God Awful Movies - 72: GAM072 Christmas on Salvation Street

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

On this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Christmas on Salvation Street; the heartwarming story of nothing happening for an hour and forty-five minutes. But it's a Christmas movie, otherwise why would there be all this tinsel? To get tickets to our live show in Chicago on January 13th (guest starring Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance), go here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-with-cognitive-dissonance-tickets-29713113723 If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es sin parque sur. LUTHERS ABOUT TO DO GREATS BUT HE'S GOT TO APPOLOGYS LIKE A WIPE GIRL DOING CAREOKEY FIRST. HE'S LIKE, OH MY GOD, OKAY. SO I'M DOING THIS FOR MY SISTER.

OH MY GOD. HE'S KINGED. AND JELLA, YOU'RE GONNA GET MARRIED. OKAY. Dear God, thank you for the food. OH MY GOD, did I fucking ruin it? I think I was amazing. I put in was amazing.

I put in 4th bomb. Very wiokey is for the pouring. God awful. Movie. Moobie! Moobie! Moobie! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because that's the only legal thing That the voices tell me to do. I'm your host Noah Luzon since sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath Welcome back sir. Thanks Noah. You know who's a great group of people the whites Alright, let's start the show Now that Heath has said that we're allowed to get going and sitting 81 miles to my right You've already heard him but I might as well introduce him anyway as my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli

How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Oh, I'm pretty fantastic Noah. Good, good, glanty here. I think I know why and it might have to do with the answer to this question. Heath, tell us what will we be breaking down today? We watched Salvation Road or Christmas on Salvation Road or something like that It's the story of a white pastor moving his family from a rich town to a poor town and Helping save the colors from themselves

Which is an identical plot to the movie we did in episode seven called I think it was Brother white man's burden. Yes, and just for, I went back to the notes from that episode, turns out I used the, pretty much exactly the same word, St. Andrews, that movie by accident. I'm not trying to recycle intro. That was a coincidence. It's just these movies being racist in exactly the same way. Yeah, yeah, no, exactly.

It was like I said last week, it was Brother White, but serious and Eli, how bad was this movie well if you love feel good movies about white people save and black people but the realistic acting makes you afraid you're trapped in your TV this movie is like 30% the help 30% Christian movie 39% quiznos training video with one percent Christmas movie sprinkled on top. I feel like honestly, I feel like the actors in the quiznos training video should take offense to that. I feel like we're going to get an angry letter like, Hey, man, I was doing my best, all right? I was really invested in that sub getting all the way through the toaster before you reach in. That's a deep cut for anyone who's working with now.

Staying out. Yeah. Yeah. You love that shit. I think you're under arrest. I'm aiding our Quiz Nose listenership, but whatever. And you know, I we should say right up front that this is yet another one of those movies that's like based on a true story and you can tell cause nothing fucking happens.

You know, it's just some arrogant Christian that's like, you know what, would make a great movie? The boring shit that I do. Well, you know, one time I moved somewhere poor than where I lived before. I lived there and I did my job. And I just, I would kill to just dive in, like fly on the wall style on one of the writers meetings for this because at some point in the writers meeting

Someone said well what about that time you came up with Taco Tuesdays. There should be a scene for that huh and there is Well, there let's be clear. There is no scene that was proposed that didn't make it. There are a plethora of useless fucking scenes in this film. It starts with one it ends with one and there's nothing but those in the middle. So is there anything that you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to say worst worst actor. The guy who plays Charlie might be literally worst worst actor uh... the guy who plays charlie might be literally the worst actor we've reviewed

uh... he's also the writer in the e.p. and it's a fucking disaster every time he's on screen and he's on screen a lot yeah yeah you know it's funny i saw you wrote best worst single actor and i wrote i don't know which one you mean but i also agree you know i'm not i don't mean this is argumentation oh he was terrible uh... yeah we'll see that he very clearly thinks he's the comedic

like relief of this movie but no one reacts to him and again this is a almost a christian movie bingo at this point no one reacts to him like he's the comedic relief so he'll just be like uh... oh i shocked myself and the other characters be like, you okay? He also has and I'm gonna we'll get to it, but he has one of the maybe my favorite vamping moment in the history of Christian film as well You like got any best worsts for us? I'm gonna go with best worst streets We hear about how the streets have killed people. The streets themselves have killed people.

To the point where, and I have this throughout my notes, I thought maybe this was a horror movie about literal streets that hunt down and kill black single-bottles. And I was for it. Step up to the streets. Oh hells, yeah. I also want to nominate this for best worst kids. Oh god. Specifically the younger daughter. Yes. Oh kids in this. So this is kind of a trope in movies, but it's not worse anywhere than it is here, which is that people do kids sometimes

as these just weird blanket honesty machines who don't understand like basic concepts, even though they understand the language around those concepts. But this movie is just terrifying. There's several moments where like the younger daughter, you're just like, oh, no, she's not well. She should understand that. She's a team. Like, this is not right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, parking. Oh fuck these people. Oh my god. All right. Anyone who lived in New York is gonna have to go nuts with all the front end

parallel parking in his fucking movie. Always six and a half feet from the fucking curb and diagonal. Looked for me. Totally cool to me. You don't hear anything. So that's like great parking. Not just good parking. Because you can tap the car in front and behind you that helps them. I hate you so much And also and from more of a cinematic perspective too and we'll get into this right away when we get into the review I wanted to nominate this for the best worst editing and that is a huge Fucking statement considering what we've watched in the past But oh my god there were points where I started having epileptic seizures from the editing and his f**king movie Yes, I I have this later in my notes, but at a certain point I wrote Jesus just make a whip noise every time you cut

The only way it could have been less comfortable in terms of editing is if when we move from one side of the conversation to the other, we did so with the spider man in between scenes thing, you know, the new, new, new, new. Yeah, yeah, holy shit. Well, obviously, we can't be done until we get started. So we're gonna pause for a quick break

and when we come back, we'll leap head first into all the poorly scripted mundanity that is Christmas on Salvation Street. Hi I'm Tony D. Is your Christian movie kind of boring and pointless? Not really sure why anybody even in the Christian movie genre we want to watch it? Try Tony D's instant Christmas movie. For the Zimbo price of $49.99, our special picture and sound editors can turn any movie into a Christmas movie.

Boring to shot us a masslet's talking about Jesus. Now there's Ten Soul Christmas movie. Is this dialogue dragging your movie down? How are we going to save the church? Give it the Christmas treatment. How are we we gonna save the church? Give it the Christmas treatment. How are we gonna save the church? For Christmas. Don't eat these instant Christmas movie.

Because you tried your best. And that's all the matters. Hello and welcome back to MasterCook. I'm whatever name we can use that's close enough to the blonde British chef that's on TV a lot without getting sued. Today we've got two local podcasters in the kitchen to show us who is the master cook. Heath, welcome to the show. So I can't make ramen for the fourth time. No. And of course, returning once again after his miserable defeat last week, Eli Bosnick Eli. Thanks

for joining us again. I don't know how to cook. Why do you people keep having me on this show? All right, let's see what you've prepared this week. Keep, tell us about your dish. Right. So, um, I just used blue apron, which means all I had to do was go online and sign up and they sent me fresh, pre-portioned ingredients to my home, along with easy to follow recipe cards. So I made these Buffalo-style cauliflower sandwiches with blue cheese. Excellent, sounds delicious, and tell me how easy was this to make? Oh, super easy. You just open the box, follow the instructions, and the meal is ready in no time. Excellent, alright, and Eli, tell us about your dish. Well, you gave me 30 minutes to make something, and then just told me to go into a giant pantry,

filled with stuff I didn't recognize, so I tried to make pasta. That takes like 20 minutes, and I couldn't find oven mitts or anything around. So I just ordered Chinese food to the studio. And that costs like $13. And then the guy pretended that the buzzer didn't work, so I had to go downstairs to get it. And it was wet for some reason. So there you go.

Mixed veggies and brown sauce. I see. That's disappointing and expensive. Heath, how much did yours cost? Less than $10 a meal. Yeah. Well, mine came with soy sauce if they can take it. Uh huh.

I think it's clear tonight. The winner is Blue Apron. It's obvious to me that the listeners at home will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cooked meals with blue apron So don't wait check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blue apron dot com slash god awful That's blue apron dot com slash god awful blue apron a better way to cook Didn't even taste mine The delivery guy very clearly dropped this in a puddle. Yeah, well, I don't tip. And we're back for the breakdown. So we're going to start this one off

with a choir singing and a frenetically edited series of random shots of the outside of a church. And I do mean random like part of the West wall. Yeah, music note, by the way, oh nice, they got a real choir. Yeah. I mean, the first thing I have in my notes here is, wow, when it comes to Jesus' music, I've learned to appreciate gospel choirs. That's how much my life sucks. Like, at least it's not country yet.

And the choir, they look like a perfect ethnic pie chart. Yeah. Uncanny, it's like 31 white white people in eight point three latinos and seven point five black people and a tannish guy who claims to be one sixty-fourth Cherokee but he's lying the instruction was very clearly everyone line up alphabetically by race so it's a church server was used to it they were like we know and speaking of okay so we meet our hero here, who I have as elderly

Mr. Bean the first time he appears. And this is a sloppy exposition. The first thing he does is pick up a picture of his dead wife that he misses. So he's got a dead wife. We're going to establish that about 31 times. So this is a deep cut and it We're going to establish that about 31 times. So this is a deep cut and it's a real problem for me, but this is the only thing I have in my notes over and over again. The main character of this movie looks exactly the fuck like Peter Begozian. Oh, God, he does. He looks to the point where I like Google image Peter Begozian again. And I was like, Oh oh my God, Peter Begozyn was in a Christian movie.

Look, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? He's not doing anything. I can't tweet at him. I can't tweet and be like, hey man, do you ever do any acting? So I just like panicked in my head until eventually they had slightly different face shapes enough.

But throughout this, I'm just like alternate universe, Peter Begozyn. That is all that I can see. And kept expecting him to talk about street epistemology. It was very upsetting. It was very, very upsetting. I also was upset that he didn't talk about street epistemology. Would have made a much better movie. Yeah, like honestly, all my notes at the beginning

are just like, the editing is making me dizzy. I've never hated editing so quickly. Did they only have four seconds of consecutive usable footage at any one time? Yeah. Also, again, we've seen this scene so many times where the pastor comes out and he's like, Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm moving to Black Ocelania. And so I get bored during these scenes at this point. So I play a little game called what they could use this space for that isn't a church,

but would still be better. And for this scene I decided cafeteria for kids with peanut allergies. Hey, there you go. You can have their own separate cafeteria. Well done. Also, okay, so the one important thing we got in this this frenetic series of Sunday morning service shots is that there is a smiley blonde girl in the audience and she's smiling. Yeah, and she's next. It's really weird.

She's that we're going to find out it's her sister that she's next to and they're the two contrasting girls from three some porn right. Right. Yes. You got smiley blonde girl and you got Latina, Al Smores set and they're gonna be two of the main characters Astros daughters also. There's this terrible moment here. He gets up and It's just maybe it's just me because I've mc'd before but the guy everyone applauds for the choir and then they stop applauding And then he comes out and he goes how about a round of applause for the choir and it was like a

Fuck and I was just like dude you, you gotta keep it going for the point. Oh, yeah, a lot of applause. Yeah, a lot of applause. Amateur, fuck. And this is definitely a thing with Christian movies as he goes, now, Charlie probably would have rather Facebooked or emailed me, huh? Get it?

We're hip, hip hop pose, like he puts his hat on. And he goes, anyways, after that shenanigans, do you know a, sorry about your dead wife? It's the weirdest tonal shift you could possibly add. Right. A very strange letter that he reads. Yeah. Do you know, I'd like to name some important pieces of information.

Your wife is dead. That's one. Another conflict is that my inner city, church, he's a new pastor. those are the premises of this movie love Charlie and I do want to point out that yes the main character's name is Noah that bothered the fuck out of me throughout so yeah Charlie's church is having trouble and they need a pastor and since he's a pastor he's gonna do it and I love to because he says of Charlie at this point,

he's like, I met Charlie when he was just a boy, he could have done anything after college. But instead, instead of doing anything, he started a missionary. And that's what's so fucking funny is they don't seem to recognize how much they have just admitted the worthlessness of their endeavor by saying, yeah, he could have done something meaningful

but no but no he's also he calls him bright and i just want to throw out there bright is a code that racist white people use for black people in jones i never called an adult bright right if it goes two plus two is far i go man that kids bright and if a black person says something on the news and your grandma wants to say that she agreed with it she calls him bright. Those are the two uses of the word bright. Yeah, he's very eloquent. And we're right. Yeah, he speaks so well.

Yeah, bright boy. The white boy has Calvin Candy would say. The light. And also this is because this movie starts off with this very prolonged choir thing and this very prolonged sermon and i wrote like holy fuck this movie is this boring as being religious ha ha, the Latina girl, is understandably surprised and horrified that her dad is like, hey, I'm about to knock out a note from my old friend, Charlie, so I'm going to move. Super happy birthday.

Yeah, the voices in my head told me. So they're about to have dinner. And this is a bizarre scene because they're about to have dinner. the the blind girl says, hey, should I go get my sister? And the dad's like, nah, fuck it. Let's eat while the food's still warm. No, don't do it. She's a different race than the rest of the family. We're cleaners and she's half dug Henning and half giraffe.

So, yeah. So, they start to say their, their grace or whatever and the sister shows up mid-prayer like a satanist would. Right. And he like turns grace into a little side, I think, and he's like, oh, and PS, give us grace to put up with people who are late for fucking dinner. Man. And we also get reinforced that the mom's that it's like and give us grace your dead mom's name

yes and there she's dead this is how in name and stupid the dialogue of the younger sister is like what this scene is supposed to establish is like young sisters happy to go big sisters unhappy to go and the way they express it the younger sister goes do you think there will be a pool we could dig one if there's not? That's a hole. That's not a fucking pool, you idiot. That's a wet hole. Yeah, maybe we'll address as a construction worker giving directions to a cement truck. All right, laying a foundation, I told you I fucking meant it.

I also love this too, because the Alexa, the older daughter says, well, you know, the dad's like, oh, it'll be a great adventure. It'll be a lot of fun. And Alexa goes, well, maybe you could have asked if I wanted to go on a stupid adventure, to which the little sister says, that's a bad word to which all of us wrote in our notes, which one? Which of those words are you objecting to? we all swear so much that none of us recognize that some people think stupid is a bad word. Oh, it's not literally had no idea. It must have it had to be stupid I think this little sister is secretly Testing the movie by being impossibly stupid

I think I think it's like a subtle veiled protest was. She already signed the contract, but yeah, no, I get it. She's doing the patent-nose well thing of holding perfectly still when he wasn't talking on King of Queens. I get it. I'm just going to watch her that patent didn't want to be on the show anymore, so he helped perfectly still whenever he wasn't speaking in group scenes. It's fucking phenomenal. I'm on TNT.

So, and now we have to get him like packing and this movie is so a B C D no no no no no no we're gonna do E before we get the F so much so that during this scene where they're like loading up to leave and by the way they're moving with like whatever six suitcases worth of shit. But as they're loading up to leave we have to watch the neighbors show up to give them some baked goods for the road. Guys, this is going to pay off. Remember the neighbors. It pays off in a huge fucking way. Lock it in. You got posted in your mind. You probably listen to this on your phone, right? Open a new note. The neighbors pay off. Write it

down. It's going to be hard to follow. You've seen momentum. This movie is the momentum of Christian movies. Holy shit. And also look, this scene could not more be framed like a home movie. You know, this was definitely the director said, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna try from across the street. Do it again. Do it again. So yeah, everybody waves them off. The music note here I have is I'm significantly more likely to let you fuck me if you listen to me sing. Uh, my music note here is music to cheat on your husband with your cap aware instructor too.

Oh, so love it. Just a reinforce and we will do this over and over again. How mentally deficient the younger daughter is they're driving into the city, right? They're moving to urbanville. They never tell you what city it is but you know anyway there are black people there that's how we know it's a city and the younger daughter says why are there no trees like she's never seen a movie with a city in it well but the older daughter goes because trees only exist where life is and black people kill trees. And the

debt turns around and is like, oh, Lexa. And I wanted her to be like, what? It's a white genocide, dad. W plus O equals O dad. I'm going to tweet you for my four accounts. What does that equation mean? So we got to this so we get to the uh... we get a little wrong side of the tracks montage uh... as they're arriving in their new home and this is the first time we see this son of a bitch park uh... head on park uh... this is what happens to a society when people had on park uh... it's fucking pandemon He's like three car links the way

at the front of the car, like four at the back. That's awful. You wouldn't last a day in my town. Great, he wasn't even up on the curb. I don't get to see you guys are talking about. I hate it so much. I hate you. I hate him.

That bothered me so much. More than I thought it would. But they do that like three or four times in the movie. They show him parking and it's like, no. There should be a trigger warning or four times in the movie. They show him parking and it's like, no, there should be a trade of warning at the beginning of the scene. So they show up and they're now at the mission.

And they do this thing. Okay. So this is where we're going to meet Charlie and Charlie is doing the stupid movie only thing where like people walk up and you hear footsteps. So you deliver a monologue to those footsteps without seeing who belongs to them. Oh, I do this. I've been mugged several times because of it. I just, listen, if you're not here with a blowjob

in a background, I'm not the guy you're looking for. Oh, hey, mom, sorry, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I don't, they don't turn around and react to noises like a person or a dog. And then your mom mugged you? Is that how? That's okay.

Interesting. So the butterfly knife. That's where this movie needed it was more butterfly knives. Anyway, so yeah, and also, okay, so this is where I guess they haven't, Charlie hasn't seen them since they were kids or whatever. He turns immediately to the older daughter and he goes like, wow, Alexa, last time I saw you, I had to feel guilty about wanting to fuck you, but no, it's okay now, it's okay, glad to see it.

And this guy, like, if you told me that they had to like inflate this fucking actor before each scene, I would not have been surprised. The acting of this guy is so, it's like watching a balloon sort of try to get out a window but not quite make it every time he's on screen. You're talking about Charlie. Yeah, yeah.

He's not comfortable with the location of any of his body parts throughout this way. He has a lot of show. He keeps moving around like he's like naked at school in a nightmare And he doesn't know what to do where anything goes and he talks like he's got a dead body buried under floorboards like I ground post story. Yeah, it's really weird. I kept waiting for that to pay off I kept waiting for like another character to be clumsy or something like that And I got like 10 minutes away for the end of this movie and I turned to my wife and I was like,

it's weird, like, how do you think this is gonna pay off? And she was like, oh, he just can't act. And I was like, no. Like they kept all the takes. And she was like, yeah, no, they just kept all the takes. And I was like, no. And she was like, why are you surprised? It's the episode 72.

No, he was painfully bad. And then, okay, and this is a pretty weird scene, right? So he takes him inside to see the place where they're going to be moving, they're going to be living at this mission or whatever. And, you know, we've seen this, it not just in Christian movies, but in movies in general, a number of times where the families move into the really bad slummy place or whatever. But the house they go into is goddamn gorgeous. And huge. Huge. Yeah.

But like expensive antique furniture. Everything's like polished wood. It's just an absolutely gorgeous location. And it's just like, aren't they supposed to be going to the slums? And we're detailed on this house. It has crosses Everywhere like carved into everything like like cobra commander would have cobra

Alaskurbian man or something yeah, and he looks around and he's like, oh, you've done a pretty good job of Keeping this mansion up and I'm like, yeah, man, he's done a really fucking good job. Well, also, I love this too, because this is the weirdest non-answer to a question that wasn't a apologist related, that I think we've ever gotten, because Noah turns to Charlie and he goes, so how does the mission work? And Charlie looks at him as though he would just have been asked how a screwdriver works, right? He's like, you know, we ask people for stuff and, and, and, they give it. Sometimes they say, yes. And, and, and, and, too. He says, you know, we used to have a pastor that preached every other Sunday, but he's gone on to his great reward.

Well, here's the crazy thing. And he goes, oh, I'm sorry to hear that. And he goes, nah, he moved to Vegas. Yeah. What a weird way to introduce that your pastor moved away. Like that. be a strange people were like Oh, whatever happened. Oh, he's dead really? No, no, I'm just kidding. I lied to you. I pretended a human was gone But he's not he's not here anymore. I'll pretend you're dead if you leave that's what I'm telling Everyone I can't see is dead to me every one I can't see is dead to me. And also, and apparently they had no fucking clue how to end this scene because the younger daughter, Brianna, we find out her name is eventually is upstairs and we hear her scream,

which I thought, hey, this movie's taking a great turn. There was like a crack addict up there in the room or whatever but no she saw a spider and now no I have to go kill the spider and they seem to be convinced that there was comedy somehow involved in that yeah I wrote my notes oh Breonna got taken he's gonna I have a very specific set of skills anyone there wants me to lie of them about a very old badly translated book who would give my daughter back? no all right i'll go back to praying so yes so now it's time for service at the mission

and it's so almost empty guys that's why they kept showing us those frenetic shots of the crowd at his last church so we could contrast it and understand when there's only seven people sitting in the pews it's bad. Yeah, I know it's scattered applause the movie. Also if you want to play along my use for this giant room that wasn't a church but was still better, yoga studio. Oh, they are going to resonate with the universe. And yeah, so Brianna is in the front row.

This is the younger daughter. So you remember we were talking about how she's just, has ridiculous things to say and expressions. Here she's just smiling like an idiot at everything, like an old lady watching her cat get married. She's like nodding and crazy smiling at everything that's said. That could describe her smile constantly. Man, you shouldn't use pets getting married

as an example of something crazy, though you should use something silly so people will understand because when pets get married, especially if they're pregnant, it's important that people know that they're married. And also, okay. So I had already written the bit

about how segregated the choir seemed at the beginning of this movie. They had like, you know, it was sort of a rainbow of skin to you is moving from left to right or whatever. So when we see these, the shots of the pew and they, I mean, obviously they had to know they were doing this. The two, the daughters, the two non-black people in the room are sitting way on one side of the pew's. And all the black people are sitting in the rear view on the other side. Yep. Like a fucking bus in Alabama in 1950.

And they are reacting to the church, uh, blackly, while all the white people are not, which is fucking insane, right? Because he's like, thank you all so much for coming in the white people are politely nodding, but these two black ladies are like, oh, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Yeah, and oh my God, boy, do they double down on this after the sermon. Like he walks over to the two old black ladies and like, he's like, boy, you guys sure are a lot of fun. Anybody want to have you ever, have you ever hummed on some white balls? Yeah, for real.

I said, I like where this is going, little reverse Oreo action going on, because seriously, the first thing she says is she goes, I hear your single. My sister needs a husband. So like, seriously, you into dark meat? What's the deal, Reverend? She's going right away. And also they sell it to you like that's where they're going for quite a while. So she grabs them by the hand and she says, Pastor, I need you to help me with something.

It's my he leans in really close and she goes, grandson and I'm like, damn. Oh, it definitely felt like prostate massage. Yeah, he definitely did a little finger thing creepy. No, you need to release. But yeah, no, what she really needs is an old white man to go save her gangster son from the streets or her grandson anyway. Whose name is Toby. I liked it better when they were named T unit and Krutter. Murder face.

I really hope this actor started an argument with the writers about getting a different name, like just to force them to say it. My name is going to get it. All right. So so yeah so the pastor heads off to find Toby and we know that because that's what they were talking about at the end of the last scene. Oh my fucking god this

movie whatever they're talking about at the end of the last scene is what we're gonna get in the next scene. Yeah exactly this is like 24 but somehow more boring than the first two episodes of the season. You know the first two episodes are 24. They're always like, look, we're doing time. Watch Kiefer, Sutherland have coffee. It's like that, but it's the terrorists never come. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. It's like 24 if nothing happened.

You're the one getting tortured. So also, okay. So he shows up to find Toby who's hanging out with a bunch of hoodlums on a porch and they're gambling. What are they playing? It's supposed to be cards. You see cards right away. They're playing high card wins. That's literally what they said. That's, I mean, that's stupid. High card wins is a dumb get, but it's also not even what they're doing. If they were playing high card wins in reality, they wouldn't just be passing around cards and dollars with no system to it. They're just like throwing stuff at each, it makes no sense. And he tells everyone to ante up. So this is an anti-ing system of high card wins. Also, there would be a deck not just the four cards we see. One of the gentlemen will grab one of them and offer it to him like, hey man, do you want to see how high you can get your card?

You don't know how gambling works. Well, it's like watching Muslims put together an alcohol montage. Yeah, they might as well have been gambling to ice spy with my little eye or the sharing game. Oh, you didn't say Simon says, pay up bitch. Every name and letter alphabetical order wins M X R a Fuck fuck. I knew I should say we always lose all right now you can only say a once out of every three times You can't always do a

But if someone else says a you can say a number, you can say blank. So yeah, so they're all hanging out gambling and hoodlombing and whatnot. And an elderly white man shows up and they're like, are you a cop? And he goes, no. And they're like, okay, well, then there's really no normal reason for you to be here is there? Yes.

And I need to point out something very, very important. The extras, every time this sort of black gang shows up, are the single greatest comedic performance of this or any century. You have to watch it. Again, it's not a good movie. It's not worth watching. But get on Netflix.

Get on Netflix. Scroll through. Because the extras very clearly thought slow motion hip hop dance was the way to do big they're just like they strike a series of poses and are always doing some weird hey macarena yeah well you know that's because the director was standing in the back going stand blacker black You're not dead. Don't you guys cross your arms or something your jeans be backwards like criss-cross Not also there's this weird moment when he goes well then get out of here and the pastor like walks away and pauses and

We all have some version of go back and challenge him to a dance off because that's what I thought I'd be like alright guys tell you what and I'm going to say and every time. Okay, so here's the thing is that I had not let yet learned the rules of this movie. So I honestly thought he was about to like win their affection by showing him how awesome he was at high card. Like I thought he was going to be like, I'm going to have to fuck these kids up at high card and show him what's what. But no, because that would require something happening. So he just walks away. And then, and now we're going to go back to that in just a second, but first we have to like cut back to the daughters

Who like you know so that we can once more reinforce that older daughter Alexis not too happy about this move and retarded daughter Brianna is Smiling about it. Yeah, an older daughter seems to be wearing like a maternity dress in this scene That's yeah, she's supposed to be unpacking, but she's wearing this weird wrap She's supposed to be unpacking but she's wearing this weird wrap Shall thing and her sister comes in and she's like I help you unpack human. I mean we are Humans refer to each other in this way all the time I chose you I chose no time to bite So yeah, so we get a little bit of that conflict is very important that we reestablish that and then we cut back to Toby who's now leaving the big

high-card tournament and apparently the pastor has just been sitting in his car waiting for Toby to leave so I can pick him off one at a time Toby goes hey man are you stalking me I'm like yes that is exactly what is happening right here no what's the xylophone for wider okay yes well and see what's so funny here is like the intended audience for this movie sees a dedicated pastor but I see a cult member trying on successfully to get out. And I just see a full grown man waiting for a teenage boy to be separated from the family. And I have tips for him.

That's what I said. I have some advice. And there's this, it's just a tiny moment, but he goes back to his car. He can't get Toby. He goes back to his car and he's got a flat tire, right? And he looks up and he goes you're testing me huh but I honestly thought that he was doing like a oh you it's just a really weird pseudo comedic moment yeah so dad comes home to sad Mexican guitar and swelling strings yeah my music note here was some Mexican guys just got on the subway at 125th and they're going

to be here until 59th so I got to turn on my podcast and smile because I don't carry cash because I'm not a fucking drug dealer. That's very nice. It sounds so different from your other songs. So different. But of course this scene has to be interrupted because Charlie needs help putting tools near the metal box downstairs. So yeah, so and of course, so they get down there and this is this is the big taco Tuesday moment, but it opens with Noah saying to Charlie like, man, how have

you survived so long around so many non whites? Because again, like they keep like, oh, this is a really bad neighborhood. This is a really bad neighborhood throughout this movie. But like indoors and out this place is gorgeous. The only thing that makes it a bad neighborhood quote unquote is the fact that there's so many non white people around Absolutely and they never except for one character which isn't in this specific neighborhood. No one ever indicates that they're like anything but fine Yeah, they just keep looking at people like every time a black person walks into their church and they're like anything but fine. Yeah, they just keep looking at people like every time a black person walks into their church they're like, oh God, take it all, take it all.

No man, I'm just here to go to church. Oh yeah, no, this is, this church is for you too. So well spoken and bright. Surprise. And this is where we learn how Charlie runs the show here or whatever. He's fixing the thing. He's just like waving tools vaguely in the area of metal box. And he explains that my business degree helps keep the place afloat. Yeah. What? That's not how diplomas work. They have no cash value. coupons are worth more than diplomas. What? Well, and then, and this is supposed to be apparently this is supposed

to be a big moment like where he shows his, his, his, his stuff as a preacher because he goes like, you know what, be a good idea is having like a like a Tuesday dinner And Charlie's like oh my fucking god. Yeah holy shit that blew my my Dinner my god. I've been telling people if I see them here on Tuesday. I'll kill them I know this when you first walked in but I just was delivering monologues without looking at people so Yeah, that sounds way better than just continuing to stare into the front trunk of a car That what that's called a front trunk. I call it a front trunk Also tiny comedic note about this scene. They're doing like a banter back and forth at the end of it

He goes all right Well, if I'm gonna cook then you're gonna clean and the pastor's like no you clean You're the the Hispanic fuck you. Also a fun thing here because Brianna does chime in with I'm happy wherever we are. This is where in the movie you can start shouting shut the fuck up Brianna and it works. If you'd like to play along and know some people watch the movies, all of Brianna's lines work with shut the fuck upihanna. Yeah. She smiles back like an idiot. Yeah, right. No, I just I had my notes. Somebody needs to slap Rihanna with a black man's cock and I'm volunteering

to do it. I just need a black man to help. So and of course they're getting ready for Taco Tuesday or whatever at this point. And there's an incredible moment in this scene where Carlos comes in because he's just dropped all the taco shells and he goes, I guess tonight it's taco salad. That's okay because Mexican food is all the same ingredients. And I wrote in my notes, that's his one. Well, if it wasn't so fucking true, maybe, but yeah, that's pretty good. Well, we don't get one if it's true. Well, then this show is about to change

trapping everybody so yeah and then of course the pastor goes like well i guess i should let everyone in because nothing can be implied in this fucking movie they can't just suddenly have people start showing up we have to watch him go over and open the door to let the enormous crowd of people that are there for Taco Tuesday in one at a time. And were they just waiting outside? We were a bouncer out there where there's like less attractive homeless people. They got sent to the back of the line.

Nah man, private party. Oh, come on, dude. I just saw you let like six girls in private party. Yeah. Why do I wear a suit? And also they do this a number of times in this movie. So I just want to point this one out. And I think this is like the second time they do it. But Charlie turns to to know and he goes, wow, I don't know if we've got enough food. Maybe you could pray to God to multiply the food.

And they have this little tee. That doesn't happen in real life except in our book Which is totally not laughable where it totally really happened but over and over again they joke around like yeah Maybe God could help teee when though that ain't gonna happen right no, but then grandma I don't walks in with Mac and cheese which again Super and it is a Super racist moment that is very tonally weird. She walks in, she's like, now y'all can't be eating without grandma, otters, muck and cheese.

Yeah, no, my note here is like, at least it wasn't colored greens and welfare checks. That's really the only step they could have taken that would have made that scene more uncomfortable for me. I really want nachos and mac and cheese, colored greens and welfare checks. Hahaha. Weirdly enough, that's always in Heath's notes

when we do these movies. It's just this is the first time that's made sense. Yeah. Normally, we cut it out, but you got to say it. It's just, So, okay, so now we, and this, I had a little trouble. Maybe there was a problem with the editing,

but I had a little trouble with this because then we cut to everybody in the pews eating soup. So I assume that this is like another day and now they're having soup, but no. Apparently the meal was we're all gonna have taco salad in this room and then we're gonna move into this other room and have soup because apparently this is the same day still. Right, and now it's not talk, talk about who's day when it was proposed

was like hey this is how people find out about the church but now it's got sort of a homeless people's soup kitchen vibe yeah and so what's the why is it for poor people is it for humans what we're there's a difference up There's a difference So and then of course this is where we have to like you we have to reinforce the grandma Ida story or whatever so The pastor Noah walks up to grandma Ida and she's sitting with this little kid and and it has to get rid of the little kids So he's like hey Dwayne you're about my daughters age you want to go tap some white ass? Sears right over there. That's what he's like it looks like my daughter's ready for some kank. You get where I'm going.

You pick it up when I'm laying down, Dwayne. Go get some. Go on, get out of that. Go get yourself some racist tweets. And he's like, can I grandma? Can I? Yeah, go ahead and fuck his mentally disabled daughter. It has a date for her.

Yeah, good. Believe me, it shows smile throughout. And of course, they have this little episode where he, he turns to grandma, I, good. Believe me, she'll smile throughout. And of course, they have this little episode where he turns to grandma. And he's like, grandma, you seem busy. Are you going to die? And she's like, yeah, but not until act three. It'll be fine. Right.

She's dying of plotitis. Exactly. Information of the plot. Got an operable, dizzy thing. A doctor's filter, apparently. And this is where we clumsily resolve the fact that the daughters are two different races she goes so I heard that your daughter is adopted and I'm like from who is that right we're walking around hey and make sure you have some you know some soup also by the way

not his real daughter just just found that uh... the cake is over there on that table but my notes all that's why she's a different race and so on grateful but well yet because he's like oh yeah we found her one of the shit hole his panic countries so and she was in an orphanage you know and boy i and this at this line bother me so much he goes know, a girl in that situation can easily go down the wrong path. And what he means is get rape and sold into sex slavery.

But like, that's not her going down a path, right? He's not her fault. Like, yeah, she could be led into kidnap. Exactly. And again, I just reaction there is not like, that's a weird thing to say about your adopted daughter. It's just like, you did such a good job. And I will say, because I'm from an adoptive family, my baby sister's adopted.

And that is, it's not just a movie trope, but it's a weird people trope thing, is that we'll talk about my little sister and people will be like, you are so wonderful. You saved her. And I'm just like like that's a strange thing to say. Her reaction is upsetting. Yeah, exactly, exactly. You were thinking about my little sister being sold into sex slavery. I don't know if you were enjoying it, but you were definitely thinking about it. So fuck you.

Do you know what it was like for her before? No, I don't, man. What are you doing? Cut it out. And of course, he has to show up and remind all of these poor people eating all of their food that, uh, you know, this isn't just a handout. You also have to Jesus. So he comes up to the stage and says, Hey, remember guys, get your belly's fed on Tuesdays, but get your souls fed on Sundays. Right. Which I felt like was a vague threat for like, well, well, you know, not enough people show up on Sunday.

Maybe we'll have to stop doing this free food on Tuesdays. Homeless people need it. Right. For a tall run out of taco salad because nobody comes on Sundays. And you could just see because they all like applaud for the free food. And then he's like, and we've got church on Sunday. And they're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Sunday's aren't good because football.

So yeah, so no, okay, so we cut to the following day and I guess we're all getting sick and tired of the Alexa having this monochromatic, I'm pissed attitude. So we have to resolve that in the script. And the way we do that is the dad shows up and says, hey, you should hang up Christmas lights all day. What a lucky girl. Yeah, but he's gilting the shit out of it. Oh, yes. He's saying, hang up the Christmas decorations. You know, like you used to do with dead mom and little sister, dead mom, hang them up, be guilty. And yeah, so she has to. Yeah, right. Like, it basically is pitch here is like, if your dead mom was around,

she would want you hanging up these Christmas decorations. Wouldn't she? Daughter who is still alive. Exactly. And by the way, the music note here, like, once she decides to do it is weird, like sexy Egyptian lady is going to do a dance for you. It is not like it inspired. It's not like, did it, did it, did it. Like inspiring, it's just like buying, think, think, think, think, think, think,

it's a fucking weird sound choice. It threw me off a tremendous amount. Yeah, there were several times when the soundtrack was saying, there's a killer right around that corner, but the movie wasn't a killer kangaroo. Well, right. Hellbound kangaroo, callback to episode one. Callback to episode one. Exactly.

So, okay, so like Noah and Charlie have to go fix a pipe, which is, I'm sure a euphemism for smoke some crack. And I guess the daughters are going to hang up the Christmas decorations. But again, because this movie is so clumsily edited, we get them arriving like they're coming back from fixing the pipe but you would think they were arriving to fix the pipe but no they're coming back so we can see how good a job Alexa did putting up all these Christmas decorations. Right. And the intro line there is I think you let that pipe burst all over that woman on purpose

and they're like, no, well, to get a baptism, right? And it's just like, wait, you let a sewage pipe burst all over a like they've never addressed that. I wanted a flash cut to some woman just soaked in urine and shamping like, well, I'm not going to that fucking church. Gross. Well, I honestly expected the reply line to be, you know, like, oh, you, I think you let that pipe burst all over that woman on purpose

And he says well, you know, I figured the God awful movie guys would need some sploge jokes so Yeah, so so they walk in and apparently Alexa, you know, we whatever hanging up Christmas decorations Is the cure for neglectful parenting because now she's happy and her and Brianna love each other again And Brianna gets to put the star on the top of the tree because she's so special. And she is terrible at this, right? She is. Can we talk about the fact that like this is a movie and they had more than one shot and Brianna is just like, I don't know. No. For a solid three minutes of screen time you just watch someone be like uh... did it go in the front

have a bit of i i'll put it on me and then you lower me on to the fucking so then we cut to charlie and no i'll cross crossing bill problems off of our christian movie bingo card talking once more about how the mission is not doing too well not at one point out that generally in a movie where we focus constantly on how the bills aren't getting paid and were in financial trouble now at some point in the movie like something happens so that won't be a problem anymore

that will not happen in this film no the people who wrote this movie forgot about this scene makes no sense it starts first of all Charlie pulls a coffee pot out of nowhere, out of the invisible void. It makes no sense. And he's got a coffee pot, whatever, it doesn't matter. And then they start talking about, yeah, like the, he says, maybe we can move something around in the budget. Now, what budget?

Yeah, their income is stuff they give away. There's no business model. You can't, there's not a, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So, and now, and then all of a sudden, Toby shows up because grandma needs his help. She's dying of, we couldn't make it till act three. It's hard to tell. He runs in like last year and you can't really understand everything. Oh, yeah. His grandma, I had to down a well boy. Yeah, no, but he says, have you called 911 to which Toby says she doesn't want a doctor.

She wants anything else that's terrifying. Ha the dog mobile. Get mine in the mess. Again, let's emphasize, grandma in this movie, good guy in this movie, chooses pastor over medicine, all the other good guys, endorse that decision. And we're gonna double down on that in this next scene,

where he walks in and she's just like sitting in bed and he's like, you need a doctor and she goes, no, I don't need a doctor. I want to die now. She does. She says, like, I don't want a bunch of machines and tubes. I want to go right to heaven. Again, if there was nothing wrong with Christianity except this, it would be enough. She explains the left side. This is her words, not mine. The left side of my body don't work the same anymore. That's bad. That's bad. I feel like we should get that check. Also, she's not like suffering and

screaming. She's just like, I could die. I wanted it to be like, yeah, that sounds familiar. The left side thing, but you know, you people have different strokes than we do. I'm going to call an ambulance to figure it out. He's like, no, an ambulance ready to die. Yeah, but of course he has to pray with her while she dies, the slightly droopy death. But first she says, hey, can you take care of Toby and Dwayne while I'm going? And he's like, yeah, we'll just have a whole like mesegenated Brady bunch over at my place.

Now let me pray with you as you slowly droop over the death Right and literally she is speaking totally normally and she's totally fine And then as he prays she dies and I wrote my notes. Oh fuck he can kill people by praying for him Where's that movie? Because superhero just happens to kill everyone he prays for running around town don't make me do it man You're safe now. Crazy billionaire money. So, uh, so, so now she's dead and he has to go out on the porch to tell everybody she's dead. And of course, because these filmmakers seem to think that there is no mental difference between two and 13, the younger brother Dway, has to say, how come everybody's crying?

To wish the pastor says, well, your grandma's in no pain anymore. To wish Dwayne says, you mean you cured her? Right. And he's like, no man, she's dead. And he's like, you mean like nobody buys her albums anymore? She's not alive anymore, right? So she's records ahead of time. Is that what you're saying? Okay, Dwayne. We have an issue here.

Then he literally just turns to Dwayne until being like, so you guys are my kids now. No paperwork or anything. No. So they just let us take you. I guess we're going with the that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that you guys and then we'll be all set. Okay. Could you some advantage? No, it'll be good. It'll be good. So, yeah, Toby runs off because he doesn't want to go live at the mission. And that's so that we can get multiple fucking scenes of Pastor Noah wandering through bad, quote unquote, read black neighborhoods hoping to find Toby. And in night cowboying around looking for Toby. Well, and look I mean as they throw this montage together. I shit you not occasionally. He's looking up

Like watch the montage again. He's looking at like he's looking for a human being You think he's perched on a power line on one leg somewhere? It's fucking insane. Just watch this montage and keep in mind the entire time. He's looking for a human who would be standing in human places. That Toby Nas just Disney-crows too. Yeah. Oh my god. They are not racist.

I have it on good authority. Also, weird, weird. Again, weird music choice here. My music though here is Toby and Eli are making sweet love on dark-rate. Because this is not looking for someone musings like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM Walking around in a black neighborhood for more than three minutes in this movie someone wants to car jack him and Basically the mugger runs up to him and he goes hey man Are you a man of the cloth and I wrote yeah, meth head mugger is very often know the term man of the cloth Well, yeah, cuz that's his whole thing. He's like you know here's a knife. Give me your car

He's like you wouldn't rob a pastor would you yeah? Like anyone would give a fuck. Right, and then he goes like, oh, okay, you're a pastor. So what are you doing, a rent like he makes fucking fuck off. Right. What are you doing?

He's like, oh, I'm looking for Toby. And he's like, oh, cool, cool. And he's like, so you're gonna steal my van or you're gonna let me look for Toby. And I wanted him so badly to be like, well, I can steal your van and you can still look for Toby. It's not an either or but you need the car to look for Toby. Yeah, but apparently this street thug is very impressed with how passionate he is about

his flock so Alex not to stab him to death or steal his minivan or let's say he yeah he apologizes't walks off and again i cannot emphasize enough how little the stakes for this movie matter everything that gets brought up everyone's just like and then just move it's a little weird west and pseudo west anderson world where everyone's just totally unaffected by everything that had to be right it's not because he then gets a

cell phone call from his daughter, right? And she's like, Dad, we need to talk about if I can go live with my aunt and he's not like, honey, guess what? Some guy just threatened to fucking stab me. He's like, no, no, no, no, let's talk about your college future. Yeah, what? It's such a bizarre fucking contrast. And again, it's because nothing matters in this movie

so there can be no progression. But yeah, no, it's because nothing matters in this movie so there can be no progression, but yeah, no It's fucking painful, but the movie wants to make sure yet again that we know the pastor prizes his messages from God over the Best interest of his daughter's education because his daughter is saying like if I go live with that Janet I can finish up the school I was already in and I can continue like I can work for her company make a little money Now it's a little weird because she says I can work for her over the summer and make enough money to go to college. I'm like, oh, they paid $900 an hour to her company, but at any rate.

But the dad is just like, no, no, fuck the future in college. I want you here. And we, as audience members, you're supposed to go, good job, dad. Right, and he goes, I mean, look, if you need help paying for college, because I guess you go to go to college,

I can like get a side gig somewhere, I guess. So I'll sign it, Quiznos. Yeah. Something there. So now that that importance scene is over, we cut to 549 AM, where the younger daughter is awoken by a sound downstairs, turns out jungle love, junior is having some early morning serial and would like to have a pajama party with her as he does so. by a sound downstairs turns out jungle love junior is having some early morning cereal and would like to have a pajama party with her as he does so.

Yeah, and usually when I watch videos like this, Andrew makes me clarify that I'm joking about watching videos like this. So he likes joking about watching videos like this. But yeah, so there, the sexual tension though between these characters is very palpable. You have to admit they're having a little party and he's like, oh, where's the bulls? She's like, oh, they're right here in this cabinet in the camera frame. Here's the bull my grandma's dead my mom's dead Oh my gosh, let's fuck on this Ouija board together. Yeah Also, there's this crazy moment where she goes well

When's the last time you saw her and he goes last last Christmas, and I wanted her to be like, I gave her my heart, but the very next day she died anyway, but no, it was very much a lead into last Christmas. Yeah, yeah. So, then, so that important scene is over. And now, so now we cut to the sisters out shopping together. With a bag of pant pennies like a bitch. Oh my gosh. Brianna again, who I hate and recommend shouting shut the fuck up Brianna has a bag of pennies

were for them to go shopping together at the local bodega. Like it's just a bodega, but they make it like a she's like, are you ready to go shopping? I figure they're going to do a mom on top of some pies. Nope. Just a corner store. Corner store, 7-11. Well, okay, and this scene is so weird for so many reasons. So we've established that the sister wants a job and there's a help wanted sign there.

So she goes to the Asian lady that runs the store and there's this weird like, no, you're not tough enough, you know, take it close off. Let's see how tight's the ass or whatever. There's this weird casting couch moment that she has with her. It's very strange. Azen lady wants her to snatch the cricket from her hand for a job to like kick the shit out of her. She's like, you get fall punches. If I, if my knee touches the ground, you can be a cashier here. If you could take the green destiny sword from her in three moves. Yeah, and I just, my notes are just scrolled

with holy fuck does this movie have pointless scenes. We couldn't have implied that she, yeah. But again, there's nothing, the movie has nothing to say. There's nothing like more important that we were skipping out on. And then Brianna tries to buy a bag of chips with pennies and I wrote my notes, kill her. Kill her. We've done multiple movies about rapists at this point and I hate Brianna the most.

She gets run over by a head on Parker. I hate. Okay, so now, okay, so we go to this next scene which the point of this scene is that the child protective services lady shows up to Explain that black people are not like a block box full of puppies But before we get to that we have one of these great painful efforts at precene dialogue Like we're supposed to catch Alexa and Noah in the middle a little dad daughter dialogue, and it's just like so College applications are a thing Yeah, they are a thing they are I have filled out I will fill out when

College time Ding oh thank god Jesus Oh my god, I was I was throwing my mouth. I was so terrified. And I have to point this out because this is just from a filmmaking perspective. This was so insane. He goes to answer the door. And it's the lady from Child Protective Services. She's here for their blacks.

But for like a solid 45 seconds of this conversation, neither of the two characters conversing are on screen or just still looking at Alexa sitting in the living room as he goes to the door. 45 seconds of this conversation. Neither of the two characters conversing are on screen. We're just still looking at Alexa sitting in the living room as he goes to the door and eventually they wander in. Right. Just new characters brand new characters. Yeah, exactly. And we have to talk about the child protective services chick because Holy fuck is she hot? Oh, I, okay, not only is she super hot, but she is wearing the worst most fake wig we have seen in any of these movies.

To the extent that I was like, she's gonna pull off her wig and reveal that she's the dead mom. Like, that was my actual theory. Cause her wig was so fake, I was like, why? And she also acts super suspicious. There's lots of moments where she does like weird side things., I was like, why? And she also acts super suspicious. There's lots of moments where she does like weird side things.

And I was like, okay, this is the dead mom here to reveal herself. Like it comes back into, but no, it just, it's just a terrible wig on a very attractive lady. Yeah, so but she's there to ask about these children that he's adopted by fiat or whatever, dibs or whatever whatever and she's like, okay, can I see the kids? He's like, yeah, uh, the one who I know where is. Sure. Yeah, he literally goes, well, Dwayne is, uh, outside and Toby is my, I'm sorry. Outside. I said Dwayne was outside. You're bad listener

And she's very confused. She's like so you want to become their legal guardian and he's like yes Okay, so we're not done you have to like apply and do like growing up paperwork stuff Yeah, no, I mean if you want to adopt these kids, you don't just like lick them, so nobody else wants them. You got to like, do a bad job of chatting. He's like, oh no, no, I can do that. I can totally do that.

And she's like, and bring your house up to code. And he's like, oh yeah, probably should have a house that's up to code. And I was like, what's okay. I didn't know what that meant, because I don't need to hurt of it in terms of like, when you were selling your house, so I looked it up. The requirements for child protective services but like to have your house up to code are like no exposed wiring. Especially if it's not a baby.

Like the fact that this house is not up to code for child protective services means that there's like black mold in the ceiling. Yeah, right. Sporing from the gutters into the child's bed. Just has to beat an orphanage, right? Yeah, it hits the whole idea. Exactly. And then when we actually see the like getting the house ready montage, it's vacuuming and like poof in the pillows. She's literally straightening up pillows.

Like that was part of the code. Well, you got to have 90 degree angles on them pillows or you don't get to have the kids. Yeah. Charlie Hammers one nail. Well, now there was one thing that actually, yeah, seemed legitimate like he was putting a hand rail on the stairway. That's the kind of thing that you would actually have to do to get an old house up to code. That was the only thing that made any fucking sense at all. And of course, at this same time, Noah has to go out and find Toby because in order to adopt children, you must know where they are first. And I love Charlie's like, as he goes out, he's like, come on, Noah, you've been looking for Toby for like multiple montages. At what point do you give up?

Right. And I'm like, what point do you give up right and I'm like what point you give up on a human being I feel like the right answer is not after most of a day right feel like it's not within 24 hours This isn't the first 48 you got a kid really puts them effort in Well, and again, this is just the the writer of this movie congratulating himself on how awesome he is by having another Character say to the character that's supposed to represent him. Boy, if I was you, I would have given up on that child, but now I don't have the kind of persistence of a hero like you. And we need to talk about the music during this scene, right? So the

music during this scene is a choir singing, work your work. Oh God. But I don't know if this is actually the song or if they only bought a quarter of the rights or what happened, but it's like work your work, the rule was a work your work through was and you listen to it for about three minutes and you're like, all right, you know, man, charge song. But then they just keep saying the words work your work through us over and over and over again. So if you watch our notes, they go from like, eh, and now this person's doing this to, okay, that's enough of that sentence

now. Now more of that sentence, no more, make it stop, stop, stop. Well, it also isn't that just a euphemism for it? Don't do anything. Like, I've worked my work through someone else. I didn't do anything. Yeah, right? I do the editing work through at Noah. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And I guess because we all grow old and die if I waited for like a poignant moment in the plot to take a break I guess now is as good a time as any so let me give act three the hard sell here. I guess now is as good a time as any, so let me give act three the hard sell here. We'll know I'll find Toby before it's too late.

Will Alexa have a non-bitchy line? Does the actress that play the children services lady have a thing for older guys? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the driveless conclusion of Christmas on Salvation Street. Now are you girls excited for the new house? Yeah, I can't wait to see it. Alexa, would it be great if there's a pool? Maybe if there's not, we could dig one. Uh, what?

Yeah, you know, maybe there's a pool and if there's not, we could dig one together. No, no, no, no. I heard you, that's just a crazy fucking stupid thing to say what do you that's a bad word Fuck you now now honey. Well, okay. Is there a pool? Well Well now okay, well it looks like me and the sexual abuse American girl doll here gonna build one Apparently I got some industrial machinery lying around next to your my little pony collection You're trading your Barbie dream house for a backhoe when I wasn't looking. Gonna, gonna lay some concrete, get a 12-man crew, made a fucking babysitter's club. What? No, no, no. Yeah, didn't think so. So, why don't we just move to Black Sylvania and when we get there, we can

find a pool like a human being that's already there. Thanks for waiting for me, by the way, for dinner. Sorry, I was three seconds late, didn't realize I had to roll under a stone gateway to go to dinner. It was just an idea. Hey, Dad, is there a basement? Maybe we could dig one, fill it with golden, eat our way to the bottom. Oh, honey. Alright, almost done with the hedges. Nice, nice, those look great, I'm sure.

Hey dad. Hey kids, no, hold on a second, where did you get that candy? We stole it. Now kids, you know that's not good. Uh, why? Um, why, why do your kids not know that stealing is bad uh... one second sweety's where did you get this

candy building you mean the store what store is okay again why don't they know now honey we've talked about this candy building is a house of trade one must bring coin for that which is contained therein. Oh, I'm sorry. Dude, what is wrong with your kids?

Yeah, kids being kids, you know. Always being kids. I, I urinate now. Use the stone bowl upstairs. Ah, the rising planks the stone bowl of excreasence. Your family's weird. Your family's weird. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he was desperately at work trying to make sure this house wasn't deemed too dangerous for kids to live in, long after his kids had moved into it, and Alexa was heading off

for her first day of work. And she's late because she was helping out her dad. Again, this will never matter. This never has anything to do with the plot except that she works there. And the Asian lady who was apparently just going to walk out and leave the store abandoned and unlocked is like, hey man, you're late for your first day and she's like, oh yeah, no, won't happen again. She's like, great. Well, you require no training. You're the king of this bogey. She does, too. She says, well, you have to stock the milk, put the old stuff in the back. That's all you need to know to run a fucking bodega. I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. And again, like the fact that she works at this

store never matters either to the, well, plot is a little rough anyway. Yeah. So now we cut back to a, it, it, Charlie finishing up all the old up to code stuff. And this is probably the most painfully off moment of, of like attempted comic relief in the entire thing. Because he goes like, well, I finished the wiring, but I'm not very good at it. And I'm like, wow, that should inspire terror and all around you. Yeah I hooked up the gas lines I mean I did my best you know what I'm saying. What's that smell? Anyway I'll light a match I'm going down into the basement. See if we can find it. Get some candles. So Brianna and Dwayne show up while they're having this conversation with like a goddamn pillowcase full of stolen candy. Because they say they admit to stealing the candy

and I wanted it to flash cut back to like a dead Ariane like they shot her and just empty out the store. Because they have a they have a hefty bag full of fucking candy. It's not like they they put a couple of things in their pockets and dad's like hey I didn't say you could buy candy and they're and again This is not what kids do the kids are like we stole it and then the other kids like don't tell him and she's like why If you're fucking nuts, right like how the fuck did you get to like honestly regardless of what age this daughter is supposed to be How did you get to the age where you can go to a store without an adult and not know that you're not allowed to steal fucking candy? Give me a goddamn break.

And the dialogue here is, it's crazy. She said Brianna, who stole the candy. She says we don't need permission. We didn't buy it. And the raven's like, what? She's like, yeah, we didn't buy it. We've been eating it all day. That, doesn't the excuse. She's she's having a stroke at 15 or it's a amazing protest still going. One of the other sticking to the protest there. Yeah, it's

like it went through weird Google trends. Like you've ever watched like a super old foreign movie and the English translations are just terrible. This is what this entire movie is spoken like. Yeah, exactly. That's how it started. When he corrects her, which again won't ever mean anything, won't ever matter, will never affect anything in this movie. It's just a thing to happen. So there's motion on screen because this movie is there for dogs to watch. I'm sure God. But when he explains like why is for Christian dogs? Yeah, when he explains like why he shouldn't do that, he goes, well,

you'll never become anything if you do bad things as a preteen. And they're like, oh, cool. That makes sense. Like he doesn't explain like you shouldn't steal because it's not yours. You shouldn't steal because you're taking it for someone else he's just like because it will affect you and you will forever be damned. Yeah well right right and that is like his thing I guess. So yeah so they go they had after the store to give back the un-eaten candy but on the way out that guy who

card jacked in the other day shows up to apologize and become a Christian. And he's like, hey man, how you doing? And he's like, oh right, you're the guy that almost stabbed me. Kids go inside for a second. Like, like he thought Luther, whose this character's name was there to like finish what he started. You know, I really thought about it and I do want to stab you. I do want to many men now. So I looked you up.

I found you. I Googled you, and then I came here, you weren't here yesterday of four when I checked originally, but I talked to Carlos, he said you'd be back, so I'm ready to stab you in the face. Can I stab you in the face? Also, I love this little line of dialogue because he's like talking about how, yeah, no pastor,

you really turn my life around in that very brief scene. He says, I've been clean and sober ever since that day, which by the chronology of the story is most of yesterday. Right? Like I've been clean and sober since 4 p.m. Yeah, he says I went to a meeting that night. So he's about to get his 48 hour chip. Yeah.

And he's very proud. What? Yeah. But in and he wants to help out with the mission because the pastor did so much for him by standing there and making small talk or whatever. And he's like, I don't know if you can be trusted and just then comedy Charlie gets electrocuted. Well, he's working on the wiring because remember, he's not good at that. Right. And again, like it's supposed to be comedy comedy but because this guy doesn't know how to play comedy he's just like oh god I'm really badly hurt.

I'm really badly hurt and the other characters are like Charlie and the way we know this is supposed to be comedy is like after he shocked himself he's still making electricity noises like a fucking cartoon he's like uh-oh wish there was an electrician here yeah uh-huh and wouldn't you know it turns out loooth of the car jacker used to be an electrician so god must have sent him there on purpose yeah and now this little moment the last like 20 seconds of this scene in one of my favorite moments in the history of christian film right because like he he's a he says yeah you know i don't know how to do electrical

work they said that luther to which i'm screaming then don't do electrical work you fucking idiot would you wing or all surgery but then the actor has to have rights but then the actor has to vamp for a couple of seconds at the end of the scene and about uh... and and he's trying to say well, yeah, no, I was trying to get the wiring done and dot dot dot That's all that was written in the script. So he's going and like I This is literally his line. You know, I hit my toe. I'm like that's how you fucked up electrical work

That was the best you could come up with as you were doing the electrical work It forced you to stub your fucking toe. Oh, I was trying to actually shot a badger and fuck the goat Where the fuck does this even come from you crazy lunatic? Anyway, I was I was hooking up this panel here and then I started thinking about the hokey-poky And you know how you put your right foot in Your right foot out turns out when you do that to electricity is not great If you're right, put out turns out when you do that to electricity is not great. I can. Oh, fuck, I love that moment.

So yeah, now, and then again, just to reinforce the uselessness of the scene, we have to wrap up the stolen candy thing. We can't just imply that that happened because the filmmakers are too stupid to assume we would know so we spend four seconds on a scene of Noah showing up with Brianna and Dwayne to give the Asian lady back her candy. Right, and it's incredible. He goes, they've got something to tell you, and I wanted him so badly to be like, your

kind isn't welcome around. Oh, my. Rape of men king me. Oh, that's your three. And then I guess Noah gets home and Luther and Charlie are all done rewiring the whole house in the seven minutes it took him to walk to the store and bat. Exactly. In this four-second scene, they have rewired the entire house and now they're sitting

there drinking lemonade. Yeah, because they're Christian. That's what they would be drinking. Yeah. Heard that the key was you have to shut the power off before you cut wires with scissors and hopefully both you're around and you cut off wire. Also, you pretty much never cut wires with scissors.

Oh, that also helps. Yeah. You just don't have a bomb and bomb, don't even work like that. So none of that makes sense. Yeah, to cut the blue wire. Oh, I get it. So yeah, so and then of course Luther knows

where Toby is because he's also black. And and he's Toby is hanging out with Damien screw at the warehouse on third street across from the tracks. It's not on the right side of the tracks. I'm trying to think of which side of the tracks. Oh, it's the wrong side of the track. He's on the wrong side of the tracks. Also, incredible moment between these characters that I guarantee you was a rewrite. He goes, so what does Toby look like? And you see the white actor go, uh, eat, you, you, you, and so they switched it. And instead he just hands him a picture. Yeah. You know, he looked because you couldn't have those,

the people who wrote this movie don't know how to describe African-Americans, so they were just like, what if he just hands him a photo? Great, so. Yep, so that's it. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, yeah. And then of course, like he says,

oh, I'm going to go get him from the warehouse on third street and Luther goes, I wouldn't go alone and he goes, I'm not alone. To which Luther says, okay, I wouldn gonna go get him from the warehouse on the third street and Luther goes, I wouldn't go alone and he goes, I'm not alone. To which Luther sighs and goes, okay, I wouldn't go with just you and an imaginary companion either. You know what I fucking mean, dude. I wanted him so badly to jump through the window of a car with Jesus and the driver's seat.

Yeah! So, okay, so now he heads over to the drug warehouse because like I said, that's what we were talking about at the end of the last scene And again, we've got one of these amazing moments of like the actors had to like we had to catch a mid conversation So here's what we hear as he walks in Lot of money Lot of money because that's what gangsters talk about when they're just left to their own devices

Yes, and again just to point out music note. Oh, ready to go again So soon to be fine. Let me get some Gatorade And they're in a warehouse. They have leather couches. Yeah in their warehouse hideout They also have a a bottle of would appear to be sky vodka and cognac Grey goose vodka and beefy version. Yeah, but leather couches, no table. They just turned over garbage can. Oh, you're right.

Right exactly. When he walks in, he's like, uh, hey guys, hey, fellas, well, thanks for letting me in your hideout. Henshman again, who is giving the best comedic performance of your life pulls out a gun and just pulling out the gun it makes sixteen minutes of gun noises yes crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack into another gun. Yeah. Well, he's holding it sideways, gangster style. It makes more noise off. Oh, all right.

The bullets rattling around him there. He just walks in. He's like, hey, excuse me, I'm a white person. I'm Reverend. No, it might as well ring a bell like he's got a front desk. Excuse me. Secretary told me I could just come right in. The flash cuts to a gangster sitting in a desk with like one of those Britney uh... it's secretary told me i could just come right in

flash cuts to a gangster sitting in a desk with like one of those britney mics in his life that's a house gangster that's a warehouse gangster how can i can direct your call yes we do have bloody math that's a call sideways so yeah and and okay so now we have to head to the music like he doesn't

manage to talk to be out of it but he does scare to be about the future that dwayne would have if they lived on the streets together whatever so we head back to the mission and again my notice about the painful attempts to catch characters mid conversation because when this scene starts it's it's charlie and all the first thing at the table and they're talking about the last scene, right? He's like, man, it sure is good that you showed up to help me with that electrical work. That's literally the opening line.

So apparently they're just having that conversation over and over again until something happens. Right, but then it's, then it's Luther's turn to leave the scene. So they're like, man, that dinner was delicious. And Luther's like, are you hinting I should do the dishes and they're like yeah, and he's like weird. I thought I was a guest Sure, I'll I'll clear the table now and I think this is important because the movie really glaces over that Luther now Lives at the mission with them Right, so like in this Yeah, like this they they've brought in the guy that was trying

to car a jackam 48 hours ago to live with the teenage girls. It's a reality show. They're in a giant mansion. Yeah. And of course, this is also the part where Alexa has to break it to him that she's got a job. But like, he doesn't care anymore than the rest of us. Right, again, there's no drama of this. She's like, Dad, I have something to tell you. I got a job and he's like, oh, cool, how do you like it? And she's like, I don't know, man. I just, the whole thing at the beginning

seems you would be upset about this. And I just wanna know, where is the movie? Are we doing the movie? Oh fuck is this goddamn hour and 30 minutes of my exercise. Well right, right because if you're paying attention to the review up to this point you're thinking to yourself I wonder what the stakes in this movie will eventually be. None. Oh yeah. Hey guess what it's Christmas go fuck yourself. The movie has Christmas in the title. Right. Nothing in the fucking movie has any guess what it's Christmas go fuck yourself ha Christmas three times and they were like sure do.

Yep, I guess so. And then we cut to late that night where it almost seems like something's going to happen, don't worry it doesn't. When a mysterious hooded figure breaks into the house late at night, but it's Toby and he lives there. So I don't know why he has to break in but he does. Right. He breaks in. He breaks in and he's like, I want to take Dwayne with me and he's like, where and he's like, I'll figure it out, man. It's like elsewhere. Yeah, but see, he's leaving Damien's crew, but he knows that they'll kill him if he leaves the gang. So he has to like,

skip town or whatever. And the reverend is like no no the the gang guy won't is my plan and that is it well again his plan is god will take care of it like an all these god damn movies everybody splant has to be sit back and do nothing because god's gonna take care of it

right and surely who had a golf club when he thought someone was walking in the house turns to me say yeah let Toby go let him go i don't think this uh... not really our area expertise and it's wanted to fix up a mission yeah i see that that that the side of this story that you really don't get is that charlie is a raging fucking racist and doesn't want these black kids around but he can't say that so he's constantly going like man you've been looking for like 14 minutes on that Google.

I think it's time to give up, right? And switch back to whites and Hispanics, huh? So yeah, and also the actor that plays Toby will never get more than four consecutive words out without taking a breath. Now, some of that is because he has to shout every single line that he says in the movie, but like, it's constantly like like I have to go get my

Little brother so that we can Run from the gang members Every goddamn delivery. I'm like trying to catch a train with Heath Deep cut so okay now we cut to Alexa at work, where she catches a lady's stealing. This is the first half of this scene. The second half of this scene will take place long after you've forgotten it. Yeah. Okay, so she catches this lady's stealing, who is wearing at least $150, $175, lovely leather jacket and gold hoop earrings earrings uh-huh and she turns

around she's like please don't call the cops. Yeah. I have a baby and I'm poor and I can't afford milk from my child. Right because in this universe there isn't WIC or anything and first of all this is damn promising opening to lesbian porn right please? Please don't call the cops. I need help. But that's not where we go. But instead, we have to prove that Alexa is so Christian that she lets the lady run a tab. Now, what's happening here is that she's so Christian that she's stealing from the Asian lady to give to this other lady, right? Ultimately, that will be what happens with no evidence that she will ever get this money back.

In fact, later on with spoiler alert, when confronted about this, she'll be like, oh, yeah, she probably wouldn't pay you. Oh, yeah, I'll pay you. I'll pay you with that. Yeah. Right. Exactly. This is my invented for your store, which I've worked in for a day, or maybe two.

We have no fucking idea. But yeah, in any way, so we get that very important shit out of the way and then finally we get the uh... hot ass children services check again and she is way too impressed by the fact that his house is no longer a dangerous barrel of fire uh... what no one's ever gotten their house up to code so quickly, what ever? Most people just live in homes that don't have exposed wiring.

Right. I expected this lady to go, I've never met anyone who cares about foster kids before. And it was right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. This is kind of unrealistic. And then there's this bizarre fucking scene. And again, this is just that the, the, the filmmakers have no idea how bizarre it is because they're stupid but after she walks away

she like picks up her phone and starts to call a number now he generally is speaking in a movie where after the scene is over somebody picks up a phone to make a phone call we're going to reveal new information and there is by well right right exactly there were about to find out that there their real motivation is something else. But not in this dumb fucking movie, she calls and she says, yeah, I need to schedule a home inspection for such and such and such and such street. When, when, you know what, never mind, I'll handle it myself.

And she hangs up and then ominous music plays. What is happening here is we're setting up that later, she's gonna come back to examine the house. We already knew that. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so surprised this far into the film. But it sets the shit out of the next scene. So now we know. No, well, that's true.

Yeah, exactly. I wanted her to pick up her phone and call into base and be like, it's done. Well, that's exactly how the scene played out. Yeah, she could have like she should have gone like You know, I'm clear send them in or something like that, but no, yeah, just it instead it was pointless Gary Beauty comes in in black face like it's me. Tell me I also have hard time

More than a few. There were two stairs. So but of course, since we were talking about the home inspection at the end of the last scene, this next scene is going to be the home inspection. And just for some comedy, Charlie's all sexyed up for the visit, which apparently means he's wet his hair. Yeah, right. He's all nervous, which looks exactly the same as the entire rest movie, because he doesn't know where to put his arms and legs on torso and tries to invert that.

He doesn't know what's going on. The first person I've ever seen sit down and have trouble figuring out where the legs go. Yeah. And again, promising porn start. He goes, you know, she comes in and he's like, Ms. Roscoe, why don't we start upstairs? And I'm like, yeah, baby, but no. No, it then instantly, again, because this movie is edited like a goddamn nightmare you're

having on acid. He instantly walks out the door of a different room on a different floor than where they were supposed to start. And he's like, so that's the house. I get good. Now I've implied it, but she decides to hang around for dinner too. Also, there's just incredible moment. Again, this movie is fucking nuts.

Luther gets asked to do grace, which is how Dwayne is going to announce that he was homeless and mugging people two days ago. Yeah, Luthor's about to do Grace, but he's got to apologize like a white girl doing karaoke first. He's like, oh my god. Okay, so I'm doing this for my sister. Oh my god You're gonna get married. Okay, dear god. Thank you for the food. Oh my god god did I fucking ruin it? I think I was a I put in four songs Gary Yoke is for the pouring Yeah, but the important thing is that like now the child protective services lady knows that they Recklessly endanger their children by inviting a random

violent criminal to stay with them after knowing him for six minutes. Hooray! Also, they let an unwicensed electrician do all the wiring in their home. That never comes up. And she's like, so, when he becomes your foster father, at which point Toby leaps up in the air like he's been electrocuted by the faulty wiring and he's like, I don't need no foster father And the kids like he didn't ask to be excused because apparently like that kid has been beaten into just like no standing up at the table And he goes you ain't making him a robot. He ain't no politeness robot program for politeness like Alan Tudyk in I am robot

Do you think that's what he is is he allen to dick to you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that he'll let the pastor down by not being a good enough person. So they're making as far as like just outside the mission to have this conversation. And that's when Damien shows up the head thug from all the thugs earlier to let him know that he's going to murder them, but not now later. And again, the extras in this scene are phenomenal. Watch them wall Damien's talking because they're literally in the background like, man, and a mom, mom, mom, they know they're not allowed to talk because they're under five. So they're just saying, oh, we would have good god damn congal line or something yet the camera haha

anything but words and now okay so that the trial percent protective services lady has just witnessed a like a gang of armed men come in and threaten to murder him and his family and she's like yeah so uh... maybe i'm gonna take your daughters too i just thought you know while i'm taking kids out of your custody and that we thought they at least wrote out on the table right but again because there's no stakes in this movie

he's like what you're gonna take my daughters to like uh... yeah damn don't and it's like trying to get he thrown a trade is my point so that we can't uh... we get alexa she's heading to work in to be happens

upon her and walks with her uh... for yet another incredibly meaningless scene and this is this is the primary keep in mind again this is a man writing about his own life right writing about himself when he writes these lines for other characters uh... so to be is basically just going like his own life, right? Writing about himself when he writes these lines for other characters. So Toby is basically just going like, man, I don't get your pops. He never gives up on people. Why does he do so much good for so many people to which she says he's a reverend.

That's his job to which I just wrote, fuck you until my hands started to hurt. I wrote he's a reverend. he's used to fighting for the weed. You're right. Go back to the early Diatribe, you'll get that one, you'll get that one. Yeah. And then to end the scene again, because they know there has to be before and after dialogue, he's like, so you're adopted. If you had sex with your dad, the baby would be okay. And black cat, like literally, it's, no.

I have never seen a series of scenes with such unconnected, this makes my national guerrillas look like fucking Roshaman. Oh, it's so painful. All right, so now back at the mission, Noah is trying to sort out where they're going to do next time Damien shows up. And I wanted a homelone montage so bad. He's like, he can't. No.

This movie was not too late for this movie to be good. They didn't get there, but it could have still gotten there. Yeah. So what he decides he's going to do is go talk Damien go talk to the to the gang banger and Explain his side of the story and of course all the other guys are like we're going with you And he's like no he grabs this Bible. He'll says I'll be fine I'd love for him to open it up. There's a gun in the Bible You know like a Shawshank redemption style, but no see

I wanted a flash cut to his dead and mangled body and then just back to the thing like, shoo, well that didn't work. So he shows up at the warehouse and I guess Damien is Toby's cousin or whatever. So he pulls the your grandma's dead card, which now Damien can't be a thug anymore. So that affords him time to tell Damien that Jesus loves him and leaves him a Bible before he obviously wanders off. Couple of things in this scene. First of all, he calls him son, which in my experience, calling African-American son does not work super well. They don't care for it. Priest or no. There's also this insane moment where he goes, what? Matter to who? Jesus? And he goes, you matter to me. And there's this pause. And I'm

sitting there watching this with my wife who is not walked out of this movie. And she goes, KISS! I love to because he sets this Bible down and walks off. And the guy's like, yo, man, yo, book. We can't have all this Jesus sitting around here. It's gonna fuck up our style. I wanted him to have actually forgotten and be like, oh, thanks so much. Forget the Bible. I am a preacher after all.

All right. Anyways, Jesus loves you. Bye bye. So anyway, remember that lady who needed milk for her baby. Now we're going to get the second half of that scene, a day later. So, they're having this, again, this painfully awkward, the scene hasn't started yet conversation about who the baby daddy is or whatever.

And when the owner walks in, well, and let's put this in perspective, well, her new employee and a random stranger are robbing her. Right. Right. And she's like, oh, well, what are you doing? You're not allowed to set up tabs here.

And she's like, oh, okay, then I'll pay for it. And literally, this is how little this fucking movie cares about this movie. Mrs. Neguyin goes, whatever, and that will be the end of that plot. Yes. Yes, we have introduced a whole character just so that we can have that resolution to it anyway

Okay, so now of course just so that we can make sure everybody's got their bingo we go to Damien's reading the Bible montage and Apparently he's a speed reader too. He's just going through extremely quick I'd love to see the backstory there him just like winning memory tournament Memorizing decks of cards. I wanted him so badly to just start reading out loud and then sword mouth Jesus went, ah, I'm not gonna be a gangster anymore. I guess, yeah, and he's very clearly reading like eight words on each page that's about as much time as,

and again, that means that the actor or the director or somebody didn't know how reading a book worked. So dad goes in, and now this is also, again, useless, but such a disappointing scene, because we get dad showing up at Alexis' room late that night, he knocks on her door and starts just randomly walking in, and she could have been masturbating. That was a choice that was open to them. But no, she's crying over a dead mom picture. Right.

He walks in the room. His daughter is sitting fully closed on the bed weeping over a photo and he goes everything okay and order to be like oh yeah man everything's great i often we fully close in my bedroom at midnight over the picture of my dad mom things are awesome you want to go to davin busters lady ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha okay just checking on and yeah right and of course i guess what they're going for here is just to resolve the like make sure that everyone knows no no elixis totally on board

uh... with the move now we are retrofitting a character arc into her storyline guys right there's incredible where elixir goes what do you think mom would have done and i wanted him to be like oh mom she would have rolled hard, machine gun montage. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. He even did, and they just bust into Damien's layer. P-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r it's just been revoked so now we cut to the

i don't fucking know the christmas dancer something at the church is the christmas eve thing that's happening c it's about christmas cela has to like fold is dick into his ass and of course right in the middle of their big celebration clear shows up the top-of-the-top services hotty and she's with a cop. She's there to get the kids to just the black kids. She's actually just come

for Dwayne and because she goes, I need to take Dwayne and Toby. So like in her mind before the she was like, okay, we'll just take away the black ones. You can keep the white ones those are his. I don't want to get into all the paperwork. But even though one of them is adopted, yeah, exactly. And therefore under my jurisdiction, yeah. And also, I'm sorry, but you're coming to pick up orphans from their foster home on Christmas Eve at gunpoint. At a Christmas party. Right. Is that really how that works?

Yes, she's just like, oh, I knew you were having a Christmas. I thought this would be fun. Like, you could do white elephant Christmas and then one of the kids could get taken away. I try to make it fun. Yeah, right, right. That's why we do this at 8 p.m. So and also while this is happening while he's having this conversation this, oh, you're not going to take the kids, are you shocked? The neighbors from the beginning of the movie who gave them the big goods show up mid sentence midfights the fucking craziest interjection I see it as I can possibly imagine the neighbors from the beginning show up with a bunch of Christmas presents are like, hey now don't start without us and you see the CPS lady be like, oh Kind of important what we were doing we were having a

Scene I mean in real life this kind of weird shit happens, but you don't have to let it happen in your movies Yeah, and I feel like that was just like probably just happened You know, it's just like it just so have oh shit are you guys filming? I'm so sorry. I didn't know But yes, I was so proud of myself for recognizing who these characters were at this point. Oh, you guys doing white elephant, all right. I'm gonna trade my Amazon Echo for a bigger black kid. For Toby. For Toby.

And then of course, right in the middle of all of this, Damien shows up with his thugs in tow. And Toby immediately when Damien walks in, uses his brother as a human shield. He does. He immediately runs behind his brother. He's like, get the, get the literal one. Get him. He's standing between you and my heart.

Yeah. Um, and so Damien says, Hey, I got something for you, preacher man. Goes to reach in and, and pull out the Bible. But of course, it's a black man reaching into his pocket. So the cop goes for his gun right away, which is super fucking racist, by the way. No one turns to that. I wanted to see where they're like, Hey, man, did you just go for your gun? Because a black man walked in and said, like, when the white people came in,

you didn't jump on them and be like a bomb right? Well right like the fact that a black guy reached into his pocket meant you Went for your gun on Christmas. Hey, well and good and again It's not like this cop knows the backstory, right? He doesn't know that Damien is the the gangster that's been threatening him It's just a black man walking into church saying, hey, preacher, I have something for you. And as immediate fucking thought as, ah, better shoot this black guy.

Most realistic moment in the movie, actually. But yeah, but what really happens is he pulls out his Bible and says, you left this book and it changed my life. So now I'm going to use my gangsterness protect your mission, because I'm a Christian now. But just to be safe, I feel like you should have backed in with his hands up with the Bible. You're just gonna be responsible about it,

whatever. It's not entirely that, I don't wanna talk about whose fault it was, but exactly. So he wanders off. I don't unfriend people on Facebook. So now that Damien has turned towards Jesus and everything he wanders off and we get what I can only hope is the closing monologue from Noah. And this

monologue is so bizarre too because he's like, you know, this neighborhood used to live in fear of crime and drugs and black people. I mean mean african american people but now it's all about hope and i'm like there hasn't been anything that's happened in this movie to suggest that this is a bad neighborhood and less you count black people living in it yes that is it and your reactions to them right the literally the worst thing that happened is that police officer almost uh... reaching into their pocket

it it also says uh... the fear of being alone is the greatest fear of all and i'm just saying i don't think like ghetto kids in chicago are afraid of being and i and if you're wondering if that makes sense in context now now it really doesn't and and at the end of this whole bizarre like now Damien's Jesus stop he ends with and that's why we celebrate Christmas I wanted Linus to come up and say no

uh no no at some Bible quotes here for you and apparently Claire is so impressed with something that he can now keep the kids. I don't even fucking know. There was a gunfight and she's like, you can keep the kids. Yeah, you guys won the almost gunfight. The fight didn't happen. I have no idea what that character is supposed to be motivated by. The people walking in with the presence, the gangster saying that he will not murder them and returning a Bible. She's just she's just like well

Movies over that guys making that little hand-circled You can keep your kids I'm gonna go back on the pool said I borrowed this outfit from Rips off the wig I'm Gary Riechie. It's oh That would have been really complicated for me. So yeah, now the movie is over and I honestly did not know that Until there were credits on the screen like like honestly like if I hadn't been counting the minutes for so long I would have been sure there was more movie coming. I wouldn't have been surprised if they were decoy credits And they were like ha ha did another scene Now we find out if Toby gets into college.

No. Oh. All right, so like I said at the top, we're clearly dealing with yet another self-congratulatory my life would make such an awesome movie piece of shit. And after watching so many of these nothing really happened movies, it got me to wondering, and I figured this would be a great way to close the show. What would be the least interesting experience of your life then a movie could be made about that would still be more interesting than this

movie all right i'm gonna say me watching this movie the movie uh... me watching he watch this movie, the movie. The movie. Well, right. He acts. Oh, man, let's make that. Yeah, no shit.

I'm in crazy, hundred air money. And while that does it for our review of Miracle on Salvation Street, it's not going to do it for our episode yet because we still need to make you feel all tingly about next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The encounter. I've been looking forward to this one. I got to be honest with you. This is a good one. So this guy who stars in the encounter, the encounters about a bunch of people end up at a diner late at night and then the manifestation of God, Jesus, like fixes all their lives, but a running theme throughout some of the movies we've watched and some of the ones

We're going to watch is that like this guy is always Jesus God He's just always Jesus God and it originates with this movie now There's two of them. There's encounter and then there's a sequel We got two movies coming up, but this is the first one and I got to say it looks pretty terrible great Now is it this the same God Jesus guy from Revelation Road or something else that we watched? Yes. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I've been looking forward to revisiting this bizarre fucking actor. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 72 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. donation at patreon.com slash god awful. That's patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad Reversion of every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatGmail.com. The theme song for this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Trap Zone Mars, and all other music was written and performed by Morgan Clark.

If you like what you hear, hear more by following the links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, Wright, and Eli Bosnick. I'm No Illusions Promise, and a War card to earn another chunk next week, and until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Rihanna strangled Dwayne by accident because his hair was so soft and fuzzy. Claire was a naughty little child protective services agent. Rihanna and Dwayne, dited an unfortunate Amelia Bidelia misunderstanding with a lawnmower

and some marshmallow flops. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, Kibera 2016, all rights reserved.