God Awful Movies - 556: Sins of Jezebel

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

We're joined by the inimitable Cara Santa Maria for an atheist review of Sins of Jezebel, one of many biblical stories of women being the source of evil in the world.---This episode is sponsored by Mint Mobile. Use the link below to help support the show.mintmobile.com/gam---If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: patreon.com/GodAwfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook page.

Lorum is also kind of jealous and mad. He knows that she's making out with Jayhu sometimes and suspects they're fucking fucking. Yeah, and he's been like in the friend zone his whole relationship with her and doing that thing that guys do where they blame her for that. It's the I've just been waiting until my turn

because, you know, she's a fucking sex object. Yeah. That's exactly accurate. It's so fucking gross. This movie's so gross. An awful movie. Movies. Welcome back to Godafel movies.

We're each week, we watch another terrible movie, so you don't have to. I'm your host, Heathenright, and I'm joined by the Keatsy and Eli Bosnick, Eli. How's it going? Heath Endrette. Long have I waited to feast my ears upon thee again? Whole episode, everybody.

Buckle in. This voice. Why do I do intros like that? I set it up. I set it up. And we also have a grizzled veteran of god-awful movies, who gets lots of questions about what the blackmail looks like that Eli has.

Kara, Santa Maria of the Talk Nerdy podcast. Kara, welcome back. Mm-hmm. No comment. Wink. Got it. I'm here. It's Tower 7.

That's the blackmail I have on her. So, Kara, what are we going to be breaking down today? Well, we watched Sins of Jezebel. It's the story of, I mean, do I have to tell you, it's pretty much all right there in the title. Yeah, it's right there in the title. It is. Ed, Eli, how bad was sins of Jezebel? Well, if you love the titillating stories of the Bible's wildest babes, but you wish everyone had the looks of the hard-smoking 60s and 70s, you will love this movie. Yeah, and this is in the 50s. They were already looking like the 60s and 70s.

Oh, yeah. It's fucking brutal. And the sexy dress. We'll get to. We'll get a lot of really, really old white guys in ancient Israel and Lebanon and Syria. Yeah. All right. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best, being the worst at?

I mean, I had a few options, but ultimately, I think I'm going to go with best, worst men who are very easy to. convinced to do whatever you want because they're very stupid and very horny. Okay. We invited you on our podcast, not to insult. Oh, you're talking about the movie. Okay, sorry. Sorry. I feel like Kara's not going to take the movie seriously and learn the lesson.

There's a really important lesson in here about when your girlfriend wants to go to brunch with her friends. You got to say no. Or if Israel will fall. All right. I was going to go with Best Best Best. very funny execution. The funny as possible.

You just got there first. We see a stoning and it's truly humorous somehow. Oh, see, I actually think there is an execution that is funnier in the movie. Okay, we'll be our fight now. Love it. And I, of course, am going to go with best, worst, seductress voice

because this is about Jezabel, the Foreign Beauty and Worshiper of Ball. who tore apart Israel's very foundations with her seductions. And she's played by an actress who will be using the mid-Atlantic accent the entire time. All of a sudden, it's Gretchen Whitmer talking to you. It's the best. Oh, hello, my king.

You vented my chambers in junk. Yeah. Fun fact, I very much enjoyed it. I worked for me. I jerked off to this movie. No comment like Kara from earlier. Thank you. Okay.

Hey, we're just going to go ahead and take a quick break. Keep it classes. And then for whatever reason, we're taking a break. And then we'll be back to give Kara the opportunity to answer for all the sins of her people. It's not to jerk off Kara. Sins of Jezebel. It's a normal break, a non-churchoff break. Normal.

All right, everybody. Welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for the sins of Jezebel. Ooh, Jezbel. Now, the point in this film is to remind everybody about one of the most important stories of the Bible, that of Jezebel. Really? Yeah, Jezebel seems like kind of a minor figure.

What are you guys talking about? She turns Israelites to balls. It's like a whole thing. Yeah, but at that point in the Bible, the Jews disobey God literally every chapter. The only difference is that Jezebel is, you know, a woman. Well, yeah, but that not. makes it like way worse.

Right. So I feel like the best way for us to tell this story is to get a hot lady, the 50s version of naked, and then we show her smooch a bunch of dudes. Oh, nice, great idea. This will make lots of people more pious. I'm on board. I should have stuck with directing porn. You say that a lot, Phil.

Seriously, give it back now. Just tell me the number to call Matt Damon and I will. Hey, all. What's up? Eli stole my phone. trying to get Matt Damon's number again. Yeah, honestly, he keeps spelling celebrity names on the keypad and hitting send. It's costing me a fortune.

I know that's how it works, Kara. You can't fool me. Look, Kara, I can't stop Eli from stealing your phone or selling tea bags filled with your cut-up socks. But you can save a bunch of money on your bill by switching to Mint Mobile. Wait, wait. What did you say? What's Mint Mobile, you asked? That's what you said just now.

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then full-price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. All right. I tried Tom Hanks, but he was doing a weird accent and then he yelled at me, so... Eli. What's this about?

my socks. Guys, we have to get back to recording the podcast. Yeah, can we just roll on it? It's not a roll on it. Why do I keep coming here? A blackmail. And we're back. And we're going to start with some orchestral music.

I'm told it's sweeping according to the most captioning. And we get a narrator giving us the book of Genesis. And he says, in the beginning there was, sorry, he does the radio voice. In the beginning, there was nothing but darkness and silence. And we get darkness and silence for a second. And then he goes, shit, that's a bad movie. Yeah. Now, to be clear, this opening montage will be moving a camera across a shitty painting

that kind of has all the things he describes in it. Yeah. I wasn't sure yet if this was going to be like a film film or an animated film. And it's also from like 1959. Is that right? Free. Yeah, something in the 50s, yeah. Yeah.

So it was hard to tell what we were watching. beginning. I do like that when he said, and then there were fish, and they showed a whale. Yeah. Water, a swell of fish. Fuck, God damn it. Yeah. So, yeah, they're panning across this cartoon landscape, showing us like fish and birds and Adam and Eve.

And then the narrator walks into the frame wearing like a warlock suit jacket, maybe judges robes or something. Judges robes, yes. Wasn't sure why. And he's like, oh, hello, I was talking from over here, just outside of that. I was just ruling Plessy v. Ferguson. Pretty sure that decision was awesome. Yeah, it occurred to me that if all the guys in the 50s were talking like that in that, like, radio voicey thing, it must have felt crazy all the time.

That's just a weird voice to put on. I don't know. It feels like the vibes would have been nuts. Especially because it seems like only men talk to that way, right? Because you don't see old-timey ladies being like, hello, it's me. And now, right? Like, ladies have talked normal forever, which means some lady was just like sitting there,

she finished cleaning of all the things, and then he was like, hello, darling. I wanted to talk to you about our second son. What are you doing with your voice? What do you mean? It's crazy. Just say regular.

Speech and diction. Okay. Regular. I think my least favorite thing that everyone in this movie says, but especially it starts right here with the judge narrator is evil. Yeah.

Why did they say, When they say evil, I don't understand. Evil. You can't not do it with the radio voice. It's just like locked in. Yeah, see? Yeah, yeah. It's like, exactly.

It's like the gangster thing. That's about, she's evil, see? Yeah, exactly. Evil. Evil. We left certain unique adorableisms behind when we reached modernity. Like, I'm sad we don't say robot anymore. When we put the hard o.

We can. Yeah. You bring it back a lot. Once they start getting married. You like to say program instead of program. I do say program. Yeah, and I say robot. Yeah, you got a little radio voice going.

I'm getting ready. Why is the bad God named Ball? It's actually dope because what's amazing is like, while the Hebraic record of what Lightning God was supposed to look like and act like and talk like is relatively well preserved, ball is fucking game of telephone with all the gods combined, right? So like, bail, which is who they're probably basing Ball on, is not a, cow god, but there was a cow god like four fucking municipalities over,

and they were like, fucking bear's not scary enough, he's the cow guy. And then there was like, there was one god who maybe they burned babies too, but it wasn't bears. They were like, and they're the ones who burned the babies. They've just smooched all the gods into Judea, Christianity, Islam, and they're like, yeah,

it's that one. Well, and here's some fun irony. I just, a Wikipedia ball. Northwest Semitic title and honorific, meaning owner, lord, or master, originating in the Levant. So like Phoenicia, which is where they talk about, you know, what's her name again? Jezebel from Tyre.

Yeah. Yeah. But it was originally used to describe a husband or the owner of property before being applied to various local fertility and storm deities. So there's, yeah, this is like layers deep with the women ownership. Yeah. Yeah, with the slavery and the sexism and slaves. So, yeah, Judaism right away was like,

that's got to be a commandment, no doing that guy. And that's what we get here from the narrator. He walks like menacingly toward the camera to talk about good and evil for a second or evil. With a weird little hand. Did you guys notice how small his hand? Yep. They're very tiny. Yeah.

And he tells us about the 10 commandments, starting of course with, you know, God monogamy, number one, the jealousy commandment. And number two, out of 10 or 12, no graven images of, you know, the polycule of gods, We don't like that. Yeah. And it introduces that, yeah, people tried to destroy God's commandments back then, and they worshipped the pagan god, bail. He says, there was evil again, and a woman behind the evil.

Yeah. The last thing the narrator says is like, by the way, this is all a woman's fault. Okay, movie, go. Title card. And then, oh, yes. And then we get all of the people who made the movie who are all men. All of them, the wardrobe stylist, man, makeup are. man, I cannot imagine being that poor actress in the 50s and a man.

You mean Paulette Godard? Yeah. Seriously, I was looking at the credits. The only women that I saw were the actress playing Jezebel and one hairstylist. Everybody else. Stanley, Carl, Frank, William, two Thomases. Yeah, all the ones I wrote down. Elmer.

Elmer's going to do your makeup now. Yeah. Movie buffs will remember Paulette Goddard. was Charlie Chaplin's leading lady for a really long time. But it turns out that talking, not her strong suit, should have stuck with modern times in the Great Dictator. Yeah, a lot of dudes. Seems like we did pretty well wrestling economic justice for men

from Jezebel's matriarchy of that in the day. So that's good for us. Anyway, we cut to 9th century before Christ, city of Jezrael. And we learned that Ahab ruled over Israel, King Ahab. He's in his palace and he's getting a massage from a karate guy and then he takes a meeting. Yeah. Hey guys, what year was real massage developed? Because I don't know what this extra's doing, but it's not massage. And it's like a weirdly, it's like attempting to be like a Swedish style massage.

I don't think they had an ancient Israel. I don't imagine they did. It feels like the extra didn't realize he was going to be experienced. to massage another dude and has like full-blown 1950s homophobia about it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Like if I made a stranger at gunpoint on the street, massage me on a massage table, this is the massage I feel like I would get.

It's a strange vibe. And Prophet Elijah walks in. He's got the meeting with the king. And he wants Ahab to support Judaism more because the ancient Israel lands are divided a little bit in terms of religion. He's carrying a shepherd's crook, and he will throughout the movie. I don't know why you would carry it

when you're not shepherding, but that's his prop. I think they just thought they've seen Moses in some old movies. They were like, the prophet always carries a big stick. Yeah. Because they're just out there shepherding all day

and making up stories about talking to God. I think that's just like how one profits. Okay. Yeah. A lot of sheep fucking and storytelling. Yeah. It's like how Brad Pitt always wants

an apple. when he's acting, you know, if you want to do prophecy, you want to have a crook, something like that. What do I do with my hand? Yeah, right. Exactly. So Prophet Elijah shows up and Ahab, he gets up from his ancient Israeli massage table that has like a facehole. And he takes his towel off and flashes everyone as like a crazy power move, I guess. Yeah.

Yeah. Now, he'll later be wearing shorts underneath the towel. We said that in the later shot. But I spent the rest of this scene being like, no one's going to acknowledge that the king just opened his towel and showed him his big wet dong, his big oil covered dong. Yeah.

Yeah, we find out at the end of the scene that Ahab was apparently a never nude. That's canon from the Bible. Yeah. But he gets up, he flashes everybody, and then he starts talking to Elijah. He tells Elijah to, like, preach whatever he wants. Ahab, by the way, looks like Martin Short, which is an interesting pick for the region and the time.

Yeah, Elijah is going on and on about how. Ahab needs to make sure we're only talking about Jehovah and like you can't marry this bitch Jezebel that you're planning on marrying. Yeah, why can't you marry a nice Jewish girl? Yeah, marry a nice, exactly. And I'm thinking to myself, is this Ahab's third merit? Because he, I mean, he looks about 60 with a bad die job. Yes. Right?

He's had a few. Like this is not a young man. Well, to be fair, the actor was 15. It was just hard times in the 50s. I want to talk about Elijah. Elijah's hype man here because Elijah's hype man, and this never comes back. Elijah's hype man is like, I hear she dips her hands in the blood of her victims. And Ahab's like, no man, she paints her nails.

And he's like, fuck, I feel like I ruined it. Elijah was saying something super important. And I just, I wanted to yes and, but then I read on a yukak that she dipped her hands into a blood of victims. Yeah, it's tricky when you, you know, you hate your friend's girlfriend or, you know, person they're engaged to. But he's also the king. So you have to like tread. really lightly about that. But Ahab has answers.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Jezebel's going to be awesome. She brings connections from tire. That'll get us, you know, straight to her moves, trade routes. We're all good. Yeah, he's really, yeah, doing a lot of diplomacy here.

And at one point, he's like, Elijah, you will not send me to my grave without my having possessed this woman. It's like, she's saying the quiet part, real loud there. Yeah, 50s, it was just the normal volume part. Right. But they're Elijah and his advisor guy. They're mad that Jezebel's going to bring false gods to Israel.

Ahab's like, no, it's fine. And during that speech where he's trying to explain that to them, he's holding his towel as best he can around in. But he's having so much trouble with it. I'm caught. I'm stuck. I put it around my hat. Now I'm a ghost. I'm underneath.

Right. So they end the meeting. And then G. He was like, okay, face up. time. And then we see he's not naked under the towel, actually. That's the most dangerous part of the massage. That's always the not fun part. Yeah. This is when the army captain named Jayhu shows up. He's going to be one of our main characters. He got summoned by Ahab for another meeting. And if you're the kid, I wouldn't take meetings during

massage time. It just kind of like ruins it and it makes it weird for everybody. But he's got a meeting with Jayhu as well. But that's all they do. All that royalty does in this film is, lounge about and be touched. Oh, God, that sounds amazing. Yeah, I know, it kind of does. This is the part where I'm like, wow. I mean, I'm already like, wow, men are creepy, like within the first two seconds of this movie.

But, like, when Jayhu walks in, right, he's like a soldier, like a lead soldier guy, and he walks in to talk to Ahab. He runs into this old dude who is the father of his girlfriend. Yeah, Nabath. Yeah, Naboth. Yeah, Naboth is the father. Later, we'll find out his girlfriend is.

Deborah or Debra or however. Debbie. Yeah, Debby. I'll tell you, Jayhoo, I don't trust her at all. I don't like to talk not nice about another lady. You know me, I'm a girl's girl. Love nothing more than hanging out with my gal's on a Saturday night. But this Jericho be all girl, I don't know what she's into, you know.

She's up to trouble. She's not on the party line. I call her once a week and just just beep, beep, beep. What's she busy doing? I'll tell you, sin. Just dip in her nails in the blood of her victims. Yeah, victim. Yeah, I heard that tool.

Most smartest. I like Mabelene. Now, Mabelian really works on my knees. Anyway, so he's like, nah. We cut it, but me and Kara did that improv for another four and a half hours podcast listener. We, this is the next day. You'll better believe I watched Drop Dead gorgeous real recently. I jumped into, I was a list of slot, and it was fun.

We had a good conversation. We talked about our favorite. Hot dish. So he comes in and he's like, hey, what up? Nahab, haven't seen your daughter in a while but can't wait to bone her. And Nahab's like, yeah, boy, that's fucking hot. And it's so creepy. Yeah, that's so weird moment.

It's the creepiest conversation. Yeah, definitely. Why are guys like this? I guess the target audience for this movie likes it. I don't know. I think it's better than the weird awkwardness you're supposed to have with a father-in-law today. No, it's not, Eli. Hear me out. Open your heart, Kara.

Open your heart. We just did five and a half improvs. We had a full dinner together. Open your heart. Because here's the thing. Eli has this exact relationship with his father. Yes. He always is like, get in there, slugger. No, here's the thing. Today, father-in-law relationship, you're supposed to talk about anything except the fact that you fuck their kid.

Right? Yeah. As nature intended. That's not what nature intended. You're supposed to chill with your bro. You're supposed to high five with your pro. All right. So the entire point in this meeting is Ahab tells Jayhu he's got to go get Jezebel and escort her back to the palace because she's on her way to become the new queen, princess, whatever. They're about to get married.

He also says Ahab tells Jay who he's like, make sure she knows that like, I'm really excited about fucking. But don't say it like that. Say it like really. You'll come up with something good. Say something romantic. Say it nice. Yeah. which is a tough, tough assignment.

Well, it's also like the worst foreshadowing ever for like a Tristan and his old story. Yeah. Which is clearly happening here. Right. Like, oh, the hot young guy is going to go woo the new queen on behalf of the like 60 year old king who doesn't know any big words. Yeah. Yeah. This is like Marcellus Wallace being like, take my wife out. Uma Thurman. Yeah. Right.

Mm-hmm. So then we get Jayhu riding a chariot to get. Jezebel from wherever. She's already on the way, though. She's got a military escort from Tyre. And Jay, who's just there to do, like, extra guarding. I feel like a palanquin, we see her palanquin bobbin along. I feel like a palanquin would make you nauseous as fuck.

Oh, fuck, yeah, it would. Right? 90% of what you must have done in a palanquin is just vomit. Yeah. Yeah. Especially with all the drapes clothes. You can't see the horizon. Yeah.

Not good. Yeah. She's got those weird water goggles on in the back of her palenquin. Help with her vestibular. One second, guys. One second. That'll be out in a second. I've got to take off these goggles and this acupressure bracelet that doesn't work. Yeah.

So, Jayhu shows up, sees the military escort. They're a little suspect of him right away. But he's like, hey, the king wants me to do like a love poem for the new princess. And everybody's like, okay, okay. And Jezebel hears this from inside her little tent paligan thing. She pops out like fucking Jessica Rabbit. And it's so funny because we get like Grace Kelly or whatever this actress's name is as the Lebanese princess of time. Yeah, yeah.

She very white. And she's wearing like, I don't know, like this red crop top like a fucking slut. Am I right? It's hot. And at this point, oh, oh, we also meet her keeper or whatever. Oh, yeah, Lorum. Lorum. I so want his name to be Lorham Ipsum.

Like, what is that name? Very well could be. Very well could be. He is filler, filler. Yeah. And, I mean, not to be mean here, but I did write the same thing that many of you wrote when Jezebel first came out of the tent. Like, are all these people in this movie old or did they just age like spoiled milk?

Hard smoking times. Hard drinking times. How old do you think that actress was? Oh, man. That's a great quote. Like when they filmed this. She looks 50. She looks 50.

But what if she was? like 32. Could be. She looks like your mom's friend posted. Did you have a friend of your moms who got divorced

and sort of did a glow up but she's still a grown-up? That's how she's hot, right? She's like, I've been going to Pilates hot. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. She is hot, but like we're old. Yeah.

So, you know. To be there, I am aging like the characters in this movie. I'm probably having a hard time relating because I look 97. I don't know if you remember. Yeah.

She's right in my wheelhouse, hot 50-year-old divorcee. Exactly. And he says, I was like, okay, cool. That's Jezabelle. Dips her nails into the blood of her enemy. Right. So Jehu makes up a flirty message for her. And she's like, right away on board. She's like, okay, we're going to fuck.

We're definitely going to fuck to do of us. And she decides she's going to leave with Jayhu on the chariot and just go fast straight to the palace. Which I feel like is the worst if you're a paliquin guy. Now, I know what you're thinking. What are you talking about, Eli? If you're a palanquin guy, you get so much of a lighter load. You don't have to carry a person in their shit anymore. No, no, no, no.

Now you're lugging a sideways palanquin. You're fucking just dragging it along the floor. No one's even riding it anymore. We're making this harder. Can we do it upside down? Exactly. No one goes to see who steps out of your palanquin. The whole time you're walking with your palanquin, you're like, yeah, but when she steps out,

everyone's going to be like rabble, rabble, rabble. Now you've just got a big claw. box, you've got a huck six and a half miles is the worst. Can we just leave it? Can we come back for it? Ramp. Eli, the inside of your mind must be a wild place. I think about the Palakum Guys' journeys. Eli's a man of the working class. That's what he cares about. Man of the people. So they say about me. So we get Jezebel riding with Jehu. Like she's on a motorcycle with the Fonz, right? That's kind of the vibes. They really are going fast as fuck, though. Yeah. Like, I'm pretty impressed by this Oh, 1950s movies loved chariots so much.

Because cars were new enough that they were like, yeah, but fucking chariots are still cool. I feel like we've lost something. We need to get Zendaya on a chariot asap. Fuck yeah. Right. So before they get back to the palace, we meet one other character. He doesn't matter, but he's the comic release. Oh, no, don't say that because this guy is the Eli Bosnick of this movie.

He sure is. He sure is. You got to give. Gotta give your comic relief a little space to breathe, folks. They do not give this guy. He gets this bit. And then the rest of the movie, he will be delivering tragic news still as his comic relief character. Yeah.

But this is where he's trying to do his schick. He's like, ah, a chariot is like a horse. You go over one rough spot and she breaks her neck. And I was like, I don't know that that plays, man. I don't know if that played in the 50s either. Weird bit. He looks like, you know, a stooge that you don't know the name of. he's the chariot repair guy, I guess, for the palace.

His name's Yankle. And he doesn't like his own name, which is fair. And his accent's like straight from Brooklyn. Yes, he's Carl the Buck of a Becker-Corps. He's Carl, yes, absolutely. So we meet him for a second. And then Jayhu and Jezbole ride up. Yankle fucks up the interaction with the princess because he's awkward and bian.

So, you know, yeah, comic relief character. I can't help but notice I see your belly button. Does that be one there? I'm such an idiot. Yeah, he's got a little Chris Farley show going on to. He's Eli Bosnick. Yeah, exactly. He's got a lot of Eli.

Uncle Bosnick right there. Uncle Bosnick. Right. So then we cut inside the palace and we see Ahab picking out a necklace to give to Jezbel and then Jehu and Jezboll walk in. Yeah, and he's like, my king, I have brought you the princess. Sorry she's got a bunch of dust on her and flies in her teeth. We went really fast for some reason.

And King Ahab strikes out so hard here. It's really dark. He's like, I am in love with you, my queen. And she's like, thank you. Handshank. Yeah, he comes in a little too hot. He comes in a little too hot. And then we learn that he's set up chambers for her,

but they're not quite married yet. So he can't go into that bedroom until after they get married. So she gets taken off to the chambers. And there's a, there's a gun. for this moment. He's like, okay, Sarah, servant, take her to the chambers. Gong guy?

Gong guy? And we get a gong just to be like, there we go. I wanted him to be on his phone and be like, fuck. Oh, God damn it. I'm so sorry. I waited all day. You haven't needed me.

And now it blew my moment. Yeah. They'll use it one more time. So I don't know. I kind of like the idea of a gong, just be in the beginning of stuff. Yeah, you would. That's like,

Heath would hire a gong guy. I can completely see walking into Heath's apartment, his empty, barren apartment with one chair. I would do that. And there's just gong guy standing in the corner, and he's like, wait for it. And here we go. Yeah.

So she goes off with the servant to her chambers for the night. Which her servant's pretty hot too. So she's got like a chamber maid and a servant. Yeah. And they're like the only other women in the whole movie. That is it. Yes. And I was, and then she's like, come, my lady, I will prepare your bath. And I was like, which direction is this movie? Yeah. Let's fucking go.

But no. But no. But no. But sadly no. We got back to Ahab and Jayhu. And Ahab remembers he forgot to give her the necklace. And he's like, fuck, I can't go in her room. Jayhu, you got to do it. You got to go in there. God, this guy is so stupid. Yeah. Right. Jayhu, I forgot to fuck her. Will you go in there and fuck her for me?

I mean, oh. Yeah. Oh, God. So Jayhu walks into her chambers, gives her the necklace. Jezbel's like, ladies, servant ladies, get the fuck out. I'm doing a thing. And they're like, get it. Yeah.

Like, they know what's out. Yeah. They're like sneaking peaks on the way out. Let us know if he's Jay huge. You know what I'm saying? We have fun. So, oh, so, so yeah. She's got a plan for sure.

Jezabel makes Jayhu put the necklace on her and she like turns backwards and like she's learning to play pool for the first time in a movie. Yeah. She's this great moment where she's like, they say your people are generous. And I'm like, hey lady, they don't say that about our people. They say a lot about our people. But that's the one rumor that's never circled about us. I appreciate it. Yeah, she says that. And Jayhu touches her shoulder for way too. long, which is super awkward. But then she's like, she's injured. She's flirting with him, obviously. And she's like, I want to learn more about you people. Your fighting style, your sexual style, both combined together.

That would be awesome. But it works. And they have some sex off camera for a second. Yeah. But it's like, I feel like there's, the sexual tension is kind of like in this scene. And it just makes me wonder how the people in the audience of this movie felt getting turned on by the. the quote, bad guy, the bad woman in a Bible story.

Like, it must have given them the uh-ohs a little bit. Eli, you said it weird. You got to not make mm-hmm noises. No, it was a good, yummy. It was a good, yummy noise. That's the point in this movie. Eli almost was like, shicks. I married one.

Yes. The Jews who controlled Hollywood knew exactly what they were doing. These are the guys who watched Hollywood by making this movie. I like it. I like it. All right, well, we learned a lot about the, the people of the Jewish faith just now, including Eli, and especially, you know, sexually. I think it's time for a quick break, and then we'll be back with more sins of Jezbo.

My king, we must speak with you. Very well. Mussoos away. Tell me, advisors. What do you need? It is about your bride. It is essential that you maintain our allegiance to the God of Israel. Of course.

You think that I'm not the truth. Duke. Seriously? Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. A little slip there. Anyways, our priests must know. Sorry, sorry. Just give me a second. That was a lot. Yeah, man. That was a full face of King Dog.

Okay, you guys are the ones who walked in during my massage. Sure, okay? Sure, but you were like covered when we came in. Yeah, man. You didn't need to adjust the towel. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you wanted me to rule my kingdom from inside the hole in the massage table. Okay, nobody's saying that. That's not what we're saying. You're just being silly, sir.

It's fine. The point is, we must tell our priests. And it's poking out again. You know what, let's catch up at lunch? Yeah, that sounds good. It's a weird shape. And we're back. When we left off, Jezebel had seduced Captain Jayhu

the night before her wedding to King Ahab. And now we're going to cut to the big wedding feast. And we just see Jayhu glaring at Ahab and Jezabell with bunch of jealousy going on. Yeah. I like her hat. She's wearing a kind of, I don't want to say crown. It's more of a, like a solid gold headband.

Yeah. She has some cool hats. Yeah, she's got good head stuff, good hat stuff. She's got some good hat business going on to the thing. I feel like she brought her own hats to the table when I came here. She was like. Oh, clearly. That was what was in the caravan.

Oh, yeah. It was a lot of hats. At one point, she's got like golden headphones. Yeah, we all wrote the same thing. Yeah, they're like some blinked out beats. Looks like Donald Trump branded beats, yeah. Yeah. Beets by Dreidel.

There it is. Well done. Well done. Cheers. I'm giving you a cheers. I'm giving you a cheers. Maybe we'll go on vacation. Maybe we did.

Yeah, we can do that. I'll check with Cecil. So the other thing we see here is Deborah. Carol, go on vacation. We need real quick. Carol, real quick, we have to go on vacation. together. I'll go on vacation with you.

I have gone on vacation with you, Eli. We did. Actually, all three of us did go on vacation again. That was awesome, yeah. But if you think about it, Heath wasn't really there emotionally. No, I was, and you were stranded in the UK because you forgot your passport

or whatever the fuck. Oh, yeah, you weren't there, Eli. Just me and Heath. Yeah, but I feel like I'm... It was me, Heath, Ann, and Anna. You weren't thinking. Yeah, but I think of it. I feel like I'm so present in our lives.

It's like, I was there. I was just eating like Welsh rarebit sandwiches very angrily and sadly in some diner in Manchester the whole time. Rolling dice for a Warhammer tournament. Actually what I was doing. Okay. So we're at the wedding feast. We also see Jayhu's girlfriend here, Deborah, we mentioned earlier. And she notices the very obvious staring that's happening.

Mm-hmm. Their eye-fucking. Yeah. Just very clearly. Yeah. like you're I fucking the princess. I can see that. And also she's very beautiful, but also clearly evil. I have woman's intuition on this, so I know she's evil. Yeah, she says women can tell when other women are evil. Kara, is that true? You have to tell me if that's the power ladies have.

There's no such thing as evil, Eli. You know that, right? I feel like you're covering up for evil. That's what you would say. That's what you would say if you knew which ladies were eating. Yes. You and Elizabeth Holmes getting together for brunch, don't tell them that we can tell when the other one's evil. Yeah. That's a great Elizabeth Holmes, by the way. Yeah, I just talk like a man. Right. So they have a little fight about that for a second off to the side. And then Ahab, he gives a speech. He, you know, knocks on his glass with his fork, gives a speech in the third person referring to himself as Ayab. And then there's a big, awkward silence. Like he ends what he believes to be his really cool speech. And he's the

fucking king. And everybody's like, oh, you're done. You're done. Cool. Oh, okay. Cool. So he's kind of bad. And he's like, all right, whatever. I'm going to take off with Jezabelle. And he's like, shit face drunk. Yeah. Yeah. That's so depressing. Yeah. Not a good play. You got to paste that out, man. We see the shish kebabs, but it looks like, it looks like somebody put a bunch of marshmallows on a stick. And they like, it when you light him on fire because they're like, you know, they get extra caramelized, which I do. Yeah, they're burning. Yeah.

And then we cut to the bedroom and he's like, hey, Jezebel, like, I'm really excited about this. Pretend I'm not the king. Like, I want you to just like want me like for without king authority. And Jezeb was like, nah, that kind of ruins it for me. I don't know. No. Build me a temple. Yeah.

But finally, yeah, she's like, you know what? really turns me on temple to ball. I wrote in my notes, this is what my mom pictured when I married a boy. She was like, oh, no, on their wedding night, she's going to ask for a temple to ball. There's nothing I'll be able to do about it. Right, yeah. So Ahab's like, oh, man, you're supposed to like become Jewish. I thought that was deal.

You're going to curse the whole house. And Jezebel's like, a reminder about sex. I'm dangling sex. And he's like, all right, Temple. about her. Yeah, no, you can have a little two temples to ball. Yeah, she literally goes, I have no kingdom to give.

I'm only a woman. She's talking about her pussy just yeah, she 100% is talking about her pussy. And can I say, worked in the 1950s, worked in ancient Israel, works now. God, you guys are dumb. If any of you don't, we shouldn't be telling you this, but if anybody

out there wants a temple to I'll probably get it from some dude. Like, I would buy a temple a ball from Home Depot tomorrow. And not just because it's Mother's Day. I would just... We can build a temple to the ball. Whatever you want.

Sure, hon. It's fucking great. I'll put it right next to the pond. Right. God. So he promises the temple as a wedding present, but then he immediately passes out

and they do not consummate the marriage. That's a win-win for her. I was very confused by that. I thought that they were about to get into some kinky shit because it's like one second he's standing up and the next second he's on all fours. But then she puts like a blanket over him.

and walks away. Yeah. It's kind of like a corpse. Yeah. What is this? Right. So we cut straight from there to the new temple of ball. They're doing a ceremony.

And this was, I laughed a lot. They're doing a song, like the Ball song by the ancient Israel acapella group as the beginning of the ceremony. I thought it was kind of good. It was kind of nice. Yeah.

I kind of like the scene. It felt very like New Age California cult. Yes. Like, yeah, there's, yeah, I dug it. I would have given. if I were making this movie, I would have given Ball a less melodic hymn, right? I would have gone with like a minor

hymn and maybe make it a little less nice because it was kind of very, it was a cappella and it was very sweet. And I was like, this is a weird vibe to invoke for the bull god of child sacrifice. Guys, this seems clearly better than Judaism. You're kind of fucking up your whole thing.

Oh yeah. It's like so fun. It has belly dancers and shit. Oh, yeah. Well, we get the song for a second And then immediately a dancer lady just pops up from inside like a ball cake, like a stripper kind of, and starts dancing. Right. And to be clear, this lady is supposed to be fucking naked. To be clear, she is wearing what would be considered a relatively prudish swimsuit today. Right? Like it is a high school gymnastics outfit today. But in the 1950s, when this movie came out, we are looking at all the holes, according to 1950s morality.

And also they use the gong again. You know, you got to use a gong if you have a gong. So the gong starts her dance. And she does like modern dance. Yeah, it's not, it's not, she doesn't really know how to belly dance. But she's doing modern dance in like a really kind of racist and stereotypical belly dancer costume. Yeah. Very much so.

If you asked me to start a fight with a belly dancer through the medium of dance, this is what I would do to convince. her to kick me. The dance is supposed to be, you know, like evil seductress style of, you know, tire or whatever. It's supposed to be like that, but it's just boring as fuck. And everybody's like, oh, it's, oh, it's modern, you did your modern dancer. Cool. No, we'll just want to watch this. You train with Martha Graham.

She's alive right now, so that makes sense. Everyone's acting like, just like a random person stood up from a dinner party and began dancing. And everybody's like, oh, you're going to, you're going to do that for what you're going to do modern dance to show us what you're talking about for a while. Okay. Heath, you speak with the privilege of a man who's never been at a dinner party where someone started dancing. Can I tell you?

Okay, what did you act like? I held perfectly still while my wife bored a hole in the side of my head with her eyes is what I did. I tried not to breathe for four and a half minutes. Okay, that's what happens a lot, though, just Anna having to be like, no roosting. I'll fucking kill you. Yep, 100% of the time. Oh, boy.

So we get a little bit more dance and then a troop of dancers comes out. And then even more dancers come out. This time, some guys. Yeah, I was waiting for the manhors. They're all shirtless and sexy. And everybody's like doing the whirling dervish thing. It's exciting. All the dudes in the audience are like really turned on too.

It's like a weird, I don't know, like hypnotism thing. Right, right. It's hypnotizing the good people of Indian. It's real, I guess. The good people. Yeah. So when the guys come out to start dancing, that's when Jayhu is like, this is too much for me. He storms out.

Yeah. He's like, I'm getting a little chubby over here. I need to check myself. I have to go to the balcony. So he leaves. And then Jezebel makes very weird, suspicious, hard eye contact with a bunch of people in the room. And then also sneaks out to go see Jayhu on the balcony. Oh.

Did you guys note it? This was going to be my best worst. Do you notice that whenever she's going to evil, she raises her eyebrow and goes, evil, evil, evil face. Yeah, she's got like a Dwayne the Rock Johnson, like people's eyebrow for evil. Like a doctor evil. Yeah. Blink, blink, blink, blink. Yeah.

Yeah. So she goes out of the balcony and she's like, oh, hey, Jayh. You're scared of a sexual awakening from that atrocious dancing? I'm tired. And he's like, no, no, but then more kissing. They, you know, she like flirts with him a bit more and they start making out. Not afraid of ball. It's because I wanted to smooch you so bad.

And she's like, okay, well, we can smooge out on the balcony. Yeah. But just then, we cut back inside into the palace and Elijah the prophet storms in. He's got the crook. And he's like, I command you to cease in the name of Jehovah. They were about to throw main dancer girl into the fire pit, right? Oh, do you think that was a sacrifice there? So I think that may, look, it might have just been the dance move.

I believe we're supposed to believe that they're about to throw her into the fire pit. And I wanted her to be like, okay, so what do I do with my afternoon? I didn't make plans, guys. I thought I was being sacrificed to ball. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the silly thing. I didn't do my taxes. About this, right? Is that if that's what we're supposed to think, it does not come across.

What comes across is this religion is fun. Yeah. You know? Just very clearly the better one that's more fun. It's like sexy and there's like lots of like pleasure and everyone looks really happy. Modern damn. I like that one better than the Jehovah one where like the crazy like the town raving lunatic. Where one old white guy comes in and yells at everybody.

Exactly. It's not a fun religion for me. Yeah. He comes in. He does a huge scoldy speech in favor of his religion. And he's like, guys, this is like literally the first and second commandment. You got to be kidding me. So God is normally pretty.

cool about stuff here in the Old Testament times. No, he's not. Shut up. No questions. Hands down. This is too far for God. We're going to get a big drought now as a curse from God. You did this. Yeah, not because we live in the middle of the fucking desert. Right.

That's not why drought. It's God. Elijah's big speech here actually works quite well. Everybody's like immediately contrite. And they're just like, oh, that is the first and second amendment. shit. And he just walks out being like, yeah, I nailed that speech. And I wanted one more thing to happen in the scene, but it doesn't. I wanted the dancers to awkwardly have to start again, because they obviously have to stop when this old-ass guy comes in and starts yelling. And then they're like, do it two, three, four, no, nobody's doing it. Okay. She stands up and she's like,

come on, fellas, big finish. Nope. Okay, sorry. This read this moment. But we're going to do the lift. Ah, fine, fine. So now we see. see the terrible drought curse from God. And there's a big windstorm and stuff. Which is just like insert shots of L.A. Of dry. Yeah, right? It's just the L.A. It's just the ground in Los Angeles.

This is boring too. Damn it. Right. And we see an angry mob being held back by the palace guards because the drought's like killing a bunch of people and they're all just yelling like, this is obviously the false God thing, right? Like obviously the first commandment they fucked up. Oh yeah. This is like, this is full South.

park level like rabble rousing with bad ADR. It's like rabble, rabble. Oh, 100%. It's because of the Jezabel. Right. Yeah, luckily everyone heckles in ancient Israel in full sentences, which I really appreciated. Everybody's like, I'll tell you, this is because of Jezabel. That's my opinion. I'm down here at the bottom of the balcony. Right. So from the big rabble mob, we cut inside to Jezebel's chambers. And she's talking with her advisor guy, Loram, he's worried about the starving rabble. Jezabel doesn't care. She's like, we got the army, we're good to go. Yeah, she's just like seductive lounging.

She doesn't have a worry in the world, dipping her fingers in the blood of her victims. Right. Yeah. What does she say at one point? She's like, I don't trust poor people or something like that. I wrote my notes. I get it, Jezab. So Loram is also kind of jealous and mad. He knows that she's making out with Jayhu sometimes and he suspects they're fucking. Yeah, and he's been. like in the friend zone, his whole relationship with her. Right.

And doing that thing that guys do where they blame her for that. Yeah, absolutely. That is, that is, that is the character of, you know, Philip Filler, Loram Ipsum. Yeah, that's his whole thing. 100%. It's the, I've just been waiting until my turn because, you know, she's a fucking sex object.

Yeah. That's exactly accurate. It's so fucking gross. This movie's so gross. Yeah. But Jezabelle's like, yeah, no. I mean, yeah, I'm definitely fucking that guy. And, you know, he was faithfully Jewish, but not anymore because he's got ball in his blood now.

And her plan that she explains here, she's going to, like, pray to ball or do a ceremony for ball. And that's going to bring rain. And then Elijah's going to look dumb. But then for a second, this was great. She, like, kind of admits a little bit of atheism. She's like, or not. I don't know. The ball thing's just like window.

Rain just happens eventually. So we literally just wait. And I win. If we could do that way, too. Yeah. And they have this weird moment of establishing. lore where Lorum Ipsum is like what happened to the girl with love

in her heart? And she's like this isn't really part of the Bible story but I don't know I'm the queen now Right. Were we in a relationship Is that what you're saying? You're like You once saw me in love and now I'm not in love

Do you want me to pretend to be the girl? Is this a role play thing? You have to tell me on the chat thread for scenes what you want the scene to be. You can't just fucking bring it up. Right. So, yeah, she's flirting with Lorham, too. She's just stringing him on a little bit.

That's the character. She is not. Well, that's the character is Jesd. Whoa, not cool. He's just being Jezebel. Exactly. Yeah. She can't help it that she's fucking hot, man.

Yes. Fair enough. It's not something she does two men. Yeah, that's what Heath always says. And I'm always like, what? That's crazy. Don't say that about girls. They didn't do what I read the Judy Blume books.

So, I don't know. Right. A feminist icon. Fair enough. Maybe it's not clear that she's evil, but then we see that she spills a cup of blood

that she keeps next to her bed all the time and likes to drink blood. Because she does dip her fingers in blood. Yeah, what are they trying to say with this? Is that what they were trying to say? She does dip her fingers in blood. The guy from earlier, he was right. I wanted him to pop his head in the room

and be like, ha! I knew it. Everyone looked at me like, I was super fucking stupid. That's blood. Were you just waiting out there for that? Do you remember earlier, though, when they're in the King's chambers

and he's like getting a massage and they're like, I think it was like Jayhu and he was like, let's have some wine and he pours two glasses of wine and it's thick. Yeah, yeah. Serapy. I think she's just drinking gross, ancient wine.

Nesquick? Yeah. The pink one that the weird kid would bring to school. Gross. God, hey, if you want to know, like you're probably an adult who's been diagnosed as neurodiverse, hey, it was the pink nextquick

just so you know. Whatever. labels Caras profession is put on it, the minute your mom bought Pink Nestwick and sent you to school of it, you were fucking dude. You deserve to be bullied by Eli. I like pink milk. Yeah. Yeah. That's not. That's what Eli's saying. Okay. So from there, we cut to Mount Carmel, where they're going to do the big blood sacrifice of an ox and, you know, prey to ball to get rain. Jayu shows up and Chariot repair guy Yankle. He gets to be in the movie. begin for a second.

He's trying to do bits. He's trying desperately to do bits. That's so hard. This is how I feel around. So I have friends who are serious actors now who do real acting stuff and we'll be talking about real acting stuff. Yankle trying to talk to the horse about how much he hates ball is me when my friends are like, yeah, I'm auditioning for a Broadway show.

I'm like, yeah, well, you know, I fucking, my podcast. When he tells the horse that he hates ball, I wanted the horse to turn to him and be like, I'm actually Episcopalian. It's like, oh, God damn it. Right. So funny bits guy gets to do his thing. He gets to be an over five and have crafty. So good for him. And then we see Jayhu going into a tent. He's going to talk to Ahab. The whole, so there's like this sacrifice going on and there's tents. The whole thing looks kind of like the fire festival. It's weird. Jayhu goes into Ahab's tent. And Ahab's like, hey, Jayhu, cool. So I'm worried. What if the magic doesn't give us rain? And Jayhu's like, well, then we're. We were fucked. We were fucked. Maybe Ball is busy or maybe Ball is doing that thing on a Zoom call where everyone talks

at the same time and then they spend the next minute going, no, you go? Yeah. So they go outside. They start the ball-based rain sacrifice thing. But then, of course, Elijah shows up very dramatically again. And he's like, I told you God was mad. We must be Jewish correctly. We're not doing it.

Yeah. And so they challenge him to. a God battle. Yeah, this is fun. Magic versus magic fights are the fucking best. Awesome. Prophet fights are great. So Elijah's like, yeah, yeah, okay, we'll do a God battle,

but you have to remove all but 12 of the stones, which is biblical, except they've been burning a bull to ball and I wanted the logistics of that to be really tiresome, right? I wanted a bunch of guys to be like, so wait, do we just drag away the flaming bull carcass? Put it where, Elijah,

the fridge? Right. You got a fucking mini fridge in your tent that I can put this burning bull caucus in? Okay. Also, if you get challenged to do a magic fight, if Elijah's like, I'm going to do Jehovah prayers, you do ball prayers and we'll see who wins. Ahab at first doesn't want to do the magic fight and the crowd kind of gets mad at him, but like just fucking do it and claim it was you. You can't lose at a magic fight.

That's true. It's a magic fight. And if you want to trick people into a magic fight, all you got to do is wait until someone says the thing that they don't like and then you go, oh, and they'll magic fight. We'll end up magic fight. But you can just jump in and be like, I also want all but 12 stones removed. So like everything can kind of be a tight. You can attribute it to ball later if you want. Dibs, my reign. This one's mine. This rain. This rain. Just drop most of mine. Yeah. But Elijah does the official prayer to Jehovah rain spell. And it does rain. Right. When he does it. God damn it. Yeah. And then back at the castle, we see Jezebel with Loram Ipsum. And she's like, hey, the rain thing worked. Right, yeah. She's like, yep, Bal's God. We fucking nailed it.

Perfect. She gets how strategy works. So then Ahab gets back to the palace. Jezabel, she's super psyched about Ball doing the rain. But he comes in and he's like, oh, bad news, babe. It was Elijah. He prayed to Jehovah and it worked. Yeah, we lost the God battle.

And then we couldn't have orange slices afterwards because we didn't shake the other team's hands. So. It was a pretty talk. actually. Oh, Eli, your childhood. I mean, I was not in the sports doing one, but yeah. I always got orange slices because I was at home in the air conditioning, eating orange slices. But I'm told you had to shake the other team's hands. From inside my literal ivory tower, I would occasionally look down at the heaths of the world. And they seem to be shaking hands or mating. I don't know. It was my business. Right. So the point is. Elijah now has kind of a little populist movement going because he did his spell and it rained.

And there's a Jewish elder guy here in the palace at the moment. And he's like, yeah, no. So Jehovah is clearly like the real God. So like, that's what we should do. And Jezebel's like, fuck that. No, it was Baal. I'm going to kill Elijah now. That's my new plan.

Yes. And for everyday Elijah's alive, she's going to kill one Jew. Right. Yeah. Yeah. What was that? Yeah. She goes into like hostage mode.

almost like, I'm going to kill one Elijah followed every 10 minutes until he gives up because he's in hiding in the caves or whatever. And she decides she's going to like make it official with a law that says she gets to kill Elijah. She grabs this scroll.

And she's like, honey, King Ahab, honey, I want you to sign the murder scroll. So I'm allowed to do this. So that means she'd been like drafting it up all day? Yeah, it was ready. She'd been calligraphying. It was ready to, ready for his sign off. She had a backup plan.

She was like, hey, I'm sure. sure this ball Godfight is going to go our way. But if it doesn't, I'm going to trick my husband into signing a death scroll. So. And Ahab is hesitant, but she's like, hey, who do you want to be mad at you? God or your wife? And I'll run my notes. I agree, Ahab.

I also choose God to be mad at me instead of my wife. If I believed in God, I would still choose God to be mad at me instead of my wife. Right. So from there, we cut. And we see Deborah and Nabath, they're sneaking around at night. Eli has put a note in this, you know, to tell us what scene we're in. It just says, sneaking Jews. No, that's fine.

That wasn't me. That was Zoran Mamdana. What's, Eli, you have a, you have a noise for this, don't you? What's? Creakypa. That's it. What is that noise? Creakypa.

It's the noise we make when we're plotting. You wouldn't know. Okay. All right. I wouldn't, yeah. I'm on the other side of the plot always with you, Eli. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Right. Okay. Well, Deborah and Nabath, they're part of, you know, the populist uprising movement. And they're getting all their squad to flee the city, get together and plan their coup or whatever. And then Jayhu shows up to arrest everyone. He got commanded by King Ahab to like, go do that. And I like how Naboth's daughter has a little like, damn, what do that pussy do moment? She's like, seriously? Fucking Jezabelle again, like, because I tried twisting my hands in opposite directions. On a stick just as, and it doesn't seem like you would feel good. I feel like that's going to give you a rug burn. It's like I'm starting a fire.

What are you talking about? Do you like that? The Euro grip? I'm rubbing my hands real fast, like Mr. Begai. Is this anything? Will you stop killing our people if I do this? Probably. Sadly.

But Jayhu's like, yeah, no, I do like that. So don't stop doing that. But I'm sorry. You know, Soldier's Duty. I got to do what I got to do. here, but he does feel bad a little bit here. He starts to have a moral arc. He knows it's wrong because Jehovah in his heart, of course, right? Yeah, I feel like if you back then or now or in the 50, I don't fucking know. If you had like an ounce of critical thinking skills and you just walked into

it, like you were born out of this culture and you just like walked in to all this storytelling, you would be so confused, right? You'd be like, wait, so who's the false prophet? Which one's the real God? It's a magic fight. It's all stupid. I don't know. They seem more fun. So I guess if I'm picking one, the fun one, right?

I would go with fun. With the dancing. Now, to be fair to the Bible, the Bible is very clear that Ball is both a God and real, which like modern Christianity is left behind and they pretend it's just the devil and stuff. But like, to be fair, this movie very clearly portrays it as a God battle. And Ball's just up in heaven being like, oh, looks like the queen once again. got her way. It's crazy.

That polytheism. Got a paper over that shit. Monotheism is slavery. Right. So Jehu's arcing a little bit more now and he kind of flips to the good team a little bit. He tells them how to allude all the other soldiers that might be coming. And he tells Nabath and Deborah

about this secret trail behind the caves where they can maybe elude those soldiers. And Navel's like, oh, do you mean the trail that's literally marked by the star of David by any chance? Yeah, he's like, he doesn't tell them, he just reminds it. You know that trail back there that we used to hang out on that has all the path to freedom? I do mean that one. I do mean the magical trail marked by the star of David all the way.

I'm helping you right now by reminding you to do the thing that you were going to do anyway. Yeah. All right. Well, very convenient magical trail, intelligent. design good stuff. We're going to take one more quick break, but first, let me give back three the hard sell. Will Ahab finally break up with the girlfriend

that everybody hates? Will all his friends remind him that they predicted a literal God curse from the beginning? Will women continue to be maligned by Judeo-Christian society for creating all the sins? Find out the answer to these questions

and more when we return for the jesitacular conclusion of sins? of Jezebel. I fucking hate the patriarchy. Hey, podcast listener. You know, here on Gam, we spend a lot of time commenting

on a world where Christianity is infused into almost everything. Given this week's movie, we couldn't help but wonder, what if things had turned out a little differently? For example, what if the worshippers of Ball had ended up the dominant religion? What's up, Franklin Delano,

our Roosevelt Middle School? How are you guys doing today. All right. That's awesome. That's awesome. My name's Mike. I'm Chris. I'm Ashley. And we're Ball's Ballers. We're here to help you make good decisions that glorify Ball and keep his flames burning. That's right, Mike. Let's start out with a little scene. Here we go. And action. Hey Ashley, want a cigarette? Sure, Chris. I hear all the cool kids are smoking. And freeze. So what did Ashley do wrong? That's right. No sacrifice should be burned except that which is burned in the name of Ball. Not cool. I went to Juilliard. And we're back. When we left

off, Jayhu had just reminded the faithful Israelites about the secret trail of David so they could evade Ahab's army. And now he goes back to the palace to tell Jezabel, that he let everyone escape. Oh my God. This is like the buddy who has a terrible girlfriend and then he goes and tells her he cheated on her at the Arby's where you're all sitting.

Babe. Babe, I need to tell you because I love you. Yeah. Hey, I'm actually just going to order an Uber into the middle of the desert. Thanks so much. Yeah, that's exactly... I can walk home along the highway. I'm good. It's exactly the vibes of what happens here. He comes in and he sees Jess.

She's next to her ball statue. And he's like, yeah, I let him escape. I'm torn between, you know, my God and sex with you and evil woman. She's like, cool. I'm going to make out with you again and you're on my team again. God, guys are dumb. And this time, Lorham is out on the balcony and he sees them kissing for a second. But like he already knew.

Yeah, he already knew. Like it's not really a reveal here. Yeah, he sees it firsthand. So he's obviously jealous. mad because he's the friend's own guy, like he said earlier. Really doesn't seem like she's realizing her best friend is the one who's been for her all along. It's crazy. Women don't know what's good for them.

It's the 1950s. It does seem a bit weird at this point that Ahab still is like clueless. Yeah. He has no idea what's happening. He's not smart. None at all. Yes. So Jezebel's running the show.

She tells Jayhu to go escort a caravan that she's got on the way from Tyre. So he goes out and then Loram walks in right after Jayhu leaves. And he's like, all right, good job using men for the evil plot, I guess. Good job with that. I tried to kiss him earlier to change him to our side. But he hit me pretty hard on the stomach. You got to show me your technique. I think it's the twisting hands thing.

I bet if I knew that, I could do it. Right. And we learn here that the rest of her plan, she's going to tell King Ahab that Nabath is a traitor. to get him in trouble too. She wants to get him killed. She wants to get him killed, right? For comic relief. Yes.

Yeah, you wouldn't think so, but that's what's going to happen. So we cut from there to Loram carrying out her bidding. He's meeting with some random guy named Bidcar about doing the frame-up. He's going to be the witness against Nabath. He's teaching Bidcar's lines. Yeah, he's got lines for him. He's like, hey, Bidcar, let me hear you read this lie about, Nabath that I wrote on a scroll here.

And Big Car's not great as a reader. He's not great. I wanted the camera to pan back and Loram's all wrapped up in scarves like an acting teacher. Stop acting and start doing Big Car. Roll around on the ground with some other conspirators. Yeah.

Commit to the character. Yeah. He's not doing great, but they use him. And from there, we get a weird cut. It's like a speed pan off to the side. Straight from there, to a courtroom where Bidkar is accusing Nabath of cursing God in front of a bunch of judges. And then they're like, okay, Nabath, you can come in, anything you want to say in your own defense.

And all he says is, if truth cannot save me, what can? And the judges pretend to whisper to each other for a second. Whisper, whisper, we're killing that guy. I feel like the Supreme Court's just doing that. They're just like, six three. You get stone to death. Oral arguments at this point. Yeah. So they sentence him to be stoned to death and then we get that. And it is true. It's the funniest possible stoning to death ever.

Bon, bonk. Yeah. Just think an actor, an actor getting mad like he gets hit too hard with a prop stone of one of the three that gets thrown at him. He's just like, ow, that's a bruise now. Guys, fuck. That one was real. That one really stoned me to death. And look, you're watching this and you're like, the only way this could be sillier, is if, I don't know, there was an adorable dog lapping in his blood when he dies. What was that? Okay, so this is real in the Bible, right? As they leave him there and the dogs eat his flash,

which is supposed to be this. They talk about dogs a lot in like these scenes. Yeah, yeah. This is in both the Bible things is why they have to include it. They only include the dog the first time, though, because they understand how adorable the dog is. They've gotten this like little scamp dog, fucking like some mix from the pound

that's just like so happy to be in the movie. And they're like, all right, well that. That very much killed the seriousness of the moment. Right. So we see the dog. And then we see Jahu ride past the dead body and realize what's happened. So he goes to the palace to yell at Ahab and Jezbo. And he explains to her that like, I didn't help escort your thugs from Tyre.

I'm like a full good guy now. Yeah. And that means Ahab is going to execute Jayhu for treason now. Yeah. But not right away. He's like, I'm going to execute. you for treason, but you can take off for like a couple, you can leave for a couple days. I think you deserve the best in me, and so I'm going to take some time to cool down,

and then we're going to talk about my execution of you later. But yes, definitely execution. Maybe when commer heads prevail. Commer heads prevail. That's when I'll have you murdered. That would be great. And I guess if you want to fuck my wife again, you can get that too. If you want to fuck my wife again one more time before you leave, I'll pretend I don't know.

Yeah. I'll be over there in the corner in the king chair. Yeah. Yeah. So good. Yeah, so Jayhu leaves. And Jezebel's like, he'll be back because sex. And then we see Jayhu and comic relief chariot repair guy.

They take off and they're going to go help Deborah and the squad. Yeah. And it's very clear that they expected comic relief guy to do a little stickier. They were like, come, my friend, we must away. And he was like, yeah. Sorry, our friend just got eaten by dogs after he was stoned to death. I don't really know what bits you want me to do. A little catchphrase or something.

You like those? I don't really, I could pretend the wool-dash-a-mizzle saw or something. Who's the wool-dash-er-mizzle? You know. Okay. Hey, it's a little meta-chariot guy. This is off-putting. I'm loving it.

It's not just great. It's exploratory. Because I'm A-I-R now. And talk like an AI does. M-Dash. M-Dash. Kill yourself. Jesus Christy.

Okay. So now we get the narrator again. We get the judge guy from the beginning. Yeah, I thought this was the end. I was like, did they just run out of funding? And now they're just going to narrate the rest of the movie? I guess the answer is yes. Because instead of, you know, showing us the end of the movie, this guy tells us a bunch of the end of the movie as a narration.

While lighting a comically big menorah. Yeah, what is that? Why does he light the menorah here? And then in a later scene, put out the menorah. Hello, fellas. First of all, thanks so much for including me in the movie. I noticed we didn't really use my menorah during the first part. Yeah, we told you not to bring that.

It's just really big. It's in the way. and I brought it in the Uber and the guy was super rude to me about bringing it because I put it in the passenger seat and it got wax all over his car and I would like to use it. It's an OSHA violation. It's a lot of fire hazard. Okay.

Well, I would like to light it and then unlight it. Immediately. Will you immediately unlight it? Yes. I'm going to say one sentence. Then you might as well not do it, but fine. Fine. You can light it and then immediately unlight it.

Okay. And then we can go back to the movie. Right. So he lights the giant menorah. He tells us that Jahu led an army to attack Jezabelle and Ahab's kingdom. And then we actually do go back to the movie for a second. Yeah, for like a second. Yeah. Yeah. We get Elijah's ghost shadow showing up to scold Ahab about all this. Yeah, I don't, this is weird. I think it was like a creative transition. Right? Yeah, I guess. Wait, but all the stuff that the narrator talked about, we just,

skipped over. Isn't it kind of important? Definitely not. That the Syrians killed King Ahab? Yeah, sure. Yeah. We'll get into it, Kara, with time. No, no, you just said we went back to the live action part. He just says all that.

We don't actually see any of that. Yeah, we're going to get to it. Right. No, but he does. As he's lighting the menorah, he explains to us that, like, you know, Jesreal was ruled by terror and fear. Jezbel Stone the heathens. People started defecting.

We also learned that, you know, they get into, a different war and they fight with like Syria across the border there and Ahab dies at the end of one of those battles. Yeah, because he like poses as a soldier for some reason. Like why didn't he just stay in the castle? Yeah, yeah, he dresses up like a soldier. I'm not sure what that accomplished. He dies. He does time. We do see just for a second, we see part like five seconds of the battle with the Syrian army. But it's just like 50 guys swinging plastic sword. from the Halloween story. It's like a slap fight for five seconds.

There's a reason why they chose this guy to narrate. And of course, Elijah, when he was scolding Ahab, he said, all the dogs are going to eat Jezebel and they'll lick the blood of Ahab or something like that. And then we do see that. Ahab dies at the end of that battle and dogs licked his blood. We're told, but not shown. They don't show us the dogs.

Look in the blood. Yeah. My notes here are just, show me another dog, asshole. You owe me another dog. Right. So then we get Elijah. He's no longer a shadow ghost. It's the actor again. He is anointing Jayhu with oil. And Elijah makes Jehu the king of Israel. It's official now. So I googled anoint because I don't know. I had this like moment where I was like, I think we all know what anointing is. We use the word. But then I was like, is it, does it mean

something else? It's really weird. It's like it's a ritual act of smearing oil. oil, milk, or fat onto somebody's head. Yeah. I would have fucked that up. I would have been like, mm, bacon. Nice. To say, you're sacred now. Have you never been anointed?

What? I don't. Oh, girl, I've got a great anointing place in the valley. Eli, you've been anointed? Eli, Eli. I'm a woman. You got to do a nice seafone anointment. They don't anoint women, Eli.

No, this place, they do acupuncture and anointing. It's a very liberal anointment. And Rolf massage. And smudging will smudge you before they anoint you. Yeah. Kind of a twofer. Okay. How is that a word in our language to anoint to smear oil on someone's head?

Hey, sorry, everybody. Carrot did a bunch of acid on the break. It's just really stupid. And that's why she's, her comedy. participation in this section has been an noint, noint, noint, noint, noint, noint, noint, noint, noit. It's a crazy nois, noint, noints, nois. Somebody out there who is listening to this feels me right now.

Yeah, the same people want you on the video. The princess speaks the truth. She should be on video to defend her time. I will say, no. The anointing thing with the, you know, smearing oil, milk, fat. It's weird. That's because you're like king now and also your face has like a smudge of something weird on it. You're just kind of like wiping it off and like, I'm king.

It's my big moment. Just can I get a paper towel? Just it's sticky. Nope. The dogs are coming. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, that would make it better.

We also get one more little detail from Elijah. He's like, I'm retiring now. I've done the anointing. Wait, hold on, one more thing. Hey, Elisha, he calls up some other guy from the crowd, and he's like, you're the prophet now. Sorry, his costume's so much worse than mine. We got really confused with the two character listings, Elijah and Elisha. Right, you can see the rest of the people, be like, okay, you just picked him because the names are really close. No.

He's a prophet of God, and he's not wearing one of the curtains from an earlier scene. he's wearing a costume from the movie. Doesn't it seem like if they had just killed Elijah at the beginning it would have gotten better for the pagans?

That was Jezebel's plan once again. The woman knew it was going on the whole time. Yeah. Should have voted for Jezebel. Yep. All right.

So now it's time for Jehu and his army to attack the palace and do his big coup prophecy that he got from Elijah. And they light the temple of Baal on fire

and they attack. And then we see Jezebel. She's just really calm in the palace in her room doing makeup. She seems fine. Sexy lounging. She's like, hey, Sarah, you can actually head out like 15 minutes early today. I have a feeling they're going to throw me over the balcony. I don't want you to see that.

No, you'll get paid for the full. You don't have to clock out. You don't have to clock out. Girl. No, I know you're closing, chef, but like, it's honestly fine. It's honestly, the dogs are going to lick up my blood. Okay. but I want my shift meal still.

Can I get a per diem instead? Yes. Nice. Yeah. And in the background, we hear the mob yelling like kill Jezebel. Again, in full sentences, which again, I need my mob not to do. I need my mom to be like, kill her as opposed to like, kill her to death. I'm in the mob.

Yeah. Yeah, mob chanting never really works as well as you think it's going to. So Jayhu walks in at this moment and Jeeh, was like, okay, we can have more sex now, right? Yeah, one last appeal to his boner. He seriously considers it, too. He's like, it works, basically. He's supposed to overthrow this reigning demon queen,

and she's like, hey, congrats on the new job. And he's like, thanks so much. I really appreciate it. Yeah. So Jayhu is, you know, essentially, he's the king now. He's, like, won the coup. He's inside the palace. And he's confused by this, though.

He's like, yeah, okay. That does sound great, but if this feels like it might be another trick, you've been doing tricks this whole time. Jayhu pauses for a little too long when Jezabelle's like, okay, but do you want to just have sex and still like me? He pauses for too long. So she just walks onto the balcony and immediately gets shot in the chest with an arrow by something from the mob.

Okay, that guy downstairs was very clear about what he was going to do if I came on the balcony. That's on me. Yeah. Used full sentences and everything. And I love the sweet. wiffness of this scene. So she walks on the balcony, shot with an arrow, goes down. And then Jay who's like, oh no, bury her. Okay. And we're like, whoa, you want to check her pulse first?

This rule. Okay. This is what I thought he was referencing with best, worst death. Because his men run in, and he's like, quick. And he's doing the fucking Anthony and Cleopatra tragedy, right? He's like, please bury her. And the guys are like, you got it. What? And then immediately, I mean, the comedy timing could not have been more perfect when they roll her off the balcony. He turns to like look at the wall like forlornly. They throw her over the balcony and then he turns back and he's like, oh, what happened? Where'd she go?

And they're like, what? Wait, sorry, what'd you say? We're going to bury her in this air next to the balcony. Oh, she fell. Yeah. Yeah. So she gets thrown to the mob and she gets trampled. immediately. They're just like a horse chariot scenario.

Just like flies past immediately and tramples and squishes her. To be clear, this is biblically accurate. Although I believe they do it like seven times in the Bible. And I was really hoping we were going to get a seven beat, right? I'm just like, hey guys, I think she's squished. I think she was honestly squished at three. Oh, you're going around again. Oh, good. But I set up a chariot and a horse.

I didn't get to do mine. It's just three beats seems like a good touch. I'm seventh. Okay. I'm seventh. I'm doing mine. Yeah. So resident Bible expert, in the Bible, is Jayhu actually sad?

Uh, yeah. Like, I feel like they're making this guy too complicated for their intended audience here. Yeah, no, that's fair. You know, like, they should make him happy. He shouldn't have, like, complicated, kind of ambivalent feelings about the death of this woman who was evil and... You sound like the test audience from the 50s, like, I don't like how they cared about that lady dying. Right. I thought the movie was confusing.

Why didn't she stay married to Charlie Chapman? Why would that character be nuanced? That's stupid. Right. You guys ever heard the word anoint? It's fucking crazy. Noint. A noint.

It's a weird. Even when we talk crazy now, it sounds weird. Anointment. Aointment. Aointment's already a word. Ointment. And fly on the anointment. It's crazy.

Hey, guys, I just had an image. Noah, who has come back from two 16-hour days of driving, listening to this episode and getting to the part where we're all just going oint, oint, oint, oint, o'-oint, and him being like, cool,

so I'll just never go to anything. I'll just fucking live in this house. I'll just always be on every phone phone phone. It's a nine-minute Meisner exercise to close the show. Great. Great.

It's a short movie this week. It's only 75 minutes. So Jezebel is dead. She gets squished by the horse, by the chariot. And then we cut to the ball statue and it's all smashed up. And we get the narrator one more time. And you know what he says? You know what he says?

He says, there will always be good and there will always be even. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he tells us that God repeated, you know, commandment number one about no other gods before me and was like, guys, first one. Seriously, that's the lesson here.

That was the first one. And then the narrator takes off the judge's robe. And he's like, also, I have a cane, kind of like Elijah, but not. Maybe I was Elijah all along. The whole time for 2,000, 7,000 years. That wouldn't make any sense, though. and that's not biblical.

So I don't know why I would be. And also a fedora. It's a fedora and a shepherd crook. Yeah. Yeah, weird picks. Weird picks. Weird, ambiguous fucking hawthorn ending. I was maybe Elijah the whole.

I don't know what that even meant. Maybe we're all Elijah, if you think about it. Yeah. After all. All right. Well, that's the fucking movie. Any lessons learned about peace in the region? No, there we're not.

So that's going to do it for the sins of Jezebel, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie. So Eli, what's on deck? When he's fired for taking a knee in prayer at football games, a high school coach takes his battle to the courts to fight for religious freedom. We'll be watching, Average Joe. Cool.

The story of theocracy enshrined by our Supreme Court. Love it. I'm so glad I'm not on that episode. All right. With that to not look forward to, we're going to bring episode 556 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Kara for joining us, as always. And for everyone who's new, where can people hear more from you? So I host Talk Nerdy with Kara Santa Maria.

And I'm the co-host of The Skeptics Guide to the Universe. And with the SGOU, we'll be in Madison, Wisconsin, and Buffalo, New York soon for Saigon. Madison for an SGO weekend. And then also in L.A., Sydney, Australia, and Christchurch, New Zealand in the next few months. Come see us. Nice.

Some fun travels. Yeah. Fantastic. And, of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And that I'll get your early access to an ad-free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show,

sure to check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist Citation Eadie. the skeptocrat and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawful movies at gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Eel Drafts on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Karen Eli, I'm Heath, promising to work hard to turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. A thirsty mob descended on the palace, the very next...

summer when an inevitable drought happened again because they live in the fucking desert. Narrator guy went on to tell America about defeating communism with the smooth taste of Lucky Strike cigarettes. The dog union was very upset that their part got cut by 50%. Oh, I'm Phil. That's helpful. I would never, I would never gender you, Phil. woke writers rule. That's why we did the pronoun introduction and the land acknowledgement.

For the British. For the British. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 26, all rights reserved.