God Awful Movies - 566: The Fort

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

This week, Viced Rhino joins us to review a hodgepodge of out-of-order scenes and retrofitted cameos that just barely crosses the bar of "movie."---Come see us live in Washington, DC on August 14th!: https://www.atlasarts.org/events/god-awful-movies/---Check out more from Viced Rhino here: https://www.youtube.com/c/vicedrhinoIf you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business. But Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like I can't stop. I'm addicted. Start your free trial at Shopify.com. If we just forget this whole podcasting thing, and the three of us just spend the next six or seven years trying to put together this movie in order. We get this footage down off to be.

We really hunker down. We need to shoot a lot of new scenes. I think, and we do some of that. We do some reshoots. I'm glad to say that all these actors are available. Or pay adults. Everyone involved is available. Denny has passed away of old age.

But other than that. I don't know. she seems like she might be a litch. Yeah. Spry? Yep. God awful. Movie.

Movie. Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because suffering is noble, apparently. I'm your host, Noah Lusions. Heath is off this week, but setting 900 miles to my northeast

is my bad friend, Eli Bostic. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Well, hello, Noah, it's me. Survivor Bosnick. Ready to review a movie here with my very real bandage that I keep on my... Yeah, no, I think we're going to have to pay you extra for the costuming now, yeah.

I think I know why he keeps toilet paper right beside his computer, though. Yeah, yep, you sure too. And that voice, of course, comes from YouTube's very own, Viced Rhino. Vice, it's been a while. Welcome back. Hi, how's it going? It's going good. I didn't even know you had a hat bit.

You know what? You guys are YouTubers now. When you watch a movie that has as many bad hats ended as this, you need to wear bad hats. You need to bad hat it up. All right. No, that's fair. I have a whole selection beside me. I will be changing throughout.

Excellent. Excellent. This is my dogs, but I'm wearing it. I see podcasts. I've got nothing. I'm just going to put my phone on my head or something. It's desperate. I'm desperate.

I won't stay. I mean, work goggles will work as well. All right. I don't have those either. It'd be amazing. If no, it's like, oh, thank goodness. Swivels the panel behind him and pulls from a selection of 36 goggles. Yeah.

So, okay. So let's start to make a. some damn sense of this. Tell us vice. What will we be breaking down today? Today we watched The Fort. It is a Kevin Sorbo and Dean Cain extravaganza that barely has any Kevin Sorbo or Dean Cain. Or extravaganza when it comes right down to it. Yeah. Yeah. The trailer definitely makes it more exciting than it was. Doesn't it? Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love gritty horror survival movies so much that you wish your local retirement home would put it on as a sort of school play,

you will love this movie. What's amazing is that the main character actually was an actor, right? Like, he wasn't a great actor, but he was an actor, and nobody else was, which was lovely. Well, of course, except for the cameos. So there's anything you guys want to nominate this one

for being the best, to be the worst hat? I have two best worst. The first is, of course, best worst, disappointing cameo. and it almost takes positions number one and two for that. Really? I don't know which of the disappointing cameos you meant. Yeah. So when Eli and I were emailing back and forth about which movie to select,

the reason we landed on this one was because I'm like, okay, well, I've talked about a few of them. This one doesn't just have Kevin Sorbo. It doesn't just have Dean Kane. It's got both of them. And then I watched it and was like, well, would we say it has them? Technically. Yeah. Homeopathic amounts of Dean.

So, but you said you have a second best worst for us as well? My second best worst is a, it's kind of meta. So I was inspired by Lydia Smith when you had her on a few weeks ago to do a little bit of digging into the company that made this movie. Fuck Thomas Smith. Well, she's the one that does the research. He's just a pretty face. Wow. So not a nice thing to say about Lydia Smith.

I would never say that about you, Lydia. And like Thomas listens to the show a lot. So I think it's crazy you would say that about his wife. Yeah. No, that's cool. Whatever you want to say. Lived Rhino, right? Just viced rhino the way it sounds.

Okay, yeah, if anyone wanted to email you about, like, talking about women's bodies or faces or whatever, that's probably. She's like, I would never comment. Oh, man, I forgot. I have, like, nine hours on one woman in this movie. Never mind. Yeah, no, I saw some of those notes and were like, I don't know that I'm comfortable jumping in on this. This movie is by a company called J.C. films, which when I looked at their movie selection and, the movies that you guys have covered.

It seems that the only one you had covered by this company before is the wonderful, I Can't Breathe, which, just to remind the listeners, that was the one where it was like, what if George Floyd was white? And cops were still bad to white people. Okay, yeah, to remind the listeners, yeah. So that was the only movie you guys had done. And so I'm like, okay, well, I'm going to look into this company, see, like, it seems like a goldmine. And the first thing that came up was a Facebook post about someone who donated, like, $2,500

to fund a specific. movie and then they never made that movie and then they sued them to get their donation back and won. Okay. Yep. And then the guys never paid. But more important than that, I guess this would be best, worst, harrowing experience listening to an episode of God awful movies because when you had Marchon to do, what was it, the Manchester, Miracle at Manchester, I was nervous because that's the same film studio and he does research. So he might be like pulling the rug out from under me here, but he didn't. So that was funny. There you go. So the Miracle at Manchester people are also suing this company.

Because for breach of contract, for fraud, for copyright infringement, apparently they misrepresented some stuff in the movie. Apparently, a bunch of the profit from the movie was supposed to go

to the charity that they set up to buy iPads for cancer kids. And it's not. No shit. So like... It's an iPad for Dean Kane instead. So Jason Campbell, the guy who founded JC film,

seems to be kind of a piece of shit, who keeps getting sued. Yeah. Just because someone gets sued a bunch of times. doesn't mean that they're a piece of shit. Sometimes they think it's a really funny bit to accuse very popular Christian filmmakers of a very specific rape on a date and a time. And that's actually super funny. It was funny.

That's the thing. It was funny. Thank you. We're not saying anything about the Christiano brothers. Yeah, the judge agreed that it was funny. We're really not. All right. So I'm going to move on quickly as our least.

legal team has suggested. And I'll go with best worst, and this is obviously related to yours, best worst post-production edition of Kevin Sorbo. So we've seen this happen a number of times, right? So somebody makes a cheap Christian movie. Someone else buys the rights to that movie and they say, hey, let's add a thing where Kevin Sorbo walks in at the beginning and says, huh, the movie, and then walks out at the end and says, that was the movie, right? So they did that with this movie, but there was no room for him. So we have this like sort of retrofitted. flashback thing where he's now the adult version of a kid that doesn't do anything in the movie and he's telling us this story. And as we go, you're going to see just how desperately they were

trying to squeeze the, you know, whatever, four minutes and 15 seconds he agreed to do out of that performance. I have a theory about this one that I developed based on one of Noah's notes later on in the thing. It's happened often enough at this point that I think there might be a lingo among Christian movie makers, right? Of like, oh, did you sorboerize it? You should sorboize it. No, no, no, no. Let me text his wife.

Let me text his wife. Can he do 12 minutes? They did the same thing with Dean Kane, right? Because obviously that scene didn't exist in the first version. So the thing that I forgot to mention about this production company is that they seem to be, like their sole purpose seems to be to keep Kevin Sorbo and Dean Kane working because they've released 14 movies in 2026 and only three of them. do not have either Dean Kane or Kevin Sorejo or both.

Okay. All right. So yes, there is definitely a lingo for it at this point. And Eli, what was you? What did you have for us? I'm just going to tease it. I'm just going to tease it. Best, best love interest.

Okay. All right. We're talking about the doctor, right? Oh, yeah. He's my love interest. So, okay, so this week has us working with a shockingly convoluted script for a movie where nothing happens. So we're going to take a quick break to strategize,

but back in a minute with all the stuff that made more sense in the writer's head, that was The Fort. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever writers room meeting for The Fort. Woo! Yeah. So as you guys know, we've got Christian movie superstar Kevin Sorbo for this one. Oh, yeah.

Right. Right. Now, that does mean there's going to be a little bit of a writing challenge ahead for us. Oh, what kind of challenge? Okay, so as you know, our cameo, I mean contract, only lasts for three 90-second segments. And we're not actually allowed to give him a script. So he's going to, you know, vamp and then we'll just kind of write a movie around whatever he says. Oh, that doesn't sound like it's going to make a lot of sense.

Yeah, no, it might not. It might not. But I've got more good news. Yeah? Yeah. Dean Cain might walk across the parking lot and he's not allowed to stop us from filming him if it's in public.

Nice. This movie's going to be great. This movie fucks. Okay. What about this one? It says we need a cassalais dish. What is a casselay dish? No idea.

Hey, fellas. You ready to record the rest of the podcast? I wish, Noah. We were getting hungry. So we look for some quick and easy meals. but they are not quick and easy. Do we have any fond d'art replicants? They're in Heath's room and we can't use them.

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All right, Noah. Thanks. So, by the way, why aren't you allowed to use the fond on Ramikins? Nobody knows. I feel like I know. Is it where he keeps the later cheese? Oh. And we're back for the breakdown. Weiss has an even more spectacular hat on.

And we're going to start off with Ksorbs walking up to a building that has Fort spray painted across it with the backwards are a la Toys R Us. Yeah. I want to say this is the extent to which the name of the fort will ever make sense, right? Well, I think this is where they're hiding, but it's weird because they make it clear that they're hiding, but then they just wrote Fort on the outside. Like, here we are. Not a good, yeah.

Yeah, no, they're really bad hiding. Yeah. Although I will say, got to love a good 78 minute runtime. Yeah. When he gets inside the building, one of the pieces of graffiti is just the words, no hope, please. And I know it's supposed to be about how bad it is in the apocalypse. But I think that they just wrote that for the actors, right?

They like started each day. And they were like, hey, everybody, it's going to go bad. So, you know, this is our version of the whiteboard. And one of the kids in this post-apocalyptic hellscape has braces. Yeah. Where did you get the braces from? The dry erase markers are still working just fine in the apocalypse. She was born with the apocalypse.

Yeah, like we find out later that it's been the apocalypse for at least 50 years. Yes. Do they have post-apocalyptic orthodontists? Yes. And eraser factories. Have you seen how dedicated orthodontists are to their craft? This is not like airplanes, which as we know, when the rapture happens, will all simultaneously fall out of the sky. Orthodontists, one, all Jewish, so we're fine there.

Oh, there you. Stick to their guns. So, but here's the thing, Eli, you said as the actors came in every day, I want to be clear that there's not an every day here, right? This is the one day shoot, because this is the Kevin Sorbo parentheses shoot. This is where they sorboized it. Yes, they had to Sorboize this movie that they already had. They're like, fuck, what can he do? And so they have him come in and it's post-apocalypse, and he's sitting there with a bunch of refugee kids going, hey, kids, would you like to hear a story in which I am a pretty minor tangential

character and they're like, yay! And then we're just flashback to him occasionally telling us what we just saw, right? Yeah. He also walked in with a lady who, she says nothing through the whole movie, but she's wearing ski goggles and is using the top of a fake Christmas tree as a cane.

Yep. No fucking clue on that. I feel like that was just in Sorbo's Rider. Just he met her a couple weeks ago, and he's like, she's with me. She's coming. So, yeah, but... She's my massage therapist.

All the kids have written everything that they can remember on the whiteboard, that's what's supposed to be. So they've written down like two plus six equals eight. They don't remember what two plus five equals, but they remember that two plus six equals eight. They do have four times two equals seven question marks. Yes. Now, I think, I think that's just the boomer writer of this movie.

They don't understand. Like, they're from an era when you just memorize your times table. Oh, there you go. The times table, there's no way to figure it back out again. The new math, they're not going to know. Yeah, exactly. Number bond with what? Is that a sex thing?

Yeah. He's like, you know, should you guys want me to tell you a story? And they're like, yeah, please tell us a story of the movie before you secured this cameo, right? So then we get our JC film studio logo. That's how parenthetical the Sorbo scenes are. They have them before the studio logos. And then we flash back into the movie where a wet man is desperately Jesus saying.

This is the actress Tim Perez-Ross, a star of such. classic says coronavirus patient zero coronavirus perfect storm and being trump oh god um those all sound like great opportunities for our movie i think feist rhino might have to come back for a few of these is all i'm saying absolutely um it's weird maybe that they saw coronavirus such a movie making opportunity like we haven't made the real movie makers haven't made a covid movie yet. And the Christians were like, good to fuck out of my way. I know exactly. I want to weigh in on this. I'm ready.

Yep. Weirdest part about this movie is seeing Kevin Sorbo being like, the virus was bad. We needed to take precautions against the virus. Yeah, right. I don't think you would, though. So, yeah, so, but we see this guy and he's like burying his family, right? And he's praying

to God. And he's like, God, you killed my family. Ah, thank you, I guess. You know. He gave them crosses, little crosses, but they're too small. They're too small. It makes me feel like his, like, if that size is crap, I think baby, right? That's a way to signal to me a dead baby is there.

So the fact that there was also a full grown woman makes me feel just like lazy crossmaking. Yeah, and like a 13 year old kit, yeah. Right? Because I know you have bigger stuff to form into a lowercase team, man. There's not a lot of craftsmanship. But he had to dig a hole as well. It's the whole thing. Yeah, well, okay.

But as he's doing this, a few heavies show up to see if he needs a proving scene. Goggles Heath. Yeah. Yeah. There's a guy in ski goggles and a guy in a child's fire helmet. Yes. Right. And then leading them is Keanu Reeves had a baby with Nick Cage.

Okay. All right. That's pretty goddamn descriptive, man. And yeah, this is where we're going to first start to make sense out of Weiss's headwear. for the show because this is the first guy who's just in a helmet for no fucking reason. No reason. It's also worth pointing out

because I said this when I talked about how bad was this movie. Everyone in this movie is 15 years older than anyone who should be in a movie that isn't about like heartwarming growth in the Italian country side. Like past the age of 40,

the only movie you should be in is I have reached this. troubled student and like, I'm getting my groove back. Sure. I was going to try and audition for some movies, Eli, but now you've ruined my hopes. I want everyone in this movie to stop fight choreography constantly to be like, my back, my back. Yeah, right. I mean, that does perfectly explain how the fight choreography that we have in this movie happened.

Honestly. Yeah, because, you know, the guy is the Keanu Cage is trying to tell him, hey, you should join us and are. religion of the fallen one. And he's like, no, I'm too Christian for that. And when they attack him, he takes his little shovel and we get the spectacularly lazy, like fight choreography where David A.R. White would be like, put some effort into it at least. Right? He just kind of slowly tiptoes up to the guy and then like hugs him a bit.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But then he dies because he's been stabbed with a shovel. Yeah. You know, shoveled, shovel shanked. It's been shovel shanked. And I will appreciate this. We don't see this enough.

He dies complimenting our hero. Yeah. Right? He gets shovel shagged and he's like, hey, you're really good at killing people. I know that your first answer was a no, but I feel like we're really getting close to a yes here. And so literally take my card and let me know if you ever want to convert to the Satanism.

Right. Yeah. So, and we're supposed to believe, because at one point, when he gets Keanu Cage, he's, I guess, stabs through the guy's ribs. Through both of his lungs and his heart and then out through the back and his spot. Yep. Right? So this guy's got some force behind his laser shovel.

I love the special effects on the bulge of the jacket as he's poking the shovel through. Right, right. Well, I love how fluorescent the blood is, right? The guy pulls his hand away from the wound and he's just got this like, you know, they've obviously, they've just had him hold a wet marker or something like that for a bit. Yes. So, yeah. So, but he dies.

This is Ammon. Right. And you might think that it might not matter that he's Amman since he dies, but he's going to be very important later. So then we get our title, The Fort, and we go back to Sorbo for a little bit more exposition. They were like, hey, we bought the full fucking package. Okay. We had him for the day. For the day. Yeah. And I like that the kids open this scene by being like, hey, sorry, did you open your story to us, all children about a guy murdering a demon and his followers over the graves of his family? family? And he's like, yeah, yeah, no, I didn't. And they're like, okay. To be fair, to be fair, these are the same people who think that God

committing genocide is a really cute kid story. No, right. Yeah. It's got animals in it. Yes, because he kills them. He's got big pairs of sheep in it. Yeah, where are the sheep at? Yeah. This is also the first time they bring up the virus, right? And I'm just like, guys, just name your fucking virus. You lazy ass fuckers just come up with a virus name, but they're going to refer to it as the virus the whole time. So I think it's hard to tell, but I think from some of the context clues that we get, the virus is supposed to be when they're possessed by demons. Okay. It's coming in a couple scenes, but when we flash back to his wife and kid, we know they die of the virus.

But the last thing we see of them is they do the eye thing that says that I'm possessed. I think you're doing a heath thing here. Yeah, I thought that was a nightmare. A bit of a stretch. We'll break it down when we get to it. We'll find out. Yeah. This actually ties into my theory that.

we're going to talk about at the end. Oh, interesting. Okay. So keep in mind. Teasers. I like it. So yeah. So then we, we unflash back from Sorbo to Cooper, who is our main character. He is the former army chaplain survivor during the apocalypse guy. And look, this movie has very little viewpoint. It's not right about the apocalypse. It's completely abiblical. But what they want you to know is that chaplains are actually pretty fucking badass, okay? I would like to point out for the record. I did look this up. Apparently, they don't have to,

but chaplains are allowed to skip basic training. Are they really? A lot of them don't. A lot of them don't. Most of them do from the numbers I could find. When they're out in the field, they have an assigned bodyguard who's supposed to do any of the fighting stuff. Oh, interesting.

Sometimes that guy dies, though. Sometimes that guy dies. And that's when the two to six, think about this, two to six weeks of field survival training really fucking kicks in. Who do you want? You want someone who is that more than

a fortnight of survival training? That's on you. You bicky bitch. So, and then we have this incredibly useless scene of Cooper pre-apocalypse, right? So the flashback's having a fucking flashback now. And Cooper's at his office job, right?

Where the guy comes in and he's like, oh, what are we going to do about the Asian markets and he's like, calm down, calm down. I'm the calm character now. And this is also where he explains that he and his family are going to go out to a survival camp out in West Virginia for their vacation, just in case any apocalypsees should happen. Well, they're out there. That'll explain why they would be out there. So this is important later because this is the first of many times where someone is told exactly where this place that they go is. Yes. And the main plot of the movie is people trying to find this unknown place. It would be on maps. They have the name of the place and it would be on,

yeah. The other thing is that what's very clearly apparent about this movie is that fucking ye old western townie, Hickok, Shake Bear Mountain agreed to let them film this movie, but they're like, but you're going to promote how awesome are our Western pirate cabin. Even if it conflicts with the plot, right? Yeah. Experience is, right? And they were like, oh, absolutely. We'll talk about it, which is why they end this scene. He goes, yeah, we're going to these camp things. And the guy goes straight. This is the exact performance.

Watch me. That sounds cool. Hey, if I ever say that to you, it's because I'm dialing 911 in my pocket. Right. But just as the guy said, the guy's like, you know, that sounds amazing and affordable for the whole family. And then he walks out. And just then Cooper gets a call on his phone. Or so he gets an alert on his phone.

turns on the news and there's been a biological attack. I'm sorry, no, he doesn't turn on the news. His spreadsheet on his computer turns into a TV broadcast. The biological attack was so bad. His computer turned into a TV. It did, yes. They save that for when there's biological attacks. Oh, interesting.

You know, I really hate it when I'm editing my spreadsheets. I'm putting in my deductions for the year and then the news just shows up on my spreadsheet. Right. Sometimes I don't care. It only happens when there's a biological attack. Right, right. It was very important stuff. But also, like, they already stepped on their own dicks here, right? Because what's supposed to be happening here is he's like, yeah, our family is going to go out to this vacation. And then they're supposed to be out in the vacation when the apocalypse happens.

But then they have the apocalypse happen three seconds later with the biological attack. And it's like, okay, well, then you went on vacation. Well, you were like, we're not going to let the apocalypse ruin our fucking vacation. We prepaid for that cabin. Huh, don't you think maybe it'd be best if we, darling, darling, I am not getting, it's going to be a nightmare to get a refund back. Most of those people are dead. We're going to the cabin.

Just think of how few other people are going to be there. We'll have it all to ourselves. Right. Yeah, exactly. Take the one and a half chromosomes that are our son. Okay. Yeah. So then we see him and his son and the wife. And the son is obviously, because the son has no lions here. He just sits there and they're like, you like baseball.

So you would have a baseball. glove on. You're a full fucking baseball uniform. Completely blank stare in a rocking chair, just rocking back and forth. I think this child, this real child is missing a lot of DNA. Like they say,

oh, you share 98% of DNA with a banana. He shares 99% DNA with a banana. It's 40. So, okay. So, yeah. Maybe you. Then they,

they, They try to figure out who's attacking, you know, who's doing the biological attack. And the movie's like, yeah, we're really not going to get into anything like that. And then she turns all pupil-less and jump scares at Cooper because she's a demon. But again, I think that's a nightmare. Yes. Yeah. Is it a nightmare?

Because so. Well, he wakes up immediately afterwards. Well, I got. Sure, but it's a flashback nightmare. So I got the impression that at this point, his wife and kid didn't actually die from a virus. They got possessed by the. the demon and he killed them. Oh, with his fucking shovel. He's shoveled

him to death. And they didn't show it? That is the impression that I got from this scene. It's like, oh, they're demons now. I think that, because this is a common affliction for God awful movies guests. You may be right. You may be right. But that seems so much more clever than anything that we know that

this writer did. So there's this, there's tendency that our guests have to, like, write a better movie around the material they've been given. It explains so much of his behavior later. And how quickly he is to violence. Well, no, that's true. Right. Yeah, we'll get there. No, that's interesting. So, yeah. So, but this is where

Sorboe jumps back into the, from the flashback or whatever, and he prompts the movie back on track. And he's like, he tells us about the light bringer. And basically that's it. He just says, and then there is the light bringer also as a character. And that, that's where we get our fucking Dean Kane cameo.

Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Man, Dean is looking rough. and ready to lose to an ice obstacle course at any moment. Yes. I know there's a lot of, there's a lot of chatter out there about how over,

people are overdoing the OZemPEC in Hollywood. But Dean, you don't need to listen to that, buddy. You go ahead and get yourself a GLB1, my friend. Maybe, maybe off topic a little bit, but I actually took the video of Dean Kane doing the obstacle course and put jaunty tuba music behind it because I felt like it did. Absolutely. Absolutely.

I believe that was already there. Nobody watched that fucking video. and didn't think it needed jaunty tube of music. So thank you for that, for what you have done for the community and for those species. So yeah, and also, by the way, so Dean Kane is supposed to be Satan here, I guess, or something.

It's unclear because he prays to the Lightbringer and the Lightbringer is Satan. So I think he's a prophet. Oh, well, that's true. So he's the Antichrist or something. The management structure is a fucking nightmare in the post-apocalypse. Let me tell you. But because Dean Keynes kind of sounds like this,

and they're like, wow, that doesn't sound very demon. They've put like a, like a demon voice. Like when like when we do demons in a sketch on this show. They gave him Sarah Huckabee's hand in his voice. Yes. Yes, exactly. I would never insult Morgan's work by comparing it to what they do in this movie. But I get it.

Yeah, but they didn't want him to sound like a sissy. So then yeah, he offers up a satanic prayer and resurrects Ammon. Well, first they debate about whether or not they should. And he, he's like, should we let him perish then? As if we've seen him do anything but just get himself killed in the first try. I think Ammon is supposed to be some badass that has a reputation or something, but they never establish it. No, right, because, like, you know, the other two guys didn't expect him to go all buck wild

with that fucking shovel. Ammon knew it was coming and didn't do shit. Yeah, he sucks. But, yeah, but Satan resurrects the shovel stabbed follower. And, hey, you know what? Already better than God. God never did that shit. Yeah.

And bonus, he had the Berdemichros flying around while he was resurrecting him. He did. Right. But he's like, and he's. He says, hey, whenever you see the Anointed one again, shoot him on the spot. The Anointed one being Cooper, apparently. He's the chosen one. Yeah.

If he kills you, don't do a bunch of compliments on the way out. That was weird. We all were watching from hell. Just go straight for the kill this time. Felt weird. The vibe was weird when you did that. We're going to meet my favorite character in this or any film, right? Because this is where Ammon goes out to recruit some satanic henchmen.

Fuck yeah, he does. So in this bar. And let's be clear that the bar is like Ed's basement, yes. But yeah, it's just some guy's wreck room. It's the Rotary Club. So show. So, yeah, in this bar, there are so many bad hats. Someone's in a plague doctor mask.

Yep. Someone is wearing a pair of like safety work goggles that happens to be the exact pair that I own myself. I looked for them so I could wear them on this record, but we moved like a year ago and they're still packed up somewhere. Yeah, so everybody has just been all these fucking church grandmothers and grandfathers have been asked to dress satanic for this scene and the extent to which some of them

were unable to do that is hilarious but the extent to which one woman was able to do it is my everything. Okay, let's talk about her. Let's talk about her. First of all, Mo Mo, put her on the screen so that the people, if you ever needed a reason to check out

our shows and visual formats, do it for this lady. Let me say something brave. Let me say something brave. We go to a lot of atheist conventions. And we meet on occasion a lady who grew up in a very restrictive environment, right? Really terrible Christian home. And so she's wacky now.

She's purple all the time. She's got fucking her shirt says like, fuck Trump. And she's like, my shirt says fuck on it. This is whatever. If she's charmander, Charazard is the lady. in this movie. I think this lady and us, a lot of people are like,

what would you do if you ran into Kevin's story? I'm like that. I don't fucking like that. I don't want to run into him. He makes bad movies for bad people. This lady, we'd fucking get along. And I promise you, her story is not,

I am devoutly inspired by the love of Christ. I promise you, she was like, well, my daughter's pregnant again. And so I said to her, look, I'm going to be at a steamy

punk convention that afternoon anyways. If they don't take away my sword cane, I'll do the movie. But they can't touch my sword cane or I'll go to jail again for stab. And it's such a contrast from the guy whose entire costume is just, I'm a little cold, so I'm wrapped up in a blanket. Yes, right. Yeah, exactly. There's Linus, grown up Linus is back there, too. It's amazing.

The scale that we get, because nobody really put any effort into it except for her and she lives for this. She was born to play this role. Yeah. So Ammon gets his crew together and they all like reservoir dogs their way into the next scene. I would like to point out that for one scene, they had a hot chick. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And then she disappears. We never see her again. Oh, the bartender. Okay. So she is the bartender. I believe she's the bartender at the Rotary Club. Yes. And she was like, hey guys, I let you film your scene in here. Every single one of you has ordered a soda water and then asked why when regular. water is free as soda water is not.

So you have to leave. And they were like, well, fine, you're going to die in the movie. And she was like, I don't care. I'm calling the police. Yep. Yep. So, okay. So then we check back in with Cooper.

He's out wandering in search of provisions now. So he wanders into this church. And you can tell it's post-apocalyptic. Just look at that broken window. He breaks into it. Yep. Like, he forces the door. Yeah, he does.

This becomes a point later when he said, oh, the door was just open. No, he forced it. I was not. Yeah, but he forces it open. He goes into this old church and he sees a bunch of half-eaten Kansas soup. And then he hears moaning. Yeah, it sounds like one person is moaning from having mediocre sex while the other person is softly crying. Yeah. And you know what? I get me. We both. Okay. So, yeah, so we hear the soundtrack of Weissed rhinos life. And then we see. And then he's like, my whole life. He's like, well, I guess I should just. I think you should be the crying one. Just I don't like to give humor notes. but I just want to throw out if you're trying to paint a word picture, I think you should emphasize that you're the crying one and then that's my note.

So yeah, but he's like, oh, a little bit of crying, a little bit of moaning. I'll sit down and do some reading. And so he does, right, just so that I can write. He reads in the movie and my notes. And then a priest with a big stick

shows up to try to intimidate him and chase him off. Yeah. So his first reaction, when he sees this priest come and be like, hey, how did you get into my church? You broke into my church. His first reaction is, like, he reaches for his gun and he kind of threatens him with him. He's like, hey, I don't want to.

He's like, you broke in. You're a man of God threatening a man of God. Right. Yeah, exactly. But he shows him that he doesn't carry the mark, right? And I should point out, his hand doesn't go to his gun. I think it goes to his shovel. But that's the same for this guy.

It's the same thing. As far as he's concerned. Did he have the gun when he fought the other guys with his shovel? I don't know. Like he, yeah, because he does have a gun later. and we never explained where it came from, yeah. Yeah, but so the priest is like, why don't you sit down and eat with me? And he's like, yeah, sure, I'll do that.

And then he runs off to go check on the crying in the morning. So for the record, the last people that offered him food, like before he killed Ammon and Goghaw, Heath and Firehack guy, they offered him food. Oh, they did. Yeah. Fuck you. Stab. And so preacher guy got off lucky that he just ran the search for his hidden children. He hates being offered food. So apparently he finds a bunch of refugees in the basement of the church.

right now he and the refugees are all going to sit around and they're all going to expose it together this this isn't the first time we've seen a pastor that has a bunch of children locked up in his church okay thank you this is exactly i spent the next two scenes being like why isn't he more upset that this pastor had a bunch of children locked up in the basement but then when i watched the movie a second time i was like oh okay he's supposed to be hiding them from intruders the movie just didn't bother to explain any of that via film Well, especially because later on in the movie, we're also going to see another identical situation

in which the guys are supposed to have kidnapped because we're just supposed to know what the writer had in mind so often in this movie. Yeah, luckily the DVD commentary for this movie is just sitting next to the people who made it while they're like, no, so here's the thing. What you don't understand, so it rained. First of all, it rains.

Do you know how often it rains? Like, every day. Oh, my God. It's fucking sucked. And also, like, he's supposed to be starving, but they've given him this, like, hot dog bun to eat, So apparently they still have hot dog buns in this post-apocalyptic world. And he only eats like half of it because he's like, I'm not going to eat a fucking hot dog bun.

And the priest that he meets, are other of you guys Star Trek fans? Not really. Yes. No. Okay. Emotionally. Because, okay. Yes, I mean, talks like the pack lads.

Tell your joke. Yeah, nobody here is going to laugh, but your audience is loving this. Yeah. You got a bunch of Trekkies in your audience. Oh, we absolutely do. There's a lot of people when I said no that were like, oh. Yeah, he talks like the pack led. So they're the guys that they're kind of dumb.

And they've gotten to space travel by stealing it from other people, by like people underestimate them all the times. It was like, oh, your man is smart. We need help. We need help to make us go. Yeah. So, yeah. And so, and now they established that they've got to find a new place to hide. They don't really explain why.

And of course, they know that Cooper has a good place, like a good high. hiding place, but he's not making with the location yet. So this, I put this in the pile of he killed his family because he's very hesitant to tell anyone where he was when it happened. Oh, interesting. They show up to the fort and they're like, hey, man, there's demon blood all over the walls and like bits of fingers. Did you go through an evil dead movie that we didn't get to see?

Where can all of these fingers come from? You know, these are authentic Victorian looms. Yeah. Oh, and then this is also where we introduced Carson, the little kid that's like tiny timming his way into the scene here. He's coughing. Right. Oh, God. This fake cough, I literally said to myself, do we have the time for me

to talk about it? This child does the worst fake cough I've ever seen so much so that I think maybe that human has never coughed before. Right? They were like, no, man, like a cough. And he was like, rah!

And they were like, what? And he was like, hello! Sa! So! Caught. Caw? And then, but they say, well, now we have to go out and get supplies or something, right? So there will be suspense eventually. Which means that essentially this movie's taking a break.

So it's only fair that we do too, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of the fort. Hey, Greg, you excited for the first day of shooting today? Hey, Alan. Yeah. Are you wearing fatigues? Right. Yeah. So about that, you know how my character was a chaplain, the way that I was a chaplain?

Yeah, no, you insisted that we keep that, yeah. Well, okay, so I'm worried that people won't know that he has survival training. As a chaplain? Yeah, yeah. A lot of people don't know this, but chaplains do go to basic training, and then we do field survival courses in chaplain school. Right. So, like how kids in high school know how to cook because they took home at?

Exactly like that, yes. Okay. Yeah, man, we'll put it in the movie, I guess. Nice. I'm going to go tell Party City that I'm keeping these. Right. Sure. That wasn't sure. Come on. Sorry, man. You spent your last trial complaining.

Hey, guys. What's the matter? Well, I offered advice to Penny for his thoughts earlier today, and it turns out I signed up for a whole subscription thing. Well, don't click the box if you didn't read it, man. I know. Look, Eli, if you're looking for an easy way to. get out of your unwanted subscriptions, you should just try Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

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Join at RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. That's RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. You hear that advice? I'm going to tell Rocket Money on you. I think they're mostly for like companies. Yeah, well, I'm going to tell them anyway. Got it.

And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with Cooper playing a game of Roll the Baseball with the coughing tiny Tim kid from before. They're not just rolling it though. Like the kid rolls it to him. He's like, oh, that's a good one. Yeah. And then like he rolls it back.

He's like, oh, that's not. Yeah. What is a good one? I think he's trying to roll it as close to the edge as possible without going over. Yeah, I think they're playing paper football, but this movie couldn't manage paper? Nobody could remember how to fold one. How many discarded triangles? I mean, they can't remember four times two.

So, yeah. No, that's fair. Yeah. And by way, he. He owns this kid now. Yeah. Right. We'll never have an explanation for it.

But like that is his kid from this point on. He's like, oh, you know, you rolled the baseball close enough. I am now your father. He will share a bed with that child. This may play into my secret theory for the end of the podcast. All right. In my head, your great revelation at the very end of this review is going to be like, hey, everybody, he's fucking that kid.

Vice out. Yeah. No, I think that's that's made quite clear by that. Yeah, no, it is. That is definitely implied. Then we cut back to Sorbo for a second. And they are so desperate for Sorbo to have something to do that we actually cut to him for this line. This is the whole cut.

He goes, Cooper, well, every night he would send some of us out for food because, well, without food, you couldn't survive. That's the actual fucking line. Want the kids to be like, this story is boring and weird. But also, like, it's worth. that Cooper isn't sending anyone out at this point in the film. No. Right? That's not what's happening even.

No. It's a night. So the only way I can describe the writing of this film is sometimes I will assign a student of paper and they will do a bad job. And I'll go, hey, you did a bad job on this paper. Here are the things you should fix. Now, what I mean is fix those things and then rewrite the whole paper. But they do not do that.

They go in and they're like, fucking Bosnick said, I got to. to fix these three sentences. So it becomes this disjointed English as a second language, whose Google trip? That's how this script was written. Yeah. So later, Cooper's in charge of something

and Kevin Sorbo fucking recorded this two years after they shot that shit. So he's just fucking, he's winging it, baby. They had to put the Kevin Sorbo footage somewhere. Right, exactly. They had him saying that. They'd already gotten vice email about the kid being a demon in the demon fight

that had happened earlier in the can. They were like, incorporating what Fice said on the podcast. So, okay, so now they're going to sneak around to try to find some food. The priest and the guy in the Nazi jacket are going to look through the trash. But Cooper's like, hey, guys, why don't we just go inside the kitchen where they keep the food? I have a gun now, apparently. So I can just shoot anyone and just steal their food.

And they're like, oh, that's a pretty good idea. Right. That's great. Yeah. So he goes inside, they go in there and they can hear some kids crying. And as he's going to check it out, the priest accidentally drops a pan over and over again into the same. Oh, my juggling pans. Can I talk about the priest's physical appearance?

If you want to, yeah. So everyone in this movie is 90,000 years old. I understand that. But there's a version of ugly that a man gets. Let me say something. Okay. Gentle. Okay.

Gentle? Really? Yeah, there's a version of of ugly that an old man gets Where he is very clearly rotting Right Where he's no longer Look, I'm getting up there in age

I know I ain't no country peach Nobody's trying to bite into this apple anymore But you literally look at some men And you're like, hey man You are decomposing in front of my fucking eyes And every time the camera got to him I was like His flesh is falling off of his corpse

Yeah, it kind of is though, yeah. Is Mitch McConnelling around and shit? Yes, exactly. Yeah. So, okay. So, but then, so they broke in to this place now, and a guy comes in with a gun to check out and see what all the pan noise is.

And Cooper gets the drop on him, disarms him. And when he goes for another gun, he shoots him to death. Yeah. But before that, like, the guy just comes out. He holds his gun on him. The guy sticks his hands up and is kind of grinning for some reason. And then that causes Cooper to turn to the priest and be like, like, do you know him?

Like, why would you think that? Why would that be a thing? Right. Right. Yeah. And he's like, he shoots the guy. And again, he's just broken into some person's house, made a bunch of noise when they came in to check on it. He kills the guy. So he's not the good guy. He'll never be the fucking good guy. But the movie seems to think he is. Then he goes in and he finds a bunch of kids. This time, it's a bad finding a bunch of kids, though, instead of a good finding a bunch of kids. Yeah. But they hear sirens in the background because apparently these cops just like automatically know when one of their own is shot. Right, right.

Yeah, everyone's on a simultaneous heart monitor. But there's sirens in the background. Then they just kind of like look at the kids and be like, bye. Later. Yeah. He's supposed to have this rope. But we can't leave the kids. And they're like, oh, I want to leave them though.

And he's like, all right. Well, I think about it like that. I'm going to insist pretty strongly on coming back. It's going to be top five activities. I want us to do this week is save these children. We're pretty sure bad men who do bad things are coming for these kids. So let's leave these kids and come back later. Yeah, right.

And if they're still here later. But also, like, the cops are responding to this. Up until now, we've kind of been led to believe that society is crumbled around them and everything. But still the police have like an eight second response time to a shooting. Well, it's because of all those flock cameras with the gunshot detection. Oh, that must see it. That's what it is.

So, okay. Flot cameras are the only technology that survive the apocalypse. Given our luck, it'll be flock cameras and those delivery robots that Grubhub uses. I'm just walking around. It's smiling at me. Fuck off. So you don't have food. So, okay.

So then we check back in on the refuge where a lady is looking at several identically formatted missing posters for reasons that are never explained in the movie. Yeah. Right. I don't think we ever see this character again. It does cut to Sorbo saying something about people being missing. Yep. There are people missing. It's never resolved.

Yeah, exactly. All right. So I think the implication here is we find out in a second that the priest is evil. And I think the implication here is that the priest has been selling out the people that are staying with him in the church one by one. Oh, got you. Yeah. But that doesn't. I don't know why.

I would have loved to flash cut over to those scenes. I don't know what he's getting from it. Craig, I think you should wander out into the alley. today? Oh no, Craig is gone. What happened to Craig? Yeah, but this is where they unmask him, right? They scooby-do him and shit and they find out that he has the mark and he starts doing his demon laugh, right? They give him the Sarah Huckabee Sanders voice. This is this, okay, can I say I have the same problem here that I have with the, when we learned that the death eaters and Harry Potter all had the same tattoo. If all the bad guy, by the way, J.K. Relling, bad

person. If all the bad guys have matching tattoos, we do a tattoo check every day. Sure. Yeah. Everybody look at our wrists. Yeah. If it's if it's not a part of the established lore, the new handshake for the fort is. Yeah, you just show your list to everybody. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. So then he the priest goes all demon voice and his pupils go all creepy because they bought the little contacts and they were going to get some fucking use out of them. And then he's smacks the priest unconscious, because apparently you can smack people unconscious in this world. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, the priest looks like he's about to die anyway.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't take much. It doesn't take much. Yeah, exactly. A hard sneeze would have knocked him out at this point. So, yeah. Yeah, they do the, like, after effects, Scully face effect on him.

But the man they do the effect on is so much scarier than that effect. Yeah, right. Right. Like when the effect ends and we see his dying flesh loosening from the bones that used to contain a human spirit, I'm like, that's the scary. No, that's the jump scare right there. I watched this movie as a total of three times. I didn't notice that they didn't affect to his face. Nor did I, man. There you go. There you go. And at this point, Cooper's like, so all of you guys go and hide under the bridge outside of town, because I guess there's just the one bridge. And I'll come get you later. Can we go back for a second? Because this is a thing that I thought was hilarious.

Please do. So before they smack the preacher unconscious, the guy in the Nazi jacket points his gun at him and it's like, I'm going to kill you. And then the guy who killed three guys with a shovel for the crime of offering him food talks the guy down by being like, you're better than this. Yeah, right, right. And then slaps him in his face melts. So it's very unclear. Yeah. Right.

Especially as this character develops later on. But, you know, it's okay. So then we get Cooper. He's going back for the kids, right? So he sneaks back into the kitchen where he killed that guy. There's an extra dead guy. Thank you so much, no illusions. I was like, I swear to fucking God, there was one dead confidence.

What did I miss? This was an off-screen action sequence. I know what happened here. Is this another dead family? No, this is. At a certain point, we have to call emergency medical services for you. Okay, okay. How much of this movie can you imagine?

he opens the door to where all the trapped kids are. Yeah. He sees another kid standing on the counter holding a sword. He does. Covered in blood. He does. You mean the karate child? Parati child.

Yeah, karate child. I think karate child is supposed to have been a guardian angel protecting the kids in the locked thing. When Cooper left them to die. Oh, so he killed the cops that came in. Yeah, I totally promised I'll come back. He left them. The guardian angel came and killed the second cop. Oh, okay.

And also moved the body of the first cop so he could be more comfortable for this shot. Okay. Podcast listener, I know Vice has said a lot of things that aren't related to anything that happened in the movie. That is accurate. What By the set is a reflection of the movie just now. Here's my theory literally on this movie is that like originally this was either like a three hour movie or it was an eight part series or something and it was just insufferable.

And then they just bought it and they just try to pare it down, which is why the scenes are like not in order. I'm dropping my theory here. This was two movies that were smushed together into one. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And my support for that comes later on. I was queued to this by one of your notes later on, which we can get to later.

But on the IMDB page for this, Kevin Sorbo's character, who it's definitively, it's Carson. But on IMDB, it's Billy Magnus. It is. It is. Yeah, absolutely. And occasionally the close captions identify him as Billy as well. So, yeah. So this was two separate movies that were like, hey, we don't have enough for a full movie for either of these.

So let's put them together. Yep. And there's one out of order scene later that really gives away the game on that. So, yeah, we'll get to it. But okay. So then he sneaks back. We meet a ghostly samurai kid that we'll never see again. There's also another ghost kid in a bloody nightgown.

Both covered in blood. Yep. Yep. Which can I say in the word. So look, again, they're supposed to be angels, right? It's just bad movie making. But what it looks like happens is that there's one child whose night clown is covered in blood and Cooper's like, we're not taking her.

Not that one. Yes. That one's going to get a septum piercing and be weird. I don't want to do. We're just going to. I want the, hey, no traumatized kids. All the ones, if you manage to sort of dodge that bullet. Nobody acknowledged the kid that's clearly suffering from a PTSD event in the back. Right. So, okay. So, but then he goes against the kid, other than

the ghost kids, nothing of interest happens there. And then Sorbo cuts into half-ass explain the ghost kids. He's like, all right, you're probably wondering why he didn't take the little girl in the bloody nightgown with them. Probably thinking Viced is in psychosis right now, but he is not. He is

accurately describing the movie. That is what happened. The hats are a compliment to the psychosis. Yes, exactly. So yeah, somebody explains that and he's like, yeah, those kids were angels or something that we'll never see again in the movie. Also, Jesus is coming back. In case that wasn't clear. He hasn't yet.

but he will. So then we get, we get Cooper leading the kids to that like West Virginia settler town that they rented for this movie. And what's so funny is the rest,

this moment and the rest of the movie will be about, these places aren't very good to live in. Yes. Which means that unless every other building in the world right now is either destroyed

or filled with demons, this is the worst possible choice for where they could be living. You probably could have found like an empty farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere that had insulation at least. It's the very fucking least. Yeah. And so, but this is that when they, when they come out of this clearing, this is the first

time I've gotten in my notes. Hey, why is he holding that one kid's hand? Yep. Those notes are going to get more and more incredulous as we go. Yeah. This is where in one movie, it was his son. In the other movie, he has adopted a kid. Yep.

Yep. And they smushed them together and never clarified. Never clarified, never explained in any way, shape, or form. Well, also, so they're, and they're bringing these kids into this place. I want to point out that they've made no effort. Like, usually in these movies, we make jokes about how everybody has the same smudge or whatever. They've smudged no one here. Every kid has their hair, their hair was done that morning.

We've got the braces. Everybody's in clean clothes and everything. Yes, exactly. So they're all freshly shampooed. Some of them are very well fed in the apocalypse. Yeah. But they're walking as though they have had this harrowing journey to this place. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. May we talk about this movie's only person of color, the black lady who refuses to speak. Refuses to speak or they didn't want to pay her to speak. Yeah, right. She is a background extra in this scene. She is wearing a Disney, a full on Disney sweatshirt and has very clearly said a clear and resounding no to any acting whatsoever. Because everyone else is sort of huddled look, right? Crowdwork, right?

What is this new place? She's like this. Eli is sitting with his arms crossed listeners who are not watching along. So, okay, then we go and we check in on Amman and his crew. And his crew is not very happy. They're not having a lot of luck. So they're fighting with each other because you have to really listen to the background talking that's going over each other to get this.

But apparently Ammon killed the hot chick that they, couldn't afford to have in more than one scene. Oh, is that what they're talking about? Okay. That's what they're fighting about because they're like, I don't think you needed to kill her. Okay. All right. So, yeah.

And he just refuses to justify himself. And now they're looking for drugs at some random house, right? And I love it too because it's clearly like Larry's house. So somebody was like, hey, let's just film at Larry's house. It looks post-apocalyptic, right? I get it. A lot of film shoots come to my house for post-apocalypse. They're like, I'm making a movie about how toddlers.

It's sort of a children of the corn. thing needs a tornado thing and I'm like come right into my living room my friends you'll be right at home right but of course while they're in this house they come across the evil priest the demon priest from the last scene hiding in the bathroom

right why is he here how did he get here where is this place why did they just happen upon him randomly why don't they know that he's on their side because there's a lot of like threatening yeah right he's like don't kill me which he delivers with all the conviction of past the must please or whatever.

And he goes, then he says like, I know who you're looking for. If your face looked like that, that's how you would say the words, don't kill me too, no. No, don't kill me. Oh, no.

On the off chance reincarnation is real. I would hate to not be in this body anymore. But okay, then he's like, I know who you're looking for and I can help you find him. Both of those things are a complete fucking mystery to anyone paying attention to this movie, right? why would he know who they're looking for

and why would he know where they were? So I think the implication here is that all of the Satanus have gotten the memo at some point that the chaplain is number one most wanted. Oh, okay. So he got he was in on that. So he got the memo off screen. So much of this movie happens off camera.

Doesn't happen off camera or doesn't happen right up here doesn't happen here and here. I feel bad that he's not here to hold you in the light. This is true in my heart. Yes. Christ, I get it. So at this thing, earlier before they stumble on the priest, Ammon picks up a thick book that we're not supposed to recognize.

Yes, he does. And sticks it in his not back pocket. He sticks it down his pants. What could that big book be? Yes, right. Sticks it up his ass apparently. Just once in a Christian movie or any movie, honestly, I would like someone to pick up a mysterious book and for it not to turn out to be the Bible. Right.

Right. and just like, no, it's gray's anatomy. It's actually super useful. So, yeah, so, but the priest tells Amon, he's like, he founded a new colony, and I'm like, why would you know that? Well, because, well, the priest was unconscious, they talked very loudly about where they were going to go. Well, that's true. He was just fake.

Yeah. Yeah. And then so Ammon, like, pulls out a knife and he holds it to the priest's throat because he's like, maybe I'll kill you, maybe I won't. I'm a bad guy. You never can tell. And I wrote my notes, that's a plastic knife. Don't show it up close, guys.

you can see it wobbling It is. Also, why would we be invested in the bad guy demon? Right. I was going to be like, oh, no, I loved jowls, not jowls. Who fucking, I don't care about the main characters of this movie, let alone the villains you've already established from previous scenes. And so we should point out that at this point,

the priest tells Ammon the name of the plates, right? He's like, he's at the such and such old Westtown or whatever the fuck it is. Right. And he says it's, and he says it's 30 miles east, right? So he gives him a general look. This would be on a fucking map. And I point that out because from this point on, they will spend months wandering around in the woods looking for this goddamn settlement, right, these characters. The rest of the movie is the tension between we can't have fires or make noise and these guys are looking for us. Right. And know where we are. And then as they walk out, goth, hensh granny, steampunk hensh granny, she says, we're going to kill the Jeffey. She's having the best goddamn time.

She's having such a good time. I want her movie. Right. Yes, absolutely. If we get a spin off from JC films that's just her fucking story, I am in JC films. Steampunk Granny's Adventures in the post-apocalyptic wonderlanderly

dementia. So, okay. You can get an STD in your 60s. So then we got to Cooper waking up at Frontier fucking City or whatever. And this is the first time we see him waking up with that kid in his bed. Which that tracks.

He is a chaplain. Yeah. Well, yeah. No, that's that. And then, like,

and we see now that the town is bustling. A lot of people just wear random helmets. Okay. I, this might be me in psychosis. I don't know. Did I, did I,

you guys have to confirm that I saw this? Because I watched this scene like 15 times. Someone tosses him an orange. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And he just bites into it like an apple. Yes, he does. Yep.

He just eats the fucking. Okay. And you're, you can do that. I know, but why would you do that? Yeah, you could do it if you're a horse. Yeah. But yeah, orange peel is technically edible, but it's not pleasant.

Why would you do that, though? Yeah. And then we also see the first time we see the guy in the tank top, the big guy, we see him in the background. I just wrote down. Oh, he must. They never say his name, but on IMDB, his name is banjo. It's banjo. Yes.

Yeah. Why would you give a character the name banjo and then never say it in your fucking film? Yeah. Or at least have him have a banjo. But then they all get together for like a town meeting or whatever. And this is where everybody tells Cooper that he's being too much of a hard ass. And he's not like letting people live their lives and have fun. Right.

Because this movie never shows when it can tell. So this is another one of my theories about this movie is that they were writing this to kind of justify Trump's authoritarianism. Oh, interesting. Okay. Because like the whole thing is like, oh, Coop really loved these people and he was protecting them. and he was doing what was best for them, even though they didn't like it. Right, because the guy who wants to, like, democratically elect a new leader is the bad guy. It's like, unquestionably the bad guy in this movie's mind.

Absolutely. Cooper's relationship to this settlement for the rest of the movie reminds me of, like, when you have a friend who had a shitty dad, and he'll occasionally regale you with a shitty dad story, and you've got to be like, oh, I wasn't okay, man. And he's like, no, no, no, no, different generation. And you're like a bad generation. He knows. Why I got to smack talk Tom when he's not.

Tom, he. Yeah, right. Honestly, most of the men who appear on and around this. I think Marsh knows his dad sucks. But other than that. So, okay. So, but this is where we meet, like, I guess, the Joe Biden character, right? The tall, bald guy that just exists to try to usurp Cooper's power, right?

He stands up and gets everybody a rabelin. This is where he establishes that, like, because some people left. And he's like, oh, they could tell the demons where it. We are. So no more fires. And Cooper says, they're like, oh, these people left. Well, best case scenario, they could be out there living their best life, having a grand old time. Yes. Well, I guess they could. Yes. That is a best case scenario. Now, why is that a bad thing? Maybe they learn to fly. Yeah, yeah. But he says no fires because they might know where they are. And I'm like, well, if they know where you are, then just fucking fire away because they know where you are already. Doesn't fucking matter. But everybody rabbles quite a bit about that. And then this is where, like, I guess I first figured out that the kid he was sleeping with was his adopted son, baby Kevin Sorbo.

Yeah. Right. So now he's got to get baby Kevin Sorbo ready for school. I found this child locked up in a church basement. He is mine. Yes, exactly. Right. Nobody had dibs.

I licked him. Yeah. So that is in churches, that is how they do it, though. So, okay. And then this is where an argument breaks out among the populace. this guy says that that other guy stole his shoes and he did like he totally stole that guy's shoes right obviously this is the best scene in the movie for hats

okay it is yeah absolutely so I feel like the hats were a prank like someone broke into an actual movie studio and stole a box of hats from a costume closet somewhere and then it was like I bet you can't make a movie with all of these hats and we're in a real movie now if it's not a real movie how come so many characters are wearing hats Yeah, exactly.

But just to prove what an incompetent asshole, Cooper is, the guys who get in a fight, he puts them both in the stockade. Right. The guy who stole something. Yeah. How dare you have your shoes stolen. And the guy who was the victim of that crime, both are punished equally. Well, he was too loud when he was complaining about having been the victim of a crime. Right.

And so he puts him in a stockade and who the fuck gave Cooper the authority to put people in stockades, right? Yes. Cooper will be anything from like father figure advisor to this town to fascist overlords depending on the scene and moment. Yeah, no, vice suggestion here goes a long way towards explaining

why the fuck we should be sympathetic to this character, right? But he's like, God damn it, everybody, you know, unity, god damn it, that's why I'm putting people in stockades in the name of unity. Now everybody get back to fucking work. So then we cut to Sorbo so he can try to convince us that Cooper is not a,

tyrannical asshole. Yeah. Hey, I know that last scene showed him putting someone in a medieval torture device, but it was actually a good thing. Good.

My dad loved me, though. My dad loved me. He's a different generation. I mean, he might be locking up innocent people, but he's doing it for your protection. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Right. Yeah. So, okay. But then Sorbo reminds us that there's a virus in this movie. So then we cut to people who are dying of the virus.

in a pig pen. In a pig pen. Now there are buildings, right, where these people could be housed, but no. We will later see that they have sent up a print shop. Yes, right. I feel like putting your sick people inside a building instead of outside in a pig pen is a bit more important than printing up a flyer. You would think, yeah.

To be fair, though, that is where unspeaking African-American lady is. And I feel like they did like a... That is her best scene. Hey, would it be okay if we use this instead of a pig pen? And she just shook her head slowly at them. And they were like, you know what? Never mind. They can do the pig pen outside.

They're all covered in bloody bandages for some reason anyways. It's fine. Yeah, but all just startlingly white other than the blood stains bandages. Yeah. So this is also where we're going to meet Denny, the nurse slash love interest. Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about Denny.

Now look, we started the show when we were young men. I was a young man in my 20s. And look, the closer in age my wife gets to Denny, the more I need to shut the fuck up. I like where this is going. Listen, you're all in this with me. You're all in this with me. I have a similarly aged wife. This is what I'm saying.

My wife is beautiful. It's okay is the thing. Here's what we're saying. Okay. is what we're saying is Denny is a lovely lady of some years. She

what I suspect happened. Well, first of all, that bartender was obviously supposed to be a love interest and they were like, you want me to love interest? And she was like, I don't even want to be in that one scene that I agreed to be in. I think the second choice was one of the children and they were like, that's a child, Cooper.

You can't have that be your love interest. And then they were sort of looked around and they were like, Danny's blonde. Well, dyes. Her hair blonde. And her IMDB page says she plays 40s to 50s. So maybe. Yeah.

So the two of them stand out there and flirt. She's got this amazing line. He says, well, you know, no more fires. And she says, and I quote, well, how. am I supposed to seratize the bandages? Yep. Yep. Don't want to go back for a second take on the one?

No, no second takes in this point. They also, when they get there, they're both wearing masks. They take off their masks. And her first line is, like he's asking, is it safe? They take off their masks. And as she's taking it off, you see her mouth not moving as she says, yeah, it's okay. But then after saying, yeah, it's okay. So it's safe for them to take off their masks.

The next line is nothing is working. The virus just keeps spreading and feeding on others. Well, maybe you should keep your fucking masks on. That doesn't sound safe to me. There's this great moment. The bell rings and he says, well, that's the lunch bell. And I'm like, yeah, she would know, man. She lives here.

Who are you saying that to? But in the last scene, we put someone in the stocks for being too loud. And now they're ringing the, this massive bell. Mixed messages. Somebody goes, do we have to feed the prisoners or should we feed the prisoners in the stockades? And I'm like, I fucking hope so. He says, what would you have me do? It's like, feed the prisoners.

She's prisoners, man. He goes, I didn't want to be a leader. And I'm like, well, then hold elections. You're really bad at it, too. You're awful in it. You're torturing people and you put the sick in a pig pen. Just stop. Wander off.

And this is also where we learned that apparently it wasn't just one family of people that left. It was all of the children except for Cooper's kid. Apparently, yeah. Yeah, they had all the kids. And then a random lady who's acting at gunpoint comes up. And she goes, this scene is over, come help my husband. And so she runs off and we never find out anything.

Everybody, pip, pip, pip, everyone's dead. We also do get a reference to a Christmas tree in the scene. And I think this, I'm theorizing again. I'm theorizing again. But I think that this movie is trying really, really hard to get people to do the die hard as a Christmas movie thing with it. Oh, interesting. Because it's really got nothing to do with Christmas, but they keep on like being like,

huh? Yeah. Christmas? Christmas? I want you to know that when you say I'm theorizing it. again, I'm picturing you being dragged away in a straight jacket as you shout back. I'm theorizing. I'm theorizing again.

I'm just asking questions, God damn. I'm glad you drew a circle around that. We're running a little over on time for this segment, but I'm glad you drew a circle around because we are going to come back to that Christmas thing. So that night, Cooper's in his cabin. He's writing about how much it sucks to not have a fire in the middle of the winter, right? This movie is so fucking lazy that at this point, the exposition is just coming through him writing a letter to nobody in particular.

and us hearing it and voiceover. In the apocalypse. And at this point, he's writing in it like, my kid who never met my wife really misses you. Yes. My wife, who I'm writing this letter to take. Who are you? Yeah.

So this feels like a good time for me to point out that if you read the credits and look up, look it up on IMDB, there is no writing credit for this movie. Oh, interesting. It's just absent. They're all standing there doing the credits and everyone's just got their finger on their nose when they're typing it in. Come on, someone has to admit

they wrote this movie. No, I'm not putting my name on this. Can't we just blame chat GPT? Right. Yeah. So, okay, so then we cut into a town where a bunch of dead people

are decomposing on the streets, even though their clothes are all still immaculate, this is just a fucking, this is a nightmare scene. It's a nightmare. Or, they have given them the melty face effect again. Wait,

Vice, is it a scene from a movie that maybe you imagined? Is there some, is there connective tissue? Okay, so we also, we have to talk about this fucking

CGI, that goes in the dude's mouth. Yeah, about that. Why do you guys only ever have me on for movies where they don't know how to feather their layers? Oh, my fucking God. They might as well just have a guy, like a guy's hand with a little construction paper spider cut out just moving across and dropping it.

It's so fucking bad. That would have been better, actually. Yeah. At least that would have been funny. Da Vinci lack of resolve, am I right? So, and then we see Ammon's crew all drunkenly reveling around the campfire. and he yells at him to shut up, right? Because Ammon is the satanic equivalent of me trying to keep Heath and Eli

on task during a live show. Yeah, okay. To be fair, though, like, at this point, I'm not entirely sure what happened at this scene because, like, despite this being the first day I've taken my ADHD meds in a long time so that I could, like, focus on the movie and taking notes and stuff, I was, like, wandering off, scrolling through the document,

double-clicking words to highlight them as I read them. Like, oh, fuck, there's a movie on it. Yeah, no, this was a tough one, yeah. So, yeah, but they're still looking for Cooper. So they do a satanic ritual to try to find him, which apparently has no effect because we never hear about that again. This will never matter. Nope.

And they, and he summons demons to help them find the chaplain. No demons. We'll never see him. It still takes the months to find him. Yes. And he already know, we know he knows where it is. He told him.

Directions and the name of the place. Yeah. So, but Sorbo comes into sort of desperately pre-explocting. pre-explain the scene where they're going to be beating up a dude that came back to the settlement now? Yeah, it feels. Okay. You know when you catch children misbehaving and they think they can cover up the situation

by making up an insane story? No, what had happened was there was a bird by your desk. And that's why we were using the printer is we pushed print to make the bird go. That's how this movie is written. This movie, except it's not a child. It's Kevin Sorbo. Yes. Right.

So a guy has come back and they're beating him up to try to find out if he told the bad guys where they were. For the crime of having come back. Like, yes. Why would you torture him for that? It makes no fucking sense. So the whole community gathers it together at the church. And they're like, hey, guys, can we let the people in the stocks out of the stocks? It's cold and it's raining.

And I'm like, yeah, we're torturing somebody. for getting his shoes stolen at this point. Several days have passed and we've determined that they are not being fed. Yeah, right. And John Lithgow, Revolution guy, is like, should we appoint a new leader? And Cooper's like, no, not yet. I'm me and I say no. Yeah, he was like, you can't say that.

Yeah. And he goes, you know, he says, we need to find Ammon. And the usurper guy, he goes, Ammon, a man who cannot die. And I'm like, is he? How do you know that? You only tried killing him once with the shovel. We saw him die. But like he was,

he was still breathing when Cooper left him. So how does anybody here know that he came back from the, for all he knows? Exactly. And how does the usurper guy know anything about him at all? Right. But then Cooper's like, all right,

I'll go. And everybody's kind of mad about that until beard guy pipes up and is like, hey, did you guys consider that this might be good? Yeah. And then he's really fucking bad. That's all he takes.

Everybody's not like, oh, yeah. No, no, actually it could be good. Yeah, sure. All right. All right. Well, I got to say, the thought of ejecting incompetent tyrannical leaders and sending them out into the cold world full of demons has me all misty-eyed. So I need a quick break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Who the fuck did any of what? Who are most of these fucking people? What makes the hero the hero in the writer's mind? Find out the answers to something I guess when we return for the admittedly hilarious conclusion of the fort. Legions of the fallen, come to me. We have word of the chaplain. The time has come to kill.

I shall grind their bones. Let the blood festival begin. Okay, admittedly, I did not think this search would take several months, but it has. Not gonna lie, I did not expect that there would be quite so much. much waiting and watching. But we're going to find the chaplain, and when we do, we are going to kill him. Let the Blood Festival begin.

Okay, enough, Sharon. Okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but if the Blood Festival started two fucking months ago, we're in the Blood Festival. It doesn't even make sense. It's just an expression. Well, it's an expression that doesn't.

It doesn't make sense, Craig. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, Eli. You ready to finish up the podcast? Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, just give me a second. You okay.

Me? Oh, you know me? I do how I do. Right. It's just, when you're upset, sometimes you start to talk like vanilla ice in a way that's both concerning and problematic. Oh, you tripping dog.

You know, Better Helms. 26th State of Stigma Report surveyed 2,000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe that support is wise yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. That's why it's so important to not just get help, but to encourage people to seek help who need it. For show. For show. And if you're the other thing getting mental health care, you should try BetterHelp Online Therapy.

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Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash awful. That's better. LP.com slash awful. All right, Noah. You. Aye. Sure, okay, but are you eyed? No.

I thought not. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Cooper hanging out with his fucking ward while he sleeps. Yep. Oh, nice, nice, well done with the hat. Podcast listener, if you are not tuning into YouTube, this is the third vice rhino hat. are missing. Yeah, I believe this is four.

Yeah. Hats are kind of my thing, despite the fact that I hate them. Yeah, well, you know, never has a movie been more appropriate for the hat changes you. Wait, wait, wait. I'll yes and your hats all day, but are you like, hey, I don't want to be the hat guy. I am forced by how good I look in these hats. No, no, I have sensory issues, so I hate hats. But when I'm live streaming. But you're stuffing it out for us. When I'm live streaming, my viewers have the ability to make me wear hats and they like to torture me So I do it. And I figured it's appropriate here.

Yeah. No, torturing yourself for money, I get. I absolutely get. We should do stuff for our mental illnesses when we do live streams. Yeah, like so just one more annoying,

buzzing sound. Eli, read some texts from your ex. There you go. One dollar. Thanks for the re-sub. Scoots 47. So he's flashing back now to have a breakfast with his kid or,

you know, adopted kid or whatever. they talk about Denny, the love interest, then that kid also turns into a demon. I don't know how this fits into Weiss's theory here. Yeah. Well, I mean, this one is a dream of a thing. Yeah.

Oh, so this one's a dream. I don't know. This one's a dream, vice. This one's a lot to be a dream. Okay. Maybe you have. We've been here for six and a half hours. You have charts and graphs and shit.

But this, ah, fucking dream. Move on. You know how much money I spent? on thread. Right. On hats is what you spent your money on. You're like donut. So,

so, okay, so then Sorbo cuts in to explain what the director was actually going for with the demon face skin, right? He comes in, he's like, you're probably wondering,

you've probably got some thread and stuff going on, and then you're making fun of somebody in a hat. But the thing is, is that he just felt real bad and had nightmares. And then the evil pre-shows up. Now, this is one of those moments where, like,

clearly the two movies were not meshed together properly. Because when we last saw Cooper, he was like, yes, I will leave and I'll leave the leadership, you know, to someone else. Well, I go and I find Amman and I end this once in for all. And then we're going to just do three scenes that don't fit here and go back to that a little later. Yeah, because Cooper's just there and still in charge. And keep in mind that the last time we saw the priest, he was a demon who Cooper slapped and then his face melted.

Yes. Well, that was just the actor's face. But yes. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, the last time we saw him, he was wah-ha-haying in Sarah Huckabee Sanders' voice. But now he's showing up at their settlement. And he's like, hey, I found a doctor. Can I come stay with you if I lend you my doctor? Noah, he did not find any doctor. He found gay leather daddy doctor. Oh, yes, he did. Gay leather daddy doctor. Yes, he did. But, okay. I enjoyed this doctor. To be clear, as well, we all did. To be clear, he's like, can I bring this doctor in Cooper, who we have watched, torture a person for returning to the place, put two people into the stocks, refuse people fire, repuse people food, kidnap a child is like, okay, demon preacher. But you know what? Short leash.

Shame on me. We're going to have you on a short leash. Yes, yeah. But the doctor says at this point, he's like, I. I actually have a cure for the virus, right? And the cure for the virus is his antibiotics that he brought. Yes, clearly, apparently. Because, you know, antibiotics work so well against viruses.

Against viruses, yeah. He says, but, you know, I had a practice before the Great War, and I'm like, oh, my God, you lazy fuck. You don't name your war or your virus. Fuck. But then he shows up. He's got his medicine so that they, then he talks Cooper into letting him stay, right? And was I wrong here? I detected a little bit of like maybe some,

some sexual chemistry between Leatherdadi doctor and the priest, the evil priest. Oh, interesting. Okay. Because he's like, oh, he saved my life. Oh, he did. Yeah, because he's like, you can stay, but the evil priest can't. I heard him talking to demon voice.

He's like, no, actually, I need him. Yeah. So the doctor goes to doctor and we get like a whole doctoring montage, but they only shot three scenes. Yeah. Apparently, the way that he's distributing this virus-curing antibiotic is in a glass vial of what appears to be milk. Or he also has a comically large hypodermic needle filled with the shit that made the ninja turtles. Yep.

My God. That needle looks like something they use on farms to impregnate horses. Yes, exactly. Like, that's how big it is. But also, like, the sick people that he's treating, they're still outside in the pig pen. So when he said maybe we'll build them a shelter, he meant maybe. No, he did not. That was not a yes.

Yeah. So, but now evil priest, we get a scene where evil priest is gathering people around to hear his type of preaching. Right. Yeah. They're just letting the evil priest who they know is evil preach to these people. And Cooper like watches him preach suspiciously, but that's it. Well, he also opens a sermon with like, this is not God's book. This is our book.

I'm like, I feel like that's a very obvious evil priest message. It sounds like a evil priest to me. So, okay, so now we're going to get this scene with Denny and the doctor chilling together. And I guess we're like, we try to build a love triangle here. Okay. But again, this is, it's so weird because Denny is, look, I think as a woman reaches her 70s, I think that's so wonderful for her. But Dr. Guy is like 30.

And he's super hot. Yeah. And it's supposed to be... He's supposed to be... It's supposed to be a seduction scene where he seduces his maternal grandmother. It makes no... And here's the great thing.

This actress, right? Even though she survived the Holocaust, first of all, big ups for her and the Civil War. Good for her. Right? She is aware she's supposed to be playing in Ajaune. Yes.

Right? So as this scene is like this dark and mysterious man being like, I don't know. It seems like Cooper is manipulating you. And she's like, oh, I don't know. But she's 9,000 years old. She loses a tooth during this team. And those are dentures.

So that's bad. Yeah, exactly. But she is also when, this is when he starts to reveal that he's kind of a follower of the lightbringer, which like, yeah, you're bumming around with the evil priest who's the follower of the lightbringer. So of course you are. But they act as though this is a reveal. And she's clearly very upset by this, which causes him to then lean in for a kiss. Oh, yeah.

He's like, oh, you're offended by me? I guess it's time to kid. No, okay, not time to kiss. Like, no, no, that is. All right. Well, that wasn't even mixed messages. That was just no. I know it looked like I was leaning in, but I was just falling asleep because it's 4 p.m.

And then he does that thing that shitty guys do where they get all pissy when you won't sleep with that. And kind of like, gets everyone's like, well, I guess Cooper is controlling you more than you think. And he like storms out. Yeah. because that's the only way a lady could resist me. Yeah. Yeah. Like, is there any woman who has ever seen a guy act like that and then be like, oh,

sploosh? Yeah, right. Like, absolutely not. Hey, I didn't realize what a manipulative piece of shit you were. Get on in here. Yeah. Right. So, okay.

So the next morning, Denny comes to see Cooper. And I wrote my nose, Hey, guys, weird question at this point. But what's the plot? You know what? You sound like a PA who got fired that morning. Well, I mean, three scenes ago, Cooper, stormed out and left, but he's still here.

It's like the slowest storm out in history. Okay, but now we're going back to the storm out, right? It's like he goes to storm out in the movie. He's like, fuck, we forgot the doctor, right? So he hammered him in there. But now she's made him some food to take with him on this way out. Because like, at this point, I'm writing my nose. She's like, I made you some food.

Take with me. I'm like, take with you where? I don't even know where you're fucking going. But apparently we've gone back to that now. Right. Yeah. So now he's packing to leave finally. Denny comes in.

He asks, like, okay, where is this child that has been living with you? Oh, the child is still asleep. Yep. And then he walks outside and the child is there with two eggs. Yep, he is. Also, there's no fucking fort in this movie. Don't even look for one. But they wrote Ford on the wall.

They did at the beginning. You're right. But yeah, so he kisses Denny at this point. And this is apparently their first kiss. So that's supposed to be a big moment. And then he leaves to go find a finale for this fucking movie. It felt real grandma and grandma. Grandpa still fuck when they kiss, right?

Right? Like, you ever see your grandpa? I hope that when I am their age, I am still that excited to fuck. God, I can't imagine living into my 900s. That would seem so unpleasant for me. So there are many continuity errors throughout this movie, but this scene has my favorite one. As he's saying goodbye to the kid, the guy from earlier with the Nazi jacket shows up behind him. He's not holding anything.

And Cooper turns to him. He's like, you look after him. your time will come. And then when it cuts back to the guy in the Nazi jacket, he's suddenly like holding a machete threateningly. Is he? So it makes it look like he's about to murder this child. It's like, your time will come.

Okay. All right then. Message received, wink. Yeah. So, okay. But so now he heads out and then we cut to Sorbo telling us that Cooper remained not there after he left. And it's so fucking stupid.

What was solved by that particular part of narrative? So often I would look at a Kevin Sorbo line in this movie and go, what did they think this was solving? So often it's not solving anything. It's just there. So they have more Sorbo and more minutes, right? So they can get an inch ever closer to that 90 minute mark that they fall 12 minutes short of, right? There was a great moment because all the kids are like trying to figure out what the plot is too, right?

So one kid goes, did he come back? And another kid goes, so who was in charge? And another kid says, and I quote, who was taking care for you? no second take to which the response was when the cats away the mice will play what is that taking care of you as a young child well the mice were playing yes very playful mice were taking care of me so okay so then we go back to the fucking cabins the the the west virginia old west town bullshit and we go through a series that the usurper guy is going to go to everybody that we haven't met and everyone we have in this thing and one at a time

ask them if they're in on like an insurrection right well apart Well, right, but like wink, wink, insurrection too. It starts, though, with, he goes to the apothecary, who we've never met before. And then it's hard to tell whether he's trying to threaten him or seduce him. Because he like, yeah, he like sensually grabs his hand and caresses it on the chopping block and then takes out his bichet. And starts like gently slicing some herbs while caressing this guy's hand. It was like, what's, they played that like it was supposed to be a threat. But like, yeah, I'm kind of turned on right now.

For those of you who are having problems following along and you think like maybe we're skipping stuff, I need to be very clear that no, the next six minutes of the movie are a minor character who we have only ever say, ramble, ramble, ramble. I think we should have a new leadership. We'll go to a bunch of characters we haven't met and been like, so fucking party tonight. I'm thinking we could do beer pop. Yes. Yes.

This is where we learn about the fact that they sent up a printing press. Yep, this is where we first see that. I need you to print me invitations to the party tonight. There's like 30 people, right? Like, I mean, I don't think that you need to print for this. Okay. Okay, talking about my favorite part of this little montage at the end of this thing, where he talks to everybody,

which is that the last people he shows up to proposition for his party slash revolution, he has put on new goggles. Yes. They're like, the yellow tinted work glasses. Right. Yes, the yellow tinted safety goggles. And he's like, what's up, what up? Oh, do you notice my new goggles?

I call him gags. New gags. Maybe make me the leader of the community. He's a must sweet goggos. Where are you guys think? At some point, he's like, I don't know if the fallen, that's what they call the followers of the light bearer. I don't know if they're even still out there.

So I guess he thinks there being like that Japanese guy from World War II that kept fighting for years after. Right. And I kind of want to see that movie where like they're just like living out there in the rough trying to survive. But society is just normal. We have good news for you, man. We actually reviewed that one just a couple of weeks ago.

Yeah. So, but yeah, at this one, so they've got to like a patrol that goes around watching for Amman to show up. I don't know what the fuck they're going to do if an undying demon shows up at their door. But at this point, Addison, that's the name of the Usurper guy. He comes out and he goes, yeah, so I thought we'd all have a party and maybe not have a watch tonight. That sound fun, huh? You guys don't want to not watch? I wonder what will happen.

Yeah, right. Right, exactly. He's like, what would, you know, what could one night allowed unprotected revelry hurt guys, huh? I don't have some fun. So, okay. And so then we cut to Anna music and it's Anna's party now, right? Yep. And he's just walking through town being like, I made snow.

It's a sign. Come join the party. So I'm like, why did you want to print invitations if this is how you're getting people? Right. Yeah, absolutely. And also, I think these people know how snow works, man. They know you didn't make the snow. And the vibe is so.

I've seen this happen at parties, right? Where like it's sort of a quiet, nice party. And it's like just the cusp of your 20s. And one guy is still like, who's ready to get wrecked? And you're like, oh, you're going to die in a DUI really soon, huh? That's how the leader of this compound is behaving. And his bonfire, like he lights a bonfire to celebrate that they can have fires again. But his bonfires to just light their town Christmas tree on fire.

Yes, right. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of a dick move. Then we cut to Ammon just hating his crew of fucking drunks, you know? He's just sitting there just like, by fucking why the fuck did he she? And they're singing grandma got run over by a reindeer and arguing over what the words should be. Yep.

Yep, they are. Which, yeah, I mean, I'd be pretty pissed too. Think of the implications of the afterlife in which demons? They're the fallen. I guess. Demons are aware of, I believe it is Dr. Jeff Foxworthy's country Western, Christmas time hit. Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

No idea why you think that. But they're not, because it's a poor people thing and they like both of those. They're like Jeff Foxworthy and fucking their kids. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. So yeah, but yeah, no. So, and we also have to like, like as we emphasized in the sketch, the implication now is that these guys have just been wandering these woods for at least weeks, but like months for as far as, as near as we can.

until like seasons have changed, right? Yeah. And they've just been wandering around the woods going like, I'm sure that fucking thing is around here somewhere. Where is that super popular tourist attraction that's on all the maps? Yes. Yeah. And if you're wondering where they've reached, they've reached at arguing about Chris,

they've been bored. Right. Do you know how far down the tunnel of bored you are when you're like, no, it's she was standing in the snow, ain't no place to go. You fucking listen. God, I wish Google still exists. I've proved you so wrong right now. I hate your stupid steampunk at.

And also they're like, they're just within like ear shot of the town. Right? Like they can hear their voices very clearly. Very clearly when they start partying. Ammon's like, wait, what's that?

And everybody's like, I don't hear anything. And I'm like, well, you should have, you should have miked it a little quieter in the background than if you wanted people not to be able to hear it. It's loud.

And this is where I remembered that they summoned demons earlier. So I'm like, hey, wait a minute. Yeah. Did those demons just do nothing? Absolutely nothing. We missed a month. You know what? In the same scene where he killed his family because they turned into demons,

we missed the demons coming and them starting a book club. And then everyone's sort of not reading it enough weeks in a row that they disbanded the book club. So I tell you what it is, the demons fought the angel samurai kid and the girl in the bloody nightgown off camera. It's the movie that's happening off camera. All four of them died. And they were trained by Victorian Steam Pump. Ark Park encounter lady.

Okay, there you go. So meanwhile, Denny is is reading to Carson. She's trying to ignore this party outside and all this satanic revelry that's going on. Right. She's reading a very godly book about God stuff to the kid. Right. And then Carson at this point asks what Christmas is.

Now, hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, this movie takes place at Christmas. Yes. Please debate if it's a Christmas movie. Right, right. I want you to do the diehard thing. But here's the thing, though. is that we referenced this scene earlier as something that happened in the past, right?

There's a moment where Danny and Cooper are talking and he's like, well, now that you explained what Christmas is to him, he wants presents and all this shit. And this is the scene where she explains what Christmas is, right? Guys, let me, can I make a suggestion? Let me throw this out there. What if we just forget this whole podcasting thing and the three of us just spend the next six or seven years trying to put together this movie in order?

we get this footage down off 2B we really hunker down and I think we do a lot of new scenes I think and we do some of that we do some reshoots I'm glad to say that all these actors are available or pay adults everyone involved is available Denny has passed away of old age

but other than that I don't know she seems like she might be a litch yeah so I'm not supposed to call women shit litch litch Wow vice man God damn Vice Rhino, everybody, at Vice Rino, I think it is. If you wanted to say anything.

Hashtag canceled. Hey, I'm not on Twitter anymore. I'm only on Blue Sky. Well, there you go. So it's at vice rhino.com. We're going to get even more canceled. So then she, yeah, but so she lineuses at Carson about the meeting of Christmas for a little while. Can I quote one line verbatim?

Yeah. She says, it's time to be grateful about Christmas. It's a time to be grateful for friends, family. She says to the child who's all, we established earlier, all his friends have left and his family is dead. Yes. Oh, family.

Not for you, but it's, it is a time. Gips. Oh, fuck. I am really shit in the bed on this one. So yeah.

And then we flash into a montage of Christmas scenes with Denny Cooper and this kid who didn't know what Christmas was until just now. What the fuck is happening? Yep. All right. So then Ammon comes finallying his way into town in slow motion. Yep. Hensgrannie is just chewing this scenery.

She's so happy. She's having such a good time. Yeah. I'm so happy for her. So Addison, the usurper comes in and he's like, I now run this thing. And I, we will all bow to the light bearer for you. And Ammon's like, surprise step. Yeah, I stabbed you.

I'm a bad guy. mid cooperation. Yeah. Okay. Tiny note about this moment. What's supposed to be a blood spot, so he stabs them and there's supposed to be a blood spot,

but it's a little too low on the other actor, so it looks like he shat him. It's great. What that was when I... When we do the recut over the next six to 12 years, we're going to add like a...

Sound effect there that's really going to make this scene saying. Let me tell you. He's going to tie it all together. You do shit. yourself when you die you do no it's very realistic yeah so okay please support our new patreon making what's this fucking movie called the fort the fort the fort yeah patreon dot com forward slash forting up the fort for in the fort oh we could put some cg i walls around them so it's actually oh there you go

put a fort in it and everything yeah so we're jazzing baby this is right this is all good it feels good all right so but then so the guy gets stabbed addison gets stabbed and then cooper just slow claps his way into the scene. Wait, I thought Cooper left. No, he made it everything he left so that Ammon would show up and that's how he found him. Yeah. So I think Cooper's plan was to pretend to leave because he knew that Addison would then throw a big loud party that would draw Ammon in.

And so that way he could shovel him to death again. I guess, yeah, I guess that was the plan, right? Because, I mean, he also could have just rang the. the bell real loud. Yeah. Like, it's unclear what his endgame was, knowing that he knows that Ammon can't die.

Yeah. And also it seems like he's like over Addison getting stabbed way too fast, right? He's like, Addison stabbed to death and he's like, clab, clap, clap, glab. Well, no, I was. I don't, I won't miss him. So, yeah.

So, but then Cooper, Jesus' words at Ammon. And Ammon's like, hey, actually, that's what I'm here about. You remember I picked up that book and shoved it up my ass earlier.

in that one scene. I read it and now I'm a Christian. Or I want to be a Christian rather. He's like, oh, you're a Christian now? And he's like, yep. And he's like, well, that would mean all the tension of the movie is gone. Yep. Yep, sure is.

Yeah. So I want to know how this scene played out from Ammon's hench people's perspective. Right, from hench granny. Right. She comes in there ready to kill some motherfuckers. They walk into town. They kill, he kills a guy in Satan's name, Stab. Yeah.

And then they just. leave? Right. And then he's like, now I'm Christian though. So that that stabbed it and count. I'm Christian as of now. Christian. Now. To be fair, those are the rules. The guy we've been hunting for months is right in front of you and we're just turning around and leaving. And they're fine with that. Well, and also like they don't turn Christian. We'll get to it

in a second. But very clearly, like these characters don't become Christian at any point, the hench characters, right? Amman keeps the Jesus all to him. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. To be fair, she had a gathering of the juggalo's to get to so she was really just passing through. So yeah, but so, but Daddy comes to give him a big forgiveness hug.

Ammon wanders off as a Christian now. And then we cut to fucking Kevin Sorbo and the kids trying to make some sense out of that idiotic ending. Just charts and graphs. Wait. Kevin, my name's not Kevin.

Shut up. What's this fucking movie about? So he's like, he's like, okay, remember Amman found the Bible at the priest's house. So, you know, and it was such a good, fun, awesome book that he somehow extrapolated. modern Christianity from it.

No idea. Yeah, like I read the Bible and that's what made me an atheist. Right. Yeah, exactly. And then one of the kids says, what about the star? And I'm like, oh, the star that you haven't brought up at any point in the movie up to this point? Shut up. You know when you're, truly we're at escape room of a dysfunctional friendship that should end at this point.

Everyone's just screaming, shut up at each other. couples are breaking up. It's like one of those corporate meetings where like you're trying to just not ask any questions so the meeting ones. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. It's just like, hey, what about the star? So yeah, but apparently they paid for a graphic where a meteor takes out the shittiest looking polygonal town in the history of CGI.

It's N64 graphics. It really is. I was expecting to see a cyber truck down. down there. Someone casts meteor on fucking earth. Yeah, so we cut the evil priest. He's preaching. He's reading from revelations. The doctor stands up and he's like, hey, we should all follow Satan.

And he's like, yeah, right, great idea. Hands up if you want to follow Satan. And then they start doing what looks like Christian communion. Yeah. To which Denny is like, oh, no, shit, we can't have that. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, right. And we should point out that they don't say like, let's follow Satan. and they say, hey, we just read the Bible and we interpreted it as God telling us to follow this star, right?

And so we should drink from the jug of that. And Denny's like, no, this isn't it? And then we watch. And so her and Carson hide under a bed. Don't worry, that keeps them protected from a meteor that flattens the town. From the meteor that destroys everyone else in the town. Jesus fucking.

Here's my question. That bed is made out of pure Indiana Jones bridge. So at the beginning of the movie, Ksorbs told these kids, that like, hey, some of the people in the story that I'm about to tell you are your parents. But we just watched everybody except for Denny and Carson get killed by a meteor. Right. Where did these kids come from?

Who the fuck even knows? Kevin's talking about himself. Him and Denny Roddogged for the next. Carson learned from the preacher from the chaplain how to collect lost kids from church basements. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, no, the CGI on that I wrote in my notes when we saw the city at Platte. And I wrote, I feel like we owe an apology to Keys of the Kingdom now. So but then Kevin Sorbo's like, hey, I brought all you kids some presents.

I wrapped them in newspaper. And I'm like, why would there still be newspaper? Right? That would go so early in the apocalypse. And the kids are like, can we open them? And he's like, not till Jesus returns. He makes such a big deal about not being able to open them now. You will know the time when it is time to open these presents.

But they never open the presents. No, they don't. Because Jesus comes. Yes. He's like, when Jesus shows up, you can open your newspaper presence. And then all the kids just disintegrate. because the rapture happens and they're like, well, fuck, now we can't open them.

They're just up in heaven. Mine felt like a puzzle and I actually really like puzzles. And I'm sure it's cool up here. I'm sure it's great in heaven and I'm super excited to sit by God's right hand, but I feel like I could have opened that puzzle. And then I could also, it's not like a puzzle of gay sex. And right before Kevin Sorbo gets raptured,

he says, thank you God. But the captions record that as thank you, Ammon. Oh, do they? And it says Billy exhaling it. that point, too, the close captions. That's Billy Magnus, his character from the other movie that didn't get made.

So, yeah, but then we cut to Amman and his hench people and he gets raptured. They don't. Hensh Granny very clearly does not get raptured. Also, keep in mind, the rapture is happening at least 50 years after the events of the town thing. Right, yes. These people have aged fantastically. Yeah. They look like it's the same day.

It's so weird that they haven't aged at all or changed. their clothes. They're trying to find the fort they were just in. Yeah. They were like, oh, guys, what was the road back? I'm beginning to think that maybe this movie didn't make anything. Yeah, I think you might be on to something. All right. Well, that was quite something. Vice Reino, thanks again for hanging out. My pleasure, I think. And if you would, could you remind our listeners where they can go if they want to hear more from you? You can go to my YouTube channel is Vice Rhino. If you go to Vice Rino. It probably still has some links.

I think the site's still up. It's been a while since I checked on it. Actually, now that I think of that. Hey, man. What? Do you want to check now? I also live stream. Yeah,

sometimes they'd be just like that GeoCity's landing page. It might be one of those. Hey, my anti-Evolution GeoCities page lives forever. Oh, no. So, you go, baby. But yeah,

I also live stream on Wednesday nights on the channel, The Watering Hole. It's the one that if you search for it, it's a little blue rhino floating in a pool. All right, done. as the logo so yeah all right well we can make you do things that hurt you yeah yeah that's that's where you can make me wear the hats that i hate how much to make you hurt yourself no no no no i keep telling you you can't the worst part is is that it's channel points which

they get for free just by watching oh wow so i don't even do it for money i just do it for watch time oh hey no i don't want to be a youtube or anymore whatever we're gonna let's sell our got us i think it's better well just in case his website's not working we'll have some of that you linked on the show notes as well. And that's going to do it for a review of the fort, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to make the same mistake again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. An ideological clash of values erupts in a quiet college campus when a professor starts an exploitative affair with one of her students. The conservative student leader confronts

the liberal activist as things get more complicated in the campus. We'll be watching clash in the college. Oh, well, let's hope the script is as tightly written as that description was. All right, so with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 566 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Vice Rino for hanging out with us today. And a quick reminder to check the show notes for a link to his channel and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go.

If you like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com. And thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure check out our sibling shows the scaling a, the citation, a D&D minus, and the skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have

questions, comments or cinema, suggestions, you can email god-offel movies at gmail.com. Tram Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, leave of the drafts on Mars. All the other music was written by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a your life this week for Heath and Wright and Eli Bosnick. I'm No Illisions. Promise to work hard to earn another

chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti clothes. Kevin Sorbo eventually figured out what four times two is. Steampunk hench granny eventually did get her fuck on.

Dean Kane was actually just passing through on his way to Crafty. Oh! Okay. Hey, could you do me a favor and speak at the speed that I listen to your podcast at?

Oh, you go one to one point two five. Oh, no, I go all the way up to 1.5. Oh, no, I can't do that. Oh, how dare you? Yeah, can't do that. All right. Do I sound drunk now? Maybe a little.

I got it. I started for the first solid shooting, but no. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at Creator Accountability Network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training.

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