God Awful Movies - 61: GAM061 Wicked Vultures

Episode Date: October 18, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up for an atheist review of "Wicked Vultures", the third film in the "Vultures of Horror" series. Listen along as Kwame continues not to be the chief, his wife continues to use magical laser-vultures to nominally increase her bodega sales, and the producers fail once more to buy a god damn pop filter. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

As she leans, she literally counter crosses with a chicken like a check-off play. She goes one way and the chicken crosses the other. I was so certain that we were going to like follow the chicken and the chicken was going to do a monologue like, and now I have four stocks of corn. I can finally buy the bodega next to this other chicken and then then just like add some chicken-based characters to this movie, I was ready for it. There's never been a better reason for a crazy billionaire to give us money. Not awful!

Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Welcome back. Thank you Noah. Nollywood. We're doing more. Nollywood. Oh, yes, sir. We are in City 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Then you're melting and I'm not getting no no for where to never Yeah, so we I mean, you know, it's it that is what we just watched for an hour. I will forgive you for that. So he's Tune in. Tune in. Tune in. Tune in. Tune in. Tune in. Tune in.

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Tune in. Tune in. Tune in. Tune in. Tune in. Yeah, baby. It's part three of the vultures of horror series, or actually part one of part two, which is the sequel to part two of part one. It's almost impossible to figure out the order of these on Google, it's very difficult. Anyway, this one's your typical story about local elections, purchasing a female,

flea market, voodoo economics, and flaming skeleton demons. But literally not a single wicked vulture. So kind of a huge tease there. Yeah, no shit. There has been a a a dearth of vultures in these fucking movies and Eli, how bad was this, let's say, movie? Well, if you like vultures of horror one and two, this is going to try your patience. It's getting hard. It is. It's getting hard. Less and less after effects fire and more and more people talking behind that bosses back about how grady is again. It's it's it's it's I will I will we're, we're spreading the

vulture thing thin. I have high hopes for four, though, you know, there's, we just, we know from the, you know, eventually on reels that some good shit is coming, just not yet. So before we even get started, I want to ask, and I think we've kind of already spoiled the, the, the answer on this one. But of the three vulture flicks so far, where does this one rank? Oh, tied for last. I gotta go with second place. Oh really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we got two pieces of voodoo, right? We have two really fantastic special effects moments and the single best costuming moment i agree on any movie we've watched so bright side here there is the craziest costume across all movies and not just that we've reviewed or that we've seen or that were aware of yeah and we reviewed a movie where three people show up dressed as Batman for no fucking reason, and I'm not arguing with Eli. So I feel like this might be our last chance to say something nice about this flick. Are there any categories of, you know, where of these three movies you think this takes

first place? I'm going to say it's the most realistic primarily because pretty much nothing happened, but still technically a win most really. Can I go with less obsession over microphone placement? I feel like they really went much, much more cash on where they put the microphones. And I just had best background chickens. Oh, that's true. Very well behaved in this one.

And of course, is there anything that you guys would like to behaved in this one. Oh, and of course, is there anything that you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at best worst Mike placement? Yeah, every scene has I think two of them. One is shoved inside the actor and the other is a spy tech eavesdropper cone toy about half a mile away. Heavesdropper Cone toy about half a mile away. So bad. I'm going to go with best, worst, least understandable dialogue. So little behind the scenes for people here, the way that we cue each, because one of us always

watches the movie first. We don't watch it simultaneously. The way we cue each other that we're changing to a different scene in our notes is we write the first line of the next scene and no one watched this one first. So throughout the movie, it starts with him giving the first line and then it's like, took, took, band-dock, your guess is as good as mine.

Different people are on the screen. You know what I mean. That was the hardest thing about this movie for me. I would honestly, I would go back over it like two or three times and go, okay, but what does it sound like you know what is the Joe Cocker misheard lyric for this one all right well I think I've made my rampant vulture holism clear already I can only go so long before my next fix so we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we come back we'll break down all the interstitial inaction that is... Wicked Vultures.

For those new to the show, we should explain that the Vultures of Horror movies are essentially a Nigerian Christian-slash-voudun-so-popra that was recommended by a listener that we will never thank enough. It's just exactly the kind of no-budget head-scratching nonsense we love, but just to make sure we don't lose anybody in our breakdown of episode 3, we want to take a second to catch you up on the first two episodes. So before we get started, we'd like to present... Previously on Vultures of Horror... After a brief chicken sacrificing stint with the Cleveland Indians in 1989, Kwame returned to his homeland of Nigeria, where he hoped he could use his fame to be elected to the coveted

position of village chief. But despite a magical ritual, that included turning a kid into a skeleton, while Kwame held his head in his hand and spouted flames from his decapitated neckhole, village elders passed him over and elected the previous chief's son Mr. Lucky to the position. Meanwhile, Kwame's youngest son was desperately trying to fuck Rose. After a brief courtship ended with swollen testicles Rose, explained that she just couldn't be with a person who lacked ambition and had no money. Because the person who can't seem to meet another human in a location that isn't covered

in garbage and feral chickens, doesn't like poor people. So she gives him an ultimatum. Either he comes up with a thousand Nigerian dollars to prove he can afford her vagina, or she'll say goodbye forever. And on the other side of the moral divide, Kwame's brother, Shrinky Dinkla-Bron James, is working on a deal or something and constantly gets large sums of money

from poorly defined projects. Known for his generosity, moral rectitude, and monochromatic acting skills, he has a wife and two kids and never plays any kind of relevant role in any of these stories despite being their main character. Also, Kwame has a daughter, Quinn, who's in her sophomore year at Disney Princess University, and Quinn has a stalker, as well as the ability to summon laser vultures to do her evil bidding. But she's not the only one who can summon computer-generated devil birds to do her bidding. Kwame's wife also calls upon the powers of the great Shakra Kiki, part-time lord of

all that is evil, part-time basis to Glamrock cover band band to subtly influence the buying decisions of Nigerian bodega shoppers also there's a fat lady that wakes up occasionally just to make you go wait was that all a dream then and if so how much of it was a dream sequence the whole movie or what and two people who scream at a cross in a field and evil balloons that make children disappear or catch them like a pokeball, it's not clear. And now that it all makes perfect sense,

we can get back to breaking down episode three of the Vultures of Horror and Onology or however the hell many of them there are. Also, you're gonna Google first language Nigeria a whole bunch, and it's English. It's English. It's pitch in English. It's a perfectly legitimate language. That is their word. And we're back for the breakdown and I have to say as soon as I see that I baka TV logo, I start feeling a little tingling inside, you know, we just raised 25 grand for charity.

We debunked one of the most dangerous movies ever made. I'm just, I'm melting back into my recliner thinking, damn it, I have earned this shit. This is for us. This is for us. So, once again, we're going to start with the, you know, this preview scene and then go straight to the credits for this movie without any previews. That's kind of Vultures thing. We also get the flaming laser credits again.

Yeah. With the same sound effect, introducing each name over and over. Because, you know, that's killer. It's like a wealthy 10 year old designed his website. It's like a middle school project was to make a porn intro. It's a weird project. All right. Now, Mr. B Anderson, once you all to make a porn intro. Yeah. It's a weird project. All right. Now, Mr. Banderson wants you all to make a little intro for my home movies.

My wife was very beautiful at one point. You can't tell from this video. So then we're going to go right into the cold open with Kwame on his porch. And I guess they stole like the karate kid too opening. They're just playing the previous scene for like the last scene from the previous episode. Right. And I want to point out this movie has a phone number at the bottom.

Like all great films. Also just a couple of notable things. And you know, they're basically doing the same scene as last time. Hey, we elected Mr. Lucky and I'm mad about that. But the makeup was done by someone whose last name is for the number real. Yeah. It's not the most bizarre credit we're going to get, but since the credits last about nine minutes into this 58 minute flick, I've got some notes later on about them as well.

Like two scenes from now. Yeah. And I enjoyed the cartoonishly large golden throne. That's where we start on this shitty little porch. And, uh, Kwame Pedro Sarono guy, he turns on some Nigerian soft jazz emo music, which is nice. I'm saying it sounds like I'm on hold with like the vulture safety hotline. That was fun. And of course, we've got to remind you remind you of course we mentioned this when we did Vulture

too, but behind him on his porch is a great shocker a rekeke poster, a poster for his evil demon lord that he worships. As though it was cut out a team beat magazine. And I'm just saying this is the cleanest image we get of that poster. So if anyone wants to recreate it, we will turn it into a t-shirt and make it available for purchase. I'm just saying. Well, it's thought to our lawyers first, but yeah, I can't.

I just, I don't want to wind up in Nigerian prison. And I just want to remind you, and of course, again, we're just doing a scene we've already done here, but I want to just remind everybody that during this argument that that he's going to have with the village elder and the guy who is just elected chief. The movie makes very clear that the good guys in this movie are pro witch hunting and the bad guys are against that because they're witches, but that does mean that the movie is pro witch hunting. Right. And just to remind everybody who we're talking about the two good guys that's the cab driver in Camo pajamas, and Wesley Snipes in a Camono.

Right, right, do I have that right? And a stolen fedora. Well, yeah, I believe he stole it from Toy Story. Yeah. Tiny-ass little hat on this giant fucking head, it's hilarious. By the way, if you're wondering, costumes in this movie by Chris Brown, and yes, I believe it is the Chris Chris Brown that would make a lot of sense.

And they start right away with the ridiculous audio. It's switching between the wide shots and close-ups. It might even be worse than the last movie with this thing. And like next time we're going to hear the Doppler effect. It's all the mic bikes flying by on motorcycles. It's so rough. I just wrote my notes, that's the clipping I've come to know and love.

And of course, we get this great, this great blocking moment, because they come over with like a piece offering, they come over with a bottle of booze for the guy, which is apparently the only gift that anyone ever gives anyone and Nigeria is a bottle of booze or olive oil. And it's just called back to the last one. But anyway, but they forget the booze on the porch

and they have this weird blocking moment where he's yelling at him to get away, but then they have to go back and get it and he starts yelling at him to go get it. It's anyway, yeah, the maize. He's instructing them to get their useless bodies out of his house, and I wrote in my notes, the time Eli and Heath had a three-semit QED story.

But then they have to go back, like the actors, And I wrote my notes the time Eli and Heath had a three-semit QED story But then they have to go back like like the actors like they're not gonna do another take But the actors are like oh I forgot to prop thank you you had craft services and Then finally we get our music fix The cheers of ho-ro! I love it. Ladiesmith Black Bombazah with Auto Tuner. They're back. Yeah.

And we see Kwame's son in a pretty sweet looking prison cell. I mean, that's a nice looking prison cell. Well, I feel like this is supposed to be shit hole apartment for Nigeria. But I just want to say, I've seen people pay 900 bucks a month for a walk and claws it with a fridge in the bedroom, and I bet this isn't even a walk-up.

You can kind of tell from the window. But yeah, now we call them Superman in the last episode because he was wearing a Superman shirt at some point, and I don't believe they ever say his name. So Superman was the guy who was trying to raise enough money to fuck his girlfriend in the last movie. Right, and it was like $85 cents or $3 when we did the calculation last time.

But now it's 1, five cents or like three dollars. We did the calculation last time. Uh-huh. But now it's a thousand steady in Ghana currency. That's like two hundred forty dollars. Are they in Ghana now? That's like the new country's over. What happened? Well, the part in Nigeria was a dream. I do believe we established that at the beginning of two.

Oh, okay. But he's getting the money together by selling all of his belongings. And we're supposed to see him appraising his computer, but he's just looking at it like he's going to use it to smash open a coconut. Like, there he gone terribly long. Here you go, champ. I honestly thought he was checking Eli's Get Superman, laid, go find me from, from, we did the second one, but he wasn't.

No, he's looking to sell that laptop to raise the thousand bucks he needs to fuck his girlfriend. Mm-hmm. Also, by the way, somebody just took out a light saber in the next room. Yeah. They don't address this. Would have been exciting.

No. He's monologuing to himself and he says, she better love me and give me her whole life or I'll be bad. Yep. Those are the exact words. Yep. Those are the lines. Those are my motivations for bad. Yep. Those are the exact words. Yep. Those are the lines.

Those are my motivations for later. Yeah. And then as if we hadn't made that obvious enough, his brother, Steve, Kwame's other son, comes in and demands to know why he's packing up all this stuff so he can explain to him too that he's selling it for pussy money. Right. And the brother, at the end of the sea, he starts talking about, well, a well a giant plot hole he's like why doesn't my stupid brother just use our evil vulture magic to get this girl

very good question he literally says this is like a stupid thing in a movie i please send food ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I just wrote like well not a movie but yeah it's like a stupid thing in a video anyway. Also it's a tiny moment but when Starven Marvin walks in the room the actor doesn't know what to do. So he puts his leg up on the edge of the bed like he's a 1920s cartoon trying to hail a cab and it is the silliest thing in the world. If anyone was wondering what the silliest thing in the world was it's the footage of that full grown man with his leg up like Jessica rabbit uh...

also i believe this is my last credits know it was seven minutes and and twenty five seconds into this movie and the credits are still going at the bottom uh... but that this last one that i have is this director cheaty and yarn who chitox then parentheses it says the legal entertainer which makes you wonder what kind of trouble did the guy who directed the last one get into what reputation were they running away from me here also uh... speaking the credits which are yes like you said still going some of them happen in white letters in front of a person wearing an all white shirt and you just

can't like it at all. It turned visible credits, but they did not notice. And in case we didn't drive the point home with that four and a half minute scene, after it's over, after he leaves to go sell his stuff, Steve, Starvin Marvin sits there to say, and like, I don't think he should be doing this thing where he sells all his belongings for his girlfriend. And as if that's not enough, the next scene is going to start with him sitting in a fucking field going, I just sold everything

for my girlfriend. Just sit on a log explaining the last scene to myself and laughing. Like I totally sold my stuff and raised the money to purchase my girlfriend. Sure did. Look at all this money. Also, this is the scene that has the most wandering chickens in it. So I didn't hear anything the actor said. It doesn't matter, but there is some amazing chicken acting going on in the background. Just in case you wanted. Well, you know, it's funny because it's always when we, when these two characters meet,

that we have maximal background chickens. And I wonder if that's like a writer in her contract or if like this actress just carries her chickens with her everywhere, she goes like, you know, like, will Smith's posse. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So she just has to have them in all the scenes with her. I don't know. I think there's probably a reason, you know, it's a little little Easter egg there somewhere or something like that. But at any rate, yeah. So they meet in the chicken walking park. And he explains, you know, to her what he just explained to him. No, no, before she showed up. Right. And he was supposed to get $1,000, but he

only got 950. So she's pleased, but you know, she wants the other 50 before she'll bug him. She's very explicitly to him. Don't think that sex you'd be some making. And I'm just think, okay, like I'm sorry, but you could get so much pussy for a grand in Nigeria, right? I mean, that's the only reason for a Nigeria, right? Anyway, seems like he's overpaying. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, hey, look, I'm not going to run for fucking president. That's the difference. I know what you're doing.

That's the judge me. Who are you? You were here for loving the bad man. You're all here for loving the bad man. So, all here for loving the bad man. So she shoves the money into her tits and tells him to fuck off until he's got the other 50 bucks. And then she wanders off and he's just so pleased with him. So he's like, yep, nailed it. And this is the most important thing in the world. As she leans, she literally counter crosses with a chicken like a check-off play.

She goes one way and the chicken crosses the other. I was so certain that we were going to like follow the chicken and the chicken was going to do a monologue like, and now I have four stocks of corn. I can finally buy the bodega next to this other chicken and then just like add more chicken based characters to this movie. I was ready for it. There's never been a better reason for a crazy billionaire to give us money. Never. Yeah. All right. So now we cut to Kwame skulking in his backyard. And I'm sure this is in everyone's notes here. But remember the big giant gold thrown

he had in his front porch? He has a matching one in his backyard. How many of these does he have? Where does he just carry around the Rolex? It's crazy. And now I want to see inside the house, like he's got a toilet version, a little potty training one for the kid. A laser car one as the driver's seat. Yeah.

See, I wrote in my notes, he's so mad, he moved his throne to his backyard. I am right. And of course, he's monologuing about the last scene. He was in. Yeah, I wrote my notes. I think Kwame is going to start singing sunrise sunset because he goes, how could it young man who I knew so shortly

ago to be a young boy is now the chief village chief village chief. And I was just like, oh, I get it. Q the file in. And then he gets instantly surrounded by his sons. Chief village chief and I was just like oh I get it cue the file in And then he gets instantly surrounded by his sons the two sons appear from opposite sides of the house and like Converge on him and I want to point out these characters still more like a bull than the Trump family just throw I like his children. They're

Able I say able. This question is hard. And when the two sons show up, I want to, I wanted to like fold out two more giant golden thrown folding chairs back. No, slightly but yeah, yeah, exactly. So and now basically so we get Kwame Sculking and monologuing about how he should be the village chief then the suns show up and each of them says, I think you should be the village chief. And then they all three together say that they think he should be the village chief and then plot together. And now we're back to mom's shop, Kwame's wife's shop, for more supernatural bodega competition. Now, okay, so in each of these films so far,

this woman has enacted another Wily Coyote-esque manner of magically thwarting the more popular bodega next to her. Right. Sorry, no, I hate to disagree with you, but Wiley Coyote used more than one idea. What this woman does is notice her business is bad. Pilate, pot from Zelda, eat a full of After Effects fire.

She yells at it and then something bad happens to the other woman momentarily. But this time, Mr. Lucky, the chief elect, he shows up at the marketplace to make sure there's no dark magic corrupting the economy. And obviously, one of the giant sectors of this economy is a cluster of two exactly the same canned tomato cement bag and condom stores. That's the important thing to police here. And there's this moment where he first pulls up. This is the kind of shit you only get in the Vulture series. It goes to open the garden or

and it's locked. So she can't and then he unlocks it so she goes to open it again, but he's already opening it now. You could have you could have opened the door and cracked your skull open. They would have kept this cake. Oh, yes. Yeah, you only get that level of fuck up in these films. This is also where we learn he's working on a WootopoJ, which is water project. But I rewound this movie 84 times to figure out that he meant water project. I just want to throw that out there. When you hear it, it's water project. Yeah.

And so, but what we're really setting up here, so Mr. Lucky shows up and talks to the evil competitor lady that, or not, I'm sorry, the good Christian competitor lady that the evil wife is always trying to fuck with with a Zelda pot. He drives off and then she busts out the Zelda pot, right, to call upon the great Shakara Kiki to steal her customers again. And apparently give her a really bad, Charlie horse. That's the effect this time. Fire Pumpkin Blow, her leg hurts.

Well, she falls down and starts screaming and nothing is funnier than the other three actresses trying to drag this actress a foot and a half. They're just like, God, they make the same foot and a half. They drag her in like four different directions. They can try to quarter her and it obviously is not working very well. I also love this great little moment. It cuts back to the evil wife, just, know, he and about it and she goes, that is the way these cookies crumbles.

That's those are exact words. Yeah, probably best to use idioms, actually, no fluently, no big deal. But then as if to spite me after making that note, she says, goodbye to bad rubbish. To finish it off. I felt like she was gonna pull up a bag of the bottom of the aisle cereal and be like, cookies, crumbles from Nigeria. It's no chocolate.

So, all right. So now we're going to cut to a couple of chicks. Correct me if I'm wrong. This is the good bodega Charlie horse ladies daughter and Rose, correct? The reason I asked this is, I want to be very clear about this. So it doesn't sound like I think all Nigerian women look the same. But they film this with the sun behind the characters. So you can't see any of their facial features. You're just aware that there are two women. And yeah, and it's a walk and talk minus the talk.

It's just the walk. There's no audio for like the first five minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Once they stop, we can hear them. It's like a relativity thing. Yeah. Also, have we met these characters before?

Well, that's what I'm asking. I honestly, I can't tell because you can't really see their faces. One of them's definitely Rose, and then we learn later that one of them is the market ladies all right yeah phone call she gets uh... yeah cuz eventually they stop walking and and stand in one place long enough to have some conversation apparently they're talking about what an awesome chief mister lucky is gonna make

and as they're doing it they're visibly getting bitten by humming bird-sized mosquitoes haha but they're slapping their skin like pulling the typhoid out and shit. We also learn at this point that Kwame was on suspension for Giansaga. Yeah. You never figured that one out. Your guess is as good as mine. Nope.

Yeah. So, but basically they've heard that he's an evil vulture summoner or something like that and they're glad that he didn't become the village chief. And honestly, they tell you this as though their lines are being revealed one word at a time from far away. Yeah, like they're reading smoke signals over a hill. Right. On a windy day, no less. And then one of them gets a phone call and it's terrible news. This is when we learn that she's other bodega ladies daughter. Yeah. And by the way,

she answers the phone like Dave Chappelle doing little John. It's just what? So loud. There was no time for anyone to give her bad news. And I know this happens a lot in the movies we watch, but she literally like puts the phone to her ear and she's like, my butt has injured her leg.

Yeah, so who told you that? Do you have a one syllable term for that back home? So can you just massage it? It's a Charlie horse? Whatever. Like what? Give her water. I don't know. Well, so now we cut to the leg hospital to find out. And this is my first of no of my favorite notes that Noah put in, which is sad, unintelligible, wailing is Noah's in, which is sad, unintelligible whaling is Noah's in no interest, which is exactly what it is. It is just a woman being like, This is what they sing at like Bolivian funerals.

If your kid dies from trapnel, you get to do this song for a day and a half. Is that where it comes from? Yeah, they took this sound from a lepo. That means lap dance, right in Spanish. That means Mosul. Oh, okay. Yeah. No guys, it's the dog food. It's your fast enough.

But yeah, so this is this is other bodega lady, the good Christian lady that's had to thwart, you know, laser vultures and skeletons and all kind of shit in the previous movies. And now she has a really bad Charlie horse and and her foot has a good deal of glue on it. Also, yeah, that was part of the and this is actually a really terrifying scene because she's in mourning the fact that her foot is now got gangrene or whatever it is. And we see the protagonists of this movie going through the bad thinking that causes people

to kill other people for being witches. He literally turns to him and goes, nobody who was walking around one day could develop a swollen leg the next day. It might be vultures of horror, which is one, not true, and two, how people in this part of the world end up murdering each other all the time. Again, this is a pro. Your neighbor is probably a witch film. Yes.

Yeah, and also, I just want to point out, okay, in this particular instance, the evil sorcerer in question, like stands publicly outside with her evil Zelda pot and blows magic CGI fire around while very loudly summoning the great shock, Rakeki. There's not really a who'd done it here. Yeah. And just to review, she used this evil magical power for a low level leg hurting prank. That's what happened. Yeah, to nominally increase the sales at her bodega.

So speaking of which, so now we're going to cut to, you know, the bodega the next day or whatever. And she's just waging in customers, which is fucking silly, because when we saw him before, there were zero customers between the two bodegas. So if she gets all of those customers, it's not 26. Yeah. Also, I want to point out, if you watch along with us, which I highly recommend for this one, it's 56 minutes and every moment is a new type of crazy. Look at this bodega. Tell me if you can identify any of the products she's selling.

I could not. I paused it and sat there staring and I was like, those bags that hang from the wall could be spices, but I don't fucking know. I don't know what any of the things in that bodega are. There's some Coca-Cola in there or something. There were two bottles of Coca-Cola. Yeah. Yeah. And some large cement bags and some canned tomatoes. And condoms, we already know what this is, what you need. Also, okay, so we start this off and what we're supposed to see is she's got a lot of customers, but they start with this big crowd of customers and we watch this scene all the way through her helping all of these customers.

Like I wrote in my notes several times, oh my God, we're going to watch her cash all these people out, aren't we? Some old woman comes up, starts to count coins into her hands. Yeah. Coupons, you have coupons? You're going to cut those now, you didn't cut those ahead of time. Come on. I bought this here last week and, yeah.

So, and then, so, and the payoff for for all this the reason we have to watch her cash out twenty one customers is so that we can then watch her cackle evenly to herself and and and and again and we've brought this up in every one of these movies now but like her big plan with her magical crippling power is to increase bodega says like

you could just cripple people and then run up to them and take their money. Right? Vultures with laser beams is part of her set of powers. Just make that perfectly clear to everybody. Yes. And okay, so now we're done with that storyline for basically this entire movie. Now we're going to go back to the dorm room where Kwame's daughter goes to the 10 year old girl college dorm room. Oh, this is a Fambour Nash. I had her as Black Shannon Doherty. I had her as Black Shenatal Conner.

So yeah, we're all around it. Yeah, exactly. And as you recall, in the last one, she was dealing with this stalker dude that really wanted a fucker that she was not interested in. And a professor who really wanted to fucker that she was not interested in. And a professor who really wanted to fucker that she was not interested in. Why in the world does everybody in this movie want to fuck her? No idea. And also, if she has a rapy professor,

why does she decide to go see that person? At the end, like, that's not the best plan, I would say. You make a call or you call the like, you know, authorities, I don't know. She got, you see, her friend who is a runner up on RuPaul's drag face. Yeah. Um, comes in and gives her her test results. And apparently her test results are out of 10. And she got a three out of 10.

And so she's going to go talk to her professor about it. Crazy fucking stupid. I wish she doesn't walk into any solid objects along the way. Don't think if you four out of 10 for writing your name, that's what I heard. Well, and she goes, she's like, I'm not taking this in a room. It goes, what are you going to do?

And I'm just like magic vultures is what she's going to do. Bitch, we get the fucking vultures of horror movie, music going again, the auto tuning. And I got excited. It was a little too early. And I mean, who can blame me for getting excited right? Because this is where we finally meet the Rayby professor character, Cornell West, Jr. And in all of the, you know, coming on the next mulch is a horror.

They keep showing this guy being tormented by flying chairs and chased by vultures and shit. We finally get to see him. He looks exactly like a five year old wearing a Cornell West costume. He's wearing his dad's pants. They're way too long, belt wrapped around his waist like six times. You can see the rubber band going behind his head, ridiculous beard being held up. It's terrible. Yeah, could not look more like Halloween adventures, black guy disguise. Also, another great Noah note here to enter this scene. You see Quinn, you're the one person yourself arrow wild guess at what he's saying. And again, I watched this

multiple times. I was like, no, I got to get this right. So the guys will know what the hell scene up. Oh my fucking God. So yeah, so she's there to tell him off for giving her a bad grade. And he's there to speak in just like random shouted syllables. Like he doesn't even emphasize, like his words don't even stop at the end of the words, but rather midway through a syllable and then start up on the, it's really hard to explain, but it's bizarre the way this guy's delivering his line.

His pauses are incredible. How dare you, hmm, three, four, speak to me in that manner. I actually have the same thing. I was like, how dare you, parentheses goes for a drink, comes back, speak to me that way. So yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's like a bad guy in a kung fu movie. Just yeah, it's like someone put random punctuation

all over his lines and he just read them anyway. Exactly as it is. How dare you cut break for lunch? Say that to me. It's fucking unreal. There's also a great moment where he basically explains to Fambournatch that if she doesn't allow him to slip which Jew.

He's gonna fail her. I would have pointed out to just so you have the proper visual. This is a big check, right? She looks like she could play like left tackle for the Vikings or something. This is a big girl. And the dude is incredibly tiny. He's like, Erkall and a beard. Yeah, he's African Kevin Hart.

Yeah, but she couldn't whip that fucking dudes ass so it's so funny to watch her like bowing up on it. It's like, you don't need vultures. Also, the music this guy listens to, apparently in his office, is crazy. It's this like creepy pipe working music. Like if the Phantom of the Opera swung in on a chandelier, it would not be weird at all.

I'm not seeing. Yeah, do you like this music? I got it from a haunted circus. The elephant died. It was murder. But also, okay, so because like this is how the conversation essentially goes. She's like, how dare you only give me a three? And he's like, you are too disrespectful. And she says, you will beg for death, but you will never find it. That's her actual, I'm like, man, that escalated.

Shit, that's like a presidential debate. We've all had those meetings in a professor's office hours where you threaten to torture them into eternity without a chance for the rest of death. I get it. I get it. And then she leaves so that we can, and it was so that we can listen to like all the other characters in this movie after someone leaves they have to talk about the previous scene for a few seconds on camera. Oh, he keeps yelling for a good five minutes. Oh, yeah. Nobody. Yeah.

And every word he's yelling is clearly one that he's never seen before now. His pronunciation on a frontery is amazing. There's like 31 syllables in it. Yeah, it's efrontry. Efrontry. That's the guy went to the same pronunciation school. Just me and him in a classroom of two with someone at the front being like chimera. And now we cut to three drunk guys. This would be Quinn's stalker and his two buddies. Okay.

And there's no reason for them to be drinking from seven different full beers. Yes, right. That they have not drunk at all. And they've already opened them though. They're just sitting there. Yeah. No, it's amazing how often they get like bottle goes in liquid, liquid goes in person wrong in these kind of movies.

And it doesn't even divide evenly it's like it's three guys and seven beers if there were nine it might be slightly more or some of them were empty yeah maybe yeah also I want to point out that this is two movies in a row we've done that feature nighttime sunglasses debauchery so sure and one of the friends is singing a drinking song and he notices that his friend isn't like singing along I don't know what is he supposed to be motivated by but he's like oh See Come on man. What's wrong with you? I'm doing my famous

Go to go sing songs and you're just not even into this Why do we get together? Do you want to split this last beer all three of us on this one beer or not? get together do you want to split this last beer all three of us on the one beer or not. So, and what are these guys, his Quinn Stalker, right, the Lee Kahnemanish guy? He is the hardest to understand, maybe in this entire movie. He has both this very difficult Nigerian English accent with, I think, a Scottish accent at points. It changes, but here it's Scottish. It's very difficult.

Yeah, he has a Scottish Jamaican Nigerian accent yeah yeah and i have to do line cues from him holy shit and and of course he's talking about how quen still won't fuck him despite the fact that he's bought or shit and everything and he's really pissed about that to which is roommates is yeah if i were you i would bury her alive what that's his life i mean not move on and find another would bury her alive? No, what? That's his life. I mean, not move on and find another girl. Barry, her alive. And maybe that's a figure of speech in Nigeria.

I feel like it's not though. It's locker room talk. All kinds of things to it. This episode was topical when we recorded it guys. I just want to point that out. No, but the point is that he hates everything about her. So now he says like, he's like, I don't want to go out with her anymore, but now how am I going to explain all the money I spend on her without getting my tip wet.

So his friend, the one who just recommended bearing her alive, says, I have a plan. Let's whisper about it like cartoon characters. But here's what's amazing. He goes, I have a plan. But then they didn't the one time you heard something you weren't supposed to in this movie yeah there's very clearly going I'm that's what they're that's what they're saying when they're speaking out loud too

man come on let's be fair also this main Scottish Jamaican guy has so much adult acne. It's visibly festering like the top of a cauldron out of his face. And one of the things, they're all smoking cigarettes that get bigger and smaller every time you got a chance. Sometimes it's a gar, then it's a giant Sherlock pipe, back to a cigarette. It's crazy. So and the key here though is that the stalker guy agrees with the other dudes plan, which I believe is the gang rape her. So which means

that that's when he whispered, right? He's whispered. He's like, we could all gang rape her. And the other guy's like, yeah, I guess, I guess. Yeah. Okay. Interesting to wonder how that dialogue goes exactly. And now we get to the most difficult line queue that I had to do for the entire fucking movie. The best I could do was gift, gift or mumble, umble birth and then no fucking clue. The broad James is checking his phone. I just gave up at this point, but now we're finally back with the happy good family. Shrinky, think, look, broad James and his kids and wife and everything.

And he's talking to his maid who it turns out is his foster daughter whose name is GIFZ? GIFZ? Maybe? Or she was given to him as a gift and he just still calls her that. No, I get it. It's one of the other. But yeah, yeah. And she was given to him. Like he says that like when

her parents died and he took control of it was like, you know, I wanted to, you know, you would just see me as a father. It's like, Oh, well, you know, she's your maid. So that's not what a father would do with his daughter, but in any way, generally foster children. And look, I don't know, generally foster children aren't employed by the family they stay with. And he says, are you okay? You look sad and troubled. I wrote my notes. He has unrealistic dialogue

if he were playing someone's first attempt at a robot. But she won't tell them what's wrong. Instead, she goes back to wiping the couch with a towel. Well, he definitely just wants the fucker, right? Like, it was definitely like, oh, why are you sad as in like, is it because you need some dick? Like, it seems like that's a,

not in a dick frown. Yeah, I had this as the beginning of a porn down as well. Okay. Yeah, I was hoping for the same, but no. And instead of just resolving that here and now, we actually go to a second scene about the same thing, where he makes a second attempt to ask her what's wrong, in a slightly different location that was visible

from the location of the first scene. And a louder place, too. It's a much higher volume part of the room. It's a much louder, more echoing. Yeah, that's what they needed. She reveals to him that her younger sister has been turned into a prostitute by her aunt. Yeah.

And that her mom warned them, especially not to be prostitute. She says. She says. Like it was, and she says it like it was her dying request. Like before my mom died, she asked us to always love our family and not to be hookers. Yeah. And also, I want to point out too, because in this movie, of course, because they're writing it, or it all pays off, but, but leading into this, like, he asked her like eight times, what's wrong?

And she's like, it's personal. What's wrong? It's personal. And I wanted to go vaginal itch. Like, at a certain point, it's a personal problem especially from a woman when you're a man is an invitation to shut the fuck up But not in this movie apparently yeah, so yeah, but her sister's being hoarded now, but don't worry. He's gonna unhoar Yeah And then the very end of the conversation is like okay, so that's all settled. Go back sweeping He makes her go back to work. He's amazing because he's on one of these like squeaky leather couches where every time you move on it and he goes wipe your tears

and then goes to move towards her and it's like, So this was fucking Merrill Streep and Robert De Niro. It is hilarious. Yeah, so now that he's promised us to take care of the horn she can get back to fucking work. I wouldn't even give her a break after that. It's pretty fucking cold blooded and keep in mind that this character is supposed to be like, we're only seeing this

scene so we can be reminded how good and generous this guy is. Yeah. So now we cut to his office and I have to shame myself for just a minute for immediately recognizing that that's his receptionist and this is his office. And so one of his assistants comes in and there's good news in an envelope and he's really happy. So he runs off to tell everybody about it.

Yeah. And everybody is apparently in a school computer lab from 1995. I had a room full of computer monitors hooked up to eight track players, but similar. Yeah Now eight track player. How many is that a computer that only plays eight MP3s at a time? That's It's very close to that actually. Yeah race car so Yeah, you stick your feet out the bottom and then it plays music. Yeah, more or less So but his assistant. Okay, so now this is, if this is his evil looking creepy assistant that clearly doesn't have his best interest in mind from the last couple or whatever.

Him and another guy that works for him are talking and apparently, they don't make this very clear, but apparently the two of them have come up with a good plan to defraud the Nigerian government out of millions of dollars. That's what I got. Yeah, their plan is they've been given $300,000 to build a power plant, which is terrifying. Yeah, no, they've been given $300,000 and their plan is to keep it. Like, that's their brilliant fucking just Superman 2-esque plan is just like and what we do is we don't build a power plant at all It's the perfect crime Yeah, who would suspect the people we gave that money to I guess

And Ron did it. Well, it's true. No, it has worked in Nigeria before they are the smartest guys in the room Well, it's true. No, it has worked in Nigeria before they are the smartest guys in the room But they but but that's the thing is they sit there and they plot about it like oh all this money And then they've been one of them says wait a minute wait a minute Well our boy scout boss just steal hundreds of thousands of dollars idle. I bet he won't 300,000 dollars like there's something about the fact that each of them would have gotten $100,000 out of this that's so weirdly depressed it's not twenty eight million three hundred but he says the one guy says i'm gonna buy a new car and build three houses too so

that's even more frightening but what's even more amazing is that later on in fact one scene later the guy says we will all get hundreds of thousands in bonuses. So like apparently there's more money in it for them if they don't steal the money than if they do. Who knows? So yeah, so we cut to the next scene and it was so nice because in this scene cue, he spells out his line, right?

LeBron goes, look guys, the answer is no. And no one will do that with all your lines, dude. Help us out here. calls out his line right LeBron goes look guys the answer is no and oh no I'm like do that with all your lines dude help us out here yeah exactly for now on new rule but yeah so basically is explaining to people that look guys building power plants isn't like debugging windows you don't just to get the keep all the money so call back and and he completely disagrees with their plan to just be complete and utter frauds in the dumbest possible way. Right. And because if they steal the money,

people will hate them and curse their unborn generations laser noise. Now, you're good at watching this and that's exactly what happens. He goes, they'll test the unborn generations. Pequue! And I wanted someone with like a blaster to be like, I am so, I did not realize this thing was there.

Did they load? Is they, if they're bullets in here? I haven't. I'll put it down. Yeah. Yeah, and this is where he says, but guys, you'll get hundreds of thousands and bonuses. And I'm like, that's more than you were just talking about

stealing guys. I don't really get what your motivation is. I mean, you could buy hundreds of Kwame's son's girlfriend with that kind of money. But, uh, it's, but I guess apparently it is enough for him because then in the next scene, I went to all our negotiation from now on in Kwame's son's girlfriends. It's like, yeah, I don't know. I'm paying like two Kwame son's girlfriends right now and I just feel like, you know, we're in a one bedroom apartment. There's got to be like a one Kwame son's girlfriend in Manhattan, right? That's not crazy. That's not crazy. It is crazy. But so, but now, okay, again, keeping with the rule of thumb in this movie,

which is this scene is going to be us telling you what the next scene is about. This scene is going to be that scene and the next scene is going to be talking about what that last scene was. Now that we get these two plotting guys coming back out of his office, talking about how moral he is. Yeah, he's so great. Any other boss would have just stolen $300,000 from the government apparently.

Yeah, the bar is low in Nigeria. I mean, holy shit. I would steal $300,000 from the national treasury, but this is why knowing he'd get to make the decisions. Yeah, wait, no, that's on the white board. That's why no one gets to make the government. So now we're on, we're going to go back to campus so we can wrap up a Quinn story, at least for this episode. And I just want to point this out.

First of all, this is not relevant to the movie, but just as a quick reminder, bring us back to Earth here. When we get to the, to the scene for them, like checking their grades in the foreground, there's this giant, like, end malaria. Now get information here. like checking their grades in the foreground, there's this giant like end malaria now, get information here, thing that just happened to be there where they were shooting. So, you know, it's fun to make fun of this shit and everything,

but we get it, we do get it. We understand why you can't spend more money on lighting. Ha ha ha ha. Hard to do set dressing when you're like, no guys, mosquito curtains are number one on the budget. Yeah, right. Number one. What about the number, fucking one? You hear me, Kyle? You hear me? guys mosquito curtains are number one on the budget. Yeah, exactly.

What about the number fucking one? You hear me, Kyle? You hear me? Number one. And of course, this, you know, and what we're supposed to be seeing here is that Quinn comes out, looks at her grades, finds out that the guy failed her and she's really pissed about it. But in order to get there, we have to watch people check their grades for a solid 90

seconds, other than her before she comes out. And it is so much that I'm like, who are these characters? We don't know these people and it doesn't matter. We're not supposed to. They're just background characters that got 90 fucking seconds of screen time. I wrote is everyone checking to see who made it into the school play is everyone checking to see who made it into this movie. Yeah. Yeah. And apparently, okay, so she sees her great and she's pissed, which means she walked away from that meeting with Cornell West Jr. thinking he had changed his mind. Right?

I mean, didn't she, otherwise have no, no, but she's apparently surprised, so surprised. That her face turns into a flaming skeleton? Did I see that correctly? So you're talking about... What the fuck was that? You know flaming skeleton time of the month, you don't want to break it off but you can tell when she's turning into a flaming skeleton. Am I right fellas? Holy shit!

And I can't express this well enough. You have to watch this one to get it. But basically she goes, she turns to the camera, she goes, that man has done his worst. Her head turns into a cartoon fire skull. And then it turns back and she goes, now it's my turn. And I just wrote my notes.

My notes are just like, I deserve this. My dick is lubed. I am so, and she starts wandering off all slow, motiony, the music note I've got is, oh, they brought a cave troll. I am so fucking ready for her to attack in with telekinetic chairs. Oh, the video, she's very clearly gonna CGI shark attack him. Exactly. And he's just walking up to him at a nowhere, yeah. And also she is rocking so many pleats at this point.

These enormous highways to like Zika. For each he pants. It's fantastic. Also, she has a pink noose around her neck, which is that a normal accessory? A noose. We have even better wardrobe notes coming. Yeah. And so now we get back to Professor Kung Fu screamer here who invites her to do her worst.

Like she comes up to him just in the quad or whatever and starts yelling at him. And that's it. Nothing happens. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, no, sorry if I got your hopes up there. But first of all, I just got the fucking audio in this movie. He says something about like, I got the fucking audio in this movie. You know, he says something about like, I want to see you do your worst.

And she says back to him, so be it. But you can't, you have to like turn the volume way up and try and play it again to know that that's what she says. Because all of a sudden there is completely no fucking sound. And they didn't even change angles. No, like, are they doing that in post? Are they putting that in? It's crazy. Some ran out't even change angles. No, like, are they doing that in post? Are they putting that in? It's crazy. Some ran out of batteries or something. Yeah. Oh, but you know what? So,

once it was still on the phone, maybe we can use that. Right. Um, yeah. But then, yeah, but then she walks away and nothing happens. Yeah. And the professor declaims that he's going to fell her on all her courses. I didn't know professors were allowed to do that, but apparently they weren't. Well, you know, he's got some cloud, obviously, with a beard like that. And, and, and before we have to admit that this whole setup completely fails to pay off at all in this movie, let alone in this scene, we're gonna pause for a quick break,

but before we do, let me give act three the hard sell here. Will they buy a windscreen for their microphone? How about a boom? It can really just be a stick and some duct tape guys, or maybe just send me the audio. I will clean it up before you post the next one. I would be that easy, guys. I would do it out of the kindness of my heart. Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the random and unsatisfying conclusion of Vultures of horror three wicked vultures Sound by no illusions

There you My daughters come to me Ismoda Guppatump Dave My daughters I'm about to day and before I day I want you to know it is very important to me. Oh tell us more than anything. And damn. Hmm. No.

Do no become prostitutes. What? Do no become prostitutes. For it will bring much shame upon our family. I mean, yeah, I mean, yeah, so that is pretty obvious. No, really, really, really, really. Yeah, I would think it's pretty obvious that being a prostitute in Nigeria is not the clear that the mother would hope for her daughters to have.

Oh, we had, I thought, you know, maybe because like the money is so good and you don't have to work that hard, it would be more appealing to you. Okay, well, now it is sound like you're trying to sell me on being a prostitute. No, no, no, no, just I thought you would be more open to the idea. I was not where you were ideologically, I guess. Well, we're not. So is that like you're dying advice to your totals? Well, it was. And now you made me feel stupid. No, no, it's good advice, Mara.

You're just saying that? No, no, really. We won't be prostitutes. OK. I mean, unless the money is like great. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, culturalism and we're going to start off with Kwame's good brother LeBron, celebrating the big deal or whatever, like he has done in all three episodes so far. This company I swear like 50% of this company's budget is celebratory champagne. Yeah, but we get to watch someone figure out how to open a bottle. Takes a minute. They serve in wine glasses because Nigeria is terrible.

And also it looks more like Coke because it was definitely not white champagne. It was, it looked like a really fancy Coke bottle that has like a wire that you have to take off. That could be. We don't know. We don't know their culture. Yeah. It's the Mexican Coke. And also like, you know, good luck keeping up here. But apparently we have now fast-forwarded months later, but only on this timeline. Other things will happen that are only hours or days later from the other timelines, but it is now months later and the project that they were going to steal the money from is now done and they're all getting bonuses for it.

They've built their $300,000 power plant. Exactly. It's gone over super well. How much time was that? Yeah, you to build a power plant or a grid or whatever they were doing? Yeah, they say a power grid, yeah, exactly. And okay, let's see, 10 chickens and 10 wheels for them to run on.

It's a corn to motivate them. Yeah, I get it a couple months, couple months. Ethically sensitive multi-cold goes on. So yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, you know, you know, we've been able to achieve so much of whatever it is that we were supposed to have just done. We should all celebrate for not being felons and frauds, big, big pats on the back all around.

They've got a cake that says not Andrew Wakefield on it. Also apparently it's LeBron's wife's birthday now because why the fuck not wasn't haven't we already been through it was her birthday in this every day's your birthday when you're a beautiful central newbie and Brian. Okay, that's what I thought. Yeah. So that's that scene. And then we cut to his wife LeBron's wife also runs a shot but it's a much nicer one that quame's wife because she's not a devil worshiper and this is

the best i could do in the line q on this one wow behold the latest pumpkin curl shania twain which is actually what she's saying it could be it's as likely that is anything else that it sounds like yeah she also got her furniture to do her accounting on it the nicest toys of Russ in nineteen or yeah all right so she literally she's got this composition book which is I guess her books for the for the shop that she runs and she sits down at this tiny little

plastic play school desk in the middle of a grocery store to start doing her books. To keep track of all the juice boxes for grown-ups, which is apparently the only thing they sell here. Yep. For Telly is the juice they sell. Yes. Yeah, well done. Well done. Brothers. Also, no mics for this scene. They went raw. Raw dog. Believe the way they did the sound for this scene was a man ran around the actors in a circle holding up his phone. So okay, so her friend is showing up and I don't remember if this is the friend that got

beaten in the last movie or not, but anyway, it's a friend to hers, showing up to take her to lunch. And this is such an awkward scene. Any time a prop is entered into this script, everything goes right to hell. You know, she's got this present, which is again a bottle or two a champagne, or fancy coke or whatever to give to her. And she actually hands it to her

on two different occasions as here, happy birthday. Yeah, also, but I tiny note, but behind them on the shelves are yogurt, unrefigerated yogurt. Why don't they refrigerate their fucking yogurt? Is that yogurt? Most of my notes for this scene is being troubled by what is in those yogurt containers.

If we're lucky, it's just math or something. But yeah, and also the woman who hands her the birthday present twice also says twice, I wish you much prosperity and progress. It's so bad that I assume that like that lady thought they were doing two cuts from two different directions and the director just disagreed. They got a little fight about it or something. Anywho, so she's going, but she's taking her out to lunch and another great moment. She's where you realize how little

attention they're paying to their own goddamn movie. She gets up and she turns to the girl that works for and she says, get my bag, I'm going out with my friend and then she just walks out the goddamn store without getting a bag. That's a gift for her now. I guess. I bequeathed my bag to you. And then the sound goes out. All of the sound goes out. Yeah, yeah. And now that that pivotal scene is taken care of, in case you were wondering where she had lunch that day, we get the wife showing up late that night at home,

which means she had to work all day on her birthday, which kind of sucks. And her husband, a grown-up, has cut little red construction paper hearts out for her and put them upon the bed. Yeah, it's supposed to be, well first of all, she walks into a totally dark room, so I just want to point out this movie is, as it is ending, it is slowly eliminating all the elements that make it a movie.

Sound, that's the next scene we'll have no sad, just one of the three. But it's supposed to be like a rose petals on the bed moment but he's about to surprise her with her children like if I sprinkled rose petals and lit candles and had a bubble bath ready and then my mom and Anna's parents were also there that's weird super weird to surprise someone with rose petals on their bed and their children. And you know what else would be weird if Anna and her parents blindfolded you at that place. Is that's what happened. So yeah, the kids in the dad come and they sing happy birthday incorrectly.

And then they blindfold her like they just got her a fucking firing squad in a cigarette. And they're like, we have to show you your gift and I wanted so bad for it to be a Sybian. You know, I wanted the kids to be going like, okay, mom, now take off your panties and squat. Right, I wrote Forson with your kids, finally. I get it. Yes. How Trumpian of them.

But no, they take her outside where she discovers that she has a new car. How did she get home? Well, how did she not get into the house without noticing that there was a car wrapped in a bow outside? Requiring minds want to know. Exactly. This film lacks the skill of a non-consensual dick pick. Yeah, but they got her a Nigerian Mercedes aka a 2008 certified pre-owned Ford Focus and she is thrilled about it so they're all gonna go for a ride And I guess this is seen exists so that we could establish that she's the kind of chick that likes getting new cars for her birthday

Because that's all we get from this scene. Yeah, right? That's gonna be crucial for the next thing This is crucial for the next thing What because why the fuck not so yeah, so now we are done with that family We are gonna move back over to the stalker dude the guy who wanted to fuck Quinn and they're gonna kill Nephi once and for all So yeah, they're all meeting up for the big gang rape. I guess. And they literally are like doing a West Side story. Ask like he's punching his own fist into a candy thing like today. We're going to rape.

A rap. Crazy billionaire version of west side story to i just want to put it out there we could do that as well the night jury in west side story spoof that'd be awesome anyway so and i just want to point this out okay because we we literally have like seconds of movie left but i want to point this out so they all get ready to go are you ready to gang rape Quinn? I am ready to gang rape Quinn. Let us go rap gang rape Quinn. Where's her roommate? She's elsewhere, whatever. And then they all pull ski masks on. Oh my God. This is so amazing. Except for one of them who doesn't own a ski mask. So he just takes the beanie that he's wearing and pulls it over his face. It is the greatest and then the actor cannot see.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a black thing. No, it's a black thing. No, it's a black thing. Very clearly it's like, whoa, this mask is weird. I don't know. It's more than a black thing, more than a black movie. There's no eye holes in it at all or anything.

Oh, there's like rosebite. There's like Jonah Hill and the KKKC is fantastic. Also, do they sell ski masks in equatorial Africa? How did the other two guys get actual ski masks? It was order of online. It's got to be a big business there. And then they wander off to go rape Quinn and the movie ends. I feel like they should police that every single time somebody orders ski masks into Nigeria. There's probably a problem happening. Preemptively arrest them. Yeah, exactly. It's gotta be. And well, maybe that's what happened. Maybe that's the

why the one guy had to just pull his own hat over his face. I guess Chris Brown got arrested for the three ski masks. Come on, buddy. so yeah, and then the movie just tells you to go fuck yourself and ends yep okay, and so the plan here is they're gonna rape Quinn that's actually their plan here right? I think so but isn't sure an evil flame skeleton like I don't who's the good guy here the murder rape gang is the good guys right now

it's not sure okay yeah I mean, I Yeah, that's the closest we get I guess. So now does anybody want to make any predictions for what we can expect in episode four? Oh, so less and less things have been happening in every movie. So I think we're just gonna watch these guys drive in real time to Quinn's apartment. these guys drive in real time to Quinn's apartment. I'm gonna take three minutes.

Heath, any predictions you want to make? No, I would not like to predict anything. But I'm guessing maybe we'll watch them like re-knit a skimask for the third guy with the holes in the right spot. Watch them play 20 questions. Easy did bet you to boot. Easy did mean run. Easy to mean, Ryan. Culturally sensitive. Anyway, so, all right, so in summary this week, I'd like you to tell me what you thought of this movie, but my challenge for you is to try to do it in the form of a prayer to the great Shakira Keke. What do you think? You got it?

Okay, all right, dear Shakira Keke. uh... dear shocker keykey um... ask you to help with the curve ball and nothing uh... ask you to stop letting people switch to gai co again nothing ask you shut down that christian ladies market and you gave her a leg cramp i say fuck you shocker keykey i do it myself i made the the older audience members liked it more i'm just gonna just gonna throw that out there. Major League nailed it.

He has AIDS now, so when you think about it, the whole movie has a much darker twist. What's darker thing? Didn't need glasses. Needed a condom. Okay, my dear, my dear. My dearest chakra, Kiki. I saw you in tour in Denver in 1993 and you guys rocked the

house down would you mind helping me make opening arguments get a few less views this month by killing a third of the listeners love David small David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small.

David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small.

David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small.

David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. David Small. Expelled oh hell yeah live from the UK This is gonna be our live show at QED so if you aren't planning to be there I'm gonna do as much visual stuff as possible little preview There may be some of the core you just don't know a little bit of this But the movie the movie it appears to be like a The preview for this film is Ben Stein talking about how awesome this movie is It's like the beginning of a Kirk Cameron movie. Yeah, yeah

He gets kicked out of class by like a stuffy atheist evolutionist and then he's sitting outside the principal's office and the kids like Hey, man. Did you make a movie that totally proves God exists? And he's like, yeah, I did. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, and now, now. Here's me losing an argument to Richard Dawkins. BAM, BAM, BAM, and now. We talked to a crazy Christian. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, and now. Scientists didn't convince me in a single conversation that the universe starts in a place that is beyond basic comprehension

It's pretty great Yeah, a lot of fun So with all that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 61 and we'll merciful glows once again Huge thanks to all the patreon donors that helped make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by living as a five star review

on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheists and the Skeptocrat, available on iTunes, Stitchers, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godawfulmovie.segmail.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, write, and Eli Bosnick, I'm an Olufshens promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. You've got to be bad, you've got to be bad, you've got to be bad, you've got to be bad,

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