God Awful Movies - 560: In the Blink of an Eye (2009)

Episode Date: June 9, 2026

This week, Cecil Cicirello joins us for an atheist review of In the Blink of an Eye, in which David AR White tries to trick people into being Christian with his sweet wrist control and washboard abs.---Check out more from Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance and the Know Rogan Experience---If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

But then that leaves Larry and David A. R. White alone, right? And this is where Larry explains that he thinks maybe this is a God thing. God does actually do Dreams of Mystery. I've read that in a couple of sources. Dreams, I've heard that before, dreams of mystery. You know who's a great source for stuff on this? John Hagey. He predicts the shit out of things.

He's on point with predictions. Man, I thought we were done with war crimes when we mentioned I ran. But no, John Hagey. He's going to make an appearance. God-awful movie. Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema with gusto.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left as my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. We got David A.R. White. He do. I'm so excited. It's always great to have him on this show.

He's so sad and wet. He's down. He's always down. Desperately grasping a simpler time when he also wasn't very successful. Now, Eli is off this week, but in his stead, I'm excited to welcome in veteran guest masochist and the co-host of the No Rogan Experience and Cognitive Dissol. Cicel, welcome back.

Hey, thanks for having me. I thought you guys would have tore through all the David A.R. White movies by now. How do you find this gem? His oeuvre is large. It is. Caliente. It is. You can see it through his pants in this one.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched in the blink of an eye, the 2009 one, not the more recent one that was very confusing at the end of last week's episode. It's the story of David A.R. White, finding a way to rent a boat and some jet skis and get a tax right off from God. Absolutely. Amazing. And C.S. How bad was this tax write off? If you wish the Groundhog and Groundhog Day was Pastor John Hagey. telling you that what a danger

Iran is, you're going to love this movie. I mean, this movie is made for you. Cecil's not just saying crazy things. Those will both be brought up in the movie. It's amazing. Yeah, I mean, there's no groundhog. But other than that, it's all there. What I love is the bait and switch in this film, right?

So it's the most deceptive description that we've ever seen on Gamp. Here is how this movie was presented. Just keep this in mind throughout everything that we describe. Quote, after police detectives save a pop star, her manager invites them for a weekend in Mexico on his yacht. But the perfect vacation turns to terror when his wife and friends go missing. Bump, does not sound like a fucking rapture groundhog day at all.

Nope. Never guessed that from the description. Okay, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best, it being the worst hat? Best worst, this movie is couples therapy gone wrong. For David A.R. White and Andrea Logan, I'm pretty sure. because they have divorced, and there's so many. Like, the movie wants to be prophetic and talk about biblical prophecy,

but this movie, in real life, is doing prophecy about this marriage, crumbling to the ground. It's so good. Isn't it? And what's amazing, you know, Cecil was talking about how is there one of these movies that you haven't watched it? Imagine how much less fun this would have been

if we'd watched it five, six years ago, before they got divorced, right? Like, everything is so much better in that, in retrospect. Yeah, it's just like you can see the right. on the wall the whole time. He tries to adjudicate couples therapy stuff in his favor in the script that he wrote. Yeah, it's amazing.

It's really good. All right. So I'm going to go with Best Worst Pop Star. This 35-year-old woman, she's like, no, I'll just put a little streak of red in my hair. And I. No, she's a bad girl. Yeah, that and Best Worst Pop song. Well, that too, yeah.

They play that over and over. And that's just a club in this movie. I'm going to go with. Best Worst Geopolitics Tangent scene out of nowhere. Nowhere. Everybody's notes around that scene are like, what the fuck is happening right now?

Yep. Surely this will come back. Surely this is hamfistedly setting something else. It is, by the way, and I'm excited to talk about it. Yeah. All right. Well, we've got the exact same thing to talk about over and over again after this break.

So we need to pause for a strategy session, but we'll be back in a minute with all the repetitive bullshit. it is in the blink of an eye. Hey, podcast listener. Do you have trouble hearing the voices when watching movies or TV shows? With modern day films and shows, more and more people are having to use subtitles or crank the volume just to understand what the actors are saying, even if they don't have hearing problems.

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struggle with voices on TV, visit zvox.com and check out their lineup of Acuvoice soundbars. They offer a 60-day home trial plus free shipping. And right now, God awful movies. Listeners can save 20% on any new soundbar by using the code awful at checkout. Makes a great Father's Day or birthday gift to. ZVox, because the dialogue in pickleball, princess is way too important to miss. All right, everybody, welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for In the Blink of Nye, in which we hopefully trick some people who want to watch a low-budget knockoff of taken into being Christian. All right.

Amen. And, of course, joining us in our writing team is Christian movie star David A.R. White. I think it's just movie star. No, no, it isn't. And that, by the way, of course, is his lovely wife, Andrea Logan White. Wife for the time being. Sorry, what, babe? I just said cough, cough.

No, no, I thought there were words in there. Now, David, I understand you had some ideas for the movie. Boat. Yes, boat. I'm sorry? Yeah, I do have ideas for the movie. That's it. I like boats, so boat.

Okay. And jet skis, yeah, also. So your ideas for the movie are boat and jet skis? Oh, yeah, okay. And maybe there could be like a sexy pop star lady who's like, you know, kind of into me. because I saved her life. And she's looking for a way to repay me. Only if she's frumpy and she's clearly like a 36-year-old.

Fine, yeah. This movie is going to suck. Freesome? And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open up on a lady asking God to please help her. But I think we all know that the part of God will be played by David A.R. White in this instance. Yeah. This is the really, like, sweaty lady in the,

that with her mascara running in the back, she's clearly in duress in this scene. We want to make sure we establish that as much as possible. Yeah, she's in duress. And then the problem of evil, the character is like, shut up and he gags her.

And then like this VO comes up and it goes, how lazily can I exposit guys? And answers, apparently this girl, Lindsay, is some kind of pop star. That's amazing. It's amazing.

She has a character backstory that somebody may have. have written and we won't use necessarily because Sid Field says to do that. It doesn't matter. She's a hot star. Hold on. I need to squint because I have to look at the screen on my Blackberry. Right.

Yes. Yeah, exactly. So Davey and his cop partner, this is Larry, they're driving around. They've got a tip about this missing kidnapped pop star he's reading about it on his blackberry. Got a hot tip, guys. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, do you think she's alive? And the partner goes, well, you got to have faith.

And Davey goes, oh, do you always have to. talk about religion every time we have a fucking conversation. You shut the fuck. That's all. That's what we sell. Yeah, yeah. We said. He knew what we were going to say. He knew already.

So to be clear, these are two cops looking for a kidnapping victim and they think they have a lead and they drive out to this weird trailer and they park right next to it and then they have like a three-minute conversation without getting out and investigating.

About Jesus and Yeah, right. And then the moment they're about to finally get out, I wanted to be like, Pip, Pip, Pip. Oh, fuck. All right. Denny's. And credits slowly roll.

I could go for a slam. Wait a no. But he sees a red shoe, right? So they know, like, sums up. Yeah. Then we see somebody, like, moving hastily in the dark behind them. Yeah. Kidnappers do weird shit.

They like to just sprinting back forth and be like, oh, yeah. You know, just to taunt you a little bit. Yeah, exactly. But then he jumps off the rule. on to David A. R. White, and as he does it, he yells, you're trespassing.

I love that he fucking crawls across gravel like Frankenstein in the background when he scurries. He's like, but he somehow climbs the rustiest trailer in existence without making a sound. Yeah, right. It's like a fucking ninja gate.

He just throws his grappling hook up there and scurries up to the top. So, but he gets, David A.R. White, he shoots at Larry and he runs off. So they give chase. David turns the corner and immediately gets shot. He totally catches one right in the chest.

Worst cop ever. Worst cop awareness, too, ever. He literally opens his body up like he's on the front of the boat in Titanic. Shoot me. It's like he used to be a waiter and he's like, corner, Pip! Right. Right. So yeah, but he gets bloodlessly

shot and now like Larry and the kidnapper are having a standoff, but David draws his gun and shoots him from the ground because it turns out that his Blackberry stopped the bullet. The old Blackberry in the breast pocket. Yeah.

Really felt like an ad, like a product placement for Black. Right? Felt you should have been to Nokia, but yeah. So, okay, so then we cut to like the crime scene now that all the backup has arrived and everything. And Larry is telling him, I think God had plans for you. I think that Blackberry thing was a miracle.

He's like, you only get to use that if it's a Bible, man. You can't just everything can't be your guy. The best part of this scene is when it first starts, there's obviously the very slow one mile an hour that you're allowed to do on a studio set of the cop pulling in, and then you hear the siren that is clearly canned. And then they show a person talking to the lady who was just kidnapped. They're just talking and having a conversation.

And then they pan over to David A.R. White. And him and the guy who's interrogating the lady was just kidnapped are wearing the exact same t-shirt and the exact same coat and the exact same pants. It's like undercover cop uniform. They have to wear together. It looks amazing. So the reality of it is almost certainly this is his stunt double or something. And they just need somebody. Stunt double and extra in the credits.

Right. Thank you very much. And he does get to eat crafty. I am detective number three. Thank you. And what I love about it the most is that it just feels like, you know, like this character has a stalker, right? He's like, what was David A.R.

We're wearing today. I'm going to wear it. Yeah. I want to be cool like him. So, okay. So then Officer Captain Eric Roberts comes staggering into frame. E.R. I think.

Love it. Honestly, I think he's been in more gam movies than any other actor at this point. I recognize them too. I think I've seen him in other movies too that I've done here on this show. So fucking many of our movies. Yeah. Yeah. And he immediately screams like,

you're a loose. Give me a badge and you've got. It's one of those moments. Or they're like, yeah. Hey, Captain, do you want some Neatsfoot oil for your face? You're very leathery. Just, I can make it a little more supple.

You work it in every night. You put a rubber band around it. Put yourself under your mattress with a baseball next to your face. So, yeah, but Eric Roberts is mad at him for killing the bad guy, but he's okay because they saved the girl, right? And then the pop star, the 35-year-old pop star's boyfriend shows up, right?

And as he shows up, the captain goes, this guy is a criminal. I've been trying to nail him for years is his character. Yeah, and you're like, hey, captain, he's standing right next to you. You realize you're telling me this, he's a foot away from it. That's because they can't, they can't block out the scene any different. Right, yeah. They're on a very small set. Yeah, exactly.

They can't change it. So, but he's like, he comes up. He's like, thank you for helping my girlfriend and getting her rescued and everything. I wish there was some way I could repay you. Anyway, I want to go on your yacht. Okay. All right, man. I want you asked and I, that's my answer is your yacht.

A lot like soliciting a bribe, didn't it? You know? Oh, man. You know, the pro move is to ask for three more wishes. Anyway, that's stupid. Oh, that's even better. God. I was going to say, I'm going to do this from now on.

Like, you never think to do it when somebody's like, if there's anything. I can do to help. I'm just going to come up with very specific annoying shit. Do you have a boat? Yeah.

So, so. How much money is in your wallet right now if you're doing honest? You just, you just quietly pull your wallet out

and pull a condom out. You have Venmo, right? So, is this, the guys, that you're like, obviously.

Obviously. So he's like, so yeah, no, okay, all right, you can come on my, my,

plane, he'll pick you up on Thursday. And then he goes to leave and David A.R. White turns to Captain Eric Roberts and says, I'll find out if he's doing any crimes on the yacht will be the plot of this movie. Perfect. It would have been awesome if one of these guys took the chief as their plus one. Oh, that would have been amazing, right? That's how you get them in. Oh, did we say plus one? Did we read it?

So that was plus two, yeah. So then we cut to Davy and Larry pulling up at Kevin's private jet in their limousine. or whatever, and they brought their wives with them because obviously David A.R. White's wife wanted to go on the yacht trip and also have that written up. But like, if the plot of the movie is that they think this guy's a criminal doing crimes, why the fuck would they bring their wives? Babe, do you want to go to a murder thingy?

It's on a yacht, though. We may have like a jet ski day? What do you say? No, they might have several in a row. So, but then, yeah, we see them getting out with the wives. And we're like, oh, yep, you can. see that she hates him right now that you know. Immediately hates him so much.

You can smell the hate through the movie screen. You can just see it in her posture how exhausted she is. Yes. And then fucking eight minutes and 42 seconds into the movie, the credits start. Like the title guy was like, oh, fuck, God, Jesus. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys. I had said it for PM.

We also meet a very important character. Yeah, I was going to say there's a very important character. We are slow. We are very much glossing over here. I think his name's Ethan, which is a terrible pick for it. He's supposed to be Kevin's rich friend and like music collaborator a little bit too. Yeah. Maybe.

But he gets hang around. He pulls up next to the private jet in his fancy sports car, whatever. He gets out. He's got just the chin puff. Yeah. The goat team at no top. Big puppy chin. And I was like, smash mouth.

It's in the movie. This is the best. You were smash mouth forever now. Hey now, it's jet plane. Let's get it on. So then they head to this yacht. Now, of course, the whole point of making this fucking movie is that they wanted a yacht, right? And they couldn't afford one, so they wrote it off with the movie.

But it's the tiniest little yacht you've ever seen. It's just adorable. It could make it on its own. It's just yacht-y-mig yacht faces. This is a yachtlet at best. It is. It is a yacht. I mean, like, legitimately, I have been on a bigger yacht in my life.

time, right? Also, you've also seen the bed spread on the bed here because it's in every single like bed and breakfast in the United States because it hides stains real well. This is shiny. Is this Teflon? Weird. I guess it's good. Grandma still left the plastic on the bed. Okay. It's easier to claim. And there's also a little squeege you it off. Like a montage of Mexican poverty, right? Where we see. Oh, yeah. Out of nowhere. Yeah. Yeah. And one. guy. I think just a random, somebody like video bombed this little

moment. It was like, I'm a furry in Mexico. I have my mask on. What the fuck was that? And he just walks right through the scene. Yeah. So, okay, just two other notes on this and then we'll move on. Number one is that they shoot the yacht with a fish eye lens at one point to make it look bigger. And the second is the title for the fucking movie in the blink of an eye is in Times

New Roman. Totally is. 100%. They didn't even bother to like italicize it either. It's just nothing. Okay. So, So they get into their little mini yacht. And so the banter in this movie, just like when they, these writers are called upon to just have conversation in the film, it's always insane. Right?

Because Smashmouth goes like, so have you ever arrested any rap stars? Because rap stars are black and they get arrested a lot. Racist, dude. That's not the last rap is bad. No. Reference, that'll lead into other things. Larry the cop is black just for the record. I know.

He's like standing right. there. And then we got, so we have Captain, we meet Captain Brown, the captain of the yacht, right? He shows Davy and Andrew to the room. And she goes, oh, I wish I had this much room in my bedroom back home. And I'm like, oh, you wrote that line before you knew how small the yacht you were going to get was. Yeah, it's a really cramped yacht. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I wish I could touch the walls at home by reaching out my arms. Yeah. I also wish our house was bigger in real life, David A.L. White. When the captain came on,

I first thought he was that that judge from that one movie we watched where he, the guy who failed at ICE, whatever his name is, I don't even think Superman. You know I'm talking about right.

Dean Kane? Yeah, Dean Kane. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. I was like, that's Dean Kane. He looks kind of like him. He's kind of got the Dean Kane thing. Yeah.

But he was, he was heavy. I think Dean Kane was a little slimmer back. Probably. In the tens. Yeah, in the tens. Yeah, he was doing Superman. Dean Kane is now, he's allergic to himself. It looks like an allergic reaction to himself.

It does. It really does. So, okay. So we get, they set out. We get Andrea and David standing on the bow wondering if there's going to be a plot or anything. And that's when Kevin and Lindsay show up, the pop star and her boyfriend. This is the best. The dude's eyes are like on each side of his head.

I can't even describe how that guy looks when every time he's on the screen, he looks. He looks like... Custation life. He looks like fucking jar jar binks. Like he has two eyes. One on either side. Like you can't... He has 300 and he's like goat.

Like you know how the goats have 360 degree vision or whatever? He's got like 360 degree vision. It's insane. Like he was a prey animal. Yeah, exactly. Like a prey animal for evolution. He evolved that way. Yeah.

So, but this is where we get our first opportunity to really meet the character of Lindsay, who still I don't think it's a single goddamn line. Yeah, no. They're like, we are a big fan of your song. Yeah. Like they very specifically didn't even listen to any of her work. David A.R. Maybe she actually has like a song on YouTube once and David A.R. White in real life was like,

you're pretty stupid. I like, my wife likes your song. And Lindsay appreciates that. And she's nice to David A.R. White for a second. And then Andrew Luggett gets mad. She's like, oh, it looks like you got a fan. It's like you've got a fan now. Looks like you're getting along real well with Lindsay.

Weird how much you like Lindsay and how much she likes you. I bet that's because she doesn't know you very well. So, okay. So that evening, we get Larry's wife asking Kevin if he's ever done gospel music. Kevin is the boyfriend who is a music producer, right? Why would you have the black girl asked their question? It feels automatically racist to start out. It is.

Because it's the least racist thing because everything else. in the other line in this scene is going to be more racist. No, no, no, no, no. It's proximity to other racism. Does not make it less racist, Noah. You can't use mascot theory to get out of racism. And then David A.R. White, just apropos of that they're like, no, you know, we do more rap. And David A.R. White goes, I don't like how violent the people who listen to rap are.

Jesus Christ. As soon as I saw the same thing my face, I was like, what the fuck? David A.R. White power, am I right? Yeah. Right. Oh my God. Smash mouth is like, we do urban poetry. Yes. Oh, in that case. And then David A. White hears that in his own script and he gets mad and he's like, I'm doing hot tics about rap now in the rest of this script.

All right. So then the guy goes, well, you can't blame violence on rap music. Just look at Iran. They're violent and they don't have rap. What? So much wrong. Of course they have fucking rap. Why would they not have rap? God, it was so good. Iran's been putting out amazing Lego rap.

That's true. Roasting the fuck out of the club administration. They're really good at it. Right. Yeah. And then Davey's like, oh, you thought that line was racist? He goes, well, that's because nothing rhymes with death to America. What?

And I'm like, Erica, dude. You're not even trying. South America. And also they'd be. rapping in Farsi if it was Iran. Exactly. Exactly. It's so fucking weird. Oh, it's so out of nowhere.

It's just out of nowhere. They sit down and they're thinking, oh, it's going to be like a back and forth about God for a second. Because somebody's going to say God and then other people are going to be like, God, stupid. And you're like, but God loves you. And then that's what I thought was going to go to. And they're like, oh, by the way, here's our geopolitical take out of nowhere. Oh, it's amazing.

And then it just like as if they're just trying to line up bad, takes for 2026. This was amazing. It was so good. Andrew goes, well, you know, it's really frightening to think of what would happen if the Iranian government got a nuclear missile. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, anything to prevent that, right?

Yeah. We definitely want to do that. And I think this is when Kevin, the bad guy to be clear. Yes. Is like, yeah, well, Israel's going to fly in and take out every nuke site they can. And I was like, yikes. And then the good guy, Larry, is like, I'm not so. sure. I think Iran would probably start a world war and fight Israel in the United States,

if anything. I was like, what the fuck? This movie is, what's the opposite of psychic? It's like an anti-psychic movie, which is kind of a power if you use it right. So much all caps in the notes at this point. It's so bad. The person who wrote the movie has to fake a call to get out of the fucking conversation. Ring, ring. I got to go, guys. Sorry, I got to take this. Yeah, Davey gets a call from Eric Roberts. And Eric tells him at this point that, like, he thinks that Kevin knows the guy who is the kidnapper, right? And he's like, I think he has something to do with that. And they're like, oh, will that ever matter to the movies?

Like, it's just shocking how little anything will matter to this movie. Oh, God. It's so little. It's just. But then fucking Andrea follows him out. And she's like, really? You're taking phone calls while we're on a yacht. And he's like, why would I not take phone calls?

I have to work in this movie, Andrea. We're in a movie now. People on phones who aren't me. So, and again, this is his lines, right, at the end of a shaky marriage. But then he's like, she storms off and Kevin comes out, right? And so the two of them are left alone. And Davy has to subtly hint that he now knows that Kevin is acquainted with the kidnapper before the kidnapping.

And he goes, so you know the kidnapper before the kidnapping. Worst poker face ever. To keep it subtle, man. Amazing. Amazing. So, okay, so that night, I shit you not. We cut to Davy and Larry playing checkers. Fucking amazing.

They chose checkers. I think, honestly, they've tried to do chess in Christian movies before, including David Arwhite. I'm sure. People were like, dude, what the fuck was wrong with that chess board? Checkers is easier to set up. You just put them on the square. It doesn't right.

The problem is that the chess board they're using is so well loved. It's warped. So if you see, it's like it's literally, it cannot sit. Like it can't sit on the table. It's constantly the place. He's set a piece and it just goes right to the center.

Yeah, the piece gets kinged just by placing it somewhere else. But yeah, the checker boards warped like, you know, that one penthouse you had that you found in the woods as a teenager? That's good, topical, they're looking at. Yeah. Yeah. The chess board opens and it's hard to open.

It's stuck together. Like, you're like, why is that doing that? The other thing, too, is that they're not sitting across from each other. So they're apparently playing 90 degree checker and they haven't turned the table. Yeah. What is that? Yeah. So fucking dumb.

The board just spins naturally because of the warp. It's just always. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a lazy Susan. You can't stop it from sitting anywhere. But they're talking about Davy's marriage and how it's not going great. And he's like, well, you know, you're just never going to make your wife happy with your secular ways. And he's like, yeah, you're right.

Christian people who devote their life to Jesus always have good marriage. You're right. This movie is anti-psychic. We like our marriage being alive. We like our marriage being alive. So, okay, but as they're having this conversation in another room, the wives are having a conversation where Suzette, that's Larry's wife, is telling Lori, that's Davy's wife. how she needs to become Christian in order to be happy. Right?

There's a piece of this where they're talking. I mean, she keeps on, she's very sort of whispery in the scene to tell her friend about Jesus. But there is a part of this where she says, she's like, you can't just say you love Jesus. You have to confess it with your mouth. And I was like, what is that mean?

That sounds a little late night. Like Jesus stands there. He's like, I would forgive you, but confess it with your mouth. to confess with you, man. You know what they say? It's not a religion. It's a relationship. You know what I mean? Come on.

Get in there. Jesus, man. So, yeah, but Suzette tells Lori, we have this goddamn conversation, which we have a lot in Christian movies, but all the time in David A. are white movies that they love so much where she has this whole, like, you know,

who is this Jesus character of whom you speak, right? She's like, you know, but Jesus died for your sins. And Lori's like, well, I haven't. I haven't done anything that bad. Great life. Yes, great answer. Like, I've done some mildly bad shit in my life,

but nothing remotely on the level of torture a guy to death and repentance for it. My accountant sometimes takes deductions they shouldn't. Okay, there you go. That's the worst I've done for jet skis and yachts. But other than that, it's nothing else. But Suzette goes like, well, I think you're forgetting about that time that lady ate that apple. She's like, oh, right, my period. Yes.

God, it's so slow these stupid Bible talking scenes. The movie screeches to a halt. All the movies we do have these long-ass moments like the worst possible wedding speech ever inside a movie several times on purpose. And you just have to be like, 2.5 speed. I wish we could do this at weddings. Yeah, right. And you wish that they would try to convert somebody who is not so easily converted.

Like I wish Smash Mouth was in the room with me at that point. And she was whisper talking to him. And he was like, dude, I want to do drugs right now. And then he wanders off. That would be more realistic. Yeah, exactly. But instead, she tells her all about John 316. Oh, we cut back to Larry and Davy long enough for their Big Bang jokes.

Oh, yeah. I live in. I don't believe in a Big Bang. I believe in a Big Bang. There's the universe. Wow. And that's what Big Bang means too. Amazing.

Stupid. It's a different automotapia, you know. Yeah. Also, David makes one checkers move, but out of the frame because they wanted to hedge it in case it didn't make sense. Because they've heard us talk about him playing chess before you. So yeah, but Andrea wants to be Christian. So she we believe praise for peace and thanks Jesus for dying on the cross for her. And then Larry wins at the checkers.

Yeah. And as he's walking out, he's like, hey, you know, you have a good night. And then he says something about the cross on his arm, which is obviously a cross, right? It's 100% across with a sharp end on the bottom. He's like, it's a dagger. And then he's soft. It's a manly thing.

It's a fake dagger tattoo. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, if we wait for the plot to break out before we take a break, the advertisers are going to complain. So we're going to take a break right here. But we'll be back in a minute with even more of in the blink of an eye. No, no.

other way around. Wait, I thought you said the crest should be on the left? No, it's based on the bearer's perspective, not the viewer's perspective. Oh, okay. That's confusing. And stop calling it the crest. It's a coat of arms. The crest is just the eagle part. Okay. This is so confusing. There's so much. It's not. Guys, what you're doing? Well, I'm trying to train Heath on the fine art of heraldry, Noah, but it's really not going so great, actually. Okay. Why? Well, apparently putting red directly on a blue field is like a sin or something? Oh, it's the only

rule of tincture, Keith, the golden rule of heraldry? I meant, why are you learning heraldry? Oh, because all the hidden fees and price hikes on my cell service. I just can't afford to communicate like I'm in the 21st century anymore. So I'm going

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$45 up front payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only, speeds lower above 40 gigs on the unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See MintMobile for details. All right. Awesome. There'll be so much cheaper to ignore Eli's messages now.

That's good. You guys want to send him pictures of all of us having fun together without him? Oh, yes. Let's get the waiter in here. He'll cry, probably. All right, everybody, welcome back to the writer's room. Today we're going to put together the first scene on the yacht. The yachtlet.

We've got David and Lori, Larry and Suzette, Kevin and Lindsay and the smash mouth, and they're going to have some witty banter about important political issues of the day. So what are we thinking for that? Rap music is fucking dumb. Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you. I only like it when rural people rhyme stuff. Same. Yep.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rap's dumb. Got it. We'll have the bad guys like rap. Yeah, we can have Kevin and Smashmouth mention how they do like urban poetry. And then David and Larry can totally roast urban poetry. Did you know people from Iran physically can't rhyme?

I heard about that. Yeah, yeah. No, that is a true fact about Iran. and its people. That's real. And yeah, we'll definitely work that in. Also, remember, we want to set up Larry as like a wise character who can kind of see into the future using his wisdom. You know what I mean? I heard you can calculate the end of the world and it's happening in September of 2015. Oh, is that because of the blood moons, right? Exactly, the blood moons, yeah. Nice. Nice. Okay, Larry can correctly predict the apocalypse for September of 2015.

That's definitely going to happen. So what else? Okay, maybe a finance tip. There's a made-off investment fund that never loses. Never. He could talk about that. Okay. Made off investment fund, writing that down. Can't lose.

Good. Okay, got it. The UK should leave the EU, and that would make them a bunch more money. I've always said that they should call it Ukexit. Great, okay. Yeah, yeah. You kegs it smart economics.

Just definitely smart thing to do. What about maybe one more? Iran is going to start a giant war against the United States and Israel because a diplomatic deal about Iran's nuclear program would be impossible, right? That would be impossible. It would be. Okay. That is perfect. This is great banter to establish the characters.

I think we nailed it. Hey, um, yeah. The women haven't said anything for the whole scene. Should we write anything for him or? No. We should not. That's stupid.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry. Get the fuck out. Make me a same. sandwich. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a scene that wouldn't even be worth talking about if it wasn't going to be the opening of this movie's time loop, right?

But it starts with Lori now waking David A.R. White up the following morning. Yeah. Yeah. And she does the thing like she's right up really close to him and waking him up and that's terrifying. It's like serial killer wake up. You just wake up and you're like, oh my God, you're so close to my face. And you're sharp.

This is a danger. Are you sleeping? Yeah, it's incredible. Jesus Christ. And we get this close up of David's face too, and his beard is rough. He looks like he's getting, like, chemo and radiation, but only on beard somehow, and it's all patchy. Jesus Christ. It's like either shave or don't, man.

You can't just, you like, don't quit hedging your butts. Beard cancer. So he goes in the bathroom so that we can see him shirtless. He's still fit. He's looking pretty good. They have to do this every time. every single time he wakes up, he does the exact same thing.

He's like, kind of like, I'm not flexing my pecks. What are you talking about? You're flexing my pecks. I keep my arms up like this. I always hold my arms at this angle. I always have my arms up. Stupid.

He's got to like turn to the side. There's no sagging. He's got to like turn to the side to see his bruise or whatever. So that really like flexes the abs. Really does. Yeah. And they did a good job of coloring

in those abs and making a little shadow underneath each one. They did a good job. Solid makeup work, I think. So then, So he comes out of the bathroom. He finds Lori Jesus journaling, right? Journaling.

Now, she doesn't tell him at this point that she's become Christian, right? That's important. But he gets a call from Captain Eric Roberts. And this is a moment in every cop drama where if they mention Interpol, you have to finish your drink. Oh, you just have to. Like 100%. You're right. So, okay.

I do it either way. Yeah. So he gets this phone call where he's like, yeah, I don't know anything that I didn't know before. Weird that I'd be calling you. Bye. Have a great time with your international criminal on board. Yes, with your wife. No worries.

Your friend and his wife. So they go outside and Larry and Suzette are in a little dingy and they're like, hey, we're going to, we're going to, we're going to, but they're like, we're going to head off to Bird Island and do some sightseeing, right? Yeah. And then they're like, you want to come along? And his wife looks at day and air white and does the very obvious, holds her hand next to her whispering and she's like,

and he's like, nope, we fuck it. Wait, boys. Right. But what's actually happening there is like, nah, we're gonna fix our marriage by fucking this one time. Maybe I'm not exactly sure. I'm gonna read my angry journal articles

to you on an island. Actually, if we want to write off those jet skis, we have to use them for six minutes in the movies. Yeah. Right. Because we actually get just a jet ski montage. Yes, we get a montage of them, Chatskying around, yeah.

Chatskis are so fun. Okay, to be honest, yeah, jet skis can fix a marriage. Like, you can't be unhappy. Like, that's the best. Not one, not a single jet ski. No, you got out of two. You can't have to fix a marriage.

Absolutely. One will just make it worse. Yeah. Yeah, one makes it worse. But they go to this beach and there's this moment where they like, they run together on the beach and he sort of tackles her into this. They do scamper. Like, yeah, the scamper.

And it's funny because he tackles her into this, this towel, right? Fucking spears her. It's like, too hard. It's too hard. He tries to do the, like tackle, now we're tickling sex. And it all has, it's too hard on the tackle. And then the segue is too fast.

He's got her in a headlock near the end of the thing. You're like, no, no, no, no. Well, what's amazing to us, because I don't know about you guys, but I'm at one and a half speed at this point. It looks like he just fucking refrigerator parried that woman. Strokes her from the side. Like you hear the ESPN, boom, you know what I mean? So, yeah.

Jacked up. She says, you know, but. I love you more now than I did before because I'm... Well, she doesn't explain that... Again, she doesn't explain that she's Christian, but she explains it. It's like she loves him more now and she's had an epiphany or whatever.

Yeah, she says it backwards, though, because she has CTE from the tackle. No, well, obviously, right, right, yeah. But she brought sandwiches and he's like, I was not thinking sandwiches. I mean, I was thinking roast beef, but... Exactly. Anyone thinking ham and turkey.

We can do and, yes, and sandwiches. Yes, I'm up with that. Yeah, right, right. Well, what's funny is if you imagine this scene, it's just him thinking he's going to get late over and over again and not getting laid. It's amazing, right? Oh, it's a way better movie.

And I do think of it like that. Right. And then she's like, well, you know, you want to lay back. And she's like, and play some Frisbee. Yes, let's play some Frisbee. Fuck, come on. Oh, I'm just going to put my head, my hands behind my head and lay back like this with me. And she's like, all right, I'll go look for seashells.

Will you take it now? What if I put my penis? right here. And then we do crochet together. God damn it. What? And then he can't leave the island because his balls are so blue. Right.

Yeah. Can't get back on the jet ski. Yeah. I'm going to need both jets skis. It's the jet ski back on his balls. He's just the whole way. Just bouncing. So, okay.

So, but then he falls asleep on the beach. And he wakes up to his watch alarm going off. Right? Yeah. Yeah. He wakes up and he looks around for one second. does not see Lori and immediately panics. Yes.

And then runs to his jet ski as fast as he can. Lori? Lori? The best part about that Lori screams, though, is they are at room tone. So he's just like, Lori. Right, yeah. Hey, Lori. Right.

Lori. Hey, Lori. And you're like, you're riding a jet ski on the ocean. Are you shaking cats food? Yeah. I don't think she's going to hear that. Well, she's under water. You rubbing your finger?

And there's also this amazing bit. Okay, so we see her footprints on the beach just end and we've seen 300. Throwing one set of footprints too. Right, yeah. She got kidnapped by somebody who flies.

But of course, Heath and I have seen 300 David A.R. White movies. We know immediately, oh, this is the rapture. But I wasn't sure if Cecil knew that. And as he's jet skiing back to the yacht, we see her bathing suit floating in the water. And I'm like, I wonder what Cecil thinks is

going on here now. I didn't catch that it was the rapture until the second time around. Oh, okay. So I didn't know that this was the rapture. I was just like, I just thought she just left. I was like, I don't know what about you is. I don't know.

And then like, when I saw the thing in there, I was like, oh, maybe she's getting busy with Smashmouth. Maybe her and Smash mouth are, you know what I mean? But no, she's floating up to heaven naked, according to their canon. With Larry and his wife, too. Because when he gets back to the yacht. They're obviously both naked too.

Right. We get back to the Yacht, Smashmouth tells him that Larry and Suzette are missing as well, right? He was on Bird Island when there was a sudden flash of light and they disappeared. Weird that he didn't mention that their clothes were still there. That was a crazy addition, you just added. There was a sudden flash of light and they disappeared. You saw that happen? No, no.

That's why they're not here? So he wasn't, he didn't actually see him disappear. Like they had gone around the corner and there's a flash of light. And he says, and the earth shook. I'm like, oh, really? Yeah, and there was an earthquake, great. Wow. And he's like, I was at, I was with the boat the whole time.

And I was listening, nobody asked, but I was listening to Kevin's slap and bops, the urban poetry, by the way. And everybody's like, are you doing an alibi right now? Well, and then so, and Captain Brown is like, well, maybe, um, since it's your wife and your friends, maybe you're an abusive piece of shit and they all like work this out as a way to get you away from her. I love how they all immediately like start speculating exactly what you're, And then they immediately blame David.

Right away. I think it's all your fault. Yeah, I mean, that seems like the right way to go. I mean, really, honestly, of all the people. Maybe your wife hates you because the vibes have been crazy on the set of this movie. That we're in. So Davey runs back to the room looking for clues. And I know that that's what he's supposed to be doing.

But for a second, it looks like he's checking to see if maybe Lori is in one of those drawers. Right? The thing is, it's a room you can touch either side. of so he can't really search much of it. Because when you walk in it, you're just like, yep, nobody's in here. And then that's the end of the entire search. So he's got to pretend to do something. Yeah, looking for close.

So then he goes to Larry and Suzette's room, which is the same room but mirrored. You know, and Lizzie has just followed him from room to room the whole time, you know, trying to figure out what it is. Now, at the same time that this is all going on, for whatever reason, the radio is not working. Or actually, the radio is working. right because every time they turn on the radio we can vaguely hear people going oh fuck there's some kind of rabble

I'm dying out here yeah it's fucking amazing so like crimes are happening right next to radios yes oh it's so good but what the best part about that whole thing is they turn the radio on you just hear fuck oh my god oh where is everybody and they're like nope nothing

yeah radio can shut the radio off selling that's nothing they're like this is the Amelia Rose clearly that's nothing I can hear the same sound we're all right here. I'm so tribulated. Oh, so good. So yeah. But then we get Davey.

He goes back to the island where Lori disappears, stomping around looking for clues there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So he jumps on the jet ski again because they got to get some more time on the jet ski. Yeah, right. And he does a donut before he leaves. Like, he might as well like dive, slide across the hood of the jet ski.

ski and then fall into the water and be like, well, that was nothing. Shit. Just give me a second. Give me a second. Oh, this is hard to climb back onto. Can throw me? Throw me a rope.

Throw me a rope. Oh, God. So then we pad the runtime a little bit by him, like remembering the last several scenes. Yeah. The best part is he just like, he gets to the island, and then he just walks to where the blanket is,

and they take a couple of golden hour shots, and then he falls down and goes to sleep. He takes a nap. He's like, all right. Well, that was a exhaustive search. I was like, man, you had a nap this afternoon. That's not what they mean by exhaustive search when you take a nap afterwards. It's not the same thing.

I like that he gets back to their spot and he sees the frisbee and he picks it up for a second. And he mopes with a frisbee. He's like, he's like fucking frisbee. An acting choice right now. Right. It takes a good actor to mope with a frisbee. This is his hamlet skull, right? It's holding it in an inset.

Frisbee. So, okay. So, but then, so he falls asleep on the blanket and groundhog days his way back to Lori waking him up that morning. So take two. Kill me. Okay. If you're in a groundhog day scenario and you know it now, I guess he doesn't know it for sure. But if you were in that scenario and you knew it, would you be able to just like go to sleep whenever you want to like redo it?

I don't know. Is that the like mechanic? Yeah, I don't know. It would be hard to fall asleep that long. Hmm. So he checks his silly bruises. and he shows us his abs some more, right? She journals some more.

And then he's like, hey, I had this weird dream that's obviously about the rapture, but I won't figure that out for an insanely long time. And then she has this like, I'm sorry for being such a bitch in our real marriage in real life kind of a monologue. This is the ultimate adjudication of the couples therapy to David writes for this.

And he has her say in the script, sorry for being so cold. Yes. This is my fault. You are validated in our relationship, basically. Almost exactly. I want to start over. She's looking at the script.

She's like, do you really want me to say, I'm sorry, my period blood ruins everything out loud? Like, you want me to say that? You wrote that? That feels? You typed that. Why? I don't know, David. So, yeah.

So the, I'm sorry. I just saw that Cecil's first note upon realizing this was a ground dog day situation was, oh God, someone killed me. I couldn't help myself. As soon as I saw,

I was like, she's like, David, David, I was like, oh, fuck, no,

don't do this to me. I don't want to do this over again. I'm waking up in a scenario where I have to watch David A. R. White movies over and over. Think of you guys got groundhog day.

Yeah, right, right. It's pretty funny if we just start the podcast on like the last scene right now. Oh yeah, there you go. Click it in a few times.

See how long it takes everybody to figure it out. So but David goes upstairs and he grabs the picnic basket and he's like, I can predict what kind of sandwiches are in there. And everybody's like, nobody gives this shit. He holds an envelope up to his head really quick like Karnak. Turkey and ham. Got you. That's pretty easy guesses.

We're not going to give you a baloney. Yeah, exactly. So yeah. And then he talks to Smashmouth, right? And he's like, hey, when you guys go to Bird Island, with Larry and Suzette today, make sure that nobody gets, you know, raptured. Just keep an eye on him the whole time.

Don't let him disappear on you. I was like, chill out, dude. What the fuck, bro? And then he runs away. It's so weird. Their interaction is crazy. So, and then they walk outside. Larry's out there.

He's like, man, you got to give God thanks on days like these. And I'm like, oh, really, what do you have to say to him when the weather sucks? It's not your fault. Yeah, right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the butt sacks. I'm sorry. So, but then, okay,

then we replay the Larian's who's at leaving, see we get more jet ski B-roll. Because, you know, they just can buy them out right if they need it for six or more minutes. David A.R. White in real life keeps cutting off Andrea Logan White during the Chatsky montage,

and she has to slow it out. He's such a fucking asshole. That's a little dick. But he takes her to a different beach this time. Different spot. Fuck you, Destiny. It's slightly down the beach. so it won't work for I will find something out.

So yeah, so they're having their bummer of a fucking picnic. The wind is way too strong for them to film this scene, but they filmed it anyway, right? And she's like babying the whole time. She's like, do you want a Blanky? Are you hungry in your tum-tum? Right. Do you want a baba?

Would you like napis? She's like asking him all these questions. Like, this is an adult, right? This is an adult human being. Exactly. But he's like, hey, you know, just point blank. Are you going to disappear later this afternoon with Larry and Suzette and a flash of light with an earthquake

and she's like, fucking what? Sorry, what? What are you talking about? Okay, follow up question. Do you ever think about leaving me in our marriage together? It's so rough. And then she has to lie to him. Acting.

But then they have this ridiculous talking past each other in moment where she wants to tell him that she's become a Christian, but he suspects that she's been with another man. Right? and then she's going to run off on him. And so he goes, is there someone else? And she goes, yeah. And it's Jesus, but she doesn't immediately follow up.

Is it Kevin Sorbo? I swear to God, if it's Kevin Sorbo, I will go crazy right now. The pause is perfect. It's so perfect. So, but before she can answer, Eric Roberts calls. Is it Dean Kane? You have to tell me if it's Dean Kane. We were in a movie together.

So he takes the call from Eric Roberts. I'm like, weird that you would take the call right now. right now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in the middle of a fight right now. Also, so the phones work. Earlier, they were like, no phones, no radio, but the phones work. He's taking a phone call. Well, remember, he forgot his phone. There was a really, like, conspicuous line where he's like, I can't believe I forgot my phone in the first. Oh, did they work it in? Yeah. Okay. With drawn, good writing. This is really, yes, very well-written movie. But so he tells him this time that Kevin is a money, the pop source boyfriend is a money launderer. And then while he's taking the phone call, Lori Jetskis

away because he can go fuck himself in fact. No, I know there's a free will ground hug they think happening. Oh, she's gone. Well, so he jumps on. And he has to chase her. Yeah, he's chasing on his jet ski and everything.

But then his watch alarm goes off. And apparently it is set to rapture. It is. Hey, Siri, tell me when the rapture happens. Tell me three minutes before. Actually, it would be way more useful. But yeah, but then like as he's chasing or she disappears and her clothes are floating around again

because you go to the rapture naked for movie purposes. So he goes back to the yacht. We play this scene out again, right? Yeah. He tells Kevin to call for Larian's who's at, but of course they've been raptured as well. And he's like, everybody's gone and he's like,

well, you know, your fucking yacht captain is a kidnapper. I heard that in the last scene. Eric Roberts also said that. And his response is the best. well, that's why I hired him because I hire the best. And you're just like, what is happening right now? Because he's a kidnapper. The best people, the best kidnapers, experienced.

Right. Think. So, yeah, but then we cut back to them trying to get the radio. We've got the people yelling in the background again. Help. Nope, nothing, guys. Can't get anything. Sorry.

Like, one of the people. The strangled cries. That's all I'm getting. I don't know. Is that static? What is that? One of the yells in the radio at this point is, end of the world.

End of the world. this here. What would that look like? Admittedly, I did get it was the rapture a little earlier than the end of the world. Oh, okay. Just a little earlier. Just a little earlier. Yeah, just a little earlier. Do you think we're in the

tribulation one where we have seven years? I don't know. It's the end of the world close, something. Is that an insect with armor on it? What is that? That thing has too many horns. It doesn't make sense for the number of crowns that it has. Where would the other three even go? Is this canon?

All right, but so he goes outside to huff about everybody being missing, and Lindsay catches him out on the deck, right? I'm sorry, he goes, he's like, hey, do you think prophetic dreams are real, or is that like just a lazy plot device? And she said, oh, do you mean like in Groundhog Day? Yes, those are real. Yes. That's her answer.

She goes, dreams of mystery, I think they're called. I'm like, what? That's true. Dreams of mystery. What the fuck does that mean? No fucking clue. But I feel like a lot of times I feel like David A.R. White is, you know, he's not talking to us. So maybe it doesn't matter if we don't know.

For sure. For sure. So then we have this like smash mouth gets back without Larry and Suzette. And we have the, you know, did your wife leave you to be a Christian throuple with Larry and Suzette scene again? Right. But this time they get into a fight. Oh, we get some David A.R. White risk control. karate.

Do he do? Slow motion, damp, wrist control karate. Fuck, yeah. Phenomenal. So he gets the gun. He runs off to take more pills because, you know,

nobody in a movie who has ever taken a pill isn't dangerously addicted to them. Oh, yeah. He's having, like, severe ibuprofen withdrawal. Absolutely. And you know he's the baddest

is because he crunches the ibuprofen and then twists his head. Yes, right. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you know it's bad. He goes to search the room again, and he goes, I've done this before. There's nothing here.

And I'm like, who are you talking to, David? Also, you can touch the wall. Of course, you've searched the room. You walked in it. You can't help but search that room. You could search it from the other side of the wall. It'd be fine. There's nothing in here.

So she's like, you know, Lindsay follows him in. And he's like, hey, is there anywhere on the yacht where Lori might be hiding? And I'm like, you saw her vanish, man. Why would you think that? It's such a weird thing. On the yachtlet. Yeah. So he goes to try the radio again.

A huge percent of this movie is just people chattering into rapture nonsense. This time we actually get somebody yelling, I think it might be nuclear weapons up on the, not sure. Like, you hear the nuke theory. The actual line is, I think it was nukes. Yeah. So, but then Kevin sneaks up behind David and knocks him unconscious. and then they kill him and throw him overboard. Yeah.

Right. And then in, because he fucking rogue lights back to the beginning and he's waking up again. Oh yeah. If you can't fall asleep, you can just like shoot yourself. Right. No, that'll get you there. Yeah. Yeah.

And Lori's waking him up again. And he goes, hey, what happened to you yesterday? And I'm like, come on, man. You still haven't figured this. It's a whole fucking plot. The whole thing. Right. Yeah.

He seems to be pretty sure now that he's like, he's like, no, Groundhog. day things are real for sure. This is a real dream of mystery because I learned about this during my last dream of mystery. Right. Mystery. Yeah.

But she doesn't believe him, but then he predicts exactly what's going to happen when Eric Roberts calls. He writes down exactly what Eric Roberts is going to set. Oh, yeah. Checkmate. But the thing he writes down is, try enjoying yourself while you're on vacation,

which is such a generic line. Why wouldn't it be something weird or that they'd have him right down. That could just be, that was just a prediction. He just writes down like, hey, David, it's Captain Jones. Right.

Yeah. Goodbye. Right. Talk to you later. Yeah. Huh? So long. Yeah.

So, but then he goes back and he psychics the sandwiches for her as further evidence. And I'm like, we already had that evidence, man. You've got to do different shit. But then, like, he goes outside and he's like, instead of going to Bird Island, Larry and Suzanne, I want you to come with us. this time, right? Smart. Yeah, and Larry and Suzanne are like, finally that fucking

Forsoom that's how you do it. That we came here for, but no. Well, three-sum, David, you can do whatever you want. Yeah, right, right, exactly. We're going to tag in Smash Mouse for you. You can do donuts in the Jetsky. Yeah, there you go. Huh?

Huh? Sounds fun. All right. Well, we've been through this shit enough that everybody deserves a break now, but first, let me give Axe 3 the hard sell. Will the same thing have? happen again? Will it happen again after that? Will it happen again after that? Find out the answers to this question over and over again when we return for the idiotic conclusions, plural of in the blink of an eye.

David? David, A.R. White? I was rooting for a Ned Ryerson so hard. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. My God, they all vanished. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, okay, no, I know, it's crazy. I'll get on the radio, everybody relax. Just give me a second to fire up the radio. Okay.

Okay, got it. Okay. Oh my God, our friends vanished. We need fucking hell. Please, for the love of God. Wait, wait, sorry. I wasn't holding the button down. Oh, do you have to actually hold the button down?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the only way when you hold it. It's the only way to go down. No, I think you do have to hold it. You don't. We're going to try it again. We're going to try it again. It's cool. It's cool.

Okay. Holding the button. Oh my God. Our friends vanished. Just really bad again. Fucking. Hell! Please for the love of God.

Wait. Oh my God. My finger slipped off the button. Dude. Seriously. Come on. Sorry. I just had wings.

I just now had, I'm wiping off the hands. Wipeing off the fingers. You're in your wings. Just give me a second. Okay. All right. I will not fuck it out. You think the sauce would make it stick here. Well, it depends on the sauce. But yes, it's a good point. Okay. I think I got it. Also, do you, so we're going to get back on in a second. Do you think we should give more information on the radio? Yeah, like, maybe we could be useful. Maybe we could like speculate about what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's throw out some guesses at least. So, um, what are we thinking? What happened?

It feels like a like a rapture. Oh, maybe, maybe a nuclear holocaust. Okay. Yeah. I was actually thinking the exact same things. Gotta be one of those two, right? It's definitely one of those two. So we'll mention both. Let's mention both. Yeah, sure, sure. All right, got it.

Okay, okay. I'm pressing it. Now. Oh, my God. Our friends all vanished. We didn't. Probably was a rapture. Well, maybe it was nooks, too.

Please, for the love of God, help. And cut. I think we got it. Oh, that was good stuff. We helped everybody. Yeah. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the gang all showing up to the beach together.

Right? Yeah. Now, once again, Lori wants to tell David A.R. White about her Christianity, but it has to wait until after the rapture again, right? Because in order to keep the plot going. And just a tiny little moment, she's like, hey, Dave, sorry I keep divorcing you in your psychic dreams. He's like, he says, I don't know what's going on, but I think Kevin is behind it.

And I'm like, you think Kevin stuck you in a time. Lube? How does that work? Do you think is going on? I feel like David like David, A.R. White, the real person watches this movie he made over and over and he's like, I think I'm a

fucking psychic. Like, I'm a real psychic. I called this. I knew she was going to divorce me. I called nukes and I ran. I called her divorce. So yeah, and then he's like, no, no, look, he knew the guy that kidnapped Lindsay.

You know, there's a picture of the two of them together. And I'm like, you're focused on the wrong thing, man. You're in a time loop. Yeah. But he's like, you know, you're all going to vanish. And Larry and Suzette are like, okay, whatever. We're going to wander off. Promise not to vanish.

But that leaves Larry and David A.R. White alone, right? And this is where Larry explains that he thinks maybe this is a God thing. God does actually do dreams of mystery. I've read that in a couple of sources. Dreams, I've heard that before. Dreams of mystery. You know who's a great source for stuff on this? John Hagee.

He predicts the shit out of things. He's on point with predictions. Man, I thought we were done with war crimes when we mentioned Iran. But no, John Hage is going to make an appearance. He goes, I've been reading this book by John Hagee. Have you ever heard of the rapture? And of course, David A.R.A. goes, no, I have not. I have somehow managed to make it as American in two.

2009 without having you heard about this goddamn ramshund. Jesus, man. Larry goes, well, you know, since 1948, several prophecies have come to pass. And he goes, well, what's significant about it in 1948? He says, the rebirth of Israel. And he goes, yeah, prophecies don't actually work unless Israel's a nation. Don't be stupid, David. Hold on.

Don't they have to get like a perfect red cow or something that has like no crimps in his hair? No, I don't think of a whole. You don't know. You don't know. Yeah, when you get that, it's like that little tachian. you pull up for the batteries to get something to work. That's how it is. So, but Dave, he's like,

rapture, smapsher, we got to go. He grabs Lori and he goes to drag her away, which is amazing in one and a half speed. Dude, it's so good. He trucks her earlier and then here he like literally pulls her arm out of her socket and she grabs her. Yeah. So, yeah, so he hustles him back to the boat.

And Lori's like, you know, like, let me help you be a Christian. And I'm like, you've been a Christian for eight fucking seconds, right? You don't know anything yet. He's like, I got to figure out what God's doing with all this stuff. And she's like, well, you can't figure out God's plan. It's too mysterious. It's a dream of mystery. Thank you very much.

Also, so let me just really drill down on how little attention they're paying to their own fucking movie, right? Because then at this point, Eric Roberts calls and they try to do a funny groundhog demo, right? Because Eric Robert calls and he goes, you haven't found anything. You're checking with Interpol. I got it. He hangs up, right? So that's supposed to be like he predicted. That's not what Eric Roberts was calling about at this point in the movie.

Right? That's the previous scene. Right. Yes. This is the call where he tells him that the guy, the captain of the boat was involved in a kidnapping and that Kevin was a money launcher. That's right. God doesn't do classical continuity sometimes. He's very mysterious.

It's mysterious. I didn't catch that either. I just said it. I love that. And it's better for the line, right? Because if he, otherwise he's calling just to say, you don't know anything. If he picks up the phone and he goes, you know, you've discovered that Kevin is a money launderer and Captain Brown was involved in a kidnapping and hangs up. The line works so much better too.

Yeah, so much better. Fucking lazy, dumbasses. Okay, you could just scroll up on the word document. Yes, you realize that. You read your own. Everybody hands down, no questions about the time loop, please. Oh, you know what it is? David's realized that if he reads what he's written, he'll just kill himself.

He's not allowed to. So, yeah, you know, Lori at this point says, you know, maybe everything would be fine if you were a Christian, you weren't taking pills. And I'm like, he's taking pain medicine for like getting shot, right? Like, that's what we've established. He's got this looks like his ribs look like he's been hit by a fucking truck. Like he's like taking Tylenol. What the fuck are you talking about? And then she's got this great moment.

She's like, hey, why do you keep dreaming of me disappearing? Are you subconsciously trying to get rid of me? And I'm like, okay, well, now in retrospect, that's fucking hilarious. It's a psychic defense mechanism, you don't know. Right, right. Okay, so then she locks herself in their state room, right? And we have this weird moment where what David wants to do now is he wants to gather everybody together right before the rapture happens so that all the people can see everybody disappear. Right?

So all the people who don't get raptured, that is. Yeah, right. But we don't know that that's what he's doing. And it takes a really long time. and there's like 31 steps to this process of getting everyone in the same room. Like one guy keeps leaving the room and coming back empty hand

that he's like, no, go back out and get the other guy. Yeah, right, for a different reason. And that guy spins around in a circle three times than then leaves. It's awesome. He's like a lost room bug. He just doesn't know what to do with his body

in the scene. Right. So, but eventually he gets everybody in the room together and his wristwatch goes off to let us know that the rapture's about to happen. Yeah. And then everybody, disappears.

And he's like, see, everybody disappeared. And they're like, well, we think you did it, obviously. So you just brought us all in here under false pretenses. Yeah. Smash mouth is like, you guys heard he had a rapture alarm on his watch. Like, that was ridiculous. Why would he have it set for this time, guys? And I'm like, yeah.

Why does it say prepare for rapture in three, two, one before it goes off? Why does it do that? So then, okay, so then Davey goes out onto the deck to talk to himself about how crazy he isn't. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Captain Brown shows up with a shotgun this time, right?

And he's like, what happened? How did you make all your friends disappear? And so he tells him about the time loop, right? And so I'm sorry, I have to pluck this little gem of dialogue out of the script directly. The dialogue in here is the worst dialogue ever written by a human being. It's so fucking bad. Like we deserve AI if we're going to allow this to be written, right? Absolutely.

A hundred percent. This is the actual exchange. Kevin says to David Arwight, he says, what's going on? And David says, your guess is as good as mine. And Kevin says, what if I guess you're behind it?

And David says, then it would be a bad guess. What that's... Why would you write that down and not... You just want to roll this script up and hit him in the nosegetter. Like he's a bad dog. I've written myself into a corner I wrote to myself.

What the fuck you just delete that? Do something else. You're in a time loop. You can just start over again in the movie. So, but then, so Davy and the captain start wrestling for the shotgun. And it goes off and wouldn't you know it, Lindsay gets shot in the scuffle. Oh, yeah. And then Smashelmelf forgets his lines because he keeps screaming, you shot her over and over and over again.

Yeah. He's trying to like act it better each time. Yeah, right. Like he thought they were going to take the best one. The pretzels making me thirsty? You shot her. No. You shot her.

No. You shot her? No. God, use the first one. It's so bad. He rushes up to Lindsay as she's dying and she goes, it's okay. It's all part of God's plan.

I'm becoming Christian now. And he's like, what? She's like, I saw it in Larry's notes. He's like, what? Sorry, I'm not allowed to comprehend things. It's in the script that says it right here. This is Larry the cops. cop notebook thing where you would write down, you know, leads and clues and stuff.

And he also wrote down like... John 316. Rapture question, right. And then so she dies and Kevin's like, how dare you? You killed my girlfriend. And he goes, you wanted her dead. That's why you hired that dude to go kidnap her. And that's literally his line.

Then he's like, yeah, that's what you're absolutely right. He confesses immediately. This is like an end of a CSI episode where I'm supposed to confess to you. It's like in the almost and everything. No, he's like, you're right. I did it. And he's like, why? And he's like, because her music would sell better if she was dead.

And I'm like, that doesn't he? She'd be able to sell more albums. She could make. More music than you other stuff. That's also famous after she dies, right? Oh, yeah. You know, you can definitely keep getting milk after you kill the cow for sure. Yeah, absolutely.

Obviously, it won't even struggle anymore. So. Yeah. So Davy holds everybody at gunpoint while he looks over Larry's notes to see what, you know, he wrote about this rapture shit. And he reads them out loud. Sure. Making everybody listen at gunpoint. He's like, I shall now recite it from this notebook.

It's the best. And Kevin is in a snit like his mom made him come the whole time. You know, he's just sitting there all Trumpian shit. Also, Smashmouth is pretending to be handcuffed. Yeah, he is. is he's not handcuffed. No. And there's,

nobody had handcuffs or anything. Hey, I handcuffed all of you, right? Yeah, no. I just, I thought for a second, I was like,

did I? Yeah. Did I turn the oven off? Okay. Back up while I read this out loud to you again. But then, but the captain guy, he gets the gun and he's like,

wait, don't shoot. David Arrowweight's like, don't shoot me. I think I've got it. And he's like, I don't care. And he shoots him.

Right. I thought to myself, if the movie ended right now and the credits roll. That's the greatest movie ever made. I would, this would be in my top 10. I'd be like, okay, Godfather, this, then Shawshank Redemption. I'd be like, all right, yeah.

I think all I have to do to go to heaven is convert, blam! Yes. Then he dies and it's over. Amazing. It would have been an amazing movie, but this movie no, we get him waking up at the beginning of the time loop again. But this time he knows what he needs to do, right? So his wife's like, David, wake up. And he goes, I know

this is going to sound weird, but can you get me a Bible? It does sound weird, yes. It does. So we cut to him having explained the plot to her again, and, you know, we conveniently explain away how he knows so much Christian shit because, you know, he read Larry's Bible one time. It was open on the desk. And those Bibles are just irresistible.

Yeah. So atheists. You know, when you walk into a room and, like, just the Bible, the movie's on, and you're like, yeah, let me sit down and watch at least a few scenes. Yeah. So then he goes to Larry and he tells Larry about his dreams too. And Larry tells him it's a dream prophecy again.

And he goes, do you want to become a Christian? And he's like, no, we're trying to hit an hour and a half runtime. We're not going to get there. But we're trying at least. So then he goes off to the island with Lori on the jet skis again. Yeah. Right. They're jet skiing with more sexual chemistry.

Absolutely. Yes. Kind of biblical and he gets it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Being biblical makes your wife want to fuck you this movie. Right, yeah.

It worked for David A.R. White, yeah. Sure did. Limited time only, but yes. But then we cut to her, like him having told her now about Larry, having told him about God, having told the prophets about the rapture or whatever. So many of the scenes in this movie start with everybody going like, so that's, now I'm all caught up, huh? I'm all caught up now.

I want to be clear. David A.R. White explains what's happening here and what's happening, according to the movie is it's, yes, definitely a dream-based prophecy from God and the God of the universe needed five tries. Yes. So far. And counting, yeah. But David's learned something here today. And just as he goes to explain it, we get the rapture beeps. But he hasn't invited Jesus into his heart yet. So she's going, he's not, he goes to grab her like he can see. snatch her back from Jesus just in time. Oh, it's the best. So good. Because he hears the alarm going off and he's like, wait, what the fuck? I laughed so

hard because the rapture was going to like jump ahead of him by a little bit. I explained too much. I'll explain a little bit less next time. God is like Lucy with the football for Christian people. Really? Yeah. All the time. It's the fucking greatest. He looks at this guy and he goes, what do you want me to do?

And I'm like, except Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior dude. I know that. I'm a fucking He's trying so hard to cry on camera. He's trying as hard as he can. He's weird. If he managed to tear at all, it was for his inability to actually summon a tear. Think about 50% ownership of Purefix, buddy. Yeah, right.

I'll make you cry. So then, so he wakes up at the beginning of the time loop again. And I want to point out that this time in the time loop, she's dressed different. Oh, I didn't catch this. Yeah. So up until this point, every time Andrea Logan White wakes him up, she's in a very conservative bathing suit, right? And she will be in that for the rest,

like all of the movie, right? Because it's a time loop. So over and over again, and believe me, I think it was less conservative the first time that he wrote it, right? But at this point, she's just in a wetsuit because, like,

the actress is like, I'm done with this shit, right? Oh, they just forgot. That's amazing. That's right. There's a wetsuit in this book. She's like, no, the time loop's different. He's like, how could the time loop be different?

She's like, the time loop's fucking different. Hands down, no question. Questions about time loops. We said that. Yes. But he apologizes for all the bad things that he's ever done. Sorry, quick question.

Did his bruise get better during one of the time loop? I think it was like the makeup was too bad on it for us to tell for sure, but I think it was supposed to be that the bruise was getting better every time. Oh, okay. Right? We kept seeing it over and over again. So for a second, I was like, oh, is the bruise like the Inception Top for his character in this thing? I think it is.

Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, so he goes to get the Bible. He apologizes for all the bad things he's ever done. And he tells, he goes to Larry and then we get the real Christian fantasy, right? Where he's like, hey, Larry, I just want to thank you for always bothering me about Jesus, no matter what the conversation was for all that time. I know I told you over and over again that I fucking hated you and I wanted you to die.

But in reality, I'm actually really happy that you did that every time we ever spoke. This technically is a blanket apology for everything. I'm just taking out my 12-step program list to get into heaven. Check. Yeah. That's on record. And then there is like, sorry, but you need to confess with your math. Yeah, right.

True forgiveness for me. So he's like, well, you know, what you need now is a personal relationship with Jesus. Who will also make you confesses your mouth? So then they pray together on the side of the bed like a couple of six-year-olds, right? I can't believe two grown-ass men are doing. in this. Oh, cute. Susette comes in.

They just took a bath. Yeah, right. Their hair's still wet. And Suzette comes out, you know, she sees them Christianing and she smiles knowingly. Oh. Right. She congratulates him on becoming Christian. So then he rushes off because he's got to quit Christianize Lindsay while there's still time.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Right. And he's like, hey, I have this Bible passage for you to read that's going to turn you Christian right away. I love the trick of high. A violating a Bible passage to trick someone into getting raptured up with Jesus. Like, all you have to do is read these magic words, but I can't tell you what they are. But if you read them, it's like fucking reading that that space Superman villains.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Mix the spit look or whatever. Yeah. Fuck, I said it. Yeah. God damn. So, yeah, but it's in it's John 360.

She reads John 316 and weeps with joy. You want me to say Beetlejuice three times? Is that what you said? Three times in a row? I think so. But yeah, he goes to catch up with Lori. And there's this great moment where she's like, well, you know, Larry and Susette got bored to waiting for you, so they've left.

And the reason for that is because the movie has to end with the two of them alone together. But like it creates this amazing image of where, like, he's finally joined Larry's religion, right, after years and years of it. And they're all going to go together to have some fun. And like nine seconds later, he's like, fuck, I'm not waiting for this asshole. So let's just, I got seals to take pictures. Anyway, see you guys later. Yeah. Go to Bird Island.

And then, okay, so he's like, all right, let's go jet ski and get raptured. But first, he's got to get a call from Eric Roberts. Oh, yeah. One last Eric Roberts scene. Yeah. He goes, hey, you sent me an email about how I should become a Christian. I'm not going to. So. Hey, all of us would reply the same way. I'm your boss. Don't send me religious propaganda.

to your fired credits. You actually have a meeting with HR. Yes, yeah. He goes, okay, don't worry. HR for cops. Come on. What are we talking about here? That's stupid.

He goes, enjoy the tribulation and don't take the mark. And Eric Roberts is like, who's Mark? So, and then we get a sunset kiss rapture, right? Like Davian, Andrea Logan White, arm and arm. Adorable. I want to point out that the rapture up to this point had not been happening at sunset. that. It had been happening in the middle of the afternoon, but this time. The afternoon. It was in the evening.

But he didn't know when it happened because he left his watch on board. Oh, that must be. It's like a whole thing. You know, you don't know what it's going to happen. Sometimes when you're editing, you forget to link the audio and the video when you're God and then it gets off. Yep. It's a little bit. Yeah. So, and then we cut to Eric Roberts having not gotten raptured. And we meet, I think, the guys from those radios, right? Yeah. Everybody's standing around going, it looks like a duke. Oh, my God.

Yeah. The world. When guy's got his hands above his head and he ran in a circle. So, and then we cut and we see that Lindsay made it out too in case you were worried. She became Christian at the last possible second. We know Lindsay made it out because at the end, the guy with the eyes on either side of his head is like, anybody's seen Lindsay and I can see everything. I can see anywhere at all times. And I can't see her.

But that's it. That's the film. And I guess that's going to do it. for our review of In the Blink of an Eye, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to start this time loop over again. So Heath, tell us what's on deck. Well, speaking of fucking time loops,

we're going to be watching another David A.R. White. Oh, being pretty sure. Amazing. Wow. It is called Mercy Streets. Oh, I bet it's going to be amazing. All right. So with more David A.R. White to look forward to. We're going to bring episode 560 on Merciful Close. Once again, a huge thanks to Cecil for helping us out today.

and be sure to check the show notes to hear more from him. And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review

and by sharing the show on all your various social media and if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows that's gay the citation needed D&D minus and the Skype for account available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you get email on godawful movies and Gmail. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Salat and we will drafts on Mars. all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. I'm an illusion's promise to work hard to earn another chunk. Nice week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Eric Roberts clearly took the mark of the beast on his forehead because he's weird,

and now he headbutts the scanner at checkout. I hate to see it. The yacht company did not return the deposit because of those stains on those sheets. That's all I'm saying. Andrea Logan White. would go on to take half that pure flux money. You go, girl. Amazing.

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