God Awful Movies - 570: The End of Men - Live From DC

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

This week, we tackle Tucker Carlson's caterwauling about the fact that he can never find enough testosterone when he needs it. And we do it live from our Nation's capitol.If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

And the funniest thing about it, and please, watch the fucking video if you don't believe me on this. The whole montage of people are like, wow, everything that he's saying here seems very fascist and gay. Everybody's like, wow, that's gay, wow, that's fascist, well, that's fascist, well, that's gay. And then he comes out and he goes, I'm not fascist. Two, three, four, gay. That's the cadence of what actually happened. Just like, that's so good. God Awful movies.

The movies live from Washington, D.C. Thank you. Thank you. We've got an audience full of people taking a minute off of all the vandalism that Antifa's had them doing. This is, of course, the show. Each week we sample another selection

from Christian cinema, because that's where our legislation comes from these days. nice to get a sneak peek but I'm not alone please welcome to the stage my good friend Heath Enright D.C. Nice

I like I saw a few of you being like you know giving signals like we're ready to do what any kind of like storming wherever you guys want to know and also joining us tonight

please put your hands together for my bad friend Eli ladies and gentlemen listening at home Eli is I'm just going to say Eli is star spangled That's about all the spangling we can take

True story closest you're going to get To feeling proud of America Okay All right That is the only way this crowd was doing a USA champ Yeah right Eli's dancing balls

That was the only way To get patriotism like that out of this crew Lucinda Lucinda is so disappointed because Lucinda bought for Eli a George Washington wig for his costume

and he said if he didn't have the matching Merkin he was not going to wear it so this is what you got instead Lucinda who is here by the way true story she almost wasn't because she accidentally brought a hammer with her through airport security

somebody a listener had given it to us it's like hey it's a varmin hammer and we're like oh that's very cute and she forgot it was her bag. And interestingly enough, they looked at her, they looked at the hammer, they're like, eh, you're fine.

Where are you going, D.C.? That's cool. Get that reflecting pool liner. So, all right. So tell us, Heath. Good feeling. Get that, not a federal crime. Yeah, right, right.

Take me a second. I got there. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the end of men. Sure did. Yeah. It's the story of making men great again using mostly

testicle tanning, hitting the gym, of course, and drinking way too many raw eggs. Yeah. It's don't skip Egg Day. The science documentary. Buy

presidential candidates. Tucker fucking Carlson. Spoilers! This piece of shit is running for Preston. Not yet. Not officially yet. Not official yet, but I think he's going to try. Yeah, so welcome to the first ever

god-awful movies. Tuck Your Face Edition. There you go. There you go. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love being cornered by the roided up guy at Planet Fitness, but you wish he was joined by the white supremacist movement

that's overtaken our country. And to be clear, he is. He is, he is, yep. You will love this movie. Oh, God. I do not want to know the person who loved this movie. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best, at being the worst hat?

Yeah, I'm going to go with Best Worst Narrator. Sure. It's Tucker Carlson. Yep. And in particular, it's the contrast from like a muscled up Jimbrough talking about his reps

and his whatever the fuck words for gym weights, muscle. I don't fucking know. But then Tucker comes in, it's like, oh, you know, lift the thing, and then he's like, well, actually, the chemistry of the fucking, the testicles are crying up. The destruction of manhood.

Yeah, right. It's like, you know when there's a documentary about a serial killer and they cut to the person who obviously escaped but didn't like, escape, escape. That's how destruction of manhood feels when they cut to Tucker Carlson. The movie wants to

beat up the narrator. Yes. Yes. I've never experienced exactly that in a movie before. It's so much fun watching Tucker constantly come out and go, and we need to be more manly, you know? Okay, so I lost a fight to a demon dog. I was going to go with best, worst, ball tanning

bait and switch, okay? So we're not going to do the same bullshit that Tucker Carlson advertised this whole thing is, oh, we're going to do a documentary about tanning your balls to be more manly. And we're like, fuck yeah we are and we get there's like two minutes of testicle tanning in the movie it comes and it

goes it's absolutely nothing so don't get too excited about the ball tanning here and the ball tanning guy's kind of a bitch about it he is yeah he's like whatever I tan my balls that would be like if I ran out in that outfit and I was like relax we're here to talk about ideas

and speaking of my body I'm going to go with best, worst, physically fit men. Now, look, you just all saw that I am slowly turning into that senator who turns into a pile of goo at the end of the X-Men movie. But I would still rather have my body than any of these bright red cum-guttersporting young men. Look, quick poll of the ladies and or male-attracted humans in the room.

Does anyone want to fuck these human wardrobes? No, right? It can't be fun even a little. Like, you can buy furniture and then leave it out on the curb afterwards all covering your juices. There's no way... And J.D. you'll come for it in a minute.

Yeah, right. He'll be around for it. Yeah. All right, well, I'll tell you way. We have made Heathway way too long for this one. So we're going to keep the break brief. When we come back, we'll dive into all the home. more erotic homophobia that is the end of men.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, podcast listener, and also the audience who is here? Don't answer. If there's one thing we know about every single person in this movie,

it is that they are in desperate need of mental health care. That's right, Eli. Even like just the background extras and the stock footage models probably need some support just for having been featured in it. And if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, consider online therapy with BetterHelp.

BetterHelp makes it easy to get started. Answer a few questions, get matched with a therapist based on your needs, and switch therapists at any time if it's not the right fit. See the reviews, see what stands out, and see if better help is right for you. Visit BetterHelp.com slash awful. That's better-H-E-L-P-com slash awful. Better help, because you might not need the same amount of help as the people in this movie. But you may need some.

All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever writer's room, meaning, for the end of men. Oh, goodness, that's a lot more writers in the room than we were expecting. Was that our site? So anyway, so this is a movie all about how chemicals are ruining men and making us fat. And if we want to look amazing and masculine, we need to change all that. Right, but you're Tucker Carlson. You look like if premature ejaculation was a guy.

Yes, I do. But don't worry about that. I found some white supremacist personal trainers and they're going to talk about their diets. Okay. Well, that's not terrible. It's a good way we want to bring new faces

into the movement, right? Big tent. We're not allowed to use their faces. Oh. So wait. The people who are going to be lecturing our audience about manliness and bravery and the way they should live their lives,

lives are too afraid to show their faces in our movie? Only, only, only, only most of them. Got it. You look like a little rascal who went through the magazine from a clockwork orange. All right, we've already done, we've already done. I didn't get to do one yet. He got to do one. I did get to do one.

Everybody hates you. So we're going to open up on, actually we're going to open up fucking stealing Lucinda's bit, which she is not okay with. We open up on a stupid warning. Your warnings are stupid. Yours are awesome. Wow. But theirs are stupid.

I guess we're going to have to divorce. Right? Warning. So here's this warning. It goes like this. Warning, this program contains toxic masculinity, high levels of testosterone,

bro science, and testicle tanning. Which may be triggering to some viewers. Like that guy. Discretion is advice. Yeah, a lot of perfectly normal guys open up conversation

by telling you about their excess of testosterone. Imagine someone giving you that warning before anything. Before anything that happens. I think there are plenty of people who would love that morning. Yeah, right.

Oh my God. Getting trapped at a dinner party with this house and he goes, warning, I'm a bro scientist. You'd be like, oh my God, thank you so much. Kill yourself. You should do it.

I know sometimes late at night, you think about it and you should. You're wrong. The suicide hotline, they're just paid to say that. They're liars. You should. They fire them if they tell you to do it,

but I want you to know they want you to do it. They talk about it in the break room. I was. They're all standing around the K-cup machine going, I should have said it. They don't pay us that much. We're volunteers, after all. Yeah.

So, and I should point out, I did, because when I read the warning to you, you probably assumed that there was an Oxford comma there. There's not. Fuck that guy. Fuck that fucking guy. Fucking Hitler. Absolutely. Also, nothing with Tucker Carlson and it has high levels of testosterone.

I don't give a shit. If there's just a pile of testosterone on the table, he zeroes it out. But yes, Tucker, if you're listening, by all means, give yourself aggressive bulk cancer. That does trigger us. No, don't, Tucker, don't jump testicles first into the briar pad. Yeah. Don't. Oh, he did it. A lot of this movie is people being like, I do this dangerous, stupid thing in us,

being like, oh, please proceed, governor. Yeah, right, right. Testicles first into the radiation gun. Oh. So then we get this archival JFCK footage, which is not okay.

I don't know what this is doing there, right? Because, like, they hate him, and we're not listening to this bullshit, right? So why is it there? Actually, we'll get to that in a second. Oh, Tucker Carlson and JFK. Is that where JFK says he hates fat kids? No, we'll get to that.

Not quite, not quite. Oh, we're not there, yeah. Yeah. I was just thinking of Tucker and JFK just manifesting something. Okay, yeah, yeah, wait. I think we need to give Heath a minute. Just dumb bullshit.

This is basically the premise of the movie, right? They give us this dumb bullshit. You've heard it before. In ages past, a cycle began. Here's the cycle. Hard times make strong men. Yes, I know. I know.

Strong men make good times. Good times make weak men. Weak men make hard times. I like this. Inrections are not what we were. talking about. I like this because they're opening with the quote from the thing that your friend from your hometown

posts when the high school girl he's dating breaks up with him for being 40. Yep. Right? And oh, by the way, when they say the weak men, they show the image of Joe Biden tripping on his way up the steps to Air Force One. I'm like, man, it's a good thing your guy

is so good at stairs, right? Yeah. My God. At least he's not hiding in a fucking catering cart. just calling like, hey Donald, we're going to make fun of Biden on the stairs. So just, you know,

don't have any trouble with stairs. You still there? Are you okay? Yeah, guys, we were, by the way. Just make sure you don't have toilet paper on your shoe when you get back off of Air Force. Tell my daughter I love her. So, guys, if we could have set it up,

In time, we totally would have wheeled Eli out in a catering cart. That was the plan. Okay. When I heard that story, I laughed so fucking hard just because of the story. I'm a little hurt. You got it? I'm a little hurt, and if they watch me wake up, they won't have a good time. Did you commit?

So I'm going to get up. No, don't help me. No, it's sadder now. It's sadder if you help. I'm here. I'm just really trying to do it. I'm going to do a kip-up. They can't even see you.

Oh, he just did a kip-up. Back here behind the table. Oh, man. You wouldn't think a guy that size could do a kip-up, said an audience member, but he did. He got really quiet for the rest of the show, but it wasn't because all the blood rush to his head,

and he was really, really nauseous. It was because of the cool kip-up he did, and there was a hot person fucking him. from Canada. You don't know them. Sorry, if you were desperately trying to do a bit about the catering cart. Oh, come on. I set you up like three times.

How fun is it just to picture Donald Trump getting stuffed into a fucking catering cart? That's why I keep bringing it up. Terrible. He was like grabbing the sides like a cat who doesn't want to go into the carrier. And Sarah's doing it, right? She's poking him. Get in there. Let go of it.

Cair it. Safe word. Safe word. We have to do it. Safe word. Stop just saying safe word. You have to say it to safe word. Why is Malala in already in there? Why don't we each get our own car? I don't want to be in hers.

She smells like bone whitening agents. It's true. I do smell like a bone whitening agent. Sometimes if they need to bleach her something, I just spit on it. And then it goes away. because of the curse still had to be there.

Boy, yoy, yoy, yoy. So, okay. So, and this is also, this is the part where we see a part of this archival JFK footage is in fact, JFCC is saying, and I quote, there is nothing more unfortunate than to have soft, chubby, fat-looking children.

Oh, what about a double-crossed? the mob so bad they splatter your head all over your white's dress. That seems worse to me, right, than a kid who likes sugary cereals? Yeah. Also, by the way, when they say fat kids, they're showing like some stock footage of like a bunch of fish dead in a bay somewhere and a bunch of pollution. No fucking clue. I guess that's where the fat kids come from.

They were eaten. I bet they abroached a bunch of people at the beach and they were like, hey, can we use your kid for the stock footage of fat kid at the beach? and they were like, can I drown you here on this beach? And they were like, fair. We'll use dead fish. We'll use dead fish. RFC was around.

He's always got dead animals around him. That's what we said. We see a clip of RFK warning us about the dangers of man tits at this point. And he says, and I quote, well, I can't do the voice, but... He says, and I quote, we're headed towards a calamity,

and that's not hyperbole. And I'm like, yes, the fuck it is. It's a lie. definition of hyperbole. Okay, if he dies of measles, I will become a Christian that day. If he seriously dies of measles, how bad do you want him? However he dies, it's going to be funny.

Yeah, no, that's true. He's quoting this 50% lower sperm count stat here, which seems real, but that's because in the 1960s, we counted sperm by sticking your pinky in the sample and being like, yeah, I reckon that's 12. So yeah. What do you think? 12? Yeah, about 12.

Okay, 12. And now we use a fucking microscope. Right, right, yeah, yeah. To be clear, there is some indication that sperm counts are down. It's entirely explainable by increases in obesity and smoking and bad diets and shit like that. It is not down by 50 fucking percent, which is the number they're going to keep using in this movie.

And as near as we can tell at this point, there's no bad effect. I mean, like, there's plenty of bad effects from our diets and being overweight. but there's no, like, there's no fucking problem with having less sperm. You know what the problem is? What's that? If you're secretly gay and you hate fucking your wife and having to do it a second time

would be the worst thing that could ever happen. Okay. All right. Oh, God, you're saying I've got to do this again? Okay, so we have to talk about... Fuck, Meredith, you were supposed to get pregnant the first time. I'm going to throw up. Oh, I'm going to throw up.

So we have to talk about the homo eroticism of the imagery here, right? Because this is the part where they present the bull. ball tanning, right? And then we have this montage of manly stuff, which is mostly just shirtless guys chopping wood and men rolling around on mats with one another. And I'm like, okay, okay. Yeah, no, Lucinda walked in,

and she's like, gay porn, and I'm like, I wish. Sadly, no. It's fucking, but they introduced the ball tanning briefly here, and they introduce it with this doctor. There's this doctor that they're talking to, and he goes, and somebody from off camera goes, so would you recommend that men tan their balls? And the doctor with perfect common timing goes,

like what? And then I don't think he appears in the movie. No, and we never see him again. Which means there's cut footage somewhere of them being like, okay, second question, and being like, no, no, I have a hypodermic needle and you will let me out of this room. I think that doctor comes back at the end,

so the 25 minutes of movie in between, is them being like, we'll pay you money. Please, come on. Alan, come out of the bathroom, buddy. You're going to ask me about ball tanning. We also, we introduced the ball dating. I should point out with the intro to also Sprock Sarathustra. Right?

Inspired by the goddess dead guy. Yes, yes. Writing the goddess dead book, yeah. I think if watching this movie Nietzsche would agree that God is dead. Yeah, right, right. Because immediately after that, we see a naked man standing outside with his ball shoved up against a fucking UV light source. Tanning booth, yeah.

Yeah. With his arms out like this? Like he's calling forth his ball legions or something? Nietzsche's watching from hell and he's like, I really want to take back the whole Uber Mensch thing. That was really... Kind of set up the Nazis there a little bit. Not so much.

Look, I just wanted there to be less Jews. And that's on me. So, okay. So then we get our title, The End of Men, and Tucker kind of bumbles his way in to narrate. And his opening is, he's like, he's quoting somebody, I don't remember who, but he's like, basically the quote boils down to like,

civilization is like fucking a lady, which I do. I've had sex with that lady. I have sexed ladies. I throw up when I do it. Civilization. I have a wife and everything. They show the Statue of Liberty for a second there, too. And honestly, I was expecting, like,

okay, they're going to cut to the Statue of Liberty getting like, railed? Either railed by Tucker Carlson or getting like a labia tin? With like... Maybe they were going to be famisted about it. I don't know, like with like a Gwyneth Paltrow device or something.

It probably has a laser that does that. We don't know if they're saying. Superman that hole. So he powers up in the adult version, yeah. If you get that joke, you're mentally ill because that giant died. Yeah. They didn't have to kill it.

Did you ever think about that? You ever walk around as an adult and be like, they could have just made a happy movie about a robot? Right? Sure, you could have, wow. And not scarters. So at this point, they talk about, Tucker talks about how C.S. Lewis warned of a day

with, quote, men without chests. And then we see some mobs. And also, like, we really shit out. We start shitting on gamer nerds, which is a bit of a theme of this. film, and I'm like, man, Tucker, do you want to risk alienating those guys?

Because, uh, seems like a... So, we make fun of gamer nerds, and we show, like, the opposite of a gamer nerd, you know, a real manly man. Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt! It was just like this asthmatic kid

that couldn't do shit when he was young and then grew up and spent his entire adult life playing cowboy. That's your manly man? Yeah. Yeah. His name inspired the original Squishman. Yes, yes. That's adorable, but it's not like... The thing they're going.

He had a heart attack when he was 60 and died? I feel like Teddy Roosevelt snuck into manliness the way Rami Mellick snuck into hot. Right? Which is like, we're all like, oh yeah, no, he's in there. And then you look at him and you're like, why?

He looks like one of those deep sea fishes made it to the surface. Yes. And look, he should live and be well. Why? It feels like a category error. Teddy Roosevelt's the same shape as me. Rami Meleck looks like he's never had any food ever.

Except for eye food, which makes your eyes bigger. They had him play a bond villain just for looking weird. They were like, here's the villain. Look at him. Fuck. This is also where we get our first introduction to the term spermageddon, which they deliver with a straight

fucking face. They're like, we're facing a spermagetan. I can't even do it. Spermageddon is the name of my Christian Rapture porn, and I love that. Yeah. No child left behind.

Oh, no. Oh, dear. He says, you know, we lose all the sperm. He says, we'll lose our ability to procreate. And I'm like, yeah, no, underpopulation is a real real real. right now. That's a good point. And then we see a bunch of fat kids again.

They love to show us to fat kids. And then we... I don't know. The kids look like 6.3, 225. I thought they were pretty good. I bet they could really remember man, person, woman, camera, TV, too, yeah. It looked like those kind of kids.

So then we cut to this fucking coach. This guy, Ron Jones, manly, and a bunch of kids up a bit. He bills himself as, quote, health fitness specialist. Yeah. And I trust this guy, because he's wearing the tinted sun glasses, you can buy at a rest stop next to the t-shirt that contains threats

to men who date your daughter. That's how I know he knows his shit. Yeah, he goes, Tucker comes out of the narration, he goes, Ron Jones is a historian, a P.E. teacher. I'm like, no, no, you're one or the other of those things.

First of all, he says an historian, because Tucker's such a piece of shit that he does the soft age thing there. But the entire movie is like sex ed from a PE teacher. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Maybe don't have your historian be a big teacher. But apparently this guy, in addition to being a PE teacher that yells at least he was to be more manly, he also, he keeps a film archive of how manly we used to be as a nation. Hey, pining for the great

PE programs of the past is the saddest thing I've ever heard of. and I used to be a professional magician. I was loading little red sponge balls into a fake thumb for Timmy's birthday party, and it was way better than this guy who's like, that's what gym class should be like. Oh, my God.

So we learn about La Sierra High School, which apparently used to have a real manly PE program where they killed children to make them. They didn't. They sure look like, we see footage of this, of them, like, basically torturing children into fitness, right? That's how I describe it. And he's like, and he calls it, Ron calls it, quote,

the last great PE program in America. Apparently, he's also the one that found this JFK footage that we started with. So that's what JFK was talking about, and the footage he was talking about this La Sierra PE program and how the country should adopt it as a nationwide thing, right? Yeah. And JFK liked that because he cared about physical fitness. and it had nothing to do with his very close friend Lem Billings.

Yes, right, yeah. Who also lived in the house that he lived in a lot of the time. Sure did. They were in different wings of the house. They weren't connected by a secret passageway. He's talking about. We have to talk about this line from Ron Jones. He says, now we have, he's talking about how we used to be badass.

Now we're all soft. He says, quote, now we have a generation of kids who don't even know how to walk. which he follows up with by saying, literally, I'm not exaggerating. Did you guys want it to pan over to a kid in a wheelchair? I keep going. Oh, that is so much funnier than my funny walk, damn it. I'll sit back down.

I hate this class. Okay, I didn't think of that. That would have been funny. I wanted it to cut to Tucker with his, like, chafy red balls that he burned with a fucking photo. trying to walk and he's just like, ah, fuck, can't watch.

It's like a pro-life propaganda poster down there. Looks ugly. Er. So, yeah. Because his crotch was all burned and chafy. Have you guys seen a lot of pro-life posters? Let's get some up on the scrim. Can we get some up on the scrim?

So, and Ron's like, you know, I can't think of any logical reason why we wouldn't have just adopted the Las Sierra model nationwide, and then they show the Supruder film. As though as though they killed JFK to

keep the kids from getting healthier. When they release the footage, it's going to pan from the grassy knoll to a fat kid behind a sniper rifle. It's just gonna, is this going to be childhood me being like, no more

fucking pull-ups? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just got it. One hand. on the trigger the other hand in a box of frosted mini-weets being like, these are mostly candy. So they said, but you know what we need

now is a leader who's willing to bulk up our kids and who's worried about their testosterone. And so of course, we cut immediately to RFK Jr. You can't cut to RFK Jr. In your health movie. You can't have him...

Especially he's not, he's going to start talking. He sounds like he's always dying. in a movie. Yes. And telling his friends to go on without him. And it's his dying. It's always dying words. He's just about to die. I would not curse RFK Jr's health on my enemies.

The genie comes out and is like, I'll turn him into RFK Jr. I'd be like, relax, man. Do some A-Promise me. You'll prosecute Fauci. Like, no. Wait, I'm back. The combination to my safe with

raccoon penises is 31. 27. It's the catch-up number. We know, man. But he explains that, you know, once we scrabbed JFK's boy buffing plans, we got real fat. And then we have a chart here in case people

need a visual aid to understand got real fat. I just used my Facebook profile pictures, but you can use you can use a chart if you want. And I gotta say, it pisses me off, because like a couple of times they do this in the movie, where they talk about real issues, right?

So like, RFK Jr. starts talking about regulatory capture and the way that the industries are controlling the things that are supposed to be regulating them. Yeah, that's really a fucking problem. But hey, you know what? When RFK Jr. suddenly was in charge, you didn't do a goddamn thing about it, right? So shut the fuck up about it if you're not going to try to solve the

problem. Is this the part where RFK Junior is in the middle of making a point and answers his fucking phone? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. He's literally like, the thing about the truth. Sorry, I got to take this. My guy.

Big beans. What's up, man? No, I'm doing this stupid movie about testosterone or something. Yeah, no, it's cool. Yeah, I can talk. Nah, man, she started that way. All right, I'll get back to you. I'm dying.

All right. Well, it bothers... Do you be your chainsaw with you? I want to do a thing. All right, well, I'll tell you what, it bothers me that we're taking this movie more seriously than the people who are being interviewed in it. So we're going to pause for another break,

but we'll be back in a minute with even more god-awful movies live from D.C. All right, Eli, are you ready to do the factor ad? Oh, no, Noah. I have such a busy schedule. I forgot to write one. Well, Eli, perhaps our wonderful DC audience could help us.

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See website for more details. You know what? I'm going to do something nice for a fuck. She did such a good. F*** you did okay, but f***. Come here. Come here. Are you ready?

This for you. Ready? Give me a what's factor. What's factor? She's on. Nice. Uh, Mr. President. Tyler, how you doing, big guy? What's going on, buddy?

Yeah, uh, RFK Jr. is here to see you. Oh, fantastic. Send him in. Mr. President. Bobby. Bobby Jay. How you doing, buddy? Never better. Would you, pistachio, shell? Would you like one? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, wait. Did you say shell? Yeah. Removes. Toxins. I'm... I think I'm good. Yeah, I have a pistachio shell. Ow. Fuck.

Obviously. Right. So, RFK, we wanted to talk to you about your upcoming speech. Oh, yeah, what about it? Okay, so you spend a lot of time talking about sperm counts? Yeah, yeah. You know, sperm count is 50% lower than it used to be. No, I don't know that because it's not true.

It's true. It's not. Okay, okay, Bobby, we got a question about the sperm thing. What if instead of not eating filet of fishishes, you just fuck twice? Okay, Mr. President, what he's talking about? That would actually just, it would double, and then you, that would do it. See, I told you, told you. Wow.

You know what, this is, that's better than what you were going to say, man. So yes, yes, fuck twice, okay. Nice. Hey, Bobby, real quick, before you go, do this. Now talk, talk like this. I knew it. 20 bucks. 20 bucks.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. This is the best. How long have you been like that? Like 20 years. Sure, sure. And in case anybody's wondering where we are at this point on the hyperbolometer, the opening line for the next scene is, Tucker Carl saying, and I quote,

powerful corporations Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I got to do my Tucker Crosse. Powerful corporations are effectively waging chemical warfare on the country. This is where we meet. Dr. Linda Burnbaum, she's going to bullshit at us for a little while. They're just sprinkling a little bit of science on their testicle tanning movie.

That's all this part is. Yeah. Yeah. So, and this is another thing where, like, yes, she's talking about the danger of PFAS or PFS, whatever the hell they call them. And that's real, right? These microplastics, So there's their higher cancer risks, there's a lowered immune responsibility. There's not a smaller dick issue, though, which is what they're saying, right?

They focus heavily on the weirdest day of that study, for sure. Also, hey, where can I find those people? Everywhere. Well, it's firefighter foam, apparently. Yes, yeah, firefighter. Oh, no, I eat a little bit of that every night before bed. I knew my small penis was because of all the firefighting foam I eat. So, yeah, but then she tells us about how she was, like, drummed out of public service for,

what, Anthony Faucied out of public service for, um, drawing attention to the things that were uncomfortable for petroleum companies. And it's like, yeah, but, like, by Tucker's side. Yeah, exactly. I actually, okay, I did some extensive research in this one moment because it was like, they're trying to do a science moment in their stupid movie. And I was like, no, I'm checking on this shit because Tucker Carlson did it. he's got an intercept article

and this person, Dr. Linda Bernbaum. Yeah. So she got hired in 2009. Quite possibly. She got hired in 2009 by Obama, by the Obama administration. Not Jewish. Muslim.

Who's this Nazi Germany? You've got to name them all when they come up or something? Noah usually cuts it, but I do that pretty much whenever we... He names the religion of the... race of everybody we talk about. Yeah. A lot of it gets cut. So yeah, she gets hired in 2009 and she left, she resigned because she felt like she had to in 2019, obviously, during Trump won.

They show us the top of that article, and I was like, I'm going to scroll down, I'm going to find the rest of this. And the article happens right after she left. So, okay, it says, I wrote this part down, her running with Republicans on the House of Science Committee last year may have had the most severe consequences. Republicans and representatives in Congress, Andy Biggs and Lamar Smith, accused Burnbaum of lobbying.

I wonder what party they're with. Yeah, yeah. And to be clear, she wrote an article about science, about how chemicals, Phaas, were maybe causing some diseases. And that scared the shit out of oil companies and airlines, military contractors. So they

were accusing her of lobbying by naming science. But let's talk about lobbying. Let's talk about lobbying. I looked up Andy Biggs and Lamar Smith to see their campaign donors for the cycle right before this happened. Top two packs for Andy Biggs,

Coke Industries, and Boeing. That's the Coke Brothers Industries and Boeing. For Lamar Smith, Coke Industries and Lockheed Martin. Weird. Yeah. You didn't think I was going to read that shit? You didn't think I was going to scroll down, Tucker Carlson? From your just headline?

Fuck you. Liar. And then they do that, and then they start talking about Monsanto. And I'm like, guys, there's so many good reasons to hate Monsanto. They're coming for our big penises isn't one of them, though.

Right? So now we're going to have a whole section of the fucking movie where they hate Monsanto wrong. They keep telling us the number of synthetic chemicals in the world as though that's supposed to be scary on its own. Yeah. Also, Tucker and R.FK Jr. supported Trump and Trump's Supreme Court just gave Monsanto

I don't know, immunity and amnesty from everything? Yep. Like two months ago? Yep. Fucking liars. So, yeah, so it turns out there's a lot of scary ways to combine elements and I'm just in my notes at this point. I'm like, get to the ball tanning already, my God.

Then they have this whole bit where they start talking about how the chemicals, and when I say the chemicals, they're not specifying which chemicals, just the chemicals, are making the alligator penises smaller. Yeah. We get to see in graphic detail how they check on that. So I was talking about the weird day

at that other study. This was a... Yeah. They have like the caliper with the like pressure gauge and they show us and it's like alligator penis.

Like some teenage alligator went home that day and was like, hey, fellow teenage alligator so... You okay, man? I... I'm not great. I'm not great.

Weird fucking day. I gotta tell you. Oh yeah. Weird day. I saw the boat. Did they like grab you and like feed you a fish or hold your mouth open? They did not. Oh, they did not.

Would they try to kill you for your alligator hide? No. As you can see, I made it out. So. But I am a survivor. I would call myself a survivor. So. Fuck.

So yeah. So we started talking to Linda Burnbaum about the alligator penises. And she explains to us that she says, says, again, quote, most of the synthetic chemicals we look at are blocking the testosterone system. And I'm like, where are you putting them? Most of the chemicals, like, what are you looking at specifically? Right. But again, they trot out some science, but what they've proven here is that some chemicals cause some birth defects. That's it. And one of the birth defects, here's the thing. If you want to make me take birth defects seriously, first of all,

good luck. But second of all, what? Name a not funny birth defect. You can't. You can't. Okay.

They name pee hole at the bottom by the balls. And I was like, that's funny. But the one that they choose to name to scare me, the consumer,

is pee out your ballsitis? A thing so funny, God and heaven prevented me from knowing about it until this very second. Peat out your ballsitis. Okay. I love when I'm watching a movie and I'm like,

Eli is also watching this movie. Yeah, right. This is certainly one of those moments. I think that solves a major question because men and men identifying folks in our audience. You know how sometimes you get in the men's room and you're like, what the fuck happened? Undiagnosed cases of pee out your balls. There's probably one out of three men out there,

peeing out their balls, they don't even know it. I don't think it's that. I feel like they'd know. I feel like that's the kind of thing you'd notice. Or is that alligator later that time? Yeah, right? I'll show you, motherfucker.

So then RFK split in two. It's been on your... There's nothing. Nope, nope, nope. So then RFK pops up to warn us about America's lack of ball juice. He says it's not that we...

It's not just that we have fewer sperm, is that our sperm also suck, and it shows like some hapless sperm going the wrong way and shit. I thought that was a scan of his brain for a second. Yeah, right, right. Oh, that's the worm to do, isn't it? Doesn't really know what he's doing anymore.

Linda comes on and she says, you know, she's like, she's like, well, what should we be afraid of when it comes to things like that? Well, water and food and air. And I'm like, okay, Jesus Christ, Tucker. You can't just say it out loud like that. And then we meet Andrew McGovern who builds himself as a, quote, fitness professional.

Okay. These personal trainers have a lot of words for personal trainer that isn't personal trainer. Don't they, though. They do. Don't they, though. Okay, this guy was deeply sunburned by a tanning bed. He's like, he's got the line of the goggles so clearly around his, I thought RFKJU is just going to tackle and be like, oh, sorry, I thought you were a giant raccoon.

I was trying to. I was after the penis. It's in a vault. You are also going to pee out of your balls now. sorry about that. I started before I really got going. I thought maybe you were that Hulk at the end of that movie. Nobody saw the one that Harrison Ford turned into.

Oh, the red one? Yeah. Put the knife down, though. No. Harrison Ford could be anywhere. So he tells us that everything around us has endocrine disrupt. Everything, literally everything around us has endocrine dust disrupting chemicals in it. We also meet his fellow fitness professional gauge corns.

And we watched these guys work out shirtlessly, and it took me a long time to figure this out, but finally I wrote in my nose, oh, this is gay porn for Republicans that haven't admitted to themselves. They're gay yet. This is for guys who are just going like, oh, I actually really like watching these half-naked men chop wood.

I wonder why. Gagecorn sounds like he was cursed by some omnipotent being to be named gay porn. And then he's been faking it, by not showing people as driver's license. Sure, okay, all right, yeah. My name is Gage Porn. Did you say Gage Corn?

Yep. That's my name. Whatever you heard. Gage corn is here to tell us about T-maxing or testosterone maxing. I'm like, yeah, just swallow it down, man. He says, he says, first, get all the plastics out of your house.

Well done. He says... Liggsy's call boys in the office. audience tonight. Big shout out to them. Well, one of them. They came as a group. We had a discount code on the website. Yeah, the website is came as a group.

So, thank you. Cheers. He says, get all the plastics out of your house. And I'm like, oh, good luck with that, man. I want to watch you try to get all the plastic out of your fucking house. Get all the plastic and petroleum products out of your house. because they disrupt chemicals, balls, endocrine, whatever the fuck.

Literal next shot. Yes! Literal next shot. One second later, he is flipping a giant rubber tire at his cross-fit gym. Synthetic rubber tire. Yeah. But he doesn't eat it.

Fucking real. Well, that's true. And then we meet Jonathan Draney. Now, Jonathan used to be depressed, but now he knows that. He's too manly for that's sissy bullshit. Right? That'd be a depressed shit. If I was going to choose someone to be the after photo of my manliness,

I would not choose the most droopy-daw-looking motherfuckers. Yes. Thank you. He's like, I used to be depressed, but now I've eaten a bunch of beef towel. My wife looks at me the way most sisters look at their disabled children. Okay. So, okay, so here's where I came across. So normally when we do these pseudicized documentaries, I spend most of my time Googling the various claims

that are made in the movies. And I found out, I found in this one, I'm like, you know, look, I'm 50 years old, and I already get enough, like, let's fix that penis of yours ads as it is. And I really didn't want to look up these, like, all these, like, increase your sperm count hacks that they were using. I'm like, nah, that's going to fuck my algorithm up forever.

I like this guy's Chiron. Yes, it's so sad. He's announced as a fitness client. And hey, Jonathan, if you're listening, I think you're more than that. Well, thanks, Noah Luzins. Would you mind if I stayed at your house? My wife is having her annual fuck everyone but me.

It'd just be fantastic to have it. No, don't you spit it out. I would just love to have a place to stay so I don't hear the balls slapping against the back of her side. It conflicts with the rhythm of the jazz music I'm listening to. And I think that's the worst thing about it. So, yeah, Jonathan, oh, God, Jonathan is so sad. He's the guy who goes like, well, it's nice that my wife wants to have sex with me again.

Oh, this was the best. Because we cut to the wife. Yeah, and we cut to a shot of the wife being like, he tries to lie in the movie and we're watching what's happening. He's like, I wrote down what he said. He says, it's fun to have my wife look at me. And there's a long, sad pause.

And then he's like, like, better now. She did put eyes on me before, but worse. Now better. And then we get the shot of the wife supposed to be looking at him. But she's so clearly looking out into the distance. And he's here. And he's trying to cheat into her shot. And she never looks at it.

I think they did an interview shot where he was like, it's nice to be looked at with desire and lust again. And she popped in, she was like, hey, he can't say that on camera. If he wants to keep living in this house, he can't say that on camera. He was like, okay. Can we do another take?

What's so amazing about this is that clearly the director turned to her at this point and said, can you look at him, you know, like you're overwhelmed with desire for him? And she's like, I cannot. I don't even know what that fucking look like. You're going to have to hire Merrill Street for that one, my friend. So, okay. So then Tucker calls upon...

She actually does an eye roll. She does an eye roll, but it seems to be in response to his ADR narration, which makes it even better. He's like, I think she loves me now and you watch her be like, and that's the end of the scene. It's perfect. Yep. And so then Tucker calls. upon the howls of power to fight against the great testicular deflation event. Right?

He says, one of the fit guys shows up, this is the first time that I noticed that most of the hot fit guys that they're showing have their faces blurred out. They only show like eight of them. They couldn't find eight fit guys willing to be in this stupid fucking movie. No shot. Fucking Red boy, Red Hulk, was like, hey, hey, fitness bros, I'm shooting for a movie.

And they were like, oh, great, yeah. And then towards the end of the day, they were like, hey, man, what's this movie for? And they were like, oh, it's the Tucker Carlson ball tanning thing. And they were like, oh, if you put my face in the movie, I'll kill you. Yep. Yep. Sure the fuck did. All right.

So this is the point where Tucker is going to introduce us to what he calls bro scientists. Yeah. He says they call themselves bro scientists half jokingly. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, the bro part is real. Yeah. That's real. So what a pro scientist is is a person on YouTube making claims, right?

That's what it is. He goes, at one point one of them goes, well, you know, there aren't enough double-blind placebo tests about the questions that we want answered, so we have to rely on our own experience. And I'm like, how about your own double-blind placebo test, you dumbasses? It's not like there's a secret formula to those or some shit. But instead, no, they all just get together and they do push-ups and sprints together. and so we watched that for a bit.

And shuffleboard. It's very manly. There's like, man ranch, a dude ranch, right? But like for dude bros, and they've got like a sprinting area and then old people shuffleboard. Yeah, they're shovel board. I was like, okay, that's a fun game, but. This is also where we bring in Mike Sernovich.

Yeah! Okay. Yes. That is correct. So Sernovich, for you remember, was a journalist for like four and a half seconds who jerked off into his own t-shirt when women wouldn't fuck him.

Google it. It's great. And he has had everything happened to him that I would wish for. Like, I know you've seen pictures of me because of the internet, and then I came out here and you were like, whoa, that's how I feel about Mike Cernovich.

He appeared on my screen, and I was like, holy shit, what arc of the covenant did he open? Many. Yup. They don't even include him in the manliness montage. They show him alone in his house. on his peloton.

Oh, it's so sad. And he explains to us that bro science is prescriptive in a way that makes it completely non-scientific. They don't do things in bro science. They only don't do things. Bro science. Yeah. What does that even mean?

He says, oh, and then this is where we meet a journalist. He describes himself as journalists. Hey, me too, Dan. This is Dan Lyman, who says, I'm a journalist too, and a cheese client. It's so stupid. Fuck you. You're right whatever you want on a Chiron.

Yeah. So he goes, he says, this is how we're introduced in this character. He says, through self-experimentation, I cleared up a lot of skin issues by removing gluten from my diet. No, you fucking didn't, man. No, and see, here's the thing,

here's what happens, though. These people get into this shit, and then they suddenly get to where they're exercising. and watching their diet for the very first time and also eating raw eggs or to cut out gluten. They're like well fuck the gluten did it, right? Because he also identifies

himself as, and these are his words, a raw egg slunker. Hey, my friends, hey, my friends, I want to help you out with something. If you crave like raw eggs

by the dozen sliding down your open Wet throat You want that to become That's what you want You just want to drink And to be clear I want that for you

Right I want that for you as well Brother sister Mother child That they want to drink come Because we watch this guy Drink like eight full raw eggs And we watch the whole scene

So they also want to watch men drink come Right Which again is fine Yes That's awesome Downright neighborly. Drinking cum is a servant, braver than the troops.

Some of the troops drink cum. If you're a troop who drinks cum, you're my favorite. Do we have any cum drinking troops in the audience tonight? We have quite a few. I know we know. It's called the Navy. So, okay.

So now Tucker is going to introduce us to the spiritual leader of the bro scientists, a man who calls himself raw egg nationalist. That's his name. So we cut to a raw egg nationalist YouTube video

where he warns us about the enemy soy nationalism. Yeah, what? That's what I wrote. What in my notes, actually? Yep. Yeah, same question I had. He goes, he's like, well, you know,

the they, you know, which the Jews. but he just says... It's big soy. It's the tofu manate or something like that. He says the globalists is the word. Yeah, the Linda Burnbaum's, if you will. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. The globalists want you isolated, right?

And he says, the antidote to nationalism is raw eggs. Or sorry, to soy nationalism is raw eggs, and I'm like, take me there, bro. And he explains that eggs are actually the opposite of soy. Okay. No, they're not. No. No, they're not. I know opposites.

The opposite of soy is potato. There you go. Right. That's well known. No. It would be potato. But they had a meeting where it was like, what's the opposite of soy?

Shout them out if anybody knows it. Yeah. There you go. One guy was like, yoss. And they were like, you just spelled it backwards. That's not it. Brisket. Okay.

It's fucking potato people. Come on. I already told you. there's both vegetables. But this ended with, at their meeting, lady chicken stuff? And then somebody was like, it's lady chicken stuff. That's got to be it.

Okay. But here's the thing, though, is he explains his egg thing. He's like, you know, eggs are filled with protein. Eggs will make you... You can't patent an egg. And I'm like, I bet Man Santo can find a way to patent a fucking egg. But also, like, okay, so if you've established that eggs are good, you still have to establish that raw eggs are good, you dumbass. Right?

Because, like, raw... Like when you cook eggs, you get way more bioavailable protein out of them and shit. It's like action, and, you know, you don't get self-nillop poisoning. And it's not gross. And it's not, and they taste good. Yeah, there's all kind of great things about cooking. But you don't feel like someone's sliding a gallon of cum down this. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Okay.

I am convinced, I'm like 100% sure. This is a project I want to do. 100% sure we can do it. Drink a bunch of cum? Because there's a lot of youth. Yes, and. Yes, and. Okay.

Yes, and I want to... If you're willing to let Heath suck your dick after the show, there's going to be a photo line, and there's going to be a let Heath suck your dick line. And if you get in the wrong line, that's on you. Not getting mad at us. I don't want this to be like the St. Louis show again. I'm going to have to switch lines whenever I want,

so you don't know what's going to happen. You follow Heath. If Heath's in your line, you're not getting a picture. Nobody in our picture line again. But seriously, we could start like a YouTube, like a bro science YouTube. Ooh. 100% we could get these bros to drink raw chicken cum. Like, cut out the middle, man.

They're already doing eggs, and we'll be like, we figured out the next that they don't want you to hear about. If you guys don't mind, I'm going to call Tom real quick. Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. We could call it cock and doodle dudes. Nice. Nice. All right.

I'm kind of the pun guy of the podcast. Wordplay is kind of my specialty. He's more of a character's man. Does his little sketches on the dance floor. I love how Eli thought he was going to put his feet up on the desk. He didn't have space. And then he realized there was no room and he just kind of did this. In every universe but this one, I tried to get over my computer.

felled backwards and am dead and in hell right now with Sam Altman. So, okay. You guys didn't hear he died. So, okay. So then we meet Raw Egg Nationalist in the Flash and he says, this is a great answer. If you ever get one of those

like ruin a date and six words memes, this is great. This is his opening line, I swear to you. He goes, I dispense red pill fitness information. My God. I've never wanted to kill a person so quickly. Yeah, it calls himself a non-right-wing,

bodybuilder dispensing Red Pill Fitness. Okay. But who the fuck are these bros who get on board with Red Pill Fitness? Just disaffected young men and like, go fuck yourself,

Arkansas, and they're like, the only thing standing in the way of my success, I just need the right recipe. We get rid of a few brown people, if you gay people, I eat like nine eggs, and then I'm gonna make it, what are you talking about? Drink nine eggs, but yeah.

Well, and I love this, because everything, he's, all the advice he's giving is advice that I'm like, yes, Tucker Carlson, viewers and listeners, yes, by all means, he's like, well, you need a lot of cholesterol. Like, you do need a lot of cholesterol. He's like, well, you know, you got to drink a lot of raw eggs? I'm like, you do have to, you have to drink raw milk. Yes, you should drink

raw milk. He goes, a low-fat vegetarian diet taints your testosterone. And then there's this great moment where they show him like sleeping on the floor. And I swear, I thought this was a fucking comedy bit. He's sleeping on the floor and he's like, yeah, I tried sleeping on the floor. That sucked.

I didn't diet. I stopped doing that. That's awful, man. That's really bad thing. Sad and uncomfortable. Blur out my face because I'm crying. I also think it's fine. I also think it's fine for your body to look however you wanted to look,

but this man's obsessed with his body, so I have to point out he has giant red nipples, and the movie does their best to hide them, right? They only show him from a moving car, but there is one shot where we get the fullness of his fucking teacup-sized nipples, and I need you to know this. The reason this man is an anonymous bodybuilding expert is every time he's gone somewhere and been like,

I'm a bodybuilding expert. They've been like, is what you do? Is that what happened to your nipples? And he's been like, fuck, I have to do this on the internet. Are he's a nip, man? In secret. They mentioned, though, that burn victims use raw eggs, and then they show the, I thought they were going to, like,

fix his nipple burn. Oh, yeah, with the raw eggs or something. Or fix the testicle burns that they do on their, with their crazy bed. Come on. We could get, our channel could get them, like, dipping the balls in, like, and flour and pack of a chicken cutlet.

We could get them doing a chicken cutlet thing. All right. On a channel. Our channel could be called Get Yoked. Come on. Oh, that's pretty fucking good. Chicken paca. It's what I had.

Because of the dipping and the bread stuff. Very obviously, we've got some websites to register and shit. So we're gonna pause for a quick break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will they finally get to the ball tanning? Yes, I think that's all the sell this fucking our needs. So stick around for the carcinogenic conclusion of The End of Men, live from Washington, D.C.

Okay, Eli, are you ready for the Rocket Money ad? I am, Noah. Are you going to expose our audience to their greatest fears again? No, I would never do that in an ad. But don't worry, I have made this advertisement relatable to our D.C. audience. Okay. Noah, may I borrow $5? Why, you let whatever for?

I spent all my money on young male prostitutes to cover up the fact that I am gay, former politician, Lindsey Graham. Oh, dude, come on. We're not going to get paid for the ad now. That's right, Noah. Rocket money can track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel unwanted ones

within the app with a few taps, giving users an easy way. to stop paying for things they don't use. Also, they have... They rocket money, the great product, Rocket Money that's definitely paying for this. They have automatic transaction categorization across accounts, plus customizable categories and tags

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Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. What's? RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. What's Rocket Money? Rocket money. Because hitmen get pricey.

At two heath. Eli got to do like a bunch of the ones. What's Rocket Money? Mr. Johnson? Please call me the modern Viking. Nope. Not going to do that. So what brings you to the doctor today?

All right, Doc, straight to the point. I appreciate that. So I'm what I like to call a bro scientist. That sounds terrible. Yeah, I get that a lot. Basically, I use my own body as a laboratory. Currently, I drink probably a dozen raw eggs a day. I see. That's a lot of cholesterol. Calestero actually isn't bad for you. Seed oils are. Nope, no. What you said is false. Not true. No. Okay, well, you're the doctor, I guess.

No, just doctor. No, air quotes. I'm just the doctor. you're nothing. So what would you recommend then, you know, for protein? Well, based on your craving for raw eggs that you mentioned, um, and the, yeah, and what you're doing right now? Yep. And so that's several photos shirtless. You've posted those just now? Yep. So, yeah, based on all that, um, I would prescribe, come. Sorry, what? I said, you heard me. I said come. I'm, I'm saying, I mean, you're drinking eggs because they remind you of your desperate. Desperate need.

Forecome. Because... Because you're a homosexual person. Oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah. So, well, here's the thing. You know, just go out there and suck some dicks or whatever.

That's great. Nice. Can I suck your dick? Nope. Oh, is it? No. Is that because you're straight? No, no, it's, I'm...

No. I am not straight, but you are the worst. So, that is why. Damn, but I thought gay guys would be cool. We are, though. You're just awful. That's all that's happening here. I'm sorry to hit you up for two applause, breaks in a row like this, but it's finally time for the goddamn ball tanning.

So, this is where we mean. our ball tanner Benjamin Braddock His guy run. USA. That's how that gets more enthusiastic, the drunker you guys get. Nice. Yeah, this is the bronze or age pervert, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of mad about his ball tanning, though. He's kind of weird about it. He is, he's like, yes, I tan my balls. And I'm like, hey, man, when you tan your balls, that's all there is to you. I'm sorry to say it.

like that, but that's just how it is. His Chiron even admits it. His Chiron just says, influencer, because he wouldn't let him use ball tanner. To be fair, that was one of the other personal trainers, and they didn't want to get their names mixed up.

Oh, right, right, okay. Yeah, yeah. He's a photon client. So, so we see him tanning his balls. As I said, outdoors, he's got this little tanner thing that he's standing behind, which I so tried to get for Eli's

outfit. It's too expensive $84,000. Yeah, it was, it was. And he's standing there, like I said, he's standing there like this, like he's on top of the world, butt naked, outdoors,

in what seems to be a recreational area used by more people than just him. There's a volleyball court in the back room. There's a fucking volleyball court. I wanted somebody to be like, little help, ball just rolls over to him. Got to keep his...

Now I have cancer on my ass. It's good for your balls. But he starts telling us about the benefits of red light therapy. We're basically at the happy and sad water crystals at this point. We learn that red light penetrates much deeper. So that's right? They're all about some deep penetration. You've got to measure the wavelength from the balls that counts for the red light.

And it's deeper. Thank you. Can I say something brave? Is this a safe space? Yes. I would never wish harm on a child, but see what happens when you say yes? The last question.

If there was ever a person who I want to have one of those born inside out babies. Oh, God. It's this guy, right? The more goopy and short term, the better. I think you're like, losing him, man.

So... You don't think that'd be funny? All right. You said this was the same place. Guys, and here's the sad thing is that I get... Maybe in the letter to acknowledge, man, you all agreed with it. And then I said that I wanted this guy to have an inside-out

goopie baby. It's not going to be here for very long. It's like a long weekend. It's not a big deal. I would be a goopy baby for a long weekend for a good bit. I don't want it to be like 40.

I'm not cursing it to a life of goopy. I'm cursing him to the loss of his goopy babies. Eli, you're not saving this, man. So. On my way off stage. He doesn't need that kind of encouragement, okay? Thank you. All right.

I'm about to introduce Parkinson's disease to this goddamn proceedings. I don't need him unleashed. So he goes... On my way off stage. I saw a child. There's a child here. And so all my jokes are going to be this direction. All right.

So he says at this point, he goes, he goes, you know, they're using red light therapy trials to treat part. They're doing a trial right now. Using red light therapy to treat Parkinson's. I'm like, man, they can do a trial for any fucking thing. That doesn't mean anything. And then we see his gaggle of decisive. down by the water and hole.

Just jumping balls first into the lake. Thank fucking God. We are done with the fucking ball tanning, by the way. That's it. That was all the ball tanning we got. Right? Fuck that guy. Now we've moved on to shooting cooking oils with a 50 caliber rifle.

And I got to say, I love this moment so much because they're going to tell us about how seed oils are bad for you. And they start off with this guy. He's very manly man. and he's got this giant fucking rifle that's very clearly meant to be fired from the ground, right? He's got the little harms on the front of it,

and he's holding it against his shoulder, and he fires it. And then the next time we see him, he's got this deep purple fucking bruise all down on side. He hurt himself so bad, and then we see it because he's an asshole

who insisted on popping the shirt for that shot. This is a huge welt. He walks to Dick's sporting goods the next morning. Hey, did you... Wanna, you drop, you're not allowed to buy a gun. I want to return this. I shot it with my shirt off. I'll pop my shoulder out of the socket.

Yeah, right. In front of the ball tanning guy. And he pointed in me and he said, hey, everyone's gonna know you is pop your shoulder out guy from now on, let me tell you. So, and look, so we, it's so fucking ridiculous because they're literally shooting bottles of fucking cooking oil

with this rifle and we're watching them explode and they're like yeah we're engaged in a normal thing this is a normal thing to do isn't it? Now there's a big puddle of what these idiots think is toxic oil seeping into the ground at their dude ranch it's not gonna work out for them.

It is though because that's made up. Well right, right, yeah. But yeah and he's they start talking about ultra-processed foods, right? And this is another one of those things where like okay, that's a real problem, shut the fuck up about it, right? Because by co-opting it for your bullshit, you're actually making

the problem worse, right? When you turn it into a pro ball tanning argument, it's hard for other people to take it seriously. At one point they shoot Pop-Tarts at the very end of this. They bring out the run... Yeah, because of the process, yeah. The shoot, like Kellogg's was giving

boxes to Dylan Mulvaney, and they were like, we're going to murder it. When Kid Rock, this is a serious documentary. I gotta be honest with you. the good flavors, so it doesn't matter. I was still pretty upset. I was still pretty upset to see those pop tarts go. That's a waste of fucking pop tars.

If they had done the cinnamon brown sugar ones, that's a crime. That's a war crime. A fucking war crime. Or the Smoors ones? So, wow. You expect that? Yeah, so to be clear, where this audience was, goopie baby dies within a holiday weekend. Cinnamon. Significantly lower than that.

s'mores pop tarts. And as it should be, as it should be. So, okay. The middle ground was the cinnamon, though. That's the crazy. No, there was a general approval for the cinnamon. Yeah, we're all pro cinnamon around here. So then, okay, so then we meet William Wheelwright, right?

Right? And he's going to tell us the secret to health is to only eat. What's natural? Yeah. He's a regenerative farmer. Yeah, no, you'll love arsenic. He describes himself as a regenerative farmer. He's the one that bruised his arm with the fucking rival.

And then he explains his like natural green mommy farming style. Right. And he's like, well, you know, it's better if the animals are allowed to roam freely. And I'm like, yeah, man, like, but the problem isn't that it makes your dick smaller. Right? It's not that it makes your ball juice run out. The problem is that it's less, that it's cruel to the fucking animals. Right.

And also, just to be clear, at that exact moment, we're, we're, we're, The video is going through a cage to see his animal while he's just... But it's like a big cage. Right, right, yeah. Like in nature. I always enjoy these moments because... Do we have any farm people here? People grew up on farms, you know about farms?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know every time someone starts talking about this bullshit it's just a matter of time until they get a pig, and that pig fucks up their life. Yep. Because they have their chickens in their yard, and they're like, oh my gosh, I'm Mother Nature. and then their pigs is just in their house,

their wife in a headlock? What's up, man? How's that free range going for you? She's mine now. Her name's Pebbles. So... Probably should have read a book before you just let me out of my cage, huh?

We're going to be heading out. She was dead when I got here. There's a great moment. I'm so sorry. So there's a great moment here where the, uh, We see the guy milking a cow, and it's like super duper clear that he's never done that before,

and it's kind of freaking him out. Oh, that was the dude bro with the goggles, with the sunburn, and he's just like boobies. Yeah, he's the one also who explains to us that being right wing just means believing in the natural order of things. He says that we're what? This is the guy who just injured himself

while trying to shoot a gun. Yeah. A white guy who did that. literal gun. Oh, sorry, that was one was naturally occurring. AR-15s on a turret to murder a Pop-Tart.

So then we meet this woman who calls herself Tiger Lily. Yeah, and she's... Clap for Tiger Lily. Come on. Yeah, thank you. I like it. And hey, if you're listening at home and you're not watching the movie along, she's not.

If you're picturing like a First Nation person who's in... No, no, no. No. Tiger Lily started out as Megan. Yep. Actually, Mel, but yeah. And Tiger Lily explains how the media just hates nature so much, right?

And then Tucker explains, he's like, hey, you know, a lot of people think that this is a sexist thing, this whole end of men and this obsession I have with sperm counts. But women need men too for their sperm. And I'm like, no, they really don't. Like, women could... Like, men need women. Right? Like the human race would die out in a second if there were no women. Women could live without men indefinitely. Yeah, right, right. No, it sounds like a great idea.

Is that true? Is that true? Can they make... They can make them with two ladies now? Yep, sure can. They can make it with just one lady, as a matter of fact. No, that sounds bad. I would do that if I could. You can't tell them that they can do that.

Yeah. A lot of the brand is resting on the fact that they need us. Well, you gotta get good at killing spiders, man. I keep telling you. So then... So, okay, but Tiger Lily tells us her origin story. And her origin story, here's the real story, right? Is that she had anxiety, and then she didn't.

And she assumed that whatever the fuck she did in between was magic. Right? So she's like, you know, I had anxiety, and I knew it wasn't mental, because I'd never struggled with anxiety. And things don't just start. This doesn't make any sense. Nothing that's not already happening has ever happened before. And then, so she says,

and she says, you know, I went to the doctor with my anxiety, and they tried to give me Prozac and Zanx. I mean, no the fuck they didn't. There's no goddamn way you walked in with anxiety, and they're like, well, here's your Prozac, here's your Xanax. Good luck with that. I don't know. Take a fucking fistful of each.

Grab a whiskey. But if they did, let me get your doctor's number. Been having to buy that shit off a third grader with ADD. Yeah, right? So she's like, you know, but I decided instead of taking... I'm anxiety. Instead of taking all the Prozac and the Zanics, she decided to treat it with bullshit.

Yeah, natural healing. And she says, natural healing. The next two shots are a bottle. I don't know how it goes in a bottle, but a bottle of beef tallow that looked like a product that RFK Jr. sells, a podcast or something. And then the other next shot is her going to a chiropractor who's doing, like, not just a chiropractor,

a chiropractor doing like the Jack Reacher behind you murder. Yes! Yes! Snap in the neck. Yeah. Like a headbutt would be healthier. Really? If Jack Reacher, headbutts you in the vase, it's healthier than the thing I just watched.

And it's so amazing. she's like, you know, I didn't want to take a bunch of medicine. I want to do something healthy. And the next thing we see is Arnold Schwarzenegger, breaking a neck. Oh, okay. She says at this point, she's like, breastfeeding is always a very polarizing conversation.

I'm like, no, it's not. Well, because of you. Well, right, right. You fucking looney tune? Yeah, exactly. As long as you're not gilting women who don't have time for it, there's never a fucking controversy, but she is. Okay.

Our channel, our channel could get There's our audience for you. 25-year-old dude bros breastfeeding because we can convince them that the egg wash and the chicken cutlet balls, plus you breastfeed, and then you get really yoked. You're good to go.

We call ourselves Mr. Yeast. Amazing. They were talking to me about important stuff backstage, and that's all my brain was doing. And the YouTube channel is called, and the YouTube channel is... They used to have chicken, chicken. This is also, this is where they warned us about the dangers of baby food, right?

And so they bought this whole big ass thing of baby formula so they could dump it down a sink. In slow-mo. In slow-mo. It was like, whor-l-l-l-d-you-r. Because you know how there's too much baby formula and nobody needs it? Yeah. Exactly. Just cut to a jacked-up baby suckling from a cow.

Butters are all sunburned. Tucker Carlson says at this point, he's like, you know, our children are swimming in a toxic soup, and no one seems to care. And I'm like, says the fucking climate change denier. Right? How fucking dare you? It used to be toxic ice. Yes.

He goes, well, and as if that's not bad enough, then he goes, you know, well, post-pandemic, people trust science less and less. Why is that? because of you because of you you fucking jackass because you spent all the time lying and demonizing about

fucking science and are continuing to do so as we fucking speak Jesus Christ JFK Tucker Carlson that and because the masks were uncomfortable you guys remember how they were they would get your ears

I decided to destroy civilization because the loops were sometimes they were a little you remember how was just a little, and then sometimes it got a little hot. So we destroyed civilization. A little bit of fog on the glasses. Oh, so annoying.

Oh, yeah, no, that was bad. So I destroyed public trust institutions and voted for Trump again. Right. So, okay. So now, though, it's time. We might split the Republicans in half, though. It's going to be fucking great. I'm picturing a King Solomon situation.

Yeah, right, right, exactly. Not the individual ones. And they're both like split us in half. I want this. I want this. We sure own the lips, Republicans, if you split yourselves in half. That could be Benjamin Braddock's baby. Oh, there you go.

All right. So then we meet Dr. Just a listener at home. Eli is now doing an impression of Benjamin Button's baby or whatever his name was. Okay. It was gooey. So then we meet Paul Turich,

Dr. Paul Turich, one of the few doctors that actually cares about baby penises anymore. and he has a nickname. What's his nickname? I don't want to say it. He calls himself The Sperm Whisper.

Some people call me the Sperm Whisper, and I'm like, nobody calls him that. Seriously, all I wanted next was a cut to naked Tucker Carlson. Naked Tucker Carlson. You got a picture of the bowtie. And then the back of Dr. Josh's head. Hey there, buddy. Oh, listeners at home, I'm not even allowed to tell you what we're doing now.

I'm the sperm whisperer. You need a little pep. My name is Paul, and I am a motivational speaker. Oh, my God. Heath is trying so hard to talk to Eli's balls right now, and he just can't do it. Can't do it. He just can't make himself to it. Commit. Commit or get out.

You know, get in the right line at the end of the show for pictures. So, okay. but I want to be serious for a second which is really hard to do right after that but the guy, the doctor he says, you know I think young men in America are one of the most underserved parts of the population medically and he's right

that's absolutely fucking true and there's a reason for it it's because of this bullshit that we're doing in this fucking movie right? It's because of this manliness shit and it's been shown scientifically over and over again that guys who are obsessed with manliness they're less likely to go get medical help they're more likely to have high cholesterol

They're more likely to die of heart attacks. They're more likely to be alone and all of the various problems that come with that. So, like, if you actually have a fucking concern with this, you'd shut the fuck up. Right? But no. Instead, they're going to encourage these people

to drink raw eggs and tell them, no, that'll fix all your fucking problems. Right? And then Tucker says of Dr. Paul Turing at this point, he goes, you know, he understands that you shouldn't shame people for having low testosterone. Susan. Is this where we get the stock

footage of the semen sandbag? Yes, it is. Okay. That's too little. It's too little. Look. This guy has to, he hands the little thing and there's like a sperm in it. At most. It's too small. Yeah. He had the yips that day.

He's got a small sample. When I got my vasectomy, I had to do a semen sample afterwards. and I also was self-conscious about the amount of semen so I did it like nine or ten times You thought it was too little or too much And then I poured some peanut collata mix in here Just like Zev Bellringer taught me to

Yes, yeah exactly But this was too little cum There's also a great moment here I can't believe I'm so sorry I'm so sorry No, actually, I'm sorry. So, no, there's this great moment, I can't believe... I can't believe this shit makes it into the movie.

There's a moment where the doctor, he says, well, you know, it's very important that you legitimize people's concerns, whether they're real or not. That made it into the fucking movie. Turns to camera, I'm in a Tucker Carlson movie. I'm getting paid. I said no right at the beginning. Yep.

He says, you know, Tucker Carlson says, this point, he's like, you know, me and my concern about child balls, well, you know, they just, they just treat it as a joke in Washington. And I'm like, well, we're trying, man, we're trying. Doing our best. It's like they don't even want to talk about boy penises in the halls of power. I'm like, oh, they do. They do. So then we kind of, I feel like after he made the inside-out kid jokes,

I felt like I was safe to go anywhere I wanted to go, but really not. All right, so then we... What if the nine-year-old walked out then? Got second grade in the morning I gotta get the fuck out of here Nine years old, it's fourth grade Come on now So okay

I'm so sorry Take this shit seriously You're embarrassing yourself Eli So then we Okay So then we got to a montage Of people making fun of him So before this video came out

Right he used this episode Because this was supposed to be like Tucker Carlson's special edition thing They were supposed to do several episodes of it They only did a few And he used this bolt-hitting one It's the big advertisement that the series was coming out.

So, of course, when he put it up, everyone in the world made fun of him for it, right? Because it's fucking ridiculous. And so now they've got this montage of people making fun of the show that we're watching in the show we're watching, which is crazy matter. That means he added this later.

Yes. So he had his show. Yes! He put the trailer out or whatever. He got roasted on the entire internet. And then he was like, I'm going to fucking relitigate these Twitter fights as the finale of my show.

And he put that in you right now. And the funniest thing about it, and please watch the fucking video if you don't believe me on this. The whole montage of people are like, wow, everything that he's saying here seems very fascist and gay. Everybody's like, wow, that's gay.

Wow, that's fascist. Well, that's fascist. Well, that's gay. And then he comes out and he goes, I'm not fascist. Two, three, Or guy. That's the cadence of what actually happens.

It's just like, that's so good. He goes, you know, if you care about your health, they say now that you must be some kind of right-wing extremist, I'm like, yeah, the left hates health. They fucking hate it so much. That's why they want to give everybody universal. Fuck, fuck. Damn it.

Wait, is this where Mike Sternovich has a meltdown? Where he has the whole, like, can't we still be manly while fucking each other? Oh, my God. Why would they put this in the movie? He's just, he's almost weeping, and he's like, I'm trying to be a good Republican, but fuck it. I'm just so tired. I just, I don't like beer.

I don't like, okay, I don't like to taste it. I just want to be nice to people. Well, he starts railing against what he calls bacon and boobie's masculinity. This is, yeah, it's a rail, he's railing against toxic masculinity, and he doesn't fucking know it. He has no idea. Right? And I'm like, yeah, man, like, you could just come to our... I mean, you can't, but, like, people could come to our side,

and then they could just be themselves about shit, you fucking idiot. You have to wash your t-shirt, and then maybe you can come. Yeah, but... And then wash a t-shirt. Then watch a... Yeah. But then, so, but Tucker explains to us that the powers that be... The reason that they were making fun of his ball tanning video

is because they're afraid of our manliness. They... Yeah, they, the Jews. They want people demoralized and emasculated. Yeah, step three, profit. And then he says, so then they're going to warn us of the coming paradise when all the manosphere assholes decide to go Atlas shrugged their way onto the mountain.

No, don't, don't leave. Be too fond. I'm reaching out. You're not. Conservative men left. There's also, they show like this parade of horribles, right? like the things that the lack of manliness

the society is threatened from and it's got like a dude in a diaper and it's got trans women and it's got like... It's got a guy with nacho cheese on his face. He's got a guy with nacho cheese on his face. That's just a bad example. It doesn't even make sense.

He's probably a cheese client. So... Do you consider... Have you consider the fact that everything, every one of these scary images in this little monster, of how far we've fallen, everyone in all of those videos is happier

than Tucker Carlson will ever be. Yes, right. Right. I mean, look, try now imagine a situation where you're sad and have nacho cheese all over your face, right? It can't be done. Can't be done. So there's three lines. There's the picture line.

There's the Heath Sucks Your Dick line. There's the nacho cheese line. There we go. Those last two lines are right next to each other. Yeah, right, right. Just to be clear. Keith's just cheating over, sucking on the nacho cheese line, yeah.

So, but okay. It's close to what I was thinking. There's also a... Or if they're eating the cheese while you're sucking... Yes, all right, all right. That's a platinum night experience. So, okay. So, but then we see fat guys.

We see, like, guy with nacho cheese on his face. Immediately after that, mushroom cloud. No connective tuesday. tissue whatsoever. That guy ate so much cheese that a nuclear bomb went off. Cheese Mageddon. And then he says, and then there's like some nonsense about men who are strong enough to

survive, and as they say, men who are strong enough to survive, we see Tucker Carlson again. The future president of the United States. All right now. Hey. Hey. Hey. Trump.

Trump wasn't going to win either. And it was super funny. Hey, you know, we were all having fun here, man. God damn it. All right. So here's the fucked up. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I missed it.

What do you say? What do you say? I think it was just we were reminded of the ages of all the people who are here. Okay. All right. So, yeah, Eli did that right at the end. This is the end. Now I've got to end on everybody being sad thinking about President Carlson?

Fuck. Yeah. Somebody made a fucking dick joke again. At the very end of this movie, Amazon was convinced that I wanted to watch one of two things. Battle for Shark Mountain. 6,000-pound shark. Okay. So, I mean, I don't normally like to compliment Bezos.

But he was fucking right. Yes, exactly. They nailed that. All right. Well, that's it. Against all odds, Tucker Carlson managed to squeeze an entire GAMS episode worth of bullshit into a 32-minute video. So I guess congratulations to Tucker are in order. And, well, that does it for our review of the end of men. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to exist as men longer, I guess. So Eli, tell us, what's on deck?

Before he was the father of a nation, he was a soldier fighting to survive. A single misstep. thrusts Young Washington into the center of global conflict testing his honor, loyalty, and courage. As alliances crumbled and the frontier erupts into war, he must confront not only his enemies, but the man he's becoming.

This is the untold story of Young Washington. We're in Washington, D.C. right now. We had the wig. How the fuck are we doing that next week and not this week? It was longer. Long. Yeah, there was balls.

All right, there was ball tanning. I get it. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 570 to a merciful close. I need to offer up a huge thanks to Max, Emma, Liam,

and everybody here at Atlas Center for Port March. You guys have been awesome. You've done an amazing job. Thank you so much. I forgot, I didn't. I forgot the guy who's doing the lights his name, but thank you, too.

USA, yes. I also. Patriots. I need to thank Jingoism. I need to thank Tim Robertson for all his help setting up the show. Tim's amazing.

I need to thank Lucindalusions for bringing me water. I need to thank Ann Linder for bringing Heath alcohol. But most of all, of course, I need to thank all of you for coming out. Thank you so much. And for those of you listening along at home,

I should point out that the theme song that you're hearing that the audience here is not hearing was written and performed by a Ryan's on, the view address on Mars. All the other music was written before by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week

for Heath and rewrite, Neil and Lysen, I'm No, Luceus, promise, work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Breakfast club clothes. No. J.D. Vance got a tanning daybed.

But the lights keep shorting out. Because he fucks, cats. Remember when he fucked a couch? Ball tanning guy would go on to treat his testicular cancel with kale extracts or some shit. Tucker Carlson would get attacked by a demon dog,

break up with Donald Trump, and start his own political party with his running mate Marjorie Taylor Green. DG. Thank you so much, D.C. Yeah, when we decided to do this movie, I was against it at first because the video's only like 32 minutes long and I was like, how the hell are we going to do

a whole movie for 32 minutes? And then I started watching it. And literally, this is literally true. I was two seconds into the movie. I had written seven different jokes. And I messaged Eli and he then. I'm like, guys, I'm 80 words in and only two seconds into them. I think we're, I think it will be fine then.

All right. You guys ready to do interstitial two? Eli's checking his Facebook. I was checking Facebook real quick. I was checking Facebook real quick. He's also checking something else. Yeah, no. I was just impressed that it wasn't foreign again.

Okay. Well. Eli, you ready to be in character? Now it's in the eye of the behold. All right. Interstitial 2. Hold on. I'm RFK Jr. in this.

Yes, you are. Get ready for my dying breath. Okay. All right. All right. Yeah, we can take a applause break on that one. All right. Now you got that.

Now you have to sit through the ads. Most of your patrons, you usually don't have to do this. But, you know. You can pretend is the end of the show. Yeah, there you go. And you're in the car and you're doing like difficult traffic

so you can't. I can't, I can't. Fuck, skip. I could crash. Why do they put touch screens in cars? That's so dangerous. I like it. My new car self-drives?

No, it doesn't. By which I mean I let go of it a lot? You do not have a self-driving Nissan Al-Tam. Dude, you thought I was a bad driver before. Oh, put me in a fucking Nissan. I'm Mad Max Road Warrior. I'm fucking, I'm lying.

I'm leaned all the way back. Just, yeah, fucking do it. Who cares? Oh, no, that man in a Nissan died said nobody ever. Seriously, I thought Jersey was going to legalize one Waymo just for you after that last accident. Right. We're not there yet. Waymo sexual.

Sorry. So, and we've got another, and this is going to be a fun one because Eli was literally writing this as we walked out of the door. So I haven't read it yet. I was busy. I'm no Eleanor. I was trying to get a massage. And all the massages were prostitutes. They were.

And it was actually really scary and sad. The first place I called, they were like, we only take eBay gift cards. And I was like, I've never heard of that before. I think I'll stay in my room, sore and alone. All right, Eli, are you ready to do the factor ad? Oh, no, Noah.

I have such a busy schedule. I forgot to write one. Well, Eli, perhaps our wonderful DC audience could help us. Oh, perhaps. Perhaps indeed. If you

have a weird fear of me doing this to you, just shake your head so that I don't have to get yelled at on Facebook later. It's going to be bad. That's the joke, is that I do a bad thing. So just shake your head. But if you're a little scared

and it'll hurt a little, and you then let me. Oh, somebody's escaping. We got one. We have an escapee right where Eli was going. All right. Okay, here we go. Ready? There we go.

Just the first two. What's your name? Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor. Here you go, Eleanor. Which line am I reading? The first two, Ellen, God!

You're already blowing this, Eleanor. There's a lot of colors. Factor meals are ready in two minutes and require no prep and no cleanup. So even on the days your schedule is completely out of control, eating well is still achievable. Holy shit, that was amazing, Alan. That was so good. That was so much better than Eli does. Eleanor?

Now nobody else is going to want to go because that was funny. That was too good and not funny. I'm going to find someone. You look a little shy, sir. Here, you come here. No, he shook his head. He shook his head. It's got to be based on consent.

Otherwise, it's not fun. You seem a little shy. Here, I gave you the hard ones. because it's got fancy words. What's your name? Ed. Here you go. You're going to do this big, fucking long chunk. Go ahead, Ed.

Take your glasses off. No, the fucking that one. Every week you'll find over... No, into the microphone. Ed, this is my livelihood. Every week you'll find over one... Like you mean it, Ed. Fuck!

People got to buy the not frozen meals, Ed. Fuck! Come to your job at the university where you teach and fucking up. Come on. Every week you'll find over 100 nutrient... Now you're just yelling, Ed. That's crazy. It's delicious.

Sell the deliciousness, Ed. Jesus. Every week you'll find over 100 nutrient-dense menu items to choose from and in new options like salmon burgers, shredded pork, collared greens, and more. Plus add-ons you'll crave like pumpkin-flavored cheesecakes and protein shakes. Those meat, fred! Fuck, yeah. Ed.

Ed. Ed. N. Okay, nice. Okay, stop. All right. But have you actually tried it? No.

You're supposed to try it. Fuck. Fuck. I have eating factor meals every week. Fuck. I do. I do. It's really good.

All right. Let's eat real. Head to fat. I don't trust you guys with a must-reed's part. This is where they asked for their money back just because I did Sean Penn crying in the background one. time. Because his daughter dying.

Got murdered by that kid with the hockey stick. Let's eat real. Head to factormeels.com slash 50 off and use your code 50 off to get 50% off. Nope, because you get the good. It's awful 50. You have to go back. Fuck, God damn it. You said you didn't trust them to do it.

You should let Eleanor do it. Eleanor fucking rocked it. My whole bit was about people messing it up. She fucking audio boomed the shit out of that in the first try. Audible hopes you've enjoyed this production. Nope, that's not even. Let's eat real.

Head to factormeels.com slash awful 50 off and use code awful 50 off to give 50% off and one free breakfast item. Fuck, we didn't even talk about that. Started it. Cute person who never had it. Do you like breakfast? Yes.

Good. See, it's personal. There we go. Well, you could have one free breakfast item per box for one year while supplies last until October 31st of 2026. How can you have it for a year if it's going to end? No, if you have to sign up before 10-3-1 of 2026. I got it.

Factor, you can't have your money. Quit arguing with the copy. You can't. Factor, you can't have your money back. I spent a lot of it on a car. That's code awful 50 off at factormeals.com. Awful 50 off at factormeels.com. See website for more details.

You know what? I'm going to do something nice for Eleanor because she did such a good. Fred, you did okay. Eleanor. Come here. Come here. Are you ready? This is for you.

Ready? Give me a what's factor. What's factor? She's on the... Nice. You're on the board. You're on the board now. You're on a very contentious board.

Heath will slash your tires to keep you from getting another point. I'm just warning you. Just check the tires before you get in the car. If you ever attempt another point, I'll kill you. All right. So just so you know, Eli, we're going to have to record a different ad

because you said, fuck, like 13 times. No, it's okay. Factor said it's okay. I don't think they did. No, they said. No, I don't think they did. All right. You'd be taking away Eleanor's art.

I would. I would. No, no, you're right. No, what's going to happen? Boo, boo, they said. Yeah, I'm going to have to add it for an extra 45 minutes now. So it's what's going to happen. Do it.

All right. This one's just sound. It's like the old time. It is. It's going to be so much easier. yeah. Silencing women. I'm going to be silencing you.

Eleanor's shit's going to get in there. I'm going to go back in and put the what's factor in there somewhere else too. All right. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249455 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC

and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI. Capernaing, Copyright 2026, All Rights Reserved.