God Awful Movies - 9: GAM009 Last Ounce of Courage

Episode Date: October 20, 2015

In this week's episode, comedian Micah Sherman joins us to break down a movie so jingoistic the American flags are made up of smaller American flags.  Last Ounce of Courage is a retelling of The Grinch That Stole Christmas from the point of view of the mayor of Whoville, a Vietnam veteran whose obsession with Jesus stems from untreated PTSD.If you'd like to hear more from Micah, you can check him out HERE, or you can check out his comedy album here.And if you'd like to hear more from our maestro, Ryan Slotnick, you can check out Evil Giraffes on Mars.Special thanks for sound effects.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bayguésville Parque Sur. This is the actual thing. The government will shut down the veterans' home. If the mayor does not publicly apologize for putting up Christmas decorations, that's like something I say after three tabs of ecstasy. That's a sentence that comes out of my mouth. Three tabs

in someone's like Eli I think you're good on to it. I'm like, no man if the mayor doesn't apologize, they're gonna shut down all the veterans homes. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE!

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema and an effort to justify taking all these pain killers. I'm your host, No Illusions, sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Thank you, sir. And sitting 2,867 miles to my west northwest this time is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. Good to you to reach across so many time zones to be here, sir. There's not enough legal weed in the universe to dull the pain of this movie. And joining us for the first time is comedian and special guest,

Massacast Micah Sherman. Micah was recently in the acclaimed series High Maintenance. He now has a new sketch comedy album available on iTunes called John Rogers, Colin Idiot, and Eli swears that he agreed to do this voluntarily. Micah, welcome to God Offal Movies. It is my voluntary pleasure. So before we talk about how bad this movie was, I guess we need everybody to know what this movie was. so Heath, tell us, what are we breaking down today?

We've got last ounce of courage. It's an interesting project. It's basically the story of the Grinch who stole Christmas, but told through the eyes of the mayor of Whoville, who also happens to be a Vietnam vet with severe PTSD. And also instead of the Grinch, the bad guy is a lawyer from the ACLU who outlawed Christianity, I guess, at least according to the mayor's hallucinations. I think he's going to be the anti-Christ in part two, but no, Mike, I'm'm gonna give everybody a shot at this, but you're our guest. So you get first crack. How bad was this movie? I'm gonna give it two thumbs up. I loved it

He went through to the other side Mike just spends the entire time Years Jesus is pretty awesome, you know? I should start by saying that I'm an atheist and I have been for years, but the music was good. I enjoyed the lead actor who played Bob, and also I also liked Reagan. She was not a principal character,

but she was a fun actress in the Christmas patch or Winters face patch. Yes. Yeah, they were distinctions. Well, we'll get to all of that. I'm sure. So, Heath, would you care to summarize the misery with a clever analogy of any kind? All right. So, you know how Atlas Shrugged is a great work of literature, but you know, it's, I feel like it's missing that one critical element. Well, this movie realized that the missing element was Jesus and they ran with it.

It's that good. I see, it's like, I iron Rand, but also Christian, awesome. And Eala, how would you describe last ounce of courage as overall entertainment value? Um, well, you know how at Thanksgiving, you've always wished that your racist drunk uncle had his own movie company. That's what you get with last ounce of courage.

If he was just like, and another thing, Obama, who the Muslim by way calm muslim calm but he just had a million dollars to make a terrible movie of everything that came out of his face like if the guys from sears and robock were just sitting next to him writing down everything you say and Jews papers Jews, papers. And I have to say this, I believe that this is the worst movie,

ideologically, we have ever done. Oh, yeah, easily. I would agree with that. And what struck me most within the movie was the absurd judiciary universe that we were supposed to keep up with. Okay, so just a couple of quick examples. In this movie, a kid can get suspended from school for having a Bible in his locker. A church can't have a cross on it if anybody is offended by that. And you're not allowed to put Christmas decorations on your lawn.

So I ask you guys, what fucking dimension did this movie take place in? Yeah, this is like someone was like, this, because every, if we've ever had an internet fight, this is what every other person on the internet seems to think what atheist one is like, I believe you had your way. You'd make Christmas decorations illegal and Bibles, it wouldn't be allowed into into the school. That's what you want. And you're like, no, I don't even what this isn't anything close to what I want. I will say this, if a movie needs to take, let's say it's a three-act piece, yep. The first, it's a 90-minute piece.

The first two acts were exposition. Yeah. He's exactly what I'm saying. Yeah. If you need a full hour to set up the world in which your movie exists, ideologically, it's probably waning in some areas. Yeah, like that last act you guys that last act. Whoo, I have goosebumps throughout the entire thing. I mean, I'm right in.

If Mad Max can set you up in five minutes into a post-apocalyptic Australian wasteland where water pours out of the sky You know and everyone and fury Jose is in charge of a truck army But they needed 90 minutes to be like wait, but you have to understand here Christmas it's but then also a Rapp Let me go out on a limb here guys. I liked last ounce of courage more than Mad Max Yuri Road. Haha. Oh.

Strong statements. I'm really hoping this doesn't turn into a man's right. Just, oh guys, I didn't mention that. I'm an asshole. Micah is Pauli Lam. This is just, Pauli Lam's real name is Michael Sherman. I'd love to give you a chance to justify that or was that just a general statement about Mad Max? Oh, I didn't enjoy Mad Max that much.

But I did. I really, really did. I had goosebumps for the entire last half an hour of last ounce of courage. I'm not proud of that. But that is a true thing. My skin broke out, so that's kind of the same now. Yeah, exactly.

I will say, like any classic work of cinema, you know, what you really need to sell a movie is a phenomenal villain. And damn, did we have one in this? The villain in this movie was played by black exploitation, legend, Fred Williamson. Apparently his back child support caught up with him and he agreed to play the part of the evil ACLU lawyer Warren Hammer Schmidt aka the hammer and he was fucking awesome. If I ever sue anybody

for loving Jesus, I want him representing me. Excuse me, this is the hammer. Are you a lawyer? Yes. You're a lawyer who calls yourself the hammer. I mean, I'm a wrestler on the side. Now that you say it, I feel silly. I feel like that was a poor choice. Anyways, this is Warren Hammer Schmidt. Can I talk to someone? No, because you called yourself the hammer quick.

Yeah, the character names were a little heavy handed, particularly Christian. Christian? Yeah. Christian the grandson and then the the mayor's name is Bob Revere. Yes. Yes. They went with Paul originally and then they said, guys, no, you got to just make him Bob. Yeah. Guys, let's keep it subtle. Let's call him Bob Revere. That way later on people would be like, Oh, Revere. I get it. I get it. I get it. Clever. Half the people on set were like, I don't get it. Later on people will be like all revere Clever half the people on set. We're like I don't get it. What's reverie? No, no, you're spelled at

So now I will say the the whole thing with the the kid name being named Christian just rolled off my back You might not know this might have I'm hoping you haven't watched as many of these as we have But there's almost always a character named Christian and there's some yeah our first Reagan though this might be our first Reagan yeah yeah it's exciting oh I didn't even put those together oh boy that's because you're not the target demographic for this film yeah boy Reagan was great though Sarah McMullen look out for her but I'm with you if anybody is to get an award for this movie it has got to be Fred Williamson. That guy was phenomenal. He can smoke a cigar at you in the most intimidating way. Possible. It's really impressive.

Well, now of course we do say Jesus in this podcast, which means that it's only a matter of time before the ACLU comes through and tries to shut us down. So, quick while we can, we can take a short break and we come back. We'll discuss what I need to announce of to make it through last ounce of courage. As we'll learn in a moment, a big part of this movie revolves around an illegal effort to present Jesus' origin story in a public school play. The blatant illegality of this movie is excused within the universe of this movie by Bob Brevere telling his cronies that it's perfectly legal to teach quote, an objective lesson on the origin of Christmas, end quote, in a public school.

And while that is true, it may surprise Bob to learn that the nativity story is not, in fact, the objective origin of Christmas. And while I could demonstrate that by actually telling you that story, it just so happens that I've got somebody a bit more qualified to take care of that for me. Run, grab the young and folks, it's to have early synd illusions, Bible stories for kids. Gather round boys and girls. As you know, Mayor Revere has asked me to give you an objective lesson on the origin of Christmas.

So here we go. Thousands of years ago when we were all much much closer to filthy monkey man, a bunch of farmers knew it was about to get cold, so they found the tree that didn't look like it was dying and danced around it and asked for magic powers. They did this every winter and since not everybody died, they were like, holy shit, let's do this forever. And since it's winter, some time over most of the world, everybody had their own little dance around in a circle time. Thousands of years later, the Roman Empire arose and massacred a bunch of people and erased

their cultures from the history books. But they liked the dance around the tree part, so they kept it and folded it into a celebration that involved teasing slaves with a hint of freedom for the day and lots and lots of fucking. And then, even more thousands of years later, there may or may not have been a guy named Jesus, who was killed in a filled revolution in Jerusalem. But as followers continued to wander around telling more and more exaggerated stories about their martyred leader. around, telling more and more exaggerated stories about their martyred leader. Finally, about another thousand years after that, the Emperor decided to differentiate himself from his father and the surrounding territories by finding a wacky new belief system to fight under, and he did any one, hooray!

Then, a few hundred years after that, they had a big meeting to decide by a vote what the perfect word of God was, and they chose dance around the tree day, as their newly-annoyed God myths birthday because go fuck yourself. And so it was until a Jewish guy at an advertising firm decided he could boost Coca-Cola cells by using a character based on an 1822 poem by a guy who is probably a pedophile. The End. And we're back for the breakdown of a film that starts with an American flag and a military

drum roll and just gets more jingoistic from there. In fact, just to make sure that you know right away that you're watching porn for impotent Republicans, we're going to start the proceedings on a Ronald Reagan quote and not a pithy one either quite an extensive Ronald Reagan scare tech I wrote in my notes could they not get rights to a Hitler quote they could not have chosen a more fear mongering and damning quote to start this movie. I mean, honestly, it could have just been like kill him. Kill him all. Ronald Reagan.

And then we get the title screen that looks like it's from fucking American gladiators. Yeah, I wrote in my notes. This title screen looks like I should be getting car insurance from the channel. Get from a quote and save some time with a penguin and everyone's flying that commercial doesn't make any sense. I was like, oh cool, they got the same graphics guy.

Nice. So, the little home movie montage that we're getting is typical Americana story that this kid is growing up with his buddy and he's going to get married and they're going to, and then he's going to go off to war. I wanted there to be a home movie where they're all playing and He's like, you know, you're gonna die in a war. I'm not or two! You're gonna die serving our country, bloke! Okay, I'll say this. We'll as far as movie structure goes, I thought the whole opening montage was unnecessary. Ha ha ha! We're gonna take a look at this cinematically. We could have started with the fume.

Right! Yes, absolutely. Yes, we're gonna be able to plug in things like, oh, his dad must have been fond of him. And we don't need to see that beforehand. Well, you know, if we don't care about Stiffler before he dies, by the way, the actor's son looks exactly like skit stifler. So in my mind the entire time I waited for that character to be like, oh I'm gonna fuck stifler's mom.

Him to have a dance off with a gay guy in a club. I would have been nice. I would have been nice. You guys were missing my favorite part. Which is old Jesus. Yes. Yes. He sneaks by there. I wrote, I wrote Geriatric R and Ross,

sneaks by on the bus scene in my notes there. Who is this? Is this Willie Nelson? Yes, exactly. Willie Nelson, are we talking about miraculous Willie Nelson? He sneaks by right in the back. Yeah, Sam Elliott with a go-t. That's him.

Also, I just one other note, this, when they're seeing the kid off on the bus, this is the first time we see his vest, which has a anti-666 badge on it, on his gene vest, which he wears through most of the movie. The top most button is like a no smoking sign, but instead of a cigarette, there's 666 inside the button. That's the level of stupidity you can come to expect from this film and by the way it says Satan sucks right above it that's what it says it says Satan sucks the cross-doubt six six six six I honestly I should have spent more time looking

at the dudes flare he did have a lot of flare though he was an achiever you get that one for tying a bowline and exercising a demon right yeah exactly Mexican motorcycle gang and and then we're on to yet more useless exposition this time done in a series of videos that the kids sending to them from war and they're sending letters to him or whatever I also want to point out he's fighting a war in CPLand apparently. Over here we don't get all the colors. His brain, brown and darker gray. Also the set is so terrible.

It is so clearly shot in a paintball center. Right. He appears to be stationed in a slaughterhouse and and having a paintball fight And in the all of the shots of them using their machine guns They could not less be using them the way machine guns are used They're basically holding them backwards and riding them like broomsticks. That's how little So I lower myself slowly onto it, right? That's how this What was tough for me is,

you know, I liked the last, the last act so much that all of this unnecessary stuff. You know, I'll give it to him if it's necessary, if it's the magic of Hollywood, we need this scene, but you know, a lot of these scenes weren't needed. Yeah, I would say the vast majority of scenes in this movie weren't needed. Basically, anywhere where the hot mom was an onstage.

And then I want to point out this line too, because okay, so we get the shot where like the sun dies now and we're back hanging out with the family. And the voiceover, the dad says, I'll never forget the sound of that doorbell. It's like, it was just doorbell sounding, you know. Yeah, I wrote, yeah, bro, it's your doorbell. Right's like, it was just doorbell sound, didn't you know? Yeah, I wrote, yeah, bro, it's your doorbell sound. Right, like, ding dong. You've lived in that house for like 30 years now. Mildly ominous, maybe.

Yeah. And then of course we get the same funeral shot that you get in every Christian movie and magical, R&R, is sitting in the background somewhere. Also, is it just me or did the camera spend an awful lot of time lingering on characters we haven't met? It's just me.

Oh yeah, totally. Because they, because there were so few cast members that they could get for the funeral shot that they were just like, I know, we'll just really focus on these three guys for as long as possible. Some of whom you'll meet eventually. Well guys, guys, that's foreshadow.

Oh. All right. It's foreshadowing that we're gonna see some people. Eventually, well guys guys that's four shadow. Oh It's four shadowing that we're gonna see some people Oh god shit device. Okay, okay and So that we know how depressed and torn up Bob is by the way we get a shot of Bob like covering up It Bob has a very sweet motorcycle. It's got a very sweet Harley And we get a shot of him covering it up because he just doesn't want to live anymore now that his son's dead and he covers it up with an American flag. This fucking movie had flags made up of smaller flags. There were so many fucking captain America would have been like guys, this is a little heavy handed here. Yeah, to be clear about this scene,

he takes the full-sized American flag off of his motorcycle, folds it up, puts it among his tools, and then covers his motorcycle with a different American flag. This is a two-American flag scene. If you are the owner of an American flag, you are also the owner of an additional American flag. That's true's true yes i think that's true or anyone in the united states who has an american flag you own american flag it's like that too is once you get one

yeah i was just one american flag i will say this guy's the uh... the the the the funeral scene may have been a little bit lacking but this was a budget of 1.5 million dollars So 100,000 of that is going towards flat That leaves us a million dollars to get a crane to pull across up on a building That leaves That leaves a hundred thousand dollars for uh...

red Williamson's uh... prostitutes warren hammer-shinning and everyone else worked for indulgences and we're we're mocking this right now but this movie doubled its money yes it did it did yes this movie made

three million plus dollars at the box office mm-hmm that's not even counting the money that we put towards it through netflix to watch it i watched on youtube but yeah yeah i will say honestly as bad as the script is for this movie i kept expecting the acting to be worse it's like judging by the script this movie should have had like miracle man level acting. And instead it had left behind level acting.

I was impressed. Yeah, no, it was well acted garbage. Yeah, more or less. I mean, there were a couple of actors in there that kind of laughed out, but more or less it was okay. That's more than can be said for Mad Max Fury Road. A Tom Hardy is the most talented mother fucker working in a hollywood man watch lock and tell me that guy can act sorry

yeah that's you're getting on my man crush right there that lady shot her dad she shot her dad guys google it she shot her dad so anyway so speaking of getting shot i i love this scene and this scene honestly almost made the movie worthwhile while to me so we meet uh... bob fourteen years later and apparently he's a pharmacist and also a surgeon occasionally as we learn when these three bikers come in one of them spend

shot they come into the pharmacy to have the bullet removed yes and this this bycara gang consists of a who the head of this biker gang is a Midget and one of the other people is a giant so we have a giant and a Midget those are the two people in this motorcycle gang. Yes, and I just wrote in my notes They lift the midget up onto the counter. Oh, thank you I also when he says that he's gonna fix him up I wrote oh the pharmacist is gonna give you stitches

And then the bagger at the supermarkets gonna replace your liver Right You can't watch Dimension is this My father was drafted to Vietnam if you were in the Vietnam war you know how to do anything Oh, I see You know how to use a jigsaw Yeah You know how to use a jigsaw. Yeah, you know how to ride a motorcycle.

You know how to do back alley surgery. You know how to do heavy construction by yourself. Yes, absolutely. You know how to make a church cross attach itself to a connection. Precisely. Yeah, that's a... You know how to be the mayor of an entire town. So then the daughter-in-law and the grandson Christian are there for Christmas. Actually, they're, like, again, they're moving in. It doesn't tell you that.

You think they're there for Christmas, but if he's there for Christmas. He's going to school there. So I thought he was just there for Christmas and I didn't understand why he was going to school there I have a whole bunch of notes about why this is just Yeah, no, they don't start to go to a different school and also of course like every Christian and every Christian fucking movie We've ever seen Bob keeps a sadness box in his garage That he occasionally just looks through what he wants to feel sad or when we need an intro to a montage and now Christian finds it Yeah, when kids go snooping around in the sadness box, you got a bark at him. Yeah That's the only reason to keep it and playing

sight like that. Right, it's unlocked. If you don't want people to look at it, burn it. Or put it in a fucking closet at least. Now, so he opens it up and he sees a bunch of videos and he's like, hey, Grandpa, can I watch these videos? And then Grandpa pulls one. He says, you can watch those videos, but not this one.

This one is for act three. Yeah, and I wrote in my notes. Please be homemade porn. Please be homemade porn Please be homemade porn. I wanted so badly for the last video the kid pops in for just to be the mom and Stiffler just like who's daddy's girl? Who's daddy's girl? All right, I want to continue the Christmas page it now I'm gonna go throw up in that closet No, keep playing the video And then so part of this video includes a little You know a Christmas play or whatever and so the sun Christian

goes why don't people do Christmas like that anymore with shepherds and stuff that's actually the line and what's in the script to which Bob says well for years people have been trying to outlaw Christmas. Shepherds are illegal now thanks to this black lawyer that we're gonna get to. Yeah it's like what? Yeah what universe do these people live in where there's not a Christmas pageant fucking everywhere? Right! And then of course, when they're talking about Christmas being outlawed, Grandpa does the title drop.

Yeah, I wrote, they said the name of the movie! That's also on Christian movie being there, right? They also said no greater love earlier, so new game. Oh! Yeah, exactly. See, they're all part of the same universe Like Marvel. There's like 12 phrases. There's like 12 phrases you can use in this universe. Yeah So so when they when the name of the title of the movie is dropped People seriously masturbate because that's what I was doing. That's how you play. Yeah, that's the game

Yes, you got it. Yeah, and you got to finish by the time they get to the end of the center Done and done. Yeah, I mean last ounce of courage is a pretty long phrase. Yeah, I'm a twice This is a very scary movie for me Chris sneaks into the sadness box and steals his dad's Bible like it's weed Yes, like you're stealing some of your your older brothers weed out of his room You're like, oh man. I hope no one catches me. Oh, yeah, Corinthians. I'm gonna take this out into the woods and read it. That's where we meet Chris's love interest. Yeah, I have this character as baby Ronda Rousey. Yeah, she's a strong job, my friend. She's a strong strong job.

This is a girl who's like you want a hand job and you're like oh no thank you. No thank you. Can I get my dick attached to my torso. So then he's told he cannot have his dad's metal because it goes back into this sadness box. And I wrote in my notes, this movie so far is 90% hug flashbacks. that is just ninety percent of people hugging people who are no longer with us that's an awful lot of it and then we get to meet uh...

dad's our dead dad's best friend slash cops slash new love interest for mom uh... and it's very clear right away because in in christian movies it's just like oh you're a man um. I'm a woman. I want to fuck you. And you know, except they never fuck. I mean, I want to marry you. You want to stay for some brownies and I wrote and some pussy. Yeah, she made it very clear. Jesus Christ.

It was a lot more innocent than that. They had a lot of chemistry. They did. They did. Honestly, like, I wouldn't have minded watching a movie about those two characters. If we removed all the silly Christians shit. Also, I just want to throw out there. She and him have that sort of sexual tension filled conversation. And then she sort of has that snap out of it moment where she's like, oh, does anyone want some brownies?

And I just wrote here, have some brownies and I just wrote here have some brownies while I go change my lower clothes because they are soaking wet. Jesus Christ! Come on man! People got kids listening! That was not the subtext of that scene. That was the subtext of that scene. So now we're going to move on to another wholesome part of the film. This would be the first day of school. And he's like all upset and she goes, talk to him trouble and I'm like oh my god it's gonna be for bringing

that fucking Bible to school isn't it that's what he's in trouble for isn't it he could but see the principal put the brown bag on the desk and I was like is that weed I'm super into Chris now okay so this whole transformative moment where I was like this is great I'm really excited that this is drugs because they're talking about it like it's drugs. Who carries a Bible around a brown paper bag? I think they do that. No, I think the principal put it in the brown paper bag so he wouldn't have to look at its evil uh uh visager whatever. But it was also like burlap. It was like a burlap. Yeah, he double-bagged. He tripled

bag. He was like, I don't know, I can still kind see the cover Like the anal retentive chef or some lad around it to prevent the I really wanted Bill Murray to walk into the scene for the principal to go Phil Ned Ryerson He looks so much I really I really liked his this actor i thought he was that he was a lot of but he was my favorite actor the movie actually yet the actors that i enjoyed in this movie were the drama teacher and the principal

all the drama teacher was so good drama teacher was but we're gonna get to it in a second the drama teacher was fucking fantastic yeah i'm a terrible because he was not out of the closet exactly exact it's a gay steven king it will get to the point was fucking fantastic. Yeah, I'm acceptable because he was not out of the closet. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. It's a gay Stephen King. We'll get to the fun. So, now I want to make sure, because I don't want to just glaze over this, this is pretty important to the film.

The scene that we're in with the brown paper bag with the Bible in it, okay, so this kid got, they found a Bible in his locker. And now they've called his parents, his grandparents, and fucking, you know, whatever it is, you know, third cousin twice removed in. And the police, and the police! It's consulted with the district lawyer, yeah. I assume they had some kind of bomb disposal unit

that got the Bible out of his locker. They got a fucking robot and a remote control. That team, yeah. Some guy dressed like Channing Tatum all marshmallow down. I'm glad that this scene was so early in the movie though, because that let us know what kind of world we were in. And that made the third act, which was dynamite. It's easy to choose.

So they're walking out of the school and they're like, well, yeah, ever since they banned prayer in schools, I'm like, when the fuck did they, what world is it? Anyway, so they come across this, the janitor, who is the magic black man of the moon. Who is the first black character we have met in this film? That's important to remember. We are now 185 hours into this film in the first black character we meet is the janitor. we will not meet another one but he's a magic janitor and he let's know that there ain't no rule that you can't bring your bible to school right and when he said that i wrote my note there's no rule that says a bible

can't play basketball because i want that movie haha there's nothing in the rule book that says a bible can't play basketball airbud but it's a bible just a bible sitting in the rule book that says a Bible can't play basketball airbud, but it's a Bible Just a Bible sitting in the corner of the court and they pass it off it and it slammed us the ball It's like thanks Bible This was a problematic aspect of the world for me Later we learned that the janitor was working right alongside Bob revere in the war.

In the war. He was there the whole time, cut to 50 years later. He's a janitor. And the white guy is the mayor. Fuck his mayor. Yes, exactly. Can we address this? Is there anybody that hit with anybody?

Well, he's black. Mike, he's black. So many stereotypes at once they're standing there like oh um there's no rule against bible let's ask this wise black janitor excuse me sir sir wise black guy are bibles banned from school and he's like well i'd be happy to answer that question for you let me just uh... let me just finish this uh... piece of cornbread and put down the shoe shine kid i was only know that they're in the answer

and then bob revier's like thank you very much and then what a fuck you talking to me like that we're friends and we know each other for fifty years remember remember what we were together he had make up make eye contact with me.

Not just that. Not just that, but he is the only person who survived the mission that was the end of his military career. This is like if private Ryan ran into Tom Hanks in a hallway, so just like, sub dude, what's going on? Not much. That's what I gotta get my kid home. All right, I've been like four years so thanks for coming and saving me in Germany area

And then we cut to the family sitting around Home watching the O'Reilly factor. Yes, right the bill O'Reilly factor is on the TV and we watch it for a long Fuckin time. It's not Yeah, we watch almost a full episode. Pretty much. Yes. They couldn't even, they could not find a cohesive long clip of the O'Reilly factor that was as crazy

as the point of this movie. So they had to cut together the O'Reilly factor where he's like Christmas is being outlawed in Texas. I love the moment too when Christian like reaches up to turn off the O'Reilly factor and everybody looks at him like... AHHHHH! He's the homestead driver! Shoot him, shoot him dead! He put on MSNBCC we will kill you. So the, so they're watching us the whole billariley thing about how all the evil atheists

are trying to steal Christmas. And I feel like a fucking kid turns to his grandpa in the middle of this and says, I should not. What did my dad die for? What did my dad die for? As if to imply that his dad went to war Hey, what did my dad die for? He turns straight Adam and goes oil oil. Yeah. And cramps.

Victanium halibut. And cramps. So, but no, apparently the real war was for to defend the rights of people to celebrate Christmas. And so they have this big moment where they where the sun calls grandpa out or the grandson. And he's like, well, why aren't you doing anything about it to save christmas grandpa i'm i'm just one pharmacist mayor surgeon over here i don't know what i'm standing what am i doing i'm riding my motor cycle all over this grand country of art inspiring patriotism with my full-sized american flag i can't take fucking flag. The eggs off the back of his bike. Have you seen the flare on my gene vest?

What the fuck are you doing, Christian? I have buttons about Satan. I say Satan sucks on my gene vest. How much shit do you talk about Satan in your outfit? But the kids aren't willing to accept that. So they're gonna go rogue and decorate the house for Christmas. We get this whole big scene when they're in their attic. They're like, I want to do something crazy. I want to save, fuck the system. I want to hang up reindeer. I'm gonna fuck you in the rabbit. Let the secularists come. See

what they do. I wrote it up. let's put up Christmas decorations stay golden pony boys So now we go to grandpa and grandpa's wrestling with his conscience and he's talking to his to his wife and And stand stuff like do you ever think you'd see a time when people would be offended by Christmas and in the middle of this he says You remember that old ten commandments plaque that used to sit on the courthouse wall Like just conflates that with having Christmas decorations on your fucking lawn This movie does so much of that shit just it'll have a list of stuff that is like nobody gives a shit Nobody gives a shit nobody gives a shit the fucking founders made sure to specifically forbid that in the Constitution Nobody gives a shit nobody gives a shit nobody gives a shit nobody gives a shit the fucking founders made sure to specifically forbid that the constitution nobody gives a shit nobody gives a shit nobody gives a shit do you remember those beautiful paper decorations we used to put up and then that swastika that I

painted on the water tower and then wait what was that middle one the paper decorations you know little chains circle and then you you glue it to the other circle. No, the other one. Oh, yeah, the swastika. Ah, the old swastika. How the Jews would run. At which point, he has a time to get out my motorcycle, montage. Yes, yes. He's like, he's like, you know, I've got to do something.

And that's something to ride around on his motorcycle some more. And I wrote in my notes at this point This is what Walter Subcheck jerks off to This seed right here because the drums start He puts a giant American flag on his fucking bike. It just starts driving around I swear if he gets joined by a wounded veteran on a Different motorcycle with a different American flag. I'm gonna go pull over my by a wounded veteran on a different motorcycle with a different American flag. I'm gonna go pull over my keyboard. So he basically gives a speech where he's, this is the first of his speeches where he like tells us things that everybody with a fucking brain knows, which is Christmas is a national holiday. A teacher is allowed to teach the objective truth about the origins of Christmas, which oh my god I want to see

that. I want to see an objective truth on the origins of Christmas. So then you see kids at the Council of Nicaea, everyone decided which was the word of God. And wouldn't you know it? They got it 100% right. They voted and they voted on all the word of God but then in the 1950s a Jew based a poem on a pedophile about Christmas that he was trying to use to sell Coca-Cola so that anyways that's a story of Christmas why are you all crying I don't think that that is necessarily legal I'd like. I would like to see a teacher teach the objective truth about the origins of Christmas. Everyone here has heard of Stonehenge, right? The Vikings came from Scandinavia.

Exactly. So what's going on here now is that Bob has opened opened up the old storage locker all the city's christmas decorations are just apparently growing mold and fucking rat shit um... because they don't decorate for christmas so now he's gonna take all these decorations out of storage and put them up himself by himself apparently with a fucking cherry picker uh... but he has to stop and give everybody this patriotic I got on the internet and learn the law speech. He actually says that. He's like I got on the internet and learned all about this. I'm like you're the fucking mayor. You're not fucking mayor of a town

and your legal counsel is I got on the internet. You're fucking you're marrying through legal zoom and who will be representing you Google So guys, I did some research. I got on the internet. I watched about 40 hours of knockout compilations and now I'm putting up all these Christmas I learned all about zeitgeist. This is another clear PTSD moment from Bob, the re-inflated Michael Douglas, whatever. To the reporters there. And they're like, yeah, could you come down from that cherry-fucker truck

and do an interview with us? And he's like, uh, so no, I'd like to do it inside the buck. Could you please just step out of the bucket for the interview? Never! Never leave the trench! He's throwing invisible grenades down in his 45-degree angle for the interview. He's, they actually have him leaning out of this fucking cherry picker about 8 feet off the ground holding her fucking microphone. Fucking ridiculous. So, now we cut to the first rehearsal for the school play and the drama teacher who is my favorite fucking character in this movie. His first

line is oh Broadway you are an elusive mistress and it gets better from there. Everything this guy oh first of all this is obviously the funniest person that all of these people know and he improvised Every god damn like as an improviser and like oh yes, Micah you know this as well where they're just like Micah go You know do something funny your characters like this and you're like great. I'll do what you're writing for you This is obviously what happened to this guy I'm gonna go I'm gonna go out and say it This character gives Christopher guest to a run for his wife.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Got a little Tobias Fyunke in there too. Yeah, and a Holy Gaste even came out. We're all rolling up. Yeah. So now we're at, we've got mom and, we got hot mom and grandma and they're sending out invites for their holiday party.

Yeah. And she's like, oh, there's no RSVP. She's like, if there doesn't no RSVP. She's like, if there doesn't have to be everybody comes to my fucking party lady. And she's like, oh, but you put Christmas party instead of holiday party, you'll be shot. Yeah. I wanted a flash cut to the Rosenberg house where a bunch of Jews are just like, well, I guess we're not invited this year. Very nice. Very nice, rude. Do you guys know anybody that is offended

when they're wished a Merry Christmas, or even a happy Hanukkah, or even a happy Ramadan? Right, nope. Who is offended? If you're painting it on the water tower that my that my tax dollars are paying for Then I'm offended. That's when I get offended, but not when you just walk by the street say Merry Christmas Yeah, and a Merry Christmas to you too. Yeah, fuck you. It's happy holidays Fuck you now you have to read the same Harris book and to faith chapter one

We're doing this No check out lady at safe way Shouldn't send Merry Christmas if you didn't want to have a discussion So now we get to The call from the hammer. Oh my god. I love this fucking guy So yes, we haven't met our villain yet, but in this movie the part of evil will be played by civil liberties as personified by the hammer. I love one of my favorite things in the world is dumb people writing for smart people like they have to write the smart person words and

This was the quintessential example. Yeah, so before we jump into his phone call though Can we talk about the establishing shot for this? It seems to be saying that the ACLU has their headquarters in the US capital building in DC. That's it. Yes. It's not the same.

A lawyer from the ACLU is not the speaker of the House in Congress. He can't just make laws. He wouldn't be in that building in DC. They have no idea what's happening. Oh, there is a Theme of this movie of conflating the ACLU in the government and the health department and just everything the family It's the veterans like every all of the government and the ACLU is shit I would not be surprised if they cut to that and he just had all of those signs on his desk

He was like, yep, that's right. And I'm the president too. But they could not understand less about how the else ACLU work. In fact, I was so confused by this that I actually thought, oh, I misunderstood the preview. That is a good character who is calling to help them because they live in a world where Bibles are illegal. And the ACLU would support you to bring a bible wherever the fuck you want to

so we get his he so he calls up at the mayor's office mayors not in and he goes you know is your municipal executive acquainted with the relevant axioms with reference to the perceptual disengagement of tabernacle and articulate, I mean governing bodies per se air go Proctor hawk Guys this is where Latin kicks in for me Latin kicks in I'm ready Oh, no, we didn't need any okay, sorry. No, no, unfortunately, they have this pretty Mr. Peter's now now and unfortunately that the street mister peter jay so basically what we get here is the acl u is calling that because apparently

they saw that local mount columbus news broadcast where he's hanging out of his fucking cherry picker and they're telling him hey man you got to take down the christmas decorations are we're gonna sue you right this is this is johnny caulkman right we're talking job yeah it's well yeah but it's but it's not though because it's like an ACL you guys you're just like actually a writer of this movie's head Johnny Conkren was the ACL you and like they just got OJ off because he was black oh I see it's like Johnny Conkren and Al Sharpton like it's that they're all the same character the job like black people who stop us from saying the end words All represented by this one character

Uh extra casting did go out of their way To have a number of black citizens. Oh, yeah They're just supposed to sit in the audience and agree with things that are being said by the white people, so it's not as offensive. Well, we did it some homeless people later too, so they brought them out for that scene as well. So, yeah, so Warren Hammersmith apparently is demanding that the mayor publicly apologize for Christmas decorations. Right. Or the government will shut down the veterans homes. This is the actual thing. The government will shut down the veterans home. If the mayor

does not publicly apologize for putting up Christmas decorations. That's that's like something I say after three tabs of ecstasy That's a sentence that comes out of my mouth three tabs in someone's like Eli I think you're good on to it. I'm like, no man if the mayor doesn't apologize I'm gonna shut down all the veterans homes Tim O'Leary would have heard that phrase and been like I don't know cats and kittens. I think that's a little been like i don't know cats and kittens i think that's a little fun and so that so the mayor says to his assistant is like i put together one of them press conferences or whatever we'll talk about it so we cut to the press conference which drew apparently four people

uh... where he gives a yet another one of these long like everyone already knows this shit speeches about how if you're a Muslim you're allowed to Muslim all over the fucking place how come Christians can't Christian all over the fucking place. Oh here's here's a problem too that I found that I found with the Relatability of Bob's character. Um, he's in his dick mode right now. Yeah, so I was like this guy's being a dick. So I was like, this guy's being a dick. You see, like Warren Hammer Schmidt comes in and is like, what's your doing is inappropriate. He's like, you know what? You're a liar.

Merry Christmas asshole. I'm outta here. Yeah, it is that conversation between the two of them is quite literally, no I'm not, you are. That is all he said. Warren Hammer Schmidt comes in and he's like, yeah man, you can't do this. is quite literally no i'm not you are that is all he said one of the most of the news like yeah man you can't do this this is excluding people and he's like am i or are you the one is excluding people

and no no it's you yes still you is it though yes and as a viewer uh... i think we're supposed to be relating with bob but i found that difficult uh... uh... not because you know not because i'm I think we're supposed to be relating with Bob, but I found that difficult. Not because I don't agree with his worldview, but because we've set him up to be a jerk.

Right, yeah, that's a great element of his personality. Who wrote this movie? I just want to touch on a couple of things he says he says there's no way that a few old sore heads are going to prevent us from celebrating and i just wrote my notes jews muslims and atheists equal a few old sore heads that's us and his he's he's allowing of the of the other religions he goes look if you're a Muslim feel free to pray in the middle of the town square and if you're a Jew display your menorah and blow your shofar now as someone who was born and raised Jewish you have to understand that would be like saying and if you're black eat your watermelon and eat

your pride right here white women don't think too completely unrelated holidays and they have no you know you should do with this Yeah, I think I think Darryl Campbell and Richard Hydrick I think they may have misspelled towel And spelled it S O R E And spelled it S-O-R-E. Good answer. Also, I love how he acts like he'd beat this character would be okay with a Muslim praying in the middle of town square. If there is no way that the guy who is going to be like, they're trying to take away Christmas would be like, oh, that's nice and nice little Ramadan celebration.

He'd be like, get him quick! Yeah, I think that's the main problem I have with the thesis of the whole movie is They're like no you can do whatever you want. Yeah. And we will be. You will. We're not allowed to do that. Yeah. We're allowed to do anything we can do right away with.

Go out of the square. Lower your jule-loos. See what happens? Yeah, also, I don't think he would be okay with that. Showfars are allowed as fuck. Yeah, exactly. also i don't think he would be okay with that so far as our loudest yet exactly also the this is where he tells the hammer that he doesn't have any jurisdiction and a lot of it's you're right he doesn't have any jurisdiction because he's not

a part that is cut that is how little about the law this movie understands that they're like go on arrest me were in hammer shmit go on man put me, we're in Hammer Schmidt. Go on, man. Put me in Cuddle. You pick, I have no idea what you're talking about. Do you know what a lawyer is? Maybe not. Yeah.

And I love, and we get this several times in the movie, but I love that, that, six inch on week. That Bob says, when the hammer says, hey, you can't do this, it gets low. He's like, show me the law and And then they act like warrant just oh well there's not a law or so, but I'm like how about the first amendment? Show it to it. Show him the law

For him to just be like oh all right here you go. Let me here you go. He is the law and then he's like oh well Would anyone like a pretzel the law and then he's like, oh, well, would anyone like a pretzel? I didn't. Credits. And realize he was actually going to show me the law is, because this is something that confused me is part of the, I don't understand the philosophy of this movie at all,

because it is the worst philosophy of any movie we've ever watched, but it's part of the philosophy of this movie that like atheists and secularists and the ACLU don't actually have a legal basis for the things that we're doing. Yes, yes, that is exactly the down to it. There's nothing in the Constitution that says you can't have a state established religion. They all say because the words separation of church and state are not in the Constitution. You know, that comes from I think a letter from Jefferson that was written afterwards as an explanation of what they were trying to do with the

Constitution. But anyway, because the words. Sorry, I hate to interrupt you, but that was actually Hitler. I read a meme. Oh, Hitler invented the phrase separation of church and states so when you say Hitler you say separation sorry yeah Hitler was our third president oh no i'm sorry i'm sorry he was our right is our 44th president right yeah yeah almost not yet not yet don't spill the beans quite yet so now we we we move over to the red and black moment of the movie where all the kids are planning

This dick move we've been alluding to in which they are going to hijack the play Right which by the way in the planning meeting the girl goes, I've never heard this story. And it's like, oh, you've never heard of the Christmas story. And the girl's like, well, I've never read the Bible. And I'm like, oh, but have you been on earth? Have you been... Let's just say, thank you, Mr. Rekka.

He's been in the Bible. I've read that, but I'm a faggot. If you've never read the Bible, what are you doing in this planning meeting? I'm right. She's just contentious. She would have have done anything they could have been like we're gonna pour some blood on the director she would have been like i'm down let's do it yes cut my thigh i want to feel alive again burning with a cigarette

i actually did write a thing i wrote a thing later on that was like regans oh i truly true to you as later on that was like, Reagan's, oh, I, Trudy. Trudy is the one that was like, it feels so wrong and feels so right. Yeah. And I wrote, Trudy needs to call me in five years. Yeah. I think I wrote, I believe Trudy's autistic,

stop making fun of her. Right, because again, this movie, this movie, take, again, because it was written by a drunk uncle over a Thanksgiving table, after he took a bottle of cognac into the closet in the kitchen for a half hour. Oh really? Were you looking for sugar? You didn't come out with sugar. This movie has all sorts of moments where they just throw stuff in like a character will just be like and they all smell different. Wait, what? I don't know, man, it the script but i had i i love their little their little seam where they're all trying to come up with names and it's like operation jade helm government shot first at wake up

jiffield doesn't burn that hot i apologize operation reptilians you've been on the internet with bob have it so they decide they're going to do the thing. Wait, wait, but before we move on, I want to say a little something about Christian children. I don't want to be too negative about Christians. Like, I have friends that are born again Christians and, you know, they have a problem or whatever, or like they find Christianity at some point. I'm sorry, I want to just, I'm going to rephrase that Christianity takes advantage of them when

they're at their lowest. Continue. Sure. Sure, but it's a good thing for some people. Not for me, not for you, but for some people, it can be a positive thing in their lives. I vehemently disagree, but I'll let you keep talking. And it point. We're gonna remix that so Mike is like, Christianity is the devil. I was like, everyone who's a Christian. The Jews started all the wars. I gave Jared from subway those pictures

Lip it straight from the O'Reilly factory, we're all sorry, I'm sorry, but you were saying you were saying no, it's okay You can be wrong about your point The point the point I'm the point I'm trying to make is that Like the opening montage of the the kids when they're young like like, having a good Christian time, is the worst. It's a real bad time. They're all like, they're all like, negative towards each other and like, Sanha, how like, oh, you can't sing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

and then this brainstorming session of like, they're trying to be sneaky about something that is the lamest thing I have ever heard of. Right. They're like, yeah, how something that is the lamest thing I have ever heard of right They're like yeah, how can we be more like our parents? Right, how can we ruin the Christmas play right? Yeah, and it's also yeah, we're we're gonna ruin theater Let's let's let's to to to to make our parents proud. It's We when you're talking about Christianity taking advantage of

people at their lowest, I think this is when Christianity takes advantage of people at their lowest. Yeah, exactly when they're little kids, when they're trying to learn about the world and that kind of thing, not when people have learned about the world and they're like the only thing that I have to stabilize me is my belief in God. I have no problem with that. Yeah, I mean, you know, listen, I'm all for kicking a crutch out from underneath people.

Oh, my gosh, just like, I don't know. I think they really need that. No, no, they fucking don't. This gold brick or a wakse. So now I guess the hammer comes to have a talk with him, this gold brick or walks so now i guess uh... the the hammer comes to have a talk with him but he's too late because the mayor's headed out with gym bomb to go get themselves a christmas tree for the courthouse lawn

and i and that's so the truck trucker tries to keep him entertained and apparently he needs another bomb or something or had one too many because he starts uh... like you know i guess comic relief thing all over the place, I don't know. I think they probably got spoiled with the drama director. This guy could do it. Yeah, right.

Just drive the truck and go for it. Yeah. Oh, and this is another experience, Micah. You can relate to this one as well, which is where you have been hired to act in a film or TV show or something and Improvise and then their uncle Dan who got a part because he has the biggest car and loaded all the props into it has also been told to Improvise so you're like, hey uncle Dan, he's like, I have a gun! Give me a blowjob!

That's what I assume this harmonica scene is For that director it was 90% I have a gun give me a blowjob and they just edited together him singing these It's like all right. We'll take it again God. We're burning through film like that All right, so no guns no blow jobs. We get all we want you to do is improvise Oh look at me. I'm Britney Spears fuck me in the ass God man when he when he gets the spirit he really gets the spirit Oh boy What do you got what do you guys think it was actually like to work on this on this project like if you're if you're part of the grip

Staff or like if you're one of the extras you're like what the hell? Going off you're you're chuckling again No, that we can see the boom when you chuckle quit laughing at the dialogue And then we cut over to the mission Which we've talked about what we haven't seen and this is where we learned that Hill Valley or whatever has a terrible homelessness problem right there are nine people in the town But there are 25 homeless people in this mission now I see why they're so pissed about him spending money on all these christmas decorations

that are in the fucking economy maybe the mayor spent some time at the soup kitchens that have renting large construction equipment for decorations for him to operate the the mom is helping this mute homeless woman into a which is by the way like a fur coat it's not it's not like a stay warm and winter coat it's like i'm ready for my clothes that he put so she puts her in this fur coat and then she hugs her and whispers in her ear Jesus loves you. Yeah, I wanted the woman so bad to whisper back. I'm Jewish Handdo bitch having a great fiscal quarter, but yeah, I don't know weird

so I mean, Hindu bitch having a great fiscal quarter, but yeah, I don't know. It's weird. So, and now there was also a real interesting line here where the the hot mom asked the grandma. She's like, does Bob blame me for his son dying? And the answer is yes, yes, yes, yes. He has a hard time with emotions. It doesn't exactly know where to put him. He just tends to ride his motorcycle when he should be a therapy.

Look at his sadness box. Oh, and then she gets the letter at the last second where we find out that the health department is going to shut down the mission because of Christmas. And it's just, it's one of the, another one of these moments in this movie where they're like oh yeah because the acl you has power over the health department which has power over the veterans home which is it's just all one giant government that's coming down on this little town for their fucking christmas tree yeah exactly he can pull all the strings from his office but here's the interesting thing if this this is not, I lived in a universe in which that was not related.

And so they just had terrible house standards, like rats were eating to the coast. They were giving to the homeless people. And they were just like, and they were like, can you believe they're gonna shut down the mission? Yeah, that lady died of diptheria. Well, that's not the point. It's not the point.

She's fine now. No, she's dead. It was fine with Jesus. And then we cut to the part we've all been waiting for. This is the first rehearsal for the ritual to resurrect El Ron Hubbard that is their winter play. Oh, yeah, here we go. And where he does the puttun. Yeah. Yeah, exactly, exactly exactly so they're they're they're doing this weird dance number with this weird music the weird

chirping or whatever weird or brilliant and now there's this great moment I that I absolutely fucking love okay so they're still trying to figure out how they're gonna pull off this illegal hijacking of the public school play. And the janitor has this, he's fucking with the store in this closet and he's going, oh boy, this door lock really tight, such that one might easily become trapped within it for an extended period of time if one were to accidentally get into it. Door keeps sticking, sticky door, it was like Michigan J Frog, like, we're shadowing a sticky door. What was like Michigan J. Frogger for shadowing a sticky door

What what ribbit nothing in my mind that's how this janitor talks to himself whenever he janitor So he's just downstairs damn radiator burns hot full of fire heats up water goes into the pipes Ain't no losses the radiator ain't allowed in school. No one asked you about that man. All right, just checking. I was in nom The literally say this character And also okay, so Bob's put up his big Christmas tree out on the front lawn here and mystery out on the yaw front lawn here uh... and apparently all the atheists have gathered for a no christmas protest just like in no where ever

with four of the sims smoking his evil cigar missing the camera and there could not be less of i know it's supposed to be the intention of the movie that like there's so few atheists because it's just a few sore heads but this could not be a less enthusiastic atheist protest. It's just like three people with their uppity glasses being like, we can read. We can read. And now we've cut over to a town hall meeting, but first we get this creepy little bit where Bob and the hammer run into each other in the men's room, and from the way they're talking, I expected the hammer to rape him.

Yeah, absolutely. I was like, oh, this is going to be unforgivable all over again. Fight back, Jody Foster. But he didn't, unfortunately, the color bubbles speech from run away, jury, and then they moved on. Big let down. The color bubble speech from runaway jury and then they moved on big let them and this is when mayor He comes into the hammer comes into the meeting and says you have overstepped your boundaries and literally like the joke I made about the earlier scene he goes you did you Yes, he says it back quite literally. I know you are but what am I is the literal script of this movie?

Yeah, the whole scene is like angry black guy versus calm white guy saying the same thing only softly. Yes You have overstepped your boundaries. You have overstepped your boundaries and I'm calmer than you are On hand motherfucker you my good man have taken the long to your own hands and I'm very relaxed and confident. Right. And I also want to point out that while Bob is justifying his Christmas theocratic take over or whatever, he says that would be like not honoring Christopher Columbus on Columbus day. Yes, yes, it would. It would be like that. It would be a good idea.

What do we call it? Great explorers day and be like be like yeah, I mean we could we could start by talking about some great explorers Yeah, as opposed to a failed Spaniard who died in bankruptcy and wanted to enslave everyone he found when he was lost in sea. Yeah It's tough to go bankrupt as a slave trader. That's that's depressing Yeah, that's like I've I got lost in the Bronx and I was just like, we could kill all these people. Modern take Columbus. So, and then, and then Hammer pulls out his, uh, he's got his trump card. He goes, well, I obtained a directive from the judiciary. He's like, why don't you just say I got a court order, mother fucker? I have taken the court order. motherfucker. I have a court order.

I hear I have a court order. Which my hand. Which my hand. The protagonist of this movie tries to hit him. You know, it's supposed to make a court order. Yeah. The protagonist of this film is like, oh, fuck, kill you, N word. It's like, oh, all right.

If Bob had called Hammer, the N word at one point in this movie we wouldn't be like that's so out of character by it. And thank you did with his eyes and stuff. Yeah, exactly. He goes, I have in my hand a quarter order that says, I can demolish your Christmas tree with the medium grade explosive if I want to. You did what? Hold me back.

No, seriously, hold me back. Hold me back. You did what? You did what? Then back no seriously enormous. Oh, we back you did what? Blackvillars can fight. Yeah, so apparently separation of powers is on American fuck the judiciary And then we go back to our weird little Scientology ritual rehearsal Whether singing a secularized version of silent night That I totally fine by the way

Right That I totally fine by the way right right right now and they're thinking is like winter night and I was literally sitting there And I wrote in my notes. This is nice. This is a nice song about Round-Yan snowman I liked it. I think we can all agree secular silent night with aliens and snow leprechauns There's a way better song yes, no No, so long doesn't counter lists. It's about a 16 year old rape victim who lies to her husband It's about a 16 year old rape victim who can fly to her husband This alien better lie to its husband about getting the doctor of under Play anymore Also, it's the same melody. It's a great song. Yeah, it is a wonderful

Beautiful tune. Yeah, even in German in in English and even with this new writing It doesn't matter what you're saying that melody is the shit See this is why all Jewish songs are terrible so no one ever changes the words Bye Bye, bye, bye, 45-moments This is why everyone tries to kill us. That's where anti-Semitism starts, guys. The neighbors of a juice just being like, really anything haven't heard any music in the last 25 million years. The ancient Samarians said like, bongos and stuff.

What Jewish instruments have you heard of? None. Did you just came up with knowledge. Bye, God. Bye, my God. Bye, my God. I'm so expensive. Bye, bye. Hey, that David could weigh on the fucking heart, bro. That's true. So and then we go back, we cut back to the, the kids, like, finalizing their plans for their play, take over. Um, and at one point, they're, they're going like, do you think the audience alike it? Do you think they'll understand that it's all about peace and love and joy? Like, no point they're going like do you think the audience alike it? Do you think they'll understand that it's all about peace and love and joy? Like no, they're probably gonna think that you kidnap the drama teacher and fucking hijack the play Right I wrote in my notes. Trudy might be retarded guys. Let's take this serious

Because Trudy's asking questions that make me worry about her everyone else is like great So you'll secure the curtains you'll get the light. Trudy, what are you gonna do? Breathe through my nose! Alright, good stuff, Trudy. Oh shit, yes, inspired by Bob's bravery, all the neighborhood kids have banded together to stage a Theocratic takeover of their school, but as we know, what goes up must come down, unless it breaks orbital velocity, as too like to be captured by Earth's atmosphere or is Jesus. So as the hammer slowly draws his plans against them, we'll take a quick break, but before

we do, I want to give act three the hard sell. Will America freedom, Jesus? Will Jesus freedom America? Will freedom freedom freedom? Find out that Jesus to America questions and freedom when we Jesus back for act freedom of America, America America Jesus This is the hammer I Disembarked on this present excursion with the expectation of obtaining a collision discuss of bovine

Commestible accompanied by a substantial receptacle of sacrifurist liations Yes, sir. Would you like fries with that? F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k an active war zone. Like you can see us in the shot behind you now. Now it's literally the worst time possible for you to be doing that. Well we had some downtime and I thought I would just, you know, make a video on a camcorder to send to your wife an unborn child. Yes. I mean, how do you even have that? That seems unwieldy and fragile. Oh it is very much so yeah. And then you mail the tapes home? Yes I do. I mean you don't just mail tapes with our location command on them right?

Yes. Sir the enemy has found us. Damn it man! I died for freedom. Hahaha. And, despite the felonious Halloween decorations on my house, we remain unincarcerated for the exciting conclusion of the last ounce of sanity, and while Bob's convictions remain unwavering, it would appear that the good people of Mount Columbus elected a bunch of Judas Ascariots to the city council, because we've learned in the next scene that those bastards have decided to turn their backs on Christmas. Yeah, and we basically, so they have decided to not do Christmas.

Like, what are we supposed to believe that they can't- So the council is sitting there and they're going, hmmm, federal funding for veterans or keep the Jesus statue up. Veterans, Jesus statue. Tough choice. And Bob is like, Jesus statue, guys, veterans Jesus statue tough choice and Bob is like Jesus statue guys fucking Jesus are you a veteran not the point He's trying to start a USA champ by himself Bob holding up both your hands doesn't mean you get two votes Bob holding up both your hands doesn't mean you get two votes I'm just mad

I think what I want And of course we cut over to grandma's Christmas party But no one came to the party because she didn't write holiday on the cards that bitch Right so instead they invite all of the homeless people to their party And I wanted so badly a montage of just homeless people fucking on their beds and stealing their shit and crapping in the corners. This was the mistake we should have just taken everything out of the fucking. Somebody upper deckered us. That's just yeah. Why would you? Yeah, you don't want the homeless people hanging out at the pharmacist's house generally speaking. But apparently if you see any of my prescription pants, no. Not a goddamn one. You mentioned it. But I'll tell you what, if

anything is going to turn on a couple of Christians, it's going to be a bunch of homeless people trying to get shelter on Christmas Eve apparently because this gets hot mom and cop so fucking pants smoke in here that they run into the kitchen and I think they were going to fuck right there in the kitchen except the phone ring oh yeah no there's no question that we were that we were a two-minute cut scene away from this turning into graphic pornography

guys guys guys that was not the subtext of this he wanted to marry her i just i wonder what would have happened if people had had shown up to their Christmas party and then the homeless people came we're like, hey you said No, no, no, no people showed up. I said I said it was contingent that nobody came Everyone was just late you can wait outside Whatever food we don't finish is all yours Jesus loves you you belong out here With your smudgy homeless faces That was that was like classic dickens like okay, how can we how can we differentiate these white people from these white people Make a chimney slide

these white people make a shimney small munchies charcoal stop drilling you've hit gold and me and i've got a bunch of the backstory is they're working with coal all the time uh... and so the phone call that that the cock blocking phone call in question is from the town that wants to let everybody know that Apparently they've just pulled Bob's Christmas tree down like it was the statue of a son of a saint Yes, exactly. I wrote in my note. This is not a safe way to take down a Christmas tree. No, it's not this hell fainst work

it take down a christmas tree. Nor is this hell fainst word. It gets pulled down amidst several explosions as far as I could tell from the cti. And also let's just assume for a second that you remove trees like that, clearly not, but the chain that you attach to a truck to then pull a tree down, it needs to be longer than the height of the tree, or else it kills the guy in the truck. Alright, now here's the deal, Steve. You're gonna have to drive real fucking fast, because this is gonna come down on top of you. I do not know how long the hot pot-news of this triangle is.

I did not pay attention in math. What I know is that if you don't go fast enough You will be crushed by a giant tree. I'm gonna beat 9.8 meters for This is the least realistic taking down of a tree I've ever seen They might as well have shot it down with a black hawk helicopter The hammer has his own helicopter Also the hammer puts out one of the angels like a cigarette. He just pushes his foot into it.

And if I know anything about lawyers, is they have a strong emotional connection to every case that they work. Yes. They really, really take it to heart. And so he's just going gonna grind this angel into the sidewalk I know it's take that you fucking angel. He kills it like Lord farquart trying to torture the gummy bear buttons off the fucking gingerbread man and Shrek

It's just a scene where he waterboards that angel Also, and then we learn that he got fired from being mayor yeah well he got swift boated there's a there's a the fucking headline in the newspaper says fraud mayor not a war hero yeah and I'm sorry but you don't stop being a war hero if like one thing you did like we're about to find out that one of his missions didn't work when he was back in Vietnam it's not like it's not like batting average like a hall of fame situation and then you get removed from the hall because they found out you were a fuck a Roddy could never hit it

when he needed it exactly also another weird thing about that part of the movie where it's like he's not a hero because his mission didn't go wrong the only person who survived the mission that went wrong is the janitor. So we must believe the janitor is the one who called the paper and was like, hey, just so you know, he fucked up one time. Well, this is a world where when you are in war, you are a war hero, and that means you can do everything. So if you are not a war hero, then that means you can do everything so if you are not a war hero

then that means you can't do anything. I see and that actually does that actually makes sense to be a logic of this film. Yeah. That's this is why John McCain's not a hero. Yeah, exactly. See now Ben Carson explained that if he had been captured by the Vietcong he would have told them to capture someone else and then they were just no you want that guy over there um so the uh like it's a bug's bunny cartoon yeah exactly yeah well I'm just a little old lady you must be a little bit more gentleman he would have been a very pretty vietcong soldier and they would have been like oh switched himself for a bomb

that no no no no no I work for Ho Chi Minh don't whatever you do don't look in that box over there so then he has this confession scene with his wife where he's trying to tell the story of the mission that went wrong and this couldn't this is like if they this I don't know anything about the military obviously so this is like I had written this scene because it was like we had to get to the extraction point and be extracted but then we hit a trip wire and there were

bombs explosions that was bad then also plans were there everyone died not me that was and that now we get the the money shot of the movie which is bob not knowing how police work raised tied a rope to the giant cross and he's pulling it up and it's not like a really big cross we could probably have just carried out the stairs and and lowered it down would have been easier. That's not nearly as dramatic though No, exactly so we get this very dramatic event pulling the fucking thing up with a rope and apparently by the way Ain't nothing going on in Mount Columbus because like five different news stations have sent affiliates to Bob yanking a fucking cross up the side of a mission

I'm picturing a lot of people that died in a fire while a bunch of fire trucks had to deal with this idiot mayor on the roof Yeah, right, right? I mean within within within the world of this There's there's so many things that could have gone wrong that like if you had dropped across That's the end of it. Oh shit, you know like that's that would have been like just within the world Just like oh, I was kind of a jerk. I'm sorry. I dropped the cross on one of the homeless people and The mom runs down to whispers in a rear Jesus loves you. It doesn't feel like it And this this is a point where you've got tons of extras here You've got every like the entire this not a skeleton crew that's working on this thing

There's literally hundreds of people here to listen to this speech that this guy's making and Even in context. I was like this guy's crazy John galt radio. Yes in his brain fart freedom speech There's just a couple moments. I want to touch on he says He says people are coming like a thief in the night for our freedom. Jesus comes like a thief in the night, not the bad guys. That's the good, the good guy in your book comes like the night movie game points. Then he says the enemy is taking inches.

Never talks about who that is. I assume it's the ACLU. Yes, we're the enemy. And then he's, his last line of his speeches we fight for freedom which is directly out of brave heart yes yes oh and then of course after he's done all of this they have to arrest him for phalonios cross raising and i'm thinking the whole time like the cops will get out there going like

bob you just needed a permit if you've got an apartment we could have done this in the day and it would have been like this big deal and i brought the fire department out. I have to arrest you now you dick. I don't have time for permits I gotta I gotta get the crane out here. I had to do all this stuff myself Yeah, no one plays higher some of these homeless people mother fucker Anyways, no so they throw or I'm sorry They're about to throw in the cop car But the grandson stops the cop and and and push the metal of honor on him

He's like if you weren't a hero before you pulled that cross up most of the way on that rope before we helped you So you're a hero now. Yeah, I wrote if you weren't a hero for war stuff. You're a hero for yelling on a roof Also, he stops a cop car. He like runs up and he's like hey, wait a second cop cars don't do that ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha newscaster but keep in mind this is a newscaster who is not a character in the movie she's not even the newscaster that's been like talking about stuff because there is a newscaster that's been talking about stuff repeatedly in the movie but it's not her it's she's she's the anchor that they cut back to after i don't know that this woman has that spoken line in the entire fucking movie oh at all no at all so like we we see the the thing the wrap up with the news. Oh well this the grandpa is a hero after all and he's 10 fuck the Grinch and blah blah blah and back

to you guys and we go back to the fucking newscasters the the the the anchors and the woman anchor just pulls her microphone off and she's like fuck all this shit I'm out of here. Yeah, I wrote fuck it. We'll do it live Right, which crazy is thing in the world that she's just Yeah, this is so not a character and it's not a twist There's nothing that's let us to think about this. So it's like if at the end of the six cents Bruce Willis turned out to be the lady at the bottom of the pool. It doesn't make any fucking sense. There's nothing that led us to that. It was really. This storyline was a good attempt, but poorly execute. I think you're being super generous. So now we're in, we've got Bob and Jail and Geriatric Aron Ra is there. Now keep in mind that this is a character that we've just sort ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha all-acoust radio yeah exactly exactly and and and well you did the right thing bob now you can listen to the play on my radio from

eighteen ninety six at which one i wrote my notes how does he have radio to the christmas play is the christmas play being played over the radio we learn we learn later that it was not not right right exactly. He's just magical. He has He will we know this we know this at the end that guy's magical I I could be wrong, but I think that was an attempt to like throw back the Vietnam that little That little radio unit. Oh, God. Yeah, that's when he is when his PS PTSD kicks in He sees little radios like that and everything turns back to 1960s technology That's why he's trying to keep himself so busy. He's got all these flashbacks. He's like if he's alone by himself in a jail cell, he'll you back at home. Hey man there's no one in your cell with you.

Well thank god my family's here. So now we cut over back over to Dianetics the musical or whatever where they're they're getting ready for this crazy play. Was that an attempt to uh spoof Scientology? Was that a attempt or no way? No, I know what it was. I see you're in this movie with smart acting to do that. But no, I think it was just supposed to represent you know how bad and shitty everything is when you take the Jesus out of it. Also, it's like because it's about space and like scientists all they care about is space, right? Yeah, you're right. I don't know what what would atheists make a Christmas thing about? I don't know something real like space Probably Pluto Pluto's really cool. I bet they'd want to talk about how real Pluto is

So now okay, so now Madison and whatever the friends name is they come on stage So they just stand there for a really long time and that the directors get nervous and the principals get nervous And then they just start stripping on stage Yeah, we know that they're like wearing like robes or whatever underneath so that they can be wise men or shepherds in the in the fucking Christmas pageant or whatever But all anyone else knows is that like clearly they're not doing what they're supposed to do the drama teachers freaking out the two girls taking their clothes off and i'm thinking again this could get way better if you want a different direction with it

but instead know that they do it but also no one in the audience of this children's play objects to the kids getting naked they're just like no no no let's see what they're doing and i'm right right here to be taking their clothes off but let's see what they're going to do with it. And then the play turns into Linus's monologue from Charlie Brown's Christmas special. Oh, I'm sorry. First, they fucking falsely imprisoned the drama teacher. They kidnapped the motherfucker. This is a felony. Yeah, they kidnapped him with help from the janitor

Christian mouths to the janitor as though this movie were not racist enough you the man Because he's black because he's the only black character that isn't the evil bad guy. Thanks, my and word Black Panther fist. So all right. So now if you're if you're just a shot of Christian and the janitor's family Olympic podium, just face facing away with that poor Australian guy. Yeah. All right. What the folks are going to do. So now just in case you were thinking to yourself, wow, you know, staging a fucking cool and committing felony So that you can turn a secular public school play into a proselytization for your religion. That's offensive They haven't even gotten warmed up. Yeah, goose bumps all up in my back I was so ashamed sitting alone in my apartment watching this my my skin

My my my the hair of my arms is standing on end and I'm like this is ridiculous This is so inappropriate I have a lot of respect for theater and they are just trampling all over it and my body loves it I am just trampling all over it and my body loves it. And I think that goes to the composer again. I think he did a great job with the music. It must have been this cork, as it sure wasn't the script. Holy shit.

So now they're doing their little Christmas play in Christian who didn't want to be a part of this and now he does or whatever. Steps on in the middle of this other girl's lines and starts like parroting her lines, which is, strikes me as an incredibly dick move, but it only seems like a dick move because I couldn't yet compare it to what he was about to do next.

Right. So he lowers the screen, right? And plugs in, do you remember that tape from the beginning of the movie? Oh, I think you do. I think you do. I think you do. Because he's about to play it for an entire theater of

Families children and adults the children and adults that's important So it's a video of his dad and his dad's like oh Carrie I miss you and I wanted so badly for it to turn into dirty Talk for him to be like oh I want your tongue in my ass Gonna ride you like a little bitch you are I'm gonna shit right onto your chest and you're gonna eat every drop when I get home In What he actually show That's appropriate the

occlevel in the video exactly the the actual video he played was even more inappropriate inappropriate because this is a video of his dad dying in war well very literally this is his dad in a combat zone in war so that's the first problem is that they're in a combat zone like apparently under attack and he his dad is chosen this moment to set up a camera

And do a little fucking Skype call As though no one would have turned to him and been like hey man now's not the time to fucking do that Put that away. They're shooting at us. Well, once I can, I just want to say hi to my wife. No. But when it ended, they got the respect of the lone soldier in the teams with a broken arm. Yeah, he was even featured 55. What was that all about? That guy's backstory is so interesting to me. Wait, so just to explain the, so he's giving the message and he's like freedom is worth the, the people would be killed for celebrating Christmas here. Yes, a quit your bitch and Bob.

And then he gets, his unit gets hit by a rocket and he dies on camera. Now that the camera is fine the camera is Camera's oh yeah, and so is he oh yeah, do you see the size of that camera? Of course it's rock it right And Little DCR and the guy he dies with his face literally in the frame still yeah, I was fortunate I would have been great though if dad said like like goodbye to his secret gay lover before he dies on camera I was waiting for something something fun. Tell me two tongues. I always love you

So carry put your panties in your mouth That's his last word What's your panties in your mouth? Put your shit down your throat. Wait, I think I, I think I missed the side story of Barry Tutong. He's got two tongues and he can whisper in both your ears at the same time. Super popular dude. Give you peace and wartime. So just a quick recap.

Imagine that you're a member of this audience. You've gone to see your kid in a Christmas place So already you weren't expecting to have a good time So you get a weird Scientology ritual a couple of girls halfway stripping a Christmas story a snuff film and now instead of Instead of a slow clap We get a slow salute. Yes, that's what's happening the audience is now saluting them

I really wanted that soldier to be like stand up slowly stand up and go What did you just show up? Here high school theater To watch a play in my fatigue with my arms sling like I do I was here to see my niece dancing the space play You showed me images of a war that I was just wounded in a week's ago. I am leaving. I would like my $6.00 suggestion donation back.

I'm going to return the half of Snickers that I ate. So, pissed I am now. They show the two black extras in the audience. They agree with the death video. They think it was a little harsh, but still appropriate. They're nodding along. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good. White Lives Matter too.

He's right. That's fair. They do. I had a little bit of an issue with some of the extras acting. That's it was. I'll teach you. Like, if we had heard what they were saying, because I could read their lips, it was,

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! There's like, every time you cut to a black extra, they were going,

Yeah! Yeah! All right! Every time you cut to a black extra they were going Yeah All right, I'm one of five black people in this town and I think I'm gonna move Let me just keep nodding and do I give my you all back then and i get my you all back to them at some point during the play the uh... the statute of limitations on ill illegal cross-mountain expired so now it comes back to the church or to the jail rather where they're letting bob go yet they're letting him go and everyone is there to cheer him on like

gay you trespassed uh... exactly he has to be uh... the uh... make... makeup scene where he he he apologize is and he says i'm sorry i blamed you for the iraq war ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Chris I listened to him on my magic radio here every so it wasn't broadcast on radio and he's like well then Geriatric R&R was Jesus right or something Final the final thing where he's he's in the back Yeah, and then and then he starts glimmering. Yeah, he's like a vampire Yeah, he exactly like a a Twilight vampire in the daytime.

Ah, I'm under a street lamp. I walked under a street lamp. There, it's where'd you go? You appear on the other side. Can't anybody else see me? I'm on fire here! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And then as he's coming out the daughter the estranged daughter who turns out to be that newscaster by the way That's what that was all about. She's the lesbian daughter that they ran off didn't see that coming What exciting see that coming because the movie gave no indication it would happen

Oh, yeah, I Mind right here mind blown And also this is where the grandson shows up too So apparently they all just meet at the jail every Friday I know guys if we ever they'll just meet at the jail every friday i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i for Bob when he gets out which would have been a real bitch if they didn't let him out until the morning you know those people have been freezing and they sing the real Jesus-y ones this time. Yeah exactly. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no voice. And then, so then the hammer comes one last time and he's like, and the cops like, first of all, he does not suggest that he's going to tell,

he's going to try and arrest everyone for singing Christmas songs. A thing that is so not a thing that I can't believe it, even made it into the movie. But basically the cops like, you're gonna arrest everybody for singing Christmas songs. But basically the cops like you're gonna arrest everybody for Christmas song I thought you were against prison over crowding Like you get it you get it Hold on I just gonna arrest this Jew with the show for first

By the way that sort of mob mentality is how Jim crow laws work right you know that was brought up but that's exactly how they cut it but everyone ended up hanging more in hammer shman it was a big the whole other movie about they all murdered war and hammer shman uh... dude we need to make a prequel and a signal he gets curb stumped yeah and then of course it tells you to go to

stand u s a dot com not a website at a four or four or there is a there is a facebook group always there yet over the high tech stuff uh... yes so uh... facebook dot com backslash stand USA. The last post was just after Mitt Romney lost the election.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce. Yeah, and it's something like we need to keep this going. This is a great message. And then nothing for three years. And then nothing. And then their wicks account expired and they were like, fuck it. Let's use that money for our Trump 2016. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Save up. So my guys, you may or may not know, we're dead set against so many stars type rating systems on this show. So when Louis that to close this off, I want to ask you and this might be the wrong question. I prepared this question before I

realized how much you enjoyed this film. But what is the meanest thing that you would do to a complete stranger rather than watch this movie again? Oh, the meanest thing. I mean, oh, man, I'm pretty nice. Yeah, probably whisper something as the character Gary two tongues into one ear while giving them a wet willy with the up. And this this this movie got 1.5 stars on Netflix. I think that's wrong. It deserves to. I was going to say now keep in mind there is no zero stars. So one is the lowest it can be. It got half a star. I understand that. It got.

Okay. It deserves more than it's got a Netflix. There are some, there are some glaring holes in the entire project. But there are some redeemable qualities. A lot of the acting is good. A lot of the center photography is good. The soundtrack is fine. Two stars out of five. I would agree with at least two of the things that you said. They're also the mom was super hot. All right, he same question. Meaness thing you do to a stranger rather than watch this movie again. All right. I guess if a stranger like walked up to me on the street,

to ask me for the time, I'd kick his baby. Yeah, like if it didn't mean I have to watch for the time. I'd kick his baby. Yeah, like, if it didn't mean I have to watch the movie again, I'd kick his baby. I don't mean to hurt the child, but like a punter and a fair cat. Yeah, he's trying. I'd kick his baby lightly. So guys, you guys voluntarily watch a crappy movie every week,

and then you answer this question? We get paid to do it. I didn't bring to watch a crappy movie every week. And then you answer this question? We get paid to do it. I didn't bring that up before because I was afraid you'd want to cut, but we get paid for this. Yeah. Fine, fine, fine. I look forward to my residuals. Six to nine months.

Yeah, exactly. We don't get paid much already, anything. You got that Heineken money, Michael. You back down And Eli me just think you're doing a stranger. I see I've done a lot of really mean stuff to strangers for fun So I feel like this is a bad metaphor when it comes to me I would dress up I would you know I would dress up like a soldier and just randomly knock on doors and watch widows and like We think on the other side of the door and then I

then when they opened it I said like can I use your bathroom I have to take a shit so bad oh you thought you're huddling I mean I don't know I don't know he could be he could be I'm not here to tell you instead the wall take a shit in your bathroom once you think about the fact that I could be. You guys have the reason people hate atheists. You have no idea. Well, my congratulations, you made it to the end, you deserve a cookie. So have yourself a cookie, but before we let you go, tell us if our audience wanted to

fill their ear holes and possibly eye holes with more of your your wit and hilarity where might they go to find it uh... my website is mike assured md.com and uh... have a new album which features uh... god satan and lewyer strong uh... all of them satchmah it's a sketch comedy album called john rogers idiot and you can uh... preview it uh... dan and mika dot com awesome and of course we'll have that all linked on the show notes for this John Rogers Idiot and you can preview it at Dan and Micah.com.

Awesome, and of course we'll have that all linked on the show notes for this episode. All right, well thanks a lot for suffering alongside us, man. It really was my pleasure. And well that's going to do it for our review of Last Dance Accursed. That's not going to do it for the episode quite yet because we still need to get you all stiff and pulsing over next week's episode. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well since next week is Halloween, we had to do a Halloween film and there's no Christian

Halloween film quite like the lock-in. Oh my fucking god. Just so people know what they're in for, believe me, I mean set your goddamn timers for whenever this episode comes out because just so they know what this is in for this is a movie that is a Christian horror film that is based on the premise that two kids bring a porno magazine to a church lock-in and the Porno magazine And lock releases demons which attack the children in the church lock-in All right, so if you're one of those people that likes to watch the movies along with us,

all I can say is good luck. I apologize because this movie is so horrible that apparently the internet spit it back out. Yeah. Like honestly, we saw the preview. I want to thank Brendan and Tate for recommending it, but I have to give a huge thanks to Nathan because we couldn't find the damn thing anywhere. And apparently he pestered the filmmaker long enough to send us copy some deep Googling

exactly banging he went all the way like hosting wherever Nathan's on the deep web right with all of Jared's pictures and he was like look to the luck and this for you guys there you go I don't think you had Jared's pictures Nathan I think you're awesome um I know I the think that's ten years old nathan i know what you do that your monster your monster but a very useful monster this week as holy shit so but apparently they're trying to be the christian blarewitch project and

justice apparently they're not trying very hard yet exactly if you ever thought to yourself man the tech in blarew Witch project was way too good Then the lock-in it's for you. This is basically the the jump scare in the preview the jump scare in this preview Is like you got one of those monster maker apps one of those like oh this is a concentration tap watch this Japanese girl talk about something and then I like makes the scary Yes, why are you that's basically what someone applied to this movie and was like this could be great man it's gonna be really awesome I think that's exactly what someone applied to

this movie yeah so with all that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode nine to a merciful close once again a huge thanks to Micah Sherman for joining us tonight and an enormous thanks to all the patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes or by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms or fuck it just do both. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godawfulmovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and used with his permission. If you like what you hear here and more by following the link on the show notes to this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For a Heathen right knee-line Bosnick, I'm Noel Luzon's promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you. to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself.

Fuck you.