God Awful Movies - 71: GAM071 Apocalypse 4: Judgement

Episode Date: December 27, 2016

This week, Andrew Torrez of the Opening Arguments Podcast joins us to break down the court room drama that caps off our four movie-trilogy. Listen as we desperately try to decipher the post-rapture legal system, as well as the English translation of whatever the hell Mr. T is saying. To get tickets to our live show in Chicago on January 13th (guest starring Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance), go here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-with-cognitive-dissonance-tickets-29713113723 If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

So, and then, of course, if you've been waiting this whole time to get Corbin Bernson and Mr. T and Arum together, wait no more, because this is when the two of them are going to mean, and Mr. T has pissed that he hasn't used the tape of the guy accusing the OME of being evil as evidence in the trial. Yeah, that don't take legal advice from Mr. T. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be And he thent right heath, welcome back. Thank you, Noah. You know who's a bad actor? Mr. T. Yes, yes. And just epic, epic ways.

And so the 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig, Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm good, Noah. Ready to do a moment review. Do it, Noah. Do it, go. Hypnum, get a fat and boo. I'd say that was your one, but it's pretty much hopeless.

And sitting 231 miles to my south is our guest massacres today, Andrew Torres. Andrew is a Harvard educated lawyer, the co-host of the opening arguments podcast and a notorious armature debate or Andrew. Welcome to God Offal Movie, sir. Thanks for having me, no? And we're really excited because we're

watching a courtroom drama this week and we wanted a legal expert to help us like rip into the really lawyerly parts which as it turns out is kind of like inviting an astrophysicist on the show to determine the scientific accuracy of the cow jumping over the moon. So what do you think? Are you up to the challenge? Yeah, well I have a large glass of scotch and an even larger bottle next to it, so ready to go! And as we learn in this movie, that is a big part of being a lawyer is just having scotch at the ready. See, that's 100% accurate, but very realistic movie. So tell us, Heath, what courtroom drama will we be breaking down today?

All right, we watched Apocalypse Four judgment. And nothing I might say here is better than the actual tagline. So please, please, here it is, is the Supreme Court versus the Supreme B trial begin. And unlike the firm and Miracle on 34th Street, this one is very accurate when it comes to the deal. Forklift room stuff. It's a, uh, Lod-Bull movie.

Very good. Andrew, give me back me up on that. There you go. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love legal dramas, but you hate that they don't feel like you just took three tabs of acid You will love this movie. It's the firm for the mentally in firm All right, I should mention to the to the audience that over on opening arguments every month for their patrons Thomas and Andrew do a segment called law lawful movies where they break down a legal movie and all the stuff that they got wrong on it.

So Andrew in addition to being an expert on the law is also a kind of an expert on terrible legal movies. So where does this one slide in for you Andrew? This is perhaps the greatest movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I learned so much about courtroom procedure, about how to structure Europe. The whole use of props, I mean, it's brilliant. It's, I don't wanna spoil anything. I'll stop.

Opens up all new worlds of lawyering, doesn't it? Now, okay, so I feel like the entire point of doing this four part series was finally getting to the one with Mr. T in it. So, and now there wasn't a whole lot of Mr. T. He was kind of like the Darth Maul of this movie and I just showed up here and there, the movie really focused on other things. So what do you think? Was it everything that you hoped it would be? Was it enough Mr. T? Was it too much Mr. T? Well there's no

such thing as too much Mr. T is what we learned from this movie. All of my notes about Mr. T's performance in this movie are just the phonetic sounding out of what I think Mr. T is saying in this movie. What we need to understand is that this is a movie that is a courtroom drama and all that Mr. T will do throughout and we're going to cover this is want to be violent and other people will say no that is the entire scope of Mr. T's character oh I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna kill that guy no Mr. T you can't I mean JT you can't do that okay let's still want to

them all right vote again is one to six see, that's the thing is I felt like he was like beetle juice. You had, you didn't need a lot of Mr. T to go a really long way and I felt like the director used him perfectly in this film. Well, kind of a disagree here. This is a new sentence for me, but I miss Gary Busy. Very much. Well, if we could have got the two of them on camera together, that would have been like but uh... i miss scary bucy very much well if we could have got the two of them on camera together that would have been

like that i would have been yet climaxed and shot myself in the head right then and there i think and again we can afford these actors people look you just take a little of your christmas money we can make this movie by april what's mr Mr. T doing right now? He's probably bouncing at a bar like you did when they first found him. Y'all see Rocky 3. I was in that one.

All right, so now and I have to ask you this one because you and I More or less share an age so we were actually like coming of age when the A team was really huge and everything. And I've been sort of, you know, through the process of doing God awful movies. I've been sort of inoculated to get seeing all the TV stars that I love. Does a child raped and pillaged for these films? So like, but I feel like this may be a first for you. How was that experience for you? Was it what would you say well as somebody who owns twelve issues of mr. t and the t-force comic from the nineteen ninety's uh...

i was not to disappoint it i think this is right on point here's my question how many of the words in mr. t and the T-Force comic are spelled correctly? Just ball party. It's less than T. It's gotta be left in the best. Just T. I think they repeat every issue. They do the first name Mr. Middle name that period, last name T. And they spelled accurately. Oh, awesome. Awesome. Did you eat the cereal back in the day? Oh, yeah.

Sadly, just like... Are you feeling kidding me? It was exactly like Donkey Kong, which was exactly like Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch. Yeah, exactly. It was a cereal? Oh, you don't remember Mr. T.

Cereal? Have you never seen Peewee's big adventure? What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Holy shit. You know, Andrew, I'm so happy to have you here. When the water bed jokes and shit come up, big adventure with the fuck is wrong with you man holy shit i i i i i you'll androm so happy to have you here and win win win the win the water bed jokes and show them up i can say he was born a year before me y'all yeah we have a critical mass for eighties joke on the show on the show yeah

all right now is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, yeah, I'm going to say best worst understanding of grenades and flare guns and what those things do. Those are the same thing, correct? Approximately in this movie, we'll get that. I'm going to go with best worst see me in my chambers. Now, I'm no lawyer, but we have one present Andrew about how many times per trial Do you get called into the judges chambers is it 84?

It's usually on the order of zero But it could it could be one all right, so I'm gonna go and this is a huge statement But I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm nominating this one for the best worst 80s TV actor Move over cliff clayman fuck off Harry Anderson Kevin Sorbo wrong decade bitch all hail mr. T I don't think there will ever be a better performance in any movie we ever watch I Loved this so much every line was like a pearl issuing from the vagina of an agent virgin. It was amazing. I relished every moment he was on screen. Alright, I have a lot to say about that so much as I pity the fool who watches this movie on purpose.

I also am that fool so we're gonna need to take a quick self-pity break and when we come back, we'll dig in all the random argumentation that is. Apocalypse 4. Judgment. Pity break and when we come back we'll dig in all the random argumentation that is apocalypse for Judgment Hey, Andrew thanks so much for coming in. I cannot wait to have you on the episode. Yeah, this should be fun Yeah, been looking forward to it for a long time I don't know where Eli and Heath are though they said they were Mr. Torres or is it toll ray? It's torres you as you know this.

Guys, what are you doing? Lawyer stuff, no, you wouldn't understand. Sustained! Oh God. Your honor? Not a judge. It has come to our attention that your company won opening arguments, a show which neither I nor my associate have ever heard

Hi you and Heath are both Hall of Fame level patrons for the show As infringed upon our copyright with your so-called laud awful movies. How do you plead? Guilty Anyway, I'm supposed to say that and I don't I don't say that you you can't copyright an idea for a title Now as you may be aware we have what might be called a conflict of interest in this matter as our legal counselor is Bibliotheca of UBS Your your legal counsel is where is the library Your legal counsel is where is the library? Overrule, abstract!

I'll allow it. So, as a solution, we propose to clone you and let you and yourself decide this matter at Baritium, if you will. At Baritium, I wear a hat? Congruelate to thisation! That's not a word. Well, at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- at- Just had a curiosity. How do you gentlemen think cloning works? Eli stole one of your hairs and jerked off onto it. Oh for fuck's Andrew if you don't sue you can say law awful movies as often as you want forever Deal. Oh man. He's congratulatoryization. I ran ran out of legal words i will then come to rehearsal

and we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with the main character uh... hellenham who died in the last one sitting in a prison cell uh... with some worms to eat apparently yeah Yeah, worms in their food, but also very clearly peppered farm cinnamon swirl bread in the bowl. I thought that was a real choice. But with worms. Yeah. Warme's peppered farm bread.

Yeah, exactly. Well, and speaking of that, I mean, they show Helen in a regular jail cell here as they're panning away during the credits, you will never see a regular jail cell here as they're panning away during the credits. You will never see another regular cell in the room. And that's a major plot point, too. Right. So this is just the credits jail. Yeah. Well, exactly, exactly. And they will keep increasingly wacky and closures for from here on. Alright. So then we cut to the to the Tron room where we're going to meet Maculu. So,

but first we hear the news talking about all the various hater attacks. Yeah, and we hear about this as we're in this like, I guess it's supposed to be like the office of the Antichrist and the architecture choice here. I thought was really brave. A giant blue light tubes. Yes. Andrew, you want to hear this with some of those solid architecture jokes here? You got it. So MacAluso's desk here, I paused, has two empty

brandy sniffters on it. It has a metronome. It has a little tiny version of the crystals from the Fortress of Solitude from Superman to the Pazlin. And then he picks up a rotary phone. and this movie was shot in the year 2001. Yeah. The antichrist is the original hipster. So that's all crazy but especially the metronome.

Why would he Satan have a metronome? Does he eat drum lessons on the side? Like he's going whiplash? Oh man whiplash but with the antichrist instead. Would that be a lot of fun? Yeah, I thought we could make that work. And also, by the way, we have to point out, because this will be something of a theme for Franco Maccaloo.

So when we meet him, he's doing the chair spinny thing. Oh, it's beautiful. And yeah, he just happens several more times. I just, I really want someone to be facing backwards in their own chair And then like do it back to him just like rolling backwards with a chair. They're like oh Damn wait, no you got damn I went to her. I didn't go yet. I didn't go. Yeah, I didn't you went That doesn't count. I had an inspector gadget related note here, but I thought only Noah would get it Next time I had an inspector gadget related note here, but I thought only Noah would get it Fun fact that was an original clone of inspector gadget that got burned terribly and went insane in a fire

Never really got into the darker aspects of it in the fucking cards You don't watch all the shows they were rapes that true to the comic affair room. So what he calls these ladies into his blue light tube room to explain that he's upset because people aren't turning in haters anymore and he thinks the best way to get everyone nice and invigorated to hating Christians again is to set up a giant show trial because God knows legal precedent is really what sways the minds and hearts of people the anti-Christ knows that everybody knows that except Scalia. And he explains that this is why he didn't actually guillotine Helen Hannah. So we see a flashback to him about to guillotine her and then he like catches the blade. Yeah, just before it gets to her neck. And he's like, oh, you didn't think it would be that easy, did you? And I just wanted to think here we just saw Macaluso again. Can we talk about his physical appearance? It seems to be evolving throughout the series of movies. So you know how married couples start to look alike and how female roommates start cycling together?

In the same way, Christian lead actors all start looking like Kevin Sorbo. Ha ha you can tell he sort of gave up on the Transformational appearance thing because like oh look how different I looked in the last movie and this movie He was like glasses this movie I wear glasses and Then we move over to meet our sort of hero in this film. This is Corbin Bernstein who is a lawyer Typecasting I guess.

And we meet him, like there's this Irish chick, I think is what she was going for. Oh, it's brutal Irish. And she wants his help, because she doesn't have the mark and she can't get any food, and she's heard he's the only lawyer that could help. Yeah, she went to see a lawyer for that. Like, Satan's gonna have a sovereign citizen loophole

Should you trick him? I my favorite part about how we meet his client is Roger Dorn here is pouring himself and only himself a tasty tasty glass of scotch at two in the afternoon during an initial consultation with a prospective client like I trust me on, that's not an awesome way to give clients. Yeah, no, help me out. Give me one second. Glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, gl That's your one. Very offended. So imagine some people are both. How do they know?

How do they know? All right, well, quick as that joke has already gone too far, and it's too late to back away, we'll move on to the next portion of the scene, which is, all right, so he's having this consultation, and then the evil Satan lawyer lady that we met in the last scene. She shows up Right, and she basically challenges him to a lawyer fight now. Andrew again, just clarify how often do your colleagues like Sling back sit how do I reach these kids on one of your chairs without permission and be like you me Monday morning trial unless you're not a real man

morning trial, unless you're not a real man. Well, surprisingly more often than you'd think, but none of them ever looked like Vicki does in this book in the Southern Broom for sure. Oh, she's smoking. Yeah, I love to meet some Vicki Thorn. And I also love to, when they start having this conversation, he's like, to show you that he doesn't trust her, he like reaches over and starts a tape recorder. But it's like, he's like, you know know you might have I pull start this real the real real I mean again this was made in 2000 yeah and that and that 1986 tape recorder

please no role in the movie whatsoever it is not check off tape recorder what did I make the wrong button and Vinhalin starts playing and it's like jump sweet yeah and then hairline starts playing. Oh, jump, sweet. Yeah. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn,

damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, because he's defended Christians in court before and that'll make it seem legitimate even though it won't be. Yeah, then we cut to him showing up late to the like pre-trial meeting at the Hall of Justice.

Ministry of Truth, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right exactly. Yeah, and they and they have for him the script for the entire trial And it's enormous like is it gonna be a musical? I'm gonna be so happy this is a musical mr. T musical guy day man with mr. T I'm gonna be see I I actually have the opposite reaction because when you get a Transcript from a deposition, like an eight-hour deposition is typically about 400 pages, right? So when he says, oh, the verdict is on page 356, I'm like, okay, so one day trial, we're going to be in, we're going to be out.

We always talk a lot, is it? My question is, how are they going to get Helen Hannah to say her lines? Like, I really wanted this to cut to a rehearsal montage with directors and lights and so on. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three. Also in this scene, it's just incredible moment, he goes, well look, here, and hands him all of Earth's books of statues. Oh, this is my favorite part of the seed, right? It is, this is one, the book itself is smaller than the 356 page script for the trial, right? It's like, it's like 300 pages

long and it reads one nation earth book of statutes. And I just want to point out like the laws of the state of Maryland take up like 25 of those books. So I guess O'Neal is like all small government libertarians. And then of course news goes out of Helen's impending trial and we learn this by watching all the underground Christians watch the news. This is when we learn that Rosa made it back and so did Christ's full panda. And she's now allowed Cosby show clothes. Patching up with reality slowly. Certainly. She's almost dressed like a person from the president.

It's exciting. I was assuming she'd be like a cyborg of Barack Obama in a space suit. No. And of course, this is also the scene where it finally pays off. And here comes Mr. Fucking T. Mr. T. Like a goddamn personal trainer doing an improv skit. Like every line he delivers is the last line

in a fire up the huddle defensive lineman speech. There's the every syllable is emphasized. And it should be pointed out, no one ever acknowledges the Mr. T-ness of Mr. T. No one's ever like dude. Why do you shout all the time or like we know how angry JT is because he got went deaf in that explosion Literally his first day. They're all like talking. They're like, oh, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do and then Mr. T as though this was just one of the lines in the scene goes no God help those who help themselves

Like a guy snorting the lines and a funeral because everybody else in the same scene is playing it so like Melody read they're like oh poor Helen. I thought she was dead. Oh, I bet she wishes she was dead And then he just pops it. No, we all got to some we're gonna help so we're stepping to a slim gym You know like a coffee man also I watch this scene like six times because he goes He's explaining that he wants revenge right this is if you watch it the six time you'll understand Revenge and he says quote and I'm glad to see we all have this in our yes Black guy for black guy. Now, he's saying black eye for black eye, but there is no, well, red, that's the line

that was written down, I would imagine. But there is no way not to hear black guy for black guy. And I'm thinking, Mr. T doing some black on black gay porn. I'm in. Yeah. But they took Ronald. We got to take one of them black guys. I just want to hear Mr. T come. So and then of course, the other haters are all skeptical of his, because he's suggesting that they break Helen out of prison.

That's his plan. And the other haters are all very skeptical of this talk. And they miss a giant opportunity to use this tagline. They're all like, we feel so bad for Helen. And I was like, say it, Mr. T, you need the pool. Yeah, never said it. Oh my God, Mr. T. And like I say, we don't need much of them.

This was enough. I actually had to take a break. When he first showed up and throughout that first line like a wrestler challenging another wrestler I had to stop the fucking movie step outside get some air talked to the wife for a minute I was just overjoyed. I should point out right before this I watched this fucking movie my car broke down And will never run again like that happened right before this and after I watched Mr. G. I'm like I don't give a ship I have the memory of Mr. T saying broken to the broken to forever can't take that away from me fuck you oil pump I've got my own joy. So so then we cut to Helen who is now being held a la Tweety bird

I said like Hannibal Lecter like the middle of the room. I just wanted to see her on a hand truck with a Jason mask They never did it. See to me. I that is clearly the same cage from the scorpions rock you look at her The what I do I do at least know Oh my god if she started dancing there's some fireworks behind her oh God we need crazy bills main crazy thousandaire money for this yeah, we can get scorpion too I think right along with mr. Teapin carry busie. Yeah, they all get scorpion too, I think, right along with Mr. Teapin-Keri, Bucy. They all hang out at the same diner. They're getting refills on coffee because it's free. They're on the WWE Hall of Fame, aren't they? Two out of three. So, and of course, this is the scene where like Corbin

Bernson shows up to consult with this client. This is the first meeting. And this is, this is one of these things. It's not a Christian movie trope as much as it's just a movie trope But in virtually every courtroom drama I have ever seen when you get the initial consultation between the lawyer and the client the client is pissy and mean and won't say anything is that real? Why do they do that in fucking movies? Yeah, most of my clients are pissing in mean, so I did that seem to be funny. Well, I said, not only nice things about you so far, Andrew, so I said most. Yeah, you guys are nice guy.

So, and of course, his recommendation is that she takes the 666 mark and therefore it doesn't get her head chopped off but she's Christian so she does not want to take that advice. Right and literally she goes like, oh never and he goes like, you have no idea what he's capable of. Okay good meeting, wonderful, well you have my cell phone, you're going to be locked in this weird birdcange thing like a DAPL protester for the next little bit, right? Sorry, I'll just catch up with you later.

Yeah, that's the whole meeting, really. Literally, like it's just, you're gonna take the mark? No, well, I'll see you in court. Yeah, by the way, there's a script, but don't worry about it, we'll figure it out. So now we cut to the courtroom and the first thing I've got written here is music note all the alley cats are banding together to show that bully of a dog once and for all. I had a next up in the archery contest guy who looks like Robin Hood dressed

as a woman. Yeah right. Okay so can we talk about the courtroom itself here? Because I feel like I feel like other movies just went courtrooms or set other rooms up to look like courtrooms when the need arises for a courtroom They went another way. This seems pretty legit, right where you have and Andrew correct me if I'm wrong But there are a 175 stadium style Andrew, correct me if I'm wrong, but there are 175 stadium style benches and those people are all, the jury and the courtroom itself is a giant circle which the judge sits outside of at an odd angle. Yep, yep, my note on this is just apparently they got the set from the running man at a discount. Our older listeners are loving this episode. Awesome.

Oh awesome. Running a Bachman book. So evil lady opens up with her like opening statement. And now her opening statement is ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we have no idea where you are. I think it's that giant audience. I want you to imagine we're all in a huge boat called Earth. Andrew, again, just quick question, how often have you asked a

churgo imagine they're on a huge boat called Earth? And during that, have you had a prop paddle? Because she then proceeds to pull out a full-sized or to demonstrate how everyone is paddling in one direction and Helen Hannah is paddling in the other. So this might be a good time to like talk about what an opening argument actually is. So what you do when you're actually in court is you describe the crime which here is hatred of the human race and then you describe what the elements of that crime are and then you describe the witnesses that you're going to call and how they're going to prove the elements of that crime, right?

Like, that's what a normal opening statement is. So the first two sentences that Sexy Lawyer here decides to say, we're indeed written by someone who's at least watched a couple of episodes of Law and Order, right? Like she says, we're here, you know, Helen Hannah, like, blah blah blah. But then it goes off into the boat. And I just get the sense that the script writer wrote the first two sentences and then something like, you know, wing it after that. And then that's what happens. But I did love when she's like, imagine you're all on a boat. And I thought to myself, heath is way ahead of you.

My note was a trial like this should only take place suspended above a pitful of shark decons. He's just deep cut here. And then she finishes by going and she's like, oh yeah, Helen Hannah wants to push you out of the boat. She's super selfish. The sentence must be death. And look, I will admit, I have not read many transcripts

from death penalty cases, but do you just scream the words the sentence must be death? Is that the official? No, no, that's feed her to the shark decons. Oh, right. Right. And I love it. OK, so then of course they've got to wrap up this scene

or something because we can't have two opening arguments in a row That'd be boring So norm from cheers runs up from behind her to stab her to death For you yells you murdered my daughter or whatever tries to stab her and then Corbin burns and saves her and that means that we're allowed to stop watching this scene I guess yeah, and that has no meaning the only only meaning that, the meaning it's supposed to have is she's like, oh, you stopped me from being stabbed. And so she's, oh, I'm starting to trust you, Corbin, Ben, but what did she expect?

Like, oh, man, you're one of the bad guys. So you would just be like, oh, no, it's like the willy walker thing. It's like, no, stop, don't stab. I'm stabbed. Well, right, the primary purpose that this guy's tried to stab or serves as it ends the fucking scene, that's literally it. You can see the writers just going, so you just want to end there or

or, oh, that'd be so much of a mess. They tried to end all the scenes that way. It's like, well, I think we are going to have a great picnic. So now we're heading back to the cell and he's very upset with her for her outburst. He can't run a trial with her freaking out all the time about her innocence. And there's an incredible moment here where like the lawyer is trying to get Helen to like, realize that she's, it doesn't matter how Christian she is, they're gonna kill her and like,

compromise with reality. And there's a moment here where he goes, please don't lecture me about your suicide cult. And I wrote in my notes, the everyone who meets Eli Bosnick's story. Ha ha ha ha ha. Also, I feel like storming out of two consultations in a row and yelling clever one liners on the way out of the door.

That's a sign of a bad attorney client relationship in my opinion. I was gonna stick his hand back in the door and throw a microphone out of you. I've been doing this wrong the whole time. So now we're gonna cut to I guess day two of the um Opening arguments where we get Corbin Bernsen's opening argument Which also includes the battle see that's how good a lawyer he is. He's like you want to use battles I'll roll with that. I feel like you're not allowed to use the other side's props He's in props are allowed in court and God knows I hope they are. I feel like she should have been like,

an objection, that's mine. That's my product from home, that's mine. I mean it. Dibs would not be the silliest objection we get in this movie by the way. Objection, Dibs, Dibs, I had the, I did the or thing first. But basically he's like, you know, I agree with the prosecution. Helena is a mindless slave, but should we try the slave or the master?

And I wrote as a joke, oh, he's going to put God on trial. Nope, that's not a joke. Not a joke. He's going. That's not only where he's going, but that trial nope that's not a good one he's going that's not only where he's going but that's where this movie is going now keep in mind once again the original purpose was hatred of the human race we have now completely shifted because he says I want to put god on trial and the audience is like rabble rabble rabble and the judges like what fuck now we got to do it the audience wants to do it yeah and I, okay, I know it's kind of ridiculous

for me to try and figure out what's going on here. But why would this be a defense, right? Like, Alan Hanna's charged with hatred of the human race, right? And so Roger Doran says, we're gonna put her master on trial. She was just a puppet. She was just following orders. But like, this is supposed to be a one-world government. We've only ever had one world trial, she was just a puppet, she was just following orders. But like, this is supposed to be a one-world government. We've only ever had one world trial, right? That was the Nuremberg

trials after World War II. And the thing everybody knows is that those trials establish that just following orders isn't a defense to crimes against humanity. So, I'm sorry, this is what it's like watching a legal movie with me Well, you're then here then becomes my question should they have put God on trial at the Nuremberg trials to get all those Nazis off like if Goring had just been like he made me do it and Jesus is sitting in the back and he's like I kind of did If we get crazy time travel money I'm just excited for when we get sued by the christiano brothers and we get to use their props Just like go over to their desk and start using their pens just like My slideshow now upside down

Yeah, you know those ADF lawyers are gonna bring props into the courtroom. Yeah, speak of that. Andrew I have a couple of questions. Lawyers normally like pace around like that and like fiddle with stuff on other tables. And specifically, this is the biggest one. Do you ever lean right into the other lawyers face with your hands on their table or the witness? Is that effective?

I tend to do less of that than all the lawyers in this movie. Oh, I want that to be true so badly, just so I can crawl sexy cat style across the Christian brothers. You're all not going to have a simple question, not a much simple man. Andrew, your client's still in black face. Yeah, I can't wash him. He's very hard to catch

So I know I've introduced almost every scene in this movie by saying something similar to this But now is the first of many times in this film that Fucking Corbin Bernson's gonna get in trouble and have to go to the judges. So the judge freaks out, you know, when he suggests they put God on trial, he says, in my chambers, so they had in there and wouldn't you know it. Franco-Macrocosm is there in the chambers sitting in the chair, backwards again.

He does the chair spinny thing twice so far in Act One. We're 20 minutes in, he's not in twice. Like, does he have an assistant carry around a spinny chair? Just think he's in the room. I don't know how I want, I feel like he would have to. Also, he has a painting of himself above himself. I wanted him to spin around and be holding an even smaller

photograph of him, turned around in the chair, holding a smaller, which is like infinite regrets. You know, that's actually a slightly realistic aspect of this, right? If you go into a federal courthouse, there will be pictures of the president and the attorney general, you know,

sort of all over the place, which, oh my God, I just realized, how come he's gonna be Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. So, laugh it up now guys. Yeah. That's gonna make our trial even better because the judge calls me and he's like, seriously wipe it off and I'm like,

oh look at this painting and I mash my head through it and I'm like, what's going on? You can't convict the president. I'm president of the party. I've put all of them. So yeah, but of course, the key in this one is that Frank O'Macadoodle loves this idea of putting God on trial So they decide to throw away the script and go with Corbin Bernson's idea apparently

Yeah, and and he says It's her God we need to destroy not her talking about Helen so like does that mean that Macauluso wants Hannah to be found not talking about Hellenic. So like does that mean that Mekaluso wants Hannah to be found not killed? I was not clear. Yeah. In the construct that they've set up in this movie, had God been found guilty, wouldn't she have been found not guilty? Like that's yeah, that's Roger Doran's whole defense. At the end of this as we know, everyone just sort of puts their toys down and goes home because they ran out of movie. But like, what is being set up here makes absolutely no sense. Also, I wanted so badly for Corbin Bernson.

Once Macaluso was like, yeah, let's put God on trial. They'd be like, okay, cool. I'd like to introduce into evidence the time God killed everyone except like three people. All right, are we done? Are we done? Are we done? And then yeah, so he says, alert the media, drop the script, we're going with this guy's idea.

And I guess now we have to head back to Hannah's cell to tell her about it. Yeah. And again, they are not going to talk about the trial, they are going to argue about whether or not being a Christian is the better way to look at the world. Yep. I infrequently have those conversations with my clients. I just want to point out. She's like, why do you hate Christians so much? Is it because we love our neighbors?

And, well, I grew up next to a Catholic church. I wasn't allowed near their parking lot, just in case they tried to love their neighbor, if you know what I mean. All right, so I'm not buying a banana. Don't worry, you are Jewish, you were safe from priests. But yeah, she gives him an email address where she he can get the proof that he's Lucifer incarnate. Yeah. And it took her about a tenth of a second to write down

that email. It was like, yeah, a it B dot code a.m.a.b.co there right have an email meanwhile thorny at the the sexy lawyer check that's prosecuting her is meeting with a bald assassin guy that will play almost no role in this film uh... that was heath right i have him as mexican and Mr. Clean's daddy lover. It looks like he got made up by Ryan Lockty during a lot. It's like a Brazilian gunman. Right. And then we cut to the Christians where JT again is just arguing that he wants to fight people.

That is again all he will do through this movie. But one of my favorite moments here is they're like no JT that's not what Christianity is about and he goes no Christianity is about to sacrifice. Other people Mr. T and he's having so much trouble pronouncing he can pronounce about half the letters in the album and one of the ones he can't pronounce is the letter S. So, that's a tough one. Like, little lamb don't do plural. This is plural.

plural. Yeah, he has a, and that will not stop. It's fantastic. Yeah, and of course, the point of the, of the scene is that we have to see them getting the email from Corbin Bernson, because when guy says, it's code to send swagags tape, which is, I guess, the proof. Yeah. And basically what it turns out is they've got like one of those 9-11 truth videos, but

like a apocalypsey. Mm-hmm. And I wrote my notes here. Hey, Andrew, you want to go debate that guy? You just know, right? Because you see the first 30 seconds of the swag video where he starts talking about the, and you just know that the part we don't get to see is how he's talking about how the O.N.E. flag has gold fringe

on the other words of Admiralty Croors. That's an Admiralty flag. And yeah. And it's okay, okay, but here again, and this is obviously a, let's just say, millennial problem for the Christians. They completely misunderstand what the word evidence means, right? He says, I need evidence and then they send him a video of a guy making a claim.

Because it's just a guy saying, I used to work for O'Neigh. They used this detonator to blow up the school bus. And I'm like, yeah, if only I could find somebody who used the work in area 51 and would swear there's aliens there. Oh, see, now I feel really bad because I made a video of myself being like, Hello, my name is Lucinda and Eli would never accuse the Cristiano brothers of anything. So now I got to delete that from my computer. Well, it's even worse than that because, and this will be a plot point later, right?

Like, somebody making a video Instantly becomes hearsay, right? Like you you have to put the person you would have to swag himself on the stand in order for any of this to have any meaning even You know impeachable meat, right? Like even in terms of being able to evaluate it Otherwise, you're just like, yeah, well, this is. Get me the guy like, this is why we have trials. We're good for the detonator. Anything.

Well, yeah, or the detonator is okay. But also in the video, he promises, he says, and I don't know if this ever comes back. He says, you know, and I have proof beyond the shadow of a death that the O and E is behind this. And I will prove it in 20 minutes.

And again, that the reason that that comes back is because if you YouTube 9-11 conspiracy, the morning star, XXXJWD backslash, you'll get the crazy videos that these motherfuckers who made this movie watch and make whenever like the demon voices tell them to, and they are always, you're probably wondering why I know Barack Obama is the Antichrist in the next 20 minutes I will be because they you know oh God you got you okay so over the next 20 minutes he was gonna prove it We just didn't get to watch the whole day by God yeah if we saw the end we'd see him asking us to like and subscribe

I was I was sure he was just gonna like sit there for like 19 and a half minutes going uh you guys are gonna love this proof hold on. Oh wait and you get it. Not time yet not just yet. Yeah. So and there's no way he gets an email with 20 minutes of video that fast on his Commodore 60 boards. 2000 bullshit. Oh shit So okay, so now we're gonna go back because we need more Mr. T god damn it So we cut to Mr. T He has stormed off because he's pissed at the Christians for not wanting to Break Hannah out of jail so he's stormed off and we see him getting his fake 666 tattoo

Yeah from bald von Kaiser This his fake 666 tattoo. Yeah, from bald von Kaiser. Who this? This is a fun character. He's getting his fake tattoo from the doctor who didn't like Tom Cruise in minority report. Yeah. Yeah, but with a mustache. Right.

And so he's giving him a fake tattoo that's got the mark of Satan on it. And he's registering him in the database. Yeah. Yeah. I that was my big question. I realized this isn't all that funny, but like from the Christian perspective, right, like Mr. T goes in, he gets a tattoo on his hand and he gets entered into a data bit. I was that not the mark of the beat. I know.

What's the difference? Can you get like six, six and then leave it like one decimal, one tiny bit short of an actual six and the Christians will be like, all right, get up into heaven. Six six five point nine bar. That equals six six six never mind. No, it does. So meanwhile, back with that Irish chick from before, she's hanging out. We we cut back to her didn't think she was going to be a character again but she is and her and her buddy are hanging around a trash fire like homeless people do joking about how awesome it is not having

the mark talking about the plot. Yep and basically what we learn here is that there's there's black guy character who used to work for O. N. E. but he didn't get the mark so he got fired and now he can't get any food. And then there's again Scottish girl or Richard Dawkins on September 13th of last year. She's also trying to convince him and she didn't do it because she's a Christian but it seems like he didn't get the mark just like he just didn't feel like it like they were like all right everyone get the mark just like he just didn't feel like it. Like they were like, all right, everyone get your mark. And he was like, nah, man, I don't want to. Well, that's what they give that to us for both of them.

I think that they didn't get the mark because, you know, it would clash with their watch or something. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And then, but then of course, Mr. T shows up and they run off. Right. So when Mr. T shows up, he does this really weird that he like gets down low and checks out their footprints like he's a real nice tracker. What is there on a roof? No idea what's happening here. I wanted him to like lick his fingers and touch the ground and be like

hmm, a scutztin in an African American. Again, he has thousands of sacrifice. I Again, crazy thousand are my guys All right, and then we have to cut to what is simultaneously the most meaningless and most amazing scene in this movie So we cut back to the penny farthing tattoo artist guy that looks like he should be doing a fucking bodybuilding Skit in the 1920s so that the bad guys can come in and kill him. The line he gives us, horrible, awesome. They walk in, he thinks Mr. Teased walk it back in. He's like, oh, did you change your mind about the pain

and he turns around and he says, killers. Get it? What do you see? The killers. Yeah. So they shoot him, him right they shoot that guy He's like oh no you guys don't have to back and they shoot him and then the other guy turns to his like assisted dude and goes Cut off his hand and take it back to the lab

I felt I think I was gonna go we're not even gonna draw Strauss I got damn when I knew I should have talked first. I should have told you to cut off his hand. Yeah, you can take it. Cut off his hand. He interrupts him. Cut off his head, take him to the lap. Cut it, you do it. I don't think it's first time.

Jinks. Nice. They start putting their fingers on noses. Yeah, it's not it. Cut off his left foot and then take the rest of them back to the lap. Yeah, what? If the rest of this movie was these three guys trying

to figure out how to cut off this dead scientist's hand It would be my favorite movie of all time just like just try Stopping on his wrist you wait. We need you gotta keep you gotta slam the door harder. Oh I'm getting I don't even want to think about it. Just okay three two one Oh, it's his for arm it's a fucking for arm ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We're gonna cut to Corbin Burns and wandering by this old boarded up church so he can have flashbacks to his daddy issues, I guess. Mmm. Yes. And he's basically, we realize this is where we, again, we've already heard that like he defended his dad.

So we see, in case we didn't like already just love watching him argue with Helen Hannah about Christianity, he also had these exact same arguments with his dad when his dad was on trial for being a hater. And apparently they kept his dad in the same bizarre one room, Tweety Bird, some that they have, Hellenet, what are the odds? And unlocked, don't forget, I'm locked.

Always unlocked. And then, okay, so keep in mind that, as you have in this flashback he's just standing on some old street looking at what apparently is like his dad's old church and then Vicki Thorn the evil sexy lawyer lady shows up just out of the blue hey what are the odds that we would both be here at your dad's old church hanging out and she gives him her business card 5558 on it. Yes, that's the haters like hotline information hotline

At I will point out when I started my own firm I really tried to get 555 hate 5555 hate that my phone number Taken Taken yeah the fencing store at 5555 gate hates this they can't stand this No, no, we don't know where the Christians are but but but maybe if you'd like to keep them out we could All right, so in case we were in danger of thinking these bad guys had a plan. So we just saw that cut off his hand and take it to the lab scene and now we get this wacky shit. So Corbin Burns and Walks Away with her card going like, oh what am I going to do?

I'm starting to fall in love with Helen but now they want me to turn in her friends or whatever. And the ball the assassin guy from before shoots the boarded up church that he was looking at with a flare gun that causes it to instantly burst into flame from all four corners. Well, he has a he poured gas all over. He's got a gas thing. And if you pour gas on a place, it instantly lights on fire whenever and he's fire happens. Five gallon gas. He's soaked the entire base of this house with or maybe there was like 35 and that was just he was bringing the last one back. It was one of those thermite napalm grenade. Oh I do love the smell of flare

guns in the morning. But think of the planning that had to go into this right because right then had to meet up with Heath's Latino brother, right? Uh-huh, and be like okay, so I'm gonna go up to him because he always goes to his dad's old church And he's gonna be like and I'm gonna be like and we're gonna do our very specific sexual role play and then I'm gonna Leave and then I want you to be like hey, what's going on? And then you shoot the flare into you don't want to match No, no, don't do a match or anything do like a flare In the house, so they just whoa and then he'll be like all bummed

Well right cuz they let him see that's important They have to let him see that the wait until he walks away and then blow the house up with the flare So that he can really like I don't just internalize it I Fuck if I know I would cut footage of Mr. Clean like waiting for them to finish talking Just sitting in the car. Oh man. I should have brought some people with me My god I played this game before Oh my god, I played this game before. Alright, and then of course we get this super clever dissolve because they show Corbin Birds and looking at the church and we see the the the cross at the top burning and then

that dissolves to that barrel fire or that the Irish chick and the black dude were hanging out with around before I know Mr. T is with them. Oh god, I love Mr. T. Like again, you just have to, you have to imagine every line, all the, well, just think about Mr. T talking. He talks like that the whole time. Yes, and here's what's amazing. So I watched these movies first and I write little vocal cues for regular listeners.

Well, no, so we know like what scene we're on. My vocal cue for this scheme was, screw to see you, gas. What's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, my vocal cue for this game was school to see you guys what which is i believe it's good to see you guys but really honestly i'm guessing i don't speak Egyptian reformed Egyptian whenever it is yeah now of course the reason mr t is here is because he wants their help to rescue how in hanna

and uh... and if they he'll give them food and a mark detector jammer. That's actually what he calls it. And this scene's supposed to be kind of serious and like a little bit depressing, but Mr. T keeps smiling, and then he clearly gets scolded by someone off camera like several times and tries to stop smiling, but he can't. He keeps going back to smiling. It's so good.

So then we had back to Corbin Bernsen's office where he's mixing a drink in the dark or I guess it's where it is apartment or whatever at this point. And this is where a president MacRome shows up in his apartment just standing in a corner looking at the wall as he apparently spends about 75% of his life doing Which again was only because Corbin Burns and didn't have a spinny chair Like you know the antiprice got there an hour before he got home and sat there and was like No, this is it's gonna make a no that's making that's gonna be dumb. That's gonna be done You know what I'll be what if I'm lying on his desk like super cash.

I'll be under the note of surprise. No, stupid. Come on macaroni. Come on. You can do this. I love to. Okay. So like he like senses or whatever. There's somebody in the room. But before he acknowledges him, he pulls out the gun like you do in movies. And I'm like, yeah, the lawyers always have a little secret gunstache. She's all over their homes, right? Right? Andrew, how many secret gunst you do in movies and I'm like yeah lawyers always have little secret gunstaches all over their homes right right Andrew how many

secret gunstaches do you have you don't have to tell us where they are yeah just just the one and and like Roger Dorn I only keep one bullet in it because I wish this off one client at a time and I guess okay so this is the part where where macaroni is gonna give him the hard sell on how he should help him find all the The haters and the way he's gonna do this is through threats He's like to your clients know that you're a mentally ill alcoholic and that really have the exception of L.A. Law or whatever it was you haven't done anything and I

Took real umbridge at the alcoholics like because we've seen Roger Dorn drink two glasses of Scott in about a week, right? And I drank more than that just watching this movie. And I watched this movie at seven in the morning. Well, it's, but it's, but it's, but it's, and then he has this amazing moment. He's like, look, if they might know about certain secrets and he looks at him and what he means upon watching this movie again is we're going to learn spoiler alert that Corbin Benson's mark is fake but what he does is he holds up his fist in what I

interpreted in my first viewing of this as a slow-motion jerk-off gesture. Yes! Right because he goes, you know, secret. Secret. Yeah. And if you picture just like a very exaggerated single pump jerk-off gesture, that is what he does. So I was like, oh, like a porn? Is that a thing? But Macaluso, again, spoiler. I mean, he looks surprised at the end of the movie when Roger Doran peels off his fake mark. So I never figured out. I think that your interpretation makes more sense.

Yeah, it was porn that he was referring. Well, but that everything about this room, this scene sets up with, you're going to have to suck my dick before I leave this room. And I was ready for that. I think it's fisting. You guys are talking about your mom and son. I think it's fisting. You guys are talking about joking, I'm talking about it. I think it's clearly fisting.

I think you're missing something. Whatever. Oh, also, at the end of this, like he's all sufficiently intimidated or whatever, at the end of this, he goes, and don't worry, you're gonna do a great job. And I just wrote weird pep talk, Andy. That's weird pep talk. I know about that gun that has one bullet in it. I know that you jerk off to porn. I know that you want to die and that you're an alcoholic.

Don't worry, you can do it. The power of you. Put it on your vision board. Bye. Bye. And the two key pieces of information in imparts here is that Helen Hannah cannot testify on God's behalf during the trial, and that he has to call Franco MacCallusso at the yet. He has to be like his last, the last guy he calls to the stand. Oh, and he has this fantastic moment where he goes, oh, and by the way, I always like to have the last word, which is how he's indicating that like he wants to speak at the trial, but I thought it was like, so don't say anything. I'm gonna have a line, but don't be like,

all right, bye. Okay, so this game will just be here all night. Alligator. Okay, cool, see you. No, no, that's exactly what I didn't want you to do. I'm gonna... It's a thing for me. All right, so long, Mr. Benson.

So long, No, not just not damaged. And you know, I mean, evil dictator law is not necessarily my field of expertise. But like one thing that I imagine, evil dictators do not like to have happened is to be called as a witness under oath in a trial. So I couldn't figure that one out. He has seems to have some weird random and floating motivations through this movie. So now Corbin goes back into Helen's cell, but this time he uses his magical camera disruption device that looks like the remote control for the tumbler

that you get for $9.99 at Walmart. Apparently he has this little thing that he can flip a switch and it turns all the cameras nearby off. Okay. And he just does this crazy monologue at his client. Like that's essentially what he's doing is he just gets in and he's like, look, I just want you to know I hate Christianity and you're a big piece of shit and you're brainwashed and fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you alright you ready to go to trial?

so but he believes that she's innocent now that's the key still thinks she should take the mark and not get her head cut off but she won't but this was his way of trying to convince her not to lie to him right? I don't know. Why do you add like there's definitely like a purpose to things in this world? I feel like we're over thinking this one. Andrew, is this the thing you do? Do you like coming and yell at your clients? Like how does this? You know again there's a little bit of accuracy here right? In that when I've just met a client and I'm concerned that they're lying to me, I will actually go into kind of a little routine

about what lawyer-confidentiality means, right? And I tell this little story about how you can say, you were the second shooter on the grassy knoll and if you tell me not to tell anyone, like I can't even tell my closest family members without being disborded, so I don't know, it's kind of real to me. So they nailed it. Like I was telling you, you like they nailed all the

legal shit in this movie. We're not really gonna waste an Andrew's time. Okay, but do you do the dramatic dialogues when you think to client? Because like it's so dramatic. It's like the truth. You think you have all the answers. Don't you? Do you that type of thing? Because I mean, we did the like, Tibolt and Mercutio thing together. I'm expecting something. Is that standard for everybody? That's just for you, he. Oh, that was fun when we did shake it.

And this is where he reveals, cause she's like, when you have that mark on your hand, there's no way you could understand. And he goes, oh yeah, meh, pulls off his mark and shows or that his mark is a flesh sticker? Yeah, likeh pulls off his mark and shows are that his mark is a flesh sticker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a scratch and sniff or something. Yeah, and this is now the second fake mark we've seen.

So I don't know why Mr. T had to get the tattoo when Roger Dorn can just get the, you know, take scratch and sniff. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Oh, and then of course we have to cut to the guards because the writers realized that, hey, when the TV goes out in the prison for like 10, 12 minutes of distress, somebody's gonna do something about it. So we have to explain that away.

And here's how we manage it. We go to the guards and he's like, Alan, fix the cable and he's like, I always have to fix the cable. He's like, should we call in the fact that our equipment's not working and we're unable to do our job? And then the other guy goes,

I don't do all that paperwork. I'm like oh, okay nailed it now that it makes perfect sense now And the line says is he goes you think you could do a better job Eric and if the rest of this movie was about a Snippy gay couple who both happened to work at the security desk at O&E I would love that movie Just like so I guess we're having lunch with your friends again. They're our friends. No, they're your friends. Don't do this. Don't do this. And of course, in the meantime, Helen and Corbin are arguing about whether or not he believes in God and whether or not God turned his back on the world and whether or not his ex-wife thinks he's weak like that's the

Conversation they're having important shit at this moment, I guess Incredible moment in this she goes he's like my father's dead I believe in me and she goes you'll father's here with us right now And I wanted her to pull a sock puppet out from behind her back and be like to pull a sock puppet out from behind her back and be like, I love you son. That wouldn't be the weirdest thing that happened in this movie. I think that would still be the cut his hand off and take it to the lab. And of course, she's like, you know, why would you do this?

And he's like, well, you know, my ex wife is, you know, she wanted me to watch her dog and just wound up here. It's just one of those things. I kind of want to fuck her again. You know, when you run into an ex and you're trying to be like friends again, it's like, oh my gosh, we should get coffee and you're like, yeah, we totally shouldn't. She's like, what are you doing now? And you're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah his exes. You know, like, I don't want to, I don't want to be that kind of, but I'm not that guy. And I feel like I should just explain that to her, but then it's the breakup all over again.

And you get it, right? You sleepin', you're sleep, okay. Yeah, and of course, now we go back to the courtroom where apparently Vicki Thorn is calling the head of the peace corps to the stand Yeah, and of course this is the first time we haven't see him have to swear somebody in and they do it like on a weird Scroll without mentioning God. Oh was was that a scroll it looked like Nunchucks with demon horns and like none chucks with demon horns and like fluorescent light bulbs that say it was really it might as well be carried out by bats it's like

definitely has horns I wrote mini Torah yeah but that's exactly what they're going for is the demon Torah yeah exactly the other demon Torah I'm sorry I know we have some Nazis that listen I hear from them on on Twitter and awful lot

They're really not nice to them. They'll elect Trump again Okay, so and this and I apologize because I keep saying this but this will happen over and over again in the movie as well They make a really solid case against Christianity Within their movie within their world, right? Because like she brings the head of the Peace Corps up and she's like, what was Earth like before all this and like everybody there wasn't there, but anyway, he's like, oh, there's a lot of ethnic cleansing

and hatred and war and she's like, and how about now? He's like, yeah, none of that. And I'm like, okay, what fuck hell in here, then? This is right, it's beating itself badly. Bomings equal the Christian era. Like I'm just saying, if we do the math here, I don't want to be the guys from the Ford Pinto or anything. I'm just saying we do the math.

I keep getting cited over to the Antichrist again. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Satan's world is way better. I would totally take a fucking hand tat and a VR shake down now and again if it meant there was no more fucking war or ethnic cleansing and it's a credit card Are you kidding me? Yeah And like every the whole audience is going yeah, yeah, I mean this unrelated fact seems like it makes Helen Hannah guilty or whatever

But she turns to Corbin Burnson right and she's like ask it makes Helen Hannah guilty or whatever, but she turns to Corbin Bernson right, and she's like, ask him what price we paid. And he's like, what? That's not making any sense. It's a dumb question. You want him to say, our souls, but no one thinks that, but you and that's a bad argument. Also, Andrew, quick question,

how often do you get hints from your clients? Because I'm willing to give feedback during our eventual slander trial. I just want to know how open you are to criticism like me being like, Andrew, smile more. Smile more. Beans, beans. Holding up like a little phone camera. I'm videoing him. Oh, look at him go! Oh, look at him put this on Facebook. I get that all the time, but you actually hit on sort of the actual lawyer part here, which is when you ask somebody a question in cross examination, you have to know what their answer is going to be for that to be a sensible question.

So, right, when you say, you're exactly right, that like people always tend to think like, well now, if you ask him this, and he answers exactly this way, but part of why you pay a lawyer is because people never answer the exact way that you want them to answer your open-ended question. Well, right, look, look, I do interviews with people who have written books that I've read, right? If ever there was a time where you could set up a question and think you know what the fuck somebody's gonna say, it would be then and you'd be amazed and how often people are just like,

oh, you're, that's what you're staring towards. Okay, I gotcha. No, you're in check. You have to move. This is where you get the block. The king. No, you're in check. This is where you reference the book. You have to you wrote

Asshole Now I take your king that doesn't even make sense So then Vicki Thorne. Oh, I love Vicki Thorne anyway, so then Vicki Thorne calls Well, it's been out of the stand. I was so I didn't expect it and I was so happy. Honestly, I like my heart, left it into my chest, I was just at the site of Will and he doubled down. Like he's full.

Mario brother would like the open vest. He looks like he's gonna give you a great deal on carpeting for your cab. I have so many Willie Spina questions. First, I just want to point out, like I was listening to the last, you know, a couple of episodes on this and you guys called him like discount run Jeremy. And you know, I thought that was a typical like, gam appearance joke bit, but he's totally discount run.

Like, he nails that. Also, I wanted him so badly just to be like, is my friend Jim and Mao used to say, time to open the Christmas presents? Sorry, I wrote that one two episodes ago, and I didn't get it in, and it's been stored up inside me like a fucking sneeze. Well, because you were waiting for Lily's speed

on the comeback, see, I was, this was ruined for me, because when I was trying to figure out if that was the same anti-Christ and two and and three I was looking on the IMDb page or the Wikipedia page for this and they have like all the actors who played everybody listed and I saw Willie Speon It was coming back so I knew this was coming but still do I had no idea It was gonna be like four fucking minutes of solid wall-to-wall wacky antics I mean like like because she says like would you mind walking over there and coming back and he's like absolutely Really like he does like a little like oh, oh where am I going?

Where am I going? I'm just turning back around and The crowd is a live studio audience for everything he says oh absolutely. Oh, yeah, he was gonna start fucking a stool any second everything he says. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah, he was going to start fucking a stool any second now. And of course, and she goes, hmm, that's a mighty impressive walking, but you used to be in a wheelchair. Didn't you? And he's like, yep, I was and the crowd goes, oh, like didn't they notice that there was no more handicap parking? Also, he says I couldn't have walked, I couldn't have even crawled.

And like, maybe I don't know, can't, I feel like he could have dragged himself. Like, I guess it depends on your definition of crawl. I'm not trying to be pedantic. I'm just saying like crawled, like that military elbow crawl clearly. Yeah, exactly. That's what he said.

He gets it. Also, this is the best moment. She goes, now, did any, did Mr. McEluso give you anything else? And I was like, please pull out a giant marquee mark dick. Please, please. But no, it's actually better than that. He has telekinesis, as we've learned from the past movies, you get the world's third best magic trick as a result of selling your soul. And he chooses to demonstrate his tokenesis by making it look like Helen Peter's self, like you know, like, throw water on your friends pants on a double day. That's what he does. He's like, there you go. Oh, looks like Helen at

an accident. ZOOM. Willie. You just got willied. Wet will. Yeah, and I was just bothered by this entire sequence because the smoking hot lawyer lady keeps using leading questions on direct. But she doesn't just use leading question. She practically like runs around behind the stand and answers them herself.

It's one thing to be like, and isn't it true that, and it's another thing to be like, now you're gonna say this, and he's like, that's exactly what I'm gonna say. She might as well have her entire questioning be repeat after me. But finally, because again, Helen keeps fucking whispering, you know Ask him what the cost was ask him what the cost was so finally he does and The the cross examination was do you love your sister? Right that was such a good question that again because this is a show trial He's like counsel in my chambers. You're supposed to lose, dude.

You're supposed to lose. And I want it so badly for like a cross cut of everyone outside hearing them say that on the inside. Just be like, it's a fucking show trial, man, okay? Okay, get it together. And he goes, I'm sorry, with the prosecution like cue cards next time, is that like a lawyer insult?

Like cue cards are like the, they're like the n word of lawyers yeah I put those are pretty good birth right haha pretty solid so now we go back to Helen's unlikely prison cell where he uses the scramble or thing again but this time it doesn't matter because the guards are watching some chick get strip searched so there they weren't paying attention anyway. And this is where they fill out all of your Christian movie, Bingo card, if you were hoping for it. Oh, God. Because we learn that evidence for God,

well, don't you believe in joy and truth? And I wrote, yeah, joy and truth are just like God. And then she asks, gravity exists, even though you can't see it. And I wrote my notes, you're sure, Helen? You're sure you believe in gravity? How long have you believed in gravity, Helen? Huh?

Well, okay. And so this is such a common, like, you know, let's use a slightly different form of the word. We're talking about strategy that you get with questions, right? Because I can see gravity. I can see joy. Right? I can see data that proves those things exist

But but they're treating it like yeah air is all about faith if you stop believing you suck It's the classic argument from Wiley Coyote walking off a cliff exactly That's how they seem to think it works. Yeah, exactly and also like Corbin Burns into this point like for at least for a minute in this movie seems so desperate to have a non-god Conversation she's easily can we talk about the trial? It's like what about love? Do you believe it? Where's your proof for love? I'm like, he's like god damn it. Could we just not I believe in enjoying spending time with you not I believe in enjoying spending time with you This is fun I'm in a good time. I like your cage and this is also by the way where he admits that he's been watching her prey in her

Cell I'm like that's creepy as fuck. I want it so bad for her to go my clit was itchy It was really itchy that my time my My uniform was also, I didn't mean literally choke. I meant like show is feelable. It's a prayer thing, Spanish. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, and also like this is where we cut back to that scene with Mr. T where he's just like, where someone's like, well,

what if something goes wrong and he pulls out his gun? Yeah, a machine gun. Yeah. He brought one automatic weapon in a dog carrier in case something goes wrong in his whole plan. I was really hoping this movie would end with Mr. T bursting into the courtroom and shooting everybody while calling them suckers but unfortunately they tease you with it like it's gonna happen yeah

uh... so that we go back to querbin and he's in his and his wits end about how to defend her but and she wants him to let her testify but of course the antichrist told him that he's not allowed to do that but he'll think about it and while he's thinking about it a security guard comes together and and and let us out of that goddamn scene as well. Oh, and it's so close to a porno too, because he goes, look, you need to give me something and she goes, oh, I have something to give you. And the guard comes in and I was like, oh, fuck you, guard dude. Finally, I was going to get the hell in hand upon me and our listeners have been waiting for.

I feel like the guard could have been involved, whatever. Right, well, I didn't have to end there. It's time for your cavity search, Mrs. Hannah. Yes. Oh, the cage could have been involved. He's got that big string of keys. That ring. That ring.

So, and then we got, we go back to Mr. T. And he finally uses a plural, very impressed. He goes, this is the actual line that opens up this Mr. T and and and he finally uses a plural, very impressed. He goes, this is the actual line that opens up this Mr. T scene. And again, I'm, I'm not going to do the voice. Eli, you'll do the voice. You're more racist than me. If you don't mind, I got a written in my notes at the very top there. If those six, six, sixes are intent on going to hell, I say, why can't we help send them there? our intent on going to hell. I say, why can't we help send them there? That's actual goddamn lies. And then he quotes the Bible. And I want to say I

could watch Mr. T. read Bible versus ever. Honestly, Mr. T. All you Bible, Thomas reboot as Mr. T and just read the Bible again. I walk through the valley of the shadow of death i will feel no evil ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha but he was doing a better Bible quote. He's having a lot of, it sounds like he's squirreling peanuts the entire time he's trying to deliver lines. And there's this one where he clearly doesn't know where his accent goes. Like you said, he tried it to normally accent

every single word in a cell phone, but he fucks this one up. He's like, this mark stands for nothing. Not when it's on my hand, but it's supposed to be not when it's on my hand. Yeah, right, but he says, as though not when it's on my hand. Yeah, right. But he, he says, as though they were going to put it on his dick or something. Yeah.

Not when it's on my head. Fuck. Ha, ha, ha. Not when. Not when. Ha, ha, ha. Um, so yeah. So then, and then this is so clever, while they're standing around arguing about the

plan, the trial comes back on TV and they sit down to watch it, which is how we cleverly move back into the courtroom scene. But before we can follow, we're gonna take a much needed break. And of course, before we do that, I'm gonna give back through the hard cell. Will Helen Hannah be found guilty of Jesus not existing? Will Mr. T deliver a line like a human person? Why the fuck did they ever stop making these movies? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the painfully telegraphed conclusion of, Alpocalypse 4. Judgment.

Well, if it isn't Doctor So-and-so. Oh no, you guys don't have to- Cut his hand off and take it back to the lab. Alright, wait. Wait. What? Cut his hand off and take it back to the lab. All right, wait, wait, what? Cut his hand off and take it back to the lab for analysis or something. What?

Fuck you, how am I supposed to do that? I don't know, look for a bone saw. A bone saw. I don't think this guy just has like a bone saw sitting around he's he's like a fake tattoo artist not civil war surgeon what are you talking about okay then like you your gun to shoot and use my gun what what i just shoot him in the rest until his fucking hand comes off

i'm wearing a suit davi you can pay for this dry cleaning oh yeah sorry my boss asked me to shoot a guy's hand off. How much is that gonna be? Fine, fine. Okay, just put him in the car and then we can cut his hand off at the lab. They'll do it at the lab. Yeah, great.

Let's put the dead guy in my Ford S-Court. Sounds fun. You want me to cut his head off with my car door or something before we get there? No. You sure, maybe? Rip his legs off my windshield wipers? I could do that. Just forget it. Let's go. Cut off his hand and take it to the lab. And bite off his dick

and take it to the zoo. Great job. You're an awesome boss. Bring them before me. Hey. I do. Hello. Who is this new one? There were only two. Oh yeah, this is our lawyer, Andrew Torres. Huh?

Yeah, I figured. Be good thing to bring him. Yeah. Very well. Well, I come to you podcasters once more for assistance this week Helen Hannah goes on trial for being a hater So we uh We're sticking with hater drop it fine fine Sorry sorry, uh, mr. Macaluso

So sounds like a noodle. I'll use my antichrist power to turn you into a noodle. I just want to step back as I can. Can I ask why are you having this trial? I mean, aren't you the head of the world? I mean, couldn't you just call her guilty and execute her? And I, I mean, this just seems to be a big show for really no benefit. Oh, well, no, because like when I win, everyone's going to be like, whoa, that shit's legal now, you know, like a lawyer. I said yes. No, I don't really understand. Yeah, that's because it's stupid.

You're stupid. How do you like that? Okay. What would you suggest then, Mr. Torre? It's, it's Torre's meta. Honestly, just, just stick with the world piece thing, right? Like, a hundred years or so, a world piece will be a much better plan than a show trial with a former newscaster. I mean, trust me on this. Very well. You gentlemen may go, uh, Mr. Torres, one last question.

Uh, I'm thinking loaded guns in the courtroom, props and stuff. Yeah, your name. Oh, definitely. Yeah, go for it, dude. Perfect. Don't take legal advice from a podcaster. Except that. Yeah.

And that. And that. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, she was settling in for another day in court. And now we finally get to the part of the movie where even I had to stand up in yellow objection and of course that would be the part where the prosecution calls Helen Hannah to the stand. I'm afraid that defense council was not aware that the statute was revised during a recent legislative addendum. Okay. First of all, so no way I got to come in before my head explodes.

That's the exact right, so the prosecution calls the defendant to the stand, Roger Dorn objects, and the judge says is council not aware that the statute was revised during a recent legislative adendum. That's a 13-word sentence. And there are at least like, I don't know, five major errors in it. So let's start at the beginning. Number one, in a trial, even in a criminal trial, presumably for a hatred of humanity, the lawyers exchange witness lists,

right? Like that's how you can prepare for, you know, who you're going to cross examine next. Like even when the trial isn't scripted, and this trial is scripted, like we've been told that already. So, there are no surprise witnesses, right? Number two, it's not really a statute that's the amendment. And so I like I kind of feel like maybe what they're saying is that oh, any repealed the Fifth Amendment, but like I mean don't these conservative Christian types like hate the Fifth Amendment anyway. So I mean wouldn't

would that be a good thing that the one I don't know I guess they've been in that because it would be too confusing. You haven't gotten to my favorite mistake yet. I suppose it goes without saying that a legislature can't repeal the Fifth Amendment or that revising a statute doesn't imply that it's been overturned like that's a word. No. And or that an addendum is a thing stuck on the end of something, right? It's not even a common legal term, right? Like the common legal term would be appendix, right? But I, it was very, all I have to say is the aneurysm that was in my brain like reached down and throttled the rest of my nervousness at this point. So I did the script writers a favor here and wrote them a better line, which is the judge

saying, uh, council, the fifth amendment was abrogated by the O.N.E. charter and every school child knows that. Well, yeah, right. If they wanted a guy, because it's very easy to go with no, no, no, this is a completely different one world government. That would be really easy. But yeah, instead they decide to act like an adendum is a place where people go or something. Yeah, and also this lawyer hasn't heard about them repealing the Fifth Amendment.

Yeah, I mean my practice now is basically vetting dick jokes for a living and I would know if they repealed the Fifth Amendment. living and even I would know if they repealed the fifth amendment. Well, I should explain that lawyer, Corbin Benson. He's from that lawyers on the left Facebook group. So they didn't really, facts are a huge important thing for them. Also, Andrew, I just want to point out, if you gave the fifth amendment was abrogated by the one charter, every school child knows that. The scriptwriter of this movie would then call a schoolchild to the state.

That is what the people who wrote this movie would take that time to stay. So okay, so here's how the questioning basically opens up. The prosecutor goes, Helen, do you believe that we're all damned in macaroni as evil? And she's like, yep. And I wanted her so bad to say, okay, no further questions. No, no, but she has like 35 more leading questions that she needs to get out of. And I'm just like see people, this is why the prosecution wouldn't want to call the defendants and say like, you don't need to ask, you know, leading questions with zero foundation and, you know, interrupt the way, like you can do all that on cross, you know. Yeah, yeah, she also has this incredible wall where she goes, well your God sounds pretty awesome. Tell me,

have you ever talked to your God? And that was weird because I'm watching that going, um, she's that Christian. So isn't her answer gonna be yes? Like I talked to him in prayer every night, but no. Yeah, right. She never asked, did God ever speak to you? Yeah, right, right, exactly. So, and also, by the end of it, she's not even asking questions anymore. She's just like going down a list of insults. She's like, she's misled, selfish, and prejudiced. That is what Miss Hannah is.

Also, look at her goddamn eyebrows. They look like someone puts stucco tape on an old dog. I was a little bit turned on. Is that just me? Yeah, absolutely. I thought they were an fleek or whatever. So it's hip. So then Corbin Brinson decides that he is going to cross examine. And his question for Hannah is,

why aren't you rowing the boat with everyone else to which the prosecution's response is objection conjecture. Conjecture on what she thinks, because that's what he just asked, he's like, what is your opinion about X? And she's like, oh, objection, I'm like, she can't conjecture on her opinion. Yeah, objection conjecture is not really a very common

objection, and it seems to be the only thing these script writers know. It's really weird. I don't know. I don't know how to explain what's going on here, but you can cross examine anyone on anything that was the subject of direct examination. but you can cross examine anyone on anything that was the subject of direct examination, and you can obviously ask a witness for her subjective

opinion. So obviously, that gets sustained by the judge. Yes. To be fair, I think conjecture is by far the realist objection. Yes. Yes. So. Well, and if you don't believe me, wait until two lines from now where he says, so what's two plus two? Where again, the prosecution objects because she's not an expert on math.

That is the actual line she uses. So if she said not an expert on or well, objection to stay in there, I don't understand. And how does Vicki not win here? The prosecution, how does she not be like, okay, what's two plus pi? And five, okay, prosecutors. You're an idiot. I like the objection, not an expert on math. That one gets overruled, even though any competent lawyer could have just objected that the entire line of questioning is unrelated to the direct

process. You only get to cross-examine a witness based on their testimony on direct, right? Like you can't just start asking random stuff. Yeah, so what you do for breakfast? How many fingers am I holding up? Counts love? Also, she does the whole like you're not an expert on math thing, but then he says, so truth is absolute. And then we get another objection because in the words of the prosecutor, she is also not an expert on truth. So again, if this was a world renowned epistemologist, the objection gets overlooked. What's happening?

Well, and that one's sustained! The math one, that's always, you don't have to be an expert, no two-plusky, but yeah, you know, absolute truth, that's going to take an expert. Oh, and I have to point out that Vicki is just smoldering here after her objection to sustained. Yes. It is amazing. I am so happy with this.

I watched this scene four times for pleasure. Like usually I'll rewatch a scene because I didn't get. But this year, just the thought of Andrew at his home going, I have to write notes on what is wrong and funny about this. And wills this stain me in my darkest hours forever. Also, I have to point this out. All right, so like Eli mentioned, the first one of us to watch the movie goes through and writes like scene cues, like what is the line that starts the next scene so that we can

all keep our notes on the same page. When I saw the upcoming note from Eli for the next scene I assumed he was joking or that I would get what he meant when I got to it but no this is the actual line from Vicki Thorn after she's done questioning Helen Hannah she says and I quote I call to the stand Jesus Christ and he doesn't show up so I wanted so bad for them to issue like a bench warrant or something. Yeah, this whole principle is Homer Simpson doing Lord. I offer you these cookies say nothing and I will eat them. Right. That will be done.

Yeah. But I guess the point that she's making with this is that Jesus can't come to the stand because he's not real. And it's so good. And look, Andrew, all I'm saying is when we are eventually sued, knowing that the people who sue us think that this is the law, let them go. Right. When they're like, I call not God to the stand, can you not object just because I want to see where the race is of the real legal people when Christian number one is like, isn't it true that you hate God?

You know, I mean, you're laughing, but like, I can do that because what this movie doesn't understand is that lawyers saying stuff is not evidence, right? Or, you know, a grandstanding or like, this is not like none of that counts. So yeah, go nuts, I don't care. Just Andrew playing a Game Boy. Yeah, this guy hasn't called the witness like 26 minutes.

Got him. I also love Vicki's like saying like show yourself the son of God come defend yourself show us some of your miracles I wanted so bad for a glass of water to fall over What I've been working on it the other guy in the last movie wanted me to do that but it was spino Right, right, yeah, right and she goes can't you just admit that Jesus can't be put on trial because he's impotent And I wanted a flash cut to Jesus Just desperately trying to get his dick hard just like talking dirty do something I just need some gatorade can you dress like a horse? I like it when you dress like a horse

Lasting more than four hours But apparently this whole grandstanding calling Jesus to the stand thing was really just a big intro for Franco McAdoodle Dandy who actually can come to the stand because unlike some Messiah's he exists Hmm case closed. Well, I love that she goes like her open question is literally now Lucifer Do you exist and I wanted so bad for him to go objection? He is not an expert on existence That's how it works here and to be fair He makes some pretty solid points. He's like look according to the fiction of this fucking movie for 2000 years They asked God for help and he did nothing I created world peace and you put on my goggles. I let you walk again

What do you think? Yeah, right again this movie is whipping its own ass And we just have to point out that when he finishes everyone goes nuts like God knows if I love you free bird. I wanted panties to hit him in the face and you Just picks up a hotel key The fact I who tried to stab her earlier. I also love Eli's next scene, which is just in the cypherable gibberish from the Scottish girl. And for some reason, the black guy's accent failed him in this accent.

So it was literally like, you're not gonna get lit on the solid. I know it's just like, alright, someone else no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I would say you're right. The sand didn't happen. And Dawn just walks off the movie at this point, right? I mean, yeah. I would too, so I'd be able to. I can't believe her. And you can't understand me. You're not fucky and you're me.

She was Irish, by the way. But all right, so then we cut to later that night when he's like looking over her wanted posters, I guess he's like looking over her wanted posters. I guess he's just about to or just finished jacking off to her. And it could be both before and after joking off again. All right. You're right. And he's going to email the what we learn here is he's going to email the haters to tell him

he needs their help. Right. So he sends them an email and I had a nice moment of reflection here again for our older listeners. You all remember when email took longer to send than regular mail Like I saw the sending icon thing and I was like fuck I remember when email used to be sending Like it just wasn't instantly gone and now we get a moment that that really makes that Church burning seem well planned out. Oh, God. I love it so much that church burning seem well planned out. Oh God, I love it so much.

Another moment where you just really have to sit back and wonder about the God-dam logistics. So, he looks at his desk and there's a wooden cigar box or whatever sitting there that's not supposed to be there. He opens it up, there's a tape recorder that says, play me. The entire message on the tape recorder is the antichrist going no surprises counselor, no surprises. Right.

And then, as though this isn't ridiculous enough, he goes to the window and the ball the safts and guy who was apparently just standing outside until he saw the box is standing there and yells like, make sure you get enough sleep tonight counselor Which is a really weird taunt and then drives away. Yeah, that's such an elaborate Right deliver that message first of all, I could just be like an email or a call or Like they planned this ahead Lucifer's talking to his henchman like I want you to deliver a message tell him No surprises

Yeah, okay, all right no problem. Got it. But don't just like tell him, like put it on a tape. Why? You're, I'm going there in person. I'm going to tell him about the healthy sleep amount. So I'll just, I'll tell him, it's not both things verbally. He's like, no, do the tape thing. Get a nice jewelry box for the tape.

Just sneak in and then sneak back out and then do the sleeping out. I just wrote my notes here. Hey man, you get my recording thing. Cool. Oh, it's me. I put that. I put that there. And my music note here, by the way, is I expect this song to end any second while the singer goes no wait no wait it's not a G hold on yeah my my music note was what a fami grant joined 10,000 maniacs my music note here was jony Mitchell got raptured so this is what we have so now we gotta get okay so like we just had korman burns an emailing the haters so now he's gonna go meet up with them and apparently they live down in the subway tunnels or something right and the cut over to the subway tunnels

Is the spinny newspaper thing and the headline says Macaluso delivers crushing testimony Which I would just love for the press to cover one of my trials that way that's all Andrew got a really good witness this time y'all nailed it so and then uh... of course if you've been waiting this whole time to get carbon burns and mister t and room together wait no more because this is when the two of them are going to be and mister t is pissed that he hasn't used the tape of the guy accusing the OME of being evil

as evidence in the trial. Yes, don't take legal advice from Mr. T. Well, wait, if given a choice between taking legal advice from a podcast or Mr. T, which should you do? Make fun of Mr. T on a podcast. Does Mr. T have a podcast? Talking T with mr. Tiana podcast does mr. T have a podcast Talking T with mr. T. It's great. Oh He was just reading like romantic era poetry. Oh

Come my love and what with me amongst the flowers Byron joke and so Byron nerd out there that loved that shit joke and so Byron nerd out there that loved that shit. Oh, man. This is one of my favorite Mr. T having trouble talking parts. He says I don't trust you. He Mr. T can't pronounce the letter T. I'm so happy about it. Oh, it's pretty great. He can pronounce them at the frontwards, but not right. He's asking it off a lot. They call me Mr. T because I only get one of the I only get one of him Percentence I also look okay, so now Selma in this scene is offering to testify to take the stand on behalf of Helen, which in no way makes sense like internally

or externally to this movie, but it's going to be important. So I have to mention it. And I also have to mention this, even though it's not important. At one point, Corbin Burnson says directly to Mr. T. N. Miss and Soma, I can't say I understand you people. I wanted so bad for that you people. Oh, that would have been so much fun. Oh, so good.

There's also an incredible moment where he's like, he says, well, that's a stupid idea. And Mr. T's like, oh, and I realize like, you can't in this movie, a subtle theme of this movie is don't say things are stupid loudly in front of Mr. T because he'll tear you in half with his Viking strength. Yeah, he's like a wookie. He's the wookie of this film. Sounds similar. T because he'll tear you in half with his Viking strength. Yeah, he's like a wookie. He's the wookie of this film.

Sounds similar. Yeah, he does. He has the same clear enunciation and everything. Yeah. So Christful Panda is going to help him get all the evidence he needs. He's like, oh, yeah, evidence. I got piles of evidence. Come back in an hour and we'll give it to you.

But as soon as he wanders off, the bad guys come through and start shooting the place up right, yeah, and They run out the back door and luckily their HQ has a door that leads out into one of the levels in golden I friend 64 and a plenty of wood boxes full like Solid lead cubes to hide behind for gunpipes. We said we were doing slaps only, no golden guns, no golden guns. Also, it ends with him throwing a grenade and there is a magnificent CGI explosion repeatable only by vultures of horror. It is truly fantastic there are apps on my phone that create more realistic

explosions at the point looks like it's releasing a Pokemon and a vulture for so okay so now we cut to the courthouse the next day and Christful Panda was supposed to show up with the evidence but he hasn't shown up so Helen is a little suspicious and that's when he realized that Vicki when they were talking outside the about to be burned down church before put a tracking chip on him which means he has not changed his clothes in three days. Yeah, there's there's nothing weird about that. Are we gonna make fun of people who don't? Thank you, Andrew.

Sleagely prosecution rests. I'd like to call time to the stand. Yeah, I'm gonna make more sense than the next move, which is to call so much of the stand, because foodpanted and show up, but he doesn't have the evidence so now Some random black woman will take the stand to defend Jesus. Yeah, no and and I mean like I've talked about witness lists and everything already But I want to point out in this scene Roger Dorn looks around the courtroom, right? Christ foodpanda isn't there and he just looks at the first person he sees walking to court and is like, I'll call her to the state. That's not how we do this people. Yeah, it was a surprise witness like, for him.

Which takes a real lawyer. I guess we're just glad a pizza didn't get delivered at that time. Yeah, that guy, get out here, Scooter. Just, you want to really like the black olives. Be honest, be honest. No. Objection, the witness is not an expert on vegetables. Oh, speaking of objections, I love this one too.

Right, so they get Selma there. And he's like, Selma, you came at great personal risk to your life to be here today. And he's just like, yeah, they're gonna murder me after this is over. She goes, objection, conjecture, we might not. We might, Bill, or you don't know. You know, there could be, we could just, you know,

Gia Tiner, but then hold it at the last second if we need her for the next movie. So, yeah. Exactly. Selma, Selma is described throughout this movie as known terrorist and hater, right? Those are crimes. So, I mean, she should definitely be arrested in this thing. Oh, you would think it's like if a member of ISIS busted into a national

tribunal and they're like, oh, this guy, this guy, come here, Abdul. So Abdul, you're a character witness for my, yeah, right. And that's the thing. Why would you bring a co-conspirator in as a character witness anyway right and he knows it's a bad idea she's about to get on the stand he's like trying to act to uh and she's like Christian black he's like I was gonna say crazy I'm gonna say crazy we yours is better first one the first one the first one is better all right but instead of focusing on anything relevant to anything First, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, She goes through the usual like, Jesus is a historical fact because there were 500 people who saw him in the book.

We wrote that we are the ones who had it. Or the right. So exactly. The Eli Bosnich story always has me maintaining an erection. It doesn't mean it's true. And then why would any would be killed if it wasn't true?

Blabby Blue, he doesn't ask her if it's physically impossible. Instead, and this was the first time I've heard this in one of our movies, she goes with Simon Greenleaf. Andrew, you want to walk us through Simon Greenleaf? Yeah, yeah, sure. So, first, I think it's... Yeah, right. First, I think it's important, like, remember, Roger Dorn calls Soma to the stand as a witness for the defense, right? And then what he says is, oh, by the way, like, I'm gonna take a seat and I'll let my witness get stuff out answering cross examination. By the way, we've done no prep going into this. So, you know, whatever. Just pontificate. It's up to you. So that's the setup, right? And then this is definite, a God, this scene is definitely

the like, oh, you know, but what about John Lennon of this movie? Because the question to any lawyer, right? So I should say, Selma asks Vicki, do you know who Simon Greenleeth is? And what Vicki should say, well, what Vicki should say is this is micrross examination, so shut the flock out because you're the witness right now. But if you're a terrible lawyer, what you would say, if the witness asks you, do you know who Simon Greenleaf is, is, yeah, he's like an 18th century apologist or something. Shut the fuck up, this is micrross examination. So what is the Simon Greenleaf argument? Who is Simon Greenleaf? He's a lawyer, dude, from the late 18th century. He's a real lawyer.

He donated a lot of money to Harvard, so he's got credentials behind his name and stuff. And he wrote an apologetic that's unbelievably stupid it basically like is about ancient documents and it relies on the fact that non lawyers Don't know the difference between saying that a document is admissible and saying that a document is believable Yes, so like right. Yeah, so when Eli is on trial right like I if I need to refresh his recollection like I could put I could say So Eli like what happened on January 3rd 2015 and Eli would get back. I would say, how do you know that? I'd say, oh, I keep a journal. And then I could put your journal into evidence because you've authenticated it, right? But that doesn't mean that we have to believe what your journal says is.

Right. And I would add on top of all of this, like, there's a legal doctrine about double, right? Like we started to talk about hearsay. hearsay is whenever you put something into evidence that hasn't been said by the person who's on the stand, right? And there's a doctrine of double hearsay that I'm not going to explain because no one gives a shit. But, but, but this is triple hearsay, right? Like, is this Soma telling us what Simon Greenleaf said about what the

Bible says right like I the judge's head would explode I wanted someone else to push her out of the way mr. T jumps in here's what's going, Mr. Teemines. Well, and also, God, for fuck's sake, if you boil this whole thing down, if you boil Simon Greenley's entire argument down, basically, what he's saying is if you trust what the Bible says, it proves the Bible is true. Yeah, no, no, no, it's it's it's equally an argument for the Quran, the book of Mormon, it qualifies as an ancient document, like anything. And the judge here has a moment where he's like, hey man, you're supposed to be doing a worse job than you're doing. Just remember, this isn't a get at it because he shows

him the like, hater card where he's supposed to be turning in the Christians. He goes, this isn't a get at a jail free card. And I can verify Andrew has said, those aren't real. I wrote one for myself, but you cannot go near a school zone if they tell you you can't go near a school zone. So now we get this like, you know, hey guys, we're almost done with this movie montage where everyone's sitting around watching commentary on the trial as they prepare for the big escape.

Like Mr. T and the black guy that didn't leave with the Irish chick or dressed as like O.N.E. officers. Yes, this is the part of the movie where we are supposed to believe that Mr. T is going to infiltrate O.N.E. Yes. Look, I've worked in very large companies with lots of people and not known everybody's name, but if someone who looked like Mr. T walks into your workplace environment, you're like, fuck, I have not seen that guy before. That guy is Mr. T. And you have appointed out the best part yet, which is Mr. T and his fellow conspirators

are acting out this plan in a van. And it is totally that there's no question the dialogue was lifted word for word from an episode of the 18. They were like come on, there's got to be a scene you didn't use and he's like let me check I got my binder. This is something that someone signed for me. Oh the memories. So and he could have a stroke and sound the same. It's so and so like new Patreon goal enough money to hire Mr. T to remake my So and he could have a stroke and sound the same Like new patreon goal enough money to hire mr. T to remake my fair lady. Oh hell

In spain scene Oh, I am upping my support for the show All right, so now thorn the vicki thorn that sexy lawyer goes to see the judge and tell him that Corbin was having secret conversations with Helen and dun dun dun he has a fake mark and and this is where I realized vicki's skirt gets shorter and shorter every scene of this movie right it's not just me like it starts out knee length and at this point she's about to do a lawyer porn we're getting awful close yeah it seemed totally realistic me. I don't know what you're talking How sure is it to you wear when you're trying to get into a judge's There's a new patreon go for us

So now we cut to Corbin in his office and he's drinking a Corbin in his office and he's drinking and he's got a gun and he's listening to a tape of Helen Cryprang. And the first thing I wrote in my notes is like, I feel like Eli's been here, but then I saw in Eli's notes and he's like, yep, Ben there. So I erased that. It's true. I mean, look, who hasn't had a good old scotch gun listen to the woman you love Crypray? Right? at no illusions

but he's doing that so instead he goes over and I thought he was gonna like fucking get in an argument with his fish cuz he like sort of drunkenly stuff fucking fish fuck you but instead he has a flashback about how much he's mad at his dad yeah for being executed that selfish bastard. But then we cut away from that to like back at normal time, the bald Spanish heath guy attacks him. Right. And so then the O and E guys come in like they're struggling. The O and E guys come in and shoot bald guy and they're like, huh, good thing you gave us that license plate number.

And then they look at his hand and they go, man, his fake mark looks really good. And what the movie was trying to do here is like, oh, you see, Corbin Benson didn't give them the haters license plate number. He gave them this guy's number so they would kill him in a nick of time Well, right so like apparently whoever's license plate they he'd given them they were going to kill That seems like more power than I'm willing to give carbon burn should it should it give a macaluso's license plate?

No, yeah, right Saved just so much trouble, but you know when this scene was done being written someone was like there same tied up totally tied up And this is where the agents give Corbin burns in another business card with the 555 hate like he might forget 555 hate yeah, we need to write a jingle for 555 555 Yeah, we need to read a jingle for 558 HAT hey We really hate nobody. Yeah, no, yeah, you can get Gary Bucy and a car New one step before you go to the movies in New York And then there's a then there's a woman who has an aged well trying to sell you three million dollar apartments

Just so you know, that's what it's what it's like to go to the movies in Manhattan that's the New York experience so now the van pulls up and they send the skinny black guy the British but trying to be American black guy in they give him a chocolate bar because he likes chocolate he acts like a toddler about chocolate bar he's like okay I'll do news. You want a Scooby snack? Yeah, apparently. Yeah. So, okay. So then he goes to the to break into the O and E headquarters. And of course, he's got one of those pages that you use to decode card readers like to have in the movies. Why don't why don't bad guys just make security keypads without a Data port that you could stuff something extra into and break it.

Well, apparently it doesn't matter because they get, you know, their security was up to snuff Because just as he's about to get in, a bunch of sirens coming, the bad guys come up and then they then they gun him down And Christfu Panda wants to leave, but Mr. T won't let him. Otherwise that boy wouldn't die for nothing. No, I'll put him up for this. Yeah. That's the exact quote. And then Mr. T, like, goes over to blend in. Yes, with the agents.

Okay. Crazy billionaire money. We make a video game, a stealth video game starring Mr. T as a Christian, breaking into Owen. It's just like one of those old splinter cell games except Mr. T and no one ever notices him so we get like, like, oh, hello there. I'm one of you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

this whole scene definitely has the like, no, no, press the circle button. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I don't know why she's going inside the Kill You Seal computer room cage thing and fix whatever's something's wrong And it's it's fine. He gets inside also so stupid I just have to say this line because it's my favorite line of the entire movie Sholo pandas like no, no don't go in and he goes he goes I'll blend in and He goes what if someone notices you and he goes, have them have them if it does He goes what if someone notices you and he goes Hebbam hebbam, if it does Hebbam hebbam Now that I believe means on a 19th viewing

Hebbam hebbam Hebbam hebbam Oh wow No it was Hebbam hebbam I'm pretty sure He just fallen into baby speak Hebbam hebbam makes more sense So now we head back to the court room, where Corbin is showing up late.

You can always tell us the last day of the courtroom drama when the lawyer shows up late. And he calls Franco Macromade in a stand. Right. And you can't do that, right? Like you had an opportunity to cross examine Franco Macromade so what he was called by the prosecution and you know you you asked no question so too bad you know get to just keep calling a witness back to the stand over here right that this is the the defense has

surprised witnesses each more surprising than the last even surprising to myself also I want to point out Helen gives him a dirty look here because she didn't want MacKaluso on the stand. And I just wrote in my notes, Helen is looking at me the way Anna looks at me when I talk in front of humans. Just that you're ruining this party. You're ruining it. Well, and apparently she is because eventually they have to, like, you know, she has an

outburst in the guards like Paul her out of the courtroom so and and what's going on here as we as we quickly figure out is that corpsman mernsen has to stall everyone in court well mr. t breaks her out of prison so he just goes off on a series of every courtroom movie cliche you can imagine and then post that a gun yeah you can imagine and then pulls out a gun. Yep. Yeah, so I want to point out again, what this movie is suggesting is that the evil O'Annie government has removed metal detectors from the courtrooms. And I'm saying, I'm thinking like, are you guys the NRA pro-second amendment people?

Isn't this another good thing you wanted? I was confused. Well, he's got a prop. Well, yeah, right, wait, she had clearly she did prop, so he gets to do props. So he pulls a revolver out of his briefcase, and he says, don't worry, Your Honor, I'll take the bullets out of it.

It's like you've just been carrying it around in your goddamn briefcase with bullets in it. All right, well, and if you're gonna do an empty gun, why didn't you just have an empty already if you're doing an empty gun prop? You hit this, does not occur to me. because it's a magic show what we learn is it's a magic show right and he goes oh as you can see an ordinary gun and I just needed a girl in like a red sparkly dress to come out and be like that because then he gives the guy the bullets

right like hands him to me is there take those bullets and then he takes the gun and he points at it loose a firm and he goes excuse me bailiff would you mind opening your hand how many bullets and he opens it up he's like oh my god only four bullets how do you do that crazy so he goes around and he's like asking everybody in the audience like who's willing to step down here and take a bullet for Lucifer so that's his defense at this point is like I am gonna shoot someone in this courtroom any volunteers. Yeah, and by the way

That's super weird because I would totally take a bullet for someone who created world peace Yeah, right if the people all gotten marks and were in the virtual reality thing weird because I would totally take a bullet for someone who created world peace. Yeah, right? If the people all got marks and were in the virtual reality thing, why would we believe that no one in this courtroom would be willing to take a bullet for the man who re-grew their arm and created world peace? Just like if there was just a normal dude, it wouldn't even need to be magical. If there was just like some great head of the UN and they were like who wants to take a bullet for super-merkle I'd be like yeah sure go for it yeah I mean this is basically ELIZE all the skittles

post that went viral right right this guy you know save the world like people should be throwing themselves off the balcony to take that bullet right right but the pointy's making and this is terrifying is that no one's willing to die for Satan But all the Christians are willing to die for Jesus. That's the point like that's the hey guys You know what makes us so much better than them. We're willing to die for our dumb shit I know I wanted so badly for a Muslim guy to stand up in the audience and be like, oh, do I have a surprise for you, my friend? This is an example that is not going to play out. How are your teenagers doing? Also, through this whole thing, like, as he's doing his whole gun thing, they also, like,

they have, they keep coming back to Mr. T, because he's like broken to the cell where they're keeping Hannah come back to mr. t because he's like broken to the the cell where they're keeping hand and now so much and he's trying he's got this giant ring a janitor keys and he's trying each key but it's not enough for him to push the key in and check to see if it turns the lock he must then wrestle with the key and the lock and try to like

defeat it with his great strength i honestly expected him to cut through the bars with his mohawk uh... just had but i'm or something and another guard comes in while he's fucking around you know he's like hey wait a minute i don't remember a large bearded black man with a mohawk who the hell are you

and he's like i'm in the department of food uh... well yeah well yeah so the reason we have to have this scene is because mr. t wants to shoot this guy but Selma has to talk him down and explain to him that that's not the Christian thing to do and I'm convinced that wasn't part of the movie like mr. t just constantly wanted to shoot extras because of his days in the 18 and they were like no you know what that's your whole characters' journeys he wants to shoot people but he doesn't yeah I want to shoot people but no but but you don't but you don't

that's what's so great about it and then I shoot him no mr. T then you don't what's your first name I don't know mr. and okay so then we come back to the courtroom like now they're they're like everybody knows Corbin Birds It doesn't have a mark and they're all freaked out or whatever So now Vicki comes up to him and she says do you want to die for your god and shoot them now at first You might think that this is a bad thing for her to do But if you think about it he really set up the whole using the other guys props thing when he grabbed her or I feel like this is turn about. As Drew also Andrew, is this going to be a future episode of O.A. where you talk about what happens when someone shoots you in court? Right. Listener question. Eli B asks, what happens

when the other lawyer shoots you with your prop, but you stole their prop first Even though you totally got away with your magic trick It's similar to stabbing the corpse at a funeral, right? really speaking Yeah, and and the net result of this is and we see you know another newspaper headline That you know mistrile declared in God trial and like that's not what mistrile me right like mistrile is not just like oh right there's a bad court thingy so I guess we just call a whoopsie doodle like and this trial is like either

you have a deadlock jury right or some other reason the jury can't come to over to. Or, and this is the most common, like, you have a fundamental error that is so prejudicial to the defendant that it can't be cured by jury instructions, right? But, like, here, the trial was over, right? The defense gave his incompetently stupid closing argument about Jesus or whatever. I mean, you could argue in effective assistance of counsel. I like there's not a mistrial I like all the evidence has come in you just tell the jury like ignore the fact that the prosecutor shot Please I deliver those instructions. I will Explain to a jury to ignore that the prosecutor shot the defense to ignore that the prosecutor shot the defense. Also, like, I'm just kind of like, is this a happy ending? Is this a sad ending?

I can't figure the movie out. Like, it, Maca Lousseau says at the beginning of the movie, right? I want Hannah to remind the world of what it's like to follow God, right? And that's what Roger Dorn does in his clothes and then he gets shot. So like, I don't know, I mean, isn't that? Yeah, she's never be happy, right? One would certainly think. So, okay, so now that God's been found not dead but surely alive, I guess we can kind of wrap things up. I have to ask, Andrew, was this your worst courtroom experience this film?

I, gosh, I could sort of excuse everything by thinking, well, maybe the O.A.D. government just repealed this basic aspect of trial procedure and there was a good reason for it. So I still think the firm is worse, right? Okay. You sure, Wilford Brimley didn't get murdered in this one. We know how much that tickles your pink.

Oh my gosh. You get to beat this so brutally. It's just, it's just 65 seconds of like the fully guy hit it go like a bag full of meat with a baseball bag. All right, well, I guess to put a bow on this review, I'm simply going to ask you guys to finish the following sentence. Before I watch this movie again, I'd rather be convicted of blank. Felony Miss Anthropyy like Helen almost did Doug Lave

What the Christian or brothers did in 1989 he like does not mean that Mary Christmas everybody Before I watch this movie again, I'd rather be convicted of That crime where your sentence to answer people's questions about the law twice per week You and that would have been that would have made perfect sense at the end of this movie if they had found Helen guilty of that or Sentencer to be a butler or something. Yeah All right, and Andrew I've got to say thanks again so much for hanging out with us. I know it's a pretty ridiculous thing to try to use a Harvard Law education to break down the legal aspects of this film.

So I appreciate you indulging with us. If our listeners want to hear a little more from you, where can they find you? OpenArx.com or opening arguments on iTunes or wherever else you look for podcasts. Awesome. And I honestly, I say this truthfully, there is not another podcast that came out in 2016 that I would more highly recommend if you're not listening to open on Arguments you really owe it to yourself. Of course you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode Andrew Thanks again. Oh, thank you so much. Thanks for having me on and and thanks for your kind words You bet and while that does it for our review of apocalypse for judgment

That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to channelize you for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Christmas on Salvation Street. We can get one more little blow to Christmas before it's all over. Exactly. It's about a white preacher and his daughter, who is recently widowed, who moves to a black ghetto neighborhood to save all the black people. We didn't do this one last year during our Christmas Stravaganza, because it was too similar to Brother White. Literally, that's why we couldn't do it.

Okay, I thought you were describing Brother White, that's right. Too similar to the other ones, but I've watched the preview and it looks pretty phenomenal. Awesome, awesome. Yeah, that was a late addition. So I haven't seen the preview yet very much looking forward to Brother White but serious. Mm-hmm. I've been saying for years that the world needed that. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 71 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Andrew Torres of the opening arguments podcast for hanging out with us tonight. And of course, and at least equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes

and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitchers, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com. The theme song for this episode was written and performed

by Ryan Slatt, Nick Avivil, Draftsson, Mars and all additional music was written and performed by Morgan Clark. If you like what you hear here, or more by following the links on the show notes for this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely, I'm Neely,

I'm No Illusions, Promised, Norfolk, Hard to Earn on the Chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Selma went on to become an assassin made of liquid metal in Part 5. Helen never got out of the cock of duty car! Jesus couldn't handle life on the outside, carved his name into a ceiling beam and hung himself. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, KhabiRay 2016, all rights reserved.

Copyright 2016, all rights reserved.