God Awful Movies - 94: GAM094 The Prophecy 3: The Ascent

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah tackle the last of the first three movies in the Prophecy trilogy, the third one. And as near as we can tell, the plot of this one is simply that people and/or angels are movies towards and/or away from one another. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And they should not use reaction shots of this actor. She doesn't know what the fuck is. She's clearly like, we bird flying or like, sand is sandy. Like, you can see what's going through her head and has nothing to do with what's happening on screen. Cuts of her at the craft services table. Hi, we're make a movie. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be left as my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who believes in science? Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton believes in science. God damn it. All right. Well, just in case I wasn't depressed for the episode, I appreciate that and sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir?

This movie had just as much Christianity as the Kirk Cameron baseball movie. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. If you insist. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the prophecy three. That is all I can tell you. I've watched it twice and I have no idea. Holy shit. Well, I'm gonna go through it together, figure it out right now. Like, I don't know that we, I don't want to sell that we're gonna figure it out.

Figure it out together right now. Speed through your commute. If we're a commute show for you, I need you to pedal to the metal. That old lady, she didn't need to cross the street anyways. Be the hand to God for her. We're talking 20, 30 minutes most and I'm going to be Carl the Peggy Piger corn for 19 minutes. All right. I feel like you've already sort of hinted at the answer, but Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you're shot to prophecy movies, but you'd really like to

release a third one with B footage from all the same locations of the first two and no plot, you are the Weinstein brothers. Apparently. Wow. Okay, so look, the first movie was actually a pretty decent flick with more aspirations than budget, my opinion. The second one was a crappy cash grab. The third one was God awful. We earned this third one. We earned this shit.

Yeah, this one belongs here. No question from anyone on the panel. This movie belongs under the heading of God awful. And just to underscore how poorly thought out this movie was, I challenge either of you to tell me what the plot of it was. Uh, ghost. Yeah.

Yeah. We go with Eli, definitely toast or maybe Kofa, Faye. I don't know. So okay. So last movie in a trilogy, normally we rank it compared to the first two. And we're going to do that again, but I have to warn you, it was pretty tough to come up with categories where this one, like, could theoretically compete, but I'm going to start off with a genuine one. Where does this one rank in your opinion in terms of angel fights?

Oh, I'm going to say last in fights themselves, but definitely first in dismounts and landing from fights and fight someone was a cousin of a gymnast. They finally got wasn't me and Heath rolling out a bed in the morning for the first. You poop on your way out. Well, it's hard. The beds. I am elegant when I do that, though. And where'd you rank it, Eli? I'm going to go with better weapons for sure, but we're shoving. Yeah. All right. All right. Now, that's fair. Okay. So where does it rank in terms of flashbacks? Best, best. So many dead boobs. Yeah. Agree. First place. There's a large pile of fuck zombies in this movie.

There is. There is. We're getting there. Repeatedly. All right. Where would you rank it in terms of angel names? Um, past. Don't remember the names. I gotta go with worst. No question in this movie.

They just went through the alphabet in the writer's room and they were like, all right. So there's Dan I L and L I L and my I L and pie I L. And they forgot about the letter at it happens to the best. Yeah. And also always avoid the letter. All right. And finally, where would you rank it in terms of angels can't drive gags? Oh, first place. It's really explaining a joke is what makes you know when your dad describes Dave Barry

to you is when you really get it when you get the comic genius that is Dave Barry. That's this movie. I like Dave Barry. Fuck you. I'm going to do the like Dave Barry columns in a quarter-clocker's back, Dave Barry. It's back. All right. In terms of angels can't drive gags getting back to that, I am going to also agree with Eli non-sarcastic first place because the half angel can ride a motorcycle.

That's just great writing. That's great writing. They get, they tie it together. It's just two wheels. The half angel can do it. We'll get there. It really works. Holy shit.

Boy, you can just tell we're trying to drag out this intro because there's no movie here, right? No, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to say best worst. Did I mention there's a pile of fuck zombies. That's a thing in this movie. It's the best best.

We're gonna get there. Yeah, and we're gonna come back to it several times. I'm gonna go with best worst door kickin. There is a door kickin' in this movie that is genuinely I cried with laughter. I stopped this movie to weep with it. It's like you could see that the PA pulled the door open faster than his kick. And it's the best with no foley. So just like, yeah, right. Right. So have you ever seen like a really fucked up? Like a singer who's on heroin and he goes for the microphone stand kick over, but it doesn't quite work. It's that. But with a door, Holy shit. I was going to just give it best worst

final battle. All right. Look, I have watched movies that end in David A.R. White fights. I'm going to give. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm still going to give this the best worst final battle. This, first of all, it made no sense. The stakes were everything and nothing. And it was, it was boring as it could possibly be yet the entire movie hinged on it. And as I'll reveal at the end, it could have been fucking amazing with a very, very slight rewrite. You guys are going to agree with me by the time this is all over. Really? Oh, yeah, very slight rewrite. And one that you, you, you, Jesus, I am so just hinged. Are we going to say anything hinged

on in this movie? Were there any hinges? I feel like that door that that bed is pretty tough. It's all right. You ready to hear that noise a lot in this movie? I think, all right, well, my peer flicks accounts get dusty and I can't get back to those movies until we're done with this trilogy. So we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back We'll dive into all the consecutive scenes that are the prophecy three The Assents many episode

Hello, welcome to weirdly snobby shaving store at the mall. I'm busy even though nobody is in here But you hi, yeah, just looking to buy a razor. I was thinking to go in a dollar shave club, but, you know, I'm here waiting for them to throw out the old synabons. I figure I should stop in and see, you know, check out what you got. I'm sorry. You said cinnamon and I blacked out from Solro. What's dollar shave club?

Oh, it's a razor delivery service. You sign up and they send you super great razorsors like a fraction of the price of normal ones. But, but, PAPSA means big bag of razors available at the local grocery store next to the lucky charms. One sustains themselves and their children on it. No, no, no, it's, it's the executive razor. New members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their doctor, carver's shave butter for only $5 with free shipping. In your first month box, you got an awesome weighty handle, a focus set of four cartridges and a tube of their shave butter.

After your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. That sounds wonderful, but let's not speak of this dollar shave cup again, sir. Perhaps I can interest you in one of these. Ow! Ow! How did I get cut? I didn't even touch it. Yes, sir, that's a straight razor. It will do that. It's just so much blood, right? Crazy. Perhaps so would be interested in something a bit easier to handle. Yeah, maybe like convenient delivery to my door for just a few bucks a month with

no commitments. No hidden fees cancel any time you like that kind of easy stuff. No, sir. I mean this. What's that? This is the Mock Scorpion XJ 77 432 blades, 90 batteries and 76 different settings. Do, um, do I need that stuff? No, no, not at all. It's actually quite a bit. I'm trying to shave with a marital implement covered in knives. I see. Well, you can only get the dollar shave club offer exclusively at dollar shave club.com slash God awful. That's dollar shave club.com slash Godawful. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash Godawful. And I think I'm going to go with that. You're kind of scary.

But we have shave butter too. You do? Yeah, it's made of lamb. Gross. Oh, sorry, buy a lamb. His name's Wallace. It's not very good. It's good. I'm gonna get a cinnamon. DollarShaveClub.com. The smarter choice. Oh, well, it's some serious, are you? Yeah. No, it's not your fault, honestly. Yeah. Why do we sell these in a mall?

Like, oh, mall customers, they love fancy raises. You got 500 bucks to spare. You're here in a mall? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, he raises, you got 500 bucks to spare, you're hearing a mole. He. No, no, just don't do this. Dude, I don't care. Just fill my mouth with my mother's feces. No, I'm not whatever it is. Come on, don't be this way.

No, you know, I actually ran into Vigo Mortensen on the street and I asked him what angel he wanted me to kill. I looked like an asshole. Look, that is not on me. Come on, man. Hear me out, or I'll chain you to a wall and you'll spend a millennia wondering what's slithering through your guts. Oh, you have a way with words.

Thank you. Okay. What do you want? Okay. Hear me out. I need you to help Gabriel this time who still looks like Christopher walkin But he's a human now So now there's two humans who look and act like Christopher walkin. I don't don't get me started

Yes, okay, just go ahead. All right, so I need you to help him kill heavens spy so that the new god Prius won't start heaven opening again. I'm sorry. New God Prius or something. I know I don't make up the names. It's just that's what he's called. Oh, it's the demon Tesla. Watch out. You're a jerk. If you are,. Was Vigo Marketson nice? But I've asked him that. I'm so stupid. I can't wait to meet him. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start this one off with a little Molotov cocktail action. That's right, mother fuckers. Burn down the suburbs. I was actually confused by the very start. They're lighting a mild tough cocktail. Yeah. But for a second,

it looks like a smores. It looks like he's lighting on my arse. I was like, yeah, he's more. No, okay. Yeah, pretty sure that's just you, he's pretty sure. Okay. You guys weren't like, yes, more. That, no, no, yeah. And also, okay. And you got to get used to this. This doesn't happen on lots through the movie, but it happens a lot in act one. We get some like 90s rap video editing where you know, you look at it at the mall top cocktail, but from the North in the South, in the North, then the North, then the East in the South, then the North in the West. So there's going to be a little bit of that. And then he tosses it into a

Norman Rockwell painting of a home. Yeah. And I said this already, but like if you told me this movie was just made of like B footage from the first two movies and a plot line from the second one that just didn't quite work out, I'd be like, yeah, I got it. That's what this movie is. Also, there's this weird moment. It's going to try to be explained later in the movie, but it isn't making any sense. They throw Molotov cocktail in the house and the mom and son from the second movie, they're like, oh, Molotov cocktail. What's the first thing you're supposed to do?

Lie on the floor? Lie on the floor and hold still in a fire, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, no, because the fire's vision is based on movement. Yeah. So, but then we see mom just laid there and calmly died of fire. That's like, that's the shot we get. And that's what they explain later.

Yeah. Yeah. No, and they make no effort to explain why she wouldn't have like gone out of the house or there was a door that led out of the house in that room. Yeah. Well, how fast does a mount of cocktail engulf an entire house inflames? Well, three to five seconds. Three to five. But here's the thing though. Okay. Was that just, you know, like rap video remix editing, or did they actually throw 23 Molotov cocktails

through the exact same part of the window? Right? We don't know. So the goat sailing them through over and over again. Gentlemen, who was good at basketball and then died of heroin. So yeah, the greatest of all time. Yeah. So the living room's on fire. Mom covers up the little kid because mom is made of asbestos. So he'll be fine. And then we get, okay, so now we're going to get the voice over.

Like the movie's going to start proper And we start off on someone like giving us sermon and at first They're just reading from the beginning of the Bible and I'm like, oh, they're just reading the Bible Are they but then they have to stop because it's impossible to read more than 18 consecutive words out of the Bible Before it starts sounding like the dystopian bloodbath that it really is. So they have to start improvising and making shit up by that. Right. God's word was the episode of Cosmos episode. Don't feel the stars from us.

Yeah. Right. We've got this like Hubble image or something like that at the beginning of this of a nebula. And they're like, eh, eh, that looks like God, right? Then that looks like a God thing. More than a science thing. Yeah. So, okay. So, the sermon we're hearing is from this kid at this bum church.

But before we can get there, we have to have Christopher walk and pull up. He learned to drive, sort up. That really, he's just lurching all over the place, trying to park. Perpendicular park. He's trying to just like pull into a spot forward. He's finally. He's finally fine for me. He just throws it in first and then revert. It made no sense. Also, they finally gave him a normal haircut.

Oh, okay, good. Because I wrote, are we just going to pretend that's not Noah in this movie? Okay, we're going to pretend that's not Noah. It looks like vegetarian meatloaf. In every sense you could take that word. And just, yeah, all the other senses too. Yeah, but he's sporting this long mop a hair in this movie that yeah, it looks depressingly like mine I'm like, oh man your hair isn't very lustrous and it's just kind of flops down there like you don't give a fuck and Stopped worrying about it nine years, but that got depressing so I I move done so okay, so he wanders into homeless church

And this is the church of the atheist straw man, right? That's what this Literally just him being like, Oh, God's real, but we're mad at him. We're mad at him. We're mad at him. Bad God. Notty God. Yeah. Oh, and like as if this wasn't like obvious enough from the words that are coming out of his mouth, they actually have one because all the people in the in the crowd are going, yeah, I agree. You are a correct, sir. And then one guy yells, God is dead. And the fucking jukebox needles scratches and everyone shuts up and looks at him and like, God, dude, come on, Nietzsche, fuck off. Oh, I'm sorry. Where is atheist church? Do next building over? This is, put the donut back. This is angry agnostic back. This is angry church. Put the donut back. This is for angry church

don't he pulls front of agnosticism and get it right. Yeah. So, okay. So Christopher walkin comes in to watch this kid preach about how God's ignoring them and then a blind guy shoots the preacher kit. 13 times. Yeah, quite a bit. Yeah. It is the turkey movie. Remember the blood lust movie with the turkey blood freak, blood freak. It is blood freak level repetitive. It's just like pop, pop. I wanted the scream from blood region. the scream from blood region. Oh, air. Everything.

I'm sure. Wait, was that thanks killing? I think there was, there was two different turkey movies. Yeah, I meant blood freak. Yeah, that's one with the silly like this great that he's talking about. Yeah. Okay, so, but just to be on the safe side, you know, because the guy's blind, he shot him at 13 times, but he doesn't know if those bullets hit anything.

So he also pulls out his gigantic fucking knife to go stab him to death too. Yeah. So I guess he's just going to smell his way to the blood. He's part angel. He's one 18th angel. Oh, I'd be able to. Man, also part shark. Yeah.

Right. And of course, walking is hanging out this whole time, just kind of watching the check. Now, we meet Maggie for just a second in this scene. We'll get to Maggie and we'll spend some time on Maggie. But we just meet her briefly in this scene as walk and watch as her watch the preacher kid die and be very sad about that. Now, unfortunately, the blind guy loses his knife. It gets knocked out of his hand because he's blind and there's a lot of people wandering around. So whatever he was planning on doing with that, we'll, we won't find out. So he heads back to his apartment, which is covered in angel script.

Well technically angel graffiti. So I picture like roving gangs of angels stealing cars and selling crap. It's part four. We're not doing part four, but that's what part four is about. We should do part four. And I got to say this factor is terrible at doing blind. Why? Why couldn't they get a blind act? This guy was too perfect of an actor. And he just crushed it in the audition. So yes, so he gets back to his just CD crappy apartment and the voice and he's and he tells the voices in his head that he killed them just like they asked. But

the voices in his head feel like he could have done a better job. Actually, he's getting like and it's pretty obvious that he and the voice in his head need an HR mediator. He's like, Oh, don't do this. Don't, don't give me the silent treatment. We talked about this. If you're not willing to communicate, I'm not willing to communicate. Angels up in heaven. I don't like using the voice of God. Well, and yeah, it's important to point out that the dynamic of the scene is that we hear

him talking, but for the voices in his head, we hear like little kid trying to get that last little bit out of the milkshake. And yeah. So so he apparently he was supposed to cut the heart out of the kid when he shot him. And he did. How you killing angel? Well, you know, if you've been watching his whole trilogy, you know, and we have. Yeah. Um, so it, so the voices in his head are super disappointed with him. And he pulls out a giant knife and starts stroking it like it was a deck. This is Eli's last week. This is ever, this is just trembling in the dark, looking at knives too much. Yeah. Having a fight with the voices in my head. Yeah. I mean, she's

back now, but that was my weak. Yes. I don't have to immediately do dishes after I use them again. Yeah. That was the worst part of it. Just make a big pile. Yeah, you guys have a good. That's what you do. You make a pile and you wash it when it's time because you're living a life full of joy and moments that are just slowly emptying bowls until they wear away beneath your tiny wrinkled pants. All right. Well, now that we've really set the theme for this movie, I feel like we can move right along. Okay.

So now we move quickly to an angel fossil and then we're off to meet jumpy angel. Oh, and he does some sweet, sweet jumps. He lands so soft. It doesn't a superhero jump, but this is the first movie I've seen where someone does a superhero joint, but they throw their hands out like a gymnast. So this villain will jump throughout this movie like, smack. Oh, come on, Russian judge, 9.8. Yeah. And the edit on this jump is insane. He like, first it's like Olympic diver, swan dive, and then like, cut. And he's like, David Blaine levitation land.

That's from the thing. So stupid. Also, he looks like he's, it should be fucking, Belton, one more out for his Durand, Durand cover band. This fucking actor looks ridiculous in everything that he does. Black fingernails. Black fingernails. Come on people.

They, look, I get makeup trying that and him being like, so what do you think, bad ass? But someone not answering that. Oh god, let's take that off you. Let's take that off, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And also, are we supposed to believe that the angels are like, fuck, I'm going to Earth

better do the nails. Anyway, just angels sitting there with their wings spread, a couple of Korean ladies at their hands. What do you think they're talking about? They talk about us. Do you think it's weird that like, we're angels in their Korean? Is this racist? I don't feel it.

They own the business, right? Like, why is it, it's not racist to do business for so I don't, I'm a guy. I feel like this. I was here today. So and now we jump over to the, uh, to the corner from the first two. I love it. He's been in all like walkins thinking, yeah, me and Steve Heitner both think this is a project worth completing.

And the corner, like, there's a lot of ways to introduce the corner. And I will admit, as someone who complained about the whole, let's try on the dead guys clothes, like meme from the first movie, I've got to admit the way they introduce him in this movie is worse, which is, uh, some mom wants her kids eyes back. But fuck you if you don't donate your organs. Sir, yes. You're making your whole body to size. You don't need it.

Just give your whole body. Donate as a matter. That's what I'm fucking puppeteer. I mean, it's a very nice someone should get something out of this. You're trying. Like, I'd get a polite no thanks, you know, I'm sure. But like, put them out there. It's on my license.

It takes 10. Also, you just like, you literally just like, and then they gotta come get your shit. They burn you, they bring mostly wood ash to your family. It's lovely. You're saving some money. Think of it as a monetary thing. Come on, Jews, get on this.

All right, so. We got Koreans, Jews, check, check. Okay, no, you were moved. Oh, no, is it racist that you would want a white person to do your nails instead? I feel like that would be more racist. Well, yeah, is it? I mean, I, you know, I think when we try to parse out exactly how racist we're being, I think that's when this shows that it's bad.

I think we're out of six. I'll put us to six five. I've been trying to keep you guys both at a one. Wow. So. All right, I'll give you a point for that seven five. Seven five. All right. Judges. So the coordinator now has the preacher kid's body with all those very evenly spaced bullet holes. And he's going with his, he's going with his old cop

humor again. He goes, uh, lead poisoning, fun work environment. Keep it fun. Keep it fun. Yeah. And again, with the gunshots, the shooter made them into like a connect the dots of like the angel sign. Yes.

The blind. He's blind. Right. Okay. I saw that correctly. Well, no, don't worry. They'll explain this in the deleted scene. Well, no, don't worry. They'll explain this in the deleted scenes.

Well, that, okay. So, okay. And this is where I deleted scenes. I would imagine there were a lot of deleted scenes. I want to be clear. Since he is the only character that runs through the entire series aside from Christopher Walken, it is now a perfectly good argument to say that this series is about the coroner. That is the one that I did not see coming.

All right. So, and by the way, this kid, this is where I first started to figure out that, oh, this is the Nephilim from the first one, right? This is the kid that the last one was about. So the coroner realizes he sees the kid's mom's name or whatever, and then he suddenly remembers the eight-second interaction that the two of them had in the second movie. About angels though, I mean, to be fair, like, one time a homeless guy pulled out his

ball sack and very clearly had one ball that was like dead and black, and it only took a couple of seconds, but like, if I'm a ninja, I'm gonna be like, oh my god, it's dead ball sack guy. I remember you forever every time I try and close my, but like, if I'm a ninja, I'm gonna be like, oh my God, it's dead ball, sick guy. I remember you forever every time I'd cry and close my eyes. Like, I do it. I do it. Real estate, really. So,

so the corner takes his intern who he's been fucking with throughout this scene, Indicea's collection of relevant, dead burned human body photos. And basically from that, is collection of relevant dead burned human body photos. And basically from that, he's doing the zoom and enhance cliche. But he's doing it wrong. He's like, no, look at the body position. And then like fucking the guy who invented the turducken,

he traces the like body. And it doesn't make a person shape. It makes like a, it makes like a hammer shape and he's like a human form. And I'm like, what human? Yes. The invisible child body recognizer tool in Photoshop. Yeah. Just click near somebody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were cradling and invisible slightly smaller person. Yeah, yeah, exactly. In a fire. By the way, I believe Eli was referring to John Madden, as the guy who I don't think he invented the turducket, but he has known for drawing things on a screen. He is actually a video game maker. You're always video games.

Yeah, he did. So yeah, and what he's learning, what he's realizing here is that this is the child of the lady from the second movie who fucked an angel, which he didn't know in this, but at any rate, yeah. So he realizes that this is a half angel dead baby that he's got here. Yeah, and at one point, he's got his little helper guy with him as he's like enhancing the photos

and he's like pointing stuff out to the guy and he's like, hey, so look here, click in here. What does that look like to you? And the guy's like, oh, like she got burned by Nape-Pom. Like really fast. Like, hey man, you jumped to Nape-Pom.

Like, you know what that looks like real quick. I was testing you. You failed. They don't bleed like we do. All right. I, this internship's not gonna turn into a job. I feel like I should tell you that now. Cause you, as well as Nape-Pom all the time.

We had a guy who got stabbed the other day. Like, oh, Nape-Pom knife. I just like, I want to see your basement. Whether or not that's true. So, but of course, throughout all of this, Durand Durand is stomping his way towards him. And also, we get, so everyone's now

in the police station, Morgan station, because the cops have also picked Christopher Walken up at the scene of the crime and are questioning him about the shooting. Yeah. And walken is, is being vague to the cops. Honestly, at this point, this series could be called being unhelpful to the police. The police.

The trillage. Yeah. That is the only running. They know Christopher Walken's pauses and people not helping the police when they need it is the undercurrent of these stories. Yeah. And I don't even know what they're going for with this scene, right? Because he's standing there.

He's talking to the cop and he's being really charming and the cop obviously really likes him and he has weird answers to the questions. But none of this ever comes back. There's never any reason why we would watch this scene. Yeah. And he's just like missing information on his ID, right? That's it. Yeah, there's like no date of birth because he's so mysterious. He's the claim for the camera and checking and being like, you get it because I have an angel.

Yeah, but like he can't make up a date like, or like it physically won't appear. It's like back to the future. Like, what I don't understand. Well, yeah, and he's got and he's like, oh, your driver's license just has the word Gabriel. No last name. Are you like staying or whatever? And I'm just like, you not allowed to just put whatever you want on your license. How do we supposed to anyway? Yeah. And apparently he still has his, even though he was turned into a human in the last movie. So he's no longer an angel. He apparently still has his knowing people's names and old nicknames powers. Yeah, that's a carryover. So I don't know why he didn't go for like birthday parties and permits, but I'm just saying a lot of sense. And again, I'm pointing this out because

it will never come back in the movie and it's completely unimportant like all the other stuff will be pointing out. So now Durand Ran makes it to the police station. He comes in and he's like, where's your morgue? And the guy's like, you can't just go to the morgue. And he's like, I have FBI credentials. And he throws his FBI credentials up. It's like, it's like an FBI business card from Bista Print. It might be a same as the print on it.

Right. Well, it doesn't the back. And they just put that on the back. And it turns out that he doesn't actually have it. He's just got like angel psychic paper from Dr. Who, like that, they saw an episode of Dr. Who, and they were like, ooh, I bet angels have that too. I bet angels have that too.

Right, they do such a poor job of establishing. He uses this power one other time, which is the only reason you can tell. But at this point, because the guy buzzes him in the door, and he doesn't know what that is. And I'm like, okay, so there's an angelic training program that includes credential forgery, but not door opening.

And just like a tiny moment of how poorly made this movie is, you know how when you buzz someone into like a police thing, it makes that really horrible like, eh, noise, right? But like in real life, you move through that door as quickly as possible, but they do it for Shrager. And while the actors just because it's fully so the actor wasn't like, oh, I better end this noise to the doctor. The actor's like, I'm cool. I'm a cool guy.

I'm a cool guy. Oh, this little speck of white on my perfectly blackened nail. The guy was in hot topic before I came here to kill the Nephilim. Still. Yeah. Someone in the back just like, fuck it. Come in. Yeah. So, so we cut back down to where they're interviewing Christopher.

Well, actually, they're done interviewing Christopher Walk and they got an interview with a girlfriend who was also in this same building. So C.W..Wox is leaving. But first he has to grab a donut and because he's C.Wox, it's amazing. Honestly, watching him describe slash Eda donut would have been the best part of this moving. Yeah. Shockletting sprinkles covered in the list.

Yeah. Later on in the movie, he orders breakfast and it is the single best moment in the, and it's just a breakfast order. Yep. It's just he is magnetic. He's just magnetic and the rest of this movie is like getting a hand job from a nun. It's like no one wants to do this. That's pretty awesome. Actually, I think you're underestimated. We should really work. We should workshop these examples. We'll throw them out. Quote tweet are this episode and send it and then Andrew and Thomas will announce it on the next show.

Yeah. Like getting a hand job from what's the good analogy? The non Christopher walking parts of this movie are like getting a hand job from blank. Go guys. Hashtag Christopher walk and hand job. All right. So he runs into the grand, a random hall. That is not a new hash. No, it is. Yeah. No, you're right. I'm gonna get an egg retweet from somebody. Hey, I've been doing this for years. Motherfuckin' you, Johnny

come lately. So all right. So now we go full, old, best showdown with Durand Durand and C. Walkstanding in the police hallway or whatever. Oh, it's also this is where we learn this angel's name for the first time Zofio Zofio right they have literally reached the last alphabetical angel. They're like fuck there can only be three guys We're on Zofio. I've got zizix after this. That's it. I take quite a bit of that guy a day I just want to say he's really balanced me out after all these years Ask your doctor if so feels right Tears your heart out. I'm not depressed anymore

That's what it feels like to be a human So he's like yeah, get out of my again, and of course he has to give Christopher walking some shit cuz he's human now He's like you used to be so badass, but now you're just a human. He's like, yeah, I am. So get out of my way, monkey. And I'm like, hey, dude, monkey is power work. Yeah.

And this actor is trying to walk in at walking. He's trying to like pause, like match pauses with walking. It's the fact you can't do it. I thought they're going to like collapse into a neutron star of walking pauses. Like, it's so bad. Just one teaspoon of this movie. That's what it was. And bounds. Yeah. So,

Oh, pound. So, yeah. So he wonders off the, the girl friend over here's part of this conversation and from it takes I better follow this stranger to the morgue. Yeah. He was like, well, that looks suspicious. I think I'll follow and maybe fight that angel. Yeah. What?

So yeah, that's what happens. All right. So now we head back to the morgue where the dead kid is having flashbacks, even the dead people in this fucking movie are going to get dream sequences. And Jesus, he remembers being chased by an angry mob and he remembers when he got shot like 30 seconds ago. And then he dreams about being stuck on a big naked pile of fuck zombies. Yep. Yep. This is where we first meet our pile of fuck fuck zombies, the star of the film, with like half done elf from Lord of the Rings standing on top of the fuck zombies. Oh my god. Like, okay, so this is supposed to be the main villain of the movie, right? This guy shows up with like long blonde hair, looking like somebody's fat cousin or something.

And he's like, I literally wrote my notes at this point. Look, it's the least frightening person. Also, I've had this dream. If the person in white doesn't start singing all that jazz, it's a whole thing. I don't want to get it. And all that jazz. All right. Now the boys zombies. So, deja vu, I'm all right. And, with the, they keep using this pile of fuck zombies as the, as the image of like the terror that is to come. What? That is not at all intimidating. Like just flip over. I mean, maybe I'm just getting a long read of what that piles for,

but like, I'm the guy that would make the best out of a bad situation I'm just saying Left hand green I would be the worst looking person in that pile though Can you imagine just a pile of gorgeous naked people in me and you land next to me for all eternity? You're just like oh this is bullshit are you serious looking her look at her? She's like eight dead zombies are next to Eli He's even how is he eating?

Excuse me. I'm climbing past I'm climbing around Excuse me. No, there's no moving in the fuck pile So now the dead get wakes up from that Horrible image in the dead guy fridge and his you know, we like, I've got him in my notes as Zofi from this point out because I didn't want to try to remember out his bell, so feel. So the girlfriend's suspiciously following Zofi around and the coroner is watching the dead fridge to see if the kid comes out because he knows how these angels are about suddenly burning in these movies.

And there's a shot here of him like banging on the morgue door, trying to get an open. And I feel like, just me, when those things be super easy to open just in case, like, don't you want to just, you just want those to pop right open. Right. The first thing when you sit down for morgue design 101, you're like, we want everything to open from the inside Notches levers little sign on the inside everything that says oopsie are bad. Yeah, right, right Exactly a glow of the dark sticker that says you are not trapped or something along those lines

So if you work in a morgue, let us know and let us know if that's not best practices We feel like it should be maybe it's just that we've seen when one too many angel movies, but yeah. So the corner, so the kid pops out of the fridge. The corner sees him not being dead. Takes a polaroid. This will not come in later. And then the kid runs off. Now I want to point out about this kid. This kid is skinny like I'm skinny. He's like, he looks like Ted Mosby, like not a convincing action hero who's supposed to be a giant flare of evil angels, fall of humanity, savior. No. Yeah.

Right. It's just this skinny fucking kid that just looks all bird-chested and messed out and everything. And it's just like, dude, I'm gonna give that guy a shirt. He looks like Aladdin just got out of like a conditioner commercial. He's got like feathered hair. It's so stupid. He looks like one of those like magazine ads at the back. He looks like a beforehand, like from skinny to scrunchy. Yeah, exactly. Pull on is like, they even have him do like to grab in the corner and give him the threatening punch and I'm like, oh, no, it would be like, you know, it would be like getting into a fight with a little kid at this point.

Not that I never mind moving on. No, a fauna kid in Ireland. We don't like to talk about it. I wouldn't say fought. I would say kick, disaster. All right. So, yeah, but anyway, this, so we all bought him. He had it coming. So like, I'm sorry, but his phone was practically charged. Mine was almost dying. So, okay. So

Zofi shows up a minute too late after the kids already run off and he just has to stand there being ridiculous because that's all this actor is able to do, but it's too late. And the coroner's just like, oh, he went that way. And he's like, really? And he's like, yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. I'm not a part of this. Yeah.

So, okay, so now the girlfriend shows up a second later, and it's just her in the corner, left in the morgue, and she wants some answers. But my goodness, she cannot act. This is where we as the audience learn. She can take a second take. She like, no, you don't just stand there and tell me he, I just asked the only,

generally all of our notes at this point are just like woof Now now like you know your lines She doesn't even know like what sentences are ending with like questions or state like right You're telling me he just walked out of here He's doing a bad Christopher walkin' in personation. She's like, he does pause this. I am also a good actor. Sometimes the lions got to get up.

Oh, she, and she, this chick is bad enough to be in a fucking Christian movie. And what's more is that they like really put her through the paces of acting, right? Like this is the one character in this movie where you actually needed a real actor and she is fucking awful. Holy shit is she fucking bad. All right, so now we cut to C-walks, um, who comes across the Nephilim kids stealing a shirt out of a car, you know, because cars have shirts have outfits that fit you perfectly. Yeah, absolutely. Shoes socks closed. Underwear, absolute. I always I carry seven different size outfits in the back of my pre-s at all times. Yeah. Well, and when you have a 27 inch waist, it's super easy to find that kind of stuff. So yeah, the kid and the, and they should point

out that when he was having the flashback, there was a brief image of like the kid running from a mob and Christopher walk and putting him in his trench coat, which is a weird pick. If he's there, be traced by a mob of kids. And in front of you is Christopher walk in wearing nothing but a trench coat. I'd say you go with the mobomma kids. You deal with it. He was after the Momma, I mean, he was obviously going towards the Momma kids. So yeah, but so you're kind of left wondering what's happening in your life that that's all I don't want to get into. You're having a weird day.

I've had that fantasy. I've actually kind of worked it out in my head, how that, but anyway. So yeah, so they run into each other here and you're kind of wondering as a, as an audience member, whether they know each other or not, right? They don't. The movie gives you nothing to fucking grab onto here, but they don't. They meet, they have a bizarre, weird guy at the subway is talking to you conversation doing slam poetry. You're a stranger. Why are you doing slam poetry, man? I know you were born both times. It's fantastic. All right. I don't have anything. Those are the words

that they wrote me wrote down for me to say and they're paying me. So yeah. So now we go to the corner guy so that we can have the obligatory studying ancient texts montage. See, he saw the, the symbol on Zofiul's neck. And so now he's looking that up in his handy, dandy, angelic symbol dictionary. Right. And Zofiul's the spy of God. But this is how stupid this montage is. He's researching, researching, researching, and then he has literally written in his notebook, angels plus women equals bad news, research, research, research, research, really bad news. Yes. This is the level of excellence we can come to expect from these movies, people.

He's a whole new meeting to spell it out for us, huh? Wanted like janitor Matt Damon to walk in and help them solve it. Like, angels plus women equals bad news. All right. Well, so bad news, minus women equals angels. You get it? You get it? No.

Also, after the whole, like the formula of angel plus woman, he just starts writing plot points on the bottom of his legal platform, one after the other. God's rough, flawed genocide. I thought he was about to write the Jews did it. All right. And then we learn the final villain of this movie's name will be. Peryl.

Peryl. Peryl. Peryl. How close can we get our final villain's name to period the movie? Yeah, exactly. What a angels wash their hands with. Yeah, right. And also, like, because he writes like, Genesis, and then he writes, Peryl, at the bottom of his notes, and he goes, perial. The hell is perial.

As though, like, why did you write it down? You don't just write down words. You don't know on paper when you're anyway. Yeah. Good Knifke shirt for. Well, oh, yeah, I think I'm having a stroke again. Coveffi. You wrote it down, man. So all right.

But just tweet that. I'm unprecedented. Um, but just as he's about to give up his study, uh, Maggie, the girlfriend, uh, character shows back up. And she has not learned to access the last scene in case you're curious. By the way, people are just milling around this police board constantly. I don't know what time it is, but she's just like, Oh, um, way, people are just milling around this police morgue constantly. I don't know what time it is, but she's just like, oh, um, hi, I was just walking around in this police station. I'd like to talk to you, corner now again, the following day, the day before that evil angel guy was just walking around wherever you fucking felt like it. They have

no FBI powers, but yeah, how the fuck she managed it? Yeah, she must have slapped in one of those fridges or something. I don't know. So now we cut to Durand ran the next morning. He's stalking around and he's hunting and we learn this when he finds a hair on the street and slowly licks it. Oh, this movie has gotten yuckyer and yuckyer across the series. I'm glad we're not watching movie four because there's no question Christopher walk and just like puts a turd in a hot dog bun and is like, oh, he went south. Daniel Shad here.

So yeah, such a bad job with the angel powers. Like we have sniffing fast at going downstairs because of jumping power and hair tasting now is what's happening. Yeah. Well, and FBI credential powers, but yes, yeah, exactly. And I just missed the print. I know. That was the other part. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I missed a print account. But I just want this scene to be longer. I want him, you know, no, bum pub, no, another bum pub. There he is. But we get so has he gone down on Daniel, how's he like, oh, that's there. That's Daniel. Yep. So meanwhile, we get, we get Daniel just sitting by a pond or something, having more visions of death and angel wars. I get it. He's having a flashback

to the reason Connie attended. I understand. I understand. I was, ha ha ha ha. Pile of fuck zombies, guys. Pile of what you, if you missed it, you missed it. All right, and then he starts seeing like angelic script and stuff in the water, or maybe not, fuck the vinyl, but this is apparently pivotal to the movie, right? This is where he gets the mission or whatever that he's gonna be on for the rest of the movie,

but we are not queued into what the fuck it is. Never. Sure, aren't we sure aren't. And I mean, I don't mean we're not queued into it now. I mean, at this moment as we record, we still have no fucking idea. Yeah, no, we watched the movie and that's why we know this moment is when that happens, but like, there's no point in the movie at which it's explained to us that that's what happened.

No. So, okay. So, first thing Daniel apparently needs to do is go to the assassin's apartment, but this is where he's going to have to show us how awesome he is at door kicking. Oh my God, I can't describe again. These are definitely not one of the movies that we watch for you to watch along. But if you can make it to him, just like, imagine. All right. So here's my best visual representation.

Imagine that there was a wall of jello. You rested your foot against it and then just pushed it in. Have you ever seen a souffle, cave in? Like, have you ever known souff souffle cave in like you've ever known. So I'm going to do my notes and I had already seen that I'm the best worst thing on our notes. Eli had written in a best worst door kick. So I was looking for it. I was warned. And when this happened, I fucking laughed for two and a half minutes. It's amazing how weak and I like it's hard to imagine. I would think like two and a half minutes. It's amazing how weak and like,

like, it's hard to imagine. I would think, like sitting here, listen to this, like, how weak could it possibly be, right? But yeah, that's, that's only because words fail us. Like the karate instructor for the six year old holding a door and then just throwing it when the kid kicks it. Oh, what a kick. What a kick you got there. Breaking a board with your hands and a toddler's like, do I have psychic powers? As long as your parents keep paying the $39.99 every Thursday. You're a ninth level black belt. Yes, you are. And the ancient art of martial arts, because there are guns now and they don't matter anymore.

Actually, just so you know, at Eli Bosnick, I take BJJ. I'll shoot you. I'll shoot you. I'll shoot you in your throat. I know. I can't wait to watch you. I get choked up by some BJJ guy. I can't wait to watch you.

Come on, Joe Rogan. Damn. Use your gun. Eli, where's your gun? What's up? Oh, you're unconscious because I choked you out. Okay. And we're unarmed the entire time. Yeah.

So, okay. So he kicks in the door. He goes in. This is where this is the CD assassin apartment, but the assassin has killed himself. And but he's got a book next to him, a book of, of, of, of Braille in which he has written the angelic symbol for all work and no play over and over again. Okay.

Real quick. So he's got the blood-painted angel glyphs on top of Braille. Yeah. I mean, that's a stupid place to draw anything, right? A Braille book? Is that ever useful? No one's going to see what you drew. Yeah, right.

But yeah, so okay, Zofi, meanwhile, the grand ran angel is also heading for that very same apartment. Oh, no. Well, there's no like window tackle thing or anything. I wanted to both like dive at the doggy door and get stuck. All right. Okay. Yeah. This is awkward. You back at your shoulder first. You put no left. You turn. I'm the other turn counterclockwise. I can't do. Argo and our games are getting stuck. What if we kick fight through the door? So we just we both put our feet in through the door and you can't.

I am a pretty devastating door kicker. I'll have you know, I need some butter. Well, earth balance. I'm lactose intolerant. some butter. Well, Earth balance. I'm lactose intolerant. All right. So yeah. So the Daniel runs off. Zofi comes in and realizes that he's gone. So he demonstrates another one of his interesting angelic powers. Tastes the eyes of the dead blind guy, which allows him to see the image that the eyes saw even though the eyes didn't work and he's dead. Yes, he should have seen Braille. I see a bunch of dots.

Oh, fuck, I have to lick his fingers. Dammit. Shit. Yeah. So yeah, so he licks the dead guy's eye, which allows him to see his dead memories. Um, and I just wanted to flash cut to like Eli jerking off in front of him and let their octopus suit or something. But no, what he learns is, yeah, the guy just now jumped out of that open window. I, he's like, fuck, man, I did the whole purging thing and the, I, I could have looked

out the window. You like, did you see anything in Ray Comfort's soul? Did you get anything? So quite a bit. So love, a fear of who he was becoming. It's all the inability to turn back. We're here for you, Ray. We're here for you.

So now it's time we come over to go to a full movies with your guests, Ray Kempfett, and they were naphiest. Ah. Staying your lane. Alright, so now it's time to go to a donut shop where the kid, the Daniel, the Nephilim kid is doing his much heath impersonation. How do you guys eat donuts, not as fast as you can? Why would you go slow for donuts? No, by the way, it's free donut day at Dunkin' Donuts as of this recording. I'll let you out everybody because you can't if you're listening to this after not now,

which you're not never mind. But I can afford a donut. I'll go ahead and just purchase one for the 30 cents they charge. I'll buy 12 of them, throw 11 in the garbage, and then eat the one donut that I want is. I'll buy 12 of them throw 11 in the garbage and then eat the one donut that I want is what I'll do. Free sheet of paper day next week. It's staples. It could have been what it could have been free Danish day. It could have been worse. Yeah. That's right. That's right. So yeah. So I can Danishes on record. We're getting real on these shows now, guys. So yeah, so he's eating a bunch of donuts and also drinking, I believe a glass of sugar. What, I mean, what was, I feel like this is coffee the same way that Lucinda and I do,

so I appreciate it. Yeah, this honestly, I didn't even get the gag for a second. It's like oh, so he takes it like yeah my wife Keep going mother fucker. What are you running out? It was such a weird scene. It feels like the whole thing was from like a different movie like the editor got a piece of this actor's Real and But it was a scene. Yeah, oh yeah, he's don't it's like a mother fucker all of a sudden pumpkin and honey bunny start yelling You fucking bricks, but now we're not doing that. No, no. It's all right.

Is the point here that angels love sugar because they're part bird? Is it a bird? No, see, they'll explain this in such a way that it'll make perfect sense. A few things. It ties together beautifully. It's like a motorcycle thing. It becomes science. All right.

So now we're at the corner's house. He has taken Maggie, the girlfriend to his house to try to fuck her into not acting for a minute or something. He's also talking to his plants here as sort of like flavor to the exposition-based scene that we're in. He's like, yeah, have some water there, Tony. Don't forget to capture sun and turn it into carbon monoxide. Damn. Steve. Not that. Please don't do that plants.

If you're any, if any plants are listening, please, we have plenty of cement reliance. Well, and also the conversation is so fucking stupid because he's like, have you ever heard of a Nephilim? It's a half angel, half human. And she's like, are you saying that Daniel's a Nephilim? And he's like, that is what I'm saying. But I have not gotten anywhere near close enough to that for you to assume it at this point. Just script is terrible. I'm seriously asking. I don't know. Am I saying that? You know Milwaukee, right? Are you saying Daniel's Milwaukee? Oh, okay, I get what's going on. All right. I'm with you now. I want to take

issue with you here, Heath, because I believe you just said this script is awful. This script contains the sentence, I've had four gutted her mafroidites burned a pitch right under my nose. Also three French hens. It's for the nice song. Also three French hens. It's for the nice song. By the way, I put that in my notes. Auto completed after four gut. Oh, well, one of the girl that goes, is this line ever worked? You mean, did her Maffer Knights burn to black pitch? Render to your nose? Yes, I did. Are you saying Daniels, black pitch? No, shut up. And I love to at the end of this, like, you know, he's like, you know, this happened in the first movie, this happened in the second movie, it turns to where he's like, any suggestions.

And I'm like, I hear we'll get better if we alternate lines on row, row, row, row your vote. I hear that. I'll help. Row. Or I feel like saying all the stupid shit that happened over the last two movies was a bad idea right? I want to start fresh.

No. No. Also, was it just me or was this guy just gargling his saliva through the whole scene? Oh my God. It was off. Somebody get him one of those dentist vacuums just for the whole scene. It's ridiculous. He was like, I bet you I could do this whole scene

with a mouthful of it. It's like when we're doing the count off at the beginning of a record. And I take a big gulp and you're like three and I'm like, oh, four, four, five, seven, ten. That's how he like counts. So yeah, okay. So now after he blows some bus. Yeah. So he has tracked Daniel to the donut shop and the donut guy, the donut cash year isn't good. He goes to the guy and he's like, Hey, have you seen a guy about this tall with brown hair? And he goes, yeah, that without a specific description like that, I can definitely help you. But I want $50 for it. Oh, one of the angel to just be like, let me lick your eyeball just in case. I want $50 for it. I want to be angel to just be like, uh, let me lick your eyeball just in case I want to make sure to send him guy.

Also, by the way, this donut shop got a D from the like sanitary grade people. Well, like what puts you over the top from F to D? How do you get it? Like the come they found was HIV negative. So you're going to be now like spirit. It's a D for effort. Yeah. All right. But I do want to say this is the this is the closest this movie comes to a truly good line because the guy's like, I'll eat $50. He's like, if you don't help me, you'll spend the next thousand years, chain to a damp wall, wondering what's been crawling through your bowels for the

last 750 years. And I'm like, that was pretty good. I have so many questions about this. Okay. So, um, he gets 250 years off. Well, so the wall, it's not wet. It's just damp. Just damp. Does that come into play? Does a damp wall often create a very slow ass worm? I think I think that was being a blind here. If it's it's mildew and assworms is the reason why you don't want to perpetually damp like that. And why does it take 250 years for the assworm to even show up? What's it? It's a wet wall. It would only take a hundred. Why wouldn't you want it to

take only a hundred if you were making a threat? Dance back ass worms. Dance back. Make a wet wall, starting a lot of feuds on the show. Yeah. Guys got access to water. He's got a damp wall. Just use more. Make a faster ass worm like Jesus Christ. Think it through. He's what I'm saying. Yeah. So, okay. And this is the second and last time that he'll use his FBI power thing because he holds up a napkin, but he makes the guy think it's a $50 bill. And he's like, yeah, man, I saw the dude. He was scarfing down donuts.

And he's like, yes, spontaneous tissue regeneration makes you need sugar. And I'm like, oh, now it's science. Got it. So I will ruins. I was chugging maple syrup. Yeah, exactly. So and also I love to that the answer from this guy the cashier is like, yeah, he's in the bathroom. It's like fuck man if I just stick to have a studio for another three minutes, I could have kept my napkin mother fucker to which Sofile has the best response he goes hiding in shit just like a monkey. I'm just saying so much of this movie is now going to enter my lexicon. I just hiding in shit just like a monkey,

chain to a damn wall. And I guess since the last door kick was so awesome, they go for another one here. That's this guy's entire resume. Just bullet point. I kick doors. Half angel kick doors will travel. Well, not just kick doors, but he's also got a super sweet sleeve knife. Yeah. Okay. So Zofi is coming up to the bathroom to go fight Daniel. And right before you can get their Daniel kicks the door off its hinges again, do the legged bullshit kick, but the door flies off the hinges and they get into a fight. But Zofi has a switch blade, athema apparently, I guess, which they used to have a shove fight. Yeah, they just they have he has a knife, but they do

not have a knife fight. He might have set it on the floor and be like, I'll need this later. Yeah. Yeah. Well, even down to the point where like the, the Daniel blocks a knife stab with a thing that doesn't slow his hand down. Yeah. That's nothing. If you dodge, just dodge without a prop. You don't like dodge and put something out that the knife goes. That's just a waste.

Like this, this fight seemed like it honestly, I felt like at one point, like, Zofi should have been like, Hey, did you want to push me one? Took us otherwise, I would just catch you as you wouldn't buy. You just gonna probably want to push me before you. Yeah. Matador stuff with a knife fight is not your proper way of doing things. So now it's time for the chasing, which starts by jumping through a window. That's right.

It's a prophecy movie guys. Oh, and there's some, there's some sweet parkour going on. A lot of fence parkour smooth leaping. It's, it's a lot of the same sets. Like, did you guys feel like this was the exact same set as the one she ran up in the last movie when walking was trying to get Brittany Murphy to hit her with a car like a lot of the same sets. I feel like to get Britney Murphy to hit her with a car like a lot of the same sets. I feel like they switched movies day to day like they're like, all right, PM crew

get in here. You get to film prophecy three now. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Which would explain why it changes from day to night quite randomly. Sometimes it does. Yeah, but I got to be honest, like this was probably the best stunt work that any of these three movies offered this parkour section. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was not good, but like it was better than anything else we'd really gotten in the series so far.

They're like running like over fences doing a few cool jumps that there's like racks of clothing rolling everywhere that they're dodging. There's like Apple carts full It's a tiny little apple. Shame to from the dry cleaner from earlier in the other movie. I'm saying it's all the same scenes. I said. So yeah, but now of Durand ran eventually catches up with them and he grabs them and he's about to pull his heart out, but just then C Walks drives into him.

Get some of this car. Yeah, exactly. And the kid gets away. So instead of chasing the kid some more, we have to have a little dialogue between Christopher Walken and Zofiel. And look, this is a terrible movie, but one of the not terrible moments in it is Zofiel being like, oh, I'm going to beat you up up, walk in and walk in the actor very clearly. He's like, hey, hey, don't touch me.

And he's like, all right, sorry, Mr. Walken. You know, you have an ear and it's touching me because we're in the same movie. And then Christopher Walken explains that having orgasms as a human is way better than being an angel. Yeah. Is that what this meant?

I think. I was so confused by this. Oh, absolutely. Like, it sounded like you was talking about, like, buying a prostitute. Yeah. And then dying on the inside and that death, the death is good. Well, that's the orgasm. That's what it was so weird.

Yeah, because he kept saying that, like, having sex with a woman is like dying, but he meant that in a good way that Yeah, does he have a human penis now cuz he's not an angel. That's a good question The penis vagina combo. Yeah, right? What's your definition of a human penis Christopher walkin's penis? We should we should publish an article in a magazine about this. Yeah, exactly and had Christopher walkin's penis We should publish an article in a magazine about this. Yeah, exactly. And Christopher Walkins penis. Same guy.

Seriously, you will be hearing from my lawyer, Tandrew Dorres. God dammit. All right. So now we cut to the Nephilim. Can he's gone back to the church where he got shot at the beginning of the movie. He's perching over a giant bunch of floorblood, but he's floor perching because he's only half angel. He's not. He can't get up on something like, yeah, not yet.

Must learn stand to then learn flight. So the girlfriend comes in here. And by the way, they're in this like the what the abandoned church from the second one or whatever. And all the windows are boarded up, but like, I feel like somebody like boarded them up. And so he's like, who put them all parallel? I said, a skew. And they had to like, look them into a skewness and put like random piece of cardboard.

So yeah. So. And again, this actress cannot even like pull off, walk into a room and look at person without fucking it up. Nope. That's how bad you like you could in sideways and then turns your head all the way around. Like I would I don't think anyone could act this

perfectly on purpose. I would challenge and the greatest actors in the world could not pull off this badder performance intentionally. All right, so the kiss and he gets like, they both get more silly angel war, fuck zombie pile flashbacks. Right. She's in the fuck zombie pile and she's like, no, no, no, no, I don't, I don't like it. I'm not into this. Yeah. Right.

And then he tries to shoe her away like old Yeller, like fucking war horses. They said, get out of here. Get out of here. You was absolutely what they were going for. I'm not euthanizer. She continues to be in this room.

Not yet. Later on, we'll get to it. We'll get to it. So yeah, so he runs her off. She leaves and watching her run across the park and parking lot all sad was so amazing. I just get going back and watching it again. She was like, I need car cry jogging. So why would you ask this? And I feel like at this point, the director is just fucking with her right?

He's like, okay, now what I want you to do. I want you to be sad, but also disappointed, but also frightened, but also jogging go Sad Yeah, so okay, but as she's running to our truck she sees that Sophie's coming right and she knows that She sees that Sophie's coming, right? And she knows that he's evil because she followed him to a morgue earlier in the movie. And then he left and she has no other knowledge of him. So she runs off to call 911 and tell him that she just saw a suspicious angel murderer. Yeah, she's going to call the guys. Hi, police, an angel's trying to kill my boyfriend again.

Never mind. I'll just do. I'm going to handle this on my own. You know what? No. Can you? Can you, there's a pedophile in a school. No, still no, I don't understand. There's a silent alarm at a church. Okay. Awesome. We'll be here any second. Yeah. All right. But meanwhile, inside we have to have another angel fight. And this fight really opens up the pure wets in a way that fight scenes don't usually jump. Joust is what I have this call.

It's a very, very much jump tackle based fight. Yeah. And the bad angels doing like figure skating triple luts is the land out of his jump tackles. They're very, again, they're beautiful. I think Russian judge was not impressed. So Daniel wins the fight and he ends up pinning Zofi to the wall with the pipe that he was fighting him with. It all awkwardly.

Yeah. Yeah. By the left shoulder only. Yeah. Um, if it could have gone with something a little less ridiculous. And then he runs off and Daniel steals a motorcycle. Yep. And kind of like a prickish like man, it seems to me like you could have waved him down

at least. You just grabs a random motorcycle and murders him and as much as how the movie needs to go. I'm going to be driving on this motorcycle west from here on out. So by Yeah, so he drives off now Maggie goes in The rest of the movie will just be that character driving around on a motorcycle looking silly So literally all that happens. The plot of this movie. The plot of this movie.

The entire movie consists of people moving towards or away from each other for reasons we don't understand. Yep. That's it. So okay. So now the girlfriend comes back in and we find out that the character is no brighter than the actress. Okay.

Let's wait a second here. So Zofiel is stuck to the wall by his shoulder. He's got a pole through his shoulder sticking him to the wall. And he's like, oh, good, you're here. Pfft. Um, can you come closer to me? Can you give me a hand?

She just shoots a harpoon through his right shoulder. Oh, thank God. Thank God. shoulder. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. And his and his response isn't, hey, can you call 911? Can you get me an ambulance? It's like, can you stand closer to where I am? And she's like, yeah, yeah, I can do that. Absolutely. This seems safe. Need to move that plot forward. This seems safe. Need to move that plot forward. That what the what forward. Anyway, so yeah, so he pulls the pipe out of himself. Falls to it seems like he would have done that right away if he had that option. Falls to the ground and then climbs the actress in a way that looks like

that actress. That was not a stage direction. She looked very unprepared for that. Oh, hey, Dave, we didn't say we were doing this in the scene. Cut, cut. No? All right. So, okay. So then he starts talking and she gets creeped out and runs away, but he grabs her sweater so that she can be in a tank top for the rest of the movie. I'm not complaining. And so he can sniff her shirt like he's a bloodhound. Well, I feel like that was their excuse, but then he never loses track of her again for the entire room. I wanted next scene for him to just be like headbutting offense digging frantically.

Like, she's under here. She went under here. So she runs out. Guy walks by with a suitcase full of drugs. This is weird. This is a weird movie. I got a cover yourself and coffee when they're so when they're so not racist. Those drugs. So okay, so she runs out to her truck where she keeps her gun. Sophie follows her out and just gets in the truck with him with her.

And he's like, yeah, I know you've got it gone, but there's no bullets in it. They're over here. And he's, but you don't keep the bullets in it. So, if you need to throw it at someone, it's heavy, apparently. Yeah. She decides, which makes her trust him, by the way. She's like, all right, this is makes her trust him by the way she's like all right This is a road movie now between the

Up here. Yeah Jesus Christ license plate games So apparently now they're gonna drive towards him who's driving towards fuck knows what and also we now cut over to Christopher walkin who's also driving West. And planning his trumpet. Yeah, the fur humor. Oh my God. Get a fucking trumpet case. It's a violin case. Why? Why? Why? Can you not see it clearly? It doesn't fit. It's not held in place. Just get how hard is this? He's getting around a violin case with a trumpet. The trumpet just like clanging around in it. Idiot. So yeah, yeah. And so like he's driving down the road and he starts playing with his trumpet because he's Gabriel. You know, I'd he gave real place trumpet. And he turns off Earth Angel, which is a good song.

Yeah, no, it is by the think the ones on the pants are wearing. He's the now how dare you. Yes. All right. And so I guess now that this movie is going out of its way to remind you that they did indeed spring for walk. And I guess we can afford to pause for a quick break. But let me give act three the hard sell before we do.

Will any character ever serve any function? Will the rest of this movie just be driving? Will anything that happened to this point factor into any of the other scenes in the movie? Find out why those are literally the best questions I could come up with and more when we return for the abridged conclusion of prophecy three, the Ascent. Brothers and sisters, welcome to the church of the Atheistraw man. It is a totally meaningless day. My brothers and sisters, totally meaningless, totally meaningless. Today, we're going to be talking about how mad we are at God. And I for one, I'm so mad. So mad. So mad. So much. so much right because even though God is totally real

He's a big old jerk face and that is 100% what I believe me to this is a phase this is a phase and and well we all know that Christians are right and will totally change our minds about this later. Let's turn our himnals to page 23 and sing. I'm just doing this to get back at my dad altogether now. I'm just doing this to get back at my dad. This is a phase. I'll change my mind when I Lovely lovely I'm gonna try to make Heath sing for so long and you know And we're back for more of this shit when we last left off the movie I decided into a series of vehicles driving to an unknown destination for an unknown reason and that's where we're gonna pick up Road trip Road trip movie between

Sophie and Harriet. Let's point this out. I've seen opens and he goes, come on, don't do that. And I wanted them to be playing 20 questions like I'm going on a trip. Um, yes, let me give you a pro tip at home. Play 20 questions, but lie about the first thing. You will kill someone in the car with you. Just be like, think of a cow and then be like vegetable. You will spend 50 minutes. All right, I'll give you 10 more questions. You will spend 50 minutes and then at the end, someone in that car will kill themselves.

I'm confused by the animal mineral vegetables. Are there not things that are outside of those three categories? Could you not think? Of course not. Everything's an animal. Everything's one of those three things. Yeah, you start with a protest and you fuck people right up. Yeah.

All right, so, so it's so pronounced protest. Oh, I see. They're mom at her. So, so, Zofia is mad because Maggie won't drive the truck faster. Maggie is the character's name. I don't know where Harriet came from earlier, but so she says, you want me to drive faster? I'll drive faster and she crashes into a rock. And you know how when you crash into a rock, it only really slows down the passenger.

Well, that's how this works. So she grabs the gun and the bullets and runs off. But not all right away. Her plan is based on like playground tag strategy. She like runs out one way. The gun back in. She runs back the other way to the other side gets the bullets so stupid. Yeah.

And she's running off and she's like loading the gun as she's running and like bullets are just hour. Oh, she loads a hundred bullets into this. It's a six shooter. Am I right? There's six. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Not only does she like, she runs off for an hour, try to put bullets in this thing, but then finally, she stops and puts six fucking bullets in it. Wait a minute. Um, yeah. So and of course he's, you know, she just got like eight in the chamber. I'll stop there. When he took the gun, if he had emptied it out and he'd just been like a.

She's just standing there. So disappointed. She's pounding it down with a stick. Yeah. So, yeah. So, he's, he's following her and she turns around. She's like, I'm ready to shoot you. I'm like, I'm ready for everyone to shoot everyone. Just get this fucking movie over with.

So, she shoots him on my instruction. Well, everything this actress does makes sense if she's an eight year old. First she's like, don't keep what, cut it out. Stop, evil angel, I'll shoot you, I'll do it. And everything else she does is approximately the actions of an eight year old. And he does the play dead thing. And she's like, oh, better go over and check him.

This is the stupidest character in a movie we've watched. And we've watched a Vin Diesel movie. Only the Patreon's got that one. I guess you were wondering. Yeah. So, and also this is where he starts to explain because he pops back up and he's like, I'm not dead because I'm an evil angel and you can't shoot evil angels. I'm sorry Noah.

Sorry to interrupt. He says fact. I love angel the angel. Yes. Dwight Shrewd is an angel. Ladies and gentlemen. But my note here is fact bears beats Battlestar Galactica. Which is actually Jen.

I'm doing. I am an angel. They wrote that and set it out loud and filmed it. Never one went, yeah. And just in case, because at this point in the movie, I would think most people are saying, hmm, I wonder what the plot of this movie is. So now they have, they spend a few minutes with Zofi explaining the plot to her, but incorrectly. Right. Like lying to her about what the plot of the movie is.

Yeah, but we never, it's not like an unreliable narrator thing where we find out that's untrue. No, could be true because the movie has no context. He's just like, he's trying to stop perial from rising and he's got to take the staff to go and law. And she's like, I, you know, I watched all the daily's. When did we shoot those scenes? Oh, we did not. We did not. But now we're on a road trip and we're like a weird abuse of couple for

the rest of this movie. It's weird. Yeah. Yeah. And at the end of this scene, she goes, why should I believe you? And he's like, because that's what happens at the end of the movie. You got it. You know what I mean? He's also, he's following the, the, the old rule of, if you want to gain a young woman's trust, touch her face a lot. It was a quick transition from gunfight to gentle caress of the cheek, wasn't it?

So story, song is old as time. Long as old as rhyme. You look also a quick transition for her to being fine with the gentle press of her tree. Yeah, no, exactly. Exactly. From the guy who's trying to murder him. Murder him right.

And to be fair, though, I mean, this character is so stupid. You could talk her to join in the devil with it. You will. I won't. You will. I won't. You won't trick the devil season. Rehabit season.

Devil season. Rabbit season devil season. And they should not use reaction shots of this actress. They keep doing that. She doesn't know what the fuck's because she's clearly like, we bird flying or like sand is sandy. Like that's you can see what's going through. Had it has nothing to do with what happened. That's great.

Cuts of her at the craft services table. Hi, we make a movie. So okay, I get to have as much as I want. They said there's no limit. You can just take it. It's free. It's part of the movie. I have a badge.

Look at my badge. Talent. Now, need one. Daniel is still going straight on a motorcycle. And he pulls off at a gas station. He's not going to get gas at this gas station, by the way, which is good because this character doesn't have any money. But he stops at a gas station anyway where he comes across Christopher walk and hitting his engine with a hammer.

What the fuck is he doing? across Christopher walkin' hitting his engine with a hammer. What the fuck is he doing? He's caught fixing Keith's car. The way he fixes his car, I assume. Smoke pouring out of it. This will knock it back into my engine go. Did it not work? I think it worked.

Which, I mean, I feel like at this point, Christopher walkin' was just like, so disappointed with this script, he was just hitting shit with a hammer, and they're like, we're gonna have to work it in, guys. We're gonna have to make it like that meant was intentional. I'm not stopping. So, he does do the classic Chris Walken tongue move thing in the scene, which is great.

Do you think his teeth taste good? I think they taste, I bet his teeth taste good. He does the, the hashtag taste Christopher Watkins teeth. Also, he tries to do the hair swish thing with his wig, but he can't do it. And it's just like, you know, it's like watching a naffel, I'm trying to kick in a door.

It's amazing. This entire scene, it's just pure walk in essence. I wrote that in my notes and it turns out that's a word. Yeah, no, there's no other way. Yeah. Huh. So, yeah, so they have this just brutally meaningless conversation, the two of them. And then the Nephilim kid has a weird flashback image of the little girl from the first movie and then drives away.

Oh, what a callback. What a scene. So important. All right, so now we're back with Zofi and Mags. And she's like, and this only lasts for a second, but I have to bring this up because she's like, hey, wait a minute, I've done my time at Sunday school. I've never heard of this perial guy.

And he goes, yeah, Protestants are hell-mounted. Yeah, he's just like. Maybe you chose the wrong religion and they both turned to the camera and slapped their faces like, you installed the update for Christianity 2.0? You mean Islam? No, not Islam. So all right. So now we're back to Daniel the Neffelman and he's just following the devil symbols in the rocks, apparently. I don't know. So he pulls over in the middle of a desert.

And suddenly, he envisaged from the first movie. Well, yeah. Okay. So, you know, yeah, you apparently picked up on that. For all the rest of us know, it's just some spot in the desert where suddenly a 15 year old goth chick just shows up out and don't we're talking about how she dreamed of him. Is the actress who played me? Is it? It is. Yeah. I figured that out. I am. These girls could not be less Native American. It's like Dan Snyder's daughter with a braid and a feather. That's not. That's the best thing though. He's like, because that happens all the time where you have like a child actor who's like, oh my gosh, you look just like never long bottom and then they grow up and you're like, oh, damn. This Pokemon does not look like Charmander.

You have a face tattoo that says DAPL. That's not going to work. a face tattoo that's a DAPL that's not going to work. Now, I've got to say though, this was such a weird flashback scene because this chick's like, I've dreamed of you. Herbs, Crystal's magic and I'm like, oh my God, I've sat through this exact speech from this exact girl so many times and I never got my dick wet. If you look smaller in person, I don't want to be like, but Eli looks this Eli looks like. He looks exactly like I imagined.

I expected it to be. Totally. Exactly. There's a lot longer than I thought it would be. And yeah, but nobody like, and then she says like, here I scratched lives into this rock for you. He's a paperweight that you'll need on your quest. I did.

Spoiler. he actually will. Well, sort of. A paperweight. It's a very special. It's a very afterthought. Yeah, like they were like, oh fuck, we have to use the paperweight at the very end of the movie. Yeah, they used to shut it out of that paperweight.

But this is the, this is supposed to be the moment in the movie, right? We're like, you can, they always get that in the quest, like when they give them the special arrow that's going to be able to pierce the dragon or the one knife that can kill whatever. But yeah, it's a fucking paperweight and we never get any context for it. Paperweight of high rule, your link papers will blow away. No, no, that's not. Yeah. Okay.

So now it's time for another Maggie and Sophie scene because that's by the way, all we're doing for the rest of the movie is switching between the three various groups that are driving, making boring and bored and jealous small talk. Like I can't stress enough how little stakes are in these scenes. She's like, so like, do you still love God? And he's like, oh, and honestly, I don't want to talk about our exes. Like, can we just, we just go see the world's biggest ball of string? I don't know what happens on him right now. So, yeah, so. God's just not that into you.

We've been a great subtitle. All right, so now meanwhile, walkins at a diner, but not just any diner. He's mad. He's at the halfway house cafe. Yes. The name of the diner. The pilot episode for God off of restaurants. Yeah. Who thought this would come back?

Right. Yeah. Okay. So it's the same waitress in everything from movie one. The same outfit with some age makeup on. It's great. Yeah. This is going to come back.

Also, it was like what did people like most about our movie? Well, we love that scene between him and the waitress. So, huh? Also, walk in has enormous glasses now. I didn't know it. You might as well take him out of a cello case. To this. So that's what he keeps his trumpet in though. So he doesn't have room. Yeah. So basically they directly reenact that that waitress scene from the first movie, except for this time he has to eat food because he's not an angel anymore. So he orders exactly like Eli except the opposite amounts of healthy, but like the same specificity. Yeah. And it is again, the best part of the movie is just ordering breakfast. He's just an interesting actor to watch. I could, he could, I could have watched that for another 21 minutes.

Yes, would have been. And then it just had been credits. I would have been like, yeah, that last part of the movie was good. He was. Serup. So meanwhile, Maggie and Zofia are still driving. And now they come across Daniel on his motorcycle. And I just wrote, hey, great job taking the bad guy to your boyfriend. How did you think this was going to work?

And then I wrote, we're an hour and three minutes into this movie and it has yet to establish a plot because I still thought at this point one was going to materialize. Right. Something about West, right? They've been going. Yes. Because what proceeds is the worst version of high schoolers trying to make Mad Max fury road By sense of smell

Yeah, well the problem with all the car changes is they don't take place in dust storm So you can see what's happening all the time and that fucks up your imagination I think that's just a general but movies aren't putting enough scenes in sandstorms. Like sandstorm, meet cute sandstorm shopping spree. Well, this could have been it. We don't know that this wasn't a shopping spree. I mean, come on. It was a fucking sand. So yes, for three minutes, we just watch sand, you know, and then you can occasionally see that there's a tire moving through it. And I run my notes here, like the thing that's good about listening to this show that's not good about doing this show is that you at home right now, you're just listening to

us talk, but you didn't have to watch the car chase. Like we're just like, and then there's a car chase. And I really wish I could listen to a podcast about these movies and then do podcast about the podcast. I hope that's not too meta, but you know what I'm saying? I don't want to watch these movies anymore. Holy shit. And okay.

So now the angel Zofia wants her to run over her boyfriend and she won't do it, but she doesn't seem tempted for a second. And I feel like Lucinda would have that moment. I know Anna would have that moment. Well, I wrote in my notes here, this is just like me and Anna driving just like, hit him. No, no, come on, no. I love it too. She goes, she turns to it at one point and he's like, you've got to run him down.

A world will end or something. I don't really know what's going on. And she says, whoever you are, whatever you are, I'm not afraid of you because fear is an emotion. And I don't do those. Jesus. So when it becomes clear that she's not going to help, Zofi reaches over and pulls the wheel all the way over into the barrel roll position. He flips the car.

Why? But, who knows, wouldn't the motorcycle just drive away? Yeah, it's a car chase. It's not like the motorcycle also stops. Shouldn't he just be like, man, now I don't have a car. Well, fuck, I don't want to get too far ahead of him.

Yeah, but also not just why, but how is there a function on most trucks that allow you to go into a spontaneous barrel roll with no ramp? He hit the turbo jump button at the same time. The noise. So yeah, but Daniel is on the motorcycle and he does stop because the car the truck that was just chasing him is Correct. I feel like he was like I forgot the plot too. What are we doing? It was I chasing him. It's like Miminto except Accidentally and also I mean this is his girlfriend's truck, right? Like you would think that he would have recognized it before he drove into the same storm

He would have been like oh shit shit, Meg's what's up? You can go into the desert. I'm going to go drop a rock on a arrogant. So, but instead, he somehow realizes that what must be happening is that there's an angel that's kidnapped his girlfriend that's making her chase him. So he kicks the exhaust pipe off the bike and then goes to whoop zofi's ass with it. And so fails, perched on top of the truck, all of a sudden. No, it's not as effective as normal, especially when it's like, hold on, we'll start this conversation

when I finish awkwardly. Getting on. So, purging. Hold on, hold on. Okay, there. What were you saying? Are we going to fight? Yeah.

Yeah. And they are. And so now, Zofi's switchblade, Athema is also has a spear option, but staff and like a, a yanker thing like, well, we'll get to the yanker, but yes, there's also a yanker. It's supposed to be like the Darth Maul, double saver thing, but it's just a bigger handle. It's just like it has a bigger hand, but this is like this point of the movie. The internal physics of this fucking knife fascinate me. But yeah, so now it's time for a big fight with these two again.

And of course, they went to the little kid's school of fighting where, you know, anytime you spin, that's a really awesome move. Jesus. That does not. Yeah, they add power when you spin. I feel like they did. They fought over the penguin pants. You give me 16 fucking minutes. I could choreograph a better fight scene between Eli and

my cat. So eventually he learned about my mouth, spinning but whole. Well, wow, wow, wow. So we'll make a Patreon goal out of it. So okay. So he stove pipes, he beats Zofi and then stove pipes is head in with the with the exhaust pipe. And then he goes to check on Maggie. But he forgot to rip Zofi's heart out. I don't understand. If you get stabbed through the heart, it's fine. As long as you leave it there, it's like a Bluetooth situation with the heart.

How can the heart be from you before you're angel? The leg was like, eh, eh. Right. If you hold your heart against your own chest or you, and also he hands him the heart later, it can you put it back? Right. I mean, anyway, but yeah, so he, so Daniel goes to walk over to Maggie and suddenly Zofi's spear like sticks out of his chest from behind and it's like, oh no.

And this is where the little hook thingy engages. Right. This is the heart,puller mechanism of the knife, but before he can use it to pull Daniel's knife out, the chick shoots him, which this time affects him, right? Like the angels in this movie are so randomly haphazardly bulletproof. Yeah. Makes me long for the first movie, the sanity and normalized music for the first movie. Yeah. So so Daniel pulls the spear like out through the front of his chest and then goes to pull out Zofi's heart. Why just press the button and the hooks go back down. Oh, yeah.

So we'll get reach the button because it's behind him. It's behind him. He's trying to get it. He's like, oh, he's trying to turn around the fucking spear hits the truck. Ow, ow, he's like pushing it against the back, backing into it. And I got a moonwalk now. So much sugar.

It's gonna be required. All right, press it. No, you pressed it twice. Now it's back out. I started. It's now it's all right. Hold on. Megan, you're done. Wait a minute. I'm gonna press this total. Now it's back out. I started. Yeah. Now it's all right. Hold on. Megan, you're done.

Wait a minute. How did I press this total? This always happens when we're getting in the car. You go to early and then it stays locked. So also, by the way, now Christopher walk in is there. Apparently he showed up at some point. But before we get to him, we have to have the part where Daniel pulls Zofiel's heart out of his chest and the clever dialogue that goes with it. He hands him his heart and he goes, this is what it feels like to be human. And I wrote a heart in your hand.

And what? He might as well be like, I see me. You know, I mean, there's no. Like I know it. It just like, starts to hand him the heart does the like the hair swipe instead. Oh, burn feel that human. So, so he goes back over to Megan, she's dying or she dies and he turns to Christopher walking and he goes, bring her back and he's like, well, I can't do that anymore. That was just in the first two movies, but you weren't alive in those.

Why would you just assume that I can bring people back from the dead? That's weird. That's weird. But I'll hold her hand while she dies. And you could just, this actress is smiling like her friend is sitting next to the camera taking pictures. She's like, I mean, a movie with Christopher Wagon. This is our big emotional scene where being Christopher Wagon

both did the same amount of acting. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. So yeah, so he kisses her and wanders off into the desert to finish the movie up, whatever the hell. Because like Christopher Wagon's like the important thing isn't whether she's gonna die or not. It's whether you get the thing that the movie is about done, because otherwise, oh,

bad stuff, or something. So, but then we have to linger here for like 11 minutes while her, and they really seem to think her acting was going to, was going to carry act three here. While her and Christopher walkin have the whole, I'm dying. Um, I don't want to die thing. Yeah. Christopher walkin' is basically rolling his eyes at this actress. She's like Christopher walkin' nope Gabriel Gabriel. I have always wanted and he's just like, Oh, wow. I'm gonna eat while you act. Because that's what you want to call it.

Because I don't want to do is I given your acting chops. I'm not really sure why. So okay. So now we have to wrap this up. Apparently, we have 11 minutes left. There's about to be a plot in here somewhere. So is this it? I think it's a lot.

I guess. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. It was a trucker. It was a trucker. I guess. He walks across here. So the deserts of Native America, he walks over to the night part of the desert. Yes, yes, exactly. From the day part, the night part of the desert. And he finds the angel of the day part too.

And he finds the angel skeleton, which was Satan in the old movie, but is now. Period. No, it was just, it was just an angel that had died in the battle in the old one. But yes, it's the angelic archeopteryx that they've been using through all of these. And no, it's not here. It's nothing. It makes no fucking sense. Why is there an angel dead in the desert here?

And then suddenly a very unrealistic fire appears around them. Oh, honestly, could have been just like three guys in black outfits holding paper cut out to fire, just like crackle, crackle in a circle, crackle. And I feel like it's not effective either. It's supposed to be like a big symbol of one of the, the angel of puril, right? Like they're both like standing though right inside of it. Like, hey man, why all the fire? Oh, it's my symbol. Shit. Yeah, you have to look up to a ball.

Let's walk up to that hill before we start fighting. It's a pretty cool fire symbol. I wanted it to cut over to period giving like Ben Affleck is daredevil 30 bucks. Like, thank you so much, man. This has been a nightmare to set up on my own. No problem. I'm gonna be Batman. And strangely not the worst thing about that movie.

Yeah, okay, so now Puril shows up and again, I've already identified this as the least intimidating human, but the guy looks like he should be reading slam poetry written from the perspective He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy.

He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy.

He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy. clothes on and getting pneumonia and die. Like this is bad. This is I would, if I appeared in this movie, I'd be like, oh, yeah, no, I can fight that guy. Do you want me to fight that guy? I'm pretty sure it's pretty sure you'll fight that guy. You said fight

scene, but no, I'm, that's that'll be, I'll be fine. I said, like, yeah, the guy's going to take a door hair. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So and also just as an admission to how little plot this movie has, there are eight minutes left in this movie at this point. Daniel turns to the main bad guy who we are just now meeting and haven't really established as a character in any way and says to him, and I quote, what am I doing here? My question exactly, bro. You had a fucking hour and 20 minutes days and I go, you don't get to ask it now. And they have no answer.

No, period was like, I'm going to kill the earth. And he's like, wait, why? Who are you? And he's like, come on, man. It's just a fight. Come on, you know that that's not written anywhere. Just fight me fight now. Also, okay, so they've set this, this is the main battle, right?

This is the thing. It's the whole move. I mean, it's the last battle. So I thought fighting Zoro, Zoro was the last battle. But now it's like, it's like when you kill someone at the end of an action game and he's like, you're like, oh, fuck, I thought you were done. I got to do a bonus boss. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. This is the bonus boss portion. And here's basically the fight. He jumps super slow motion over top of Daniel. Period does. He Daniel now has Zofi spear. So he spears perial with it while he's in the air. And then period tries to crunch his eyes out. And he doesn't. He doesn't. That's it. But then when he kills him,

oh, well, not in that quote. Yeah, he does like a karate block, like a man. Like you, you ever seen like a guy at a bar was like, let me show you how to break a wrist like any like man, man, man. And then he does a bicycle kick up of up period. Yeah, walks up him and flips off of him. And then he uses her both his theory. And then God lightnings him.

What? I feel like God was up there about to do the lighting, but like, fuck man, just like take a normal step back. Where you don't walk, you don't walk. You don't look back. You're walking all around the wall. Really? One step back.

Well, and also, okay, so this bad guy gets struck by lightning. Like the main bad guy just could have just died in a heart. Why would, why does anyone have to be there? You know what, ruins everything, God. Everything that ever happens in a movie? Exactly.

So yeah, so now of course Daniel uses the heart pole feature of the spear and that person's slash thing is dead slash stopped. So now, PURIL is on the huge pile of zombie fuck corpses. But he said about it because they're going to get coming his hair. Oh, no, I get it. Okay, I get that. I totally get that. I totally get that. And this apparently the combination lightning bolt, heart, pole,

naked pile of people grabbing at you reduces him to a skeleton in a matter of seconds, which is sitting on top of the angel skeleton, Archaeopteryx thing that he found earlier. That all ties together, not really. And this is where he pulls out the the paperweight Remember the paperweight from like Done well he drops it but he crushes the skull of the angel that's already been defeated with it Full circle of six minutes of movie what there it is but and apparently this is what this movie was about. Yeah. And by the way, okay, here's how easy this rewrite is to at least make this scene worthwhile.

The whole goddamn. Okay. The whole goddamn movie is obviously they're setting up the redemption of Christopher Watkins character, right? At the end of the second, we get turned into human and this one, he needs to redeem himself and become an angel once more. And we watch through the whole movie as Zofiil and is fucking with him for being a human and he's weak and everything like that.

In the, at the end of this movie, after you have Daniel fight Zofiil, they already have a battle, right? Daniel already has a final battle. Then you have Watkin do something that redeems himself and the eyes of God. God gives him back all his art, our changel powers. And then Gabriel goes and fights, period. Right? Like if, if the last fucking scene is, period standing there, expecting Daniel to show up, but Christopher walkin' shows up, but now he's got the slick back hair and shit. He's looking all angelic and whips some ass. That actually would have been a like, you would have got to that point and you'd been like, okay, that was cool. The rest

of the movie sucked, but at least that was a cool way to end it. That would have been amazing, except it does involve a Christopher walk and fight scene. Well, they did that. They that was probably written and walking was just like, all right, but this time I use capoeira. I brought my own drummer. Thump, thump, thump, thump. Yeah. I can't. Perial. That's a bitch. Are you trying to tell me that wouldn't have been a better ending? Fucking Christopher walk into in Kaplera in this scene? Kotwheel. Kotwheel.. But like the whole fucking news set up for you to eventually like the way. He's ban on away. But the whole movie is so clearly set up for you to eventually

be like, ah, there's the Christopher walkin from the first and that never happens. Instead they wrap it up with this bullshit after the fight scene where Daniel walks back to the day portion of the desert to where Maggie is. And we see that walking has his angel tattoo back because apparently holding her hand while she died is all he needed to do. You know, God wasn't so super picky about that. Yeah. And he brings Maggie back to life and then explodes into light pigeons. Fun fact, Chris, you're walking actually can do that, not part of the movie, just how he exited. I really wanted to laser-fultured,

just like kill all the gay real birds. I'm sure. Walking up there. Ah, fuck, I'm missing pieces. Shit. Holy shit was this bad enough to deserve us. I was like, after this movie ended, I'm watching the credits wondering if there are going to be plots, a plot there or something.

Like they hit it. It's going to be in between like two gaffers or something. Oh, by the way, the plot was. All right. So we're done with the trilogy. We're not doing for a five or maybe we will some that the future. We're not doing that right now. So this is the end of the Prophecy and we're going to do it. If I'm following this correctly, I wrote these down, tell me if I missed anything. These are the angelic powers that we've seen in this trilogy so far. Okay. You've got super strength, super smell, napkin currency, hand rufis, extreme window jumping

action or a identification, name knowing, soft landing, selective invincibility, eye licking memory swap, temporally specific zombie manufacturer, spontaneous other person combustion involuntary mom munging, noodle legate door kicks and obviously super purchasing. Did I miss anything? Mr. Print. Mr. But that was that was that was under my napkin currency. Like I was, yeah, exactly. It's all together, but yeah. Pay attention. All right.

That was different. That was a different power. It was a card in a wallet. It wasn't an napkin. It was, it was making it. Yeah. So, okay. So to wrap it all up, I'm going to give you a, your pick of any two angel powers from

this movie, which studio pick and what do you then take as your superhero name? Oh, okay. I'm going to go hair tasting and blood tasting. I don't think you mentioned blood tasting or did you? I mentioned oral identification. Or identification. Okay.

So I'm going to go hair both of those together. Go on hair tasting and blood tasting and I'm a rape kitty pride. Not offense. I'm catching rapists. I'm catching. Oh, I see. I'm anti-rapeist. I'm catching rapists. I'm catching rapists. I'm catching rapists. I'm catching rapists. I'm anti-rapeists. Everybody like me, Vance.

I was about to say, hey, man. Okay, dark fast. All right, here's my heath impersonation. Well, I give a different answer. My answer is, I ball-licking. I call myself heath. Okay, I'm going to go with purging, obviously. My answer is eyeball licking. I call myself heat. Okay, I'm gonna go with perching, obviously,

and sniffing other people with my powers, and I call myself the heat hunter. Uh-oh. I avenge myself on pants, thieves. I perch over them. I always know where they are. I'm always gonna be squatting over me when I wake up when he says, not like normal. No, he's going to be squatting over you before you wake up one of these days.

That's how this is going to end. And well, that's going to do it for our review of the prophecy trilogy. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to taught your titties for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, we're coming back to New York Cityies for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, we're coming back to New York City for a live show. And that means we got to do one of the big requests we've gotten the cross and the switchblade. Oh, shit. The cinematic debut of Eric Astrada.

Is this highly requested? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. We've been getting requests from this for this since before we started doing the show. Yeah. So yeah, I'm looking forward to this one. And of course tickets are still available. If you're going to be in New York City area and that show is, of course, on June the 10th, 10th. Thank you, Eli. And we still have tickets available for our platinum night the night before you want to watch the movie along with us. So with that to look forward to, we're going gonna bring episode 94 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby are an early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media

platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Scathing Atheist and the Skeptocrat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godawfulmoveiesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars, all other

music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for a Heathen-Wright Neely Bosnick, I'm no illusions, promise I'm no work hard during another chunk next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Hyle of fuck zombies got a pretty nice contract from Brasers, despite ruining that gas-tencash. Brasers please sponsor us. Heath Noah and Eli made it through three Christopher Walkin movies without a cowbell joke. Huh? Prophecy 4 and 5 were about Nages' trip to the grocery store.

Well, 5 was about her coming back. Right, exactly. She runs into the corner. She's like, oh my gosh, how are you? And he's like, ah, you... You know that moment where you realized that that fart you thought was going to be silent probably won't be? Yeah. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all

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