God Awful Movies - 554: The Keys of the Kingdom

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

This week, Vin from the Black Nerd Culture podcast joins us to break down a movie that is almost unbelievably bad. It's called "The Keys of the Kingdom," and if you read that and assume that I mistyped "The Keys to the Kingdom," you're just getting your first taste of this filmmaker's attention to detail.---Check out more from Vin at these links:https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2497976.rsshttps://blacknerdculturecast.buzzsprout.com/---If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

I want to take a moment to apologize to my personal demon. That was, I'm assuming it was a random assignment and that sucks for you. Yeah. Just the amount of times you've had to write and then he jerked off to. Fuck my personal devil because I've talked to myself about selling my soul multiple times. That bitch never showed up and I want my fucking superpowers, asshole. You got to shine up the show. You got to make it sellable then.

I'm not even good at guitar. So yeah. Maybe your soul's as good as your soul's as your. Mike. What do you like? God-awful movie. Welcome back to the gamcast

for each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because Heath and Eli think that you'll get mad if we switch to video game history at this point. I'm your host, No Illusions. Heath is off this week, but sitting none under most of my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

No, I like the video game history. I just want you to do all the work and for me to get a third of the month. Oh, okay. All right. Dude, I'm all for the video game history. When's that podcast start? Thank you.

As soon as we add hours to the day. And that voice you just heard, that is a brand new guest masochist. Vin is the co-host of the Black Nerd Culture Podcast, aka the BNC, a podcast where three brothers have deep conversations about media through the lens of black nerddom. And yes, listener, when I asked for his intro, Vin provided those words along with the note that was okay for me to go hard ER on brothers. So, Vin, welcome to the show. Thank you so much.

for having me. I'm a huge fan of you guys, and it's great to be on. Can I just take a moment to address my fellow black people real quick? You may, Vin. Awesome. You know, they always say no to me when I try and do this at the beginning of the show, but Vin, this is your time. Hey, maybe he has something to say this wise. I don't know. Anyway, just real quick. I don't, Finn. That's true. So, black folks, you know, the three of you guys listening to this podcast, share this with your religious people because I know there's more religious people than there are, you know, atheists. Is your unc, Ben, and, um, I know we love remix and shit. You know, Jermaine Dupree, Dr. Bray. I'm all for that shit. But, um, we don't need to remix our captors fucking religion.

Leave that shit the fuck alone. Don't add shit. We don't need to add ourselves to it. We already gave them amazing fucking music. They had other shit. That shit sucked. We gave The shit was fucking ass And we fucking did better than them Stop giving them shit Don't do it anymore Right

We're done Yeah What listen there's so many other people To fucking worship Osiris It's a fucking badass He got cut up in the fucking pieces His dick is gone

Okay Dick is gone Why not worship that fucking guy Fucking shit? There you go And I don't know If you've checked out This filmmaker's Instagram

But he's trying to give them Polyygamy right now So, you know, you got to be careful. I was going to send you guys a link. And he's on the, he has itself in a chat, GPT video of him on the red carpet at the Oscars. At the Oscars. Interviewed. And we're going to have some fun with this guy here.

Oh, my God. All right. So let's get the listeners all queued in first. So tell us, Ben, what will we be breaking down today? Well, we watched the Keys of the Kingdom. It's the story of what happens when you try to incorporate a bunch of bullshit into an already bullshit religion and black Jesus and superheroes and heavy fucking quotes here.

Nobody wins the movie, Noah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love that friend from high school whose Instagram alternates between chat GPT written rants about how they've changed the game and warnings to watch this space, but... Fuck does that even mean. You wish the space in question was a 2,000-year-old religion.

You will love this movie. It's SoundCloud Bible author. It's SoundCloud Prophet. Oh, my God. Perfect. SoundCloud, fucking Prophet. Have you heard of the music? Don't... Yes. Don't. Oh, my God.

Oh, he's also a musician. Okay. Let me say something from my heart. Let me say something from my heart. I'm going to say something brave. Please. I am a better rapper than my... I will 100% co-sign that. I've never heard Durette before.

I co-sign that, Eli. All right, is there anything we want to nominate this one for me? I mean, genuinely everything, right? Because this was like one of the most, like, it was the worst thing we ever watched and it was the most fun I ever had watching something. So, like, other than everything, is there anything that you want to nominate this one

for being the best of being the worst at? Real quick, you had fun. You're a crazy motherfucker. Oh, my God. I enjoyed every second. Every frame of this thing was a fucking, masterpiece, dude. Oh, you'll see how I struggled.

I want to jump in with Best Worst Angel Wings, because what the fuck was that? Yes. The tiniest fucking Amazon fucking angel wings, you could have it's, oh, we'll get. That is someone's daughter's ballet, recital, recycled 100%.

It's incredible. And of course, I'm going to go with, we have to warn you about this ahead of time. I'm going to go with Best Worst sudden change of media. Incredible. About halfway through the making this film, somebody told theuteur Michael Cleos about character creator

and he's like, wow, that's way easier. And so halfway through the movie, it just becomes this cheap like sub-South Park animation for the rest of the movie. That's what the fuck he used? I'm not sure. Oh my fucking God. I mean, it's possible, dude.

And it's very clearly the trial version too because you can see like, oh, this is not, this is not someone subscribe to Adobe Creative Cloud. This is someone who was operating this within a web browser at the library. Yeah, he definitely was

sneaking into the fucking library. And the library is probably known by name by now at this point. Yeah, right. He's going to go to one, two-towns, though. Michael. Don't ask him if he wraps. And I'm going to go with best, worst, devil plan. Okay. So at one point, one of the main characters will be

trapped inside the devil. mind. We'll talk about that forever. But the devil's plan for her is that she's a barista. Yeah. Forever. Okay. Forever. For eternity. I have a lot of questions. We'll get to them when we get to it. You sure the fuck will. I thought you were going to go someplace different with that

because there's like three or four things the devil wants to do in this fucking movie. And I'm like, what the f? So he wants to kick the daughter's blood. Why does he need her DNA? Yeah, DNA. The ones to start the fucking cataclysm or whatever. Like, there's so much. Yeah, it never makes any fucking sense. I like the fucking, the bad guys from Resident Evil are like, this is convoluted, man.

I do not understand what you're going for here. It's a lot. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we have a new contender for worst made film we've ever watched that wasn't just static fish the whole time. So we're going to be back after a quick break with all the baffling half assery. is the Keys of the Kingdom. Hi, I'm No Illusions. And I'm Michael Cleos, aka Cleesey, here to talk to you about aura frames.

That's right, Michael Cleos, aka Cleesey. With an aura frame, you can capture and relive mom's magic every day. Or you can capture the magic of Michael Cleoos. I'm sorry, wait, does your aura frame just have a bunch of pictures of you on it? Pictures, videos, whatever I want. no illusions because Aura Frames have unlimited storage. Right. Well, yeah, Aura Frames make great gifts. You can set it up while it's still in the box, and all Mom has to do is plug it in.

Plug it in to be greeted by photo after photo of music and media visionary. Michael Cleos. Sure. Yeah. Name number one by Wirecutter. You can save on gifts mom really wants by visiting AuraFrams.com. For a limited time, listeners can get $25 off their best-selling car. Harvard Map Frames with the code awful.

That's A-U-R-A-Frams.com promo code awful. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and Conditions Apply. ORAFrams by Michael Cleos. No. No, you didn't invent ORA Frames. Yeah, I think I did. He didn't, listen to.

Don't fucking Google it. Don't Google it. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first writer's room meeting of the keys. of the kingdom. I'm sorry, isn't it the keys to the kingdom? No, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure the expression is keys to the kingdom. Anyway, so this movie is about the devil trying to take over a young girl's soul and mine through his deception matrix. Right, obviously, yeah. But luckily, two angels are sent by Ruaq, the Holy Spirit to save her. Oh, like Michael and Gabriel?

No. Oh, what are their names? Okay, so the first one is called Michael Cleos. He's a young upstart who doesn't he... Sorry, Michael? Yeah. Your name is Michael Cleos. Yeah.

So the angel in the movie is named after you? And... Okay, so I'm Googling it, and there's actually a bunch of Christian movies with this name, so retracted. Yes. Apology accepted. Still feels wrong, though. It does. You're not wrong.

And we're back for the breakdown. And for the first time I think in Gam history, we're going to open up on AI Slop. I guess get used to this, huh? Only because we haven't yet tackled Ashley Wright's. horse movies, Noah, so look forward to Ashley Wright's horse movies. There's Ashley Wright. Oh, yeah, you guys did talk about that shit. Yeah, yeah. Five seconds at a time. Oh, my God. No pro trials for her. So, okay, so this is how

bad this opening image is, right? So we've got the narrator cuts in and he's talking about how humans aren't meant for the rat race or whatever. And the image that we're seeing, I described in my notes as, an image stands before other images. the fuck were we looking at? There was red in it, I guess. Michael, I know you're listening to this. First of all, hi, member of Synagogue of Satan here, we'll get to it.

Yeah, yeah. Big fan. Can't wait for that. Big fan, pretty sure the reverse isn't true. Michael, I know that times are tough because you are using the free version of character animator. I will pay good money for the chat GPT prompts that created those images. Yeah. And so will the psychologist at the eventual facility where you go inpatient.

So you know, that's a nice thing you should do like blood type and, you know, whether you have any weapons and the GPD prompts you used for the opening images of this film. I just like the fact that he blames like the way the world is on Satan instead of, you know, capitalism, which is right there. It's always right there. Nope. They never say it. They never fucking blame it. It was the devil. Yep.

The devil did it. The devil made us have to go to work every fucking day. Humans weren't meant to work in mergers and acquisitions and all that. There's a point here as he's doing this where he reuses the opening AI image. And I'm like, motherfucker, that's free. Right? You ran out of free images. You lazy.

And water? The thing about this movie is as we go on through it, you're going to underestimate how bad it is. If you've listened to it and you haven't watched it because we're going to say shit like and then the truck floats up. And then we're going to say, the robot chases the flies past the demon and you're like, well, how could a movie that has a fucking, all this shit in it be as bad as they're saying, right? This movie is like a uniquely, like I've never seen something that is simultaneously so lazy and so ambitious. Yeah, it's the Wittgenstein's bug thought experiment of action movies.

Okay. No, all things action movie are this thing in my hand, but I, the word I have for it is Michael Cleo. There's three word nerds who fucking loved that joke. Right. Like, no say, it sounds cool. Yes, if we're going to make it, we can't help him make this sound cool, yes. Yeah, it sounds cool.

In the last episode far, I was talking about how cool it fucking sounded. Even Eli was like, oh, it's a superhero movie. It's like, okay, superhero movie. All lies. Everything is a fucking lie. It's impossibly bad. Yeah. There's also a point here where the narrator,

is doing his whole thing about how we can break free of the fucking Satan's matrix or whatever. And he says, but you have to do it by the sweat of your forehead. And I'm like, yes, always avoid cliches. Well done, Michael. Yeah, well done. Exactly. We also get a flash of Michael Cleos's Black Jesus here. Yes.

I think it's important that we represent Jesus as the Middle Eastern dark-skinned person he was. But that is definitely not what this chat, GPD image is. is this is an R&B singer who sleeps with your wife six or seven times right before the divorce. He's hot. Like, he's hot, but the thing is absolutely, absolutely as a black man, Jesus wasn't fucking black.

He wasn't white, but he also wasn't fucking black. Stop it. We got to stop that shit. It's just like the Dragon Balls debate with Pickle, Pickle is not fucking black, okay? Fuck. Not everybody marginalized fucking black.

Stop it. Tackling the important. important questions here on God-awful movies. So, okay. I'm with you. So we see Black Jesus, and he looks also like a Funko Pop kind of, right? Like a sweaty Funko Pop Black Jesus. And then we zoom in on Jerusalem rendered.

And if you've ever played the game Tunic, like the graphics from Tunic, I don't know what this was. Yeah. This is Jerusalem at 70 AD. I had PS1 graphics for this. Sure. Yeah. Okay, and we could just go back real, real quick, because he makes a point. point about how Adam, God gave

fucking Adam domain over the land, but then the tree gives fucking God dominion over earth. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? None of that makes sense. Yeah, when they ate the apples, God had no choice but to deed earthed over to Satan

and I'm saying, yeah, I didn't know we were going to get into like Babylonian fucking real estate property there. Yeah, what the fuck is this? I was like, what the fuck? And who's making these rules that God has to follow? I don't, yeah. What's amazing is whenever Michael Cleos tries to tell you a stereotypical old story of the Bible, he has it wrong in a way that if you were in conversation, you would go, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

tell me everything you know about the world. Up starting, just everything you think to know, I want to know what you think. We're all atheists here and we understand that better than that. Yeah, no, so the first thing that we see, the first time we see an actual human being in this movie, This is John the Revelator and he's running away from us when we see him. And the first thing I wrote my notes when we saw this is like, okay, listeners, I have spent a dozen years trying to explain how bad movies are to you and this will be the time that I fail, right? This is the time where I will not be able to get it across. This genuinely looks like something that this guy put together for his daughter quick before she got home from school.

Yeah. Right, the whole thing. Every single scene feels like. Yeah, absolutely. It looks like he's standing in front of the time crisis machine at a local arcade. Yes. Perfect. That.

Perfect. Like running in place. Yeah. Oh, you're right. We are in a time crisis. Fucking virtual cop ass fucking. I have a feeling we're going to head over there to the house of the dead any minute now. That's how you want.

Oh, my God. So here's how cheap this shit is. At one point, like, so this character is being chased by blurs. I don't know. the fuck this was supposed to be. But he's, he prays to God for some intervention and God intervenes with a thunder clap.

And the thunder clap was cheap. Yep. Right? This movie just couldn't afford the rights to the set. Like thunder came down until like, actually I talked to my lawyer.

You actually can't use me. I can't give you. We can give you thunder. Clap did not show up to set that. Their thunder showed up drunk or something. Yeah. Exactly. One quick thing.

So since powers are a thing in this fucking movie. Yes. And so right before the Thunder Club, John, Matrix, heavy quotes on this, Matrix dodges fucking lightning bolt. And then X-Ga-Mupper out, motherfucker. The fuck you need God's help for. Right. Right.

So we see these three centurions, these three Roman centurians that are like bearing down on them. They're standing completely still, but bearing down. on him. And then we get our, the screen blacks out, we get our cheap thunder clap. The screen comes back up and their heads all explode. And we all just went, oh, give me more of this. Less than a minute into this 59 and minute and 59 second long movie. And I was like, I love this.

Yeah. Oh, fuck yes. This head's exploding. Fuck yes. We have lightning dodging, AI slop and heads exploding. in the opening minute of this film. Oh, so good. And then we get the title.

What's the title? What's the title? Noah. Let me give it to you in all your glory. Hey, what's the title real quick? What's the title? The title of the film is The Keys of the Kingdom, a Michael Cleos banger.

A Michael Cleos banger. I was done. And you know what? It is. Kanye West turned off the movie at this point, And he was like, if you're not going to take yourself serious and I'm not tuned in. I'm going to go start

another middle school. It's a bastardization of course of Spike Lee's you know, Spike Lee joined. Michael Cleo's fucking banger. I wanted to fucking find him and kick him in his forehead for it. You just wanted the biggest possible target? We get our T.

Absolutely. So that we get our title and that we place ourselves right. It says cave, island of Patmos. And I'm like, you can just say Island of Patmos, man. We can see it's a fucking cave. We'll intuit. To be fair, given the graphics of this movie, I did appreciate it.

What the fuck are they supposed to be? It's a cave, guys. It's a cane. So, yeah, so now John is talking to light Jesus. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And he says, thanks for saving me, Jesus. And Jesus says, don't thank me.

That was God. And John of Patmos is like, yeah, I know. You know what? You're the same now. And then this is where Jesus dubs him John the revelator. Yep. This is the John of Revelation.

And we also get Michael Cleos' interpretation of Eat of this scroll. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck that was about. They couldn't give my man an apple and a scroll. And the fucking thing is like, oh, take the scroll. Eat this apple. Which one you want, Jesus?

The fuck. Okay. To be fair, it's a very confused. using part of the Bible and I don't have schizophrenia and Michael Cleos does. So I can imagine how hard it is for him who does. So look, there's a couple of popular interpretations of this part of Revelation, right? Which is that the crazy person who wrote Revelation crunched up a bunch of scroll into his bread and ate it. We know that Isaiah did something relatively similar with the poop bread.

So we can sort of think that. There is the much more likely connotation, which is that eat of this scroll just means like, pay attention, this part's important. Yes, right, right. Or there is cleosophy, as I will call it, which is I'm going to put a little bit of Nutella. Okay, but what happens is he eats of the scroll the way that like,

you know, if you're having like a tea party with your daughter or whatever and you're supposed to be eating some plastic toy that she gives you, he just kind of, um, hmm, mm-hmm. oh, that's good scroll. He just kind of does that next to it. Fuck that. Lips met scroll. I was watching.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, buddy, they couldn't give you a fucking apple or anything. I didn't know, like, it's a whole fucking thing when they eat. He's actually eating the paper or whatever the fuck. So I was like, you know, couldn't give this poor guy anything else to eat besides

fucking paper? What's fucking wrong? You just thought that they ran out of crafty and they were like, no, man, you got a vamp with scroll. Come on, Eli. There was no fucking crappy. Cleos' mom threw uncrustables at them. Imagine the terror. This movie's only 60 minutes long,

so I want to take a second and dwell. Imagine the terror the first time Michael Cleos, because nobody doesn't know Michael Cleos is in a state of full psychosis. There's no, he walks down the street and people cross the street, right? Yeah, if you know him, you know that. Yeah.

Imagine the first time he handed you a scroll covered in peanut butter and was like, And now you eat it for the movie, the bravery, braver than the troops, to actually eat the thing Michael Cleos gives you. Now, and amazingly enough, yeah, this is about as biblical as the movie ever gets. But yeah, so he goes, he eats of the scroll and then he has this vision. And it's one of these things. And Apocalypse movies do this all the time, right?

It's a terrifying now vision, right? So just a bunch of news be-roling shit where you see like riots and shit like that. It's not a very good one, though, because it's Michael Cleos. At one point, we see a little. lewd best buy. Yeah. And I'm like, well, fucking John the Rebel Littery,

he doesn't know what a best buy supposed to look like. Right. And I really wanted it to cut back to Jesus. And Jesus is like, okay, so what happens is you can buy electronics in bulk as a company and then sell them for like a 100, 200% markup.

And so some of these business, well, this is before the internet. It's not really going to be relevant for various, but there's like 11 years from the 90s until 2001. Yep. I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is they're breaking the windows.

Yep. The inflation is the fucking end times about that, that whole thing. Right, right. Best Buy deserved that shit. And I worked at a fucking Best Buy. And yeah, we fucked everybody, man. Yeah. Can I say something?

Can I say something? I believe you. Yeah. Fuck the shit out of everybody. He goes, that was a glimpse of what the end times will look like. And I'm like, it'll be impossible to get a wrap around monitor. But then John starts trying to fucking. gaslight us about what was in that goddamn montage, right?

Because he goes, I saw the sky roll up like a scroll and I'm like, motherfucker, no, you didn't. No, you did not. We saw what you saw. We saw what you saw, bitch. Don't do that. You know what Michael is capable of in character animator at this point in the movie. Right.

He goes, I saw a fire breathing locust spitting fire all over the city. I'm like, no, you didn't. You saw a looted fucking Best Buy man. Not only that, but later on in the fucking movie, we see like fucking the devil fighting, a fucking robot and shit like that. So you couldn't fucking take the time to fucking animate the fire breathing locusts and fucking pussy.

Right. You could have done it. Also, I have to point this now. The scorpion horse locusts with human faces and crowns and shit from the book of Revelation don't spit fire. They do not. Michael Cleos just somehow made that shit crazier. Can I tell you?

I think it's because the people who breathe fire at that part of the Bible are Jews. and I think Michael Cleos is an affair. Oh, he doesn't want to give him the credit. I think he was like, I would never let a Jew brief fire. No, no. No, they probably just go on hot ones or something with Sean. So then he takes another pretend bite of the scroll. This time they add a crunching sound effect to it.

So we're meant to believe that the scrolls, biblical scrolls had about the consistency of a Nestle's cruncher. I was, I clocked that too. I was like, wait, hold on. Let me go back real quick. Nope. Not on the first one. The first fucking time.

I guess I could go fuck myself then. Not going to be the last time in this movie, though, either. Yeah, no kidding. You can pretty much go fuck yourself from start to finish on this one. So, okay. So then he eats this other bit of scroll and that, then he gets a vision of the fucking rest of the movie, I guess. I don't know. We abandoned this character now for pretty much the rest, right up until the end of the film.

But now we're going to introduce the Archangel Michael Cleos. The Archangel who is played by the guy who wrote directed and special effects and everything this movie and is named after that person. And is named Michael Cleo. That means that at some point Michael Cleos was making this movie and he was like, and the angel's name is Michael. And then he was like, no, Michael, don't hide your light under a bushel.

His name is Michael Cleos. Do you guys know what Cleos means? Because I looked it up. Oh, no. What is it? Oh, no. So according to Gleai, because I didn't want to go deeper than that.

Which I think is also Michael's source. So I think for sure. So it means glory, renown, or fame, literally translating to, that which is heard. Motherfucker. The guy's name is like Michael Chen, right? Like Cleos is a stage name.

I'm not going to call him out. My name is Noah Lusions. I'm not going to call him out on having a stage name. But, okay, it's a little self-gr horrifying for a guy whose religion is about humility. Noah's real name is Noah Chin. Yeah, the self-aggrandizing is the part we could call out. The pseudonyms, not so much.

The self-aggrandizing, holy fucking shit. Yeah. Like, dude, calm down. He goes, he walks up to his little robot or whatever, and the robot goes, greeting Michael Cleo's Archangel. And I wrote my notes at first, like, well, that'd be like me having my computer say greetings, no illusions, the human. But then I realized that's what Michael Cleos's computer says to him, right? Like when he sits down and looks in it, it's like, hello, Michael Cleos, human or Archangel. I don't know.

One or the other. Mine says, hello, Vin, big dickest. Yeah. Also, this is where we first see Vins. best worst. These tiny little runt wings that he's got.

Jesus fucking Christ. Torrible. Not one costume designer anywhere will fuck with you. Seriously? Seriously. Definitely got those wings that the fuck from a,

you know, actually I think they were used wings from a recital like Eli said. So I had my nose, I had this whole like thing where like when he was an angel trying to earn his wings,

his Jimmy Stewart actually did throw himself off the bridge but he didn't die right. He was a vegetable now. And they have to to technically give him wings. And he lived another like six or seven years until he died of bed so.

So they're like, man, we're going to give you a little T-Rex wings, though, motherfucker. You get little T-Rex wings. You did it, but did you? Yeah. He was the guardian angel of that guy in North Korea who they beat to death. Oh, my little Cleo's songs. Who's like, he's alive, right? Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, but so we see his little teeny wings. His partner's running late. His partner, Demetrius, the angel. Which is impressive because we learn they can teleport. Right, yeah. It is a feat to be late when you can teleport. Heath would be late if he could teleport.

You know this to be true. Heath can teleport and it's so late. I believe both of these things to be true. I'm going to feel kind of offending here. I think this was a CPP joke. I'm not sure. I'm not, don't quote me on it. It's a color person time joke.

A C-A-T colored angel time. Yeah, totally. Now we need a flash cut to a bunch of white angels waiting around being like, okay, well, Michael, we did say 2 p.m. It's a matter of respect, Michael. And I mean this because as a, I mean this as a friend. And I consider you my close friends. You're one of my best friends.

Yeah. One of my best friends. Michael just stroll them. Whatever cracker. I reference whenever I'm singing along to music, I think of you, Michael. I'll say that right now. Oh, no. So, okay, but they're getting ready to go on assignment, right?

So Rewak, their fucking robot, like, you know, their guy in the chair, right? The Rewak bot is telling them. Angel AI. Yeah, okay, there you go. It's sending them out on a mission and it goes, remember, help the humans avoid lust and only go visible when necessary. I'm like, those are weird reminders, right? Because they're angels. Like, you would think that you would know that shit.

that would be part of the training. Yeah. Also, hey, Rewak, real quick, what happened the last time Michael Tio's the angel went to earth that you had to remind him to avoid what strip club? Yeah, right.

Did he drag out of him by AI Angel? Definitely dragged out of the strip club. If they didn't take ones, they should have told me when they let me inside. It took multiple wives that day. But if you take all the quarters in the sock, They're actually worth quite a lot. He fell in love with a stripper.

Yeah. Yeah, right, right. The whole nine yards. So they teleport onto Earth after the, you know, remember to breathe oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide reminders. And then we get their amazing teleporting effects. And we get a quick montage of like what an angel does with its time, right? So we see Michael Cleo save a little kid from getting run over by a car. Yes.

Dad's acting is atrocious, by the way. Holy shit. Like, don't get rid of... I don't even know what he said. It didn't matter, but it's horrible. Yeah, try not to get run over by a car. Yeah, basically. He's like, stop it.

Stop getting run over. Well, the other thing, too, is that they don't have, like, the kid, like, run out into the road chasing a ball. He's just standing in the road. Middle of the road. Cars coming down right down the center line of the road. Right? Like, this guy's trying to hit this kid, right? Yeah, 100%.

Yep. And this is the first time we see these actually, yeah, it's the first time we see these fucking backgrounds that he uses throughout this fucking movie. Oh, God. They're fucking awful. Just shit.

Constable. Plain old shit. Yeah. The experience of watching these backgrounds is sort of, oh, no, this isn't going to be a fun mushroom trip, the visual. Yeah. Right?

Like, just when the mushroom trip. Yeah. It's not bad yet, but you're like, oh, I think this is going to be a not fun. one. That's what it's like to look at Michael Cleos' backgrounds. Apps of fucking lootly. Ab's a fucking lootly. So our montage, by the way, of Angel things, it's two things long, right? So we see him rescue the kid from getting run over.

And then we see a guy, like a gangster guy who's got a gun. He's holding a gun on another dude. He's about to shoot him. And Michael Cleos and all his directorial brilliance decides to take a shot of a guy holding a gun still and put it in slow motion. Yeah. Also, just got to say, it's a, real gun and I'm very upset that Michael Cleos has even

movie access to a, I need Michael Cleos to not have access to water guns. Not realistic looking ones. Gun sounds. Words that rhyme with gun. I wouldn't trust him with a pointy stick honestly. No, honestly. Yeah. As a member of the synagogue of Satan, I think I speak

for all of us when I say, take away Michael Cleos is gone. There you go. Please. So yeah, but so the angelic stops time mid-shot and Ethanos snaps the gun away. Right. And then we cut to... Okay, so I know in retrospect that it's a demonic fortress of solitude, but the AI slop was so sloppy that I legit could not tell what they were going for at this point.

Yeah. I genuinely didn't know it was supposed to be a building. Right. No, that's fair. Yeah. I think later on, I go, wait, is this fucking hell? I think it's supposed to be hell. Yeah.

So we see this scientist. He's working on a futuristic see-through computer screen when some lady shows up and starts force choking him. Some lady, huh? Some lady's what we're going to describe. I have him as chubby Jolil-Wight. Yep. Because he looks just like fucking Jol-L-Way.

Jesus, that's perfect. Holy shit. Chubby Jal-Wite is great. Speaking of which, some lady, which no illusions the coward, has decided to describe as some... I have her as voodoo granny in my nose. I have evil grandmama.

She will be the Darth Vader of this movie and it's the funniest person you could possibly have played Darth Vader. Yes. Because her first choke is like me when I first started playing tits, like the first time

I've ever touched the boo. And that's her first choke. She's like fucking moving it like big ass, like the old ass TV knobs and shit. Like that's not a fucking force choke, Granny. What the fuck are you doing? again, Michael, I know you're listening. If you have the transcript of the conversation

where you explained to your real life grandmother what a force choke is, I would like to purchase it from you. Me and the synagogue of Satan are willing to make an offer. You know they have a lot of gold. Yeah. Okay. And then she's like, she's mad at this guy.

She's like, why isn't our evil plan work? And I'm like, well, maybe it's because you keep force choking a motherfucker mid equation. Yep. Right? It definitely does not boost morale. around hell. Just before choking motherfuckers.

And one thing, so this is where we get, Satan's first thing is he's, well, she wants to recreate the Tower of Babel. Yes. Right. She brings that up here and there's, we never go back to that in any meaningful way.

At various points in the movie, she will be looking to recreate the Tower of Babel. Something, something, the God particle. Later, Fat Jalil will have the book of Ezekiel by itself. Enoch, yes. As like a leather bound tome. She is not on task.

They're after the DNA of the grown. But yeah. So, okay. So now we're going to cut to Sophia, Bianca, and Brianna, three friends that are getting high on their way to church, right? I currently, I currently. Yes. So, but Brianna, I think it is. Is Brianna the one that's into crystals or is that Bianca?

I don't know. One of them is into crystals. and the other one isn't so sure about this religious stuff. Only Sophia. We can tell them apart, though, then. That's not what it is. It's that it's voiceover in the car is what it is, then. No, I actually super different.

I get it. No. I actually, if you read my notes, Vin, I say how different they look a lot. And I could. Yeah, come on. If you had a quiz for which one's which, I'd win it right now. Well, by which, you were playing against me, you would. These favorite thin characters all meld together to me.

I'm going to, you know, relieve some stress here. I couldn't, I didn't know who the fuck was talking either because they didn't even name them at the time. No, well, right. And they didn't have a single two shot because he didn't know how to do a two shot in a car. Right? So we were just looking at Sophia the whole time and just assuming that there were friends that the other voices were coming from. But as they're driving down the road, they see that there's a semi in front of them, right? And Sophia goes, oh, Jesus.

and that's, I guess, you know, that's the safe word, right? So, Shazam. Yeah, Michael appears and he floats the semi out of the way, right? You fucking show off. Wait, yes, thank you. Thank you. Unnecessarily showy here. I wanted it to land behind them in the road and explode killing hundreds.

And nobody else saw this shit. And he goes, he goes like, oh, well, I guess you guys should have gone, Jesus. Right. And I'm upset for two reasons about this scene. I'm upset because he couldn't find any other fucking way to move that truck or move her. But secondly, he could have taken the wheel invisibly, right? They're invisible.

He could have taken the wheel when she said, Jesus. Yeah. It was a perfect setup for Jesus take the wheel. Oh, right. They had it right there. Oh, obviously. Obviously. But also, okay, so nobody in the car, at first, nobody reacts to this at all.

And I'm like, I feel like you'd react a little different. nobody's reacting appropriately to this at all. And then one of the girls goes, put out the blunt. And I'm like, okay, no, that is the right reaction if the semi-at-no. Float suddenly in the air. No, you're right, okay.

Either put out the blunt, what's in this shit? Yeah, right, right, yeah. What's in this shit is a good one? I've driven Noah when he was high enough that if a semi had floated up above the car, it would have taken him 20 to 40 seconds of delay to point in it. I would have been like, hey, did that semi?

Yep, I will. Three minutes ago. I've been that fucking high. So, yeah, I get it. Yeah. So then, okay, so then Michael and his little T-Rex wings get the news that his assignment with Sophia is about to get, quote, much deeper. That isn't a sex thing. And then, so he calls Demetrius, his partner on his forehead computer. He's got an infinity symbol on his forehead that is his like fucking, it's like the Star Trek thing that they tap. Anyway, so he gets Demetrius. Demetrius is an overweight guy. So of course, he's munching. He's eating ice cream. From then on my notes, he's ice cream eating motherfucker.

Like, that's what his name is from the ice cream, you motherfucker. Well, and they play this as a joke. He's like, you know, I'm out here working and you're eating ice cream. And I'm like, wait, does that mean that like his kid got run over and his assault victim got shot? He turns over. There's just two dead bodies in the road behind him. Oh! Let me explain.

They had Ube. Do you guys know Oobie? You probably don't know Ube, but it's rare. And it's really yummy. So he's like, well, you've got to come to where I'm at. Our assignment is about to get deeper, apparently. So he teleports over. And they have this conversation about their assignment under a fucking tropical storm level amount of wind in their unprotected microphone.

Yeah. I think this is the only time he tries an exterior shot. And I think that's why. You know when you're on Facebook and you're scrolling through and you'll see like 99 cent lavalier microphone. phone and you're like, who thinks that's a good thing? Michael Cleo is who thinks that's a good thing and he's using it for his movie. I cannot say anything because I know my mic sucks

right now. In my head, I was like, and Vin is using it for his podcast, but you said it first. So I'm not exactly. Absolutely right. I know my mic is ass right out. Look, if you want a podcast with the same headset you tell children that you fuck their moms with, that's between you and Michael Cleos. You're using the same headset or the same microphone.

started off with, too, by the way. And it's facing your mouth, so you're one step ahead of me. You know, we're not here to judge. There we go. Unless it was bent out that way, you would not be at Bosnickian levels of podcasts. All right. There you go. So we go to church and what's going on here, so apparently Sophia's mom is doing some

kind of memorial for her dad who died one year ago by suicide, right? We learn that because we see Sophia like sitting with her friends going like, oh, if only I had told my dad my mom was fucking around rather than letting him find a dude in bed with her, he might not have killed himself. Yep. And that's when my mom is for the streets. And I'm in there, bro. I'm just kidding.

Mom, don't listen to us, please, God. So, yeah, but that's how good he is in expositing within the script. But Sophia, though, she's like, man, I can't wait for God to get revenge on my mom for driving my dad to suicide. Yeah. Flash cut to the Mori show hosted by God. Yeah. you are the father.

Are you sure? I'm gone. I am the father. I trust me. I'm the father and the son. Everyone on the stage is dancing and which one I'm upset at the same time. So then we cut to the fucking Satan's Arctic

Laboratory or whatever the fuck this is. They open a portal. Right? A fat Jaliel White opens a portal. And he opens, he picks up his book of Enoch. He starts to read this spell. when you tell me. Something flashy happens.

A rotissary chicken. Comes out of a rotisserie chicken. It's a weird-ass demon spider. I don't know. It's a rotisserie chicken. I watch this scene 150 times. It is a rotissory chicken. That walks like a spider.

Yes. That walks like a spider and jumps through the portal and begins to attack people. I'll take it, bro, because it's not like we see it again. Yeah, right. Right. So the rotissory chicken jumps. He jumps through the portal and attacks Sophia. And Michael at this point is robots like, go visible.

And we get this amazing moment where she, she screams. He appears, he says, fear not. He does something off camera. We hear a squirt sound and there's a little CGI blood splush that pops up. And the spider demon is no more. Yeah. The rotisserie chicken is cooked. Yes.

Again, we don't see any of that shit. No. Also, by the way, again, back to what he said before about the fucking horse locust, you fucking coward. You could have used that here. Oh, yeah. You're a fucking bitch. Absolutely. That would have made perfect sense within the story.

Yeah. Fucking Sophia turns to be uses his containment spell, I guess, to hold the spider demon at this point. This movie, like, the lore of this universe is so deep, right? Because, like, there's no reason for this containment spell thing, except that Michael Cleos knows that you actually would need a. containment spell to hold a spider chicken. 100% yes. 100%. Look, Michael, give us access to the

Google top. I want to see your notion board, buddy. I have a podcast diverse. I get it. Yeah. Look, I know I'm from the synagogue of Satan, but this is a part where you and I can reach across the aisle. We are both in psychosis about our cinematic universes Michael Cleos. Yeah.

He was like holding his fucking hand out and his foot. It's one of the worst effects I've ever seen. It's insane. And I've seen some shit. He goes, he turns to Sophia. She's like, what was that? He's like, I'm an angel.

I've been sent here by the Ruach to protect you. And she's like, wait, Ruach. I've heard that somewhere before. And I'm like, you've also heard angel before. And demon chicken. Well, maybe not together, but demon chicken. You've heard those two words. Like, that's a weird one to click on to at this point in the fucking story.

Right. 100%. And she's taking all of this very fucking well. I have to say, I will. I would probably be, have been smitten or smoke or whatever the fuck you call it. Sure. From laughing at those angel wings. So I'd be on the fuck.

You're a fucking angel. Okay. Did you Jimmy Stewart like fall off the bridge and not die? Is that why they gave you the? Oh my God. Well, yeah, no, she's acting like this happens to her, you know, like two or three times a year or so. All the time. All the time.

So then, okay. So then the Rewok appears to her and she's like, we got a lot. of exposition to do, I'm going to suck you into the spiritual plane from Black Panther real quick. I'll dare you by the fucking way. How fucking dare you? Name that shit something else.

Okay, the T-Mu spiritual plane from Black Panther. So, okay. Now, we see the Holy Spirit at this point. It's like a fucking, some kind of pointillist computer-generated maxed bedroom drama mask. Babyhead, yeah. I don't, yeah, doll face.

I don't know. It's really hard to describe. but trust me, it's not as cool as I just made it sound. No. No, it's not. But the Ruehokbant explains at this point that our soul lives in our pineal gland. Right? Which is where our third eyes are. Who fucking knew.

So much of this movie is Michael Cleos justifying the parts of Wu culture that he would like to keep Christian? Yes. Right? Because, like, he obviously has psychosis around the third eye. And so he was like, well, I can understand why you would be good. It's when you force it open with witchcraft that it's demonic. When it opens naturally through the spiritual practices of Christ.

There are so many moments in this movie where he's like, yeah, where he just has to stop everything dead and go, now let me explain to you why this is not witchcraft and doesn't count a Satanism. Mom. That's what part of my rant was about because it's like you're just adding in shit that doesn't need to be added, including Black Jesus. You don't need to add that shit. Sorry, garbage. Yeah. You're not making it better.

Oh, so, okay, and then the funniest moment of the entire fucking movie to me is after the Ruak bot gives this just three-minute jumble of absolutely incoherent bullshit right out of Michael Cleos's ass. Sophia goes, wow, that makes so much sense. Fucking lion ass. Something that someone would scream at you as you were changing subway cars. And she's like, no, that all tracks to me. No, it makes a lot of it.

laugh so hard and suddenly that it came out of my nose. It was amazing. She goes, oh, and hey, what was up with that spider chicken demon? And he goes, yeah, no, I was just a spider chicken demon. I have not. If the Rewalk had just been like, no fucking idea, man. Honestly, I'm pretty freaked out. I was hoping you would know.

I'm a baby computer or something. I don't fucking know shit. She goes, she goes, like in the book of Revelation? and I'm like, that's not in the book. There's no spider chicken demon in the book of Revelation. I've read that book. Yeah, it's impressive to name a thing that's not in the book of Revelation. It's weird that John didn't keep it.

He pulls it off, man. Like, he pulls it off. Oh, and by the way, this is when I started to get ads. And like the first couple of ads were like, you know, regular ass ads. And then they started to get into some shit. And it was like Walmart is touting how they use EBT. Did you guys get that fucking ad? 100% yes.

Okay. Okay. I just wanted to make sure. Vin, I'm so glad you put this in your notes because I have been given talkings to before about talking about the ads that come up because my ads and Noah's ads and Heath's ads are all very, very different, right? Heath's ads are like,

hey, single man, would you like a pill for your penis? And my ads are you're a bad dad, give your kid ABC Mouse, and Noah's ads are, the black people are voting. But I'm so glad because I had this experience. It's every ad I got served while watching this movie was,

hey, black person, you can use your EBT at Walmart now. Right. No other A. They, what time they showed me that ad three times. I was like, okay, so either, either Tooby knows I'm fucking black or two B's or or two B knows this movie's fucking black. I don't know which one it is. It is the latter.

We are, I promise you, me and no illusions are the only. two white people who will ever watch. We are the only three people that have ever watched this movie. So there's also that. Also. Michael Cleo. So yeah, and then Ruach, this is where the Ruach body explains that the spider chicken was after her

DNA. Again, they never make any more sense of that than I just did. Nope. Yep. So that, what is it? Motivation number two for Satan. Yes. Right, yeah, yes. Keep track. Keep up. That number is going to get high before we're done. All right. Well,

I know this is a pretty random spot to break for an interstitial, but it turns out that this movie is entirely made of pretty random spots. So we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of the Keys of the Kingdom. And then on Wednesdays, I only eat chips, so I don't even want them for the rest of the week. I see. Hey, guys.

You ready to record the rest of the podcast? Yeah, I was just telling Vin about my diet. Oh, the chips thing? Okay, it's not a chips thing. Listen, Eli. Where fad diets fail, Green Chef delivers real food and recipes that make getting healthy easy and lasting. No, how do they do that? With Green Chef every week, you get over 40 recipes made with delicious produce and responsibly sourced proteins.

Plus, pick what matters to you, Mediterranean, high protein, or whatever your preference. I don't know, Noah. Have you actually tried it? I sure have. Green Chef sent us a box to try when they first became a sponsor. I love that I can get a heart-healthy meal packed with fresh produce without all the hassle I run into the grocery store. That's why I, Noah, personally endorse Green Chef. All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Head to greenchef.com slash 50 awful and use the code 50 awful to get 50% off your first month,

then 20% off for two months after. That's code 50 awful at green chef.com slash 50 awful. All right, Noah, thanks. So do you want to tell me about your chips thing? Okay, if anything, it's an anti-chips thing. Listen. Feels like it's a chips thing, man. It's not a chips thing.

Great job on your scene yesterday, man. Hey, you two. Are you guys? Ready to get back into making the movie? Sure, Michael. Where's your camera? Yeah, what's with these microphones? Oh, see, at this point, Satan sucks everyone into the second dimension,

so they have to battle their way out from there. From the second dimension? Yep. Okay, so how are you going to make the movie? Oh, I'm going to animate it. It's actually crazy good timing because I just got my 30-day trial from Adobe. I see. Yeah.

Hey, Michael, this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that your mom ended the shoot last night because she needed her camera back to shoot content for her only fans, does it? No, no. The devil sucked everyone into the second dimension. Got it. And it's not only fans, it's other content. I feel like it's only fans. It's not.

And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left off, we were mid-internal Sophia Exposition with the Rewak bot. Keep up. And we're going to rejoin the action here with the Rewak bot, switching her to a different green screen background to tell her that her mom is trapped inside Satan's mind. Mm-hmm.

I, yeah, completely blessed at this fucking point. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? We already had two plots. We had two contradictory plots and now we have this. What the fuck is any of this? Yeah, she looks around and she goes, man, the mind is a scary place when it's a demonic playground. And Rurak is like, what? And she's like, nothing.

I was trying to yes, and you're weird. I thought it sounded good in my head. Yeah. But then, so she's like, you know, oh, you're inside your mom's mind. You got to get her from Satan. So she wakes up, you know, out of the Rewak bot or whatever. And she tells her first, she's like, we got to help. my mom and they're like, well, I thought you hated your mom. And she's like, no, no, no, that's

some weird demon lady that took my mom over and can go fuck herself. Well, I wanted to help my real mom who's trapped in Satan's brain. Okay. But does that mean that the mom that was cheating on the dad that she told that he found out about and killed herself was Satan? Or is that unrelated? Right. Or was that like let Satan in? Yeah. And the thing is that later on, just spoilers from this shit. So later on they're like, oh, well, your mom took the mark of the beast. Fucking win. Because the fucking, no. Yeah. If Satan did that shit, then that's not a mom. Right. No, that shouldn't count. How's that her fault? Yeah, exactly. If you're, if you,

if it's when you're possessed, you know, like, if I grab your hand and sign a contract with it, that doesn't fucking count. Yeah. So, okay. So, but she tells her friends that are, that her mom's trapped in Satan's brain, their friends look skeptical. And I'm like, okay, you guys saw the fucking demon chicken spite. right? Like we all just and the angel. They're like we're all very open to extra dimensional beings at this point, right? I think

skepticism needs to take a step back. Yeah, she's like, don't look at me like that. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Okay, Sophia, relax. And Michael's like, oh, I guess this is why we were sent. We were supposed to help him. And Demetrius is like,

couldn't we just eat some ice cream though instead? Right, fat bastard. Demetrius is really not moved by the imminency of this moment. moment. He's like, oh, yeah, no. Satan and stuff, that's terrible. But, like, just to be clear, your mom was possessed by Satan yesterday.

So it's not like this can't be a tomorrow thing. Well, this didn't happen on our shift, actually, if you think about the actual possession. With the last guy. That was the other angel. Talk to Gabriel, man. The morning shift really should have taken care of this. So, yeah, just closes. It's not your job when you close to clean up what open doesn't clean, okay?

So, okay, but now... They don't always have Ube. Out of fucking nowhere, the Satan lady, Darth Vader Satan lady, shows up and she attacks him with a slow-moving water ball. Yeah.

So Michael Cleos cuts her hand off. Yeah, with a lightsaber. Completely because that bitch off. But don't worry, it grows back. Off camera. And if you're wondering how they manage the special effect, it is not quite the level of when you were a kid and put,

your arm inside your sleeve. It's close, though. It's 100% close. No, genuinely, that would have been a step up. If she had had her arm inside her sleeve and just pushed it back out, that actually would have been a step up from where they were. Right. But she sprouts another hand.

Sophia and our friends are, like, taking this like champs. Like, none of this fazes them at all. Not even a problem. That was some excellent weed they smoked in the car. They are really... That was the chronic. They had Dr. Dr. Dr. Jury's fucking chronic. Like, enough of phases.

Okay. And then we get this scene, which, the only possible explanation for this. I would love to hear the second half of that sentence, no illusions. Go ahead. Boy, I have done myself a hell of all right. So, okay, let me see.

But no, the only possible explanation for this is that somehow or another, he had this footage for some reason, Michael Cleos, for some other project that he'd scrapped in the past, or maybe even done in the past. He had footage of this badass demon being chased around a city by a robot. Right?

That was flying through the city. Yeah. And so the Satan lady turns into this badass looking demon all of a sudden out of nowhere. And Michael Cleos turns into the fucking robot that chased those pigs into the woods from that video out of nowhere. And then they start flying around a city.

We haven't been in this whole time. Yeah. lost my absolute shit. Because how fucking dare you, sir? How fucking dare you? I'm sitting here watching this fucking shitty-ass movie and then all of a sudden it's fucking Power Rangers but like worse.

What the fuck? Oh, and it was like the demon was badass too. Like it was actually like it jumps through a fucking helicopter and we're like what the fuck is happening? What is my job anymore guys? And you might be wondering, hey, what are the female characters in this movie doing? while a demon and a robot have a helicopter fight.

They're discussing the veracity of crystals through Christian practice, just in case you're wondering. Exactly. The Rewak bot pulls Bianca, the crystal friend, into the green screen averse. Hey, Bianca, can I speak to you in the green screen universe while the demon and the robot? Yeah, absolutely.

This really doesn't involve us. And so I'd love to talk to you about crystal use. Yeah. And she says, hey, you know what? God loves crystals. He made them, his thing. crystals, but you can't use them for magic spells and shit because that is witchcraft. Yeah. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt the spiritual practice.

Yeah, exactly. Pretty impressive. It's absolutely fucking that. It's like, dude, okay, you don't have to add all. Just say, fuck it. I like crystals. Just say that shit. Don't fucking shoehorn into this fucking religion that was never ours to begin with.

I can't stress that enough. Right. Well, and so what's happening here is the Rewak bot realizes that the girls are going to need to step into the armor of God if they're going to protect themselves in the upcoming fight, right? Sailor Moon transformation. I was so excited. I was hoping for a Sailor Moon transformation. We never quite get there. Never fucking got that shit.

But what we do get is that when she comes out of this fucking green screen of hers, she is now wearing this pink spandex superhero suit and it is glorious. Again, superheroes doing a lot of heavy lifting here. but yeah a lot of things are doing a lot of heavy lifting at this point in the scene Spandex is doing a tremendous amount of lifting

these women are dressed like some like you hired a costume character of a Power Ranger but you were like I will pay one dollar and not a penny more well to the point where

you said these people no they had one suit right because we see one of them and then the other other girl says, well, shouldn't I have a superhero suit as well? And the Rewak bot is like, you don't sufficiently believe in Jesus yet.

Also, that Halloween Adventure's closing sale wasn't nearly as affordable as the sign on the front door said it would be. If everything must go, then me taking two for the price of one is doing you a favor. I'm Michael

Cleo. We don't have to. You got the one. Fuck. Stop. Stop arresting me. I'm Michael Cohn. But also, I would just want to point out, because I found this out later, she has the 144,000 on her fucking chest as of like a plate or whatever. And I'm like, what the fuck does that even mean? I look it up later. We get to it later. Fucking bullshit.

Yes. 144,000, the number of people that are going to heaven. Yeah. It's crazy to haven't hit that limit yet. I feel like God should, if they haven't hit that limit, it's crazy. If they have hit that limit, I would have liked an announcement, right? Yeah, right. Like when they run out of a viral suit, when you're on the big long line for a chocolate

cronaut and they come out and they're like, hey, everybody, no more chocolate. I would like God to come down and be like, I guess you can fuck a bunch of kids if you want to. No. No, this lady, she was a doctor and she did really good. And I was, I was being tough. I was being tough, but she cured cancer. So, yeah. sort of have at it, I guess.

I mean, this sort of had an opposite as an intended fact, if I'm being honest. When I looked up, it was like the 12 tribes of Israel, you know, the 1,200 people from 12,000 people from 12 tribes of Israel, shit like that. I'm like, that's still not black. Like,

no, it's a shoehorn ourselves and every fucking thing. If you ask the gentlemen who are yelling dressed like ninjas outside of the subways of New York, they'll tell you. Yep. Yep. Sure. That's not what they'll shout at Eli, but That is

that is not with the shit. They are aware. They like Michael Cleoes are aware which synagogue I go to. And it is the synagogue of Satan. So yeah. So, but then the plan now is that

the the angels are going to use some lightning powers to blind Satan Darth Vader granny long enough for Sophia to jump into her eyes

with her eye jumping powers. Obviously. And rescue her mom. That's the plan. I followed everything you just said. Come on, man. That in the words of Sophia, that makes a lot of sense. So often I have written in my nose here, I have no idea what the fuck I just typed, guys. But as they're doing this, Bianca is trying to explain to Brianna how she really needs to get with this Christianity shit, right? But Brianna goes, well, I don't know. This all seems like witchcraft to me.

And I'm like, okay, but the thing that's telling you that witchcraft is bad is Christianity. Right? So if you don't believe in the Christianity, then why would the witchcraft? I don't know. Anyway, yeah. I mean, she does have a fair point because, to me, all fucking religion at this point is fucking witchcraft. Sure. Same fucking difference.

Sure. No, that's fair. That's fair. You shove a crystal up your ass and you fucking eat. Christ. Like, what the fuck is the difference? Right. The whole it goes in, Vin, I told you that. Watch those videos I sent you. I believe in Christ consciousness.

And she's like, no, that doesn't, apparently that doesn't count. What the fuck does that even mean? This is like when I try and make a reference to podcast infighting to a real human being. I'm like, I believe in Christ's consciousness. I think we all know that. I think we're all on the same page about the corner of the internet. and I spent a little too much time on at the great deficit of my mental health

and I'm right. We are all experiencing the same culture. You got to get off the internet, bro. I did. You got to do it. So, yeah. So, okay, so, but then they use the blinding powers and Sophia dives into the devil's mind

with her eye diving bit. And then, okay, so now she's in the green screen of hers again. She rushes over to her mom, right? And she's like, mom, I'm here to save you. And she's like, no, no, the devil can make demons that look like you and tell me that they're here to save me. I'm not buying it. Right. My notes here

are just all caps. Hold the goddamn camera still, Paul Greengrass. What the crazy. I noticed this from the fucking begin, like the opposite. The fucking everything is moving. What the fuck was going on? I don't even understand. Right. It's CGI. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And it gets worse, dude. You don't even need a tripod for that. Yeah. You don't need a tripod for inside a computer. what happened. But dude, it gets worse. When we get to your worst, your worst best dog,

it gets fucking worse. It does, yeah. She's like, you know, how do I know you're not a devil illusion? And she goes, Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. And she's like,

oh yeah, no devil can't say those words. Right. Wait, the devil has a Fonzie, I'm sorry thing, because that's, that's how I'm going to foil in,

just to be clear. If the devil has a, I'm just going to, that's all I'm, You just make that your voice activated password and he's fucked. Yeah. And like black churches and stuff like that. Yes, that is a thing.

The devil can't say certain things. Mm-hmm. So like it's fucking wild because it's just like, okay, well, I mean, why can't he use like Kevin's talk back from fucking Home Alone 2 and shit? Right, right. Exactly. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Can you read this for me? Yeah. So now, so Demetrius here, he's got to watch over because they've got like the lady,

Vader, Satan lady tied up. But, yes. Not tightly. Not tightly. She was not willing to be tied tight. The loosest fucking ropes I've ever seen. This aunt, they were like, all right, Auntie, now it's time for us to tie you up.

And she was like, I'll punch you right in the fucking throat. You may gently drape Christmas lights around. me and if I feel them start to tighten, I'm going to shoot you with the gun I let you borrow for the beginning of this movie. She's like, mm-mm, that's for my man in our bedroom. I don't know anything about their shit.

And then Michael now shows up to help Sophia in the, like he shows up in Satan's mind to help Sophia free her mom and he's like, hey, I have the titular key of the kingdom. And she's like, are you sure there's like key to the kingdom? Because I feel like the saying is

key of all of the keys are of the kingdom a lot of Christians have this wrong it turns out it's yeah apparently because I was like two two two it's two I went down a crazy rabbit hole of why Christians are wrong about this because of course when Christians are wrong about something long enough they make up lore about it and so I was like okay well that's the wrong expression and then I saw oh no it's a big Christian expression I was like well am I wrong and then the dictionary was like, hey, man, they're wrong, but they've got a whole thing about it. You need to let them. Listen, they're going to cry.

You got to give them their bottle. When Biblegateway.com is ready to weigh in on something, I am out of my death. Right. So, okay, but now we get the scene where Demetrius gets corrupted by Satan Vader late. Right? Like, she starts to go. And so, like, I notice God makes you sit way at the far end of the table when he has those big feasts and shit, like way over there when you can't even hear any of the good

conversation. And he's like, shut up. I like it over on the kids' table. I mean, the other two. It's better. It's good. Like, I'm just sitting here with my ice cream, of course. It's nice because I can let people in and out because everything has to pass by me.

I can tell you. Yeah. They give me chocolate ice cream and I'm like, which door did you come out of? One of the things that Michael Cleos is trying to remix into his weird Christianity, Satanism, witchcraft thing is the secret. Right? Because several times in this. in this movie, like people will make reference to, you know, these humans can co-create their own reality

just by believing hard enough and yet they don't because of us Satan or whatever. Because they won't listen to Michael Cleo. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. That's his whole Instagram. Also, there was a point, so Michael's trying to give her the key or whatever in Satan's mind. There was a point where he's fucked his own voice up so bad with reverb

that even the subtitles on Tubeby were like unintelligible, man. No idea. I cannot help you here. You've gone somewhere where I cannot follow. Speaking of subtitles. Speaking of subtitles, and we will get to it.

Pin in the subtitles. Oh my God. Put a major pin in that shit. Honestly, best worst subtitles would have been a good contender for this one. Testing the goodwill of automatically generated subtitles. Right, yes. All right. So then Demetrius pops out and he's like been convinced now.

he attacks Michael. He's been convinced to turn to the dark side. Yeah, we can tell because he's purple. Well, and his little T-Rex wings are black now. His wings are black now. Yep, exactly. And he wants his own universe with blackjack and hookers and shit. Yes.

Exactly. And then I guess he steals Sophia's soul, which is a two-by-two Rubik's cube of some sort. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yes, it is. Yep. He picks that up. That's her consciousness.

And now Satan lady has it. So she teleports away. Yeah. This is right before she tells us that's where we get the god particle bullshit or whatever. Oh, yes. And I'm like, okay, that's plot number three, Michael. Yep. The fuck.

Yep. Four, if we count the DNA as a separate thing. Four, yeah. Absolutely. You're right. Four. So, okay. So then we get Brianna.

She's telling Michael, she's like, hey, totally believe in your religion now. And she's like, no, doesn't count. Doesn't count because you saw a bunch of the, once you see the demon chicken. Like, come on. Like, that's not even a thing. Yeah. But it does earn her a trip to the green screen dimension with a Rewak bot. Yep.

Who chastises her at this point for being a kleptomaniac? Fucking, she's like, fucking klepto. What? Why? Who the fuck thought this needed to be added? I think the actress that played Brianna was like, I feel like my character needs more depth. And he's like, she's a kleptomaniac. I feel like they brought this out for her.

Like, she's like a klepto in real life. Yeah. Oh, 100%. Okay. All right. Michael calls her out in the movie. She's like, we said we weren't going to fucking call each other out of the movie.

If I had written this movie, this is where Ruhak would take Keith aside and be like, so when you go on vacation with other people from the podcast of us and then I just need you to invite me first. Or Jesus does. Jesus and God do. You just invite Eli first. There's also a wild moment here where the Rewak bot explains to her

that all of the desires to steal, those come from the devil because, quote, humans don't have original thoughts. They don't have original thoughts. How the fuck does free will work then? Yes. To be fair, if you had made Michael Cleos' movies as Michael Cleos, you would also believe that humans don't have original thoughts.

No, that's all right. No, Aston answered. Asked and answered. Yeah. So, and then it's a cartoon now. Motherfucker. Just for the rest of the fucking movie, it will be a cartoon. because he clearly, he either ran out of money or whatever, couldn't keep doing.

He realized how expensive this shit was going to be, or he just learned about this character creator program that he was using. And he was like, I'm so lazy. I'm not even going to go back and do the beginning of the movie again, but in character animator. Time is money. I'm just going to start here and go. I moved the fucking slider.

I was like, okay, what the fuck just happened? And I moved the fucking slider. And it's still all the rest of that. And I was like, key from that fucking teacher sketch. I was like, son of a bitch! Yes, yes. For the rest of the fucking movie. So, okay, so Rihanna at this point chooses to follow Jesus.

So now she has a pink super hero suit of her own because it's animated now, right? Yeah, everybody can have a superhero suit now. Son of a bitch said fucking half off. Hey, that's 100% off now. Yeah, exactly. And can we just talk about, you know, I just want to hold you guys in light. Can we just talk about Breanna's face? Like why the fuck did they draw

her animated face? Yeah, her animated face. If I had drawn, if they had, the day Brianna walked in and Michael Cleos was like, and this is your character, she needed to punch him until he was dead, Brianna. Yeah, honestly, honestly, you went to, I don't know what you did, but you went too easy on him because he continued. The self-respect. Yeah.

Also, by the way, like, did you anybody, I mean, I'm sure we all noticed that Michael gave himself much bigger wings in the cartoon version I was like why is wings bigger now and a much smaller forehead yes a much smaller forehead as well I was expected for the cartoon version to whip out a giant cock at any point

goes like actually it's 11 inches long yeah just out of curiosity we should all do the maximum amount of push-ups we can do right now right exactly exactly so and then fucking Ruach bot

explains to them it's like, oh, no, you know what? Satan has drug us all down into the second dimension. And we're like, fucking what? No, that's why you're a cartoon now because you've been drugged down to this. Like, that's not what that would mean. You'd be a fucking flatlander and you wouldn't be able to move like towards in a way. Yep.

Right. That's not quite. Exactly. And it's like that's the, you wouldn't turn into a fucking cart. Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck are we talking about? There was probably a version of the script where the devil brings them into the Looneyverse and they were like, no, no.

We can get sued about that. But yeah, apparently Michael's glitching now because he's in the second dimension. So the, so Ruachbot has to blast him with his second dimension ray. Okay. I need to explain that I have been playing with Adobe's character animator for the last three months. And so I'm literally watching Michael Cleos explore the Adobe character animator effects in order. Right? Like I want, okay, character. And then he learns to make a move. And I'm

like, oh, okay. And then he's like, you can just put glitch on any of the I might as well see the premiere file just like skating along underneath a fucking, at some point, you are going to see the actual character select box. Yes. We do. We'll get some point. Yep. I pointed that shit. I was like, oh, you motherfucker.

It's so bad. It's so amazingly bad. So, okay. But they explained at this point. that their mission now is to get the earth back into live action, right, and to rescue Sophia because Satan has stolen her consciousness in the form of a two-by-two Rubik's cube. Now, Brianna and Bianca's job for the rest of the movie will be to watch over Sophia's soulless vessel, but don't worry, they've got the armor of God so nothing bad can happen to them.

So no tension there. And nothing plot related either. And yeah, that's a, that's not a plot-related at all. Also, I wanted to point out by this point, because I had acts about coming on here just behind the scenes thing. And at this point, I was like, is this what you do, Eli, when people ask about coming on your show, he's big, watch the shit? This is how we punish, man. You want to come on God-awful movies? I was like, I'm never getting the fucking document to fucking do this.

We just prank you. We make everybody watch this movie. I know for a fact, there is one. person who we had to cancel their appearance who thinks I just pranked them and there's nothing I will ever say or do to convince them otherwise. I love that.

So, but they've got their armor so they're fine. What Michael needs now is John the Revelator from the cold open, the guy who made the dude's heads explode at the beginning of the movie, right? The guy who wrote Revelation. Apparently he's been a frozen in carbonite for the last 2,000 years. Yes, he has.

on Patmos. And I was like, this is why we went to 2D because they didn't have big ass block of ice money. Meanwhile, George Lucas made a fucking, you know, death star off a fucking tennis shoe. Oh.

Oh, you know. Oh, holy shit. I'm about to, Michael, I know you're listening, and this is going to be really depressing, but you could have just set the camera in front of an ice cube

and had him stand way back. Wow. Yes. I know. I know. I just fucked it all up. That's in the next movie. That's in two hearts,

one blood. I like that we chose the only movie that's not about threesomes of Michael Cleos's to do for this first trip, yeah. Spot on, actually, because yeah, he does have a movie about Polygony. So, yeah, that's fun. But he calls it something weird. He's got a weird. Yeah, he doesn't pronounce it right. Yeah.

No, it's because he's pronouncing another thing. I went down a Michael Cleos's crazy rabbit hole. Yeah, there's quite a few of those. Because every video is him going Polygeney or whatever, and someone goes. it's pronounced proligamy, and he's like, no, my thing is from the Greek word ginanos. Every instant.

And then he's at the Oscars being interviewed. Yeah. So he goes and he gets John, like they thought John, and they have been very kind to this gentleman in their cartoon rendering as well. He was a little portly in the real life version. He's quite spelt as a cartoon.

Well, God gave him some GLP's right before he went into the ice, you know. Well, you know, he's been starving for 2,000 years. in there too. Yeah, exactly. Didn't have any snacks inside the ice. Yeah, exactly. Because somebody, okay, Eli, you worked with this fucking thing.

Why is the shit still waving, dude? Why is it wavy? So what has happened is that there's this thing called the breathing effect, right, where you can make the character like move slightly with the idea that it's breathing, right? But that's meant for like big cartoon monsters

and big red things. These are people. Oh, my God. So they're just sort of constantly undulate, Like, you know when the ecstasy hits a little too early? And you're like trying to leave because you need to go into the car and jerk off. That's how the cartoons of this movie, just everyone's like, yeah, and Satan's Matrix, if you rub my back right now, I'll come right away. Just you know.

Because I swear to God, I was like, why the fuck is the camera still fucking moving in and it's fucking too-D? What the fuck is happening? So, okay. So now, so he thaws out, John, and he's like. Like, I need your help. I'm an archangel. And he's like, I don't know you. He's like, actually, I am a shit you not.

This is Michael Cleos's actual term. A new gen archangel. Oh, okay. So this is after the DC reboot. Right. Right. Next generation. No, see, originally, what they did is they killed Spider-Man's wife in heaven.

And then it was really a downer and they didn't know how to get out of it. So they relaunched it with a new gen angel, those angels. Yeah, exactly. Those angels understand comic books are supposed to be fun to read. That reminds me of the new Spider-Man movie that's going to come out soon and I wish I was watching that.

God, I was watching that. What a great moment. Imagine that you live at the time where Michael Cleos' movie and this movie will play. Yeah. What if the aliens simultaneously took in both of those pieces of information?

Yep. Do we? Yeah. We guys, we checked you out and you are medium. Yeah. So, okay, so then we get this actual, so he gets John and he's like, well, what do we have to do? And we get this actual line.

He says, quote, now we need to go to the synagogue of Satan and access the Akashic records. Oh, yeah. There are times in my job where I'm so excited to like scroll down and see what Eli is written in his notes. Howva. Nacki, Yvah, Avah. How upset were you guys? that he doesn't get even a little Jewish with the synagogue of Satan.

Yeah, right. Let me be extremely clear because Michael Cleos is going to be like, I wasn't talking about you. No one says synagogue of Satan who isn't talking about Jewish people. And I don't know who in my, first of all, if anyone is able to reach Michael Cleos,

you needed to start, you needed to continue after you convinced him not to put like a little Torah wielding Jew in the background of the synagogue of Satan. you need to continue that mission. I mean, death did have kind of a big nose, not to, you know. He did have a little bit of smiles on them. I was like, what the fuck is that?

And then I was like, oh, that death with a nose? Because they drop, the synagogue of Satan is like a cartoon background. It is available for free on Adobe Animator of like, you know, lava and fire. But there is also, and this is not available in Adobe character animator. He added himself, is a grim reaper taking a best. bath in a pool of lava in the background, and that Grim Reaper will never be acknowledged. Again, all I wanted for the rest of the movie

was for the Grim Reaper to be like, what are you guys up to? Taken about occupied, am I right? Occupied. I just wanted to go back real quick. John's line, because Michael Cleos is telling the whole thing, and John's line is like, I hate saying, like, Satan stole his fucking prom date and shit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, where he goes? like, I hate Satan. Yes. He sounds like a tired dad. Like Garfield hates Mondays, yes. Yeah, right, right, exactly. So, yeah, so then this is where they expose it on the Akashic record and they explain that the devil is trying to like know as much as Satan.

So he assigns each of us our own personal demon to keep track of all the shit we do and report back to Satan, put in a big book. Right? And I like that I have a personal demon. I think that's, I'm flattered. Yeah, I was going to say, say, I want to take a moment to apologize to my personal demon. I'm assuming it was a random

assignment and that sucks for you. I know that there are lots of people out there and like just the amount of times you've had to write and then he jerked off to honestly, like really that's on that you I hope there's some kind of promotion thing. I probably won't live

a lot longer so I really I hope there's some kind of promotion thing in the bag. You should get like a baby that dies young. for your next assignment. You earned it, bud. Fuck my personal devil, because I've talked to myself about selling my soul multiple times

that bitch never showed up and I want my fucking superpowers asshole. You gotta shine up the show. You got to make it sellable then. I'm not even good at guitar. Maybe your soul's as good as your mic. Fuck you, Eli. There's also this great moment.

I want a headset soul. He's like, the demons, like, keep track of all of our stuff. That's how the fortune tellers can do such great. great work and tell you about your great-grandfather. I'm like, no, that's hot reading, that part. This is a cold reading combination of the two. John, at this point, he's like, well, you know what,

let me check and make sure that my lightning hands still work. Yep, they do. Out of nowhere. They do. We will never use those in the film. Because I'm literally watching him play with the different effects. Yeah, watching it. He figured out.

And he was just like, ah, laser hands. Nice. Fire is awesome. So he does do it later. We just don't see it. Well, no, right, right. Yeah, exactly. he forgot, he forgot where that button was.

And then, and then he checks out, he's like, all right, that's good. And then he goes, all right, let's go. Followed by I shit you not. Five and one half actual seconds of no one moving at all. Just five and a half seconds. I'm watching Michael Cleos in real time struggle to push a button in Premiere. Yeah. I might as well be sitting next to him at his computer while someone who knows him goes,

no, the right arrow. No, the right on the far side of your keyboard. No, the other right, man. So, okay, but eventually, though, they teleport to what Elias accurately described in the notes as Satan Lava Cave Thing. Right? This is the synagogue of Satan. They explain that now that they're here, all they have to do is show Sophia the keys of the kingdom and she'll be set free. This is not true.

Right. No. Right, even within their movie. It's not true. Right. Because the thing is, they did it. her mom, she wasn't fucking free. No.

Like, she didn't get set free. So he showed her, these are the keys. No, it didn't help in any way. I also think that this, because they explained that Satan will, has trapped her in a world that she thinks is real. And I think that this is a very roundabout way of Michael Cleos adjudicating why he's not allowed at a certain coffee shop in their neighborhood anymore. Right.

Like he told a barista one too many times that he could free her from Satan's matrix. And she was like, all right, no more vanilla latte's for you. forehead kid. He definitely tried to make somebody his wife there 100%. Yeah. So now they go to save Sophia's soul. One of his wife.

And she's been tricked into thinking that she is a barista. That's her satanic afterlife punishment is to spend the rest of time thinking she's a barista. Just trying to trade fucking shifts with Carol. Yes.

Return it. My thing is this. Okay. So the. the rat race is Satan's Matrix or whatever the fuck and we're and you know we're we have to work these fucking jobs because of Satan and the Matrix and all that bullshit so what the fuck would you want us to do just fucking quit like we don't right we don't need fucking day jobs or anything like that

quit your day job make an AI video of you being interviewed on the red carpet and on the fucking breakfast club obviously so yeah so but Michael Joseph he does this terrible job of explaining to her that she's trapped inside of Satan's dreams. She is remarkably uninterested in why he has wings, right? Doesn't it give a fuck?

She says, you sound like a conspiracy theorist and I wrote in my nose. I bet women in coffee shops tell him that a lot. All the time. Michael is just writing what he knows, right? He's like, and you know, I'll tell you guys, this next part of the movie,

this is based on real life. Because if I could tell you the amount of times I've told an attractive young black woman trying to do her job that I was, was an angel sent from heaven to free her from Satan's matrix. And she said, leave me alone. To be fair, Sophia is white now. She is in the cartoon.

I just wanted to point that out. Her hand clips through fucking Michael Cleos's big ass wings. I can't see it anymore when she raises it. So following the script of things that women tell him at coffee shop, she says, please leave her all call security. There's a white guy, I think he's the only white guy in the movie, that is like a customer here at the coffee shop. And when they start talking too much about how she's trapped in Satan's Matrix,

he shoots some eye lasers at him. But luckily, John intercepts those with his fucking shell of protection and then blasts his head off with his invisible hand lasers. Yeah, they're invisible now. Which Sophia does not notice or acknowledge. In any way. It just doesn't see shit. I didn't see shit get the fuck out.

A head has exploded a foot and a half behind her cartoon and she's like, and I just consolidated my debt. And I'm actually getting a pretty decent rate. And they always say that to scam. You would think at the very least she'd be like, well, now I have to clean that up. But no reaction at all. And this is, of course, the point where we see the visible character select box surrounding John. Yeah. 3711 is right over John.

I put it down. I went back multiple times to get that fucking time. I was like, mother, you lazy motherfucker. You lazy, son of it. You know you watch back over it and you realize that was there. And you're like, well, damn it, I guess that's how, no second takes. Can't be a Michael Cleo banger if I'm watching you select something on a screen. Right.

I just, I fucking can't. So, but this is when Satan shows up. And you might be thinking to yourself, wait a minute. Hold on. I've used the free sample version of Adobe. character create. There's no Satan image. Don't worry. He's figured out a way around this. He's created his own image.

Satan will be a lump with eyes. He's a circle, yeah. He looks like the dirty fucking bubble from SpongeBob. Yes! Oh my God, yes. Yeah, that's it. That's perfect. It's just a giant fucking egg. I'm like, and it sucks ass. It's just

horrible. It's not even scary. It's just awful. And then so, and then we get probably the greatest moment of the film again. I know I've already said this. No, I said the funniest. No, this is the greatest. So what Michael Cleos has done is now,

in order to make his voice sound like Satan, he's made it really deep and put a bunch of reverb in it. And he's done so much of that that you can't understand what the fuck it say it. Right? No one could possibly understand it. So instead of redoing it with slightly more audible use of reverb and deepening, he's put in subtitles. Yep.

That don't match what the goddamn camera. character set. He forgot his lines from his movies. And then just made up his own subtitles. Here's another layer. To be get some of the fucking lines right. Yes. With their captioning.

Yes. Right. So there's a point where he's saying one thing and you've got your real subtitles saying another thing and you've got the fake subtitle saying a third thing. The TikTok subtitle saying another. Yeah. It's fucking nuts.

Fucking subtitleception. A lack of qualityception. Yes. what we're experiencing. There's a moment where like after Satan says something, there's just a parenthesis that says laughs, but he doesn't? That was a fucking lie. That was a fucking lie.

Do you think we're going to believe that you remembered to laugh demonically there? Right. Say that you did. Maybe it was like a sing-along. He was hoping we would laugh at that point. All right. Well, my fucking, my barometer for succotitude doesn't go low enough for this shit.

So I need a minute to recalibrate. But first, let me give Act three the hard sell. Will the movie? shift to 16-bit graphics at the 45-minute mark? Will the movie reduce to zero dimensions by the end of this thing and thus create a black hole? Would that even make it suck more? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll return for the PS1 cutscene conclusions of the Keys of the Kingdom.

What's up, Rizmasters and mistresses? It's me, Bizzle for Shizzle. And the good news is, you can find us on. shorties, the gram, and ticking up the tops. Eli, what the hell are you doing, man? I'm telling everybody about our video stuff. You sound like a serial mascot having a nervous breakdown.

Okay, that's the way kids talk these days, Noah, okay? No cap. It's not. But look, if folks want to check out clips from the show, video content, and way more, you do it on YouTube, TikTok, and as you said, Instagram. We're not changing how you get your podcast or where you'll get it.

We're just adding extra stuff to check out and share in those places. and we think you're really going to like it. Link in the show notes. Smash that like and subscribe button. This is really difficult to watch. Smash it, Vin. No.

Smash. Yes, it's me. Luke, Ifer, your manager at this coffee shop. Yeah, I have a question about my shift on Saturday. Yes, another shift. Another day, another dollar, Sophia. almost like a never-ending cycle, isn't it? Right, sure.

So Claire's mom is coming into town and she wanted to know if we could switch her opening ship with mine? Oh, yeah, I guess that's fine. Great. In fact, we were actually talking about it and her Saturdays tend to be more free. So would it be possible for her to be scheduled on Saturday mornings instead of me? Yeah, fine, whatever. My boyfriend Craig is part of a soccer rec league, and I'll start to be able to go to his games. Okay, yeah.

Honestly, Brianna, I got to tell you, I sort of created this universe to torment you as a battle with an angel. And there's just been, there's been a lot of logistics. I thought there would be way more eternal torture and a lot less of ordering flavored syrups. It feels like this whole thing has gotten away from me, you know? Oh, so I can't switch my shift? No, you can. Just put it in the POS system. Also, we're out of hazelnut syrup again.

Motherfucker. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with John and Michael having teleported back to the spawn point right before Michael, I guess, went off on the Satan lump. Yep. Jesus, this is weird. Yeah.

They have this weird conversation where they're like, you know, she's so stubborn. She's like one of those atheists. Yep. And it's like, dude, just show us. I mean, okay, fair point to that. Sophia's got all the information she needs right in front of her fucking face. But like, we don't.

So fuck you. Yeah. Well, that's what we're saying. Like you have an angel show up and, you know, blow a white guy up with his fucking hand lasers and shit. And I will change religions. I'm in right away. Yeah. I promise it will only take one moving rotisserie chicken to get me fully on board.

with whatever religion. One angel jingling keys at me. And hey, all right, buddy, sure. Really? Honestly, I mean, I'm going to need full-sized wings, right? Like, don't send me that one. No, absolutely. None of those toddlers and tiara's bullshit.

If I can take your fucking wings off, then we got a problem. So, okay. So they're like, we have to go back and try again. And I'm like, then what was this scene for? So they tell about port back. And they try again by doing exactly the same shit, saying exactly the same shit to her again? Exactly.

Yeah. But this time they do give her a panic attack. Well, okay. Now, I have to, like, I have to read you this exact line. As she said, that this line is amazing. She says, I can feel a panic attack about to come on me. Lady. The word me really, really shouldn't be at the end of that sentence.

It really changes the meaning in very important ways. We got to talk. I don't know who doesn't understand that phrasing, but. but I need them, I need everyone to understand it. Yep. You, Michael Cleon. Yeah. Cleon.

And can we just talk about the fear thing? Oh, God. Michael, he's like, oh, that's just fear. False evidence appearing real. Bitch. Okay, so I'm in the woods with a fucking wolf and I'm shitting my fucking pants because I'm falsely perceiving this fuck. Fuck you.

Yeah. Right. What's the fuck are you talking about? If you have a catchy acronym for when someone tells you the things you're saying are crazy, you're crazy. Yes. Yep. Probably.

So my magic group, try not to get too wet then. My magic group used to meet at a public space in New York City and we got approached by a girl who was in a cult once. And we were like, hey, the thing you're describing sounds like a cult. And she said, cult is just short for culture.

Yeah. The fact that she had that in the fucking chamber meant she knew she was in a goddamn cult. And the fact that Michael Cleo has fear is just, just fandy ink, doobo dooboo, whatever that thing is, whatever that experience. The fact that he's got that in the chamber means he knows.

Right, for when women tell him that they fear him, yes. Yeah, basically. Well, that's just false evidence appearing real. Yes. That's what that is. You know, I was afraid of you, but you had a cute little acronym. Yes. Let's free me from Satan's Matrix.

So, yeah. But she finally, she agrees to take the keys from him, right? Which is what he's trying to get her to do. So she takes the key, but then Satan appears in lump form once again and traps them in a force field. Yep. And now they have an argument with Satan about Satan's jurisdiction. Yes. Like a shitty cop film.

Yeah. Like, God damn it, Satan. I want your badge and gut on my desk by Monday morning. Right. And throughout the movie, it was like, oh, what Satan's doing is illegal. What's Satan doing is illegal? What the fuck are you? Okay, what rules?

Can you tell me the rules, please? Right. you're going to sue him? Yeah. Who the fuck? Who serves Satan? Right? What the fuck are we even talking about?

Yeah. So, but yeah. So, but Satan, he gets him trapped. And of course, he tempts him because it's Satan, right? That's his thing. Right? He's trying to tempt him. John, he's like, hey, man, my hands are straight up.

We've gone to a great deal of trouble to establish that I have laser hands and there's a UFO with a tractor beam right above me. He shoots it, but that doesn't work. Fucking UFO. It's the only use of the fireheads we ever see it. It doesn't fucking work. It doesn't fucking work. And a fucking work.

And a fucking. a fucking UFO, bro, I thought I was tripping balls when I saw this shit. But, right, but of course he uses a UFO because a UFO was one of the things that he had there. One of the free assets available. Wow. Wow. That's amazing.

I'm learning so much about this program that I never wanted to learn. Honestly, podcast listener, if you want to get into the deep lore of this movie, just go ahead and Google character animator Adobe free assets. and you will find every character and object in this movie. First Google page, no second page needed.

So, but at this point, Satan says he tells him that he will give them Sophia's soul in exchange for John the Revelyde. Right? That's the deal he's willing to make. And there's this great exchange where Michael goes, there has to be another way. And John says, like you said, there is no other way. And I'm like, no, that's unlike what he said. That's the opposite of what I said, John.

You might be the revelator. That's why they don't call you John the listener. Tell you that. We talked about this, John. Dr. Gruber told us that. But John agrees. He's like, no, you can have me give back Sophia. So Michael teleports back all bummed that he's lost John.

Right? He's like, oh, I'm going to be in so much trouble on that. It's like in a huff. He teleports back and he's like, it's so bad. It's like fucking James Roald Jones just know what the end of the fucking June.

Shut up. But then Sophia wakes up. Michael teleports in. He's like, you did it. And he's like, God did it. But he actually fucked it up because now we have to save John. Lost John.

Now the movie's about essentially the same thing. But a different person. Yeah, exactly. Right. We've just switched McGuffins is all that we did. Yep. So, but yeah. Bianica's like,

oh, man, we'll save John. We're all on a team now or whatever. Yeah, even though they haven't been doing shit the entire movie says they got their fucking armor. Right. Yeah, exactly. Give them the armor and now they don't want to do a goddamn thing. Picking their wedgies out of their fucking Power Rangers outfits. But I guess now they're in.

Right. Bullshit. But then the Rooak bot appears and is like, oh, no, the book of Revelation has disappeared. And they're like, oh, fuck, that one really tied the Testament together. Oh, God damn it. Sophia, did you write any books of the Bible? So we probably should have just left you in there.

In the coffee shop situation. Like, no offense, Sophia. Would you be willing to write the book of Revelation? I mean, she can't do worse. Right, yeah, really, honestly, yeah. I'm looking at your resume here and it says, worked in a coffee shop inside. Satan's mind for a thousand years.

And I just don't know how that's really, I don't know how that's going to help us here at Meta. Right. So yeah, but then she explains that they got to go back into Satan's mind and get, you know, John Mack. And there's a moment here where clearly like he had written

some lines, then he had subtracted out some stuff and left some stuff. And because Ruach bought it. So at one point just goes, just apropos of nothing. She says, you have one. You have me. But like, there is no, like, one what? There isn't a scene.

Yeah, it's not, it is as though he, like, found a cool asset of, like, a cool sword that he was going to introduce, and then after 40 minutes of trying to animate it and he was like, fuck it, we're just going to keep the angel's reaction and we're moving on. I'm Michael Cleo, damn it.

I don't know time for this. Name changes every time you say it now. I was going to say this. I don't want to give you notes on the podcast because I'm new, but yeah. Damn it, Vin. Sorry. Vin Cleo

Miss Cleo's husband A lot of people don't know this but Vin is Miss Cleo's husband Also if you get that reference You are 80 You have to hold your back like I do So but Ruehachbond explains that this is actually

all part of God's plan This was how God was showing John what the end of the world was going to look like so he would know to write about in Revelation. Get it? Yes. It's just like that time

that Moses, Elijah, and Jesus all met through time travel on the top of Mount Transfiguration. Exactly. It's exactly like that. The fuck that even fucking means. And it's like, okay,

God, so you got had this guy right. So I'm so fucking confused because did John write the shit that he saw and then the book was created from there? Or did God tell him what to write?

And then he wrote it down and then it's probably what the fuck? Well, also, like, if he was trying to describe like 20, 23, he did a terrible job because there's no dragon coming out of the sea. There's no scorpion locust, yeah. Really got carried away with a lot of the stuff in there. He lost his fucking mind. He's just watching some TV the whole time. And he's like, fuck, is that due tomorrow?

He's watching anime. That's what it happened. Well, that's like, John started watching what it is. He watched guts. And was like, oh, my God. Satan is definitely behind this one. I don't think this one's us, guys. I'm going to go watch some more Sailor Moon.

Maybe seven sins, but honestly, even just the early part. But just then they hear a trumpet. It's one of the seals of the tribulation. But not because the tribulation is starting, but because Satan is trying to like prematurely tribulate. Yep. Yep. Right?

Because he thinks he's got some God-beating technology on his side now. Which we still haven't seen, by the way. No, this is plot number five. Yeah. He's got some God-beaten technology to whoop Jesus's ass or whatever. What is it, bro? Yeah. Break it out.

You're drawing this shit now. Draw the shit. Draw the fucking an aider or whatever the fuck, you know? And this is, of course, where the Rooak bot explains once again that what Satan's doing is illegal. It's not even allowed to cook a fucking barbecue in the park at this time of that. And then she tells everybody, she's like, you know, okay, I want to send you into the synagogue of Satan. But if you have so much as a mustard seed of fear or doubt, you'll be trapped in Satan's mind forever. Pin in that.

Right. So, okay. And then Michael says, and I quote, Michael Cleos, the archangel says, there ain't nothing to it but to do it. Yeah. Fuck. You wanted to add that wisdom to. who is. Get up and get down on the good foot.

Isn't what the high archangel says? What you talk about Satan or what you talk about? Any point in time. Moving on down? Because it's hell? Send us back to fucking slave times. Michael, you fuck. She goes like, and by the way, because you're going to be in Satan's mind, you won't be able to use your

super speed. And I'm like, we don't know that he had super speed. That's news to us. I guess maybe when he saved the kid. Oh, with a bullet. Yeah, right. It's been a while since he's at super speed. Don't you worry, Ruach.

We had completely forgotten him. He's a cartoon. He became a cartoon since this is different. Like a movie, really. Yeah. Yeah, basically. And then, okay, and then we get the shot of, like, angel warriors coming to the earth.

It's very high end. It does not look at all, like, little balls just moving across the shitty thing. The show is fucking ass. Totally different. And then we cut to John. Hangin upside down on the cross And he's been there for 7,000 years. So way worse than Jesus had it.

If he has to be, Jesus is actually kind of a sissy. Well, he's also not crucified. He's very clearly just tied on there. And he just kind of looks bored. And I know that's a failure of animation. But also, there is no torture that after 7,000 years wouldn't just be completely bored. Yeah, right.

And like I said, Osiris chopped in a fucking bits. All right? Exactly. Yeah. So much better. Way cool. Way cool. Fucking bullshit cross.

By the way, Eli, I have to tell you this over and over again, but it's still crucified if you're just tied up there. I've told you that before so many times. No, it doesn't get. Everyone knows that it doesn't count unless you're nailed up there. They do this every year in the Philippines. Some guy ties himself up for an afternoon and he's like, oh, I am crucified like Jesus.

No, do it through the wrists or you don't mean it. Bleak the fuck out or else it doesn't count. Right, yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. Let me stab you in the side with this spear. Fucking Omabari-Nots. to a cross and you're like, I'm just like, right? It's way worse when Eli asks to stab him with a spear, though. It's way more problematic.

I believe it. I'm just trying to reenact it appropriately. You want to do a reenactment or not. I have tried to make that argument on your behalf. I do the hand rubbing first. Answer my Pharisee questions. They're pretty simple. Do you finger the spearhole too?

You finger in the spearhole too? If anyone ever said yes to the after party. Yeah, right. That is part of the thing. Well, the after part. I don't get invited. because they're church service on Easter apparently. So, okay, we're not getting into this right now, Vin.

There's a legal case pending. What they've set up in the movie, though, is that every minute that goes by on Earth is a thousand years that he has to hang upside down on this cross, right? But Satan will let him go. If he promises to rewrite the book of Revelation in such a way that Satan wins, it doesn't make any fucking sense.

Why would that matter? So John is the most powerful beat. in all of existence. Apparently. Because he can rewrite whatever the fuck he wants and it just fucking happens. I guess. Also, when you say rewrite it

so that it wins, does that mean like I get to rewrite it and you're just going to take it as is? Or do we have to do a round of notes? Because I would honestly rather be crucified upside down for 7,000 more years than have someone be like, yeah, no, I love this. But just like what I was picturing was no, God damn.

Just buy yourself a copy of final draft and I'll punch it up. Fuck. So then we get to, we cut to Michael and the gang, reaching the synagogue as Satan, right? They teleport into John. There's this great moment where Michael spins him right up, right side up, like Price's right wheel style. Right.

And again, that's like he was like, oh, wow, oh, wow, look, guys, I could rotate 180 degrees, one degree at a time. Yeah, it's pretty cool. So, but they're like, all right, let's go. And they teleport away, but Satan has due. duped them and they've teleported into a bottomless pit. Yeah, we've, now Satan is getting into fucking roadrunner-esque techniques to foil the angels. Come on, guys, through this hole.

I just saw a train go in there. Satan's got to be on the other side, smack. Yeah. Right. But they're all falling. Their puppets are all falling. Right. So picture this.

Their character animator puppets are just waving their arms randomly in space. Yep. And Satan explains that now. they're just going to fall for thousands of years and I wanted so badly for it to flash forward and for Michael to just be like okay I'm thinking of a thing is it the infinite

blackness of the void it is the infinite blackness of the boy your turn you guys want to do a play let's put on a play I almost I almost went with best worst final battle in the heavens because then we have this moment where there's like there's these little balls that are coming down

from heaven these little balls that are coming up from hell and they're just meeting in the middle and exploding and that's it. That's it. Yeah. Not quite Pac-Man graphics. No. Yeah. What do you?

Like, I don't even know what the fuck they were trying to say. Like, I kind of just blinked out at this point. I was like, I don't even know what that fuck that is. So I don't give a fuck anymore. I feel like it's angels are coming down from heaven and then Satan is firing off

Patriot missiles to catch them or something like that. Yeah. Okay. Cool, cool, cool. It's a prediction of the Iran war. Yeah, I was about to say. We watch it. for like 20 goddamn seconds though.

But then so we cut back to Michael. He's now alone in this bottomless pit. I guess the girls like swam away from him. They're like, he's a fucking creep. Fucked right the fuck off. I'm not spending a thousand years next to a falling Michael Cleo. No, no. I'm fucking.

So, but then Rewak bot shows up and he's like, everything's fucked and we're totally fucked and everything sucks. And I'm like, ooh, looks like a mustard seed of doubt to me. Keep in mind the whole time the puppet is just... Flopping. Flopping through space. Wacking, inflatable arm flailing tube, man. If there were a chance of gravitas, it is being destroyed actively.

Right there in our fucker faces. They're playing in our fucking face. But Rewak is like, there's no way out. Rewak Bada's like, I have teleport powers. So do you. What the fuck are we doing? Teleport powers, Ryan, gone. So they teleport to Satan's construct,

which is exactly like the construct in the matrix, but not legally protected, apparently. But there's not Colonel Sanders there, so you can't sue me. And this is where you learn that Satan, see, God saw all this shit coming. Sometimes Satan was going to get out of hand. So he worked out a plan. Should this ever happen?

Satan has a reset button. And whenever Satan gets two out of hands, they just zoop into his construct and reset him. him. Yep. I lost my fucking mind. And Michael Cleo says, how often have you done this? This will be the 45,666 time. Yes.

I was like, so all you had to do was just going tongue punch fucking Satan's button. I was like, oh yeah, that's right. Satan was in the body of a woman, so he probably couldn't fucking find it. So that's what? For a thousand years, they've been looking for that button. Yeah. Right.

think about how boring that is if you are ruach and you're aware of that right it's just like everyone else is reacting to the end of the world and you've got to be like hey guys this happens i've done the math this happens about 30 times a year so we do not need to in any way shape or form think about this is this is more frequent than Christmas for me so just everyone calm down it'll be fine well and but there's also this great moment where where where Michael goes, oh, you mean so when we press this button, all the things that he's done will be undone and everyone will be forgiven. And she's like, yes, except wait, not everybody.

The mom took the mark of the beast, so she's fucked. No coming back from that. Yeah, fuck her. Yeah. Even when you're possessed, apparently that counts. And Demetrius, the angel, he's still fucked because the angels don't have a Jesus. Nobody died for their sins. Yeah.

So they're one and done. she just doesn't want to admit that she was mad because she didn't get offered any fucking ice cream that's what the problem is. Oh, there it is. And then Michael Cleos is like, hey, apropos of nothing, and I mean truly nothing, because there's nothing happening in the movie right now.

What about people who only worship Jesus so they don't go to hell? And Rock is like, no, doesn't count. Doesn't count. No. And then I'm like, well, then what's the point of hell? Right? If it's not supposed to serve as a disincentive,

what is it doing there? No, you got to want to. So you have to want to hang out with my friends. You can't just hang out with my friends. You have to come up with fun ideas that you and my friends and I can do together. And then you like fucking insane. So this is the point in the movie where like honestly, notes fail me because it just, just Michael Cleos crazy is at us for five minutes. Right.

He's just explaining his take on Christ and the afterlife and everything. And it's just fucking nuttery. It's moved to another subway car nuttery for five solid minutes. If someone talked to you like this in person, you'd be like, oh, yeah, interesting. Can you name five things you can smell and five things you can touch and five things you can hear? Right. My immediate go to is, do you smell toast right now? Yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah. So, and also, this is a minor thing. And all of the fuckups of this movie, this is such a minor one to pick out. but he's got his like face. So the Rewak character is just a mask, right? It's just a face mask of a character. And he's got it inverted. And he doesn't know that because when you look at something,

a mask that's inverted straight on, it looks the same. So he keeps turning away from him, but he can't tell that the thing is turning away because he's got it inverted. So it's just, I'm sorry. Like I said, very minor. Of all the fuck ups, he makes, that's a minor one to select out,

but it cracked me the fuck up. Okay. So they push the boot button to reset the universe. Which looks exactly like the easy button from Staples. And I want to talk about my favorite thing. Perhaps my favorite thing about this movie is the second to last 10 seconds. Because this movie currently, as I am watching it, is 59 minutes and 50 seconds long. And we get a white screen for nine seconds.

And then the movie. Nothing else happens. Nothing else. Got to get that tube money. He hits that fucking button and everything turns white. and it just stays there for an insanely long amount of time. And by the way, it was not 10 fucking seconds, Eli, I shit you not. I measure this.

It is one minute and 40 seconds of white. Fuck yeah, Michael. Yeah, it is. Get that bag. One minute, 46. Because fuck us. The music has long since stopped when the credits start on it. Oh, 100%.

And I was like, oh, oh, you motherfucker. You son of a bitch. Like, no, you fucking didn't. You just keep going forward, 10 seconds, forward 10 seconds, forward to it. And it's still white. It's amazing. It's fucking incredible. Eli only thought it was 10 seconds because he added on a six times speed at that point.

I did. Yeah, no. I'm. So, okay. But just, but hey, for those of you who watch along or who listen along and are looking for a fun movie to break out to like,

you know, joke with your friends, this is a. perfect movie for that. If your friends are, you know, terrible and you want to torture them. If you never want friends again. If you hate these motherfuckers, break this up.

Right. If you want, if you want, yeah, exactly, if you want rid of your friends, this is a great way to go. All right.

Well, Vin, thank you so much for trauma bonding with us this afternoon. It's been a blast. It's been great. And just quick, what we got you here.

Can you remind the audience where they can go to hear more from you? So you could go to our website, Blacknerculturecast.buzzprow.com. You can find us at any podcast, Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your podcast. And if you have any problems or if you got, you know, you want a piece of me, you can email us at the B&Ccast. Interesting. Okay.

You know, we've never had a guest offer to fight our audience before. This is an entree. Other than Eli. Yeah, no, okay. And of course, no need to memorize all that will have it all in the show notes as well. in. Thank you so much, man. It's been a blast having you on. It's been great. Thank you so much for having me. And while it's going to do it for our

review of Keys of the Kingdom, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to step on this same rake again next week. So tell us, Eli, what's on deck? An adopted Viking orphan becomes a carpenter's apprentice to Jesus whose mentorship reshapes his life as he balances

faith and fighting. We'll be watching the long-awaited MMA Jesus fighting movie that is The Carpenter. Oh, it's been way too long. Yes. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 554 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Venn from the Black Nerd Culture Podcast for hanging out with us today. Be sure to check out the show notes for links to hear more from him and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. I'll find out of their own access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving us. a five-star review, and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms, and if you enjoyed this show, be sure check out our civilly shows, the scaling a, a citation, A, and T and D-D-Mindus, and the Skepterkind of Avila wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you get a email, Godoffelmovem, and movies, and Gmail.com, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Salatnik of Bufels on Mars, all the other music on Mars, all of the other music on Mars,

all of the other music, all of the other music, and was written and work in permission. Thanks again for giving us to check your life this week. I'm not listening to promise to work hard or earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Satan went on to get routinely dicked down so that he wouldn't act up until the reeling times. Right? Rihanna went on to share some weird stories with her coven.

Michael Cleo joined the synagogue of Satan after converting. Come with us, Michael. Join us. So you and I, Eli, we're going to do a podcast called The Black and the Jewelis, right? Yeah. All right. All right. All right.

Just a new Sure. I'm so glad you added in, aka Klessy, Vin, because I wrote that in and we had not met and I was like,

I'm asking him to do Michael Cleos' voice twice and I feel like asking him to introduce himself as Klessy, verges on the problematic. And I was like,

no he did fucking call himself pleasing. I listened to his entire album in reverent silence. Okay. It is pronounced cleesey though, like yeezy and all that shit. Oh, okay. Like all admirable artists we can name who rhyme with that. Yeah.

All right. Or a friend's ad. I wonder if he's Clay now. Hi. Okay. Love you. Sorry. She just forgets that I have her cords.

Yeah. Oh, you love your life. It's only been 11 years. It's only been 11 years and it's only the same time every single. Yeah, every week. I'm so patient. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249455 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.