God Awful Movies - 95: GAM095 The Cross and the Switchblade

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

In this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah take the stage live in New York City for an atheist review of The Cross and the Switchblade; the story of a white man and his burden. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Pensando en viajar estas vacaciones por Europa, entra en destinia.com y encuentran las mejores ofertas para viajar a Italia. Ven a vivir una experiencia a la italiana y disfruta de su arte, naturaleza y gastronomía, como nunca lo has vivido. No te frisa que vuelan, entra y reserva en destinia.com. This is a bad movie. I had to be partners with a teacher. Because I was so popular. So I got a lunch table all to myself. The other kids were intimidated, right mom? I've always been this way. There wasn't always a podcast. God awful.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who believes? Welcome back to the game. Yes, we're each week. We sample another selection from Christian cinema because sometimes but not always It means getting to see Erica strata in his underwear. I'm your host no illusions

Oh, yeah, what's it? This is we had a good one this year this week I'm your Noah Lucius. We're coming to you live from a sold-out crowd at the Madison Square Garden I Appreciate you guys sounding like so many people right there well done well done It's audio they have no fucking idea. They don't know. They don't know. Oh, all right Actually, we're at the beautiful People's Improv Theater. We want to thank everybody at People's Improv Theater for taking such good care of us tonight.

And with that out of the way, joining me, ladies and gentlemen, from Stage Left, please welcome my good friend, Heath and Rides. You realize that there's already a drink for... Is too drink minimum there at a time. And of course also joining me from Stays Laugh please welcome my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! T-shirt! Who wants a t-shirt?

T-shirt! Yeah! No, no, no, no. We discussed this. No, t-shirt, t-shirt. No, we clearly said. We clearly said. Show them.

T-shirt. Show them. T-shirt. Now, just hand someone the t-shirt. Show them. Now just hand someone the t-shirt. Dumbbell! Who wants a dumbbell? Who was it? That's a bad idea. You shouldn't have raised your hand. That's how people die. That's what killed Adam West. Too soon he was 88. No, it wasn't in an Ariana Grande concert relax. There was an explosion you should know. No,

you're just fine. You're just fine Eli. By the time this comes out it'll be Tuesday. That'll be old news. Everybody will be good be good all right now just I want to clear this up up front for legal reasons did you bring with you today any invisible wards I did not I did not there are no babies all right all right no spacework babies apparently I brought an invisible social worker for no reason at all all right so now we got that cleared up. Tell us Heath. What will we be breaking down today? Yeah, we watched the cross and the switchblade.

It's the story of how Pat Boone ended all the crime in New York City in 1958. It's been none ever since using Christianity. Wow! Or what I like to call, I took up the white man's burden, you're welcome, the movie. That's more like it. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you feel like all West Side Story Mist was an awkward white guy asking to get stabbed, you will love this movie.

Well, now we should point this out to Heath. Tell me, how true was this movie? Great question Noah. You mean like racially, like in terms of how it represents the five different races? Because like I mean in terms like, we have a look, where's Andrew Torres? He's a Latino. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Is, did you bring your Switchblade, Andrew? We're on a scale from one to fire sauce. How true was this movie for your childhood? That's a sauce. They offer a taco sauce. They're talking about it. He's at sauce.

10 being the best. I feel like just as a general rule, it's safe to assume I never meant in terms of race. All right, well, so. Put it on the board then if you wanted to be a rule. So yeah, so apparently this movie is the true story of David Wilkerson and how he was so badass that all the gangs in New York took him in and made them, made him their king. And according to Wikipedia, this movie has been seen by 50 million people. It has been translated into 30 languages.

It has been seen in 150 countries. So I guess the logical question now is where does that put it in terms of worst global pandemics? It's like Better than rats in Europe, but worse than the Macarena Also where I had it. I was gonna say like right after the Republican party like wherever that is the grand old plague Republican Party, like wherever that is. The Grand Old Plague. GOP. I don't like to get political on this show, it's weird off-putting. This show has gotten so fucking political.

I just want to enjoy some laughs for once, is that okay? Can we just leave it all at the door? Tonight? We're all at the door tonight? We're all on the same side really And is there anything you guys want to nominate this for being the best of being the worst at? I'm gonna say best worst White people trying to name black people. Oh my god This and think about And there was a time in history when white people actually named black people You're Brian now Alan Toby it's but this is worse the first two black people we meet in this movie our named

Little Bo Peep and and Bottle Capp. Look, I'll buy that little Bopee was an artistic choice, and I used that term very generously. But there's no way Bottle Capp wasn't a look around the table moment, just like, and then her brother, Bottle Capp. Is this like the character you wanted to call typewriter? No. Typewriter, because he punched us so fast. Okay, so I actually wrote down, for my best worst,

I actually wrote down something that I have since become very upset to learn is not inaccurate. I wrote down best worst fake gang names, but after speaking to Noah, these are not fake gang names. No. There was a gang called the Mao Mao's. If I got murdered by a Mao Mao, I would refuse to go into the afterlife. They would be like, here you go, there's heaven and the blowjob robots and I'd be like,

no, I got killed by a guy who calls himself Mao Mao. I'm gonna stay here until a Stephen comes along to stab me again and then I will pass forward. I just can't. I only get one and I just can't. I only get one, and I just, I can't be a mal-mal victim. Like, the people legitimately ran in their lives, and they were like, oh my god, here come the mal-mouse!

Like, then they were afraid. I can't deal with it. So I actually had two nominees for Best Wars. But my first was Best Wars omission of Yakitee sacks during the fight scenes. Now there are like three different times in this movie where they have these big gang rumbles. And if you just imagine, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damnenact the gang fight with me for a second? Please, please, by all means. Well, you're hearing now is the audience's jubilant reaction to Eli and Heath's brilliant physical comedy. Are they rolling on the floor together?

Is Mime Gasex involved? Is Unmime Gasex involved? You don't know because you weren't there but there's still time to catch us live in Seattle on July 8th so check the show notes for details and find out once and for all who fuck who this okay this is this is now about the penguin pants there's no longer a reenactment. I know what's going on here. That's the most exercise we've done all year.

That was not smart. That was not smart. Oh, my God. I shouldn't have gone all the way to the front and then back. That's OK, guys. This is what CrossFit is like. It's all right.

Made for some great radio, though. That's the important thing. Should have come. Sorry man, can't get off work in Jersey. Oh, I have rented a theater. It'll be good. It's a long way. So let's almost as far as I came. Gonna get on the path train. All right. Well, I guess if this movie taught us anything, isn't it crowds in New York, Carrie Machetes, everywhere they go. So we promise we're going to keep this break brief and when we come back we will, I'm sorry I borrowed a little slang from this movie, we will slap dad a lot of gringles to the flip-down

bow-out mutton it is, you have to put these on. What the hell are these? I can't see anything with these on. No, I know, but he had a doctor's note. Apparently he's so Caucasian, it's actually dangerous to stare directly into him. Alright, cool. So Don, come on in. Caucasian it's actually dangerous to stare directly into him. All right cool so Don come on in. Wow Jesus. Hello there fellows. Don great thanks for coming in for the interview. I want to let you know in advance that we really like your work.

So this interview it's something of a formality. Yeah so tell us Don why do you want to write Christian movies? Well, brother, it's either this or sneak into Mormon's houses and give out revelations. I see you see now This story takes place on the mean streets in New York City So what we're looking for is someone who really knows urban lingo Well, it turns out that I am supremely qualified. You'll be happy to know that some of my best friends are black. Ah! I don't have any of that. I don't have any of that.

Great for this. Okay, so just a quick rundown, just to test your qualifications. What does jive mean? It's an herbal beverage. Oh, is that what it means? It's so much sense. Huh. Okay, other one, bonus. What does it mean to be funky?

Of or relating to bees. Wow. Never would have guessed that. Never would have guessed that. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these.

Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of these. Never would have made sense in any of us. Never would have made sense in any of us. Never would have made sense in any of us. Never would have made sense in any of us. Never would have made sense in any of us. Never would have made sense in any of us. last one. What does jitter bugging mean? It can actually be substituted for any verb. Amazing!

Alright, you are hired, my friend. You are hired. That would be so useful. Excellent. One quick question. What kinds of things are black people called? No idea. Doesn't matter. Do they have names? Do we have to address them directly? Are we sure? Ssss. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with a long and storied religious tradition of saying, I know this is gonna seem like bullshit, but it's not. It's not. It's not, it's totally true. It's totally true. It's totally true thing. And so they actually have this whole,

oh, this was based on a true story, this happened on the hard, hard streets of New York City. Of Chelsea. Yeah, that's right. It shows the 59th Street Bridge. No, it happens in Harlem, it shows the 59th Street Bridge. You are four blocks away from broken glass alley where 9th 10th of this movie takes place.

It's a Starbucks now. Yeah, right. Just a Mal-Mal working behind the corner. You need to order so I you can't pretend that you ordered it here, sir. You need to go back. Yeah. It's 40 cents more.

I'm a Mal-Mal. Mal. I love that that's just your random experience at Starbucks that you just pulled out right away. What happens at a Starbucks? Oh, and I snap at them. Excuse me? They love it. I use nicknames a lot. Nicole. Hi Nicole. Nicole. I drink a lot of spit is what I'm saying. I drink a lot of spit. Not all of it on purpose. So that we focus on a switchblade. And they all go to kill some random guy. He looks like Peter Laurie We never find out why nope. They're killing this gentleman Also, by the way, did you guys know that the noise a switchblade used to make in the fifties anyway was a slide whistle I was a slide whistle. Yeah, yeah when you would open a switchblade that would be even worse You get killed by a mow-mow and the land was always

I'm sorry. I gotta wait and here's something This is too much. Too much. So the whole movie starts off with this gang, Chase and some just random guy through the park. And they eventually catch him all, Daniela Russo style. And then they set upon beating him, the 15 of them. But they all stand on the same side of him,

like all on the foot side. They really work the calves. And each other's faces. It's like 15 people trying to be like really work the calves and each other's faces It's like 15 people trying to be like chains flying. They're all hitting each other. It is a slightly more aggressive prayer circle So so they beat up this guy and then they all run off and apparently in this gang what they have is they got a Chikku's job It is to walk around and gather up the weapons after the beatings So we get to meet weapon girl weapon like she's just like weapons weapons

weapons Frank Frank weapons It's fucking amazing, but one guy Drops his fucking nun chucks drops his nun chucks drops his mow-mow nunchucks and the cops sees him and it's like freeze tag the cops like out you drop it on the ground it's mine now you're in jail yeah oh apparently yeah he couldn't run at that point so now we cut straight from there to those same kids in court don't

worry about these kids we will never see them again nope won't ever matter um i i feel like this scene is more about the lawyers than the defendants though. So these lawyers instantly get into a fist fight. It instantly he's like, so tell my client what happened right after you motherfucker! I will stab you in the heart! So my question is Andrew, we have Andrew here. He's our legal counsel. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Andrew!

How often, I just need to lean over my mom and her fiance and my 14-year-old sister. I just need to lean over him to make this joke. How often in your, that's true story. Andrew, how often in your experience during a, cool, court trial do you need to stab a bitch? Not often. So you're saying it happens. Commentary or Tractin. I told you it's a true fucking story. Just Andrew at Covington and Burling. Don't look at me in the eye. See something beautiful. So, so that's a book of five rings, reference.

Thank you for getting that. Got some samurai in the audience tonight. How weird would it be if a samurai just got up and stormed down just like no, they're a damn it. They're a line. Ching, chong, ching, ching, ching, ching. You're misreading that passage. It's actually not what it's about.

It doesn't say to kill all the Jews. It's like the crown is not. Totally yeah, I get it. So the lawyers are about to have a slap fight. When who should burst in, I think it's Tom Brady. Yeah, sure looks like it, but Pat Boone. Yeah. We're gonna learn that he's bursting into like,

prophylatized for no reason. Like he just wanted to come in, like his idea was like, BOOM! AAAAAAAAHHHHH, JESUS his idea was like, BOOM! AAAAAAAAHHHH! Jesus! That was his plan. But he's very much acting like he's gonna murder. He's like, walks in with a knife, and he's like, well, cut some bread

to celebrate the Jesus we all believe in now. So he gets stopped by the police, and he seems entirely surprised. Yeah, well, he was not hurting anyone. Um, seems pretty obvious to me, You're really surprised. Yeah, well, he was not hurting anyone. You're not hurting anyone. It seemed pretty obvious to me, but the cops drag him out of the courtroom, and they pat him down.

They find his Bible and they're like, check it, it's probably got a gun in it. Okay. And they also find his preacher license, or what, his ordination papers say. Oh, okay. Yeah, they carry those around with them and they're giant too They're like a king delivering a message size scroll This guy plays pretend I love this moment too, because apparently all the reporters are super excited because nothing's happening.

So they're really excited about this preacher bursting in and all the photographers gather around to take a picture of them. They're like, hold up your Bible, hold up your Bible. Okay, now it's a tiger, it's a sexy Bible, it's a sexy Bible. You're a sexy religious village. Show me a sexy, show me a sexy, show me a scared, show me a scared. Pat Boone just throws slowly on buttons. But, but this is very important though, this is a very important plot point because So he's scared. So he's scared. Pat Boone just stows slowly on buttons. But this is very important. This is a very important plot point because he will now

be front page news everywhere in New York because of the walking into the room that he did. And through the rest of the movie, everyone that meets him is going to be like, you're that badass preacher that walked into the courtroom and tried to help those kids. Everyone in the greater Manhattan area. Yes.

Yeah, exactly. They all saw that shit. So we cut, we see that in the newspapers. And then we cut to Pat Boone, who apparently is sleeping in his car, which seems bad unless you've actually had an apartment in Manhattan. It's a 15s car is way more spacious.

Oh yeah, I live. I was just like, oh, woo. Not pooping where I sleep. All right, who's the queen? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And we should point out that as we're getting the intro, the music in this scene is me and he improvising hats off to Botswana at guns point

Music The music So you don't get my pitch pro. If you guys were here yesterday when we were doing the tech check, you totally get that. I am always podcasting. We said that on my phone for hours ago. You should have been here. But he is being robbed by the little rascals. I was going to say the fat Albert gang, but yeah.

But like at age three. Well yeah, right, the rug rascals. Let's go with the rug rascals. Dickensian infants are stealing the car. And the car, right the rug rats. Let's go with the rug. Yeah, the Kenzian Infants are stealing the car and the car I don't know how cars were made when Noah was a mere 45 year old man But the car comes apart at the lightest touch at one point they just removed the hood five year olds are just like Yeah, no tools no tools are involved in any of this The car just falls apart honestly if your hubcaps come off that easily,

you didn't deserve hubcaps. No, yeah, no. He had a snap on car apparently. So these kids realize that there's a guy who's sleeping there. So the one kid walks up to the boss kid. This is by the way, bottle cap walking up to bow peep. Stay current. Somebody wrote that down and just went,

okay, my word here is done. I have finished my writing. So yeah, she walks up, he walks up the Bo Peep and he says, there's a dude in the car, what should we do? So she gives him this really detailed mugging instructions, which is stab him and I'll take his wallet. Something I believe is something long. I don't know if you want somebody.

No, it is, it is. But the rapists and vultures of horror could have used her help. I'll be his wallet. Something I believe it was something long ago. That is how you knock somebody, right? No, it is. It is. But the rapist in Vultures of Horror could have used her help. I'll be honest with you. It would have been any high fives off to the back or anything. Let's just point out, I guess he mishears her, because what he hears is karate demonstration. This is what this looks like.

This is what this looks like. Yeah, no, I'll be karate man. I'm going to be karate man. I'm gonna be bottle cap. That is what I'm saying is we needed, we needed a little more in the way of instruction for that mug. I have no doubt they did realistic fight choreography the first time and Pat Boon got stabbed in the heart He was like yeah and Pat you take the knife away and Pat was like absolutely So we'll shoot again in six months while the sadness out of me everyone's first day back They're like Pat how you feeling pretty good. All right. Let's shoot the scene

Six more months. So, so yeah, so he, he ninja fights a very young kid and wins. He's, he's pretty bad-ass. And this is when they start to recognize him from the newspapers. This is the first of like 8,000 people that will say at some point in this movie, hey, you're the guy from the front page of the newspaper on Tuesday. All of us now know you. And so she decides that she loves them.

He's awesome. He's got a mad street cred. So she orders all the other kids to put his car back together. And they do. They do. I mean, it looks like Heath's car, but they do manage. They're just like, no. No.

They start singing the lollipop, guild song, and just rebe, like stickers. They just, and it's a car again it's all put together and pern there like there you go like a speed team to view yeah right exactly so so he says now he is there apparently because he's been sent by his church in in Pennsylvania to go solve all the crime in New York, which is by the way what Heath and I are gonna do when we're done tonight. We were inspired by this film.

But, yeah. Duh, I'll see you in a minute. So yeah, but she's so impressed with his court interruption skills that she volunteers to go introduce him to all of the baddest ass gangs in New York Like little girls often do. She's got a real hook up to all of the gangs in New York

And he just goes with her too. He's just like all right, so we're going to all the gangs and she's like Yeah, I tried to stab you like 30 seconds ago. Why would you not trust me entirely? Why wouldn't you want to walk down a dark alley with me? But but but but first by the way he has to give away his shoes to bottle cap right because bottle cap Lusts after his shoes in this movie. He there is a there is shoe porn in this movie He's just like making a Wing tips and he gives him the, and immediately bottle caps like, I don't want your shoes. Yeah.

I love to. Okay, so right at the end of this, the little girl says to the guy, she's like, you know, all right, well, I'll take you to these bad askings, but don't you be telling them about, no, Jesus, or they'll stab you. And I'm like, that is exactly what Eli says

before he takes people to my place so Except except she can't quite pull it off. No, it's the worst version everything in this movie is like I'm a jivess Conquer and I'm going to monkey right but except for this thing. Thank you Thank you the church of lies rap album comes out next year I would really appreciate your support. No, but everyone speaks very well except for this one thing where she's like, oh man, don't talk to him about Jesus. And then stab you so full of holes that you could water the lawn of where you're from, assuming someone filled you with water.

You would have some apparent using different holes. You would probably have to like turn and then come back real fast and then turn like a Sprinkler and then come back like that you would have to maintain the water while you travel to the place But then once I'll come and introduce you to a prostitute and alleyway just come on Just fell apart. So now they go to the badass part of New York, which is by the way Eli's neighborhood. That's where they go the bad ass part of New York, which is by the way Eli's neighborhood, that's where they go. Like the guy who works at my botega was like, hello, I am Mordona. I was like, oh, Jen, you've always been there.

So they walked down a series of alleys. Again, this man is just wandered down a series of alleys with a young girl that tried to mug him minutes ago. But he goes ahead and heads down this alley with her. And this is where we meet the lookout girl. Oh, baby Liza Manelli. Baby Liza Manelli, yeah. Exactly.

And she is, because you know, if you have a bad ass gang, you have to put somebody pretty bad ass out front so people know. Well, you don't just put a person, you put a ninja warrior obstacle course. Well, that is, there's this alleyway. All of Harlem was apparently a ninja warrior obstacle course? Well, that is, there's this alleyway. All of Harlem was apparently a ninja warrior obstacle.

Yes, yeah. Until the Clintons put their base of operations there, it was just one long alleyway that curved around itself, filled with broken glass. That's all it was. That's basically what we see. So the little girl there that's the, there's literally like an 11 year old girl that's there,

there's their look out and she's like, no, you can't go through and like, what are you gonna fuck? And she do. She behaves the way I behave with my wife's friends because she recognizes her in the paper. She's like, oh my God, how are you? And both peeps like you've never met before

and I'm like, right? How are you? Crazy. It's the total of the same. And bo peeps like you've never met before and I'm like right how are you? It's never the same ever so So and also by the way this girl could not more clearly want to fuck Pat Boone like she she basically just throws it out there She's like, hey, you know also if you want to fuck we're in an alley anyway. It seems like the time. You're a preacher, I'm underage. This kind of, I look natural.

Kind of fits the pattern. And, and then Bobi pulls them aside and she says, five, because she's like, give me five dollars on sharing in the game. He's like, she's like, just so you know, five dollars gets you two marijuana cigarettes. Her body, her body and two bits change. Those were the days, folks. Ha ha ha ha.

Do you have any idea how much I pay, pale Andy Wilson a month? Ha ha ha ha. Crazy. Andrew does at least one of us knows. At least one of them knows, yeah. So yeah, right, apparently God damn it, where's this alley? But yeah, apparently he talks her down to two bucks.

So she takes him to Mao Mao headquarters. And they go inside to, they do a tour of, this crack house does a tour. It's like, it's a, it's a thing that they do. You get a tour of the crack house. Yep. For Cruz. And first in the crack house, by the way, is's a thing that they do. You get a tour of the crack house. Yep. Who cruise? And first in the crack house, by the way, is just a heroin lady, just enjoying heroin, just...

Oh, heroin. Just inside the door. Mm-hmm. That's the first two lines of defense. It's a prostitute and then that girl. Yeah, that's how they get barbed- Which to be fair, if I was gonna rob another gang and I was like, and there was like, lies them in Ellie

and then I'll just, hmm, just, someone enjoying a Scooby Snatch is, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. I mean, all right, I don't wanna fight this gang. I wanna see like a pre-shift meeting at this crack. Right? Like, all right, lies them in Ellie, you're out front, doing prostitutes. I actually, I need cover this week.

We said you couldn't switch. You have to do it ahead of time. I logged into the website and you have to do it. I don't remember my password. You're not trained on the internet. I'm not doing any of my side heroin work. Roll them. I'm doing roll ups.

This is roll ups. It's some poor waiters, do they roll napkins around themselves? So yeah, for you to enjoy. Sometimes they're silverware inside of them and everything. Yeah, yeah, so. So they go inside the drug that our Pat Boone does along with his check and of course all of them are like, hey, you're the guy from the newspaper on the front page and therefore we like you a lot. What are you just taking the tour? Yeah, just. Yeah, we're just. Hey, hey, you, the guy, the, and also, by the way, this bothered

me so much. One of the gangs was called the Egyptian Kings. Fucking Pharaohs. Where the fucking Kings? What the hell? The bothered me so inordinately through this whole fucking movie. But anyway, so, that's what was wrong with the movie. That was, that really happened.

We got a pedantic boon over here. That was the problem. So the guy in the hat, I guess he's the main hair, he's the leader, he's the heroin. He's the shift manager. He's like one, two, three heroin. One, two, three heroin. How many heroin every time it's really like we would go one Terrible and oh my god Everyday heroin every this is exactly. Do I try to do the timing counts before a record a god? I gotta tell you so yeah, so the guy tries to give Pat Boone a joint But he's preacher so he's not gonna smoke weed But the little girl is cool with smoke in some of it.

She loves it, she grabs it and she smokes it and her brother's like, Why are you smoking marijuana? And she goes, It makes me feel sexy! What? Now ladies and gentlemen, the stage collectively has absorbed a tremendous amount of marijuana. Never in order to feel sexy. So you know what sexy? What sexy is this? I mean, see, I'm on marijuana right now and they found it sexy. Fucking green room, that's what they call it. And now it's time for us to meet.

I have them in my notes as Morpheus on Whipits. Vibiships! Yes, this character, oh my God. Okay, we did last night, we did a platinum night, right? We had a few listeners come in and watch the movie with us. And it was so much fun because they told Eli, I was like, we have to do this for this movie because the setup on so many of the jokes I want to make

would be a hate crime. I have to let them see it. I can't describe to you what Morpheus on Whippets looked or sounded like without being impossibly fucking racist. But I feel like just telling you that tells you everything you need to know. Well, let me start with this.

His name is Big Cat. All right, this gentleman, this gentleman who's the head of the bishops, his name is Big Cat. Why don't you share with us his first line? His first line is, is that his name or his game? What was his game though? We're about to find out. His name is... Heroin.

Nope. Nope. His first line is... Nope. His first line is, big cats, the name, and jitter-buggins-ma-game. Again, a white guy wrote that line down and said, they speak in rhymes, right? And handed it to a black actor. Yes.

Was like, hey man. This is cool, right? And that guy was like, hey man, this is cool, right? And that guy was like, sure. Ha ha ha ha, are the cameras on? Wait a minute, go. Rock, no, we'll go on, do it, we'll go on, we'll go on, we'll go on. Cut, all right.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So, so the auditions for the black actors in this movie was like, don't stop rhyming and go. What? And cut your next. You had to rhyme with go. You said what? So, apparently what we're doing here, the bishops are one gang, the Mao Mao's are the

other, and they have shown up to organize the dance choreography for their big gang fight. Right. Are we going to snap on three? Are we going to syncopate this or what? And the way they create these rules is, first of all, they get right out of the way they're like, well, first of all, if the police show up, we unite and we fight the police. And the guys like, of course, obviously, are not.

They're not. They're not. But, but then, okay, so each of the leaders of the gang also has with him his warlord, whose job it is to stand next to him and be badass. This is the least threatening room of people ever. And it's also the, imagine if all of us got in the closet together.

All of us. That's this fucking room. Faces are this closed. Every time somebody knew us to come in, and it's like me getting out of the window seat of an airplane to go talk. Hey guys. So what are we, what weapons should we be doing? And they decide.

Here are the weapons they decide on. Alright. Oh wait, wait, before you say the weapons, I've got to point out the guy saying the weapons is Eric fucking Astrada. Now, yeah, right? This is Eric Astrada's cinematic debut. What Eli is about to tell you is the first line Eric Astrada was ever paid to say into

a camera. What weapons can we use, warlord, Nikki? Chains, blades, streets. What? Seems redundant. Straight razor, like blades, obviously, straight razor is a blade. I don't want to give no to.

All right. They should have gone over to the vent diagram before they thought about this. That's? Yep. Clubs and zips. What? Now, I did some research on this a

Zip was a homemade gun made out of rubber bands But a zip no to me. I was around What if no pull out a gun right now and shot me in the head? Just a I was around, but what if Noah pull out a gun right now and shot me in the head? Is that what? It's just a mouse chip. I don't remember anything about a bullet. We can do this. We can make this happen to me. So is that what it was? They just take a rubber band and a bullet and they go.

Yeah. But in the 50s, so fucking scared. In the 50s, everyone's bones were very fragile from folio, so that would kill you. Oh, okay. But they all agree that zips are not a good idea. No, they do agree that zips would be taking it a little too far. Yeah. Yes.

A lot of people don't like zips. Yes. In the audience. We have an anti-zip on it. Anti-zip on it. Yeah, exactly. Store bought only. Damn right.

So. We're going to have a gun fight after the show if you guys don't mean this. Ten pages, turn fire, kind of the thing. So, right about now, Pat Boone decides this would be his time to interject. And again, they are impossibly close. He has to wedge his way in between them like this. Excuse me, gentlemen. Everybody sit on laps.

Everybody sit on laps. We're like really tight in here for this gang argument. It could not be more awkward It's amazing because he just warners that they're in the middle of like and I'm gonna stab you in the heart And I'm gonna break you in the face and hi Pat Boone yes, you have a question You okay Jesus loves you. Pat Boone everybody. Pat Boone.

That's Roon. He was just taking the tour at the heroin done. And they are entirely unaffected by this existence. Well, what I want toing, of course, again, they recognize him from the newspaper because all the gangsters read the Times. And he starts telling him about God. He starts telling him about God.

And I love to, by the way, his first line, he turns to all the black people. And he says, God cares about you people. Exactly. It was, it was in 1970. It was a simpler time back then. And he goes, God cares about you people. Exactly. It was in 1970. It was a simpler time back then. And he goes, he starts going like, God knows about your alcohols and your marijuana cigarettes

and your lustful sexual activity is. And one guy goes, which God? You mean Allah? And he's like just, just, fuck. You're gonna, like, we're, don't be an asshole. We'll cut that in post, keep rolling, but like, don't. I'm Pat Boone. Do you think I mean a la?

But so he's figured out that was milk Better have been milk all right, so but he's figured out the key to solving gang violence and that is if you shake the hand of one gang leader and then the other through the transitive property of gang peace they can't fight anymore no more crime exactly so he goes and he he shakes big cats hands right morpheus on wipets and then he turns into shake the the malmous Mao skies hands and uh... that includes arak astrada who slaps the ever-loving fuck out of the two

and you can tell that was not planned cuz you that pat boost just like cuz he goes immediately goes i have one thing to say to you and i guarantee you there's a take where he goes i have one thing to say to you and I guarantee you there's a take where he goes I have one thing to say to you. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Screamer! Tom is fine. A headless body on the street. Yeah. It's amazing. So also, I have to point this out because it all goes wrong for him eventually.

The gangs decide that they're not taking this guy seriously. And one guy threatens another guy, and his threat is, and I quote, I'm gonna push your lip up into your nose. I don't want, he's not that bad. It's honestly not that bad. I can never get Elon to do anything with threatening that. So, I do worst stuff to myself pretty regularly, guys.

So he leaves very upset. Raps of the shows like this. Yes. Hahaha. So he leaves very upset that he hasn't managed to solve all the crime. Hero and girl demands a theological explanation for her existence on the way out. He can't do that either. He's not fucking you.

He's sticky just now. He's sticky. Harwin. So Bopeep and him are doing like a post rap thing. Yeah. And she grabs a random trumpet from a car. Was it from a car? She was it from a car. Oh, okay. She reaches into a random car and she's like random trumpet from a car was it from a car she was a from a car all okay are she reaches into a random car she's like i love trumpets and he's like put the trumpet back and so i

never let me do anything arch angel doesn't even need the damn thing okay fine for movies in a row with a trumpeter corned for us in a car it's all in purple yeah it was if you put all the that's the connection so actually all of our movies are trumpet based on the first person to figure out how so wins the show

You get to take over in episode I'm just kidding guys. We're gonna lock the first 100 episodes behind a paywall Hey, whoa. Hey, whoa. Hey, whoa. Hey, whoa. Hey, whoa. By the way, he's trying to act like he wasn't actually trying to talk me into doing that here.

So I also, I love this scene so much. So him and Bopey walk away. And they're about to get into his disassembled, reassembled car. And they hear some singing. And he turns around and there is a church right behind him. Could not more obviously steeple, cross the whole thing. And he goes, is that a church right behind him. Could not more obviously steeple cross the whole thing and he goes, is that a church?

Like you're a fucking priest, man. I wanted so badly for both people to be like, no, it's taco time. I say they use lowercase. T is for taco time. How great would it be to replace all the churches in the world with taco time? Well, we should have fucking elected Hillary then. great would it be to replace all the churches in the world with taco time well well we we

should have fucking elected Hillary then too political can we have a good time every fucking corner that's all I'm saying that we could add one on every corner anyway so yeah so time he is baffle because not only is this church, but they're singing in a brown person language, but they're They're singing at the end of a very long zoom. Okay, so they had two lenses in this film one was that and the other was One side of the audience gets this joke, by the way. I was like, the other half, these guys over here, I'll have to do the same thing with this door. So, I say half the audience, I'm not talking, I'm not the people back home, I have no idea where the fuck's going on.

So come to the show. I also love to. I read it up the end of for you. This scene has the greatest like crowd noises too. So, okay, so it goes into this church and of course they're like, oh my god, the guy from the paper that walked into the court. Oh shit, autograph. And they're all in love with him. And I say they're all, it's like 27 people, they're all part of the same family. And the dad, the dad who's also the preacher is like, boy, why would such a handsome, well-in-dad man like you wanna put your penis in my mouth? What, you, what did you say?

I didn't, that's what, I was the, but also like every time the crowd does anything, they do it for one and a half seconds and stop. Can we demonstrate? Oh yeah, by all means, by all means. I'm gonna have a baby. I mean, my wife's gonna have a baby. Ha ha ha.

So, no, you couldn't have. It's your turn for the next line. No, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Like the planet got destroyed by the death star. That's right. You couldn't have silenced that room quicker with napalm. So they say just a little Vietnamese girl walks out across the state. I'm saying you smell like victory. It's a good thing. It's a compliment.

So, it was a war crime we committed in the 80s. Everyone wondering. So, it was a war crime we committed in the 80s. Right, one, wondering. Just two. Ha ha ha. Yeah. I'll go later. Do you really think the Vietnam War happened in the 80s?

I know so little things. Name a thing that happened in history and it's here. World War II was 19. 19 is correct. Feb and V. Feb, did you say Febty? Heroin. T.A.R.W.

T.A.R.W. T.A.R.W. So, he's talking to the... I'm going to have to go... We're going to have to go so fast through the last half of this movie, guys. Sorry. The last half.

I mean the last nine eights That's not a number is it that is a number. Oh, it's contagious Unlearned thing unlearned there. I'm sorry someone you know brought you to our show unlearned things You guys aren't getting the one man show. I'm getting where she's just whoever brought her by her many drinks Was that a joke about a person being burned to death with nae fam oh wow this is fun So this is what you do for a good time. Oh, you're also the fat one saw me no no what you do for a good time. Oh, so the fat one saw me. No, no. There he goes. So, so the important takeaway from this scene is that the this this church finds out that poor Pat

Moon is sleeping in his car and they say well you can come stay with us and he looks at the little nine-year-old black girl that's falling around like yeah we're also we're already covering that kind of stuff up your good you're good i wanted so badly for it to be like yeah i don't have a place they say she can stay and i want to be like i don't have a place to stay there and they were like oh

wow you're terrible. Huh. Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers. Hahaha. Sad emoji. So now it's time for the fucking rumble. RUMBLE! And everyone wore their silliest outfits for the rumble. It's into, it looks like the cast of Oklahoma

versus the cast of the Wiz in a Braveheart LARPING fight. That's what's happening. That's what's happening. That's what's happening. Which is doubly ironic because there probably is some of the cast of Oklahoma and the cast of the Wiz in this scene, like, no, no, baby. It's not unlikely.

So, oh, there's literally a guy dressed like Howdy Duty. It's amazing. It's like the whole, the jacket and the whole night. It's basically what Cecil from Cogdis is doing right now. Ah! Yeah. He's like a master defender or something. Yeah, some, yeah, he baits or something.

Cecil just bursts in through the wall. You defend me, sir! Ah! Eli's my best friend! Yeah, I baits Cecil just bursts in through the wall you defend me sir Eli's my best friend Oh physical comedy the kind of thing that you only get by checking the show notes and picking up your tickets to one of our upcoming live shows today You can't let me mine Space work is limitless. I will still send that invisible social worker over there. So yeah, so we have this just amazing, bloodless, hitless, violent fight between these two gangs.

And again, I should point out that they all have machetes and stuff like that. But here's how they're fighting. They're going to come up with a machete. They're like, don't make me use this machete. I totally will. And they do a little sword fight. Don't go to, don't go to, but then there's like another one over here fighting.

No one, cause you didn't get a match, right? No, one guy over here. They didn't have any even number or something, so he's just swinging. And then entirely arbitrarily, someone does a 1950s lie down. They're just like, all right, relax. Relax, my dad had the rickets, OK?

We're just going to all make this. All right, I'm out. I'm out of the rumble. I'm out. This was essentially a fucking pillow fight. I have literally seen more violence break out over Penguin pants. Is that right? This was essentially a fucking pillow fight. I have literally seen more violence break out over Penguin pants. You have seen more violence break out over Penguin pants so far today.

I am a lot of those Penguin pants. They are so comfortable. So your dad with my car. So they rumble for a little while and now it's time for the retreat. But it's not a real retreat. It's a parthian shot So they run off is that a war tactic from your oh, yeah, yeah, no, it's from yeah from back in my day one guy at home right now Oh Greek guy carrying a tray but shea Andrew Gatzin and

Drew Gatzin That's why I bring Andrew to every show that so that someone will get all my archaic word geek 80s references. So they run off, but they've apparently set up a trap, which it consists of a rope and- Five feet of rope. That's it. It consists of a rope.

But it manages to trip the entire black gang. All of the gangs in New York City, good trip by this rope, five feet of rope. People line up, they see people trip and they're like, oh, it's my turn. Someone gets a front seat back seat, they're like, oh, fuck off, go! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! All of a sudden Mel Gibson flies off a horse, he comes in. Everybody got a trip by this rope. So they rumble a little bit and then now the bishops are on the run. But they too have a clever trap devised for their pursuers. It's like a medieval fire trap. It is. It goes through some trash and they climbed some medieval ladders

and then they throw malatov cocktails a weapon that was not agreed upon in the work of the was that they didn't was in the thing at the trash where the the mowmows are and then they from a person well okay so this this is gotten this is really escalated quickly at this point they're like fuck man we were all just like waving machetes and kick in each other. You started setting folks on fire and shit, that's not cool. How did they know who to chase it?

What, like, how do they know who was chasing? And there's a, you miss it, but there's a Korean guy with a yellow flag and a whole of these rivers. Got it. At the very front. Don't, I don't feel like there's a reason why he was Korean. I was Korean. The tourists groups in the city, there are many of them and they were oh

Does it joke for the New Yorkers so Edit show Well get edited right so they're doing the Donkey Kong board Yeah, yeah, they do the where they have to crawl up the ladders with the water. No, it's very donkey because they're throwing fire at him. There's barrels, there's fire, there's literally ladders and then side and then ladder. And then, no, you're right.

This is probably where they got the idea for Donkey Kong. And the music. Yeah, well, it's Donkey Kong. I don't know how. It's 1958. There's video game music happening. Yeah, yep. But eventually the cops managed to like break up the whole fight.

They unite and running away from the cops up but as this was all happening two of the mow mouths that the be nicky that's eric astrotis character and israel who is the president of the gang they sneak off from the from the crowd and they go see the uh... they go see uh... hat girl heck girl typical gang position yeah i know you have to have a hat girl you have a weapon back girl and a hat girl. Right. Her job is to give out

Gang uniforms at the end of the rumble like everyone changes out of their sons She's here to check it. Here's your hat. Here's your cane. How was the rumble? Literally like my wife? Like how is the rumble? Yeah, no she did you have fun? Enteres everyone nice to you at the rumble To be honest, I don't want you going to rumble as if all they're gonna do is bully you. Andrews, this is how they did it in the sharks. Is that how the sharks did it? Did they have the same things?

Did you guys do the rope bit? Pretty much. How did the heroin? So, and at first too, because like, they, she's just given them hats and malmau jackets and at first I was like, is that like Clark Kent's glasses? Now nobody knows who they are or something They walk out past the gospel those are just two gentlemen from the end of earth angel

On their merry way So now okay, so this this kind of wraps up and now we hear a little trumpet playing and It turns out that Pat Moon has decided to take You know jump upal bonus soap box and tell all these fine folks about jesus and the importance of loving god and what not uh... but there's a cop who's very upset about that

he gets stopped by the first ever member of the ff rf yeah apparently it's like no i got you can't do this here man you gotta do it and he does the amazing conspiracy that yes yes you can free speech only counts under an American flag. And Pat Boone's like, anyone got an American flag? Like, no question, he's just like,

Oh yeah, they're like, oh, but if you had a flag, so somebody runs and snaps a flag off of somebody else's car. Runs and takes this tiny little flag and holds it over and like this and the cops like, fuck, I wanted to see what the range of the flag was. You're like, eh, they just started all the work. It smelled different.

9-11. Right here. So he just, so they finally let him preach. I should point out that the whole crowd is just like let him speak Mad him speaking. He's like I love Dave. They're gonna let me speak now and they're all like fuck you Instantly instantly they start heckling. They're like let him speak your mother fuck it's no reason By the I have worked bar mitzvah's that have gone worse than his bad boot speech. Now Ed and Burusho for a cable is yeah. So you won't talk about homie apathy.

Boo! So he gets up and he delivers his, you know, I'm just a simple caveman, lawyer. Speech for ever. And all the gangsters are here too, right? Well, not all of them, but like Morpheus on Wipitz is there and Israel and Nikki wander by, and they're all just, you know, it wrapped by his speech. All of them except for Eric Astraldo, who's just too bad asked to buy it all as Jesus stuff, obviously. Right, and he goes, he shakes the bishops hand again which is weird he's just like another one he's like all right man your abuse in the whole all right that's two we get to and then he goes over to the Eric Astral

I can't he's like ah and then they you slap me last time and he spits at him spits in his face yeah and the whole crowd reacts to like the like the cartoon characters at the Andorrage of rabbit just like yeah like, Yeah, it was quite amazing. Also, I love that the big cat says to him on the way. He's like, no, I'm not going to turn my life over to Jesus, but keep trying, man, you're getting close. You're getting close. I'm almost there.

I am so close. 80% there to Jesus. So now we're going to cut to the post rumble hangout at the HQ... where everyone is insanely beat to hell well they're an escalating amount of injured yes on the far right he's got like a man and the guy in the lane he's got like and the third guy i want to like the third guy to just be like has no head and the fourth guy

is just a pile of ashes that someone's padding Jen, just like, oh, Tony, this rumble did not go well for you, bro. Yeah, apparently they would... I guess maybe straights is a term for chemical warfare or there was the... I don't know what they were going... Yeah, I think somebody got acid attacked by the Muslim guy maybe.

Oh, there you know they they do that those muslim so the what they do just factually accurate on why it is yeah exactly so that they would be we do the flesh eating bacteria pan there and then niki shows up anarchist rata's character and he's really pissed at the one guy who doesn't look like you got to Elbeat out of them and him and Israel

Step to the side to have an angry couple how should we punish the children fight? Yeah, they do it's literally like I'm sorry. Can I speak to you over here for a minute? Okay, I'm on how for this much further away. Yeah, this is fun. I thought we were No, no, no, no, we read the doctor's No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there. No, no, no, we don't agree. We would say when people in your gang don't believe it's a source for this to determine how we would handle the gang. Dr. Glauber said you need to respect me more. Again. This is weird for everybody else because they can hear us from like

five feet away. We're in a gang. Hair. So. We literally get that. They're like, why were you hanging out with that preacher you like more than me? So then they go back to Punishment. The guy, apparently the punishment they've agreed on is a gang spank. They get their belts out and they're going to like, yeah, they all take their belts off

and Mingo is the name of the character and Because he's his panic and his reaction is to throw himself off of building I don't want to get hit with a belt, but if everyone in the room right now was like, I really hit you with a belt I wouldn't throw myself over I'd be like, no, well, to be fair. It was probably rumble 100. Yeah. Yeah, so he falls off of a balcony and dies to death. And he falls.

He lands perfectly as chalk outline guy. Yeah, he does. It was super convenient for the trace guy. He was very considerate. Like he didn't have to move it. Very considerate gentleman. I love to. He was like, had his smash against the concrete.

They're like, somebody call ambulance. And tell him not to bother I guess he's not gonna make it So now we cut to Erica strata late that night having nightmares or strobe flashbacks to what just happened The little bee go Yeah, right and there's a knock at his door Now I should point out by the way that they've got him in the shit hole apartment I guarantee you that same apartment is like 3,800 a month right now. Yeah, minimum. Absolutely.

You getting a kitchen slash bedroom? Well, yeah, I am. I love juries. So. So he goes to the door in his diaper. He is wearing heath and right underwear. I have never seen. I feel like that's I have a question People who were born before things were good when did underwear start to look like something a person should wear

And when was it just as much cotton you could wrap around your loins as Possible I don't think that's an accurate depiction of what I like you saying you're not wearing tidy whiteies right now It doesn't look like a cast though. It's not Are you or are you not wearing tidy whiteies? I am there. I'm wearing a very tasteful black box of brief I'm not gonna show you bought those for the You messed with me yesterday about this You fuck with me on this yesterday. And I switched it, and now you look wrong.

You know, it's amazing how good these jokes work when you switch them up on Eli without telling him about that. Yeah, it's amazing. That's awesome. Okay, I'll have my revenge. You will. So yeah, 99. So we have this amazing moment now that the knock of the door turns out to be the preacher

Who has I shit you not shown up and a dude he doesn't know his apartment at three in the morning To tell him God loves him. It's the best. He's just like hot. Hello stupid kid Can I come in? Can we go to the prom with Jesus? I don't know. Any, the conversation. Baby come back. But with the Bible playing.

So Eric Astrada is not happy with that. No, no. He's like, hey, it's three in the morning. Which to be fair, perfectly normal reaction. Yeah, right. And Papoone's response is he goes, you talk tough, Nikki. But inside, you're just like the rest of us. Pink, full of blood.

Organs. Well, he also says, he also says, like, you act really tough there, Nikki, but aren't you lonely? I'm like, your time can do a 17 year old boy and his underwear in the middle of the night, bro. This is really, really uncomfortable. At which point he screams and slams. The door is shaking. Yeah, right, exactly.

You notice I look right at Eli when I was saying that. Well, that's how I reacted when he showed up dressed like a penguin in my bedroom. What? It's really weird. You wake up and Eli is right, just standing there. Just standing there. Ice cream cone, Heath? The ice cream cone made it extra weird.

So, yeah. I didn't eat it. It was, I didn't eat it. But that's not the point. He's neapolitan, all three flavors. So yeah, so now we cut to heroin girl the next day. She is hitting up Eric Astrada for 10 bucks. But again she asks how the rumble is. This is a theme throughout the movie is that people start conversations like so. How

was the rumble? We did the rope. We did the rope. I told you the rope would work. You were saying the rope would work. You've got to stop down it. You come up with such great ideas. You helped a lot with the rope. I love this scene too. So she wants to sit with Eric Astrada. Eric Astrada does not want her sitting next to him.

So she keeps sitting down and he'll get up, right? So she'll sit down and he'll be like, but you can only do that once without then starting to move into very weird locations. So it would be like the equivalent of me just going now like, okay, so I don't really want to talk to you guys. I mean, he climbs into a phone booth, he climbs into a cash register. A register of one point. Yeah, it's, we should also point out, this is a pretty normal scene. She's like, hey man, give me 10 bucks. I would love some heroin. And he's like, no, don't have any heroin for you, because I don't like you.

But there is a third character in this scene. Alfred E. Newman's grandpa, who will never be acknowledged. But he'll be this close. He'll be right here. And will never be acknowledged but he'll be this close and it's just like you're just gonna spin it on hair I'm just gonna pee in this urinal I brought the craziest thing in the world have you guys heard of ass to ass you looking for her second craziest thing in the world. Have you guys heard of Ask to Ask? You look like her, Helen. It's the second craziest thing in the world. Yeah, so he decides eventually that the key here is that he's going to give her the $10.

But only if she agrees to stab Pat Boone to death with a switchblade. Yep. So just to review 1970s money here, $5, prostitute, two joints, and 25 cents change. How do you think that breaks down, by the way? Is it like $2 for each joint and 75 cents for the sex with the prostitute or is it like?

Fiddy sense. How much would it be? I don't know. I want to know what it would be, I'll a cart. If I'm getting a package deal this weird, I want to know what it would be all a cart. If I'm getting a package deal this weird, like I want to be able to order it normally. You brought us. So, so she agrees she's like, okay, I'll kill the preacher, but I need heroin first and she, let's be honest, if you ever try to kill a preacher sober, it's way tougher. So, let's do that after the show, huh?

I was a funny joke that he just joked about, wasn't it, Andrew? That joke that he just made about that humor? Whatever could the audience be reacting to? Does it somehow involve using his microphone as a mock penis? It does. How exactly does it involve that? Well, the only way to know for sure is to make it to one of our live shows So check the show notes for information for our upcoming shows in Seattle Austin Salt Lake City and Sydney, Australia

So now your little sister knows what you do for a living. How do you feel about that? You like? Hi, Lily This is fun. So you should share this on SnapChat. So now we cut over to Pat Boone. He is having a meal with the Mexicans. Fried plantains. Well, I love to visit. He's like trying to make it exotic with their having tacos or something. He's like, what's this?

And that's the napkin. Fried plantains. Well, I love to visit. with their having tacos or something, he's like, what's this? And like, that's the napkin. Fibery. Marguine. And he's doing every, and I've been this guy. He's doing every racist white guy eating not hot dogs reaction to everything. He's like, ooh, it's me, boy. No.

I'm glad you like it, don't please. Oh, what do you call this? That's a fork. All right, yeah. I'm glad you like it, don't please. What do you call this? That's a fork. All right, yeah. But this is where they come up with this great idea.

They realize that if they know this is Hector who is the Hispanic priest that we met earlier. This is Pat Boone, the little nine-year-old girl that he's just decided to adopt. And a police sergeant that we met in an earlier scene and didn't bother to tell you guys about sorry about that He doesn't matter so no he really really very much in the only scene in which he could matter We'll learn he just comes out and he's like oh I'm gonna go so

So this is where they realized that if they really want to solve crime What they're going to have to do is throw a youth party and invite all the gangs under one roof together, what could go wrong? Just to be clear, the protagonist of this movie has the exact same plot as Jimmy does in South Park. It will be great. We'll get mushrooms and ginger mayo. Jimmy does in South Park. It will be great.

We'll get mushrooms in gingerman. And all the gang violence. So yeah, so they decide to have Gang of Paloosa. And he goes, and I love it, at this point he goes, we'll get all the bee-boppers and jitter-buggers Pat fucking boon saying this line. We'll get all the bee-boppoppers and jitterbuggers together Yeah, it's a little better than fire fest

I just wanted to cut over to like a different gang doing the Charleston as they rob a bank they got like Walkers instead of canes. Oh, there you go. Yeah, that's another thing We hadn't mentioned that everyone in every gangster has a King's that's a thing who the fuck knew? So okay meanwhile Matt back at Mao Mao HQ Erica Stratt is trying to get a little alone time with him in its joint and His buddy because you got to have and they're doing like bro talk about him convincing a heroin addict To kill a man. Yeah, it's like no no, no, no. Dude, listen to this.

Listen to what happened last night. Just between you and me, last night, I was like, Mary, just for my birthday, will you kill the preacher? Did she do it? She did it! She did it! Fuck outta here. Ha, ha, ha.

It's weird. It's very like women can't live with them. Can't convince them to kill a man for ten dollars worth heroin. Yeah. I think we'll ever get a woman president. So why can't we just keep it fun? Oh yeah I got significantly less fun that night. Who knew? So yeah, so now we cut back to David. He's got a phone call from his wife who is pregnant. And basically, this is so that the killer lady can show up, right?

The heroin girl who's supposed to kill him can show up. And he can be on the phone going like, wow, you're going to have the baby any minute. Sure would be a shame if I got stabbed in the throat. And then he cuts his wife off, who's about to give birth. He's like, yeah, I have a junkie here who needs to talk to me. It's kind of rude that I'm talking to you instead.

Good me. So. Yeah, no, I just a second. Yeah. And then he talks to the, you hang stuff on it. He hangs up on it. Well, that's how it worked back then. He hangs up on his birthing wife.

He's like, hon, I get it. Push. Really? Miss carriage. Oh well. You know what I'm doing? I'm going to lose some. Don't forget the porterhouse when honey, I get it, push. Really? Miss carriage, oh well, you know what I'm gonna win some loose, I'm, alright. Don't forget the porterhouse when I come home.

Oh, she says. So, alright, so like she's about to stab him, then she realizes there's a police sergeant in the room. And she's like, can we go in the other room? Where there's not a cop? And I can talk to you. And she's like, yeah, okay, she's like, can you close your eyes and walk into this dark corner here

and maybe just hold your arms up like this? If you were to point to your heart, where would it be? Ha ha ha ha! And Pat Boone, by the way, is totally just like, yeah, no, heart here, rank here, here, I'm gonna unbutton my shirt. I would say it would be right there

if I know what you're gonna be. But if you were trying to reach it, you'd want to come up from the underneath. Yeah. So what did you want to talk about? Ha ha. Heroine. Heroine.

So, and also we should point out to this character. Her name is Rosa, the heroine girl. She has the most amazing acting dichotomy. It is either screaming at the top of her lungs or mumbling. Those are the only two modes she has. And she moves between them quite randomly and sometimes with a like in mid-sentence. So she talks to the preacher for a little while, but he's not helping, and he's not going to give her $10 for heroin. So she decides she's going to have to go ahead and kill him. Just as soon as she can open this switchblade, for 45 minutes.

She takes, she takes out the knife for the rest of Act II and most of Act III. Yeah, and then there's a sequel about her finishing taking out the knife. There it is. It's like an info-mercial for like Ron Popebeel's like easy stab knife and she's like blah, like, no, there's got to be a fur wedding. She gets lemon juicin' her eyes somehow.

A milk carton just explodes on a nearby table. So she pulls out her knife and then she goes to stab him but she only cuts his shirt or whatever and then she runs off and threatens to stab herself. And this is where we meet the magical black lady of the movie, but just to be a little different, they made her a magical Hispanic lady. And she mad Max's the knife out of Rosa's hand. She's like, just walk away.

We will spare your lives, just walk away. And Rose is like, eh. Well, but she isn't, but she isn't, though, that is such a bizarre part of the scene, is that they actually, they have her walk up and hug her and everything, but still holding the knife. She holds the knife until the scene's over. Yeah. So you're expecting any minute for her to just

stab that lady in the back. The next scene we see her sleeping with a switchblade like a security blanket just I wanted to somebody to take on a switch plate and just like a cross pops out all shit would have been so much better the switch plate everything that happened in this movie it's bad writing so now of course you think that was again it's so the biggest problem in the movie now we get this uh... we get the uh... the rose a detoxing montage

which as we all know uh... from from movies is sweating in a bad for most of a montage is this not a normal amount of sweating i feel like i detox from harrowin like all the time that's how i sleep if movies have taught us anything it's that a bad flu and kicking heroin the exact same experience pretty much yeah and it's like one is a little bit higher than the other but yeah other than that so now that we've seen the wreck was at Hollywood cleaning up from addiction

scene a.k.a. managed to ride the sweatily on the same bed for an entire montage I suppose we can pause for a quick break But before we do let me give act three the hard sell here Will bow peep in the preacher man just cut the tension and fuck already Will Pat Boone fully inflate the balls for the championship game against the cults He looks just like Pat Tom Brady. It's really crazy How much bush do you suppose heroin girl is rocking? Find out the answers to considerably less questions and less when we return for the totally true they promise conclusion of the cross and the switch play.

Oh. It called me Mr. Scoops, because I like to shoe hoops. Now when do we rumble? Well, daddy, yo, the way that we go, neither rain nor the snow will be Wednesday foe show. I actually, I have actually a dentist appointment on Wednesday. Seriously?

Dude, take a hint. That's so obviously, oh, sorry, okay. When it comes to beef, if you want to fight, he's going to need to be Thursday, not even close to a rhyme, not even close to a D. I said, are you fucking serious? I'm sorry, I thought it was a gang war, not a rap battle. I am so sorry about this. I like a little professionalism is all that I ask man. I understand. And again, I am mortified. It's fine. Thursday is fine. Okay. Okay. When we do this step, man, with what kind of weapon? Oh, shit, me. Yeah. Guns, forks, and knives, and each other's wives. Oh, fear thing. Why? If you want to use wives in the game? I don't know, man. What rhymes with knives? This is the least professional war council I have ever been to.

Barris, what is it in a memo? Okay, welcome to the second war council. Hopefully all the kinks have been worked out. They have. They have. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. All right, all right.

So we're doing a Thursday, which weapons? Knives, sticks, yeah, all right, all right. So we're doing a Thursday, which weapons? Knives, sticks, bats, bricks, zips, chains, windowpane, motherfucker. Larry, we had a whole meeting about this. That what rhymes with chains? It doesn't have to rhyme. Doesn't have to rhyme, right? Sorry, sorry, but I try and still.

And we're back from the People's Improv Theater in New York, New York! Yeah! Yeah! Now, first bit ran a little long, so we're gonna have to go a little quick through this second, third act of the show. So we're gonna- It's such a good act though, we're gonna have to go a little quick through this second third act of the show So we're such a good act though. We're gonna rush through it. I feel bad. No, I hate that way

I mean we're gonna have to go long. We have to make this a two-parter. You guys come back next week Awesome All right, so we're gonna start this one off with the Mao Mao's driving around where they see the the marquee for the big gang Party thing they literally they're like oh the marquee for the big gang party thing. And they literally, they're like, ooh, ooh, ooh, gang party. I said, that seems fun, can we go?

I love too that the one character goes like he's like, man, that preacher, you sure gotta admire how brave he is to keep doing that. Keep in mind, this is based on a story written by the guy that that character is talking about. That guy wrote that line about himself for another character to say. He's just got a tape recorder with the next gang member. And now, did you failers they ever talk about how brave I was?

Yeah, man, all the time. No, he wouldn't stop time. Yeah, man. When we couldn't stop talking. No, no. No, apparently they're on their way to Mingo's funeral. Mingo is the guy who threw himself off of the thing, so it's not to get spanked earlier. So they go to Mingo's funeral, but the bishops are elmer fudge stalking them. It's so good. They might as well be behind the grave stones and as the mammals are walking like the grave stones Follow along behind them. It is hilariously comic I

The pink Panther on sacks themselves as their dresses like had stones Also, I gotta say I love that these gangsters in their funeral suits, especially Erica Strata, see my last time I was in a funeral, they didn't even have a matriety, and it was weird, nobody knew where to sit. If you saw the movie, that was really funny, by the way, I was not gonna throw that out.

So yeah, so now they get that they have a big rumble there in the cemetery, right. And this is apparently, this scene only exists so that we get to see Erica Strada's masterful stab walking. Erica Strada will spend the next 45 minutes in the movie stab, struggle walking. To everything, like to work, just... LAUGHTER

Orders something. LAUGHTER Washing his hands. Moose. Brush, brushing his teeth. And I love the cops that show up at this rumble. Oh yeah! They show up in two seconds. They were clearly fucking in that subject. They were walking the graveyard beat. They were walking the cemetery beat.

They might as well fall in from the ceiling and just stop this gang rumble. You know, guys, this is a Christian movie and Christianity the dead often do come back. We might as well have someone station right there. Just make sure. Still dead. Still dead. What?

Still dead. Pfff. Pfff. So. That's the priest Eli got earlier. Pfff. So he, uh, he stab walks his way into an alley and lays down to die. But just then Bo Peep comes along. Now, this is going to lose a little without the visual.

But if you can imagine his head is cracked open like a watermelon, bleeding every fucking where. And Bo Peep walks up and goes, are you hurt? How did she find him? Where are these hidden alleys that they, he's in just like a magical like Donkey Kong you would walk through like a, like a,

I wanted him walk. I wanted him to find a tour alley. He's in like alley nine and three quarters somehow. And she just like finds it. I wanted a minute or two to pass see him and just be like not my problem So yeah, so she's like you want me to go get help and he doesn't answer He just looks at her like what a fuck do you think so she says she thinks to herself. Okay like stabbed man needs help Preacher, preacher, heroin. That's the way to go

and needs help. Preacher. Preacher. Harrow with us the way to go. Harrow would be way more helpful than the future. Way more helpful than the future. And to be fair, Pat Boone runs down the, Pat Boone was apparently three feet away.

Yeah. Cause he runs down the other way and he's like, Hey, looks like you need a doctor. What the hell am I here? One second Eric St. He comes back, he's got like a birthday clown and the clown's like, oh, you need a doctor!

It's just a series of more and more ridiculous jobs. So but now, but he doesn't want anybody's damn help. He can stab, struggle walk all on his own. So he goes, I don't need your help. And they're like, oh, okay. And don't help him. Yeah, they respect his witches. He's like, no, I don't like you. And they're like, fine, bleed to death.

Yes. When you come around, I'll be here. Yeah. So he wanders off and Rosa goes to follow him because she wants to help him out too, but not really. Because they get to his apartment and she decides that rather than dealing with the visible intestines, she would rather talk to him about how the preacher really helped her a lot and really some of the things he said to her made a lot of sense.

Women. Got blood pouring down your face. So guess what my week was like. I know, I know, but I just want to tell you this one thing real quick. Okay, I need to tell you a story first. You remember my friend, Allison? She's so funny. She's so funny.

So. She's fun. Allison is funny. So fun. So it's funny. And of course, also it seems like through the course of this scene, I'm trying to keep you out of trouble. So through the course of this scene, not only is she more concerned with preacher and Jesus than the fact that he's stabbed, but eventually so is he. He just ignores his spleen like popping out of his stomach

and he's like, you know what, you're gotten really weird since you kicked heroin. I just want to say that you've changed. Yeah He's like, I let you better when you are on the junk and I'm thinking like if my wife was gonna be either a Jesus Freaker a heroin addict I think good, you know, I mean at least they ride when they're on heroin. I was kind of sexy But it's not tax deductible. So you got to consider. Oh, shit. You got to consider the tax implications.

Yeah, no, I had not honestly thought about that at home. As long as you don't run out of heroin. Yeah, I never know what's going to happen. Then she might, well, I have some preachers that I could use, so she's very unhappy about this. And you know how when you get in a fight with your girlfriend or your boyfriend, and you just immediately run to your heroin dealer We've all been there. It's a hard time for all of us

But here's the weird thing the music they set this like serious moment to is like It is the crazy. She's licking a lollipop as she skips to a heroin deal Really She's licking a lollipop as she skips to a heroin deal That's really weird Wonder woman also can we talk a little bit about her he He if you have to describe her heroin dealer in one word What word would that be? I'm gonna say obsequious is that's fairly It's not appropriate word for a heroine Heroine is very attentive to the point of overly attentive as a heroine dealer service I want to I want to meet anyone who loves their job as much as this heroine dealer loves his job

He gets he greets her like he gets greeted at McDonald's just like like he gets greeted at McDonald's just like oh bring me all the options oh he's here everybody he's like cheers but with slightly less heroin yes that's really what happened to Diane not a lot of people know that so I was wondering why Rhea stayed so skinny.

So yeah, so now the heroin dealer, like, he has a little like, I don't know, fucking Cajun chef moment while he's making the hair, he's whistling to himself. He's like Rachel Ray. With air like, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. And the secret ingredient is baby laxative.

Yes, but it's a whole thing plays like iron chef heroin. Yeah, it's amazing. It's like anal retentive heroin chef. And now you wrap the used needle in a paper towel, fold them, unbroken, and then wrap it into a... I want to see an episode of Iron Chef where the secret ingredient is heroin. Because you know there's one guy that would just start right away. I wanna see an episode of Iron Chef where the secret ingredient is heroin. And... Ha-ha-ha. Cause you know there's one guy

that would just start right away. Ha-ha-ha. So much pressure on that cooking show. He'd just be like, I'm making a heroin souffle. With a heroin rambulant, and a heroin pasta with a heroin, you just committed like eight felonies. I know, but I wanna...

I wanna beat Mario Batalli. Gordon Ramsey just slaps it out of his hand. Make it again. Look at this heroin. Look at this heroin. But of course now so she takes her heroin but of course she's all Jesus' stop now, so it doesn't work. It doesn't work! You can be a heroine. She is heroine proof. Yeah, she is.

I wanted that to catch on from this movie so badly. Like the snake venom, just like someone walks out. Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna show you the power of holy shit. Bring me a bass guitar. Boom, boom, boom, boom. So now we got to go check in on Ganga, Paloza So the ramen show needs a new angle. I'm just saying I think ramen show needs a new angle There's no two still I was trying to think of like I'm like all the fucking all the slang terms for it or one syllable

Just dammit. There's no two. There's no that Yeah, so if anybody has a new slang term for heroin that they'd like to throw out two syllables, please so Cook in back to Thank you. Thank you. I wouldn't by the way We hear that edited. It's gonna sound like I came up with that by I just went on You're gonna throw that out there. I won't be honest with you. It feels racist Now it does right now it does what like cuz it's like oh black char like cuz it's tar but it's all be wise it gotta be

I'm not comfortable I'm less comfortable. I will explain to you after the show why they cook in some tar with But then you're just the kind of taste of heroin. Where's the spoon? So so we got a jacket on gang a blues of and nobody's shown up for gang of blues it guys They're really bummed out. Yeah, they are, they are. But this is when Sergeant Palin Drummer, whatever the fuck his name was, says, hey, you know what'd be a great idea if you're gonna get all the gangs together, why not have no cops anywhere?

Yeah, I'm gonna go. That's... See, if everyone had a chain, a zip, a knife, and a gun, we wouldn't need cops. Second amendment. Second amendment. Right? New talent was a false flag who's with me yeah Eli's with me so false flag so we we come we clear that up because it's very important that we learn that they're not going to be you know the the cops aren't going to be at the gang of blues or whatever so now we cut to the to the gangs staring each other down again and they're in perfect

semi-circles Yeah getting ready for this gang fight, and I really wanted to see them lining up just like little Shush bottle cap back at back at bottle cap back at up a little bit. You there you go, but hold on I got you got my Switchblade. I have a switchblade with a protractor I have a switchblade with a protractor. What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? It needs to be even. This is serious. Count on three. One, two, three.

All right. Three is over here. Oh, it's on this side. So, yeah. So, now it's time for them to figure out where they're going to do the new sequel to the rumble for the rumble that they did before that spilled over into the funeral. Right. And they decide the problem was there was too much escaping. So they're going to use the youth rally with the jitterbugs as a cage match. Yeah, and they're serious,

so you can bring zips this time. The zip guns are in. Yeah, they say that's, and I so wanted to like a gun-making montage, you know, I can push it to the limit. Limit! Just shooting rubber bands. Not good enough. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no And finally kill someone.

I was a commercial for the Nerf zip gun. Just like a bunch of kids diving over couches. Their hands missing from a school. Some kids may have some. Nerf zip. Are you getting ready for a robo? There was a Nerf gun that you pretended to surrender and you shot. Yes. That's a weird toy for a child. It violates the Geneva Convention in a Nerf gun that you pretended to surrender and you shot that guy. That's a weird toy for a child.

It violates the Geneva Convention in a nerf gun. That's impressive. Who is the first guy to be like, all right, guys, we've made 80 nerf guns. And by the way, there's only two real guns. So how about one where you lie about being done fighting and then you shoot someone in the face also okay so now it's it's time to head over to gang of plusom and

i i i i i i want us i don't want to say this line but i'm going to say this line so the first gang shows up the uh... the mow mow show up and they all sit on one far side of the church and now the bishops show up the all black gang shows up and both people look down and says and I quote this is the first time I don't want no soul brothers coming to my party was that racist was I feel I feel like a party of all white people can be fun. Yeah, it's fun.

You're a public party. You've gotten so politically light. Since you've really, since you've joined the show. I love to. You get the, okay, now we know that these are gangs, right? We know that it's the one gang sitting on the other, the other gang sitting on the other side. But to the people who are in this church,

because apparently some people were just there for the service that night, all they see is a bunch of black people come in and sit down. Are they like well-behaved little gangs? Like what are they doing at Gang of Plusa? Are they just, they thought it was a service? They just were really into the church service. They were in the service.

But here's the crazy thing, the Mao Mao's come in and they've got knives and chains and zips and canes and they're just like, oh nice, they've got matching jackets. And the black people get in and every white person there is just like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope it at all Amazing and yeah, and we got a point out that these kids are not just like sitting there going like all right at four o'clock Everybody pulls out there. They're waving their machetes at each other from across the room. I'm a stab you later This game Fantastic find me if you miss me in the gang fight Find me so we can stab it awkward when we didn't line up evenly last time.

I didn't have a partner. I was just, look stupid. We're gonna make fun of you. It was like parachute. This is a bad movie. I had to be partners with a teacher. Because I was so popular. So.

I got a lunch table all to myself. The other kids were intimidated, right mom? I've always been this way. There wasn't always a podcast. Most of the time it was just me and her, and I was like, do you like me back? And she was like, no.

All right, next time we invite Heath's mom, and we roast her. So, I love two. Okay, so this is what they've got. They've literally got, again, they've got two gangs, openly brandishing large knives and firearms. And they look to the preacher and he's like, man, that's pretty trough crowd.

He goes, maybe we send Mary out there to sing. Literally, they send us, that would be like, if you guys were all like waving guns and fire in the air and everything, I'm like, hey, Lucinda, do you want to do maybe a song? First? And she comes out and it's not even like I just like Boy that's a hell of a falsie you got there bro Thank you And I'd like you to stand on that stool and sing us an Irish song.

Yes. So, yeah, so, okay, so she goes out and then she sings and she can't do it, she runs off or whatever. And now it's time for the preacher man to come out there and show us what he's got. And you know what'll really get him a collection? He goes, you know what I need to do? Ask this room for money. Well, this is the most amazing accidental metaphor in the history of Christian movies. Because the way he's going to get the gangs on his side, right? He sends them out with these little collection buckets or whatever. And he gives them to the gang members, right? He's like, I want you guys to go out and get money from everybody in this crowd.

So for like three minutes, we watch these guys walk up one after the other to people and just go, more, and armed men. And then that's something that put it, you're supposed to put money in my hand, you fucked up my bed, but that's all right. You, but they give them money and then they was still, give them more money in it. And I'm like, that is church. Wow!

They're not usually this honest, y'all. To be fair, yeah, that is way nicer than prosperity gospel. Yeah, right. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, just we'll just stab you if you don't give us money. Oh, okay. Don't give us your rent. Just crevlo dollar comes in.

Let me show you how to do it motherfucker So you got a shake it you got a she the key it's in the shake I Know that you put imaginary money in his imaginary thing but whatever whatever So yeah, so and and this so here's the thing He says take all the money and go through the back door where nobody can see you and then come back around and give it to me. Right? So then they walk out and they're like, so you guys want to just take this money now or

like we can just throw it in a pot and we're going to run bull. He has a good idea. Wayne. He has a good idea. You know what would totally blow this preacher's mind? What's that? If we just gave him the money. I don't would totally blow this preacher's mind? What's that? If we just gave him the money. I don't understand why that would blow his mind.

He'll never see it coming. But we also won't have any money though. One second, let me add to that idea. We all become Christians. Oh shit. Literally, he's just like, oh, he'll never see it coming. So they wander out with the popcorn bucket. Yeah, and they're like, boy, this will fuck up

his rhetorical device. And he's like, thanks. And you can see the actors looking at each other like, I don't get it. I don't know, we just lost a bunch of money. I don't know. Did we do it? How much are you getting paid to do this movie?

So was it as much as the prop money in the popcorn bucket? I don't know if you know this, you can get to five or seventy five in fact I can get you a deal though. Can you yeah? Can you get like peace down or like three male want to sit there? Wow six bodies All right no change Done Thank you good. No wait a minute, hold on. So yeah, so now it's time for the big end of the movie.

Now, luckily for you, we're running a little low on time. So we're not gonna spend the 87 years on this God damn sermon that the movie does. Again, we're not gonna be able to do it justice because it's a sweet scene. It's a mean scene. We're not gonna fast forward through it. All we really need to talk about is what happens at the end of this sermon.

So he's like, Jesus is great and Jesus loves you and the real cowardice is not love Jesus. But this really gets to Erika strata. Yeah, no, Erika strata, we close in on him and he's just he's right and the most great to love Jesus look, we all know there's one thing that happens when you've really been moved by someone speaking. And that is that a high school picture day background appears behind them. It's the lasers. The lasers think that they're doing. Yes, the lasers just like, okay, they literally freeze frame.

Yes, with that look on his face, they literally freeze frame. Yes, with that look on his face, they freeze on that, and then lasers appear behind him. And Eric Astrod of the whole time's going, oh my god, it is the single most amazing instant in any movie we have ever watched. And I think anybody that was there for platinum night will back me up on this.

Yeah, oh my god, I loved it so fucking much. we have ever watched and I think anybody that was there for platinum night will back me up on this. Yeah. Oh My God. I loved it so fucking much and then okay So he has his whole big Jesus talk Eric is trying to come to Jesus and now abdula The character that asked him earlier if he meant Allah when he was talking about God Lay me down. He's like yeah, no, I get it preachers my, it's my turn now. I mean, I get Jesus is awesome and everything. You guys still want a gang fight. How did you freeze like that? No, we're just going to get a gang fight.

We're in a gang fight. It's weird. We did those lasers come from. But yeah, but now it's time for the gang fight. So all the gangs jump up and they get start running towards each other with their machetes out. But just then, they'll just say this, but it's damn it.

And kill it. That's Erica Strata acting hard again. And everyone reacts the way you did, which is off putting. These actors, I don't want to, I'll stab a hymno. The actors, they can act at one or 11. And that's all they can do. And the jumps between is, like, they start acting violently. Do you ever see somebody drive a stick wrong?

And it's lurching and stopping and lurching and stopping that's the acting in this movie. So I drive an automatic. Because I'm hitting people and some... So now, so Erica Strata jumps up and tells everybody... It's good you don't have a car anymore. It's a good thing. We appreciate that by the way. Well done.

Very important. So I also should point out that in this scene, that the music is so incredibly fucking literal. It's so specific. The name of the song is like God loves Eric Astrada. God loves the last line of this song. He's literally God loves Nicky Cruz. That's the character's name.

That's the character's name. Yes. And now he loves Jesus, too. And now the greatest outback to come on. Credits. It's amazing. But of course, Abdullah, because he's Muslim, he's a layman, is...

Not a knowledgeable Mormon, it's the end. And there's one thing that the Book of Mormon, read the Book of Mormon, gives you, it's all the racism. the book of Mormon, read the book of Mormon, gives you all the racism. So everyone is super affected by this except for Abdullah, who is immune obviously from the layman eyedness. So he says, yeah, no, I get it, but I'm still going to stab you. So he runs to stab Eric Estrada, gets him right in the stigmaigmata. Literally. But he's not bothered by it. He's just like, damn. And so, he gets the knife back from Abdullah

and they wrestle around a little bit and he says, hey look, I can stab you in the neck, but I'm not gonna because I'm Christian now. Well, he says, I've got your knife now. I can take it from you or I can give it back to you. And I wanted him to be like, I mean, I would prefer if you gave it back. But I'm going to be honest. I'm going to use it to stab you.

I thought that was going to be more dramatic. You just answered kind of calmly. All right. Not going to stab you. So it's the movie over. It's super close. So yeah, so he lets Abula go. And now everybody decides to be a Christian.

And everybody just clamors to the front to get their Bibles. And he's handing out these little tiny like the Gideon Bibles. And they're like, give me one of the big Bibles. You got a breach, I can take it. And so he starts handing out all the giant everybody's like, oh my God, there's even the character named Israel was like, you got preach, I can take it. And so he starts handing out all the giant everybody's like, oh my God, there's even the character named Israel's like, I'm in the Bible, y'all, every page. That's literally the line at the end of this movie.

It's unbelievable. I so wish I was just making that up. And now, and that's it, right now, all the kids are Christian, the movie can wrap up. We get a quick bizarre little voice over from Pat Boone Okay, this is the craziest moment of the whole movie. It's the very end. Can I be the homeless guy? I'm the very end and how I'm doing voiceover and he's like, yes, I changed everybody's mind and they all became Christians and now

There's an adult homeless guy here and he goes and he's like they all became Christians and I always knew that the he just walks away from the normal whole exact thing that happens he's just like I mean you're not a teenager yeah you're like the neapolitan iceum of humans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's it! That's all we get out of this movie. Now Hollywood has obviously seen a number of infamous gangs throughout the many years,

the dead rabbits, Dillinger's gang, the goonies, etc. So thank you, thank you, one for the goonies. So to wrap things up tonight, I want you to think of the list of the most intimidating gangs in cinematic history. And then I want you to tell me where the gangs from this movie would fall. What would come right before them and right after them, for example? All right, I'm going to say a Ryan Brotherhood. It's just a bunch. It's just a, it's like a few people I know named Ryan. They're called a Ryan brotherhood

So on that I'm gonna go with like scarier than Steven Baldwin in loving the bad man But less scary than the newsies All right, well on that no we're gonna bring Episode 95 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to Anna Bosnick for helping out with the sound. Lucinda Luzzins and Razorwax for helping out with all of the merch. Huge thanks to Morgan Clark, who's gonna make this all sound good later. Huge thanks to the whole team here at the People's Improv Theater. And of course, to all of you for coming out, you guys are awesome!

And until next week, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Somebody played this movie for a bag of stem cells and they turned it to Ted Nuchin. Okay, minus serious, this is honest, the Muslim character was the only one completely beyond redemption. There are 90 minutes of cut footage of Pat Boone saying the end word. Alright, thank you so much folks, thank you, thank you. viewing enjoyment Eli will perform a cartwheel. Really? And he never did one again. Or before.

The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2017 all rights reserved. did one again.