God Awful Movies - 573: The Good Shepherd (2004)

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

This week, YouTube's own Andy King joins us for a movie that's asking "whodunnit?" while the rest of us are asking "who cares?"---Hear more from Andy here: https://www.youtube.com/@andykingyt ---If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

But the church sure is full now because they want to see who Father Christian Slater is going to investigate next. Oh, no, kids, we're going to church. Two weeks ago, he said, we're going to find out who murdered it. Apparently this weekend when we were there, he killed that guy. And he shot it's, you might get a little brain matter if you kneel down. Oh, right. No, it's like SeaWorld. You've got to pull up the little.

Yeah, exactly. I wish they had just shown like half of the churchgoers is just like. excited patrons. They're like cracking be ears and stuff. Yeah, right. Awful movie. Movies. Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because being a cat was not a career option, it turns out.

I'm your host, No Illusions. Heath is off this week, but sitting in 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Are you no illusions? Really? I am. Am I what here? Are you, though? Okay. Are you?

I see. And we're also excited to welcome. I'm going to go walk around my room for a little bit. Oh, it's slow motion. Everybody watch. Everybody watch. Would you like to brood? Check out.

Check out my space. Yeah, yeah, please, please. Hmm, sound foam. And we're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest massacist who's still trying to decide what to make it. Eli YouTube's very own Andy King. Andy, welcome to God off the movies. How's it going? What's going on?

You guys have been making stuff since I was. in high school. Oh, wow. Which is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna kill myself on camera right now, so that's fun. Someone record that. I was old when this movie was young, man.

Yeah. I mean, it is such an encapsulation of the times, no matter how old you are. I think that's the one thing that in my, in my final review of it, I didn't write down, but it is quite the 2004 film. It is.

Deeply 2004. Yeah, totally. This film, might as well sit there and defend the Iraq war while simultaneously saying that the TSA won't be so bad. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So TSA is still revolutionary. Yeah. Exactly. Right. Right. So, and let's clue the audience and tell us, tell us, Andy, what will we be breaking down today? Today we'll be watching the good shepherd. Actually, my bad. The confessor. Now. Yeah. Well, they're bad. They fucking. Yeah. I did. I did have to do a little bit of a a little bit of research as to why that happened.

And I didn't know that it was because of the much more popular movie, The Good Shepherd. So, there you go. Well, in their defense, it took them two goddamn years to find a direct-to-video release for this film. So, you know, if they'd come out a little quicker, they could have had that name to themselves. Two years of people falling asleep before they made it to the end of this film and then one guy. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the brooding crime dramas of the 90s, but you wish they'd been made a decade too late and about the least sympathetic group possible.

Oh, my God. You will love this movie. Let me explain something. This movie is beat for beat, moment for moment, an oppression drama of the late 90s, right? A tribe in South Africa, a young kid on the streets of Newark trying to make it good. except it's about priests who are always, always the Catholic priests and the Catholic church. The amount of times I had to pause this film and rewind to make sure that they were Catholic is astounding. It's astounding.

Right. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best, it being the worst out? It took me a minute on this one, but I'm going with best, worst, will they, won't they? Okay. Never before have I wanted a slow. burn will they, won't they? To wrap up yesterday. Yesterday, I don't care.

They're not going to, and I already know and I don't care. I would not watch them fuck. I mean, it would have been slightly less boring than the rest of the movie to watch them fuck. Sure, I mean, yeah, rather than this movie, yeah. There was a moment. There was a moment about 75% of the way through the film where my heart started to flutter.

I was waiting for a spicy scene, but we didn't get it now. So, spoiler. Spoiler. And I'm going to go with Best Worst. Give me your badge and guns scene. We'll get there when we get there. But it's the standard to which all will be held from now on. Gosh.

Yeah, we'll get it. And I'm going to go with Best Worst, Who Done It. Right. So this movie is kind of a murder mystery. And you, podcast listener, it might as well have ended up being the murderer. I mean, is it a character whose name we know and whose face we recognize? Shined up. If we were paying attention.

Yeah. If there is any reason to suspect him, it is completely fucking beyond. No, it's just, it's just he's not one of the ones you thought it was. So, huh? I guess they proved their point. Yeah. Truly, whodunit. Yeah.

All right. Well, this one's a mystery. So I need a minute to brush up on my Belgian accent. But we're back in a minute with all the. long shots of Christian Slater contemplating that are the Good Shepherd 2004, not the one with Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie, the direct-to-video one that came out the same year

and desperately changed his name to the confessor in the U.S. to avoid pissing off people expecting a good movie. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for The Good Shepherd and then later The Confessor. Hey, yeah. Okay, so this one's going to be a thrilling drama about a priest who's accused of murder.

Oh, and he did it? Well, see, that's the question. Did he do it? Yes. No. So, like, it turns out the victim was a male prostitute, but he was being counseled by the priest. Oh, he definitely did.

Definitely. No. Sorry, I didn't say this, but he says he didn't do it. Well, they all do that. Yeah, that's what people who didn't say. Okay. I didn't get to explain it, but there's going to be a church worker who's also,

pretty suspicious in the movie. Oh, they both did it. No, okay, guys, neither of them did it. Okay, it's going to turn out to be a totally different guy that did it. The priest didn't do it? No. Oh, I get it. It's a fantasy movie.

Oh, fun. Is there a dragon? God damn it. Maybe the dragon did it. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, Eli. What's the matter? Oh.

Noah, the capitalist cancer of infinite growth has infected my mindset, and I've lost the ability to be happy without the feeling of getting better. Yeah, no, that's no good, man. I know. But perchance, per chance, there's something that I could buy. Now, look, Eli, better is a feeling defined by you. And for better help, it's a better help therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global, emotional well-being,

with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. It's progress. Progress, you say. That's right. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better H-E-L-P.com slash awful. Okay, Noah. I'll deeply consider your advice and consider it.

But let me check eBay one more time for my purpose. It's not there, man. Let me check real quick. No. Please. Pretty please. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on this antiquating realization of just how old shit from 2004 can look, man.

Sorry, Andy, to start you off like this, but I had a moment. This movie can order a beer. Oh, God. It can, though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We get some Christian Slater here.

I feel like, let me say something brave. Let me open us up with a bold take. Christian Slater is the burned out gifted kid of Hollywood, right? Okay, he exploded into our hearts and ball sacks with heathers and then we just pointed at a camera at him for the next, what, 10, 15 years being like, come on. To lose heathers again.

Yeah. Make movie good. Well, see, the shame is that as soon as that musical happened, he was done. As soon as they casted a younger, hotter guy as JD, it was over. Yeah, it's never quite got over it. Yeah.

So, but before we get to Christian Slater, We get his name here, so we get the promise of Christians later. But first we have to meet our manhors. And I say that because that's how this movie is going to treat him. It's just, it's three guys, you know, earn and a living, sucking a little dick here and there. But they look like they're having a blast with it. They're having a blast.

Can I say I am so tired of people using people who might be minors, being sex trafficked and being such downers about it. In the early 2000s, we knew. Why did you add minors to this man? Because they're really young. But they're not supposed to be minors in the fucking movie. I think they're going to be there's no priests. Fuck them in the movie.

It's some other. That's true. You know what? Obviously, obviously they're over 18. They're definitely playing ageless. They're playing ageless for sure. Yeah. And the point is they're having a good time.

Sometimes you go out with your pals. You joke around. You put your buddy in a headlock. And then you sex traffic yourself to adults on the street. Yes. Yes. And Jens, he's not doing that. All your buddies see you off on the side of the road.

Scrolling on their phone. Asking chat GPT what to do. You know what chat GPT will never do? Sex traffic you to a strange adult on the street. But only because they haven't figured out how to do it. I do want to be very clear. Because I know people are listening in the backlogs, and there is a good chance that Astra just introduces the fact that it's sex trafficking

on the street. That's how you get tokens, yeah. It is a little comedic how game. they are for it, how they just kind of stand off to the side while their buddy gets in the truck like, hey, another day, another dollar. Yep. Yeah, see you later, bud. They have like songs that they're singing,

you know, whatever about it. Maybe the gentleman at the Home Depot should consider sexting themselves. All right, so, but elsewhere, we see a priest preying over a murdered guy, but then a lady looks in and he's got to run away, right? So that's our inciting incident.

Then we get our title over stained glass, and this goes on for a goddamn eternity. Yeah, it's, again, I hopefully won't dwell on it too much because it would be so boring for you, podcast listener. But there was truly this post-primal fear pre

someone good making a movie ever again, where really all we thought movies were supposed to be was just like lingering shots of the scene that had just happened. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, this movie loved to linger. Long fade. But yeah, so after

15 years of this, and I should point out, The movie's like an hour and 31 minutes long, so I have a feeling that these credits were stretched out for time. Get that Amazon. There was a quota. Yeah. There was a quota. But then we eventually resolve on Father Christian Slater,

just having told a very funny joke to a bunch of other higher up priests wearing, you know, really. What a way to immediately establish these priests as like these shittiest guys on the planet? What was the joke he was telling again about like? Well, the punchline was, it turns out, oh, I thought you were a Protestant. and it turns out you're just a prostitute. You know, teeing.

Yeah, we don't, way to establish them as holy men. Yes, right. Yes, exactly. Yeah, and so they leave and his buddy Henry shows up. Now, we'll never really establish what their relationship is or even what Henry does for a living. Like, he works for the church in some capacity, but he's not a priest, right? He just shows up when exposition needs to happen. Right, and he's also not his boss.

No. Or, and he doesn't work for him. He just seems to be aware of what is happening in the church at all time. Well, and occasionally urges him to do his job more properly or whatever. Or not to do his job. Yes, that too. There seem to be so many people in this movie who don't want him to do what he's good at doing. Yeah.

So, but he does establish at this point that he's like a good fundraiser for the church and that's the kind of his job, right? So then we get, we have him going back to his church. And there's this stupid, pointless scene where there's like a lurking priest outside smoking a cigarette that catches him as he's coming in. And he's like, hey, am I a jump scare? And like, no, you're actually not relevant to the film at all. He's like, oh, okay. In that case. This is what I'm saying. Why are all of these priests individually, like so rugged and self-damp? Right. Like, they're like, yeah. They're having beers, smoking cigarettes, like saying like, like whispering weird nothings into each other's ears as they pass. It's so on. They're so suspect. Well, so I think that we're trying to, like, establish a difference between these very worldly priests here and Father Andrews that we'll meet later that is the, like, the good, pure priest.

Lame. Yeah. If worldly, if worldly is like Da Vinci Code S. priesthood. Yeah. They're nailing. For sure. 100%. Yeah.

So, okay, but then he gets a very important call. He gets one of those, I'm on my way kind of phone calls, right? I never do that and I feel like I should. No. Right? Just pick up a phone here a second and a half of whatever someone said and then hang up on them. Sure. But yeah, but he has to go to this very important priest meeting full of priests and lawyers and people in, you know, very important looking regalia.

This is where they tell him about the fact that a priest was found hovering over a murdered guy last night. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Did anyone notice that he started his day checking stocks? I thought that was, I thought that was very, you know, very holy of him. Very 2004. You're in a tax-free religious institution that gets 10% of everyone's income. You don't need a fucking portfolio, man. You have a city made of Nazi gold.

Right, right? Like there aren't a lot of people who don't need to invest in the stock market. I would venture Catholic Church is one of those people. Hey, everyone's got their morning routine. That's true. Yeah, you know, yeah, you got to check and see. This is also where we will introduce the central conceit of this movie, which is the craziest possible conceit, which is that the Catholic Church is really out on a limb when a priest

does something wrong. Yeah, right, they don't know what to do about all this controversy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does he say? They're going to have a field thing. Yeah, the press is going to have a field thing. But that implies that they do shady shit in the first place. Right.

Right? It's like they're kind of like dog whistling themselves. Yeah. Well, that's what's so crazy about this movie. At no point will this movie go, I mean, we have a department for this. We've been fucking kids since the 50. Yes. Yes. So, okay, but now, but apparently the priest wanted to see Father Christian Slater personally, right?

That's who he requested. So now Father Christian Slater has to go see Father Andrews, the innocent murder suspect. And this is where we establish this. So again, it's like he'll only talk to you, right? So this is going to be a big twist, a huge personal relationship that will come up and reveal all the mysteries. No, it's, do you remember me from class? No. I don't.

You sure? Because I sat close to you. We talked. I borrowed a pencil from you. I will say I was waiting for him to be like, no, I'm just fucking with you. I don't know. It's like in the most serious situation possible, you know? Yeah.

And that is the end. end of their relationship. Right. They needed, the writer needed these two characters to be connected and that was all the work

he bothered to fucking too. So I bought you a drink. I can't, no, okay. And that's it. But this is where he explains that he's innocent,

but he can't tell him why he was there at the murder scene because doing so would break the seal of the confessional or whatever the fuck they say. It's my least favorite

trope in any of these movies. That is the single trope that makes this an hour and a half long. Yes. Really. If you would just confess, it would be over. Well, I wrote in my notes at this point, I'm like, yep, pretty much everything about confession is bad.

Yep. Right. And it's worth pointing out that a ton of this is bullshit, and they break these rules as a church all the time. So whenever it's a central concede, remember there's no basis in reality. There's also this moment where he goes, like, is there anything I can get for you? And he goes, I need my prayer book.

I left it back at the seminary. And so we're thinking, okay, there's some clue in this prayer book. This is going to come back and matter in some fucking way because we don't know how poorly written this movie is yet. I want to talk about one other thing about this scene because it is so bizarre to me. So he's fucking, hey, do you remember me from school? You bring me my prayer book? Would you like the left twigs or the right quicks?

And so eventually Christian Slater's like, hey man, did you do a murder? And he's like, dude, What? Yeah. He literally, he answers every single question in the sketchiest way possible. He's like, come on, man. Come on. You know where this is going.

It's like, no, we don't. Yes. I could have opened the record by accusing Andy of murder. And Andy probably would have responded less suspiciously, depending on how many murders he's done. True. Less suspiciously than Father Thomas does. Yeah.

There is apt, I just want to point out, aside from the fact that, that I've seen this movie, there is no reason to suspect that Father Thomas didn't do this murder. Right. No, not at all. So, but Slater's leaving, the lawyer, like Andrews's lawyer,

is walking, talking with him. But this is where we learned that, like, the press is all over this story, right? He walks out, there's like 15 reporters waiting for him out there, and they're like, hey, did you guys take a break from raping kids to kill people instead? No comment.

No comment. And then we see this reporter going. She's like, you know, another scandal hangs over the Catholic church. And I'm like, okay, so this movie is aware of the kid rape thing. Because like it was made in like 2004. That, you know, it was out by then. Yeah, we knew. It very much all feels like a not all priests sort of thing.

Yes, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. There's also, there's this moment where he's talking to his buddy Henry at the bar. And he goes, like, so, you know, can you get that priest to talk? And he goes, in act one? Come on. So then we cut to another priest meeting, right?

So Slater can explain where we are in the movie to someone else, right? He's just relaying what we just saw in the previous scene. Yes. So we have a whole scene where he does that. And he talks about, well, you know, the confession thing. It's our own fault. Right. And this is also the scene where we established that he doesn't want to solve the murder.

He wants to go to a fancy dinner in New York because he's a fancy dinner priest. Yes. That's murder-stopping priests. Once again, this is, when you guys originally reached out about this, you compared it to him being like a godfather-esque priest, he very much is. He's like sending nice bottles of champagne to people's tables. Like, that's not what priests do. Not red wine, if they have the portfolio for it, though.

Right, yeah. Depending on how their stocks are doing it. Yeah, no, yeah. Usually the priests are giving you a wine, it's a tiny bit at a time. Yeah. But yeah, but they tell Christian Slater, he's going to have to deal with this murder thing, damn it. He's the main character. So he says, all right, well, I'll tell you what we need to do is we need to get him on camera.

We need to get an interview with him on news. And they're all like, wow, that sounds like a terrible idea. Is there any reason for that? He's like, no, we wanted to introduce this news reporter character. So we're going to pretend like this makes sense. Oh, she's going to matter a bunch? She's going to be really interesting and move our actions. Can I say it the first time when she did her first newscast, like in the very opening when it's like her on the TV, I thought that that was going to be a one-off actress because her delivery there was so bad.

It was. It sounded like she was hiding an accent. Yes. Like it was almost like she was speaking broken English. I had to rewind it a few times to see what her accent might have been. And then when she appeared again, I was like, oh no. Yeah. Right.

Oh, no. She's the co-star of the movie. buckle in. Yeah. Yeah. So Father Christian Slater, he goes to the news, right, to set up this interview. And it turns out that him and that reporter, Madeline, go way back. Now, the movie will spoon feed us this as though something interesting is going to happen.

But they were dating back when Christian Slater decided he was going to become a priest. So. The only way I can describe the sexual tension here between these two actors is, have you ever seen where, like, someone manages to get in touch with a celebrity? because their elderly relative is being lonely heart scammed, and that celebrity has to make a video being like, hey, it's Keanu Reeves, just you know. That's how Christian Slater will treat this actress throughout the movie.

Yeah, she'll be like, it's been years, Daniel, and he'll be like, yep, sorry, what? It has been years. I don't think I know this. It is. Do we go to seminary together? It's a bit frustrating to watch at times. to watch him be so nonchalant about the fact that she's foaming over it.

Yeah, right. Yes, right. Yeah. Especially when he gives her that kiss on the cheek at the end of this scene. Right. Was she in no way invites? Yeah. No, not at all.

Like, there was no, there was no sense. There is like the feeling of will, they won't they? But then he just totally breaks through it with that kiss. Yeah. Yes. And also she's like, you know, at one point, because he's like, I want you to interview this guy that's been accused of murder. And she's like, do you think he's in a sense?

it and he goes like, you know what's good is bacon cheesecake? You wouldn't think that would work together, but if you put it together. The salty and the crunch is really good. Have you seen Heather's? I acted in that one. He's like, hey, I brought along a list of questions for you to ask him and he's like, fuck you.

What am I, a right wing podcast? Get the fuck out of you. And then he gets the cheat kiss. So, okay, so now we're setting up the interview and the lawyer is laying out the ground rules. I'm like, why the fuck would the lawyer agree to this? This is so bad for his client. Fuck, I wish someone would have asked me about this stupid press conversation.

Oh, man, my guy's so guilty. I will say, he is a pretty terrible lawyer. I think there's only one moment in this entire, like, interview session that he steps in. He's like, okay, that's enough. Yeah. And then they just push him back. It's great. So, yeah, so they dive right into the interview, and she's like, so how do you know this guy?

And he's like, you know, I was priesting him, you know, like priest do. And she's like, are you aware that he's like the man whore from the opening scene? And he's like, oh, yeah, you know, but he? No, I knew he was a manor. Yeah, 100%. And then, sorry, then he starts defending confession, you know, the concept of confession, right? This is where he's like, look, if people are afraid that we will share every little murder that they tell us about in the confessional, they'll stop telling us about their murders. Hey, it's me, Eli, I'm a prisoner in the other prison.

I'm okay with that. I'm actually okay. with your magic spell not working anymore in exchange for murders. Okay, so you don't understand. They tell us about their sexual improprieties too, and that's all. That's also, never mind them back in. Yeah. I'm going to get back to myself.

I don't want to say why I'm here, but I think we can all guess. To hit five hellmarries, get it up again. Yeah, right. Yeah. So. Have a gatorade. Yeah. But then he's like, but no, this is very important for the, for the, for the,

people and for the church, because I mean, we really have a monopoly on murder unburdening. It's a thriving business when you're the only game in town. And then there's this weird moment where she's like, okay, so did you kill the guy? And he says no, but he says it like he's considering it. Like there's so many O's in the no that don't belong there. No. The way that he responds to each question would have you think that they're developing some really deep, like psychological trauma.

with his character. Yes. Which I actually bet exists, but then, like, you never really see him again. Really? With the exception of, like, one other scene. We get one other real, real scene with him, yeah. So on our way out, we get Christian Slater now. He's walking, talking with Madeline.

And she's like, hey, he's like, hey, why did you bring up the thing about the kid being a, like a sex worker? Like, that really makes my guy look bad. And she's like, my job isn't to make a guy look good, dumbass. I'm the news. Also, there's no way to tell this story that doesn't make your guy look bad. Like, fuck it, let's sit down with a creative writing class at the local college and you try and fucking spin. Here's the story prompt.

I originally had the note written down that he would love truth social. But then I was just like, he's like just a huge fake news proprietor in general. He literally just wants to rewrite. He's like, hey, don't do your job. No. Hey, don't do that. Everything up. Hey, look, if we were all about the truth, we wouldn't be the fucking.

Catholic Church now, would we say? Exactly. But then she kind of points out, she's like, hey, you know, you're really leaving kind of hanging him out to dry by letting him do this interview. It's like you're trying to protect the church by throwing him under the bus. And he goes, it is like that. Yes.

Yes. That's my job, actually, is to do that. Oh, I'm so sorry, did you not realize that's what we were doing? Oh, my God. Girl, girl, girl, go, girl, girl, girl. Let me explain. Everyone is peasant soul fodder to us. We used to literally use their bones as the basis for our buildings, girl.

Oh, did you not know? We ground the poor into literal bricks for hundreds of years. And the only thing that stopped us is firearms. I'm so sorry. Hey, hey, we still need those donations for our real estate investment. We do. We do. Don't get us wrong.

Don't get us wrong. We don't want us driving your bones into paste again, do you? Yes, exactly. So, yeah, so then he goes. back to his little tiny apartment. And for a moment, I think we're like trying to establish how modestly he lives. But then like everything else we do is like, you know, fancy watch, fancy car with him. Well, yeah, what's the deal? You know what this made me think about? This made me, his end of the day routine made me think about, I have a childhood best friend who I found out

within the past couple of years is now a silent monk. And it's a whole like long story, crazy thing. But I do think about like people, like what do these people do in their free time? Yeah. Other than trading stocks. Well, obviously, trading a lot of stocks. What is he going home and doing other than, you know, praying? That's, you know, you've got.

Molesting children, but they're not going to show that in the movie. Well, no, he's taking a break from it. He's clearly taking a break from that. He's kind of doing a little bit of a, well, no, I won't go. I won't go too far. I appreciate it. So, but there is a moment where he lays down to sleep and the bed is just like comically small, right? It's like a surf bed for some reason. It's a fucking, it might as well be shaped like a race car.

I mean, it's pretty standard like run of the mill dorm room bed. Like I was in youth group back in the day and we would go on mission trips and that was like every church had their like sleeping quarters with the same bunk wooden beds. I guess that's it. That's like the priest's quarters or whatever. To think that that's the lifestyle, like, you know, I lived that temporarily for a couple of days every now and then the life. Yes, exactly. Not the lifestyle.

Committing to it forever is quite the choice. But then he's got to get back in the Cadillac. Well, right, right. Yeah. So then he's driving around this big Cadillac. But now we've got the scene where he's driving this big Cadillac over to the church that Father Andrews worked at to, you know, pick up that prayer book. And we meet the old lady groundskeeper here who is, I thought she was supposed to be a creepy

character, but then I thought she was supposed to be comic relief and now I just don't fucking know. Okay, can I say? I went through the exact same thing where I was like, maybe if I just make stuff up about this character, the movie will get interesting. She's the murderer. She's so static. I think she was supposed to be the comic relief. But the thing that confused me so much about her is like she was maybe the last character that should have taken on that role.

Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Stiff old lady. So there is a weird line here that I don't, I just think it's a bad writer. But the line is amazing. She goes like, you know, I want you to know that Father Andrews didn't do that.

You know, he's not the kind to do that. We've had some priests in here that. And I'm like, wait a minute. What? Look, every priest who I've taken care of has done a murderer or two. but not Andrews. He's the least murdery of all the priests

I know, yeah. Yeah, while you're at it, name some names. Yeah, right. No, I did. There's a confession. There's a magic spell. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, but he's got no follow-ups. He just gets the prayer book, takes Father Andrews mail and heads out. But this is where, like, we have, like, the second meeting with Andrews,

where he's read his mail now, and it turns out that there's some fucking gay shit in there. Oh my God. Okay, this is fucking, so, this is really exciting. Now that we have been on YouTube, Andy, I don't know if you've experienced this, but now that we've been on YouTube for six and a half minutes, yes. Occasionally, people who have found us through YouTube will be like, hey, are you interested in joining this drama that you've heard nothing about? Now, as someone who wasted decades of my life and also a tremendous amount of no illusions mental health trying to get involved in podcast drama, I have since learned my lesson and I'm like, oh, no, thank you. That's what this movie is. It's like, oh, maybe you've heard of equality. It's a movement from the late 90s, early 2000s, that tried to create a separate service where gay men could receive communion. And I'm like, no, I'm fucking happy.

No, actually. But thanks for letting us know. What's your goal in letting us know? That is my other thing with this movie is like, every time they give us a bit of real world, you know, knowledge, you know, something that happens in the real world, I'm like, so why do you want us to know this? do you want us to know that this pedophilia is going on?

Oh, which, by the way, in this scene, it seems like they're kind of torn on how they should weigh pedophilia and being gay. Yes. He's like, do you want, he's like, people are going to think you're gay and a pedophile. But we're not going to, we're not going to make any distinction between those two things. Yes, yeah, exactly.

Which one's worse? Question mark. Right. Yeah, the movie has no fucking idea because it's really, 2004. Yeah. He's like, you know, and I wrote my notes at that point, because the line is basically, hey, if you counsel gay people, you know, folks will think you're a pedophile. And I'm like, no, no, no.

The fact that you're a Catholic priest means people are going to think you're a pedophile, bro. I don't, I, this is that the correlation goes the other way here. Honestly, admitting that you're gay seems to be the, the, makes me believe that you're a pedophile less. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But yeah, at this point, Andrews is like, you're just worried about the church's reputation instead of the souls of suffering men and he gets all preachy on him and everything.

And he's like, oh my God, did you not hear? I'm so sorry. Let me explain. So the bricks, right? The bricks were originally made out of murder, but bone dust. We were we about this. We went to seven. We taught us in class. I do just find it so funny how like he went through all this trouble of getting Slater there to be, he's like, it has to be this guy. This guy has to pray for me. But it seems like all he wants to do is tell him how bad. of a priest. Right. How much holier than thou he is. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, do you, you want me to leave? Right? You want me to leave? Actually, yeah, this guy is a pedophile. I fucking get him. I want me to leave. All right. Well, I'm pretty sure that's priest for getting served. So we need to give Christian Slater a

minute to apply some ointment, but we're back in a flash with even more of the good shepherd. Father Clements, thank you so much for coming. Of course, Father Thomas. They said you wanted to see only me. I did. I did. Do you remember me from from class? Not really. Oh. Oh. Sorry, what did you need from me?

Nothing. I just, I wanted to ask if you remembered me. Oh, that was it. God, okay. Hey, while I'm here, did you murder someone? Father Clements, what are you asking me? I understand. What do you mean? What do you mean? What am I? I'm a priest. A man of the cloth. Right. You're a priest who's been arrested for murder. I can't believe this.

You can't believe that you've been arrested. My best friend from seminary. I don't remember you at all. My fellow brother of the cloth accusing me of murder. This is what I thought you wanted to talk about. You said you'd only talk to me. And again, you're under arrest for murder. Oh. Yeah. I sat like three rows back on the left-hand side. I don't remember, man. Okay. It's a lecture?

And then you pay me $50 for the weasel farm. No, don't hang up. Dang. Hey, Eli, what's the matter? Hey, Noah. I'm trying to get some extra scratch for my weasel farm, but nobody supports my dreams. Well, that's because they're bad, Eli. But, hey, if you want to save some money without alphabetically bothering the

contacts on your phone, you should try Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps who find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money can track your subscriptions and has the ability to cancel unwanted ones with the app and a few taps, giving users an easy way to stop paying for things they don't use. Why, that's a great way to save money. It sure is. Plus, the app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single

dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. All right, Noah, thanks.

Now, what if I told you that the average weasel has more down than a goose twice its weight? The answer is still no, man. Twice the down. He's up there. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the inaction with Christian Slater driving to that gay-ass church that Father Andrews was going to, that equality church.

And can I spoil something? This turns out not to have anything to do with the movie. No relevance. Not at all. He goes here. It doesn't matter. We're going to get a red herring about who killed the kid, which we'll talk about in a second.

But like, there are what, 15 minutes of this movie that turn out to be about literally nothing? Nothing. Nothing. This scene, like, in a nutshell, is he goes into the church. Someone clocks him for not being gay, says, you should probably get the fuck out of it. And then he leaves. And then he comes after him and he says, actually, I'm sorry, I was a little worked up. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I was supposed to be expositing and I ran you off. What am I even fucking doing? And this guy must just walk around in his life just constantly spilling exposition to every fucking buddy, right? One must imagine. Because he's just like, because Christian Slater's like, yeah, well, you know, I was curious about Father Andrews. And he's like, Father Andrews, why he's the one who was arrested for this, but blah, blah, blah. It just tells us everything we need to know, including the fact that the prostitute kid was in the habit of blackmailing his Johns sometimes, right?

Right. In case anybody's wondering why someone might have murdered him. Now, I want to be clear that it is just sloppy writing, but the way in which this character talks about the kid is, I'm the murderer. I thought he was the killer when he was talking. He was like, shakes his little ass. I was like, bro. Well, yeah. He's like, you have to think that knowing the person was murdered, you would keep the and I'm glad to yourself.

Yes, right? Can't stop thinking about that little ass. Rest in peace. Yes. My six-year-old has begun to read children's mysteries, which he likes quite a bit. And if you've ever read children's mysteries, it's always a stolen cake,

and then someone walks in and goes, I got to get this frosting off my hand. That's how this character talks about this. He might as well be covered in blood, and then at the end, just be like, I'm from the butcher shop. Because again, he didn't do it. This movie is terrible.

It has nothing to do with anything. Could we, I'm sorry, I will say, could we argue, though, and not to give the film too much credit, which I'm about to do, like, around the middle of this film, could we argue that they do a consistently good job throughout the film of throwing us off the track?

I mean, sure, because the track is nuts. Think of a number between one and a hundred. That's the other hand. I was thinking of three. Yeah. The track is a fucking piece of dental floss, like, pulled across a ravine or something.

So it's fairly easy, but yes, they do. So yeah, so this guy's telling them all about how much that murdered kid deserved to be murdered. And then we learned that this was also Madeline's source, right? Because he was wondering how she knew that the kid used to be, that the victim used to be a prostitute. Well, it was he talking to this fucking exposition guy, right? It's all this guy does. They actually, it wasn't even the church. They were reaching for the same apple at the supermarket.

He was like, hey, sorry, real quick. Go ahead and take that. Little whore ass. Just, uh, married man. So, but then Slater goes to see, I haven't been down to Slater because I can't just say Christian in this movie, right? So father Christian Slater goes to see Madeline. Uh, yeah. Madeline has a monologue in this scene that like, whether you want to look at this fortunately or unfortunately, like, I watched it twice because it was pretty well done.

Okay. Like the acting. She worked on this with her coach. You can tell. Yeah. She worked on this one before the shoot. Oh, yeah. whole like, you know, I was supposed to be proud of you for leaving me thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Week one of shooting for sure. Yes. She's got a lot of energy. Yep. And again, like this scene might have been interesting if Christian Slater didn't look at her the way someone

looks at me when I don't realize they don't like those kind of jokes, right? She's in the midst of doing it. Right? And he's like. Yeah. Yeah. So, and then, and he's like, you know, I felt a calling to help the poor. And she's like, well, actually, you don't.

In any way, right? You're a PR guy for a child rape cabal and he's like, right, no, I am, though. I am that. Yeah. I'm sorry, is this guy actually good at his job? It's just, it doesn't make sense to me. Because people either want him to do his job better or not do it at all. No, that's true. Right. Right. They're giving us mixed messages on this shit. Yeah. I don't really know why this story revolves around him. Really? Yeah. Because he went to seminary with the, with the guy. I don't know if you weren't paying attention earlier, but he, they sat two. It's back. Yeah. That's it. That's it. That's so amazing that the writer was just like, that's, that's, that's enough to carry the film. I feel like they could have played. We couldn't have at least gotten a flashback. Right. You know. Sure. Or, hey, since this movie has nothing

going for it, why don't you put a complex relationship that we can flashback to and slowly reveal between these two? How funny would it be if we got a flashback. to the two of them in the back of class. And it's like a total one-sided memory where Father Andrews was like talking to, he was talking to Slater and Slater wasn't even listening and just paying attention in class. Just talking to a brick wall the whole time.

It's a series of like one-offs of them in conversation. But then it flashes back later and he's alone. Yeah. Right. Right. Just totally insane. Yeah. So okay. I love church.

So now we're back at the fucking priest's smoke-filled room to talk about how. Oh, no, wait. She gets the phone call, right? This is where she gets the phone call that Father Andrews is dead. Okay. I want to point something out. I spent the rest of this movie every time they introduced a suspect going,

okay, well, how would that person get into prison and murder someone? Right? Yes. But don't worry. The answer, let me spare you the time podcast listener. The answer is, fuck you. Fuck you. The person who did it, I don't know how they got in.

Nobody. There's no connection to prison. at all, yeah. Yield, Euststein, you know? Right, exactly. That's what it is. Yeah.

Well, Malley. I actually, I should be a lot more upset. I didn't even think about the fact that they didn't tie that loose end up. Yeah. And you want to know,

you know, why? Because the Epstein situation has been so normalized that I don't bat an eye when someone randomly dies in prison. Yeah, more than people. Randomly get murdered in prison all the day.

Happens all the time. So, okay, so now he goes back to his bosses They got to figure out how to spin the suicide, right? And Father Christian Slater doesn't really think it was a suicide. He was hung in the, or he was hanging in the showers, but he doesn't buy that he hanged himself. And again, the concept of this objection is like, no, no, no, guys, he wouldn't kill himself.

He loved heaven. And everyone else in the movie is like, oh, no, he's, he was lying. That's what we're saying to you, Christian Slater. And he's like, no, no, no. Because he wouldn't tell. And it's like, again, lying about the murder he did. He committed. That's the other explanation.

And what is this bullshit with him instant? Like now he's all of a sudden, he's like, no, I believe him. And I have every reason to. Why? What fucking changed you? That lady, the caretaker lady was that convincing? You could tell she can sniff out a murdery priest when she sees one? Something tells me that they were trying to tie it to a moment earlier where Father Andrews.

I think they're trying to tie it to the moment where Father Andrews, I think they're trying to tie it to the moment where Father Andrews said he was praying for Daniel. Oh, and he's like kind of having this like, oh, he died praying for me kind of a thing. Yeah, okay. This post-mortem thought now where he is like, oh, yeah, he was like a martyr for me or whatever. And now he feels this like. Wait a second. How did you get into the church?

Oh, once again, like, here we go with this bullshit. It's like he didn't ask to be prayed for. No. I hate when people are like, oh, yeah, I'm going to pray for you. No, because you know what? Well, obviously, we'll get on to the next scene where we find that. out what happens next. But it just gets him into more bullshit that he doesn't need to be doing.

Right. Yeah. But first he's got to go and he's got to read the press release that they've prepared for him. Now, keep in mind that his job is the PR guy. That's what he does. And they're like, we've written a press release. You have to go say it. He's like, no, I write press releases for you.

This is backwards. But they make him go outside and read the press release. And then all the reporters are trying to get by to ask him more questions. They've got a couple of guys like holding everybody back. But only Madeline knows about the side. So she comes out from the side and she gets him, like, you know, she gets a couple of extra questions in. She gets him with the zinger. She's like, am I supposed to be proud of you now?

And it was like, girl, not the time. Yeah. Hot fire. Well, there's also, there's this moment where he like, you know, she's like, you know that's not true. You know he didn't kill himself. And he angrily crumbles up the press release and he throws it away. But he does that in full view of the press that he just read that release. Hey, did you not like that release you?

Red. Seems like you're having a sloppy, dramatic moment. Yeah, can I have that? Yeah, right. So then he goes to see, like, this different cardinal or bishop that I don't think we've ever met, but they all kind of look the same to me to ask if he can take over Father Andrews's church. Dude, I thought this guy was the killer too. I thought he was too. Why not? Because, yeah, he has this weird, they have this conversation, and then he has this weird parting line. I don't know exactly what he's, says, but like he says this weird, like, implicating thing before he walks away. Yeah, he says something about like be carefuls not following the Cardinals orders or whatever something.

Don't say no to the Cardinals. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck? Okay. And he what? He's going to molest me? Right.

Well, don't. Obviously. Oh, he said he didn't. Oh, yeah, he said he didn't. Yeah, but this bishop or whatever the fuck this guy is, he goes like, you know, wouldn't you rather be doing high-powered business stuff and eating dinners in New York city? And he goes, no, no, no, I gave him my word that I would take care of things. He's like, oh, well, you know, okay.

Okay, if you say the movies about that now, I guess the movie will be about that now. So now, so he, we get a scene of him moving into Father Andrews' church. This week, we get, we meet the old lady caretaker again. And they're supposed to be this, like, this place sure is crappy moment, but so was his last place, right? Like that little tiny place with the little tiny bed also sucked. also we have seen oh boy is my church poor as a weird

plot point more times than I can count and it's so bizarre it would be like if a running joke on this show was he's poor because we don't pay him it's you your church give the church you don't pay taxes

you have a city made of Nazi gold just yes it's a Catholic church church yeah give the other what are you fucking the tax man it's literally the old only reason your church is ever poor is because you really had to pay out with all the kid fucking right. That's it. That's the only reason. Can I also just say he there's all of these like obviously the the Christian Slater lingering shots, but the amount of shots have been walking around like,

hey, you know, like it's a bit of a fixer upper, but it'll do. You know, it's like as if this isn't what every single Catholic church in the country looks like. Right. They're all, yes. They're all old and they all look straight out of the 70s because that's when they were built. No, they look as similar as fucking olive gardens. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And then we get this scene where like Father Andrews' mom shows up and we think maybe

she's the killer because otherwise why the fuck would we have a scene where they spend five minutes having tea together? Yeah. And she sucks. She's terrible. She's pretty awful. She's the worst. Yeah.

She's like, you know, my son told me you were a good man. She said you're the only recognizable actor in this thing so I can trust you. I saw Heather's. Will you act with me? No. But yeah, I guess she was just there to give him some motivation or something. And he's like,

no, I've already moved into his church. I don't need that. I'm already motivated in a different manner. Yeah, well, guess what? This is the problem I was talking about. She's like, yeah, he said you were a good man. Like, he prayed for you. And look where that got him.

Yeah, he has two church jobs. Right. Exactly. And he's missing his dinner in fucking New York. Yeah. So, okay. So then we get this long scene of him going through and he's like running his finger over stuff in the church like a like a bitchy mother-in-law or something checking out all the bestments. And then he has to do confession, right?

So he goes to their little confession booth. Oh, and also every just everyone's there. Like he walks directly over to the confession booth like after doing his long like strut through the church. So there's probably people lined up like watching. Right. Yeah. As soon as he goes over. Father, I got work.

Can you do less of a dramatic? It's like a bathroom on an airplane or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Five Hill Marys. Five Hill Marys. Yeah.

So we get the first confession. And it's this kid from like the homeless shelter nearby. And he explains that he, that the lady who runs the shelter makes the kids go confess there. Yes. Right. Yeah. And there is Sunday school. Yeah.

That is literally Sunday school. Really. So. And there's, I thought the only funny. moment in the entire movie and the movie steps on its own fucking joke. He goes, hey, look, you know, this is confession. You don't have to confess if you don't want to. Hello?

Hello? Yeah, it's gone instantly. Which would have been funny if Christian Slater hadn't gone, huh, he actually left is the punchline of that joke. Oh, yeah, because he has to narrate what was funny. Yeah. Yeah. You know.

And then the next person who comes in for confession is his friend Henry, because it's time for exposition. Hey, do you remember Henry? Do you remember Henry? That's the friend who's associated with the church but doesn't work there? Yeah. Make sure you keep Henry. He could be important later.

Fucking remember who Henry is. Henry telling you. Every time Henry shows up, he is depressed. I was, I mean, waiting for his death to come. Yeah. You know, at every moment I thought he was going to die. Who's the main detective in V for Vendetta? He was.

That's why he looks so familiar. Yeah. So, okay, so, but he and, he and Henry go to the kitchen to eat some stew and explain what the point of this part of the movie is. Oh, my God. Right? Because Henry wants him to go back and be a high power business priest. And he wants to stay back here and investigate crimes for some fucking reason. This meal was the epitome of mundane church life.

Like, this is what I believe the five to nine after the nine to five to be. Sure. Truly, yes. The stew looks horrible. It does. The kitchen looks dated and dilapidated. It does. Oh, the wine.

They're drinking a communion wine. The communion wine and the screw top bottle. It just looks like slop. It's pretty fucking sad. Yeah. There's also this moment where like Christian Slater forgets to say grace because he's so worldly. Oh, yeah. He's not Catholic.

He's not Catholic enough. Christian of him. Yeah. And that stew doesn't seem to sit right with him after dinner when they're walking out. He's like rubbing his stomach. Oh, I missed. He's kind of right. He doesn't look in pain, but with the amount of stew that was on his plate,

I can only assume the fact that he was rubbing his stomach meant that it wasn't sure. There is a moment here too where they're eating the stew and like he's like, you know, Henry is like, I got to warn you. There's, you know, something's coming down the pipe here. This movie could get interesting any minute now. No, I don't believe. I don't think it does.

So, okay. So now he's sermoning on Sunday morning. and this is where we get the title drop. This is my favorite scene of the entire movie. I love this scene. It's awesome. So here's a thing. In a well-written movie,

what happens is when the priest has had their character turn, right? And they're about to dedicate themselves to figuring out the murder. They would give a sermon that hints that they've had a change of heart, right? Perhaps a story from the Bible that lets everybody know they're on the case. But instead, he's like, that guy did it to a murder and I'm going to find out who fucking did it the end of my sermon

and his whole church which again this is his first sermon as their new pastor are like okay I'm not dominus minnie manna I'm only here because my wife

won't fuck me if I don't come to you I don't want to be in the murder mystery go now with you just imagine the usual crowd at a Catholic church, even in 2004, right? Old ladies, husbands hoping they'll get fucked just being like, oh, did you hear that? The priest's going to solve

a murder. I don't know why you would tell us about that. But of course, can you imagine? Imagine the car ride home after that sermon, you know, just total silence until the doors closed, and then it just, everyone goes buck wild. Hey, kids, I don't want you to go to confession of that guy. He's solving

a murder. You're like, that was awesome. No, we're going to go. to St. Christman's. Yeah. So yeah, but then, of course, there's a plant from the church that hears him say this and then grumbles his way out to go to the pay phone to tell, you know, to warn him, oh, he's going to solve the murder. So, okay, so then Father Christian Slater shows up at the shelter to see the lady who's making kids go to confession. This is Mrs. Gallagher, and I wrote my notes at this point, motherfuckers, you don't get to add suspects 54 minutes into your fucking movie, okay? Which they sure fucking do.

Yeah. Miss Gallagher's going to fucking star in this last 37 seconds of film. I guess. He goes up to her and he's like, hey, are you the one like forcing kids to go to confession? And she's like, fuck you. Fuck you. You piece of shit. You come here into my stew kitchen and tell me which children I can and can't abuse.

I'll fucking kill you in my parents. And look, if I may offer something brave, the only way one could be fooled into thinking that this is suspicious behavior is to have never met a woman of Irish descent over the age of 50 because this is all of them. This is all everyone. You show me, you know, I always say I'll stop believing in astrology when you introduce me to a nice Scorpio. I'll stop, I'll start suspecting this character when you introduce me to an Irish woman

who doesn't talk this way to absolutely everybody. At all times. An Irish Catholic for that, madam. Yeah. Yes. Okay, maybe, yeah. But yeah, but he says, you know, maybe I can help you. And she's like, fuck you in your fancy car.

Get the fuck out of here. And she sends him back. I will say they take great care of that car. I went back to make sure every single shot. It is in pristine condition. Oh, yeah. Fresh out the car wash. All right.

They were not allowed to scratch that fucker up. All right. So back home that night. It's a loner. We have this like long, fuck me. Okay. So Christian. is asleep in the church and hears a noise.

So he's like, oh, maybe it'll be any single fucking thing happening in this goddamn movie. So he walks around in search of a jump scare. Now, at this point, I'm watching at 1.5 speed. And this- Three speed. No illusions. I was at 3x speed. I was at Benny Hill levels of speed. And I was still bored watching the movie.

This was actually, ironically, the like one point in the movie where I really did slow down because I was noticing so many stupid things about this moment. That story-wise made absolutely no sense. Okay, he starts this like on his bed, just like champ chilling on his phone. Obviously. And he's like, I don't know. Oh, he's talking to, what, Mark? Is his name Mark?

The guy who just keep Henry? Henry, yeah. Henry? Yeah, he's like, I'm a little busy. No. But then again, he's the guy who just decided to take on two jobs because it was. was his calling. And a murder mystery. And a murder mystery. So if he is a little busy, then it's his fault. Yeah, I said if he is busy, it's a terrible excuse because he made it very clear earlier

that he wanted to take on two jobs, that it wasn't going to be too much work. Right. Okay. And then, well, you can continue, but his first weapon that he grabs when he goes to investigate the noise is an umbrella. Mary fucking Poppins up in his shit. He holds it upside down. Yes, wrong. Like, if you were going to hit somebody with an umbrella, that would be a really bad way to do it. Well, his grip is so specific on it as well. I can't get over it. He grips it directly at the center.

So I just want to know how he was planning to use it. Yeah. It feels like he was going to offer them fresh ground pepper. Yeah. No, literally. Literally. Literally. But eventually, though, eventually, and I do mean eventually, it's a couple of kids from the shelter that have escaped from the shelter and are sleeping in the base.

of the church because Mrs. Gallagher is scary. And again, we have already established that. The kid from confession earlier said that Mrs. Gallagher sucks. Then we went and talked to her and she sucked. This scene does not add anything to the Mrs. Gallagher sucks thing. No, I would disagree. I would disagree because in this scene, we learn that Miss Gallagher punishes them, not just regularly, but bad.

Oh, that's right. You know what that's true. She does. She punishes them bad. There's also this moment with Christian Slater where he's like, okay, you can stay here, but you can't stay together because it's a teenage boy and a teenage girl, right? And it's supposed to be this very like, you know, we're going to keep things proper here. But what it actually is is you stay here teenage boy.

I'm taking your girlfriend with me. Are you aware of dips? Okay. She's going to lick her real quick. Yeah, this is how you take care of a woman. No, no, no. He does another great thing in this scene that was weird and specific. and it just made me giggle because they decided to keep it in.

When he throws the door open to the room that they're sleeping in, he goes to turn the light on. He knocks over the sign that tells you to turn off the light when you leave the room. And they like keep it in. Amazing. Well, now that light's going to be on forever, right? No, no. I thought it was lovely.

So delightfully ironic. Yeah. So, okay. So then it's the next day and he's chatting with the caretaker lady, Mrs. Donnelly. Apparently the kids left in the night, right? He wakes up in the morning and there are nowhere to be found. And then we watch him dial a goddamn phone number with a fucking rotary phone. And you wonder why we even bothered keeping the technology before we came up with a keypad.

He does nothing behind how frustrated he is by it either. Yeah. He is pissed. So many fucking nine. I feel like we came up with 911. We didn't have the rotary phone in my. mind when we did that. But yeah, but he's calling Madeline for a meetup.

And she's like, oh, hey, you know what? Meet me in the middle of my live broadcast in front of City Hall. Because that's what he pulls up to, right? Clearly that's where they decided to meet. And then he fucking tells her about the last scene or two. And she points out, she's like, well, you know, that Mrs. Gallagher seems quite suspicious. And he goes like, hey, you know what?

Now that you mention it, she is a little suspicious. You know, it wasn't the first two groups of children that separately said in vagaries that she was abusive or her incredibly suspicious behavior. But now that you mention it, let's do a priest and a reporter stakeout. Yes. Once I got over my feelings being hurt, my head became a little clearer. I guess so, yeah. So, okay. So, yeah, now Christian Slater and Madeline are staking her out.

Ultimately, she leaves the shelter and she goes to the church. church, his church, right, the one that he just took over. So he confronts her on her way out. Madeline looks around and it turns out that she's got a tape recorder where she's been recording these kids' confessions. But this movie is from 2004. And so he's like, I found your secret tape recorder. So here's the other thing too.

Like if you had a tape recorder like that, if you've ever worked with a tape recorder, those tapes, they have like 24 minutes. or something worth of... Seconds. Yeah, it's absolutely nothing. So, like, how was it being turned down? It makes you... She'd have to have, like, a series of them.

That's true. Right. Oh, hey, it's me, Mrs. Donnelly again. Also, I fucked a dog or something. Clay... Are you changing a tape? No, I fucked a dog. And I want to know what I should do about it.

All right. Those are my hair of Marys that you're hearing. Yeah, right, right. But yeah, they figure it out, and he's like, have you been listening to these children's confessions? And she's like, I don't have...

to answer to the legs of you and I'm like I feel like you do though because you literally do he's the head of the church that was a crying she says uh this isn't over she's not a priest it's not you don't have fucking it's in one way state no yeah but so she storms out of there and they just let her fucking go and then madeline is like you want to listen to these confessions though credit to Madeline there because that's exactly what I was telling us. What's so fucking things? What about the weird, you know, because I'm very pissed off by this will day, won't they? This weird moment of connection where they're like going behind the altar and she's like they're trying to make it like romantic and whimsical.

She's like always wondered what happened back here. So mysterious. That doesn't sound cool like you think it does. No, it sure doesn't. You know, you don't want to know what goes on back here. Yeah. So yeah, she follows him to flirt. And he's like, no, I'm still a priest.

and Jesus looks at him like, well done. We see it like we cut to Jesus on the fucking cross going like, all right, well, I didn't have to die for that one at least. All right. Well, literally closing the door on the sexual attention is such a perfect metaphor for this movie that we kind of have to pause there. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Is the murderer, the cardinal, who keeps steering our hero away from his investigation? Is the killer the sinister woman who runs the shelter with an iron fist to protect her dark secret? Or will it turn to, out to be somebody with no motivation we could have possibly discerned until he spells it out in the fucking confession at the end of the movie because this movie was written by an idiot. Find out the answers to these questions and that's it.

When we return for the guy in the hat killed another guy in the hat conclusion of the good shepherd or the confessor if you're not listening to this in Canada. Hello? I'm on my way. Hey, sorry. I'm not sure why I did that. Who is this? Craig.

Got it. Got it. What's up, Greg? Nope. I am on my way. I am actually on my way now. Sorry, Craig. Me again.

Which bowling alley? The one on Washington Avenue. Okay. I am sorry. I don't know why I do that. I think it's a phone anxiety thing. Like I'm afraid of the silence of when the call is over, but you haven't hung up yet.

So I just kind of, I want to rush there. You know? Well, no, no, I just want you to know that, like, I appreciate you. No, I heard you. Yeah, bowling alley is on fire. Got it. Coming right now. I love you.

Hey, Craig. Sorry, one more. I don't love you. I just, I said that as an I'm getting off the phone thing. And you know, you got it. Okay, I just, I didn't, it's not that I don't like. Okay, I'm coming. I know, there's a fire.

There's a fire. I'm coming. I'm coming. I couldn't hear that at all because of the headphones. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm no illusions here with a very important message. As those of you who support us,

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And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with a guy tailing Christian Slater, like watching him shake hands with parishioners on the way out of Sunday services. Right? He's smoking a cigarette standing off to the corner. And I just kind of wanted Christian Slater to look up and go, like, I can fucking see you, man. You're very obviously right there half behind the corner.

It's like someone signing autographs. Like, yeah, one second, fella. Yeah, I'll be right over. I'll be right over. But then Henry swings by. He's got some bad news. There's been a complaint about Father Christian Slater. So he goes to the principal's office, right?

The priestly principal's office. It turns out that Mrs. Gallagher is there to issue a formal complaint about him harassing or following her around and shit. And because. you can't have a poorly movie without the character won't just say what happened to end the conversation. And so he doesn't say, oh, I'm sorry, I discovered that she was taping people's confession, the sacred right of which we protect life, limb, and liberty to defend. Instead, he goes, I mean, you know, Irish ladies, they like that. And they're like, no. Yeah, he's like,

we're the Catholic Church and we don't think Irish ladies be like. I also, I think it's so, I, I guess, Yes, hey, call him a martyr, call him humble, but he had no reason to be like, hey, that's just her being her. She walked him down for. Yes. That was a whole readdown, and it was lethal. Well, there's also, because they push her out, right? They're like, well, thank you for bringing us to our attention. And then they.

Sorry, if you're in the room, he's going to say the obvious thing that happened anymore. Right, right. Because we can't possibly write it such that he doesn't write. They push her out. And then he goes, she was taping confessions. And they're like, taping confessions. shamping confessions. What we really have to worry about.

There's even a moment where, like, he says that, you know, she's been taping confessions, and one of them goes, did you listen to my confession? I mean, the confessions? What was your favorite part?

I mean, no, no. Let me explain. Okay, it's not like foxes that look like foxes. It's, they're sexy lady foxes.

They got, they got like tits. But then they dropped the bomb on. him, they know that he went to gay church and sat in it for eight seconds. They're like, we know you went to equality. And he's like, well, I didn't say mass there or give communion. I didn't even do my magic spells. Didn't even use my powers.

I was just curious. Literally. I just wanted to go see how it feels. Yeah. But they say that that counts. That's enough. So as a punishment, they're going to send them to New York to go have lunches and dinners and do banker stuff.

Oh, yeah. And that's when they're like that. like, that's when they're like, you just forget about it. You can't save St. Dominix. But like, clearly he can. Like, we just saw him letting out a well-attended mass. Yeah. So, you know.

To be fair, it was well-attended because they were like, no, no, no, no, you got to come to mass. He declares himself a set of enemies and vows to end murder. You guys got to see this shit, okay? I promise. He's not going to do, like, the Apostle of Thomas. He's going to fucking promise to solve a murder. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

Yeah, when I was growing up, it was always about, like, oh, how fast. is this priest talk. Like which one talks the fastest? Which one talks the slowest? No, no, no. You want this guy to talk as slowly as possible. You want every detail. Milk it.

So yeah, but they say, like, here's a first class ticket to New York to go do banker important stuff. And he goes, I'm not going. And then we get my best worst, right? Where they ask for his clerical badge and his gun. And what does that include? No one. Yeah.

Oh, let's see. It was his car and his watch and his ability to do his, they say, you can't say you can't say mass or hear confessions anymore. His watch is probably probably the biggest question mark to me is the watch. Look, I haven't admittedly, I'm not super familiar with what they issue, standard issue at the Catholic Church, because I'm afraid I'll run into an Irish woman over the age of 50 if I go there, but I don't think they issue the watch. I don't know if you've seen the Vatican. A lot of watches running.

They've got a Rolex or two to handle. Yeah, I feel like if probably do have extra watches that they need to do something. Standard issue, standard issue, I would say. Yeah, and they take away his ability to use his magic powers. And then they make him give them back his credit cards, right, his business cards. And then, and they take his car keys. But, like, he's just, like, out at some dude's house. And there's no Uber back then.

So he just has to walk out into the snow now. It's like nine hours to walk back. But then, okay, that night he's back at the church. Oh, they tell him like, you know, you've got to move out within a week. And he's like, I'll be out by the end of the day. And he's not, right? Because he's asleep that night there. And then he hears a banging at the door.

It's the boy of that couple of the kids that slept at his church for a night looking for the girl. But she's not there. The boy tells Father Christian Slater that he thinks Mrs. Gallagher took her and has her kidnapped in her basement or some shit. And he's like, sure, no, that I go. Why would I not think that you were an imperfectly credible source on this? Are crimes illegal in this universe? No, obviously not, because otherwise they would call the police.

No, Catholicism is law, okay? Yeah, he's literally like, I'll get my reporter friend and we'll go over there. And I wanted to get to be like, oh, no, I went to an adult, but I want you now to call the police, please. Yeah, why would you? Yeah. And thank you. Actually, how many times do the police appear in this film outside of the police department? Oh, interesting.

I think it's just the one. I think it's just the one. Right? Well, they, yeah. It's like, they really are using, they're really using Catholicism as law. When they appeared at the end of the movie, I wanted someone to be like, the police. Oh, fuck. Oh, God.

Who's the first person that's getting sent to investigate? this. Father Christian Slater, who is the person? Like, why is he the first person to be at every scene? Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. Right, right. Well, him and Madeline and Madeline, right. So they drive over to Mrs. Gallagher's house and they hatch this plan. He's got a great idea. He says, I want you to go around the front and distract her by knocking on her door and I'll sneak in the back and I'll look around for the kid. That plan confused me. When he was like walking and she was like, Mrs. Gallagher, when she was like banging on the door, I was like, wait, what was? the goal here. Yeah, right. Like, yeah, you could just sneak. It was a rather confusing set up,

I have to say. Yeah, but he goes in the back door. He uses the old, that door was unlocked trick. Yep. Right. And then they, he starts sneaking around. She's knocking on the door. No sign of Mrs. Gallagher. So he just lets her in. And she goes, hey, do you want to split up for, you know, suspense purposes? You go downstairs. I go upstairs. I go upstairs. She goes, oh, I'd be a great idea. That'll slow down the movie. It's so boring. But of course, Madeline finds something immediately. They step on that, right? So she's like, hey, you might want to come up here.

Turns out Mrs. Gallagher is dead. She's OD'd on heroin. Insanely chill reaction to finding someone dead. Isn't it? It's almost like, okay, do I have to start considering you as a suspect now? Right. Yeah, I think Madeline did it. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. So, yeah, at first I wrote, yeah, she's been elbow bitten to death. But no, that was them trying to do heroin overdose. I genuinely could not for the life with me figure out that what they were trying to do. And when they confirmed it as heroin, it became even stupid. Right, right, because apparently you just stab around like, this. It looks like something actually much more horrific. It looked like someone had drained her blood.

Yes, exactly. It looked like a rat had eaten and sucked out, like a vampire rat had attacked her arm. Yeah. But yeah, he does some dead people magic, right? because he's a priest. They told him he couldn't do dead people magic, but he does some day. He doesn't.

Is dead people magic? You mean when he like, he, he puts the eyes down, like he closed their eyes for her. And he says a little spell. Yeah, when he does that,

it looks like when he closes her eyes, it looks like her eyes are about to open again. Like I think she kind of like twitches a little bit. Like one of those dollies that does it when you sit them up. Yeah. Amazing. And so, but then Madeline finds the kid,

the missing girl in the attic. It turned out she did have a girl a lot. in her attic. And let me say, we will never hear what she did to that girl. We'll never hear what happened to her.

She's just scared of addicts. We just know that she locked children in the, I wanted Kristen Slater to be like, ah, maybe if I knew she had a kid locked in an attic, I wouldn't have purged her soul of all.

Yeah, right. Oh, fuck. Yes. Okay, so kiddo, when you get to heaven, Miss Gallagher's going to be there. It's going to be awkward. It's going to be awkward.

But it's going to, let me tell you, it's going to be a sin-free, Miss Gallagher. That'll be nice. Sin free. Crash-move keys. They go up and to the attic to get her. And they're like, Monica, that's the little girl's name. They're like, Monica, it's okay. And I'm like, in what way is it okay?

Oh, Ms. Gallagher's dead and free of sin. Yes. Don't worry. She got into heaven. I'm not thinking back to Monica. What is she afraid of? Is she afraid of the heroin? person or is she afraid of Mrs. Gallagher?

Or is she afraid of the priests? Yeah. I would be. This movie's so bored. Yeah, he comes in to save her. He comes in to save her. No, no. Please, every moment you save me is a moment this movie isn't over and I'm so bored. Please, I need to tell you about good touch, bad touch.

Please change the channel to singing with the angels. So, okay. So now the ambulance and the cops get there. and everything, but the cops are really suspicious of Christian Slater. Okay, now I will say, this is the only realistic scene in the movie, because the cops are like, so, father, we find

you with a dead body and a girl that was locked in an attic. Did you do any of this? And he's like, no. And they're like, all right, on your way, off you go. Yes, right. We are the police until literally ever, apparently. Yep, yep, the cops are like, if we need to get in touch you with you, where will you be staying?

And Maddie's like, my vagina. So we go back to Maddie. place. And here's the moment where like the movie is just like, okay, if ever we were going to have sexual attention, he's been fired from his priest's job, he's staying at her house, this is exactly that, nope, no, there's no tension whatsoever. I felt like I was shot down by the movie for sex. Right, right. I'm a horrific looking man and always have been some variant on a horrific looking man. So there have been many an occasion in my, hey, let me own my truth. There have been many an occasion of my life where I've said, hey, friend,

seems like we're having a good time, care for some sex. And they've been like, no, get out of here. And I've been like, understandable. That's what this movie does to me. She's in the shower. He walks in. They exchange a lot. Oh, yeah.

And she looks out and they share like a quirky glance. Yeah. That's her response to finding out that she's being peeped on in the shower. Yeah. She's like, oh, you. See what you missed? You priests. Priest will be priest.

I could have bought you watch. She's like, you know, she's like, are you going to be a priest or can we fuck? And he's like, no, no, I still have to be a priest. And then there's this moment where. Still working down that stew. Yeah. It feels almost like he's, she's like suggesting that he start his own religion. You know, like maybe you could have your own Catholicism, you know, like work for Martin Luther.

But yeah. And then he wakes up the next morning and catches her in the shower. And she like looks at him. He's like, wasn't, was not drinking off. I don't, I do, because I'm a priest. I'm just going to keep that. That's just for me up here. All right.

So then he takes a cab to the church, but the cops that are investigating Mrs. Gallagher's death intercept him when he gets there. And again, very realistic depiction of a cop who is being accused very credibly of a crime. They're like, hey, Father, I'm so sorry to bother you. Turns out your fingerprints are the only ones that are on the heroin

that killed that lady. So it really seems like you, did that murder. Do you super Boston best friend promise you didn't do it? Oh, you do? Okay. Off you go.

Off you go. Well, did they, was it his, was it his prints or did they plant it in his, in like his quarters? So yeah, yeah. So that's what it was, right? Right. There was a whole interrogation here, right?

So they bring her in, they bring him in, they're like, it turns out she was murdered. She took enough heroin to, like, pass out. And then somebody else gave her more heroin. And he's like, oh, wow, who was it? And they're like, why do you fucking think we're talking to you.

By the way, this is, sorry, I don't mean to cut this off, but this is fucking insane. I don't know why there isn't more storyline about the entire city talking about this. Like, Mrs. Donnelly was a heroin addict? If this happened in real life, like this succession of murders and overdose, like this, people would never stop talking about this. This would be one of the biggest scandals in the Catholic Church ever. And can I say something? I wish more little old lady.

were heroin annexed, because that's an adorable image. Right. Yes, thank you. Thank you. More old ladies on heroin. I would have preferred if it was the other old lady. That would have been really quirky. Like the comic relief lady would have been way better.

But like her thing is that like, more heroin for me. She can, yeah, she can, she's chill. She can handle it. You know, she's like, right, right. She doesn't go joy pop with a bunch of bubble gimmers. Don't mind me. Yeah, but so and then so the cops are like, so hey, you know that that that murdered kid, he sold heroin and he's like oh no I didn't know he said did you buy heroin off him he's like

no he overcharge I mean no I don't I don't buy heroin from people and the cops like okay but the question is who done it you know and I we're just like I man there's two suspects you know introduced all one one of them doesn't fucking other people um we know there's like six named characters left in the movie might be Madeline at this point that's kind of the best guys I just yeah doesn't even matter and so it's but they do a little back and forth where they say that they found heroin at his place. And then he goes, look, this scene is over. We've run out of pages of script.

I'm leaving now from this murder interrogation. He's like, oh, shucks. He did the I'm leaving now. That is what they let priests do. Well, no, that's true. New Orleans wish they wouldn't, but they did. All right. So now it's time to like, it's time to settle up basically here.

Right. So he hooks up with Maddie and he tells her that Mrs. Gallagher was murdered. And then they go back and he's like, he has to like listen to the confession tapes now because like that's the only way to find out. Right. Which means that the only reason he didn't listen to them earlier

is so that the movie could have been its full 91. Yeah, of course. Right. Because like that the whole fucking, the entire movie hinges on how like no priest would break the seal of the confessional. And he's like, well, I don't know. We kind of run out.

Now I'm in trouble. Fucking. Right. Yeah. Right. Right. But luckily, the first one he listens to is not only the one that matters, it's the exact part that matters, right? They start listening to it mid-confession.

As I was murdering my murder victim. Yes, right, right. But it doesn't matter because at that moment, the killer reveals himself. Henry comes up behind them with a gun. Hey, remember Henry? No. He had the stew. Yeah.

He's the stew guy who kind of worked for the church and then kind of didn't. really know what he did or whatever? Remember when your stomach hurt and mine didn't? It's because I was lying to you. Yes, right. I didn't eat that stew. And of course, we're like, well, I didn't see that coming, I guess, if that's the only goal. Yeah, but I also wouldn't have seen LeVar Burton coming.

Right. This is true. This is true. Fucking Big Bird could have done it. And he goes, no, you know, I was, he was my prostitute and he threatened to tell my wife. and we're like, we don't even know that you have a wife. You have a wife. There's nothing to this.

Annie's character could be saying this monologue right now. This is the part. This is the part that really got me back on the whole. Are they putting pedophilia and being gay on the same plane? Because his only worry is that his wife was going to find out. About what, though? Right? About the fact that he was gay or about the fact that he is a pedophile?

Was he a pedophile? I think it's just gay. I think he's just gay. I don't know. It's Catholic, so it's hard to tell. Hard to tell. Well, yeah. Didn't, weren't they making the, didn't they say that he was, he was the one that

killed, he killed the kid. Yeah. Well, I don't think the kid was supposed to be a kid. I don't think the victim was supposed to be under 18. Really? I think they never say in the movie that he's supposed to be. Isn't that why they do the whole pedophile thing in the middle? No, I think they just do it.

No, I think it's a looming. associated with pedophile in 2004. I feel neat. Like when I'm talking to someone, I'll mention that I was born and raised Jewish because it's just looming over the conversation. I imagine that's how the church feels is they just got to get pedophiles. Wow. I had a totally,

totally different assumption about that. Wow. I mean, like I said, they never say that, right? They never addressed that within the movie, but they just like bring up the pedophile thing once randomly and it may, like, it's in a situation where it makes you think, oh, was Eric Halloran under 18.

So I genuinely think that this is like a like a generational difference because in 2004, there genuinely was such a heavy association between just being gay and being a pedophile. That that's what he was saying. That like if they find out that you're gay, they'll think you're a pedophile because that's just something that the church itself had established. Oh, wow. So it's 2004. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I genuinely, yeah. I think that's what it is. Wow. That's crazy. I will say just to get back to the scene here, he does have a pretty crazy line, Henry,

where they're, like, asking him why he's doing this, and he, like, nuts himself. And then he's like, oh, absolution. He's a pretty crazy line. Yeah. I don't think you're going to, because you're going to shoot a pre-sats. If anyone actually goes back to watch the film,

listen to the way he says that line, because he takes a second to, like, bust in his pants. Yeah, it's a real, it's a real creamy line. Can I point out one other weird thing about this scene, right? Because this is like the scene where they fight and he confesses and they do the struggle for the gun. It feels like they improvised the final fight, right? Sure did.

It's so sloppy, right? He hits him with the wood, but then the girl runs away and then he struggles with the gun and they have the like, oh, someone's shot. By the way, it's Christian Slater, not the bad guy, which makes no fucking sense. Well, yeah, so Christian Slater gets shot in the melee. and then they have a chase, right? The Henry now chases Madeline through the church. But it's just another great symbol of how this stupid this fucking movie is.

It's a big circle, right? She chases him in a big fucking circle and they end up back in the room they started in. She also does a crazy stunt jump over the back pew. Yes, a dive roll. She does a dive rolls over the fucking twos, yes. They're one stunt double shot. Yeah. Like, why did they use a stunt double for that shot?

not the other sloppy parts of the fight. It's a great question. Really, if they had one available, yeah. It's dark enough. Yeah. But yeah, so, but ultimately, Christian Slater, despite being shot, still manages to whack him in the head

with a Crozier or something. I don't fucking know. It's another priest weapon, maybe. But then just the cops come in at just that moment to arrest him, but Henry shoots himself because the movie's over now. Yeah.

I wanted Thomas's mother to drop from the ceiling. He would never do that. He was Catholic. Yeah, right, right. So then we get the wrap-up scene, right, where, like, Christian Slater is doing the Henry's Dead homily or whatever. Oh, yeah. They're letting everyone know that the youth center is now the Father Thomas Andrews Youth Center.

Yes. And look, I know it's because this movie's opinion is that Father Thomas Andrews was this amazing guy who wouldn't break confession and was an ally to all these gay teens. But just a reminder, he did allow one of them to get murdered. Yep. And then allowed that murderer to go free. Yep. Because he found out about it within magic spell territory.

Right. Like Mrs. Gallagher at least would still be alive if it hadn't been for that. Yeah. Everyone in this movie would still be alive if Father Andrews wasn't such a fucking Catholic. Right. Yes. Right. It feels weird to name the youth center after the guy who enabled the murder of

one of them. Yeah, it does. Yeah. And also, I want to point out, too, that, like, because it was Henry, because this occurred to me at this point in the movie, I wrote it in my notes, like, there's a car, his boss, the cardinal that keeps, like, trying to push him away from the investigation has no reason now to have been pushing him away from the investigation, right? Like, they were established another reason if he's not guilty or somehow involved.

I'm sorry. I just, you know, you were looking into a bad thing. And I don't know. Yeah. But the church sure is full now because they want to see who Father Christian Slater is going to investigate next. Oh, no. Kids, we're going to church. Two weeks ago, he said, we're going to find out who murdered it.

Apparently this weekend when we were there, he killed that guy. Yeah. You might get a little brain matter if you kneel down. Right. No, it's like SeaWorld. You got to pull up the little. Yeah, exactly. I wish they had just shown like half of the churchgoers is just like excited patrons.

They're like cracking beers and stuff. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. So we're on. Come on. What's next? Well, I have to say, Andy, it has been a ton of fun hanging out with you today. Oh, my God.

What a time, fellas. This was amazing. This is what I love to do. This is what I do. This is all I do. So thank you for letting me do it. Right on. You do it well, man.

So if you would, remind our listeners where they can go. if they're not done with you yet, other than like the description box and shit. Hey, yeah, if you are more interested in hearing about other stuff that I talk about other than just Christian movies, I talk about a lot of other shitty movies over on my Andy King YouTube YouTube.com

slash Andy King. Which will have linked in the show notes. And while that does it for our review of The Good Shepherd, that's not going to do it for the episodes of your show because we still need to make the same mistake again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. This powerful documentary exposes what it's Makers call a coordinated decades-long effort to incrementally introduce Sharia Islamic law into American Civil Society with Texas as its prime target.

Oh my God. We'll be watching. Get ready for this title, No Illusions. Remember the Alamo. Don't Sharia my Texas. Oh, my fucking God. I'm telling as soon as we turn the cameras off, I'm telling my wife is from San Antonio. So I'm telling you about this. as soon as we get done.

So your Friday night viewing is in the bag. Yes, exactly. Treat yourself. All right. So with a hot date night to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 573 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Andy for helping us make this show work today. Add a reminder, check the show knows to hear more from him.

And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their race, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful and thereby early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also have a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows.

This is a gay, the citation needed D&D minus, and the skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions. You get about Godolpho Movies at gmail.com. Trim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Selig of a little of a dress on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week. I'm Noel who's promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Clothes. Hey, that's fucking perfect. Father Christian Slater would spend the rest of his career downplaying child rape. The Catholic Church was super psyched that there was a movie about a crime they didn't do. I think Christian just, he probably went and got the new cabin. With all the money he made from solving this crime.

Well, I know the stocks. Oh, there you go, the stocks. There you go. Good tie-in. All right. And we're going to do the ads out of order here. Let's do the ads in order and just make Morgan's life a little easier. Sure, why not?

So add one better help. Did you add anything to this one? No, I didn't. Sorry. All right. We'll have to talk real quiet, or real slow, rather. This episode is sponsored. No, that won't work.

Here we go. cut that out in one breath Eli how about that shit hell yeah I just put the first interstitial up here because I figured you and I would record the other stuff after yeah we'll do it once let's do it let me scroll down here sure sure yeah yeah yeah let's do it all right it's been four years fellas graduated from acting school in 2020 that's right let's see if you're ready for it time to pull it back out let's hear your pigeon

let's hear your pigeon hey hey oh it's pretty good that was a pretty great it's kind of a little more like a dove you know no no no don't self criticize that the enemy the good. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 61724945, or on their website at creator accountability network.org.

This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.