God Awful Movies - 580: Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat

Episode Date: October 27, 2026

On this week’s episode, Paige and Todd from The Horror Virgins podcast join us to review Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat. And it may set the record for the latest in a movie that it ever proves itself to belong on GAM.===Check out more from Todd and Paige on The Horror Virgin.Check out even more from Paige and Todd on Romancing the Pod.===If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

It would mostly just splatter, I think. Oh, it would explode when the gun shot. Like, the bullet would come out of the barrel as shrapnel. Yes, exactly. It would be shooting, like, sawdust. Yes, more or less. Right. Unless you're using that really hard mahogany.

No, there's no, there's no wood that you could do this with. It's insane. Fortified, Ty, he said. Of course, of course, yeah, yeah. And wood is flammable. So, like, the chances of the muzzles... This is the first I'm hearing it. Paige, how could it possibly be

favorable? God awful movie. Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, so I don't have to change my introductory sentence. I'm your host, No Illusions. Heath and Eli are both off this

week, but I'm excited to welcome back returning guest masochists, Paige Wesley, and Todd Schlazer of the Horror Virgin podcast. Todd, Paige, I almost ran out of breath, but I got there. Welcome back. Thanks for having. Thank you so much, Noah. Thank you so much.

Very excited. This first time we had just since we started doing video, right? That's a little weird. That is true. Yeah, it's new. Yeah. We were warned about it ahead of time. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot more fucking work. I have to be dressed and my hair has to be combed and all kind of shit. But anyway, we're getting- I'm having to wear pants. Yeah. Sorry to hear that. I genuinely am. No. So tell us, Paige, what will we be breaking down today? Oh, we are breaking down a movie that tells us the question of what happens when vampires maybe find God? It's sundown, colon, the vampire in retreat. Oh, this is a surprise Christian movie, right? Because we're watching the whole thing and we're like, Eli, I thought you said you were going to pick a Christian movie for these guys this time. And then we get to the end and we're like, well, he did. Didn't he?

Yes, he did indeed. But it's a late third act reveal. It's surreal. sure is. And Todd, how bad was this movie? I'll just say this. If you like love and rice novels, but wish they had like less sex and more Jesus, you will love this movie. Oh, there you go. Yeah. I don't really know who it's for, but if that's you, you'll love it. It seems to me it's for, it's one of those movies and there's a lot of these in the late 80s that were made for people who thought they were picking up something different at the video store. Right. I just, I can't imagine who. would have enjoyed this. I will say

they did pick up something different. They did. They achieved that goal. Because this is a very different movie than anything I saw from the 80s. Like this movie was insane. It is its own goddamn thing. We at least have to give it that.

So there's anything you guys who want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Oh, for me this is the best worst Rex Manning Day for sure. Okay. Or the best worst Airbnb. Oh yeah. No. kidding. Now are you referring to the smaller mansion across the street from David Caradine's mansion? That's correct. With all the square footage down in the basement, but also his mom's

coffin is there? Yeah, I mean, that's a little bit weird, right? And a little bit. You know, you're checking out and it's like, you got to do the laundry, you've got to turn the coffin. Wait, what? Yeah. Would you mind fluffing my mom's pillows? Yes. Did you dump her body out onto the bed and then we'll wash it and then just put her shoes in the sink. Yeah. Just wrap her up in the sheets. There you go. So I'm going with best worst paternity resolution.

I don't want to spoil anything yet, but just be on the lookout for that. It comes right at the very end of the film. Just like Shane. Yeah. I'll say my best of the worst is best of the worst vampire fashion I've ever seen because they did that thing where they wanted you to know when the vampire turned by what they were wearing. And it's just like every vampire.

vampire the second they got bit on the neck was just like, fuck it, I'm wearing this forever. Forever. Yes. You've got to feel like at a certain point because it's not like the same clothes. It's not all like all ripped up in 600 years old. But they're going to their closet and they have 80 of the same garment. The one chef guy is a chef every day. Yes. That's what they say about chefs page. When you're a chef, you're a chef every day. Yeah, exactly. The chef is never off duty. All right. Well, I guess we're all eager to sink our teeth into this.

I'm sorry, Heath and Eli. I loved it. I demand more sacrifice to the pun god. Panicking already. Panic punting is what I'm doing. But we're going to be back in a minute with all the 80s half assery that he is. Sundown, the vampire in retreat. All right, everyone.

Welcome to the first writer's room meeting for Sundown, the vampire in retreat. Hooray! Now, as you know, we've got a stellar cast for our wacky vampire comedy, and I think it's going to be... Yes, Jerry. I thought we were doing a horror movie when I brought the props. Right, because of the vampires. Well, yeah, but we were thinking that we could do more of like a ribbing on the vampire genre. With a focus on maybe the inner...

Oh, wait, wait a minute. Yes, Carrie. Oh, I thought we were doing a Western when I commissioned the music. Oh, right, because of the locations. We were thinking that the desert environment would play up the fact that the vampires are averse to sunlight, right? So they could have to wear it. Yes, Larry. I thought we were doing a romance when I cast the leads.

Right, because of the... Actually, I have no idea why you would think that. Wait a minute. Yes, Mary. I thought we were doing a time travel movie when I got the wardrobe. Why the hell did you guys do so much shit before we were. wrote the script. So we're not doing an action, shoot him up?

Well, then what was I going to do with these prep guns? Well, damn it, Barry. And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up with ye oldie Star Wars crawl, right? Yes. Palpatine is back and he lives in the desert. Yeah, right. It's a very long crawl for a movie that does not deserve it.

It has no lore, right? There's nothing that we need to know that we wouldn't catch immediately from this. Also, all the letters are capital, but they've still capitalized some of the letters by making them a little bigger. And in like random Trumpian fashion, it was driving me nuts. My eyes were hurting as I watched it. It's the first opening crawl I've seen put together by a serial killer sending an opening crawl to a journalist to get something in the paper. So we just cut out magazine letters and paste them on the screen. That's what it seems like.

Because some of them are like very artistic too. Yeah. Yeah, there's some calligraphy, but also there's some, I kind of got bored with calligraphy in there. Eventually, we just went to Helvetica and leave us alone about it. The art director was just shaking his arm like, bah, just tighten the rest. I'm done.

Right. No one's going to watch this. Yeah. Yeah, right. But we learned that the vampires have decided to stop eating humans and they're working on synthetic blood. there's like a parenthetical in there too or it's like also they need a human's help with that

so it's not all vampires. Right, that will not work without the help of a human. Yeah. Which I feel like the screenwriter really wanted to just yell the irony in my face but couldn't figure out how to do it without the parenthetical. Well, and this is as a committed true blood, girlie,

this is a central plot point in true blood. Oh, is it? Tell me everything. Yeah, of course. They also make sense. blood, they also don't think it tastes good. But it's wild how much that they're like, we got to have this one human guy or the whole thing falls apart. And we can't drink our vampire, Yoohoo.

And so, we're shit out of luck. Paige, it's crazy to me that you think it looks like the consistency of Yoohoo. Because to me, it looks like if you could milk a pig, what kind of yogurt it would produce. First of all, I'm pretty sure you can milk a pig. You just haven't tried hard enough. I'm almost positive that you can. So, okay, so they also. I thought you could only milk a sow.

Those look pretty sour to me. Woof. Woof. All right. So this is also, like, we have to introduce the weird genre mix that we're going to get here because we're going to get the title to the movie and the credits and shit to the music that John Wayne fucks to. Yeah.

Right. Right. Still to this day. Yeah. From the great. I hope not. He is also, what, a vampire. Surprise.

Sequel, let's go. Bruce Campbell's going to play John Wayne. Oh, there you go. So, okay, so then we're going to introduce the Harrison family, mom, dad, two daughters. The daughters are Gwen and Juliet. Well, yes, although the first time they introduced Juliet, they say Juliet. And so in my notes, I was like, Mormons. Guaranteed.

But then later, it's just regular Juliet. They also spell Gwendolyn Cruz. crazy. So you know it's Mormons. No, I don't know. I didn't see the subtitles, but that's a giveaway. You nailed it though. I'd say it. Like if your friend's name is Morgan and it's spelled with three U's,

Mormon. Pokemon or Mormon? I can say that. These people are at my family. Oh, there you go. There you go. It's your word. So the little girl, we have to establish Juliet is into horror stuff. Yes. She is chasing her sister around their home dressed. I'm a

assuming they wanted us to think Dracula but like she looks more like El Dracula like a luchador from Transylvania like wrestler because the kind of masks she has on. Interesting. It's a little more Alicard or like I don't know Marjolac

white Dracula when we find out what we find out about her parentage later in the film to me it almost suggested like they were trying to say that she's spooky because he's her dad. Right.

But I feel like that only would work if he was already turned into a vampire when they conceived her. So I think you're getting a little ahead of the lizard. So we'll get back to that.

Yes, we'll get back to it. We'll get back to it. Yeah, we'll table it because I have similar questions. Right. Oh, absolutely. So okay, so then we're going to cut to, we're going to go out west

to where the vampires are. We're going to meet these, the three guys that run the gas station, the three old fellers. I don't, I don't, you say run the gas station. Is that their job? Like, the only thing we ever see them do is sit on that bench in the sun. And I want you to remember now that they are fully vampires.

Yes. So, yes, just comical sombreros, really. Yep. And big 80s glasses. It's honestly everything I wanted out of three men on a swing. Yeah. Say it unleaded. Right.

So we have to establish to, oh, and we should point out that the town that all the vampires live in is called purgatory for reasons that I don't think we ever establish in any meaningful way. I just, I think that they were just like, huh, on town called purgatory, right? I think it's going to be religion question mark. Uh, sure. Guys, it's the screenwriter just not being able to yell metaphor. Yeah, right. You're right. He's trying so hard, guys. Yeah. So, but then we see a guy driving up in his Jeep. And this guy is honestly my favorite character

in the movie. He's just, he's just, he's, he's. He's a hero. Driving down off road on his Jeep trying to snort cocaine. He's got like three and a half ounces of cocaine. Yeah, a freezer bag full of fucking cocaine on his lap that he's snorting as he's driving off road. And I'm just like, fuck yeah, man. You are very 80s.

That's how good the economy was in the 80s. This is what Reaganomics did to the middle class. Like this guy's driving a Jeep and he's got money for cocaine that he does snort. but he's got money for cocaine that he blows out the side of his Jeep. Fuck, yeah. As he tries to performatively, like, make his friends believe, I can do anything of my Jeep. You can do in your cars, you nerds, even snort my coat.

Well, and it made me think that the ultimate, like, end game for the campers who will eventually see this was the friend they were supposed to be meeting, I thought they were drug dealers, which would be a way more interesting, compelling story of, like, that's why they're there is to try and run drugs. But no, they run a foul of the town. where I don't think these people run the gas station. Their job is to pretend like they run the gas station.

Yes. Which is maybe why the middle one has a crazy fake beard. Yeah. So, okay. So that is true. Yeah, we just introduced a couple of new characters. So let me catch the listeners up. So this guy comes up to the gas station.

He's an asshole to the vampires that run it. And one of them knocks his head off, right? Smooth off. Yeah. Just, like, punches it off of his head. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And so then we cut to some friends of his that were camping nearby,

watching him go to the gas station through binoculars for reasons that we will never establish. Never. Right. And they're like, oh, wow. And then we get, man, this, this poor actress trying to give the, I just saw my friend get his head knocked off performance. It's just genuinely one of the worst I've ever seen in a movie with like real lighting in it. Oh, have you ever seen anyone else?

I guess. Yeah, she's terrible. She's very bad. Yeah. It's very... I will say, this may be the worst scene for her, but it doesn't go far uphill

in the skill department, if that makes sense. It's just that they ask less of her in the future. This is the first day she shot, and the director was like, all right, well, we're having sex, so I can't. But like...

I'm going to have to recalibrate. So we'll just give her lines. Yeah, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Just give her lines to the guy next to her who's about to be Bobby and Twin Peaks and play almost the exact same character. It'll be fun. Oh, wow.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, the casting of this movie was fucking bizarre. Crazy. So now one of the three old guys has to go into town and tell the head vampire count Marjelac, what a weird name, that they've fucked up and they knocked somebody's head off and like the other guy needs to be disciplined or whatever, right? But also, like one of their jobs, as Page already alluded to, is to warn the townsfolk that other people are coming

if they show up at the gas station. So now they have to go through and also say, hey, it was a false alarm. Nobody's coming. Don't worry. M. M. M. at Walsh, knock the dude's head off. It's fine. Right. Go back to being in the background of every scene at a school musical.

Just like watermelon, watermelon. Hubbub, hubb, hubbub. Live your lives, apparently. Just as Disneyland animatronics just in case a human comes through. They're like, oh, no, there's a car. I'll take the redhead chasing the women around.

I swear to God, I saw the Matterhorn monster in one shot of this just in the background. If you look back, you can see the ghost with the dinosaur, the goat with the dynamite. Look at the goat. Just right on one of the mountains like, oh no.

So, and then we also check in on the factory where they make the synthetic blood and it has all the accent work of a citation needed sketch. Oh my God. It's like every actor there was like, okay, which silly European accent are you doing?

Guys, I don't know the name of this band, but they're my favorite. Yeah, I was like, this is more modest mouths. But they were all, they're all like steampunk and old timey. So like, they're like the Atomat, the Atomatics afterlife or whatever. They're like just like a Civil War punk band.

They're like the killers from the Mr. Brightside video. Except that the lab looks like the set of Blue Man Group show. It's just PVC pipes everywhere. Right, right. I'd go see that. I'd watch it. Vampire Blue Man group where they're trying to make synthetic blood and it's like that's the story

and it's going everywhere. That'd be awesome. Oh, right. And it's blue but then it's like bubbling like the blood in Star Trek 6. Yeah, I'd be there for that. Absolutely. Go deep in the references. Okay. So we learn from this seeing that they can't make the production system work unless they bring

in Dave Harrison, who has of course the dad that we met from that family earlier. Right. So now we cut to the family. They're on the road. Just so fucking 80s of them. They're driving around these windy-ass roads. No seatbelts.

Kids in the back. They're in a convertible for fuck's sake. Yeah. It's called population control, Noah. I guess, yeah. Juliet has a tumbleweed behind the car. So, but then they have to expose it to each other. Right.

So they're like, well, I'm looking forward to come in here. But I sure don't want to see that guy, Shane, that I, used to date and you don't like and beat you up that one time. Yeah. Oh, we get so much information about Shane here. Yeah. And so little information about why they're changing up vampire mythology. Like, every vampire movie gets to kind of choose their own adventure, but you have to lay

the rules out. This movie gave us a crawl that didn't really tell us much. No. And then they're also like, we've got to go to the count. There's procedures here. And I'm like, are there? we don't find out about that, but we know all about Shane,

a person that, why would we run into him here? Why did you have to warn us about this? Well, and also it's just so fucking, like, honestly, if the movie just stopped dead and the writer stepped out in front of the camera and explained what he was going for,

it would not be lazier than this. Right, right. If it was just him like, all right, so here's what I'm trying to convey, guys. So, like, he doesn't like Shane because, like, they date. but like maybe there's some history outside of the dating gap window that we're going to address later in a paternity suit or whatever. But like we don't know that yet.

It's all undertoned. I'm going to get back behind the camera now that we all know what's up. All right. Great. Cool, cool, cool. Action. Sorry I'm not a better filmmaker. Well, and we don't know it yet.

But we've seen Shane. We saw Shane literally in the clip right before this with the indie band that's running the factory because Shane is played by Maxwell Caulfield. of Greece to and Empire Records fame. It is Rex Manning Day. And so you're watching it and you're like, what's Rex Manning doing here? And then like two scenes later,

longer than that, when he tries to sexually assault a main character, you're like, oh, Rex Manning's the villain. Again. What's that about? So, okay. So, yeah, so then we cut to this, the old guy sitting in the principal's office waiting room, right? He's got to see,

got to go tell him about the guy getting his head knocked off. Yeah. And we see the secretary, and I only bring up the secretary because I want to point out that this movie went to the wacky outfit school of comedy. Yes. Right. So this character's wearing clownish makeup so that we know we're watching something funny. Well, and also, you know, she had to register that makeup with the clowning academy.

Like that's a big clown. And her name and the clown face. It is so over the top makeup. It does look like she's trying to be a clown. Yes. And her like outfit is like. like poca dot it and bright and like, squirly.

She's not doing herself any favors in the, I don't want to look like a clown today department. I think she was mid-child birthday party when she got turned. Right. Now she has to wear that forever. Yeah. Yeah.

She's like the only clown in town. And so she has to work all the parties. But she also has this other job. She only clowns for the love of it. Yeah. Cleaning is not going to pay the bills. All right. So then we have to,

we have to introduce this disciplinary in character. Right. So we know that the guy who runs the. town is Count Margelech, but it's like his vice principal is Mr. Jefferson, who is a pilgrim. A Puritan, if you will. Yes. Yeah. So he's, and again, like he got turned back in pilgrim time.

So he dresses like a pilgrim for the rest of goddamn time. Yeah, he's a conservative man. So he likes long, billowy black suits and long, lacy collars. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? If you let him, he would wear just a letter D for. Dracula or a letter V for vampires so people would know and he would love it. There are not buckles big enough for his shoes.

No. So, and then we have a quick scene with the campers where they're trying to figure out their next move. No, the she has not learned to act in the in the time since we saw her. No. And if I saw my friend's head get punched off by a man at a gas station, I would just leave. I would just go the other direction and tell I was gone for. No, thank you. Especially if, and this is where I was like, oh, was he their drug dealer?

Was this a drug deal where they get to buy the cocaine from him and then go? They should run before the cops figure this out. But no, they were just camping with a freezer bag of cocaine. I wouldn't believe it more. Had they been like, well, he wasn't really our friend, but he was like our connect. Well, he had a baggie full of cocaine. He got the drugs. So we've got to go to the Jeep to get the drugs.

And then that's where they get picked up. Absolutely. It's not that. That would have made a lot more sense. But they were just like, well, we should go to the police and walk right by, because we have to assume this is the only road into town, right? So we have to walk right by the gas station where they knocked from our friends head off. Anyway, so okay. And then to give you an idea just how lazily built to this movie is, they belch us into the next scene as a comedy beat, right?

Yeah. So they're like, we're back at the lab. they're checking the synthetic blood and everybody's burping at us because that's pretty funny. It's like when a fucking an awkward uncle is called upon to entertain the kids for a minute. Yes. That's this movie. Yeah. And jingling the keys stops working.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's like the one step up from jingling the keys over a baby's face. It's right before you get to pull my finger. Yeah. Well, exactly. Right.

Right. This movie really did just ask us to pull its finger. Yeah. So, yeah. So, okay. And then we go back to the gas station and they set up this. comedy premise that they don't use. So they're cleaning up the dead guy

who's head they knocked off. One of the guys, one of the old guys picks up the head and just then the Harrison family drives up. And he's got the head behind his back. And I'm like, okay, they're going to get out to get gas and he's going to have to hide the head. But no, he's just like, how do I get to the place I'm going? He's just straight that way

and they drive away. And then he nods the head. The severed head in his hand. He nods behind his back. it's very strange. I also thought they were going to have to do like some funny, like, hide the head situation where he's got to like, palay the head over to his friend or something.

But no, they do nothing with that. In fact, you can see one of the two girls, and it might be Shane's. But the one like, it's furthest to the left in the shot or the right, sorry, she can see the head behind him. You see her eyes clock it. Clearly, yes. He turns to the side when he shows him where to go.

And she's, And the actor forgets not to pretend. Well, and then, so they don't, he doesn't even do a fucking, you head this way joke. But no, they just, they just go. So that's it. No, they're not even brave enough for puns. Nope, no. They don't have the courage of this fucking podcast.

Okay. So then, all right, the Harrison family, they showed up in town and they stop at the general store. And this is where we're going to meet the cop who is also a vampire. His name is Quinton Canada. because, again, that's where they, like, that's pretty funny, right? That's not what a name is. I think they were just picking names out of hats at this point.

They're like, what do we name this animatronic? Quentin Canada? Great. There you go. He also, does he sound like he's from Jamaica? He has a passport. Yes, that's what he's going for, yeah. And I think what the movie,

I think this is the movie trying to do the thing of, like, vampires from all different places have come here. Yes. And what they really needed was for him to be like, instead of a Jamaican patchwall, although that is, you know, fun in its own way, he probably should have been like from New Orleans. Yeah, I was going to say New Orleans. Yeah.

Absolutely, yes. But he is, he seems to be very Jamaican in this scene and then slightly Jamaican and the rest. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. That Jamaican accent wasn't Jamaican it through the whole pot, the whole like a movie. No, it was not.

But either way, the fact that he's like, you know, telling them like, hey, this is like a super safe town. So it's like easy to be a cop here because, you know, Bob Marley was right. You know, no human no crime. Or whatever. Yeah. That's correct. Something like that. And yeah, you know, he was a wise man. Yeah. Yeah. So then, okay, so they go into the

store where we cut till this old couple that's about to fuck when they walk in, I think, right? Yeah. So I noticed that too. And I wondered in this moment if that was because, you know, the Harrisons are coming to town to really like beef up blood production and maybe they

need that because it's like a Viagra kind of thing. I didn't even think about that. So they were like, yeah, we're going to be able to bone soon once I pump this up with synthetic blood. Yeah, and Gorswick, Yu-hoo. Yeah. Out of field goal straws.

Yeah. I, this is crazy. When we meet the German couple, I wrote in my notes because I was like every new vampire we meet is basically a fun tablo and a chance for character actors to try out new accents. Yeah, right. Where it's just like, what's your actor's secret?

Oh, that you're from Europea? Go with it. Go nuts. But here's the crazier thing that we get in this scene is the whole family's there. David is talking to the German man and reveals that he knows that they make blood here. He's the one who's here to fix the blood. So he knows, A, that everyone is vampires, allegedly, B, that they're produced. Do you think he doesn't know?

I think he thinks they're doing it for medical people. Exactly. Yeah, because he says that more or less. So he's just like, hey guys, I'm in town. I'm a huge hemo. Like I know everything about hemoglobin. And I'm here to fix your plant to help, you know, make hemoglobin for everybody. Look, sometimes people make mistakes and end up at lesbian cosplay retreats that they didn't know were cosplay retreats.

It's fine. But I, yeah, in reading this, I was like, did he bring his kids to Vampire Town? Like, why would he do that? Either way, he did. Either way, the answer is yes. And he didn't put seatbelts on him, so really, honestly. So we have this long scene where they try to do, like, they run into this German couple that owns the general store and they do more exposition.

But yeah, this is where we learn that he's the guy who invented the process by which they can synthesize blood, and he's here to help them get their machine working. And we learn that this store doesn't carry garlic. Oh, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. And then so they leave. we see the couple, the camping couple, they're wandering into town in search of a police station, you know, to report the murder.

Right. Yeah, like we just had to walk past the guy who punched our friend's head off. Yeah, don't mind us, just looking for the head shop. Like, yeah. So, okay, so then we cut to, we really are going to get into this whole, we're just animatronics at Disneyland concept, right? Because we cut to the vampire diner where apparently the vampires come every day

to stare at food so that if any humans walk by, it'll look like the diners a hoppin. Yes. Yeah. There is just old food in this diner. Drink milkshake. Yes, right, right. Everyone's going through the motions like in Home Alone when they're just like the animatronic behind the curtains.

So it looks like there's a big party. That's kind of what this diner vibe is. And it's funny. Like when you see the food, it looks like it's the same food they had on the tables two days ago. Well, right. It's moldy and shit. Yeah. Yeah.

So they just bring out the same food every day. So, okay. So then the couple comes up and they see the cop get out of the car. He's got Merle, who is the guy who knocked their friend's head off. He's already got him in the cop car, right?

Because he's being disciplined by Count Marshalach. And they're like, hey, that's the guy who knocked our fucking buddy's head off. Right? And he's like, oh, looks like I'm going to have to lock you guys up too. Yeah. You're under arrest for being different.

Yeah. Right. Right, right, for being strangers. Which would never happen in this country. That is how it works. I mean, you know, Todd, you're in the South with me, you know. I am. That's how it's how I was, you know, kind of welcomed to my town.

Hey, we caught your friend giving head at a gas station. That's illegal in these parts. We're going to have to bring them in. Do you see how many fucking jokes you guys passed off? I know. They missed it. They missed all of that. So much stuff. So, okay.

So the Harrison family. they get to the creepy Airbnb that they're going to stay in, right? And there's just, I'm sorry, I just have to mention, there's this moment where the mom goes, she says to the kids, she's like, who wants to be strong and carry in the groceries? And at first I started to write a thing about how like, oh, it must be nice to have kids and be able to fool it with such dumb shit. And then I was like, fuck, my wife has successfully been doing that fucking trick to me for 30 goddamn years now.

Yeah, he'll fall for that. Fuck. Yeah. So never mind. We'll be out in the car like, I don't have enough arm. Yeah, oh, I just don't. I'm too weak to carry all this stuff. Not to mention I loaded it into the car.

Right, right, yeah, exactly. Right. I carried it through the grocery store. I like that they admire the mansion across the street from them, which they're like saying, oh, it's like a beautiful house or whatever. But it really just kind of looks like if Dolly Parton ran a vampire brothel. Oh, that's the vibe of it from the outside. It's got like the red curtains and stuff.

Exactly. Thank you. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a fun place to hang out. Best little gore house in Texas. Let's go. Page, 100%. Yes. I'm in.

All right. So, and then when they're, while they're looking at Dolly Parton's vampire mansion, they notice David Caradine watching from the window. Yes, he is in this one. Yeah. It's Count Marjolac. They just couldn't afford for him to be there for the whole filming. But he does show up.

So, okay. So then they go into their place. It's all covered in spider webs because, you know, vampires. Airbnb's. They never clean it. They're like $125 cleaning fee, huh? What about these spider worms

were here when I got? Take pictures. Yeah. Take pictures, send them to those. So, okay, so meanwhile, we cut to another Randall. I wrote another Randall because it took me so long

to realize that this was Bruce Gamble. Right? Oh, did you? Yeah. Steampunk Ash. Yeah, yeah, right. So we cut to Bruce Gamble driving into town,

but his car breaks down. So he sets to walking. He drove right out of 1947 in whatever kind of car that was. And of course it broke down. So he has to walk back to town or not back. He has to walk to town. But it does seem like he is headed to that town specifically. That guy's on a mission.

Yeah, he's got a map and everything. Because he looks old-timey for a hot second, I was like, new vampire, a new vampire has entered the villa. But no, we will find out something different later. Yeah, exactly. But then we're going to appreciate for a second how good, even bad CGI is. right? Because we're going to be reminded what we had before that. And what we had before that was these claymation fucking bats that are looks so goddamn awful and

terrible that I cannot get them out of my head. Wallace and Gromit would never. I thought it was hilarious. Yeah. Oh, we just like just dive right into uncanny valley with no warning whatsoever. But we've got these claymation bats and they're like plotting something. But we don't know what yet. I have just in my notes rankin bats

Like instead of rank and bass The old stop motion stuff Like that's exactly This is if Santa Claus was coming to town Was a Halloween movie Are just these bats But it's I think it's Jefferson and Shane talking And Shane's just like

The plan is almost complete or whatever It's like not enough to understand what their plan is Right And then he's like but I gotta go My ex just moved to town And I got a sexually assaulter in 15 minutes So I gotta go Yeah warning

that's going to happen in the next scene. So, okay, so we cut to Sarah. She's putting her girls to bed. Oh, yeah. And she's wearing, like, the conservative version of sexy underclothes, which is to say she looks like the Pope about to lead mass without the fish hat.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, she comes down and she's like, after the kids are in bed, she comes down and she tries to talk David into fucking. And he's like, well, I still have a lot of work to do, but I'll come up and fuck you later.

Right. Yeah. And she's like, she's really trying. I think maybe if she wasn't wearing, like, a tent. she might have better success. Trilly tent, yeah, but a tent nonetheless.

I mean, she is more covered than I am when I'm wearing like a suit, like a three-piece suit. It's like she took off her clothes and then put on more clothes. Right, right, just replaced the, yeah. I got you an errand to take these off. Yeah. So then we cut to fucking, we cut the fucking bat cam,

which is probably fucking stupid since bats can't see. But apparently bats see in virtual boy, Yeah. Yeah. My God, in nausea. Red. Yeah. Exactly.

Which I guess is how that shows up visually. Right. They're like, which just means everything's kind of red. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you hear in red?

Yes. Obviously. Obviously. So and then, so we cut to Sarah. She's sitting in a room by herself. Windows are open so the vampires can get in. And she goes, she says to the mirror in a room by herself, oh, David, you don't know what you're missing.

And I like, well, first of all. it's because you're covered fucking head to tell like a nun, right? That's why I doesn't know. But secondly, you're married. You have two children. Why are you sitting in a room talking to yourself about how fuckable you are? He knows. I will say he probably knows more than anybody.

Maybe not Shane we come to find out. But like pretty much anybody. He does know, ma'am, what he's missing. And listen, he said he would come have sex with you later. Give him a second. Yeah. Right, right. Exactly.

He has to work. He's working with his headphones on. Yes, exactly, right. So, boy, he's got him crank the fuck up. So then he must, yeah. We cut to peeping Tom Bat, right? He comes in and he's like hovering by her window looking in and he's like, well, this sucks because I can only see red when I'm a bat. So he turns into his human form.

But all he brought with him was his loin cloth. Okay. Is it a loincloth? Because it looks like he's a Ken doll down there. Well, it's like a skin colored loincloth. I thought it was. Okay. So, guys, I have like a head cannon for this.

that I am not happy about. Great. Awesome. Perfect. They, their underwear. Okay. All flesh.

Oh, interesting. That is not where I thought that was going. Neither when I wrote it. I was grossed out. My theory was that they were the privacy garments that people typically wear for nude scenes or sex scenes.

And they didn't have time to take care of it in post. They thought it was supposed to like to do that. Why they had airbrushed a dick onto the front of it. Yeah. Right. So, but then he attacks her as a bat. She yells for her husband, but he can't hear her because he's got his walkman on. And all the way up.

Because, you know, they didn't have noise canceling headphones in 1989. No, but he was listening to Meat Loaf, ironically enough. It's like, bat out of hell. Yeah. He's like, I would do anything for love, but I won't do bad. Yeah, I won't do bat. Nice. Nice.

But then the kids eventually come in, which is weird because they're used to hearing mom scream David at the middle of the night, right? But they come in and they see a bat trying to rape their mom. Literally. He is mid-trans, maybe post-transformation, but his hair's a little crazy. He's definitely got the teeth. And he's, you know, just wearing that fleshy, skimpy underwear. You know what I'm saying? It implies that only Juliet can see his human form, which again brings me back to.

There's got to be some weird genetics, though, that we will get back to in a moment. but in my notes I'm just like she's never going to be able to watch Empire records like ever it's going to ruin it for her for life right so what we see is we see they walk in and there's a bat walking up mom and screaming but yes I didn't pick up that it was only supposed to be

the little girl because then we see him turn into a person but I think you're right it is supposed to be that the little girl can see through the bat to the vampire or whatever yes because when they talk about it later the other little girl is like it was just a bat what are you talking about and she was like it was a vampire

I can see him. And they're like, no, you can't. Okay. So then we got one more scene before the break. We got to go through this one pretty quick. But we get a couple of rock and rollers waiting to get into a club. And they're like, ah, that's lame. Let's take our leopard-themed pants and go elsewhere, right?

Our matching leopard-themed garb. I've never heard of anyone from L.A. leaving L.A. to go to a small town to go to a club. What the fuck is even supposed to be happening? That is the premise of what's happening in this scene. But what also with a party bat that has the peace sign. on its wings when it holds its waist. Hell yeah.

But they're leaving this Higgatown to go back to L.A. that it's a dude with a fucking rogue streak of white in his pompadour and his girlfriend, whose name is Burgundy. But she tells them about a party where they're going to have some ludes. So they go to the lude party. But just then Jefferson the Pilgrim shows up in the alley, right, that they're walking into. At which point, Burgundy says, and I quote, Purve alert

I don't necessarily think she's wrong Well no but all she knows is Pilgrine Right but yeah Puritan alert Maybe she hasn't learned that word I don't know okay all right interesting But he does have a very wide lacy collar Yep and he's given him a look

So but then pompadour he pulls out a switchblade And he goes no no no no I'm not perverting anything or whatever I am recruiting new vampires I want to suck your blood and they're like, oh, well, in that case. I'm totally in. This is the in. Right.

We're from L.A., bro. Yeah, right. We know. We know. So, yeah. So they're flying back as bats now together. Now they're both. I loved how fast that was.

Yeah. We don't even see them get bit. Nope. They're just like, he's like, I'm here to offer you like eternal life and community or whatever. And then like it cuts to them flying as bats. We didn't even see them say yes. In a straight line.

and on strings. Oh, yes, definitely. So bad. So fucking bad. Watching the only village person do YMCA today. Yeah. It's like that. You know,

they're all connected. And I think the male pompadour bat asks, can we still bang? Which, that's the first question I'm asking before I say yes to that. When I turn away from a bat, am I just going to have like, am I going to be like a Kendall or something?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my whole crotch doesn't just become like flesh underwear, right? There's also like, there's also a moment where he goes like, he's like, what about crosses? And he's like, I wouldn't recommend church. And I'm like, see Christian movie? See?

Christian movie. Oh, yeah. This was the subtle hint. It was. It was. It crushes us with it later on. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, we get a little bit there. So, but yeah. So he takes him to his sweet bad guy hangout cave where all his new vampire recruits are waiting for him to like unleash his army against count Marjelac. And have his fucking. in revenge or whatever the plot is. Yeah, and then they just wait there because it's what? Pergatory.

Yeah, right, right, yep. They literally do just wait there four days. Yeah, yeah. And do not, we'll come back to them. We see them later. Yeah, he's like, but soon the plot will happen. And that means we've shoved a bit of conflict into this thing. So now we have a whole ass fucking plot, I guess.

And that means we've earned another break, but we're back in a minute with even more of Sundown, the vampire in retreat. Come on, Burgundy. We should go to a different party. That one was lame. Totally. Hello. Whoa, Perv alert.

I'm here. I'm sorry. Wait, did you just say purve alert? Yeah. All right, well, all I was doing was standing here when you came around the corner. Just minding my, like, what about that says purve alert to you? I don't know. Maybe the fact that you're dressed as a pilgrim?

Well, yeah, no, okay, that's weird. I'll admit. It's like unorthodox from a fact. fashion perspective, but is it perverted? In her defense, you were kind of standing pervertedly? Standing pervertedly? How, okay, how was I standing pervertedly? I don't know, man.

I'm just trying to back my girl up here. Okay, okay. Well, for the record, I'm not a pervert, regardless of how I stand or dress. Sounds like something a perv would say. Now, hold on, hold on just a second here. Okay. if you're so not perverted, explain what you're doing here. Well, I want you to let me bite you on the neck and suck out a little of your blood.

And then you have some of my blood and you suck that down. And then you go to a cave full of half-conscious people where you lie about in a giant pool of flesh and a semi-catatonic stick. Fuck, I am a pervert. Told you. Yeah. I think I'm going to go. I'm going to think about some stuff. You do that.

Yeah. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Bruce Campbell, stumbling his way past the gas station at sunrise. The old men there are very unhelpful, again. As they have been the entire movie. They don't know how to run a gas station. They just know how to look like they run a gas station. Exactly.

Well, and so obviously at this point, I think they're trying to like push him away. They don't want him there. But like, he's like, can you help me get a tow truck or somebody to help fix my car? And they're like, nope. And then he moves. on and I'm like, well, now you've guaranteed he's going into town. The way to keep him from going into town was to help him. Yeah.

Help him get back out of town. Yes, right. They don't know this, but he's heading to that town because he's looking for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't like find that out and then start being mean to him. No, they're just immediately mean because it seems like that's their job is to just sit there, be mean, and sit in the sun, you know, everything you know about vampires. Like vampires, too.

Yeah. So we're all harbingers. That's all we do. Turn back now. Well, can you help me turn back now? That's a huge problem. I don't know. It's not my circus, not my monkeys. And then we come back to the Harrison family that morning where David isn't buying that a bat tried to rape you last night's story. And she says raped by a bat in front of her very young children. I'm like, that's a choice. Like, attacked. Like you could have said any number of other things. But that also. means that the mom couldn't tell that it was Shane. Right. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And that confused the absolute shit out of me, but if it's just a little girl, that makes so much more sense, yeah. Listen, I hate that I feel like I might need to do this. Is raped the right word to use the... I don't know how far it went. Like, I realize that's what she said, but... I'll call it an attempt at Lulming.

It was an assault. Yeah, yeah. Yes. I'm just saying maybe when you're talking in... front of your child hyperbole and saying rape is not the best. And maybe like not best to leave them with the impression that bats occasionally rape humans. Yeah. No, I'm with you.

I'm with you. So, but then the little girl was like, no, daddy, it wasn't a bat. It was a vampire. Right. And then I'm like, okay, well, now you got to explain why the little girl saw a naked man looming over mommy in the bedroom. Oh, I just thought she was classifying the type of bat. My bad. Yeah.

No. Yeah. No. Because she saw the dude. And they blame horror movies for it. Classic Christian movie trope. Well, because you can't believe all women, Paige. This was the 80s.

Look, can I show you our witch trials exhibit? We got them. We burned up. Yeah. So this started to feed into what my head canon is for her parentage later on. Because the more information we learn about her, she is what I will call. special in the sense that like she's seeing things other people don't see she has prophetic dreams

she sees creatures that no one else can see or understand i feel like that suggests something about her parentage and when we get more information i'll talk about my head canon you think she's a stack house is that what it is she's got to be her mom had to fare with jason Stackhouse. Shane Stackhouse. There you go. Yeah. Their uncle.

So, okay. So, but so David now he's got to go to the factory to help him with their blood synthesis where he has to confront his nemesis Shane. Now, this is, this is where I first figure out that Shane was the vampire that tried to rape the mom. Right. But they have a little like, you know, a little verbal sparring as they go, you know. Oh, and they're saying things that you would only shout in a fight at each other, but they're

saying them very calmly at first. Yes. Yeah. When he says, how does he? feel to know I had your wife? I was like, that's your opener, Shane? Right, right. It went from like playful wordplay, like kind of dissing to like, oh yeah, I fucked your wife. I fucked your wife.

The escalation on Shane's part is just honestly perfect for a movie this crazy. Well, and he takes it to another level of like had is not just I fucked your wife. It's the misogynist ownership of like it's crazy that he says that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote my notes. They give each other subtle shit.

They give each other unsubtle shit. Moving in. So, okay. So then this is where Bruce Campbell gets to the diner. Now there's a waitress that works at the diner, Sandy. Right. And she is a bit, she's a vampire, but she looks to be a bit smitten with Bruce Campbell. And who can blame her rocking the mustache.

I mean, Bruce Campbell looking his most time. Seleck. Yes. And crushing it. This is Army of Darkness era, Bruce Campbell. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yes.

Give me some sugar. He sits down, literally just orders coffee and puts like a napkin on as a bib and still looks even as ridiculous as he looks in this scene. Still fuckable. Still fuckable. Still fuckable. The waitress immediately like decides to betray her people for him. Yep.

Yep. Without him really asking? Well, so yeah, he like pulls out this picture and he says, do you know this guy and he shows a painting of David Caradine? I was going to say, picture is generous. Yeah, yeah, no. The painting. Yeah, it looks like, I don't know, let's just say college level introductory art class.

Right, like no way you can identify who that was. It's definitely not one you pass down from grandfather to father, from father to son, right? Yeah, right. So, yeah, but she goes, that's Count Marjelac. And she, like, nervous, she's like nervously helping her. She's, like, writes a secret note, like, meet me out back behind the whatever, you know. Yeah, meet me at noon somewhere. I can't remember where it was.

But, yeah. Right. Now, truly, if they wanted to make this a comedy, when they reveal the painting, it should be like the leprechaun drawing, but it's just a vampire with fangs. And she's like, that's the count. I know that's the count. Who else can it be? If you all saw the count say hey! Yeah!

I have an authentic vampire flute. So meanwhile, back at the factory, David is just, like, he's figured out the problem and he's just doing it. He's like going out of his way to humiliate Shane with the answer, right? Yeah. With the explanation. Nope, you fucked it up. It was all you entirely your fault because you're a fucking idiot and I'm way fucking smarter

than you. And now I have her. Honestly, it felt very like, if you look at all the people who work in that factory is like, the vampire version of Devo, which is like what they look like to me. It is, it is like, if that was the Beatles,

though, it's like if Paul and John Lennett are fighting in the studio, like that is the vibe in this scene. And it's nuts because like, Shane provokes Dave into like, like punching him. Although I do think he kind of deserves it. Oh,

sure. Like, does your wife still whimper when she comes? Wimper? Or does she not come at all? I was like, God damn, that's insane. Wimper is such a weird way to describe it, man. I don't think Shane knows what it's like when Sarah comes.

I don't think David knows what it's like because he hasn't gotten through all the layers yet. But like this is also kind of where they imply from this conversation that we should automatically know that Juliet might be his. All he implies is that they fucked. And then later when this comes back, we'll talk about it when we get there. Wild generalizations are made. I would imagine that there's a pretty substantial cut scene that we're missing here because it makes no sense otherwise. Yeah.

So, but then shame, like, yeah, he provokes a fight, beats the shit out of David because, you know, like vampire, right? Like, the exhibits superhuman strength, throws him down and he's like, I will rape your wife, damn it. I mean, more or less, he picks him up by the crotch, throws him onto the table and gets real close to his face. and more or less says, yeah, I'm going to sexually assault your wife real bad. Yeah. I'm going to do it. And I just beat your ass in this Home Depot PVC pipe aisle. And like, you're going to watch it happen.

Yeah. It's okay. So then we cut to Sandy. She's got to deliver food over to the prisoners that are in the, you remember that couple, the camping couple. They're now prisoners. And so she's got to bring them food. Right.

In this black box theater that they're pretending as a jail. Yeah. Right. But then and Merrill is still there. being all creepy and vampirey, you know. Yeah, and Merle's the guy who punched their friend's head off. And so obviously because they witnessed a crime, the law in this town arrested them and put them in next to the people who murdered their friend.

And now they are just like talking to him. I don't know that I would be able to do that if I was next to the person. I want to punch my friend's head off. Look, they had to incarcerate them to get ahead of the investigation. I'm so sorry. 100%. Well, the honest truth. this is though that they know how big an asshole

their friend was and they were like, you know, I get it, man. If I could punch his head off, I have punched his head off by now. Yeah, he's not one of those like driving his Jeep Coke binges. He's definitely punch his head off. Being a fucking prick. Anyway, did you remember where your buddy's put the coke when they were done? Yeah, yeah. Where was it?

Did you guys need that? I don't think you do, right? And do you guys have like a scale and some tiny baggies? I mean, they do it wrong. What they think they are supposed to do with it is like powder your face with it. And you're not, you're missing your nose. You guys have, yeah. We have no idea where the Coke went.

We just see the clown receptionist like patting her face with it. Right, right, there you go. So, okay, so then Sandy heads out to meet up with Bruce Campbell. And then we cut to the two little girls who are apparently as bored of this movie as I am, right? They're spinning the globe. They are. Smacking it around like they're moving it for Pete Hegseth or something. One of them like does like, and I think it is what opened.

the hidden passage. She like stops it by hitting it and like it opens a secret passage and I was like the fawns. I used to think growing up like I used to think growing up when you punched a globe a secret passage would open and that's why I'm not allowed in planetariums anymore. Right, right. Or you're moving shit for exit. Yeah. So so yeah, they accidentally open this this secret staircase where you're like you're just like well you have to make your secret staircase harder to open then punch the globe. Right. Right. Right. Well later the mom says it's just. spin the globe. Yeah, right. It's the only thing you're going to do with every globe in the room. That's the only thing a fucking globe does.

Constantly open. Guys, it's not a secret passage. I wanted everyone to know where it was. It's just a fucking passage. It's just a hallway. It's hidden. But I want you to spend the,

you'll figure it out. It's the worst escape room ever because it's easy. So, yeah, right. So the kids go, they're like, let's go explore. And Julie, and says to Quinn, she's like,

it's too dark, but it's not. It's like completely lit. And I'm like, you guys could have made it dark. dark. They could have. Right. Like you have control of the lighting. And she's like, come on, there's no monsters. And I'm like, you guys saw a bat try to rape your mom last night. Okay. And you're like, you know where we should go? A cave. Yep. A cave. They don't even bring like-

down into a cave after that. That's, yeah, that's hidden by a spiny globe. And so they, but they walk down and it, we have this. And this is, of course, just a regular horror movie trip. There's candles everywhere that are lit. So like somebody goes every morning and lights those fucking candles in case somebody needs this secret passage. It just makes no goddamn sense. Yeah, what we're missing is for Dracula to have like a familiar that does that. Yeah, or right.

Dracula's not doing that. No. He's, yeah. Right. Or maybe that's what like the diner people are like fucking, I'm taking candles today. I'm sick and tired of staring at food and pretending to eat. Yeah. Fral Bluher's had candles for like six weeks. It's my turn.

I'm lighten of. Yeah. So but the kids, they walked down into the secret passage and they find a coffin. And Gwen, the fucking hardcore chick that she is, she just goes, let's look inside. And I'm like, fuck, yeah, Gwen. Best case scenario is dead body.

Right. Yes. Right. I would say one of the worst case scenarios is David Caradine. Right. Because he's going to come out and try and act like this is a philosophical masterpiece even though it's cowboy vampire. Yes. Right. Right.

So yeah, the kids, they run, He pops out of the coffin. They run to warn mom that David Caradine is coming. And she's like, wait, hide all the plastic bags. Yeah, right, right, yeah. Quick, everyone, take your belts off and throw them in a drawer. Yeah. You guys, no, no, no, we're going.

Who has the biggest hands? You got to leave the house. He did mention autoerotic expaciation to the girl. Yeah, I thought that was a little low class. Yeah. So, but then, so they get up there and they're like, mom, he was in a coffin. And he's like, no, no, I was not, you know, what it is, is I do have. have a coffin down there. That's where I keep

my dead mom. This is normal. In your house. I keep my dead mom in your house. In the house you're staying in. And then I go down and I sit with her like a normal person would with the dead body they keep in their basement. And so it's

all normal. And mom's like, it is normal, isn't it? Hmm. It is. It's totally normal. This is definitely not going to be the plot of a Zach Krieger movie 20 years from now. Right. Well, it's completely normal. The little girl goes after he leaves. She goes, no, Mom, he came out of the coffin.

And mom says, are you willing to bet your whole fucking allowance on it? I'm like, wow, mom, what the fuck? That escalated quickly. Also, it made me so sad for Gwen because, like, she just didn't know how to read the word. Like, what she was, she's never, like, heard the word aloud. So when she saw Kung Fu, she thought it was coffin. And so she was like, it's the guy from Kung Fu. And they're like, no, you eat.

But she's just never, she's only ever read that word. Interesting. Interesting. I found his belt drawer. What? Steal all of them. So yeah, but then they're like, then little girls are like, let's go ride bikes. And they're completely over it.

So then we cut to Bruce Campbell and Sandy. Like she shows up and this is where he like, he almost admits that his last name is Van Helsing. Well, they're having like a picnic. Yeah, yeah, they go off together for a picnic. This went from like, yeah, I can help you find the count that lives and runs our town. to, can we also make this a romantic date? Like, it's very clear Sandy's into it. Yeah.

I understand. I get it, Sandy. Your motivation makes sense to me. It's been so long they call her Sandy. Yeah. Oh, no. They're in the desert page. But there's stakes everywhere.

There's that option. Paige, when you're a vampire. You can't use a wooden dildo. You don't want stakes. Yeah, yeah. So, okay. I think Asimov wrote that, right? Vampires can't use wooden dildos.

Of the laws of vampires. So then we come over to the diner where Jefferson, he's stirring up shit because true blood doesn't taste as good as the warm shit does. Right. The real stuff. You've got to keep you who colds. Yeah, exactly. I believe, though, because it looks like it's got, I don't know, like,

Pol Pot-Loss. Yeah, it's pulpy. Yeah. I don't think I'd like that either. I'm not saying I'd prefer blood, but I'm not a vampire. You know what? I didn't think I'd like Boba tea either, but you know what? It's actually, it's pretty good.

It's pretty good. You never know. It depends on the types of the beans. I don't like bovety. So, okay. Me either. I just work for the joke. So, okay.

So, yeah, but then we see him stirring up shit. Then we cut back to the fucking picnic where Sandy's like, fuck me, I'm so lonely, right? She goes in for the kiss. Or sorry, he goes in for the kiss. But then he notices that he can't see her reflection in the hubcaps. She's a filthy fucking vampire. Oh, vamper bitch. This goes, like, if you're Sandy in this moment,

you're definitely not, first off, and you think you're about to get kissed on the mouth from Tom Selicki. Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell. And then two seconds later, you're getting punched in the face by Bruce Campbell. Yeah, he knocks her to fuck out out a fast turn. Poles out his fucking wooden state.

There's not even a, hey, are you a vampire? It's like, no, you're getting punched in the face. Yep. Yeah. No clotu varata, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Clocked. Yeah.

She pulls out his steak. She talks about a killing her right just then. He takes her prisoner. And then we cut to like, they hear some sirens, right? So they hop up to see what it's all about. And it's Quentin, the cop, Quentin Canada, confronting Shane about why he's out in the desert with a bunch of weird boxes that he refuses to open. Yeah.

He's got like four crates of something, but we don't know what's in it. And when we do find out what's in it, it's not enough crates. There's not enough crates. We'll come back to it. It's not enough crates. It is not enough great. It looks like a set of beehives is like the amount of things that he has,

but he needs a Sarah Connor coffin full of guns is what he needs. Exactly. So, but yeah, and we're seeing this and then we're cutting back to like Sandy and Bruce watching over. This is when she tells him that it's a whole town full of vampires and yeah. Yeah. Right. But this is also where I started to wonder, I was like, so is the count good or bad?

Right. Or is Kink not an indicator of morality? And can just think of practice safely. Exactly, Paige. Is the count good or bad? And the movie will make a very definitive stance. But like, we do not have enough information about the count as an audience at this point to make that determination. We're literally just like, we've seen him also be a vampire and be creepy.

around the children. And so we are immediately like, I don't think that's going to help. I think he's here to help us. Up until this point in the movie, though, he's almost just the neighbor in home alone. Yeah. Like possibly sinister, but no real information, really. Right. But so, okay, but then back with Quentin and Shane, Jefferson shows up.

And this is where we learn that Jefferson and Shane have created bullets that you can kill vampires with. Oh, wait, like ones that, like, shoot the sun or something. like really advanced? No. Are we talking like super It's way cooler Way cooler than that.

Nice. It's what could be cooler than that? Fortified wooden stakes bullets. Okay. Wooden bullets. That's just the thing. So it's like, okay, it's wouldn't, but like that wouldn't actually kill anyone.

Right? So I get though the wooden steak is supposed to kill the vampire, but just wood splattering on them wouldn't. Yeah, because it would mostly just splatter. I think. No, it would explode when the gun shot. Like, the bullet would come out of the barrel as shrapnel. Yeah, exactly.

It would be shooting, like, sawdust. Yes, more or less. Right. Unless you're using that really hard mahogany. No, there's no, there's no wood that you could do this with. It's insane. Fortified, Todd, he said. Of course.

Of course. Yeah. Yeah. And wood is flammable. So, like, the chances of the muzzle flam. How could it possibly be found? Catch it up fire. But then the other piece of this that I could not stop laughing at is like,

it'd be one thing if Blade style, like one of my favorite scenes is in Blade is when they're loading garlic bullets into a gun. So good. In this, they have conservatively 20 different kinds of guns from 20 different eras of history. Yes. So how many different types of wood bullets did they, are there wood? musket balls? Like, what are we doing? Page, they, sometimes there are explosions in the final battle.

So are there wood grenades? Like, what are they doing? I don't understand what's happening at all towards the end of this movie. Honestly. Just Dura flame logs. They lighten it. Right. Right. Yeah. So, okay. So back at the diners, all the vampires sure want to get humans. And just across the street, they got, uh, fucking prison with two humans locked in it. Right? So they're like licking their lips. Yeah, they're seeing like, you know,

they're like stuck on a desert island and they're seeing, you know, the Looney Tune character turned from the character into a turkey. Yes, yes, right. You know, it's like that, it's like that kind of thing. They're like, like, wafting along on the smell lines and shit like that. Yeah. But they're all outside and they're all wearing sunglasses and sort of aimlessly walk.

They kind of look like they need someone to step in and guide them to a piano. Like that's the way all of them kind of look when they're in the sun. Sure. They're just a zizi top video. Yeah. in the background. And then we get, okay, so I know what you're thinking now, listener, you're thinking to yourself,

well, what this movie really needs is a dead serious exploration of the problems in the Harrison's marriage for like the next five goddamn minutes, right? So this is when David comes home and he's like, you know, Shane told me that the two of you slept together after we were married and we're like, when did he do that? He did not. We were not present for that moment.

We weren't. He only implied that. they had had sex multiple times. And so it's almost like David comes in. He's like, you told me it happened once. But like, clearly you did it a bunch. And then he's like, wait, is Juliet, even my daughter? And the mom's like, how about that?

Yeah. But other than that point, I thought he was just mad because, you know, his wife had sex with her boyfriend, Shane before they even got together. I had no idea that there was like some parentage dispute. Yes. So this is where I have to talk about. about my genetic theory. Yes, okay.

Yes, you do. Yeah. So Juliet's clearly creepy. I would assume Shane is her father. I think that's why they made her blonde. Sure, even though he's not blonde, but yes. He, well, the actor actually is, but because his hair is slicked back the entire time, you can't tell. Yeah.

I only know this from seeing him in other things. Sure. But I'm thinking, when did he get turned versus when did the affair? happen. Because if he just slept with them regular, why does she have supernatural powers? Right. And that's what they imply, right? They imply that she, they slept together. And then he became a vampire. So did she suddenly become creepy then or something? Or did he sleep with her when she was a vampire and she's half vampire jizz? And she's going to grow up to be a human vampire hybrid. And that's why it's like a blade. And by the way, don't you dare run away from a Dracula.

That's like the third best pun in the history of this fucking show. I love that I dropped that off Mike earlier and then was like, I'll get back to it. And totally. We'll figure out how to get there. Yeah. In Dracula. Dracula. If we're going for the Anagram version.

If you nasty. If you nasty. That I think is why Count Dracula and everyone's like she had to dream. Oh my God. We got to listen to this little girl because I think they're like the first one of the new generation. It's built from Indegraderuneration. It was a Dracula conception page.

Oh, nice. Dracula conception. That's all right. So basically, yeah. So now we've got, we've got Sandy and Bruce trying to sneak into the mansion. Sorry, like she's driving him to Count Marjelax mansion so she can warn him about the bullets and

stuff. There's a moment where like he's ducked down in her car and it really plays like he's just lapping her up, right? I mean, it is kind of like, have you seen true lies? Yeah. Bill, is it Bill Pullman, I think, or Paxton? It's Paxton.

Yeah, Bill Paxton puts Jamie Lee Curtis's head in her lap. Bill Palmer would never. No, that's my president right there you're talking about. That is my president. That's the closest, the closest we have is John Ossoff, and he's not quite there yet. No. He is no today at our Independence Day. He would, he would fucking, he would fly against the aliens. All right.

He would, though. Yeah, for sure. He would. He would. Roll his sleeves up. Fuck, yeah. So, okay, we get the vampires again. They're over.

They're about to go eat the prisoners when Juliet and Gwen come giggling by, and we have that humorous moment where they have to stop mid wanting to eat everybody to let the girls go by. Yeah, because the vampires are, they'll kill and eat people in jail because they're adults, but they would never, they would never touch, they would never hurt a child. They're not, of course. Yeah, they're not, they're not perverts. Right.

But also, they just, and again, I know it was the 80s, they just let their kids young children just ride into town amongst strangers. Yep. A place they've lived for two days. Two fucking days. Yep. Yeah, technically we live here. You're a local. You're safe. It's fine. That is what we did in 89. Yeah. It did ring true to me as well as

an older person. They go into the store at this point, right? And Shane's there. And Julia, it's like, I recognize him from my prophetic dream that I had last night. And I'm like, well, also the attempted rape that you saw, right? Yeah, I saw vampy

Raping Bobby. Yeah, yeah. We've all heard it. Why doesn't he kidnap her in this moment? Right, right? Because he knows who she is. He knows who she is.

And that's what he's after, it turns out, yeah, we'll find out later. So, okay, but then she's like, he's the man for my dream. And the old shopkeeper says, fucking dream, tell me all about it. Yes. TMI, tell me information.

I have a question. I have an alternate theory as to why there's a connection between that child and Shane. Let's do it. It is not Shane's baby. It's the bats baby? No.

Oh, okay. That would be the same. But it would be abaculate. It would do, yes. But everybody calmed down. I got there. It's fine. We all figured it out.

Veternity test. Yeah. We get it. 23 and B.A.T. Never mind. Yes. We're going to stop. Right now.

We're going to stop. And I apologize. And we stopped a little earlier. Can we stop one joke earlier? No. Shane showed up right after the birth and imprinted on that child. Oh.

Ha, ha, ha. Just like Jacob in a movie I've not seen, but I know about it. I'm not even, I haven't even. It's the Twilight series apparently. If you want weirdly religious vampire movies, Twilight is Mormon A.F. We did one of them.

All right. So now we got to go back to the prison where Merle is now going to fill the campers in on what's going on, right? And just as all the town folk are about to break into Edom, David Caradine shows up and gives him a, you know, we're better than that speech. He's like, we were tired of hunting, tired of killing, tired of having to choke ourselves while we jerk off

if we could have a partner to help. What's everyone else up to later? But he, in theory, would be most of these people's maker. I mean, they're a little murky on how everyone gets to the town, but it's implied that a lot of people are there because they got to the town and the option is, you assimilate or you die. And so they are now vampires, which would imply that he, I mean, in most vampire lore, has some control over them.

And I think that's what kind of divides the armies at the end is like Jefferson's people versus his people. Okay. Interesting. That makes it sad because in a town full of people he created, he couldn't get a spotter. Right? Right. He's like, but he's like, remember, I'm the most badass of all the vampires. So you have to do what I say.

Because I'm the oldest. Right. It's real older brother energy. Yeah, very much so. Yes. Absolutely. So, but meanwhile, David is all herumphy about being a cuck. Right.

And so Sarah's like, hey, why don't we leave before this vampire plot kicks all the way in? And, you know, and he's doing this. in the position you would be doing it if you were sitting on a like recliner watching your wife get plowed by shame but it's haysex. Yes, right, right. Well, she leans over and she's like,

we'll work it out. And I was like, we'll need a chair and maybe a camera. And a clear set of rules around fluid bonding. But we will work it out. Yes. We'll get there. And then, okay, so now Marjelike has to go in

and give Merle some shit for the, beheading, right? And he's going to spend two days in prison for that murder. And I'm like, oh, you should make him write an essay too, though. Yeah. He had to live in two days in a soundstage with the people who's friendly killed. That was his punishment. I did also notice that the people who reported the crime were in jail longer. Yes. Yeah. And that the jail- Vampire cops are bastards. Yeah. Well, they're literal bloodsuckers and also vampires.

But that jail wall, like the bars, is literally just like a plywood flat. It is. Yeah. Yes. It's crazy. But then just then the shopkeeper shows up and she's like, David Caradine, this little girl had a dream and we have to tell you all about it. And I'm like, man, I'm kind of glad Eli isn't on for this one.

Kind of a running joke that I'm glad doesn't have to run this day. You mean the one that might be running down Sarah's leg as her husband watches because they're super into it and they worked it out by getting a comfortable chair. That's a happy ending. Yeah. So, okay. So then we cut to mom and dad. They're driving around looking for the girls so they can leave. And I'm like, ah, the 80s.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. Children. Are you still alive? Yeah. Do we have to call the milk carton people? Yeah.

But mom sees their bikes sticking out of the back at David Carradian's limo. And she's like, they're in that car, follow that car. He does an incredibly dangerous hairpin turn and he follows. So, and then as they're doing this, Bruce and Sandy are scaling the fence into Marjolax property. And they're flirting with each other a little bit. Bruce just isn't sure if a vampire human relationship would work at all. Well, I'm also unsure about the rules of sunlight in this universe because Sandy is wearing a hat, sunglasses, a long-sleeve shirt, and gloves. but also a miniskirt.

Yes, but also a miniskirt. She's got tights on. She's got UV protective tights. Yeah. Let the lady wear a little tights. Okay. Yeah, a lot of sunblock going there. Yeah. So, okay.

Definitely, yeah. But then that night we get Jefferson waking up his army of vampires. And this is where they finally let the makeup guy do his fucking thing with his vampires, right? Yes. Yeah, we do see a lot of makeup on these vampires. And they look fine. Yeah. Well, until they start

Turned it into bats At which point they do not look fine. When he gets there, it's just them. It's the same. They've been in this cave for like four days. I was just like, what have they been doing? They're like playing ticket to bite and stakes and ladders and connect gore. Like they're just like hanging out.

Wait for their like maker to come back and open the door. All right. Two words sounds like. Is it fruit? is it bugs Rankin' Bats presents Pictionary

for the whole time they're in there. There you go. But so okay So then we've got Bruce and Sandy climb in the house now he whips his crucifix

out right in front of her I'm like she's a vampire dude come on. Well this is not what it's burning him that's right. Sorry that's later I love that

little table. Yeah that's good. That's good. So yeah so then the limbo pulls up mom and dad pull up right behind him and dad's like, you know, give me my daughters.

What are you doing with my kids? And I'm like, okay, but they pulled up to the house that you're staying at, right? Like these houses are next to each other. You had to notice that, right? Yeah. He's like, well, I was driving them home. I was driving. You may not have noticed because you just moved in. You're probably, you know, getting acclimated. But if you look to your left, you're home. Yeah. Right. If you make a left at Dolly Parton's best little Gorehouse. Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So then, okay, then we get this scene where Shane is now rallying all the vampire troops. And he's like, he's like, hey, during this

big battle, try not to take bat for him because that is an expensive effect and it looks like shit. It looks really fucking bad even when we spent a lot of money on it, okay? Yeah. My favorite was when Jefferson is like, some of us are going to die tonight. And I was like, just so Shane can gush in his ex, like

really? Right, right. So is that worth it? This is an overthrow of Dracula. This is a, like, this is a mutiny technically. It's not just about the good. Right. So yeah, the vampires are all going to rebel against Marjelach so they can go eat humans again because they taste better than true blood. But Shane is only doing this because he wanted to get Sarah and his daughter Juliet peeled away from David. Right, but couldn't any of them just leave town?

Sure could. Sure the fuck could. Yeah. All right. So they all. I found a flaw. Yeah, right. So they all. The one. You found the one. Good for you. Yeah. Yeah. So they've all fight. bullets in the air because those don't come down or anything. You can just fire them up. You know, wooden bullets? Yeah. They just go straight to space.

Just raining sawdust. Yeah. I can't see shit. Guys, I can't see shit. So yeah. But look, it looks like we're ending act two with pretty much the same scene we ended Act 1 with. But this time they mean it, damn it. So we're going to say one more break right after I give Act

3 the hard sell. Will this movie continue to forget that it's vampires can turn to bats whenever that would break the story? Will they continue to forget that those bats are now naked? Will they instead put their claymation bats in little outfits? That'd be fun. Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the, trust me, this qualifies for gam, conclusion of sundown, the vampire in retreat.

Spoiler alert, it super does. It so does. It so qualifies. It just takes a bit. Yeah. You see Jefferson, it turns. out that I, Count Marjolac, have a secret that I've been hiding from you this entire time, for I am not merely... Is it that your Dracula?

No, I mean, why did you think it was that? Because it's really obvious. Okay, so I'm not saying that you're right, but in what way would it be obvious? Well, your name is one letter away from an anagram for Dracula. For starters. And no, it isn't. It's only because you use a K instead of a C. Plus, you didn't even change what kind of minor nobility you are.

Well, okay, so first of all, counts actually count as high nobility. And why would you have an American accent? What do you mean? And Americans don't really have nobility high or otherwise. So if you're like a count, why would you have an American accent? I've been here a long time. No, you haven't. The story, like, literally established that you just got here. Doesn't say where I came from. I could have been in Boston before I came here.

But you don't have a Boston accent, either. Plus, you dress like Dracula. Very much so. Well, actually, you know what? That isn't the secret I was talking about, not Dracula. So you're wrong. You were wrong. Oh, okay. So what were you going to tell Jefferson then? that I am secretly D.B. Cooper. The bank robber? Yep, the bank robber. And it just so happens. Total coincidence that a descendant of a dude named Van Helsing is also after you?

I probably stole his dad's savings account when I robbed the bank. Okay. All right. Right. And we're back for still more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with David Caradine, bringing the Harrison family in for a bit of dream prophecy.

he goes, a bourbon, perhaps? He asks if anybody wants to drink. He goes, a bourbon perhaps, maybe something stronger. And I'm like, what do you have in mind, man? Did you guys have it ever clear? Duh. Oh, okay. Yeah, half of these people you're talking to are children.

Yeah, right, right. Something stronger, perhaps a sprite. Or a you who? Yeah, right. And then while they're doing this, Van Helsing is up top, right, watching through the skylight. And I have to stop for a second and go, why would a vampire have a fucking skylight?

Right? Because it doesn't kill them. It just annoys them. It's very strange. And I strongly believe that it's just because they didn't have the money to shoot at night. Okay. All right. Interesting.

So then there's this moment here too where the little girl's telling them about the dream. And she's like, you know, the vampires betray you. And he's like, oh, which ones? And she goes, there's a man with slick back hair and sideburns. And he goes, Shane. And I'm like, Shane. That can be more than one person, man. We've seen other people that fit that description.

I don't know if you know, everybody can buy hair gel. Like, it is available. Yeah. David Caridine can pick a cool rider out of a lineup. You know what I'm saying? Like, he knows. Yeah. Yeah.

He's a rider that's cool. But then she goes, it's another man, gray hair, white beard. And he goes, Jefferson. And I'm like, all the guys, like, all three of the guys at the guys at the gas station have great hair, white years. There's so many guys with fucking white beers in this fucking town. If it was Jefferson, you would have thought she said, you know,

Pilgrim. Pilgrim Jeff. Yeah. Yeah. He gathers all the corn every year before we die of starvation. Pilgrim Jeff, you know him. Giant buckles, clicks everywhere he walks, yeah. Pilgrim Jeff. So, but just then, like, Sandy

kicks Bruce Gamble through the skylight. It does seem like she betrays in here, right? Oh, yeah. And the family does not seem at all, like, worried that someone just jumps down through a skylight and is like, hey, I'm the third generation in my family to be trying to kill this person specifically. They're just like, man, I guess we should leave. He's got under company. They're like, oh, man, this is strange.

Yeah. We're not, I don't want to be in their business. They just feel like an invasion. They're not like, like, what the hell? And like running out of the room. They're just like, oh, this is awkward for everybody involved. Yeah. There's also, and then so like Sandy jumps in behind Bruce and she gets him with the fuck

and she debilitates him with the Vulcan. But there was, I feel like there was a very long period in the 80s where we actually thought that was real, right? Like there was really a way to do that or whatever. Yeah. I thought that that was as much a danger to me as quicksand. Yeah. Right, right.

Yeah. I will say this is the point in the movie when Bruce Campbell's like, I've been fighting for generations. I was like, oh my God, is Marjulac supposed to be Dracula? But then I was like, where's the M? Yes, right. No, it couldn't be because there's an M. Thus, Dracula was born. Yeah, exactly. So, but then the Harrisons are like, we got to get out of here. This looks like a weird sex thing. And so they leave. Sandy's like, hey, do you mind if I fucking vampire him up? You mind if I bite? Yeah, yeah. Everybody likes a little bit of necking.

Yeah, there's. Oh, and I definitely think it's Bruce Campbell's kink after seeing how he was bonds, do it? Oh, yeah. No, he orgasmically becomes a vampire at this point. She did give him through. He fills his fleshy underruze. Yes. Yeah. So that's roots. So then we, we check back in with the two, there's two old guys now running the gas station, right? Because Merle's still in prison or, well, I guess he's not anymore. I don't know where the fuck Merle is. Yeah. But they hear gunshots and they go to sound the alarm, but before they can do, cowboy vampires come in and shoot them. Man, when I saw the Appa First Calvary just burst through the gas station window and shoot these guys with mahogany bullets. I was like, man, this is absolute cinema.

Yeah. This is what I need. This is what I need from a sinner's sequel. Yeah. I understand why we still talk about this movie whose name I have forgotten. Yeah. Don't worry. It's got a colon in it.

And it's weird. I also at this point was like, wait a second, how long has there one cop been missing? Their cop who also runs the jail where they had to let these people out of has been missing for two days because he's dead in the middle of the desert. Right, right. And they went to the prison. Everybody was at the prison and nobody's like, where the fucks, Gwen? Nobody noticed. They're like, where is that guy? Yeah. You know, the guy who works here? Right. But they shoot everybody at the gas station and then they had the posse marches on. Yeah. Right. Shane blows up the gas. station and I'm like, okay, but what purpose does that serve if you're not like

the filmmaker? Yeah, it's just you can have a cool explosion. But that's happening also as we're cutting back and forth to the Harrison family where they have an establishing shot of their car driving very fast. And then we cut into the car and he's like, yeah, you know, we'll get out of town sooner or later. They have no idea they're driving that fast. No idea they're driving that fast. Yeah. Yeah, it's hilarious. And then the posse is all blocking in the road so he like crashes into the home of the friendly shopkeeper couple. Right.

Yes. Right. And they're like, oh, don't worry. We'll, we'll protect you. And they take them to like, you know, all the other vampires that are just hanging out now. Right. Yes. But the like the, the laymise crowd out front where they're about to build the barricade.

Yes. And the two campers who have now been vampire. Yes. We have a scene where they wait. wake up in prison and they've been vampire and Murrow is going to like, you know, like, your vampires now, you got to fight for our side. And they're like, I guess so.

Which they do because this movie is, I think, the only vampire movie I know of that makes two subgroups of vampires both the good and bad guys. You know what I'm saying? Right. It's crazy.

It's forward thinking. It's like the crucifix. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, that's what it is. Or the crucifix is Santa and he has a naughty and nice list. He sees you in a safe thing. Oh, that's, oh, interesting. He knows when you're awake. I guess that's it, yeah.

So, yeah. So, but then the Harrisons, they've got to turn around and get back to David Caradine, right? While this is happening because they're like, Bruce Campbell having orgasmically turned into a vampire, struggling with his new identity because all of his vampire fighting things burn him. And then David Caradine is like, if it's a war they want, it's a war they'll get, and then takes off his necktie with a flourish. And I was just like foreshadowing. Yeah, you don't fight in a war with a fucking necktie.

Yeah. There's also this, they're all like the vampires are vampire. Like they unveiled their vampire bullets, right? And they're all spectacularly good shot. So they start taking out the good guy vampires. And the old lady that runs the store dies. Yes. And the movie is just like, it stops dead for a second and says, huh?

The old lady that ran the store. Yeah. And she's just like, finally, as if, because we remember that they had children that died. and she's like, I'll be with it. And you're like, oh, okay, I guess. She's going to fucking vampire. I guess that was kind of always the choice, though, right? Yeah, really, honestly.

Yes, it was. You know how to, like, just garlic apparently doesn't. Yeah. So, okay. So, so Merle, he calls Marjelac and he's like, hey, you know, we're being attacked by people with vampire bullets, which, to be clear, David Caradine knew. Yes.

Right. David Caradine could have called and warned them about it, but he doesn't. But that's, this is where Bruce wakes up, his crucifixes, is burning him. He pulls out his mirror and there's nothing there. He realizes that he's so funny. He's so good. Oh, he's fucking amazing. He's going full evil dead too and everyone

else is in from dust till dawn. And that's what's real fun. Yeah. Is two very different experiences. This is also where we get the first chainsaws of the movie. We will not see anyone get chainsawed. No. We will just see Burgundy be like, rare. And you're like,

yes. And then it never pays off. Again, it's got to be on the cutting room floor somewhere. It's literally just every chainsaw you've seen in a haunted house. It's like they get used the same. Yep, yep. And so, and then we get like we have every fucking gun fight scene from the goddamn 80s. How long did we do gun fights before somebody was like, why don't we make them interesting, guys? Oh, God.

I mean, and this movie does three of them. Yeah? Yeah, just over and over and over again. They're back to back to back. Right, right. Three of them from here. Yeah. Yes, from here.

That's all the last 20 minutes of the movie is. just like different groups shooting at each other. Yeah. Now all the vampires are pouring into the lab and the labs getting all fucked up where they make their blood. Murrell head butts his way through the wall and they all turn into bats.

Oh, I love that. That was pretty good. Emmett Walsh, Kool-Aid Manning through a wall was not on my bingo car. No, but I wanted it though. I love that that happened, especially with like the blazing saddle score behind them for the rest of this movie.

Oh, yeah. You're like, yeah, it's awesome. It's like, it's one of those things where you didn't know you needed it until you had it. And then you don't know how you ever lived without it, you know. Correct. Yeah. It's like in Hard Target where Jean-Claude Van Damme punches that snake. Yes.

Yes. Great example. Yeah. Amazing example. So, okay. So then we cut back to Shane. He's catching up with the, with the Harrisons, right? He's like on a horse now chasing him down.

Yeah. And now, but right before he can kill David, David, Caridine shows up with his posse. When they roll up riding on the outside of his limo, like this scene was shot and produced by Mark Ronson of Uptown Funk fame, I was like I was not expecting this. No, but then they get out like Goodfellas in suits with tiny crosso. Little tiny crosbows.

And then so, but then as they're doing this, we're like, well, you know, at least that's just two, but then the bad guy should. But then the bad guy group shows up, right? And they're like, ah, now we've got the drop on you. And they're like, we can't do that because we just got the drop on them. No, we got the drop on you. We got the double drop on you. But then a contingent, the ones that burst through the fucking wall with M.M.

at Walsh, when he Kool-Aid, man, they show up behind those guys. And they're like, no, we got the triple drop on you. And I'm like, oh, give me a fucking break. Not the triple drop. The triple drop. And then they have to, I don't know if anyone else noticed this, they had to do a job. just the shot and the lens. Yes.

Because when we first saw just the evil cavalry cavalry on the horses, they had like vaseline the lens so that everyone else is kind of in soft focus except for Shane. They're very much like villain, like villain shot. But then they realize that they have to have the other group come from behind. So they have to like shift focus so that it's like, and these people. Also, oh, man. Yeah.

Yeah. So, but Sarah gets away on one of the horses. Shane gives chase. We get another boring gun fight, right? This is two in a row. Yeah. I did love that the dad comes over and he's like, hey, everyone, currently in this hundreds of horsepower car, get out and get on this one horsepower horse and escape,

you idiots. Right, right. It's way slower and less effective. Yeah. It's much more dramatic, though. It is. It is way more dramatic. Yeah.

So mom gets the kids back to the house. house and she's like, go to the secret passage and hide for the rest of the movie. And they're like, really, the rest of the movie? She's like, you will not factor in in any fucking way. In any capacity from here on out. So, but they go down, mom's going to stay back, right? Because she

wants to fuck Shane one more time. Like, let's face it. Like, she's making this happen, right? As I texted Todd before we started recording, surprising no one, let's hear Shane out, maybe. Let's see what Shane's offer. It might see what she's

life. Maybe. I don't know. So, but yeah, but Shane and her are fighting the good guys are going to limo their way back to the mansion, which somehow is slower than taking a horse, right? And then they go to the wrong mansion. I was like, why didn't you guys just drive to the one that had the horses? But then they're like stuck on the other side of the fence, and I'm like, it's across the street. You could just walk there. Yes. It's your place. I mean, if it's the doors locked, he's got the keys. He's David Carrading. It's his place. Yeah. Yeah. But, Yeah, but then the bad guys get there and we do that.

Like, we got the drop one you seen again. And then we do a third boring gunfight. Yes. Yeah. Jesus Christ. You don't get it, though, because it's, they're wooden bull. It's like there's so much drama because of the wood and, no, it's boring. Like, we've done this three times already.

We're good. And it was boring the first time. Yeah. So then we have a long, like, hilarious, like, Shane's looking for her. She's sneaking around right behind him in sort of a, just, like a cartoonishly, well, obviously you would hear her kind of a moment. He could see her. She's in his field of vision.

Right, right. But it's not a tell me she mistakenly cuts her hand that he can smell her blood. Right. Like a shark. Fucking dumb. Yeah. Yeah. So David's like, I'm going in after my wife.

He's like, they're trapped on the wrong side of the fence or whatever. He's like, I'm going to go through the secret passage and save my wife. And we're like, how do you even know about that? You weren't here when we were here for it. Yeah. We do not know he knows about that. No. And then everybody's like, what that makes sense.

You're the weakest character in the entire movie, right? The only one without superpower. So it makes sense that you would go and we would put all of our hope on you. This is where Van Helsing gives him his like flask of holy water. Well, he's a vampire. Like he doesn't need it anymore. It's like if it spilled would kill him. And it's just in his pocket.

Right. Straight out of demon night. Just like here, take this. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. And so Sandy's like. I'll go with you to get across the secret passage

because we'll need more characters for that confrontation. Right. So then we cut back to Sarah and she's like you know, Shane has smelled her now so she backs into her bedroom. Her bedroom. Right? And she like falls down on the bed and she's like, oh dear. Oh no. He's like

what happens happens? You know like Kay Sarah Sarah. Yeah, Ksera and Sarah. We got a, his villain monologue. It's all exposition. Yes. And so that actor, Maxwell Calfield, is British, and has like a strong British accent,

and his American accent is iffy. And so it sounds extra strange. It's real bonkers. Well, and also it's trying to like paper over some of the stupidity of the story, right? Because he's like, and so I wanted you back. So I pretended to put in the wrong valve so that we'd have to call David in so that he would have to do it. And coincidentally, it so happened that the day that you were going to do that, also was the day that Jefferson was going to have his revolution.

So I was like, great. Anyway, I'm going to rape you. I've got a lot on my plate. Can we just bang it out real quick? Is the vibe of this sexual assault? Well, here's the thing, because he basically is like, I'm going to assault you. And she says, take me, which I would say consent. However, my question then is, is she glamored?

I wonder at the same thing. Is she glamored? By her memories of the thicky girthness That is Shane's steak. I was like, is she glimmered or is she wet? Like what is what's going on? Well, her name's not Sandy. No.

Porcane los nos dos. Yeah, okay. So my high school Spanish is coming right back. But then Shane breaks in and she's like, no, I said, no, don't. I said, don't take me. Right. Actually, can I point this out? Because when her husband is like hearing her screams from the outside of the room,

he then turns around. Before he goes in there, he's like, all right, I'll just go. You don't have time to tell your friends it's personal. Your wife is screaming. It seems like he wanted to have plausible. denialability if she was killed and he was kind of fine if she was. Oh, see, I think there's

another possibility is that he heard the screams and he's like, she might be liking it. I'll go in first. I don't want to interrupt. Yeah. I'll go in first and get a seat and then you guys can do whatever. So he bursts in and he's got his wooden bullet gun right now and he

can't think of anything clever to say. No. Right. So he shoots him and they do that thing that they do in movies where they're like, I shot him I'm not sure if he's dead. Let me let my guard down and get in real close. Yep. Right?

Like I don't fucking have to. So, of course, he's not dead. Of course he's not dead. Yeah. Well, and Sarah gets knocked out on a wall where she just kind of backs up too fast. But yeah. And then she's unconscious. Oh, no.

Yeah. Her little lady head just couldn't take it. Yeah. Yeah. So now Shane's got David and he's choking him, but he's got the holy water. So he dumps it on the back of his head and we do a very long death scene. I love that the death scene started like every dandruff commercial

from the 90s like oh it's burning because it's working guys it's not because it's giving you brain cancer or whatever like yeah this is raw holy water you're pouring on yourselves like animals why don't you calm down while I forgive your head

weird he goes throw me the gun and I'm like you could hand him the gun you're very close right there wakes up but she throws it he shoots him the chest and now Shane is dead. Yeah, finally. Finally. So, and then it occurs to Sandy and her cohort that, like, they're actually behind the

enemy in a gunfight and they could, like, do a lot of good from there, right? So they go out to do some shooting. Sarah and David head back via the secret passage to the good guy's side. We find the little girls there, they were hiding in the coffin. Yep. They were visiting David Caradine's mother. Yeah. Right.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Good thing the mom wasn't in there. Yeah. But also, like, that is the most obvious hiding place. I mean, like, I don't want to give them too much. But, like, hiding under it would have been more, like, hiding in it.

That's the first place you get a fucking look. Yeah, a hundred percent. If I'm in a vampire gun battle and I go into a basement with a coffin in it, I'm putting three in the coffin at least. Yeah. Just like as a precaution. Yeah. That's where they sleep. Right.

No, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So then we have, like, same. Sandy's last stand, right, where the bad guys break in on her and she gets her defensive umbrella. Ella, Ella, A, A, A, killing with an umbrella.

Yeah. I did love that it opens after it goes through him. Yeah. Well, like, how long is the handle on this umbrella, right? Right. Like, I feel like once you go through it, like, she would have to, like, push the handle most of the way into his stomach. Because it doesn't count until it's wood, right? Oh, interesting.

Interesting. Yeah. It's wooden state. maybe. Yeah. Right. It's not just fucking umbrella. Right. Yeah. So, but, but she stabs this guy, but they do manage to get her like, Jefferson shows up and it takes her hostage. Right. Right. Yeah. And so Marjula, he comes up and he's like, Marjelac, you guys have to stop shooting at me or I'll kill Sandy. Right. Now, while this is happening, Shane and Sarah are building the third act set piece of this movie. Yes. Okay. Yes. And he just runs into a room and screams, I need wood. And I'm like,

Like, it's what your wife said. The last time the game was over. He does start, like, smashing up every piece of furniture in that room with a sledgehammer. Because apparently the only thing that can get him hard is property damage. I guess, yeah. He just killed the man who cucked him. He is more turned on now than he ever has been. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. Yeah, he's just, he's taking down that furniture with his cock. Exactly. The hammer. Yeah. So he's gathering up all this broken wood and taking it to the. roof. At the same time, David Carrady and says, all right, Jefferson, well, if you're so mad at me, why don't we click draw against each other? And we're like, why the fuck would he do that? Right.

Right. It makes no sense. But he's like, no, we're the same age, you and I. We're probably equally matched in quick draw. Yeah, yeah, I'll settle this with a quick draw. And then it becomes gun smoke, but for vampire. So it's like, bittal-l-l-l-l-l-vamp, vamp, vamp. And then like, you know, like a tumbleweed single bulb of garlic rolls down the street behind them. It's like that kind of thing. Scree, scree, spree, spree. Is that bat noise? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, but then also there's a lot of people like standing directly behind the participants in this quick draw. I feel like you want to do side to sign on this. Yeah. It's probably not a great spot. I've seen back to the future too enough to know this is a mistake. Right, yeah. So, but then he like pulls, he out quick draws Jefferson. Of course, he kills him.

And Jefferson's like, how? We're the same age. He's like, no, I'm secretly older. I've been Dracula this whole time. The whole time. Can you believe it? Yeah. We all knew.

Yeah, no, it was pretty obvious that that was where we were going. But I'll tell you what wasn't fucking obvious. Because then he shoots some of the bad guys, but then he runs out of bullets, right? He can't do it. He can't take them all. But just then, fucking David and Sarah lifted. the giant crucifix that they've been building

with all this broken wood to the top of the roof because vampires can't stand crosses crosses burn them Jesus saves the day it's a Christian movie after all and if that seems like a bit of a stretch I should point out

that the good guy of vampires are fine right yes he literally says God forgives us God we forgave us that was in insane. Because I'm like, does that mean you're not a vampire anymore, that you're just a person? Because they seem to still be vampires, but he's like, we're forgiven.

And I was like, is Christian vampires? Like, what is it? Oh, yes. Jesus is like, all right, you guys made the true blood. Now you're okay with me. Yeah. Yes. And David Garradeen, upon realizing that Jesus has forgiven the vampires, cries in happiness.

What a fucking bizarre-ass ending to any movie, but to this movie especially, right? This movie that can't decide whether it's a Western or a comedy or a fucking gunslinger, whatever the fuck it wants to be at the last moment to be like, no, it was Christian the whole time. Go into all the world and preach the bloodsple. Like that is how this movie ends. He's like, we need to go to other vampires and show them the way. And I'm like, are they vampire missionaries? I think that they are.

Yes. This is a movie that banks on the sunk cost fallacy that you'll get past this scene. Right. Like, you're just like, oh, shit, I've already sat through like 98% of it. I may as well finish it. Right. So, yeah, so we get that we get a quick wrap up scene where, so we get my best worst, right? Because the little girl at this point, Juliet, she comes up to her mom.

And she goes, mom, that vampire said he was. my dad, is that true? And mom goes, no. And that part is resolved. She literally says your daddy's your dad. But in her head she's like, she's like, but in her head, she's like, but Shane will always be my daddy.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I don't call him daddy though. Yeah. And so, but then Juliet sure is happy that her dad isn't the vampire that her dad murdered, I guess. And then Bruce Gamble laughs. inappropriately and we end the goddamn movie like a fucking Scooby-Doo

episode. Okay, okay, but I will defend Bruce Campbell's laughter because David Caradine delivers a joke badly and he laughs at the joke no one else does, but he says we have to go tell other

vampires the good news so that this war will not have been in vain as in your veins. Vane, vein, get it? Vane, get it? And Bruce Campbell's like, And then no one else laughs. But it was delivered so poorly, you're like, why is this happening? Unless you are like, oh, vain, veins.

Yep, not veins. Apparently they like puns now, I guess. They love puns. Who doesn't like puns, Paige? These people, they couldn't get them through their head. Clearly. All right. Well, Todd, Paige, I cannot thank you enough for hanging out with us today.

And just very quickly, if our audience wanted to hear more from you and more of you talking about movies, where would they go to do that? You can go wherever podcasts are pervade to find Horror Virgin or romancing the pod or we're talking about movies all the time or we have a Facebook group, we have a Discord, we have a subreddit.

You can join any one of those where we are interacting and talking about movies all the time and we also have a Patreon if you want to see more stuff from us. Yeah. Awesome. Awesome. And of course you can also just check the show notes

and you'll find their show link there as well. And while that does it for our review of Vampire Sundown and Retreat or whatever the fuck it was, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to entice you back. So I guess I'll tell you what's on deck. It's called The Visitation, which, quote, reveals a small town torn apart by supernatural events involving a mysterious stranger and is unsolved past, end quote, which could mean literally anything. So yeah, I guess the spookagular continues for one more week. And with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 580 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to page and Todd for the end of reminder to check this. show knows to hear more from them and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, got it on our sibling, the alien, the citation data,

D&D, minus, and the skeptic right, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email like Godofomovam and gus and Gmail. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Drafts on Mars, all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us to check your life this week for Heath Enright and Eli Bostic. I'm No Lucian's promise to work hard or earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Clothes. Sarah went on to buy Dave a pair of plastic vampire fangs for date night. Juliet went on to have an incomplete understanding of her familiar risk of heart disease, cancer, and a number of other health risks. Sarah went on to try and find out if she could get some more bat dick on the side. Sarah continued to explore caves on every vacation. Yeah. Fuck us up with that title. Jesus Christ.

It's too long. Yeah. The vampire in retreat? Can I, I mean, I am borderline convinced that David Caradine, pitched that title because that's the exact type of weird shit he would say. It is absolutely. And then he's just like, no, guys, it's retreat because they're retreating, but also it's like a retreat that they're going to.

Right. Right. Like, no, we get it. It's just dumb. He's retreating from being a villain. He feels like everything he says in any movie is philosophical. Yes. And it's like, buddy, you're playing a Dracula anagram that has too many letters.

It's not an anagram. It's not an anagram. Dracula, yeah. But that's, like, they're trying to make... You know, the thing is, is our voice acting in these sketches is notoriously a little weak, so... Great.

I'm gonna fit in so well here. Not a lot to live up to. Wait till you hear my German accent. No, wait. I don't know. I cut that, I cut that bed. Oh, never mind. Okay, good. Interstitial 2.

The movie, the movie made it pretty fucking easy. That's what's great about doing terrible movies. Like, Paige and I also, do some movies that are good. And those movies are just, or those episodes are more or less just us being like, yeah, it's like really good. I guess. I love to check it out. Yeah, it's great. I love it. But the episodes are like, that are insane movies are the craziest. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Give us a phantasm for any. Oh, we haven't done that one. Well, I got, honestly, like, you're like the, the one that you just

use as your example is your go-to. That just seems like it's got to be one on, that's on our list. Uh, I mean, Well, Fantasm works entirely on dream logic, or at least that's what the director has said. Oh, okay. Every movie in this series is different. They try to have common lore, but it's like they think they've told you the lore and they didn't. So the entire movie operates on like, you know, the embalming mustards. And you're like, I didn't know. I had no idea.

All right. I was not at that meeting. I apologize. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2026, all rights reserved.