God Awful Movies - 83: GAM083 The Becoming

Episode Date: March 21, 2017

On this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of "The Becoming", which we're pretty sure was meant as a movie. With candle-based lighting, wet microphones, sarcastic scoring, and 'free with the unlimited plan' cameras, this series of scarcely coherent scenes competes for the worst film we've ever reviewed. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

It's just go to one bar one time learn one thing about one thing in your movie And then everyone turns into a zombie we're on zombies now Those are different right? Zombies are not the same as vampires are they? I feel like a four different pieces of shit all tried to make four different shitty movies And then they all got together for drinks and they were like do you have a quarter of a movie? Oh my god I've got a God awful movie Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be media left is my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who doesn't make enough regular movies, the cast of you porn movies. They should do

that. This is fun. That's what we got. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Good, confused, aroused, tired, sleepy. I think I might know why here, but just to be official here, tell us what will we be breaking down today? We watched the becoming and I have no idea what happened. I just, I don't know what happened. As vampires, this is sort of, that's all I got. Yeah. Just, just, what? Yeah.

We watched a suggestion from Matt. That was it. Yeah. Thank you. Slash. Fuck you. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love fast forwarding through episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but you hate how little stock footage of space they have. I like those things. I do not like this movie. Maybe not. Maybe not. We've got some pushback for the first time on the well, if you love. Now, I actually managed to obtain a document from David Kaye Johnston that shows the actual line items for this movie's budget. And I thought I'd share a few of them with you after

a rambling 48 minute A block or just right now. See how easy that was Rachel just right now. All right. So here it is under under wardrobe, we have $28 worth of count, Chocula. Apparently, that's where they got the plastic teeth for their vampires. Smart way to do that. Yeah. No, Angie, you get all that count, Chocula too. So you got craft services taken care of. Okay.

So under audio, we have $82 for 10 cans full of wet paydye hose to record audio through and get an overcharged. What did I use for a mic? And under craft services here, $3,200 in power bars and $450 worth of meth. Again, that would make a lot of these performances. Really? Ring true. Yeah.

I'll say under set design, there's just a $114 hot topic receipt and under cameras, it just says free with unlimited family plan. So that was interesting. I know you guys had a chance to peruse this as well. Were there any other line items you found interesting? Um, I just had one. At some point, they definitely spent about $500 for what I'm assuming is called enormous chrome chain.

At this point. Like, this is, it's crazy. Like for anchoring a cruise ship, that's shaped like a giant pickup truck. It's so, it might as well be diamond plated and have like metal testicles hanging off of it. It's ridiculous. I had $40 makeup to bribe that extra from Buffy

to stay in makeup. Special effects free. Didn't my nephew do a great job. Yeah. And under lighting, I had none. It will be fine. Yeah. I mean, when he said we watched the becoming, I'm like, well, you were really redefining

the word watched now, aren't we? I read a lot of subtitles. That's where I got most of my information about this movie. Yeah, not. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would. I would best worst prostitute symmetry. Yeah. So two of the main characters are prostitutes. Main. I mean, so two of the main characters are prostitutes. Main, well, yeah, the main characters. Yep, sure.

Okay, well, yeah, no idea. Two of the main characters. This is where you challenge me. Who would you say the protagonist is? The Empire teeth. That's good argument can be made. Yeah, no, but so there's two prostitutes in it. And one is attractive, right?

I mean, one's pretty attractive. Sure. And they clearly blew their budget on like fucking her because the other one looks like Danny Trejo in a dress. It's not good. I think that's not a nice thing to say about Mr. Trejo. He seems to be very nice. Machete in a dress.

That would be fun. Yeah. No one would be that would be part four. I'm going to go with best worst swearing. This is a movie about accepting God and calling everyone motherfucker and equally, equally 100% equally. Yeah. I mean, this was a Christian movie sort of in the sense that dogma was a Christian movie.

I don't want to put those two that movie, sort of in the sense that dogma was a Christian movie. I don't want to put those two that movie and this movie in the same bucket. Of course, but yeah, it was only a Christian movie in the vagus sense of the term. I'm going to go with best worst audio. Now, that is a huge statement to make from a guy who's watched multiple episodes of vultures of horror, but in this film, every line is uttered in some bizarre contradictory quantum superposition of being too loud and too quiet at the same time.

Right? I mean, you could just barely hear everybody, but they're clipping. And then at the same time, virtually every scene is drowned out by a discordant soundtrack that sounds like a horror movie preview is fucking an out of tune harps a chord through broken speakers. I adjusted the volume so many times watching this movie that my Apple TV was like, just stop. Cut it out. Lee, it's a bad, there's nothing I can do.

Just relax. Shreed the words and relax. Holy shit. Well, obviously we're all dying to put this one behind us, so we'll keep the break brief and when we come back we'll break down all the inaudible vampire diaries cosplay that is. The Becoming. You took a survey for us and when we make a promise we'll keep it. Except for those times we'd skip to crack but fuck you this time we'll sweep it.

Old Heath has got some fuckin' ado but those who took the survey. And for those of you who don't get this joke this is gonna seem modestly pervay. It's a fuck-tor Fuck-tor! Heat is on a fuck-tor, fuck-tor Fuck-tor! Hey, yeah, it's me. Thanks for taking the survey. Oh, oh you were joking Okay, well then can I use your bathroom? I've been driving for like forever and I'm pretty sure I have a UTI now long trip. Fucktore!

Fucktore! We've received thousands of responses, and for that we're incredibly grateful. And now just like we promised you, he will give out fucks by the plate foam. You answered questions about pets and teeth, even though you didn't like it So we said he's on a fuck tour but don't

Where are we fucking Mike did? It's a fuck tour Fuck tour! Heath is on a fuck tour Fuck tour Fuck tour! Ooh, is that a Casper mattress? Did you use our code?

No? I-I know, it's fine. I mean, we have a code, but whatever. Fucked door! Fucked door! He's on another fucking fuck door! Fucked door! And with a huge thanks to Morgan, Eli, and Anna for the music and heath for powering through all that chafing, I wanted to take one minute to make an exciting announcement.

As of today, Dietribe's volume 2, 50 more essays from a scathing atheist is available to purchase as an e-book. Not only does this book contain 50 expanded essays featured on the scathing atheist, it also prevents zombie attack. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. Not only that, but much would you pay? But don't answer yet. You have the right to remain silent.

Because you'll also be getting some of the hottest chapter intros ever written. Warning, hot chapter intros may cause scalding. So check the link on the show notes for this episode and get your copy of Dietrius Volume 2 50 More Essays from a Skailing Atheist today. Dietrius Volume 2 is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, prevent any disease. Thy tribe's volume 2 might be harmful or fatal if swallowed. Do not twentour tea's happy fun ball.

Thy tribes are intended for entertainment purposes only and do not constitute an attorney-client relationship. Pfft. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off this flick with a bunch of rowdy pixels coming a fucker thup in 2015. Uuuh. This is what I call some mother fucking credits. Oh my God. This is the closest credits can come to raping you.

Take that normal movies. Also, and we're going to talk a lot about the music or maybe we're not, because there's nothing to say about this, whoever did the music for this finds a note. He likes and sticks with it. But the music is all cadence, right? Like every note is the last note of a symphony. Anyway.

Yeah. My music note here was the orcs are fucking as hard as they say. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like the tabernacle choir, just all eight, like meth brownies by accident. Yeah. And also, if you're reading these credits, you better do it. meth brownies by accident. That's singing. They go now. Yeah. And also, if you're reading these credits, you better do it.

Fucking quick. There's also really quick. There's a title card that pops up for like one frame. Like it's a title of dirt and it just says, dumbass, human rights, as we go. And like you, that's it. You could not see it unless you like stopped. It's ridiculous.

So then we cut to some stock satellite footage with an astronaut and we get some science words. Oh yeah, there's nuclear radiation all over the moon's crust. What? Was it not Johnny Carson the astronaut? Was that it? Yeah, right. Very very clearly like 300 percent nuclear activity on the moon's outer crust it's really weird and then Darth Vader is the other voice I don't know why. But then we cut to a dog barking in the middle of the night something must be up. Okay, just really quick.

So far the audio is terrible. The lighting is terrible. And a dude just sat up straight in bed when he woke up. Like 50, 50, no as smash just laughed up with the hammer. I'm looking at his laptop now. I don't think he did unless he got a new one, but I was pretty sure that I'm having something with a hammer at this point. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a bunch of laptops that he just keeps under his bed, puts the smash one. I did another one. Get some in six packs at Costco. I did another one, get them in six packs at Costco.

Correct. It out of that plastic that kills ducks. So my note here, and this is a common note throughout this thing is, oh, good. It's pitch black. I was afraid I was going to watch this movie. You can vaguely tell that there's dogs and a person walking towards a window or a sliding glass door.

And those dogs, by the way, are the best actors in the film. They look concerned. They go where they're supposed to. Their parks are audible. Yeah, well, that's the big thing. Yeah, exactly. He definitely got some professional dogs. It's hard.

So long to say. And then the main character who is the guy from Portlandia, right? I wasn't able to see anything else except that actor. I kept, I'm a little guy like that's what I expected the entire time. He wakes up and because his dogs are barking, he goes to check outside. Whereupon a monster choke grabs him and he wakes up from that dream. Oh God, this was so frustrating. There is going to be so much of just me ending a sentence going, I want to warn you in advance,

trigger warning a lot of coming in this episode. Yeah. Probably also what happened in the writing of this movie just like, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. I guarantee be fine. The characters to the zombies. I guarantee you occasionally the stage direction was just in brackets in the script. Yeah. So anyway, so he wakes up and and then we have to go meet his family in the kitchen because it's a family. They're eating cinnamon toast crunch. And I'm going to go out and a limb here and say this was not an official sponsor situation. I feel like cinnamon toast crunch and I'm going to go out and all him here and say this was not an official sponsor situation. I feel like cinnamon toast crunch did not want a piece of this movie.

Well, I got to say, if you can't have fun watching kids eat cereal, this isn't the movie for you. Apparently, oh god, my notes are all just fuck you for this audio. Eli, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I'll do a control app and change it to Matt, but still. Um, but yeah, so dad's got a big bonus and he's going to take the whole family camping. Camping? You got a big bonus.

They have a nice house. They like don't they have a Mercedes? Yeah. You take the family like fly to Stod. You cheap fuck. No, he's going to splurge in that LL bean catalog. Fuck cash his bonus check at Eastern mountain sports fuck you. Don't worry kids this year went well who wants to sleep on the ground.

Yeah. Right. And also they have two kids a son and a daughter. One is an albino Swedish girl. The other is a Mexican kid. They got it. The border. Yeah, but like he was eating his way through Trump's wall. Not a thin child. No, he looks like Mexican Danny DeVito as a child. He's like Ben from the kid does his name is Danny actually. Yeah, no it is. Yeah, no, no, no. Also, by the way, another fun game of name that race in this scene. Yeah.

Dad, what do you guys think? Like half Turkish, half gay surfer. Is that a race? That's a surfer. Half. How about half Tanneror half milk dud. Wow, I don't even know how to respond to that. So now we cut to a chick on a cell phone and a car, and she's like distracted. Oh, and at the same time, the family that we just met, the little girl is skipping across the road to get the mail so innocent as the distracted girl drives up. I wonder what'll happen. And the girl in the phone is like seriously, I am done with this relationship. I'm so mad I could accidentally run over a little girl. The first thing that happens, yeah, they show this lady in the car talking

on the phone and it's like a five second just like burst of exposition. She's like says so many things as fast as she can about this. Like,'s like a five second, just like, first of exposition. She's like, says so many things as fast she can about this. Like, tied if you're lying, lipstick on your collar, you hit my friends, HPV toilet seat, God. You've explained everything we need to know. Good. Damn it. We shouldn't have told her she could have all the lines that fit in five

seconds. Yeah. That bitch wasn't going to be an under five. And by the way, this, that little girl would have been just fine. If she hadn't gotten the mail and then presented it to her parents as the link had just gotten a heart piece, you know, I got the mail. Let me hold it up in the road to prove it to you. Wait, let me lie down with my head right where tires would be. That's the best way to see mail. And then she, uh, so the little girl gets hit.

And I say that, okay, here's what we see. We see the lady in the car breaking with her enormous flip phone. It's like two VCRs with a hinge. We could possibly see what that thing is like Noah's laptop. And then, and then we get letters flying up in the air. And then we see the little girl lying bloodlessly on the ground. Yeah.

Now, important, safety information that you gather from this movie, when you hit a kid with your car, immediately get out of the car and shake the fuck out of that kid, shake him awake. That's important. You can't die while you're awake. That's a scientific fact. No, you can't actually while you're awake. That's a scientific fact. No, you can't actually. You're right. It's the music at this part was fucking fantastic. Also, first she gets hit and you see the

male fly up in the air and slow motion. So they do the gospel choir while that's happening. And then all of a sudden it's just like, like violins getting mass murdered when they show that it's the whole soundtrack to this movie is like that. You know that that they put into a horror movie previews constantly now. It's that. It's just that over and over again drowning out the actors. I wonder what the score looks like for that. It is that it is sarcastically scored. The best way to describe it is sarcastically scored. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Like someone pissed off Brian. I mean, this is just Brian doing badly. Brian up until midnight being like, I'll show those motherfuckers. So then Portlandia dude takes out his phone, calls 911 and says, and I quote, my daughter just got run over. Yeah. It does.

Literally, he says, and they kept it. daughter just got run over. Yeah. It does literally. He says, and they kept it. I really wanted to see like the 911 dispatcher at our office, just like almost laugh. And like for Fred next door, like, puncher, like stop, stop. Come on. You just don't. You come on. It's dead girl. Don't. And then a flying bird later, we cut to this little girl's funeral where a man who has never heard English phonetically sounds out this fucking eulogy based on Eli's transcript of it.

So, so wait, there was a day where they were like, okay, so who's going to play the priest and they were like, I don't know, someone who speaks English? No. He just Christ and he's angels look after Stephanie. Also, it very important to eat there. She punched the time car. She was there at three o'clock. Okay, look, Stephanie, we know you weren't there. I feel racist for correcting you, but we both know Stephanie was there at three o'clock. I feel like you're racist too. So yeah, so dad's extra sad at the funeral.

Although I will say, you know, compared to the Reggie White funeral, this thing went at a pretty good take, a pretty good, a pretty good crowd showed up for this one. They were all dressed appropriately. And so some old guy walks up to the dad while he's grieving by the side of the grave and says, here somebody wants you to have this or whatever and hands him a cross, a giant cross. And giant, like comically large cross. It might as well be, like, it might as well still have Christ of Nazareth attached to it. We're on the back. He's trying to load it in the car using that kick the foot

under the car trick and like, oh, turn it on its side. Nope. It's too wide. Yeah, but he doesn't want it. He throws it away and that's where all the trouble really begins because then the priest picks it up and suddenly Charlton Heston's monkey crush is behind a grave. So good. Just like,

$3 vampire costume pops up behind the graves. It like might as well be holding a participation ribbon from a costume party. Like, so stupid. And this, I guess the vampire. Yeah, let's just say vampire. Does the like like I'm attacking now face that like open mouth like hang in the air for a second, attacking three, two,

one, bite you and then like bites the the priests ass. Well, okay, we all have in here that this guy was clearly getting rimmed. We all have it on our notes. I had rusty trombone, but like, yeah, yeah, you figure, reach around, you know, it's cursy. I don't even know what the people who made this movie want us to think the vampire did. Like in their did she bite his ankles? Why did she vanish behind him? Yeah. Okay. So what we see is the priest from the shoulders up. The vampire comes up behind him and then ducks down and disappears. And then he has a look on his face like he's getting his asshole licked. So yeah, I feel like then too hot for YouTube version of this movie was way better.

Uh, anyway, so so meanwhile, as the priest is getting attacked by the vampire, dad is walking away. But the distracted daughter killer is chasing him down telling him, she's really, really sorry about that whole killing his daughter. Like with a very inappropriate tone, like super, super, super like totes Apollo, like that she spilled his beer. Yeah. Exactly. Hey, man, sorry, real quick.

Uh, sorry, I killed your daughter. All right, TTYL. Yeah. And dad's not buying this shit. He's like, like, I feel like you should have to invite me to a shack at least. I mean, this is, you're not even trying. So the dad runs off and the priest shows up and hands the girl the evil vampire crucifix. I guess the priest is now a demon vampire or something. We'll never say again. And now she's a bad guy. It's like, it's like demonic tech.

But when he hands it to her, she goes like, ow, it's the best performance average. It's like, nah, ah, you're too much. Cram. Also, this makes a rattlesnake sound at this point.

Oh, whenever anyone turns evil in this movie, they go, yep, it's incredible. We also know that Tina, this girl is evil now because she spends about 10 minutes evil smiling directly at the camera. Yeah, that was a little weird. Again, especially for a character that we're barely ever going to see again. And now we're going to head to a tattoo parlor to meet a bunch of characters, only two of whom will survive this scene, but we're going to spend some time with them. Okay, and this, this is extremely racist by now, right? I mean, you got the liquor store, a tattoo shop, a black escalade, and rap music, and then a scene that's introducing evil white

people. That's what happening here. It's going to be clear. Yeah, I just want to say that this, this scene very clearly takes place because everyone involved in this film when they weren't making this movie works at this tattoo parlor. That is why we have a scene there. Yeah, Yeah. No, this screams like, oh, yeah, no, and I can get some buddies of mine from the gym. Yeah. That was the whole fucking thing. So we open up on a guy in a wheelchair who's asking, and this is, I guess, their effort at humor. He's asking for a single piercing that goes through his eyebrow, nose, nipple, and dick. Yep. That's funny. This is what follows when a director tells his wacky

friend to wing it. Yes. Yeah. Well, right, right. Exactly. And it's all set up for the big. Yeah. Okay. I don't know why, but it feels like they wrote the movie around this monologue. They were like, Holy shit. Do the thing where you talk about the like nose nipple penis thing? We're going to we'll make like two hours around either side of it. It's fine. So and this is also where we meet the blonde Brooklyn sex line advertisement chick, you know, who is kind of hot and everything. But then she says, call me and you're like, no, I don't want to talk to you. Oh, yeah, you know what I'm doing now? No, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't want to know. Press two to talk to a Pagapagot cool. So we're gonna be to her. I will press two.

Oh God, the fucking Carl the Pagapagot corn sex line. Yeah, that has to happen. That's gonna happen. Patreon goal people. Yeah, we'll say yeah, and just my cell phone, we can make it. I know. I gotta take it. I got to take this. Someone wants to jerk off to a pucker packer corn. Yeah, well, we don't talk about how much we hate women. So this is what we got to do.

All right. So we meet this chick and methodicted Anton Shiger. And meanwhile, trying his damnedest to look badass guy gets out of his escalate and heads inside. Meanwhile, she's a fucking movie. A shaved tattoo bear man is talking with that same blonde Brooklyn chick about his nightmares about the apocalypse. Yeah, he's just, he's basically like, yeah, by the way, I should point out, he is the first of many characters in this movie that right before they die, we'll be like, you know, last night, I dreamed the world would end, gets killed. Like that is, that will happen half a dozen times throughout this fucking movie. It is nuts. Yeah. And I'm American vultures of horror. It really is. Okay. So, and I get when you're doing a vampire movie or a demon movie, zombie movie, whatever the

fuck this is, you know, you need to see and wear like the vampires eat a bunch of people and fuck a bunch of people up, but you don't need that every 15 minutes with brand new characters that we introduce and then kill off. And unfortunately that information is getting to the filmmakers a little too late. Oh yeah. So all right. So yeah, so then the blonde chick turns into a vampire and kills the bare man. And then the method addicted Anton Shiger guy also turns into a vampire and fights with the escalate guy.

Yeah. And this is where he calls him a bitch, right? Yeah. Yeah. This was such an upsetting movie. He's like, so he grabs a bat, right? Mm-hmm. He's fighting a vampire. And the vampire guy goes, my name is Nemesis. I'm here to enslave all mankind. And the other guy goes, literally oh, yeah, well, stay away from me before I fuck you up. To which the other guy says, then you'll die. I'm like, none of these sentences go together. You're talking, yeah.

Yeah. So he tries to hit Nemesis with his baseball bat, but Nemesis is doing that pussy, Raiden teleporting trick. That is not the only Raiden power that we'll get in this movie, by the way. No. A lot of stuff is definitely his favorite mortal combat guy. Yeah. That's a real mortal combat influence in this film. Clearly. And then after he kills the guy, he, they run away super duper fast but they make the cartoons running away noise that drum roll like. Every time the vampires run they will make a like wily coyote getting ready to run as fast as he can noise it is fucking nuts.

And again, if they were going for comedy here, okay, great. Yeah, that's the right sound effect. I can't imagine that they were. No, they were not. So now we cut back to space for the exact same public domain shot of a satellite. And it's the same fucking scene, right? Because the astronaut guy is going like, moon looks weird. And the radio goes, this is NASA. Do you see the anomaly and he goes? Did you just say this is NASA? I like like if he's though that was a guy I mean, I know that the person radioing me while I'm on this space station is gonna be from NASA anyway, yeah

And now we're gonna get what may be the most bizarre scene in the entire movie. Okay. So the girl this scene. So fucking weird. So the girl who hit the who is driving and hit the little girl before were at her house at her apartment rather and her boyfriend is coming over to make up with her for all of the HPV toilet seat stuff.

Real quick, can we talk about the area right next to her front door? Because this is an interesting thing going on. The Hiccular Man's Letter Lady has a row of just terrifying creepy dolls lined up on barstools next to the front door chairs. High chairs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. Why? Why? What is that for? I guess there's one for creepy. I like again, that was part of the $114 hot topic receipt. So they go into the kitchen. She pulls a bowl of cake out of the oven with her bare hands. Think about how many parts of that sentence don't fit with the other parts.

It's nuts. She might as well have like a pudding in between two plates in the microwave. Like there's nothing about that scenario that's related to human beings. Yeah, no, right, right. Okay, so she cuts him a piece of cake and very conspicuously with him watching puts a razor blade in his cake slice. She like picks it up, like holds it up with like a monocle, flicks it with her finger, it makes ding, like so stupid. And also, okay, I mean, I got, you know, we have the whole Halloween thing, the, the, the myth about the razor blades and apples and stuff. But how do they think that works?

Right? Okay, because, because she hands him the cake. Okay, first of all, you've got to hope he gets a bite that gets the whole razor blade, right? Because if he gets halfway into the razor blade, you're fought, which is made far less likely by the fact that she hands him a fork, which would mean all likelihood. He would just be like, oh, there's a razor blade in here because the part that I cut had a razor blade in it with my fork.

Yeah. Is that egg shell? I'm going to eat it anyway. I guess. But he manages to get the one bite, he gets how the whole razor blade in it. So he puts it in his mouth. And he swallows the entire razor blade.

He just swallows the whole thing and then regurgitates it. He pulls it out of his mouth and then dies. And then dies in five seconds. Yeah, because razor blades are poison. Oh, I see. She plays the razor blade. I get you.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a poison razor blade. The best. Honestly, I would love, I don't usually want to talk to the people who've made our movies because they just have bad ideas. But I would love to talk to the writer of the movie just about writing this scene. I guarantee you I would be challenged to a fight within 10 seconds of that conversation.

So it's really easy to fuck up on the to lie, make fun of the bitch. You're a bitch. I think that's exactly what he'd say. Yeah. And as if this scene wasn't already amazing enough, now the girl goes to the mirror where the monkey vampire thing from Planet of the Apes shows up and tells her to slit her wrists and write the name of the movie on the mirror and wrist blood. So that happens. Oh, well, it does not happen. She's nicking sideways one of her wrists. And then it cuts away and she's done it correctly and is dead in the bathtub.

But honestly, when the way she does, because she's going across her wrist, the way she does it, she'd just be like, ow, ow. All right. That's a weird thing to be judgmental about. You're critiquing this movie. I'm pretty good for attention. She's succeeded. And if she succeeded, it would be her family's fault.

That's all I'm saying is all I just want to get that out there. Born rope boom. And now a middle aged woman is leaving her stately abode as the vampires comically run towards it. And I guess they need an HQ, right? They need like a vampire HQ. So and this is like the blonde chick and the dude from the tattoo parlor. And he says, Hey, you know, I just remembered I forgot to get smokes. Can you go in there and kill everybody?

I'm gonna literally, he's like, I have to run and grab some stuff from the store, you know, big metal chains, you know, dungeon equipment, some skulls from Halloween adventure. Can you head on into the house and kill everyone? Yeah, you're just grab a swiffer too and like some garbage bags, not to shoot like the force flex, get the force flex because the other one, you're going to rip, we have a lot of stuff to do in this house kitchen tall kitchen tall. So now we cut to a dark church where a priest is yelling not louder than the background music, but yelling.

And I guess he's, he dreamed about rubbing a boob so he wants God to kill him. Yeah, yeah, he's like, I dreamed of demonic acts and it flash cut to him just like motor boating a strong four over the shirt booby touching. Not even actually touching. And he begs God to kill him. His response is like, I don't want to do how

dare I almost get to second. So please take my life. Honestly, there aren't enough good Christian people killing themselves for dreaming about movies. Right. That's just by the way, my spell check wanted me to write dreaming about I wrote dreaming about movies. There is a spell check underline dreaming in context here. I was like, did you mean Dreaming about boobies? Dreaming? Is that a saying? Dreaming about boobies? Is that a song? To be fair, Google Drive is probably used to that from your bebop album that you've been working on for so long. Dreaming about boobies. That is the title of the album. So that's probably it. Yeah. So, but before God can kill this priest for him

Some people come in and put a pillowcase over his head because apparently the Vampires sent They needed a old priest. Okay, whatever fuck space space. Yep. And then back to the dead daughter couple. And of course dad sitting in his car drinking because drinking is a sign of having a dead kid. Mm hmm. Right. And Claudia, that's the wife's name. She does not speak English either. We started. No, it sounds like she's like, talk singing, phonetic syllables, she half memorized. And that's like, not just her, like, like one in three cast members is fluent in the English

language in this movie so far. Yeah. And the ones that are being forced to don't look like this or something like that. Yeah. Also, it is so clear that she is a male order pride. Like, I don't know who's, but she is someone's male order bride in this movie. You just tell this actress was just googling US divorce laws in Ukrainian in between every single shot of this film. Yeah, so in this is where she reveals that she knows that her husband actually has been

out of work for two months and lying to her and telling her that he's going to his job and she just can't take it anymore. So she kicks him out of the house. I wanted to say, Tannica, to pop up in his rear view, be like, kill yourself. And he just backs into the garage and closes the door. Say Tannica, by the way, is the weird monkey vampire. Yeah, you know that if you saw this movie and watch the subtitles and nothing else, yeah, right? Yeah, exactly. All right. So now we go back to space and we get a V.O. Because this movie is so sloppy. They're like, at this point, people are really going to need

to know what the fuck's going on. So let's distract them with an unrelated voiceover that tells us that. So good. Yeah. And okay, apparently it's been prophesized that an angel will come down to hook us up when the melodramatic vampire takeover happens. And that's what we're seeing now. He falls to the earth like a comment. It's so stupid though. Like a smoke angel gets shot out of a cannon that's on the moon toward earth.

Yes. Why would the angel be on the moon toward earth. Yes. Why would the angel be on the moon? What? That doesn't. And why would I have a clip full of angels behind a giant cannon? All right. There we go. Yeah, about eight and a half yards left.

If things get bad, I'll send twins through to cartwheels. You got so much going forward doing this boiler. Also, by the way, this angel has a lightsaber like angels do, but he only uses it once to cut off his wings. Oh, well, his wing his wing as far as I can say is he leaving the other one? Is he going to keep one went? What's's happening just flying in circles? I also realize this is basically what he said earlier. So much more of this movie makes sense. If it's a porn oh, that they just cut all the fucking out of.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I think they I think this was supposed to be a porn for half the shoot. And then they were like, hmm, no, real movie. And we'll just fix it. Well, I think what it is is they told all these girls they were doing a vampire movie, hoping it would turn into a porn. And they're like, fuck, I guess you got to tell them an advance or something. Yeah, they were real bitches about that. So now we cut to a gym so we can watch people box for a little while. And I guess, okay, so this is the angel guy comes into the gym wearing nothing but a Batman cape.

A painter's tarp, yeah. Or that. Yeah. And so this is where he has his like Arnold Schwarzenegger terminator give me your clothes moment. But he picks, okay, the guy playing the angel is a pretty big dude. moment, but he picks, okay, the guy playing the angel is a pretty big dude. And he's saying this to like a small for his age 15 year old. We're supposed to believe for the rest of this movie that this guy is wearing that kid's clothes. I wanted the next cut. Okay. So badly for him to just be like in a super duper tight t-shirt. And the top mid cap. And he's just like, I feel like this was a bad choice. I could have been a little more selective.

Maybe a gal. Ed Hardy really. So but while he's in there, change in his clothes or stealing his clothes, someone in the gym turns into a demon and kills everyone else in the gym. The demon by the way, who will be named Salvatore? Yeah. Yeah. Salvatore. That's one of the most reasonable, reasonable names we get. It really is. Salvatore who has Black Lady who works at Staples Nails. He's got like these giant, I wanted them to have like puppies drawn on them, like stand behind a counter. I know you see me, Salvatore.

I know you see me. And so we're there. By the way, we cut back to the angel. He's choking a child to death for his clothing. And this is what he says, mortal, I did not come here to hurt you. Again, as an angel, chokes a child to death. Those are the words he says. Well, he doesn't choke him to death.

We actually come back to that shot at the very end so that we can see that a he didn't quite kill the kid and b he left him as boxer. So the kid didn't have to go home naked at least. But before we can get to that, we have to have our angel demon fight. Oh my God. This is literally, this is so amazing. It is, I cannot emphasize this enough, it is just a shoved fight against that 100%. It's like they called only pushing before the fight started. This is how Keith and I would have handled the Coliseum. Oh, you just medium pushing. We said medium pushing seriously. You want me to fall down? You're going to die from falling down a year.

So can we get like 50 heavy bags in a grid in here? So they have the big shove fight. And then at the end, the angel wins, I guess. And then what is he? I don't because the demon still alive. I don't, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this scene. Um, he stabs him. He, he, he, he, he like has a sword, which we never seen. He's like, huh?

And then he stabs him and he's like, ah, but then that angelist or that demon rather is still there later running over. So yeah, who the fuck knows? Also, just one more time. You mentioned this. The scene ends with a child in his underwear convulsing. Now, there's a right way and a wrong way to show that. This is the wrong way.

Not tasteful. And now we're at a lighthouse where the vampires and demons can deliver more lines like 14 year olds at their first ren fair. It's like a vampire pep rally. It's really fun. I wanted some like vampire cheerleading stuff to happen. Oh, awesome. Like, burrr, it's cold out here.

There must be some Satan in the atmosphere. No, no, no, no, no, no. The principal comes out to give a speech. All right. Now, this is going to be a Satan in the atmosphere. No, no, no, no. The principal comes out to give a speech. All right. Now, this is going to be a good, clean fun. There was some drinking last time. And guys, honestly, you're all better than this. And so I guess what they're doing here, the priest that they kidnapped earlier, they're

going to bring him in, sacrifice him so that Satan can live in his body. But what is so amazing about this scene is that we get a incredibly long seven minute shot of the priest being like, Lord, let me resist their ways. Do not let me fall under that power while he wrestles with the two vampires in the back of the van, but it's it's literally just him being like with his two fellow actors for a solid eight minutes. And you can see them being like, out, out. Stop. Okay. You want us to hold you down? Like, I'll put my knee on your fucking out. out. It's so good. I also want to point

out that for this satanic ritual, they literally have teaky torches. Like they're surrounded by teak, like they didn't want mosquitoes around or in that satanic summoning, I guess. And there's just like a random six, six, six on the wall that's clearly house numbers from home. Yes, they got. And I bet they made three trips because they're crazy and stupid. Two would be fine, but I bet they made three. So, okay, so they do their ritual and the demon or the priest turns into Satan. And then Satan decides that they should kill all the humans that they can't turn into demons. And also he needs the chosen child

so that he can open the gates of hell. You got all that good. Yeah. All right. Keep track of this plot, everybody. Because you will get lost otherwise. It's important. And then a full moon moving backwards later. And we're with a black dude on a phone meeting a character that will never see again. New character drink. Jesus Christ, that's Killa. And this was definitely one of those director being like, okay, no, talk blacker. Cut. No, no, no, blacker. Yeah.

Cut. He got just starts like tap dancing. No, less black. That's the best. That's the best. That's the best. So, so, and I guess the reason we have to sit here with this guy on the phone talking about going to a house party is so that we understand later when this man is in a car, why?

Right? And he isn't at the point of the scene because the next scene is this guy getting killed by Salvador stealing his car. And they're like, they thought like, oh, yeah, but people are going to wonder why was he driving that this movie will make no sense. Well, we also get that great fight between the two demons about which of them is technically the project manager. So oh my god, I've had this scenario so many times, but without demons, just like, okay,

well, I am lead on this. Are you? Yeah. Yeah. David said I wanted them to like be in a char with the past and just like some fat lady who reads Grisham novels, just being like, well, I feel like we're all on the same team here. And none of us, I just need to know who's in charge. I just need to know who is taking lead on this demonic possession of the plan.

You lead to the general manager, you're leading to the, well, and it also, it doesn't help a much that this takes place with the two of them in a car together with like the demon going because it's so plays like I, I, I said I just wanted to go to fucking quizz knows. I don't see why we're blaming me for this whole fuck up. I was fine just going to quizz notes. This other guy's name is V Voltrix, by the way. Voltrix?

Voltrix. Yep. So where do we suppose the microphone was kept for this car scene? It's the answer is definitely not in the car where the two actors were. I'm thinking tin can't full of wet pantyhose. They had that satellite, right? Yeah, I think that they called on the phone's Bluetooth a house where someone was crumpling up all the tin foil they'd ever used in their entire life.

And that's the audio they used. So now we have to meet a bunch of new characters. Tony, the Tony D and Parker car on the park and park and drink and drink and the Pimp and the two hookers. So you're up for five shots here. Oh, and we get one of those bursts. We get this time. It's the Italian man burst of misogyny words in like five seconds. She's like, pussy yeast, convection slut, bensies, glass ceiling is good. Dan cut. Got it. Your massage and it's the Italian guys. Perfect.

Yeah. Yeah. We got two guys playing cards and two women are in a car, not speaking English all that well. And then their pimps shows up also not speaking English very well. And tells them to go to work. This is the point at which both

Heath and Noah's notes say, just make it a Spanish movie. To people know about these, you know, movies in their first language. You would have to find someone else to play the Eastern European male order bride, but yeah, other than that. Okay, so now that we've introduced those vitally important characters that will spend an insane amount of time within this movie, we have to cut back to Gabriel, the angel, who is talking to a little boy and a little girl who are apparently God who are telling him what to do.

Where to go next. But that doesn't matter because now we're going to cut to dad. Who is it like whatever the people who made this movie's version of coyote ugly is, which is two relatively attractive women dancing together and then yelling free shots on us. Yeah, this was the saddest bar I've ever seen in a film or otherwise. Yeah. And that means a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. No shit. I like that, Georgia. Yeah. No, there is not a single person in this fucking place that's going to get a 1040 this year. And, and of course, dead daughter dad is there. And he's, he's real sad over the dead

daughter and, and the sexy ladies try to rape him as he's leaving the bathroom. It's so funny. They have this very attractive woman be like, why don't you and I have some fun? And this guy who looks like a gumbah in a Donald Trump wig is like, no, I'm that happily married. And we're just like, no, I'm that happily married. And we're just like, yeah, absolutely. You know, there were 10 cuts of this scene where he was like, yeah, let's do it. You're supposed to say no. Sorry, sorry. Why don't you and I have sex? Yeah,

let's do it again. Cut. But of course, in reality, she's not really trying to fuck him. She's trying to vampire bite him to demon nests or whatever. And here's that little attention they're paying to their own movie. The chicks just said free shots for everybody, right? And they're going to put their blood in all the shots and turn everybody into a demon. And then the main character walks up to the bar and says, let me get a drink, Paul. And the bartender's like, I can't give you another drink. You can't afford it. It's like they're giving away free shots. It's on the girls. Are you not? Do you not? But yeah, but he has to

like bomb a drink off of this guy. Yeah. And it's like red wine in a coffee mug. We get another mug of wine. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Dudes with cigars in Scotch aren't going to drink pink shots out of test tubes. That's not how it works. They just go to one bar one time, learn one thing about one thing in your movie. And then everyone turns into a zombie. We're on zombies now. Those are different, right?

The zombies are not the same as vampires. Are they? I feel like four different pieces of shit all tried to make four different shitty movies. And then they all got together for drinks and they were like, do you have a quarter of a movie? Oh my God, I've got a quarter of a movie. I'll just smash them all together physically, like the scripts. We'll just literally crumple them together and it'll work.

Just throw together a shuffle on that. Yeah. And then we cut to dead daughter dad's still a live kid watching TV. And he has to call his dad about his birthdays tomorrow. And dad's got to come and pick him up. Anyway, so he gets off the phone. He drives away. But the angel steps out in front

of his car in the funniest way. He's humanly possible. So first of all, this is very badly shot because they were just like, all right, and then you'll stop your car before you hit Tim. So Tim, very cautiously is like, and he stops 12 feet in front of him, going two miles an hour. He's like, yeah, stop. That's, uh, okay. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, His first words are God has chosen you except in Batman voice. I have chosen you. To which I should point out the main character is not skeptical. He's just like, uh-uh, not that God guy. I don't work for him no more. Right, right. He's like, oh, I'm not, this shouldn't be, I'm not the right person to be chosen by God because I drink alcohol and lie to my wife.

Not like, you're fucking crazy, dude, you're wearing a cape. And not like, hey, we have never met as characters and now we're halfway into an argument that never what's going on. It's so weird. Oh, this is an actual line from the main character here within minutes of meeting this angel. He goes, look, I'm no superhero. And I don't know the first thing about taking out demons. That's the actual life. And his response is, tell you what, you take my keys, you go save the world. Like what he needs is a Dodge caravan. Yeah. Now that I've got your sweet, sweet 1997 citation, I'm ready to go. I think they still made the citation in 97. Anyway,

yeah. And but to convince him that he has to help, he takes him to a poor man's matrix vision of Mordor. Oh, yeah, apparently, if Satan wins everything turns into a volcano. Everything. Yep. It's supposed to be the apocalypse and the green screen is the absolute worst. It's so like, I'm actually impressed. It wasn't wrong for a few seconds at the beginning. They're like surfing in Hawaii. Just like fuck, fuck, all right. Grab this computer. Like you see his Windows desktop pop up. He's got like porn windows just to close a new one pops up. He plays like whack em all for five minutes. I so expected like a toddler to wander through and burst through the back of the volcano. Just like, oh, God. See the camera fall. I will sidewall someone runs out there. Hey, you okay? You okay? Guys, this is really bad. This was my weekend with him.

Oh, it would have been zero percent surprised to see a kangaroo in there somewhere. Yeah. So, yeah, if they don't stop Satan, then he's going to turn the world into volcanoes. And now we cut to a character we haven't met yet in a different boxing gym drink. Yeah. This is this is this might be my favorite scene in the entire movie. Oh, he's a death. He's sorkin walkin talk where he's like, Hey, Lisa, how are those cars?

Hey, man, good job over there. Hey, watch out for that. This and I love this character, by the way, he is who my wife will sleep with after our divorce. Just personified. I'm walking around. I'm going to have to shake his hand, be like, oh, cap aware of fun. Yeah, fun.

Yeah. So yeah, this is the, this is the martial arts instructor. And he comes to his little class of people. And these are the exact words. Tonight we're going to work on our punches and our kicks. That's the basics, yeah. And our karate words. Wow.

I feel like maybe the one thing they got right in this movie was the martial arts here. I'm not sure, but I feel like if there was one thing they were going to get right, it was going to be be punch punch kick. And he brings up two insanely muscle bound dudes, insanely muscle bound dudes. And he's like, okay, and they literally just go punch, punch, kick, punch, punch, kick, punch, punch, punch. Yeah, and that was any force. They might as well be saying the words karate. They might as well be saying the words karate. They might be karate karate.

Karate. I was very happy to just watch them punch, punch kick for the rest of the movie. I like challenge accepted ready to go. Yeah, well, they give you quite a bit of it. But then all of a sudden the Kaplera guy starts getting beaten up by an invisible force. Yeah. Like, remember that Cheech and Chong bit? That, that, but they're trying to be serious.

Yes. And now he's a vampire now. Yes. Yeah. The satanic shows up and kills him into a demon and then he karate wrestles everyone to death. Yep. Because apparently they were borrowing his car

for one of the scenes and he wanted to be in the movie too. Haha. Fun fact, there was still an hour and four minutes left of the movie. Oh, God. Jesus. You wouldn't even halfway through. Well, you know, the good news is,

if you were just thinking to yourself, boy, this movie hasn't had any long pointless scenes in limousines, we're going to correct that where the, like sexy vampire lady and nemesis are going to kiss with their tongues for 16 minutes straight. There is a scene in this shot where you can see the spit line between their mouths as they come apart. I vomited so hard and so often during this scene. Again, I was happy that I could barely see any of this. Yeah. And she's trying to seduce the limo driver.

And all he does is he keeps saying, I'm a happily married man over and over again. That's like his one line. Not only does he keep saying that, but he's like trying to make other small talk like she's like, oh, I will suck Satan's milk from your nipples. And he's like, so you guys new in town. You guys here to see Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham's at the stadium. They're trying to be all demon-y and it's not really working. They're like, you could say we're far from home. And he's like, oh, is that like word play? You made it sound like a pun or something.

No. Out of state. My daughter lives in Florida. So weird. It's warm there now. It's warm. Yeah, but then the guy vampire asked the limo driver to stop at the store so he can pick up some smoke so that his girlfriend can fuck murder the limo driver.

Yeah. Why are they in a limo? Where did this limo even come from? And why would stop be the thing to do there? If you want cigarettes, like you want me to keep driving until we get to a store. Yes. Yes. I meant driving until we get to a store. Stop. I'll walk from here. I'm trying to, I'm doing that 20 for 20 car. Please fuck my wife. And it just so happens that this shit hole rundown gas station they pull up to is also the corner where those two hookers from earlier work. So we get to hang out with them for a little

while. And their outfits look like they were designed by Tim Burton. It's just like random holes. It's like someone just climbed a prostitute to the person who designed cartoons of cheddar cheese. So, and then we go back into the limo where Vanity, the blonde vampire chick, Nemesis's girlfriend is named Vanity, and he's still trying to seduce the limo driver and he won't fuck her so she eats him. And then, comb over vampire picks up the, Demisus picks up the hookers too. Yes. And it's so this scene is incredible because he's basically like so ladies come to party with me and the girls and the hot prostitutes like 2000 each.

And I wanted him so badly to be like, really each, huh? Not like 2000 for you and significantly less for her. We're going with each. Are we are we averaging out what we cost here? Is that what's happening? And then it gets even weirder. The prost dude's like, okay, okay, we've got to deal on the money. Now, the other thing is, where are you going to fuck us? And he's like, the vampire is like, it's the old colonial on Wallace Street. I really wanted them to get into like an argument about the architecture style. Like, yeah, no, we prefer like mid-century modern buildings where you pay to fuck us. What?

This comes back. How much concrete is there? And I have to call their pimp to make sure it's okay. Everything's okay. Can we fuck in a colonial? I don't know if that's... Is it an appropriate building style to get fucked in for money? Are you okay with all the...

And the pimps... Don't forget to check in like a helicopter parent, like leave location services on, okay? Find my phone. And then it's back to the two heavies. Tony D and Carl the Pug of Pagocorn and they're now in a car. And remember those two guys that I just said we're in a car too late. We're now with different people in a different fucking car What the fuck is going on so the demons shows up with the hookers. I wrote my notes at this point We have seen these characters twice so they are protagonists. I guess so they're tied with the main character Jesus so they pull up with the old colonial with the hookers.

And there's a giant like Bouncer guy there. He'll kind of come back. But the key here is that the hookers are kind of nervous because this place is a little creepy. Right. Well, including with Alexander's name of the Bouncer and the main guy, and now, Mrs. Like Alexander go feed the dead. And he's like, yes, master. And he goes to feed the dead is what actually happens here. Like nobody's going to ask about that. They're a little apprehensive. The go feed the dead thing didn't sound a lot honest. They're fine with it.

Yeah. And you know, they didn't talk about it at all because we get the next 36 minutes of these two hookers dialogues, right? Like we spent an awful fucking lot of time with one of them not feeling really good about this, but the other being okay. Oh, I wanted so badly for nemesis to try to make them feel at home. Like you guys want to watch TV? You want some hummus and carrots? I honestly, I didn't have any food ready, but I can make this a Chinese place nearby. It's really good.

We've eaten like four of their delivery guys. So yeah, and I got to say, I'm okay. It says in my nose and this is actually true. Even the silence in this movie clips. Like literally there will be nothing going on in there. I'll just be a sudden speaker rattle in the middle of this film. It's amazing. Yeah. So then we get a theological discussion between Latina prostitutes. You can never spend too much time on that in your movies. Exactly. I really wanted the rest of the movie to just be the prostitutes arguing like Pascal's wager. But then we've got a cut over to the pimple who's angry that

they haven't checked in. So he tells Carl the plug of peg of corn and Tony did to go check on the hookers. Right. And how is this system implemented? They're supposed to check in every 10 what what do they do while they're getting hookered? Will they just sit around? I'm so sorry, we need to stop. This doesn't count towards your time. I just need to check in on GPS punch. There we go. Okay, there we go. It's fine. So yeah, so we cut back to the hookers. They're now like checking the house out and they come across the torture chamber at which time nemesis pops out of the dark and says, do you like our torture chamber? That's what he says.

And then she tries to tease him so she falls down and you think she's dead, but she's not. She's just fell down. Oh, it's such a great moment to she like she lands like slightly uncomfortably looks directly the camera. Ships her head, looks directly at the camera again and then protects her not that. And then the next frame, she's awake and facing the other direction and look at the room. And then pretty hooker like crouches down and she's like, get up the sun of a bitch because hooker loves the ass. And then vanity comes in and she goes lights off girls and then the movie literally

blacks out. But still continue. Well, right, if this was a fade out to another scene, that would actually be a pretty, but no, there's another two minutes of this scene. It's just in the dark in the fucking dark. Why are so many in the movies we watch in the dark? You think they know. Yeah.

So, okay, so now we cut back to Tony D. and Carl, and they're sitting in a car somewhere. We don't know where. They're not driving, and they're talking about how one of them went to a psychic last week who told them something evil was going to happen to him. It's not like a date like they should be on the roof like pointing and shooting stars together. They're out in the woods. It's really weird. Feet touch. No, no, no, leave it. And then a hissing teenager pops up at the window and stays there for a solid minute

and then runs away and they go, what kind of animal was that? Right. Ha, ha, ha. And yeah, so they're like, I'm freaked out. Let's get out of wherever we are. But the car won't start. Again, it's totally nonsensical,

but they're being chased by a demon and then they're chasing a demon. At one point, they're both wrestling the teenager, like a cop at a fucking skate park. It's so weird. At one point, a vampire sneaks into the car while one of them still in there and gives him like an Indian burn on his floor. And that's it. And that's it.

He's like, ow. Yeah. All right. The best party is finally one of them gets cornered by the demon teenager. And he's like, oh, hey, man, don't kill me. I'll take you to a yacht party with lots of girls, lots of sexy girls. And it worked. Yes. The demons. He's like, oh, both party. Okay. Cool. You can get me in. Yeah. Yeah. No absolutely. All right. And I just can I just go dress like this because I don't want to have to go home and change. I don't I just I have to go to a gym and kill a teenager. It'd be a big thing if I had a change. So demon fashion show with Tony D. He's like, no,

no. That's it. He's like, no, no, that's it. Some big mistake. And now we head back to the hookers who are tied up to chairs like Indiana Jones and his dad. Now, I want to point this out. They are tied to a chair. Now later we will watch them get shackled to a wall. So they have shackles available to them in

this room. And yet they decided to go with Thai Newman chair. Okay, whatever. You want to have options, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And your chamber, dude, that's right. You're right. Okay. So the pimp shows up at the house that the hookers are in and the bodyguard is is going to take him to see the hookers. Yeah. He shows up to the bouncing. He's like, Hey, I'm the Pimp. I'm here. Nice house, by the way.

Where we going? Oh, okay, real dark. All right. Yeah, I'll walk into this dark room by myself. All right. But bye. And he actually walks into the room going, bitches, come out, come out wherever you are. As though he's playing hide and seek, as though this man has convinced him, oh, no, you got to find him though. They're hiding somewhere in the house. Yeah.

prostitute polo. Yeah, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, yeah. So, but they lock him in a room where a demon eats him or something. Yeah. And now we're done with that character and it's time to go to the boat party. And now we're done with that character and it's time to go to the boat party. The boat party. Okay, so we have been promised that this is a yacht party. It is not. This is not a houseboat. This is someone's uncle's boat that fits max five people.

And indeed, there are three people waiting inside the boat pretending to dance. Yes. Right. And they've got three attractive women there who are trying their damnedest to look like a crowd like the site. The shot is insanely tight. So it looks like there's a bunch of people there. But yeah.

And also as they're showing up to the boat, this is where we get. Okay. So it's it's him and Carl the Pug of Pag of corn that are up to the boat, this is where we get, okay, so it's, it's him and Carl the Pug of Pegacorn that are going to the boat party, but Tony D was left behind and turned into a demon. And he's now walking up as well with the most comically gigantic chain. We've referenced it already, dragging behind him. I mean, this thing is about the size of,'d say a large dog like in with and he's dragging it behind him.

There will never be a reason for this. We will never see this chain again. It's just he will. He'll use everybody who runs out of the boat later with it, but then we'll never see it again. Oh, yeah, it ties together beautifully. Oh, okay. When I said we will see it again.

I meant I won't see it again, I meant I won't see it again because I couldn't tell what the fuck was going on in that scene, but okay. All right. It does make a lot more sense now. Just real quick question. When do you think he went and got the chain? He had like five minutes. Did he run, he like became a vampire, ran to home depot, vampire speed. Do you have enormous chrome chain? Perfect runs back. That's what had to happen. Desperately walking around looking for someone in an apron

just going up to someone he thinks might work there. Hi, I'm so sorry. Where the I don't work here. God, who does work here? Who works here? I bet if I stole his fucking chain, I could find somebody that works here. Yeah.

So now we get a character we've never met drink who is guarding dead daughter dad's house when the demon show up. Yeah, and he challenges Salvatore the demon to a shove fight near the pool. All right. All right. Everyone who watched this movie has been waiting for this moment. You're like, what the fuck are they going to do with that pool tunnel scene? I can't even imagine how you would just, oh my god. Yeah. So he gets into a push fight with Salvatore who pushes him into the pool.

But they both just like jump into the pool. Yes, they're very literally. Yeah. Push fight. And then they're like, oh, jumpy jump to the pool. And then they, but they both just like jump into the pool. Yes, they're very literally push fight. And then they're like, oh, jumpy jump to the pool. Yeah. Oh my God, only if we were soaking wet, this would be so much less of a rotic. Ah, and then we go through a blue tunnel. And the guy who is fighting salivators now rolling down a hill.

Like grass now. Yeah, but we'll have like a refrigerator box. It makes no sense. Grass and he is obviously running. This was this actor's idea. It was like, I'll roll down the hill, but he's obviously way out of control. And I think we all had that moment as a kid. We're like, I'll roll down a hill.

Uh-huh. Oh, that's very clearly having to full grown adult. And if you're, if you're looking at your phone right now, thinking, did I hit the fast forward 30 second, what in a demon fight in somebody? Yeah, by a pool, just a second. Yeah. No, no, remember we said blue circle tube. Yeah, that's what circle to means to the, oh, for fuck's sake. And then there are people in hoodies in a tree. And then there's the tunnel again. And then we see the pool shot backwards. And now there's a nebula.

We are not skipping anything. We are telling you everything that is happening as we watched it with our faces. Oh my God. Yeah. And then mom gets attacked by Salvador who steals the kid. Yeah. And this is where that dad Vinnie and he's with Gabriel, right? Yeah. I knew Gabriel. I'm I'm learning Vinnie for the first time right now. His name was Vinnie in the closed captioning. Vinnie in the closed captioning and him and Gabriela together and they call Vinnie's house to check on that kid and mom and Salvatore who just attacked her picks up the phone and does a lady voice to trick them. But it's not that mom's voice. No, it's not. They have her voice. them, but it's not the mom's voice. No, they have her voice. They have her ridiculous communist Ukraine voice and they don't use it.

They use a different fake lady voice. No, they use the theory. Yeah, exactly. Right, but luckily Gabriel is on to him and figures out that's not really his wife. Yeah, he has, he has, he has to ask her a trick question so they can tell if it's a vampire. I wanted to be like, okay, why are you suddenly capable of speaking English is my trick question? Yeah, right. And then Salvatore turns in, shapeshifts into the mom and like leads the kid out. But then when they're outside, he turns back into

it and he goes, I'm not your mom, kid. I'm your worst nightmare, which kind of defeats the point of being the mom in the first place. Right. Well, what was that for? Was he afraid he wasn't going to be able to wrestle that fat kid out of the bed? Well, that was a large kid that could dance like a neutron star. That would have been tough to move.

He's just got 16 pounds on Salvatore. He's just like desperately trying to turn him over with a half-nelson. No, no. Little of Pratect Minow. He's like tackling a bowling ball. He's like, are you eating candy? What's up? Are you chewing gum?

Jelly beans. Just baby. But, but they get the kid and he goes off with them and dad and Gabe show up. Vinnie, I guess is the guy's name and Gabe show up, but it's too late. The kids already going and I show wanted the dad to be just like, all right, well, we made an effort. Look, I've lost kids before you drink a little. It gets easier as you go. But no, instead he runs into tell us wife that his kid was stolen by demons to which she does not say what? She goes, oh, dear, we'll better get him back from those demons. Yeah. Well, in Transylvania where she's from, that's a lot more. And of course Gabriel says, you know, don't worry, lady, I've never met.

I'll get your son and she's like, oh, okay, I'll just, just hang here then. I guess I'll be here until the last scene when that happens to me. I'll be here. All right, well, by this point in the movie, I think I was taking my 11th break. So it's only fair that we would give our listeners one. So we're going to pause here. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will this movie ever stop introducing new characters?

Did they actually film stuff? Or is it really just a black screen of noise? If one of the actors yelled out stage directions, would we even notice? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the muffled conclusion of the Becoming. My name is Neversys and I'm here to enslave all mankind. Whatever man, stay back before I fuck you up, bitch. Oh, dude.

What bitch, you want a piece of this? Bitch. Oh, geez. What? No, sorry, it's just, I don't know, you're the first human I've spoken to and I'm going to kill you, but really, like, stay back before I fuck you up, bitch. Like, that's your answer to, I'm going to enslave all man, can't, like, I'm a demon. Oh, no, right, right, right. I see where you're coming from. Okay. You want to, you want to try that again? I'm sorry.

Try what again? The response. Oh, right, right. Sorry. Yeah. My name is Seriously, I'm very sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. No, my bad my bad you go you go No, no seriously you go go okay. My name is never since and I'm here to enslave mankind Fuck you, okay, never mind. I'm just gonna kill you Well hello there are Are you lonely? Lonely. Do you like pugs? Pugs. Well then I am waiting for you. They call the bug of peg-a-corn sex line. We got dogs with wings and a horn waiting to talk to you. Talk to you. What am I wearing? Nothing.

Cause I'm a dog. Pegasus Unicorn thing. And those don't wear clothes. Call now. Ooh, that sounds hot and fresh. I love garlic bread for some reason garlic bread. That's right. Here at Call the Pug of Pegasus in 6-9, we're just waiting for your call.

At 916-750- 4746. Call now 916 750 4746. And we're back for more of this no-budget nonsense. When we last left off, we were radically reevaluating our life choices, while unnamed protagonist and Gabe, oh, I'm sorry, Vinnie and Gabe were setting off to save the kid. And we're going to rejoin the action with Salvatore delivering said kid to Satan. And I really wanted a fat kid in demon road trip movie and just like demon eat negai outside, a little kid inside the gas station station just arms full of twizzlers.

They missed an opportunity to see what I'm saying. Reason con. Yeah, so this is where Salvador has to get out and talk shit with the Capuera demon. Yep. From earlier, who has to just do some spinning around and rolling in a handstand shit just so that you know he is Kapuera demon. Did he just fall onto the top of their Jeep? From nowhere? What happened out of the sky? He transports wrong and he's like, ah, no, that was on purpose.

See, friend road parkour for Android. And they have the most bizarre like as though this was part 11 of this series or something this bizarre back and forth here where like they seem to be referencing lines from earlier in the movie that we didn't get. They treat this movie like I treat podcasts just like and you remember the other is I know Eli. No one heard that. That's fine.

That was when we were having a meeting with Andrew Eli, you can't reference that joke now. I can and I will. What does he say? He goes, you don't have nine lives at one point. Yeah. Is that how demons call each other? Pussies.

Was there a cat reference earlier? I don't. No, but you don't. I'm just there a cat reference earlier? I don't. No, but you don't. I'm just saying you don't have. I don't. He's been in the wild. He's been in the wild. He's been in the wild.

He's been in the wild. He's been in the wild. So stupid. Okay, so now we're back with Vinnie and Gabe, who have to go to a church so dad can confess his sins to get Jesus powers to fight demons with. Oh, it's so good. And the music when he walks into the church literally goes, it's a fucking incredible. Oh, and the whole thing, okay, the music, honestly, in this entire scene is one, three, five,

seven, five, three, one. It's just, it's just, yeah, oh my God. So, yeah. A little more complicated than punk. He's, we just get, we just get this 17 patron exit surveys. Fuck you, punk is everything. So, all right. So he confesses his sins, dad does.

Or maybe he recites the greed as good speech from fucking Wall Street. I can't hear him beneath the goddamn soundtrack. Yeah, it's basically, first of all, sorry for not believing in you, dead daughter, you get it. That's what I was assuming. Yeah. And I want to point this out too, because I want to find the good in this movie, and it's not easy to do. But from time to time, in this movie, the shots are bizarrely properly framed. Like everything else in this movie, lighting is literally a candle, right? Audio is literally a guy doing voices afterwards in ADR. But somehow like once in a while, you're like, man, that is a perfectly framed shot.

Yeah. I wrote at this point, the movie is like watching it through the whole of a Coke bottle. Some of that. But you know, you were looking for something redeeming. May I suggest black Jesus? Oh my God. Was he black? Oh, he was, he was absolutely black. He was black, Tino.

Yeah. He had a Jerry curl going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So was black Tino. Yeah. He had a Jerry curl going. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's certainly yeah. Soul glow. No question. He's eternal soul glow. So as he's praying, the lights go out in the church starting in the back to be all ominous. And then black Jesus appears before him. Now I don't know that black Jesus is the greatest character that we've ever encountered in film. But he's really close. Yeah. The actor was crushing.

He'll great. The actor was killing it. Yeah, never let yourself get held back from playing Jesus by your Jamaican accent. Oh, and he was so going for it too. I like, leave it all between the frame lines, bro. He's doing this weird gesticulation kata as he talks and it's like the same thing over and over again. He does a little Kali Ma at one point. Yeah.

He's going to rip out Vinnie's heart. He does. I have the same thing in my notes. And then he says, I love you. Vinnie says, I love you to Jesus. He has flashbacks to like three seconds ago in the movie and then Jesus burns across onto his arms like a weird Russian gangster. Yeah, he's joined Jesus' fraternity now. Oh, I wanted Vinnie to have an awkward answer there.

Just like, I love hanging out with you, Jesus. Just like an awkward messy fight with Spurn Jesus. I would've watched four hours of, oh, that would'veurn Jesus. I would watch four hours of the rest. Oh, that would be amazing. I just didn't want to say it before I was ready. Good. I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad you didn't. You don't sound glad. Well, I am. I am. Do you still want to go to dinner? Yeah. I don't know anything else going on tonight, but maybe I should have. See, you're mad. I didn't say I was mad. Well, then why would you make jokes like that? Why I can't make jokes. I can't make jokes. See, we got a whole moving. We did it. Yeah. No, no, not much better than this.

So, okay. So now Vinnie heads outside and he is transformed into a demonic askicker now. By transformed, we mean no longer wearing long sleeves. figured out by transformed we mean no longer wearing long sleeves, right? Which I think in the vocabulary of the people who made this movie is when one becomes a man. I see. Yeah. So this is also where they have to follow the stars to see where they have to go. They literally do that. He's like, see that star? It's going to guide us. They look up at the sky. They see one that. He's like, see that star? It's going to guide us. They

look up at the sky. They see one that's a little bit brighter. He's like, Oh, yeah, it's right by the white colonial house. What? Yeah. All tied together. What the fuck does that even the star is buy a house? What? And why is a colonial again? It's so weird, but the style houses. Someone was a real estate agent. Yeah, right. Right. Right. Right. And it's like, okay, if you advertise that colonial, I've got over on West End Street. Um, so yeah. Now, this is also where Gabriel reveals that the reason that Vinnie's son is the chosen one is because he was born on 666 or sorry, 606,2006, which we all know means Satan.

Right. Him and like a bunch of other kids. Yeah, quite a few. Yeah. And then, okay, so they go to save the kid, but first they have to hook up with other angel bodies. So couple new characters here, drink up. This is where we meet. I shit you not. Tarzan and Voldazor. Tarzan and Voldazor who have cartwheel based fight moves. And when he says to them, he goes, you guys are always late. And I wrote in my notes, he goes, you guys are always late. And I wrote in my notes, is it, is it because they're black? Like is that is the only other thing we know about these characters? They are black.

They're wearing hoodies and that the characters like, you're always late. Mine's running in some Skittles, man. It's tough. It's tough when you're black. Um, yeah. And so, okay. So these two angels show up. So now we have a team of angels.

I wrote my nose just with this neat movie needed more characters. And dad is super impatient. He wants to go fight demons now, damn it. Now, but Gabriel won't let him. He's like, no, the Lord must guide us. Okay. Well, he's saying what you said now. He, the Lord is saying, so we will continue with the plot, but I had to throw that in there first. I just want to make sure So now we head back to the zombie gangsters who are meeting up with the Capuera demon God Jesus. That's what I'm actually fucking okay, so yeah So Capuera demons learns that the angels are coming so it's time for everyone to give everyone a pregame speech So it's time for everyone to give everyone a pregame speech.

There are literally like five of them in a row. Who bad guy gives the bad guys a pep talk? The angel gives the angels a pep talk. I wanted to cut to like the zombies and there's a zombie in front like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh each other a pep talks. Yeah, it's just, it's a bizarrely long like three pep talks in a row moment. The martial arts guy, his pep talk, he's, he's in a tree. Yes, it's clearly supposed

to be like dramatic and commanding, but he's just like a small amount up a tree. He like just like like one little like I could have got up that high a tree. Just right there next to him. So I feel like what happened is everyone involved in this movie was like, okay, but I get a big, you know, act three monologue to open up the battle, right? And then, and then they're like, okay, how about everybody gets a big monologue? But I'm up, I'm up one run in the tree. Well, okay, but I'm like the bigger bad guy. I get to be chained to the basement.

Yeah. And this is where all the zombies show up for the fight, but all of the zombies are dressed from different jobs and different time periods. So like, there's a zombie in a straight jacket. There's a zombie nurse. There's a zombie firefighter. Like they obviously just went down the aisle at Hollywood adventure and they were just like, there we go. One of each zombie. The only person who made any money on this movie was Halloween adventure. Yeah. If they just broke out into YMCA, that would be fantastic. Thriller. Yeah. Use got code scathing to get five dollars off your first Halloween adventure.

Oh, my God. Okay. So now they have the big fight where the angels have to fight the demons. And again, it's all shove based. Yeah, but every time they shove the zombies, there's a big bright like camera flash and a, but you know, it's a place for like, when they can't do it right away, like if they have a minute, they're like, all right, now, but you.

So yeah, after this, and you know, these guys are just running around this yard in the middle of the night going, we are nailing this. So they beat up all the zombies and Gabe asked God to save all of their souls, but Capoeira demon, who has been in the tree the whole time, wants to talk to Gabe one on one now. What's a parlay? I wrote my notes, black kung fu capoeira instructor wants a parlay. I just wrote black kung fu capoeir instructor wants a parlay. I just wrote Black Kung Fu capoeir guy wants a parlay.

Yeah. So, yeah, a lot of sentences that have never before been assembled show up in these, in these notes here. So I guess what he wants to do is try to talk the R. Jamesville Gabriel into teaming up with the demons. And I say I guess because, again, their conversation is 100%ing up with the demons. And I say, I guess because again, their conversation is 100% drowned out by the soundtrack. So I have no idea what happened here. Right. But, but basically what happens is satanica, which is capoeira instructor,

wants to have a one on one combat fight with Vinnie. That's the dead, the dead daughter's dad. And if he can beat him, the demons won't stand in his way. Spoilers, that will not actually happen. No. I mean, you're telling me all of that. And I'm like, but that's not what happened in the movie after this. But yeah, okay. If you say so, you had subtitles. Okay. So now the, okay. So who's fighting who there is it's so God damn darker. Can't even tell. Is it Gabriel fighting Kaplera demon now? Well, no, Vinnie does fight him for a second. Oh, okay. Yeah. Vinnie fight. Warped around like Raiden. Yeah. And we do a little bear hug back cracking move at

one point. And it's so good. You can literally hear Vinnie into the mic say too hard, too hard. So amazing. Yeah, but then he asked God for some magic power. So God gives him a laser beam to shoot from his finger. Right. That's what happened. And he laser beams the guy and then I didn't make that shit up. Then he takes off the guys like Jane, which killed him. Apparently, yeah, because you know how the chains kill the whatever.

All right. So now Gabe is demanding that Nemesis surrenders because dad has beaten satanic a Kapoorah demon in his fight. And they're both using their gravely Batman voices. It's like they're trying to out batman each other in this scene. Yeah, but they argue about love. That's what the dialogue is. I wrote the angels are having a messy breakup fight. Exactly. It's like 4 a.m. on someone's front lawn. You don't know. You don't know. I don't care that they're all listening. you don't know you don't know. I don't care that they're all listening.

I don't care that they're all looking. Yeah. So just say where you want to go to dinner. It's so weird. So then why would you say you love Jesus back? So then I guess the conversation goes south enough that Nemesis says legions attack and then like four people show up. That's his legions or is legion just the name of one of those checks. I don't even know anymore. This is also where we get Tarzan and Voldazor's awesome Unison cartwheel move.

And I want to be very clear, these two actors do a cartwheel about as well as Heath and I do cartwheels. Like, worse than Noah does cartwheels, Heath and Eli level cartwheel. I can kill it. I can tell this is take seven because it was just like, come on guys, three, two, one, go. Wait, are we going on one or go? God damn it. No, in fairness. I mean, think back, all those times that you teamed up with another person to beat up a woman, how many cartwheels were you doing and how successful

was the fight? I don't remember. Super well. I need to text Michael Sharmer. So, so and I also want to point out that this happens in the middle of like, like he said, they're fighting the chick and they do these cart was like one in front of her and one behind her. And this is a fight move somehow, right? Like she gets hit by this by the fact that their cartwheeling near her was she supposed to spit around and get dizzy. Yeah, okay, I don't know. But then she does get dragon punched right after that.

Well, yeah, the punch is amazing. It's all slow motion. It's fuck. And then Gabe pulls out Nemesis's heart, just clearly just uncooked liver. They do it to the lady one, but you can tell the actors don't want to touch your boobs. So they're like, oh, the same. What did sit down? I got to walk over and like turn them into a baby, do a little bit of reality. The rest of the movie was just Mortal Kombat finishing moves. I was going

to forgive everything we watched. Oh, God. I don't know that there's anything that could make me forgive everything we've watched up to this point, but if the movie could have started blowing me at this point and never stopped, that I still wouldn't quite. And yeah, if somebody popped in and was like, finish it, the movie, I mean finish the movie. All right. No, it helps. Yeah.

But no, because the kid is still about to be sacrificed and Salvatore is still alive. So he brings the fat kid to Satan. Satan asked him to go get his kid's sacrifice facing sword too. He's like, no, the good sword Salvatore. And like a snack. Are there any more mini muffins? I ate the last bag. Damn it Salvatore. You're so rogue. Like, cheese it. Was there any more mini muffins? I ate the last bag. Damn it, Salvatore. Just the, you're so rogue. Like cheezits, was there were the box? I thought there was a box of cheezits. I clearly wrote Satan on the side of those mini muffins. Who looks at the side of the cheezit, Satan? I mean, I'm serious. Like, why didn't you just put

it on the front? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going to realize you know what we're buying a label maker. This is what we are now people who buy label makers And also we just get two boxes of cheeses you have one and I have one We don't need the labels. There were two boxes of cheeses. I don't like my Always finish my peanut butter to I always I notice I notice there's an extra spoon mark from where I left it. I can tell. And also I love this graphic because they look up at the sky as they're about to sacrifice the kid and there's a hurricane in the sky. But like a whole hurricane as seen from space over half of a country, you know, I like it's just, what

do they think? Is that what they think it looks like when you're under a hurricane too? I demons in space. I don't. Because, well, according to the Quran, yeah, because the reference he's making is like, ah, my children soon, the gates of hell will open. He hell in space? Oh, okay, that was a space hell door. That I was hell door. Okay, now it all makes sense. Jesus Christ, this movie is still explaining the plot to us in the final scene.

Yeah, so he puts a night's mask on the kid and takes some of his blood, we try get Andy Wilson. And then he drinks it and turns into like the devil with horns in long braided hair and a new actor. Yes, it's different. Yeah, they just put horns on the existing actor completely different. So like, yeah, so try to keep up. This is now that guy what For fuck sake and just as you're thinking well at least this is the very end of the movie Suddenly we cut to a character. We've never met in a car talking on the phone with his wife drink

15 minutes left three minutes left. They've been in the movie. And we're meeting characters. Well, this Italian guy comes back. You'll, we'll find out very important. What is on the phone with his wife and so he will be involved in another thing. Also, okay, so now what they're going for here is a group of people are all just walking out into the street like they're possessed or something, but they don't have enough people to really get this to happen. So what we see is just a guy talking on the phone to his wife, and then there's another guy sitting on a couch with a tiny little dog who leaves this house, and that's it. And we're supposed to get from that. Oh, everyone's leaving their house.

Right. Excuse me, Chihuahua. I must go commit evil. Yeah, right. Excuse me late night snack. I must go commit evil. And now it's time for dad to fight Satan. This is the most bizarre fever dream moment in all of God off a movie history. Okay. So first Satan tries to turn him to the dark side of the force, you know, obviously like that's the first thing you get with Satan tries to cut a deal. Right. Right. And then he hits him with orange tunnel powers. Remember blue tunnel from earlier that took us to the roly hill? I figured this out eventually. I think blue tunnel takes you up one level and red tunnel takes you down one level. So like the angel when they threw them in the pool, they sent them to heaven, which is where angels go, but this is him going to hell.

Wait, so heaven is where there's a hill that you roll on. Yes, it's a field. You know, we know what happens. It looks like it's a field with kids running around. Yeah, that's it. You guys have it anyway. Yeah. Okay.

So if you don't like it, I'll judge your hand. Weird quiet loft heaven with a half full chemx full of cold coffee and an original we. Both of those things are within my sight. Yeah. We both look back at his chemx. or within my sight. We both look back at his camera. Oh, yeah, it is about halfway. So, okay. Yeah. So, all right. So now he's at the haunted house at the fair. Well, hold on. I just want to, I want to mention a couple of more things about this, this fight before he gets zapped into the red light to orange light to orange light tube to hell. I think, okay. At what point Satan starts listing his nicknames. Oh, yeah. And this act, the actor tries to save meals above. And he doesn't even, it's like black or

glad. And then he names a few others, including Napoleon is Napoleon. A nickname for Satan what? In any source. Have you ever heard that heard that's new to me. Yeah, well, maybe say Napoleon was the, you know what, that's probably there, like there's some weird version of Christianity where Napoleon was supposed to be the anti-Christ and they just assumed that we know that, I don't who the fuck knows.

So yeah, so then he hits him with the orange tunnel powers and he shows up at the, and when I say by the way that this is at the haunted house at the fair, I'm not just making fun of their set. I'm pretty sure that's where they filmed it. This is absolutely just this actor walking through the different room because none of them have anything. It's like a guy with a chainsaw and like a lady rocking a dog and a none of it is related

to this movie. It's just a fucking haunted house. Yeah, 100%. I just want it really quick. Here's a sentence that I typed in my life. Zombie in a rocking chair singing a hushed little baby to a skeleton baby. That's something that have end to make character asks this zombie for information and she doesn't have any. Yeah, and he's very angry at the zombie lady for not knowing where his kid is. Yeah.

I wanted her, I wanted him to ask so badly for the zombie lady's manager and like another zombie walks out and is just like, sorry, what's the brand? He's like, well, she was very rude, she's busy rocking a baby in a city. I'm going to need you to calm down. I'm not making a scene, but he runs into fat guy in a noose, right? It's just like a fat guy who's supposed to have hung himself, but that guy is super duper helpful. That guy's just like, hey, man, how you doing? Oh, no, yeah, no, this is this is not where you want to be.

You're going to want to take a right out here and head towards the colonial house. I guess I would call it colonial. Modern. Right under that star, it'll be right under a star. And they're going up to Pittsburgh down to Chicago. A lot of information. So yeah, so that takes them to the tunnel. So we can go back from hell and come back and defeat Satan with another Jesus laser. They go back to the laser. Yeah, Satan turns it to blue fire, flesh, smoke. Yeah, uh-huh. And then all the people who are wandering in the street are like now suddenly going like, hey, what the fuck just happened? And I'm going like, hey, I'm the audience. I don't know why the fuck should you not? Anyway, and remember Italian guy who was on the phone who was introduced very nicely like 10 minutes ago. He's there

helping So it all makes sense. And then Vinnie literally runs around the movie like tied that together. And then Vinnie literally runs around the movie like just untying slash saying high to all of the characters from the movies like shit, the hookers, right? God, you ended up not really meaning anything. You're free now. How does dad even know about the hookers? Right.

Dude, I mean, that's never a good question to get. But like in this, he had no knowledge of that. No, no. Yeah. He's like, let me run back into the demon mansion. Make sure they don't have any hookers tied up in the basement. I'm, it's, see, it's a good thing. I went back. Be thorough. I do. I've done that for 20 mansions in a row. I always knew eventually I'd find some hookers down here. Yeah. and that's it. Okay, we introduced these characters. We spent a ton of time with them. We got them chained up in the basement. And the only, the den you want for these fucking characters

is that he shows up and unchanged them as an afterthought after he saves his kid. Yeah. So, and then he's gotta bring the kid back to Eastern European mail order wife. And he's like, yeah, this is a, this is our kid, got a couple of hookers while I was out. It's not what you think.

I mean, it kind of is because they blew me on the way, but I mean, it's not, that's not why they're there. God has changed me and I'm better now. I wonder if it's so badly, but like also laser hands. Yeah. Don't know if that's relevant. Just want you to know. And so yeah, so mom and dad make up now because God fixed him. He's no longer an unemployed depressed alcoholic and you're thinking of yourself.

Wow, that's the most insane. This movie's going to get. Huh? Nope. Nope. Because then Gabriel shows up and he's like, Hey, God decided to reward you. Here's your dead kid back. We have seen a lot of dead daughters in Christian movies. This is the first one where God was like, I am so sorry about killing her. My bad. My bad. There you

go. You can have her back. But that's what happens. And of course the movie could end here, but then we really wouldn't have set up the sequel at all. Would we have? So we got a repeat of the patio door dream sequence from the beginning and then it's over. Well, he gets grabbed by the teenager and the teenager goes, I'm back, bitch. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And then it's a rap music video.

Yeah, yeah. And we see what an incredibly large number of people were not too embarrassed to put their name on this movie. By the way, we were talking about who do you think is the protagonist? Like who do you think are the main characters? Just off top of your head. Guy Vinnie and Gabe. Vincent Thiago.

Seven to four. Yeah, him. Bulltrix. Tarzan, the first two build actors are Gabriel and the Russian wife. Really? Yep. Wow. Awesome.

All right. Well, far be it from me to linger on this fuck state of a movie. So let's keep the wrap up quick here Yeah, I simply want to ask you this. Currently YouTube offers you the option to thumbs up or thumbs down a video. What icon would they have to add in order for you to be a blow appropriately respond to this film with a single click? Um, Chris Farley chopping his fingers off in a Japanese game show Unplug life support Nation

No, yeah, that's pretty much that on And while that doesn't for our review of the becoming that's not gonna do it for the episode Just yet because we still need to rope you back in next week so Eli tell us what's on deck. Old-fashioned. Okay. I was supposed to watch the preview I forgot. Tell us all about it. This is a movie about a guy who's a Christian and meets a normal girl and he refuses to be alone in a room with her or touch her

Until they get married the romantic comedy It's fucking weird God won't let me sit next to you on a plane the movie double boy meets girl All right, well with that to look forward to will bring episode 83 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows and skating atheist and the scapchocrat available on to institure and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, and the illegal draft son Mars, all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, of course, with help from Eli and Anna for the podcast, survey Fuck Tour Song. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely,

Bosnick. I'm Noel Lucien, Spromis and War Carter, down another chunk next week, until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Two dogs' careers were harmed during the making of this movie. The great chakra Kiki was pretty pissed off, these guys didn't even call to see if he was free. There was absolutely not a sequel to this movie. But they're still cooking.

Awesome. Dude, by the way, survey song has been in my head literally, like once an hour since you brought it, since you brought it. I got so happy about it. The other message from Seth, Seth was like, you know, I don't really listen to your show and now I never will again because I can't stop seeing the fucking survey socks. And I sent him public shit in Oxford, Alabama. Oh, that's excellent. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017,

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