God Awful Movies - 555: The Carpenter

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

This week, we team up for an atheist review of The Carpenter, the story of Jesus as told through an MMA fight club in Nazareth, complete with anachronisms that would seem like a bit much to Fred Flintstone.---Support us for Maytreon!---If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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Let's go. Booster juice. Canadian born blending since 1999. Their one Christian friends sat them down. They were like, I'm so much for Bionis Pizza Hut, man. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, I know that the image of Christ on the cross looks a lot like an arm bar. Oh, yes, exactly.

You can't have so many of those. You can't. What were you saying? Have him teach them an arm bar and then look at the camera and say, call forward. Yeah. I'm going to take my cameras back. you do. A awful movie.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, so we'll be more resistant to torture if we ever become spies. I'm your host, Noah Lusions, and sitting 700 miles from my immediate left as my good friend, Heath Enright, Heath, welcome back. Thanks, Noah. We're going to be talking about some karate or karate, very exciting. Yeah. Spies could be useful.

That's the most hurtful thing we're going to say to the makers of this movie, all week. Everything. They're going to be like, really, karate? Begin email. You think it's karate. You idiots think this was about karate. Oldie karate.

Yeah. Chat GPT, begin to compose. And, of course, that voice comes from 900 miles to my northeast and belongs to my bad friend Eli Vosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Kumata, Kumata, Jumata. There we are. Of course, obviously.

Jumata. Wrote that in my notes. And of course, also joining us this week is electricity, which is provided by our patrons. And it's May, which means it's the month that we ask you extra hard to join their ranks. Signing up to be a patron in May comes with all kind of perks in the form of weird shit you can make us do. Check the link in the show notes for more details. And if you enjoyed this show and would like to hear the 100 plus Patreon-only exclusive episodes that we've recorded over the years, please consider becoming a supporter.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Jumetee, the movie that Eli stole just now. It's about the ancient Israeli MMA. We watched The Carpenter from 2023. It's the greatest story ever told about the origin of the UFC. Also, Christ died for your sins or whatever. Whatever. P.S. Christ died too.

They do not get around to reminding us of that. Not really. And Eli. how bad was this movie? Well, if you love MMA and finally want to make a kick-ass movie about your sweet punching kick skills but you

promise your mom that you'd use the money she loaned you to talk about Jesus and stuff because she's gotten like super religious after your dad ODED. You will love this movie. They're having a hard time the guys remember.

Yeah. Oh yeah. And continue. to, yeah. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best, to be the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst symbol of Jesus Christ. Sure. Of Nazareth. Those exist in real life. They went, he got a symbol? He's got one going? Yeah, no, he's got, well, he's got multiple symbols. Yeah. The cross is a pretty popular one, for example. Quick question. Question, Eli. Yes.

Just for me. Is any of them the worst child's drawing of a bird you ever done seen? I've never known that to be a symbol of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. They went with the Twitter icon. Really? Similar to what do you like describe? They're like, Musk isn't using it. What? He didn't want it.

Yeah. So it's speaking of the Twitter icon showing up, I'm going to go with best, worst, anachronisms. Now, so to a certain extent, going after the anachronisms in this movie is like, you know, going after the historical accuracy in Hamilton, because they didn't sing like that back then. The whole point of this is it's anachronisms, but the extent and the way that they get there

and the things that they don't know are anachronisms are just fucking hilarious and all that sustained me through this hour and 50 minutes of fucking bullshit. It's also crazy because there was wrestling and there was a coliseum and they were like, no.

No. Platform. M&A. The oldy MMA. Oh, yeah. And I'm going to go with something. I'm going to go out on a limb here. I'm going to be brave and say,

best, best, this is gay porn. Sure the fuck is. Yes. This movie is already in the hands of Tubey, which means the amount the makers of this movie were paid for ownership is in the 11s of dollars. You could have made so much more money if this is porn.

When they are done with it. And Tubi, I know you are listening. We would like to, borrow this footage to make a deeply compelling gay porn. Yeah. Because I think there's the bones, as they say in gay porn are there. We just need to put in the holes.

Yes, absolutely. Jesus said it's all about service, right? No, he did. And washing feet. So, all right. So, well, given the gay porn revelation here, I know at least some of you need a minute to loob up. So we're going to take quick break back in a minute with all the

hilariously misguided blasphemy that he is The Carpenter. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Well, and then, so I told him the actually that the original rocket had J5 thrusters. Oh, yeah, you do see. Hey, are you okay, man? You've been yawning a lot.

Yeah, sorry, I've just, I've been up late. Oh, really? Why's that? So, you remember the other day when I said we should take our Matrion money and put it on roulette? and then Heath was like super mean about it to me. Well, he explained why that was a terrible. So I just been like playing that argument out over and over in my head. It's just really bothering.

It wasn't an argument so much as he just flipped a coin and showed that you can be wrong. It's not the point. The point is that like I am mad and have spent a lot of time feeling that way. Well, Eli, have you considered talking to a therapist about it? A therapist? But sure, I say. Whatever's keeping you up at night. It's easy to feel like you have to figure.

it all out on your own. But the truth is no one has all the answers and no journey should be alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand, and to support you can make all the difference. That does sound better than trying to to rhyme tally with baldy. And if you're thinking of giving therapy a try,

you should consider online therapy with Better Help. What's? Better Help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means that they typically get it right the first time.

If you're not happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. All right, Noah. Where do I sign up? You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better AGLP.com slash awful.

All right, Noah. Thanks. Hey, guys. You want to finish up the podcast? Yeah, sorry. Eli and I were just talking. You want to throw our money in the trash again? Bolly!

Sorry, what? Nothing. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first writer's room meeting for Fight Back from Blood to Bone. All right. Guys, I've got terrible news. Oh, what is it, Kyle?

So, you know how my uncle is, like, super religious? Yeah. Well, I guess he said we can't make fight back from blood to bone because it doesn't... Honor the Lord. Sorry, what? Dude, I turned down my summer job. I know, guys.

I know. Me too. This sucks. Wait, I got an idea. What if we made our M.MA movie? Like, about Jesus. How? I don't know.

Maybe it's like, um, like an MMA fighter. Like, like, new Jesus. You know, casually. Like, like, as a disciple? No, like, uh, like work friends. Sorry. You want to make a show. straight up and down MMA movie about a guy who is work friends with Christ of Nazareth.

Yes. Yes, I do. Let's do it. Hell yeah. Here we go. Does anybody know anything about Jesus? I do not. I think it's pronounced Jesus.

Let's Google it. Risk control. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to open up on a title card informing us that in this movie, we're going to see Jesus in a small venue before you got big, right? Hipster Jesus, damn it. Exactly, right. It says Jesus began his ministry as the Anointed Christ once he became 30 years old.

They capitalized anointed but not Christ there. Yeah. Interesting. Which weirded me the fuck out. Man, he started at 30 getting into like, you know, being a savior. He almost got into that like 30 under 30 at like ancient Israeli disruptor man. It just didn't quite make the line there. You know there was a guy who was like thinner coins on the front of the magazine that year.

And Jesus was like, fuck. Got to get into crypto. The coins are actually bits. So then we get this like credits bit where we're seeing all of our various profits, I guess. Right. So it goes like Adam and Eve, 4,000 BC. And I'm like, okay, so we're going fucking YEC out of the gate. It goes Enoch 3,000 BC.

And I'm like, really? we just second place is Enoch here. Enoch is our next choice. Do you think it's because he has wrestling in the story? I feel like it's because he has wrestling in the story, right? And then we get Noah, Abraham, Moses, and then birth of Christ. Fucking Jesus. Also some fighter guy.

Nobody between Moses and Jesus really had anything to say. But I did like, I loved how they had gears up for everybody else except for birth of Christ, but they didn't put up like one AD or 3B.C or whatever. Jesus because they know how stupid that looks. Guys, this will turn into like so many emails. I don't. I, we just can't say numbers. Our shit's made up. Right. So then we

fucking rock and roll drone shot our way into an MMA fight. Fuck, yeah, we do. A completely modern, and again, like, I knew this was a Jesus MMA movie, but we talked about it a little at the intro. I assumed it was going to be like,

you know, Greco-Roman wrestling. Yeah. That they did, Like he learned MMA. Maybe I had a secret hope that Jesus would let slip a little of modern MMA technique. He does not, by the way, spoilters. No. I feel like in the first script he did. But no, everybody's just ancient Israeli fucking tie boxing. Yes.

If the Savior had been like hoist Gracie and he like began inventing BJJ, I'd be like, okay. There's something there. Yeah, we'd do it when at least we would have added something to the world. By his Gracie. There you go. So, yeah, so, but we watch some biblical ground and pound and some biblical karate as if to say, buckle up, fellow, you, this ain't your father's Jesus movie. Yeah. I liked that the background people at this fight were exactly like the background people in Street Fighter 2 doing like repeated over and over.

Yeah. Arm up, arm up, arm up, arm up. No, 100%. They were. We get a little bit of Noah's best worst here with the best, best ancient modern things. We see someone training on boxing pads, but they're brown. Yes, right. Those are leather.

Probably leather from a cow. Corsets. So it's older because corsets and leather. Yep. So we're going to meet our hero, Orrin. Orin is a suspiciously white guy. Don't worry, they explain it in the story. Thank you.

Okay. This moment was so funny because it's the big reveal. of the badass in the movie, right? It's the fighter and he's turned around away from camera. He's got the hood over, you know, the boxing robe with the hood. And then he turns around, badass fighter, it's Seth fucking Green.

It's Seth Green. It's Seth Green. Yep. It's Danny Bonaducci, the badass fighter. It's like roided up. You know how sometimes you'll see a female starlet who has done Ozambic without telling anybody and you're like, oh, no, you changed your whole face.

This is like if Seth Green did roids, right? Like in the time since we last saw Seth in the Dr. Evil 9. It's like that first time you saw a carrot top after whatever the fuck happened. Yeah, right. Yes. Yeah. We also have to talk about the fact. And look, I know this man can and probably would given the opportunity punch me to death.

But I'll die for a cause. This man has the eighth dumbest face I've ever seen. Truly, it's Tucker Carlson levels of permanent, huh? It is. It is. And all of his acting choices are so ha. Yeah. Every scene he looks like he's trying to activate telekinetic powers that just worked for the first time.

What is that thing on the tripod pointing at me all the time? This is whatever. I'll figure it out. Do I punch that? So we see him warming up for his fight. And then we cut to his parents, right? And there are like, you know, mom's upset that the boys aren't home doing chores. They're off fighting in the town square.

And dad stops. He gets to the top of the roof to do his chores. And he's like, you know, it's a good life. and I love our sons, and I will not die in the next scene. I'm not going to die. We like being alive. I'm here. We are the Judean dream.

Nothing will ever go wrong because God and I'm dead. Also, our son is adopted. That's why he's white. He refers to them as their two strong adopted sons. And I was like, hey, fun fact, we actually don't refer to our kids as adoptive. We just refer to them as our kids. Just our kids, yes. So, but before we can kill Dad,

if we have to go back to the fight, we watch this Roman soldier is watching Oren, you know, when ye oldie bell rings for the beginning of the fight. Yeah. Don't worry, it's realistic, because they have a sand ramp timer, yes. So weird one, too.

The sand, they show it, and the sand immediately starts going way too fast and they have to cut away because the fight would be over. Of course! Right away. Because the sand timer is a very specific invention. You can't just let sand fall from one container to another. That's just gravity.

As a measurement of time. 9.8.8 meters for second squared. Yep, that's it. Did they feel like they didn't have, first of all, did they feel like sand timers were too modern? Or two, did they feel like they didn't have copyright on sand time? I guess. Right, right, right.

What happened is originally they just brought the one from outburst or whatever and somebody's like, that doesn't look right. No, that's yellow plastic and it says bazinger on it. It got crazier in. In later parts of the movie, like the device became more complicated. Oh, where it has two layers towards the end? It's like a Rude Goldberg machine and there's like a mouse trap. Yeah, well, that's for the pro levels.

You get the full mouse trap at the pro level. So we watch Oren get his ass kicked for a little while. This movie will just do the sort of perfunctory, you know, guy fights and he's getting his ass kicked and then nothing happens and now he's winning, right? Of course. Naturally, yeah. He also. Because he refuses to lose Noah.

Yeah, exactly. He refused to lose in that. that means win, right? So like he's all that. Obviously, if you refuse to lose. I like that he shaved his chest in ancient Israel somehow for this. Must be tough.

You gotta really want that shit. You gotta really get the right sheep's tooth. Yeah. A lot of deaths from trying to shave something. A lot of manscaping related deaths. It was teeth manscaping tuberculosis. Yeah. So then we go back to dad.

Well, and then falling off your roof, right? So we go back to dad. He's up on the roof. drops his hammer, and as he's getting off, the ladder slips and he's hanging for tear life, we go back to the fight, right? It's weird. Dad's death is weirdly schmackety-do. It is.

Absolutely. It's like an infomercial, the way he drops his little hammer mallet thing. Yeah? For no reason off the side. And then he, like, kind of dives after him. He misses. And then he's hanging off the roof. His ass is hanging out because he's got, you know,

whatever old time he robs. He has like an endangered child at the beginning of the movie moment where he's like, eh, right? Like Batman or Spider-Man was supposed to swoop in. Sure. And also like he's like, hangs there for a really long time and he could just be like, Han, because we just saw the wife, right?

The wife is just over there. He could have just been, hon, grab the ladder. I need you to lie down underneath me. So, but yeah, you could have just called her. He could have grabbed the ladder, but no. And not only does he fall off the fucking roof, but then like the big board that he's working with falls off after him and we hear like a splurt sound.

Yeah, the fucking pillar falls on his face and he does like a yeah. Yeah, and there's a kind of a yeah, it's amazing. Wiley coyotes walking by. Oh. So but we cut back to the fight, right? We hear the dad splat and then we go back to Orrin. And his brother Levi is like his corner man, right?

Orrin wins the fight. And on their way out, they banter with the Roman soldier. The Roman soldier tells Orin, he thinks he should check out the real fighting pits where the real action is up in Nazareth. Don't worry. The fact that this will later not be the real fighting pits, they will be at the conclusion of the movie,

won't affect the movie at all. And the fact that he was going to wind up in Nazareth, whether or not this guy says it's just so stupid. It's stupid for the sake of stupid. It's okay. We get Oran Levi walking home, not a care in the world. with a terrible face bruise going on.

I don't know if they pissed off their makeup guy or if they just didn't spend real money on it, but we've got some fucking Halloween adventure bruising going on here. I think these are brothers in real life, the actors and they wrote it. Yeah. Like, they clearly did real fights and somebody went too hard and got punched.

The other guy got on mad. That's why it's a real, it's just a real eye injury. Yeah. But then, so, but they get home, of course, mid banter, and they see that, well, I don't even know what they see that the ladder's down and they're like, oh, I bet dad fell and then mom drug him inside and he's dying now, or I guess. Do you think he got splatted by a big pillar? I bet he got splatted by a big pillar.

Yeah. So, but he's not dead yet. He's just dead enough to give them dying words before he, you know, fucks off all the way. Okay, these were funny. So the dying words to Levi, it was like, you got to take mom to Nazareth to be cared for by uncle. sure are or whatever. And then to Orrin, he's like, hey, no, I have dying words for you too, but I wasn't going to skip you.

You need to get a real job. You're a piece of shit. Great, great. He's like, he says, you know, Levi, take care of your mother. Orrin, I don't, just something, man. Just anything. Just find some use for your existence. Go with them.

Maybe they'll have a couch. You're good with those. Such a good heart. Does podcasting exist? yet? No. All right. Well, kind of out of luck then. And then dad dies and I wrote my notes. I should have met Jesus earlier. But we learned later that he knew Jesus. I'm like, so you knew

the magic healer this whole time. Weird. They do the shirt tearing thing when dad dies. Yeah. Okay. Just the boob of their shirt. So this is a real Jewish morning custom to tear the clothing. You tear like a little bit of your shirt? Yeah, you tear a little bit Okay, does that go badly pretty regularly because somebody can't get it to start? First of all, you know how good. Right, we can't get it to stop.

Okay, so here's the thing that's amazing. Jews, obviously, we're not wasting shirts left and right. And we love tricking our God. So what Jews do is we take a little like cloth armband and we rip that. And then we tie it on and we're like, I'm wearing something. It's ripped down a string. This counts. It's 100% real.

That is 100% what people do. Okay, but see, here's the thing. I was really hoping that you guys either didn't know about that customer forgot and that you thought the actors were just doing like a restrained Hulk Hogan. Yeah, it's pretty hokalicious. My dad's dead, brother. Roar. All right, so the next morning, Orrin and his mom are getting ready to leave Kana for Nazareth.

And mom has some tree planting wisdom for him, I guess. Right, where she tells him to follow his heart and find, peace. Okay, so this movie, because it was written by idiots, tries to combine two scenes and creates a hilarious scene. So mom is like, Oren, you are like a branch that was

grafted on through a tree. That's an accurate voice, by the way that Eli's doing. He's not doing it is. I pray that you'll find peace, right? And then Oren is supposed to have the, I'm so sad, my dad is dead, I throw a hammer scene. Yes, all right. The problem is they have those two scenes in the same moment. So mom goes,

I pray that you find peace. And he throws a hammer. And he's like, Mama! And mom's like, okay, not a great start. Maybe later, maybe later you find things.

Oh, well, you know what? Places to go up, right? We're starting at hammer throw right next to Mom. And maybe we move up from there. And then we truly learn what we're dealing with this film in the next scene, right? Because we get Levi, his family's now there to pack Mom up

and move her to Nazareth or whatever. And this is where Levi tells Orrin about the Jerusalem Invitational. The Jerusalem Invitational. They have the All Valley in this movie. It's so fucking good. They keep talking about it. Oh, I had it as the All Valley of the Shadow of Death. Yeah.

Yeah. Also, we see him playing a little of his guitar here. Yes, it's lute. He will never actually play the guitar in the movie, which means actor who plays Orrin with his big dumb face was like, I actually play the guitar. Can that be in the movie? And they were like, yeah, man. play of something and he was like,

Gling. Wait. I know the intro to enter Sandman. Can I do the intro? Do you though? Exit, right. So for the entire movie. You know a lot of like, you know, modern music theory and like tonal

stuff on that, huh? But for the rest of the movie, every time that actor is resting, he will pull out his loot and toodle around. Yes. Like, you're your friend's older brother who never leaves his parents' basement. It's amazing, yeah.

But yeah, but no, of course, Levi doesn't think Orrin has what it takes to win at the Jerusalem Invitational. To get to that, you have to fight a number of fights and, like, move up in the rankings. That's varsity Judaism right there. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So, okay, so they arrive at Nazareth. This is where we're going to meet their uncle. What was the uncle's name?

Heath, you had it. Sharrar. Sharr, okay. I just have Ms. Unk through the whole thing. By the way, I have Oren as Quigon Ginger. Yes. Fantastic. He's so silly looking.

Amazing. So, yeah, so they're at Unx House and he turns to Quigon Ginger and he goes, like, so, you know, what are you going to do for work now that you're here? That's actually the plot of the movie to this point, right? And he's like, oh, well, you know, I'm going to be an MMA fighter. And mom's like, yeah, they're not going to invent that, though, for like 1,000 plus 8, 19, rings in a thing or something like that i'd we need a guy a ninja has to fight a sumo wrestler on straight to vhs it's a real there's a lot of really weird stuff that needs to happen before you're really influential with the president so but yeah but levi thinks orange should be a fighter what

with the refusing to lose thing doing so well and the uncle is like well you know it's just happens that I run all of the big fights in town and I'm like, what a coincidence. He's Cana White. Yes. Well done, sir. All right. So, okay. So that night we get Oren settling into his room with his little loot.

He busts out his little loot. He's a lute guy at the party. God, he's the worst. And Uncle Chirar comes in and he's like, oh, cool. You're going to play at night. I invited you to my house. I'm going to literally. I'm going to literally take that away from you.

You're going to really badly play the loot at night? Not a lot of soundproofing at this point in history, just so you know, it's not like it's pretty easy to hear what's happening in the middle. Sure, but yeah, but then he takes away his loot. Do you know, enter Sandman? And then he's like, he's like, you know, there's a preliminary fight for the Jerusalem Invitational tomorrow

if you want to come in. And he's like, well, I do. I do want that. What is this system? It's an invitation. with prelons. There's an open prelimm tomorrow. There's an open.

You just fucking take all comers. I wanted there to be one guy who just totally doesn't belong there. Hi. Moise Heigenbaum. I'm told anybody can show up and fight today. You have to let me. There you go.

Pip. Why do you have a gun? That's the second most historical part of the movie. So, okay, so then we cut to Orrin checking out the prelims, right? Everybody's like slow motion fighting and whatnot. And Orrin's like, oh, I can't fight, because I didn't bring all my fighting gear. Yeah, but, you know, first day at Nazareth Fight Club, you have to fight.

Exactly, exactly. So he's going to fight a do with fully modern tattoos. Yeah. Oh, tribal tattoos, tattoos that reference modern bands. It's fucking. Yeah, no, he's got a Star Wars tattoo in there. Yeah, right. It rules.

I bet it was around this point in shooting the movie that the one Christian associated this film was like, hey, guys, first of all, I'm loving all of this. Nice. Yeah, it's the best, right?

Yeah, no, when are they going to meet Christ of Nazareth? I don't know. We're getting there. To Jesus. You'll get to it? Yeah, we'll figure it out. Yeah, there's a rush.

There's no, he'll be in there. He'll be in over five. Okay. Christ. Jesus. Our Savior? It's like a cameo. Okay. Yeah, no. It's like, I think he's more than a cameo, right?

I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger has more lines in the expendables than Jesus has in this movie. It's okay. So, yeah, like the extent to which this is just a fully modern fight cannot be exaggerated, right? Like, they go to their corners when the bell rings and shit. There's a point here where. like we get as if Quigon Ginger didn't already look silly enough. He does his Yelie Flex thing,

you know, and that's when he like really turns it on and ground and pounds, yieldy ground and pounds the guy. Yeah. Importantly, let the bodies hit the floor comes on. Yes. And Quigon Ginger gets pumped up by the soundtrack music.

Yeah, I guess. And becomes all tough. Guys, we are white men from middle to lower middle class backgrounds. You cannot lie to me. say that when the body's at the floor. I jumped up. If I'm being honest, I jumped up. I immediately

genetically. I started shadow boxing. I did. If you need proof that there is no soul, watch a white guy listen to let the bodies hit the floor. They're just like, I started vibrating.

I was like, oh, no, it's like Roger Rabbit. It means nothing to me. You do that or Rocky music and I'm swinging. Yeah. I support the Gulf War. I supported the Gulf War that entire

montage. I don't know why. I don't even know why I don't honestly know where the Gulf War was is it the Gulf actually but I was a fan Storm and Norman so he wins he wins the fight and then we cut to a fucking baby goat as if to say to Chad's girlfriend

we know we know right okay you said you wanted to go see a Christian movie and I said I finally found one that I won't need to eat creatine on my popcorn during and now you're mad it's like I don't listen to you. So, yeah, right. So Orange shows up at like Town Square with another fake-ass-looking bruise,

and the Roman guards are giving him chase. Now, at the end of the fight, he, like, hit a Roman guard because he was so pumped up from let the bodies hit the floor or whatever. That lasts for like a day. It does. I ran out into the street and punched a cop too. No, I get you. I get you.

I was told to let the bodies hit the, what am I not going to follow? He was super nice about it because I was a white guy. He was like, were you listening to Let the Bodies at the floor? I was like, I'm really sorry. Oh, well, let me hit the, let me hit the floor. He wrote me the Let the Bodies hit the floor ticket. And he's like, ah, get out of here, Noggy. Then he shot a black guy in front of me.

That was so cool. That was great. So, but then the Roman guards give chase, and we get this, like, ridiculously long, boring Scooby-Doo hallway chase. Yes. Through Nazareth. What I love about this movie is that they can almost do all the things. they want to do, right?

They want to make an MMA movie, but they're not quite good enough at MMA for it to be interesting. And now they want to do a chase scene, but like, you know, we're not Apple cart tipping levels of good at our job. So there's just a bunch of like two chairs flipped over at the same time. They literally, they tip over an Apple table. There's like a table that's got a little bit of fruit on it.

It's amazing. Everything is so Timu in this whole goddamn thing. They keep like every time there's an action move where they actually had to put a mattress down for somebody. We see it in slow motion. Yeah. Right? So he's like,

he'll just push a guy and we see it in slow motion. We're like, well, that was just a shove. We don't need that in slow-mo. Real abuse of the slow-mo. I think they discovered it on their camera this day. Like, they were like, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

I thought it was like a feature you had to pay for, but I just pushed the button. We are so in. In slow-mo, just like a sad little push. It's like, hey, what the fuck, man? Right, yes. That's the big moment.

There is just enough time during his chase, though, to do a quick little lady flirt. He sees a lady and he, like, winks in her for a second. Like he's Brad Pitt running in Oceans 11 or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but then so he eventually, this whole chase has a very, like, fucking Assassin's Creed chase feel to it. He keeps just running like a little bit ahead of them and then trying to walk normally or whatever. But eventually he hides at some Randos porch.

And the guards show up and they're like, hey, has any rando been hiding on your porch? And that rando happens to be Jesus of Nazareth. Ripped Jesus. I didn't know it was him at first. I was like, oh, cool. Like ancient Israeli antifa guy isn't going to narc on Orrin. He's going to help him out. Right.

Yeah. Why didn't you recognize Jesus? Was there anything special about this movie's Jesus that might have confused you as to him being the prophet and the king of kings? Was it the fact that he? was a roided out Italian guy. Yeah, a beautiful porn star. Yeah,

that was confusing. A beautiful, hugely ripped, just like, hey, what's up? I'm the truth, the light. I paused and just laughed at Jesus for a while, and then I would calm down and turn back to my computer to continue our jobs and then

see what Jesus looked like again. I went through that cycle like four times. Yes, yeah. He's the really nice guy that, like, I've been to a gym once and I was new and like a really nice ripped guy was like way too nice about helping me set up one thing. That's who I'm looking at right now. Jesus.

Yes, 100%. No, he's fucking, he's poor man's Pedro Pascal and I don't mind being that poor man. Beggers will be choosers in this situation. Pedro Pascal's wager, am I right? Ah! Well done. So, yeah, so, but the Roman guards leave and then Oren walks in behind Jesus and Jesus is singing a little song like Jesus does, right, working on a table, right? Because he's a carpenter.

And then Jesus heals his little silly eye bruise. Mm-hmm. Right? He's like, yeah, no, I got into a fight. And Jesus holds a hand over his eye and he brings it back. And I'm like, oh, that's why the bruises look so bad. Yeah. The sex fantasy of these writers are just such a rich text. It's crazy. I bet there are people involved in this movie who don't know they're in love with each other. They just hang out a lot.

And their brothers in real life, I think. So that's not the best. But it's not the worst either. It's okay. Fuldrous crystals, are right? Yeah, right. Maxwell House? I forget.

But Jesus tells him he's got work for him if he comes back tomorrow. He's in need of a sexy apprentice. Right. So that night, Warren's in his bed, looting it up again. Right? I hate him so much. he gets up and he's examining his bruisless face in this perfectly clear silver-backed mirror that he's got. He's just got a perfect Tucker Carlson face.

He's just like, who is that? Yeah. Get out of my room. Get out of my room. No way. They told me this one belongs here. Did I get like magically healed? Cool, I guess.

I don't know. Whatever. Cool. So, but the uncle comes in to tell him about the story of his fight. pit, right? And he's like, you know, the only thing that really matters in a fight movie is training montages. You've got to do a bunch of those, right? He might as well be like, I'll fire up the montage, meet you there. And then they come right. Yeah. Well, but before they do, they have this amazing moment where he goes, you know, Orrin turns to his, his uncle and he goes, I don't fail.

And then he turns and just fucks up six loot notes in a row. I wanted him to trip and land on his Oh, fuck. This is what I was aiming for. I keep going. The fucking string broken. Hit me in the eye. I had to slaughter a lamb for the string. I got to go see Jesus real quick.

Do you think he yields? Jay Dog. Got a whole plank in there. I lost a string. So, okay. So, but then we get him jogging, right? We go to the training montage, a lot of jogging. But eventually he stops jogging in.

and a little girl happens by. Right? She's got the same kind of flower that was in the hair of the love interest that he winked at while he was in this chase scene earlier. And he says, Hey, little girl, nice flower.

And I'm like, oh, somebody hit him with mace. Like, oh, mace. Like, you don't have mace yet, but you have maces, right? Just pink and on a key chain. Yeah. But the little girl gives him her flower, and then he sees the love interest

and he gives her the flower, right? So. I wanted the little girl to pop back and be like, wow, re-gift. Whoa. Yeah. Well, the little girl does pop in, right? Because it turns out, of course, that this is, that love interest is the little girl's mom. The little girl is Abby.

The love interest is Mira. Yeah. She's a single mom, so very on brand for MMA. Yeah, right. So, but, you know, he gives her the flower and the little girl likes him. and, you know, whatever. So we've established love interest. Wait, am I on brand for MMA?

Fuck. Yeah. God damn. You're really, really on brand for MMA? Let the bodies hit the floor. He actually says at this point. He's like, you know, I see now where your daughter gets her pretty looks from or something. I'm like, oh, wow, you should leave now.

Fuck. But instead, she invites him to, like, follow her around giving out charity bread. Mm-hmm. So they're giving bread to beggars. And he's like, wow, where does all this spread come from? And she's like, I just, you know, I know this Lord and Savior. You know, he's a great guy. Cool.

You gave out like 19 from this little boat. Ah, whatever. It's cool. You know, this is like multiplies. We get that, we get a moment of him being like, oh, this is so more bread. But he's got such a stupid face that I had to rewind and go like, surely they didn't just do a shot of this guy being like four plus seven. He's like 19. That's too many fingers.

Three, though. I don't know. Right, right. Fuck it. Yeah, but they finish giving out all the bread and they happen upon Jesus. Right? And he's like, oh, this is my new boss. And she's like, he's the savior bread guy.

To be clear, she does not mention that he is the savior. Nope. No one ever does. I know we're saying it, but he doesn't. And I got to admit, if you don't tell me that you are the savior of humanity, I can only conclude, you are not. there's not a plus one for me in heaven. Right.

Yeah, absolutely. You get that close to me without ever mention it. So, oh, I love to. When he comes across Jesus at this point, he's like, oh, this is my mom. Mary. And she's got the blue head scarf or whatever. She does nothing in this movie, but they're like, huh? Huh?

You guys love this chick, right? We know that one. What do you guys think Christians like about Jesus? Like his name and lore or the fact that he died so that we made. They all live in heaven eternally. I feel like this movie would tell you the abs. His casual MMA, buddy, was pretty cool. Yeah.

So Miro, Marion, Abby, all leave. And Oren gets to Jesus apprenticing, right? And Jesus is kind of trying to, like, he's like, hey, is there any chance I could fuck Mira vicariously through you? Hey, I've got kind of a Lamb of God thing going on. And I'm pretty sure that, you know, single mom is definitely to, vote for white is snow, if you know what I'm saying. But if you could hit it and then describe it to me, I would be grateful.

Maybe we acted out together. I got to go cry in the garden. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah, yeah, exactly. This is clearly the part where Orrin and Jesus should obviously fuck. So we're going to take a quick break so everybody can adjust their head canons properly. But we'll be back in a minute with even more of The Carpenter.

Do you guys call it the head cannon too? Yep. When I'm getting it from Jesus, I do. Oh, yeah. Hey, podcast listener. If you're like me, you've tried fad diet after fad diet and nothing has worked. Just like Heath when he was keto. No, I wasn't keto.

I ate an egg white omelette in front of you once. He was keto. Okay. But Green Chef delivers real food and recipes that make healthy eating easy and lasting. I ate a bagel right before the record today. With Green Chef, each week you get over 40 recipes made with delicious produce and responsibly sourced proteins. Meals come pre-portioned and ready in minutes. Have you actually tried it? Being keto? No, I haven't. No, no, Green Chef. Oh, yes, I have. Green Chef sent

us a box to try when they became a sponsor. I love how I can get a fresh, delicious meal in minutes that I know is good for me. That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse Green Chef. All right, Eli. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Head to Greenchef.com slash 50 awful and use code 50 awful to get 50% off your first month. then 20% off for two months. That's code 50 awful at greenchef.com slash 50 awful. Hey guys, you ready to record? Yeah, sorry, Heath was just going on about keto.

Again? I'm not keto. Look, I'll eat a cookie right now. Probably a keto cookie. It's not. It's a normal pocket cookie. Yeshua, can I speak with you? Of course you can.

So I was thinking about what you were saying the other day. a father and his children. Yes. And how sometimes we need to sacrifice for the good of the world. You were. Yeah. And I realized you were, I think you were trying to say something pretty important. Oh, Orrin, I am so glad to hear that.

I have to admit, I thought you might be missing my message. And I know I can be a little slow to pick things up, but I think I've got it. That's good. That's good to hear. If you kick someone in the leg really hard, they'll fall down. Sorry, what? Yeah, the patient's like the father is like the body, right? Yeah.

Yeah, man. No, you got it. Nice. Awesome. Thanks, Jesus. Hey, who are you talking to in the garden? Oh, my dad. Oh, is he in town?

Yeah, he's around. Nice. Yeah. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Orrin and Levi training together. Levi explaining that Orrin needs to be more focused, damn it. Right. Yeah.

And he's like, I'm going to be a professional cage fighter. Slap of the face. Yeah. And then he gets hurt. Orrin does it easily. He gets cut, right? And they treat it like when me and my brother would accidentally actually hit each other with our stick swords, right?

And somebody you go, ow, ow, you actually, you hurt me. bleeding. I'm bleeding. This is a free time out. We said that. Both show up with their moms all like sulky and red-eyed. You were right. We shouldn't have practiced together. It's a bad idea. So yeah, but his brother says, man, you need to see a doctor about this. He goes, no, no, I'll see the carpenter.

And he's like, he just, is he going to nail it shut? Fuck. Nah, my new job has medical. Yeah. So, yeah. And also, I want to point out, by the way, that this character that they so often, that Christians so often concoct of Jesus Christ, who could magically heal all the baby cancer or whatever, but spend his time making chairs is an evil character, right? That's a bad guy. It's insane, right?

Keep in mind also, he's in Bronze Age pre-antibiotics worlds, too. So it's just an 80% child death rate. You can't do anything but that. Yeah. Or you're evil. Yeah, met a prayer for all. You're an asshole. So he goes to Jesus, but Jesus doesn't want him to rely on superpowers for every single boo-boo, right? He has to learn through having a big scar on his face.

Yeah, heal the man to fish. I can, I painted myself into a corner with my aphorism. I can make infinite fish. Is that helpful? Look, I would love to heal you, but you had no. follow-up questions and I was kind of using it as an opener for the fact that I'm the savior of all humanity. So now it just kind of feels kind of, you know, Estes Flasky, you know?

It's a little, I don't like. Oh, like in that game? In that video game? So yeah, but so he's like, you know, if God healed everybody every time they needed healed, then they would never have like, you know, an incentive to avoid childhood blood cancer. And he goes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I didn't think about it like that because that would be an insane way to think about it. Pain and suffering are of value. You're welcome in advance for something big. Trust me. So, okay. But now that Jesus has turned him down, he's got to go see his doctor, right? And the doctor has schick. This doctor will be apparently, I guess, the comic relief from this point forward, right?

Yeah. So he goes to see the doctor by getting sewed up. And the doctor, it turns out, has a bunch of ideas for the science of fighting strategy. Look, there are a lot of things I love about MMA. One, it gives traumatic brain injury to the people who I think deeply need it. Two, it's really informing our national and international policy by the right people in power. But three, there is somehow this idea that MMA is like science fighting. Is it?

And it's literally just like, It's a big part of the community. If you kick a leg, the phone is. Punch your face. Hurts. That's just math. But yeah, so he's like drawing X's on it

where all the vital organs are most exposed or whatever. And I'm like, oh, God, wrist control. Show him wrist control. Come on, guys. Oh, he will get very close to that. He's just a dirty boxing trainer, though. He's like, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, He's like, yeah, you know, kicking the dick, ear bite, knee to the kidney.

And then these are all really obvious. That's why they're not allowed. Yeah, he's like, what about knee to the kidney? He's like, yeah, no, we haven't figured that one out yet. Yeah, go for that. Hey, man, can I say you're a weird Mr. Miyagi for this movie? Right. Don't like it?

What about pocket sand? Are you allowed to do that? There's also this weird fucking exchange where he goes, if you attract the trunk, you expose the face. And Orrin goes, ah, like a tree. And I'm like, do you attack trees, trunks to expose their faces? and then you, if you level change, if you level change on a tree,

then they're going to try to defend below, and then it opens up the face of the tree, and I punch the face of the tree. A bunch of lumberjacks with trees and arm bars. Yeah, right. So, okay, but now trees just didn't tap. What? I think I killed himself, which is pretty funny.

Rear naked oak. Oh, well done. What are you guys going to do for the rest of the podcast? Because I'm going to think about punching. And tree words. Yeah. All right. Well, so, okay, so armed as they now are with scientific advice on ass kicking, we begin our next fight.

Eli, I'm going to need you for this next part of the review. You just shut off my video and you do your job and I'll do mine. Bark is worth thinnest fight is what I had in the moment you gave me. It's not my best work. But it's because I wasn't getting it. giving my piece. I was trying real hard. So, yeah.

So Orrin's fighting. He's getting his ass kick. But then the doc nods to him. And it's like, oh, it's time to not lose anymore. And then the movie actually just puts little exes over the bad guys for us. Mm-hmm. Right? So he knows where to hit.

Doc is into it, by the way. Yeah. But he does a big spinny knockout, which is awesome. You know, spin moves are always. the most awesome of the moves. Just like a tree. Yeah. My God, the guys who wrote this

are fucking insufferable in real life. You can just feel it at every moment in the movie that like, they probably have like real jobs and in the break room they're doing wrist control demos.

They're just spin punch in vending machines on a regular, there's a policy about when and where spin punches can be done in all of their workplaces. Thanks to them. There's a days since a risk. control incident.

Right. Yeah, exactly. It's always at zero. And I know the people who made this movie can beat me up, but I can drive my car without blowing into it. So, you know, strengths and weaknesses. So, but later on, so he wins the fight with the spinny punch. And then later we get them doing ye oldie workouts, right, with big rock lifts and

shit. Yeah, it was just, you know, modern weightlifting, except they used random irregular rocks. Right. Yeah, exactly. He's got to get them fucking squat jacks. It's a crucifix fit, cross-fit scenario. Oh, there you go, yeah. Because Jesus.

Palm is a tree. Oak. Oh, I said, yeah, I'm sorry to drop it on you like that. No, now it's back. So he goes, I got to look something up. Levi goes, how was it working with a carpenter the other day? And Oren goes, shockingly backgrounded, given that it's the foundation of our faith. It's actually so crazy.

Look, I obviously do not believe in Christ of Nazareth. But if I did, he wouldn't be the side character in anything. Right. Right. Well, and as they're talking, Levi goes, well, you know, some say he can do miracles. And Orrin's like, yeah, no, he did one of those for me earlier. Cool. What?

And Levi's like, wow, you're underreacting to that, man. You didn't think to mention it to me that you know a miracle healer? Why didn't he heal you the second time? Oh, I had to learn my last. about you gotta learn to duck. Oh, and also, you know, that would ruin free will and, you know, like baby cancer, Holocaust, so you got to have that. We mostly suck each other's dick.

I was reading Ross Douth at the other day. He's actually pretty good author now. So then we get him and Jesus making carpentry house calls, right? And Jesus is going, he's making small talk. He's like, so, you know, how's it going with Mary? You get to third base yet or like, or Kara, third base, possibly? I obviously know what vaginas look like because I knew you when I formed me in the world.

But like, what does it look like? Because Dad gets mad if I like. This is one of those moments. We run into these a lot in these movies where a prop in the movie is so very clearly a thing owned by the people who made it and they proudly own this stupid thing and they work it into the movie.

Oh, which one? In this one, we see Jesus and his very very, very clear, you know, everyday carry is two big mallets and they are holstered on either side of this. Mallet holsters, yeah. These guys own mallet holsters. Yeah. They probably have stock in mallet holsters.

What are you just going to reach into a bag that you brought with you with the mallets in it? No, what if you need a mallet really fast? Or two. Obviously. Yeah, right, right. If you have to double, if you have to double fist it. Yeah. So, yeah.

But, you know, Orrin's like, yeah, no, I haven't actually. really talked to Mirr's like the script kind of forgot about her for a while and he's like well surprise we're here at Vicks Mira's gate and you know. Ah! So they... Jesus, you matchmaking

scamp. You might want to save his soul too. It's just you've known him for a bit. The first group of people who will burn an eternity, it is Orrin. Yeah. So maybe just

work in it. I love the Mira stuff, man. But you should mention that the weight of the father is through you. There's also this great moment where we cut to Oregon and he's like hammering

nailless wood. He's just got a plank of he's hitting with a hammer. And Jesus is like, Jesus gives this speech about how he's actually pretty cool with sports. There's a lot of good lessons that you learn from beat each other up.

Yeah. You know, I think if I was around today, whatever the fuck I mean by that, I would probably be a big fan of my children punch each other in the face. The Prince of Peace or the bee that I am.

If you've like never read anything about me even peripherally, you can kind of imagine how I would be like, yeah, punch contest, that's cool too. So that's my gift to the world. I like, I punched the world better. Is that what you're saying?

Are you the savior? Oh, we'll talk about it later. So honestly, I am convinced that they added this doctor character because the original screenplay had Jesus telling them where the kidneys were and shit and somebody was like, guys, we can't.

We just can't. You got to add a dude. Their one Christian friend sat them down. They were like, that's so much for Bionis Pizza Hut, man. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I know that the image of Christ on the cross looks a lot like an arm bar. Oh, my, yes, exactly.

You can't have so many of those You can't What were you saying? Have him teach them an arm bar And then look at the camera And say, call forward Yeah I'm gonna take my cameras back if you do

So okay So then we get Another scene of Doc Showing orange Some ass kicking techniques Right This is where we learned About the inner

Then outer calf kick Yeah I don't think ever used In the movie Okay but this like they get so this is sweep the leg. They got almost sweep the leg. It's like chopped down a tree at the low point.

Yeah. So sweep the leg and then punch the tree in the face. Yeah. But then Unk shows up at this point and tells him that they got... Put him in a burial shroud. So, but then Unk shows up and tells him he's only got one month to get trained up before the big fight that'll get him into the Jerusalem Invitational. Yeah.

he's going against Abner. Yeah. Is that it? Okay. Big Abner, though. Not the little one. They go, you're going against Abner and everyone looks at each other like, is that someone in the Bible?

And he goes, no, he's just like a good guy we made up. He's just like, well, don't just pause after you say his name. There's a lot of people we don't know in this movie, like Jesus of Ness. Yeah, right. Mary? Who is it? So we cut to Orrin, he's on his date now with Mira and it's like playing dolls with your daughter date.

Okay. I have a question. Is the doll game the betrayal of Christ in the garden at the hands of Judas? Is that what they were doing with the dolls? I believe that is the play that is happening. Okay, I'd have to look back. Is the doll saying, that's him, get him? And him being like, no, you betrayed me.

And I'm like, what a weird way to work in Jesus lore, movie. Oh, I cut his ear off. I cut his ear off. I need to be very clear that the maker, there's no God and there's no heaven, but the makers of this movie are going to hell more than me. I'm getting down there and Satan's like, yeah, Jew, I get it.

Get all in there. But he's going to stop and talk to the makers of this movie and be like, so the fucking Garden of Galilee was like a doll thing. What would? Hey, guys, I'm back. I am taking the cameras and the pizza. This is too much. So, but then mom turns to the daughter and she's like, hey, maybe you, you run off and stop cockpucking for a minute.

And let me have some, a long time with Warren. So the daughter leaves and Mira tells the dead husband backstory, right? Okay. So this was almost my best worst. So Mira has been wearing a, what white people think Middle Eastern women wear hood for most of the movie. Yeah. She takes her hood down in this scene and she has the fucking Maga Bob. She's got this perfect

Perfect like Hey are you a Fox news host In age of real? Oh this? Yeah I just I wanted all my hair back from my forehead. Do you like it? It's physically impossible during this time period.

Yeah, right, right. Hey, do you think 15 year olds count as pedophilia? Oh, okay. She might as well throw back her hood and be wearing Applevision goggles that's how modern her haircuts. But yeah, also, they have this whole big moment where she was, she's going to tell him the story of her husband. But, like, he just died of an unspecified illness.

And then that's it. Right? That's, I guess the best that these writers could come up with. I love the moment where Orrin asked about this. He, like, he turned into fucking me all of a sudden. He's like, I'm just going to keep a conversation going for, I don't know how to ask on the first day. Tell me about your dead husband. And she's like, her husband died.

Oh, perfect. Yeah. I do want to tell that story. Was he brave or like... No, no. So, okay. So then we get, we finally get like a kind of proper training montage where he does jump ropes and pull-ups and ye oldy barbells and shit.

Yeah. Stair runs. This goes for, I guess, like 30 seconds. I guess I wouldn't call it a proper training montage, but it's a 30-second one. But it ends with more wandering Jesus wisdom. Yeah, he's doing like, again, this movie from Jesus' perspective, is him not having the heart to break it to his friend

that nothing he says or does matters except believing in him. So he'll be like, oh, you know, these lambs escaped earlier. The thing about lambs, and he's like, anyways, punch, kick. Yeah, he's like, ah, what am I dying? I like that in this fucking training montage, they do, you know, pull-ups, chin-ups, jump rope.

Okay, that's like, you know, rocky stuff. somebody, one of these two brothers was like, never skip leg day, we should do lunges. And they'd lunges in the montage. Amazing. So yeah, but Jesus leaves him to fix this dude's gate. This is, I think Nathaniel is the character. And I honestly, other than to show that some of Orrin's best friends are black,

I don't know what purpose this character serves in the story. Well, because the guy goes, it's the closest another character goes to being like, so has Jesus told you anything else? And he's like, yeah, he teased me a hammer nail. And he's like, cool. Anything else? Has he mentioned anything else to you? You know, he does

miracles, right? Yeah, no, I've seen some of the miracles, yeah. Why does everyone always bring that up? He also makes chair. One time he like, but then another time he like, oh, ah, oh. And that's like little punch, but for wood,

You know? He has two sometimes. Yeah. I forgot how to breathe again. Give me a second. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Right. Do both do in out, in out, both. Not shit. I'm doing out twice. No. Sleep. You fell. But Nathaniel, yeah, he's like, he's trying to like coax him across the line of

seeing like, and so, and then if, and then if his father was God, then he would be. And he goes hammered nails. Hammer nails. But so, yeah. So, yeah. So we go on with that for a little while, and then we finally get to the next fight scene. And I have to put it, these fight scenes are terribly boring, right? It's boring, stupid choreography.

It's uninteresting. But at the very least, it's better than the diet long. Yeah. And look, the problem is these guys probably do MMA, which I don't know if you know this, not fight choreography. Nope, totally different thing. In fact, the opposite of fight choreography. Yeah. Yeah.

These guys are also convinced that the corner man advice thingy is quite important in fighting. they do very badly with that, but they're sure it's a thing. So in this moment, Levi's like, hey, Orrin, don't do the thing where you get beat up first and then you get mad for some reason and then do better

because you get hurt at the early part. Just do better. Just right away, do the thing. Right away. I can start, I get like, when the body sit the floor could be your music that you come out to. I'll sing it for you. I don't know, man. Question, how do I make the bodies hit the floor play

if I don't lose a little bit first? Yeah. So, right. Do you have it on your iPod? So the bell rings and, you know, so they do some, this is Abner that he's fighting, right? So he gets beat up a little bit because it's the beginning of the fight. There's this great moment where he's like, remember your training. And I wanted it to flash cut to Jesus being like, hey, I'm the son of God.

It's actually really a flash is awake. But yeah, he remembers his training. He remembers the tree analogy. and then so he starts to win. Abner pulls a torch off the wall and hits him with a torch. Right. Every kind of underreacts.

They've got a very like, dude, we called no torches kind of a moment that follows that. What are you doing? That's your one torch. Yeah. That's your one. Time out.

Don't do that again. Okay. So we're not doing torches from now. Okay. No, I didn't call it. You're right. Condem him must. Just starting now, though.

Okay. Condem Hamas. No torches. But yeah. And then he starts doing, He starts hitting him in the body and they're like cross-cutting that with shots of him cutting down a tree earlier because, you know, that's how you cut down a tree is by hitting it repeatedly. And that's how you win a fight. It's by hitting.

And then the tree drops its arms and you can move its chin too fast for its brain. Yeah, exactly. He's really incorporating the wisdom of his teachers along the way. Isn't he, though? Well, not Jesus. The doctor's not the doctor guy. No, the dirty boxing guy was actually pretty clear about his teaching. and it was pretty anti-violence.

So it's not a lot of the opposite. The opposite is the thing that he is. Orrin starts to believe that the dirty boxing doctor is the son of God. He starts calling that guy's religious. Cuts to Jesus in the crowd and he's just pointing to a poor person. I'm actually really into this. It's the least of these is sort of, oh, you're fighting. You're fighting.

You're fighting. No, I mean, not this one. No, what you do unto him is what you don't. Punch an orphan child. That's why I don't tell you anything. thing, Orrin. Fuck, I shouldn't have looked away. Oran wins.

Torch. Hooray or whatever, I guess. And with the depressing realization that that is the best this movie has to offer, we're going to take ourselves another break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will they at least get the fucking MMA right eventually? Will someone at least do the goddamn

crucifix submission at some point? If Jesus caught your finger in his stigmata holes and then twisted, would that count as wrist control? Find out the answers to some of these questions and more. We'll return for the Oh Yeah, Jesus also died conclusion of The Carpenter. Well, did you try telling her? No, she gets so mad about the dog food stuff. Yeah, she really does.

Guys, quick, I need a favor. The answer's no. I'm calling 911. No, no, no, no. This is a normal favor. Well, kind of. I need your pants. Still dialing.

No, okay. Look, I can explain. So I might have forgotten. Mother's Day again. Dude. But here's what I'm doing. I'm going around. I'm collecting everybody's pants and I'm going to cut the knees out of them and then I'm going to fill

them with honey and then I'm going to send them. I'm a saw him shot, obviously. And then I'm going to send them to my mom with a note that says, you're the bees knees. So many problems with the plan. Really bad. Why can't you ever yes and me on any... You're sending your mom honey knees. Look, Eli, if you want a last minute gift that mom's going to actually like,

you should try an aura frame. Oh, what's... An aura frame. No, no fair. I was opening the jar. Well, don't. Aura frames are digital picture frames that come with free unlimited storage. That means you can load it up with as many pictures and videos for mom as she likes.

I don't know, Noah. My mom isn't very techy. Well, that's okay. You can set up mom's aura frame while it's still inside the box. All she has to do is plug it in and enjoy. All right. That sounds great. It is.

Name number one by wirecutter. You can save on the gifts mom loves by visitingoraframes.com. For a limited time, listeners can get $25 off their best-selling car for Matt Fram. with the code awful. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com promo code awful. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and Conditions Apply. All right, Noah.

Thanks. So you're going to leave our pants alone? Yeah. You're going to finish the honey? Probably not. Nice. Dibs. Peter, Thomas.

It's good to see you. And you, Oren. I'm so sorry to hear about Yeshua. Oh, thank you, brother. He was so much. to so many people. To us all, yes. Kind and an amazing mentor.

Right, right. And also, of course, the Messiah. Sorry, what? Did Jesus never mention that he was the savior of humanity to you? No. No, I don't think you did. Really? Like, never came up?

Never did any miracles or anything? Oh, no, no. He did a miracle. one time. One time. Yeah, I had a black eye and he healed it. Okay. And you didn't like, you didn't ask any follow-up questions after that?

No. No. I did ask him to heal a forehead thing once after, but he said no. Right. Right. But you didn't ask how he had the magical healing powers? Like, no. I was going through a lot, okay?

My dad died and I had a bunch of fights to fight. Yeah, right. Sure, the fights. Was the Messiah thing, like, big for him? Yeah, pretty big. Oh, but I guess he didn't tell a lot of people about it. No, actually telling people was pretty much his whole thing. So he just didn't tell me?

You, yeah, seems like it. God. I should have asked. about the magic powers, right? Yup. And we're back for still more of this shit, and we're going to rejoin the gang back at Doc's Place celebrating

Oren's big win against Abner. Yeah. Very exciting. Now, of course, if he wants to make it to the All Valley, he does have to win one more fight. Yeah. He shows them the poster of All Valley. And it's fucking incredible.

It's so good. It's poster. with crayon on it. Yeah. Yeah. Uncle Sharar has, apparently he has one of the promotional posters that they printed for their event. For the Jerusalem. They scribbled. And it has a silhouette of an attempt anyway at a silhouette of like ancient Israeli karate guy silhouette.

Yes. Printed. Like the NBA, it's Jerry West Bank. Yeah, right. Right. Nice. So but then so Chirar tells me he's like, hey, you know, from this point on, you need to just only train. You can't have any distractions.

You just need a train. He's like, no, man, I've got a side plot with Mira and the savior of humanity. I hit wood with wood. I have to hit wood with wood. Obviously, no, I got other shit going on. Okay. I guess that won't affect the plot of the movie then. In any way.

And Uncle Chirar is very keen to point out that Nazareth. never wins the All Valley. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And that's the, trust me. That's the stakes of the movie. If you win this fight,

it's going to be the biggest thing that happens this year. And we just see, like, in the background, Lazarus rising from the dead. Nazareth will never be famous if you don't win the all. Right, right. Yeah. What will you even be known for? So, okay, so now, Orrin, he's working with Jesus again.

And Jesus is asking how the plot's going. right? And Orrin has kind of been wondering about, you know, the problem of evil. Hey, Jesus, I was thinking, yeah, and that hurts. Sure. Sure. Happens to the best of us. I can see you're making a face like you're hurting. Yeah. Always. Why? It's the thing. What was your question? What? Did you forget?

But here's the thing, though, because Jesus didn't actually address the problem of evil. And because they don't have any way of addressing it. The way that this idiot writer has to work it out is he's like, you know, I was thinking about the problem of evil, Jesus, and I solved it. So, or it is going to tell Jesus the answer. And he says, well, you know, that's just God whittling us into place into exactly what we need to be. And I'm like, hmm, doesn't work for baby cancer, though, doesn't it. That's what the sexual abuse of disabled children and extraordinary rates is, everybody.

It's God whittling his tools. into a more sexually abused shape. Okay, this was a weird moment for me. I kind of like accidentally got on board with the movie for a second because Jesus gives the speech about like, you got to care for your tools. And I was like, yeah, you do have to care for your tools.

My dad was just like, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. And it was wisdom. Okay, so I see what happened. Okay. Let's see what happens. But the way he gets there is so gay, right? Because he goes, he goes, and I don't mean that in any kind of derogatory way. He says, like, I got a quick story for you.

It's about David and Saul. And I'm like, ooh, so you guys are going to fuck. To be clear, this movie, if you know the Bible, is Jesus very heavily hinting Orange should suck his dick. Yes. Like, hey, you know what we're like? The most explicitly gay couple in the history of. of Western literature.

Yeah. Genuinely, an actual line was like, hey, Orrin, it's all about giving service. Yes.

Glanced down. It's not about what we get. Giving service. It's about what we give, Oren, I'm a bottom. Swallow. So, yeah.

So, but then he says, he's talking about Saul and David. Minor fall in the major lift, am I right? And he's like, no, that was actually my way of telling you. And clearly he's like trying to hint at gay sex.

It doesn't work out. And then he had to pretend it was something else. Right? Because he's like, no, it was just my way of bringing up lutes. And I made you a lute. And I made you a guitar like friends. A friendship guitar. Yeah.

Pal. Yep. Here's that guitar I made you. Did you want to give me anything? Like a mixtape that you have. expresses feelings or anything like that. So then we watch him like practicing with his guitar. You're confused.

Definitely an unnecessary distraction from the fight there, I think. Right? He does that. He does family stuff with Mira and Abby. They're getting closer and closer guys. Yeah. I know this is just a coincidence, but I watched the Book of Clarence like three weeks ago,

which is such a perfect version of this terrible movie. And I just kept being like, man, the book of Clarence was good. Every time there was something boring happening, I was like, what a great thoughtful movie that this movie isn't. Yeah, right, right. But of course, this montage sort of resolves on him punching ye oldie punching bag, right? They had the heavy bags back then. Which also has a corset around it of leather.

So you know, it's old time, obviously. It's old time. But Levi can tell there's something on his mind. And so Orrin explains that he's actually been thinking. of proposing to Mira. Yeah. And Levi actually gives a little bit of good advice here. He's like, hey, don't do the fucking surprise proposal thing.

You should just like talk with your... Talk to her about it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. He does not take that advice as... No. Yeah. So, okay.

But now we're fighting again, right? He has to fight the fucking ancient art of Nazarene Capuera. Yeah. Yeah. The opponent this time is fighting in, I guess, African style. The style of Africa. tell by the leopard print of his shorts. Which is a hell of a contrast to the Nazarenes around him.

Yeah. So, yeah. Now, of course, if he wins this fight against African Quapura, he will go to the championship in Jerusalem, right? So this one's got stakes now suddenly. Yeah. Eventually, Orrin breaks the guy's arm. He shows up showboats a little.

And that was thinking, this is a movie. He fang the snake. I learned that in the break room. about Jesus Christ, Prince of Peace, and in it our hero breaks this dude's arm and then showboats about it a little bit. And then he does a fucking finishing move. Yeah. Cuts to Jesus in the audience. I am happy that you're happy.

Yes. Kick the orphan? No. Okay. One of these times it's going to be kick the orphan, right? I'm going to tell Luke my stuff. It's fine. You just do your thing, Orrin.

So now, but after that fight, he wins that fight So he can go to the Jerusalem invitation on now And after that fight, he asks Jesus You know, how he thinks he should propose And Jesus He gives him the same advice that I gave Heath Which is that you should sing your proposal You should sing your proposal

And I started to do it I did half a note and I was like, nope, talking I think the fact that you did it to the tune of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was really what undercut. I thought that would be easier because I'm not the most adept singer. No, I know I get it. And will you super marry me? I didn't get that far through it.

But yeah, I did come in too hot. You sang the word and she maced you. And I was like, this is the woman for me. There. But yeah, but so Jesus. That is a yes. Suggested the proposal. In a way where like it really felt like the writer was going.

Actually, this was a very good idea. okay, she made fun of me for it and still does and said no, but I think it was a really good idea. It was a good idea and if it had been real. So he would get like his vows, I guess, like the writers rather, you know, not, not Orins. But that's Jesus giving him some like banal advice on marriage or whatever. The lamest, like there's nothing more important in life than the relationship between a man and a woman,

which I cannot be clear enough, the most important thing in your life is standing in front of you telling you that the most important thing is your bad. It should be saved by Jesus. Right. Yes, obviously. But we're going to ignore that for the rest of the movie. So instead we're going to get him proposing to Miro in front of a big crowd with

bunch of streamers. And then they show him doing his proposal song, but they don't fucking let us hear the proposal song. and the disaster that that must have been. I'm so mad. I'm there for you. I'll be fucking there for you. Hey.

Hold on. I'm going to start over. I'm going to start over. Can I do drums instead? Is this a tune? Yeah. No, you're starting to high. Bring it down.

Bring it down. Bring it down. You match my pitch. Somebody's off. Too low. You're still off. So, okay. So, but then he proposes, I guess she says yes, right?

We don't bother with all of that nonsense. But then sometime later, Orrin is asking Jesus, why Jesus never comes to any of his fights. And Jesus is like, let's talk instead about your dead dad and see if I can sneak up on your brain from this direction. Okay. I'm just saying, I really could use you as a cut man in these fights. How would you like a brand new set of chisel? So the thing about this too is that like unless you know that Jesus is the Lord and Savior, right? Their relationship is incredibly weird.

Yes. These two men that are the same fucking age, but one of them is always like offering wisdom and talking about love and everything to the other guy. Like, it would be a bizarre relationship. Like, you have to wonder why it is that Oren never goes to Levi. And he's like, yeah, man, he's always on and on about this loving humanity shit. And I'm like, I'm here to hammer nails, dude. So, but yeah, so they're chatting and carpentering. And he says, like, so, hey, you know, how is it that you're so, you know, all knowing and omnibenevolent all the time?

And he's like, wow, indeed. This is my end. Okay. It's crazy. So here's the thing about creators. they care about their tools. And he's like, I can have your tools. And he's like, ah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, man, I want you to have my tools. Nice. Yeah, but then he's like, no, I think you should talk to your dead dad. And he's like, oh, wow, I don't think I'm ready to do that. And he's like, do you think you need like one more scene? And he's like, no, no, I think I'm good. So then we go to him visiting his dad's grave.

the tools have the bad Twitter bird on them, by the way. Oh, right, no, that's right. That's the first time we see the Twitter bird. That's where we see the Twitter bird. Yeah, he busts out these tools that he gives him. He's like, wow, these all have this cool Twitter bird on him. And he's like, yes, this is a symbol of me. Wait, sorry, hand that back.

I'm just going to scratch an X into that. There you go. It's like a cross. So, yeah, but he goes to visit his dad's grave. And when he gets there, of course, he finds the hammer that he angrily threw before. Yeah. And the dad's rock pile, it seems shallow. Like, I hope dad is debunder that rock pile or he's going to get dug up by a dog.

Oh, absolutely. A dog is getting to dad. But of course, when he finds the hammer, it has the Twitter bird symbol on it. And from that, he knows that his dad actually knew Jesus the carpenter. Yeah. And we see this guy be like, yeah, same bird thingy, you crafty, son of a bitch. but he doesn't understand that it's the Lord's savor. He's just like, nice.

Same birdie. Same brand, yeah. Black and Decker probably, right? Right, yeah. Of course, this is, I think, the first time that we actually see this guy try to act, you know, because this is like he's like trying to talk to his dead dad and everything and he's trying to be all emotional about it. We're like, maybe you fight some guys with big tits.

Yeah. You know when like a. there's a woman who marries an idiot and he tries to do his, she does a speech at the wedding. And then there's this moment where everyone at the wedding wants to stand up and go,

hey, we're not going to make Brian go, right? Brian seems really nice. Literally, I was about to tell a story of my friend Brian. Because we shouldn't do that to Brian. Brian's lovely. And we're so happy that he and Nicole are happy together.

And like, we wish them all the best. but now Brian did not have what it takes. Brian got up on the mic and started doing a sketch by himself straight from the hangover. And I started weeping with laughter in a sea of silence other than me. Yep. At this wedding. So yeah, but so Orange shows me he wants to work out with Levi Moore.

They have to be sad about. dead dad for a while together, I guess, more. They try to rip off what is grief, but if not love, persevering. But they do a worse version of it. And whenever anyone does a worse version of that, I am reminded that one of the best lines about grief is from the television show WandaVision. And it makes me so happy every time that just a mine, that for a hundred years, a minor marvel property will be the original source of that.

Right, right. So now Levi is helping Orrin with his carpentry house calls, I guess. And a Roman soldier shows up and starts talking shit to him, right? You're not. You're going to lose. You're going to lose. It's really sad taunting. He's like, Nazareth doesn't need you here.

And I was like, oh, that was supposed to be like kind of an ethnic slur, I guess. But like the slur game was a little tame back. Yeah, right. Sorry, it's just we're in a Christian. movie and also I don't Ginger Aunt Domes. That would have been good. It would have been better.

Should have done some Greek, Roman, Latin. So yeah, so, but they start talking shit and Oren wants to violence the armed guard, but the uncle pops in at the last second and stops them, you know, before he can take the bait. Oh, and Uncle Charrar has the dove

on his necklace. Yes, he's got the Twitter bird as well. Yeah. Right. Which means that literally everyone has Jesus's symbol except for Orrin who's just got, he's worked for this guy for a year. Right. And again, I just, this movie is about

Jesus being Jesus to everyone but Oran. And whenever Oran walks in the room, he's like, and I say unto you, oh, what stop? All right, everybody, let's take a few. I'm going to teach Orin how to make shares. Oh my God. So this literally is the story of

Jesus turning off all the lights. and pretending not to be home, right? He's like, there's no way I'm spending an eternity with Orrin. He doesn't want to spend eternity with heaven. That guy is such a fucking idiot. The apostles are right next to Jesus. It is canon. Yes.

He'd have to be with Orrin the whole fucking Peter and Paul and Thomas. And then Orrin would be like, you guys want to do pushups? Guys hide. He won't notice. Peter, it's really late, but he won't know. He'll just think you disappeared. Can he hear me right now? Peter, you have my permission to kill Warren.

Yeah. So, okay. So that night, Jesus shows up, Orrin's working on a chair, or an essay, Jesus about his relationship with his dad. He's like, hey, did you know my dad or is the Twitter thing? Is that just a brand of Hammer? He's like, no, I knew your dad. And he's like, really?

You didn't tell me that? And he's like, man, I haven't told you a lot of things. Oran, it's very much way more important than that. It's so crazy the things I haven't told you. But Jesus is like, hey, you know, you did a great job on that table. built for Nathaniel. I want you to build me a special table. I have plans for it right here. Yeah. You know, and it has

to be something that could be broken up and traveled with and like maybe everybody could sit on one side of it later. Yeah. It actually, it has to face the camera in a big used desk format. I got, Leonardo da Vinci is encoding where my bloodline's

going to be. So I need sort of a horizontal shot on one of these. So then we get training montau number three. Yeah. Right. But this one is

carpentry based, right? We're seeing like exercises and carpentry things. And some towel snapping. And yeah, I was going to say, it's straight from Rocky 4,

the thing in Russia, but then there's towel snapping. So it kind of takes you out of it a little bit. Because they want to remind us that this is gay porn ripe for the take. Right. Yeah, absolutely.

So, okay, but that training montage ends with us heading to Jerusalem. The close caption and says, Tense Rock Music continues. Hell yeah, baby. Hell yeah, it does. That's the entire soundtrack in four words right there, yeah. So, but

we got, we get Levi tying his hands up before the fight. Unk tells us that he used to be a fighter or two and we're like, what possibly could we gain from knowing that at this point in the movie? Just wanted to say, you know, it's not always about you. Cool, no, do you, you don't have any like gruff, old-timey wisdom for me for like... It just used to be a fighter, man. No, just... Punch and kick? You guys never ask any questions about anyone else.

Yeah, right, right. But they sure do all love each other and they're a great big happy family. Okay, slow motion walk out to the final fight. Simeon comes out and he's got like a Roman shoulder guard on. He takes it off for the fight, but most of my early notes were just, you can't just wear a little armor to your MNA fight. That's cheating or wear a helmet. Right, exactly.

Do you have a cargo net? You're not allowed to use that. I want to call no torches, no cargo nets before we start. It's like Street Fighter that one guy just has claws. Yeah, it's like, Vega did. Vega brought Wolverine claws. This is bullshit. This is how we fight in these streets.

Okay. Also, the knife. The ref comes out and shows off the belt that they have. Yes, the oldie championship belt. It's like a leafy but made of leather championship belt. And again, this is one of those things, 100% already owned by Cameron Krebs, the actor or the Krebs brother, they fight over it. Probably goes back and forth on like who wins the whatever. Yeah, who ever wins the Thanksgiving fight that their mom could, their mom's like you could fight each other for the belt once a year.

You get one. It's Thanksgiving after dinner. You can't do it at Christmas anymore because you ruined Christmas last year. You can do it at Thanksgiving because the hospitals are relatively unoccupied. Cameron doesn't have any health care right now. so we might have to skip this one. We're having to skip this one. We'll do Labor Day.

You guys want to fight each other on Labor Day? So, okay. So I could have aborted you. Yeholdee Michael Buffer introduces the fighters. And then they introduced Simeon who is like not particularly intimidating compared to the other guys that he's fought. Like, I mean, I feel like the guy that played Abner was way more intimidating this dude, you know.

But anyway. All the fights are identical. They are. Okay. I like the little glove touch moment at the beginning before they start. You know, like, ref does the speech and they're supposed to touch gloves.

And Simeon, the bad guy, goes for the two-for-flinching thing. But Orrin, like, knew it was coming and he doesn't flinch. So it's like a lesson from Jesus. Jokes on you, I don't have any reflexes. Yeah, I was going to say, like, the ability to not react to someone trying to hit you in a fight. I'm not sure that's brag worthy.

tap my knee, nothing will happen. Yeah. That's like you didn't evolve in this very important human way. He pushes on Orrin's forehead and his arms go up. So yeah, so we get round one. We get their stupid, boring fight choreo. I'll tell you how bad their choreography is. There's one point where Simeon does like this slow motion roundhouse kick,

but it misses. Yeah. I think they didn't have a way to do a slow motion kick. They kicked him three times. They were like, Ow! I can't do it slow. I'm in the air.

Then you're just going to have to do it in the air. So, yeah, but round one ends with nothing remotely interesting having happened, right? Unk tells him to keep moving and use more uppercuts. Neither of those are... Make him think you're going to kick, but actually punch. Yeah, that's what his brother tells him, yeah. And he also doesn't use that. Okay, he is literally told, reminded to breathe here.

Dirk two. Both ways. Both ways. When I say I mean, I'm doing out at the same time again. So round two. Orrin comes out, gets his shit rocked. He gets knocked down. Fucking Simeon does a Popeye punch on him. Yes, he does. Like a Bumina b'am baller. Yeah. But of course he starts showboating instead of like ground and pounding or whatever. How many movie bad guys would have won the fight if they just know not to turn

their back on their opponent and ape to the audience. But that's true. It won't be Simeon to learn this lesson. Simeon ape to the audience. There's something there. So, you know, Orrin finds his fucking whatever, you know, his act five, I guess, or whatever. And he uses the old, my opponent stopped blocking trick to punch him more. That's always helpful.

Yeah. A lot of two-handed punching in this comeback moment. Yeah. Oh, it's like an axe. It's because it's an axe. Right. They were like, axe, two hands, punch two hands. But they get to round three, because, you know, why not?

But then he knocks Simeon down and Simeon is out and Oren wins and he's the championship now. And it was like so anticlimactic and boring and there was no crane kick or any, like, nothing that we'd like set up or whatever. Nothing like that to the point where I just wrote my notes is. Is that really the whole fight? You have to do a usage of one more lesson at minimum here. Something. Something has to happen here. It was so anticlimactic and boring that I assumed that he was going to get back up

and they were going to fight into the streets or something. Yeah. One more round. Let me pitch you on what I think the finale should have been. Okay. All right. So he's at the last minute, right? He fights and then he remembers Jesus's words.

He puts his arms out like this and he starts spinning. You're spinning at the guy. And he's like, Are you doing Karate Kid 2? Crucifix. Yes. No, there's a like full spin. Crucifix spin. And then as he rises into the air, his outline changes to the Italian Christ on the cross one.

And then Jesus from the audience looks at him and he's like, bing. And he punches him in the face. I like it. This is our favorite movie. I like it. Okay. There's actually an MMA thing that's a crucifix where you get him in that. Yes.

You can just like elbow him over and over. Yes. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, I want to be clear that if they did that, if they did exactly what Eli just described, this movie would not be more blasphemous, right? It wouldn't be less respectful of its source material if that had been the ending. I actually think it would be genuinely more respectful of the source material because it would acknowledge the divinity of crime. So, but yeah, but he wins without using the cool cross move. And then the Roman soldier comes up

He says, you're all right, Laruso and hands him his belt or whatever. His Mira big hug. Adrian Mira. Yeah, right, right. And then it comes up and it's like three years later. And I'm like, oh, right, we have to wrap up this whole Savior of Mankind's subplot, don't we?

Now that the movie's over, I guess you're probably wondering what happened to Jesus. They should have just done a breakfast club closed. Jesus Christ saved humanity. He died on the cross and saved humanity. Yeah, right. You used orange table. So, yeah, no, they come for the table, right?

Three years later, somebody comes, shows up for that table, and they have the last supper at it in case you didn't see that coming. Yeah, that would be Tom Segura in a turban who comes to the table. That was fun. And he has to act excited. There was clearly like a direction in the script that was like, act so excited about a table being unveiled. and he's like,

ha ha ha, ha. Table. Yeah. This is the one that we'll use. My God, this is the perfect table. Oh, if I was going to have one last supper.

So, yeah, so, but then we see like a shot of the last supper and they're like, see, this was actually a story about the guy who made the table

for the last supper the whole time. Last supper, he was a part of it. Hey, Jesus, just quick question. Why is the table,

like we're sitting on all sides? Why is it curved? We're using... It doesn't make sense actually at all. I didn't think the guy who made it had it. Are you like setting up a group picture or something? I thought I'm having a bunch of friends make them and I'm going to make an octagon.

That's where I'm going to fight. So yeah, but then we get crucifixion sounds and we see Oren wake up in the middle of the night having had Jesus nightmares. Babe, I think that guy used to work with got crucified. Yeah. What? Right.

He's like, I can tell Jesus is dead. and then there's a big earthquake and I'm like, okay, but if you chicken out on the zombies you're not even really doing your bit. Can you imagine how crazy it would be for us to wake up next to our wives and be like, I think Al from...

Is that an earthquake? So, but the city now is devastated by the earthquake, right? Which is kind of a fucked up thing for Jesus to do as a parting gift here, I guess. But Oren goes out to help, you know, do the carpentry that needs done. I mean, the village is like a little bit rubbly. You could barely tell the difference.

They had to just like tip stuff back up. Everything was tipped over. But they're like, we got to rebuild. But yeah, everybody is fine, everything's fine. All the characters from the movie, except for Jesus who's crucified, obviously. They go check on Doc. He's fine. Everybody's like, oh, wow.

Do you guys feel weirdly unburdened by original sin all of a sudden? Or is that just me? you. That's so weird. The fact that a lady ate an apple is no longer my problem. Yeah. So yeah.

So, you know, and then they all commiserate about how sad it is what happened to Jesus. One guy has this whole like, you know, to some he was a rabbi, to some a carpenter, but to all he's a savior. What? Yeah, right.

This is the first orange hearing about it. But don't worry about it. It's cool. He gave me these chisels. Yeah. You got the Twitter bird. Nope, that is. our religion. Why do you guys have a tea? He liked the bird.

No, he did. He's a bird guy. Did you want to go chisel that thing? Yeah, I'm going to go. Cool. But now it's night. Still don't tell him. And he's with Mira. And she sure is impressed by how many shelves he's tipped back over the right way around, right? Yeah.

I was furious when they went to one more scene. Furious. Like, the final fight is the end of your fucking fighting movie. Your movie's over now. Nobody cares about anything else. Yeah. But it's great because you can tell that the stupid people who made this movie are the kind of stupid people who don't know when a story's over. Right. They'll be like, so I got arrested.

And then the next morning we had breakfast. No. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, Denny's. No, I know you went to Denny's. But so, and then we get, we get Orrin praying, right? And he's like praying in the name of Jesus Christ. He gets it.

He gets it. Yeah. And then Jesus shows up all in white because that's dumb as possible. I'm so glad you were praying in my name because I never actually got around to tell you to do that. But you were always just those beautiful blue eyes. They just...

Did you get that email? I feel like I sent it. It's probably lost. I meant to send it to Everett. I texted. So you check through your spam? So yeah, and then we see Jesus's hand holes and then he gives Jesus a big hug

and that closes the movie off. They almost kissed though. Oh, yeah. Right? Like, there's like the long moment. 100%. It became a hug, but it was close. This is the final, the final and most contentious part of the gay born we will eventually

make of this is the handholds fucking scene. Yes, absolutely. So just to be clear about the narrative here, the biblical narrative is Jesus Christ, the Savior came back to pop in and have a hug with his carpenter temp. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, the end.

Hey, buddy, are you doing? I'm going to, I'm doubting Thomas. It's funny, you are just really accepting of this. Thomas was like, well, let me finger your holes. How's me a ride? Do you want to finger my holes? No, okay. No, no, that's crazy.

We were working, so it's weird that I would show up. I'm going to take off. And with Humanity Saved, I guess we could wrap up and long for a world where I don't know who this movie was for. I almost wrote that in my nose. Who is this movie? And I'm like, I know exactly his fucking. It's for me. I love. Yeah, I was going to say.

Well, yeah, us too. And while that does it for our review of the carpenter, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to circle back around to the front. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The shameless siren of the Bible marries the aging king Ahab and unleashes God's wrath with her plan to indoctrinate

the people of Israel in paganism. We'll be watching The Sins of Jezabelle. Oh, more porn, awesome. So with that to look forward to your program being episode number 5.55 to our merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you like to get yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at p.matero on every version of Godawful and there by our early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows to skating a sensation in DNA-e-N-e-e-N-e-e-Miness and the skeptic read.

If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, email, Goddauffammovies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Rice, a lot of negative of draft from Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio video, Morgan Kirk, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week.

For Heath and Wright and Eli Bossing, I'm no illusiness, promise it to work harder. I'll end up the check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Jesus remains stuck in traffic on the way back. ETA text got left on red, and it's... Aw. Orrin spent the rest of his life wondering,

what the fucking apostles had that he didn't. The makers of this movie were burned at the stake for their heresy in literally every century except this one. Yep. Including the 20th. Yeah. Yeah. No, 100%. Hopefully not.

We'll see. We'll see. We'll figure it out. We'll see what magic our little rumble stilts can work out for us. Now that you called him that, he's going to fucking all up. Why? He doesn't feel, like he doesn't think he's our rumble stilts got up. That's a compliment.

Okay. He's not hearing this. He's asleep. All right. Better help that. And then I told him, actually, the original rocket had J5 thrusted. Wait, sorry. I fucked that up.

Oh, well, I've been you on now, so I'm fucking thinking you'll lose in that shit. I'm worried. I'm not. No, coming back from there. All right. Sorry, yeah, that's a tough one. Okay, here we go. If you've ever wanted to relate to Anna, that was your chance.

stopping yawning for ely is like stopping peeing it like stains yeah right okay were you guys hoping this whole time for first of all like a steel chair but a wooden chair yes of course and they never do that they do a torch but not a chair

there were so many opportunities for Jesus to get into these fights yeah right I was hoping for when they flash to like the Jesus lesson you know he gets the flashback to like what I learned and it's just like the turn the other cheek lesson so he just keeps getting punched over and over for you.

Yes, that would have been great. I thought Jesus was going to fight because he was so ripped. I was like, is Jesus going to fight? Well, they teased us with that. Certainly teased with that. Yeah. Just like, he's just got like the one gently moot. Because you can't, he can't take a punch, right? Christ has to do

full Spider-Man. All right. Interstitial 3. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment abuse or other harm to their hotline at 617249455 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.