God Awful Movies - 89: GAM089 Don't Touch If You Aint' Prayed

Episode Date: May 2, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Don't Touch If You Ain't Prayed; the story of a 40 year old virgin that meets a terrible, terrible human and settles for him even though he's an abusive, married, cocaine dealer and sexually assaults her. --- To get tickets to our live shows in New York, Seattle, or Salt Lake City, check here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

I Did enjoy the part right here at the beginning though where she goes to like grab food off his plate He's like seriously get the fuck off my plate. Yeah, yeah, where do you amount of food you want to eat? That's how fucking restaurants work like this is an important message for everybody Well, they're weird banter back and forth as she tries to take his food and he's like, mm-hmm That's my food to which she playfully throws meat in his eyes That's my food, to which she playfully throws meat in his eyes. I wonder if he'd like pull out a katana in his escalated dish. Oh, fuck, was that stachous?

Gotcha! God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. Quick question. Can we do like, like a rollover minutes thing with our one this week? I feel like we're going to need an advance on some future ones too. So like, they both count for this one. Heath is going to be really

racially sensitive for like nine episodes after this one. he promises. Okay. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnich Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I feel like we haven't really reached out to white supremacists on this show. And it's good. That's good. Gonna expand our audience already Richard Spencer's favorite episode. So I suppose we should give this some context. He's tell us what will we be breaking down today?

All right. We watched. If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it. That's not exactly something like that. We watched don't touch it. If you ain't prey, that's even worse. That is worse. It's the story of a guy who somehow knew we'd do this podcast.

So you made a Christian movie full of racist caricatures just to make us feel awkward right now. Successfully. Oh yes. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love 40-year-old virgin, but hated all the jokes and wished everyone was actually way older than 40. We'll love this movie. This was 40 year old version except the movie makers didn't get the joke. Right. They don't understand what's funny about that. All right, so we've already kind of handed around about this, but do you think that this episode needs any Advanced trigger warnings. I said trigger trigger warnings Pretty sure I'm gonna make some kind of SPLC list for this episode

So if you're Facebook friends with me, you might want to unfree this guy's gonna get ugly So lawsuits Andrew you might want to buy like a tub of thumbs like the one they have at the hospital. Yeah, I just, I don't even feel like I can say the name of this movie without being racist. Eli, would you care to share with the listeners the title that you gave this episode in the notes? I'm racist. The movie is racist. Both. Both. And boy, you get it early. All right.

So I fear that we're either going to have to consign ourselves to this racism or just pretend that the grandpa character doesn't exist. So I mean, should we just address him up front? Or he makes Eddie Murphy in the clumps look racially sensitive and tasteful. He makes Eddie Murphy in raw look racially sensitive. I get it. Eddie gave it often doing Zibet Liss. You're so funny. This actor was just watching Eddie Murphy raw and he was like, all right, I'm going to take

it up a little bit. So fucking bad. Yeah, this man just walks around in life perpetually starring in his own minstrel show. It's like a minstrel Truman show kind of thing. Anyway, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to say best worst choice of ages for cast members. This movie, this movie has a grandfather, a father, a 40 year old daughter and her little sister. Well, I think it's supposed to be in high school, right? And all of these actors are the exact same age. Well, but they put gray hair on the grandpa though.

So a sequel to cocoon, if it's like cocoon eight, we did one for black people. I get it. Sounds like a racial slur. There are no black people in cocoon. I haven't seen it. And Eli, you got any. You got to really emphasize the car at the beginning. Yeah. So you got any best worse nominations quick, but, but, but, but on a clean edit. Yes. Can I go with best rocket powered daughter? Uh, there is a 24 year old 365 pound daughter in this movie who is supposed to be playing

a seven year old. And she gets launched out of a cannon into every scene in this region. Oh, daddy. She has those are a wily coyote means of acceleration. Yeah. Yeah. No, no shit. She was shot out of a giant t-shirt cannon every on screen into a hug every time she

appears. Um, I wanted to go with, and this is something that we've seen a lot. It's sort of a trope in Christian movies, but I don't think any movie has ever gone this far with it. Best worst, never acknowledging the villain. Right? Okay. What is the villain?

The, the, the fucking main, the main guy. Absolutely. The guy. He's a bond level villain. His, he is a drug dealer who begins the movie by being like, hey, I'll beat the shit out of you to his wife. And then the movie is just like, I mean, she's about to go on a date with this other chick.

Right. She was being a real bitch, though. Like, guys, that's not, that is the movie's point of view. The movie's point of view is like, look, if your wife is going crazy, you might have to threaten to beat the shenanoppa. Yeah, I guarantee you, if we sat the producer of this movie down

and made that accusation, he'd be like, he didn't do it. You're the one, you. I mean, he shook her by the throat a little bit, but that was all. Yeah, this is another one of those, you know, this is the story of how we met and we talked all our friends in church into making a movie about it with us. And once again, there's

nothing interesting about how these two met. But in this interest instance, the male protagonist is an absolute shit human on every level. And they make zero effort to disguise this fact. Nope. Right. Just like the Trump candidacy of male protagonists. Will you redeem himself? We'll find out. And let's point out that this character's arc is he will leave his wife for you. This is the first he will leave his wife for you. Move very in history. Where that's the good guy. Yes. All right. Well, some tells me there's going to be an awful lot of editing to do once this record is over. So we'll keep the break brief. And when we come back, we're going to dive into all the racism bait that is don't touch if you

ain't prayed. It's a March. Just read the title, sub it in. See? We're cool. Hey podcast, lizard. Are you looking to see your favorite podcast live in your town? The hold on to your chili cheese because God awful movies is announcing our world Are you looking to see your favorite podcast live in your town? Well, hold on to your chili cheese because God awful movies is announcing our world tour.

Did you hear that? That's a sound of your dick being blown off. You're welcome. First up, June 10th in New York City. Ah! Ah! Ah! We're back at people's improv theater rockin' so hard we're legally obligated to do a show in Australia just so the planet keeps spinning. Then, on July 8th, we're in Lyon, Seattle at the Broadway performance hall where the coffee is strong but the firm is stronger. But hold on to your shit, because that's not all.

Just in time for Halloween we're hitting Salt Lake City on October 1st to team up once again with Mark and Dan from Thank God I'm Amapiest. It'll be so funny, it's scary. That wolf just exploded. We're gonna be adding even more dates and cities, but if you wanna brand your tickets now, check the show notes of this episode. But don't wait, these shows will sell out fast. And then we're never coming back!

Got off a movie's live door. You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge. Hold on to your shit, which is yeah, yeah hold on to your shit See Morgan gets it Hey folks want to take a second to give you a heads up about this week's sponsor, Bloom that dot com. Now Mother's Day is just around the corner and I know many of you are going to wait into the last minute.

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It's elegant and classy, just take it from me. Go to bloomback.com slash G O D. And you won't make your mama lie. Thank you, Anna. And again, that's BlumEat.com slash G-O-D. And now, back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off by learning that black Jesus is coming in November of 2006. Do they, do they have their own Jesus?

Is that on? I don't, I, what, I mean, what the hell was that? The name was just a preview or a prophecy or a... Those are the, they're ninjas on the street corners. They, they tell me that Jesus was black, but I, did they make, no one in this movie was stressed like a ninja? Are they the ninjas? I know. Okay. So for whatever reason and it's never explained at the beginning of this

movie or at least as we found it on YouTube, it just comes back and says, Jesus is coming in November of 2006. And then it like the word black comes in front of Jesus. So and I am not making a racially motivated lack of punctuality choke. I would like to let everyone know that I'm not doing that. Yeah, Jesus is 11 years late, but we're not saying anything. We're not saying anything. Anyone could be late. White Jesus could be late. Chinese Jesus could be late.

White Jesus is late. Later than black Jesus, apparently, he was supposed to show that up in those people's lifetimes. So that was a compliment to you people. Yeah. When you think of it, we're the opposite of racist. And now the ref. What is happening right now? You guys are racist.

All right. So after that, at it, we're going to start off in the series of title cards that might as well. I just been some kid holding them up on poster boards and look mommy. Although I did like the first thing I wrote was take note as this percol. This is how music goes. I wrote by comparison, this is the opposite of the music we heard last week. That's going to be a temporary thing by the way, because this starts off with a woman's singing and quite beautifully. I, you know, the song is nonsense, but the singing

is really good. And so at first, I was like, Oh, good, we're going to get good music in this one, but that is not going to be the case. We'll talk more about that later. Nope. There, there's one other musical number and it takes a hard turn down to, well, even just the background music is just constantly two bars repeat, right? It's like the intro, if you push like freestyle on the Casio fucking genre or whatever. Yeah. And we get shots of their church here while she's singing. And there's a white looking lady who is actually just light skinned, but they show her twice in an obvious attempt to be like, see, we have whiteish people.

I mean, they're not. That wasn't a white lady. No, no, that was the mom. She was, she was waving her hand trying to wave her hand in rhythm, but horrible. She's not even close. She's just like slamming into everybody else and like, well, they told her to act white for that scene, I think. Okay.

I mean, darker means better rhythm. System remains in place, I think. Okay. I mean darker means better rhythm, system remains in place. I think. Yeah. Okay. So it's just, it's going to get worse from here, guys. The snowball is already rolling. And did anyone else notice that they do the crowd shots in this movie? The way that Stalin did tank parades. I mean, they keep like panning from right to left, but it's the same pan open. It gets the same for people. This time you come a little bit further forward time you come a little bit further forward, you go a little bit further back. Tank passed the same tree again.

Yep. Yep. And, uh, and then quite abruptly and mid singing note, the scene ends. Yes. Uh, and the last word of it is sparrow, which the singer pronounces, Spiro-wow. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. And it's just like also like shouldn't the fucking preacher guy have waited for her to finish singing before he came out there and start praising. She that seems so rude. She's still in the middle of her little fucking soul. Maybe just realized the word Sparrow was never going to fucking end and just came out. I don't know. Oh, so by the way, um, this movie is made by Larry Flash Jenkins.

He's, I think he's one of the actors to the produce. He's a lot of stuff. And my, my notice, I wonder if Eli wrote anything racist yet. I did a lot of editing, even to the notes. And now we show up in suburbia and Pamela our main character is asleep and her mom that is the same age as her is waking her up. Okay, okay, and we need to talk about Pamela. All right. Pamela throughout this movie looks like George Foreman in a long black. that is the exact image of this human being. It's just and no one in the movie is ever like,

hey man, did you kill a guy in the ring? They're just like, ah, there it is. There's Pamela. Also, what's going on with the bed she's on? We start with her on it. She's sleeping on the extreme edge of what appears to be a king size bed. Were there eight other people on that bed bed earlier that woke up before her.

I maybe. I don't know, but she's like past the edge. Like the bed has a goiter and she's on just this like goiter area of the bed that it's really weird. She looks like the Pokemon Diglet doing drag. If you say so, I have no way. Yes, she looks exactly like that. He like someone at home right now.

Love that. Trust me. Somebody who loves Pokemon and watch this movie. And oh, okay, so something about got to catch them all. And now quite abruptly again, we're at breakfast with a family. And we're going to be introduced to her online dating life, which her father asks about by saying, how's that Christian computer thing? Yeah.

Now, well, they want to like, they want to make sure you know, this is a Christian movie right away, because she's like, you know, Pam, anytime now before Jesus comes, how's that Christian computer thing going? You know, blah, blah, blah. But this is also where we meet the sister character and the grandpa character. We might want to spend a few minutes. I wouldn't mind spending a few minutes with the sister character. I can tell you that in high school.

Well, yeah, but she's 31. Yeah. She's older than me. I'm going to go ahead and give myself a pass here. I'm going to make some comments about the daughter later than I'll feel guilty. But right now, the younger sister, she's fine. He's fine. Yeah. And they are simultaneously, they were, you know, Christopher guest gives his actors like one word or one sentence and they build characters off of that. Well,

these people were also given that, but they just stuck to the one word that didn't build the characters that the younger sister was obviously given like pre- new Biles porno and evidence for white supremacy where the two sentences these characters forget. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Grandpa was tough to watch. But yeah. But before we really get into them, we end up with this weird like she's talking about her Christian dating site. And we ended up with this weird like wrong guy montage of all the guys she's met through blackChristianmen.com or whatever. So amazing. Again, this movie is actually very hard to watch. It's not bad good. It's just bad bad. But this first montage is definitely worse watching. First we meet Proud Bird, who is, I think supposed to be a Jamaican stereotype, but just says

stereo type, yeah. He just says, me name Proud Bird, then he stands up out of shot and humps his dick at the camera and yells the word Proud Bird, just Proud Bird, Proud Bird, Proud Bird. Yeah, well, they, and they go through like five guys like this, as though she had mistaken chat roulette for a dating site. Yeah, the next guy is just one of the brothers from Vultures of Horror who says, God told me to eat chicken and your mate will eat you. And then he eats some chicken.

Yeah, then there's a white guy. Nothing funny about that. Just a strong handsome intelligent white guy. But then the final guy of the montage is apparently a guy who just showed up shirtless. Yeah. And kisses his biceps. And I mean, you can tell what they're going for here, but they're just not fucking getting there. And so they come out of this montage and it's just like, and she's just like chuckle chuckle. Okay, that was a pretty funny montage, but seriously though, I've had just started to atrophy.

Right. And she's like, are there any guys who don't want to talk about anything but sex? And everyone at the table is like, no, no, all men want is to stick their dick in something and become one with the triforce. That is it. And she also, this is like where they sort of set up the whole 40 year old virgin thing when she says, Hey, mom, I'm 40 years old and a virgin. Am I strange? And mom's like, yeah, your single virgin 40 and you live with me and your dad. Yeah, you're weird as fuck. Get out. Right? Stop. Yeah. Don't you have a job? What

are you saving for? Yeah, but mom's actual advice is to push prey until something happens. Exactly. And then she realizes that she's going to be late for work. And we're going to talk about how late in a second, but she's sitting there very casually eating breakfast with her family. And then she looks at her watch and goes, oh, I'm going to be late. It will turn out she is two hours late. Two hours late. You just look at your watch and you're like, oh, fuck, that's not a nine. Yeah.

Yeah. So let's get it. So she shows up at the office and her boss is bitching around on a kind of her lateness now up until this moment We're assuming it was like oh fuck I woke up too late that I got talking about I'm 10 minutes late Right, that's the the movie trope is Johnson you're 10 minutes late I don't ever want to see that again This boss is entirely reasonably upset that she showed up to work two

Hours late if I to work two hours late. If I showed up two hours late for our recording, he even know what I just done in episode of the day. Well, that's fucking, and she's like, but I'm getting better, ain't I? She's like, yeah, you were only two hours late today. I'm like, fuck, why is she not fired? Yeah, you would wonder because the boss seems to have no problem treating her like shit. She's like, fuck you, Miss Matthew.

You're a piece of, she goes through a sorry piece of crap. Yep. She's like, you're a sorry piece of crap. Don't let me catch you being 84 hours late again. Well, I mean, weird like, to her credit, she is a sorry piece of crap. Cause it's not even just that. Then she's like, she starts going off about like,

hey, have you closed that account yet? It's six months overdue. So yeah, no, and also, okay, here's her excuse. She says, you know, like, why were you so late? She says, well, I got carried away talking to my mom. A Jason J. Fitz has better excuses than that. What the fuck are you talking about? But, but then the boss leaves and this is when funny guy shows up and we know he's funny guy because he makes faces.

Yes, and these are the two best friends, which is the one is the coworker version of her who's supposed to be slutty and she looks like an evolved Pokemon version of Pamela. And and then there's the gay best friend who's dressed like a pimp from a 1950s action movement. Yeah, yeah. And they never make it clear whether or not he's gay or bisexual or if they just think it's really funny when women call a feminine man gay or just men gay. I don't, I, I never figured out where they were. It's okay to be racist about

this movie because they were so homophobic in it. See, it cancels out. Hey, you got see, see, we're like superheroes when you think about it. Super heroes of racism. That's us. Oh, yeah. So welcome to our last episode. So she got him. Well, the last one with ads. Guys, we were only going to ever do 100 episodes. We're only stopping 11 episodes short. We can find more ads. We'll just have some really interesting ads coming up soon. We'll see. Same ones that O'Reilly got. Yeah, right. Yeah, I hope you guys want some catheters and some gospel. Elvis album.

I'm Tony D and I have trouble. Pete. I sure do, Tony. You need a tube stuck in your penis to pee. You should probably be dead. Tony D's catheters. Gross. There's a free one.

I'm a free one. I have a free dick too. Yeah. All right. So she got, um, yeah. So she's talking to her to the guy friend. We haven't met the girlfriend yet. We'll meet her in the next scene.

But she got a message apparently on Christian losers.com. But should she call him or not, those are the fucking stakes of this movie. Absolutely. Yeah. And again, this is where we learned that it has taken her six months to close an escrow account, which again, an escrow account is like, all right, so just sign there. All right, you're good. Yep.

That's it. Yeah. And she's such a job to the point of mental retardation and shows up whenever the fuck she feels like, look, here's the thing. Am I supposed to have sympathy for this lazy piece of shit character? Am I supposed to give a fuck? Yeah, and again, it's like all the normal movie tropes of I haven't gotten a client in three weeks

and I'm 10 minutes late for work, but as a prank, someone replaced it with absurd things. Like, I haven't gotten a client in 84 years and I'm 85 years late to work. It's just fucking crazy. Right. Like, if you think about it, the boss is being crazy lenient. She's just being a bitch about it. Right. Well, she gives her three more days to close the account or she's fired. Yeah. Something that

will never come back. Never ever. And they have no idea the words they're using. They just, they say escrow like they just had like a word-a-day calendar with escrow. Yeah, I fucking heard you say escrow seven times. Like I heard you mangle per se pecacity yesterday a word of day calendar with Astro. Yeah, I fucking heard you say Astro seven times. Like I heard you mangle per se peccacity yesterday a bunch of times too. Just it's fine. That's enough to calendar. And also the, I mean, like speaking of which, the opening of the next fucking scene is just two people saying Astro back and forth for three minutes. Yeah. Oh, so that is the tendency to be sweaty. You say, yep, first forecast. Of or lacking perspective.

A little bit closer. That's not exactly. Ask me to spell it. Still not right at all actually. No, I wasn't. Toast. So this is where we meet her girlfriend. So she's got the boy, the guy friend of the girlfriend at work. And they too are talking about how weird it is that somebody on Grindr actually wanted to fuck her or whatever. Yeah. And the friend does a new version of that. All the good ones are married or gay. Again, this movie has a bunch of normal words with one weird twist in it. She goes, Oh, all the good ones are married, gay or dead. Are you good?

Like how? How good looking are dead people to you, hun? Weird number three for that list. Yeah. Just heard a funeral home. Mother fuck. Another one bites the dust. And also she goes off on this whole like, you know, how bad guys are thing. And I honestly couldn't figure out anything. She was saying, what does it mean when he wants to stroke your twins? Is that a boob play

reference? I don't. I think I think that's a boob play reference or or molester twin children. Oh, that makes that makes a lot more sense. Okay. So he know I kept deleting it from my notes. And listen to again, everything here is like the tropes of a conversation, but with crazy replacements. She says, some men will leave you with the tab. All right, got it. Abandon you in the middle of the road. What stranded like marooned.

I'm sorry, baby. You know where my treasure is. I was just drinking a pirate ship on hydraulics. And what you know, this is not a Hispanic movie. Eli. So now we had home where she's doing an intense study of the words seek and ye shall find just over and over again. Like not Bible study style, but notebooks from the movie seven style. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, and I guess this is her trying to decide whether she should call that hot guy or not on her Zack Snyder phone. Zach Morris. Zach Morris. Yes. Yes. Zach Snyder is the guy who directs all the terrible of, yeah, Zach Snyder fun fact, Zach Snyder also really big phone. You don't know. Maybe

that's really a phone. He's the terrible at his job. You don't know. Yeah. No, yeah, exactly. I would rather Zach Morris directing those movies. Yes. He's quite perspicacious. Yes. And now we're at breakfast again with the family. And I just want of a first directing those. Yes, he's quite perspicacious. Yes. And now we're at breakfast again with the family. And I just want to, first of all, you're having fried chicken for breakfast in this scene. I didn't make that happen. That just happened. All of us have some version of not going to take that bait.

I had that looks delicious. I like it. It's a great fried chicken anytime of day. And Grandpa is eating his chicken. They've sped up the tape as comedy. So Grandpa's just like eating in fast motion, which hey, watching a racist stereotype eat in fast motion wasn't even funny in birthing the nation. Yeah, it's so good. He's speed eating. It's like like a cartoon character eating corn on the cob like the old fashioned typewriter. It's like dinging as he goes to each edge of it. It's awesome.

Well, everything he does is at Charlie Chaplin speed through the entire movie. Yeah, I want Disney not to acknowledge this movie. Like you can find it on YouTube, but just Disney pretends it doesn't exist. And also, okay, so this is where he decides he wants to fight the dad now. So he stands up and he's doing what he apparently assumes is some really funny, I'm gonna kick your butt. I'm an old man. Kind of shit. But it lasts so long, like it's not funny when he first does it, but it lasts so long

that it then becomes funny because he first does it, but it lasts so long that it then becomes funny because he's like, oh, good to be doing it again. I got a little better. But it's like 84 minutes. So by the end of it, you're just like, wait, maybe this is the best. I was not like that. Well, and the punchline to all of this is that eventually dad stands up and is much larger than grandpa.

At which point mom and a rubs and again, it's been 45 minutes of grandpa being like, fight me, fight me, fight me. And mom and a rubs and says, you two need to stop fighting. And I wanted the dad to be like, I literally just stood up. You always take his time. So okay. And then meanwhile, we head back to work where she is still waiting on that dude to call her because at first it was, should I call him and now she's waiting for

him to they don't really they're not paying a whole lot of attention to this movie. So we basically spend a whole scene establishing that the next scene will take place at lunch. Yep. And hey, they ate fried chicken for breakfast. So just at home, a little fun version of the home game, what do you think they're going to eat for lunch? Well, if you answered fried chicken, at Roscoe's chicken and waffles. Yeah, I love the food in this movie. Maybe really hungry.

Yeah. And okay, so she goes to lunch with her two friends from work and the banter before the scene gets going is those two friends accusing one another of homosexuality. Yep. And deciding which level of blackness fucks better. I'm telling you, this is this movie's version of you want to know how I know your gay. Oh my god, it is.

Yes, I'm they were trying to do 40 year old version and they just didn't get any of the jokes. Yes. Oh my god, it's suddenly it just all just it just fit in like when you finally realize how the optical illusion works or whatever, it just it just shifted in it all makes sense now. Thank you. Also, just let's get into it. I mean, they, they bring up the question on in the movie. Do you guys prefer light skin or dark skin on a penis?

Well, I actually agree with the young lady who says the darker the barrier, the sweeter the juice. So, you know, I think she makes a pretty solid, a sweeter juice or less sweet juice. I mean, does anyone prefer less sweet? Sometimes that seems like dry, perse, percashous for me, a famous boxer who changed his name to Muhammad. So I am not going to answer that question. Perseucase play. Well done. I mean, I'm not even how that words for no stain. Um, so, yeah, sweaty and good at.

Today's word of the day. Um, so, yeah, so, so they're talking about sex. Also, you know, the Pamela says to her slutty friend and that's just, that's the movie's description of the character. I'm not making a value judgment, but she says, you know, I'm not worried about who fucks better. I want to see what's on the inside to which her friend says, oh, I see what's on the inside baby, wink, wink. I'm like, what's the wink, wink?

It's a press day massage. But visual, a visual, fuck it. Do you have like, what's the wink, wink? It's a prostate massage. But visual, a visual, fucking, you have a, that's a cold. Yeah, it's a yeah. What the hell does that mean? That's a prostate. Last cut to her dressed for a funeral at the back of a

hospital in Austin. God damn it. Another one. I did. Is a good looking origin test. I did. That is a good looking origin. Testin. So friends looks like Barry bonds and a wig.

So now she's so they're talking about sexy stuff. So she preaches the the Bible at them. And just then the fairy sprinkle music actually happens. And that hot guy from Christian losers.com just happens to walk into that Roscoe's chicken and waffles. Right. And everyone reacts like this guy is very attractive, but he is not. This must be the direct. This gentleman, like, if he stopped me on the street, I'd be like, Hey, man, I'm sorry. I don't have anything to be like, I just want to know where the

A train is. And I'd be like, I am so sorry. And he's like, why did you assume I was homeless? I'd be like, why did you assume I was homeless? I'm homeless. And then run away because I'm perspacious like that. Well, if you're so good at boxing, I don't see why you wouldn't have just fought him. But yeah, yeah, exactly. And so we had no, they, they, they, like, they would have, they have to let me know that this is supposed to be the attractive guy. That's another trope in Christian movies.

Also, when he comes in, does he just, does he just hand her a towel? He gets, he gets, he gets her a dirty napkin off the floor. What's it up to? Oh, okay. Yes. So again, movie trope, she dropped something and the handsome guy picks it up except it's a grease covered chicken smeared napkin. He's like, is this your incredibly dirty and disgusting napkin? And she's like, why yes, it is. He's like, are you fine?

Little dips it in a bus tub. Just wipes your face. You got a little smudge. I got it. That makes more sense, but not sense. Yeah. And apparently, Sluddy friend knows him. And he's rich too. Yeah. So the friend introduces the two of them. And also, like, I think the dude friend, the gay friend, also would like to fuck this character. This character's name is Jordan, by the way. Yeah, he will be the, the, the, the, honestly, I feel like I'm spoiling it by telling you

he will be the male protagonist at this point because you would assume as we get to know him better that he's gonna be the villain and she's gonna wind up with the gay friend or something like that or find out she's a lesbian and end up with the other, but you know, like everything in this movie indicates that this will be the bad guy, but no, he is the male protagonists. No, no, or take her wig off and show Neo where the matrix is.

There's a lot of that. And it doesn't know that we're really taking advantage of any of the word. I was not. Um, yeah, also like so when they're. Lacked perspective. So also at the end when they're like, they're making the date together, he does this creepy face touching thing. Oh, it's so much like all like she's a pug and he's like a crazy white girl on the street just squeezing the face. So much. It's over the top. You're stranger. Crazy millionaire remake except all the actors treaty charred out of the way white women treat positive. Boo murder you get boo. What animals is Lawrence fish burn in a wig. What animals.

Lawrence Fishburn in a wig. What animals? Okay, guys. Apparently this is such an inside joke. I'm not even inside of it. So if you're sitting here not knowing what the fuck is going on, you and me were together on this. Anyway, so they make a date and everyone responds like a fucking 13 year old. And then we cut to Jordan's quote unquote mansion a K rented beach house in Oxnard.

Yeah, which is real quick though, before we cut and they do this a lot in this movie. Every time this script runs out of stuff, they just like start whispering. Yes, but don't cut. They just keep like just cut. You can cut whenever you want, but they keep like five or 10 seconds of them being like, I think we're out of words. So just mumble mumble mumble mumble. Are we done? All right. It's a day. I mean, it's really camera keeps looking at me. And yeah. So oh, and I'll pour apparently Jordan's home comes with a bitchy alcoholic lady and I wrote that in my notes

because I was like, this cannot possibly be his wife and the mother of his child, can it? This is supposed to be the male protagonist. But no, this is his wife and the mother of his child. Yeah. Right. And she's got like a thermos. The alcohol in this movie makes us. She's got like a thermos full of cosmos.

Which again, sounds delightful. the alcohol in this movie makes us to get like a thermos full of cosmo which again sounds delightful. I like all the food and drinks. We've got a glass of bourbon. It looks good. But apparent this movie thinks like they made her up that in a way that like having a glass of bourbon equals crack binge. You've been on like a four week crack binge because you're drinking a glass of bourbon. Well, also, I don't really want to bring this on the air, but most people don't have a glass of bourbon at two in the afternoon. You don't know, you don't know when you would want to just, you know, kick back. It's your days over, you know?

Well, also, maybe she's stuck in a lock. Well, also the other, the other way that you know that she's on a crack bitch is the fact that she constantly lights cigarettes that she's on a crack bitch is the fact that she constantly lights cigarettes that she's later not smoking. That's you can always tell who the bad person is apparently. And then a child appears in Jordan's arms in a temporarily vexing fashion. She basically teleports there. She's got me.

Accelerating 9.8 meters per second square. She's terminal velocity about time she gets in. Yeah, no, because it all of a sudden you're like daddy, daddy, and he looks off to the right and immediately picks up a chick, a little girl, not little, a child who is very large. And I'm just like, how could she possibly have, unless there was a trap door below him that she rose to it. Yeah. And look, this kid is not small, but her first lines are mommy didn't feed me to it. She says, she says, daddy, I'm hungry and he goes, didn't mom feed you today?

And his response is go into your room, lock the door and play your music really loud, which is absolutely 100%. I'm about to beat your mother, and I don't want you to see it. It's not, it's even worse than that. She turns to the kids and says, do you know what to do? She says, go in my room and turn up the music real loud and close the, yes, she's the little girl knows I'm going to beat mommy face when she sees it. I'll just go wait in the truck. It's fine. I guess that's the same thing. Yes.

And this is the part where like the, because the wife's like, what are you getting dressed up for? And she's like, you're an alcoholic. It's okay that I go and fuck other women or whatever. He doesn't tell her where he's going or whatever. But then he grabs her by the throat and threatens to physically abuse her.

Right. That's, I mean, and you're like, oh, okay, she's mixed up with a really bad dude and this is gonna be the bad boyfriend that the good boyfriend is then going to, that will never happen. They will never even have a moment where they acknowledge that this was not appropriate behavior for this gentleman. Nope.

This is just the movie's version of like, man, that wife's a real bitch. Yes. I got you. See how she was talking to him before he had to choke her into silence. Oh my God. Yeah, that just and it gets less comfortable. The relationship between these two gets less comfortable before this movie's over. Anyway, yeah.

Meanwhile, he doesn't become less physically violent as what we're saying. Exactly. Exactly. We'll get there. He just ebb branches out a little. All right, so meanwhile, Pamela is getting ready for the date and she's so nervous because she's wearing a shirt that's

trying to consolidate her boobs. Oh, she looks good. She looks like someone computer animated a line with tits. What, I thought, I thought she was looking. I thought she looked great. I thought she looked. Good. She looks like someone computer animated a line with tits. What I thought I thought she was look. I thought she looked great. I thought she looked like you like the Unibubo. I want to fuck Barry bonds and Lauren's fish brains. And George Foreman. Hey, speaking of what we want to fuck, I would like to fuck a shot. I was really waiting for the interrupt. shot. I was really waiting for the interrupt. I thought you were going to make a joke about the sister who was hot. Um, I haven't learned this yet. She was supposed to be a child

in the movie though, right? They were pretending that she was 16. It's okay. Anyway, yeah. Anyway, so yeah. So Jordan shows up to charm the family. And this is where Grandpa threatens to beat him like he was an alcoholic wife. Yeah. And Jordan brought drugstore chocolates, which means he's clancy as fuck just so you know. Apparently, I thought it was like a VHS tape. I couldn't tell what it was. It looked like a box set of VHS tapes was really weird. Well, he wrapped them. Oh, okay. With the wrapping paper, he also got it at that gas station apparently. Yeah. And also the sister volunteers to fuck Jordan too, if if Pam doesn't want

to with her boyfriend sitting. Yes. Yes. Your boyfriend's like, hey, and she's like, stop it. Stop it. We're barely in the movie. Do you want to be an under five? So now, so we go to dinner and I want to point out that up until this point with only one exception, this movie has been eating scene, non-eating scene, eating scene, non-eating scene. And it will continue that way for quite a while. So for me, it was just all eating scenes. I was eating. Oh, well, right. Right. Yeah. I know there was the chicken at major hungry. Yeah, I get it. So, so they're at dinner,

or listening to porn for women's soundtracks. Yes. But luckily not eating chicken. That's my first note was thank God and eating scene that isn't chicken. Well, but it's, it seems like an awkwardly silent date when we first cut in like they didn't know we were rolling yet. They were waiting for a cue. So it just plays like, wow, are they miserable on this date? Also small detail. They have a champagne bottle that's been opened and then re-cord somehow.

Yeah. I don't understand what's happening. And I looked, it's actually not champagne. It's Fraigianne, which it's cova of it, found it, fancier Spanish gas stations. That's the date there are. This is the nicest place they could find that involved plastic tablecloth. And in her first line is, this is a lovely place. Like they're on the streets of Paris, instead of the outdoors, the illegal outdoors area behind a TGI Friday. Well, and then he's got a brag a little,

he's like, you've probably noticed, there's no one else in here. That's because I've rented this whole place out like a pretentious dick. And she's like, wow, wouldn't, like for that price, we could have gone to a real, like one nice restaurant with just us. And Friday's carries, wow, for that price, we could have gone to a real, like one nice restaurant with just us.

Yeah. And Friday's carry is Frazier, they do. And being a loner restaurant is not more romantic. Like no one's like, oh, good. We're abandoned and alone. This is what the apocalypse would be like. And our experience. Well, and it's terrifying.

If it's your first date. I wanted to make sure there were no witnesses. Why did you want that? What, yeah. So, and then they get into the conversation, which begins with him very awkwardly trying to dress up the question of, why would a woman like you have to resort to internet dating to get fucked?

Feels like like people will be trying to fuck you constantly. Right. And her answer to that is not because I look like black Mr. P not in a way. I like, I like a monocle. You know, nor is her answer. Well, you know, it's just been statistically proven to be a much more effective way of finding someone to date that you don't then have to work with after you break up with and shit. Her eye as well, I'm looking for a man who has his eye on Jesus and not my underwear. Right. I mean, your underwear kind of terrifies me, hun. But then he goes like, oh, well, normally if a woman brought up Jesus like that, I'd tell her to go fuck herself and leave. Well, he says, I'd run away basically like I lit my face on fire, free basin cocaine.

What? He's like, he, he, I run away like Richard Pryor. Yeah. Like Richard Pryor with his hand on fire. Who's saying I'm not going to act like Richard Pryor with his face on fire tonight? I'm not doing that. That's his response. That's so, very specific reference. And I regret that he took it before I could.

But that's my new code for exiting an uncomfortable situation, by the way, when I'm having brunch with my wife, shitty friends, I'm just going to be like, oh, I'm so sorry, I got to go. I'm like Richard prior with this face on fire right now. Also, I think this is the first time we found this particular audio fuck up in a film. The audio in this movie is so poorly spliced that during this date scene, she interrupts herself. Like as they go from one scene to one shot to the other, she's over talking her own goddamn line for a second, unbelievable. And then they dance in an empty restaurant to music. Right. There's no moves either. I mean, I feel like black people

would like do something even during a slow dance. Like, should they be doing like flips and stuff or whatever? I don't know. That's your night. So, and then that's a compliment. I'm saying they're good dancers. We're saying you're great dancers. That's your nine. So and then that's a compliment. I'm saying they're good dancers. We're saying your great dancers. That's what you were born to do in a way. Oh, god, dance and entertain. I want to say, I want you to not say that. That's your 12. All right. So and then she, he drops her off without fucking her. And we get, we, we have to see this scene. So grandpa can show up and, and funny at us some more. And he like pops out of the bushes like Charlie to be like, Hey,

I'm the comic relief. I was going and they're like, not good, man. Not good. All right. Scream way out of the microphones range some more like, yeah, do that some more grandpa. That'll be great. Yeah, they they set up for to have lunch together tomorrow. And because that was a non eating scene, now we have to have them at breakfast the next day with her all like 14 year old girl coming back from a date about everything. And everyone of the, this is a 40 year old woman who lives at home and everybody's like, so

how did the date go? Yeah, not like, oh, I can see you, like, is it embarrassing to you? That your days have to come here to pick you up because it embarrasses us. Yeah. And grandpa of course wants to know about his dick. He wants to be a great grandpa before he's 50. He's like, you didn't play hard to get, did you? Cause you know, what God don't see. Don't hurt him. So, so she leaves to go to work all happy. And then they, they leave the three, like he was talking about where they run out of words, but they just keep the fucking camera going anyway, except

for at this point, everyone forgets that in real conversations, people talk one at a time or more or less. Yeah, but instead they all just do their best version of a stereotype or whatever they think their character is. So grandpa's like, oh, who but who but who but who but who but who but who but who and the mom's like, boy, you better know, you better not know. And the sister's like, oh, no. But at the same time, it's horrifying. More horrifying than that description. That's my one. I didn't say my thought out loud just now, but I'm taking another one. So and now, okay. So now she's at work trying to nail that escrow account down and her boss is standing over her as she makes this phone call that's basically, have you signed

those papers? Okay, please sign those papers. Her boss goes, hmm, glad to see you working on your working here at the working place. Yeah, for real. She goes, glad to see you're working on your career at her job. That's fucking as opposed to what? They have really lowered the standards for this check. Yeah. Boss Lady comes so close to saying the N word to Pamela. Like, like, she was really,

I felt like she was going to say it a few times. And then I was offended on Pamela's behalf is why I'm saying that. Of course. And then Jordan shows up with for lunch and he brought flowers, gross purple poor people for I mean, he certainly didn't get bloomed that calm level of flowers here. I'm just saying there are two categories of flowers. There are roses and there's everything else. There's like, you flowers? Sure. That is like I ugh, you flowers? Sure.

That is like, I have dated four women advice right there, sir. There are plenty of women out there that just don't care for roses. Those people are wrong. Other flowers are the zales of flowers. Don't go with fucking roses, guys. Just like, you know, this is a pretty like a fucking like like like like you go to bloom that and they have a fucking Guy there who does that for a living and he's like, hey, that flower looks good. What if I don't go in there and act like a dick and do it yourself

I'm sorry. This isn't part of the ad that just pisses me off. Everybody's like no, no, I'll just get 10 or 12 roses and she has she knows How much that costs fuck off. Anyway, get roses. Don't get weird flowers. Oh, what are these? I don't know. I don't know. She's in baby's breath. She's never gotten that before. Anyway, that is the purpose of flowers. It's going to die in a day.

Anyway, she's going to forget to put it in. I don't want to do. Not doing a face. It comes with a free face. What are you guys talking about? What is happening? Who cares? Who cares?

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who buys flowers for people? Here's the single guy, Chyvin and there's a plant that's gonna die really soon. Put it somewhere. They smell pretty. I'm sorry, not all of our girlfriends like Claire's gift card.

All right, so he shows up to take her to dinner. What is it and I think we can no matter what our disagreement on flowers. I think we can agree. These are shitty flowers. He went with shitty flowers. So and now it's time for an eating scene again. So they go to lunch where she explains in terms of her education, that she mastered infeasiology. Mastered. Mastered. And did you mean major? Do you mean like she meant major?

But still that would be biology, wouldn't that? If you were majoring in, I think she defeated a physiologist who was the best at the time. And now she's the master. Yeah, I see. I see. I didn't, I didn't show the part right here at the beginning, though, where she goes to like grab food off his plate. And he's like, seriously, get the fuck off my plate. Yeah, yeah. Where do you amount of food you want to eat? That's how fucking restaurants work. Like this was an important message

for everybody. Just order the amount of food you want. Well, there were banter back and forth that she tries to take his food and he's like, mm-hmm, that's my food, to which she playfully throws meat in his eyes. I want to send it like pull out a katana in this escalated range. Oh fuck, was that stucous? Gotcha. And her, this reaction, she makes the human steels one of his fries. By the way, we have and steals one of his fries. By the way, we have the exact opposite of that reaction.

So just keep this in mind that when she tries to, when he won't give her food, she throws meat in his face. We're going to have a very opposite reaction to a much worse crime later anyway. And also she asks him what he does for a living. And he says, this is amazing. He says, oh, I work in imports and exports of services overseas. So he imports and exports services. Right.

When he's a slave, he's a slave. He's a slave. See, we all predicted drug dealer and a spoiler. We're right. Yeah. right. Yeah. Mm hmm. And again, I felt the little racist when I said, oh, wealthy black man that works in imports and exports. And I'm like, no, no, that's with, that's probably what he really does for a living, but no, he's a coke dealer. And to be fair, that is now two movies in

a row in which a black guy's been like, I work in pharmaceuticals. And we've said, man, I feel racist for thinking he's a drug dealer. And he's turned out to be a drug dealer. Well, but the last one was made by racist white guys. This was made by racist black guys. So I thought maybe, but no, he's a coke dealer. So, and then he proposes that she like, take him around and show him a house, a house is all day so that they can hang out and she would still technically be working. So she illegally, or at least unethically, bills her company for a bunch of work she's not doing also.

And he just yells check into the middle. What's happening? That's usually what happens right before a really good tip in my experience. You just seems like a really good tip or by the way you yelled check. Yeah. So nobody. So now that we get a montage of him showing or her showing him houses all day, and it's basically just a we're walking here kind of a montage. That's it. Oh, and then we cut from there walking around looking at houses montage to two again, 40 plus year old people doing like a midnight chat on the phone. No, you hang up conversation. Yes. Yes. But there was one amazing moment in this that was clearly an editor fucking

with them and deleting a line. Cause like for a minute, we're getting the back and forth. And then you can only hear one side of the conversation and then only the other. But at one point, she says completely outside of any context, when you don't know what he just said, yeah, you can put it anywhere you want to. That's the actual line, just with no context whatsoever. And he says, all right, in a bit by. That's just kind of like, I'm gonna put it anywhere

I want in a few minutes, maybe just stretch, I'll be over in a second. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, no, and we never, but yeah, and maybe I feel like that movie, that was like a nod to us, you know? Like Brian knew we were we were going to watch this. He's like, I'm going to give him one. So she, she's either ready, ready for buttex or that's the thing you say about phone kissing because she did the like, you know, like, you know, like, all right. And he

said, can I put that on my balls? And she said, or a rim job is what I would say. Oh, well, yeah, of course. Maybe it's butt stuff either way. The key is there is butt stuff reference in this phone conversation. It's butt stuff all the way down. Other than this weird butt sex thing though, the entire call is, oh, I'm so glad your day went well. Yep. Phone calls are so important and substantial.

I don't know how in the world people interact without constantly having really important phone calls like this. Some of us have a phone made in America that like a Japanese guy doesn't pick up and connect you. I'm sorry, that's zero people. You've got a phone. I mean America. You've made an American give me a fucking break. So now we have them walking on a beach together, where he is comparing. First of all, I should point out, this is a shit hole of a beach. I guarantee you there are used heroin needles on that beach. You can't walk on a barefooted by like, just fucking civil order or whatever. It's so gross looking. It really is. And he's looking at it again, like it's the cliffs of more. He's like, this is where I come to think and retreat. There's

just a heroin addict washing up onto the beach. Like a couple of dead bodies and a six pound bag of coke that like some Cuban guy is just hauling into the back of a truck. Cuban guy is just hauling into the back of the truck. Yeah. And he also, he says, this beach is like my dreams and my hopes, not any particular way. And then he pauses for good, like 10 seconds to think about like, should I fuck that? Like hopes and dreams is like a normal human being way to say that. And you watch him think about that. Like whether he's going to cut on himself and do it.

Like, let's do that. No, I'm sorry. It's alright. It still makes sense. Yeah. And then we get this super gross sunset kiss where they like clearly couldn't tell the scene was over because they're like, you should we do it again? You think or did was that enough of my face on your face? I like the kiss. I think black people kiss better. Also, compliment. No, that is way too. I have been married for almost a year. That is way too intimate. I did not like being that close and hearing that many mouth sounds. I was upset. Yeah. Oh, and okay. So now he's dropping off a home at home again. And this is where she notices his crucifix. I mean, there is one scene that

was clearly more offensive to me than this scene. And I think you guys probably already know which one it was. No, it had nothing to do with fried chicken. But this, this scene was really competing for the most offensive because this is where she's like, you know, oh, I see you have a crucifix. Here's what that tells me about you as a human being. Yeah. Like she's reading his palm. Yeah. Oh, I noticed you have a crush. Well, it is exactly like that too, because it's like, you're well hung and have integrity and style. You know, yeah. Just want to point out biggie had a cross, pretty sure flavor flavor. That's a trash cross like, I don't know how we're those are men of integrity and style. Eli, what are

you trying to say that's true And and then also okay, so she says you know, she asked him how he feels about marriage And at first he's going for that like you know, that's great for those other other people who are Married but then he just kind of like turns it around and is like oh, you know what I can make I can I can throw in a Anti-game marriage dig here and then I'm out, I can throw in an anti gay marriage dig here. And then I'm out. I'm clean. We were talking about being Christian anyway.

Yeah. She's like, so have you ever considered marriage and is like between a man and a woman and only a man and a woman? Absolutely. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, which by the way, if you have trouble with commitment, please, that's the new way to get out of commitment is just to turn all conversations about marriage into an anti gay marriage. Not natural. The can have kids.

Yeah, but us. Yeah, we could absolutely not. Sender sends down the street, which one of them's the boy. Am I right? Who's with me? That would end the relationship. They would not be talking about marrying you anymore. So doesn't work very well for gay people, Eli.

You need a new strategy for gay guys that don't want to get married. Don't get married. So also, okay. So she's like, so you know, you want to get married. I'm free Tuesday and pretty much any evening after Friday. And he's like, oh, yeah, I have to tell you something really, really important eventually. Not in this scene, but eventually I will tell you

something really important that we'll explain why I don't want to marry you. Bye. It feels like I have something very important to tell you, but only when the time is right. I don't want him to just like, you got to find the copper key and for the shadow of the tower falls over them out. Yeah. What the fuck? Anyway, I'll tell you I'm married with a child.

And now, okay, so then she goes inside, she's singing Jesus songs to herself, not particularly well, and we know she can sing. So what the fuck? And then we cut to everybody watching a Lakers game. That is two non-eating scenes in a row. Boom. Nice. Broke the trend. And of course in this scene is the whole family sitting around watching the Lakers. Grandpa is funny and some more.

Yeah, he's mad that the Lakers aren't helping out Kobe and fuck you. Kobe's a giant ball. Yeah, I helped him out. But yeah, he wouldn't let them help anyway. Yeah, no, but he lacks perspiccastanating. That's the problem. So and the sister, the 31 year old teenage sister, is expressing disbelief in the fact that Jordan hasn't tried to fuck Pam yet. They've been dating for a month.

And right in front of her parents, she's like, I mean, look, I get it. Sometimes I am just soaking wet in front of you. Get it, mom. Just soaking wet. And the dad's like, hey, hey now. Well, but at first he's not, at first he's like, yeah, no, if I had taken a month

to fuck your mom, she would have just ripped my clothes. And that's what he really says. But we didn't say fuck. But that's basically what he says. Yeah, if I had tried that gentleman's stuff with your mom, she would have just ripped my clothes off. And, and, and Pam was like, Oh, yeah, no, I've thought about it. I thought about it.

Dad. And then dad's like, no, but we're Christians. So, right, no raping. Right, right, right, obviously, obviously we'll get there. Yeah. So Jordan shows up to pick him up and then that scenes over and now hard cut. They're laying on a picnic blanket together in his front yard. And why can't anyone in any movie play a fucking card game? They're just showing each other cards. She's like, I have a diamond. I have a club. Laughter.

He's doing a card trick and she's like playing Texas Hold'em. She's like, oh, was it this card? She's like, that doesn't win. They're just, they're not even doing the same type of card. That doesn't win. They're just, they're not even doing the same type of car. And then we cut to, it's like a montage of them hanging up and he, I want to be clear that I didn't hallucinate this. He squeezes a peach into her mouth. I thought it was an orange, but yes, they're squeezing some type of fruit into one another's. That's a new world of flirtation.

You mean just like, hey, will you juice a fruit into my mouth? And by the way, it goes exactly the way you're met. She's just like, oh, God, right. My eyes. Oh, citrus. This is a terrible idea. This is like in a normal movie, it would be a strawberry or a cherry or something that he would be feeding or something.

There's begging great fruits at each other in the face. Feeding. Feeding her. Feeding her. Not all juicing over her. That doesn't work on a glass. It's like, uh, pulp and seeds everywhere. Yes, this was a terrible choice.

But I'm already squeezing just get all the juice you can and we'll host you down. And of course, this orange squeezing scene is going to lead to the attempted rape scene. Well, yeah, it's interesting. My next two lines of my notes are you know what this movie is missing the beginning of a rape scene never mind All right, so he is very clearly just going for the pussy right there on the front lawn and she's like no No, I can't do this. I can't do this and he's like my ass you can't do this and then just starts grabbing her and shit And it's just like oh wow, this is illegal Yeah, presidential and they they have a lot of trouble editing this scene. There's some really weird grab it or in shit and it's just like, oh, wow, this is illegal. This is presidential. And they have a lot of trouble editing this scene.

There's some really weird cuts because Pamela clearly launched this guy like 20 feet at one point. And then he had to snap cut to a different part where he's like, fuck, all right, he's breathing hard. That giant bruise. She pushes him back and he flies into a neighboring car like fucking Chronicle. And it's supposed to be her being like, no, you big strong man. He's like, yeah, can I get a scene partner who isn't 1980s Kevin Sorbo? If dad replaced her with Kevin Sorbo and O'Wig,

this movie would have been amazing, except he would just have to use the same, you know, dialect. Um, yes. Would it have been more or less racist? I don't know. Less. I feel like more, um, but it would have been, it would have been less anti LGBT. So, you know, it would have been. No, you're right.

I was a, yeah, balancing acting. So yeah, and this is where he discovers that she's a virgin. And in some of this movie's classic humor, he says, you've never even had Clinton sex. I wanted to be like, I mean, I fucked a kid at Chuckie Cheese once. Does that? The other, the other, the other Clinton got it. He just lost his kids. So wait, what? How's Jones lost his kid. I'm happy about it.

As long as he's miserable, we're all. So yeah, but now he doesn't want to fuck around with her virgin ass anymore. So she, so she grumpily throws a pillow at him. I don't understand. She doesn't want him to leave. Is the tone? I'm got it. Like if a potential rapist starts to leave, you should not argue in any way.

No, you just, yeah. But again, contrast this with the, oh, you can't have my food throw steak juice in his eyes versus, oh, you tried to rape me. Come on now, Throw a pillow. Playfully. Yes. What the f*** is some of that steak juice? Right? Also, man, you know you're out of fucking shape. When you've got to bring a pillow with you out to the picnic thing in the front yard. I'm not like, come on, get in shape, girl. damn. All right. So and then he, he drops her off at home. What the hell with that cobweb badge?

Which two the literal Zelda music, by the way, I know it wasn't on purpose, but it was literally just like, by the way, he drops her off. That means they drove home together. Like, I really want to see that drive. So, oh my God. Let's see what's on the radio. Her new song the other day called your er rapist. Maybe that'll be on. All right, fine, fine. I'm thinking of I'm going on a pick. I'm going to bring a person who I can rape. All right, fine. I'm going to bring a person who I can rape.

I'm gonna bring a person I'm gonna rape and a black person I'm gonna rape. So, so yeah, so he drops her off and she's all crying and sad as she storms in it because there's no good buy at all. He just like pushes her out of the moving vehicle essentially. And dad sees her all sad and so he goes up to help her. And dad's advice here. She's like, oh, I told him he was a virgin. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. Dad's advice is never, this is a quote, never let anyone convince you you're doing something wrong.

Yeah, what? That's his actual quote. wrong. Yeah, what? That's his actual quote. Jesus, that is the worst advice I've ever heard in anything. Yeah, that's, that's pretty crazy. Yeah, like even in the context, there's got to be a better way to put that. He's like, you know, and it's not like, Hey, look, in this situation, it's, look, you know what we've always told you outspied perspectives on morality or useless. I guess. But the way she also uses the word despondent while crying.

Who? Yeah. So does that. You see him. Crest fallen. Let's try. Just use small words while you're crying. Weird.

I guess not just last first. Guest. You could say I'm cast per perkity. But to be or possess the best mattress in the English. Not a lot of free ads this week. Um, and okay, so dad knows how to cheer her up, Donnie. It's by starting to do it with a weeping fat woman. Fuck you, Eli.

You had seen this part. You could have warned me before I went in. You'd already seen up to here before I started watching. And she does not join in for a while. And you can see the other actor be like, come on. Say something. You're supposed to know what do you do when you're sad and you say, okay, you're turned every.

All right. One. I wanted them to be out of sync. Just like, I know, no, I'm in F. I'm in F. I'm in F. I'm in F. You want to see me be an F? Okay. Three, four, four, three, seven.

So, yeah. So now that he's sung her back to happiness, he's going to go eat because this was a non eating scene. And then we had to Jordan breakfast in his mansion, uh, important papering. Yep. Just shuffling through his drug dealer paperwork. I guess it's miming it. Yeah. I don't know what's happening there. Like this. The owner of a multinational pharmaceutical company is doing like clerical work with a physical paper notebook. Well, and that's what they sold him as up to this point. We now know he was a cocaine dealer. So a cocaine dealer is doing paperwork. Just like this CEO Pfizer, just with a legal pad doing a tally of erections. Just all right, Carlos, look,

I'm looking at your 1099 and I need a W9 for me. I need a whole lot of more of this paperwork. I think we're going to go with paychecks. And so as he's paperworking, his wife, who's a little less drunk because it's morning, shows up and has this like, you know, can it be like it was before conversation with him, which if he's the villain, his reaction makes perfect goddamn sense. He's so casual about his wife's breakdown about their lost love. She's like, why? I love you and I want it to be like it was. And he was like, yeah, no, I get that.

I get that that's something you'd want. Sorry, I'm just doing this math real quick. I don't love you anymore. Uh-uh. Okay. I don't love you anymore. Uh, okay. And I'm pretty sure he says, we've come a long way since then, N word to her. Like, like not the N word, like he says literally N word. I'm pretty sure that is the line.

That is our euphemism. I think. I Don't like this. You might have said onward. Maybe I don't know. Wait. That makes way more We probably said onward Wait, we've come a long way since then on yeah, it's onward Yeah, no and then the daughter gets launched into this scene from a catapult to break up this tedious fucking conversation And she's like daddy daddy play with me and he goes you know what and like as a disc He goes why don't you play with your shitty mom and she doesn't have anything to do and she's like fine I'll go play with our child. You're the good parent.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But she has to push his papers around like a bitch before he leaves. There's one other amazing line in this. This is like super wise, actually. The husband while he's talking to the wife, giving her the speech here, he says, keep one foot in the past and one foot in the future and you take a dump all over the present. That's awesome. What an amazing thing.

It's a great visual, but I mean, does that guy just automatically shit if his legs are spread a certain width? I mean, is that not what do you guys? Yeah. I'm on heat side. How do you guys use the physics of your body? It's a take a ship when you want to. Exactly. If my feet spread more than two feet apart, I am sure. I like it.

I like it. And you know, you get to pick up somebody in the next stall. Take a nice stance. Yeah. A lot of good reasons for that. That's a great saying. I'm going to, I'm going to use that in response to like everything from now on. I love that.

I appreciate the warning speeches for the Dolly Lama. Like that's like super. It to like everything from now on. I love that. I appreciate the wall writing speeches for the Dalai Lama. Like that's like super, super, you know, Zen. I like it. So meanwhile, back at work, Pam and her friends are all squeezed awkwardly into a single close-up. And literally they're all just like yelling their characteristics. He's like, I'm gay. I'm a killer. I'm a swelter. I'm, I'm gay. I'm a killer. I'm this, I'm a scene.

Right. Oh, so what? And they're gathered in front of this laptop, like grandparents trying to Skype. Yes. They're just like bumping their faces into the camera. And then they're like 400 yards down a fairway, like not even close. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And also the shot is so clearly framed on the

slutty friend's cleavage. Yep. It tunnel vision. So okay. Now we learned in this scene, it's been over a month since they broke up. There were since she admitted that she was a virgin and he dropped her off after trying to sexually assault her. And she's still obsessing over him. And the friends are still obsessing over still obsessing over him and the friends are still obsessing over her obsessing over him. That's all we got out of this scene. Sure. Well, that and some advice to take felony revenge on him for not liking her anymore.

And then she goes to talk to her pastor about this. And man, do we get a shift in background noise for this scene? It's like, all right, I'll go talk to my pastor. Yeah, apparently she goes to church in a goddamn active wind tunnel. I wanted it to pan over and there's just some guys doing that weird squirrel wind thing in a tunnel next to them just like, are we bothering you? No, it's fine. This was a weird way to raise money. And the

pastor seems to be making it very clear that if no one else would like that, ask he will take it. Yeah, he says when one door closes, another one opens one with a sweet triangle mustache and an awesome button down shirt. I'm just saying, you know, whatever you never, you never know, you know, push, but dick. What? What? But, but, but then again, his, his actual advice first is to push to pray until something happens. Also, to continue to obsess over the man that has not contacted her in a month, that's the actual advice he gives. So on that bizarrely shitty nugget, I suppose we can take a quick break, but first let me give act three of the hard sell. Will Pamela at least offer up some mouth stuff? Does it still count if he puts it in a rass? Will Heath say the N word? Find out the answers to

these questions and more when we return for the depressing as fuck conclusion of, don't touch if you ain't prayed. Miss Matthews. Oh, hi, Mr. Swindy. Have you finished that account yet? No, sorry, Mrs. Swindy. Seriously, it's been four years. I know, but the client's phone number has a four in it. So, just get it done. You piece of shit.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Just quick question. Yes, Miss Matthews. Shit piece of shit. Oh, sorry, sorry, just quick question. Yes, myth, Matthews. Shit, fucker. Okay, why do I still work here? I asked myself that question every day. No, but seriously, I'm grossly incompetent. I'm late all the time. I'm just terrible at my job. Shouldn't you have fired me? I should. And you better pray. I don I should and you better pray I don't. No, don't don't say something stassy. Literally just answer the question, why haven't you fired me? As the day is long. Fire me. If only you could. Okay, where are? Okay, look, look, I'm writing myself a check right now for $800,000 from the company.

Please fire me. Myth Matthews, you don't ever want if up and down and all happy birthday. Are you literally unable to fire someone? In and out burger is delicious. That's what I thought. I'm gonna head home. So little control And we're back for more of this shit now when we last saw our hero She was getting shitty advice from a pastor. I'm sorry. She was getting advice from a pastor

Sorry about the verbosity there and now we're gonna catch up with her showing up at home to her 30-year-old teenage sister again Gain some perspective Noah, right? so and and and Her sister says well, you know some sexy voiced man called for you and we have to go through like a ten-minute thing Where she has to buy the phone message from her sister. And again, this is so weird because this is a movie trope gone crazy as usual. It's weird to feud with your younger sister when you're 40 and the whole

like $5. You better give me the phone message thing is funny, but only if you don't pay her and then she then delivers the message. Yeah, right. Which by the way, we'll come back because apparently that agreement will just run on for the rest of the film. Yeah. Yeah. Can't afford to fucking get her own place, but she can afford to buy her messages from her sister.

But does the sister even give a message? She's just like, here's this very obviously a public bathroom napkin prop that's clearly blank. So I'm just going to tell you the message very early. So I'm going to name Danny Colton. Yeah, it was some sexy voiced man named Danny that called her. And right about the time we learned this, Grandpa comes in to be all funny at us again. Oh God.

And he's doing the old man with no teeth, mouth, motion, but he has teeth. Right. All of them. Just keeps doing that weird chewy thing. Yeah. Yeah, the way they go about, like apparently he needs a cane to sit down in his chair.

I mean, like everything they do to try to make him old, just doesn't make any fucking sense. Yeah. He's got like fucking little tennis balls on his fucking bicycle kickstand. Or yeah, anyway. So he comes in and they have this whole weird conversation where like I guess the dad character was rushed

to the hospital for chest pains and he has high blood pressure and high cholesterol. There's a whole scene about this. This will never come back up. Nope, never at all. The only thing about this scene of note is the daughter is like daddy when you can have your stuff and the actress who plays the mom very clearly really hits the other actress who plays the daughter. Because she's like, I'm like, oh, fuck you. Yeah. The rest of the scene is just that actress out of character being like, fuck, you got my ear. Fuck you. They're like, I've got a date to fuck. Well, it's so clearly unintentional to because she like turns around and just like throws

her hands up in exasperation, but as she does just spits this shit of that other actress, it was fucking hilarious best moment in the movie. So now Pam heads upstairs to call Danny back. And they have this very bizarre and creepy conversation where she's like, who are you and how did you get my number? He's like, I are you and how did you get my number? He's like, I got it from the internet. Yeah, he goes, I got it from your dating service and she's like, I'm sorry, my phone number

isn't on the dating service. Which dating service is that? And he's like, the, you know, the one you're on and she's like, I know Jordan, apparently months ago put you up to this. You don't fool me I don't date my ex-boyfriends business partners. I wanted the fucking cops to call and go like the call is coming from inside your vagina And then it turns and Jordan has been sitting there And it turns and Jordan has been sitting there.

What the fuck, I don't even understand what that theme was supposed to be. Jordan was testing to see if she would date other men. It's abusive, it's terrifying, but it will never come back or matter. Also, she called him. So has Jordan just been sitting in that house for weeks since he gave Danny her number or and and and then just like, well, I'm going to be there to nod condescendingly when you fail to close the deal with her.

I just want you to know. It's pan over. He's running a phone trace for no reason. He's home where I called her. She's talking. Keep her talking. This whole spy thing feels meaningless. I don't know.

He's my end of the scene. Should we keep acting? Should we keep acting? Also, also, if he's sitting right there, I mean, he did meet her on the dating service. Why wouldn't he just cut the phone and go, which dating service was? You know, I mean, he's anyway. Yeah. So yeah, apparently that was some friend of Jordan.

So he's like, Hey, can you fuck this girl for me? She keeps calling me anyway. So now we, she, she goes on a chat room. This is not desperate. She is. She is now going to go on a blind date with some guy she met in a chat room. Oh, it's so good. The chat room screen is amazing. Did you guys? Oh, so 2004. Yeah. First of all, Larry Flash J is the name, which I mean, it's clearly Flash Jenkins. That's the name of one of the people in the chat room. And he's talking to Rosebud, which is girls 69 in the US.

And also a nude man like you shows up at one point is on the chat room. And so we see Pamela typing in, want to go out and eat tonight. But that pops up under Larry flash J. So she's using a dude's name and asking out someone named Rosebud on this chat room. That's what's happening. That's how it goes down. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, once that to catch your predator intro is over, we cut to the restaurant and

this and we have again, like they're trying to do that scene where she's like waiting for a blind date and one guy comes in. She's like, oh, I hope it's not him. And then another guy comes in and she's like, I hope it's not him. Except for they don't know that when you do that, you're supposed to have people, you know, like whom one would clearly think one or the other thing about? Nope. Just dudes. Just random deferred 12 minutes.

So many of them would have been inappropriate like so funny. They would like you, they wouldn't want that guy. She reacts. And finally, Dammit, if Jordan doesn't come in, he was cyber stalking her this whole time. He is the protagonist of this movie. I don't get that. And he goes by Rosebud on

Shackling, which is weird. I mean, whatever you want, but, you know, his thing, but that is a little weird. Also, by the way, they're at an Ethiopian restaurant. And is this a standard thing? In an Ethiopian restaurant, does the waiter give you a menu and also like a basket of cobra snakes? Cause that's what appears to be what happens. Here's your menu. Here's your sombrero for you to eat out of. Is that what the hell?

Okay. Do you eat out of a sombrero there? I'm going to go ahead and say yes because you won't find out until Tuesday that I'm lying to you. That's how if you go through and people eat their food. Yeah. Why not? I'm a basket.

You're racist. So you don't know I'm wrong. You at home right now, you're like, oh, Eli, but you're like, wait, how to eat the Ethiopian people eat their food. Normal. That's how they eat their food. I don't know, though, because we've seen vultures of horror and there's nothing normal about the way they eat their food. So they don't have bat. They have ladles, but they didn't have any sombreros. Yeah, right, right. That's cultural. It's the crook. Yeah. One African is not the same. The other is just, yeah, exactly. So yeah, so Jordan comes in and she's pissed, but she agrees to give him five minutes to explain him damn self, which they don't stick to.

I don't know why they even I gave themselves a ticking clock. Did you really? I did. It's like three minutes. So he had this is where he like basically lays it all out. Like, you know, he's like, I know that like I'm the one that refused to talk to you because you were virgin. But while we're broke up anyway, I should tell you

that my business is downright, Trumpian in nature. Also, I'm married and I have a fat kid Right and you love me also He concludes this horrible confession where she's like super upset with you fucking love me and I'm like whoa movie Whoa, and again if this movie was all setting up to her meeting the right guy who isn't this character I'd be like, I get it. Bad filmmaking, a little broad, but no. Again, this is something that the protagonist does to our main character and we're supposed

to be like, he won her back. Hooray. Yeah. Holy shit. And so she's like all pissed because he's making her feel sick and this is an eating scene dammit. And she says to him, and I quote, I'm really feeling some un-Christian like thoughts. And I'm not sure what I'm capable of.

I'm like, well, it's not a crusade at least. Also, there's this great moment where he goes, I never wanted to hurt you. And she says, exact quote, how do you really feel knowing that you failed? And undoing that puzzle of a sentence was the next 17 minutes of my, how do you really feel knowing that you fail? He's out there diagramming. He's out there diagramming. I would love to watch you try to diagram that sentence.

Also I love too that he's very specific when he's like, I would do anything for you. Except, cut my own beating heart out of my chest. Harry Carri is out, but if you don't want me to cut out my still beating heart with a knife, I will do anything to make you happy. Look, I think we've all tried online dating and we've all had that one bad date where you just start building exceptions into your language, right? It's all going to spill and then she wants you to cut your beating heart out of your chest.

I didn't say on my profile, I wasn't into that. Yeah. And then so she, you know, he says, well, you know, I'm going to get divorced from my wife at some point. And I'm like, oh, he's a good man. Then you and I are good. He's response to that is he goes, I'm going to divorce my wife. You and I are going to get married.

That's just the way it is. I have said that the day before my wedding to my wife and as revolution, she wouldn't have married me. Yeah, right. I should have been like, now it's Thursday. Now we're doing it Thursday. Ha, ha, ha. My notes at this point, I just wrote, is this

the guy that shot up the school? Yeah, right. Also, this is kind of weird. So as they're going back and forth at the very end, before she like shoots up and walks out on the shot that goes back to her, the table isn't there anymore. Well, it's Ethiopian. Well, I mean, it was less of a continuity error and more of a glitch in the fucking Matrix. And somehow there's still 30 minutes in this fucking movie. And my dumbass is something and she hasn't even met her man yet. Wow. But also, why hasn't anyone showed up to take a drink order at this point?

Right. They've been doing this whole, I fucking hate this restaurant. In Ethiopia, you get your drink order out of it. You have to like reach into the sombrero full of cobras and pull out the drink that you want. Don't have drinks in Ethiopia. So now Pam goes to see her friend, all weepy. Pam is all of my wife's friends. All I needed to happen in this scene was for me to wander out and explain

I have a recording and that they need to cry more quietly. And this moment for moment my life. I'm just like, oh, no body painting was a career. I can't believe that I have a show to do. I'm real. She's gonna be the good one about this. I just need it. The seven needs you to be it a two. So yeah, she comes in all weepy to fuck up Elias record and she tells her friend. She's like, how could you not tell me that the guy you set me up with was a married cocaine dealer? And she's like, fuck, I have been going across town for that. I mean, I didn't know. I didn't, I mean, I'm sorry. I didn't know. He's not gay. So, or dead. Yeah.

Jinks, let me keep shorts forever. I guess that's what Jinks is done. It's done. No, I have to let me keep your shorts forever. He can't help you. Yeah, no, I can't. Um, so, he's son will die. Yeah, no, I can't. So he's son will die. Also, I should point out that at this point in the scene, her friend that she's gone to Weepat says, oh, and by the way, I've been waiting that Bible of yours and I'm a Christian now too. Ray, and that's actually how this movie plays this scene is that like oh look, but there's some good news

Her buddy friend is also gonna wait for marriage now. Hey Pamela goes neat and then she goes to the door Turns around and goes But I still love Jordan. It's the weirdest acting choice in the way she says it like it's the end of a 30-minute sitcom Just like yeah like her friends gonna laugh like it's the end of a 30 minute sitcom just like yeah, like like her friends gonna laugh and it's gonna end in a freeze frame just like, but I still love Jordan. Do do do do do do do Pam. Yeah, like it was her goddamn catchphrase.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Unreal. Oh, I want to make the show, but I still love Jordan where Jordan just does increasingly criminal and violent things. And at the end of the show, she goes, but I still love Jordan, where Jordan just does increasingly criminal and violent things. And at the end of the show, she goes, but I still love Jordan. Yeah. Modern day Archie Bunker. So I feel like this universe is about to converge with loving the bad man.

Still loving the bad man, whatever. So now we check loving the Jordan. Loving the rhymes. Glad man. Now we check loving the Jordan loving the rhymes. Glad man. So now we check back in on Jordan. And mom's been asked out drunk all day. She's laying on the couch.

Well, first of the daughter is launched into the goddamn scene from a fucking Saturn V. And then, you know, he sends her up to play the, I'm gonna beat your mommy music real loud. And to the hander of. Do you give her like a handful of cocaine vials to throw out at the beginning of this? Handful of nickels. Yes, he does. That's what happens, right? Okay. Pretty sure I'm gonna go put some change in the meter.

So yeah, so he wakes his wife up to divorce her now. This is again an odd blocking choice because the way he does this is, sits down on the couch, puts your feet up on his lap, starts rubbing her feet and goes, I'm going to divorce you. I don't love you anymore. He's like, like the way I come on, just giving her a foot rub. How was your day? I'm committing you to an insane asylum. Oh, traffic was the worst. Yeah, well, we'll get to the committing in just a second, but yeah, and first he says like,

and oh, by the way, I've also met this other girl, and she's like, who are you fucking? He's like, I'm not fucking her. I'm just, I just, she's Christian. And like every goddamn non-Christian person, and when he's stupid fucking movies, her response is Christian, Christian, you mean like God, Jesus, that's her actual fucking line. Yeah.

I wanted her to be like, like, do your note, the giant religion. Oh, okay. Got it. Oh, I see. That makes a lot more sense, though, with the way I was thinking to be like, you calling me N word in the middle of that conversation earlier. Yeah. It was on word Noah.

It was on word. Obviously. Christian. The head of the BHS swim team when important part that we cut. Yeah, right. That's the, that's the bad part. Um, but she, and she goes, I love it too, because this is the middle of the, I want to divorce you conversation.

So she's like, but Jordan, you don't believe in that Jesus stuff. And he goes, I've been reading the Bible for over a year. I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it.

I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. But she and she goes I love it too because this is the middle of the I wanted divorce you conversations So she's like, but Jordan you don't believe in that Jesus stuff and he goes I've been reading the Bible for over a year and I wanted so bad for her to go say anything about divorce in there There may be a section on that But then the scene gets so much fucking darker Yeah so much fucking darker. Yeah. Because he says, oh, and also, by the way, I found you a group home with alcoholics anonymous that I am going to have you forcibly committed to. Is that? Can you, she could just be like, no, right? And take half his cocaine money. Well, can you? I'm asking for a friend. He's the friend.

No, back can't be done. Although it could be a lot we could do with that loft. Anyway, get back with me. Get back. We'll talk to Andrew. So the bad guy says to the good guy, please don't put me in a home and abandon me my husband. But of course, you know, he does. Yeah, he's like, you're being gross about this. Yes, you know, he does.

Yeah, he's like, you're being gross about this. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Also, she totally forgets the daughter's name, but like not like in character, because you could see the alcoholic mom forgetting her daughter's name, but she's like, but I love you Jordan and that little fat kid that comes running

on the screen and says, black daughter. She goes, all I need is you and so you know, it's weird because we're, you know, toast. What's my daughter's name? Also, also this movie turns into an Eli Twitter conversation too at this point, because she's like, she's like, I'm gonna divorce you. She's like, I'm gonna commit you. She's like, I swear I'll have you killed. Wow. Really? That's the next place you went. She says, I swear I'll have

you killed. And his reaction is to like put a finger to his lips and be like, now come on. Does it work? If you tell me you're hiring a hit? Right. Who are you going to use Tony? You're going to use Tony really? Like I won't see Tony coming. I got fucking sucks. And now we move to another scene, which you could be forgiven for not noticing because

it takes place in the same fucking location with the same actors wearing the same clothes in the same position with the same lens. How did you know it was another scene? Because he suddenly just goes, Hey, honey, you remember when I was telling you three lines ago about that home, the people are here now. I've packed your thing. I thought he just had it set up fast. He's had the henchman there.

He's like, I'm going to divorce her and you guys just be ready. It right around the hallway. Yeah, those alcoholic anonymous kidnappers. Well, right, right? Because he's like, now you can do this on your own or they can drag your ass out like an overbooked united flight. What do you want, bitch? The good guy. Turns out million little pieces wasn't true, guy. I need you to calm down. That was a book on Oprah, that a gentleman who wanted money. Yes, that it was. So we're all the good literature goes is Oprah. So meanwhile, back at work, the gay guy from Designing Women is still fucking with her for the dick.

Anthony Boogie. Well, shock Taylor plays the character, I believe. Well, don't, sir. Well he knows his 80s sitcoms, holy shit. And designing women, the label show Delta Burke. Keep going, keep going. Done. Okay. I'm done.

I'm done. I'm so like this. Zach Morris, Mark Paul Gosler, and personal cast. Maria Lopez, if Neandertheson, Lord Voorhees, John Ligwazam. Dustin Diamond. So, okay, I don't know what we're doing.

He's reading off IMDb, I think at this point. Anyway, so, so they're at work and she's having this conversation. And well, the three of her and her two friends are having this conversation that please like, you know, the first you spoke in lines before a musical number breaks out. But what are you do? What will you do? What will you do?

What will she do? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, right. But this is never a song. Any parts, by the way, is also in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

She was going out that best friend, girl best friend is wearing a its Eli's birthday silk nightie in this scene and no one acknowledges it. Wearing a magician's handkerchief and they were just like, wow, that's your choice for this scene. She was like, yep, all out of daytime clothes. Also, can we talk about the fourth guy in this scene that they're all shouting over? Also, can we talk about the fourth guy in this scene that they're all shouting over? I'm not even against gay people, but it's just it's a lot. He's constantly talking about it's just very disruptive to the work. Are they always get at the front of the line when there's cake and I know there's not

going to be enough pieces and that white podcaster dude just shoves himself right in front of me. It's very, very upsetting. So. So, okay. So now we get what I consider, and this is a tough competition, but I think this is the most bizarre scene in the movie. Wait, was I stealing cake from this guy? So what happened? Let's go back to our show. Tadequil, listen once in a while.

So now we go to this bizarre scene where Jordan shows up. I'm going to commit you at cocaine plex headquarters, which is a doctor's office. It's at his office. It's very clearly. There's literally there's like highlights magazines on the table in a lobby of this international cocaine dealer's office. Yeah. And we start to realize where they are when he's got his daughter with him, right? He sits her down in the waiting room that cocaine, King Pins have. And he says, if I'm that out of there in five minutes, you take this phone, you call the police, you run to the elevator.

And like, why would you bring your fucking daughter to the cocaine plex had quarters? You stupid jack ass. Well, who would call the police and run down the stairs if not his daughter? Well, I mean, we saw the daughter, that daughter is not running down any stairs. Two thugs come after and she's like, bring it, move the fuck out. You're fine. We were going to use you to kidnap, but it's, no, I don't have, feel like this is going to be a very big, you know, situation is just stiff arm and like beast mode. They fly out Jonathan Velma, mean Joe green tackling them. So it was she gets, she is launched like mean Joe green and most instances. Yeah. So now we end up, okay, so he goes into me his cocaine

boss, who by the way is the only white person in this movie. So even in cocaine dealing, there's a glass ceiling. And he's in a suit 19 sizes too big for him. He looks like he's at the end of big. Like he had his old big journey and he's just like he fit my wedding with the sleeve seven sizes too long. I've got a father scotch hidden in each. You told me where to get that suit, whatever.

It was bespoke. Um, yeah, okay. So and he says to his cocaine dealers, like I want out and they have the whole, well, you understand the consequences of that. Don't you, Mr. Brian? Um, and he's like, yeah, but I'll go tell the cops about you if you piss me off. And I'm like, Oh, that's the right way to get out of Coke dealers good side right there. Good thing you left your daughter so handy, but it works. He's just like, hey,

for you, I'll make an exception. Yeah. You're so balsy. Yeah. the Latino white guy was he white or Latino? I don't know. He was a white guy dressed up to look kind of, yeah, made to look Latino. And he's just like, I'm gonna murder you. And George's like, well, I'm a Christian, so I won't murder you back. And then it's like, I guess we're at a classic impasse. Are we? We are.

It's a Mexican standoff. Am I Mexican? Ask Andrew Torres. So he goes back out after the cocaine dealer has agreed to let him go. And the daughter in the lobby has fallen asleep. I was in there for the daughter. It's like three minute. Me too.

I'm like one awesome twist. If he comes out there, the daughter strangled the death and be like, it would be like take is like, okay, a token hour and 15 minutes to get going, but now that's pretty good. That's pretty good I did not see that comment, but no She just fell asleep. So I wanted him to come out and yell at her and be like fuck I said to call the guy you fall asleep You fat piece of shit. Yeah, then would you eat a box of crispy creams? You need to nap it off? Well, 20 seconds to be fair That's probably what happened,

but he made us go upstairs and turn the music up real out before that. We said, go back to the office and turn the music up. All right. And be patient. I'm not as loud as I want. I heard, I know. And okay, so, but now it's time for him to go to church.

First, he's just like cute exit boy. Oh, yes. We're just like, all right. So we're gonna take off wave goodbye to the cocaine receptionist. She's like, bye. Okay, okay. Resetion. It doesn't mean tells me I'm meant to have something.

It throws her a lollipop. Hey, all right. Yeah, don't ask me that lollipop dad. Yeah, as you hold onto that one. So, yeah, so now he takes his daughter to church and my notes are just from this point on, 10 minutes left. If you don't count the credits nine minutes and 50 seconds left. If you don't count the credits pretty much like that to the end. Well, he's got to have the we just fucked, but I realized they don't know your name conversation with the pastor.

So, um, how do we feel about divorce and the guys and again, he can't be like, yeah, that's fine. Cause he's supposed to be playing a pastor. So he says, I can't be the judge of that. Yeah. All right. Well, you're pretty much useless then, right? Yes. Yes.

I am. Yep. Yeah. No, I did a whole diet tribe about that. Yeah. You like my mustache? And he's like, now pastor, you know that I'm a filthy Coke dealer, right? And he's like, now, Pastor, you know that I'm a filthy coke dealer, right? And he's like, dude, I buy from you.

What the fuck in the course? I know. No, I believe you're the black CEO of Merck. That's what was really what's happening. Yeah. But the pastor's advice here basically is fuck who you love, bro. Pretty much. So now we check in with the abandoned alcoholic wife and she seems to be doing fine.

Seems much happier. Outdoor AA meeting. I ran a campfire. Were they out? Okay, that's why it was dark. I was confused by that. It seems real fun. Heath seems real fun. Maybe they roasted marshmallows afterwards. Heath. Um, I just want to point out that we had no way endorse AA, which has a fucking rate of success approximately equal to just running out of scotch. Nor do we endorse Heath cutting back on scotch. That's also a lot. A.A. is a way to quit drinking, especially if you follow all seven steps.

I personally have used it to quit several things, stamp collecting. Never wear them. Check it. You must start by accepting a higher power and being a Christian. Isn't that the best way to change your behavior? To quit. Well, to quit stamp collecting by all means, absolutely. But I just, I love this fucking scene because we see that the wife going like, you know,

I'm so and so at I'm an hall, I'm here against my will. It was part of a kidnapping. And her story arc is now resolved. That's it. That's her happy ending. Yeah. So now Jordan goes to see Pamela and she still pissed off at him for being a married cocaine dealer. And he demands biblical forgiveness, which always fucks him right up. And she's like, no, and she slams the door. And then we watch him like annoyingly knock at the door. Like an asshole. Yeah, like clearly she knows you're still there, dude. You know, I have to ring the bell too.

Pamela. Pam. And he knows other people live there. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.

Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.

Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.

Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam burger for no reason. Yeah, not sure why they were trying to make you hungry again. They're like, we haven't showed Heath any fried chicken or Scotch and a while. The animal style. So he finds weird places to be happy in our movie. And then we get this line, out daddy, not so hard. Don't worry. It's not what you think. I was worried because Eli wrote out these notes. I thought he had switched to a different movie. But no, this is Jordan trying to learn

to braid his daughter's hair because he's a good dad when he's not committing their mother against her will to a fucking suit of being a stranger. Yeah, right, right. He's not feeling drugs or threatening that stranger and telling him to love him or stalking that stranger. Yeah. For telling you to be someone else and meeting them somewhere and then taking his daughter to a drug king paying office and leading her there with instructions to be his getaway driver.

Or stalking that woman later at her home. Well, there was that. Yeah, but other than that, stand up guy. The taggingist. So now, okay, so Pamela gets home, she has to buy her letter from Jordan from the sister for $5 again, because remember that we're still doing that bit. Yep. And then she goes up to her room to read the letter.

Now, they do the movie like voice over, like him talking as she's reading the letter thing, but like every other movie trope they use they completely fuck it up because there are other people in the room reacting to his voice over yeah like they can hear him not in the long but but maybe that's just him saying those words because at the end of the letter he he walks into the room. Again, like the thing with Danny, where he's in the room with his friend, has he just been sitting there all day? Who knows?

It did. He knows his car. He had to park around the back or something. The end of, yeah, take a cab or I don't know the fuck knows. Yeah. So, but the whole family is standing in the room as she reads this letter where he proposes to marry her and then he walks in with his ring or whatever. Right.

And we're supposed to think it's very nice. He got to the nicest thing to have at sales. Yeah, chocolate diamond. Where's the people in this movie call it a diamond. Okay. So yeah, and by the way, when you're a cocaine dealer, you can afford much better rocks than that. Anyway, long, awkward, uncomfortable kiss and the family's really super happy because

they have plans for that room that they should have been using for 22 years. And then for what I believe is the first time in 89 movies, we actually get a breakfast club close. Yeah, they, uh, they beat us to it. Yeah. Also, we get a breakfast club close for someone named Margaret Ellis. Who is that character? Yeah. Like they're giving us fucking shit from characters. We haven't even met like we were going to put her in a movie.

And also, like they have the most boring inane breakfast club close. Let's like Jordan and Pamela are now married and live in Bel Air. Like, ooh fancy. But they have a wacky nephew from Philadelphia. And then all of a sudden the music starts. Now this is the story all about. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. No, it's the pretense. Yeah. This was a prequel to fresh prince of Bel Air. They said they have three kids. They did say three kids. Yeah. Guys, it's a prequel to Bel Air, a sequel to cocoon seven.

And a not funny version of 40 year old version. We solved it just. Yeah. I think so. And then we went to where I spent most of my days. That's that is true. You like a story. Where?

Now that I have shorts long enough to conceal my boner. So dude, are they don't your ankles? What's going on? No, they're basically long pants for me. Yeah, no, they are. I've seen it. You're much taller than me. And why do you want to me? The thing possibly because whatever make me feel powerful. And then we get, okay, movies over now, but then we get the funniest goddamn moment in the entire movie. And I think we all have this in our notes.

Yes, we do. When they come up in the credits and it says cast, it says in parentheses, in alphabetical order, and then they list the cast with absolutely no relation to the alphabet. No, they do not. It is the best. They just think that that's a thing you say.

I can't. Yes, it's like the vultures of horror and that green screen at the beginning, they just think that's how movies end. Yeah, no, just to give you an idea, the first, the last names of the first actors, the last, peniston Brooks Jenkins, coffin, pew, carpenter Bryce to penal lane.

Mm-hmm. No, and it doesn't get better if you get counted the first names or the character's names. No, they just had that already in parentheses and then I fuck it. I'm not changing it. All right. So dare I ask, what is the moral of this story? Uh, the darker the barrier, the sweeter the juice. I think that's the best answer anyone could give. Okay, moving on. So in order to sort of rate this movie altogether, you know, obviously it would be racist if we withheld stars or give it three fifths as many stars as we gave white movies. So we're not going to do that.

Instead, I'm going to ask you a racially sensitive question to close. Where would you say this movie ranked in terms of historical experiences for black Americans? Um, second place, counting down, counting up. Yeah. The way I'm not racist, whichever second second and does hesitant as I am to ask Eli I'm gonna give this a solid Charles Murray He's just misunderstood Sam was very clear about that Whose Charles Murray and And why would this be episode 88 I don't get it as a number chiropractor Do you mean Charlie Murphy?

Charlie, are you on, are you on casual names with the pseudo scientists and race scientists, Charles Murray? No, you mean Chuck Murray, C dog Murray. Hey, he's, if you want not to see racist ending the episode with your nickname for Charles Murray, he's so bad-weighted to it. Chuckie. Chuckie Murray? It's a very large misunderstanding to what's happening right now. Charlie Murphy is an African American person who passed away recently.

Charles Murray is not an African American person who passed away recently. Charles Murray is not an African American person. Charlie Murphy. Charles Murray wrote the bell curve. And well, that's going to do it for our review of Don't Touch If You Ain't Praised several minutes too late. That is not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lock this in for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck

And of days That the army one or it's a beggar Arnold strike. Hey, it is okay. He saves himself. They Jesus He's an atheist but only because his wife is killed and he fights the devil come on. Yeah I'm just like I'm so happy after After the fucking bullshit we had to do with this week, I'm like, Oh, good, bad Arnie acting will seem really good after that. You know what? I'm going to toss out in advance. Best, worst, lesbian, incest. I'm just going to give you that right up front. So with best, worst, lesbian, incest, to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 89 to a merciful clothes once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon

donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcast lip. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, N.E.V.E. with drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chuckier of life this week. For Heath and right knee lab osmic, I'm Noel Usius, promising to work hard to earn on the chuck next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. We can tell then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. There is a sequel to this movie and Andrew's not going to let us do it. Grandpa couldn't believe nobody realized it was blackface.

Keith realized his mom's friend Chuck was a race scientist and no longer went to Thanksgiving. Alright, so Morgan, get your shit together. When I say rock, e-rock music, alright? Look, you got an old man cough, you can't handle it, let me know. Alright? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved. and a puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.