God Awful Movies - GAM Xmas Bonus: The Core

Episode Date: December 21, 2018

Every month, we record a special bonus episode for our patrons. But since this is a season marked by giving, we thought we'd share last month's bonus episode with everyone. Enjoy! And if you'd like a secular bonus every month (as well as the other 29 we've already recorded) you can get access to all of them by supporting us on [Patreon here](https://www.patreon.com/GodAwful).

Oh hello listeners, I didn't see you there. You know, here at God Awful Movies, we love to suffer for your entertainment. We love it so much that every month we record a whole extra episode for our patrons breaking down the very worst that secular cinema has to offer. And in this season of giving, we thought we'd share one of those special episodes with all our listeners so they could take a few hours off from dreading the family shit that they've got to do next week. So without further ado, please enjoy this special bonus edition of God Off A Movies where we break down one of the shittiest sci-fi films ever to be forced out of Hollywood's birth

canal. Now, if you'll excuse me, that's not a fireplace going, that's my bong. Happy Holidays! That's not a fireplace going, that's my bong. Happy holidays. Yeah, so they have to ride out the lava flows. We cut now to 16 hours later. We're supposed to believe that after having been awake now for whatever 34 hours, she just spent 16 hours like hauling ass through tubes cutting right cutting left I wanted them to still be yelling but like all tired. I'm in 16 hours It's been a while

I'm still going Not awful movie. Welcome back to the Gamcast Patreon only bonus episode where each month we sample another selection from secular cinema because Heath said he had too much time as honest hands this month and really needed to do something with it. Sharknade was shorter. Yep. I'm pure host no illusions and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is that good friend

of mine. Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you know what? Doesn't matter. What's that? Good actors.

They mean nothing. Nothing. I just watched Delroy Lindow and Hillary Swank two-time Academy Award winning Hillary Swank. Stanley fucking Tucci does not matter. It doesn't matter. Doesn't fucking matter and sitting 900 miles to my north he's speaking of not mattering is but I know why that's said. That's that's to mean I gotta take that back. My bad friend Eli Bosnick's over there. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I was doing okay and someone said it didn't matter. Oh yeah, I know.

I'm pretty unsedited. He unsedited. This is it. We watch the core. Would you like to hear what we watched? We did. Why the fuck do we do that? Yep, we watched the core. hear what we watched. We did. Why the fuck do we do that? Yep, we watched the core. It's the story of a movie about outer space that had to get changed at the last minute. The director's like, fuck, all right, adventures of Pluto Nash just came out. And that is way better than our movie about space.

We got to change it. So upside down. So they made it, yeah, they made an upside down. There we go. It's opposite. You got it. That's what they did. Yeah. The core. All right. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, well, if you love feeding all disaster slash space movies into a supercomputer, see what comes out. You will love this movie. This is genuinely every disaster and space and ship and underground movie combined, right? Like there is no moment that this movie misses.

Yeah, right. No, it's just it's a series of uninspired genre cut together, right? It's a submarine movie for a minute, and then it's a disaster movie for a minute, and then it's a space movie. And then, oh, no, it's going to be a different disaster movie for a minute. It's, yeah, you know what, Sharknade, it's about sharks. It stays on fucking point sharks right there for you. 53 minutes. Focus. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the worst thing about this fucking movie was like two hours and 15 minutes. I am convinced that the listeners, the patrons, when they go into vote, they check and see which has the longest running time is that they hate us that much. That's what it is. And it's, it's not boring the way most of our movies are, right? Like most of our movies are bad because they're bad and they're not fun to watch. And I'm checking the time because it's just watching Kirk Cameron trying to a mo, but this movie was always interesting and somehow never over.

Well, I don't, I wouldn't say, I mean, I've just compared to a Kirk Cameron movie. I was plugged in. My standards have been, I was absolutely plugged in, but for seemingly 12 hours. So yeah. Yeah, this movie went on for we were saying before the record, there were several times where I was watching this movie and I paused it to see how much was left. And I was like, huh, it's a whole movie like Sharknado is left. Yeah. Did I? Did I accidentally download like the core and the core two and the director's cut of each as directed by Peter fucking Jackson? All right, so before we get to the best worse proper, I should mention for those who don't

know that this is largely regarded as possibly the best worst science in the history of film, right? There are whole classes that are taught on how bad the science is in this movie. This science in this movie is so bad that Eli did the notes first and already there were man, these physics don't add up at all notes what I got here. And the amazing thing about the script of this movie is you can hear the script writers giving up on science, right? Early in the movie, they're like, well, you know, magnetic waves can often hot by the end of it. They're just like, now they're inside a giant diamond, but it's covered in carbon. So that's why there's air

in there. Fuck you. That's a plot point. Sorry. So excluding the science, um, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah. I'm going to go with the best worst antagonist, which is numbers that go up. Like 90% of this movie is people yelling out numbers that are going up, which we vaguely understand is bad, but we don't know why because they're just yelling now. You guys want to try it ready? So, okay, 250. 312, 712. And that's the movie. And this movie, the characters will never do anything where it's been established what they're supposed to do. Not once in the whole movie will someone be like, I've got to get to the reactor.

We just see them walking through a hallway and I'm like, I wonder where that guy is going. Well, and that's the thing. It's all these numbers with no thresholds, right? Like if they ever said and made it very clear that, wow, if this November ever gets to 14, you know, if we get to 88 miles per hour, we'll go, you know, backwards through time or something, but they never give you a threshold. It's just like, wow, that's even higher than the last one. And you seem concerned by that one. That's a good deal of knots that you're going. I don't know. Right. All right. I was going to go the whole way. Best worst preset.

Ooh. Okay, this movie is about a ship that drills through the earth and movies are a visual medium. Well, this one's a digital medium. That would have worked. But this is a thing that would look like nothing, right? As seen from outside, this would be darkness, right? But then they never really solved that problem. We're looking at nothing. We're getting the outside shots of nothing constantly all the time, all the time. All right, sort of a follow up to Noah's best worst graphics for a mainstream.

Oh, God. They, they were not ready yet. Like you see early, you play one of the early final fantasies and you're just like, ah, man, 20 years this game. They wouldn't, that's this, but with them, there are a pandemic levels of pigeon in this movie. We'll get to it. Which is like, it's the opposite of sunshine. It's just like two little graphics, too much scripts. Oh, all right. Well, tell you what, I'm getting a pedantry head. I just thinking about this movie. So we're going to give ourselves a quick break.

When we come back, we'll dive into all the warped physics of the core. Hey, fellas, fellas, fellas, fellas, fellas, come on in. Come on in, come on in. Hi, Mr. Stevenson. Please, please. Ha, ha, ha, it's called me Rick. Cool. Cool. Yeah. So you boys are writing the new disaster movie for us, huh? Yeah. Yeah. About that. We just had. Yeah. We were supposed to get a run down and we didn't what? No. you did of course you did let me check let me check let me check there it is got it right here here it is there it is right there this right here that this this just says disaster movie space movie stuff that that's all it's that's all the movie space movie stuff yep uh I'm sorry sure you can't just name guys boys uh

let me explain something to you. Okay, it is 2003. The patriotism and the fireman dick sucking is over, guys. All we got left from 9-11 is fear. We just said that the bottom 10% of our high school class over to the wrong fucking desert and everybody, I mean, fucking everybody knows it. All people want to do, sit back, watch landmarks explode, and watch the world get saved by a series of safe post 1980 stereotypes.

You think you can manage that long enough for us to forget the troubles of this country for a goddamn second. I mean, we're going to at least need two hours worth of movie. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Two hour movie. Go for it. Cool. 2003 done.

Can I lick the inside of your nose? And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off trying to say no, seriously, this is a big time movie in every possible way. Right? Like giant stone letters for who directed it, music that is just a series of never-ending codas. We might as well switch over to like a blank screen that just has the movies budget on it. Like come on. Try it as hard as we could. The movies W2. Yep. It's comfortable. You're going to be here for a while. Yeah. Yeah, so we start off, of course, looking at the core of the earth. Yeah, that's exciting. I was wondered what liquid iron and nickel looked like and orange states aren't. Yeah,

we are in. Yeah. Hey, if you're a fan orange, you're going to love this movie. Right. And this is like eventually going to be kind of the bad guy, right? Like we're going to have to fight against this. And you know, kaleidoscope aren't scary. That's what we're watching. You can't pop scare us with the evil kaleidoscope bad guy,

but they will keep trying to do that. You're out of this movie. Yeah, I mean, the music is absolutely certain. We're looking at like the earth catching fire at the beginning of Armageddon. They're like, oh, this is the earth on fire too, huh? Huh? If you told me that this movie is Armageddon's little brother,

I'd be like, oh, okay. So it just came out all the teachers are like, I liked Armageddon so much. Are you like Armageddon? I was like, nah, I'm long. I'm really long. Do you like this, Willis? I got Aaron Eckhart. Maybe you've heard of him. You haven't. I bet you recognize his face, though. Yeah, he'll see. He haven't. I bet you recognize his face though. Yeah, he'll see. He was two days. Remember two days. I mean, not yet. So right now. No. All right. So then we, we moved from the core of earth to green world day in Boston. And I wrote, like, couldn't get the rights to earth day. Is that a thing?

Anyway, okay, so we go to this dude and his watch has stopped. Apparently it's 10 o'clock 30. And his watch stopped exactly when he was looking at it, which that was convenient for the person. Yeah, right. They get like three things wrong scientifically with guy looks at his watch. But him and two other people, they're about to walk into the big meeting, right? Yeah. And he literally says before he walks in, let's go make $20 million. Yeah. He's the worst. This guy brags to

prostitutes about his sales numbers when he brought him already. Yo, my quote, yo, my quote, but then he dies. He just great. Yeah, he dies right before he makes the $20 million. Outside, people are just dropping dead left and right, we get this long pan of people dropping dead and other people screaming one after the other. And I'm the only one who thought it was the rapture and that we were watching the wrong movie. It's fine. It's okay. Yeah. I need to a certain pattern in our films. Yeah, right.

By the way, little side note, I did some googling about this movie. Apparently this caused like a major panic in the US of people who had pacemakers that were like, well, if there's ever a solar flare, I'll die. They're doctor having to be like, what? No, yeah, no, we'll get to that. We're going to get to how scientifically accurate that scene is when they reveal the killer. But first we have to cut to Aaron Eckhart, Professor of Soundwaves, give it a big lecture. Just a normal college professor with Backstreet Boys hair. Yeah, and a trombone.

Yeah, he's given a lecture about how soundwaves move differently through different types of rock, which it's almost like they're trying to tell us as an audience. Look, we get that they wouldn't be able to use radios inside the earth. It's just a vehicle, but we were telling you the science now, though. And then the government comes because they need his help, dammit. Yeah, right. A couple men in black show up. Yeah. And they're like, okay, are you Dr. Joshua Keys, the world's number one trumpet physicist? And he's like, maybe. Like, dude, you're holding a trumpet in front of a physics class.

You're like, uh, so I know you're playing your trumpet at some rocks, but we need your help. Yes, I'm security thing. We're being detained. Yeah, sure. Come on. Sure. If you want, can I bring my trumpet? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. We have one for you. We're going.

A government. This scene looks like, it looks like it'd be a fun game, though. Like we should just show up places in black suits with black overcoats and like, if you take it seriously, 100%. If no one has to play a wacky scientist who we brought with us, but otherwise we can totally get around with this. Yeah. You and me are the agents and Noah's in the background going, the kind of way to it's all so strong. We'll get people sucking dicks.

We could be feeling like that's kid napping. We'll talk to Andrew. We'll bring it up. We'll agree to it. Two votes outvoted. All right. That's what we. We'll talk to Andrew. We'll bring it up. Well, I agree to it. Two votes outvoted. All right. That's why Andrew is always. It's not kidnapping if you trick them. That's you know, like it is. I've said that to Andrew before.

He's negative Nancy about it. All right. Well, that's how we'll formulate the question, though. We'll just ask him straight up.. Is it kidnapping if you trick them? Okay. And then we, and then we kidnapped Andrew, no matter what he says. Yeah. Now that would be ironic, though. That would be fun. Okay. So they take Aaron at Cartel, Washington, DC where he meets up with his buddy, Serge, and they usher him into a warehouse full of corpses. And the banter here is a so again, the writers of this movie are trying to humanize their characters like you do at the beginning of a big bunch of people cast movie except they don't know how to do it. No, they're just like slightly too obvious, right? Like a kid who wants to do a magic trick for you

and you're not buying it. And it's just like, you know me, I am married to my work, which makes my wife my mistress, I have fuck my term papers. What? That's not my line. Right.

And the government's doing a prank on them with corpses. I feel like that's what happened. Right? They're like, for no reason, into this room full of corpses. And the guys are just like, all right, we're, I guess, we're doing science here or something. What's this room full of cuts with mounds and blankets over them?

I'm just gonna sit down on one of them. Fuck, is that a corpse on the floor? Oh, you can't. Like, what the fuck? And then like, this a general standing there, like ready to talk to them after that happened. So like, plan that. All right, so shut up, shut up, shut up.

When they come in, we're gonna let them sit on a corpse before we do it. They're gonna change the power dynamic on them. Really? The power dynamic? Yeah. What if they get too close to the kids before we do it?

Don't be that guy. They're gonna get an adult. All right, So yeah. And the general shows up. And he says like a needless to say everything from here on that we talk about is classified. So that we know it's also the room of dead people that you're now. So like, but before that, they go classified then starting the whole thing. Because also you can't talk about the guys who came and gotcha or the helicopter ride just don't give this day. We probably should have told you that earlier.

All right, so but the government is worried because all these people in Boston died and they need to know if it was a weapon. And Aaron Eckhart figures out within seconds that it must have been that all of these people had pacemakers. And of course, if your pacemaker fails, you instantly die. Yep. You get raptured in this movie in this. Yeah, exactly. The pacemaker is the only thing that keeps your heart going once you have one of those. There is no question that two guys sat in a writer's room. And one guy was like, a peacemaker is like a fake heart,

right, that they put in you. And the other guy was like, yes, because it makes faces, it makes you pace around my dad. Yeah, the word you said. Yep, we agree. My aunt's husband has one and she died. So. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So, yeah. So they're like, was this some kind of enemy terrorist pacemaker weapon?

And they're like, no, and it definitely wouldn't have been that. And they're like, okay, you can go. You're not in the movie anymore. Hold on. We're all the dead people made of limestone could be a terrorist trumpet attack. No. Okay. It's pacemakers. Not a weapon though. Okay. What? I love how dismissive the general is. He's like, not pacemaker exclusive terrorists and he's like, no, and he's like, all right, get the fuck out of here. It's like, leave

me. Do you want to go over some other stuff? Nope. Get out. Okay. Just last thing. Did you have a non-corp's room to ask us this one fucking question at all? No. In fact, based on the logic of this movie, I wheeled all of these corpses in here because this is an incredible facility. This was all set up for you. This was all powered dynamic. Now people are looking for their loved ones right now. You know, because I wanted to do this. But Aaron Eckhart is best. He's like, God damn it.

I'm first billed. I'll be damned at hell if I'm going to walk out of this movie at this point. So we cut over to Trafalgar Square for what can only be described as a pigeon pockleps. What? Yep. A bunch of pigeons are just dying and I was like a flock of old birds with pacemakers. So what? What do the people who made this movie think the pigeons are made of?

I'm free. Absolutely, because they can break windows, they can break bulletproof glass, they can fucking knock over buses. They're a pigeon A, it's pigeon singular, and knocks over a double-decker bus in the sea. Yup, there's pigeons flying everywhere. Some of them are dying.

And that part was one of my favorite visual moments because they're dying like at crazy angles. They're like, some of these job was throw these dead pigeons at walls and we're going to film the walls. And that person got way too excited. So it's going like up at weird angles and he's like doing modern art with them is crazy. But what's happening is some of them are dying like that. But some of them just became evil and started doing bad stuff to people like attacking people and beings because of magnets. It's almost like that scene in Ghostbusters where they turn off

the containment unit or whatever. Yes, absolutely. With out and also like, they're bad CG like really really bad. I had to check because I was like, do I forget like how good movie graphics were at this period? No, there were good movie graphics at this period in time. It's just like some, it was like me trying to jump into a split. Like they were just like, I bet we can do this. Yeah. Oh, my, my ball sack ripped open now. My ball sack ripped open.

And the pigeons all look like gum. Let's stay, well, Stanley, too, she do a monologue over that, but we'll keep showing it. The birds at one point, I expected them to like pick up the bus and throw it at London Eye. Knock it over. Yeah. Okay. So pigeon pock ellipses over. And then we cut back to Aaron Eckhart. He's watching news about the pigeon riot on his computer. And apparently, this isn't an isolated event. Pigeons are losing their shit all over the world. Yeah, he says they're actually violent bird swarms before multiple times. And we ignored

it. It's like, really? The first few coordinated bird attacks. And you just let that go like this was the line. Okay. Yeah. And okay, this is where they explain the science of the pigeon pockleps. So apparently because the electromagnetic field around the earth is fucked up, the pigeons don't know which way is north anymore.

And therefore they fly into the nearest building they can find. They throw a bus or they become a super villain who doesn't know where north is. They lose their moral compass. You know when your GPS, like you're out in the middle of the fuck to air and your GPS just doesn't have any idea where you are. So you kill everyone in your car. So you take on a bus. But it's okay. Aaron Eckhart's going to figure out what's going on with the brand spanking new intranet.

Oh my God. He tells the people in the room. He's like, I need you. This is, I'm not making this up to make this sound stupider than it really is. He tells these people he needs them to look up all the weird news from the last two years. Yeah.

Search the entire internet for weird stuff and get back to the lock with that. Next hour, it's just whack-a-mull porn tabs on every computer they got. Fuck. Can you imagine jerk it off to this, Mr. Eckhart? Yeah. Also, while they're at it, he needs them to 3D model

the entire world. Oh, so, yeah. It's like Siri, make me a 3D model world. Are you watching the core? Stop it. You should stop it. Thank you, Siri. I also love the part of the end here where like, after he gives all the grad students their instructions, he goes, be wrong, be wrong, because if it turns out this movie is about the Earth's core stopping, it's pretty much going to end my career. I thought I was a movie material.

He also, at one point here, asks for all those kids from non-linear diff class. He wants his physics and math students, I guess, because this will not involve linear different linear. He's like, these will be non-linear. I wanted a kid to walk in like, hi, I'm Kevin from the linear, Diffie, Q's class. Get the fuck out. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. which she does in between good movies. She always does like a, she'll do a bad movie and she

cuts her hair short. It's like how David Blaine gets real fat when he's not doing a special. Does it's great? Yeah. He gets like Italian dad fat. Check him out. So it's the fat. David Blaine's got to be adorable. It's really great. He looks like he's going to make you a pizza. really great. He looks like he's going to make you a pizza. And then like shove it through your hand. There is a ball. All right. So the space shuttle's heading back to earth. But before it can Hillary's swank and her boss, the, the, the space shuttle captain have to have an argument over which one of them gets to land the shuttle this time. Just as they figure it out, they rock pit per scissors are the way down. She's like, let me, let me land it.

And he's like, women can't land space shuttles. It's uterus. Come the fuck down. You've gone to Jericho. I wanted a bird to jump out of her coffee and crash the space shuttle. So bad. Oh, I wanted to swarm to jump out of her coffee and crash the space shuttle. So bad. Oh, I wanted a swarm to attack the shuttle, just a whole big swarm of pigeons in space. Yeah.

So hell, that pigeon. Yeah. So the, okay, but she's too young and spunky. So she doesn't get to push the button that says land. That's literally how you land the spaceship. You push the button that says land. And then later you push a button that says land. That's literally how you land the spaceship. You pushed a button that says land and then later you push a button that says wheels. But they joke around about it a little bit on the radio as they're, you know, about to re-entered the earth's atmosphere. They like to keep it loose there at NASA when they're doing that kind of stuff.

But unfortunately, there's a problem with their GPS systems. They're going to, they're, they've overshot their landing field. And now they're going to land in Los Angeles. Feel like you should have a larger margin of error than, you know, within a hundred months of Los Angeles for your land. I'll tell you, you know, E-Life, they don't. Um, they want to be able to go get it right away. I guess, right? Well, yeah, have them hang out for a while. Pack it back. Actually, one of the things this movie gets wrong is that they have Los Angeles

too far away from the shuttles landing place. It's only really 87, was the sound, 137 or something like that. So now, that's actually worse than this movie makes it out to me. Also, by the way, I've seen a few movies about space. They went through the Van Allen belt and that would have turned the entire shuttle into a tuna and everybody inside of it. So, sorry to stupid. So unrealistic. All right, so they're about to land in LA and if they don't have time to clear a freeway

and she's like, I've got an idea, it's so crazy, it just might work. And the idea is that they're going to land the space shuttle in that filthy concrete ditch that LA is so weirdly proud of. They cannot stop 1980 to 2010. LA could not have an action movie where someone didn't end up in that weird ditch. I don't know. Terminator two. I was just like, all of them. Everyone ends up in that ditch. That one and that's the list. The core and Terminator two. So we just opened this studio there. They're like ditch studios. We're going to fucking crush this. Yeah. So they have to land the space shuttle in the, in the little ditch. Nobody thinks

that they can do it, but Hillary Swank has confidence what they need is a big cushion of pigeons. The pigeons lifted up like a, like a Superman art. No, but, but they do manage to land it safely and they, they stop just in time to not kill the one guy who didn't get off the scaffolding. Right. And then we see all the firemen and the cops showing up and like, I was sure the LAPD was going to be like, sir, the black one, please step out of the space shuttle. The space shuttle. Just me, the one black ass. Yes, just you. You were looking aggressive just now.

Pit, pit, pit. Stop backing up towards me. All right. Now, but now we have to cut to the Academy of Sciences just in general. It's where Ken Ham got his degree in science. All right, so this is okay. So Aaron Eckhart is here. He's trying to meet with world famous

scientist Stanley Tucci, the rock star, Lithuario scientist who's just like fucking people and signing boobs. Yeah, it's. Yes, that guy. This is what someone who Carl Sagan was mean to. Thanks Carl Sagan was like, right? Yeah, like, clearly some guy took Carl Sagan's parking spot and he got out and he was like, millions and billions of people are smarter than you, Jack Harris. And he drove away and he was like, super rich famous scientists, but they act just like silly, dude, she's gone on my move. I'll say I never said billions and billions.

Yeah, and you said the word billions. At some point, he said billions, but he didn't say. And also and most of the billions, no, and he said billions and then he said, and then he said billions at some later point again. Yes, No, you're right. Who say? So, and we should point out because we've already mentioned Stanley to Chi, we should point out his hair piece. Okay, there is only one possible reason for this week. Stanley toucci. What's up? Stan the man.

Super excited to be on set with you. Thank you, gentlemen. Great. So a quick thing. Yes. Yeah, so the budget on this project is a little tight. A lot. A lot tight.

It's a lot tight. It's a lot tight. We needed a lot of pigeons, that we didn't have real, but anyway, we had to cut back a teensy weed see bit on, uh, on hair and makeup. Oh, I mean, how bad could that possibly? Well, okay. So, um, I'll explain. Um, so last year, uh, I went to Halloween as Beethoven, right?

And this is what I have for you. Ha ha ha. You can see the glue like you can see it. It's so fucking bad. All right, but so okay. So Aaron Eckhart shows up and he's got this folder and he's like, Hey, famous scientists read my research about the end of the world. And because these people have no idea about anything science, he's like, Oh, yeah, I know I'll read your into the world research random person who ran up on famous scientists to give him their research.

A page of math that says the world is ending. Yep. Yeah, equals end of world. So, but, but Stanley 2G as any famous scientist would when a random person runs up on them like that, invites him over to his place so they can look over his research. And Aaron Eckhart starts explaining, he's like, Hey, the core of the earth stop spinning, which means I mean, there's some pigeons and shit now, but the big disaster scenes won't be coming until late act one.

It's amazing. And I wrote in my notes as a joke because Aaron Eckhart leaves, he's like, I got to believe me in Stanley, dude, he's like, no, why am I in this movie? And there's, I wrote as a joke in my notes time to unlock the super scientific files. And then he does. Yep. He literally like looks around, boop, boop, boop, boop, opens the safe and has a big like, all right, the real science is in here binder. He knows a literal folder of secrets. It just says secrets in big red writing. All right. So now we have to very quickly cut over to Hillary Swank and to Pentagon.

She knows the general guy from the corpse room earlier, their old buddies. And she wants to know what kind of trouble she's in for crashing the space shop. Right. But she's testing the waters. Like I'm trying to find out if Noah's mad at me through heat. This is sorry they mad. I crashed the space shuttle. I feel like you're mad.

I crashed the space shuttle. You just tell me, um, well, okay, here's the thing. Uh, a lot of astronauts have not crashed our shuttle. Oh, yeah. You are not one of those people in the group. I just named I wish you just tell me you were mad. I don't want to say mad. Oh, don't do that. All right, but quick before they can get any further than that, he gets a call. He has to do important army shit. Stanley Tucci is calling him to tell him there could be some trouble with that whole earth's core

not spinning thing that they did. Okay. Let us help you out because the big reveal will be later in this movie, but Stanley Tucci is the reason the earth's core stopped spinning. Yeah. So this phone call is like general, you remember that, that we did with them. It is absolutely every time I've tried to draw he's attention to a fat person in an airport. Do you want to go, do you want to check that out over there?

What? No, no, just over there behind you. You might see an elephant. So we're in sandals. I'm buying a vessel. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha funny, huh? Remember that? I mean, you need to get real scientists down to earth scientists, you know, binge drinking like real scientists do. And I just wrote my notes, only accurate part of the movie. Yeah, but he's pretty bummed about the fact that the world's going to end and we're all going to die. And just then the M.I.B.s show back up to bring him to a different thing.

Oh, and he gives him a hard time again. Yeah, and it's so amazing. He's like, okay, well, what if I play a riddle game? I can shoot you in the fucking face. Make the toothpicks feel go all around the nickel and two move. No, I'm going to shoot you in the face. I'm from the FBI. And I mean, keep in mind that this is a character who's supposed to know that the world is going to end. He might have expected someone to come, right? This movie like constantly forgets that, oh, right, right. No, these people would know that the world continuing to exist is on the line, right? Okay. So they go to the big circle room at the Pentagon. I apparently, Hollywood just thinks that's what the Pentagon

is, right? It's just a long series of always with people working in very unadorned cubicles and circle rooms. They're in one of the circle rooms. And it's amazing. The guy's like, all right, can you put it super simply? And he's like, yeah, absolutely. Everyone is going to die. And the guy pauses and he's like, uh, little less simply. So no, right? Reign it in. Complicated it. We all die in one day. Okay, just blow jobs now that I have your attention. We can't out of four to blow job gap. All right. So then he explains the dumb ass precept of this movie. But in order to do that, he's going to need the visual aid of a peach. Isn't actually a peach. It's a different. I don't know what fruit

it was, but it's not a fucking peach. I live in Georgia. I know peaches. So he needs a peach and a can of air freshener. Okay. That visualization makes no fucking sense. Because the peach he cuts in and have. It's got a skin. It's got the mushy part. It's got a pit. All right, you're talking about the Earth's core. But then he just blows fire on it for a second. And he's like, that is what's gonna happen. But, yes. Huh? In case, A, they couldn't understand strata

without a visual aid, and B, they couldn't understand fire without a visual aid. Okay, so you know round stuff, yeah. And you know round stuff. Yeah, and you know, it's like this. You guys, you're starting to lose me. Oh, sorry, you would have lost me. Can you demonstrate this to me? What with food and not food? What is that fork? Can we live on the fork then? Because that didn't get her. I'm confused by your

your demo. What can we not live on the fork? I feel like I'm an asshole for asking because you're not answering. Oh, it's the best. And his explanation of the layers is ridiculous, too. He's like, okay, so the core is tricky. It has two parts. Is it inner and outer? Is that the tricky thing? It is the inner and the outer. Yes, it is. So you know, two, you know, you know, the number, I really need a visual aid. I don't know why you just blown past my face. I will need two peaches right now. Are you following me? Barrow their testicles, please. I need to flame for our 10, everyone get your pants off. Standing in a row.

Does anyone have one ball that fits inside their other ball? Do we have extra forks to hope it's not? I don't want to burn any but okay. So we're not living on the fork is what you're saying. We're not. No, that's not. Just imagine we're floating. We the fork is what you're saying. Okay. No, that's not just imagine we're floating. We have to imagine. All right. So and they're like, well, what will happen? It is like, well, now that the earth's core has stopped spinning, we'll lose the electromagnetic field that surrounds

the earth, which will cause airplanes to fall out of the sky. There'll be cool looking lightning storms and shit. And he goes and the generals are like, oh, you know be cool looking lightning storms and shit. And he goes and the generals are like, oh, cool looking lightning storms. That, that sounds bad. Yeah, how do we fix it? And he says, it's impossible to fix it. It would take like three full X like, like if we started now, it would take an hour and 47 minutes of movement. Yeah, we just, we'd have to go to the core. We'd have to fix the core and we just cannot get to the core and then Stanley Tucci gives one of my favorite lines. It's so good. Listen for the best part, which is nothing, right? He goes, yes, but sorry, I want to do a big chair spinny thing.

It's slowly, which lever makes it looser? Is it? Okay. I'm spinning. I'm spinning. Well, let's do it if we could get to the core. Oh, yeah. The cliffhanger moment of this scene is, but what if no? Yeah, right. All right. So it's time for another scientific inaccuracy. They head out to Utah to find a black guy, bullshit. Delroy Lindo.

Oh, I love Delroy Lindo. No, I know who Delroy Lindo is. I did not Google him. I loved his work. And come on. Hasselbeck gone in six seconds. Hasselbeck gone in 60 seconds back gone in 60 seconds. I am a that up.

So, damn it. No, I didn't make it up. That's real double. Oh, a triple block. And his name, because they could not. No, no, have any fucking daily. His name is Dr. Brazlton. Brazlton, yes.

All right. And him and Stanley Tucci have a complicated pass. Stanley Tucci stole his research. And that's how Stanley Tucci got so famous and rich and Delroy Lindo has been pissy about it the whole time. But luckily, while he was being pissy about it, he was also creating a recreational earth score cruising vehicle. Yep. So they need his help, but he's a little reluctant at first. He's like, I'm a regular scientist now.

I won't go back to that life. Yes. Movie scientists. I don't know. But then he leads them over to his thing that takes to the core of the earth that he built in the desert by himself. Yeah, lasers, the core of the earth away. It lasers if vaporizes the rocks with science neutrons. Oh, yeah, okay. I frequency lasers with resonance tube ultrasonic. So what?

That's right. And I just as soon as I saw this happen, I was like, why aren't flat earthers doing this to prove us all wrong? Right. It's done. Just shoot through the little cracker that we're on. Make a hole. There you go.

And of course, they also have to explain, wait, not only how could they dig into the earth, but how could they survive when it's, you know, 9,000 degrees Fahrenheit down there. So he has to also demonstrate how he has a magic box that he can shoot lasers at that old melt steel, but the mouse inside the box will stay alive. Yes. And that box is made of unobtainium. Yep. Unobtainium.

Only one way that happened. I'm telling you, we just go with like, I don't know, CJX44, it'll be fine, something like that. No, no, it needs a cool name like vibranium or adamantium or something, some of the people are going to remember. Right, no, it needs a cool name like vibranium or adamantium or something. Some of the people are going to remember. Right. But it's not easy. It's like super duper hard to find it. So yeah, right. Something based on that. Hey, guys, hey, Foss, how's it going? Oh, hey, Rick, I didn't realize the studio was sending anybody down today to check up. Yeah,

just, you know, check it in. see who needs to get fired just kidding. Oh But not really Oh, now I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. So what do you guys what are you guys working on? Which what you got there? What you working on just relax? It's the scene where they reveal how they get to the center of the earth. Yeah got it. So hit me I'm a writer. I write what's the deal you guys want some gum? You want some of my gum? No, but how many pieces are you chewing? 11. Yeah, it's like your mouth has another mouth inside of it. It is very much like that. So what's the hold up? What are we looking on? Let's do it. We're trying to come up with a name of that unobtainable metal and it's tricky.

Unobtainium. Sorry, what? There's tricky. Unobtainium. Sorry, what? Did you? There it is, unobtainium. It sounds fucking cool. Bing, bang, boom. What's next? What are we doing next? We can't call the thing in our way.

We're not calling that. You're fucking an obtainium or you're all fired. Ha, ha. Yeah, I'm just kidding with you. I'm just kidding. Okay. But I'm not kidding. I need you to call it Obtainium.

Okay. Yeah. Obtainium it is. There we go. There we go. You guys want some gum? Would it result in you having less? No, it would not.

Then no. I mean, I'll have some. Okay. Here's the thing. Okay. I'm going to get it. Okay. Okay. Okay. some. Okay, so here's the thing.

There's actually like sort of a precedent for the use of onobtanium and science fiction. So a lot of times when good science sci-fi authors need to make up bullshit, right? Like even in good science sci-fi like in the Martian, right? They got the most of the science pretty right in that, but he had to make up bullshit, right? Like even in good science sci-fi like in the Martian, right? They got the most of the science pretty right in that, but he had to make up the Hab canvas because he just needed some magical sciencey thing that didn't exist in the world. And so oftentimes sci-fi authors would call it on Obtanium. But in, if in your movie, every single thing is on Obtanium, you can't call one of those things on Obtanium.

It's fucking shit. It's fucking shit. It's maguffium, just shut up. Yeah. But yeah, he shows them his laser and his box that blocks it, made of unobtainium. And he shows them, like they're like, all right, well, let's check out your lab. And he starts showing them around his lab and showing off stuff. And he's like, I'm working on a prototype for the, the cockpit right here. Right now, I was thinking like

an area like this. What do you guys think? Yeah, no, that's perfect. That's perfect. Right away. It makes sense because you need people there. Yeah. And they're like, what would it take to make this, you know, feasible by the middle of act two? And he's like $50 billion. And they're like, okay, yeah. two and he's like $50 billion and they're like, okay, yeah, no, it's like this movie. We have way more money than we need. Right. So they're like, okay, well, we need it like right away, like the earth is going to end like the life on earth is going to end. We need, we need it in three months. And don't really look just like, well, no, it'll take 10 years.

And I want it so badly for another like, or, will it? Just stand there, just tell all of us that he brought the chair and spins in. What, there we go. Nailed it this time. Hey, Delroy Littos. Sorry, Dr. Braselton. I'm just still in name. All right, so now that we've got Delroy Litt, sorry, Dr. Braselton. I'm just kidding.

All right. So now that we've got Delroy Lindo, it's time to round up the rest of the team, starting with super computer nerd kid who serves no noticeable function in this movie. You mean aside from looking exactly like a ventriloquist dummy? Because that's important to someone. DJ Quas. Well, you could definitely tell that he's the computer nerd because he's so profoundly unattractive, right?

That makes you good at computers and movies. Oh, and when the government comes in, he's, he's clearing all the hard drives in air quotes and honestly, Pac-Man might as well come by and eat a hard drive during the sequence. He actually microwaves like five CDs also like yeah, a few megabytes of government destroying information. Yes, I didn't want you stealing my mixed tape genius. Well, he had pirated music onto that. And that's a FBI offense there. All right.

So yeah, but he's the greatest computer hacker of all time and they need him to hack into the entire internet so that no one will figure out that the Earth's core has stopped spinning. Oh, Alex Jones has wet dreams about this sequence. Yeah. We need you to scrub the internet of the truth. No problem. I just have my virus delete the words center. Yes. That's the plan.

They're like, you're the number one ranked computer user that we had some entire internet. Need you to hack an ocean of iron and nickel for us. Well, I only speak one language, one zero, one zero, zero. All right, so 20. The language of 20, that's 20. You just sit 20 in binary. And then he gets mad he's like nobody controls the net like you want me to hack dead man's curve are you crazy nobody

right right but he does also well this is playing out they do the little bit where he does the the whistle thing on air and that cards cell phone and gets him free long distance. What is that? Okay, here's the fucked up thing is that they based this on a real thing, but they got it so wrong that would have been better to just make some shit up. Way back in the 70s, there was like a whistle that like you could got it with captain crunch or whatever, but it happened to be the exact frequency that you needed for like a landline phone to get a long distance call. So some people figured out that if you blew that whistle into your phone, it would give you free long distance. Now you couldn't just wing it with a gum wrapper or anything, but if you can play that exact

frequency, you can get free. But again, why base it on something that's real if you're going to get it that wrong to begin with? It's for someone who wasn't aware of that. There is no crazier thing that could have happened. Like I spent the rest of the movie being like, when is that come thing going to come back? He is not really. He's not really. They were just remembered with the very end of the movie and made a phone call from the Saturday.

That would have been so much better. Wait, I have free long distance. I have unlimited minutes. And by the way, the main reason that's wrong is because it was a goddamn cell phone. They don't work the same way. Also they stopped like making that happen in the 80s as soon as anyone figured out that it was happening. Anyway, you guys remember when long distance was a commodity?

I do. I remember when minutes were a thing. Yeah. Blow the grass into your gateway computer from 1997. You get 53 hours of AOL. It's the best. All right. So they got their computer.

The next thing they're going to need as a pilot, preferably a disgraced NASA pilot that's good at trenches. But it turns out she's not disgraced because this, this congressional military tribunal was a, it was a prank. Yeah. They, they, it was just to compliment her. They're like, this seemed really serious. You look at the look on your face. No, you math the fuck out of that landing. That was amazing. You're super good at math and falling. Congratulations. We've got just the job for you. Right. And then listen, we need a pilot and you are the greatest at downward facing math of anyone we've ever seen. So you're okay. And up, but you kill it. It down. So you

did a great job. We are not mad. This is fun. We like to surprise people with this. I got everyone together. Oh, Steve was losing it behind you. So we had to put him on the bench. We cracked it up when we were practicing. He's supposed to usually he's a judge. He's one of the judges. He is actually a military tribunal. He's a checklist. You wanted to put a corp sign your seat. We wouldn't let him do it. It was true. All right. So now they've gathered together all of the earth's best scientists to help out. And this is so that Aaron Eckhart can give the big, you know, the earth is going to be destroyed speech. But before he does, we have to have the meat the team moment, right?

Now, the team in this instance will consist of Aaron Eckhart, his buddy, Serge, Hillary Swank, Stanley Tucci, Delroy Lindo, right? Like the nerd is going to stay above ground and not serve any noticeable function in the movie. The rest of them are going down or start the earth. Will he? Oh, and then you have the moment where like, you know, brilliant scientist that he is here and Eckhart doesn't know how to tie a tie. So Hillary Swank is going to tie it for him so that you can tell that they're going to survive to the end of the movie.

Oh, their chemistry is icy. I want to put old pizza dough on it and keep it for three days. It's just like, here, let me tie your tie. I thought you were really good and boys don't cry. Yeah, it was a really difficult process. There you go. Winds are not the secret is to tie a loop. You say that again.

Nope. By what you also didn't tie a winds are not there. Okay, so now he's going to outline the plan to all of that, the assembled and we're gonna like see it swing by in a montage as he does Yeah, he tries to start with a joke. It's so bad. He's like, hello all you scientists We've never had sex with a woman us none of us No well prize winners anonymous, am I right? We are ugly, ugly people. Well, not me. I'm weirdly attractive, but I'm an actor.

But we got some fat extras. So who wants to punch my chin dimple? Punch me right in the chin dimple. All right. So now he has to explain to the scientists that the way that they're going to restart the core of the earth is they're going to drill down to the very bottom and they're going to set off a nuclear bomb. How big a bomb will they need?

Why a thousand megaton bomb. All right. Okay. So like I don't expect the average person to know their megatonnage on nuclear weapons, but you can look it up if you're making a movie. The largest nuke ever detonated was 50 megatons. It weighed 60,000 pounds and it was larger than a school bus. I just really wanted to cut to a shot of them dragging a circle the size of a small moon. This is not going to fit in the hole. We need more lasers.

Guys, this is crazy. I don't want to be the guy who suggested living on the fork. What if we live on 60,000? Bob, that is the size of a small planet. I just, I want to say it. Yeah, okay. So, and they explained to us how the sets going to work, you know, they go through the hole. They basically, they're going to go down in a train that's a drill with

lasers, right? Yeah. We got the graphics card for train stuff. Well, really good deal. Yeah. It's a train that points down. Any questions, go fuck yourself. There's an hour and 15 minutes. Will there be gravity? Yes, it's no. No, that's a sort of. So yeah, so he reaches the pitiful dramatic finale of his speech. And then we get a very quick scene where everyone's on the training thing, but they're not a team yet at all. They're not teaming enough. And so they crash the thing that's underground. But we're eventually going to learn that no one else does anything on this ship except for the pilots. So like, I don't know why they're blaming it. Deloitte fucking Lindo. He never, he's not flying the left wing or something.

Also, by the way, they're wearing safety suits at this point. Like, what the fuck is a suit gonna do if you're in the mantle or the core of like, wick away the magma and liquid metal? Is this gonna be right up and wash away? Fuck, you're crazy? Safety suits is where sweats and t-shirts. Yes, exactly. Yeah, get fucking comfy. You're going to the

center of the other. It'll be addressing with summer clothes, summer clothes people. Also, they can't say the word nuclear. They fuck up the word nuclear. I think three or four times. This is one of them. And I was actually, I think I was less offended all of a sudden when they got that wrong. I was like, okay, okay, like they're standing here. We see what we're dealing with. Nuclear. What? Nope. No.

Hillary swanks that she'd do one take per scene and I am not breaking that promise to her. Definitely not four syllables. No. And then we also jump into a quick explanation of why the computer nerd is there. He's, as we said, he's gonna just erase everything on the internet that mentions the earth. I love the idea that timecube guy is sitting at home just like, but where does my shit keep going? I'm a crazy person and I kill myself and that's a sad part of the story. He did kill himself. That's a sad part of the story. He did kill himself.

That's a sad part of the time, Cube story. I never know whether to believe you with shit like that. Will you say somebody killed because I generally don't believe you. All right. So then it's time for Hillary and Aaron to make it super clear that they're the love interest of the film, right? So we have the whole scene where he's explaining how he's built a device that can see through solid lead.

Yes. And it's a man. Look built a device that can see through solid lead. Yes, and it's a bit. Look, here's the thing. I get it. You need to say that for your movie to work. You don't have to say it's like a cat scan at the hospital because we all know what a cat scan at the hospital looks like. Man, I guess.

So you can't scan at the hospital, but you know, not. Yeah, right. And apparently the point of this scene is so that she keeps moving his dials around and it turns out that she's even better with his science stuff than he is. She just intuited how his leds seeing through machine worked and where the settings needed to be. Well, the, the controllers are street fighter two controllers. So she's just like, oh, let me just zoom in.

Oh, wait, you used to more like mortal combat type moves. I get it. Exactly. I get it. I know that this is supposed to be a like, look how smart she is seeing, but why would you do it? Even if you were smart, you'd be like, Hey, I think you can do this with it. This, this instead of just being like, touch, oh All I was wrong. And I melted your head. All right. So then we cut to Aaron at cart looking

over the military base where they're getting ready and they're underneath the very poor 2003 graphics of lightning storms like poor for 2003 graphics of lightning storms in Aurora's and I looked up and I saw the Aurora's in the screen. I'm like, Hey, that actually would happen, right? If the Earth's course steps, then they got something right. This is also the first time I wrote in my notes, Jesus, they're still an entire movie left an hour and a half. And these lightning storms are fun. It might as well be me and he runner around with curtain rods. Just like, I was a fun day. All right. So now we've got to dig into the conflict a little bit more between Hillary and the captain of the ship. Right. So Hillary's practicing hard at her

earth drilling, but she just can't get it right, damn it. Yeah, the movie is very confident that steering is going to be the key to success on this vision. Just going through magma like left at the fucking magma and then what watch out for the magma though, there's magma like what? How is steering in a matter? What are you gonna fall into? That would be clear. This ship can go through magma, not magma.

I guess, yeah, but she can't get it right so the major or whatever, the captain is gonna give her a pep talk. Yeah, and he just pops out of nowhere. Like in the dark, they're in a dark room. And he just like raises up his face into the frame. I don't know where. And she's like, Oh, you're gonna give me a speech right now.

So you were just, you were just literally lurking there in case one of us needed a late night weird speech. And he's like, yeah, I'm gonna lurking. I almost gave this pep talk to a janitor. I'm gonna be on the team. Been here for 45 minutes. And his pep talk is being a leader is about losing. And all I wrote in my notes was, okay, so Bito is a great leader. We know. Yeah, well, he's like, dumb like, being a real leader is about sending people out to die. You'll get this in act three. It'll make perfect sense.

You will kill everyone in act three. Yeah. You're not a real leader until you lose. That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. You don't want an undefeated leader. That's fucking stupid. But Alex Jeter, the great was a pussy. Pull the tarp off a trophy case.

Participation trophies, all of them. Every single one being a leader. And the best. It's not about ability, it's about responsibility. There's two eyes in ability, but three eyes in response. What the fuck are you talking about? It's literally no better than that. All right, but now, wait,

there's a particularly bad electrostorms and they're popping a ball over the world according to the computer nerd. So he cut to all over the world, which is Rome. Yeah. And everyone in Rome is getting carpet socks. It's the worst possible amount to do more things. Ah. All right, this might be the best worst science in the best worst science movie of all time,

right? The part where the people like start having to like run from the lightning. Hey, guys, fast is lightning. This is lightning slower or faster than people can run in between slow people and fast people because some fast people do outrun the lightning which was the lightning strikes on the ground and then starts moving along by these people like what the fuck and then of course the Coliseum being made of such good conducting material also gets lightening repeatedly. And then explodes. Yeah. I mean, it's so like lightening's just walking around like fucking stay puffed marshmallow. And it doesn't fucking matter. And stay puffed lightening is very attracted

to stone. Yeah. And but especially famous stone buildings that are named. So exactly. Exactly. Americans with cracking eyes. From distinct coincidence. Yeah. So and then back at the base, they're like, wow, the electromagnetic field is decaying even faster than we thought. We needed a good, this movie going now, damn it. We're almost an hour in. So they had to, okay, and this just again, minor little thing, but I cannot believe how stupid this movie is. We cut to it says, Marianna's trench, South Pacific. Nope.

Nope. You got a 50 50 shot on which Pacific you want. Come on, guys. I love this because this is so Eli stupid, right? This is just like, where do we put the drill in? The deepest part of ocean. Yeah. We'll get that start. You're going to want that, you don't want that six mile head start on the 3,000 mile

trip to the inner core. Yes. That's going to change the, the inner core. Yes. That's gonna change the calculus there. And also, again, and it doesn't even make sense that because they have the bit where the whales start swimming around them. And I'm like, oh, these are those deep whales, those bottom of the Marianas trench whales

that swim around people. I wanted the camera to pan over and they're those weird, googly eyes, spike teeth. What the fuck are those whales? Yeah. Oh, and by the way, okay, so before they, before they launch out though, they get to the ship, they get to the aircraft carrier that they're going to launch their ship vertically from for some fucking reason. The music seems really impressed with the ship. The ship looks like the dildo of the gods, right? The best.

It's actually an up, it's an upside down rocket launch rig. That's all this. So silly. Okay. So now they, they, they, they, they christen the ship, Virgil. Everybody has a drink with one of them all sobering everything. This is 100% impossible and we have literally no effect on this vehicle.

We might as well get drunk right away. Yeah, exactly. Also this is where we learn that Stanley Tucci is narrating everything into his tiny little taper quarter. And he's using the, he's like saying the word that dumb people think that smart people say. Here is we journey off into them. I was in the party.

I was like, Bill, it's a billion. So they'll, they'll strap into the vehicle. They're tilted up, right? Like it's a rocket. Why would they be, why would they be tilting up? It's better than that because later, they're all gonna turn around in the direction they're going. As far as the movie, you guys wanna see the direction we're going?

Sure, that's all. Let's all scoot around. We upside down to begin. Stan, they don't say or is there when we turn around, okay, buddy? Yeah. Also, at some point somebody was like, all right, well, we are, you know, we're going, we're going six miles down, we got that big head start. But listen to this, I was thinking, what if we drop our thing into the water from like

pretty high up, for like extra downiness, like a high up. Yeah, like 45. For like extra downiness like a high dive amount, you know? Give a little oomph. Right? Well, no, we can drop it from there, but in order to do that, apparently we will need a countdown, right? Like they, they, apparently they think that they count down with the space shuttle is done for dramatic effects. Absolutely. Two guys sitting there going, okay, so that, that thing that they do with the spaceship where they count down, that's just for like fun.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. Man, that just talked to like, there's just like a big TV thing. Oh, okay, cool. So we'll put that in ours too. We should we start a 10. Yeah, let's start it. 10. That's how long project takes to get ready. 10 seconds. Nine eight Hillary Swank just hits go on eight. Let this fucking stupid. It doesn't matter. You guys are in it. It's down is just going to still be down. You see how badly did you guys want them to hit a bird as they drop a ship and the whole thing explodes?

There's just two guys down their fishing or some off. Movie goes full contact. So now they're heading down into the Mariana's trench, but just then there's a big underwater earthquake and big rocks start falling down on their ship because we got to make this dispense will somehow, right? Yeah. The rocks could be trouble. Well, also thousands of miles of magmen, liquid metal, like we're not even into the

very beginning of this. But okay, but Loki's with apparently there's a vortex and everything else. And they're like, oh, he can't pull out in time. But like what we're given to work with is can the ship down down Lee enough, right? Strut in my notes, not to get too sciencey, but rocks are bad. Also, there's this amazing writing moment where he goes fast in your seatbelts. And you can see all the other actors from look at the harnesses. They're strapped into it. I mean, I said it before he called action. If they keep it in the middle, they keep it in the middle. Yeah. And then we have

the whole, oh, but will the lasers fire fast enough that we need to drill through the earth? Spoiler alert, they will fire fast enough. I mean, like through the earth, spoiler alert, they will fire fast enough. I mean, like, you know, we know they're not just going to crash into the rocks. It would have been an awesome way to end this movie, honestly. And I'd been longed if it this was going to say would still be a full length movie. We're swerving. I'm going to miss the pencil mark that we made at the bottom of the marry of the trend. It's not going to be the right spot. We put a little X there. It's a big deal.

Also they need to time the lasers at this point too. I didn't understand that. Was there was there a risk of shooting the lasers too early? Like the water would disappear and they'd fall too fast. Well, no, because they have those, those deep, Mariana's trench whales, and you wouldn't want to hit one of them. Oh, the whales. Oh, I wanted them to fuck up the mission too, just like the whales like dive in front

of the thing, like the birds were doing before. And he's, yeah, right. Sure. Fuck in the ship. Cut over to like the evil pigeon leader, bribing a whale like perfect. Just be cool. All right, so now we're finally confronted with that foundational problem of the movie. A ship digging through earth wouldn't look like anything.

This is the first time we're just going to be confronted with that. Just straight up, right? Oh, I can't. This is the first time we're just gonna be confronted with that just straight up, right? Oh. I can't. I can't. Pretty proud of that. Thank you.

Take all the time when you get a sketch. It's just us and the patrons. Very honest. All right. So now they have a signal to base. I'd love to know how they manage that, right? They're going to talk back and forth with home base throughout this movie. Well, they're, it's bouncing up through the hole.

Right. Yeah. All of a sudden though, it's once they get into the mantle, they're like, and we got a signal. So like, they couldn't track them until they got far enough away and surrounded by magma and now there's a signal. So like, they couldn't track them until they got far enough away and surrounded by magma. And now there's a signal. Right. Yeah. Well, obviously because they're in the mantle now, right? There's this moment where they're like, apps still crossed, but then they get into the mantle, dammit. And of course, they have to point out here,

they're like, yeah, it'll take us 24 hours to get to the core. And then 15 more hours to get to the inner outer core border, we're going to stay true to the amount of time it would take because we don't want to fuck up the science in this movie. Yeah. And this is where they emphasize the steering again. They're like, all right, we're going to need to plot our way through the lowest density material. It's, it's all magma, but we, we will find the melted cheese part if there's a little cheese part. So pretty dense down here. Pretty dense.

I've heard we're going to find the empty oxygen rich part. Oh, God, Jesus. Don't get me started yet. Yeah. And of course, Stanley Tugia is his whole recording thing and that's annoying everybody, of course. Yeah. He's like, we passed through the memories of the planet, memories, madness.

Stop saying M words. God fuck you. Magma fuck you. You are a literate. God. And then the action here is, like I was saying before it's naming numbers They're just like everybody name there's six of us. We're all alive We all have roles that are important everybody name the number on the big green numbers And it's like 165, okay. Uh, name a unit too, because that's stupid.

The obsession status. A battery. Battery. Jignauts. Jigawatts. Don't. Jigawatts. Black.

Were you looking at Delroy Lindo and said black? No. No. No. All right. So 12 hours later, there's 700 miles down. The movie is even admitting, wow, we made a lot of build up to something that's just going to be completely uneventful for 12 hours.

And they've got something on their weird cameras, right? It turns out that they're about to come upon one Earth's hollow parts. Yogurt. No. Yeah, they're about to get there. I think there is a cave in the Earth's mantle. Yep. A cave.

There's not, by the way, I don't want to get too deep into the geology on this film, but there's not I love Do they're like they get to it? They're like wow, it's some kind of Geo, did I'm a yes it is great job looking up that we were not prepared for this museum gift shop came I don't know what we do. Somebody named numbers. The dead singing of course is 2.6 grams for keeping it down here. I don't know what to say. Black. Don't. Nope. Don't say it. Just don't look at Delroy. Just let him win. Don't look at Hillary and the man. He's keeping that under wraps for another few years. Don't do that. Untalented.

Okay, that's mean. That's cool. Don't stop looking at it. You're in that car. Leave. Leave arrow. It doesn't get to be in another movie for 10 years. Yeah.

All right, but they're going to fall through. They're going to fall into the geode. So they crashed into this giant crystal field. Now again, like a lot of movies get stuff like this wrong, but as they're falling, they're being tugged towards their harnesses. Why are they falling down? Why are they, who knows why anything that's happening in this movie is happening? Now, this is what really kind of pissed me off about this movie. Like if you wanted to actually do the science with this precept, there are a few things that you could do that would be really cool, right? Like, as you get closer and closer to the core of the earth, the gravity would be less

and less, right? So if you got to the exact center of the earth, there would be no gravity on you at all, and you would just be in free fall. But they actually could have done some cool shit with that type of stuff, but they never did. They're just like, yeah, it's probably a holes in the earth, huh? And they would fall if they had a hole. Yeah. No, it's awesome. Geodes. I have.

I got one of the big ones at the museum that they tried to like $400 for. I put it in a big room. Then I knocked it over and it exploded. So this movie is kind of a healing process for me. All right. So now, but they crash land. Luckily, the ship's okay, but there is a crystal jamming their laser. So they're going to have to go outside amongst hot liquid magma. Okay.

The bag hasn't made it in quite yet. But first of all, why would they pack outdoor gear for their trip into the center of the magma filled earth? They're the planning meeting. What if we need to go outside of the vehicle into the hot magma? Do we have suits that can withstand that temperature? No, we have suits that can withstand half the temperature. We love you. Okay. Let's bring them. We'll wear two.

I'll wear two of them. But double up, double up that layer. It's the same, right? Cool. Yeah, exactly, exactly. All right. So they go outside and they stand around for a few minutes going like, wow, huge cave full of crystals. This is very unlikely to exist 700 miles down into the earth. And luckily our suits, they're a, they're nice poly cut and blend. They also block all the pressure of the pressure. Yes. Enormous crushing pressure that's building.

And the heat and give it my it would be like it's 4,000 degrees. Yes. But oh, and by the way, then they use a laser to cut the crystal. How hot is that laser? It's 4,000 degrees outside. So they might as well have used a saw just like a hand. Right. Hillary, can you get on the other end of this thing?

All right. So yeah, they get the two man saw going out. That would be awesome. All right. So but now they realize, oh, they've punctured a hole in this protected geode in the middle of the earth. And so now the lava's getting in. The lava you see right away is melting the crystals. So they could just get back in the fucking ship now, right?

And just wait for the lava to like get over top of them and then they could just go. But that wouldn't be exciting at all apparently. So they have to cut faster, damn it. They got to cut faster. And then Delroy Lindo is like, I'm losing oxygen that feeds into my saw that we have. The laser oxygen. Hello, moving gun. The laser oxygen. Okay. No, that's that makes sense. And he's like, okay, so I guess I don't know blow on my gun. What do we do? What do we do? What he does? But Aaron Eckhart takes his oxygen tank and disconnects it and then shoves that tube

into the crystal remover gun. And they all have the same connector. Yeah, well, no, it's universal. They now sell it for their lesson. Like, fuck, is that an Apple product? Yeah, we're all dead. Anyway, I got a dongle. It's back in the show. You're the worst. This at this point, I just wrote in my notes. This is like a community theater production of Armageddon. Yeah, right. Like they didn't get the rights to Armageddon. So they called it like big meteor.

again. So they called it like big meteor. Yeah, but so Aaron that cart can't breathe. He doesn't bother to be like, Hey, I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you the oxygen for the laser for like 90 seconds. Then I'm going to take it back to the deep breath and give it back to you. He just waits till he passes out so that now everyone can have to drag him back onto the ship for which the captain dies in the stupidest possible way. Yes. He gets magma dripped. He might as well just be like, magma's there a bunch of morons in my right and he turns right there.

A piece of magma, a piece of magma, those are the words, just fucking came out of my mouth because I watched that happen. A piece of magma falls on his head and then he's like, oh, I got hit by magma. And then there's a slight, slight rivulet of blood coming down his head, like, like the magma shot him with a neckdark. And he's like, I expected the music from the O C to start but what you say. So he falls into the lava. He sings because he's denser than stone and then Hillary Swank

is super sad and she can't be a leader now because like you said, he's not a leader until you lose and now she lost him and she has to think about it for a while. What do we say she looks sad? She looks miffed. I thought my notes man, this sure is a big responsibility. I should probably take a minute and really consider before I start this spaceship. take him in it and really consider it before I start this spaceship. Fucking lost the video game again. Yeah. So, okay.

So they resuscitate Aaron Eckhart. Would you, apparently, for some reason requires taking his shirt off, not sure whose idea that was. Not Hillary swanx. You see her, she's, she's touching him because the point of the scene is supposed to be like, ooh, she likes Aaron Eckhart, but she is, she is handling steak. She's like, uh-huh. Yeah.

Love this chest. Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. In Matame, such a heterosexual. All right. She's like, oh, oxygen goes best through the nipples. I'm just licking them to get them ready. You're right in there. All right.

And I just piece of advice for movie characters. If someone is dead, don't give it to anybody as a good news bad news situation. Okay. The bad news and that cannot be. And so and so is dad. Yeah. They're like, all right. Good news, bad news. You've woken up, we're alive and we're moving. You're alive. That's good, but it's hot. And Aaron Erickard's like, okay, so the bad news is the air conditioners broken. Like, no, Bob's dead. Uh, that's probably should have skipped the good news, bad news. They did that format did not work for this piece of news. And again, in the silliest possible moment, she's like playing a game boy as she delivers this news.

And he's like, Hey, what's that? And she's like, Oh, it's the, it's the video screen autopilot. And I wanted him to just be like, really? I'd love for this to have 100% of your attention. Someone just died because our maps were inaccurate. Like just aren't you telling me right now about a guy dying because we weren't paying close enough attention to this? Yeah, but I think.

I thought. No, no, that's not. Tussles, Tesla's a great company. They never fuck up. How do you feel about Kung Fu Panda? All right. So this is where I looked down and realized, holy fuck, they're still an hour in this thing. So we're gonna pause for a much needed break, but first let me give Ack3 the hard sell here.

How is there still an hour left in this thing? Is there some kind of dance number at the end? Are the credits 23 minutes long? Fight out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the delinquent conclusion of the core Rick So when we return for the delinquent conclusion of the core. Rick. Oh, hey boys, hey guys, come on in, come on in, come on in, let's just do this yoga thing, trying to get flexible enough to suck my own dick. Cool. That's exactly what it looked like.

Um, a little problem with the movie. Yeah. You boys need more money. It's 2003. We have plenty of money. You guys want more money. You can use the money. If you need more money, I give you more. No, we have enough money. It's just, uh, it's just an issue with Stanley Tucci. Stan the man. Love that guy. Prelude to a kiss, Pelican brief, wrote to perdition. He's great. He's great. No, absolutely. Right. Um. That's the problem though. He keeps breaking character like mid

scene to rant about how stupid the plot of this movie is and I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, and for a long time, like all of Saturday, that was all of Saturday right there. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, I got it, I get it, I get it, I get it. So here's what we do. Here's what we do. We keep, we keep the rants. We added a round them and then we ADR, yes. Here it is, we ADR, this mission for this movie.

Every time he says this movie, you go this mission. Whatever you need to, Bing, Bing, Bing, boom, we're good. Jesus, that would actually work. Yeah, that's perfect actually. Anybody else give him your trouble? Anything, anything else? Nope, I'll set. Yeah, literally everyone else is just happy to be in a movie.

There we go, good for them. Hillary Swank is talented. Yep, she's not in movies. Not in this movie. Right kid. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Yep, she's not in this. Not in this movie. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin our heroes on day two of the mission. We have to keep jumping forward in time because this is a really boring precept. So okay, so they're now getting to the mantle core interface that the dudes are in the back

fucking with the nooks. They're practicing setting off nuclear weapons. They're doing the 10 count for Morgan. They're getting room tone. It's very confusing. Yeah. Feels like you'd practice this before you drop in. Like this could be just like when we need them. They're ready. I don't know. And but unfortunately though, at this exact moment moment they happen to be driving their train drill through a diamond field. Classic diamond field in the middle of the magma what do you do. So yeah the diamonds there's giant.

The fucking aircraft carrier size diamonds float around like there are in the middle of the earth and they're They're closing in Right like they're trying to like get between them and the two are closing in on each other It's the and it's the best because it's such stupid. Guy logic right you can see so clearly the guys being like all right So we need the meteor shower moment. What's meteors inside the earth? Diamonds. Diamonds. It's a diamond field. Diamonds don't melt. You're weird. Come on. Some of lunch at the temperature. And they almost get through, but one of the diamonds reaches out and stabs their ship.

Yeah. That last diamond was apparently a thwomp diamond. So like, you know, you got to, you got to be at a full run by the time you get near it. Yeah. Yeah. But okay. So that's breached the ship. But luckily, when one part of the ship gets breached, they can very, very slowly close that part off and eject it, which is, you know, damn convenient that it breached the last one, right? Yeah. What a really sucked if it breached the second one. Oh, we did not think this could have just been like a fishing lure, but no, okay.

But then of course they, they, all the nukes are in that back car. So they have to get all the nukes out in time. And this is where surge must sacrifice himself to save the mission. Okay. the mission. Okay, the actual sacrifice itself is not the worst possible thing. It's his death scene. That's the worst. It's the greatest. The absolute greatest. Yeah. Okay. So he's getting the nooks up and he also has to give them his notebook, which has all of his nuke math in it. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Make a fucking Google doc. Are you kidding me? Right. This is a series. We're trying to save the world. You have a literal notebook of paper that has to be wrapped and you kept it in the back.

Right. So he gets trapped in the back car, right? Classic disaster movie space movie stuff. And then there's not enough room and Hillary Swayk has to make the very dramatic decision to like seal off that car and let him die. Except Hillary Swayk is so mailing it up for Farbitch, she's just like, you could tell you, the director was like, okay, Hillary, it's a really different push the button. Nope. Take a little more time, let's do another take of it. So you're really pushed the button. You can push it twice? You pushed it twice imagine imagine if like I was gonna get killed or not push the button

Okay, right that was pushed the fastest. That was the fastest Push push push push push push push push push push push push you're pushing it over and over I didn't mean now. Okay. Well the other thing too is the way that this scene is set up like Search does not have to die. Right? Like they've been given like a two solid minutes of, no, yeah, she definitely could open that door and let him in.

She's just basically killing him for revenge for her body dying now. And they accidentally on purpose show us just how dumb this and how slow this process is because he's like on video in the back car and they're watching like now he's shut off. They've closed the hatch and he's in the back car and it's like slowly crushing in the like the walls of it under pressure. Yeah, so trash compactors on the detention level style. Yeah, right. But getting crushed is nothing until

you're actually crushed. And the movie is not aware of this. So it's just like five minutes of this French guy being like, the room is a bit smaller now. I can see why you ejected me. Not to room me. I get it. Also Also Aaron Eckhart's trying to do the platoon. We're getting on that big bird to heaven. Yeah. Monologue, but he doesn't realize that that's supposed to be an attempt and not a confident monologue. Is he's like, huh?

You and me going to get some craps. It's our go. Little wine. You're being crushed. You're being crushed. Okay. So yeah, So he dies. The adjective Aaron at cart goes up and he wants to make sure Hillary Swank feels plenty bad about

it. So she makes him look at his notebook. Look at his coloring book. Yeah. Look at this coloring book is what I just yelled. That's a weird look at this coloring book exclamation. That's just a weird sentence that I just said. Yeah, and for all to be fair, she should feel bad. She straight up killed that, dude. Anyway, at this point, somebody says, God, she's just leave God out of it. And I was like, this movie counts. It totally counts. Absolutely. Regular release schedule, two weeks off for the exact way. Exactly. Exactly. And now we flash forward in time to the next guy dying, I guess. And in the middle of this dangerous mission, Aaron Eckart's character

is giving Hillary Spank's character the silent treat silent treat. Josh, Josh don't do this. We ought to save the earth, Josh. Are you mad? What's wrong? Is it because I killed your best friend? I should get to kill your best friend now. But well, okay, he's dead. He died early. I get to see you naked. That's standards that come rules. I get to see you naked that standards sitcom rules. I get to see you naked is the other way to do this. All right, but, but he gets over it pretty quickly. He gets over it at the beginning of

this scene rather than the end of it. And now they move into the core, which is yellow. They move into the yellow because you know someone walked into the special effects guy's office and they were like, so now they're in the core. What do you got? And he was like, nothing, man. Two weeks ago, nothing. It's two, nine, it's two thousand and three. It's two thousand and three. Slab tops are 25 pounds and everyone is wearing straight cut jeans. Britney Spears is relevant. I don't have anything for you.

I have a yellow kaleidoscope. Is that helpful? Yes. Yes. Yes. We're doing it. Yeah. Steve cancel that order for that construction paper.

Right. And so then we get to watch the remaining cast, the remaining people on this little ship stare at yellow, like, and they're like wrapped like like a kid seeing his first booby, just like staring at the yellow. It's amazing. I wanted them all to break out coloring books and just like draw yellow. Amazing. I wanted them all to break out coloring books and just like draw yellow Let me use that crayon man past the yellow using it. Okay. All right, but unfortunately though. There's a problem The earth's core turns out to be less dense than they thought so they don't have enough megatons to make it start again

It's really too. She calls the general to tell him that like, oh, our little secret weapon thing did this. And again, it's me trying to signal fat person to the airport. Oh, hi, general. Sorry, I'm making a phone call. Get a moment to myself. Thank you. We did the turns out that the, huh,

is black. Are you talking about me? Delroy Linda gets mad. No, no. All right, but here's the thing though, they have not established any reason in this film why they wouldn't just turn around and go get more nukes, right? Like stay, we know that that's the wrong idea because Stanley Tucci suggests it and he's the bad scientist character.

But like that makes it, there's no reason why they couldn't just go back up and then drop them again later. Right? There's already a hole. I feel like it would be faster. Yeah. They know to avoid giant geodes now. Yeah, but, but the good guys apparently are like, no, we're going to make this work anyway. But before they can figure out how they have to drill into that backstory and tell us about

the device that made the Earth's score stop spinning to begin with. This is the best. This is where the writers truly gave up because you could, Stanley Tucci looked at the script and he was like, I'll say the words because you're paying me money. We thought our enemies were going to make an earthquake machine. So we built an earthquake machine and that's the top of the center of the core. Yeah. Good. I'm Lee and my trailer. I am absolutely not calling it the deep earth seismic trigger Initiative that spells destiny not really Come on we wanted an acronym that was a word just don't just We said acronym all the way up until initiative and then it's I and I is destiny

You know you pick a different target word for the acronym. This is, you don't have to, why is Destiny is not related. Well, I love there like, well, he's like, well, maybe if we use Destiny and it'll restart the Earth's corn, it's like, gee, figure you would have tried that first. But Aaron Eckhart says, no, because if you do that and your calculations are off, it'll make all the volcanoes on earth erupt. And I'm like, that's better than the burn peach thing from earlier though, right?

Like, wait, better. Right. Like already, like just Rome being destroyed. Like pretty much we would have balanced that out if we'd done that. All right, fuck somebody get me a fork and a volcano. Let me show how it's. But before you ask, no, we cannot live on the fork. No.

Okay. And this is where Stanley Tucci reads the rest of the script and flips out. Yeah, that's all he's just like, this is so fucking stupid. Well, oh, we'll go to the car. We'll drop the nooks in a big circle. What do you think? You, you pretty idiot. Why am I here? Rump to perdition. Oh, and my only notes here are punch them in the face, punch them in the face, please punch them in the face. Yes, because then don't really know, punch them right face. And it's amazing.

Yeah, right. And that means they can carry on even further into the yellow. Right. Yeah, this is, this was, this is plan C, right? They were like, all right. Well, we're doing the destiny thing. That's plan B. Come home. You're obviously, you just, you know, abort the mission.

And then Aaron Accord's like, okay, what about plan C? And everybody's fascinated by this. They're like, yeah, what about other letters? Exactly. There's more. It could be plan C. We'll, we'll do plan C. We'll figure it out soon.

That's project plan. Plan F too far. Stupid. Figure it out soon. Project Fios crushed it. But you know, we haven't done it a while is destroy a landmark. So now the microwaves that are emitted by the sun in this universe in the line have found a hole in the electromagnetic field there's a hole in it you see because the electromagnetic meter is still up a bit but not all the way and it just so happens that this whole in the electromagnetic field is right over San Francisco. Oh my god it's gonna melt the bridge not. Not the cars on the bridge, mind you.

Well, I mean, the sun and the lightning, they like to attack just landmarks, not the red people or the cars. This is regular old cars. Yep. And this electrifies the bridge, by the way. Somehow. Yep, yep, the microwave's electrify the bridge. There's a guy, we were really focused in on this one guy during this one. the bridge by the way. Somehow. Yep. Yep. The microwave's electrify the bridge.

There's a guy. We were really focused in on this one guy during this. Yeah, we really want to watch this one human die. Yeah. And so he's got his arm hanging out the window when the microwave's first start. He goes, oh, oh, hot. And his arm burns. So he rolls up the window so that he won't melt anymore.

And then the bridge melts around him. Yep. Because, you know, the Golden Gate Bridge melts at a much, much lower temperature than the dude. Yep. It's an electromagnet melting process now. Yep. So that's happening right now.

Oh, I just wanted them to cut over to like Magneto trying to fight somebody. it melting process now. Yeah. That's happening right now. Yeah. I just wanted them to cut over to like Magneto trying to fight somebody and just hitting himself in the face with metal stuff. What is happening right now? This is ridiculous. All right. But so now the computer nerd has heard that they're going to try project destiny and he can tell that's a bad idea because the evil general likes it.

So he's gonna type super, super fast and try to help. He sends Aaron Eckhart a secret code and the secret code is one, two, three, five, seven, eleven. The prime numbers. Yeah, the first few, the first handful of prime numbers and and one and Aaron Ernerker. It's like, I'll type the beginning of the list of numbers into the calibration fields of my random map thing. And then it says the hacker message like, I'm going to help you now. It's spelled out in like a text bubble. Yes, yeah. In like comic sands, yeah. So stupid. And he's like, all right, well,

I erased the word destiny from the internet. No, wait a minute. Okay, well that didn't do anything. Yeah, of course it didn't do anything. Hack their weapon, obviously. Sorry, sorry, yeah. Just googling project destiny. Fuck, okay, well, now it's gone because I did that thing before. All right, but so now, okay, he's going

to help, but Delroy and Aaron Eckhart have to figure out how to fix the earth. And Stanley Tucci has to stand behind him and sweat and be petty. He just did. They're roasting them while they're trying to figure out how to save the earth. And I love they just start naming random physics equations at this point. Yeah, it's just like, all right, we need more action. Name some numbers about torque. And somebody got excited about this idea. Somebody was like, Hey, guys, so we've been doing numbers for the action, but you know, algebra, what if we switch to fucking letters for act three and fucking really mix it up? So that's what they do.

And it's like your R is too small T by R. Murn. Okay. Make it bigger. Yeah, I was going to say bigger. Yep. Okay, make it bigger. Yeah, I was gonna say bigger. Yep. So, yeah, while they're speaking in variables, Stanley Tucci has a sweaty idea of how to save the world.

So, you know how when you drop a rip a stone and a pond, it makes ripples. But if you drop a bunch of stones and a pond, they make the earth's core start spinning. Yes. I drove that pond start spinning. Do you ever just like everybody in a pool, kind of just run around in a circle and make like a whirlpool? We could do that with the outer core. No, we could not. Well, let's be honest, that makes us much sense is setting off a nuclear bomb in the core of here to get it to spin does. So yeah, sure. That's where they land. Yep. They land on dropping like so they have a handful of nukes and they're like, no,

we'll just use all will like instead of all at once, we'll split them up and drop them as we go timed perfectly. And I wanted so badly to have these people be like cutting up a thousand megatons of uranium and tiny little piles by. Like they're bringing up pot without a scale. They're like yelling at each other. We have skies have your, your, your sticker, your pile sticker. They'll look at that. That's obviously thicker. You have the end of the bud of uranium.

No. All right. So, okay. So meanwhile, the bad Americans are firing up project destiny and the good guys you're trying to hotwire the nukes. Now, at this point, the guys, the main characters have figured out a way to restart the earth's core that will work they decide for reasons the movie doesn't ever bother to explain not to tell mission control.

Yep. At no point do they say hey guys we've got an idea on how this will probably work we're going to let you know that so you won't fire your earthquake machine that'll kill us. They're mad at them. They can just find out the hard way that we succeeded in our mission. Exactly. You don't know. I'm not going to tell you how we're going to solve the problem. I know it's just a tiny moment, but they have this exterior shot of the giant building where destiny is and they couldn't hack a big building. So they CGI'd one. Yep. And it looks terror. It looks like the Senate from episode one. Oh, yeah. I know it's straight out of a bad video game. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, but, but of course, they're, they're trying to fire it up, but the nerd kid is hacking super hard.

Yeah, he's like, Lady Elaine Fairchild is hacking into the computer. It's just typing loud just like, all right, uh, hack project destiny. Fuck, okay, project destiny, stop it. No, okay. Fuck, is somebody using Napster? This is ridiculous. What's happening? Unplug the router. What's happening? Yes. Unplug the router. Get me a hot pocket. All right.

So, so now we jumped to 42 hours into the mission. Now, I find this time jump to be most interesting of all because when we, before the time jump, they were firing up Project Destiny, right? We're supposed to believe that now seven hours later, they're still firing it up. The kid is still hacking away. Well, you know, maybe they have to dial up like, you know, old AOL. Well, right. I'm not saying it couldn't take that long in 2003. I'm just saying the movie should have acknowledged that. All right. So now they're

in the see through part of the inner earth. We can tell by the far away shots of their ship. And they realize that if they want to eject all of the bombs the way they plan to, one of them is going to have to go outside into the 9 thousand degree heat. That is several thousand degrees hotter than like ground zero at the Hiroshima bomb, by the way, for just for comparison. It's like almost the surface of the sun. Yeah, it's like a thousand degrees over the surface of the sun. And there's suits.

There's suits allegedly can handle 4500 degrees. Well, he's just going. He's like, well, about half that. All right. Can we, just like, can we roll around inside of a geode? Do we have any geodes that we can get inside of? No. Yeah, because again, one of them has to go and sacrifice himself for this. But like, if the suit's going to fail and you're going to die, he's just going to die before he can do it. He would be, he would be vaporized in that heat. That's not how 4500 extra degrees works. It doesn't slow you down like a strong wind. It's not like, ow, okay. Oh, I got to get used to it.

I got to go in a little bit leg at a time. Yeah, right. Right. Should have air conditioning up so high. All right, but they have to draw straws to see who has to go out in the 9,000 degree. But Delroy Lindo, he tricks him, right? He's, he folds his in half so that he can be the dead one. He's like, guys, I'm the black guy. I mean, I don't think any of us has any illusions about me surviving through this movie. You have a love interest. You're the assholes.

So you'll probably live through it. I'm the black guy. You know I'm going to die. And they're and they're like, no, Del Rey Lindo. Don't pay the check. I would like to. Yeah, right. It was like heaths birthday. He's got himself buying everyone dinner for his birthday. That was fun. Two nights in a row. Cool. All right. So now you've brought the mood down. All right. So now Delroy Lindo has to go die. No, it's a somber scene. So add a somber thing going on here. He has a quick moment with Hillary Swank and a quick moment with Aaron at Cart.

You just do think he's not going to have a moment with Stanley two geez. They don't like each other, but they do have a moment. Stanley two, she was like, okay, I will act in one scene of this movie, one. I wanted him to turn to him and just like, black. All right. So they open up the hatch. He walks out into the 9,000 degree heat. He's taken it well.

He doesn't combust or anything. But the suit is melting. It gets so hot that his glasses break. You know how glasses, glasses, pracks at a high heat. Yeah, but he goes outside and he hits the button that he has to twist the thing and now they can do the thing or whatever. And again, like, I know that in real life, if he went out in a thousand degree, he wouldn't be able to save him. But in this movie, he like, he's out there for long enough that one of them could go

out and get him or he could have got back in. But no, they're like, no, leave it sealed. This is now murder spree. It's like, well, first of all, she's super willing to kill him. He's like, actually, I think I can make it. And she's like, oh, I already touched the button. Look at that. Too late.

Moving can't end until most of you are dead. I won out. Right. But this is where Aaron Eckhart's like, no, like stop. I will kill him. I will press the button. Now we're tied at. You feel better. And she's like, actually do. We're tied at technically. It's like magma one, you won me one. So Stanley Tucci kills some magna. And then it's all killed an average amount of people. Yeah. All right. So now they've got to move the bombs into position and we learn that Stanley Titchie's character

is a bitch to move furniture with. He's me. He is 100% me. He's what everyone imagines me being and exactly what I am. Out, out, out. Okay, stop, stop, put it down, put it down, put it down. Yeah. Okay. Do you have anyone else who can help you move? All right. But as they're doing that, Admoral Bad Guy gets the call to fire up destiny, right? But just that moment, the hacker kid hacks hackily.

He's like project destiny dot net Hacking mother of others So I might sign up for green chef. All I mean Also, there's this that my favorite like nonsense speakers in this scene because they're rushing to get the nukes in place and she goes, drop in three, five seconds. I just wanted one of them to be like, do you mean 35? Is that what you mean? Say numbers normally. It's kind of important.

I also love that the way he hacks into destiny, by the way, is to reroute all the power from their super secret Alaska facility to Coney Island from Alaska. And earlier in the movie, they described this as they would need to like get all the power from the entire half of the United States and divert it to the destiny project. So he just shot all the power from half the US into Coney Island. So Brooklyn just blew up. Brooklyn knew what New York City is gone. Oh see what I was picturing is like a Ferris wheel just going super fast. You a fucking fidget spinner.

What the fuck was that? Oh, dude, I went on the fucking cyclone today. It was amazing, bro. Amazing. The gravity was so much faster. All right. So they dropped the second new. Can they drop the third and now Stanley, to Giannara, and I have to get the last one ready. But at that

moment, the ship gets hit by an energy flare. What? Yes. So she only has three minutes before she can check the compartment. And we have this ridiculous moment where like the air and at card is being pinned by the bomb and silly two just like, okay, I'm going to leave you. Okay. And then the ship shifts and now Stanley Tucci is pinned by the very same bomb in the air in that car. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a rabbit season. Stanley Tucci might as well turn the camera and be like, oh, what a mess this is. Oh, it's so bad. It's just, I'm stuck. You have to leave me here. Do it. Oh, seconds later.

No, I am stuck. You have to leave me here. Yeah. Like two of them both wanted out of this movie or something. Crest of a Shakespeare triangle, right? You get it. You get it. So Aaron, I can't lease them, but right before he does, they realize they, they, they're

off on their calculations. All the numbers that they yelled in this movie, they couldn't yell the right numbers there. They need to find a way to increase the power from the last nuclear bomb. So so silly, too. She's like, dude, this is like dying moment. He's like, use the use the fuel rods from the our ship that powers our ship. Use the fuel rods to make the nuclear bomb bigger and then just tape a few rods to the bomb.

He's ducked. Dr. What? A duck? Where am I going to get a duck and suddenly the bathroom flushes and the duck in a spacesuit comes out. Sorry. I was just moaning my good friends. I've been in the movie the whole time. As it go. I'm

David Duck. Got several ducklings waiting at home for me. What? kind of insurance you working with. Ah, don't say flat. So now he's got to pull the okay, because you know how if you put radioactive material near a nuclear bomb, that totally counts, right? Like, it's like a dirty bomb. They're gonna give the Earth's core lymphoma.

That's the plan now. So he has to go get the fuel rods. Now at first, he thinks he can just put a chain through him and pull the rods out, but the chain melts. Doesn't change colors when it does, which is interesting. But then he's like, Oh, well, if the chain doesn't work, I will just use my hands. Cause you know, he's wearing gloves. And he's like, how we hot.

Yes. I need some, does who has a spatula or tongue? I'm by myself. Who has a fork and tongue? I'm by myself. Who has a fork and a piece of plutonium so I can demonstrate to myself how stupid that fucking was. And again, this movie, this movie is so bad at explaining the stakes that like we can explain it to you like, oh, he's trying to get the rods over to the bum. But this movie never tells you like, oh, he's going to have to do this and shows you a

shot of it. And you just see him being like, ah, oh, oh, oh, and you're like, dude, you got to wait for the crescent roll You got her legs That's not true. I've been there. I've done that that's not true bad example from you This is why you're not having to dress it. Roll see you got to wait in the dough Same thing sure now one of the things that they don't really explain to us is that when you take out the fuel rods, then now they're not going to have enough power to get home. So he has to go back and tell Hillary Swank all the bad news about them not having enough

power to go home. And then they don't fuck which is weird. They so don't fuck. It's a may you see both actors realize that people would fuck right now. Yes. Oh, and Hillary Swank, like does the tiny no shake head. And he's like, ah, so you want to what would us do now?

So we should from shake our heads, right? Let's go. We don't want to do. I'm going to go jerk off. Will you watch? You don't have to. You don't have to. You're right back into comedy immediately.

I'm going to get back up. I'm going to get back up right away when I get back up to the crust of the earth. Yeah. So she's like, all right, well, let's see how much time do we have? It's like three minutes till the next bomb, 12 minutes until the whole thing's done. And then we all get killed by the wave of magma, right? Or liquid nickel and iron, whatever the fuck we're in. And he's like, 12 minutes. Okay, so we should we fucking like seven minutes. I mean, I don't want to get done early because it'll be awkward if I'm like, oh, that was

amazing. Okay. Now we have four minutes left. Do you want to like DJ for a little bit over here? I can do some sit ups. If that's like a short version of stairway to heaven, because normally, I got that's okay. But just then Aaron has an idea. He's like, Hey, what if I, what if I string together a bunch of science words? You know how the Obtanium can convert heat to energy? Sure. No, I not, man.

We were super clear about what this thing can and can't do. Shut up, Hillary. The movie's almost over. I mean, ideas to save us. Yeah, lower stuff into my field division. I'm painting him. That'll do it. Thank you. It turns out this ship is just like a giant solar cell. We just didn't mention that until now. It feels weird that we brought fuel. Yeah. until now, we were that we brought fuel. Yeah, except if we knew that. What are we being dropped into?

Oh, the thing we could use for fuel? We are. I'll consider it. How high are we being dropped from? 40 feet? Not going to do it. Let's get a hoax up to 80 feet. We have many clean coal that we could use.

All right. So then we cut back to Stanley Tucci. He's waiting for the bomb to explode just desperate for this movie to be over. And he's he's doing another model into his recording device. Like, and now I will soon blow up. So I guess check out patreon.com slash toge magooch. That's so then we get a 2G explosion girls one cup. Oh nice. Nice. When I think about you, I toge myself. And by the way, the explosion effects for inside the earth are fucking nonsense. Oh, the best. It is, you can see the argument that took place. All right, what does an explosion look like?

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't, if you move your hands, I'm going to punch right with God damn throat. Are you just making a noise? Okay. If you move your hands, I'm going to punch right with God in front of you. You're just making a noise. Okay. Didn't think I'd say this, the hands were better. Yeah.

All right. But their plan worked here. Earth's score is spinning once again. We cut back to a mission control and they all clap. Yeah. And they're like, they yell a bunch of stuff like, ah, worked. The core is spinning again. We've got full rotation. But one guy, one extra was like, killing. And he kept it. Here's the best. All right. So meanwhile, Aaron and Hillary are

hidden pipes with wrenches as fast as they can. They, it's amazing. It's like when you give a little kid like one of those Fisher price tool sets and it goes over and you're like, what are you doing, buddy? He's like, I'm making a spaceship powered by a magma on your, yeah, you are. Yep. Sure are. You want some help? Smash in the wires into the wall with your hammer.

That's literally what they do. He's like, yep, if we just plug the ship into itself, the heat becomes electricity because we want to. And the exact voltage that we need. It's going to be great. That's literally how they do it. They plug the wires into the wall. You see because the

unempty him can convert. But when you say plug, it's smash next. Yes. Yes. Just boom. There. It's all right. Yeah. But they get this shit moving right before the explosion gets there. They have to explosion surf their way out. I'm thinking to myself, wow, I sure hope there's no diamonds on the way back out of the earth, huh? Also back up top we're getting worldwide earthquakes. That's the earth healing itself. Nothing to worry about. It's just like what you use alternative medicine. I feel like this movie is ignoring how many people a giant earthquake would kill a world wide earthquake. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of places aren't really prepared for that, but okay. Yeah, so they have to write out the lava flows.

We cut now to 16 hours later. We're supposed to believe that after having been awake now for whatever 34 hours, she just spent 16 hours like hauling ass through tubes, cutting right, cutting left. I wanted them to still be yelling, but like all tired, and then 16 hours. It's been a while. I'm still going. I was, it's kind of petty that they cut that. It's like, all right, at 16 hours to this

movie, just like how much you really do say to the lot there to show us the fucking thing. At this point, come on. And by the way, again, the suspense they're giving is, can she drive the ship, drive you enough? We can't see what's happening. They're in the earth, right? I mean, the magma sharks are like pointing her in the resurrection. Like they made friends with them earlier, right? Didn't they? And just as they almost get to the, she's gonna go through two tectonic plates, but they close the tectonic plates, close right in front of us. Those things move, uh, centimeter a year or two. It's pretty quick, but they're like flying back for the like, contra video game like

round, round, round. Little little sign flips to close on the front of the Titanic plate. Oh, damn it, man. You guys are still in there. It's one place again. It was like the diamonds. No, but the computer nerd like types in hack diamonds and a good guy diamond wedges itself between

the plates and holds it open and tossed crown affairs briefcase. Yeah, but it's okay, but their command center loses contact with them. but four hours later, they're farted hour hours later. Four hours. Luke, now we've cut from 16. Now we're going to cut to four hours later. They're farted out by an underwater geyser, just them. No, lava, you know, it was a selective volcano. It was really like a sphincter of the earth kind of, it was a wrecked solids from its liquids. It's a retrograde eruption. And now we're going to die, which is amazing, right? Because they just did the we're going to die. See, and you can see both actors being like, I'm so sorry, is this a second tape?

No, this is, sorry, you're telling me that this is, you know, I already have an Oscar, right? I have an Oscar. And now I'm here. And this is the second we're going to die scene. Cool. Cool. Pretty nice.

Happy birthday to a Cheshanian war criminal. Okay. She did do that. She's saying happy birthday. I'm going to have more fun dying on the side of a stool with a neck. So, all right. And then sometime later, because they're like, oh, you know, we don't have any energy now because we're not in the lava and there's no heat anywhere else.

And so now we're just going to have to sit at the bottom of the ocean and die. And then we cut to an aircraft carrier where they've taken nerd kid with them apparently to go look for these people, right? Because he was a major character. But he's in jail for sabot touch in the army. Is he not one would think, well, they don't know. Remember, because he don't know. He's a rap scallion pong when they came over. Yeah. So, but this is where they're like,

okay, they can't communicate with them. They don't have enough radio power, but they do have enough power to flirt with the whales and the kid figures it out So now the whales will point them to where the ship is Because they get a phone call and the ship is like who's on the phone is like oh, it's the whales. They want you know Wait, is that what they said? You're not doing a thing where you're like trying to create drama, right? They said to say it back to me. Oh, well, then just be like, yes. So they figure out the whales must be point like, you know, they might as well just look

over the fucking side of the aircraft carrier and say, what's that? Shemu? Timmy's down a well, but they they follow the fucking whales. And then that allows them to pull Aaron Eckhart and Hillary Swank to safety. I want it so bad for them to open up their stupid fucking ship. And they both got killed from getting dragged up all of a sudden. They just like the bands shit, shit, shit, did not think of that. Okay, well, purple hearts. All right.

Yeah, so they have a little pillow talk on the way up and they're like, hey, you know what pisses me off? This was a really awesome movie and no one will know about it because it's not very good marketing-wise. We should end the movie with nerd kid telling everyone in the world about our secret mission because then he will have served some kind of function in the script. Well, he is wearing a hat when he goes

into that internet cafe, so no one will ever know that punch in Judy Dolls, the one. He has the entire internet. Also they, they fucking mentioned deep dish pizza here. Oh, right. Yeah. That's the fun thing he wants when he gets back down. When I get, I'm going to get some deep dish. Fuck you. Fuck this movie. Like it's not even, it's not even funny at this point. It's just like sad and obnoxious that we're even discussing. It's like fucking climate change to Niers. Fuck all of it. That's...

You know what? Just one disaster movie I want a realistic moment where it's like, what are you gonna do when you get back to the surface? Cheat on my wife, like a bunch. Because I'm the guy who saved the world. So I'm literally gonna walk up to everyone I see and be like, Hey, you'd be dead if it wasn't for me. Put a finger in it. Come on.

Come on. You know the rules now too. So yeah, so they, but they send the kid off with a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a secret documents, you can tell because it says secret documents on the front and a hot pocket. And he's off to tell the world all about their secret mission. And of course, since there's now a claim of it on the internet, everyone knows it's true. Oh, when they first announced that plan like right before they get out of their thing,

they're like, all right, we're gonna expose the US government, right? We're gonna do it. I wanted them to just drop right back into the water and be like, Oh, my God. Hot mics. It's hot mics. Oh shit. It is on us. Do you want to have sex now?

What if I killed a bunch of my own people with seren gas? All right, that's your thing. All right, then we pan out. He's told the world the truth now. And we pan out with a picture of Earth. It's spinning, see, spinning. It's fine now. The world is fine. It's fine.

So I guess the only real question left to ask as we close this one off is, which was worse, the scripture the wig. Oh, I've got to go with script scripts. Yep. All right, we're agreed. Also one other quick, just like maybe a favor to ask of you guys, could next month's movie theme for the bonus episode be really short movies?

Yeah. theme for the bonus episode be really short movies. Yeah, bad movie that's really short under commercial. They're mostly secular. It should be easy to find a good one. All right, so with commercials to look forward to, we're going to bring bonus episode number 29 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all of you for helping make the show go. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on moviesagemail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of PA Drittoros. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Rice Lett and I can be able to draft some bars.

And all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this month. For Heath and Ray D, live Boston, I'm an illusionist, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next month. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. So thanks again for giving us a check your life this month for Heathen right now. I'm an illusions promise to work hard to earn another chunk next month until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Aaron Eckhart and Hillary Swank shared a deep dish pizza, but it was way too doughy. They ended up all bloated and sick.

They still fucked, but it was gross and they never shined to fight that again. There you go. Aaron Eckhart, we long to get really pissed off when people didn't recognize him at the 7-11. Patreon.com, forward slash stan by me. Slash, I love Tutu. Slash, Tuted by an Angel. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in month along with the other 29 bonus episodes we've already recorded, just check out patreon.com-slash-godawful. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got visions of sugar plums dancing in my head and I think it's because I smoked some mistletoe.

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