God Awful Movies - 90: GAM090 End of Days

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of End of Days, the story of a nuclear security guard fighting Satan with a grenade launcher. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And she was like, I've seen him before. He was in usual suspects. I was sure he was Kaiser Sozen the whole time. I... Yeah. She's like, yeah, I've had sex dreams about him my whole life and he's like, oh, awkward. Starting at what age? Sex dreams about him. I feel like there's like one or two viewers who are way more interested. Not awful movie movies. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be immediate left is my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what I find sexually stimulating? What do you find sexually stimulating, sir?

Well, no, I'm really asking like how well do you guys know me? I'm curious. Bacon. Oh, wow, you know me quite well. All right. Well, I learned a new answer to that question this week and it's movies with Kevin Pollock and Arnold Schwarzenegger. So cool.

I'll write that. Obviously. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? 10 episodes left, guys. Spin a long road. Oh God. And memories.

You know what he like? Don't tempt me today, man. Just don't tempt me. It's been a rough week. So tell us, Keith, what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched End of Days. It's that classic story about a drunk atheist trying to stop an evil demon from committing sexual assault and causing the end of the world.

So kind of like election day for me last year. A lot of fun. And he lied. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love anti-Christ action comedies, but you hate the lack of boobs, you will love this movie. I feel like this movie needed more boobs. I feel like it was, it was a couple of boobs shy of a good film, but it is a bit of a weird selection for us because I mean, yeah, technically it's a Christian movie, but there's boobs and explosions and shit. Yeah, but as we will learn throughout this review, there are a lot of them. It hits on the bingo card. I mean, this firmly falls into Christian movie category. If this

had had less boobs and David R. White, this would be canon. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. Exactly. I had a little checklist beside me as I went through this movie like a check for, oh, no, this is an Arnie movie. Nope. This is a Christian. No, Arnie movie. Oh, Arnie movies ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did Christian movie? Yeah. Christian movie ultimately did take it at the very, very end. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, it. So, and now I want to point out that this is not exactly the high point of Arnold's career. So I want to give you there's a the four movies leading up to this one, have to represent one of the worst like chunks of a filmography of all time. Okay. So in order in chronological order, the five of the four movies leading

up to this junior, the movie so bad that how did this get made used it as their cover art followed by eraser, jingle all the way and legitimate content for worst movie of all time, Batman and Robin. And then this and then this. Wow. Holy you can see why he went into politics at this point. No, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna say best worst choice of two people to have a fight. And and if you're thinking does Arnold Schwarzenegger fight Kathy Bates in this movie? The answer is basically yes, that's what it Kathy Bates in this movie. The answer is basically yes. That's what it looks like happens in this movie.

Well, I also feel like it takes second and third in that category as well, but we'll get to it. Elegant any best words? Uh, yeah. Can I go with best worst inconsistent devil healing? Uh, spoiler alert, the devil has about the same healing factor as Wolverine in this movie, but it is very inconsistent. Sometimes.

Yeah, very inconsistent. Yeah, I was going to go with best worst shooting New York as though it were the slums of aro trayet. Okay. Like throughout this whole fucking movie, it all takes place in Manhattan. And yet like every time you turn around, there in some slummy ass third world bar with some fucking alleyway leading out to it with like fucking some vulture worshipers next to it. It's it's really bizarre.

All right. Well, obviously we're just doing this one so Eli can do his Arnold voice. And we're not going to make you wait for that too much longer. We're going to pause for a quick break, but we'll be back. Huh. longer, we're going to pause for a quick break, but we'll be back. Huh. Thanks.

Hi, welcome to generic drugstore. How can I help you? Yeah, I've been wandering around for like 30 minutes looking for someone. Are you the only person who works here? No, there are like 38 employees, but most of them just unload boxes of formula constantly, like some kind of weird afterlife punishment. Okay. I mean, that seems like a really easily fixable, poor use of workforce. Couldn't you guys just like some of you help?

Yeah, you'd think, right? So how can I help you? Would you like me to slowly pass your items over a laser in a way that we're all now aware can be done without me? No, no, not yet. Anyway, I'm actually looking for some razors. Oh, so you signed up for Dollar Shave Club. Not this again. Okay, what's Dollar Shave Club? It's the smarter choice. Get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. For a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their doctor, carver, shave butter for only $5 with free shipping. After that, raises are just a few bucks a month. That's a $15 value for only five bucks.

Okay. How much are razors here? Oh, okay. Oh, we have two options. Okay. I got a nameless bag of 84 razors that don't work. Well, why would you sell those? How is that one of the? What? That's a good question. Or you could buy the speed fusion hyper drive Omega with 983 blades. None of which point at your face for the low, low price of a college education. Okay. What kind of razors does dollar shave club have? Oh, that's a good question. In your first month box, you get an awesome weighty handle, a focus set of four cartridges, and a tuba of their shave butter. Wait, they include shave butter?

Yeah. Do you guys do that? No, but we'll sell you the white foam stuff that hasn't changed since 1940 Okay, but what about after the first month then what happens? For dollar shave club after your first month replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price no hidden fees no commitments cancel anytime you like and here You could come back and No commitments. Can't tell anytime you like. And here? You could come back and you and I would wander around for 58 minutes looking for someone who has a key to the weirdly locked cabinet of replacement cartridges. Yeah, I see. I think I'm going to go with

Dollar Shave Club. Yeah, sounds like a good choice. But you can only get this offer exclusively at DollarShaveClub.com slash Godawful. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash Godawful. Thanks. I'm three months away from losing my job to a robot. Sure are. Aren't we all? Hey kids, do you love Thai food?

Do you love Thai food? The The You love breakfast? The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The What the hell is this? What does this have to do with the movie? Eli, you don't get to write interstitials anymore. I'm sorry. I don't know. I liked it. Well, you would use food for breakfast. Two votes. Good afternoon, Mr. Schwarzenegger. Really happy to have you on board for this film. Abidu Bia. Yeah. No, you were our third choice. All right, so what we're going for here is like an actiony version of the exorcist,

but with some of that classic pithy Arnold wit. Sounds great. Now, we've lined up a bunch of really tough stun actors for you to fight at it. Oh, I'm not as young as I used to be. And I just had hot surgery. Can we maybe downgrade the stunt performers a little bit? What do you mean? Um, I'm just not really up to fighting people my own size anymore.

Well, okay, what did you have in mind? Uh, an old fat lady, maybe? Yes, I don't feel like that would be appropriate in this. Sorry, dinner up. I'm not talking about a chubby lady. I'm looking for like perfectly round, like a swir. I mean I I guess we could do that and like a frail old priest Um, maybe and a seven-year-old we've cancer Okay, I'm gonna have to put my foot down on that one. Oh, no, no, no, that last one wasn't for the movie

What what are you talking about Arnold? They have a vibe. Do you have a Bade service here? And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start this movie off reflecting on the fact that religious iconography is the same as horror movie iconography. I kind of tells us something, then it. Yeah, but the amazing thing about the opening credits of this movie is it is just the entirely normal, holy objects of this religion, plus some slightly scary music, which wouldn't work for like reason, con. You couldn't have footage of reason, con and like, yeah, it's a horror movie. I mean, maybe not reason, Conn.

But like, yeah, right, but a normal, like, yeah, no, we could, I'm sure we could scare Christians with photos from a reason, Conn, somewhere in the north. Yeah. So, okay, so we get this weird opening thing with a bunch of religious nonsense and weird random links. Did anybody else notice that the Hebrew was upside down when they showed it? They couldn't find a Jew. The ass case,

this the right way up. There was a fetus in there somewhere, but the most disturbing thing I thought about these credits were the fact that Gabriel burns in this movie. Oh, and Kevin Pollock, those are real, are we sure about this? Are we going to do this? There's a lot of stuff just in the credits that says this movie is way too good for this podcast. The music, the actor is it's, I don't know. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Well, the other, other actors, yeah. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about it. Also, are those, there's an image in there that I don't quite got.

It's like like sales eggs from the quarter o'clock because that will fall in and it'll break in a little wrinkle pop out. You met the grapes, the shattering grapes from a necklace post. I thought those were rosary beads. Yeah, but they explode when they contact the ground. Is that a common rosary bead function? Yes. Oh, yes. You remember those

little snappers you had as a kid, those white ones. They came in a pack with a wolf on the package. Rosary beads. Not a lot of people. All right. Catholicism is way cooler than I thought. What's, did you say quarter? Clucker. You know, the way you put it in the quarter and it goes, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. And then it drops out of the thing and you open the egg and they're surprising it. I'm old. The last thing is that I'm old. Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, one of the high tribunal and it took the fucking 19 hour weight with these assholes. Moving on. All right.

So we got a, we got a Vatican city in a year when only I was there. I also, I love it opens up. It says Vatican City, comma, Rome. I'm like Vatican city. So not really a country that has the name of the city it's in after the comma. Also fun little Latin fact here, the scroll the guy is reading says end of days. And I was like, is that is that the ancient Latin script for the movies? Well, also he keeps his, his secret scrolls in a stainless steel thermos or two in TGI Fridays collector shaker tins.

That's like an ultimate margarita. No, but this scroll is going to read scrolls on these things like as fast as he can because it's like an emergency. Yeah, I feel just put those in a word document. This is 1999. Like you could fire through that. Can that shit. Yeah.

And then he runs into the room with the Pope in the least appropriate way possible to run into the room with the Pope to tell him about Satan. And so there was like a scotch thing on the way. And he's like, oh, fuck, I gotta go one foot, one foot, two foot, one foot. Okay. The crab walk and the circantine. What's happening? He merrily skips into the world. Just like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Anyway, Satan is going to impregnate a lady. Yeah. So I can't have fun at work. And that's when we learn, okay, so there's a smudge over the moon. And that means that this on this day, the child will be born that will eventually also bear a child that will be the anti Christ. Anyway, so the Pope sit in there and he's got a couple of English speaking Catholics with him too, who suggest that they find the baby and murder it. This is so good. She's supposed to give birth to the anti Christ, right?

Well, this person is going to give birth to the person who's going to give birth to the anti Christ. Yeah. Oh, fantasies. Satanism is amazing. Even Cardinals are pro choice when it comes to Satan stuff. I love it. They really, they're like, yeah, we're gonna kill the baby, right? And of course the Pope's like, but murder a baby

before we even fucked it. Come on. Yeah. I wrote, he was like, I wrote my notes, hey guys, we don't kill people. And I'm like, hey man, you are not familiar with the work of other Pope's. Right.

That is a very, very new opinion among folks. And then we're off to New York City where the evil devil baby is being born. It's fented. The baby is enormous, right? Is the baby way too big when they, they lifted out and it's 95 years old. Smoking a cigar. I'm a baby because I'm slimy. Yeah, it's covered in oatmeal or something. It didn't, didn't look good. And this is when a nurse is like, all right, hospital rules, I get your baby right now. You're like very clearly going to steal this, this baby. The mom's like, I don't steal my baby. And I'm going to count to three, one, two, fine, stop.

Scale my baby. All right. So yeah, so this chubby little nurse grabs the baby and she goes to the elevator. And I love this to the, because they pan over to the elevator light, like that down elevator light button. As though they're like, oh, she's taking that baby to hell, which is exactly what they're going for oh, she's taking that baby to hell, which is exactly what they're going for. So she gets to the basement morgue where they have some professional baby sacrifices waiting. Yeah, right. Well, baby Satan, I says. Yeah, right. I thought that these were the people with a vacuum that were going to kill the baby, but no, these are the Satanists that are

preparing her to bear the devil's child by slitting a rattlesnake open and giving her some of its blood. Oh, it's this movie is fantastic. I love it. You guys have erections. You do. You like, what's the name for this fetish? Do they have like a website or like a I searched everywhere and people just kept calling

police when I posted on message board. So I don't know what to tell you. Also, I love that they like before they kill the snake and give the baby the blood, they check to make sure that the baby has a sweet tribal tattoo. They're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, did this baby go to Coachella? Yeah, this baby went to Coachella. Kill the snake and feed it some blood. Yeah. Yeah. And when she brings the baby, bet she's like, here's the baby. And I wanted to be like, you didn't feed her snake blood, right? Because that's a pre-existing condition. I will not deal with that shit. I will ash box this motherfucker right now. We're not going to get Obamacare for years,

guys. This is 1999. Well, 79 at this point. And then we skipped to 20 years later, a couple of days before Y2K wiped us out. Remember that? You'll stop existing. Oh, God. I remember Y2K. I was studying for my bar mitzvah and my mom, like three minutes before the timer went down, decided she wanted to fill the tub with water. That was her room. She's like three minutes before midnight. She was like, David filled the tub with water. That was her. She's like three minutes before midnight. She was like, David filled the tub with water. And my dad looked to me like, don't do a thing. And so we just filled the tub with water. And then the year 2000 came and we were all fine. And she was like, you can train the tub now.

All right. So why did people think like the world was going to explode? Why do you like? Why would anyone program a nuclear weapon to fire on January 1st 1900? Why would that be written into any code anywhere? To fight the past that it obviously come to the future to take our gold and resources. I feel like it. In 1999, as I recall, we were all just kind of hoping it was going to end. We were pretty much ready to check out at that point. So I don't think we needed logical reasons. So now, okay, so we got the radio station plan. And the guy says, it's just three days until New Year's Eve and Times Square. Where will you be? And I'm like, you're talking to New Yorkers, bro. So not time fucking square anywhere but that

except for the one year you try it. And then you hate it. And you're like, oh, God, why did I do that? You were like, Hey, have you ever done it? And you're like, Yeah, I did it once. It's the worst. It's the worst. I peed myself. You peed yourself. Yeah, you want to walk through a 19 minute crowd? No. Well, you know, I got to say you pee yourself. So I got to say some of us can figure out that I would not be happy shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of strangers for several hours in a crowd that I can't get out of in January and New York City. Yes, patriarchal, patriarchal, please, please, because that is something if we raised enough

money, no, it would commit himself to doing it. And it would be known as the New Year's Eve massacre. Come on. Well, I could end New Year's Eve in Times Square. I could put that to an end all together. Just sitting there by himself, but your streamers on the ground. I have a temper. So now we cut to a couple of con ad workers that notice something's weird. It's almost like there's a portal, the hell down there or something. And then there's an earthquake and explosion because it's an Arnold movie. It really is an Arnold movie.

So it sure is, which releases the devil from hell Cause he's under the subway. Why? Yeah. Why was the devil in the sewer just like flying from the side? Why would you go through there? I don't understand. Have you ridden the New York subway? Like this was the most realistic thing about the movie. Like if we, if the news came on today and was like, Hey, devil's down there.

I'd be like, sure. That explains smelly half empty cars. I get it. When he rose out of the sewer, I wrote in my notes, see, this is what happens. You buy your kid a baby Satan and then you flush it down the toilet when it's not. I also love to that. This just so happened that happens to happen on one of those streets in Manhattan that only has two people on it at any any point, give me a fucking break. So yeah, so cheesy demon, and it's basically it's the predator graphics, right?

That flies out. That sort of, it sure is. It sure is. Yeah, back when the shit we saw in divination was cutting edge graphics. So the devil first goes sightseeing around Midtown. I wanted him to do a fashion montage. So badly and just like the devil goes into a store with his arms full of bags.

Big, big, huge. Huge. Uh-uh. So now we meet Gabriel Byrne, and he's meeting a couple for dinner. And basically he comes into the restaurant, sits down, says, hey, I gotta sit here for a second or they won't let me use their bathrooms. So you guys act like you're with me. And then he goes into the restaurant, sits down, says, Hey, I got to sit here for a second or they won't let me use their bathrooms.

So you guys act like you're with me. And then he goes to the bathroom. And of course, predator demon follows a minute. I'm like, this is why they need those laws in North Carolina, y'all, because this, clearly this demon is going to sexually assault them and does. And I'm thinking, okay, movie. Let's see where you go with this. Demon following Gabriel burn into a bathroom.

You crushing it so far. There he goes. Well, the demon beats the shit out of Gabriel burn and takes his body. Seems like an odd choice of right before you take someone's body. Why beat him up and just possess him right away? That's your body now. Yeah. One of the demon to like fly back out just coughing and wheezing like fuck, fuck, that

was through. I should have watched the whole training video. You don't choke the guy before. Oh, shit man. I just thought that one on fucking wet floor sides was so stupid. I didn't know that. She doesn't figure out to watch all of them. So yeah. So the demon fucks this way into capriol burn. And so he comes out of the bathroom all deviled up and immediately he walks up to the step mom and all the porno's and grabs her by the tit and starts making out with her. Yeah. And the guy at the table who I assume is her husband is like, hey, but then like he glairs

in him and he's like, all right, fine, if you're going to be all glary, don't be glary. No, nobody's been rude yet. Except for you. Yeah, he gets totally Jason born. He might as well go like standing in the corner and masturbate. Yeah. That's what I did. Um, so when Gabriel burn came and grabbed my wife's head, I mean, not in the movie and not yet in the movie. I'm sorry. I'm, I'm confusing everything. Let's just move on. So Gabriel burn makes out with his chick and then walks out of the restaurant and he's like three inches out. And the whole restaurant just explodes. Yes. And that is the first, but not the last time I wrote, I love this movie. This movie is not a good movie, but it's not not fun to watch. Every

month, you're just the movie knows it's like, hey, it's 19 whatever, you're probably pretty high right now. I also love to, and this is the most realistic moment in the whole movie to me, this whole restaurant just explodes. There's a couple of cabs driving on the road. They just sort of weave out of the way of the explosion and keep going. Yeah, okay, no, but that's, but that's real though. That's real. There will be several very realistic moments in this movie where like something demonic happens

in front of New Yorkers and they're like, I don't have time. I just want to say, not that I'm careless. I just want to be on a hurry. Yeah. Just drop me off. I'm going to take a city bike. I don't fucking care. It's a fireball man. Relax. Shit. So now it's time to check on Arnie. First we get the radio talking about like the whole the world is ending because of why 2k or whatever. And then we moved to Arnold's

apartment, which is all guns and cigar butts. And I thought I bet they just filmed this in his actual apartment. You know, he's in the in the movies about to shoot himself. I'm like, I bet that's what he was doing when they brought in the camera. He's like, why did I do that man in the Robin? Why I read the script. I knew I was going to say it's going to be a freeze. But luckily for Arnie, Todd Hockney is shows up. So Todd Hockney gave her a beret. It's like, it's like a fucking, it's like a reunion movie. Literally all I call him throughout this movie is the usual suspects guy. Well, you can't because Gabriel Burns was also in that. So I had to call him Todd Hockney. And also I don't think they ever named the fucking character.

Do I? I believe it's Bobby Chicago. Pretty sure it's something. Yep, pretty sure that Bobby Chicago. That's almost as dumb as the name they gave Arnie's care. It's Kevin Pollock. He will be Kevin Pollock. I'll call him Todd Hock. You will always be Todd Hock. Me to me. So, so he comes in right before Arnold can shoot himself and he's like, Oh, God, damn it. I guess I have to go to work now. So we get that, you know, that hilarious bit that they used to do in Scooby-Doo when you'd go, nobody would eat that. Well, luckily, that bit is still super fresh in 1999. Jesus, it's like 20 minutes long. He makes a pepto coffee,

beer, Chinese food, old pizza smoothie, or what we call the heath. But they play the comedy again, that's a three beat. It's like Pepto coffee beer Chinese food. Old pizza. Whatever. These are all good things. You guys don't like those things. You throw in like another shake for lunch in a sensible dinner. That's a good diet. Whatever. So yeah. So now, I guess what we're supposed to learn other than the fact that already a suicidal in this scene is that their private security guards protecting a rich Wall Street guy. So it's they're off to do that. And apparently the security team

that they work for fucking rivals, norat. They've got a helicopter. They've got a bunch of limos. And not only this, when they're done protecting you, they'll investigate it if anyone ever tries to attack you. Apparently cops. Well, they also have this like 73 man fucking like we're sending someone to the moon control center or whatever. So yeah, so they're bringing the the big Wall Street guy who was Gabriel Burr's by the way to work. And you know Arnold has to yell security words into a radio because that's in his writers. So he says to the guy in the helicopter has followed about me. He's like, the helicopter says rooftops are cleared already says, keep them clear. I wanted the helicopter guy to come back and go

Yeah, you know anybody comes up. I'll just decapitate him with my rotor blade. What the fuck are you talking? No, I'll shoot him dead If anybody walks out on the fucking fire escape. I'll just shoot him just in case Jesus. Oh man. Is there a helicopter out there? Blam Honestly, I don't feel it fault for this. I feel like the curiosity had a helicopter Honestly, I don't feel it fault for this. I feel like the curiosity at a helicopter is close to my window. We're keeping it clear up here. Tell your friends, don't,

so I shot you in the shoulder. Yes. So, yeah, so, but of course, that the roofs aren't clear because a sniper, I'm sorry, a shoota shows up. But it's high proud, I don't get that. They have ours in German, don't they? His name isn't going. Right? His name wasn't Hitler. Anyway. So yeah. So they wish it was.

Someone making fun of him on the school year. Oh, look, it's Hitler. Stop it, guys. it's Hitler, Hitler with an A. We have us called forward. So they, so they fired the sniper fires at Gabriel Burz, but aren't he jumps in the way? It takes two shots in the chest. Don't worry though. High powered sniper rifles, no match for his Kevlar vast. I'm sure. Yep. And then Arnold like asks, he wants to follow the shooter, which means he's going to need to take the helicopter up. Right? The helicopter is going to have to descend in the middle of Manhattan and then pick him up.

And I could climb the building King Kong style faster than they do this, but they go after the shoot. And that's pretty fucking impressive for a helicopter to lower itself on a New York City street without hitting anything just above a car so Arnie can climb up it because 30 seconds from now, it will not be able to lower itself near a roof. Right, right. Exactly. So instead, we get the 40 foot zip line of doom or whatever Arnold, like drops out of

the fucking thing, like the bait on a fishing line. And they have to like the helicopter should go along the roof so he can grab the guy. But yeah, he doesn't like like a crane machine. Yeah, he doesn't like a repel down and just, you know, land on the roof and go run after this old man and tacky. He's like, yeah, I mean, I could just like easily grab him like that. But should we maybe just drag me on the rope with the helicopter thing? And that would be better. He's like, yeah, a helicopter because we brought the helicopter. I feel like

we'd be wasting our helicopter. So they do exactly that. But the guy, the sniper, you know, he's going to run towards the room and he's just going to jump off to his own death. But luckily or unlikely, whatever, Arnie catches him by the scruff of the collar just as he jumps off the roof. And you know how your shirt connects to all the parts of your body so that when someone grabs your shirt, it holds you up. Yes. It's like that.

It's just like that. It's like reflexology, but with a shirt. Yeah, exactly. So, it's a great analogy. So, but the but the shooter escapes in a way that I honestly cannot describe in words. Sorry. Well, there was that newspaper. He falls all the way to the ground like 30 stories, but there was a newspaper. I don't know if you saw, there was an entire like a thick newspaper right there on the ground, right? Like a Sunday edition. I got you. Okay. All right. Well, that's what he is.

Vin Diesel levels of fine immediately. He's just like, you see, I went through an awning, man. That was like, that must have totally, I'm fine. But the shooter escapes into one of those, you know how New York has all those shutdown subway systems that you can just push open a gate and be inside of. He goes into one of those. Why does everybody think New York has like a labyrinth of those with like a minotaur and you could just go there whenever you want.

That's not a thing. Nope. So Arnold chases him down into the subway tunnel. The guy yells some evil religion words says the thousand years have ended and then Arnold is like, fuck this and shoot some dead and he finds out that it was a priest, right? He starts looking through the guy's got a white collar on. Well not dead. He shoots him in the knee.

Oh, does he? I thought the guy was killed. Oh, no, no, you're right. Yeah, yeah. No, he's alive in the hospital later. You're right. So he shoots him and then we get this, the first of many, like the cops now showing up to the crime scene scenes and being totally fine with this private citizen being like,

I'm the police walk and then being like, oh, yeah, man, you shot a gun at another person in the middle of New York City. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, that's fine. No, we're good with that. Apparently, they want to swap evidence. So, and this is also where we're going to meet Marge, the, the lady investigator cop that will be pivotal to the film sort of as much as anything's pivotal to this film. And black female lead detective, that's progressive. I mean, this is like the NYPD in 1990. Now, I mean, she did get stopped and frisked on her way in by the other cops. She's like, no, I'm your boss.

And they're like, yeah, but we're still checking. Yeah, just to be safe, please turn around. Put your hands above your head, just a second. So and, okay, so she, and she comes up to Arnold and she's like, wait a minute, your statement doesn't make any sense. You said this guy said some religious words in the thousand years Vendon, but he doesn't have a tongue. And Arnold is really upset apparently that the police are investigating a private citizen murdering a homeless priest in a dark subway station.

Yeah, his reaction to this is to fight the black lady cop. He's like, oh, we'll fucking kill you. And Kevin Pollock's like, no, no, no, no, no, you're going to fight a series of ridiculous things. But a woman, a woman's a little later in the movie. Yeah, not this lady, a much older and in worse shape lady. You had a heart attack. We need to, we need to dumb it down for you. Also, are there any one syllable words in Arnie's vocabulary? You know, like he's, like he's going, he says the word now and it has three syllables in it. It's amazing. No. So, but of course, luckily, he has the cardboard square that says clue on it. So they follow the match book to the bar. Yeah, which is a good idea.

I mean, you cannot solve a crime in New York City without a bartender with crazy amounts of details that I've seen law and order. That's how you decide everything. You're right. Every crime. Just keep wiping a smudgy glass with an even smudge your reg. Oh, yeah. Okay. Lizard 22, one, four Riverside Drive and on the fourth floor. Yes. And I believe his combination lock is 2217, 19. Yeah. So you were, you were a New York bartender for quite a while there.

Heath, how many of your regular customers did you know the addresses of exactly? I mean, generally, I had to, you know, bring them there at the end of nights. That was standard. Okay. That's sure how they explain it. So yeah, so they find out where the priest lives and his apartment is in Malawi, first of all. Like he's got this weird basement apartment that apparently with a ceiling leaks, even

if it's not raining, they don't turn on the lights. They go through it with flashlights because that's creepier, I guess. It's somehow dusty and cobwebby at the same time. Yeah. So they come across a jar where apparently this, this, this priest guy kept his tongue. And also he kept the tongue cutting shear is close by. Would you waste a jar at that point? I know know this guy needs jars. Oh, wait. Yeah, right? Keeps everything in jars.

It's a weird Pinterest project. I got to say. All right. So and then Hockney opens the fridge and jump scare. There's a cat in it. Well, why wouldn't the cat be dead? How could you, how could you keep a cat in a fridge? Anyway, I think the cat closed himself in the fridge.

Like he heard them coming and he'd been squatting and he was like, oh, and you know what? I don't want to make it awkward. And look at my butthole. All right. Great. I'm going to get out of here. But once they get to touch my stuff, but once everything I've pissed on in here is mine. So but once they get past the creepy cat and the fridge thing, they find a picture of a woman in a jar in the fridge. Okay. Why in the story and why in the movie? Would you have a picture of a person in a jar in the fridge? Okay. I mean, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. important people in my life in a jar and my fridge. How will people know how much they matter to me? I guess that's it. Maybe you ran out of magnets or I don't know. So and then like very briefly, we got a shot of the girl who was in that picture putting flowers on a grave. Roses, roses on a grave because those are the flowers you're supposed to bring people.

Yeah, when they're dead, it really doesn't matter. They don't care. They can't have taste anymore. Yes, some people like roses, other people like other, yeah. And then we, that's all we're going to get at her for the time being now it's back to Arnie and and Hockney checking out the, the apartment again, and just then the cops bust it. They show up so aggressively for no reason, just screaming like, let's not have a gun fight. But we're going south. Yeah. What sound like a good idea like conception.

That's the opposite of how to avoid gun fights. I'm just saying. Yeah. No, and again, like, okay, these cops are going into what they believe is the apartment of a man who they know is in the hospital. Why would they go in guns drawn in the first place? Anyway, also, and they have to give this no fucking reason at all. But the guy, the priest guy that Arnold shots his name is Thomas Aquinas. Yeah, there's really subtle names in this movie. Yeah, really subtle names. It's such a cocky choice. Like it's just

such a 90s like, and you know what? What if we name the priest, Thomas Aquinas? Oh, dude, subtle. He got us. This is the time period where everyone is dressed like we got caught in a time machine. Did you call your guy? No, it actually was that far back then. We're going to need another one back then. Anyway, so yeah, and now we're on the subway and we get the least realistic moment in this movie, right? Cause it's the the chick Christine is the character's name. She gets into the subway and she finds an open seat and that is bullshit. Come on, really, really in Manhattan. I mean,

I get it like it with a train starts or something. Maybe a fight, but that's total bull. This is like a three train in the midtown, not having. Yeah, no. I had a nice moment though, remembering when the subway was like gross and dangerous, like it's still gross, but it also used to just be like filled with knives, like sentient knives that wanted to steal you to make more knives. But then a hero came along, Bernie Gett. Oh, Bernie Gett, too. Luckily that joke is not too far because nobody knows who the fuck Bernie Gett was. Bernie get. Oh, she's luckily that

chip is not too far because nobody knows who the fuck any guess was. And if they Google it, they're going to be like, I don't know some guys have some muggers. No, that story. No, that's not what happened back. I waited until

black people checked the time around him. And yes, yeah. So and now again, super I shot. Yes. Yeah. So, and now again, super unrealistic. Okay, so this weird albino guy with white dreadlocks, tiny little mini dreadlocks comes up to her and just staring at her. And at first I'm going like,

well, I've seen this exact interaction on the subway before. And the dreadlock guy go, starts going, like, he's coming for you, Christine. He's gonna fuck you, Christine. And then he breaks apart, like, glass. And I'm like, okay, I, that would not be the weirdest thing I've seen on a subway, though. I haven't seen that exactly. I mean, that weird word for word. This is not the weirdest thing I've seen on the train. Yeah. At least he's not trying to sell you candy for his fake sports team or something, right? Yeah, exactly. It's also not the weirdest thing I've seen on the train. Yeah, at least he's not trying to sell you candy for his fake sports team or something. Yeah, right?

Yeah, exactly. It's also not the least pleasant interaction I've ever seen on the subway. As a matter of fact, this might be the most pleasant interaction between two strangers on a subway car. You just start to pull dancing to terrible music, yelling showtime, kicking people in the face. No, like it was a lot nicer. With it.

Haha. time kicking people in the face. No, like it was a lot nicer with it. So now we're off to Arnie having himself a little alcoholism back home. And he's like trying to figure out the clue by just saying it to himself over and over again. He's like 1000 years have ended, 1000 years have ended. I love the pronunciation you're giving him as though he was able to go 1000. Anyway, yeah. Also, I love the way they put together, like he's an out, he's supposed to be an alcoholic in this movie. And the way they let us know is that in the evenings, he's occasionally having a drink, right? I like, we never see him drinking out of a flask in the middle of the day or anything. He's like a occasional evening drinker alcohol. Not that the last thing would necessarily mean he's not all like that's just he's just a social day drinker.

You don't know. Also, can we just comment for a second? 1990s Arnie looks great. And I just had a real moment of nostalgia where I was like, oh, remember when tough guys and movies didn't look like someone was playing chubby bunny with bowling balls and human skin. Remember the rock dweeen Joseph. Remember Vin Diesel. What are you doing? So yeah, so he he he puzzles over the thousand years of ended thing long

enough that now he's got to pull out his whole dead daughter box because that's where he keeps his Bible. Check. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, double check, dead daughter and Bible reading montage. Check, check. Yeah, exactly. But before he can double check dead daughter and Bible reading montage. Check check. Yeah, exactly. But before you can get to the Bible, he has to wind up his daughter's music box and cry a little bit. Oh, it's fantastic. Arnold's fake cry face is one of my favorite things in this. It looks like a person who shat himself and is kind of happy about it. Like he's medium proud that he's shot himself and he's like half smiling. It's like a soccer player who took a dive and knows what happened. I mean, it's going to be a great story later. That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, exactly. So then we cut to Christine getting home to her palatial New York mansion. Oh, yeah. Christine's a multi billionaire apparently. I guess so. Yeah. If you're telling me that I get to live for 20 years in this apartment and then at the end of it, Gabriel Bern has sex with me. I'm in. Yeah, right? I'm in.

And then we go back to Arnie who apparently after reading the entire Bible that evening goes to a church to ask them more details about this Bible shit, but the church is closed and he doesn't care. He goes, I want to talk to you about Thomas equine this. And I'm thinking to myself, I've done exactly that at closed churches before and they make me leave. And what's amazing about this scene is so Arnold walks in and he tells the priest like, Hey, your priest shot at my client and the priest's reaction in classic pre 2003 Catholic Church style goes, well, I don't know. Maybe your client deserves to be shot.

We're all in real churchy here. Like throughout the entire movie, he'll never go like, yeah, uh, there's a lot of this is on us. He's just like, you don't know shit. You don't know shit about the church, okay? Sometimes priests need to shoot bankers. You're right. His actual line is he goes, you don't know everything. And I'm like, yeah, he's asking you questions about shit, dude.

So that's sort of like we all know that. He was spooked from your visit the week before my might be might be it was around that time around 1998 or so when I so yeah okay and so the priest says to him do you believe in God and Arnie says not anymore and the priest said what happened and Arnie said well this is a movie so obviously my mom died or my kid died, asshole. Why would you bring that up? Check. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just saying, this is a Christian movie. I got a lot of tweets for people like, Oh, you just watching movies in your spare time. No, Christian movie. Yeah. I think so. So the priest is very sorry about his loss, but immediately turns that into the, but that's no reason to stop giving us money, though.

You know, it should still be tithing. I wrote my notes, damn, this priest is always closing. Good for him. He also says, if you don't believe in God, how can you understand his adversary? That's what the priest is telling you. What the fuck is it? I don't believe that Bugs Bunny is a real talking rabbit, but I fully comprehend Elmer Fud. Like I can't.

The concept of Elmer Fud. Like I can't, the concept of Elmer Fud. It's not confusing. But do you know what drives him? Do you know what an Elmer Fud's heart? So the priest tells him to fuck off. He's like, I got shit to do and wanders downstairs. But Arnold sneakily follows. And he comes upon the Catholic Church's research basement,

which includes a series of computers and a kidnaped lady. Tied to a bed and all bloody. Standing in front of the accounting firm from the producers, yeah. Yeah, and by the way, walking in on something like that, exactly why the April bonus episode is late, guys, the producers. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, walking in on something like that, exactly why the April bonus episode is late, guys, real sorry about that, but we will get it next

week though. Arnold, by the way, is totally unmyth by that. He's like, eh, yeah, it's pre-spot light. Let him do their thing. And then we cut to the devil, who is watching people skate at Rockefeller Center, apparently, like you do. And I guess he's now following red graffiti marks, like Bruce Willis in 12 monkeys or something. It's like a satanic treasure hunt when he got to the end. I wanted the doctor guy. He meets with to be like, so did you like set?

We did like a little thing instead of telling you where it was. We thought we'd make it fun. You know, it's been a thousand years and it would be cool. You seem like you didn't have fun. How was Rockefeller Center? And then we cut over. Yeah. So he's going to see the evil doctor in his family.

But before he gets there, we have this great line where the daughter's like, oh, finals are such a pain in the butt. And the dad goes, don't worry, a bad grade is not the end of the world. See, he's the end of the world. And look, here's the thing. We're going to talk about what's to come. But that's a real wackety, schmackackety do joke for a scene that is about to be and mother daughter Incess three some 40 seconds from now, right? Well, I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. Fuck mom I don't proper tone for that. How do you set that scene up? How will I like what would you have done there?

stylistically, how do you how do you set up that scene? Maybe if people would read my blog. So yeah, so Gabriel Burns Satan shows up and he's talking to the doctor, but then he hears a lady voice and he's like, oh, gonna have to fuck that right quick. Honestly, he's like, this your wife, this your daughter? He's like, yeah, huh? He's like, you might have I fuck them and make them conjoined into each other for a little.

And he's like, no, no, no. Cool. No, I'll play some Moby. You guys go ahead. I wanted so badly for there to be an awkward after seeing like everyone's just undressed and sitting around the doctor walks and he's like, so we have some end of the world planning to do. If you're done, everybody in here smells gross in here. Also, okay, anybody need a shower? I kind of go.

Everybody need a shower. Kind of felt bad for the daughter, though. Like Gabriel Bern is kind of ignoring her. She's just sitting there having to rub it out herself. Well, he fucks the mom. I don't, I mean, don't get me wrong. Satan seems like a generous lover in this scene, But I mean, if you can take both of them to bed, you know, I don't, I feel like Satan should have two dicks, right? Or like at least a bifurcated

one option to split something. There you go. Gabriel burns a two dicks would be a bite way better. Perspectacious dick. Yeah, that's what he's diggin' some perspicacity. Nobody likes a sweaty dick. The true Eli Bosnick story. And then at the end of the sex scene, the mom's face turns into Christine's face and then she wakes up screaming. So that was a dream that really happened. A lot of body melting just throughout the whole thing.

It looked like if like Salvador Dulli did porn for browsers. Yeah, there you go. If that was see, I would continue paying for their service if it was, but let's like it even more. Yeah, there you go. Then we cut to Gabriel Burton. He's trying to get into the hospital where the priest that Arnold shot is being kept. At first the cop won't let him in, but then he's like, yeah, but I can smell all those young

boys that you seduce. And the guy's like, oh, well, in that case, you know, me, buddy. It's the fucking past. And the performance of the cop is so fantastic. He's just like, oh, another guy wanted a nurse to be like walking in behind him. And he's like, uh, what's the password? Oh my God, Larry, you fuck kid. Okay, you can come in. I'm weird. I'm the weird cop. So now Gabe goes back to see Thomas Aquinas and he smokes cigarettes because he's the devil. But he also like,

he needs to do something weird with a cigarette. So he opens the little like, don't get infected bucks and blows his smoke in there. And I wanted to be like, aww. I mean, you're obviously going to kill me any second now, but I just have to see me before then. Yeah. Just wanted a mom with a fat daughter in the room. Oh, God. Really?

So, Arnie and Hockney, of course, are walking into the hospital just one. Then there are always one step behind the devil and the cops are always one step behind them. And they come in and the old guy, stop me if you've heard this one before, is stabbed crucifix styled. I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you. I think we've all heard this one before. Old guy's tab cruise divided. You don't need to go any further. With scalpils.

I'm gonna stop you one more time. Scalpils and force heads. All right, cliche. Fine. No, go ahead. And this is how fucked up it is for me is that my first, my only thought upon seeing is that this is like, there's no fucking way those force ups would hold. Would you put them in a stud?

This one. All of us thought he's got all of us find her. He's figuring out where the stuff is feeling right there. Got it. All right, right arms good. He's just hanging off his right arm. Don't be a jerk. This is serious. I'm going to get the legs eventually. Hold on. Please put your feet together like a dancer, like a dancer. Point to toes. Oh, done. This is such a huge waste of time. Couldn't you just crucify me sideways? Like, no, no, it's going to be a healthier bloodshed. I'm going to drip on the bed. They're going to see that for it's a whole thing. God Jesus. Anyway, so now we,

they find that that we go up to go back to Gabe Burns, roughing up pedestrians on the street in a scene that completely doesn't fucking matter. Oh my God. A huge percentage of this movie is just Satan walking around New York fucking with people. And I want to say, if that was the whole movie, I'd be totally fine with it. I'm just like, Satan walks around the comedy is a great idea for the movie. Yeah, no, that would actually be way more entertaining than this movie was.

So he kills Rastafarian, Shia LaBuff with a wink in this scene because he bumps into him and he's like, hey, man, what's weird going? And then he skateboards away and he like whispers Cody Hatch and the guy turns around and just in the ring. Just for us. Just for this. We had a friend, him Cody, who got hit by cars all the time. All the time. How many cars at home play the home game? How many cars would you get hit before you stopped skateboarding?

Was your answer one? Well, then you're not Cody Hatch. So it's your answer 27. You're still not Cody Hatch. Yeah. So now we get yet another, the cops arriving at the scene of the crime scene, where Arnie and Hockney are still just allowed to hang out at the crime scene and learn all the stuff with the cops. We're the cops are like, I don't know, maybe he did it himself. He did it himself. It's like, ah, ah, this will show him not to answer when I push the button.

How could you make it? And then Arnold's answer to that is, then how did they get the last scalpel in? Yep. That's the only hole in the story, but just the old man crucifying his health as he lays the last scalpel was the issue. Yeah, right. Now, I can see how one would stab their own feet to a ceiling with a fucking set of four steps and all, but the second one, yeah, we're the stud finder.

I want Kevin Pollock to be like, he was lying on a block of ice. So yeah, and the only reason that that line exists by the way, is so that Arnold can have that like, I'm a better cop than you. I can figure this out. It was not self-inflicted crucifixion to the ceiling because that's all this that the by the way, the guy who wrote this movie, the I'm sorry sorry the hack that wrote this fucking movie same guy who wrote Air Force one so just so you have an idea what we're dealing with get off my ethereal plane. Amazing. Should have said that.

They probably cut that. It's probably going to be the same. But also, okay, so they take the guy down and it turns out that either he has carved a message into himself or Satan carved a message into him before he crucified it. Right? Yeah. But luckily, the coroner on hand is able to translate from blood-scraught Latin in real time. The corner is like, oh, this, this is Latin. Um, all right. I can read that. Oh, and then this, I think is English. And I wrote my notes, you think you just like freehand translated skin Latin, but English

is giving you trouble. And there's like eight words max etched into this guy's back, but the corner guy is reading this enormously long line. Right. Great. I really wanted the note to say on his back to say over and then they flattled with the course. I wanted to be a grocery list like the devil got bored while he was crucified. Mink, A, what are those things called? They're like cinnamon rolls. No, not cinnamon rolls, Frank God, food cake. Yeah.

So, and I love to, again, the corner has no problem whatsoever to say for all the Latin, but the part in English at the end, he's like, I don't know. Maybe it says, Christ in New York. And just as he says that, the dead body comes back to life and a cop shoots him dead without thinking about it. And I'm like, that's the most realistic thing that's happened in this movie so far. Yeah, everybody's so cool with it. They're like, all right, come on, man. Like, it's kind of rude to startle us. But yeah, we saw the skittles. I'm going to have to shoot you guys. Just an old man. That was right in my ear, right in my ear. I wanted her to turn to images, be like, seriously, he's white.

He's so clear. Yeah, this is so much paperwork now. So Arty and Hockney leave and Arty figures out it's not Christ in New York. Maybe it's Christine in New York. And I wrote my notes as a joke. Well, I'm sure there's only one Christine York in New York. But yeah, there is. I checked, there's like 16 of one LinkedIn anyway.

Yeah, but luckily for the purposes of this movie, yeah, there's just the ones. So they find or using the, you know, that database of driver's license that all private citizens have a, have access to, yeah, they use that. You see ads for it on Facebook. Is he cheating? Oh, that's what he went to is he cheating.com. Gotcha. So now we cut back to Christine, New York that lives in New York City and she's working

out and learning Italian and all sweaty and this is really as good as the movie's ever going to get. Oh, and she's talking about cheese. I really like this movie. Like genuinely, genuinely, and we're about, I'm about to like it even better in a second because we get one of the most gratuitous boob shots I've ever seen in any fucking movie, right? When you say gratuitous, you mean awesome. Just fantastic.

I feel like awesome. I think it's like free boot shots. Yeah, that's it. It was a first vacation. No, but like, okay, like don't get me wrong. I am all in favor of this woman's boobs. They are phenomenal. But like, it's like she's got the butler comes and says, oh, you need to get in the

shower. And she's like, oh, okay. And then like we watch her walk into the bathroom. And she just pulls her shirt off right before she gets to the door so that we get this, you know, tiny little nanosecond of tits. How many times they expect me to come during this movie? I, I max out around like one. I'm gonna say, still gonna try again, but it's getting crazy. I like this movie. He doesn't even have a grenade launcher yet. Yeah, right. So I'm doing the rest of this episode under

protest. This is a great movie. I mean, I'm gonna keep doing it, but great yet. Yeah, right. So I'm doing the rest of this episode under protest. This is a great movie. I mean, I'm going to keep doing it, but great movie. Yeah, there is no question. This was the best movie we've ever done for this show. So good. So she has to the shower, but wouldn't you know what she's standing in blood? And I wrote gross period stuff. Oh, God. But it's less gross. A guy is dead. A guy is dead. It's a way less gross. Less disturbing than period. It's just a dead human, just a dead throat slit human way, way less gross than curious. Luckily, you'll I'll do PK, but he won't do any kind of sex around that time of it. You know, yeah exactly. So you got to draw a line. So, uh, also, can we talk about the logistics of these hitmen? Okay, because there's, there's a group of hitmen about to come in and killer.

And their idea was, okay, all right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to let the butler go in and tell her to go to the shower. And then we're going to kill the butler, fill the bathtub up with water. He's put him in the tub. Wait for her to see him. You know, because there'll be a big thing. stop up with water. Put him in the tub. Wait for her to see him. You know, because it'll be a big thing. And she'll be like,

and then we'll run in and try to kill her. But we'll all run into the same door where there are two doors. What the fuck kind of planning went into this? Anyway, so this is a very yakitty sex with a sex execution. At one point, she like throws the thing out the window to fool them into thinking she's jumped out the window and then hides in her closet.

And there's a real like, oh, looks like she's not here. Oh, shoe attack. Boy. Like if she had crashed a painting over the guy's head and he's got like a sexy lady body at some point. I would not have been surprised. Yeah, it was that kind of scene. And of course, wouldn't you know it? Arnie and Hockney are heading to her house just that moment. And then you know, they see that she's throwing stuff out their windows. So they just shoot their way into the house. These two not cops just shoot their way into some person's home that they're pretty sure

is the person they're looking for. Yeah, and they even acknowledge this as they're heading there. Like he's like, hey man, like we're not cops and he's like, he's not illegal to talk to another person. And it's like, for sure, it's illegal to like find out where they live and stalk them to their home and bring guns there. What would you want to do the movie or not? All right, let's do it. But meanwhile upstairs, there's only one guy left to kill her. So he reaches his, you

know, you know, you have to cock a gun to stab someone to death by reaching well above your head. Right when he does that, she moves. And he's like, oh, fuck, I didn't think of that she would move when I tried to, God, damn it. There's also this amazing moment where Arnold is trying to catch the priest before he escapes. And he grabs his heart necklace thing, which is going to come back in a way that totally doesn't matter later. And I wrote in my notes, aw, now he'll never find his best friend.

But also, how does this grab work? Right? Like he dives to grab the dude and just gets the net, just try to visualize how you could dive to grab a person, but only get their necklace. You might as well just have like the guy's social security card at the end. Honestly though, if that had slipped out of this pocket, at least it would have made sense from a perspective of physics, right? Yeah. So now we get what I believe is our fourth. The cops are now here at the scene of the crime scene in the last hour. Again, Arnie and Hockney are allowed to just hang out.

In the cops defense, they are now at least slightly miffed that they show up to every location in this investigation. 10 minutes after Arnold Schwarzenegger does. Yeah. Also, okay. So Arnold Schwarzenegger is also killing people left and right in these things and they don't seem to like let him know that's not okay, right? Because he throws a guy during this fight scene, he throws a guy down the stairs.

And of course, if you're a bad guy, and a moving you go downstairs, you die. So like he's now, he's got a body count of two and the cops are like, okay, man, now you need to stop murdering all our suspects, all right? All right. Yeah. All right, we're gonna,

this is a lot of paperwork you're causing for me, but you, you're a rap scallion. So this is your one. So then the, the stepmom shows up, and she's like, oh, you're a rap scallion. So this is your one. So then the the stepmom shows up and she's like, Oh, you're fine. And the Christine goes, yeah, but Carson, the butch, like, yeah, I don't give a fuck about him, but you, you are good. That's what matters. So now we head outside where, where Hockney and Arnie are now on a stakeout in front of her

house. Oh, well, before this happens, he finds her music box. Oh, uh-huh. And she had the same music boxes as the daughter and she walks in the room and he's like, oh, my daughter had this music box and she's like, oh, that's funny.

Don't touch my stuff. Yeah. Weird reaction to the, this is the same as my dead daughter. Yeah. Kind of, you could be sympathetic, but you also could not. So evil doctor calls stepmom. And it says, oh, you need to bring Christine

to the temple so the devil can fuck her. And the stepmom's like, fuck off. You know what traffic is like this? That we're in midtown. We take me two hours to go, wait until 8.30, and then I'll take 30 minutes, I'll be there in the same fucking time. And the doctor relates this information

and Satan punches through his head, through his head, which to be fair, I get it. He lit all those candles, he disappointed. But I feel like now he's out of henchmen, right? Like he just wipes off his hand and he's like, ah, well now I've, now I's out of henchman, right? Like he just wipes off his hand and he's like, ah, well, now I've, now I got to go get her myself. This is fucking, I feel like I should await it.

This is on me. So anyway, back to Arnie and, and Hogni in the van. Hogni is thinking about how much he would rather be hanging out with his fucked all right now. I get it. And then Arnie realizes that the hard necklace is actually the special forces tattoo from lethal weapon. Yeah. No, okay, it was a different thing, but that's, I mean, there it is.

But he does manage to match it up to the exact symbol in the book. He just pulled from her bookshelf and he's comparing them for a good four seconds. He's like, he's like, okay, a very hard,'s a double check. My, my full check. Yeah, he runs in and the mom's like, no, he, I don't like it. And Christine's reaction is,

she's a little overprotective to which my reaction was, dude, someone tried to murder you like 30 minutes ago. Yes, right. It's gonna be a little overprotective. Ha, ha. Well, also she has to address the whole, like, you're not a cop with the fuck are you doing here? Cause he says, you know, I took these necklace off of this guy who tried to kill you.

And she's like, did you give that evidence to the police? And he's like, no, you know, they had a catalog that didn't analyze it. It's a bunch of dumb police shit if I, if they had, if I'd give it to them. So no, yeah, literally that's his answer. His answer is, I would have given this to the police, but they use evidence and evidence is dumb. So he pulls out this book that he's found the symbol and he says to where he's like, this amulet is from a secret evil Vatican Masonic. I'm like, I'm gonna stop you there, guys.

Oh, it's from a Jewish Muslim, no, no, it's not. It's not that. And he literally says, this says they're the good guys. And I wanted to be like, what, the script? And he was like, yeah, people probably was confusing. Cause like one side of this movie's trying to murder you and one side of the movie's trying to fuck you. And I'm just kind of like hanging out, but I don't really see motivated as a character. You know, one

and a couple of pieces together here, like they were the good guys. They tried to murder you. I'm a good and you just shoots her in the face. Thousand years of ended, thousand, oh, no, I get it. But of course, we got to get a jump scare that is completely fucking meaningless again. So she's about to eat an apple when suddenly it's filled with demon maggots. No reason. Just, they could do demon maggots. They're like, well, if we can do demon maggots, we might as well do demon maggots. And I got that. I got that. If I could do demon maggots. Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

If it demon maggots, we throw in some demon maggots here. He's a little demon maggot sound effects, perhaps. Yeah. Okay. So now Satan's showing up, but he sees that Todd Hockney's in the van right over there and there's a cop car sitting there waiting for him. So whatever will he do. Now keep in

mind he can make restaurants explode just by walking out of them. But he has a different plan that involves his penis. Well, wait. The restaurant plan could have evolved his penis too. Well, that's true. That's what I'm about to say. He was in the bathroom. Exactly. Oh, exactly. This is going to make sense in a second. We'll explain what happens. It has explosive piss. Okay, it all makes the whole movie makes sense. Now, yeah. So he pisses on the doorstep. Now, first of all, like the cops would stop you from doing that anyway, even if that's not why they were there, because he stayed right in front of this

cop car pissing on the street. But apparently the devil pisses Napalm, not gasoline, because he pisses and his, his P stream somehow forks. Well, he can control his P stream on the sidewalk to multiple cars. There's also a power here. He's been waiting to use that power for so goddamn, well, that explains it, right? He's like, I could have blown this up like the restaurant, but I've never had a chance to use my multiple P piss stream control mechanisms before. You should have two dicks and we should have two dicks.

I'm just saying it would make more sense. The second problem in this movie that would be solved by a double dick to Satan. Well said. Or at least bifocal dicks. Yeah. All right. Well now, now we got to talk about bifocal dicks. They could see that.

No, that's, no, that's what my dick is like is that if you look at it through one lens, it looks small, but it's not. It's not. It's angle. If you angle down, you got one. Bifocal close up and one dick for far away. Yeah, it's exactly. But here's the thing, there's a like a, there's like a joint, joint, joint, joint, joint, joint shot of the piece sneaking up on Kevin Pollock.

And I really thought we were going to get a P versus Kevin Pollock bike like you. You actually, you actually see him in the van and he gets like a look on his face. Like, is that demon piss? I could swear I smelled demon piss under the van and he gets out and it is. Yeah, it is demon piss. And so Gabriel bird throws his cigarette and again, like totally ripping off usual suspects here, he throws his cigarette out into his flammable piss stream. And you know how like if fire starts and it goes under a van, the van explodes like a

hinden, like the Hindenburg, that happens. Yeah, I found that out the hard way as well. And the Cobb Crab explodes too. So now shit's really hitting the fan and Arnie realizes that he needs to get Christine the fuck out of there. But and this is the highlight of the film folks. Fat step mom shows up to beat the fuck out of Arnold Schwarzenegg. This movie is checking all my boxes.

I love Kathy Bates beats the shit out of Arnold. It's fantastic. Boy, does she? She's got demon claws. She got super strength. It's pretty great. Now I want to point out that this actress in an interview later says that during the filming of this scene Arnold farted in her face more than once. And I think it's because like I feel like this was originally written so that

Arnold would beat the hell out of her and she's like, you know what, fuck, and he just had hard surgery. I'm just gonna whip his ass and see what he does. But yeah. And he defended himself with farts like a gentleman in a sky. He lies done that before. I've wrestled Eli. I'll never do it again. So yeah, but, but eventually he manages to overpower the fat, short, elderly woman and throw her through her glass. Throw her through her face first. Look, I know it's a scary sad world sometimes, but there is readily available footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger throwing an old woman through a glass table and you can watch it anytime you like.

Yeah, well, there you go. So, okay, also, so now there's explosions. I say, Satan comes into the house. They're about to run off, but Satan comes into the house and he's like, Christine, I'm here to fuck you. And this is like one of 11 times in this movie where Satan could solve all of his problems with a brisk power walk, right? Well, he's also standing in fire as he says this that I wanted to be like Christine.

I'm, oh, am I on fire? Shit. I feel like this ruins it. I feel stupid. Yeah, right. For some reason, my body is invulnerable to this unless it's shot out of a gun. For some reason. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So they run away, Satan's all pissed at the old fat lady. So he finishes her off, which is kind of honestly, like merciful at this point, Arnold slept her there to bleed to death.

So it seems like a dick move. He needs a three strike system. He's really tough on this opponent here. Why he's alone. And okay, so now they run into one of those alleys, you know, like they have in New York city, when Mars, the cop shows up, that's Mars, the cop, not match the dog, totally different mammal there. But Mars played by match, the dog. Oh, really? Awesome. Awesome.

Have no idea. She's got a lot of range. Match does. All right. So and the cups to show up and just start shooting it Arnold and the girl. So Arnold tosses out his gun, puts his hands on his heads and starts slowly walking towards them going like, Hey, Marge, what's going on here? What's the deal? And she's like, shoot him, kill him. Well, luckily he has ear holsters. Where do those guns, the kids?

Oh, that's what he's been walking around with sleeve guns this whole time. Oh, okay. You remember earlier in the movie when they established those sleeve guns? No, neither does this movie. But he's got them. They did actually, they did show him putting guns up his sleeve at one point.

Yeah, when they're in that van, when they should have been in the helicopter. Yeah, well, right, it wasn't on like this day. He's packing him in like he was going to pull out guns like scarves. Yeah, exactly. Spoilers cut that cut that. Nobody knows where those scarves come from. That's where they come from. So now again, Satan shows up just walking too slowly. If you weren't so worried about looking fucking cool, it already doesn't care. So he shows up, margin the copper dead, but he has to bring March back to life because he still needs her help.

Yeah, he says, call your people. And I wanted to wake up and be like, what do you mean your people? Oh, sorry. I mean, sorry. I didn't know the other page, it's crazy. I don't even see color. That's what's so crazy about me is I don't even see color. So now they head out to the wild forests on the outskirts of Manhattan.

And she's like, and of course, she has to say, who is that man understands? And she's like and of course he has to say who was that man under stales And she's like I've seen him before he was in usual suspects. I was sure he was Kaiser so is in the whole time Yeah, she's like yeah, I've had sex dreams about him my whole life and he's like oh awkward Starting at what eight Sex dreams about him? I feel like there's like one or two viewers who are way more interested. They have a story. And she says like she's like, I'm worried that I won't be able to not fucking.

I mean, scaperial burns that fucking accent is so hot. I agree. I get it. I get it. So then we go, he takes her to see like the priests that were torturing that crazy lady earlier. And that makes sense. He's got a crazy lady.

They specialize in torturing them. But already, of course, goes in gun first. The way I walk into a church. Right. And the priest is like, you don't need that gun. I've got a lady tied in the basement. It's pretty much nothing you can do at this point. Yeah. And he goes like, you know, he comes and he's like, I want to know what's going on. And this script is convoluted. This fuck someone explained it to me. And we get the part of this movie that just had me absolutely tearing my fucking hair out.

Number the beast. Oh my fucking god. All right. So he says, oh, Jesus fucking Christ, I love this so much. So he says like, oh, you know, it's the number of the beast and the girl does six, six, six, he's like, no, in dreams, numbers often appear backwards and upside down. Nope. Make sure don't also. I'm sorry. St. John was dreaming in Arabic numerals. How? I can't do six six six in my head and fucking Roman numerals.

Damn it. That could have been funny. They all show up at the wrong side of God. And he's like, no, no, you guys were dreaming. That's where all the bad people are. You want to be on my right hand? Wait, who's right? My right.

Okay, wait, let me turn around. I don't want to L. This one makes an L and this one makes an R. Okay. L XVI. Well, yeah, but you could just sit there while me and Eli, I didn't have to L. This one makes an L and this one makes an R. Okay. L X V I. Well, yeah, but you could just sit there while me and Eli Bingham. I didn't, I didn't have that luxury. Also he has to demonstrate this, right? He can't just say it.

He has to, he has to write the numbers down on a piece of paper and show them what they look like upside down. And it's really awkward when he has to turn it because he's like, all right, there's the sixes. And there's the bees. Oh, fuck. No, that's. There's the nine.

Let me make my sixes look a little odd so that they'll look like, yeah, right, right. Also, because you know, Arnold even points out how stupid this is. He's like, okay, so the end of the world happens in Eastern standard time. Why is why would the end? They's like, no, no, no, no, I know. That seems like bullshit. But it turns out that the Gregorian calendar was like retro dated to this event so that it would correspond with a thousand years. Thanks. Even says the Gregorian monks who apparently the Gregorian monks, who apparently the Gregorian calendar is named after. Nope. No, no, no.

No, I did love the like idea of the devil accidentally kidnapping her and impregnating her early, just sitting there. Ah, I kind of thought that I'm sorry. This is my fault. I'm supposed to do this on a Muslim time for a thousand years. I don't know. It looks like it's a bear and a fish. And then he throws out this line that I think I'm going to use the next time someone shows up in my door and wants to Christianize me. He says between your faith and my glock. I'll take my glock. I'd get rid of them.

Yeah, that indeed would work. Atheistic extremism. Obama wouldn't say it Trump will. Shampoo Hill, never forget parking spots are important. So yeah, so but now the priest are like, okay, Arnold, you get the fight, you just took a second frame. But it's like, Arnold, you get the fuck out of there. We'll take her from here. And so she has to make the decision, does she want to stay with the priests or does she want to go with Arnold? Right.

Which, I mean, that's a tough choice because either way, you're getting grouped. Yeah. It's just a universal case of doodling. You've got Satan who says he wants to fuck you, the Catholic church and Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's not a good luck no matter what happens. Well, but she may say the right choice because she's like, okay, I'm a woman and I'm over 18. I think the priests are my best bet here, actually. Yeah. Not a maid. So I mean, obviously at this point, I think we all need a minute to reset our priests rape children um, priests rape children, so we're going to pause for a quick break. But before we do, let me give Ack three of the hard sell here.

What the fuck happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger? Whereas older movies good, and I was just more forgiving back then, and we'll see you know, fight a baby deer later, fight out the answers to these questions and more. And when we return for the cataclysmic conclusion of, uh, end of days. Hi, welcome to genetic fancy flow is how can I help you? Uh, yeah, I was hoping to do Mother's Day right this year.

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treats. Don't wait. This amazing offer won't last and it's only available to our listeners if you got to bloom that dot com slash G O D. Yeah, but I meant here like you. Oh, well, we don't take credit cards because we think it's the 1800s and Kyler here will deliver your flowers to your mother on June 19th, 2047. I'm going to mash them. Hi Kyler.

I'm from the other show too. He is. He is a crossover. I like Kyler. I hope we keep Kyler. Jericho Kane. Good job keeping the clients safe today. Dark Good Chief.

I'm off to find the guy behind it all. Okay, well, I'm not a chief. This is a private security firm and we don't do that. Oh, no, I'll catch the part. I'm, no, no, no, that's the cops. We just protect people for money and then we go home. It's then, that's it. Ah, ah, I see.

Attract the shooter to a house and he cut out his own tongue. Yeah, that's, that's pretty gross. But again, none of this is our job. Our job is over. We're, we're done. Just all done. No more. Okay.

But what do you think this Bible passage reads? Himmit. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, the chick was about to get raped and tortured by a bunch of priests and Arnold's character had no remaining stake in the plot. So now it's really getting going. And we'll return to the action with the Pope finding out the good news that the New Yorkers have the girl.

And I want nothing more than to go into this fucking movie and just hack into it so that we can change the Pope subtitle to, uh, no, no, I ordered a boy. I thought it was funny because now he's in a wheelchair, which definitely makes this movie a prequel to breaking bad. Like he's, he's in a wheelchair now and then he'll just be in a wife theater in the following scene. And then we had backed our, Arnie's house, uh, where he meets the devil. Amazing.

And I love that the devil's introduction, he looks around to see how the devil gets in and the devil's like, ooh, doors are locked. No side of an entry, how did I get in? And he was, he was just like, I'm gonna bitch it. No, it's not actually a reddle, I'm the devil. There's a reddle when it rains. And that's not the number. Anddle. I'm the devil. I'm the devil. I'm a brello with it. Rames and that's not the number. No, it's just on the devil. I have teleportation powers. I should have

started this different. I thought you were smarter, but no. Yeah. And then of course the devil gives him a shit for being a drinker. And then he offers. He's like, oh, tell me where the girl is. And I'll give you everything you want. And what he wants, what the way he represents this is by making a Christmas tree appear. But also that can call me. Yeah. Love that record. For a second, I thought that was just going to be what Arnold wanted. He was just like, Oh, it's beautiful.

Is this a day? You're Johnny Matt this too. Yeah. She's, she's a she's a she's a saint Francis. Oh, okay So great look at the angel I can never get the lights that even So yeah, the Tin Sun and would not fall off the cats won't eat it But yeah, but no the devil is offering to give him back his family if he will help help him find the girl. And that seems like a pretty good deal actually. Satan's way better than God.

That's the thing I get from this movie. Yeah. And okay, but during this vision, he like, you know, because like he's seeing his family the night before they died or whatever. And it starts with a little girl in the tub. And I'm like, I know I Eli chose this movie. Now. I have a very specific filter on Mr. Skin. Oh, God. Molesure skin. Also, also, the French f**k.

And then bad guys show up to kill his wife and daughter in this vision, which is weird, right? That like armed burglars broken to kill his family after he tested. So we're, we learn in a second that they were crooked cops and he testified against them. And so their way of silencing him was to kill his family afterwards, afterwards, afterwards. Yeah. They're not very like everyone in this movie is a fucking idiot. It makes a lot more sense if you just assume everyone's an idiot. But also like, is this so clearly a vision? Because he says at one point, he's

like, my daughter and wife would not be real. And then the bad guys comes in and he starts shooting at them. Shooting at them. And then when he fails to shoot them, he tries to tackle one and he's like, okay, now, now I get it. So it also, it's so, yeah, so he watches his wife and daughter get shot and killed. Well, actually, he hears them get shot killed and then goes into the room where they got shot and killed with a. The blood stains don't really match up. Oh, these bad guys, they clearly had a meeting about the blood spatter. They're like, all right, we shot the mom and daughter, but now let's hold them up near each wall and shoot them some more because it'll be cooler. Like they'll be, all right.

Look, grab the daughter, put her in a fireman's carry and now spin in a circle. There you go. There you go. There you go. I don't do that. There you go. And now just like now rub up and down the wall, a little back, back, back, nice, nice. This looks great. He'll never testify against us again. Oh, I love to. And this, this happened so often in these movies. Have you ever noticed that even the most hack of Hollywood writers with fucking credits like Air Force one on their filmography is able to give the devil a perfect destroying Christianity

and 11 words or less monologue. So weird that they'd all be so good at that. Why is that? He's easy to write for. Yeah, apparently. So yeah, but then he tries for one of those pithy Arnie one-liners where he's like, I won't you go to hell. Because sure, it's a devil, get it? And Gabriel Burns just like, ugh, why am I in this movie? Why is this off camera waving a big check. Yeah, right.

I know, I know. It's just, I feel like, I feel like people are going to be like, oh, we should do a podcast about Christian movies and get to us and kind of ruin usual suspects. Because I don't work a lot after this. It's not like I'm a crazy big movie makers. Really just this this unusual suspects. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Stig Mata. Yeah. Gabriel Burns using his rage about working with Arnold very well in this. Right. Arnold's enormous face right fucking next to him and like, spittle flying like a woodchipper and his Gabriel burn his eyes just twitch. It's perfect for the scene. Yeah. Cause like, I mean, say what you want. Gabriel burn is a phenomenally good actor and watching him across from Arnold Schwarzenegger. So man, but he's supposed to be bad at the scene. So it works. Yeah, exactly. He's like Michael Kane acting with a muppet. And muppets get a way better job. And that's a mean thing to say about Kermit. So yeah, so the devil gets pissed, picks Arnold up by

the throat because everyone in this movie can whip his ass apparently and throws him out the window backwards. Okay, right? Like, like back of the head first and he catches the ledge. How is that physically? Did he do a spin? He did a spin. Oh, okay. No, he did it. It was a down left left and then low kick and he did one of those little cartwheel. Okay. All right. Now it makes perfect sense. So yeah. So he's hanging there from the ledge and he's getting cut up by, he's getting his hands

all cut up and the devil's like, all right, if you'll tell me where she is, I'll let you back in. And Arnold tricks him into thinking that he wants to let me let back in But he actually throws the devil out the window Hey, he's theologically conservative Here's here's the thing that's crazy about this Okay, the devil he shoots him earlier in the devil's like you can't hurt me I'm the devil, but then he throws him out the window and the devil's like okay, well that hurt

Yeah, that is the devil's like, okay, well that hurt. Yeah. Is the devil, it is very unreliable. What hurts slash does not hurt the devil because he gets shot and he's just like instantly heals and is like, no, doesn't bother me at all. But like impact wounds take an hour and a half to heal. I don't, right. But burns don't even show up. And then yeah, explosions are enough. Yeah, it's a fucking crazy.

So he throws the devil out the window and then there's a knock at the door. And it's, it should just be the devil coming back and going, no, dude, I you just did the gun thing. Why do you? I'm the devil. I fly too. Like this is. Yeah. So, but it's actually it's Hockney at the door. I don't know why you lie too, like this is idiots.

Yeah, so, but it's actually it's Hockney at the door. Now, you'll remember Hockney was getting blown up in the van last time, we sure, we're getting blown up as he walked out of the van last time we saw him. So Arnold is not really convinced. He's like, wait a minute, what if this is the devil disguising himself as Hockney?

Uh-huh. This is one of my favorite parts of the world. So he shoots Kevin Pollock. He just shoots him in the arm. Right, yeah, to test. To make sure, now, okay, first of all, like when he shot the devil, it's not like the bullet stopped and said,

nope, devil, devil. I mean, if it was the devil, he could have just gone, ow, oh my arm. And that would have thwarted Arnold's plan. But Kevin Pollock's just like, what the devil, he could have just gone, ow, oh my arm. And that would have sweared an Arnold's plan. But Gavin Pollock's just like, what the fuck, man, you shot me in the arm. Because I needed to find out. Like there was no way to check this.

So good. And then he goes, what, does it hurt? And he grabs at the gun of shot wound. I had to pause for like 10 minutes. It was so good. But it was just like, cut his bladder out with a knife and check for gasoline.

Like, that is, by the way, how I am going to check for heath. Next time I see him, just like, ah, there you are. That's really you. You are not the devil. Clearly, friend. Where are those shorts and see if I murder you? Let's go get a check. So yeah, meanwhile at the church, you know, she's sitting there waiting, she's going like,

how much longer do we have? And this is like every moment I've ever had in church, she's like, how much fucking longer do I have to be here? And she's like, oh, I was going to tell midnight. I wanted the priest to be like, I'm a thinking of a thing that the beginning, I'm going on the picnic and it starts, I'm going to bring a apple. Don't be a bitch. But then all of a sudden, a cardinal shows up with his posse swing and major dick. And it turns out they're the bad slash good guys there to kill her.

They sonic Vatican evil Jewish Muslims. Yeah, exactly. And to be fair, we haven't acknowledged this yet, but they are right. Like it would be better to kill that lady than let the entire world end. It's not like Satan automatically wins if they do a bad thing to stop him. It's, it is a better choice. Yeah. Right. Right. Like, they're like, oh, well, you know, I'll go to hell for killing this lady. And last, of course, I tell Jesus I'm super, super sorry. So yeah, now this, yeah, makes no fucking sense, especially because like after this, the devil's going

to get his hands on her. So yeah, the good guys should have killed her. But so they're just about to kill and they like subdue the good priests or whatever. And the guy raises the knife again, you have to cock the night. You have to raise it way above your head. And just as he does, Arnold comes in and shoots the blade right off of it. And that's okay, because he tries to stab her anyway with the like handle a second time. Yeah. He shoots the blade off of it. And then he's like, yeah, still. And he's like, oh, damn, shoots him in the hand. And he's like, okay, fine, fine. I'm done. Yeah. Ow. Just go straight to shooting the body of the bad guy. Horse push, whatever it is.

Just use your thing. So yeah, but instead right then, we get another Godquake. It all is on the candles flare up and Satan shows up. So yeah, earthquake and spontaneous candle. It's just like a weird asymmetric thing from Satan. Those are the two things that you announce yourself with. Yeah. And really, do you want to announce yourself here? No. So I thought the idea was that Satan couldn't get inside holy ground. Like Arnold was the secret keeper, Allah Harry Potter for the church. And that's why Satan was allowed to get in. They wereum tales about to pop out from behind one of the pews and be like, sorry, sorry,

I'll just all bad guys, I work for all bad guys. I will leave it to someone younger to laugh at that joke. Yeah, also, okay. So yeah, so Arnie and Christine run off. And the priests are all trying their little like, I command you in the name of Jesus type stuff. It's so good. It's just destroys all that we like one priest tries to block them with the cross, say you get stabbed in the face with the cross. And then it's like in a name of God stab you in the name of God, punch through your face. I love this movie.

Right. Why are we doing this movie? Who's the third guy that's like, all right, in the name of God, he's like, really? Really? You're the one. It's like a Jack Richard moment. See, I know. No, I'm just getting snapped. Yeah. And of course he has the last guy, he has to snap his neck with the 180 degree neck snap. So good. So good. I love it. So yeah, so they run out into another one of those New York alleys that you find so often. Okay. See, this is why you don't go in rainy alleyways. Just avoid those. Like one time I want to see something good happen there in a movie, but that's it's not going to work out for you.

No. And look, again, there are three alleys in all of New York City. Why the fuck do they keep winding up in them? Anyway, yeah, but apparently all sides of this alley are blocked by the flashlight people. Flashlight zombie Satanists. Yeah, exactly. So embarrassing when you show up for your satanic ritual beating and you forgot your flashlight. Oh my God. Everyone's just like, Oh, Dave, forgot his flashlight. You're gonna be okay Dave. God fucking. I'm just gonna get someone lend me what we have an extra. I can do a lighter or I put it's raining. No, you can't borrow an extra because we're Satan worshippers. And that's a nice thing to do.

But yeah, so all of the evil flashlight statements decide to beat the fuck out of already, but Hockney shows up just in time. But it's not really Hockney, it's devil Hockney. And so he just kidnaps the girl and drives away. Well, he kidnaps the girl, locks the doors and drives a little bit away. And she's like, no, let me out. And I wrote in my notes, usual suspects guys, the first Uber driver in film history. I know you saw the exit. You don't, you're not even on a meter. What are you doing? You lonely? But also, okay.

So so now he's like pulling off just a little bit so that he can be there to pick up the devil when the devil gets done fucking with Arnie. But like, she's just sitting in the backseat crying and I'm like, well, you could at least like, you know, I don't know, grab him by the face or something and try to unlock the door. I mean, something, you're not like a car. She's just in the back. Okay, fine. I went on a picnic and I'm thinking, you can't

do that pre-30. Use that one earlier. Also the new game. So the cops are, so the flashlight people are beaten up Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I'm thinking to myself, like, guys, Bruce Lee would be demanding more bad guy teamwork work in the choreography here. Yeah. It is ridiculous how like one at a time, the fights go on there. And of course, at the same time Arnie's going for the gun. Like it's the antidote and temple adoom. And they end up kicking the gun around like gunsockers. One point.

One point. I was joking before. It's really weird. Like like five or 10 gun kicks really wanted somebody to get shot there. Yeah, exactly. Um, yeah, but now he grabs the gun. He finally does get the gun and he shoots the devil. He's got like 11 people around and he shoots the one guy who's impervious to bullets

and who he knows is impervious to bullets. And Gabriel Bern reacts accordingly. He's just like, the fuck you think of that again. This is embarrassing. Are you watching the rest of this? Would you read the script? So, but then they finally they should do Arnie and but instead of killing him, Satan wants him to see the end of days with his own eyes. So they crucify him, thus drawing a subtle parallel between the hero of this movie and Jesus. So they clearly had this whole thing ready.

Like they rigged up a pulley system and a giant cross on a built. Like what were they just like driving around the city with this thing in a truck? And if I find all the us drive cross town at rush hour, we need these in all the Alice guys, take the park, go through the park. Obviously. And then of course we have to cut back to the Pope so the Pope can find out that the Catholics in New York lost track of the girl. Yeah.

And I mean, am I right? Was the Pope in the wheelchair not clearly getting blown by the Cardinal? Yes. Like very absolutely. Yes. 100% getting blown by the,inal. Yes. Like very, absolutely. Yes. 100% getting blown by the, I mean, they hacked my browser history. They had to, it was really, it's hitting so many check boxes. I'm not saying I want to be like disabled and get blown by a cardinal, but just like,

sometimes I want to watch that. That's how I'm saying. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes you pretend. Yeah. It's like butt stuff. Yeah, right. It's like Alex Joe. Sometimes you want pretend

butt stuff. So sometimes you want pretend butt stuff with Alex Jones. No, not wait, not wait. Move on. Moving on with the movie. Now that we've established those things about Heath's sexual preferences, we can move on to the crowds gathering at Times Square. You guys know a lot about that. They do. I tested them earlier. We've been doing this for a while. I'm telling it.

And of course, they're also, they've, they've taken Arnold to some church basement in fucking the Congo or something. I'm so they can stitch him back together. Yeah. I wanted the crazy peasant lady to be like mad in the next bed over like, okay, he just gets a semi-private room. This is fucking bullshit.

Empire blue cross blue shield. Cross. Get it? Way too clever for this movie. Stig Mod is a pre-existing condition. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. It's 2000 years old.

So now he goes to the Norad security office gun, Empory of Armory. And we have the weirdest, most somber gearing up scene. Look, Arnold Schwarzenegger has done a lot of time to get a rocket launcher scenes. He will do many more after this, but there is no music. The camera is really weird. It's just him being like, wow, wow. Another, I'm guess I'm going to do one of those. Oh, I caught my finger in the pin. Oh, he's going to fight the devil. Do you think that the problem was you didn't shoot him with big enough bullets? He does think that's the problem because he is pulling cartoonishly oversized bullets for my case. And they're literally, they're making like slapstick cartoon noises as he grabs

him. It's like, we, we, it's so weird. Yeah, no, I expected it any minute for one of them to go like any value and haven't seen you. Yeah, right. But so he gets all the guns he can carry without having any bulges in his jacket, apparently. And then they use that magic 1999 New York license plate tracking software that they had back then. Nope. Yeah, he convinces the computer to play tic tac toe against itself. Oh, I see all the cars are makes perfect sense now. So yeah, so now he knows where the devil's car is So he goes there and he seems disappointed that they're not in the car Right like he goes to look at the car is like oh damn, and I'm like what did you expect that it's just be hanging out?

1053 I am gonna fuck you in a back at this car. Do you want to listen to some music? Something? It's 1999. So literally none of the music is good. I don't blame you if the answer is no. But I'm 104 three none of it. Great fucking music. Classic rock. Fuck you. I listen to your music. I've listened to your goddamn playlist. You have no fucking right to talk about anyone else's music. But luckily, you didn't even really listen to the Creed mix. It was a whole.

So yeah, but luckily for him, Marge shows up. The evil zombie black, recessed, a cop lady is there. And so she walks into this abandoned movie theater and Arnie follows her, you know, stealthily, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. I mean, they don't even chase like again, you can drop out the like elephant walking through the room, sound effects in post guys. And, and as he's following her, he gets stopped by a guy whose eyes are so in shut, who's like the satanic homeless guard. And he's like, ah, all right, go ahead. Yeah, I can smell that you have some evil on you.

When you just have a guy with unsown shut eyes, well, we had a guy, we had a, I'd say it's a big thing. It's a big thing. But then, but then the pizza showed up 24 minutes late and I punched through it. I need to be better at communicating and workplace environments. And that's something that I am working on, but not something that I'm ready to talk about. Thank you.

So yeah, so we go to this like again, this one of the many abandoned subway tunnels we have in New York. And he has to like, like, they've lit torches along the way. So he falls in like he's trying to find a secret room in a Zelda dungeon. Yeah. And indeed, he comes upon one. It's got rock music and Satan chanting. I wanted him so badly to have just accidentally have stumbled on a goth rave, he just starts shooting 16 year olds who are mad at their dad. They're in the W next store asshole. Oh, right. So yeah, so he sneaks into the big Satanist meeting where they're all chanting. And of course, he's got to like, he's like me trying to sing along the songs or whatever's like, but the best part of this is we get a really quick shot of Gabriel.

Now, I'm convinced Gabriel burn just stopped acting for a second. Didn't know they were going to use the footage because Satan looks super duper bored by the satanic service. Like, like his mom is going to nudge him with her elbow and be like, you can fuck her in a second. Okay. Well, now, and I will come here again, Jackie again, generous lover here. The devil is gonna rape her, but that's no reason

to skip the four play. He's also very insistent upon consent. Here, he's like, Hey, you all cool with this? Like I didn't know how many people were going to show up, but I just want to make sure you're all right. I was really hoping Satan couldn't get hard right away. And they had like a little argument about that. That would have fun. It's a big crowd of perform and you're putting a lot of pressure on me. I feel like you don't, if you were just a little gentler and less, less teeth, honestly, we've practiced this in the dreams quite a few times and you were, I'm going to say it

younger. Oh, oh, I love to. Okay, so many listeners want to know. So the, so March, the, the cop sees already and like start sneaking up on him, but just as she gets to me, like turns around and shoots her in the head, and the Satan is freak the fuck out. They're like, well, we came here for a raping. This murder shit is not going to fly.

And then Arnie pulls out his automatic machine gun, like security guards have. I guess, and I guess it's full of silver fucking bullets this time because he shoots the devil with it again and grabs the court kind of. Well, I mean, it knocks him back for a second. Yeah. So it doesn't work. Yeah. Well, yeah, exactly. So he grabs the girl and as he's wandering out, you know, of course, he's surrounded

by Satanist or whatever. And the devil's like, you'll never get out. And he's like, oh, yeah what if I say it pretty please. And then Hockney shows up. And Kevin Pollock's performance here is phenomenal. He's like, you would devil betray me. And he's like, yeah, being on fire is a great negotiation tactic.

I don't know. I know you got a Christmas tree, but I didn't let you on fire. Um, so Satan had Kevin Pollock just like waiting off to the side this whole time. Yeah, he's like, okay, everyone else just gather up around here, but I might need you to do a reveal. Okay, but why am I in the side hallway? Can I just, what's the thing? It's that it'll be dramatic.

If Arnold shows up, I'll pull you out. But if you were expecting Arnold to show up, why didn't you just kill him? Because that I would be able to do the reveal. Don't question it. I punch people through the head for less than this. So yes, but but Hockney just can't shoot him because there's such good bodies. So the devil sets him on fire with a touch again. At which point Arnold fires one of those giant, you know, the chain reaction rockets that

cause dozens of explosions in all different places. I do. But eventually, right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. You get to leave. And then there's like a dozen explosions. Yeah. He fires one of those guns. And of course, because there's a huge explosion explosions. Yeah, he fires one of those guns. And of course, because there's a huge explosion and they're running away, now all of a sudden there's fire chasing them, but don't worry, they duck around a corner and fool the fire, which goes the other direction. I wanted them to poke their head out of one window and the fire pokes its head out of

the other. They go poke their head they had another window. So and now they, they run through more third world New York City. He uses a smaller, well, I think it's the same gun, but he sets it to only one much smaller explosion so that he can blow his way into a different subway tunnel. Right. Yeah. He's got to get past the rainy alleyway gang, which, which was also, so again, Satan was like, all right. So if the Kevin Pollock thing doesn't work, I'm going to have you guys are in like a second level of side hallways. He's going to probably do like a delayed rocket. And then you'll be in the second level and you'll get him there. Yeah. Exactly. But now, but I need an even number of people on either side, though. Okay, I'm going to do it with X's and O's.

Let me do with X's and O's. This is going to be fun if Judea starts yelling about stuff. He's got a whiteboard up at the front. Any questions not about the plan. Not about the plan. Okay. So yeah, so they hop into a different subway tunnel through their improvised door and oh no, a train so they duck

You know how you can duck under a subway train so they do that Oh, you can't duck under a subway train. Can you not so many homeless people die? No, I feel like if you just die Yeah, you just don't none of them are deep enough? No, no, no So yeah, so if you and home were thinking about trying this don't don't don't just die Yeah, just die in an in a normal way to this not gonna fuck up everybody's commute So if you at home were thinking about trying this, don't, don't, don't die. Yeah, just die in a normal way too. That's not going to fuck up everybody's commute. I mean, that's New York where you're right on the track.

Like everyone would be so fucking pissed at you for killing yourself like this. Sick passenger, really? Really? Oh, this is when you have your heart attack. Really? Just eat more or less bacon, a little more or a little less and you would have been to your destination. Seems like you could have had that hard attack on the platform, Chubs.

I mean, when you walked in, I thought, you know, 50, 50, this guy's having a hard attack before we get to the next station. Yeah. 20% tips. God damn it. So yeah, now luckily for them, of course, this is one of those New York City subway trains that's completely empty from front to back at 11 o'clock on New Year's Eve. What?

So the conductor stops the train and of course, he's the only conductor on this train because just the one guy that runs the train. And he picks her up. So they jump in the back of the train, they guys like, are you okay? Yeah, we're okay because you can lay under trains in this universe. He's like, oh, I had no idea. And then Arnold pulls out his shotgun or his machine gun, mose down the three people chasing him.

And he's like, let's move. And the guy's like, yeah, I'm on your side now. You seem like a good guy. Sure, man. You're the one with the gun and the demonstrated intent to kill people you don't like. Yeah, let's, let's go to Rockefeller Center. Exactly. And then say, Arnie and the girl are like, he's gone. What possibly at this juncture would make you think he's gone. Right. Yes. Yes. But instead he punches through the floor of the train to grab at them. Right. And then through the ceiling. So Satan very clearly, he doesn't just transport

onto the train, something we know he can do. He's just like, all right. Damn it. I'm trying everything today. Yeah, but they run Satan punches his way through the conductor's heart because you know, fuck that guy. And Arnold decides to you, you know how they have that lever on the trains that allows you to decouple them as their in motion. Yeah. Yeah. Such a movie trope, man.

They don't even allow cloth seats on the near some ways. They're going to have a lever that separates the cars. You're not allowed to open the doors anymore. They were like, no, too many people tried to do a split in between cars and their dicks got ripped off by a passing rat. So no more door permission for you. Also, okay, this is so fucking stupid, even if that was a real thing. When you think you would leave yourself in the part of the car or in the part of the

train that has like the engine, right? Because they leave him in the front end of the train and they get in the back of the train, which is kind of dumb. And then the devil tries to jump out, again, I love this movie, the devil tries to jump out of the train. They're, that's still going at them, but he shoots them with a grenade and it explodes him. Yeah.

Right. And the train in front of them explodes and destroys the tracks. Like, oh, really? Didn't think this one through at all. Did you guys? But they, so they run to the back of the train and they, they, they, they hold on like, because they're like, oh, this was cool when, yeah, no, didn't speed with Sandra Bullock. Um, and the train like accordion smashes into the other train, but like all the way to them.

It stops before I get to that. It's just short of them. Yeah. Well, that's why they install the poles so you can hold on to something when this happens. So you're fine. I guess. No, it makes perfect sense. Now, yeah. So there's a big explosion, whatever they run off Satan wakes up and now like he's just basically ahead and rib bones. Yeah. And he's like, Oh, man. But he escapes from Gabriel, burns body, right? Like this is beyond his healing capacity, apparently. Right. So yeah, and of course the flashlight Satanists

are still chasing him. So they run into a church because we saw how effective that was at holding the devil off before. Also, and this is gonna come back a little later. There is a statue in this church that is holding a sword. Now, if you wanna be specific, it is the royal broad sword from Breath of the Wild. And it is apparently a sharp enough to impale a human being through the damn chest cavity sword. But they just keep it there hanging off

of a fucking statue pointed down at like children's eye level. It's a good idea. That church lock in went badly. Oh, don't, don't pull them back. Just just leave them there. Oh, shouldn't have found that. Poornow. You okay?

You can hit me. You can hit me. And of course, and this is at this point, by the way, Arnie movie was ahead, right? Because he shot somebody with an exploding gun and said something pithy, but right then Arnie has a coming to Jesus moment and praise vision best coming to Jesus moment in these movies because he has at least David our white nose would a coming to Jesus moment is supposed to look like Arnold is like I love you God. Did you hear me? Roode.

Okay, this is over. More shooting now, please. Yeah, right. And he's like, all right, I'll put down my rocket launcher, but that's it. I'm keeping these other weapons, but the rocket launcher I'll put down. I'm with Jesus now. Exactly. Yeah.

So Satan, God quakes the church a little bit and all the windows explode and all the pews fly around or whatever. And then suddenly Satan rises from below him, but he's boss villain size now. Yes. I literally wrote as a joke before it happened. If the devil comes down as a giant devil, and there's a boss fight, this is a sweet video game. Yeah. And it's exactly what happened.

Right. No, I'm right in the minus. Look for a flashing spot. I already use all your special items. Yeah. What? Use Niagara. already use all your special items. Yeah. But, and a period. So, now, apparently the devil is a winged naked predator in case you were wondering what the devil looked like.

And also, he is using his devil powers to put Arnold unprotected on the surface of Mars. Is that what we were just looking for and excuse for the grunt, growls? Yeah, he jumps inside his body and does more beating up of the body. He's about to be in which again, live and don't learn, devil, live and don't learn. And he, he wakes up and he's very clearly like deviledified. We're supposed to be fooled by this, but he wakes up and it's 11 57 p.m. Which gives the devil three minutes to impregnate this girl.

You make that sound like a long time. I would that be. I mean, that's plenty time to spare. Pop the champagne. Yeah, right. I'm a few rounds. Love it. He's going to, so he's going to fuck Robin, Tony inside Times Square church while the ball drops.

This is my vision board made into a little bit. So, so impressive. Oh, so, okay, how fucking dumb is she? Cause Arnold's like, oh, it's okay. You can come out now. And she's like, she's got to know like, oh, you know, if I wait three minutes, it won't matter. So I'm going to keep fighting. What do I say here for three more minutes? No. No.

We got places to be. Okay. I don't want to make you late. Yeah. Here's Eve traffic, right? Yeah, but okay. So he grabs her and she then she realizes he's actually got the devil in him and he's going to go rape her or whatever. But she's trying to like like telling him to fight the devil. Like you're in there somewhere Jericho fight against the devil and just as he starts to kiss rape her, the Jesus statue nearby starts to glow. So he starts trying to fight against the devil, which looks an awful lot like almost vomiting on the girl you're about to fuck. That's I wrote

imagine this actresses day having Arnold's face that close to your face. And the end of me was where she was just like, I don't really want to be an actor anymore. I'm good. I'm good on the actor thing. Yeah, but apparently he's able to hold the devil off for just long enough to tell her to run away. And then he dives heart first into the angel sort. For no reason. She got away. It's two minutes. It's just two minutes. No minutes. It goes three, two, and then he jumps onto the sword. All he had to do to me was like, one.

Happy New Year, the gentleman just in our old's body and I'll be like, all right, man, like you can hang out if you want, but we're all going to chillies. It's over. Yes. So, and then of course,

Arnie goes to heaven, whereas wife and daughter are there to meet him. And this is the checkmark that puts it over the top for Christian movies. He does go to heaven at the end. Well, we see the wife and daughter and Christine sees them. And I wanted so badly to have heard her look away and look back and Arnie was there, like a Jedi appearance, like they're all blue and so forth. But no, they vanish and they're in heaven with the Arnold Schwarzenegger. Imagine

spending eternity. And thinking it's heaven. No, that's impossible. I don't want to imagine impossible things to imagine. All right. So as we all know, all of these movies take place in the same cinematic universe. And since Arnie dies at the end, we can't get a sequel, but that doesn't mean we can't get a prequel. So I ask you to close off of all the characters in all the movies we've ever done. Who would you most like to see him team up with in the buddy cop prequel? Oh, obviously it's fly boy, the parkour guy from leap. Oh, that would be one watch Arnold do some parkour copying. Oh, that'd be great. Oh, I'm actually going to keep the universe consistent and I'm going to say he teams up

with I zone shot guy. Oh, that no, there's a lot of like scene or evil here, no evil comedy that could be going on there. I get this a lot. Yeah. All right this a lot. Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. And well, that's gonna do it for our review of end of days. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to rope you back in for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Heaven?

Bound. Now that's more like it, dude. That's more like it. Holy shit. We get the fucking DJ from Resurrection of Gavin Stone for a whole movie. I'm so in. Yeah, I am not. I may or may not have IMDB'd this gentleman and been like, oh, he's in another Christian movie.

Yes, please. Mm-hmm. All right, so yeah, that's pretty much, God, Jesus, we're not gonna have, I wouldn't even have to watch the movie, right? I could just probably write two hours of material on this guy's physical appearance and show up and let you guys tell me what happened.

I think I'm gonna do that. Oh, maybe Arnold could throw him through a table. I'm just throwing out ideas here. I'm just throwing out ideas. So with all that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 90 to a merciful clothes. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our simply shows the skating atheist in the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew

Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnyk of Evil Drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnick. I'm Noel Elysian, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Christine tried to get health insurance, but demonic snake blood is now a pre-existing condition.

Bucking G.O.P. Hockney burned in hell for one with 300 zeros years and then some. In the year 2,999, Satan just matched with Christine on Tinder. It was like way easier. I guess I got that. I thought it was funny. No way. If nobody laughs, then I was going to think I was serious about that.

You guys are like, yes, you are still pretty pissed about that. I was away from him because I was taking a drink and I thought I would make it back in time with the joke with Shorter, so I was just like, oh no! Oh no! The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.