God Awful Movies - 91: GAM091 Heaven Bound

Episode Date: May 16, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Heaven Bound, a lighthearted comedy about a couple of bumbling burglars and the senile Jesus freak that kidnaps and tortures them because invisible people want him to. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Maybe you could talk to Doc. He could give you some tips on being a real man. Any ghost, any ghost. What is that supposed to mean? I'm like, yeah, what is that supposed to mean? That means fucking contest. That's the only way to solve this. Absolutely fucking contest. I just so wanted a flash cut to... Oh, okay, that's why they say it's a man and a boat he's at the front of the boat I was just like who the fuck what does that even mean it's a bad metaphor now clean this mango and I'll let you go Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be is my good friend, Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what I love? Your chicken parm hot pockets. I don't say it. I appreciate those. And that's going to pay off

in about 90 minutes. Yeah, about 90 minutes. It'll all make sense. Go back to the intro. It's called a tease. It's not a call forward. It's a tease and sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm pretty fantastic. I wonder why. So clue everybody yet on why Eli is doing so fantastic. If you would, Heath, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched Heavenbound. It's the story of a husband and wife who become burglars and a wealthy Christian man who they target for a heist. And all three of these people learn a valuable lesson about the meaning of life from a charming food enthusiast ninja. Very exciting movie. I think he's going to have a lot of positive shit to say here.

Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love wacky, caper comedies, but you miss the serious commentary on the ravages of Alzheimer's and you think animal abuse is funny, you will love this movie. It's Tower of Babel heist. Well, okay. Now, I feel like we need to address this issue up front. This is a Christian comedy that is from time to time. Funny. It's like, I mean, like here and there,

their jokes actually land and that's kind of like a weird experience where like, I know where the joke was because I laugh. I didn't know how to handle that shit. I mean, now I should I should put that in context like compared to what we watch, right? This is good for like a made for TV movie comedy, right? This is not good for like a in the theaters. You just paid to watch this movie comedy, but compared to what we

watched, this was downright fucking hilarious. So a couple little nuggets of trivia that Eli was able to dig up about this movie before we started. Apparently this film was shot in 18 days. Like all great movies. It seems like they took a couple off in there somewhere like really you used all 18 of those days. Come on. Also, this is the cinematic debut of Jamie Costa, the Vine star guys, the Vine star who is an impressionist on Vine and does no impressions in this movie. It does. I kept waiting for him to be like, Oh, it's me, Robert De Niro, but he's just like near your pizza. All right. Yeah. So he's pretty much his whole pants. Also, of course, and this movie stars or co stars or comic reliefs via one Tory Martin, who regular listeners

will know as the radio DJ from the resurrection of Gavin Stone, who's physical appearance. We spent, I believe 22 minutes on when we did that one. The ghost of Christmas present, the human Christmas tree. Yeah, he's in this movie. And quite frankly, I hope to see more of his filmography. I noticed that he has an announced project called Christian movie and the description is a wacky comedy about a high school football dream trying to win their first championship before the rapture.

Oh, so stealing our ideas, man. Stealing our people. Yeah, right. Mother fuckers. Now is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, definitely best worst. Well, really just best. Many episode of God awful movies within the movie. It's a minute.

At one point, they watch a Kirk Cameron movie that we reviewed and they just go over the top sarcastically praising this guy. Like, oh my God, Kirk Cameron is such a fucking great Christian. I want his values inside of it. It's the best. I'm going to go with best worst pizza delivery service. I don't want to spoil it, but the pizza delivery service in this movie is worth a film all on its own. Yeah, no Robert De Niro impressions or anything is terrible. All right. Well, I guess it's only so long before Eli's physical appearance notes on Torrey Martin crushed the table. They're

set none. So we're going to keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll survey all the wacky antics that are heaven bound. Does this ever happen to you? Well, it did now, because I was talking about listening to an audio format that relies on a visual cue for the listener to know what the fuck they're talking about, so it has happened to you. So why not try God awful movies live? Do you love God awful movies? Do you at least love spending time with it?

Well then boy do we have a deal for you. The God awful movies crew is packing their bags this summer for live shows in New York City, Seattle, Salt Lake City, and more. And you can be there to see all the action live. How much would you pay? One million dollars? Two million dollars? Almost certainly not.

But there's more. You'll hear the same show you know and love, but you'll also get sight gags. Lighting. Wardrobing. And that weird experience of watching Heath's voice come out of the wrong looking head. But don't answer yet because I didn't ask a question. You'll also get gesticulations, facial expressions,

and the ability to hear what Eli says before Noah gets to edit it. You can even join the crew for a behind-the-scenes viewing of the film the night before for the low, low price of a more expensive ticket, but don't wait. Seats are limited and they will sell out quickly. So be sure to check the show notes for this episode or check our Facebook, page or Twitter feed for more details and see God awful movies live in a city that'll be near you by the time you get close to the venue.

God awful movies live. It's better than drugs. I feel like being honest with him is just going to be the best. Hey guys. That awful movie's live. It's better than drugs. I feel like being honest with him is just gonna be the best. Hey guys. Hey, Heath. Hey, how you doing? How's it going?

You guys ready to record? Yeah, almost. Heath, there's something we need to tell you. I don't want a bath. You always do this. No, it's not that this time. It's about the movie. Oh, okay. No, it's it's not that this time. It's it's about the movie. Oh, okay. Well, what about it? Well, this week's movie has you in it. What do you mean has me in it?

Yeah, yeah, there's a character named Mochi and I'm pretty sure it's just coincidence, but he's got red hair, he on ironically nunchucks. He spends most of the movie eating or thinking about eating. Come on, guys. I don't think that like he went to high school with an armed robber. I call Andrew. We already did. You can't just fucking do this. Like a man's identity is his own thing.

You can't steal. I know, buddy. It's not. I know. It stole my chucks. There's a dog in this movie that's Eli too. There's a dog in this movie. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start this movie off with a horrifyingly

prozetic vision of the good life. Well, also, hey, production logos, those are for pussies. This right was made by no one. We're from 26 production logos last week to nothing. Just wake up with the fucking mattress commercial people here. And we see in this opening credits, this is supposed to be them like in their happy life. And so we see them like getting ready for breakfast and getting out of bed and all this kind of stuff. And it is, it is sickening. I'm saying if at the end of this sequence, this

couple had gotten law abiding citizen, I'd be okay with it. I'd be okay. That's what I'm, is morning person a real thing? I fucking hate them so much, is that? I'm a morning person. I mean, you don't notice that because I fall asleep at 5.30 AM and wake up at 11. Is that count then? But no, but when I, but, but no, I do my best stuff

in the morning, I'm just never awake for it. I, but I am. So you don't do your best stuff. I am a, you're running person though. I guess I have real shurry and perky at best stuff. I am a you're letting person though. Like if I have a real sherry and perky at when you wake up is what you're telling us. Well, no, if I woke up in the morning, you would see the cheer that's the thing is I sleep through my only cherry

perky moment. And that's why I'm kind of an asshole all the time. He's tomorrow wake no up at like, yeah, I'm gonna jump on your bed and see what happens. See how cheer you are at nine. I hear you'll be full of I love that nine is the earliest heaths willing to commit to that. So yeah, basically we made a painfully white family. Like if you stare directly into this family, you will burn your corneas white. But I will say like the music was pretty good.

Yeah. And it was shot like a movie. Again, after don't touch if you ain't prayed, the fact that the camera was able to pan and they were able to put boards on the screen without having someone hide behind a counter and lift the cardboard sign. I was like, Miracle of Miracles. Yeah. Holy shit. And what's funny is like one of the first notes I wrote is on the star of this movie Who will I'm gonna go ahead and tell you his name now Ted we learned that at about minute 106 But Ted I wrote like man this guy shouldn't have his looks documented for posterity And then I saw the other people in this movie and I'm like yeah, no, it's that's a pretty good looking guy But oh and there is one moment in this opening scene where we cut to a family photo and it is of the couple, the dad and the wife whose name I don't remember and their son who is a

lawyer who will meet at the very, very end of this movie and Mochi who is her younger brother. But it basically looks like a family photo and then one child who was like a curse like they were all you can eat buffet and they bumped into a gypsy and she was just like And they're like, yeah, what's the worst that could happen? No, chain So yeah, so that's the morning scene and then we also we have to get this scene like where Ted is is heading to work and he's at the bagel shop and the big fat kid in front of him doesn't have enough money.

So he helps to get out. It's the case of bequads pizza. I'm not going to say it is. He buys baby heath a muffin. And he like a gentleman in a scholar takes that opportunity to grab that child and harm him. Just like, but you a muffin, didn't I? Yeah.

I get to touch you now. Yeah. Well, can we do it with housing the hair of children just, oh, just no, nobody do it. Nobody do it. You're getting to the elderly. It's pretty fucking creepy. Yeah, exactly. But of course, through this whole thing, he's all like Joe

Osteen fucking see Alice commercial smiles throughout. And he shows up at work where apparently he works for a company that sells gluten free organic dog food. I hate this character so much. I already hate him. Yeah. First of all, don't feed your dog a diet that's for people. Like just that's also gluten free organic is not for people. That's for a piece. It's a different. Unless you have celiacs disease in which cases.

Well, yeah, and that case, yeah, exactly, but still you can still handle carbon to hydrogen or not. It's fine. Exactly. Your dog doesn't have celiacs. It's a whole thing. I don't know what it's all about. It's a whole thing. It's a tie. But to be fair, but to be fair, the movie is making fun of that, right? The movie is recognizing that as stupid. It's not like, I mean, we

deal with a lot of people who would actually buy that. So like kudos to this movie for recognizing that that's, you know, a goofy thing. Also, by the way, I want to point out that not only does this guy work for the organic gluten-free dog food company, but he's in charge of writing annoying jingles for their commercials. This is the perfect movie villain, y'all. Yeah. And so he, but he also appears to be in charge of carrying the mascot, which I think is the head of a cult. Now, I want to spoil anything here, but throughout the rest of the movie, people take the health

and well-being of this dog way, way more seriously than they should. Even if he's like the most popular dog food mascot, you get a feeling that in this particular town, they have a like cult of the rising sun. Like Mr. Mitzky was going to give out cool aid at some point. Should the events of this movie not have taken place. Yeah. And Mr. Mitzky, by the way, is the name of the dog. Yeah. And I point that out because they refer to Mr. Mitzky several times at the beginning of the movie as though that was like his boss, but no, no, no, that's the dog. So the chauffeur is sick that normally drives the dog around.

So he has to take the dog to the opening of the puppy theme park. And he doesn't want to do this because the dog is a spoiled brat. The dog doesn't demonstrate that though. The dog just gets hurt several times. Like he smashing it into fans and whamming it into elevators and slapping it into doors and like, look, I know. I'm a little over sensitive. I'm a dog owner, blah, blah, blah.

But like six, oh no, I hurt the dog jokes in a row. I was like, all right, someone here really thinks hurting dogs is funny. Like, oh, no, woofles. And then it's like, okay, now you're just getting pleasure out of a dog's pain. I feel like you'll be sensitive though, because they made fun of the dog for ordering drinks at 64 degrees Fahrenheit, exactly. And that was something you find completely normal.

He's a gluten-free dog with a special diet and a temperature preference. I'm just saying, her name is Herrline. Do you carry a thermometer? How do you test them at that? I watch and make sure that they push the button on the machine. And if they don't push it, I ask for a remake. It's pretty simple. Yeah.

So anyway, he's so correct. Are you bad at your job making a beverage? You're just endearing yourself to all of our barista listeners right now, absolutely. So yeah, so we actually banned on SoundCloud. You guys are going to make it. No, you are though. So yeah, so we accidentally fucking closes the dog in the elevator and drops him off at the vivisection clinic or whatever, but eventually he ends up in the parking lot and there's a, he's got the dog and he's got the dog's food and he's got the dog's water and all

of this stuff in his arms. And there's a lady that needs help putting trees in her car. Before we get to this, can we talk about the guy in the elevator? Oh my God, how did I miss that? How did it, yes, there's a guy in the elevator that wants to fuck the dog. And absolutely wants to fuck the dog. Definitely wants to fuck the, he eats dog food.

That's the, that's how he introduces himself as a character. He's like, yeah, it's, you know, gluten free, organic. So, you know, clearly it's dog food. I mean, beg and strips are delicious, like popperoni, have you ever, I don't know if you guys have ever had that. It's really know, clearly it's dog food. I mean, beg, beg and strips are delicious, like popperoni. Have you ever, I don't know if you guys have ever had that? It's really good, but still like the wet food in the can. That's weird. Yeah, no, that is pretty weird. We can.

That's where the last half of the, no, the treats, but the bacon, he treat, but yeah, I mean, and they're going for wacky comedy here. Obviously, but that's a bizarre place to go for wacky comedy. The guy's like, Oh, I love that dog in his dog food. I mean, and they're going for wacky comedy here. Obviously, but that's a bizarre place to go for wacky comedy. The guy's like, oh, I love that dog and his dog food. I don't have a dog. I eat it myself. Tee he. Can I put my finger in it? Yeah, there are, there are several moments throughout this movie where they're very clearly going for wacky comedy, but in a genre that's entirely inappropriate, like he pulls up, is that Ralphie the rapist? I'm always a rapin. I know you're going for comedy, but the subject

matter is weird. Well, I mean, yeah, the elevator guy literally, he grabs a lock of the dog's hair and smells it. Like he's clearly going to go home, eat dog food and fuck a hair doll shaped like a dog. That's this entire character's thing. Yeah. No, he's he's finally got the pubes for his doll. Yeah. Apparently, I wouldn't use that for the puke. That'd be like a weird pick. No, I like pay attention to the details. Oh, fine. So, yeah, so we meet this bizarre human in the, in the elevator that wants to fuck the dog and he gets out of the elevator.

And this is where he shows up in the parking lot. There's a lady trying to put a tree in her car who needs help. And I want to say, if you are in charge of a dog and the elderly need help, dogs come first. Dogs come first. Dogs come first. Dogs might live another 12, 13 years. They're going to happen with the elderly, especially if they're stupid enough to try and load a fucking tree in their car.

I was yelling at my TV this entire time. Just leave her. This is evolution. Let natural. She'll slam her hand in the door. She'll starve to death. It's fine. She's already bred. It's too late She'll starve to death. It's fine. She's already

breaded. It's too late for natural selection to have an effect here. So yeah, so, but he goes to help you. The lady. Jesus. That's no longer natural selection. Eli, that's selection. Breeding of humans. I've been emailing with Ray Comfort and I'm pretty sure we're on the same page. I'm going to be the lone eugenics hold out on this show. You are. You are. Get on board. You're going to be the lone eugenics. Hold out in atheism. I'm feeling of the lone person trying to review this movie at the moment. So,

yeah. So what you will about the tenets of national socialism. That's a quote from a movie. If you're not familiar, it's from the Big Lebowski. Anyway, yeah. So, so he goes to help the soul lady. And while he does, he puts the dog on top of the car and then forgets these up there when he pulls away. You know, like you've done with a drink before, but not a dog because you're not a callous and evil human being that probably deserves everything he gets in this movie and then some. Right. So dog dies. Yeah. In case you don't see where we're going, he kills the dog. Like right away, like, like, fucking the guys who made Independence Day understood,

you could kill towns full of humans. You can't kill a fucking dog. Right away, this movie kills the dog. Yeah, learn from this mistakes. Exactly. And Mitt Romney's. Yeah, right. And governor Huckabee's son's mistakes.

I would have, and Josh Dougher. Jesus Christ. Google that. Governor Huckabee's son killed a dog at camp and he got fired for it because he's a psycho and he tried to cover it up and everyone remembers. And now you know that you are. All right. So we cut to six months later.

Our hero is waking up, Ted's waking up, he's having a nightmare about that time he murdered that dog six months ago. And their mornings are no longer musical montages of happiness and joy. There's no blowing kisses like there was in the beginning of this movie. Now they're this movie's weird vision of poor. Yeah. And like many Christian movies, their version of poor is living in a giant mansion with a boat jet skis and two cars, which they have not yet been able to sell, but their power has been shut off. What? Not even yet. Just the water at this point. Yeah. Right. And they like, they've been paying for cable TV. He watches TV a second later,

but they can't pay for the water. He can't get online for your TV. But yeah, that's how poverty works in this universe. They still have this gigantic fucking house, but they lack water. Train spotting wasn't about like eBay auctions going too slow to pay for your heroin addiction. So stupid. Fine. Jesus. No one has sniped this. So I guess I'll do ask to ask you. Oh, man.

So, room full of Andrews classmates just, yeah, fine. And maybe Andrew. Like not now, but like Cuvington and Burling. Yeah. Yeah. Guys and you never know. All right.

So yeah. So he turns on his TV because they've got no water, but they've got cable. And wouldn't you know it? Today they're having the Mr. Mitsky telephone about that dog that got killed six months ago. Yeah. And it's benefiting dogs who have a rough life. Nice. Rough. Nice. Let's pause and appreciate this play on words. I love. I really hope they keep going with the dog buns in this movie. They're very exciting.

They don't. They don't know. And there's this weird moment of humor where he says, I know that Mr. Mitsky is looking down on us from heaven and she goes, well, no, Mr. Mitzky was a well-known atheist. So he's a Bertrand Russell Terrier. Mr. Mitzky, just like debating and winning against William Lane Craig. Now, I can see that. Yeah, barking is actually better than yeah, and the co-hump cuspolarsum.

Yeah, it's true. Oh, yeah, but I, but I was thinking like we had already established that this was Eli but a dog. Um, so yeah, he was a well-known atheist and died young. So they really kind of just stole his personality for this movie too. Please don't make a video. Okay, but I will say, I will say though, that that atheist line that was the first time the movie made me laugh, and it wasn't the last.

There was one other. So way to go comedy. So okay, so now we check in on the wife this six months later and she's sad. She's crying about the dog thing, apparently. Yeah. Also, this is where he gets the phone call from his son and it's like, yeah, you know, I'm having a lot of trouble paying to keep you in law school. You know, I'm like, oh, that's poverty for you. You can barely pay for the seventh year of your son's law school. So I don't know that we're going to be able to help you pay for your last year of college degree. This is just like the wire. This is like basically season eight of the wire. This is just like the wire. This is like basically season eight of the wire

And it spends this movie spends so much time on this like I get the like They're unhappy and if it had been this one scene, I'd be like all right Okay, moving the plot forward, but we will spend a solid 25 minutes on just miserable people doing comedy weeping but like comedy weeping is based on timing and When someone cries for more than a minute, you're just like ah, that's uncomfortable And see no No. See. No. See. So, yeah. So she heads off to work and then he cries too because, you know, comedy crying is comes and twos.

comedy comes and twos. That's what they say, right? We should try that. Just like 30 minutes into every show. We just all cry for a minute. See how it goes. We'll try that. That's how I feel about the skeptic crap.

It's gotten so easy but so hard. So yeah, okay, so now we had to the house of Drake. This is where we're going to meet Doc and we're're gonna meet him via a door-to-door evangelist on a bicycle with a God Jesus T shirt on. Right. And he also lives in a mansion, and I wrote my notes at this point, are we gonna learn that this person is also poor with their giant mansion at the end of a field of trees,

but no, no. It's the Vine Star slash Jesus Evangelizer. Oh, is that with a, Yeah, it's the Vine Star. Oh, okay. Oh, is that who the vine star? Oh, okay. All right I thought he was the pizza delivery guy. Okay. Wow this guy who does even less in the movie holy shit. Okay So yeah, so he shows up and apparently he's supposed to be like a super evangelist. You know we get the speed cuts of him on his Bible out of his fanny pack and everything and he shows up to convert this old man. And the way he does that, as he says, if you were to die today, do you know where you would spend

eternity? And now, my response usually is, of the two of us, I feel like you're worried about the wrong one dying today, bro. You're so close to being inside my house. It would be easy to drag you in here and then legally speaking, as I understand. Anyway, so yeah, being inside my house, it would be easy to drag you in here and then legally speaking as I understand anyway. So yeah, but the old man, at least for all, like there's no reason to believe otherwise, just decides to fuck with this guy for the rest of the day. Yes. For like hours, he's like, oh, what a good question.

Why don't you come in and we all have some version of, oh, he's going to murder this kid written in our notes. And that is the only reason to fake pretend to think about this question is you're just waiting for them to sit in the chair where you can push a button and they're automatically strapped into it. I just think that I thought this was a great response to preaching, just like delay and fuck like for now on when a preacher shows up, the game is how long can I keep it going? And it's like bring him in like that'll be fun. Yeah, because I mean they give the impression

that until he answers this question, this guy's not allowed to leave. Yeah, right. If that's a fucking rule, I'm so happy that we don't know that. That's a rule. Yeah, no shit. Like the Zazzle customer support, like how they have a no hang up policy as long as you don't swear at them. That's true, by the way. You can talk to them for as long as you're adhering your sense of all of our Zazzle employees. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm telling you, that is, you can spend hours on Zazz. I can and have just been like, so what do you think of the first Star Wars man. You don't swear they can't hang up.

Just start reciting the Quran. I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing, I'll ask you about shoes in a second, but I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing. A technical support rep. So yeah, so the old guy invites the evangelist in and they have lemonade and he just sits there the whole time considering this question of, you know, if I die today, he's just going, hmm, hmm, hmm.

And again, it plays like this guy's just fucking with him. In which case, this is hilarious. But as the movie will have us believe he really is considering that question. Well, is he because at the end of the conversation, he goes, oh, no, I'm saved. I've always been saved. I'm fine. And he's like, well, then why was I sitting here? And he was like, I just fuck you. That's why. Bye. We never, we're never, we know that he was kind of messing with the kid, but we never know what the sort of purpose of it was. Well, and he should have had at least some kind of clue that maybe this guy was Christian, seeing as how his house was all decked out for Christmas. Yeah. That should have tipped you off. And then the rich guy starts just like

picking stuff up, naming the price of it and throwing it up in the air. And the crazy the vine guys just catching them. That's like the whole action of the scene. It's really what I feel like they're just like, all right, we're going to let you write one scene. And he was like, all right, I just do all my dives. All right, what the fuck is it? You know, my dives, I just keep catching stuff. What's your job, man? I'm a five-second movie star. Okay, can you do more than five seconds?

No, I don't follow. I don't follow what. Not at all. Dives, I'm gonna dive. What do you do on the sixth second? Because I shit myself the moment. Ah! And at the point here is the old guy is supposed to be realizing that like material wealth is useless. So he's like, look at this face. And by the way, these are

supposed to be huge numbers, but it is very depressing. He's like, woof. It's really 500, huh? He's like, yeah, $500. We live in the part of the country where that money is a lot. Stupid. Should have gone to bloom that.com. Yeah. Come to the base and caramel. Idiot.

Yeah, there's definitely a lack of candy in this house as we learn later. Hashtag head. Hashtag head. I don't know, we have to do that. We got a very scary email. That's how we did. We're not the very threatening. There's no festival.

The most threatening email I've ever seen with a hashtag in it. Yes. That must be nice. Tweet about gamer gate. He's go ahead, just throw one up there. You like doesn't know what that's like. Yeah. So, okay. So now we cut back to the to the male lead to the dog killer guy. And he's getting a pizza delivered. Again, this is this movies of a vision of poverty isn't that you can't afford to like have your food delivered. It's that you have to do it with a zip lock bag full of change.

Yeah. And this is where we get to the incredible pizza delivery service. So we will learn that this is actually standard. But this is called pretty good pizza. And they go, here's your pizza. It's pretty good. And the idea of an honest pizza delivery service is my everything. Just like, hey, He's your pizza. I had a slice. It's math. So, yes, we have much this cost our company. No, lower, lower. Imagine you could cut a penny into tiny pieces. That's my end for you.

That's about 30% of the cost of the food. Of the cost of the pieces is the food cost. Um, yeah, I had shit jobs, I had shit jobs too. A specific detail you had at the ready. Yeah. And that's why I was a drug dealer. I didn't say I had multiple jobs and more than one. So yeah, so they get their pizza and all three of us were not drug dealers. That is not

Not at the same time. No, that is not how you get Deal drugs together How much would people love it if they could get our drugs from us? I mean you two they could get out more drugs from us I don't We patreon goal a big Thank you. Can we Patreon go a big pack of cocaine? No, Patreon. Wow, that's a great thing, because Patreon's already probably a pyramid scheme, so we could

just add some drugs. No, let's do it. So it's the Fed. This, Jesus. Now you'll find out about those hashtags. Gold on the flags. So yeah, so then we got back to the old guy who is apparently still fucking with the evangelist dude.

Hours later. Yeah. Hours later. And this is where he confesses to the young man for the first time that his wife, who's dead, was way more awesome than him because she was a missionary and he was just a stupid doctor without borders. And like, Clef Palette, Kev, Clef Schmalette, she was the one giving out Bronze Age books on murdering witches. Yeah, that's right.

And this is when the evangelist guy says, wait a minute, you're already a Christian. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, I've been a Christian since I was a kid and he's like, oh, fuck. You literally just walked past a Christmas since I was a kid and he's like, oh fuck. You literally just walked past a Christmas tree. What are you talking about? Yeah, right. Give me a fucking break. But yeah, yeah.

So, but, but what I took from this scene is that this is a lonely old man that wanted somebody to talk to. Because then, because then the kid goes to leave and he's like, wait, wait, I can go with you. I can help you evangelize. And he's like, no, I don't want you around. And I was like, don't be an asshole. I think I was, I was, I hang out. Don't hang out with the elderly.

Don't do it. Encourage. Encourage them to not die. Yeah. Exactly. They get these in bottles of pills for a reason. Yeah. I will not apologize for this. You should use their health savings accounts. And they'd be fine. I think you're right. I think. I'll have pre-existing conditions. I think you're just jealous of those of us who are going to make it to a ripe old age. I think that's what it is. Hey, what is it? Like a 95% chance my life insurance company is right. I'm fine.

You understand statistics like a human. I'm picking Eli and celebrity deathpool next year. First off the board. Oh, I want my own page of the atheist yearbook, just me with my hands on my chin. What are you worth? 70 points this year. I'm totally picking you. Nice.

Yeah. So now we, we got to the doctor's office where this doctor works and apparently the wife, Josie, Ted's wife, is his assistant. But they're still deathbritly poor. Like can't turn their lights on, can't have water, can't eat more than one meal a day poor. Right, right. Yeah, they're just about eating dog food themselves.

But yes, she works as a assistant in a doctor's and doctor's office apparently has done that for years and years. Also this is where we meet Victoria Jackson. She has a little cameo in here. She's not irrelevant. She's still in direct to YouTube releases in 2017, y'all. Who is that? She's the star of those CPAC things. They're really good comedian. They get a tea party. She was on Saturday night live when I was a kid. So yeah, she did weekend update. She would stand on her head and do poetry.

We can update. Yeah. We can update. Well, yeah, she was like, she was not part of it. She wasn't the anchor. It's Miller with the back. But yeah, SNL was just four high pseudo celebrities and John George Carlin, John Belushi. George Carlin was not. He hosted the first one. He hosted the first one. Yeah. He was all cooked out. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, remember when those guys were on drugs? Are you telling me? Remember when the Saturday Night Live cast was on drugs, are you telling? Remember when the Saturday night live cast was on drugs back in the day, Keenan is straight edge. I'm just kidding. He probably does a lot of drugs because that's what I would do. So, I mean, he's a lot like Eli. So, yeah. So if Victoria Jackson is here, she's a lot like Eli. So yes, so Victoria Jackson is here. She's a patient and she has lost her sense of smell.

She has weird, that disease. And she's, she's quite tore up about it because she's a scented candle maker and that's super sad. And they play that for comedy for nine minutes. Oh, man. And she's, it's also they work in weird Republican jokes to this. She's like, why not take my site? Why not take my hearing? That way I wouldn't have to watch Chris Matthews. Uh huh. Good shot. Chris Matthews here. This movie will be peppered with quote unquote Republican humor. There'll be a shot at Obama later and just general like, wink, wink, like my truck.

Don't run humor. And this is the first of those jokes where you were like, uh, Christian movie. I get it. They're trying to be funny, adorable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So while B.J.S. is going for it, like just, just, just fucking lay a nuggets

of comedy gold. She's screaming that she lost her sense of smells like, like Nicholas Cage losing his sense of yelling and screaming. It's so weird. So, and while she's doing that, the doctor explains to the wife, the Josie that he had an epiphany last night and he's going to sell all of his stuff and start a Christian horse riding camp for inner city rural kids. Because if you have any city rural kids need, it's the ability to ride a horse. That'll pretty much solve the problems for those inner. Yeah. So yeah, exactly. During this conversation, he says,

you know, I got all this stuff sitting at the house, where's the fortune? My wife's jewelry alone is worth half a million dollars. And she gets the high-stee I at that point. Plot established. Absolutely. All right. So now we're going to cut back to Ted, who's back at that same bagel shop, and now he doesn't have enough money to buy his muffin. Go to the supermarket. What the fuck? If you're poor, you're buying $7 coffee at the store. Don't fuck yourself. If my wife had HIV and we had $3 left, I would spend it on a peppermint mocha.

You hear me? A peppermint mocha. You hear me? A peppermint mocha. I get you, Ted. I get you. It's the little things. Hope it comes with real milk when that happens. I'll have to deal with it. I'll have to deal with it.

That would be awesome. So, yeah, so he can't buy us muffin, but wouldn't you know what that fat kid from pequads shows up and and buys him is muffin. And then everyone starts barking at him because the entire town loved that dog and they're going to like linchip right here in the coffee shop. Yeah. Yes. To the sound of them barking. And really weird. I mean, I get what they're going for here, you know, oh, it's so funny. He's the pariah and everybody hates him and everything. It's just like, but yeah, but is everyone also in a cult together that just meets at this coffee shop because

everyone is wearing a dog bone pin or hair. So again, like everyone is simultaneously morning this dog six months after it has died. And that's like three and a half years ago in dog diet. Yeah, right. Fucking relax. So okay. So meanwhile back at home, she gets there, he's grilling dinner. And that's another one of their great humor points because they don't have power anymore. He has to grill the hungry man dinners on the grill outside.

Get it because they're poor because this movie needed at least 12% more of this couple just hating the fuck out of each other. Yeah. Yeah. Just hating the again again, like again, short term, I get that that's comedy, but this is a solid half of the movie is just like, I hate you. I fucking hate you. Yeah, no, we go a good 30 minutes with that before they finally get to, like, oh, because the marriage is, yeah, right. Oh, God, Jesus, everything was too long in this movie.

This is where we learn about her minute of crying every morning, too. Yeah. I wanted them to bond over that. Just like I cry for a minute. I do that too. I quit for the minute. So much.

Calvin, let's, we be sex together every morning for a minute. Do that at the same time? No, it's fine. Okay. You go, you go 7.30. Let's alternate. All right. It'd be fun.

So they're sitting there enjoying their hungry man dinner and she says like, I have a plan to make all our money problems go away and I wanted him so badly, be like, finally, okay. So I think blowing should be 40 because like nobody jumped off the floor, but then we do around the world for a hundred because like, look, you can get the money out of the ATM

and you're paying for sex. It's not like you're on a fucking butt. What what what? What did you have? What did you do? What were you saying? She's like, no, I want a rob, but dying man. And he's like, ah, well, but he can't go first from now on. We both have an idea. You always go first. So yeah, but he can't take a fucking hint because she's like my boss is gonna die soon. Doesn't have anyone to leave his stuff to it. His wife had half a million dollars of jewelry And he's like so I could get a job polishing it

What I for like yeah, if we're several minutes, just like, no, because if what if something should happen to his jewelry, what, what like an earthquake? No, no, just yeah, I'm going to tell him where to steal it. We could catch them and get a reward. What are the fuck is the matter? I don't know. I was really just good at killing dogs. Should have been around in the 1700s. I feel like I could have made a much better living in it than. So yeah. And then, and then were they killing dogs back then? A lot more than that. Was that a job when you were a kid?

It's a job in the 1800s dog, well dog torture or to death was a job back then. 1800s, 17. What the fuck? Yeah. How did that come about? You can't just throw that out, Mary. Let's finish revealing this move. Who was like, we need a guy for this. Why are you the desert? I'm proud of all the freelance doors.

I'll tell you what, look for an upcoming episode of Citation Needed to Explain That. Because it would be way too much of a diversion right now, but yeah, no, that was a job. All right, just live your life knowing that you used to be a job. So, at some point, everyone gathered together in a lot of towns and was like, all right, we need a guy for this.

This is going to be Dave. You're the best at it. I don't want to want to. I just do it as a hobby. I feel like if I do it for work, it's a magic away. Now there's a job for explaining this process. Also 150 years later, we created it. Yeah, that's what I do. All right. So,

yeah, so she recommends Robin the boss. And he's, he gets in on the, the all eventually, or whatever. And then all of a sudden, there's a bizarre human there. I need a minute. I need a minute. Imagine the Hawaiian punch logo got gout. I had Kim Davis with a beard. He's very Kim Davis with a beard. He's the craziest. I mean, I already used human Christmas tree and that's pretty much as great as I'm ever

going to do. He's the craziest looking human I've ever seen. And I want to say he makes it worse. Like look, if you're a big fatty fat fat, maybe not ahead of shoulder length red hair, right? Maybe you get people haircut so that you don't look like the muppet from Muppet Christmas Carol that play the ghost of Christmas present. You know what I'm saying?

Like there is a thing. So people buzz it all the way down and study show that's attractive actually. So just saying. Yeah, I mean, I think of a color reverse Santa, right? The beard is red, but the face is white, but also trying. Imagine if Unit and Pizza Crust in the couch had a spirit human. This would be it spirit human. So you know Kevin Smith at his biggest, imagine if Dwight true ate him. He talks like that too. He does talk a lot like Dwight. He looks like all seven dwarves like touched fingers and said a magic word at the same time. Like a spruva. There's a halfway between Rain Wilson and Rebel Wilson. Rain the middle.

Yeah. Holy shit. This human. So yeah, so all of a sudden he's on the couch and wants in on the paper. Yep. And they don't want to let him, but he gives them his puppy eyes and his puppy eyes are the most disturbing thing ever. Honestly, ladies, download up MP3 file of this guy giving puppy eyes and just hold it up. If you're ever assaulted, you will kill a dick faster than a chemical castration. ACC, this, honestly, I could get a poster of this on my wall and never be robbed again. Where's it a t-shirt and walk through the fields of Detroit just ending krypton blood dominance?

That's a stupid joke. There's no people in Detroit. There's people to have gangs of people. You know, he's on the eugenics board. We got him, everybody. But I need your own name. Did it. And you did it. God awful genetics. Starting next week.

See, I told you only nine episodes left. One hundred and one episode is God awful races. This week's episode, what race will we be breaking down today? We watched Chinese people. Well, if you love people who are only killing, but you hate being able to tell people apart, you're the one who's right. Thanks Noah, you know what race I hate. people apart. You This race. Thanks Noah, you know what race I think?

This really is going to be the last episode. I mean, not on purpose. But iTunes will see to that. Holy shit. There's another scene after this. Guys, let's do this next scene. Holy shit. I'm called the bug of pegacon

I'm not IQ scores time for more pizza here then the movie happens so now the old guy gets a pizza from the same pretty good pizza guy. And Jesus Christ is so hard to wind down now. And he tries to evangelize to the pizza guy and the pizza guy luckily reacts exactly the way all of us did when we had delivery jobs, which is just like nah.

Yeah. Yeah. I know I get you're giving me a good tip here, but if I was really worried about the money, I wouldn't be doing this. What do I, I just want a job where I can smoke weed. He offers him, this is real, $100 to come in and watch a Billy Graham video.

And the guy's just like, nah, nah, nah. That's not, accepting bribes is a pathway to heaven. That's her theology. And he's like, hmm, that's not very good. Do you have a podcast? Yeah, a couple of years. Give me a minute. Well, this is where I started to believe that the pizza guy was truly the hero of the story because like he's like, oh, you know, there's some twerp at a Jesus save shirt already got

to me. And he's like, oh, did he gets all my best customers? He's like, yeah, he gave me this. He pulls out a chick track and I'm thinking to myself, God, where is this hellhole that I must like Take my own life should I ever find myself in root to it? Right where you can't get from your pizza place to the your fucking delivery without being Evangelized to twice are they in Veldosta, Georgia? They're in Tennessee, right? So close. No, yeah, I guess so. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. So the pizza guy leaves and then we got like the husband and wife and the mucci, who is her brother, I guess, showing up to do

the highest. One of the bike guys to start harass asking the robber family right here. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. You get executed tonight. What would you do if you died tonight? Yeah.

Yeah. They're dressed like robbers and moochie is dressed like thug life Batman. He looks like the podcast fat man on Batman came to life again. Kevin Smith. He's all dressed up like Batman He's huge. He's wearing these ridiculously big basketball shorts that are down to his I he looks like Eli wearing my shorts He does yeah, he does I don't know which I have back now I will reclaim them right fully mine or poison his girlfriend

You you act like you know where those shorts are. You just seem so confident that you are in possession of them now. So at any rate, so moving on. So the, so they show up to get into this guy's house and they have this like weird, like they're obviously trying to make Mucci into the goofball character. So they have this desperate effort to make this trip from their car to the front door funny. Yeah, it's not though. Like again, this is the wacky comedy part that just really drags in this movie. He's like, I brought lockpicks wacky. I brought none shucks wacky. he's like, oh, wow, that's a new bit. The squeaky shoes joke. But he can't take him off because he's feet are stinky. Oh, stinky foot jokes, even more original.

She wanted to say, she can't talk about stuff that matters. That's right. I wanted this to keep going until he's naked. Just like, dude, your shirt is making the violin plucking noise. I'm not going to say that. I wanted this to keep going until he's naked. Just like, dude, you're sure it is making the violin plucking noise every time you. I did not want that to happen at all. I want that to happen.

I'm very curious about Mochise penis. Big is beautiful. Also, I want to say, okay, so their plan here to Rob this guy was, you know, we'll wait until night where you'll be taking his sleeping pills and then we'll break in. She works at the thing that he works at and her husband has no job, right? Like when she, when, when she could verify that he was out of his home for hours at a time, seems like the time for the robbery. I am to robbery as he is to rape.

Apparently, I thought this through a little more than the movie. We should rob people if podcasting ever goes wrong. I'll be the moochie. You can be the Noah and he will be the other moochie. We have two moochies. So this is why they got rid of the analogies on the SATs. I don't really. So not really valuable anybody.

I took those. So did I. They let anybody take them. Yeah. Yeah, but it sucks now because they like they changed the maximum score. So my score sounds stupid now. You know, it used to sound good, but now it doesn't sound good anymore. So yeah, so they have a long bunch of fat guy has

non-shocks jokes. Also, he steals some toilet paper because this old guy has really good toilet paper. Oh, triple ply cotton. Now that is the best. That is good toilet paper. Yeah, exactly. At this point, I just have written in my notes. Christian comedy is way worse than Christian rape apology. Well, yeah, right. Cause they're doing this whole bit where like, oh, did that. They made it a little bit of a noise. Was that too loud? No, no, that wasn't too loud. Oh, they made another noise. So this culminates in this like, oh, he's standing over the piano. Oh, he's got the nun juxtaposed. Nunchucks, piano, nun juxtaposed. And then he falls down and knocks something over. It's just like, what were you setting up with the self of the vase? He played He's got the nun chucks, nun chucks, piano, nun chucks, and then he falls down and knocks something over.

It's just like, what were you setting up with the self of the vase? He played knocks over a gong. It starts a bowling ball rolling. That wakes up a dubstep PJ, who like turns on system, all that. It's so good. But yeah, they set up something and then it totally doesn't play out because he's got the nun chucks and the, it's like he walks over to this giant stack of glasses and then he's just like,

just started on the horse. I'm sorry, I didn't want it. I feel like it should have had to do with the glasses. Oh, that might have woke him up. Yeah. So, yeah, right. So the doctor wakes up, the security system kicks in. Now, he's got this.

He's remembering a time he walked up to a stack of glasses and said that. And this is killing him. So anyway, so the security system kicks it. Now they will sort of explain this later, but apparently this guy has one of those security systems that locks you in with the burgers. Yeah, also known as a kidnapping system. That's the other thing. Not exactly security. No, yeah, exactly. Like I said, they do at least make an effort to go back and explain why this is later in the movie. But 40 minutes later, yeah. Now we just have a kidnapping house. Yeah. Right. Exactly. And we see the old guy like watching on the cameras from upstairs

and he goes, he says to himself, hold on a second. This here's a salvation pinata and I'm going to break one of you open. That's such a weird thing to say, isn't it? Like said, the good guy in this movie, he's, yeah, he's going to lynch these people. Thank you for a tree and get you a stick and tell you love Jesus. Yeah. And look, there are plenty of scenes like this that make perfect fucking sense if this is a dark comedy, right? Like if this guy tries to kill them or or like the if the joke is that they've been kidnapped

by this horrible man, and they're not sure what he's going to do. A lot of this movie suddenly makes sense. It's not that. No, the vast amount of this movie is that it is a wise and generous decision to kidnap people and trap them in your home and force them to love Jesus and change religions. That is, that is a positive message of this movie. Yep. Yep. Exactly. That is the positive. That is the affirmative message of this film. Yeah. So anyway, so now they're trying to find a way to sneak out so they wonder down into the basement, where wouldn't you know what? This guy has 60 trillion karate trophies. And look, I can't promise you much, but there is no human less dangerous than a human with

lots of karate trophies. On, there is nothing unless the only thing that karate trophies do is give you the ability to throw a karate trophy at another person. And they're generally pretty weak. They'd break apart pretty easy. I was really hoping the doctor was going to do one of those like karate dad demo things. Like, alright, give me a wrist. Okay, see how I'm controlling your wrist now?

I'm dominating you because you had a mere wrist. Alright, throw a punch. Throw a punch. Can't do it. First go, first go. No. And then I'll go. And then you, then you go like all the time.

I mean, all the time. Just in front of my face. My 11 year old nephew just got his black belt. It sounds like a legit amount. That's not dojo there. just got his black belt. You know, so like a legitimate dojo there. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it's one of those very impressive feats. There are three real martial arts and they all make you act real gay. So it's not one of those. It's three real martial arts. There is no butt fucking martial art Eli. You've been lied to the absolute.

What's the interest you for 12 seconds to tell me a dick doesn't occasionally go into a butt. You are a liar. Okay, but not in a gay way. I think you're exactly an amazing. What the hell? Also, by the way, in this scene, we get one, one more of those like Republican jokes. They're like, they're down there and

he sees them on their security camera and he's got a PA system and he's yelling at him. He's like, you know, stop robbing me. They're like, Oh, we're not robbing you. We're just redistributing your wealth. Just put all your political stuff together and get it out of the way here. Like taxation is theft. Christian good. Chris Matthews is stupid. Just like, but his finish was great for chili. Like, yeah. Get it all out. Yeah. So the doctor comes down to where they are. And you know, he's like, all right, yo, we're going to have to have a tug now. Take off these here, masks, ears, and the fat guy, Mucci sneaks up on him. Now you think Mucci would take out the nunchucks here. He kind of doesn't and instead just runs

up on him. And of course, like they keep focusing on the eight million karate trophy. So you're like, oh, the old guy's going to kick his ass. But no, the old guy just kind of moves out of the way and pushes him. So like the like the like the like imagine if the fucking power rangers fight was that they went and go out got the principle, you know, I think

that's the setup. Would I love power rangers if all the villains were moochie? Yes, I would. I don't think we need the zord. He seems like heart disease is going to do it.

Sure, you don't want to put that? Yeah, I feel like involving a robot tiger in this would be unfair. Why don't we just jog to the top of a hill? That did it. So, yeah, so he throws moody around. And he goes, I'm just redistributing your health zing. I am John Gauntlet go fuck yourself. It doesn't even make. We show redistribute health obvious. Jesus Christ. It doesn't even make sense unless you're making sense with it, which is not what

this will be intended to do. Yeah. Jesus Christ would literally want us to redistribute health. I'm just saying. Yeah. No, he pretty much like the whole book. That's well not really. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Exactly. The few good parts of the book that you pretend exists. It's the one that I'm sure exactly. Yeah. Everything you cherry pick agrees with me. Fuck you. Right. So, so he orders him upstairs to go have some tea with him. This is where we get the second instance of this hilarious quirk that Mucci's character likes to take things out of things when he's nervous can't wait to see that again. What a character.

Really wanted to be like, oh me too snatches I out. See, I'm funny. I was fat to be even funnier, right? Right? Something fat again. Fatty. I just had a pretty major flashback in high school. A lot of stage directions like that.

Yeah. Yeah. And now, without fitting, I don't know, I kind of ran out of outfits guys. I was just, it was just gonna be my dick, so. Yeah. Don't wanna see my dick. Whatever, he brings a change of clothes.

And some eating utensils. There's nothing funny about like sweating, emergency meals. These are real things. So. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm sure he's going for bearded, or male loaf. So. They're all sitting around having tea. And the old guy's turns to him and he goes, if y'all died tonight, do you know where you'd

go? And of course, like the guys at the table consider this a death threat. Now, I would react to the same way death threat or no, even if I knew it was evangelism. Yeah. Which again, they react normally and he's like, no, no, no, no, no, I was just wanting I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time.

I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time.

I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time.

I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. I thought I'd run out of time. You just have a key hidden in them and you hand me a butcher knife, please. Please. So yeah, no, instead it's even worse. They decide to have Christmas together. So they go to his Christmas room, Oh, terrifying. Yeah, I got if this is a dark comedy about an insane person that like is going to kill them at the end of this, this makes perfect sense. Yeah, it's enormous. You know, it's a great reason for taxing rich people, enormous nativity rooms. Yeah, and man. Oh my God. Yeah, boy, they make a good

argument for that in this movie. So, yeah, so he comes in and he's like, I think we should all listen to the story of Christmas. And Ted goes, I think we've all heard the story of Christmas and he goes, well, why don't you tell it to us now? You can use my action figures. I mean, I'm the same person in this movie. I have action figures for Joseph and Mary at the ready in July. I'm the Prototagonist. No, but I will say like the bit where they have him telling the story again actually made me laugh out loud. That was the second and last time I think that the movie

managed that. Yeah, he starts to it Rapunzel. He doesn't know what to do. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I wrote my notes. I'm like, damn it. He likes to stop picking good movies. And then I wrote, oh my God, this is how bad it is. This is good to me now. Right? All the movies are going be good now. I'm gonna be going like, I feel like you guys are not really giving loving the bad man a chance. There was some, like, would you think about it like as far as cinematography go,

sticky is hard to pull off. And they managed that. In this skill from one to I cried it fast in the Furious 8, this job has changed my life. So yeah, so at threat of going to jail, he reads the Christmas story out of the Bible instead. And then the old guy gives them all pictures of him and his wife. And isn't that a weird threat? Like, I'm going to imprison you here for the next four days. Don't make me call the cops.

Isn't that? Aren't you? So, which of us is broken more laws now? Yeah, that's the thing is that this movie seems to be completely unaware of the fact that kidnapping people for Jesus is also illegal, more so even than unarmed burglary. Yeah. This movie and my favorite porn are unaware of the order of importance of crime. Well, you stole that shirt. Someone really got that joke and a bunch of people are like,

I don't understand. He likes this. The weird stuff on their show, but the guy who gets the joke, you get it. I get it. Yeah. It's not a girl. And now it's time to have Easter, apparently. So they go to his Easter room. I will. I feel like a Valentine's Day sex dungeon should be next if we're going from Christmas. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, tell the story of St. Valentine with these fuck dolls. Now. They should have had to drop off in the bar for a for a St. Patty's day room. Yeah. No, that would be. I would say it's whatever. So now banish these real snakes I have in this other room.

Yes, they're unbelievable. So it's been accused of that often. I heard people have it tough, whatever need not apply. Do I need to remind you of how hard it was for us? We look different in the classical liberal. So you were all a bunch of dog torturers just traveling. But hoping to make a living in the 1700s. 18.

I think there's, yeah, 18. Yeah, so, okay, so, but I'm their way to the Easter room. There's a ring on the doorbell and it's the police stopping in because he's rich in white. Yeah, they're like, yes, and some people have said that we need a scene where I'm here. Yeah, the actual excuse is he's just like, yeah, it was driving by and I saw your lights were on. So I decided to check up on you.

I figured, you know, the people in the inner city part of town were going to be doing fine. But you with the lights at 11 while he is talking to the cops like Mucci and the wife hide down below and he has to hide like in this weird fire pole circle thing that's above. Yeah. Who knows what this is. But they have a face making contest at each other and look, I didn't laugh at a lot of this movie, but Mucci making faces made me weep with

last really funny. I don't think this guy meant to be as funny as he was. But like, if this actor wants to call me and be like, Hey man, I'll make faces on Skype for 80 bucks an hour. We have a customer. I'm the same. So yeah, so as they're doing that, the old guy runs the cops off and this apparently for this makes Ted mad.

Now not because he's like, you know, why didn't we tell the cops that we were being kidnapped and held against our will, but rather because he's like, what are you doing not turning us in for Robin you? Are you just messing with us? So this is the part where they order him into the closet, but it just so happens, it keeps escaping. Yeah. This is the closet with all of those tricky trap doors in it. I want to be a black lady from war room to come out one time when he escapes just like, oh, sorry wronged movie. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

You also has a secret stash of like random food and drinks in this secret closet just so he can like casually walk out in a funny way like June and Apple all of a sudden and then get a glass of cold. He's you should judge him for that. Whatever. So yeah, so the entire cake or in the closet, but he keeps getting out and tee he he once that scenes over, um, we can cut to the next morning where like apparently they've spent the night now and they wake up to Billy Graham videos.

And I thought to my start of thinking to myself at this point, oh my God, in that opening scene where the dog died, actually he got no a racquet died and this has been hell the whole time. But that's not where we're going. I'm just going to tell you in advance. No. So early in the morning, the doctor wakes up the wife, the Josie, and he says, hey, put this on. This is my wife's old jacket. She's like, why is it? Because I like you to look like dead people wear it. I said, oh, he's going to make her put on. He goes, we're going to go out to the bar and

I'm like, okay, he's going to make her put on his dead wife's clothes so he can make her fuck a horse. I get finally this movie makes sense. Here we go. Okay, so like if you Read this whole scene as him trying to get her to fuck the horse and wear a skin mask. What? This Dic cream this scene makes makes complete fucking sense. So okay So now we learned earlier in the movie that she had a bad experience on a horse and doesn't like horses and, and he basically calls her out for being a horse racist and wants her to like get on, get back on that horse and try again. But again, if you look at this as him hinting very broadly that he wants her to fuck the horse, the scene's a lot more fun. He's like, oh, Iris, who's close you're wearing loved horses. You get it? She loved horses. Even physically. And

they love her. And she's like, fine, I'll try riding it. And he's like, yeah, that too. That's for a little ride around the field. Fucking God damn it. And again, like if he was about to show her to this horse, this would be a great scene. This would make perfect fucking sense. It plays like that. Where there are a lot of people in the 1800s who had so people to horses. No, I'm not aware of that. I've got to wait for the episode.

So yeah. And of course, this is where he has to have that whole like, you know, I realized I've wasted my whole life saving lives with my doctorate when I should have just been evangelized in Jesus. I did very much identify with the everyone loves your wife and just tolerates you. Conversation though. Yeah. Yeah. No, I've had that experience. Most people didn't even notice I was there and they were like, you work in radio, right? And I was like, yeah, it's like radio.

Can I buy it? I mean, we do a, it's like Kickstarter, but they get stuff for it. Don't people get stuff? I don't want to talk about it. Did you just lick my neck? Yeah. So yeah, so once the movie is done explaining

that doctors are a waste of time compared to people with Jesus pamphlets, we now go back to, well, no, I'm sorry, now we get their horse riding scene where they bond. Yeah, and this is where we get the like, the rich have it hard talk that they have. And she's like, well, how hard can life be if you're rich? And he's like, describe your husband's dick for me.

Because this movie definitely wants to make the argument of like, it's not always easy being rich. And I'm like, in comparison to being poor, like on aggregate, do we think that the rich and the poor are really living the same life? Yeah, I mean, well, another thing too is that like it's a rich person turning to a more rich person going, I don't know, seems like money solves all the problems in the world. Yeah. So, I mean, it's done. I'm still going to be wrong.

Yeah, they do pretty much. You know, my husband murdered a dog and has no money now and he sucks. And it was better before. Yeah. And that's true, by the way, that is true. I mean, if you think it's not, you just don't have enough money. Try having before. Yeah. And that's true, by the way. That is true. I mean, if you think it's not, you just don't have enough money. Try having money.

Yeah. That's right. Have a more money. Think money can't buy. It absolutely can buy that. Yeah, no, that's just the thing people with money tell people without money so that they won't want their money quite as bad. Yeah.

No, money definitely buys happiness. So, yeah. So, head to patreon. Yeah. No, money definitely buys happiness. So yeah. So headgrain.com. You can buy us some happiness. Yeah. Are you enjoying this episode? You pieces of I'm the only one here who's high today. Jesus. So anyway, and of course we have to have the moment where like the husband wakes up and sees that the wife who like, you know, their kidnap, she's just out riding horses and stuff. And then the doctor comes in and she's all excited and she's like, I wrote a horse. I've always been afraid of horses.

Now I can ride a horse. He's like, did you ride it to the police station to tell them we've been kidnapped? And we're supposed to be as an audience like, oh, come on. I'm his dead wife. We were doing a thing. I had a mask. I'm a dick. I'm gonna be rude ruin his fantasy. He hasn't been that hard in years, Ted. You're being a real jerk about it. Well, and it's just seen really plays that like she's like, I don't know. I kind of didn't feel like it would be so tingling to be kidnapped, but I know, but I get spanked. Right. And he's like, well, look, I need you to manipulate him to let him go.

And she's like, I would never manipulate him. And it's like, weren't you willing to rob him of his dead wife's jewels seven seconds? Yeah. But manipulation is fun. That was before he started holding us hostage. So it's yeah, now in my and her response, by the way, is well, maybe you could talk to Doc. He could give you some tips on being a real man. And he goes, what is that supposed to mean? I'm like, yeah, what is that

supposed to mean? That means fucking content. Only way to solve this. Absolutely fucking contest. I just so wanted a flash cut to, oh, okay. That's why they say it's a man and a boat. He's at the front of the boat. I was just like, what the fuck? What does that even mean?

It's a bad metaphor. All right. Now, clean this mango and I'll let you go. Jesus. Now clean this mango and I'll let you go Chau is tired. Well, don't use your jaw then Move the whole body just move the whole move the day chew and gum Yeah, a lot of ways this move I feel like the deleted scenes in this movie were amazing So you have your but in the butthole and little jabs bam bam bam.

I threw in some bad advice there at the end because I know we have some young listening. So it's like two major to just have this girlfriend in the butthole. You killed it by pointing that out now. But you shouldn't have told them which of those pieces of advice were bad. We could delete it. I don't need to know. So of course, now the key here though is that this is where like Ted has to have his, I murdered Mr. Midskin.

It was all my fault. And I'm a loser moment where he has to like come to grips with how bad it's gotten. And Doc's gonna help fix the marriage forwards crest of the labia. It's like money. It can create happiness. Yeah. Or do the jabbing thing. It's one of the things that's more than I said or the jabby thing. You have a 50 50 chance of being able to try the second one. So now that we can all rest knowing that Josie has overcome her fear of horses, I suppose the tension is relaxed enough for us to take a quick break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will they return moochie to the sea so they can swim with his family once more? Will the pizza delivery

guy mow down the kid and then she's a shirt and a fit of drunken rage? If you died today, do you know where you would go? Fight out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the rest of the script conclusion of heaven bow. Honesty pizza. How can I take your order? It's fine. Oh, okay. I like to order a large with pepperonian olives and a medium plain pizza. Okay. Great. That's a medium amount of empty calories and a tremendous amount of empty calories. And will you be coming to pick that up or are you so divorced from your ancestors that you need someone to literally bring it to your home to prevent you from walking?

The second one. Great. Okay. What about some sugar? Do you like to reward yourself from eating a meal like a baby or a crazy person? Yeah, I guess that sounds good. Fantastic. Would you like cinnamon or chocolate flavored sugar? Chocolate definitely. And would you like to add liquid sugar to that? You have diet? We do have fake liquid sugar.

Would you like too much to drink in one sitting or nearly a gallon? Again, the second one, I guess. Excellent. Great. So your total will be low enough to trap the poor and to relying on this. And it should be there in as long as it takes three stone teenagers to make it and a drug dealer to drive it there. Okay. Hate honesty pizza. Really weird.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to start things off with Doc taking everybody downstairs to see his previously unthinkably large collection of Christian movies. I just want to say his collection of Christian movies is smaller than if we owned all the ones we've watched on this show. Let's just deal with that. We could we could compete. Yeah, I mean, there was a time when I want to see this and I mean, there can't possibly be that many Christian movies. But now I know what they were willing to call a movie and there can.

And they make a big joke about like they all have the word grace and that like we, how many movies have we done with the word grace in them? A bunch. A bunch. Yeah. Well, Grace Cabab, Grace Stu, We've done several. Yeah. All holds filled with hard grace. I mean, but but also he's got he's what he has his movies categorized by keyword. How is that possible? Because he's reading through them. They don't all start with grace.

I'm like, how is goodness, grace is in grace instead of goodness. Come on, guys. Autobiographical. Oh, but then the movie throws us a fucking bone. Just when we're starting to think, yeah, I don't know what we're going to say. Then he says, if you can't watch this movie with a with a dry eye, or if you can watch this movie with a dry eye, then you have no heart. And all of us wrote, oh, we have no heart because the movie in question is fireproof. Fireproof. Amazing. Yeah, fireproofs, apparently the Brian's song of Christian movie.

Not really. That's what they aspire to be is fireproof. Jesus. Yep. So they watch fireproof and they're all crying at the end like, what's your care and game for that? No facts, chicken. I just can't. Facts do ruin chicken. It's so beautiful. She is his property. Oh my chickfully at that movie, by the way. Yeah, yeah. And it translates to this one.

Yep. So they all watch Fireproof together. They all get weepy over it. And then we get this bizarre Jesus-fun montage where even this movie has to admit, not as all it's pretty fucking boring, does it? It's pretty awful. Yep. They play the heavenbound board game, which I googled and Israel.

Well, not what they're playing there. There is a board game called heavenbound, but it's like a biblical trivia game. So like the game they're playing there is not real, unfortunately. Otherwise, we would have been probably doing a God awful board games episode. I thought it was like a shoots and ladders thing, like a Calvinist board game. Just like, I love it. I have no control over this. Oh, yeah. And so, and, and, and like this whole montage, like it's, it's them playing Christian board games and reading Christian books and talking scripture. And this is the point in which like the movie becomes Self-aware

Yeah And starts beating us to some of our own jokes Honestly like any minute I was expected to hear like bingo and I look over and moochies on my couch with a crystal movie All right, you bring food your damn're damn right. I brought food. All right, moochie. You have memory. Let's chuck. Let's chuck bro. Just going to crawl out of the screen at the end and hit me in the face with jingly keys.

Moochie. So, yeah. So they sing some songs and color some Jesus coloring books together. And then they wrap up the montage by admitting that a board game based on salvation would be really, really stupid. And then Ted gets the idea that since it's a Christian movie and being saved is just pretending maybe they should pretend to be saved and then he'll let them go. And I love how they have to like talk this out in the movie, right? Like that's an idea they have to have and describe to us.

Trust me, I already have my planned fake salvation for when Noah dies and me and Heath have to do our Christian podcast. It's not that hard. It is not that. Oh, yeah, you're all going to keep listening when the diatribe is me wanting about Dave Rubin. No, no, I'm going to the other side, mother fucker. Sorry, my funny nature is no, no, no, nice try. We all know who the glue is.

No one wants to listen to a podcast with me. Oh, I want to listen to a podcast. Yeah, that's why there is one. That's true. So yeah, so so that he goes to moochie and he's like, okay, moochie, you have to pretend to be saved so that, you know, so it goes, because you know, at this point, they would trust moochie with this part of the plan apparently. So he gives him a chick track and he goes, they'll memorize this and come back and and and pretend to be saved. Now, you know, what being saved is supposed to look like. And this is where I could no longer ignore the fact that Mucci is heath. Right? Because like, he comes in and there's a sandwich there.

And it's a pretty good look at sandwich. It looks amazing. It looks really good. It looks like a good sandwich. And he gets excited about that sandwich in a way that I've only seen animals and heath get excited about food. cartoons animals and he's the cartoon character. So yeah, we had the same way you wave it around. There's a steam of smoke that he just follows floats along behind it. So it's how we're getting him to Seattle just putting a sandwich on a plane. So, so Mucci eats a pickle and pretends to choke.

It has to get him linked and then he pretends he was in hell for nine seconds. Now, there's a way to make this brilliant comedy, right? Like if they just followed along with the nine seconds in hell, Chick-Track and that was the story that they tried to enact from this point on, it's fucking hilarious. And it starts hilarious until he starts trying to make it funny. Yeah. Nine, nine seconds of eternal damnation is like, sounds like fun, actually. You just get to like, check it out and then leave it would be warm. Yeah. I'm always cold. And then again, we get the Republican joke slipped in here at the end. It's like, Lady Gaga was the music and the view was always on. And it's like,

dude, have you seen your TV and have you heard your music? I mean, we're watching one of your movies now. Don't take shot for fuck's sake. Don't take shot of more music. Right. Don't pretend you ask like, don't like our fucking music. That's all we've got. So yeah, so the, but, but, but he gets too crazy with his hell description. So the doctor figures him out and gets all mad because he thinks they're making fun of him. Yeah. The doctor knows he's faking. He's like, you would have mentioned the guy with stained glass face. You would were really, you would have seen him in nine. How many zero is trying to pull a spear out of yourself or something when you woke up? I've seen this. I have all

the Christian movies downstairs. So she runs off to apologize to their kidnapper for not being nice enough in their plan to get free. Yes. Yeah. So he gets all pissy with him and he's like, y'all, I've been super nice about this here, kidnapping. I've got you on security tapes. I could have gave to the police at any time, but I didn't. Because they're in grateful hostages. This is ridiculous, right?

Well, I ask to imprison you for a nice long weekend. Got tapes of every, yeah, again, he doesn't understand that kidnapping three people is worse than like a single B&E again with no weapons. Yeah. Yeah. No, it doesn't work that way. So he storms off and then Ted goes, we need to find those security tapes who will never be free.

And Mochie's like, can I eat my sandwich first? And everyone's like, no. Like what the fuck? Let him eat the sandwich. He's hung. He's a big guy. It's already made. It's going to just now. So stupid. You can eat a sandwich while you walk down. It's a big one. God damn sandwich and leave it there for extra time. It's going to get soggy if the pickles next to it. Yeah, right.

The bread anyway. So Mouji doesn't get a sandwich. They had out to find the tapes and this is where they come across the teddy bear room. But this elderly gentleman also has. Yep. Terrifying. Well, there's lots of perfectly normal adults of legal consenting age. You have rooms full of bears. It's fine.

I mean, you don't know. As a man, there's so many of them is decorated in pug poster and statues like, I don't think I ever get to judge anyone whose collection doesn't involve dead animals. Yeah. I think it's weird. So, so that so Mugyan Ted get into a bear fight, obviously, which looks fun as fuck. I would love to get in a bear fight. No, it does. Yeah. I would not bear fight. No, no, it would throw too hard. You could just tell. It's a hard thrower. He'd hit you and pretend he was hitting you with a bear, but it would just. Or it's surprising when show up in a furry costume and you're just like, oh, okay. No, I get it. So no, you guys got me figured out.

Yeah, but this is also where they figure out that the jewels they were there in a rub were in the bear the whole time. So he steals some of the jewels, not all of them though. He doesn't want to steal his half million dollars for the jewelry. He just wants to steal this necklace from Zales with the chocolate diamonds. It looks nice. Yeah, these jewels could not look less worth $500,000. Costume jewelry, there's like plastic skeletons hanging up. tin hanging up. That tinsel?

No. No. No. It's not as diamonds, string diamonds. Yeah. So, and meanwhile, while they're doing this doc and Josie, you're looking over old photographs so that we can have this great little racist moment. Yeah.

Why was this? Why would you keep, he's like, I don't remember his name, one, boo, two, gum, boo, coup, something black and gross. And she's like, it says John. And he's like, yeah, well, you know, they all looked the same to me. I just can't say something. I don't remember. She listened to this new podcast, starts an episode 101, they really get into it. Yeah, it's you. There was a conversation with standards of practices like you can't say they all look the same. That's can we apply it? They all sound the same in name. Perfect. I did. Sound the same.

Yeah. Nailed it. So, okay. So while they're doing that upstairs, Ted threatens to kill Moochie, throws him against the wall. And this is when they find the secret room that leads to the other secret room that has the security cameras in it. Uh, and I just want to point out he's got a sweet painting of a horse in his surveillance room. Oh, does he? I didn't. It's the best notice. It's like a velvet Elvis against the wall. So now that they found the security room, of course, the first thing to do is to watch his home movies with it. I wanted sex tapes so bad. I wanted sex tapes too.

Just her riding him around in a full gimp suit. Just me. He walks in. Well, this is awkward now. I was open for all-zombie porn because that's I'd be like just like re-explaining. Yes, see, I've fucked you before it looks like this. Here's how we do it. Don't get mad when we do it again. Yeah, that's what I was hoping for it to. Yeah, and of course moochie, well, well Ted's watching the home movies. Moochie goes back for his fucking sandwich,

finally, but he gets distracted by lasagna in the fridge. He has to get mayo, fuck mayo. Whatever, you butter mustard, oil and vinegar. I was on board with this movie until the mayo thing. What the fuck is with people in mayo? It's delicious. It's flavorless.

It's not flavorless. It's salty and fatty. It's gross. It's gross. It's butter, but not mayo, you're wrong. Butters, you play the- Butters, you play the- Butters, your whip is the devil. Butters so much as the worst.

Miracle lips also gross. Yes. Miracle whip is okay. Oh, you're wrong. Now this is why you puncturing a pillow fight because your blood is made out of miracle. This is exclusively made in we were giving mayonnaise and the poor kept spoiling it. So we're like, here, here's the

here's the main is that won't spoil. Keep it forever. Oil and vinegar on a sandwich. That's all you need. You're fine. You need it more noise. Sandwich or don't put, yeah, put it butter or mustard that you don't need mail. Like you're not to put mustard in. Mayo on a sandwich. What the hell is wrong with you people? I don't get this diluting the mustard at that point. It'swazzy. You're adding a full fatty salty texture to it. But now that we've got that out of the way, let's get back to the show. I quit the show. So, I'll hopefully love Alzheimer's by the end of this and we can we can convince him. He never said that. Okay. So yeah, speaking of Alzheimer's, see, I twisted it all back into the movie.

This was all part of the plan. It's in the script. Speaking of Alzheimer's, he's watching what are clearly like videos that this old man made for his Alzheimer's wife. And it's kind of touching because the guy that plays the old guy is actually a pretty decent actor. Yeah. Yes. It's this weird, very sudden change of tone in this movie where we just talk about like the real crippling tragedy of Alzheimer's Yeah, pretty brutal. Yeah, and and he's like talking about again It was hard towards the end and I wanted her so badly to be like hey, you know what would have cured your wife's Alzheimer's

science know what would have cured your wife's Alzheimer's science. Not religion. I'll tell you what, you find the part in the Bible where they're really, really working on the cure for Alzheimer's and I'll show you nine clinical trials in process right now being held up by people who think fetal tissue is magic. Where were they going to silly idea like that? Yeah, yeah, exactly. But so the doc shows up while he's watching these

and he has this whole conversation where like, this is where I learned what was truly important. It wasn't all that work I did. Dr. and other people back to health. It was the time I spent with my wife and my Jesus. And this is where Ted has like, you know, his, I have to learn to believe in myself moment. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And this ends with the doctor saying like, I really, I'd give anything to watch

the last week of my wife dying again. Yeah, I would like to. That was weird. Like, oh, during the last week, she just screamed and begged for death, but I would trade it all to make her sad again. I feel like I don't know what happened. I want to pop in a DVD of that. Like, oh, there it is. Last week you can watch it again. Who are you? Who are you?

Oh, such good times. And you just watch them watching the sex DVD of them. No, see, look, look, look, look, remember, remember we're fucking, no, you're freaking out. So doc and Ted come downstairs and Mucci has found some lasagna in the fridge that he's eating. This is Alzheimer's lasagna. Yeah. This is all Mayo's fault.

So apparently when his wife was like like really towards the end there, she kept making lasagna, not realizing that she'd already made lasagna and doc just kept it all in his freezer for years and years now and mucci ate it and he's super upset about that. Yeah. I just wrote like man, that's a really nice kitchen. I wrote that's white slas on you. He was going to fuck that. Yeah. So, so Mooji storms off to apologize to Doc leaving Josie and Ted in the kitchen together. And this is because he just had his like, you know, what really matters moment with Doc

upstairs. This is where he has to start going like, Hey, you know, I really like your chicken parmesan thing. I said before made sense. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Around them together. Yeah. And really, I mean, honestly, like if they'd fucked in the kitchen this scene would have made

sense. Yep. Anything shy of them fucking in the kitchen does not make sense here. Yeah. A lot of my notes here are fuck fuck. Yeah, but they they end up settling for a hog when they have their sort of makeup moment when they realize what's truly important is the love they share for each other. And she goes to hug that hug him and she goes, what is that in your pocket? Like, what are they going for here? But now it's the jewels that he stole. Right. And she is livid about him stealing the jewels, which four hours ago, it was her

idea to steal again, just throwing out there. Like, look, I'm not saying that your wife changed her mind and she's mad at you now thing is unrealistic. I'm just saying. Okay, you said you want to tie food. Here we are. I don't know why it's fine. Oh, I like your sister's chicken parm, whatever. So, but now doc over here is the two of them talking and realizes that even after all of this Ted still stole the necklace. So he gives up on him and unlocks the door and apologizes for kidnapping and says, you know, has his whole like,

I know I thought I was doing the right thing, but it occurs to me now that kidnap in you for Jesus is probably against the law. This is the best way. Like this is, they start ruining stuff as I'm typing it here. I like, I started writing like, I guess kidnap is okay and he's like in the Bible,

I learned that you shouldn't kidnap people as a guy, fuck, alright. as I'm typing it here. I like, I started writing like, I guess kidnapping is okay. And he's like in the Bible, I learned that you shouldn't kidnap people as a guy, fuck, alright. You shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to force these ideas on you. It's personal choice. I was those what I was. And he has this stupid guilt trip moment

where he goes, I just wish you could know the joy I feel, the light in my heart, know when I will see her again. And we're supposed to be like, oh, he loves his wife. But like, I just wish you could know how confident I am that I can fuck away your Lyme disease. Like I felt the joy that I felt it knowing that every morning I wake up and I come out, you know, cyclone B. It's a childish thing to hope.

And it doesn't validate it because it's sweet. Well, right. Again, like this may be better than most of the Christian movies that we watch as far as Christian comedies, it's way better, but it doesn't change the fact that all you have to do to make everything in this like obviously disgusting to the Christians is make the Christian guy Muslim. Right. I mean, if you switch this movie around and it's a Muslim

guy kidnapping all of these people and trying to force Muhammad down their throat, all of a sudden this is a, this is a Christian horror movie. Yeah. This house gets blown up by a drone if that's the case. Yeah. Well, right. Yeah. There's that too. So yeah. So he tells them to go and, and, but they don't even want to, they want to hang out and play more hellbound with them now, but they go, but not for long. Because just as they leave, this movie runs out of plot and decides to introduce an actual robber with a gun.

With a gun. Yeah. Yeah. So this grown man in a letter jacket with his name on it. Yeah. Shows up because he overheard them talking earlier in the movie. And now here's here it was his caper. He was going to wait for them to steal the jewels.

Wait outside while they were in there stealing him and then robbed them when they got out. So he's been hanging out in front of that house now for three days, waiting for them to come out. So don't open that garbage can. It is filled with shit. Look at me filled with shit. Ask him not to DNA test that and a dead raccoon who didn't listen to me. So yeah, and it turns out that the armed robber and moochie are friends from high school.

They even have their own patty cake that they do together. Yeah, a patty cake, which gives moochie the gun temporarily and then moochie gives them his gun back and they're like, oh, mochi. Yeah. Given back armed robbers, they're gun. Yeah. So that person thing to do. So right then, Doc comes down, he attacks the guy because, you know, he's karate man. And the gun goes off and Ted gets shot.

Yeah. And what of his dying phrases is, I'm sorry, I voted for Obama. and the gun goes off and Ted gets shot. Yeah. And one of his dying phrases is, I'm sorry I voted for Obama. He's a Kenyan Muslim and I know that out. He'd like, what's that? You know the throwin' when you're stupid little political things here?

Yeah, exactly. So he asked this whole like, I'm sorry I didn't spend more time in church. I love you, my wife. I love my children, tell my children I love them. And then he realized that it was only a flesh wound. And he's not going to die. Believe in standing ground laws, Ney, but yes, I see the irony. Oh, I'm fine.

Um, so now that this motley crew is going to have to take on the burler together, because the burler, they've got his gun, but he's still escaped into elsewhere in the house. Yeah, which again, this movie has such a weird turn because it's like comedy like rubber. We went to high school together and it's like, we must end him before he ends. It turns into fucking panic room. Just expected Jody Foster to jump out with a code hangar. I'm, I, I, I So I often expect that of movies.

But yeah, but we're also supposed to learn that at this moment Ted like comes into his own and goes all person with a penis and takes charge or whatever. The situation calls for it. So they go to the kitchen to get a knife so that they'll be armed as well, but they discover that the burglar has the knife now, the one knife in the kitchen, the one knife that they have. And so Ted goes and gets the nunchucks. And I just want to say if Moody had turned out to be amazing at the nunchucks and saved everyone, I might, I might have really loved this movie. But he doesn't. Spoilers. But they I mean they set up this entire movie of like the non trucks being a thing and now

he goes to get the and then non trucks will never play in to this movie again. Like he goes to get them. But that's it. You could call them check-offs non trucks. Well, no, because they never fire. But yeah, Chuck Obs. Yes. It's upon I made just now.

No, it is. Yeah, exactly. So, okay, so Josie and Mootsie go to the security room so that they can figure out where the burlora is and radio to the other guys, not call the police, but radio to the other guys where they are so they can go subdue the now armed with a knife robber Right, so they can play fucking manhunt in this house Yep, yep, that's the only purpose so yeah, so

But she's radioing to them because yeah, they've got radios in the house, you know how you do and Well, they're like off looking for him. This is where Doc has to like point out hey Ted You notice when you were going to die, you didn't say nothing about your 401k or about your power. You were worried about your family. It's almost like there's a lesson in this that we can all learn. Yeah, make a miracle. Great again.

I know. I get it. I said, but they lose radio contact and now the burglar is coming towards them. Meanwhile, Mugius being real funny with the gun. Moves his hair out of his face with it. Like, you wouldn't, because it's a gun. The tone shifts in this movie are just like, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb,

I don't know how to feel fucking movie. Was the time machine at the end of Back to the Future happening for something? Yeah, no, that was that was part of this movie. Yeah, exactly. I don't point 21 jicoots. So, hey, yeah, jigga, we're saving it for episode one. Oh, once.

Also, okay, so in this in this final bit of this movie, the gun changes hands like 11 times, right? Like they take the gun from the robber and then Ted's got the gun. He gives it to the girl. She gives it to Mooshie. Mooshie gives it back to her. It's just like, you know, like, don't, there's no, just give one person the goddamn gun foe. They're all just pressing the disarm button in perfect dark and it keeps switching and

appearing in different hands. So yeah, now she goes downstairs to save them with the gun, but the, but the burglar kid naps her at knife point while she's got a gun. And so he's winning now, I guess. Anyway, so the burglar takes them all upstairs to the security room to kill him, which is of course where Mucci is hiding. So he goes into the secret room that's in the secret room. And but before the burglar can kill them, Ted has to have a whose life is shittier

contest with the burglar. Yeah. He is a whose life is shittier contest. And he almost wins, but then he killed Mr. Mitzki. So, well, and, but like it's so clearly like, because the way they're trying to play this up is he's like, you know, he's just a burler. He's like, you know, you may think you need the money this bad, but you really don't.

And the guy's like, I'm homeless and like, living my car and can't afford medicine or anything. And he's like, but, but I had to give up my jet skis. And the movie is not, like, like, like that could be really fucking funny if the movie seemed cognizant of the fact that, no, obviously this robber guy really does need the money. You didn't have to build that into the story. Yep. You didn't have to build, you didn't need to build the neediness of the likable robber into the story. No, no, before you attack him with knives. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so

just as he's like, you know, deciding to go ahead and kill him, moochie jumps out to save the day. Now, there are a lot of ways this could be done well. Right? Like you said, if he'd come out and actually just been killer with the nunchucks and disarmed the guy and whatever that would have been fucking hilarious. But even if like, you know, his sandwich was about to get knocked on the floor and he dove for it and not the guy's feet out from under him, that would have been fine too. But no, he just comes out, bumps the guy with the shelf that was where the secret room was, dives for his sandwich for no fucking reason.

To catch it. It was going to fall like a set. Well, I, but it didn't have, but it's not, it didn't, it wasn't involved in the subduing of the bad guy. And if you don't go and catch the sandwich on camera, that got, because he clearly didn't get it. Well, he's not a fucking fine star. He can just go catching you shit, Willie Nilly.

If you think Heath won't save a sandwich rather than you and Lucinda, you need a different living arrangement. I never said I thought that. He's sitting next to you while you bleed out. So how does editing work? I feel like I shouldn't know. So but now the good, the bad guy has the gun again and he tries to shoot it at him, but it doesn't have any bullets in it because Mucci takes things out of things when he's nervous.

Remember, it all came full circle. And the wife knocks the bad guy out with a little lead and baby Jesus because apparently the old man has a baby Jesus that's like heavy enough to be lethal just right in the size of a Cadbury egg. And Mucci turns to the camera like it's the end of a sitcom and goes, Jesus saves. I didn't say all the humor hit. I said occasionally the humor hit. Yeah. So okay, so now we cut to the cops come into arrest the real burglar who's going to get punished. And they have this weird moment where like it's supposed to be like the cop has the chance

to turn them in, but doesn't or the doctor rather has a chance to turn them in, but doesn't. But there's nothing, there's no reason for it. So the cop is just like, well, how do all these folks get into your house? Yep. What was the thought process from the cop? Like, hey, did these three people try to rob you first and then get saved? And then this other guy tried to rob you? Is that one? And he's like, no, they were just here. Have you been watching regular way, maybe regular? Yeah. The cops have been watching daily. Yeah. Apparently, yeah. So he invites

him to come back sometime. Ted gives back the necklessy stole because Ted hasn't tagged it after all. And as they're leaving, Doc says, Hey, Ted, I might have a job for you. And then he runs off to Jesus at the burglar guy before he can get thrown in the cop car. Job creator, lower taxes on rich people. So now we cut to one year later, their son is a bonafide lawyer now, should have no trouble getting a job in the present market for lawyers. The country needs more lawyers. That's right.

That's what we need. And dad has a job running the horse camp that the guy was going to start from the beginning of the movie if you were paying attention. And they have ponies. I love ponies.ies are the plugs of horses They're just so obviously sick and badly bridges like Every pony looks upset and as well they should be because they look at horses and they're like, oh, Jesus So I didn't realize we were gonna close on pony hate, but yeah, I do not hate I have a pug and I love pony. So I have a horse to play with.

Give him a fuck. So yeah, it's just I just enjoy when you see a pony and a pony is like the end of alien resurrection. He's like, kill me and you're like, no, pony. I'm going to put children that are still too heavy to be on your back on your back. And you will be every second of it. I have bad knees because I'm an unnatural abomination. That's a bullsaw horses. Yeah. Why didn't have to be a Christian horse camp, by the way?

What, right? What does that have to like secular horse camps or bullshit? We're going to make this. I mean, they make this Christian camp. There are no Jews who ride horses, so we're safe. Also, how could they miss having Victoria Jackson out there mucking out stables now that she doesn't have a sense of smell? Oh, how do they miss that? Good ad. Also, really wanted Ted to like throw a horse into a freeway and get fired from the horse

man somehow. The more things change, we're like moochie to drop his nunchucks and shoot a horse when it hits the ground somehow. Something tragic should have happened at the end. Yeah, no, it would have been better with a tragedy. And then we get a little cameo from the fat red headed kid again, comes into, you know, like try to get him some pussy or something. And all of them are Christian. They even have this line where one guy turns, the sun turns to Mooji and goes, Mooji, you're a Christian now. And he's like, what, it's not like I became a vegetarian.

Triggering. So, you know, we can all hate them, can we? No, look, I recognize this is just one movie and it was still pretty damn bad. But I get to the end of it. I feel like this could represent a trend. So just to make sure that we're all brushed up on plan B, what kind of movies you guys want to do if Christian wants to get good fast and the furious movies.

Yeah, I couldn't go for very long on that one. I thought the race thing was a good idea. Yeah. Eli, I thought that was excellent. After that joke came up, I was like, you know what, I maybe I should leave out that bit at the end. I should just go ahead and skip straight. Okay.

And to close off things tonight, I simply ask you this, what is the least pleasant thing you could do with the actor that played Mochi that would still be more pleasant than watching this movie? Okay. It's tricky because the movie was like kind of good and you seem like a delightful person. So eat sandwiches. He makes me while watching this movie. Okay. No, yeah. No, that makes sense. I got this pleasant thing I could do with the actor that played Mochi that would be more pleasant than watching this movie. A podcast reviewing Christian movies. Yeah, the whole fucking thing backfire. The whole goddamn template of this show backfire. Well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of heaven bound, but

that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to provide verbal confirmation. We're still doing this. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The prophecy Jack the prophecy with Christopher walkin yeah, five movie series is walking in all of them. I know these in the first two I think. I think that maybe Ben. Okay, so with the caveat that I haven't watched this movie since like college or whatever, I remembered it being pretty good in terms of just like cheesy action movie. So I feel like people are going to start thinking we're just getting lazy, right? We did a Schwarzenegger movie, we did a kind of funny comedy.

Now we're doing a pretty good angel action movie. So like we need to make sure everybody understands that we're also going to do the direct to DVD sequels here. We're not just doing the prophecy. Yeah. And I mean, and let's be honest here, any're not just doing the prophecy. Yeah. And I mean, and let's be honest here, any Christopher Walken movie you are enjoying it ironically. No one's ever like, oh, Christopher Walken, I'm so moved.

Help fiction. Amazing. It's not in that movie. Dear Hunter. It is. It's the other. Yeah, exactly. Fun fact.

He's pool hall junkies. That's a phenomenal. And Nero in dear hunter. And that's with Jackie Gleason in pool hall junkies. And Paul Newman. And it's not called pool hall junkies. It's called the mouse. Steve. It's called the sting. Oh, that's the hustler.

There's a movie right now. We just slid his own throat in his car. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 91 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by living as a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides,

and the skeptic are available on iTunes, Stitcher and Wherever else podcast live. And tomorrow, be sure to check out our sister shows, hot friends, cousin from out of town, citation needed, which is day viewing on the 17. You have to download it. You have to download it. You can't just be like, oh, that sounds fun. You gotta download it. Do it.

Yeah, exactly. Do it. Exactly. Tell your mom. Show download it. Yeah, no, your mom will like this one. I'm pretty sure your mom will like this one. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, of course you can email God off on movies at gmail.com Legal Services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot and the Vivo drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio

engineer Morgan Clark and all of that music was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neely, Boston, Common O'oleusians, Promise to Work Hard to Earn another truck next week. audio engineer Morgan Clark and all of that music was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heatham right knee libos and common old-eutian promised to work harder and all the truck next week until then we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. The guy from the elevator is working on a reality show called 18 puppies and counting. The evangelist guy realized he was better off sticking with vine. Mucci lost some of the weight, shaved his head, and started a podcast.

And that's sex with my friends. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyrighted 2017, all rights reserved. Thank you.