God Awful Movies - 77: GAM077 The Resurrection of Gavin Stone

Episode Date: February 7, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of The Resurrection of Gavin Stone; the story of a washed up, burned out child star turning his life over to Jesus and settling for a four. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

It's time for him to act. And this is amazing. This scene is like, imagine if in pitch perfect, they cast a lead actress that couldn't sing and no one ever acknowledged that. When I'm gone, when I'm gone, you're gonna miss me. Can you take this subway sandwich out of your mouth? Nope. I thought I had a good audition. You guys make me fun. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be left us my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. Thanks. So you know who make the best actors?

WWE right? They're amazing. They're amazing. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm so happy. Are you? And dehydrated.

Yeah, I was expecting that. We'll learn all about our lovely little lead actor in a moment. Yeah, so tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched the resurrection of Gavin Stone. It's about a former child actor who hits rock bottom and finds Jesus. It's basically the story of like Kirk Cameron, Melissa Joan Hart and all those other assholes who started making terrible movies for us to podcasts about the movie, which we're doing a podcast about. Fuck.

It's like double metal. Wow. We need a movie about them making a podcast about our podcast. The circle is completely. You mean just porn with the three of us. Sure. We need that too. Yeah. New Patreon goal. And Eli wrap out of him.

How bad was this movie? Well, if you love bad boys gone Christian movies and have a serious reverse elephant man fetish, you know, this movie. Seriously. Yeah. No, we talked about how hotish. You is moving. Seriously. Yeah, no, we talked about how hot the lead actor is already. I guess how hot the lead actress isn't as bound to come up. Oh, disagree. Angela Johnson. What will get to her? You get out of here. Yeah. You got

the racist. No, like she's like she's like she's cute for a blank. And I know, okay, like I don't mean to like judge every actress by blank. And I know, okay, like, I don't mean to like judge every actress by their looks. I mean, God knows we get plenty of that. But like, when the movie revolves around like the guy she's the girl in falls in love with her, you need better than no, no, like for a press correspondent, she's pretty hot, you know, or something like that. She's the third hottest weather girl in Bionne, New Jersey. Yeah, you're right. Just hot weather girls there. It's not high five, whatever.

Nobody's hot in New Jersey. Now, of course, where we send her ugly. It's literally where we throw garbage. That's what we do. Don't get mad at me at home. Oh, I'm from Jersey and my wife's beautiful. No, she's not. That's why we do all of our garbage in New Jersey.

Don't be mad at me. I didn't marry your wife. He made it numbers. Dance back Jersey. Yeah. And also he I think everybody's dying to know which would you say was less pleasant here? If the movie itself or the the three and a half hour round trip drive on treacherous icy winding mountain roads to the nearest theater that was playing this obscure piece of shit. Well, we went to Wayne, New Jersey. We did. And sat on gum covered theater seats for this piece of shit. So, uh, yeah, not great. Normally, I see much better movies when I do that.

Very disappointed. And by the way, everyone at that theater completely did prove Eli's hypothesis, early supported and I guess prove is a pretty strong word. Now, we've already kind of alluded to this as well, but this flick was produced by the WWE and I didn't realize just how many movies they made until I started researching this flick. Apparently, they've been doing this since 2002 when they started producing Dwayne, the rock, Johnson's first couple movies and it's been downhill from there. Like they started with the scorpion king and it's been steadily downhill. Okay, the scorpion king is a fantastic. Yeah, let's put that out there. Thank you. Where do they find body butter in the desert? Where's that pretty cool? Well, now I will say I look through their

filmography and it just reads like a suggestion for Patreon bonus episodes. And it includes the 2014 Lionsgate release leprechaun origins. So we may not have seen the last of our WWE films anyway. Yeah. I thought I'd throw that out there. And now is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yes, I'm going to say best worst. I wish Gavin Stone was more like Corey Hame. Oh, yeah.

As we'd be done. Right now. Can I go with best worst balance between love and trust? We hinted this already, but this movie is the Anna Nicole Smith of imbalances, but reverse. Look, we always make fun of the fact that like David A.R. White and his wife look like an unbelievable couple, but this makes them look like Mary Tyler Moore. It makes no sense. He is, he is agents of shield handsome and she looks like this starring in this movie and kissing him at the end was her make a wish

She looks like she should be doing a poorly thought out half a sketch on mad TV So yeah, I was gonna go with best worst court-ordered Christianity Right, I mean because this is a trope we've actually seen in a of movies. I can't believe they draw attention to the fact that this happens. But like, we see a lot of movies where people are like sentenced to love Jesus for being bad and doing community service at churches. But usually the church is like, you know, this little run-down church that really needs the help. It's not a goddamn Vegas strip mall with its own fucking coffee place in it and every other damn thing. Yeah, I feel like if you want to draw attention to the fact that people are being assigned to do community service at your church, you don't show them a mega church with a chocolate fountain

in the lobby. Right. You want some of that? We don't pay taxes on it. You better run all night and it spoils. And in the morning, we take it and we throw it in the garbage because if we gave it to poor people, they'd come back. And what's some of that? Your wife, you can have some. So you run your face, put on a little play, the safe place here. I did want some of that. Well, obviously, he thought I wouldn't have driven a hundred miles each way if we weren't

really excited about talking about this movie. So we'll pause only for the shortest of moments and when we come back we'll break down all the superfluous character action that is the resurrection of Gavin Stone. Hey, buddy. Hey, hey, hey guys. What's up? Nothing. What are you? What you doing? What why are you guys talking like that? I'm not from the last time you guys did this. You made me take a bath. I don't like this. I don't know. I don't know. Made

All right. Well, what do you want? It's about your mattress. Oh squishy. She's a sea named it. No way. I've had squishy since high school. Nothing is changing there. Yeah, we can tell that you've had him good old times on squish. Heath, look, I got this great Casper mattress just for you, right? See? Okay. Nice try, but you're just going to trap me in that box and bathe me again. I know what's going to have. Matresses don't come in boxes. They're all giant and stuff. Not a Casper mattress. Casper mattress is delivered to your door in a how'd they do that size box for exactly that reason. It's like a magic trick. I don't know. I'm kind of used to squishy here. The Casper is an obsessively engineered

mattress and a shockingly fair price. Designed developed and assembled in the USA, it combines supportive memory foam to create an award-winning sleep service with just the right sink and just the right bounce. And with over 20,000 reviews in an average of 4.8 stars, it's quickly becoming the internet's favorite mattress. Hmm. Okay. Hold, squish out of here. Finally. Oh, oh, man, what is that? I had orange juice in 1995. No, and if you want to try Casper for a hundred nights risk free in your own home, go to Casper.com God awful and use the code God awful. If you don't love it, they'll pick it up and refund you everything.

Plus, they've got free shipping and returns to the US and Canada. Get $50 towards any mattress purchase by visiting Casper.com slash God awful and using the code God awful terms and conditions the code God Awful, terms and conditions apply. Is this a meatball meaty? Found him. Ha, ha, ha, ha. K, K.

All right, Brett, this is the big scene where you audition for Jesus. So we're gonna need you to really act for this one. Yeah, you'll have to act the heck out of this scene. Yeah. Yeah, I meant have to act the heck out of this scene. Yeah. Yeah, I'm meant to ask you guys about that. It says in the script, act super-actory in brackets here. And I honestly don't know what that means.

Well, dude, I told you, actory wasn't a word. We'll have to explain that. Yeah, no, we get that, I guess. So what I mean by that is just act good or? or also not a word. I think it's still not sure I follow, but I'll give it a shot. All right, great. Here, use these Shakespeare words we found on the internet. Yeah, right. They're good. And action. Oh, that this two, two solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a do or cut cut. I'm sorry, Brett, can you do it?

Can you do it? Act here. Still not a word, but I'm not sure what that means. Better like you're doing now, but better. Yep. Exactly. And action. Oh, that this two two solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a cut.

No, cut, cut. Can you do it better? What does, what does that mean to you? What criterion are you judging me on here? You're actinus. Yeah, right. Like how good you act. Okay, let's try this.

So what does it mean to you to act good? Oh, that is a good question. It's mostly about looking slightly up and stage, right? You know, yeah, holding your arm at an upward angle, palm up, like an actor and, and pausing a lot. Not just pausing it. Yeah, you know, breathy pausing. Exactly.

Breathy pausing and British. pausing, and British. Well, obviously, British. You could be the next Sorbo they send. You don't need to. And action. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna start off with what I thought was Wonder Woman Studios presents,

but was actually the WWE proudly signing their name to this piece of shit movie. Oh, I would have been okay with Gavin getting tied up a little bit with a last of truth. Just saying. And then we open up on what may be the sloppiest possible, not just the sloppiest ever, but the sloppiest possible attempt at exposition. Welcome back to exposition tonight. We're talking all about our protagonist. Yeah. Right.

So things sit field dull as right about Gavin ahead of time. So who is the main character? Yeah. Right. Right. So through this ham fisted bullshit, we learned that our main character is named Gavin Stone and he was a child star. But then his mom died. Probably in Atheist now. Yeah. His mom died so he divorced his dad. We never find out what the connection between those two events is. So I assume, because it's never answered in the movie, that janitor killed Gavin Stones his mom. And that's why they don't get along.

That's my little fan fiction for this is that he watched this movie as janitor murdered the mom and they just don't talk about it. She was just like, man, man, man, scrubbing the big year career and he was good. Yeah. So yeah, apparently dead mom and divorce with dad led to a life of rehab and drugs and that's all you need to know about that. So it's time for the next scene Which starts with the character literally saying who he is to the main character, right? He did the the opening line is Gavin. I'm your manager That's me on the manager Yeah, and I love to okay, so here's how we get into this scene right it says you know

This is like a where is this child actor now sequence that we're watching? And she ends with, so where is he now? And then we cut to the sign for Mason County Sheriff's Office. And that is as close to humor as we will ever get. Mm hmm. That and a few awkward Christians who like Christians seem meta aware that they damage men to the point of unsociability, but no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, But yeah, so so Gavin is in has been picked up by the sheriff's office here in Mason County for some kind of rager he threw where he he trashed a hotel room. And because Christians don't know how drugs and parties work, they had to come up with something to like really say major rager and they came up with a catapult. A catapult for people. I wasn't sure if it was for people or not, but it may be for the drugs. What do you think they were picturing?

Just like, all right, debaucherist party of a child, lots of crack rocks. Yeah, crack boulders and then in units in the writers like catapult Medieval siege weapons that's what they have at parties remember that time with a Tijuana hookers in the trebuchet What the fuck are you talking about? I wanted it to pan over to a very sad and offended night Who's just like you ruined my castle? I Want prison time That is that whole wall was taken down. Norseman could just walk the fucking. We weren't worried when we saw they were birds. We didn't expect them to split into three.

I wanted to cut to this scene actually happening at the hotel and like the manager walks in like, what the fuck is that? Oh, no, I'm next. I'm next. No, we don't see it. All right. So now we should probably talk about this main character. I'm sure Eli's dying to this is Brett Dalton who you'll recognize as the voice of Michael in the video game until Dawn. That is the second thing on his known for IMDB thing before this movie before. He also handsome, handsome and agents of shield. He's also starting several of my sex dreams, which is also listed on his IMDB because I keep submitting and the security isn't strong enough. Yeah, and so what we're learning here, of course, is that his manager just can't help him this

time. He's been in trouble too many times. He has to do community service at a church. That's right. He's been sentenced to Christianity. I mean, how would they feel if like this movie started off with, yeah, you're going to have to work in this mosque. Like, wouldn't don't they get? I don't see how they, yeah, oh, he's also been court order to reconnect with his grumpy, estranged father, I guess, too. I didn't realize that they could do that. Just be like, and the law also says, make up with your dad. In his response to has to work in a church's church like God, and I wrote my notes, no, church like church is chicken. One of the rest of the movie for him to just be like, no, we're not the ones with the biscuits.

Papa. So, okay. So then like we get him, I wrote in my notes driving around a crappy little town, but he's not driving. He's sitting in the back seat while his lawyer drives him around. Andrew never drives us anywhere, right? Oh, I should. I, that will, he will now. I'm so badly to be like, one of what Doc McStuffins. And she's like, lower he, okay, he wants to get a job

on it with the director from the show. He was on when he was a child star wherever he's that. This guy's got a new show coming out. Is he calling this guy over and over again? Or is he practicing his phone call before he makes it? I couldn't tell. He's practicing his voice, smells like me texting Noah and just like, hey, winky face, stupid, stupid. He's not gonna wake that. He's gonna, he's not,

he, if you give him the information quickly, he'll answer. All right. Hey, what time are we recording? I already told you. Okay, I'll say, it's just something fun. Like, oh, that's on me. Bro, I've never called him

pro. What should I? I'm just, I'm gonna fire. He, you should workshop these with me before you send him. Yeah, if you ever answered, it's the same result. The low in my apartment with my dog. It's, how do you think you'll like funny how on the show we pretend I'm an asshole. That's funny The important thing that we learn is the way the same way that we pretend that Heath Surray is funny. That's just funny jokes. Anyway, so the important thing we learn here is that this town is impossibly shitty and no one who has any self worth would want to live there, but several of them would have to because the economy's in, you know, a bit of a slump.

Anyway, yeah. So now we get the scene where he reconnects with dear old dad and all you need to dad's character bio was just the word folksy. Janeter, I am so disappointed. Oh, this is janitor from scrub. I am so disappointed in you. Did the middle really do that badly? What kind of trouble are you in,

janitor? The moment he walks in, he goes, what kind of trouble? And I went, what kind of trouble are you in, janitor, that you're making a Christian movie? Invest the little bit, man. See, now I'd ever watched scrub, so I just had him down as Neil Flynn,

who you'll recognize as Samson from Nigel and Oscar versus the Sasquatch. I was not as familiar with his filmography. I guess super depressing. Now Cliff Clavin, Harry the Hat, now Dr. Jan Eitour. It's fucking very sad. I just, I hope I wanted Gavin to get stabbed with a knife wrench in the movies over, but it doesn't happen.

And then of course, his second question after are you in trouble? Is, are you clean but delivered like a molestie stepdad not. And Kevin's answer is so suspicious. It's like are you clean? Two, three, or yes. And like a bag of coke and a catapult fall out of his pocket. And the bag falls onto the catapult with the shot bounces off and goes up as

no easy but will now not. But before you start opening, that was unlikely. That was unlikely. We need to do a catapult drug party. That's really hard. April 21st. Let's bring in a catapult drug party. That's really nice. April 21st. Let's bring in the catapult. We're bringing the drugs. So I don't think that's what you're legally saying.

Let's make an ad for that in the middle of the show. You can bet drugs for missing reason. No, do we do we want to shoot ourselves at the drugs or the drugs that ourselves are both. I feel like we could do either one. Oh nice. You know, I like the idea that we would just meet in the middle, like a big velcro wall with drugs all over it and fire ourselves at. I don't know.

Oh super fun, right? Yeah. That's the new reason. We're not doing this. This is not this is not doing the dog. This message has not been approved by reason, Conn. So so Gavin needs a place to stay and dad says, yes, but he has to do it all, folks, he because it's dad, you know, dad. So he takes him up to his old room, which apparently dad hasn't changed since he was six. This is the room of a six year old. Yes, it is.

He's very, very strange and they don't acknowledge it either. Like he's like, very well, I said, I was going to build your mom a house and I always, and that's a promise I didn't keep to her, but he didn't go like, and I also promised I would always keep you a child, a tiny tiny child. I also want to point out that there's the most terrible like thing because this movie's pretty well made, but the only badly made thing about this point in the movie is the terrible Photoshop family photo. I don't know what they had left in the budget.

What went terribly awry. They spent $6 in an intern on this. You're just like, so cut, paste, and those are the faces. And they were like, you nailed it. We're going to show it for two seconds. Who will notice? Yeah. And also we learn here that dad, you know,

and dad finds out that he has to do his community service in a church. Dad's like, I know Jesus lover. That's part of my character. Yeah. Well, something that will never resolve. He just, oh, he enjoys the church play, but he never actually becomes religious.

I was very pleased with that. Well, I think the message play, but he never actually becomes religious. I was very pleased with that. Well, I think the message is, you know, like we can't really blame Gavin for being a junkie because his dad's an atheist with no source of absolute morality. Exactly. So now we had to the church. And again, I have to emphasize, this is not small, impoverished church that needs help from the state, as though any of them need help from the state. But no, this is the built more estate of churches.

It's enormous. Giant. It is so upsettingly huge and filled with nice things. There's just constant, there's gold letters on walls. There's just room, there's a cafeteria. We get an incada. Why does a church have a cafeteria? Your church has expanded its overreach if you have a god damn cafeteria.

Oh, there's a school where children's button curiosity can be squelched there and everything. Yeah. Creplo dollar might as well land the death star as they show up. Hey, everybody, I don't pay no taxes. Oh, God. No, it was just disgusting. And again, the movie says, no, yeah, this church requires government subsidized labor. Obviously, they don't have a lot of money. And then they try to drive this home again, right?

Because he wanders along some guy fixing the electricity and he's like, hey, where's the pastor's office? And it turns out that is the pastor, but he has to, you know, do his own electricity because that's what pastors do. What? And if you own a mega church, you are not equipped to fix the goddamn water heater or what the very important thing. And by the way, this actor is not fixing anything. Like he's leaning behind a thing and banging on it, the back of it with a wrench, but he's not fixing anything. But a mega church doesn't

have like one boiler. Right. Right. By the way, that should be a new bingo square. It's just waving tools in the vicinity of the thing you're supposed to be fixing. Yeah. But there's no way this mega church can't afford an electric. These guys have Tony Stark fixing their wives bullshit.

Yes. Exactly. They have a fucking full time guy that's their fucking fixing shit guy at the very least. But now this is where we can try to get some more great humor, right? Because he used to be a star, but he isn't anymore. So at first, when the pastor sees him, he thinks he's just the electrician. He says, Hey, you're Gavin Stone, aren't you?

And he's like, Oh, come on. Let's do it. Selfie. Let's do it quick. He's like, no, I don't recognize you as a celebrity. I'm the pastor. And I saw your loser criminal picture on the thing that the state sent me when they ordered you to be my butler, which included a mug shot apparently. And there's this one moment. He goes, Hey, father. And the guy stops and he's like, call me pastor or Alan.

I just want him to be like, father's my father. Fuck. I couldn't get out of the pastor's fine. I'm not a father no matter what that bitch says. I also love to that he goes, he has this whole bit about him where he goes, well, I bet a pastor for 20 years, Gavin, nothing shocks me. Yeah, you'd be amazed when I get people to believe it. Yeah. I want to say, nothing, Jacks, me, I'm a, we fuck kids. Really? Do you know what I've covered up? Seriously, look at this giant multi million dollar building.

You think there isn't kid fucking go out? No, no, the poor kids who come in for service, Sunday service, don't get sexually abused. Come on. You're from LA. You get it. I love to that. He's like, you know, the pastor's like, now you'll be volunteering here, quote unquote, you know, there's no need to tell the congregation why you're here. I wanted to mad because, you know, sent

him to Christianity. Yeah. Legal is fuck. So between you and me. And then of course, he's like, Oh, well, what do you need me to do? Something really cool and awesome. And then we cut to him, mopping. And as if that's not funny enough, the smash cuts are amazing in this movie. And then we get him doing it mop humor. Yeah. At one point, did he do a Tim Allen noise with the mop like, it's a stick. It's a wooden stick. It's not. I feel like you would know home improvement if you're a child actor in your 30s now.

He is doing the chores the way that I do before my wife stops me and it's just like seriously stop, stop because I'm just like, oh, I'm a character. Look at this. I'm going, going, going, going. Uh-oh, it's a jackhammer. Grrr. You've been in the same corner for 45 minutes. Yeah, but clearly they asked him to improv and someone on set was cracking up because

he was, he was just going for it, but it was painful. And this is, of course, this is the scene where we meet the love interest because he's mopping the ladies room and she comes in and she needs to piss right where he's mopping in so awkward. And it's mopping. It's so awkward. And it's Angela Johnson. Yeah. NFL cheerleader turned super racist hack comedian. Oh, is that? Yeah. Her entire career is Eli doing like Mickey Rune at Annale salon. That's what you're saying. The peak of her career was when people weren't like, hey, Mad TV. What's going on here? And again, not not familiar enough with our filmography.

I had her as you'll recognize her as Julie from Alvin and the chipmunks to the squeak. Well, imagine if we took all the things we edited out of our shows and we made them into sketches in the early 90s with Pat Noswald as a lazy writer. That's mad TV. And she was on it for a while. I remember that it existed. Yeah. Um, and as if there wasn't enough reason to hate this movie, so they have the little meat cute here in the ladies room and she's got a pee, but he just won't leave.

I wanted to just walk in piss in front of his mop. You are, you are mopping anyway, but she doesn't. And just to make me hate the movie a little more, his first instinct here is to offer to take her out for deep dish pizza. Fuck you. God damn it. This keeps happening. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They over and over again. They're like, it's illinois. So we're going to say deep dish pizza again. Meet up later and have some gout cast rolls. Is that a fun to wait for you? What are you doing next year? I'll meet you at peak ones. The waitresses can't hear, but they're strong. We should order now, so it'll be ready.

And of course, we also learn that she's doing the church play. And he's an actor, so he'd like to be in the play because he wants to have sex with her or something. Not really though, not's not sad at all. No, something else. He's after we never find out what anyway. Then so now we cut to later that very same day and he happens upon the auditions for the play and we get the audition montage, wherever he was just so humorously terrible. Oh, fantastic. And it's Sean Michaels.

Sean Michaels WWE WF wrestler. Who's real name, by the way, this is fantastic to me. His real name is Michael Sean Hicken bottom. I just want to throw that up. That's his real name. At some point, someone was like, so Michael, we're going to come up with a wrestler name for you. How about Michael Sean Hicken bottom and they were like, no, you can't keep

the same name. We'll come up with a fake name for you. And he was like, right. How about Michael Sean? They were, hey, how about Sean Michaels? Can you remember that? Got it. Michael Sean.

Yeah. No, it's just things we're doing like a James Bond thing. Yeah. That guy, Bond James, I get it. And by the way, no camera should get within 150 feet of Sean Michaels. No, someone who's rubbed their face across canvas since before everyone knew Coke was bad for you should not get closer. He looks like Carrot Top's dad. Yeah. So, and of course, we get him along with several other humorously awful

actors that would also like to be in the play. Oh, they're so bad. They're acting. It's like an infomercial for some products called miracle actor. And the other ones who can't do it right. They're all. They're dropping harmful. The pans for no reason. Yeah. There's got to be a better way. Exactly. And of course, Gavin's watching over all of this. Then the pastor comes along and Gavin's like, I'd like to be in the place like, but you have to love Jesus most to be in the play. Sorry, Gavin. I'd love to have you because you're an award-winning actor, I guess, according to this. But you got to care about Jesus to be in our school plane, which we will take very seriously throughout the rest of this very seriously.

And he's like, oh, well, okay, I do. I do believe in the past. She's like, oh, yeah, I guess that's that's all you have to do. Shit. I can't. He's so surprised. He's like, oh, really? And I was like, yeah, of course he's a fucking Christian

What is he a Muslim? Really I heard you were behind. Yeah, no, I'm a Christian. I'm this I'm the the casual Religion of everyone in this country except the Jews Well right and but the movie plays and of course is he's lying and pretending he's a Christian. He doesn't actually, he's actually like playing along with the pastor. The pastor's like, well, you know, like this is serious. Like God is our savior. He's like, savior. I was gonna say you're too. God is our savior. I knew that. They have a nice little reenactment of Heath trying to sleep with the girl in

Georgia who worked at the Bible store. Yeah. Jesus is my home boy. Oh, so what time do you leave this state? Yeah, but of course the pastor believes him because they'll just believe any old shits kind of their thing. So and then we of course get this whole scene where he's got a pretend to be Christian because Christians love to pretend that pretending to be Christian is hard to pull off, I guess. They're like, you know, before you do your audition, you have to share your testimony. And he's like, Oh, of course, I'll share my test, test, and then he has to wander off to like Google Christian testimony. And again, because this movie is entirely unself aware, he nails it with all the stupid

Christians in the room because of how easy it is to face being a Christian. He's like the only man who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man. There's no brother. This is about a lack of education. You can't do this wrong. Yeah, you just tell a story about a fun weekend and then pretend you regret it now. Anyway, I have to do a protest of money. Right.

Apologizing to your wife and Christian testimony. Same thing. And once he's got them all convinced by, you know, quoting song titles and stuff, because that's really funny, I guess. It's time for him to act. And this is amazing. This scene is like, imagine if in pitch perfect, they cast a lead actress that couldn't sing and no one ever acknowledged that.

When I'm gone, when I'm gone, you're gonna miss me. Can you take this subway sandwich out of your mouth? Nope. I thought I had a good audition. I'm so happy. And I am. You like making fun. And just to, and just to make sure that you hated everything

about this movie from top to bottom left to right, he's gonna do a hamlet forum. Oh, hamlet, really? Mm-hmm. And it's interesting. They chose really obscure hamlet. They chose O that this tutu solid flesh would melt, which isn't like, like, look, if you're doing hamlet, okay, maybe you do to be or not to be and everyone's like, oh, I get it,

that's acting for dummies. And then if you're like, oh no, word extra special, you do man delights not me. But all this too too solid flesh with milk is like a weird plot exposition monologue. So it's just a very strange choice. It's like him doing the monologue right before Ophelia walks where he's just like,

yes, so the other day, I'm eating this sandwich. And you're literally... Yeah. It's like the rock doing both sides of the dialogue just like, yes. So the other day, I'm eating this sandwich. It's like the rock doing both sides of the dialogue from bring it on. We have to go to nationals. But I mean, but isn't this like, damn, do I wish I was dead? Like that, I feel like maybe the writer was crying out for help here. Isn't that sort of the? Yeah, I think this actor was really taking a look at old cast photos from Agents of

Shield before he did this. Yeah. It's going to be an extra in the Avengers. And it works way too well. He's obviously not a good actor, but this is like the good actor. He's like the guy who used Miracle Actor now. Right. the good actor, he's like the guy who used Miracle Actor now. And then right as well and the monologue with like, said it and forget and I think comes in at the end.

Forget it. They love it. And he's like, whoa, living on a, it's so stupid. Just camera spins around to a studio audience of dangerously fat people. People you're just worried about. And you're like, curious how they got that fat. Oh, well, this is a creepy group of dudes that they couldn't clearly more want Gavin's penis inside of them every single dude in this church. Every person in this movie at all times. Yeah.

And podcasts. So yeah. So he's acting super actively. So they all applaud for him. I honestly expected them to bring in a stunt actor for this guy at this point. You know, it would have been like a like in back to the future when they obviously couldn't get them to saying. So they yeah, that would have been that would have been a pro. This is the first time I've ever seen a movie where that would have been appropriate. And then of course later that very same night love interest who they haven't named yet. she'll be Kelly, but love interest is talking with the pastor about who Gavin really is i.e. a catapult drug you. And the pastor's like, yeah, we should let him in the play because the movie wants us to believe that was good acting. And her response is he's too cocky. We should take

him down a peg by denying him access to our church play. Really? Really? You think that's what's going to really bring him down to earth is like, sorry, Gavin, you're just not good enough. I was on TV. Yeah. Well, maybe in our church play. So maybe we have higher standards. But of course, then black women be like, okay, Angela. So, yeah, by the way, this is where we learn that Angela Johnson is the pastor's daughter, which is genetically impossible. They are unlikely. Just hire a Latino actor to play the dead then.

If you want Angela Johnson, there's no amount of Latina DNA her mom could have to balance out. Why do you want the quiet face? So, challenge accepted. I'm going to need some Latino DNA. One second, I have an address for you. We can just give it to him at reason, Con. Yeah. And what of course the pastor thinks they need him. Otherwise, the church play will never

work. Yeah. And of course he also feels like the church needs, he needs the church as much as the church needs him because you know, eventually they're going to need money from this guy. So then we cut to the next morning where his dad, like catches him doing yoga. Yeah, guys, yoga so stupid. What is that? You stretch your lower back and breathe. No one needs that. Look it up physically fit most Christians. I'll keep everything. Most people to yoga. If we learned anything, that shits bullshit. Yeah. No, but of course, the whole point here is just to have a funny, hilarious moment where

folksy dad comes in and sees him doing his wacky stretch and bull shit calls it Buddhist ballet. Yeah. First draft, by the way, he's definitely like eating a bagel dad comes in. He's like, kike. Second draft, same bagel, faggot. All right, it's hot. Dude, we can't.

No. Sorry, they never let me say this on scrubs. I like it here. Sean Michaels wrote that. Well, he screamed at it a PA and so I just went with it. The artist's world is a canvas. Now we get the first day of rehearsals here. And this is where we meet Stephen. Well, we saw him audition earlier, but he's like apparently supposed to be the

comic relief. This is the guy that has the Gavin Stone t-shirt. Yeah, he shows up and he's like, Hey, man, I'm a big fan. And then he opens his shirt to show that he has a t-shirt with him on it, which would be a comedy moment if this actor didn't have an alarmingly terrifying body. Right. Because you want that character to be a little chubby, but he is rascal fast. So he's just like, and you're like, oh man, and he's like, yeah, I'm on a medication. You're like, you sure are. You sure are.

Yeah, no. And also the T shirt is so clearly like a one off T shirt from a guy at the mall that was guilt tripped into a Christian discount and start thought better of it halfway through really four colors. You need four fucking colors, guys. And I feel like this actor clearly made a bet about how much gainus he could sneak into the Christian movie that hired him. Like there's a bet with a bunch of the cast members. Yeah, no, that would make a lot of sense. Yeah. You want to run lines or Bob? Whatever. Me both. So now we get the rehearsal and this is supposed to be this hilarious moment where he,

because he's not really a Christian, so he doesn't know how all of this works. So, you know, he's supposed to be like on the boat when Jesus calms the waters and he doesn't know that Jesus is supposed to be asleep because he's no real Christian. And here's what this scene shakes out to, right? He's like, oh, can't we make this scene a little more spicing, a little bit more showbiz? And she's like, Jesus didn't want to be the center

of attention. Right in the middle of the speech where Jesus stands on the proud of the folks and screams that everyone around him, I am the Alpha and Omen. Why the king of the world? Seriously, why this scene? Why this scene from the Bible in comparison with that false claim? Like, look, it's a false claim, but maybe when he's washing some feet, you can make that lie, but why right after Jesus has just announced that he is God? Well, and how many scenes is he not an attention seeker and maybe the one with the feet, but

like he walked around doing magic tricks and yelling about the apocalypse in ancient Israel. Well, it's like a middle child high on coke and Thanksgiving. Well, and even with the foot washing thing he ends that with a speech about how awesomely humble he is. Yeah. And I love to so because they have to also portray in this scene that all the other people are terrible at acting, but because everyone in this movie is just actually terrible at

acting, the way they pull that off is just everyone speaking at the same time. Right. That's all they could cut. Yeah, right. It wouldn't be like if the bad news bears just hit themselves in the dick with the bat when they got to the fucking. Yeah. No, they did have to direct Sean Michaels to be a bad actor and then a good actor. So you know, four days into shooting of him just saying lines in exactly the same way. What if you talk over everyone else, Sean, my name's Michael, right? Sorry. Michael, Sean, Michael. I always fucked that up. Yeah.

You hit yourself with a bat and the dick right now. Tonk. So, and then of course, we've got to get this, this stalker moment after the rehearsal where he like follows her out to the, to the parking lot and tries once more to moisten her but fails. He's just to get a filthy sock to a child. Apparently that's right. Yeah. She's like, hey, I got to bring this to my student or he won't sleep. And he's like, well, that's weird. Why do you have it? Like, there's a, I have a variety of questions now about what relationship you have to your students,

why you have their bedtime toy. There's a, why it's your responsibility to bring it. That's fine. She drives away. And the three maguques who are supposed to be the comic relief all go like, eh, don't worry. We weren't able to fuck her either. Yeah. Yeah, they're really creepy about this. And then they invite him to like, eh, don't worry, we weren't able to fuck her either. Yeah. Yeah. They're really creepy

about this. And then they invite him to like, Hey, you want to come to our Angela Johnson Stalker Club? And she's like, pretty much. Huh? You have a, you have a stalker club for her? Yes. Yep. All right. So we all going to circle jerk it to Angela Johnson. Yeah. I said, circle jerk at the end of Johnson. I mean, that's not in the movie. I'm asking you guys. No. No. Yeah. So no, this is me. I'm all dried up from Brent.

So this is where they all head over to, uh, to Doug's place. Yeah. And it's, yeah, it's a really weird invite because you're like, you know, we're going to all go to Doug's because none of us are really getting laid anywhere. So you're expecting there to be some gay sex, but no, or at least not like Maybe it was over by the time they caught here, but what we're really learning is that Doug is a Jesus biker because Sean Michael said, All right, but I got to be cool. All right. I can be Christian in it. I just got to be a cool Christian. All right, Sean. What if you're a biker, you're in a Christian biker gang, is that okay? That's cool. All right, great.

Sean, you're drooling a lot, but a lot. It's all over your shirt. Can we get Sean a new shirt? Yeah, again. Again, again. You don't mean to rip this enough. I can rip this enough. No, thank you, Sean.

Yeah, this is the fourth time. You know, we'll just start recording them. We need shirt number four. And also, yeah, this is where they bring pizza. I mean, no, I'm sorry. Luzonio loaf. Yeah, once again, it's like, it's like they're just trying to fuck with us at this point. They're like, you know, really piss off those guys if we had a meat deep dish a lot. Let's, let's reintroduce the pizza that made Noah sick for seven days and seven nine.

It's terrible. And they used to phrase crush this pizza, which bothered the fuck it was like, I was ready for them to, if they called it, I was going to walk out of theater and $500 Uber home is the worst. Oh, yeah. And of course, the humor in this scene comes from the fact that they want him to say grace, but he doesn't know how to say thanks for food, God. So he accidentally does the Braveheart speech. Yeah.

Like you didn't have any more hamlet memorized for next grace. All right. And so I just want to reiterate how revolting this pizza was. You actually get to see a close up of him biting it at one point. It's fucking, it looks like somebody fucked the pizza on its period. It looks awful. And this is also where they introduced us to the term PK. They said they're talking about how they at all love to fuck Kelly, but they just can't because she's a PK And he's like PK like pastor's kid. Oh fuck you. I'm so angry. It stands for parkour. We all know

Well, I was Because PK in like the sub and dumb community means being into Stabbing people and being stabbed so when someone was like she's began I was like I like where this movie's going. Why does that? Why would they, I feel like they should have a very clear thing for stabbing and getting stabbed. It's how to not to come to that swingers club and try to impress you with your parkour. And I don't want to talk about it on the air. What is PK stand for there? Peanuts knife? What does that mean? It's picolysm. There's like a, there's actually a term for it. It's like pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink So now we got, you know, because of Gavin's on a mission now. So the next thing is like him googling how to fuck a Christian girl. And I love this bullshit notion of Christian girls being so chased and it's like, no, you the writer, you just don't get laid, right?

Like she's pretend she's fucking some other dude. This is the Eli version of How Chased Everyone at NYU Was. Yeah. No, I'm telling you, school with great morals, nobody, nobody would fuck me. Yes. But they were all really, really willing to be my friend and that, that's important.

Probably because I wanted to stab them. The pieces are coming together. So and of course now we get him dressed all churchy and stuff Which is just like like an asshole looks like an asshole like a serial killer. Yeah No, yeah, the real Christian same outfit That's a figure and also like this actor is too attractive to trying like make into comedy so they were just like We come to the side. He's an adonis into comedy so they were just like, we come to the side. He's an adonis. I'm balancing my popcorn bucket on my stomach as I'm watching this movie and you want me to laugh because he's wearing khaki's f**k you movie. And of course he doesn't know how to do going to

church. So he's just walking around blessing everybody and it's like and I'm sure there's someone watching the movie going, that's, that's, do we not do that? I feel like do we not? Is that was that funny? But yeah, do we have a call and response thing that we do about God? Feel like we have a row, row, row your boat with Jesus that we do pretty consistently. Don't know how to laugh here. So he goes, he goes in for the service and he finds all his loser friends that he was hanging out with the night before. And he's whispering at first because he didn't realize church is rock so hard. Oh my God. They have a band of divorce dads to prove it. Yeah,

it's fucking amazing. He's like, where in church? And they go, uh, uh, and they turn to the stage and it's just like the discount version of the news boys being like, Oh, Jesus. I said, we're three. Three doors down. He could have been three doors down. We have no evidence that wasn't three doors down. Right.

And he's supposed to be out of place. So he doesn't know the words. And that's fine, I guess, but that he also doesn't clap along. Like he's clapping off. Yes. You don't need to know the lyrics to clap along and rhythm to something. The fucking, the news boys aren't switching in and out of seven meters. You're going to be fine.

Just clap like normal fucking. Well, also like the words to the songs are printed on a screen, right? Like, is he a literate? This is, you don't have to know the the sort to he's karaokeing along with a crowd. Non-Christian's can't clap or read. Apparently. And also he doesn't know how to communion, right? So funny. Yeah, he takes a handful of wafer switch. By the way, at least realistic thing about this movie is that that doesn't instantly cause him to throw up. Anyone who's had a community wafer would have instantly been like, whoa, instead of just like, oh, I need a little more wine.

All right. Well, I feel like that's how I would have ended up doing it. If nobody explained us to be a f*****. He's pouring the wafer crumbs out of the plate, like the end of a Doritos bag. I would have done that. And of course, he also doesn't know how to leave when other people leave. So funny. Okay. Quick question. By the way, is this a Catholic church? Or a no, I think there's a protestants do the wafer and wine thing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's say

yeah. Some of them sometimes. Okay. Do they take notes at church? My other question. Copious notes of who's ready to fuck. And of course, he also doesn't know how to collection play. And that's really funny too. And again, it's, it's, yeah, it's this desperate attempt to pretend like, hey, what we do is hard, huh, guys? What we do? You could fuck that up, huh? So now we're on to the next rehearsal. This is apparently the second rehearsal which starts with Kelly's, the director, the love interest saying, we're falling a little behind guys. Like how? How?

How are you falling behind? It's a play. You can't fall. Move faster. Go to a scene further along. Do she believe they need to rehearse until it's perfect each scene? It's not knitting. You just do the play over and over again,

and then when the time comes for the play, the play. Yeah. Well, and two, like if they're like, what, maybe they're set decoration or whatever, they're running behind us. It's the second rehearsal. This is completely on you, lady. Fuck off. And then of course, this is where Gavin has to show up dress like Jesus,

because you know, because she wants to fuck Jesus. And now he looks like Jesus, get it? I really wanted it to work. I wanted her to just like scooch and like all the sudden, she's like, oh my God, Gavin, can I speak to you a little later? Bring your crown of thorns and stab me with it. Full circle. It's been setting that one up with links in the show notes and everything.

Yeah. So yeah. And of course, his co-stars are all concerned that they won't be able to keep up with his incredible acting skills. So he takes him aside to teach them all how to act. And clearly the people writing these lines and delivering them don't know enough about how to act to know what one would say or do here. No, he does improv exercise for children. We're using row ro ro your boat together, which is not supposed

to teach you not to speak over each other. It's supposed to teach you to speak more quickly and not pause between your line. Then he says the word, mysner, which is an acting technique, but they never address again. Is that how the Meister technique works? Is that how the Meister technique works? Yeah. Is that how the Meister technique works? Eli? Oh, you won major brownie points with an acting nervous system.

Someone right now is just like, oh, he's so cool. Most of our performance is natural talent and love. No, you can learn how to be a better actor and a painter too. You can learn all those things. You hear about all the people who went to painting school and became great. Absolutely. Marl Street is amazing at Roro Roro. What I heard.

French major. And then Pellie shows up at the end of this scene to be angry and remind everybody that she's the best that's never gonna have sex with him or something, but it gets us out of the goddamn scene. And again, like it, the very least shouldn't her character be likeable. She walks in and she's like, Hey, glad you knuckle fuckers are having fun. Get back to it. So then we cut to later that day or another day or something

whatever. And she's on the phone, bitching about money problems, bingo. And just then her assistant or stage hand runs out to the hallway and says, you know, you got to see the wacky shenanigans that Gavin's up to now. There'll be hilarious in the next scene. And his idea is that when he like dies at the end of the plane, he wants to ascend to heaven on like a body crane. Yeah. Like in Jesus Christ superstar and it was really good. It was really cool when I did that.

Yeah. So he rigged himself up with the pulleys and she's like, no, we're not, can we not seriously? And then they have a little accident. He almost pulls an Owen heart and starts falling down and then what Sean Michaels dives in for the rescue catch. And I just thought there's a weird idea. The WWE owns this. Right. Like probably if you don't remind us about killing that guy with bad police. I don't know. I feel like that was probably really cathartic for Sean Michaels. Like he was like, I call you. You're saying, now you get to die 10 years later

than you would. The heart foundation will continue. So yeah. So, you know, but yeah, Kelly doesn't like this poly idea. So she has to stop him. And she's like, you know, but yeah, Kelly doesn't like this poly idea. So she has to stop him and she's like, you know, look, I know you're talented in charming, but this is still act to it. Just barely that. So there's still be a bitchie to you. Just don't do that. And again, she doubles down on the Jesus wasn't about spectacle.

And I'm like, you ran your fucking book. Is crucifixion crowd was bigger than Obama's inauguration. All about it. Yeah, yeah, very unfair. This was the first day they put out white tops for the crucifixion. And they never put out white tops for crucifixion before. And everyone was really scared because of the bowling green massacre. So nobody wanted to go there. Very unfair. So Gavin heads home so he can bond with his dad over basketball for a little bit. I just want to say dad is terrible at having a sober son, like constantly offering him beers in these scenes. He might as well tease his alcoholic son with just the tip of the beer a little bit. Terrible.

He literally doesn't know what to do. He's like, you want a beer? And he's like, oh, no, I'm sober now. And he's like, oh, do you want a beer? I'm sorry. I, uh, are we doing my snorke? Miss Zach Brad. Do they do that at AA? Do you want a beer?

Do you want a beer? Do you want a beer? No, it would work. Also, at this point, guys, you can help me out. Do they do that at AA? Do you want a beer? Do you want a beer? Do you want a beer? No. It would work. Also, at this point, guys, you can help me out. Who is MJ? Spider-Man's girlfriend is MJ in my world. Who is MJ?

Really? Michael Jordan. Are you really asking that? Michael Jordan from Space Jam. Oh, yes, the God, you're up. So they call him MJ? I'm supposed to know the letters from everyone who's ever played sports names. M.A. Muhammad Ali. It's not, it's not D J did Dation Janket like what?

Just Michael. I know Michael Jordan. I didn't realize he was so aware of Michael Jordan that we could just say the letters M and J and we were instantly he was talking Michael Jackson. As when you're the greatest player in your sport of all time, you get that. It's just it comes along with the. Oh, Michael Jordan space. That's that's where he's from where he's from. He also did that commercial that they based space jam on.

Played baseball for a little while. Yeah, he did. Anyway, so yeah. So meanwhile, while him and his dad are bonding Kelly and her dad, the pastor are still stressing about a dumbass Easter play. Like nobody ever says, you know, honey, you're taking this real serious. You shouldn't. This should just be like fun for everyone.

And her big worry is that she doesn't think he gets the story and I wrote my nose, no, I don't think you get the story. Right. I'm so mad she gets Gavin at the end of this. I'm so mad. Well, I treat you so much better, Bert. And the dad here, he's trying to convince her to like, you know, how to use his talent

a little bit better, but it also seems like he's trying to convince her to, to fuck him. She's like, you know, he's like, you know, you need to make him your partner. Those are his exact words. And she's like, you know, it made a fuck him. And he's like, and take pictures of his dick. Take pictures. Yeah. And send him to me.

I'm a pastor. I'm not surprised by anything. I spend my day on art forward slash space dig. So now we have to, I guess, move the romance along a little bit. So the way we're going to manage that is that he runs into her at the cafeteria and she's with a little deaf girl, but he knows sign language, which means that he's charming now. Windsor over. So stupid. I feel like this was a little deaf girl, but he knows sign language, which means that he's charming now. Yeah, winds are over. So stupid. I feel like this was originally a blind girl, but Gavin just like kept spitting in her face and rubbing sand in her eyes. Like, you're, I get you're doing the method thing. That's not, not good.

But yeah, I want a deaf girl to keep farting and not notice. So what are you like? Okay. Geez. She doesn't know we know. Be cool. Everyone take cool. Right. But Gavin starts signing with the deaf girl and Angela Johnson is splo she's ejaculating just below the frame. She's loving it. It's so over the top obvious. Like, well, she's loving it. And then she basically turns to him and she's like, Gavin, listen, listen.

If you do what I say, I will listen to you. Yeah, compromise. That's right. Well, at first she's like, wow, you know, that was amazing. She doesn't usually open up to people. And he's like, she's, she's deaf. But can't.

You know how deaf works? Because that would be a really dumb fucking thing to say. If you did. Where's that movie about a girl who just thinks deaf people are shy? And just send them, come on, you can do it. No, I can't. And literally cannot expect that.

Deaf jokes are safe in this medium. No, they are. You're good. You're good. So and look, here's the other thing too. Okay. So this is, there will sort of be another conflict in this movie. But the main conflict we're dealing with right now is that the local church play director

doesn't want to take advice from this cocky professional actor. Right? I mean, shouldn't she just be like listening to him about how this is really done? You would think even if, yeah, but if he Jesus as well enough, she'll listen to him apparently, lucky guy. And that was time for another montage. Yep. A montage, a montage set to music note Christian cat power. My music note was having lyrics in this song kind of fucks up the montage, but it's a Christian movie. So. And because they can't show rehearsing, apparently being a child actor also means you know everything about lighting and set design because he's like building the set and fucking show.

And a guy had a set up a grid I wanted to shot a him and Morgan going over the audio cues and And he also goes and speaks to the kindergarten and does the like and then the little children came to him and they all come and Attack on him and how does one arrange for that? Like do you just need a Jesus costume? Is that a savior Christian? I think they're all Sunday schools understand Also in the montage. Yeah, I'm re-in one near me They know me though

No, thank what he's you're saying thing No, keep going go ahead. What were you saying? I love Asian. All right, we'll move on. Help me make a plan. So there was this montage. There's a movie. I'm trying to know I'm trying.

And it happens that's different from all that that you've now forgotten. He falls asleep reading the Bible during the montage, which is another check on your bingo card there. And I just wanted to see like a little universe cross over here, like all of a sudden he's had a coffee shop doing conversion therapy on a gay guy using mine or whatever. Then they paint over a rainbow house and heterocolors. It's a very fast. It would have been fun. then they paint over a rainbow house and heterocolors. The colors really passed.

It would have been fun. Yeah. And, and, and also just to give you a, a further idea how sloppy this was written, this montage ends with Kelly going, and that's a wrap for the montage. I mean, the set building. That's a wrap for the set building. That's a wrap of film term for the set building, something you do not declare out loud. Well, we're done with the paper mache rocks, guys, big celebration. And cut paper mache rocks.

And theater word kind of, and speed. And of course, Gavin is still trying on successfully to fuck her. So he browbeads her into submitting to his is 11th date request. And this annoys the fuck out of me about all movies, not just Christian movies, but the message is certainly sending here is if she turns you down politely 11 times, keep asking. She secretly wants your dick. So he takes you out for deep dish because fuck everyone in this movie.

That's what they deserve. They keep saying deep dish so many. I feel like Tom and Cecil are pranking us. So I'm not like they got it. Oh, that's where all their Patreon money goes. We got a mega movie. At the end, they just walk out gotcha. Oh shit. So yeah, now, so we cut to there like obviously the movie can't make us watch something

as graphic as them actually eating the deep dish pizza. So we get there after the date walk and talk. And this is really weird because it starts off like, you know, in the middle of her conversation where she's talking about a bad date with a Christian, as if to say, you know, don't worry. We agree that some of us are pretty creepy. Yeah. Also, there's this moment where he's like, so I hear you only have room in your life for one man. She's like, no, it's not that. And I wrote in my notes. She's gay. Please be gay. Oh my God, please be gay. But no, she was engaged. He's be gay. Oh my God, please be gay, but no, she was engaged. Yeah. Right. Right. No, she's like, he's like, yes, Steven said that you don't have sex with men. And she's like, yes, Steven's a squishy bitch boy. Any. What does that tell you? Well, I had a boyfriend who lives in Canada. But yeah, and she is, and he gives her like the

why no boyfriend question. And I wanted so bad for her just to go, I'm actually not attractive. And I'm bitchy. So I don't feel like that really needs to be it's not a likeable for fuckable person also I did blackface for years of TV and it's readily available everywhere I like her a lot I like her a lot you guys are being mean. I feel like though, they're on the, she's over 20. She's on this date with him. And I feel like he should have told her about the stalker club, the weekly stalker club with like hair dolls. I don't feel like he's literally telling him about her terrible dates with these exact guys and he doesn't say anything. That would have been nice of him. Yeah. But instead they talk about how she used to be engaged,

but he left her so she went to Nepal like you do. You know, pick up the white man's burden for you. It's a good way to get over a breakup. I just changed the religion of some poor people, you know, like, I'm gonna change the religion of some people don't understand the need food. I'm gonna change. And of course, this is also where we get the painfully stupid tele joke moment. Now I want to point out that this, as ham fisted as this was, it still never pays off, right? Like I expected that we're setting up like at the end of the movie, she'll tell a joke and crack everybody up and we'll learn that she's loosened up enough to tell a joke.

But no, this moment exists for its own sake. Nope. But she utters the famous words of every bitch, male or female in the world. Okay. Fine. I'm intense. You ever meet someone who calls themselves intense? Guess what? That person's a piece of shit. That's what pieces of shit call themselves.

I don't feel like, I don't feel like you're giving enough breath to that term. I think a lot of people are pretty intense. I, they're busy when you message them to your to Facebook. So, and there's, there's, there's a line in here where she's like, oh, but you know, and there's so much pressure on a pastor's daughter. People expect you to conform to Bronze Age gender roles, for example, because if you're

not talking about that, what the fuck pressure could there possibly be on you? Well, you know, your dad is, no, no pressure. Sorry. Yeah. So, and then of course, they have to show that like after the day he drops your back off at her car, and the movie wants to make a very clear, no one fucked anyone. Oh, I thought he dropped her off the church. Like she lived there in like quarters

at that huge mega church. That would have been better than what they're using it for. She keeps it. They keep her in the tower or whatever. Also, one quick fun detail in reality. Angela Johnson is married to a Christian hip-hop artist from group one crew. Oh, well, I would love to hear his music. No, I listened to a little bit because I'm starting a rivalry with a man of a rayist of one. Let's throw a rap battle off with Morgan. Not going to do it this episode because we didn't have enough time.

So we are going to start our rap battle with group one crew. And it is going to turn violent. All right, a couple, a couple fronts now. We're up against Drake on one of the Canada front and the, I feel like we've already got that pretty much covered. Yeah, I feel like we already won against Drake. Yeah. So, so he gets home, Gavin gets home and dad, of course, is up fixed in the house and be in all folks, see or whatever.

And this is where we get the whole like, oh, you before your mom died, I promised I would fix this house up, so I'm still doing it. And I'm like, wow, haven't made any appreciable headway and over a decade there, dad. Ooh, rough. Not buying it.

Yeah. You feel like you should do better. You feel like you did a bad job as a dad and a husband. And an actor, really, because you wound up in this and managing your money after scrub. Yeah. Right. Nine seasons of the most popular show on TV and put something aside. Now you got to be a bit player. WWE movies. That where we are. Yep. That's where we are. Get a fucking CD. So and of course, Gavin is asking Dad for, I guess, Christian pussy advisors, it's,

it's, it's really fucking weird this scene. I don't know what they're trying to set up, you know, because clearly the dad's been fucking power tools for the last decade. So why would he have any, I don't even know what they were going for here, but there's an awkward dad's son moment or something. Yes, it is. And not only is it awkward, but he appears to feel like he can't give Gavin advice because he's old, like not because he doesn't want to give advice, he's just like, Gavin, I don't know what modern vaginas look like. It's like an iPod. Are they touch screen now? How does it work? Do you text the

clear? Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, there is good use for augmented reality on, on, on, on an iPhone. You're texted to the alphabet. And, and now we get my favorite scene in the movie. I, and my, by far favorite actor in the movie, this is by far favorite actor in the movie. This is the scene where Gavin and Kelly are promoting their big Easter play on Christian radio. And I just wrote my notes. If all else fails, we could just spend the whole episode on this man's appearance.

Yes. We could Jesus. This guy is looks the way Tom and Cecil describe themselves. Yeah. No, there is no stereotypically ugly thing that one could say about a human that would not rightfully apply to this particular human. Oh, he's amazing. He looks like Gimli the dwarf ate the gum at Wonka's factory.

I'm not going wrong. The Irish invented Sumo, yeah, and then Paul Walrus is to do it. He looks like the king of the fireballs. The candy. Like you can shoot fireballs out of his hands. The candy. Now definitely if he was a boss villain, that's what he'd be doing. Yeah, he looks like deep dish pizza was a person.

Yeah. Oh, he is. He looks like he survived the bowling orange massacres. Yeah. Peppermint Patty was Kevin Spacey's first victim in seven. Yeah. And also, as if the guy himself wasn't ugly enough, the shirt he's wearing looks like something you'd wear to announce landing a spacecraft on a comet. He's wanted to reopen that wound, you know, we were all really mad about that. So and of course, Gavin.

The rule we were mad about that, guys. Oh, I want to be mad about that again. Simpler time. So yeah, but of course, the key to this scene other than just introducing us to this wonderful, amazing human being that looks like Sean White crashed mouth first into a mountain and swallowed is so that we can learn that Gavin is learning about Jesus and doesn't want to make this play about him, but about the message of Jesus.

Now keep in mind that what we're saying here is Jesus wouldn't want the attention on himself. So make this all about Jesus. Isn't that the argument that we're presenting? That's exactly the argument. And Angela Johnson is squirting once again. She's loving it. She wants his humility right in her butt. Doesn't she?

And now it's time for more rehearsals. We get the cast the first stone scene. And it's the writing in the sand thing, like what was Jesus writing in the sand? So he just like draws a swastika and he's like, get out of here, Jesus. He cannot handle the fact that we don't know what Jesus wrote in the sand. And then, well, and they're trying to make it like, you know, they're trying to give them another understanding Jesus moment. So he's like, I don't get why I would be like trying these, to get these Jews not to murder this lady with rocks. What's his motivation here?

Why would he care? Oh, you want to stop the people from murdering the lady with rocks? That's the whole motivation. I don't. Okay, but what what's in it for me? Are there Jews? Are there Jews? The Jews and Jews?

Do you get it now? Oh, Jews. Why is a Muslim? I knew it. Yeah, it's them dealing with the kind of questions we eat. Atheus have to deal with. It is our burden, the right man's burden there. But just then, as he's trying to figure out why Jesus would care about some poor lady was going to die for fucking a dude, he gets a phone call. Yeah. And first he gets it on his cell phone and then this person calls the

landline. Yeah. And somebody in the casping. He's like, Hey, Gavin, it's for you. Somebody named act three conflict. So he takes it. Well, I also love it. Like she's super upset. I mean, again, this is volunteer community theater rehearsal, kind of thing where people are going to take phone calls where people are going to show up and say, Hey, I got an important call maybe coming through at some point today and I really like, that's okay. You don't get paid for this or anything. You're doing me a favor, but not in this stupid fucking movie. And they're just taking five.

It's not like he's like, Oh, I got to go. He's just like, I'll be right back and she's like, seriously? Every second counts. We are so far behind. We will not finish the plane. Yeah. It's a cumulative effort. So yeah, now this is him getting a call from Jack, his agent or manager or whatever,

to tell him that his old director, Mike Mira, heard about how drunk and awesome he is and therefore cast him for a part in his new TV show. That's going to be the conflict in the movie now. And I've got to say, when I was an actor, I got cast in a lot of roles because I was dangerous in a criminal. So pretty, uh, it helps. It helps. But of course, you know, Jack thinks it's really funny that Gavin's playing Jesus since he's such a wild party animal and then he makes fun of prayer.

He's bastard and we're supposed to not like him. I guess. And since that is literally all this movie is going to offer us in terms of stakes, I guess we can take a break there. But before we do, let me give act three of the hard sell. Will the Easter play go off without a hitch? Is that really all we have to concern ourselves within this movie? Will they finally give Eli a little shirtless Gavin action? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the worded in conclusion of the resurrection of Gavin Stone.

Cut. Okay, Steven. Love your energy, but can you do this one more time and not look like you're biting your time for an opportunity to slip Gavin a Ruffy? I cannot. Hi, I'm Doni D. Of Doni D's School of Christian Movie Script, Dr. and Quot ordered heroin rehabilitation. Does your Christian Movie lack any semblance of an act three conflict. Um, okay, so what if he finds out that she puts the toilet paper the wrong way on the thing like to the inside of the space? Hey, does the budding romance have less passion than Ben Stein reading a land auction listing?

Perhaps we can mutually employ our genitals at some point. Does the very concept of the movie demand you completely rewrite the sources of your religion? Jesus wasn't an attention seeker. Well, you could try fixing all those problems one by one, or you could add a wrestler. My Christian movie was absolute shit, but now it's absolute shit with a wrestler in it. So we made money. No room for a wrestler in a story doesn't matter. You can just shoehorn them in anywhere. Restler couldn't act well enough to pretend he really did like that sweater. Doesn't matter. None of your other

actors are any good either. Can't afford a wrestler. I think you're overestimating the cost of a wrestler. I don't get craft services. He sure though. So come on down to Tony D school, a Christian movie script, Dr. and court ordered heroin rehabilitation today and check out our fine selection or washed up guys who got the world to dance around in their underwear for a living. But don't wait.

This often can't last long because the steroid abuse kills most of these guys in their 50s. I am not a pucker peg. I'm a guy. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he left rehearsal to take a phone call about a potentially career changing job opportunity because he's such an asshole. But now we're going to get him staying late at the church practicing his Jesus lines. Yeah. And this is where Kelly comes in and like catches him practicing. And he tells her about the psychotic advice he got from his manager as a child. Yeah. The Gavin comes first a bit. Yeah, basically.

And like this is supposed to be a, like, look at Hollywood and the way it corrupts children. But this is psychotic. He's like, kid, they're going to come after you. They're going to want things from you, but you just got to remember Gavin comes first. They're all going to laugh at you, Gavin. They're all going to laugh at you. I want them to end it by having telekinetic powers. But we're supposed to just think like the outside world just regularly abuses children as opposed to the church. Yeah, right.

Right. And Kelly's advice to deal with this is, you know, it was a great person to learn from the ex-con wrestler guy whose favorite hobby is stalking me. I think you should hang out with him. Yeah, you should meet him at nine o'clock at the garage. And I love how she introduces this too, because she's all flirty and she's like, I have an idea how you can learn about Jesus. And he's like penetration. She's like, no, it's meeting dog at the garage. Sure.

So maybe. Well, yeah. Yeah, because apparently, Sean Michaels demanded more screen time, but it had to be manly screen time, but it had to be manly screen time. So we get them fixing up cars for the cars for single mom's program that the church runs. Right. And he's like, so if you ever change the oil before and he's like, look at me, of course,

I haven't changed the oil on our car. I'm not available for food stamps. I just go and one of you doesn't. Right. Right. Lower. Lower. Right. Right. So he doesn't know anything about mechanic work, but Sean Michaels has him do a bunch of mechanic work anyway. To fix some lady's car. I wanted her to drive away in the just the wheels. Followed by Paravan at the gypsy place. I thought I was taking these screws off. Oh, no, but it makes sense your way, though.

It makes more sense your way. So yeah, no, it's one of them great things that speed up by having someone around who doesn't know the fuck they're doing. At least nothing can go all that wrong. So yeah, so they fix up this car and then they get the scene where like Kelly shows up to give it to a single mom. And I guess what we're supposed to get from this scene is, you know, they don't get any of the credit.

They leave the credit to Jesus because they stand a little further off. Yeah. Sean Michaels, he's like, yeah, I never walk over there because I'm trying not to take the credit, but we're like 30 feet away at this point in a mechanics garage wearing mechanics overalls, holding tools like. And there's another person taking the credit right over there. Yeah, I'll sit you. The church representative over there already taking the credit and she did less than we did.

Yeah, yeah. And isn't this all supposed to be to give the credit to the guy who didn't want the credit to begin with according to this movie, but not the book. It's based on anyway. Yeah. So, yeah. So Kelly likes him with a greasy look. So do I? So, you know, that's, I'm fine with this. But now this means that his 200 cord hour order to hours of Christianity are up on account of the car fixing, but he doesn't want to take credit for the car fixing because that was for Jesus. So the pastor says, oh, okay, well, then, you know, after you do the rehearse, so I mean, it doesn't really matter. Anyway, it's so convoluted. Why would they, when the timer went up, he was going to disappear

back into his own dimension? Like, obviously, he was going to be in the plane, no matter how many hours it took. So I don't know why he felt the need to be like, oh, those hours don't count because I was thinking about fucking dudes during him. He's like, oh, now we won't cancel the church play. And also can we point out that, okay, so he did like an eight hour day of mopping at the beginning, which means that there is like a hundred and ninety two hours of rehearsal that has now gone into this play. Just has rehearsal. Amazing. Yeah. Okay. That's how it works. Anyway. So, so we get to the last rehearsal. And but before we can start, we have to have the scene where all of the guys get together to

give him this creepy nail cross necklace. The Blair Witch warning. They get together. They give him a Blair Witch warning. The fucking fucking most. Look, I've given some women some terrifying gifts in my day. I have more restraining orders than I have fingers, but I would never make a cross out of nails from a building pounded together and hand it to someone. Yeah. No, I have this down as the creepy thing that your high school girlfriend gives you the day after the breakup. But I guess for Eli, it's the creepy thing you give to your, anyway, yeah, but it's six one half dozen of the love you actually. I give her a mixed tape.

And yeah, he's doing it. She's a child. That's how I feel. And then they rehearsed and they were, her so good that he might just get a dry hump out of it. Oh, she invites him over to her place, but he gets an important phone call before he can, you know, take her up on the dry hump. Apparently the big director, Mike Mira has written him a new part because he's such a

drunken drug abuser. Yeah, dude, you got so drunk, I rewrote an entire character just for you. He doesn't have any lines or show up often because that's what drunk alcohol. Drug addicts do. Oh, I was so hoping it was just going to be like Gavin on celebrity rehab with Gary Busey. I was excited because the rest Busey. It's not. It's not. It's the rest of the movie. It's not. You want to chew your weight at the end of the table? I call it a taste.

Yes. Your move. Conk. You can get a video message for him for. No, no. We'll learn all about that. It's a call forward too. So yeah, yeah, but, but of course, Gavin can't leave because

of the church Easter play. Okay. So this is a character who we've established has been out of work for like 15 years or whatever. Still apparently has money somehow in a manager and an agent and everything in a lawyer, but he's been out of work forever. And he's got a big break here. Like this is a really good thing for his career, but he can't leave because of the church Easter play, right? The director who's supposed to be the bad guy says, are you in? Or are you stupid? That's correct. Yeah.

The conflict of this movie is should he leave the church play to go be a regular on a television show in LA? Yeah. Right. And the decision is not the answer you think it's going to be. Well, exactly, exactly. Like, like, why would he not go? Why would these people want him to not go? Why would they wish against his success? What a bunch of assholes. Are we supposed to be rooting for these assholes? Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable. And of course, as he's on this phone call, making this difficult decision,

lady number two over here's him. Right. And it's a good thing. Gavin's half of the call had all the pertinent information on his back. Because otherwise this eavesdropping plot point would make no sense at all. Yeah. Don't watch this movie twice. And not just because you'll notice the plot holes. So yeah. So he makes the decision. He's going to leave. Um, and he shows up for the dry hump anyway, but he doesn't even make it to the front porch. Apparently Kelly got a call from lady number two and knows all about his plans to fuck them over by having a career. Right. Doesn't he know they sold every seat in the house for this church play? And I want

to be like, I feel like that's just because you have a mega church and they come to your events. I don't really think I don't really think my 15 year dry spell as a child actor has now reinvigorated your community. Well, and even if it has, right? Like they've already sold them out, right? So so so so Gavin has a chance to recandle his career. She might have to waste posters. Yeah. And his excuse is like, Oh, what if God has something bigger for me? I think this might be it. He's like, Oh, that doesn't count for the other that is our word. You don't get

to use that. That's our thing. We do the plan thing. And it's only for bad. Stop it. Cut it out. I'm going to have to reprint some fucking posters, man. And she even says at this point, like, what kind of Christian would be this selfish? And she's so obviously the selfish person in the scene at that time. Cretchlo Dollar lands his death star behind her and sneaks out of the frame. I'm sorry. I just want to try my other death star. You were saying something about selfish Christians. Come on.

And of course, but that is only a set up for him to like do the big reveal where he goes, like, I'm not really a Christian. Okay. I faked it for pussy, which I never got. So it was kind of a waste. And she demands that he calls and doesn't do his job that would get him paid while he's unemployed, but he won't because he's the bad guy. Anyway, so now we cut back to his dad's house where he's packing up and dad is also mad

that he's furthering his career. Yeah. And there's this weird jump, the gun moment where he's like, Oh, it's weird. Why are you leaving? And he's like, don't you do this to me too. And he's like, actually, I was just really wondering, you could have been going to a hotel or found a place to stay. There are more lines in between this reaction and my initial inquiry. Sam Shepard. So. So yes. So he leaves as to stop and look at the church longingly before he goes, you know, but then we have a, like a Gavin in LA montage, because this movie really

needed another montage. Yeah, which accomplishes absolutely nothing. Nothing happens in easy in LA. That's it. Yeah. What is an LA? Why don't you be walking around with like an arm full of shopping bags, all of a You're going up and down escalators. Oh, there was this yeah getting freaked out by remote control cars There was this one moment. Though where like she reaches for the Bible and then doesn't open it and tosses it aside I'm like that is the best Christian movie Bible moment ever. Yeah, no, I know And the director comes in and he's trying to make him all like depressed out and he goes, hey, let's darker the eyes a little bit. Also, I'm loving this depression beard.

And I wrote my notes, is that what this is? Is this a depression beard? If I get happy, will it grow back into my face? I'm curious, because I've had it for years. And I thought it was just so I could say mean things to Anita Sarkeesian. No, it's it's a joke because he's really depressed because he's sad because he can't be in the Jesus play. Yeah. So now it's time for the shoot. And this is how they build the conflict, right? The director's like, all right, man, your characters at rock bottom. So I put drugs in your alcoholic beverage

and you must now consume those in front of me. And he's like, I can't drink it. I promised, I'd never go back to that life and the guy's like, oh, no, this is acting. You don't have to literally drink and do a drink. I just can't. No, we're saying that's fine. You don't have to give you some iced tea or something

at all you will just give me. Whatever you want to. Apple Apple juice. I'm leaving it feels like you're just inventing this con. It's fine because you can still be in the fuck you. I'm out. And he leaves. Yeah. Yeah. That's so stupid. He just can't bring himself to drink the drugs. And then of course Mira makes fun of Jesus. And that's it. He walks off the set like a petulant drunk one. That's why you don't be a drunk, right? Because you would do dumb shit like that to your career. Yeah, so also the director sums it up pretty well He's the hey man if you walk off a live set and you can see like they do a good job of like reproducing a set

There's like 50 people on that set just like don't leave. We all work here too. Yeah, right. Our job stops. If you can have some ice tea or don't drink it, maybe you're just, maybe you just put your head in your hands and cry. I've got notes that won't ruin this day for me. It's like they got through right in this script and they were like, fuck, we need to add stakes in a rewrite. And this is the best they could do in the five minutes they had. It's insane, yeah. So, and that's it, that's it, right? We're done with that now

because the next scene is him showing back up at the church. Right, and begging for his part, like as though, like, because they were like, oh no, no, no, no. But what if, what if she's not sure about taking him back and I'm like, really? Like you see me in it I don't know. Let's see if they'll if the it's pretty intense here

I'm not sure if we're gonna have ready to forgive you For leaving your career to be in this church play which ends tomorrow Right Does not pay Yeah, but he's really sorry and he'll do anything even mop. So like this is literally what's happening in the movie now. The unemployed guy remains unemployed so that he can continue to voluntarily mop at a church. That's the person we're supposed to admire as good Christians. And he's not getting laid again. Like if he was getting laid, I get it. Look, I've attended some Blink 182 concerts

and listen to some people describe their dreams. But if you're not getting laid, this whole plot falls apart. And it's, it's someone just grabs their dreams to you. And you're not fucking them. You should be fucking that person. You've earned the right. So you don't have to hear about anyone's dreams.

You're not fucking wisdom for me. Line. And of course, as in every Christian fucking movie, the atheist character just doesn't know how to handle the lack of blood oaths against them for minor slides like this. Really? You guys forgave me for the nothing. We are like that. So now it's time for the you almost get to pee. No, I'm on touch remember we had to watch this shit in the theater, although I could have peed in that theater. It was just me and Heath. And this is the montage where they're prepping for the play. Wait, where we learn

that even on Christian folksy dad has got a ticket. Yeah. I want to point out at this point. So I was alone in my theater with my wife as well, who immediately took out her phone and played video games at full volume for the entirety of this movie and refused to watch a minute of it. But as they were doing this, she looks up from her phone and turns to me and it full volume goes, what's he going to do for money now? And then goes right back into playing hungry chocolate on a rifle. We only reaction and I had to this movie. So and of course the house is packed and they're all going to pray together

before they, you know, do the play. Oh, and also this is the moment where like he has to compliment or dress and how much ankle it shows. I guess. Yeah. She's breezy breezy. Yeah.

And we get a shot of the extras in the audience by the way, too, here. And they visit all of them. They visibly hate this movie. They're so angry. It's great. They're only about to keep like a half a second and it's still very obvious. And then we get to watch highlights of a bad church play for the rest of the goddamn movie, but they have some nice sets. Now they do they do they spent a fortune

not helping poor people to make this fucking play. Yes. Yes. Now but but suddenly I understand this whole movie and the challenge that the writers face here because they were told at the beginning look guys our grand finale is community theater highlights. We need a script so boring that people will still be impressed by that. So you can't go over that bar at any point. I mean, I'm just saying it worked on me, made me feel bad about Chicago. They're playing at a donkey. I wanted a donkey for Chicago and Noah said no.

I just kept Facebook messaging. So I also love that he's like improvving Jesus lines at a certain point because he gets Jesus so much. Oh, I'm just go, okay, I need a sport, a celebrity and a city in Israel. Robin Williams Boston Marathon. That's not in Israel. Yeah, yeah.

And by the way, I did kind of have some theories as to why that pastor had a donkey so readily available, but I do think a classy church would have hired Campbell. Campbell's looking for work. I wanted to start doing a little more Jesus comedy though, like, you ever noticed how the guy you're crucified next to always wants to chit chat? What's the deal with Barabbas? Oh, it would be fun.

He's fucking a crucifix. That's the rule. Also, the scene with the Jesus drawing pays off because he writes grace in English in the second. That's what Jesus was writing. We get it now. A paid off. And then we get his crucifixion acting and no words that we ever say are going to do justice to his crucifixion acting.

I really wish this was not a theatrical like this is like was a something we found on YouTube movie. So we could clip this out for you. We can't legally, I guess. Oh my fucking god. First, he has to accept Jesus as his lord and savior. They are alive during the play. Has to kind of turn around and say, oh, Jesus, by the way, if I die before this place over, I think we haven't. And then he says father in a way that would embarrass Hayden, Christensen. And so bad.

And then he Jesus dies. Yeah. Is that bad? And also, okay, and just to underscore, just how bad this fucking play is, then the pastor comes out and like, vamps before act three, you know, where he's just going like the next three days, we're pretty rough on Jesus. Well, we change out the set.

So we're going to take a little break while he washes that fake blood off and get back to the play. You don't have to show me that. Yes, they disagree. Wrong disagree. Get to watch them wash. Well, they can show us that, but they don't have to show us the fact that for things I want to watch happen.

Three of them are washing blood off the zector. And the first one is putting the blood there in the first. I got into that with stabbing. He beat me to it. And now I guess, and then you know, he, Jesus walks out of the thing, because the play has to end. Okay, is he supposed to walk, he walks out from behind the like,

lash down stone door that he's supposed to be with his, his, his corpse in there, right? Is he supposed to do that? I thought he's supposed to be, his appearance on which gospel you're reading. It's almost like they're all bullshit. Yeah. No, that's, it's, yeah. No, it's, it's part of the cobbled together where you try to force all the gospels into one actual cohesive gospel. That's, that tends to be the ending they prefer. But yeah, no, everybody's real happy with the play. Also, I love that they shows that like his own father is the last person to get up on the standing ovation.

He's like, fuck, we're standing. Damn it. Yeah. He does the weird orthon wells, classes like the weird like, uh, uh, uh, uh, where you're punching your own hand. It was very, whatever that actor was going for,

I was like Steve Martin at the beginning of the jerk. He's like, I can't really do it right. So yeah, and now I can't be yet because apparently we have to wrap things up with him and Kelly flirting some more. And I just wrote my notes, are they going to fuck then why are we looking at them at this point? Honestly, I say that about a lot of people. Yeah, not just not just Christian movies.

Weddings, sometimes out loud. And his family's mad at me. And now he's going to, he's going to stay Christian now because the play was so good. And they end with a little humor. He's like, maybe we could do a sequel. And his ideas, a few of them were, you know, we got Matthew, Mark, Luke, so like four sequels that are just slightly different versions of the same plot. Yeah. Plays of all of them. Run roll a run kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. I'd watch the Matthew version. Nobody fuck

anybody. I was thinking he could go with like, oh, we could base it in Poem, I ran New York, you know, maybe get Morgan to do some sound effects. Anyway, yeah, this was fucking stupid. My comment to Heath right after we were walking out of the movie is like, I feel like the technology exists to make an online Christian movie script generator that could have done at least as good as this movie. Oh, yeah. Feed this into that Google AI that makes all the pictures that are only fun to look at when

you're high. You definitely get this movie. A mad lib would have done a better job. All right. So according to IMDB, the budget for this piece of shit was about $2 million. Two million dollars were spent bringing this monstrosity into existence. And partially thanks to us, it made that back in its opening week. So I want to sum up

tonight by asking you the dumbest way you could possibly spend $2 million that would still be less dumb than using it to make this movie. Um, I'm going to discovery this week of celeb VM.com Which allows you to buy a Personal message from a variety of actors. So let me break this down for you with two million dollars You can get 50,000 personal video greetings from Kevin Sorbo real thing

40,000 from Dean Kane, or, and this is my favorite, 6,666 personal video greetings from Gary Busey, just saying, my birthday is in September. This is the most depressing website I've ever found. There are snuff sites on the deep web. I stand by my statement. Wait, so Gary Bucy's like eight times more expensive than Gavin sorbale. Yeah, I mean, they got to they got to use a lens that can capture his teeth. Amazing. Oh, I hope we just got them some business. I'm well, that does it for our review of the resurrection of Gavin's stone. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to give you a reason not to lock the nuclear bunker up until next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

The fight with the ins. Sports. A MMA sports thing. We've done some wrestling. We've done some baseball, some basketball. And this is we're covering the full gamut. This is our first MMA UFC fighting fight Christian movie. I'm very excited.

Yeah. What does MMA stand for in weird sex stuff? Um, man, man, Asian. So you get a man, you get a man and you got an Asian of any gender you want. Of any gender you want. The Asian can be any gender or an intersex Asian. They get. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up a 77 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five star review And I do it's by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating atheist and the skeptic rat available on I do a stature and wherever holds podcast live also if you donate to the show you'll find out why the fuck Keith Is laughing so much you'll never know otherwise if you have questions comments show, you'll find out why the fuck Keith is laughing so much. You'll never know otherwise.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. The theme song for this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slott, and the evil drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by Morgan Clark. Both were used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the links on the show, don't let us put this episode.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and right Neelie Bosnick. I'm No Illusions, promising to work hard to earn on the truck next truck next week and till then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Recessive Eugene, the radio host, walked past an open window and died of melanoma. Dad died of renal failure later that fairy saying. Eli stole all the cut footage of them rinsing Gavin off and will be having private viewings in his room at reason come. Bring Luke and an intersex agent. I thought that was Noah's hint that you should move out. He's just like, you know, he's

we're real sick. We're going to get sick again. You know how it is. Kathy Ebola. You know, love that Indian guys. You don't know what I mean. Spinoz Indie constructionist. Why Indian though? All right. Is that the only time it showed up? It was that one time. Spinoz Indie constructionist. Why Indian though? All right, is that the only time it showed up?

It was that one time. I say. All right. Yes, to steal himself for the Tony Diva. Tony D. All right. I. I.

Tony D has been turned into a werewolf. All right. I am not a pug of Pegacorn. I'm a guy. Totally different character. Only so many voices. I got a family. Where am I from? Is this the Bronx? I think you're from the Brooklyn. I was hearing Brooklyn. Yeah, I can't tell. I feel like, you know, racist, like, front of the

pizza shop guy from Brooklyn. Yeah, no, he doesn't wear shirts with sleeves. He does not wear sleeves. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017 all rights reserved. on a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.