God Awful Movies - 87: GAM087 Revenge of the Vultures 1

Episode Date: April 18, 2017

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up for an atheist review of the fifth film in the Nigerian "Vultures of Horror" series, known in house as "the gift that keeps on giving." --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

She's like making the I don't want to have lunch with you, but you want to have lunch with me excuses like oh my god. Yes, it has been so long Ah, text me. Do you sell my number? It's six is the first one And you know the rest you yeah you'll Facebook me Facebook me I can ignore that the easiest thing to ignore if you didn't want to go to lunch but whatever you like who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be who we will be immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what's the capital of Nigeria? What is the capital? To Buja.

Interest sometimes I just attribute here. I was a little bit of a man. And sitting eight-year-old miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Other fun fact, they all smell different. I balance that heaths. I balance that heats. I balance that heats. He's a little bit of a little bit of trivia

and racism cancel. Is that absolutely? You ever go to a racism night at your local bar? He's Irish. I got Irish bars all the time. It's all the nights that aren't trivia nights Listen here map is all I'm saying Right well now that half of the audience is still here we can Uh, this movie's from Africa. Yeah, it's probably just gonna get worse from here

Yeah, so tell us heath what African movie will we be breaking down today? We watched Revenge of the Vultures, Disc one of the movie. It's part five of Nollywood's franchise juggernaut, the Vultures of Horror series. This one's about voodoo car bombs, magical roofy spells and bird laser blood cancer. Thank you. As you'd expect in Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Super Nintendo, but you hate being able to understand any of the words in the movie you're watching, you wrote this movie. You risk your problem.

You know this movie. Yeah. Thanks for that. Thanks for that. All right. Well, as as he said, this is our fifth installment of the Vulture series. And one of the things I love about doing these movies other than the movies themselves is that it gives me a chance to recycle shit from the old intro. So in the interest of once more doing the same opening I used with the last two, I have a series of categories here. And I want you guys to tell me where this movie ranks compared to the other four we've seen. So where would you say this one ranks in terms of kick ass, vulture magic.

Oh, I'm going to go with second or third. We didn't have that sweet chair telepathy that we've had from previous movies, but we do have skeleton dust pass off something. hockey air hockey, I think yeah. Somewhere in the middle, yeah. There's only a couple of those like a um vulture like ladiesmith moments. Yeah. The middle.

It was it was a bit disappointing there. Yeah. I think after the floating chair thing, it's going to be really hard to impress us, but that doesn't mean you have to stop trying. All right, where would you say I ranked in terms of fake ass weeping? Oh, first place, first place. First place. First place.

I'm going to mention this when we get to it, but I'm pretty sure they just found a bunch of people in their town weeping over something else. They were just like, what are you doing? Nothing, don't worry about it. We're just all setting up my cat 1996 camcorder. So I don't run out of tapes. Yeah, it's no, don't worry about microphones. We don't really need them.

Yeah. So first and real ass weeping too. Oh, yeah, right, right, perhaps. Yeah. All right. So where would say a rank in terms of forgotten plot lines? Uh, yeah, I'm not sure what first and last would mean. Uh, it's bad. They're all bad. They do that. This was this whole movie going like, what the fuck ever happened to Quinn's beauty contest? Oh, the things we know. We know versus the things we don't know that we could have been learning in the time

that we know the things we know about Queen's beauty contest. Yeah. Yeah. Right. All right. I got two more categories here. Where would this rank for you guys in terms of wacky elder hats? First place.

I said, first place. They're messing with us. There was a baptist time. There was somebody made a bet. There's like Kentucky Derby hat and like these separate hats. It's fucking crazy. Well, it's been a theme of this movie. Whenever we see the elders council, everybody has to wear a different wacky hat.

But at one point in this movie, we see 20 some people all wearing different wacky hats. There's no way that was an accident, a coincidence, I can't buy it. All right. And then this is a late addition for me. Last one, where does it rank in terms of use of CGI skeletons? Oh, second place, because no one tries to rape one. Right. Right. Yeah. It's really hard to get first in this category. Yeah, in fact, the only skeleton I remember attacks a rapist, right? Yeah. So yeah, exactly. First or last, whichever is good, they're bad.

I don't know. I guess it ranks third for me that the lady with the two skeletons are attacking her from the very first one. That's still right up there for me. So I forgot about those. Yeah, no, this movie has a long tradition of terrible CGI Skeletons. It does like football drill, like we'll under jump over. Yeah, no, this movie has a long tradition of terrible CG. I just like football drill. Like we'll under jump over. Yeah, exactly. Look like the bad guys rising up out of the ground and twilight princess or something. Yeah. And is there anything you guys want to

nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Uh, yeah, a couple of things. I'm going to say best worst, unjustified dramatic reaction to completely mundane words. One of those words is collateral. Somebody says collateral in a completely normal scenario and everybody panics, like a lady faints, glass breaks in the background for no reason, it's crazy. There's literally an organ strike. There's literally a that goes with it at that moment. Yeah.

Movies a lot of things subtle, not one of them. No one accused him of subtlety. My other nomination is best, best, best, best, best, best evil magic chanting. Oh, yeah. Not gonna say another word about that. We're gonna get there pretty much right away. It's fantastic. I was gonna say best worst magical scat, but then I remembered to Eli's wanted turd act. And I felt like, okay, rude. I'm not

sharing other parts of my life with you anymore. I told his beautiful and brave raising awareness about irritable bowel syndrome, which over one in 800 Americans has. I'm sure I don't want to get political on the show. I'm tired of who told you titleful and brave me. Can I nominate this for a best, best chicken fight? There are there may be a chicken fight like an illegitimate like emotional arc having day new mall containing chicken fight in the background of this. This this series has a long and proud tradition of street chickens. I didn't even bother to put that on the ranks list because I think we all know this one ranks first and fluently in street chickens.

All right. And I just had best worst reveling in how wacky mentally ill people are. So if you've been listening along for all of these, you know that in the last one, one of the antagonist characters got attacked by a vulture and was turned insane. In this movie, we revisit him while he's just rambling insanely. And they play this for comedy for like eight minutes. This movie, these series of movies could just be called unfortunate things that happen in Africa explained by witches.

It's just like, don't know where your daughter is. Witches. Go crazy. Witches. Weird foot thing. Witches. Yeah. Cultures of our. Yep.

We have access to cameras, but not the information those cameras could show us. Apparently not. All right. Well, of course, as soon as he said, Vultures, the auto tuning started to play in my head. So we're going to milk that anticipation a little bit longer. I want we take a quick break. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the bat shit Nigerian insanity that is revenge of the vultures. Disc one.

Hey folks, as I'm sure you know, the whole crew is heading down to North Carolina for reason, con this weekend for a live record with Thomas Smith, of opening arguments and serious inquiries, only fame. And as you might have picked up on, we had a bit of trouble with the travel arrangements. It's April. That's perfect. Cherry it with our guys. Yeah. Unfortunately for us, Eli booked the trip using a map from the 1700s and a handful of sear stones. So the trips can include like bridgeless river crossings and a spot marked here. There be dragons as I understand it. And the facing of three challenges of the fire swamp, but it did not have to be this way.

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Save Bing on travel and get a big gift card every trip with upside.com. Minimum purchase requires C-Sy for complete details. Previously on Vultures of Horror. You might as well see the sound guy in the back glaring at him and fixing it throughout the rest of his scene. Right. I'm almost certain that the first half of the sentence was not in English. Nope, nothing happened. There's no plot to this movie.

Yeah, but it is indecisive. Well, at this point I wrote in my notes, tell me what the words in this scene are and I'll split my dick with a cowbell. And then we get pew, pew pew pew for absolutely no reason So now forget about those characters and everything that's happened up into this point in the movie because none of it will matter ever again Okay, but seriously though we should probably catch you up on the action Once upon a time there there lived two brothers, Wutu and Kwame, and they came from a long line of evil, vulture worshipping people from the cult

of Shakira Kiki. Yep, that's where we're going to start from. And Kwame took after his family and used their evil, vulture wizardry in a lifelong evil plot to become the village chief in a shithole town in Ghana. But Wutu, who looks like Kanye's latest tour was in a car crusher, rejected their evil Wutu and became a Christian instead. Kwame had three children as daughter Quinn and his son Steve and Superman. I have no idea honestly, but the first time we saw him in the show, he was wearing a Superman shirt and we've been calling him that for so long, he'll always be Superman to me. And all three of them, like their father, control evil magical powers, which allow them to call upon poorly CGI laser vultures and commune with a strange, vegetable,

Satan hybrid bad guy thing. Quinn uses her powers to torment those that cross and or try to rape her. Her brothers use them to be poor and complain about things on porches a lot. They do, however, consider using their powers to get Superman laid by his on again, off again, girlfriend Rose, but Rose seems to fancy a young man from the city whose name can't really be a true, but that's exactly what it sounds like. So we're going to go with it. But perhaps the wicked is vulture, wielder of them all is Kwame's wife, who uses her powers to moderately skew business towards her bodega at the local

market by cursing her competition with an escalating, widely coyote-esque series of attacks that culminated in a debilitating case of oily foot disease. But Kwame's brother Wutu, having rejected the laser-vulture lifestyle, set out to build one of Nigeria's largest privately held companies where they produce meetings and big business deals. Business deals is their primary. Indeed. When he's not wheeling and dealing or arranging security for nuclear plants, Wutu, spends his time being complemented vociferously by any character he's on screen with or was

on screen with in the last scene. Yes, and also his name changes a lot. It's Wu Tu, it's Kutu, I have no fucking anyway. And now the fifth installment of our hopefully never ending series on the vultures of horror. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start this one off with those laser sound effect fire credits that you love so much. And then it's straight to the auto tuned VOH theme. And I came.

I really didn't have much need for seconds eight through 3,500 of this movie to be I watched it anyway, but I was done. That's so true. And I just want to point out we do get our fire credits here, but I want to say the best movies have the screenwriters phone number in the credits. I'd like to do something else. I'd like to, if you have anything other than vultures for me to do, we got to call these people at some point, right? Like we got to get one of them on Skype and just be like, so what's that?

So why do people get foot rot? Do you think it's because is it witchcraft? Do we think? Yeah, yeah. The lighting guy really wants us to call him to it. Really seems like the lighting guy is putting it out there. You know, he's got his like fucking Tinder bio on there. There's a continuity guy also, I'm just saying. There's a guy who's in charge of continuity for this moment. Okay, put that white chicken back. Well, at least now I know who I have to call to find out what the fuck happened about Quinn's

beauty context here. I did enjoy the music. I love the music along with these credits each time. It's like, MacGyver's just about to blast open the door and the theme with like a game boy and a potato and it's really exciting. And then they we get the Vultures theme. We didn't have Game Boy's back in MacGyver's day, but yeah, yeah, no, but I get it. And so we're going to start the movie off where the last one left off, which was with Superman getting beat up by his girlfriend's boyfriend. Yeah. And I never thought about this before, but demon vultures are a lot like force push, right?

I mean, like, why would he now let himself get beat up? Solid, solid question. I also want to point out that we do get a slightly newer scene in this, which involves a woman carrying shit on her head through the shot, very clearly not giving a fuck that there was a movie being filmed. carrying shit on her head through the shot, very clearly not giving a fuck that there was a movie being filmed. Just like steps over his body like, I don't care. I don't care.

I need to be there. I also love Heath's description of this scene more than just about anything I've ever seen. The black wall, the red stealing rose from black wall, the blue. That's what they're wearing matching Waldo shirts in this scene, except one is red and one is blue. Yeah, with the popped collar, it's so fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, it looks like a fucking fight game from the 80s. Yeah. Oh, you can't just bust down kick and then use my character. This bullshit. Yeah. So they have their

little fight. We get the the dick punch face slap from weight from red walled. Oh, black beating us blue walled. Oh, black. Yeah. Um, Eli, is this like, is this like the racist version of rock paper scissors you made off? No, that's from, well, it's black guy black guy paddle feather. Okay, culture. Where is Dick punch? Yeah, well, no, yeah, winner gets to dick punch losers. Oh, okay. So black guy always loses. Like most of the games that Eli makes up. Yeah. So now we get one of the constant challenges I have when we do the vultures of horror movies, which is we do dialogue cues, right? So like the first guy that we've said this before, the first guy that watches the movie all right down like what line is being set at the beginning of this scene?

So we're all sort of synced in in our notes. This time I just had to write nothing I put here will quickly encapsulate how this scene starts. It's true. By the way, don't listen to no, By the way, we just three guys sit around a mic and we riff. We riff with our friends. We don't script anything. And that's how you podcast. That is how you podcast. That's the key. Yeah. So petition eliminated. So, but this scene is what we have is Superman and his brother doing some sort of Shaka

Rakiki summoning using Mel Tor May words. Have you guys not heard of this spell? The blue, hippity, boo, hippity, do, hippity, hippity, hippity, hippity, hippity, hippity, do spell. I think this is the African version of Roro, Roro, your belt. I think we just caught them in an after warm up. Okay. So literally, I think I believe that was a direct translation from Heath.

The blue, hibibi, boohibibi, do is actually how the scene starts off. Hmm, hibibi, yeah, it's awesome. It's awesome. It's all there. Like the evil vulture tribe, they got to get tired of this at the beginning of everything. Like at a certain point, it's just like, great. Yeah, heavy, heavy, yeah. Can we just like plan the next blue foot thing?

He'll be, like, he'll hurry up. He skipped best. And so what they're doing is, is they're, they're doing a spell against the guy who stole Superman's girlfriend. I'm calling him Lex Luthore. I know his name's Attu, but I'm going to call him Lex. And when the hibbitty, bitty, bitty stops, the words don't get less insane. This is the exact line from Superman's brother, Steve, as he's talking to this voodoo doll. He says, you considered doing your own thing in a funky way and feeling like a big boy.

Those are the exact words sayings that happened. We should just point out that it's not like a straw, voodoo doll. It's like that weird furniture that your, your crazy sex uncle has around their house. You know, crazy sex uncle, like you go there and you're like, why do you have so much African stuff around your house? And then as a grown up, you're like, oh, it's because they were into weird sex stuff. That's what they're yelling. They're yelling at one of those statues. You weren't allowed to touch because at some point, it was inside your aunt. That is what's going on. I'm pretty sure it's a genuine Glasgow racist figure. It's glass. Weed. If you if you follow the three

of us around for the last year constantly that joke would be really fucking Which you should have we are always podcasting it is not our fault Also One throughout their giant blown up shocker kiki poster. I have yet to receive a shocker kiki poster Right look people have sent us 87 Karl the Pug of Pegacorns. I want one shocker geeky poster. We're going to make it into our live tour shirt. It's going to be amazing. Get on your shit people. Angel made a cartoon, but I want the shocker geeky poster. Yeah, Sam. I'm going to call them. Yeah, right. We got the number. Plus like two,

Yeah, right. We got the number plus like two seven hundred other numbers. It seems like they have a lot of stuff like it's a pain in the ass. Like that's a giant poster. Like they have to roll it up at the end of each thing and set it up with the racist figure. Somebody has to bring a fern branch, like a really big branch, but just one of the, I wanted to fight about it. Like did you bring the fern? I brought the movie poster. You're on first. Come on. It's like those things you set up with magnets at fight about it. Like, did you bring the fern? I brought the movie poster. You're on fern. Come on. It's like those things you set up with magnets that trade fairs. Oh, it's not attaching. We need a new one.

And also I want to point out how quickly the curses escalate here. This is like a fucking Facebook thread because Steve starts off and he goes like, you know, you are going to do your own thing in a funky way and be a big boy, but we will cut you down to size. And then Superman gets the doll and he's like, die motherfucker. I'm like, wow, that was quick. It escalates. It escalates. Yeah.

It's like letting me touch the planchette for a Ouija board. As you stop, you're pushing it. I'm not. You're the only one touching it. Okay. Hey, what are you smelling? Also, this is when we get the first of and we'll get plenty of these in the movies. The attempted unison cackel. Oh, they, it's so good. They, and they, they fuck up on the evil unison like, and they just give up. It's like, no, no, no, make eye contacts. Sorry, ma, no, two, okay. On three, ready? One, two, ma, go, go,

over. Three, two, one. Goddamn it. Are we going on? I mean, like one, two, one, God damn it. Are we going on? Why would we want three? I mean, like one, two, three, and then we laugh. How could I be laughing when I'm saying three, four? You said four after two. Just what's happening? And what they do, the way they do this is one of them laughs. The other one laughs like he's trying to catch up. And then they both turn to the camera and wah-hah-hah, off time with one another.

And like, I'm supposed to just carry on with my life. I'm supposed to just keep working and breathing and whatnot after this happens. Yeah. Holy shit. And apparently this is a fast acting spell because now we're going to cut over to Rosa's boyfriend's car just in time for a vulture to shit lasers on it. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, dammit.

Now the car has an extra life. This is definitely more of a power up graphic than a curse. It was like the blue flashy disco bowling ball, Jar Jar Binks and the gungans use. Yeah, kind of with a little less opaque, but yeah. So, but yeah, I'm assuming he has a force field or super speed or an extra life, but no, apparently that shut his car off. And I love this moment. This is something that you only get in Vulture's or like they have to play like the car won't

start, but they can't actually like, he can't turn the keys because the car would then start. So he just jiggles them softly. They have jingly keys for a whole different reason in these movies. Exactly. And then he convinced us by scratching his body that the car is getting hot. And then, well, hold on, is it, is it? I think, I think the vulture used the mild itching beam before the, I mean, it's like

a combo beam. It's like a two punch, you itch and then the car explodes into two cars. That explosion is so amazing. Car explosion is everything. It is. It would be an unacceptable flip book. If your kid brought this to you as a flip of you, you can do better than that. And you're seven now.

You're seven. All the parts just basically land where they started, there's more cars in the explosion than there were at the end. And this is an explosion that has lost its will to go on. This is Brian, if he was an explosion. Yep. Just I just go straight to the giant fireball magic. Why the itching? They forced. So stupid. Oh, Jesus, the credits were still rolling at the bottom of the screen. And I had nine pages of notes at this point. So now we cut to the wailing that we were talking about in the intro, at least the first

bit of wailing. There are, I shit, you know, I counted 22 people seated side by side on a porch. And they're all quite well, they're not all crying. There's like two people really carrying all the crying weight in this scene, but there's a lot of crying coming out of these folks. Absolutely. And the bad guys are watching on like a magic mirror and synced up laughing at all the people crying and they nailed it. By the way, this time, this time, they like got together to a six week laughing workshop with a guy in Paris and then they just made first take Marlon Brando. They got a metronome. Yeah, they're.

And this is the scene I was talking about also where like again, everyone in this scene is wearing a different weird hat. You just have to imagine that people showed up and we're like, oh, fuck, I was going with giant purple Dr. Sue stocking cap. And now you, I got to do a different thing. Is anybody, is anybody here doing big, yellow bowler? Nobody. I have. Okay.

Currently living Fox juggling. Right? It's mine now. How many balls? Nope. No. I was doing going to do five. No, only if he does pins.

If he does pins, it's different. That's stupid. A fox juggling pins. That doesn't make any sense. They're too small. How would people be able to see them? This is why we have meetings. And so as they're watching, as the evil brothers are watching all the crying, Superman turns

to Steve and he says, I feel like doing something, Steve. And I'm like, that's definitely gay sex, but no, it's straight sex. Yeah. He's going to finally magic rape rose. After four movies. Yeah, no, we spent four movies with him going like, well, if I sell my iPad to get enough money, maybe she'll fuck me in. And his brother the whole time is going like, why don't you just use the first push, bro?

You can force push her clothes right off and then rape her a lot. And so now he finally takes that good advice. And when he says it, his brother goes, that's my guy. And I just want to say that's my guy is the weirdest response you can have to someone deciding to finally hypnosis rape somebody. I'm just saying. What's an appropriate response? I don't know.

I'm not asking for a friend. Cut it out. Yeah. Well, the line we get next is call her from the CAD win of Monis. Do you have any idea what that was? Not a clue. The magic TV. Not a clue.

But immediately after that, an astrosmash projectile hits her in the tits so she becomes zombified and starts walking towards him. All right. Somebody out there knows what astrosmash is and knows exactly what I'm going for. That's the exact visual. Anyway, so much less usable form of astro glide. From Noah's times, astros mesh, bite in a guess station bathroom. It's the guys.

So Steve gives his brother some quick magic rape advice and then they cackled together some more and then Rose shows up all submissive and magic. And I love how romantically they play this moment, you know, where he picks her up and carries her across the threshold to magic rape her. Yeah. This movie didn't want to like to overplay the whole rape through magic hypnosis thing. You know, they wanted to show the positive sides of it. I guess. And they end this scene with, I don't even know how to describe this kiss. Oh, I thought you ate the side of her face. I was in a kiss. There's a much, a lot more like a zombie movie.

Yeah. See, I was going to go with, imagine like a super passionate kiss from a movie, but the actors miss and don't care Yes, I want to stand what you guys missed fuck it So much of that song as we can use and fuck you sound garden try and take my money as we can use. Fuck you, Soundgarden, try and take my money. And now we cut to somebody being tormented by vultures. Now, this has been a running theme. I don't think I really realized this until this film, but for whatever reason, no one can keep their pants on while they're under magic vulture attack I was He was fucking the And it went bad or is the natural reaction to vulture attacks to take your penis out

I think so he cocking so you yeah, you scare them It's like a bear how you try to get bigger Oh, then with a vulture you're like no look I have a dick and they're like oh I the vulture, you're like, no, look, I have a dick. And they're like, oh, I say, it seems to me, Eli, that someone gave you that advice and you followed it. Well, I've shown my dick to a lot of vultures. That's the wrong way to behave. I don't want to be right. Well, you know, you haven't been laser attacks by any of them. So I guess I can't really argue with your logic here. And this is, we've gotten a lot of vulture

attacks in this movie. This might be my favorite one here. I mean, obviously it's no floating chair. Um, but so the first the vulture comes in and pecs out his eyes, mm-hmm. And then he turns him to dust and then into a laser hockey puck. We're just getting started folks. Yeah, and then his neighbor comes out and he's like, Hey, someone getting blinded and turned into a laser hockey puck up here. And a skeleton runs on screen like someone doing their

tack in a high school play and the laser disc that used to be the guy at the guy who's come out to check it out. And now he is also blind and then very quickly after turns to dust. If I think feels unnecessary, yeah, right? Just appearing these people, they're blind for half a second first. I don't know. There's a theme we found in the last month or so. It's that the movies who watched tend to not skip steps, they need

to skip. That may be the theme of the last 87 movies. Like editing, for example, steps like that. Sound, yeah. And by the way, I believe those were the other two rapists from the beginning of the last movie. I think that's what that was. That was like the Volultures taking out Quinn's

last two rapists. Or maybe it was just two people. I don't know. This was, and I have to point this out, we were, this is 10 minutes and 32 seconds into the movie. This is when my Nintendo Switch arrived. Okay. We were recording this week in advance because he lies out. This is where to run. And I had the Zelda game came the day before. So it's really, ready for it. My wife came in, she just held the box out like you know like just kind of around the corner or whatever and I'm like Fuck and I watched the rest of this movie instead of playing fucking Zelda for you people I was everyone notes for the rest of the movie I know another thing silly things

You get it riff You're putting these goddamn chickens on here on purpose. You're just trying to tease me. Yeah. So and then we cut to Quinn chilling in her dorm room, doing her makeup and her roommate shows up crying over the blinded laser dust explosion skeletons. And Quinn could not be less casual. She's like one of the two of our classmates were murdered and their body parts was scattered all over and she's like, uh-huh. Well, they're gonna be dead forever. So I have a cinnamon to get to the correct closes.

Six to eight, they cut the prices in half. Yeah, so she gives them a quick like, yeah, sorry about them, then guys, I really got to, got to be some anyway. So and a roommate asks her, you know, like you're, I know you didn't like those guys and they tried to rape you and everything, but you are going to go to the memorial for them, aren't you? And she's like, oh, you know, half price from six to eight. I don't know if I made that clear.

She's like making the, I don't want to have lunch with you, but you want to have lunch with me. Excuse me. Oh my God. Yes. It has been so long. Ah, text me. Do you sell my number? It's six is the first one.

You know the rest. You, yeah, you'll figure out from there. Facebook me. Facebook me. I can ignore that. What's the easiest thing to ignore? They'll, they'll let me, let me, let me, mail me a Google invite and then I will get back to you.

So busy. I've got a recording that day. How many shows do you do a week? Eight. So if you didn't want to go to lunch, but whatever you want. Want to go to my moons and get a hope. It would have been good.

He did mail that Google invite by the way. So now we're going to cut to Cornell West's underfunded clone, dancing crazily in the street for the next 27 minutes, oof, yelling all the math terms the writers knew about. Yeah. And I just I want to point out that the only way that you can tell that this is his crazy ramblings and not just the dialogue of this movie is because this doesn't have his pants properly facet. Yeah. Yeah.

Like that's like this movie's code for crazy because they need to give you a fucking code. Right. Exactly. We all have at some point in our notes for this scene. This dialogue is different than the rest of the movie. Harder to easier to it is. It is. It is. The closest to making sense anyone ever got. I'm like, yeah, you could conquer the sun with enough plastic made a dinosaur heads. Yeah. No, that makes more sense than most of this film.

Honestly, though, this is like a plus acting in this effort grade, effort grade a plus, like he is going for it. It's fantastic. Oh, yes. Yes. He's going for a no sker on this one. That's Nigerian Oscar people. I wasn't afraid. How How dare you? And I would have to say this is probably the best acting we've seen in this film so far. But while he's running around being insane and talking about how he's going to conquer the sun, Quinn and her roommate walk by and see him being all insane. And the roommate has the most bizarre reaction because she's like whoever did this to him will never have peace. Like he's got he's mentally ill. That's, whoever did this to him will never have peace. Like he's got, he's mentally ill.

That's not a did this. I mean, in this movie, yes, someone did that to, but normally that's not a culprit kind of thing. Yeah, but not in Nigeria. In Nigeria, you like follow footprints back to a wizard. I guess so from the closest crazy person. Do you guys speak Nigerian? I didn't get any of this scene.

I have nothing. Keith, it's because you take notes in your own sheet. You got to read Noah's notes. That's what I do. I read Noah's notes back 30 seconds. Yeah, sure. Why not? At least we can all agree at the end of it.

Even if we nobody understands that we can pretend well. Yeah, textual criticism for hundreds of our Oh, they stack Noah up like 400 times. He is 400 pounds. He's he's god. Yeah, no, clearly. Um, so, uh, yes, episode come out yet. Yeah, no, I was thinking that way. Someone

might get that a call forward or a call. No, that's a call back. That's a call back. That was last week. The only timeline that matters is mine. No, you nailed that one. You nailed it. So now we're going to cut to Rosen's Superman post coitus. Oh, I wanted 25 minutes of awkward, sticky dick conversations. Just like, oh, I'm going to jump in the shower. Oh, you're going to shower? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to shower. I got my tissue. No, no, I'm going to bathe. I'm going to babysit him, wiping off gross on also. Yeah, right. You want me to smearear come on me. No, I'm going to shower. But now I'll have little fibers from the tissue.

No, that'll be much better. That'll be. It'll look like I was trying to shave. Like a savage. No, I don't want to wash cloth. No, fine. And back to running water. 100% of the time.

Lucky me. Go all in on this. I feel a lot guilty. You're saying that when we're doing a Nigerian movie, but they're very clearly air drying. That's not. Yeah. So they've been crazy fucking apparently. And now she wants to marry him. And he seems okay with that. I mean, that was the plan the whole time. And it's super casual. She's like, I would like to marry.

He's like, yeah, okay. I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna go to the fridge. You wanna like a yogurt? I got chabani. Go on. No, that's it. So yeah, no, that's actually it.

He's like, yeah, no, I'll marry you. I'll be back in a minute. I'm gonna run into the living room and not be with you now. Right. And this is where his, we fight. I'll be back in a minute. I'm going to run into the living room and not be with you now. Right. And this is where his, we fight, we come across this brother eating now. I should point out that in this movie, when people eat, first of all, it's always with a spoon, like a ladle, a human.

And they're always eating some weird, sloppy, like, they get from the matrix. You know, that 100% Oliver Grohl. Yeah. Exactly. some weird sloppy little little from the matrix. 100% Oliver Grool. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. They live on a completely grueled diet there apparently. Tasty wheat. Yeah, exactly.

And he has that like, uh, Joe is wants to fuck and he's like, literally you used magic powers to make this happen. Yeah, but yeah I heard eventually you want to play Zelda. I'm just saying. I mean fucking is great It's not that I don't love you and want to sleep with you But the fucking disorder people the damn is gonna break and it's like the Zora Kingdom twice everybody needs twice And then take care of yourself, okay? And twice. Plus there's or a kingdom. Twice, everybody needs twice and then take care of yourself.

Okay. Exactly. Get out of here. The first time I took Viagra after like twice, I'm just like, okay, is there an un, un, like is there a thorazine for this? Well, now I have a place for the towels. All right. Hippie Libby, you guys, there's Spell for KFAM.

Hippie Libby, I know. Hippie Libby, you just talk straight. Really slow things down. bell for changing. Maybe the gym. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, have here basically as him saying, like she wants sex every second, I can't handle it anymore. And I sure wish I had won her of her own free will. And but not that bad because then after the scene is over, he goes back to fuck rose some more. And does this strike anyone else as the buddy who won't go down on the girlfriend problem?

Like I've had this conversation a couple times in my life where the guys just like, yeah, man, day and night. And I'm like, really? Day and night. You sure you're not bad? Cause, cause, you know, if you get it done, day and night, not really a thing. He's like, what are you talking about? And they're like, yeah, you don't know what I'm talking about. They don't need a minute. They, they, they truly only need a minute. That's true. Do you need a tech? No. Yeah, you're doing this wrong. You're doing

this wrong. So now we cut over. One of us is doing this wrong. I think it's me. So now we cut over to rot foot lady from the bodega getting rot foot treatment. Ugh, just when I couldn't get more aroused. And I love this. They have a dedicated foot washing cinder block for glue foot. Like that's something they have almost everything in this movie is a legitimate source of white guilt. And can we point out that there is a very audible goat in the background of this entire scene? The entire scene is like, my sister, maa, maa. It's like neighbors having a fight that you want

to ignore. Maa, maa, maa, ma, man, just like don't engage. You don't want to be a part of that drama. Yeah. Man. So give me the pizza, man. So no. So, okay. So, and as the daughter or something is fixing the rot foot ladies foot or whatever on the dedicated rot foot

center block. Well, you don't want your, your glue foot touching the grass because that would be gross. So you have the glue foot block. Everything in Nigeria is like kids playing, but they don't have all this stuff. You know, no, this will be a desk. Yeah. This is it. This will be a desk.

So, yeah, but they're talking about rows and what the hell happened to her because apparently when she went off on this fuck fest, she didn't leave a note for anybody. So they haven't seen her in two days. Right. And so she put the curse on whoever killed her son and stole Rose. Well, right. Now again, in this movie, this is really what happened. But if you take that out of it for a second, this woman had a foot ailment, her son died in a car accident and her daughter went off to fuck some student and didn't tell

anybody about it. Therefore, witches, right? Terrifying outside of this movie. Right. And so she sends the younger girl that's that's helping her with her foot off to go find Rose and see what happens. But of course we can't end this scene until we see what she does with the foot washing tub. It's put it away by the way. I was very grateful with that, by the way, just like tied up that loose end. I think she's like literally she has to walk off camera right by first. She takes the thing up on the porch and then sets it up and pours the way we watch her do all of that. Just some improv. I really wanted to just like casually start gluing construction paper with the thing up in the porch and then sets it up and pours the way we watch her do all of that.

I really wanted to just like casually start gluing construction paper with her foot together and make thoughts and crafts. And then she plot talks for like another five minutes. Yeah. Well, once Dee Dee leaves, the younger girl, the rot foot lady has to like direct address the camera about how she's going to kill the person that killed her son and gave her rot foot. She will kill the fuck out

of that person. So now the non-footlady, D.D. from the last scene is walking down wild chicken road. Chicken fight. Well, I have no idea what goes on in this scene. I watched it seven times never for the characters in the foreground. It is a full edipian, I don't know if that's a word, there's a full, there's a full, edipal drama going on in the back of the chicken runs it to its father on the road and it plays it. Mary is it's watch? But I don't, you don't have to watch all of the Vultures movies, but watch the nine

act Wagner opera and tirely done by chickens going on in the background. It's fantastic. Yeah. And there's it's so diverse. There's so many types of chickens. I mean, it's like a college brochure of chicken diversity. I'm a bar fight in the background. A big parade.

They're all dressed in like hipster clothes and shit. I like, I honestly, I was expecting Kendall Jenner to hand a Pepsi to a ro parade. They're all dressed in like hipster clothes and shit. I was expecting Kendall Jenner to hand a Pepsi to a rooster at some point. I was just expecting a link to run through and pick one up. My mind was on one thing at this point. Yeah. Holy shit. Okay. So in the foreground of the chicken fight, which is a guy, this, that's the scene. This is just background shit, the dialogue between these two characters. But I wanted to write this down. This is the kind of dialogue we get in this movie. Okay. So D.D. runs into Rosa's dad as she's walking over to find out where Rosa's. This isn't exactly what we get. It's actually more monotonous than this. But this is the kind of dialogue we get.

I don't know where she is. You don't know where she is. I was going to check on her because I don't know where she is. I don't know where she is. You two don't know where she is. I thought she was with you. Then where is she? I don't know. Brrr. Brrr.

Let me jump. Brrr. Brrr. Brrr. Brrr. I wasn't ready for you guys to start doing the trick. Brrr. I made it all the way to my notes. The important part of the scene is the chicken fighting.

Yeah, no, exactly, exactly. But that was a dialogue that mattered. There is five minutes of them saying the exact same thing. We don't know where Rose is in slightly different senses. We don't know where Rose is. We are unaware of Rose's location. Rose is aware about snow. We not so stupid.

I'm chicken idle going on in the background. That was memories from past. Has done my chicken. I've been working on that. I've been waiting for the opportunity to use that for so long. I got this one. I hope the audience enjoys this as much as I do. Otherwise, this shows sucks. All right. So, but the key on this one is that like after several days of no one being

able to find Rose, finally, someone's like, you know what, why don't we call our phone? I saw how many numbers there are in Nigeria and phone numbers so I can see why you would be hesitant, but they try that but a phone is switched off, so that doesn't help. Yeah. And now one of the elders is asking someone else about Rose. I apparently didn't feel they had hammered home. The no one knows where Rose is under current to this episode with that big, ambiguous scene that we just had with the chickens.

Or maybe they just explained to you know, people are going to really be paying attention to the chickens. They're going to have no fucking idea what that was. And they were right. They were right. They obviously watched Daily's and they were like, guys, we just made the best movie of were right. They obviously watched daily. They were like, guys, we just made the best movie of all time. It's about chickens. It's 45 second wall. But we got to get people back in on our plot. Yeah. Right. So few people know

where roses though. There is one moment of this scene though, where the elder guy when the girl walks away and says, no one know nowhere roses. He goes, I have never even heard of a kidnapping. And I wrote in my notes, really guy who lives in Nigeria. Yeah, right. He heard of a kidnapping. Okay. Okay. You never heard of a kidnapping.

And then he sits there to eat his fucking tasty wheat. Well, she wanted herself. And meanwhile, Superman and Rose have paused the fuck fast long enough for him to feed her. It's a bed, yeah. However, if you're picturing sexy bed food like strawberries dipped in chocolate, you should stop. No, the exact op, he's shoveling like a KFC famous bowl into her face like he's powering a

steam engine. It's an off track. It's amazing. By the way, this is now two out of two scenes. These characters are doing things that people think they want, but don't non-stop fuck sessions and feeding each other. Anyone who's ever tried to feed another person. It's like, you do it. What are you a fucking baby?

Just eat it. Eat. And I'll eat. No, stop. Get away from me. I just realized having something forced into my mouth is actually not fun. Speak for yourself. Yeah.

And so she has never enjoyed herself more than this and wants him to hasten the formal marriage rights. So weird burst of vocabulary. And he says, he responds to this question, oh, that's the most wonderful thing I've heard all year. Are you sure year was the time span you were looking for there, bro? Let's go back to not fucking in this not even twin bed. Somebody name a span of time, anyone in the crowd, a span of time, day, year, microsecond. I heard year. I heard

year. The longest one profession. Both your rapists, all right? We've got a movie. This movie is coming together. And now we cut to the elders and one of the dudes is weeping because since no one can find Rose, they assume she's dead. And they broke out their silliest hats. Oh my God. silliest hats. They're all right. And props. Yeah. Everyone's got a power up. Yeah. One of them's got a skateboard in his hand. The other guy's got his feather again. Yeah, and all the hats in this one are like, they're hats you'd buy for a newborn baby full-size people. A newborn baby not in a country by the equator. Like

we do hats for newborn babies. They all have this is from the hats your boss wears to tell you he's wacky at the Christmas party collection. You guys having a good time? You want some drink tickets? Huh? I love the opening line here too, because like the guy, the, the, the father, the rose his father says, what do you mean she's dead? And I wanted somebody to go like, I'm not Obi-Wan, Kenobi, motherfucker. I mean, she's not alive anymore. That's what those words mean. But she's not. It's just, you know, it's Africa, no one's senior in 36 hours. So, you know, you assume apparently,

if he even Africa, you are gone for two days, you are dead. Apparently. Yeah. And Kwame's there too. Now, normally when we see the village elders, they don't have him there. Kwame's there and he's kind of going like, nah, you know, what are you, we get the dead daughters die time of time.

It's just a, it's a thing. I think that's the one. I think it seems like you, uh, you've really been monopolizing the conversation. It's set less several minutes about this subject. You're not even going to ask about my day. Yeah. The other guy goes like, I'm very sorry, brother. So I will pat you on the back with my weird cow fan now as a

symbol of how sympathetic you know. Yeah. And by the way, they've decided she's dead, right? Yeah. Like in this town gone for two days equals definitely murder rate dead. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Clearly. Well, I mean, I don't know. This father's never even heard of kidnapping, but you know, apparently someone has, and I also want to point out like Superman is Rose's ex boyfriend, right?

Like when her boyfriend, present boyfriend died and she disappeared, no one thought to ask the ex boyfriend if he'd seen her. Yeah, this movie's cast is all the people who think Adnan didn't do it. No, no, it was a serial killer who maybe walked through Maine once. So nice on the phone. It could have been.

You're all silly. He was eaten by dogs. That also isn't a call forward. Well, not you guys are killing this. I'm just not referencing that any other episodes today because I'm so fucked up in that. Least troubles stupid. And then we go back to Superman. And apparently he's done with all this rose fucking.

The anticipation was was greater than the reality. So he releases her from the magic spell. And he says time to go bitch. I've had enough of you, which I think is the first swear we've had in the movie and was very abrupt. Yeah. Cause last year scenes, he's been like, oh, she wants so much sex all the time. Yeah. Mary and I was like, all right, get the fuck out of here. Those are the words of a roofie canceling spell. Yeah, exactly.

I'm telling you, go be actually consistent. I love it. Yeah, the opening of the spell is hibbity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity,

bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, bity, tells her to go away, we watch her get dressed for a uncomfortably long time. You're like 10 minutes, just like, uh, fucking sweatpants. A white ass day looking for a sock. Yeah. It's in the sheets. It's in the sheets. Oh my God, looking the fucking sheets. So he's in the, it's in the sheets, in the sheets.

Look in the sheets. Please look in the sheets. Unless I didn't, unless I didn't use a washcloth in which case, you're just not going to find it. So stop looking. And then she, she walks into town until that aftrosmash project, I believe, is her. And then she says, basically, red the camera, where am I coming from? I don't know where I am.

So, yeah. My butthole is licked sparkly. What have I been up to? And so she shows up at dad's house, right? Yeah, her dad's house. And dad, he can't believe she's real. He's been gone for today. And he just he pokes her right in the booby awkwardly. Like she has to move his hand away like the

brand from the bad like excuse me. Thank you. Don't improvise, groping me. And her immediate reaction was, wait, did I miss him being buried? Did I miss him being buried? It's like, did she give him a necklace to hold? What is the fascination of the burial? Yeah, I'm sure it's a cultural thing or well, I'm guessing who the fuck knows? Maybe they just made it up as they went. But yeah, and also like, I love the fact that her dad's reaction,

she's been going for two days, y'all. That's not even that much of a bender. Her dad's reactions are you a ghost? She has to touch her to make sure she's not a ghost of herself because she's been gone for almost 48 hours now. Right. You can check for ghost on my shoulder, relax. I'm not.

And high five. Yes. You have a ghost behind it? No, there's no reason. No, no, no, no. You're not in your friendship. So yeah, but she can. No, there's no reason. No, no, no, no, no, no. Friendship. So yeah, but she can't remember where she was and he's very upset and sad or whatever. And now we cut to the next scene where it's her and her friend, D.D., the girl that

was looking for her earlier. And I wrote in my notes immediately as this scene started. I was like, 100 bucks says this scene contains no new information from the last one. I would win that 100 bucks by the way. You would. Although the two characters do figure out that if she doesn't remember where she was and she was in fact gone for four days, she was probably under a magic spell. I mean, Occam's razor, you know, obviously.

Yes. Yeah. Also, there's this line in the scene and I went back and I'm almost certain this is what actually was said because at the funeral, she just wandered off because the asterisk mesh project, I'll hit her in the tit at the funeral. So she just wanders off and her friend, Dee Dee says, the last time I saw you, you walked away from the funeral like someone who is going to ease herself. I must know what that means. Does that mean masturbate? Hmm. That's what I would mean.

This is why we need to call that number. Hahaha. I have a series of questions, some of them from Twitter. Yeah, but apparently nobody's buying this. I don't know where I was shit from her, except unless she was under some mystical trance. Mm hmm. Yeah. And so the next scene is them talking about what kind of mystical trance she might have been on. Oh, for fuck's sake. So yeah, and this time it's it's Rose's dad talking to one of the other elders about

the thing they were talking about in the last scene I got. Yeah. The only thing of note that I noted in this scene was that Rose's dad, one of the village elders, is so clearly not wearing any underwear underneath his robe thing. Yeah, no, no, he was, he was swinging freely there. But also I love because he's like, perhaps she was under an evil magic spell. You know, the other option is she wanted to fuck some dude and didn't want to tell you guys. But yeah, but the other guy, the other elder is like, obviously, no. Yeah, definitely evil,

mystical hypnotism magic. Can't think of anything else that would cause your hot daughter to be gone for a couple of days and not tell you what she had been doing. Yeah, better go to the priest for a cleansing. Yeah, that's and that's their responsibility. We get some bad advice compared to other movies on our show. You're right. He's like, first things first and dad's like, rape kit? And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

have the have the priest check for evil charms in her aura. Check it. Check it. Check it after. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, have the have the priest check for evil charms in her aura. Check. Check for just after. But I wanted to be treated like a rape kit. Like you get lost and you got to pay for it yourself and then cops take you into basement. You just got to dig through other demon kits to get in finally, it's inadmissible because you opened it accidentally.

Jesus. Jesus. You got to sue the demon and civil court. Your jokes are so depressing. I mean, they're funny, but they're so depressing. Yeah, Brian Brown in the story. It's very similar. And then of course, this scene also has to end with someone directly addressing the camera and saying, when I find out who magic rapes my daughter, I will kill the fuck out of that person.

Except really high pitched. He doesn't really high pitched. I can't even I smoke too much to imitate that. So that weird combination of high pitched and foreboding will take a quick break. But before we do, let me give act three of the hard sell here. Will roses father get the revenge he seeks? Will this episode ever contain the main character? Will that bodega lady eventually stop wailing about our goddamn foot? Find out the answers to these

questions and more when we return for the suddenly over conclusion of revenge of the vultures. Disquan. Hi, welcome to generic bank. Please don't sue us. How can I help you today? Yeah, I'm looking for a loan. Oh, okay, I'm sure we can hook up with that. And what is the purpose of the loan? Razors. Sorry, what? Yeah, I gotta shave the old noggin, razors. Oh, really, I thought you were just.

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All right. So I guess I won't be needing that loan after all. Gas or maybe get one anyway for like, hats. I'm not bald. You're bald. Dollar shave club. The smarter choice. Especially if you're bald. I'm sure it's. Especially if you're about to. Hahaha. Are you lonely looking for some fun? Then call the Vultures of Horror Sex Line.

Where all of your fantasies come true? Because of bad magic. What am I wearing? Face-pate. And only face-pate. Ooh, I can see you in my mirror now. Now I'm blowing up your boyfriend's car. Call now and talk to hard the vulture near you.

Look, if I don't become community chief, nobody will. Uh, um, who are you talking to? We're old. I'm here. Nobody. Nobody. I'm just saying. Nobody will. Yeah. Okay. But see right here. Who are you looking at? It's like you're looking out, but we're over here. I'm not nothing. I'm looking at nothing. Oh, I can absolutely see you. You're not. Yeah, me too. And hear you as well. Well, you got.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'll just. And once again, none of us remembered an important thing we had during the interstitial break. So we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to start off this scene with what I can only describe as an outtake from the Ministry of Silly Walk sketch.

Oh, another 25 minutes of a guy being slightly different than the rest of this movie, which means he's crazy. Well, you can tell by the pants. And the fact that he decorated himself like a homeless themed Christmas tree. Indicative. Otherwise what we know is the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Yeah. I gotta say, the insane people in this movie seem to be the only ones having any fun. I used to pay a lot of money to feel like this guy feels right now. Mm-hmm. By the way, in the background

of this scene, there is very clearly a car failing to navigate a dirt road. It's a good time if you want to follow that. Not as good as chicken fight, but as far as background goes. Yeah, I mean, we peaked early on that, but yeah. Okay, yes. So quick question about this crazy guy. If I asked you guys before the movie started, will somebody finger their own butt and smell

it? What would you have said? I probably I would have gone with probably in the movie or as a part of our cast either one. Oh, in that case, definitely. I don't know and 100%. It's correct. You guys are both correct. I don't know and get out of my room. And okay, so this is, this is Mr. Lucky, this particular vulture of a fight crazed a fight person is Mr. Lucky, who is going to be the village chief, even though Kwame really wanted to be village chief, until Kwame cursed him with vulture magic to make him panceless crazy.

And I just want to point out that like when they see him versus his voice, if anyone ever makes a sound balancing TV, I will be the first human to buy that. I will line up like those Chinese people for iPhones. I mean, I've spent so much of my life desperately adjusting the volume of Christian movies, depending on the character speaking, you have a customer, I'm just saying. Yeah, at least two customers. Yeah. And so and I also love to let for just a second, you have this like, are these two people part of the movie or not? Absolutely. Oh, the people walking by the other direction.

Yeah. And they are. Are they? Well, yeah, yeah, they're too. They get us elders, but at first it's just like, oh, yeah, I guess you couldn't like close off the road there. Could you? No, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Right. They talk for a second. They're just two, two other elders. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they're trying to decide since, since Mr. Lucky obviously can't be the community chief. Now who's going to take the job? And they decide on ingenia kutu, just because they wanted me to have to spell that. And by the way, my spell check seems to think I got it right. It has no problem at all with ingenia kutu, the way I wrote it. To be fair, that's just because you share Google docs with me

and I've tried to write the words in yes and no, in the same sentence. I just like, yeah, no, I've tried to write the words in yes and no, in the same set. Eli's typing in green today. No, it's green in our notes. Yes, I am. Eli's normally blue. Behind the curtain there. I made Heath pink, but he changed it to red the first day.

No, he's not. No, Cecil's pink. So what happened? And by the way, apparently Ingenia Koutu is, cojo is, is, is Mini Lebron, Wutu, the, the main character. Yeah, who is alternately, is he the main character? Cojo and Ingenia Koutu. I mean, he's the only thing we have that's remotely close to a protagonist. He's all we have left to hold on to. Give me this. I like the new elder guy that we just met. He looks like a, like a jazz trumpet player in medieval times. He's got a cool hat. He's the best hat so far. And that's some stiff competition, holy shit. So yeah, they decide that,

like since in jenye kutu was the runner-up for village chief, they should give the job to him. But first they have to have a meeting of the elders. So the next scene is the meeting of the elders that they were talking about at the end of the last scene. But Kwame is late and they communicate this by having the other characters sit around waiting for him in silence for a solid three minutes before he runs over and is like, sorry, I am late. And pro tip, you do not have to show people waiting. You can just start right with I am late. We'll puzzle it out. We'll figure it out.

We'll retrofit the them waiting. No, but we just see them literally just moving their mouths with no audio for like five minutes. Finally, Kwame is like, sorry, sorry, I'm No, but we just see them literally just moving their mouths with no audio for like five minutes. Right. Finally Kwame is like, sorry, sorry, I'm late, but I brought a microphone. So we can start. My phone could only follow one of them. I guess. Yeah, but my first note on this, it was, do they know the cameras are rolling?

They can't know the cameras are rolling, can they? Jesus. So Kwame shows up and they're going to have this meeting about who should be village chief. Of course, and Kwame is wanted to be village chief ever since he was a baby, apparently, but they're going to pick his brother, who to and they in Kushbal. Yeah. That's. you sound like that. You're describing visually what? But Kwame is pissed. Yeah. And Kwame's response to this is to go, no, we need a man with a liar

and heart, a man who's great, a man who's strong. And I'm like, are you going to say you? And he's like, yeah, me. I also love that apparently when they were trying to figure out who could be the village chief of this shit hole city, the bazillionaire philanthropist that single handedly funds the entire town was their second choice. Well, it's based on hats. And he has not yet worn a hat in this.

No, no, yeah, exactly. He's quite a minister. And my minister lucky had like an email thing with a server like I understand. Oh, so love. Okay, I'm pretty sure this is the words that are actually being used here when they spend a few minutes telling Kwame about how much more awesome his brother is than him. And he says, that is erud nonsense. That's what I wrote to. I was

like like a desert. Erud desert nonsense. I started to doubt the definition of erud myself. I was like, I feel like it means try. Yeah. So that was some erud nonsense. And that's where he goes off about how you need a man of military strength with lion hands. You don't, you know, giant cock too, huh? Yeah. And they say, you know, like, we would never make you chief Kwame. You can only be community chief over my dead, vulture laser body. And then Kwame gets extra mad and he starts, he throws out an ultimatum. He goes,

if I don't become community chief and then he turns the camera like he's Brett Farve and doesn't know how it works. I don't become chief. Nobody will staring right at the camera. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we guys, I'm not in the movie. I'm not in the movie, dude. What you are now, my friend, you are now. So we now we go to Kwame's wife and his kids chilling at the house. And everyone in this like pre talking part is doing all the things wrong. She's sewing like she's handing the needle to a ghost in between each stitch. The card game there playing appears to be place her cards in the center and then it will be over. It's clearly not a game. They're just doing meaningless motions with why can't one of these movies just play cards or chess or something real that just you

later now if they have cards there you've got to imagine they also have card games also apparently I know we've mentioned this before, but apparently in this house they have at least one chakra kiki tour poster in each room and we have zero. The office looks naked without it yeah, but this is where he has to come in and tell everybody the terrible news that Kujo Wutu, Ingenia Kutu is going to be the village chief, not him. And everyone's very upset, despite the fact that we've been through this before, folks. Yes. This conversation has happened in every Vultures film. This is the fifth film with equal amounts of surprise and outreach. Yeah, that he's not going to be

village chief. Yeah, so it's about the same damn thing. Yeah, but Steve is willing to fight for his dad to make him village chief. So they're going to do that. So now we get to Kwame lying awake at at night thinking about it like a me after a Twitter fight just like and then what you don't know is at. Yeah. And his Vio is just explaining the last two scenes in more details than I have in my notes. Yeah. It's very clear that he was like, look, the last scene was good, but I think we need

it explained with visuals of my weird, flabby tits descending into my armpits. And they can. And they did. Lucky us. And during his voice over by the way, at one point, he's talking about his brother and he goes, I may have to stink him. Yeah.

Stink him in a way that he will have nothing in him at all to attract the people. Like, like an upper decker. No, I was thinking a Hitler. I assume it involved chocolate covered pretzels. How does Hitler fit in? It's the Jewish version of the upper decker. Really? No. No. You're getting ready for the record. So you put your finger in your butt. And then when they're asleep, you put it right below their nose. So they look like Hitler. But then they smell shit and they're like, where's all that shit? And they don't know it's them. You got to do that with people who will think it's funny. Still try to find one of those people, but I will.

Oh, for a lot. Oh, for a lot. Oh, so by the way, what are my favorite parts of the scene? Kwame's wife is right next to him. She's supposed to be asleep, but she won't stop moving. No, like she's like doing an improv, like she might as well be like steering with a steering wheel and bed for a reason. It's so stupid. And then she wakes up to the sound of his inner monologue. Yes. Yeah. She's like, what would you say? He's like, I said that. So okay, it's fine. We'll just start talking regular. Yeah. And also like when she wakes up to his voice over, he must then repeat to her all the stuff he just said in his voice over.

then repeat to her all the stuff he just said in his voice over. Oh, and then she gives him a quick evil pep talk and they go back to bed. And now 45 minutes into this show, we check in on the main character, who is getting ready to close a five hundred million dollar deal. Yeah, they're considering it. They don't know if they want the $500 million deal that they're deciding. Literally, there are not $500 million on that continent. Okay. Well, I want to pretend there's $500 million deals just going free in Nigeria. No, no not just say 895 trillion? Yeah, might as well. And, but of course, first they need to raise $10 million.

You know how $500 million deals work. You first have to raise the first 10 million. What's going to like, did the Prince of America send them an email? What the fuck are happening? It's a raise 10 million first to get five. I feel like this plan is crap. Like, does anyone else really feel like this plan is crap based on the odds and the needing to raise the money?

Like, if it cut over to like a crap stable and he's just like, mmm. So, okay. Pretty good odds. I mean, it's better than get. No, yeah, yeah, it's better. It's better a single number. I'd better whatever.

Yeah. So. So. And also, okay, so the guys, he brings his two assistants in and he's like, you know, I want to make this decision, but I feel like two heads are better than one. Now, first of all, it's three heads. You're, you're, you're just counting the heads. You can see, bro. But secondly, both of his assistants disagree with his assessment of this and he still goes ahead and does it.

So what was the point of bringing them in? Yeah, he's like, yeah, and I mean, we'll put up the entire company to the bank and they're like, oh, no, do not do that. That's a terrible idea. And he's like, you are negative Nancy's basically it's every company meeting with me, Heath, Andrew, and Noah. We buy an elephant. They don't need him at the circus anymore.

We write God of the movies on the side. Stop hanging up on me. I can tell when you guys have muted. Oh, so he, okay. So he's like, they're like, who would lend us this 10 million dollars? He goes, well, I found a bank, but we'll need to put the company's assets up as collateral to which we bomb we get the Oregon strike to that collateral. You get super fast zoom in on one dude's face.

It's psychos three. So weird. And I love to how, and this is constantly throughout this movie. This has been a theme of it, but how vague every business thing in this series has been. You know, they refer to this as the business deal. Yeah. And not even the Schwartz deal or the fourth Avenue deal or it is just the business deal. And then in the next scene, we go to Kujo with his wife, recapping the previous scene,

she apparently also doesn't agree with this idea. So it's four heads, but he's going to ignore. Right. And she explains to him that he's labored for 10 years to build this company, to be the company it is today, which is of the company business. I want to someone to run and point a gun in her head, say what this, say what it does. Say what the company does. It makes deals with the older hats.

No, that's a $500 million industry. Okay. All right. That would make sense. To which his counterpoint is, you are not thinking. $500 million is a lot of money, and I'm like, that's true. That $500 million is a lot of money. He explains what that means. Like, imagine a stack of dollar bills that's like two million inches high.

Two million inches. Well, yeah, because that was clearly her problem with it was that she had not yet realized 500 million was a large number of dollars. But yeah, yeah, exactly. So, but he ignores her and he's just like pissed off. He's like, why is everyone wondering what will happen if the business fails and like, well, everyone's livelihood will disappear then. There's probably why they're considering that heavily. And then I get to write, Hibidi Boo Hibidi Boo Bob. Yeah, as the dialogue cue for the next scene, I hate to crack to what we're recording.

Hibidi Boo Hibidi Boo. Yeah. Yeah. To the tune of Bobop by the way. Yeah. Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap,

bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, like yeah, you're sure you know, you're kind of okay with it. Now you realize how young they were when you wanted to fuck them and you're like, oh, that's a whole new thing. It's like the Olsen twins, but for gay not pedophiles. Exactly. Well, but gay, but all fucking full house Olsen twins. So upset. Oh, we're getting judging out, getting judging me and Heathrow on the same page. You got it, dude. I was on page 12 of the notes here, so I'm going to go back to classic liberal. So now in this scene, okay, so we're going to open up on them doing some more magic,

and they've got the evil white face marks going. So you know, shitits going down for this. And he during Kwame spell, he's got his, his son's out there he's doing the spell and he puts out a little African folk wisdom. He says a man who brings in firewood infected with insects invites lizards for lunch. I wanted a flash cut to lizards coming over with a pot roast just like, hey, oh my god, your home is beautiful. What the fuck was that? Oh, I would have loved to hear more proverbs from this guy. Yeah, I think so.

Two, two wrongs don't make glass house. Look, we're going to sew all of these onto a pillow and they are available in our store. And you would like your man who brings some firewood infected lizards with invites lizards for lunch pillow. hatred.com. Yeah. Nigerian folk wisdom is also all a legitimate source of white guilt.

By the way, was this not disappointing to you guys that Kwame was not holding his face in his hand? Will fire coming out of his neck? Yeah. I feel like that's, I mean, whatever spell he's going to do here is going to suck. Like that's how you do a real spell. Yeah, I mean, he did, he did that just for like the kid who took the balloon. You would have thought, yeah, but now they're, they're, they're, what they're doing now

is vulture curse and kuju. Um, and he starts the curse out by saying, you know, how dare you keep giving money to people and making them feel so poor. So yeah, classic conservative. And they're going to and they're going to take all his easels. What is that's the curse right I think that's the flock of vultures is going to fly by bunch of easels in their talons and they'll never paint for a minute. Yeah, I tell you get another easel. I get more easels.

Damn it. So, but okay, so but here's how their curse is going to go. They want to kill him, but first they have to reduce his fortune to zero and then he'll have to die. But mysteriously, mysteriously, it's got to be mysteriously at the end. And all of them at this point, this about all of them get purple vulture power ups. So they do, they can take direct hits for like the next 90 seconds. Mm-hm.

Oh, you mean, you mean the eight bit ducks from duck hunt? That was the chest. Is that what you was talking about. That was it. Yeah. Oh, it would be great if they just got flying tackled by an eight bit dog at the same time. Always would be great in all movies at all times. Yeah. And not movies. So, and I love to, okay, so at the end of the curse, he goes, you know, cool, you would

die now. And I'm like, not now, what about the wealth being reduced to zero? You just said the vultures are confused now. They don't know you have to be clear with your vulture instructions, bro. They fly back, just holding the easels. What are we doing, man? This seems stupid. Like, his coat is a fucking mess. This coat's a mess. Was this Python? Is it's Africa. Python's very intuitive, whatever. We don't have Python's there. And they're like a really emotionally aware snake. It's like what's going on?

I can tell you're being upset. He talked to me. They do the different animal that I look like besides snake. No, can we move on? So, and then how did you throw call? Yeah. You're a mean snake. And then we cut over to coup you in his office, getting vulture flame laser. Well, we assume vulture flame. We just see the flame laser. Right. And he has like a heart attack. Yeah.

And then his secretary comes in, finds him passed out on his chair and takes an extraordinary long time to realize this is a bad thing. Yeah, she's poking at him like, hey, hey, hey, for like 10 minutes before she's like, oh, right heart attack. Yeah. And then she just screams like an idiot when she finally realized she didn't call anyone or anything. And her two assistants come in, okay, now they've got to carry them down to the car.

They are bad. They're carrying. It's like being Eli trying to take a love seat upstairs. I expected it anyone in any moment for one guy going, no, you turned your side towards me. Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim-

Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim-

Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- Pim- And they like a bus boy who tried to take too much, but it's a person. Like a bus boy tried to bust too many dead bodies. And then they take him to this sad and terrifying little Nigerian hospital hospital.

Absolutely not. I'm not a hospital. I had school nurse's office or courthouse. Good and equally been either. And also just to give you an idea how bad this is they bring him in on a, let's call it gurney. It's a buffet table. It's a buffet table.

Real buffet table. And when they bring him into the door, they have to lift him up to get the gurney over the door. They don't have inclined plane yet. Oh, that's a real butter him to get him in the door. They like slam his head. It's like airplane. It's slam his head. He's turned him the other side. Slam his head on the get him in the door. They like slam his head. It's like airplane. It's slam his hand and turn him the other side.

Slam his head on the other side of the door. They literally have to like pick his arm up and move it to get him to go through the door. It's fucking. I want to let's put like 10 logs under him and we'll roll and we'll roll them in. It'll be like pyramids. And then we head over to the to the wine and juice box store that kooj's wife runs. It's about time. I mean, we need to know what happened with the sales at this lady's juice store.

Right. I mean, they teased us with it last time. And now again, mate. Also, I just want to point out this movie tempted Noah by having the exact same theme music as Zelda for this thing. Yeah, I was just like, Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, got you.

It's just vultures, more vultures. All those chickens are real chickens, too. Yeah, yeah. And so she's talking, you know, to her friends about how amazing could you is, which is what everyone does about him in this movie, which he gets a call from the secretary and just to run to the hospital. So now we, we, we head over to this hospital and this is a hospital that you could only imagine an American citizen in if like the CIA was afraid they'd over tortured him and needed him revived.

Yeah, let's go with benefit of the doubt and say the people who made this movie don't know how hospitals work, but I'm going to say this is the foremost hospital in Nigeria. And they just like got the room for a day. It might be. Everyone's just like eyeing the stethoscope like it's gold. And so we watched this doctor examine them for like several silent minutes and again, like guys, the guys like shoving the stethoscope of his ass going, I don't really know how any of this goes.

So after five minutes of that, the doctor turns to everybody and he goes, yeah, he'll be fine. He'll be fine. That's the whole diagnosis. I wanted them all to leave up. All right, let's go. Seems like he's being a real drama queen. His speed is fine.

I don't know what we're fucking worried about. But no, his wife comes running in and yells questions at his unconscious body for somewhat like 20 minutes. What happened to you? Why are you ignoring me? What animals does our friend quame like? What happened to you? Why are you ignoring me? What animals is our friend? Call me like. I love to. She goes like, um, she turns to the doctor. She's like,

please don't let anything happen to my husband. He's all I have. And he's like, don't you have two kids? You know what I mean? I don't, I don't know what you, I actually mean by that. Yeah. And of course, my notes here are simply, there are three minutes left. And then I get to play Zelda. It was important to me. So then we cut to the same place we already were, but later for a scene that could have taken place immediately after, but didn't for some reason. And this is where the doctor who said he'll be fine. 40 seconds ago says, he's getting worse, probably shouldn't have rushed into that hole. He'll be fine thing.

He has high blood pressure, diabetes. That's bad. And blood cancer. Yeah, what? Blood cancer, but he can't have candy bars. I mean, is what we're saying. Yeah, exactly. I love that.

Well, he's got blood cancer. Also high blood pressure. So we're saying. Yeah, exactly. I love that. Well, he's got blood cancer. Also high blood pressure. So we're going to watch his cholesterol. No, blood cancer be good by itself. Yeah, you want to be extra. Maybe Ebola, second cancer, hypertension. Yeah, hypertension. Cut out red meat and malformed blood cells.

I know. And add radiation. Yeah, exactly. That's the key. And also, by the way, I can't just bypass the fact that the doctor in this scene is dressed like somebody that Shaft doesn't want to bring in, but he will. If you won't tell him where big E took the congressman's daughter, you know, like, and that's how fucked up this movie is.

We almost missed that. Anyway, yeah. So she, the doctor takes her outside to tell him he's got all the diseases they could think of. But before he says that, though, like he just says your husband's case is very complicated and is and on complicated, we get the same collateral done done done organ strike that we got earlier. Complicated.

Yeah, not sure the people who made this movie know what that word means. Yeah, also I love like after he says he gives him the diabetes high blood pressure and leukemia diagnosis. He says there's also a lot of other diseases in his blood system medically doctor. Yeah. And of course, like everyone in this movie, the wife doesn't understand how a person can be healthy. And then later, not be healthy. Yes.

It's impossible. Makes no sense. And of course, then she pleads with him. She's like, Dr. please cure my husband even more than you usually cure people. Mine is the most important husband. Right. And he's like, Oh, okay, now I'll do everything now. I realize you wanted me to do everything in my power.

Yeah. Sure. And then you'll see the object in search disk two. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

That's it. That's where the movie's going to end. It's going to leave us on a cliffhanger. And, and I guess the cliffhanger in this sense is, how does that sentence end? And I guess since I already recycled previous vultures intro stuff, I suppose I can get away with recycling previous vultures outro stuff too. And simply ask for your predictions about what the next installment will bring. Well, we better find out about that juice enterprise. This is a fence. Like, how does that, their sales, I want to know about the beauty page.

That was thinking the same damn thing. Yeah, exactly, exactly. What if there's a tie in, what if the beauty page at one round is how much juice can you sell? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I think there's a whole other series. one round is how much juice can you sell? Oh shit. Oh shit. I think there's a whole other series.

And in an effort to maintain that reputation we have for cultural sensitivity here at God awful movies, I guess we can wrap up with this. What was the worst thing to ever happen in Nigeria that was still better than this movie? Boko Haram is a job creator. Probably a few more jobs than this movie. Uh, Coco Haram is a job creator. Probably a few more jobs than this movie. The world cup.

Must have gotten it once, right? I don't think so. So no, racist. And well, that does it for a review or a revenge of the Vultures disc one. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to bring you back out of hiding again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck burning hell.

This is going to be our live show from reason, con. Yeah. Yeah. So the first time this will be there for it. Estus, we have finally, I've been wanting to revisit Estus for so long. I have said to Eli so many times, are we going to do burning hell this time? Are we going to do burning? No, no, I'm saving that one.

I'm waiting until I have a very Lyme disease-ridden audience to work with. Exactly. And I want to remind everybody that at the time of this recording, we're recording about a week early, but at the time of the recording, there are still tickets available at Reason Con. Check the show notes. They may have sold out by now, kind of hoping that we still got a couple of tickets if you want to show up, um, but links that I'll have it linked on the show notes

for the episode. So with all that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 87 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us stun by living as in five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, a Vivaldi drafts on Mars and all other music was written and performed by our audiootnik of Evil Traffs on Mars, and all other music was written and performed

by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right knee-lye Bosnick. I'm an Olujinspromisner workhard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Mr. Lucky came homeless

and went on to buy his wife a wedding band at Zales. At Res OKC on Twitter, originally recommended we do these movies, and I will never be able to thank them enough. The doctor stopped fucking around and really got to doctoring now. Noah eventually did get to play Zelda. Awesome! And it was... But for that one robot sneezing, that was really good. That was pretty quiet.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I love that after this long of doing it, even the 10 count, we can't just, we don't even just, yeah, no, this, like we're once, once, once we turn it on, it can't be turned off. Goddamn. That's right. All right. Here we go. We all became Asian by the end. You became Asian.

Yeah. So you took a solid turn into China. I said multiple race assumes in every skit, guys. Come on. Okay. I thought that was really fucking funny. And then in the next scene, uh, I was drinking water. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC.

Copyright 2017. All rights reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.