God Awful Movies - 73: GAM073 The Encounter

Episode Date: January 10, 2017

This week, guest masochist Marissa McCool joins Eli and Noah to discuss the story of Jesus's under-performing dinner theater magic show in an atheist review of The Encounter. --- To check out Marissa's podcast, The Inciting Incident Podcast, click here: http://incitingincident.libsyn.com/ To get a copy of Marissa's book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/PC-Lie-American-Voters-Decided/dp/1540416003

Hay cosas que son muy nuestras. Como el sol que disfrutamos todos los días del año, el que convierte cualquier plan en un o mejor, y el que nos da ese carácter que tanto nos define. En Viñazol elaboramos nuestros vinos con el sol Mediterráneo. Y así, te brindamos el mejor de los sabores. Viñazol, el sabor del Mediterráneo. She speaks like someone who was written by someone who has never spoken to a woman. It's the types who have only heard a woman's voice by talking to another man using a false

set-o and then maybe we should get some free salad. Yeah, I was expecting it at any point for her to say I have a vagina At any point her dialogue could have been and then she's all wait no, I'm not supposed to say that My period right now guys Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be to my left is my good friend Heath and right he's not like on this call or this episode or anything he's in a friend's wedding this week but I thought you might still wonder where he was sitting and of course sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick who is on this call in this episode Eli how are you doing this fine evening sir I'm doing pretty great hey you know who's a great actor who's dead? Dean is a great actor. Yeah, we'll find out all about that in just a second. And of course, also joining us today is our special guest, Massacus.

Marisa McCool is one of the hosts of the Insighting Incident Podcast and the author of the PCLi. How American voters decided I didn't matter. Reese, welcome to the show. Thank you so much. And I'm absolutely delighted to be here. I did take legal advice from a podcast and that's how I, oh shit, wait, yeah, I'm here. Forgot what show it was already.

All right. So before we dive into this piece of cinematic shit that lies before us, can you tell us a little about your book? Sure. Well, I am a recently out trans woman. I go to the University of Pennsylvania and as someone who goes to the same school that our newest president is going to go to the went to, excuse me. I wrote my reaction right after the election and ended up turning it into a book.

So it's really just a series of essays telling Donald Trump and voters for him to go fuck themselves. Chris Clouy did the forward and we also had some guy named Eli write an essay. I don't know. He's some obscure dude on the internet. I think he messaged me on okay, Cupid or something, but in essence, I told my backstory. I told a lot of the people what I thought about a lot of the important issues that surrounded Trump's election and how I thought blaming PC culture was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. But the first chapter is a 30 page rant right after the election that just said, fuck you Donald Trump and fuck you for voting for him. Yeah, I also wrote an immediate reaction piece to that and I can't get anybody to publish

it because it just says fuck over and over again for two hundred and twelve pages. But we're still looking, we're still looking for a publisher. I'm sure we can still find, I feel like that sentiment is shared by a lot of people, a lot of people would write to me and say, you put it into words. This is exactly how I felt, but you know, publishers. I feel like there's going to be a publishing section, the top 10 Donald Trump go fuck yourself books at Barnes and Noble. So, right. All right. So, and then that's awesome. That's awesome. Of course, we'll have it linked on the show notes. I just want to say I feel terrible for whatever

editor how to take Eli's essay and turn it into like English with punctuation and stuff, but apparently got done. So I guess we can get to this stupid ass movie now, so Eli tell us, what are we gonna be breaking down today? We watched the encounter. It's the story of five strangers who accidentally end up at Jesus' dinner theater magic show. So I'm mad. And it really is just that stupid, that's the whole fucking thing.

And Reese, how bad was this movie? Well, I'll explain for both the non-wrestling fans and the wrestling fans since I assume the reason you picked me is that I'm a wrestling writer and former pro wrestler for the non-wrestling fans. If you like the start play, no exit, but thought what it really needed was a non-subtle Jesus saying, he loves you or you should die. You will love this movie.

I did not expect to start your reference in the description there. Well done. Bringing John Paul's start to game. Placid it up, placid it up. I got a Shakespeare one later, just wait. Oh wow. And for the wrestling fans out there, all seven of them who read my column and are tuning into this,

I'm sure it's sting hoagin starcade 97, but without the awesome buildup first. I'm gonna assume that was dead odd. Man, it's a fucking for those who don't want to take it off. It got taken off TV, but not before like you saw the penetration you saw it. Oh yeah, pay per view in 1997. I Really should get into wrestling. It's way better than I thought. I'm dying to know what that hold is called. Now is there anything that you Would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Actually, I have two Forgive me for stepping on any toes, but first of all best worst scene blocking for the first few minutes in the diner, the guy who's spoiler is Jesus.

He looks like he's on a completely different set. Like he's staring directly into the camera and people are just walking in and all you see is him just sitting there like, hey, what's going on? It's hard in an audio medium to capture how bizarre that is. But yeah, it seemed for at least for the first 10 minutes that he was a part of this movie that like this actor was radioactive and had to be filmed separately from all the other actors. It was there were several times where you're just like, who all is in this scene? Like he had to send in his scenes

from to David A.R. White from Russia because he's in quarantine or something. Yeah. Right. I also assume that's where they met him at the end. Yeah. And you said you had to. Yes, I do. And this one is probably more important. And I will bitch about this later. But best worst use of genocide to show that God is love and suicide, but we'll get to that Yeah, I think we might just spend a little time on that portion of the pro genocide portion of the movie Eli, you got any nominations? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst murdery dialogue This movie is in every way except the murdering a horror movie, right? Yes.

Five strangers end up at a diner with a crazy guy who has crazy demands for them. He just never gets around to actually like attacking people with a side. Like they even have moments where they're like, Oh, okay. Well, we're going to leave now and he's like, you can't leave. I've deactivated your car. But instead of talking about Jesus, it's really, it's the only. I've deactivated your car. But instead of keep talking about Jesus, it's really, it's the only time I've been disappointed not to see a teenager murdered that I haven't been arrested afterwards. I got one more here. Best worst magic act. Now, this is going

to be a little bit personal to me, but like this movie is very, very similar to my act as a magician Damn to guessing people's favorite foods that is a staple in my professional magic act is like Oh, I bet if you could guess your favorite food it's this so when I saw Jesus I literally wrote in my notes for the first time mother fucker Jesus stealing my act goddamn Just a series of magic and I kept wanting at least one character to go. Magic. Okay. Okay. Well, and that's the fucked up thing about this. Like throughout this movie, this character has to convince everybody that he is Jesus and he does everything that he does is something that Eli can do. And like I would know how he did it when he did it.

Right? It's all pretty basic. Like, like pretty basic like this whole fucking movie falls apart if somebody says, what have he looked us up on Facebook? Oh. See I just thought it was a vehicle to show off things acting chops like Eli was saying. So I thought he was a debuting for Silent Hill or something because the whole 90s gothic thing really seemed to fit. Yeah. And to be fair, sting does a great job pretending he fits into people clothes in his

movie. He does a fantastic job. They obviously put the front of people clothes on him, although I'm sure he was naked on them. And maybe they painted them on because the A does an excellent job pretending he knows how to wear anything except a leotard. Yeah. No. Yeah. They blew their whole CGI budget, making him look human.

Alright, well, oddly enough, I've actually been looking forward to this movie for quite a while and it did not disappoint. So we'll keep the break brief and we'll come back, we'll dive into the single endless scene that is the encounter. Hey, there friend, it's me, Jesus from the encounter. Hey there friend, it's me, Jesus from the encounter. Boy, we sure did have a lot of fun today. Threatening and gassing people's favorite foods, pretending to stay and fit into people close, but there's one thing that's very serious.

Please, don't accept food advice from people who think they're deities at a diner. I know, it might all seem like fun at games at first, but hey, the guy who runs this gassing sip says he's Vishnu, let's try what he's cooking. But what he's cooking, all too often, is people. In fact, why not try a delicious meal at home with Blue Apron? Blue Apron delivers fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, along with easy to follow, step by step instructions, so that you can make delicious meals for almost any diet at home. But more importantly, if you don't love Blue Apron, it's almost certain they won't burn

you in fire forever. Seperalisin. Allison takes her job at Blue Apron super seriously. Now, I know what you're thinking. There's no way Blue Apron delivers all the way out here at the last chance diner, but no worries friends. Blue Apron delivers to 99% of the continental US, but don't take my word for it. Check out this week's menu and get

your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueaprin.com forward slash movies. You will love how it feels and tastes to create incredible home cook meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait. that's blueaprin.com slash movies. Blue Apron, a better way to cook, and a way better way to eat than a diner run by Jesus. Welcome to the last chance diner friends. Yeah, can I get a glass of water? I'll take a coke. Oh sorry, I only have water. You only have water? Yeah, yeah, try it. It's a it's my recipe. The water? Yep. You came in this, didn't you? Who that said he came in it? No, no, no. I'm hinting at something, y'all. Yeah, dude. You're hinting that you came in this water Loud and clear. No, no, what I'm hinting at is

Jesus are you drinking it? Yeah, man, I'm picking up what you're putting now. Let's do this thing You want to bring me your special recipe of chocolate pudding now. Let's fucking do it my safe word is Pokemon Jesus fuck no guys guys. I'm God God I was hinting that I am God. Oh so did you wanted you know what never mind just just get out you guys have ruined this whole fucking thing just get out. Hey sorry. Real quick can you come in my water And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start this one off on a dark and stormy night with a lone figure walking down a foggy street this will not be the first time that you'll say to yourself Are you sure this isn't a horror movie?

Yeah, and it's thing so the other actors going to have to carry him through it to make it look respectable. Like literally teach him how to walk. Yeah, and stand still and whatnot. Now I have to say, okay, so I watched this on YouTube, you know, I sent me this link, and the movie was free, but it had Cyrillic subtitles and terrible audio syncing, which made the movie so much fucking better. Right, because like

every time I got bored out of my mind I could just start looking at and going oh that's like a T for them yeah I saw that one and in the recommended files there was another one right there so I made the mistake of watching it in its pristine synced up glory yeah definitely better when the words didn't quite match the people talk. It gave you something to laugh at anyway. So yeah, so we beat Sting. He's in his car, checking his phone.

And damn, and if he doesn't kind of almost run into this girl in a hoodie that leaps out in front of him in the road. I want to defend Sting's character because through the rest of the movie, we're going to pretend that this was Sting's fault. She's, she's are coming down the road and she's like hey, I want a hitchkike I should jump out in front of this He-oh my car And she's like hey pick me up pick me up and he who is distracted is like

Oh And swerves and does not strike her with his vehicle and throughout the rest of the movie this character her with his vehicle and throughout the rest of the movie, this character, Kayla, will pretend that sting almost hit her with his car like on purpose for a tracking. Right. She came. He came within like 20 yards of her right. And I thought we were going to reenact the pilot a small villain or something like we were going to find out Kayla was actually super girl and we were going to go on a magic adventure

that somehow goes on for 10 years. It'll be great. It'll be great. It would have been better anyway. Yeah, but this is gonna be very pivotal. He very clearly doesn't come anywhere near hitting her and then drives on. And then we move on to this other couple that's gonna be at the center of this movie. This is a black couple listening to classical music while the wife is bitchy.

Resting bitch face raven some moan is having nothing oh my god i have them as uh... reverse cuck porn and jayda pink it's myth that something abruptly so uh... hank oh please couples journey throughout this entire movie will be this man exemplifying a flaccid penis while he's white This entire movie

You don't even want any of it. It's just this guy going I think I'll order some fries And she'd be like fine order some fries. I hope you fucking die and everyone else in the movies like they don't seem to be getting along Not those people fucking hate each other and absolutely should get a divorce. Now, the movie wants you to think, uh-oh, trouble and paradise, but any sane person goes, uh-oh, you should have divorced long ago. Yeah, right. Also, music note for this scene, because they're playing some weird kind of classical music in the car. I feel like a bad student film is starting. And you are correct, yeah, exactly. And I love, I will say though,

to give this movie some credit, this is the first time we've ever cut to a black couple without rap music. So like, let's at least give them credit for this. But yeah, this white, exactly. Now, but this wife character, she will, for the first two thirds of this movie, every line she will have might as well just be, I am a bitch.

I am the bitch character. Truly. And of course, we also learned in the credits that this one was directed by David A.R. White. That gives me a lot of joy. A lot of joy. It's a good sign. But they're driving and they pass by Hitchhiker growing.

She doesn't jump out in front of their car because you know, lessen learned. But as we're going to learn, Jesus whispers and hangs ear pick her up and I wrote in my notes, I get it. A voice in your head tells you to pick up and murder a Hitchhiker Girl, but your wife won't let you. I get it.

I'm just saying, I can empathize with Hitchhiker character at this moment. But I assume these people are Christians or are gonna at least end up being Christians. Why won't they pick up a strange person on the dark side of the road in the middle of the night? I just don't get in the middle of nowhere with those street lights and yeah, exactly.

And again, we are gonna see this as a, this is gonna be presented as a moral failing of these characters over and over again through this movie that they didn't stop to pick up the creepy girl on the dark I mean, let's again, that's how horror movies start and then we meet yet another fucking character. This is the vaguely Asian chick. I call her old country buffet Anita Sarkesian. Any minute now is expecting for this girl to tell me video games for sexist. Oh, he's shit. Um, but yeah, but she actually does pick up the hitchhiking teen girl.

Um, and in a very creepy fucking way? Absolutely. The creepiest. She goes, she pulls up, she goes, hey, get in and the girl's like, oh, where are you going? She goes, it doesn't matter. Just get in. Red flag. Look, he's a bad idea, but if someone says it doesn't matter, just get in, you need to wait for another car. You are going to be made into a people suit. Right. Right, but she gets in and then they start,

they start driving together and I wrote driving in quotes in my notes here because they're very, very clearly sitting in a parked car, but supposed to be driving. Right. There's a tree sitting outside the hitchhiker's window. Yes, and it doesn't move. You can see it not moving. Lights are flying by and you know, they're trying to simulate what they think a car sounds like, but tree right there in the window. what they think a car sounds like, but tree right there in the window. Also, the dialogue in this scene is very clearly the beginning of a softcore porn about vampires. It doesn't get there, that's very clearly what the conversation is. That seems like what they're going for, yeah. Did anyone pick up on the music they were listening to?

First of all, it goes, nothing's ever felt like this and it's like this is how a bad lesbian hitchhiker movie starts to a there is no bad lesbian hitchhiker movie okay exactly fair enough but then it goes then we kissed and nothing ever felt like this I'm like come on it's lesbian hitchhiker seriously yeah I mean quite teasing me Now look I'm no film pro But I'm pretty sure that the music in your scene shouldn't be louder and more Dialogue I The right the miking in this fucking movie is insane throughout there's constantly like thunder that's only put in one of the Stereo sides or something and the fucking the voices will all be different levels. The music is drowning out. It's

terrible again. That's the podcaster and me coming up, but that drove me fucking nuts throughout. I have a question for Brian just for a second. Hey Brian, are we supposed to record the music directly from the car stereo while they're talking? talking. They pass by an abandoned trailer that says last chance diner and she's like, hey, you want to stop and eat this abandoned trailer and those girls like, no, I'm good. And we're supposed to have a like, nah, the last, nah, nah. Yeah, right. That was your last chance. The last chance chance diner nothing says comfort food like the threat of that uh... right so okay so now we we cut back to stanguas come across a roadblock

uh... on this dark and stormy night and he is quite inconvenienced by this creepy fucking cop that tells him to turn back oh my god the undert god. The undertaker. It is Undertaker. Oh right on and the undertaker made a really strong choice here Which is I'm still going to play the fucking undertaker. I don't care I don't care that I'm not wearing the wig I'm going to do the exact same thing and react in the exact same manner that I react to sting when we wrestle each other in the middle of a bunch of people who don't read well.

Like he was just, they were like, oh no, you're not the undertaker. And he was like, yeah, come on with me. And they were like, no, literally anything but that, you're a cop. And I feel like I should explain a little bit of this to you since you don't watch wrestling. Sting, if you don't know, went from being like a beach surfer type dude in face paint to dressing like Eric Draven and hitting people with a bat while hanging out in the rafters. So it was from 80s high school outcast stereotype to 90s outcast stereotype in high school. If you like if Bender put on black eyeliner and listen to panic at the disco or something and I've not said I know what that's like or anything

I was gonna say sting followed my journey and for those who need to be caught up the undertaker is an undead witch who eats children We're pretty sure or has something to do with demon children. He's good at wrestling. All you need to do is go. Yeah, that's the also tried to sacrifice the boss's daughter on a fucking cruise to fix once and somehow he still has a job. Just saying he did. You know, they have similar policies to what we have here. It got off of both. They're whiteboarders about the same. I was just actually I paused to write that down on the whiteboard.board. Get on my butthole. Get off me. That price sacrificed me.

So, so okay, so now all of these cars of people that we just met are going to like show up all at this same roadblock now. And so, you know, next the black couple shows up and the cop walks up to them and I'm thinking to myself, I'm a black couple and a cop with a shotgun and it's the middle of nowhere. I'm getting the fuck out of there. It's exactly what I wrote, I wrote, dude, if you're a black guy and a trooper with a shotgun on his shoulder, comes to a car, you accelerate, take the person to the car. Right. Yeah, at least it won't be permanent. And I love this too, because, okay, so apparently everyone's reaction to the road

is out and it's about to storm. You guys need to turn around is to stop their cars and all step out and talk amongst each other or whatever. And this is where we get my favorite non-black name and the history of Christian movies. They turn to sting and one guy goes, oh my God, aren't you Crusher, Crusher? Someone wrote those words down. Crusher, his name's Crusher. Okay, because he's a football player. What's his last name? Crusher Crusher, Crusher, Crusher, Crusher, Crusher. Crusher, Reenie. I would love to see the rejected names on this one. Yeah. There was a whiteboard covered in X's, Crushito, Crusher, Reenie ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ruthless and ice dagger and Fang McFrosst, you know, because they were more dignified than Crusher,

Kraschetti. I like Fang McFrosst. I might just change my name now. And of course, nobody's cell phone works because this is a horror movie opening. And this is also like, because Anita Sarkezu and shows up with the hitchhiker girl. And then everybody's like, oh, yeah, I didn't pick you up.

I sure meant meant to. But I get it. She's so accusatory here. He's like, does anyone self-own work? She's like, no, mine broke when you killed me with your car. And he's like, oh, she's just out in front of my car. And then the black guy's super nice. He's like, hey, sorry, we didn't pick you up.

We were unsure. And she's like, fuck you, Koon. And he's like, no, all right, I'm present. I'm present. Well, here's our actual line. She says, don't worry, I had hours before I died of exposure. Exposure? Exposure, actual line.

It's like 70 hits degrees outside. Yeah, right. Nobody's even wearing a jacket for fuck's sake. Yeah, right. I don't want it so bad for sting to go, yeah, sorry, I picked you up and dropped you off in the middle of the road. Oh, wait, you did that to yourself and go fuck yourself, right? Oh, I'm super sorry, I made you hitchhike out here

in the middle of nowhere because that's me. That's on me, it's my fault. Yeah, right. So, and of course, nobody's cell phone works. So Anita Sarkezian says, oh, hey, why don't we go back to that diner I saw? Maybe they have a phone. And somebody goes, wait, there's no diner back there

there used to be a diner and there's like an ominous thunder clap or whatever that's i know it's built up on the top of an old indian bar i've got ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Diner and the cop the undertaker as they're driving off he says to himself because they're all too far away Says tell the guy at the diner that officer devils sent you and I wrote get it guys Deville devil it's clever, but he does it does let it linger long enough for him to give this like Asmatic evil cackle that sounds like he's trying to blow a new year's noise maker through his tracheal ring I just I could listen to that cackle for the rest of my life. That's going to be my ring tone now. Wait a minute, you guys, you mean to tell me that wasn't a 101 Dalmatians reference? What the fuck? Oh,

I think about that. He's wearing a beautiful mint coat when he walks in. Yeah. And this is my wife, Cruella. So everybody shows, now everybody goes back, they show up at the mysterious diner and the diner's all lit up, but there's nobody there to seat them at first. And then, and then Jesus appears. Now, I'm a fan of it's always sunny and Philadelphia.

And there is no way to look at this human being and not see Charlie Day if you're familiar with his work. Yeah, it's really, really hard not to see Charlie Day. And we should point out that this is where this guy, Anthony, Marce Capone cheese or whatever his name is. It's introduced as Jesus. And apparently he crushed it so hard in this that they were like, yeah, he'll be Jesus slash God forever. And he's Jesus slash God in movies we've already watched. He's Jesus slash God in movies we haven't watched yet. He's Jesus slash God in a TV show, which is continued based on this concept.

Yeah, and I also feel like I should note that the music has gone now from classical to weird lesbian, hint hinting pop music. And now the music notice, we just took a left turn into deliverance. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, it goes all full country, all full quick. So they all come into the diner. His name tag, by the way, says Jesus. So we're not going for subtle.

We're not even trying for subtle because he will eventually, of course, be Jesus. And the, the, the, the, the, the Hitchhiker girl asked for coffee, he says, no, all I serve is water. This will come up again and again. And I don't know why do the, the Christians have an anti-coffee thing? No. I mean, I know the Mormons do. And I don't remember a part of the Bible where Jesus, where people were like, oh man Jesus, can we get some coffee and Jesus was like, no, six to eight glasses a day. Like I don't know what this is. It only opens up this movie's favorite activity, which is weird. I am God-based puns because he's like, sorry, all I've got is water. It's my own recipe. I'm just going to give everyone a hint here. If someone says it's my own recipe

and they're not an adorable old lady, they came in that thing. They came in that thing and they want you to drink their come now. And maybe you're into that consenting adults, but just so you know, it never means anything but that unless they're trying to win a prize at a county fair. And what doesn't help it is the fact that he says the dialogue exactly like he came in it. Like, yes, my own recipe. You want them to try it? Eli's right.

Eli's right. Yeah. Yeah, that that water had come in it. And now, so, and, and, and, and really it's so bizarre because like the girl drinks the water and she goes, wow, that's really good water. What a dumb fucking thing to say, but I guess that's just to open them up for that great pun. And of course, she came from Flint. wow that's really good water what a dumb fucking thing to say but i guess that's just to open up for that great pun uh... and of course he came from flint

so ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha football player, Crusher, Cruschetti, who also apparently owns a burger franchise, which is going to be pivotal to this story, I guess. He gives them coupons for a Crusher burger meals and all I could think, again, wrestling joke, Sting didn't get to the WWE till he was in his 50s. So all I could say was, Crusher burger meals, finally getting to WrestleMania after 20 years, just to lose the triple H. I'm going to pretend I get that. It's it's so funny. Trust me, the wrestling fans are laughing.

There are three wrestling fans. The one episode where the helpful skeptic won't be mad at us because all the wrestling things will be on point. I'm I'm sure that he'll still find something to complain about about the wrestling. And of course, and this is again, just to reinforce how badly written this, this wife character is, Crusher gives Hank the husband a couple of free burger coupons and she is very clearly pissed about that. She's a livid.

She is a livid. I have hired prostitutes in front of my wife with her being less angry than this woman is angry about receiving free burger coupons. Yes, she speaks like someone who is written by someone who has never spoken to a woman. It's the type, you know, the MRA types who have only heard a woman's voice by talking to another man using a false set-o, imitating the dialogue. Like, oh jeez, then maybe we should get some free salad. Whatever bitch you're moving on. Yeah.

Yeah, I was expecting it at any point for her to say, I have a vagina. Yeah. At any point her dialogue could have been, and then she's all, wait, no, I'm not supposed to say that. I'm like, so, I'm my period right now, guys. Jesus. So, and then, of course, the bitch you wife, bitch, bitchyly demands menus. And again, this is not like the movie presents it at like, look at this horrible person. But like she said a diner and she just asked for a menu, right? That's not like a bitchy thing to do, but this movie

would have you think it is. Well, because he goes like, so would you like menus or would you like the special and she's like, no, I'd like to see a menu like a person with dignity instead of the weird guessing game, which is what you're trying to hint at, which no one's ever done at a restaurant ever. And he's like, okay, I'll go get you some menus. And then he turns to heck and he goes, hey, would you like a menu tour? Is your wife just going to order for you by yelling at you? And she makes the fashion club from Darius seems subtle and also

technical difficulty. My video cut back to the first scene and even Jesus doesn't want me to watch this movie. This happened like five times. Oh shit. Yeah, and if I was Jesus I'd want to like stop people from seeing this shit though. But then Hank goes, how did you know my name? And her answer is shut the fuck up, Hank. I hate it. Hank is to his wife, the shut the fuck up Tina. Like she's playing that game, but she's in the movie. Right.

And I love that, because you already know, because we watched plenty of Christian movies, we already know that the point in this movie is gonna be that this couple should not get divorced, right? Like, you already know. And then like any human being looking at these people would be like, boy, could they be happier with other people or alone? But in this stupid fucking movie, the point is that they need to save that marriage.

Yeah, this is the, this is the scene in the romcom generally where they look at and go, oh my god, she's such a bitch. I can't wait for her to meet the good, homely Reese Witherspoon girl. You're right. So now Jesus returns to the counter so he can ask the Asian girl and they run away for their orders.

But first they have to sit through pretentious pseudo wisdom because he's Jesus. I didn't realize Jesus clicked his mouth that much when he spoke. It's like every word Jesus see a speech therapist come on you've had two two thousand years. Yeah the wetest and creepiest and rapiest of dialogues. It is so fucking weird like at one point he even says to the Asian or the Asian girl he goes your mother loves you very much I'm like that is a damn creepy thing

for random guy at the diner to say, right? Yeah, that should follow asking someone to put lotion in the basket. That is not customer service. I thought they were roasting my okay cupid messages. I mean, as a trans woman in the city. I really thought they were gonna show that that was a source. I honestly, like, he's suggesting food to them. And I wrote in, like he, because he's suggesting food to them,

and I wrote my notes of like he's suggesting food, like some creepy lethario trying to flip a found person to a blow job. Wow, if you could only do something for me for this person I found a yours. That's like that's his whole character though. Right, and what we're supposed to learn in this scene is like he's Jesus, so he knows their favorite food,

and their favorite foods are so fucking depressing, right? You can have anything in the world and he's like, I know what you want. Stake tips and a green salad and you want a burrito and I was like, aw, adorable. Look on your finger, is that a ring from Zales? Ah.

Jesus would be looking at me going like, ah, fuck, Pat Brown, he's dude, come on, I'm Jesus. I think this guy did his acting, you know, his method acting Daniel Day Lewis by hanging out with John Eddward for a month, you know, just going around like, I'm getting an M for your mother's name, is it Mary?

Is it Mary and Skyward, he seems like the biggest douche in the universe. Oh, this movie is so looming its audience up for cold readers without realizing it. Like anybody who watched this movie and was convinced, like Eli could get their entire life savings out of them in three hours. Oh, I can convince anyone who enjoys this movie that I am Christ of Nazareth. I mean, that is a good deal.

Oh, yeah. If you have a, I know a lot of people write us sometimes and they're like, oh man, this movie tortured me as a kid or my aunt loves that movie. If you have family that loves this movie, tell me I will Skype into them and blow your fucking family's mind. And then I'll call them just like write your brother out of the wheel or sacrifice a chicken. What's in front of that? Go kill Andrew. New Patreon goals. And also this is a really weird moment and I have to bring it up because like, you know, he's like, oh, I'll give you all your food for free.

And Sting goes, that's weird. If it's free, it's not worth having. But then he picks up the newspaper and he's like, oh, I see what your scam is. You give away free food, but you save the cost by having a 50 year old newspaper. Like really with that work is a, you're a restaurant owner, you fucking idiot. Do you really think that that would balance out restaurant overhead versus food overhead is pretty high let me tell you the newspaper costs are what really get some also let's talk about how insane this moment is and how very clearly in

a horror movie this is he goes uh an old newspaper this is from the owner he he died 50 years ago and he's like yes I still keep it there right where he was and That's when everyone should be like oh The belongings of a dead man right where he died. Well, would you look at that? I'm not wearing a watch for them looking at my wrist Also, this is so fucking weird because he goes Jesus turns to everybody and he goes ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha People read the obituaries, recreation, I had to look it up by the way, the obituaries don't make the top 20. The most popular part of the newspapers, the editorials, and then the TV listings, and then the travel section for Foxig. But for whatever reason, they felt that was necessary dialogue to sneak in there. They want to make sure they didn't die, you know, just I don't know.

I won't know unless I see it here. How will I ever find out? I see, I'm right out wide, no, I'm still alive. Check in for himself. Guys, I made it. I made it this week. So, but also it's this very weird, creepy threat, too, right? Because he's like very clearly, Sting is reading the obituaries and he goes, yeah, the guy who owned this place was reading those obituaries, the same obituaries and then died the next day.

Like, why would you tell someone that? Well, if you weren't planning on killing them. To be fair, Sting's former tag team partner, the ultimate warrior, went on wrestling television about a year or two years ago and talked about a man's last heart beating and his reputation and what it would be if people loved him and he died the next day. So I think he was just really trying to get in on that. Oh, you think you were doing a good job? Oh, I got you.

Deep cut. Yeah. Well, here's the fucked up thing. Here's the fucked up thing. This movie came out in 2010. I know. So, they, yeah, they must have killed that dude, that ultimate warrior dude, just to like, you know, up the, up the revenues on the flick. the flick and also of course this is where he has to suggest like

to sting what his favorite food is and he says you want a porterhouse steak and a piece of cherry pie straight from the windowsill which would mean wet because it's raining outside right you want me what pie he means hot and fresh but because Jesus only can speak in like weird, winky, grandma's here to love you and give you the kisses you always remembered, like vagaries. When he says window sill, you literally see a cut to outside where it's raining. So it's very clear, like, no, it's not exaggerating. It's very clear, like fresh from the window sill, boom, raining on the window.

And see, listen to him, like him like that would that would be loop and he's like I didn't think through anything I said I'm gonna murder you now I know you guys have music notes I don't know if you have cinematography notes but I'm gonna make one who decided on these camera angles someone who directed a lot of creepy smashing pumpkins videos from the 90s or something like everything is shot like a security camera up in the corner. Right. And then it's super close up.

It's like, you're not helping this not be silent Hill guys. No, they were, it honestly felt at certain points like they were just finding something they could set the camera on, right? Like if we set out this table and put two books under it, you know, you can see everybody. Yeah. Yeah. It's all too hard. You're gonna knock down the camera. Right. Soft steps, guys. Soft steps.

He's spent all the money on sting. We can't afford a tripod. So now of course, Jesus goes over to take the order from the husband and the bitchy wife and he has to tell both of them that they can fuck off with their satanic diet coke bullshit because he only does water. But in his defense, he turns to her and she's like, what would you like? And she's like, I'd like a diet coke and he's like, oh, we only have water. And she's like, fine, I'll have a water and then he turns to Hank and Hank's like, can I have a diet coke? And he's like, no man, I just fucking told your wife. Oh, I have his water. Were you here?

This is why she hates you Hank. This is why she How long have you been married? Also and then again just to reinforce what a bitch she was he Hank orders a burger and Jesus goes would you like fries with that and that apparently is a marital issue. She looks at him like, you're gonna order the fucking fries, aren't you, you son of a bitch. I mean, I can sort of relate, because whenever I order at a restaurant,

my wife has the 30 to 45 minutes it takes for me to ask a waiter whether or not their diet coke is vegan and that I need it won't be a medical macaroni press. But so I related to this pretty obviously. Sometimes your wife does hate you based on how you order food That's all I'm saying I got and we've already mentioned this, but we have to ask why can Jesus get literally any food you want But you can't drink anything but water. I mean oranges like can oranges not be ground into Jews Oranges like can oranges not be ground into Jews Satanic all the sudden he cannot get you anything but water you

Juice drinking some of a bit Yeah, well, that's the thing too like like I mean I'd understand it if everybody was like you know I want a beer I want a shot of absence or whatever, but they're like you know no orange juice I guess Aspartene is the make of the devil. You know what it was? Heath and Noah visited the diner right before this movie happened. And after all the after six lines of coke and all the white Yeager Meister that he

requested he was like, that's it. From now on, only water and food. Well, he did offer us free, free everything if we took the specials. So what the hell we're going to do. So yeah. And then of course, like Hank has to ask, he's like,

hey man, how do you know our names? And he goes, I'm Jesus. I know everything. And I'm like, wow, we're not even gonna hit around or anything, are we? Just come right out and say it five minutes in. He says, quote, I've known you since before you were born at which point all of our notes simultaneously turn into

run people motherfuckers. You need to run. He could be quoting, I'll be watching you by the police. simultaneously turn into run people motherfuckers need to run. He could be quoting I'll be watching you by the police and it would still be less creepy than what he's saying. All right, the stalkers and them there. Yeah. And of course, the bitchy wife has the only sane response in the room

when this creepy dude identifies himself as Christ of Nazareth. She's like, I gotta go. I don't care that it's fucking rain and of course, and then sting is like, hey, you know, you're kind of hot. Looks like you're on the out with your husband. I'll take you. She likes the little chocolate. Apparently. And this reverse cuck porn is upsetting. Because she's like, yeah, I'll go with you sting. I'll go with you all night long and Hank's like, but wait, what if you stayed back here at the dining room with me?

Don't think she's like, shit the fuck up, hang in there, walk out and he's just like, thanks a lot Jesus, my wife just left me. What he totally does, dude, he starts blaming his failed marriage. I'm like the last person that spoke with her before she left.

Who will unlock my penis now, Jesus? He has the keys. spoke with her before she left who will unlock my penis now, Jesus. He has the keys. If my birthday. So we had on side where I was stinging the bitchy wife or chatting before pulling out the of the parking lot. I mean, but dammit if his car won't start, so they can't go. And she again reacts to this moment as she reacts to everything in the movie with white

hot hatred. Yeah, car won't start and she's like seriously, you fucking broke the car. And he's like, no, the car is broken. I's like, I'm a band. It's a late model luxury sedan and it works about as well as the Mercedes and the Christmas shoes hallmark movie is like, hey, if they ever think of buying American, it's a freaking luxury sedan, you know? Yeah, right. And that's the thing too. Like, I mean, it's not 1970 fucking four. How often do you go out in your car anyway?

But yeah, so we go back into the diner and Kayla the hitchhiker she's not really sure this that this dude is Jesus so he shows her his uh Jesus Christ driver's license he really wants to get into rumors tonight he gets bottle service what was that was the crazy was that supposed to be comedy I have a feeling that supposed to be comedy except it was played in Stony West Anderson fucking silence Well, right right yeah exactly I wanted him to you know zoom in on it could have been funny, you know 12 25 0 0 0 0 0 is the birthday that would have been funny sure no

Yeah, I think I think they saw the a super bad Mcloven meme, but didn't see the movies so So they're like, ah, fake ID, it's hilarious, right? And then Jesus goes all miscleo. All right, so again, he's still convincing people that he has the son of God and Omnation, but he says like, well, for example, I know that Melissa's about to go drive to see her boyfriend and she's hoping he'll propose, but any will, but don't marry him. And I'm like, that's, that's a miscleo. That's not, that's not Jesus anymore, right?

Exactly. Sometimes you like to be around people, but sometimes you like to be alone. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Car. If any moment Jesus was going to have people pick a card in this movie, I was really waiting for it. Yeah. And he, he also says, you're a woman, you're precious. Like, yeah, just make sure you don't want rights or bodily autonomy. You're a person.

You're a person. Like a silent possession. How? Look at chocolate diamond from sales. You get it. You were given the choice of any food in the world and you asked for steak tips. You probably think a diamond from the other precious. Don't use the thinky parts honey. That's just for men.

Right. Well, and then as if that wasn't an unimpressive enough trick, then Hank comes up and says, well, what do you know about me, Jesus? To which he says, I know that your wife no longer wants to be your wife. I'm like, well, congrats you, fuck, Tard, everyone in this diner, the goddamn cop that turned him around probably figured that out. Yeah, everyone who's ever seen them together has figured that out. And then we have this weird moment where he's like, I mean, if you want me to save your marriage, just say Jesus, please save my marriage. And he's like, I mean, can't you just, and he's like, no, no, you got to actually like say it. Jesus, please save my marriage.

He's like, Jesus, please save my marriage. And he's like, yeah. Okay, first of all, why would he want that marriage saved? He's obviously suffering from years of emotional and horrible abuse. The only smart thing she's done is leave. And, you know, another thing, the guy kind of accepted that whole Jesus is at a diner thing pretty easily. Most people would have questions or something like, why does

Jesus look like the bad actor from Wayne's world? Is Charles Henson going to come in and stand in for him any second now? Well, yeah, and again, like it comes back to that over and over again in this in this movie. The fact that it is a marriage means it needs to be saved. It doesn't matter how unhappy the people are. And then we cut back outside where apparently Sting has just been trying to turn the car over for about eight and a half minutes. And now he's finally giving up. Okay, but to be fair, Sting has actually been trying to find his way out of that car frame.

And is he's like I think handles handles are on the top right I put more yeah but eventually I guess he he makes his way back out so he's like well I guess we'll have to go back inside the bitchy wife is like I'm not going back in there to which he says well the guy may be crazy, but he's probably harmless. I would not, I mean, I would think harmful before I think crazy. Right. Someone who thinks they're Christ of Nazareth

probably isn't totally harmless, right? But if he thinks you're an olive tree when you walk back in. Yeah. So they go back inside and of course, an over and over again this is going to happen in the movie, but Jesus has to tell staying all about how like he can offer him greater treasures than all the money and wealth that he's accumulated through his burger business or whatever. Yeah, and the last time staying heard and offered like this it was Dixie Carter convincing

him that she'd be as good as Ted Turner like open checkbook and that's another wrestling reference that that one guy you mentioned is loving right now. Narrow casting, it's good, it's good. I just wrote at this point, I'm like, wow, this movie has all the subtlety of a dick and a salad. And now I guess, you know, despite Sting's car not working, bitchy wife still hasn't forgiven Hank. So he explains that Jesus can save their marriage.

And she hates him. Oh yes. And however all of this, all the times that she's been just berating him, he looks happy to see her like, oh you came back, thank God. Yeah, no, he's okay. And she's got the key to his dick box.

He's the only thing I could assume assume and now we get what is very obviously the most blatant magic trick of this Which is that Anita Sarkeesian of course has eaten all the bread and looking at her face. Let's get real She probably eats a lot of bread and she's like, oh, we're all out of bread Can we get some more bread and he's like check the basket and she's like oh my god David Lane get stuff putting stuff Yeah, and but that is all that fucking takes because at that point Melissa has to take Caleb to the later's room So I thought they could sneak out the fucking window and call the police But no is so they can discuss If they think maybe he's really Jesus. Over bread.

And then Sting gets the joke of the movie where he's like, oh, what are you gonna do next? Turn water into wine? It's like, yay, a joke, you tried. Yeah, that's the closest we'll ever come to humor in this film, yeah. So then we cut to the ladies room where these two are still not having lesbian sex. Right.

And they are, they are rocked to their very core by there being more bread in a bread basket. And again, I'm just saying, if you have family that likes this movie, I will fucking destroy your inheritance. Just give me one guy call with them. I love, there's this bizarrely amazing line too because like Melissa's like Didn't that freak you out with the bread and Kayla's like you you haven't been to some of the places I've been What the fuck does that?

What's wrong? Oh, I'm from the fucking side of the tracks where they regenerate baggots lady. What the fuck was that even supposed to mean? You have been in the places like I've been like Monday night magic what and that's that is exactly like the inference there is like oh I've seen some hardcore fucking magic the truth is this girl is like a victim of abuse and incest which by the way does not teach you how magic works like by the way if you put a second napkin on top of the original Back I'm gonna More now

But now you know that So Oh Yeah, but no but they but but Melissa the asian chick is convinced this really is Jesus And and she wants to leave, I guess, but the runaway girl isn't going anywhere. Apparently she's holding off for linking rings, I guess.

I guess. I think a mountain he's just got like black girl in a box and he's like, the cat. And he's like a, oh crazy billion of remake. He just gets more and more magician-y until at the end he's just like, dives. And they're like they're like you're not mad you're not Jesus. Sorry. You're just like a a bad roadside magician. He's like $25 So we head out back into the dining area and I should point out like

This is the scene right there aren't Multiple scenes are set to these just gonna be this one scene till the movie movies over. So apologies in advance if you're expecting some changes of scenery. So we head back out to the dining area where sting is now looking out the window and quoting the Bible verbatim. Yep. Yep. Even though he doesn't believe in God. Right. Right. Yeah. Now I love this part so much too because Jesus is like, that's one of my favorite parts of the Bible. I'm a real big fan of that book. I'm like, Jesus being a fan of the Bible is like, that's one of my favorite parts of the Bible. I'm a real big fan of that book. And I'm like, Jesus being a fan of the Bible is like me being a fan of God-awful movies, isn't it?

Like if somebody comes up to me and says, oh, I love your work. And I said, yeah, me too. That would be a dick move, right? What's your favorite episode? I'll tell you my favorite episode. And that's really interesting to get there. You must listen to my podcast.

So, or I'll burn you in hell. Right. And of course he has to tell sting about You must listen to my podcast. Or I'll burn you in hell. Yeah. And of course he has to tell Sting about how awesome his parents were and how hot his granny was or whatever. Oh, yeah. He's very clearly trying to start a fight with Sting here, right? Where it's like, oh, I loved your grandma all night long.

Oh, shit. But apparently Jesus is only here at this diner because Sting's grandma prayed for Jesus to turn him around and turn him, you know, towards the Lord or whatever. And I also got to point out that he's using the Bible first of all to quote it because of the bad weather. He's like scattered showers of bullshit, man. What the hell? Yeah, your Bible didn't say anything about the fact that it was going to be raining tonight. Did it? No, that's apparently a counter apologetic. Right. And the challenge he poses is like, don't you see?

I saved your life because you all would have died in the rain. He's like, yeah, but why did you do the rain in the first place? He's like, oh, because of these keys and the way they jingled. Yeah, right. Sting. And this happens over and over again in the movie. But sting points out, look, you don't get credit for stopping a rape if you were gonna be the rapist Right that doesn't fucking count and over and over again in this movie

He'll make Jesus will make some point and then like they'll make like this very valid Counter-argument and Jesus like yeah, let me go get I'm gonna go in the back. I'll um yeah, see right um Okay, but what if the rape that I let happen was gonna build your character? Jesus, we actually get there and you know what for just a second I actually thought this movie was had like a clever Layer underneath it because what I assumed at this point was oh, they all died in the flood right the the road at this point was, oh, they all died in the flood, right? The road washed out and killed all of them. Yeah, and then this is like limbo or whatever, where they decide whether to go to.

And I thought, you know, that is actually kind of clever and a good filmmaker actually could have done something with that. Spoiler alert, that's not where we're going. There is nothing clever about this movie. Now more than he states that he actually took advantage of the storm and He's he pretty much says straight out Christianity wants to take advantage of the weak willed followers. He said it himself

Yes Yeah over and over again, he'll admit what a terrible fucking person he is. Yeah But but of course before we can get to that we have to go back to bitchy wife and shit So that she can ask Jesus to tell her something about herself that only she would know I wanted it so bad to be a venereal disease And again, bitch face raven Simone is right. It makes more sense that in Jesus I told you to pick her up so that you wouldn't so someone else would because I knew it would happen And you didn't didn't seem to know how that works. Do the omniscience is really like a tough one for them. It reminds me of the Duke in

measure for measure, which is a Shakespeare play, just trying to pretend that he had all this shit plan the whole time. And I just realized I compared a David A.R. White movie to Shakespeare. Fuck. So make sense. I can picture David our white monologuing like Angelo about whether or not he should rape his co-actresses. I get it. Oh my God. Someone got that reference. That just made my C dad. He was gonna work out after all. I told you. I knew it was worth every penny. any. So and of course at this point like Jesus accuses the bitchy wife of not being a true Christian and she's quite pissed about that one. Right she explains that she teaches Sunday

school and he's like yeah but if you had this is an exact quote look if you had half the faith of one of those kids you'd be so much better off and it's like, oh, so she'd be way better off if she had half the faith of a child who can't tell reality from fiction. Well, right, right, exactly. And completely without realizing the irony there. And I love this too, because she starts storming off to the bathroom, but for just a second, it looks like she's about to walk up and slap Jesus.

Oh, yeah. I really wanted that. I thought we were gonna get up and bring her tight brawl and yeah, right, right. Exactly. Sting would get involved. She storms off and he turns to heck and he goes, Hank, she's just going to the ladies room.

And I wanted him so badly, and it'd be like, it's a number two. Yeah. And I think he accused Jesus of going to the ladies room to make an anti-target statement. Sting doesn't want you in the ladies room trans people, so there. Oh, it's amazing. He goes, uh, hey, if you can see everything, doesn't that mean that you're in the ladies room?

He's like, hey, that's not fucking funny, okay? That was a misunderstanding. I got my dick out because I was going to use the bathroom, and then I was already hard because I was thinking about my wife, who I love very much, and all the, and then I was already hard because I was thinking about my wife who I love very much and I was trying to put it back in but I have a muscle twitch being people can read the court documents Andrew filed for me Yeah, I was gonna say you you really seem to have that at the ready didn't you?

And so and then of course I guess Anita Circassian comes back to to talk to her because It's a lady's room and they're women I guess I don't know. And so and then of course I guess Anita Sarkeesian comes back to to talk to her because it's a lady's room and they're women I guess I don't know. So and I also I want to point this out okay so just in case every just to make sure everybody remembers it has been 20 minutes in the movie since everybody ordered food and they don't even have fucking salad yet my yelp review of this movie will not be kind. And I also feel like we should point out that this is where Jesus shifts from horror movie villain to like bad abusive husband and any other normal movie where he's like I did give you a lot to think about didn't I and I'm like this sounds too much like an abuser you know trying to convince his wife to accept it that it won't ever happen again it

was absolutely freaky. And it gets worse and worse throughout the way. Like from this point on, he will become more and more abusive husband. But in the same weird, whispering, smiley tone of voice, which makes it even creepier. If you were drunk and screaming this at a woman with a black eye in front of the panthers game, you'd be like, all right, I get it. It's the fact that he's smiling at you from behind his Mickey Mouse mask. The mix is so fucking terrible.

Something. And then she starts buying into it all of the sudden. She's been nothing but be super bitch for the whole movie. But now it's like, he can fix what's wrong with my marriage. The running theme in this movie is that marriage is more important than the mental and physical well-being of the people involved. Well, right. Eli said this a number of times before.

All Christian movies treat marriages as though they were babies, right? We have to save the marriage. That is the most important thing. And right, because Melissa is saying, well, do you really think he's Jesus and Catherine's going, well, he did find my card and I mean, I saw him. Shuffle. So only really one explanation. and then and uh... cathartis going like well he did find my card and i mean i saw him shuffles so only really one explanation this is incredible moment where the actress goes

i don't even know who i am anymore and i go and i wrote my notes that's okay i don't know which black actors you are either and so i guess now it's time for hank and sting the have a one on one and I wrote my notes Holy fuck, they're still an hour. How is this not the wrap up? But he you know like and and I love this conversation the two of them have two because he's like well You know things like well, do you think that guy's Jesus? He says well he says he's Jesus and I've seen no evidence of him being crazy

I'm like Cuaze of that sentence. Yeah, Hank is Right Thing continues to reverse cock and he goes yeah, I mean because Jesus comes out and he's like oh money's not everything goes yeah No, there's a lot more to life than money like family, huh? How's that going for you Hank? family, huh? How's that going for you Hank? How's that fucking no family thing working out? Huh? Yeah, and then Hitchhiker girl says that she doesn't think

Sting pointing out as verbal abuse is nice. Like, hey, it's okay that she's doing it, but how dare you? How dare you point out the thing that is obviously happening? Right, and this is, oh god, this movie took such a fucked up turn. This is when I realized that this was going to be a lot of fun. Because Stings basically says, man, you suck at Jesus' thing, to which Jesus says, hey, man, I could have killed you in 1974 and I didn't, bitch. How about that?

I heard actually his message. Yeah, I heard people so they'll thank me later. Jesus in this movie and dungeon masters. Right. So, yeah, so he tells this story about, he's like, you remember that time you were gonna jump off the cliff and dive into the water and you tripped over that rock at the last second and broke your hand and he's like, yeah, he's like, if I hadn't put that rock in front of you, you know, you would have dove head first

and broke your head and he's like, couldn't you have moved the rock that I was gonna break my head off of? Yeah, he's like, you stop asking questions. Yeah, he's like, you know, Jesus put that stone in his path because Sting needed to remember having his life ruined. Like, they're tying out that it's gone from psychotic to abuse just like I am.

If you stayed on the straight and narrow, you wouldn't make me hurt you all the time. Can't you see how right about everything? Why do you keep making me hurt you Sting? Well, and then, and Kayla brings that up. She's like, well, couldn't you have just not broken his hand either? And he's like, hey, you know what,

I could have killed you too and I didn't. I just wanna let you know. And Kayla, again, who we're going to learn is a rape victim, is like, yeah, there's lots of stuff that I feel like you should be able to prevent. And he's like, I know you're talking about the rape thing. Like he says, you're talking about that thing that happened in LA, because we're all like,

boop, boop, boop, boop about it. But what he's saying is, oh, are you being a bitch about the whole me letting you get raped thing? And she's like, I don't wanna talk about that. You evil malevolent demon. And he's like, you're being kind of a downer. That's a little sput. Now, here's the fucking crazy thing.

Sting, because usually in these movies, the atheist character gets good lines and then the God character goes like, no, stop, stop, though. I want you to stop. And then it's over, right? For some reason, the atheist is satisfied. But Sting doesn't drop it. He goes, what about the people who blow up abortion clinics? And he's like, I never told anyone specifically to blow up an abortion clinic and quote.

Well, and, but even, but we have to take a stab at Muslims before that, right? Because he says, well, what about all the people who are gonna blow themselves up in your name in the Middle East? And, and Jesus is like, you're thinking of Muslims? That's not, it's the other guys. And then he's like, oh, okay, what about abortion clinics?

And he's like, uh, not real, Scotsmen even as it turns out. They basically do a fucking Tom Cruise. Uh, Jack Nicholson moment. I wanted him to be like, Oh god damn right. I ordered the code red. A killer. I was seen to go unpunished.

And that's why I killed those babies this move. Okay. All right. Yeah. So let's talk about that because this is the point where again, like you said, most of these movies at that point Sting would have been oh, that's a good point, I guess But no he says all right. Well, let's talk about all of them

Genocides you ordered in the Bible And I'm like wow, okay, let's talk about that to which the Jesus character says well What I'm gonna let let all his babies grow up be sinners. Of course. I'm genocide in them Have you ever met a cana night sting? They're super pushy about their carpets and shit. It's gross They literally admit that Jesus is arguing that the genocided people deserved it Yeah, and he says in response to ordering a genocide, I am love. So let's make this specific here. A portion of clinics being broken up, you know, blown up and genocide

or apologetics, I am love. He says there is one human being on this planet that's an accident right after he says he's in love with response to a genocide. Yes. Also, he's after he says he's loving goes, look, if he says you will only be as happy as much as you obey. Again, you obey me. I won't kill you this movie. Over and over again, this is the

exact quote, I think the extent to which you experience joy is the extent to which you bend to my will. I believe that is an exact quote from this movie. If you don't own shark to cons and you say that to people, you are doing something wrong. I just didn't realize that Jesus was so into SNM. I mean, I was getting a real lot. T slash S feeling from staying in Jesus right there.

And again, if the movie had gone there, would have been a better movie. He also tells us that heaven is more than glory. I thought Tom and Cecil would enjoy that one. Yeah, it's a glory hole. That is heaven though, that is heaven. Now of course, Stinglow is still giving him shit. So he's like, well, will I get into heaven?

And he's like, your choice. I mean, you know, you might decide all on your own that you want to burn for eternity and hell. We might make that decision for you. Will we walk the streets of gold? No sting. You will never be world champion again. Get over it.

Exactly. Melissa, why don't you tell everybody about the time you're really super liked me? I feel like that's a great way for people that definitely is just like, why don't you tell everyone about the time you liked me? And then in a Christian movie again just picture this picture the amount of self-dick suck required Christian movie the character describes that she was suicidal and at her lowest point

and then she went to a Christian movie festival and the Christian movie she watched was so amazing that it saved her life. Yep. And first of all Christian movies festival suicide I'm picking the ladder but also like I have expected her at this point to go and that movie was directed by this hot blonde dude named David AR something I can't remember but yes yeah and again this is not the first time we've seen a David AR white movie where he's where like the characters all stop to talk about how awesome Christian movies are and how important it is that people make them. This has happened multiple times now again the lady does protest too much and there's also this incredible moment it's just a tiny moment but as she's describing how amazing the

Christian movie is she goes oh and it was so full like the theory. And David, our weight has a large penis way above average. And Eli and I have talked about this before. You know, people talking about, rather go to Jesus, then take their prescriptions, their life, say, medicine. We are both on the same wavelength on that one. But only Christians who help people who feel suicidal, right, Eli?

Right, Atheist? That's the only people who help anyone who's suicidal. There was a guy named Pastor Carl, our calling pastor Carl, who came to our school and told us that Penn had a suicide epidemic because we accepted trans people. And that's why we have suicide rate. We have had 13 people commit suicide at our school since 2013 and the reason is because we're all trans people and we feel bad about it because we're ignoring God. Fuck you Carl, fuck you movie. This is the bullshit you use to justify people not taking their goddamn depression pills Because the only reason they're feeling suicidal is that they're not acknowledging the right guy at the fucking diner who knows your entire Fucking life maybe trans people get suicidal more often than not because of people like you and pastor Carl who think you know

Better than we do about who the fuck we are sorry. Well, right right yeah exactly I'm gonna tell you your pieces shit over and over again, and then when you kill yourself, I'm going to say, see your pieces shit. Yes. That's exactly the fucking argument. Now, what we need is to get Kelly Colberg over to Penn. I'll see what I can do. I'll see what I can do.

Well, I can take care of that. My screenwriting professor's cousin is Kelly and Conway, so we're close. Oh, God. I wish that was making that. Oh, no. All right. So, and then of course, all right. So we get to the end of this little suicide flashback from Melissa and, you know, Jesus wraps her story by telling, okay, these are the words come into me.

All you are weary and burdened. That is an anal gangbang invitation, right? It's like, you guys are feeling bad bad you want to take me in the ass? I wrote my notes come on to me all of you the Eli Bosnick story. Right. Did you find that rest? You know, I got over being suicidal because I was only that way in the first place because of a stupid, stupid, meanie had boyfriend.

Mental illness is stupid. Well, now we learn why it is because remember earlier he was like, stupid, meanie had boyfriend. Mental illness is stupid. What a god. And now we learn why it is, because remember earlier, he was like, yeah, your boyfriend is gonna propose to you. And I wrote, and he goes, you can't, and so now we're learning like, oh, what are his magic predictions for her, right?

He's going all misclio. He goes, you can't marry Paul. And I wrote, again, as a joke, as I have so many times in this fucking thing. He can't marry Paul because he's Jewish. That's, and that's, I mean, he doesn't say Jew, but he definitely turns out not to be a Christian. Well, yeah, he says not Christian.

And that's why he's, and that's why she's not allowed to marry Paul. Yeah. And I love the way he brings this up to, because he says, he says to me, he's like, there are times I'll ask you to do things you don't want to do. And she goes like, what? And I wanted him so bad to go like, have you ever heard of an Alabama hot pocket?

I think exactly, I wrote the things you're not going to want to do. Like anal, you'll get it. Yeah. Also, he then says, you have a very tender heart. And I wrote, you have a very tender heart. God in this movie, and Hannibal Lecter. And then he says, it's just not my will

for a couple to be unevenly matched. Yeah, he's a dirty atheist, so I broke you two up to make you wanna kill yourself. You should be thanking me. You should be thanking me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can't have happiness if it inconveniences me, and all I'm writing is these people are still waiting on their god damn appetizers

You didn't point out the best line of the whole scene which is it's more important that he loves me More than he loves you that is the actual fucking line And look higher archer go polyamory is such a drag. Am I right? People get it. It's also very difficult to say. But of course, sting somehow still isn't by NS. And I'm trying to puzzle out this human being that sting

is supposed to be representing here. And I'm using human being obviously in the largest umbrella sense of the term. But apparently, as near as I can tell, Stings character now accepts that this guy is Jesus, but he's still being a dick. Right. You know, you know how atheists all secretly believe in God. We're just mad at him. That's what Stings really representing here. God shut up. He compares it to deal or no deal, and suddenly everybody's pissed off at

sting being cynical. Like there was no preamble to that. All the sudden everybody's like, yeah, fuck you sting, repent. Well, and also, okay, so again, you don't have to point out how wrong you are in your own fucking movie. But he's like, you know, uh, sting, I want you to see your grandma again. She's in heaven. You have to do what I say to get there. He's like, oh, you're blackmailing me. He's like, oh, you're blackmailing me. He's like, no, that's not blackmail. I'm like, you just said if you ever want to see your grandma again, you have to do what he said.

That is exactly blackmail. Right, he goes, it's not blackmail. It's punishment if you don't do what I, oh my God, it's blackmail. Yeah. Why are they making staying point out exactly what is wrong with everything he's saying? They don't, as you guys often say, you're the movie.

You don't have to give completely rational responses Also super rapey moment here. He's like so you're forcing and he goes I mean I'm a gentleman I would never force myself on you or anybody else and I wrote I mean the not Eli Bosnick story Still if you're pointing out that you're a gentleman and you would never rape somebody you're being rapey Well, right right exactly Gentlemen does not equal rapists. But again, let's take this analogy the whole way. He's like, I'd never force myself on a... Now I may lock you in a room and not let you out

until you have sex with me. Right? That's basically the analogy here. I'll burn you forever if you don't have sex with me. Well, right. I'm a rapist. I'm a bad guy. Shit, guys. This little diner trip reminds me that I'm a bad god.

Remember this steak though? That was nice. I think this is going to be Sting's Kevin Sorbo moment where we find out he's mad because God took his grandmother. That, you know, it's just a precursor to God's not dead. This is where it's coming. Apparently. that you know, it's just a precursor to God's not dead. This is where it's coming. Oh, apparently. Also, then he gives us this fucking not so description of how he's like,

Oh, you want me to leave you alone? You know where I'll leave you alone? Hell, because you know what's in hell. There's no sunshine on a spring day in hell. There's no rain moon, moon, I hell earth is better than hell. Earth is better than hell. That's my point. My point is earth is better than hell. Okay. Yeah

To which thing says hey if you're not gonna be there hell never sounded so appealing to me and I'm like hey man I was thinking the same thing just watching this movie so yeah He says there's still love and I need to remind everybody this is coming from the guy who ordered genocide But says there's no love in hell the other place. Well, yeah I mean even the Christian chicken this movie isn't by it is bullshitt at this point she's like that the kiela that the hitchhiker she's like well wait a minute now if everybody actually knew there was a hell nobody would

choose to go there so saying that he made a choice is kind of bullshit right yeah we think oh no yeah we know we say there are two choices we can clearly see each of them and the one we go with swan dive into the lake of hell potty apparently yeah and i wrote at the as soon as she said that i wrote i bet this movie has no meaningful response to that i win yeah so yeah and then he says i've revealed myself to everyone and uh that goes along with the indecent exposure charge i think

yes and i guess this movie really has the the one scene we might as well just take a break wherever but first i'm gonna act three the hard sell here will hang get to spend the rest of his life with that by a bit of a wife why would anyone want to condemn him to that will anyone ever get their fucking food order find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the it's time for the credits conclusion of the encounter

Okay, you guys are back. Let's try this again. Okay. Okay. All right, and no sexual stuff, okay. All right now Would you guys like some bread? Sure, that would be... Hey, take a look. Wow. Ooh, oh, you're a magician. What? Awesome!

No, no, no, I'm not a magician. I'm here to tell you your deepest desire. Oh, okay, a mentalist, awesome, sorry, sorry. Okay, what do I want? Do me first. Okay guys, that's not really what this is. Okay, it's mentalist awesome. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. Uh, what do I want? Do me first? Okay, guys, that's not really what this what this is. Okay. It's not like a trick So see you can't do it boo bad magician bad magician. No, I'm not okay. Okay. Okay, fine You know what fine. I do know what you want ramen. I do want ramen and you sir Want to

Sorry, what do I want? No, you know what they never mind. This is not how this is supposed to go. I'm Jesus and I'm here to like Save Okay, you know what fine you want water with come in it. That's what you want to go I Hate you guys And we're back for more of this shit. And if you're thinking to yourself, hey, didn't these people order food 41 minutes earlier in this movie? No worries. Eventually the writers

remembered that too. So we now get Jesus finally serving everyone their favorite meal. And it is the worst food I have ever seen. I would take the, the, the swirl bread covered in maggots that Helen Hannah got. They're moving forward over this food. It is so there is nothing. We're about to find out that a teenage girl was raped by her stepfather and the, the burrito she has served is far more depressing. Far more depressing. Well, and it's like they don't even know that good food looks different than crappy food. Right. Isn't that the one thing Christians are supposed to be good at? Don't you guys do like

collared greens and cake? Or I don't know, just something. I feel like that was the one place you guys were supposed to be good. Well, but now there is, I mean, you know, it doesn't look very good, but apparently it is pretty good because all it took to like turn off the bitch switch for Hank's wife was a decent salad. She must have just been hungry. Who knew that's all it would take for bitch face, Ravens, Simone to get the sand out of her vagina. Salad, right? Yeah. I mean, we've all had that moment where your wife hasn't eaten all day, and then you finally face, Ravens, Simone to get the sand out of her vagina. Salad. Right. Yeah. I think we've all had that moment where your wife has an eaten all day and then you finally you've beat her and then she doesn't want to divorce anymore.

Some of the guys out there get it. We could depend on what you're feeding her. We get it. Yep. And Hank, maybe if you did learn to toss some salad, your marriage wouldn't be in trouble in the first place. That's the thing. That's the thing.

That cares most, yeah. the first place. That's the same. They're here. Here's most tales. And then we get the weirdest transition ever where God basically says, Hey, Kayla, if you come and eat with the family, I won't tell anybody about the R-A-P-E that happens in the lane. It's becoming clear to me that Jesus has no concept of consent whatsoever. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

His views on blackmail make that pretty clear. Right. And everybody's like, oh, this is the best burger ever. Oh, this is the best salad ever. And this is the best steak tips ever. I don't know if you're going to start it. And then he gives it a free and I wanted her so bad for it to be terrible. And we're going to be like, yeah, I hate Mexican people.

Sorry. I just can't'm just saying it, but I'm listening to you. You know, in name of their kids, hey, Sue, is that bothers me? It bothers me. Honestly, because I was watching this whole thing with the Cyrillic subtitles, and I'm like, I am so embarrassed

that Russians are aware of this. This is probably why they're fucking with our elections and shit. Yeah. He also, he served staying his stake, which looks fucking, it's gray. Oh, yeah. The stake is gray and unseasoned and un fucking it's gray. Oh, yeah. The steak is gray and unseasoned and unsealed.

It looks disgusting. It's a poor, like you didn't even ask for a ribeye, you asked for a porterhouse cut, which is like, oh, okay, cool. Let me mail that to you for your birthday. Yeah, we're being like, I mean, you can have anything. You're not gonna go with a filet, man, you're gonna go to Goddamn porterhouse and a gray one at that.

Yeah. And, but, you know gonna go to Goddamn Porterhouse and a gray one at that. Yeah. And, but, you know, like, I guess Nick, a Sting's character doesn't want to eat Jesus' food and Jesus is like, I'm willing to give you many good things. All you have to do is ask. And I'm like, that's an analinga shopper, isn't it? Definitely. When I say that.

To which Kayla pipes up and is like, hey, can you undo the whole rape thing? And he's like, no, but you can have sting steak. What do you think? Well, this was the most painful moment of the movie to me, because this is the part where Kayla points out that like, hey, Jesus, since, uh, you're in charge of things, I guess it's your fault that my stepfather raped to me repeatedly, right? And he's like, I was just whipping you into shape by torturing you on grateful bitch

absolutely that is what this scene is such rights she gives a monologue which we're not gonna go over every beat of she basically goes through all of the impoverished means she's like my mom was a junkie and my dad was on the streets and I got stabbed with a knife and someone turned me inside out and wore me as a Fucking ninth-grade drama like they're doing their best to do like a slow pan in but they keep going past her fucking face and Camera work here is very clearly like dad zooming in very slowly clearly like dad zooming in very slowly. Yeah, grandma. Yeah. Right.

She gives this big quote unquote, tragic monologue, you know, drama 101. And Jesus's response is, yeah, but do you remember when you were going to shoot yourself in the head because of how sad you were about all the rape? Well, I made your stepdad who raped you fall down The previous night which made him remove the clip from the gun now fun fact if he removed the clip from the gun There would still be a bullet in the fucking chamber. Oh, not necessarily, but yes, probably yeah

Yeah, they're doubling down on the whole suicide apologetic thing Jesus answered a prayer and stopped the gun after the rape not before Learn how to you know take not don't take your meds Just pray and all your anxiety and depression will go away pull the trigger. It'll be hilarious If there's anything this movie wants you to know it's that being raped builds character I want it so bad to say like I also made your stepfathers sperm impudent. I don't hear you thanking me for that. I could have been going to hell for an abortion couldn't you but no. I have fast that once. Did you know?

And let's be specific here. He gives drunk dad credit for saving her life. Like yeah shut up. Yeah, she ain't got it so bad. Yeah, he took the clip out of the gun for you. Obviously he cares. And well, it she goes, well, you saw what he did to me. Well, you know, how could you not do anything? And Jesus pulls up his sleeves to show the stagmato. And she's like, oh, well, you got any stagmato wounds bitch, then shut the fuck up. Right. And I mean, not to play like comparisons here, but like maybe getting raped by your dad is as bad. Like it's not a fucking contest. Like, oh, did anyone rape that whole in your ass? No, no, they just like, man, and then I died. Oh, man, I think yours might be worse. Yeah, yours might be because you got to have a cover, don't you? Over and over again. And I died pretty quick for being crucified, actually. Yeah. And I

didn't realize that Jesus was also the guy in the group who always has to one up you. Right. Well, I got crucified upside down and naked. Well, a lobster bit off my cock tops that bitch. Jesus. He's so is too. And of course he has this whole speech to her now about how like he'll forgive her for getting raped, I guess, if she forgives her rapist first. Yeah. He says, look, you need to forgive your rapist because I want you to go back, go through the incredibly painful process of sending your stepfather to jail for raping you. And I want to be clear here, I'm not going to send him to hell

because he's going to find Jesus in jail. But I will send you to hell right the fuck now for not liking me enough. That is very clearly, and is about to be enacted out on another character. Sing to our knowledge. Well, okay, I shouldn't say this thing. Sing's character to our knowledge hasn't raped anybody, right? He's just been like, no man at the diner, I don't accept your weird black male hell scenario.

And he's like, great, you're gonna go to hell forever. And he's doing that right after delivering a model about forgiving this teenage girl's rapist. Yes, yes. By the end of the movie, sting will be punished infinitely more than the rapist. Yes. Keep that in mind.

And to his credit, like a sting comes in at the end of this whole speech gives the slow clap and everything. And that points out how disgusting it is to try to use an emotionally compromised moment to talk an abused child into switching religions. Yeah, Jesus, you know what I got this Christmas? A pack of cigarettes! They grab me and just say hey smoke up stinging! Also, this is when he does that like, he tries to have like, it's not your fault moment with sting. He's like, didn't you feel loved as a child sting? And he's like, yeah, I felt loved, but like, that's not the point. You're an evil demon. He's like, oh, sorry, Nick,

gonna call you on that one. You loved the fruit stand. It was when everyone was in high school told you you were poor, that you no longer wanted to be a simple fruit standardish. I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what Jesus' point was in this fucking scene.

Can anyone tell me? Well, I don't know what Sting's point was either because he like starts talking about like, because at first he goes like, you know, he's like, why do you hate me so much? And Sting goes, I don't hate you. I don't even believe in you, which is just weird since you're talking to him but whatever but then he starts going off on what he does hate which is this just weird libertarian rant in the middle of this which I'm like aren't the viewers libertarian by and large I mean like aren't you making fun of your own audience here I really didn't get that well first of all I have to point out the fact that I am, for the most part, a poor kid

who got into an Ivy League school, so I have to hear this bullshit every single day. But essentially, what I'm getting out of this is you liked doing things for people, and that's why you're worse than a rapist. Well, right, yeah, exactly, because he's talking about like, what do you, what do you, you're talking about? Like, I'm a terrible person. I mean, I, I create jobs with a, with a, with a, with a business that I do. I make people happy. I, I make people money.

I, I bought my parents a new house and, and new cars when I got rich. And I'm like, yeah, you seem like a pretty good guy. Nope. Not by this movie's fucking standards. Because he liked it because he wasn't satisfied with the roadside fruit stand. Well, and because he was proud of his accomplishments, it comes back to that over and over and over again. He's like, yeah, but you did it with pride, so it doesn't count.

Yeah, what? And they also point out that he's ashamed of his accents, so everything he's done is invalid. Yes. Yes, and look, I'm saying, okay, first of all, like getting rid of your accent as an adult, very difficult accomplishment. Kudos to Nick for this, like that's not a bad,

I mean, that's a, like I said, really difficult thing to do. But his reaction to this is to grab Jesus, like he's gonna kick his ass, which Jesus totally deserves at this point, and he can take it. I've seen him take it. And we all wrote in our notes at this point, beat up Jesus. Do it. Do it. Beat the shit out. I wouldn't be so bad like a 20 minute just like,

but, but, but just like with the Wilford Brimley thing at the end of the firm. And I got, and I got a joke was just for Andrew. Andrew's enjoying that. And it's just the point. No's enjoying that. And it all skips the play. No people like it too. And in an alternate universe, this really struck me. And like they would twist this.

And it would become some kind of Jesse Ventura conspiracy where it was like, and everybody could have come back. But you know what? Thing was there. And he turned heel and made sure that he beat up Jesus again. So he never got his place So but instead of the good-ass kick in that Jesus deserves he offers Nick a piece of really shitty looking pie So that they can be friends again. They couldn't do pie right the food in this movie looks like fucking

dog shit. I mean the pie that he has, there's the like the crust is all like, crap up on the front, like, we're not like exage, like this is really like, if you order this in a diner, you'd go like, oh, fuck, I spent two dollars on that. Yeah, I would have say, I'm saying this is a vegan. I'm saying this is a vegan, all the food that you're putting in,

phonymy is a vegan, and I'm criticizing this fucking food. Yeah, and of course, this is where we have to get to grandma moment, right? Because like, uh, sting doesn't remember his grandma, but if he eats the pie, which is grandma's old recipe, he will remember her or something. Right. So he has a flashback to when he was a baby and was at least part Chinese. But radically different race. Yeah, yeah. And then very weirdly, like sting shows up as an adult in his own childhood flashback to very uncomfortably touch the kid.

Yes. I wrote in my notes that kid had a weird day where some where sting came up behind him and grabbed him while he ate pie in a movie. Like that kid's memory forever. I want to find that kid and be like, Hey, do you remember the day? And he'd be like, Yeah, I remember the day's thing came up and grabbed me way too hard for several tanks. And someone told them about the rabbits while they shot that. And now we transition in the middle of this conversation to talking about Sadie. Now, was I just paying attention or do they never give you any fucking clue who Sadie is?

None. Okay. The way he described Sadie sounds like the dog grandma had who went to live in a farm? Like, it's not a lot of things. Yeah, I think it was supposed to be like an ex-girlfriend or something, but they don't establish that at all. Nope. So, and we also learn here that the reason that sting doesn't want to love Jesus is

because he's afraid that people will pick on him for being Christian. Because you know how in America, like when you're Christian, people are always never mind. Oh, I don't know what. He fell as no this, but I'm a Christian pussy. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

And I also, okay, also got to point this out again, weird anti-libertarian moment here while like Jesus is going like, hey, you know, you're not a self-made man. A lot of people had to work hard to like help you to your success. And I'm like, oh, but when a black president says that this is a fucking worse thing that's ever been uttered, but it's okay for Jesus. Yeah, racists. And I know it's just the wrestling fan in me that they use this specific terminology.

He says, think of what we could accomplish with me and your corner. And all I could picture was Randy Savage just being like, he's gonna be like me. Yeah, he's gonna win an invented WrestleMania. Oh yeah. Oh, so I was thinking of Jesus like tagging into a match with the undertaker like he just tags in

He's wearing his weird gross overalls and he just starts telling the undertaker his favorite foods steroids You're not well None of you are well Humans don't look like this naturally And and then officer Deville shows up. Remember him from the beginning? Yeah, they still, oh, the Undertaker, that's who he was.

And so, yeah, so he shows up. And he's like, hey, the road's clear here. If you guys can, but been suckered in by this Jesus character and things like no Satan, I'm still evil. So. Yeah, I didn't take any food. Hey, hey, hey, I didn't take any food. Hey, hey, I didn't take any food and he's like, good job.

Yeah. That's the rest of us. We know each other from work. It's like when me and heath are at a convention and someone's talking about smart stuff and I start to do the jerk off motion to make heat laugh. That's basically what they're doing inside the smoothie. Also, there's this great moment where Jesus uses the the smell my finger defense against Satan

He does a Jedi mind fight One of them so bad a crazy billion her money remake this movie where they do like a No, no I blocked it with my bracelets. I have magic bracelets that I blocked it Yeah, I have I have anti bracelet because I'm God and you're just a devil both well both Then I've used my fire that but the door safe the door use my fire that the door safe the door okay full disclosure I am not a big Star Wars fan that even I was sitting there going did Jesus use the force oh shit so yeah so Nick goes off to

burn in hell for eternity and I wrote my nose bet they don't have money to actually wreck a car or even put a wrecked car on screen and they don't. They don't, just. They just have like weird squealing noises, but there is this incredible moment where the cop, the devil, is driving and he gives like a rock on symbol. Yeah. Two sing and sting apparently sees this and gives him a rock on symbol back. I actually thought that was a nod to a wrestling click that's thing was one thing called the

N. W. O. Wolf pack because that is exactly the hand motion that they use to each other. So I was like, Oh, it's a reference and somehow that's better than this movie. There you go. That is better. But see, as I learned as a child, that is the symbol of satan that with the two fingers up i guess those are the the horns and the thumb is the little fun for whatever also a symbol of heath enjoys his food just a little inside baseball for those of you who ever see he really enjoy a

meal he does like a very quiet low to his waist rock on gesture it's weird he does he does i've never that before, but you're right. So yeah, so we get the correct sound effects that they could afford. And then we head back to the diner so that Jesus can ask, Melissa to take Kayla back to LA. Now I wanna make sure that everyone is completely aware of Jesus' plans.

Jesus is sending the runaway back to her rapist so that she can talk to child protective services and have him thrown in jail. A phone call would suffice. Does the victim have to be in the rapist's presence for this to work? Yeah, it's like freeze tag. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Also, he says, look, she's like, well, I ever see you again. And he goes, I mean, not like this. But if you want to hear from me, listen to the Bible. Ignore the parts about witches. I was drawn up with this flames thing like if you can get one, but like keep it on the D. L. Right Hank? No, no, no, okay, not cool. Not my word. But yeah, but again, we reinforced

the message of this movie and many others Trust in the voices in your head even when that seems dangerous Yeah, and the diamond doubles as hotel California or something because they're like yeah You can check out anytime, but you can never leave unless you're staying in its Satan's like that's Right and then and he's giving everyone their like parting advice So he's like Melissa remember don't marry the Paul because he doesn't have enough Jesus and then Hank's like what about my marriage And he's like God Hank you are so fucking annoying just pray okay Hank just fucking pray Well, but he also like makes it very clear that like you know he turns to Catherine

He's like okay now Hank's in charge now cuz he has the penis Just so you know that's the way it works God, there were still eight minutes left in this movie at this point. I was doing push-ups and shit to stay awake It was so fucking bad Um, and then again, Jesus the one ups man. He says you took Catherine your husband loves you very much But not as much as me I win I win Cash it out and then he goes around the room telling everybody he loves them. And hey, if you ever want to like last longer during sex,

you just need this clip of this guy with me around the room going, I love you. I love you. I challenge you to jerk off to this scene. I challenge you in any one of our listeners. I will send you a goddamn free t-shirt if you can come to the scene. You can't do it. You can't do it. And hang it turns out you've really had a heart all along. Wait, wrong movie. Yeah, sure. Right. So yeah, everybody leaves. Of course, they have this very weird moment. Because I think the actors playing Melissa didn't know that her and the Jesus character

weren't going to fuck at some point in this movie. Because every time she looks at him, it's just like, we get a fuck now kind of a look. And it's like, the Jesus character weren't gonna fuck it. Some point in this movie because like every time she looks at him, it's just like, we get a fuck now, kind of a look. And even as she leaves, she stops and does the whole like come up and see me some time thing. Yeah, absolutely. She reminds me of, they did a prank show way back in the day where they hired porn actors and then they just had one of the actors refused to initiate fucking.

And so you see these porn actors, male and female, just had one of the actors refused to initiate fucking and so you see these porn actors male and female just keep waiting for the other person to try to fuck them. That's her entire performance. If you told me this is like an hour and forty minutes of that prank show, that's what this looks like. So yeah, so they all drive off. They had wherever they're going or whatever.

And damn it, if they don't come across another roadblock with a different cop this time because sting has died brutally and is now burning in hell for eternity. And man, that cop reveals that information, just totally fine. They're like, hey, was sting died here? And he was like, absolutely. I'm totally allowed to give you that information.

You want to see pictures of the body? Yeah, Jesus. Jesus loves you and cares about you, but will kill you instantly if you don't listen. Sting has died for being successful and liking it. That'll teach him. Well, and again, in this movie, it's not just that he died, right? He's also now burning in hell for eternity. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I think that's worth

like circling back to. I also love it. Okay, you know how like there's a figure of speech where you say, wow, this movie really spelled it out, didn't it? That is not a figure of speech in this movie. Okay. So Kayla goes to the to the cop that's stopped him. They're like, well, what about officer Deville? And he's like, who he says, she says, Deville, D-E-V-I-L, long-awkward pause, L-E. It's because like the dumb asses who watched this movie didn't pick it up until then, y'all. That's why they had to put this in.

Because the test audiences were like, why Deville though? Right. And then when they go, like like are they saying French people are the devil The French I agree no and then like again in a normal movie with relatively decent movie making They drive back to the diner and they're like oh, it's gone But instead they go we were just at that diner and Because they need to spell it out so clearly the officer has this weird moment where he's like I've been working this route for 10 fucking years okay there's no fucking diner and they're like oh you're weirdly sure about that. Well and again like are these characters just

now figuring out that there was something supernatural about this evening they spent the whole god damn evening talking to Jesus and they're surprised that the cop doesn't know about the secret Jesus diner. Like were you guys even watching this movie? And it would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that. It was definitely not real. So they go back, so everyone goes about their way and then the black couple go back to where the diner is and like wander around looking for it to see it. Again, there's no reason for this scene wander

around looking for it and have flashbacks to the movie. Yeah, desperately trying to get to 90 minutes at this point. Yes. They're awfully happy for knowing someone just died just simply because they left the Jesus diner. You know, the guy who's willing to stop two girls from committing suicide after the rape after the rape. But after the big, vehicular man slaughters perfectly okay. Well, and also again, like most movies if they were gonna do this scene, the two of them would pull up and there'd be no diner. They'd go, wow, this is pretty creepy, huh? And then they'd move on. But in this stupid fucking movie, the wife's got to be,

are you sure it wasn't a couple more miles up The road and he's like nope. Nope. This is it. She's like are you sure he's like yeah the foundation was over there Are you sure yeah? Yeah, yeah the gate was over here here's the parking lot like they go on with this like five fucking minutes Yeah, and then I think that they showed up to set a day after filming wrapped and we're like where to go like You didn't even tell us. You didn't pay us that much. Here's my check. Where's my check, exactly. And then, and so they're convinced and they decide to double down on their marriage.

And then we get, for the ending, we get a cut of David R. White, because he's fancy and in Hollywood, he's about to eat. And God walks up and says, so will it be a menu? Or this special? Yeah, and I gotta say, I have to point this out because I actually wrote in my notes and I've never written this before, I don't believe, but I actually wrote in my notes

at one point at the end of this movie, how can there still be two minutes left? I was 120 seconds from the end going, they can't possibly have 120 seconds shit left to say right? Yeah, I got returner the king flashbacks during the end Yeah, I have to say this was the least movie I have ever watched in 90 minutes There was there was like literally four minutes of shit that happened in this movie. Yep. All right, well, obviously numeric ratings don't go

low enough for this movie. So rather than asking how many stars you'd give it, I'm gonna ask you this. Imagine you find yourself in a greasy spoon diner somewhere and you get a meal that's as bad as this movie. What did they just serve you? I would have to say stings decapitated head from the accident because they would just bring it back and it would have to say stings decapitated head from

the accident because they would just bring it back and it would be like that scene in indiana jones and the temple to do them they'd be like why don't you eat brains that's what we do here like i would still eat that that might be as bad as this movie chilled sting brains good answer good answer and elie i'm gonna go with the burrito from this movie All right, well, I can't thank you enough for hanging out with us tonight Obviously, you know, we're gonna have your podcast and your book linked on the show notes But if that just isn't enough for our audience is there any else that they can find you?

There certainly is I want to say something first though and that is that a year ago I discovered you guys and in that time I went from being a quiet pacifist in the closet person and I ended up coming out 10 months later by shouting at that hate pastor, I'm transgender fuck you. I came out in public and I started speaking up and I wrote that book because of you guys, because of you for who really made me believe that I had a voice and it was worth hearing. And that's why I started my podcast, that's why I came out, that's why I wrote that book. So I owe a lot more to you guys than I could ever possibly explain.

And I wanted to say thank you for that. Oh, wow, I've literally got goosebumps from that. It's so sweet of you to say thank you for that. Oh, wow. I've literally got goosebumps from that. It's so sweet of you to say. I gotta say, and just for an oddly real moment, then I guess, we talk into an empty room all day, and it really means a lot to be reminded that that actually has some impact when it echoes. So thank you so much for that.

Absolutely. And like I said, I started my own podcast shortly after I discovered you guys That's the inciting incident podcast easiest place to find it is at inciting incident podcast.com or inciting incident that Libson.com, you know, any of the apps to iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, all that good stuff. My book is the PCLi, how American voters decided I don't matter. Like I said, forward by Chris Clouy, there's contributions from Andertoraz, Eli Bosnick, and my husband, a lot of other contributors. You can find that on Amazon, or if you want to copy sign by Chris Clouy, I will send you a PayPal invoice. You can email RISMCwriting at gmail.com. And if you are a wrestling fan, I do write

the column in layman's terms under an old moniker on lordsapain.net every Monday and Tuesday. I also have a blog and I have a Patreon specifically for that. So I do a lot of work. I write a lot of things and I'm always trying to help anyone who is where I was a year ago. It means the world to me to help anybody who is stuck in that situation. Right on right on. And of course, we'll have that all linked on the show notes. Rich, thanks again for your time tonight. Thank you so much. And well, that does it for our review of the encounter. That's not going to do it for the episode yet, because we still need a firey up for the live show next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Oh, we'll be reviewing the right to believe. Huh, what an odd title. I wonder what that could be in reference to. Oh,

we see it's a, it's a fantastic little film about a small town reporter who's forced by his boss to cover a gay pride parade. Oh god. And turns the interview that he's supposed to have with the gay pride parade into a debate about whether or not being gay is a sin. This may be the worst movie we ever watched. I think it might be. Yeah, I've only seen the preview so far, but holy shit. It's not available anywhere, so don't worry about it. We're gonna go through it, but my goodness,

the physical appearance of these actors alone is worth flying to Chicago in the middle of January. I certainly hope so, because I'm doing that. All right, so, and of course, remember, there are still a few general admissions tickets left. You'll find a link on the show notes. If you want to join us in Chicago, we'd love to have you there. So with all that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 73 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Riss and McCool for hanging out. And an even bigger thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of Patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, or earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, this skating atheist, and this kept your crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neelai Bosnick, I'm Noel Elysians's Promise Newark Hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Kayla went home where she was raped to death by her stepdad. This gets a friend of Hobo who owned that diner, killed Sting for not believing he was Jesus.

That's just the plot of the God damn moon. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzzline The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.