God Awful Movies - 563: Vanished: Left Behind: The Next Generation

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

The movie so nice they subtitled it twice.---Come see us live in Washington, DC on August 14th!: https://www.atlasarts.org/events/god-awful-movies/If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

Hey, did you hear? Watermelon is back at booster juice all summer long. Nice. I love the watermelon explosion. And the watermelon wave. Yep. They even got a new watermelon assaye bowl this year. The one in a melon bowl. And what does that sound like? Mmm. Like that. Booster Juice. Canadian born, blending since 1999. The buses are running world or you have a very...

dad on the side of the road. You don't bury dad on the side of road and then get on a bus. And then they get on a bus. Oh, where are you kids coming from? We buried our dad in the woods. In retrospect, we overreacted to the disappearance of

0.01% of the bus. Yeah, right, great. The internet was slow for like a couple hours, though. I didn't get bars for like 12 hours, so we joined the cup. Awful movie. Welcome back to the Gamecast

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema so that retirement will be better. I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright. Heath, welcome back. We got the rapture coming at us today. Oh, that's new. Having never seen a movie about this topic before.

Right. Should be interesting. My interest was piqued. Yeah. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli, Bosnick. Eli, how are you doing this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic Noah we're starting the kids now when finishing them as it turns out but we'll get there so normally when I find out that Eli's finishing kids it's a much more disturbing thing so you know what

I'm not even going down that road the cops are called you can hear the cyrus heard himself on the skateboard so tell us Heath what will we be breaking down today we watched vanished originally vanished left behind next generation. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Full clunky. It's the story of how the only problem with Atlas Shrugged was the atheism. Other than that. Yeah.

Other than that, all good. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the left behind movies, but you wish they contained more of the romantic stakes of Twilight and less of the afterlife stakes of the, the Christian worldview that these movies are based on. You will love this movie. This movie was the answer to the question,

hey, what's the laziest way we could do Christian Twilight? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And we've seen Christian Twilight where they're vampires. Exactly. So does anything you guys want to nominate this for being the best, to be in the worst hats? I'm going to go with Worst Worst-Wop Scare.

And it's such a, stupid tiny moment that doesn't matter at all. And that actually makes it worse. Yep. They do a pop scare with a black person. And the pop scare is, it's a black person. Yeah. Black person.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. It's just an extra. This could be anybody they did. Maybe they thought this was representation, but they did a pop scare with a black person. Yep. And they don't, you know what?

We'll talk about it when we'll get there. We'll get there. Because I have so much. I have a lot of notes as well. I'm going to go with. best, worst, inappropriately loud kid, right? So there's this little kid, Claire.

And every time Claire sees a character, she will yell their name. No, bad. They're constantly this movie, they're hiding the entire time. But as soon as she sees somebody, she'll yell, Tommy! And announced them like a fucking medieval crier. Yeah.

It was nice, though, because that's what my grandma did in the last few years of her life. So it was nice. I was like, oh, Betty. X-Tree. X-Try. guys hiding in closet here. Yeah, over here. Right. And I'm going to go with best, best villain death.

Oh, yes. Podcast listener, let me share the things that have made me laugh the hardest in the last month. Okay. The first is sharing time. I was opening the other day while we were on break between records. I was opening this box of Christian magic for a solid seven minutes while I struggled to find scissors. And then just as I opened it, he said, oh, I don't care about this call. And I think about that once a day and I laugh harder than I've ever laughed at anything in the world.

But I also think about this villain death. Oh, my God. Once a day since I have seen it and laugh harder than I've laughed at anything. So if you don't have Heath to tell you your struggle against a cardboard box was fruitless, then I highly recommend this villain death. Dude, when I saw the death of this, like, the first thought in my head was, oh, I'm so glad we do video now. All right. Well, it's been too damn long since we've checked in with the left behind a verse. So we're going to keep the break brief.

And we'll be back in a flash with all the subtitles that are vanished, left behind, next generation, etc. All right, everyone. I'm excited to start the first ever writer's room, meaning for vanished, left behind next generation. Wait. I thought it was called Left Behind the Kids. Nope. Couldn't call it that. But these movies are going to be based on the novellas.

I'm sorry, these movies? How many, many novellas are there? 40. Wow. 14 is a lot of books. No, no, I said it's 40, 40. Oh. That's too many books?

Yep. Sure is. Okay. So what happens? in this one? Well, the rapture. Yeah, and then the teens, they wander around and they find this prepper community. Oh, well, that's lucky. What you would think, but no, no, it's not because it turns out to be power mad atheists, so they have to all run away. Hey, okay, just out of curiosity, how many times during the 40 novellas do the teens in the series find what seems to be a nice

situation only to discover its mean atheists. About like 200, I think. Uh-huh. And how many of these movies do we want to make? As many as they will let us, Fred. So probably one then? Yeah, probably one. Let's set up sequels, though.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, hello, podcast listener. It's me, Melania Trump. And I'm Sarah Huckabee Sanders. and we have great news. Thanks to our donors, during this month's Matryon Pledge Drive,

we'll be doing a live show in our nation's capital on Friday, August 14th. That's right. The God Offer Movies crew are coming to Rock City for a live show that includes Japs, Chananagan's, where they've never been before. Want to hang with the crew? Why not buy a VIP ticket

for a special meet and greet with the cast after the show? Or a Plagenum ticket, which includes a night of dinner, drinks and games on Saturday. But that quickly, because those tickets always sell out super fast. Indeed they do, Melania. Indeed they do. So head on over to godawfulmovieslive.com

or check the link in the show notes for tickets. God awful movies live Friday, August 14th. This time, they're coming to us. Oh, I need to buy a new hat. Does it look insane? Yes. Nice. It does.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on not one, not two, but six production company names that we'll never see again. Nope. Took a lot of folks to get this one into the whirlton. Podcast listener, we are on episode 563. Do you know how badly your production company has to do that we haven't ever seen it again? Okay, so I saw one of the six, the triple horse we've seen before. But yeah, the other five of this one went put on.

I would like to raise money to fund their sequel to this. Oh, right. This was fun. Yeah. I can chip in $5 fundraiser over. Right. There you go. There you go.

So yeah, we see the logos. And we have this like, you know, this man, these five are logos are going to be the high point of the film kind of a moment. And then we get the title in which the subtitle has its own subtitle, right? Yeah.

Or maybe the subtitle, maybe there's a title, a super title and a subtitle. I don't know. I think they're just setting up like analogies for us, like ratios, that kind of thing. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. In case this is ever on the SATs, vanished is to left behind as next generation is to the kids.

There you go. Or maybe they were like, fellas, I just want something that can never be coded. Can we put a, can we make a title that'll just ruin any file structure that anyone ever has going about it? So we get their title and then we watch this teen girl walking through Chicago, you know, being a modern gal. The den of iniquity called main part of Chicago. Yeah.

The nicest parts of Chicago. Gentlemen, quick question. Because look, I don't always, I'm not always super in touch with reality. And I like to be doxastically open

to when I'm wrong. Is this opening song about how beautiful 16 year old child? It sure feels like it. There's moments where you just want to turn to the singer and go like, okay, dude.

just calm the fuck down, Jeff Epstein. Hey, I'll fuck you after the bonfire. I'm having a s'm having a s'm having a s'm just relax. I know that this is about a guy who meets a girl when she's 16, but he's definitely not 16 when he's singing this song. Yeah, right, right. Now. So maybe we go, maybe it's like,

and then we were 19 at the prom, and that's where I would like to care for my song. Can we bump it up to 20? 20. Okay. So we see this girl whose name I've already forgot in my life. It's Claire Gabby, right? So this is our main character Gabby.

And we meet her and her little sister, Claire, right? They go and they shop together and no candy bar for little sister. And she's very upset. Yeah. Big sister's like, chocolate's bad. Only healthy wonder bread. Yeah, right. And heads of lettuce.

Yes. And then her boyfriend slash best friend, Will she, won't she shows up asholy. This movie has no idea. The wonder bread of people shows up. Just fucking steals her phone. He's the kid that played the bully and the last couple of seasons of Stranger Things. Yes, he did.

He's moved up in the world since this one. Definitely moved up in the world from this. There's only one direction to go from this movie. By the way, thank you for establishing early that they are romantically interested in each other because siblings are fucking the perma Christian movie trope is big with these two. Right. So yeah.

So then we cut to like him and her and her bedroom chatting. He's making jokes about her rock collection. Yeah. So literally the sexual tension between them is so non-existent that this scene is about here is our relationship and how I feel about you

and how you feel about me. It's our promposal. But now, I want to talk about this intro, this opening shot, right? Because he's got a rock collection. And he is now admittedly, I do not know dinosaur words. Is he making up dinosaur words? He's making up rock words, yes. Is that because they don't know any real rock words? I think it's supposed to be him being.

He's charming. Charming. Yeah, exactly. Okay. I feel like there was like a big huddle. And everybody was like mitochondria, the powerhouse in the that's nothing.

You know what? He's doing a cute thing where he makes up words. It's adorable. He's like a B-teen Lanz-N model now. Just let him do it. He'll say stuff. Yeah.

So he's meeting with her family. We learned that they've been friends for a long time, but now they're going to prom together or homecoming together. And so maybe there's going to be a romantic relationship, but she's not so sure about that.

That's the plot of the movie. Guys, we started this show when we were much younger men. These stakes are much we're much we're all pushing 40. Can I say? I'm pushing from the other side of 40. You are pushing from the other side, but we're all firmly hunkered down around 40, which makes teenage homecoming drama hit different. Yeah.

No, that's fair. There's also, this is such a small little throwaway light, but I have to underscore it as they're leaving, as Gabby and what's the boy's name? Josh. Josh, that's a thank you. Gun to my fucking head. They're so boring. I keep forgetting her their names. Joshua.

But as Gabby and Josh are leaving, the mom turns to him and says, tell your mom, I loved her chicken salad recipe. So look, if I was trying to establish someone in a movie as the most boring motherfucker on earth, that is the line I would supply them with. There's two chicken salad recipes. there's the one we all know and then the assholes who ruin it with raisins. That's it.

That's it. There's two variations on the salad du blouse. Tell your mom, I love her mild mayo recipe. It makes a lot better. So, okay. So, but now we've got her walking with her mom and mom's asking her about her relationship

with Josh, the not quite boyfriend. Right? And I wrote my notes, Oh, fucking rapture already. And then they rapture. Well, good news. And then they rapture. Yeah.

You and the screenwriters felt the same way. Hey, you fucking, ah, what happened? Meow. A car crashes into this conversation. Yes, yes. But it turns out that mom is a Christian and she's not. So mom is just a pile of clothes now. Yeah.

Right. Now, very few, like as a percentage, very few people in Chicago get raptured, which I, that makes sense. right. Canonically accurate. We have the, well, we have the checklist, right?

We have lady hugging her babies one z. We have orphaned basketball. We have, you know, dog on a leash that there's nobody holding the leash. We have person randomly stopping and asking our hero where their child is. Okay. So if I'm holding my child,

my baby child. Yes. And then that child zoops out of my arms. Disappears. but their clothes are still there. I just run around screaming and then I'm like, excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen my baby?

Screaming its name as though it's going to walk naked around the corner and be like, I was starting a pap circle, man. She's about tall enough to fit into this one's. I liked that in this chaos, almost everybody ran in the same direction for some reason. Where are they going? Are they running away from the towards? soup.

I also appreciated the unity of forehead cuts. Oh, yes, yes. I liked that everyone got the exact same forehead cut. Do you think this was makeup department wasn't in the same trailer? Oh, right. Everybody got out and they're like, oh, shit. Everybody got to set and they were like, God, damn. Carol, you stupid bitch.

Well, also, like, I feel like when you tell the extras that they have to scream, you should give them, like, reasons to scream. Yeah. Like at the first, like the first few seconds of it you get, right? Like everybody's screaming because, oh, there was a car accident. Oh, but the person is busy. But then like 45 seconds later, there's the same level of screaming. You got to feel like some people like, what are you yelling about?

Just show us that evolution of like, Ah! Oh. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah, ha! Ha!

Ha! Ah, ha. Ha! Hey, can I start screaming? She kind of did it. right away. But now I feel like we've all sort of settled down, but I didn't say anything at all. I sort of went, oh.

I was real quiet, but no one paid attention, and I have this forehead cut. You got one, too? Yeah, yeah. Should we all run in the same direction? You want to run to the right? All right. Let's all run right to left. I didn't know if anyone's seen my baby. I'll ask a few main characters along the way.

We also see there's no more phone service. They like to do this one at these moments. So I guess a lot of satellite pilots were Christian and got raptured and those satellites crashed. They hold their, it's like the lost button, the Christians, they hold their thumb down on the cell phone's work button. Yeah, you got to push it every. And then they trade out every switchboard.

We're full of Christians. Right. No, of course. Myrtle's the one who was Wabchat. She's got a million arms. Yeah. So she calls, yeah, she tries to get on her cell phone. And look, it would make sense like the first few minutes, right?

It's overloaded or whatever. but yeah, like for the next several days, her fucking cell phone doesn't work. What the fuck is going on? So she runs into her building. First, she tries to use the elevator, but the little man who drives the elevator also got raptured.

Also, the little guy who pulls the point. He was like, I'd love two things. Pulling elevators and Jesus. Right. By way, just safety reasons do not use an elevator in case of rapture. You should use the stairs. But she goes back to the apartment

to check for her little sister. You can use an elevator. later. It's fun. So Josh is there at her apartment now. His parents were also raptured away. And so he wrote straight there. Don't worry. He'll never care throughout the entire series again. And then they're like, well, where's my little sister? And she's like, well, there's no pile of clothes. So she didn't disappear. I'm like, okay. All right. You know the plot. Yeah. So Gabby's immediately a rapture detective. Exactly. Obviously. She's like figuring stuff out. So in terms of the piles of clothes, it feels like lots of people would be naked at the moment of the rapture, including Christians, right?

So that's going to be confusing on Rapture Day, right? I feel like, they're going to be assumed to be missing. Yeah, right. You've got to be right here somewhere. A lot of people in the shower are going to disappoint their grandma, right? They're going to be like, I'm going to be so good when the rapture happens. When the actual rapture, I'm going to just be like, okay, first of all, this is pretty funny. I've been like dead set against this being bopled.

But this is really funny. Also, everybody shut up. I know everything that's going to happen. I got us covered. Take the back of the hand, not the forehead. Oh, 100%. We got so many pro strats. I have a question and it's a brave one.

So be prepared to hold me in the light. If someone disappears out of their underwear and they're in heaven, so they're not using it anymore. I'm finders keepers, man. Finders keepers. Okay. So they get to the apartment.

Okay, thank you. The sister's not there. What am I going to do? Go to hell. Right. Exactly. Oh, no. You're already tribulated.

You might as well get some fucking crabs out of the deal. That's right. Become Christian after you do whatever Eli was suggesting you do. I'm going to get a judgy scorpion. You've got seven years. You can do seven years of underwear stuff. Yeah, exactly. There you go.

So, okay. But the little sister is not there, but she's also her clothes aren't there. either so they've realized that she's got to be around there somewhere so they look around for a clue luckily this is so dumb she's left a flyer for the ice creamery that she went to

okay I laughed a lot here and they're like this is perfect our little sister our 11 year old sister she must have heard about this deal she's a bargain shop for yeah on ice cream I know exactly where she is she's gonna go head out and get herself some ice cream

yeah yeah so So they go down to the ice creamery, right? And they find that there's some other kid that's already napped her and is running with her. So they give chase. Well, look, I let let's give credit to the child kidnappers and the rapture, right? So this is a rapture where babies disappear, but 11 year olds don't. Right. Right.

So 11 year olds, if your child kidnapper, are prime commodity right now. And these people figured it out right away, right? Like, it's been like 15 minutes. First of all, it's probably tough to be a Christian child kidnapper. It's not unheard of, right? It's a thrive. We know in the real world it's thriving, right? So they're probably like, guys, look, our priorities, I'm a deep believer in Christ, my Lord and Savior.

And I believe he's going to come back, sore mouth Jesus. The minute people start Bampfin, grab a tween. Yes. Grab a twin. They're going to be like, you know that uncle who thinks gold bars are. going to be valuable when the economy collapses. That's how Christian child kidnappers feel. Okay.

I have a question about... About tweens. I have a question about the canon of this. So 11 years old, you don't automatically get zooped. I think it's 10. I think 10 is the cutoff in this universe. Okay, so they have a cutoff.

They have a cutoff 10. So that means there are a couple of twins, and like one of them was born slightly after the other. One gets zooped and the other one is not. And the parents maybe are like, Interesting. Statistically, there was a birthday happening where a kid was mid blowing out candle left one behind and like other kids at the party,

but he's just there. Two conjoined twins and the one that sort of came out first. Oh, interesting. Just bleeding out. Just still there. A lot of questions. And I like explorations. It's a shame that we didn't get the 11 sequels they had in mind.

I think this system might not track you guys. I think this might not be as airtight as we were hoping. I want to see a brave rapture movie explore these technicalities. Absolutely. Well, if they had gotten parts two through 11, two through 40. So they finally, they catch up with the guy that's got Claire,

and it turns out that he wasn't kidnapping her. He was taking her to a post-rapture safe house that was set up 16 minutes after the rapture. Yeah. Right? Or actually, like, earlier than that, right? Because they've been there for a minute. There's like, yeah, baloney sandwiches out.

Yes. Like, this past, it's a pastor, and he's got a church. He's set up. like a FEMA site, a full, fully functional chemistite in like two minutes. Right. Well, but you got to figure he's just got that out every day just in case, right? Yeah. So yeah.

But the pastor's like, yeah, I know exactly what's going on. Luckily, I have a bunch of thumb drives right here that people made, you know, for just such an occasion, like break glass in case of kind of thing. How often do you think he got reminded at work like? And now, Craig, I couldn't help but notice you weren't paying a lot of attention during the sermon today. So just for the record Here's a thumb drive

The bowl of thumb drives Is in the top left drawer Of my desk I'm gonna get on that So this is the thing This is the question that I had at this moment though Is that a thing that Christians do Do they record like break in case of rapture videos

And if they do Listeners that used to be Christian Could you show me your breaking case of rapture? Please like I would love to see your like If you find a pile of my clothes Okay. I bet we can just You can create some of these with hot takes about how the

canon of raptures works and send them to churches? Oh, interesting. Anybody's fucking game, baby. Yeah. I bet here's what I bet. And I don't know if you can do this anymore, but I bet there's a website where you can. I bet if we go on YouTube and we search for in case of rapture and we go lowest hits to highest, we're going to find some fucking gold baby. I bet we will, yeah. We're going to find a woman in Minnesota showing us like how to feed her

cat. And then we can make fun of it on our podcast. I don't know. All right. But just then, Gabby gets a call from her dad, right? But the cell phone cuts out.

We know that dad's alive and unraptured. But just then, Josh goes, what's that smell? The pastor yells gas leak and the whole church explodes. It escalates so quickly. It was like, blam,

explosion right away. Right. Well, because the movie, like, it doesn't work if they have this much help this early on. And this is the writer going, fuck. Well, fuck. Oh, oh, oh. What if it blew up? What if the Christian with his finger on the gas doesn't come out? But is one of the ones who got raptured. How do we end the sketch? We just blow it up. We blow it up. Yeah. All the Tom clones are dead in the basement. So, but then they run and then they just keep running. And I'm like, at a certain point, I'm like, why? The explosion isn't chasing you. Right.

I guess it's implied that they're going to need to flee Chicago entirely because, like, all eight real Christians in Chicago were like holding together. Holding it together. Running that switchboard. Because they're like walking distance from her apartment, from Gabby's apartment, which I can assume is locked and has beds and food, right? Some amount of food. But no, they're like, do we have to flee on foot right now?

Some of that really good chicken salad. Yeah, right? Yeah, probably still had some chicken salad. Maybe a little. Who knows how long it's good for, TikTok. But Flynn, luckily, Flynn is homeless, so he knows that. Oh, sorry, we haven't even introduced Flynn. Flynn is the kid who was with Claire and it was taking her to the post-rapture thing, right?

Different hot, identical boy. He'll be the other potential love interest for Gabby. So he's like, I'm homeless, so I know where all the homeless places are. And so he takes him to Homeless Alley and they're like, well, this is no good. We don't want to stay. This is worse, man. Yeah, exactly. We have a home.

Yeah, we just go to my apartment. And he's like, oh, yeah, home. Sorry, it doesn't really occur to me. And now the movie's got to take a minute to deal with the fact that like these two girls just lost their mother. Right. So the little girl says, I want mommy. And Gabby goes, mom disappeared with everybody else. And Claire goes, I love mom.

is a real line and of morning period yes yes and they're like okay but you gotta get over and she's like I am now you good yeah yeah she's good uh so they're like we can't stay in the city and we're like why not

she's like because I said that line god damn it the movie happens to switch on a different elsewhere and so they decide they're going to follow the train tracks to the safety of slightly outside of Chicago where everything's great

yeah well we've established that their divorced dad lives out in the country, right? So they've just got to walk out into the country. So they just go to that one rail line that runs through Chicago. Maybe that's why everybody was running in the same direction to get to the rail. To the rails. They were all following the rails.

Exactly. Yeah. So they run along. We see in the background police getting January 6th. Yeah. Right? This was back. This was made in 2016 when they were against that kind of stuff.

But then ultimately they make it to the train. So they're hoboing their way along. I like that as they're doing that, they see some people walking the other direction on the tracks. And they're like, should we tell them? Let's stop. Everybody come back. Let's think this through.

You're going towards this. We're going to the country. Hmm. Yeah. What are any of our goals? Does anyone know what the fuck anyone is doing? Does it matter? I don't think it does.

No. So yeah. And so this is also where we get Heath's best worst. They're going to go to a store and see if there's any food, but there's a black person in it. Okay. So this is what I didn't talk about. So they do like a, and she's like, yeah, no, all the food's gone. And then there's a pause where you can tell she wanted to be like, were you guys super scared because I'm a person of color.

Yeah. No, no, no, no. We actually, we were happy. We were talking about Martin Luther King Jr's contributions to the American. I'm actually a White Sox fan. I was worried about your culture. were white. I was like, oh, no, a white bird. And then you saw me relax. That was

because I knew you were a black woman. I voted for Obama. Queen. Twice. Once. I'd have voted for him a third time and we ran him third time. He said, I said. I'm a Romney fan. Swing. But they survived. Nope. No. I thought

I thought you were, it seemed like you. I saw sinners. He seems like he'd be a good businessman. Oh, right. So. Did you see sinners? So yeah, but they managed to get away from the person of color with the ill effect. And then, look, the movie says that they're going to walk along the goddamn train tracks, but then it shows them on a road and a store and a field and along a dusty trail for fuck's sake. Right.

Luckily, just as Claire's getting to be a real pain in the ass about them not having food, they find a tractor where the person got raptured away before he could eat his bologna sandwich. God, how hungry would you have to be? but yeah but Gabby gives her quarter of the baloney sandwich to Claire he's would eat an old

baloney sandwich you found in the street right now you've never been more alone in a joke if a baloney sandwich

slapped against the outside window of his office right now he'd yell dibs and run from his computer yeah

all right no fair I got it eventually he's the wiper mustard shit. Eventually, we resolve on them walking through the woods and wondering about the premise, right? This will occupy an enormous amount of the movie, right, where they're like, maybe it's chemical warfare.

You're stupid. It's not chemical warfare. Sorry, did you say chemical warfare made people vanish? Did you hear it? So Josh says it's chemical warfare. And then Flynn, his new, like, you know, rival is like, hey, man. Sexual rival, yeah. Do you hear that? Do you hear what you just said? It made people vanish. For the rest of the movie, he's just mad at him. Yeah. Just be like, fuck you, new guy. Stop looking at you. You didn't have any ideas.

Waiting for Flynn to say something stupid. Yeah, right, right. The east, it's actually northeast. You fucking idiot. You know how I know that? From the direction thing in my home that I have. House. My house.

Where I live. Oh, no. Living parents. I'm experiencing housedness. Fuck you. Don't even go here. Yeah, but eventually they come across some tents. And all the people,

the tents were raptured, so they have a place to camp now. It feels really like tutorial level in a video game. It does. I guess there's a bunch of apples and are really easy to defeat mushroom at this part of the movie. But that night, Clara is wondering about the premise. Jesus fucking Christ. And then that night, Flynn, you know, lights the fire and he sits suspiciously close to Gabby on the log. And then Josh shows up and, oh, it's pretty awkward to.

They're sitting so close together. And Josh is like, Claire loves peanut butter. I found some. I know that she loves peanut butter because I go here and have a house. Yes, right, right. He's so mad. I'm just going to pee in a circle. Flynn, please step outside of the circle.

Then I'm playing. If you would step out of a circle, I would not like to lay claim to you. So then we get the next day. They're walking along, still speculating about the premise, did not bring the tents with them. At this point, Gabby goes, oh, I've got a signal. and we're like, yeah, man, because it's not like somebody has to hold the fucking button down all the fucking time for this to work. So the phone should be goddamn fine. But she fucking, she gets a call from her dad and then they still can't, you know, the phone still doesn't stay connected long enough.

The phone is only connected for movie tension purposes, right? It's like, Gabby, I want you to know. I love you so much. My favorite color is green. And I'll be located in the, eh, eh, oh, I. Yeah, right, right. So, but then they come across a police department, which is great news, but apparently the, the Christians that were holding down the police department button also got raptured.

Yeah. The way they noticed the police department was very funny, though. Josh very slowly pieces it together. We see him see like car, wait, police car, wait, sign that says police station. We watch him like, look at each of those things. And then he's like, everybody over here. It's a police station. Right.

They go inside. They do not take any guns or ammo. No. Nothing useful. They're terrible at the tutorial levels. Yeah. They do come across just a regular old dead guy and then nothing happens and we get them walking again. There's also the spot where they walk by a garage where somebody spray painted.

We have a gun on the front of it. Huh. I'm writing we have a gun on our house to make sure that intruders don't come in. Should I use the font from the front of heavy metal magazine? Yeah, right. I like that. I like that. I'm also,

I'm going to put a board up on one of our windows. I'm going to paint skull and crossbones. Do we have time for that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got extra paint. Also, like, okay. So they filmed most of this movie in Savannah, Georgia. Like, that may have already been spray painted on that guy's garage, right?

They were, they may have just said, oh, we got to get that. They can't stop you. A lot of pirates in Savannah. Yeah. So they're walking around speculating about the premise more. They wonder if maybe it's an alien invasion, when suddenly Gabby says, that's dad's truck.

And we're like, what are the odds? So they rush up in it. It looks like they found their father's truck crashed against a tree. Right. Right. And it's just, it's like a Toyota tundra. It's just like a generic truck.

There's no goddamn way in hell in all of Chicago, suburban Chicago. Anyway, but yeah. And it'll never matter to the plot. Like him crashing his truck isn't why anything else in the movie happens? No, not really. Yeah. But they run to their house, which is apparently nearby, like Dad's House. They charge in, but damn it, if it's not full of hooligans.

Evil hooligans. Yeah. And then they try to tell them to go away because it's their house, not. And that's a hooligan's house. And the hooligans, they don't. want to hear anything about that. I have a question about tribulation-based hooligans. That's going to be important to us one day.

The moment it happens, you go to the house of the richest Christians, you know. I'm so glad you asked. So that's what I assume. They must have a lot of false starts, right? Because we're looking at, I'm going to say 12 hours since the rapture. I mean, they walked from Chicago to Savannah, Georgia, so it's probably more than that. But, yeah. More than that?

Okay. So, like, a couple of days. But that means that, like, on 9-11, the Tribulation hooligans definitely like ran to a neighbor's house and everyone was like, no man, it's fucking 9-11 and he was like, oh, sorry. Right. But hey, compliment

to you, you're my first choice. If there are other tribulation who are my internet got slow for a second, I figured the switchboard was, you know that thing where it says you've got full bars but you've got no signal? What's that? What's that about?

It's supposed to be like, is it blocked from the sky? I'm working on a stand-up set. and they, it's not going well. That's why I'm a tribulation hooligans. Do you want an extra key for when the rapture does happen? Yeah. I would love one.

Thank you so much. So yeah, but they confront the hooligans. There's a, second board. There's a hand slicing. And they, they, they,

they run upstairs, right, to get away from the hooligans. Great escape plan running up the stairs. But they bar the door and then they climb out through the window. And I'm like, well, why didn't you run out the door?

Yeah, it was. You leave, no, you leave. So then they run upstairs and leave. And leave. After cutting the guys hand and getting them all pissed. Luckily, though, the hooligans don't really know about windows and shit. So they have plenty of time to climb out the window all four of them and get a head start running away before the hooligans are like, oh, fuck outside. I forgot about outside.

Well, you know, it's because they were so insistent on staying inside. Why would they go outside? I thought we were going to have sort of a standoff panic room situation. Y'all seen panic? But luckily Gabby has a plan, right? It's hide in the hidden shed that that dad put there in case you're ever being chased by rapture hooligans, right? You all thought the rapture hooligan camo shed was a bad use of my divorce settlement money. But now this is why everybody made fun of me, but this is why you build a shed inside of a wormhole.

Yes. Measure twice. once. And then the marauders that we gave that key to the other day, they won't find you when you have to run out. Obviously. Yeah. But then, so they're hiding in the secret shed and the good old boys give up.

The hooligans are like, well, they've obviously gotten the best of us. So they turn back. And this is where they discover that Claire, the little girl, her leg was cut when they were going out the window. So she's in trouble. They tie her dirty rag around it. And I'm like, well, now she's in trouble anyway. Do you want me to hawk a lugy into your open looms?

It seems like that would happen. The tourniquet, her thigh, I'm like, it's not even bleeding, guys. Hey, I don't know if a tourniquet's a good idea. Should we just, like, chainsaw off her entire lower half to just make it simpler? Right. All right. Well, we got you. We need to talk to these kids quick before they move to amputations.

So we're going to take ourselves another break. But we're back in a minute with even more of vanish left behind the next generation. Where am I? You are in heaven, my son. Welcome. Well, I don't remember dying. Was this the rapture? Indeed it was.

Thank you, St. Peter. I cannot wait to bask in the glory of... Wait, hold on a second. Where's Timmy? Hmm? My son. Oh, right. About that.

he's not coming what he was 11 years old 11 and not a Christian well I thought God raptured all the kids 11 isn't a kid 11 isn't a kid I don't know if you've googled how old Mary was

when God okay okay well why is it he Christian he went to church that doesn't matter we never did the Jesus thing gotta do the blah blah blah blah gotta do it I don't know What? I look.

If he was Christian, he'd be here. I don't know the specific. Fuck! Well, is he going to be okay? In the tribulation? Oh, you're serious. No. Oh, man, no.

He is going to have a bad time. Well, well, fuck. Yeah. So you want to come into heaven? I mean, I guess. It's still cool in there. You get to sit at God's right hands. Yeah.

But it's cooler than that. that sounds, trust me. 11 isn't he on a kid. I didn't make the rules, man. And we're back for more of this shit and we're going to rejoin the action with Josh telling him that there's a big farm nearby that he found where they can go and have a second act.

Right? Convenient? Yeah, he goes, he goes, there are some women there and I guess the implication is like women are docile and will help us, but it also could be like, I'm pretty sure I could take him. I don't know what he's going for there. Yeah. A lot of ladies. Good ratio if you know what I'm saying.

Seems like it's not Seems like Flynn's kind of Horning into my territory here I'd like some more options But I did get it though Right because I'm like I'm if I walked into a building In the Tribulation and it was full of lady hooligans I'd be like oh nice

It's like a porn one Yeah oh I've read a bunch of these So they go to this farm And there's a security camera that looks at them And they're like oh my little sister got cut And she's lost a lot of blood And we're like we saw there was no blood

You didn't do any blood at all. But they open it up and let her in, right? This is where we're going to meet Sarah, who is the sister of the farm's owner, right? She is a nurse, and she's as good as any doctor. She doesn't need some piece of paper from some college to tell us about that. Her brother, who is the head of the farm, Damon, he introduces her by being like, she's a nurse. And I was like, oh, okay, great. And he's like, and by the way, big fucking medicine might tell you,

She's not as good. And they're like, oh, no, we, we, the answer was yes to medical treatment when you said. There's a bizarre fucking line to include in their movie, you know. You a Harvard nurse or? Like a safety school nurse. So yeah. Kind of nurse. So they're like, you know, we'll take care of your little sister.

Why don't I take the fellers and show them around the farm? And Sarah, there's is like, do you idiots put a fucking tourniquet on her leg? Yeah, right. Why should you do that? It wasn't even bleeding. Luckily, it's tied really loosely, so it's not a turning. Yeah, it's just a rope around her leg. Really decorative.

I'll leave it. Doing a little civil war cosplay. There you go. But then, so now we've got the brother, this is Damon, right? He's going to be our villain. Damon is showing Josh and Flynn around the prepper compound that he's got. Yeah. And this is the first of many times that we get one of the characters,

which is clearly represented by one of the writers. Yeah. Being very excited about their revenge fantasy that they said. And they were ready for the prepper thing. Like they're preppers. So he's all excited. He's like, they all laughed at me.

They all laughed at me. Laugh. Yes. No, this is the point in the movie where I wrote, oh, we're watching prepper porn. Yeah.

I guess they're not preppers now. They're just like gut stuffers. They need a different name of this. preptors. It's a past tense, right? So my question is this, right? Because I imagine that the prepper community and the Christians who believe in the rapture community, those circles have a lot of overlap. A lot of overlap. But it seems like they would not, right? Because if you get raptured, then your backer buckets are just sitting there for someone else. Right. If anything, you're untribulating the tribulation. Some homosexuals.

I imagine there's a good deal of intellectually honest bad Christian preppers who know they're bad Christians. Yeah. Right? No, that's a great point. They've read the whole thing. That's what I was going to follow most of these rules. I just do like a couple of the bigot ones and that's it. So yeah.

And we have like we're bouncing back and forth between him showing the boys around the prepper farm and telling everybody about how right it turned out he was this whole time. And Sarah sewing up the little girl and telling. just so this movie never even comes close to passing the Bechdel test talking exclusively about Damon and how Harvard and MIT wished that they could have gotten him. How smart he was and how they all laughed at him and he's way smarter. Yes.

We do cross cuts of him proclaiming stuff like that. And then his sister being like, that's right, 11 year old. He's so, so he built a wind turbine when we were kid. He could have gone to Harvard. Wind power. Have you heard of it? And then just like cross-cut back to Damon. I totally could have gone to Harvard.

I didn't want to. Yes. I didn't want to. Right. To be on this farm for when the tribulation happened. Yeah. And so, you know, and then they ask Josh and Flynn, are like, so what do you think happened?

Where did all these people go? He's like, I think it was an EMP. And he's like, and they're like, that made people disappear. He says, well, you know, because of their electromagnetic makeup. And I'm like, man, you might as well have just said hats. Did you mention that in your interview at Harvard? Yeah. That's an insane answer.

That's why you can get. get it to Harvard. Yeah, wish, wish I had answered better. Yeah. So, yeah, so we get a bunch of that. And then Damon is still the next scene. He's still talking prepper bullshit with the guys. They're all sitting around having dinner, right?

They're having their chicken. We learned that he's a genius farmer too. Oh, that's right. Yeah, he's increased the yield. Well, he just describes it. He's like, yeah. So I give, you know, all these plants. I give him water and fertilizer.

And Josh Flynn are like, you're just described. farming, right? That's how that works. I feel like everybody would have. But he's increased the yield 10x. Yes. He's 10xed it because he's a secret genius who never went to Harvard. He wanted to just, you know, 10x all the crops.

Could have solved world hunger, but he was like, no, because they all laughed at me when I said the prep for stuff. Yeah. And it's crazy that the secret to farming turned out to be three small commercially available planters on top of the other. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. So they try to sell me on Facebook. Yeah. And honestly, I wrote it my notes. I'm like, hey, guys, if we're stuck after the apocalypse in a prepper compound with somebody telling me how he turned out to be right about all these NFTs, I'm going to go back to the exploding churches, okay? 100%. Yeah. No, I'll take my chances with the horse locust who will talk to me about movies and TV rather than some guy who's going to pretend he invented a wind turbine. He also calls himself the sanest guy on the planet. Because he's still pontificating and like, people all said I was crazy. They said I was crazy.

And then he says, I'm actually the sanest guy on the planet. If it was a contest, if they had a competition to find the most sane, that would probably be me. Yeah. Said zero sane people. Yeah, no one ever, ever, ever, ever. Certainly nobody in the top quintile, right? You know how I'd rank my sanity in terms of like a percentage, like a percentage, I don't know, pretty high. It's really fucking high.

Higher than it should be, man. Yeah, right. So, yeah, but Flynn has a bad feeling about this, and I wrote my notes, it's all the atheist. Meanwhile, Josh is sneaking around the farmhouse until he finds a laptop where he can check out what of those rapture thumb drives that he nicked from the exploding church before it exploded, right? So this is the point in the movie where we just stop dead and have him watch a video where a pastor explains the rapture to us dead to camera. Yeah. Just another person with their revenge fantasy. Like, so sad. You're probably watching this because you got left behind for hell on earth because you're evil and I'm good.

That's why I'm going. Me, though. I'm in probably heaven. Well, well, well. Yeah. The movie. Get it in your hand, not your forehead. But like, you've got to become Christian.

So, yeah. So, but then we cut back to Flynn and Gabby's sharing. We learn more about Flynn and his time as a street urchin. or whatever. We learned that the little girl had given him French fries once when he was being all homeless

and hungry and that's why he protected her. Anybody falling in love with him yet? No, okay. Are we moving on? Because my story, it normally inspires a bunch of sympathy. Sexually for a lot of people,

actually, when I tell this story. I spend most of my money that I make on the streets on hair gel, as you may have noticed. Yeah, right, right. I figured he's been on the streets so long. That's why how he knows

how to keep his hair perfect through the apocalypse like that. Yeah. And it's funny too because he's like, oh, I was homeless and it was really hard on me. And my parents were drug addicts and I was a ward of the state and blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, yeah, I get it. My mom drank a lot. My dad worked too much. And I'm like, not the time. Gabby, not the time.

Storytopper. Sorry, I just felt like we were changing. We weren't lower middle class. It was like middle, middle, but like, middle. Like, I wanted a toy and I didn't get it right away. But is there really a middle class anymore? you know what I'm saying? In this economy?

But then Josh comes in. Who's homeless now? I went to public school for like, for like a couple of years. Who's the worst? Josh comes in. He's like, he catches him talking,

you know, and he's the rival. So he's not so sure about that. But then he shows him the video of the pastor, right, telling us about rapturing him. So we get even more of that. And she goes,

huh, well, we should go to sleep now. So this scene will be over. and they do. Hey, any chance this room's about to explode? Yeah, do you know?

No. No, okay, so we go to bed. If nobody agrees that you smell ghastly, it's not going to explode. That's going to explode. That's it. That's where we got. So, okay.

We should go to sleep moron, citation. So that night we have Gabby. She wakes up sitting next to Claire in a chair, just crazy uncomfortable position to be sleeping in. It's ridiculous. Right. And then we see that Josh is, like,

watching her sleep, which is creepy as shit. I should also point out that they were all sleeping with the lights on which I thought was weird in a world with no working power grid. I think you would

save the gas, but no, okay. All the women at this farm compound are doing the switchboard but it's like a local switchboard now. It's one thumb. It's much easier to do the thumbs there again. So yeah,

but we've just had the team Jacob moment. Now we have to have the team Edward moment, right? Where now he brought her a rock that he knew she would really like to commemorate the fact that they'd be at the homecoming dance right now if it wasn't for this darn rapture.

I wrote in my notes, my dude is smashing against the friend zone like a bird dying on a window sill. Sometimes the journey's the reward. Yeah, right. So he's like, I'm going to play a song. He plays a song on his phone and asks her to dance.

So now they dance. But quick before he can go in for the kiss, Claire wakes up. And she's like, stop. You're bad. Yeah. This is boring. Actors.

Stupid. Do you smell gas? So then we get this farming montage, right? This was funny. Yeah. This was funny. They have a lot of trouble. They couldn't think of a few things to do on a farm that makes sense.

One guy's just... Farming. One guy's just digging a random ditch in the middle of everything going on around. Digging holes. What are you doing, man? They have a post... They have a post-hole. hole maker and they're so excited about it, but it's like in the middle of whatever this field

that's supposed to be. Making this tiny little fence that's like, yeah, no, marauders are about to show up in warlords, but that'll hold slap. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Yeah. No, everybody's got, you know, a different implement with a handle and they're just randomly, one lady's just randomly raking the same spot over and over again. Why do they always go for the woodchop?

Because they always fail. Yeah. And once again, somebody pulled several muscles and they cut. and they still keep it and they show it to us. Can I be honest? And I think this is true of all of us. Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong. If I was given the opportunity to chop wood, publicly or privately,

I would try it because I'm sure I would get it on my first try. You absolutely would not. And we're doing that now. Okay. Yeah. No, that's your Patreon goal. I think everyone in this podcast possesses an equal amount of certainty that they could chop wood on their first try.

Well, it wouldn't be my first try. I'm 50 fucking years old. I've obviously chopped a wood before. But I'm not poor. So why would I chop wood? I was poor. Unless you chopped wood between 840 and 55. I had to chop so much wood.

Unless that's the prime wood chopping time. My dad, my dad would set this up. He did it to me. And then a friend of mine was hanging out. And he was like, you guys are shopping wood for me. And we're like,

okay. And he gives a mall to my friend. And he set it up. So there's like very clearly a knot that you can't see in the piece that he puts up on the thing. I bet there was. And you ring, it's like a cartoon character.

Yep. Yep. Hitting metal with metal. Wolf. Yeah. But yeah, but we get this, ultimately we get this montage that's there

so that my brother-in-law can turn to his buddy and go, Noah wouldn't last a day. He wouldn't last a day. It's right. It's more of that bullshit. Farming isn't hard. Yes, it is.

No, it's not. It's not hard. It's not hard. The economics for farmers, I'm sure, is hard. But,

like, planting is not hard. It's you just plant, you water it. Pick it from Ethan Wright and Eli Bosnick. Farming isn't hard. You know it's hard. Podcasting. Sometimes people don't like my jokes.

I know, I know it is hard. So the next day, so Gabby's out farming when she meets Rachel, who will be about a waste of a fucking character as anyone who has ever appeared in a god-awful movie, right? Yes. Like what what combination of characters couldn't have. conversations that they needed to introduce Rachel. They never have a conversation with her. I think Rachel was the director's daughter or does anything for the plot.

Yeah. Something. Yeah. But yeah. But yeah. But she, that's her, that's Gabby's new farm friend. Right. And we see at this point that as they're doing their ridiculous fucking panamimo farming,

there's a guy that's walking around behind them with a rifle watching over him. Right. Gabby asked about that. And Rachel's like, yeah. weird, huh? And I'm like, I feel like you'd have follow-ups. I have follow-ups. Yeah, but she doesn't. Gabby doesn't. Well, Gabby's follow-up is like, hey, do you know my dad? And she's like, you know, Eric Thompson or whatever the fuck his name was.

No. Yeah, right. And she's like, you said that crazy. No, is my answer. Normal. You don't have to say your answer is your answer after you say your answer. Hey, you think farming's, I mean, I know we're doing it, but do you think farming's harder than podcasting? It is not. Just quick change the subject. Plants just. Because no one, plants never tweet mean stuff to you. They never. Yeah. You don't do shit.

They never tweet mean stuff to you. So, but Flynn shows up to check on her and he's like, hey, do you want to run off and have like a romantic moment that Josh can get jealous about? And she's like, I do want to do that. Yeah. So they run off and they have a creek side chat and they have the same goddamn conversation they had earlier about how she thinks she should go back to the city to find her dad. But Claire can't walk that far on her leg. I kind of blew my sad backstory, which is kind of my move earlier in the movie.

But could we maybe talk again so that we can get... And also he's just like... He's just this creepy guy who's... Because she's like having this moment where it's like a very emotional... She doesn't know what to do. And he's like, yeah, so I should probably hug you and like move in for the kiss the whole time, right?

Maybe our thighs should touch. Yeah, right, yeah. And he does. He takes advantage of her trauma and they kiss. So then we cut over to Sarah, Nursing Claire. and this is where Sarah has to tell Claire

about the love of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior Yeah this is where Claire's like So I don't know but notice A bunch of babies disappeared Do you know the cutoff Obviously I didn't make

Yeah you're above it You're above it Your mom disappeared She's good She's gone But she's good And you're evil And you're above your

Yeah right You're a bad person Who God Kind of go fuck yourself back on. Would you say my mom's having fun in heaven without me? Do you think she's having a good time? Oh, she is.

She has to be. Otherwise, it wouldn't make sense. She doesn't like, miss me. Sarah goes, like, did your mom ever talk to you about God? And Claire goes, yeah, but I didn't listen. Yeah, you know, but I'm 11. I kind of outgrew that shit by now. Yeah, right, right, yeah.

You know, like eight, nine. That's when they start to ask the questions and they sort of smell the bullshit. There's an age of reason they go. So the little girl even goes, well, don't you get to go to heaven for doing good stuff? And Sarah's like, no, you fucking Catholic? The fuck is wrong with you. Oh, it's a gift. A gift that you have to ask for with a very special magic spell or you'll get burned in fire for all eternity.

Yeah. And then some because you have to live for the tribulation too. And then for a little bit here with the scorpions. So yeah, but then Claire's like, can I be a Christian? and she's like, yes, you can. And she's like, is it weird for you a grown woman to be trying to change the religion of an 11-year-old you met yesterday?

She's like, no, it's not. This is how I'm getting up there. We're going to do that when we're in the tribulation, though, right? Because we want the brownie, we want to get to heaven. So are we going to do a caveat where we're going to be like, hey, just so you know, we were big atheists and then we're wrong. And it's the, so like, we know how creepy it is to try to tell a kid that there should be Christian.

But like, this is the moral system we've, find ourselves. Right, right. Yeah. You know, it's how you get on Fox News. It's the perfect plan. Exactly. Yeah, there you go.

Exactly. So she's, and then we have this. And God knows we've seen this scene as many times as we've seen the fucking rapture, this whole like, I want to pray, but I don't know how. And Sarah goes, it doesn't matter. It's literally nothing. So Claire prays. We get to see Claire being like, hey, God, it's Claire.

Barlow, stupid. I just can you I'd like help because you know Scorpions I heard something like that Lucas also just you know question

what's the rule on fetal personhood for you because I've been hearing a lot about that did you zip a bunch of out of tummy because the cutoff is 10 I feel like 11 is pretty much

I mean you know it should be based on I don't know pubescence what's what Eastern did you use Eastern standard time because we're in Chicago maybe an hour

I don't know if that's It's not a birthday thing, because that's a nightmare for you to keep trying. Maybe just release one more edition of the book with like a few more details. Yeah, do some. Hey, how about another round? How about another round of thief in the nights? Sometimes they come back. That's what they say.

If your house is broken into, you should be careful because the next couple of days, they'll come back for some of the other stuff. Maybe you do that for yourself. Oh, yeah. It's okay. So then we cut back to Gabby and Flynn, who are now frolicking about the woods together, right? When what should they happen upon,

but a bunch of bad guys, bad guying? Yeah. It turns out that Damon's henchmen are keeping her dad prisoner in a little coffin box. In a punishment box. He's getting thrown into the punishment box that they have. Yes. Yes, he's been putting time out. And they happen to come on them exactly at the moment they're putting him in the punishment box.

Eli, question. You guys have a better sense of the timeline in this movie than me. How quickly did the punishment box get introduced? The apocalypse was five days ago. If that. Yeah, it was like three or four days. So he had the PEPAper item. The punishment box.

Yeah, you want Baker buckets. You want at least one punishment box. My farming system that's 10 times better than anything else humans have ever been in. You've got to be able to crack a window on the punishment box or you drill the holes like a terrific. Yes. I feel like if you put holes, I'll say this and let me say this. Let me. I don't know that I will.

Philoniously. You have to let me. if you put holes in my punishment box, I would assume the way to get out of the punishment box was to suck your dick. That's what I would assume. Oh, you're going to assume those are glory holes for us to use. Yeah, well, that's how you earn your way out of the punishment.

Could be. Well, obviously. It could be. Obviously, it depends on the size of the holes, but yes. It's definitely not, I mean, if a dick shows up in there. If I'm putting my dick through the hole and you're sucking it outside of the punishment box, that's not a punishment box, that's a, that's a reward box. Okay, this was a conversation. These people at this compound did not have, but they should have weird. Clearly. One guy was just like, you know what motivates people? The box. Yeah, exactly. And they were like, oh, all, okay. All stick no carrot. It feels like when you're a kid and you hear about your friends, shitty dad, and you're terrified by it. And they're like, oh, yeah, guys, we're going to get put in the box. And you're like, sorry, what? Yeah. The box. So, but we, we see here that like, do you smell

guess. Hensi 3 is not so sure about putting him in the punishment box, right? And then Flynn, he goes to tug Gabby away, but of course they snap the omnipresent alert twig, right? Henchy one follows him out in the woods. He's like, what was that? He goes, follows him out in the woods. I'm like, I bet that guy spends a lot of time chasing deer. What was that? The noise that the world makes constantly. But he runs in the woods like eight feet. He looks around eight feet in and he's like, there's nothing. Could have been anyone.

Right. Yeah. Back to my Metal Gear solid rotation. Right. Yeah, right. So, but Gabby and Flynn, they get back to the farm. Josh confronts him, right? He's like, were you guys off gallivanting together or whatever?

Hey, sorry. Josh, I would love to do this. It's just my dad is in a punishment box and we're not sure if it's a dick in or dick out situation. So we got to come back. We got to put a pin in this. So, but Hensi 1 shows up just at that moment to take him to the principal's office for, for wandering off into the woods that are off limits, right? So then Damon the Prepper gives him a lecture

about the importance of respect. And then he goes, he's like, what did you see in those woods? And I'm like, well, now they know that there's shit that you're hiding in their dummy, fucking idiot. And, you know, he pulls a gun on them when they refuse to answer so that he's like, no, I'm all the way the bad guy now.

And they're like, oh, okay, all the way. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Just then Sarah comes in. His sister comes in with Josh. and she talks him into handing over the gun. He's like, oh, are you going to do the threatening gunpoint monologue? And she's like, yeah, no, I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll do it. You go invent some more farming or something. But I'll be like, whoa. Build a windmill or something, yeah. For the way of the power of the Lord. Don't worry. Yeah.

So, but then like Sarah. Atheism. Like they walk out. Damon is out for two fucking seconds. And she's like, let's get you out of here. And they're like, he obviously heard you. Right. So they grab Claire and then Sarah helps him.

backup to go. But before they go, Gabby's like, hey, you know, why didn't you tell me that my dad was here? And she's like, I was trying to keep you safe. And she's like, from what? And she's like, from knowing that your dad was here. From your dad. From the movie being over too quick. Right. Yeah. Right. Apparently, we learned that their dad got in a fight with Damon at some point in like the first day of the, the, what had happened in the first like nine hours. Yeah. 10 minutes. They're doing, they're doing, they're doing. fucking ice breakers and something went wrong. Yeah. And he like, he said a slur that Damon didn't like, I don't know.

But I'm Alan the Ardvar. Get in the fucking box. But yeah, right straight to punishment box. Atheist prepper farming geniuses, they get very easily distracted with personal grievances. So that's going to be a lot of the rest of the movie for us. Yeah. So then Sarah helps them pack up. And then she takes them through the secret tunnels that the place has too, apparently. Yeah.

And then they run to like the makeshift prison. The punishment box. Or the punishment boxes. Well, there's other people there too. They've also got like a cargo trailer thing that has like three other people locked into it. And I guess Henchy One sleeps right next to them. Yeah, they don't care about it. But luckily they keep a crowbar right next to the punishment box.

You know, I guess in case they need to get in there. Yeah, they lock the punishment box, of course, you know, with a pass, whatever. But they also wrap big metal chants. chains around it in case, you know, main characters try to break him out. But they also do put the, the girl bar. Right. I thought it. I thought it was in case they needed to punish a magician who wanted to escape

with a bit of flourish. Oh, I see. Yes. So, yeah, but they get him out, you know, quick before there's any action or suspense. And then Henchy one walks out afterwards and sees that the coffin is open. So now we're excited or something So we can take a break But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell

Why the fuck couldn't you get Kurt Cameron back? Could it possibly be that Kurt Cameron was too busy? I mean, I get not being able to get Mr. T, but Kirk? Find out the answers to where that 13 bucks went instead when we return for the Kirkless conclusion of Vanish left behind Next Generation. I can't believe you didn't tell us our dad was here. I'm sorry. I did it for your protection, though. What? How? How is that? Her protection.

How was not telling us where our parent was protecting us? Oh, well, I thought he was looking for you. Okay. And us not knowing that protected us by like, well, you know, I mean, I was, I felt like I was really bonding with Claire. And I felt like I was kind of getting through to her with the Jesus stuff. Right. Yeah. It feels a little late for that, though. No, no, no. No, no.

You can still be Christian. Right. Okay. Great. I'll take that under consideration. We're going to go. Yeah. Yeah, you have to.

But I cannot come with you. You weren't invited. Okay. I love you. They didn't hear me. We heard you. We heard you. and we're back for still more of this shit

we're going to rejoin the action with henchie one sheepishly going to tell Damon that dad got away yeah they opened this scene I know this is just a movie shrop not a Christian movie trope thing but they open it with him going what do you mean he's gone and I just want any henchman in any of those scenarios to follow up with what do you mean yeah there's not an open to interpretation man

like he's gone do you think maybe I meant like He's emotionally absent from our religion. That's why I woke you up in the compound. Yes. Because we put him in the box. And he thought it was a dicks out situation. It's really awkward. As you can imagine, he was disappointed.

We should have talked it through it before we were straight in the box. It was a little war. It was a war for the hole. I got a splinter. It hurts really bad. We ended up with our dicks squish side by side. nobody enjoyed that. Well, I mean,

but yeah, not for long. But yeah, but then so Damon is like, all right, Henchy One, we have to go out and silence him once and for all. And Henchy One, to his credit, is the first henchman in a movie I've ever seen who goes, fucking what, man? Dude, are we in like a Christian movie? What are you talking about?

We're going to murder all of them to protect the secrecy of our gardening cult? I don't understand. Honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe when you guys had that argument, you could have just said, hey, you're not allowed to stay in my house sitting there. Oh, yeah, no, that would have worked. We didn't need the box at all.

I wanted to use the box. Yeah, right, that's the thing. Once you have a punishment box, yeah. When you built the punishment box, did you picture it isn't dicks out or a Dixon box? I don't want to talk about it. Big Zinn, right? It's got to be a Dixin.

So then it's not a punishment box. It's not clear, depending on who it is. It could not be a punishment box. Look, it's hard to have that argument when your dick is squished to another guy from the whole. We have to go murder some children now. All right, let's go murder some children. I want to re-litigate.

So then we cut back to the kids who now have taken a quick break from running for their lives so dad can tell Gabby about the wonders of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. This is so stupid. Truly, he's like, yeah, no, let's definitely continue escaping the murdery cult. But like, first, just look quick. do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ or Lord and Savior and the good news about that?

If you died today. I like this though because we would do this, right? Because we know now. He knows and we would know. Sure. But I want the full version of a guy who's like, ha. Okay. So I'm about to say the fucking dumbest shit ever,

but apparently it's true. So are you aware of the Abraham? sacrament. Of course you're not. Because it's a fucking stupid. It's real. God's in like a fight with himself and we're part of it.

Do you have a thumb drive that I could just watch the video? No. Everyone who made those was schizophrenic. So yeah, but he tells her all about the love of Jesus and she's like I'm not quite ready for that at this point in the movie and he's like, well I am

and we're like, well now you are going to fucking die, man. obviously. Yeah, Gabby's like, I still think, you know, just atheism makes a little bit more sense if you just think about like Occam's race. It's just like epistemologically even now. And that's, I agree with you. I'm literally Christian five seconds into the rapture because I'm like, oh, this is in the movie. Right.

I know. Right. I'm with dad. Dad goes, it's not about religion. It's about what I've seen. And I'm like, yes, but only because you're in a movie where they can make you see this bullshit. But yeah, exactly. With me in that world.

Yes. So you know the thing where it's like, How many owls do you need to see in a day before you worry about it or whatever? I do know that thing. For me, in terms of piles of clothes, it's two. And I'm like, rapture. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Depending on where they are, but yeah. So, Anne, and kind of sort of stepkid, if you're listening, you know, you are two piles away from a pretty awesome prank. Let's call it three. Let's call it three. Okay. All right. One for Bailey.

Just a dog sweater on the couch as well. And he's like, all right. or not we would never put Bailey in a dog sweater. All right. What? They hate it. You're cheating the world out of Bailey and I got in a dog.

How would you not put you? Who cares what she wants? She's a dog. Who cares what we want? We're people. Take a single piece of bacon and put it on the floor and she will forget everything that's happened. That's true.

And you shouldn't know that. See, this true of Heath as well. We can put it in whatever sweater we want. Is that the deep? No. Yeah. Who taught you the deep truths?

So yeah. Anne calms me down with bacon and belly rubs so often. I just get all worked up. I watch like a Fox News segment or whatever. I was quoting what I said, put a piece of bacon down and he doesn't remember. That's what we do as well. So yeah,

but then we come back to the compound so Damon can burst into Sarah's room and give her a good talking to for helping those kids escape. Right. She also sleeps with their lights on. they just got electricity to spare her in this fucking place, smacks the shit out of her. And then he leaves and he locks her in. And I'm like, hey, man, as soon as he put you in a room that locks from the outside,

you know, like you should have got suspicious. That's a little suspect. Doesn't it seem like she'd go in the box for what she's done? You would think? It's empty. Yeah. Do you think he's like, guys, we got to make another box. I'm trying to punish Alan and Sarah now.

And we have the one. And there's the whole argument about the dicks. And we've only got an outy box. There's no. We can't put them in the box together because that's again, that's seven minutes in heaven. That's a reward. The reward is seven minutes in the box with my sister. Jesus Christ.

I'm just coming up with systems. You're not going to have any systems. No illusions is the problem. You're going to be out there. What do we do? I've already got a hierarchy of box punishments and box rewards. Oh, God, you have a sister too. This is why you're the bar at the compound in the rapture.

It's right. So, okay. So, but somehow. We've always said that. Without using a vehicle in any way, henchman 1 has somehow got ahead of the kids and dad in the woods, right? So, like, this is it. We have the moment where, like, he can't bring himself to shoot dad.

And, okay, yes, he can. But then dad leaves in front of the bullet and to protect Gabby, right? Which means as they were running, dad must have just occasionally been like, and not. Nope. Nope. You do the singing once you know it's happening. I thought I would just dive in front of you occasionally.

You know, I did that whole model. I was diving in terms. I don't have the witness. Watch the video. Watch the video. Yeah, not now it actually makes sense for us to say that. It's free. It's free like everything else. So yeah, but he, but dad died protecting her, but he's like, he died in a, like, has enough, like, the henchman dies to.

But he dies. Dad dies in a, like, has enough time to have final words kind of way. But we don't see him floating naked out of his clothes in front of his children. Like you fucking cowards who made this movie, just stick to your canon. Is that the rules? Show us the conjoined twins at the

moment. Show us the float outs. Yeah, no, after the rapture, does everybody Yoda when they die? I don't think that's how it happens. I think you're making, like everyone who believes in the rapture, I think you're making that out. You don't think people float out of their clothes naked. Isn't that?

Not after the rapture. Is what you're proposing, thank you, no illusions. Is what you're proposing is that post rapture, everyone who dies gets a little mini rapture? Well, every Christian. Every Christian, it's floated out of their clothing. First of all, the rapture's not canonical, but that's definitely not canonical.

It's not even canonical in the fucking, in the weird guy, you're ruining Kirk Cameron's weekend. Eli, you'll need to join me later. We'll meet you over here in the whisper corner after the record. In the seven minutes of heaven. the edit box. Now, of course, much like this movie

didn't have time to deal with mom's disappearance, it also doesn't have time to deal with dad's death, right? So like three minutes

after dad died, we've got the punch, dot, that's getting ready to go back and liberate the rest of the people that's spy music,

not fuck music. I know it's harder for our younger. Just right away, Gabby's like, okay, reach your finale, right?

We're doing your finale. Yes, yeah, exactly. Like going up. Yeah, right. Now, because like,

Claire has just been a pain in the ass and the writer can't figure out what to do with her. They're like, we're going to leave you in the woods and then come back to you at the end of the movie. Don't worry, literally nothing will happen to you at all. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, I know. I'm Christian.

It's all going to work out. There's no tension in this movie. Yeah, right. Okay. Shut up. I smell gas. I'm next. Don't starve to death out here.

So I would say if we're not back in, oh, no, because we could get put in the punishment box and then maybe come out. sometime between you starving to death and leaving too early, don't. Yeah, no, she says, okay, here's your actual life. She goes, if we're not here by morning, walk down that road. And she points at a road and I'm like, a direction would help, right? Okay, here's the thing. There's not a lot of kids out there.

And so there's going to be a select population of billionaires for whom you are very valuable right now. Oh, no. All right. So use that to your advantage. but only if we're not back by morning. Stay here until 7, 8 o'clock, sleep in. And then if you get put in a box, just plug up the holes.

Yeah. Plug up the hose entirely. Holes are not for you. No holes in Claire's box. So, okay. So then we, the kids go back to the prison. I'm moving on as quickly as I can. So.

If you don't want it takes for me to go, for me to make a fucking, bite a lemon face. For me to be like, eh, let's move on. I think we just went too hard, guys. Yeah. So, okay.

Not so sure about that one, tell us. So we end up, we go back to the prison with the three kids. They split up, right? Each of them has a job to do. We first, we follow Flynn. Flynn's got henchman one's gun now, right? He's armed and dangerous.

He goes to the, to the prison to let out the other guys that are there. He doesn't have the keys, but that's okay. He don't need no keys. He's a homeless person, so he knows how to pick locks with paper clips. Yeah, there's a lot of paperwork in post-rapture farm compounds. You can have a desk with plenty of stuff like that, including. You've got to keep your papers organized.

We're not animals, okay? Just because the rest of the world's gone away. You run out of staples, but you won't run out of paper. Can I say what I like about the paper clips can open a lot? lock thing, right? So what has happened is the public consciousness has gone from Bobby pin can open a lock,

which is not true, but makes sense because wibble wobble, right? So someone was like Bobby pin shaped like key. And there's two pieces to it. And two. So, and I saw a key that one has wobble. One does not. That's Bobby pin. But then someone was like,

it's like metal stuff. So now it's just any metal thing that goes. goes into a lock is a key. So there are not locks. No. No. No, exactly.

It's just, keys are simply the thinnest metal we own. And all you need is other metal. I want to point out that, yes, you can't open like handcuff locks and shit like that with just a paper clip. But yeah,

this is not a, they're not opening handcuffs at this point. Yeah. Is this the thing you learned while you were chopping wood? What happened while you were chopping wood that you later needed to escape from hand? I did learn to open handcuffs. fucking favor club. I'll tell you that.

But yeah, I got really good at chopping wood. I learned my lesson. So we got, we have Josh's job now. Well, Flynn is rescuing these guys. Josh's job is to set a fire as a distraction. So he lights one single match and touches it to one single blade of grass. So that ought to do the trick. It's the best. And he sneaks over to his fire lighting spot. And he hides behind fucking golden eye barrels.

Yep. Sure does. Sure does. Walk fast. He lights the fire. Guys, if we didn't leave space by, behind our piles of barrels, there would be nowhere for the bad guys to hide. I would be so much easier on us.

Tight. We got to keep them tight to the buildings. I've said this. But yeah, so, but he says to fire. And then Flynn unlocks the prison, but he does it too slow because just as he does, Henchie 2 shows up and he's got a shotgun. Okay. This is funny because Henschman 2 pulls the shotgun out, points it at him.

And then without them saying a word, immediately has like a meltdown of conscience while he's holding them a gunpoint he's just like I can't do it I'm a good guy now switching why are we bad guys I don't understand there doesn't seem to be a necessity for bad guys there's no larger threat and all the good characters are like oh we were going to try to get

no he's already to oh we're just going to okay we're going to leave were you guys going to kill me no you're going to leave well that's what we want Yeah. Stop following us. Had Damon never had someone at his house before this? It seems like that's maybe what happened. He's just trying to figure that out on the fly.

He was like inviting a kid over in high school. He was like, you can come over and play PlayStation. And then if it doesn't work out, you go in the punishment box. No? All right. Well, you sound like that Harvard interviewer to me. Does it go in or out? So we cut over to Gabby and Josh.

they meet back up. And now Gabby has to sneak in the house to rescue Sarah. Now, luckily, the paranoid prepper guy in the middle of the apocalypse when the marauders are coming leaves all his doors unlocked in his house when he sleeps. Well, look, we might have shotguns in a punishment box, but we're a doors unlocked neighborhood. Kids play in each other's yards, not a cell phone in sight. Locks don't really exist. You just stick anything in there.

Put any piece of metal in them. Apparently, that's real. your no illusions and you just killed somebody with a wood chopping axe to celebrate your 40th birthday. So then elsewhere we got Josh waking up Rachel. Remember Rachel? No.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah. And he's like, hey, we're making a break for it. And everybody's like, oh, we're going with you now, I guess. Which is weird because we're at a farm. I would not do that. To be clear. Like I would, first of all, Damon's one guy. He appears to have two henchmen.

that's three guys I need to be like, hey, new rules, no punishment box. Yes, right. And also, like, I don't know, it's only two guys.

One guy I just needed to be like, stop it. And he was like, right, yeah, exactly, exactly. Eugene just let him go. I wanted a few people

that they're trying to rescue to just be like, no. Yeah. Are you like good guys doing our, we're good. The farm is important.

We're just going to like overthrow the two guys. We're going to find for us. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. And Eugene is on our side now, apparently.

want us to rescue you? And the other guy's dead. So it's really just the one guy. We vote you can leave. Speaking of the one guy, though, so David, we come back to Damon, he notices the fire, right? So he runs out to take care of that. This is when Gabby breaks Sarah out.

And she's like, let's go. And she's like, are you sure we don't have some excitement and tension? And she's like, no, let's just leave. And they're like, oh, okay. So, yeah. So, so Damon runs off to try to, like, fight the fire and, like, put the fire in the shut out. But he realizes there's not enough people there.

trying to help him fight the fire. It's almost like a bunch of people have escaped. Oh. Right. So, okay. So we get to Flynn and the prisoners. They get back to Claire in the woods without arousing a whole bunch of suspense or excitement or anything.

But don't worry, Gabby and Josh are still out there. Maybe they'll make it exciting. Oh, yeah. They're running to the truck. Yeah. Sarah's like, I got the keys to the truck. But she also, she has them on like a giant janitor ring of like 200 keys. So that's there's this.

Great, she goes, I don't know which key it is. And I'm just like, well, it's probably the one with the logo for the fucking make of car that you're getting into. Right. Like, I mean, ignition keys are distinct. How many of them are car keys? Right. Plus, you can just use a paper clip if you need to in this universe. Any piece of use of fire or chop wood chopping eggs.

Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, but apparently they steal Damon's truck. And Damon is like, he's realized that they're making a break for it, right? So he's running behind them. and they're like, oh, well, you got in the truck, you're fine. But no, he's got another truck sitting right there. So he gets in that truck, right? Which means that there was ignoring each other car chase

that this movie doesn't include where he's driving behind them. And they're like, stop. Stop. They just pull over and wave him around and he goes. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Damn it. Damn it.

Ah, they lost me. So, well, but literally, okay, the way that they get away from him is turn left. Right. They get ahead of him. He's driving behind him. And Sarah's like, oh, there's a road that you can turn on up here. And he goes, oh, okay, hold on. And he turns.

And then, and then Damon goes straight. Guys, just have this Toyota Tundra dive into the bushes for a second. Yeah, I guess. Do you do not make a camo shed for your car? Well, we're fucked then. Yeah. So he realizes that he's giving him the slip. He's like nose breathingly mad at this point, you know.

And then Gabby and John. are like, hey, you know, you have to, we have to still have to go get Claire and Flynn and all the prisoners and stuff. She's like, all right, down this road, there's a farm. Meet me there. I wanted there to be a different preper cult there in the midst of their own revolution. Oh, yeah. I love that just down the road, there's a farm as a specific enough direction in this world. But yeah, so they make it back to Claire. She yells Gabby's name, even though she knows that they're hiding because that's what she does. Every time someone enters the fucking. scene. And then we cut to like, it's the next morning. They've been walking all night, I guess,

looking for this farm down the street they were supposed to meet Sarah at. And just as they're going like, hey, maybe she met the other way down the road. A rifle shot rings out and hits a tree right behind him. It turns out that Damon has found them after all. And he's only fucking eight feet away from him, but still missed him with the goddamn rifle. Okay. Gentlemen, I admit, I'm not a gunsman. If so, Someone has a hunting rifle. Yeah, with a scope. Yeah.

With a scope. And it's not like windy or it's rainy or anything like that. And there's four of you. And the Secret Service is there and they don't notice. And there's no visible damage to the ear. Yeah. You could just, why don't they just run at him? Oh, I see.

Okay, I thought you were going a different way. All right. Can you like, I don't know how. I don't know how they work. So maybe you can super fast. I'm sure there's someone on YouTube who can do it super fast. I mean, like, who goes first? Like, who's the fastest?

Like, I can see who's all running. The homeless guy, obviously. I would say, like, we're all running towards them, all try to be slower than the other three. It would just, it would not work out well. It wouldn't work out well. You got to do the duck, like, odd job, strath, get in there with the child.

Well, that's it. Yeah, no, you got to be unpredictable. Serpentine. Yeah. Exactly. Serpentine. So, yeah, but they run away. Damon, though, really wants to murder these children.

because of all the atheism. So they come across a I don't fucking know. I wrote book depository in my notes. So, yeah. Speaking of golden eye, they find another golden eye level. Yes. They find a paintball,

of course. It even has a fucking red barrel, man. Yeah, there's barrels. Literally, one will explode. And this is apparently like a subway under a farming community. I have no idea what this was. It's full of graffiti.

It's like an, urban subway environment. It's a painful course. It's a painful. I promise you it's a paintball course. So yeah, they very noisely hide. Damon comes in and it takes them a real long time to realize that the ground here is sandy and there are footprints in it.

Right. But he remembers about footprints. And so he like suspenseful slowly walks towards them. And they're like cornered in this room and we're like, ooh, how are they going to get out? But then when he opens the door, it turns out there was another door leading. out of the room and they just went through that. So, this is where he shoots at the fucking red barrel and it explodes next to him and everything. Yeah.

But then, okay, so they duck into this room and when they do, Flynn, the homeless kid, his foot breaks through the floor. Okay. Okay. This is, I laughed a lot here. Because Flynn does a dive roll under one of the bullet shots on the way out of this. He dodges a bullet with a fucking dive. Dodges a bullet with a dive roll and I was like, oh, Flynn lived on the streets.

He knows how to dive roll under a bullet. God, bullets, obviously. One second later, I wrote, never mind, he immediately got his leg stuck inside the floor. Like Eli at an escape room. Well, right. And he can't get out. And you're just like, why don't you just push the floor

until your leg isn't in it anymore? But apparently he needs help. You know, they're like, he's like, leave me, leave me. And they're like, what are you taught? Leave this is so stupid. but Josh can't leave him now even though he's a rival for Gabby's love. Josh.

So fucking this is why you're not getting that. Can I just say, Josh, this is why. When the guy who's kissing your girlfriend gets trapped in the floor, that's your fucking shot. Yeah, yeah. Josh. But no, he can't leave without him. So he gets him out.

But just as he does. Kill your sexual rival. Hey, if there's anything we want you to take away from today's episode of God Offa Movie. kill your sexual rivals. Fun fact, you can see the cuts now. Morgan, do the title. Do you kill your sexual rivals, but it's gold.

And it shines. None of that. So Flynn's stuck in a dryer. Anyway, bad guy catches up. Right, right. But they get him out. And just then, Damon, the bad guy comes in. And of course, we know that he's going to step forward and fall through the floor.

So he has this, like, hilariously long, stupid monologue where he's like, he's telling Gabby to choose which one of them. he's going to kill or whatever. Okay. What the fuck happened to this character's motivation? They've gone truly insane. He's turned into like Nick Cage here. Oh, do you think he was trying to do like an homage to like that other left behind?

100%. Oh, there you go. So what happened is they were like, Hey, hear me. Choose one. Hear me. Damon is supposed to have gone completely insane in this scene. And this actor was like, I ain't going to yell like no queer.

And they were like, oh, I mean, show that he's insane. and he was like, what if I say, and this is my exact delivery, I am talking to you. That is an insane choice, man. Does that communicate? I'm insane. When he said, I am talking to you? Do you think yelling is gay?

Is that what you said? Yeah. No, I'm like a queer. I'm not like that yelling stuff. So, because I'm the villain. So, yeah. I'm talking to you. He steps forward and he falls to the floor,

and it's one of the most unintentionally hilarious. moments in the history of this fucking show, right? It's almost perfect physical comedy. I challenge you to watch this scene and not laugh out loud. I had to pause. I had to, I truly had to pause. I was already laughing because fucking Flynn fell through the floor a little bit. And then this happened.

Perfect. Yeah. Absolutely accidentally. Lawless. The funniest thing that could have happened. It was amazing. Also, I did enjoy one little moment where he's going crazy and he's doing the like, choose one life for the other, yelling at it,

Abby and she can't decide. And I wanted Josh to yet be like, hey, way too fucking slow. Childhood best friends? He doesn't even go here. We just met him. Even if I am in the friend zone, I'm in the fucking friend zone. I'm in the friends zone. I've been there for

a decade. Yeah. What do you talk? If me and Heath were cornered by a psycho with someone we had met at Platinum night and he was like, I'd be like, with the rest of the 40 novellas, the other 39 novellas are going to be like, now we're walking past this tree. Just in case someone

asks us to choose its life over mine, I'd love for you to choose my life. I thought I'd clarify that. Because apparently I need to. He falls to the floor. They run out. They look down the hole and we see him, eh, a-h-heng his way to death. He's falling on some kind of press

or something. Josh. Josh does the like, yeah, it looks down and like, she looks down and the like he's not going to make it thing. And I was like, yeah, we got it. I feel like, I feel like I feel like you don't run up right to the edge of the death floor to check. He felt like, what, seven feet down to whatever. I wanted Josh to peer over and just get shot right away.

Oh, right. He had a gun. Choose again. Yeah, he's like, I was going to choose you, Flynn. I was going to choose Flynn. I was trying to remember your name. I just forgot. So that night, they all camp.

I wrote my notes. How were there still 10 non-credits minutes left? The dialogue is so bad at this point. It starts Flynn sits down next to Gabby and says, you're doing okay? And I'm like, yeah, man, she's doing fine. She's fucking killing it. He's trying to flirt again. He's trying to keep it cool but flirt.

He's like, so, God, did a slapstick Bradfall thing today with us. There's Christian Jesus God that did it with his Jesus match. Hey, so you're probably wondering if it's weird because you couldn't choose between me and the homeless guy we met a couple days ago. But I want you to know that it's not because I'm one of the. those boys. Yeah, it was the homeless guy that she was talking to, but yeah. Josh, get out of my sky. And she goes, she looks up at her dead dad.

And she's like, you know, dad, maybe you were right about all this Jesus stuff. And then she looks over to the left slightly and switches to talking to God because apparently he's slightly to the left. Like Colbert, doing the like camera switch. Yes. All right. God

and Jesus, it's nice to meet you. He said it's in Jesus's right hand and then, okay, yeah, yeah. Joseph Smith, it's nice to meet you. So Mary? She goes, God, you know, I don't really know what I'm supposed to say, but I'd like to open with pointing out how weird it is that you have special cancers for children. Like you had to make those, didn't you?

Weird. Anyway, I'm a Christian now. And then we get like a. It all worked out. I guess a prayer's eye view? I'm mysterious. Yeah. Of her prayer, wafting to heaven.

So, okay. So, God, Jesus, there's still more movie. Wanted Jesus to catch it. Yeah. So don't eat it. The following morning, everybody's milling about... What gives me my powers! Everybody's milling about to camp.

They're about to go foraging for food, right? I mean, I don't know why. David's dead. Now you can go back to the fucking farm. Also, you walk to, like, you're very close to plenty of civilization. You're in, like, suburban Chicago. Yeah. You're fine.

And a second later, they step like five steps away. And it's like, oh, it's a convenience store. Is it 7-11? an operating 7-11. An operating. Okay. So podcast listener, I've spent this entire episode not talking about the twist of this movie. It was almost my best worst,

but I didn't want to spoil it for you. To be clear, in this scene, what is established is that relatively quickly after they walked down the railroad tracks to the apocalypse prepper farm, the power all turned back on and society restarted. And everything's been fine the whole fucking time,

and nobody bothered to check the news. And they're in a 7-Eleven with everyone being like, hey, you didn't get involved in like a crazy farm called, did you? It was just a power was just out for like 18 hours. You guys waited like a day before you wandered into the wilderness to survive on your own, right? Anyway, do you have more hot dogs on the roly thing? Oh, yeah, I wanted them to just like walk into an affluent Jewish suburb that didn't notice anything. Yeah, right.

But that's like almost what happens. Yeah, yeah. So now they can go back to Chicago. So we have this scene. First of all, they bury their dad where he fell. And I'm like, the power's back on, guys. We're not in a society's restarted. You can't just bury people in red.

You either have a fucking, the buses are running world or you have a buried dad on the side of the road. You don't bury down on the side of road and then get on a bus. And then they get on a bus. Oh, where are you kids coming from? We buried our dad in the woods. In retrospect. we overreacted to the disappearance of 0.01% of the population. Yeah, right, right.

The internet was slow for like a couple hours, though. I didn't get bars for like 12 hours, so we joined the cult. And we gave Claire to a strange woman. We did murder a guy. I mean, the floor mostly got it, but yeah. Hey, have you guys ever seen a punishment box? Anybody? Yeah.

It takes in or takes out. So, okay. So we watch the... Take a poll of this bus. They're on this bus. by themselves and there's like the whole like you know does she love Flynn does she love Josh moment again and they're on the bus they're watching more shit about the anti-christ and everything and we start to see as they get closer to Chicago a lot of military vehicles are actually

one military vehicle but you get the impression that it's a lot goodbye you know military stuff was happening so they step out in Chicago Chicago is rebuilding now from the you know Christian's not pushing the button of don't explode And if they come across, you know how in Chicago, we've been to Chicago, you know how there's like giant TVs everywhere for the citywide public addresses? Sure. Like most mediocre apartment buildings, they have five or six enormous screens and a speaker system that speaks to everybody on the block. And you know how when a screen is playing in a city, everyone in the city stops and looks at that screen all together to see what's on it. Yeah.

So fun fact, they usually use that for the weight for Piquad's pizza, but then when the Antichrist as a speech. Interesting. Okay. Tiny little stupid detail. They also had a stock ticker on this mediocre building, but they have no idea what might go on a stock ticker. Right. They just have the idea of like, there's letters and then numbers. The numbers have to the letters, right?

The numbers are prices, but they probably go to like 10,000ths sometimes. right. So, okay. Whatever. So, and of course, what we're seeing here is the rise of the Antichrist, right? Nicola Carpathia is on the screen telling everybody about the one world government they're going to do now. His title is Global Community Leader. Oh, okay.

That's already been established. Interesting. Yeah. You would have thought it would be something more grandiose. But yeah, that's the movie right there. Like, well, but we know better because we saw the thumb drive about the Antichrist. And that's it. despite their grand plans for parts two and three,

which both saddens me and gives me hope at the same time. The guys who made this, they went out of business afterwards. Aw. Oh, but there was a good, we did end on good news. It says in loving memory of Tim Leahy,

so he's dead now, which is, yeah, fucking hated that guy. Right? And while that does it for our review, a vanish left behind next generation, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet,

because we still need to produce our own sequel. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Many people swear reality's been altered. Movies, products, and more don't line up with their memories. Oh, God damn. Could a supernatural force be editing history? No. We'll be watching the Mandela Effect phenomenon. Oh, awesome. That sounds like...

I will be vindicated. I don't think that you will. So with that to look forward to working episode 563 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their range, you can make a per episode donation of patreon. dot offline thereby earn early access to an every version of every episode which by the way you can also watch on youtube if you'd like to see eli and heaths dance it's free during the outro you can also help with time by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on our various social media platforms

and if you enjoyed this show be sure check out our sibling shows that's getting any of the citation needed d and d minus and the skeptic and available wherever podcast live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email godofo movies and gmail dot combe. tamperson takes care of our theme song was written and performed by ryan slap new drafts on mars all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer morgan cook and was used with permission thanks again for giving us a trick of your life this week for Heath and Wright and Eli positive. I'm Noel Elishan promise to work and heard of the check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with

the American graffiti clothes. The world was just so much better. Obviously just clearly better. Everything's great. Kirk Cameron also wondered why they didn't bring him back. The remains of Damon's cult felt really

silly when the cable repair guy came that weekend. Oh, no, it's back on guys. Never mind. Never mind. Post alarm. Can I come out of the box? No. No. Not all of you anyway. This is my American atheist water bottle. I won it.

For being the most American of atheists. Exactly. I believed in the fewest gods. They went down there and it turned out that somehow I believed in negative gods. I always knew Aaron Rae believed in a couple of the weird ones. I always knew He had a soft spot. No one looks like that and doesn't have a little. He believes in a snake god. Yeah. There's no fucking shot.

Yeah. Yeah. The one from Conan, the barbarian or whatever. 100%. 100%. If he did a little magic spell, I'd be like, yeah.

Well, right, right. I don't think it would change a lot of my worldview. I'd be like, yeah, but you got it. Well, obviously. It was the exception that proves the rule. Like that guy obviously did pirate snake mask. just now. Prophe protons.

Like, obviously. All right. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-2494255 or on their website

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