God Awful Movies - 63: GAM063 I'm Not Ashamed

Episode Date: November 1, 2016

This week, Eli and Noah team up with writer, comedian, improv artist, and guest masochist Keisha Zollar for an atheist review of "I'm Not Ashamed"; a film about how it's okay to exploit the deaths of thirteen people in a tragic school shooting, as long as you're doing it for Jesus. If you'd like to hear/see more of Keisha, you can find her website here: http://www.keishazollar.com/ If you'd like to keep up with her on Twitter, you'll find her here: https://twitter.com/keishaz Special thanks to Morgan Clarke for some background music in this week's show. If you'd like to hear him do music for realsies, you can find him here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

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Answer the question. God awful! Movie! Movie! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we're all terrified of what Eli would do if he didn't have this outlet. I'm your host, Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left is an empty chair because heaths are recovering from a pretty nasty cold, but sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig Eli.

How are you this fine evening, sir? Well, I'm glad you asked. I have a 90 minute monologue of wake. I probably said, drama club for me. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is a movie waiting to happen we don't want to give it away for free now

uh... start start jotting that down for the screen treatment and of course making her triumphant and long overdue return to the game cast is comedian sketch actor writer and special guest masochist kisha zollard kisha welcome back to got off

of movies thank you for having me thanks for torturing me this week. Oh, you bet. We figured it had been exactly 60 episodes. That's enough time to recover from war room. And we figured we would give you a much, much worse movie this time.

Well, it's like I wanted to get the tattoo white people problems on my inner thigh. And then cut it off. Yeah. And that's the movie, not Columbine. Let me just get that straight. A hundred percent, 99.98% of this movie is, do you know how hard it is to be upper middle class, white and in drama club? It's it's apparently pretty rough.

So it's really about the trials and tribulations of drama club. And primarily, yes, those are the stakes of this film. So just for technicality, say, Gila, tell us what are we going to be breaking down today? I'm not ashamed. It's the story of how hard it is to be upper middle class in Christian, how totally awesome this high school girl was to like everybody. And then she got shot in the face by Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins. And I believe Darwin was involved as well. And Kisha, tell me how bad was this movie? It's it's the kind of bad where I think I blocked all the teenage white people I've ever met

For fear that they'll contact me with their problems and I don't want it. No, thank you Keisha's tutoring who she won't talk to anymore Yeah, I mean listen there's a glass ceiling of pity I have. And you're a woman and a person of color. It's like, ah, the threshold for tolerance of that shit. I don't know. I guess I'm still waiting for, I don't know, uh, any movie where black men get shot and we make it about Christ, I don't know.

Yes. That's the next one. That's the next one. Yeah, we'll find one for you. I'm sure. But for whatever it's worth, I'm a white man and also didn't give a lick of fuck about anybody's problems in this goddamn movie. So it's at least it's it, it's cross-racial here.

Well, as someone who grew up upper middle class and was in drama club, this movie spoke to me. So, for somebody who got bullied a lot and thought about shooting up his school and occasionally spoke to me, but we'll get there, we'll get there. And I feel like, while we're on the subject, I feel like this is bad, like for a movie

exploiting the Columbine massacre. Like, I feel like this is bad. Like for a movie exploiting the Columbine massacre. Like I feel like you could make 10 other movies exploiting that same tragedy, and this would probably still be the worst one. Yes, absolutely. This is bad at the thing it's trying to do. It's trying to be like, oh, look at this tragedy. Don't you want some Jesus with your sad?

But instead, it's just like 98% of what they cut from mean girls and at the end they were like, oh, fuck, we gotta shoot these kids. We had to shoot six minutes of film left. We gotta shoot one of these kids. This is on me. I planned the shooting schedule wrong. My baby.

We didn't need that fourth prom conversation. But prom's the most important thing in your life ever. Man, I mean, I'm in my 30s and prom is still the most important thing in my life. It's where you peaked. Well, to be fair, you didn't get shot at 17 either. Yeah, well, if you didn't peak at 17, I just don't know who the fuck you are. Nord does this film. And now is there anything that you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Oh, can I go with best worst knowing that the tragedy is unrelated to your message. This movie is the equivalent of pointing out that some of the people love potato pancakes in the Holocaust. Therefore, Hitler hated potatoes Irish pride. That's the movie. Yeah, and I guess the best worst thing for me is in this movie, and we'll get to this moment, you got a standing ovation for shit. That's the part

of the character with my MFA, my master of fine fucking arts. I feel like I was slapped in the face for the play within the movie. That was garbage. I give the play alone in F minus. Yeah, the movie had some bad shit around that, but I thought the only time the lead actress worked is when she was trying to play the bad actress for the school audition. I was going to go with best worse knowing who the main character was. Like, honestly, was there anyone in this movie who story you cared less about than Rachel's? Nope, not possible. Like at one point, we panned the cafeteria.

There was a kid juggling wall nuts, and I'm like, let's find out what he does. Let's follow him around. See what else he's gonna manipulate in a cool way today. He has a skill at least. Something, he's bringing something to the screen. Anyone but this girl. All right, well, I would say the very worst thing about this movie

Is that it forced me to sit in a theater for an hour and a half looking forward to a kid dying in a school shooting so I could go home So I'm gonna try not to inflict that same thing on our audience So we'll keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dive into all the interstitial in action of I'm not ashamed Okay guys, so our sponsor this week is blue Apron, so we thought we'd spice things up a little, see what I did there, with a little cooking contest. Now for our listeners who don't know, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals for less than $10 a meal. Now Heath, even before they were a sponsor of this show, you were a Blue Apron customer,

is that correct? Yes, that's true indeed. And Eli Eli you made the claim that you could do anything that blue apron could without needing their service. Absolutely Noah. Alright well let's take a look you were both challenged to make three of the meals available in November. Pan-seared chicken with roasted fall vegetables and butter capers sauce, spicy lotus root and purple carrot stir fry with sweet potato noodles, and lemongrass roasted pork with Romanesco cauliflower and coconut rice. So let's start with a chicken. How was it, Heath? Well, each meal comes with a step-by-step

easy-to-follow recipe card, pre-portioned ingredients, and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. So it was a breeze. And Eli, how'd it go for you? Well, no, I googled how long to cook a chicken for 45 minutes. Then about the wrong kind of chicken from the YouTube video I watched, a burned it, a burned it. Then I burned the vegetables. I thought Kaper means mystery, so I had no idea what that was. And I stopped. All right, then.

All right, let's move on to something a bit more exotic. Heath, how did your spicy lotus root and purple carrot stir fry with sweet potato noodles work out? Amazing. Because blue apron works with over 150 local farms, fisheries and ranchers across the United States, my ingredients were fresh, tasty, and sustainable. Fantastic results. And Eli? Okay, so for the Lotus Root, I wrote you a note

on this napkin saying, Lotus Root isn't real, you're racist. I saw that. I did paint some carrots purple, but they caught on fire. Why would I put them in the pan? And again, there was a lot of fire from the chicken earlier.

And then you can see, my sweet potato noodles, you can see how those worked out. They're not even noodle shaped. That's right, no, not even noodle shaped. Turns out potato is hard to form into a noodle. Yeah, yeah. And finally, how was the lemon grass roasted pork

with Roman Esco cauliflower and coconut rice? Really, really great. This was genuinely a ton of fun to cook. Don't do this. No, no, no. Really? And Eli, I ordered a pizza. And how much did that cost you?

In 22.95 and I imagine whatever legal fees I accrued by answering the door naked. It saw a lot more than $10 a meal. Yeah. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueaprin.com slash scathing. That's blueaprin.com slash scathing. You'll love how good it feels and taste to create incredible home cook meals with blue aprons.

So don't wait. That's blueaprin.com slash scat scathing blue apron a better way to cook my clothes burned off while I was putting out the chicken that's not the first time you told me that yeah but this time it was true why would you make it up the first time it's we wanted you to like me it's a story. It's just a really weird story to make up. I'm just saying I Do a lot. Don't you know where it's always? We're charging blue apron for that part too by the way Whole thing. Oh, they got man. You like it nowhere. So hold us

Well, let he's eat at it that just so he can cut that out. Hey guys! Kisha! Thank you so much for meeting with me. Really excited to work with Pure Flicks. Oh, Matt, we are so excited to work with you! Oh, this is great. So the movie is called 1,134 and it's about the 1,134 black men killed by the police in 2015. It's it's a story of Guy guys don't move guys guys guys. I can see you

Do you think, do you think my vision is based on your movement? Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, and broken windows police scene godless america let all of those people to Jesus hey why didn't you say so yeah yeah so uh so uh who got shot now to shack make it I love shack oh love shack white people and we're back for the breakdown and before this thing even gets started it warns us that this movie is based on the least interesting thing ever written white girl high school journals. This is my go to example of thing that I would not want to read so don't say you weren't warned. And in case you were doubting how awful this movie was going to be, we basically start this thing out with the footage, the actual security cam footage of these terrorized high school kids. So we're going to start at the very fucking bottom. Yeah.

We're going to start by exploiting the actual footage of the Columbine massacre, like no dignity, no respect. We're just going to start out with the scary footage and the black and white footage of the cafeteria. And then it ends with the newscaster going, why did they do it? And I wrote as a joke in my notes, evolution probably, because last week's movie Ben Sein in his crazy documentary was like, evolution made Hitler do the Hitler things. And I was like, haha I have a funny joke for our audience. We all laugh with much merriment

The joke I wrote in my notes will later come true. That's how terrible this movie is 30 seconds in and my joke comes in reality reality. It was it was painful. Early and often and so it now we're going to meet our hero Rachel who is our hero by god damn default and we're going to meet her at age eight drawing on her dresser because apparently this 17 year old girl never did any interesting things. And we have to fill a movie with her. So we're going to start with her drawing on her dresser Yeah, and I had hoped that she would at least like be inspired by street art a little bit No, she's tagging it. Yeah, I wanted to see like tags. I don't know draw a mustache on some stuff But she drew her stupid hand on the back of the dresser Which is like I was like, make it into a turkey, at least that's interesting. You couldn't even make it into like a turkey. It was just like,

whoa, I exist. Which is like, that's great. Good for you, eight-year-old. I also thought to myself, your parents must buy you really cheap furniture, because my parents would be pissed if I drew on a dress. Right. But the first thing in my notes is crayons do not belong on dressers, you uncouth heaven. Yeah.

And like, I mean, that just started off wrong because I was like, okay, you kind of get to do whatever you want, drawing wherever you want. She was a black little girl. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Already I have no sympathy for this kid. The black version of this movie is just an entire thing of her getting yelled at for drawing on the dresser. Listen, it'd be a better morality tale. It actually would. It actually would. It would teach a real lesson. And it would be more entertaining. Yeah, exactly. And then, of course, we get like a dad leaving home so we can establish that she's got real problems,

y'all. Real white girl problems. So she comes from a broken home, dad left late one night, and her sister is like standing next to her going like, don't worry, Rach, this will be completely insignificant to the plot. You'll have a stop dad later who we won't even introduce. Who will just appear magically and Eli will have to figure out later on in his notes is the step dad. Yeah, and of course, so we get the like we're poor now, seeing like moms doing the bills except for they're not poor, they're just like lower middle class. At this point, you know, like, like the older daughter can't afford car insurance for her

car that she also has in addition to mom's car. Yeah. I'm having a lot of trouble with the, oh, you're so poor. How did you handle it? Also white people problems. You have a car, you have kids. They were a significant like I just got there were how many kids were there. It seemed like every scene there was a new kid. And they just kept popping up. Yeah and I just kept thinking if this was a black

family being portrayed with all these kids being lower middle class, it'd be like these people need to get some jobs. And we didn't have none of that because they get to have cars and be all white and have their problems. And not just that, but they're like lower middle class and their solution is to stand in a circle and pray for total fucking bullshit. They don't stand around and be like, gee, I hope we can put photo in the table. They're like, I want gas money and car insurance and a new lens. And a new floor.

Literally, it's just like, and you want, I wanted so badly for us to flash cut over to some starving family in Calcutta being like, I would like the rape devils not to come back to our village tonight. Yeah, but like in the 90s, we didn't care about them, you know? Like pray for abundance. That's what we were like all about. Like, I'm still horrified that when she was like praying for car insurance I was like on the scope of things. If I'm taking a step over here and judging your Christianity for a second I don't know, won't you pray for your dad to come back

perspective. Yeah I feel like you're not going to the root here. Yeah, practical stuff. Yeah, it really needs to crack down. She's like one of those ladies who has to watch other people who shop with EBT and be like, oh, see, if I was praying for EBT, I would pray for bread and milk. Also, this is where we cut to the like sassy shopping at Goodwill montage So like we learned that Rachel's great because she made the best of not poverty by wearing hat This is such a rich people's version of a being poor montage. Oh my god second-hand clothes Store-bought chicken wings and that's the whole like her at eight that we got. She drew on a

dresser and they didn't have quite enough money for the teenage daughter to have car insurance, whatever. And now it's suddenly 1998 because we had to watch those scenes. We were already in the theater. And we meet Rachel, which you realize is that she didn't get into the school play. Right. And she is thin, very attractive, and popular, and the first thing that comes out of her fucking faces, boys will never think of me that way. And I was like, I'm sorry, actress, this playing Rachel, I am literally experiencing evidence otherwise. I wanted so badly for her to get side tackled by some actually fat person just like, oh, there is a horrible ritual, is it fucking hard?

And then the movie just follows that fat person for the rest of the thing. I mean, I also had that moment where she's complaining and there were people who actually had problems. At no point did she go, I should really listen to other people's perspectives that are right here. Nope. Right. And this movie did not need to surround her with people that had more significant problems

with her. They chose to do that. Yeah. Yeah, which also it really undermined any journey from a structural plot point that This movie could succeed because I'm rooting for the other people. I was rooting for every other character I was like come on black football player who's new to this school get it together who's new to this school, get it together. Yeah, this movie is like if Sophie's choice had been mostly about her neighbor who was doing just fine.

Right, right. Right. How are you doing, Alison? Pretty good. Pretty good. I mean, it's tough out there. Yeah, I have to choose which kid I want to live. Right.

I have a chemistry test. So like, I get it. Even. You are I get it. Even we are even sisters. Well, and I also love this is where she's like, she's turned into a friend going like, you know, but how in the world will I ever make the guy that I like noticed me and I'm like, you have boobs, but and I so wanted like a friend to pull out a zucchini

like starting demonstrating oral or something, but no, not in this fucking movie. Instead, like her suggestion is that they're gonna sneak out and go partying with the boys and smoke cigarettes and drink alcohols. Yeah. That was their solution to everything. Drink the generic alcohol. It was also, I was hoping her most interesting friend and I say interesting because she had blonde hair with like highlights of purple Little purple, like the purple in area felt like the rebellious kid in high school who was her belly because she's like I don't have real problems but look at my hair and I have real problems, but look at my hair. And I feel like it kind of satisfied that. I wanted that that friend to be a little more badass, but her hair was just blonde and a pixie cut.

Yeah, and that was that was supposed to be enough, I guess. Yeah. Which you have to understand, in Christian cinema is a visible labia piercing in Christian cinema There are several people who walked out of the movie when they saw that pixie cut People fainted on the main floor of pure flick cinema. This is brave filmmaking Yeah, you know, you're right 50 short pixie cuts aren't appropriate unless you're 55 years old in the Christian community And want to talk to a manager. Yeah Thank you. We want to talk to a manager and you're with your husband who you haven't slept with in six years like that

It's not as birthday. It's not well. It hasn't been as birthday for six years and you're not And you're not ashamed And you're not ashamed. So yeah, they're at this like high school party dare risk behaviors like weird beginning of stranger things like high school party and we meet the popular boy who she wants to like like her and look everyone in this movie is at least 30 and gorgeous. Yeah. God really great looking except for this character. Alex.

Yes. Yes, this guy. Alex, who is probably in his like early 20s and looks all it'll like me. He looks like me with acne and he's just lost in this sea of gorgeous adults. He's two feet shorter than all of them and yet throughout it everyone's like oh man Alex what a dreamboat and you keep flashing to him like eating a meatball sub by himself being like oh we're just for everybody. My notes are filled with no one has ever wanted to fuck this guy.

Yeah, I know I am that guy. Well, and I just wanted to say as the woman on the show, maybe you just don't get how theater club works. That girls in theater club just want to keep shooting lower and lower and lower. They're gonna be actresses one day. shooting lower and lower and lower. They're gonna be actresses one day. So they have to learn how to manage expectation early in theater class. So just shoot real low and it can only go up from there. That's it.

I was in drama club in high school and I can say that the major advantage was everyone else being gay really helped really help the game. I too was in drama club. Unfortunately, the girls never got quite desperate enough. Also, this is the first of three goddamn times that we are going to go. They go to Shakespeare here and I have the biggest air quotes I can manage when I say this because this is the worst possible Shakespeare quoting you can do without accidentally quoting biggie instead or something. Oh my God, they literally three times in this movie and we'll revisit it each time they go all the world's a stage and then she goes and men and women are players and he's like sure players play their and then they enter an exit or something something yeah

we'd and also it's such an inappropriate quote like it's it's a deeply tragic moment in Macbeth so for them to be quoting it so casually they act like it's the beginning of a comedy it's like hello welcome to the comedy of Macbeth here Here you'll find men women. They're all in the play. It's going to be grand fun. But of course his response to this is, and I quote, you're like deep. Are you spiritual? This is the first time I wrote someone's school shoot this bitch already in my nose and it is not the last. Take out all the kids. I'm never rooted for a school shooting hard. The last time someone was more excited for a mass shooting in a theater it was in Aurora. Oh god. I was ready for that kid. By the end of this movie I was like if somebody doesn't come through here as dressed as a goddamn

Joker and shoot me I am not getting my money's worth out of this. Also, she has the, there's the stupidest, I know it's a little thing, but I have to touch it. She's like, I'm sorry, I can't be fake the way my friends are. Look, what? What a bitchy thing to say. And that's the moment I, in the movie, I realized I was like, oh, you're alone because everyone hates you. Yeah, right. I hate the movie I realized I was like, oh, you're alone because everyone hates you.

Yeah, right. I hate you. You're right. I get it. It's girl hate. We hate you. Yeah. And by the end of it, the entire audience could hate along

with them. And so, yeah, so she hangs out with them. And again, in every, almost everything in this movie, everyone but her is smoking and drinking. So this is like the movie based on what her mom swears is true. So now we get like the nights over, she's sneaking back into her window and wouldn't you know what mom catches her snake and end. I mean, first off, she shouldn't be alive because they were drinking full bottles of vodka.

No, right? She would be dead of alcohol poisoning. She is six pounds. Yeah. Like, no, I can't keep up with that shit. So she should have fallen over as she entered. Like, it should have been a comical pratfall, some a little bit of humor. She vomits and shits herself. Yeah. And the mom's lying to when she comes in, she goes, I prayed over pillows tonight. And I'm like, and yet you got the exact same results.

What does that tell you, Ma? What does that tell you? Well, that also brings up the question. Did the mom not notice that the daughter was gone until the prayer was done? Was she like, dear Jesus, man, you are squishy tonight, Rachel, cut down the tables.

She also says one of my favorite things in the universe here. I'm gonna use it forever. She looks at her daughter and she goes, are you buzzing? I mean, it was the 90s. Everyone was buzzing hard. That's true. That is true.

That we did buzz back then. As before, all the bees were killed off Eli you wouldn't remember that. Oh, I killed them with my cell phone. Yeah, exactly exactly now The gist of this scene though is that Rachel is now grounded for the entire rest of the year until she goes to the farm to hang out with Jesus and all her little Jesus cousins in the middle of Louisiana. Yeah. Oh God So and this is so fucking weird like like just from a filmmaking perspective, right? Because now we're gonna get this long scene where she goes to the farm in Louisiana and hang out with her cousins.

We're gonna spend eight or nine minutes with her getting indoctrinated here and then we will never see any of these characters or refer back to them ever again. Absolutely not. But, here's what's amazing. So she's like, we open on this scene and she doesn't like Louisiana because it's a terrible state and I can understand that. It's horrible, but then when her cousin comes in and is like, Hey, Rage, why don't you want to hang out with us? She's like, you wouldn't understand. My family's destroyed because my parents are to my parents. My parents are too forced. That's why I can't be happy. My parents are, my parents are, my parents are divorced, okay?

That's why I can't be happy. There has been no indication of this, but all of a sudden about a third of the way in, the movie's just like, yeah, she's unhappy because of her parents' divorce and because you can't ever be happy again. So many times in this movie, I just wrote, why are all these words consecutive? She says like she says to her her cousin she goes you wouldn't understand your family's perfect and the cousin goes

They are not and she goes sorry. I'm sorry I said that looks. Why are you sorry for that? This is the big fucking issue This is the wedge between you and your cousin is the perfection you claimed of her family But then even before she gets into action, there's this crazy moment where she goes Well, have you tried being super Jesusy? And it's like yeah, it's not for me. She goes no no no Have you tried like doubling the fuck down? Look me look at me Rachel. Have you tried doubling the fuck? Well to be clear this is also a woman who had practically every part of her body covered. So what's not to be jealous?

Like I first thing I noticed when Ken's and came on screen I was like, oh You are wearing a sack. You were wearing a sack. You're 90 pounds wearing a sack. Yep. You're damn near Berkard. The Berkars were in in the 90s, right? I don't know how much fashion. No, that's a Muslim word in Christian cinema. Well, we call it a monastery. Oh, right, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's a completely different thing. Totally different thing. And this is so hard for me not to see like how do they not in their movie recognize that what we're seeing is a confused child being preyed upon by a cult. Yeah, and it's they have happy music, but this is so clearly indoctrination. If there was a montage of happy music as like she got abused by a teacher and then she wrote in her diary about how much she

was in love with them, we wouldn't be like, oh no, it's the whole thing, the fear and the fear and the fear and the fear. But because this is like an acceptable way to abuse your kids were just like, Hey, look at her jumping alike. Right. Right. So yeah, she takes Jesus into her vagina or however it works. I don't know how it works for girls. It's a butt thing.

It's a butt thing for everybody. Okay, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure. I know that's what the priest told me. Yeah, it's non-gendered. It's non-gendered. Oh nice. I'll be super good at getting into Jesus when the time comes, guys. I'm just saying. I'll sit straight down on the Lord. There's a Jesus-sized hole in your ass, yeah, exactly. And of course,

this is where Aunt Jesus gives her the journal, and I will never forgive Aunt Jesus for this gift. If it wasn't for Aunt Jesus, we wouldn't have this God damn movie. But now we're done with these characters, wipe them from your memory forever. Yep, they are gone. Yeah, it is now August of 1998, the first day of her fateful junior year at Columbine High School.

Right, and she's nice to the Downs kid because she's a Christian now. Yeah, exactly. And Atheus would never be nice to the Down kid because she's a Christian. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And Atheist would never be nice to the downs. Otherwise, she would have last year, she would have stabbed him in his fucking heart. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, everybody knows you only have a pity if you're a Christian. I mean that's the act of emotions she was actually accessing. Can we point out they use this kid as a fucking prop. He doesn't have a person, they don't develop his character.

We don't learn anything about him. He's simply a prop for the quote unquote good characters in this movie to walk over to and be like, Oh my god, can you believe I'm talking to you? Like look at me. Talkin' right. And he's like, do you want to know anything about me and he and they're like no we're done now and cut great get it away Ewww It was so able I had that moment of like oh they could have made like a like a Puppet like a giant

And it's been like you know this is just as good as the stand-in Like my heart goes out to that actor because Dear dear god no one deserved to be in a movie this shit. No kidding. No No one deserves to play a human puppy in this movie Exactly No one deserves to play a human puppy in this movie. Yes, that's right. Exactly. So listen, Austin, we're super excited to have you in the film, but they want us to know if in between takes, they could put you in a crate.

How do you feel about that? Oh, God. You okay with that? It's already in your writer, so just like deal. Oh. Oh. Oh. And now we get to meet KJ, the black character.

This is 50% of the time we will see him so so good. Yeah, we'll meet him for a brief second. And then we get, because in the background of this movie, there are actually interesting characters, right? Because we have the school shooters in this movie. So we get this scene of them getting bullied by the Jocks. And this movie could make a really important statement about bullying at this point, but it really kind of does,

and it really kind of just goes like, oh, that little asshole probably deserves it, huh? Cause he's gonna shoot everybody later. And also, the bullying is so unrealistic and insane. It's like, they set up a Rube Goldberg machine with him at the beginning of it. Like a dog barks and it sets off a candle which goes up his ass. It's just totally insane. You know, they, they cover a whole way with baby oil and throw him down it.

And that's it. That was the whole plan. And, and my favorite part is, where's the janitor? Let's bring the janitor who has to clean up baby oil on linoleum. That's like you could just if they had just left that out that would have done as much damage as any school shooting. It's linolelem and baby oil. And then on top of that, when they, like, I also couldn't have think, I was like, this is a nice enough school that a teacher should do a job. Like not a single teacher did a fucking job. They were just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no like no, I don't hear it. Well, I will say like that was my high school experience that teachers basically ignored

the bullying because the attitude at least when I was in high school, which was right about this time a little before, the attitude at least at my high school was, oh yeah, they got their kids need to man up anyway, they need to learn to stand up for themselves. So they need a little bullying. I thought that might have been the most realistic thing in this movie, the way the teachers and administrators completely ignored the bullying. Oh, no, they yielded me all the time when I was a bully. It was rough. I went to private school. So I was the black kid.

No, I see. They carried her around on a pal in Quinn. I bet. I'm fine, guys. I can walk. No, palinquin. Ha ha ha. I bet. I'm fine, guys. I can walk. No, no, no. We got ya. We have to make sure you're in all the pictures.

Well, and I was in all the school materials. I was in all the school materials. Yeah, I'm right. I'm right exactly. Guys, I'm not in the chess club. Yeah, but just getting the picture. Just getting there. Come on.

Ha ha ha. And then we get the scene that just completely because I was expecting awful, I didn't think this movie would be more awful than I was expecting, but now we get this random fucking scene where we learn that the true culprit in the Columbine shooting was Charles Darwin. There's literally an entire scene where the history teacher is just explaining that Hitler was inspired by Darwin and Dylan and Eric are just like Hitchhunter great idea Darwin and I want to point out

But because we didn't manage we didn't mention this when we were doing the the stupid Ben Stein movie last week I want to point out that like on the origin of species was one of the many books that the Nazis burned you know and banned so like not uh but still yeah yeah this is this is and that's there is absolutely no other purpose for this scene it's just like he says just the history's teacher standing out there saying Darwin inspired Hitler to go kill people. Now we'll have the next scene. But if he had at least used, I don't know what they call a smart word like eugenics, it would have at least elevated that moment of conversation to, okay, that's at least a almost a thread, not a significant one, but like...

Right, but at least we would have felt like they were trying. Yeah, it was like a wink and a nod to people who believe in evolution that like, we know you, we see what you're doing, you are Columbine. You're right. Exactly. Take your lumps, guys, it's all your fault. we know you we see what you're doing you are going by uh... exactly take your looms guys it's all your fault and now we get her uh... meeting with the dorky asian kid because apparently

her thing in high school was to hang out in the little spot where all the smokers smoke cigarettes and not smoke cigarettes her mom swears yeah so so she's just sitting back there in this Asian kid smoking and she goes like, basically, this is the line she goes, you ever feel like you're going to get school shooting to death this year and the Asian kids like, nope. And they're like, okay, well, that's a scene. Really?

That is it. And that is one of the many times she will turn to another character and be like, do you ever feel like you're going to die? And they're like, no, man, you're weird. And she's like foreshadowing for what? Nothing. This is a movie. I also realized that like it was edgy to have all those actors smoke but then I had that moment

I was like uh it feels like a stereotypical thing. Having the only Asian character be a chain smoker. And then I felt a little better when I just realized everybody smoked. Where was this place on campus that they let that many people smoke? Right. Somewhere was smelly, like some teacher, uh, apparently was sitting in their classroom and like, I don't give a fuck. Like smoke. Like, why did anybody just light up a dooby at that rate? Apparently was sitting in their classroom and like I don't give a fuck

Smoke like why did anybody just light up a dooby at that rate? It's like if I'm gonna smoke and they ain't saying that then might as well smoke some weed Also the school had no drug dealers come on Not that we saw believe me. I was looking for drugs by the end of this fucking movie I know it's trying to buy drugs from the movie. Hey, can I at least get a draw off your cigarette, man? But yeah, now I thought the same thing when we first saw the Asian kid, but as it turns out, every single person in this movie, except for her, is a smoker. It's fucking amazing.

And so now we have to go to advanced drama where her crush will be. And this is the part where like she's drawing and the teachers like, hey, that's a nice drawing, but this is an art class as just so that her crush can be like, actually, drama is an art. And I'm like, fuck you, dude, you know what she meant. Well, but what's insane is the teacher goes, good point, Alex. You're the teacher now. Like what the private. I like to think is I was like, does she want to like hook up with Alex too? She was about it. She was like, you're right. Here's my number. Call me. But the real key thing

in this scene, of course, is that in drama class, apparently, they partner up the juniors with senior mentors and guess who her mentor is, squeeeeee. And hey, if you don't care about this part of the plot, neither did we, but this is the plot, and the point of this show is where we describe the plot of the movie. So fuck you for making this watch. How you feel about that?

Yeah. You don't care about who her mentor is neither did we but I was in the theater alone At 42nd Street trying to listen through the wall to the people who are listening to Tyler Perry's boo. That's sounded funny So bad this movie is you as jealous of the Tyler Perry audience holy shit Yeah, I at least thought, I was like, I don't know, at least it's a room full of black people having fun. Like, Oh, for fuck's sake.

So now we're gonna go to Shep's party because again, like every third scene in this movie is a kid party. And of course, once again, everyone is smoking and drinking and this is the first time I realize this about this character. Eventually it becomes unavoidable. But in each consecutive scene, everyone is smoking and drinking. And this is the first time I realized this about this character. Eventually it becomes unavoidable. But in each consecutive scene, she is wearing an even goofy or hat.

Like that's part of her thing or whatever. By the end of it, it's literally beanie, copter, beer helmet, and scuba mask. I have a theory about this hat thing. I think it's this. The white people in this movie looks so similar that they had to put an identifying hat on one of them just so that your eyes could fall. That is how I found this character in every scene. I'd be like,

she's the one with the hat. There she is. Found her. It's the world's easiest game of Warrzwoldo and it is the only reason I would have spotted her in any of the scenes in this movie. Right. And now we have to dig into this character, um, uh, uh, Celine, the slutty friend who's off getting AIDS at the party with the pixie cut. Flutty as in she like tongue kisses. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. Exactly. A guy. And basically, Rachel runs up to her and she's like, Celine, be careful, if you see a dick, you'll die. I mean, it is true.

I'm undead. I've seen so many dicks. So many, I'm sorry about that, by the way. You texted me what time of recording and I sort of got like a vibe off of that and sent you 175 pictures of other people's dicks. Yeah, I mean, but by the end, it was like beautiful noise of cop. So it was.

Thank you. Yeah, that's the thing about it. You have to wait through the, through the dick pics. Eventually they get good. So and then of course she goes off to talk to her crush Alex and just when she thinks things are going good, more cleavagey girl shows up and he ignores her. So you know, problems. Yeah. And then we cut to like, then we go back to her house and we get stepdad getting home. Yes, there's a stepdad. Keep up. Yeah. And literally this scene only exists for her younger brothers who

have aged and are now different actors and multiplied and a lady twins to turn the stepdads like, Hey, you kids and the kids just like, you're not my real dad. And then you're just like, good, good. Yeah. Well, and also she has to ask if she can have his spare car. Again, remember how poor we are? She's sucks to be poor. Can I have your spare car? Yeah, I also appreciated how little we saw of this poor dad who married into 15 kids in counting.

Right. And like, just like had no idea of like, oh, you want my car now? Fuck you. And then I like got upset because I was like, oh, this is the moment you're like flirting with your stepdad. You're wrong.

That is how the scene plays. She doesn't have a moment where she's like, mmm, and it's like this is not how one talks to their stepdad. Yeah where she's like, mmmm, and it's like, this is not how one talks to their stepdad. Yeah, she was like giving dough eyes and like grabbing him and being like, I wanna smile. Give me that smile.

Like, she was like, it just felt a little too flirty. Yeah, she climbs halfway into his lap at one point in this scene, yeah. Yeah, she's like, come on, smile over my face. It's just a little of my chest too, little of my chest. And you can see the other actor is uncomfortable. Like you can actually see the adult actor is like, I thought I played her death, but I, gonna be honest, I only got one page in this script,

so I didn't view the whole thing. I said yes way too quick. It's hard to get them Christian movies like I like. Everyone in this movie had that thought at some fucking point. So yes, so she wants the car, he won't give her the car, and then we cut to her writing in her journal. And then just to remind you again that there are more interesting people in this movie, we also cut to like evil killer kid reading about social. I tribes volume one. Oh yeah. He's reading mine comp for right?

I think or he's reading something about social Darwinism or on the origin of species and he's just drawn little swastikas on it. I don't know. I mean, it was just so many swastikas that I was like the movie at that point punched me in the face with like it's like Hitler get it. Nazi, Nazi, Nazi. Oh, in your theater did someone come around and pass out swastika cookies every time those kids appear on screen? Does that mean that in mine?

Oh, they just drank every time. And then of course we've got to go to the coffee shop so that we can see that she works too, you know, that's like another boring thing that teenage white girls do. So let's want to do that. And she works at a coffee shop and when we meet her, her boss is telling her to go shew off the homeless lady that just came in. I want to talk about this homeless lady's costume. Oh, please.

Homeless lady is wearing a slightly less realistic chimney sweep costume than I was in at the live show at Q&D. She has smudges of soot and like weird cloth gloves unexpected when she walked over to be like, hey, you can't stay here for to be like, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, eck, Oh, gavna! Lins of cartoon penguins to pop up from under the table.

Oh, let us stay! We were about that close. I also had that thought of... She had... Maybe I glidded in New York too long. But I was like, where's your shit? You're homeless! Yeah, right!

Ring your shit inside! That's irresponsible! Where's your giant card of plastic bags? I was like, that's irresponsible. So, you're shit. Also while we're having a, I've lived in New York too long talk, did anyone but me have the moment where like the other one walked over to her and I've seen homeless people who look like that woman's costume and when you walk over and offer them food, it's never good.

They like reaching their pants, they pull out a handful of shit, they smear it on the wall and they start yelling about Hillary Clinton's email. This is not, they don't just go like, oh, I would love a coffee in a pastry. Thank you so much. I've been doing that for a decade. That never ends. Well, I stopped doing that after six months. I've also seen that happen on a train.

And my favorite moment that I've ever seen it happen, someone went up to a person and they started acting a fool and then a social worker walked over and was like, I'm a social worker, I can help. I saw the act drop and I was like, that woman needs to get her ass to Broadway because that was the best goddamn performance I've ever had. So, just know you don't know.

I mean, all the world is stained. Oh, shit. Oh, you're welcome. Full circle. Nail, man. We have a strong anti-homeless message on this show. We really try to keep it up. So, and of course, again, moral of the story of this scene,

she goes to shoot the homeless lady off. Another nice lady comes and buys her coffee so she can stay. And I guess we're just as supposed to assume that the lady who bought the coffee was a Christian because that teaches Rachel that she should always be Christian. Not that she should always be good to people, but that she should always be Christian. And we learn that from the over the voiceover. Yeah. It's like, I need to be more Christian and that woman's like, so my name's Zelda Rosenberg.

Can I get you a coffee? More Christian. And now we're going to meet one of the most bizarre characters in this in this film. We're going to meet friendly bum Nate. So we cut to Bible study or whatever. And there's this guy who's all tattooed up and shit doesn't look like he belongs there. And Rachel sees him stealing pizza, like putting pizza in his back back. So she goes to introduce herself and he like takes off.

Oh, but Nate is a good looking dude. Can we take a moment? I spent much of this movie comforting myself with Nate's pectoral muscles and abs. I'm just saying, if anyone was going to convince me to go into the showers at Doc Howe, it's going to be Nate. Oh, it's you. What? You know what I'm saying?

Hey, maybe he gets in with me. We get soapy. Who knows what happens? Uh, the whole time I was thinking, I cared more about the will they won't they between Nate and Rachel and I was like, come on. Come on. Let's see this movie. It'd be like the Christian version of 50 shades of gray. Oh, or Christian lady in the tramp. version of 50 shades of grey. Oh or Christian lady in the tramp.

I'll take it but but she notices that he steals pizza so she hunts him down like Liam Neeson. Yeah right. I wanted her to appear behind him and snap his neck. That is what the music and the shot was like as she was just gonna slowly lower herself from the ceiling like goddamn splinter cell. Oh, and that's not the first thing I actually was like stalking him, like predator. The first thing I noticed I was like she like crossed over to the other side of the tracks. I was like, oh that's where all the people of color are hiding. And I was like, you lost me. I see you, Rachel. I see you. I know what's going on here. Thanks, pure Flix. I know where I could shoot my movie. You're right. Well, I love to that. She like basically follows this guy down heroin alley. Now, first of all,

I'm willing to bet you can walk around at Columbine, fucking Colorado or wherever the hell this is for a really long time before you find an alley with seven homeless people living in it. But also do you think this is a good message to send to the teenage girls watching that like, hey, if you see a mysterious guy stealing shit, follow him down a dark alley. Yes, especially at ReasonCon. Well, when you're a woman, remember, you're always supposed to follow a good man. That's the good book taught me. So you got to follow. You got to hunt them down no matter where they go.

She confronts them and she's immediately, immediately. She's like, will you be my big brother? And I just wrote in my notes, I am into this. Yes. Yes. You know what's funny? I had a slightly different moment because I saw the, and I'm gonna fix you. And I was like, they're gonna get together.

Cause she's like, what do you want? How can I make you happy? How can I satisfy your needs? Baby, I'm gonna take care of you. Let me suck that dick. And then I woke up from the fantasy and the movie was still going and she bought it in the bag. Yeah.

Unfortunately, yeah. It's a tiny moment, but it's so fantastic. They go to this bodega and he's gonna steal, but he picks the actor picks the largest most unneeded box to try and steal. So he just like barely fits it into his north face jacket. Like you just eight boxes of pop turkeys. Got a carton of man there.

So he's got a grocery card. He's trying to like stuff down his pants. Yeah, clearly this guy's never stolen a thing because she's like, well, what else do you want? Cause she's going to buy it for me gets the chips and I'm like, you can't shop lift a bag of chips. They're too noisy. You dick Anyway, also what is she spending this job money on that she just like dude is this her mo? She's like, I don't know. I follow weird dudes and buy them food It's a fetish, sure. I call it Christianity.

No, let me watch you eat those chips. Tell me I'll stick your mom's feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna pray for you. Oh, yeah, I'm getting down on my feet. It's praying so hard. I need to touch that shoulder. Don't touch me. Oh, tell me how nice I am to that retard.

Tell me how nice I am. Oh, God. So, and of course, she wants him to come to Bible study with her next Wednesday. That will be important, at least in the relative sense of like things in this movie. So then we're going to head back to school uh... so that we can see that her friends her mean girl friends make fun of the

fact check for having poor person close but she's to christian to do something like that and i would even say it's not the fact check it's the first like average size woman right like it's the first that because all I've seen at this point are like 90 pound women who are like God doesn't want me to eat and like you see one girl who's like I don't know I like cheeseburgers and like it's a perspective effect so I'm gonna claim a little bit of body positivity and just

say I don't know she should just eat the leftover girls. I mean, they didn't have much of a personality anyway. She's also the one who is in high school. So when you watch this, which in sort of a meta sense, it is 30 something year old actresses, like being like, look at that fucking 15 year old and you're like, you guys are grown-ups. You guys are grown-ups and this is the best you can do. Yeah, right. Well, and this is also where we get a little bit more deal. Like she throws this line out to her slutty friend.

She goes like, hey, Selene, is there anything I can pray for you about? Because now, Selene is boy crazy and the only reason that you could possibly want to like have sex or have like a four-play is because you're crying out for help from your Christian friends. She's snapping. She's doing that cutting replacement thing where you snap your wrist with a rubber band. Oh, all notices that she's got the rubber band on her wrist. And apparently she's snapping because she saw the walk-in dude's penis.

That's like a stand deep cut. I don't know why, I'm supposed to think, but like she's so scarred by making out with boys at a high school party that she's like this close to cutting. And she's like, hey, can I pray for you about that? And she's like, no, actually, if you could talk to me or be a good friend or alert accounts, can I pray for you about that? And she's like, no, actually, if you could talk to me or be a good friend or a Lerter Council, can I pray for you about it? Right. She gave her her option.

Ha ha ha ha. Eat these chips I bought you. Ha ha ha ha. Well, I pray for you. Yeah, I was like, what do you need? Here's some chips. I'm gonna pray for you. Oh, yeah

And then literally in the background and this is very important in the because this scene is happening in the foreground But in the background we see the Columbine shooters getting bullied again So it's just the scenery of this movie. Yeah, it went an Eric like getting wedges I think that was the scene where I had that moment of oh those poor Columbine Shooters Somebody needs to get them like some help and then I was like all right, but they're kind of Nazis That's what the movie keeps telling me I was like, but they're getting bullied I Believe in I don't know, murder and shit. If I was getting bullied, I wanted, listen,

by the end I was thinking, I don't know, those Columbine shooters are kinda cute. And then I was like, all right, so say the Columbine shooters. So I had an emotional journey with them. Ha ha ha. Yeah, my sympathies were completely misplaced in this fucking movie. Yeah.

Oh, and by the way, just in case you were wondering, it's not just Charles Darwin that drove him to murder. It was also video games. This is also, this is where we cut to them playing a first person shooter at home and going like, um, if, this was a school. These video games sure are making me violent. Me, Cabro, me too. And cut. And I love it.

It's like this literally happened. Like in the writing room for this movie, somebody's like, okay, evolution, video games, not enough Jesus. Is there anything else we could blame the ready availability of guns and unlimited ammunition to children on? No, all right. Well, we're done with this a hear script then. Like they can-

Congratulations. They're going so out of their way to blame everything except guns for the fucking school shooting. We're not- we're never gonna broach that. Yeah, everything except the two sports bags full of guns These kids will do what they used to do the shoe scooting. Yeah is to blame Well, I would even say just I don't know intervention sooner for the horrific Any kind or the cry for help we're gonna get later in this movie we'll get to it But there's such a clear moment where the kids are like hey

We're about to school shoot everybody and the teachers like ah next project. Yeah But instead of again instead of following the interesting plot line It's now time to go to Bible break class to see if Nate the bomb showed up to uh, uh, to Jesus with her like he said he would. I loved this scene. This is the realest scene in the movie. And I love every second of it. So she's like, oh, Nate didn't come.

So she hunts Nate down and gets him to confess like his problems to her. And this is exactly what happens. This is exactly what happens. Kisha, I want you to tell me you have a physics test. So just tell me you have a physics test. I have a physics test. You have a mom's a heroin whore.

I'm homeless and I survive only on like the blood of my enemies that I can, you know, if I can kill them with a ball before they can kill me. But are you okay? Exactly what happens. That is exactly what happens in this movie. He goes on this long monologue about his mom being addicted to heroin and living on the street and like he didn't say anything she goes are you okay and you can see the actor look into the camera like fucking Jim from

the office and you're like this dude no are we all on the same script here it was just it was It was literally the dumbest question. Like, just, I feel like the first draft of this script was like, so what do you want me to do? And then they were like, no, it's too cold, too cold. That's sad. Are you okay? That's friendlier? That's more, by me.

Yeah, I feel like the first draft was you, storytopper. Hahaha. It's advanced physics. I didn't even think that. I just advanced. Yeah. It's a placement. I think it was you, your mom's a whore.

Hahaha. Yeah. That's like a mean thing to say. You shouldn't tell people that. No, but she's a literal whore. Yeah, right. Got the fuck out. Yeah, that's gross. Don't tell me.

Well, and even this movie had to acknowledge what a fucked up thing to say that is, because the actor just storms out. I don't even know if he was supposed to. It was just like, okay, this movie's too stupid. Now I've got to go. But of course all the kids stop him before he can go and they all offer to help him because he's white. I mean, because let's let's be realistic here, right? Let's imagine that they brought a homeless black guy in and he said, yeah, well, you know, my mom's addicted to crack and then I got to do this and I've got him sucking dick for money and whatever and I'm living entirely off the peanuts

I pick out other people's turns or whatever and shit Do you think all the little white kids would go well you can stay at my house? No, they would have shot him for going to his pockets too quickly Yeah, stand your ground Unfuckin real anyway, so and then we get another quick snippet of the the Columbine shooters or whatever and but but forget about all that interesting stuff it's time to meet Rachel meeting the new kid in school whose parents might be getting a divorce. Oh yeah I at least this movie has magical white people who solve problems.

That's the one thing that felt. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, that she was just popping into people's life. I was like, I got all the answers. Because my parents are like divorced. Yeah, now Rachel seems pretty convinced that once you get divorced, you never find love again and you're an empty baron shell Keisha you have some experience with this what's it like being in the third or fourth circle of hell?

Listen You're surrounded by dicks you just see him all the time and you like don't realize you're undead because there's just so many dicks coming at you. I have apologized. Are you in hell or like is this a fuck party filled with dicks? And like you oscillate. I think you just described Eli's heaven. So you know, it's all a matter of perspective. Well, one person's hell is a man who's heaven.

All the world to stay Oh speaking of which that's the next place this movie goes is to butcher some more Shakespeare where she goes to meet with her mentor And now we get a them bonding montage Oh for fuck's sake. Yes the first of like three montages that we get at the two of them Um, and and of course like in this montage we're seeing the two of them get closer and closer, but we also see that bum-nate is now a regular churchgoer. That's important or whatever. Right. And we see, we should point this out because it happens in the movie, but it doesn't matter and nobody should care. Alex is getting her ready to audition for the school play. Yeah. Mm hmm. And then this montage wraps up with the Columbine shooters, uh, talking about

like they're going to naturally select their classmates. It's people who have never heard or know anything about evolution, trying to do evolution catch phrases, I'm gonna make like a fint What but I think if that if that was the story they were trying to tell stay with me If that was the story they were trying to tell I'd be fine with it. Don't show them getting bullied Yeah, and by the way the actual line here that the kid throws out is, we just need to kick natural selection up a few notches. That's the actual guy that I'm lying. And of course, also, hooray, she got the part. So now we're back to Bible study again, because you know, three Bible studies scenes in one movie is just not enough. So this is where we get her and Nate the bum bonding a little more

He she gives him a journal because he got a job and this is a stupid movie Right and he shows her his grandfather's dog tags and there's this great moment where he goes He's my grandfather's dog tags He fought in World War 2 and I wanted him so badly to be like on the German side But he's really hard like Everyone was brave He's got a lot of eagles around our house, but they're not American eagle You can tell Also like talks about the rough child's a lot

the rough child's a lot. Jesus Christ. Also, this is where like Nate starts to like worry about her boyfriend and it's so clearly because Nate wants to fuck her but this movie doesn't acknowledge that. You know, and he's like, well, Rachel, why don't you invite this boyfriend of yours to church and she's like, well, I don't know if you'll hate me when he finds out how Christian I am because that's a thing that happens in our fictional universe that people get hated for being Christian in a country that's 75% Christian. In Colorado. Yeah, right, right. I mean, listen, I just was sad he didn't have his shirt off while he was giving this whole lecture.

Oh, you and me both because every time he moved his arms, one of his pecs would do that delicious little jump thing. And I was just like, hmm, I'll share a journal with you, Nate. Yeah. And then I got very sad because I was like, all her sexual energy was wasted on Alex and her stepdad. Not this delicious Nate guy. All her sexual energy is wasted on me wearing pizza as a face mask and her father The anabosmic story It's about damn time and then we're gonna get her birthday party so that we can see that dad gave her that Acura after all

So you know problems so she takes it out for some everybody's drunk, but me partying. Right. And then we get what I think is actually the hardest part to watch of this movie. We get to watch high schools have a what are we talk? I like having this talk when I've had it with people I'm fucking right. Sure as hell don't want to watch high schoolers have it. Although I will admit bonus points to whoever wrote Alex's dialogue because that like we have an exclusive heart connection. I think that's that's some solid shit right there. Someone's been told that someone was taking notes. Yeah. Well, one of the things I would say is I was like, that's the one excerpt. Every teenager should see just so they can get more and not in the slept shaming

be like I don't know we have a heart connection now. Let's mash them genitals But like part of me was like so all they've done is kissed I doubt he's even touched boob and like I doubt he's even touched boob and like Everybody knows now the what are we conversation is coded for like be my boyfriend And as we've seen before people are like why don't people like me? It's like well Rachel you're a little controlling and off-putting because you can't just let things like I don't know be. Right and I want to say this kid tapped dances around that question like a God damn champ. I was impressed with that. Like you said, that was the only really good writing this movie ever did.

Yeah, a dozen women have had that conversation with me and none of them did it as well as Alex it. If they had told me that we had an exclusive heart connection I would have their names tattooed on my lower back right now. Usually just told me how funny I was. Oh is that tattooed on your lower back? Yeah. Just I'm funny. I'm the great tattoo for you actually. Yeah. Career new. Career new. And then we get a little bit more with Nate the bum, you know, with with like him bringing

more bumps to church. Now basically this is like another mini montage or whatever. And this is and I only bring it up because this is where she asks him to pray for her that she won't drink. Oh my God, they're just writing Creed lyrics back and forth. Oh, for fuck's sake, this was so painful. Yeah, because this is the, I guess they're sharing the journal, like writing to each other in the journal or whatever, and we're listening to that.

Maybe I like died inside at that moment, but how, how did they share fucking journal? We were with this journal. Okay, we meet every Thursday, you write on it on Wednesdays and then every, you hand it to me and then I meet up. There's like a whole calendar schedule. All right. Apparently you guys haven't been as deep in the friends home as I have.

You just have it in one place and then, you know, she gets to take it once in a while and then you get to pretend like you give a shit and then she gets to pretend like she's gonna fuck you eventually if you keep doing this and it's, it's actually fairly easy. Is this a real thing? Is this a real thing people do? Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely, I did this with a number of girls that pretended like at least kind of that made they might want to eventually fuck me. I did this quite a bit. Yeah. I have what percentage fuck you? Zero. Zero percentage. Yeah, exactly.

Because if you're exchanging journals, it's like, I can't even be stand to have coffee with you. Yeah, right. I don't even want to have a conversation with you. Where the fuck were you when I was 14, Keisha? I could have used this advice when I was 14. Well, luckily based on my handwriting and my spelling, nobody ever asked me to do that. Because they didn't got in the journal back

and been like, chin thick, shirt just snurched it. And I would have been like, yeah. Yeah, don't worry, no one will fix it in post. There's no, ah, give it a couple of decades. It's not. And then of course we get the scene where like dad's cleaning up her car and finds the empty vodka bottle.

Oh no. And also, and then so the parents give her the talking to they're like, hey, we're worried about your drinking. You should quit the activity that has nothing to do with drinking. Yeah, what? Okay. Yeah, she says she should quit the play. I have no idea why. So she storms out. She's like, I didn't ask to be born again. I also love to because she's like, she's like, the mom's like, you need to stop going to all of these parties and the girls responses. But mom, like, the mom's like, you need to stop going to all of these parties and the girl's responses, but mom,

those are the people that need me to witness to them the most. And I'm like, this girl actually had her mother convinced that she went to Kager's to Jesus, the kids who were drinking. Right? Listen, I want to take a moment and just offer this up if there's a heaven We need to not go there. We need to go to hell where Rachel actually is She's an expert liar Mom, I don't smoke. I just hang out with smokers mom. I don't hook up with boys

I just stay out till three in the morning and have pool parties getting wasted yeah I show back up soaking fucking wet because I was having a platonic relationship with a boy yeah and all our clothes were on yeah always but they take away her care her car keys and apparently we give a fuck or something But not for long because now we're gonna go back to Bible study so that Nate the bum Can give her His grandfather's dog tags as a gift Which is so if my wife walked in the room right now and asked for one of the heirlooms that I got

from my grandfather and my father, I'd be like, no darling, you can't have those. Those are family heirlooms. Would you like any other thing? But he just volunteers. He's like, hey, this journal sharing is going really well and I want to take it to the next level. Have the only remnants of my family history. I won't regret this.

I thought that was for sure at the moment that they were gonna fuck. I was like, yeah, and now they fuck. No, I was hoping for it. Yeah, yeah. And I don't really, this movie ever realized that we would want the two of them to wind up together.

I would have thought I was moved by it because they still fuck me. The two best looking characters, yeah, we want them to wind up together. I would have thought it was moved by it, he could still fuck me. The two best looking characters. Yeah, we want them to have sex. Yeah, I wanted him to fuck Celine more, but I have a thing for the sexy guy. Or a little threesome thing. Oh, I have a whole tumbler

dedicated to what I wanted to happen in this movie. But none of it did. How long did it take you to set up? Like six to seven hours. My notes took 30 seconds. You can't tell they're all misspelled. I think I just slapped the keyboard until I have the same length as Noah. Also, and this is going gonna be a recurring thing here We have to have one of our several like where like Nate is worried about her boyfriend because he's not a Christian And and she said he goes like well is this Alex guy a Christian and she goes no

He's really spiritual and then they say go fuck that guy, but like like, what was, what was spiritual supposed to be a code word for in this movie? I could never quite figure that out. You're a lish. What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? He's just like, oh spiritual, huh? Is this family-owned like a lot of media companies? Who's papers may be rigging the election. How come your profile pictures are frog? That's not answering the question, answer the question.

I just really care about honesty and video game reporting. It's... They didn't want to complicate the message and they were like, he's Jewish, at baking spiritual. Right. You know, there was one person in that writer's room that was like, we ain't never going to talk about the minutes of the Jew.

Are we? Wait, never going to talk about it. I'm taking a break. Storms out of the room. We're just going to make it not. So you seem like the bad guys threw out. Aren't we? And then we get opening night of the play.

Now, I don't think we've given enough time in this review to the play because apparently this is a very important thing in this movie. And the play ends and Nate's there. And he's all dressed up in a fucking tux for his school play, which is weird. And he comes up. And now, he's supposed to be older than her

right she said you're my big brother so we can assume he's considerably older and he walks up to her and this Alex kid and he's like good job he gives her the flowers and she's like thanks this is Alex and I was like how did you like the play and he's like fuck you I will choke you I am a grown up. I'm a grown up and this relationship's appropriate. But I would have winded it back to the play for one moment. That take was there. Play got a standing ovation and I'm still mad at that. It was the most stiff acting I've ever seen. And they only show you 40 seconds. Yeah, and it was bad. And they were smoking in the play.

All the kids had cigarettes. Every single one of them was holding a cigarette in the school play. Well, and it makes you wonder, it's like in addition to school shootings, shouldn't they worry about lung cancer? Not for this year, because that's clearly killing more people in college. 13 of those kids had nothing to worry about. Well, 12 in a teacher. And because this movie can't think of anything else to shoot, after the play, we have the plays after party, which is exactly the same as all the other parties that we've seen already in this movie.

But then, it's a cheaper location if you just shoot it all in one day. I guess. And this is the part of the movie that pissed me off the most. I was in drama club for four years. I started the musical four times in a row. Our after party was at Denys. There was no said. There was no making out. The same thing was. This is so much cooler than any drama fucking after party I prefer it. Also, the fact that Alex was the alpha male of drama and surrounded and plus. Maybe problematic. He's like, who wants to touch this drama dick?

Everybody was like, yes, everyone, all of us do. 1000 hands raised. Yeah. No, we would sit at denny usually with our parents in stage makeup. And the waitresses would tell us that Denny's was closing, even though Denny's didn't close, and then we'd all drive home with our parents and wipe off with too many baby wipes. That was our after party. Our after party was really just how many baby wipes can you use on your face until you break out. And but in this universe, everybody just goes to the party and fucks afterwards.

Yeah, it's just an orgy. It's just a bakai or two. Right. I mean, maybe this, this movie was really selling drama club. You want a fuck? I'll join their drama club. You wanna fuck? I'm doing mere drama club. I'm doing their drama club. Write the fuck now. If it gives me half a chance with Selene, who's that fat check who just found Jesus again? I'll jump right on the bed of waiting. I am all about it. But you know what you're the exact right age for their drama club. It should work out well for you. Perfect. This is also where we get, because she's keep saying that she wants to take their relationship

to the next level. And like anyone who hears that, he assumes she means that she wants to fuck, but that's not what she meant. So he takes her into the utility room to fuck or something. As you do. Yeah. Like a romantic. And look, okay, just to give you an idea

He goes to grab her ass and she stops him. So he's not even grabbing ass Yeah, like you get to do that with like the guys you play football with for fuck's sake But no he doesn't even get hand to ass But but she's and she's like you know, I I don't want to do this here. There's dog food in here. It's like, oh, I'm sorry princess. I Wanted him so badly to be like, yeah, that's my thing. I'm gonna eat it. You're gonna yell at me Yeah, are you hold the leash. Yeah, but no, this is like, she's like, you know, no, I didn't want to have sex with you. I meant I wanted to commit to you and you to commit to never having sex or something.

And he's like, okay, I'm going to go fuck somebody like a grown up then because I'm 31. So, and this is so bizarre because then we get the thing where she storms off but then she just storms right back on in the same thing. Yeah, she's like a boomerang. She literally is. And immediately, she must have been out of the house for 14 seconds and he's already in an upstairs bedroom making out with her friend her friend. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that was quick Shit there the friend must have been waiting on the bed being like tonight

He just walks in the room quick We fucking yeah, right. Yeah, he's like well the dog food room didn't work out where else can I make out fuck and Yeah, he's like, well, the dog food room didn't work out. Where else can I make out fuck and also like I have some dog food in here And also, okay, so this is the exchange that they have to like she walks in and her crush is making out with her friend or whatever And she goes what you were to Christian for him and he turns to where he goes wait, are you like a a serious Christian? As if Now's the time to talk about it. Yeah, right. Like that's the pertinent thing going on at the moment. Yeah. Holy shit. Well, I believe my notes at this point in the movie simply read, it's been an hour,

nothing's happened. I need to pee. So this seems like a good spot for a break before we take it. Let me give act three of the hard sell here. Will Rachel, I don't know, feel good about herself or whatever? Does Alex like her like her or just like her? Do these shorts make her butt look too big? Find out the answers to these pressing questions and pretty much nothing else when we return for the incidental conclusion of, I'm not ashamed. Hey folks, we wanted to take a minute to give a huge thanks to everybody who made it out to the QED live show.

Honestly, the only thing more fun than doing this for you guys is doing this with you guys. That said, we have an apology to issues so Morgan, can we get some sad apologetic music here? Great, perfect. Hi, let me lie Bosnick, the God Awful Movies Podcast and we have some fun on this show, but on last week's show I went too far and I'm here to issue a genuine apology. He is. Chubby Bunny is not funny. What? For those of you who aren't aware, chubby bunny or CB, as it's known, is a dangerous

game that involves fitting as many marshmallows in your mouth as possible and trying to say the sentence, chubby bunny, as many times as you can. It's a vicious practice that kills over 340 Americans a year. It's a choking hazard, it's a waste good person, but I'm a good person. I'm a good person, but I'm a good person. I'm a good person, but I'm a good person. I'm a good person, but I'm a good person. I'm a good person, but I'm a good person. I'm a good person, but I'm a good person. I'm a good person, but I'm a good person. I'm a good person, but I'm a good person.

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And I hope those words, along with the funds we raised, help to heal the wounds I created. Please go! To killjohnlinics.com, forward slash, this is not a joke, let's all do it together. The password is Murgatroyd, today. Andrew! Andrew! Come here! And let's give you a check.

And let's give you a check. And let's give you a check. And let's give you a check. And let's give you a check. And let's give you a check. And that's the first thing you link to get. Dude, I fucking hate you. I'll give you a t-shirt. FU-T. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA nonsense drama we're gonna remind you again that there is something of import happening in the background of this movie almost Unbeknownst to this movie so we're gonna get a quick shot of Dylan and Eric shooting bowling pins and then it's back to boring shit with Rachel And specifically this is the part where she like she's in the spot where everybody but her smokes and this is where she meets one of the two shooter kids Right, and he explains he's an atheist and that's why he's going to shoot everyone. Yeah. He's really an atheist because he can't physically see God.

That's really what it is. It's an object permanence problem. It's not really about why love his actual line here is, you know, God's just some outdated cultural construct. And I'm writing in my notes like that's exactly what a mass murderer would say and then and and that yeah million times yeah but again we're not going to spend any time with this character whose complexity actually has meaning to us instead she's going to notice that her pixie cut friend ran off and and off and instead she's going to leave the school shooter kid and go run off to find that girl.

No, she spends her time chasing a hot mess. She's like, I have a hot or mess. And it could not be more abrupt. He's like, yeah, man, you know, nobody gets me in a few like sometimes and might do something and she's like, I'm so sorry, but Celine is crying. Bye bye. Hi. Hi.

Okay, I'm going to shoot up the school. All right. Have fun shooting up at school, whatever you said. Ha, shit. Well, and she, see, the, I feel like the important pride point, she tells Rachel Rachel she doesn't matter. Which means that we're going to need at least 23 minutes of this white girl moping because the other white girl said a mean thing to her.

Yep. Another self-pitying montage. Yeah, but like this one's like suicidal and so- Right. But like, but this is also where she goes to the building ledge and she's about to jump off and then she sees the dog tags As she changes her mind so now Dylan and Eric have to do all the fucking work Isn't that just like it some Christians about to do some charity work and then two atheists have to do it instead We'll get it for charity folks. It's what I'm saying

Keep that modest means said we were just like the Columbine shooters and I think he mentioned it as a compliment. He meant it in a nice, as possible way. Yeah, so then she runs off to Nate the bum so that she can tell him that his dog tags saved her life or whatever. And I wanted him so bad to say no, it was just kind of a moped teenage girl cry for help thing, I'm sure,

but he didn't, because he still wants to fuck her, I guess. Right, and then they all lay hands on her to cure her depression, which and not to sexy way. And not to sexy way to kill a kid. Well, I would also say, if a bunch of people laid hands on me, that could be really fucking hot is like the hands were like

I'm a plus like to say There are Over me. Oh get a little Nate and a little Dylan a little Eric and a little that left over baby Well, and just see what happens. Oh left over baby will and just see what happens. Oh man. That's the point. This movie had all the elements of what could be in this movie. Including the crazy video or money.

Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. But okay, so but I guess the the the denumer of this scene is that she decides after all of this that she's not going to apologize for Jesus any longer. Because that means something to who the fuck knows. When was she supposed to have apologized for Jesus? I don't even know who told her to.

Never. At any point has anyone in this movie told her to apologize for Jesus, which is crazy because it's your movie. Right. They were asked someone you could have been like, apologize for Jesus, which is crazy because it's your move. Right, they want to ask someone you could have been like apologize for Jesus and she would have been like, okay. And then later on she would have been like, I'm not going to do that anymore. But this is basically a movie about why I stopped jogging. Never an issue. Well, and like at the end of this scene, like she comes up and hugs her mom and her mom has this,

was that supposed to be a dramatic moment look on her face to match my own? Yeah, because there's nothing happened between her and mom. There was no conflict, no. We're supposed to be affected by this, but the mom is not watching this movie. Well, more importantly, the mom her like once a summer ago. Yeah, but that was she's forgiving her for now. Who the fuck knows? Who knows? And then we move on to this, we get to this like walking down the hall, being actively hated by all the non-Christian scene. We get the other other all gonna laugh at you scene

Yeah, and man am I I just watching this scene I was like man am I glad nobody killed me in high school my movie would not be as nice That my movie would have been called fuck that guy It would have also had a cake starter campaign They would have sold advertising on what would have been my yearbook page. Also tiny moment, but we do have to touch on it. At one point it cuts to her in class and one of the Columbine shooters in front of her. And he's wearing a t-shirt that says natural selection, like natural selections of fucking band, that he's a fan of.

Yes. And also, as a teacher in that high school, I'd be like, stout, you at least learned one concept. Right. The poor kid's science teacher runs up to him and he's like, so, Eric super into biology, huh? And he's like, yeah, hate God. Well, that's not what that means at all. Non-overlapping, man, hysteria in that situation.

And then, okay, so then we get like her making up with Nate, the bum or whatever whatever they're chatting again And and she tells him again minor point because everything in this movie is a minor point But she tells him at one point she's like well the worst part of of the thing with Alex making out with my friend Is that I didn't even get to bother him about Jesus I Guess and then and then she does a rap She's a what did you think of her Christian rap? I

I'm not gonna say it was of the time and cultural appropriation just felt different I'm gonna say it was just like part of me was like I don't know maybe she had been like stopped the movie gone on tour with like biscuit I would have but she didn't. Yeah. You have to like totally get Columbine. The first time in my notes that I wrote, okay, I completely forgive Dylan and Eric now. Slowly starting to root for the Columbine killers as you watch this movie. Oh, it wasn't, it wasn't all that slow, yeah. But yeah, no, I honestly, if they had come in and mass murdered me and all the people in that movie theater, I wouldn't forgive them at this point.

Yes, they literally rap her and the guy together rap about being a warrior for Christ. She's not a pot-trip in Christian. And literally all my notes were at this point is I would have paid any amount of money to have watched the first time Keisha watched the screen at that girl like I'm not a pot tripping Christian. I've got fear and Satan slamming. Wambam thank you ma'am and look a finger in my butt but not my vagina because that's sex. Christian. How many takes do you think those actors use the N word before they got one where they didn't accidentally use it? I think that's how they start rolling instead of action is

And cut Get them in and out of character Get them in and out of character. Yep. Definitely gets them into character anyway. Meanwhile the bad guys are making gun noises. Yep, that's all we're going to get from them. And it's now time for her prolonged and boring. I'm a Christian presentation with her little seven year old hand print thing.

And it was so, this is so boring. This is such a, because you know that she's about to die and it and you're just Longing for it to happen. This was so boring that at this point in the movie I literally just put my notes down and buried my face in my bucket of popcorn and tried to eat my way to the bottom That's how boring her like Christians are like hands because they touch people i was just like no no no no i'm gonna make it all the way down i'm alone in this theater i just started looking for an outlet to charge my phone

i found one awesome awesome i was worried about like literally you just presented more stakes than this movie did. And at the end too, she's like, an in conclusion, I'm really, really Christian. That's what makes me so much better than you people. And of course, and this is where we get like we cut to the to the black

head. We see him for the second time. We just going, I get it. She's Christian and then we're done with him and now it's time for Eric and Dylan's video. Now like you said earlier Eli this could not more clearly be a cry for help I'm about to do something violent boy should someone be paying attention to what I'm doing kind of a video. Yeah it is a video and this is real Apparently they made a video about them killing all the popular kids at school and it's hard if I mean it's Ironically it's pre-columbine so like there's a part of me that's like yeah, I mean

We hadn't happened yet so I can understand why this teacher was a little bit, hasn't it, but it is so clear even in this scene, to just a ridiculous extent. The teacher just like pops the, she's like, do we have to keep watching this? And she pops the video and she's like, yeah. You guys get a D, here you go. Right, what was it called?

Oh, it was called cry for help. Right, so cry for help, you get a D. day for cry for help. And I want to point out too that like, you know, the Columbine shooting was such a big deal when it happened. This was not the first random school shooting that we'd had in this country, right? There were ones before this. This one was just like to a larger scale than the other ones had been. So like, yeah, this definitely is the kind of thing that should have sent up some red flags for some folks. But instead, again, instead of paying attention to that, we're now going to get the, the black kid catching

up with her after class to tell her that like, he thinks it's really neat that she's a Christian. He is two. That's the second scene of two. Yeah. We're, we're, well, we have to get that, that black kid stage time. It's not a traditional 90s representation of a movie. If we don't have our token black people, I mean, black dude, not black woman, black guy. Yeah, not people. Not people. Let's not take care of women in the 90s. She's not dating Ross. Get the fuck out of here. We gave you one. She got to date Ross. And I love that his message here is basically like, yeah, it's pretty hard

being a Christian like 80% of our classmates are or more. It's pretty rough. Yeah. Anyway. And her message to him is, yeah, it's pretty hard to be Christian. Hey, take care of Austin in case I die. Okay. Yeah. She asked him to be nice to the downskid and he will because he's a Christian. And then we get again, we get like a cry for help part two, where Dylan and Aaron confront her in the stairwell or whatever for, you know, give him a shed about their videos. They're like yeah like we were really kind of hoping that the counselor would would help us but you made her turn the video off. And she's like yeah sorry I'm so Christian you see that's why yeah that's it. Well the thing is nobody also told them

that this was a terrible video. That's Not because of the framing was all off. The editing, the rhythm, I mean, dramatic tension. I could have used a couple of pans, a few push-ins. There were just so many 90s zooms, but like, who am I to critique? That was my issue with it. Yeah, and now like the moment you've all been waiting for prom. Yes prom because now I guess the Asian geeky kid that she was hanging out with at the beginning of the movie is gonna be our prom date because apparently we've been paying attention to all of these fucking characters in a stupid movie. And I just want to point this out because they very clearly in the movie make it like, and then she settled for the Asian kid, you know.

And like, this is based on a real kid. Like she went to prom with somebody. How does that kid feel about like being portrayed as like the backup plan? Yeah, that kid survived a school shooting and is still alive. Right. And probably see this movie and was like all actually went to prom with her so like I should go check all rough for me also he asked her to prom by writing in marshmallows on a tray yeah I thought it was gum writing in marshmallows on a tray. Yeah, I thought it was gum. That's what I thought it was like chicklets or something. Yeah.

I thought they were marshmallows. Anyway, whatever they were though, like it's not like they had established that there was a thing between these two with marshmallows or chicklets or whatever. It was just some weird random fucking thing that they introduced. Yeah. So anyway, so then we get our getting ready for prom as though we give a fuck and then we get so bored during this scene

I just wondered how everyone's prom was if you look at my notes. It's just like I wonder how K. She's prom one No, did they have prom yet? I Wouldn't know no one loved me I wouldn't know no one loved me. But yeah, and also like they have her at the prom, she's doing the like slow dance, but she's like obviously looking at all the guys she'd rather be dancing with. Again, I'm just like, this is really a kid. He went and saw this movie, you know, he's my age now.

He's also a foot shorter than her and insists on doing the robot like several times. Like you feel like that actor was like, no, no, no, watch this. Huh? Uh, comedy gold. Break out star from I'm not ashamed. Whatever the fuck my name is. I think Seth Rogan goes to see Christian movies. And of course, then she run to the, we have to see where she like runs into

Alex, the guy who made out with her friend at the punch and he's sure meant to be less of a douche to her and she's trying to forgive him, but she's just not quite Christian enough yet or something. And they do the Shakespeare quote again. Again, three fucking times we have to sit through this shit. All the world to stay. And the best part is he goes, well, you know, it's a quote about death. And she's like, well, it's also a quote about life. And I'm like, no, it's actually a quote about death. We don't even have a plan.

It's about death. When they're talking about exiting, that's what they, when he meant was dying anyway. So and then Celine, the pixie hair girl shows up and is clearly hinting around about maybe trying some lesbian stuff, but Rachel doesn't get the message. So she decides to go to church and stuff. And again, I will try it. I have looked up this actress. She is not married and neither am I anymore. And she looks pretty naked on her IMDB photo, too. Yes. yeah. She's done a bunch of stuff. I have extensively researched this actress. Really? Extensively.

This is what I was doing while they were talking about the plot of this movie. Yeah, right. Jay Stamens, like the actress, who was like, like walked into an audition and was like excited she got the part and then she was like, what's it about? Yeah, right. Oh, I was supposed to be in the other fuck, okay. Yeah, but basically like her whole bit here is, she, I wish I was as Christian as you are Rachel. And then we get our 23rd and final Bible study scene where she basically

turns to Nate and says, this is her actual line. Why can't I see my future? Yeah, literally and he doesn't say nobody could see their future. You know, nobody. It's not how the future right? The future works. Right? Well, I was watching this movie, What the Bleep Do We Know? And they said we can remember things. So how come we can't? Stop it, that's being spiritual. Oh, Satanism. So yeah, and then of course, Nate has to throw down some,

you know, God always, God's when you least expect it, type wisdom or whatever. It would have been better if it was wrapped. Yes! If she had been like, well, why does God sit there and not do anything when I'm in such pain? And he just wraps his arms across his chest? Let me break it down, boy, yeah! KJ just pops up from below the screen. Oh, yeah

We're gonna do this whole movie and rap. We're gonna redo the whole thing It'll be the new Hamilton. It'll be fucking awesome. Oh my god a Rap version of this Yes Kasia you me midnight session. we're going to write this musical. I assume we hang up this recording. You are committed. You have said the word yes on this recording.

We could definitely finance that. I feel like we could finance the rap version of the Columbine, massacre Christian tragedy movie porn. Fun fact, it would be more tasteful in this movie it could not be less tasteful so yes by default it would be more tasteful and then finally we get to the big day and we know it's the big day because we get her waking up on the day of the attack and the guy on the radio says it's April 20th 1999 you You know, like they do, they always identify the year.

Well, not just that. He goes, it's April 20th 1999, Hitler's birthday. And I wanted so badly for him to flash cut to that guy in a meeting later. Hey, Dave, stop telling people when it's Hitler's birthday. I don't know, but they got to know they got to remember Hitler's birthday stop counting down the day still Hitler's birthday Like today's the only day were a kind of made sense But you do the 360 four days until Hitler's birthday you seem really into it Stop calling them I have a Hitler day calendar

It's like an advent calendar except for their just shower stalls. It's cool. It's cool. You'd like it. So and then we get like we you know, just just so you remember you know, these guys are bombing shit So we get like dealing in a rick setting their bombs in the school and again, you're just like why aren't we watching their movie? That would be maybe interesting in some on some level But no we're not instead we're learning that the guy from before whose parents were getting divorced Remember him no of course you don't because there's 900 characters in this stupid fucking movie Anyway, he wants to talk to her at lunch that will be important in the relative sense that things are important in this movie Right then she gives Madison her here. I forgive you because I'm going to die. No.

Right. Like that morning. Yeah. Of course. And also, okay, so that we get this little little snippet and this will come back later because the teacher comes up and she says, Oh, Rachel, that's a very good drawing you're doing. What is it drawing of? And she's like, it's eyes and tears. What the fuck do you think it is? And the teacher goes, why 13 tears though? And of course, I'm writing in my notes because there has to be a certain amount, no matter what, right?

But this will all come back. It'll be very important. That's a God speaking through her drawing, I guess. Anyway, so. And if it had been 12 tears, it would have been like, well, we really only were counting the students, that teacher, right? Fuck them. Yeah, fuck them.

Right, right, exactly. And if it had been nine, they would be like, well, not the killers. We weren't counting the Dylan and Eric, either. Yeah. And if it was eight, it would it would be like yeah not that black kid Come on Steve we're gonna count Steve when Rachel died come on So now we get to lunch because like her and Madison have made up now so she can finally get around a dying

So we get to lunch as she goes outside to talk with divorce dad kid. In the meantime, Dylan and Erica over by the car, their bombs in the cafeteria didn't go off on time. So now they're going to get their guns and we finally get to see some fucking carnage. Except not really. Except not at all. And then so, okay, I mean, this has been told a couple of times but the divorce kid is the one who says the do you believe in God and then they shot her story right he never had them do this whole fucking waterboard back and forth thing that happens in the movie where he's like oh you a Christian and she's

like you know I'm a Christian and he's like you ready to die and she's like do it bitch and then he fires God, it's just fucking insane. They also in this movie to have him getting shot before and like passing out before this happens. So maybe he just dreams about this long Dirty Harry-ass conversation she had. The truth is, it's incredibly sad that they killed this high school girl, and whether or not they asked her if she believed in God and shot her, is entirely irrelevant to the motivations of these killers.

And that's what's really important. This whole movie was built on a pyramid of bullshit, which is the sneaky idea that the Columbine killers wouldn't have done this if they had believed in God. And that's the truly poisonous twist on this film. Yeah. Is that they killed Rachel because she was a Christian.

And the truth is they killed Rachel because they didn't get the help they needed and we keep giving people guns when we don't need any fucking guns. Well, and also the other thing about this is that this movie very clearly sells this message that like there were thirteen victims but this one was the most Christian so she matters the most right yeah i i mean there there was a kid named Isaiah, the black kid who got shot, where's his movie at? Somebody hit up the film studio and tell them, what about that one?

Well, he probably, he might have been a secret Muslim like Obama. Oh, that's right. He was a nation of Islam, that's not getting twisted. Yeah, exactly. Well, I don't know if you know this, That's right. He was a nation of Islam. It's not given twisted. Yeah. Well, I don't know if you know this, but my cousin's friends, cousin's daughter's sister's roommate told me

that right before they shot him, they were like, are you black? And he was like, you know it. And they were like, you sure? And he was like, Uh-huh. And so they shot him for being black. Wow, that's a lot of dialogue before.

Her first respect act. Almost like it'll remove all the dramatic tension. Wow, that's a lot of dialogue before. That's a respite gap. Almost like it'll remove all the dramatic tension. Well, but the difference being though, that they actually did shoot the kid for being black, right? I mean, they did shoot kids for being like, jocks and shit. Yeah, that's the thing is that this actually happened only not to Christians. Right? It would be like me saying, you know, I got killed in the Holocaust, too, Jews.

I should get a country. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It's fucking ridiculous. And now by the way, this is where the movie starts and ends because like they put the gun to her head and killer and now she's gone and it's just like, okay, but like there was this whole school shooting and we're not gonna spend any, no,

we're done with that, huh? Nope, totally done. They literally just there's the news footage of the the actual kids from the Collabine shooting actual fucking kids. Yes Running away and how horrible that was and how scary that was and And it's really poisonous and manipulative and shitty. And I just, this whole like newsreel section, I was just like, can you imagine us using a dead kid for our message? Someone would justifiably run us over with a steamroller. If I made it like God is dead movie,

where it was just about some sweet kid who realizes that God doesn't exist and then someone shoots him. Everyone would be like gross dude, but this movie is just like, AAH what are you gonna do? Well, I think luckily though, I do think a lot of people were like, oh fucking gross on this movie. I think, you know, a lot of the movies we do, they sort of get overlooked because all they're saying is like atheists are evil and of Hitler or whatever,

but I think the poison and disgustingness of this movie actually did resonate with the average person. Because I've seen a ton of shit online about how despicable this movie is, and not just coming from the normal atheist sources. So at least there's that. There's a reason why none of us could find a responsible theater to have this movie. And I slot in Times Square at the one theater shows Christian movies. No one had to go search through the jungle. And it was only playing at 3pm and news. I couldn't find a flush fucking showing after 145. Yeah, yeah. And so yeah, they tug at your heartstrings

with a little bit more of this fucking news real footage, which again, such a disgusting fucking thing to put in this movie. But at any rate, and then we cut to her car where everybody's gonna like put flowers on her car, or whatever. And this is a thing that really happened, I guess, you know, showing us once again

that this actually was a pretty popular kid and like probably didn't really have like problems compared to the average teenager in high school or whatever. And apparently the car that they used is actually her car. They actually took her car from Denver to like Nashville or wherever the hell they filmed this

for this scene because that was important. But yeah, now all of the kids are gonna Jesus because she inspired them and Well, they were all gathered around the car. I just wrote my notes with these kids needed some exposure therapy They need James Lindsay to jump out in a trench coat That's a deep cut right there only the real fans get that one That's the people listening to me when I'm serious And then Nate, we then

we cut to the funeral where Nate gives the eulogy because apparently my bladder can take it. Yeah. I was a shop that they had anything left to say. Well, they didn't though. They didn't, but we kept going anyway. Yeah. Did his eulogy end with the sentence, what happened to her? I can't imagine I was paying that close of attention. Is that how he finished it? Yes, I was still looking for an outlet at this point. Just crawling around the theater in the dark. That's tracking under people's legs.

Oh, wait, nobody's legs. Nobody. At one point he goes, what happened to her? And it's supposed to be like this melodramatic moment, but it's this weird pause. So I wrote my notes. She got shot, dude, not the time. Also, there's a close up of the coffin and you notice that everyone has signed her coffin like a yearbook that was weird That was a weird shot of this movie Well, and also like the the eulogy he's giving is so very clearly Oh, I know like once she got into college and got more experimental

I know I was gonna get all up in that shit once she got over Jesus God damn it. Why do you shoot her now? Um, yeah, it was a little painful and so then we cut to the final scene of the movie This is like mom like bringing her stuff into her bedroom being all sad and then this really contrived moment Where she like tries to hang up the dog tags where they fall So she has to move the dresser and when she does she sees the handprint that wasn't a turkey that Rachel drew when she was eight years old. But inside it she wrote, if you're reading this, I'm gonna get shot. Save me. Signed, baby time traveler. No, so what she had actually written in there was something about, my name is Rachel and I'm gonna touch

millions of people through my Death or actions or something and yeah, it was It that the Egan Mania of an eight year old trial It's like I'm gonna touch the web My name is Rachel and I am God. Well, and also the thing is, is this is supposed to be that like, oh, she must have known, like Jesus had whispered into her ear even as a child, but it's like, yeah, she was a raky practitioner.

This would also work, okay? And I wrote my nose like, that is the lamestest quote unquote miracle ending possible. Except for them, they then go to the picture that she drew and said, 13 tears, just like 13 victims. I'm like, oh, that's the lamest miracle ending. Exactly. OK, my bad. I didn't think it could be less impressive than this, but it is. When do you think they just, they found that?

And do you think someone just like, I don't know. There's only 11 tears. I'll just draw Yeah, what is she gonna do she ain't gonna say shit Add a couple more crucifixes now. Here's the question. Did you guys stay for the whole thing to see the after-credits scene? No, was there not a reddits scene? Yeah, her hand pops out of the dirt. It does not. No.

That would be awesome. The sequel, Call of Bun to. It does not make me so happy. Well, I should edit that all out so that if anybody watches this afterwards They watch the whole thing I can be like yeah, I remember that part. That was great. I'm gonna make them sit through the whole credits That'll be awesome. Oh So good

So okay, so I know this is a bit of a tall order to fill But what would you guys say was the most offensive thing about this movie? I'm gonna go with her Christian-spoken word poem, rap thing. I got to keep with the basics. I have to go with the fact that the feminist in me, she's got to learn how to just chill and not ask for so much commitment. So enjoy where you are, not where you are trying to be and finally, the way she was called deep so early in the movie, and proved it all wrong. Yeah, she couldn't have been more shallow.

Yeah, I'm going to go with the learning about evolution about evolution turns you into school shooter thank all the old fashioned uh... so to wrap up here i i feel like now that pureflix has opened this pandora's box it's only a matter of time until the market is just flooded with capitalizing on a national tragedy for reasons holy unrelated to the tragedy itself type movies and i feel like we need to get in on the ground floor so to close off the review tonight, I figure we could brainstorm Keisha, Eli, what tragedy

should we capitalize on and what should be the moral of our story? Oh, I got one. Uh, I haven't one for us. He was only in high school when the towers fell. And two decades later, he would take on the religion that did it in the saving atheist. Oh, were we like school shoot him a drasa? Yes. School shoot him a drasa. I want to be on that list with Majid and Ion Hercie Lee. Right, dammit.

I've said way meaner shit than those motherfuckers. It's fine, no big deal. I'm not jealous. You think they get parties? I don't even have a fucking fat way yet. Holy shit. I know. So I guess if this is Ron Robin, mine would be Sandy Hook, but it's a mashup of Lukus talking. That is the best I did ever. As soon as we are finished with our rap music a little bit of color, by we start working on Lucas talking to Sandy Hook, musical. Yeah, that way we can hear their Christian thoughts

except for that black kid. I don't know. He like deserved it or something. Oh, he can be voiced by Samuel L. Jackson. Yep. You can stop selling, sir. It's sold. Well, I have to say, Kesha, not many people have the stomach to come back for more very

impressed. If our listeners would like to hear a little more from you, where can they go? You can go to keshazaller.com. You can follow me on Twitter. I post about all my shows uh... have some fun shows and what not coming up at you see be at the break citizens for gay at the people's in private theater

i don't know find me online i don't go go me or just check the show notes and we'll have everything linked there all right well thanks for hanging out with us tonight And here's hoping we can make a trilogy of it in the future sometime Yay This time I want a black movie Almost you what we can do you know they're they're much worse. They tend to be much

Doug and done You know, it's like fuck the caveats roll And well that does it for our review of I am not ashamed That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get your old ticklish over next week So Eli tell us what's on deck? The Estolution a lot of people are gonna be really excited to hear that myself included. Oh give it a give it a give it Missed him I missed him I missed him I decided to hear that myself included. Oh, give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it if the advertising is to be believed, Ray Comfort will cure us of our atheism with one simple question in next week's film.

So, I don't think the question is, did you just fucking lick me? So, I don't think the question is did you just fucking lick me? So... I don't know. If it is though, you can feel confident at least comfortable that you changed the future course of the film. So, you know... It's true. If you offered nothing else to the world, that would be enough. I am excited.

As am I, sir. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 63 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Keisha for suffering alongside us tonight. A big get well soon to Heath, and a guard-gantuan denigratitude to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review at iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, and the scepticrat available on iTunes, Stinger, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies

at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slott, and a couple of evil giraffes on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here, here more by following the links on the show to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions promising to work hard during another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. My name is Jesus and I'm here to say it. To say, Jesus, thanks every single morning. Shit, goddamn, what are these days? We'll get it. So white. The filmmakers took out the line where one of the shooters confessed that he's gay

because blaming the Darwinists and video game makers was apparently enough. There have been 57 mass shootings since Columbine, but we still won't make a goddamn movie about gun control. Hey, we both did real ones. Weird. My name is Jesus. Hey, we both did real ones. Weird. My name is Jesus. Jesus is here to say,

Can't jump in first. They said, gonna, sepid damn snakes. The President's podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2016, all rights reserved. Un Chapuzon. Un el habito. Tu seri e favorita. el Interstrum LLC Cabirá 2016, all rights reserved. un sueño de verano, bailó es simple que sur.