God Awful Movies - 567: Clash in the College

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

This week, Emma Thorne joins us for the story of an awkward filmmaker realizing that if he made a movie with ladies in it, ladies would have to talk to him.---Check out more from Emma on her YouTube channel.---If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at bellair direct.com. But also, nobody ever gets the bus in this movie. So the bus stuff itself is a bit of an anomaly that you have to kind of wash away. Right, because they all have cars later and they get up and just leave at a certain point. They're like, well, that's my time sitting at the bus stop. As though the filmmaker doesn't know what happens at those little benches.

And I believe that. I believe that the person who made this film was like, in America, they sit at this little boot, like two or three times a day. That's how you meet girls. You meet girls at the little bench. Oh, my God, that's right. Awful movie. Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because bad ideas sometimes sound like good ideas when you're stoned. I'm your host, No Illusions.

Heath is off again this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you? this fine afternoon, sir. Oh, hello, Noah. Hello, today. Hello. Eli, it's great to see you on this side walk. How are you? How are you? We both happen to be why. Hello. All right. We're going to give some context to that eventually, I promise. But first, let me welcome back YouTube's very own Emma, Thorne, Emma. It's been too long. Welcome back. Thank you so much for having me. Greetings, my fellow humans. I wish I had a bus stop as my background so we could meet properly. So tell us, Emma, what will we be breaking down today?

Today we watched Clash in the College, part one, question mark, which is the story of, I got to say, after 41 pages of notes, I could not tell you what this is the story of. Sure. I'm going to say it's a series of students and college professors meeting up and shaking hands and exchanging political slogans. Yeah. No, it's like the movie version of a Trump speech. It's all over the fucking place.

It never makes sense. Who's the doctor? What the fuck is she doing? Yeah, yeah, a lot of that. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the political ramblings of the family member who you really wish would stop voting, but you wish they were delivered with all the acting ability of an al-Qaeda hostage video, you will love this movie.

This movie is such an insight into all. all the worst people whose perspective I never thought about, right? Like when you hear about men who approach strange women on the street, you never go like, what's going on inside that guy said? Well, guess what? It's this fucking movie. Now you know. It's this film.

Yeah. All right, listeners, this is no bullshit. Before we started, I had to take everybody aside and go, okay, look, every frame and line of this movie is worthy of derision. There's no way we're going to get to all of it today. Like, that's how bad. This was Donald James Parker levels of. bad.

Not even, I think Donald James Parker would be like, oh, kiddo, you got to try harder. Well, at least he's got more of a linear plot. At least Emma would have been able to tell what his fucking movie was about at the end. Yes. Donald James Parker has the decency to get AIDS. It's one of those lines that's even better without context. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best,

it being the worst at? This is the best worst pretending not to have filmed it in a hotel room. Thank you. And like that includes porn. Oh, 100%. You know, you ever watch, sorry, Emma, but you ever watch porn where somebody's like, oh, I'm at the office and we're like, yeah, okay, you're at the office or whatever. It's like that, but a movie. It's the same.

You're at the business center of the hotel where you've filmed this porn. And again, they would be like, hey, man, you're really fucking up, not looking like you're in a hotel right now. Well, I was going to do the same thing. I'm going with Best Worst College Library, right? Because this whole thing is supposed to be set in a college, but they didn't have a college to film at. They didn't have a classroom. So they're like, let's film at the library and pretend we're at the college library.

And I'm like, well, as long as you're not sitting at the kids section, every goddamn time we see you, you can probably pull that shit off. I just don't have the picture books in the background for this part, maybe. There are very few people who are like better for the world than librarians. and all the librarians who allowed this to happen had to circle up after this movie and be like, all right, so it's not for everybody. Right? It's not for everybody. We've got to...

Sometimes people come up and they say they have a thing and we say no now. All right? And hands in the middle. And I'm going to go with best, worst sound. Oh, my God. We have reviewed several Nollywood movies. Movies filmed in the far off land of Nigeria and they did a significantly better job.

I don't know how they managed to make the sound as bad as they did for most of the movie. I think they had one microphone for the whole thing. Absolutely. Where? No idea how to hold it, where to put it. It's like sometimes it's like it's in somebody's mouth. Sometimes it's like it's 10 yards away down the street. And then because they don't know how to edit either, the dialogue just cuts

into itself and it just you crank it up because you can't hear anyone and then you get deafened and the next bit. Yeah. Oh, I started this movie in headphones when I was first watching it. I was like, fuck it. Nope. That's a mistake.

Everyone in my house hears this movie. I'm not going out like Beethoven. No way. Look, I am a professional fucking podcaster and have been for 12 years. I don't know how to make audio this bad, right? All of the shows I've ever been on, all of the guests that we've ever like

have sent us audio and are like, Oh, God, what are we going to never. I just, some of the echoes they had in this movie, I'm just like, I couldn't do that. Like, you're trying to recreate that. I don't know how to fuck that. Yeah. It's impressive. All right.

Well, as I said, there is not a framer line in this movie that isn't worthy of our scorn. So we're going to keep the break brief. When we come back, we'll dive into all the aggressive half-assery that is clash in the college. Just the college, by the way. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for Clash in the College. As you know, I was recently escorted out of a Chucky Cheese parking lot for yelling my political beliefs. So we're going to rewriting a movie where I recite every argument I've ever heard politically since 2008.

Just sort of back and forth verbatim. That sounds awful. And there will also be a rape. That's Wes. Yep. Yep, somehow worse. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to open up on a legal disclaimer that seems to be hedging its bets.

It tells us that most of the people and events in this movie are fictitious. It's because the idiot who made this movie saw the thing at the front of South Park. And he was like, oh, I'm supposed to put one of those in so nobody sues me. But then he was like, but wait, Glenn Beck is real. Oh, you're right. I wouldn't want to lie. Yeah. I was so excited.

I thought this was like a tease, like such an exciting buildup, but it's like, no, it's because they use clips from the news and political commentary and they're stupid. That's got to be it.

Because he points his camcorder at a YouTube video for three quarters of this fucking movie. And then has one rotoscope. We'll talk about it. Yep. Then we get our title. It says,

Clash in the College part one. That's part one of one, by the way. Yeah. No. His next movie is about a. mass shooting and I fucking get it. He wanted to do something less offensive

and harmful. Do you know what? This movie, so many times I felt like it was leading to a mass shooting. So that makes complete sense to me. There you go. So yeah. So we get a bunch of footage that he clearly like lifted from some college's website or whatever because then when we get to his movie,

the video quality drops by like two orders of magnitude. Yeah. And then I wrote in my notes in all caps, this audio is a war crime. Little did you know how bad it was going to get. Yeah.

So this is where we meet, for lack of a better phrase, I guess, our main character. This is James, who you might remember from such roles as club patron number seven, Carjacker, and two separate IMDB credits as Guard Number Two. I guess he's just, he's got a Guard No, 2 look to him. Do you think he played Guard Number 2 the first time? they were like, oh, you'll be guard one. He was like, actually, I kind of have a thing. I'm kind of an Al Pacino heat era, finding my place.

He does also look like, I can't say this for sure, but it looks like it's the same protagonist in this director's other film called Hitler's Girl, which I think if you guys haven't seen yet, you should put that on your list. I think that belongs on the fucking list, yes. So then he calls about an apartment, he can't afford it. and then he walks outside and he's in dead silence for so long that I had to check to see if my headphone

had come unplugged. All of us. All of our notes at this point in the film are just, the sound is broken. How the world I must reboot several computers. Here's how bad it is just that how long it goes on is that I felt like my headphones

were unplugged. I wrote that in my notes. And then I checked again because I'm like, no, clear certainly there's something wrong here. This is a great early indicator of how much time we will spend in this film watching people do nothing for no reason. He looks around.

He has a stretch. He walks down a road in dead silence. And that will keep happening. No, this isn't, like he's not going elsewhere in the movie or anything. That's just it. Yeah. And then we cut to a woman in the shower, who this filmmaker clearly enjoyed filming in the shower.

Well, I think he proposed to all the actresses in this movie. I would like to watch you shower. And this is the one who was like, yeah, why not? Because it doesn't have to be in the movie either. There's no reason to have her showing in the movie. This is also just like he wanted to watch her shower and was like, oh, it's for the movie. Yeah. It's for the film.

Well, and not only that, not only do we not need to see her shower. We don't need this character, right? She serves no function in the movie whatsoever. She barely ever interacts with any of the other characters, right? But we watch her shower. We watch her get dressed. and then she goes to work at the medical center, just the medical center where she's a doctor.

The medical hotel where she works. Yes. And this is our first, this is also our first insight into the fact that nobody in this film can walk like a normal human being. She walks with her coat on her arm like a waiter, which is really weird. So yeah, so she gets, we cut to her a doctoring

and a woman, this is Evelyn, right? This is going to be our female lead. Evelyn shows up to get a physical. Now, I don't know if you've ever had a physical, but the way it goes is just someone just asks you three random questions and then you're done. That's it. Right. What's crazy is like so much of this movie, right, is this this gentleman who made this movie, he has like, he's excited that he learned things. Right.

So like someone at some point was like, you know, it's very important that women get Papsmairs. And he was like, I need a scene in my movie. we're a doctor. And that's every, every scene is just someone said something to him. And they were like, hey man, this is important to remember. And he was like, don't worry. I will make sure to repeat this for the whole world in movie four. Right.

Yeah, exactly. So then she goes like, what, do you have any other questions? And I'm like, other, she hasn't asked any questions yet. And also she hasn't done the physical. She's just sat at a desk after an awkward handshake, which everybody does as well. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of awkward handshakes in this movie. if you need a drinking game, every awkward handshake.

So then she goes, Evelyn says to the doctor, she's like, how can I control my weight? And, okay, first, if this woman asked you how to control your weight, you talk to her about anorexia, right? She weighs like 110 fucking pounds. And most of that is her 90s hairdo. It's hair. Right, yes.

And so the doctor starts talking to her about the dangers of obesity. And then she's like, watch what you eat. and to exercise. And I'm like, oh, thanks for the medical advice there. It's cool. Yeah, as a lifelong fat person, this is what everyone does to you. It's just they don't usually do it

to people who look like Evelyn. This is what my doctor does to me when my leg's broken. But it's interesting to see it happen to Evelyn too. Just why is this in the film? I think this whole bit exists in the film. This is like a semi-spoiler for later, but I think the whole section with the doctor exists

so that they can look at the picture, of Mary Curie that the doctor has on her desk, which is not even stuck to the wall. So you can tell they had this filming location for like 10 minutes. It's just propped up on the desk. It's just so she can go like, look at this picture of Mary Curie. This makes me feel like an empowered woman. Yes. Just so that Evelyn can think about that later.

That's the only reason I can think that this doctor scene exists. And then they have to come back to her a couple of times to like justify this scene. Yeah. Well, I assume that you also have loose, unhung pictures. of random women who you know nothing about. Well, obviously most of my wall is taken up by my JFK quote

with the flag in the background. I hear your JF quote. Yeah, and your American flag. She says, well, you know, I can't keep this picture of Marie Curie because it empowers me. And Evelyn says, yeah, I keep a picture of JFK in my room for the same reason. I'm like, really?

JF, when is this movie? Yeah. And that, by the way, is the end of the physical. This movie really likes JFK. Yeah, clearly. But I guess the doctor's like, well, if you've got a JFK picture hanging in your room, you must be doing all right.

End of physical. You can go down. Asked and answered. No need to check anything else about you. Job done. Yep. So now we're going to cut to my best worst. We cut to this brunette in.

This is Sarah. She's in a library. And this, again, we're in the children section. This is not a fucking college library. And then we immediately. cut away from her in the library, she's now at a bus stop. Why was she in it? It's like three seconds of library.

Why was he at the library? It's like a character establishing shot rather than like establishing a location. We're establishing a character. This woman exists in time and space and has legs. She's not just at this bus stop. She's modular. I bet he was watching the bus stop shots and he was like, people are going to think she doesn't have legs.

There's no legs in these shots. There's a couple of problems they got a tackle here, which is one, can she move? Because now we see her barely being able to walk because she's always wearing two high heels. But also, nobody ever gets the bus in this movie. So the bus stuff itself is a bit of an anomaly that you have to kind of wash away. Right, because they all have cars later and they get up and just leave at a certain point. They're like, well, that's my time sitting at the bus stop.

As though the filmmaker doesn't know what happens at those little benches. And I believe that. I believe that the person who made this film was like, in America, they sit at this little booth like two or three times a day. That's how you meet girls. You meet girls at the little bench. Oh my God, that's right. So yeah, so then Professor Harvey shows up.

And this scene, again, I would leave it out, but I can't leave anything out of this fucking movie. She has this conversation with this professor who we will see like two other times for no goddamn reason later. And the conversation goes something like this. She's like, I'm thinking about getting an online degree. And he's like, oh, no, that's a bad idea. She's like, so you think it's a good idea?

And I'm like, who are you, Eli? This is how I react. to when I have ideas. That's fair. This guy, I just, I have to say, though, and I'll try not to ramble too much because there's so much to say about every character. But this guy is so funny.

Like he said, he's barely in it. He literally looks like an alien out of a men in black movie. He walks like an alien in a skin suit, like trying to be a human for the first time, but he's only had Monty Python walking sketches as his reference. And then when he's talking, he says like, And I don't, and, um, uh, no, I don't think, um, like, give him a script. What's happening?

Yeah. Right. Is he improv? So, like, honestly, I think what this is is that this entire movie was made because the filmmaker wanted an opportunity to talk to some pretty girls. And his friend who was 37 years older than him is like, oh, talking to pretty girls. Oh, I like that idea. And this is what we're seeing like this guy talked to a young woman for the first time in

this goddamn life, right? Yes, it was someone with no sense of American culture and a very tentative grasp of the English language and a guy who has had more practice conversations than he's had real one, like fucking meme handshake style being like, we're going to talk to some girls. That's it. That's the movie. Yep. It's okay.

So now it's time for our college class. We get a professor. Now, our college class is taught in the children's section of the local library guys. as well, obviously. And like all algebra classes, it begins with the assignment, read a book about this guy

and then write a paper on it. Yes. Yes, she says to learn abstract algebra, we're going to learn about four different mathematicians. I'm like, that's a terrible way to learn algebra. Here's what's so crazy. I was like,

is this my privilege? I googled like, do they have normal? school in India and Google was like, yeah, man, this guy's an idiot. And I was like, sorry, I didn't want to be problematic. I thought maybe this is how they do, man. Class is. I don't fucking know. She goes, so first we're going to learn about Carl Gouse. So I want everybody to go find a book about Carl Gouse and then read it and write a paper because that's how it works in college. And I'm like, I don't think this library has 11 books on Carl Gouse, man. There's

too many people for this assignment. And then, and then James is like, oh, how long should the court be and she's like, I don't know. I think quality matches more than corn. I guess like this. It's like, you're the, this is your assignment. You're the professor. This is your job. Follow your heart. So, okay.

That's, oh, God, that's literally your advice. So James is like, he's looking for books while chewing gum contemplatively. Then we watch him read in the movie. And he's reading a 5,000 page book. It's a dictionary. The notion that he's, yeah, he's reading a dictionary. Yeah. And so

the end of the, And the professor comes by and she's like, wow, James, you have a very big dictionary there. And by way, I don't know if this character ever gets a name. I have her as flirty professor for the rest of my notes. Yes, same. So then, okay. So another new character looks out of his back window and is surprised to find snow there. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I love this guy. Jack Skellington discovering what's this? Yes. It goes on so long. He's just like, ha-ha. This is the director of the movie. Just pulling apart snow.

And then there's a scene of it walking down the street and doing the same shit. And it will never matter, by the way. Staring at a snowman and you're like, why? Yeah. No, this will never come back. It won't even be winter in the next scene. Nope. Right?

Like months later, it'll be winter. So now this is the filmmaker. This is a gentleman from India. The character's name is. Krishna. And what we're supposed to see is like, oh, he's like an exchange student from India and he's never seen snow before, right? So, but meanwhile, at a sunny bus stop, clearly not in winter. Everybody's in short sleeves and shorts and shit. We see Sarah again. And she meets a young gentleman by the name of Quinton, who she just can't get enough of despite the fact that he's reading a

Glenn Beck book at the bus stop. Yeah. He's reading a, he's really like, I mean, I, it's not on me to judge, but like if you're a random young college girl at the bus stop, this is not the kind of guy that you would be like licking your lips for like she is. Not particularly, no. No, James I could see, but Quentin, no. Yeah. And Quentin is also like, Quentin is like an anomaly because he is, you know, they do the handshake thing or whatever. And he's like, oh, I'm into chemistry, but I want to study music, but I'm mostly into politics.

And here's this Glenn Beck book. And you're like, who? What are you? Who is this character? Pick a character. Pick a character. If you're majoring in chemistry and you want a major in music,

you missed by a lot. There's not going to be a lot of crossover between those majors. You're going to have to take an extra semester in there somewhere. The other thing is like Quentin kind of looks like there's a heartwarming movie about a debate club of minority students

and Quentin's the villain. Right? Quentin's from like Foof and Hoof University that's won every year except for this one. Yeah. And everything that he says and does reinforces that except for the fact that the filmmaker is an awful person who doesn't realize

this is a bad character. Because she's like, so how you doing it? And he's like, all these fucking people on food stamps and stuff. There's just too many people living off the government. We're like, calm the fuck down, Glenn. And that's not an exaggeration. That's literally what he says as well.

And he's like, the word need is destroying our nation and I was like this is definitely a film entirely made by aliens. The nation he must mean is like Skebulon 5 the planet that this cast and crew are from because they do not have a single normal human conversation.

And then he's like, you know the Ten Commandments? And I'm like, why isn't she running away? Why is she not calling the police? And her answer is amazing. He goes, you know the Ten Commandments and she says, anti-quote, I've heard of them. I've heard of them.

Yes, I have heard of them, fellow human being. Yeah. And then she says, well, sure was nice to meet you and she leaves. Now, again, she's at the bus stop, right? So my thought is she's done the correct thing. She's like, oh, that's my bus over at the other love box. Other place.

It looks like she legitimately ran away because she comes to the bus stop, sits down, and then leaves again. Yeah. But I do think the director just doesn't know what a bus stop is. Exactly, because she's supposed to be into this. guy and they'll be dating soon after. Yeah. So that was not her running.

So, okay. So then we cut to Flirty Professor. Now, last time we saw her and James, she said that she might have a room to rent, right? Okay. I know there's so much to get through, but I have to talk about this actress trying and failing to put on a pair of glasses for the first

fifth. So she goes, I'm so glad that we have a video option now. She goes directly into her eye with one of the arms of the glasses. And then I watch her really think about the fact that you get the same amount of votes as this woman. I watch her push

like there was going to be some form of give and then she gets trapped. She gets trapped. And there's no fucking way out of her. So she starts from scratch. She folds the glasses and is like, you can fucking do this, Susan. You graduated

beautician school. Hands of an angel. And then she gets it. I think when she folded up again, and she thought that this idiot filmmaker would start again. She was like he's going to cut the start of that. Yeah. Yeah.

Hell no. So she's like, I've got that room to rent. And he actually says, wow, it's a lot like a hotel room. It's a hotel room. We know it. You can see it's got the special lock that you use in a RFID card on the door in the background. When they acknowledge it, you're like, oh, are they making a joke at their own expense? Or are they just stupid?

What is this supposed to mean? I don't even. Honestly, I think the actor was making fun of the filmmaker and he didn't realize it. Yeah. Keep it in. Keep it in. Oh, but it has tennis courts, though. Well, yes.

Her house, which is a hotel room has tennis courts. Well, you know, college professors have palatial homes, don't they, Eli? Isn't that right? Yeah, that's true. How are your tennis courts? Look upon my many. Yeah, the tennis courts are behind the pictures of a chum the cat.

So, okay. So then we cut to Krishna and he's on the phone at his apartment complex or whatever. And he sees Sarah carrying a heavy box. And he's like, oh, can I help you? And she's like, no. And then he follows behind her like a fucking creep. He's licking his lips again. Just because that's what people do in this film and they see someone they like.

So he's stalking her down the road. Like, yeah. Yeah. And the movie has no idea that he's being a creep, right? And I don't think it'll ever figure that out. So then we cut to Flirty Professor. She's getting into her car as though there must be a better way. right?

Because she has to drop papers and she hadn't really thought of the logistics of that. Because she's never had a human body before so she can't manipulate both arms at the same time. That's a problem for so many of these people. That's it.

There's like a puppeteer above them trying to do the arms. And he's like, I'm not even fucking with the legs. You know the guy in Men in Black that's like a little tiny guy piloting? Yeah, like human suit? That's what these people are. Also, I want to, I have to talk about James's shirt

because James's shirt, and I want this fucking shirt, it just says community college. Yes. That's it. As the community were the name of the college he went to. So either that's an ironic shirt that the movie maker didn't understand and was like, this is perfect. We can now have a college, a college shirt.

Or that's from like Ruthermore Community College near this place. He shot most of this movie and they were like, like, hey, Krishna, you can't use the name of our college in your movie. And he's like, damn. And he just scratched it out. Yes. He just got some fucking sandpaper and was like, you don't own community. I think you might be right.

Yeah. So yeah, but then James shows up and there's this kind of, there's supposed to be this flirtatious moment where like he dreamed of her last night, you know. Yeah, but he doesn't say that. Is that what that's supposed to be? Yeah. No, because what he says is I didn't sleep well. I had a dream.

I can't explain the dream. And then he gets into his car and drives away. Yeah. She's like, you don't have to. That's not a fuck dream. If someone says that to me, I assume their psychosis has progressed, then I need to trick them into like an assisted living.

This is the first hint of school shooter. I'm telling you. No, that's fair. That's fair. All right. So, but then creepy guy, Krishna goes to the library where he just, he finds a random woman.

at the library. This is Evelyn, right? Who he apparently has never met and he says, I would like some help with my pronunciations. And she's like, well, I guess that's what I'm doing now. I have to talk about what happens before this scene that we didn't see. Yeah, yeah. So they shot this scene the first time. And the librarians were like, hey, you guys are speaking too loudly. You need to be quiet.

So the scene we witness is him being like, hello, I would like to practice. Namprancing nation. It's genuine agony because they crank the volume so loud to compensate for the fact that everyone's whispering that you get these piercing just like s. Yes. And then like he's falling asleep mid-pronunciation and I guess that's a joke that you had to be there.

I don't know if that's like an inside joke with him or something. No idea. Yeah. And it's the best falling asleep acting. I've seen, he's like, Prishna? I know not to close. If I close my eyes for more than five seconds,

everyone around me leaves. That's what happens every time. So I'm not going to pretend to be asleep for too long. So, and then, okay. And again, just an insight into this filmmaker's sad, sad world. We open up on James, who's supposed to be our hot guy, right? And he's cute, right?

Like, he's not, I don't know if he's leading man cute, but he's like, he's like a poor man's Captain America. So we're going to have to, Fight Chris Hemsworth if we ever meet him now. Well, it's not Chris Hemsworth, but we're going to have to fight the other. They're all the same. Yeah. No, they're all named Chris.

It really fucks it up. We have to fight all. Chris. Yeah. So, okay. So, but then I feel like if I had to fight one or the other, it would be Hemsworth, just because I'm going to lose either way. And if one of them's going to wet my ass.

Anyway, sorry. So James shows up and he sees Evelyn and he's like, ooh la la. And in a competent filmmaker's movie, they would then flirt in some way. or they'd interact in some way, but because this guy doesn't know how that would work, James just sits next to her or close to her and kind of stares at her creepily for a while.

While the camera zooms in and out on his face. Yes. Yes. Because of reasons. Yeah, and that's it. Yeah. I think he probably asked him if he could have the eyeballs fall out of his head and have his tongue unroll like a big bankers reel.

It's like, or maybe if I kind of push in and out, then that'll look right. Yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, man, that's just encouraging. cartoons, man. And then we get a scene of fucking Krishna ordering pizza. Yeah.

There's no fucking reason for this. This is also agony. It's like his character trait is that people can't understand him, even though he is probably the most comprehensible in the film. He's the easiest to understand out of all of these freaks. And so he gets a pepperoni pizza and he stares at it like it's murdered his whole family and he can't eat that. So he sends it back.

And then the scene's over. And that's it. And it never comes back. Also, he just ordered pizza. He just went up pizza. He says, do you have pizza here? And three seconds later, the waitress is like, yes, here is a pizza. And he's like, oh, I can't eat this.

And she's like, well, we're done then. There's no other interaction for us to have. And then, by the way, later, he and this waitress will be such good friends that she drives him around. And we, no fucking idea when that happened. Yeah, no, that's all off screen. Yeah, there's a cut scene where she apologizes for bringing him the pizza he asked for. And then, okay, we check back in with that doctor that admittedly I had forgotten about at this point in the movie.

And we have this scene. Again, I could leave this out and you would know, you'd miss nothing in terms of the narrative of the movie. But how the fuck do we leave this out? This woman comes in and she says, my six-year-old's acting up, do you have a pill I could put her on? Mm-hmm. And then Dr. Hicks is just like, I don't. think kids should be on pills. And I'm like, why are you a fucking doctor then? Yeah, I feel like you really don't belong in doctorate them if you think the answer to medical

problems isn't medicine. And she just sits there and she just lists a big long list of random side effects of a non-specific medication. Like, oh, well, you could die or get diarrhea. And you're like, from all the medications? I mean, it depends on the medicine. Yeah, you could. oh my fucking she says she says you know my advice is to be more compassionate and support her and i'm just thinking because because eli you've you've got a kid who has behavioral problems can you fucking imagine you take max into a doctor and they're like well you tried being more compassionate and supporting

yeah i'll tell you try being more present he's going to have to go see another doctor about what happened to that picture of mary curing and why it's so deep inside him think about Think about the fact that this motherfucker who could not Mike a single scene in his movie was like, but you know what I got to do? I got to weigh in in psychopharmacology. Like that's what people. People need to hear my thoughts on the medication of children in the United States. I might not know which direction a microphone should point,

but I do know whether or not children should take medical advice from doctors or me. Unbelievable. And that scene's over. We're never going to see that woman. We're never going to hear about her kid again. The doctor again will never interact with any of the characters in the film from this point on. That's it. It's just there for its own.

It's like they've cut scenes from a different film into this movie by action. Yeah. And that probably is what it is, is that he had some other movie he was making. And he's like, man, this is just gold. I got to use it somewhere. So, okay. So then James gets home to the house he's renting from sexy professor. and he gets all shirtless to do some shirtless studying.

Maths. Yes. Yeah. Maths in the sense of reading about Carl Gouse. I always get shirtless for maths. Just get so hot from reading about Gouse that he's like, yeah. Oh, that's got. Yeah.

So then Flirty Professor comes in dressed to do some fucking. Mm-hmm. But he's too excited about Gouse, I guess. Yeah. Well, I mean, I have to rely on you guys for this. I couldn't understand a sense. single word of the conversation between them. So if you know what happened, I completely missed it. No, me neither. What's amazing about this is that they told this professor actress, who was a slightly

older woman like, hey, this is the sexy scene. So she got like her daughter's tube top and she was like, fucking this. And Krishna guy was like, yeah. Hell yeah. I got James's shirt off. I got you and a tube top from 1992. We are rocking it. And what's going to happen? you're going to go in, you're going to talk about maths, I think, and then you're going to leave. And then you're going to leave. That's it. Now, it'll sexually sway your way out. Yeah.

Full hip sway. Yeah. Like she's swimming or something. Yeah. So, okay, so now Quentin's going to show up and meet James at that very same bus stop where no buses ever come. Can I please do an audio impression of how this soon begins? That's exactly what I was about to say. Because I feel like I can relay this like really, really accurately.

Okay. Hold on. You're going to be laughing. Yep. Flawless. It's literally. That's literally what happens. Podcast listener.

It's funny. It's also 100% worth. It really is. It's a bad rendition. It's a bad reddish. It's so crazy. And, That's his theme music, I guess.

That will be Quentin's theme music, no matter what is happening in the movie. Including a rape. Yes. He will be comforting someone after a rape, and he gets his America the Beautiful on a recorder, but quiet. Yes. So he's here to invite James to like young Republican club or something, right? Yes. We've also just to add in, we have seen James drive away in a couple of,

Yes. Oh, yeah. So just to remind everyone that this bus stop is incomprehensible as well. No, James owns a car. Yeah, right. He's just there to meet people. Like, you know, it's just where you go to CNBC, I guess. Where you hang out, yeah. And then we get my honest favorite scene of the movie.

And again, why am I even talking about this scene? It matters none at all. But remember that Kresna's characterization is that nobody can understand what he's saying. So he lived a scene from his real life. And this is so fucking funny because he's calling to cancel a. subscription, but the person on the other side can't understand his accent. But here's the thing. That's just a scam that people use when you try to call to cancel a subscription.

They pretend they can't hear you until you give up, right? That like a lot of companies have been sued for doing that shit. And Krishna's dumbass just bought it so fucking hard. He's just like, well, is me. I can never cancel a subscription. And he should not have fallen for it because she makes it very clear it's not his accent because he spells it out going A is an apple. and she's like, oh.

Yes. What flavor apple? What? It's fucking, he might as well have a scene where his Nigerian prince friend like runs out of money and needs it to release it. So yeah, and then the fucking pizza waitress shows up at the library to also flirt with Evelyn, I guess. Yeah, and they introduce themselves and they shake hands awkwardly because that's how everybody interacts

in this film. Hello, nice to meet you. we're also characters in this film. Yeah, and so we learn that pizza waitress's name is Maya, and Evelyn tells Maya that she works at the KFC over by the college. Now, this matters because James is sitting in the background and here's this bit of information. He will use it several scenes away when we have forgotten about it. Okay.

Everything that a man does in this movie is the worst thing a man should do in any given situation. Like, based on this movie, I think we should be. able to all get restraining orders against Krishna. Yeah. There's a rape in this movie and I was like, oh, I hope the person who made this movie knows that was a rape and not like a surprise. Yeah. Oh, Jesus.

So, okay. So now we're going to horror movie shot our way to Flirty Professor drinking alone. And what he wants is like that night vision creepy shot, but he doesn't know how to do that. So they've just filmed in the dark with a flashlight and he's tinted it green. Yeah. I think it's supposed to be a. sexy shot. I don't even think it's supposed to be scary.

Well, he's got horror movie and music. Yes, because scary doesn't make sense. No, it does not. But it's got horror. Yeah, it sounds like psycho. And it's just totally bizarre. And it's all first person POV. And that's the only time this ever happens in this film.

Leading up to like, who's going to open this door and walking on the professor. And then Professor looks is like, oh, hey, James. And it's just James. And that's the end of that. And you're like, was that meant to be a joke? Yeah. Why is that in the film? And he comes in.

And he's like, hey, professor, I was just, you know, for the class, I was working on Fermat's last theorem. And I'm like, man, that is a high level math class you're doing there. What a weird math class. Yeah. He sits, again, so keep in mind that so far, obviously, their relationship is about to be inappropriate. But so far, he is her student who rents a room in her house.

That's what we're supposed to believe about their relationship. He comes in to talk to her. And they just met. Yeah. Yes. He comes in to talk to her about the paper he's doing for her class. And he sits next to her. the bed, not like at the foot of the bed, which would already be inappropriate, like, husband and wife's style.

Like, it just plops into her bed. To make this worse, it's a twin bed. This is a tiny little bet, right? So he's basically sitting on her lap, like he's going to tell her what he wants for Christmas. Yes. And that is another, like, this is why the hotel room thing was such a bug bear for me. Because you can see that there's another bed in the room because it's a twin hotel room that they're pulling in. So it makes it even weirder that he's snuggling up to her on this one twin bed

when there's another one right next to them. So, okay. That's not the math bed. This is the math bed. Obviously. So they're sitting there talking sexy maths and then he looks over at the TV. Now, you kind of have to extrapolate this, but she's supposed to be watching porn. It is supposed to be porn, right?

Because it's just two clothed people like hugging in slow motion. So it's a woman. It's a woman. They're both standing and it's a woman spooning a man. Yes. And I wrote, disgusting.

I agree movie. How vile? It looks like an ad for like Anderson home windows or something. And also, by the way, he's superimposed this on a shot of a television from 1953 with rabbit ears and shit, you know,

but it doesn't actually fit onto the TV. So he just had to fade it out on one side. It's the worst. It's so. easy. I just have to like as as an editor and a VFX person, I just have to have the little like, it is so easy to rotoscope a solid shape. Yes. You just draw the shape of the TV. And he's just like, oh, it's a rectangle. What do I do? I'll blur the edges. That's not how things work. Really think about like how he came to the understanding of rotoscoping, but not anything else. Like how does how does

rotoscoping get into this movie, but not what direction the microphone point? Right. you know. So okay, but so then, you know, James sees the porn on the TV and he puts a hand on the professor's leg and then he's like, oh, oh, I'm so sorry. And he storms out. But then his lust gets the best of him and he comes back in. Okay. Before he comes back in, he aims to do the frustration gesture and miss it.

Right? So he. So the frustration gesture for a bad actor is. is, oh, I put my hands to my head. And he was like, nope, too much gel. So he just sort of hovers his hands around his head, right? Like fucking Carnac. And then he goes in and fucks his professor.

Yes, and then he fucks the professor. All right, well, things are getting a little risque. So I think we all need a minute to cool down. But we're back in a flash with even more of Clash in the college. Hi, I'm no illusions. Are you a man who sees a woman in a public place minding her own business? Does it seem like she'd like someone to talk to? Introducing our revolutionary new program, don't.

Excuse me, ma'am. I noticed you were reading your book and I just wanted to say, right? No matter how versed you are in intersectional feminism, the simple don't method will help you start leaving women alone in no time. Just remember, don't. That's D. Don't talk to women alone in public. Oh, only talk to women alone in public if they talk to you first.

N, no talking to women in public if they're alone, and T, talking to women alone in public, don't. Ever since I started doing the don't program, literally tens of women no longer have to stop what they're doing to assess whether or not I am a physical threat to their safety. Thanks, don't. Don't, because if women wanted to talk to you, they would. And we're back for more of this shit and we're going to rejoin the action with Sarah and Quentin running into each other on a walk. Now, I should say that from this point on, virtually every time two characters interact in any way, one will be walking and the other will walk up and say, hello, person who's, you know, name. And they'll say, oh, hi, name. And that's how the scene goes.

And then they'll do an awkward handshake in the scene will start. It feels like that the guy who made this movie went through some kind of socialization class where they were like, hey, just so you know, this is how Americans greet each other. And he was like, every fucking time. Got it. 100% of the time, no matter how many times they've met before and whether or not they're dating, people shake hands. Yes. Well, yeah, because in this scene, he just goes, hey, I'm just going to go for pizza. Would you like to go for pizza with me?

And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, why isn't this starting at the fucking pizza place then? Yes. Jesus Christ. They gave her a coffee. They've started her on a walk with a coffee. So she's obviously just been to like a cafe. Right.

Why did they do that? What was? Were they just like, she needs a prop. She looks too in. human. We've got to give us something to hold. I guess. God. And then he decides he's going to try his luck with filming in a car.

But the camera's just... Goes as well as you imagine. Yeah, no, there's no lighting. He's using a close-up lens. The camera's jostling like crazy. And... I love close-ups of the side of people's noses. It's my favorite thing to watch in a film. And then the fucking dialogue is so generic. They might as well just be saying, word, word,

word back and forth. This is where he tells her that he plays the guitar. And I'm like, could this guy get any sexier? Oh, Quentin, Blue City, my man. I actually, you know what? If the director was self-aware, this would be like the only real character because like faux intellectual college guy

dropping casually unsuffly that he plays guitar is like, oh man, I totally get this character, but I hate him. Whereas I think the film wants us to like him, but I'm not sure. Exactly. If this guy was the movie's villain, he would be a very well-written character. Yeah. Well, I don't know about very well, but like, you know, a flashed out character. So, okay, so now we get Krishna walking into the library. He introduces himself to James by each of them saying each other's names and then shaking. And they have this fucking belabored moment because you can tell he tried this with someone once and it didn't go over. And he's like, I'm going to put it in my movie. And everyone's going to think it's fucking.

looking great. But then no one laughs it in the movie. So here's the thing. Okay. So Jesse, James's name is James Wagner. Right? And Krishna goes, like, like Wagner, the German composer. And again, because he's replaying what obviously happened in real life, he should have James go, ha ha ha ha, that is funny. But he just goes, what? And he's like, what?

And they go, well, that's stupid. Nothing. Nothing can be cut from the movie. It's so weird. We cut to Quentin, and that's it. That's the whole scene, by the way. I guess we just had to establish that he knew James. And then we cut to Quentin, and I wrote in my notes as a joke. We cut to Quentin recording his podcast, but he is.

He is. He is. He's recording it into his webcam, just like us. Oh, my God. And he's going, socialism failed everywhere, like list of places that communism failed in. and no socialist places whatsoever. There's some deep cuts here. Socialism apparently failed in North Korea and Vietnam.

Oh, interesting. I didn't catch Vietnam. Yeah, Vietnam was his third choice there. All right. And so, yeah, but his message seems to be Americans are lazy. We need to be better like China. You know, we could have an awesome country like China has. Then we cut to James, Googling the KFC near the state college,

because, you know, he overheard Evelyn talking about working there. And what better way to flirt with a girl than to show on. And to stalk her at work. Unexpectedly at her job. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't want to speak for women, Emma, but like, oh, my goodness. What a compliment, right? It's just, I got confused here as well because I thought they knew each other.

Because when he, like, looks at her, when he stops and stares at her lustily through the window, she, like, does this big, like, smile and nearly falls over. But then he walks in and they both go straight face and walk like this. And she's like, hello, what can I get for you? And I'm just confused. Right. And also, hey, why isn't she in a KFC? This was my question.

Now, Emma, do you have KFC in the motherland? We do have KFC, yes. Okay. Are they the worst buildings you've ever been in your entire life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Because they play this like KFC as a family restaurant where she's the hostess slash waitress. Right, he gets table service at KFC?

I've never... She comes over to be like, I forgot she comes over to be like, so how was your meal? What? How was your meal at KFC? Oh, shit, thank you. Yes. I was really bad. I think I only got 10 herbs and spices to be honest with you.

I could literally all the way die at KFC and there's no guarantees they would put my body in the right color trash bag. How is it? How is your meal? Lick these things. Lick these figures and tell me this is any good. You tell me. But then, yeah, but he flirts, stares more

because, again, the filmmaker thinks that's romantic. And then he, like, puts his name in a little heart on the receipt and, like, leaves that at his table for when she comes to bus it. But, like, what's she going to do? He doesn't leave a number or anything. Like, what's he going to do?

Oh, James, I will use my psychic powers. I think it's because there's no extras in this film and people keep bumping into each other. I think these are the only like six people in this city. So she's just like, oh, James. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.

This takes place after the apocalypse where everyone with an IQ over nine died. I got. So it's just these four morons. These are the people that didn't get raptured. Yes, exactly. Everyone got raptured except for these five idiots. I also want to point out, if you're trying to flirt with the girl at the KFC, you can at least bust your own fucking table, man, you lazy bastard.

He's rude. Also, if you're trying to. to flirt with the girl at KFC. Stop doing that. She is dealing with her meth addiction in her own journey and it's not time for you to romantically advance to her.

So then we cut to Krishna. Now him and Maya are apparently friends again. No idea when that fucking happened, the pizza waitress. And so she's driving him home from something. And he's like, why don't you just espouse a bunch of political beliefs? And she's like, I

will. And he's like, well, all of them be wrong? And she's like, no, they'll be right in theory, but I'll get all the statistics wrong. They're the craziest racist. These are obviously, so here's what I think happened, right? I think the director of this movie has like got like, you know how racists will like take a minority who doesn't speak English particularly well? And they'll sort of incorporate them into the sphere to be like, we're not racist. We got this guy. Right.

100% agree. This happened to this guy for like a week and a half. And they just told them a bunch of crazy lies. and he's repeating them through this. We're watching him process racial trauma through this movie. Yeah, he literally, he literally asks her what her thoughts are on outsourcing. And you're like, that's got to be racist, doesn't it? Yes.

To put that in the script. Yeah, and she's like, and of course, he's asking her, it's his script. So he's just got a white woman saying his thoughts back to him that he paid her to say. It's a pretty kind of a creepy moment when you, think about it. None of it makes any sense. And then why is she even driving? And then he just gets out the car. Like, thanks for the lift. And you're like, is she an Uber driver?

We'll never know. No fucking idea. Yeah. So then we cut to James at the professor's house. And we introduce him with what I've described in my notes as the music that a cowboy shrimp rides a sea horse to. It's the most obtrusive thing you could possibly imagine. If I was trying to pick a fight with someone in an emergency. This is what I would sing in there.

Bop b'nibout, b'nibout, bount you won't punch me. Bout Bout Boutte Bout Bout Bout Bout Bout Bout Bout Bout Bout. Like if I was causing a distraction so that teens could sneak behind a counter to foil Paul Giamatti, this is the music. I've got to say the music choices in this film is one of the only things about it that brings joy. Oh, yeah. Sometimes it's just so absurd. It's like, okay, we've got variations of cowboy music.

We've got variations of porn music and horror music. And we're just going to mix those together for the film. Or, yeah, with no rhyme or reason, or we'll just have dead, are my headphones still working silent? Dead silence. So, okay. So, but he's watching a lot of Glenn Beck to Cowboy music. He's really getting into it.

And then we cut to Kreishina practicing his pronunciations with Evelyn more. Because apparently that's just what they do on Wednesdays now. Yep. Sarah shows up. Her and Evelyn are also friends. apparently. We didn't know that, but now we do. And so now Evelyn, Krishna, and Sarah are all sitting around a table talking. And as we've mentioned, they've only got one microphone. And what that means is that if one person starts talking

before the other person is all the way shut up, we don't get to hear the first two words of whatever the fuck they said. No. I legitimately like, I, because sometimes I have some auditory processing issues. I was like, I put in my notes like, is it me? I genuinely like, I can hear that sounds are coming out of people's mouths, but I cannot comprehend what is being said. And I don't think it is me. No, it's not you. It's, it's what British people feel about how Americans talk the movie. Right? Like, I'll talk to British friends sometimes and they'll be like, an Nazi. That's what this movie is meant to make everyone feel like what it's like to talk to me as an American. Come on, man. It's like, sometimes you'll be listening

to a, you'll be like watching a foreign movie and there will be. like six or seven words of English that have just been adopted by whatever language they're speaking and you'll be like, fuck do I, what is, that's what I'm doing through this whole God. Compute there. Oh, I know that one.

Yeah, right. So, all right. So then we cut to Quentin leading young Republican club. They're all sitting around in a fucking hotel room together. Right? We finally get to use the second bed. The same hotel room. Yeah.

This is the professor's house that James is renting, but it's not. It's Quentin. club room with his. It's also the doctor's office. JFK poster and yeah. He gets a shout out here to Mark Stein. Fun personal connection to Mark Stein. My mom once did an appearance on Mark Stein show to promote one of her fiction books for no reason that any of us will ever understand. My mom is a very left-wing fiction author and poet. And one of her books, she just went on Mark Stein's show to be like, yeah, It's like a family drama.

And he was like, all right, back to hating black people. It fucking rules. That's awesome. So, yeah. And also, I just want to point out, again, just a small filmmaking note. They've got these two lights right behind him. Like, he's speaking and he's telling everybody about the dangers of the welfare state or whatever. And these just blinding lights are right behind him because, God damn it, that's where those lights are.

And if they turned them off, it would be black. It'd be dark, yeah. So, but yeah, but he's explaining fucking great replacement theory, right, unabashedly. Mm-hmm. And then he's like, also, gay marriage is bad. And I'm like, you're trying to be the worst movie I've ever seen. And Krishna, to his credit, because you can tell this is what the film, he was like, hey, man, you sound xenophobic.

And that's when James is like, oh, no, we're not xenophobic. We have lots of immigrants in this country. And he's like, no, but you hate them. You don't have a black friend if you're in the KKK in the United States, just because there's black people here. They say, word for word, it's not xenophobia twice. Yes. And I was like, yeah, it's not xenophobia. It's just racism.

And James is like, James, when he learned Krishna's name, he was like, Krish. Like, he did that like English speaker thing where he can't be bothered to learn his full name. So he's like, you see, Krish, this isn't xenophobia. And you're like, no, because you're just racist. Right. like, no, we're not afraid of you. We'll crush you under our boots. It has to, there's no phobia here.

Right. He says it's not xenophobia. Literally, this is the fucking line. It's not xenophobia. It's feared of being ruled by foreigners. That xenophobia, man. That's what that word. You're actually reading the definition off a screen in front of you.

And then I'm just like, as I'm going like, wow, this is really one of the worst things I've ever seen. Quentin goes, you know, last night on Michael Savage, he was talking about how women are becoming degenerate sluts in Europe. Degenerate sluts. Degenerate sluts. Degenerate sluts in Europe is the talking point where he's like,

well, thanks for coming everyone. End of meeting. Yeah. I like to end on a point of agreement. Degenerate European sluts. And the ladies are like, oh yes, yes, yes. Oh, my God. I was like, I'm going to punch my mind.

monitor guys and I have one of those nice curved ones now. I know you got a nice one now. This isn't the laptop missing the Jake here. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. You need to do the James thing where you like swing and you miss. Oh, there you go for that. Yeah, right, right.

Aim for your head. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So then James catches up to Evelyn along the old path. People walk down. And he's like awkwardly asking if she wants to go on a date. And she's like, yeah, where you want to go?

Yeah. Can I just. I just want to relay the dialogue for the audience. Oh, please. He says, he says, oh, do you have any plans this weekend? And she says, not at this time. How about you? It's literally just missing the fellow human.

Yes. I've never heard a human speak in their whole lives before writing the script. And then he goes, and he goes, well, you know, there's this very cool train curve out in the woods that I like to go to. And she's like, fucking what? Now, admittedly, I've only murdered three or four people, but this is a very unsubtle way to lure someone into a murder, right? Yes, like way out the woods where only the trains go. Come to look at this bit of railroad with me. Yeah.

And this says, honestly, it's an accidental, brilliant moment here because he says he makes that invite. And then because this guy's bad at editing, there are 22 seconds of silent. walking before she goes, okay. Yes. If I asked someone out and it took them this long to say yes, I would start filming on my phone and scream at the top of my lungs, hey, it seems the answer is no and you are afraid. I am going to leave now and you can text me if I am mistaken.

I will be turning myself in at the local police station for your safety and mine. Oh, God. But for some reason, what happens is they continue and they just sit at a bench and continue speaking awkwardly for another five minutes because that's what people do.

This is the worst. She goes, well, do you come to horseshoe curve often? That's the actual line. And then they have a little bit of conversation and like 18 seconds later she goes, so do you go to horseshoe curve alone? Yes.

We almost got Emma with that one. We almost lost them. Her notes turned dark. We're all having a good time here, but her notes got various. There was a direct address to us. She was like, I'll find you, you American people. This section of my notes does say, just kill me. And then there's like so much silence.

It's like it's almost real because they clearly have no chemistry. These people have zero chemistry. And they're just like, we should bring bug repub. And she's like, have you seen the new type of bug repellent? And then they don't know what to say. So they just keep talking about bug repellent. And then she's like desperately trying to improv something that could be used in the scene. And she asks what he likes to do.

And he says he likes writing. And then I got the, I've replayed it like three times. I could only fathom that he said he writes when he's feeling froggy. And then she laughs. And is that one is that what he says? That is the word he uses when I'm feeling froggy. What is that? He says, I write stories, and then she goes, romance stories.

And he goes, when I'm feeling froggy. She goes, I like to meet cute guys. Just kidding. And I'm like, what? Okay. Yeah. Oh, but to bring in the political angle again, he does have a little bit of a, oh, so do you do this sort of thing a lot and looks a bit uncomfortable just so we remind ourselves that we don't like European sluts to bring it all back home.

Yeah, exactly. One of those European slots. You got to be careful. So then we cut to fucking Kriyna doing his own research. To sack cowboy music. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. The shrimp died.

The shrimp died is sad now. The shame of the shrimp. So yeah, just the ski horse is watching over him. Yeah, yeah. So, but then what we're supposed to establish here is that Kreschna is madly in love with Sarah and he dreams about her and he fantasizes about her. But he's so bad at filmmaking that it takes a long time for us to figure out, oh, he's just fantasizing.

Okay. And also we've only seen him like briefly speak to Sarah like one time. He's had more conversations with the other women in the film. And Evelyn, he was like following down the street and licking his lips and trying to get James to back off of her. So for him to suddenly be like, I've always been in love with Sarah. You're like, did you forget who the characters were? Probably, yeah. So then we cut to James and Flirty Professor at breakfast.

I can't understand a fucking word of what's going. on and the closed captioning is no help. I got some of the lines. Some of the lines I got, he's telling a story. And this is, because this conversation was more natural seeming than most of the others, I wondered if this was just the actor telling a story like in between. Yeah. And Krishna just started filming.

Yeah. And he's like, oh, you know, and my friends didn't think, oh, maybe we should call the police. Maybe we should go to a hospital. And she goes, what if they'd killed you? And he goes, like, no, I would have been fine. It wouldn't have killed me. And that's all you get.

That's the only. It's the only context. Oh, and then we cut to the two of them post-coitus in this tiny little bed. It would be so hard to have sex and this little tiny bed. We cut to them post-coitist and she is assuring him that he is not entitled to an A, which means he did not do a good job during that. Yeah, she's got to broach the subject early because he is not good at maths. Right.

She's like, hey, just so you know, like, I'm on a curve. And so you're not doing anything close to an A performance. So, okay, so then we cut to Evelyn go into Maya's hotel room where the two of them can talk about just fucking nothing. Okay, but this has one of my favorite moments in the movie, right?

So this is where we determine that Maya is the liberal. Yes, Maya, the pizza waitress, is the liberal. And Evelyn is going to borrow some of her liberal books so that she can get it? And she says, can I borrow one of these? And she's like, sure, there's a ton of them. And we cut. And there are six,

books. And then Evelyn has to pretend to choose. You're fucking bookworm. You're fucking nerd. Evelyn has to pretend to choose. She's like, out of all sticks of these, I'll take these.

I'll take a third. And she takes two, which is so greedy, considering how many there are. Yeah. Also, Evelyn, like, can't believe that Maya would lend her a book.

She's like, are you serious? It's like books are like a rare currency in this post of book. Apocalyptic world. You guys basically live in the library. What the fuck are you even borrowing her books for anyway? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, and can I just, just because I feel like it has to be said, because they all live in motel rooms, I guess they don't have a real doorbell sound effect to use. Oh, yes, yes. The sound effect that they use for everybody's doorbell is like a 1920s, like, metal dinner bell. So whenever somebody is at the door, there's like a, don't.

Yeah. Oh, well, I better get there. I better get the bell boy. It's my app telling me I should stop meditating. It's the doorbell for every fucking. It's the Victorian serving girl coming with breakfast. Right, right. See, we're all doing her own personal time.

Emma's childhood. Yeah. My time is a bell hop back of the day. So meanwhile, Krishna comes to see Maya for some fucking reason. And we talk about, quote, The Tribals in Africa. Okay. Her polls for people who are oppressed are the Romani people.

Sure. The Tribals in Africa and the Sami in Norway. Okay. Not familiar. That would be like me being like, I think the dishinges of the day are people being murdered in Palestine, the genocide in Nairobi, and the South Side. of Chicago. It is the weirdest. Given a million guesses,

I would have never gotten the Sami of Norway. At the end, she's just like, and Native Americans. She's like, oh shit there as well. Like, that's important. I missed one. Yeah. And by the way, that's it for that scene.

That's it. That's all we're going to do there. So, okay, so then we cut to Quentin, teach and Sarah, how to guitar. Do we? Nope, we sure don't because no one involved in this

had any idea how to do anything with a guitar. So here's his actual opening advice. He's like, well, first, you know, you want to sit with it in a way that's comfortable. He says that like three times as well. That's a really important lesson.

Don't hang from it from the ceiling. That's important. Exactly. The guitar playing in this scene is so unmoored from reality. It's like, so I have a six-year-old. I have a neurodivergent six-year-old who sometimes gets sort of caught up in his own world. So he just walks in halfway through a conversation about how I'm dogman and his mom is the whale from baby beluga.

That's how much relationship this scene has to guitar, right? They're just sort of, they're passing their hands around it while random MIDI guitar notes play. He goes, he goes, let me show you a really simple chord. And then he plays two separate single notes, one after the other. on the same string. Very simple chord. That's not a chord. It is...

It's one. The most you can... The best you can say about it is that this is probably the best filmmaking choice that is made because they frame the guitar out of shot. So that you can't at least see that they have no... Except for sometimes when you can see her going up and down the neck. Like she's fucking strumming away while it's playing these like three bass notes or whatever.

Well, and then we get another instance of him not realizing that as actors were doing multiple takes, where we get two separate takes of quit and saying, well, you only want to hit one string at a time, you know, despite the fact that he said he's playing chords. I don't know. And she's not hitting any strings. She's just waving her hands around the guitar. So it really. And then we get, I don't, possibly the most random scene in a movie filled with random scenes. We speed cut to Krishna.

He's now in a room with Krishna. And you remember that Professor Harvey from the beginning at the bus stop when we were first at the bus stop? Made him black alien guy. I remember him. Yeah, right, right. So the three of them are sitting around at a table, no idea why. And Professor Harvey turns to Krishna and he goes, well, are you excited about Christmas? Krishna?

And he goes, no, I'm not. It's not my religion. Oh. Sucks. Is the scene going to keep going? Yes. And is it going to go in a random direction? He sure is.

Yeah. Yeah. Krishna's like, I'm by myself. And who is it? Sarah? Is it Sarah? I don't even remember who was in the scene. That's how it's how it's saying it was.

Sarah is like, why don't you go home? And he goes, oh, it's really expensive. It's like this much money. It's really expensive. And Professor Harvey is like, that is really expensive. And you're just like, well, kill me. End my life. Why is the point?

See, this is what? why I can't do no- because I get two seconds into these kind of conversations and I'm like, if you could fuck any cast member of friends, but they die right away after you did it. Who would you choose? You have to rank them right now. Like, I'll say anything other than be trapped. Anything to get out of this. I sense that a conversation like this one might happen and I'm like, do you think

little orphan Annie got fucked by the daddy Warbucks guy? It seemed like a sexual thing. It seemed sexual. Tell me what you think now. Three, two, one. Well, then Sarah's just like, you know, I never miss an episode of the Keith Oberman show. He showed the other night that Sarah Palin is awful. And I'm just like, what is happening?

And then they talk about how Quentin is going to a conference where the speakers will be Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, and Rudy Giuliani. And I'm like, isn't that the fucking Twim intro? What the hell is happening here? Oh, but we got to get the great zing from the professor. I was like, but they have been married many times. Yeah. It's a family values conference. Yeah.

All of them have been married at least three times. And then there's like Scooby-Doo end of episode laughs all around the table. Yeah. There's like a pause, a silent pause. And then the... All right. Well, this is a random time for a break, but all the times in this movie are random. So we're going to take one here anyway.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will we ever see Professor Harvey again? Will Sarah's love for Keith Oberman ever be relevant to the film? Will Krishna's loneliness vis-a-vis Christmas ever matter? Nope. Just all the way around, nothing ever fucking matters. And it'll continue not to matter throughout the conclusion of Clash in the college. All right, I call together this meeting of men who literally cannot respond to anything without mentioning their politics.

I think abortion is wrong. doesn't really. Yeah, no, all right. So as you all know, we are part of a small minority that suffers from a condition that makes it impossible for us to listen to other people

without taking it as a cue for us to instead begin talking as though the news were some form of direct address to us. Obama did drones too, it's being in the news of the school going to make it be drive too slowly and yep, they are.

Now, there is a cure and there is hope. If everyone would take a Yeti blue microphone from the box and just start a podcast. That should help. Okay, but my podcast isn't going to sit right with some people. Me too. Yes, all our podcasts are going to be really great takes on the news, guys.

Just everybody gets a mic. More like Ariana Bluffington. Oh, it's good. That's good. That's what I'll call her. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Kresna, Botherin, James at the Library. again. This time he has

poetry. And this scene is supposed to be a very funny scene, right? Like Krishna has written a poem, a love poem for Sarah, and it's not very good. Right. But the writing in this movie is awful. It is,

in fact, worse than the bad poetry is supposed to be. Right? Like, Krishna has rhymed, Pump and Lamp. But this movie is the worst thing I've ever scene and we are on episode 567 of our bad movie review show. And also, just as a reminder, we established for no reason at all that one of the other

characters that Krishna is friends with is an English lit student. Yes. And we didn't establish that so that she could help him with his romantic poetry. He's asking this math student instead. Exactly. Yeah. It's a great point. And the math student has nothing.

He's just like, yeah, man, that doesn't make sense. You said, you know, she's like an angel after a shower, but I don't think angels take showers. And I'm like, that's not what's wrong with it. Why would that be your feedback? It's insane. Do you think that, look, I know a lot of this movie is based on things that this person went through. Do you think he actually wrote terrible, horrible poems to a woman he barely knew?

And some poor kid at the community college where he festered had to be like, Don't give those to a person. They'll throw you in jail. Yeah. Maybe. I think that's exactly what having. James's advice is basically, man,

your poems have to suck less. And I'm like, more people need to hear that. Yes. It should be said more often. It should be said more often. So then we get up the gang hanging out at the library as they are want to do.

Flirty professor is there and James flirts with her, I guess. Yeah, which is also weird because Evelyn is there and he's supposed to be, who is the one that he stalked to KFC, so he's supposed to be really into her. But he, like, ditches her to go flirt with the professor, which then makes later when he makes it clear that he's into Evelyn, not the professor, even weirder. I just don't, it's like they keep forgetting bits of the movie that happened.

Right. Yeah, yeah. Short-term amnesia would explain, like, memento disease would explain a lot of this as well. So then, so they're fucking more. and then Maya is in her hotel room, liberaling, right? She's doing her podcast. Yeah, recording her podcast. Yes, into her webcam like us.

I think she's supposed to be, she's supposed to be the opposite of Quentin. So they've both got a show and she's like the extreme liberal, but she doesn't actually say anything extreme compared to Quentin's like all right views. She says stuff like the environment is important. Yes. So it doesn't really work as like, oh, these are the two bad extreme cases. Yeah, the two extremes. Yeah, exactly, right. Quentin called everyone in Europe degenerate sluts, and she's like, I think biodiesel should be explored more.

Yes, that's it. That's it. Yeah, she's the most basic imaginable shit. And by the way, in order to make sure that she got a rich audio out of this, she swallowed the microphone beforehand. So we're hearing it from inside of her to use a colonoscopy camera for her microphone. It's really cool. All right. So then we got, we got James and Evelyn, flirting their way through the library. We watched them like pick out books for a while. And it's supposed to be like, you know,

she's picking out a liberal book and he's picking out a conservative book, right? She's got fucking Ted Kennedy's book and he's got Newt Gingrich's book. And then they back away and we see them like on opposite size of the shelves. But the shelves that they're standing in front of are clearly marked fiction. Yep. Which to be fair, is where Rush Limbaugh's books belong. So, you know, maybe a librarian just knew what was up. So, yeah.

And then Quentin happens upon Sarah in her bedroom, right? She's in her room. And he walks in and he's like, oh, hey, Sarah. And she's like, hey, Quentin. And they shake hands. It's like he just spawned in there. Yeah. And she's like, oh, yeah, that's what people do.

Yeah. Good to see you. Did you get sniped by the mine? Yeah, I got snipped by the mind. Sorry. So, yeah. So, but she's, she's reading a book by Eric. Brianna Huffington, you know, as us lefties are want to do.

And she explains to him at this point that she's like, she's not really into that whole left versus right thing. And they, I guess, decide that the thing that they can both agree on despite having political differences is the need to focus on education. Oh my God. I hate this so much. Look, even if we're not counting the now times, right, where everyone who said I'm not left versus right turned out to be an actual

time-traveling Nazi who stepped out of a portal in the hopes of killing as many Jews as possible. Is there anything more boring than people with a third grade level understanding of politics being like, I think we can agree to disagree. That's because you don't understand what you agree or disagree on.

Of course you can agree to disagree. Neither of you know anything. It's agonizing. I agree to disagree with my car mechanic because he says words and I nodded my head up and down. Right. And the thing is, too, is that it's also just one of those things you haven't been told to hate yet, right?

Because it dates this movie, the fact that the conservatives are like, well, you know, I think we can all agree about the importance of education. Not anymore, right? We're all about dismantling education. And then fucking Rush Limbaugh's ghost shows up in the movie like a jump scare. Oh, my God. We're watching it on, we're watching it through a 1992 cam corner on a 1992 website page. We're at 6p. We're at 6p. There's four pixels.

But the fat one in the center is Rush Limbaugh being a bigot. Yeah, we're watching it on the fucking Game Boy essentially at this point. Also, somehow we've gained a filming location. That is important to mention because James is actually in a house now. You're right. He is. And we know that because he's walking around watching these videos, his conservative political videos on his laptop,

which again is very like, oh, look at the radicalization. this must be leading up to the shooting that he's going to come in. Yeah. Because that is clearly the arc of this movie. Yeah, just carrying his laptop around watching it as he does his morning ablutions. Yeah.

Yeah, can't even get his fucking morning shit on without Rush Limbaugh there to help him. Yeah. Okay. Some of us did that with Intelligence Squared debates and they actually turned out to be like great intellectuals. Really incredible minds. And by the way, all the people that they watched in those debates turned out to be really chilling cool.

And it all turned out to be great. And that was an awesome. way to learn true things. I don't know. You guys maybe wanted to have people telling the truth and half people are just lying. Yeah. So, okay. So now Evelyn and James are walking together and flirty professor sees him and she is not

okay with that. So okay. So now it's time for another young Republican meeting, but they're listening to like Barack Obama. There's like an Obama speech. Yeah, this is a liberal version, I think. Well, it's the same guys except for Professor Harvey's there this time. Right. And so I think he's supposed to

Yeah. Started. Okay. I may be in psychosis because I wanted this movie to end so badly. I prayed for death. But in my head, I was like, ah, this is the young liberals club. And so we're seeing Krishna's experience there. Right.

It's all the same people plus the professor Harvey guys. So I got, I had the impression that like he showed up at their club. But yeah, I guess it doesn't really matter. Yeah. But the point is. Everyone else in the world is dead. No. Yeah.

Right. Right. That's fair. Yeah. So, but the thing is, that they establish, oh, he's watching an Obama speech at the beginning, so he must be liberal. But then they just leave the Obama

speech on in the background as the characters have their dialogue with their one fucking microphone. And fucking Quentin's like, look, I don't agree with everything in Obama, but I agree with him on one thing. And everyone applauds. Yes. They literally clap. So what he,

it's even worse, because what he agrees with Obama on, is that education is important, and everybody claps. But he disagrees that they should spend more in education. And I'm like, so what do you agree? What are you agreeing with then about education? I wrote in my notes, then how should we educate people, Quentin? Time travel, osmosis. Well, yeah, no, but then, see, he makes this point.

He says, you know, we need to get, because the point he's trying to make is that we need to get more libertarian with our education. We need to let the free market sort it out, right? And he says, you know, India and China spend less per student. on education than we do in the U.S. And their kids are way smarter than ours. Right? And I'm like, yeah, but you wouldn't go for any of the solutions they're using.

So why are you bringing that the fuck up? But so, of course, in that he circles back around to the ultimate point that he feels like the real problem is that the entitlements in America disincentivize education. Because why would you bother getting educated if you could just live that sweet, sweet food stamp life? Oh, yes. Yeah. So, okay. So then we get this scene where, like, James and Evelyn are on the phone and they want to get together,

but, like, he's so busy doing right-wing stuff and she's so busy doing left-wing stuff that they just can't make it work. They can't make it work. But literally most of his, okay, he has got a, like a tea party rally to go to, but everything else is like, I can't, I'm watching my political TV shows. Like, I can't go on a date with you. I've got to watch. TV. And you're just like, why does anybody like this guy?

Who am I supposed to hate this week? He's like, I can't watch you at 1 p.m. That's when Rush Limbaugh is on. Okay. First of all, Rush Limbaugh is recorded. You can watch it whenever. You're on a laptop. You know that. Secondly, when Rush Limbaugh was on, if I'm not mistaken, he was out from like 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. or so ridiculously long, like, so you just reserve that four hour, fucking five hour block every goddamn day?

But I like 1 p.m. because that's when he's really warmed up. You know, you don't want the early rush and you don't want late rush. I assumed this was intentional because of course if we remember early on in the film when Quentin and James met, James said he didn't care that much about politics. So I assume him booking out these periods of time to watch political television is just a sign of his heavy radicalization. Yes, absolutely. He has joined this cult. Clearly that's what's going on because otherwise he's just an insane person.

Right. Yeah. So, okay, and now it's Christmas time, I guess, because that music is free, right? Sarah and Quentin are sitting around and she goes, oh, it's a beautiful Christmas tree. And he goes, oh, aren't you supposed to say holiday trees so that people aren't offended? And I'm like, fuck you, Quentin, my God, fucking, I hate, I hate Quentin. There's nothing bad that could happen. Can I say something? I hope that Quentin, there's nothing bad that could happen to Quentin that I wouldn't have enjoyed it in this movie. Yeah. If he had gotten fed and disliked. some kind of mulcher halfway. And the rest of the movie had just been him

screaming and begging for Sarah to kill him. And so she unstrings the guitar and she's trying to saw through his neck muscles. But she can't because she's too weak and she's crying too hard. I would have loved this movie. I would have loved every second of this movie. He's just such a villain. Everything he says and does is so villainous. But then at the end of the film, you're kind of like,

oh, I think he was meant to be a good guy. I don't know. I think so, yeah. And she's like, well, you know, like I'm not offended by Christmas tree, but what's wrong with being sensitive to people of other faiths? And he says, you know, what's wrong? She's like, what's wrong with keeping religion out of the public sphere? And he says, well, you know, Christianity is being crushed under the boot of secularism in America. And I'm like, is it, though?

Yeah. Now, luckily, he has just the George Washington speech for the occasion. the whole speech, right? Because we, look, so we have an atheist podcast, Emma, I'm sure. And so we talk about this, like, we hear dumb people say this quote occasionally, but they don't usually do the whole fucking speech. No, it's like when you realize that the band is going to do the long version, you know? Yes, exactly.

Yeah. Oh, God. But luckily Sarah has the reaction that we as the audience also have, and he's like, I get your point. Let's go have dinner. And quickly rushes the scene to a close. Time for us to leave. Yeah.

And then we cut to Glenn Beck weeping for his memory of America the beautiful. Fuck, yeah. So for those you who don't know, because they're talking about like, oh, it seems like everyone has a different trick these days. Like, first they were mad and now they cry. And fun fact, Glenn Beck actually stole the crying from the Mormons. This is a very famous thing that Mormons do during, like, testimony. Is Mormon men apparently like blubber and weep.

And so Glenn, who, I is a Mormon, was a Mormon? Yeah, is a Mormon? He certainly was. Yeah, he's just, he stole their bit. Yeah, exactly. Fun fact. But yeah, so, and then we have Maya and Evelyn talking about the left-wing version of this.

And now, like, you may think if you're listening along and watching this at home that, like, well, maybe the movie just has extremes on both sides. Why are we pinning only the right-wing shit on the filmmaker, not the left-wing shit? But it's very clear, like the right-wing shit always gets the last word. It always has a point, right? when it comes time to say the left wing thing, they're just like, also global warming is, you know, and that's it. Or abortion, woohoo. It's always represented as a female viewpoint, which is then talked over by a man. Yeah.

Right. Like it's just Maya and Sarah and they always bring it up with a question mark. They'll always be like, but isn't biodiesel fuel good? And then fucking communist right wing fascist Miss Frizzle has to kick down the door and be like, no, the poor people love their food. But okay, then later that night, Evelyn is watching a gorilla. This is the, I almost, definition thing in the whole film is this question of a silhouette of a gorilla. I'm like, why does she get to watch better movies than us, guys?

That's not fair. This is the clumsiest transition because she call, she, she, James calls her. He's like, what are you up to? She's like, I'm watching a movie about gorillas. And he's like, evolution is. He flips the buck out. She's like, yeah, I was watching this movie about apes, and they were talking about how they evolved.

And he's like, they did not. He says, and I quote, you know, not one transitional fossil has been found. But they're all transitional, man. Don't swear at me at my fun boat park. You have to say nice words. There's no swearing at my boat. You're too close to my boat to swear.

There's a 20 mile radius where no one's allowed to swear about my boat. So, yeah, he goes, there's no concrete evidence. And I'm like, dude, there's more concrete evidence of evolution than there is concrete. Fuck off. And then, okay. So then we cut to James, washing the dishes to more right wing propaganda. In his Homer Simpson pants. Yeah.

Yes. Just a wardrobe choice that I thought was in. interesting. Yeah, he stops to applaud the right-wing speech at the end. He claps. To his YouTube video that's talking about how too many people are on welfare. Jesus. It really is setting him up as like about to do some political violence.

Just like on his own, in his boxes going, yeah. Yeah. By himself. And then to really reinforce that, we get the scene where James, he catches up with Maya, right? Maya, the arch liberal. She's out on a walk because everybody in this movie is always out on a walk. He's like, hey, Maya. And she's like, hey, James.

And they shake hands. And then he's like, hey, I was just curious how you felt about health care reform. Three, two, one, go. Right. Yeah. And she's like, really? And he's like, I just wanted to know what the other side felt like, you know. And so she makes the case for universal health care.

And then it turns out that he didn't just want to see what the other side thought. He wanted to argue with her. So this is. look, from 2015 to 2016, I wasted too much of my time and health on people on Twitter going, I'm just curious. This is the movie version

of this. Is someone on Twitter going, I'm just curious. Can you explain to me how yeah, right? And then, like, he's literally at one point just yelling in her, he says, you know, the NHS, he says, is the largest government entity after China's

military and India's railway, which is both wrong and meaningless. What would that even... What's the point he's trying to make? Right. Big is bad? Big is bad.

And then he's like, he's like, and how can we taxes? How is it fair to fund health care with tax? How can we... You're telling me that you're going to tax people and then use that money to help people. And you're like,

that's what taxes fucking are. What are you're talking about? That's the whole, that's how we got roads. and all this shit. There's this fucking incredible accidental moment of humor where she just very calmly is explaining something. And then he goes, I'm not exaggerate. I'm back from the mic so I don't blow it out.

But he goes, you're so stubborn. He just is instantly screaming, you're so stubborn. All she is doing is responding to his question. Yes, and not agreeing with him right away when he yells a fucking piece of propaganda. All right. So then we cut to James and Quentin jogging. And this scene is amazing because the camera, they don't know what to do.

So the cameraman is just running like backwards while filming them. So they have to like jog super slow to be. I'm so sorry to argue with you know what, but it is actually dumber than that. Jogging backwards would actually be a step up from what they do, which is that he stands there. They jog to him. They cut.

And then he runs back and starts filming again. So there's a cut every two sentences because you're Well, and then they have to start running slow because he's like, guys, I can't keep running back every few seconds. I'm going to throw up. I ain't that pepperoni pizza. You have to stop. But story-wise, it's also insane because they cut from this scene where the, you know, the liberal and the conservative are talking about health care

to two different characters carrying on the same conversation about health care. And you're just like, what? Yeah. Is it the same day? Did they just like teleport Maya out and Quentin in to just talk about it? Like just. Yeah. Well, and so and very clearly what's happening here is the director's going like, well, you know,

I let her make some really good points about healthcare. I really need another scene where somebody knocks those the fuck down. Right. Yeah. So Quentin is now explaining to James why everything that she said is a bunch of horse shit. And then he explains that American health care is actually the, best. It's just like phones. You know, your phone might be made in China, but all the technology for your phone is made in America. Yeah, it's designed with American hearts and freedom. There's a

bald eagle on every microchip. I don't know if you know this. Yeah, yeah. It's exactly like the Trump Bibles that were made in and shipped from China. It's the same thing. It's the heart was created in America. Exactly. Exactly. And then Jesus was created in America. And so, and then you want to talk about how random it was that we're suddenly jogging with Quentin and James. Now, Sarah and Quentin are jogging together, right? In a different scene that they don't establish first. And wouldn't you know it? They happen to jog by a guy getting ready to set an American flag on fire.

Is he, I have the most important question I've ever asked or will ever ask. Please ask. Is he pouring antifreeze? No, it's windshield wiper fluid. It's windshield wiper fluid, I'm pretty sure. It's windshield wiper fluid. And it's like bright blue. So they could have just put water in a bottle and it would have been better.

They could have put water in a gasoline can or something. Oh, my God. But no, he's got a fucking bottle of windshield wiper fluid that he's dumping onto an American flag. While he mutters to himself out loud, like, oh, this country is odd. I'm going to set this on fire because I hate this country. Razzam, lack of patriotism. Razz and present. And then him and Quentin.

fight over the American flag. It's the best fight. Podcast listener, I spend most of my life trying to make people laugh and I will never do anything as funny as

these two motherfuckers attempting a fight. It's a care bear tickle fight is what it is. In slow motion. In slow motion. So you get to see every fake shove and gentle

tap. Yes. Sarah standing in the middle and she's like, stop. Or at least do a better job once you start again, God. But Sarah's dialogue is doubled because the fight was so brief that they didn't have enough audio for the slow-mo. So you hear her being like, no, stop, no, stop twice. Stop, no. The character in the back of like a 1997 video game or something, yeah.

And then he, but ultimately, Quentin knocks the shit out of the dude. And he goes, this is my country. This isn't Pakistan. And he takes the flag. He said exact quote, you can't just burn the red, white, and blue like that. Yes. You know, like they do in Pakistan all the time. Like you do in Pakistan.

Yeah, right, right. So, and then James goes to confront Florida professor. Turns out that she gave him a C on his gouse paper. And he's like, look, I did not eat that much pussy to get a fucking C on my paper. She's like, that's like, that's exactly how much pussy you ate. You ate a C's worth of pussy. And for some reason, the language in this scene degenerates by like 50. Whatever friend was helping him write this movie stopped for this scene because it becomes like scammer trying to tell you there from Verizon levels of bad.

Yeah. So, yeah, he, he yells at her and because he mostly just yells at people. This is one of the moments where we get the crazy, I don't know how to do that. Yes. Right? She starts talking to him as though she's atop of the mountain or whatever. Yeah. And then, okay, so, Mima, do you guys remember the doctor with the Marie Curie picture? No. No, obviously not. But a smoker is coming to see her. It's the professor. It's the professor. It is, but he's got a different voice now. So he's like playing a different character. How do you do? Yes. He's talking like this because he's supposed to be a cigarette smoker.

And so, like, it's honestly, it's like Eli surprised this guy with an accent in a sketch, right? And then without any kind of examination, she's like, oh, you're coughing, you'll need this antibiotic. And I'm like, oh, really? Is that how it works? And then she goes, do you spoke? And he's like, yes. And she goes, try to stop. And he's like, all right.

Well, but we have to establish the right, that if you're sick, it's your own damn fault. Right. That's what the scene is here to say. It's like, this guy has a bad cough. But it's because he's a cigarette smoker. And then she explains, hey, if you just took all that money you were spending on cigarettes and stopped spending on cigarettes, you could afford health insurance. That is such simplistic bullshit. She might as well accuse him of killing avocado toast at the same time.

So I actually just checked on this shit. So pre-Oabomacare would have cost this guy about $5,500 a year for health insurance. That would have been with about a $3,500 deductible. So shit health insurance. And it wouldn't have covered his lung issues because that would have. been a pre-existing condition. So what a load of fucking shit. Well, maybe he was smoking 20 to 28 packs of cigarettes today. I didn't think of that. Yeah. So okay. So then we cut to Quentin on the phone. And another great filmmaking moment. So he's had this Thomas Jefferson quote in the background

the whole time, right, whenever we see the hotel room as Quentin's room. So now we're going to zoom out from it. Right. We're going to zoom like really close and see it. And then we're going to zoom out. But he doesn't know how to zoom out like that with the camera that he has. So we actually have to cut from one shot where you're zoomed in and can read it. And then we cut to a different shot where it's all blurry and he can zoom out from it. Yeah. Well, it's tough to get the fingies on the W and the T buttons. No, it is.

He's no Christopher Nolan. Yeah. No, he is not. He also just like this conversation cuts Quentin off mid-sentence. So we have no idea what he's talking about on the phone. No. Because we just get like, oh, and then it cuts to James walking along and you're like, But why?

Yeah. What's he talking about on the phone? It must be important or it wouldn't be in the film, would it? Right. And he says twice, he's like, you know, and I just told him that the House and Senate are two different bodies. But that's all the line he had and the fucking guy wouldn't say cut. So he has to say that like three different times.

But the point is James walks in and he's like, oh, man, I need to talk to you. I've been fucking the professor and that's not working out great for me. He says the most so true to life. way college bro's talk line. He goes, it just got so turbulent. Yes, right, right, yeah. And then, and Quentin goes like,

that's what's wrong with our society. And I'm like, oh, my God, dude, just fuck off. Professors screwing students, doctor screwing their patients. You're like, huh? What was that last? Yeah, what? We didn't write that scene.

The actor said, no. So, yeah, so, and he goes, he tells James that he needs to ask God for forgiveness. for fucking the professor. And then we get Evelyn getting a call from her mom. Now, because this guy is such a bad filmmaker, what we're actually filming is this girl is on her phone and we've got somebody on the phone delivering other lines

and we're just getting the audio that he's picking up from that phone. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we have no goddamn idea what's going on. So I did manage to pass some of this. Okay. And it turns out that her mom, Evelyn's mom, is divorcing her dad.

I think because he's an addict, I only guess that because Evelyn says, why don't you try AA or rehab? Yeah. And a mom is like, no, we're getting divorced by. Right. No, I just say, I pieced that together in retrospect,

but I had no idea in this fucking scene. But it's bad news, according to the public domain piano music, and Evelyn is very sad in her car. So then, okay, so then we cut to Sarah. She's learning more guitar from Quentin. she's learning the same guitar the same couple of notes

which is a chord from from Quentin but she's good now she's good now so she's she thanks him for teaching him and she wants to thank him in a special way

which she demonstrates so she's supposed to try to fuck him here but she kisses Quentin the way I would kiss Quentin like if the life of my son depended on it and they were like

you gotta try to fuck Quentin I would do what Sarah does in this scene she's like come here pal Yeah, the first she gets is kissing the side of his cheek and he's like, I'm saving myself for marriage. You're like, you're saving cheek kisses for marriage? Exactly right.

No, I don't want to know all about the cheek kissing before marriage. And then so she's like, I'll go back to, and now we should point out to that the song that they've chosen to demonstrate that she's gotten good at guitar is the fucking song they play at the ballpark when the bases are loaded, right? That's the fucking song. This is where he explains that he's going to go to the Creation Museum. And I'm like, oh, I'll see you there, man.

I hope no one swears within 20 to 30 miles. That would be a real bridge of decorum. So, okay. So then we cut to James. He's driving to school in the morning, listening to the Bible on CD from the beginning. But it's the fucking abridged version. You know when you buy a book on Audible

and you accidentally bought the abridged version where they're like, crime and punishment. So there's this guy. kills a lady or a Jew. I don't fucking know. He's listening to that verse. Like, I got a call and get my audible credit back.

So I wanted the full Bible. I got the, I got fucking Robert Evans' kid stays in the picture version of the Bible. Yeah. And he's just, he's just listening to this audio tape and we're just watching him listen. And then it just cuts straight to the boys jogging again. Yes.

I assume he was driving to the jog. I'm just trying to piece something together out of it. of this. Yeah, and the jog is, there's no reason for us to be there. He goes, hey, you know those Chilean minors that got saved? That was by American technology because America, America. Also, they're trying to pay for abortions with that Obamacare. End of a scene.

Yeah. Abortion, immigrants, jogging, scene done. But now it's time for Evelyn's suicide attempts, plural. Oh, she's going to take too many Thailand on you guys. Okay. So she doesn't. are almost suicide attempts, which is great. We watch her go through a series of funnier and funnier, almost suicide attempts.

Noah and Emma, I want you to tell everyone if I am lying. First, she pours, I'm going to say nine Tylenol into her hands. And it's so clearly a title, but she's holding a bottle like this and she's got like her hand like this the whole time. And we keep showing this side of it and everything. Yeah, it's an is Tylenol bottle. Yeah. Right, right.

And I'm just like, why does nobody have a prescription for literally anything? in this movie? No, because the side effects. Their parents are compassionate instead. Yeah, exactly. They might get diarrhea or pregnant or die. Yeah. She pours nine Tylenol in her hand.

By the way, this is infinitely long podcast. I'm not going to do it with the... It's nine minutes of her going like, bloop, blit, but pours nine Tylenol bottles in her hand. Then she reaches into her drawer. The guy who made this movie does not know that a stitch ripper is not a scalpel. So she then lays in the bathtub and considers slitting her wrists with a stitch ripper.

Just the Chinese baby craft guy. I was like, girl, do it. I want to just, she's not getting through the skin. Ow. Ow. Oh, God, it was fucking hilarious. And the whole time the movie's taking it real serious. Except for the music.

The music is like SpongeBob music. It's really like joyful. It's literally, you go to a guitar center and you press play on one of the electronic keyboards next to the salsa button and it's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. But it's just then when she starts thinking about Marie Curie and that JFK poster that inspires her.

And we actually cut in like little shots of the, you know, this is why we choose to go to the moon, speech. It's the moon speech. Of all the stuff for him to say, it was this is the why we choose to do it, not because it is easy. And I'm like, well, that would be why you would slit your wrist with a fucking stitch rip right. Yeah, it would be done. And try to kill yourself with Thailand and all.

Those are fucking challenging. There are moonshots of suicide attempts, absolutely. I think genuinely JFK would not have made that speech if he knew it was going to be used in this day. I think it would have been like, never mind. Yeah, but yeah. had my brother kill Marilyn Monroe. But then... But this is the worst thing I've ever done.

But then we have that awkward, like, she's decided not to kill herself, so she has to get up from her fully dressed, sitting in the tub moment and go, well then. And the music, of course, thinks that she's just decided to become a pimp for a living. It sounds like the music from... This is very specific,

but it sounds like the music from the game, like Barbie Secret Agent. You're like make your blonde Barbie girl is about to become a secret moon agent because she's been so inspired by this street. Because she's not going to kill her. Just like in Barbie secret remember at the beginning of Barbie secret agent

where she's lying in the tub considering slitting her wrists? Exactly, exactly. But then she remembers the words of John O'Ked. I'm so sad that we have to go through the next few scenes so quickly because we're running out of time here. But because we have, like we got the scene where Sarah is going to learn yoga from Krishna.

Breathe. Stop breathing. Breathe. Stop breathing. Stop breathing. Stop breathing. Breathe. Stop breathe. Breathe more. Yeah. So she's like, I want to learn yoga. You're brown. You know how to do that, right? And he goes, yeah, I sure do. And then, like, he Googles it real quick and he teaches her, but he doesn't know. Yeah, no, he's being creepy so that he can touch her legs because the first thing he does when they meet up for yoga is grab her legs and try and spread them. Even to the point where the dialogue is like her being like, can you tell me instead of touching me from now,

on? Yes. Like, was that real? Was that meant to be in the film? 100% real. Absolutely. The actress was like, stop touching me.

And he's like, oh, okay. Breathe. Stop breathing. Breathe. Stop breathing. So, okay. So, and then we got Quentin

and Kreschena meeting up at a bar. He explains that Evelyn broke up with James off screen. Yeah. And she's upset because her parents are getting divorced. And I'm like, ooh, parents are getting divorced.

That's what it was. Sure. It's all coming together. And now it's time for. a rape. Oh my God. Yeah. So we get some horror movie music and we get Sarah leaving her house and she's jogging off. And of course, like I feel like she's jogging off to murder Quentin at this point just based on the music. But no, she's being followed by the flag burner. Flag burner. And we were like, oh, these idiot, all of us in our notes were like, oh,

these idiots don't know that we can tell this is the same actor. Oh, no. It's the same character. It's meant to be. Yeah. When she gets into it. His car, which he shouldn't, but when she gets into his car, he's like, I don't know if you remember me. I'm the flag burner and your boyfriend punched me in the head. Yeah. And so we have a long moment where she's trying to escape and he's chasing her and everything because this movie really wants to draw out the rape scene. It's genuinely harrowing. It is actually genuinely off.

The only thing in this movie that ever actually hits, yeah. What's very funny is that he chases her and he grabs her and then it blacks out. And it is very clearly because Sarah, the actress fucking like. like power bomb. And they were, well, I think, I think we have the like 10 seconds where you grabbed her before she. We'll have to put it in really slow motion.

Broke your spine like Bain. Yeah. So, but then, so then we cut to like her inner bed recovering from a rape. Yeah. And like Evelyn and Maya are there, like trying to comfort her. Because this movie was like,

we need a rape right around now. Maya tells her that there should be, someone to go to like, exact quote, human resources. That's who she should report her rectum. I'd like to file a complaint. Oh, Jesus. Carol, I know you're dealing with the birthday card right now, but I was great. And because, you know, the only reason that anything happens to women in this film is so that a man can do something. She only wants Quentin. She just wants Quentin, her psychopath boyfriend, who immediately shows up and is like, oh, I hate this guy.

I'm going to kill this guy. and then phones the flag guy. No. So he's got... Emma, it's worse than that. The flag guy calls him. Yeah. Does he?

I thought Quentin dialed. No. I'm going to need to rewatch it. No, Emma, that's worse. It is worse. You were in the depths of despair. And your brain was like, it's okay, Emma, I'll save you.

I'll make up a slightly less insane situation. He's like, you bastard. I'll kill you when I, find you and then that's that scene. And then a title card pops up and it says after two months so briefly that it feels like they were renting that title card by the microsecond. Yeah, I literally had to rewind that like three times to see what it said. I literally blinked and missed it.

No, it's almost subliminal. But Quentin is he's apologizing that she got raped for him beating up the flag burner guy, whose name is Caesar, by the way. Somehow he knows that now. Because they're bros. Why else do they have each other's phone numbers? Yeah, they made up in the two months. They actually got over.

And by the way, he's only saying, I'm sorry because he's like, I'm sorry, but it's been two months since you've been raised. You need to move on with your life. Yeah. We're already on a new season. Like, we're on baseball season now. Come on. Right.

Yeah. So she goes to the bathroom and she holds her belly, which is movie for being pregnant. Maybe for pregnant. You know. Are you ever worried that you might ask? accidentally touch your stomach and become pregnant, Emma? Like, you can just like accidentally. Yeah, yeah, I don't go anywhere near there.

That's why I do the hover hand, like just. Yeah, you got to hover here. I just, I would worry, like, you bump into a friend and you accidentally touch your stomach and then, boom. And then everyone's, oh, it's the worst. So, yeah. So then she returns back, or so she's like, you know, I need to go to the health center to get checked out.

And we're like, oh, she's going to meet Dr. Hicks. And we're going to tie Dr. Hicks into the story. No, no, no. Immediately, she walks up the door and immediately walks back into the point where we think she's forgotten her keys. Right, but no, that's just bad editing. She's left and comes back

and she tells him that she's pregnant. Right. Yeah. He goes, there's no way. And I'm like, well, there's some way. It's obviously a way. It's like, it boils my blood, not to be like the woman on the podcast kind of thing,

but it does boil my blood a little bit that like the two main women are in this film to be like, has an affair with the main guy, I guess the three main ones, like have an affair with the main guy, have a failed suicide attempt, and to be raped and impregnated. None of them do anything with any agency or purpose. Even this is like, okay, the important thing about this, the fact that she's been impregnated by her rapist is how Quentin feels about it.

Yes. Because we know the Quentin is anti-abortion and you're like, oh. Yeah. And the only woman with any woman with any woman. agency in the movie, Maya gets yelled at by a man for having an opinion and then disappears and never shows up. Yep. Yeah.

So, yeah, but she comes back. She tells him she's pregnant. She's brought the ultrasound. The kid is shaving, right, in this ultrasound, right? Yeah. It's two months later. He's a late. It's me waving through the ultrasound.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So, okay, but now we got Quentin and Sarah. They're out going for a drive. And this is where Quentin explains that he thinks that, quote, they should keep the baby. they, you know, because of how anti-abortion he is. Yeah. That's okay.

It's set to very somber honky-tong music. Yes. But he says it's because on the ultrasound, I saw a human face. And I'm just like, yeah, but that's wrong, though. Like, it should be like a little dot that you can barely identify it two months. They must have given you the wrong scans or something. Because that's not a good reason. That's just a Polaroid of Caesar.

Yeah. And then she's like, you know, she's like, I strongly disagree. and I'm like, well, yours is the only opinion that matters in this instance. So I guess this conversation is over. But no, he starts going on about how we shouldn't punish an innocent child. And my favorite part is he says, I don't change my convictions for like any reason or whatever. And he takes his glasses off to do it like he's in CSI, Miami's like, I don't change my convictions. Sorry, girlfriend who was raped.

Who cares? I'm a man with opinions. Right. Absolutely. I'm a rush limbaugh, viewer, damn it. And then she like, she's like, well, you know what? Fuck you. And she goes to leave. But because this, every scene in this movie has to be insane, she walks to a hiking trail.

Swanders off into the woods. And she's still, she's still wearing heels that are way too high. So she's still stumbling around and high heels up the trail. Fucking trail. And I know what you're thinking, listener, you're like, how the fuck is this going to resolve within the time that's left in this pocket? That's it. It's over.

It's over. It's over. The end. That's the end. Part one is over now. It literally, it ends on a big sigh. It ends on Quentin being like, and then like a PowerPoint presentation title card. And you're like, I hate when women disagree with me. Well, that was fucking awful. And I'm sorry we put you through it, Emma. I genuinely am. That's okay. I think it was so bad that I went hysterical and kind of had a good time. It kind of loops back around. It's funny because at the same time, I'm really sorry that we put you through that. And I'm also really sorry that there's not a part two we can also put you through. But a quick reminder, while we've got you here, where should our listeners go if they'd like to hear and see more from you? You can go to Emmethorne videos on YouTube. If you just type in Emmethorn, you'll see my face.

And that's me. Awesome. And you can also check the show notes. We'll have all our stuff linked there as well. And while that's going to do it for our review of Clash in the college, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet. because we still need to fail to learn from our mistakes again. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck? A Mormon missionary returns home after two years and learns his girlfriend is engaged and his job is gone.

We'll be kicking off our Mormon Movie Month with the RM. Oh, Mormon Movie Month again! All right, so with Mormon Movie Month to look forward to, we're going to being episode 567 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Emma Thorne for all her help today. And a quick reminder, check the show notes for links to more of her. stuff and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help makes this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godolphin there by your early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scaling athias, Citation needed D&D minus, and this chapter crowd available, available podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can get in old gotofun movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of the movie on Mars.

all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week. For Heath Enright, Neilie Bosnia, I'm no Lucian. I'm no Lucian's promise to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Quentin went on to lead his cult into a violent altercation with law enforcement. He is now publishing his manifesto on Substack from his prison cell.

Donald Trump pardoned him, actually. There is no part two to this movie, but there is a prequel by the same guy called Hitler's Girl girl, so we're going to watch that. Damn it. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-24945 or on their website at creator accountability network.org.

This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.