God Awful Movies - 6: GAM006 Left Behind: World at War

Episode Date: September 29, 2015

In this week's episode, we tackle the exciting conclusion to the exciting conclusion to the Left Behind trilogy, and rejoice in not having to watch another Kirk Cameron movie next week.By the way, if anybody's up for Eli's Brother White preview challenge, you can find the preview here. If you'd like to hear more from Ryan Slotnick, you can check out Evil Giraffes on Mars as well.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Very libertarian savior, I'd be like, listen, if people are going to get damned, they're going to get damned, you know, sort of bootstrap themselves into salvation. How about that? It's actually been studies that find when you don't help people save themselves, they

save themselves. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I would let the poor starve. Sorry. Not awful. Movie. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where every week we sample another selection from Christian

cinema in an effort to prove that men could handle something as painful as childbirth. Sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath, welcome back. Thank you, sir. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my other good friend Eli Bosnich Eli. Good to you to join us sir. Oh I'm glad to be here. So tell us Heath what are we breaking down this week? We've got left behind world at war.

It is the exciting conclusion to a three part cautionary tale about the perils of international diplomacy and world peace. Quick recap to get everyone up to speed, the rapture happened, and the bad guy in this post-rapture scenario is the UN Secretary General who's trying to end world hunger and get rid of nuclear weapons. Boo, boo, right. Yay, hunger, boo. world hunger and get rid of nuclear weapons booboo right yeah hunger boo the uh... hunger ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha we have to talk about the big change in the franchise between number two and number three and that was of course the addition of academy award-winning

actor who obviously didn't invest wisely in the eighties lu gausset junior exactly don't buy silver right to play the in battle post-apocalyptic u.s. president so before we even get started what do you guys think of of of lose performance here uh... well i thought it's a great job by the casting directors are easy it's like a black

morgan freeman perfect perfect Well, I thought it was a great job by the casting directors. He's like a black Morgan Freeman Perfect Perfect What I love that about Lou is that they it seemed to me that they you not only was Lou fantastic But it seemed to me that they used Lou to cover up for the fact that they switched the other black guy Right so that they like oh guys, we switched black guys. That's super racist and offensive. What are you talking about? We got a whole new black guy how could we do racist we got a whole we added another black guy the president as we're just any more it's question of the math so it now I do have to say though

everybody else's shitty acting really kind of stood out next to Lou that it certainly didn't make it better. So, okay, now we've seen the whole trilogy. How do you guys rank the three movies? Well, this third one had an actor, like you just said, like a working actor from like the two-hour movie business. So, I'm gonna say three, two, one, reverse order. That's how I enjoyed them. All right, and Eli?

I would go one, three, and two. So one being the best because it has the knights who say knee and forehead girl who it turns out would just never have to talk about again. Three because you get force powers and Lugas at junior of course and then the switched black guy and then two because nothing happened. Nothing happened that entire. I definitely I'm gonna split the difference between the two of you guys. And I definitely agree that two was the worst, but I'm gonna say this one was the best. I had way more fun with this one than I did with the other two, but I think it's also worth pointing out that among a list of any three venereal diseases, one is the least bad.

So, yeah, I don't want to... Yeah, exactly. If it doesn't start with an age, you just get a shot. Yeah. We know what we're talking about. Come on. So he'd tell me how bad was this movie? Well, you know, it was like you were describing there. It's like a like a pleasant Venerial disease, you know, it's your third time around so you know what to expect and you know and this time there's an attractive older black man heavily involved. So yeah, well

You've got a relationship with the nurses. They're like, come on now. Seriously, rapid or tap it. You're like, I know. I know. I gave it to her that she gave it back to me. It's kind of the thing now. It's kind of a thing.

I don't know. And Eli, how would you assess the overall cinematic experience here? Well, this one actually was incredibly enjoyable because it was like all of the boring, terrible characters from the first two movies got transported to a real action movie, but because they're boring and terrible, they couldn't do anything, they weren't any use.

It's like they just got put into a die hard movie and it was like, you gotta climb across the broken glass and get to the, I'm just gonna sit here and Maybe the maybe someone else could do that I Ideal for this Today's a cheat day I've got to say I had that feeling the entire time in this movie that it was like a crossover film between a real movie in the first two

Left behind flex and here's a little evidence to back all that up I wait this is we're talking about the third film in a trilogy that's based on a best-selling book series and they'd added an Oscar-winning actor as the lead and still the producers had to open this fucking movie in churches instead of theaters. By the way, it was the last 50 pages of book two of a 16 book series. Yes, that's right. Apparently I'll show it in on the content for this one. It's also worth noting, by the way, the first trailer for this movie was released in 2002, more than three years before the movie itself was released. I'm guessing that had something to do with lose lawyer losing a long battle after seeing the finished product.

I can't verify that though. Yeah, exactly. Finally, he hung himself in his office and they were like, great release date next time. All right, well, the sooner we get through this, the sooner I'm onto non-curt camera and movies. So we're going to take a quick break together our gumption, and when we come back, we're going to discuss all the enigmatic script vomit that is left behind world at war. Hi Arnold! Arnold Pena, come on in love your work in cipher man really really good stuff thanks man thanks I really appreciate it great so you're gonna be reading for the part of Bruce okay now wait Bruce isn't at the part played by Clarence Killjord yeah yeah he's not able to make this project. I guess he's got um like bookshelf

Cancer so I don't know. It wasn't super clear about it. I see is anybody else changing? Uh, I mean no, I don't think people would be able to follow the story if we like replace Kurt Cameron You know what I'm saying? I see so they won't notice this one because Listen, let me give you an example. Steve, can you come in here for a minute? Yeah, hey man, what's up? Oh wow, Clarence, Clarence, skill your junior awesome to meet you.

This is great. Thanks so much Steve, that'll be all. Wow. Yeah, you want to see something worse? Check this out. Hey Steve, come back in here for a second. Yeah, oh wow, Morgan Freeman. You are amazing You're awesome in all those come on. That's just not object permanence there. Steve Steve close your eyes. Oh

Okay, sorry mr. Friedman. Okay great and open them. Oh Jay Simpson wow Okay, so we're gonna start shooting in November that work for you. Yeah, yeah, I guess it does look at Oprah And we're back for the breakdown and the very first thing this movie wants everybody to know is that it has Luke Cussett Jr. in it and also he's no Morgan Freeman based on the voiceover. Yeah It's like if Morgan Freeman was giving a voiceover But he was doing it for four different documentaries so he lost this train of thought that day was like the penguins march on to the bullet time Laura Croft knew I'm God and Bruce Almighty Batman I've got a machine here that

makes the penguins oh god I shouldn't have taken that asset and just to give everybody an idea of the backdrop of this thing we are in the White House and it has been Explodinated so like shit has really hit the fan. Yeah, I just had a question about the choice on the set for this Oval Office, but why is there a picnic table a really old picnic table in the Oval Office? It's flipped over now and it's just leaning there against to desk too. We all know what the first thing a black guy would do if he became prisoners. Set up a picnic table with some water, man. Am I right?

Who's with me? Trust me? Oh, I'm a vicious racist. OK. LAUGHTER And of course, now we're going to get back to all of that because the movie takes us back in time to one week earlier When apparently a bunch of trucks were driving down a road

Right exactly and this is now listen I'm going to do something for the people listening to this podcast Which the movie did not fucking do for us which is these are the Christian Christian underground these are the Christian underground missionaries who are one of the two sets of good guys in this movie. There are two sets of good guys in this movie. There is a militia that is not Christian and then there's the Christians which include Chloe and Kirk Cameron and Blade stick Vanderbilt. And it'd be nice if the movie had made any effort to like let you in on that rather that you want to know who people are in this movie Go fuck you

Look it up bitch So what is happening is these trucks are driving into what appears to be a military compound To steal something When they are discovered by police and I just want to point out the first moment of this where the cop car pulls up a cop car Pulls up that could not look less like a cop car They could have just had a guy walk up with a cardboard box that had cop car written on the side and it would have been better It's great. It's bright green. It has no sirens and it has like police spelled wrong with an ass It's just like hey if you want to know what kind of quality you're gonna get from this movie

there's just what we think cop cars look like I wrote down it's the bad guys from the rock except they're not stealing missiles this time what are they taking? and then it gets answered for me we've got to get these bibles out of here there's still an accident It gets answered for me. We've got to get these bibles out of here

During an accident Bible. Yes, ask to Nancy. So yeah, they're breaking into a military base to steal Bibles that's what right because the Bibles have been confiscated Oh, so they get caught by the cops and then Chris Chris from movie two Remember Chris the god of Down syndrome He's there and he gets shot instantly well in the cops go you're under arrest blam blam blam and you're also dead Yeah, they use the black guy method of arrest and I Handbook for arrest there you're under Rest oh

That's on me that is on me. I'll take three three weeks of paid leave. That is on me. I'll take three weeks of paid leave. That's on me. I deserve it. So the cop, after they shoot him in the back, they pull off his mask and he asks, it's homo-crisci. And they say, who do you work for? And he says, I work for God Almighty. It's on the other side.

Just in case the stealing Bible's back thing wasn't heavy-handed enough And one of one of the things that I love about that is the the cop reacts to his response of I work for God the way I did Yeah, both were like Shoot him in the head shoot him in the face Shoot him is thick thick face Which by the way just a side note about when they shoot him this is something I have not seen in any other movie ever Usually they shoot him and it's just a blackout or they shoot him and there's like a noise

They shoot him and little flex of bone and blood come flying up into the screen Well actually that was just a clever dissolve into the next thing we say Well actually that was just a clever dissolve into the next thing we say What you're actually seeing is the president shooting clay pigeons, but they they they push it together so much that it looks like a brain exploding Oh, yeah, he's knows got all over me come on man Stand up and shoot down that one one have been some of the resting point gross, gross Brian. Are you going to be mad the whole drive home? Yeah, I'm going to be bad the whole drive home. You got a guy's face on me. So then we cut

to the aforementioned clay pigeon shooting scene. And I should mention that this this scene was shot like like about a year before scenes with Vice President shooting things got really fucking funny. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Oh, good.

Dick Cheney's in the movie. And he's firing rifles with the president. What could possibly go wrong? Yeah. He's going shooting with the guy from Whiplash. Yeah. So then, so they're sitting there talking together. The first thing he says to him is, look, you're my vice president and my best friend,

which I think is a very weird line for the president to say in this movie, you're my vice president and my best friend. I don't think Obama's ever said that to Biden. Just been like, Joe, I want you to know that not just that, but we'll BFFs. Go on, put on the bracelet, Joe. And beyond that, I mean, like, wouldn't you think

that the Veepe would know those two pieces of information? I mean, who is he telling that to? It just announces it every 40 seconds, whatever relationship he has with a person. You're my wife and also my wife. Thanks, Lou. Still my wife. All right, go and shopping. So basically, the vice president has chosen this moment, not right away, but has chosen ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and the head of the world's religion. Yep, that too. You do the fuck knows. He's planning to attack America.

And this conversation continues, but the movie moves on for some reason. So we continue to have the exact same conversation, but now we're in a motorcade. Right, this is where the vice president is updating him on, he says, well, what did we find out from their transmissions? He goes, they were coded,

so we don't know what they said, but their biological formulas, they're developing they said, but they're biological formulas They're developing a biological agent and they're planning to nuke us. It's like wow what didn't you get out of it? Well, we don't know what they ordered for lunch Kroppami was really good in coding so like I could have had a sandwich or a salad I've no idea. I can't tell you mr. President and just as he's warning him that the president is one of the prime targets They start to explode from apparently underneath. Yes.

All of the cards, and which the President, they are very clearly exploding either from the inside or underneath, and yet the President tells his driver, hurry up, let's out run him. You cannot outrun a car that is blowing up from the inside. I assumed that these cars had all been a Swift with car bombs, which made his instruction really confusing. But then when they get out of the car, it's apparently not that because someone shoots

an RPG at the president. Right, which apparently they only had enough money to do that once so they had to blow the other cars up from inside. By the way, apparently his driver was in on this because like the driver runs off and leaves the president by himself. So like, I'm thinking, okay, if the president's driver is in on the assassination attempt,

do we really need to blow anything up? Guys, we could just have Dan turn around. It's just turn around. That's all that's required to Dan is to turn around and fire a gun at the president. You guys know bullets work. We don't have to blow up. I said I want to blow them up. Okay, okay, blow them up, blow them up. But we only got one RPG. Everyone else gets a car bomb. That's fine. That's fine. I just like the idea of like a Stinger missile. Make sure there's some

people on snowmobiles nearby because that'll look awesome. Right. Exactly. Someone watched a bond movie and they were like snowmobiles.iles got it you don't want to watch the scene nope I know that snow bills mean action movie back to prayer there's no god damn reason for them to be there so now yeah we've got explosions we've got RPGs we've got guys on motorcycles we've got machine guns going off we've got fucking snow mobiles full blown action flick with nothing happening exactly just all of these elements being brought together. Including a woman on a motorcycle who seems to kill about 15 contra bad guys with the spreader gun all at once. Yeah, exactly. She drives up. By the way, we have

no idea who this character is. I'm going to help you who's listening to the podcast now and tell you she's a member of the militia who we're gonna meet in about forty minutes and yeah she shoots everyone down like it's Duke Nukem 3D she's just like and everyone's just like yeah she dies very conveniently in a line yeah it was nice of me to line up for like that and then she says some adding magic shit to the president about how the vice president was a good man not good enough for us to show up before he got murdered apparently because he got blown up in the limo but he was a good man okay so we've gone from explosions and snow

mobile machine guns and all of these RPGs and shit to probably the most boring thing that you could possibly go to next we start off in this blown up church where apparently all the characters from the first two movies are getting married, one of them to a character that we've never met before. Never met, but looks physically identical to a character from the first two movies who she is not. Yes, exactly, exactly.

And is marrying the love interest of the person that that character was the love interest for in the first two movies, too, yeah? And if you've just stopped and thought to yourself hey guys that's really confusing can't you make this clearer no me fucking can because this movie is insane i can't explain to you the book that Nietzsche wrote about how trains are gonna come get you and i can't explain this fucking movie all right it's not a lack of information it's just a crazy piece of shit right and it's not a lack of information. It's just a crazy piece of shit. Right. And it's such a piece of shit that someone actually thought that the right idea following this action sequence where the vice president gets killed and the president

almost gets assassinated is seven minutes of vows. Right. We have two couples getting married and we actually sit through all four vows. Yes. And also it's very important to realize we'll get to the vows in a second. They replaced the black character with a different black character. Yeah. Every single character in this movie is the same except for the black guy. Yeah. Who they just got a different black guy for use the name and never acknowledge.

No one's like, Hey Bruce, your face changed. Nope, it's just, they just assumed that no one in their audience would notice. They'd just be like, is that? He must have lost weight. Anyways, Jesus. So they've got it. That's how offensive and terrible this movie is, is that everyone else has stayed except for the original actor whose name I don't remember.

Clarence Killier Jr. Yeah, they couldn't book him this time. a darren to yes. Yeah, exactly couldn't get Clarence at this time, but they just got a different black guy and moved forward from there. Well, I actually checked on that because that struck me so odd because you're like, okay, like this is Clarence Killier Jr. It's not exactly a hard get. And according to the IMDb page for this movie, they said there was a scheduling conflict, but I looked at his IMDb page,

and he did absolutely nothing. No films between the release of the last left behind movie and 2012. There was like a 10 year gap in his acting career that coincided with the schedule. The scheduling conflict was screaming in his room because he finally got around to watching the movies. In 2003, he was like, you know what?

I got to watch those left behind movies. And then he screamed until 2011. And then when he was in a mental hospital until 2004, he was like, all right, ready to be in movies again. Let me see the fucking script. Yeah. I feel like he had a scheduling conflict I read it and be in movies again. Let me see the fucking script. Yeah, exactly. I feel like he had a scheduling conflict the way I do

when I, you know, we have like terrible friends who always want to have us over for dinner. They're like, oh my god, we need to get together. It's like, oh, I would, but Anna has AIDS. It's got it so, but yeah, she's got cancer in her in her wall socket Picture frame bookcase. Oh Yeah, big old picture frame bookcase. Are you just saying things you see? No, what I love you guys. I'm so umbrella stand Oh! By the way, why did they choose...

Okay, so this movie can't decide exactly how dystopian it is because sometimes in the movie, like everything's bombed out and exploding and burning and stuff, and sometimes they're just in a city. So, why did they choose to get married in Mordor? It makes no fucking sense. Because all the churches have been bombed out. Oh, is that what it is? Okay. Yeah, the churches, I think we're supposed to believe

that the churches and places of prayer and good government have been destroyed. But Nicola Tesla or whatever his name is, has like a nice office building with elevators. Yeah, security. That's exactly. No one was like, hey, Nicola, why are these all these blown up churches?

Like why don't we turn those into something? I know no no just leave them Leave them there and make sure they're still burning You know Did this just happen yesterday or do they just go and set new fires every couple days right? He's like hey fire guys for here to just keep making how are your fires? They're still burning okay. Oh, I just checking Just checking it's doing my job, right? No need to take that it's like when the con it guy comes to check

the meeting really oh listen I gotta let yourself go back on fire man this is not my decision all right so just for the record the characters that are getting married here are current camera and I mean buck Williams Chloe who seems to have trimmed down nicely and looks completely clear clowy did some uh... p90 x in between also ray blade mountain puncher and this new character amanda or mandy let's let's make sure that the character has a name and a nickname that we use

interchangeably and also looks like two other characters in this fucking movie like they expected me to keep track of a lot of middle-aged blonde chicks in this movie. So here's how I did it. I did good in culture and then the fight tour is this bad in culture. They both look exactly like in culture, so there's good in culture and bad in culture. Now, but there's a third blonde that you have to throw in there who I think of as good

Gwyneth Paltrow, but yeah, we'll get to her in a minute. Um, I just wanted to point out that, uh, Mandy, who is, I guess, good and culture, calls her husband Captain in her vows, which is so weird. So there are many weird things in the vows. Chloe says, I will comfort you with my body in her vows, which I threw up in my mouth. I threw up in my mouth. I threw up in my mouth. He's like, I'll comfort you in my own. Oh, no.

That's no. You know, if anyone ever says they're going to comfort you with their body and you're not about to cut them open and use them for warmth like a taunt on, it's not going to go well. Is the only comfort with someone's body you want and then of course since nobody fucks anybody in christian movies after their wedding they all sit down for chinese food i guess so the next scene is all of them having lunch and discussing exposition right exactly discussing exposition they're reminding you if you

didn't watch the episode two or the second movie that Rayford steel-stort Captain sorry Captain Rayford Steven is white's gonna say that in his vows. I should probably say it too Captain steel blade Nicknar is the pilot for the anti-Christ and he does that because he's keeping an eye on him or something Yeah, who knows he did something in the second movie If you're wondering if he does anything about it in the third movie. Oh, no, he does not know nothing at all So now yeah, like so he gets this

mysterious Page text thing that it says he's got to run off very quickly and as they'll do over and over again in this movie They say oh you're in a hurry. Well, let's stop in pray first over again in this movie they say oh you're in a hurry well let's stop in pray first exactly this movie treats print stopping and praying the way normal action movies treat like here take this gun with just one bullet like that they're gonna use later on like wait the gun with just one bullet pick out except they're just like wait wait wait stop and imagine for a second okay good good now you thought in your head let's go They're just like, wait, wait, wait, stop and imagine for a second.

Okay, good, good. Now you thought in your head, let's go. And I thought something wants to go on right here. Kirk Cameron definitely derailed this scene a little bit. They're like, all right, let's pray together and pass. He's like, all right, as I walk through the valley of the shed, and they have to stop. Kirk, you're grunting the prayer along with me It's just supposed to me me talking and you're literally you're grunting the prayer out loud and You're still mouthing it though. You're still you're still tapping rhythm on the table

This is a movie. We're still rolling It's just me or can am I the only one that cannot hear about God's rod and staff without giggling. I can't hear about it without jerking it out. That's it. All right, so now we get back to the president because let's face who gives a shit about Kirk and his buddies. I mean, you know, there's a fucking dead vice president and we're wasting time on these

guys having Chinese food post wedding. And I just want to point out a couple of things. First of all, Nikolai is in a skyscraper there which he uses to rule the world from. Yeah. And the universal ruler logo is terrible graphic design. That's the first thing I want. It's just like half a globe with some letters

and an arrow or a sword. Well, it's kind of, it's obviously like a kind of a take on the u.n. symbol but you know because the people who made this movie think the u.n. is evil but so we we learn that the president has to go see Nikolai but before that you know he's he's talking to some of his advisors about what happened to the to the vice president and one of the advisors says everything points to Nikolai and then he's sort of like well in what way and they're like well just in a in a general it doesn't say that in the script man it just says

points to work with me here but you can't just that's my line my line then you then you leave the scene cuts and I go get lunch be a jerk Morgan Freeman so he gets to the uh... to the uh... antigrass building and he gets in the elevator and I can't help but think I wonder if he's gonna reverse this elevator I wonder if he's gonna push up and it's gonna go down But he apparently he already used that trick already use that trick

Yeah, exactly. He does like a lot of other stuff and He pulls out an evil green vile just right Like like hey, this is gonna be important later, see it's green and there's evil in it. He has the ooze from the Ninja Turtles. Why did I call you here no reason? It definitely has nothing to do with these glass viles of poison that I'm juggling right now.

They're irrelevant. Don't even get that. Just want you to watch me turn this upside down right back up again. It's the stuff that was in the green balls from the rock exactly that's it no one point out another great nickle i moment here where he points out that you know some people think i am satan doing good things doesn't matter to the christians and i think this is such a

good point within this world of this movie like world peace has not impressed them at all and exactly has not impressed them at all and exactly has not impressed them at all in fact it's suspicious to them yeah exactly and uh... just just jump it back real quick to the beginning of the season one of my favorite moments when when the president walks in the anti-Christ does that

spin around in the office chair thing to greet him but he didn't like he was like marlin Monroe or something is like an on-screen is like oh hello didn't like he was like Marilyn Monroe or something. He's like an orange and he's like oh hello Didn't see there the performance did not match the action eternal the chair slowly spins and the shadows and then he's like hey girl Hi Oh my god are you counting down till pumpkin spike lattes because this fat bitch Anyways, I'm the anti-crime Yeah, so by the way we should learn we later learn just cuz I don't want anyone to be confused that the vile that he is So casually playing with is a biological weapon which makes him taking it out of the case and just tilting it around make no

fucking say just like loop de lue and Threx lube de lue virus no fucking say just like loop to you and tracks loop it is you buy this well it also like that this is something he's trying to keep secret from the president you know so like that you know the president has to later find out all the green gas why would you show him that you had a green gas all this is just like uh... of my new lava lamp why is it in white you have four of them and why is there no light don't worry

about it's no big deal so here we are twenty five minutes into this fucking movie it hasn't remotely started to establish a plot but it will at this point bring in yet another middle-aged plot woman we're supposed to keep track of this one is uh... miss miller yes and she's from the militia she's the lady who machine gunned the bad guys and we know that because she says John was a good man. John was a good man and luckily no one has said that to the president since then Or ever again, and that's how he knows Wink yeah exactly exactly apparently John didn't have a lot of friends and

Then we then we cut back to Kirk because like we were all wondering what was going on with Kirk. Turns out it was, uh, getting kidnapped and thrown in a van. Right. And then he is interrogated by the president himself. It's just so fucking weird. Okay. So again, if you think into yourself, you guys are doing a really bad job of explaining this movie. Why would the president kidnap Kirk Cameron? I don't know. The movie doesn't care. They never tell you there is no reason ever

given within this film for the president to kidnap Kirk Cameron ever. It just fucking happens so that you can bring the two of them together and oh my God if you ever doubted how shitty a fucking actor Kirk Cameron is watch him literally sit across the table from Lou Godson Jr. Yeah, it's the contrast he is really astounding. I mean you have to imagine going to LaSura and someone just takes a shit in the middle of your table and you're like, mm okay well my chicken cord on blue looks great but the I can see you ate a rubber band. I don't know why a person would need a rubber band. This is ruining my meal. Why don't you like your chicken? No, the chicken's fine Put a lot of chicken. You should get more fiber in your

So and yeah exactly Kirk can't act even from underneath the hood So they've got this bag over his head and the president's asking them all these enigmatic questions and by the way apparently he doesn't know what the president's voice sounds like yes yeah exactly I would recognize if I got hooded and put into a room and someone walked in and they sounded like Barack Obama I'd be like wait is that the wrong about me? Be boy that bummy Is that the rock who say no bumma? I'm a big fan man. What are for you twice?

Is that you not a lot of people sound like you and Apparently everybody sounds like Lou Gausage and you're cuz he doesn't clue in at all so he starts asking him a bunch of Jesus-y questions and it curts trying to play along because apparently being Christian is illegal now again they haven't explained that yet it just kind of comes up you're supposed to catch up. I like that they call the Bible hate literature though. Yeah no that was pretty accurate. I remember that's what I might have notes I I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying It's hate letter. So now at first Kirk's trying to bullshit him right in a cell and like, why do you have this by I was just researching it?

Who do you work for? I work for Nikolai Carpathia. Kind of if you'd watch the second movie, you'll understand. And then but but then fucking Luke Austin Jr. gets the better of many says, do you renounce the name of Jesus Christ? And he just can't say yes. Can't do it. Can't deny the Holy Spirit.

No, you'll go to hell. Because he's too brave. Or too cowardly to go to hell. So then they pull the bag off of his head at this point and he's supposed to be looking like a person who thinks he's about to get shot. But instead he looks like a person who's trying to squeeze out one little tiny nugget that's being very, very difficult.

Yeah, exactly. It's just the one very, very difficult. Yeah, exactly. It's just the one last kernel of corn. Yeah, exactly. Oh, another thing he gets accused of while he's still under the bag is that he's been stockpiling vaccine. Oh, yeah. So I assume his plan to fight off the antichrist is to give all the kids autism. Am I right, Donald Trump?

We'll give everyone vaccines and then no one will want hugs. Mwah! I mean, look. We'll give everyone vaccines and then no one will want hugs Okay, you wouldn't stockpile vaccines you would vaccinate people with them Right unless you were trying to keep people from getting like The vaccines there would be no reason to stockpile them vaccines aren't the same thing as like pseudophad and yeah You could stockpile them inside people. Yeah exactly, exactly. Also, if you're wondering, hey, do those vaccines ever come into play?

No, they don't go fuck yourself. We hear a lot about them early in the movie, but no. Also, by the way, he's hoarding medicine during an apocalypse. Is that not frowned upon by God right before a rap? It's not after either. This movie completely transposed good guy and bad guy traits I did not fucking get it so so then

you know like Lou Gossett is Kirk is saying well you know that Nikolai's the Antichrist and he's gonna murder all the Christians and shit and lose going huh that's funny that you say that uh yeah any evidence and he's like I can read you from the Bible Matthew 243 idiot. At which point he reads something so vague that you could not pot. He acts like it's a scene from the Da Vinci code, right? Where Ian McCellan's like, look, you see this picture. It matches up exactly.

I'm like, oh, I get it. But he said he's like, the word pestilences and Lugas is like, my god, why didn't I realize? And he gives us a fucking dictionary, because the writers of this movie knew that just saying pestilences people would be like, well, I don't know, a lot of things can be pestilences. And he was like, Webster defines pestilences

as pretty much anything I want it to be. So maybe everyone gets the cold. Who knows, it fits for me. Kirkaway! Well, and then the president stand up there maybe everyone gets the cold who knows it fits for me! Kirk away! well and then the president's stand up there like reading along with him like he's never heard of the fucking Bible he's going hmm earthquakes and antichrist this is interesting information right there's also a great moment where he goes well there's supposed to be earthquakes doing he goes well you can't stockpiled against earthquake yeah he has a laugh line is well there are no vaccines for earthquakes i get it

uh... it's a joke that's a joke in this movie is that there are no vaccine for i'm sorry that's the joke in this movie there's we never try humor again and it's probably a good thing although there is a great unintentional joke right after that where uh... the president reveals to Kirk that uh... nickel i has been bringing scientists from dozens of different fields

and he goes dozens of different fields biologist chemists and then they run out of scientists wrote this movie so they're like science science miss oh god one of those people who do the weathermen? Weathermen? Cretch chefs? Pilots, pilots dealing silence.

I saw the first movie. Right, they deal in facts. Yeah, no, the amount of times that like this movie tips its hands of knowing absolutely nothing about science are fucking hilarious. That's probably my favorite aspect of this movie. My least favorite might actually be the next scene, which was clearly like contractually obligated to Kirk's wife, because Hattie, the bitchy stewardess turn UN lady from the first couple of movies show us up bad and culture. Yeah, evil evil and Colter shows up and I have to say that like there's nothing in this scene that makes any fucking sense

She appears in this movie like four fucking times nothing like there's never a reason for her to be there Her character never like serves a function like nothing ever comes back that she says it's she was like, Goddamn it Kirk, if you're gonna be in this movie, they better write a part for me in it again. Right, so no one really likes you and your part doesn't make any sense. You said I can be in the movie, alright fine, you can be in the movie. Sorry, sis. What if he gives a revival and then we never fucking see her again? Sounds great. Let's do it. We got 10 minutes to fill. So they have this very weird moment

where two identical gestures, like, oh, so I hear you got married. You know, Rayford and I, well, I hope it works out for you. Like, it's supposed to be bitchy and backhanded, but Christians don't know how meanness works. I mean, they know how evil works, because they'll be like, you can't get married here, but they don't know how bitchynessiness works because that's what normal people do. So they're like so.

I hope you always wear a hat. Well, I don't know. Something mean. What do mean people say? I'm Jewish. Does that mean? That mean? Oh, so now this is also where we learn that the pestilences have begun and apparently the AIDS monkey in question is hanging out at all the churches. Yes, exactly. They're attacking the churches with biological warfare, which makes about as much sense as trying to get the peanut butter out of your fridge by lighting it on fire haha haha like what like bioware warfare is the worst possible way you could target one group of

people amongst people you don't want to target is that well do you think christians will have contact with anybody else in the country yeah probably so you just want to give everyone in America this virus yeah but I wanted to start in the church oh shit like everything else in this movie it makes no fucking sense and then we

go back to the president where he's apparently trying to fuck Miss Miller who is exactly again is one of the three. Is she, she's not unanncolted at all, is she, is she, is she good Gwyneth Paltrow? She's, I think she's good Gwyneth Paltrow, anyway. Good, yeah, she's good Gwyneth Paltrow. So we fucking, so he's cover apparently, so from the fact that she's set a sentence, he knows that she's a good guy and that they need to have a secret meetup. So he's covered for that is to get room service and that they need to have a secret meetup. So his cover for that is to get room service and red wine delivered to the Oval Office and indicate to his guards and the the person bringing

him the food like, don't worry, me and her are gonna be fucking for the next few hours. You guys can go. No, I don't need a condom. I'm gonna ride this raw dog style. So yeah, so I guess now the president and Miss Miller are gonna go like slew thing. The thing yeah, the things that the president does on his own in this movie are fucking crazy. It's like learning that Barack Obama did his own grocery shopping. That's how crazy this movie. Well, we need eggs. White house needs eggs.

Alright, I'll go. can I borrow a car first I don't actually have my own car at this point anyone have a she need to Honda cord gonna go to a K trader K's down the street get some cigarettes cuz I smoke so yes he does they yeah most people don't know that so and then she's I guess spilling the beans on the evil plans and the biological weapons basically to and she says, you know, well, there's the again, scientists are evil. We know that there are top scientists from all over the world here in the U.S. but we don't know where they are. Well, then how do you know they're in the U.S. Shut up?

It doesn't say that in the fucking strip. it just feels sciencey in here. I can tell All of the all of the war machine figurines have been bought recently. I could just tell their scientists Okay, he just tell the D&D meetup group has gotten much larger their I'm just aware No one's fucking anyone. Trust me. It must be a bunch of scientists or a Christian movie. And again, if I have to keep track of three nearly identical middle-aged blonde women in this movie, one of them can't suddenly mid-seen be wearing a ponytail. Yeah, exactly. They just change. They change change absolutely every I wrote in my notes at

this point this movie has introduced two new characters entirely cold switched a black guy and they just expect us to go with it. Yeah exactly they were really hoping we would keep up and again like just because this scene was in danger of getting exciting we then moved back over to Kirk was in danger of getting exciting, we then moved back over to Kirk and his stockpiled vaccines for a minute, just to bring everything, slow everything back down. Right. Again, and he, there's this weird sort of comedy moment where he pulls all these, this big thing of vaccines and he's like, these vaccines weigh a ton, which not true, they're little vials, but never mind.

Well, but he's got him in like a steel reinforced bulletproof briefcase. Maybe that's where the way it is. Right. Exactly. And then it's also, again, I wrote, why do people have the disease? You have vaccines. They should have been vaccinated. That's why you're an accessory now, dumbass.

There's nothing you, you can't give someone a vaccine once they have the disease. I think they thought like vaccines are just like better shots. Well, and not only that, but they don't even know what the disease is. Apparently this is a novel biological weapon that was just created. So there can't be a fucking vaccine for it. Exactly. If an evil demon decides to strike the world with a new pestilence, it doesn't matter how many tetanus shots and rebella vaccines you have, how does that help?

It's okay, I got out of the vaccinate for months. I had chicken pox as a kid, so it's fine, it's got a new crossbreed of cancer and anthrax. It's mine. And is it just me or does Chloe deliver every line in the first act of this movie as though she really has to pee?

She is in such a hurry to get off fucking camera every time she's on it. And get to the craft services table. This is another great moment where he says, we can't die until God says it's time. And I just wrote in my note, except Chris, fuck Chris. God was like, yeah, go ahead, Chris. You're better off that anyway with that ugly as fucking yeah mungullian barbecue So now we go and again no purpose in that scene by the way We just had to establish once again that Kurt Cameron was in this fucking movie

I guess so then we go back to the the president and Miss Miller who are apparently like I said They're out slew thing and I guess they're gonna break into Nikoly's evil Bunker yeah, so they're adventure Press they do incredibly easily by the way the security very lack two barely armed civilians just like There we are good great No fake identities anything made apparently just like pass through the fence like fucking kitty pride It just walked into this military

is the fucking president fairly recognizable dude yeah exact oh hey isn't that the president? nope nevermind at which point we discover Nikolai's evil plan as though bio weapons didn't make little enough sense the bio weapons of being delivered via the fucking Bible that thing made out of paper That's where the viruses are surviving They just don't fucking get it. Yes, they come to an evil underground laboratory where the anti-Christ is poisoning Bibles. He's just pouring this green smoke on the Bibles which is apparently what's keeping the disease who the fuck knows yeah, you know Yeah, but it yeah, Bibles are a a legitimate vector for diseases

No, that actually probably that's why they say you should always fist bump never trade Bibles bump never trade bible What I'd also like to point out that the the precept here is that all the top scientists in the world that we keep talking about are Perfectly willing to murder humanity by poisoning bibles. I mean, they're all here that you can see what's going on quite clearly Through the big glass windows that everyone always puts in their evil bunker in case anyone wants to look in So like this movie is postulating that the top scientists in dozens of field like Weatherman and Pilot are all like yeah no, kill humanity by boys. Okay, sure, yeah, why not? Sure, you're not totally fine. What are we doing with these bottles again? Don't worry about it, okay?

Don't worry about it, Ryan. Right? Today is Taco Tuesday. That's what I know. I know today's Taco Tuesday. and if we finish poisoning these bibles we get to go to talk about the day before nikt does and you know nick is gonna use all the sour cream because they never find a sour cream so can we just poison these bibles with these vape machines get down to the cafeteria fine fine and it's also worth pointing out here by the way that all the bibles have the same cover yeah it's so like they're only poisoning like gittian bibles only poisoning red bibles with gold covers that's gonna come in and become important later because they keep saying the bibles are poister but nobody ever points out

just the red ones with the gold lettering though guys if you have a white bible you're fine yeah well no they probably had another batch of white bibles all right like yeah they were doing that it's white bibles. Oh right like yeah, they were doing that. It's white bibles on Wednesdays Yeah, exactly What bibles are we poisoning today? Oh the Catholic Bible that's the new American Bible. I love this one By the way if anyone wants to get together and poison the new American Bible I'm not like a hundred percent Like I feel like we should probably do something better than that But if someone was like oh he poisoned the new American Bible

I'd be like yeah, he should probably go to jail for like a year Or two I can poisoning bad new American Bible Also bad and also again, I don't think we can possibly overstate how ridiculous the green Gas that they're using to do this is it's like bright It's like the gaseous form of the I don't know slime from you can't do that on television. Yeah, exactly Fucking green. I'm sorry, mr. Bible. That's not the answer. It's time to get gacked It looks like a it looks like a cartoon fart. Yeah It looks like a cartoon fart is being used to point in the bible like the bible should anthropomorphically come to life

and go who's been eating bees it would make more sense than the rest of this movie by the way the bible came to life and sent that sure why not and of course somehow or another the president and miss Miller trip the alarm now and the bad guys are on to them so they have to run away it's the plot moving forward alone and that believing doesn't make sense that so they run away by the way to none of these guards are like

that the president now i feel like that's the president now i want to point this out to and this is not obviously just this movie this is all action movies so at one point the President is wrestling with a bad guy and him and the bad guy fall down the stairs and they follow the falling down stairs rules for an action movie which go like this A you roll you don't like slide at any point B you go all the way to the next landing you never stop midway down the stairs

C if you're a bad guy you break your fucking neck and die and D, if you're a good guy, you get a scratch and a very temporary limp out of it. And that's it. Yeah, if you're a good guy, it doesn't matter the fuck it all. He's just like, oh, good. I was on also usually the good guy in action movie tropes is on top. And that's why we're like, oh, the bad guy broke his neck because he was on the bottom. That's how breaking your neck works, but in this case he was on the bottom and he still was fine Yeah, right right he hit all of the stairs in the ground on the way down So the question is what broke that guy's neck right? We're supposed to assume that he just traveled through space and his neck snapped like fucking scorpion from Mortal Kombat

Annihilation. He was like, which by the way, we know that he broke his neck because his nose is bleeding. Yes, exactly. As it so often does. He's got the good old dead guy in nose bleed. So they escape because apparently none of the guards thinks, oh, the alarm's been tripped. Let's have somebody stand by the door. In case so many goes out it. No, they just leave yeah so they just run out you the president no but fine and now we learn we cut over back to the church and we learn that the second string Theo has uh he's got the mystery pestilence to yes and this is the first

example of this disease now this disease appears to be Can't breathe shiny faceitis The disease that everyone gets in this movie. There's no other symptoms They just cough and get shinier and shinier and then they die Well, and they and they and they're they talk lower and lower the more of the Disguise Yes, they whisper like nobody's fucking business Forget the hell they describe in this movie the Christian hell was sound editing this fucking How many goddamn editors did they go through before someone was like you have to talk into the mic

You have to you have to did you use no microphones? Okay, Dave just sit down. We'll talk it through you talk it through you talk it through I've had to get Lou Gosset Jr. back into audibility and he's speaking it normally what go up and go up go up go up go up no no that that's what the original tax sounds like I've been doing all the ADR myself. I got Bill Cosby in the other room doing four hours of ADR. Well think about it dream is you look like you could use a drink no bail for the third time. And we also the anti-crash pops in here for a second because this is a stupid

fucking dream sequence to treat Theo for his disease and I just wrote down like Man the antichrist has excellent bedside manner. He's yeah exact very poor the antichrist is by far the most Doctor like of any of the medical care specialists we see in this entire three movie. Oh, yes He's the only one wearing a mask. He's the only one who's like how are are you feeling? Have some water. Everyone else is like, you should pray to Jesus because you're super thick. There's the only person in the whole place the entire time, the tuberculosis ward that wears a mask. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Also, three movies, three fucking go fuck yourself dream sequence. Three moments where we're like, oh, okay, this is an interesting turn in the plot. No, it's not. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, just in case this movie was in danger of making sense. And again, not just this movie, but another one of the movie tropes that drives me up a fucking wall. This is a nightmare when he realizes that the anti-crest is there. So it cuts to him waking up and he does the whole like sitting straight up, you know,

screaming thing when he wakes up. Okay. That is physically fucking impossible. You cannot wake up sitting up that the human butt, that would be like floating yourself away. Okay. That's how to be fair. That's exactly how I wake up every morning. I was just straight at 90 degree angle with my morning bone or keeping me afloat. It's a leverage thing. You got to hoist yourself forward. If you look at the show notes for the episode, there's a diagram I've drawn. It's very clearly. How to hoist your morning wood. That's what it's for. It's for leverage. You use it as sort of like a pole vault trying to an upright position in case you had a nightmare. Oh God, drives me though. Fuck nuts. And then we go to the, in case

you were wondering if this militia lady had a secret underground hideout, she does and we now go to that. At which point we find out that Nikolai is planning to nuke America. Right. Okay. So this, I loved that fucking scene because he's talking to like, okay, there's a bunch of like people with British accents on cameras, which means global conferencing in movies And the guy says take a look we you know, we got this off of a satellite or whatever and It's it's missile command Transposed on a fucking map of the US and it's like because apparently the people in this fucking universe don't believe that you would get the idea of You know America's gonna get nuked unless you see lines being drawn on a piece of paper towards cities

I guess yeah, they go we intercepted their communication. It's this screenshot from spy hunter And we're gonna be attacked by this remember the movie war games. We popped in a DVD is that will be not be okay by this uh... remember the movie war games we popped in a dvd is that will be not be okay and then we cut back over to uh... Kurt Cameron again because we just can't get away from him and uh... apparently the fucking rabies iron sack is cop knocking at at at his uh... apartment door again i should probably mention this is a completely different place than where he lived the last time in the last movie

But he has three movies three different apartments. Yeah, uh-huh in different cities in three different cities And I love he walks in and goes want to know where your wife is and I was like yeah, Ray I do want to know where his wife is He's mad that she's doing the thing that they all knew they were gonna do Mm-hmm. Yeah, which was go to the church to take care of sick people. At which point, Kirk tries to get out of the house and steal hands. G.I. Joe has to hold his forehead and arm's length. Like a kid getting his lunch money, taking these like, you gotta get it.

You let go of me. You big captain bully. So then he calls Chloe to find out if she's okay. And he's like, oh, I'm coming right away And she's like no stay there. Maybe you can find a cure or a vaccine Okay, that's all right slow down guys first of all why the fuck would a reporter be able to find a cure for a goddamn disease And secondly again Vaccine is not a synonym for antidote Vaccine is not a synonym for antidote. Yes, thank you.

It's not good. Everybody's sick already. Finding a vaccine is too late. You don't make a parachute on your way down. The fuck are you talking about? That's the word we were looking for. Antidia. I knew it was something with a van, like an an.

It was an eye in there and an an. Yeah. To to be fair though I don't have either of those things they I'm totally unvaccinated milk leg what rough so came my parents prayed me better yeah I walked with a terrible twisted claw of a leg yeah but you know yeah this is better um and then least I like hugs eventually at this point like the claw of a leg. Yeah, but you know, yeah, this is better. Um, and then least I like hugs. Eventually, at this point, like the Kirk's trying to decide sure to go to the church, but if he goes to the church, he's going to get Bible

AIDS too or whatever. And then the president of the United States calls buck to warn him that the poison is in the Bible. Why does he do that? No fucking reason. Oh, because they met before before and as the president says i don't want to lose another good friend another good friend who he met 24 hours and a half like an eight-minute interrogation conversation with and that's it the president bonds like a baby duck oh i see you now. You're my mama. Quick. I'm the president. And by the way, didn't he take that phone call while they're talking to God like in the middle of a brand?

Oh, that's right. Yeah, because usually they had to stop and pray. Takes a phone call. Yeah, God just hold on a second i think that's uh... to customer satisfaction sorry i got to take that that's a that's a that's a good that's because carcass character never saw grit no greater love which tells you that you're a bad husband if you take that obviously and then we go to a clowy doing what she does best in these movies which is

hanging around the terminally ill. Right exactly which I love has a great moment with Bruce's character where Bruce is like oh no it's my fault I brought people to the bibles and she's like no it's not your fault and I'm like yeah man it's your fault. Absolutely. That is very much your fault. If I was like everyone try this cheese dip and then everyone got food poisoning They'd be like oh, yeah, that's my fault. I Recommended the cheese dip that's on me But that's okay because they have a little dying whisper sing off. Oh my god. This was rough. It's quarantine the musical Ever recorded there's there so you think you can gasp So you think you can gasp and they're whispers singing the dying song together And I gonna die

I wish that this disease if I can if I ever make crazy billionaire money I'm gonna remake this movie shot for shot but instead of whisper tuberculosis Everyone's gonna have the whatever disease just gives you the shits until you die that thing that killed everyone during World War One so that he's like I would believe oh god it's coming out of me like lava CGI and some of that green smoke that would be awesome I just come some out of the cover don't lift my blankets. I don't want to have to see it. I look like I had chocolate covered coming back. They say that Eminem's melding your hand, not in your mouth, but they also melding your dung just for crack. So then we go back to Kirk who's

still I guess trying to decide whether to go rescue Chloe from Bible aids And then I guess he accidentally wanders into the tree cave on Dagobah The fuck was going on with this scene. Yeah, he has an unbreakable moment with the Bible like Bruce Well, it's just touches like oh, I know this Bible rapes somebody Which by the way results in him having a vision where Black guy Bruce is just saying the word Abraham over and over again. Like because of Kirk's vision, we're supposed to get that it's about sacrifice and all great religious leaders of sacrifice, which by the way, nobody fucking does in this movie,

but never mind. Um, he's just him going Abraham, Abraham. There's some weird bullshit cuz I cuz they kept cutting back and forth between Kirk and Bruce and I'm like are they Shining now between the two but also he says at one point like what do all servants of God have in common and and I'm thinking Delusion right right and I figured it was gonna be a clinical diagnosis, but it turned out to be oh great Skis a friend according to him in Fatigability and wings What they all share had injury yeah had injury

Two points. Oh being a witness to things during a period of time when people can't check them against reality Dean no video cameras So then we cut over to Rayford Fightinar, HP Love Cram, where he is having a fight with Hattie because you can't leave the hanger because it's your job. It's like he's trying to get a sick day off, but he can't. Not just a sick day off, he also wants to steal the airplane you know because he's just take the airplane he wants to take the any crisis plan yeah exactly race car sword biteer is like just like well but my my my daughter sick so I was going to take this plane to Chicago which is where we were in the movie last time you saw us, but now we're somewhere else apparently so

Can I have his plane and she says no, I guess no? But then we realized that she only said no because she's pregnant with the Antichrist baby and this brought a question to mind What is the Antichrist baby? Oh good call. It's not the Antichrist Antichrist is the Antichrist It's not the devil the devil is the father of the antichrist. The antichrist is the antichrist. It's not the devil. The devil is the father of the antichrist. So is the antichrist baby just a guy? That's me.

Because that's rough on that baby. That baby is just like growing up. So your dad's the antichrist and your grandpa's Satan. What do you do? I don't know. I like connect four. It's really good to connect. For me, it's a solved game.

So like, whoo! I was thinking of getting into human resources. Oh, that's pretty evil. Yeah, you know, a lot of pressure from the family and third generation evil. Trying to go my own way about it. He's super hipster evil. And he's like, I'm going to gentrify all of Brooklyn.

I invented the hashtag all lives matter. I also love that we learn that had he as pregnant when Mandy uses her magic uterus powers. You know, just looks her in the eye and goes, you're pregnant, aren't you? I can tell you pregnant. I can smell the cum still in sight. It's my little gift. What can I say at which point he gives her his Bible? Yeah, and I wrote in my notes here have my Bible. I'm 80% sure it's not point Right and even if it isn't you get murdered for owning these by the way, so have fun

You're a murder book literature and then we get this just completely meaningless scene You're have a murder book. A literature. And then we get this just completely meaningless scene between the president and the anti-Christ in the Oval Office. Because apparently they literally were going like back and forth as they wrote the script. You know, Kirk Seen Loo, scene. Kirk Seen Loo, scene.

Yeah, was the anti-Christ waiting for the president in the Oval Office just like looking at a shit Mess around with this stuff on his desk. Oh, where'd you go? You pens safety IV whatever I I noticed that you have a one of these little Newton Craterless things You know if you pull out all three marbles and then not get it They still three on the other side I don't know how those things were You know, it's right it's crazy It's cool. You've got to stop them with your hands though. I don't know if it's irritating after a second And that's basically everything that happens in that scene. Yeah, yeah

They have this thing. I just wrote in my notes. Nothing happened in this Well, he does he does turn to a one point uh... the antichrist turns to the uh... presidents is you look at different you know because the president murdered somebody and and i think that you can smell that like mandy can smell pregnancy come all the antichrist can smell murder and ray bans knife arc and smell of someone's uh... flown on a plane curtain smell of someone's been praying it's great everyone's got a mutant power

it's the world's worst all right so now i guess something about this particular meeting with the anti-christ made lukego al-hamma side also goes back to the secret underground resistance fighters to tell him that now he's gonna kill the anti-christ right and his plans seems to be we're going to kill him by killing it but all the other guys that guys on the tv's the british guys and stuff seem to be anti contingency plan because they don't like that at all no their plans seems to be like developing

a military in a defense and he's like no no no trust me i'm gonna shoot this one guy with a ceramic gun it's gonna be great again not just this movie a lot of fucking action movies but ceramic gun is not a fucking thing. That would be like saying I have a liquid sword. The heat of a fucking bullet would blow a goddamn ceramic gun into a gazillion pieces that does not exist and it will never exist. Sorry Noah I hate to disagree with you but I actually made a ceramic gun which I have right here and I'm going to fire it on the... oh no it doesn't fire because that requires metal parts.

Because it's goddamn basematerial, yes, yes. Yeah it turns out fires were related to the gun thing. I have a big, I have a ceramic thing shaped like a gun that I could point at him. Yeah exactly exactly. Apparently they did their fact-checking in die hard too. Right, exactly. ...to a chocolate revolver. They did it. They did their fact-checking in my grandma's mass chain emails.

The terrorists can now 3D print a gun, which they made that doesn't show up on a... ...leggo gun. That would have made exactly as much sense if you pulled out of the obama connects anyway and then also but from a came also the president apparently has a

secret stash of buttons that you pressed that make nuclear missiles come in blow you up go to that button yet apparently the president occasionally has to need for that so he has one but they know where the anti-Christ they know where he works you don't have to be in that you could just have it go there right right have it go to that building when you're not in it that's what I'm confused you understand what who who is holding the the heat seeking button in that

situation where does the missile where do they sneak, they mail him the button, I get you saying he'd, they mail him the button, they eat. And then you put a, yeah, press and then he gets, I get it, smart, smarter than this movie. That's right, that would be a better idea. So, and then also again, all action movies, but while the president is in the elevator, he pulls out his ceramic gun and chambers around, like why wouldn't you have done that when you loaded the fucking gun? Would you like now that I'm in the elevator he pulls out his ceramic gun and chambers around like why wouldn't you have done that when you loaded the fucking gun

Would you like now that I'm in the elevator? I guess I can chamber that what the fuck was the point of that now's the time to make sure that this gun has Bullets right exactly exactly at which point we get the antichrist magic special Where he does some paint. He's like, oh, was this your special bomb? He's taking button. I wanted so badly for it to just be like, mind free. Antichrist. You'll wall it. But then he, so he takes the little button that was supposed to make the nuclear bomb there and he crushes it in a dust and I'm like, how do you do that without pushing the button? It's a ceramic the button it's a ceramic but he is the ceramic but that's why christian speaking of ceramic

uh... so the president pulls out a ceramic gun and he's eight and he's using the hold it on the guy i'm about to shoot for a really long time strategy that's very popular in the second act of movies and and the anti christy says are yet just up before you shoot me, though, check this out. And he turns on like 12 TV screens and World War Three is starting now.

Yeah. Like, like, it was like his first pitch at 735. And World War Three. Go. Well, I'm thinking of myself, like, what have it had been a commercial? What do you have just said? Okay. Oh, no, sorry.

Okay, hold on. Hold on a second. It's discount double check. Yeah get it we get it we get it hold on hold on no they have to tell you like all the other stuff that's the medicine can give you all the side effects but as soon as this is done you'll see what i was going to at the point of this i wanted one new station not to be covering it this summer a fun new way to stay cool a fun new way to stay cool is with water willies back to joe hansken also i want to point out that lu gausset in this scene looks surprised that

tv's exist he doesn't look surprised at what's on them but when he's like look at this lu gausset's already like oh why are those those tiny people get them out of those fish tanks so, like this bizarre military campaign includes bombing the city, the anti-Christ is in because out the windows, you're seeing explosions like at the end of fight club, every few seconds, except really poorly CGI, every few seconds. So like all of Earth is being bombed. I mean, we go to China in this scene, we go to England, we go to Chicago, we're in DC, we're in New York, we're in LA, and everybody is being bombed. I mean we go we go to China in this scene. We go to England We go to Chicago where in DC. We're in New York where in LA and everybody is being bombed What the fuck kind of war is this?

He doesn't even set up like why don't you guys you bomb everything but like right around my building Because I work there at the top floor. I have a whole top floor to myself. It's a big deal Just don't like you know 10 block radius. Yeah, exactly just like even if it's five even it's five Oh, you know what though. There's this really great chillings that I like It's fucking great also who are these soldiers soldiers from where from Nickalai right? Where do those people live that they're fighting them? Self exactly against who from which milit the NATO Military is made out of like our country right

Yeah, they don't have a separate Where do they get their millegeau with these guys are from Sweden? They're just they're just really cooperative So now Lou gossip shoots the the Angie Christ, but apparently bullets pass through him and also his suit It's got a magic suit that he's wearing and then we have this Phenomenal awesome combination of the dirty Harry you feel lucky punk with the Jim Carey the pen is blue scene Yeah, exactly. It's an amazing moment because is it empty and I just wrote my notes. No, it's an automatic weapon The bullets go up into the chamber no matter what is the spring at the bottom.

You're thinking about a revolver in which how many, but there's just the chamber, that's how those guns work. You can tell very clearly they look empty. That's why we invented them that way. Right. So apparently the antichrist, by the way, is using just a be clear here, like telekinetic mind control powers to force the president to put the gun to his own head which apparently he could do to anyone at any time

and it's just chosen not to she's just chosen to shoot those guys for more exactly exactly because listen everyone in this movie from the president to the antichrist there are hands-on guy they do stuff why can't we just send a nuke to his house because he's a hands-on guy he's hands on guy they do stuff to myself Why can't we just send a nuke to his house because he's a hands-on guy. He's got to do it themselves I got to be there and this is when we get like it so it I guess the antichrist changes his mind about making the president Shoot himself in the head and instead he goes for the mother fucking force choke Force choke slash throw throw window

fucking force choke force choke slash throw throw a window yeah exactly exactly at which point I wrote in my note I can't emphasize enough how much I like and I'm rooting for the anti-crisis he was awesome so he throws the president out of his 900th floor window which is about 15 feet off the ground apparently because the fucking president falls onto a car and he's just fine he has this is this weird moment with God where he looks up And he's like that's not physically possible and then he looks up at heaven like you rap Scalient It's like no go down there and finish murdering right right why would you not no no if God's going to cheat then

I guess that's how we're going to play the game You know like like I just want to point out that well lukegoz at jr. is sitting on the fucking car he could have had him put his ceramic gun back to his head you know and shoot him like oh well you know what the first truck thing didn't work but i bet that one that i also did i i said i was going to do first truck a force truck doesn't work the night quid yeah so apparently god it that's how we're supposed to where we're supposed to go with this that god saved the president now keep in okay force took doesn't work the night quit ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Luke's father find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the exciting conclusion to the exciting conclusion of the left behind trilogy So I've gathered you all of the scientists from all of the world today with one mission and one mission alone

To take out Christianity my plan is simple We place a biological weapon in the Bibles and then we allow Christians all over the United States to steal them They will see themselves into their own graves. Oh Quick, sorry question. Yeah, I'm a geologist. I'm not sure why I was brought in. Can I leave? Oh? Yes, sorry. Sorry. I guess I was a little hasty in gathering all of the world scientists, everyone who is not a biochemist or something to do with biological weapons is allowed to leave now. Oh, okay.

Should all of you, doesn't make any sense first to be here? Sorry, another question. Go ahead. Hi, sorry. Yeah. you said you wanted to poison the Bibles with a biological weapon, but that's not how biological weapons work. Viruses won't just live for weeks in a Bible. They're viruses. You can't just put. Okay. But what if you like sprayed them with green mist? Yeah, that's That's not a thing viruses are invisible Also if we do a bio attack with a contagious disease

That's gonna kill everybody not just the people that touch the bibles like like why don't you use your own soldiers and just you know Follow the bibles and then shoot the people with bullets bullets That don't need to be kept alive in a peachy dish just regular shoot him Okay, okay, I'm actually not really looking for feedback right now. I'm looking for bibles poison bibles We leave the interacts or something can we do it or not? Do it all right great and also one more thing. I want the cure to be red wine. Can the cure be red wine? Oh, come on! Get in me!

You're talking about... And we're back for more cruel and unusual cinema. When we last left our hero, he was limping away from a fatal fall as though he'd just stepped barefoot on a Lego. And he must be limping pretty quick because minutes later, with bombs falling he's back in the militia bunker. Right, exactly. We're where we learn that everything everywhere is being bombed and noot and the British people slash muslim jay jibshin people on the other TV are also being noot because we can see on the other end of their camera their worlds are shaking their paintings are falling off the wall All that stereotypical shit because everywhere in the world is getting bombed together and they say like oh it's over

We have to surrender and I'm like surrender to who to who who are these soldiers? Where is everyone from go fuck yourself? At which point the president announces that they've been played like a puppet which is not a phrase not a question played like a puppet at which point I love that this movie has this weird metamorphosis it never comes back but this movie has this weird metamorphosis where he's like I went there and he had magic powers and knew about the transponder and he was bulletproof and everyone goes that's not fucking possible your a trainer which is the logical way to behave if someone walks in and they go yeah the reason why the bad guy

let me live is because he's got magic powers and I survived a fall from an 85 story building you could just say I betrayed you guys you can just tell us it's fine. It's not embarrassed ourselves. And meanwhile of course Kirk Cameron's character continues to do nothing and serve no purpose in this movie. But we go back to him anyway for phone call purposes. Exactly. Where we learn that Chloe... Well, first of all he says, House Bruce, and she says he's going home.

Which is very weird and infantile. Just one of those moments in this movie where I'm like it's a Say dying Gross Oh, he's going to night nightland It's going to a farm upstate right yeah exactly where he can run and play with Morgan freedman and simul Jackson Claire and skill your future doze and simul Jackson clearance kill your Dozo

And of course, so we also learn here that Chloe now has Bible aides to she has whisper shiny She either got it from the subway handrail or maybe she just spent days and days inside the quarantine building with her right no mask on What the fuck you think and she gets it in the course of that phone call yeah well she gets goes from like just perfectly normal to completely shiny face yeah yeah in the course that she's like yeah some bruises and pink bruise bed you're just like whoa that is fast acting she must extra read the Bible exactly exactly and then Kirk says

This isn't the God I know and I'm thinking then you haven't read the Bible motherfucker because that's the God that's in there Right, all about some pestilence and murder and fucking flooding the universe and shit right and letting people suffer in silence while waiting for him to do something Yeah exactly exactly and then we get back to the president who still trying to convince everybody that no no the the the the guy he really was uh... bulletproof which i also love how he doesn't lead with that like like with her asking the president like what happened and he's like oh he knew about the transponder and uh... and i barely escaped with my own and also he's magical and and bulletproof and he had magic

and i've got to mention that to mention that said that right up front ooo lary already left up to the the next time antichrist has magic powers cannot be killed and notice self killed looks weird is that an ed looks like it should just be a d uh... english is funny so miss miller like to say has like the only reasonable reaction to anything in this entire trilogy, which is to not believe the president.

But when she's explaining why she doesn't believe him, she says, among the things that are unbelievable, she says, you fell out of window and walked away. Now this leaves out a key piece of information because I've fallen out of a window and walked away before. You left out the 90 stories, lady. That's an important piece of your increduling. Windows kill everyone who passes through them and think when serious fell through the

curtains, you just die. Anytime you pass through a window, you die. That's ridiculous. Oh, so you just walked out of a door and you're not on fire. That's crazy. I don't get it. Yeah, so even the one reasonable reaction has to be tinted with stupidity, and then we get back to Kirk who is yelling at God, because it's just not a Christian movie until somebody is yelling at God. Exactly, and he has this moment where he goes, I could go to Chicago right now, because he's having a yelling break up with God.

And I'm like, yeah, except the whole world is being nuked. I don't think that you're gonna catch a fucking bust. You think the fun was still right? This sitting next to some guy who's got a chicken in a cage. So, whole world being nuked, not really looking to talk to anyone. Thanks, though. Everyone's so unflending. And I also love that during his like breakup with God, he says, he says to God, why did you do this to me to Chloe?

And I'm thinking other people are getting their arms blown off by nuclear fucking bombs And you're bitching about a dropped phone call you narcissistic ass monkey Chloe's wispery and shiny also all of Brandon's dad right every place on earth is getting bomb nine times a minute and your whole family's getting vaporized into light But my girlfriend's a little has the sniffles Also, by the way Kirk throws his phone like such a pussy in this scene. Oh, yeah He throws he does the like limp wrist that is throw and so his throw is so bad that they had to cut the scene and drop a phone On to a car, but it's very clearly because they i guarantee you there were twenty five

takes of him going and and just miss the entire time i also want to point out um... because we're about to cut back uh... we cut back momentarily to luke uh... junior in the scene and he's

it didn't occur to me to later in this film that he is sweaty every fucking time we see him. This is the sweatiest fucking movie since a time to kill. Yeah, this is a very very sweaty movie where there's no penetration. Exactly. Never a good reason for the sweaty. And then the screenwriters remember that Mandy and Railroad Crowbar were in the movie so we check back in with them and they've just dropped in on quarantine for a quick visit maskless visit. If you're wondering if they're gonna have anything to say or do in the quarantine area that's gonna relate to this movie, no they're not go fuck yourself.

Steelfight Heineken just goes to see her and that's it. She's sick and she's sick. Exactly. And he's very proud of her for having a fatal disease, apparently. Right. Which is when we now move forward to in time to the beginning of the movie where Lou Gossett Jr. is said he hopes he's not in hell. Right.

We're back to the bombed out White House where it all began. And then Kirk Cameron walks into the White House.'s it's again it's on fire every single room is on fire large flames so he walks into the old office and they just have a a nice long conversation in a casual chat in a burning building yes yes because Kirk went to DC to save the president's soul. Nope, last minute salvation. Exactly. That's what happened in the movie. Kirk Cameron decided he couldn't still any longer

because the president was gonna go to hell when he died. And then he goes to the fucking oval office. The bomb doubt oval office and Kirk, of course, walks up to the White House and it's been exploded and shit, and he says, you know what, he's probably sitting the Oval Office all by himself. I'm just gonna walk you know People praying and everyone can smell in this movie they can smell who's been doing their thing And this is where Kirk gets to deliver his Jesus died on the cross for us But not just died on the cross he literally died right

at one point he writes he literally died uh... and i wrote oh am i talking to a teenage daughter yeah well and it because he didn't literally died i mean are you quote the bible or thus spoke zero-thusher here man he's like he came back three fucking days later and now gets to be the king of the universe if you told me that you could put me up on a fucking cross and I would die painfully But three days later I get to come back and then get to be the fucking leader of the universe And oh by the way nobody ever has to go to hell again like who wouldn't take that fucking deal I wouldn't I'm not great with pain. I just

Oh, you know what? Let's let everyone work out their own thing Very libertarian savior. I'd be like, listen, if people are going to get damned, they're going to get damned, you know, sort of bootstrap themselves into salvation. How about that? I've actually been studies that find when you don't help people save themselves, they save themselves. Yeah. Yeah. This is what I just, I would let the poor starve. Sorry.

Yes, what I've just I would let the poor starve Sorry And then he gets the president to confess he actually confesses dear dear god Yeah, you probably shouldn't let me become president. I let the Antichrist take over the world Sorry, but maybe you want to fix this no I was just a super question. Sorry. So slow and so boring. He's like conversion scene. It's like watching a retarded kid dictate a letter to Santa out loud It's just like Deo Santa My and you're like your name is Jimmy. Your name is Jimmy. You want a fire truck Jesus

Jimmy you want a fire truck Jesus I also love that you know because people always in this in this movie and in Christian movies in general have this really bad habit of saying things that sound good until they explain what they mean because like Kirk says to the president God can save you and the president looks up and goes good because I'm sitting in a burned out blown up You know, he's like no, no not from bombs and and Bible aides and shetty way he's not gonna save you from that It's just gonna save you from all the horrible stuff he plans on doing to you for beating all he can save you from him exactly exactly God will help you from himself also so that so the presidents in the middle of his retarded Santa prayer and Kirk interrupts him because I guess it's like well well lose got

God on the line he wants to jump in and apologize for the phone thing Oh, wait, sorry, sorry mr. Muffins was like when your grandma puts her dog on the phone. She's like mr. Muffins want to say hi You're just like oh, okay I'm mr. Muffins Then we check back in with neo Theo who takes longer to die than Fidel Castro apparently He's been dying for the last like 45 minutes of this movie. He's not there yet. At which point he asks for communion Which I think is to do Do I thought that was a Catholic thing. I don't know a lot about Christians. That's a Catholic thing, isn't it?

Yeah, apparently everybody became Catholic at the end of this movie. I also love that he like he turns up to fucking Ray Blimp shark wrestler and he says, my time is near. Like God just sent him a text like C and 5 or something like that. Everybody knows when they're about. He got an Uber alert. One of those things you can send someone. Yeah. Exactly. You will reach your destination. So please put a cracker in my dying mouth. Yes, exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. I want to die choking on crumbs. I was like, no, what I said cracker in my mouth, I meant your dick, Ray. That was my euphemism. I wanted to suck up cracker. You didn't say Captain Ray ray no cracker love you like the siaman says of talking to raford steel you didn't call me captain so i can hear that moving

the siaman says of talking to raford steel that's my self-help here you go so now the the president and kirk are of course discussing his inability to destroy the anti-cryst and the president says they walk through are of course discussing his inability to destroy the anti christ and the president says they walk through his fire hallway and i just wrote in my note is this your fire hallway it's nice and i can't like it fire thank you it's like new dutch got a new

thing going and so i like a lot more like old that's but you know shit uh... so he also says like i can't kill the anti christ ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha nothing except watch tv and have conversations yeah right so we have had no indication that that command center is necessary now it's just like a lot no yeah he just stares away from the door to his office and so some he's also seem to me like they like they had to break it to Kirk that he wasn't going to be involved in the final battle here on screen yeah because Kirk is like all all right, Mr. President, what can I do?

And the President is like, oh, just annoy more people about Jesus or something. And Kirk Cameron is visibly upset. And he's just like, no, I'm supposed to, I don't know if I remember I go in the end. I push the button and then it's his skills. And that's what they showed me. And I get, why did I take all those stage combat classes?

I'm too much. I guarantee you they tried filming it with Kirk first, what they showed me and I get why did I take all those stage combat classes I guarantee you they tried filming it with Kirk first but his girlish screams were too much they were like sorry you got to do this one what yeah just like look here watch the daily get off me and that's not even makeup lady that's him talking to craft service he got a shoot away demo so god leaves a uh... curk all by i'm sorry

louise curk all by himself and then he goes back for the third time we get to watch and walk up to the uh... to the anti-Christ uh... office but this time God makes him invisible. Yeah, he walks by that just repented now. He's invisible Oh right, right. Okay, but wouldn't the guys notice that the elevator opened and start moving start moving up to the top floor Even if he wasn't They did and they notice they just don't care. Yeah Yes, well, he does like fucking with elevators that anti-gray sweat dripping into the elevator

Whatever the sweat moving across the floor not my job man not my fucking job When you work for the any grace though, I guess occasionally just expect like I don't know succenti and puddle of water Who knows probably a sister-in-law don't say mean shit good afternoon sir and one madam and then so the president wanders in it is got his he he has his replacement come nuke me button uh... which he presses

and then we see this horrible satellite cg i that makes you think this movie was made in nineteen ninety four and was a video game cutscene where apparently the nuclear missiles that we have just floating around above the earth at all times starts to orient itself to fire at the antifrige. Right, exactly. It looked like a cutscene from Command and Conquer 2. Yes. This is the Sky Lab just drops right into building.

Right, exactly. And then of course we get back to sweaty quarantine, tuberculosis place where everyone is taking communion together and I'm thinking, that's a good idea. You should have all the sick people share a cup with all the well people. They should all just drink out of the same fucking cup. I wrote in my notes, hey, more communion.

I was getting bored of all that nuclear war shit. Right. Right. So then Chloe all of a sudden starts to recover. Communion I was getting bored of all that nuclear war shit So then Chloe all of a sudden starts to recover and when she does she says I can breathe and everybody else goes yes Of course you can that could you not breathe before that's an I'm just impressed. I'm not even mad Yeah, I've been breathing this entire time Chloe you've been breathing. No, I haven't been breathing I just now started really when you were a kid and you just have breath holding contest And that one kid used to cheat and you'd be like you've held your breath for 85 minutes. What are you fucking? Got Michael Phelps over here nine-year-old Michael Phelps. Let me plug your nose. No, I have a cold you fucking shit

You know what you did But yeah, I had a sand thought during this scene when they were all taken communion, because here's the thing, this movie mostly I'm just looking for funny shit to say, but occasionally just sad thoughts pop in, and my sad thought for this scene was, I wonder how many people have died drinking wine and playing pretend instead of talking to their families? No kidding. Near-wait, let me get a little snack. I'll talk to my family in a second. But not in this fucking movie because if this stupid fucking movie, the communion wine

cures the Bible AIDS. The wine is the cure for whisper disease. And of course, on my notes, I have written, fuck this movie. A, also, we should point out Bruce Dice. Oh yeah. Seconds before they discover a total cure for this. Which was antioxidants apparently. Yeah exactly. So all the book clubs on Long Island they were fine and also the people taking the community. And then we go back to the to the swan song also the people taking the community. And then we go back to the Swan Song of the President and the Antichrist where he has

the most spectacularly insanely stupid line that probably Lou just like, you know, they had to get it, you know, in the 18 where they would always have to like drug Mr. T to get him to go on an airplane. I think they had to do something like that with Lou Gossett Jr. and just have somebody stand behind him holding his jaw and try to make him say this fucking line. Right, yeah. He says to the antichrist, the only way to beat you is with Jesus.

Yeah. Lou, we just need one take of it. Just get it out. Okay. I'm only doing the one. Just go. It's ready. Yeah, we're ready. Go. Just one. Follow the way to beat you with Jesus. Oh god last shot last shot close it down That's speed. We got a little room noise there. It's fine. There's a dog in the apocalypse Now that I'm not letting those words come out of my mouth again Shit and then of course like this he has I don't remember what the clever ally

And he has this right before the nuclear missile comes to explode in a them Yeah, but I love that that he's oriented the missile so that it comes in through the window They can see out of yeah exactly what a completely fucked his whole thing up if it had come from the other side He was a oh I got you now look at your oh shit is are we face in east fuck? Oh, he's not gonna see it now he's gonna fuck the whole thing up he's gonna blow up which by the way the antichrist looks at the muscle muscle like he's alarmed but we are about to find out he's totally fine he's still even wearing his suit yes yes his bullet

proof suit is also nuclear missile proof yeah when you come into men's warehouse if you buy one of our suits and someone shoots an eye-guarring tape, it's like the way you look after the apocalypse. Ha ha. Shit. And then of course we get Kirk and he's calling Chloe and you know Chloe's all happy because she's okay and she's like, well what about Bruce and she says well you know he's he's black and the movie's over so no of course he's like, well, what about Bruce? And she says, well, you know, he's, he's black and the movie's over.

So, no, of course, he's dead. Simply the burst. Chris. Chris. Right, but of course the only two, or I'm sorry, well, I guess Chris died. I was about to say the only two people in the movie that die are the two black characters, but Chris dies too.

Well, you said people, so that covers the scene. Right, right, yeah. Pretty sure that Chris is half art, Vark. Yes, exactly. And then we see the antichrist wandering out people so that covers right yeah pretty sure that Chris is half art varks yes exactly and then we see the antichrist wandering out of the nuclear fire because that's why we're in 80s music video I gotta say the thing absolutely nailed the CGI on that one though I could have sworn that I was really walking through fire at that moment it looks so Realist like my daughter's just learning after effects guys can she do the last scene of the movie?

Okay, why not star-waped Jennifer you did so good So here we are at the end of three movies the antichrist is just fine still controls the world the raptured people are still dead The good guys have accomplished nothing the world is still bombing It's self for the fuck of it and there were never any boobs So what the fuck was the point of this at these movies? Isn't a movie supposed to like present something and then resolve it at some point or something? No? It's overrated. Is that just me? Yeah, it's boy I think it's sort of like a new cinema thing sort of like I just like the boyhood. Oh

like a new cinema thing or like a boyhood. Oh, god. It's an art film. Yeah, it's an art film. It's like, you see Lost in Translation? There's a lot of that. Pull the lost in there. Yeah, I got you. It's like, oh, what a real Murray Whisper.

What's the point of this movie? Who knows about your experience? Oh, you know what I got to say, dude, bringing that movie up just really made it hit home how horrible. Because I fucking love Lost in Translation. And now my mind can't help but compare this movie to that one it just moves way down the so if you were to compare this film in like seven seal what would you say the two having common they're both moving pictures yeah and different everything else

so Lewis guys that you did you want me to close my face? What do you? I don't understand what's happening. So, now, it occurs to me, though, as this movie ends, and we realize that nothing is resolved, then if you just assume, as we, I think, have been doing, that the anti-Christ is the good guy, the entire trilogy makes sense. It's about a pragmatic, anorexic version of Dulf Lungren, who realizes that he can kill 140 million people to achieve world peace and he does so, despite the lackluster efforts of some newly converted religious zealots. I like that movie at that point. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely.

I think it's a romantic comedy between Lou Gossett Jr. and the Antichrist, and we're just starting to see that romance heat up. I think that the first two movies were really just to sort of set the stage, that the Antichrist is sort of this lonely guy who can't find love, who's fallen before he gets broken up with by Kirk, he gets broken up with by those two businessmen, who finally makes a connection with the president in this meeting, and in the following, this 16 books, so in the following 13 movies that they had planned, it's really about them learning to trust and love again.

It's really, it's gonna be great. That would be a better way to go with it, yeah. So, then tells me I'm the Antichrist. Damn. So here's my theory on this movie. I think it might have been an anti-vaxxer movie. They had a lot, like they were really confused about it, but in the end, you're not supposed to take vaccines,

it's red wine. You just want to drink red wine, antioxidants, all organic, no GMOs. No one can use this movie had autism. Yeah, my aunt is very glad to hear the message of this movie. I'll say you said then, you know, got it right, left behind three. The dolly needs the glasses.

Good for your heart. good for your heart. It's good for your heart. Not four bottles, Annie. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I look great for 50. You do. But you're 43.

I also, like, OK, so obviously with the anti-Christ wandering out and all the major characters still being alive You know, they were clearly trying to leave this open for another sequel and obviously the franchise has already been rebooted But I have a sneaking suspicion that we could talk Kirk into reprising this role for a handful of fucking Arby's coupons So I say we try to make left behind for we get Kirk on board What do you guys think what what happens in part four? What's our what's our story line? It could be nothing because that worked in part three and yeah, they did they did that too So let's see they he's already oppressed all the Christians and started World War three

um and he's immune to all weapons prayer doesn't work and wine cares the diseases So the main plot points of three are gone I'm gonna say they make reservations for brunch Isn't keeping with the sort of the dynamic that this series Yeah, the first 50 pages of book three out of 16 I'm not saying that I don't want to go somewhere that doesn't have gluten, but like I feel gluten-sensitive lately. Like I know that I listen, I know that it's not like a huge thing and I don't want to be one of those people, but I just want to go somewhere where I can avoid gluten. Everybody doesn't have to avoid gluten. And Chloe's like, I love gluten. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What comes immediately before and immediately after watching left behind world at war?

All right, I guess this was better than the time I watched the crying game with my grandma. So it's better than that, but not quite as good as the second time I watched the crying game with my grandma. She was a hip lady. Why do we keep watching this movie? I said I wanted to watch the one about the pig in the city. You're gonna like it. You're gonna like it this time. I thought you would get into it. I leaned in. I thought, no, no, no, no, have to do to you before you would recommend this movie to them? I think that a person would have to like dress like me and get

do a face off with me and then go around and like, say mean things to my entire family. That person, if I got to avenge myself on them, I'd just be like, ah, now that I have you in my grasp, you're watching left behind 3, and they'd be like, yeah, come on now I just told your mother you never wanted to see her again. I'd be like, that's fair. That's very right. That's right, no you. There's a little extreme of me, I apologize. I went a little old boy, I'm sorry.

Well, that's gonna do it for our review of Left Behind World at War, but that isn't gonna do it for the episode just yet We still have to get you excited about next week, of course So before we go, we're gonna take a few minutes for a quick preview review. So Eli tell us what's on deck? Brother White. This is about a white pastor going to a black church. I bet it's not gonna be at all racially insensitive. I can't wait. It looks watch the trailer for this movie. This movie I listen. There's nothing more racist than War Room. We topped out. We peaked out at War Room. It's our own fault. However, what we didn't get in War Room, which is pretty fun and racist, is a white person reacting to black people because they're so silly and that's what this whole

fucking movie is gonna be Apparently, and I love that it has Victoria Jackson in it and also Reginald Vel Johnson fucking Carl wins the Jackson is like the bizzaro Julia Sweeney Carle Winslow in this movie just from the trailer already looks like a Fucking Macy's parade float of Carl Winslow. Yes, it doesn't look like Carl Winslow And so this is apparently the story of a white pastor that once or a white guy who wants to be a pastor so bad But he just can't stand up correctly

So he gets fired from his his other church and then he has to go to some poor black church in the hood right and one of the lines in case you're wondering in this trailer is we live in the hood yeah exactly which is uttered by the daughter and i want to point out that i think this is very important it's okay to want to fuck the daughter she's nineteen now okay good i'm i'm gonna have a minute when this movie was made so if you look at it like man

boy which is it she's already 18 It's okay. Oh, okay. I wasn't really worried about when she turned Not a big thing for me. I want listen. I again, I'm gonna put this out there because we had a fantastic Tyler did a fantastic version of sinking in the seam in lattes guy Oh, it's someone would like to intercut Moments from this trailer and the trailer to training day after she says we live in the hood. I would love it.

King Kong ain't got nothing on me. We've got to get some celebrities. So yeah, that would be great. As a matter of fact, I will include the link to the trailer on the show notes for this episode, just in case anybody wants to get on that. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode six to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors

that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful. And thereby earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. You can also help us ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scanning atheists

and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Giraffes on Mars and was used with his permission. If you like what you hear hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath N. Wright and Eli Bosnick. I'm Noah Luzonz promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself.

Fuck you.