God Awful Movies - 7: GAM007 Brother White

Episode Date: October 6, 2015

In this week’s episode, special guest masochist Nick Morgan-Moore joins us to break down Brother White, a movie that falls somewhere in the racism spectrum between War Room and Mein Kampf.   If you can’t get enough of Nick’s sexy Australian accent, you can also hear him on The Imaginary Friends Show and The Atheist Apocalypse.  You can also follow him on Twitter, or subscribe to his YouTube Channel. And if you’d like to hear more from our maestro, Ryan Slotnick, you can check out Evil Giraffes on Mars.

Are they going for blackface? Like that sort occurred to me while watching this movie. We wouldn't be surprised. We wouldn't be like, oh, blackface in this movie? We'd be like, oh, they got blackface in this one. Good. It's here. Let's go next.

Oh, I got Christian Movie Bingo. Yay, blackface. Oh my god, I got Christian movie bingo game Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be which apparently I've been neglecting to mention and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thank you. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig. Eli, good to see that you managed to free yourself from those nipple clamps in time to join us tonight. I had to chew my way through my right nipple, but it was worth it. We've all been there. And joining us for the first time is StateSide Australian comedian podcaster and special guest, Massacus Nick Morgan Moore Nick. Welcome to God awful movies. That's my name and that's the catchphrase I do on another

book. Now unlike all of our previous guests Nick you knew full well what you were getting into when I asked you on the show and you still said yes what gives? Well I've actually already seen a bunch of the movies that you guys have reviewed so far some of them back when i was a true believer you're getting really yeah yeah yeah the era the first of the uh... the left behind movies they played in my church when i was uh... about sixteen years old and i was like wow this is terrible

this is what we have to deal with. Like, they in the world have movies that are actually good and we have this crap. Okay. So yeah, like I'm happy to come along and yeah. Awesome. Now of course, the main reason that we wanted you on for this particular movie is that like the characters

in this movie, you're in the midst of your first experience with the American South. You just benefit in Montgomery, Alabama, correct? Yes, yes, yes. So, okay, so before we even get into this movie, I'm dying to know, is our racism and general lack of dental hygiene all that's cracked up to be?

I'm from Country, Queensland, which is like the Australian version of the Bobo Belt. Gotcha. So that sounds like the name of a country that someone made up in a last minute under torture. I was like, where are you from? Country, Queensland. Yeah.

It's tablevania. Stop shutting my balls. Yeah, I'm from Townsville. Yeah, that's country answer. That's what someone gives after being water-borked. Yeah. Yeah, so what was the question again? Well, okay, so I have a new question. Other than the lack of like man-sized scorpions

and dinosaurs that spit venom, it signfelt fat neighbor, what would you say is like the biggest difference between Australian Alabama? Oh, that's a big, that's a big ask. But I've got an answer. Okay. So the urinals when you go to take a piss, right? The urinals are all below knee height and I'm like the fuck, right? I mentioned to someone I'm like your urinals are too low and they're like what are you talking about? Where would you put a urinal? And I'm like your urinals are too low and they're like what are you talking about? Where would you put a urinal and I'm like dickhead? Right right dickhead or right below dickhead by like an inch

Like you put it on the ground you're getting splashback We swing mad pipe here in the states bro. Yeah, no you don't Wait, oh you have to understand that we just we're so lazy in america that we prefer to just stand there and i'll slowly allow ourselves to pee on the floor so if the toilet is the floor it says need is it's going to get that that makes a lot more sense i mean it reminds me of when i was in china and the toilet was literally just the floor yeah you know they have those two all right so without further ado i guess we should get to this week's movie he thought we break down today bro

we've got brother white it's about a white pastor from los angeles who moves to a poor neighborhood in it lana so we can save a bunch of black people from themselves uh... i'm like ninety percent sure the original title was brother white man's burden it's uh... uh... uh...

lot more descriptive. Other white power white yet brother white supremacy take up to brother white man's burden. Yeah exactly might as well a bit so make a better crack at this one but you're our gas so you get first steps how bad was this movie uh... this movie was so bad that if I could watch the human centipede on repeat for the rest of my life instead of ever talking about this movie with anyone,

I could do that. That still is an option. It's not too late to turn back. I could. I could. See, these like seriously contemplating it. And obviously and obviously like it's already come up But the movie really starts being racist in the second word of the title So I think we have to hit that topic right up front So he I'm gonna change the phrasing for you a little bit. How racist was this movie? All right, oh, well you have an Australian and you asked somebody else about racism come on And you ask somebody else about racism. Come on, guys. Yeah, they still keep their people in the push.

They're like, the reason that I've been in since I came to the South is they're like, you're from Australia? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, good job murdering all those brown people. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Keep your subtle and did a great job.

We really appreciate it. Really. Sort of a national. We watch with that clip where he shoots the kid in the back. It is our national anthem. Everyone's got to sit through it. He's Canadian. Yeah, this was pretty brutal. I'll put it this way. I fell asleep watching this movie the other day and when I woke up, Netflix had auto-played Birth of a Nation.

Yeah, right. It's's very, very racist movie. It's kind of like, interracial porn, if there was no sex, just great acting. Right. Exactly. Just the setups of interracial porn, is what this whole movie is. I actually make a lot,

that would make this movie make a whole lot more sense. Oh, oh, like there's total, like I've got a point in my notes for later on, we'll get to it, but yeah, like there's things like I've got a I've got a point in my notes for later on we'll get to it But yeah, like there's things going on behind the scenes guys. Yeah, this is I will say of all the movies we reviewed so far This is the easiest movie to jerk off to There's a lot of scenes in here where you're like I should be jerking off. I know I should be getting ready and this I should be getting some lotion and some tissues. Yeah exactly. And Eli so compared to like War Room or mine comp where where does brother white fall for you? I'd say it's

definitely more racist than mine comp because Taylor was just sort of starting out. War Room wise I gotta, I think it might be more racist than Warroom because Warroom is racist because you know it was written by white guys, but I think having a white character or white characters who react to black characters with hatred and disgust puts a whole new spin on the racism thing. Because sort of the the meta story is like gross. All right, well there's definitely a ton of frantic amateur scripting bafflingly melancholy performances and grossly anachronistic stereotypes to get to, but before we do that we're going to take a richly deserved break, and when we come back we're going to dive into all the insanity of

birth of a nation too, brother white. It recently came to our attention via a polite but critical review that was removed from iTunes for abusive language that our show, while retarded and pointless, is nevertheless unproductive immature and gives atheists a bad name. We also learned that fuck you and your podcast. But after deeply considering the meat of Mr. Attack eyebrows' critique, namely that our podcast is quote, like people who hate math trying to make sense of mathematicians end quote or if I may paraphrase like people who are really bad at analogies trying to write an iTunes review we realized that our show probably could

benefit from a more diverse vantage point which is why we scoured the internet this week to find out what other people had to say about brother white. Bucster Meister Brow says very well done. Any Christian film with Reginald Val Johnson is bound to be good. Erica leaves a five star review on Amazon and says this movie is also a good movie. This is awesome. Chris was a bit more stingy with her stars. She only offered one and said, do not buy this movie.

He makes jokes about ushering in the presence of the Holy Spirit in the church service. This is an offense to God. Our God's presence is sacred. I was completely outraged and through the movie away. Patricia strikes me as like the eighth comment down on an Amazon review. Right. At least the amount of down votes. Rotten Tomato says there are no critic reviews for Brother White.

Keep checking Rotten Tomatoes for uptake. Oh, by the way, there's also no user reviews if anybody watched along and wants to vent. We also have a review from Kappy who wrote, We have enjoyed Brother White. The humor begins when Brother White's wife is named Lily. So Lily White accompanied her husband to an all-black church. Lots of humor. Q. Larity. And according to Bill 1988,

Are you over 13? What? Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark? It's a double approval movie for all ages. Yes, I am over 13. It is a grot movie. I have seen many of their movie. Our name says what they are. Perflex.

Doug had nothing but good to say about this five star review that read, item as advertised. And finally, Angel via the Christian movie database had this to say, I'm watching this movie and they don't even go to ATL, they just go to Inglewood. Because my grandmother lives down the street from that church. So now that we've dedicated a few

minutes to considering a broad spectrum of opinions, I hope it's clear to everybody that even though we're atheists, we can reveal this horrible, wretched, racist, deplorable, boring, abominable, amateurish piece of shit objectively. And we're back for the massacre's abortion of this evening's events, and we're going to start off by meeting our protagonists, say, married couple played by real-life husband and wife, David A.R. White, and Bitchie Atheist Lawyer Chick from Do You Believe. And we're going to meet them in the most superfluous look. Here's some human scene that you can possibly imagine.

Yeah, I literally wrote in my notes, we're a family. Look at how we family, family, family, family. That's about it. It's not that there was no establishing shot. It's just that like there was one second establishing shot and then, oh my God, look at this white family. They're so white. And I also noticed that there was no production company logo at the beginning of this movie.

It just started so abruptly. Oh, roughly. Like this is a city, these are humans go. Right, and the writers just seem to have no sense of like, you know, that there are like things are supposed to happen in scenes and that there's supposed to be a reason for each scene to be there. Because we're just like randomly getting, okay,

so here's some people and they're getting dressed and now they're in a car It's like it was it's like listening to a five-year-old tell a story But he doesn't know which parts are superfluous. Yeah, exactly like like an example of the writing in this movie They're in a car and the daughter goes are we there yet while playing off the while playing on her phone And the dad just gives her a look that just says I'm fucking you behind the thing So again, I know that we've had a meta commentary throughout this series about the atheist writer in the room And he's really really present in this movie

Yes, he at the very beginning he goes let's go learn about God and the kid goes I want to learn about baseball and I was so expecting for the kid to go because baseball is real like I can see baseball and touch baseball. We all frown on it when baseball rapes someone. I mean like we don't stop it when frown on it. All of this that we're talking about we're not even a minute and a half into the movie yet because I haven't noticed it says one minute thirty three seconds my girlfriend told me I can't pause it every time They say something dumb because we won't ever finish

You'd be about eight minutes in at this point and it's funny because okay So he gets to his job and he works at this mega church and it occurs to me that for some people in the universe you know that's not terrifying and awful and horrible like you know it I have to keep reminding myself like for the people who are watching this movie when you see him go into a mega church you're not you're not supposed to go oh okay these are the bad guys right exactly it's so and that was a big problem we'll get to it but a big problem I have get to it but a big problem I have in this movie is I'm not sure if I'm supposed to like or dislike

certain characters because I'm like is that is he bad I feel like he's bad not clear you guys seen the television show Reaper no no okay okay I watched it very clever riding very enjoyable loved it the uh the pastor of the church kingman uh played by ray wise he plays the devil so as soon as this guy walks out on stage and he has the exact same mannerisms speech patterns the exact same lines i was like holy fuck fuck Noah you you me! You told me this is a shitty Christian movie and now I get towards the devil to get and kill this white family. So, man!

Maybe birthday! They booked the guy from Bigass Spider. This is awesome! Yeah, he's also the least memorable bad guy from RoboCook. Yeah, this is the snuff film that David our a our white died in we got it together thank you for your Patreon dollars guys I know we haven't been saying what I but it was to kill David a our white and his wife and we couldn't have done it without you oh can we come in for you the Kendrick brothers coming for you next K star that would fun over night take that Neil Gaiman's wife

Need a sarcasm ain't got nothing on us And we'd get less death threats Want to murder someone that's fine video games are a little misogynistic fuck that bitch So I just I wanted to point out in the so we're at the super church which by the way I completely agree because in my notes a terrifying super church footage It's supposed to be a mega church let me let me just let the audience know It's supposed to be a mega church, me let me just let the audience know that it's supposed to be a mega church But they didn't film it in a mega no ah so it's like a pretend mega church Which is what I went to when I was a Christian all right like the guy who's like

Prey Singh talking at the audience There was a guy like that who got stepped down because he fucked a bunch of teenagers So like I was watching this movie with like a lot of nostalgia. That's terrifying. Oh, I remember him. He used to play Where Am I the Most Ticklish? So again, yeah, Johnny Kingman comes on stage and I just happened to my notes, ah, Peter Popoff is the good guy in this movie. That's not allowed. I wrote Benny Hinn myself, but yeah. Oh, by the way, a black lady rushes the stage to shake his hand, because this is totally not going to be an extremely racist movie, you guys.

Totally not. And again, this was not filmed in a mega church, but we're supposed to be thinking mega church. So you can see a lot of shots of the audience where it pans for like half a second, and then it's over, you know, or you can only see 15 people at a time. It's like the Mets trying to convince everyone that they've got a full stadium now.

It's like, oh, look at these fans lining up at the gate to get their tickets. You fair, they won the pen at this year, give them a break. Yeah, yeah, this is like the one year you can't really make jokes about the Mets. And they won their division at this point. They're gonna blow it. year give him a break. Yeah. Yeah. This is like the one year you can't really make jokes about the match They won their division. They're gonna blow it. They're gonna blow it the Metz fans know it They're like a child kidnapper who lets the kid run out into the front yard and then electrocutes his collar A bunch of the seats in the church just have blow up dolls sitting on them them just just blow up dolls just sitting filling up extra

Yeah, right. Like hey, this isn't the couple laying on the highway. Like How did everyone have so many blow up dolls? Oh, we're Christians. We're going. Yes. Come on now. Ashley Madison So then Kingman gives this speech where he Talks about how rich he is and how he was trying to count his blessings but he lost count. Ha ha ha ha. Hilarious. And he's like, is it because I have a Ferrari?

And so he's giving the, and I was like, is this, and this is what I was talking about before, is this an admirable character? Exactly, exactly. I'm not sure, there's no day new mom for this character where he's like, I don't know, I don't think I thought about Jesus enough. So either it's bad filmmaking and he is supposed to be a good character or a bad character or he's a good character and like priests who have a Ferrari are a thing to look up to. Yeah.

And later on, we find out that it's the latter, but I'm sitting there like right now going okay so this guy's like secretly fucking everyone's kids what's going on right right no it he's doing this whole humble brag about being rich and i'm thinking of myself oh okay so he's like the anti jesus and and of it and but no like the the movie postulates that this is like this is the person that our hero wants to be. Our main character is aspiring to be like this asshole. Old white bro.

Can we talk about the hero for a second? What's his name, David AR White? Retarded Owen Wilson. Yeah, I wrote caveman Tony Romo, but yeah. I got the idea. So he's the main character. Are we gonna learn his name not important for now he'll be James every white man perfect we'll be like 18

minutes in I think it was was when we actually learned the character's name right can we make him look like Jay Leno fucked Pete the Puma yes we can we will not be telling you his name yet and he's constantly covered in a sheen of sweat start of movie to end of movie yeah we just let the audience know that every time this guy is on camera he is sweating right he looks like a backstreet boy that circled the earth at the speed of light 450 times just can't oh no my buddy and that makes my knees hurt when it rains. Yeah.

So now, and I guess he is like the, like one of the lower deacons or whatever of this church. And it's his job to teach the little kids, I guess, well, Johnny Kingman is fleecing their parents. So we then cut to him in the in the in the little kids room teaching the kids about no as our and i'm like really fuck let me go back to you kids on the look at this but i'm a page

and now this is a scene if this is uh... obviously another example of the atheist sneaking into the writers's room here. Yeah, this was, I was just like, but there's gonna be a moment where this gets reversed, right? Because there's lots of moments in Christian movies where there's a character, an atheist character, a secular character, or whatever, who comes forward and is like, how come your God watches while everyone gets raped? And people are like, go fuck yourself. And that's it, the movie's just like, great, go out of great answer. No one ever people are like go fuck yourself and that's it the movie is just like great Go out of great answer. No one ever thought I go fuck yourself before hi, you're genius

But this was weird because the movie didn't address it the movie usually at least addresses it with like yeah, but a rainbow This time the movie was just like yeah, it's pretty fucked up, right? I love that about to give the backstory here I love that about it. To give the backstory here, he's teaching the kids about Noah's Ark, and one of the kids says, everybody died and became bloated floating corpses, and all of the children react with proper empathy and horror and disgrace. And he's like, no, no kids no kid Fuck those people God said fuck those people. I damn them all

But apparently this is this is a horrible thing here so because this boss is going like dude Can't you teach kids about global genocide without you know upsetting them? So apparently this is just supposed to be an example of a of a you know upsetting them uh... so apparently this is just supposed to be an example of eight of a you know whatever kids pastor doing a bad job because the bible is fucking horrible is it his fault of the bible's horrible can i teach from a different book maybe that would help but they point out that it would have been that bad except that the week before he was trying to explain where came got his wife from right like i can only imagine what that Sunday school would have been like, whereas so,

Kane didn't have a wife, so he just dug a hole in the ground and he just fucked that hole in the ground. And God was like, oh no, it's really sad that he's fucking the ground all of fun. And there's a hole which is and that's not good. So God came down and like he just he just gathered up all of his dirty giz mud that he'd made in that hole and and he used that giz mud to make a woman for Kane to fuck but she was ugly so Kane murdered people.

Alright, the prequel to this movie was awesome. Exactly. Now kids take your crans I want you to draw jizz mud hole what would that man everyone wants to use white and brown crans huh why don't I even bring the 64 pack like it was it was at this point in the movie where zandy was like fuck it I'm out and so I had to watch the rest of the movie in five minute trunks while shitting over the next three days. So I had diarrhea, so I got through it. It's fine. And I'll tell you, I enjoyed having diarrhea more than I enjoyed this movie.

And we missed a scene. We missed the first time that he was a cunt to his wife. So he's unhappy with his wife and his wife just goes to him. Well be grateful that you've got a totally sexy wife and he's like, I can't be grateful you're my property. Right, you have to. Also, I'm a closet homosexual. I have no idea what you're, you discussed me, you're about to discuss me. I usually have a mouthful of vomit when I put it in you. I thought it was really interesting, the incredible lack of chemistry between these two actors and the Mario.

Yeah, I thought I'm not out in a like no way. That's all married. That poor, just the vagina. Only that thing is new, still in boss. Yeah, exactly. It's like an unwrapped action figure waiting for someone to play with it And then this scene we also mean Aziza and sorry's dad who is I don't know what this character is supposed to be He's supposed to be like Hollywood so he's I

supposed to be he's supposed to be like Hollywood so he's right orange tan I I I put him down in my notes as mommy in Bezler because I was so sure this guy was gonna be the mommy in Bezler and no no and that's it. The movie don't actually eventually you know makes more sense than they did at the beginning yeah it's just it's not that kind of movie. I wrote down Toad from the first X-Men movie. Oh, very good. You have him as a Muslim Paul Giamatti with a rug. Yeah.

You will. Not bad. So now our hero, and I'm not even going to mention him by name, because the movie hasn't named him yet uh... so are here all has gotten in trouble because he upset all the kids and try to explain where canes waf uh... came from so apparently he's now been bumped down on the list of who gets to pastor when or whatever and he's very upset about that yeah he's twenty

eight on the list yes crazy but again here's the thing I don't know how mega churches work. So a part of me was like, is that real? Because I don't know what's a movie and what's real. So I was like, are there 28 people waiting to preach? We had like a rabbi and a lady who would just serve cookies when he was sick. I don't understand.

That seems like a lot of organization for something for everyone playing pretend This is like if you went to play house as a little kid But then you applied for a mortgage like you weren't just like Okay, so you need to fill out an i9 form Quarterly, so we'll wait. I want to just win am I the doctor? No, no if you want a doctor you have to take all this premed Sinsor of biochemistry lecture. That's how 28 pastors sounds to someone who hasn't been a part of that culture

And I guess what we're supposed to be seeing here is that that the hero wants to be like a wealthy, well-to-do pastor, and the movie's kind of hinting at like, oh, that's like a bad thing, but the movie doesn't have the balls to say that's a bad thing. So we're doing it through, as these, I'm sorry, is Dad slash toad slash Muslim Paul Giamond the the Arabic spleen from mystery man that guy actually gives him some good advice I think he says if you you know if you got this degree from Divinity School you're actually gonna need something else and that's you absolutely should

also get a real degree in something in addition to your Divinity School degree that's very good advice to get an MBA or something. I can see that but there's again It's a moment where the where the the movie wants him to be like I got a degree in business and we're supposed to be like Business once you ever gonna use business. What an invisible Jesus saying next So as if we haven't learned enough about how miserable our hero's life is now we have to go meet his his in-laws Right, so we come in and grandpa is telling a grocery goes it lays it's larva in the skin and everyone's like I can't eat while you're talking about science but and so then he gives the grandkids gifts and the

Storytelling of this movie movie were supposed to be like Stupid grandpa given gifts, but like that's a nice thing for grandpa's to do is give their kids gifts That's right, but we're supposed to be looking at this through the lens of the dad that can't afford the gifts I guess that's I guess that's what they're going for here And I also love that because they're trying to emphasize the fact that the grandparents are rich and everything. So he gives the kid a polo mallet. Yeah, exactly. I like the shining reference though. That was nice. By the way, you can't play polo without also a horse and like seven other people also who have horses. So it's kind of like it's grandpa about to give them each some slaves to to play with it

he looks like colonel sanders and that's the scene that got cut carol we think in june was a real downer about the whole grandpa gives you slaves for your birthday scene i don't want to go into it it's off camera drama that's true but he did give multiple iphone so is like you know a bunch of chinese children died for this He's like I already got one bit of bunch of Chinese children died for and it's like even more died for them Hey Nick, Nick, they're not children. They're full grown adults and they kill themselves because they're so unhappy Get it right

Get it right How's the way with everyone in this movie, by the way? Just Every one of the the film yeah, exactly exactly. It's like they all did a little bit of cardio before every shoot It was like all right everyone 10 setups before we shoot not you Carl. You don't have to good. I can't If I lie down, I'll die the weight will crush whatever skeleton I have Not dissolving to mush whatever skeleton I have, not dissolving to mush. It's a big pile of mush.

And again, because we're, I guess, because of trying to beat us over the head with just how unhappy and unsatisfied with his life, the main character is grandpa and grandma start reminding the daughter, their, his wife, about all the other guys who would like to fuck her instead of him. Yeah, I have in my my notes remember how much those people wanted to fuck you Fuck you so hard

Fuck you so so hard It's just like my 20 minutes of cover if I went to Thanksgiving and my mom was like Well, I don't know you know during freshman year of college Eli was Polly and he couldn't stop ramming his way through the NYU Hey mom time to wrap it up. We'll go ahead and take your red wine and give you water. Just like Eli used to wrap it up when he'd ram all of those dudes. No, I didn't. I put down the down like the

is why this is why every time I day to go I make sure that she's been excommunicated from a super religious family. Yeah. Shit. Hey, girl, before we take this any further, do you talk to your parents? No, all right. Let me just hit the very white. Also, there's a weird moment where he's like, I'm a failure.

And I was like, I'm on the side of grandpa. He is a failure. Like this is, grandpa's obviously like, you're such a failure and I was like I'm on the side of grandpa. He is a failure. Like this is grandpa's obviously like you're such a failure. You're just a 27-screen preacher at a mega church and we're supposed to be like he's not a failure but he is though. Yeah but he is though. The only if we're using the supervillain school of, which is based on money, he is a failure. And if we're using any other standard of goodness for helping the world, he's a failure. Right. This guy brought to mind a word that I haven't used in reference to someone for many years,

partly because I'm an adult, i'm a comedian so i think of up i think of like sick burns for people but this guy was just a loser yes yeah he was just a loser and he continued to be one throughout the movie again he never stopped being a loser no i mean spoiler alert later on in the movie he will be victorious at one thing and it's pretty much just because they were like David you play pool right like that's the well later on in this movie He will win a game of pool everything else. He is the mr. McGoo of the Christian Of the white man's burden

Yeah exactly. Yeah, this movie is like if mr. McGoo there had been been a mister magu cartoon where he liberated out shf that's what it's just like blink i knock into the fence and a bunch of skinny jews come hobbling out from the sound of it those are deer escaping uh... and so uh... it cuts from that to him being a complete come to his wife again. Yes, and he's like, oh, maybe you could have been the property of someone who's more successful than me. Yeah, I wrote in my, because he goes, you ever wondered what it would be like to be married to a woman?

And I wrote in my notes, every day, now I'm soaking wet. Exactly right. It's a thin coating of vaginal mist over the set that day. Just why everyone's so sweaty, solved it. Good job Eli. I win got off of movies the final episode. Which by the way, Lily White vegetables. To speak to how little chemistry they have, she turns to him when he's doing that like I'm such a loser modeling she goes James honey baby and I just wanted to be like sugar pony fan just can't

stop saying colloquial names until blood runs out of her mouth and she collapses. That was yeah that I mean that's the quality of dialogue that we got in this movie though yeah he basically he says do you ever wonder what if he liked to be married to a senator she's like do you ever wonder what if you like to be married to a man who's married to a woman who could have been married to a senator like oh it's just fucking up shut up and again I would like m.i. high I feel like someone gave me PCP and was like look at him he's trying to watch a blank screen. I was just in the corner facing my dog's cage being like,

David, all right, you're never going to help the guy from Sunfeld get into the university for heart knocks. And I also want to point out that the movie makes it very clear, at least on two occasions in the first five minutes that he drinks water not alcohol which is very very not Christian B very rude the yeah about like how about some scotch or bourbon or something and he's like and then he's holding water it's like oh so we missed the scene where he was rude because it's not it's not rude to forget if you don't drink you can be like oh no thanks but there's just like belong we get a we get a cut shot to him drinking water

So we're supposed to believe that he was like fuck no man no scotch for me. He was like well that's weird Weird of you to say when you're in my own later on then we later on then we will get to it He's in a bar right and he's like orders of water and there's a guy having a drink next to him and he literally drinks his water guard water Refreshing refreshing water. There's no alcohol in this No way, look touching any alcohol to my lips Yeah, they weren't exactly subtle about things in this movie to be fair David A.R. White used this movie as an example of his

sobriety for his do you i hearing uh... they cut a bunch of the the movie of the job to like guilty a while your honor if you'll watch this montage i made uh... uh... delicious water huh even in the movies i don't drink you killed a kid did I? Yes

He didn't by the way in case anybody's wondering at least it's not that's K-Lin Jenner K-Lin Jenner killed a kid Well, I use the right name I use the right name She killed someone With her car She killed someone with her car But if you ever heard to somebody before they found this and then your further that previous No, they don't like to be dead names that's dead naming okay, she killed someone with her car Murdered someone someone. Yeah, herself. It's hard.

Yeah. And then let's get back to the movie because why guys were so PC. No, we did that. We nailed that. We make that. So anyway, so we cut back to the church. Now we're back at mega church and we see that the guy's son is sleeping at church because brother white devil is a bad father And so now we get I don't know we're like maybe 10 12 minutes into the movie or something and we get our second Johnny Kingman preaching thing here and this is the most bizarre god damn fucking monologue

I've ever heard come out of a person's lips because he's talking about like take a swim in Lake you Climbed on the top of Mount you and I'm thinking like in any other context. That's a Master patient euphemism is a miss and if that's like you know be the master of your domain I mean, but apparently it's supposed to mean something else in this world They took this speech from the crumpled thrown away notes in Tony Robbins trash can like so even he was like I know I look like a giant monster but these are not going to get away with this. Well you have to understand though that a lot of the time the preaching in mega churches a lot of it could actually be euphemisms for masturbation like

very very often it's very heavy handed you know they're not they're not having handed could be you've been missing for masturbation yeah no you mentioned it but like seriously like Tony Robbins doing on of hands and your Lord come and fill me and yes like yeah I don't think that's masturbation at that point living water pouring forth from your spit yeah and of course I guess our our hero, pastor, or brother White, or whatever, is so excited and so thrilled by this moving, preaching thing that the guy is doing, that he stands up to get all excited, but he just can't stand up properly so he knocks some stuff over. So once again, I wrote down, like, because it looked to me like he was just trying to get off that damn stage

And so what I wrote down is oh my god. I'm so sweaty. I need to change my shirt And then he charges off the stage and kicks a hole for a poster. Yeah Yeah, it's and he ruins a cardboard cutout and his line is I can pay you back I'm good with payment plans and I was like dude, Carbord Carbord to like Yeah, five bucks like seven. Yeah, how much does that Holy shit money did you check your couch cushions? Sultman there Well, yeah, how much does that fucking post across years of payment? Is it made from Jesus' actual skin?

Well, actually, it's inconclusive. I mean, I'm the scientist who did the same thing on the Shrouda Torah, and you can't really say one way or the other whether or not it's made from the Shrouda Jesus. Really? All science says it's not the skin of Jesus. Okay, maybe, maybe. But on the other hand, look at this little old Italian lady. She swears that she can, I don't know. They're stupid. They get stupid as they get older. Am I right? Why don't you go fix some more paintings, grandma? Alright, I'll do this one. It looks like a monkey. Helping, helping. Looks better now Bobo we know I wish me a wish me on a visual medium. Um, so yeah the

I'm I'm sure in the script or whenever they thought this up It was supposed to be that he broke something expensive But they didn't have the budget to break something expensive so he had to kick a hole in a poster and we're all supposed to just roll with that. Oh, that must have been a really expensive poster. And he gets fired because of it. Yes. Well, he gets sent to Atlanta. And there's this cra- and again, we have this crazy moment. He goes to his family. He's like, there's this church at Atlanta. And they go down and there's this moment that never gets resolved in the movie where the families like don't take me away from my life

I have friends here. I'm happy here, and he's just like you love peaches, and that's it It's just like uh, but I made him when they sent him down Anna and a credit where credit is due made a major Revelation about this movie this movie is the sound of music Except instead of children, it's black people. It's about a religious figure and it's like, how do I solve a problem like David R. Why? And so he gets sent to the place. There's even a moment later where he talks about his favorite things. There's this movie, it's the sound of music, but instead of white white children it's black people and they have a concert and they escape the Nazis it's all makes sense.

I think that you say that I actually made the note from like as soon as he got to Georgia and his first interactions with black people I wrote down black people are still slaves in this universe the civil rights movement never happened. Apparently yeah no we told him about the emancipation thing that that the impression that i got from him getting to george and by the way you can tell your in george because lady smith black mombazo is singing to you everywhere you go the music comes out as ridiculous as like elephants it's a so far

shooting across Atlanta they have no idea what it's a monkey holding a lion cub up on every corner to the side. You've got to wait until they're done with their thing. They get very aggressive. And by the way, the reason that they know that they don't know what it's like in Atlanta, Georgia is because they filmed these parts in Ingol with. But yeah, no, but everyone watching this movie was like, sure, they're in Georgia. Look it on the ... Wait, sorry, sorry, the black people. I said black people. I said, I don't have to put a dollar in the jar. No, I don't.

I started to say it, but then I didn't finish. So, yeah, so he has to break it to his family that he's gonna move him from hip cool la to shitty Atlanta Georgia mom doesn't want to go but she does what she's told because she doesn't have a penis right because you see him kind of just rolling over her but not literally rolling over her because that mean contact and no he'd have to go into the bathroom and think about Nick Cannon for 45 minutes. Oh Yeah, it's my dig in a box. It's my All right, I'm ready to go shut up. Don't say anything Maybe don't shave maybe just let your leg hair grow out

Like the only time that he ever fucked I was through a glory hole with a picture of a dude stuck on his Yeah, exactly or maybe she wore like a one of those little Ronald Reagan mask stashes. Yeah, there you go Hey there sport Put a baby in my butt God if I had a nickel for every time I've done wrong Reagan saying put a baby in my butt. Oh, I need new material.

No, you don't do that one, I'll never die. So they go to Georgia and apparently they arrive in Georgia via a prostitutes apartment or something. Because they're clearly not coming out of an airport. They're clearly not coming out of a bus station or anything like that. They seem to be coming out of the red light district when they get picked up by Reginald Vell Johnson

who I believe Eli Spitt, I did, identifying as Carl Weatherington or something like that. Carl Winslow from there. Well, Carl Winslow, yes, also there. But he, we had so weird hybrid name. He looks so terrible in this movie. I have pages of notes about his physical appearance. He's in such terrible shape that in this movie,

they shoot him like a pregnant sitcom actress. Yes. When Lily was pregnant for high-much her mother and she was always holding something in front of her and the same with Rachel and friends, that's what they had to do with this man because he climbed into a cloning machine at the tame time as a bowl of pudding like the fucking fly from Jeff Goldham. He came out the other side and he was like, well this is what I look like now.

Oh my god, you're home. I'm like, no, it's fine. I live down south. I would say one third. It's not, it's always the extras. It's not except for this guy It's always the extras in this movie, but one third of the bodies in this movie are surrealistic horror escapes Like Salvador Dali. Yes, when it made be baby W porn. That's what we're looking at Oh, yes, the women are big and beautiful, but they're also

melting. His body looks like a fat woman standing backwards. That's what he is. Physical form is at this point. I'm not usually men don't have a front but. And I want to point out again, like the where this movie was filmed, you live man don't have a front but ha're obviously not in a bad part of a city No, anyway, the way the way this movie has defined being in a bad part of the city is that there are black people there That's right. Yes, the others are like, oh, it doesn't matter like oh, well, do you want to shoot this in the projects? No, no, no, we'll just put black people in it. They'll get it That's right, but this movie goes even further than that Like the definition of a bad person in this movie is just a black person. Oh, they don't even go

There's a bad guy that gets introduced in a minute who's like only thing that does bad is being a black guy Right, right and looking like Barack Obama. Well, there's yeah, that's pretty unforgivable But first we have to meet the the most racist character in this movie who who pops into the window like a fucking muppet and gets more cartoonish from there he pops head in the window and is like hi everybody and then becomes more cartoonish from there now you said how wind low looks like he was put through the fly machine that Jeff Goldle went with a bowl of pudding. This guy is just two bowls of pudding.

His name is Clayton Hamilton. He uses the word freezer reader. And if I ever get crazy billionaire money, I'm going to replace all of the books on Audible with this guy's voice reading Oh, it's also probably worth pointing out that this this scene actually begins because they're moving their stuff in it actually begins With the wife telling two black men what to do right as they bring She's telling them where to move the couch. I wrote in my notes. Do do they have slaves? Again, again this world slavery still exists

Apparently, by the way fun game to play while we watch this movie try to learn as much as you can about black culture. So things black people do according to this movie. Climb in the second floor window of random strangers. That's one thing about black culture. They also call refrigerators free. Freezers. They don't speak. Let me point out as well that this is a second floor. This guy didn't climb up to the second floor, somebody let him down on a rope. That's the only way this guy didn't die of a heart attack. Mission Impossible Swings, right?

Exactly. Dan, Dan, Dan. Fraser Raynor. Dan. That's fucking crazy. Also another thing we learned about Black culture, they'll wear a cabbyscap to come pick you up, even if they're not a cab driver.

And just Asia's a love to wear little hats. Little servant hats. What? What? That commercial. Little servant hats. What? It's gonna be in the interstitials

so i i i want to point out though because you guys keep acting like this movie is racist but it's not because the homeless guy is white that's true yeah but he's so dirty he looks black he's covered in black dirt yeah like uh... repeatedly those harmless people, I'm like, are they going for blackface? Like that sort occurred to me while walking this video. And we wouldn't be surprised. We wouldn't be like, oh, blackface in this movie, we'd be like, oh, they got blackface in this one.

Good. Good. I was waiting for this day. It's here. It's here's here oh my god I got Christian movie bingo yay black Christian movie bingo that's our next goal Kickstarter um also I just want to point out how Christian it is to have a scene where the pastor is disgusted by the smelly homeless man.

And then upon him touching his chair, he would rather give it away. That's the question. That's the protagonist of this movie. I was like, oh, he's going to help him. Oh, no, he's fucking not. He's like, you touched my chair. Fine. Keep it. And that is it.

That is the only interaction he has with this homeless man, aside from making him pay full price for a ticket to a question answer in the entire film in pennies and nickels yeah exactly and then that's when we uh... that's when we get to meet evil barok obama uh... i'm sorry that's redundant in a christian movie isn't that's where we get to meet barok obama character who is the black banker who wants to destroy this new church or this old church so at this point in the movie my brain broke and I started telling a

completely different story like this guy is the hero and he's trying to save all of these homeless people in this neighborhood by tearing down a useless almost empty shirt. Yes, absolutely. In order to build public housing. And this white guy turns up and uses the power of racism to block this guy's community project because it's much better to have a room to go and wish for things. Yeah, exactly. That's actually the movie we were watching. That is the movie. Okay, sorry. I thought my brain i thought i know you just

accurately sold up this film i wrote he looks like baraka obama if john bainer had died of a heart attack in two thousand and three just like how's it going no great in my

hair i've just been kept up doing a lot of basketball no one's tried to stop me from running the government for eight years in a row. I smoked and I last made it. So yeah, looks so accurate. Like almost every Christian movie, this movie completely transposes good guy and bad guy. So the guy who is stated goal in the movie is to develop more public housing is the bad guy because he wants to put the public housing where this credit that can't pay its mortgage credit where credit is due he is introduced is just wanting to tear down the building so I think I'm

used to normal human movies so I'm like I get it his plots gonna be will tear down the church and build a strip be will tear down the church and build a strip club or tear down the church i mean it's better but you know something is movie trouble tear down the church and build a rape factory you know something like that but it turns out to want to build public housing which is so fucking crazy that's that's like if he was like we're tearing down the church and building a homeless shelter and everyone was like, oh no!

A homeless shelter! Gross! Yeah. What are they gonna do? They know how to do that. Homeless people, and they touch your belongings, they get to keep them. Yeah, right, right.

So, we cut to Pastor Hon honky I mean brother honky Seeing his new church and his new office and this is what we meet this very weird character Delcy oh black Jennifer Tilly Oh black Jennifer Tilly is a raspy Secretary yeah, yeah like a darker, Halle Berry with tuberculosis. And if you want something to jerk off to in this movie,

um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, oh, rock it hard. You could hang a towel on me every time this woman was on screen. She talks like a baby that has throat cancer. Yes, exactly. It's like a professional dominatrix. Like that's her other job. She's a secretary for a pasta.

And then at night she goes out and beats men's testicles with a riding ball. Oh, she must. I wrote some. I wrote because she's afraid when this character is introduced. Well, first of all, he comes in and Clayton is there again because we can't get enough of this character he says how you what's doing how you whites doing and i forgot their last name was white for a second i was like whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo and leaves. This is like a real thing. I made a note about that. I wrote down Clayton equals

food thief. Usually I'd be mad at someone for that. But if the Whites all stop to death so that this movie can end, I'll make him the biggest sandwich I can. Like a pound of faking between two loaves. Like a fucking Dagwood cartoon. Things black people do. You'll say which is out of your hands. So he goes and he meets black Jennifer Tilly. I don't know if she has a real name. First of all, she doesn't say her name clearly enough that I ever understood her name. It's like Desley or Dresley or I have no. Delsey.

Delsey. Delsey. Oh no, she whispers the entire film. I was too busy seeing furiously masturbating, but she is terrified of him She is clear of him and like you said before I think the last pastor did something terrible to her Right, this is not this is not the behavior of a shy person. I have shy friends. They're just soft-smoking They're not like When someone puts a traffic cone inside you, you end up talking this way.

Tails, you've got to make it all the way down to the bottom if you want to get home. I didn't make those character choices playing this actress And then get me her phone So then we have to go meet the uh, we have we end up going back to the church to meet Jack A who's character I have I have no idea. Is this the sexy child? No, she's the one teaching this Okay, so this is this is with this sexy child will come back at the very end of the movie But I just wrote sexy child is gonna sing so she does sexy child singing. This is a 13 year old girl. Yeah, let's let's say 15 since you've already described her as sexy so often, but yeah, probably I mean Listen to me 12. She's a sexy child. She's singing sexy child songs

She's a sexy child she's singing sexy child songs Yeah creepy Christian. Yeah pedophile grooming. There's no way they were not like hey can we sex it up a little bit If they wanted this character to be like an innocent child singing they wouldn't have her first scene be here being like I'm just The first thing she's doing. She's like, and she's like, oh, your notes are so great. They're gonna be so great for the church choir. And I was like, I don't remember the part in the Ave Maria where someone gets their fist inside themselves.

At which point we are introduced to Willie, who introduces himself to A.R. White's sexy teenage daughter. Yeah, Emma. Yes. And she wanted to hurt some dark chocolate right away. Which I thought was very strange. Listen, there is no question that if there are people over 50 who are a part of making writing or having anything to do with this movie, that they were against mixing the races at some point so this is such a strange choice my notes are so filled with don't mix the races

based on this movie no no no this is them overcompensating for that they're like no we can't come across this racist so like the actual line the dad goes to the daughter and him he goes you guys are about the same age right and then he turns away because he never actually listens to his daughter no he only ever speaks at her, like a complete awful. He is an asshole to his daughter, right? So the one is, you guys are about the same age, but what he's really saying is, you guys should fuck. You fuck my daughter. Can you fuck my daughter and film it on your phone.

And then send that file to me so that I can jerk off to, while I put my hand over her side of the screen, while I'm fucking my wife, I can just look at you, pumping and thrusting into something that looks kind of like my wife in order for me to get to the screen. So, Willie, it's like a mud hole. I don't know if you've heard this story. It's like a dirt hole.

You're doing it with gins and then it turns into a one. Listen, I don't need to tell you about fucking a mud hole. Am I right? You're black. Don't mix the races. Let's move on. By the way, I call Willie throughout this movie, Trayvon Martin. So Trayvon Martin comes out.

Wow. I'm a dude Di yellow comes up to Emma There's so many names I can use And one more thing he says he instructs Vera Vina sorry Vina that what he wants is some Rasmata's Yes, he wants some Rasmata's which is Yes, she wants some razzam attas which is Vitt what not only super duper racist, but it's a really horrible thing to watch those actors do because you can see the black actress be like Razzam attas, huh? Someone wrote down the line razzam attas

Okay Okay Craft services here we go Okay Craft services here we go Which he says listen here Wayne Newton the line that got caught out. She actually pointed at him and said listen here You nickel-black look and mother fuck up and then David our white started crying hysterically and they were like oh David We're gonna change the line. We'll change the line Blondt frosted tips look good though, right?

And everyone's like he looks so good. It looks so good. You're like a rock star, but for Jesus I'm like a rock star for Jesus. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are who's a rock star for Jesus? So then we got our first shot of him So then we get our first shot of him passing. Right. And he introduces his wife is Lily White, which we talked about that his wife's name is Lily White, which is horrifying. But I didn't, he talks about it earlier. I didn't realize that. So I wrote in my notes, my god, her name is Lily White, is the daughter's name Snow and the son name He so because then he so he's trying to preach he's not even really trying to preach

what he says when he got some stages high my name is nickel back looking mother fucker and i'm a giant fucking loser look at how much of a giant fucking loser i am that's what i hear whenever a pastor preaches though to be fair like I can do it smoothly. That's a good call. Good call. And then of course he cannot in fact get an A man. And he's trying to be his own height

man. He's trying to be his own height man, but he's so bad at talking to people on an interpersonal level. He's so bad at talking to his family and he can't preach at all like this guy has got serious communication issues. Yeah so he tries to pass and it's really bad and so he's depressed again and he goes to a diner. The silver skillet I wrote in my notes it's pretty fun here at the silver seal it right And of course at the diner we've got a bunch of thugs chill and you know like thugs do and they come over They're like what the hell's a white guy doing there?

So they go over to give him shit or rob him or whatever it is that black people do things black people do intimidating white people at diner Yeah, menacingly He is the crazy cop. They're trying to intimidate him. But all of them keep calling him officer. If they actually thought that he was a cop, they'd be the fuck out of there. More than likely, yeah. Not according to the plays.com.

I know, I read a lot of the plays.com. And it seems like black thugs like to start fights with cops. From what I've read. I've spent a lot of time on Donald Trump's fan page on Facebook and it appears to me that what happens is they like to start fights usually using their backs. They run away from them and that's then they turn around a getcha. That's when they consider you run away. You run towards them to help them. They turn around a getcha. It's a tackle. I can't describe. I'm not super good at crop McGuy yet I take classes

But I'm gonna be and that's where I'll be able to fight all the blacks I wrote my note here when they they circle around and I was like Oh This I will not be able to continue watching this movie if there's a scene where he gets the shit kicked out of him I a bunch of black guys But if he did how fast would he have his dick out like that? Oh no, they're beating me up. I hope they don't rape me.

He's just pulled his pants down and laid himself out into child's pose and they're like, hey man, what are you doing? And he's like, yeah, you're going to rape me. No, no, man. We just, we, know one is touched you yet Who pulled my pants down you did why are you wearing underwear? Oh I must have forgot cuz I'm so rapable And while he's doing this like he's actually pulling his ass tape for hot that looks like his ass is what's going on. He's just star-fishing. Yeah. At which point

were you trying to make a way better movie? Yeah at which point we are reduced we're introduced to Senyo Amawaku who was criminal in Do You Believe and in this movie is named Easy Eight. And actually let me point out this guy is acting not bad Like out of everyone in the movie this guy I actually had a little bit and maybe my brain broke again while I was watching this But it seems to me that this guy is the hero of the movie Innocence. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like this is a this is a separate movie within a movie now but like he's this main character who uh... is we find out the strange from his family and doesn't go to church and so because of that reason everyone

treats him like a criminal despite the fact that he does zero crime yeah he does zero crime in this movie seems to just watch the community and have like a neighborhood watch program that is in charge of me. This guy is the most responsible caring person in the film and all of the Christians treating like God. He has a business card too. Easy Ate has a business card which he hands to him at the end of the scene. Oh you're a record producer. Yeah. Yeah because they produce records. Also I wanted to throw this out there. It's such a white fear thing to do to make him a white to make him a record producer that's such a like a well criminals need a cover and we all know that most rap musicians are

secretly drug dealers and i write it's like you know nothing about the music industry if you had a music production conference everyone there looks like me they like money how are you right You're right, you're right. So proud to hear about die and woods die. You know it's not our word to you. You know anyways it's fantastic. Congratulations again. Amit Smiller Hium.

Yeah man I'm a record producer. Continually like he's firstly a record producer and then a businessman and it becomes extremely obvious to me that David A.R. What the the right up director of this star actor right? Director star yeah the person the photographer He's completely missed the fact that this guy is is the good guy He's a businessman who's struggling to make his record label work while it's living in a place with a slumped economy we know it as a slumped economy because of the high-high movement population and the need for for new public housing and he's just trying to get by that's what this

movie is about right but because he's black he's just assumed to be a thug in this movie and we just we just roll with that. But not just because he's black. It becomes super clear once all of the people in the church are talking shit about this guy. The reason he's looked down upon is because he left the church. Right. He was in the church. He left the church.

Now they're like, oh yeah, he's a business man. Like that's the way they say it. And you're supposed to think, okay, they mean he's a criminal. But I was actually watching this. I'm like like they're just saying that because he's trying to make it on his own without them right right uh... no this one while you've got like way deeper into this character than anyone involved in the uh... i got extremely into this capital wait until the end of the movie when i cry okay mother

tells his little brother that he's dead that he's dead that is that's a horrible because he doesn't go to church that's the one reason he's been kicked out of his family because he didn't because he doesn't go to church and he's been treated like crappney just trying to get by and we'll get to what he eventually does later but this guy has shown more honesty and integrity than any other person in the film and again i think it's worth pointing out to the people who are listening that this is actually what's happening in this movie.

This is the character that they're postulating, and they're not recognizing that that's a bad thing for the church to have done to this person. And in other words, like his story arc here, his character arc is to come back to the church so they can accept him once more. Yeah, no one ever goes, I'm sorry for telling your little brother that you were dead right yeah right oh did we miss the part

where he got punched by an abusive father oh we haven't gotten to that yeah we haven't gotten to that don't don't worry don't worry i have 85 pages of notes i wrote an anaccharininous sized novel notes about that scene and how this movie handles it. Oh my god, that was so fucked up. So yeah, basically, so Carl Winslow comes in and he goes, we believe in you person that we just met yesterday, you can do it even though we've seen no science to indicate that you have any kind of acumen for this type of job. Though, to be fair, part of church is believing in things that there's no evidence for.

So he's got no speaking ability he's got no personality he's got no intelligence he's got no substance is but yet he can believe he can believe his also about some stuff that he has no right there's this moment where he goes that is if we have time and he was talking about money, but in my notes I wrote, is that because all the blood is chapped in the bottom half of your body? Yeah, old heart can't pump anything to the top half of my body anymore. If you could squeeze me like a gloop of oomplet you buy for seven tickets at the arcade, that'd be great.

Who can hold on to Carl Winslow, from Miss Bruce Willis. We used to do sit-ups together. Are you Bruce Willis? No blood in my eyes anymore. By the way, they say they're behind on the mortgage. First of all, black people can't get bank loans for mortgages, that's ridiculous.

But if they could, things black people do fall behind on loan payments. Yes, and they created a conflict, just like in movies. Right. And now, this is where we come across the child abuser that shows up in this movie to just abuse a child without consequences? Yeah, it's the end of that. Exactly. It's abuse a child without consequences, because, it's the end of that. It's abuse a child without consequences

Because that what happens in this fucking movie Yeah, he's spills so he's shaking his son and yelling at him and Then first of all this actor is the worst actor in the film There's a lot of bad acting in the movie, but he reads his lines like there are cue cards written on David A.R. White's eyelids. Hey man stop plinking so much you don't tell me who to do that don't know do that so then he's like don't hit your kid hit me so he punches him in the face and like this is one of the times in the movie where like there is a little bit of like

reflection afterwards and so he's just sitting down with like a punched face and he's like yeah no no that's that's right I should just ignore the other characters like what are you doing dude. Sorry my bad. Let people hit their kids. Have you read the Bible man? Yeah. None of your business, bro. Was he using a stick bigger than his thumb? Is that what's going on?

Was he not hitting him hard enough? Were you like giving him wrist advice because you got a You got to flick your wrist out that's it You know as long as the kid recovers within 48 hours He's good. He's good. According to Deuteronomy And if we if you think we're ever gonna go back to that child that's being abused really never gonna talk about child abuse in this movie again we're gonna talk a lot about mortgage law not so much about child abuse yeah we're gonna just kind of leave that one hang in open so uh... yes so they're

trying to figure out what they can do it to to to um... fix or to saw to save the church and i love that they have the sort of this discussion about how much they all and how much they make and everything like that and i i just started i just wrote in here is just like just let's add banks to the list of things this movie doesn't understand right yeah exactly well we've got a we've got a mortgage which means that once a month we have to put all the money in a bucket and then they cut them and they send a horse which eats all of it.

But if it doesn't poop out four pounds of money poop, then we're going to go under. They're going to take the building. It would smell. So, yeah. So they go to a skinny all-state guy to see if maybe they'll extend the loan or or renegotiate but he uh... won't because you know the last thing banks want is to resolve financial problem

i wrote juice fast trevor no it doesn't want to doesn't want to help the church he wants to help the people who go to the church what he's right yes correct so he basically bad Barack Obama says well, we're gonna do it anyways at which point A melting pile of snow cone Explains that the churches go fuck yourself go fuck yourself blah blah blah

Well, he says I'm tired of talking. I'm like you were at a meeting with a banker. What did you expect? Aino? I was expecting that you would just be like fine you don't ever have to pay your mortgage that's how margaret red stamp uh... so brother honky comes up with the brilliant idea that they can save the church if they have a concert but first we've got to get to the uh... to the bill your showdown because of how many times did he sink the Red Ball? Yeah, this is...

Because I think he only sunk Red Balls. Like, what game were they playing where he keeps sinking a Red Ball and then pulling it out of the pockets and putting it somewhere else on the table and then sinking it again? So, like, it's a game that he made up. That's the only reason that he won. He's like, would you like to play a game of pool as to whether you stay in town or whether I help you out? And he's like, yeah, but the game we're gonna play

is called Fiddly Waddle of Wows. And what we do is sink red balls. Woohoo! Yeah, these people have never been inside a bar or seen a pool table once in their life. Like to get into the bar, you have to climb over the pool table first of all and right I think it's because they're terrified of real bars that the shoot the scene inside a storage unit which did for several other scenes and let me point out this is one of those scenes where he's drinking water going

Yeah, I like water. Very, so good. Also, he's supposed to have swept the table, which is a thing that you can do in pool if you're playing with someone who doesn't know how to play. But they do it in this movie again, where he hits, not only does he hit the red ball twice, he hits the red ball twice, which is even numbered, if you know anything about pool,

then he hits two odd numbers, then he sinks the um eight ball while there are still even numbers and odd numbers on the table and so I know I did this is what I'm saying he's playing tinnily riddellitions which is a entirely made up game and that's the only reason he won and this black guy is easy eight is playing along because it's like oh this guy's mentally handicapped. Oh I'm really sorry for the way that I've been doing early. Yeah I better I better be nice to him I suppose. Well I also want to point out just how fucking

bad at pool was this actor because like okay every shot that they show him making while he's running the table the ball is like hanging halfway off the fucking. It's already in the pocket. Basically but still they the fucking it's already in the pocket basically but still they don't use him to make the shots they're still using someone else they don't actually show except for once him making a shot and they're all these like ridiculously easy shots and and that short way he made the short he's so sweaty you know that this is the 50 of right right there's an actual there's an actual action shot where where the cue balls not involved in a shot he makes this is the cue ball

sitting still on the table during the shot and he's doing something else it no i'd never been it like the raxon octagon they had never seen a pool table yeah this this is like when you watch people play chess on tv and then they get the the two move checkmate it's like yeah checkmate really how did the he moved his king off the table to get up and leave this where the horse moves toward eight spaces check cring kingmate except except in that game that you're proposing Eli he doesn't go and grind up against the other player at one point. He's just trying to convince him to rip him again.

Maybe you're right, me. Maybe I beat you so bad at poor that you're right, me. He walks up until his chest is touching this other guy, and then he puts the stick behind his back, and then he pushes his pelvis forward into that other guy and takes a shot behind his back and then he pushes his pelvis forward into that other guy and takes a shot behind his back. And I'm like, what the fuck am I watching? So now I guess we should mention that the reason that they're locked in this pooled battle to the death is because he wants easy eight to get some famous people to come

do a free concert for his concert for his uh... church to say the church and this is how they're going to settle it like if he wins at pool then easy eight the is gonna go find famous people for him and of course he wins at pool and then celebrates with a nice tall glass of h two oh there's also a weird moment where he i just at the beginning where he's trying to challenge them to pool where he goes ah Pool was a great way to relax during the ecclesiology and Astasology Sections and I'd beat the brothers and everyone's like, oh, and he goes oh no

I mean like the other people at my I didn't beat African-American people Brother with an a white why did we keep this line in the movie this is kine walker i'm the director and also i just want to point out watch the extras in the scene there are some men in this movie who are terrifyingly fat terab i'm not a small dude, but there are people in this movie

that you're just like, I don't know how you did that. That seems like a challenge. It seems harder than exercise for them to be as fat as they are in this film. I think that they got extras for this film by going down to the Diabetes Ward and offering candy as pain. So I got the distinct impression they paid everyone

involved in this movie with indulgences. So now you know because easy eight has so much respect for his billiard skills, their friends and he invites him over for dinner. Oh, I feel sorry for a man who's mentally handicapped. Yeah, it's one of the other. Right. And he has this great moment where he goes, why don't you come over to my crib, place, home, and I was just like, is he gonna drop an N-bomb my ex? That's what it looked like, he was just about to be like, oh my God, I'm sorry, not my work, not my work, I should have known, I just were playing pool,

I got really excited. So this is when they finally discover that this big star, that no one, that they, like when they wrote the movie, they even recognized that no one watching this movie would know who the fuck this dude was. But the big celebrity that EZ8 Scott Form is BB Winons, who is apparently a Grammy winning gospel.

Yeah, Grammy winners, they're like, we're talking Grammy winners here, and I was like, yeah, gospel Grammy winners. What's the blood? Exactly. They have their own category. Yeah, I was gonna say. There's ever a podcast award for most masterbations

in a single afternoon. I'm gonna sweep it, but it doesn't mean that. It's not an achievement. It's just, they made a thing for me. And the award for Guides named Eli goes to. Eli. No, good boy! So now we go back to the shitty apartment where everybody's unhappy and sweaty.

And I do want to say the sweaty daughter was the best part of this movie. Oh yeah, yeah once, yeah once. Yet another part of the movie Eli jacked up. Yes exactly. And so basically they have for the eighth time in this movie the I'm incredibly unhappy Go fuck yourself conversation where she's like please let me leave. I'm unhappy and he's like go fuck yourself Or go fuck Amadou Diallo do whatever Go fuck Michael Brown. Who's that guy in Philadelphia who's shot in through a taser on two go have sex with him?

I don't care. I'm your dad. Bye. Well, and they basically do that too because the mom comes in and I guess the air conditioners busted or whatever and everybody's sweaty and mom's like, oh well, you know, we're sweaty anyways. We might as well fuck. And so they send their sweaty attractive defense defenseless teenage daughter out into the streets of a low-income neighborhood in Atlanta all by herself right exactly there's a great line where she goes i thought we were important and i wrote my notes why why did you think that about the behavior of this character is made you feel important

no evidence from your entire life would ever lead you to that assumption uh... at which point we get a conversation between willy and the daughter where willy learns will Willie never met his dad His brother is dead. No, he's not and his mom. I was just like I wrote in her notes His mom got eaten by bears. He's causing a Attacked by a mailbox like it's just the classic races like I'm a young black man without a support structure That's what that scene could have been just right right I lack a support structure cut I get to call cut great now David's gonna be crying again at which point

It her response to like his life being really tragic and filled with huge problems is yeah, I miss like the mall Get right And the dude's phone keeps dinging the entire time because the dad sending them text messages are you fucking my daughter yet are you fucking my daughter yet exactly so now we get to the bribery scene yes exactly so apparently the evil black man has heard about the concert and he's quite displeased because the last thing he wants is his ten thousand dollars that's owed to him. So instead he's buying a family of four tickets anywhere they want to go in the world. He's going to make so much money by tearing that down and turning it into government supported housing instead. What a great plan. Well, but then like Nick was saying, the his

solution is to then offer what seems to me far more than $10,000 worth of shit for them to leave. Yeah, he says, here are plain tickets to anywhere, which doesn't exist. Yeah, I said, no money to set yourself up when you get there. So basically, he's got an envelope that's got plain tickets to anywhere and $3 million? What do you mean? Set yourself up where you get there. When you relocate your life and are never heard from again, that's not like 20 grand.

Right. Yeah, certainly more than a zoo, I would think. Yeah, but this guy, like he really passionately believes that this neighborhood needs more community housing because of the extreme homelessness problem. This guy's brother became homeless, got hooked on drugs and died and now he's dedicating his life doing whatever it takes to make sure that this problem gets solved in the only block of property that's close enough for him to do this is right where that church is

and he'll spend any amount of money to make sure That he's able to make sure that those homeless people have somewhere to live that evil bastard that evil son of a bitch To which the main character says oh really how much does a man's soul go for these days? Yeah, it's like you're the one who buys and sells imaginary shit You tell me exactly I wanted that character so badly to be like Oh, um souls aren't real this That's not a thing. I was I was offering you a bribe for you to do something real. Oh, I'll tell you what I'll cast a spell on you and now you have to go

Bibbini Bobbini boo is that work? There you go now you scared. Oh David thought it was real cut David's trying to burn me again guys. I said we had to cut that line Expect up a trow them And then we go we cut in and check out easy eights bar Which again looks like you Google translated a description of a bar from Taiwanese into English and that's what they went with. Bottles glasses people drink! At which point a Barack Obama and EZ8 have a shot of cognac to finish off an ego bargain which that just for for those who don't drink a shot of cognac to like seal a deal is like them being like so. It's a greed.

Well why don't we split this souffle? Mmm. Good thing it didn't fall. Let's eat this wedding cake and agree on it. Mmm. Mmm. And by the way, they take an entire snifter as a should. The guy take a snifter full

It's like a pint of meat cognac in a snifter and he takes a single shot Even guy. Yeah, I can take it. Just hire one person who's been to a bar for 20 minutes to consult on this movie Right. Exactly. Oh no, the rest of this movie would be that character throwing up into a bucket Oh, I want a realistic shot of that where someone drinks that much cognac in the movie and they're just like why would I drink that much cognac at what's or even if it is a good cognac like I got given a bowl of VSOP and it was lovely but like if I drank that much yeah cereal bowl like a little bit wrong yeah the next scene is him jerking off into a urinal in the bathroom

being like she loves it she loves it I work at a bank all day I'm the one who did that stuff to Tezzi you know she has normal voice until I got her however. So, and by the people deal that they're sealing with the bucket of cognac is that easy eight is supposed to steal the money once they have this concert with big old BB winons, who apparently knows just random drug dealers in Atlanta, which is interesting. Yeah, well listen, let's not BB one and came in shiny. There's no way that BB one and didn't sniff his way to the beginning to the end of all his lines. Just line a line on one side of the script and I'll learn my lines by the time I'm done with him. Sometimes we have it. And this is where we have the, uh, Dezzi gets to wear clothes,

so she'll be free like a housewife, house elf montage. Holy shit, this is weird. We've already brought this up several times, but I'm like, I, there, there is no way that this could have seemed more like the setup to lesbian porn. Yeah, she actually does the basic,

instinct leg cross thing to start it first of all. Yeah. Yeah. And then doesn't fuck Lily White. Just absolutely sucked. Well, she made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She made it. She give she gives her a makeover and it looks terrible this is a lovely actress she looks fine but we basically what they did is they like shot her in the face with a rouge gun and they were like there you go pretty princess and she was like I don't know am I supposed to be bright pink yes white women and black women wear the same makeup here you go yeah right right and so here's it like so now we've already had the scene where the white man teachers are how to speak, and now the white woman is gonna teach her how to dress.

Anyway, and now- Now we're gonna teach her how to love. Yeah, exactly, that's really what was supposed to happen in this scene and it didn't. So, baby shows up. Yeah, so then baby shows up, but there's no CC, which is apparently gonna cause a riot in Cat Town or something. Yeah, I wrote in my note, baby without CC, gonna be bad, bad. no cc which is apparently gonna cause it a riot in cat town or something

yeah i wrote in my note baby without cc gonna be bad bad yeah exactly uh... and then of course they've suddenly realized that the uh... sexy teenager that they sent all sweaty out into the ghetto by yourself is nowhere to be found all i'm so surprised is neglected and sheltered to the point of abuse daughter ran away right water shock at which point

Easy eight uses his neighborhood watch which has one white guy by the way I love that he uses his neighborhood watch. He's like I need a white girl. I want her alive And skinny duck Benson is like oh, I got one I got one And skinny duck Benson is like, oh I got one, I got one. I found one. There's also a very weird moment in this movie. So, when he's before Easy Findser, Vina, who it turns out is his mother, we don't know this, goes, find my boy.

That's his little brother. So, this is an incredibly fucked up scene because not only is she reaffirming to him that he is not her son, but like, find my boy. It's just a very like on revisiting the movie and understanding that he is this woman's son and that she's talking to go up to someone and say, find my son is an incredibly cold and horrifying moment. And again, this movie will never address it. Now, this movie will never, ever address it.

It's like if at the end of Chinatown, just Jack Nicholson was like, I don't know, she seemed to get along with her dad pretty well. Anyways, don't you know? Oh, that's what this is. Oh, that's what this is. Let the right one in.

So that older man just lets you stay with him. Yeah, I don't know. He seemed nice. Burned himself with lantern oil forming. No. No, unfortunately because of the frenetic psychotic pacing of this movie, it's not actually possible to take an act three break like we normally do because shit just randomly happens in this movie without respect to linear narrative. So there's kind of no point where one part of the movie ends and another begins, but based solely on the runtime, I'm going to say that this is where Act Three

starts because damn it, I need to break one way or the other. But before we go, I've got to give the final third of the movie the hard sell. So here we go. Well, Clayton Mudder, a single line that doesn't make racially sensitive people cringe. Will the dawner be found naked, mutilated, and lying in a dumpster 40 miles south of the city in the following morning? Well, valuable real estate needed to house the swelling population of unemployed single mothers continued to be wasted in a room dedicated to wishing out loud to imaginary people. Find out the answers to these questions and less when we return for the remaining pre-credit portion of Brother White. Senuwa Moaku has appeared in several of the films that we've reviewed and we

couldn't help but notice that the dude never has a name. Well, upon further examination, the problem is much more widespread than we thought. This guy never has a name. So, as a means of demonstrating that fact, I would like to read a selection of Senu Amouaku's IMDB page. guy criminal with a K jumbo bouncer bouncer bouncer comedy club bouncer minion tall pirate smoke gang banger scary guy number two gang banging racial anarchist because all rules need an exception Because all rules didn't exception Reggie you got one name. I get get with me, Senu I'll name you Dave. I'll write a script just so I can name you Dave I'm crazy Randy down here at hats hats hats Are you a racist caricature in a Christian movie? Well come on down

We got all the hats you could possibly ask for we got tiny little Bellboy hats You look like a 1920s Bellboy not a Bellboy in the movie does not matter 1999 how about a cabbie hat it's a little hat goes on the top of your head You can use it whenever you drive doesn't matter if your character's actually a cabbie We got a hat for you and now if you ask now we got a big wide brim straw hat for Absolutely free you can put a little piece of straw on your teeth and some chewing tobacco in your lip and you can say Howdy, master, master! I don't know if it'll have anything to do with your movie but the people on set will love it. I'm crazy Randy, you come on down today. We got 599 cabbie hats, 1999 Bellboy hats and if you buy both you're getting the straw hat for free because I'm going crazy!

and if you buy both you get in the straw had for free because i'm going crazy and we're back for reasons the greatest minds in psychology can't fully account for when we left off one scene was ending in another one was starting because dammit that's about all this movie gives a person to work with i believe this was about the time though that the concert began and and i want to point out about this concert okay so this church that we've seen it can fit maybe if you packed it wall to wall about fifty people you think right now if you're being super generous they need to raise ten thousand dollars

in one night what the fuck is the ticket price for this that oh five thousand dollars and so they're off by an order of magnitude very literally it's what he does is change they're going to shake out of a homeless person. Right. Yeah, I got to point this out. Okay, so yeah, the homeless guy that we saw earlier that fucked the chair up by touching it with his disgusting homelessness

has brought a Ziploc bag full of pennies and nickels. And they actually take his pennies and nickels rather than just let the poor guy into the fucking right because he's like I don't know man. Should we count these pennies and nickels right and he's he is like no man I'm a good guy take his pennies and nickels and then let him and I'm sure it's probably close to 20 bucks When we're gonna do By the way, I had not heard this man's music But this man's music is made exclusively for fucking two women's at once.

So this is not music of a religious nature. It didn't, I certainly didn't seem like it. It was the best part of the movie, but I also want to point out that Jackie is such a good pianist that she starts making drums and woodwinds come out of the goddamn thing in the middle of the song. So there's a whole fucking band playing. That's what she was tuning up. She was tuning the Charlie Browns, guys, at most pre-octives.

And of course, the music is so good that everyone in the theater is swaying except for the white girl. Yeah, exactly. Who's held perfectly still? Yeah, exactly. I run my notes. The white people hate this music so much. No, no, no. If you're talking about Lily White, she was just imagining what

her and her black friend were up to a minute earlier, like right before they walked out into this church service, she was like, her head, her mind is still where her head was a second ago, pressed up against that black girl's crotch, the secretary. Yeah, right, right. I certainly want that to be so see i just assume that they actually had her swing but she's so white that she was off time and they eventually they were just like you know what fuck it just act like you're not having a new or just hold still just hold still okay you can do that for takes forty four takes

you don't know what you've got the black secretary again so then we uh again. So then we get onto Emma who is apparently running away, so she went to the bus station. Right. Went to the bus station, because earlier in the movie, Willie has said, why don't you just take a bus back to LA from Atlanta, Georgia? And she was like, sure, I don't know how buses work. You're right, that can't be more than that. All buses go everywhere, ever. That's not a seven day trip. Yeah, right. That can't be more than go everywhere ever. That's not a seven day trip. Yeah, right?

So then the dad comes and finds her at the bus station and she's like, come on You got to come back and she's like you've been treating me like shit this whole movie Why do you care? And he's like I do all the sudden for some reason who knows come here? So he picks up the daughter didn't say sorry for treating her like shit. She apologized No, no, you know being a sorry for treating her like shit. She apologized for being a human being, and he was like, well, stop it, your property. Back to the concert.

So we go back to the concert where Kenny is sitting in his office with the briefcase of money. Now, just for a plot point here, and again, the plot of this doesn't matter, but. Well, I also want to point out, because nobody knows who can you see it easy it's real name is canning easy it's not murdered son name is canning that's that's his right here

being murdered by his mom's hatred his non-slave name yeah and like he's sitting there and i think that in the movie that the director was like okay so you have to be conflicted about stealing money because you're a black piece of shit and uh... but like in my mind that second movie that's running where this guy is the good guy he's like that never occurred to him he's sitting there thinking about his little brother and his dead dad he's looking at yeah office that was his dead dad he's just sitting there in the guys like hey man you're gonna steal that money what no

is a no I'm gonna cut to him because he's a good person. Oh I'd like next movie so much more Yeah, where you just like how fucking insulting all right Are you gonna keep running easy ain't because running you don't always get two out of three in life? What are you talking about I gathered all this money. I got you the artist. I should get a percentage of this money and instead I'm giving it all to you. All right, we're a Christian now so you can have your name back But the white man can save you eat

This is a very important distinction this guy has been living his life trying to make his business work Trying to you know just trying to get by while Christians keep periodically cropping up in his life and shooting all over it And the only reason that he's decided to stick around this time is because his little brother is getting to about the age Where if he took him away from his abusive mother she couldn't get him back legally So he's come back into their lives and he's helping out because he's not a shitty person, but he's doing it all so that he can let his little brother know that he's alive and hopefully get him the fuck out of that shitty place. See now that's the happy alternative version of this movie, but what's actually happening

is that fucking Akuntikinte is realizing that if you just call himself to be everyone will be happy and you'll get to go to heaven you're right yet exactly at which point uh... air white comes in and convince us him not to steal the money gives him his name back yeah so because cc isn't there which is a plot point of the movie but is weird because it seems like they wanted BB and CC

and it's weird he goes oh here's our new pastor pastor James white so they have this moment where it's very clearly this is his big moment to preach except for instead of that he just tells people that CC's not gonna be there and they start throwing chairs and setting shit on fire right exactly they react like everybody in the Nicholas cage left behind. They're like, no, see, say, murder! Also, you already have the ticket money. It doesn't matter. People won't be happy, but you've got the money. Right. They don't get a refund. We want our money back. No. Alright.

But luckily he figures out a solution and his solution is to grab that poor little sexy Asian girl from earlier in the movie without asking her permission Without giving her a chance to warm up or practice with the band or anything and say you know who can sing is that girl and Briggs and we know because she is sung one note Yeah, one note Let me point out as well that his his public speaking has not improved He is still fucking terrible in front of people when he's he cannot speak to anyone ever

Even when he's winning he's in his victory moment And they're like hey, you've just called off doing the thing that you've been setting out to do all along Maybe you won't be such a loser and he gets up and he's like oh Just wanted to remind you all that I'm a loser still and here's a sexy 12-year-old. And I've got to I just want to point out as a performer that that is like such an extraordinarily rude fucking thing to do to a person just they're sitting in the audience and you've just got to keep my like they're making money off of this they're taking money off of this and then they're just like oh this random girl who had no idea she was gonna perform She's get she's gonna come up, but she's nice So she decides to come up and sing anyway or

Yeah, if someone was just like oh looks like CC's not here So Eli's gonna do some magic for us. I'd be like go fuck yourself. I don't have any of my stuff. Yeah, right right exactly Come on get up here and do some come on I'd be like nope go fuck yourself I get paid to do that assholes actual magic yeah so can you do the whole water into one thing no I remember what happens the last time a Jew did that shit for you hey sensitive hands so and as if that's not rude enough, now we've got the little girl up there singing,

she's not singing by the way, she's lip-syncing and it's really not very good. Oh, everyone's singing is AD art. Yes, especially Kenning slash easy-8s. Keysy-8s voice and lines are so AD art, it might as well be my voice. It's brutal, like three seconds behind you. And like two notes in, and he's just had a bucket of horse

sweat dumped onto his head. Yeah. Well, that's sort of the theme of the movie. It's probably that vaginal mist. Oh, yeah, because now the secretary's in the same room as the wife again. Yeah, exactly. So the little girl singing, now, easy eight,

he's standing in the back of the church. And the obvious thing was supposed to happen in this movie or what seemed like it was going to happen. right so so the little girl singing now easy eight he's standing in the back of the church and the obvious thing was supposed to happen in this movie or what seemed like it was going to happen he's a record producer she's a singer now he's going to sign the little girl they're going to get famous but instead the movie doesn't think of that instead he just busts into the back of the church and start singing as loud as he can singing along with the girl and I'm thinking well that was rude and it's my turn to sing now it's my turn to say I wish he couldn't sing and he'd still busted it and just been like it's just gotten really quiet and you're like fuck you off stole your money

credits so then we cut to the orange Jew comes in and he's like, hey, you did a good job because so the guy from persecuted Kingman Has said hey, you know what? Let's give him another chance or go down there and check on him and if he's doing well then he gets to be a bad Master of church. Yeah, exactly So orange juice impressed by the concert so he's like yeah, you can come back to LA You don't have to be around black people anymore at which point we have this weird like uh...

are you gonna leave moment yeah so now he wants to go back home to l.a. to be a uh... mega-pastor uh... and and all of the black people are sad because without a white person they're helpless and uh... so they they want the magic white man to stay and show them the way. Right. And like during this whole scene, he just looks so bored. He looks as bored as I am watching and looking bored. Right. So then they they have this moment where he comes into church and it's emptying. He goes, where is everybody? And the sentient, you knowient splurge comes out and he's like,

they're waiting for their pastor to greet them. And outside the church, there are millions of people in line waiting to go to church. Well, but you don't see more than like six of them at a time. So you could tell that like the person at the front of the line was running behind the camera and then just getting in the back as they went down. Yeah, it's like a North Korean or a German Nazi tank parade.

Yes, I don't know. I think that tank is familiar. No, it's such a totally different one. Get in here. You're the first person that can't hardly now. You're wearing a hat and a fake moustache. Oh, no, that's not a big deal. Totally different back. That's someone else.

I also like to, uh, Reginald Vel Johnson comes in and he tells this story um, about a poor man, Fisherman on a beach or whatever, but what he basically does is he completely fucks up the cab driver fallacy, so he's giving him like the worst possible illogical advice that you could give a person. Right, it's been, the moral of his story is hard work prevents you from enjoying your life. Right, right.

So whatever you do, slack off. And that's clearly his just dietary advice as well. Right. I wanted so bad for him to be like, and then the businessman said, but what if there's a day when you don't catch enough fish? And the fisherman said, fuck, good point. I better get up to get some fish. I'm gonna go get some more fish because saving is, oh this is why we lost the church. Yeah.

Oh. Got to save money. This is a bad story. I shouldn't use it anymore. All of my notes for the rest of the movie are just like noises and actions like a... vomit. Punchgh. Mm. Moments. Ergh. Punch self in face.

Sorry. Yeah, mine got there, but it took one more moment to get there because it was the moment where we revisit the child abuser. Yeah, I wrote in my notes. Remember me, I beat you and my child. I'm in church now. Call child services, no?

No, no. No, all right I'm just gonna we're just gonna now you're okay because you're in church at this point good to see you Yeah, and and they showed the only husband wife kiss of the movie at the end and he almost threw up in her mouth Yeah, he's like Mm-hmm like when you're trying to when your grandma has a beard and you're trying to kiss her cheek without feeling it, you're like, I love you, grandma, I'm not, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my balls. I don't think I'm okay. I don't think I'm okay. So this is also the point in the movie where the movie decides to reveal to you that Jack A was easy eights mom the whole time. And, you know, of course, we've been talking about that throughout the movie, but when it first hit you, when you first realized that, like all of a sudden you realized, oh,

wow, this movie just became so much darker and more horrible. So that's what reduced me to Anumonapia. Yeah, exactly. The child abuse and then, oh, by the way, one of the characters in this movie, who we like and is a protagonist abandoned her son yeah yeah exactly exactly because he wasn't Christian enough and then he comes up to the uh to the thing and this is where it like he's okay the whole movie has been about how he wants to be a pastor wants to be a pastor apparently he never practices pasting because

he's fucking terrible at it so it gives his little sermon about how sometimes God only whispers And I wrote down because God is a hateful enigmatic dick tumor. Why wouldn't he just speak out loud? Right exactly. I heard the voice of God in a little girl last night and in my notes I wrote a sexy sexy little girl And and easy-hates in the audience with his arm around his little brother and his mom like looks at him like during this whole thing and Like the look that he gives his mum is like you look away and I'm taking him and But also okay, so the leading up to this bit the conflict was of course is David A.R. Waits character gonna stay here in Atlanta Or is he gonna go back to LA? He hasn't quite decided so he's gonna make his decision on stage right so he he comes

up and he's doing a stupid sermon and he says and and I'd like to say that I want to and then he looks over at his wife and he realizes oh my god I almost didn't speak for her on her behalf without discussing it earlier what a terrible Christian that would make me. So then he corrects himself we would like to stay here with you guys his wife is so happy because he's like more black vagina Daisy just ends up like we did it any and they have a long hug and a kiss and then they just slowly lie each other down on the floor of the church They just slowly lie each other down on the floor of the church Hey, sorry, I got distracted some about we still watching left behind I can't stop having night terrors and But but the movie ends and it's like it's trying to get us out of the theater or whatever quick before we realized that the script never actually resolved anything

Right because brother Crick gypsy still doesn't know how to be a pastor or stand up correctly The daughter still hates living in the hood. Delsie hasn't worked through her PTSD or whatever, but most importantly All they did was paid back mortgage. They're still they still don't have enough money coming And so like his BB winens just gonna show up every eight months or so to do another benefit Yeah, I mean that's his community service. Oh gosh I throw the cocaine charges. Yeah, yeah exactly community service. Oh gosh. For all the cocaine charges. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

All right. So Nick, as you're aware, we like to avoid how many stars type of rating systems here because none of the movies we review ever deserve any stars. So in an effort to get a sense of your overall impression of this film, I want to offer you a three-part question here. If this movie was a bodily secretion, A, what secretion would it be, B, what would be the consistency of that secretion? And C,

what would it be secreting on to? Okay, if this movie was a bodily secretion, it would be period blood, it would be chunky, and it would be secreting itself into my mouth where I would be forced to gargle it, and I would enjoy doing that more than I would enjoy watching this film. I knew it was going to be menstrual blood, and blood and he I have a similar question for you, but not exactly the same. If this movie was a burrowing parasite, a, what would it burrow into, b, what would it use to burrow and c, what would it do once it was there? I guess it would be, you know, one of those spiders that, like, burrows and nests in your ear.

Uh-huh. And once it gets there, it makes horribly racist movies. Just, just reads me screenplays by the Kendrick's brothers really loud. Shouting at the camera. Kendrick's spider. Constantly. Yeah, there you go. They all smell different.

Heath, you know it, and I know it. I'm just saying, watch this video I found on the internet Read this section of color of crime And finally Eli why the fuck do we keep doing this man? I don't know I think it's I mean based on the movies that I've seen It's because we're so mad and all we need is someone to be like hey Sunsets and then both you and I'll be like you're, sunsets. And then both of you and I will be like, you're right, sunsets. And then next week it'll be, God awful, not movies or whatever. I don't know. Christian.

Yeah. Too many hugs as kids. I'm so much more. Too much book. Too many books. Must have been it. All right, well, Nick, you made it all the way through a certain with a couple of therapy sessions.

You should be back to normal, as opposed to congratulations are in order. So congratulations. Well, thank you very much. And if our audience just can't get enough of your sexy, moustache, or brilliance, where might they go to find some more? Okay, you can find me on Twitter at Nick Morgan Moore, that's my name. You can also find my YouTube channel.

It's called Nick Morgan Moore, that's my name. And my Facebook comedian page, Nick Morgan Moore, that's my name. Other Facebook comedian page Nick Morgan more. That's my name other podcasts. I appear regularly on I am a regular contributor on the imaginary friends show don't comb podcast and I'm also one of the voice Acti righty peoples on the atheist apocalypse available on iTunes. I play a gentleman by the name of Kelly Mothersie who loves drugs almost as much as I not saying how much I love drugs in real life. And yeah, if you are in Montgomery, Alabama, search my social medias to find out where I'm going to be doing gigs, they'll be here for a couple months. Awesome. Awesome. And of course, we'll have that all linked on the show notes for this

episode. And while that's going to do it for our review of Brother White, that's not going to do it for the episode quite yet, because we still need to get you excited about next week's show. But so before we wrap it up, we're going to take a few minutes for a quick preview review. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Catching Faith. Our first sports movie. Very exciting. But not our last, if you saw our in-house list. you know how many fucking football teams go Christian movies you ever had of us. Yeah and I'm gonna have a lot of fun with this because I'm gonna make a lot of like really inside football jokes that he's gonna crack up at and you're not gonna get it'll be it'll be really fun and I've got to say like I'm getting the impression because I feel like this this movie

brother white the one that we just reviewed was the worst one that we've seen since Miracle man You know that like it's the lowest quality movie I get the feeling like catching faith is gonna slide in under that bar. Yeah, I mean point and they booked an involve So yeah, there's some budget behind this when you when you have to settle for the least funny member of the blue collar Combin that'll for the least funny member of the blue collar com right? No, it's a problem. Good side.

Sorry, we couldn't get Fox where they couldn't get Fox where they there's a days in somewhere having a luncheon. I just can't, can't get away. All right, let's get angle. What about the guy Tater-Sout? No, turns out he's a real comedian. Oh, how terrible. That's so sad.

It's so sad that that guy's associated with that. Yeah, horrible, sure. So this movie appears to be, from the preview at least, it appears to be about a woman who's in a who's the most Christian book club, whose son gets caught drinking alcohol as a member of the high school football team. And the conflict of the movie is about whether or not

he should be a snitch. Right. Yeah. And I think the that's it. I think this movie is supposed to say, yeah, you're supposed to be a snitch. But I also want to point out this is true. I timed this. They say the word God seven times in a two minute and foursecond preview. That's once every 18 seconds. Think about that for a second. And not in the way you'd think. It's not like praise God. It's always like, it's OK to be mad at God.

God, get your shoes on. We're going to the store. It feels very pushed in. I feel like this preview was meant to be shown at churches so that everyone would be like, OK, don't worry. It's a God movie. You're gonna see footballs and people and faces. Possibly believe me.

Right, you'd be worried that there wasn't a foot. Also, you can already tell how little everyone in this movie is gonna know about alcohol, because the one shot of beer they have is like 95% foam in a clear, in a clear solo cup. Just like, yeah, this is how kids binge drink. Hey, man, you want a Roman Coke? Let's get hardcore. I don't think you can see any keg stands in this one. I also want to point out, and this could be, you know, I don't know, but in the

preview, you actually see only one football scene. And there are like 11 people in the stands at this high school stadium Just like spattered throughout it and like four people on the football field. Yeah, right Yeah, it's not a football game. They're playing rugby And getting an American rugby audience too slightly smaller than the Christian movie audience slightly smaller than the Christian movie audience. Yeah, right. So with all that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode seven to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to Nick Morgan, more of the imaginary friend show and good advice

for hanging out with us tonight. I also need to give a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. That's patreon.com slash god awful. If you do that, you get early access to every episode and you can extend the editions of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Scaning Atheist and the Skeptocrat available on iTunes, Stitcher,

and Wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God AwfulMovies at Gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil, Jurafsan Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here, here, by following the links on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, and Eli Bosnick. I'm No Illusions, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week and tell them we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you, you stupid motherfucker.

Three comic book nerds like you and me Nick in the audience right now are like I totally agree. Everyone else is like Hank Pimp. Is there a Pimp in the Marvel Universe? Like he has hose? Oh that's fun. I read saga so I'm actually super into comic books. Go fuck yourself with saga. Go fuck yourself with saga. It's bad art and it super into comic books go fuck yourself with saga go fuck yourself with saga It's bad art and it's bad story go fuck yourself Fuck you. You read Lock and King you read Lock and King and preacher the end of Populous comic book shit let's explain everybody. Oh, here's your You're just bull-dead comic books. Oh, you know you're a bull-dead.

Here's your time for you to have a comic book. I know you're 50 pages at a time. If don't worry, you won't have to follow anybody. If you're not a bodyweight, if not, I'm a fatman. Who are you fatman? And it's dead-made. That's not the problem.