God Awful Movies - 92: GAM092 The Prophecy

Episode Date: May 23, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of The Prophecy; mostly so that Eli and Heath have an excuse to do their Christopher Walken impressions. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, ¡Buy Westville Parque Sur! I Can lay you out and fill your mouth with your mother's feces or we can talk literally Exactly. Do you have a bag my mother's feces? Yeah

Of everyone's mother's feces Is that a satanic power that you discovered? I wish I had Dave's mom shit right now. Look at that. Flashback to Vegan Martin, and said to scoop in the shit-avinyl lady, I did not think this through. I did not.

Not awful. Movie. Movie. movie Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema except when Eli just selects a Perfectly good 90s movie with angels in it. I'm your host no illusions and sitting to my immediate left Is my good friend Heath and right Heath welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what I'd like to do to help Set the mood for this movie. What's that? I want to gently kiss the spaces between your knuckles I was pretty sure you were gonna go with an Eli catchphrase right there. So that was actually way better than I was expecting there. So that was actually way better than I was expecting. Speaking of which sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. I do not want to know what you want to do to set

the mood for this movie. Never want to know what I want to do. I feel like you don't even read the suggestion box. So tell us he think case people are convinced we're doing gay porn this week. Well, yeah, yeah, no, I'm not saying we're not. I'm just asking what will we be breaking down today? We watched the prophecy and apologize to everyone in advance for this, but all you need to know is that it stars. Chris for walking. And I promise I won't do that again. I got it out of my system Everybody has to fucking do that. They're terrible at it. Including me. I'm done. Sorry. I not everybody and Eli Well, what do you think pretty good flick, huh? Oh

I Well Okay, here we go. I gotta do catchphrase. Well, if you love 80s hair and Native American spirit rituals, and I can't emphasize this enough, you're also a pedophile. You will love this movie. I think this is our first movie where a full grown adult open mouth kisses a child. Right?

The first one we've reviewed. Yeah, yeah, they mixed together in my head. I feel like you only added that pedophile line to make it awkward when I pointed out how much I fucking love this movie. It's not exclusive to who he described. That's just that guarantee.

Yeah, exactly. I also like 80s, hair and Native American spiritual rituals. So I, but I feel like, okay, this is a weird one for me because I really do love this fucking movie. And it feels like picking on this movie for being over the top or cheesy would be like criticizing Bugs Bunny cartoons for not looking realistic, you know, like that's his arm length. Aren't correct for a rabbit. This to me,

okay, I don't know where it is for everybody else, but for me, this is the movie where Christopher Wacken became a verb, right? Two Christopher Wacken something became a thing in my head with this movie came out before after the dead zone. I have no idea. Dead zones right up there for walking, verbing also for me. How sure are we that Christopher walk and knew he was being filmed? Answer for me, not Harry. I've got you have to wonder if he just walks around every day doing that. Like is he just like that? Does he just pause randomly while he's walking to? For no reason, no wonder. So I want to point out this is definitely the most successful at the theaters movie that we've ever,

we've ever watched. No, it came out in like a September. So it's not that big, a big deal that it was number one in the box office when it came out. But I want to point out, this was one of the 100 biggest box office earners of 1995. And it was just narrowly edged out of the top 90 by devil and a blue dress and polyshores jury duty. It was that good. That is the level of expertise we're talking about. It is crazy fucking movie. This is such a good movie.

All right, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to say best worst wildly inappropriate timing for kissing several times. Like, what best worst second best worst and third. Just now when I kissed Noah's knuckle slacks, that was better timing than it. Like the whole movie is like, okay, done torturing you time to lean in for the kick. No, sorry. Sorry, I read that right.

I really kissing you anyway, but I read it wrong. Can I go with best worst perching? As Noah's already indicated, there are some angels in this movie. And since they have wings and birds have wings, all the angel characters at one point or another in this movie will perch for an unrealistic amount of time. But like instead of sitting in a chair always, they will perch on chairs throughout this movie. Well, it's not just that they perch, they perch on unrealistically small objects that wouldn't hold their weight and stuff like that,

they had a pen and stuff like that. But the thing is, they try to play this as this ominous weird thing that the angels do, but it looks like they're on a squatty potty the whole time over and over. Not much is less intimidating than a man perching. Right. See now, I was going to go with best worse choice of sensation to make sinister, right? Okay. so a lot of this movie involves the angel sniffing things out. Apparently angels have great senses of smell. No actor will ever be capable of ominous sniffing. If walkin' can't do it, it cannot be done.

Fifth sense. Smell. Totally stunning. All right, well, we've got to get through this good movie before you make it to the directive Smell So he's sunny all right Well, we've got to get through this good movie before you make it to the directive video sequels I suppose so we're gonna keep the break brief when we come back We'll dive into all the liberally punctuated overacting that is the prophecy Where am I? We've got a new arrival. Hey, man. How's it going? Who who who are you? Us? We're the leftovers. I'm

last week's pizza, and this here is four months ago's Chinese food. Well, what are you doing here in the fridge? Oh, I've got some bad news for you, kid. It looks like the humans just got blue apron. Buh, buh, buh, blue apron. What's that? Oh, it's the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Well, that doesn't sound too bad for us leftovers. It is, kid. It is. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking

accessible to everyone, and with the pre-portioned ingredients and easy to follow step-by-step recipes, they don't need to go rummaging around in the fridge for the likes of us anymore. Well, what do you mean? All right, look, kid, your foil is still new. I get it, but trust me, when beef teriyaki stir fry

with sugar snap peas and lime rice or crispy salmon and roast potato salad with pickled mustard seeds and creme fresh sauce or an option, ain't nobody interested in old Chinese food. Oh, no! Well, how do we stop it? Well, by making sure nobody and I mean nobody, checks out this week's menu and gets their first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueaprin.com slash God awful movies.

They'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cook meals with Blue Apron, so we got to make sure they do not go to blue apron dot com slash God awful movies. Blue apron a better way to cook Who's that? Oh that that that's November salad. We don't talk about him Rose I'm nervous. I'm sure it'll be fine. I, thanks for waiting. Welcome to Prophecy School District. You guys must be a Heathen Eli.

Yep, that's us. I'm so glad you've decided to put your child into our school. Yeah, thanks. All right, so here's the classroom. This is where grades kindergarten through 12 will learn all the subjects. Over here. Sorry, wait, it's it's just one classroom. Yeah, the one classroom here.

But how do you account for different learning levels? Yeah, that seems like a terrible waste of just all this space. Yeah, well, we needed a lot of space for like broken chairs and stuff behind chains. You know how it is.

Sorry, you're the only teacher and the principal and the choir director and the gym teacher and the school nurse and the janitor. Pretty sure. You being the only adult in the building just makes the whole thing like a weird club for people to send their kids to. It's not. Yeah, that's school. I don't think that counts as a school.

Right. Well, I see you're misunderstanding. I'm not the only adult. Oh, okay, really? Yeah, yeah. Sometimes homeless people sneak in and kiss the children. Okay, we are done. We are done.

What? That's learning. Hey, you got off of movies, listener. Do you love got off of movies? You pay your sweet, ma'am, a channel you do, and now's your chance to see the show live in a city near you. It's a lie. It's a lie. First up, Artinkus, Benioor,, Seattle and Salt Lake City are still on sale, but

grab them because they're going like hotcakes. That was a hotcake. In fact, we're selling so many tickets in the USA that we have to do a show on the other side of the planet just to keep the globe spinning. This November, we're going down under when we'll be doing a live show with Tom and Cecil of Cognitive Dissonance at Skeptic Hon! That was a kangaroo! But hold your horses! Literally, because we're also coming to Austin and we assume you guys have literal horses!

Wee-haw! Austin and we assume you guys have literal horses But I fast we've already sold hundreds of tickets to our live shows and they're looking to sell out fast So check the show notes for this episode grab your tickets and get ready to fuck your parents Dude what? God awful movies Fuck your parents. I don't know man. I ran out of stuff. It's the I look at the back. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start this movie off with a giant. This movie is too good for us Red Flag, namely a Miramax logo. Yeah. Turn I go the other way guys. And so we're getting this opening

monologue from Eric Stoltz about the the first angel war when the sky burned. And while we're saying this in the voiceover, we're watching him look at a singed angel archaeopteryx thing. Yeah. If you would always picture Lucifer's fall as a wily coyote-esque splat on the ground, this will be really brings this to life for you. Yeah. This is an interesting fact. We learned about the angel words. Apparently Eric Stoltz, the angel, watched Lucifer, like, like, you guys, like, die in a

skydiving accident. Yeah. He stood there and watched Lucifer decompose into a skeleton in the middle of the desert. What's there and what? Honestly, it sounds like something from Chris Walken's diary in real life. Yeah, no, but I got the impression that this was just like, you know, on the battlefield that this wasn't Lucifer specifically, but that is what he was talking about. So, and then we go into the creepy church stuff opening again.

Two for two. Yeah, right. But this one, like at a certain point, it just gives up on creepy and it's just like, ooo, a finial. Because you know, like at first it's showing the creepy stuff and then it's just like, yeah, those are also carved. Right. One of the carved faces is exactly a chucky doll.

Tucky, like exactly, was he in the Bible? Chuckie, I think he was. I'm gonna be zooming on a pottery class. My son signed me up for this. That's a random idea. That's also happening in the church right now. Yeah, but what we're really seeing here is pre-skeling their kid fucking cards.

A bunch of would-be priests going in to take the whatever it is that you take to become a priest officially. Mm-hmm. My note here is, look at that line of gay guys. I mean, they're actors, so they're not priests, but still gay guys. Yeah. Stan, lots, lots of kissing in their graduation ceremony from the police academy, whatever they're doing.

Yeah. Yeah. My first note on this scene was just, hey, it's the guy from the prophecy. By the way, with all the rumors about priests, maybe lose the ceremony based on kissing and pushups because there's pushups in it too. Well, you have to kiss the floor and you know that the older priests go the night before and piss on that spot, you know they do. Yeah, picture archer, this is how you get pedos. You want pedos? This is how you get pedos. So a couple of the priests come up and they kiss the floor and they do their Jesus Jesus thing and they get their priest card. But then our main character comes up, Thomas. Jesus thing and they get their priest card. Um, but then our main character comes up. Thomas. Is he Thomas or is the angel Thomas? He is Thomas. I, let me tell you what this movie is not good at despite Noah's protestations, telling you what everyone's goddamn mother fucking name is.

His name is Thomas. They say it in the opening scene when we meet him. They say Thomas come forward and he goes, who I'm Thomas. I'm okay. So yeah. So he he heads up to try to do his push up of righteousness. And he starts having flashbacks to when he fucked a bird lady on acid. I mean, I get that. I got that. Thomas've been there a ton of things. Yeah, we've all been there. You got to make sure those flashbacks come back at the worst times. Right. Yeah, he gets the tip, doesn't like how it feels and decides he's not going to be a priest, I guess. Also, just real quick, how did Catholicism decide on that miter hat? Well, that's crazy.

Yeah, I mean, I thought maybe that was it. Maybe he walked up there and he says, oh, fuck, they're going to want me to wear that hat. I better pretend I have a flashback or something here. Well, look like a grown man got a toy hat from a happy meal every time I work. Ridiculous. At Benny Hanna. No, I mean, it's my birthday, but I'm fine. I mean, I'm at Benny Hanna, so I'm obviously not fine as like a human being, but I don't want to make it worse. That's how you make it worse. So now we cut to some time later where he's a roof looker.

Now, look, I personally have never gone to the top of a building to dejectedly look out slightly to the right of the camera. And Hollywood would tell me that I don't know real pain because of that apparently. I mean, I've gone up on a roof to do drugs. Well, right, but that's not yeah. No, that's just where you get beat up by Batman. Yeah, I mean, get to third base and do drugs are the only reasons for a roof. So I don't really understand where he's doing up here. And he's smoking the side of Batman. Yeah, right. No, right. And then so he's like looking out over the morning and it's all like dejected and misty or whatever. And then some guy comes up

and he goes like, Hey, you're not supposed to be here. And he pulls out his badge. He's like, I'm a priest cop. And he's like, Oh, I guess you can just go wherever the fuck you want, then. Yeah, they're on. Okay. Welcome to the 90s. And his little internal monologue here is that he lost his faith because he saw too much and I just threw out there. Um, that's not how believing in things work. Like I never pulled back from a telescope and was like, well, fuck stars. I don't know why I could see troopers moons and shit. I don't have any. I said,

I was just like 18 moons. Isaac Newton's just like counting numbers keeps going after a thousand. This is fucking ridiculous. Really math. So yeah, you know, religious movies in general have to kind of play like deciding what you do and don't believe about the world is tricky. So yeah, they have to start that early. So okay. So he wanders into his apartment and wouldn't you know it? An angel is there perched on the back of his chair like my fucking cat. This

is how my cat sits when I try to work, but that's what he's doing. Right. And your cat fails, by the way, like he's just like, here I am. Oh God, look at my butt hole, bam. Oh my God. I'm a lot on here. I blame you for this. I'm a cat. I blame you. Oh, I hate Italian food.

I'm like a constant person who just ate Italian food. He really is. You have bangs and a mullet. What's going on? 95, all right. Yeah. Yeah. We were just getting out of the mullets back then. Yeah. So he comes in and Eric Stoltz, the angel, is perched on the back of his chair. So of course he takes out his gun and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? About to shit off the back of my chair. And he's just like calm down. This is still the opening scene. You don't even know if I'm a bad guy yet. And I get it. Trust me, I have been perched ready to shit off the back as someone's chair when they pull a god on me more times than

I'd like to confess on this podcast. People over how many times would you like to confess on this podcast? Just wait until you check your chair. He just doesn't want to confess yet. Yeah, exactly. Also, this is where we learned because they're the two of them are talking the angel and the cop and they're having like crazy heaven talk at gunpoint. And this is where we learned that Thomas the angel in the cop and they're having like crazy heaven talk at gun point. And this is where we learned that Thomas the cop wrote the book on violent angels, like literally wrote a book about it. Is this thesis?

Is that a thing? Do you write like a doctoral, the theology school? I'm sure you do. I'm sure. No fuck yourself. Right. Get a real fucking educate. God damn it.

Yeah, no kidding. And Thomas is just like, eh, what are you going to do? A guy's impossibly perched on your desk. He goes, didn't take anything. This scene will never come back and make more sense than it does now. It's just, yeah, this is movie is beginning. Yeah. Okay. So now we get some evil music and we get an alleyway and we get an ugly angel smelling his way through the city.

Yeah. John Lennon's tag team partner. I'm pretty sure John Lennon the beetle was in that also. Yeah. Purchase. Yeah., and he now this is a fucking awesome shot like is as far as perch shots go this might be the coolest perch shot ever So he walks into the alley. He's like, yep, there's the right place We purchase on this little stool and then we see that like he's been there all night Like it immediately switches to day and he's just been sitting in the exact same spot And I wanted weird. I wanted so badly when he stands up to be like, oh my fucking thought ah Sorry, give me

a second. Oh, yeah. Oh, I was perched there for like 12 hours. Oh, yeah. Oh, they're all nights. Spider-man keeps swinging over. Oh, you're going to take that perch all night. No, it's fine.

I like to purchase. I'm just going to go right here. said we kind of cycle around. We have a like a thing. We have a system. A 45 year still. 12 hours man. No shit. Wow. What are you doing? He's gonna take it on him when he wakes up. That's fucking bullshit. He's like checking the size. What does that come on me except Sunday? Which could because Jesus doesn't like you to park on his birthday. What the fuck is this?

I'm tap on the window. Fuck. I'm so, I'm gonna put it in my glove compartment and pretend it's not there. So I'm gonna. Well, anyway, just here before is balancing on stuff. Like, is that like an angel power? Is that mentioned anywhere?

Yeah, I mean, because in the statues, they're always perching like birds. Yeah, I just picture a teacher walk into a class of angels. They're all sitting normally and just like, oh, settle down, settle down. They're all stuck here, swaps on their desk. All right, sorry.

Ready for class. I'm doing a Cirque du Soleil handstand on another man. So now we cut upstairs. Apparently he's waiting. This angel's been waiting for Eric Stolz to get home. So Eric Stolz gets home, throws his keys on the desk, and then he sniffs into the air. And I get a preview of how the penguin pants thing is going to play out in the end. Yeah.

Angel fight. And I want to say an angel fight that and it is a bold move to throw someone out a window by their eyes. This is exactly what happens in this fucking scene. He stabs him through the neck with a broken window, pushes his eyes out, throws him out of a window where he is then smashed into by a car that runs him into a wall. Who? Okay.

I get that that would hurt or kill you. Who is driving the murder car? Did he send that out? Like, just some nice park there. Like, oh, is that a fallen angel? Run you over. I'm a stranger. Have the angel not fallen at that time?

That guy was just apparently planning to run his car into the wall of this on his way to the wall. Honey, you wouldn't believe my ride home. I'm about to smash into a wall like normal at 530 in the alley and this angel goes by the right and front of me. It's fucking ridiculous. Oh, that's terrible. They're all over the place. That's the problem. The Trumps gonna fix it. It's gonna build a dome. They're dangerous.

I'm this and bad angels have it. They've got no eyes. The bones are like fetus bones. They're bad people. They're coming in. Someone's kissing our children. Who's doing the kissing? that bad people are coming in someone's kissing our children. I was doing the kissing and to make heaven pay for the dome. So then we get Thomas showing up to the scene of the crime afterwards, right? Like checking on the dead angel body that has been murdered.

They're like, cause a death like out nine not 10 I think and But wait, so they do that like cop greeting each other things do they all do this with like a string of offensive slurs to each other like bastard So be kai Negro, all right, that's enough What person a Just one cop doesn't know that that's part of the rituals Juarines here what I'm gonna get you fired. We're at Goddiment.

You got to reach a training packet kid. This is how Goddiment. It's fine. Let's go to HR. And I wanted so badly when Christopher Maloney comes over to just be like, Hey! You look just like me. He sure does.

I wanted him to be like, hey, this angel looks like a rubber doll. Killa real real fake rubber doll. And then you got that the other like older beat cop next to him just cracking wise the whole time. He's like, oh, just real quick. The corpse he's missing one or two things though. His eyes. It's a boom. All right, man. Can we just put a boom? Talk normal. Just tell me what's fucking

I know. This one weighs one or two things. Two things. Just come back and bring some comedy to his work. That's good. I feel like that would be weird in an SVU case. Just like a, let's just say she won't be wearing white on her wedding day. Seriously, Steve, you need to find that. Oh, God. Come on, man. It's too far. It's too far. Jesus. I'm trying to have a good time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to make a positive work environment. All right. Red light bulb. Just wrap it up, man. It's good. It's a fucking crime scene. What's the name of stairs? With deadlings.

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Son of Sam. How many people do you say you kill? So they head upstairs to check out the crime scene. And of course, this is where they find Thomas's book in the apartment where the struggle happened. Right.

Well, he picks up a newspaper. Yeah. There's an entire article circled in Big Red marker. Yeah. But why would you, why would you ever need to circle an entire newspaper story of your own? He's like, Hey, man, if a detective ever shows up here after I murder someone, he's going to have no idea what I've been working on. Hand me like a marker. No, no, the red, like the big red shark.

Big fell. Come on. Give me the thick tip. Yeah, there you go. Perfect. Right. And then with calligraphy. So it's the obituary of this general when that's going to come back and And comedy cop sort of leaves them there again alone and it's just like all right. Don't forget to tip the maid. I got a million of them Yeah, so now I'm here jokes and time square to make up your back Just a drunk guy everyone was free. Oh, what was it? It's a drunk guy. We happens all the time. Everyone outside of New York cared.

No one in New York did. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. It's like, oh, wow. Some pedestrians got ran over in New York. Whoops.

Who to thunk. So, okay. So now we get, and now the cop looks out the window and slightly off to the right. So that means the scene is allowed to end here. We're going to get a lot of that. And then we get this creepy showing up in town sequence, except it's not creepy, it just has creepy music. Like if you swapped out the music,

this could definitely be the, he did make it home for Christmas establishing shot. Yeah. But we're going to acquire recital in chimney rock, Arizona. Right, and we learned that this, this town is run down and abandoned, except for their giant, fully stocked children's choir. And they're amazing.

Yeah. Great. They're doing Ave Maria. It's fucking beautiful. And we learned that Candyman lady is their choir director. Yeah. I don't know if this actress has a name, but she's candy man lady. Okay, sure.

And now I said it twice. And she said, oh, I won't say it again. She's the chick from the prophecy to me. So yeah, so we get that. And at the same time, we're watching Eric Stoltz, who is wandering into a wake where like it's just him in the corpse. And I wonder, like, do you make small talk at that point? I don't know.

I, yeah, it's funny because I'm thinking man, what is the etiquette when you're the first guy at the wake and then he French kisses the dead guy and I'm like, okay, well, that's well, yeah, you want small talk at that point. That's what you're going to do. I loved this movie. I'm going to really be validated by this movie. I just want to say I was having a really confusing reaction to this, uh, sexually speaking.

So I mean, Eric Stoltz old man's corpse, he got away it. Looks like a good kisser. No, he does. He does. He looks like a tender lover. Eric Stoltz too. So yeah, while he's kissing a dead guy, we cut to the after-quire party so that female lead can talk to lonely dejected girl from act three. And the little girl can't decide if this scene is supposed to be creepy or not. Yeah, she like has psychic

visions, but also kind of doesn't, because she's like, oh, someone is here, and she's like, ooh, and she's like, ah, I will get cake before you. And it's like, this is a weird, you gotta pick a kind of kid you are. This is the moment. When she went to run for the cake,

I wanted her to get side tackled by he too slow, fucker girl. In your face. Just me and you're green. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hold you down and eat it right in your face. No lines. So we get, uh, we get that we've established those characters now very important. And then we got Eric Stoltz breaking into some rat and festive place all like creeping and sick or something now.

Hey, he shouldn't eat in that soul. It was expired. Zane, you could be a cop. You could be a police officer when a city humor like that. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you to a tribe called Quest has been amazing. So then we cut to the morgue. This is an interesting scene.

So Thomas, the cop is checking out the dead guy that that from the place with his book. And we get this very bizarre description of the body from the corner. Again, that description is not it's very clearly a rubber doll. Just want to throw that again. He just not diagnosed rubber dollitis. I mean, practically rag. They might as well just had a raggedy Andy on the table and be like, oh, yeah. But he does get diagnosed as a full grown adult aborted fetus. I can never had eyes. Yeah.

Is that what happens? Did the chemistry confirm that? Guys, I'm pretty sure Carly Fiorina just saw the movie prophecy. It can't get screaming. It's the screaming someone through. Yeah. Do you know at Planned Parenthood, they grab your baby by its eyes and they smash the throat. Do you know who was in, you know who was in that car waiting in the alley? Planned Parenthood. man's Fahrenheit. George Taylor. So also, okay, so the corner, now this is what we have to establish is that this is very clearly not a normal human body he's dealing with, right?

He's like, yeah, he was born with no eyes. His blood has weird chemistry, like a, like a fetus is blood. His bones have no growth rings. He's a hermaphrodite. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're, blah. But they play every one of these like a zinger. He's like, you know, he keeps like, oh, look at us sedicin of a gin over here. You know, can you believe this?

Dickery, Dickery, Doc. Yeah, it's a nice environment. You guys are really jerk. You're the jerks. You're the jerks. These are the ones just trying to have a good time, trying to enjoy themselves. A serious job. They bring some levity to it. You guys are the weird ones. Yeah. Also, by the way, they do not show us the penis vagina combo. And I was incredibly angry at the movie at this point. Right. I mean, it's just rubbered. They might as well. But I don't want to see what a dick in a vagina look like next to each other. And then we get the angels Bible, but I want to say it's amazing because they set the pattern. He goes, you know, this guy's blood, blood of an

aborted fetus. You can do this guy's bones, bones of an aborted fetus. You see this guy's book. I wrote my notes, a book for an aborted fetus. Everybody poops. Yes. Yeah. So this, this angel has a handwritten Bible from the second century. So apparently God like had him each copy it down. And you know, they had a whole thing. Apparently God also agreed with that exact series of books in that exact same order that that Roman council came up with centuries later. I wanted it to be entirely different than the Bible. We know just like, what the fuck is Judah?

The shepherd? What is this? Yeah, Pope's got a lot of stuff. Yeah, but his Bible, it's not exactly the same though. It does include the deleted scenes. Oh, I really hope to contain the gag reel as well. Moses, Moses come out to the mouth, come up to the mouth. I'm sorry. Take that again. God, why has thou forsaken for? Oh God, I'm sorry. Line.

Boop in the shot. Just behind Jesus. So the corner. just behind Jesus. So the corner just, okay, reals are fun. Yeah, they are. So now it's time to go read the Bible, because it is a Christian movie apparently. Yeah, and we learned that there was a second war in heaven. And I just want to say, dude,

if there are Nazi angels in this second war, I am 100% in. You're going to allow the sequels. Yeah. Also, there was a symbol on the dead bodies knack that turns out to be the symbol of Ouziel, minion of Gabriel. Yeah. Good thing he has like the entire rankings of the angel army, just like in symbology on his desk. He wanted a flashback to Ooziel dropping out of high school to join the angel army as mom's freaking out. He's like, it's fine. It's fine.

I'm doing it to pay for college. Angel college. You're not going to go to angel college. I'm not. Now I can if I want to. I just got released from jail. Yes. So, yeah, so he looks at that.

He's looking through the simple book and he goes, he goes, uh, minion of Gabriel. And then turns to Gabriel and he goes, looks up at the screen, he goes, Gabriel. And that's still echoing in your ears when we cut to Christopher. I'm looking amazing and silly. Absolutely. Yeah, no, he's got a helmet of slick black hair going here. It's beautiful. He looks like Nick Cage lost a few horcruxers, but in that's why it's fantastic.

And he knew right? Like he is the only one in this movie who seems to have known the whole time. Oh, absolutely. You know his agent was like, okay, so you're, you, here's what they want you to be. They want you to be Gabriel, the angel, but you taste blood and have undead. I'm in. I'm already on set. How I didn't tell you where it is, I just sniffed.

It doesn't matter. Speaking of which, yeah, that's what we're going to get. He burst into the crime scene where Simon, the Eric Stoltz's character, killed the ooziel and he has to go sniffing around. There's some blood on the table, so he has to sample that with his tongue and a clenching his fashion. And his lower lip instantly gets like five herpes. In the next shot, it's uncanny. Occupational hazard for blood liquor detective, angels.

That was our canceled ABC pilot. We don't like to talk about it, but blood liquor. We had a whole arc going, but they didn't get picked up. We don't want to talk about it. All right. If we hit the cocaine Patreon goal, that's next. Yeah, there you go. There you go. Cocaine Patreon goal. And apparently he has tongue Simon's bloody asshole at some point because he licks the blood and he's going like it's Simon How do you you guys know each other in weird ways? You say you couldn't tell the difference between me and he's blood I'll give you a hint one of ours would come out of the test tube and one of ours You'd have to slap the back according to state

Was you making cello? No, that's just my blood. How do you not eat meat? I'm just going to do it like ketchup with a knife. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side.

Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the side. Hit the whole scene with the link, it feels like the director was about to be like, all right, hey, Chris, why don't you taste the dab of the blood off the table with your finger?

Walkers like, already had you lick in the table. Way. I was already licking this when I came in. So glad my character was supposed to do this. So now we head back to that school where they, we've got the kids now breaking into a band and scary place to play hide and seek. But it is a crazy storage room or whatever it is.

There's like trash can fires and like Banksy doing graffiti and there's rubble like the school is saving. Rubble in this room and locking it to prevent people from stealing the rubble. My rubble collection. I like it. Right. And they're playing hide and go seek, but this movie doesn't know how hide and go seek works because the little girl like opens her eyes and then she goes, I know you're

here. It's like, yeah, that's what hide and seek is. What are you doing? That is. I'm not that bad when you get eaten in a second. You can't just be like, I know you're here. That's not. Yes, everyone's here.

It's where in the. It's. Well, yeah, no, I was like, you're in the school. I found you're here. That's not. Yes, everyone's here. It's where in the. Well, yeah, no, I was like, you're in the school. I found you. Maybe that's what she was going for. So he should, the little girl accidentally comes across Eric Stoltz, the sick angel who was hiding under the desk. And this is where this is, this is where the movie probably gets its creepiest and where I most understood why Eli insisted on doing this movie Hmm, we're doing it again next week So now we cut to my apartment my apartment I wasn't gonna say it but yep. Yeah, it's, it's, you got Unit and pizza, you got cigarette butts everywhere. You got a noose.

I thought it might be Chris Cornell's hotel room. Oh, she says too soon. That was fucking T.A.s. Whatever. Yeah, no, and then we're like, we're in the release. It's like a week. Right now. By then, it will be five days anymore.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Football player who killed himself so his daughter could have his inheritance money. Nope. So, yeah. So the, the, what we're, we're meeting Jerry here. This is a guy who committed suicide, but Gabriel decided to undi him real quick. Or something. It's, it's kind of convoluted, but a guy who almost dies wound up being Gabriel supernatural undead lackey. Yeah. Yeah.

Jerry. Jerry, like Jerry, the angel, what bad name? What is assistant to the angel? Assistant to the angel. Sound of just angel. Okay. Yeah. And here's the crazy thing.

Like this takes a while for the movie to explain, but Christopher walk in Gabriel just like goes and wakes up. Almost dead people. And then like uses them because he doesn't know how to drive and doesn't want to do his dry cleaning and shit like I feel like at some point He'd have like an HR meeting with God and he's like so I mean I really gave you that power for like decimating Egypt and You know this grub hub now catch an Uber I'm getting a lot of complaints. Yeah. So he's sending Jerry as lackey to the, to the police off the police station to steal back the evidence that they got from Oozio. But meanwhile down at the crime lab, Thomas in the corner are chatting and

it turns out they checked and that Bible is like true. They checked with the science on the Bible. Yeah, the science, Lee Strobel walks in. It's just the only copy of this we've ever seen, but we've seen zero that say this is a fake Bible. So yeah, right. If you pile for each, the real piles infinitely bigger. So there you go. It's real. So yeah, right. You know, if you pile for each the real piles, infinitely bigger. So there you go. It's real. And basically what we learn is that the cause of the second angel war was humans and that God loved humans. But wasn't that the cause of the first war? Wasn't the whole thing? That's where I read the Quran over and over and over and over and wasn't Satan like, Hey, how come you made rapist creatures and God was like, don't tell me what to do. And he was like, this seems like a bad idea. And someone in Bronze Age

was like, should we make our guys seem so much less logical than the bad guy? And they were like, shut up, Dave. Well, but they end if this is a problem that continues to this day, right? Like, because the corner, as he's explaining, as Thomas is explaining this as second angel war, the corner goes, why wouldn't God just get rid of the bad angels? And it kind of goes, I don't know, but kind of fucks up the plot in three major world religions if we dwell on it. So let's ignore that question and move on to the next one. Yeah.

I wanted him to turn a page in the Bible and it was a pair of penguin pants. And then I would get it. I would send Heath to hell right now is what I'm saying. If I could, if I could throw him on to his spear and leave him there in a desert forever, I would. Now meanwhile, C walks is breaking into the morgue. Yeah. And his way of breaking into the mord is phenomenal. He goes down to the mord and the guards like, Hey, man, you can't. He's like, I'm Christopher walkin'. And so he just sits down and he's like, right, man, you are Christopher walkin'. Very clearly. Yeah. And he's got to go into the mord and like sniff around to find a Ouziel's body, more ominous sniffing. Yeah. The focus heavily on balancing and smell stuff in this movie.

Yeah. A whole lot of that big percentage, big percentage. Yeah. I really want to see some clips of this angel wards, just angels squatting and sniffing at each other super hard. I'm sorry. I love to fuck out of you like pugga poloos over the angels. Angels are healthier than that.

Yeah. No, that's true. Yeah. So, apparently, Christopher Wagens here to perform the last rights on the angel. Where do angels go when they die? Anyway, so he pulls them out of the, yeah, right? Balloon my mind. Yeah.

Where do they go? So, super. He pulls the, exactly, right, Right. There's a second level. He pulls the angel out, lays them on the floor. For some reason, I wanted to, Christopher, we're walking to be like, he always loved floors. He's pushing on him. So he, he, he pours some holy water or something on the angel and he walks away. Now we have to do the whole of the body catches fire as he walks away thing, but it's Christopher fucking walking.

So he has to do that. Kiss his finger, shoot it with a gun and then it catches on fire. It is so cool. Fun fact from the IMDB trivia. Christopher walkin actually just has that power. Wasn't scripted. He just lights up on fire by doing that. He's that fucking cool. You know why all these cameras are falling?

I don't know. It's just walking none of my business. So now we had back to the school and nobody knows where Mary is. And as soon as I heard that, I instinctively checked Ely's angle track or what I, but he was at, he was in his place. He was in his apartment. So we need a paperclip. So, so the teacher has to go get Mary because one of the kids is like, oh, we were playing hide and seek and the creepy abandoned part of the school is like, wow, why do we keep that around

for you? The rubble runs. Yeah, we asked the broadcasters. They said it was fine. Yes. So she goes into the abandoned part of the school and finds Mary, the little girl sharing a soda with Simon. And she is incredibly casual about this homeless man sitting and hugging a small child. There's a policy or something. I have gotten parking tickets with more anger than she directs this homeless man to let go of the child. He's tearing a milkshake.

Yeah. She's talking like she did this yesterday and the day before with different homeless guys. And we actually learn later that like, yeah, that's like pretty standard. She has to like shoe homeless men. Bad of her school pretty regularly. You guys just have never lived in a small town. And that's what it is.

We're all the jobs left. All that ones. Yeah, no, there was the honestly, the stuff with this school was like kind of realistic for the time. But yeah, anyway, so like she tells Mary to go back to the class, Mary leaves. She tells the homeless guy he needs to get the fuck out. He's like, yeah, I'll get to it. And she's like, okay, cool.

You look injured. He's like, yeah, I am. She's like, okay, well, you probably deserve it or something. Bye. So she leaves. And the little girl shows back up, right? And so I was like, oh, I thought you left. And she says, I, I hid.

I'm very clever. I'm like, you're still talking to the pedophile kid. Don't tell me how clever you are. I had so no, I could help me. I am the smart one. Right. Right. Finally, a movie that focuses some of the blame

on child pedophile victims on the, I'm just saying I made it out fine. I live next to a Catholic church my whole life. Everyone was always like, don't go over there. You know what I did? I didn't fucking go over there. Another argument for helicopters, parenting. So always comes back to that.

So, yeah, so perfectly conditioned but all. I can open a beer bottle with this thing. Definition of a perfect but all. Yeah, no, that's a small damn. So, all right. So now the angel system logo, like I want to give you something very special and I'm like, oh, like the jokes are getting pretty obvious here. And then he fucking starts rubbing her face and open mouth kisses her. Yep. Yeah. And all of our lines are dissent because all of our lines are like, oh, hope he doesn't't kiss her like, hey, these are jokes to make on the show. And then we're all just like, all right, okay, movie, movie.

Movie? Well, child. Movie. Hello. And yeah, so he's got the the soul from before inside of him. Right. That was the. He sucked the Colonel's soul at the wake out in

himself and I was blowing that back in the little sort of understood this. Yeah. And so he's about to die. So you have to blow it out to the little girl. And he's like, yeah, I'm about to die. And I want to give you something very special, little girl. He like it's the same basic speech all the time. Yeah. Absolutely. But he's never falls for it. It's because he's seen profits. So we head outside where the teachers like, they might wear the house Mary and then she comes out and of course she's sick from all the bad soul kissing and needs to go home.

Yeah, she says, did you eat something and I wanted the little girl to be like, yeah, I feel like a dead cop soul or a general or something. I'm not just definitely a military organization taste to it. Oh, and I want to say I've come up with weirder excuses than this to try to get out of school. So I had so off to her for actually making it work. So the teacher drives her home because fuck all the other kids. Right, this is a full service fucking school. The teacher talks her into bed when she gets her home. Because fuck all the other kids. Right, this is a full service fucking school.

The teacher talks her into bed when she gets her there. Yep. Yeah. See, yeah, I guess all the other kids can just read, see Dick run by themselves while she does that. Well, I mean, a few of those students were in their 50s. So somebody can take care of that. That's true, probably.

I'm going to get a degree in computers. No, you're not. You're going to, you know, die in's true. I'm going to get a degree in computers. No, you're not. You're going to, you know, die in the library and they're going to have your picture up. And I'm going to be like, who's that? And they're going to be like, really? And I'm going to be like, don't be mad at me.

I don't have to take fucking attendance. I'm going to school at the proper time as a child. So she says, so the, so she So she takes the kid home to her grandma and says, hey, she's not feeling very good. She was French kissing some homeless guy. Probably want to get her checked for STDs. And then she heads back and she calls the police, right? She's like, Oh, hey, there's a bum upstairs in the police are like, Hey, this is chimney rock air, we got some important shit. We can't, we can't be handling every little homeless guy in every little school. Yeah, jeez lady, let the homeless guy hang out.

What's he going to do? Breathe the dead general soul into her. Don't prank call this line. Yeah, yeah, you know, like, but now I will say though, you know, when she calls the cops, like, hey, we got more important shit to worry about than pedophiles hanging out with kids. I'm like, this is the Christian movie nailed it. Yeah. So maybe.

So now Thomas, we get to Thomas in the corner finding Ouziel's burned corpse. And his line here, his opening line, is reminds me of a snow angel. Yeah. It's a burned corpse that he's saying this about. And he keeps saying it to, he's like, it looks like a snow angel. Yeah, man, does he remember? Snow angels, you'd swing your arm.

Yeah, no, we know. He knows the fucking snow angel. No, I mean, like when you lay down in the snow. Yeah, I know what you're talking about, like a fresh bank. Yes, yes, snow angel. It doesn't look like that, but I know what you mean. Have you heard about this? Have you seen this? Sorry. I'm trying to get this thing that seems to be in the precinct going.

How come they never called them snowbirds? Like a sign copy of my book. It is very relevant to what we're doing right now. So now he decides he's like, well, I guess I've got to go to chimney rock in the corners like why it is like remember the newspaper with the circle. They it's that's kind of where the home movie is taking place i'm gonna have to head out there and the corners like well this seems seems out of order then right like why would you find the newspaper and then go here and then go to chimney rock it seems badly planned out it's right exactly what it's like about the snow angel thing. So, uh, do we get a quick scene with, um, Christopher walkin and, and, uh, Jerry the dead guy go through all the stuff from the precinct.

He can't find the Bible. Jerry would like to die soon. Please, but he can't die because Christopher walkin just needs him to do another podcast. I get it, Jerry. I get it. Tuesday, Friday, Monday records, when do you work in a suicide? But so here's the thing that Jerry's supposed to be a suicidal guy that's going to hell. So like hanging out with Christopher walk in him,

driving around that's worse than hell. He's like, I'd really like to take hell over this. I don't feel like I'd like to hang out with Christopher. Anyway, yeah. I don't know. I've spoken to several Uber drivers and they've said the same thing. They're like, oh, I can't wait to go to hell. You know what never happens in hell? Drunk girls throw up in your back seat. Never. I feel like it does. Feel like it does. So, all right. So him and Jerry, Christopher Wagen and Jerry go driving together to go find the soul or something and he smells something. Christopher Wagen does because he's an angel. So if they stop the car, so he can go sniff

out the scraviar with this dead general. And by the way, crazy billionaire money, Gabriel, Jerry road trip movie. Oh, that was so much better. Jerry, we got to go to New York City. Oh, come on. All right, Jerry, one stop at the water park, but I'm only gonna hurt. We don't know what the sequels have to offer. I'm just saying. So he, uh, so they find this graveyard where they find the, uh, the old guy. And so he lets the Jerry dig up the old guy while he perches on them on the headstone. He's shit squats. He's like, he's 100% shitting. Like I think in real life, he's like a method squatter. He's actually shitting. He's on his face while he's enjoying himself shitting in his pants. Crush in it. Yeah. So they get to finally unearth the dead guy, the soldier guy from earlier

opens up the coffin and Gabriel starts freaking out. He's like, this is the most evil person that ever was anywhere in the world. And for some reason, that's helpful to me. He calls him the cleverest, meanest, sickest, talking monkey. Yeah. And this will continue as his slur for humans, I guess. Yeah. Yeah said, no, you're an ape. You're an ape. No respect. Ape. And a monkey. So, yeah, so that, but that's why they're after this guy's soul, right? That's why this is the McGuffin because he's got the evilest soul in all the world.

So Gabe goes to kiss it out of him, but he's already been kissed and that's like chewing used bubble gum, young ladies. Would you like to chew a huge bubble gum? And this kiss is a bit, you know that awkward thing when you go in for the kiss with a corpse and you both go laughing and then you go, right? Yeah, they do that. Yeah, they kind of do it. And this is where we get the best line in the entire fucking movie in my opinion. He realizes that the soul has already gone. Somebody's gotten to this soldier guy before him. So he turns to Jerry the zombie and he goes, if you were a soul, where would you hide?

And Jerry says, the hell away from you. Good fucking line. Comedy. That's pretty good. Are we going to mung this guy or what? No. Get out of here. I did a lot of digging.

So yeah, now we have to cut over to Simon die crawling, right? But Gabriel's found him, apparently, because now Gabriel is perched right over top of him. Yep. So he tries his clever angel escape method, which is run away very suddenly. But there was a plan for this before they even got there. Walk him and it's like, Jerry, all right, when he starts throwing away, you trip him. That's why you're here.

Can't you just like, I don't set him on fire right away. Don't you do that? You have that power. We're going to see a second arc angel around here. You trip him. That's what I got a whole plan. A lot of vision involves our faces very close together. Yes, spoilers. We asked spoilers.

Touchy feeling. I have a touchy feeling plan. So he says to Simon, he's like, where's the soul? And he says, it's in a brief case with two hitmen. We were also both in that one. That was just last year. Chris, remember, we remember in that Academy Award-winning movie? I feel like these are very similar films.

Yeah. Should have been an Academy Award-winning movie. It should have, yeah. Yeah, so they're having this yelling gospel fight between the two of them. You know, they're having that whole, like, God should have loved us more. No, he should have loved him more and whatever. But they're trying to have like a theological argument and they're trying to deliver that like a raging angry fight. And it's just as awkward as

you would imagine, except it's Christopher walk and so does a fucking matter. You could give him any life. He's be reading off the daddy's menu here. It wouldn't fucking matter. He's Christopher walk. Moons over my hammy So eventually like Eric Stolt's Simon Simon says okay, bro When did you lose your grace and that's a bridge to fucking far apparently you can say what you want about him and his mom But don't talk about his grace. Yeah. So he fakie burns him and I thought man, that's as good as we could do in 95, huh? That was a limit to our technology. Uh, um, Vultures of Horror and this movie on the same level. Yeah, they basically they are at least in this scene. Yeah. Sorry, at least in the opening of the scene where he said some

on fire. So yeah, so he torched your burns Simon all night trying to figure out where he put that soul. Yeah, and then a little more kissing. Yeah, after he burns his face off. I feel like the audition for this movie was just an hour of kissing stuff. Just like, I know, some hands try, try the table over there. You're perfect. Does this generation get upset about how gay my generation is? How is that possible that the generation that created Prophecy is like, oh, pronouns are so confusing. I'm going to go watch that good ol' movie about Christopher walking, kissing every part of a man he can find. I feel like the boot, I feel like a sex therapist just walked onto the set and started giving directions

like, all right, now touch walk in space. No, no, no, tenderly, more tender, perfect, perfect. Maybe run your tongue over his eyeball. So, yes, I'm a director. I direct thing. I just directed you did stay a holiday in it. All right. No, I'm doing it. I was doing it. Um, yeah. So so he burns him all night, um, tries to extort him. That's the same. And then pulls out his heart. Basically, it's a metaphor for all my high

school relationships. And then he dies. So with that, we cut to the teacher arriving at school the next day. But wouldn't you know what there's a crispy dad guy up there? Yeah, and the cops are there And he's like who's the last person talking to her and she's like, oh, you think Mary tore out that guy's heart and then burned him and he's like I'm a cop I take this very seriously except for the last scene when you talk to me Yeah when you talk to me. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, were there any students up here? It's like, Mary, she is the type, you know, to burn a homeless person to death just to see him scream about this yesterday. You guys didn't. All right. You're like, this is at least somewhat on you. So she goes to check on Mary, obviously,

because she was the last one to see the dead burned homeless guy. Uh, but she's being treated by She was the last one to see the dead burned homeless guy. Uh, but she's being treated by the hand tremble. I would like to point out on the only one who didn't write a Michael J. Fox joke in an in their notes right here. He is. He is. That's true. Uh, also, uh, pretty sure we're racist for not thinking what's going on in this scene

is medicine right we're supposed to like respect this for some reason that's the lady we walk in and the teacher's not like oh no I need you to take her to a real doctor and the grandma's like oh we took her to a doctor and he didn't know what to do really how long were you at the doctors I don't know 10 15 minutes you know they think they tend to check other stuff then. You know, it's like, no, your daughter doesn't have any of the stuff.

No, that's never happened in a doctor. Anyway, yeah. And also, of course, this is where we see that the little girl's been drawing these violent stick figure drawings. Yeah, she's got like a diagram of Columbine High School with a big A plus on it. Show's creativity. Cool. She's got the same drawings. And she's got the hint as a kid. Well, that's got like a diagram of Columbine high school with a big a plus on it shows creativity cool

It's got the same drawing Well, that's what I thought yeah exactly Fuck you guys are great anyway. I know I thought that those were the drawings that Eli did is myself Hard growing up in Binghamton guys. Yeah, no, I can Capital of the world. Wait, there's so much pressure on you. I can't ask the most carousels.

Fun fact, look it up. The trivia nugget for the day show. None of y'all been as many carousels as I've been on. I don't like to talk about it because I've been on so many carousels. They used to call me a citizen. The saddest clip to me. We had a mass shooting and we're the most depressed city in New York. Oh, well, there you go.

There you go. So nice. No, that's a pretty close to most depressed worldwide. So meanwhile, Thomas is driving through the desert, repeating lines from earlier in the movie because that's how policing works. Oh, Christian movie, huh? Or cop movie. Yeah. So he's heading to the dead guys grave to on account of the end that obituary that he found. But when he gets there, the grave digger is just rebarying him. And he is very nonchalant about the grave robbery that happened last night.

He's just like, oh, fuck, I bet you're going to dig this guy up too, right? You have any idea? I don't get paid overtime for this shit. And that is quite inconvenience by mortality, isn't he? Yeah, he's got a lot of important details. He might as well be just like bartending for nobody and digging your grave out there. So a couple of those characters of this movie. So yeah, so the cops like when was he buried he's like just now also a week and a half ago, you know, this fucking grave robber's always

digging him up and fucking him, you know, you know how it is. What's the, have you heard about this? Have you seen this? What's the deal? No, no, are you a cop? used to be his 40 second prison 40 second prison. Oh shit. And so the grave digger guy tells Thomas he's like yeah the cops will be here whenever they're finished with that burned guy down at the school and he's a burned guy down by the school that sounds like my case like? Like, almost almost every time that's like drunk stone crack had, like caught himself on fire and couldn't smell it. Just like Jeff Goldblum, but with

the none of the steps in between, just like, uh, that burned guy. I'm done. I made it virus. I'm a virus. So yeah. So he goes to the school, but then he's got to stick around to talk to the teacher to find out what she knows about the burn dead guy. And she is so unhelpful. He's like, Hey, I'm a cop. And he, I want to ask you some questions. She's like, Oh, fuck, I'm too busy being the janitor and gym teacher. This literally a moment here where he's like, Oh, can I talk to her parents? And he's

like, and she's like, her parents are dead. She lives with her grandparents. Like, you knew what he, why are you doing the like, yes, technically it's grand parent, grand parent. And of course, throughout this conversation, we learned at the end, C-Wox was perched in above them. The whole time. Always perched in A, B, P. Always B perched. So now Thomas has to go to check on the colonel's place. This is Colonel Hawthorne, the guy who's soul, the angels are fighting off. And it would luckily, he keeps his creative andriminating evilness right under the bed. So the scene doesn't have to take very long. Well, in the deleted scenes, there's actually arrows painted up the stairs to the bedroom.

This is where I keep my film of my cannibalism and for prince or whatever that take you there. Yeah, bartender just being like, there's a big wooden box. Clues, right under the bed. I don't know how I, I don't know much, but I know there's a big box of clues right there. Yeah. There's a bartender just being like, there's a big wooden box. I don't know how I, I don't know much, but I know there's a big box of clues right there. Honestly, what have fit with the motif of his house though? It was, it was a lot like walking into a bar I can't afford. I was just wiping down this glass with a very clearly dirtier reg. So we would use clean regs. We would just clean. Yeah, a place like that. Maybe you.

So he was, so apparently this kernel was accused of human sacrifices in Korea, which is just killing people, by the way, just sounds scarier that way. Also he has a video reel, conveniently labeled evidence. It says that with video of Conveniently labeled evidence. It says that with video of him eating and killing people. He was accused or like, there's video. Yeah, right. Right. Because part of the black and white footage is literally a close up of his mouth all covered

in blood being like, hey, I love it. 13 bones. Woo. Just keep behind him. Are you going to finish that? Yes, I'm going to finish that heat. Lower the meat in the shot. So yeah, it's basically it's a video of all the evil he

eviled. Also video of his own court martial, which was weird for him to clip that in too. Like, whole movies. I mean, being court martial, this is our house. Say hi. Say hi. And a box of faces.

Oh, yeah, he's also got a box of faces. Dead person skin masks like you do. I get it. Yeah, no me too honestly So uh, so yeah, so after this time as I go to this immaculately gorgeous church the fucking Town has a School with two classrooms and a lunch lady with polio, but it's got a fucking gorgeous polished everything's brand new church Town meeting they're just like all right first we fix up the church

Then we deal with the pipes, then we'll see about the school later. Yeah. So yeah, right. And then someone dies who is supposed to finish this list. So he sits down alone on a pill because it's a Christian movie. And when he closes his eyes, he sees crazy angel wars again, like that other time. Yep. And to beginning of the movie. And then Christopher Walken shows up next to him. And okay. I believe that there was an argument among two different writers like this movie and another

Christopher Walken movie of what is the silliest line that you can give Christopher Walken that he will still deliver awesomely. Because this is the part where he's like, you know how you get that little dent on your upper lip? You know, and he tells the old lady, because Gabriel told you a secret thing, but it's fucking Christopher walkin. So it doesn't matter. It's awesome. You know what's some logic secret? Now, he's over. He might as well yell cut and then walk away as the camera like falls on its side. Pulse the microphone, clip off the bottom of his fucking pants and just drops it. Yeah, exactly. I'll be in my trailer, making soup. Point to three female extras. You, you, you, you, you lucky day. One male extra

you too. So meanwhile, we, uh, we get the little girl dreamin' about a Hawthorne evilness, right? So she's got that soul workin' around in her. Also some lightning and apparently other weather patterns or something Yeah, and they do this like slow pan up to the girls face and slow mo I really expected a skin mask of like hand tremble or lady. Oh That is so awesome if she just killed all the engines and shits put them on stakes like the like yeah, no, that would have been good This movie could have been better. Who knows? Remember we know. I'm on the engines. I got it right.

No, it's a lot. All right. Well, I'm on the edge of my scene here, but more because I need to piss them from the suspense. So we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give act three of the hard sound. Will this little girl go wrote a entitlement? Does Christopher walk and talk that way in every day life, you think? What did the screenwriter want Eric Stolster to have to do to get that Colonel Soul before a settle on kiss

in the rewrite? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We return for the Vigo Mortensen containing conclusion of, that's right, he's still the com people, the prophecy. Hey, hey, welcome to the barber shop. How can I help? Hey, just looking for a smooth shave. Yeah, so you signed up for dollar shave club?

No. No, I came here to the barbershop. Isn't this the best way to get a great shave? Barbershop? Oh, you think going to a building filled with chairs and men of dubious training is the best way to shave your body? Well, when you put it that way, what's dollar shave club then? It's a smarter choice. No need to schlep to the store to buy a cheap disposable razor that'll give you a cheap shave or spend a fortune on razors with gimmicky shaving tech you didn't need. Or in your case, trust a complete stranger with a razor near your throat. How's my day going? Did my wife leave me this morning and was that the last straw? Who knows, right? Yeah, okay. That's a good point. But having razors delivered to your door, that the last straw? Oh no, it's right. Yeah, okay. That's a good point.

But having razors delivered to your door, that's got to be crazy expensive, right? It's not actually. However, having a full grown adult shave you is and really weird if you think about it. Mm, right. Yeah, no, you're right. So how much is dollar shave club?

Well, for a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their Dr. Carver shave butter for only $5 with free shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. That's a $15 value for only $5. In your first month's box, you get an awesome weighty handle, a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of their shave butter. After your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. No hidden fees, no commitments, cancel

anytime you like, but you can only get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com. Slash God awful. That's dollarshaveclub.com. Slash God awful. Wow. That seems a lot better. Just one thing, are you going to use that razor? You just used on the last guy again? Oh, yeah, but don't worry, I dipped it in blue stuff. Man, is that, that how stuff works here? It is, it is. You know you're tenting a shot, right? I did.

Good, still feel uncomfortable. Don't worry, it's blue. good still feel uncomfortable no worries blue whoa the vigo mortensen uh no um i'm it's i'm satan actually okay i mean you look like exactly like vigo morten i know i know I know, I look like Vigo. For Eastern promises, the guy from... Yeah, saw it, good movie. Why do you... I don't know, man, I don't know. I'm an angel, he's a good looking dude, some kind of joke from the big guys, only so

many faces, I don't know, just like... Really? Yeah, I don't even get me started on this. Oh, who's that? Yeah, him. Sorry, this is my assistant, Alan, uh, Roar Allen, Roar. Sorry, he's new. Hi, Alan. Cool. Right. Okay. Thank you. Good note. Uh, so here's the thing. I need you to stop Gabriel. All right. Uh, who's Gabriel?

who's Gabriel? It looks like Christopher Walken. Seriously? Look, man, I didn't do it. Okay. I think he just liked all right. All right. These fun. Why? Why do I need to? Okay. So there's a war over humans in heaven. And if he wins, there will be, hear me out on this, two hells. And you know, can't be two hells. Really? I don't even know how we would split that up. Like, I'm gonna get stuck with the rapists and murderers and he gets Carl Sagan, that's

bullshit, right? Yeah, no, that's a good point, actually. Yeah, it's not like the eternal lake of fires running out of space or anything. Exactly, what Adam said. What do you say? Some lateral management stuff. like the eternal lake of fires running out of space or anything. Right. Exactly. What have I said? What do you say? It's some lateral management stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good point too. Okay, I'm in. Um, lateral management? Oh. Yeah, it's a whole thing. Have you read Who Willed My Cheese? Right. Well, 10 minute manager is good too.

Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions and I'm Heathen right. You know, this month's bonus episode is triple X three, the return of Zander Cage, a movie about Vin Diesel surviving falling out of a plane, being hit by a car. And Donnie N jumping nine stories through three layers of safety glass and being entirely fine. But what's most extraordinary is that movie made 346 million dollars. And we want a piece of that. So if you haven't already, please go to patreon.com slash God awful and pledges little is a dollar.

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And we're back for the breakdown. And as we rejoin the action, yet another actor will be interacting with children in an uncomfortable way. This time in the form of a bunch of kids sitting on Christopher Walkins lap. I don't know. Teaching them to blow a trumpet, checking their teeth doesn't seem good to me. Yeah, also not a trumpet. I was wondering if you could ignore it, fucks. Give your stuff to Jesus Christ. Get one thing right.

She's got a saxophone. Other than that, they mailed it in this movie. Also, like the odds that that kid would be able to blow a trumpet on his first, it fuck you. I've tried it on. I know you. It makes the beast be jealous. Yeah, like the odds that that kid would be able to blow a trumpet on his first of fuck you. I've tried. I know you make the piece be. Yeah, I did by an angel. Well, they're okay. All right. No, I guess it makes sense now. Maybe Gabriel is like the destroyer of men and a great music teacher. You know, you know, he'd know what a trumpet and a cornette are differently. Conical board, different looking. It's very obvious. Here's a music teacher coffee and a trumpet. All right. So we're conical applies to both. Yeah. No, conical does. And

it's a board. That's fine. Okay. So this is such a deep cut. Like for the five listeners that are following all of this, I love you so fucking much. Because the cornette starts to flare from the beginning for instance, you're, you know, and cornette also your mom will rough this bit too. He, My mom is a music teacher and she does know the difference between the cornette. Exactly. And she could have got that.

And they had a note that would have broke that window on the first try to. She doesn't listen to this. She does actually. She didn't appreciate to this show. She does actually. She didn't appreciate your old lady impression. All right. So anyway, now that we've gotten apparently our in joke quote of a fulfill for the C segment. So we got Christopher walking and he's there at the school checking to see which of these kids has the soul because he's like, yeah, I know, Simon, the angel, he's going to French kiss a kid if he has a chance to.

So he starts checking all the kids for extra souls, but because they stick out in your throat, you can just look into a mouth and see like the tip of the soul. You love your life. You love the texture. Soldier's soul. You love your life. It's a soldier soul. It's right there. Yeah. Yeah, apparently, but it doesn't matter because Mary's not there. Obviously, she's sick, but the little snitch girl tells Christopher walk in that Mary talked

to the man upstairs. Yeah. And teacher lady comes over at this point. And for some reason, because he's not homeless she is not okay with Christopher walkin' talking to the kids. She reacts normally to this, but when a guy was bloody in the end, it was okay, you're fine. You're a ginger. Everyone knows they can't be pedophiles. Also, maybe a retired pedophile.

Exactly. Also, is were ready here in pedophile. Exactly. He also isn't just me or does she come to work dressed progressively sexier every day? She sure does. Yeah, by Friday, she's just going to be an electrical tape and a butt plug, but she tells the kids to go inside and gives them a good what for about having the kids on their lap. So he Christopher walkins at her. There is no other way to describe that. He's just honestly, he could have said or I don't remember what he said or did, but he's just like,

oh, I'm a kid at cat. I'm a kid at cat. I'm crying. She's just like to react to that series of noises and actions. So I would like the scene to be overcut. You don't say cut. I say cut. Fantastic. Yeah. So and also Jerry's there. He's blowing bloody snot all over the place. Cause you know, he's wacky and walk into like, oh, that's just Adam Goldberg. He has a bull egg. No, I was fine. Yeah. So, okay.

So now like she's getting suspicious because he knows he knows about mayor, who the fuck knows? So she abandons all the children in her carat the school and drives to Mary's place. Yeah. And we get a, we get like a Mary dual war criminal little girl back and forth. Yeah, right. Right. A smegel golem thing going on there.

Yeah. Get actress. No, actually, actually, yeah, not too bad, not too bad. So yeah, the teacher shows up. The cops already there questioning her and she's like, oh, yeah, the man shows up, the cops already there questioning her. And she's like, oh yeah, the man upstairs gave me a secret, but sometimes it hurts. And she's like, was it a penis? She says it was a secret.

Secret. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, definitely a penis. Basically, her message here is, I don't like having a war criminal inside me. It's a bummer. Right. Well, and then, of course, she goes all war criminal, right? And she turns to him, she goes, ever cut off a China man's head, you know, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah. To which her grandmother is like, she'd never talk about China manhead before. This is the end. Yeah, no, I've never heard her talk about decapulating that ethnicity. It's so weird. She's so tired. She's too weak like we do. That's not even accurate.

Yeah. The box is really the same. Weird that she was saying. She accounted for the fact that it could have been the cold. That's less viscous in the cold. So yeah. So the teacher is getting suspicious at this point because, you know, of all of the tritamin headcutting talk and whatnot. So she turns the cap and she's like, because you know of all of the Tritamin head cutting talk and whatnot. So she turns the cap and she's like, can you tell me the truth?

And he's like, do you ever read the Bible, Catherine? She's like, so no. Damn it. Well, she goes, I read it a long time ago. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, you didn't. There's two reactions to have you read the Bible. No, which is the honest one.

And oh my god, yes, it took like nine years. And do you have you read the Bible. No, which is the honest one. And oh my God, yes, it took like nine years and do you have you read numbers? It's just numbers. It's honestly, it's on me. It's on me for thinking there would be non numbers in there. I just want to point out that that's one of those mistakes people who haven't read the fucking Bible. Numbers has a talking donkey in it. Numbers is amazing. That's all numbers. No, it doesn't remember. It's not even remotely all numbers. That's what happens when you read the first three fucking chapters and give up.

As you think it's all numbers, you missed the talking donkey and shit. It's got a, it's got a fucking, it's got a formula on how to make uterus fall out with dirty floor water and shit. It's distracted by some crazy. I wrote it. And it's'm about it. So what happened? Coming in numbers defense is the most underrated book in the pen it took.

God damn it. And dude, I ride him. I mean, I had some shit right there. It's like, Hey, remember those first four books? No, good. Anyway, yeah. So so he tells her. He tells her that angels are coming to war on planet earth. And

she's like, yeah, no, I get it. That makes sense. Sure. Sure. And in fact, I probably saw one this morning. Yeah. Her thing is like, that reminds me. I think I saw Gabriel this morning, you know, the angel Gabriel. I should have mentioned him, but you were talking about whether China been bled and I got sort of caught up in that. I was trying to picture it, like what it would look like for them to bleed just, I'm sorry. Anyways, yeah, I saw Gabriel this morning. So, yeah.

And she's like, he's like, I have to fight him. And she's like, I know where he is. And he's like, really? Why would you know that? She's like, it off camera. At some point I learned this information. They probably should have included a scene about it. Or something. But she's driving. She sees the car. Oh, is that what it is? Okay. So, yeah. So she knows what abandoned mine. He's in. Yeah. And I just, I picture Christopher walk

and walking around with like a New York style real estate agent looking for hideouts You know, I need something that can be creepily walk through with a flashlight. You have So I you know normally I've been a city. There's a subway something like that. I want to go Where Noah's going camping in Australia He's gonna be camping so So, I'm gonna mine. Yeah, right. So that's what they settled on. And of course, like all creepy places and movies,

this house wall scrolling, as soon as you get a creepy place, you have to start scrolling shit on the walls of it or it won't look legit when the cops show up. Yeah, and they claim this is angelic script, but it's got like Greek math stuff and boobs and cocks and balls like really angelic script. And I don't know if I'd have fucking a knocky and they should have made that shit up once.

You might as well use it. Yeah. So and then of course the layup suddenly comes on all by itself. That's always some creepy hell shit going on there. And the wall turns it to a big screen TV from angelic gladiators. Apparently. Yeah. So they look over and there's an impaled angel and angel on a like glad the impaler stick. Very unrealisticly clay maching and around just reminding us why we needed the CGI so fucking bad. And there's a field of them too. They all got it. Well, exactly. I wanted one to just like have his calf and pale to be like, Oh, oh, I'm also in pain guys look what happened to me. It's like a paper. Oh, on the side.

With grace, though, because I can move around. But it's, but of course, that would require for this to be a moving image and not just a drawing of impaled age. Yeah, they're we're in a mind shaft. And then it's like he swiped over to do a new picture on a phone and we're in this like other giant field out of nowhere. Yeah.

Once again, it's a picture of God's boobs. Oh, sorry. No, that's just from a different. Well, yeah, but instead he throws the lamp against the wall and it explodes and it turns back into a wall. So. So that's what I plan to do from now on when I'm not enjoying one of these movies. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I've seen the lamp screen. Yeah. And of course, you'll fire. So they said, so they head outside and now she is 100% buying the I am an angel cop thing. And she's like, you know, what, what is he after? And he goes, he wants something, something that's here. Yeah.

I mean, he probably isn't here for something that's not here. What the fuck are you talking about? Right. And you see him say the legos, the angel wants Mary. And you see him like recognize like, oh, yeah. So they had to Mary's place, but wouldn't you know it Gabriel is already there. And they scuffle.

Yeah, Jerry gets involved. You know, he comes in and tackles Thomas and everything and Gabriel takes care of the chick for a minute anyway. Right. And then he shoots Jerry and Gabriel gets mad because apparently suicidal people are like angel Pokemon. He's like, aw, now I got to get a new one. Spoiler alert, he is literally going to go get a new one. He does.

And this is where we get to the weird, like, physics of angels, they're not bulletproof, but it doesn't kill them. But they don't. But he'll? Yeah, I don't, yeah, but if you, well, you have to throw them out of a window by their eyes after stabbing them in the neck with broken glass

and then him with a car. I feel like that works though. That as I understand it works out just fine. But yeah, so yeah, Gabriel's crazy pissed because Jerry's dead. So he throws the Thomas out of the trailer that they're in. And then he like, you know, Christopher walk and walks his way out, the chick is shooting at him and she's not shooting at him. No, she's shooting in every other direction besides it might as well try her own head once and like, it doesn't go. Anyway, she blows up the propane tank. Well, right, yeah, right. Exactly. She hits the shoot here to make trailer explode part of the fucking trailer that they all have. So it explodes. Right. You know that bullet gap that propane tanks have. So in

case you want to blow them up. Yeah, exactly. That's the death star. Yeah. Want rats in the only one exhaust part. Come on. That's a great building. So, hey, old motherfucker's going to blame me. You've got to hold the size of a womp rat is the only way to destroy the thing. There's a kid with magic. I mean, other people have pointed it out, but you got a magic kid directs it. He's cheating. He's talking to the dead. He doesn't know. Look, I'm just, it's not the engineer's fault. He did a fine job. I feel like, I feel like they could have put a turn in it, like, you know, like a 90 degree turn somewhere, but I don't know one exhaust part for a planet size spaceship. If you need to straight out, that's pretty, you know, we don't know that that's that's what I know

that only exhaust port is just the only exhaust port without a 90 degree fucking anglin' it anywhere. So the trailer blows up and they try to have like the fall. So we won kind of a moment, whatever. But Thomas isn't buying a cop show up after the explosion. And he's telling them to cuff the corpse of Gabriel that was in the explosion because he's sure he's still alive. Right. But the cops react to that by like, okay, you like a dad checking under the bed like no monster's here. Yeah. You're right, dead angel here.

But then Mary again, channeling the dead colonel guy, the racist demon soul or what, yeah, the colonel's soul. Yeah. It actually pays off She's like yeah Catholic angels are shift. You got to cut their hearts out and like eat them or something Why would he know that well? Right like like oh he's such a good war Criminal that he knows how to kill age anyway. Yeah, so they're like yeah You know it only counts if you cut out their heart and I so wanted them to go to bring the cockpit

Okay, this is going to sound weird. Um, near me out crazy. Crazy. Okay, with the cuffing. This is not really weird for the man. Also, so they throw his Gabriel's corp handcuffed corpse into the police car. And just as they're about to close it, he opens his eyes and looks over at Thomas, like, ah, I'm going to fuck with you. And I'm like, that doesn't, that works against your plans, but whatever. And he winks it. He does. So good. Sploosh. I literally shuttered and morn

to little Sarah Pala. Amazing. Come right in the back with me. So they follow in the teacher's trunk. No, they say Sarah Pellan, that is strong. You just put a really cool image in my head walking and Sarah Pellan. Oh, yeah, there you go. So winking at each other back and forth. Yeah, it would be awesome. So they, they follow behind the cop car in the teacher's truck. And wouldn't you know, they come across the cop car, it's been destroyed all to fuckies, like killed them and overturned the car somehow from the back seat. But they're heading to a Native American ritual, apparently Native American. I learned in the

interstitialist, the term I'm supposed to use now that engine is not good anymore. Because apparently Native American magic defeats Catholic magic or doesn't, I think it doesn't ultimately. Yeah, but it seems like they're just like doing the touch the kids face ritual. Yeah, that's that's pretty much all they got. So, character in this movie touches this kids face uncomfortably though. Yeah, they're showing they're like, oh, you guys here for the hand tremble. No, we're putting an oil pipe line in. Yeah, the fucking hand tremble. We're trying to fix this girl. Jesus. So, oh, right. Wait, but when I say, it's a really big deal. That was too far for you. Jesus. So, so yeah, so they, they, they go in and start chanting at the church and I'm writing to my nose, wow, all religious stuff looks equally stupid to me.

It's all the same amount of stupid with different styles and rhythms. Well, they ramped it up. They ramped it up. It was the hand tremble, but now it's the maracas with, if there's, you know, well, yeah, yeah, no, they've put in some, some, some, some, some real thing now. Yeah, like the absence burner. Yeah. So now Gabriel heads to the hospital for no for no reason that I can track in this movie to get himself a new dead person.

Yeah, this makes like killing people constantly. Yeah, right. So yeah, he has to go fetch him a just dead person from the ICU. And he comes across a good critically ill person who also was in pulp fiction. And he's like, oh, yeah, no, we know each other. Oh, that was honey bunny, right? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He's literally just seeking out his old castmates. Yeah, apparently, he's like, remember last year we were the better past us by a bed with Tim Roth in it. No, no. Yeah. I like how they use the clipboards in the scene though.

Clipboards are like the bartender of hospital scenes. Right. Yeah. Just like pan over bartenders. Like next room's Terry Shiavo. She's perfect. That's what you want. Yeah. Prophecy five. He's just in the back of a cap. So you can get these anywhere. Yeah. When do you die? I don't know. This is my job. You're a weird customer. I beg Christopher walk in here. Is that a lot? Meanwhile, back at the chanting, they're still chanting. So teacher walks out, possibly unconvinced that they're chanting chandelier enough. And that's where she meets. Vigo Martin's then. Finally. Now, I want to point out like that when he shows up, he was absolutely no one when this movie came out. So like the idea that you would save Erragorn for like late NAC 3 like this seems kind of weird now, but he was like an absolute

nobody at this point. Although so good. Oh my God, does he go for it? He enters this conversation like every stranger that messages my wife on Facebook, he's like, hey, can we talk? And she's like, and he's like, or I can lay you out and fill your mouth with your mother's feces. Like,

that's the actual words. Don't screen cap this. And for you, a bitch for some reason. Yeah, right. I can lay you out and fill your mouth with your mother's feces or we can talk literally exact words. Do you have a bag? My mother's feces.

Yeah. A bag of everyone's mother's feces. Is that a satanic power that you discovered? I wish I had Dave's mom shit right now. Look at that. So I'm here too busy for a meeting. Flashback to the ego Martin said scoop in the shit avanol lady.

I did not think this through. I did not. This is a weird gambit that I give and it this backfire this one time. They always say talk. Somebody said not to talk. I want to Eli and he's like, you know what? Honestly, hold on. Hold on. I teach Andrew to miss our conference calls. So also also did Lucifer bring stained glass face guy from Burning Hell?

stained glass face guy from Burning Hell. He's assistant. He has a growl assistant. He's like, what is that guy? They've taken notes. You're raw. Rar, Rar, Rar, Rar, Rar. Should I? Malfus.

Should we grow it to end? Hate. You're the worst. Rar, Rar, Rar, Rar. Yeah. So it's hostile work environment and dealing with it. Oh, I see. I see. Rar, Rar, Rar, R, Rob, Rob. Yeah. That was, um, Hothel work environment and dealing with it. Oh, I see. I see.

Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. Shut up. So yeah. So he's got to do some exposition here, um, to explain to her that he's not on Gabriel side in this war. Um, but he delivers this monologue.

It, it is such a bizarre choice, series of choices that he makes for Lucifer. It works. It totally fucking works. But you know, down to like eating a flower, singing part of his lines. He's a flower. Do you think that was like a direction or did he just improvise that? Like, was it in the script? Like eat flower menacingly.

You're like, you are a Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness. Did he just improvise that? Like, was it in the script? Like eat flour menacingly. Right here. You are a Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness. I think baby VGo was like, look, I'm going to movie with walking. So there are no rules. I'm going to go for Satan as gay guy eating a flour. So might as well. Yeah. So, okay.

So what we learn here is that Satan, he just put the flower at his mouth, pulls out a bone. So what we're learning here is that Satan is like on God's side here because if Gabriel wins his war against heaven, then there will be two hells instead of one heaven and one hell instead of one heaven and one hell. And that's too many hells because then it would be hard to explain where people were. Who the fuck you done? You're in hell too. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry. Am I in hell also? Is that what you meant? Ever know, everyone put your hands down. Now two hells, no heavens. So it's really honestly, this is not on you anymore. Just and it's the same. It's not a different hell. They're just two match. I don't want to get in. Everybody read the FAQ will reconvene this feels for a while. Yeah. Yes. Girls throw up in your back seat here. I'm starting to plan this.

So yeah, so but Veal Mortensen explains to her that like the reason that the angels need this colonel solace because they need to find the most evil war like person to help them win the war. And I'm like, I feel like you can just watch, right? You guys purse like motherfuckers like what like what is there really something about being evil that you'd have watch, right? You guys perched like motherfuckers, like what, like what is there really something about being evil that you'd have to be taught? Like, oh, but okay, but how do I shoot him evenly? I don't know, I'm asking Eli,

is there something about being evil that you have to be taught? Yeah, yeah, I've gotta learn it. It's like a six week course. They have it at Phoenix. It's like an online thing. You're doing your spare time. It's great. Use our code phenix. It's like an online thing. You do it in your spare time. It's great. Use our code phoenix.com.

Yes. If ever there was an advertisement for Trump University, and also they never like specifically call him Lucifer in this scene. They say he says, I was the first angel. And then he makes it extraordinarily clear. But then we immediately cut to this useless scene afterwards where she's talking to Thomas. she says I saw the devil tonight and That is I guarantee you because the test audiences didn't figure that out. Oh wait. Who is the first angel? Shit, I thought that was was that Michael is he Michael? I wanted to be like so how was it? She's like good You ever see Eastern promises? No, not made yet. All right. Well good smaller than you thought

subtle promises? No, not made yet. All right. Well, good. Smaller than you thought. Settle. So now Satan and his new dead body friend stop for some diner food. And I just want to say, since this is entirely driving based, I would have loved to see where Gabriel gets tired of having to like bring people back to life. And so he decides to just convince one of those people to teach him how to drive. So they're just like, okay, mirror to mirror. You're making me nervous. You're making me know it's mirror to mirror and now bring your wheel all the way around. I can't see. You know, you want the door handle to be. You can't you can't perch. You're going to need your feet for the post stop. Purchase. Stop the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, The devil shows up like he enjoys his podcast just like You like it strangely accosted by our fans sometimes I would like a new character Who people don't touch So yeah, so Vigo didn't want him feeling left out so he he shows up and he starts squeezing his boobs. It's a super touchy feeling kind of a thing. All the magical characters were doing Molly this whole movie. Guarantee all that makes a lot of sense. I thought Satan was about to start glow sticking for Tommy. Just like blow and menthol up his nose.

They turn and he's just spinning, boy. Yeah, you weren't supposed to see this. So also, okay. So this is where I guess Satan is showing up to explain to Thomas what his, like what Gabriel's weakness is. And his weakness is not having faith, having faith. Anyway, faith is the angel's weakness. This will play out in the dumbest possible way. But will it play out? Well, in the dumbest possible way, yes, exactly.

He'll say the word faith, what he's trying to save his life later. And now, according to Noah's notes, it's time for some next level engine magic. I can, my date, that's what the word was. I don't know why I was going to use the toe. No, no, the show. No, no, no, no, get it. Okay. So yeah. Now, so of course, Gabriel is still smell stalking his way behind him. And he even chose him be where like he found candy on the side of the road. So he like steps out, sucks on it and finds out that it was hers. How often

does that go wrong? The little girl leaves a trail of candies. Like I get it because that's how we find heath when we lose them in balls and stuff. But then I thought that was just a heat thing. I don't know. I rarely would leave that much of a twizzler behind. You'd need to be looking closer. That was like half a twizzler. Yeah. So, and of course, while he's doing this, they're just chanting the fuck at her. But it still doesn't seem like she's cured. They must need to chant, syncopate it. I don't know. There is whatever it is. They're not doing it. Can you do those maracas and like cut time and double up to three, four. Hurry up. We got the guy coming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come on people. Get on it. So now, Thomas is standing outside, like watching for the

evil angels to show up. I tell us the teacher, you know, here, take the gun, go inside, hide, tell them the chant faster, whatever. I'm gonna hold off Gabriel by making him play Tic-Tac-Toe against himself. Yeah, basically. Well, first he has to set up his, he has to use his awesome car trip wire, right? That's what he was setting up when the devil showed up. Big chain thing that like kills whoever comes by in a car. Good thing it happened to be the devil. I mean, the Gabriel. Yeah. Right? Like, is if anybody else was just driving down Native American? Yeah. Right. Late to the ceremony. Oh, fuck. Now, the worst thing is I can't reuse this in Gabriel now, because your car is here. Oh, fuck. Well, and he's probably going to bring you back to life, make you drive him later. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. So, but, but luckily it is Gabriel. So he throws

this chain up in front of the car and, and Christopher walk him flies out of the car and it looks like the honey bunny dies, but she doesn't. That'll be important. And basically, Christopher walkin just shows off how silly a line he can still deliver awesomely. This is where he starts throwing down about how like in heaven, you get all the ice cream you want. Yeah, pitching heaven based on ice cream bed times and killing. And it's any got to again, this was a contest between writers. No, no, no, look at this line. No, he did. He did super capture this podcast. I'm just saying ice cream bedtimes and killing. That's three sign up.

From this particular cast. It's like a stepdad trying to bribe an eight year old like ice cream, no curfew. You want to kill a homeless guy? What baseball cards? Yeah. So he's about to kill, it gave us about to kill Thomas for getting in his way. And this is where he pulls out his ace in the hole. He says, faith, faith, faith.

And gave us like, fuck, man, damn. Now I get all bummed and not kill you. Yet for some reason. Yeah, his answer is, why don't you just ask God? And he's like, uh, we kind of broke it. It's awkward because we have a lot of mutual friends still. And it's like, you know, I don't want to be the guy that asks if God's going to be at the party, but I don't want to run into God at a party. Never calls me or text me. Anyway, maybe he's just busy. I don't know, probably lots of hours.

Whatever, I had a funny story to tell God. So yeah, so he bums around about how God doesn't talk to him anymore. And decides not to kill Thomas now. And instead, he just sniffed away after the evil soul. So Thomas jumps into truck and drives after him. But honey bunny is in the back of the truck and attacks him. Why would she do that?

It doesn't make any sense. Anyway. So Gabriel makes it to the little girl ceremony and Rachel shoots him and that doesn't work. So he goes to skull smasher, but luckily just at that moment, Thomas drives his truck through the building and manages to hit Christopher walkin' and no one else in this crowd building. Not even the person Christopher walkin' is holding by the eyes. Oh, it's so good.

It's like a Ford truck commercial that got censored like the F-150 enough torque to last three even the toughest wigwabs You feel like afterwards they were all sitting around it was like wow really lucky that you didn't get anyone else what a great plan Yeah, no I Really Do that I knew it side you guys were on I mean mean, I just went out that I knew you guys were going on. I listened for the chanting and I aimed for the not chanting. What if he had been chanting, why would he be chanting? That's your silly. So, yeah. So he jumps out of the truck, starts hitting Gabe with a tire iron, hits him maybe half a dozen times, but then Lucifer shows up and says, all right, enough with the violence, enough violence.

Let's put back on the chanting. That was nice. And if you were wondering if Vigo Mortensen was going to lick Christopher walk in, yes. Oh, yeah. Yep. Right now, they're going to have a wonder. Weird bite fight. And the only way I can describe it is this.

You ever have friends who should break up, but it's obvious that he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's So you're just like, ah, you're doing your thing. But I'm here. I enjoy hanging out with you and Anna, whatever. Oh, we're saving ourselves for my death. September 26. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person.

I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person. I'm not gonna be a person.

I'm not gonna be his heart. I just I don't know what I'm going to be editing from. So I have to like, I don't remember necessarily where that all started. So yeah, so I just have to jump in sometimes. Not talking about suicide. Next thing that happened. And well, right now, because Gabe is down, Mary can puke up the genocidal kernel. Yeah. And she swells up like Arnie's on the surface of Mars for a second. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Holy fucking shit. It was the best we could do back then. And I love to that after this happens, right? A demon flies out of her mouth and catches on fire and

Satan's there and everything else after it's all done all the Native Americans are like yeah, we With our magic just did that. That's how these how these go right crazy billionaire remake I want one person to just start Thomas Smith style screaming at the very What the fuck was that? What the fuck was that? Wow! Did you guys fucking see that shit? Wow! Wow! No one is affected by this at all! Amazing. And then Satan eats Christian for walkins hard a little bit.

It comes on himself a little, it looks like. Yeah. And then he like, then like the drunk friend who doesn't want to admit he's too drunk to drive himself home. He's like, yes, walk him over. Yeah. Just catch an Uber. Look, no one wants you to come back and get your car, but look, we're behind it now. It's all happened.

So don't know, watch some DVDs. No, it's nice. Yeah. Five. So that's appropriate. DVDs. No, it's nice. Five. So that's appropriate. But no, we're all catching boobs. I thought honestly, we never hang out. I honestly thought what we were going for here was that he had eaten Christopher walk in his heart. So he gets his overacting ability. Because again, this is where he goes off on his whole like it where like Satan tries to tempt them and he has this whole like I love you What a Jesus moment, which is amazing so good

So amazing That's the second best scene in the movie right there Um, and then it ends on again great fucking line like he's talking to the cop of the cop goes I have my soul and I have my faith. What do you have, Fallen Angel? And he's like, I'm Satan and your shit talking me. You dumb fuck. You know what?

Hey, check that. Check your pocket. That's your mom's shit. Magic. I can't do that anywhere. Yeah, I'm thankful. Your mom's shit is what I have. Mother fuck your mouth.

I did not pick my mom's shit of spades. your mom shit is what I have mother check your mouth. I did not pick the my mom's shit of spades. It did now. So yeah, and then he satin walks off and turns into birds before it was cool. Wave before it was cool. Yeah. And then everybody Christianity happily ever after. I guess.

And this ending monologue is just you could someone ran in here with a shotgun and put it to the back of my head right now. I was like, wrap up the movie for the summer. Oh, well, having a soul is so much like the knowing a plan to check birdies the word. And maybe that's the whole, but I learned something here today the And it makes no sense because you can't shit hold on

I'll kiss the girl so that we know it's over Yeah, plan based on our relationships that is In the end the human being humans all about Native Americans. If me and he started kissing at the end of this episode, it would make more sense than the last four seconds of this movie. Oh my God. Okay. As much I love it. I will. I have to fess up to that. The copy the teacher have as much chemistry as a homeopathy clinic, but at the end of the fucking movie, they just start kissing for no fucking reason. All right. So as a person who OK's Eli's nose, I know a needed rewrite what I see one. So I wanted to close this movie off by asking

us exactly that which two characters should have fallen in love at the end of this flick. Oh, I'm going to say Lucifer and hand tremble. Oh, I forget shot say Lucifer and hand tremble. Oh, I'm sure. I forget shot down by Tommy and Catherine at the end. He just looks over. No, you're lame. Let's go. Good.

A little girl and the angel Simon, like a romantic, yeah, little girl and Simon, like a romantic comedy. I was like, Jerry and Honey Bunny. I'm girl and Simon like a romantic comedy. I Was carrying honey bunny. I'm surprised nobody went Jerry and honey buddy Fock had that love story between a full-grown adult and a rich child Just me And well that's gonna do a far review of the prophecy that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to convince you that it's gonna get worse from here. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? The prophecy to that was intended to be a theatrical release at first.

Walkins in three of these or four of these maybe three of them. Yeah, yeah. Three. Yeah. Well, you know what? I've never seen this one would be zero percent surprised if it was fucking awesome. Indeed. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 92 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing

the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, the Skeptocrat, and Citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com,

legal services for this podcast, or provided by the law, offices of P. Android Taurus. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, VivoVivil Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us this chunk of your life this week for Heath and right knee-lie Bosnick, I'm no illusions promise no work hard to earn another truck next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Rachel the zombie came in Uber driver because internships don't pay. Rachel, the zombie, became an Uber driver because internships don't pay. The birds that Vigo Mortensen turned into went on to murder Brandon Lee. Christopher Walken never realized they made three movies about that summer. Hey, hey, welcome to the barber shop. Oh Oh no, that's all the bug's back. I thought it was Tony D. I was off. I was off. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved. Un chapuzón, con el avito, tu serie favorita,

y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Hey, has visto esta! No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur. Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños. ¡Te apuntas!