God Awful Movies - 80: GAM080 Held for Ransom

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

On this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Held for Ransom, the real life story of the kidnapping of Eunice Kronholm. Listen as we desperately try to find something to say about this boring, uneventful drudgery for 90 minutes. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

Jerry's dad was abusive. He's from the south. He likes long locks on the beach. Went through it. Went youngest of seven children. He used to get shrimp right out of the gull. I was just picturing this guy as a kid eating like a live lobster like an apple apple Huge smile bleeding everywhere. Oh Jerry Jerry go into kidnapping son you got a pot Taste like pennies Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who's got no comment about good actors today? Me. None. God damn it. No shit. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Oh, I got I'm so bored. So bored by this kidnapping. Please torture her. So quick before we get too far ahead, tell us what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched held for ransom. It's the story of how God had a lady kidnapped and held hostage

until she asked him to stop. But did he stop? Thus proving is real? We're not gonna tell you yet. You'll have to wait and find out. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love kidnapping movies, you will hate this movie. You hate this movie. This is the ransom of stock footage. I going to do an episode about this movie.

Yeah, I think my favorite thing about this entire movie is that I have a file in my Google Docs called held for ransom notes now. That's the best thing that happened because this I now have more than one. He's a little parentheses to in front of this one. Okay. A little post. It's everywhere. So we've done 80 movies for this show. Plus a half dozen on skating before we launched this one. How close is this to the most boring shit we've ever sat through? Zero units of closeness. How close are you to yourself? It's like a whole philosophical, constructing. I mean, I've been to Catholic funerals. So like, I

guess the most boring shit we've ever sat through is one thing. But yeah, this is, this may be the slowest, most boring movie. And honestly, I want to challenge our audience to try and make this interesting. Find a vowel that every time it said you stab yourself or someone in the room. Let's make this movie crazy, dangerous and intense. I'm open to ideas. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Now, of course, this movie is based on a true story. And you can tell because if it was fiction, something interesting would have happened at some point. I feel like this is a case where the filmmakers mistook this kidnapping for an interesting

one that they'd read about in the news or something. And by the time they realized their mistake, they just didn't want to be rude to the Cron Homes. And the family was like, this is canon, no switching stuff. O'Cron Homes. The cameras are here. Also, I did a little research on this and I guess what happened is this kidnapping got a tremendous amount of news coverage. So the movie was very much them trying to like capitalize and make balloon boy the movie. But as we're about to explain, it was actually an incredibly uneventful kidnapping and makes

a terrible movie. Holy shit. Yeah, no kidding. Now, I have a feeling this might be a very long list, but is there anything you guys want to nominate this for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to say best worst. I couldn't see the movie. Oh my God.

Maybe 10 out of 90 minutes isn't shot in literal darkness. No, it's exhausting. I mean, this is going to be pretty obvious as we get into it. But can I go with best worst kidnappers? Goofus and Galant would have notes for this motherfucker. It is, you keep thinking it's a farce, but they're just, they do everything wrong. Every joke I wrote in my notes, these characters were then enact in perfect. No, right. I don't know, man, we got to make ransom demands. What's the most identifiable place we could make a phone call? Pinball hall? Yeah, pinball hall. No shit. It's just over and over again,

like that. I was going to go with best, worst divine intervention because this is a Christian movie sort of, it has a glaze of Christian movie over it because Jesus gave this woman the power to be really good at being kidnapped, I guess. Like literally like her superpower in this movie is holding perfectly still. Yeah, and not being bothered by situations, but occasionally being bothered by situations. Yeah. So once in a while completely freaking out, I also want to go with best worst looking people. Look, I got it. It's the 70s. Everybody has shitty looking hair ugly clothes and funny looking couches, but even if you put these people in great looking clothes

and did their hair right, they'd still be ug as fuck. They found this cast in a kitty litter box. Everyone in this movie looks like the ghost of a couch on a curb. But you drive by and you probably go to your friends like nom and bed bugs, that ghost is the cast. Yes. We are taking this, I take some of those those catches on Like us whenever we have a lot of couches the hostage grew on me a lot of bed bugs. Yeah Well, then let me get an itch real quick all right Well, obviously if nothing's gonna happen in this damn movie

We can afford to take a break so we're gonna pause to figure out what the fuck we're gonna talk about for the next hour And when we come back hopefully we'll come up with something to say about all the underlit inaction that is held for ransom Well at 45 minutes 30 30 25 That's locked in that's locked in where we're at. Average out our episodes and we always give you good stuff Hi, welcome to the only nice place to eat in town. How is your 40-minute wait? Long. Yeah long out and why don't you have like a place for people to wait or something?

There were there were just old tree stumps covered in varnish Yeah, well those stumps that us charge an extra $12 per item. So What are you gonna do? Now I've wiped on your table with a wet rag that is definitely not clean. Can I get you guys an incredible amount to drink, which will be the only way I make money? No thanks. Just looking for fresh cooked meal here. Yeah, meal. Yeah, should've gone with blue apron. They deliver free pre-portioned ingredients to your door,

along with easy to follow step-by-step instructions. We made all the food we planned to sell today in bulk at 8 a.m. and heated up slash cook it the rest of the way when you order it. Oh, okay. I feel like you should be friendlier. You'd think that, right? But you're not a guy on a date, and if you don't tip well, you can never come back here, so I'll take my chances. Okay, all of the steak. Mmm, we're out of that. How can you be out of that? This is a steak house.

Steak house, thank you. Good question, thank you. Well, unlike Bluaprin, which works with hundreds of local farms and fisheries, we buy a certain amount of the items we can sell for the highest markup, and then we run out so that people like you have to order something else. This sucks. I know, but he's going to order something else though. I am though.

I haven't ordered it. OK, well, can I have a second to look at your menu? Oh, sure. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueaprin.com slash God Awful Movies. You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cook meals with blue apron.

So don't wait. That's blueaprin.com slash God awful movies. Well, thank you, but I meant the menu here, this menu. Oh, yeah, take all the time you need. It's covered in everything everyone has ever spilled on a table, and we literally never wash them. Blue apron. A better way to cook.

Ever. No, I get it. I get it. Ever. Mrs. Cronholm, I'm so happy you agreed to meet with me today. Oh, my place, your young man. So, as you know, the country was really wrapped up in you, the story of your abduction, and our studio is really excited to bring the story to the big screen. You know, we really think that your story can, you know, glorify Jesus. Make money.

I mean, yeah, glorify Jesus. So what I'm hoping to do today is get the story in your word so we can start hashing out the basics of the script. Surprise, Jesus. Yeah, that. So I want to make it clear that if any of this is painful to relive or make sure uncomfortable Obviously, that's the good shit, so I need all of that okay, hello

Okay, so so first things first can you give me a brief outline of the events of that fateful weekend? well I was leaving for work at 7.45 on Friday morning when these two men in ski masks threw me in my car at gunpoint and then they drove me to a house. And later, they took me on to a hotel. Okay, go on. And then they let me go. Okay, right, right, did anything else happen? No. Okay, what did

you guys do while you were at the house? We listened to the radio. Did they abuse you at all? Well, the turn away from my Christian station to listen to the news once. Yeah, not really the kind of thing I'm looking for. Um, uh, were you physically hurt at any point? Well, now the tales at that hotel are mighty scratchy. My scratch. Yeah, that doesn't count. It's like dry enough with a brailleau pan. Okay.

We both there. Were you ever fearful that they would hurt you? Not really. No Did anything remotely interesting happen while you were kidnapped? Oh heavens no Yeah, I feel like this is gonna be a problem Well, I just I don't gonna be a problem. How so?

Well, I just, I don't think there are many people who'd wanna pay to sit in an audience watching nothing happen for two hours while a boring person moralizes at them. Have you ever been to church? Pregnance. Praise Jesus. Hi there, folks.

Just cutting in for a quick reminder that if you enjoy this show and you'd like to help us keep making it, you can support the show by making a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And when you do, you'll get access to an exclusive RSS feed that allows you to get ad free editions of every episode early plus monthly bonus episodes where we break down the very worst films in secular cinema as well. This month we explored the inauspicious birth of the video game genre with a review of the 1993 cinematic debacle Super Mario Brothers and if you're not a Patreon supporter, here's a taste of

what you missed. Well, if you love Mario Brothers, but you've never seen it and you don't care to, you will love this movie. I don't think you will. If John Lake was on my own as brother, off you were riding their broken van, you should say no. You don't take that ride. You should say no. Different, different conclusions. Not the same question.

Different conclusions. Bob Hoskins just gonna talk him through the entire day because he's like, so, how about what you wanna go to dinner? Do you wanna go to dinner with me? And me and he go to a time and go, you want to get some Italian food? And then, ask her if she likes what you're doing.

You like then? And call her a bad girl. You'll be a girl. It was just fucking nuts. It's fucking nuts. I should have started speeding up the music if the scene's taken too long or the whole movie is like the whole rest of the season.

She's gonna like rest of the music. What's the opposite of alchidoterism? Mario Brothers, the movie. Why? Absolutely not. This is so awkward. It's bullet builds are there separate entities. They're very large.

They fire across. They're not. This would be like if the first movie that was based on a book, the entire world was made out of paper. And like there were walking, talking giant words. I'm picturing the person who was in charge of like continuity, just with a clipboard covered in squiggles. And then eventually she just comes in with her face all covered in poop. And she's like, I feel better today.

I figured it out. I see it all the robots were inside my penis, but I peed him out. So now, it's quickly moving on. What the fuck, movie? Get it together. So remember, if you'd like to get your monthly bonus episodes, plus a few other goodies, head over to patreon.com slash god awful to make a per episode donation today. For as little as a dollar an episode, you'll get access to the 10 bonus episodes we've already done plus a

new one to look forward to every month and now back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown and this movie is going to start us off with a logo that just makes you sit back and think to yourself at some point someone watched that finished product and said to themselves, I'm done now. It felt like like Amish kids were drawing it in real time. It was a computer graphic, but it felt like Amish kids were like running around sketch notes. It feels like someone lost several games of pong in a road and arcade and you were like,

you know what, I'm going to make my fucking logo the noise and shapes of when you win that fucking thing that I'll see it every time I watch my movie. So we get seven and a half minutes of this logo and then the movie's ready to start. And it starts in Minneapolis, the perfect city for nothing to happen. At 7.45 a.m. for those from my generation, 7.45 a.m. is a time about five hours before wake up time. That's all people used to have to wake up during to farm and mills and marry each other because they died so much sooner than us. Yeah. People are the worst.

Why didn't you vote? So yeah, so we have a lady getting ready for work. And meanwhile, there are two men in her suburban neighborhood standing outside wearing ski masks, trying not to look suspicious. In bright fucking daylight with guns in their hands. I wanted so badly for the mailman to show up and just be like, morning gentleman, what are you up to? Skate, eventually.

Yeah. 1970s. We're going to do some by Athalon. Good thing we don't have helicopter parents. America is great right now. And we learned right away that before this movie has even started, they fucked up the kidnapping because apparently they wanted to kidnap the husband and the wife, but the husband had already left for work. Now this will never make say it would like, it would make so much less sense if they also kidnap the husband.

Okay. Now I get it because you explained it, but I had no idea what was going on. Yeah. Because a third of the way through this movie, they're going to be like, wait, don't you work at the bank? It's just going to be like, do you think people work at whatever company their husband or wife? I don't know, man.

We know very little surprisingly little. It's amazing how many safe houses we managed to secure. But that pretty much seems weird. We spend our entire budget on finding safe houses. So she comes out of their house and these two guys run and grab her and throw in her car and she screams and yells and it's a kidnapping. And then they get the car and immediately take off their ski maps. What idiot? I don't think they know what kidnapping means. First of all, I mean, like one of them is mentally disabled, right? Oh, yes. I think I would the glasses are mentally

disabled. We're quite sure about that. He talks like the beef apologizing to mom and dad or something. He doesn't understand that guy's supposed to have a disability? I think the actor may have a, I don't know. But it was not spelled out to me clearly that that actor wasn't just bad at kidnapping. I can't believe it. It could have been that too, yeah. Very possible, because yeah, they immediately take the mask off.

Like, all right, now you wear the mask hostage like they have no idea what's happening. Luckily for them, however, they have a very polite kidnapping victim who for the next four days will very happily be blind. Yeah. She takes ping-a-pong promises to you. So they like show up in a farm to like switch cars out or whatever. And the only reason I

bring that up is because of the music at this moment. My note is, uh, shafts going to fuck that white girl. Oh, my music note here was Luke Cage is mad now. But it was James Bond took the brown acid because that's what's going to happen in the credits. Yeah, right. Well, exactly, exactly. So they switch her out for a different car and then drive off with her. And then we get the poor man's bond credits. They are amazing. Oh, I guess you could call them junk bond credits.

Oh, nice. Nailed it. Oh, half, I wrote that these credits are half bond movie and half board game that comes with a VHS. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha out that many did the murder, fuck, Uncle Larry, you're supposed to rewind it. Now we know that many did the murder. You suck. So they show up at this, so the credits end and the kidnappers show up at this safe house.

It's like a house for sale where they're going to hold or whatever. And we have to establish that the guy in the glasses is the sympathetic guy and the other guy is the mean kidnapper. Really quick. Can we talk about what these guys approximately look like? Oh, please. The guy with the glasses to me, he looked like Woody Allen in claymation, like a clay version of young Woody Allen. See, I figured like piggy from Lord of the Flies lost a lot of weight and his older age. I did a lot of that. Absolutely.

I was going more with like kid from a Christmas story like grows up and things go terribly wrong or well, they go the way you think he goes through that movie goes. And based on the way this guy held a gun in the last scene, he is going to shoot his eye out. Oh, yeah. He is not good at things. And the other guy first, first I thought he kind of looked like, like evil Dustin Hoffman. Okay.

But really kind of like everyone in taxi melted together. All the main characters in taxi melted together. Like they all crowded into Jeff Goldblum's fly machine at once. And yeah, no, I get it. That's actually pretty solid. I have him as Ted dances with wool. I like it. And okay. So now they're talking to the kidnapping victim. They throw her down on the floor or whatever. And there's this really weird moment where they're like, yeah, you know, the other kidnappers are going to be negotiating with your husband about the, about the ransom demands. And, and Piggy looks at the other

guy and he's like, what do you mean to other guy? And he's like, it's going to help us for her to think there are other guys for some reason that will never be explained. So, you know, the stupid, but, and Piggy guy's like, but, but there ain't no other guys. And he's like, no, there ain't. Wow, wink. And picky's like, yeah, right. Wow. I don't understand what either. With those other guys will, will do slash serve for this purpose. No, never, no, I can't. No, there's, there will never be a reason for that. Yeah. Also, at this point, I wrote, like, did they realize that Minnesotans have different accents

than Southerners? They do. Eventually, they explain why all these people in Minnesota have Southern accents, sort of, but. Do they tie that together? Not really, but they, they at least mention it. Oh, kind of, but yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The one character announces that he's from the South at one right. Yeah, that's it. Tie it together. Exactly. That's as close as this movie goes. Is damn right fucking scripted as the tightest end in this movie. Absolutely. You didn't see her getting in the trunk. Oh, good point.

She's going on you too. Thank you. Oh, yeah, she's like a hot home. Right. Yeah. She's like a home actor. Yeah, I don't know. A little bit of Marsha Clark. Yep. So yeah. So now we have we have been in this movie for three minutes. And

we've already established that the guy in glasses is a fucking idiot. They can't be trusted with his own toilet paper. But for some reason, the other kidnappers says, okay, now you go out and call the husband and negotiate the ransom. He's like, okay, okay, I guess I'll be the one. Why would you trust me with something important? And she literally goes like, oh, guys, my husband is super busy. Can Tuesday, can you call it? I just know he has meetings all and they're like, okay, this is a great moment where he goes, we got your name out of a directory. And he's like, show no, now she'll know we own a directory.

Yeah. What? There's several more of these to make no sense. Oh, God. This, yeah, right. At any time there's something happening in this movie, it makes no sense. But luckily, there's very rarely something happening in this movie. So most of it makes sense. And the instructions that he gives piggy to carry out are go tell her husband to drop the money amount undetermined at a phone booth on 66 west of Lindhurst like west of Lindhurst.

60% of the country is west of Lindhurst. Dep depends, depends. There could be a Lindhurst like right at the corner of New York and we'd be fucked. And by the way, the instructions here tell the husband to get as much money as he can. Yeah, what? They're working on need based ransom here. How much can you afford? Um, well, just like whatever you can manage. Just raise, or just like whatever you can manage. Choose a restaurant to bring what you can manage. Communist kidnappers. I love it. We get you a campus job.

What? So then we cut over to the husband and oh my god, like this, this actor could only be a bad guy in today's Hollywood. He's pretty amazing. He looks like every school principal in every movie that will be made 20 years after. Yeah, right. Exactly.

And kind of like Colonel Sanders selling used cars. A little bit like that too. A little bit. A good amount of Rooney, like you said. Yeah. So we see him for a second, but then we got to cut back to Piggy. The character's name will eventually be Jerry. So I'll just go ahead and call him that now.

But Jerry is trying to call about the ransom. And he's undoing a combination lock to get the phone open. I didn't know. So what's happening? He's doing a weird thing with his finger on the phone. Yeah. Did you used to have to unlock the phone? Is that how you just asked for?

There's to be how the phone numbers worked. Yeah, exactly. There was a little rotary dial. I was looking to that and you're no, it's going like, no, he wasn't. What the fuck are you talking about? You just smash up in the booth with an axe and then you call, right? I'm making fun of the fact. Yeah, those are first invented. You somehow need to be in a circle. No, I would never explain to me why that was necessary. I get that now. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, so yeah, so he calls him up,

he's standing in this phone booth, smoking a cigarette, so that's got to smell great. But he calls the bank and the husband is not in. They have no contingency plan for that at all. So he just runs off muttering to feet. Like fuck, man, I didn't think about it. He's not in right now. He's very confused.

Like wait, fuck, he's not here. Okay, if you were, just hypothetically, if you were a kidnapper, who would you ask for? Right now, what would you say to you? How much do you think you can afford? Like, what's his average expendable, hello? Hello. So we head back to the kidnapping house.

And this is the part, and again, this makes no sense. This says there's no reason for this to be in the movie, but that's true, I guess, of every scene since nothing ever happens. But the other bad guy who whose name will eventually be Bill, Bill is trying to figure out from Eunice like how they fucked up their intel so much. This is where he's going like,

why didn't you and your husband go to work together today? She's like, because we work at separate buildings. He's like, really? I didn't know that you could, there's lady jobs that aren't just following your husband. I don't get it. Do you sell vaginas? That's what you do there? Yeah. And then he also offers her this really weird threat where he's going like, yeah, those other guys that we've got, uh, they're very mean and rapy. I'm pretty mean too. Actually, what he says is I can be very ugly. I'm like, we know. I mean, she's blindfolded so she might not know, but we know. And does he think she's holding back information from him? I know. Like, oh, like, she's going to be like, fine, fine. I do work in the bank. I am my husband pulls off a rubber mask.

We go another blind fold under it. It's me, Mr. Connolf. How much do you want me to take out of the bank? See, I told you that other guy, torture thing would come in handy. The only way it would now. Yeah. And then we go back to the bank and I guess the husband's back now and he's trying to get a hold of Eunice because normally he calls her at work at 9 a.m. or something.

I don't know. So he's talking to his secretary and this, okay, I don't know how many mushrooms you guys have eaten, how many different varieties of mushrooms you know about. But like if this woman, if you took, if you brought a Liberty Cat mushroom to life, it would look exactly like this woman. Yeah. She's a much better version of Toad than they do in super. You're right. Okay. You remember the guy in fat Albert with the eyes, holes cut in his hat? That's her

hair. Dumb Donald. Yes. Dumb Donald, exactly. I wrote, ah, the 1960s when nobody needed a bicycle helmet because of their hair. It was the 1970s, but yeah, this, this movie is actually made in 76 or released in 76 anyway. So, and we go back to the kidnappers. This is where she names starts naming the kidnappers because she needs something to talk to call them. So she names the mean kidnapper Bill.

Right. I was, I was really hoping that she guessed his real name. And I wanted to be like, no, anything but Bill is fine. Or Bill, whatever name doesn't matter, not Bill. And this is the first of many times in the movie where the kidnapper, one of the kidnappers will turn to her and say, I don't understand how you can be so calm and she'll say, Jesus, Mace Jesus. Because I love Jesus so much. And I want to point out, this is going to come up so many times. understand how you can be so calm and she'll say Jesus Mace Jesus Because I love Jesus so much and I want to point out this is gonna come up so many times that it's not like she's calling up to

Riggle out of her ropes and fucking climb backwards up a well and get out of the situation She's just like not constantly screaming. Yeah, that is the power Christ gives her the ability not to shit her pants constantly I'm just saying like if I ever get kidnapped the fact that I eventually stop screaming. I'm attributing it to Sam Harris I read into faith and that really just Means that I eventually am no longer scared So Meanwhile Piggy is a Jerry rather is still trying to call Mr. Cron homie. Finally, gets a hold of the bank.

Well, he's there. So Betty, the secretary has to go get him from a meeting. Oh, and him asking this guy for somebody who's fed tasks. He's like, I'd like, I'd like some ransom, please. I'd like some ransom. He's like, Hey, relax. You're doing great. I'm a transome.

Well, whatever you think is fair, hey, hey, relax. You're doing great. I'm a trance. Whatever you think is fair, just bring what you can. It's my first kidnapping. So I appreciate the feedback. If you have any notes, like, I know people don't like notes on stage, but I'm really I'm open to any feedback you've got. It's like a 10 year old boy asking a girl to dance for the first time. It's amazing.

So, yeah, so he gives this like any accidentally like he hangs he's like bring the money to little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little

little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little the board meeting, the husband does. And he's like, gentlemen, my wife has been kidnapped. And the murmurs from the peanut gallery here are the most amazing. They might as well be going like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

kidnapped, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's so good. I wanted him to just be like, all right. Well, anyways, back to new business. I was saying, you think the quarter is going to be lower. And I'm not going to lie to you, Frank, that's the most upsetting thing I've heard today. I'm pretty sure a retarded person kidnapped my wife, but this is terrible for business. But instead the husband orders somebody else to go, he delegates the responsibility of calling the FBI so that he can bitch to God about it.

We will and he says down to pray. We're going to watch this man pray over and over again in this movie. And every time it seems like he's got some really bizarre ulterior motive because the character, the actor seems so evil. So at this point, I'm like, he's about to swear a vengeance against, he's about to go like God. I have a very particular set of skills. But no, he's no. Instead, he gives the weirdest prayer ever. First of all, he's done everything for God. He even wore his sponge painted suit and everything. And he says, we've tried to serve you in all the areas we've been given abilities in. That sounds like someone mincing words before a supervillain drops them into lava.

But my lord, he served you in all the areas I was given abilities in. Yeah, God is a lot like a super villain about to drop someone in lava. I agree. And by the way, he gets himself the time to do this little prayer thing by calling some other dude in there. He's like, I don't have time for this wife. Can I get Bob Anderson in here? They have a dedicated like deal with the kidnapping

guy. As I was saying, Bob's been sitting there going like, oh, finally, guys, I've been here for like five years with nothing to do. So now Jerry makes it back to the kidnapping house where he has to admit that he kind of hung up on the guy to Bill. Yeah. Bill bills mad at him. He's like, all right. So what did he say? Tell me? And he goes, I don't know. I hung up. I got scared. And he turns into like Ralph Kramden. Bill's like, you idiot. Why? I, I, I like, but, not you, makes us some coffee. Well, yeah. And I'm thinking of myself, Bill, I've been watching this movie for two minutes. I know this guy can't be trusted with this fucking phone call. This is, this is your fault.

If I asked Eli to babysit my niece, that's on me. I can't mention him later. I know. Anyway, and no one wrote that note on his own. That has nothing to do with the coming losses. Like we're not taking one position or another as a company. We're just saying. But it's just absolutely fantastic how bad these guys are at kidnapping. I can think of nothing, but Bob Odin Kirk is the inept kidnapper now. Oh, Jesus. If you, by the way, if you've

never seen that skit, you got to Google that fucking skit. It's amazing or watch this movie. Yeah, it's a much longer commitment. Yeah, so so Bill's all pissed off. He's like, oh, fuck, man, can you go make some coffee without hanging up on it? You idiot. He goes to make coffee. I'm thinking like 50 50. This guy cuts off his own toe while he's making coffee. Do I boil me? I can't get to the filter. Yeah. And then of course Eunice needs to pee. We're going to spend a minute on that because there is nothing else going on in this movie. This entire movie is the minutiae you never wondered about kidnapping. Like how do they

go poopsers with the blindfold on? This movie really digs in there. Yeah. It brings her to the bathroom. And he's like, okay, but keep your blindfold on and turn your phone on airplane mode. You don't have to do that anymore. That's not, that's not the law anymore. He's like, well, just turn it. We say it. I don't know why we said it in the first place, but don't, just do it. Don't take phone airplane advice from a podcast. Okay. So now we cut over to the family telling Nazi granny that Eunice has been kidnapped. Why would they tell this old lady like what she gonna fucking do? I wanted her so badly to lock and load like grandma. I swore to give up that life, but they came after my family. Burn her now. Burn her now. Burn her now.

There it is. Here we go, motherfuckers. Don't touch the butt cakes. Don't. I'm serious. I'll come back and I'll shoot you right in the fucking face. Where's that moving? Right.

See? Get on Patreon. Yeah, we need crazy billionaire money, guys. And I guess that's all of that scene we needed So now we're back to the kidnapping house. Yep. This is where Eunice names Piggy too. She named some Jerry I was expecting it would be like just not Jerry Smith Let me Jerry smile Perfect Yeah, and okay, so another one of those, what the fuck is going on

in why moments Bill comes up to her and says, Hey, Eunice, one of the other guys shot a cop. There's all over the news. This did not happen. There are no other guys. There is never a reason why he would have told her that. No, I don't get that. Anyway, I wanted him to just escalate this story, like sort of like a who's afraid of Virginia Woolf's, ask thing throughout the movie comes back. Oh, that cop's not doing well, but his wife, his wife, she thinks she's going to leave him for his friend Ralph. And Ralph, he don't know what to do because his daughter has cancer, cancer, I'm sorry, how's the kidnapping here?

Do we have an update on that? Oh, you don't even know what's going on with that kids high school, but sure, yeah, money is buried under some leaves. It all went pretty smoothly. Brian Williams got shot at too while we went out. And then he offers you in a severe. That was nice of him. Yeah. But we're going to have to wait and see if you and this would like a beer because now we need to cut back to her family who are having a dinner party. A kidnapping wake. I don't get well. And the only reason and there's a long pan shot of this. But the only reason we're here is so that we can watch the husband pray again. And he has this oddly specific prayer. You know, it's so good. God, please

don't let those men torture her or saw for pinky with a pumpkin carber or rip off her clothes and ravager with every phallic object in the produce department. I'm sorry. What was I saying? God, were you paying attention? Oh, God. I know, I know how you'll want to torture her. Trust me. I've been there. I've been there. She's just like, Oh, what's on TV? And it's like, you could fucking see on what's on TV. But no, I get it. Lord, I need you to hold back for just one more day.

To Christmas. Also part of the prayer was, may the demands be such that we can meet them. And they already, the demand was for however much you can find that's what he said Yeah, you'll probably find that much Can imagine you won't find exactly that much. I was really hoping that they'd be like all right So getting one of those prom money cage boxes thing With arms full of money you hear me full of money come out there with arms full of money. You hear me? Full of money.

So we go back to get having Jerry has brought her coffee because he's the good guy, kidnapper. And we have to talk about that a little. It's instant coffee though. And I wanted him so badly to be like, what if we told you that instead of being kidnapped, we replaced your coffee with instant coffee. How do you even know about those ads? There was an SNL. I feel even older, I should not ask. Yeah, and of course, now this is where Jerry has to

ask why she's not more nervous so she can say that, you know, it's because she's a Christian. And she literally says it, it know, it's because she's a Christian. And she literally says it, it isn't myself. I'd be very upset if I weren't a Christian. Yeah. Yeah. You ever kidnap a Jew? Cannot handle it. Am I right? Am I right? Just pan over to the next room. Is a Jewish guy screaming tearing us out? I'm going to get the hell out of the way. Yeah. Yeah. And then she goes on this long, like coming to Jesus moment, speech or whatever.

And I'm thinking to myself, just fucking shooter, no amount of ransom is worth listening to this Jesus shit. And this is why her husband had to pray that they didn't torture her. Yeah, right. Because I was thinking, man, torturing her sounds pretty awesome right now. And then in her head, like she gives a little Jerry, this is how I found Jesus' talk. And then in her head, she's like, dear God, please let this kidnapping be your way of changing Jerry's religion, I think.

And also come up with new plans for how to change Jerry's religion for the future. It just seems like there was an easier way, you know, maybe a little tiny miracle of some, yeah. think. And also come up with new plans for how to change Jerry's religion for the future. It just seems like there was an easier way, you know, maybe a little tiny miracle of some. Yeah. So then Bill comes back in the room. He's still all pissed off because Jerry fucked up the, the ransom demands. So now they have to have a slumber party together and a blanket fight. I mean, literally have a blanket. He's like, you think you can manage that without messing up and he's like, I wanted it to turn like with those kids sleepovers where you accidentally start fighting your friend

because you hit him too hard with a pillow on his phone. She probably just go home. No, don't go home. Don't go home. It's cool. What did build a wake up with like shaving cream all of his face, Jerry and Eunice just pointing and laughing at us. Yeah. You're being yourself too.

We told him it was shaving cream too. So I need to go to a doctor. It's not carcinogenic. Despite what you may have heard. The Obama's got kidnapped you. So now we cut to the next day and the feds are having a press conference. And my first note here is I bet they mentioned the size of their electoral college when you guys suck at press conferencing.

And the guy says, we assume this is a kidnapping. And I'm like, really? Why? Cause it's a fucking kid. Knappers called you and told you they got a ransom call. Well, sort of. Well, he might just be a mentally disabled person who took her by accident. And he doesn't realize that there's any other steps to this. They're writing a carousel right now that he won't let her off. We're not ruling anything else.

But also in this scene, and I just have to mention this because this is so wonderful. There's this FBI agent in the trench coat that just looks like he's got a sign hanging over and says not a secret agent or whatever. Amazing fucking costuming right there. And then of course, Mr. Cornhole has to send a message to the kidnappers and his messages. Please don't kill my wife. Don't torture her. Can't be clear enough. Not hook her nipples up to a car battery.

You not do that. Don't not even a body blow to keep her quiet. You hear me? Also you hung up before we talked about how to pay you. So you need to, you need to call me, we're not done with you. So please call me back. You're need to take PayPal. So we head back over to the kidnapping house where now it's, you know, it's the next morning, they're waking up, Eunice. And you know, he gives her a minute to go into the

bathroom to get cleaned up, but asks that she not look around. The bathroom. What? What's going to happen there? Everyone knows a bathroom is essentially a fingerprint. Yes. Yeah. She walks back out.

So we've got the dick fungus. Come on. We said don't look around. Don't be a bitch. Bungus. It's different people's safe house. Yes. We shouldn't have gotten wallpaper with the address of the building.

Oh, what the fuck? The thought would be nice and homie, but now obviously in our 85th safehouse, that's a bad idea. Also, this is her like, because they say, oh, well, you know, go ahead and get yourself cleaned up or whatever, her getting cleaned up is to splash nine drops of water on her face. And then she's done. That's it. So she comes back out of the bathroom. Now they've got her new blindfold for her, which is literally a towel duct taped over her face. Yeah. That's what they go with. This movie is 30 minutes in and so far it is entirely cutscenes from other kids. So all right. So now we go back to the house where the husband is and the FBI agent is instructing him on on how to handle the ransom call while dressed like a color-blind

game show host. Yeah. No, a question. When did they start making suits out of cloth? Just view an Andrew blending into furniture storage. So like 1992. 82, but you're close. Yeah. So yeah. So also by the way, this is the first time I realized that the husband's name is Gunner. These characters are Gunner and Eunice.

Anyway, just there's not much humor in this movie. I'm gonna throw it out there where it comes. So and the FBI wants to use a body double. They're like, oh, you know, we've got an agent that looks kind of like you about your height or so. He can do all the dangerous stuff. He's like, I wanted you to do the dangerous stuff. Fine, fine.

Fine, use an FBI agent. Give a fuck. So, now we head back to the kid in Aparin where she's making small talk with Jerry. Jerry's dad was abusive. He's from the south. He likes law locks on the beach went through it. When the youngest of seven children used to get shrimp right out of the golf.

I was I was just picturing this guy as a kid eating like a live lobster like an apple. Huge smile bleeding everywhere. Oh, Jerry. Jerry, go into kidnapping, son. You got it, Pa. Tastes like panties. And then Bill comes in because it's time to move her to another safe house for no fucking reason. They will change locations 875 times throughout this movie, but never with any reason. No, just always like, well, you know, we got to, if we don't keep moving the, the magnets that her husband implanted in her skin will draw the ball bearing drop the minute she

went missing and then I'll be stuck to the outside of the house. So but now this time they have to toss her in the trunk and this is where apparently, apparently that's like Jesus can't go in trunks, you know, because the whole thing is about no, I'm all Christian, so I'm perfectly calm, but they try to throw in her trunk and she freaks right the fuck out. I wanted her to really freak out like for an appropriately long time since she spent so much time talking about how calm she is. She's like, oh god shit. Oh no, I abandoned God. I abandoned God. Fuck me. Unless you fuck me, I make you feel so fucking good. I'll make you still so you can pick a hole, Jerry. You can pick a hole. All right, you can go into the back seat. So I think Christ is probably one.

So so calm. You are drenched in urine. The urine of Christ baptized in urine. Also, there's this bizarre light where Jerry's trying to talk over to the trunk. He's like, it's okay. I wrote in that trunk before. Why Jerry?

What? Why? To test it out for, you know, I would pay anything for them planning and Jerry's like, all right, now I'm in the trunk. What? Yeah. Bill, let me out. Bill. Bill. So my new theory is Jerry also got kidnapped and just started being really helpful. And I was like an intern right. That's how that went. Yeah. All right. So they finally get her in the trunk and they drive away at length. There's a 10 minute show of them driving away. They did not turn around.

If you were thinking they drove away most of the way to the horizon and then turned around and say, no, they didn't. They went all the way. Also all cars in these years looked fucking identical. So they would cut shots and you'd be like, oh, I can't follow where the car was one because it's dark and B because everything was a white boat that somehow was on land. Yeah. So weird for me, the cars back then look so distinct and different in all the cars today. Look exactly the same. I guess that's one of those things about being old. So they stop at another pay phone to call the husband again and you're just reminded of how bad phones sucked in the 70s. It's like lines busy. There is literally nothing we can do.

Yeah, it's so good. They call the the crimeron Home place and they're just like a nice dinner of bacon and cigarettes and five piece suits like you do. And one of them picks up. He's like, what hold on? My collar was blocking all the sound. But the point is that's not the kidnappers calling. They're like on the phone. So the kidnappers get a busy signal. Yeah. So they have to go from that payphone to another phone. This is important enough for us to have to watch. They have to go from that pay phone to another phone. So they decide this time to go to a pinball arcade. A pinball arcade. You might as well have a place that's like, Hey, welcome to Steve So where every 45 seconds, I shout here we are. Steve starts with pizza and the ad drink. Three, two, one, here we are.

Steve starts with pizza. Four, one, one, cool drive road. You need to make a call. Sure. I'll introduce you. Bill Johnson and Jerry Smith, your orders up. Those are your real names. Your order is ready.

So here at the pinball arcade, they finally get a hold of gunner and Bill is the one talking on the phone. The entire time Jerry is eating chips loudly out of a bag as though it was a comedy routine. I want to start just like making a smoothie right next to you. Dude, just, just, I wrote as a joke, I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, do what the fuck am I would you? And he's like, I wanted songs. Again, what's the time? How is this character not mentally disabled? Okay. Paid extra for play now. Also, also the, the, the husband says, well, how do I know you really have my wife? I want to ask you a test question, you know, so that the next

time we talk, I know she's fine or whatever, ask Eunice what we did after the opera in Rome. Now think about for a second, all the interesting answers that question could have, you know, shared a male prostitute, for example, rim job, for example, just keep those in mind because eventually we're going to reveal the answer and it's not any of those interesting things. No, but I did have to pause the movie and cry with laughter for a solid four minutes when I find out the answer. Right. You are the most boring Christian couple ever.

Yeah. All right. So Bill tells him, you know, to meet him at that same phone booth west of Lindeil, but not to bring cops or guns. This only is that kind of fight. So in case this kidnapping turns into a rumble. So the body double heads off to drive to the, to the drop point. And then we cut back to the kidnappers who now have to ask Eunice, who is still on the

trunk. They have to shout ask Eunice what they did after the opera in Rome. This is so funny. So he turns to me, goes, all right, hat, chat, you want something to do? Ask Eunice, what they did after the apry. And I'm like, okay, so they're going to pull over the car, he's going to open, he's going to, no, he turns from the trunk is like What'd you do after the opera No, no, no after the opera

No, no after and And her answer is not we rimmed Antonio, you know, it's not we tried PK. It's we went out for pizza. They went out for pizza in Rome. That's like a first get that's like if they had killed units, their first guest and he's like, oh, you got right. Tell her I love her Italian food. They you ate Italian food. Oh, there you go. Who'd a guest? Don't love her. Italian food. You ate Italian food. Oh, good.

There you go. Good. Food a guest. Don't torture her. Oh, God. So ask her if I like heads or tails better. Like yeah, you need more specific questions. Yeah.

And then, okay. So now 95% of this movie will be people in phone booths or people going to phone booths. So now we have the body double, the FBI agent that's pretending to be Mr. Cronholm going to a different phone booth and then a different phone booth from there. How is that helpful? I just keep sending him to different phone booths. I know the, I feel like these kidnappers either someone described kidnapping badly to the people who made this movie or these

kidnappers watched an even worse movie about changing locations is key. And that is it. And blindfolds blindfolds are key. Yeah. And masks occasionally, but randomly, yeah, we need to find that movie. So I'm sure we will eventually. So the kidnappers, the, the, the body double shows up and the kidnappers want to see us hit so they know he's not wearing a wire. So they're like, you know, step out of the phone booth and open your jacket and your shirt and do the shuffle shuffle. And he has to take off his, his wire, which is just a fucking pwg, just a room full of vacuum tubes, he disconnects from,

oh, it's a shirt. So stupid. And now they want, they say they want $400,000 in fives, tens and 20s. Why? Why would you want fives and tens? What, like we want half the number of fives

to equal a third, the number of tens. So how many 20s do we want? What? Just get. Why? And it now it's all a number now, too. You're asking for $400,000. Yes.

I think I'll buy this house actually. Great. Did you take cash? Oh, yeah. No, cash will be fantastic. Wait, let me finish. Let me finish because this is going to matter. How much cash will you take?

What denominations would you like? What the, now this is also a bizarre moment. The body double says, oh, sorry, the banks closed this weekend. All I can get is 200,000. So apparently he's just got that laying around and cash. And yeah, 200,000, because that's all you can take out of the ATM. And this, this like, I guess a bluff works because they're like, wait, should we just take 200,000?

Okay, we'll just take, okay, fine, we'll take 200,000. I wanted to be like, all right, wait, the bank closed again. Now we can only give you 5,000. All right. All right. And also like, what was the idea? Like, is the guy works at the bank, right? That's why they're, but he can't just go to the bank and take out however much money.

That's not how that works. Is that not when you're a bank manager, they don't just let you into a big room full of money and they're like, and you just get in here and grab however much of it whenever you feel like it's just paper. We'll print some more according to David Ike. We need to. All right. So they give them the amount and they're like, all right, meet us tomorrow in the evening

at this same. And I'm like, why not closer to now? Why not go get the money and come back? Why tomorrow evening? All right. Meet us tonight with the money. Ooh, tonight is not delayed. Oh, how's

tomorrow? I'm a late sleeper. No, me too. Me too. Like lunch. When do you eat lunch? Two, three o'clock. Oh, that's kind of bumps right up against my dinner. All right. So why don't we just call it dinner then that way we don't have to worry about it. Sure. Yeah, that sounds great. I'll text you. That's in 30 years. Yeah, 30 years. Yeah. So now we go to a different house or hotel or something where they're going to spend yet another night.

And then we cut back to the body double who goes back to Gunner. Gunner says what happened. Now I'm telling you guys all of this, this is a fucking gas because the entire movie is in blackness at this point. Mumbled in the dark. Yeah. My notes here are, I can't see anything. This entire scene is in the dark. They're inside a room or something. What do you guys think is happening? That's all the notes have. Yeah, there's a four or five minute moment here where none of us have notes because it's just like, is this the intermission? They're still sound. So the body double gets back to gun or any like how did it go?

He's like, they called it off. I'm like, no, they fucking didn't. We were there. They just said tomorrow evening. Why would you? And also, what does that mean? They called it, yeah, they just killed her. Like what would you call off a kidnapping?

Any. Now, don't you cry like a sissy man now when I tell you a wife's dead. Okay, but tell me did they torture her? You seem obsessed with that, Gunner. I need you to stop asking that question. I wrote it on my arm. Gunner's like 200 grand. My wife's not aware.

Have you seen her? She looks like a fucking substitute teacher. But now there's a substitute teacher in the audience angrily emailing me, sorry about that. I'm sure you're very pretty. So yeah. And this is where I first started realizing, oh my God, nothing's ever going to happen in this movie, is it? There's some guy right now who owns a Jeep, lives in New Jersey and whose wife is a substitute teacher who fucking hates our show. Yeah. He also got that ring at sales. Yeah, exactly. So we cut to the next day, Sunday, 5 a.m. They're waking up bright and early so they can leave the house or motel or whatever thing,

but not. Yeah, anyway, so they bring her to a different house or motel. And this is where like, you know, they let her listen to the radio, but she wants to listen to Christian radio because this has to be a Christian movie once every 16 minutes. And we should point out every room they enter is uglier than the last series of ugly rooms, the 1960s and 70s story. Yeah, so Jerry wakes her up with the radio. And he's like, Oh, what's what station do you want?

She goes, try 83. What? Just just 83. They have integer try six. What's on six? You listen to the six. With squeaky in the bow. And then, okay, so the Christian music comes in. It's like him, no music or whatever.

And I'm like, oh my God, this is what they used to have to listen to. Now Christian rock makes sense. Now that makes sense. Oh, fuck, God, what's something to do? That's a muscle in him, no, actually. But it's kind of working because Jerry is clearly turning into a Christian like a werewolf saw the moon. He's getting a little second hand popping out of his skin.

See, I wanted her to start squealing like, oh my God, this is my son. Another kidnapping victim runs across the room and her. But instead she started. But instead she starts crying., she has a washcloth taped over her eyes. So that's convenient. And it looked at this moment like Jerry was just about to make his move. But no, not he's not. Also, I feel like Eunice is kind of being a bitch to God here. Like it's still part of the plan. She's crying. Don't be so self-involved. It's all in the plan. Be bitch. All right. Well, I guess now that we've got a little reassurance that this is indeed a religious movie, we're going to forward to pause for a much needed break. But first,

let me give act three of the hard sell here. Will it be windy out tomorrow? You think, can I borrow Heath's copy of breakfast of champions? What are we going to do for lunch on Sunday when we all get together? Find out the answers to unrelated questions that nobody would bother to ask when we return for the end of the script conclusion that is held for ransom. I feel like the end of the script was held for ransom and they couldn't afford it. That's probably what it is. 200,000 dollars and we'll tell you how the movie is. Let her go. However much you have in your pocket now, we call it even can afford it. I don't have that five.

All right, so now I'll stay with the girl and you do the ransom demand. Oh, you got it. I'll make sure to sell real scary. Okay, great. You want to run it by me first, though? Yeah, sure to sound real scary. Okay. You want to run it by me first though? Yeah. Sure. Let's practice.

Okay. Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring,

bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring be right. Fine. Fine. Hello. No, Nate threw me off. Wait, wait a minute. Fine. Do the, do the story yet. Bring, bring, bring, bring. Hello. G you answered the phone quick. Jesus fucking Christ. Can we? Sorry. No. Go ahead. Hello. Hey, is, is Mr. Kushner there? No, I'm sorry, he's not here. Okay, I'll call back later.

Thank you so much for your time. He wasn't there. I'm going to kill you. The worst. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our characters, they were listening to the Christian radio, but before we can get back to them, we have to check in on Gunner. He's nervous.

We needed another scene in case you were wondering if he was still nervous. Yeah. And so someone walks out of the room, walks back in three seconds later and goes, oh, no, it was just Eric, which means that they must have answered the phone and someone went It's Eric and then hung up. It has how much time they've got. Yeah, the only way the timing on that could have worked out So this person Eric was pranking them during a hostage As soon as they pick up We're decided to give her back. No, I just got you. I'm a torture her.

No, I don't have much to tell bothers you. No, it's her. I mean, they might torture her still. No, we don't know. But get your hopes up. 50, 50. So, yeah, and that's the whole scene, by the way, that's the entire scene. Then we go back to the motel and they're still listening to Christian radio and something

comes on the news about Eunice. The Christian radio station wants all their listeners to pray for Eunice. And she's like, I can't believe it. And neither can he. He's like, wow, thousands of people are praying for you. I could feel their prayers weighing down to my arms and legs. So much worse at kidnapping because of prayers. Hopefully all those prayers are the same though where it gets pretty complicated. People are praying that she gets tortured. Wege board. You were moving it. You were torturing her. And then so we cut away from that, we get this long pan at great. So this is like a 10 minute

pan shot of them, you know, Granny's baking a happy kidnapping cake or whatever. Yeah. Kidnapple pie. Oh nice nice. Nice. And as they're panning through this, we see like the high tech phone tracking device or whatever they haven't touched to the phone. Oh, 70s. I got the car from Knight Rider attached to the phone.

A laser tag pack. Yeah. A lot of stuff going on. And again, that's all we get from that scene. That's the whole scene. Pan Granny's making a cake. That was important. No. So meanwhile, back at the hotel, Jerry has decided that when he's done with this kidnapping, he's going to love Jesus and give a lot of his money to good causes. And she's like, oh, what causes? And he was like, I just said that. I was stupid now. Stupid.

Um, unit, unit something. God, they blind. You could find a nickel for a blind kid. You know what I'm talking about? Unicep them. Yeah. Next time he's on the phone, I'd like a donation in my name instead of ransom. you could five and nickel for a blind kid, you know what I'm talking about, unicep them. Yeah, next time he's on the phone, I'd like a donation in my name instead of ransom. I read a check to the Salvation Army from Kidnapper Jerry is.

Bring it to the drop point. Give, tell it hurts. And then Bill shows up with food and Jerry's like like Bill, it was so awesome you and believe it There's all these failures in Minneapolis praying for you. This is amazing. He's like, yeah, okay. Let's eat food And he's like, hey, I'm gonna have you write a note to your husband You can say some of your stuff, but then I got a couple of things I want you to say for me This will never come back. Nope. Nope. There will never be. He will never give this. No, Danny once. She will never write the note. There is no purpose in this at all.

Like just a creative writing class. What? What's happening? Want to give you something to do with your hands. I wanted it so badly to be like, I am safe in there treating me well. The Jews, no Jews died in 9-11. None. Do you ever think about that? And now we cut from there to our third gunner praying scene.

And this time he opens up his prayer like he's trying to break up with God but doesn't want him to make a scene. He's so stupid. Like, please don't let my wife get raped. Wait, no, sorry. So I'm cool with whatever you decide. He's just here to do the sure thing. I'm not second guessing.

Torture her, don't torture her. Whatever you're saying. Well, and that's it. His whole prayer amounts to dear Jesus. Do whatever it is you are going to do. Appreciate it. Amen. That's it. Yep. So now we

cut to the next day and it's time for the drop. So they go back to the pinball place. All places to have a location. The pinball parlor, where is where they go back to. Yeah. And again, so the point of this is to send him from one phone booth to another, which they are want to do. With like elaborate instructions, like the next, this, I'm giving you instructions now, no, no, but like, I'm again, I'm going to give you more instructions, but they're written in a phone book on the page with your last name when you get to this next phone. How is this helpful?

Right? And also, payphones don't have fuck the directories ripped out asshole. I know how payphones work. I'm old enough. Anyway, people would steal the yellow pages. Oh, yeah. And meanwhile, we cut to, yeah, now you can't fucking get rid of them. Right. But back then, no people, yeah, and roll joints with them or something. I don't know what the fuck they were doing. Anyway, so we also cut to the high tech FBI center where the super computers are tracking the calls. It's like a room full of record players and just like, it's like a golfing with them

somehow. Great. Might as well have a tin can attach to the kidnappers and like a super, super long screen. Ow, ow, ow. They got they went around like a corner. They didn't angle it Frank. Who you, you. And also at the same time, Gunners back home listening to the police radio because they put all the secret kidnapping instructions out on the police radio. So they tell the body double that's pretending to be gunner. They tell him to leave the money on the trunk and the cops will keep it under surveillance the whole time and nothing will ever fucking out.

God Jesus. We need to communicate about this movie is we're giving you the highlights here because most of this is driving around in the dark. No, a question when in the 1970s did they invent the Sun and street lights? Is there a ceremony or was it just there one day like an overpass? This was the energy crisis. Jimmy Carter's fall. Oh, yeah. There you go. They couldn't have. So I was like, I think at that point. Okay. And just to give you an idea, okay, at this point in the movie, Gunner, the guy who's pretending to be gunner, the FBI agent, pulls into a parking lot.

We are going to pan over that parking lot for nine goddamn minutes and then just move on to a different location. Literally, we watch just enormous cars parking for nine minute literally. Not like I could see carbon forming in the shape of a foot. Yeah. Crazy long. My notes are from here on are like more nothing. Hurray. Why are the cars so big in this?

Did they have just like giant lime green recliners for every passenger? What was going on in there? They did. They did actually. We're never going to run out of gas at this rate. Yeah. Yeah. Add some fins. That'll make them look good. This is when we were still finding gas in the United States. So we were not worried. Yeah. Also, he says like, okay, so the guy, the, you know, Gunners listen into the radio back home. And the guy on the radio

says radio silence will be maintained to protect the package. I'm like, do you know what radio silence means? You're saying that over is that just a cop word to you? Starting now. Okay. Well, no, no, no, no, not now, but you know, the next time I say now, now, now, now, room. Okay. Can we get a count 10 count and you started joining on four? All right. So I believe all of us for the next six minutes of this movie have something along the lines of I have zero clue what's going on here. I think people are driving.

Yeah. It's just cars. Maybe one of them's a police car because it kind of pulls over other identical cars that just don't have a siren light. I don't. Yeah. I couldn't really see. My note again was, what do you guys think is happening? Yep. There's a lot of that. Yeah. So now the body double guy goes back to yet another

phone booth and Jerry calls him from there and Jerry's all nervous because there's cops everywhere. I guess, which is what we were supposed to be seeing when there was no light earlier. And he tells him to go past a McDonald's hamburger stand. And I wrote my notes as opposed to McDonald's garden supply. Like this is the semidies. How new was McDonald's that people were like McDonald's. Oh, the new up and coming fast food joint. Yeah.

Yeah, I think they're really going to make it. Yeah, me too. Yeah. It's the semidies. Oh, for fuck's sake. Well, but again, like if they, if they left out specifying what McDonald's was, this movie would have nothing. It would be eight minutes long. That's the most interesting thing that happened in this movie is when he had to specify which McDonald's he was talking about. Oh, and of course,

we just can't have enough foam booth scenes. So that's where he's going. He's going to meet him in a different phone booth near McDonald's Yeah, if you're into phone booths like if that's your sex thing watch this movie get Another person like get on fat life and just search for phone booth. There's Half a dozen people and three of them are attractive and just really enjoy this film What's this website you're talking about? What do you say? It was called okay? We're all gonna pretend we don't know what fat life is on this call all right attractive and just really enjoy this film. What's this website you're talking about? What do you say, Wisconsin?

Okay, we're all going to pretend we don't know what fat life is on this call. All right, y'all don't know what fat life is. Oh, what's fat life? What's the chair? What's the house? So I also love this moment the way they're like begging us for some big Lebowski references because he's like, all right, I want you now to take the money to the bridge and leave it at the edge of the bridge. And of course I wrote fucking amateurs. No funny stuff. Yeah. Yeah, right. Right. Actually, what I really wrote was Holy shit. 23 minutes

till my parole. Oh, that was nice. And at this point, I was just, because I can't see anything, I was just reading Noah's notes. So I wrote, it's nice to hear that there's only 23 minutes left in this movie. Don't you lie to me, Noah. Don't you lie to me. So the body double arrives at the bridge and drops off the money because that's the next thing. Is that what happened? Yes.

Well, again, I haven't been able to see since act one. That's, you're sure that's what happened. Pretty sure. And we cannot overstate how dimly lit this fucking movie is. So what's going on in this scene? We've got Jerry who's hiding in the bushes on the other side of the bridge, wearing a bright orange hat because he's hiding. And we are seeing from his perspective a car pull up on the other side

of a bridge. All we can see is headlights and then we can hear door opening and door closing noises. Right. He drops off the buddy and then like another car appears at the other end of the bridge and apparently spins in a slow circle, impossibly for 60 minutes and Jerry is frightened by that impossibility. So doesn't get the money, but then he does get the money. And then, and then when he has the money, he runs to a different location and hides it under straw. Yeah.

It's so stupid. In case that what he was going to get stopped and someone was going to be like, that money is illegal. You can't have, why? Why? Why? I didn't, I didn't enjoy the part where he like slowly for about 10 minutes runs like Gary Bucy towards the bag in the middle of the bridge, but then that car or other car or something pulls back. You see his headlights and he like dives into the bushes on the side of the bridge. That car leaves it against paying a lot of attention to the logistics here, but yeah.

So he hides the money under some leaves. This will never come back. No. And the body double gets back to the wherever the hell gunner was to assure him that the money's dropped off. His wife should be back soon. What? So there's a phase of this plan after getting the bag of cash. What do

you think they're, they're burying it to not have it yet? I don't. Yeah. No, because nothing else happens in the entire movie from this point on. Nothing happens. There's still 20 minutes. I ain't nothing's happened up till now. So that shouldn't surprise us. But yeah, they're just ultimately, they're just going to let her go at the end of spoiler. They're just going to let her go now that they've got the money. So guys, I don't know about you. Were you wondering at this point about Bill's emotional journey? As it turns out, apparently I was. Because that's what we're gonna explore now.

We go back to Eunice and Bill chatting about Jesus. And basically she says, Bill, you need to let Jesus run your life because can't do worse than you're doing right now to which he immediately starts stopping, right? And then it's over. Yeah. Insanely and uncomfortable. He's a wet, wet cryer.

It's gross. A lot of wetness. Yeah. And then we get a quick scene where Gunner gets back to his place from, I thought he was already at his place. Right. He's another car pulling into a different location. I can't recognize that. Wrote in my notes. I guess it's Noah pulling it to Wendy's. He's a manager of because why the fuck not?

Yeah. So now we cut to the next day. Why this isn't over yet is beyond to me and we'll never be explained, but we cut to the next day and Jerry pulls up at the wherever it is that they are and tells Bill that he has the money so you and us can go home now. I'm breaking in my nose like, why isn't this? Donnie still need to have a heart attack and they have to have the burial scene. The ashes or something. I don't. What?

And then Bill's like, all right, kidnap partner. Just about done. I'm just going to do some errands, some dry cleaning. You just stay here. I'm definitely not going to take the bag you buried in hay for no reason and leave. If I don't come back soon, kill her. If I don't come back, get rid of her. When it went should how long I want to walk out the door for him to immediately shoot her in the face. Bam time to come. Yeah, there's a lot of a lot of vague instruction going on here. If I don't come back get rid of her in what way and how much time do I give you none of

that is explored. Yeah. And keep in mind it's not like Jerry can handle vague instructions here. This is the guy who hung up on the fucking ransom demands he was making. Yeah. So Bill is leaving and we, you know, when we see Bill leaving, he's like, hey, sucker. I got the money now. So he's planning on leaving Jerry with without ever returning. So I want to point out, I'm going to jump out of sync because I think it's important, right? Because Jerry's about to introduce a radio.

They're going to listen to the radio for a second. But what must happen is Bill goes, haha, sucker. And then immediately gets arrested. Like the moment the camera comes, the cops must have just jumped in and be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, the kidnapper apparently because seconds later, he turns on a radio and they hear on the news that they picked someone up involved in Unis's kidnapping on the news. So it's gotten happened and it's on the news. Yeah, man, that was quick.

And then and Unis, you know, jerry's out of the room at the time so you know says jerry they just talked about you know the kidnapping on the radio so he comes back in and tries to rewind the radio which he successfully does he winds it to another news channel introducing the exact same story what are the odds yeah and and they they say Fred Wilson was picked up. And I guess that's Bill because Jerry's pretty freaked out when he hears the name. Just go from channel six to four.

It goes back. It goes back two minutes. That makes perfect sense now. That's how those works. Yeah. So Jerry pulls out a gun because he's going to have to murder her now, maybe, but he doesn't know for sure. He can't decide what to do.

His partner's just been caught. He's sure to get caught and he's not sure whether or not to add murder of the rap so he looks cool when he goes into. What is this? I just feel like, all right, let's take this off and get to a police station. You want the gun? I just feel like we should, this is not going to go well. There's no conflict here.

The kidnapping went badly. It's over. Well, there are some serious stakes that you guys aren't talking about. Let's not forget that she asked God to have her home from the kidnapping by today at six p.m. Yeah. She gave God a specific time. Yeah. Is it going to work out? Isn't it? We'll see. Yeah. Meanwhile, at another location, where nothing interesting is happening, Gunner awakes to a phone call. And he's asleep in a chair, like heath. Every time he sits in a chair, ever. Chairs are comfortable. And for some reason, I guess this is the son at this point. I just thought it was a village person,

but he comes and answers the phone. And that's it because nothing is said on the phone. It's just like, no, it's just a wrong number. Okay, well, it's important to include that. I assume it's a, hello, I'm a guy who brings Coke to a potlock. How can I help you? Yeah. Being dip, huh? Seems kind of lame. And meanwhile back at the kidnapping Jerry tells her to take

off her blindfolds because it doesn't matter anymore. But it absolutely does. Absolutely. He does identify him. Take off your blindfold. Here's a strand of my hair. Here's my thumb. Back for it. And once you take off. Yeah. So he tells her to go and she forgives him and tells him that God loves him. And then she gives him a kiss, which was a little weird. And then he lets her go and she walks away. She walks away like 20 feet out of the house and then jumps in a car with a stranger. I would have been so happy if she got kidnapped again. That would have been the greatest thing that she just, oh,

man, you're another kid just looks up as God. You are being funny this way. You are. I see what you're doing. So what, what, what have you been doing today? Oh, I was kidnapped. My husband paid 200 grand for ransom. Oh, really? 200, what you've been doing today? Oh, I was kidnapped. My husband paid 200 grand for ransom. Oh, really? 200 grand, you're worth, huh? Oh, yeah, but they caught the guy. Oh, all right. Hmm.

So, How calmer you want to scale from one to Christian? Oh, I'm full on Christian. All right, then. So, and this seems like an odd, because this is based on a true story. So it seems like this woman is purposefully advertising to kidnappers that she's really good at this shit. Right.

You know, like if you're looking for somebody to kidnap that won't freak out, I'm your gal. So this person that's picked her up now drops her off at a drug store or something. And she runs to the phone sounding very close to orgasm. You know how like, you know how like they'll fake like they're close to orgasm so you'll keep going and slow down and everything, but they're really not close to orgasm. It sounds like that. I know exactly what you mean. Yep. Me too. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh my god. And then they,

uh, they put their boobs together. They squish them together. She can't just make people inside so they don't pop. So she's making her naked sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes on that often enough. So she uses the phone at the at the drugstore and calls home. Now they're going to come and gather. Well, actually, FBI, we have a five minute scene while the FBI argues with Gunner over who should go pick her up. But again, this movie is so desperate for time. It's just like, okay, but I mean, I get

better gas mileage. That's true. That's true. Where are my keys? Has anyone seen my key? Honestly, if this movie had spent 20 minutes looking for someone's keys I'd be like Sure, I'm sure you sure did And of course this is where you just glances up at the clock and well, you know what it's six minutes to six just like Jesus promised assuming that she's less than six minutes from home and again She's on the phone She has been on the phone the entire time and somehow the FBI is there. The FBI walks, so she's been a two minute, the FBI was apparently stopping there for some ho-hoes and they were like, oh, fuck, we're at that guest station. You know, he's like, aw, nice.

Awesome. Yeah. So like, and that we go back to God or who's all like relieved now, the sun says, dad, she made it and the dad says, good thing this is in a movie or that would be insanely anticlimactic. And then the preacher steps in to take credit for everything. Yeah, I know we've prayed a lot these four days, but let's keep praying again. It's to more of that. Just one more for old time's sake. And yeah. And so he prays and thanks God for kidnapping the wife. I don't, yeah, again. And this is that that's the most fucked up thing about this is that this is all a problem

of evil kind of thing anyway, right? Because God let her be kidnapped. It's just like you gave me the strength to deal with the thing that you made me deal with. Well, it's also the problem of 6 p.m. being solved by Christian. Oh, well, that's true. That's true. Assuming they drove really fast, strong apologetic. And then we get to meet the real gunner in unis right at the end of the movie. They pop up and are like, hi, we're the real gunner in unis. We're not that different looking from the actors, but here we are. And

while so not any worse, it acting because that wouldn't be possible. We have equal amounts trouble reading the cue cards directly in front of us as the actors. That man I call Jerry, he sent me a letter of apologize and for kidnapping me and he said he found God. So no backsees. Bye. Yeah. No, they talk about Jesus for a while. You know, and then they say God is a really great God.

And I'm like, he's, but he's the only one for you guys, right? So he's not what are you, which are you comparing him to lay mass Egyptian gods? I wanted you to be like, yeah, Jerry, he's found God now. Then he asked God to parole him at six PM. So we're going to go pick him up before six. So we meant that. And then we get some 46 one that is not the one about smashing baby heads against the rock.

So I don't care. Damn. And then the movie is over and nothing had ever happened. Yep. We are the most eventful thing to happen to this movie. All right. Well, if doing this show has taught me anything, it's that there's always a worst movie. So it stands to reason that someday we're going to watch a movie with even last plot than this one. So we're going to close out the review tonight with some predictions. When we find that movie, what will it be about? Oh, I'm going to say Tommy Wiseau in a room. There's some other plots of that,

but that's he wanted it to just be him in a room. Yeah, no. Verizon store for Jesus. I've been waiting here for 25. How busy is this Verizon's tonight? 97 Latina employees and no one here can add a line. I don't, I see you not doing anything. If I want to buy beats, headphones, I'd have all of your attention instantly. I want to pay you an extra $20 a month for the rest of my life. I have to fucking solve a riddle and get out of an escape room.

You assholes. Boy, we could go out, let's just do an hour and a half about how bad a Verizon sucks. That would have been so much better than reviewing this moving. I use Project 5 by Google. It's a lot better deal. It's a big deal. All right, well, when you want to leave a message of guy answers and is like, I tell him And that guy is a lot cheaper than Verizon is what I'm saying. Okay, you're my fifth project today

So I'm probably not gonna get him your message project today. So I'm probably not going to get him your message. It's not always a racist guy anyway. And well, I guess that's going to do it for a review of Held for Ransom. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to coax you back out of hiding next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Regis prayer. I'm so excited. I'm so happy. You guys know who the people in this movie are. Yes, we do. It's Reggie White. It's Reggie White. It's about Reggie White. If he had stopped being a football player to coach high school football for Jesus and fight drug dealers. Apparently, yes, and Mr. Miyagi's in it. Yeah. Oh, that's so fucking sad. So is the big show. Yeah. Yeah. And also special appearances by Brett Farve and Mike

Holmgren. So just look forward to a whole episode of Eli saying, Cray Sean Mankins next week. It'll be amazing. Yeah. Should be a lot of fun. So with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 80 to a merciful close once a get a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists, and the skepticrat, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot and the conveevil drafts on Mars and was used with the marition. If you like what you hear here and more by following the links on the show notes for this episode.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life for this week for Heathen, right, Neelya Bosnick. I'm Noah Luzon's Promise and a Work Hard for another O'Chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club clothes God Doesn't exist Eli took a disturbing amount of logistical notes during this one Bill and Jerry went on to use their kidnapping skills to found patreon.com Patreon.com

We're going to drop your Patreon money off of fridge Noah's got to wear an orange hat and go get it I'm so sticky. Like Jack Daniels, sus. Well, you want me to wipe this down with the same rag I used to say. You know what? Something wet cleans it. I will have to pick up vomit just now with that. Yeah. One table over.

Wipe down. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.