God Awful Movies - 558: The Apple

Episode Date: May 26, 2026

This week, Lydia and Thomas from the Where There's Woke podcast join us for the most fabulous film in the history of God Awful Movies.Hear more from Thomas and Lydia on Where There’s Woke and Gavel GavelCheck out more from Thomas on Opening ArgumentsIf you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

Let me give you some sex advice podcast listener. Because now that we're in a visual medium, you can see that I am, in fact, a sex machine. Never let anyone else undress you because it turns into toddler this fast. Yes, it does. Unless you're into that. Oh, especially post kids. If you ever go to address someone, you go into that brain of like, okay, hold it down. I'm ready when my body is ready.

Movies. Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because some of us have other motherfuckers' crosses to bear as well. I'm your host, No Illusions. Heath has taken the weekend off to recover from his weekend off, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am fantastic!

I know, I know, I am too. And we're also excited to welcome back the second hardest working person in podcast and the person who dethroned him, knocked him down to number two, on that list. Thomas at Lydia Smith from the way there's woke podcast. Lydia Thomas, welcome back. Eli, I think he meant, hello. I'm here now. I am your Mr. Bougaloo. I've always said that. This is

the first week. It makes sense. Let's address it up front. For those of you watching on YouTube, yes, the Smiths are too hot to be podcasters. We don't know why they're here either. Let's get back to the listeners. I'm here for the bin, man. I am here for the bin. All right, there you go. Let's start making some sense out of that.

So tell us, Lydia, what will we be breaking down today? I mean, honestly, something that I don't know why we're doing it on this show because it's truly a cinematic masterpiece. This was surprisingly very, very good in the most ridiculous ways ever, but it is the movie, the Apple, from 1980. And you can watch it for free on Prime, so you should do it. And you should watch it for free on Prime. Students should watch it in school.

It should be part of our curriculum. You should memorize it. It's so bad good. I don't like bad good, but this is the best I've ever seen. It's amazing. It's the best. I love it so much. This is what makes you like bad good.

This will put you over the fucking limit here, which makes my next question super awkward, Thomas. How bad was this movie? Negative million. It was so good. I mean, it sucks. Don't get me wrong. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

But it's dumb in the best ways. Like, it's so good. Everyone has a weird act. accent they're trying to hide. The guy, like, the one's really Scottish and that comes out. Yeah. The other guy's really British. Trying to pretend to be Canadian.

Oh, yeah. Our American Israeli friend for who plays Alfie, yeah, it's great. Oh, man. Also, Lydia had hours. I don't know when you're going to do it, hon, but there's one thing that's good in this movie, like, good, because this was like soured of a real production. Like there's, oh, yeah, yeah, no, there's money behind it. Yeah.

The money behind this out does the money behind. Every gam we've ever done with you combined times four, at least. Right. Really. Are you counting the funeral that guy who drowned that did the last movie you came on for? I guess I did Morbius or whatever. So that probably, but it's like a Morbius-esque budget. And I can't believe people put that much time and effort and money into this thing.

And it's so fucking dumb, but I love it. It made $500, by the way. No. Did it. $521. I will pay them $500 right now. for the rights. How much of the rights to it?

Oh, the filmmaker almost killed himself after people saw it. That's how, literally how bad it was. It was so bad. Someone had to convince him not to. Yeah, to talk him back from the ledge.

Yeah. I want to be there for that conversation where that person was like, don't kill yourself. First of all, a big mess. I have other reasons, but that is the first one I said out loud.

I'm still, if I talk long enough, I will think of another, there's got to be. So many. I just can't even think of which ones. All right. So is anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best,

to be in the worst hat? Look, I'm going to take one. You can tell me if you've already had this one and we can cut. I can do a different one. But it is best, worst random sexual assault of Professor Sprout from Harry Potter. Yep.

Okay. I think I just did that one last time. So I don't want to do it. But this one's probably better than that one, though. Yeah, right. No, you can always be dethroned. This haunts my dreams. There is a random.

sexual assault of Professor Sprout from Harry Potter the only actor in this film. No other person is a person. It's fucking nuts. Oddly enough, it's not the only person who was in Harry Potter. There's another person in Harry Potter. Yeah, one of the henchmen was like the bartender or some crap. But this will sit with me forever. It sucks that

it happened on this film because I would love to just enjoy. You know how you're like, oh, it should be all joy otherwise. Yeah. Because it's like, oh, Michael Jackson, like, you know, can you still enjoy him? That's like this film for me is like, yes, it's the best thing you ever happen to cinema. But it's the most out of nowhere, unmotivated, pointless, weird.

Visceral. Visceral. Yeah, visceral groping of Professor Sprout from Harry Potter. Yeah. And I'm still thinking about it. I can't. That is what happens. I actually looked her at.

This is a real thing. I looked her up and I was like, oh, she's still alive. Maybe I can ask her about it. It's okay. I have to know what happened. Give her a me too moment. Whose idea was it? Hey, you seem really famous and like you're doing great.

I see a bunch of clips of you on the Graham Norton. But I want to check in about the Apple from 1980s. How did it happen? How did this scene happen? He grabbed the girls and I want to know if you're all right. Oh, God. So I was going to go with best worst, gay costume designer that snuck into the Christian movie production

and was just like, oh, I'm going to have my dad. This movie, I'm willing to bet for at least one of our listeners, was the closest thing that they would get to gay porn until they turned 18, right? Oh, 100%. And it is not just that every guy is wearing a fucking coin roller and nothing else. It's that the women are just in like, oh, you know, whatever. Also, woman clothes, you know. Are yours nickels or you give more dimes?

I don't think we need to compare. I don't think we need to point out. The currency. You know, they issue one in the 70s. It's about what you use the money for. Thank you. I'm going to say best, worst. marketing creative character.

It seems like really like confusing, but there is a character who is supposed to be the guy in charge of merch for this music company. And it's so terrible. It is so lazy. He's like, like, like, like my earring. And then he's like, but it's not just an earring. It's literally just a sticker, you guys.

And he's revolutionary. Can we get this guy for our podcast? And the design is literally just a triangle. Yeah. And it's just a triangle, exactly. It's so freaking. Well, I'm sorry, Lydia, if you can think of better merch than a pinball machine and a mandatory sticker. You mean a bimball machine?

You know when you're in the gift shop on the way out? You're like, how about a square glass that's way too big? Yeah, I'll grab a pinball machine on the way out. Yeah, right, right, yeah. My drink came with the souvenir cup, but I want to get a pinball machine for your mom. She loves this. Yeah, it's both the highest possible effort in budget and lowest. I've got a pinball machine and

and a sticker. And a sticker you must wear. That we're going to mandate legally. Legally. Yeah. And honestly, still less pushy than the wicked gift shop. So, you know, it's got it signs. I'm going to go with best worst dubs.

So usually when a musical is dubbed, it's because the person who is being dubbed can't sing. And the Apple went with an interesting choice here, which is that neither the dubber or you. the dubee can sing. Well, but the dubber can sing. That's the most fucked up thing is that the actress actually can sing. It's so bizarre.

So you're saying they've dubbed over a different person? Because my dubbing notes were all about audio quality. Because there's a whole battle that went on where some of the songs are dubbed in a studio and that always sounds awkward, you know. And then there's some where they just took the warehouse sound. Yes. Whatever was in there. Oh, my God.

I have to tell you guys. Like the echo is everything. It's literally a warehouse. too. I was looking up an article and they said that it was like an old World War 2 warehouse where they did gas. Like they just created gas. Never when they did gas?

I remember when they did gas. Especially in World War II. Do you remember when they did gas in World War II, Lydia? Oh, well this is in Berlin, right? Oh, I forgot this is an American. Yeah, it was in Germany, yes. By an Israeli production company and director. Yeah.

I guess. This is the ultimate revenge is filmed this movie. Originally, Stephen Spielberg's Munich was just going to be... But it's to art and it's right here

in this gas factory. Oh, boy. Well, listeners, we're about to give you another one of those. Surely they're just lying to us about what happened at this point in the movie movies. So buckle the fuck in through the break

and we'll be back in a minute with all the unchecked cocaine usage that is the apple. You're going to get hurt. Just give me a second to catch my balance. Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Oh, guys, stop. Eli, Thomas was just explaining his pre-ad shenanigans for Lisa mattresses. Yeah, oh, here's the thing.

We don't need to do any of that. We don't? No. Hi, podcast, listener. Listen to me. Lisa sent us a free mattress. And I was like, oh, that's nice. And I was like, oh, what can it hurt to have an extra mattress in that?

house. Guys, it's the best mattress ever. But my unicycle. Thomas, we don't need the shenanigans. Look, I have read 8 billion commercials where someone was like, oh, this is cooling technology. And I've always been like, what does that mean? How can cloth make you cooler? Especially

when it's added to your body situation. Well, the Lisa Chill Legendary does, because I sleep on it now, and it's the best, and it's perfect, and it's supportive, and it feels good, and I need you to listen to me. I need you to listen to me, okay? I will buy another one whenever this

mattress dies or evaporates from the dream that I'm having when I sleep on it. Okay? I am the customer now, Lisa. You made a sale. It's me. I like the mattress. I mean, that does sound nice. It is nice, Lydia. Lisa has been

awarded Best Hybrid and Best Memory Foam Mattresses by New York Times' Wirecutter, and it's featured by West Elm as their go-to mattress partner. Well, those are actually both great recommendations. They're the only recommendations. I as a middle-aged white man know, no illusions. So go to Lisa.com for 30% off select mattresses plus get an extra 50 bucks off with promo code awful. Exclusive for our listeners.

That's L-E-E-S-A.com. Promocode awful for 30% off select mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Support our show. Let them know we sent you after checkout. Lisa.com promo code awful. Okay, so I learned to write a unicycle for nothing, then. Well, no unicycle skill is wasted, Thomas. Feels pretty wasted, man. I hereby called order this meeting of the hippies who are somehow inexplicably Christian. Are we all gathered together? Yeah, man.

Awesome, awesome. Yeah. So, as you all know, most of our religion stands for, well, literally the opposite of every, that we do. Totally, totally. Yeah, and also, culturally, they villainized us for literally no reason other than dressing

different and being nicer than them. Uh-huh, it's been pretty big. Yeah, and we guys have fun. Right, but today, we're going to change all of that with the musical that's about love and music and our Christianity. Um,

hooray. Are you sure we don't just want to be like a different religion? For the fourth time, Craig, yes. Okay, just, just asking. And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up on screaming future teens rushing to the concert. Yeah. We can tell how future they are by how shiny the materials on their clothes are.

And we're into lots of different shapes in the future. Very generous. Yes. A lot of triangles. A lot of trapezoids. I get it. It's 1980. You've seen where shoulder pads are going, right?

You know when you see like a clip of a podcast and some guy is like, well, there aren't going to be any jobs in four years because he's pointing to a graph and he doesn't understand how numbers work. That's how we felt about shoulder pads from 1950. But this was 1980, so they were right. Like they actually were right for like eight, nine years. I don't know. When did the, this movie. It was a trend center. Yeah.

This movie is prescient. Called a lot. Called a lot. A lot of society makes sense now in light of what. So, and we should point out that this movie. It was released in 1980 and it was set in the distant future of 1994. Yeah. Why did they do that?

I love it. I was just thinking about this because you have the conundrum and every movie that does the future has this. If you go too far, then everyone's going to be like, well, that's weird because everything's like kind of the same. Because you can't invent enough weird thing. If you don't go far enough, you face this problem, which is like, hey, man, it's been five minutes and that's now we're in the time that you said.

And it's not this at all. You have to pick a sweet spot. I think the sweet spot's like 25 years. trying to think. What would you do? Like 25, 30 years maybe? That's enough to like... 25's too close. I think, yeah, I think you've got to go about 50. Yeah, maybe 50. That's like four presidents.

Imagine, okay, what's 50 years ago? Imagine 1976 trying to predict today, though. They wouldn't get... It would be terrible. You got to keep it close enough. You know what I mean? It's hard. It's fair. It's tricky. But they bet on trapezoids and boxes. Yeah, they nailed it. So we're at the World Vision

Song Festival, right? Where all of the different acts from all over the world come together and they sing their songs and we decide who the superstars are. Yeah. Basically, Eurovision. It's basically, yes, exactly. Once again, prophetic this goddamn movie. Well, that's what's so funny is like, I was like, this is so weird and bizarre. What are they doing? And then

they said that I was like, oh, it's Eurovision. That's basically what. It's like, okay. And they even called it World Vision. Yeah. That, okay, we're not even doing in the future then. This is normal Eurovision. Yeah. So we're going to open up on the first of many music numbers. This will be

the duet of Pandey's Andy and Dandy, who I wrote down as the glittery helmet crew before I had names for them. And they're singing their hit single, Bim. Bim, yeah. And for those watching us on YouTube, you will see that Thomas and Lydia have chosen, I believe, Pandy and Dandy. These are from a later tune, mid-album tune. Yeah, exactly. It's B-side stuff.

The reason we are demonetized right now is the bandy and dandier doing that work. I have one question about this musical. number and I know we have a lot to get to but I do need to speak my truth. The call and response for do the BIM is B I am. I think it should be B

I am I find it very upsetting that the audience gets two thirds of the work yeah some lazy shit by BIDD. No you know what you could do you could split the audience you can split the audience and then it becomes a competition.

Here's what I want to know. Here's what I love. You say it's their hit new song. One thing that you could almost do do a best worst of is time in terms of songs because they'll constantly say, ah, it's the new song. And then later they'll be like,

oh, she's going to play her new. The girl later on has a record deal and a tour without a song. Like she hasn't started recording music. In this one, I'm pretty sure they say like, oh, your new song's going to be a hit. How is the audience already know the song? They all know everything.

Like everyone already knows it. To the point where they're doing a, choreographed, ah yeah, who taught them that? When was that? So good. And then they need to like go introduce some other characters. So this song goes into a portion where they just say, hey, hey, hey, bims on the way. 382 times.

The Beatles at the end of Hey Jude would be like, this feels a little long, right? Vive-wise, Eli, did this feel like Starlight Express but not involving trains? Yes. Okay. Like just visually and stuff, it very much. felt like this is Andrew Lloyd Weber in the early 80s. Did it. This is mid-Coke Andrew Lloyd-Weber.

Yes. This is definitely mid-coke. Yeah. So, okay, so now we cut, so they're in their bridge, their 48-minute bridge, and we're going to cut to their producer, right? This is the bad guy of the movie, Mr. Bugolo. Mr. Boogelow. He talks, alternates talking like this.

Yes. Yes, but with a fake French accent. That's great. And he's rocking a maroon. smoking jacket. He's got two minions with him that have like server tuxes with trapezoidal shoulder pants. Oh, it's just fucking delicious. He comes in and he's like, how are we doing?

And we meet this character, Shake, who has given him the audience statistics of like how good, like he's how many heartbeats they're getting. That's like likes, I guess. The most fabulously gay character ever. Yes. In all of 80s cinema. No one in this movie is not gay. Yes, that's fair. But he's the most...

Maybe, like, one of the lead dudes, maybe. Maybe. Everyone else is gay. The entirety of the show. Professor Sprout, very openly gay. She is actually. You had to be gay to get in. Like, this gay to enter and then, yeah.

Clearly. Clearly, yeah. But so everybody thinks that Pandy and Dandy are going to be the biggest stars of the decade. The lyrics of the BIMS song at this point are ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There are so many parts of songs where you're like, Okay, so you didn't have anything you just wrote down.

We'll talk about, remind me with the Apple song. That one is like, oh, yes, absolutely. And if you didn't get enough of, what was the repetitive thing? Hey, hey, hey, hey, bim's on the way. Yeah, bim's on the way. They do that later. They recall, it would be like if you brought back, hey, Jude. Yes, there's a reprise.

In the middle of whatever, you know, and then did it for another hour. And you're like, God, John shot himself instead of getting shot. They go on with the hey, hey, hey, bims on the way. So, you feel like one of them. You feel like one of them's expecting the other one to do the last, like to lead them out or something. But yeah. Yeah.

But then this song wraps up. They scored 150 heartbeats, which is pretty fucking big deal, right? Yeah, apparently. Just sitting there. Yeah. Your resting heart rate as you're listening to music. And then the cardio's own.

I fucking love this song. And then what's great is as you go to, then they have the folk duo later and they're still measuring the heartbeat, which I love because they're playing like this smooth love song this like 60s kind of hippie love song and it's like the heart rates are even better and you're like so you're just sitting there to this slow harmonic tune going

you need to remember how much coke was in the system of everybody right no that's true that's fair so I think that because they were measuring pulse rate but I think the heart beats were supposed to be like likes that the audience could give them or something like that heart beats there's no way yeah yeah I don't know I I agree with No, I think that it was indicative of something else. Yeah. Because they said heart rate and pulse rate,

separate from that as well, yeah. But the heart rates were ridiculous. But this is where Mr. Bougalo turns to Lydia's best, worst, and he says, we need merch. And the guy goes, like, T-shirts? And I'm like, what are you fucking, give me a fucking break? Fy-a-T-shirts. Jesus.

But, yeah, then, like, as Thomas said, this is where we are going to meet our heroes, right? Alfie and Beebe, the folk duet. Yeah. And this is very like Pippin vibes is what I got. I'm going to just bring in like a little musical references here and there. This is the day for it, Lydia. Yes. You're in your space. You're in your space. Just you and Eli. It's fine. You can know that I can. It's so Pippin though. Like musically. This song, it's terrible title. It's terrible title. The title of the song is Love the Universal Melody. And I wanted to barf the second I heard that. What was it? Somebody answered me this about the 60s and 70s. And this is 80, but you know, They wrote it.

Yeah. Filmed in 79. This is, yeah. Why did they, certain words just decided they had to be a different thing. And melody. You have to say, melody. That was a 60s. I don't, no one says it like that, but it just has to be forever.

You're right. Melody. Yeah, it's like how certain poets just think through and rough rhyme. And we're just, we just haven't noticed the words on the page. Does that happen? Oh, yeah. Trust me. They're like, no one will ever say this out loud.

A couple of Keats scholars are really fucking loving that one. It's a pretty heavy criticism of some of Hurley Ulysses. All right. Me and Thomas are talking football. You guys notice how hot the Smiths are? What are they doing here? Am I right? Lydia will talk football with us on this one. It's just asking Eli.

All right. But then, you know, what we're supposed to see here is that this duet, they don't have the fancy dancers and the horns section that these other guys. It's just the two of them. and their voices, but yet they managed to connect with the audience. They won't even have any weird shapes. Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly.

Now, they also have like a bunch of other instruments joining them from behind, like always happens. I know. I know, I said that's a little bit. I was like, he's drumming right now. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. There's somebody back there. There's a lead guitar somehow. Who's playing that? I don't know.

That's celly, our unseen drummer. We're sort of in an alphabetical order situation. The second least unhealthy kind of Polly. but all the guys in the audience are like this is a stupid love song and all the women are like crying and just move to tears by it and everything but then we see like back in the booth the producers are getting nervous right like the mr boogalo and his crowd are getting nervous because like maybe their team won't win after all yeah and the men are being one over right we see the audience they're cuddling yeah to their girlfriends everyone's calm down people aren't screaming

at these two poor people that are just trying to sing a freaking song. Yeah, right. One of the heckles is one of the audience members goes, do the bill. Yeah. I don't know what that guy thinks is going on. That's them saying Freebird.

That's their equivalent. The last song, maybe you do that one too. Yeah, right, exactly. That's the fucking, what is this is the canteena from fucking Star Wars? You just heard that fucking song. What are we doing here? Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Bob. That's the whole, really, you didn't get enough hey, hey,

Hey, hey, BIM's on the way at the end of that thing, really? I was promised that Bim is on the way, and Bim hasn't gotten here yet. Where's Bim? I know you guys are supposed to be Bim. So, also, Bim stands for what? It's like the music. Bougolo music and industrial music. Yeah, so it's the name of the, like, company.

Yeah. And I just love it. It's like, do the BIM, like B. That's like saying IBM. It might as well be IBM, actually. Yeah. What if you love the song was I? B.m.

And everyone was like, this is great a level. Yeah, fantastic. Tass luck. So, yeah, but they get so nervous about it that Mr. Bougalo has a guy put a cassette tape on, a little tiny cassette like would go in, uh, oh, who was the transformer with the fucking, yeah. Well, there you go. Oh, yeah, the reference was even worse. Yeah.

So, no. So he puts, in 1994, damn it. He puts on this cassette, this little cassette that has beeping noises. So the audience is like, I don't like this sound. now that there are beeping noises. Snaps everyone out of it. No one's like, hey, I think someone's playing an annoying beeping thing. They're just like, wait, now I hate this song I liked five seconds ago.

This part of this song is unpleasant. Even though it's exactly the same as it was. I also listen to big thief music. I get it, audience. Who's with you on that one? I don't know. I don't know what that is. Probably two hipsters who liked it.

But their heartbeat rates go down or whatever. And then she runs off the fucking stage because they're all booing her. And he's like, well, I'm at least. going to finish the goddamn Coda here. True performer. You know. Well, hold on. And that's part of the genius of this film, because that's

insight into their characters. Like, he's not going to bow to peer pressure. She's too responsive to the... Yeah, there's layers to this, okay? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's foreshadow. So, okay. So then we cut to Mr. Bugolo. He's leaving after the competition, and we have to show off

that he's, like, multilingual. So, like, all these reporters are asking him in different languages for comments. And it's all four languages, right? Yeah, all four. Exactly. He asked me, he was like, what's happening? Well, it's because the subtitles also were just that language.

Like, they weren't in English. And so I was like, what is going on? And then Lydia says, I love this about Lydia. Because she's the girl in the thing. She's very susceptible to any peer society. She's like, oh, no, it's a bit. And I was like, oh, okay. And so I keep watching it.

And then I was like, there's no, that wasn't a bit. Are we sure that it's a bit? She just was speaking different language. Thank you. Being able to memorize a couple of sentences in four different languages like a magic trick to Americans. That's what it is. Right. The guy's like, wow, French, German and Italian?

Holy fuck. What does it even do for the character and the scene? I don't get it. Like, I still, we've seen the whole movie. I don't get the point of what that was, but. Well, so he's Satan. Right. Oh, right.

Because Satan can famously multilingual. Famously multilingual. He does a lot of, you know, the owl app or whatever. He's got to be able to. I forget. Yeah, duolingo. Demon lingo. He is the goddamn owl, yeah.

Duolingo, you can only learn two? He's learned like a seven. He needs different. I'm losing my streak. I'll torture you in a second. I don't want to lose my streak. There's a goth girl on here who I'm worried about. But the reporters are asking him, Melissa, they say a lot of people think that the competition

was rigged, right? And he's going to get those damn reporters that are asking about that. Joe Pittman. Yes, right. You remember that name? I will never forget that. name because of this movie now. Wasn't he one of the other few people that actually

was in something later? No, so he became a composer actually. That actor later went on to be a composer and did like Mortal Kombat and I don't know. If he did that original, I said that to later I was like, if he did the like Mono combat, like then you're a genius. I don't know. If he did that, but he probably didn't.

That was pretty good. Pretty solid. All right. So but then we cut to the big party. So they win. Bim wins. Yeah. And so now we're at the after party. And the guy is going to show what he's come up with. Now, presumably he's had one day. Like, like, he turned to him earlier that evening.

Right? Yeah, yeah, like two hours, right? And he's like, give me some merge. And he comes, like, two hours later, he's like, oh, I got triangles. Stickers. Bim machine, as we said. The bimball machine.

And he's like, are you sure that wasn't just a pinball machine that was already here? No, it's different. That was Adam's family. I bought yesterday. You just put a sticker over. Yeah, so now everyone is wearing the BIM mark, right? Like this triangle sticker

And this is important because it comes into the movie Oh please Why don't you lecture the Christian people Movie people about the triangle? I was going to ask you if you understand this at all Or have no it what it is, son. She doesn't know anything about religion in any way. Yeah.

So this is a constant Christian movie thing It's the mark of the beast or whatever, right? I've only learned this from you guys. I don't know it either. It's always weird accents and the mark of the beast is like this. And everybody has to wear the same marker. They all have to wear the mark. It's part of the,

Part of the fucking the whole bullshit. You tell us. I don't know. Now, the thing that they fuck up about this is it's just a sticker, right? So, like, normally the Mark of the Beast is like a tattoo or an implant, something that, like, you can't get rid of. But this is just a sticker. You have to reapply on a case.

The most removable thing there could possibly be. Like, you cannot even keep it on. Like, if you were trying to give people tickets, they would constantly be like, oh, fuck, it fell off again, you know? Oh, yeah. It got stuck to that other thing. Yeah, exactly. I was actually expecting Noah for you to identify what pinball that was based on that clip.

Oh, yeah. be able to identify. It's this one from 19-17. That actually was Bimball. Puts his finger in the air. I'm saying that's a 2006 Adam's family machine. Went back in time. Bumpers are a little loose.

That one's not going to tilt well for you. What are you even saying? That makes no. I still don't believe there's any skill involved. I think you and April are making it up because I caught you being old people and you were like, no, this is real. We're not just touching the button. Okay. So then we cut to the love song couple.

They're going to the party too, but Alfie doesn't want to. Bibi wants to because she knows it'll be good for their career to get in good with Mr. Bougolo, the producer. But Alfie's not so sure about it, right? So they arrive and then Mr. Bougalow announces them and everybody makes fun of the fact that they're from a place called moose jaw. Yeah. It's a weird way to introduce someone by having everyone laugh at where they're from. Yeah.

Right? Also, as though that's like a, like it's still a place that. exists in this time, right? It's not like that's... Yeah. You know what? They're like playing it like, this is the future and that's from the past or something.

You know what I mean? Like that's kind of how they're playing. It's like, sure. Well, it's still name that apparently. However, this moment was how I felt when I introduced the Smiths to full-time podcasting because they were just normal humans and we were all triangle-shaped monstrosities. Sure. That makes sense.

Quit your government jobs and drink out of this boss. So, yeah, so with Mr. Bougalow, he introduced. So these two characters are supposed to be a couple, but he's like, now here, Alfi, you fuck Dandy. Yeah, he just like pairs them off. Yeah, right, with Pandy and Dandy. And boy, Alfie got the better end of that fucking deal. Jesus.

Right. I don't remember who's who, but the one that's a girl is miles out of the league. Pandy. That's Pandy. She's right behind you. I think I like this movie. Yeah, right there. Oh, my, hold on it right there.

There's a there. Yeah, that's pan. And then this fucking dingus is the other guy. Yeah. It was the 80s, Thomas. It was a different time. That's the best we had in the 80s. So, but then he's like, why doesn't everyone drink some alcohol?

And Alfie's like, I don't drink alcohol. And everybody laughs. And Peeb's like, I'll drink an alcohol. And it's a huge bowl of champagne. It's so large. They give her a tall, like, flower vase. Yeah. And then he gets a fishbow.

Yeah. A fishbow. It is a, like, we're not exaggerating. when we said that, like, if you put that much milk on your cereal, it would be excessive, right? This giant bowl of champagne. And we're all sitting there going, drink it. I want to see you drink without that splashing all over your fucking face, lady. You just stick her head and going.

You see it splashing? You go, oh, oh, so we're going to go over there. We're going to go, okay, we're not going to cut. We're going to walk. I'm going to put my arm in it and I'll come out with a scoop. Let's go over here. Yep, the second, next scene. Is this like the hell long spoons thing where I give you the drink and you give it to me?

It's a metaphor for sharing. The Chinese magician and the prestige. Yeah. You think about the budget that went. How did they get this budget? Was the guy a billionaire? Because like it's not that easy. Like in this day and age, you'd be like, oh, someone 3D printed all this shit.

Sure. Yeah. But like they have, later on, they have the different glasses that they have for drinks. It will continue through the show. They get triangle ones that are long. elongated triangles. It's bizarre. Why would that be the future, man?

So the thing is, is that like somebody, the guy who produced this thought it was going to be a big hit. I thought like Saturday Night Fever was a big hit, and this is just like Saturday Night Fever. Plus religion, which people love. Plus religion, which makes it even better. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like sometimes we go to Europe for conventions or something, and we meet Europeans who are a solid 60 years in the past, and they'll be like, you know what I love most about your podcast, where you always say Heath is the one, with the beard and then they wander off into the crowd and I'm like man I have no

I don't think that guy's heard our podcast this is this version of watching Saturday Night Fever right they were like Gopin so they love singing they love dancing and they love men with a venereal disease we can do this guys oh god but I just the cup I'm so sorry the cup

is something that has existed for like the artifacts we have from the ancient the oldest thing we have is a cup pretty consistent Right, yes, yes. Why would we change that? Yes. And then all of a sudden, 14 years in the future, yeah, for example, 14 years in the future, we're like, fuck that.

Fuck that cup. We have a better idea. Everything else out the window, yeah. It's okay. So, but Dandy takes Beebe on a tour of the penthouse. He's like, hey, my underwear model guy is going to take your girlfriend upstairs to the bedroom. You and I, let's go talk about your future. Yeah.

And he gives her a pill here, which fucking rules? Oh, my God. And I'm not, look, I'm not going to name names of who this would work on on the podcast. But she's like, what is it? And he's like, it's a pill. Take it. She's like, you got it, man. Oh, okay.

I thought it was like a, like, what? What is the other thing? She thought it was one of those really extreme mints that's like a really unpleasant experience. Yeah, she wanted to know, do I swallow it or just keeping in my mouth like a mint? That's what? Yeah. It's like, what is it? Oh, okay.

A pill. She goes, well, what will it do? He goes, it won't hurt. hurt you and I'm like, well, that you've ruled out all the bad stuff right there. Listeners, if you would like to know who Eli was talking about, go to YouTube and watch this. Because I think my face will reveal. No, it's me. I think it's also me if you said, oh, we open these and they'll go bad.

Okay, no, that's true. I think it all depends on the presentation. Thomas wasn't paying attention. I'd get him to take the pill. If he was mid-edit, I could just be like, hey, buddy, buddy. What is it? It's pills. By one o'clock and he'd be like, oh, bad.

That's true. Crunchy. Crunchy. So now, of course, at this point, we need are in desperate need of a song and dance number. So we do like the dandy trying to seduce BB song. Yes, and it's beauty school dropout vibes for folks. Oh, is that this one? Sure.

Okay. Big time. 100%. This is beauty school dropout vibes. No, I thought that was a later song. No, no, no. That's this one. Yep.

And honestly, I feel like the choreo slaps throughout the entire movie. The choreography is the one good thing in this movie. And you know why? Yeah. You know why? Because Nigel fucking Lithgow was the choreographer for this movie. A judge from so you think you can dance. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. It's actually good. Oh, no, no, that is good. What's amazing, too, is you can see that that's the only good thing in this entire movie besides Professor Sprout kind of can act, but it doesn't really happen. But, like, you can see what happens when you have a good choreography. but nobody can dance. It's like, oh, that would be good if they, oh, yeah, I see.

Right, if anyone had any talent. It's so good, so creative. You can see the vision. He hates that he did this movie, by the way. Duh. Oh, does he? He doesn't want to talk about it ever. But he said it's because, like, the actual experience of the production was so traumatizing.

Okay, now that's incredible. Because if you're saying, imagine saying, I don't want to talk about doing that movie. and you're not talking about because it's fucking sucked so hard. Imagine how bad. There must have been like a serial killer in the movie or something that killed half of the. Tell me you've never worked with Israelis without telling me you've never worked with Israelis. He said it was like impossible to, he said it was like hurting cats trying to get all the dancers to like actually show up for things because drugs you could just buy over the counter in Germany at the time. So he said everyone was just like buying benzos and hoppers and stuff constantly.

They also had to be in this movie. Yeah. I'm a break. Right. No, that's fair. That's fair. So, okay. So, but then she's singing about what a fantasy he is.

Alfie comes in cock blocks her. And he's like, we got to leave. Yeah. So then we cut to Alfie and Beebe going to see him the following day, right, about signing a contract and being the next big duet in his bevy. This is the best part of the movie. Is it? This is the airport?

I legitimately, unironically, love the music number when everybody's just waiting. in the waiting room. Is that this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The big waiting room. It's so good. Okay, we need to, I wish we could play this. They decided to try to pull off a time change in this one.

So the chorus is in 6-8. The verse is in four. So, and then they try to pull off a time change. And what I love about this is they, I don't know if they dubbed it. This is the one that's also like the airport sounds. Yeah.

Yes. So they never got it right. Not a single time. Because it's one, two, three, four. D-da-da-da-da. one da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da it's in six eight and so every time they're like went to and there's done nothing but all business like every single one like starts with like a stumble before they get into it and then by the end you're like oh yeah i guess the time check oh back to four four like by the time

they get back to four four they barely adjust it to the six eight it's it's the best yeah you ever go to like a high school production of a musical that's meant for grownups to do that's what watching this movie is like well and also like have you ever watched on video a production that high school students did, right? Because the sound on this, we're not exaggerating at all when we say it just sounds like they're in an open, tin-roofed rare warehouse the whole fucking time.

It's so funny. But it's also so fucking funny because they're all just in the waiting room to get signed, the massive airport waiting room, and they're just doing their performances for no reason. The most insane. I love. I actually love this part. There's like a random clown.

I watch this. Air conditioner- themed clown. Like, I will be watching. Saturn magician. Yeah, the clown. If you're going to watch one scene, this would be the scene to watch. It's so fucking good. God, I love it. And then there's the actual good choreography, too.

And you're like, that's actually smart and funny. With a tap break. Yeah. Yeah, there's the phone, the phone operators do a thing and they're supposed to like, do it. And then like say no. But then one, like can't even do it. She's like in the background kind of like laughing like a, and you're like, God, if you all did this geniuses choreography, this would have been a hit.

It would have been a hit, I tell you. I just love that like they ended with a big tap dancing. bit just so we could traumatize Eli from every possible direction. Very hurtful. Thank you for seeing my truth and understanding my pain. No illusions. One, two, three, what did that? There is nothing about your business.

Weird. All right. Well, this was a scene about waiting. So I think we all deserve a break. But we're back in a minute with all the glitz and glitter of the Apple. Hey, podcast listener. As you probably know by now, it's Matryon, which means we're fundraising for the most important cause of all.

Us. Oh, should we go? Not at all, Thomas, because this year, we've pledged that our very own Thomas Smith will remain celibate unless we hit 1,000 new and upgrading patrons. Wait, what? That's right. Until we get 1,000 new and upgrading patrons at matrion.com, that's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N-com, Thomas will know no pleasure of the flesh.

None at all. Wait, Lydia, you agreed to this? They told me you said yes. He said yes with his eyes. God damn it. But you won't just be giving Thomas sweet physical release. Patrons also get access to our pajama party live stream, behind the scenes, extras, and so much more.

So head on over to matrion.com today to pledge or increase your pledge today. Matrion.com for Thomas. Okay, I signed up for a thousand dollar pledge. Okay, that only counts. one, though. God damn it. Lydia. Lydia, what's your email? Why don't you know my email? It's not the right time, okay?

Thanks so much for inviting us to your party, Mr. Bougallo. No problem, darlings. Can I get you a drink? No, thanks. Can we leave? Alfie, we'd love a drink. Here you go. Oh, uh, these cups are... Tall? Go on.

enjoy. I can't really tilt it without spilling. Mine's a fish bowl? Isn't it divine? I really want to leave. Never mind. We're doing a musical number now anyways. Maybe if I had a straw. Oh, I hate it here.

And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with Alfie and Beebe getting their chance to see Mr. Bougalow after a long wait. And it's at this point that we should. point out to the audience that their main vision for the future, the creators of this film, was that it would be iridescent, right? Everything, like, when they walk into the office, he's got these two big pillars that are just covered with iridescent, like, contact paper or whatever. There's just rainbows shining off of every fucking thing.

Yeah, this is pre the cement companies taking all the glitter. So there was a lot more glitter to go around. I don't know that particular thing. Do you not know this? No. Oh, this was a huge internet meme a while back This one glitter company was like, if everyone knew who bought most of the glitter,

they'd lose their fucking minds. And they were like, oh, it's probably toothpaste. But it's not toothpaste. It was cement companies. No, it was boat makers, boat companies. No, cement companies. This is our final. Well, the meme was, the meme was about boaters.

Our cast is going to break up over this. You know, I think, I'm going to steal the show. I think that we should have been that future. You know, because the future we are is colorless, filtered down nonsense. Yeah. You know, like everything is reduced in color. You see those like comparisons people do? Yeah.

They're like, oh, the color is out of the world. And you're like, you know what? That's bad. We should go back to the 80s. I'm just looking at all of our shirts. We've covered white, black, gray and white and black. Yeah. No, so I guess we're not helping.

To be fair, everything that's bad in this movie is significantly better than our very real culture. Right? Like if in order to have a meeting, you had to sit in an airport hanger with an air conditioner themed magician and clown, that's still significantly better than the Iran war. Even if you don't know the choreography.

Yeah. I need to take a moment because I don't know if any of you gentlemen notice this, but this scene was perfection because we got beautiful angles of Alfie's rear end and he has literally a full wagon.

He is carrying a wagon with him. The pants are actually inside his skin. They move under his skin. I was so happy for him. I was like, good for you. That's a real good butt. You have a real good butt. We should point out.

Alfie is that that is the only reason that he had good hair and a great ass. So we haven't mentioned this yet, but Alfie is a Scottish gentleman who is trying to sound like he's from Canada. And it's the most just jarring, weird ass accent that you've ever. heard you spend the whole movie going what are you going for me he was never in another movie after this dropped off the face of the fucking earth Scottish people that must be hard

because their normal talking is a whole different part of your mouth like they use it right they don't yes it's way back here somewhere you want to use the parts that are like this and you're like yeah why would you always use those parts well I don't know we can only go no one ever made Jabba the Hut do Romeo

for a summer in fucking base on version Virginia. It goes as good as you expect. Be sad. Wait, wait, come. Oh, sorry, hold on. And, of course, the way this scene plays out is Mr.

Bugolo wants him to sign a contract. And now if he's like, well, do you mind if we read over it? And he's like, no, we, no time, no time, you know. And they have separate contracts, too, which I think is important, right? Because he can't sign as a duo. And I do want to cede ground to the legal experts here, Cavill, Cable, available wherever you get your podcast. But does it really make it?

matter if layman read a contract, you're not going to get it. Well, that's why Alfie's like, I want a lawyer. Right, right, yeah, absolutely. Alfie's right. Yeah, yeah. Justice for Alfie. Painfully. Yeah, justice for the man who knows everything,

sensible man, and then the woman has to be an idiot. Exactly. A flighty woman. Right, yeah, exactly. So he's like, well, I want to read over these contracts. And he's like, well, you've got a meeting with the best fashion designer in the world in 20 seconds. And he's like, well, I don't have. ramping up like what he like somehow she already has a music career like I said oh yeah you're

you got to get on the plane the tour starts right now the tour you're already on the stage right now this is if you sign right now I'm hitting you the Grammy now you can't sign now you can't get it it's having a Grammy yeah oh just record your second album if you sign it right now you got right yeah so and and he goes well let me read this over you know in the in the 19 seconds I have before this appointment and he's like, nope, no time, here comes the press. And he pushes a button and the wall slides away and all these Star Trek extras are like,

we're the press. For some reason, in 14 years, we're all dressing in fucking velvet Vs. I don't know why. Let's say this. As Trump, as Trump has destroyed the mainstream media more and more and they've sort of leaned into it

allowed themselves to be manipulated to become right-wing vehicles of that speakerphone, why don't they try all wearing the same outfit because I bet that if everyone was wearing sparkly red one day, I bet the fascists would be like, what's

what's going on? You got to dance back is what I'm saying. Dance back. I like it. So of course, B.B. is ready to sign because she's the flighty woman, right? And she doesn't know no better. Just hand her a pill. Yeah, right. Well, does Lydia know that Eve did the

Apple stuff? Yes, I know that. I wasn't sure. They blame it on her. Yes, I know that. I'm a woman. She's heard that it's her fault. She's raised with zero Bible, everybody. She doesn't know anything about this other than from your show. And the pills we handed her.

Yeah. But Alfie decides, all right, he gets it's his own sign. So he picks up the pen and suddenly there's an earthquake that only he can see and feel. This is so weird. And visions. And it goes for a long fucking time. But yeah, we watch him. Like being weirdly constantly.

in the middle of an earthquake and then everybody doing the like, what were you looking at just now kind of a thing? Oh, it's so good, Noah, because here's the thing. He can't act or do any acting of any kind or anything. And so what they do is they have him see, in his mind, the world's coming apart. But what's happening on the outside is he's going,

but in Scottish, I don't know what the Scottish is. It's hoot. It's hoot. And then he's doing nothing, but then the whole world has started staring at him being like, what's wrong? While he's just sitting there, like, why would they think anything was wrong. He was just literally standing there expressionless.

Yeah. And at one point, like, everybody starts chanting a sign, like they're trying to get the freshmen to drink. Sign, sign, sign. But then he sees like darkness and lightning that nobody else can see. And then there's hellfire apparently. Which is like, it already was a shit contract to begin with. Why did you need all that? Right. Yeah. The situation already sucked. I wouldn't have needed to see any of that. Well, and then suddenly they're all transported to hell. Okay, so now she is, Bibi is wearing this body suit that's like kind of just pretending to cover her junk just a little bit with her vines or whatever.

Alfie is in a fucking loincloth. He's in it. And the other guy, who's the bad guy? Mr. Bougaloole-oh. Oh, Dandy? No, sorry, not Mr. Bougalloole. Yeah, Dandy or whatever, the male bad guy. This guy, sorry, this, this, this scene.

Yes, yes. Here's what I love. He's wearing a fucking, he's, he's Eli before every single got off a movie's live show. Correct. He's wearing an eye patch. But he doesn't want to show his ass. But there's one, you can tell he's ungovernmental, there's one part where he has to, like, get up on something.

And he accidentally turns and then you can see him like, turn back and be like, I'm so. Yes, yes. Yeah, exactly. Trying to back the way. Because he's got full bare ass, like thong. Oh, it's right up. And you only get one little shot of it because of that.

And it's, uh, it's, though. Yeah. No. Not for free. That's a shame. Not for free. If you want to see Alfies, you have to cast him in this movie, which is I think how that happened.

Yeah. And what I love is that the whole reason this scene happens is because they were watching this movie or writing this movie and they were like, you know what, guys, this metaphor of Adam and Eve, too subtle. Too subtle. I don't lose people. Right. So let's give them this apple that if you're watching this, you can see it. That's half green half red.

Okay, but what lyrics will we write? Apple. Apple? Apple? Apple? Apple. Oh, man. Dirty.

Dery apple, Rotten apple, Bery Apple. I almost went with worst lyrics. It's really bad. So some of my favorite lyrics from this musical number are

Meet an actual, actual, actual vampire. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I love that part. When we cast the apple eye on you, join me in the Apple dance. And then they just say

something Apple, like different words with Apple for. Now, here's the best thing about this song. Now, this is where I think they were still trying to figure out how to do this whole audio thing. Because before, they're like, all right, we did that last song, and it was the airport. You could hear the plane's taken off. Like, there was all that, that was terrible. Now, they have, they're way too loud.

They're way too hot on the singer's mic, the guy, thong guy's mic. Yeah. And so what you hear is what he does, like during the parts of the song where he's not singing. Because he finishes and he's got the voice that's like, like that, like that voice, you know. And then you hear him and the music's going, he's like, you can hear the hot mic where he's like, quick, give me another key bump. Yeah, right, right.

You can see it's so funny because the part he's not seeing it, the mic is still the highest thing in the whole mix. And he's like, and we have to, we should point out to to the listeners that the apple that they're giving them is the size of a bowling. It's a bowling ball-sized apple that's half green and half red, right? Is that part of it? Is that part of the mythology?

Part of the story? Nope. Fun fact, in the mythology, it's actually a pomegranate. It's actually not, it's not specified what it is. All you're doing is arguing with me today, and I think it's bad for the show. I will, yes, Andrew. Yeah, no, pomegranate it all the way. And it was cement.

You have to say it, or I'm not doing any more. Healthy. I wish I was committed enough I just pouts. I like the turning the chair. Yeah, that's good. I'm not just do the podcast. I can't see you.

I don't sleep. So, okay. So, but Alfie tells her, no, don't eat the apple. And then Panty's like, look, I'm going to seduce you in just a minute, but let her eat the apple first or whatever. Yes. Yeah. Does she ever eat that? No, no one ever takes a bite of that thing because it's a prop.

No, that prop was not biteable. It was not. You could tell there were a moment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the big music number ends with Alfie, like, hallucinating in Bougalow's office and deciding not, like, he was like hallucinating this whole thing.

And he decides he's not going to sign the contract. He will never sign the contract. So he goes to March past these two security guards. And I feel sorry for everyone involved in this movie to some degree or another. But nobody more than these guys that had to wear these fucking boartusk teeth. Yeah. That's weird. God, it's weird.

Oh, that's got to be so uncomfortable. Imagine wearing vampire teeth upside down so the things kind of come up. But the strangest thing, too, is like, I thought initially it was tied to the visions he was having. But it's throughout the rest of the movie. No, they're wearing. That's just how they are. That's the one guy that's in the Harry Potter bartender, I think. Oh, okay.

There you go. So, you know, it worked out. Yeah, no, it all went well for him after that. Yeah. So, yeah, but so Alfie charges out of the building. B.B. goes to follow him, but Pandy and Dandy. stop her on the way out and they're like, hey, you know, where are you going?

And she's like, well, I've got to follow my boyfriend. They're like, no, you don't. And she's like, oh, I didn't think about it like that, though. You know what I love about bad movies and bad acting and bad writing and bad everything? When she said, but he's my boyfriend, I was like, oh, he is? Yeah, right. I thought they were brother and sister to that point. Yes, absolutely.

I mean, there's a big, are they dating or are they siblings, Osmond's vibe going on. Because there's not an ounce of chemistry between them. Nope. At all. None. At no point did I pick up on that until she said it. I thought it was a Phineas situation, huh? I thought it was a...

Oh, Phineas and Billy Island. Yeah, that was a Billy Island. I was like Phineas and Furb? That too. Because I've looked at those cartoons, too, but you're not supposed to admit it on the internet. They're grown-ups in the cartoons. Sure.

That makes it better. Thank you. Thank you, Eli. I love that you threw me a bone, though. So he's trying to save that joke. Yeah. I just desperately try to save his bit. Okay.

So now it's time for another musical number, right? We've got Bugolo and Dandy and Beebe and Pandy and Shagal all sitting at a dinner table and he's going to sing about, you know, like what it takes to be a rock star master. Yeah. Oh, yes. Oh, that's that one. Okay. He's such a good master.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like the makeover scene, right? Like that's kind of what they're doing for BB at this point. Right. She's doing, like, we watch her exercise. We watch her learn her dance bits. and everything like that.

Yeah, exactly. And I just want to say, like, at this point in my notes, I wrote that the guy who plays Bougalo is way too good for this movie. Really? Because, like, he's awful. Everything about him is awful.

He's so committed. But he's exactly. He's so committed to the bit. He's 100% living in the director's vision. It's not his fault that that vision is fucking awful. Right? He gave everything he had to this. There's that.

They do that. What I love, when they have someone who's a good actor, that you want to get in the musical movie that can't sing. They have to boost his voice and give it a ton of reverb. So he's just like,

well, I'm the master. And you're like, he's not really singing, but it kind of gives them, like, sort of a singing feel. But then the dub is really bad. I think Tim Curry was fantastic in Rocky Horror Picture Show.

How there is? Yeah, it is. But I agree with you. I like, at the end of this, I was like, man, I like that guy. Yeah, exactly.

He gave it his all, you know? Good for you. Yeah. And like every one of these songs They wrote a song They realized it was like 48 seconds long And they're like well fuck these need to be two and a half minutes So he just repeats the line

BAMBBB whatever Master Da-da-da-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ha Guy from the audience at the beginning Is like Do the B All right I am

I'm I've been waiting to say I am for like six and a half weeks Yes I won't say B Speaking of which Okay so now we've got After that song ramps up. We've got B.B. She's heading out to start her first big tour.

Right. Yeah. With what song? I don't know. She just has a song. Who the fuck knows. Yeah. They say to the press on the way out, she's going to be the number one Bim star and we're like, what does Bim mean? Yeah. Right. It's become kind of a smurf thing. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So then, okay, so now she, we go to her first concert and we know she's all the way corrupted now because she's in metallic spandex. Right. And she's singing about. drugs. This song is insane. Yeah.

It's insane. So bad. Honestly, it's because it's all about how America is a drug addict and honestly it's not a terrible description of our country. Yeah. But it's done as badly as you could do it. Yes, absolutely. Like the repeating course is just speed. But like she tries to do like a.

What do you call it? What do you call it when you're like going? Like I know what if you call it a glissone. I can't remember something like that. But it's a slide or whatever where you're like. Yeah, but she never gets to the top note. Yeah, she's over pitch. I don't know if it's intentional or not,

but either way, I hate it. Like, it's just like, spoo- And this was a different actor's voice. Like, this was a different voice dubbed for her. I think I was in too much misery to be able to tell. I mean, she could sing this good, like, right? She's saying another. But, yeah, it was fucking awful.

But, of course, the real point of it is that the whole time she's doing this song, she's just surrounded by leather datties that are dancing around. And they're like, we're making a Christian. movie. Yeah. Who are all gay and have no interest in her whatsoever.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. But also, she's gay too, right? Isn't she a lesbian, the actress? Her? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I wouldn't be supposed to all. Yeah.

I'm picturing Lydia with like 17 screens. Yeah, she wasn't until this movie. People's Grindr profiles. Yeah, right. She's moving them like Tom Cruise. Yeah. Who is also gay. So then we get our first view of like the dystopian world of 1994.

I was, all the glitz and glamour of bimdom or whatever. Yeah, and it's about right or better than the... Well, it's the neighborhood Cecil grew up in. Yeah, it was like, it was 1980. It just went outside, you know. But this is where we meet that lady from Harry Potter. I didn't recognize.

I didn't recognize her. I honestly was looking it up and was like, oh, my God, you're not going to believe what this is, I said to Lydia. Not only is he the only real actor, she's the only one doing real acting. Because everyone else is doing 1980s like, what's up, friend? Yeah, they're doing, they're not actors. They're doing like some person from the 80s who doesn't act is trying to act. They might as well have like a shaking script in their hand. Right.

Yes. And she's doing Jew voice, which we forgive. And it's great. It's fucking phenomenal. She is Jewish, so. Is she? Yeah. Oh, I don't think British people can be bold.

She is really outspoken about how British Jewish people should be talking about Palestinians and stuff. It's great. She's 85 or so and she's really strong on that issue. Yeah. All right. Well, there you go. See, it's not hard, you lie. You can't be.

So, but what we see here is that future cop has to harass her for not wearing her bim mark. Yes. Right. Now you've got it. You actually have to wear the little lenticular rainbow triangle. on your face somewhere all the time. Now, they skipped a lot of steps here because, you know, like, we've,

we, I say the collective we of this show. I've heard you guys do 11,000 of this exact movie, this part. Sure. No, no one's ever done this movie, but like, nothing like this. The part where you're like, hey, you need your mark, you bobbed, but like, when did Bim become the government? Like, you gotta skip the bunch of steps.

Like, nobody... Music producer is the fucking anti-cline. Do you know why? You know why? You're some fucking world building. It's because we were also distracted. We missed it, because we were distracted by the glist and the glamour of the movie. Like there's no part, they'd throw away line, nothing. There's no part where they're like, oh, and by the way, I've bought, I could do this, I bought the government time now.

Yeah, exactly. You got a turn. You got to do it. Yeah, like, they could have put in two seconds of that. At the very least. For all we know, it's a corporation who the police are like, you need to wear your BIM sticker. Right.

Yeah. And honestly, I remember when Taylor had her new album out, I did kind of feel like I might have gotten a ticket for not listening to it. Yeah, yeah. That's fair. Makes sense. So, okay. So, but then we, she gets ticketed for not wearing her BIM market.

She goes inside. She is Alfie's landlady. Oh, boy. Right. It takes us a while to figure out she's not his mom. And then it takes us a while to figure out that she's not his girlfriend. First, I thought it was his mom, but she was doing the extreme, Yentel, whatever, like, and I was like, are they trying to play it off like this

Jewish woman is his mom? That would be so fucking funny. This Scottish guy. Yeah. And then also demanding rent. From her son. Yeah, that's the only time I knew it wasn't his mom.

That's how we figured it out, yeah. Yeah. The groping, though, that we have to, this is. Yeah. This is the groping scene. There's no reason for it. It's like two seconds before the end of the scene.

And they've been doing a pretty standard. I'm your landlord. Make sure you get me your rent stick. Yeah. And he's like, I'm going to write another song to sell. I'm going to sell my song. Yeah. Don't you worry.

I'll get you your money. And then right before he leaves, almost this. afterthought. He just massacres her tits. Well, she's and she's front, she's gotten to the camera here, like she's at the door, the camera's at the door. And you see, you see it coming behind her and she says like, oh, this old bosom of yours

still has some, something, compassion or something. Shelly might not be wearing a bra. I was like shot, like actually, it's like, whoa my God, what just happened? It was a jump scare for sure. And like, she obviously was, it was part of this. scene, I guess, because she acts it, but like, I- Thomas messaged her on Instagram.

She hasn't gotten back about what I was part of the scene. I need to know. I need to comment. I need reach out to comment. Like, whose idea was this? And the thing that blows my mind about this is there's no explanation. There is no conceivable explanation. It doesn't work for the scene.

It doesn't work for the characters. It doesn't make sense with any of the movie. He's the, like, religious guy, right? He's like the pure whatever guy. Right. The uncorruptible. There's no explanation. But he will grab it.

Yeah. unconsenting. It's the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen. Like, I truly, I'm still thinking about it. Like, what, I just want to know who made the decision and how did the conversation go? You know how there are these crazy moments from childhood movies that stick with you forever, like the chocolate cake and Matilda and then for the rest of your life, you just sort of are a little scarred by that. I bet this is that for some people. Right? Yeah. It's for me. Right, yeah, Thomas. Being like, leave Professor Sprout's tits alone. They can get rid of the gremlin's scene about how her dad died. Don't look that up. Yes, exactly. That's the dumbest, weirdest.

This tops that almost. Fucking brilliant scene. Okay, so now he's got to go into town to sell his song, and we get like some of their splash attempts to, like, make it look like the future. I included a picture of the 1994 baby strollers in our notes. Yes. If you're watching on YouTube, I've got that up as well.

For whatever reason, the baby strollers are not pointy-edged things like everything else. Well, yeah, they're squares. Yeah, the rectangular. But then they have a bubble. Yeah, the bubble too. That I don't really ask you a little like, what are they going for there? You think it's a baby stroller? I 100% think it's a baby stroller.

Yeah, I think that's what we're right. It's a metal box. I don't know. It's just like, okay. Yeah, right. It would be really hot. Yeah. It'd be very hot for the babies.

I was trying to go with the mythology or the future. I was like, what is it now? You're probably right. It's probably just babies. You know how, like, in Sweden or Norway, they leave their babies outside or some weird shit? Maybe it's one of those in the future. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy.

And so he's going to sell his song, but what I love is this movie's an idiot and doesn't know anything. They show him recording a song in the studio. Yep. And he's strumming the wrong part of the guitar, which I love. He's actually doing some fingering that looks almost okay. Like he tried to learn that. But then he starts strumming like the very back of the bridge, which would be like it would sound like shit. Yeah.

And he does a whole song. I'm like, okay, so he's in, so he sold his song? He's in the studio, right? Like, you don't, studio time is not free. And then he's like, all right, so how do you like my song? And they're like, we hate it. I'm like, what? Why are you recording it?

Not great. Yeah. It's a nice combination of effort, right? Is if you just use the audition to record the song, you got it right there if you like it. Yeah. Yeah. Thank Thomas. So yeah, but they don't want his song.

His song isn't good enough. So then we wait. He's like brooding in the park when a cop comes to fuck with him. for not wearing his BIM mark. That's right. Right. They give him a ticket and he rips it up. And then.

Oh, are we there? Are we there? Yes. Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. That's right. Oh, that's perfect. It is exactly Sprockets. Yeah, these fucking speakers that are everywhere in the world,

they pipe up and they're like, it's time for the national BIM hour. And we're like, what does BIM fucking mean? And then kind of, the thing is, kind of in on the joke because they have firefighters do it like putting out a fire and they, the movie is in on the joke and so far they're like

oh the firefighters are stopping putting out the fire to do this which is okay that's a good bit but then I don't know that they're in on the joke because it doesn't make any sense anywhere for anyone. No. It's just majestic though. I just love it. A surgery stops. Everybody just has to do like a fucking mandatory

dance number. Yeah, right, right. And I do I love the idea of a national mandatory dance number, right? Just because I want to, like, because we could engineer it to be mere Heath when that first happened, right? Yeah. And I'm excited because as a fat person, it turns out that fat people were just going to have to do.

Yeah, so, like, there's, you see the old people and they're just punching back and forth and then meanwhile, you have other people doing, like, literal switch leaps. Yes, yes. They're all. They are putting it all out there. You know, Thomas is going to be asked to learn a front hand spring while I'm just sitting there. Absolutely. When did they do this?

Like, when did they fucking find the time? I mean, guys, I love this. I love the iridescent stickers. I would, I want this. This is the best apocalypse. We've done so many apocalypse. I want the gay apocalypse. Yes.

If you had to pick this or fucking RFK Jr. telling you about how medicine is actually the opposite of medicine. Fucking two, three, four. I'm in. I'll just give me that. Six, seven, eight. It's on the way. Oh yeah.

Sorry, I did the band version where you're like, two, three, four. Okay. Hey, but we did get the world where the actual health department released that video of him and Kid Rock. That's true. That's true. That's more of this movie than anything else. Yeah. The nuns can dance, you guys.

The nuns fucking killed it too. It was awesome. But this song resolves with Alfie seeing a poster for BB's upcoming concert and all our fans rush in to see her or whatever. They're all wearing metallic trench. goats, which is awesome. Yeah. But she, like, he's trying to, like, get to the front to see her, but there's too many fans in between him and her, right?

He's, like, powering through. Yeah, he picks the worst possible venue at which to try to have a private conversation. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, you can't make it through the crush. We see Pandy and Dandy, like, nobody cares about them anymore. They're all excited about BB these days.

It's all about BB. Yeah, like, biblically speaking, what are they supposed to be? I was trying to think about that. No fucking. idea, minions of Satan of some sort. Yeah. So, but Alfie, like, tries to get to the front, Bibi notices him, but then the security guards drag

her into the car and push him away. They beat the shit out of him for a kid hour. Yeah, beat him up. Yeah. I feel like that was, that wasn't script. We saw what you did to Professor Sprout. Yeah, right, yeah. Oh, but before that, we have this, like... Sprout slips some few dollars on the SAC, like, okay, better revenge. We get that, like, for

just a second before that, we get the, uh, Dandy and Alfie try to have, like, a pretty boy fight. Like, neither of these actors know how a punch works, right? Well, that, and that's the funny thing is they actually kind of looked like they got in a real fight, which is fits what you're saying, because real people don't know how to fight at all. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. I actually was like, that kind of looked like one of them was pissed. You're right. No. Genuinely, genuinely, that is what a real fight looks like, yeah. He's like, and then he like gets pulled back in the car. He's like, okay, I'm good. Yeah, yeah.

And then, of course, the security guards, they beat him up for real. And I guess it looks like our hero is at. rock bottom in that he's in this movie. So we're going to give him in a minute to pull him. Well done. So we'll give him a minute to pull himself together, but first let me give Act Three the hard sell. Will we see the contours of Shakespeare's penis to an Eli at a live show degree?

Will Disco Jehovah show up in a Rolls Royce in the sky to save the day? What kind of asshole would I be if the answers to either of those questions was no? Find out the answers are exactly what you hope they would be. We return for the absolutely fabulous conclusion of the apple. All right, everyone, as you know, as part of the new National Mandatory Exercise Program, we're all going to be doing a big choreograph dance at 4 p.m. How does that work? Yes, well, we're going to, so you're going to do a rehearsal with all the people that you'll be around at 4 o'clock every day.

Well, how will we know who will be around? Yeah, yeah, no, that's a great question. Maybe Google Calendar. Yeah, I can make a Google Calendar. Make sure it's public. I will. More importantly, we need to clarify who will be doing what, right? Old people, you know, I think they could just punch, sort of.

They could just punch. But we're going to need some people to do flips. What if we can't do a flip? Well, we're going to start with the people who know how to do a flip already. But then I guess other people are going to have to learn them in rehearsal. That seems really complicated. I can't join the calendar. Did you make it public?

Dude, get off my nuts. Okay, okay. Okay. You got to make it public. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with the boar-tusked guards manhandling BB into the apartment that apparently she shares with Pandy and Dandy and Mr. Bougalo. Yeah. Yeah.

They all live in a podcast of her's house. I guess, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I can't keep it any longer. While we were on break, I googled, because you said the budget was $5 million. It was actually $10 fucking million. $10 million budget in 1980. In today's dollars, and it's $40 million fucking dollars.

$40 million for this. Yeah. That's like a Avengers movie. That's like, I mean, that's a real movie. No, but. No, absolutely. It's like a scene in an Avengers movie. That's like getting up there, though.

Like, there are superheroes. movies with that budget, right? That is a huge fucking budget for a musical in 1980. That's like the last decade of A24 films. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. It's crazy. And then you said, I didn't see where he said what it made.

$521. But to be fair, though, that's, you know, a couple thousand dollars in today. Two grand. That's a lot of, like, I would have taken the under, right? Oh, my God. It's so, but this movie, I just watched again the dance scene. Again, while we're on break, I watched the dance scene again. I love this movie.

I fucking love this movie. Oh, yeah. It's incredible. Couldn't recommend it on it. It's like this movie and the fucking Lisa mattress, right? Like, it's just, we're really selling some shit today. We're ready. We're really here to tell you.

Hey, we also have Lisa mattress, so fuck you. Never mind. No, no. Use our promo. Dips. No. You got nine patrons. Delete one of theirs and join us.

Matrion. So, okay. So, okay. So, give Lydia a pill. Matrion. But now we have the bit where like, B.B. looks out the window and sings about how she misses Alfie.

It's the illusion of Newton John song. Lydia had the funniest joke at this moment that is a perfect Lydia. She goes, ooh, audition song. Oh yeah. It's like such a normal Lydia thing. Like she'll say that from time to time if there's a good, you know, whatever.

But this song is so fucking terrible. That one got me. Like Lydia's, you know, she'll once a month. She'll have one that I'm just like, Jesus Christ, that was fucking great. I wish someone could that. Oh, so good. I was laughing for like 10 minutes. So yeah, so she's singing about him. And then, of course, we cut to him and he's singing about her. And then it starts pouring down rain because otherwise they'd have missed a cliche. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, so he stumbles this

way through the rain to sing his side of the duet. And then we get his landlady waking him up. Yeah, nursing him back to health. Yeah. Right. And at this point, we're just like, wait, is that his girlfriend or is that his landlady? You see? We're, Where are we going with this exactly? Yeah, I mean, look, he did grab her. Maybe she liked it more than we observed, and that's sort of, that was the initiator for that. Look, Bim took over the world at some point in the miscenees.

Maybe they began a relationship to. Off camera, yeah. Right, right. Well, maybe that was just my brain trying to rationalize the tit grabbing. It was like, maybe they're in a loving and consensual committed. No, I was going to say, that might have been her acting trying to rationalize. She's like, okay. He grabbed my.

my tits super I'm a good actor I guess I'll make this work I don't fucking know yeah right and then they have it's meaningless but she tries to feed him soup and he goes what's that she's like it's fucking soup you idiot like what else the hell it would be

it was like I almost feel like that wasn't a line in the movie and he just was confused about soup because it serves no right actor had never seen soup before it's a pill this is wet food what the fuck your cup is tiny I've seen some crazy cups.

It's a liquid, but you're feeding at me like, I don't know. No. No. Yeah, but so the landlady tells him that he needs to get out there and find BB. Like he just did. Yeah, he just tried to do that guy's outkick. Yeah, but not in a crowd setting, you know, one-on-one. Yeah, yeah, so then we go out for some very sedate clubbing, I guess.

I don't know, we cut to this room where like everything's red and everybody's just kind of half-ass dancing, Everyone's in drag. Yeah, everybody's in drag, but they're not really into this music, I guess. Well, yeah, the whole thing. So he tried to find her earlier, and we already covered that. Now he just, like, goes to where she lives and there's a party or something. Is that what it is? Yeah, and they just let him in.

Yeah. Okay. Why didn't you do that the first time? And I can't remember if it was on the break or if we said it while we were recording. Forgive me, I'm always podcasting. But someone said that they were going for a Rocky Horror thing here. Yeah, yeah. And this felt like, because, again, this is a very gay movie.

be. This scene where everyone's in drag felt like the only time straight people were involved. It's just a bunch of your dad's friends wearing dresses and lipstick being like that's true. Isn't it weird? And it also felt like we were supposed to be scared of them, right?

They were the corrupted influence on... This is what Ken Paxton sees every time he closes his eyes. And he likes it. But passed to pretend not. Here's what I think happened. I think you're right on it. I think they were like, all right, this scene is going to be crazy dream sequence because the dudes will be dressed as women,

the women will dress as dudes. And then they're like, wait, but we're already been doing that. Like, this is so gay, you won't be able to tell. They're like, shit. Right, yeah. Everybody who's a woman who's straight, call your husband. Yeah. Oh, interesting.

Call your dad. Yeah. And so they get a bunch of like hairy, like, just kind of husband-looking guys to be the women now. Sure. So that they can draw a contrast. Yeah. That's what happened.

So, and then we learned that those reporters that were being mean and looking into Mr. Bouglow's stuff are now bartenders at his parties. Joe Patton. That was a weird one. And I think I speak for on behalf of the press when they say this is also a future they would prefer to modernity.

They called it here. Because it's like you just intimidate or buy the press. Yeah, the billionaires bought the press. Yeah, actually yeah, he's a... They nailed it. They were a little early. 100% nailed it.

Don Lemon would be an amazing bartender. I'm sure he would love. That's actually brilliant. Because the only thing they didn't nail was that instead of buying them and making them do embarrassing stuff they just buy them and make them do propaganda or fire them like it's one of the other they really should if elon or bezos had the washington post reporter's bartending for him like honestly

are we that far away from that future like no honestly a much more morally stand by profession right rather than just like hey we found a transphobe to tell you how he thinks he's actually being eaten by the bears or something right if they were just like i don't really know how to make a grasshopper i'd be like fuck me neither man i five at least we're We're not promoting fashion and torturing children. Am I right? It's a living. It's always he lies lying.

I stole it from it. It's a living. So there's also a moment here. So he comes in and he's looking for BB and Pandy intercepts him. And she's like, she goes up to the bartender and she goes like, why don't you make him my special drink? Yeah. Yeah. If that happens to you guys, don't drink.

Don't drink it. And someone brings over ready right in that instant to nanny. specials or whatever their name is. Pandy specials that couldn't be more suspicious. So they do the pill trick on him and this is the me. Actually, this is us as a couple. I'm realizing. It's 100%.

And someone's like, hey, this will go bad if you don't drink it right now. And he just downs it instantly, which is what I would do. Well, it sure looks like Roofie the drink. Pure pressure versus distraction. It's not in the mini fridge with the label Ruffy on it. Like, okay, all right. I wasn't watching because the shows do it. And I got it's fine.

Just give me the roofie. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. I put it under my tongue and let it dissolve. You don't have to waste a big triangle drink. So, but this is where Mr. Bougalow shows up, right? And he says, Mr. Bougalow, I want you. He's all drugged out, right?

Because he's taking the LGBTQ kaleidoscope booze or whatever. Yeah. But Mr. Bougalow is there. He's like, I want you to release Bibi from her contract. And he looks up and he can see that Mr. Bougalow has one horn now. Lydia was so bothered by this. Why one? I think he lost the other one and they were like, hey, did the costume?

And he was like, the costume had. It's a choice. It's a choice. I wanted to be two. I wanted a one horn devil. Everybody does two horns. I'm not horned. I'm horny. Huh? And then we've caught this like, because he's all drugged up and he's going through and he keeps turning people around to see if they're BB.

And I'm like, look, you don't know who that is, but you know she's not a six foot two inch dude with curly hair. Black man. Yeah. You can narrow it down, Alfie. You don't know. Hollywood changes people. But then, so now, Pandy has to seduce him.

So she's going to sing her song, I'm coming for you. Oh, man. This is, boy, sex was dripping off of this thing. Fucking 1990s R&B artists would be like, you kind of want to let the innuendo settle a little bit. So apparently, like, the actor didn't want to sing this song. She was like super uncomfortable. with it and they had it, yeah, if you can imagine. I believe it.

There's also, I love, there's a moment here where she's got to like take his jacket off, but it like, it clearly gets stuck on their wrist a little bit and she has to tug it to goddamn fucking many times for it to be sexy anymore. Yeah, there's probably some triangular thing that caught on shit. Yeah, right, right. Let me give you some sex advice podcast listener. Because now that we're in a visual medium, you can see that I am in fact a sex machine. Never let anyone else undress you because it turns into toddler.

This fast. Yes, it does. Unless you're into that. Oh, especially post kids. If you ever go to address someone, you go into that brain of like, okay, hold still. I'm ready when my body is ready. So yeah, but she sings, I'm coming, I'm coming. Oh, God, I'm coming for you or whatever.

So don't add this to the sex playlist is what you guys are saying. This is on my sex playlist. The choreography of the sex is brilliant. That is so fucking good, right? That is this choreographer at his absolute best. In the background, there's, like, a dozen different beds, and we see all these people doing, like, sort of choreographed sex stuff. They're doing, like, these, like, back and forth things.

It's so good. It's actually good. This is reminiscent of a production of Pippin I did. Oh, that's why I brought up Pippin earlier. I didn't know about this. Yes. It happened. You need to tell me about this.

And it was the dance break from. Yeah, yeah, college. Dance break up with you. And, yeah, and there were, like, these sexy moments. And so this was very familiar to me. I was like, I get this. Yeah. I don't know if there's video.

But not for free. It's Matrion, guys. If we've, Lydia, send us and then we'll put them in the Matriot. Yes, there you go. There you go. So everybody's in like these metallic diapers and everything and they're dancing around all sexy behind them. And again, it's one of these things where you're just like, oh, wow, imagine if they had

real good dancers for this, right? Because it's, again, the vision of the choreographer is there and it's brilliant. It's really good. But everybody sucks and they're not at all time. But also the song just sucks so much dick. Oh, it's so bad. Imagine being that choreographer, man. Like, it's just, oh, hopefully he got paid fucking $2 million.

I don't know. A lot of the money. But yeah, but so they sing their song, Pandy seduces him, I guess. He walks away from her afterwards all sticky dicked. Date rapes him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right, right.

More sexual assault in the movie. It was the 80s. Yeah. We just gloss over that. Men didn't get raped until like 2010. relax. Yeah, yeah, no, she roofies him and rapes him. And then he wanders away looking for BB.

He crashes through a random door. It has BB in it. Yeah. Yes. It's very weird. And he, like, knew it somehow. And the room is green. It's green.

It's a green room. I don't know. There's a, yeah, weird. Obviously. It's actually a metaphor for freedom. But she's busy fucking dandy and she doesn't recognize him or whatever and tells him to go away. And this scene has never.

You know, it's also never explained or cared about or anyone. No one cares that this happened, the rape scene. Like, nobody cares. No, they glossed right over. No, no effect on any. No, until 2010, I told you. That Randy or whatever, it's Randy, Pandy. Oh, my God.

Slandy, whatever she is. She has been, like, converted to goodness by his penis. Penis. Oh, interesting. Yeah, that's what happened. Actually came. It's Adam's penis. The purity.

Okay. Well, they say, they used to think that original citizens. lived in the balls. So maybe original Unsin lives in his ball. Exactly. He's the reverse. It is interesting that there is an actual rape in this movie and we were all like, yeah, but when he grabbed Professor Sprout's tits? I really stuck with us. No,

that's still worse. That's still worse. Especially because like that, this was clearly part of the movie. That was, I don't know what that was. You think he improvised that? I don't think he improvised it, but there's no conceivable reason for it. Like this is like, okay, you're doing a movie thing. where he got drugged up. Seduction thing. Yeah.

I'm still scarred by that fucking scene. And also, the other thing is, is that, like, at the end of this Alfie, the guy who played Alfie didn't get seduced, right? Like,

the chick actually got her tits grabbed for no goddamn reason. Oh, yeah. That really happened. We don't know that. Pandy could have really fucked that actor. Well, it's entirely possible.

So, okay, so then just out of fucking nowhere. It's a different movie. It totally different fucking movie. We're in Lord of the Rings. Yep. And Gandalf wakes him up.

Yes, Gandalf wakes him up in a home. And he's in a fucking park. Yeah, he's like sleeping in the woods. We've seen him in a fucking apartment. But no, he's sleeping in the fucking park. There's kids chanting at him for, I guess he was crying out for BB in his sleep. And what I love, okay, this is where this broke my heart. Because in 1979, when they made this, they thought, okay, here's what it is.

It's hippies who are refugees from the rest of the world. And what sucks so hard. is that in reality, the hippies turned into fucking boomers and ruined the world. They're the ones who did the ruining. But in this poor movie thinks in 1994 there's going to be a whole bunch of old people who are super cool and like, man, what happened? And it's like, no, they're just, they all went directly against what they stood for. Yeah. But have you had your taxes raised to?

Yeah, exactly. Right. Yeah. So, but there's this one moment here, too, that just blows me away. So they pan over all of these hippies, right? They take him to the secret hippie refuge spot. And there's this guy at one point who's holding a baby. I put a picture of this in the fucking nose.

He's holding a baby in his hand while he smokes a joint. And he goes to pass the joint off to the next guy and just blows pot smoke all in his fucking baby's face. It is the most, like, again, right? Like, you know, it's really hard to decide what's the most uncomfortable part of this fucking movie. But I think blowing smoke in a baby's face is probably it for me. And you say that as someone who is 70 percent. Smoke. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. At any given time. If you haven't seen, no, he actually, he doesn't walk. He like, shh. I lost. Yeah, floats around. And even he was offended. He's like, guys, this is not cool.

It's a baby. This is wrong. I've seen some Matrix S. Smokescaping from the Lusions is to not blow it at my son. They become airbenders in their smoke clouds. Yeah. Yeah. Twist around him.

So, meanwhile, at the Bim house, Shake shows up. He was the flamboyantly. gay henchman of Mr. Bougolo. And he's wearing the least dick covering of anyone in the movie. Right? This is Eli Bosnick would go, I don't know, I feel a little uncomfortable in this. I've worn condoms that cover more of me than this outfit does. That's such a funny joke.

I would never wear a condombs. Condoms, they feel weird. You're fine. But BB comes out She's like I don't know about this I had a dream that Alfie was here last night And Pandy is like No he was I'm a good guy

Now that I raped your boyfriend You should go to Alfie Yeah It's also so that last night was supposed to be Like a big sexy orgy And this scene is happening over post-orgy breakfast And I've been at post-orgy breakfasts And can I say they are this awkward

Yeah that seems about right You didn't bring clothes to wear the next morning. So you're still in an orgy outfit and you're like, is everyone sharing an Uber? Like, how are we fucking... It's going to be a weird Uber guys. And then there's also the one guy who's still confidently wearing the thong.

He's like fine with it. Right. He thinks he's going to turn it into a sex brunch. You're like, relax, Craig. It's Tuesday now. It's Tuesday. I have work. Get off me.

So, okay. So meanwhile, back at the park full of hippies, the cops show up to bust them. Why? No idea. Yeah, I just, and there's this great moment. Like, everybody in the park gets up and runs away. Except Alfie, who just keeps sitting there like, why are you guys all running away? And you're like, are they going to get them?

Yeah, they leave unattended campfire. Was it triggering for you, Eli, as like a recent victim of a fire? Yes. It was. You're like, it better not be mattresses around. Yeah, I needed Jerseyites to come and spend six days trying to put them out. Yeah. Somehow, like make it bigger.

Yeah. But it's so weird. Quick, throw our economy onto it. You're thinking, oh, did they know he was there? And then everyone leaves but him, but then also nothing happens. You're like, what the, was that a random? Right. The cops were just like, hey, man, why did you fucking run away when everybody ran away?

It's crazy. Do you not understand cheese at the cops. You run away and we are the cops. You kind of deserve what you get. Why would we have the sirens running if we actually wanted to bust you? Also, did you see our shields are bib marks now? That is also confusing. It doesn't really make a lot of sense because they're not function.

They're less functional as triangles. It's really kind of dumb. We have big spots here now where you can get it. Also, am I allowed to just carry this and not wear the sticker? Oh, that's interesting. Can I put the sticker on the shields if I do that? That counts. Double.

But then these intimidating cops have been walking around harassing everybody the whole time for not wearing the big. been marked. They seem there in like, parks closed before 7 a.m. And I'm like, well, oh, that's reasonable, though. You have to have some rules about when you can and can't use municipal property. Also, did you guys just light fires

wherever you felt like that? You're going to burn up like a third of Australia. So, Pandy now is, she's back at the house, trying to sneak past the guards. She gets by one of them. But then the other guy who is now shirtless and wrapped in chains,

one of the guys with the boartasks? Oh, very leather daddy. Full BDSM gear. I feel like it's weird if the bodyguards are also participating in the orgies. Thank you. It's a cross of a work fun boundary. Well, but you do want them dressed appropriately. Otherwise they stand out and it looks weird.

Good point. But that's a good thing about bondage gear. You could combine that. You could be dressed to theme, but it's functional as well. You actually have. And you sub in very specific ways, right? because you're actually just serving. So if you need security at your orgy,

talk to Thomas. He's got ideas. Thomas Smith, take this pill. I commit. So, but shake tells the guards to let her go because there's not much movie left. So she leaves. Yeah.

And then shake smacks the shit out of Pandy. Yeah. That was interesting. Yeah. And then she sings a sad song about being Pandy. That's a good song. And how hard that is. That's another audition song.

Yeah. A big audition song. She didn't want to do the anatomical description of sex song, but they were like, but girl, your ballad is coming up. And no one is going to remember the sex. Literally there are worst things I could do. Like if you were so in Greece. That's what this number is perfection.

I was saying this is epine in my notes. I call it her epine moment. Yeah. Okay. There you go. I know what that means. We're doing Leibis next week. No illusions.

Yes. We steal the podcast Perfect There's also this moment Where she's like He's like She's supposed to be the biggest Celebrity in the fucking country

But nobody on the train Recognizes her Or whatever Eventually though She makes it to the Jewish landlady Right Yep grabs her boobs

Yeah right It's old time sake Yeah Alfi told me this was really working She goes She goes I hear he was hanging out Under the bridge

With her She says I feel like I hear he was hanging out under the bridge with all those hippies that are out there. I'm like, how could you have possibly heard that by now? Okay, I'll go to the bridge. The bridge that tells you just got the one bridge. I wanted to be at the wrong fucking bridge for the rest of the movie.

Oh, the rail bridge. Shit. And Dumbledore's there instead of Gandal. Yeah, right. I'm also gay. Oh, fun fact about that. I was reading when I was reading about Professor Sprout, she said about her filming, for one,

she had a quote that everybody killed her over, which was like, hey, it's been 25 years. I don't think people should be over these books or whatever. And then the other thing was she was like, yeah, I had an okay time. Hated that guy who died. That guy fucking sucked. So Richard Harris.

Yeah, she was like, did not like that guy. Did not have a good time with him. Yeah, I believe it. Speaking of Dumbledore, anyway, sorry. Did you put your name of the goblet of fire? So she gets to the park under the bridge or whatever, and the homeless Shakespearean hippie guy. finds her, right?

He says, oh, take your luggage. And she's like, oh, okay, person I've never met, have my belongings. Translucent suitcase. Which is like, I'm not going to sign up for that. I wish there was like a big vibrate in there or something. You're just like whatever the most embarrassing luggage.

Remember when the embarrassing stuff in our luggage was sex stuff and not the creams and ointment. Right, yeah. 90% of my life at this point is just like, Eli's butt cream for pooping yourself. I had a time where it was like Coke and dildos

and now it's like, do you keep shitting in your own mouth? No. It's Dr. Hasbounds. Stop shitting, moister. It's big and green and looks exactly like what it is.

At least make the tube looks different than why not it looks like a shit? Like, you go to the moisturizers. They're all identical bottles. But fucking preparation age comes in a fucking ornate fos. Shaped like my butthole specifically.

Oh, Morgan, I did tell him about to trying to go quicker. All right. So then, so he takes her to the homeless cave where all the homeless people live. Right? And she's like, oh, this seems like an awful place to live. He goes, we're all hippies. We don't. Yeah.

Right? Do you want to be here or not, how she gets rescued at the end of the movie? She's like, ooh, oh, no. Yeah, I don't like this goat. I'm going to go back to Bim. Yeah, right. Right.

But then the hippie guy goes, well, you know, these people don't like television, as though that would be the worst part about living in a cave, right? Other than the television, these people don't like having toilets. Yeah, I guess. These people don't like television. It was so funny.

Like, that's the thing that you pick out. It's a moral panic of the day. It was, yeah. Right. So, and then she says, you know, is Alpha here? He says, yes, he's down in the bachelor's quarters. And I'm like, big fucking cave. Yeah.

Jesus. Did you see that ass? Oh, boy. He just drinks whatever you hand him. It's free. Yeah. And, of course, the hippie has a song at this point, too, right? So he starts singing.

And his song, I guess we do a time jump in the middle of, his song, so he's been singing this song for like a couple years now? This guy's got this incredible deep bass voice. Imagine being so bad at songwriting that you can't use that effectively. I was like, oh, we're going to hear this guy saying, and he's like, oh, that sucks. This was always the part that like the orchestra teacher would get cast as, right? Like, be a high school musical, but then for some reason, the orchestra teacher's

husband would show up and the day of and be like, hello, coming. You'd be like, ah. I don't know how process this. So yeah, but they're still singing this song now And all the hippies are hanging out in the park And apparently like years have passed Alfie has a beard now

Bebe has a kid now Yes And then the song abruptly ends as we hear The sound of all of the cops, I guess Beating their shields with their clubs Yeah And they but you can't see them anywhere It's like why is that part of it?

Okay Right, right But the thing is that the shields are this cheap crowd part of a song they could have made it right absolutely why the fuck would you not have this is the rhythm to a song and it lasts a little too long so you're like the and the people about to get arrested are like all right fucking come on what is all right okay okay okay you're here you're here this hill was a little higher that we thought so but they show up mr bugolo and shake show up at the head of the army or whatever mr bugleow is dressed as a gay vampire shake is dressed as an even gay or co-beye or Cobra redundant. Yeah, he's been that the whole time. What are you talking about?

No, that's fair. I can't wait to talk about how this movie ends in the weirdest fucking way. Do you think there are any straight Cobra's? That's got to be tough for them, right? Yeah, no, that's true. What's going on? I'm a Cobra. It's what straight people sound like.

So, but they're there to arrest Bibi, right? Bibi owes him $10 million. The budget for the movie. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Boy, she doesn't she, though, yeah. Yeah, but they're all under arrest, apparently,

because she doesn't have $10 million for them. Yeah, so take all the hippies. And just as you're thinking, well, there's no way in hell this movie could possibly have a satisfying ending with only five minutes remaining. Alfie turns to her and says, don't worry, I know that Mr.

Topps is coming. Who the fuck is that? What? What the hell are you even talking about? Who or what? Is that? How do you know that? What does that mean? Most insane day's next Machina.

It's Donald Trump in a white tuxedo. Yeah. Stepping out of a golden flying Bentley. Fucking flying Rolls Royce in the sky. Boy, it is Donald Trump. Jesus Christ. Yeah, right, right. So, yeah, so he steps out and he's standing before him.

And Bugolo says, Sergeant arrest that man, but he can't because that's Space Jesus. Yeah. Jazzy hippie space Jesus makes. and paralyzed. He's there for Alfie and Beebe because they're the good guys. Where did he come from? Why do they know about him? What is this? It's never been introduced. They could have had him be like the rival

record producer this whole time or something. Right, something. Okay. So here's the thing. Originally the movie had a big song at the opening where Mr. Topps shows up and creates the world and all the animals and they were like puppets and costumes

and all kind of shit. Oh, wow. But it was a fucking disaster because they didn't have enough room to do all of the camera movements that they wanted to do and all the dances and shit. So everybody's tripping over everybody and falling over.

They get angry at each other and it's visible on camera. Oh my God. I want that. Is that footage again somewhere? I don't know. I don't know. I read about it,

but I wasn't able to find it in time for the record. But apparently, yeah, that was just a goddamn disaster and so they scrapped it from... Imagine how bad it had to be that it didn't make this movie. Into this movie.

where they were like, well, that just looks unprofessional. To that I say, okay, Noah, I see that explanation. Did I say, how would that make this make sense? Well, that's, yeah, right. Why does he know about him? Why does he know about him? Why doesn't he mention until this very moment, the end of the movie, when he goes, don't worry, this guy you've never heard of will come.

What? And he does. And it's the fucking rapture and all the hippies walk into the sky together. Yeah. So weird. Yeah. And Mr. Bougaloo, as they're leaving. goes, where are you going? He's going, I'm going to take them to a world. A world without

you. And I wrote, oh, he's going to try a world without Jewish music producers. Just like Kanye. Cut. It's good. He's like, another planet. He's like, maybe just wherever the fuck you aren't. I don't know. Well, you go left. I'm going to go fucking right. And I thought I wasn't sure if they're going to go for some interesting metaphysical, like, you know, lost type whatever. Yeah, evil can't. It won't work without me. And he's like, well, I'm going to make it fucking work without. I'm going to try.

I'm omnipid. What are you? Why is to do that first? Why do this part? It's the thing. I was building the moment. All right. Well, Thomas, Lydia,

normally this is where I would thank our guests for joining us, but I really feel like you guys should be thanking us. So you are welcome for joining us. Maybe this week you take your pill. We're going to go to matrion.com and we're going to give you the check that way. Oh, there you go. And of course, if you want to hear more from Thomas and Lydia,

be sure to check out where there's woke. and if you want to hear more from Thomas, but not so much, Lydia, be sure to check out serious inquiries only and opening arguments, all of which we're going to have link in the show notes. And in all seriousness, guys, thanks a ton for hanging out. It's always such a blast having you guys on. Thank you. This was, oh, man, this is the best.

Apologize for being physically attractive and still podcaster. Hey, you first. It took me two hours to realize you were insulting me. And, well, that's going to do it for our first. review of the entire decade of the 70s, I guess. I'm going to do it for the episode just yet. We still need to fill our gas tanks again next week, so Eli, tell us what's

on deck? A car wreck gives Pete amnesia. He becomes an evangelist with a preacher's help. His new success leads his ex and her boyfriend to blackmail him over missing money. As his memory returns, Pete believes that he killed the other driver. We'll be

watching the Seventh Commandment. Whatever you said was going to be a letdown after this, I I can't imagine it being more of a letdown, but yeah, whatever. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 558 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to leading to Liddy Ann Thomas, and a reminder, check the show notes to hear more from them. And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at a ad-reference to www.

I'll find there by your own every version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure check out our siblings shows the scaling athia, citation date, D&D, minus, and the scavergaret are available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinema suggestions, you get about god off and movies at gmail.com. Tim Roberts and Dick's care of our social media. Our theme song was written to perform by Ryan Slotty of the Bufel of Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chuck your life this week for Heath and Eli, Posting.

I'm no losers promise to work harder earned another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. And Lydia and Thomas would go on to watch this movie right after this recording again. Because it fucking ruled. Fuck, yeah. Bebebe would go on to play the girlfriend in the love. The last Starfighter is where I know her from. Alfie took that dump truck of an ass with him and provided for his family.

We're not going to ask how, but he did. Wait, and I also have a second one because this is true life. This is real life, you guys. The actor who played Dandy went on to open a seafood restaurant that ended up getting an intervention by Gordon Ramsey on Kitchen Nightmares. Wow. Really? Yeah. And he opened a seafood restaurant because he didn't like fish.

And so I think he was trying to confront that, which is very interesting. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.