God Awful Movies - 68: GAM067 Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up for an atheist review of "Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm"; a story of the biblical apocalypse as told through whatever spare CNN stock the producers could get their hands on. Join us as we marvel at the insensitive appropriation of real people's suffering for the sake of a crappy movie featuring Frankenstein's Game Show Host. --- You can find tickets to our live show in Chicago on Friday, January 13th here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-with-cognitive-dissonance-tickets-29713113723 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur. Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Oh They guys go oh give you a give you a 12-second delay and Parker has to ask he's like oh what's a 12-second delay? I've heard of 10 second delays Yeah, it's like that but bigger this is like a two-minute dialogue we have in this He's like it's a delay of 12 seconds. I wanted him so badly to be like, what's a 12-second delay in for the other guy to just be like... AHHHHH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MOBIES! MOBIES! MOBIES! MOBIES! MOBIES!

MOBIES! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because no billionaires want to hate fuck us. I'm your host Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thanks. You know who's a great Heath. Welcome back. Thanks. Uh, you know, who's a great

actor? Kirk Cameron under rated Kirk Cameron. Wow. Missed that guy. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Speak for yourself about the hate fucking thing. There's a tiny businessman. I've been trolling his single-handed Facebook page for the last six years. We're getting there. We're getting there. No, you meet me at the mandarin oriental hotel at 59th Street. Well, there are plenty of billionaires that want you to be hate fucked. I get that. I understand that. Not much I will concede. So, tell us, Heath, what in the world inspired the Kurt Cameron love that we will be breaking down today? That's not that doesn't count as a sentence, but I'm gonna throw

it out there anyway. Yeah, all right. We watched Apocalypse caught in the eye of the storm. It's the first of a four-part series about the end times that was supposed to be five parts, but I think YouTube finally rejected them for the last time. They weren't picked up for another season. They didn't get picked up by YouTube last time. And this one is the story of the rapture and the following seven days as told through a series of what I'm assuming were cutscenes from cops and unsolved mysteries. Lovely. And Eli, I'm going to use the term movie here in its loosest possible sense, but how

bad was this movie? Well, if you love stock footage, hate lenses that haven't been smeared in Vaseline and want to prove ones and for all that that 27 part video series you ordered from Joel Osteen wasn't a waste of money. You will love this movie. The movie is exactly equal parts left behind. The atheist delusion, days of our lives and Jim Backer infomercial. Oh my god, it was a fucking amazing.

All right, two part question for you. Number one, was this the laziest film ever made and as a follow up, is this also the laziest film possible to make? Yeah, this is the easiest film to make where you don't have to yell world star while doing it. Yeah, this movie had three kids just to get more welfare benefits.

So yes, and yes, why jokes were thematic. No, they weren't. Now, you thought they were. That's both of your ones. As near as I can tell, this film, All right, this apocalypse movie was produced by the same guys that did left behind right before they signed on big names like Kurt Cameron. So this was like, this was proof of concept, right? This was their way to prove that they had the chops to take on this project.

And apparently, this is a test they passed. Right. Like how bad would have had to bend for them to have failed yeah what what what was the first draft that Kirk turned down uh... sorry fellon but you kept the length cap on the entire time uh... that's all that's really good to be good will refill

women will make the apocalypse holiday special it'll be great yeah the December bonus episode for our patrons by the way is going to be awesome we'll make the apocalypse holiday special it'll be great ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha it's the book. I don't know that I would give it to this movie. I got it. We've had so many at this point that I was like really persecuted. Can I go with best worst Canadians pretending to be American? Hello, this is the president of the United States. Sorry. And I just want to say I'm sorry to all the mount cops cop that are gonna die here in beautiful Sakatowa, or New York. Sorry, sorry. Sakatowa, I like that.

Also, best worst distance between actors. You know, too shot of this movie where the people are not inches away. They are gay men having sex right now that are physically further apart. The actors are in this film. Amazing. I see you have one more on your list as well. I do. Most in cities use of stock footage. I mean, look, we have watched a lot of apocalypse movies. And usually they have the decency to show one or two clips of something real of forest fire, maybe a world leader who we all recognize talking, but we don't know what he's saying. And then they sort of air a crap carrier. Yeah, right. This movie uses all of its like bad stuff happening during the apocalypse of real footage

from newsreels of real people suffering from not the pretend thing they're pretending it is. Well, right, right. Okay, so like it was bad when the movie we watched about Columbine used to Columbine stock footage, right? We took him to task for that, but at least they acknowledge the thing that actually caused the suffering right they weren't like and this is what happened when the high schoolers failed their math quiz

oh and that's it we should point out right up front by the way that that's about seventy five percent of this movie right as us watching other people's misery being reappropriated for their imaginary feet fairytale also it with the entirely wrong caption so it'll be very clearly asian police beating up an asian person and it'll be like bell jim and i'm like unless that's little tokyo in belgium I'm less than little Tokyo in Belgium. Yeah, they even have countries that didn't exist at the time that we'll get there. We'll get there. I do want to throw out one best worst, which is the best worst inappropriate soundtrack.

All right. So like very clearly they went into this movie with 10 songs, right? These are the songs we have. And they had to just match them to the most appropriate scenes because over and over again the music could not fit less with what's going on in the scene of the mood of it, the lyrics of it, and there also all the lyrics are fucking hilarious. I don't think any of these songs could have fit into any scene in any way. It wouldn't matter where you put them.

Got you that. Got you saying that the proper soundtrack for a apocalypse caught in the eye of the storm is not 20 best songs to marital rape your wife to. I know. No. No. That was the alternative title to the soundtrack. I'm sure.

All right. Well, as he thought already alluded to, we got three more of these motherfuckers yet to review, which means we're going to have to pace ourselves. So we'll pause for a quick break. And when we come back, we'll break down all the stock footage and B roll that is apocalypse caught in the eye of the storm. Hey, folks, just a quick reminder that tickets for God awful movies live in Chicago with Tom and Cecil from cognitive dissonance are still available and going fast. And we mean

really fast. As of this recording today, Friday the second,, we sold 100 tickets and at the rate we're going, the remaining seats in the theater won't last long. Also a quick side note, as of right now, we're sold out of VIP seating, which guarantees you front row tickets and an exclusive VIP only dinner with us and the Cog Disc crew. But we are looking to add more with the theater

and we'll let you know as soon as we do. But don't wait, our last show in New York sold out, and we expect this one to sell out as well. So grab your tickets while you can and don't say we didn't warn you. Link for the tickets will be in the show notes for this episode or on the Facebook fan page, which if you haven't liked already is a great place to follow us, find extra content and get early dibs on tickets and events like these. And now back to the show. So you are the ones who've been causing so much trouble in my new world order speak your names

I'm Noah Luzon's yeah, hi. I'm Heath like the place Is that that marble? Yeah, it is thank you. Thank you in the streets. They tell me that you say I am the anti-Christ right yeah yeah story movie like a hundred times for a show my my movie yeah trust us man this is as awkward for us as it is for you it we were atheists before all of this and we used to do this movie review show so we've seen the apocalypse like six seven times now eight actually you're forgetting that Chinese one we did. Oh, yeah. Oh God, that was awful. Silence. Look, if you know so much about me,

then you know that you must join or stop that. How are you doing that? I am God. I shall be disrespected this way. Yeah. Yeah, geez. This is getting boring. Okay. God's take them away. Oh, no. Sure. Hope we don't get executed. Only for everyone to change their minds at the last second. Yeah. What kind of setup you got there abandoned church horse trailer is this mixed right get get get out of here wait wait wait what happened to your third guy i heard there were three of you oh yeah yeah he died from a locust

lion lady face thing oh sorry to hear that yeah we think he was trying to fuck it oh maybe i mean he died doing what he loved. It's okay. Good point. That's your one.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start this movie with a based on true bullshit disclaimer. Yeah, this is based on true hallucinations. So it turns out, yeah, so we get that, you know, the biblical writing of, oh, this shit's really going to happen. And then we, we zoom out of, we're on like a cross around some old lady's neck. And we're zooming out while we hear the news, talk about all the apocalypse stuff that's going on. Yeah, there's armies from 60 nations with troops in the Valley of Armageddon in Israel. Now are there 60 nations that have like legitimate armies like standing army?

Yeah, Canada, five guys with a shield and like the Olympics. What? Sorry. Yeah, but. Excuse me. So what we've got here is we've got grandma and Helen sitting on the couch together What? Sorry. Yeah, but... Excuse me. So what we've got here is we've got grandma and Helen sitting on the couch together. And grandma is pretty sure that this is the apocalypse and what's more, that Helen isn't

quite Jesus-y enough for the apocalypse. Yeah. Grandma's, she's flipping through the Bible as she's watching this. She's beaming at the TV like a kid watching the chimney on Christmas Eve. She's pumped about the apocalypse. She's so this, she's beaming at the TV, like a kid watching the chimney on Christmas Eve. She's pumped about the apocalypse. She's so excited for it. But that's when the bell rings, because you know how you ring the doorbell of your own home.

And incomes, Bronson. Bronson. Seriously fuck you, your name's not Bronson. Bronson is the character's name. Bronson, talk about what Bronson looks like. I'm gonna talk if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure if I'm not sure He looks like the Pokemon Ted dancing evolves into. It looks like the host of a game show about chronology. I bet he got the part because not only could he star in the movie, but they could project it onto his forehead.

So, you know, some people have that thing you call an as Chin like cleft. This guy has what appears to be an actual anus on his chin. Oh, dingleberries and all. His chin looks like it was his boyfriend's birthday reason. Like, his escaping as Chin. He was not an attractive individual. Sorry, I had nothing. I had nothing.

But yeah, yeah. So he shows them. And I think by the way it despite the fact that these two characters now him and howlin will speak entirely in exposition from now till the end of the movie they never make it clear but i think that he's just her boyfriend and has his own place somewhere and he's just coming to grandma's to visit ooo that makes sense

yeah but they they they leave you you guessing there so that they can establish 11 times that their news people, the two of them, they do the news. Yeah. Also, we should point out at this point that this entire movie is shot with the porn for women and soap opera focus. Yes. Yes. If you like watching porn actors pretend to make love to bury white music you will love the way this movie is shot do like can we talk about how and for a second like look I know we make fun of Christian movies a lot but I think it's really bold of them to cast a swan in the lead female role of this you know who she looks exactly like and I realize this just as the movie

ended do you remember that puppet on Mr. Rogers lady Elaine Fairchild? This is like Lady Elaine Fairchild's first movie. Before she became a character actress. So, yeah, so he shows up because he's about to head off to Apocalypse Villa or whatever on assignment. So he wanted to stop and say goodbye and she's like, you know, Granny thinks that this could be the biblical apocalypse and his character says,

well, yeah, but doesn't Granny always think it's the biblical apocalypse? To which the hellin says, well, yeah, but that doesn't mean it isn't this time. Could be. That is exactly what happens. The movie. That's the story. Yep. Also, just a quick note here, What would be that is exactly what happens the movie

Also just a quick note here the inside of this doorway they have like these plastic vines And it's very we were going for Greek restaurant and fell short It's really a Again as this scene ends just to really hit home that he's a newsperson She picks up a framed cover of Time magazine that says, man of the year, Bronson, whatever his name is, the world's most trusted man. Yes, yeah, exactly. Super, super subtle. And then we get the credits where we're going to get still photos of apocalyptic looking things. And over this, we're going to get still photos of a pocklepsy looking things and over this we're going to get the theme song the caught in the eye of the storm theme song.

Yeah, which is directly lifted from how do I get you alone? It is quite certain. Caught in the eye on the song. Yeah. Music in a thing. Sorry. It makes me feel better because my music known here was this music video has people fucking in an ocean Yeah, and then sorry

I'm too busy riding a motorcycle with my mullet blowing in the way to enjoy this montage And I love to okay, so clearly what they're going for with this little opening montage is like oh Boy sure does look like we're in the end times because look at all this war and stuff But the other way to interpret this photo montages here's some evidence of the problem of evil being insurmountable for us That's the other all right, so now we get day one and by way I love this I feel like all the movies that we want should have to announce themselves in seventh like this Oh, that would be very helpful

yeah right because it was so much easier when it was it's like driving through new england versus driving through taxis you know you just keep getting a new state feels like you went further anyway so we get day one where howland is at the anchor desk of w n n the world news network and i know that this is actually accurate that they do multi-camera shots on the news but they do it so closely because he has to have a guide just throw his hand in front of the camera like that it was a fucking strike

and she turns like she's about to do her one woman show like if she had to go hello growing up sure was crazy in Canada. I mean, America. Yeah. She switches to the other camera. Like she's doing Latigra all of a sudden.

Yeah. What are you talking about? And it felt like the way he pointed, he puts, like he said, he puts his hand in front of the camera and is like, no, over there, like they've been doing the whole segment facing sideways. I wanted to see the actual news feed. She Michelle Bachman did.

And also, and this is going to be a recurring theme for this character. She is the chicken little of newscasting, right? And we'll remain so throughout. Every time we see her on the news, she's like, yeah, this is probably going to be a nuclear war. So we don't have evidence to that. I'm just, I'm just kind of extrapolating from current events. Probably all we're all going to get nuked and die.

Yeah. And then, and now to get nuked and die. Yeah. And then now to Ollie for the weather. Right. And that was what I really wanted to see. I wanted to know was other TV going on besides WNN. Like what was the episode of Big Brother like that week? I wonder what's going on outside the house. None of us. So now we cut to Armageddonville where we see Bronson, who like literally makes you miss Kurt Cameron throughout this movie. This is literally a poor man's Kurt Cameron. He reports and he's like, I'm standing here looking like I made a protective helmet out of the top of how he duties head And then what he he starts he's explaining

The apocalypse situation that militarily to the general of the Israeli army. Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's his role I heard Brian Williams did that too. So I guess Yeah, that's his role. I heard Brian Williams did that too. So I guess there is that I see anger slash commander chief of Israel Can we talk about the commander of the Israeli army? Look There is only one possible Outcome here and that is that we talk about the commander of the Israeli army. Yes, please Please talk about goddamn bad accent that you would get snickered at in a community theater over Corey Feldman for a minute The moisy Alizar

So they obviously found the brownest person they knew Hey, man, you can do in his really accent right and he was like totally No, bro. He's me Rory person He's me. I mean, rary person. He's doing ninja. Oh If he had been studying for splinter in teenage Ninja Turtles 2 and then they were shooting on the same lot and they were like can we borrow your dark guy? And they were like oh, I give this performance Right, but he was like you like Mexican ninja Greek ninja communist ninja. I can do whatever

mixed up. Whatever I'll just mix it up between sentences. It's fine. Oh Jesus. And we come back to him several times and it's always such a delight. So yeah, so but they're in the tent where the, you know, because you know how the the general who is the acting commander of the army generally stops and explains to the reporters exactly what he's doing. Well he, we're in one of those situations. And he explains to Brunson that Jews are not a people who can hope for a better day. We live as one and we die as one. And I just wrote, please, just have him hiss.

I mean, don't go halfway. Have him pull a tiny bag of gold out from his shirt and wink at another Jew. Don't. No half measures. Chalking his horns like bull queues or whatever. So now we get Bronson's live report right now. Has to go out of the tent and do a live report from explosion bill. And basically his entire report is, well, all we can do now is hope that this isn't the apocalypse and the world doesn't end in the next few hours but uh... odds are pretty slim

yeah he also has this incredible moment where he goes uh... so far nobody is used non-conventional weapons and i was like what like bananas are not filled with poison what do you wait one guy with a catapult i have a picture like a spy versus spy cartoon or something like that. Wow, manipulation. What do you mean by that? Also to reiterate, there's 60 countries and he's explaining it like it's a 60-way war. Yes. Again, like the Olympics. Like they're all fighting each other all at the same time.

And then we cut to this announcement from the president, and it starts saying, but it's fucking amazing. Like, we will defend the right of Israel to exist. And I for an eye, like nuclear policy. I, yeah, we're going with hammer obbies, mutually assured, blindness policy of nuclear weapons lovely but it but it also mentions that the only person who could save the day is joe mcanty christ the president of the european union who's name is no more ridiculous than joe mcanty christ no yeah right right president macaroni and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe and roe right. I don't know about the great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, uh, looks like he's about to tell you the kids stays in the picture. All right. So now we go back to the anchor desk where Helen likes season off and then they're done. So he can cut to the producer back there producing. And I swear he should have just been waving his arms with like, you know, film reels in both hands or something like that. It was, it was fun. But they want she now that they're off the air, she wants them to patch her back through to her husband

or boyfriend or whatever that's in the shit in the Valley of Armageddon. There's so many moments on and off the news that are so unprofessional between these two, like it comes back to her and she's like, great, Bronson, can't wait for you to come home. Love and Kisses, now, on to New York. Like, you're so great.

But she's just using the fucking news communication facetime software. Exactly. Like, how's Armageddon? Great, great, great. Can we talk about us for a minute? Can we get into this? Do you think my friends are bitches? You think my friends are bitches? So, I mean, I love that you have your own friends. I also love to in this conversation, there's like the exact same explosion behind him on the green screen over and over again.

And by the way, Bronson, every time we see him will be in front of a green screen. Mm-hmm. Right, and not even well. And almost always inexplicable. And there's a very clear explosion that happens behind him, which we see from her perspective. We see what she sees, and she goes, what is that?

And he's like, oh, fucking white snakes performing next door. What are you guys happening? People are popping. And she gets my face to see about it. She's the man that he didn't do no you hang up during the fire bombing and i guess that's all a day one that's everything we needed to know so now

we're on to day two complete with more news footage and we start this one off after we clearly established the apocalypse is still going on uh... that there is a brand new everywhere at once news station that just happened to come online today it's on the tv it's on the internet and all the billboards

yeah what and that the electronic billboard that's just a big t.v. those were invented a long time ago there's no coincidence here and also by the way because they show this like this report about this live everywhere news station or whatever and they showed all over the world but it's all in english yeah everywhere the world yeah i said this english-speaking news anchor without subtitles probably not

doing a ton in hong kong uh... they got to make it right well they got to be good but they go to places that are very distinctly not they go to make it right well they got to go to places that are very distinctly not equal they go to france at one point those assholes are going to speak english nobody speaks english in hong kong i said that that's where so is right that's where we had him comes from so we cut back to the to the production room or whatever where Helen comes in all worried about Bronson because he's been in the middle of the army getting all night or whatever.

Right, and we get this really subtle moment here where one of the like tech people turns around and goes, don't worry, Bronson will be fine. Me and my whole church will be have been praying about him. And that's basically everyone's cue to go around and say whether or not they're going to get raptured. Yes. Yeah, I raped a child. Right. Right. Exactly.

So, and then, of course, they get to notice that Bronson is going live again, which means that the fact that we switched days was completely pointless. We didn't have to do any of that. But he's on now to tell us that Tel Aviv has been exploded with poisonous poison. The way this they cut to is really ninja guy. And the way this guy describes this chemical cloud is he's like, there is a deadly cloud that does not care if you are a baby, this cloud only wants to kill innocent people and finish the job that Hitler started. And I want to say that.

So badly for an alt-right cloud to just be like, hmm. Hashtag balls. So yeah, he tells us about this evil cloud of gas that can't be reasoned with and can't be bargained with and tells us that it's Hitler gas. Just like Hitler. Well, except it kills Muslims too, like I just said earlier, whatever, it's really bad. It's a bad cloud. And then there's another identical explosion right behind him.

Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. That same explosion. We'll get several times. Also we learned in this report that the u.s. aircraft carrier nabrasco was hit by a chinese bomb or whatever that they would use a nuclear submarine a new killer all my notes here are you guys sure i don't say it right haha like i say it right according to this moving we also learn here it is just a tiny thing we

learn that three million troops have gathered in a hundred square miles Are they having a fucking pitched battle? 30,000 people per square mile. It's fucking military woodstock. What? Thanks loaded up like clown cars with little people What I Just love that visuals like okay everybody we had to do 60 different colors because we're all from different countries. So, you got like-

Light-mover, dark-mov. Get your shit together, sounds. Who would you? And now it's back to Helen, so she can speculate about nuclear war. You know, we go back to the desk anger desk and she's like hmm sounds like we're all gonna get nuked probably well what's amazing is she goes nuclear biological and chemical weapons have been used and unless someone hits the brinks this could be serious really what's next solar midnight

oh my extension technology so yeah so they go to dr. Horn who's going to be the nuclear expert and i love her first question to dr. Horn the most relevant question that she can think to ask the nuclear scientists is how many nuclear weapons are there uh... i don't want to point out doctor horn looks like a giant toddler melted gym gaffigan action figure with a max yet and he looks and sounds

do you know just like the opposite of a nuclear scientist he's going to be like the ucla expert on this whatever you're imagining that's what he looks and sounds like the opposite of that i really wanted to start telling hell and about the dangers of diabetes but a look at his butthole right here or like how a zone blitz works and that's exactly also okay so they cut away from him though because we have breaking news that we knew to china's defense ministry building

um... okay quick thing if we knew their defense ministry building didn't we also blow up Beijing well right that's not how new swore so single building newk's to be ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on drones. And we're about to give those to Trump. Wouldn't be surprised at all. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so again, we get a quick, you know, ladies and gentlemen, you're all fucked from the, from the news anchor lady. And then we go back to fake Jewish Corey Feldman

who he says when they realized that nuclear weapons are on the way, he says, you know what to do? Simpson's fist fist and I wrote, God, I hope they're breaking out gay sex stuff quick before they die. I hope that's what that means. That's right, bro. Hey, always a good idea to do some light fisting when you're in conflict.

Ha, ha, ha. If everyone's about to die, I would make a very similar suggestion on this thing, like that I get what master splinters going for here. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm getting what master splinters going for here. I get what loyal splinter is going for us. Then we get a speech from the Potus for a second.

Yeah, not live. Who also can't say nuclear correct with that. Sorry. I really wanted to see like, just see the producers explaining to all these actors. No, it's two syllables. There's a word new and there's a word clear and you just say them next to each other that clicker uh...

shit clear new uh... yeah and i love to that this part that the announcement from the president is well since we're all gonna die they're all gonna die anyway because you know fuck those assholes so we sent so many nukes we can't count them all. He even says that we've sent countless nukes. Really like we wouldn't you know the, I would figure you would know the number of nuclear weapons you just launched against our fucking bunch like a bunch of nukes. I'm out on the president

December 2, 2016. It is very possible. The president would send out a bunch of Well, that's it. Yeah, no, you just shoot them out. Bigly shot of nukes. It's happening. Yep. Yeah, so then we cut from that back to the news lady who's like, you're all the fuck. And now back to dynasty. Right. did now back to dynastie right back bad little detail she says the way the bad guy wore heads work they're constructed so that we can't see him until seconds before they hit so everybody's fucked back to you Steve yeah and how do we know they're coming that was told us yeah, you're just right you just

I'm the only person in Hong Kong who speaks angry That's your one um that's four yeah right exactly that's your he gets one per race um so we're not counting the outtake that we're gonna All right, so now it's time for the rapture. We get we cut to another news guy out newsing when his camera man gets raptured. Now, I don't think we can give you an idea how bad the acting is without just letting you hear the acting for this scene. So, more I don't understand it. People all around me seem to have been vaporized or something. So that is what we're dealing with throughout this film. And by the way, when he disappears, the camera just gently floats to the ground, right?

He doesn't, he disappears a little bit at a time. Yeah. Well, we should point out a couple of things. This is by far the best rapture we've seen. This is our third rapture or fourth? The rapture specifically, I think it's our fourth. This is our fourth rapture. And this is the only rapture we've seen so far,

where God not only makes everyone disappear, but He neatly folds and stacks their clothes. And by the way, like pins the clothes, like not just folds, but like with the pins still in. Yes, it brings in the shirt, lines up the shoes correctly, puts the hat nicely gently on top of the pile.

Now do you think, I'm not sure, do you think it was gone, or do you think the people were like, you know what, like God told us to be nice about this and neat and we're gonna wrap it up and clean and the movie doubles down on this This is like a mistake of the movie the movie later says everyone disappeared nothing less but close neatly folded So like we're not just like hey isn't this wacky. This was the movie's choice. Yes the movie believes when the good or raptured whatever takes them will be like top top

all and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and Oh, it's so bizarre. And then of course, we cut to, you know, to stock footage of the rapture. And I love this shit, because they're like, airplanes are falling out of the sky. They show us an airplane. It doesn't fall out of the sky though. It's just an airplane going over head. Yeah. Remember airplanes?

That's what we're talking about now. Yeah. So, all right. So, and then we cut we cut back to the, to the anchor desk, where apparently a lighting guy who was holding a light with his hands over top of the anchor was raptured away and knocked Helen out when he was raptured, right? Oh, and we don't get to see it because you know that was too comedic. Like you know they actually got the shot of some fake rubber light coming down like,

punk, this was like, how is Betty's puff? You know, like that's too funny. We literally can't watch the video if you haven't cut that shot. Shouldn't you have like put that down nicely and like coiled the chain up, apparently perfectly around at first. You would think, right, why wouldn wouldn't it get to the rental center? And what's amazing is, none of this stops her from immediately getting back

on the news and being like, hi everybody, don't know if you noticed, but everyone disappeared, but so did all of the nukes. And which one I run my note, nukes are Christian, who knew? Yeah, right, all the nooks got raptured. I want it to be wearing a fitted sheet on rapture day and we got to watch them try to fold that thing. I'm not gonna get in, this is bullshit.

It's at the very end of the line, oh fuck. Is there Muslim heaven? Here they have raisins. I'm not. Is there Muslim heaven? You're gonna have raisins. And yeah, so the ICBMs are allegedly Christian, according to the case. But shouldn't there be like neatly folded uranium warhead? I don't know if the didn't get shot at least.

They didn't think this through. I'm starting to think they haven't. And then they cut to the like the reporter live in England who has somehow within the last several minutes edited together a helicopter footage from several different places. They go. Yeah. Anyway, and it's so funny because it's like, you know, this is, this is, they, they must have gone through hours of newsreel to get this stuff.

But they're like, here's an aircraft crashing into the ground because the pilot was, you know, raptured. And again, that's hilarious until you think to yourself, wow, we just watched a man die. Right. That's a real plane crap. Again, there's just like a series of real things and they show people like in real conflict, like crying families after real tragedies. And it's like, hey, I know you take your pretend things super serial and we're humoring you with your movie, but like, those are real humans and their suffering was caused by you.

Maybe it is not. Maybe don't use them. Yeah, exactly. But at this point though, the whole concept of this movie started to become clear to me, right? Because the idea is that this would be on some Christian TV network, somebody would be flipping through, right? Some old lady would be flipping through and see this fake news footage of the rapture

happening. Right. That was their whole goal, is they were like, oh, as you're flipping by TVN or whatever, you'll have to turn back. I wanted some reported to find like to neatly stacked dildos string of these around it called c c jewish part doesn't count anymore i told you

you know like why was there no clit rings at nontop of anybody's stuff yeah exactly so i also love to by the way that during this rapture uh... uh... uh... b roll thing that they've got going one of the shots they're showing wildfires and house fires and wars and everything, but they also showed just some screaming Jew. Yep. He just found out his son's a Christian now. Oh, I see. I mean, I really live so you can tell he's saying, we're wrong. I don't know. I know.

And then he slowly unbuttons his shirt and takes it off and folds it. Yeah. Yeah. You were wondering what Moishi looked like. Like we didn't, that's why we couldn't name him because he was in this movie. Yeah. And we also learn here, of course, that everyone just stopped warring. The 60 armies all decided to go home, which is a bitch because they all finally got the

colors all coated and everything. Um, but, uh, this thing, seriously, I just got these pants, the right shade of peel that we don't get confused with Jamaica. This is fucking bullshit. It's short truth. Alrighty. I punched that Italian guy. We can go home now. Oh, so I love to that they had the like the wrong movie name drop in here right because the reporter goes like and we've we're all left to wonder why we were left behind. It's like no, that's not the movie that you're gonna you're gonna do that one later guys. Did you Armageddon caught in the storm to did.

Yeah. And now it's back to Bronson pearl because that's all the street writers had berolled the bronson pearl to the anger desk to be rolled to bronson pearl to the anger desk and now he's at the wailing green screen and it's literally she's just shown like fires and destruction and death and madness and she's like never mind that shit here's my boyfriend in israel what's that like huh

and this is where we learned okay so that everybody is shocked by these uh... this turn of events except for president macaroni noodle who apparently predicted that this would happen the the previous day and he's giving a press conference in heaven from Bill and Ted's bogus adventure. Journey. Yeah, so he's he's given this like this speech, this like statement in which he very clearly says, I am God a number of times. I'm like, I feel like that would tip his hand a bit.

Feel like that goes badly. Also, I feel like God gets an even tan. That's my feedback. And my music note here, of course, is Conan's going to fuck that witch, isn't he? So now it's time for day three or two sevenths of the way there. And we cut to a guy reading a Bible in a dark office, not dark because that's like what they were going for, cinematically, but because they didn't realize you could light from three different places. And in fact, should light from three different places. So, but this is I guess the head of WNN News. Yeah, and then some guy walks in just complete stranger walks in. He's like, yeah, I've read that whole book because

the WNN guy has the Bible. I got rid of that whole book. I'm not going to help you. I'm not going to spoil it or whatever. That's okay. This is a weird conversation. What's happening? It calls for security and security is evil now. So now we know this is the bad guy. This is like Macauluso's minion. Yeah. Yeah. This is Lynn Parker and Lynn Parker looks like Steve Buscemi's handsome brother got cast as an an rice extra He he literally has prosthetic demon ears I can't possibly be really the sides of his head can't it no No way there's no way a human being made it to adulthood without killing himself with ears like that. This is like an elf of John Malkovich. Yeah, exactly.

So he's here to apparently to tell the head of WNN that he'll be taking over their news network now. And the guy's like, well, I think not. So he kills him because when you kill someone You get their news network Well first first you tell the camera inches behind your head Right you explain your spin around and shoot him And then you get the news network yeah, it's the comically. It's the most tiny gun It ends up a fucking squirt gun

He pulled up the angry cricket. And as he spin around, we just hear the like the the Casio keyboard of bullet noises like. Pew, pew, yeah, but it blacks out because they couldn't afford splatter. This is no estus percol production or anything. So we have to just imply that he was shot. And then we're going to cut to Helen, go into C. grandma to this, this weird country music shit that we have to sit through. Oh, yeah, the cranberries live at the rodeo finals. Yeah.

Okay. My music note here was they let me play in this coffee shop from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. Yeah, they don't pay me and I don't get free coffee, but they let me. Yeah, exactly. So and I love to. Okay. free coffee, but they let me, yeah, exactly. So, and I love too, okay, so I'm the news while she's driving in to see Granny, it says this is the exact wording that they use. There's been a 10,000% increase in heart attacks.

What? What? Why would you fuck her phrase that as a percent? That's so stupid. Hey, how many heart attacks were that day? Whatever that number is, just say that. 100 fold in, please. They can't, they clearly don't even know that.

Yeah. But anyway, so she gets into the house and, of course, grandma's clothes are neatly folded, which means either she was running around naked or she was raptured. Well, grandma's clothes are neatly folded and she has attached a note to her clothes. Which means that there are one of two things must be true. Either grandma has been wearing a tissue to get raptured note inside her or she fucking stopped on her way to heaven to be like,

fuck where's my pad with a kid in on it? Right, like I like to think of it as just she's just had that bend or a shirt like a kindergarten or getting a note to bring to mom or whatever. They're the exact the whole time. Also, what the fuck is wrong with everyone else? If that's how it works, you get to leave a note. How does everyone else not leave a note in that situation or like at least a tweet or change your Facebook status to interrelationship with God like common courtesy would be to something that everyone know. We also in the scene, they play the answering machine at the grandma's house and she's

got a super happy message from her like church friend about how like, oh holy shit, there's like nukes and stuff and Israel's going great, we're going to heaven, right going to heaven right like oh god like apocalypse we that's the good guys in this movie yeah and of course the note tells Ellen that it's not too late for her to Jesus yeah and and now it's time for more news and I just want to point out the the WNN news logo was clearly about 28% of their budget on Fiverr and they are gonna get their goddamn money's worth. They really are. We cut to the Pentagon spokesman again, but it's obvious that they thought like, oh man, we can't keep having him in that same conference room. So now he's at a county fair. What?

They just got a circus ten we need and white circus ten behind is it and they're clearly like shooting from below and up to get as little of that the shot is possible it's a gait like see his family behind him having a picnic a little bit of cotton candy goes into the shot for a second right yeah exactly and and so we get this like quick montage of all the various people who can't believe that all the nuclear bombs disappeared, including, you know, general Moishi and general Mike Pence with a mustache and and the Jordanian guy, the fucking Swedish Jordanian guy with the

communist accent. He had a solid communist accent. So Muslims are getting raptured too. I thought whatever. Yeah, well, but they make it very clear like that everyone's thinking their own religion, but wink, wink, only the Christians were actually right. And meanwhile, we cut back to Helen's grandma's house where she's just rooting through her, I guess, in case of rapture, hope chest. It's like a lock box for some reason.

Grandma felt like she needed to secure her gym back her tapes. So she'd get Helen while she was looking for the good silverware to the music from porn for black women. I too. And he. So she literally puts in a video now of like, you know, like generic 700 club, which you like, this is what we're going to watch in the movie. We're going to watch a person watch a Christian fucking TV show, a televanjalous show in the movie and not just for a few seconds.

Yeah, for a while. For a while. And this is the best quality camera work in the entire movie. In the tape of a TV show rerun from the 80s. And that's the best quality stuff we get. Oh, and again, because everything's worth, like, we've seen in case I get raptured tapes, or you need to be explained tapes in these movies before but this one like the people are even

worse spoken it's fantastic at one point they're talking about the anti-crisis then she goes he'll be a super deceiver and I wrote my notes super deceiver is my new magic game parties blue raptures so and also like I and this is just a general thing because all of these Televangela shows have this this check right so it's it's the it's the fat It's not any famous, but right. Yeah, exactly exactly because Pat Robertson has this same airheaded chick that sits next to him and goes

Well, what if I mean it was on 9- and that they have that lady in this as well they're like the amazing johnathan's assistant right idiots and and so and let's talk about the content of what's being said here too because what the preacher is saying basically is well with you know shits really going to hell if we find ourselves in the middle of world peace. Right? Isn't that exactly the message that he sends here?

Yes, and this is the message that each movie has sent is like, Hey, just be aware, if there's ever a guy who finally gets all the shit together in the middle east, he's the devil. Which means that, and this occurred to me later on in the movie because they were like, Oh, he'll broker a seven year piece deal. That means that if we ever start to make peace in the Middle East We're gonna have to make sure none of the contracts have fucking sevens on them The bunch of loonies in the US are gonna take over a birding station Palestinian is really according they're gonna be like seven years and some presidents gonna have to be like now It's gotta be eight guys, or six, but like, can't,

trust me, people in Texas, they'll lose their shit. Because if it's six years, they're gonna say, well, the biblical year back then, when this, or something like that, they'll find, yeah, exactly, what has to be the one. The pie is three, seven is six, it's fucking close enough.

Right, yeah, exactly. And, but just generally, the moral of the story here, don't get fooled by world peace. It's so fucking dangerous Exactly. Yeah, right right exactly and also by the way like even if you want to stay within their silly little mythos Like if Satan can get a seven-year peace accord. He is so ahead of Jesus How many lepers would you have to cure? This is also where we learned that Jesus had two very distinct messages. One, I will come into you and eat with you The he fan write story

See every time I come it is and I will come into your heart the Eli Bosnick and John Lenick story And I love to on this through this whole sequence like cosmic and john Lennox story. And he was there too. And I love to on this through this whole sequence, like basically she's not just watching a VHS tape. We see her like taking one out and putting the next one in. So she's getting like the whole like 999 a month course or whatever. And as she's doing that, she's studying the Bible.

I'm like, they're giving us the all square here there's no one for the all square if my dad had a tape like this for me to watch when he died it would be instructions on how to find his secret collection of vintage coupons i guarantee guys seriously like dominoes coupons from the 70s i don't i swear if my dad had a post-ra rapture video for me it would basically be like c a fucking podcast years old just a few and he probably does he probably has that and i'll find it after he dies uh... so that's it for day three basically i guess and now we're on to day four which means

that we're gonna get the half way mark here pretty soon which i was very happy about um... and we're gonna open this scene with talk radio where everyone's happy so there antichrist must be in charge and she goes talk radio what's on your mind and i wanted someone to be like um... the fucking of pocket ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and out of the thoughts that thanks the lila i want to send out a song to elisha who i upset when i was doing the rate festival right after everyone disappeared it can you play nothing but my love but

what is the things we actually are this radio show somebody calls in and they're like doesn't anyone have a bible this macluso guys clearly the anti-click yeah serious callers only serious call. Yeah, exactly. Well, and again, that's because the people who wrote this script have called into radio shows before to explain that the fucking apocalypse is going on and got hung up with it. Those bastards are trying to censor me. That's why the movie started off with the guy saying, well, didn't Graham would just

say it was going to be the apocalypse during the Gulf War, because these people had to answer that charge against themselves. They've all been yelled at by Matt Dilla, and he's right, right, exactly. Then Helen comes in, and she's questioning Lynn Parker about how come he's the head of the studio now. And like, Lynn Parker could have just said, said oh he got raptured or anything, but instead they have a riddle off like fucking golem He's like oh Be around anymore. She's like did you kill him? I didn't not not kill him

Yeah, and yeah, no, you already bet to this Yeah, and yeah, no, you already mentioned this. Remember this is the guy who shot the head of yeah, so and therefore he's in charge of how is he in charge of WNN? Like that he just walked onto the set with a dead body. Like yeah, boss got shot in a face or something. So dibs. And I wanted to do our taxes. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Exactly. The Eli Bosnick Taxation Theory. And now Bronson is back to the US so that they can go live together from the anchor desk and like, conjoined twins live together. They are so close. It's like a bit from fucking from Borat, right? This is the bit of Borat forgot. They might as well be spooning on the news desk where they deliver the report. Yeah. Clunk in heads together as they talk. It was hilarious. And what was so hilarious is they clearly didn't realize that this was visually insane.

Yeah. So, uh, No, because this is very clearly them. The people who made this movie not wanting to do a two shot. So, it was just like, we're in a little more guys and they turned to someone, they turned to Brian and they were like, Brian, is that, not too close and he was like,

no, that looks fucking great. Sorry, what? i said it looks great i mean i just i like this is that there are a number of similar notes later on but this was my first one where i'm like how can they not know how sitting next to one another works like i understand when they don't know how like finances work or aircraft worker whatever but they've clearly sat next to people are watched at happened before but yeah I guess they just have the one lens so uh... and so now the antichrist is about to address everyone right that's what

they're saying on the news is that the antichrist is going to give a big speech again all in english everyone in the world speaks english despite the fact that they start this off showing us r and France and he's going okay So here's his speech basically I have in my hand a Bible Turns out Jesus was bullshit. I'm the real guy called it He's opening thing is this book is really great But it is also very confusing Fuck Jesus Is this gonna read well?

Like even if it's true, this is probably not the best way. Sorry, let me start over. And Asian women have sideways vaginas. Sorry, that's what we need. Third take, third take. Oh, this is life. That's your sixth. How many does he get?

We just found. No, there's your six. So how many does he get? We just, we just, now, no, there's no conference. We just name numbers, apparently. No, I just want to know those for the edit later. So also, by the way, you can tell he's super evil, because he says at one point, like, this is the next step in our evolution. You know, so, yeah, there's also.

There's also a parody, the bad guy, yeah. And yeah, small thing here, you mentioned they're broadcasting all over the world to definitely not English-speaking places. They also, they show us, this is Prague, Czechoslovakia, which is what up five years before the movie was made. Just get like a map. And later, they will very badly not get a map

when they claim they're getting a map. We'll get to it. Yeah, exactly, I think I know where we're going with that one. There's also two amazing shots. They definitely at one point are trying to find like crowds that aren't writing so so they find what could not more clearly be music festivals. Yep So we get a bunch of shots of like 1992 Noah listening to Bonnaroo But they've just photoshopped in president macaroni and cheese

yeah exactly exactly yeah yeah and if it's very possible that i am in one or two of these shots um... but yes so but while he's given the speech hellen and broncin perl or sit at the but the uh... newsdesk together and she's writing notes in class to warn him that they need to get out of there because that is probably the devil okay But why a note they're sitting on top of each other just You're in his face

On the air and a microphone you don't remember that shot of his microphone Well, but she's inside of him She could hear him thinking it yeah but i wanted to start playing hangman with the note i don't know what he did and i know that i'm not i wanted to pass it over in the fridge to just be like do you believe he's the anti christ check yes no also okay and this is kind of minor in in in the grand scheme of the things they

fuck up in this movie right but then the two of them walk away together kind of unexpectedly and the bad guys in the production room and he has them like zoom in with like a secret camera that he's had. That's behind the anchors. Whatever reason. See whisper. Exactly. So we're hearing Professor Manacotti's like speech during this and it had been a while since we've done an apocalypse movie And I'd forgotten the kind of dialogue they need to get the antichrist where he's like believe in yourself. You can do great things Yeah, right and that's how you know the evil right

So weird and then he calls for the goons. He goes, uh, Domi, prober, let's go. And this is one of my favorite little details in this movie. Domi and prober, Ty Domi and Bob Bromber are too notorious NHL players who are fight rivals. And these guys are very clearly showing their Canadian roots here and they couldn't make up names. They were like, the goons, Domi, Domi, prober, that's it. We're thinking that's fine. that's fine well all right well that's more clever than i thought this movie ever got so kudos to them there though where you just reached a special place in thomasmith's heart he's rolling right now with his sharks jersey

is that how i'm all it from the late nineties that's how he plays that anyway so i don't know if thomas that haircut, but everybody in this movie did. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. And so now we get a Bronson and Helen arriving at her house where she can convict, because Bronson, of course, just thinks the antichrist as well, which has apparently been the only conversation they've had this entire drive home. So he's, and she's like, no, he's clearly the antichrist.

He's like, can you prove it? She's like, well, what about these Jim Baker VHS tapes that I have? We are reporters. This is evidence. I'd rather let you see for yourself on tape 476 that my grandmother bought for just 999. I wanted a phone number to start bouncing beneath them. I'm really surprised it didn't. I honestly am surprised that the movie didn't end with you can get your own copy of these tapes for. And by the way, we watch this again, like a full minute plus of this. And this is not a different segment of this show within

the show, right? We're watching again, a minute that we saw earlier when she put these tapes in. And they watched the thing. Bronson's still skeptical and everyone's pissed at him. She's like, well, if Pat Robertson isn't proofing off, then fuck you, you're being a big girl. You can't beat him. And Vinson's response, he goes, yeah, well, my dad was into Jesus, but he's dead now. Standard atheist rebuttal, of course.

They're so dismissive. Because he's dead. Right. And there's a so dismissive ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha according to the encyclopedia all of the box any craze was supposed to come from the roman empire like they admit that but this is a new apologetic i never heard according the encyclopedia the u.n. is identical to the roman empire of biblical times and uh... i i i don't know much about history was america in the roman empire and japan actually she said the e u which is slightly less ridiculous

maybe is it is it almost as ridiculous or equally in some sense like northern africa the middle east not in the uh... got one yeah stuff north of the ryan is in the european you know you so yeah yeah it's just it's it's an insane fucking thing to say, but she's going like, yes, but the Roman Empire is the European Union. Obviously, that's what God meant. He was fairly clear about that in the hallucinations. So yeah, basically, the sentence was just barely cohesive enough to be wrong. Anyway, be even more wrong with Britain soon. Well, you're right.

But yeah, but Bronson still isn't by in this shit. He's he's done with her silly rapture nonsense. And Bronson's two firing shots are you're going right off the deep end and I'm not going with you. And and essentially tell your God to say it to my face. Yeah. That's great. So we're actually doing this. We're reading the Bible to decide if a magical demon is the leader of Europe. And someone's like, yes, we're doing that. And I wanted to montage where they like eat Chinese food with chopsticks. I'm the box here.

Just staring at each other. Yeah. Yeah. Johnson spills a little on the Bible. They got to get a different one. It's not the King James. They got a different one. So yeah, I guess with Bronson's soul hanging precipitously in the balance here, we'll pause for another break. But before we do, let me give act three, the hard sell here.

Can they coax another 35 minutes out of this movie with nothing but stock footage? Will this movie contain a black person? What have I done to deserve this fate? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the mind-bogglingly boring conclusion of Apocalypse, caught in the eye of the storm. My lord, we the angels are ready to begin the rapture. Excellence. On your word, my lord. We the angels are ready to begin the rapture. Excellent.

On your word, my lord. Yes, just one thing. When you steal away all the true believers? Yes, my lord. Could you make sure you fold their clothes? Oh. Fold their clothes? Yeah, you know, nice and neat, nothing crazy. I just like standard clothing folds.

God, I'm a warrior angel. I don't know how to fold clothes, like you say. Like you're saying. Like the nice thing with the shirts with a square mouth, like at Macy's? Nope, no idea. Just a warrior angel, made of fire. You know, I could turn some people to salt.

No, that's... this is really about the close folding thing. We have to have someone up here that can fold close, right? Oh, what about Kevin? He went to Earth and worked at the gap for a summer, right? All that's right he did. Some in Kevin at once. for a summer, right? All that's right he did! Summon Kevin at once! Sure! Sure, no problem.

Uh, Kevin? Angel... Kevin? Someone called my name? Uh, need some clothes, Foldin. Cause I can tuck a shirt like Drag Queen on prom night. There he is. Hi, hi, Kevin.

Ugh, don't hide me, Grouse. I think you'll be perfect. Are we rapturing any napkins? Because I can make that swan thing. Pull it through. Ellen's grandma, you must come with me and as I, the angel Gabriel. Oh, Gabriel, it's long- last. I am ready to ascend heaven. Take my hand, child.

Sure, sure, just let me write my granddaughter a note. Oh, what? A note. I just, you know, don't want her to worry. She's going to write her a quick note. Yeah. So, you're not really supposed to write notes. Like a thief in the night, you know?

Yes, well this thief is gonna leave a note. I won't be a minute now. Where did I put my paper? Nothing that Oh, oh, I'm sorry am I keeping you? Do you have somewhere to be? I'm a good Christian. I got fucked three times Amber you can wait like two minutes while I write a note to my grandma. No, you're right, no, it's fine. It's fine, I can wait. Okay, good. Do you... Helen?

Fuck. Oh, you started with that language. Now I need to start over, I'm just blotted my ink. I hate this job. Hoop to liver when you said that nasty word, but I have fresh clothes up there in heaven. And we're back for more B roll and we're going to open with bummed out church shots and breathy Christian music. Yeah. My music note here was warm up back for the news boys. The only place where you can imagine this being the appropriate soundtrack. Yeah. But eventually we get back to the news station after we see some like cemeteries that have been

vandalized for whatever I don't push us over Graves' tones because it whatever during the apocalypse. Yeah, who the cow tipping? I don't understand. I get it. So, but Bronson is back to work. Helen didn't show show up but he showed up because fuck her inner stupid christian stig moda but the boss is angry that she isn't there so he like demands that broncin like come back and explain why she didn't show up at work yeah and broncin's like no I'm not telling um so you want to have a horse face contest? Fargo's like yes, and also gay chicken. Fine. So they do that. That was fun. Once again,

Millimeters from one another's face throughout this scene. I thought they were gonna start clacking their foreheads together like certain ram I love it. I know it here by the way is Bronson is angry talking. That's his angry talking face. There's also this amazing moment after their little tense standoff with their butt shins. Um, they're gonna fucking dock each other on the chin. He goes, look, we're gonna bring peace to the world. Who has a problem with that? And then Bronson says, said the spider to the fly, which is how I'm going to respond to everything I don't like for the rest of my life.

And also, so if this guy had said like, I'm going to help trap the world in a web of evil, that would have been innocuous. What are why it's like, what are we? Yeah, but again, but the concede of this movie and of this religion on which it is based is that if anyone seems to be getting close to world peace, fuck that guy, right? So we have to just like go in there with that assumption that if anybody's like, oh, we've achieved world peace,

we've got to be like bad guy. How long? That's yeah. How many exactly years will that be? See them. I love to like how they clearly have heard words used in movies before but didn't understand why they were being used at those moments because they have all of these moments in the script where like this would make sense if other words were at the center of it. Give you an example. He says, you know, he's like,

if anyone wants to stand between us and world peace, we'll have to eliminate them. To which Bronson says eliminate, don't beat around the bush here. What do you mean? I'm like, I feel like a lemonade really does say at all. That is very clearly murder that person. The torn out page of like i mean i

mean i was very clear kill play koi with me what you didn't even name a weapon so but broncin isn't buying this world peace bullshit so he calls grandma's house to look for a Helen who's not there but there is some evil guy going through her stuff why no reason oh no wait I'm sorry there is a reason it's amazing technically it's amazing it's an amazing reason remember this scene put a pin in this fucking scene

there was a guy going through a hell's grandma's shit. It was joe me or prober. Yeah. Yeah. It was one of the two of them. It was joe me. It's the shorter one. Um, and now, of course, we have to get this, this scene where they in painful detail, explain to grandma who's watching this, how a 12 second delay works. Oh my God. So weird. Yeah, Parker, he's the like anti-Christ minion guy who shoots him, someone and now runs WNN. He goes up to the tech guy and he's like, so you know, I'm worried about somebody saying something and they're like, oh, give you a, give you a 12 second delay. And Parker has to ask, he's like, oh, what's a 12 second delay?

I've heard of ten second delays yeah it's like that but bigger this is like uh... two-minute dialogue we have in this he's like it's a delay of twelve seconds i want him so badly to be like what's a 12 second delay and for the other guy to just be like That's what we cut to the totally real rabbi and priest talking about how fantastic macaroni and cheese is. And the rabbi, the priest is sort of doing his thing, but the guy playing the rabbi is leaning on the banister in the craziest, the only way

if you watched the Ben Stein movie, the way that that Jewish guy was just always lounging, I think it's genetic, like that might be the new Tay Sachs is like our floor ribs don't work. That's your nine. He's about to start singing. like that might be the new tastes acts is like our floor ribs don't work that's your nine he's about to start singing come to me melancholy baby and the message of what he's saying as he's so precariously lounges is is the most important thing to take away from this is that

uh... mac alluzzo is god you know he's he's the he's the real deal and the rabbi's agree i love that they have a christian and a jiu both agreeing that this guy is god they will not let the muslims play it i want to walk into a bar later just our fun that is not a detail by the way these these leaders all met in bond Germany, not a part of the Roman Empire in biblical times. No, it turns out also this actor's Jewish voice think of Noah doing all accents. That's been nailed.

He was a communist, but anyway, so now he's on to announce that they have reached a full and comprehensive peace agreement for guess how long? Seven years. I wanted him so badly to be like six years and wait. Seven months, a bunch of disappointed Christians like, man, I thought I was just really mad at really successful you and represent everybody go down yeah like bon kimon would probably try a little harder to make something like this happen if a fucking third of the world would call in the anti christmas right fucking deal god damn it

well i love to that he just sort of tax on like it's just a writer he goes oh and by the way it comes with a new constitution for the entire planet also by the way in case you yeah, right. So yeah, so and then of course Helen is watching this all unfold from a hotel room where she's in hiding somewhere Talking to herself and then to God, which is the same thing, but whatever She's just saying her thoughts out loud so that we the audience can understand the plot apparently. I guess.

Also, music note here, Jesus wrote into town on a horse made a justice. Haas and little Joe are spying on me. It could not be more bizarrely high-noon Jesus music. And again, if you pay the attention to the lyrics in any of the songs in this movie, they are all fucking amazing. Because whatever the style is, they're singing about Jesus coming and murdering a bunch of people and the world catching on fire. Anyway, so she leaves that she's driving now and the bad guys are driving behind her.

And we get a Canadian car chase. Ladies and gentlemen, this is just people driving 33 miles an hour. Can't forget my signal. It's not this turn. I just want you to know. Waving people in at the good news section. The slowest, most polite car chase. I get milk with more abandon than this car chase.

And he's a vegan. So yeah, and so in one point, and it's almost impossible to tell what's going on here, because it doesn't even seem, you have to like retroactively realize that this was a car chase. Well, you can't see sometimes because they're shooting directly at the headlights of the car for about half of it. They are stupid. So at one point, the welder's shooting directly at the headlights.

She gets out of the car and runs off the high in the bushes. The bad guy stops steps out of his car. She's that her car is running with the door open. And he says she must have gone up on the roof classic classic the old run out of the car hiding the bushes tricks of the assume on the roof trick what a weird fucking thing to play he's been playing too much assassin's greed I guess everyone look for a big thing a hey she's gonna land in that so anyway so we leave her in parol or whatever running away

uh... and then we cut back to broadson who's now leaving work mumbling to himself about seven year treaties prophecy to the bible right but he's doing like a like a comedy bit like it could have been a five year treaty. No, could have been a ten year treaty, but no, and he's seven years. So he gets in his car and there's a package waiting for him that contains a Bible and a cassette tape.

This was made in 1998 or it was released in 98 anyway. Did you want to point that out? We were beyond cassette tape in 98. Anyway, so it has a cassette tape with yet more Christian evangelism on it for us to listen to. And this is our answer to why doesn't God show himself? And The answer is, if you wonder why God doesn't provide any proof, you should stop asking for proof. Well, okay, that's your proof. So here's the apologetic that they just crammed into this movie with no setup or no reason whatsoever.

God doesn't show himself because without faith, you wouldn't believe in the afterlife. If you had proof that the afterlife existed, you wouldn't have faith in it. That is their fucking, that is their A to B to A logic. This is like a high school logic problem. I feel like I should solve for Q at some point. During this tape,, music note here. Let me put some rose petals on this heart shaped bed

and wait for you with this rose in my teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Got to felt like, hey, you want to lose your virginity to the bangles or boys to men? Both. Both. Both.

Perfect. Also, Nat King calls Christmas album. All right, let's do that. Do you have a splitter? Is there another schritter? I'm losing my virginity to the band, Boys to Men, and the band, the bangles. You know what I mean? We know in love.

Gentle lover. Great, Boys to Men. If I could get that on a t-shirt, I'd wear it. So, now we get to one of the most amazing moments in the history of film. Okay, so Bronson goes driving and eventually winds up in a graveyard he's going to talk to his father's graves don't because you know how atheist like to talk to dead people anyway so he's gonna go and talk to his father's graves stone about how his dad could be Christian even when the evidence all suggested that

he's wrong. Yep. And I wanted so badly for the grave to turn into a gym, hence in Muppet that talks back. Like I wanted so badly reverse shot for the Ivy to open up and be like, Oh, bro, notice you've got your dad's forehead. If your dad was indeed a gravestone, here's the actual conversation we get.

Oh, please. The gravestone, not, the muffit would have been way better than this, but dad's like, so, yeah, this guy, Franco Macaluso, he brought peace to the world. Is that good? And then, nothing, dad's dead person. You know, yeah, right, right, yeah.

That's the whole thing. Well, second delay. Um, so, he, he he and and and of course this and this is this absolute oscar clip right uh... he puts everything he's caught into this scene with his dead dead but then he runs to the car to check his bible because apparently he just remembered something from the book of revelations or whatever and found it with one page turn of the bible

well he the moonlight shines on dad's grave and that won't on dad's grave is this verse in thessalonians about how the dead will disappear during revelation all is that was i got i got it got you right okay cuz my note here was how can they not know how opening a bible works uh... you know okay but but they did, okay, as long as they cover that up.

Yeah, it was a moonlight and his dad was like, hey, when I go and they were like, what Bible passage do you want? And he was like, what are most people getting? They were like, you know, some people get John 316, some people get now I've laid to rest. And he was like, and they're what about dead people vanishing after the apocalypse?

Like their bodies literally like, poof, like, yes, I want that one. All right, so it was even more surprising than to me than it was to you, what happened in the next scene. Oh, I wish to live your experience. Just watching this movie and the guys like fuck it Digging up the grave Yeah, he digs up his father's grave about 10 seconds He's six feet under and a large birth around it. Yeah, thanks Oh and crazy billionaire money remake of this movie exact same movie

But he opens up the coffin and the bodies in there and he's just like oh Oh opens up the coffin and the body's in there and he's just like, oh, oh, fuck, I don't know how I'm going to explain this to anybody. Just a note that says I murdered several people. That's why I'm still here. But of course, instead he opens up the coffin that he's just dug up by hand with his shovel in an evening and his dad's clothes are all folded up inside his funerary clothes, which brings up the question what they do with cremated people.

I just mean in OC because I know they're supposed to like come back to life or whatever, but in OCD rapture, the ashes that formed their clothes get put into a deep little pile or something. Yeah, I think that would make them most sense. Exactly. That would make the most sense. Okay. All right.

Yeah. I really wanted to just put the suit on though at this point. Just be like, ah. That's a pretty nice suit. Pretty nice suit. Hold it. It seems dry cleaned. Queen and press.

Yeah. We'll call it stays. Seems dry cleaned and pressed. Now, Colourst days. Now, do some Norman bait stuff later. Yeah, so, and of course, Dad's Bible was also there. He opens the Bible and discovers that it says the same thing in that passage as his Bible, which seems to surprise him for some reason. And now it's day six. We're getting there.

We're almost done. And, of course, we're back at We're back at the goddamn news set because that's the only set that they had and evil guy is telling one of the text to like Oh spliced this other footage in or whatever to make it look like people like Macadonia better than they do or whatever and His his goons have Helen under arrest now I don't think that of a news network and have people arrested yet and i don't get in there and don't get me wrong with bannons on board with them i'm just saying also did she fuck up the roof trick like you know i like wait don't go on the

roof i'm right here they were waiting around that pile of hay. That's exactly what it was. So yeah, but we did not see the part where this happened, right? She is just all of a sudden now captured. Again, this pays off in the most amazing possible way, but she, so she just shows up and we're just, oh, she's now captured. I see. And this is where they, they talk so that he can monologue about the plot and how secretly evil macaroni salad really is oh my god and and then Okay, we cut to

macaroni salad like given a speech and his speech is like you have snitches among you And the crowd we like get a quick cut of the crowd, which includes Santa for some reason, like, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, r, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, r, r, r, r actually say the haters. The haters. They will use this term throughout the rest of the film to denote the people who don't like the antichrist. And then they cut to this fucking interview, this man on the street interview where everyone's just like running by, running by, and one got, this is how they set this thing up.

One guy stops, like he's gonna say, fuck her right in the pussy. And he's gonna look it in, and he goes, he goes like, and he goes like, oh, what do you think, sir? And he starts to be like, oh, I don't like the Christians. And then it pivots. And there's another woman next to him. So we're supposed to believe this running crowd just stopped and they're like, everyone line up for your interview, which is un-affed, unprovoked interview. And she says, we're all gods, gotta kill the haters. Yeah.

Well, yeah, right. Okay, so and that's the important thing that we have to point out here is that when the anti-Christ is making his speech, he starts off by saying, guess what, guys, you all have magic powers, Ray. And I'm going to teach you how to use all those magic powers just as soon as we kill all the Christians and everyone is on board. The actual quote from the lady at the very end, she goes, whatever it takes, we got to get rid of those haters that stand in our way. Yeah, that's wow.

Reason Rally in a nutshell. That's the message. That's what that girl's saying about Yeah, exactly exactly so now we get more news footage of non Christians being persecuted with voices over top saying look at all the Christians being persecuted And this was like really the grossest part of them it was the worst part Yes, because they they show like actual police beatings and actual dead bodies and actual like real tragedy and they're like this is what it's gonna be like for us and it's like you mean what it's like when you do this to other people I recognize some of these from like being your fault and they're like ah nice movie come on yeah and also it's gone again because everything has crazy inappropriate music and this has sort of like a whatever like three people dancing in a field together kind of a feel to it. While we're watching actual footage of people being beaten to death in the streets and shit.

And then this, this montage, this horrible, horrible montage eventually feeds right into a report from Bronson about all of the bible burning that everyone's enjoying together and and again i i know that a lot of these movies are like no you you do that but again christian but that's not who do the book burning sexiness and not ours right yet you imagine if a the exact like us that's the conceit of this film

uh... i love to this is an actual line. He goes, the world is united in a common hatred of Christianity and Jesus Christ. So it's not just you, it's the horse you rode in on to. Right. And that's when he breaks through and he's like, no, I'm telling you, this is all wrong. We're doing it all wrong. And they use that handy, handy 12-second delay that we heard about earlier and He gets arrested by the

random atheist CNN police I get what of course Yeah, why would that not be a thing? Yeah, an important little detail here agent Domis right there in the the booth and he tells the tech guy to record this Anyway, even though we're using the twelve second delay recorded anyway uh... yeah and this little conversation it happens at full volume like to be the way

the right right whisper whisper whisper yeah uh... and and so yes he gets arrested and now finally it is day god damn seven uh... they stole this vehicle from buster beaten by the way one week much much better movie and it's short it's a short

anyway so now is day seven and i i i just i have to say this rapture looks awesome yeah it's again more music festivals well right here because that's a shot of everyone from port towns in washington uh... right exactly so worldwide bonnaroo in the middle of this fucking apocalypse These are shots of everyone from port towns in Washington. Right. Exactly.

It's a worldwide bonner row in the middle of this fucking apocalypse. So of all the apocalypse is that we could live out. This is the one I want most plus you have all these clothes. You know, there'd be like something in your size. I'm sure. That's true. Yeah. Need to fold it.

Yeah. Well, right, I impressed and pressed so it depends on them and shit. I wouldn't have to steal panties anymore. Oh, I like this It's true. It's part of the thrill of the hunt. Yeah, I'm in for you Kelly Calberg Nine So all the Christians are in this like horse trailer, which is supposed to be a jail thing and Bronson and Helen end up in the same jail. We're mute cute, huh?

One of the chances. They're like walking in two lines of prisoners. I wanted them to just like stop both lines to have a talk. Yeah, right. It's fun. And also, I love the little, because there's a scene here where like the guards are roughing him up.

You know, and it's like such obvious Jesus parallels to where the one guy says at one point, he's like, and I swear this is the goddamn line. He says, I here by W. King of the haters. Oh my, it's amazing. He also has this great moment where he fakes punches him and it's not the fakes punch that still goes to the Mormon musical.

But like his hand goes straight up in the air and Bronson goes the wrong direction. When he stands up, he's got ketchup on his chin. It's just everything is in the wrong place and the wrong way. And Helen's like, you remember when you said my friends were bitches? I went, when we got to go back into that, if we're in the same Holocaust truck horse van train

thing, we're going to talk about this. And they're the right time. It's never the right time. The funniest thing that happened in this movie was the location scouting. I'm sure that that was the most holy, like, if you could be involved in one portion of this film and only one, that would have been your fly on the wall moment Locations got in was a drawer full of old tapes so And this is where we learn that a

Bronson's gonna be publicly executed on TV That everyone's watching and I feel like that's a little bit of a shift like don't get me wrong. I think I'd be into the whole music festival thing, but I think when they were like, all right, next up we're gonna kill Bill Mar on now. The little television, I'd be like, that's weird. And the thing is, is okay, they didn't let him go live with the stuff that he said, right? Because like, he made the public declaration of, oh no, this guy's the anti-Christ and Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. But they caught him off.

So nobody knows that. So now they're just killing this reporter that everyone knows for a reason they don't know. Anyway, yeah, so they announced that this is a day of love complete with an execution. And that's everyone's pretty stoked. And so basically, as he's being like, led out, right? Helen is in the other horse trailer, and she yells at him this weird, like, pep talk.

She's like, you have to understand, Brunson, we had a plan, and I had a plan, but we didn't trust God's plan. Who's plan do you think is better? And he's like, I don't't know this one seems to involve me dying Hours Did you try hiding on the roof? But not the roof I made the same mistake. It's okay and yeah because like all raps your movies

We have to at some point acknowledge that nothing that any of the characters do matters because it's God's fucking plan. So once again, they have erased if they get to the end of the movie and it's like, oh, we could have just stayed at home and played along. Right? Yeah. Anyway. So yeah, so now they come get Bronson and they lead him out to kill him.

But first he's got to give a little pep talk to everybody else in the cell. Yeah, and even worse pep, his pep talk is, look, nobody is gonna touch it. Hair on our heads, unless God allows that to happen, in which case that's gonna suck for us, but, but, still, huh? Right? Right?

All right, everybody, bye. Enjoy this music footage that Anja didn't use. Yeah, you're right. And also I love to, on the way out there, they're telling them, like, you like good ratings, right? Well, your execution is expected to get great ratings. I'm like, that was nice of them to tell him that. I would want to know.

And then just as they're about to, he literally turns him and goes 10 seconds to midnight. And then just as they're about to hang him, his super out of context motivational speech appears on TV because it turns out Dan from Sports Night, who was one of the the bad guys was a good guy after all. And he's the one by the way that was looking through grandma shit earlier. So I believe what we're supposed to think is that he was convinced by grandma's stuff. Yeah. Right. Like he too watched grandma's video collection and became convinced that he was working

for the anti-Christ. So he launched this massive plan, which includes by the way, the fact that he was working for the anti-Christ so he launched this massive plan which includes by the way the fact that he was secretly filming when she was talking to the minion guy who is admitting that mac allusa was really an evil person yet he ledger's the joker would have thought this plan was too complicated uh... but there's this amazing moment so he's locked himself in the producers room and he's playing this on tv and the bad guy is like get that off there

Get that off of there, but he's locked himself in and they have really long shots of people like through the glass being like Fuck you Fuck you Tony Listen Stop. Yeah, but they can't pound on the glass because they can't afford it if they broke something But the scene is like eight minutes long so you can see like there's a guy in the back who's just win milling his arms She's like I'm also upset this gesture isn't taken

Just doing King Tutton the background I'm just trying to incantate the background Hey, my carina my carina We got it right and of course the whole montage ends with that same televangelist from earlier the poor man's Jim Baker or whatever Telling us about how we should just take Jesus into our life right now, just in case. And like most people are like, what the fuck is this? But we see one or two people are being convinced by this.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. That's this movie saying, I know you think this is bullshit, but I bet somebody who watches it doesn't. I know you think this is bullshit, but I don't. Right, yeah exactly exactly uh... and then of course we get some quotes at the end where it's like the tribulation period will last for seven years but we're only gonna make you suffer through the first seven days

you're welcome and then if you bible quotes in the whole thing wraps they eight now it's not yet no all right so whenever it's not. Yeah, no. That's the thing. All right. So whenever it's possible, I always like when we get through these movies, I always check the IMDB trivia page and most of them don't have an IMD me page that we do. But I always see if there's anything worth bringing up and and there's not. And in fact, when I searched it, IMDB asked me like, if I was sure twice and then offered up a suicide prevention hotline number, but but there was something listed in factual errors for this movie that struck me as amazing. Okay, this is a direct quote.

Franco MacCalluso is the anti-Christ. He sometimes wears glasses. This would not occur in reality because the anti-Christ is Satan of fallen angel and he cannot be killed. Therefore he would not need glasses to correct his vision. That is listed under a factual error. Now I have plenty of issues with the logic in that, with the factuality, et cetera, et cetera. But the biggest problem I have is like that for someone out there That is where the movie lost them really Glacier's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, this is bullshit Dear

Logan brother brother And I find myself forced to correct a Everyday oversight as we know it. Currently working as the Star Wars consultant. Yeah. Right. Right. I'm sure he tweets as the helpful fundamentalist.

So, but I figured though, like this is a clear indication that IMDB could really use our help. So in the spirit of this factual error, are there any other factual errors you'd like to suggest for this movies i m d b page uh... see chemical weapons do not follow you around like cartoon cloud pretty sure that's not a car too not see cloud uh... africa's not in europe now that i don't know good one good one

totally realistic that god would fold people's clothes but uh... plastic collar stance or you fucking kidding me ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Rather than rate this movie on a traditional scale, I thought we could sum it up by answering a quick apocalypse related question What is the worst end of the world scenario that you would choose to experience if it meant you never had to watch this movie again? Ooh I'd fuck a human-faced scorpion horse-locus thing like a hot one Yeah, yeah, I think we've all been there. I'm going to go with Muslim apocalypse, but you're hearing kids, easy past the hell,

plus my own angel who's super upset at how into being led around by chains and eating filth, I am. I got nothing else, guys. This is all I got. I have to, I'm a two trick pony here. You wait till we get to the soup. I'm a vegan. Damn it. Damn it. And I guess well that does it for a review of Apocalypse caught in the eye of the storm

That's not gonna do it for this episode just yet because we still have three more of these motherfuckers to do so Eli remind us What's on deck apocalypse to Revelation, let's hope for some scorpion horse locusts or something in this one. Now I gotta be honest I'm a little worried Stock footage They were looking everywhere for it. By the way, there are three versions of this on YouTube. One in 26 parts, one where the sound isn't synced and one that appears to just be the movie. So if you'd like to watch along, either of them seem to be fine.

Any of them. They're not fine. Exactly. We'll have the one that works on our Facebook page, of course. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 68 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earn early access to every episode.

You can also help us to ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Trap Sun Mars and was used with permission.

If you like, wait here, here, and more by following the links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for a Heathen right knee-line boss, Nick Omnolusian's promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Moose, brown filly, back again. Jesus. Bronson asked God to forgive him and almost went to heaven, but then he rested his chin on his knuckles for a second and went to hell for sodomy.

The guy who dug Bronson's dad's corpse up years earlier continued to fuck it for almost a decade. Noah told my secret about digging up Bronson's dad's corpse going here and I'm not speaking to him in here. He's telling me like I said I'm sorry. By dying by day with Jesus. There was a more dramatic reading than anything that we got in this movie. That's true. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man.

I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'mP.O.C.L.P. steaming yeah Alright one Roll that on your business car as well

Don't worry we'll cut that out. He like that I'm sorry I surprised myself with that That's your eight I'm gonna win it That's your 8. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha el extremo LLC Cabrera 2016, All Rights Reserved. un sueño de verano, Bayhues Sintal Quesur.