God Awful Movies - 559: The 7th Commandment

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

This week, Amanda Stern joins us for an atheist review of The Seventh Commandment; a story of what noir looks like when Christians try to do it without being so edgy.---Find more from Amanda here: https://www.amandajanestern.com/podcasts.html---If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

So anyway, Ted has this little heart attack. It seems like Reverend Noah would, you know, magically heal him with the God powers. No, no, no one doesn't have the magical blood powers. It's just Ted tab. Oh, it's only Ted, yeah, no. It's Teddy baby who has the magical healing powers. With drunk. I'm such an idiot.

Embarrassing me in front of this. This is why no one's going to watch the shows when Noah's dead. Try and induct Amanda. She's going to say no. She's going to be like, no, it's with stupid questions. Eat, no way. You're blowing us. God-awful movie.

Movie. Welcome back to God-Affle movies. We watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host Heathenright, and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnick. Eli, how's going? Hello, Heath-Henwright. Bully. Bully, indeed.

No back-talking ladies on this week's episode. I'll tell you what right now. Yeah. Okay, Gloria Swanson. There we go. There we go. We won't have any. But there was some sass. Perfect.

We also have, speaking of which, a god-awful movies veteran, Amanda Stern from Murder Made Fiction, pleasers and Punishers, and Don't Be Crazy, Amanda. Thanks to join us again. I'm glad to be back here. And you know what? We're doing a movie in a genre that I know so well and love dearly. Not this movie, but the genre. You've gotten to be a femme fatale, which is very exciting.

That is exciting. I, wait, have you seen my movie? Of course I've seen your movie. I didn't know. Nice. I'm so excited. Yes. This is the first, we've never interviewed a Christian movie actor.

And here you are to tell us about the femme fatale lived experience as we talk about. And I dressed in theme. I am wearing a very. You are very femme fatale. Yes. We actually showed up to the record wearing the same thing. We said one of us has to change. Yes.

And Eli. We decided it was me. Yeah. Yeah. He took the hit. It was. was a booboth, honestly. I guess that genre is Christian noir femme fatale kind of thing.

I mean, my movie is not Christian, but yeah, this is, this is definitely an attempt at noir. And, okay, I will say a lot of Christian or Catholic ideas seep into a lot of noir because of the reading system that was in place. Oh, for sure. But most of the classic noir is not so pro that. It's very much trying to skirt the lines. Anything by Billy Wilder is really, you know, summing it in the nose of the Hays Code. Where is this one?

Fully embracing it. This one's like trying to remind the Hays Code that it gave us homework. Yeah, it's not great. Well, I think actually, here's the thing. This is 1960. The Hays Code was weakening at this point because of Billy Wilder in 1958, with some like it hot. So this movie is almost like in response to that saying,

no, no, no, he has come back to me. Okay. So this was important in the canon of the genre. So speaking of which, Amanda, tell us what specifically Christian noir-wise are we going to be breaking down today? We watched the Seventh Commandment. It's the story of a down-on-her-luck, really sexy lady who just can't catch a break. After getting screwed over by her boyfriend who becomes a pastor,

she tries to turn her life around only for God to give her the ultimate fuck you and kill her. Who doesn't love punishing women just for the crime of being hot? Yes. The crime of being hot? The crime of being abused? The crime of being in a car crash? It's a hell of a movie. Very Christian.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you. love the schlocktastic femme fatals from the 50s and 60s, and we do. But you wish they were just not at all to blame for the things that happened to them in their film. You will love this movie. What's amazing is that this is like all the villain husbands from a lifetime movie got together to make a movie, right?

They were like, I don't understand what she does want to go back to her hometown and marry a guy who runs a hot chocolate restaurant. This makes no sense to me. Also, small note, Eli has spelled femme fatal as fetal. Fetal. And that is a way different type of character than the one you were going for. But too brave for this podcast, apparently. And this movie.

Yeah, they should have done something with it. It does say Fem Fetles. Oh, my God. Yeah, sure does. Well, hello there. There it is. I have a fetus puppet around here somewhere. He actually does.

What do I have if not a fetus monkey? All right. Why did we go to video if not to use the fetus puppet? We'll work it in. We'll work it in. So is there anything you all would like to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go with best worst orgasm face as you strangle someone to death. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fucking yikes. That's a thing that happens in the movie. Yeah. It's disturbing. It's very upsetting.

We'll get to it. It was just, I was watching. And I go, oh, okay, then. So we're going to, you're going to zoom in on the face. His, okay. His eyes are really rolling back there. Yeah. We'll talk about it.

But not only is he strangling someone, but he's strangling someone as they get lowered, which really lends a sexual connotation to the moment. It does. I don't think the movie was going for. Nobody enjoyed that. I was going to go with best worst, kind of best, best, bad guy with no, object permanence. One bad guy, there's going to be

a plot. There's going to be an evil plot and one of the two people in the evil plot just keeps forgetting how the fucking plot works. I'm home at my house where I live. What are you doing here? What's happening? Pete, why are you still here? Poor Pete. Look, we're all victims of this movie

but Pete is a victim of Pete. I think we can agree. Yeah. But bad guy with no object permanence who forgets the evil plot. is very funny. It is very funny. It is very funny. I think maybe they forgot that he's not the character with amnesia. Yep. Yeah. They had amnesia and they forgot about the other amnesia. They forgot about the amnesia on amnesia. Yeah. So it makes sense. I'm going to go with best, worst misery, right? So about halfway through this movie, our now reformed sinner who is a preacher and miracle healer, pin in that, gets trapped into the wily ways, into the web of a femme fetus.

Right. And then and then he fucks her a bunch but not without being mopey about it. So like look, I've seen a bunch of noir films and the getting trapped into the web

of the femme fatale is a pretty classic moment except they're not also being like I mean yeah, well fuck if you won't fuck I guess what I'm not having. The snit vibes don't fit into the noir thing very well. He's just so boring.

We might as well watch this couple be it like a shitty brunch with their friends who are in a healthy relationship and you should I just I wanted to take her out of this movie and give her something better to work with yes yeah she deserved it her entire wardrobe her voice yes she deserved better all around yes yes the amount of times I wrote justice for Terry yes yeah well she will not get justice we're going to take a quick break And then we'll be back to tell you all about the justice she will not be getting in the Seventh Commandment. All right, everyone, I call to order this first writer's room meeting of the Seventh Commandment. All right, bully.

Thank you, wow. And can I say at the outset, Lynn, we are so grateful that you are playing a dangerous femme fatale. Of course. So I'm thinking this is a story of a simple guy named Ted. He takes his girl for a drive when they get in a crash. Old Teddy thinks he killed a fellow, so he leaves her there in the car wreck and starts his life as a preacher. Ah, poor Teddy. Wait, what?

Oh, and my friend's boy, is he a swell preacher? Bringing people to the Lord and healing the sick. Sorry, did you say he abandoned his girlfriend at the site of a car accident? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did. In the meanwhile... He's going to interrupt. Thank you. Yeah, that no good rotten dame of his has gone to jail for the accident.

And boy, as she sore about it, she's a... boozer and a user with a tough name Pete. And when they learn that Ted is alive, they want to squeeze him for his hard-earned money. Because he sent her to prison for a crime he committed. Exactly. A lousy thing to do. Awful of her.

No, not what I'm saying. So she traps him into coming to her house and making whoopee with her a bunch of times until at last in a quest for freedom, he tries to murder her. So she murders him. No, no. No, no, he murders her.

So the good guy in the movie Abandones his girlfriend at the scene of an accident he caused, lets her go to prisons for him. Yeah. And then murders her when there are consequences? Yes. And my character. Is it a real stinker about that?

Got it. 60s. Bad, huh? Real bad. Yeah. Everything's bad. I don't know. Not for us, though.

Ha ha. And we're back. And we're going to start the movie with a cold open on a very important character. That would be very loud hissing. Very loud audio hiss. One might say the star of the movie. Yeah. Up there, up there.

And then we pan over a sign that says Radburn Extension College, night classes for adults. And we're listening to a graduation speech. Did this speech sound like it was really? written by a wannabe, Dr. Seuss to anybody. Yes. It is all rhyming. It felt like someone read all the places you'll go before they walked out and they were like, come on, Terry, you can steal this shit.

How hard can it be? The places you'll go and stuff. I don't know. I have never heard a graduation speech that's just rhyming. Yeah. It had Pete Hegseth vibes. Like he was giving a night school graduation. Big Pete Hegseth rides.

Yeah. It was comforting to know that from the 1960s until two weeks. weeks ago when I went to a graduation ceremony. Not only have graduation speeches not changed at all, they are equally boring across 40 years of history. Guaranteed. Yes. So we hear a little bit of this terrible speech and then we see another main character, Terry, pull up in her car and she is going to be our femme fetals, femme fatal. Yes. And we really spend our time going up and down her legs so much so that the cameraman is not particularly gifted and kind of gets stuck on her legs for a second, right?

We do like a wah, wah, wow, ah, fuck, hit my dick on the door handle. Guys, can I make the augur noise? Fuck. Yeah, exactly. This woman is also so much hotter than all the men in it. Oh, the senior citizens home

that she shares the movie with? Yes. Everyone in this movie, it's like a George Clooney movie without the benefit of the doubt, right? Everyone in this movie, except for her, is 90, and looks like the live action version of droopy dog.

I also couldn't tell if it's that she was a good actor or everyone else was just so bad. Yeah, maybe both. Could be both. Yeah. Like she had real line delivery and then you have Ted who is sleeping through the whole movie. And don't even get me started on Pete. Yeah. Yeah. Ted was the guy giving the address.

And we see the graduates walk outside. We see Ted and he's with his buddy Charlie from. night school. And he's like, hey, Charlie, meet Terry. And he says exact words, the epitome of Pulcratudinous charm, which was strange. That's a, that's not how you introduce. Crazy way to say it. No, it's a weird thing. You don't just walk around throwing out the word pulcratudanus. No, I don't think so. Yeah, I think that was the movie's way of trying to, like, say like, he's a real smart fella. He knows what punkratutinus means. But I wanted Charlie to be like, Sorry, is this your girlfriend?

That's the craziest way to introduce someone I've ever heard. Are you okay? What was that word you said? We went to night school, man. Why are you with this guy? I know normal amounts of smart people and they don't use that word. Are you okay? Right.

So this is just where we get some characterization of Terry as the seductress. So we watch her flirt with Charlie for a little bit. And then Charlie finally leaves and she flirts with Ted. and they're going to, their boyfriend and girlfriend, I guess, and they're going to go to the spot. They're headed out to make out point. To celebrate. And what's amazing is that she's a femme fatale and he's an idiot.

So she'll make an innuendo. She'll be like, what say you and I find somewhere more private? And he's like, so we can fuck with our genitals. And she's like, yep, here's the thing. That's what I was inferring. About a noir. The man who gets suckered in by the femme fatale, yes, is a sucker. But he's not supposed to be this stupid.

Yeah. He needs to have some charm. Yeah, there was a capacity worry at a certain point at this point in the movie. I was like, are we, is this like a prequel to I Am Sam? I don't feel comfortable with it. Yeah. Yeah, this guy is just, I don't know if I go that far. You don't think so?

I think, yeah, it feels weird at times. I think he's giving like, have you seen rope? Obviously. Obviously, yes, apparently. He's giving the rope from rope. No. He's giving kind of, he watched rope and is trying to do Jimmy Stewart's performance, and that's the least sexual performance that's ever performed.

So he's giving just like, I have never heard of this sex thing. What does she try and to convince me to do? Right. He's saying she's going to show me a vagina when we get there. It's like he's just, he has no concept. what's going on in the scene? He's just like, I use big words. Yeah.

Right, right? We're going to go celebrate and I'm going to use big words. And she's like, no, I'd like to see other big things. I graduated cum laude from night school. She's like, yeah. Come. Come loud. Yeah.

Yeah. So they go to the spot and then we get the opening credits. The music is confusing here. The music's pretty sure there's like a battle of five armies just outside the frame. 100% yeah. And we see them driving to the spot. Driving and smooching. Of course.

Yeah, of course. She distracts him with evil lady kissing and they crash. Do you think that they used kissing because they couldn't show her giving him Brodehead? Oh, 100%. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, the remake of this film, it's Roadhead all the way.

Absolutely. Yeah. But then his dick is bitten off for the rest of the movie. You got to think ahead. That's a real. In the credits, there's an actor named John Carpenter. Really? It is not the John Carpenter.

No, I don't think of it. I didn't think so. I checked IMDB and this actor is actually Johnny Carpenter. Yeah. Okay. But I had to go check. Okay. You got to check.

You never know. John Carpenter. Not the John Carpenter. You know what I've really based the thing on is this noir film I was in. So, yeah, they crash. Ted wakes up from the crash. Terry kind of wakes up. And Ted goes to check the other car that they ran into. And he sees that the guy is dead in the front seat. Yeah. And then we see Ted get hit with blurry rays of amnesia. That's how it works. He has amnesia. That is how amnesia works. So this actor was given the challenge of and you are so traumatized by the fact that you've killed a man that you get amnesia and won. wander away. And the choice he goes with for that was like, and we watched that for way too long. Now,

I want to be very clear for those of you at home, because this is the, I was confused for the rest of the movie because, yes, he crashes the car. Yes, he leaves the scene of that crime, including his girlfriend, unconscious and wanders off to start a new life. He is, still the protagonist of the movie. I kept waiting for anyone in this movie to acknowledge that he's the bad guy, they never will. No, he's protagonist as in definitely good guy, not just main character, but like, good guy. They're sure of it.

Yeah, no, the movie thinks that this is a really stand-up guy. Yeah. Ted, he gets the amnesia. He walks over to Terry in the car and he's like, hey, you, wake up. Who are you? And that's it. He's like, well, I tried. And he walks away.

She didn't wake up. I'm good to go. I'm not here to interrupt people's car naps. Yeah. So from there, Ted just walks into the woods near the crash, I guess. Takes a little nap. Then we cut to him waking up. It's the next morning now. And he sees a traveling preacher's truck. And it says, Noah's Ark, Noah Turnbull Revivalist on the side of the truck.

Well, you know, Noah's not on this episode with us. So we had to have another Noah takes place. We had to fill in the Noah position. Exactly. I'm sure he loves that. And we got this Noah with a really, really interesting moral compass. Yeah. I'm sure Noah loves that it's Reverend Noah the revival is jumping in for his name. Yeah. So Reverend Noah sees Ted and he offers him some coffee. And then we see Ted not being able to remember his own name or where he's from.

And the dialogue mixing in this specific scene, because obviously it's 80 yard because it was outdoors. they couldn't get the sound recording it while they were filming. It is so not matched up. No, not even close. No, it's giving Godzilla film in terms of a sync. Yeah. The sink is so off. Yeah, the audio has like five seconds of amnesia delay or something.

Yeah, this is also the most baffling scene in the movie. So I want to explain what happens. Noah sets him down. Okay, the name guessing? Okay, thank you so much. It's fucking, there's no, we will never convey to you podcast listener, how long this goes. So he sits him down and he's like, what's your name?

And he's like, I don't remember. And I'm like, okay, standard movie fair. And then he's like, what, you got a TM on your watch there? And he's like, does that help? And he's like, Terry, Tom. What are you doing? What? Timothy.

It's not Terry or Tom, I don't think. Is this how amnesia works? How would I even guess? Like, if you guess it right, would I know? Exactly. It doesn't reverse your amnesia. You watch. as one character, he guesses like the ninth name

and he's like, yep, that's it. That's my name. Don't wear it out. Whatever makes you stop just saying names at me. And then he moves on to the last name. And even wider pool. Yeah. Martin. Miller.

How much. It's so long. Matthews. Yeah. But he decides his name's definitely Tad somehow with amnesia. He's like, yeah, it's Tad Morgan. It's actually Ted Matthews. That's the TM there.

And then all of a sudden, Reverend Noah's friend, I guess, Mike, the roadie from the revival tent thing, Mike jumps out of the truck and he's mad about his roadie job. And Reverend Noah can't pay him his tiny little wage. So Mike becomes a little bit violent. He grabs Reverend Noah. And then Ted just goes straight to attacking Mike. He throws hot coffee in Mike's face and grabs a big stick and Mike runs away. And then he goes, kill, kill. Yes.

Oh, okay. So now we're in like spider baby here. Okay. He turns instantly homicidal. And again, I had to re like think about what this scene was supposed to mean because what's supposed to happen to the movie viewers were supposed to be like, wow, this Tad Martin's a stand up guy. he goes to murder someone when they ask for the money there owed. What a swell fella. But that's supposed to be a good thing.

We're supposed to be like, yeah, no. Hot liquid in the eyes. He's defending the reverend who does not pay. Sure. Turns to the other people on that plane in Pennsylvania. He's like, roll out and they all attack the roadie together. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Noah is in the wrong. He has not paid his employee. Yes. Who he is making travel with him. Right. And then so Noah's like, hey man I noticed you were crazy crazy violent just now and he goes

I don't want to kill everyone and he's like weird thing to volunteer now I think maybe you do because you said that and now we just have five minutes of them reading a Bible passage right yeah they do a call in response of Psalm 23 yeah Psalm 23

right so Reverend Noah is like all right relax you repeat after me to pray the murder instinct away and he starts reading Psalm 23. But Ted, even though he has amnesia, he like remembers Psalm 23 after a little bit because the Bible's more powerful than amnesia, I guess. Piblically magical. Yes. So from there, we're going to get a big flash forward. We'll find out later that it is in fact that. We're going to cut seven years ahead, right? So we're at a church where Ted, known as Tad at this moment, is the preacher,

and he's doing a really bad sermon. Yeah. Can I say we don't give enough credit because bad preaching is bad preaching, man. It's an old-timey version of pastor that I think should be brought back which is sort of the like droopy dog.

Oh, God, don't go. Gosh, God. Don't throw a lightning bolt at him. Don't do it, Lord. Like he's holding back his good friend God from kicking our asses. That's his preaching style. And it's just,

These scenes, there are a lot of them. They're very long. It's just, and I wonder how much of it was just runtime padding to try to hit this 80-minute mark. Yeah. And they just barely made it. So they had to squeeze out some time from these sermons. They could have given us a 60-minute movie. They still did that then.

Yep. Yep. I don't know what they, it's not like they foresaw future to be was going to take him up on this. Right, right. There's no, this movie probably came out. it's 1960, so it wouldn't have even been the A picture in a theater. If it came out in theaters, it maybe got a limited release. And it would be like the B picture that you'd go to the Nickelodeon, you'd give your nickel

and you'd walk in at any minute. Like, they didn't need to make it this long. Yeah, this is a movie that is meant to be walked in at least three quarters of the way through. Right. This is before Psycho. We haven't changed that. People don't go at the beginning of a movie and stay just for that movie.

This is you show up. Maybe the newsreels are going. maybe it's the cartoons. Maybe you're in the A picture, the B picture. I don't know. Yeah, I think this was supposed to be the B picture. They had an A picture, but it took too long, and it got released like a year and a half later.

Right. So they have to just do this by itself. It doesn't work very well. Actually, no, I think you're right. I think there was a movie that this was supposed to be connected with. And I read that factoid and they did not come out at the same time. No, they missed it. The A picture found out they were like, oh, we're going to be with that movie.

No, thanks. It's like, you know when like, you know, like you meet a bunch of people and then there's a secondary location, but you realize people you did not enjoy at that meal are also going to go to the secondary location. So you're like, oh my God, I would love to join you, but I just got COVID. So I've got to bring. I got to take this. You're just holding up your hand. It's fine. I got to take this. I got to take my hand. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. My pet lobster died. Oh, got to go. What's your lobster's name? Sebastian.

Cheddar bay biscuits. Oh, that was quick. So quick. So fucking good. Sebastian and the lobster. That does track. Story checks out. All right.

Bye. It's all coming together. So he does a long, terrible sermon, and then he does an altar call so he can do some healing magic. And he calls for the kids first. And we get a little girl who walks up. And we learned she got in a car accident. And that's why she has a hearing aid.

So he's like, take out your hearing aid. and to fix your one ear that's not that good because of the car accident. Okay. Can I talk? There's so many hilarious moments in this miracle healing. First of all, we need to acknowledge that for the rest of the movie, he has miracle healing powers. He will never use them again.

He just, this is the one time he uses his magic god healing powers. He'll never use them again. But I don't think the miracle healing powers work on himself. So I wonder if it's actually every time he uses them, he weakens him. which I'm pretty sure is the plot for another horror movie. It's like a Dorian Gray scenario a little bit. Yeah, that's possible. Yeah, he's the portrait.

But I do think that there is a horror movie out there where it's someone who is set in like the Catholic Church and everyone thinks, oh, they have magical, you know, they're blessed by God and they have healing powers. But it's actually evil because when they use their powers, it weakens them. So it's very much about, you know, hypocrisy and whatnot. And I have no idea what movie this is called.

Maybe I dreamed it. but I'm pretty sure this is a plot. Okay. Check out the next Amanda Stern joint. Yeah. It's a picture of Dorian Pray scenario. Yeah. There you go.

And also, yeah, you can't use the healing on your, it's like tickling. You can't like heal yourself with Jesus power. Have you seen a tickling documentary either of you? I did see the tickling documentary. It's a bummer. Of the concept of tickling. No. No.

No. Heath, go into it blind. gather your family around and just watch it. And then let us know what you thought. Let us know what that experience. Got it. Got it. And I will do that.

Bring your mom over for that. And I will. Yes, watch it with your whole family. So I want to talk about one other moment that happens during this healing montage because it makes me so happy. I laugh so hard from it. When he brings the deaf little girl up who we're about to learn who's death, he goes, what's your name? And then she like takes a second to answer.

And he's like, what's your name? And then she responds, I'm deaf. And he's like, oh, sorry I yelled earlier when you didn't answer right away. My bad. Well, I love, there's a moment in this when it cuts back to everyone in the pees praying. And their hands are all like this. Yeah. And I'm like, why did they look like Nosferatu?

Yeah, we need to bring back Dracula praying. Yes, we need to bring back Dracula praying. I said this is Nosephratu's sleeping pose. Mm-hmm. Oh, did people used to do that? Like, does there a hand? I don't think so. Is there a choreography for accepting healing and prayer?

I don't think there's been an alternative. I think that's just a pose that's been used when people are dead. That's what I associate that with. I think this has been it for a while. Yeah. Okay. And like even Nosephratu has that pose in the 1920, whatever movie. So this isn't even a modern lens thing.

I just don't know why that's what they went with here. It was a very odd choice. It was a very strange. He also heals one other kid, Jerry, who walks on crutches and wants to be a baseball player and so he gets everybody to pray for better not having to need crutches, I guess.

Also, we need to point out that the touching required of these children is intense. He touches these children way more than he touches the femme fatale was going to fuck in the last scene. His hands are moving all over Jerry's legs and I'm sitting there real uncomfortable.

And even if Jerry can't feel that because his legs don't have the feet. It's still very uncomfortable, yeah. Yes, if this is how actual miracle healing worked, you'd still want someone to be chiller about it, right? I'd still want them to be like, now I'm really going to go to town on your gams there, Jerry, and I need you to know that at the end of this,

you're going to walk across the state. Can I have an intimacy coordinator? Yes, exactly. We need an intimacy coordinator for this. We do, though. For this miracle healing. Could have you. And there are intimacy coordinators who,

who specifically, specifically work with minors on set, not in terms of sexual intimacy, but just anything that involves minors being on set, you need all of those extra, you know, stopgaps. So there are like people who... Why, is anything bad ever happened to kids who are in movies? I don't think... Or churches? At kids at churches?

No. I think we need government assigned intimacy coordinators for every church as a law. You know, I was 16 the first time I filmed a sex scene? Intense. It was great. This was before intimacy coordinators. No coordinator. Did you get a child advocate intimacy coordinator?

No, there were no intimacy coordinators. Then intimacy coordinators are really only from the last 10 years. And this was more than 10 years ago. 11 years ago. Exactly. Yeah. So we get that second healing. Cool.

He asks for money from everybody because he healed a couple of kids right before their eyes. Yes. Let me hear green leaves. Not change greenly, the rustle of leaves. Yeah. Yeah. And then we see Ted in his office for a second with Reverend Noah after the service. And we learned that they're putting together a children's hospital.

And that makes them good guys in the movie, I suppose. To be clear, though, you did just show you had miraculous healing powers. So I feel like the last thing you need is a hospital for, like, what do you? Yeah, that's. You just need a facility for you to do more of this. Couldn't you just do it on a lower budget with just God? magic? Does it really matter what building you're in? You seem to be fine and attend.

Can't you just walk around and be like, hey, you need healing? I can heal you. All right, we're doing a big hallway high five. Everybody get out there. All right, well, from there, we're going to cut to evil seductress Terry and her sinful games.

Yeah, she's at her apartment, I guess, and her boyfriend, Pete, shows up. He's got a bottle. They like to drink. He explains, I think, exact words, I had to roll a drunk to get enough dough for this. So does that mean rolling over? Did he literally like push the guy?

Just said to push the guy. I'm just, I'm out there just tipping drunks over. No, I know it means mugging people, but that implies that Pete's main way of making a living is just to wander the streets of whatever city they're in, randomly mugging people until they have enough money for booze. Yeah. Yes.

Well, he nailed it this time. Mm-hmm. And we see the bottle was wrapped in a newspaper. And all of a sudden, the newspaper like flies out to the perfect page. And we see Ted's photo or Tad in this moment. Why is he referred to Orpheus of the pulpit? Does this movie know the story of Orpheus in Eurydice? No, I don't think.

We all know it. But what just you tell us so everybody can know. No, Amanda, no lifelines. Keith has to guess the story of Orpheus right now. It's a classic Greek Christian noir about, no, I have no idea. Yeah, Orpheus doesn't doubt a lot of miracle healing. No, no, Orpheus is in love with Eurydice and Eurydice dies and he goes down into, you know, the river sticks to the underworld to bring her back. And Hades, the god of the underworld.

makes a deal with him, we will let you bring her back to Earth. But as you walk out of the underworld, you must walk ahead of her. And you cannot look back until you have fully gotten back to land. And of course, Orpheus is an idiot. And just as Eurdaea is about to follow him out into the life world, you know, the world of the living, he looks back. and she gets sucked back into the underworld. Typical fuck boy.

Pillar assault. Pillar assault. It's a lot like this movie. I see why they used it. It's a lot like that. Yep, it's a lot like this movie. And that was such a condensed version of Orpheus. Yes.

But it has nothing to do. My favorite thing is that there are versions of that myth where he's so sad about him blowing it at the last minute that he cries so many tears that he drowns himself, which I think is a fitting. I think we've all had that fuck boy in our lives who blows it with his girlfriend and then cries so much that he drowns himself. Isn't that what Robin Thick did? Yes, exactly. Okay.

And I mean, they could have done an Orpheus thing here, not Orpheus in Eurydice, but it could have been sort of like a false prophet thing that he thinks he's healing, and then it actually has the reverse effect and it becomes worse. Okay, you need to remake this movie with good stuff in it. Yes, with the roadhead at the beginning and the actual. Orpheus and Rucydiddy. He's missing his dick through the movie. There's lots of great stuff in here. And Terry actually getting revenge. And Terry getting revenge. It's called Terry's tale. Yeah. Well, Terry's going to try. So she sees Ted, Tad in the photo in the newspaper. And she's like,

oh, he became a preacher now. So she runs out to the phone on the wall in their building. I guess that was a thing back in the day. And she tells the operator to get her Tad Morgan. She gets on the. phone with him. He's in California at his church. And she's like, it's Terry James. Remember me? You're actually Ted, not Ted. And he's like, I'm not that. And she asks about a twin brother, because she's thinking maybe it's a twin scenario. And he's like, nope, not that. But here's what's so crazy, right? He knows he has amnesia. So when someone calls and says, hey, I know your real name. His answer is, nope, that's not it. And not, oh, yes, I have amnesia. And finally, someone who knew me before has recognized me.

Maybe he has amnesia about his amnesia. Yeah. Okay, he's got double amnesia maybe. Whatever. He's like, that was weird moving past it. So that's it. Literally just she's like, I knew you back. And he's like, oh, no, wrong number.

And then turns to him he's like, oh, nothing. Don't worry about it. Yeah. So we're back with Terry and Pete, who rolls drunks for money. and Terry shows the newspaper clipping that she has about the car accident that they were in. And we learned that Terry went to jail for six months and she's like, all right, I'm going to do some blackmail.

And this is where I decided I am solely on her side. Of course. Absolutely. He abandoned her because of his crime and she went to jail for six months for him? Yeah, yeah. So she's going to blackmail this guy. And she's like, I'm going to blackmail.

And this is where I was like, we're going to have some religious moralizing and it sucks because the really interesting way to go with this is that you have a man who gets into this car accident and then doesn't have amnesia up and leaves, like makes the decision to start his life over. And his girlfriend who has been spurned tracks him down. And then you have this fun cat and mouse of her being able to destroy his life at any minute. And then that's a good. And then that's a thriller, an actual thriller. That would be excellent. Instead of this.

Instead of this, which is basically just like sad sack McGubbins doesn't want consequences for his actions. Yeah. All right. Well, evil plan established. She does a little mohaha and then Pete doesn't jump in enough right away. And she's like, hey, we both have to fucking do the money. And he's like, oh, I'm maha.

Dr. Clauber said when I'm maha ha ha, you have to mohaha. I mean, Pete wanders through this movie like, well, I'm here. I'm here. Pete, what are you doing here? No, no, I'm here. No, Pete, do you not remember the plan? Oh, the plan? The what?

Pete, did you get into, like, a car accident in real life? He's so drunk throughout this movie. Yeah, he is very much. So their plan is they're going to blackmail Ted using some sort of Christian noir shenanigans. So we're going to take a quick break to get ready for that. And then we'll be back with more, the seventh commandment. Say, mister, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I just, I seem to have lost my memory. I see, well, do you know your name? Uh, no, no, I, I just told you I lost my memory, so. Hmm, well, I was looking at your watch here on the road, DG. Could your name be David? I'm, I don't know, I lost my memory. Darren, Donald. Why are you guessing?

This isn't how memory loss works. Sorry, did you want to, like, take me to get some medical attention or? Damian. Up. You know what? It is Damian. It is. That's crazy.

Ah. Okay. So is there like a hospital close? Damian Green. I'm going to go. Damian gold. Gister. Balber?

He's gone. Stop guessing. Damian gone. Damian guessing. And we're back. When we left off, Terry and Pete hatched their evil plot. And now we're back at the church. And now we're back at the church.

church with Reverend Ted Tad doing another terrible sermon. Yep. He is not going to do a miracle healing with this one. No. Nope. No. We get the altar call, though. He eventually gets like 10 people.

He talks a lot about Satan's bosom in this one. There was. There was. And that worked on about 10 people. Yeah. He says that God is holding a fiery bolt in his hand ready to cast you down. And that. is not the lore of Christianity at all, just to be clear.

You can't riff that I know you have amnesia, but you can't be like, and by the way, God has lightning powers. And I'm just saying there's only four people at the altar call. I'd hate for him to. Well, this movie has already referenced Orpheus. So I guess now we're just going with Zeus. Now we're going with Zeus. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, get that Greek canon. So, okay, I wonder, do you think the people who made this movie were told they had to make it pro-Christian. So they had no idea what they were doing because they weren't Christians. They're just like, yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. Very possible.

Totally right. And there's usually a bunch of atheists at church who aren't quite there yet and you call them up and then they're like, yeah, I'm in. Yeah, God's going to strike you down with his thunderbolts. Yeah.

Oh, you know what? That sold me. I didn't realize he had a thunderbolt. You had mentioned a thunderbolt. Yeah. No, I know. No, I know. Thunderbolt.

Yeah. So he does that. He gets the 10 people to be Christian. I guess. And he does a little more sermon talking about driving out Satan. And he's like, anyway, time to donate to the children's hospital that we're doing. I wanted someone to raise their hand and be like, did you want to do another miracle healing? Do you have listed on the schedule which weeks you do the miracle healing? No questions, please. Just give me those leaves of money. Do you think he, does he cure erectile dysfunction?

Ooh. I feel like that's Terry's job. I feel like if they're saying, if they're a baby. It seems like Terry does a lot more of that than she does. He doesn't want to step on any toes. I honestly can't tell if the movie thinks he's good or bad in this exact moment when like the children's hospital gets. It seems like he's clearly like running a scam. Like if you have, you know, modern day knowledge of church, you're just like, oh, it's an evangelist doing a scam. That's not going to a children's hospital. But yeah, the movie's quite certain he's a good guy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden we see. Terry is at the church and she looks up from under her giant brimmed hat that was blocking her face the whole time. This is the introduction that Meredith Blake gets in the parent trap. Yes. Oh, okay. And I wonder, did Nancy Myers see this movie?

100%. I've always said, literary allusion. The parent trap is a sequel to the Seventh Commandment. I mean, no, Meredith Blake's introduction in the parent trap lodged itself in my, like, childhood sexuality. That was one of my like actor crushes as a kid. Yep. Her. Okay.

And the dad and the very queer butler. You're just ready to fuck everybody in the parent trap. The adults, yes. Grotives came back in the room. They popped out the VHS and they were like, so how'd you like that little Amanda? And you were like, I don't know. I want to fuck everybody involved in that. movie and they were like, all right, well, no more parent trap for you. I thought I was really good at

hiding by like actor crushes as a kid. And apparently I wasn't because now my mom just makes fun of me for them. If I'm being honest, Haley Mills has Miss Bliss in early Saved by the Bell part of my childhood sexual development. Now when you say childhood, do you mean right now in this moment here today? It's neither here nor there. No questions, please. No comment. So yeah. So Terry, looks up Ted Caesar and he immediately gets flashbacks to his history and loses a little bit of the amnesia. And then we're back in the office again. He's with Reverend Noah and he's got all his memories back. And he's like, yeah, my name's Ted Matthews.

I killed a guy in a car accident. And he's mad at himself because, you know, he's a hypocrite. He's saving sinners, but he's a sinner. Yeah. And he's like, oh, I should turn myself in. I murdered a person. And Noah's like, no. No.

No, no. No, no, no, no, you're doing the Lord's work. You don't end our jobs. God doesn't want you to turn yourself in. Yeah. This was such a weird moment of like Reverend Noah is like, no, don't question the Lord's plan. You're a good guy for sure. No, it's fine.

You should keep doing our jobs. Uh-huh. And this is another point in Noah's very questionable moral compass. Yeah. Well, we see, Noah's got a reason, which is that what God really wants is for him to suffer in silence and for Noah to keep making money as the assistant to a very successful prosperity preacher. Who doesn't pay his employees as we've learned? Yes, who does not have to pay his employees? Exactly. Yeah. Right. So this is where Terry shows up to do her blackmail. She walks

into the office. In the best dress I've ever seen. And you can tell it's going to be the blackmail moment because evil, sultry, muted trumpet music, and, of course, a lady's involved in that. And she's in a really great wiggle dress. Yes, she is. She looks incredible. Absolutely correct. I want that dress.

Yeah, she looks so good. I was wondering where I could buy that. What I loved about this scene is that they get the blackmail scene so wrong, right? Because what's supposed to happen is like, she in first black men is like, damn it, what do you mean? And then she reveals the truth. Except what happens in this scene is she's like, I was thinking maybe, and he's just already holding a checkout to her and she's like, oh, um, thanks.

But also, wait, does blackmailing him work when he is willing to turn himself in and has already told Noah who he is? Why? None of this is blackmail. Also, he just gives her the money. Like, so. Which is why my idea where he willingly changed who he was, knowing everything, makes it a smarter thing because then he is making conscious decisions.

But then I don't think this movie could argue he's the good guy. No. Yeah. Now he's willing, not only was he willing to turn himself in, but now God's plan is for him to continually be blackmailed by this femme fatale. Like, it just makes no sense. God's having fun. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. So she's like, I could be saved real nice for $1,000. And he actually for a second gets the problem. He's like, right. But then you could just ask me for more. Blackmail doesn't really end, does it? You just ask me for more. I won't do that.

Also, a thousand dollars in 1960. is $11,250 today. That's not enough money to ask for. I'd be asking for my student loans to be paid off. Thank you very much. Yeah, you got to start your negotiation higher. Yeah. For sure.

You can't start at the low end. You start with the crazy number. And then you work your rate down so that you end up with what you really want. You got to fold pieces of paper, slide them across tables. Well, especially when the answer to $1,000 is immediately yes. Right?

You kind of want to be like, check. Right. You want to be like a month. Yeah. Sorry, I want to throw that out there. A week. Give me a thousand dollars a week. Stipant. Yeah. Yeah. But Ted gets it for a second. But then he's like, oh, well, here's the check for a thousand dollars. I guess I'm fucked on this blackmail thing. Then we cut over to Terry. She's back home checking out her new hat that she definitely got with her blackmail money looking in the mirror. Wearing another great outfit. Yeah. Yeah. Great outfit, too. She's wearing. this like matching strapless bra and underwear set. And it's where I got very jealous of small-booped women

who can wear strapless bras that fit and are flattering. But she has this sheer like dressing gown over it. It's very like Hazel Brooks in Die My Love. It's got big Die My Love vibes. It is also very much the nicest part of this movie. Everything about this movie, the camera work, the props, the acting is terrible except for her outfit. It feels like, you know how there's like, when I was in drama school, there would always be like one really gifted fashion student who would do a great job on their project.

And then everyone else would be like, fuck, mine sucks. I feel like their costume designer had tremendous potential. And everybody else was like, the glass part of the camera points towards her. Well, is this one those movies where they had? Because a lot of times when you watch these older movies, you'll see that there's costumes and then there's so-and-so's gowns by where the, costumes for a female lead are by a different designer. And I wonder, I didn't check, but that might be the case here. Yeah, possibly.

Because her costuming is amazing. It's great. Yeah. It really feels like this actress is the only person in the movie who's, first of all, like an actor who knows what they're doing. But also the only person who knows, kind of like Amanda, like the history of the genre and is trying to like sneak in good stuff throughout. And everybody's just like, all right, that's weird what you're doing, whatever.

but she's like, yeah, this is like the beginning of that thing. I did the thing from the parent trap. I'm crushing it. Yeah, before the parent, 50 years before the parent trap. No, 30-something years. Yeah. I think it's on Netflix and I highly recommend everyone check it out. There is an old BBC recording of like 16-year-old Alan Rickman playing Tibolt in Romeo and Julia.

And it's a BBC production and everyone is erotic kid and they're all like, they're all doing that like old fancy acting. and he does naturalistic acting. And every time he acts, everyone else on screen looks at him like, Alan, you're messing it up. You're doing a weird thing. That's how she is in this movie.

She's acting. And I feel like every time they called cut, they were like, are you really mad at me? And she was like, no, for the ninth time, man, we're acting. Okay, you yelled. It's like, yes, it's the part.

Because that's my lines. I know, she's the only one who's bringing anything. The men are sleeping through this movie. Well, they are 90. I mean, I think Pete was actually drunk. I don't think he's just playing drunk. I think he was drunk the entire time.

He filmed this. And at least they gave Terry such a good wardrobe. I hope she got to take those pieces home with her. Yeah, take it home with you, girl. Speaking of drunk, this is where she has also bought Pete a box of booze because they were going for a bottom out of that box. And we watch, the only reason I bring this up is we have to watch Pete be unable to open a cardboard box the way I'm unable to open it.

I'm sorry. Little tape at the end there. I thought it would just sort of pop up. Okay, I need a scissor. I don't have one. Ah, the cardboard's ripping. I'm not going to be able to use this box later. She's just torn to pieces.

Like me trying to open a cereal box and it's all rude. Well, he is drunk. He's so drunk. He's just like, I'm just like an orange. I'm just going to say, yeah. I'm peeling it like an orange. It's fine.

Yeah. And then he takes out, he finally opens this box and he takes out two bottles. and he's like, we each get, his and hers bottles. There we go. We'll drink together. I feel like this is a thing that Heath and his wife do. It's neither here nor there. So then we get Ted and Noah.

They're back in their office. They're talking about the children's hospital. In like great detail, it appears they're the architects of this building too. And then he gets a phone call. Ted does. And Noah's like, hey, You've got to relax, you know, be healthy. You're going to have a heart attack,

Andy, he immediately has a heart attack right there. Yeah. He immediately gets pre-heart attack movie chest pains. It's heart attack foreshadowing. I wrote in my notes, no, no, no, don't take care of yourself or take any breaks. I'm sure everyone will like your podcast without you. It'll be called the two super cool best friends. They were just as important that everybody liked a lot.

And they invited also to come hang out with Seth. They wanted them to hang out with Seth, but they couldn't. They were actually really busy, too busy to hang out with Seth is what they'll be, it'll be a little wordy, but you people like it. I feel like there's some drama that's been alluded to in, in prior episodes. I don't know what you're talking about. Amanda. I'm trying to do a podcast.

Really partial. For a comedy podcast. Eli, are you actually mad at us or were you doing acting in the movie? I was acting. Podcast. Okay. And you got and I'm in the negligence from earlier. Yeah, so anyway, Ted has this little heart attack.

It seems like Reverend Noah would, you know, magically heal him with the God powers. No, no, no, no one doesn't have the magical healing powers. It's just Ted, Ted, yeah, no. It's Teddy baby, who has the magical healing powers. Withdron. I'm such an idiot. It's so embarrassing me in front of this. This is why no one's going to watch the shows when Noah's dead.

Try and induct Amanda. She's going to say no. She's going to be like, no, with stupid. stupid questions, eat. No way. You're blowing this. So, Reverend Noah calls the doctor. Doctor shows up to check out Ted. And the doctor says, it's just a spasm from tired machinery. So that's 1961 for heart attack, I guess. Yeah, 1961 doctors were just like, well, I didn't want you to take a shirt off because that would bring the gay thoughts back. So, I don't know, go on vacation. But also, I did not want to see this guy shirtless. So nobody does.

Right. So the doctor prescribes three or four weeks of rest. But Ted has to leave town for the therapeutic rest to work. From there we cut to Terry, drunk at home. And... In another sexy outfit. Yeah. New sexy outfit, indeed. And she's a little mad though, because the bottle is empty. I guess they ran through their case of liquor. And she's like, Pete, get up. We need more liquor. And this one beats like, hey, remember how black male's never really done? Just do more of that, right? We just do more?

Go do more black, get more money from the free money man now. Please. This is when I got distracted by looking at her bra and panty sat and realizing, hey, I think I wore that underwear in my movie. You did. You did. I said in my notes, who wore it better? And then I also wrote, I don't know that I'm comfortable answering that.

Me and Amanda don't know each other well enough. I'll set it up if Amanda likes it. She can knock it down. You can't answer it now because you've already pregnant. No, I need you. This is what I say. You say it first. I can't decide if I wore it better or if she wore it better.

Keith, you say it right now. Amanda, it's just you talking for the rest of the episode. It's just you talk for the rest of the podcast. We're pretending Noah's already dead. This is a solo show now. like cereal. What you do is you find a murderer and you say you didn't do it.

And then you get, it's the most popular podcast for a while. I didn't even see that in your notes. Okay, well that got officially answered somehow. So, Terry has a new idea now. Patreon poll. Lord Patrick.

Well, this is great. Now that we're on the fucking YouTube, I can do that. That'll be the thumbnail is just like, she won. Or what? All right. So Terry has a new idea now for the blackmail.

She's going to make Ted marry her. And I guess that makes sense. She'd get half his money if they, you know, she then divorces him, whatever. Or if he dies, she gets all his money. Right. Right. That would work too. So Pete's very confused by this new plan.

And Terry has to explain like, no, it's a fake marriage. I'm just, we're, it's for our money for us is the plan. But you're dating me. Nope. Mine. No. Dibs. No.

I'm going to, it's going to. Okay. What if we just make out and you relax? Yay. I like making out. He is such an unnecessary character. Yes. Yes.

I think he's only here so she is someone to talk her plans out loud to because they couldn't conceive of another way to get it across to the audience, which is. let me teach them about a little writing tip called show, don't tell. No, this is a tell and then tell some more and then tell again. Only telling. Only telling. And look, I think that's an annoying piece of writing advice because a lot of people overuse it when they don't know how to give the right advice that they're trying to give. Here, it is an issue of she's telling us her plan, but not obfuscating anything.

thing is just laying it all out there. And when you are doing smart telling and smart expository dialogue and a smart noir, you are telling us things, but they have hidden meanings. Things are innuendo. So just because someone's saying something, it also means that there's a deeper meeting. You know, everything in double indemnity, you know, when Barbara Stanwyck is telling her plans to, I forget who plays the male lead. Jennifer Anderson. That's correct. Rachel Green from friends. Exactly.

She is putting it out there, but she's also hiding things. She's holding things close to the vest that there are ulterior motives. So she's telling him what he needs to hear. Here, she's just telling us exactly what it is. Right. I think Pete's entire function

might just be the seventh commandment in their head, which is, you know, no adultery. And I don't think Pete and Terry are married here, but the movie's going to imply. that like she's cheating somehow. Yeah, I wonder that later. I'm like, is this really adultery though? Yeah. Do I consider Pete a viable person?

No. The movie is quite confused. But that's the plan and she kisses Pete a little bit so he calms down. Then we cut to Ted. He's in his office. He gets a call from Terry. She wants to see him again to do her more blackmail with the marriage plan. Zebra dress.

Yeah. And he's like, he's like, like, oh, you want more money? And she's like, no, I want to see you. And he's like, for more money. And she's like, nope, that's, why would I add being in person if all I wanted was more money? And he's like, well, I'm about to go on vacation. And she's like, yeah, man, I'm blackmailing you. So did you think I was going to say, oh, okay, I'll catch you when you're back from vacation? Right. Terry is doing the Lord's work by actually acting. Yes.

Opposite this guy. Who is just like, oh, no, I have to go on. On vacation. I cannot see you. I will give you more money. And she's actually holding a conversation. She is. There's a lot of aggressive asymmetry in the talent here. So Ted finally agrees he flies to wherever she lives and he goes up to the apartment.

And he's like, I'm not coming inside. Just say a number for the more blackmail. Now, to be fair, I thought it was important for our audience who watches movies along at home. this is what happens when Heath is occasionally forced to walk into my house. So if you were wondering what it's like

to watch Heath walk into my house. How big of a check so I don't have to walk inside and become immediately sticky? He's literally just trying to find a not dirty surface to touch. There isn't one.

He's just going, oh. I can feel it in the air. How... Hover boots. It's fumes of stickiness. That doesn't even make sense. I do want to mention in this conversation, Ted asks Terry if she wants him to get on his knees and crawl.

And I said, yes, please get on your knees, crawl. There's like a weird undercurrent of kinkiness in this movie, especially with feet stuff. And they don't go there, but it's hinted that. And I just, I want to know. Oh, I'd say they go there at certain parts in the movie. Who on the crew? Who was bringing that?

All of them? I think all of them. There's some big feet stuff on the crew. A lot of weird vibes with the feet. There were some Tarantino shots. For sure. Yeah. She was the Oma Thurman for all of these people. It was pretty gross. So he finally walks inside and just picks a number and writes a check.

She takes the check, rips it up. And she's like, I'll tell you what I want, Teddy. You and you're staying here with me. So the idea is like he's going to spend his vacation there. and she's going to enact her marriage plan. And this is when Ted picks up a Bible that, I guess, was sitting somewhere. And he seems to think he's figured out a solution to the blackmail problem inside the Bible. Yeah.

And he prays for God to make Terry stop blackmailing him, I guess. And she does a, I credit to Terry, she does a mea, me, me, yeah while he's praying. Okay, this was funny. A hundred percent hilarious, right? He's just like, and Lord, and she's like, Yeah, Lord. And she she pours water on his head

during the thing. She's already doing the like, manna, yeah. And then she just pours water on him. So again, back to the like taking it and making it kinky because she's like, is the sexy water? What's going on here? Yeah. She pours water in his head and then fucks him.

Well, she kisses him right after he says the Seventh Commandment. Because we are nothing if not on the nose. Yeah. Yeah, and he goes, thou shalt not commit adultery, boom, kiss. Oh, I missed that very subtle piece of writing. That's clever. This is the weird.

What they did. This is where the movie takes a weird turn because Ted will spend the rest of this movie, right? With the exception of like four minutes at the end, he'll spend the rest of this movie consensually fucking her. Mm-hmm. But poutly. Right. Like, oh no. I don't want to be happy about fucking this.

sexy later. Right. Up until this moment in the movie, right? I get it. She's blackmailed him into the apartment. He doesn't like being there. He's praying and she's mocking him. She pours water on him. Okay, I get it. He's the victim. But then she's like, do you want to have sex? And he's like, well, yeah, obviously, I'll fucking have sex. But I'm still, I'm still the protagonist and you're still

really mean. Like, I didn't understand what we were, like, Ted is supposed to be so pulled in by her womanly wiles here. Well, this is the all such is not understanding the genre constructs of a noir. And the thing is, the man does have to be taken in by her. So they had to go there, but they also had not given us a good setup for it, which is, again, because of the Annesia thing and not making him an active protagonist and someone

who made the choices to get where he is, which would make him wait for a much more interesting fucking character. Yeah, their device just took all the agency and interesting stuff out of it. Yeah. For sure. So from there, Terry goes to see Pete. again at his apartment, I think. And she's only got like $5 for him, and he's mad about that.

And she says, you know, Mrs. Reverend Tad Morgan, and then he, because he forgot their evil play again. He forgot the plot of the movie. He beats her up. He becomes violent immediately. He starts attacking. Now, look, this would be super not funny if this fight choreography wasn't the most three stooge's thing you'd ever seen.

So he can't do a nap, right? So he'll do this and then this actress throws herself across the room like she got uppercutted by Homelander and they do it like nine times in a row where this actress just goes sailing around the room. Well, this scene also starts with him coming into the room and going, hi, hi, a toots. Yeah. And finally she's like, no, remember this was our plan? And he's like, oh, right. I'm sorry I was hitting you. God.

Ah. We had an evil plan together. Okay. Drinking game for this movie. Take a drink every time Pete, that's the plan. Yes, truly. Yeah, that'll improve the movie experience for you. You know who did that? Pete. Right. So he eventually apologizes. Because he remembered the big plot of their plot together. He kind of says like, I apologize on your behalf. I'm not mad at you for me having hit you because I forgot about the evil plan that we're doing.

It's an abuser apology. It's, I don't like to beat you up, but I have. have to sometimes. Right. And this is when you're like, push him out of window. Please kill him. Can we have a revenge movie about this guy too? Yes. Right.

So we got away from that scene and then we're with Ted and he's just mumbling the Bible in like a fugue state at this apartment where he's staying. Yes. And I too zoned out. Yeah. I fully zoned out during that. Yeah. This will be Ted's performance for the last, for all but

the last 20 seconds of the movie is Ted will spend the rest of this movie apparently perpetually erect but just like catatonic but erect for the rest of the film while this poor actress just acts around him and is like anything man did you want to give me anything? No it's fine

all right I'll just do. And now she's wearing the sandy outfit from the end of Greece. Oh nice okay Sandra D yeah well done okay so she gets back to her apartment Ted's mumbling in the fugue state and she gets mad at him. She's like, dude, you're the

like, stop praying. She throws some of the food that she brought, throws it at him. And then he like starts feeling her up. Yes. Yeah. He's like his hand is fully on her tits. It's so funny because again, this whole movie we're supposed to be like, oh, this poor man trapped in this woman's web,

like he's no way to free himself from her. And then the second she gets close to him, he's like, whoops. Yeah, he's sexually on top of her. She is standing there at the table. He comes up behind her and really just starts moving his hands all up and down her chest. He's supposed to be this like poor victim praying to God for any assistance. And then the minute she sits down, he's like trying to push her head into his lap.

Yes, what a terrible thing. Here's the thing. That's the most Christian interpretation of this idea that it's her fault for tempting him. It's not his fault. for being unable to control himself. It's how dare she be sexy? I don't know if I put it in my notes for this scene, but at one point, does this guy just have to fuck her every time he enters her gravitational

orbit? Like, because he truly does not ever take responsibility for the fact that he is actively having sex with someone. Yeah. He's not, he's not passed out when they have sex. He is actively initiating it. Mm-hmm.

This is also when Terry kind of like corrupts him some more with, with drinking. too. She gets him back on the bottle. And we get two different people throwing their drinking glass down moments. So Ted gets back on board with drinking and he like finally takes like

a big swig and throws the glass away with gusto. And then we see Pete angrily drinking by himself and he throws his glass at the wall. I forgot what the movie's about again so I'm throwing this glass. Yeah.

Okay, do you think Pete has to wander back in for Terry to re-explain the plan to him so many times? Because they were operating on, like, the Netflix storytelling principle where you have to tell the audience the same thing three times because they're not paying attention. Everybody's just watching on not really their phones. And yeah, for sure. So Terry just has to re-explain it to him. Everyone's watching it on a mimeograph. This isn't the way this movie was intended to be watched. No, it's like, we don't know what time you walked in on this movie.

Maybe you walked in 20 minutes in. Maybe you're 30 minutes in. But guess what? Terry is going to re-explain it to you. Yes, exactly. It would have been pretty funny if he threw the glass. Pete's by himself. He throws the glass and she just like somehow pops in.

She's like, hey, remember what we're doing? Relax. Cool. Okay. I'll be back. So now we see Ted is passed out from the drinking and Terry drags him to the bed. And okay, this was the first time in the movie where I was like, oh, she drugged him in addition to.

he's drunk, but like she put something in it because he seems all like drug, but that's not what the movie's saying, but they accidentally made it look like that, right? No, yeah. They just wanted us to see that he's drunk and this movie's version of drunk is somewhere between Catatania and corpse. They will never be clear.

Okay, so she drags into bed and then she calls the like, you know, the town reverend pastor guy who can officiate the marriage that she's going to do. The rent-a-pastor. Yeah, the rent-a-past. every femme fatale knows about a rent-a-pastor because you never know

when you're going to need someone to carry you through the official marriage ceremony while someone is unconscious. Oh, don't we all have our patsies for the crimes we're going to submit on standby? We need to also have our rent-a-pastors who are going to marry us. Yeah, you got to have that ready. Here's the thing. If you're a guy who does fraudulent marriages for femme fatals, first of all, tiny client base, right?

That's long-tail marketing, right? You really got to put the work in. But if you're that guy, why make them go through the thing? Right? If the femme fatale brings over the unconscious drunk guy, I feel like you could just sign the paperwork and leave. You don't need to be like, no, no, no. I'll just sign the paperwork.

We don't need it to win it. Oh, you're going to do the weekend at Bernie's thing. You're going to hold them. I'm doing it for the love of the job. And I would like to do the real marriage ceremony. Okay, but like that's what really happens. We watch a weekend at Bernie's marriage thingy and Terry answers the question. for both of them.

Well, she's holding him up. And this rent pastor pronounces them, man and wife, and then thump. She drops him right away. It was kind of funny. And then the pastor tries to kiss Terry. Thank you, Amanda. This is exactly what I was just about to bring up. I wanted to know, I don't think this is a tradition.

He's like, I want to kiss the new bride. And I'm like, I know you're not exactly like straight up legit as far as it goes for reverending and pastoring for people, but I don't think adds any tradition. Prima no. No. No. This is another point in this movie where I'm like, so this is both pro-religion, but also it doesn't make religion or religious people look good. It does not. Not at all. And then she tells him to kiss her foot. So just another tally mark in the foot section. Yeah. You get another checkmark there. So she eventually kicks out the lechy pastor and she puts on her ring that she had and she's officially married.

way, that's an irresponsible pastor who doesn't take the job of notary public seriously. And I think that's an important. You take an oath, I would imagine, to be a notary. You have, you should if you don't. Anyway, Terry. I don't need a certificate. Yeah. Terry had dead are married on paper.

And we're going to take a quick break. But first, let me give back three, the hard sell. Was Terry actually drugging people? Does the amount of drinking in 1961 just do the same thing? so it just accidentally seems like drugging. Will the movie land on ranking the Seventh Commandment, or sixth of no adultery, as more important than the Sixth Commandment,

or Fifth or Eighth of No Murdering? Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the Deco-Logical, or Duo-Deckological, or sometimes 15 or 16-logical, conclusion of the Seventh Commandment. Oh, Lorry, you drive me wild Oh, Craig, take me here, and now

Jesus, what the fuck was that? I threw my glass. Why? Because of the passion. Okay, your passion made you destroy my stemware? I don't know, I've seen it in the movies, I'll clean it up. No, don't, you're not wearing socks. Oh, shit.

I got it. Where's your dust pad? I don't. think I have one. How do you not have a dust pan if you throw glasses all the time? I don't do it all the time. It was the passion. Okay, well, whatever.

Just one realistic glass throw in a movie. One realistic glass throwing. That's all we want. Just one time. Steven Spielberg, we know aliens aren't real. Stop making those movies. Start making the glass mesh. And we're back.

the weekend at Bernie's marriage is official, but now Pete shows up all drunk and mad because he once again forgot how their evil plan works. Hey, I realize I haven't been living in my house lately and I don't know why. I really had hoped that he had just died off screen. That would have been great. Instead, she's like, we're married, I did it.

I did the plan and he immediately flies into more violence. Right. He starts to beat up the unconscious guy. which I liked. And she's just yelling the plan out loud, even though unconscious Tad Ted is there and still conceivably could wake up. Yep.

He does not, though. No. Finally Pete is like... Thank you plot armor. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Finally Pete's like,

oh, I'm really sorry, baby. I keep forgetting the fucking plan. But then he tries to get like a sex thing going. He's like, what about sex for your wedding night? You just got married. Am I mad about that? but let's, me and you have sex for your wedding night. Poor Terry, she's got to be sore at this point, right?

Like, I'm not sure how much time is passing between the sessions with P and the sessions with Terry. But Lou in the 1960s was Crisco. I mean, this girl is got to be chafing. I mean, hi, vaginas are self-lubricating, but I don't imagine that these men are taking the... Not around these men are taking the time to... get her ready. So in my mind, she lies down and is thinking about some hot lady

she's going to meet when she moves to San Francisco or New York and has her bound movie. Your movie is so much better. Yeah. Yeah. So they go to the bedroom to have wedding night sex for her.

And then we see Ted waking up on the couch and he stumbles in the bedroom. And as he's about to get across the door, Pete like punches him through the threshold and beats him up. Yes. I wanted him to be like, wait, no, Pete, you need to read the ethical slut. It's like Pete, the plan. Don't forget the plan. What plan, babe? Yeah, seriously, she has to explain one more time just like, hey, been over this so many times.

And she makes Pete leave. And this, this should feel tense, but it is so goofy. It's so wacky. I wrote, I think it was during the scene that I wrote, she, is in like a sexy British sex farts. Everyone else is in a film noir, right? They're all like, and she's like, oh, oh, oh, the Duke

is going to find me. Yeah, crazy vibes. So then we cut to later that day and Terry's waking up Ted and she tells him, okay, we're going to your church. You got to show off your new wife to the congregation. Is her plan? Because so

far she has this man in a state of like 90% catatonia, except for his penis. Is she just going to lead him around like a sulky kindergartner for the rest of their married lives being like, hey, everybody's my husband. He's pouting and mumbling to himself. Right.

How long does she intend to stay married to him? Yeah. Yeah, at least long enough to do like another weekend of Bernie scene at the church, I guess. Yeah. Or she thought she was just going to make it through her entire Wanda Vision-esque existence with a pouty, mumbly, catatonic husband. Just like, well, you know, Johnny just made the Little League team.

Isn't that right, honey? And he's like, well, and a better noir, the plan would be to murder him. Yes, of course. Or to keep him alive, but in a state where other people never see him so that she is access to all his money. Sure. That would make sense for a plan? As opposed to like, come on, introduce me to your parents.

Yeah. Yeah, this is, from what I can tell, the plan here is just marry him and be his wife. Yeah, that's it. Flash cut to them. Thanksgiving, him still in a bathrobe. Our mother-in-law is just like, is my son in a fugue fuck state? It seems like he's been in a fugue fucker.

And I guess she's just keeping Pete on the side until either he or Ted dies. Pete wanders into Thanksgiving. Why don't I live in this house? Pete, the plan. Do you not remember the plan? I forgot. You tattooed it on my hands.

I forgot. I'll be outside. I'm outside every room. Memento, yeah. Oh, my God. So Terry, she's like, all right, I'm going to get in the shower and then we're going to go back to your town where the church is. And this is when we see Ted looking in the mirror in the apartment and he sees all the stubble on his face. And I guess that makes him remember something enough.

Something. He like ponders for a second and he hears weird audio noise, but it was just the noise of the shower. It was the shower. She takes a two second shower. This is great because this is such a perfect. insight into misogynists, right? Is misogynist being like, the lady takes a shower? That's enough.

She would not have had the time to walk through that shower if it were turned on for that long. Do you know how long it takes to get shampoo out of my hair? Yes. Takes so, my hair, I have so much hair. And look, I don't want to be graphic, but based on what we know that Terry has been up to, she has some cleaning to do, okay? Again, that shower. Viginas are self-cleaning.

But not that self-cle. This is an ad for vaginas. What do we said? Great. Now we have to do a sponsored post thing on YouTube. I got to look up, we got to do a shared part of the thing with vaginas. With vaginas. Yeah.

Damn it. Somehow now we're making this video with Ben Shapiro's wife. Oh, no, because we've discussed that they can get wet. He does not believe that. He does not believe that. That's right. It's why he's going to. She told him that that's a disease.

And he was like, yeah. No, you're right, babe, I get it. I get it. Which is really just because he approaches his wife's vagina the way Pete approaches Terry's. Yes. And she is, in that case, the Sahara. And, oh, the Daily Wire dried up too.

The Daily Wire is just going out of business, isn't it? That's so sad. Just when they had their own Netflix, damn it. Yeah. Think of our podcast. Right. So anyway, Terry gets out of her five second shower and she's like, all right, I'm going to go get your suit pressed and she leaves. And then we see her getting back and Pete is in the hallway now. Again. She reminds him once again about their plan. I've lost count. How many times has he forgotten the plan at this point?

This is the fourth time he has forgotten the plan. So this, okay, this goes to Eli, your theory about this movie being a farce because this is like a gag from a farce. Yes. But we've already passed three times the charge. Yes. So now we have to do it another like five times for it to come back around to be funny. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. So Terry hits Pete with the old sultry voice trick and also offers $100 cash as like a bribe to make him just go home and relax and try not to forget the plan again. So he does. We're just, we're just very stupid people. And that works. Then we see that. he's all shaved and chipper inside the apartment.

Because Teddy's got plans. Yeah, he's got plans. Right. He looks at directly into the camera actually to like, I guess, show that he knows what's up. And he's going to do his anti-rooose ruse. Hey, everybody. It's me. I've decided to start acting in the movie again.

Right. So he says he wants to walk to the train station instead of take a cab. I guess that's part of his plan. This is so good. It's a great plan. This is supposed to be this great momentous moment. He's like, why don't we walk across that bridge? You said that weird.

Which leads to the slowest, most pitch black walking. And you're like, is this supposed to be tense? And is this supposed to be fraught with suspense? Because I'm not getting that. No, none of that happens. And Terry takes on the ideal rub here thing, right? She's like, I don't know if I want to walk. I think we're going to.

And he's like, please, let's walk over the bridge. Then she sits on the railing. Right? And he rubs her feet. And he rubs her feet because this movie's into footstuff. It's really into footstaff. More footstaff. More foot stuff.

Right. And she's like, hey, it's too hard. And then he immediately throws her off the bridge. He throws her off the bridge. He does like the pool dunk throw her off the bridge. Yeah. Yeah. There might as well be somebody behind her and she's getting tripped.

Yeah, yeah. Yes, truly. If Pete was on his hands and knees, I forgot the plan again. I thought for a second I thought me and Tadro were doing a plan I know I'm surprised that Pete wasn't wandering behind them like I thought this was the plan again What are we doing?

That would have been much better But we do see Pete here In a little crosscut He's super drunk at his apartment Or no at Terry's apartment Yeah he's still there at the apartment there And he puts on Ted's robe You fuck my wife I put on your robe

Yeah he's doing like Norman Bates shit at this point. And that's gonna matter to the plot in a second. We'll get there. Yeah. So Terry's been thrown into the river under this bridge and she shows up all wet back at the apartment. Okay.

I want to be clear that this movie up until this point has been giving us, I mean, look, they haven't been doing it well, but they've been giving us straight up and down, film noir, right? Fem Fetal, murder. sex, drugs, sin. And she walks in like a wet muskrat. She might as well like do the fucking

daffy ducks about a big thing of water when she walks in the room. It's so silly. And her amazing dress is ruined. Mm-hmm. It is. It is. That was sad. So here's where the big mix-up is going to happen. Terry gets back and she thinks she sees Ted

in the bed because of the robe, which would not make sense. Why would he do that and then go back and take a nap? Her working theory is that Ted murdered her and then was like, I'm going to go catch like a 90 minute, Z. Well, you know, murder makes you sleepy. Yes. Sure.

Sure. It'll take it out of you. But of course, it's actually Pete wearing Ted's robe. And Terry immediately is like, all right, I might as well shoot him, I guess. with my gun. And I don't think that makes sense. That's like not a good move for blackmail. Pretty much the only way to fuck up blackmail is to kill the guy.

Yes, because now you cannot inherit his money. Yes. There you go. But also, are we sad about Pete's deaths? Because I think that's pretty good thing. We are not. She doesn't even bother to react. Like, we don't even get a moment in the movie to see how she feels about it.

She shoots it. She turns Pete over and she's like, oops. This isn't really relevant to the plot at this. point. I mean, I'm glad he's dead, because I don't have to explain the plan again. I won't have to explain the plot anymore. Yeah. Well, Pete, that was the plan. So from there, we cut to Ted. He's at his church and he's giving yet another sermon. And then Terry shows up with a very conspicuous purse. And we know it's conspicuous from the extremely long slow-mo-shot of her holding her purse up like to the camera to be like,

huh? It's big. There's a gun in there. Gun. Okay. But this was almost my best best best. Best, best church usher. Okay.

Great. Because she is trying to do Fem Fetal has a gun, right? The cameras, she's in close up. She's reaching dangerously into her purse. And the usher is like, hi, welcome to church. Would you like a buy? Would you like a Bible against your face? Do you want to hear?

Here's the program and the Bible and there's a ceremonial cross. Here's a little hat. She's just sitting there like. Soutily like trying to take it out. And he's like, hi, do you want a Bible? Here you go. And she's like, okay, nope. And then just to do it again.

Would you prefer to be in the fourth or fifth row? You can whisper back to me. Which road do you want to be in? Oh, you know, actually. if you move in a few seats, you'll hear better. You'll hear better. Not there. See, that's where Mr. Davis has church breath.

You don't want to hear this one. Exactly. Okay, so yeah, the usher is confused by her very conspicuous purse, whatever. We move past it. And now we see Ted walking home by himself after his service. And he's thinking about, you know, the two murders he did. Not really, but he thinks he's done a couple of murders now. So he's attempted to murder.

Yeah. Yeah. And then just as he's walking through a graveyard with a shovel sticking out of the dirt, like an active graveyard where people were just like, ah, fuck it. We'll finish this tomorrow. Deus X shovel. Yeah. Yeah.

We get a Dei SX shovel. And Terry shows up. And I guess that's smart timing because she brought her gun. She didn't get a chance to shoot him during the service. so she followed him and now she's going to confront him. Right. And again, he acts like she's the best.

She just tried to murder her. Yeah. I know she was very mean and she blackmailed him while she was fucking him multiple times and that's not good. I'm not saying anybody's the hero here. What I'm saying is

he acts like she is the pure villain and he did not just try to drown her. She was the one who got wronged first. I think she's the hero. Yes. Correct. Justice for Terry. She's like, yeah, you tried to kill me.

I'm pretty sure a shout, not asshole. And he's like, also she's doing what she can to get money in a world where she can't even have a fucking credit card or a bank account. So I don't know, you do you, girl. For like another 15 years she can't have a credit. It's insane.

Blackmail is feminism. Right. So, yeah, she's like, hey, thou shalt. This episode has been brought to you by blackmail. Blackmail. Damn it. Now we're sponsored by vaginas and blackmail. So many.

We're going to make so much. Your listeners already think you have blackmail on a lot of your repeat guests. We do have a blackmail on a lot of our repeat guests. It's either website threats or blackmail. There's only a couple ways to get people coming back. Right. So this is where Ted and the movie, they try to defend Ted. And she's like, yeah, that's a fucking shout not.

And he's like, I don't know. I think that was technically the devil inside of me. It doesn't really count. And she's like, yeah, well, I have a gun. You better start praying and you better make it good. And before he even has a chance to do anything, she shoots him. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, Terry, you do it, girl.

Yeah. Yeah, I like that she didn't give him a chance. Yeah. I would have enjoyed it if he got like two words of his prayer out and then she shot him just before the magic happens. I would have liked her to make fun of him preaching again. I really enjoyed that. Yeah. Mock him a little bit.

Yeah. Absolutely. Interrupt, start saying numbers so that he does it wrong, ends up in a different heaven. And Buddha, shit. Flying spaghetti monster. Yes, exactly. Right, but she shoots him twice, but the Bible blocks it. It wasn't the breast pocket Bible, but he was just like apparently holding it exactly where shot.

Yeah. And I was like, okay, probably just, you know, shoot him again, maybe face this time. Sorry, one second. Yeah, right. Right. But it was a two-shooter of a gun, I suppose. Yeah. And we see women always forgetting to fully load their guns.

Am I right? She shot it twice at Pete already. That's why. And then I guess didn't have more bullets to reload. Frugal. Yeah. Fair enough. And we also see the bullet holes in the word holy.

But that's only four shots. Wouldn't this be a sixth shooter? Doesn't she have two more? You would think. She shot someone on the way. They cut that scene, but on the way, she just, yeah, she found somebody else. Got it.

Probably deserved it. She fucked him first and then she got. Good for her. You go, girl. She heard the vagina is herself lubricating. And she was like, why not? Right. But we see the bullet holes in the word holy.

in the Bible. I don't know if they did that on purpose to be clever with the homophones. Anyway, this is when Ted strangles her to death. On a cross. On a cross and ends it with Amen. And we get the

we get your best worst to me, the terrible shout of his face. Yep. It zooms in on his face as her body goes down. It's a upshot too. Yeah. It's yeah. He's strangling her. Her body goes down. His head tilts up. And his

eyes roll into the back of his head and he makes a little bit of like a moaning noise. And I'm sitting there going. Did he just orgasm? Like he starts to strangle her ankles now because of the foot that, yeah, it's really really exciting. New York Times writes a panic article about choking. See, this is what choking for those of you who don't know, though someone at the New York Times learned about choking this here and wrote an entire article about how scared they are. Wow, they are so many years late to the 17 magazine article about that. And that is not great.

You have to read the New York Times panic article about choking. Someone described choking, I don't know why, to their grandma. And their grandma's like, but that's how you die. It fuck. And then the gray lady was like, publish it. I was reading a great thing recently about why autoerotic asphyxiation became a thing sexually specifically for... Because it feels amazing.

There's an origin story that's known? Yes. Specifically for male body of people. And it has to do with... Back in the oldy days, when public hangings were a thing, you know, when... What?

When you get, when someone is hanged as the body dies, because your muscles, you know, you don't have control of them anymore, a lot of times those dead body would get boners. And people were like, oh, you just got to not do the death part

and it's probably awesome. Yep. Jesus Christ. And then they turned out to be right, which is weird. Okay, so Eli is telling us what his kink is. I'm not saying, I'm saying my kink.

I'm not saying there's just one, but yes, that is one of them. We refuse to be limited to one kink. I'm saying I'm a feeling human being. Eli is letting us know a kick of yes. I'm saying, and look, Noah gets mad and we want to talk about Otto Rada 6-6.

No plural kink shaming here. Thank you. Yes. And the official position of puzzle on a thunderstorm is to do it with a partner or have someone else choke you. It's true. Hey, no kink shaming from the lady who co-hose a queer and kinky film podcast. Exactly.

You want an intimacy coordinator for safety. You want an OSHA person there too. Yes. Unless it's heath, in which case, just go to town. Is it a work environment? And you got to have non-slip shoes. that's important. And a helmet.

High vision helmet. Okay. So he murders her. Back to this. You know what? Whatever. High vision helmets are the one kink will shame here.

I got off all this. All right. So I'm going to, I don't know. I was going to say segue. Like you can segue away from shit Eli's saying and it's going to make sense. That's fair. We're back with the movie.

He has. strangled her now, and he decides to throw Terry's body into the hole that was already there. The grave S-Machina. Yeah, that works out, the shovel X-Machina, grave-X-Machina. And he throws her stuff into the hole on top of her body. And then he's like, hold on, wait, wait. This newspaper clipping flew out of her pocket or whatever while that was happening. And he reads it, and he learns that he, well, if he read the whole thing, he would learn that he didn't,

kill the guy in the car accident because we got to see the article earlier and turns out that guy didn't die. But the movie is focused on him learning that Terry had like a trial on a Wednesday and that's the detail he reads out loud to himself. I didn't really understand why. Anyway, he throws that in there and then he's all the way in the ditch. He's doing weird fucking body motions inside the ditch. We can just see his like shoulders a little bit. The aside he's done with like two shovels of dirt. He has not covered this body or like filled in the hole at all. And he starts to walk away. And then he's like, no, no, that's stupid. I got to burn the marriage license too. So he takes out the paper with the marriage license and he burns it and then he throws

it in the hole. And he's like, now, now I'm done. Got it. Which what does that do? The marriage is still, it's still recorded. Yeah, that's not how marriages work. It's not a to lock, to lock situation. Yeah, it's not a magical item. It's not like Nancy Pelosi's gavel. Like, nothing happens there. It's still, the record of their union is still out there, but also it's null because she's dead. Yeah, you'd think. And it really seems like the graveyard people are going to notice the body that has like two shovels of dirt.

Uh-huh. I assume they were digging that grave for another body. Yeah. You'd guess. And they're going to show up the next day and be like, why is their, dirt here now. There's a dead lady in there with like a shovel and a half

of dirt on her. I can see her. Well, that's odd. All right, we'll cover her up. And also the ashes of a marriage license. Yeah. Probably a femme fetal. But he just walks away.

Ted walks away and goes back to his church. Classic Ted. To apologize to God. And ask God what to do. He's like, oh, Lord, I know I've made an oopsie by murdering a woman who I've spent this movie. doing wrong.

What should I do? And then God provides an answer. He kills him with a heart attack. Yes. And Ted's like, I get basically, he might as well turn to camera and go,

rock, it's a living. Yes. He says, thank you, God. Yeah. Yeah. And it's such a small heart attack, too. Just like that first one,

it was just like, ha, oh, a little, it was just for shatter. A little spasm in the chesty. All right. It was the foreshadowed heart attack. Yeah. But he's dead.

And I guess that's the end of the movie. That's the end of the movie. We're supposed to have learned something. But I think the movie is implying that his soul is now going to heaven because after he dies, the camera pans up. They pan to the sky. Yeah. This guy goes to heaven.

And really, it should pan down. So are they saying that like she broke the Seventh Commandment, but he was all good throughout? This movie's morality is. deeply unclear. Because she's an evil temptress. Yeah. There's nothing worse than a woman who is a temptress. How dare she be sexy?

How dare she lure him away from the righteous past? Everything he did is because of her. It's all her fault. She distracted him with those smooches. Yeah, exactly. That's actually their message. Okay. That is what this movie is.

Yep. Well, that's going to do it for our review of the Seventh and Seventh and Seventh Commandment. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we found another terrible movie. So Eli, what's on deck? Okay, I think I have this right. This is, beavers, am I correct that this is a Heathleton and Wright's Spectacular Choice? Um, I believe this is a fully religious movie called In the Blink of an Eye. Okay, so I'll, I'll read you the byline then. Three storylines spanning thousands of years, interstacked and reflect on hope, connection, and the circle of life from the 2017.

Blackless script by Colby Day. The author of Spaceman. Andrew Stanton, the author of Wally and Finding Nemo, constructs an... This is their IMDB thing. I am not making this up. Okay, what I think has happened is there's also a movie called In the Blink of an Eye that you're reading from.

That's different from... I must assume... If I remember correctly, it's on Pure Flix. It's like a David A.R. White movie, I think. Or like a Sorbo movie or something. Okay. So there was a movie that came out this year that has kind of medium reviews and it was

2026. It's called in the blink of an eye. Watch the Christian one. There's a Christian one somewhere. There's a Christian one. I'm now like 20% sure there's a Christian one. Or we're going to realize this mistake

and fix it and we'll have a You should be following us on Facebook anyways. This is how you find out. We'll tell you know that I got this wrong. Not the Sundance one. Which is very possible. Blake of an eye. Like of an eye.

So with some. something to look forward to next week. We're going to bring episode 559 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Amanda for joining us. And Amanda, for anyone who's new, where can they hear more from you? You can hear me podcasting on pleasers and punishers where we cover movies. People love to watch. Movies that ruin your today, tomorrow, and yesterday. And all things kinky and clear. You can also hear me on murder made fiction where we take a look at film and television adaptation. of true crime, and you can also hear me on just the general film podcast. Don't be crazy. Fantastic. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com

slash godawful. You can dance right now. Eli likes to dance during this moment. I dance. Amanda, I don't feel comfortable asking you to dance. I'm just letting you know that I'm dancing. Then I'll get your early access to an ad-free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show. Be sure to check out our sibling shows The Scythian Atheist Citation Needed, The Skeptocrat and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God-awful Movies at gmail.com. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slonick of the Diff's on Mars, while other music was written and performed by our audio engineer,

Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk your life this week. For Amanda and Eli, I'm Heath, promising to work hard to turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Terry became a hell priestess and got to torture shitty men for all eternity. Good for her. Yeah. The god of the universe eventually made a pivot to short form video because the algorithm is really powerful. Terry, Ted, and Pete were all in the same orientation group in hell and it was really awkward.

And can I say, at the outset, Lynn, we are so grateful that you are playing a dangerous femme fatale. Of course. So, it was her line. It was her line. Sorry. It comes up as a similar color to what I expected to be. And when I said femme fatale,

Heath's instincts were just to sort of dive in. I get it. Yeah. Well, you said femme fatale and not femcetus. Yeah. I won't fuck it up again. I will be keeping that footage of you saying, of course, very enthusiastically.

Salmon color. Just stealing lines from the only thing. That fits with this movie. Yeah. Nice. Got in your head about it. I could tell you were in your head about it. It's tough to follow the performance.

Understandable. All right. Amanda is in the color that's that one and I'm not in this. So it doesn't matter. I will go fuck myself. Keith, do you want Amanda's part? You got to talk to me about casting before we start recording, buddy.

You guys talk to me about casting. Eli, will you join me? Off to the side. I speak to you in the private room of the Whispersibusory. We've got interstitial three and Morgan, you can just mute my fucking track and they'll do it. This content is scanned credentialed

which means you can report instances of harassment abuse or other harm to their hotline at 617249455 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026, all rights reserved.