God Awful Movies - 66: GAM066 King's Faith

Episode Date: November 22, 2016

On this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of King's Faith; the story of a human who does things, many of which are unrelated to one another. That's the closest we could collectively come to a plot synopsis. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

Take that commoto dragon. Mom's like, uh, you know, maybe the only answer is that there is no answer. To which dad says, look, we can turn away from this kid or we can turn to him. And I'm like, are we back on that conversation now? Did pages stick together in the script? What the fuck just happened? You have a feeling that during this movie a lot of people yelled, Keep rolling! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha OOBEY!

Welcome back to the Gamecast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we want to experience the same kind of disappointment as our lovers. I'm your host Noah Luzonz and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thank you Noah and Sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm doing good. No, but if we want to give people the same experience as our disappointed lovers, we have to end the episode now It's already been too long for me Well, yeah, there's there's that so well. No, I why why I meant Yeah, I guess we should watch two minute movies anyway So we could start it up another 10 minutes It's cuz you're so funny. It's cuz we love our listeners so much

So tell us he's what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched King's faith Which is a clever title because the main character turned out to have the same last name, King, which is great. And it's the story of a trouble teenager named Brendan King, who does several things throughout the movie, none of which matter at all, because God controls everything and actions don't matter and none of the plot connects to anything else.

Whew, yeah, thank you pretty much nailed it, there at Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love those feel good movies, where a white family takes in a black kid, but you're tired of being told how crazily, terribly racist those are, but you still wanna be terribly crazilyily racist you will love this movie. 50% blind side, 50% loving the bad man, it's loving the white man.

I don't really see it. All right, so I have a theory about this movie and normally I would say something like this for the end, but like when you're a writer and you're trying to get published or something, once in a while you'll see like Hey Wizconcent magazine is accepting submissions for stories set in Wizconcent So you go through this story that you're trying to publish and change the budget street names add some cheese and cross your fingers And it felt like that's what we were getting here, right? This was just a like you know taking in a trouble teen story. They're like no, no, no, no

Finally the guys like what if it was a Christian movie and just as lazily as possible just dropped in Christian movie shit randomly within the script even if it doesn't make any sense within the dialogue that's happening at the moment yeah he had Siri do it well see now I have a very different theory about how this movie got made I think this movie was always a Christian movie but I think it was a black kid and then there was a meeting where they were like hey um guys this is get gonna be a race thing because then all the black guys are black and then at the end we sell him at an auction and they were like what if he was white never was like no one will suspect i

truly believe that i want hundred percent believe that was the case i think you might be right uh... uh... now is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at uh... no that this movie is aggressively

mediocre it's not the best or worst at anything we're actually like every moment, it was just meh. Yeah, exactly, exactly. This is a great movie to play plants versus zombies, hearthstone too. That's all I can tell you. No, I can't say that.

I'm gonna go with best worst sudden, terrible message in a movie. We get some hard right turns, but this movie is worryingly just like a feel good kid from the wrong side of the tracks for about for about 40 minutes. And then it takes a quick right turn off the rails and then gets right back on again and never acknowledges it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no my best worst relates to that one though I was going to go with best worst unrelated unresolved side plots. This movie is like listening to old people tell stories like you get to the end and you're like why did we take that tangent what did you think I was wondering how they made escalators back then just now. No reason for any of the things

happened because of the other things. No. It's nonsense. No. Yeah. It's a collection of scenes. That's sensed. Technically. This is the movie equivalent of a Donald Trump book report. Oh, it's going to be the best. He's the best kid. He loves Jesus.

And there's the bad guys. They're killing each other. There's fires. Streets are terrible. But then we're going to the best. Tress your chest full of drugs, no it'll all make sense. Women are worth money. Alright well this movie has nothing to say at a long time to say it, so before we

venture out on this uphill climb we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we come back we'll tackle all the tangentially related scenes that are King's Faith. Here at God Awful Movies we know that many of you are spending the holiday with your family, and for many of you listening to this episode will be secret vengeance on Uncle Jerry who told everyone he was grateful for Donald Trump. So to cheer you up for this week's Blue Apron ad, we're joined by the one and only Ray Comfort.

Ray, how are you? Uh, hello, he, thanks so much for having me. Well, I'm, hi, Ray. So, just out of curiosity, I know you're from New Zealand, but do you celebrate Thanksgiving at all? Ray, not him. I just didn't have the cooking chops. Also, techie, as you know, is the minion of the devil.

Thus, he starts his name with the crucifix and ends it with the law of sightening. Well, yeah, thanks for that. Well, we're, we're Well, believe it or not, you can cook fantastic food year round with blue apron. Sorry, I hate to disagree with you, Seth, but no matter what I wear and believe me, I've tried everything I just can't seem to cook right. The oven gets hot enough and I just start screaming. You see, reminds me that I'm just like, no, right, right.

Blue apron, though, is a food delivery service and they deliver ingredients and easy to follow recipes right to your door for less than ten dollars a meal Really, they spend ten dollars a meal and step by step instructions That seems even easier than a banana Yeah, it sure does right so why don't you give that a try well? He tells the folks at home how they can give Blue Apron a try. Alright everyone, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueaprin.com slash God awful. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cook meals with

Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueaprin.com slash God awful. Ray, you stuff the turkey with bibles and spend 30 minutes asking the lettuce to prove to you the sun is hot. I sure did. I sure did, Sy babe.

Blue apron. A better way to cook. Now you see these picture instructions. Could they just form all by themselves? Could they just full mobile themselves? Could they? Do I make sense? Tell me I make sense. And we're back for the breakdown

and we're gonna start this flick off with some out of focus tragedy and a voiceover about starting again. And I got it meant I started this movie out hopeful. I mean, super-duper-Christian movie logo, credits made by an adult, I was into it. I was into it. Our standards are so fucking low now. Yeah. I'm like I'm looking at this going like I was like it could be pretty good though. No. No. No. But I did find it funny that the VO is saying like if you want to change, you got to stop listening to the voices in your head and the Vio is saying this which is

And also I mean what if the voices in your head are telling you to change which is they are right now the Vio saying that basically It's very confusing or telling you not to steal a lolly poppy I mean there's all kinds of different good things those voices could be saying do you want to meet your homies friend? Or do you want to be Jehovah's Enemy? You killed Jehovah's Father. So yeah, so basically what we're getting here is, okay, our main character was in a drug house that was raided once and he's having like blurry tragedy flashbacks of it. Right, and his friend got shot and died. Yeah. And then we go into this like really painful effort at I don't even know what they were going for where he's going like everybody

has their number minus 18. Yeah, this script written by Erie Geller for real. When he said my number is 18, I wrote minus 12. This ankle brace that is itchy. What are we talking about? Yeah. So apparently this is Brendan's 18th foster home placement and they go so out of their way to make him such a bad like he's like, you know, 18 foster homes, nine people I've murdered with a spoon, six confetti convictions, you know, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a fortune cookie. He has other numbers too. They aren't 18. It's fine. Yeah, exactly. And how much did you guys want to see a scene

of his 16th foster home just being like, so you've been in 15 foster. Wow, I feel like what's can you tell me what happened 14 times? And I want to say this kid could not possibly look less like prison hardened. They went to the supermarket and got some tattoos out of the vending machine form and everything. But this kid looks like Hayden Christensen's little brother or something. Yeah, it's hard to believe that you're a hard and criminal when you have such perfectly groomed groucho marks eyebrows and i spent most of the movie staring at

them that said he does during this montage takeoff is shirt and do some pull-ups at which i realized yes i would in fact be able to jerk off to this movie and he's got a tramp stamp we i think that's the point of this. And I think it said avocado or for a second, I thought it said a weird thing. I actually stopped it. We're back and paused. It says Avenue D, which is his gang. Oh, yeah, I was thinking that the guy that was fucking him in prison was, you know, trying to make guac. Oh, that makes sense too. Yeah, yeah. It's a recipe.

So, be fair, you don't want Avenue D written across your back. It doesn't bring to mind a street in the part of town. It brings to mind that this is where the D goes. Or a puppet musical about that. Yeah, exactly, exactly, at best. But before we get to that, we have to meet his new foster family, all state Delroy Lindo and his wife, Mrs. Kudde Dunn better. Oh, they're attractive older people though, definitely. I had a weird thing with it, like certain angles. I really had a thing for the mom, but yeah.

See, I have cross-bed, kimono dragon and jada pink at smith and melting Danny Glover. So like, yeah, no, I feel like that. We're both saying the same thing, but with different words. Super attractive. Also, if you were hoping that this actress would do a whole bunch of moving of her face throughout this movie, no, no, no, the surgery has taken that from her. This is someone who, if she blinks hard, the back of her head rips open.

And this first scene is the perfect example of it. The dad is like, oh, well, you know know i teach it the high school exposition exposition and honey how long did you work at the school as a school nurse and she was like that's a little private don't you think he's like oh alright well uh... uh... why

i'm too over this shit ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This shit So yeah, so we get him like unpack it and doing some pull ups and of course studying his Bible like this movie was like making a lot of Effort to say over and over again. No, no Christian Christian Christian. Don't turn it off yet Don't turn it off grandma. Come on grandma. Look at the Bible. Oh, he's reading it Don't you wish your grandson would read it? You keep giving him one for Christmas. So then we cut to his first day at school where the principal is making it clear that he ain't taking no shit.

Yeah, the principal basically, I mean, look, I know he's like a troubled kid and this is the troubled kid gets the talking to him beam, but the principal's like, so if you drink or smoke weed or get in a fight or don't come to school, we're a school with rules is I guess what I brought you in here to say. Did you go to a school without rules before?

No, this is how everyone thinks. All right, moving on. I'm a PC. And they throw this in really subtly as though we shouldn't get pissed off about it or whatever. The fact that they, like apparently he's doing his community service with the faith club. Like he's been court ordered to Christianity essentially. And that'll happen multiple times in this movie and they'll just be like, yeah, you know,

sometimes you got to go to the religious thing because you were sentenced by a judge. Look, sometimes you misbehave and you got to switch religions. It's just part of growing Please crazy billionaire remake this money except its Muslim club Yeah, I don't know about praying. They're just like come on man It's five times a day and then Chris shows up and Chris basically enters this movie by going hey man Notice you got a banana in your lunch. Would you like a second banana? Smacking and mopping and mopping. I have a mistake.

Like basically the principle says, you know, like, okay, you know, you don't smoke weed or drink alcohol on school campus. Here's Chris, he'll be your best friend. Here's your assigned best friend. Yeah, exactly. Here's your first girlfriend. I need you to break up with her by sophomore year and then that over there, that's gonna be your junior, you're a girlfriend and that's gonna get weird. Look at me, look at me Brandon, that's gonna get weird.

And Chris is trying so hard to do that thing that Christian movies do where they make the Bible Club not seem like it's terrible. He's like, oh yeah, that guy who took you in,'s pretty cool he runs the bible club you could say it's pretty dank and then of course we have to end this whole thing with his like uh montage of wandering through extracurricular activities and sitting on the bleachers all dejected and alone or whatever right and I know that this what the movie's trying to do is like, this kid just can't fit in because he's so troubled and he comes from the wrong side of the tracks. But he looks like a mutant from Xavier's school where the only power they have is date

rape. So it doesn't work. He's just some preppy high school musical dropout being like, home now. Yeah, right, right. I don't think they're going for like creepily watching girls play tennis, but that's what they land on. And now we're on to Seekers Club. But yeah, they're talking about all the wily, Satan, antics, and biblical hijinks and what

not at Bible Club. And then after Seekers's club we get them all stuffing envelopes together where we meet the girl that I most want to fucking this movie uh... dorky band camp check all dorky i call her pigtails girl pigtails pigtails girl is the before in the movie where it's like no i'm just your nerdy best friend you'll never think of me that way pigtails come out bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant b BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM,AM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM,AM, BAM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM, BAM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM,AM, BAM,AM, BAM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM, BAM,AM,AM, BAM, B my friend Yeah, well, I love to when she starts hitting on him. She's like, uh, you know So bread and tell me about it yourself. And he's like well. I and then Chris interrupts

And he goes he doesn't talk much like maybe that's because you keep interrupting him you fucking asshole He was trying to answer and also this is when Chris um pitches his Clean his Christian volleyball is his clean his christian volleyball intermural league and his christian alternative rock band yeah well some alternative and some christian punk can't wait for that all right thirty seconds on the clock christian punk bands go oh shit

uh... at the a a a a a a a a a a a a a the clashes to clashes, the abstinence pistols. Abstinence only pistols. Through my hands. Good religion. Smashing pornkins. That was an actual 30 second version of 30 seconds on the clock. Amazing.

This is why we write them down, everybody at home. I did my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my you really have to be paid attention to know that he's a cop but one way the other you have no idea who the fuck is but he's at the house that adopted or is foster parenting uh... brendan right and old white cop guy look you know that in like three months there's going to be a video that comes out of mike pence and donald trump double teaming a girl while she's painted gold after that when he has to drop out of all politics and draw as a pencil mustache on, that's what this cop looks like. Trying to hide his identity

mic pants. I think you mean reelected, but yeah, yeah. Yeah. He looks like half Anderson Cooper, like top half and then half pirate porn extra. He's pretty rough. I had Butch Anderson Cooper there too. Like early in his career anderson kuper got you know i had to play a butch cop or something and eight too many famous bulls when you realize that that's where he was in life anyway so yeah but this is where we learn that yes that louis who they keep keep mentioning is definitely their dead kid

um... and russell the the cop wants their dead sons fuzball table I'm thinking to myself that is a damn indelicate question. Such a dick move. Let me get his PlayStation. Oh, what is he using it? Well, that's the thing. He's like, well, I see you gave your new foster son, Lewis's old car. If you're giving away dead kids, shit, I want in. We've gone each other for a while. He starts running around the house. Dibb, Dibb, what are we doing?

A sticker thing, what are we doing? Let's make this fun. Ha, ha, ha. Also, on his way home, he sees a shot that we will get. No less than six times throughout this movie. Oh my God. Mono Atomic Gold Eating Jada Pink pink at Smith putting flowers on a grave and in case you're wondering hey, that's too subtle I don't know what that means don't worry the movie will show you

875 more times So now we get this Weird creepy scene where Brendan comes to it into his bedroom and Russell the cop is just sitting on his bed Leaping through his Bible. It's so amazing. Hey, hope you know, because like he's suspicious of Brandon. That's the other thing that we learned in the breakfast scene room for and he's like,

Hey, you know, man, that I'm in your room. Do you made a snack jerked off on your pillow? You know, the usual sitting on the bed. I wanted him so badly to spin the bed around like a Bond villain stripping a white hoodie. There's the only thing that would have made this scene more cliche. Yeah. And he even admits it. He goes, look, I know what you're thinking. This is a tired and boring movie trope. But I like the thing going he and Andrew do that Eli's not allowed

to do because he tried to name his team a racial slur so I know statistics. Yeah, it brings up fantasy football here and that actually kind of pissed me off because I was like, well, how am I now supposed to record this episode without talking about my incredible six game win streak that's left me tied for first place with Andrew only seven points back from six and three seven and three now and that's gonna piss off a bunch of listeners. So in me because I have like a hundred more points in that. I don't have a way better record. Totally do. But the guys from Mythos is Milwaukee are getting so much more fucked than anybody else, so I just don't know how you can feel. Anyway, so yeah, yeah, but I'm not talking about that anymore or we'll start losing patrons

we lose two patrons for every minute i spent talking about fantasy football i've done the math so anyway the key here is the cop doesn't believe that brendan is christian enough to turn his life around right and literally he basically goes look at your a rat that came from a hole and you're going to drag everyone down into the hole you were in anyway nothing personal i just wanted to let you know like statistics say you're a garbage person all right but but but and those folks they those guys who took you in never took a shortcut in their lives takes them forever to get anywhere weird actually just giving you your heads up about that.

Yeah, and if he's a stats guy, so like 90% of kids like Brendan, you know, go back to jail or whatever, like is there anything in your stat book about the success of praying or the theme of this movie or you know? Yeah, and also, of course, we get to reveal here that their son was a cop, Lewis, who was killed in the line of duty, cue the strings, literally, literally cue the strings, yeah. But the way the line is delivered, he goes, they get's right up in his face, he goes,

their son was a cop who got killed in a routine traffic stop. And I wanted him so badly to be like, so don't shoot them in a routine traffic. I'm not gonna get you in the routine. That's why it was like a warning as opposed to like, this is a thing, this is information you need to know. It was like, I as opposed to like this is a thing. This is information. You need to know it was like I'm I and you So and then we cut to him driving around with the most lazily introduced friend character in cinematic history when his

Sorted past starts to come to light But Chris has the weirdest way of introducing and he's like, Hey man, a bunch of the kids said you like got arrested in a drug raid and went to jail. And Brandon's like, yeah, and he's like, don't worry, pussies will soak. You smell that? You smell that pussy? You smell that pussy. And Brandon's like, this is a weird way to tell me that everyone at school knows I'm a felon. And he's like, yeah, it is. Look, a car crash.

And wouldn't you know what? The love interest is on fire. And he looks through the window and she's knocked herself out against the window and we get a shot of, she's got like a bird tattoo and I wrote, Save her Brandon, she'll fuck the shit out of you. Tattoo on the neck, do it Brandon, do it. Yeah, so once again, for the 800th time time we see a car windows smashed in one of these movies it's like the most it's the most expensive thing they can afford to

break i think that's what they can afford like exactly one car window full of sugar glass or whatever and so they do it in all of these movies so yeah he saves the love love interest and uh... when the cops are like you know clean and things up afterwards they find that she had drugs in her car this will not matter she was pilling yet exactly

so next days on the news for being all heroic and i thought to myself at this point somewhere in the world there is a script by numbers that the writers of this movie do not want you to find it's that i wanted the cop to show up and be like, so heard you tried to kidnap a girl already. Yeah, but of course the dad is looking at him going like, well, you know, that was no accident. God has a plan. That plan includes murdering my son.

So it's not a good plan. Not a good plan, but it's an Eli using map quest. He's printed out kind of plan. You know what I'm saying? He end up in Ohio. It doesn't matter if you're going to Ohio, you end up in Ohio. So let me head back to the school where we have Brendan like sitting in the classroom or whatever and he looks out and he sees this suspicious black van outside. ominously. But then we move away from that so Chris can come in and talk about how famously fuckable

they are now. And he goes, hey man, you two famous to talk to me? Uh, oh, what's my name? I forget. I don't matter, even a little. Anyways, I'm here to deliver information. You saved the homecoming queen. She's from the right side of the tracks. You're from the wrong side of the tracks you're from the wrong side of the tracks and that's my lines for the scene okay

bye bye and and then we get what I guess has to be the most bizarre scene in this well no it's not but at least the most bizarre scene so far this is where he we cut to that night where he's like now waking up in a room full of hoodlums. And it's like hey Brandon you've already had one guy just show up in your room maybe get a lock on that bedroom I think it's time. I love to this is where we discover that the bad guys name in this movie is Eli. Yay I love that so much. Yeah the other guys names are rich and big Lex. So just pick better names all around

Not that hard guys and and apparently these are the old gangsters he used to run around with and they're all out of jail now And they're angry at him for looking so Christian and clean cut and there's this amazing moment where he goes look man I see you go pitful. And I think that means like go wild and like be people up. But I for a moment, I was like, look, if this movie turns out to be a wear pitful, I am. It's all I'm saying. I'm in. All right, we got to start working on that script as soon as we're done here.

But yeah, like so, but like Eli sees his Bible. He's not impressed. And he's like, you know, I can't roll with the old crew. And Eli doesn't like that answer. So finally, we come, it comes out that they're looking for a treasure chest full of drugs. And only Brendan knows where it is. And we have all written how he introduces this treasure chest full of drugs in our notes Yeah, it's not just drugs, but yeah, it's weed cash Kane and liquor liquor a stash of lick like old scotch this Just really wanted the list to keep going though just like liquor Jim Baker buckets crayons garbage pale kids we need to know where make Donald's

This is an optimist prime new inbox you know what this is worth on eBay and it is dusty I'm like, what's the... Hunter. The only thing I was thinking was like, how differently does this scene play out if Brendan was beating off when they came in? Like, oh fuck, dude, we were gonna do this thing where we came in and you were asleep and we scared you, but now this is just awkward. Why'd you spin the bed around like that? That's weird.

You have a spinny bed. Why wouldn't you just keep it spun the other way anyway? Are you doing the post-repeatic thing now? Why are you elevating the feet? We don't want a god damn it man You got to get a Casper mattress. They're fantastic Why do you have a silk scarf around your neck and your eyes? Okay, and it's important to point out Brandon's performance here is that he really doesn't know where that box is because there's absolutely no reason for him not to tell these characters where that box is.

At the very end of the movie, we're gonna get why he lets his friends go through hell, his projects get destroyed, his own safety be in danger, and it's because, I don't think we're spoiling anything here, it's because he doesn't want those particular drugs back out on the street But like those are the only drugs Brendan. Did you think that was all the drugs left in the world, bro? Yeah, the only reason we're not spoiling anything there by the way is because that's so fucking stupid It can't be spoiled, but yeah, that actually is a big reveal later in the movie. But before we can get to that, we have to meet the love interest proper.

This is where Natalie is the character's name. She shows up at the locker to thank him. And we learn that she too has to do community service because of the drugs they found in her car. So she has to go to Christian club as well under court order. Right. And as though this scene is not insane enough, we see her mom having, I think the most

expositional and least subtle conversation we've heard in any of the movies we've ever watched. It was so fucking painful. So yeah, the mom is just sitting there going like well you're an absentee father so you don't know what she's doing what is she doing risk behaviors of various sorts and increasing numbers it's like something happened six to eleven months ago that has significantly changed her personality I can't I've got to go I've got to go we can't reveal that until the end of act two yeah painful also it was I the only one who noticed that on this in this scene Like is this is like her her getting into the car with her mom and driving off like this is the girl that they just found in a car wreck

But neither of them puts on a seatbelt So then okay, so then we have to get the second Detective Dwyer Russell the cop guy showing up on Brendan So then I okay so then we have to get the second detective Dwyer Russell the cop guy showing up on Brendan so Brendan's about to leave school but detective Dwyer shows up to hassle him a little bit more. In really weird language. Yes, yes. So this is exactly what he said I think I wrote down.

Please. He goes all right Brendan just wants you to know some skater kid cracked up near the park, dropped a couple hits the acid. What? Like accusing him of, it's not clear though, from any, like crimes and drugs are completely foreign

to these writers. They have no, like, some ruffians were squinching, some wana. We found a titration in the park you know what's up with that what? It really is he's he really does go like know anything about that and he's like wait do you think I sold him the drugs or gave him the drugs and he's like I don't know man I don't even really know how someone would crack up from acid I think I mean bad

for I really really don't know what I mean. And then when Brandon's like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Everything you just said is nonsense words. He like gets up in his face and he goes, Hey, you know that guy who killed the Stubbs his son. I don't think you did it. But I think you're just like the guy who did it. Yeah. It's just, but he probably looks just like you. It's a white guy. I'm pretty sure it was a white guy. Again, I am 100% sure this started out with a black character and they were going over that line and the meeting to change us to a white guy and they're like,

see, now it's not racist anymore. Guys, we're killing this. This is a really good choice. This is a really good choice. Yeah, I love too that like they throw in that like, I'm going to see you go in like, you act like you're changed because of all of this Jesus I'm just waiting for someone to challenge you probably towards the end of act two And now it's time to party with Chris's band and this is so okay

So we've already had like the Convoluted contrived meet cute with these two of him, like, showing up when she had the car wreck. Now we have to do that again, because we're going to do the, like, she's in the background breaking up with her boyfriend, and then she goes to walk off, and he offers her a ride. So we've, like, now twice come into it. Like, they already know each other. We don't have to contrive a situation now. Yeah. This felt like the actor, like, in real life had to chase her down, because she forgot she still had lines that day. And he, like, just drove after her. Like, like in real life, had to chase her down, because she forgot she still had lines that day. And he like, just drove after her.

And he's like, get in the car. You had like another page. What are you doing? Just load the camera in the car. It'll be cool. It'll be cool. We'll like it. And he's walking along this like a band-in road

in the woods, and he's like, hey, you want to ride? And she's like, no thanks. I'm going to get murdered by a haunted scarecrow. And he's like, get in the car. OK. Well, I love, and she gets in. And she's basically like, so are you, like, he's getting the car. Okay. Well, I love, and she gets in and she's basically like, so are you like really a hardcore drug kid or do you just love Jesus? Like that's basically the fucking dialogue

we're suffering through. And you remember those pills from earlier? Turns out those were at a roll that she was using to study for a test. Is that ever gonna come up again? No. Will it ever matter? No. Nope.

No, and again, like, you know, if the entire reason for introducing the Adderall is so that she has to have community service so that they have to meet, like, they've already met. We, again, we don't need to continuously contrive new, it'd be like, like, me trying to, like, set up instances where I can run into my wife. Just fucking silly. Fancy meeting you here. You notice this cat over here wants to both look at his butthole. That's crazy, right? What do you do?

Adderall now. What? Why'd you say that? No, I just want to let you know. We know the names of some drugs. So we don't know the slang terms for them, but clinically, we can look dead shit up. Yeah, so they have the, I just want you to know,

I'm better than you conversation in the car. She drops them off and then we have to go back to the school to meet her ex-boyfriend, Zach, who has to come up and kind of warn Brendan off of her. Right, but this, this smack toxin is so fantastic. He's like, Hey, man, never got a thank you for saving my girlfriend's life, bro. And he's like, Oh, yeah, no problem, man. And he's like, Yeah, just make sure that's all you save. Christian. There will be, there is a scene later, there are two scenes later, but one in particular,

along that theme with this character that are among my favorite scenes that we've ever done on this on this fucking show for their random Christian hate. And now we cut to Chris and this scene is so phenomenal. And again, just if you watch the movies along with us I really do want to know if you think that my bet theory is right and that this character was supposed to be black But all of these scenes are super crazy racist if they're black So they just switched a white. They just switched a Jonas brother in at the last moment Because he's on nightchat.com, which is his high school like web page I guess and he sees people

are talking about him, and then Bandcamp Girls shows up, and she's like, hey, look, a lot of people are telling us that you're from a garbage place. And I'm wondering, could you introduce us to like more poor criminal murders so we can like help them as a hobby You mean black people no no no your racist for saying that No, which the rolls we switch the rolls now It's not racist now this movie. Oh god that makes so much fucking sense that explains so much if this was just a racist ramp They got turned white at the last minute. But I love too, because he's like, you know, like, oh, you're asking if I want to go back to the place where I know how to get all the drugs that I'm addicted to.

And she's like, oh, yeah, didn't think of that. But as she's leaving, she goes, I just want you to know, Brendan, we believe in you. And I wanted so bad for him to say, you know, that's sweet, but you guys believe in a talking donkey. So well, really, you know, I'm statistics say nine out of 10 chances. You're going to murder me. So I'm, I'm just saying. I want to get Brandon. Yeah.

So, but then, but I guess he gets to thinking on it on her proposal ish thing. Um, so then we get him talking to the dad, the foster dad, uh, about whether he should go back and try to help his old community. Yeah, and the dad's like, well, you need to do a cost benefit analysis. And I was like, yeah, I'd ask that nerdy girl what's in it for me too, but he was going in different directions. So I just want to say I miss for a second me and this dad were on exactly the same page. And then unfortunately, we separated. Yeah. So he's like, you learned about cost benefit analysis and economics class yet. I'm like,

I would certainly hope so he's 18. Well, and even if he didn't, those are self-explanatory work. Everybody knows the work's cost and benefit, right? They tell me about opportunity cost too, which was kind of weird. Yeah, he goes like, we also pay for what we don't do. And then he goes, I know, I know, but we're gonna need a tagline. And this is basically all we've got.

So, and this. I thought he was gonna start talking about bumper crops for a second, I was worried. Yeah, I just wouldn't have brought up opportunity cost there, like the opportunity cost of talking about doing good things for two hours every Sunday instead of actually doing good things for those two hours. And as ignoring the horrible bigot stuff they also talk about and do. Yeah, right, right.

Statistics, opportunity cost, not the kind of things you want to dwell on in Christian movies. And I love to, at the end of all of this, they're trying it's it's supposed to be the you know fatherly figure giving them good fatherly advice or whatever but the end he goes why don't you pray on it you know nothing like set aside rationality when you're making a tough decision and just doing whatever random thing pops into your head that you wanted to do anyway have you tried thinking but instead of just like working it out you pretend that your own head voice is magic.

I'm a stats guy too. And we also learn in this scene that what the high school fundraiser is going to be is a bachelor, bachelor ret auction. And maybe I'm wrong here because the only other one I've ever heard of is the one in Groundhog's day, but I always got like a Fun wink wink nudge nudge prostitution vibe out of a bachelor bachelor at all Like I always assumed that it was like you get to go on a day on that person and maybe the fuck yeah Was that is that not a bachelor bachelor? I feel like I shouldn't tell you the correct answer And I just let you now I feel very affiliated that of tell you the correct answer.

I just let you know I feel very affiliated about the amount that I bid on that bachelor. And I understand the violent reaction he had to my advances. Okay, a lot makes more sense now. Also, I just want to say that like if you did this anywhere but the high school that I went to, the idea that high school kids would be listed as bachelor's and bachelor rats would be a little odd. Well, it's not as bad as you guys are saying. You're purchasing the person. It's not.

Yeah. You were making out. Well, but no, but at the end, if they volunteer to let you drive an owl through their ear and the door jam, I think you get to keep them. So it's moral. Yeah. But no, okay, but I don't know what that's a reference to, but I think you get to keep them. So it's moral. Yeah, but okay, but I don't know what that's a reference to, but I want you to know I am into it. Yeah.

You got to excuse me. My mic is now tilted away from me because my boner lifted my desk. Bible porn is the best porn. So yeah, so, so so but she's basically saying like hey I want to get out of this Jesus club as fast as I can how can I do more community service hours and she's like well You know I'm driving with your love interest into the city later on today to go to a rough neighborhood read black neighborhood And that would probably Count towards your hours for some reason

that makes no sense. That's exactly what I wrote in my notes. Brandon's gonna take us to the getter to help out with the, you know, the thing. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, so she goes off with them to Jesus together and they pull up at this old crack house. Now, this is the house, I guess,

where he was living when they got raided, but he just walks in, right? Doesn't like no knowledge of whether anybody lives there or still sells drugs there. It's just Stephen Avery standing there over a dead body. Oh, cool. We'll just back up slowly. I didn't do this. I wanted him so badly to walk into the living room and turn to the Christian club and be like, okay, guys, remember, blowies are 20. We're the condom 50 without no exceptions. Because what this turns out to be is a field trip to where his friend died. Well, that's it.

Okay. So yeah, he apparently has just driven them out there to deliver exposition. And they asked for people to help, not a scared straight talk, which is what he gives them. He's like, you know, I used to kill man every day. It's such a different crack in the alley. I'd eat my own vomit out of a dog bone. They're like, oh, fun!

Should we clean up this house and turn it into a community center and he's like, sure, you know a good place that removes blood? No, by sheer doubt, I'm a high school student. And she just told us this at the school and shown us on Zillow or something. No, we had to go here. We actually had to head right into this name. And it's so ridiculous. Apparently, nobody's touched this place in like three years since the police raid. There's literally, there's still a blood stain of his dead friend on the floor that he points out. And the it's supposed to be messy in there. There's like all this furniture,

but it's just like halfway tipped over like, did you do it there to make this happen? Why would that happen during a police raid? Why would there be furniture at weird 45 degree angles? Like modern art on the ground. And you tip all of the tables. I want all the tables tipped. Yeah.

And then we get this crazy moment before the scene ends, which is insane. Like, look, there's lots of moments where a kid goes into an old house and it's like, guys, let's clean it up and we'll make it new again. And everyone's like, yeah, but then the scene continues with everyone being like, wait, but how does house buying work? And someone's like, I think it's back taxes. I mean, I would have to see if the leases transferred to the government. I want it Andrew to pop up and just be like, okay, okay well there's a couple of forms they need to do this and

it's like uh... as we have become an LLC for this but we're getting taxed as an escrow and no we are getting taxed as an escrow by went over this with you out of the forty five minutes of the boring minutia of these kids we actually get quite a bit of that yeah well and then also i love to that they like all sit around after they like come up with a great

idea of renovating the house and they're like, oh, is that even possible? And one of them goes like, what's impossible for man is possible for God. And I'm like, I don't feel like home renovation really falls into that category. Like basically, if Bob Vila can do it, it doesn't qualify as a divine power, just as a general rule. I wanted so badly for them to do a TLC extreme homemaker, but they just leave it to God. And they're like,

Moose, and the house is exactly the same. Fuck you, God. Fuck you. Well, we hurt you like horses and we thought God would make you a horse room, but turns out he was busy. God made us still a crack house alright we'll figure something out and i just want to point out at this

point in the movie we are thirty six minutes in there are no stakes there is no conflict and there is no plot so anyway so we we we show he's back like chatting with the foster dad with this and this is where Natalie shows up for meet cute number four again they're acting like these two characters have never met before in this scene. But there's this amazingly creepy moment with dad here he goes look you know kid as long as you work hard God will provide and then Natalie walks over and he goes speaking of God goddamn boy. All right, I'm gonna get out of here. She's a child. Certainly didn't stop me.

Yeah, but she is so inspired, I guess, by his story that she's been like unable to sleep trying to think of ways that they could fund buying this, uh, the house. And she's like, you know, thinking thinking about your your life story and i was thinking maybe we could you know or at some high school kids and he's like and i want to be so badly be like now man i've done that trust me it's a whole thing you gotta catch them

blackout you see the movie mystic river it's a pain and i'm trying to keep going up but of course and like at the end of this scene we see that the evil van of people are there again uh... course at the end of this scene we see that the evil van of people are there again Here at the school yard Eli is waiting in a van at the school parking lot Oh That and then in the movie and then in the movie Headed this out working and it is

So I also love my music note here is, these people are bad, so there's rap music when we see them. Oh, my music note was, you better be careful. Eli's gonna sick the vultures of horror on you. It should have switched it out to Eminem, make the movie let, yeah. Yeah, there you go, wouldn't be so racist to that. So he walks over to the van and they start talking

to Eli and his crew. And Eli has a Chinese symbol tattoo next to his eye Which I thought was excellent. I think it means teardrop in Mandarin But what we really have to learn here is that Eli is gonna rape Natalie to death if Brendan doesn't tell him where the Mugafan is You know because he's like, where is that treasure chest full of drugs. I don't know about a treasure chest full of drugs. Well, then there is nothing going on in this movie at all. So how can we accept that? You must. So yeah. And, and then we go to this scene where they're like following up on the, on the house that they want to buy, where they're like, they're all watching him call the county of clerk's office. Yeah. and picture this moment in the writing room

Where they turn to each other and they go well what happens next? I mean I feel like the audience is gonna want to see him call the county clerk's office and find out how much the house costs and how that Paperwork would be achieved but like we only hear his side of the phone call and they were like good thinking Brian good thinking here his side of the phone call and they were like good thinking brine good thinking pat for closed crack house real estate hotline this is brennan uh... what

it's thirty five hundred dollars what he finds out here this very large houses on sale for thirty five hundred dollars and that's bad news to these people well right what the fuck did they expect because he goes like it's going to be thirty five and the one kid goes thirty five dollars and i'm like no it's thirty five thousand you jackass and i go like don't thirty five hundred i'm like oh well holy shit this is supposed to be a large building on avenue d or somewhere near there in Brooklyn and let that's an amazing price yeah exactly let me just go buy that

neighborhood holy shit they're like you know guys? Last year our fundraiser raised exactly $3,500. And I was like, really? You should make fun of some people. Try handing out insults. You much better than that. Give Tom and Cecil a call. You said, charity is not a virtue. So meanwhile, back at home with the foster foster parents we are learning that mom does nothing but Like there are two phases she has in this movie doing flowers and giving tower expressions She sometimes combines those two things But she's always always doing at least one of them at this point She's doing both so that we can have the scene where dad wants her to get back to work and get over her son's death already

Yeah, but she would rather talk about Brendan and his sorted past right and the way he approaches this is he's like You know, I know you love your garden But maybe you could come back to school or church, you know church I love to she's like well that kid though. He scares too, she's like, well, that kid though, he scares me. And she's like, he's like, well, he left that world behind. The day he was saved. And I'm like, you guys still want to talk about recidivism rates in your movie?

You brought that up earlier. Well, she brings it up. What this is what's so absurd? She goes like, oh, is he magically better now in the husband's like, yeah, that's not thing. No, that's not worse. Read the script woman. That's like the whole concept,

not just the script, but like the book and it's all based on the magic of the infinite principle. The whole infrastructure around this, I don't see it hard to grow as a person. So now it's time for Zach to establish himself a little bit further as a mini boss. This is where Zach runs into Brennan. So Brennan's job is to cut the lawn at the at the school or whatever. So and Zach is

the star football player. So he runs into him while he's working. Let's just say in air quotes working on the lawn. Well, yeah, he's just vaguely waving a wrench near a more than nothing. You bang with these. This is a banger, right? Yeah, perfect. So Zach shows up in his football gear. And this actor has no idea why he's wearing a large suit of armor. He's very confused by this.

Ernst, is Zach a knight? Yeah, Zach's a knight. Get out there. Just say your line. And his lines are he's offended about Natalie doing charity work. Is that the problem? I do. Yes.

Yes. Again, all of Zach's motivation is so weird because all the things you think Zach's going to be bothered by, he instead very clearly explicitly states he's bothered by something that no one should be bothered by. He's like, Hey, man, I used to be a criminal. We don't take kindly to reformed types around here. And then, and then Brandon's like, good, you shouldn't. And he's like, good. Are you sure this isn't about me having sex with your girlfriend?

Are you sure that's not? No, man, no, it's totally, I have a different motivation. I think community service programs are harmful especially ones that are based in religion i think they can play learning and recidivism with a religious background that's the you out back uh... so then of course we have to go to the rebuilding the house montage again we've seen twenty six hundred of these

and at this point like he comes across the well like during this montage he comes across the foosball table that uh... the cop was trying to get the dead sons foosball table and i thought oh i guess at the end this will be in their charity house and i'm like no i'm thinking this through more so than they were way more also way more music note for this montage hey there delilah i'm an irritating christian uh...

wanted so badly for one of these kids while they're cleaning to come out with a plastic bag full of teeth and be like, where do these go and Brandon just be like, that's mine! That's mine! Yeah, so we're listening to take up the Christian man's burden by Creed and the fix and the house. And this was so weird, this tiny little thing, but there's a high-end ergonomic kneeling chair that they got in the crack. Yeah, what? So weird. And plenty of other, like, really nice furniture. Why are they just throwing it out? I have no idea. Also, one of the things, and I know this is like a big movie trip. I know this type of scene requires a paint roller at some point, but there's no reason to paint any of these walls. The house was pretty much fine.

Yeah, no, but you have to have like somebody has to get some paint on their nose. Oh, giggle, giggle. My own personal pet fee, but whenever they, and this isn't just Christian movies, this is all movies, but whenever anyone's painting, they always just show someone rolling one spot on the wall, they're not doing it right. Try's me fucking crazy. Yeah, I mean literally all they needed to do is just tip all the furniture back into normal position and just

unglu the weird position of the furniture. They're all set. We're in a vacuum through there maybe. So now we go to him chatting with Natalie in the park, drawing on her cast. And this is where she has this like you're an orphan how did your parents die moment and he goes like drugs and sin Satan. I honestly if this character just gone you know I would have been like sure thanks. I appreciate your directness. Yeah, the dialogue is just so horrible. She's like, all right, so what happened to your crack family?

Sorry, sorry, that was so. So what's the worst thing you ever did? He's like, not murder. He's like, okay, well, now it's clearly murder. I was, I'm not gonna. Now I think you're murder. I wrote in my notes when she was like, what's the worst thing you ever did?

I wanted to be like oh, I raped this kid. I RAPE This kid I My notes number one on my list of questions to never ask Eli. Yeah Fun fact Yeah, it's so weird cuz she like wanders off he goes like I never killed anybody and she huffs off like oh Well, I gotta go. I was planning on you hiring you to assassinate my dad, but now that's gonna be super awkward Or like she's going like oh, I'm sorry

I thought we were all murderers up in here didn't realize you were such a lightweight Yeah, and literally like the scene is played in a way and this is gonna pay off so beautifully Oh, yeah, he's playing away. He's like well, I never murdered anybody and she's like Mm-hmm. I've got to go And I wrote my notes because I hadn't seen this movie. I was like wait, did she murder someone? Did she and this is what I thought it's not gonna turn out to be true. I thought she had murdered the cop son That's my that was my theory and it will and up until it gets revealed she enforces that theory and I was loving this.

Okay. There's some minor changes that could really improve this movie. So yeah, so now she's trying to avoid him. So we have the first of our awkward her and Zach moments. This is by far just a tease to what we're eventually going to get. But this is like, you know, the part where she runs into him and he's mad at her for breaking up with him, but mostly for also becoming a Christian. Yeah, for hanging out with those Christians, it's so stupid.

Like, how bigger they are, they're bigger than me? Are the Christians bigger than me? You're a fear tell me. What? It's so good and then we cut to Eli and the crew Staking out the Christian volleyball intermural tournament I know guys you just need to know where Brandon hit his stuff. You don't need to like follow him around and watch him I wanted so badly for one of the guys in the car to be rooting for a team like oh my god come on

That's fucking bullshit man. that's clearly on the line. It's bullshit. They brought that someone's dad is the rep there. Hey, man, we supposed to be watching, Brenda, I'm just, we've been here for an hour and a half. I got into this now. Yeah, just this idea of these five fucking black tattooed gangsters in a dark van watching Christian teens play volleyball.

It seems like cops show up for this. Well, and just don't show the terrible volleyball. You guys right? So many illegal handsets with so much spin, they're double touching everything. Very frustrating. Just go to the next team. Bingo. So and then of course, like in the next scene, this is where like he's walking away and

Zach has to like, fuck him up. He goes like, Hey man, what are you trying to do to my girlfriend? Save her soul. That's the actual line. And we're all like, no, that's, do you really think that's what he was trying to do? Oh, Zach, I got some bad news for you, buddy. Also, here's what's so incredible between Eli and Zach and Zach's friends. Like a third of this local town showed up to follow around Brandon. Like I just picture

our crowd of people, the cop, everyone's just like, are you often following Brandon? Oh my god. Well, you got to get in the Facebook group following Brandon on Facebook. I'll add you. I'll add you. The admins are really cool. They take troll posts down pretty quickly. Yeah. So this is where like Zach is about to beat him up. He's like, I'm not scared of your tats and your thug signs again, actual line. He's like, you know, and now that it's just, you know, you and me and my two buddies, how tough are you? And this is of course what Eli shows up with a gun. God, i've said that so many fucking times in my life but this time it's not as bad of news yeah now we're not describing it to andrew set

yeah exactly so i he listens to this show we are but yeah so he like shows up pulls a gun on zack and uh... like scarism offer whatever and uh... how is this part of the plot this makes no sense why would Eli pull the gun on doesn't matter yeah really doesn't matter why would this not affect that why would Zach not report this to the police like why does that go home and he's just like that was a terrible day this man held a gun to my face I think I'll tell

no one and never act on it we're waiting there in line a whole bunch of us ready to hang out with Brandon or whatever. He called me, pulled a gun on me, it was unbelievable. Well, I love too, because he's like Eli at the end of this, he turns back to Brandon, he goes, you don't get it, man. They're never going to accept you out here. I'm like, that is so gangster of him to say that. It's all about acceptance.

Yeah. And at one point here e-mail threatens brandon or whatever he says you didn't think we knew about your bible club fixing up barold crack house obviously i couldn't be a secret it's right there they live these are real plot points none of the head that you can't just make up conflict but again it brings up the question

how much time does Eli spend watching Brandon? Like, because we didn't even see that scene. So we're just supposed to assume Eli was in a different crack house with binoculars. Look at that mother fucker. Revolving the chain. Two coats. I was doubted. County clerk's office the other day and you would not believe what he's filed for.

Those flower pots are gonna attract birds. You're gonna get a nest. You got to hang them lower. So now we're treated to the musical styleings of a drunk 16 year old whose guitar is not improving his chances of getting late at this party while we look back in on the school. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, music, no, let's get all the kids at this church lock in nice and quiet before we do the call to alter yeah right so yes so christ catches up with brand to tell him that you know his band is

playing at the charity auction and that's a big deal apparently and it was because the other band dropped out and i wanted so badly for him to be like yeah some black guy threatened them with a gun. It's just Eli going around town doing favors So yeah, so but the key on this scene is that this is the scene where Eli is gonna Fuck Chris up to get revenge on Brendan for not telling him where the treasure chest full of drugs was So like Chris gets on his bike to head home from school and then like the van like falls in behind him. Yeah, they follow him.

He's on a bike. They're following at bike speed in a van. Nobody's gonna find that weird that they're just waiting for, and then like the line of other people, I don't know. I wanted to see where the like van is hiding behind a bush and then Chris was Oh, so funny. Just remember nothing sends a message like hitting someone's friend with a van. So if

you don't like the stuff I tweet, remember, no one he both live in Pennsylvania, secretly our Pennsylvania. And start running over people in Pennsylvania. You'll get to us eventually. So yeah, but that's their plan. They're gonna run him over, but because this movie couldn't afford the stunt money there, we just like, you hear the engine rev up and then we cut to the emergency room. And the cop is there because he's the only cop in town.

Exactly. Yeah. And he is assumed that this was purposeful. So he's like, you get a look at the guys and it's like wait Why isn't any consideration being made that this might have been like an accidental hit and run? I wanted so badly for the cop to be like one more question did Brandon do this? Yeah

Yeah, the cops asking these like leading questions about the bad guys But he's clearly trying not to sound racist because Mr. Stubbs is there and he's a black character now. Would you describe them as the people who easily sunburned or the opposite? If these people who attacked you were watching a horror movie, would they warn the characters on the screen to go in there and uh... and this is fairly important to go to the cop so now brennan is there at all all the characters in the movie are there around

chris or whatever and the cop says a well you know we had a couple of reports of a suspicious black vans in at the school driving away really faster whatever now of course brennan knows who that is at this point raising a must of many like he does not tell the cop oh you know what I know exactly who ran this guy over and where he lives yeah there's never going to be a reason why he didn't do that no everything that happens from this point on I don't see everything that's happened up to this point but everything that happens but from this point on is because he's just being a dick.

And now we cut to him in the school lawn mower shed, uh, making a shank. And I wrote my notes, hey, Brandon, bud, you can like have or steal a knife now, bud. You don't need to make shanks at a random piece as a medal anymore. Yeah. You got a kitchen now, pal. Also, this is where Natalie comes in, and they're about to have the third greatest scene in all of cinema history. But I want it so badly for her to sneak up behind him

and for him to accidentally stab her. The rest of this is just comedy shenanigans while he tries to hide her body. You're so much better at making movies than these people. Yeah, but okay, and by the way, if you're wondering, you know, what this shank is about, just go ahead and keep wondering that. There will never be a reason why he was making either. Just like, what could he be doing when she comes up? It's all hard and prison-y making a shank.

Yeah. All-con-trair Noah, that will come back. That shank very much will come back. We'll get to it. All right. Yeah, I'm pretty curious where that will be. So yeah, so Natalie shows up to apologize to him for his friend getting hit by a van or whatever.

And we have this weird like Half-ass apology scene, but we don't know what anyone's apologizing for there They seem to be thinking like you know we're 45 minutes into the movie You can assume that these these couple has had some trouble off screen at some point now And then and it's gotten awkward or maybe it was a sex thing, maybe shot off on her thigh, or whatever, but they seem to think they're resolving a conflict that I don't know where aware of. No, it's just her walking away from the scene

when he said, I never murdered anybody. And I wanna read my notes in order here because she's like, look, when you said that you never murdered anybody, and this is when I'm like, oh my God, she murdered the cops son. she murdered the cop son. So then he runs after her and this is literally my notes. So what happens is she goes, look,

I got pregnant last year and I wrote in my notes in order, okay, okay. Oh no. Oh yes, please yes. Yes, it's abortion regret! That is her secret! Yes, that's the reveal. He hasn't killed anybody, but she has. It's an abortion movie.

It's like an hour of misdirection, but now it's an abortion movie. And that's a good magic trick. None of us saw that coming no I thought she killed the stubs his son Yeah, you're going deep into this and didn't see it coming. Yeah, and of course she's regretted it ever since just like Almost all women don't so and also this is an actual line now He wanders up and she starts giving this confession or whatever and he just kind of stares like I can't believe that these are actual lines of this fucking movie and she says to him at one point she says but please don't tell me faith can fix me because I've cut myself off from

God forever. Just randomly throws that out in the middle of her monologue. Yeah I haven't said anything in this scene yet. I just ran after you. They don't tell me to think of a number between one and 10 because it's four. We both know it's four. So now that this movie has started to fulfill, it's promised of being damaging as well as horrible.

I'm confident enough to take a break, but before we do, let me give act three, the hard sound. Will Eli find the thing he thinks Brendan knows where it is I think is what he was trying to do originally will the thing with the house factor into the plot at all or was it just filler does anybody know if that actress playing Natalie has started doing porn yet find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the meandering conclusion of Kings Faith Yo, brin brin

What what is a no dream yo? What are you guys doing here? We're here to talk about the money dog Wait, what just how long are you guys watching me sleep just now? I don't know A couple hours may sleep like an angel dog. I feel like I wash a world of worries pass across your brow just now Okay, that that that's creepy what a man only creepy thing about us is we gonna be creeping on you if you don't get us our money Dog we know tuck up liquor cane weed booze no What no you know like poor no also he has some of them pumpkin spice Oreos in there rose if you will look guys I don't know I'm not man I'm here now I saw

you sleep dog I saw you toss and turn and when your forehead grew hot, I cooled it with the touch of my lips. You sleep like a man troubled. That's seriously man. Yeah, man. They know true itself than the one that has escaped the mortal world and dances among the stars of dream, man. Oh, okay. We're going to go. Come on, man.

This was supposed to be a scarier thing. Let me know though. If you remember where a tuck kept this Batman comics though, all right? Yeah. No problem. Good to see you guys, I guess. Yeah, so, uh, sorry, I thought like, ate nothing scarier than love the day of show with face.

You gotta cut it out, Rish. You just need to listen to me next time. Damn. Mwah. Hey, Brandon. Oh, man, not again. Uh, hello, officer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You say goodbye. I say hello. Hey Brandon. Oh man, not again. Uh, hello officer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say goodbye, I say hello. So look, last night, little old lady gets her grocery slips on the ice. Bam, lands on a reefer. You know anything about that? Uh, I'm sorry, she landed on a reefer.

Oh, you're sorry? Why are you sorry if you didn't do anything, huh? You slip her the pills, huh? Was it you selling the reefer pills,ing toks sweet dank dams, huh? We you token on dabs No, just None of that is real you're just like me a liar now. I don't like being called a liar brand Let me get one thing straight you committed crimes You know what that makes you makes you a machine. You hear that? That's a crime alarm

Choo-choo all aboard the crime train population you Brandon you I I have you know what I thought you play fantasy football Brandon No, I don't okay. Well, you know I got on my roster this week. I got Darcia'll Clampton I got Treeshawne keeping on and a bag of wet peanuts. I know numbers. What? What's happening here? I just want you to know.

I've got my eye on you, Brandon. See the red robin, that is, if you're a chicken. And we're back for more breakdown and we're gonna start with mom hanging sheets on the clothesline just like nobody has done in 50 years when suddenly Eli comes up from behind or not our Eli the in the movie the character named Eli comes up from behind her though to be fair her reaction makes a lot more sense if it was me Eli coming up behind her. She is terrified of black people. Yeah, just randomly, like he just shows up and he's just like, Brandon around and she's like, Oh my god, you're so black. Okay. Okay. Take it all.

Take all the laundry. He's like helping her for all the laundry. Like, unless you know this character is the movie's villain, there is no reason for her to not be like no Brandon's not around are you one of his friends from faith club nice face tattoo and then he has this weird monologue where he goes look criminals are like stray dogs there's not enough TLC on the planet and I wrote my notes I agree how awesome was no scrubs right and I wrote my notes, I agree. How awesome was no scrubs, right? And one of them died in a car accident. Beyoncé.

And that's the first time I think my inaccuracies will have pissed off a large percentage of my female listeners. I have an equal opportunity offender. There you go. And then we got to cut back to Brendan and Natalie being natalie being all white and boring like the scene opens their sit in the car and and and natalie goes my mom has this vision of what she wants me to be and i'm like if it's not naked acrobat i'm checking out of this conversation

my mom wants me not to be a baby murderer but i am dammit i am a baby murder and then she kisses him. Well, okay, but I want to point out because they're like really trying to harp on this whole, oh, her life was ruined because she had an abortion thing. But now we've basically admitted that it's not that she has a problem with having had the abortion. It's that her mom's religion has an issue with it

and it's driven a wedge between her and her mother and I'm like, that's a problem with your mom's religion not abortion Yeah, right read Freakonomics you're helping the economy But yeah, I guess all this abortion talk got her all turned on so she kisses him. She's like you don't worry I abort you know, yeah, I don't even have to wear a condom yeah, Zach pulls back and I'm like dude She broke up with her boyfriend. She puts out get yours. What what you get so much puts in jail you don't need any of that uh... i also love to the the camera catches him the actor doing a very obvious

tech check as she like pulls away and you just like the actor has the oh my god boobies oh my god boobies look on his face so much so anyway so yeah so we we we linger with like he drops her off and we linger with her long enough to emphasize that her and her mom have a complicated relationship well she walked in and she was like mom and I wanted Eli to be in the kitchen so bad ladies like making himself a cup of tea well hello there do you know where Brandon is I am omnipresent the secret of this movie is that I have a twin

I don't know why Eli's been Carson. I did just suddenly became I just miss him So I guess Brendan finds out that Eli's been around like fucking around with his Fossure mom or whatever so he calls up Eli's like meet me at the cemetery because that would be a creepy place for us to meet, you know, make a point. Meet me at Tux Grave. And they meet at Tux Grave and I wanna be so badly to be like, we buried it with Tux, we gotta dig him. Hahaha.

Yeah, so yeah, they meet at the cemetery so the gangster can wax philosophical about gangster shit. And the plan here, Brendan's gonna talk Eli into being a Christian instead of a drug dealer at the cemetery. That seems to be his plan, yeah. And it doesn't work. Yeah, and instead they beat the shit out of him,

which I'm very happy about. Yeah, well, it also, okay, they beat him up right after he says the line, like, he goes, I promise Eli, there's a hope so great it changed me and it can change you and then they beat the fuck out of him I'm like yes I've wanted to reach through every movie where someone says something like that beat the fuck out of me You're doing it for me. So but of course we don't get to watch him get beat up the the screen just blacks out And then we have to cut to foster mom waking up to the sound of Brendan being unconscious in the yard.

Yeah, she goes, you hear that sound? It sounds like Brendan isn't home by curfew, wait. Wait, wait. He's on the lawn. All right, and then we get like one of the most contrived and weird bizarre motivations in this entire fucking movie, right? Because they come outside, the foster parents do do and he's all beat to fuck and She's like I'm gonna call 911 and the dad goes no don't call 911. They'll put him away. Is there a law?

What against getting the fuck beat out of you in this universe? What are they worried it's gonna happen like it said bruise on your face Came to this hospital you had crack underground i'm like you had a crack underground crack somewhere so and then of course the next day like early in the morning well dad is sleeping at his side mom's calling detective dweyer to tell him about that bloody kid on her lawn like a bitch yeah she's knocking him out yeah she doesn't want to have a dying kid in her garage. Like a like a bitch. Well, she's an atheist now because God murdered her son.

And that's why she's being a bitch about the whole thing. Oh, well, I understand her, her bitchery, she has lost touch with Jesus. Yeah, I just don't get why they can't go to the hospital. Yeah, actually, atheists don't believe in hospitals because we can't see them the hospital. Exactly. Atheists don't believe in hospitals because we can't see them damn it. Well, and this is such a weird fucking scene. All right, this is one of those moments where clearly they just like control, feed in some Christian discussion because during the middle of talking about like he's like,

you know, he's like, we have to help the kid and she's like, why did God let my son die? And he's like, oh, I didn't even bring the keys. I don't even have them out of my pocket yet. That was, you've got to jingle these keys. We've got to jingle these keys. And she's like, no, everything is chaos. Look at this book.

It just fell together. The word fell out to the kids. It's okay. And this is where she also says that she's turned, that God turned her back on God, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that was amazing take that commoto dragon uh... moms like uh... you know maybe the only answer is that there is no answer to which dad says look we can turn away from this kid or we can turn to him and i'm like are we back on that conversation now the pages stick together in the script what the fuck just happened

you have a feeling that during this movie a lot of people yelled keep rolling yeah yeah so the undertony are what we're supposed to be learning is if you lose your faith there's no reason to help people what we're actually learning is if you lose your faith there's no reason to deny a child proper medical care when they need it then we get a little bit of dad trying to bandage Brendan with scratch tape, which obviously is not going to work very well. And then he walks outside, dad does, and he sees Eli's van in his driveway and he kind of starts to chase, but Eli drives away.

Why is he there in the, why is Eli there in the real estate? Yeah, exactly. He's spying useful here. Well, especially visibly in the, why is Eli? Yeah, exactly. I was spying useful here. Well, especially visibly in the van that they know. Yeah, at least spying, but any spying makes no sense. Now guys, I want to make sure when we beat him up and we left him on the lawn, let's go check and see if he's still there.

Yeah. You know what, I feel like we didn't, there wasn't any internal bleeding. We didn't really, we didn't know our best guys come on right and uh... melting to any clever like chases the card on a one of the so badly to just be like we can rebuild him shimmy ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Natalie knows now is that that Brendan got the fuck beat out of him so she goes to confront Zach to see if he's the one that beat Brendan up and this conversation over and over again I'm just going back 30 seconds back 30 seconds what am I missing here? Exactly Zach's supposed to kind of be a bad guy right but he's making a great point

about religion right he's, you're a crazy person. And then you read the Bible, you become a crazy person with a God rationale, which is extremely dangerous. This should be on a bingo card. This should be one of our bingo squares. Bad guy making a great point about how religion is dangerous and seen. That's the right. Right. Absolutely. And she doesn't respond to anything close to the words that come out of his face No, he's like look these people use God as an excuse to clean the slate But they're still the person they were they're just a person they were with an idea of being high and mightier than thou and she's like I don't even like sandwiches

Like an actual line in this and this is this made its way to the preview probably the greatest line in the movie she goes What do you have a problem with that he's a convicted felon or that he has a relationship with God? What like first of all that's not an either or you can have a problem with both of those things and he's like the first one Definitely the This amazing moment he goes look. he's just got this God thing and she goes, God's not a thing. God's not a thing. He's super duper serial.

Okay. Her actual line of stop calling it a thing, it's not a thing to him. It's a way of life. And I'm like a way of life is a thing. That's still a noun. Well, it's a kind of a way of thing. So yeah, so as she's walking away, he calls out, you sound like a Bible

thumper for no god damn reason. To which he responds, I'd rather sound like someone else than you. Boom, gotcha. Good. My. The writers room with that, that must have just been a placeholder. They were like like I'd rather be someone else than him okay yeah the actors could just accidentally do better than

that I'm sure yeah she might as well read bracket at the front of the back of the so mom heels Brendan a little more and this scene is very odd because I think what we're supposed to be getting out of this scene is that like she's starting to care for him and feel maternal about him but what like she's playing as she wants to fuck this kid all this is how i would treat xx wounds that's very strange uh... yeah and then now of course uh... russle shows up again for breakfast because he's just in the habit

of showing up at their house in the morning. Yeah, well, his line, again, this is so clumsily written, it's beautiful. He goes, hey, I was just passing by and I smelled that omelet. Um, and I have some and she, and she, without a moment's hesitation, is like absolutely. And he's like, so you call my office collar IDs the thing and she's like all right right I knew you didn't just smell an omelette as you drove your way to work as a police officer yeah and mom and dad dad gets in on the live for a second too and they're horrible at it So the cops super suspicious as he should be because they're acting like

Is there acting like there's a woman putting lotion in the basket downstairs? Right it's terrible. Yeah, yeah, and there's an amazing again terribly written movie But really worth it for all of these moments They linger too long after the lie and I want to know so badly to be like Do you guys play fantasy football? Right? Right? Yeah, Deixon lockins this year.

Been on the bench the whole time. You can believe it. Well, did you say Watkins? Was that the last name? Because that's the last name of fantasy football relevant player. And it's totally what I mean. That's been on the bench the entire year pretty much. Yeah, I know quite a bit.

You should let me play. Yeah. All right. All right, well, before we get finished that, entire year pretty much yeah i know quite a bit you should let me play me ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha charity house that the these kids have not yet purchased just to be the bad guys like I don't even understand what their motivation is now. How is this helpful? And also this drug dealer gang doesn't have 3500 dollars to fucking buy it or another one like it, nothing? Am right. Yeah, I have no idea. Eli's motivation seems to just be destroying the things that brand in likes.

Like knocks an ice cream. realize motivation seems to just be destroying the things that brand in likes like a nox and ice cream. I hear you like rum raisin. He just pulls out a gallon and throws it in the garbage. We did. Tell me where the big box of drugs is. And of course, like in the background, there's the thunder claps that are just screaming. There is no such thing as over the top, according to this director. And apparently a band in house in the ghetto burns down is breaking news in this town. So they see that in the morning over breakfast. Well, again, she can't just tell him which she's exactly about to do. And she walks in, it goes breaking news. The house that Brandon's been fixing up was burned down by the bad

guy last night and turn off the TV and then she And then she goes instead of like so who almost beat you to death she goes hey Someone burned down your club house You want snack? I was just writing like I can't believe I'm gonna spend another half hour of my life on this goddamn movie Wow, and this is also the post sex scene with mom. He like walks at wakes up. He's like smoking a cigarette. He slaps around the ass.

What's going on? She's like your house burned out. All right. Well, yeah. And I love to because they have to have to have the scene where he like goes to see the burned out show of a house, but they clearly could not afford to like burn out a house. So they just put some black paint. Not it's just CGI burn black paint not it's just cgi burn marks because it's identical house looks like e-l i dressed as a chimney sweep yes

not really but why not just skip that scene we know that the house burned down will get it so yeah and also okay so now i guess like you know he's turned his corner or whatever so he's loading shovels up into his car when natalie comes across now natalie shows up and he's loading multiple shovels into his car she does not even mention that fact yes she's like where you going to think no there's help my friend adnan take care of a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha had non take care of it. Oh shit, I love it.

So yeah, so she's bought him a cross necklace because he Jesus is so much, but he's mad at her or something still from where remember when we didn't know what was going on. It's still going on. Yeah, also Christian movie bingo. Like, I feel like we definitely need to add this to the card. Woman gets a man a very feminine piece of jewelry but Christians don't know the difference between like a cross for man and across this very clearly from Kays jewelers. Yeah and I guess what we're supposed to be getting from this scene is that like he's running off the people that are close to him so that they won't get hurt too. But what how it actually comes across is

forget about me Natalie. I'm too brooding and complex. Yeah, I wrote my notes. You should be scared of me. Look how bad I got the shit kicked out of me. I'm dangerous. I can kick the shit out of myself at any moment. So then in the following scene we got the poppestub, the foster dad, showing up in his room, again, just put a lock on that motherfucker, and he's like packing all his stuff up, so like poppestub is all worried about him, like, what the hell are you doing, kid? And this is where we learn that this entire time, he did know where the secret money and drugstash was. And liquor. And liquor and liquor and yeah right

really nice bottle of sky vodka in there so he got his body hit by the van for no purpose which is so that so that he could like go get a truck full of heroin when he needed I don't I like he didn't want the hair he just wanted to keep the heroin off the street. Yeah, okay, first of all, like I love this idea, this concept that you can just keep drugs good forever underground. Like yeah, like they've had weed buried in the ground for three years.

That's gonna be some great weed y'all. Right. And drug dealing gangs generally have other ways of getting drugs besides underground yes besides taking up treasures that you've been in those that meeting where they were like look Eli what do we just you know raise them money and go by some more different drugs and he's like no no no though we follow this motherfucker around until we find the drugs that we are looking for but like the gas in this man man we could already bought all that harrow and i just feel like

i feel like we're going backwards here man yeah and and and then we have this just bizarre conversation between the dad and this and and the kid you know where he's like you know trying to give him his whole like uh... you know what they like paternal wisdom moment or whatever, but all the advice he gives him is just completely in actionable random Bible quote, shit. Yeah, he's just like, you got to let God fight for you. And I was like, is this like a cousin named God

who's actually gonna go beat up Eli? This is confusing. He also keeps talking about it like, you don't know what you can become. And for a moment I fantasize that like Brendan can go super saying and I was really into that no I was thinking maybe that was that was where the where pit bull thing would come in but now yeah oh that would be great yeah dad's telling him to not use logic and reason to solve this just have

faith god's gonna fix it also the logical thing is for you to talk to the police that's is right right so at the very end of this whole long Babbling Jesus monologue. He says oh and also you should talk to my friend who's a cop And I was like that is like like the scientist in act three saying hey Why don't we just hit the remote off switch on the world destroying robot? And I was like oh fuck why didn't we just hit the remote off switch on the world destroying robot? And it was like, oh fuck, why didn't we just think of that earlier? Right. Yeah. And of course, we have to see him like look to his Bible before the scene ends, you know,

trying to like figure out the conflict of, do I call the police and make all the bad stuff stop with no penalty to me whatsoever, or do I do something dumb instead and make this movie keep going. And of course, he chooses the latter. And then we have to very quickly establish that Russell, like I guess he's called Russell, he's like, hey, come and help me out, but then the kid drives off to go handle things on his own before Russell can get there. So we have to have the little scene where like Russell shows up and you know to help because it turns out

He does have a heart of gold after all and in the middle of this like well Do you know what kind of vehicle he's driving? Do you have the license plate or whatever all of a sudden and for no reason the foster dad Just randomly throws in the hole like it's not your fault my son died So it's so nonsensical and amazing because at one point Russell goes, I know these kids, I've seen inside their hearts and I wanted them to be like, each time I take one of their lives, I gain this strength and their memories, they can only be one in the NaviSort by cut-off russets. Come on! So many ways to improve this movie. Oh sure, this movie has no idea what it's about and I'm with it So yes, so now we go to the creepy industrial park to dig up the gangster treasure chest I guess yeah

They buried their drugs right next to a Business with like big fences like danger keep out and definitely security cameras. They're like 10 feet from this fence. They get out of the van he's like, hey guys, good beating. This time, left side a little bit more, okay? Because the right side is still sore. And there's just honestly there are 10 minutes of digging and where is the box? Manusha. Oh good. They're Eli criticizes people's digging technique. Yeah. Like you diggin technique needs work. I don't like to give notes, but I'm just saying like I know that we got people around.

I don't want to embarrass you. I would usually take you to the side, but I feel like this is an action situation. Also, I wrote my notes. Why does an e-dig and then I rose, oh, he's on gun holding duty. Yeah, right. Well, okay. And so this is the part in the movie, according to the fucking script by numbers

that they were working off of. This is the part in the movie where the main character works something clever out, outswits the bad guys, and like at the last second, it's like, oh, they've dug up the cocaine, and oh, the cop show up or whatever, something like that. But this movie can't handle that, so apparently his plan was to let them dig the stuff up and then while they were owing and eyeing about

how much cocaine they had, beat them up with a shovel. Attack them with a shovel in the clumsiest fight choreography. Oh god. Not, yeah, not attack them in a critical fucking portion of their body with the shovel. you well the shovel doesn't matter All he hits several people with a shovel and they're just like oh Someone else is turned yeah Sets it up on the ground so they step on it it hits them in the face yeah And this is where they both go for the gun at the same time and he stabs Eli in the back of the hand with the shank from

before. Oh, I must have missed that. That's because you don't follow shanks and movies as closely as I do. I love to because he gets the gun and he turns to Eli and starts lecturing him on family values at gunpoint. He's going like families are supposed to care about each other. Eli not just think of them. So I'm like, what the fuck is happening now? And then he's like, get out of here. And I'm like, oh, okay. But then they take the drugs and

guys. One thing that this character has said he wanted, he's just like, he's got the gun and he's just like, and the end, as they're leaving with the drugs, Eli's like, hey, man, we're gonna kill you. And I'm like, hey, Brandon, that this ain't over. Sounds like a great reason to shoot someone in the head, or at least deny them their drugs and money and liquor. Well, the actual line, he goes, this is an overbred and you know it. And I'm like, he could have just said Noah. He could have, because I've been looking at 15 more minutes of this shit. So it's like the cops breaking up the keg party and being like, all right, kids, get out of here.

And then they're like, all right, we're just going to drag the keg. He's like, I got it. Cool. I get it. I get it. It's saying over. But now he's got my favorite gun, so. Yeah, right, right.

And of course, we have to watch him labor over it for several minutes before he decides to throw it into the sea. And it's symbolic and I get it and everything. But it's like, that's just a gun you stole from someone. That's not like the guns. Right, I wrote my notes, goodbye, Gunny,ny my dearest friend that's why we're having the scene so i wanted it so badly to like hit a rock and shoot him in the face

that's how this movie when we do the crazy billionaire money where he's a a rare pit bull and he can go super saying and there's lots more porn in it it ends with him just throwing the end up. Oh yeah, no, that's super dangerous. That is not the way to dispose of a firearm. Not the way to dispose of a firearm. Oh shit. And so I compare it. There's still shit to wrap up because all of these plots, they seem to think were plots. So now we got to cut back to pop a stub cleaning off as old foosball table because I guess now they're going to donate it to the thing that the detective was going to do. And, you know, and I guess this is also so that they

can like, Mama stub can come out and say that she loves and accepts the white kid after all. And then they can play foosball in their son's memory. Wrong. Play foosball wrong. Incorrectly. Yes. Uh huh. You're not allowed to spin the poles. Everybody knows you can after all and then they can play fuzball in their son's memory uh... wrong play for the court not allowed to spend the polls everybody knows you can't spend the polls you can't spend the polls now how come you can't spend the polls because that's called cheating against the rules

our rules the game stops being fun if everybody stops and starts ignoring the fucking rules agree to disagree and then of course all in the we got to wrap up the Natalie story so we we show Natalie like looking at the cross she brought him and then coming out to tell her mom about the fetus that she murdered exactly and they cut away for she just goes hey mom and her word so badly for her to be like I killed a baby let me back up sorry let me back up. And apparently again, we're not done. There's more to wrap up.

So now we have to resolve the suspicious cops story, I guess. Do we? Oh, no. It was so stupid. The cop walks out of the police station and he's doing awkward Christian movie. I can't do space work for three seconds he's like high-fiving people is it?

Larry fat Larry how you doing and he goes what are the odds that you would be right here at this police station when I was just talking to you and the guy goes I don't know I think it'd probably be a thousand to one and I'm like well no it thousand it's not a thousand one like it's not like you had a thousand parking spots and ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is where we learn that after Eli and his gang wandered off with the treasure chest full of drugs, they got pulled over and arrested, and now they're gonna go to jail, just like Brendan would have if he hadn't found him, some Jesus. Yeah, so they better get each of these drug dealers

a Bible and nothing else. Otherwise, prison system will stop working. Yeah. So well. And apparently, so this is the way they sell this scene is that Brendan is there to, quote, turn himself in for what again? The shit kicked out of him. Yeah, but no idea. But yeah, but officer butch Anderson Cooper decides he can arrest him for the imaginary crime after all. And maybe he's a good kid

anyway. And they literally do the like smoking gun, hey, one more thing, give him hell. Hey, they do, literally they do like three separate shitty like cliche goodbyes. All right, it's incredible. Again, like this movie is super boring, but if you watch it for this movie being terrible, this is a ton of fun, put it on at a party. Yeah.

Right. So then, of course, we have to get him coming home to pop a stump and mama stub. And they love him like they were. He was their very own. And I wrote in my notes, hooray, it's over. Oh, wait, we still need Natalie to show up. Don't we? Because I feel like I've earned the credits, but I haven't.

Right. But when he left they were afraid he was going to go kill those guys and they don't go like hey did you kill those guys she's just like have some breakfast there's nothing you know moment of like what happened what did you do they're just like all right bacon right I guess they just assume though I must have worked out all just fine because of God or whatever. So, then we cut to the bachelor and bachelor at auction thing so that he and Natalie

can get together and make up from the whatever thing they meant to put in the script and then forgot to. Yeah, so, uh, Brennan sees Natalie come in across the crowded room and like, I just wanted somebody to blow a huge vape cloud between them for a second and they have their little those thing yeah and then of course he goes back in the video to like everybody has their number remember i said that at the beginning so now you know

it's like it's over because i said the same yeah and she tells that she told her mom about the abortion and he's like great alright we can have sex now uh... are you into older black women how would you feel about a little chocolate you'll reverse orio you know what i'm saying she's like and then he goes like you know if you stand firm in your faith anything

is possible even being a person an unacceptional person like me that we decided we're going to may a movie around. Like ultimately, we've gotten to the end of this movie. Nothing has happened, right? I was so surprised that this didn't end with the end question mark.

Like just from the editor, I mean, this is all the footage they gave me haha port and fucking real yeah i can't imagine that we've ever watched a movie were so little happened over such a long period of time and then i do want to throw this one out there after i watched the movie i was looking at the i am db page for it as i want to do and other than listing the soundtrack under trivia, which I found oddly pleasing, there wasn't much there. But I did find this 8-star review that I quite liked, okay? So

it reads in part, I love this movie. I thought it sent a good message to the audience. I am not giving this move sick an 8-stars just because I helped with it, I truly think it deserves an eight rating. This film could not have been done without all the outside help. I never knew what went into a movie till I helped with this one. Now, as pod guesters, I think we all recognize a then stop asking me to rate your shit review when we see one. So, Thomas. So so rather than measuring this movie with thumb stars or fart analogies I want you to imagine that your buddy made this movie you know I'm such a good you really close whatever and he's been bothering you to

review it on IMDB for a long time so the close things off I'd like to hear the sarcastic ten star IMDB review that you would put for this movie to shot him up. Alright, um, uh, this movie gets a rating of 10. Eh, you don't agree with me? Check out Rotten Tomatoes. So I thought 10. 10 stars, great movie. I can really see you worked hard. My favorite part of this movie is the actors all did really great more words until iTunes lets me hit

post banana banana banana banana banana a good movie movies good well that's gonna do it for review a king's faith that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to give you something to give thanks for next week. So Eli tell us what is on deck Oh, well, we know you made it through a hard Thanksgiving with some family And we know some folks really needed a treat so next week we have a movie we have been saving literally for a year plus at this point blood freak now for a year plus at this point. Blood freak. Now this is a Christian movie because if you

describe the plot it's gonna not sound like that. It is a Christian movie. Absolutely. It's about a man who goes to the only words you can say about the point of this movie that are hilarious. I'm sorry. So who goes to a hippie commune and gets addicted to drugs marijuana, and marijuana, marijuana, tainted marijuana, special, super strong marijuana. And when that marijuana is combined with him eating special laboratory experimental turkey, he turns into a murderous blood-drinking turkey who still fucks his girlfriend. This is, and I know I say this all the time, this is the best movie we've ever watched. It is the most fun to watch. It's on YouTube, it's free, and it's the one where the guy like introduces it at the beginning it's like 50 minutes you must watch this.

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Like if you enjoy bad movies this movie is why right? This was made in 1972. They were more or less taking this seriously when it was made right? This is not like the tongue and cheek like everyone saw movies that were this bad. This is really truly one of those movies. Yeah. And it is beautiful. Yeah. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 66

to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the scepticrade available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godawthlmoveesatgmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slattnik of Evil

Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neil Lai Bosnick, I'm No Illusions, Promised and War card, and I'll earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, Branden started dressing up like the Stubbs dead son Lewis and it wasn't weird. Mom loved it. Natalie went on to do porn, hopefully.

Eli spent all the Patreon and add money on a date with Zach. Zach was never the same again. But darling, we're gonna die for! again.