God Awful Movies - 82: GAM082 The Shack

Episode Date: March 14, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of The Shack; the story of why you don't see Sam Worthington in more challenging roles. --- If you'd like to take our survey, go to podcast.study and select all of our shows listed that you listen to. Thanks! http://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/3379308/24005 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And then he's gonna shoot himself. Yeah, and he's interrupted by a deer. Like by a deer that needs the space next. I'm in here from 4 to 4, 30, and the deer's next. It's 428, yeah, till 430. I wanted the deer to be like, ooh, awkward. Sorry, slowly back out. The deer introduces himself.

Hi, new to the neighborhood. We brought an edible arrangement. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who sounds like Christian Bale with food in his mouth? Sam Worthingtodd. The main character in this movie. Yeah. And to be anyone miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Fuck this movie. Yeah. Yeah. So might as well get it over with Heath. Tell us what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched the shack for you people for you. We watched the theater and it's a movie that finally answers the question. Can we all just get along with serial pedophile murder rapists? Now I won't spoil it, but it's either yes or no. They do answer it. They do answer it.

The answer is because of Jesus. I won't say yes or no, but it's because of Jesus. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you call yourself a Christian, but the only part of the Bible you've read is the title you will know this movie. This was the movie version of every infuriating conversation I've ever had

with a quote unquote Christian while they wear a healing crystal and have Arabic words tattooed on their body. Yeah, it was, it was exactly that though. It was the fuzzy woo Christian film. Oh my God. All right. So let's be honest,

because we're talking about a flick with no actors and a $20 million budget being dropped at the start of the summer. Oh, he's $20 million. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Made 16 million of it back at opening weekend. So hopefully there won't be a the shack to okay, but look, this flick had Oscar winner Octavia Spencer Oscar nominee Graham Green and I heart radio musical word best country single con nominee Tim McGraw in it. So I, I, I, I feel like the more that's the top thing on his IMDb awards thing too. But I feel like the more relevant question here is, is not how bad was this movie, but like how much worse than you expected it to be

was this movie because I was afraid we might be going into something that was moderately good. Yeah, well, we, we saw this preview and we were like, all right, well, she's good and he's good. And I like our heart radio as well. So this one was like, no, do the shack. You have to do the shack and we were like, all right, let's do the shack, right? Worst case scenario, no one, he'd drive five hours to the nearest movie theater and they pay in pennies and then they fucking we watched the movie. But this was so much worse.

It was so bad. Much worse. I just expected a fried green tomatoes feel good. Christian means be nice to everybody movie, but it is not that it was. It is. It's. Holy shit. Okay. So is there anything you guys want to nominate? Christian means be nice to everybody movie, but it is not that it was is star Holy shit. Okay. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at Yes, best worst

Magical black lady it she shows up like five seconds into the movie right? She's the best worst the actress is way too good for this movie Oh, she's the best but okay look Sam Worthington was too good for this movie. She's the best. But look, Sam Worthington was too good for this movie and he's fucking awful. Not a great time. Yeah. Can I go with best worst wooie Christians not staying in their fucking lane? Here's the thing. I don't hate a wooie Christian. We all know the Woolwich like Jesus to me means the love. And you're like, I wish you just cut out that word right there. In the front, but like, okay, yeah, go ahead. Sure, you're a you, you get light a candle. Sure, whatever, live your life.

But you stay out of the rape. You have to eat the whole thing. You never get to think about rape. Right. Because the atheists are the wooly get to think about rape. Right. Because the atheists are the wooly Christians who thought about rape. We're just the wooly, whatever we were. We're like, yeah, but what about rape? And now we're here.

That's, you got to stay in your lane. Hells, yes. Well, that's gonna be on my gravestone. Wooey Christian who thought about rape. See, now mine is gonna be so disappointing after that, I had tried, I was just going to go with best worst CGI for something that would have been cheaper to actually do. More than one instance is in this film.

I'm thinking of what it particularly. Where's like, they made that look realistic in the 50s, y'all. Wow. All right. Well, if he that I can suffer through the haunted bridge between us and the theater for this movie, at least you can do his way through this interstitial. So we're gonna pause for a quick break, and when we come back, we'll break down all the try not to think about this too hard apologetic self. The shack.

Hey there. Are you a wooly Christian? Is your version of Jesus just a super nice Middle Eastern guy who says nice things? And ask your doctor about Hemant Metta. That's right. If you suffer from delusions about what a Palestinian radical rabbi said did and meant, Hemant Metta might be right for you. Like Jesus, Hemant was also a teacher and then started a kind of cult thing except Hemant to our knowledge is never yelled at an olive tree.

And if he has, he's very sorry. And hey, does Jesus have a blog? Hemant meta has a blog. Take that, Jesus. Don't want a brown guy? How about Seth Andrews? Same thing, plus milk chocolate voice. We like that guy, because we know the A word isn't for everybody.

Ooh, scary. But if what you're looking for in a dude is brown skin and good ideas, then try him at meta instead. He does not know we did this. I bet he will though. Hey folks, sorry to bother you, but we've got a very important announcement. We know that you've probably been asked to do this before, but our advertisers have created a little survey at podcast.study for you to take. We can't stress enough that this is how our advertisers gauge both the size and responsiveness

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Okay, I mean, I will. I just, you know, ask me ahead. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off with a VO from a person admitting that you would have to be an idiot. To believe this movie. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's fantastic. It's like, it's movie's about a man

who spends a weekend in the woods with God. But hear me out. Yes. Might as well open your mind. Might as well be a y'all angle. Believe this here, shit. I feel like half the test audience was like, bullshit, no. Then they added that line, okay, wait, wait, let's hear them out.

Let's hear them out. Just a bunch of people half lowering themselves back into their seats. So yeah, so we start off back in the days of CBL when Mac was just a young boy. Yeah. And despite the fact that this movie will take place in younger times, he appears to have been born and raised in the 1940s. There are 20s or something. Yeah. And his dad was a mom beating kid hitter.

So we get a little bit of that. And since we're almost a full minute into this movie at this point, it's time to meet our magical black lady. Yeah. It's so good. She might as well fly in during the preview, like over our heads in the movie theater. She offers him a pie that she has just taken out of the oven to really just hitting all those stereotypes in the first 30 seconds of meeting her. Yeah. She sits them down and she says parents aren't supposed to hurt children

in a movie about how God hurts his children. The lady who will later be God is like parents aren't supposed to hurt their children. They're supposed to know better than that later in this movie. I am not at fault for hurting my children. Right. Yeah, exactly. Also, her advice, because she sees that he's got the black guy. She's like, oh, your dad did this and he's like, mm-hmm. And she says, well, I've got an idea. Why don't you talk to God? Not, here's the number for child protective services.

Have you prayed about it? That works. And it doesn't, by the way, because then the very next scene, we get him confessing to his pastor, but his dad figures it out from the evil look the pastor gives dad the pastors obviously like did you try swallowing a fly i don't know why you swallowed a fly no one will help this child this child there are systems in place well right exactly shame there's not a government place where you could have done that anonymously a little bit more. Huh? Yeah. But yeah, pretend the child protective services isn't listening will you go to them? Yeah, but dad figures it out. So then we get him getting like beaten in the rain. And the dad's yelling like say the Bible verse about why I'm allowed to beat you right now.

Right. This movie is not good at bringing up things that make Christianity look good. They get worse from here. Way worse, in fact. It does, but I feel like that was what they thought they were doing with this movie. I'm saying like, here's people using religion wrong. Later I will show you people using religion. What you would need to do it right that afterwards.

You'll see. They don't all fall apart. You would need to do it, right? That afterwards, you'll see. They don't all fall apart. Yeah. You do it wrong, Wes. Don't use the words of, because that is in the, the dad, let's just be clear, the dad is right. Right? According to the way to be wrong is to be like, oh, this is a bad book of rules and morals.

Oh, look at this, a comic book. I'm going to use this from now on. This Wolverine never hits his kids. Great. Here we go. X-Men 41, the new book. So yeah, so the Vio tells us about how the beating lasted well into the night. And then the movie takes a dark turn when little Mac decides to take matters into his own hands by killing his dad. Good for him with rat poison. Yeah.

Him and Charlize the run. Yeah. Your heart out suicidal black kid in the alley. This is how you open a movie. So okay, so that then he wakes up in the modern day like we get the this movie doesn't ever give you the payoff. We get him pouring poison into his dad's beer. We don't get to watch dad slowly die of straight night poisoning.

But anyway, so now we make wakes up in the modern day. And I just wrote my notes. You guys remember when Sam Warthington was going to be famous, like when he was going to be a movie star. Oh poor guy, but you really see several times in this movie. Why that never really happened. It's gonna start looking like Kevin Sorbo soon. Yeah, right. To be fair, I think the way he got away with murder of crushing up that bottle and hiding

the pieces in his mouth for the rest of his life while doing it. My Mark Wahlberg impersonation is pretty clever. All right. That's a little talk. Let's start that conversation early. Okay. So Sam Worthington, Australian actor that he is is trying to do a American midwestern Boston.

Northwestern. Yeah. Australian. I it's communist. I he is so bad with this fucking action, especially when he has to get emotional because he does bad no matter what. But there's a couple of times in this movie where he is to kind of cry and talk. And oh my God, it's like he gives, it's like watching Kevin Costard do Robin Hood. Little pieces of peanut butter flying out

of his mouth while he's trying. It's not attractive. The Girl Scout cookies got there just before every single Friday. Oh, no, fuck you. If I wait, the, the, the thermometer will be gone. I knew a little doll. Absolutely. I refused this accent. Deep, deep, deep, $20 million movie. We can spend the hundred bucks to pay a teenager to go that don't sound like an American. So yes, so he gets up and the family is running late for church.

How many times have we seen this fucking scene? And like every time I think we've ever seen this scene, the youngest child just destroys Christian theology with a simple question. That happens so much in these movies. So they got it. Well, if God doesn't want us to be late for church, then why are we late for church? So you're being a bitch. Good.

So glad you're going to get murdered raped in a second. I said, I thought he was about to like take her out back and whipper there. Like, wait, hold on, it's not raining. It feels like it's raining when I was, we're gonna wait for it to rain, then I'm gonna whip you. Yeah, it's so easy these days. You're going to go and dry. I'm gonna go hide all the strict knee and I keep in my office. So we head off to church so we can get our third church seen in the first five minutes of

this movie. And all I wrote here was like, man, the lyricist just already been trying. Like we open up on everybody singing holy, holy, holy is God, God, God. Right. But she doesn't believe enough in God. So he somehow can't keep up with that lyrical complexity. Something, something, something is who? Wait, sorry. Ah, chap. Also, this is really fucking weird. And I barely caught it when it happened, but it the voiceover who is not, I don't even know if he's a character in this movie, but the voiceover tells us that, you know, Sam Worthington, oh, he's pretty bummed and he's like pretty half-ass about his Christianity, but his wife has a great relationship with God and calls him Papa.

Yeah. Nice track. Look, I'm sure one day he saw Papa in her phone and he was like, Hey, what's this? You did it. He didn't have a cell phone. And she was like, Oh, that's what I call God. And he was like, Sure. Sure.

Yeah. Why did you say Papa when I was fucking you know what? That's what I called God and he was like, sure. Sure. Yeah. Why did you say Papa when I was fucking, you know what? My way saying God, give me the cigarette. Yeah. You don't smoke. You don't. It's for Fred. Yeah. Crazy.

Because I dialed the number in the Latino guy. Victor. Why's God God to be white? You're right. No, that's the the setup is so stupid. It's, they're going for dramatic, but it's not, they're trying to sell it like an action trailer like in a world where dad is Luke warm about religion Sam Worthington is Lucas War. But like it says stupid. Oh, yeah. So we cut Davies on the phone.

He's looking out at his window. He's like, no, honey, you and the kids stay elsewhere. I'll be here all by myself. It's too snowy for you to come home today, which is kind of like a bullshitty setup. But when you realize that it's not setting anything up, you, you really start to understand what we're in for in this movie. And this is where we learned that since his daughter died, he's been struck with Batman voice. The way this actor chose to play grieving. Yes. Yes. Uh huh.. I think that's what American. Okay, Peds.

Well, he's learned his American accent from Batman movies. Maybe that was his only exposure to the American accent. Could be that. Give him the benefit of that. All right. So, yeah, so he's plow it his driveway with a snow plow and it runs out of gas. Fuck you. Get a shovel, whatever. And then melt it with a blowtorch.

Fuck off. All of us have some form of, ooh, nice plow. Yes. So you can tell your hosts are aging when we, we stop commenting on the women in the movies and start being like, oh, that looks like an ex, is that John Deere? I think it's an ex J 47. We used to use a shovel and we liked it. like, oh, that looks like an ex, is that John Deere? I think it's an ex J 47. We so much easier. We just do the shovel and we liked it. You used to, I got to anyway. Yeah. So, yeah.

So he goes over to his neighbor's place to get some gas and we need this thing because we want to see that like the neighbor wants to crack his shell of depression, but Mac just won't let him in. Very awkward. And his way of showing that is he goes like, you want to come over for some dinner? And he's like, nah, I'm grieving for my dead child. And he's like, oh, you've been kind of negative Nancy about this.

And it's been months, right? Like this is a man whose daughter was murdered months ago. And the movie narrative is like, come on. Walking back from his neighbor's place and he looks at his mailbox and there's a letter in the in this weather, impossible. Yeah. You up, God. Yeah. Basically it. It acts as this like, hey, you remember that time your daughter got murder raped? Kind of feel like I should explain. Holla back, God.

Yes. But please come meet me. Where your daughter was murder raped. Yep. Of all the, yeah. Right. And he's so surprised, but and it signed pop up, by the way, that's, that's important because that's what his wife calls guy.

Anyway, so he falls down and, and there's a white out. I wanted so badly when he like looked around for the black lady to just be sneaking away and just like, oh, fucking, I should have used a miracle. I'll see you at the cabin. I thought I could just sit down pat, but that was behind a bush. No, I saw you. I saw you.

No, you didn't. I'm a robber. And now we're gonna flash back. Now, I'm gonna tell you that. I'm gonna do you that favor, right? We've already told you that the daughter gets killed. We've already kind of given you an idea where the chronology of this movie is going.

The movie doesn't give you shit. So we got to earlier, earlier, but I'm just going to go ahead and tell you this is earlier. It's not clear at all. And the family has all go, because we've done this twice. Now it wasn't winter when they went to church. What the, anyway, so yeah, the family's all going camping except mom. She can't get out of her seminar. Right. And mom could not be more speaking in exposition. She's like, you guys are going to have a great

time and nobody's going to fuck your sister and dad. It's going to be. We're all going to live forever. Have. I think even the snap the we're all going to live forever. Picture quick before the early quick while we're happy On a mark by tragedy guys never actually comes over. He's like Guess what a picture with none of you dead Say nothing but consensual So so they're heading to camp, but first they, this scene is so fucking weird. Okay.

I forgot about, oh, I love this. Fucking weird. So they're heading out to the summer camp, but first they passed the waterfall and the older two kids really want to stop and they're like, Dad, can we stop? He's like, no, we can't stop. I'm like, but you have to tell the little daughter about the story of the Indian princess, which you can't do well driving in a car. We must stop.

So so they stop at the waterfall. So we can tell his story. Would anyone like to sum up the story here? Oh, Eli, yeah. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful Indian princess. They tell the story, yeah, every year on Halloween by the end of the year. And her father, the great chief, Uggwugs knew that the great spirit was cursing all of the tribe.

And they would only stop if the girl killed herself. So she did. And then the great spirit made a waterfall. The end. Yeah, the story is once upon a time, a girl about your age, killed herself jumping off a cliff. The understand less than six year old. You got it?

This is our family pastime story. Yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah. Like that's such a weird like the family sing along at dinner like time for noble samurai song. No, Robin William song. Robin William song. Robin William song. Jesus. Also, I should point out, he tells this song, he switches accents again. And he tells this song exactly as Carl the Puggepagocon. Exactly. Just like, hey, it's me. God,

a Puggepagocon. I myself to save you, Trot. Yeah. Definitely wasn't Tony D. No, no, nothing at all. Like from person. Maybe it was just a tour of the United States that we were getting from War of Things. I don't know. So, so finally they. Nothing at all. Maybe it was just a tour of the United States that we were getting from wore things. I don't know. So, so finally they get to the camp and I love that like you basically steps out of the truck and someone walks up and says, Hello, main character, I'm your poorly developed friend for later. Right.

That's me. Yeah. And so far I should point out on this character's journey, he has just met a series of rugged handsome men who want to help him and be his friend. It would be a great gay porn, as you say, and never pays off. Everyone in this movie, they're like, all models for lumberjacks shirts. It's the budget for CGI Beards is enormous and well spent. They are beautiful men.

I want one of those. So, so then we get both families like joining up for a Brady butch sing along, not about the noble samurai. And I guess this is so that like we can see them all hanging out later, though the parents hanging out later when the little girl comes in. So daddy, we have to say prayers to Papa, so we can explain the Papa thing. Oh, and it's so good because you get to see full grown adults react to that behavior. He's like, oh, yeah, my, my wife calls God, pop on.

They're like, at his weird, is she special? Is your wife special? She makes her own jewelry. God damn it. Tell me about it. You should get married in Louisiana. She just worships Mexican potatoes. Yeah, it's not as weird as you think, but Vicki, Vicki likes it.

So anyway, so he goes to pray with his daughter where they will now reenact the, what are the stars seen from Lion King? Oh my God. Above everything, this movie is nauseating. My mom used to tell me a star twinkle is a prayer heard in heaven. Meet me, meet me. How much QC Bootsie Moana reject stuff that hit the cutting room floor? We're shoving in this movie to make up for our rape apologizes. Every time you smile, Godfarts an angel. What?

We're about a rape. We're about a rape and murder of a child. But they call God Pappa and that's cute or something. about a rape and murder of a child. But they call God, Papa, and that's cute or something. I want to God start talking back to him like, Papa's my father. Wait, I don't have. When we infinite regress problem. Call me Mr. God. So yeah, so the, now, but the little girl is still fucked up over the suicidal

princess story for some reason damn So you can't shake it off she goes isn't a true story and he goes well Sometimes legends are based on true stories and the other daughter screams from off camera Jesus is an alleged now And that's how he reacted in the theater right there It's me and he's sitting in the back in like 26 old ladies who are apparently all together. They just came from bridge or whatever. And he did that.

I'm like, oh, God, we're not going to make it through. Oh, it was so good. And we should point out that it is so clearly like ADR like, ah, Jesus, though, not him. Yeah. So that's not what we're talking about. Y'all again, the test audiences were like, what are you trying to say? Yeah. And this is where the six year old girl once again destroys their theology by saying, hey,

why was God such a dick, dad? Yeah, right. Let's explore this. Seems like God's bad. Yeah, we're gonna have to kill you off and explain it. That's gonna be the movie. We'll do the rest about that. Yeah.

Right, and she says, will I ever have to jump off a cliff? And he's like, no, I mean, well, maybe if God told you to, you absolutely should. I feel like if we want to abandon this idea, we shouldn't be going down this path. They're all, I just want to point out there are viewpoints where one doesn't have to obviously skate the answers to these questions.

Clip though, I think we can do better than Clip. That's like a boring death for a future. Let's brainstorm. You will be wishing for a cliff to jump off of by the end of it. Yeah. Yeah. So the next day, they're packing to leave and the two older siblings, the brother and sister are out canoeing while the youngest one colors pictures of the Indian princess. Mm hmm. Who killed herself? Like what? What kind of fucked up coloring book does this girl have? Who would have made the news perish? What? What are you trying?

Don't draw that. It's so, oh, I ran out of red crayon again. She just exploded at the bottom, dad. She exploded. Like, they don't have ancient Indian dental records, but like, seriously, like someone dropped Chicago pizza That's what I'm drawing here dad So the

So dad looks out over the leg is these are the kids and the canoe the older daughter stands up in the canoe And it's like hey dad I'm standing up in a canoe dangerously. And so the canoe tips over and the sun gets knocked on. Oh my God. I'm conscious. Yes.

Yes. Why did the boom hit him when they were jibing in their plastic eye act? Yeah. I am the least outdoorzy person who doesn't live in a bubble in the world. And I know you can just come up underneath the kayak and be like, ah, I fell out. So yeah, but no, but he's trapped under the canoe. So dad must rescue him. So he runs off the dock and he jumps out. He swims and he gets to get a nade us CPR because he that always works.

Yeah. That's how drowning works, by the way, your brain dead for like a minute and a half and you wake up and you're just like, totally fine. My brain had no oxygen for a minute and a half. I remember my time's table soon. Yeah. I will not be at the front of a baseball game for the rest of my life. I wanted them to argue about the CPR though on the doc. They never have any

like realistic like, no, you're just hands only is not for drowning. You're supposed to do the old one. And then they are all a kid just like wakes up and like rolls back into the lake. But yeah, but while dad was busy being heroic and everything and helping the the the the sun, the youngest daughter disappeared. Right. And let's, okay, let's talk about this. We're supposed to assume a serial child murderer just hung out by this campsite and was just like, uh, uh, no, no, not yet.

All right. Oh, this drowning seems like good Mr. Action. Hey, what's going on? Um, come on, Say, go murder you. Yeah, seems like an eye, uh, ammo. But yeah, he's been like, man, I've been here every week this fucking summer. If some kid doesn't drown in this goddamn lake, I'm going to a different camp next week. So he rushes off to find Missy.

And of course, I'm thinking you named your Missy. You were asking for this. Also, you left your kid all alone at the fucking campsite, which I look, I know the scientist that Thomas had on his show said is totally fine, but this is what happens. Helicopter dad and training. I just wrote, have you checked the septic tank or is this a Protestant movie? He's gonna be a fleet of drones, dad, by the way, yeah. Yeah, right.

To my living children. He's gonna be a fleet of drones dad, by the way, yeah, right. To my living children. Oh, my dad was kind of a helicopter dad, but then again, no one fucked me to dad. So this little bit of that. So our generation turned out so great with crushing it. So we end up with the, okay, so the cops show up to look for the little girl and they find a mysterious ladybug pin that will never pay off right where she was. This is apparently the, the signature ladybug pin of a known child, Cheerio rapist. He has a calling card and it's a ladybug pin.

It's weird. The guy sitting in a Claire's. So sir, how can I help you today? Okay, this is going to be crazy. This is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for like 150 pins for me to leave everywhere I abduct a job. I'm here.

The unicorn killer's pretty popular right now. You don't want to be a copycat. How about Ladybug? Ladybug killer. No, that's good. That's good. It's good. I'm especially a little girl.

So, no, and also by the way, the cops here are so fucking inappropriate. Like, they keep coming up to him like, like, when cops like, hey, Mr. Phillips, we're really sorry, but your daughter is so murder fucked right now. You just don't even know. Hey, everyone with a daughter raised their hand. That's the one. You still have the one. You still have the one you can raise your hand.

You're raising your halfway. Go get your surviving kids. I mean, your kids, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just your kids. That's all the kids you have now. They're genuinely excited. The cops, they're not doing any emotions right here. They're like, hey, good news. We know what happened.

It's a serial rapist. Like, it's, well, it's good for us anyway. We've been, we've been looking for this guy. Maybe this helps. It's not all about you. I mean, we're doing cases here. It is good news for some of us. Don't be a dick.

I so want to want to come up and say, uh, Mr. Phil, as we found your daughter looks like she jumped off a cliff to cure AIDS. Pay idea where she would have gotten a crazy idea like that. No, I don't, I just, I couldn't imagine looks up at the sky. Great spirit. So now we go to the, I guess the kidnapping command center where he joins up with his wife. I love to, this will happen so much in the movie. I should come up and she'll go like, it's not your fault.

And I want him to go like, I know. I mean, nobody, I was saving the other kid's life. I mean, why would you? Is it, it's not not his fault. Right. Oh no. Hey, I'm so sorry. Will you watch my daughter and then go or just let God drown your son. Like, don't fuck with the plan. I feel like I don't want to get to, I don't want to go on the record is saying it's not his fault at all. You know what I'm saying? I feel like I can make that jump.

All right, so, okay, and now someone explained this part to me, because as the, as him and his wife are hugging and talking about how it's not his fault and the whatnot, the cops come in and they're like, Mr. Phillips, we found in the truck in the woods, we need to go right now. Why the fuck does he need to go? What? What pictures? They're like waiting on the dad to conduct their FBI operation here. Like there's just like agents watching a guy rape a little girl. They're just waiting for the dad to be like, yeah, that's her. Yeah, we don't want to have the wrong.

You can arrest murder raved girl. That's totally her. Mr. Phillips, you're going to want to see this shit. I mean, it's holy shit So, so they take a helicopter out to this shack in the woods on the mountains and he walks in and if there's an FBI lady like standing in there and she just kind of nods over to him like, no, over there. I'm just like, this is the worst possible way to do this, guys. They brought, they brought dad so he can get a dramatic reveal

about his kid getting raped and murdered. Right. That's what the FBI's like meeting before. How do we tell dad, like verbally? No, I don't know. He'll forget. Like dramatic reveal. More visual.

No, dramatic reveal. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let's put up a curtain and. What? What? A new partner. No, no, no, it's your dead kid. We're in a dress com. We're in a dress com.

We're in a dress com. Come for you. So. Yeah, and by the way, in this point, Sam Worthington for the first time has to really just like show some emotion. So he like cries here and reminds us why his career hit that ceiling when he was no longer animated blue by somebody who could fix the emotions. Oh, and it's so good because he's he's got the Australian accent and he's trying to do

the near that Australians do, but he so he opens his, he's like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. So he goes to his neighbor, right? Well, he said, we're back in the time when he's in the winter and he was plowing the thing. And he's got the letter from Papa. And so his instinct is to go to his neighbor to ask if he's starting another dead daughter prank war. He's so weird.

He's, he's, he's never said a weird relationship. I don't think. It's like cut to a week earlier and like Sam Worthington's hooking up Christmas slice that say dead wife with an arrow pointed at the day with us. Okay, come on. Come on. Really? I'm going to prank you about your dead daughter.

And the guy's like, hey, man, we're friends. I wouldn't make a joke about your dead. It seems weird that you would even ask, why did this occur to you that I may have done this? Yeah, not just, hey, we're friends. I wouldn't do that. Hey, I'm we're friends, I wouldn't do that. Hey, I'm a human being. I wouldn't do that.

Yeah, exactly. Not a Shakespeare villain. So any, and the neighbor goes, you should call the police. Sam, where they didn't go and say what? Then I have a mysterious letter that may or may not have been written by God. He's like, no, not that. Not at all. Just saying. Just I have a letter that seems to have some knowledge of my. He's like, no, not that. Not at all. Just saying.

Just I have a letter that seems to have some knowledge of my, just if that, that's all you really need to, I don't. Anyway, yeah, but this is where they revealed that there were no tracks in the snow by the mailbox. So unless like a letter could somehow sit there for a day and go on noticed in a snowy day when you weren't outside. Oh, I don't know this got, got parachute it in and the poison was in the ice. No, the killer is still there. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So, so his family gets home the next day. Well, he's asleep on the couch and, and we need this scene because we have to know that everyone hates everyone now. Yes. This is almost a movie bingo at this point that whenever there's any loss in any family, everyone's just like, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. Just this bitter wasp family. Like, they're not even eating dinner. Just for no reason. It's like, mom, will you tell my sister to please pass the salt and stop colluding with rapists to create diversions? Please. All right. For once in her life, I'm going to put it on my wound.

Right. We know. This is a movie trope, but mom's got her hair back, which is classic movie for kid is dead. Yeah. I'm depressed and I don't care anymore. So I'm wearing a ponytail. Yeah. And mom says, like, Hey, you know, dad and children, we all need counseling and dad's like, no, we don't. And then the movie vindicates dad. Fuck this movie. Don't forget we love each other.

Also is how she ends this scene. Yeah. She turns to me. She's like, Hey, don't forget we love each other. And I wrote in my notes, something happy couples say all the time. I just ordered to cut her off. Like, don't forget. Yeah, trash goes out on Tuesday. I know we love each. Oh, we love each other. Oh, right, right. And the trash goes out on Tuesday. We landed on. Also, and I hesitate to even bring this up. All right, because the actress that plays his wife is only like three or four years older than Sam Worthington, but Sam Worthington's like 40 years old doesn't quite look at. So it looks like a third and she looks her age.

So it looks like a 32 year old guy married to a 45 year old woman. Kind of looks weird. The whole nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with some age difference. No problems in there. The teenage daughter could probably have played the wife if you think about it. Yeah. I'm a wife.

Everyone's a G 12 13 years either direction, whatever. You guys ever really watched I Carly. It's a good show. So okay, so then he's rid of them, I guess, or like get it going to get rid of them. But first, he's got to go to the post office to get to the bottom of this letter that doesn't have a mail, a stamp on it or anything. Yeah. And the postman is like, yeah, I'm the mailman so I can smell where notes come from. Like what's supposed to happen? Hey, can you tell me the origin of this paper? Yes, from Genesis, maybe God. I'm a postman. So now we cut to him at a diner with a neighbor friend because apparently Mack wants to borrow

his four wheel drive so he can go to the shack and meet with God. And his friend is like, have you prayed about this? And he's like, just give me the truck. I don't want to. Don't. Well, and also like, okay, the guy, the friend is like saying about this at least for a second. He's like, yeah, but what if it's the killer who we know exists and we know can leave letters. And he's like, yeah, what if it's God? And the neighbor's like, yeah,

okay. Yeah. I mean, what if it's Elmer? Fud too. But like, what if it's the person that we know exists and would have this information and is a murderer. Yeah, what if he wants to catch him all? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. See, homicide, Pokemon Go would have made a way better movie. All right, so, but his buddy agrees like, A, okay, you can use my truck, but only if I can come meet God too with you.

And I think this is like, yeah, this is probably pretty sane, because yeah, if you kill yourself out there, then my truck's just gonna be out there and probably evidence or something. Got to get some toe guy and there's blood all over the seat. And he's like, oh, yeah, it looks like an Indian princess jumped off of a cliff into here.

So then we cut to him. Seeing his wife and kids off, well, his daughter sees hatred at him through the car window. I wanted this escalated like big fight with the daughter? There's like all argument and they look over the sun's kidnapped. You need a two lady with a note that's like you need eyes on eyes on the buddy system. Love ladybug killer. Yeah. Okay. So and then they leave and his neighbor pulls up with a GMC. So they go out to the shack. And I want to point this out. Okay. So like

he opens up his truck and he's like, look at all the survival equipment that I'm going to bring that will never be used in this film. And also apparently he borrowed a gun from checkoff. He brought a gun in case they want to kill God. But, but like again, I just, I just, again, just to emphasize how poorly made this movie is this gun will never fire. I just like, like they're going for it. But while he's off getting his fishing poles, Max steals the truck and drives off. And he's like, oh, fuck, it's like being 15 again. Well, this kid comes back in the house, gets her like, I thought you were going on a fishing trip, Gaggers canceled, Gaggers canceled. Yes. So, yeah, so then we cut to Sam Warthinkton, he's driving along and he's thinking about his dead

daughter. So he doesn't even notice that semi and almost dies, but doesn't like, look, we get afford to almost wreck a car, guys. That's, that's all we got. Also, we just have to point out that like he took a helicopter to the shack, but somehow he knows the driving directions there. Like he was like, no, and he looked down on his phone. He was like, sorry, I'm dropping a pen in case ever. He's maybe thinking about buying property up there. We don't know. We don't know what could have happened in those months. So okay, so now he pulls up near the shack and he gets out of the car with the gun in

his hand and he's slipping around on the snow like if they were going for comedy here, this would make sense. But they're not. And still he steps into the shack like Reggie White just threw a nail into it. Yeah, he puts it. He's pointing his gun around in the shack. I wanted so badly for Black Lady God to drop down from the ceiling on top of him. I was looking at you, baby.

I was opening a walk-in and see God holding a different dead kid. Just like talking to a different dad. Dude, I thought it was next Saturday, like, like, next, next. But this is the next Saturday. Thursday, this is the coming Saturday. Just say next, next, if you may. Next, next, next. Put a date in your fucking mysterious note

Send a Google calendar Right what fucking year is it God? And but but instead the shack is empty so he gets all Sad and starts throwing shit around like all right, but I'm gonna fuck up your cabin where you take your dead rape kids shit around like, oh, but I'm gonna fuck up your cabin where you take your dead rape kids. It's gonna be a mess next time. Good morning. I did this to the gym in Ireland. My dad died and they did not let me back to that crunch. Jesus. Good for healing.

Yeah. Just me trying to tip a treadmill. He's a lot heavier than you sort of look. You think I really thought I would get that sort of super. But I'm healing and start like a soda machine. You got a shake it. You got a wobble. Help me tip this. We're getting back and forth. All right. All right. Back first. No back first.

He's back. We're going. We're fighting each other. Someone at the desk. He's back we're going we're fighting each other Someone at the desk he's going through Oh, wow, this is so much darker than I thought the murder rate move And then he's gonna shoot himself yeah, and he's interrupted by a deer Like by a deer that needs the space next I'm in here from four to four thirty in the deer space. It's four twenty eight. Yeah, till four thirty. But it's so good. The deer like looks right out of him. He's like holding the gun towards his face. I wanted the deer to be like, ooh awkward. Sorry. Slowly back out. The deer introduces himself. Hi, new to the

neighborhood. We brought an edible arrangement. It's a bear made out of pineapple. You seem busy. You know what I'll explain like how long your lawn can get later. You know what I'll explain like how long your lawn can get later. You're right, but apparently in this moment with this deer, the deer looked at him in such a way that said, don't do it, man, because he puts the gun away and decides not to kill himself.

And he goes to leave because the deer like winked at him. He's like, all right. Oh, yeah. Oh, negotiator deer. He's like, all right. Oh, well, yeah. No, good boy. All right. A negotiator deer. Where's that movie? It's just the negotiator, but with a deer. Yeah. Yeah. He's negotiating between Fat Camel and Hellbound Kangaroo.

Just singing jumper like Jim Carries. So yeah. So, but he leaves and he's about to go to the back to the truck, but there's a person walking in the woods. So he decides to hide behind a tree and murder that person and look Here's a thing this is gonna turn out to be Jesus, but crazy billionaire remake of this movie He just shoots Jesus in the head and God comes running out and he's like oh fuck He's a person. This is the one of us that can die. Yeah. It's gonna take me three days to fix this shit.

Well, I hope you'd like being persecuted forever. Because the last people that did this is a whole little thing. In a couple thousand years, people are gonna be arguing about, rather or not, it's okay to punch people who killed you. It's a whole thing. Trust me. Start over.

You fucked up. Scratch. God. Damn it. I'm going to have to Jesus out to my cabin to forgive you. It's going to be a whole thing. We're only going to have two out of three of us to do. It's weird.

Yeah. So this random innocent human walks by and he leaps from cover and points a gun to his face. But luckily, it's a middle eastern guy he's used to this kind of shit happens all the time. He's like, yeah, come on up, have a not beer. Cause I'm not going to drink in this movie. I would have enjoyed a playful snowball fight here. If that's like, it just like evolved into a sexual thing and they tackled each other. We almost get that. We get so close to that before the movie is. It becomes very sexual coming up here.

Yeah. He almost fucks every member of the Holy Trinity. Oh yeah. And okay, so he follows Jesus up the mountain and it turns from winter to summer in a scene that should just have singing cartoon animals in it. It's tweeting birds put a cape on him. Right. And okay, I want to point this out because I've spent a lot of time in my life in the mountains.

The fact that he walks from winter into summer, this will be the only evidence he has that these people are God for like most of this movie, right? Like he's never going to ask from the, to see a miracle or anything. This is all the, this, this shit happens all the time in the mountains. You walk from one season to the other, elevation changes, the shadows change, south side of the mountain, north side of the mountain, that kind of shit, that just happens in the mountains. That's not that big. It wouldn't happen for days or whatever, but that just fucking happens. That's not a big deal. Oh, see, you just missed an

opportunity to convince me you have magic powers Because if you ever were just like, yeah, look at this say winner summer, I would have been like Magic powers magic powers I am convinced yeah, so so forgive my rapist You got me yeah,, no illusions, rape forgiveness services. Keep going up. I was very well with my Lyme disease removal. I don't want to say.

We call it an ancillary. It's called an ancillary business. For a dental integration. What is the first one? So he follows Jesus to a lake house. And this is where we're reintroduced to the magical black lady. And her greeting is so long and so racist, the SPLC should put it on the list. She's like Mackenzie Allen Phillips as I live and breathe up and down and all around happy birthday and no more.

Mr. It's so. We stop. Please stop, Octavia. Please. So he comes in. Okay. So now there are there are three people in this in this lake house that will eventually turn out to be the.

It's the holy Trinity, right? Yes. Uh, yeah. I always pictured having his like Megan Kelly, Black Santa and, and hot Asian lady. So like close to that. Yeah. One third. They're close.

Not so bad. Um, but I love you. Okay. So she's like, I see you have a gun. Can I take that from you? I wanted to like just rape him at gunpoint. Shouldn't have given up the gun, motherfucker. But, but let's think about this logically. Okay. So what just happened here is a, is an armed man who

pulled the gun on a stranger walked into their house, right? So like, it's very possible that they're like, let me take your hand. He seems to think we're the holy Trinity. Y'all should we just play along? He had a gun. Yeah. Let's just play along. He's violent. He could have been the whole movie. Anyway, I wanted this to be a singer, community, more than anything. With an Arabic guy, a hot Asian and an old black lady. Yeah. I'd run through that gamut. The Asian ladies last name, by the way, looks so much like masturbate when you say it's

Matsubara, but when you first glance at it looks so much like masturbate. So, yeah, so the old black lady is God, the Jewish Mexican is Jesus and the retired foot porn actress is the Holy Spirit, I guess. And she's so awkward because like she didn't get a book. She's just like a dove and a couple of thoughts. They don't know how to represent her. They're just like, so what's new with you? And she's like, I collect tears. What? Yeah, figured we would. That's weird. Well, Asian lady with a tear collection. I have a Google alert for that.

Anna turned to me because I brought her to this movie and she goes, I would karate chopper in the throat. If she's like, oh, let me get it. I got. Oh, yeah. No, those are my tears. You try to take that's weird. That's just fucking weird.

So yeah, so he, he doesn't know how to handle it. So he steps outside, but he doesn't leave. I love it. I would love to be so like, oh my God, I pulled a gun on Jesus. My mom would be so pissed. But instead he rips up the note and throws it away or whatever and wanders off to the deck by the lake.

Um, and Jesus follows him and Jesus has restored the ripped up note. And I'm like, for fuck sake, you're supposed to at least make him sign it first. Yeah. So like he needed more proof here. Like, oh, times new Roman, it checks out. Right. You know, he typed the note. What's the wormhole?

Your note. The only note it was in the deck though, man. I mean, that was you just had the one. Yeah, but apparently that's all the evidence he needs that he's talking to the holy fucking Trinity. Right. And he's like, so can I do what I want here? And he's like, you're free to do whatever you like. And I was like, fuck the Holy Spirit. Fuck the whole. to do whatever you like and I was like fuck the Holy Spirit. Fuck the Holy Spirit. Also, in Octavia. Yeah.

Also, Jesus has this moment where he has this weird accent. I don't know what this actor was going for, but he's like, you're going to be all right. I want him to be like, you can do it. So yeah, so he decides to go back inside where God is cooking and she's like, I'm wearing your mom's perfume. I smell just like your mom. And I wrote that's fucking weird and Eli wrote, I'm into it. That happens about the same stimulus so often in our notes.

And I wrote, he must be splattered and come right now. We know where everyone was at this point in the movie. I was splattered and come right now. We know where everyone was at this point in the movie. I was splattered and come, but like, why'd you guess I was right now? I don't know. Whatever. I'm seriously asking like, why would I be splattered and come right now? Specifically, whatever. So now it's time to bake bread with God.

This movie is a mother grim story as told by a fundamentalist who accidentally ate a fucking pot brownie and watch and watch the Matrix instead to steal the Oracle character. Right, right, right. Very clearly. I wanted him so badly to turn to her and just think, so while we're making bread, why'd you let my daughter get raped to death? Well, but he kind of did. Pretty much what happened. Like, you're kind of pissed.

Is it because I had a murder rapist murder rape your daughter? Yes. Yes, it is. Let's talk about this figure. That might be that's what this conversation is. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get the elephant in the room out of the way.

Yes, I'm black. I wrote my notes at this point. It's like, I'm glad that talking like an American is hard for Sam. It makes me feel a more like I'm accomplishing something right now. You know, I'm doing something that's difficult. Anyway, yeah. So God jingles some keys about the rape daughter. And to his credit, Sam Worthington's character is like, could you please stop jiggling those

those fucking keys? You murder raped my daughter or allow that to happen. So her answer is I never left her. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't ask if you were in the room. I asked why you didn't stop. It's not about present. I was right there. He has me taking a selfie with them.

This one's hard because you could just see his back. But he's here. She is there. But it's like, seriously, and he's like, that's not a good answer. And she's like, never next line. Right? Well, yeah. And then I guess that's enough for him because he moves on to the next subject. He's like, well, you know, I mean, I feel like you make a habit of killing people's kids.

Heard about your kid. But she's like, oh, you don't understand it. She holds up a wrist and she also has the stigma to, so now it makes sense. Are we going for sense? I'm, and she says here, she goes, I'm not who you think I am. And I wrote viola Davis. Fuck. Yes, but but instead she says, love always leaves a mark. God abusive husbands and people

who come early. She was just like, wait, once I got a pause, love always leaves a mark. All right, great. There you go. That's for the cover of the DVD. Yeah. And God also says, like, yeah, no, I technically, yes, I did let your daughter get murder, but I never left your daughter. You got just like jerked off in the corner, like cook porn and watch this happen. What the fuck? I guess I never left you is what I'm going to apologize for for whenever I do something wrong. And again, I never left you. No, I wanted you to leave though. I left you. I specifically said, you never left you. I teased you and somehow you pulled the barbs out of your bag.

Ah, details. Right. But I guess he just can't handle the murder rape apologetics just yet. So he goes outside to look at a CGI blue J. Okay. By the way, I started to fall asleep here. Like and literally I halfway through a note. Like I had my little no pad. I wrote if you're a real scribble scribble pen line off the page. And that's what I was trying to write?

I probably something about a bird wrangler watching this scene going, for fuck's sake, you just need him to sit on a branch and you didn't call me. So you didn't need him to fucking, he didn't have to fight. Oh, I missed the bird. Yeah. And that great line where God slash Octavia Spencer says, that bird was created to sing. You were created to be loved. Your daughter was created to be raped and death. See, we all have our own special thing.

You have to. Yeah. But this bullshit. Yeah. So then we cut to that evening where like he's sitting around having dinner with the Holy Trinity. And I'm like, oh my God, this is boring when it's people you like. Yeah. Making small talk with God, the movie. Okay. Because they literally say, so, um, Josh has a girlfriend now. Yep. That's the actual line.

All right. I have these nice. All right. I remember something. I had, I was naked giving a speech to my French class in high school. I think I was asleep for the scene too. Yeah. Did that happen? Um, you know, I would have enjoyed the movie. Yeah, no, it didn't, it didn't. And also, okay, so this is like, we get this cliche all the time. Apparently, God cooks really good, but you can't tell that's what Worthington's going for because he reacts like if he was reacting to, they just served me the eyeball of a human being. This would be the dead on spot on fucking reaction, right? Yeah. I mean, look, I know they don't have good food in Australia because like the

only meat there is like kangaroo and spider, but like, um, yummy. No, right. Again, take a hundred of your $20 million budget and get the, that doesn't sound American guy to also go, mm, mm, good. Yes. Something. De-lish. Well, I, I, I, he has to eventually explain. He's like, wow, this food is really good.

In case you couldn't tell what emotion I was going for. So yeah. And then he asks the, the Holy Spirit. Wow, this food is really good. In case you couldn't tell what emotion I was going for. So yeah, and then he asks the Holy Spirit. He's like, okay, you guys have been talking to me all day, but if you're omniscient, you know what I'm going to say. Why would you even ask? Because omniscience makes no fucking sense. Bro, six year olds destroy this world view twice in act one.

And she didn't even have a sense, not take ladybugs from a Harry Potter stranger and a trench coat. I mean, what do you think I've got an answer here? Anyway. Yeah, and their answer is like, yeah, but we, we, we like talking to you like a step dad trying to win over his kid just like, hey, come on. So any girls at school, you know there are girls at school. I just wanted to hear you say it. Yeah. So but instead of answering the fucking fatal flaw in their worldview, instead God sends Mac out with Jesus so that Jesus can show him some of his handiwork.

His handiwork by the way is the night sky. Fuck you. Again, it's just like, oh God, we did so badly during those rape apologetics. What if Jesus makes shooting stars? What? What? Yeah. Great.

So you've been working on shooting stars. Cool. Cool. Well, if you got a chance, just, you know, next time you're doing that, take a five minute break, maybe stop all the child raping. He's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's doing that, take a five minute break, maybe stop all the child raping. You got your pet project. There's thought though, when you get a minute, you know, vaporizing grades of space does

look cool in everything, but there's a reason why you were 33 single, but seriously, the rate. Yeah, no, right. Yeah. I've been in environments where I ate with an Asian lady, a black lady, and then an Arabic guy took me outside to talk to me about the sky, but I got to fuck everyone and there were drugs. That's all exactly. Exactly. There's the scenario. Expectations in a situation like that. Yeah, right, right. So and like, but I guess we

have to like, this is the buddy cop moment with Jesus. He's like, all right, well, I'm still pretty mad about the rape killing my daughter, but you're all right, Jesus, you're pretty all right. You're good. You're good. Um, and then he heads to, to, to bed and he opens up the bedside drawer and there's a Bible in it, which apparently was the funniest thing the old ladies in the theater with us had ever seen in their lives. God's a passive aggressive being be owner in Ireland.

Oh, congratulations on your met. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I get it. I'm gonna go fucking your guest room. I wanted to open up the Bible and it's just like hollowed out with the dildo inside. He's like, oh, all right. Nice. Octavia, let's get this going. She is omniscient. Yeah. He needs to sleep in his God vision. What? Yeah, so now this is the only realistic moment in the movie though because he starts reading the Bible at two pages in he's dead ass asleep Dreaming about when he was in Avatar no Sigourney Weaver no, I don't want to be healed by crystals. No You went super crazy after alien man. I get it man.

And then you age well, man. She's crazy. Whatever. I tell you, you talk to getting me. Okay. You opened for married man. I like older women. My wife is going to look the way she does forever.

Yeah. And so then he has to dream about chasing his daughter a little bit so that we can remind them everybody that yeah, no, there is totally a murder rape little girl in this movie. I didn't want you to just get all like caught up in the shooting stars and whatnot. Murder rape. So the next morning, God is cooking again, which is about 90% of what black women do in movies, not just in Christian movies, you know, this is pretty universal, but yeah. So, and this is also where God decides to tell him

that she's a Neil Young fan. Yeah. So, I mean, that's fine. That's my Neil Young school, but no follow-up questions on that, like, I feel like they would have, they would have discussed more, more about who God would actually like. I feel like they're being argument in the writers room about it. I kind of feel like he would say something about those guys from God's not dead. Who are those guys? He probably likes them better.

Cause he says anyone you're not fond of and she's like, no. Yeah, and all of us wrote Hitler. Every like we all have like three Hitler notes immediately after that, don't we? Yes, we do. Okay, you said nope. I'm going to try that differently. Who do you like better? Hitler or Jewish people?

Yes. Okay. No hard stance one way or the other on the Holocaust. Yeah. Just one other question. Aren't you a wrathful bitch? No, and that's her answer. Yeah, right. Well, that's where he goes because he's like, yeah, I was just reading your book and, you

know, there's all the amalachite blood and the world drowning stuff in there. You're kind of the bad guy, right? What are you? And then she starts out like Jeff Sessions in a confirmation hearing. Yeah. Cn is its own punishment, except when a fucking killed the world that was a punishment. Well, that that world was all flooded when I showed up, baby. Those children chose to get eaten by them, she bears. I don't know what you're talking about.

Just Octavius Pets are getting arrested on cops with a flooded world. Bexu, what happened was, okay, here's what happened. What happened was I was, I borrowed a motorcycle from my friend and he said, you better, he. So now you all know exactly that. Oh, sentences do not end in God. No, you're right. You're right.

No, that's, that's where the sentence ends. So no, so now, uh, God uses the keyhole analogy. Okay. So let's follow this analogy. You're only seeing your child being raped to death through a keyhole, but if you could see more, you would see that that was a moral act. What the fuck else is happening in this room? Yeah.

You got to expand that picture for okay, you're God. Now's your chance to expand that picture and be like, and you see that powered the machine here at all the cans. What? And there's no, yeah, really, that was the power to the cancer curing machine. We'd be like, oh, we got to find a new power source for the cancer curing machine. That way. Yes. Well, look, yeah, murder raping children is not, you have to tell this to a lot of fucking

religious people and religious leaders, apparently, but raping children is not a context kind of thing. You know, it's not like, well, I raped that child in self defense. No, there are, there are certain things where there is no context where it becomes moral. Yeah. So and this is, okay, so he's trying to get out and he comes across Sarayu, the Asian Holy Spirit lady out by the garden. And I just love this line. She says, if you're looking for your truck, it's out by the garden. And I just love this line. She says, if you're

looking for your truck, it's just past the trees. They're in a fucking forest. Yes, it would be past trees. Thank you for that. The universe past tree. I look for all the not inside trees areas. On a tree or yeah, yeah, under a tree buried. Yeah. But before he leaves, he should garden with her. And she walks into the garden and she's like, this is my garden. What do you think? And it sucks. It's just like brambles average garbage. It's terrible. Yeah. Well, and I wanted to, like basically, this is how this should go. Like he walks in and goes, wow, you're gardening looks like an analogy for my soul. This is an analogy.

Oh, fuck, you beat me to it. Damn it. You see this soul heavy head. Like it might as well be labeled like a political cartoon. It's like, it's blocked right now. I was pointing to that. So stupid. Just don't find on your soul.

I'm gonna need a quarter of that. Anti-fadarillist. Wow. All right. Yeah, she does this whole like you have to help me garden. She's like, oh, don't touch that root. It's highly poisonous. But if you mix it with this flower, it's a medicine.

Like why not just have the medicine in the root, lady? I love it so much because she's like, the sap from this twig will kill you. But if you combine it with the flower, it heals you. That's not how that works. No, no, no, take a bite from each. Oh, dying, dying. My kids just go, what? Why did you make the poison?

Well, well, somebody needs to be doing the raping. I mean like this feels like a bad system Can you just skip the poison on now really kid who poisoned his dad? You want to know why we need the poison one? Because in that one little fight you had you went down like a bitch. That's why that's why we need poison For people that are taller than you. That's why for people that are taller than you. That's why. So all right. So now we get to this and every Christian apologetics movie has this moment, right? Where and this one has several where the the main character has to be impossibly bad at answering simple questions for their point to make sense. Yeah, right? This is where the the Holy Spirit chick is saying like, hmm, what is this good and evil

of which you speak? Can you define them for me such that every single instance will be encompassed by them in this moment? No, well, then it seems that you are wrong. No, we can just continue this conversation. Tell you what, quiz me. Go on, throw a couple, tell you what, rape, wrong, all right? Ready? Yeah, she's right. Stealing bread to feed your sister's son complicated. Look at us. We're, we're nailing this. Two for two. Well, and look, if the character then turns to her and says, I, I tend to go with that which minimizes harm while maximizing freedom, she would have nowhere to go. She would have

been like, Oh, fuck, no, that's pretty good. It's not mine, I read it on a blog. What about if the, oh shit, that was a great, um, that does it, doesn't it? But what if the rape is needed to power the cancer machine? It's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's, it's just, it's,? And I got to say like, look, I'm sure there are people out there, but like being wrong doesn't mean that like it's impossible to know a thing. I know.

Right. And can we talk about the powering the cancer healing machine? I mean, wouldn't consensual do it if it was the same? Couldn't we just have consensual sex power? No, it's a fear and anger. Yeah, no, it's a whole thing. It's like monster zinc, but way darker. Yeah. And then I love to. Where's that remake?

Crazy billionaire money away. So yeah. And also I love to, at the end of this scene, she goes like, this garbage and represents you, because we honestly thought our audience still needed that spelled out for them. Yeah. It says metaphor with an arrow that points to me where I go in this ridiculous scene. I know. Thank you. All right. Well, unlike this movie, we recognize when a person needs to stand up and take a piss or something. So we're going to pause for a quick break. But before we do, let me

give act three, the hard self will Mac forgive God for being so callous about the murder rape. Will God forgive Mac for being so bitchy about the murder rape? Will God forgive Mac for being so bitchy about the murder rape? If the Holy Trinity had a pan-racial menage with 12, would that be considered masturbation? Find out the answers to the less interesting of these questions and more when we return for the laborious conclusion of the shack. Why hello there Noah.

Hey, how's it going? You can call me Illusion or Papa right What are you what are you doing? Yeah, no, I get it. You're your god. I just I figured you do this kind of thing occasionally Well, uh, well I have been known to reach out to the children on the special especially fun to yeah I got it. Okay. Well, I'm not buying this, so I'm gonna break a bunch of your shit, and whenever you do this, I presume forever you're gonna remember that one of us showed up

and took a shit on your bread, though. You took a shit on my bread, though? Sure did. That is ruins now. Not necessarily. I'll eat it. Ha ha ha ha. Wanna split it? He's get outta it. Ha ha ha! Wanna split it?

He's get outta here! Ha ha ha! You back to the garden now. Ha ha ha! Sour now? Tsk! Now you, Heathend Wright and Eli Bosnett, shall be wisdom. Cool, cool got it. Sure. Alright, who goes to hell?

The murderer, the drunk, the rapist? Uh, none of them. Yeah. Yeah. No, nobody goes to hell. We just don't let them do crimes. We get it. Yes, but when they do, you know, you're not listening. Right. No, no, okay. Okay. Let me try here. Catch this rock. See? See what I'm saying? See what? You caught the rock. You stopped it. We're going to do that. We're going to stop bad stuff. This is so stupid. It's a cave.

No, no, no, I'm not. I'm not doing it. Here is judgment. Who is to say what is right and wrong? I'm going to stop right there. Us. Collectively. Right.

Right. Over time. That's how it works. Yeah, last time you gave us rules, the included hand chopping and slavery. Why a cave? Right, but what a free will. The thing. No, the thing.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. How about people keep it right next to their psychic powers? That's what it will be. Oh, okay. Then which of your children are you non? Still non? Jesus, it's so damp.

Okay, fine. You guys do it then. Yeah, okay. We're a judgment's so damp. Okay, fine, you guys do it then. Yay, okay, we're a judgment now. Woo! Okay. Alright, pants are a sin. Yes, thank you, big one. Ugh, worse than rape.

Ah! And we're back for more of this shack. And when we last left our hero, he was considering sticking around at God's lake house after all on a kind of that awesome garden metaphor that was disguising the fact that this movie absolutely had nothing to stay except for dude. You're all kinds of fucked up. So we rejoined him wandering back to the house

where Jesus is carpenting as he's watching you do. Making a shelf. Yeah, it's not a chair, but it's pretty cool still. And Jesus says, hey, man, why don't you go out on the water and a boat so I can show you the walking on water thing? No, no, it was a thing. I was thinking, well, maybe you ruined it now, but go on the boat.

I'll meet you in a minute. I got some orders to fill. Right. Okay. So I got six voodoo snooner did make and four galertins. What's a galertin? So he, so he goes out on the boat and it wouldn't you know it. It's a nightmare boat.

Oh, nightmare boat. And his boat starts to fill with black water and blood. You know that old story. Yeah, dead kids float into the surface of the water. Going to Eli's lake house. But luckily, just in time, Jesus comes over and he's like, Hey, hey, hey, don't think about that. Literally that's it.

Get it in the, to cut it out. Stop being on a double boat, bro. So Jesus walks out on the water, surprise, surprise, to calm him down and to calm the angry bloody dead kid waters. Dad's like, okay, yeah, like I get it. I called it actually. I see you walking on water right now, but you're still accessory to murder rape. That's not like

But literally 10 seconds later. He's like, hey water walking I understand rape in the universe Hey, well right yeah exactly because Jesus like loans him his water walking powers here And that's enough to convince okay first of all What a boring fucking super that would be like walking on the ground, right? I mean, we can already walk on things. Yeah, walking on the ground is not a power. No, it's not, but also this is the, the, the blue J was the first to get, but this is also another spot where the CGI is terrible. And this does not seem like a tough thing to CGI.

Mm-hmm, right? Nope, not at all. I'm going to, going to go with a good old Chris Angel here and say some plexi class on top of a pool was more convincing. Yeah. And no, seriously, yeah, like that would have been better. But yeah, so they're walking on water together and we're thinking it's way too excited about this. And this is when they have the, you know, it's not a religion, it's a relationship conversation. He says, religion is way too much work. And I wrote my notes. I agree. We have different conclusions, but I agree. And he also says, I don't want slaves. I want friends. And I'm like, you know, that's what most people who who steal people say, you know, that they

want. We just wanted to be, I'm sure guy who took pre-larsing to the room wanted a girlfriend Right so anyway, so yeah, and and and and then he's like, you know I don't care what you call it. I just want people to feel love I wanted him so but he goes. I just want people to be loved and I wrote I wrote my notes Hey me too. I'm also okay with them being gay now you go. Yeah I wrote my notes. Hey, me too. I'm also okay with them being gay. Now you go. Yeah. All right. A some people I want to get in. What's some people to be loved? She just pushes him down into the water.

Well, people to be full of love. Like your daughter was that was inappropriate. I'm sorry. That she was full though. Barry. Well, and then Jesus gives him a side quest. He's, he's cribbing his fucking homework off of Yoda at this point. He's like, you must walk this path alone. No, leave your weapons without Gandalf. Okay. Right. Right. Yeah. So he said, Jesus sends Sam Worthington down a path in the woods. And then it leads to a dead end. And I thought it was supposed to be like a kung fu panda ending. Oh, I'm what's at the end of the path. But no, no, he can walk through rocks now too. It's a lesser known Jesus power.

It's way cooler than the water walking. If you ask me, but yeah, so he walks into this like Rocky cave. I'm like, first you're going to need to find the map. And there will be a special weapon in here somewhere. A compass, be eventually, but yeah. But instead he comes across a woman on a rock throne. And I'm like, please tell me that's the Indian princess. But there's this great awkward moment before he acknowledges the lady. And Sam wearing his clearly pissed at this point.

He's like, all right, fuck, fine. Who are you, lady on a cave thrown it. How long are you sitting there waiting for me? This is really weird. Yeah. I've been here for months. I really want to hurt. It's just like be running out of a bathroom in the back. Fuck, seriously, the, I said I just, I, because I held it, I swear for like four hours, but you guys took forever to walk across the lake and you know, she made breakfast burritos. So I have to do not go in there. It would not be wise.

Believe me. Yeah. And and this is, this is wisdom. Yeah. That's who this is. She would know. Um, and wisdom is sexy. Uh, that's good.

That's good. I like that. The wisdom is here to judge the rape victim's father. Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's some judging going on here. Okay. So she's like, oh, judging, she's like, well, you do it all the time. You racist. And I'm like, I was picking up on that too. The way she kept telling God how much he really does like Kubo good in junior seemed weird. She wasn't asking about Kubo good junior. And I wanted her so badly to start bouncing a basketball off his face here. You be the judge.

You know, you want to be good? You want to be the man? Yeah. So and that's what it is, right? Like, so it's like it's time for judgment. And he's like, oh, you're going to judge me. No, you will be the judge. You get to sit in the big rock chair thrown.

Okay. Great. I've never been a wisdom cave before. Just tell me like what we're fucking doing this. Help me out here. The cave required. Also, part of it. Can't we get a better? I mean, Muslims have way better couches. I'm just saying you've got a wooden like rock thrown thing going on. He didn't even have wood. Anyway, so yeah, but this is where he has to forgive his dad that abused him and that he killed because his dad was also abused. Right. And this is this stupid pain justifies abuse trope and just to be super fucking clear,

as though this needed to be spelled out, if you were abused, it doesn't justify abuse. No. And if your abuser was abused, it doesn't justify that. It's funny, bad behavior, doesn't create more bad behavior. Two wrongs don't make a forgiveness. I don't know what to do. In this stupid fucking, yeah, right, right. But her answer is, no, don't you see?

Like Adam hit his kids and there's just been a straight line of kid hitting all the way to you. I wanted them to be like, oh, I feel like I shouldn't stop at them, right? Because like, if I don't beat the crap out of my stomach, well, no, wait. I don't have an excuse. Um, uh, shit. I guess. Okay, what about a guy who just starts?

And, and also it's like, you know, a lot of this is and look at your daughter's rapist. You see him only as evil, but look at him letting that lady cut in front of my grocery store. She has more than 11 items. So weird. Yeah. She actually wisdom ladies actually like what about murderers drug dealers, terrorists? Are they evil?

And he's like, um, I feel like you want me to say no, but that can't be right. I did want you to say no, I did explain it. Everybody's evil since Adam. Yeah. Well, right. And the point is like, okay, well, nobody's guilty of anything if God exists. She even says that, right? Nobody is guilty of anything if God exists. I'm like, wait a minute. The opposite of your point, movie. Step God. Well, right. Yeah.

No, not him, especially not him, her. Yes, him. Yet. Um, so yeah, but he doesn't want to sit in judgment because it's just weird and she doesn't explain the rules to him or anything. So now she wants him to choose which of his kids to burn in hell for eternity. Oh, oh neither. I just, oh, you must choose neither.

I made all the rules. Hell's gone now. Oh, ha, ha, well, I want to play a game. Well, as one of them are rapists, well, yeah, is that really change anything?

Yes. Yeah. Well, that's it. That's it. Yes. So the analogy they're going for here is like, well well if you can't choose which of your kids burn in hell then why should God It's like neither of his kids is a child murdering serial rapist. I mean, I feel like that makes the choice easier Doesn't it? Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, and also by the way

He doesn't have rape stopping magic. That's the other thing right? It's not like it's just about, well, are you gonna burn this guy in hell for eternity? Because that's a little much no matter what the guy did. But it's also about like, you could have used your God magic to stop the kid raping. You're not really addressing that with this analogy. Are you?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So again, like in a game where you make the rules and the choice can be neither, you can stop the crimes, which would be problematic enough that you might have to choose one. Or you could at least make sure the guy got caught later, you could at least drop a note for the cops. This is a silly, like, he raped a lot of kids.

It wasn't just the movie. And it's the movie. My wife, who, again, plays video games throughout all of these movies, just looks up and goes out loud in a theater full of old black ladies goes, what the fuck is happening here? They're like seven of us in here. Yeah, yeah. And again, it's like, is there like, yeah, you know, our rules are so fucked up that

if you enforce them, you would be a monster. So we don't enforce them. This scene is nonsense. This scene is nonsense and relies on the stupidity of Sam War, I think, things character to not be like, wait, no, you can't, that's, that's not a fist. Makes any kind of sense. Yeah, I mean, her excuse for kid rape is it was you humans that did all the kid raping not God. Yeah. There's even a moment where she goes, oh, evil you say, who made that? And I wanted him so badly to be like, Steve, is there a, can we go to his cabin and fucking on there? But he doesn't want to be the judge anymore. And I guess that's what she was waiting for for him to admit that her job's room

to hard. And then a wall of giggling water opens behind him. Yeah, right. And what a fall opens up. I wanted a Native American girl just fly past. That's just black. I'm just explode on the floor in front of him. He's just covered in blood.

Oh, okay. I'll be the judge now, I guess. explode on the floor in front of him, he's just covered in blood. Oh, Oh, okay, I'll be the judge now, I guess. Whoa, someone just dropped like, it's like a thousand cans of tomato sauce. Oh, okay, 9.8. Pike position is good. I'm gonna judge, but other than that, it's just a Russian judge behind him. Yeah,

four. But instead, what we're getting is a doorway or window or something where he can look into heaven. Yeah. Heaven, you walk through a commercial for Irish spring soap and then your heaven. Heaven is just on the left there. Why is heaven always running in a field? We have fields here. Why aren't you playing live action Metroid, find a tarot act of the rings of Saturn Saturn fucking yourself in your own ass with your gigantic three jointed dick. No fields. You want fields running? I hate running and I hate all those kids. I can tell they're sticky from here. Heaven. Oh, honey. You had a popsicle, huh?

heaven. Oh, honey, you had a popsicle, huh? On the back of your head. No, you get on the back of your head. Jesus. Why am I touching the back of this kid's head? It doesn't matter because you're making heaven your own. That's why. God. I didn't judge your heaven when it was sad and the parodactyls. I'm moving on very quickly. So yeah, and he wants to make sure that his- I want to fuck a shy. It's two. I'm going for a super cut. Ha ha ha ha.

The end of the year. All right. Is that to tech? No more. Well, we got to get, we got to get like a cool calling card. The ladybug pin is taken. What do we get? Yeah. I can have a par get, we got to get you like a cool calling card. The ladybug pin is taken. What do we get? I can have a peredaq to pay. There you go. Peredaq Dawn sat on nailed it. Yeah. So he makes sure that his daughter forgives him for letting

her get murder raped, which I guess she does. And then he heads back down the path where Jesus is skipping the stones. Alla Reggie white. Why can no one ever skip stones? It's not really that hard to do. I'm not an athletic dude, but I know that like pool that's throwing rocks into the water. And look, that's fun too. I'm not saying you can't enjoy throwing rocks into water. It's just not skipping stones. So, so, it really think comes down and

turns to Jesus and he's like, yeah, let's thanks for letting me see my murder daughters. Like, yeah, at least I could do it. He's like, yeah, no, it literally is the very least that the magical, I'm nippin' in person could do. But yeah, thanks anyway. Thanks for letting me listen to my dead daughter's podcast. And then he wants to go lake walking some more. They do. They do. I left way too long here. Theater hated me. They probably hated us already, but yeah. No, this is where I lost it. Like there was a couple of times where I had to hold it back. This time I was like, oh, fuck it. Cause it might as well just be alone, running along to talk about my best friend.

I mean, it's so ridiculous. I would have loved a montage of romantic top of water stuff, like a tandem bike together. Yeah. Trying to get nice green coat on top of the water. You got a bunch of shopping bags all of a sudden. What's going on? What's going on? a montage. He comes out in robes. He's like, uh, uh, he comes out all crucified. Come on. Comes out as an Arabic guy. Yeah. Turns to a mermaid.

Big mistake. And then he heads back to the cabin where God's just chilling and catching some sun. Apologizes to God for getting all mad about the murder rape. He does. He's like, yes, sorry, I got all worked up about you guys inventing murder and rape and murder raving my daughter. Yeah. No worries. Only happens all the time, like all the time.

And now he just went Australian for this scene by the way. They might as well just ask Eli to play crocodile dundee in the next movie. And then he and the Trinity head out to a field together because the wisdom scene wasn't stupid enough. He's gonna have a God vision. Well, and he's gonna use God, like they give him a God viewfinder so he can see the way God sees with light and color.

Okay, I think we just call that vision. That's what we call that. Light lights the visible light spectrum. That's vision, that's seeing. Everybody does that you can't not see things that way. Yeah, shitty job, God. I've done salvia. I win. Yeah, right.

Yeah, but to God, apparently everybody looks like they were running out of CGI budget. I mean, it looks like a blurry view of a light bright as seen by an ant. It's just multic multi colored light people. What a fuck not. Okay. But these are all the dead people's souls or whatever, all 106 dead people in the history of the universe. And one of the light people is walking towards them.

And wouldn't you know what? It's the daddy rat poison to death. It's his dad and they beat each other in the field and he's like Mackenzie. And I wanted to just beat the shit out of him and come back. Guys, that was so much better than seeing my daughter. I like to touch him. That you have no idea how good that felt. I'm bigger than him now.

It's awesome. Who's hungry? No, but instead he forgives his light dad and light dad forgives him too. And now they're both light. Squaresies. I really wanted them to run into like Muslim God doing the same thing here on this light field.

Oh, did you guys have the field of dead light people now? Like, yeah, man, we have like look on your trello. And like, you know, come on. And like deer pops its head in a bunch of dead deer coming in at two, three. Yeah, it's two twenty eight, interrupting deer. They just turned to a Muslim guy big mistake. Missy and I each just start making friends. You got raped. Oh my God. They were white people now.

So God says, let's go home and I says don't tease me movie because we're not even fucking close. And then he wakes up and there's an old Indian dude standing over him. Yeah. Because you know what? I was worried this movie wouldn't get racist enough and they were like, hey, hey, hey, we haven't had the most stereotypical looking Native American guy in the movie yet. And I feel like Octavia Spencer's really said all the offensive black things we can have.

Unoffensive black actress say. I was very confused by the scene. Like I thought I was like, first I was like, oh, is this the dad whose daughter jumped to her death? I'm going to address that. And then I'm thinking like, okay, did they double book the apologetics cabins? What's going on? You're not running bare. Talk to him. Oh, you're running long, aren't you?

Guys, there's a calendar. Use the Google Doc. Dear pops and said, and don't even talk to you at your starting. So yeah, so but apparently this is also God. Octavia Spencer is a shape shifter and and he she says, you know, you're gonna need a father for what you have to deal with today. Lady genitals just wouldn't cut it for this. Yeah, so like, yeah, they also had to throw a little sexism in with a race. I'm like, why would you? Why would that make sense unless God needed to penetrate with a penis or piss on him from a lateral distance?

How else would God not having a vagina help in this moment? Bone density. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah, she would walk faster. Okay. They've got a wrestling tournament to get to. No.

Okay, so from here on, my note just as, oh, God, it never ends from here on. For like a fucking the shining level amount of times. Oh, God. So they go to this healing trail, which by the way, I'm going to start calling people on a healing trail about everything. So get ready for that. All right. And they they discover the child molester, right? And I wanted so badly for them to just beat the shit out discover the child molester, right? And I wanted so badly for them to just beat the shit out of the child molester to all star by smash mouth. This is why I needed to be an Indian guy now. This just comes in from heaven with the elbow drop,

like you. You'd forgive this entire movie if that's how it ended. Oh, yes. Like, he just wakes up in a cabin when it's over. Ah, next to like a bloody stump of a dude. Oh, the spirit really did it. That's a great ending to this movie. They don't do that, but that is the best thing. They really should have talked to us.

They do the opposite because Native American guys like, okay, it's time to forgive your daughter's murder rapist. He's like, I don't want to forgive the murder. Is it kept to say it out loud? I forgive the mumble. You mumble doesn't count. You have to say it. God damn it.

So, yeah, so he forgives the ladybug. That's what he actually forgives is a ladybug that represents the rapist, I guess. And then they have to break into his daughter's burial chamber, I guess, because that's where the triforce is, ah, your daughter's rotting corpse, just what we needed to help you psychologically heal. Oh, I missed a good part here. This is where I got up and went to the bathroom. And I was half as I walked into the ladies room for a second. It I was half asleep. It took me way too long to realize there were no urinals. It's like I back, back out. It was really awkward. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it. It's all right. Trump's trying to do something about that. Um, so yeah. So as part of his healing, they now want him to pick up his daughter's corpse. She might come up in pieces. So be careful and carry it down a trail while holding it under his nose. Right. And they wrap her in a shroud and I wrote my notes great. Now Missy's face is going to be on the shroud. We were going to be magic.

So you debunk it in the 90s, but assholes will still send you Google images of it. This is where I came back in. I was hoping she turned into a sheep. I walked in and he's crying. Like all the white. It's like back kick him and run away. Okay, you've started over. So he gets down the mountain with his festering stinking corpse

and then they have a new second burial for her. I guess that's what Jesus was making. It wasn't a shelf turned out to be a daughter coffin. How long was he making that? Like she comes in four months ago and she was like, Jay, dog, I need you to stop that table. I need to make another baby call. Yeah. I don't like your tone.

I don't like your tone. I tell you what, you want to stop making baby coffins? Maybe we stop letting kids, kids get raped. Oh, I didn't say that. Oh, whoa. Butterflies are ducks. Butterflies are ducks. Ducks.

So they have their burial. And of course, because I felt, I guess they felt like something from the first act had to connect to something from the third act. They have Sariu Dump, all the tears into his grave, into the grave of the little girl. So now he's good. If they started singing rent, this movie would be perfect. 520 but not appropriate, sir. I felt that moment wrong.

And then of course, once they get done, Barry and her a big fake look in CGI tree grows out of her grave all stupid. It's so stupid. Because of the tears, right? Yeah, I guess. So crying is. So stupid because of the tears, right? Yeah, I guess so crying is good because if you save the tears, they come in handy when you bury the corpse of your dead daughter and need quickly blooming things, that's the right like a butterfly tree because that's what it is, right?

The tree opens up and butterfly start blooming out of it. Oh, for fuck's sake, my my tears if I can make a butterfly. That'd be cool. So now he's drinking tea with God and Jesus in the movie still isn't fucking over. I wrote, oh God, they're going to try and sell him a time here. That's so how this plays. Okay, now it's time for the hard sell. But actually they kind of are though, because then this is

where he has to decide whether he wants to go to heaven or go back to being alive. Yeah. And okay, apparently it was just me looking over the notes, but I was like, you should you should stay. You should stay. Your life isn't great. You should stay. Well, I mean, this is such an easy fucking choice, right? Like, okay, we're talking about eternity in heaven. You should say, I mean, this is such an easy fucking choice, right? Like, okay, we're talking about eternity in heaven. You're going to fuck up your way for what? A couple decades at most versus eternity. This is stupid. This is the easiest choice. And would you like to never suffer again? Let me think about it. Let me think about it. No, grab some holy spirit, boob. Come on.

Chris Ben, while walks past hold on though. We can get back here whenever you want. I'm just saying bring your family. Yeah. Yeah, but he decides to go home because this is a stupid movie for stupid people about stupid things. And also God says, okay, when you get there, can you fix Kate? She's still all fucked up about the daughter rape too. And probably should have had to bring

her to the cabin, honestly, but. Oh, they also have the whole bit where they talk like the three headed night from Holy Grail. Yeah. So now, okay. So now we need him to wake up. Okay. So in this movie, movie seems to be hedging its bets on when he was unconscious rate. This guy has gone unconscious several times in this movie, slipped on the ice, almost got hit by the truck, he fell in the cabin or whatever,

but the movie can't decide when this happens. So they make him drive home and get hit by the same semi a different time. Uh, I wanted him to like show shop and like wake up in the cabin and they're like, fuck, Mac, back already. Yeah. How was your 10 minutes back in life? Oh, God.

I'm going to come on. Let's go dig up some. You didn't have to believe what happened to your other daughter. I know. Don't take vacations is one would think you would become more careful, but you know. So yeah. So now he wakes up in the hospital and it was all a dream and he never even made it to

the shack and Sam Worthington turns to his buddy and he's like, wow, that'd be crazy disappointing if this was a movie, huh? We made a whole thing pointless, stupid. And then the family comes running in. And he has to tell his wife about his dream because no one else is obligated to listen. Right. By the Eli roll. And she believes him. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. The guy who wrote this movie should have to fuck us all now. That's how this was. That's all this was. Absolutely. I need to fuck Sam. I don't think he wrote it. Go fun. Me. I don't. Go fun. Me.com. Don't crush my dreams. Go fun. Me.com. Forward slash Eli. Fuck Sam. We're the. So take the survey guys. So the daughter lurks in like I said, the whole family comes running, but the daughter

is like staying at the edges of the room like a dog that knows you're still pissed at him or something. And he needs, and she's like, oh, I need a little alone time with Kate. And the family leaves and he goes, it's not your fault that your sister was murder raped and she's like, a fucking corset iset is in that god why would you even say that i mean she shouldn't have stood up on the boat like that's not a safe if your brother and that would be all her like if the brother and i'd

the misdirection for the child right just like the things there are consequences for actually i just i feel like the whole we're really giving out free passes here. I'm not ready. I just if your kid died, it's kind of your fault. That's all I've ever wanted to say. This is our final episode.

You can wrap that point in like 12 episodes in a row. It's amazing. I don't know how you keep doing this. How you keep doing this. And then so does he keep doing that? He's a magician. And then the V.O. cuts into rap things up for us because we're almost done. And basically the V.O.

I was like that afternoon, Mac bore his wife with this shit for hours. And oh, by the way, this movie would be narrated by the main character if he was better at the American accent, but holy shit. Guys, a goddamn idiot. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was narrating it. Oh, God, I wish she was And I love to. Okay. So now think about what actually happened here, right? Because this was like, this was, you know, based on true story, whatever. So this guy got hit by a truck

after his daughter died and he starts telling his wife about this dream for hours or whatever. And, and I realized, oh my God, this lady told him to write a book for the exact same reason my wife told me to start a podcast. There's an affinity here. Yeah. Sitting outside a grocery store and another thing, you know who would love to hear this? Everyone but me. It's, yeah. I'll even do it.

I'll even do a part on it. Just literally. I'll buy you the microphone and everything. I swear, I really will. Yeah. And then we have to go down the list of all like his wife believed him because she so dumb, she calls God, Papa and all the people in church believed in two because they're self selected for stupidity. Now I'm sure there's some folks who doubt

this story because their assholes, the end. And there's this final shot. And I had this rather poignant moment where there's this final shot of him and his kids finally at the lake one last time and then like on it. And I was like, you know, weird how like in Jesus people movies, they always end up like normal dudes on links and in science people movies, we always like cure cancer and go to the moon. Like they do know that curing cancer and going to the moon is better. I don't think being a great dad, right? I honestly don't think they would agree with you if you set it. Oh, I love their, they're like spinning top in this movie too, right? Like the very end. So he goes to like step onto the water is like, and Mac even wonders sometimes if he can still walk in the water and they

show his foot go to the water, but then the movie ends right before. So you don't know. Oh, I wanted so bad for him to step off the dock and just smash his head on the side and then his wife gets kidnapped. The Shaq, too. Okay, here's what I see. Clinically depressed suicidal guy who refuses psychological help steal the truck, Rex set has a drug-induced fever dream and wakes up thinking as magic powers where but religion would we be celebrating that story

burning man okay yeah well done well done it's more it's more yuppie now though anyway all right so i feel like we can close off with an obvious question when we get that crazy billionaire money and we do our remake of the shack, who plays the Trinity? Oh, uh, Eddie Murphy. All three.

A little person, Patrick Stewart and Alexis Texas. All right. I like that one too. Both are better. And while that's going to do it for our review of the shack, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to tease you for next week. So Eli, tell us, what's on deck?

The Becoming. Where the fuck did you find us by now? It's a Christian Vampire Zombie Action movie. And honestly, I just skipped through it and read around a little bit. It looks pretty amazing. I'm pretty excited. Yeah. I skimmed through it just a little bit. They spent less money making this movie than I spent watching the shack. I also skipped around. And every single time I see like five or six spots I skipped to, it was literally clipping.

The audio was clipping every single time I said to the show. Oh, no, no. Fuck. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 82 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode.

You can also help us ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic credible on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written performed by Ryan Slatt, Nick Lievle, Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark with help of course from Eli and Anna Bosnick on the podcast.study song. And if you'd like to help Eli for making a laugh out loud enough to embarrass yourself in public, remember that's podcast.study and it takes five minutes completely anonymous. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right the Eli Bosnick

on No Illusion's Promise in the Work Hard for Tornin' On The Chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Sam Worthington died while trying to do improv with an entire bag of skittles in his mouth. Tim McGraw eventually did win an I Heart musical war. That polyamorous fuck cottage was very confused by the visit from that stranger. I want that movie.

Like he just leaves and they're like, oh fuck we must have got it! We got out! Oh, good! Alright, everybody, odds are even. Got him back on. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved. podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017 all rights reserved.