God Awful Movies - 81: GAM081 Reggie's Prayer

Episode Date: March 7, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Reggie's Prayer; the story of a millionaire football star who tried to portray a millionaire football star in a movie and failed miserably. If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

Un chapuzón, con el avito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bail Guésville Parkesur. He starts doing push-ups to 80s glam rock. And they just start doing push-ups with him. Why would you?

For no reason? I can't know why. I watched him see so many push-ups. He thinks so funny! He's so funny! So stupid! People can't just do those over and over like that. It's so dumb. But you all got to be like, ten push-ups in a row.

Okay, whatever. movie Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from christian cinema because we like our listeners More than we like us. I'm your host Noah Luciens and sitting in my immediate left is my good friend heath and right heath Welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who can't read Brett far. We learned in this movie. Brett far. Can't read not a leg. Nope. And so 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig Eli. How are you this fine afternoon sir? Pretty good. Who do we think in this movie could read? Who was the cast reader? Not a lot of strong phonics in this film. Yeah. Budget ran out before they got a reader.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right. We watched Reggie's Prayer. It's the story of an NFL player who retires and takes a job as a history teacher, despite having no knowledge or experience about anything like that. And then leaves halfway through the first semester. But he thinks the whole story is about football. It's not.

It's about a dick teacher. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if nobody in your family has ever gotten an A, but greatness has been waiting in your body for a hundred years, you will know this movie. But even stand up on a table over it. Yeah, this movie is like someone paid the mighty ducks to explain dead poets' assigned to the untouchables

while they were working. Okay, so after last week, we earned this fucking movie. We deserved something. This was not good bad. This was great bad. Oh, yeah, this is, I think the best movie we've watched. I would put this above blood freak. It's right up there with the greatest things I've ever seen in my life.

And of course, one of the primary gimmicks going for this movie is that I have a lot of cameos from a number of football grades. Eli, would you care to name a few of those football grades for us? Yeah. Decon Klingon. He was in it. Sweet baby James. Scoot, scoot, scoot, bib, bib, uh-huh, yeah. Sweet con Jackson and Brett Farf. And Brett Farf. He said his dick to a reporter.

That is why I know who that is. You may hear more about his dick before this is over and heath. What's the one football cameo in this movie that you wanted to see and didn't? Oh, that's the tough call. Plexico Burst, Javan Belcher, Jr. Sal, they all shot themselves. He's no right when they would show up in the film. No, change my answer. Bella check is the bad guy.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Nice. And Eli, dare I ask same question, OJ Simpson. Same answer. If he's in the middle of the fight with the drug dealer guy and he just comes in, stab stab stab stab stab stab, he takes off the gloves. And he's like, you know when blood dries, leather shrinks, see you later.

All right. This actually seems like a bit of a big ask for this one. Is there anything you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Uh, yeah. Well, first of all, OJ was found not guilty. I just wanted to throw that out. I'm going to say best worst understanding of how grades in schoolwork or what those

are. Like if you ask this entire cast and writing team, what's a grade, you would not get a single meaningful answer. They, no, do not know what that word is. You would not, but they would all ask if they could write in their own. Exactly. And nobody in my family has ever gotten an A. So we're not really, we don't know how that ever, ever, never generated. They eventually knew letters applied. Yeah,

but not, not much more than that. They changed our name at Ellis Island to not an A. I'm going to go with, you know, this is a spoiler. So, you know, plus 15 seconds if you want to be surprised. Best, worst use of a sheet. Not gonna say how. Not gonna say why. There's a sheep in this movie. Because the movie doesn't say why. No, exactly.

Oh my God, I loved it so much. All right, so I was just gonna go with best worst extraneous football metaphors. They're amazing. What's the, what they made no sense. He just says football words from time to time and they're like, yeah, that's as red as you can only keep my script so long. I guess. Reggie, what are you looking for for lunch today?

I'll tell you what I want. Am I going to go in the past and I block my man? It's about that good. All right, well somehow this movie's alluded us for 20 years and we're eager to end that streak So we're gonna keep the time out brief and when we break the huddle we'll pass interference helmet line of scrimmage post route that is Reggie's prayer Those were all real football words. Ah, Reggie Knox. No, my name is Reggie White in the movie.

Oh, right, right. Yes, so you've decided to retire from the NFL to teach history, eh? Oh, yeah, I want to inspire all my students to do incredible things, and a lifetime of running into other human beings as hard as I can is the best preparations. I see, so what do you plan to cover? I will cover my man and make the past happen. Haha, that's a very clever idea. No, I meant what's your syllabus?

Oh, uh, re-ji-knock, three,-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k right? Oh no, a bear. Hey, everybody, just breaking in for a quick update video from our live show at Tom and Cecil and Chicago is now available on Patreon.com for patrons who pledge $2 or more per episode for just two bucks a show. You get to watch Eli arm wrestle Tom and we're pretty sure if you slow the video down enough, you can see his balls, but that's not all. You also get to see special in between moments that we cut from the audio version while we did interstitials. But more importantly, you get to catch Eli miming shoving gay people in a box. So if you haven't had a chance to check it out, head over to patreon.com slash god

off the one pledge $2 or more to get access to that as well as our usual ad free early additions of the show as well as access to our monthly bonus episodes on secular cinema. We just released our episode on the childhood destruction that is Street Fighter the Movie and you're not going to want to miss that. If you're feeling extra generous, of course you can pledge $5 for all that plus a free copy of our Christian Movie Bingo card or $10 or more and get free VIP tickets to our live shows. But most importantly, you'll be supporting the show and keeping us from starving to death. And now, back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown. And before we get going, I want to thank Eli for finding this movie.

I want to thank Reggie and his grandma for producing. I want to thank YouTube for preserving it and all its glory. And I most of all want to thank all the patrons that kept me going every time I thought I couldn't watch another one of these movies. It was all worth it. And it was worth it as early as the logo. Yeah, it really was. Immediately this movie was not made for a TV as big as mine.

Never. My sales TV was just right. Yeah, that's all made out of chalk with diamonds. So, so we're going to start this movie off with one of the most bizarre, like throwing shit at you opening scenes. I've ever seen in my life. We get switchplades, guns and stealing great bubble yum all in sort of one montage, you know, so criminal stuff. Then we back away to learn that we've got a young kid who

is apparently holding up a liquor store at gunpoint on a dare from his gang. Right. And his gang are just like standing outside, faces uncovered, being like, Mark, Mark, you won't do it. You won't rob a grocery store. Oh, grand larceny. I'm a big chicken. Exactly. Yeah. And also crosscut with this, there's an old guy limping somewhere else. Does he get explained later? I don't think he does. No, okay. No, yeah, there's like many things in this movie, you're just kind of left guessing who the limping was an old man limping somewhere.

Yeah, exactly. Now, that's all you need to know. So the kid loses his nerve, can't quite bring himself to rob the store all the way. So he runs away, the gang chases him. He sits down in an alley and shoots himself in the face. Yeah, this movie starts with a kid shooting himself in the face with a gun and goes better from there. It gets better. It's what we're telling you. This movie gets crazier than that against all odds. Yeah.

Right. No, it really does. It never stops ramping up the crazy. So straight from that suicide, we're going to go to the choir singing a song called I Can Do All Things, which is a weird segue from a kid shooting himself. I just I feel like it's right. Right. Right. We see that his suicides made the front page of the local paper. Yeah. Like area boy commits

suicide. It would have been great if it was the onion. The kid just like pops up laughing. I miss Reddit. And I thought it said, Vile boy commits suicide. It's like, man, it's all some bubble. Yum. I feel like this is harsh. Fucking hoodlums. Yeah, no, no, it was Knoxville boy. Yeah, yeah. But also, okay, so we get the credits here. And all I can say about these credits are, you would think you're reading a yacht related indictment. There's a bunch of football players among others. There's also Mr. Miyagi, Paparita, Brett Farve, Mike Holmgren, and MC Hammer.

Was it really hammer? Who was he? I couldn't wreck it because I am the park ranger at the end. Amazing. I was the park ranger. I was like, why is that park ranger overacting that much? Now I know. I'm the park ranger. 11 times in that nine second scene because that's all they gave the hammer to do apparently. Yeah. No, I missed it the first time too. I had to I was looking at the credits and I was like, Oh, it's that where he was. Real easy to miss. Okay. So the choir sits down here, the credits finish up. And the preacher steps up just to dare Eli to do an impression of him. He should have a lot of you know, you know, my house. And if you're thinking it's not racist because

it's accurate. Exactly. Well, but see, now that's the thing we were allowed to be racist. This movie was reverse racist. Obviously in these opening crowds, just they were looking for the three token white people. I wrote, oh, there's two white guys who go to this church. I would love to hear the story of how these two guys ended up at this church. Like they walk in the first and like, oh, this place looks nice. You got you got a, and you got a mountain, mountain. Yeah. And the preacher seems enthusiastic community. And I like to fuck black women. So my church now, like one of them is just in a haze undershirt. So clearly a gaffer.

His great to the camera was like clearly going to those people on purpose to like catch their incorrect reactions to black church stuff. They're clearly doing it all wrong. It was excellent. Yeah, doing the call backs on the wrong timing and whatnot. Oh, were we not still doing the goddess greater thing? I'm so sorry. I'm so.

Who's clapping like Steve Martin again? To reverse college brochure. And okay, so now it's time for the preacher to sit down. He does his little sermon and then Reggie steps up for a word. And that's great watching Reggie White Word is quite fun. And so he's telling this parable about Dave and Goliath. And as he's serming, we get this flashback to the suicide kit, right? So the camera goes back to like later

that night after he shot himself. Mm hmm. And I only bring that up because it brings up one of the most bizarre logistical moments in the entire fucking movie. And that would be when the guy walks down the alley, now holding the

suicide kit in his arm. Yeah. He's got way too much back of skull going on. I'm just saying, invest in some pig guts and stepped on chicklets. Come on, people. Yeah. How does this situation arise? There's a guy carrying just a random kid's dead body later.

You found a dead kid and picked him up. Yeah. Right. You took him. What did the cops call The cops call somebody's house like, all right, we found a corpse. Mom and dad just look each other. All right, I'll do it. I'll go pick him up. He went last time. You went last time. And he's clearly he's walking around with this like, you know, last week, it was a flaming bag of poop. And now this kind of look on his face. And he turns around and walks all the

way because so like this guy walked out, found a kid that had shot himself, picked him up and you know, fuck, we can't have him in this alley. He's going to start sticking out the place. I guess I got to leave him at the corner. It was what color trash bag is a dead black kid? A dead black kid, I said, Alan, well, I don't have any green ones. I'm not going down to City Hall to buy trash bags. Just stuff him in a black one and then in another black one, no, back, a black bag. You should have brought a bag. It would have been funnier though if he was like the guy carrying him having trouble

with like all the pieces of skull and he was just kind of like dropping stuff. And like bending over, he's like put it in his mouth a little bit. He hits his head against the side and his neck snaps. And he's like, I'm having the worst day. This kid is having much worse, but then me after this kid. So yeah, so now we cut to that kid's sad little funeral. What a loser. Three people came to this kid's funeral. And just a media family. And they're wearing blue suits. You really should get black, but also even

worse colorful ties like bright, loud, colorful ties, not solemn at all. Just don't wear a tie. If all you have is like light up dollar signs, just let it go with the tie. Deano keys. Um, and this is where we get the first of the moments in this movie where if it were parody, it would be the most brilliant parody of it. Every time the camera cuts to the tombstone, there is a like scary ghost noise. There is. Yes.

Throughout. So people will be like, my baby, my, oh, my baby. I have no idea what this choice was, but it is amazing. Is Bill Cosby coming? I still can't see. And then grandma gets a chair, which I don't know felt lazy to me stand up for once in your fucking life. Your grandkids shot himself in the face. You can't be a team player. Apparently not. Right. And then mom is just like, she's like, oh,

what are they? And he's like, it's not your fault. And I'm like, my it's kind of your fault. If your kid shoots themselves, it's at least some percentage. You're wrong. I don't agree with that. I just want to say that on the show. I want to get out there. That's how I feel. So now mom, in addition, puts what appears to be a stuffed white buffalo on his casket. This will come back. It is a sheep. This will come back in the most glorious way that you can possibly imagine that doesn't

involve fucking it. Do you think they did this so it wouldn't not make sense later? Do you think they think this tied together what we're going to tell you about a sheeplet? I think they do. Yeah, I think they did. Yeah, I think they did. So a funeral ends and then Reggie and the uncle guy, uh, bro hug and catch up on all times turns out that the uncle guy was going to go first round in the NFL draft and then bam, he was gone. And they are, we should point out way too chipper. They are

at a child's funeral. And he's like, my God, Reggie, how are you? I'm so glad to see you. This is the best day. I'm having the best day running into you. I got some blood on my shirt from Ernie. He did an open casket, and I just, I went to hug him for the last time, and he is just, that skull is just tissue paper at this point.

98% of it. Anyways, how are you? How are you? Big man. And so we have to learn that in this universe too, Reggie is also an NFL player that makes millions of dollars and everything, which makes it very odd that Bobby says, hey, if you ever wanted to quit that job and make 28 grand and a shitty pension that they're going to vote down eventually, uh, teaching history. Oh, you know, we could, we could do that too.

We're both successful. Yeah. If you'd ever like to stop being famous and come teach at the high school right before, what's your name comes to teach everyone? Taekwondo. We've, we've got an opening. Oh, and this is also where we introduced the, the other two brothers, so like the one, the younger brother Tyrone is the one that shot himself,

but he has two older brothers, Taylor and Tyler. Yes, Taylor and Tyler and Tyrone. And Tyrone and Tyrone was like, what should I name my kids? Taylor? Great. Tyrone. Tyrone. All right. Cut it out. What's the next one called tea? It's just the letter tea. I can love the letter T. And so we have to establish who these characters are too. And I love it too. Because basically, you know, like Bobby, the uncle character is just like, yeah, Taylor is a clean cut kid at a quarterback. Tyler is the troublesome kid who's bound for trouble. Tyrone shot himself in the face. He was the death of how we categorize him. You already know. Yeah. And so now we cut like a month ahead where Reggie is

having a nightmare. Sorry, real quick detail. Before we leave this funeral site, we see a gravestone of somebody that died when he was 43 years old, which it's pretty creepy because that's what happened to Reggie White Oh No And so now we cut to April 29th this movie really wants you to know the dates Reggie's like why wouldn't I be in OTA's Why wouldn't my character be in OTA's it will write it on the goddamn screen Reggie is April 29, OTA's have started. Anyway, so he has this nightmare. This is the first of a couple of dreams sequence is not the best one, but it's pretty fucking

good. Yep. And in it, every character in the movie is now dressed like a slave, an old timey slave singing swing low sweet chariot and doing a good job. Let's little well, given that they were doing. Oh, yeah, no, they're, it's very good. Uh, by the way, he kneels down by the grave and throughout this entire scene, I was so hoping the kid would pop his hand out of the grave and drag. He doesn't, it doesn't happen. It's pretty great, but he does not pop out of the dirt.

And in case you're wondering, you know, can Reggie White act? No, he cannot. No, they cannot. Like, there is no action that he can't fuck up. And we learned that in this dream sequence in such a spectacular way. Cause like he's like doing the like he's supposed to be on the ground, looking around at all the other graves, but he's looking at the same three places over and over again in a series and he's counting out loud. You know, one, two, three, look at the left, right, center, right, center. Oh, it's so amazing. You can practice it here.

Someone being like, cut, that's it. Well, we don't have any more shoot time today. It's fine. I bet a lot of the shoots for this movie ended on those words. You know what? It's fine. Well, just I don't give a shit. We'll use it.

And then he has a vision of the stuffed bunny, which turns into Tyrone, who shoots himself in the face again. In case you didn't get enough children shooting themselves in the face in the opening scene, we got to give you another one. Yeah. And then he does the straight up sitting up wake up thing Fuck you and he's got enormous red pajamas there Wonderful, the thing is about to summon a vulture demon

Wonder giant red moomo He then goes to the fridge and I wanted him to take like a cartoon ham out of the fridge and just like put his mouth and pull out the bone. Oh, Oh, but instead he drinks milk from the carton like a goddamn Visigaw. Oh, it's fucking gross.

Like I could hear the backwash. The backwash was more than the gulp. It was fucking gross. You're going to drink out of a thing. There's no reason not to drink out of the cart, and I'm tired of having this fight. Oh, you want to really, the glass can make that much difference? Yes. I've never shared a milk carton with people who I haven't spat in their mouth or some variation of it. So it doesn't even matter. Doesn't even matter. Well, with vegan milk, it's ballpark same thing.

Yeah, well, that's true. That's true. So, okay, so, so he, he goes to his fridge, it's late at night, he can't sleep. So he gets his, remember when that thing was a phone? No, you guys don't. That's the thing. I'm 41 now. so I do, but you guys don't. Oh, that transformer. Yeah, so he picks up an ice skate and he makes a phone call on it. It's the dumbest phone call. He's like, hello, Portland.

The city is the Portland city. Cool. Will you look up a name for me, Bobby Fess, maybe Robert. And like, there's no space in between anything. Nobody could possibly be talking on the other side. I wanted to hear the other side of it just to like see what it might be. Hello, Portland.

Yes. Uh, no, how about Robert? Yes. All right. The micromancy and sky flying. Yeah. And they're possibly fast. So yeah, so now we cut to him doing a press conference. Oh, they're so good.

First of all, this press conference, there are only like nine reporters, but they're all jammed in right next to each other. Giant studio space for some reason. It's so stupid. Why show us that? They zoom out and they show us the back. It's this enormous. Like, it's clearly somebody's garage. Like there's like ladder, a hose. They might as well be out on a football field with just everyone's chairs bunched up right at the front. So he's novelist brother in the background. So yeah, so he is announcing his unexpected retirement. And the crowd goes wild. And it's so funny too. Because like you said, there's like eight people, but there's 103 people's worth of noise when he says this. Oh, it's like the floor of the stock exchange. Yeah. So I'm trying to run and then nine people back.

It's so good. They go like, what is it? Is it an injury? Is it your contract? And he's like, no, everything's awesome. I could play for 12, maybe at 25 more years as a run into people. But I have decided to quit and be a head football coach. And they go like, Oh, like at a real team. And he's like, no, at North Portland Central High School. Yeah. At which point what is the reporters goes? Oh, Portland, Oregon, a Canadian franchise. What? What? You guys don't know how Canada works. Is that Mexican Portland? And actually the first question he gets is Reggie, are you going to take any questions? And I really thought that was going to confuse him. Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, saying like, let's, let's do a movie about if I was a better person than I am in real

really. This movie is why Donald Trump ran for president. It's like, oh, well, I'm good at A. So I'm probably also good at everything else, right? Well, if Reggie White wasn't good at football, this would be why Donald Trump. But yes, yeah, exactly. I mean, Reggie White wasn't that good at football. Let's be honest. He was pretty fucking good at football.

He was pretty terrible. He only had three touchdowns and four scootbacks. You did have pretty low scootback numbers. So yeah, he's like league average. So, and then he gives us like his from Birmingham to Bakersfield stump speech. It's like the, it's literally the, we've all learned here something here today moment of the movie down to the god damn piano music. Where you explain.

Yeah. No, relax. And now he has a quick conversation with his wife and I want to talk about his wife. Please specifically, I want to talk about our opinions of what race is wife. Okay. Great. Yeah. Thank you.

I have no idea. Google image this woman, and each picture is a different answer. Sometimes, I mean, she's very clearly an African American lady. Sometimes, she is also very clearly a white lady, but it is always the same human being. This is Reggie White's real wife, by the way. And this is unreal. You can watch her on like the view and it's hard because she has and she talks in a way that would make one, but she looks.

Yeah. I feel like some of her friends are black. I don't know what she is. I should not that there's anything wrong with that. I just like that. No, we're not saying there's anything wrong with it. Whatever she is. I just normally I'd have moved on way earlier than I'm having so much fun with you trying

to finish the sentence here. I just got to want a linger moment. I want you to Google image this woman and really ask yourself because it's not a big I just I wrote my notes. I feel like if I spend too much time guessing his wife's race, that will be a bad use of our time. But it's father like I thought about it other times in my week now. Like I've been riding on the train and I've been like, she's black, she's black. How it blunt? How would you describe her skin color, just as a color?

I like a camel, camel, a sway desk, school desk. I want to stay away from animals. Like, it's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, yeah, no, the desk thinks way less offensive. Yeah, no, exactly, exactly. So yeah, moving right along here. Now we cut to September, 3rd in Portland for the first teaching school day. Right. And he's wearing a Cosby sweater because we didn't know yet. I mean, we knew, but we didn't like, no, lots of people know it turns out, but like, we didn't know.

No, no. The sweater is rough. It's really rough. It looks like a chart for the winged things font, like a map of like what's what? And he is brought on his first day to comically tiny lunch boxes. Nothing else. It's fantastic. There will never be an explanation of why he has those tiny little again,

Reggie just showed up on set one day anyway. I'm a is a school. I should have lunch box and they went fine, Reggie. Why don't you have I have two because I'm big. Okay. Reggie, you have two lunch boxes. Your character. Sam is too. No, no, Reggie. Only two lunch boxes. I want one of the sun in each one. I want to see him slam down two thermoses at the same time. Just crush them in his hands and throw them at the wall. It's a smash them on his head. Yeah. Lunchbox full of Capri's sons, which he punctures with the straw, the lunch box itself. I call this the Caprice Petal. So this is also where we're going to meet Mr. Miyagi, who is the school principal and

dressed exactly like Peewee Herman. And we did know, we did know in 96 about Peewee. Yeah. And here's what's crazy. This movie is so insane that Mr. Miyagi playing the principal is an afterthought. Like I was getting ready for this and I was like, oh my God, there's so much. And he's like, don't forget about the sheep and don't forget about this. Don't forget about that.

Like I'm going through my notes to try and remember everything. And I was like, oh right. And don't forget to tell them that Mr. fucking Miyagi plays a karate action principal. Don't forget that Eli. That's a good one. That one's a karate principal. The danger of slipping your mind. Yeah, no shit.

Unfucking real. And he promises to protect Reggie White. Yeah, whatever. That's going to come back actually. Yeah. He promises I will protect you. No, whatever. That's going to come back, actually. Yeah. He promises, I will protect you. Whatever that means. Yeah, from idealism.

And there's really this, right? They got to go into it. Yeah, there's really this like, you know, Mr. Miyagi teach me the secret of grabbing that coin for your hand kind of a moment here where he's like, well, you're Asian, you should have wisdom, right? Yes. That's how the casting goes. Yeah.

They try to do this metaphor back and forth. And by the end of the movie, you realize that like this was an extensive metaphor that they really tried to weave throughout the entire film. But it fails so terribly because a. Riggy White doesn't speak English and the guy who plays Mr. Miyagi is doing this part sarcastically. So he's like, you don't want castles in the sky and he's like, you know the way to keep a castle in the sky, there's no way to keep a castle in the sky.

We love foundation. Then it would be on the grounds. Browns, grounds with pound, pee, pee, we harmonious how your dress say yes to the dress. Randy, Randy's the character played by his ease on sorry, sorry, the board game, which is based on pot cheesy French cheese is made in the town of RuPaul, RuPaul drag race season seven. The winner was Phoebe O'Hara. Mr O'Hara was the principal of Eli's kindergarten. I wasn't sure where you were trying to think, yeah, but I was having fun letting you try to go out there. Meanwhile, Eli was in kindergarten. That's a fun image. Meanwhile, Tyler is getting recruited by a sleazy photographer from the 1930s.

What is this? This is so clearly prostitution. Yeah, is this a teacher by the way? We're very, very, very, very, yeah. Yeah, I don't, so this is, he's looking, he sees this, right? He, like, Reggie White sees this. He's in a principal's office and sees a teacher. I don't, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a He's in a principal's office and sees a teacher. I don't.

A funny villain. A bug's funny gangster villain. Yeah. Doing a child sex trafficking. I'm bringing with the Southern draw in Portland, Oregon. Yeah. This is what's happening. Yeah. Look at for a little bit of work. Right. That means you want to fuck dudes for money. That's no other way to interpret that. But normally, that means, yeah, my monster.com account has been banned. Yeah. And by the way, if it seems like I just shifted gears from nowhere to nowhere, yeah, forgive me, but that's what the movie just did. But now he has to go to his classroom to teach his first class and wouldn't, you know, at everybody's having a big dance party. Uh, the 90s couldn't walk into a classroom without someone already putting on a full musical

performance for the first class. I wanted him so badly to just walk over and eat the radio just like. So, okay. So yeah, he has to turn off his, his, the boom box and everybody gets mad and it makes him sit down. He has to get tough. There's a boot teacher moment. And then we get him trying to reach the kids. His little monologue. Well, first he has to go straight to a football analogy that makes no fucking sense.

Oh, God, it's so wonderful. He, we realize immediately he only knows football words. So he's like, you're gonna tackle this class. You're gonna make the pass. You're gonna jump through the hoop. You're gonna score a touchdown. And they're like, right, but well, oh oh God, you don't know anything but football. Who do I.

And not a lot about football because you said hoop. There's no. That's it. I got a hoop. Also, I keep my capri thumbs. Don't tell me your lecture. Also, somebody explained this bit to me. So he hands his grade book out to one of the kids.

And he's like, just, I want you to write your final grade in here with a pen. So it's, here's what it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be, I inspire these kids. Here's my first day. You write in your grade. You tell me what grade you're going to get, but instead he goes, hey, you and she goes what? And he said, oh, the Ed Ruud response to the first time I have I spoke to you, put your grade in the book. And she's like, what, you're literally you're bad at English, the English language. Like what's your first language? Favol, right. What do you want from me? Tell me what grade you got. It's the beginning of the year. Happy birthday. All the quaint earth. Be ready. No, Reggie. I need a new lunchbox. That is exactly what the set looked like for this movie. Right. This is also where he says, and this is the most, I think probably the best line in any of the movies we've ever, ever watched.

Probably some of you don't feel worthy of an A. Probably some of you have never had anyone in your family that's gotten an A. Wow. Yes. You are some depressing, ass-looking people is what I'm trying to say. Your genetic material is not good. Very not good. And then glance. And then he tells them that everyone in prison flunked history.

And they are dismissed. If you pass history, you're immune from jail. I wrote my notes. I feel like that's not causal. I think that's corollary. And I don't think it's correct either. I'm sure someone in jail passed history class in high school. So, so, and also, okay, so we get the beginning of this class and then it just cuts immediately to the bell ringing because otherwise they would have had to have Reggie White try to teach his story. All right. Now, what's one of these is America?

Well, that's a book. Yeah. Are you going to eat that? No. Are you going to eat that? Believe it. I am a co-cat. So, yeah.

So after his first day of class, he's, he's feeling pretty good. Mr. Miyagi came in to watch, you know, to observe his first try at it. Also throws out this really depressing line where, you know, Reggie, he says, yeah, he seemed like good kids and he's like, yeah, they're all good kids until they stop trying. And then fuck him. Mr. Miyagi's a terrible principal. He's so, this is why we need a voucher system. Exactly. Ouch. That deep nihilistic way of running a school.

And meanwhile, Bob, you remember him? He's on the phone with Mama about her money problems in case your Christian bingo card was getting cold. And I should point out at this point, Reggie has millions of dollars. So the fact that he doesn't solve the money problems of the other characters by giving the money is very strange. Also it never goes into detail about what these money problems are, right? Is it just like this lady has a co-cabit, she gambles away her mic?

Like they never explain like there's not like a house that they're about to lose or anything. It's just a lady looking at her bills going fuck. That is just not going to add up, isn't it? Nor are they ever solved or a rest. No. Never again. Well, they're addressed. They motivate some characters later, but that's about it. Yeah. So yeah, but right as he's talking to to poor mama on the phone, Reggie shows up and hands him the playbook and he's like, what's this? It's a, it's a, you should know this, Reggie. You show know a lot of things just going

in. The best performance Reggie White gives in this movie is when a character hands him a book and he goes, what's this? And he's like, fine, the character doesn't know, just tell him it's a playbook. All right, how do we play? No, fuck Jesus. Take 85. Let's go. Aaron, stop trying to kill yourself. Stop it.

Seriously. To be very Reggie White's playbook in real life is probably just the quarterback with like a red circle and a line through it. Seriously. To be very Reggie white's playbook in real life is probably just the quarterback with like a red circle and a line through it. Right. Hit that guy. Yeah. And so this is also where he learns that the the previous coach, the coach that was the coach before him got fired because he got into a fist fight with another coach during a game. Like, yeah, glad to see he's gone. Anyway, but, but not before he led the team to like 12 state championships in a row. Yeah, which, let's be honest, there's no way they'd fire a guy over a fist fight if you want me to, but, but yeah, okay, in this world, they would yeah, two adults fighting each other. We let a guy fuck kids for all day. There's still

people from that school that are like, uh, have a failure. Linebacker you come on. So with all that pivotal exposition out of the way, we had to practice. And this is an amazing opening moment where all the kids are running out in a line and they're taking turns talking shit to their new coach. Who is a famous professional football player? Right. I don't know who any famous professional football players, but I imagine if you're a high

school football player and you find out that your new coach is who's someone playing football today. Uh, um, damn, Brady. He's got the same music. Him. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's even the one that hasn't retired. Yeah. There you go. If you find out that Eli Manning's a new coach, wouldn't you be like, oh, man, I'm such a big fan instead of being like, what you doing here? Loser. I hope you die,

asshole. Kill yourself. Also, I love that it's like every fourth kid has one line or something to say to him. I'm gonna. It's like, wait, wait, let's line up by shit talk. Oh, they definitely had a meeting about this and like spaced it out, got into fights. Like, no, I'm using that one. Your fourth, I'm eighth lineup. Right. Now, I actually don't know this. A lot of them appear to be wearing like weird cutoff tops. Is that a part of football where your belly's exposed? Yeah. That's pretty standard. Yeah, that is interesting. It is interesting. It's a really nice sexy subculture of football that I didn't know about.

Well, a lot of teenage belly buttons. Sexy for some people. Not everybody, whatever. So yeah, so he goes to addresses his team and they won't listen to him because this is the worst behaved championship football team you could imagine. So instead of like blowing us whistle or something like that, he starts doing push-ups to 80s glam rock. And they just start doing push-ups with him.

Why would you? I don't know why. I watched you see so many traps. If you see them. So stupid. People can't just do those over and over like that. It's so dumb. Yeah, okay, we'll do like 10 push-ups and we're all okay. Whatever.

It's just like weird hypnosis on the ticket. It's just alright. Doing push-ups and they can't stop because he hasn't stopped. I guess. It's like a magic spell. I wanted one of the kids to just be like, I can't stop. Oh no, I'm back in stop. Holy shit.

And then of course, like, even when all the other kids are worn out, he's still doing push-ups. And then all the kids are like, wow, that professional athlete sure is better at push-ups than us. I guess he's got a respect now. Yeah. You got to wonder if he did something else, what had it worked? Like if he just did the electric slide So it's playing a pipe. Yeah exactly now I know how to gain my nephews respect and apparently

Bring that was it for the for the practice. It was just a push-up practice because now we're heading back to the locker room We're again in his second of two interactions with children, he will be turning off a stereo. Right. That's what tough teachers do, I guess. Right. To give this speech, sports accomplishments don't matter. What? I'm Reggie White.

And I'm your football coach and I'm here to tell you sports don't matter. Well, championships don't and to be fair, when this movie was made, he had not won a championship at any level. Yeah, there was a lot of championships don't matter buried in the script. No, no, we'll say that again in this scene, Reggie. We'll make it very clear that great players sometimes don't win championships either. Two. Yeah. Yeah. Black the orgasm. It's not important. The real. Yeah, but he's angry with the team for being too focused on winning. So he

prides this one kid in the in the group that's like in an art class. And he's like, I want you to make us a shirt that says the ring ate the thing. Fucking insane. He goes, who's taking an art class? And one kid's like, I mean, I'm in an art class. And he's like, great, you're going to make all the t shirts. And he's like, that's not a part of art class. Be, I don't know how to do that.

All right. Everyone who doesn't buy a t shirt is cut from the team. Wait. Sorry. You just gave me a task I can't do and made participation in this sport based on everyone buying one from me. We can't do the rest of the movie. We need to change this.

And if you think that eventually it'll make sense why he did this, you haven't caught onto the rules of this movie yet. No, no, no. And just to review one more time, this millionaire NFL player can't buy like 50 shirts, 50 shirts. They got to sell like cookie dough and wrapping paper. He's also I love to. He's like, yeah, we'll decide who's going to be on the team on Monday. First games Friday, guys, I'm like, oh, wow, that's, that's close to now.

They feel like you guys have done his pushups. Practice. I think you choose the quarterback on who buys the most shirts. First play of the game, the quarterback just starts doing pushups after the snap. The whole other defense starts pushing up and then everyone stands and throws up until the entire human population is just ever doing push ups. Hellscape. Holy, he's not able to resist. So then we cut to granny and her trusting, trusty adding machine.

That's how all of these movies show that the bills are overdue is that there's an adding machine and someone shing over it. But apparently, Granny likes to hum Jesus songs while she does the bills. Well, she stops. She literally stops like mid-bred bill doing to just like full on sing herself a Jesus song just like, well, and, Jesus Lord, and Jesus Lord. And we can hear her son in the other room hearing her do that. And I wanted him so badly to run out. And for there just to be a scene where he was like, Grandma, shut the fuck up. No, I will shut the fuck up. I will fight you, grandma.

No, I can't just back to sleep. I can still hear you. And basically everyone in the house is asleep and she's just sitting up singing like, gee, I hope nobody wakes up. It offers to give me money because I sure am broke. But instead of telling her to shut the fuck up as you should have if this movie was as awesome as we wanted it to be, after singing how singing poor grandma is, Tyler decides to go find that 30s photographer and get him some of that crime money. Yeah. So cut immediately to the next day.

He's out dealing crimes and Mr. Miyagi, the principal comes up, but just in time not to catch him. Dealing the crimes. Yes, it's a two weird interaction, too. Mr. Miyagi's like, oh, yeah, I What about your suicide brother? Sorry about that. Um, all right. Have a good weekend. Oh, that's a weird thing that was in my file. Yeah It's like, oh, that's a weird thing that was in my file. Yeah. Jeff's just getting over that. Mr. Miyagi, thanks for bringing it up. Sorry, I got to let you go.

Oh, Allison, Allison, I hear your dad died last summer. Sorry about that. Bye-bye. See you Monday. Trying to tell everybody the worst thing that's ever happened to them before coming from the weekend. So then we get Tyler going to the drug crime house because he wants out. Very easy to find big arrows pointing to the door. It's really.

It's spray paint says layer. So just follow that. Oh, yeah. There are literally arrows spray. I know that not everyone watches the movies with us. And by the way, if you don't get pleased, do. Please, this is definitely one. Please watch it with it. But there are arrows spray painted to the door of the crime layer where all the drugs and illegal things are. And I have a pet theory that that is because Reggie kept missing the door. Just kept

walking outside of the studio and they'd be like, Oh, God, go get him. Come on. Reggie. Just everyone wandering around with flashlights. Reggie. Reggie. Brandon, like, cool eight man again, kind of hurt himself. He's really just spray paint because there's like a hole in the lights.

A door, Reggie, you just go right there. You guys just explained some flashlight, quite related questions I had about the end of this movie. Awesome. And also, can we talk about Tyler's motivation here? Okay, so what we're supposed to be getting here is Tyler has decided he can't be a drug dealer anymore. He wants out. So we're supposed to believe that he dealt drugs like that morning made his $43 and now wants to not crime anymore and grandma can go fuck herself with her bills. Right? Okay.

Interesting. Yeah, but the main bad guy who's face at this point is covered by a lamp. So I assume it was Chris Christie. I doesn't want to let him out. No. And fondles a gun. So everyone knows just how crimey he is. Well, not just doesn't just funnel a gun

Send him into the other room to get like shadow beaten up and then hands him a gun Like here. I just beat you up. Have a gun. What some more drugs better Here's why there's only two people in this crime syndicate because they keep handing people they've just beaten up guns in this crime syndicate because they keep handing people they've just beaten up guns. What happened to the hour? Oh, you didn't hear you got shot. Yeah, beat the shit out of a guy and game is gun and then the guy, pin me out, shot him with that gun. All right, well give Tyler his gun and get him out of here. Yeah. All right. Maybe we should do just like a straight line sales pitch lecture. I have a new idea. Why don't we give him the gun and then beat the shit out of him?

Yeah, but apparently that's like the sandwich artist pin subway or whatever. He sold enough drugs to earn his gun. And then they send him away. And now we have to go back to history class. So Reggie can say the history words. He knows tomorrow we'll be learning about a black slave. That's what this class is. I swear he had to memorize this sentence for a black history month PSA once and they were just like, we're not making him memorize another thing guys. We did

that once. He actually did get one piece of information relevant here. Yeah, his story. Northup. He's the 12 years of slave guy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and also in the class ends and he assigns the kids to read pages 25 through 75 before tomorrow. Stupid. Like, first of all, I don't think chapters stop at multiples of 25. Like they all just like cleanly and like that. I want to see them talking about page 75 the next day in the less than just ends mid sentence. So we're halfway through that sentence tomorrow, 75 to 125. Yeah, 50 pages seemed a little excessive. Yeah. And also, of course, what we're really supposed to learn here is that Tyler didn't make it to class today. And Reggie's worried about

him. And then he looks out the window and sees Tyler in the bathroom. Again, help me understand the logistics here. Because he sees some other window looks really worried and then runs downstairs, but goes into a bathroom to physically threaten a child to a cost a student. Yes. Uh huh. Yeah, who he lifts into the air and slams against the wall for missing his class. Yes. Like a good teacher does. Uh uh question about this scene. Um who was the random full grown white man with a beard, flossing in the mirror, who looks fearful children's bathroom. Oh, I have ear in my notes.

Go fuck yourself. That's who he is. Oh, got it. Okay. And we should point out this is not, this is not a case of like there was an odd looking gentleman in the background of this scene that was on explain like the camera several times does a close up on this guy flossing his teeth, right? This guy will never be explained. There will never be a reason why he exists in the film.

If he a teacher, maybe a competing drug dealer, a local dentist, who knows? We have this movie. Fucking clue. Yeah. So, but Reggie's busy beating up on this again. And he starts looking through his bag. There's another thing that you can legally do as a high school teacher, just start rooting through kids. Shit. And he finds the drugs and stuff and takes them to snort them or something and tells Tyler to go buy a t-shirt.

Now I should point out that the bag that has the drugs also had a gun in it. Right. But Reggie White, as we will learn several times throughout this movie, and this is my pet theory about this movie. Reggie White's character does not know what a gun is. He will react throughout this movie as though he does not know what it's done. I would explain a lot. Yeah. Not that much. A little bit. We'll get to it. I have a very strong, I have a large amount of evidence that Reggie White and his character don't know what guns are.

Plus, you go for us as the same problem, have the same problem. Yeah, he knows now. Also, this is where we get the great poop joke from Reggie comes out of the toilet and goes, no, then constipated before. It's not fun. And the kids like, you're, uh, okay. I wasn't curious what you were doing. I assumed you were taking a shit. I was timing you. It did take a while. So that was relevant. Thank you. And then we get the training montage. Mm hmm. Where he picks on the only white kid on his team.

He's like, what's your name? And he's like, Steve wool. And he's like, whoa, like a, like a sheet. Get it? Everybody laugh. Everybody laugh. And they're like, haha, haha. And he's like, yeah, Reggie has stand up comedian like

Sid Mad. And that's going to lead us straight to Reggie White apropos of nothing giving a let's all stand on the chair's speech in the lunchroom. Yeah, it is an entirely silent lunchroom. And he is among the kids, giving them a speech to tell them to wake up the winner inside them that's been inside them for the last hundred years. All of these 15 year old kids have a winner in what the fuck is he even. But yeah, it is the most banal like it's the you know, it's coach wisdom or whatever.

He's standing in the middle of this room giving giving coach wisdom. And I'm like, okay, most kids would shirtitiously feed you poop at this point. Like you would be definitely eating poop for the rest of your career as a teacher. But no, in this stupid movie, they're all like, yes, let us stand with him. Yeah, you see, you know, Ritchie White totally thought this was a dead poet society thing. And he's also, he's eating a hamburger. He's just like, and you all know, get him out of your chairs. And they're like, oh, Jesus, I'm on the movie. And he's like, no, no, no.

All right, 44, who had 44 in the pool? All right, you win. Everybody give you money to him. Yeah, no, I mean, again, I feel like the burger was a compromise. All right, you win. Everybody give you money to him. Yeah, no, I mean, again, I feel like the burger was a compromise. Like I feel like he walked in that then he's like, no, I feel like my, it's the lunchroom. So my guy would be eating lunch. Okay, fine. You can eat a goddamn hamburger for you peanut butter. No, it's going to be too slow. We did it once like you were so, it took 45 minutes.

That's because you didn't let me have enough Capri songs. I'm going to eat you like I ate the last director. What? Nothing. I want to pee the butter hamburger then. All right. I won't compromise. Not so much. Not so much. Just a terrified, well, just a terrified woman at craft services looking up at Reggie White. Mall. I'm fine. We'll be at craft services looking up at Reggie White. Mall. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah the kids are on the

kids are uninspeakably inspired by his lunchroom speech and then they all run off the class and he's still it's just him and pat marina sat stand there and he goes like i figured it out stone number two is heritage what all right there will eventually be that there are five stones in this movie, which he must find. But they don't set that up. This is the last of the five we will hear about until it's very. Yeah, it's over. Yeah, exactly. And also what the fuck does here? And you have to do with what he's talking about. It's everything.

It's absolutely everything. So now we cut to, okay, so we get this great little scene where Tyler is walking down the railroad tracks all depressed because he's the trouble kid with all the trouble. And he's brother walks up and he's like, Hey, this is kind of fun, right? And he's like, Yeah, except my father isn't beating me and my mom isn't on drugs. And he's like, your story top or Tyler, you know that? You are. And they literally have Tyler on the wrong side of the track.

Yeah. Yeah. The right side of the track is very subtle. Yeah, right. But yeah, Tyler says mean words to Taylor, but he's sorry because they're brothers. And he notices that he has a black eye, a black, blacker eye. A black, he's a bruise. He's got a bruise.

And then was it Taylor? I don't know which is fucking which one of them describes the other one how the quarterback option play works. But like in erotic slam poetry for me. I'm really glad you said that this was erotic because he's just like you feed a pump in your lungs a burden, but deep down inside you know, you know that they will never be another feeling like this again. You're just like, oh, all right. This porn is taking too long to start. Just fuck. Yeah, no, it's very much described as though phone sucks. And also that's Taylor explaining it. And then Tyler's watching him explaining

a like he's looking at porn too. He's like, really? And then the defense opens wide open wide over how I does lock us with that linebacker. You lock us with him. You never look. It's so weird. I would have been a football player in high school

if I knew that was what it was like. Yeah, right. Exactly. I got kicked off the football team for exactly that kind of behavior. in high school if I knew that was what it was like. Yeah, right? Right. Exactly. I got kicked off the football team for exactly that kind of behavior. Cups are an optional. Stop putting the crutch out of your pants. It's a whole I don't want to get into it.

And now it's time for another dream sequence because damn it, we've earned it. Oh God, here it is. It's here. It comes. I'm not ready. I'm not. I'm not ready. I've been thinking about this all day, actually, all day yesterday and all day to day. I've been thinking myself, how are we going to capture the magic of this scene from an audio medium only? I just go to like again, I know a lot of people don't want to watch the movies. I don't blame you.

They're terrible. For this movie, at the very least, go to about 44 minutes and watch the God damn dream sequence there. Oh, God. So he's back at the grave and he sees Tyler this time about to shoot himself. And then Tyler turns into a stuffed lamb and then Reggie White reaches down to pick it up. And when he stands back up, Reggie White is holding a full grown lamb, reaping. So with rain going in the civil shepherd Vaseline glow on the lens. And the sheep is so pissed.

She's so mad. Clearly doesn't want to be there. So he tried to put my cat in a bath. Yeah. It's like a drunk guy just grabbed a woman in like an alley and tried to hold her like a baby. And she's like, I'm going to let this go. Hopefully nothing bad.

But I would not, I would like to go somewhere else as soon as I can. Hey, creepy. Yeah. Okay. So before I can. Hey, creepy. Yeah. Okay. So before I watch this movie, Eli sent me this still. He just sent me a picture of this moment. And still, even with that, even knowing that when I got to this, I had to take like a three-minute break to cough and hack and wheeze and think to myself, I probably shouldn't smoke cigarettes

if I can't laugh without all of that happening. And then later that night, I heard Heath laughing upstairs, and I just ran to the stairs. And I'm like, you just got to the sheep seen, didn't you? And he did. It's everything. It was, it was an amazing, it was my favorite moment in the history of Christian film. Yes. It's now the background on my, uh, I don't know. Reggie White holding a sheep. So Reggie White says down the sheep and also by the, by the, what time he lets go of that sheep, it is fucking run and it's like, yeah, you, you don't fuck that sheep at least once.

Um, but then he wakes up and he doesn't do the sitting straight up thingy. So, you know, good, good for him that time. And then we cut the Tyler sneaking out late at night to go back to the crime house with the crime. And Reggie follows him stealthily, which again, like as it just movie hadn't already given us so much, the image of Reggie White doing his version of stealthy behind a teenage child is everything, just like knocking over trash cans filled with smaller trash cans filled with smaller trash cans. Yeah, for those of you who aren't aware, Reggie White is about six foot 10, about 903 pounds. The guy's enormous.

And he's just sneaking along in the shadows. Unlike tiptoes, an inch behind his guy, his xylophone music. It's so ridiculous. He turns left to look over his shoulder. Reggie swings right. Yeah, no, it's about that close. And now we cut to the run, to the voluntary run. So so Reggie's told his whole team, if they want to like do this voluntary run thing

they can and they don't have to. So it's to see who's truly committed to the team and see who shows up. And it's pretty much all of them, I guess. And that is it. Well, for like two and a half minutes, like we are going to want like are they all fallen behind them like some like military procession or whatever. And then we watched them jog for like seriously two and a half minutes to sexy sex music. And it was pretty sexy. Sexy sacks music to the image of Heath trying to catch your train in London. I did. I thought I was running very erratically. Absolutely. I tried to catch a very last train three seconds before it pulled out.

And a lot of bags in my head right. I had just one earlier. A lot of bags. I had a jacket. They all jog together like champions. And yes, like Reggie White is right with capable of jogging about the same speed that I walk. Right. Also in the scene right before they start doing the running, they do that weird. They start yelling the word commitment at each other and getting awkwardly closer and put like Reggie White yells commitment and they all take like three steps forward and yell commitment and then do it again. And they're like writing his face by the end of it. It's really weird. It's like stop. Don't say that again or we

have to fuck. I thought they were all going to exchange promise rings. But they do the little call and response thing. You guys never respond like this when I yell commitment like that. We don't know. You never call back like that. You never get closer to me. We never put our faces downstairs. Look at my but hole commitment.

Look at my but hole commitment. So now Reggie's in the locker room before the big game and Bobby, his assistant coach comes to get him. But first they have to talk about how happy Reggie is to be here as part of the team in a high school football coach now. And he is desperately trying to read this clipboard. They have hand him. It is brilliant.

They hand him this keyboard and he's like, uh-huh. So this is the menu. You did General Salas chicken. No. Do you see me that works. Um, yeah. Well, and he asks Bobby at this point, like, Bobby, why didn't you take the job as head coach of this high school football team? And Bobby said, I'm afraid of failing. I'm like, you are the saddest character we've ever fucking seen. But that's what I was sensing about his characters.

This is a good scene. I get why they have it in here. Bob is afraid of failure tied him right together. Yeah. Exactly. How many compliments can we give, Red shoe white this movie? Yeah, right. Right.

Yeah. Well, this is also where he's like a champion is never afraid of failure and a failure also isn't afraid to be a champion. I'm not I'm scared. It's just that I'm not on a good enough team at this point. Yeah, I was on the Eagles for a long time. But before they can get to the game, he has to get stopped by the janitors. Oh He has to get stopped by the janitors. Oh, God, this is amazing. Great. This is the game you'll ever. The janitors are Mike Holmgren and Brett Favre, fantastic.

And Holmgren would, well, janitor, whatever, invented a play called the left coast special that the old coach wouldn't use. Yeah. Right. So he has to give it to the new coach now. But it turns out to just be a normal play. Like he looks at it and he's like, this is already a play and they're like, oh God, 25 years, 25 years from away, man.

Shoot some stuff in the mouth. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of your mom's fault. Yeah. I mean, the play is literally the quarterback option. That's the play, which is not a West Coast offense thing. No, no timing kind of a thing. No, nothing at all. But the amazing thing here, okay.

So home grin is clearly the real thespian of the group. He can handle like whole sentences at once. But then Brett Farr's contribution to this conversation is he standing in a closet off by himself so he doesn't have to be on camera with anyone else. And he'll say one word, you know, like like homegirls say something and I'll say, yeah, the other coach was busy and then I'll cut Brett Farr and I go busy. Yeah. Now, and there's the culture so fucking tight because he cannot speak on get it's like bit. Yes.

No. I would just love nothing more than to spend a day watching his lines get whittled down to nothing but busy. You know, you know, the parts they're cutting out is just like they pan over and he's taking a dick pick and they're

like, all right. He's right after you said busy. Can't you just wait? You could have snuck that in at any time. You're like, you're gonna play to send you. You're gonna play to send you. Yeah. Now that's the last we're gonna see a bret far from this movie, but don't worry.

We'll have an opportunity to come back to this moment before it's all over. They should have had him like throw his janitor keys and they get intercepted somehow. And a kid just runs it all the way back down the hall. Like that would have been funny. No, goes to clean up for the rival high school next door. Yeah, exactly. He has the all time record for pick six. Yeah, he'll keep that one. He'll keep that one forever. And since they couldn't afford to reenact football in this football movie, we now cut straight to after the game. The game that we've been setting up for this whole movie is over now. Yes, yes it is. So Taylor, the quarterback, the older brother, is going to get the game ball for being one of the three named characters on the team.

It was, I mean, it's him or a haystack, right? And he's like, I just want to give this ball to my man, someone who's been through so much my brother Tyler. And he goes to give it to Tyler. And one of his teammates intercepts it and like won't give it to him. And it just, it seems like a weird time to bully someone. I see. Did you be in a real dick?

So they start fighting over the ball. Now Tyler has this bag that he's holding. And that's the bag that the bad guys put the gun in that they gave him after they beat him up. And you know what happens when you shake a gun? Black people get shot. It gets caught loaded and fires. What happened? Now, here's the thing, if everyone has a loaded gun in their bag cocked, this kind of stuff never happens. Make it safe. Gun policy.

Oh, we get emails. We sometimes we're telling it was He's strong stance. So now as they're wrestling over the ball, of course, the gun goes off and Taylor, the good older brother with all the great dreams gets shot and Tyler runs away. I love this movie. You get shot in the nothing though. Right. He's his body laying there. He passed out because the noise. Yeah. He faded away. I get a tailor. All right. Well, obviously that's a lot of after-school specials and taking all at once. So we're going to pause for a weller and break. But first, let me give a act through the hard sell here. Will we ever see a single play of football in this football movie? Will the outtake reel at the end reveal that this was asking way too much a Brett Favre?

Did my life peak at the Lambs scene? Yes, on all counts, but this movie has plenty of crazy left to dull out. So stick around for the action intended conclusion of Reggie's prayer. Sneat. Sneat. Sneat. Tit. Tell.

Tit. Tell. Ha, ha. Off sides, Mr. Knox and the penalty. Sneat, sneak, sneak, tip, toe, tip, toe, ha ha, off sides, Mr. Knox, and the penalty is death. Yeah, okay, wait, though. What? No, just let me move.

We're both holding guns to either side of his head, and, you know, if we fire, we're gonna shoot each other. Oh, oh, no, you're right. We wouldn't. Yeah. Yeah. What do I do? You just stay there? Do I move to you when you put your gun down, do I get on your side? What? No, of course not. No, he's got

a point. You're still pointing your gun at me if I put my gun down. Oh, oh, yeah. No, I see. Yeah. Okay. So, okay. Yeah. Okay. You give Reggie your gun, right? Okay, got it. This is nice. And now I'll point my gun at the top of his head and he points yours up from below the Perfect. No, no, no, no, then you'll you shoot your hand. Oh, oh, okay. How this you give me both guns I shoot myself from either side of my head, but you gentlemen stand at the front and the back Um, no, no, that should work. That works for me. That's perfect. All right. You had greatness inside you for a hundred years He's not gonna shoot himself on the other side now. We didn't think this through at all I'm not going to shoot himself on the other side now. We didn't think this through at all.

And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, Tyler shot Taylor and Reggie did not approve and we're going to rejoin the action at a hospital where Taylor is recovering. And the doctors like, well, we've got a pretty serious and grandma's like, is he going to live? And I want to be like, rude, I'm talking. I'll give it to if he's going gonna live at the end of my sentence, which I would finish if he would stop interrupting.

Now, where was I? And maybe you might live. You got shot in the fucking spine. So it's not great. I don't know. Well, I love to. She's like, will he live? And he's like, yeah, 50, 50 flip of coins.

She's like, will he ever walk again? I just told you, I don't know if he's gonna live. If he's not gonna live, he's not gonna walk and not live. If he's gonna walk again, let me ask you a question. Are you a Christian? I'm a doctor. That's... So then we cut over to the cops at the high school questioning coach Reggie and he's being absurdly

combative with them. They're like, hey, how's the kid doing? Like anyone see you shot him? I don't know. It was an accident. That was, what? Not the question. We're police officers. You need to set answer like normally, not. And he's like, okay, it was his brother. Yeah, I mean, Reggie knows that cops are supposed to be real strict on the shootings in high schools, right? Even the accidental ones. Again, I don't think Reggie knows what a gun is, which is why he's being right. If he's being super, it's like who shot him And he's like, yeah, shot. It's like a shot.

It's like a shot. Braid. You just grab what shooting is and I'll see if you're right. That's some testing you. Yeah. So he tells him who shot him. And then we get Taylor waking up in the hospital. He survived the surgery, hooray for Taylor.

And meanwhile, the lead for the Scorpion King burlesque show is clicking his gun. Right. So help me understand this. Tyler shoots his brother and he's like, who do I go to? I guess the criminal who beat me up last time went to them for help. I guess this is big show, by the way, the criminal drug kingpin guy. Big show, the not yet, I guess, did he, he wasn't a big famous wrestler yet? This was like 96. I still don't know who the fuck he is, but yes, this was like 96.

Yeah. And he's pissed because Tyler's brought too much attention to his crime business. And he's pissed because Tyler's brought too much attention to his crime business. So they're going to kill Tyler so that there'll be less attention. I don't know if I get his plan. It's why always murder people who tweet at me so that he keeps the negative attention away. Yeah. There you go. So he tells like the Samini Sam character to go take him somewhere in the van and kill him.

But first he has to look into his suitcase and cackle. Right. He goes like, he goes like, he's a soul in there. He goes like, hey, baby, like, like a pet isn't there. I guess like a puppy or a red panda wrestling a pumpkin and a tuxedo on a tiny piano. That's like what's that's the emotion here that would and that would not be the weirdest thing that happened to this movie. Yeah.

So so they're all at the hospital. You know, Taylor's woken up and now Reggie's got to go find Tyler, but Bobby has to stay here at the hospital because he's going to call in the favor from Mr. Miyagi who told him he would protect him and act one. Which is so stupid. It was so vague. Like, I wouldn't have been spirited be like, okay, it was like, this is like one of those things you say, it was like your first day. I meant, like, I'll help you out.

Like if you need help with your lesson plans, not I'll break a drug crime. Yeah. But Mr. Miyagi's like a promise is a promise. Yeah. I guess Reggie starts singing like Whitney Houston. All right. Fine. I'm cost near your wedding.

I get it. I wrote my notes. If Mr. Miyagi karate fights alongside Reggie White, all in this movie is forgiven. And in fact, that is what we're doing. That's forgiven. Yeah. Yes. It couldn't be better. All right. So Reggie and Mr. Miyagi sneak back into the drug room. We kind of spoiled the scene. Shoot with what we just said. Get ready. Yeah. Cause he's such a good sneaker. They sneak in again. And this is where we go. We see the suitcase. Okay, the suitcase, the mysterious suitcase they introduced one scene ago. Now we're going to reveal that it has

a child's train set in it that he was treating like a puppy. This is insane. What happened when he was like scratching the train under the chin? What the fuck? What's happening? He was like scratching the train under the chin. What the fuck? So weird. And if you're waiting for them to explain this, apparently you got to wait for the sequel. Yeah.

Because we'll never come back. There is no reason why he has a train set. He's putting money under the train set. So it's a train set and money. Yeah. Is that like a security feature? Is that cables? Break into the briefcase and then get distracted by the train.

It's just me too. I don't mind the money. I don't know if I'm good. I'm an engineer. This must be the train set briefcase. The money briefcase must be somewhere else. So the bad guys are brought in what to do with Tyler. Tyler, by the way, is tied up in

the back in a chair, but backwards. Yeah. Like he's trying to reach kids TV special. I just see big show game in there. He's like, dude, you fucked it up. I mean, look, look what you, I mean, no, don't undo it. Now he's already tied up, but this is, look how stupid this is. If he leans back, yeah. So, but

they've decided to make his death look like a suicide, you know, they're like, uh, self-inflicted gunshot wound. It runs in the family. Is that like a cover? Like a police are going to be like, all right, well, this looks like a very clear murder. However, his dad is Bill Cosby. So probably raped himself to death. It runs in the family. It is. Yeah. And it's contagious. No, no, my mom, my mom's fault. And meanwhile, so they've got Tyler. Now he's tied up. He's out of the chair. He's now sitting next to a van where they are loading bags of cocaine that look like you'd use them if the damn broke. Yeah,

they've got like some meant bags full of dope game. I guess I wanted so badly here for Reggie to lower from the ceiling and snap his neck. Well, he could do. Um, he's red, white, but he almost does. Like, we're not that far off of it. Because, okay, so Pat Maria and Reggie have snuck in. And now Reggie pulls the old, throw something and make the metal gear bad guy follow the noise track. Exactly.

I wrote he's going to distract him like a metal gear solid guard. He does. The noise from the distraction throw is fantastic. It's like, a blink blink, distraction blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, then throw another small piece of metal that does the same things. Well, he does it twice. He actually does like extend to this.

And while he's distracted looking around for the metal clinky noise, Mr. Miyagi sneaks up and tells Tyler to get under the tarp in the cocaine van. Now I've got to point out, yeah, first of all, why? Yeah, absolutely. Where's the best place to hide? How about the van where they're going to take me and murder me? Yeah, that sounds like a story. They were trying to get you in there to begin with, but also we have a apparently this characters vision is based on sound. So like they open the van, a man sneaks under a tarp, not quietly. And then they close the van, but he's still following clink, did he clink, clink?

No, someone dropped a penny somewhere. It's still rolling. It's up on the edge. I can tell it's up on the edge. I can tell it's up on the edge. She could be a quarter. It could be hell's hails. We don't even know yet. Now we get to the moment that we alluded to in the interstitials here. This is so amazing. So Reggie is sneaking away and all of a sudden the guy shows up and holds a gun to the side of his head. And at the same time, another guy shows up and holds a gun to the side of his head. And at the same time, another guy shows up

and holds a gun to the other side of his head, which Reggie is totally unbothered by because he doesn't know what guns are. That metal looks awful, heavy. Also another great football reference here. He goes off sides, Reggie. That makes no sense. How does this relate to being off sides? I wanted Reggie to start like pointing at Big Show and being like, false star. I was drawn. He was drawn. Come on, motherfucker.

Challenge it, coach. Yeah, so just as you're hoping that they're going to both shoot each other through, and honestly, like if that's how the movie had ended, if both of these characters had shot Reggie in the head and shot themselves through his head, that would make this the single greatest film. I wanted the reservoir dogs ending so bad. Everybody fire. We're all dead.

But instead the one of the bad guys wanders off to go do something and the other bad guy, that's the main guy, that's big show. He's left there with Reggie who pushes his gun up very slowly, very slowly, and then punches him in the gut, very slowly, very slowly, and then runs away, even slower. Even David A.R. White would roll his eyes at this choreography. The whole scene's underwater, but you can't tell it's crazy. Now we need, okay, if I can have a Capri Sun, I want all the five choreography and flow motion. I wanted to be in a Capri Sun. Rest of the movie takes place in a Capri, no, they'll get it. They'll get it. Yeah. So meanwhile, the other bad guy,

the guy who is being distracted by the nails being thrown is still wandering. Now he's looking for Tyler at this point, but he's still sneaking around. Who is he sneaking from? He's the bad guy. This is his high. Everyone has forgotten whose side they're on and who they're chasing and how good it works. And then Mr. Miyagi opens a door in him like a cartoon character like paying. Whoa. I want to his face to be like in the shape of a door when he put the bag. So then the main bag I catch his back up with Reggie because pushing your fist slowly into someone's belly is not fatal. It turns out and and beats the shit out of him.

Well, first we have to get the monologue moment and I only have to bring this up because they circle each other for, I don't know, nine years. We're going to dance and I would love more than anything of the world if they actually danced. They were dancing though. I mean, honestly, I wanted so bad for like, for like, Reggie to just stop walking around and I'm going like, we were doing a thing, man.

Like, I, I, I, I, now it's gonna look stupid. No, I'm just like super dizzy. I'm pretty much like like five minutes. We were in circles. You runs into the side of Reggie White. That's okay. So he puts his gun away because go fuck yourself. Because Reggie doesn't know what that was and that wouldn't be fake.

Right. Yeah. Reggie White unbuttoned his shirt through, he'll feel a bright pink tank top. A white theater, yes. Why did you choose a bright pink tank top a white feeder. Yes. Why did you choose a bright pink? Why, but I put it in the wash with it. You know what? Doesn't matter.

I put it in with my pajamas, but it's okay. Yeah. And then the bad guy whips the living, fuck out of Reggie. And he kicks the shit out of him. And then he hits matches a piece of water across those back. There's not even back and forth. He's just like, fuck you. And if you're wondering about the choreography, right? So, uh, uh,

Merism a cool came over hung out the other day and she was showing me some like wrestling moves, like how they like do the on the spot choreography. That was more convincing. Like her demonstrating these moves to me was more convincing than the final take on this fight scene. Far more. Yeah, absolutely. Like honestly, I'm surprised a ref didn't show up for no reason in this fight. Just to look away.

Well, big show hit. Reggie of the care. Well, he's unconscious too. I wanted so bad from having another lamb dream and then get up with lamb powers and stuff. But we didn't get that. I wanted so bad from having another lamb dream and then get up with lamb powers and stuff. But the lamb gets up wearing Reggie's clothes and then just beats the shit out of big show. Crazy billionaire money people. I mean, honestly, fight scene between big show and a lamb happened. And then the lamb carries out big show.

Honestly, the lamb was the star of this show in the same way that fat camel and hellbound kangaroo were the stars of their movie. The three of them are going to get a movie on their own someday. We're going to have that billionaire money. Oh, yeah. So meanwhile, the other bad guy is still sneak walking around to find Mr. Miyagi. But luckily, Mr. Miyagi is a much better fighter. So he just gently takes his gun away. And it knocks him out by hitting him in the back of the shoulder.

What? Yeah. Now, now, main bad guy who still isn't named by the way, this character still does not have a goddamn name. who still isn't named by the way, this character still does not have a goddamn name. Um, jumps in the van and drives off. And through the front door of the building, he does his van through the front door of his building. There's nobody chasing. There's no reason this. He just smashes through his own building. And there's a cop waiting just outside for some reason.

I don't know why the cop had not gone into the building. I feel like if the cop was called, they could take care of this. He just radios somebody and I'm convinced there was an outtake where the guy who radios, he's like, this plot is stupid over. I'm not firing up the lights for this. But the best part is the two seconds right before the end of this scene where they run outside after him and he goes, okay, let's let the police handle it from here. And I'm like, oh, from here, from here, from here. They just now remembered about police being a thing. Wow. Mr. Miyagi did, but Reggie didn't apparently down to the garage door is broken. I think it's time to get the authorities involved. Okay. So now let's talk logistics again. He went into that building

at night. Big show drove out of it during the day. So now it's the next day. Reggie is going to chase this van down on foot. Yes. Is that what? Okay. And he comes across it at a dock. It took him a while. Yeah. It was a lot of the day. That's really that's going Is that what okay and he comes across it at a doc? Mm-hmm. It took him a while. Yeah, it looked like a day up here. That's gonna take you a day. Yeah, because it's gonna be night, very soon. There he goes, anywhere.

So you have to walk around anywhere. Yes, he goes all the places. You have to find it. Yeah, you got to do a lot of looking. Yeah, the smell, Tyler's shirt, and then like. Oh. So he comes across the van at this doc and he's like, oh, they must have taken a boat to the place where boats go because it's just the one place.

It's like in the original Zelda when you go off the dock, you just go straight on your fucking raft. Apparently. So he has to steal a boat and also a park ranger, not just the guy whose boat it is to drive the way he also steals a park ranger. That will be MC Hammer. That would be MC Hammer, correct. I really wanted him to use his pants as a sale.

Oh, I was a fan of the hammer pants. I got you, Reggie. Spinnaker. So we go from there now, Aaron Ross. I'm hammer hanging upside down, do it ahead. He keeps trying to turn the silly. He's like, stop touching me. So so now we've got to go back to our bad guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Who is a chopping wood with with Tyler still tied up. Now I have no fucking clue what's supposed to be happening, right? Okay, so he kidnapped this kid and he's taking him camping. Yeah, you take him camping. I wanted a montage of him teaching him to tie knots and like star fire. So yeah, so you know, you kidnapped someone before you kill him for your big drop, drug drop off. The big drug drop in the woods, miles away from the wood.

The wood, yeah. And actually Reggie knows where the wood is. That's how he's eventually going to find that's why he's going to know what they are. That's why he's on the way. And then he threatens the kid with the knife in this scene. He's like, oh, you'll see prices will be slashed. What? And I wanted him just to keep going like you'll have the time of your knife. I got it.

You're going to stab me. No, absolutely. Listen to some David Bowie. It's all right. Come on. Butterflies are nice. So yeah, so and then he's like, and then he throws in this bizarre like, well, you'll have plenty of time to settle in. I've got a chopper to catch in three hours. What I and then and then you're going to kill him. He says, he says,

eat up. I've got a chopper to catch through. How is that related? What is that? Why would you tell him that? Why does he have to eat? What are the matters? My favorite number is seven. My birthday's on the 24. I'm going to murder you. There will not be snacks on the chopper. You need to know that.

It's just like a quick, it's just a quick thing. We don't have service. They might get you like peanuts, but they'll be really small. So now it's night time again. Three hours later. Jeff P before we go on a chopper, you should be. All right, so again, let's just examine this week they've had. It was night when they went in.

It was day when they came out. Now it's night again. So in it was day when they came out now it's night again. So apparently big show and Tyler I've spent 14 hours hanging out in the woods together here. And I guess I guess that's how long it took Reggie to canvas all the woods so we could figure out which one this guy was in. Right. But at this point, okay, this seems like a super easy rescue. The bad guy is asleep in a tent. You outnumber him for the one and you're conscious. So in that situation, what would you do first?

I would set some traps. I don't want to spoil it, but that's what I would do. I'd have that ready ahead of time. Oh, yes. Like traps that could hurt a person or just... Noia to buy bonk. That's the one. So for some reason, by the way, they still haven't gotten the cops involved. It's been a full fucking day, but they sneak up after setting some traps and they untie Tyler.

Now he says there's a there's a cabin across the next rise. Go to it. It's just like, why don't we all go to the main bad guy? Is to sleep in that tent now. So we could all just leave. But no, Reggie has to stay back to, he's like, I set up a lot of traps. I don't want to do that for nothing. There's a big X, you know, if he doesn't set them off, it's going to be some deer or something

that walks by and gets hit with this. So. So, so they run through the woods and the bad guy it wakes up and starts to chase them. And as he's chasing those pauses to rip a tree out of the ground and throw it. Well, he rips it out like he's about to hit somebody with it and he's like, damn, no one tree size here to hit. And then it feels like every clip in this movie is slightly out of order. If you had it or shuffled it a little bit, just like what then, none of it makes sense.

Yeah. And this is where he sets off the trap. It's just a tiny piece of work. It's just a bridge and it comes down so gently and like hits him in the chest and he's like, It's so small. That was inconvenient. Drumstick on a string.

And it's like, oh, that hit me in a chest. Oh, tag, I'm it. I guess. I just wrote all of me in a chest. Tag, I'm it. I guess I just wrote all of this in my notes. This is bad. Good. Thanks killing. You see this. Good.

This is how it's done, folks. So now they're going to fight again. He's going to the high school football coach is is gonna strangle the drug dealer to death in the woods. I can't, I can't deal with this so they, they, they, they do two moves back and forth. And then the bad guy says, Syregi, that's a nice one. He compliments him. He does.

He compliments him. I wouldn't be like, hey, thanks, man. Any notes? He's like, no, seriously, you did great. So he's, no, I'm open. Any feedback. He got it all. He's like him with. I want him to be like, hey, thanks man. Any notes, he's like, no, seriously, you did great. So he's, no, I'm open. Any feedback you got at all. He's like, great. Well, close your, just straight your wrist.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. And by the way, when he's not complimenting his opponent, he's making badger noises. That's half of his light. It just says in brackets, badger noise. Also, we get this amazing pop-eye style upper cut during this fight. Like winds his hand up a couple of times.

Oh, so yeah, he like knocks Reggie down and he's going to walk away and then Reggie, like turns around and he's like, oh, where are you going, Bertoli? Bertoli? Bertola. Okay. He had a name. Oh, I had to look that up. I, okay, he had a name. That's his name. Oh, I had to look that up. I didn't know. Okay. They say it once Bertola. Yeah.

You see, it's forked down and he gives a seriously minute and a half long speech. Like, you're forked down and you got one yard to go. But what you don't realize is that I am the gun a time to fight. Three to one fight time punch it punch. And the football analogy again, it makes no sense at all. You said you said it right. It's four than one five seconds left of the game scoring you in, but there's one problem. I run to my side, which is he meant to say, he meant to say, you got to run to my side. I'm pretty sure, which also doesn't make sense because you never have to run to one side.

You never even have to run. In fact, everybody would run away from Reggie White at the peak of his career or throw a pass. Yeah. There's several options here. Or run the option, but only the option to not that side. If only there was a janitor here. Yeah.

But now the important thing is that now he can kick some ass because he's been empowered by football analogies. So he Indiana Jones punches the bad guy a couple of times. And then the bad guy becomes unconscious. Yes. This is such an amazing fucking Murphy. I just I just want to add one more detail to this. The reason big show woke up at the very beginning of the scene from his snoring slumber in

the tent is because they kicked over a stove top espresso pot that he brought with him. Like a high end fancy espresso pot that he brought out on this wilderness kidnapping and even mind like he was running from the good guys when he got in this van. So he was like running away from Reggie's like, fuck, I am going to want espresso. He definitely ran back for it. I'm going to get on the chopper after that. And then we're going to be up.

No, these are the wrong filters, dammit. No, I need the conical grinder. What am I? A fucking animal. All right, let's just stop a craton barrel. What am I a fucking animal? All right, let's just stop a Crater Barrel. We'll grab a few things. Let's go, Ray. Jay, you got tied up and he wandered and Crater Barrel. Ooh, DVD candles.

Ooh, what about the crusette? I feel like a board. Make noises board. If you're bored, you can go. And Tyler's like, no, no, I'm not bored. Well, I'm enjoying this. We'll go ahead and join this. Let's get a set though, because if you get a more one by one individually, it's a lot more expected.

But if we get set with like, we'll get two different size of skillet. No. Thanks for being so knife to me. So then we cut. I could do the rest of our show about this movie. I've left so much out about this movie. Every episode of our show do the rest of our show about this movie. I've left so much out about this movie every episode of our show for the rest of every. Really.

You just do a frame by frame breakdown for the rest of time. Um, all right. So now. Okay. So now we cut to the news where everyone's wondering where Reggie is because he's been missing for six days Six days why is he been Eli? Why is The character have been missing for six days. Oh because he's been camping with Tyler instead of telling people where he is What is we have apparently big show who is tied up? I Yes, we have apparently big show who is tied up. I get her six days. What?

They will never explain why it's been six days. Yeah, apparently they just decided to hang there. Like it's pretty nice out here. So he decided to hang out with a 16 year old kid wanted for manslaughter and the drug lord and a fucking van full of cocaine. Who they've tied up for six days. I feel like they're more guilty of crimes than the drug drug lord and a fucking van full of cocaine who they've tied up for six days. I feel like they're more guilty of crimes than the drug king. But this point, yeah.

But but this exists apparently so that they could, oh, by the way, did you notice I believe the newscaster? If I'm not mistaken, did you, did you catch, I believe that was Gail Sayers? Um, yeah, I know Gail Sayers was in this movie and they just have him listed as Gail Sayers. No, no characters. I'm pretty sure that's where he was. So this, this scene exists so that we can have Reggie and Tyler sitting by the river talking about how Tyler thinks he should kill himself just like his little brother did. But Reggie has some David and Goliath based wisdom for him to cure his suicide. Yep.

And this is where he tries to skip stones. Wait, was he trying to skip them? I don't know. He's trying. He's this is where now is where they decide to tell us about the five stone thing that they've been alluding to backwards. So this movie was doing call forwards. Exactly. backwards. So he was doing call forwards. So he starts picking up stones to represent

five stones and just throwing him into the water. Oh, I could want, I hope he was trying to skip stones. I can watch it be that for a while. It certainly seemed that way. Like that. He kept throwing. I mean, he's like point, fuck, how come they don't, when you do it, they, they, you go downward with them. You want like a flat stone. You want to just grabs a boulder and dives into the water. You like what? That's right. So now six days later, I guess we get back to like they they're arresting our in raw. I mean, big show. And the park ranger this is, this is MC Hammer's big moment, biggest thing he's done since 1991. He's tried to do the comic relief because now he gets to arrest the big bad drug dealer, but his comic relief over this is just him saying park

ranger over and over again, as they walk up this deck. Yeah. It's like park ranger, park ranger, park ranger, park ranger, ranger, ranger, ranger. I want your experience Eli where you had no idea this was MC Hammer and this was just the guy they got to play the park I was just like this guy really wants to get his money's worth out of this Look man, you could say as much as you want from here to there make the park Is that so let's stop for a second. I think it's time for The park ranger. The park ranger. Oh, is that so let's stop for a second. I think it's time for the park ranger song. Park ranger.

Park ranger. Park ranger. Yeah. Yeah. So it's time for Tyler and Reggie to leave. Now again, let's talk logistics here because they're going to start driving away. They read the newspaper that Taylor pulled through. It would be nice of them to stop at a pay phone at this point.

Maybe call grandma. Let them know that Tyler's not dead, but they don't. But they're, they're, they're sitting there talking about how like, hmm, it's only 300 miles from here to Portland. We can make it if we drove all night. It's like, how the fuck did you get that far from Portland? You ran it. Well, that's where the wood is. If they took the boat, 200 miles upstream. I see. Yeah. And it's also this weird like, I guess we could make it back for the game moment, but, but it involves letting the kid who just shot his brother in the locker room play football tonight. And they're

making it this little comedy like, well, I guess we'd have to call a special session and lie to the police and tell them that you are somewhere else for a few hours. Like, no, this is not a good thing. But first we could eat a steak buffet dinner on the way. And it's like a dad pretending kids don't want to go for ice cream. Just like, you probably don't want to go to for ice cream, right? Right? And you're all like, no, no, it's like you, you're probably don't want me to cover for your murder accusation. No, I don't. I don't know.

Come on. Yeah, you're silly. You're silly. We're going to the place. Just like that. So yeah. So meanwhile, we cut to Taylor who is, he's now in his, in his wheelchair and they're going to wheel him out to the football games. So everybody can cheer for him.

But first, he needs some granny wisdom and some very uncomfortable granny kisses. Oh, God. No, never, never, never, ever, ever again. The slow and tender kiss this grandmother gives Taylor. This actress was like, well, what a good looking young man. Oh slow and tender kiss this grandmother gives Taylor. This actress was like, what a good looking young man. Oh, and now I kiss him on the forehead. Absolutely. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Oh, you know how uncomfortable you are in this reenactment. You have no idea how uncomfortable it is to watch. If you choose to pass on this movie based entirely on that moment, I will understand. Trust me, it's all worth it though. And also, this is where the kid has this great light. He's like, I don't care. You can take my legs. You can take my football dreams. All I want is my brother back.

The living one. The one that's maybe not killed himself. Yeah, you knew what I meant. I mean, I mean, you have both. I just me again. Tyler appears with a giant hole in his skull. God damn it. That was my third wish. We got to call that guy. That guy lives all the way in Portland. We got to call him to come down here and carry him.

The guy gets a call in the middle of the night. No, fucking. Oh, Jesus. I warned you when you bought the goddamn monkey. Paw. Kid carrying. Kid carrying services. So there. So the wheel and tailor out for game day at the

hometown crowd cheers. Hey, great job getting shot. And meanwhile, they have to have a special administrative hearing about whether the coach can coach and whether Tyler, the kid who shot his brother in locker room can play football tonight. Yeah. The coach who got a job coaching and then left in his first week to go fight drug dealers for six days and the band slaughter kid. Yeah. And they write their votes and hand them to Mr. B. I they don't just go like, well, no, or yes, they all go like, and then he's like, okay, it's a tie. You know, one guy was like, oh, I'm so glad we did that secretly. I didn't want to be the bad guy here. You're the bad guy. You shot your brother, but you

know. Yeah, kind of and again, there's selling this like, like Reggie's going, like, don't mess up his dreams. Now, Mr. Miyagi, and it's like're selling this like Reggie's going like, don't mess up his dreams. Now, Mr. Miyagi, and it's like the kid brought a loaded firearm to school and crippled another child with it. Like not getting to play football this week is hardly cool and unusual punishment, right? Yeah. But Mr. Miyagi is convinced by yet more castles in the air bullshit and decides to let him

play. Okay. You can play, but only from the sidelines. Yeah. And Coke schnapps. I'm sorry. You are suspended. I can't change that charges for murder.

Yeah. That's under. Is that I think. You left school without calling the substitute hotline and really, really seriously, which of course means that Bobby, who was too afraid to be the headscope is going to have to face his fears after all. So we cut to them on the pregame, like a shit talk moment or whatever.

Now, keep in mind, this school has just wheeled out their former star quarterback who was shot and paralyzed this week. Yeah. And the other coach is like we're going to fucking crush him. Yeah. And then it's so good. Yeah. And then it's time for the pre-games ceremony. We're Tyler walks out and because Tyler's there, Taylor stands up and is able to walk. It's a miracle. I want them to get up and shoot his brother in the spine.

See what happens. That's what happens. But no, we get our little miracle moment and now it's time to play ball. And now it's very late in the game. Yeah, we didn't skip. You didn't just hit something on your podcast. Now it's late in the game. Also, by the way, they're playing on a field with no lines.

No, they can't afford it. There's no choice or anything anywhere in the field. You can't really do football without at least sidelines. Yeah, you can have something. End zone lines. Yeah. So now they're only down by one point with five seconds to go and it's fourth that anyway. So they decide to try Mike Home fourth that anyway. Um, so they decided to try Mike home grinds

play. Yeah. After all. And he does it. He does it. But first, not really. No, he does it. But okay, but first the coach went, went, went, you know, because, because Reggie's not allowed on the, to, to be on the sidelines. So he, he, like, leans over from the stands and he goes, Hey, why don't we try this play that this janitor gave me? And he's like, yeah, I'm not practicing plays beforehand with the whole team. It's a great way to win. Um, and then he turns to Tyler who now has to play quarterback. Remember how he was only supposed to play on the sidelines? We're not supposed to remember that apparently. Yeah, he's the quarterback. Yeah. Yeah. He's the quarterback. And so he turns to Tyler and he hands him a rock.

Like, remember the rocks we were talking about before, but, but this is a coach handing a football player a rock before he goes out. Like there are so many sinister ways to take this. I wanted him to throw a rock in another guy's eye and just like run past him. Like, yeah, David Goliath. A little last boy scout stuff with a gun. Yeah, whatever. Right. No problem. But okay, so here's the instructions he gives him. He says option left pitch to finley. I guess that's their like tail back and then let the linebacker hit you. He also says use the delayed second

hut. I don't want any idea how that would relate. But here's the thing. You don't decide ahead of time about the pitch. That's the option. That's why it's called. You either pitch it or not. The defense doesn't, you don't decide. Well, and they don't, he doesn't pitch it and he doesn't pitch it. Yeah. So they fucked it up. Yeah. But anyway, so yeah, they used a quarterback option and he saves the day and runs for a touchdown in the most awkward fucking Gary Bucy ask way you can imagine. It looks like me trying to dance, but he's just running. That's it. So many football players involved in this movie. You'd think they could have gotten the football right. You would

think, but there's also the one kids chasing him and like dives to try to tag them. It's like you're 90 yards away, dude. You're like, like we can see that you are 90 yards. Why would you dive at that point? Yeah. Get lost. Refugee. And okay. So he went through the game and now we're at a train station because I guess Reggie has to move on like Bruce Banner at the end.

I can come to food. Like 8500 bags. Very large. About a luggage. Yes. Weird. Also, okay. So apparently Bobby and the Taylor and Tyler and that whole family and Mr. Miyagi have

all come to see him off at the train station. And this is where Mr. Miyagi gives Bobby the magical whistle that makes him head coach and summons the Pona when he needs to get to a different world. We're time to do that, isn't it? Like, you couldn't have done this like they're in the car on the way there. Why is Mr. Miyagi in the car with us? It's like nothing.

Don't worry about it. It's gonna be a reveal later. Doing a thing. Just don't just wait. You'll see. I'm doing a thing. I also love to win. Like as they're going through the train train station, Reggie P station Reggie Pats the the wheelchair kid really hard on the shoulder

I just so wanted them to snap his mind. Oh fuck man. Oh, is he gonna walk again? Also like he's like here Tyler. I got something for you and Tyler looks in the bank goes rocks awesome So good my crack from before. No, no difference. The day. Don't be dick. And then everyone comes with flashlights to see Reggie off. Matching your town flashlights.

They're all the same flash like the whole town had matching flashlights and let in case they ever needed to chant off a professional football player in the dark. Because those things happen. He's trained pulls away and he says, yeah, time to get back to football, gotta meet the cowboys. Well, okay, but the way that that comes up is even even that little bit. They can't.

Well, yeah, because all of a sudden he has a son. This character has a son. There is one minute left in this movie. And we just met a character. Four seconds. Yeah. Yeah. What's fuck you?

Here's the hell. Yeah. So he's going back to Green Bay to play football once more and the movie's over, but not before we get some outtakes, which are basically all just Reggie and Brett Farve being unable to speak words. I got faggot and you can hear like competent people in the set being like, fuck, it's five a.m. My son's birthday, you son of a There's two fit to two of my favorites one for Reggie, what for red farve when Reggie walks out like it's the press conference moment when he

Announce the retirement so he walks out for the press conference and he doesn't have a line. He's like, line, I forgot my very first line. It's welcome to this press conference, Reggie. You really do this is real life. It's Reggie. No, fuck it. And then there was the thing with Farve where they have to tell him not to talk to the camera guy. The camera guy is like, no, I'm the camera.

Don't deliver lines to me. I'm not actually in the movie. You get that, right? All right. Jocque phone. He does take your phone, brother. I sent you something. I'm not going to do that.

Now you're in the movie. All right. Honest question. What is the moral of this story? Um, you probably should not play football. Yeah. Not just smash your head against stuff really hard outside of football. Either just don't do that. I had the same moral Reggie White had terrible, terrible brain damage. They didn't know any better back then. All right. Well, if our thumbs could get high enough to describe

this movie, I wouldn't need a lick toad. So rather than a thumb gesture based review, I just asked that you indulge me in the fantasy that there's somehow more describe this movie. I wouldn't need a lick toad. So rather than a thumb gesture based review, I just asked that you indulge me in the fantasy that there's somehow more of this movie. So what's the sequel all about? What do you got? Um, okay, it's, it's about what happens next in Reggie's life. And it's called Reggie's funeral. And I felt players do not live past 43 very often. It's actually a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, President of the United States to win us a war against China I was kind of hoping that the sheep was gonna get its own movie and one of them, but that's all right That's all right, I guess that's gonna do it for our review of Reggie's prayer But that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get your back out of the bomb shelter long enough to download again Next week so Eli tell us what's on deck? the We so Eli tell us what's on deck the Shack all the damn people are making us go to this one right to like all of shitty New Jersey

Come on who doesn't like a nice three hour drive across a haunted bridge With trolls you got to answer riddles it's tough. Yeah. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 81 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among the arranging, make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful and thereby earn early access to every episode,

you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, and the skeptic right available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions you can email God off on movies at gmail.com our theme song

was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, N.K.E.V.L. Draft Sun Mars, all the other music used in this episode was written and performed by Morgan Clark. You can hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and Wright and Eli Bosley. I'm No Lusions, promise to work hard and earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. One sheep was severely psychologically harmed in the making of this film.

Mm-hmm. Brett Favre still thinks he did pretty good. Reggie White, Swife is a race we're not sure of. We thought we were gonna make it all the way through with that. It's not a word at all. But, Lulato, San Diego. Sorry, I was holding it together until pepperations. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.

all rights reserved.