God Awful Movies - 96: GAM096 Love Different

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Love Different, an uplifting sign of American racial equality that proves you can make a painfully racist movie regardless of the color of your skin. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

So what is she saying? Like he needs to call his wife like not my number one instead my infinite set of positive real numbers Like baby you are all X such that X is greater than zero as a set What the fuck is this me? My wife would love it if I said that. You are uncountably infinite in your scope. The inside of Lucinda's wedding ring. God awful! Movie! who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be.

Who we will be. Welcome back to the Gamecast. We're each week. We sample another selection from Christian cinema because no matter how sure we are, we found the worst one. We're always wrong. I'm your host, Noel Usions, and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend, Heath. And right, Heath, welcome back.

Thanks, Noah. You know who'd like to apologize in advance for what's about to happen? Yeah, be me. If I had to guess I thought your opening line was going to be, you know what's a great race? Well, you know, who's a great group of people with an amazing rich culture, despite this movie African Americans? Want to be super clear about that up front? Yeah, and we're going to have to be this week. You'll see why soon and sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you? This fine afternoon, sir. I watched the Tribulation movies. What I'll be reviewing wacky, cart camera and his brothers. We didn't do prophecy for. We should jump back in front of the forest.

Christopher walking so silly. He's not in it, but it's okay. I'll still do it. We can do this in nation. No, unfortunately it's too late for that. So he'll tell us, what will we be breaking down today? My God. Okay.

We watched Love Different. What's that the story of? And okay, well, these are the exact words from IMDB. Oh, okay. Lindsay Walker, a Caucasian woman who grew up in a small, all Caucasian town, gets a job, already uncomfortable, correct. She gets a job at an African American consulting firm and finds herself in a complete

culture shock. What the fuck is an African American consulting firm? You might have asked. We'll find out, but not really. This movie's turn. That's not all the milkshakes. Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love birth of a nation, but it wasn't made by African Americans, you will

love this movie. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. You're just reading what I wrote over your introduction now. All right, so a lot of... I'm not sure what actually happened. Right. So often when we watch these movies, I'm embarrassed for everyone about the directors, the actors, craft services, everybody. But this was the first time I think that I personally was embarrassed

by watching it. Right? Like, there were times in this movie where like, I'm like, I'm so ashamed of myself that this is what I've chosen. I could be contributing to science, y'all. I'm not, we have any. I could die and donate my body. Yeah. I. Yes. Any other viewing firsts for you guys in this movie? Yeah, for me, this is the first time I called somebody during the movie and asked permission

to keep watching. I, for the record, have a number of black friends. And I had one of them watch the trailer and he said, yeah, you can finish watching you Nazi looking asshole and you're hung up angrily. So like just barely I was allowed to keep watching it. This is the first time I stopped a movie to ask Noah if we needed a black guest watching. It was like a 10 minute conversation where I was like, I feel like and you were like, we can't call them every time. And I was like, we don't. It's worse. It's worse. Things. That's where I was with this right? Because like on the one hand, yes, it's

going to be super hard to go through this movie like as three white dudes and not just feel insanely racist. But the other thing too is it would be impossible to call up one of my black friends and ask them to watch this movie without seeming incredibly racist. So like without clearly being like, and we printed you onto this metal coin. Yeah, probably you can trade in later, perhaps in an arcade. I'm not, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at later, perhaps it an arcade. Step, do you like? Um, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Um, yeah, okay, best worst.

I'm actually going to use this section to remind everybody about our rollover plan on our one. That still applies and save some up since the last time. Well, there you go. That's right. We didn't in Christopher Walker movies did three and talk about it all. Really? I'm going to go with two best worst child abuse advice. A running theme throughout this movie will be you got to hit your kid, man. You have got to hit your kid culminating in a will she hit her kid?

chariots of fire moment at the end of the movie. I'm not boiling for you. But it is like a bro, do do do do do do. She got hit her kid. And secondly, in best worst internalized racism, because we should be clear, this is a movie made by African Americans. This is not a movie made by white people where they got one or two white African American

actors. This is, this is a movie made by African Americans. I think African Americans who fought for the South during the Civil War would watch this movie and be like, no, it's too far. Let me take a step back and see the message that they're sending. The war was about the economy. This is something different. Holy shit.

Yeah, it's, it will get there, obviously. And but I don't think we can possibly possibly I don't know that there are words that you could say to someone to get them ready for this movie. Um, so I was going to go with best worst untouched comic dominoes. All right, so I know it's a weird phrasing, but this movie spends so much time like setting up these convoluted comic premises that they then don't knock down over and over. Okay, I'm going to tell you a joke in the style of this movie to get you to give you an idea what I mean. All right.

A horse and a Marigold walk into a bar. There's a monkey bartender and they sit down next to this leprechaun. They order a drink. The bartender says, Hey, horses, fine. Marigolds have to answer a riddle to get a drink around here. So the Marigold answers this riddle, gets this drink. They both get a beer and then a insurance salesman walks into the bar and he says, this is a very unusual bar. But all of the characters in that Joker and blackface, that's what we want to do. All right. No, there are other not picturing a horse and black you're really missing out. This movie. Now you're not missing out.

Yeah. Why you miss out? All right. Well, before we endeavor to describe this movie, I feel like we're all going to need a minute to bolster our lots of black friends. Cred maybe donate some money to the NAACP or something. So we're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we'll apologize to earth on behalf of humanity for all the unapologetic stereotypes that are love different.

Tim, when the boys and the livers start talking so I can put you on hold. Um, I'm sorry. What? Sorry. One second. No, Kyle, Kyle, I said the health department gave us a D, D for deliver. Yes. Thank you.

Not at all. Sorry about that. How can I help? Right. I'm just looking for some food. It's it's you can't call us to order blue apron. We're a typical delivery place that delivers so you can't call it. What's blue apron? Sir, it's the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Sorry. One second. I said, make the bags wet when you deliver them, Kyle. I know it's not raining wet.

Yes, wet, wetter, wetter. Wow, what is happening? This is supposed to be easy. I just want to order. I know, right? But you know what is easy? Cooking with blue apron with pre-portion ingredient, step-by-step recipes delivered right to your door.

You will love how good and feels it tastes to create incredible home cook meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. Okay. Sorry. Who do I speak to about ordering? I'm just trying. I'm sorry. Give me one second. Kyle visible insects on the inside of our restaurant. I want people to see them if they make the mistake of eating here. See them, Kyle. Right. You can check out this week's menu. Get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash God awful movies. That's blue apron.com slash God awful movies. Big ones, Kyle. This is not hard.

No, I mean order from you. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, go ahead. I'd like slow down. I'd like slow down. I'd slower. I blew apron a better way to cook. You gotta get past the first 50 pages, but I'm telling you, it's great. Once the dragons are in the picture, it's just genuinely a fun read. All right. I just don't have time to read, you know, I just got a lot of stuff.

Eli? I know. What's up? Not much. Why are the police here? Oh, we reported this week's movie. Yeah. Yeah.

I helped. Guys, yeah, I helped guys. This is a waste of police time. We're going to get in so much Noah beg to differ. This film posits all black people eat watermelon. Yeah, and there may or may not be a scene where the black people all start, hey, what is it? You know what? That's not the boy guys. I'm sure it's not exactly tasteful, but a black character tips a literal dollar. It's in here, officer right over here.

Computer. It's on it got on my computer. Do do they go in the computer and arrest the movie? No, he should. It's where the file should. Should. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off with some of that notoriously clever Christian wordplay. You see, this movie is brought to us by sunset Friday entertainment, but son like S. O. N. Get it? Because Jesus. Oh, wow. My first note here is music note. Oh, this Christian movie is going to be hard. Well, also, we should point out that the executive producer of this movie is God. Yep. First fucking thing you see on screen after the logos, executive producer God. And then we meet a man whose kids think he's hilarious,

comedy and add us in a mirror. And in exactly the same way as you try to make a six year old laugh. Oh, it's, it's not, let me say, okay, so all three people on the air right now are funny people. And that means that we've all had the experience where someone is like, oh man, no, it's so funny. No, do something funny. Right, right.

This is that moment, except instead of saying, I hope your family dies of blood cancer, they, you said yes, and you had a toothbrush and a mirror to work with. I tend to go with the blood cancer thing because they never ask you again, but this is that actor being like, oh, do something funny.

Watch this space work with a toothbrush. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I heard black guy brushing his teeth perfect. That's me. Brush brush brush. Oh my God, it's so offensive. Well, okay, just give you an idea, because we're getting these various clips of him in the mirror or whatever. And at one point he has the shake weight, which is just a boundless well of comedy, so much so that you don't have to do anything with it.

You just have to use a shake weight and that's apparently fucking hilarious. He wasn't even using it like you use a shake weight. Wait, what's a shake weight? What? The shake weight, that thing he's shaking at the beginning, it is a, it's supposed to tone your arms and it's a little machine. Watch the ad.

I'm really excited for you to watch the ad. Yeah, I'm really excited. Just take a moment, pause this podcast, get on your phone and YouTube, shake weight, and realize that that was thought up, produced and sold on television. It's a good time. I won't soil it for you. All right. You miss so much, not being on Twitter. So yes. And now as he's goofing around in the mirror, his wife comes in and, oh, how embarrassing when you're improvving into a mirror and somebody comes in. It's right.

And she feels about him the way I do. She's like, Oh, this is, this is really embarrassing. Yeah. Bad. And bad setting our people back a lot to see the first scene right here. She says as she's walking out, you look like a deflated, fiddiesent. And I'm just like, just leave this to us lady. We've got it.

I got to like that one. He does got it. No, it kind of does, yeah. And now we're gonna contrast that with a white girl in the mirror, also being funny. Yeah. Two-faced lady from right to believe. Yes, yes, I am desperate to fuck wife from right to believe.

But yes, that's the actress. At some point they're gonna add a light.'s going to crawl out of the screen at me. I was confident that was about that. And instead of the wife catching her, it's the sun. They catch his her goofing off in the mirror. Okay. So I have a question about this sun. I think I know what the question is. He's a right-of-head, sir? His character is supposed to be misbehaved, but the behavior this young man exhibits is not misbehaved unless it's like

night out with my girls misbehaved. You know what I mean? I can describe his performance in five letters, but only if I'm allowed to, uh, hit the first one. It is crazy that they have just chosen. Now, I don't know if that, and here's the thing, I don't know if this actor is currently at a camp being tortured into not believing he's a gay person.

If this kid was like all the bad kids at my school are like, If this kid was like all the bad kids at my school are like, sassy, sassy, frassy, but he was in the movie being like, uh, whatever mom, get out of here girl with those pants and no shoes. He's not naughty. There's no chance the word, faggot Lee isn't in brackets next to every line in the script in his kid. Jesus. Yeah, no, he chose sassy angry gay boyfriend the entire fucking time. And you know what? It works. It works in this movie, dammit. So yeah, so this is also where the movie introduces its i feel like i'm there in there and obzky with my split screens and shit it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's Well, we want to see the reaction shots the whole time. Jesus.

And just to prove how confusing they will make this young man's journey, the son is like, can I go play rugby with the girls after school? And their mom's like, isn't rugby a little rough to be playing with girls? Every word in that sentence is confused. The rugby is America with girls, but somehow that's bad because rugby is too rough, but softball wouldn't be is that a remark on his sexuality. I didn't know anything. He's like, I'm going to join the field hockey team. Well, aren't those pants a little long?

I just, I didn't get any. Well, I do want to point out that rugby is significantly more violent than softball if you're not a Republican. Too soon. Oh, sorry, sorry. He's fine. He's. Yeah. Yeah. It seems. He might care. Paul. So. So yeah, so he runs off, the sun runs off without eating breakfast. And then we have to cut over to the African American dude having his breakfast. Reese's puffs. Hell, so it's a good cereal.

It's got good taste. He's got good taste. But he's keeping, now this is not related to the movie. It's just something I wanted to, he keeps the cereal in a separate container. And that's something I've noticed poor people do is that a poor people thing that you take it out of the box. They gave you at the store to keep your cereal in and you put it in something else. Yeah, you know, poor people tend to buy extra things up there. Yeah, to add expense to their purchase. Yeah, to that not weird anyone else that you were like, why

not. I mean, I eat cereal like in the car on the way home, so not weird anyone else that you were like, why just not in the box? I eat cereal like in the car on the way home, so I don't need that, but like, I feel like it makes sense for other people. And also this movie, okay, this movie is very like almost not a Christian movie, but undeniably a Christian movie, right? It's like one of those things where like he couldn't sell the script so he worked in six Christian things or whatever throughout the movie so that peer flux would buy it. And this is the first one. This is where the wife says, you should really go to church

with me. Me. And he's like, yeah, can we go to your friends, one woman show or something? I get a colonoscopy in the audience now. Oh, colonoscopies are way more fun than their cracked up to be and now okay So now we have you ever had one. Oh, yeah, um, so uh to that age I've had one. You're the only one I've had some way But it's my ass than you it's a snake and do they do water? Is it just that's not water? No, they do not this they it's just like a scope. Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's,

that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that But now the white girl is on the phone with a friend who just can't believe the exposition. Move. And and we get a little comparison side by side white people can do this, but black people

can't do this. It's so fucking stupid. All right. So it's the white girl. And then the black guy, both of them pull up at a red light next to a cop one after the other, right? the white girl and then the black guy both of them pull up at a red light next to a cop one after the other right up up a My old Lee good comic writer could do something with this we did not have one of those You mean the white people when they pull up next to a cop don't turn their music up so that the cop can dance a law

It's so cuz that's what I do I was I really identified with this scene. Hey, obviously you heard this song. You want some whiskey? This is cocaine. Is the barrel this gun look right? It does. Thanks. Okay. Bye. I'm white. Well, and then also, okay. So once that happened, I was like, okay, that was like, my notes are literally just de-fuck over and over again. But then they show the black guy coming up and I'm like, Oh, okay, so once that happened, I was like, okay, that was like, my notes are literally just da fuck over and over again.

But then they show the black guy coming up and I'm like, oh, okay, so we're trying to get the contrast and this black writer just has no idea what white people do when they seek ups. But then again, untouched comic domino here, they don't do anything with it. He just looks nervous and waves to the cop. Yep, that's it. He switches his radio to the cop. That's it. He switches his radio to the news. That's it. So now they both arrive up. Oh, I got to explain the exposition that we were getting forced down our throats in that scene. The white girl has quit her job at the all white consulting

firm to move to an all black consulting firm. What do they consult you on? Yeah. They get forced to make those KKK Kakes. We hear so much about. Oh, I see. They come in. They make those KKK Kakes that liberals want the conservatives to have to make. And then, yeah, that's what they do. I see. That may admit, the whole movie makes sense now. Well, this is a movie that contains classes for white people about black people. So maybe there are black consulting firms where they just walk into black owned businesses

and they're like, oh no, we need to really blacken this whole thing up. Let's just really, I'm gonna get you some prints to put on the wall over here. Jesus. You're just over in this hat. Jesus. So now it's time for the elevator meet cute. Oh, this is fantastic. It is okay. There is so much wrong with this. And I mean terrible. Yeah. That you do. So they get this elevator, the two of them. And she very clearly presses the, the three button. They're going up three flights.

This will take in my estimation 21 years. There are large spaces between each floor on the building. But so, okay, so they get on the elevator to go up their three stories. He immediately puts his, his, his music in and starts screaming rap songs to this woman that he's never met in the elevator. And like dancing like pushing his butt up against it, like basically Bill Cosbyn her in this elevator. It's also like scream, surprise, saying you like, like, there's a, there's a, it's a montage and there's a seamer. He's just like, which is not any music, there's no it, Bra! Bra!

Bra! Bra! You don't listen to dubstep at all. There are some songs like that. He does the bullet thing like, Bra! Bra! Like right in her face, it's really creepy.

Yeah. This is why mixed elevators are not a joke. Shit. I just, just teeth and Betsy DeVos. Right now. What are you working on? Gamnotes. What are you working on? Education policy for the entire cut.

Oh, so they get out of the elevator. She appears traumatized. That makes perfect sense. I really want to just like start screaming the friends theme song back at him. Oh, yeah. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. screaming the friends theme song back at him. Oh yeah. Bam. And now we know now. Asshole.

Oh, yeah, yeah, look at my book on tape Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Stone, chapter one. So she goes into work. She gets to the third floor. Finally, she gets to the third floor. She walks into the building to what I had down as music to fuck a middle aged white lady to. I wrote she appears to have wandered into an office porn.

Yeah, right, but porn for women. Yeah. Yeah. So this is where we meet Shina. That's a lady that works there. And also we learn that the white girl's name is Lindsay. And then, you know, she's like, oh, I'm here to see the boss. I'm the new chick. And she's like, okay, I'll go get the boss. And while she's going to get the boss, another dude walks by and sees that there's a white lady there and is terrified. It's like, it's like the day Marissa Tomey showed up on the set of a different world. It's like Sinbad walks around the corner. White girl, what the fuck is happening? It's terrified. Yeah, so at first, of course, he assumes that she's with the IRS because that's what white people do.

But when he finds out that she's the new check, he's like, how the hell did they hire a white lady? That's, yeah, literally, yeah. Hi, I'm Lindsey the Caucasian. Yes. It's terrifying. There's also this crazy mot where he comes back and he's like, and the girls like, be nice to her and he comes back and he's like, Oh, all right. You want anything? Coke, water, a sriracha?

Now what? I don't want to prove any parts of this movie true, but I don't know what a surprise is. Why is this so hot? It's a vodka. Well, it's okay. It's vodka. You and I don't drink. So that's why we don't know.

It's not for all right. He didn't offer it. He offered her two in the afternoon vodka. It's a vodka owned by a famous African American musician, I believe. I see. Yeah. All right. Well, there you go.

So yeah, but that's this movie's idea of humor. He offers her vodka and she says, Oh, what? And he goes, you don't know what that is. And then apparently we laugh. Okay. So it was still like offering a beverage at your office is a racial thing that seems like a weird. He should have offered her white girl drinks. He should have been like, would you like a soy 110 degree mocha lunch? I get that joke. Would you like the tears of the people that your family oppressed? I'm thinking back. We walked into Andrew's office. It was like, no, no, no, no, no, tequila. He did not react well to that.

So he did not react well to that. So, all right. So now Mr. Chamberlain, the boss is ready to go ready to see her. But before she does, the sheena has to warn her, he's on strong medication that messes with his brain and gives him hallucinations. What a masterfully subtle comic set up. What a weird choice. Did they shoot the scenes with this character? And they were like, well, he's got Velcro for a beard, but he thinks he's something else. What the fuck was up with that guy's beard?

I eat the crazy. Look, you don't have to watch all of these movies. He's in the trailer. You should absolutely watch this movie. If only support in the ACLU comes for us. You can be witnesses on our behalf. But you should watch this movie just for this character's beard. I've never seen a human with this kind of facial hair. No, it's, it's mold. It's like, it's, yeah, velcro. It's just looks like he taped velcro to his face. I, you know, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the wardrobe person was like, yeah, we're gonna need a little Velcro on your face. That's, that wouldn't be the weirdest decision they made in this movie.

He looks like a drunk person made a Mr. Potato Head, like out of Lawrence Taylor's face. It's just like halfway up his cheek. It's nowhere near set. It's so weird. And also I want to point out once again, completely untouched, comic domino. They go all out of their way to set up this, he hallucinates thing. There is never going to be a joke based on that.

I mean, they're short of is at the end, but like mostly it more felt like they originally filmed this scene with other people in it and then had to explain them away when they quit the movie for being too racist. Yeah. I mean, he will occasionally hallucinate throughout this film, but that is it. Yeah. Well, through this scene, through this scene, and never again, he'll be in the rest of the movie. But yeah, once in a while, he'll turn and he'll say something to someone who's not there. And then we'll see that person momentarily, but never like in a funny way or in such a way as to like confuse her as to who he's talking about.

Nothing. It's just, yeah, they, they apparently think the setup is all you need. The punchline can simply be the end. Anyway. So so without in mind, she comes in and she says, you know, I'm going to be really good for your firm. I know black people pretty good. Totally relate to you people.

Sorry, you peeps. I relate to you people. Sorry, you peeps. I relate to you, so this whole movie, God, I just crosses her arm in front of her chest. But she's just, that literally basically happens later in the movie. She might as well just start naming black people just like Barack Obama half credit. Steven Douglas. Nope. No, Al Jolson get out. Yeah, because he says,

you know, I think I'm going to team you up with a black guy so you can understand black people to which she responds, oh, I want you to know, I am not at all racist. That exact performance. Yep. At which point any human would go, so you're racist. Are you racist? You're racist? You're racist? But instead, well, and he's not exactly buying it.

So he gives her the three question blackness quiz. Oh, I am. No, no, just don't worry about it. We don't have talk about this scene. Yeah, if you're culturally sensitive, just fast forward 10 minutes. Okay. 10 minutes. So we're gonna say 10. How long's the movie? Just go listen to the other episodes. We're gonna have another one next week. Yeah. We have four. All right. So I got to go through this. The three questions on the how well do you know black people quiz?

She says, he says a fight is happening in front of you. You pull out your phone. Do you use it to call the cops or videotape the fight? Guess which is supposed to be the black answer. Right. I don't get this. Well, we're going to get to it. We're going to get to it because the answer is her answer be the black answer. I don't get to it. We're going to get to it because the answer is, her answer is call the police to make sure everyone is in need of help.

Except she says call the Pope. Oh, right. She's trying to black it up a bit. Right. She's trying to help him out. Then he thinks a song. And she doesn't know the last lyric. I really wanted him to set her up on the N word finish this rap with that.

No, I try. I will trigger. Yeah. So she doesn't get that. And then find the final question. This is so insane to me. He says, you hear someone screaming in distress, obviously needing your help. What would you do? And she's like, I would help them. He's like, oh,

you got that one wrong too. And to prove it, he calls in the two black characters from earlier, the Sheena and the guy who was afraid of her and offered her a vodka apparently. Craig, yeah. Right. And they do a little mini racist skit as an answer to each of them. He says, what would you do? And they're like, oh, I'm filming it. Just like, oh, no, a world start. They're just like, and then they get the song right. And then they explain that it should, should they have encountered trouble? They, they would run away because black people don't are incapable of altruism. Is that even a stereotype?

Is that a whole not? I've never heard that. I've never heard that as a, I've heard most terrible stereotypes. I have heard that. I've been upstate New York. No one's ever been like, and black people will run away if you need help. Right. Exactly. I lived in South Georgia and I never heard that. So yeah. So apparently, but apparently that's what this black writer, director and star decided to go with in his film. So now speaking of

him, it's time to team her up with Mr. Campbell, the guy from the elevator, so that he can teach her how to be blacker. That is the setup. That's the precept of this whole movie right there. Yep. This guy is going to have two days to blacken her up a bit. Oh, wow. Yeah. And it's just, and it's every, it's, it's worse than you think. So, all right. So, oh, and of course, we also have to shoehorn Mr. Harrington into this scene. Yeah. He's like waiting in the hallways like, yeah, you're going to be meeting Mr. Harrington once you know black people enough. Mr. Harrington, get on in here and he's just like, Hey, how you doing? I seem to have no problem talking to a white person who can't name all their favorite characters from in living color. But she's got a like go study up on the first six seasons of the Cosby show.

Fire marshal bill you fired. Did you just refer to the Cosby show as a black show? You're fired. Um, so. Don't crush that for me. Is that not so there are not? Is it not? There are some black people in it. Yeah.

So, okay. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I And I want to point out just how brutally minute by minute this movie has been up till now. Okay, up to this point, we have watched people brush their teeth to get ready in the morning, have breakfast, drive to work, arrive at work, ride up the elevator, meet the boss, meet the, the, the, the fucking like literally this movie has been minute by minute so far, which is why it's so ridiculous when she meets meek, right? The main character. And he says, you must be hungry. Let's go get some lunch. I'm like, it's so ridiculous when she meets Nick, right? The main character and he says, you must be hungry.

Let's go get some lunch. I'm like, it's 908. It's like you live. Show me you guys start your work day at nine. It is 10 after right now. What are you fucking hobbits? And I just want to say I am so glad we all were so afraid of where he was going to take her to eat.

All of our notes are like, I'm turning the movie off. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't describe on the radio for my great grandchildren to listen to. Oh, I also want to point out as they're leaving for lunch, like the, uh, Nick is like, Hey, you want to watch me fuck with the boss a little bit? And he messes with him about one of his hallucinations. Cause I guess the guy has a hallucinated girlfriend. And he's like, Hey, you know, your girlfriend looks a little upset. And I thought to myself, then, okay, if they, if they have like the two of them come in later

and he's having makeup sex with this girlfriend, that's worth the setup. Anything less than that's not and we get less than that. So yeah, so they set off to satisfy their Habitess Camille schedule. But and it's not soul food and it's not Roscoe's chicken and waffles and it's not grandma's house of watermelon and cool late as we would be expecting at this point in the movie. Instead, we get a 25 minute establishing shot for they went to Chili's. Well, it's this place that very clearly paid for an ad in the middle of the movie, right? Because there's a whole big establishing shot of like everybody loves this Cuban restaurant

and people might as well walk in front of the camera and be like, what are the specials? What aren't the specials? Like, genuinely, there's like a three minute panning shot slash advertisement for this restaurant in the middle of this movie. Yeah. So we, we settle in from that. We've got the two of them sitting across from each other. And this is where she, she learns about black guy nodding and thinks it's so cool. Is that, is that a lot of people nodding each other? I'm like, have so many I have all the same questions that she does in in this movie. All right. So I've worked in a place where

it's like like where it's almost all women and just a couple of guys and in those instances guys just start nodding each other like yeah, I have a penis too. So I believe this. I don't know that it's true, but I definitely buy I'm going to just start nodding at every stranger and then just like figuring out a group we're in. I was like, man boobs, both of that, but you're gonna end up in a white supremacy thing. People who are gonna return your nods are not gonna be a man boobs girl. Wind up, right? I'm gonna end up having gay sex and you're gonna end up in a white supremacist. And I'm just getting stoned and awful lot. Yeah. So, and no one's going to continue to nod at people for the reason you nod to people.

You hold. Okay. I'm moving on. No, no, white guy would drive locks. I just figured, you know. So yeah. And by the way, just to reinforce the minute by minute nature of this film, at this point in the film, Nick has to pee.

So he gets up, walks over to the bathroom and we watch as the lady, as Lindsey waits for him to come back. I thought I was kidding about it, but no. She nods at a lady and the other lady's like, no, I don't have any drugs. That was, that was the point of that moment. So, all right. And now we watch the food arrive at length. No, this movie and my aunt Kathy's Instagram account have a lot in common.

All right. So now it's time for the, I put my foot in my mouth, seeing about how she doesn't have any black friends. She doesn't know why that's bad. He's like, oh, do you have any black friends? She's like, ah, no, why would I, no. Is that the, what? You know I have a job, I work with you.

Why would I, you say mad, pay me mad. But now as bad as that is, his response is even more ridiculous. He says, that's really racist. Are you sure? Because I don't think you have any Armenian friends. You bigot.

It was a joke because she goes, oh, and he goes, no, I'm just getting with you. And she's like, do you have any white friends? And he's like, no, I have never had a white friend. That's a lot of weird. That's the whole scene made me very uncomfortable. It felt like a weird test. I don't know. You ever have a friend who's got a friend who does that thing where he pretends he wants

to fight you? Oh my God. You're a step ahead of me. Right. We're like, oh, you want to, you want a fucking fight? And you're like, oh my God, I'll absolutely not know. I'm just fucking you. And then the rest of the night you're mad at that person because that's what this scene was for racism for me. Yeah.

I was like, you don't have any black friends. And I was like, I do. I do. Well, don't worry. That was just a joke. Oh, okay. I don't. I don't have any white friends. That seems weird. Is it because the first one was a joke? I don't know how to feel. Stop doing the flinch thing. I just, I'm not, I don't know. I'm gonna play this game. I'm 30. We're up here. We're adults in a restaurant. If you touch me, I'll call you.

Show me that wrist lock. Come, show me the wrist lock again. That was cool. But not, but to be fair to this guy though, I feel like this character, she said, oh wow, no white friends, huh? Do you have any black friends? Nope, Hispanic friends, no male friends,

no female friends, no non-binary friends, no, so you know, there's also that. Also, I love how bad they are at finding the things that like a white person wouldn't know that a black person would know, right? Cause he's like, yeah, I went to an HPCU around so and so and she's like, what does HPCU mean? Just like 94 and a half percent of people would ask at this point.

Yeah, who says that? That's a whole body. No, historically black college or university. So it's not even a legitimate acronym. There's a fucking all in there. And who says that? Who wouldn't just be, they're in Maryland. He'd just be like, I went to Howard.

Just say you would have Howard. Right. That'd be fucking weird about it. That's a great university. Say you went to which she replies well We don't have any age WC use and I'm like, oh yeah You didn't have any all-white colleges Cuz take a walk with me

50 years in the past Some baddie would or yeah, exactly do you want to go to Harvard right now? Yeah. And of course, because this movie doesn't skip seconds, it's now time to watch the dessert pitch. So where we meet their racist waiter and he wants a threesome. What? Yeah, clearly, clearly.

Yeah. That is 100% and he's doing like the awkward, like physical contact of connective He wants a threesome. What? Yeah, clearly, clearly. Yeah. That's what that is. He's a threesome. And he's doing like the awkward, like physical contact of connecting three people before a threesome star. He's like touching one's arm and the other one. I get creepy. I mean, strawberry spoon across me.

Like it's really, it's really okay. No, but that brings up a great question because what he's offering him is vanilla chocolate swirl ice cream. And I would, I have to ask the Neapolitan snob on the light. Do you have to lick those one half at a time? You don't mix your flavors. It's just pretty simple. You don't mix your flavors. If you want to mix your flavors, you don't do it. It's just you there are flavors and there are non I don't want to get into this. That is so acidic of you. Separate but equal on Star Wars, like a free-election. He's a plusy man.

He's a plusy man. Or no, he's a Ferguson man, whatever it is. He's a plusy V Ferguson. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, doesn't mean pussy He's my new character. Oh, yeah, let's go get some pussy Sure, he'll make it into an ad eventually So yeah, okay, so and then also again with the stupid like oh black white guy or white lady wouldn't know this bit He's like oh, we need to get out of here. I'm starting to get theitis. And she's like, I have Tylenol.

Wait. She just, she thinks he has the inflammation. So she has Tylenol and guess he's inflamed generally anywhere. The fuck is that I mean? Yeah. So, oh, also we have to watch him tip very, very poorly here. Tips a dollar. Wow. That's not a thing your movie should reinforce. No, it really, and the way they're planning is, oh, that waiter was being an asshole. So all I'm going to give

him is a dollar. And it's just like, yeah, but still like that's still not good. You don't. Yeah. He was gross, but just, you know, in the movie tip, anyway, yeah, well, and then beyond that, also in real life, if you wait as an asshole, you still fucking tip him, right? When you're an asshole to somebody, you don't get your goddamn pay docked for it. You know, just don't be a, yeah, I mean, that's actually true of us because they touched their money back. But most people, right, right, exactly, exactly. 20% don't be an asshole. Yeah, exactly. So now we've minimum, well, not minimum.

Yeah, 25 if they offer you a if you got what I've been. Thank you. Thank you. So, okay, now we finally for the first time in this movie, Skip Minutes. So we cut to that evening where Nick is now in bed with his wife, and she wants, she wants to make sure that he goes to the grocery store tomorrow to buy food with her sister's food stamp card.

But he doesn't want to because food stamps is embarrassing. It's shameful to need help with food. You know, sadly, that's correct. I'm sure that's correct. I'm sure that's why would you reinforce it in your movie? It's the like of all the horrible things about the world. And it is just an ever suffocating horrible whole of blackness. The stigma around needing help with food, there's no better thing we do. That's the best program.

There are a lot of programs where I'm like, I don't know if we're doing it right, but the feeding people who wants them help with food, take it, take it all. If tomorrow they were like 10 times the amount of people are getting food stamps, awesome, a hundred times, awesome. 100 times. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and again, it's fine to bring this up. If you're then going to use that to like actually make a statement on how it shouldn't be stigmatized, instead it's just used as a comic. Oh, he's going to be so embarrassed. Kind of a thing. Oh.

Also, this was just such a weird fucking throwaway line. She's like, yeah, my sister can't go to the store and she's like, he's like, well, how is she doing? And his wife says, her ankle bleeds when she walks. What the fuck could be wrong with her? A wound, she's got a bullet from the bore. I guess. got a bullet from the war. I guess also we have to have the jealous wife moment where he goes, yeah, I'm training a woman at work and she's like, what do you mean?

Oh, woman. I mean, did not like literally the words I said. Yeah. That's a female. Yeah. So they have a they have a rocky relationship. Um, and then a quick eye movie transition later. And we're back to Lindsay at home on her phone for the least useful scene in this movie.

Is it really weird? Yeah. She's just talking to her friend about the last scene, T being okay. Her friends in like a laundromat or something. And the only thing that happens is her friend just keeps looking at this stranger's phone right next to her. Well, that's because that's where her lines were. I guarantee you that's where her fucking lines would be great. So it says. And why else would she? Yeah, exactly.

But but in a right completely useless scene where she's just like, yeah, also he was, we had a scene with him and now it's a scene with me. How you doing? So, and then we had to a farmer's market, which is scored as they so often are with gangster rap. Yeah, very suddenly, by the way, very suddenly, like a pop scare. There's no transition. It's just like, okay, well, I'll see you on Friday. Mother fucker, I will stab you in the, but that's not the lyrics. Yeah. So, yeah, and I'm like, oh, okay, well, I'll see you on Friday. Mother fucker, I will stab you in the... But that's not the lyrics, yeah. So, yeah, and I'm like, oh, is she here to learn black shopping? And she is. She is.

So, now it's time to let it all out, and it's time for a pop quiz about the stereotypes. I bet they do this sensitively. Yeah, so the first question is, do all black people eat chicken? Okay, okay. I honestly don't get this one. First of all, obviously no. All the blank people don't eat, like that's just crazy. But how is that negative either way?

Chicken's good. Who doesn't like chicken? But also like, you take out the vegetarians and I'm pretty sure all the white people like occasionally eat chicken. So what are we talking about? Yeah, but yeah, but this is where she says, yes, I think or whatever.

Yeah, like it's like a soapy choice. She's like, yes. I knew it all along. And he says, no, that's a stereotype. How about watermelon again? What is the light full? Why is that a bad thing? I don't understand.

I don't care much for watermelon. But yeah, so and she says no. And he's like, no, yeah, no, we actually all. But is that why you don't like black people? Because of the watermelon? That's crazy. What's so crazy he goes we do and we be tearing it up and I'm just like wait no No message are you trying to send? She's not racist enough. No movie bad movie

It was like was like black people all like soy cheese. That would be offensive. Like I would understand. That's a bad stereotype. Yeah, I told Keith he's having barbecue tonight when he comes over, but I'm actually just making a big thing of soy fondue. I think he might hit me.

I let you guys know he's fond of cheese. No, it didn't. It doesn't melt so much as it separates, but it gets exactly, it gets on a cracker. It's bad. It's real bad. It depends on the cracker, but one way or the other, it's gonna be pretty bad. Everything I eat is bad. So I should point out that at this point in the movie, Eli had already watched it.

So I started messaging him like, oh my God, I can't fucking believe this. And he's like, where are you in the movie? I said, I'm in the farmer's market. He's like, has the hay happened yet? I'm like, no, I feel like that's not going to be a, what do you mean? Kind of a moment. So I'm just going to say no. And then immediately after I unpause from that message, the hay happens. So he's like, you know, a hay and she says, what's a hay? And to be fair, I also didn't recognize the hay to which point he summons all the other black people in the world. He goes, he goes, hey, hey, and the other black people go, hey, hey, and then they begin to, they gather in a circle, the African America, the white people do not.

The whites are all terrified. And they, they all begin to dance because someone's chanted, hey, they form a soul train dance line at one point. It's the best. I'm so fucking excited to use this This is the entire rest of our weekend. Oh, this is what we're doing next time we see Ishmael We're just gonna be like hey And then we'll wake up in the hospital and beat the fuck out of us He really didn't have pillow hands as it turns out. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.

So, yeah, my message to Eli immediately after this scene was over was I can only live in a world where I've seen that now. That's disappointing. Jesus Christ. And then of course, after it's all over, she tries to do it too, but she can't because she's too white to do a, hey, yeah, we're still trying it anyway. Maybe if we moments, maybe if we dress up or something, it'll, I don't know, we'll come up and say, I have a costume. No, I know. Please don't tell people about that costume. So,

about that costume. So now we're gonna. Hey, just standing there yelling hey at all the black. He's it back. I think we're doing it. You're doing it too hard, man. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, And during this, God, Jesus, the scenes in this movie are so fucking useless. So before they can get to the cashing out portion of the movie, he runs into sister Brenda, who seems to be worried that he's dating a white girl, but no, he's not very upset that he's dating a white girl. And he's like, no, no, no, no, I would never mix the racist. And she's like, oh, okay, how come I never see you at church? We just move past that. We just move faster. Being like, no, you can't dilute the bloodline. Otherwise the seventh son of the seventh son won't grow up to be a wizard. Well, okay. So yeah, this movie for a long time, for the entire first two acts, will have like people mistaking them for being dating

and making like, oh, white people and black people shouldn't date kind of comments and everything. That would kind of make sense if this movie was about these two people falling in love. But it's not. But it's not. Like the net, there is never a moment in this movie where they're like, Oh, by the way,

it is okay for white and black people to date each other though. Like we seem to have been making the opposite argument throughout this movie, but that is okay. They are less progressive on this than Ken fucking ham. Yep. Yep. And it's weird because we watched this the week of the loving thing. So I was also like seeing all the Facebook posts about like 50 at the anniversary and then I turned that off and would watch this movie where it characters like, Hey, are you dating her? No, no, I wouldn't.

Don't be crazy. That. Yeah. Also, by the way, um, sister Brent, the, you, the haze get planned apparently. Sister Brenda's mad. She missed the hay and the plan to do a hay at church next week. Yeah. That sounds like a fun thing. It really white people need it. White people need a version of this. I feel like we need a white version of the hay. Can we not? No. Like stand your ground. How's it going? How's it going? Is there an inappropriate time to start a hey? Because it seemed compulsory. So if there were like a funeral, could you be like, hey,

Hannibal, they really Brian, hey, hey, this is embarrassing, hey, your eulogy was beautiful, but this is sort of right in the middle of it now, hey, hey, hey, do they get confused if they're listening to what's going on? I said, there's a wake up in the morning and a say. And they're trying to dance, but then she sings. You get plenty of non-blans, that's for sure. Four non-blans, it's a name of that band. So, yes, no one's called WhatsApp. I know it's called WhatsApp. I know it's called what's up. I know it's not.

Call it before. Don't need to tweet at me. I know what that's like. I'm thinking to tweet at you anyway. So now it's time for his poor people card isn't working. Seem gross. It's so again, because they don't ever address the fact that stigmatizing people on food stamps is a bad thing. They just make, play it as a like, oh, it's so embarrassing poor black guy. Yeah, that's what I meant by gross to be clear, not the happy to use. Yeah. You know, my money, you can have all my taxes for food. I'm GG all of it. Take it off. Road school

and food. I also love it. Like this movie is postulating apparently that white people don't know what an eBT card is. Yeah, wait. Hey, fuck. More white people on food stamps than black people. But also she literally hasn't heard of it. Right. She thinks it's just a different brand of credit card. Despite the fact that the cashier seconds ago turned to his boss and says, yeah, his food stamp card isn't working. She's like, what is that? He's like, it's a food stamp. Where were you? He's white. You speak their language, don't you? So now it's time to go see. It's time to go see pro, it's time to go see Professor black, the man who teaches blackness to white people at a college.

I got it out. Yo, I was like, I wrote that line out, that intro line and I'm like, there's no way I'm going to make myself say that. And I did. Been worried about it all night. Quick question. What is Professor black who teaches it white people about black people? What is he doing when we first see him?

He's tapped in a little soft shoe. He's actually happening. Yep. And so then he introduces her and he goes to shake her hand, but black people style and she doesn't know how to do it. And there's video game noises involved in those apparently, and she's not know how to do it. And there's video game noises involved in those apparently, and she's not allowed to make them. She's, he's like, and she's like, she's imitating it. And he's like, Hey, hey, not for you. And she's like, Oh, what was me? Kaka, Kaka, Kaka, like, do I have to go bra? Most of this movie is just this white lady cop being what she sees and a black I'd be like stop.

You can't do it. Also, there was also a white guy watching the movie saying the same thing most of the time. Yeah. What is that camera thing with the noise? Like white culture is so boring. We have none of this cool stuff. We need to like step it up. Yeah, right.

And now the day is done. Um, because they they pull up and he's like, it's been a good day of work. And I'm like, wow, you got paid to go to the farmer's market and tease a later scene. That was it. Huh. And I love at this point she says to him. She goes, yeah, you know, I had no idea how uncultured I was. That's not what uncultured me at all.

No one in this movie has culture except in the sense that they have bacteria growing on them. I, uh, she's going to run into the Christian bookstore for a baby gift and explain to me this scene. She's like, oh, yes, she knows having a baby. I'm going to get her a baby gift. And he's like, oh, that's a white thing. To have Americans not give baby gifts?

I feel like they do. I don't, I mean, you know, he knows better than me. He's black, I guess. I don't, yeah. But then he decides what the hell. I'll get a gift for her too. Just take my credit card. It's in the glove box and you can buy gifts for both from both of us.

But she accidentally grabs the EBT guard. Oh no. Honestly, wouldn't be surprised if EBT is good at Christian bookstores. Which is gone. Wouldn't be surprised at all. So one time I'm not okay with it being used. That's right. Yeah. And this is where we're going to meet bunquees shop. That's the cashier. And I feel like in this movie, I have to point out that's a white person. I just don't feel like I have to mention that. But yes, bun Kui Sha is like hanging out with an improv comic who is desperately trying to impress you, aka hanging out with an improv comic right here. Careful right here on the line can still hear you.

You could. You meet me and then do that. To be fair, Eli's bone, Quisha characters way funnier than this one. I put the French nails on. It's a whole lot of. So yeah, so bun, Quisha's thing is that she talks too much and it's just hilarious. Like, obviously we would need seven minutes of screen time for her, right? And bunquisha, like all white characters in this movie save one, is also very much into

mixed babies and miscegenation. Is it racist to be pro mixed baby? I think that's anti white baby, right? I think there's a like a gradient. Like if you don't want any mixed babies, it's racist. I don't think it's a gradient. I do. I'm pretty sure it's a gradient. I think that there's, if you don't want any mixed babies, that's bad. I thought you were going to talk about a color gradient. Okay. I was quite confident you were not to describe a spectrum of color with the smagictives

and I was going to be against it. Like a coffee to a birch. Yep. There it is. See, this is why I didn't run a black Gaston. And then you're allowed to be okay with it. And then you're allowed to think it's progressive and cool. And then when you are real, when you describe it as chocolatey hotness, I think it goes the other

direction, which is what Boatbobatius says. Well, Bonquysha describes the guy because she's like, I saw you with your boyfriend out. Oh, he's him chocolatey hotness. Now, I want to point out number one, no one has ever described this guy as chocolatey hotness. Like he looks like Kadima Hardison's brother that couldn't quite make it in film. And I also want to point out he wrote all these lines. Like there are multiple times when people will talk about how hot he is in this movie. Those will be the only times anyone has talked about how hot this dude is. So yeah, so she suffers through bunquisha.

Then she goes to the cash register and when you know it, bunquisha is there. And she uses the EBT card, which doesn't work, which she knew, right? From before when it wouldn't work, but that doesn't stop her from going off on bun quesia in a way that I find impossibly disturbing. Oh, you see, because she's learned to be African American and that means God, is that what they were going for here? She was absolutely told to act like an angry black, steady stereotype. She has learned to be an angry black woman.

Very upsetting. And she can't even do it. Oh, and that's what those gesticulations were about. Yeah, she's doing the snap thing, but she's doing it rush. She's like poking herself in the eye. It's very, the whole thing is very upsetting and not fun. Yeah. Yeah.

My notes are, I would like to die. I don't want to be in a world with this movie. I would like to die. I don't want to be in a world with this movie. I would like to die. Oh, my notes were all like I cannot figure out what the hell is supposed to be happening in this scene. And I was so glad that I wasn't able to because then I had an extra 24 hours where I didn't know that. Oh, that's great. I missed those. I feel like this was a test for the white lady actress that she failed miserably. They're like, I'd act like an angry back. missed those. I feel like this was a test for the white lady actress that she failed miserably. They're like, all right, act like an angry back. Blacklist. She's like, um, snap that. Wow. That was way too eager. Cut. We were just testing Jesus. And she turned, they were like, cut. And she turns around. She's like,

good, huh? And they're like, so that's it. That's a wrap for today. Everybody go. Right? What? Guys? Guys, the lights are all shutting off in the set of anger. Guys. So. So. Speaking of which, so now Nick shows up and drags her away from the register, pays for the stuff and drags her away from the register.

He says, what's wrong with you? To which he responds. Forgloved. Oh my fucking life. I forgot. And in the way that I just said it, not just just like that, not just, you know, thug life just like how many stereotypes can we shove into this movie? She just like rolls outside in a shopping cart with hydraulics.

Am I black? Is this black culture? God damn it. Oh, so offensive. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus, I was just, I was embarrassed for like at this point for the people listening to

us having watched this. I was embarrassed for my family six generations back at this point. And this is where she meets his wife, you know, and they have the whole like conversation about like, why the hell did you do that? To which she replies, I should have called the police. And they explain that African Americans don't call the police. But okay, first of all, what would she be calling the police about? I don't. It's the fact that her credit card was declined. Slow lane and the register. But also I love it.

At this point, she says, well, what would you have done? He said, well, I'm black. So I wouldn't have said anything. Right. I got shot. And I'm like, oh, that must be why I've never seen black women loudly complaining to cash years. So often, it's a cliche. It's a funny because the police are scary and and murdered African American young men. Oh, I get it.

That's where the humor comes from. The humor comes from the broken windows policing in the cycle of crime and abuse. So, yeah, no, it's hilarious when you explain it like that. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, stop resisting. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey And we notice in this scene that this child has a mole on the side of his head. That is so clearly cancerous. He has, it's, it's, it's, it's, oh, honey, here, have some black salve, just like spreading on it. Yeah, no, what? Honestly, I was expecting it any minute for this thing to explain to Arnold Schwarzenegger

how to put air on Mars. Technically, this kid is mixed race because of this. It's like half his body. Yeah. So he's being all sassy and bitchy and everything. And he wanders off and and Nique and his wife are like, you need to beat that child. You need to hit your child. No time outs. You got to hit him.

Physically abuse him said the good guy in this movie to be clear. Don't have. Yeah. Kids. No. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Because all you're teaching them is violence and they don't. It doesn't get at your kids. No matter how mad you are. If you are really mad at your kid, you should reconsider why you're so mad at a child. It's about you. Because they're a child. It's on you. It's a pussy that's been on you.

Literally no matter what, it's always about you. Like I found a line where I wanna edit. Well, what if there's no way that sentence. There's no if. There's no if. Nope, no, no, no, no, defense, maybe to be fair though, to be fair though, I'm guessing that mole is way better than a goalie mask in terms of taking a hit. He'd be fine and he's the fucking worst. So if you were going to hit a kid, it would be this one, but don't just don't know them.

Right. He's got a bouncy castle on his face, but don't we just with the message of the film about the child hitting. So we just like disarm you whatever you did all of a sudden the moles holding your belt fuck what happened. So now we use the next consecutive eye movie scene transfer and Nika and his wife are chilling on the couch and the wife is all jealous of Lindsey. Yep. And and she asked the classic woman trap of, do you think she's cute?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no women are cute. They're all, they're all weird. There's no better use of my set of skills, namely making fun of people than when my wife asks if other women are cute. I go into roast mode until she's mad at me for saying mean stuff about her friends. That's what I'm doing. No women. There's no attractive women anymore. Just my wife. I said, just no, yeah, it's always, it's always just like, yeah, I don't get it. You know, like, it'll be, it'll be like the drop dead gorgeous supermodel on TV.

She's like, I don't see what's so attractive about. Yeah, no, neither do I. I don't understand at all why everybody wants to. It's too big. They're too big is what it is. I don't know. It seems distracting. Like, all over the place, just say, how many boobs do you need?

I prefer one. If I had my choice, I don't even like them. And then we, okay, so now they flip channels a little bit. They argue about whether he's going to go to church again. And then we move on to Lindsay's place where she's dealing with her punk ass kids some more. Right. And he doesn't want to do Bible study because he's a bad child and not because Bible studies boring. Well, not to be fair. This is way worse than smack in him. Like if you gave me a choice, yeah, you can Bible study with this irritating lady or you can get smacked. I really smacked. But yeah, but he goes off on her about how

like, you know, he doesn't have to listen to her Bible bullshit. He's 13 now. He's a man. And I'm like, well, you're 13 anyway. Your permits, huh? So, uh, yeah, wait, that doesn't, you're Christian. That doesn't count. Um, so yeah, but he wants to go play video games and she won't let him. So he storms off to go play video games. And she says, God help me. How do I deal with him? And I'm thinking to myself, well, the book you were literally just reading says, beat him

with a rod. Yeah, it does. Check out Proverbs. He had something about that. Stick there. I just wanted like God to come down and just be like, Lindsay, slap the shit out of your key. If you put this open a sock, it won't even leave a bruise I'm told. That's why I invented socks, socks, socks. And since waiting for this film to present a logical break between ex would require utopian levels and naivety, I suppose we'll take a break there.

But first, let me give act the last 40 minutes of the hard sell. Well, the denu model of this movie be a successfully abusing a child. Can it actually get worse than the hey? How will this movie later correlate nerf guns and sex? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the impossibly awkward for three white guys to describe conclusion of love different. I really want that fucking kid to get beat up like private pile. I really want that.

I want everything that happens to private pile to happen. You Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I go on. I am a balding fat guy. So proud. Sure. I've got hair on the sides of my head, but it's the hair on the top of my head that we all recognize is slowly leaving my body, which is why I ask my fellow balding men in denial listening to this podcast now in Solidarity. listening to this podcast now in Solidarity. It's time to shave our heads. It's time to shave your heads. When you shave your head, you look like a bouncer, or maybe a super cool biker guy. Right?

And when you don't, like me, you look like your hairline is fleeing a diaspora. It's true. Which is why I'm asking my fellow bald men in denial to join me in signing up for dollarshaveclub.com. You get a great shave at a great price for just a couple bucks a month. For a limited time only, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their doctor carver's shave butter for only $5 with free shipping. After that,

raises are just a few bucks a month. That's a $15 value for only $5. And also, after that, people won't look at the top of your head and go, wow, that guy has a lot of stress. In your first month's box, you get an awesome weighty handle, a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of shave butter, which again you can use to shave your head so people won't guess your tan or 15 years older than you are. After your first month replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. There are no hidden fees and no commitments. Can't fill any time you like. Just in case you ever want to go back to looking like a mad scientist in a kids movie. You really do look like that.

You can only get this offer exclusively at DollarShaveClub.com slash Godawful. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash Godawful. Because my fellow balding men, it's time to end the charade and the lies and shave our heads. So proud of you buddy. Thank you. So proud of you, buddy. Thank you. So proud. Thank you. You know, baldings a sign of

a reality. No, yep. That's true. No, it's not. Citation not needed. That'll be 1584. All right, here you go. It's not working. Oh, um, I'll try it out.

Wait a second. Hey, Larry, what? This EBT card isn't working. The what? Just don't. EBT, you know, food stamps, the highly stigmatized relief program. All right, can I just, do you mean the one where 45% of its recipients are children?

Yeah, yeah, and nine percent of its recipients are the elderly. That one, that's stigmatized for a girl. And a card won't work? No, no, which is embarrassing because people think nobody should ever need help getting food. Why would people think that? No idea, man, nation-attemporary embarrassed millionaires. This is weird.

I can literally think of nothing that I'd more happily give tax money to than food for poor people who need it, right? Right? Totally. Weird. I'm ashamed of our military budget. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, they were in some other movie with heroes in it.

In this movie, we're gonna meet back up with Lindsey getting ready for black people class. But before she gets there, of course, we have to see Professor Black and Nick hanging out. What are they doing this time when we see them, Eli? They're talking about basketball. With a basketball. We have a basketball with a basketball because Because black people just have one he crossed a guy up. He broke his ankles. It's actually pretty cool story

He's he's about to go play basketball, which actually makes this scene a little bit better But I was really worried that they were just like oh, then this basketball. Yeah, no, I bring it with me wherever I go Yeah, that's certainly okay. I have one in my car right now. Whatever. That's true. So, all right. So now she shows up ready to black it right up, but she's not allowed to make the black

noises. Yeah, the video game noises with the handshake. She tries. Still no. Still no. And so here's what's going to happen. She's going to learn apparently the entire subject of black people and all of African American studies in this 90 minute. Yeah. That's like, I'm glad if white people are making an effort to learn like black culture,

it feels reductionist though. It's like defensive driving is more complex than African American culture. Right. Right. It's going to get a massive degree. You still have to watch blood on the road, though, that thing about moving over from a construction site, you watch the same video, both classes. I don't know why. So now it's it's time for black people class, which starts with Professor Black saying, good afternoon, white people. I thought they're all about to yell back. Good afternoon, Mr. Black person. They don't. His name is Mr. Black. Yeah, no, it is. Yeah. So he starts off his

class with what they thought was making a good point. And they are making a good point, but they're doing it in such a stupid fucking way. He holds up a picture, just some random black guy. And he goes, who is this black person? And everybody's like, oh, that's LeBron. Oh, that's Tyler Perry. Oh, that's all the black. That's Barack Obama.

They don't know because he's black. But it's not really fair. Yeah. Like if you ask who's the guy in the picture, people aren't going to say random black guy. Right. That would have been a bad, the guy was like, I don't know, just some black guy. That's a bad answer. Right. But that would be correct in this instance. Yeah. Now, if he had been holding up a picture of himself in a suit, that would have been fucking hilarious. That would have been funny. Why did they

do that? Because they're not funny because they don't know how humor works. I'm going to be ready if I ever get this question I'm just gonna be like the suspect in every APB on every cop bad boys bad boys So here's our crazy billionaire remake of this movie same movie same lines reverse the races Oh same movie, same lines reverse the racist. Oh, Jesus. It's about a young black woman, coastal, all white neighborhood to work it on, all white consulting firm and she needs

a lawyer and act white. We need to shut down Patreon. Do not give us billionaire money. I do not want to be a billionaire in the whole world. If I know anything, it's that Patreon would never allow to take it. Oh, it's true. It gets to the point where I actually have to tell people like, uh, yeah, no, I make my living on Patreon, but I'm not racist though.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not a non big. Guys who makes this. I'm on Twitter too. And I'm not enough.

Yeah. So now it's time for him to teach them about African American culture, which literally takes the form of dance class dancing. We are bad at dancing. That's true. We are bad at dancing. But so is this actor. Why not find a master not a good dancer? Right. If he was a good dancer, I'd be like, uh, I get that joke. But instead he's just like, he joins in with the like, oh, what, what, what, and he's like, see, does he do the different tone? Does he do the cabbage patch? I think he does the cabbage patch. That was a weird thing. He stirs the pot. He takes a shower just in October.

And okay. So yeah, he also teaches him not to hide their purses as black people walk by. And now it's time for the when is it okay to use the N word module of the film? He says never. And I think that's bullshit. I have it on good authority that if I get break robbed and pissed on between 4 30 and 4 49 a.m. on a Christmas Eve, I'm totally allowed to say it. Chris, Chris Rock said you can say that. Because if you don't know the Chris Rock bit, it's really that. That's actually how everybody pause and check that out.

I know. I just make that watch the fake weight commercial. Yeah, actually everybody pause and check that out. Verify. I know. We just make that watch the Shake Wake commercial. Go support our new all white cast version of love. Different. It's called different love. So yeah. And so we get this whole montage.

You teach us. In that movie, the white people start a cane. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's much catchier than stand your ground. Good job. Jesus. So that's why you like good for ideas.

So meanwhile, while they're learning this, uh, Nick is downstairs playing basketball with his buddies. Sorry, real quick. I just want to address the specific thing they learned here in dancing. Should watch me whip, watch me, Ney-Ney be a part of a 90 minute course on all of black culture. Is that appropriate?

I don't, I don't think that's appropriate. I mean, we're going to find out. A reason Conn hasn't gotten back to me about the workshop. I wanted to thank you. Jesus. Gene, get on it. Lazy. And now it's time to head downstairs and play basketball with Nick and his buddies, who

by the way, seem to know how basketball works. Oh my God. This is the best sporting in any movie we've done by an enormous margin. Yeah. I mean, they're playing a game of two on one on one. Yes, but I'm going to let that go. You can actually play like 21. That's a game.

No, right. Regardless, all of these people have played in a game of basketball. It's very impressive compared to everything we've seen. Although it's funny because like Nick again, is the guy who wrote, directed and started the movie and the other two guys are way fucking better at basketball than him. So like they're dunking and shit. And then he took like the 406 shots

to get the three pointer there. Yeah. You could just see that everybody else is just like sleeping and there's cobwebs on shit. Yeah, but he got it. He totally nailed it. It did go off frame for a second. It did.

It did. So now, of course, his friends are concerned about his delayed procreation, right? Because men are talking in a Christian movie. Yep. There's all it takes. When are you going to have kids? Yeah. How strong is your seed? Well, right. It's either that or how are your kids, right? Like it's one or the other. So now we go back to black class for a video on the differences between whites and blacks. Now before we describe this video, I want to point out to you this. This is a 14 second mildly funny joke at, you know, whatever improv night or something.

And it is in the mind of this movie worthy of 26 minutes of setup. This goes on for same show they did earlier. Yeah, it is. It is right. In the black in the, do you know, black people quiz thing? So it's like, this is the difference between how white people and black people react to a black man running down the street. Now, you already know how this goes. So I'm not going to bother to fucking describe it to you for 21 minutes. But now we're going to meet Todd and what this movie wants us to believe is that Todd is a quote unquote real racist and a real racist quote unquote is one who actively hates black people. Yeah.

Because that's the only way to be racist is to be like, I don't like black people. Black people bad white people good. Yeah. And okay. As as as silly as the fact that this class exists in this universe is, we find out it's even dumber than that because apparently Todd was court ordered to go to this class for being right. I order you to three classes of black learning.

You have to be a black guy's butler. I hope that happens to Todd. So he did that to Brett Weinstein, not a lot of people talking about it. I think that will be too. Oh, Tucker Carlson can start it. Please, no one give us money ever again. I just, please, it's, I, I'm not embarrassed using the BT card, guys. I've already made that clear.

So, yeah, so this guy's being all racist. So she walks off and he grabs her as she does. And just then, Nick shows up with his too much larger friends and violence him They're gonna get the shit out of him Why would you send this message? I can't Why would you have your black characters instantly be like I think we need to torture this man That's exactly how it plays out to they're like like, Oh, good. I just have beat up on a white

person. That's, uh, yeah. And also he says that this one at this point, Nick, as the, as his buddies are like holding Todd back and intimidating, he, he, he turns to the guy, Nick. And he says, Hey, man, you never put your hands on a female. Like, man, sex with this guy is weird. Weird. I feel like I know what the wife's so pissed about now. To be fair, though, this is the only message of this movie I agree with, which is the hitting is wrong. Yeah, right. Unless it's a kid, if it's a girl kid, it's okay. Right. Is it a female shot?

Like at what age do you get to start hitting them or stop hitting them? Yeah, exactly. Like if she gets her period while you're on the downswing or you a bad guy. Yes. Yes. Yeah. You are too fast. Too fast. Let's build a little little space in there for our friend Heath. Well, play Morgan to the second delay so that he wasn't just boom right there ready with it. No, no jeopardy winning answers for he to that question. Please. So was the answer not obviously yes.

I was like when she starts her period and you were like, yes. So I want us all to have some breathing room. I feel like let's all remember all of the context of the question, not just what Eli said just now. I mean, after the edit, who knows if there'll be a context at all, you never know. Context. It's not editable. Context. No, no.

Context. So now they cope for a smoothie. Again, we get a 12 minute establishing if you cut the establishing shots to normal human size, this movie is 28 minutes long. But instead, we get a smoothie ad in the middle of it. And he's, he loves some smoothie. And he cheers a rub about the whole vicious racist attacking or thing. He's like, oh, look, there have always been racists, okay? Like, for example, this movie, I mean, it's a subtler for a racist. It's a dog just presented us. But yeah, I mean, it would be a disaster if white women were the victims of racism as much as black women. I mean, that's not wrong.

Hold on. I'm saying, I'm saying white women like can't even, if they're lattes, they're wrong. Temperature, racism is terrible either way. Contest would be everybody's for white women. Thank you, Heath. He's filled in a nice. I'm saying they're all they're a weaker stock. The white women is the way it was that that awesome fuck that's not a bad. I'm trying to make a compliment. I'm saying black women are awesome.

Black women are awesome. You're better dancers is what we're saying you guys are being weird. Oh speaking of better dancers. Yeah. He says to her at one point, he's like, hey, what did you learn in your class? And she starts to move her hands in a clockwise motion, like a black person. And he's like, yeah, no, that's pretty good. That's pretty much all there is to it. Jesus. And then she gets, oh, and then we get the relationship issues conversation.

Just when you thought this conversation couldn't get any more interesting. Oh wow, is that not a smooth transition? She's literally like, yeah, can't we to meet my friend? And he's like, yep, my wife, I hope she's not mad at me. She's always mad at me. Let's talk about that now. I'm in a great, amazing writer. Great. Good. Good. Good. Good. I'm not supposed to read that. That's a stage direction that I'm a great writer. You're not supposed to anyway. Yeah. So yeah, they start talking about relationship issues, which is where I realized, oh my fucking god, this entire movie was built around this. I know this is long, but it's important Facebook post of advice that she's about to give. Yeah.

Write that whole like where he's like, well, she's my number one and she's like, well, there's your problem right there. This is the stupidest thing ever. Yeah, the problem is all those other numbers in there. But, he's one, that's the point she's making. So like, reenact this with me. Got it, got it.

Okay, but she's my number one. Oh, see, that's your problem. So what comes after one? Two and what comes after two? Three and what comes after three? Okay. Another would be math for actually actually he says six right there. I just want to point that out that is actually after his six. No, no, he goes, yeah, no, he goes, he goes what?

There's always six. There's more. Yeah, just make your point, but he does pretend that six comes after three. So what is she saying? Like like he needs to call his wife Like not my number one instead my infinite set of positive real numbers Baby you are all X such that X is greater than zero as a set What the fuck is this me my wife with love it if I said that? You are uncountably infinite in your scope you could not line you up next to another set of the positive

Entagers they wouldn't even you couldn't even do it One is uncountably infinite Math love you. It's the inside of Lucinda's wedding ring. Yeah. It's a formula. I've just got it written out in it. What's happening?

So yeah, sigma of my love. So she tells him all this and then he leaves because it's fucking awkward. So, as he's leaving, though her friend that's been on the phone with her here and there in the movie shows up and just wraps her vagina around this dude's head. And again, this is this guy writing this line, right? So, you know, she walks in, she's like, I got a fuck this guy. And I'm like, no, nobody's ever said that about any guy really, but nice, especially this guy. Well, nobody comes up to me and is like, I love pale recessive vanilla. I feel like the black guy, like they're better than us. That's true. So yeah. So her friend

shows up now. Keep. Okay. I again, just to emphasize how useless the scenes in this movie are. Her friend now shows up, sits down with her. She's like, would you like to go somewhere else for something to eat? And they do. That's the end of this scene. The end end of that friend forever. Yep. We won't. Yeah. Exactly. Never show the two meet again. So okay. Yep, we will. Yeah, he's never shall do me again. So, okay. Meanwhile, Nick's wife comes home and he has left her a nerf gun and a note. Oh, he gets me. But you gotta use a real gun for Russian roulette night. Otherwise, it's not exciting. Fingers crossed.

And this one has really hoping she would walk into the bedroom naked. And he's like, in a fort, taking the gun fight so seriously. She like swings down from the ceiling, like Leon, the professional. He's got like a gas powered mod nerf gun. Ow, ow, giant welds forming. Should have wore some armor, girl. There was a battle ax way too hard. Yeah, but instead it's even more uncomfortable than that would be to watch. Actually, I'd quite like to watch that. That would be awesome.

Yeah, exactly. That'd be hilarious. But instead he has tied little pieces of paper to the ceiling with strings. And in his best British accent tells her that she has to knock down more of the targets than him. Or he gets to fucker or something like that. Or they have to wear what's in the bag. Yeah. And so she tries to shoot him and she can't hit any of the targets and then

he pulls out as much bigger and her gun and shoots out all the targets. Black guys are created shooting. This movie. Yes. But yeah. So and then and then he turns to where he goes, oh, I missed one target. You, I've been shooting you down for a month. That's the, that was a, they think that's a metaphor? Who the fuck think knows how to look up? I can't really relate to this scene because if I did this to my wife, she would slap all the targets on on the floor and then make me wear a chicken suit I tried I tried playing slaps with my wife once while we were waiting in a restaurant

She karate shot me in the fucking throat There hasn't been a contest except you can dive first in my marriage since then I don't really I'm by a lot, by the way, just everyone knows. And home, according to all state, yeah, I got paperwork. So and now you guys are into chicken soup. Why don't we ever talk to that? Well, we talk about later.

I'm going over and chicken soup and the suits. Really? And now, Nick and a character we've never met are waiting on Lindsay. I mean, there's 20 minutes left in the movie. This is a great time to add characters that will serve no purpose and only exist in this scene, right? And it's his sister and she's going to give Lindsay her second class in this movie, the second blacking it up montage. Yeah.

Second class. It's her second class in this movie on how to be black. Yeah. Her sister is honky sitting for the afternoon. And again, the woman asked the, Candace, the sister says to her, so what have you learned so far? And she starts dancing. And the black lady's like, yep, that's's pretty black I guess you pretty much got it down.

Pretty good. And they have a learning montage where they learn how to fry plantains the wrong way. How to snap. Snap back and forth like a yeah. Our plantains a really big deal again. Like again, if you're learning African American culture, you have two days in order for two days later to like, she's going to meet a client next week, just like, I let plantains cut it a 45 degree angle. All right, sister, we got a deal.

I have corn rows before in a montage. You're great. You can advertise from a black accounting firm. Because let me tell you, there is nothing African Americans like more than a white woman with cornrows. There is nothing in them. Oh my God. This is them. Or make them happier. Right?

Am I right, black listener? Huh? I love how you didn't pluralize that. You know, you know. And of course, the snap thing. I'm sure black women white women did the snap thing. I'm sure like when white women did the snap thing, how to beat your child lessons, right? Yes. She gets how to beat the shit out of her child lessons. That is literal. A large portion of it. Yes, they're practicing

with a pillow. They have a pillow and she's not hitting it with the belt hard enough. So Candace corrects her and shows her how to physically abuse her child in such a way as to leave wealth with a weapon. How to hit your child in the weapon. Yes. Sometimes you need a weapon to hurt your child. This movie always reduced me to all caps. So many fucking times. And also, by the way, that ends with the, you know, humor bit where she gets carried away and takes it too far on the pillow, which is funny as long as you ignore the fact that they're thinking of a child when they're doing this.

Yeah, as long as it's part of black culture to violently fluff pillows with a belt. You can find them. Otherwise, they're beating the shit out of a kid in a montage. Yeah. So after that montage, Nete back. And she wants, uh, naked as wife to come to church with her so we can have more.

I don't go to church because I'm Satan stuff. Right. And yes, him if he misses God and he's like, I don't know, I might have a big revelation at the end about that. Right now the answer rhymes with bless. I was sure he was going to just be like, cancer mom, I hate you. I just like running inside, right into Kevin Sorbos knowing embrace. It's not your fault. We're atheists. We hate God. Yeah, but we do learn that he used to be super religious, but now he's not so much. And then we also learn that she's going to cook food for all of the black co-workers tomorrow. But she doesn't know how to cook black enough apparently.

Yeah, she made she makes green bean casserole, but they didn't like it. The next scene they They didn't like her green bean casserole. Funny humor with laughing. And how come white people clap at the end of movies? Okay. We have that conversation. Yeah. All right.

I have been to several Christian movies now in the theater with other people who are not of my race. And I am not the one who stands up at the end and claps. I just want to say no that's he thing he's doing it ironically I'm sorry are we talking about racially stereotypical movie interruptions are we done now that's the only thing you guys can think of huh then there okay and now sassy sun comes in oh tell him to keep it down okay this, this was so intense. This scene was so intense because this whole movie led up to you have to hit your child. You have to hit your child.

You can't just talk to them. You can't put them in time out. You have to hit them. You have to hit them. So this was the big day new mall, right? Right. Where she was going to hit the kid. And I was really not okay with it.

I was really, really not okay with it. Oh my god. Yeah, so she show, you know, the kids being a dick to everybody and she's like, go to your room. I'm changing the Wi-Fi password, which I'm like, okay, yeah, no, that's a very reasonable punishment

for a 13 year old. Make them stay in their room. Don't give them any internet for a second. But all of her black guests are like, no, no, no, no, no, your son needs discipline and by that we mean bruises. Right, so with, she calls them by that we mean bruises. Right. So she calls them back out and she just yells at him.

She doesn't hit him. With again, I can't emphasize enough. I'm very happy about that. Like that wasn't the message of this movie. But it really felt like they were gonna, right? Well, I mean, even down to the point where as she's yelling at them, the three black people that she works with are in the, in the couch, you know, like making hitting emotions and

cheering her on and everything, I'm pretty sure that there was a smack or something that got cut from the film because like their lawyer said, guys, you are literally endorsing violence against children in this movie. You can't, you can't show it. I'm certain that there was a scene. It's the only thing that got caught from this movie. I'm certain there was a scene though where she hit the cat. Kids outside of this face on the curb.

No, cut. Cut. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is happening? What is wrong with you people? What do you mean you people? What do you mean you people? What if it's a Nazi child, huh? Let's fight about that forever. Who wants to fight about that forever, huh? Yeah, so as we're everyone's health insurance, let's fight about that. Yes

So as we're sitting there Just overcome with with relief that the actual denim all was not her hitting the kid. The movie remembers that pastor character they introduced us to an act one apparently. So now we're at a boardroom with him and the whole team. Okay. Now this is so fucking wonderful. This entire movie is about this white woman learning to be black to impress this employer. And this scene is where the pastor is like, yes, so we have some chicklets and some cat food and

we're going to buy and we're going to get some t-shirts. And then the black character who the movie has not been focused on at all is like, fuck you, you motherfucking piece of shit. Are we sure that this was the end of the movie we had watched up to this point? What is? None of this scene or the end of the movie is about how black she is or how aware of black. It's about whether or not this man will stop screaming at their plant because he interrupted his childhood rap song about Jesus. All right, yeah. So this is how this all starts out.

She's asking, I mean, why do you think that fewer people are coming to your church? And he's like, well, kids today aren't respectful enough. And I'm writing like, you sure? Nothing to do with you being an antiquated regressive institution known in the modern day, only for demeaning LGBT people and fucking children, nothing to do with that. I'm so pleased that you think that's the only problem. But at this point, Nick cuts in and he's like, well, maybe you're just not doing a good enough job as a pastor to which the boss, the hallucinating boss who hallucinations we've completely

forgotten about at this point is like, hey man, you wanna go get some water? Not to be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here.

To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here.

To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here. To be here professional business meeting. This is totally horrible. I made up in Jesus wrap and you said I was dumb and I fucking hate you and I hope you get your fire. This is the end of this movie.

It really is. I mean, first of all, Nicholas Cage would be embarrassed by this overacting. And then Nicholas, where we do the remake, Nicholas Cage can play Nick's part in the kitchen, the black girl out of the white with Nicholas Cage. People come on. Oh, I know. I know what he would do.

He would do it. patron.com forward slash God off a week and make this. So and this is also where we get the title drop because the pastor's like, I'm sorry, Com forward slash God off a week and make this And this is also where we got the title drop because the pastor's like I'm sorry little unique I didn't mean to turn off your rap and make you hate God for 20 years over this incredibly trivial thing that most people would have been over with Over like two days He says I loved you the same as everyone else and to which Nick says well love different Title is movie

Yeah, what's the background? Um our adverbs not part of black I don't know what they are that's weird. Um, yeah, it Is this what this movie was about? I feel like this isn't what this movie was about. Yeah, you didn't love me correctly and now I, a grown man, I'm yelling at you about it. And then of course, this is where he realizes that he does miss God. And then everyone hugs it out. Yep.

That's it. That's like we've been building to that this whole movie apparently. Surprise ending, right? I mean, maybe that's it. That's like we've been building to that. This whole movie apparently surprise ending, right? I mean, maybe that's it. He just knew that good movies had surprise endings. He's like, well, no, he's gonna see this shit coming. It's true. It's true. To be fair, if Steven Seagull had kicked through the window and snapped the boss's neck and been like the terrorist threat is neutralized, I also would have been surprised. One of What a much better ending. All right, so now we cut to seven months later for a quick wrap up.

Everyone is wearing a shirt with the move his name on it. They're like, Hey, guys, we're going to make the shirts one way or the other, but we're going to get some use out of them. Okay. Right. And they're they're celebrating all the success that this pastor's now had with his youth outreach mentoring program. He says, and I quote, we've already signed up seven kids. This is seven months later. That's a massive failure. There's five people working on this. I think I gather seven people in the course of this recording.

Is you right? Holy shit. Yeah, obviously didn't use the hay. Idiot. Should I use the hay? I love this light too, because he goes, the pastor says, we just need to keep finding out what these kids need so we can properly love on them. And I just want to point out, I don't feel like on is appropriate there? Like a Freudian rewrite, if you ask me right there. Yep. And then they all like, they all tink their plastic wine glasses. And then Lindsay starts, hey, and it works this time because she's black enough now, but she immediately loses the rhythm. Yeah, hey, just like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Damn it if they were gonna film anything that wasn't making it into the final Movie oh's reparations

Self it's very weird. It's a whole circle And so as I was just saying I find it hard to believe that there was a single second that they filmed that didn't make it into the final cut of this movie. But for the purposes of the outro, I want to pretend that there was. And to wrap things up, I want to ask for your predictions for which cut was deemed too stereotypical for one of Lindsay's learning to black montages. Oh, um, a vaginal orgasm. Don't cut your ass. Maybe a drive by shooting drive by shooting. She keeps, she keeps holding the gun straight up and he's like to the side. They cut it because every time the black actor held the gun,

he got shot by a cop and so that he had to cut it. Oh God, I literally would not have been super surprised if right after the corn row scene, if they had shown him in the sister, like driving around shooting targets out of this side of the car, I would not have been surprised. Yeah. And well, that's going to do it for our review of love, different thank God. That's not going to do it for the episode yet, because I feel like we need to end on the promise of a way less racist movie next week. So Eli, tell us, assuming all the podcast aggregators don't drop us over this episode, what's on deck? Well, I can't promise you less racism.

We've got six. The mark unleashed. David A. R. White, Stephen Baldwin, post-apocalyptic torture porn. I mean, okay, so all you have to know, I feel like other than the cast is that the name of this movie is six the mark unleashed. What kind of bullshit sentence structure is that? Those words are not in the right order. Six comma, the mark, comma, it's a semi colon. Hey, explanation.

Unleashed. Hey, clap. Is this the one we got from Jay? Is this the demon? No, no, no, no, no, no, we've got some real saving that. Yeah. Okay. We're saving. Oh, right. That was Chuck Norris. Not bald. Yeah. And his son. That's bells of innocence. But you got to, you get, yeah, we're teasing. We're doing a long tease for you on that one. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 96 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, or an early access to an ad free version of every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving us five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a theus, the skeptic rat and citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcast live. Except citation needed is an unstiturant. It's a whole thing. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies

at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P N retours our theme song was written and performed by Ryan slot and a convalued drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right knee-leibos. Nick, I'm no illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. My white culture workshop for black people is not going well. Since watching this movie, Eli has been forcibly ejected from at least six farmers markets.

Hey, hey. We are not ending the show on episode 100. That is a funny joke I tell for your music stop messaging us and or us No, they don't message you messaging you the show will continue. It is humor also. I am not dying My estimate for health insurance and life insurance was higher than expected I am a little on the chubby side my depression is relatively well controlled

my 30th birthday will pass and I will remain on this plane Keith's girlfriend is of age and is a vade no was perfectly reasonable at that Dublin airport. Nope, right? No. Everything except for the last one. And the gender pay gap is real fuckers. Did you like your trip on Twitter?

Jesus Christ! What the fuck? The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.