God Awful Movies - 69: GAM069 Apocalypse 2: Revelation

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

On this week's show, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Apocalyse 2: Revelation; a heart-warming buddy cop movie where a hardened detective looking for clues that can lead him to his family, and his wacky, wheelchair-bound sidekick team up to take on the antichrist. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bayguésville Parque Sur. The movie? No moment dark enough where this character doesn't go like more like holocaust. You know what I'm saying? Jim and Mia!

Oh my god dude, it is so fucking bad a couple of times in this film. I'm a rape of times in this film. I'm a... Rapin' and King-N-E-S Yeah! Ha ha ha ha! You guys just go in back through its own personal history and send... What's gotten me some really bad looks today? Um... Ha ha ha ha ha! movie

Welcome back to the gamecast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because somebody has to watch this shit And we didn't want it to be you I'm your host no illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath welcome back Thank you. You know, you know, who's a good actor? A great actor. Gary, you see. He is not in this movie. We're getting there. We're getting there.

And of course, sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? It's episode 69. And yeah, yeah. We should definitely should have thought that out. We should have done a fucking Christian porn. Damn it. Anyway, tell us what will we be breaking down today instead of a Christian porn?

Sadly, we watched Apocalypse 2 Revelation. It's the continuing story of what happens after the famous rapture of 1998 starting about three months after all the Christian people vanished. And if you remember, that's when the Antichrist started working on a plot that involved virtual reality. I like to call it a Pocculips Rift. The movie. Oh. I like to call it a Pocky Lips Rift. The movie. Oh. Boy, with that joke, never work in any other circumstance.

Congratulations. We found it. We found it. It's been my mission since the beginning and Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love buddy cop movies, but you hate the fact that you haven't been stolen away by a ghost, you will love this movie. It's like 60% hackers, 20% Colombo, and 20% Kirk Cameron Knight terror. It's a bizarre fucking combination of things, whatever combination.

Like, there is no way that you could like lay out the formula of this movie without sounding at least that insane. Yeah. All right, so one of the things I like about doing film series is that it allows me to recycle the A segment material even more than usual. So with that in mind, I wanted to start off comparing this flick with his predecessor.

So would you say that apocalypse two is better or worse than apocalypse one in terms of making the apocalypse look like a bad thing? Oh, uh, worse, much worse. Christians are gone and I get wish fulfilling the archoggles. You're losing me. You're losing me hard. I'm gonna agree.

I'm gonna say worse. I'm really into women with disabilities and this one. We'll explain later. We'll explain later. If you're in the last week's scathing, you get it. Yeah, I mean, Russ and Brandon are on the same page. So how about in terms of making the good guys seem like the good guys. I'm going to say better. Nobody seems to be pro nuclear holocaust in this one outwardly. At least the Christian people don't express that opinion out loud.

Anymore. I'm going to go with better as well. For the same reason, actually, these guys at least are looking to stop someone from killing all the humans. I mean, aside from God, I've already killed all the humans, but now they don't want any more humans. All the other. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. All right. Well, this seems at least through two movies to be something of a hallmark of the series.

So is this one better or worse in terms of ridiculous eyebrows? Much better. The eyebrows in this movie are the shorts of thief in the night. the eyebrows in this movie are the shorts of thief in the night. All right, well, you guys are making fun, but enormous caterpillars on your face are sexy. My mom told me how many caterpillars died in the making of this film. All right. And of course, apparently the producers couldn't get Sam Bornstein back. So you think this one was better or worse in terms of the do they cast as the

anti Christ. Oh, much better. I love that. I just want to lay my head in his lap and listen to him. Read Dr. Seuss. Hours. Love his voice. I said better than Sam Borstein, but worse than Vladimir Putin clone, we got and left behind, but better than orange Alfred Hitchcock that we got in thief in the night. All right. All right. The way in there. Yeah.

He's probably the third somewhere around third, fourth best anti-Christ. We've seen it. He's a list that exists in our life. Oh, God. All right. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst out? Yes. best worst

Computer-y word. Oh God. Oh, great. Just general understanding of technology. Yeah, right. Yeah It points in this movie they even have to be like yeah sure shit ain't no technology words We can wrap around that to make it make sense must be magic Must be some magic in that VR now to make it make sense must be magic must be some magic in that VR. Oh, best worst when it's time for the second banana to make jokes. Oh my God. After a while I was like am I in this movie? Do I have to Spanish?

I'm calling my mom. I remember the postman was awful charming. I need to know now. I will not mock my mom. I remember the postman was awful charming. I need to know. I will not mock my blood. Also, and we're going to get to this. I really don't want to give it away because it is the only thing that I would consider a spoiler about this movie. Best, worst problem of evil response. And I am including you're just going to have to figure that out, baby. Yeah, right. He's real a man, Rob God. This is worse than you're just going to have to figure that out.

No, it is, it is at least maybe one shade below, go fuck yourself. But yeah, it's when we get there, and it was an amazing, amazing moment. I was just like, holy shit, Those king of keys had some changle All right Well, there's one thing we've learned doing this show is that Jesus is gonna be here any second from 1998 and we're gonna get what's coming to us So we're gonna keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dig into all the techno babble holy babble and regular babble That is apocalypse to

revelation That is a apocalypse to revelation. Oh God damn it guys. Oh hey no perfect. See that boom over there? Move that? Yeah, move it right over here. Yeah like that. Yeah, get the light right up in there.

Okay, yeah that should be great. What are you guys doing? Oh hey no, we're making a movie. Why? Oh yeah, so after you said we couldn't open an atheist coffee shop in bakery, me and Eli realized these Christian apocalypse movies are great. So we're making our very own fantasy fulfillment movie. Yeah, yeah, it's called Size Doesn't Matter.

Mm-hmm. Guys, please. Yeah, it's a feel good drama about two super funny comedians who are the last men on earth when all the girls they asked out realize that they totally missed out. Guys, guys, nobody. Sorry, no, one sec. Okay, Michelle, this is the big monologue where you admit the clitoris doesn't exist and you just pretended it did because me and Eli were so funny You were intimidated by it, but it doesn't yeah, and then you talk about abs being gross. Oh gross

Black And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with their a long time ago in a galaxy far far away scroll and they actually use the following we have no idea where the bad guys were in quote except for a small band of resistors a divided world was instantly transformed into one of peace harmony and love and quote the heroes of this movie then will be the people who resist the global harmony. Fix that. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Uh, and then we get the sweet, sweet slow jam. We'd all been waiting for. Oh, so much.

I've been ready. It was lovely, little any man underwater, whatever. Also, we walk through this entire house. I have no doubt that it was like, hey, I'd love to introduce this movie But I'd also love to show my lovely home in an open house Is there any way you combine the two and the movie makers were like we have got it? So this is where we meet our protagonist agent stone and he's having a minority report moment He's watching his home movies with a gun and i get it i do that uh... but this is our way to know he was a good dad and his family got raptured but he

didn't yeah because we've got one of those like i don't care what you say i won't go to your damn church flashbacks between him and his wife before the rapturing and uh... the movie he's watching is watching like a home movie they had like a camcorder it's in the bathroom the kids a little kid take you shouldn't film kids in a bath or anyone in a bathroom right i mean like you know on the whiteboard we have a good growth

was a little bit quiet on the whiteboard because of that just no food no cameras in the bathroom speaking of that bathroom he does say to his wife, why don't you get in the tub with her? And I was like, yeah. Yeah. Doesn't episode 69. It should have gone that way. And it didn't.

We just weren't planning this. But yeah, we get the whole like bucolic like, oh, we were a great family. And now they're gone thing. And we even got the moment where like he's pushing the kid on the swing and she gets raptured but her clothes are not folded up on swing seat fucking bullshit this movie makes you know sense at all also what I think right before she gets raptured though mom she says she's complaining the dad refused to go to church this whole thing and he's arguing back there and she goes we're talking the boot eternity here.

It's a fantastic Canadian. This happens at least one of their time in the movie, one of these Canadian actors is like, a biaw, a biaw, biaw, biaw, they have trouble. I don't know if you were going for AOL dial up, but that's sure as hell. Yeah.

So yeah, so we get that little bit of exposition and then we get him waking up all like Mel Gibson and lethal weapon style gun still in his hand the phone's ringing. This is where we learn that he's a police detective and his name is his name is. is Therald Stone the a Thorold stone who the fuck no I spent this entire movie being like tone Thor good tone Stomptom stone Splent make the moon spit no one does anything but mumble this guy's name So throughout my notes I have him as Magnum GI tract how the Grinch stole Christians

Or the buyer who only feeds on Elvis impersonators No, his name is Thoreld Stone Stone One of our listeners and I apologize. I can't remember who it was put a thing on Facebook telling us like Oh, you know, I actually knew some people who work for cloud 10 pictures. Whatever the name this name He's named after a street in Ontario, Thorald Stone Road. Oh, really? So if this, like, if this couldn't undram had occurred to the writer 15 minutes later, this character's name would have been Queen Elizabeth way.

They will not stop having trouble naming characters. We'll get to know. No, but now I'm super disappointed that he wasn't named Queen Elizabeth way. Just like a protagonist trying to fight the antichrist like, uh-uh honey, know the art slaughter for you to dig the library is closed. You guys would make a better anyway. Yeah, yeah. Well, but anyway, this whole scene is just that like trope of like cop, dancer and the phone anger and really just to tell us stuff. Right, right.

It might as well just be as answering machine picking up. Like, this is detective stone, Thorold Stone, the main character. God killed my family. I'm an atheist. Beep. Like, all right. Next scene got it.

But that's already my voice mail. So yeah, right. Copyright. Yeah, right. Copyright. Yeah, exactly. That's the problem. And now we see him arriving at the crime scene, he's just been called into, which is a blown up school bus. The worst, they apparently blew it up and then spray painted part of the bus black.

Yeah, it was just really make, really send the message. And by the way, this is not a stock footage school bus. They spray painted a footage school bus they spray paint it a real school bus. Oh and okay there's this incredible moment that happens if you watch these movies along with us first of all this one's a ton of fun to watch so definitely watch it. Oh yeah. But the bomb guy is explaining to agent stone like oh looks like they used a blah blah blah

but if you look you can see the actor who's about to run over and give him like Emerson see information waiting for his cue Okay, and then he runs from like three feet away and I was like agent stuff Just got these head quarters in the shot It's like watching Kramer outside a Jerry's door for five minutes. Right, right, right, right, exactly. And what he tells them is the satellite tracking, the satellite tracking located the source of the detonator signal.

Is that, is that a real thing that could possibly happen? Of course. Like somebody's beeper sent 8038. That's bomb. If you turn over the three. I figured it out. Talking about. Yeah. Yeah. No, there's this is one of many science, where science, where science were at moments in the film. But yeah. So apparently they've figured out who blew up this school bus.

They're they're in an abandoned warehouse across town. Yeah. Um, I feel like cops should just stake those places out ahead of time. All the bad guys are fucked always in those. Yeah. A bunch of villains that had denies, Demetri order something. Otherwise, wait, she's going to give us a dirty look every time she walks over. We'll just get coffee. The refills are free. Come on, don't be a dick. All right, someone didn't tip. Did everyone include tax?

All right, so they head out to the suban and warehouse to get to the haters who they think have bombed this bus. And we have to have this like, okay, first of all, we haven't discussed the, I mean, we've alluded to the eyebrows a bit. But we haven't discussed the physical appearance of Thorald Stone here. He's pretty rough. He looks like he looks like he's not hurting anyone in 1987. I had Luke Perry with John Dis, but yeah, that's it's kind of two ways to say the same. He looks like somebody cast Bramble on his forehead.

And kind of like Mel Gibson's like, Menonite, Body Double, like he's on the poster for like Don lethal alternative weapons. He looks like the man that Pierce Brosnan absorbed. And I love to this, this effort to set up the conflict between him and his, okay, so it's him and his partner getting out at this like warehouse, right? And the two of them are talking, and they're talking about like the larger plot of the series, right? They're like, I don't know if I'm buying this Messiah stuff and maybe he is the Messiah maybe isn't whatever. And as part of this, ever

since we were kids, you never believed in anything. And I'm like, what an awkward friendship that must have been. An eyelist as a kid. Yeah. Right. It's intense. And here's the thing though, if two billion Christian people literally vanished out of existence exactly when like Harold Camping said it was going to happen, there wouldn't be too many like atheist cops doing podcasts about how it was weather balloons or whatever. Well, and we come back to that over and over again, not just in this movie, but in every

one of these apocalypse movies that we do because they can't, they can't admit within the movie that well, if there was evidence, everybody would believe, right? Right. So that is like an eternal hamstringing of these movie efforts is they have to create this universe where even if the shit that was in their Bible started happening, we would still say, no, because they see, you know, whatever the Gulf war, as proof of what it says in the Bible. Well, because, and we've mentioned this before,

the reason is because like, if we're not convinced by a sunset, why would we convince by all the prophecies in their magic book coming through? And that's literally, they're just like, wow, nothing means anything to those atheists then. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Religious people have trouble evaluating evidence. This just in. So anyway, so they get to, oh, I also love this line too, where he's like, I'm not looking for God. I'm looking for my family, which is where I realized that

this movie, are you ready, is taken with God. Yeah. There are a few moments throughout this movie that are beat for beat taken but with God. Listen to me God. I have a very particular set of skills. No yeah that would totally have fit in at any moment. I'm taking a set of eyebrows. He throws up his hands. I love it. All right and this is where we get probably the dumbest misunderstanding of technology that we've ever seen in one of these movies. And this record will hold through most of the first act of this film. This is where his buddy busts out the DNA tracking device to locate the bad guys the human DNA Detector that reads DNA through solid concrete. Yeah Charles S. Sutton has this device

He pulled that and I'm pretty sure Thermal imaging existed Yes, it is like was that not good enough like all right watch out for a guard with brown eyes and a sickle cell good enough like all right watch out for a guard with brown eyes and a sickle cell how is that helpful? What? Also, there's this amazing moment where they get their instructions from headquarters and like these cops, I know it's the apocalypse, but they are

cops and it's like kill everybody, men, women, children, and then rape the corpses and they're just like, okay, great. All right, well, that's what the boss said. But Stone is like, eh, don't kill him just yet until I say, I'll say murder everyone when we should murder everyone. Excuse me, Brian, what did I just say? You said kill everyone.

What did we say about listening? I said wait until I say kill everyone. You have to listen the whole thing. Yeah, right. Yeah, like my my Transliteration of it was I know your orders are to shoot to kill but don't get all crazy about it. So So so they go in and in this warehouse. They're just having church, right? They're singing a ham and I'm like, okay shoot Now's the time guys quick before we have to go any further into this him no but the time guys quick before we have to go any further into this him no but uh... people seeing songs about how

jesus would never blow up a school but that's him jesus it's actually good guys and what's so funny is okay because then the sermon starts but we have in the background of this we have the swat team sneaking in the suspense of tontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontontont-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh What the fuck are you preaching about after the apocalypse? Hey everybody, quick reminder, you know, everything that happens that's the thing. Woo, a lot of materials.

Let me see. Look out for some scorpion face. I'm going to read the hungry caterpillar today. I think that book might be true. I think that book might be true. I love how minimally diverse this church is to, as Glenn said, I was like, look, we have an Asian. Everyone in this congregation is a college brochure. You're right. Of course, this is where Stone decides to go against headquarters orders and bring them

in for questioning and instead of murdering all of them. And the SWAT captain is PES. Oh my god, they have like an angry couple whisper fight about it. They do. Eaches from the Christians like we don't have enough lasagna. Okay, well I'll go out and grab something. No, no, no, no, no, no, we are not going out and grabbing something.

They didn't say they were bringing guests. Can we just be nice? Who would just be nice for one fucking Christmas. You keep your voice down Messiah said we could shoot him in the face stop you're being a baby I love to like okay, and then we get this She's not quite a magical. No, she's a magical black Lady. No, I'm sorry, wait, she does magic shit. So we get the magical Black Lady of the film. And okay, what year is this?

Why do the writers think all Black women are dressed like old, timey slave characters? And that's how they like, like, I say, I say, Titchuba, what is the magic you were saying? They have no idea, Is that the problem? I know who knows you imagine as this actress got changed out of her costume every day the other characters would always turn to her and be like man you just so normal

She thinks she's people She thinks she's people. So, and I love you, as she's walking by, she says to the one cop, like, can't you see we're being set up? We don't look like bus blower uppers. And so we see stone going, like, hold on a second. She's right. They don't look like bus blower uppers. And I thought to myself, like, yeah, religious fanatics, bomb and something.

What are you crazy? Makes no sense. Never. And so they have this standoff where he's basically like, so if you didn't do it, who did? And she's like, you need to open your heart to Jesus. Here, have this CD that contains 500 free hours of it. Yeah.

I wrote on there, it looks like it has a bad a like a fish based spelling game on it in 1994 or something Yeah, yeah, they said you hear because of this she says yeah, yeah, I really want him to have trouble opening the plastic around a jewel Yeah, he was just a CD but that would have been more fun Oh, the fuck did you put this me gotoff it in? God damn it, lady. So yeah, he gets the CD from them. And now we're gonna cut to the, to the, what is like the headquarters for the haters. Right, but before we get there,

Harriet Tubman puts the bug thing on the wall. That's what she leaves. Yeah, all right, right. Not helpful. Why does that have to be on the wall? She had it. So they were already listening to it. Because she could have just turned the jump thing out, leave it in your pocket.

It was in your pocket that whole time. You could have had. Right. Right. And that was her way of signaling to headquarters that they were being arrested, but they're really pissed because they need the CD. And of course, this is where we meet up with Helen from the last movie, the only holdover character, correct?

Yes. Yeah. Helen, the Rudolph, the Red Nose reporter. Yes. Yeah. And this is also where we learned that Harriet Tubman's actual name is fucking Selma. Really? Like they knew nothing but civil rights history. That's all they had for the...

But it's gonna be Martina Luther King. Queen Elizabeth's way. Right, yeah, way. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, we didn't mention it, but the bad guys are O and E. Like at first I was dying. I'm like, Oh, I bet that's stupid as fuck. What I can't wait till they reveal it.

It turns out that means one nation earth. And you can't use for the acronym, the first letter of the acronym can't be the thing that you end up with in the It's just that's fucking stupid. I'm sorry. That's just like of all the dumb shit they did in this movie that I bothered me the most But but Ronnie this turn code that secretly works for the haters is trying to figure out what they have planned for the day of Wonders which they say twice in a two-minute scene. You can't. Now, day of wonders? Like, you can't take that seriously. Right.

Oh my god, it's so, and they're, they say it so share their like, guys, we have to be ready for the day of wonders. Honestly, that is the silliest part of this movie is how seriously these full grown adults keep being like, we have to stop the day of wonder. They might as well talk about Mr. Magorium's imaginary and what I'm talking about. We got to shut down this day of childlike and quisitive spirit like what? That's what Ben still appeared at Cloud. It's smoked at somebody say wonder. Also, Ronnie, is he the panda bear with the cholo eyebrows?

No, he's there too though. Oh, okay. Oh, shit. Oh, and I love to, okay, because she's like, you know, well, we might be able to figure out what was on that disc if we don't have that. But take a look at this tape that I found at my grandmother's and damn if it isn't that same Televangelis bullshit from the last one once again characters with this within this movie are gonna watch pre-taped fucking 1983 cassettes of a televangelist within the movie And not just that they're the exact same cassettes as the last movie

It's the same super deceiver speech that he, it's the same tape. We want this super deceiver line again. Yeah, I wrote Eli must be so happy. I'm so happy. Although now I own super deceiver.com available for kids, parties, the little twisting and sirt. The sex is hyperlinks. And when you click it, you get pictures and a virus, the HIV virus.

Jesus Christ. This is also where we meet the blind chick of the movie. Much humor will be expended on her handicap. Oh, but it's Carol Alt. She's the blind lady. I am on board. I love some Carol Alt. You don't pretend you don't know, Karen.

She's ruined many a water bed. Don't act like you don't know what, you know what? You know what? Like Mark Twain once said that if a man, uh, gets a reputation as an early riser, he can wake up at noon. I'm starting to think because I haven't seen any boobs from Jamie in a long time, and I'm just starting to think she's got her reputation going now, and she doesn't feel like she has to continue to earn it. But somebody else could very easily step in at this point and be the boop tweeter for

us. Carol and find Carol arts thing. Find her boobs just in time for her 90th birthday. Also, question. Carol arts thing find her boobs just in time for her 90th birthday. Also question they are typing on what appear to be too large sofa cushion stacked on top of the chair. Can you tell them an explain what's going on there? Looks like someone has a small TV on top of an old tiny typewriter. You want me through this? Yeah, boy, 1997 technology is funny. But I will say though, there are a number of times in this movie where the concept of

the keyboard shows itself to be so far beyond these filmmakers that they should have left them out of it all together. Crazy billionaire money just once in these movies. I want someone to go, let me try to hack in, clack in, clack in, clack. And then we just see a shot of the screen and it's just, jiffa, jiffa, jiffa, jiffa. And they're like, what the fuck was that?

And he was like, I don't know. It's movie hacking, I've seen it done in films. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you have to like run programs? I know. That root code, yeah, that all seems hard. I thought I could just let me try to get I don't save it. I don't have another five in a quarter Just card

Meanwhile back at the mass arrest stone still isn't convinced that these are bad guys, right? So they're they're now they're like taking all of the Christians out and put them in putting them in patty wagons or whatever. He's like, I don't know. They look just like my wife and daughter. And his partner is still is really still pissed that they didn't he didn't let him kill everybody. He's still got a bug in his ass about that. His partner is in rage that he's at all skeptical that these like Christians with an aolcd did not blow up a bus. But even that he inquires into it. So they go back inside and then they instantly start a gun battle with Tom Cecil in another guy.

Instantly. And we have to talk about this gun battle here because this gun battle, I mean, look, I know that action movies tend to give a Lot of bullets to protect But if you're annoyed by regular movies you will be driven insane and to suicide This is the get thee to a nunnery of gun battles they have a million bullets and they're just like brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr district i've never been in a gun fight but now it's good to know that uh... like racquet ball is very similar because i've been in terms of like angles and i've been wanting to and they did have millions of bullets but like the ones that killed jfk so

yeah right right exactly the tracking bullets like in fifth element or uh... run away and just how bad this is at one point uh... agent stone kills a guy and he goes over to like check him right while black guy goes after the other guy And he goes over to check him and the actor could not more clearly still be breathing Like there's no it's like me trying to get room tone deep cut There's no Possibility that this guy is that he's like oh girl my dick man he's got like a bad he finds the bad he realizes that the guys that they're gun

fighting are O.N.E. agents. Yeah, yeah exactly exactly. So after the little kids finish arguing over who got each other or whatever the plot can continue to go on. And so they go into this room and they come across Parker from the last movie, Steve Pujemmi's handsome brother. And how long was he standing there in this other room of this bed? Like, hey, good guys, I'm in this other room. No, no, the other other room.

Damn it. We should have got a smaller and i mean sure hope no one take too left and in the in a large hallway and and by the way like could we can we discuss or like how did this all come about right ok so what's supposed to have happened is that the only guys went to this warehouse to fake the signal and i guess they blew up the school bus

themselves so that the Christians would get blamed for it, right? So why would you need three guys and a demon lord to do? I mean, it seems like all you need is the guy who calls the guy who runs up the stone, right? Yeah, just the demon lord seems to be fine. You would think that even that might be overkill, but yeah, for company. Like the anti-Christ was like, Paka, go plant the evidence. And he was like, can I bring some people like I'm all out of podcasts. You know what I'm talking about? No. What day half of them come out on and I don't I don't want to go into backlogs. You know what I'm saying? like I feel it feels like reruns to me so I can't can I

just bring Randall McGee and Randall McGee over here play some car games all right I went on a picnic and I'm thinking of an antichrist Why not for me, for other people? So and I love of course he has to at this point explain his evil fucking plan to Stone and Stone's partner and then he shoots them both right in the bulletproof vest. Yeah, well first they shoot him. Oh yeah, right, right, but he said they're like put your gun down and he does like a the mask where they shoot him a million times and he's just like, can't get me down. He's made a vapor or whatever and he's mad because he can't touch to me more. So he shoots them. Yeah, exactly. For several reasons, the Kevlar pocket square. It wasn't

until my second viewing of this movie that I realized that the thing that stopped the bullet was the DNA tracking device that is very clearly a no key of all. Anyway, he pulled out this quote unquote tracking device that was made by Motorola. And he's like, oh, who made this thing? Yeah. And that is how we're going to connect to later in this movie because I watched this movie once and I had no idea how that part of the movie was connected to this part of the movie So for those watching along or who watched and are confused by this he basically looked on the back and was like made in China Gotta go to China. Oh, so that's how he finds that the the handicap guy. Yeah, yeah, it says made by Willie. Oh, you're fucking kidding me I had no game. game oh that's so much dumb or no it is so I just assumed that like this was his

buddy that he knew or whatever oh wow that just got so much stupid plot wrapped right together he checked the underwear of the black guy and was like my friend Willie will help you to go right here and here and here and here and minus. Oh, that was awesome. All right. So meanwhile, we go back to all the Christians shuffling into jail, including Wise Magical Black Lady. And I love, I love that the message behind the scene is supposed to be like, oh, look

at how persecuted the Christians will be. But I'm like, anyone suspected of blowing up a school bus would get just exactly this arrested, like this already have the the problem here isn't the rapture and the hatred of Christians so much even in your fictional movie. There's also there is no reason in this movie for them to be accused of having blown up a bus like it's villain dressing but if you wanted persecuted Christians they could have just been arrested for being Christian right the blown up bus was just an excuse for us to empathize more with the villains of this movie it's like a schedule on the wall of the evil jail like Christian persecution

seminar 2 p.m. and then baking penis cakes for gay weddings. Man, that's a lie. Man, that's a lie. Evil jail, got it. We get this amazing scene where like Alex Winters dad is turning him in because he found a Bible in his room. And there's this incredible moment where he's like, I'm sorry, I found him kneeling by his bed and I wanted the kid to be like, I swear dad, I was just jerking off onto a picture of the dog.

I swear, I swear. Learned it by watching you. What mom? And I love to that this has, like I assume we were clumsily introducing this character. The bill asked Preston. That's why you're here. No, we will never see him again. This will never come back.

It's just that we have to see that like in this terrible world dad turned him in for being christian which again yet another reason why they didn't have to blow up the bus if we're establishing now that just the fact that they were christian and had bibles was bad enough yeah you've you've you've let the wind out of your own god damn movie anyway so that's all we're gonna get from that scene and then we have to we have to move on to the the bad demon guy meeting with his goons at some city green screen.

Oh man did they need to fill in that green. And you can tell they like they knew somehow that they weren't going to use the like green screen elements of that green screen so they let everything green in the hopes that you'd be like yeah that guy's office is just green But this is where he finds out that stone isn't dead because Despite being an invincible demon all he did was shoot him once in the chest and not even go over and like Use a DNA scanner or anything. Hey, look what the fuck I shot him right in the breast pocket. That seems like, no. All right. I'm going to deign him again. But they need the desk too.

Obviously, since Stone is the R2D2 of this movie. And so now we cut to Stone in his car, like listening to the Antichrist on the radio while looking at a billboard of the Antichrist. And in between movies they switched from Al Pacino from G. Lee to that guy who was really about Bernie and then changed over Robert Reich that guy. We got him.

I just wrote that dude doesn't even look like Dick York. He looks just like live action after school Satan. He looks very much like that. He looks like a moron. And yeah, he's using billboards and apparently subliminal remaste and imagery to do his anti-Christ. He needs that also. Also, I have to point this out because as they got away from this scene, right, the last thing the radio says is, and next up, Europe, not since the days of the holy Roman Empire has the

and then it trails off and I am dying to know how that fucking sentence ended. Is there been so much black plague? I mean, what the fuck? When was you possibly make that comparison? As Africa have been part of Europe. no. That's not it. I think maybe they were even going for like Roman Empire, not the whole, I have, but I have no idea where they were going with that. And I would love the cut scene of, of, of where if anyone can get that for me, there's a large amount of money. You can't be audio.

Yeah, exactly. I just need that for my own sake. All right. So then we cut to him still in his car. Listen to the news. Yeah, I got that cross cut and he's just remembering the movie, but not just remembering the movie. He actually remembers the movie differently. It's like yes. Exactly. Remember the 20 minutes of movie you just watched? Yeah, we weren't paying attention

either when we made the movie. Let's watch all of that. We're in the fire. It just took half an hour. And we get the best wake up from a nightmare. We've had in these movies because look, Noah doesn't like this sit up straight. Wake up from a nightmare. But I think we got to admit waking up from a nightmare to honk your horns.

That's pretty basic. I push forward with my right hand. And well, the waking up and pulling a gun is also another good one and we'll get that more than once. And yeah, and this is where we get the scene. Okay, because I thought it was just his phone because it's so very clearly a Nokia phone or whatever that he's pulling out of his pocket.

So this is where he pulls out the DNA tracker that Vietnam crank phones. So now he goes over to Willie's computer renewal to meet the guy who made the DNA tracker because Willie and like, okay, first of all, like that is the dumbest way to get the character from point A to point B that I've ever seen in my life. So kudos to them. I like, I underestimated this movie. Go to the next scene. Yeah, there. Yeah. So he goes over to Willie's computer renewal. And when he walks in, he hears gunshots and it's, it's just a guy playing duck hunt. Like this is a police officer. Oh, it doesn't recognize the difference between gunplay in an enclosed environment and duck hunt. Like, boo, boo,

boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, yeah. Oh, it appears that not only is he being shot at but there's a dog laughing Also, this is where we introduce Willie Willie. Oh my god. Willie is a wheelchair bound third Mario brother I could spend the rest of my life just talking about the a Choices this character may and be the moments moments they chose to give this character comedy lines. They won't be no moment dark enough where this character doesn't go like more like holocaust. You know what I'm saying? Jim and Mia!

Oh my god dude, it is so fucking bad a couple of times in this film. I'm a grape of an an king me Eli's just going back to his own personal history and saying what's gotten me some really bad looks today By the way, and I'm curious today. By the way, and I'm curious. Dinner party. What did I tell you? You did a job. I have a list of the list whiteboard that my wife jokes that you've already told enough.

Yeah. Rap of Nan King. Me is a great way to say you really beat a Chinese guy at checkers. That's all I'm saying. If you really win at checkers against the Chinese guy, calling it the rape of Nan King, he's okay.

You have my permit. Oh, well, in that case. Anyway, yeah, so basically, like these characters are buddy-coping, opera, whatever. And it's like, get away. Who the hell are you? And he's like, I'm a friend of the guy who you made the DNA machine for. He's like, Oh, of course, I will now be next to you for the rest of the film.

Yeah, he goes, I'm a friend of Nid. And the wheelchair guys are like, who? Oh, the black guy, we just named. You already knew his name was Nid. Your friends with him. All right. All right. Cool. Yeah. Got it. And of course, so they are, they're teaming up now, but we have to go because obviously he needs to know what's on this incredible disc, so he needs a computer guy. But before we can get to that, we have to go back to the jail where evil demon guy is gonna question the magical black lady.

Yeah, David Hyde pierced nipples in here. Yeah, of course, this is where they have to really evil him up. So they have shoot the evil him up so they have how to shoot the the husband and Rape the daughter. How does this like the one writers like I feel like the demon who helps the anti-Christ Is coming off like a good guy? Oh the rares. What if he murders a dad in front of his family and sends the young daughter to get raped? Okay, yeah, they'll know what's amazing is the like sending the daughter off to get raped. Okay, perfect. Yeah, they'll know what's amazing is the like sending the daughter off to get raped is she goes she's like sends her off and she goes she's just a child

and he goes she's not a child for long. Yeah, and I've went they're gonna turn her into an adult. She's gonna get comes back 28. You can get bought mitspot. It's fine don't I? She's gonna get comes back 28. You can get but mitzvod it's fine. Don't I? I'm really into making my own jewelry now. No. So meanwhile now that we know how good and evil he is, meanwhile back at Doc Hunt's house. Oh, and by the way, okay, so this is the queue that Eli writes in for us.

As we write the notes, we have to write some kind of verbal queue from the movie, so we know when the notes have moved on from one scene to the next. And to give you an idea of the technical babble in this bullshit fucking movie, the queue that Eli wrote out was scrambled frequency modulation, as those are the three words this movie starts or this scene starts. That's literally the three words they start with. Yeah, that's the next thing they say. Yes, please.

Double UHL conversion. What? Now, okay, I looked this up. UHL is unilateral hearing loss. So they're bilaterally converting that. The terrorists are making people all the way deaf. I have no idea what this would mean. It's supposed to be a computer term. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But he's, he's examining the transmitter explosionizer or whatever that they found there and can't figure out how a bunch of

haters would have wound up with it. It seems like an O. N. E. job. And then of course, this is where he gets the, um, where we're bust out the disc, the CD. He goes, one of the haters gave me this, uh, I hear there's an entire book of the encyclopedia on there. He's not possible. Also, do you want to go 50, 50 with me on a copy of Zoonimals? Huh? He did a different thing about animals every month. I also love that at this point, he goes, he goes like, huh, maybe they were framing the haters for all of those exploded orphanages and old folks homes into hospitals. Those are the examples he gives. That's what the Christians are out blowing up orphanages, old homes and hospitals.

And his character will not say a non-pluralized word for the rest of the movie. That is very important. He says, hey, there's gators is going to the places is. But he hands him the CD and he's trying to put out again, not a Christian movie trope, so much as a movie trope, but he hands him the CD and he's trying to break in By repeatedly pounding the same fucking keys like I said like he's like my password won't work I'm like is your password 7777777 H H H H H H H H H H H H H

Because otherwise you're doing it wrong So stupid the way yeah his password doesn't work and then neither does his password and then neither does his fucking Stupid I wanted him to have trouble with the CD also that would have been fun. I was like fuck it's dusty On the outside inside out don't go sideways Okay, I need toothpaste and it tissue you know give a laser disc of it with the code something on beta perhaps what's your t-shirt made out of blow through the t-shirt for the young people listening technology used to be far worse one of the small detail on why this is just completely useless, this scene. Going back to

the detonator, the wheelchair guys like, oh, it's made in the O&E. It's like, yeah, that's the only country now. That's the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. Notice you're dressed like a mariachi. Is that helpful here? There is never a reason for that character to be dressed like a Matador in that particular scene. Nope. But that's the choice. The other one. No, no, and maybe in part three.

Who knows? Um, so meanwhile back to poor man's James Spader with AIDS and interrogating the magical black lady. He's like trying to win over this black lady, but basically the argument they're having is she's trying to make his god sound evil, but it doesn't work because it's such a description of the god of the Bible. She's like, I'm sorry, but any god that would demand sacrifice nope, that's mine. Any God that would allow someone. Okay. Believe in self-confidence.

And I'm pretty sure we don't like that. That's your take. Yeah, it's your to my daughter. There are several times in this fucking movie where they're trying to distinguish between the evil antichrist guy and God by saying God would never do the thing he does and Deuteronomy for fuck. Yeah, I have citation for some of the things So now he's gonna explain now we go back to uh... the bill wheel chair mario so that he can explain the day of wonders

but he has to do it with his virtual reality goggles all and i was hoping so badly for reboot here just like pixelated like you'll notice pack man can go up down and on a diagonal that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that down and on a diagonal. I'm trying to shoot yourself. It's so stupid. It's a viewfinder. It's supposed to be a virtual reality guy. Let's fucking viewfinder. And they go into this beach scene,

to be not really. And the wheelchair guy is like, Macaluso is the Antichrist, super advanced, he created this flip book of beat. That's what? What? Okay, so let's think for a second of just exactly how insane your understanding of virtual reality

would have to be to come up with this concept. Because all they do is put a thing on their head, right? That's the whole thing. There's no haptics or anything. There's nothing that they, there's no way for them to walk or anything like that. There's no controller in their hand. So all they've done is put something over their eyes and now they're feeling sand on the beach and they're picking things up and walking around.

They're just walking around a beach. Yeah, right, right. And I wrote almost exactly those words in my notes. I wrote, imagine how little a human being needs to know to think this is how virtual reality works or even could work. Right. Because they even try to throw a bony or go like he's like, yeah, I, you know, President Macaroni noticed just like a way beyond everything that we're at.

It's like, this isn't a matter of like we don't have this technology yet. This is a matter of your eyes are baked. Well, right. Exactly. At least the matrix stuck a needle in your head. Come on, people. Anyway, yeah, but it's miracle virtual reality. And that's why it works.

And apparently Satan's plan is to trap everyone in Oasis. Yeah. works and apparently Satan's plan is to trap everyone in Oasis. Yeah. We get this little weird thing where they read the computer nerd guy proves that it's a good virtual reality program. He cuts his chest with a C shell. What for some reason? Fuck.

Like what a weird choice there. Like how should we show off the VR thing? And the writers sit in there trying to figure this out. What if he cuts himself in the chest with a shell I was gonna say I was gonna say cut off of the shell see shell I was thinking you would have a knife no she's your god damn it we're sticking with cock shell and so they come out of the VR world and he's like man if that's just the normal thing, what could be on that disc? And I wrote in my notes, I promise you porn is on that disc.

Trust me, there is nothing encoded that isn't porn ever in the world, especially with that level of virtual reality. It's porn on that disc. Obviously. on that Obviously So now we cut back to the bad guys where demon man is learning that someone hacked into the main frame Right, but he's got um he's got the like the lady all tied up Yeah, uh in this scene and he's giving her like an eye exam because Hitting her so much. Who the fuck?

I don't. Yes, she's bleeding about the head or whatever. Yeah, and like so his goon comes up and he's like, hey, someone hacked into the main frame. We know what those words mean more or less. And Willie calls him because apparently he works for, oh, and he and developing the day of wonder stuff or whatever. And he says, he tells him that it's stone hacking into the system because of some convoluted thing that they couldn't really figure out.

And then he gets off the phone and he's like, all right, so they're going to come murder us now. Let's gather up this room full of old computers. Why didn't we just do that first? Whatever we're like a movie premise now So fun so and here's the thing the premise is great I'm just saying a buddy cop drama about a grizzled vet and his handicap tacker buddy versus the anti-Christ sounds amazing It doesn't it doesn't quite shake out, but it sounds amazing

No, yeah, I can see how the elevator pitch worked on this one because they also have a dog, right? Like, he had a dog, so he's like, you know, look. And a blind girlfriend. Right, he's like, look, I was able to hack into their system, but only in such a way as that I now have to be your partner for the rest of the movie. Right.

One of their detail here, this is where we learn that the guy in the wheelchair's name is Spino. Yeah, but the delivery man calls him spin-o So it's even spino? Spino? No, really? No, right, right, either way you go that it's pretty fucking bad. Holy shit. Mr. Will chair And of course then we have to cut back to demon man yelling at the black lady some more But I do I do want to and do want to point out his lovely slap work here though. Oh

He is fantastic Absolutely He's like renounce Jesus right now and giant backhanded slap two handed backhanded slap that Sojourner truth's like oh you didn't really give me a chance to backhand slap that said you're in a truth like oh you didn't really give me a chance to fuck you and see Jesus right now right next to his father right there you know this is where she has to go all magic black lady

and then Parker's like no I am your father all state has better customer service I didn't know where he has to play does demon voice I love that he's in it. Basically he like does demon voice. He's like, I can see Jesus now because I'm black and we have magic powers in these movies. And he looks up and he's like, God, jam it. God, it's my turn. You said I would have my turn. And then when I run out of two men, then you would play because that's his fucking message, but he does it in demon voice.

God just put the quarter on top of the black lady. So then we go back to like Stone and Spino who are out buddy coppin together. And this is where they realize that they're going to have to take the disc to the haters. Every time I say that word is still stupid. Again, this is like a very serious situation. They're being chased by the Messiah's government to be killed. And he turns to him and he goes like my friend Quasimodo used to say I got a hunch. I am so inappropriate. Like, wouldn't be like I'd do another one. Okay, okay, okay. Like my friend Thomas Edison, wait, wait, that's stupid. Like, I'm like a light bulb. It doesn't even, you go, you go, you do one.

Also, and by the way, they have this super clever moment because apparently they have a tracking device that's on one of them, which they're just now establishing. And the bad guys are chasing around the tracking device, but it turns out they put the tracking device on the dog, but they're with the dog, right? Like they just sit the dog around the dog. They're bringing the bad guys to them. Right. And then they just throw the tracking device away. So I don't know why they were like, all right, well, said the dog around the block is they're bringing the bad guys to them. Right. And then they just throw the tracking device away. So I don't know why they were like, all right, well, we got to keep the tracking device near us for a certain amount of time. And then we can then walk a rate of the tracking device, but the dog will make them think

that we stop more often than we do. I can't. Like my buddy Hitler used to say I Come back to me come back to me I'm not fresh I'm not fresh I really I had a lot of time on quasi-motor But the stupid dog they actually does set up another great joke. The bad guys are like looking at their like the CR size tracking device. And they're like they seem to be doing something with the phone lines stopping at every pole. Oh, yeah, dog. Don't stop at every phone pole.

No, they don't. That was that was why that whole thing happened. But also shouldn't they be using one of those DNA readers at this point? Right. The K9 genetics be a dead giveaway. I thought there was a big plot hole. They kind of checked out here. Some of this movie didn't make sense. So then we cut to somebody watching that same fucking televangelists some more. And of course, this is so that they can like really steadily reinforce the, oh, we have to find that disc right before Spino and stone come in with the disc because it turns out that Helen is spinos

sister Yeah, okay, so her name is Helen Spino Pearl Hannah I don't know she ever been Canadian Yeah, I love by the way that this British woman is at least as close to an American accent as any of the Canadian actors in the house. Fucking movie. Also, we get this incredible moment of like exposition where he goes, hell in the woman

who denied the Messiah, meet Stone, the man with the world's largest eyebrows. Yeah. I'm out. Right, Stone, this is my sister love interest. Love interest. This is my friend. Stone. Is my buddy Dale Earnhardt used to say this is spinning out of control. That man died in a car. Yes. Turn three. Yeah. Oh, and then we get the great little, the great little good neck. Because now we've brought together stone and Helen, but we've also brought together a guy in a wheelchair and a blind girl.

So clearly they're gonna fuck before this is all over. And we get some of the most painful flirtation, ableism, it, I, you mean the vegan shaming? First of all, we start with a little vegan shaming. Yeah, you know how hard this scene fucking triggered me? Yes, he goes we have some leftover salad if you want some like first of all nobody was left over salad Even if they're a vegan and he's like oh fuck that how about some steak? She's like I'm a vegetarian. He's like what the fuck is wrong with you? Would you stupid bullshit? Not eating of meat, you fag. Yeah.

And so, you know, the way most people respond to my experience. All right, let's touch disabilities. Let's do it. Rub your dead eyes on my dead legs. Oh God. Perfect. But yeah, no, they write me that erotic.

But like, but they're flirting here and it's just like, I'm going to make a joke about how blind you are. I'm going to make a joke about how lame you are, you know, or whatever. And then we cut over to Helen and Stone and they're too serious to be flirting. And we learned that he used to believe in God as a kid, but then cancer ate his mom. And I just want to say, I know not everyone who listens to this show, listens to scanning and we learn that he used to believe in God as a kid but then cancer ate his mom and I want to say I know not everyone who listens to this show listens to scathing atheists so you know we spend a lot of time on scathing atheists trying to promote secularism and we present good ideas and good arguments we have guests on

stuff but I think we might be wasting our time guys we might just want to carry around some uranium and give people's mom's cancer. It's just to be a pretty great way to create atheists. It's certainly the only one any Christian filmmaker has ever fucking imagined. I just want- And my friend Vladimir Putin used to say, That's a tall drink of water. Make it fun. I just wanted to be not cancer one time. Like anything else. Like, yeah, my mom got hit by a trolley

when some... Yeah, it's all refused to push a fat guy on the track. Very immoral. And then we get the problem of evil moment, which was one of the great, because he's like, wait, there was a God, why would he, why would he have murdered my mother with cancer and created cancer and other non-related cancer related things that we don't know about as writers? And she goes, you're wrong. Yep. That's it. That's a whole apologetic.

Is it? That is literally, she just goes, you're wrong. Okay, Liste the whole fucking problem of evil out for her. And she's just says, you're the argument from knowing you are, but what am I? Apparently, is her. Yeah, no, I was blown away. I mean, because it's kind of a thing for us. It's like, oh, problem evil came up. You know, how they gonna jiggle like these this time.

And she's just like, fuck you. I like for you. It's like, oh, problem evil came up, you know, how they gonna jiggle the keys this time. And she's just like, fuck you. I like. Okay. Introduced to Andrew Torres. Nope. There is not one. Nope. But of course, like just before they can fall in love or whatever, spinos got to come in to figure out like how the disc works or whatever. And he's got to say a bunch of technical computer words. And again, in the least appropriate tone possible, we've just had the problem of evil, my mom died of cancer,

where are my wife and daughter? And Spino comes in and he's like, hey, oh, someone ordered a rolling delivery. And then fucking blind girl comes in and she adds, is there fucking Abbott and Castello there? She's like I ain't seen nothing Weirdest tonal choice I loved it. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely loved it So all right, so now he's gonna to try to load up the thing or whatever. Now he's got the password or whatever. So he goes back into the virtual reality thing.

He puts on his glasses, but now instead of being on a beach, he's in the construct, right? He's just in a big white room. Even tries his best Kiana. Whoa. And there's nothing in there. So he takes off the glasses and he's like, ah, I got to figure out this one last line of code,

which again, like how little you need to know about computers to think that I've cracked all the lines of code, but this one, yeah. And be just like one closed bracket. That's the last line of code very often. Right. Stupid. Yeah, but but stones mad that it was nothing. He's not buying this nothing. All right

Well, you were doing kung fu in your Clearly some fucking figure it out go back in I don't know And there's this incredible moment where he goes let's leave this for the professional Oh god and Helen goes Professionals built the Titanic Amateurs built the arc and I just wrote America in a nutshell. Right. Holy fucking shit.

Yeah, that was one of the most painful lines I've ever had to sit through. And I just wrote, like when she said that, I just wrote in my nose like, Oh, fuck this bitch. I want her guillotine. I want a Christian rapture just so we can persecute this bitch and chop her head. Macaluso 2020 2020 y'all I'm on for fuck you Amateurs Mac allu so Warren then you get the rusty trombone and you get together

Good deal for everyone especially me And and then we get this glass of water. Oh, what the fuck yeah, huh? Okay, so I'm gonna this glass of water. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. So I'm going to say, for those of you who haven't watched this, I'm going to set this up. And I want you to just imagine how you as a writer would solve it. So he goes, if God is real, how could he do this?

Where's the proof? I need some proof. And she's like, name, God, God, you need faith. Faith, amen, amen. If he God provided proof, you wouldn't need faith. And that's the fucking definition of, yeah, right. Right. Right. But then he goes, just tell God to knock over this glass of water. Tell God to knock over this glass of water. And I'll believe, you know, if I'm writing this movie, there's an earthquake, there's a

thing happened. I even thought she knocks over the glass of water and goes, God works through acts or something God works through us. Right? He sits there staring at it and then he's like walking away and he bumps it to the floor. Yeah. And she's like, and she looks at him like, huh? And he's like, no, that was me.

I did. He's now. But there is a moment where we're at home. Again, that winking is like, huh? Oh, come on. And also, by the way, just remember this because it comes back in the most amazing possible way. But yeah, and can we, but also can we talk about like the stupidity of the way that these

people seem to think the atheist worldview works? Because like all for and over again in this movie, the atheist and in all of these movies, the atheist is always just going like, well I can't believe in something I can't see. That's why atheists don't believe in quirks and the big bang and bacterial phases and the jet stream and sounds and the moons of Uranus. I mean, like, no, I don't believe in anything

I have no evidence for. And when he says that, she's like, there's proof all around you. And he's like, no, I you know when I'm talking about like he does this, like the least thing I could train a parakeet to do, right? That's what I mean by proof. Bump my knee on the table. That doesn't fucking count, Helen.

Absolutely not. We both know what proof means, Helen. Come on. Right. She's like holding up the glass and waving it around. Look, it's floating. Oh, man. When he was when he was first doing that, he's like, all right, move this cup, then have God move this cup. Have him knock it over. I just wanted like a Muslim guy to appear and throw the water in his face like a martini like, oh, a lot. We're like,

cut to God and a lot tackling each other is to try to run out the door first. That could happen. No. I would watch a Neil Simon comedy about God and a law living together. I think we all would. The odd and the mood couple. I don't know. There we go. Everybody reads the Quran that detailed. Yeah, exactly. So now he screamed at God to knock over the water. God kind of knocked over the water because the glass fell detailed. Yeah, exactly. So now he screamed at God to knock over the water. God kind of knocked over the water because the glass fell down. So there is a Jesus. But instead of, you know, arguing with her about that, he wanders outside where there's a pond so he can cry about the family,

the deity that he's supposed to love murdered in the last movie. And Helen comes out to like comfort him and do some more apologetics, but there's this tiny scene in between this happening where we cut to Spino and the blind girl and he goes, Hey, I wish this year beach program you could get in there because then I could see you as in a bikini and she's like, oh,

you, and that's it. That is it. Yeah, we just needed more than they're like, you know, we haven't done anything sexist in like three minutes, guys. Again, totally like, it's just a big, shouting like dramatic moment and then they're going to have another dramatic moment that continues right after that, but as an in between, he was like, as my friend and Frank, you say, be real quiet.

Yeah. So once we get that comedy beat, we get Helen following Stone out into the dark for some windy dialogue. And you know, and she's like, she's going on and on on to him like in these platitudes that make no fucking sense And he's like what are you talking about and she says God and I'm like you knew that was gonna be her answer though That's always gonna be her answer, bro And again, this is again where she says you know Massaluso claims to be God, but his message about power and selfishness

God would never tell anybody to kill someone just because they were in the way of their dreams. And I'm like, what? They have read your book. Oh, God. Exactly what he wants. I just wanted to know how to jump into the screen and hand her a list of Bible verses. Like, oh, all of Deuteronomy, all of numbers. There you go. Romans. You got to create like, all I could think about is Noah arguing with this kid at Georgia Southern. Obviously, no, which guy I'm talking we're in. Georgia Southern, room full of like Christian people that came to argue with the atheist group and a lot of them are black people and one of them's like, there's no slavery in the Bible. No rights. I'm like,

all the firsts, all the heads of the kid. I believe this kid is now an atheist. Is that correct? Yeah, yeah, he was, yeah, yeah, cause he said, cause he says, he's like, I was like, oh come on dude, there's no kinds of slavery endorsements in the Bible. He's like, what chapter's what versus? I'm like, I don't know him off hand. He's like, well, then it ain't in there. And I'm like, oh, well, no hold on, I picked up my phone. I like, get handed him like 16 fuck and they told me

the next week he came back and he's like, okay, yeah, fuck this, fuck. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's like, okay, yeah, fuck this pie. Oh, yeah. See, ridicule work. Sometimes it works exactly. So also incredible moment here, she says that like God would never ask you to do the things that he does in his book. And then she goes on this thing, she's like, don't you see?

This is just like Satan's lie, lie in the Garden of Eden. The fruit won't hurt you, Eve. But what? What? Didn't hurt her. It was God that hurt her. But more than that, how is this like the fruit won't hurt you? I ain't saying like, no, no, that makes any sense. I wanted him some crazy billionaire remake. I just wanted to be like,

do you know nothing you said just makes sense? And she's like, do you know nothing you said just makes sense? She's like, do you smell burnt toast? As my friend Richard Dawkins used to say. All right. So now we went back to the well on that one one final time. I guess it was for the break. But before we do, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will the gang figure out what the day of wonders is in time? Will they be able to stop the day of wonders

before it's too late? How many times does the term day of wonders have to appear in the script before you figure your audience is fucking God at the day of wonders is the goddamn bad guy planting for fuck's sake people talk about something different. Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the virtual conclusion of

apocalypse to revelation or just revelation if you're trying to look it up on IMDB. So apparently they weren't sure, but anyway, we'll be back. Bring them before me. Oh, hey. Hey, how's it going, man? So you so-called podcasters proved yourselves very

useful last week. I wonder what you can tell me about the plans of the haters. The haters, the Christians. You're calling them the haters? That's that's weird. Yes, because they're full of hatred. What? Well, I mean, it's a little hokey, don't you think? The word haters there? Yeah, are you sure you don't want to just call them

the pH fatties? Are they all fat? That's a good point. How about the stinky poopoo faces? Because I guess a little. Wait, are you are you messing with me? Yep. Sure am.

Well, we'll see who's laughing at the day of wonders. I'm sorry, the day of wonders. Jesus, so many movies went better than this, do you suck? I'm sorry. The day of wonders. Jesus. So many movies went better than this, do you suck? Are you gonna do a fucking magic show? No! No! You know what?

Get them out of here. You will ROOTH the day you crossed me. Okay. Good luck at your magic show. Not a magic show. Three of spades. Oh, it was my card. Hate those guys.

Hello, Eli. Welcome to your day of wonders. Simply tell me your deepest desires and take my mark. So wait, sorry. Quick clarification. If I take your mark thing, I get whatever I want in this VR universe. Yes, anything you desire. Five minutes later.

We're coming to you now with a special announcement from the Messiah. Here on the day of wonders. Yeah, actually the day of wonders is cancelled. Fucking cancelled. Okay cancelled, okay. Just gross. Just how did he even, oh, just gross. Oh, that's never gonna get out of my head now. Oh, fuck it, Jesus can have it. And we're back to the breakdown and we're gonna start off with more of that hilarious

sexist ableism You are enjoying so much before we went to break this time in the form of ha ha you have a cane and why do you wear those dumb glasses? Yeah, how comes you wear sunglasses, but defts don't wear earmuffs That's almost verbatim aligned in this movie. Oh my god Okay, first of all blame people wear dark glasses because it can still fuck you up to like stare into the sun and they don't know when they're doing that and shit like that. You insensitive douche. Sorry.

That's not funny. I just wanted to throw that out and get it. It was curious. That's the reason. Anyway, but yeah, but this is all to lead up to that. Can I take you as I use glasses off so I can seize your eyes and tells you how beautiful you are. And so they do that.

And I just want to say for a blind chick, she wears an awful lot of makeup, a lot of anyway. Also, she's not that beautiful because she smiles and we see her giant fucking teeth. The teeth I can only assume that Joel Osteen stole and threw it to Paul Dran to give his current teeth their fucking power. And just devour her in order to, yeah, I know I get it, I get it, there can be only one after all. We also get a few more other awesome jokes that this actor who did Spino clearly wrote and had on his rider like I get to tell all my jokes. He does the ear most sunglasses thing. The she shows up. She says, is this seat saved?

And he says, no, but I'm sure you guys are praying for it. Get it saved. Save. Save. Blind though. And also she says, do men and wheelchairs complain when you leave the seat up? is do men and wheelchairs complain when you leave the seat up. I don't even get that one general complain when you leave the yeah, right? Women complain that you don't see that. And if you're like he has to sit down to pee. So he's like a woman.

Oh, depending on what's going on. It's pee flirting. That makes more sense. Yeah. How do you urinate? Yeah, there is some serious peak chemistry happening here. Just take your dick out. Like, next move, you feel that blind lady that's braille for I have herpes.

How? See what's happening? This is my friend Jolly Shin used to say that. Look me in the eye. This is happening. You're me in the ear. This is happening. And of course, we also have to have the whole like, you know, because you can't go back to the cancer mom well twice in the same movie apparently or whatever.

So she hates God because she's blind. Despite the fact that she's part of the Christian resistance. She hates God because she's blind. Well her story of the Christian resistance is incredible She's like, yeah, you know my parents got Gazeoped away and when my brother who's one of these other characters. We don't give a shit about came Fuck am I gonna do feel my way around the Apogland? No, no, I will join a dangerous underground resistance resistance. Great moment here. Right after that, she explains that going to church makes you a Christian like going to a pet store makes you a cat. And I just want to point out that what Christians believe is that you can't just go to a pet store. You have to believe a cat. Exactly. So later that day or the next day, maybe who the fuck knows, we're back. We're

in the same place. But now, Stone is sleeping with a gun like it's a teddy bear. Cuddled up next to him. And this is where Roddy comes in. This is the guy, the, oh, any guy that was on their side or whatever. And I guess the standard greeting in this room is every time somebody walks in everyone pulls a gun on everyone but they lived in the last act of a totally sky movie. Why would this guy assume someone who was sleeping in the company of everyone else in the room was a threat to the right like he's not not by you and fell asleep right so Ronnie comes in and he's like oh look I got a tape that proves Mr. Parker is bad guy everybody's like yeah he's an evil demon is that how you spent your entire day no no I also got the oil changed in the van Got a haircut which you did not notice

So I guess we are equally And then we get the most blatant taken moment in the entire movie Okay, so they're all sitting around the table now all of the resistance and just randomly on someone's radio the demon minion guy says Stone I know you're listening. Like how? How? Why? It makes no but in any race. Is it one of those DNA satellite radios? That's how you know from everybody's DNA person has is holding it. But this is where he explains that he's got the raptured wife and daughter with him and if ever wants to see him again he has to bring him the disc but not right away like tomorrow around two to wish i got a lunch thing like a brunch thing with friends and i can't rush through it

so i like i need time to get home to and all god noon in the traffic let's say to say that way. Safe. I love it. It's just again, movie truck, not Christian movie truck, where the guy with a bad guy's like, I want to know the answer and I want to know it by four o'clock tomorrow. You know what? Why then? Why not now? But at any rate, yeah. But of course, this is just him doing his terminator voices to make him think that's his wife and daughter, but it's not. Yeah.

And I, again, my notes here are just, please do this speech from taking. Please do this speech from taking. It goes so good right here. But yeah, but you know, and of course, Helen is telling him, like, because he's like, all upset because he just heard his wife and daughter. And she's like, it's a trick. trick it's not it wasn't really your die he probably has terminator powers did you ever think of that? And so it's like yeah I fucking know he's a demon we just went over this we've no one

and they got the guy we've been over this over and over the shift in Tony here is so nuts because he's like I know he literally has this tearful war. It was like, I know, I need to stop him. How do we stop him? And Willie goes, will upload a virus into the computer? And nobody will see nothing more than Cindy does. And she's like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm blind. Yeah, right.

And also, can we, again, the logistics here make no sense. They're like, well, if you want to do it, you'll have to sneak in as a janitor and we'll have to have this like, but you've got a guy on the inside. He got a tape just a minute ago out of the building you're trying to break into. Right, also, why do they have a janitor costume?

Why did they give him Superman glasses? So many questions. Well, you remember office space and Zoolander? So they kind of wanted to do a little homage. Yeah. And they already bought the janitor uniform lost the receipt. We're doing the disguise thing. I guess. Yes. And they have not only like not only do they have they put them in the janitor outfit, but they have the belt, you know, with all the cleaning stuff for them. they just happen to have that with them and not only is that a bizarre thing for them to just happen to have but do they think

that janitors just show up with their own cleaning supplies in a belt like like carpenters with tools no you by supplies applies. Mr. Yanny turn not. So he had so often the O and E headquarters to upload a virus and we're going to get there in just one second. We have to have yet another making fun of blind people moment where like, you know, like where spinners just like, can't crack that single line of code yet. And in the background, the blind chick is trying on the virtual reality glasses. Right. And she puts them back up and she goes, well, you know, still blind. And then two cartoon mice come out and go, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, and we can go on to the next fucking.

There's a tune with Ray Charles looking all around. Yeah. Yeah, so now we get stone getting to the to the HQ right like they have to break into the computer and change the picture of the janitor to look like him so that they hand print anyway. Why? Yeah, well, I love to have that moment like where he like he passes the demon guy in the elevator that he demon guys getting out as he's getting in but he has to hide his face behind the blueprints that yes, janitors carry around. Why? That's what. Yeah, why would you have the blueprints for the building? I would be like, hey, janitor, sorry, let me stop you. Why do you have the blueprints for the building. I would be like, hey, Jenner. Sorry. Let me stop you. Why do you have the blueprints for the building?

Oh, so does I know where to wash Mr. Parker? Important to make sure you get all the rooms. And I really wanted them to make him clean something right there. I'd be like, oh, hey, perfect. Jenner's here some fucking kid vomited in rape room 15. Did you bring that up? Just drag it up there. Not a kid anymore. So, yeah. And so now he's in, I guess.

So we get a spinnel hacking that final line of code or whatever. And it turns out that that line of code, that single line of code, was in the illuminati guillotine that is also part of the day of wonders. And that what what happens in the fake world, unlike the seashell, remember, unlike that happens in the real world. Yeah, if you get hurt in your virtual reality glasses, it actually hurts you in the real world too. Which is like saying, oh, they've added a line of code to pack me. And so now you actually die when the ghosts get to you.

What? Yeah. And that's the plan of this movie. Yeah. But following along, the plan of this movie is everyone puts on the VR headsets and Mars Capone cheese goes, hey, you want to take my mark and I'll give you nice shit. And if they say no, they use that line of code and the VR thing to kill them.

Yes. In the virtual world. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Incredible moment. We cut back to stone and he's like sneaking around the building and he opens this thing and he goes I need to cross the wires.

Yeah, the yellow wire with the green. Yeah. Uh-huh. But there is no yellow wire. So instead, he takes out a blowtorch and hits the panel of electronics in three places and he's like, good. That'll do. Yeah. How is fire in three specific locations?

It's part of what freaking in is. You guys will just pry the door open with a crowbar, shape like a giant skeleton key. So I shove it in there and oh, like what? And at some point they were like, what would a janitor have on a blow torch? Yeah, janitor's always carry blow torches. We have one of those.

The top stain. It's the fire. What? One of the things, bad guys need to just use one color of wire. So many plots. Oh no, look at color going into wires. Just make them all. You're a fucking yellow.

If you're listening, ISIS. Yeah, right? Come on, guys. How many people do you think that are part of isis listen to our show yes and now we cut to willy and Helen and she can't figure out like what why this is part of the plan or what he wants to do and he goes, there's nothing in there, but images. And she fucking Jeff Gold blooms that into image of the beast. It what she's there. She's like images, images, mages are wizard, me checkered back.

We're in Francisco wizards Michael Jordan. Jordan Peter sin doesn't like trans people transformers dark side of the moon that's but cheeks who's an asshole the Messiah My friend Idris Elba said beasts of known Yeah, and then of course we've got to go to the satanic ritual where demon guy is is doing a spell and he's got a little poem to go with it He's been working on that yeah poem that he learned from the leprechaun in leprechaun in the apparently pride and need apparently rhymes with apple tree. DZ. Apple tree. And Parker, the demon, he's lighting a cross on fire here, which was lovely. Satan. Yeah. Remember when this was a pet you can in rally?

No celebration of the new goddamn president. Similar times the 90s. Yeah, no. Joel wasn't a giant. god damn president simpler times than 90s yeah no was an ad that that that i miss bob doll that you miss bob member when they were the bad guy oh no

he's the one who will bob doll doesn't win he's the one who fucked up the whole time when he's that he also created obama care y'all there's that too yeah i like him already i hate the Taiwanese. So well, then you shouldn't hate. Well, we'll get it. We'll get it for later.

Anyway, back at the hate or hideout, of course, the day of wonders is nearing and they're all getting like really scared of it or whatever. But we have to have the blind girl decide to try on the helmet again to see if now it works and this time it does and she can see inside the virtual reality universe. And man is this acting performance week. Oh my fucking guy. Who's performance though? Hers or President Maccabees because this guy is absolutely going

for it, but he still manages to get fucking birthday magician out of every word that he delivers. I feel like that's a bad example. Perfume's just fine. Fantastic art. I'm probably using an example that people will understand of someone who's like not super cool. It's like confusing. So yeah, so he shows up in the virtual reality world to say hi and to tell her that if she joins the Satan side she gets to see.

Now I gotta say I feel like he's the good guy Then because he cures the blind lady instead of killing all the good people isn't that kind of what I mean like What isn't that what Jesus did to get everybody on his side in the first place? What you guys are over analyzing Apparently well right after this he does the fine print like like he's naming side effects for Viagra Also now she's just to serve and fatal gunsmaker She's like cool. So I'm not blind. And I get your labia what? Yeah. She's like, he goes, Oh, but you also have to take my mark. And she's like, yeah,

okay, but aim for the tents I'm in. So he burns the 66 and it is marked by the way, so lame, it's just the number 666 on the back of her hand. Yeah, that was that was weak. I wanted I wanted him to offer like a menu there be like okay. We've got Taco Bell You do monster energy or just your basic numbers Come back next time for Taco Bell. Can you do my lower back? No, poor head or hand what woman women keep asking is I hate the 90s So many women keep asking is I hate the 90s But okay, so but now like they're there there are you know, we go back to headquarters I don't know where I guess we were in headquarters That was just a virtual happening or whatever and they don't have time to wait for whatever so that you know

She's like well, we can't figure it out from the computer codes. We can't hack into this I know where to go for real answers it out from the computer codes, we can't hack into this. I know where to go for real answers. Televangelis videos. So this is where we're going to figure out what the day of wonders is really all about via televangelism videos. It's a different televangelis this time though, at least they changed that up. That's true. And so he's there to say, you know, he's going to make everyone obey him or kill them which is again the point of the day of wonders again. Everyone puts on the goggles and then he appears and you say I want a new horse and again you can tell Christians wrote this movie and not me because

I would scare Mac alloso right the fuck off. I'd be like all right you remember our gossess gloop from Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory Okay, I'm gonna need him to have a flexible Lock it in buddy Flexible I'm talking Well, all right, I need a picture of David Silverman. I need three yaks. I need a kitty pool filled with KFC gravy, and I need you to leave.

Yeah, I'll take your mark. Come back in 45 minutes. Don't make it an hour. So they're all figuring this out through televangelism or whatever. Um, and they just very quickly stupid line. He goes, this is real life, not a movie. I'm like, well, that's half right anyway. Um, but this is, this is the part where Cindy comes into secretly tell Willie that she

can see now because she's taken the number of the beast. And she does this by like insulting him. It's great. She's like, you sure it's ugly as fuck. You look like a Matador in a bowling league. What the hell's the matter? He does.

He does. Yeah, no, he does. He does. Yeah. So they go into the other room. So like now they're, they've both, apparently he goes into the VR world and Satan gives him legs that work if he'll join their team too. So he goes into the other room where Helen and the fat Asian dude are and he says, Hey,

you know what, I just decided I found God. So it's probably about time for you to tell me where all the other Christians in the world are hiding. Right. That guy by the way is called Christ Fou Panda in my nose. That's your two. Three. Sorry. I don't even know if he was Vietnamese.

But he does notice the mark of the beast on the back of her hand. No, he doesn't notice the mark of the beast on the back of her hand. What? Yes, this is what's so stupid about this movie. Fat guy sees her, she walks into the room, and she steps over the water glass instead of accidentally kicking it, and that's how he knows that she can see. That is what's wrong with this movie, right?

Yeah, no, other than that, they pretty much nailed it. So yeah, but just, yeah, he realizes just in the last second that she's secretly in league with Satan, right, before they tell him where all the Christians are hiding. And this is what Willie jumps out of his wheelchair because he can walk now and pulls a gun out on him and hellons are like, how could you, Willie? You'll have to park way around the edges now.

You'll never find a good space again. And Willie, by the the way has not lost his comedy he is just pulled a gun on his sister and threatened to shoot her in the face and he's still like is my friend dick chanie with me i'm gonna shoot you in the face let's say Marvin gay's dad is Charlie's the wrong would say. She killed her dad. Yep. Yep. So that he shoots her, but but Christ's food panda pushes her out of the way and takes the bullet in his back, instead, because we don't care about that character. And then she runs off and will he tries to give chase? But I shit you not. He trips over the knocked over water glass.

And Jesus knocked over earlier. That is that is now three water glass related ex machina by my count. Oh Jesus Christ. And I think they missed something here. Stone earlier in that scene, ways asking for the proof. He should have been asking God to peel a banana. And then this would have been way funnier. So, and of course, Stone is still breaking into the main frame, but evil speedo calls him on the radio because he doesn't know speedo's turned evil

and tells him, hey, before it'll work, you're gonna have to run the program and put the virtual reality goggles on yourself. But like put on the goggles yourself. His voice is completely changed. I want to be like, you sound evil now. Yeah.

What? Yeah, your voice is like evil now. Anyway, got the goggles on. It's a contrary to our entire plan from earlier. What are we doing next? Yeah, right. So I guess you know, that's the plan is like give the anti-crime to shot at him before he can upload the virus

Um, and I'm writing in my notes. Gee. I wonder what God's gonna use to seduce the guy with the Deadwife and kid Okay, so here's the thing I was a little stoned when I watched this movie and I forgot that his family was missing So when he came into the virtual reality world and there was just a little girl standing there, I was like, this movie has taken eight, huh? I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, it was a teddy bear the whole time. Oh, that's what did it for you. Oh, Mr. Buttons. Yeah, I'll take the mic. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, up and says, yes, join me. And you can be with your wife and your kid for the rest of your life. And it's just like, what, why would I want to be with my wife?

And Mike, I mean, like, no, yeah, I mean, like you could have put anything of 72 versions could have been you could have done so much more. But, you know, but I guess eventually he decides that he loves Jesus too much. And he won't join the antichrist. So he gets the guillotine. And this is the guillotine that we saw earlier in the movie which again has the illuminati triangle on the top and like arm holds and a choppy thing. And I just want to point out this is like the 18th guillotine we've had which is weird.

I don't know why they think that like the Antichrist would be super into guillotine because the guillotine was like for doing it in a way that was painless. Right. Like it's a scary-looking machine, but like there are worse way. Christians should know there are ways to murder people. It's kind of based on one. Yeah, right, right. But yeah, they seem to really love the guillotine.

And it's very clearly just a bow flex that they like to go far. And it's very cheap. I'm saying the guillotine we have at ReasonCon is lovely. You take pictures in and oh, Jean, do that. Get a picture of a guillotine. You can take pictures in just so you can share it with your crazy Christian family members. Oh, I be care.

We all wear white robes, give everyone a happy heart attack. Come on, Gene. We can count on you, man. And I also love that by the way that this is apparently the Messiah's whole plan. Like every human in the world he's going to do this with today. And yeah, the whole dialogue between these two in the what matrix guillotine play it's so stupid First it's just like stone shows you like I'm trained dude totally wrong about you the true an alien

It's like no get that all time actually evil demon. Yeah, and then he explains his whole evil plot For a nice slow like trophy like the guillotine might as well lower down slowly Austin powers getting dipped into sharks while he claims this. Right. So stupid. And then just as the guillotine blades about to get him, the computer explodes and they rip the goggles off him. Yeah, or they could have just taken the goggles off of him. But here's the amazing thing.

They take off the goggles and she goes, I heard your entire conversation, which means she stood there while he was like, oh no, I will be a Christian. And he was like, oh no, they're putting me in a guillotine. She was like, wait for it. Okay, now. So yeah, so they pull him out just in time so he doesn't get his head chopped off, but now they have to load up the The virus onto the computer or whatever and the bad guys are coming for them So and of course they loaded up and it's got the 2001 load screen going since really fucking slow The virus is not a three and a half inch floppy day. Yeah. So they're hacking Satan's super advanced VR universe, deity thing with like half an MP3.

That's what happened right now. Holy crap. That one's three whole lines of code. Yeah. Right, right, exactly. And of course, they can't get it to load up in time. So he like, he has this clever idea where he's like quick turn around the computer monitor so they won't see that it's loading and

we'll act like we were using this other computers like would they notice a computer monitor turn backwards? Wouldn't that just seem like a really odd fucking thing? But apparently no because it works just fine as the demon minion arrives to stop them also by, by the way, so the demon minion shows up in the building. Cindy and Spino are with him. Did they meet a he was in that building to begin with. He's like, don't run in on him until we get there though. Okay. They treat me with a glass.

So wait for me. Yes. I want to be I don't like to be alone. Remember from earlier I'm thinking of a thing Or demon Lord So yeah, so they they capture the the good guys and I guess they're taking Like the demon guys taking the good guys off the murder room or whatever So Spino's work here is done. He goes out with the security guys and the security guys are like well these security doors are

Opening very slowly as though a large program was being uploaded off of a three and a half inch flappy disc upstairs And he realizes oh no, they're still uploading the virus So they go to this giant industrial furnace And he realizes, oh no, they're still uploading the virus. Right. So they go to this giant industrial furnace. Yep. Where you're supposed to burn waste and stuff. They put all the Christians in their parkers like, you want to not be Christian anymore?

And they're like, no, man, like this is their whole thing. And he's like, all right, all right. So they turn on the furnace, but they don't die. Right. Well, they sing amazing grace. Yeah, exactly. They start singing the black lady, like she gives him the whole,

like, you know, Jesus could totally save us. He probably won't, but you know, even if he doesn't, that's not because he couldn't, it's just because he didn't. She sings for an uncomfortable amount of time before the other people join it. And like, we don't see it,

but I really wish we just saw the shot of everyone being like, oh you're doing the verses too. Oh fuck. Oh, I guess I should join in. I was always going to join in great. Something. You like a lot of this is about slavery. So this is the song about slavery. So in this song about slavery,

yeah, no, I'm, I'm, if you say I can sing it, I'll sing about the blind lady. It's not about. But so, yeah, so he, they're singing amazing race and evil demon parker guy turns the flame on in the chamber, which is operated with a throttle. Yes, yes, like they needed an analog control for the perfect amount of fire that they can move up and down on this thing. Not just that, a throttle which has the capacity to burn down the entire building. Why would you have that setting? This in-burnus, so like I want to see that installation with the guys like, all right, so it gets

up to about 400 degrees and then obviously over here if you turn it up to 900 degrees that'll destroy your whole building. Oh, no, no. What you want to do is you put a piece of masking tape right there and you don't go past that and then you'll know not to burn the building down. Well, and the whole premise of this is so stupid right because like, okay, so the demon guy says turn on the flames and they're singing amazing grace. He's like, turn on the flames. They turn on the flames.

He can still hear the music. And he's like,, oh God's doing that fucking thing from Daniel again. Is he God damn it turned it up higher? It's like is there a is there a limit where God's gonna be like, oh fuck this it's 1500 degrees now Pretty sure God love doesn't have a melting tip And meanwhile the well gee that Jesus statue is still okay, so yeah, and meanwhile the goddamn Minion is going but sir if I turn it up any higher it'll melt the bill What? Keep on the throttle dude tape on the throttle just And this is where willie and and Karen all

Recognize that like oh they got to go stop the virus so they run and Karen all recognized that like, oh, they got to go stop the virus. So they run downstairs and they're like trying to pull all the things out of the computers. And God's last miracle is even though they get there in time to stop the virus from uploading. God gives the computer Wi-Fi. I can't eat uploads anyway. Couldn't God just have stopped the computer from working? Did God really need a fight? Yeah.

Or uploaded it, 100% uploaded a little faster. Or anything. Or he wanted to be like, hey, Willie, look at this. As my friend, Mio used to say, he's so uploaded. Yeah. Yeah.

Take that. And then we get, okay, so we go, we cut back to Parker who's like, turn the furnace up to 86 million degrees or whatever, he's got like nuclear fusion going on and it's got the Amtrasch compadre or whatever. And he's like, you know what, I'll finish him myself and just opens the jar with the nine million proof. Well, right, he's invincible. He was even, he came from hell. Wouldn't you think that he's kind of used to this? And why wouldn't he just phase through the wall there? Yeah, why? Why would you open the door there?

Now the whole building is gonna burn. Huh? Well, yeah. That's how you tie together. Yeah, and then the whole building burns down and he dies. What? Yeah. Anyway, yeah.

So, and then we have to wrap the movie up with some news real. I felt like that was a little nod to the original. I like it. Mm-hmm. And the antichrist is super bombed and he's like, look, I'm still totally the Messiah, but the haters took the day of wonders for us. So, we're gonna do next.

How's everyone's next Friday? Not this time, right? Next Friday. Not the next next next. It's 24th. Ben's on time. So that's the day of satners. Good try. Good try. You like, um, yeah, so yeah, Michelle mark It's like a Canadian writer trying to name a black person That's what it is. I'm not racist. I'm Canadian Merry Christmas everybody

Again six a one half dozen of the other stuff No, I'm sorry, Canada like obviously there are some things that you guys are so polite though to your nine black people. So anyway, so and then we close this whole thing off. We zoom in on stone as they're all watching the news and cheering about the day of wonders being delayed or whatever. And he pulls out a picture of his family, and he caresses it, and then we don't have to watch this movie anymore. All right, so what is your assessment? Was it better or worse than the first one?

Well, more to think about it. I feel like artistically speaking, it's all one cannon tied together. I'm not gonna separate them like that. Be fair. All right, no, that's fair, that's fair. I'm gonna go with better, better. I'm hoping for more comedy high jinks in the next one.

You know, some full physical comedy, but I like the direction the series is going. Yeah, definitely. We needed a zoop sound when he tripped over the water glass. So yeah, there's definitely still some uphill we could climb here. So any predictions for the third one, anything other than that,

that you guys are looking forward to? Very beautiful. Well, there's that. That would be lovely. I'm thinking maybe we get a new antichrist for each act next time. It's like, oh, all right. And it's like blue collar comedy tour.

It's minus Ron White, who's Larry's. But the other three, they'll fucking involve. Here's your apocalypse son. If you can't be killed and everyone thinks you're gone You might be the panic right? Here's your sign of the apocalypse exactly Well obviously we get you something as evolution he has thumbs to rate a movie like this Plus everybody already knows that it sucks

So rather than sticking with a traditional rating scale scale i'll wrap up by simply asking you this what is the absolute least that the anti-christ would have to offer you to convince you to take the mark of the beast oh i'm gonna say a cd with 53 hours oh movie set you up for that one uh two thousand gems in plants versus zombies here oh there you go there you go i would go for two hours of free men in candy crush and well that's gonna do for a review of apocalypse to revelation that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because apparently they still had more to say despite how little they've said thus far so you like to us what's on deck

tribulation very beautiful finally finally some of those superstar actors that got us excited about this series in the beginning. So with Gary to look forward to, we'll bring up episode 69 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful.

And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist and the Skepticrade available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever Else Podcast Live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions,

you can email Godoffelmovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nekaveevil, Drafts on Marson. Was used with permission. If you like what you hear here and more by following the link on the show notes for this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right Neely Bosnick. I'm no illusions

Promise in a work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close Steve Jobs invented demon VR goggles that do the exact same thing for double the price, but the plastic on the outside was sleeker. Cindy eventually saw Willie's balls and ripped out her eyes. Parker retired from demonning to move in with his brother, the psychologist in New York City. Weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur. Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños. ¡Te apuntas!