He loves strawberries. He's allergic to strawberries. Fuck. Alergic. Oh, he's allergic to strawberries. Fucking insane, that kid. Have you seen him? It's insane. So, Donald... I scream. I turn out. He's just next to me in the car. So Donald and Melania, they show up for the funeral.

Now, she's dressed as the floor. lying none with a hangover at this point. Okay, I will give you, this is the one outfit she wears that I don't approve. Okay, all right. She looks fabulous a lot, but not not this time. It's weird. I liked when she looked like the mime. This one's not the mime, right? When she's got the Charlie Chapman

hat. No, no, no, no. This is when she's got the big... She's got the Sherlock Holmes's like cape thing? Yeah, yeah. It's the lapel. It's a big... Yeah, big weird lapel. Yeah. I liked when she wore the tan suit. The black tie. Yay. Oh, that was all right. That was all right. So, and I also want to

We see the motorcade bringing Carter's, the funeral procession for Carter, and we see that the streets are lined up with people who are, like, showing their respects. And I thought to myself, there's no fucking way they'd do that for Donald. Right? Like, if that was Donald dying, you could not get a crowd shot where somebody wasn't waving their dick at the camera or something like that. You know, I just, that was a nice little moment. Think about how hard they're going to have to make parades illegal that year.

Yeah. Because they're going to be like, oh, well, if it isn't St. Patrick's Day. They got his corpse on the end of a trumpet. Just doing St. Patrick's Day, everybody. We always have one of these parades. Listeners at home, Eli is violating the corpse that he's pretending to puppet. Oh, that's what that was. Oh, he did a hammer toss.

All right, wait, wait, where's he going up? He's going to the top rope. He's going to the top rope. What the fuck is happening now? I got the steel chair. That's my workout for the century. Yep. All right, so, and then, okay, we get,

we haven't really been talking about the banalities that Melania voices over here, but this is one of my favorites. She's hijack and Jimmy Carter's funeral to talk about her mom again. And she says, and I quote, I swear this is a real quote from the fucking movie. everything I am began with my parents Oh let me write that shit down

Hold on a second Oh your dad's sperm and your mom's egg You say oh wow Jesus Okay my favorite part of the funeral Is Donald Trump Knotted off and they kept it In the move

Okay It's and he does it He's like I was doing a head bob drool dance I'm doing it I was davening I'm Jewish right Yeah. What religion am I now?

So look, so I want to point out that we all do our notes independently here. I've written in my notes. Did they just show Donald Trump fall asleep at the funeral? Heath has written Donald Trump nodded off. Kara has written, wait. No. No, no, she doesn't have it. Okay.

But Eli has written, and then we all watch Donald fall the fuck asleep. No, I was writing in all caps. That's Carter in the box. That's not your mom in the box. Also, did you guys know that his name was James Earl Carter? I did not. I didn't know it was James Earl. That's, he's so badass.

God, I miss him. Yeah. Oh, God. It's like, this movie is so unintentionally ironic in so many places. Yeah. And just the daylight between Donald Trump and Jim. And Jimmy Carter, who gave up his fucking peanut farm so that'd be no, like, conflicts of interest.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. and then spent the rest of his life building homes for poor people. We'd have a fucking peanut coin now if he had the same morals as down. Yeah, right, right. So, okay, so... I bet he wasn't a big help in the later years. I bet he kind of held projects back. Yeah, he was always bruised up and shit doing it, yeah.

Listeners at home, Eli is now performing here. He's not like a habitat for... humanity and he is bad at hammering. Exactly, yeah. He has to get, like, benched. And everybody had to, like, work. You're making fun of elderly Jimmy Carter, right? Yeah, I feel like he wasn't a big help in his later years.

You know, a lot of comedians don't have the guts to go after Jimmy Carter in his senior years. Take that motherfucker down a peg. It's about time. There we go. Now I reverse two, Lexington. You see what you made me do? Why? We have to go for the escalation.

So, okay. So, no, so she's leaving to funeral. She goes to St. Patrick's... Just ignore him. You can't make any noise, that I'll keep doing it. Don't encourage him. There was going to be another Anna song,

but now I'm not so sure. So, okay. Yeah, I know how to fucking calm him down. So, okay. Boom, Jimmy Carter's ghost. She's gotta... So they leave the funeral. She wants to stop by St. Patrick's Cathedral

to light a candle for her mom because she would like to stop traffic on 51st street in the middle of the fucking day in Manhattan. People have places to be. This is the first time she goes for Warrameth. What was that? A Warrump. Warram.

I feel so much varumps. It's a lot of warrants. Oh, she says my mother was a rich thread weaving varum. That was the quote. Oh, and this is extremely accurate. The absolute worst moment of good music in this fucking movie because they have one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever recorded. They have Aretha Franklin,

who may have the best voice in the history of the English language since we've been recording voices, singing Amazing Grace, which is a strong contender for the greatest song ever written, and it's just absolutely fucking beautiful. And I'm watching the fucking Melania movie. While I'm hearing it, it fucks me right up. Yeah, I hope her ghost suit.

them. Do you think maybe that happened? Yeah. Oh, God. Well, there is a point where Melania starts talking over Aretha. And I'm like, oh, fuck I shut up. I'm just here your shit. They used the Aretha track.

Have a little respect. Thank you. So stupid. Go ahead. They used the Aretha track because there's applause in it. And at one point, the movie wants us to think that the applause

from the Aretha track are the people watching Melania leave St. Patrick? Yes, yes. They time it so that the applause on the live track matches when she's walking out and somebody's yelling, fuck you! It's New York City, nobody's clapping from Malia.

Get out of the fucking way! I'll kill your mom again. You see what he like you do to a corpse? Unbelievable. You summoned her this time. This one's on you, big guy. So, okay. So...

Don't look, Kara. So the next day... This is not for the skeptics guy to the universe. So the next day, Melania's at her desk, hard at first ladying. When she gets this call from Brigitte McCrone, the First Lady of France. You just name a scene.

And it's so absurd. You can't. The movie's, like, really funny. It's so funny. I actually enjoyed this one. I did, I did. Did you notice, though, when they opened the scene, she's got her laptop, and you know how, like,

you can't do a Zoom here, because then it's, like, up your nose. So you have to, like, lift your laptop, so it's at eye level. And it's on, it's on top of a coffee table book called Melania. Which I thought, by the way, I thought at first I was like, is that the novelization of this movie? It's not. It's not. Or just, like, she's, like, she's,

got a standing desk, but it's, uh, which one is mine? We need to label these guys. I have a Skype call with a lady who knows my name. But it's also, it is amazing to me, though, that this stupid fucking movie is like, yeah, her book, what is that good for? Well, you can raise your laptop. Put your shit on it.

Well, a little bit. And that, not much, not enough. They have other books there, too. But this is where she's talking about all of her efforts against what she goes cyberbullying. I wrote it. Sabre bullying. Which is amazing because, of course, she's married to the world's foremost cyberbullying.

Yes. Right? She's like, I take very seriously cyberbullying, and I'm like, do you know? And meanwhile, Bridget McRone has to act like she's doing a fucking make-a-wish. She's like, Ha! Sonia!

You have lovely hand today. So there's my absolute favorite moment here is at one point, Brigitte McGrone starts speaking French, right? And they show Melania writing down notes as she's speaking French and nodding. Melania doesn't speak fucking French. Get the fuck out of here.

She's just lying about it. She's like, somebody translates that and then get me writing it down. You watch her on just like one piece of paper. She writes like four words of French. One of them is a number, I think. No, she's writing in English. But she's writing, yeah.

And she claims to speak like five or six languages, but I was curious. I was like, okay, she's from Europe. Maybe she speaks some French. So I looked up, Melania speaking French. I just wanted a video of that. There was a video that said, like, Melania Trump speaks French fluently,

and she's at a children's hospital. She says, bonjour. And then she says, Jean-appell Melania, and then that's the end of her French. It's like that flight of the Concord song. The call ends, and she's like, I did not get to ask her where the library was.

Or the swimming pool. So by the way, every source I could find that she speaks two languages. That's everything that I could find. So Slovenian and half of English. And they round it up from 1.5. Do those sources claim that English is one of those languages? Yes, yes.

Okay, then I don't believe that either. Right, right, exactly. Do any of you speak French? Could you understand what she was? She said, je mappel Melania, correct? That is her name. Jemapel Cara. The only thing I know in French is,

it's going to be very bad, is, oh, jeesue desolé, je no compre not. That's useful. Yeah, that's the only, and you just say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I don't know a word in French, I say it in English, in a French accent.

They love it when you do that, too. Who is the toster? So, now, we should also point out that in the background of this, like, I guess they're trying to, like, place this in time as well. So in the background of this movie to this point, We've had like news in the background of the terrible wildfires

that were happening in California at this time, right? Mm-hmm. And I can't tell if they're, if that's like, you know, oh, remember this was the moment that this happened, or if they're trying to say, she's what happens when fucking Democrats are in charge, they don't sweep their goddamn forests. You get a bunch of fucking fires.

Okay, but I was like, no, go ahead, Melania, narrate this wildfire scene that your wife, your husband said that there's a spigot in northern California that wasn't being turned on, so that the fire people could put out the fire in Los Angeles. A lot of people call my husband the spigate. It's true. But he loves everybody.

It's true. I said kids and adults, too. Okay. But we're getting, it's so gross. We're getting a side by side of the destruction of the wildfires in Southern California. And Melania sitting on her six-figure couch in a $65 million, New York City, Pennhouse. Yes.

Horrible. But she is sad because she says I have emotion. Right. That's how you know. As she's saying, I have emotion,

the camera's zooming in on her face as stolid as a fucking Halloween mask. There is no emotion on it whatsoever. Also, by the way, six-figure couch

is J.D. Vance's only thing. He's... It's a vice president. Remember when he fucked that couch? I don't think we talk about that enough. Because that's a lie. But who can't... Are we playing with truth now?

No. He fucked the couch. We're just making stuff up forever. You saw it. Yep. So now we're going to do the weirdest... If you haven't watched the movie, I want you to think about the weirdest goddamn thing

that could possibly happen at this point in this film. She reenacts 9-11 with hand puppets. I mean... It's... It's not different... That's not on a different thing. level, it's just a different thing. It's not less appropriate. No, so

she's now going to interview one of the October 7th hostages. And she's going to do exactly as good a job as you assumed she would do when I said that. And here's one of those weird things that they left in the movie, where you're like, why did

they leave this in the movie? They show this woman who was a released hostage coming to meet her to be interviewed, and they show her getting patted down by the secret service. This being wanted. Yeah, they do the TSA Wonding. I mean, I get that they have to do that, but why would you

show it in the fucking movie? And then we put that bitch against the wall, make sure she wasn't going to shank the first lady. Don't worry, we checked Pager on her belt right there. Is that a 90s pager that could explode? She's going to lend

that to her Lebanese friend later. She goes, Jesus Christ. But she has this whole big bit. pushing through again. She has this whole big bit where she's like, you know, but luckily, you know, because now this woman was a hostage for like 400 days or whatever,

her husband at the point that this movie is being made was still being held hostage, right? And so that's what this poor woman who has to talk to Melania Trump is just trying to get the message out that like, you know, I want my husband back. And so they have this like moment where she's like, yes, but luckily for her, unlike Joe Biden,

my husband, who campaigned against Joe Biden's support for Israel, wants the hostage is back. You know, so she gives this whole big, like, you know, we're actually going to get him back kind of a moment. She has this great thing. She's wearing a shirt with her husband on it, and she goes, I see you have a shirt. He's very beautiful.

I hope nothing bad happens to him. Hey, this woman literally saw her husband be tortured inside a Hamas torture chamber, and she goes, I hope nothing bad happens to him. And then she comes to her side of the couch to hug her. And my friends, that's why I'm so glad we're at a live show. So look, I don't know how you comfort the hostage of wife of this in October. I don't know.

But you definitely don't go around the longest possible way. Oh, you're going to come around the side? I'm coming one second. Are we hugging at the end of this? Yep, let me change my shoes. Okay. Okay, here we go. I'm not going to sit next to you because you smell like lotcas, but

here we go. No, no, don't reach. I got it. There, there. Think about money. Oh, gosh. This score is still pretty good, though. You guys are winning, right?

Oh, no. She goes, she hugs the lady. I wrote my notes and then she went and sanitized all the parts of her that just touched Jew. then we get this weird scene where her assistants are fielding calls

from people who want to talk about the very obvious bribe that this documentary is what was this scene it's like they so they ran out I mean because you can only do so many fittings

and like party planning me and there's only one Carter funeral so she only had one dead mom yeah she really milks that though But so it's 43, I looked, we're 43 minutes in, we're only 43 minutes into this.

And the movie just like ran out of content so it starts talking about itself. Yeah, they broke the fourth wall here. Completely, completely. They're talking about the media strategy for the movie that they're making. That we're watching. Yeah. That lost $58 million. Yeah.

And they're talking about how they're going to lose that money without knowing that they're talking about how they're going to lose money. And like they're being dicks about it. That part was weird, right? The reporter's question is, is there anything to this movie? And she's like, oh, shit, I said that out loud. But I don't trust him

because he's from the press. And they're, sorry, they're liars. Okay, this is like a documentary about The Challenger, and this is the scene where they're like, look at this O-ring we're building. This is great. Right. This is fucking sound.

We are so good at Survement. and whatever science rockets. We should put a kindergarten teacher on this thing right here. And Big Bird, let's get Big Bird. Let's press Big Bird's face right up against this ORE. So I do have to push us through pretty quick on this last bit of the segment. But this is where Melania's VO informs us there are only... He could taste the mime coming of Big Bird Birmingham to Death and the Challenger.

And he got ahead of it. I admire that. Well done. So... Well done. Then Melania, to Melania's V-O, she cuts into inform us that there are only five days left until the inauguration. This is the first time we see her in the Moose and Squirrel hat. Oh, you mean the Kung-Pao? Yes.

Kung-Low, yeah. The odd job thing? Yeah, she looks like the mime who killed Kennedy. This was a fun moment. I thought she looked great. I thought she looked great. No, I liked, I mean, I didn't like the hat. I like the outfit, though.

The hat, though, I get because it's like, it's like a force field. Because she was going to be standing this close to her husband the whole time. It's like social distancing from your spouse. That makes sense. Okay. That makes sense. It's like a cone, you know. She's like, can't get in there.

She dodges some kisses from Donald. She does. She's going to get him a cone if she can. Yeah. Her face might not move, but she's on a swivel. She's wearing the hat. She's wearing an outfit. She comes in and she goes,

just one more thing. And I so wanted her to say, do we have a hat that does not make me look like in 1950s comic book feeling? Right. Very spy versus spy. But no, her correction, she wants the hat to be a little bit more flat.

She makes it look worse somehow. So, okay. So then she goes back to Mar-a-Lago, and then there's this moment where they're leaving Mar-a-Lago and the filmmaker are just absolutely desperate for any hint of humanity asks her who her favorite singer is? Right?

And she gives the most boring possible answer, which is Michael Jackson. You know, nothing against, but like this fucking most boring ass. It's on brand though, right? I guess. It's a Brett Ratner movie. Yeah, exactly.

Sure. Can you name someone who died before they could publicly declare their hate for your husband? No. No. She says she, met Michael Jackson one time, which means that if that's true that he died shortly

after he met her, I blame her. And then this is what she's like, you know, they're like, what are your favorite Michael Jackson songs? And she names like the two most well-known Michael Jackson songs and then just stops. Thriller Michael Jackson. That one that goes

Bama-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Is that one of his? I am a soulless ghoulous ghoul, you think I like fucking music? You think I listen? You think water comes through the air into my ears and vibrates in my brain and touches my soul like it does yours?

It's just noise to me, brad. Water? Is that how he thinks music works? I cannot hear anything a human being says or bad. What's your favorite song? Chachee, is that one, I like that one. So, okay. I am a demon, Brett. That's my favorite song.

I like thriller. So she's getting on the plane. She says, this is my last time getting on the plane as a private citizen before I become the first lady again. She's not a private fucking citizen. She goes, well, this is where I wrote my nose. I keep forgetting that, like, she's not actually.

friends with Sarah Huckabee Sanders. And Sarah's not going to show up. You were looking for it the whole time, right? Yes, yes. I just wanted her to pop her head around the corner and be like, what up, what up? She's getting on the plane. Have you seen the grickle crackle what's going on there? Girl, your plane is out of hot towels and I don't want to say why. So she's getting on the plane.

We see Hervey coming in behind her. a comically large amount of shit because she's the fucking worst in every way. She just like watches him likes watching him supper. So then, okay, so then she gets buried once again

to Mara Lago. She says is her happy place? This is where she's like talking about how hard her life has been. Yes. Yeah, yeah. She's like, when I was model, I had to move to Milan. Right.

It was very difficult for me. Feel sorry for me. This is such a weird, like, she's like, oh, I like to come here and to relax. And she's, like, still wearing six-inch heels. I'm like, are those your relaxing pumps? Then? I am model. She says, I have always had very high standards for achievement,

which would make you think I would have achieved something by now. I don't know. I have hat boxes. She says, she intends to break our norms. Norms? Norms? What is this? She was to break the norm.

Oh, break the notrums. And then she norms. Imagine the people who work for her have to do this shit in real time, right? They must have to do a post. They're like, yeah, absolutely. And she walks out, okay, everybody, bye. And they're like, what do you think that was?

I know. I've been carrying a little mini recorder. Let's listen to her on slow-mo. Hey, I think if we just call a timeout, she doesn't know what's happening. And then we can just talk to each other like this. If we hold still, she falls asleep. She falls asleep.

And then we can just talk through the noises. You want to see it? Yeah, what is it? She's asleep in there. You want to see something not cool, though? Check this out. What are you going to do? Yes.

She didn't feel anything. At all. Okay. Nothing. My hand is broken. Is Donald in there? She says at this point, she says, the most important thing for her is to be an inspiring force in the world.

And I'm like, well, then you know what you have to do, Malanya. Right? They would love, they could still love you, Melania. Everybody would love you. We're 180 on Melania, right? We take this episode down. I'll just, one point. You don't have to, ninja.

It just... Okay, yep. So, okay. Sorry, we've got to go through this bit quicker. They're going to kick us out of the theater before we're done. So then, okay, so then she has to meet with the Queen of Jordan, which is weird. This is where we learn that her son, Baron, goes to NYU. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

he can't go to class because people keep showing up to kick his ass so he just sits in his apartment and takes class over Zoom but people keep smashing the camera I've never been prouder of my alma mater

and no one's stopping him the president of our university is like I was really right next to me I'm sorry I love this moment with the Queen of Jordan where Melania's like, yes, I find it very important. I do a lot of very important work. I give scholarship to children.

And then the Queen of Jordan is like, she's like, I give scholarships to orphans. And she's like, oh, fuck, that's even better. The Queen of Jordan starts to talk about her charity work and we, Charlie Brown's parents her. Yes. that we can go back into her dialogue. Yep.

She goes, yes, no, not enough orphans go to college. And I wrote my notes. I'm like, yeah, if only there were some way to diversify and more equitably include people. Yeah, if only we had a department of education in this country. Wouldn't that be great? So then we get Melania and Donald meeting with the executive producer to the president for major events.

I guess this is the guy's title. He's going to tell him about more inauguration stuff. Oh, I love this scene so much. Do you? First, this is with Donald, right? Because he gets so mad. He's so stupid. Okay, so first he asks, it's January 20th, right?

Yes. You did this once already. Yeah. And then... The two-week anniversary plus four years of your thingy. That's fun. And then he gets so mad because there's a sports ball game on it. Yes, the national championship game is...

You think they did that on purpose? His inauguration is at noon. Uh-huh. He's mad that people are going to watch the pre-game seven hours before the game, and that's going to interfere his inauguration. Nobody watches the goddamn inauguration. That's not a television event, right?

Like, nobody watches the fucking inauguration. But he finds out that the championship game is on seven hours afterwards, and he goes, I shit you not. He goes, probably did that on purpose. Mm-hmm. sabotage. No, they rented a goddamn stadium for that.

It was in the fucking Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. Yet that was a decision that was locked in in 2020-2. Hey gentlemen, it's us. The guys who own football teams, famous enemies of Donald Trump. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking everyone in America

loses their fucking minds and he wins again. Yeah. And then what we do is we schedule, I don't know, our 11th, popular event, just seven hours after his inauguration to really stick it on purpose.

And he's like taking it out on this poor guy. Yes. Who's like a public servant. His whole job is, he doesn't want to be doing this job. And he's like, why did they do it? Why didn't the guy's like, I don't know, sir? Donald Trump is, yeah, no, he's like, he's asking a deferring explanation from the guy who's

fucking, the president, the executive producer to the president for major events. The fuck does he know? And Trump goes, well, we've had this date for hundreds and hundreds of years. Like, first of all, it's only been the fucking date since 1933, right? So you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But also, like, in 1985,

the goddamn Super Bowl was on the same day as the inauguration, right? This is not an unusual thing for a big sporting event to happen, because, again, it's not a major television event. Noah's so mad. He was furious. You know what? I'm going to have JD drop the trophy and break it to get back. to get back. They definitely did it on purpose.

I'm going to make them deal with that piece of shit. And then, okay, then we see the dumbest moment from Melania in the entire movie, right? This is where she starts asking for her, like they're talking about the parade that they're going to take afterwards. And so she's asking for security details and the service agent keeps going,

we're on a goddamn camera? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. Could you please shut the fuck up? Where will we get out of the car? Yes. When we get out of the car, how will you make sure

the one is shooting it? us. Okay. Red us the best roof to see us when we get out of the time. Can we stop at book depository right here? What would be the best place to shoot us from? I was thinking Donald maybe wears this hat with a target on it because some fuckwood from Pennsylvania can't just aim for center mass.

You look so handsome, baby. Maybe I noticed your kisses later. Oh, I can't wait. Okay. Can I be honest? that scene and I was like, okay, I remember what happened that that twitchy fuck just barely

I looked at his ear, nothing. There is nothing missing from that year. Oh, yeah, nothing. Okay. Moving on. Moving on. So, okay. So then, okay, there's this moment. Okay. There's this moment now where, like, they're going to,

they're going to politicize the death of some soldiers. Oh, I hate this. Yeah, they go to Arlington for a wreath lane, which, by the, there are fucking laws against doing video at Arlington for partisan purposes. There are actual laws against what they're fucking doing here. But they're going to hijack solemn remembrance for dead service members as a political fuck you to Biden.

These are people who die during the pullout from Afghanistan. And so the only reason I really need to bring it up is because he's going to lay the wreath, right? Donald Trump is, that's the whole point. But it's big and he's old and weak. Wait, let me do it. You be the Marine. You be the Marine.

So the Marines got it, to be clear. So I'm just going to hand this to you. Yeah. And then you got it? I got it. Do you clearly need a whole bunch of help from me right now? Okay. Pivot.

Pivot? My right? My right? No. No. No. No. Okay.

Because we are primarily an audio medium, I will also explain it. I think. We moved so Donald Trump starts to try to move. Let's get Cheney to help. Donald Trump starts to try to move this wreath and clear. Clearly, he can't fucking lift it or whatever. And so this Marine has to hold him and carry it with him. He's like, we're both carrying it, Mr. President.

But he's not, he's hurting the Marine. The Marine is trying, and he's like, I'm pulling. It's the fucking best. Also, think about this, right? These families, and blah, blah, blah, Afghanistan, brother. These families, their kid died, right? And they're there, and they were like high school was hard, so their kid went, and then they came back.

And now their kid died, and they were like, hey, you know how today's the big thing where your son, the hero, we lay him today, Brett Ratner is here with a red camera. And I don't know if you've ever been near a red camera. It's as loud as a car engine, yeah? So they were like, Brett Radner's here.

And while we are celebrating your son's heroism, right? We're going to just be, Brett Ratner's going to be right there going, and then Donald Trump is going to fucking front kick a wreath onto your son's grave and he will remain dead and in hell forever. Jesus. That was like

two ladies' days. Also, there's this great moment, another one of these, why the fuck did they keep it, moments where they zoom in on Melania for the first time in the entire movie she's showing emotion and it's laughing at this fucking horrible goddamn moment of this very solo moment.

Wait, Melania, do you want to laugh? All right. I was remembering a genocide. The screams, I remember, they were like, ooh! All right. Where are we? Oh, the audacity.

This movie, I guess, so much irony. All right, well, I'll tell you what, guys. All times are equally good for breaks when there's no plot or progression whatsoever. So we're going to take one here. But first, let me give back to the hard sell. Will Kara ever ever? forgive us?

Why would she? What could Eli possibly have on her that would be worse than doing this? Find out the answers to questions that nobody could possibly ever give a fuck about instead when we return for the torpid conclusion of Melania.

Butterfinger. You're saying it with a D. It doesn't have a D? No, it doesn't... What? No, it doesn't have a D. It's T. Hey, Sarah. Hey, Malanya. You guys ready for today's shoot? Hells yeah.

What are we shooting? Right, about that. So you know how the movie up to this point has been mostly Melania attending parties and setting up other parties? I love parties. She does. Yeah. Right. So today we're going to be interviewing one of the family members of the hostages from October 7th.

Oh. I am? Yes. Yes, you are. I hate hostages. Oh, yeah. Girl, I would never be caught alive. We need it. Like, where's your sense of pride?

Okay. Gross. Right. So, let's just, so right now, none of that. Right. We're sympathetic. We're understanding. Right. Oh, that's the thing with the shot, right? Because don't know any that one. No, that's syphilis. Just, I just try to be nice. Nice. Totally got it. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. And you guys do know what happened on October 7th, right? St. Christmas. Halloween party? You know what? I think we can push this. back a few days. Whatever you say, bother fingers. You got it, bud.

High five. Oh, my arm broke. Moby. Sorry. We are back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action at the first of four

inaugural events. This would be a candlelight bribe dinner. It's one of these, I don't know if you have one of these fancy dinners where everybody is way too close. together to be comfortable because it's a really expensive dinner and they wanted to get as many people

in as possible. Now this is a dinner that was for donors. Some people paid as much as half a million dollars to be at this dinner. And it's just, it's like a direct bribe. I mean, it was to the president's whatever campaign committee or something.

Fucking campaign was over when they made these donations. So anyway, that's what we're watching now. Trump and Melania make their appearance. There's this great moment. He's like he starts Trump starts to talk, Trump starts to talk, but he's so inarticulate and boring that all we hear in the movie is him go,

I'd like to thank my wife, Melania. And then we're done. We got it. He said other stuff too, but don't worry about it. Yeah, right. And we're supposed to get this beautiful montage of the celebrities who were there. We get Elon in a fucking

case state just yep. Hey, guys, wow are all the candles in this room singing. We get a... Because look, there are evil people in the Trump administration, obviously.

Elon Musk, Malanya, Robert Jeffreys, who's in this one, right? None of those people are in his administration. By the way. Nope. They're in it. But we also get fucking miserable Jeff Bezos in his monotage.

Because he fucking kissed the ring, but he didn't sign up for fucking dinner. So now he's just sitting there being like, I paid $40 fucking million for your wife's stupid movie. I shouldn't have to do this, too. Yeah, but then they run out... Too many people peeing. Then they run out Robert Jeffers out to give a blessing.

You know, for those of you who don't remember this guy, because there's so many assholes that we talk about. This guy is a piece of shit in every way he can be. He's a homophobic, COVID-denialist, Johnson Amendment violating transphobic, Islamophobic, sex abuse-enabling, peace of Trump loving. shit. But he's also like

gay. Yes. Yes. Right? That's not just a Dallas accent. No, it's not. No, it isn't. That's Dallas the like soap opera accent. Yeah. Yeah. Hey Jesus, if you wouldn't mind

listen up for a second, honey. Put down that copy of People Magazine because I got something to tell you about what we're doing down here on. Also, I want to point out there's this moment where they show a pianist played at this event. And then we only see her from the side because she kind of looks like Melania. Yeah. They obscure her face so that somebody watching the movie was like,

can she play the fucking piano? Just cut to Melania transcribing it on the stuff. I'm fluent in musica. No, it's like in caveman's Valentine. So, yeah, so, but we see that party. And then Trump and Melania leave early from the event. People paid half a million.

million dollars to attend with them. I liked watching them walk on stairs because Melania is so much better than Donald's stairs. And they do it a good amount in this movie. In this moment, you can see Donald, because you've got to be right next to her, because they're leaving together, and he's like, right foot, left foot, right foot.

He's so focused in. Don't fall down and make everybody happy. Don't fall down and make everybody happy. So now I'm wondering, how does Brett Ratner feel about these people? Oh, interesting. Because in this scene, when they're leaving the party, there's like wind blowing. And I think maybe they're playing

the Sproxerathustra. It's like the Imperial Mart. No, no, they're not. They're playing this like super evil music. And yeah, it's, yeah, comical. Does he know, you know? So now it's, so they leave this thing. Now it's, we open up on the day of the inauguration.

We have this very thin line of Trump supporters lining up. It was like freezing fucking cold that day, but it's such a thin, sad line. It's a, guys, we should really spread out to try to look like more people, level of people that are there. Hand to hand. And this is what we see her putting on her ridiculous Kung Lao hat, right? Oh, and they are, they're playing Mozart in this scene, which is weird.

It's like the, do you remember in Amadeus when, like, Salieri's getting pissed? And Mozart's like manic. Yeah. Yeah. There were originally a bunch of shots of Jill Biden just... So odd. And they do like a weird, like, close-up of a trash truck.

Do you remember that in the middle of this scene? Yeah. Just like they show a guy taking out the trash. There's an... Oh, because of Biden. Yep, yep. And so there's this great moment, too, where like... Hmm.

She's... If the Buffalo Bill is... had just sold him that fucking team in 1983. We wouldn't be talking about this. Matthew Perry would be alive. If his father had Fred Trump hugged him. There's one time. So this is a great moment where she's being dressed

by the five or six people who dress her. And she's got her little stupid hat on. And at one point she barks at one of them. She goes, don't trust this! And I'm like, why would you keep that in your fucking movie? Yeah. She slaps the hand of her house gay. Yeah.

It's awful. Don't touch me. She's gonna fuck with the Carmen San Diego has. They'll never do it again, mistress. Oh, is this the weird scene too where they're with the White House staff? Like the full White House staff? The Blair House staff. Oh, the Blair House staff.

Which is, you know, it's colorful. It's like the most people of color they've ever been around. Oh, yeah. And it's so hard to see all of the black folks that, like, work on the staff, like, forcing smiles in the photograph with them. Not all of them. No. There's a lady right here

who's just like, fucking fire me. Do it. Kill me. Shoot me right in the fucking face. You are getting no expressions from me. He brags about how good he tips at the Blair house.

And then Melania tells us for a little while about how awesome her kid is. She tells us how great baron is. She says, you know, he had to learn all about integrity at an early age. By watching his dad violated, he would have to say, he's done another thing that's immoral now. She says she's confident in his values, and I'm like, yeah, but you can sleep at night

knowing that you have access to Trump's food and you don't do anything with that access. I don't know if I believe you. They have the weird Biden photo op where the Bidens are leaving as the Trumps are coming. in and that's fucking sad. Dude, it's great because Jill fucking hates it

and Joe has no idea what's going on. He's just like playing with a ball of string. Jill is like, this is the death of America. You could see that. It's the seething anger and Joe's like, who's this guy? I like him, the little one. Is that?

Who's that? Is that Kamala? There's also... I love you. There's also this great moment. where, and I know that they think, hey, Joe. I retire or whatever, I give up, I win. Way too late, man. What?

So there's a push-up contest. There's this moment. Just leave him on the floor. It's so fucking funny, because I, like, I had this whole big. Eli's hurt, I can't see him, but he's hurting himself so bad right now. No, he's not. He's falling asleep. He's doing the bit? He's not going to.

Is he committing to it? Guys, you would be amazed how much time I spent during the interview. mission explaining that we really have to hurry through this last bit. Did I win? So there's this moment where this, I'm sure that Brett Ratner thought they were keeping in this hyperbolic moment, right? Because as they're having their little photo op where the Bidens are leaving and the Trumps are taking over, a reporter yells out, will America survive the next president?

And like, again, like Brett Ratner's like, oh, look at this silly shit. but of course, you know, six months after they film that, you're like, oh, that's a good fucking question right there. Okay, so then we cut to the inauguration itself. They introduced all the surviving ex-presidents. This is where we learned that, if we didn't already know, that Michelle did not come. Okay, I love that.

I fucking, yes. Michelle Obama absolutely not going. Hun, please. They're all going to, please. Nope. Absolutely not. It's going to be so quick, I promise. You're just walking in by yourself.

Yep. You could just not go also. George W. is there, and he's so excited to be on TV again. Hey, hey. And the Clints are pretending not the worst president. Yeah, right, right, yeah. Yeah. Who would you suck out of the tip of a homeless man's dick

to be president again? I started a relatively successful regime. I conquered you something. I don't even have the worst unnecessary war against a country that starts with IRA anymore. Wow. This is fucking great. Now watch this drive.

Guys, that fucking rocked so awkward. And it sucks a good drive. It was a really good drive. That kills me. I hate that it's a good drive. This is a weird scene because they, They open all the people at the inauguration. Like, the device they use is us watching her watch them on TV.

And I think this is why. Okay. Because we're watching her watch them. We're getting some of the backstory. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. And then you hear the reporter say, and let's not forget that young Melania at the tender age of 53 was recently orphaned. Yes.

And so you get to feel sorry for her one more time. Well, and we also get to hear the newscasters going, wow, and Baron is so very tall. The kid is. The kid is. Like, the kid's six foot nine. That's really fucking tall. Six nine. There he is.

Oh, wait. This is the part where he comes on stage, right? Where he's like, they're at the inauguration, and Barron comes in, and they've, like, they've added a bunch of applause to make it seem like the crowd went wild for him as he comes in. Oh, he does. like three choreographed hand motions.

He tries to do a little crowd work. That's the bet. He clearly thought of it ahead of time. Oh, you're doing the fist? Cool. Yeah. Oh, you did the here. There it is.

Buddy, you got to do one more. Do the finger gun? No. Listeners at home. Eli's doing that thing. Brett Ratner got in all that trouble for. Buddy, what did we talk about? I'm so sorry, Olivia, bud.

It's right. It's right. Get their hands. Yes. There you go. There you go. Fuck. So.

High five. She goes, at this point, Melania says in the voiceover, she goes, you know, never take your rights for granted. And I'm like, as your husband's taking office, that's actually the only time you've given good advice. Okay. If Michelle Obama had showed up and done a Melania speech word for word. Oh, I like it. With the voice. With the voice.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I was her vocal coach for months. We had our own little The King speech. So, fucking, Biden and Kamala come in. They look pissed to be there. Kamala looks at her watch. She does.

She's like, okay, my Uber is here, he's waiting five minutes. All right. How awesome would it have been if the movie had cut over to the Ohio Notre Dame game at this point? It's been so good. Did you guys notice, too,

when Trump comes out, there are these two people in front of him, right? And I had to Google who these two people were, because I was like, I've never seen these people. And they are the official inaugural ceremony escorts. And the woman is looking very of Donald. She has deep handmaid's tale vibes. Yeah, sure, sure.

It's deep. It's not good. Gilead is upon us. Yeah. His dad is Fred. Yeah. Of Fred. Yeah.

So then... She seems ready to tackle an assailant. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, okay. So then he starts giving his inaugural address. And I'm like, oh, please, God, no. Oh, dear God, no.

I check the runtime. And I'm like, okay, there's not enough time left in the movie for him to do the whole fucking speech tonight. So he starts giving his speech. I almost wrote him down on my nose because the first five sentences of the speech are all at this point demonstrably incorrect, right? He's like, because he's talking about how he's not going to start any wars.

He's talking about how he's going to lower prices. you know, just like five things in a row that are all completely entirely wrong. And then we have this fucking flashback moment, right? Where we're going to flashback to him practicing his speech. This is so insane. Just so that we can see the moment

where Melania came up with a line that he ended up using. I was so happy. I'm proud of her in this moment. So he's practicing. She clearly came up with a note to give Donald and was going to force it into the speech and she brought her camera crew with her.

So she, like, thought of one dumb note. She's like, I'll say, and unifier. She brings Ratner and the camera crew in to be like, and Unifier, and he's like, don't, are you? No notes from Normie's, huh? Exactly. And was that the note was the and Unifier part? Yes, that was hers.

And then they show the real speech, and he says, and Unifier, and you watch Melania, like, how to succeed in business, be like, like Jim checking in with the camera. So good. It's amazing too because when she like suggests the line, he has to stop himself from going hey, fuck you shut the fuck off

because he realizes the camera's on. Also, it's such a weird scene because he's saying something about himself being a peacemaker and unifier. And they joke in front of the camera, peacemaker. That sounds better than warmonger, doesn't it? Remember, he goes, I don't like the word monger.

Yes. Monger was the problem for you. You don't want monger in there? You used to be able to say that, but they don't let you in it. They left it in the movie. Excursion monger? So then we... So then we see that Clinton's pretending not to hate W for a minute.

Melania tries to inject wisdom. But again, she's never had an actual thought in the... At this moment, she's like, you know, being part of such a historic moment makes you really reflect on history. Shit, shit. Come back to me. She's just ad-libbing haikus at this point for her natural. The refrigerator magnet.

Yes, that's what this is. Right. And she can't count to five or seven. So like, that shit's not working out. So, yeah, so she's like, we have the moment where the Bidens go to their helicopter and leave. And Biden looks like he's waiting in line for a roller coaster. Okay. Okay, he didn't know what to do and they had to tell him.

They were like, oh, Joe, you look. This one's mine? Yep. Okay, yeah. Get in here, big body. You look confused. No. Stop.

No. Stop what you're doing. Am I the president? What you're going to do. Technically, a little bit. Your come on. What you're going to have to do. Come on over here.

Oh, my God. Give me a hug. So. Push up Gandhi. If you had just died two years ago. So there we go. I think I would have won. Okay.

So poor listeners at home. So, okay. So then she talks about how they couldn't have a parade that day after all because hell froze over. Mm-hmm. And she's like, you know, actually, I am glad we are not having a parade because I am afraid of Americans. I get it. I get it. Oh, and this is the moment, actually, where they have the cheering for Baron. I'm sorry, I got ahead of us on that.

That was this, the parade-less parade moment. I don't think anybody would have noticed that, Noah. But Noah would have noticed. It's about integrity. She goes, no, I wanted to bring this up, because I wanted to bring this moment up where she goes, Baron is very confident. And, like, look, every shot, like, we're making a lot of jokes about the case, but every shot of this timid-ass kid makes it absolutely clear

what bullshit that is, right? She's like, he's so confident, and you cut to him. Every shot of Barron looks like he's being led out of the pool that is closed for the rest of the day. Hey, buddy. I guess nobody's swimming anymore, huh? Just shit in there? They got to get special chemicals from the city.

or a lady might have a baby. This is... I think Eli's doing method acting right now. Okay. I'm just going to face this side of the audience for a while. It's very funny. Just angle out. Everybody angle out or we'll never stop.

All right. Look away. Okay. So... Okay. So now, after a long day of sitting quiet, Melania finally gets back to the White House. The song that they're playing as they fucking pull up to the White House is

this is a man's world. Yeah, yeah, right, because he beat a lady. Although I will say, though, when you got Trump on screen, that whole line about a woman or a girl takes on a whole new meaning. Yeah, right? Yep. In a Brett Ratner movie. Yeah, exactly.

We just saw Howard Lutnik a second ago. Yeah. It's not a lot of good stuff going on. But the White House, sorry, they assure us the White House staff really missed him. Barron immediately goes to, like, play Call of Duty. He just needs him. They walk into the way, so he's like, all right, bye, go. I want to play.

Yeah. I'm going to go to college in my room, like normal. Also, isn't he like 20 years old? Yeah. Yep, he's 20. Get your own place, Barron. Right? Well, he can't stay at college.

He can't stay on campus. He doesn't. Tell me they'll murder me. They said it probably won't make my dad sad, but it might, so. So also, I want to point out that there is audio playing, Esther walking through the White House, there's audio playing on the speakers of somebody talking about how great Trump is. Like there's some right-wing podcast about how awesome he is,

being pumped through the goddamn house he lives in. Fucking narcissist. Okay, so now she's finally in the zigzag dress, and it's time to head out for the inaugural balls. There are three. We have to watch multiple balls. Multiple balls. And not two either, three.

She says exact words, time for the inaugural balls. Does she not? Yep. Well, I wouldn't say the exact words. Those are the words she's going for. Time for the honorable balls. Yeah, that's it. That's what she says exactly, yeah.

So there's also, they're getting in the car together, and there's just this fucking moment where he starts to walk around the car to, like, let her in the car on this side. But he gets halfway around, and he's like, you get it. And then he turns Such a fucking trick. I opened the door for her, whatever the fuck. So then we arrive at the

first of the ball, which is a military ball. We get a rousing rendition of the star-spangled banner. And then we watch these two dance. They dance the way I imagine Donald James Parker and I would dance if it was the only way to cure a worldwide pandemic. Did it do it?

Are they better? Oh, God, it's like eighth graders that really don't want to be there. It's so hilarious. There's several times where he goes in for a kiss and she dodges. But this is the fucking, like she just basically runs up a wall at this point and comes back down.

If she's listening, she's going to do that cone idea you were talking about. Really? Like they're dancing, they're upright, but there's like a lean, and it's because he's leaning in and he's leaning away. And so they're like, it's like a solid 15 degree angle. I got to have surgery until I don't have a sense of smell. And in the very next scene, she's back with her gaze. She just, high tails is out of there as soon as she can.

Absolutely. He hangs out with her gaze the whole movie. Then we get, we have, they go to the second ball, which is called the Starlight Ball. And this is where Melania starts dancing. to YMCA. Okay. Does she know?

She just, she just goes like this. The YMCA thing, she goes up and she goes. I think, I don't think she knows that those are letters. Yeah, she doesn't know their letters. She doesn't know their letters. She 100% does not know the gestures. She thinks people are just doing arm motions. She's like, I love it.

Yes, let's all do it together. Guy, Jams today. And you watch, she does it to the security guy and he's like, He's like, is that the Cyrillic alphabet that you're doing? Think about how... She's just writing down YMCA and Cyrillic on a piece. So, okay, they dance again. We get a montage of them, like, talking to people at the ball.

And over and over again in these shots, Donald Trump is, like, not making room for her in the conversational circle, so she's just sort of standing behind him going like this. You know, I also am here. You know, that's too. But also, he's walking too fast for her to keep up within her heels. She looks so fucking pissed. I can't tell if that's just the shape of her face or if she's actually pissed.

But then, after a busy day of going to an Argyro Balls, they get back to the White House. It's 2 a.m. Her husband has to get to work, ruining the world. She explains that this day was, quote, reach with meaning. Reach with meaning. She says, being awake for 22 hours straight felt like nothing. is because of the infusion

we get the baron's blood every morning. Can I keep my blood tomorrow? I want to go swimming. Soon we will harvest his organs and the transformation will be complete. Oh, God. There's a moment here where Trump is checking to see if she wants anything from the kitchen.

And I'm like, oh, my fucking God, even home movies would know we don't give a shit about that. And it's sad, too. It's not even her saying, yes, she's like, I don't eat. And he's like, you know this. I got Diet Coke's. Oh, that's my adorable thing. Everybody loves my Diet Coke.

It's like Reagan with jelly beans? No. No, I yell at everyone for Diet Coke. So, Brett. From off camera, that person who's desperately trying to humanize him says to Trump, he's like, you know, what does it feel like to be president again? Which is the dumbest fucking possible question, right? But Trump is very clearly like, yeah, no, that means way more to me than my family.

My children. This bitch over here. Barron's mostly a blood bag for Malaya. Have you seen Fury Road? She puts him on the front of her car. Witness me, right? This is Baron on the front of her car. Like, that's a weird in my eyes.

Of how sad this all is as they're walking out. Trump's like, yeah, it's a great, the White House. Look, that's a Monet. And you're like, it is a fucking Monet. God damn it. I said out loud, don't touch it. You could also tell he didn't know what it was. He walked up to it and he was like this beautiful Claude Monet.

It's a monnet. It's a monnet. This was made by that AI thing that. everyone's talking about. Claude made this one. That's nice. Good for them. So, then we say, okay, so now's the next day. We see him heading to work.

She goes, children will remain the priority for me. And I'm like, yeah, well, not the Mexican ones, but, or the Iranian schoolgirls. But other than that, some children. Priority target. God. I didn't kill them. You're the ones who support the troops.

I did a whole bit about them being dead, and you guys got really quiet. which means you're okay with the stuff today. I'm okay when they die, which means I'm for the kids. You have to choose my side with the dead soldiers or the little girl's side with the alive ones. Works at all. So then she explains to us that she will always move forward

with purpose and style. And then we get a photo shoot of her in her office quick before Trump demolishes it illegally. And that's like, it's like very clearly what she thinks the job is. She's like, I have First Lady now shoot to me. Yeah, it's like an onion parody of a Newsweek cover. Yeah, right. Right. It's ridiculous. There's like a guy there like making sure that the proper amount of her cleavage is showing and everything.

It's like, man, this is the fucking First Lady. Jill Biden did the same thing. You guys remember that, right? You remember the photo shoot of her half-open blouse? that she did when she entered the White House. You all remember that? She didn't know any better because she is not model. Not that model.

No, no. A model. They have, they list Malanya as first lady through 2029, and I'm like, well, that's ambitious. I'm a little overconfident there. I thought the opposite. Scary. Yeah, right, right. So, and then they end the movie with this, like, what's supposed to be a list of her accomplishments.

Right, right. Exactly. Exactly. Because she's not done a fucking thing. I shit you not. The words like played a role in and shaped core elements of are listed throughout that fucking... Own shoes. The second to last credit is she was too stupid and lazy to read her own audiobook. So they faked an AI voice of her. And when they got caught, they were like, this is an AI initiative.

Yes. And by the way, the voice. slightly more offensive than my impersonation of her. Okay, the last words that show up on the screen before the credits, it says, Melania Trump's commitment to serving the American people and support, she's, you're talking about,

you know, they're bragging about, quote, Malanya Trump's commitment to serving the American people and supporting global causes is unwavering. Causes, just in general. She's a big cause person. Jesus fucking Christ. So, okay, so hey. Cause. Cause.

Those are the yes and. I really appreciate the yes and on that. So, okay, so that's the fucking movie. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And we made it.

We can start burning the memory of it out of our brains through years of therapy. Kara, thank you so much. Yep. I also, I need to offer a huge thanks. To everybody at the venue, this is way too nice to theater for us. Such an awesome place. Everybody has been fantastic. I also have to give a huge thanks to Tim Robertson, who's around here somewhere.

He set everything up here. Big round of applause for Tim. I also need a big round of applause for also putting in a ton of work here is the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusians. A ton of behind the scenes work that she's been doing for us all night. One more time, of course, for Anna Bosnick, who's been keeping you entertained in the interstitials. But of course, the big. biggest thanks that I have to give, of course, is to San Francisco for such a wonderful weekend.

Thank you, San Francisco. And on that note, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. The Senate held a hearing about a UFO near the White House. Turned out it was just a video of Melania wearing the hat walking around a little bit. Easy mistake. Melania would later ingest cyanide in the furor bunker. and her body would be doused in gasoline and burned in the garden. Oh, what that was Ava Braun.

I keep getting them confused. Yeah, no, I know, I get it, I get it, I get it. We're manifesting. Oh, if you want to manifest, I got one for you. Donald Trump would go on to die. Thank you, San Francisco! This rules. Somebody brought me cheese.

That's what I... I'm enjoying this event, but really what I'm focused on is this. This does not rule. Thank you. Not enough cheese. Oh, it's the white cheddar baby bells, too. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I like those.

Yeah, get in there. Quick before Heath eats all of them. I will buzz saw through these so fast. Later. Cheese. All right, here we go. Here we go. Now, I will say, guys, we're going to have to go through this one real quick.

So if you watch the movie along with me, don't be surprised if I skip a few scenes here and there. none of them matter to the plot, so we should be fine. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-24945, or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC

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