Going Deep with Chad and JT - EP 177 - Comic Craig Conant Joins

Episode Date: March 10, 2021

What up Stokers, this week we have comic Craig Conant on the pod. He's a hilarious dude and an inspiration.  Sign up for new merch here: http://www.shopcgd.com​​​​​​ Sponsored by Manscaped: Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code GODEEP20 at Manscaped.com. If you wanna trim your pubes during a contagion.

Oh Yes strap on the can slap my ass and tell me it's Thursday What's up stokers of Stoke Nation? This is Chad Kroger coming in with the Going Deep with Chad and JT podcast. Guys, before we begin, I want to remind you once again that we are brought to you by Manscaped. Manscaped, thank you so much for keeping our trims pubed, for looking after our hogs, for making sure that our dongs are looking fresh and clean because um well first off i'm wearing this shirt manscape it says we save balls and this is to for testicular cancer awareness

and so i think you can get this on manscapeped too. I'm pretty sure some of the proceeds go to testicular cancer prevention and treatment. And also just remember to check your nuts, guys. Do you guys check your nuts? Does your doctor? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I fiddle with them. Nice. What do you mean you fiddle with them? Just, you know, squeeze them, stretch them out. Yeah, I do that too. You squeeze them? You guys stretch your balls?

I play with them all day. Yeah, I flap them forward flap them back. I got big grandpa balls. My balls I got big balls. Gravity's just dragging them closer and closer to the floor every day. That's nice. That's fantastic. Is that good? No. I don't think that's good, right? Yeah, but I don't think that's indicative of anything. I think it's just indicative of large balls. It's hot out, too. So I think they're stretching more from the body because it's hot. They really do stretch. And they get low when you age.

They have stretchy days and they have tight days. I saw some long balls at the YMCA as a young lad. Sure. And it still burns in my brain. I was like, wow. They hung like a... To the floor. Yeah brain I was like wow they hung to the floor they hung a good

4 to 6 inches I think YMCA generally of all the gyms has the lowest hanging points on average yeah you get tighter nut sacks at Gold's Gym you get some tight sacks over there Botox balls to quote Dave Chappelle.

And also, so, guys, it's March, so do you fill out your bracket? Yeah, fill out your bracket for basketball. I don't because I don't know anything about it, but if you do, get on it. And also, Manscaped has precision engineer tools for your family jewels, and it will help you turn that Kentucky Wildcat in your pans into a South Carolina game cock Yeah, so use code go deep 20 minutes give it calm to get 20% off plus free shipping Okay, I'm here with my compadre John Thomas. What a boom clap Stokers and we're here with mr.

Lucy goosey himself. Yeah, brother the very talented hilarious comic Craig Conant. Thank you. Welcome to the pod. Thank you. That's what we were- Oh, that's nice. I don't know. He stuck his hand out. I was playing you out, but I'm glad you sealed the deal. I didn't know what to do.

Thanks for having me, guys. I fucking love you guys. Love you too, man. Love you too, man. It's been a minute. So you moved to Redondo. How's Redondo? It's the best goddamn decision.

I have an ocean view, man. You came. I came through. I have an ocean view, man. You came. I came through. Yeah. You both came. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man.

The beach. I was just eating cereals and my bare feet standing on the grass. You know, we talked about that. Was that Audrey Stewart really kite surfing? No. It was a man. I was like, because you're like, you're like, Audrey Stewart kite surfing. I was like, oh, fuck, dude. Is that really?

She has a bit about how she has kite surfing arms. Oh, okay. So I just took her to Minnesota. She opened for me. Yeah, yeah. And that's why I was like, hey, it's Audrey Stewart. It's just an inside joke. But a lot of people are like, really?

That's really? Yeah, I thought that was her just like, he had the video of someone just like ripping kite surfing. And he goes, Audrey Stewart kite surfing. I was like, oh fuck. Yeah. She's probably good. Yeah. She's probably good.

Yeah. She'll fuck us up. She's awesome. She's the best. I love her. Really good hang. Yeah. What was it like going on the road with her?

Was it fun? Oh, I'll never take her again. No, I'm just kidding. No, she's the best. She kills and we had a good time. Yeah. And all the shows were good. Usually I might have one stinker, but we were six for six. Nice. And no, yeah and uh all the shows were good usually i might have one stinker but we were

six for six nice and uh no yeah she's the best she's so funny she's blowing up and is going to blow up even bigger i think she's hilarious i thought that the moment i saw her i was like oh she's got like yeah star quality yeah yeah she sticks out and we're both uh you know we did we're both growlers we're just a lot of growling in the hotel room. Just a lot of noise. Right, right. I can see that. Like caveman talk.

Right. She's just like a good person, too. She sort of oozes that from the stage. Just a sweet soul. Yeah. Hollywood hasn't corrupted her yet. Not yet. Get her five to ten years later, she's like,

fucking bushwhacker. What? I don't know. Manscaped. Yeah, that's my poof on that. Spoof. You're goof. Well, we...

You do. You were one of the first truly kind of comics I saw that was crushing. Because I used to do bringer shows. And for the audience that doesn't know, bringer shows, it's like when you're starting as a comic to get stage time. They're like, bookers will be like, oh, you can bring 10 friends. You'll get like 10 minutes. So I did a bringer show and then this is at malo yeah the taqueria yeah the taqueria and you came on and you just had your like your your you just seen i know you're still only like a year or two in but you seem so polished so early on well Well, thank you, man. Yeah. Yeah, I just, I don't know, I got lucky.

I think I just found my thing, and I got pretty good at it pretty quick, and I was very, very fortunate. I also was fortunate to look and sound like this. So when I do fuck up, it's still funny, you know? Right, right. So thank God for that, because I got thin skin, and some comics bombed for like two straight years. And I'm like, I would have killed myself. Like, I can't handle that, you know. And thank you.

Yeah, I don't know. I just, I took some classes and it helped me out a lot because I had no idea what I was doing. Yeah. I had no idea. And then I just talked about what I knew and that was Trader Joe's drugs and sobriety. And you famously were fired from Trader Joe's for farting on your manager. Yeah. Yeah, that's fantastic.

How did it happen? He farted on him a lot, though, right? Yeah. Why did it happen this time? Because he told me what to do no that's in the bit so in the bit i said i fart on this manager because he told me to stock bread i'm like you stock the bread ezekiel i'm fucking produce bitch you know um and i say he doesn't even know the skew to a dianne jupe you know but in real in life, I did fart on my homie, and he's my buddy.

My manager were my fans and friends. We were homies. And, like, my manager that fired me literally went to my show Saturday and fired me Tuesday. Like, it wasn't – it was – I filmed the fart. I posted it on the Internet. It went a little viral, a little baby bit. And it was enough that corporate saw it.

And they're like, hey, get this kid out of here. And now my man. So he didn't want to fire you. No, he didn't. We were both almost crying. I say this a lot, but it was like of mice and men. When Lenny has to snuff out his brother. Yeah, when he kills George.

And he's just like, I got to fire you. And it was also funny. Or George kills Lenny. I don't remember. I think George kills Lenny. You got to remember. I think George Kills Lenny. You got to give him, okay. You're going to let me play with the rabbits, George. Yeah.

Yeah, you're going to play with the rabbits. Oh, no. And then, oh, he was reading me the, you know, the corporate script. It's like, it's been brought to my attention that you've been filming. And I'm like, fool like fool like i tagged you in it you shared it you know what i mean obviously i didn't write him i'm and uh i'm just joking he's yeah so i didn't name him anyways uh he yeah we're friends everything's fine it was the best thing that ever happened in my career which is silly and weird and ironic and i say it on stage too i'm

like a fart was my catalyst that catapulted me because then i started doing stand-up full-time with no day job and as you know i had a day job and stand-up you too man i remember you hustling to surf yeah surf lessons yeah that was so funny always a hustler that that always uh that's some of my favorite times is the hustling yeah that's what i miss about like pre-covid days is when you're just going to shows and mics and i remember you were always like i have to get up at like 6 a.m to like stop bananas yeah but i i just i love that just that being in that grind it's sort of like because you really feel like you're working for your dream. It was fun It wasn't miserable because you're exhausted you're working two jobs

But it was fun and every every famous fuck I've ever talked to ever they always say You'll look back on that and that'll be your best time. Yeah, and I'm like no This is hell. This is the trenches war, you know? Yeah. And then you finally get out of there. You're like, oh, you're right. Like that was, that's the shit you talk about. Like the taco shop. Do and bring your shows in the taco shop. Yeah, I ran a show at Malo for a couple years. That was a good venue.

It was. It was great shows. Electric little rooms. Little shoe boxes. So didn't Kevin Schmoll, our friend Kevin, he represented you against Trader Joe's. Kevin Fard. Yeah, and he found, I think his argument was that Craig had been farting on his managers forever, so why the arbitrary precedent? Condonation.

He'd always leave me this voicemail going, say it loud, condonation. This is what's going to win it. And then he did. He fucking won it for me. Yeah. Wow. Because I was denied unemployment. Yeah.

And this was when I had no career. I mean, I wasn't making money from stand-up, but a little bit, a couple hundred a month. And then I was like, fuck. And then I was like, I can't really pay you. And he's like, it's all right. Just tag me on Instagram and get me some followers. I was like, all right.

And then he won. I bought him breakfast, got Just tag me on Instagram and get me some followers. I was like, all right. And then he won. I bought him breakfast, got him maybe 12 followers. Nice. And called it a day. Yeah. He's a good guy. He's a great guy. I love that dude.

I really get annoyed with him, but I like him a lot. Yeah, I want to punch him all the time, but I still love him. He's very intense. He's intense in the way that he deeply cares about stuff and about helping you out. But the way he goes about it sometimes, you're just like, it'll get you. Yeah. But I love him. I love him.

Yeah. But I mean, in this instance, he did pro bono work. He won the case for you. He's a good guy. He was. And he loves to fight. But you need a guy like that. You know what I mean?

He loves to argue. That's why he's my lawyer. He's so perfectly suited for that. We had him on here, and he has stories about where he'll go through DUI checkpoints intentionally to see if the cops over-pursue him. And then he'll, because he's a DUI attorney, he'll chop them down with the procedure that he knows. Oh, that's so fun. Until he gets shot.

He's like, you're right. But how about this? Dang. You still fart a lot, right? I do. I just, I don't know. I can't help it. When did you know farting was like, you were good at it?

I've always been good at it. I'm a half Mexican, man. Like, we just, we rip, my whole family rips, even the white side. You think it's a Mexican thing? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, it's worldwide, but they excel at it a little bit more, I would say. Do you fart in front of your lady?

Mm-hmm. Could you date someone who didn't like that you fart? No, it's over. I fart at least the first or second date. Really? That soon? Yeah. Weed them out.

Nice. You can't hang. What did she do when you first farted in front of her? I farted in front of her the first day we ever met, yeah. What'd she do? Did she say anything? I think, oh, my God. But she laughed?

Oh my god. I was like, yeah, this is who I am. Like, what do you want? How did you guys meet? At a show, Laugh Factory. Nice. And you guys are living together now, right? Yeah.

It's the first woman I've ever lived with in my life. How's that? I'm scared, man. She's here. She's listening. She'll here. She's listening. She'll know. It's different. Oh, no.

She's so sweet and kind. And I couldn't have asked. We have a great home. I've never met her. Maurice says she's great, though. Yeah. And Maurice, he won't lie. He's a tough guy.

No, he's an honest Chicago. I've been dating girls before, like back in the day. And then I'd be like, Joe, yeah, me and this girl, we're going to go to, like, the museum today. He's like, I think that should be about done. I'd be like, why? I don't see you working out. Yeah. I'm like, she's cool.

He's like, yeah, I guess. But I think it should be done after this. I think we're about done with that. Yeah. She asked me what Joe Eats was. I mean, get rid of her. Go watch Joe Eats. When did you first meet Joe?

Oh, Jesus. When I met you, I think. Same time? Around at that apartment Super Bowl party off of Point. That was the first time you met Maurice? I mean, I've seen him around. I've always seen y'all around, but that was the first time I remember being friends. That was like seven years ago, man.

That wasn't like yesterday. He has the Falcons, Patriots one. Damn, this guy's got a good memory. So that was like four or five years ago. That's it? Yeah. Okay. We had Wood Ranch, because I remember you came in and you polished off some ribs.

Do you eat ribs? I do, but I don't remember any of that. I got a good memory. How many toothpicks am I holding? I've got a goldfish memory. I don't remember anything. I don't remember shit. He's like, yeah, you were wearing vans. I'm like, I was? That's all I wear.

I remember you doing surf lessons. I was like, oh, fuck. I forgot I used to Well, that's why you were like, I remember you doing surf lessons. I was like, oh, fuck. I forgot I used to do that. Yeah, we were supposed to go hang out with like an old buddy. And then Chad was like, I don't remember this person. I was like, we're all friends. He's like, I got no memory. I was like, they texted me.

I was like, who the fuck is this? I feel bad sometimes. You know, they're like, I partied at your house. You know. Well, did you always have a bad memory? Key word. Did you always have a bad memory or is it from the drug use, you think? I think it's just from partying.

I have a weird memory. I have like selective memory. Like I'll remember some random shit. Like I remember picking you up for San Diego and you came with the bullet bourbon coffee. What's that called? Bulletproof. Yeah. And then. Bullet coffee. Yeah. Bulletproof. you out for San Diego and you came with the bullet bourbon coffee what's that called bullet yeah and then and but bullet coffee yeah I would get that

little weird things like that key butter and then it's got then you'll they'll be like yeah you were at my wedding you gave my sister away to the you know did whatever a big moment I'm like what joy did you mess with you did paint and stuff okay no that was a joke I mean I probably huffed some shit in my time whatever a big moment i'd be like what drugs did you mess with you did paint and stuff paint no that was a joke i mean i probably huffed some shit in my time but that was dust off and don't do this shit kids yeah don't do it uh no i was of course a stoner number one then i got uh which weed is fine we'd save my life but then alcohol and then pills pharmaceuticals i love fucking vicodins and oxys in that world opioids and then a little cocaine i just i was a party

animal it's just like what do you got okay that's what we're doing you know e molly shrooms acid i i could never really picture you out of control though. Like. Well, because you met Silver Craig. I know. I know. It's hard for me to imagine a Craig who. Let me show you my mug shots. Yeah, Craig who's just like destroying shit. Yeah.

Well, it wasn't all. I wasn't. It wasn't always nuts, Craig. Like I was actually talking with an old homie where he was just like, there was a point where like I couldn't hang out with you anymore. He was like, ah, well, Craig's coming out tonight. You know, it was a wild fucking maniacal. Interesting.

It was like too much for them to juggle. Yeah. It's because I didn't have standup yet and I was addicted to the laugh and or adrenaline. Same thing, really. And I was chasing that by any means necessary through chaotic behavior, self-destructive behavior. I went through that, too. Insane, whatever.

It didn't matter. It's like, I'll do it. When I was doing stand-up, I went through that. And then I'd be like, oh, good you said about it. And if people laugh, that means I'm okay. Yeah, but that's not a healthy way to live. No, it's not sustainable. I mean, you've seen my act from the beginning.

I did a bit about throwing firecrackers at police on horses. You know, like that happened. Like, yeah, don't do drugs, you know? So how did weed save your life? Just to get off narcotics and alcohol. Those are the true poisons. It was a nice bridge. Anything that's natural that God puts on this earth for you, like musheys and weed,

I have no quarrel with. Just have fucking chemical shit. And then alcohol, in my opinion, is the worst because that, everyone says weed's a gateway drug. It's like, no, it's booze. No one smokes weed and then says, oh, I'm gonna smoke meth. That's a drunk decision.

That's a shit house. You're like, oh, let me see that little bubble pipe over there. Just turn that that too dark okay we're doing it no you're good how did how did you go to aa or any of that stuff your program you do you still do the program no i've i've i stopped but you're good though you're still sober kind of yeah nice i've never told anyone this but about maybe five days ago, I smoked some weed and ate some weed. Oh, you did?

Five days ago? Yeah. How'd it go? How long of a stretch did you... I had seven years, nothing. Not one drop of nothing. How did it feel? It was good, man.

I loved it. Yeah. Do you think you're going to keep doing it? I don't want to bring it down, but it was... No, it's not bad. It was Eric Myers' pass, and I was like, i had too many things too many dark days you know i had covid then my uncle passed then my homie passed and then i got all these uh freebies from a show and they're just calling my name and it had been calling me a while especially during

the pandemic because i was like well if there's any drug made for a pandemic it's fucking marijuana you know and then I just uh drank 75 uh milligrams of liquid THC that's strong that's a lot right and then I thought I was gonna trip balls but it was fucking heaven and then I woke up and I ate another five milligrams and then i ate another five milligrams after that and then i hit another five milligrams and uh i'm an addict yeah i was like i can't leave well enough alone this is like my sixth cup of coffee today i'm just doing coffee today but i'm on like you know it's just like once i get that feeling i chase it yeah i was like 10 hours into weed and I was 90 milligrams deep and I'm like Jesus Christ and It felt good yeah, you enjoyed it I did but I I've never actually publicly said it just because I inspired so many people to be sober but keep in mind

I did seven years of nothing. Did you feel a lot of pressure? Once you got some notoriety to like be the sober guy still? Yeah. Well, I will never drink and do narcotics again. Like... Yeah. I have some note. Like I'll never do Adderall again.

California sober, I guess is the nickname. Oh, that's what they call it? Yeah. I don't know if it's official, but it's just... But this is all new. Like this, you know, this may have been a week now, but... So you're still kind of processing where you're at on it yeah i'm trying not to go uh full force like how i used to be yeah resist

you got this yeah i i grapple with this stuff too because i've been in saa sex addiction yeah and i you know i gave up porn for a long time but now i watch some of it again and i try to and for a year i did a good job i never watched watched more than 30 minutes in a week. I capped myself at that. And then when the pandemic started, I started going harder on it. And I was living with my mom, and we're very candid with each other. And I was like, Mom, I think I'm going to start watching porn again. She's like, whatever you have to do, the fucking world's on fire.

She's like, if you jack off, jack off. And then, so I just started wailing on myself. You whacked that monkey, honky. I got the green light from my mom and i was like all right i'm going bananas on this thing but i was like seven months sober of everything for a while before then but i do wonder sometimes like i love the program i think those things save lives they save they save my life i cannot speak highly enough about 12 step programs and it for sure and uh you know had i not have seven years of straight sobriety of nothing,

not one drop of THC, fucking booze, nothing, I felt safe, like, dabbling with that. I'm still scared. Like, you know, 10 hours in, I was 90 milligrams deep. I'm like, that's not normal. It wasn't satiating you yet? You were like, I got to keep pushing. No, I just straight up was sad, and I was just like, it's not a you weren't normal. It wasn't satiating yet. You were like I got to keep no I just want I just straight up was sad and I was just like I don't want to feel this anymore

I'm sorry, man. It's okay. It worked though. Yeah. Yeah, I loved him. He's my homie. It can work Yeah, yeah, I was doing a lot of mushrooms. I've been sad I've been doing a lot of mushrooms for like the last fucking helps man, but keep in mind You got to know bad shit. You's got to be a balance the yin and the yang or whatever the fuck you know you you can't eat mushies every day you can't eat edibles every day you can't you know other than snoop dogg and joey diaz you know yeah there's some guys can some guys can do it that's like two percent yeah but joe rogan's not even like a stone or stone like he's for sure smokes weed but I can guarantee he's not smoking from the moment before he

brushes his teeth to the moment he passes out. He does it almost for his arm. Yeah. He's an appropriate stoner and that's like where it's at. I just don't know if I could do that because I'm fucking glutton and it's just like, ah, you know? Do you think as you get older, maybe it gets easier to like naturally kind of slow down? Because like when you're in your twentiess, you have so much testosterone.

And I do feel now I'm 33 that I have like, I don't push. And I'm also medicated for like bipolar stuff. And I meditate now and work. I'm healthier overall. But I still, I don't have that. I still have like a drive to push the envelope, but not as far as I used to want to push it. Absolutely. It's a healthier line.

It's like, yeah, it's fun and it's exciting, you gotta keep life interesting, but you're like, wait, I don't wanna destroy everything I've built. And yeah, as you get older, you're just kinda done. You just eliminate the bullshit. You're just like, ah, that person's not worth it. That gig's not worth it.

You're not worth my energy i can't like this shit's hard enough i gotta look out for myself yeah yeah if you're not bringing love and joy to this table get the fuck out there's more at stake too yeah when you're young you're kind of like you feel like it's your time to let loose but then when you get a little bit older you're kind of like I did that yeah and I can't afford to even get close to that again yeah

I didn't drink for like three years and then I got back into it and then I was just sort of like experimenting with it but even then I was kind of like it's just very in and out I saw that and i was slightly worried but i also wasn't you know i was like i was just like oh fuck yeah but i was like nah he's got his shit together enough now i don't think it's gonna go too dark yeah did it uh i think during corona

a little bit a little bit i don't i don't think it ever got well the whole fucking world went dark on that shit like dude in the beginning i was going nuts well I'm just like it's more just like sad yeah, cuz I'm just like alone So no one sees yeah, but that could be the worst. I know yeah, I'm just like sitting there just like Just sitting there watching there like I'm fucked up watching platoon crying He's very nice, but I but you can you're you're this you're like a melancholy comes through right yeah yeah i think uh yeah i just uh i i'm too sensitive to to handle the ups and downs i think well i just i need to be stoked yeah all the time i'm more like addicted

to ice baths now. I took a cold shower today because of you guys. You inspired me. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Good. I've been on and off. I do them. It's easy to do in summer.

When it's winter, it's like, I don't want to. Yeah. It's fucking cold, man. Yeah. It helps so much. You know what I've found, drawn to is as stand-up has slowly started to come back my uh i was actually good during covid with a lot of my like vices like i didn't drink much smoke much pot whatever but then as stand-ups come back i find out it kind

of brings that demon out of me a little bit more and hanging out with stand-ups like just going to open mics and just people are just such you know we romanticize the degenerate so much yeah in this community especially at the like the open mic level you know that i'm like i feel like that i'm like yeah i'll just fucking you know get fucked up today and then go do some sets and it's uh thank god i'm still terrified of getting fucked up in stand-up because that that i'll just show up baked and be like i don't know how it would go yeah right i'm terrified of it i i like doing it fucked up for some reason yeah yeah kind of gets me out of my head but i i used to be too dependent on i'll do adderall for like every set and just started to like ruin my life so hot damn now i uh that's yeah now i'm just like hey like one out of

every four yeah i don't do adderall but i'll be stoned or adderall it didn't i mean you know it's speed right yeah oh yeah i would love that shit um i remember when i first tried to get sober i went to this doctor and i was like and he tried to give me that i'm like are you nuts like i love that shit yeah he's like this i hope you focus and get your life together i'm like i that's sweet you chop it up you taste it i'm just like that's what thank god i walked out which was i regretted later but was thank god i did i was like yeah that's why i left finals during school because i'm like oh this is an excuse to take 12 adderall yeah and play rage against the machine as loud as i can yeah while i'm studying.

That's what I would do. People would be like, when I lived in a dorm, they're like, dude, what the fuck is going on? And I'm like, I'm studying for econ. You just got a book. You're like, I'm gacked up, man. It's like killing in the name of, for like the 15th time,

like full volume with bass. Oh God, I love Rage Against the Machine. I think with Adderall, I knew I had a problem when I transitioned from just eating the pill to crushing it up and snorting it. Yeah. Oh, God, I love Rage Against the Machine. I think with Adderall, I knew I had a problem when I transitioned from just eating the pill to crushing it up and snorting it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Once you're snorting stuff up your nose, you're like, all right, I got to.

You're like, I have a problem. This is an ugly thing I'm doing. This is bad. I did it to be better at my job, and it did help for a while. I had to be kind of hard on people at my job, and I couldn't do it sober. I was just too sensitive. I didn't feel like I had the self-esteem to be hard on people, basically. Then I take an Adderall, and I kick down the door, and I'm like do it sober. I was just too sensitive I didn't feel like I had like the I didn't have like the self-esteem to be hard on people basically Then I take an Adderall like kick down the door and I'm like fix this

Then everyone's like that's that's the part we need right now It works so good, that's like the problem too good So I was I was a licensed realtor at one point And I passed my license and it was Adderall. I just took Adderall and read the book, fucking passed that shit. But see, it's making us good at this stuff we're not supposed to be doing. Like, you don't need it for stand-up because you're meant to be doing stand-up. But you as a real estate agent is a hard one to picture.

It's also in my act. Do you have that same hair? Yeah. I say, like, I was a licensed realtor. I sold one house. It was my mother's. Oh, nice. It's a true story.

And then I bought five. I made $5,000 and I bought a pound of OG Kush and a record player. And then I just listened to records and smoked weed until my license expired. Nice. And then I got into standup. That's cool. And that's a true story. That's amazing.

Weren't you on an MTV dating show? Which MTV dating show? I was-up. That's cool. And that's the true story. That's amazing We're showing an MTV dating show which MTV I'm next MTV's next is the one like they had like five people on a bus and then they would come off one by one Yeah, and there was like one person you were trying to woo. Yeah, and if they didn't like you they were like next Yeah, how long did you wear a fucking one bro? You want? Yeah, did you take them? You could take the money or the date, right? Yeah, that's also in my eye Oh my my ex just my life story So you get a choice of the money or the girl and the director came up to me he's like what would you like I was like I want the money and

Then he's like choose the girl and I'll give you the money and I was like, okay, so I got both But in my act I just like I want the money bro and you know you weren't into the girl no it was she was cool but i needed the money yeah did you did she so you were playing to win yeah nice yeah and how did what was your like uh approach how did you how did you manage to win where the other men had failed or you guys just connected we just connected no i don't know she just uh she liked me you were you were i wore a blazer you were a blazer that was the look i got it at goodwill for like three bucks i was like i'm going on tv i better look sharp so i put on a fucking blazer i never wore a blazer in my life what was that doing i just thought that i was like oh. I wore this shirt and it had a donkey with his hind legs up kicking butt cheeks.

And it said kicking butt. Did you wear that on the show? Did you guys go out again? No, that's the thing too. So I just assumed like it was a whole nother date set up through MTV. And then the show was a wrap. And I was like was like okay when's the next date they're like go get her number that's on you and i was like that's it like you're not you don't do it they provide more love after that no no so i was like i'm so glad i said i want the money yeah we we chatted a couple times and then we just never saw each other again nothing it's just you know she was far and it just fizzled out you you've dated comedians too right yeah how's that what do you think about that it's the best and the worst it's awesome because you understand what exactly what you're you know we're going

through together and then also it's the worst because if you break up then you're on shows together and then they might one thing i, I've dated a couple comedians. One thing like, when I dated one comedian, she told me, she's like, all of us girl comedians talk about like,

which guys we've dated and like, who's bad at sex and like, you know, who's not, all this shit. So every time we had sex,

I felt the pressure. I felt like I was on stage. I was like, I gotta do a good job. Like, the whole, my whole freaking community is gonna hear about this. And she'd be like, yeah, I do a bit about, like, this guy I had sex with.

And then this girl does a bit about, that bit that she does is about that guy she had sex with. And I was like, man, there's a lot at stake here. I really gotta be, like, a solid boyfriend and really bring the wood. I can never show my face at Flappers again. Yeah, I can't go back to Flappers. Everyone's like, par, heard you can't stop premature ejaculating. I'm like, god damn it. Next up, small donk.

I mean, JT. Next up, the rabbit fuck. Yeah. The old one pump chump, JT Par. That's so funny. I'm glad I guess I didn't think about that because I didn't give a fuck. Good.

That's better. Yeah. But did you ever see your exes do bits about you? Mm-hmm. Sometimes it can be cool. Sometimes I like some of the bits that I would hear people do about me. But sometimes it would hurt me. Fortunately, I like both of them, the bits.

Right. And the exes. Yeah, they were good. I've heard one bit. Yeah. I've heard one too. Yeah. I've heard one too, yeah. About you and anal sex, right? Yeah, that's the one I heard, yeah.

I was kind of like jealous. I'm like, dude, he did it. Nice. It seems like such an untameable goal. And she said, and the bit, she says like, so my boyfriend and I broke up, but then he said he was sad that we never did anal sex. I'm sorry for doing your bit.

It's okay. It's not my bit. Oh, it's her bit, right. Or doing your life, I'm sorry. And then she said, so then we had anal sex, and she sad that we never did anal sex i'm sorry for doing your bit it's okay it's not my bit and then or doing your life i'm sorry and then she said so then we had anal sex and she's like i love anal sex so really it's really flattering to you right no i think she says do you guys ever try to break up with your boyfriend and end up having anal sex oh that was that was the polished version that i turned into okay i saw it at the okay yeah in the early stages. I think when I heard

that bit for the first time I was like that's Greg. Why? Nobody wants to break up. It's sad. Yeah. It's sad. It takes about three of them. In your breakups have you normally been like the breaker upper or like has it gone

both ways? Both ways. It's been like the breaker upper or the like has it gone both ways uh both ways it's it's uh every way you know it explodes i've had a girl dump me and then i'm like yes and then they try to get back i'm like nope sometimes that can happen i'm free yeah yeah uh i've broken up and regretted it i've been dumped and it hurt yeah one of each i think i find i've been like a little afraid of like heartbreak lately yeah it hurts bro i'm afraid of it i felt like after i don't know after this shit i was just like i could go through anything after what shit just the world shutting down and everything you love being taken from you. Right. Not everything, but most.

But a lot. Yeah, just like no dodgeball, no stand-up, no touring. Your career's about to take off. You got all these dates. Psych. Stay at home, motherfucker. Go nuts. Yeah.

Yeah, it fucks with you. And then not to mention the pandemic the covid the death the this the that the pressure from all angles yeah just like after 2020 2021 it's like i got thc motherfuckers come at me do you ever do you ever do you ever think like a year if maybe a couple years a few years the line, I'll be sort of like look it back on it and I'll be like, man, I'm glad I went through that pain. Do you sort of have that perspective on it? Or are you kind of like this is still in the sort of like this is horrific? Well, this is horrific, but I do always try to find the silver lining and everything it's like

a loose theme of my podcast yeah and uh as well as just like the the firecracker horse assault thing where i throw the firecrackers at cops like that was the best worst day of my life yeah that got me sober and in a stand-up so like the worst day of my life led to a new life, a rebirth, so to speak. So yes, even though this last time has just been hell for almost everybody, unless you're a fucking billionaire, I do think the silver lining, in my opinion, is just like, well, if I could survive that, I could get through anything. Just to test how strong you are as a human being.

But yeah, you always got to look. It's just about your attitude. You could take away anything, negative or positive. I could have very easily went further down the wrong path. But I was like, no, enough. I'm fucking done. I can't live like this. It's not sustainable.

I was a drug addict, alcoholic loser that lived with his mom with no nothing. So I was like, I got to change. And it just sucks that for some people, I speak for myself, but also just looking at the world, it takes a lot to make people change. I just wish we could see the signs sooner because it's like you don't have to let it go down that dark. Right, right. You could manage it earlier and don't go to Scuzzlebuttville.

Right. Yeah. scuzzle buttville right yeah yeah how do you think how do you think people can can learn that lesson earlier earlier than they seem to um a couple of benders no no yeah i don't know just just just kind of that. Straight up, just try to be awake, be conscious. Just look like. Yeah. I feel like there's so many lessons and so much looking back. I'm like, oh, I should have stopped a decade ago. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But I didn't see it. I was just so blind to it. Yeah. It's like, I got arrested four times. Like, why didn't I get sober the first time? Like, why did it take so much? Yeah. Especially guys, we're it take so much? Yeah.

Um, especially guys, we're just kind of dumb. Yeah. I think, I think a lot of it is sort of the instant gratification kind of world we live in too, where it's like, uh,

it, it, I think it's tougher for people these days to sort of be a little more forward thinking of like, Oh, if I get, if i get hammered tonight and do molly you know it's it's going to be awesome but you know i think that the key with a lot of that stuff is like you know because i like with like vaping and stuff

that's something i'm always like have like a tug of war with you know because i'm like and and now i'm just trying to teach myself to sort of be like you know it'd be cool it'll be cool for like a few hours but then you're going to be nauseous and it's and you just gotta trick that like animal part of your brain that's like dealing with the addiction stuff to be like like no picture the nausea and you and like vaping nicotine right yeah nicotine which i know it's just nicotine but that's one of the most addictive drugs on this planet it's just yeah done studies it's like who even said that i think keith richards famous quote was like i could kick heroin but i couldn't quit quit cigarettes or maybe it's mick it's some rock legend yeah that's crazy yeah it it's tough yeah and i think it's i think that i think the

key or if like with like drinking stuff staying sober it's like yeah it's just sort of being like what kind of person do i want to see myself as in two years and is drinking going to help me get there uh if it's an issue 99.9 of the time i time I'm going to go with no. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know alcohol is just a part of the American fabric. But I mean, you just look at the way it's done and you're like, oh, 90% of you motherfuckers are just raging alcoholics. You just don't even see it. And that's fine.

I was that pretty much my whole life until i finally woke up but it's just funny that we uh almost just ignore that or sweep it under the rug like no yeah everyone drinks 30 beers on a sunday it's football and it's like you know like that's not it's so normal yeah good man it's so normalized It's like, oh, the Sunday scaries. Everyone gets those, you know? Yeah. It's like because you're so hungover and just feeling like shit. It's like, well, you don't have to live that way. You drink water and go on a hike, man.

Yeah. It's like, oh, Monday is the worst day of my life. It's just so accepted in our culture that it's like, that there's certain days where you're just going to feel like shit because you just get bombed. And it's, yeah, that doesn't have to be the case. I remember that corporate lifestyle. You're like, okay, Thursday I can start partying because then I only have to go through one day. Yeah.

Hungover, you know. Yeah. And then starting, it's crazy. Yeah. We're all nuts. There was a while there where i could just party all night and go to work the next day and i felt fine i could do that at a certain age and then i think at like 29 i hit a wall i just pushed too hard and i broke a door open in my head and my my brain was like yeah you're never allowed to do this again yeah there seems to be like a

floodgate that you once once the floodgates get let loose hangover wise you're fucked yeah like if i i don't know we went to a party one time you me and luke hazy i had a four-day hangover i just did booze i remember and cigarettes and i was hungover for four days my head was achy i had like the most fun night of my life what are you drinking frenzy yeah what what causes such a gnarly hangover what was i drinking some cheap shit or just a lot i just drank drank a lot. I was just chugging. Yeah. Chugging and dancing.

Kind of mix in that water. And I don't normally smoke cigarettes. Oh, yeah. But I get why people do it because you get to go outside and take a break from the party and like recharge it. It's like a timeout. Yeah. Get a moment for you and you're like, all right, I'm ready. Let's get back in there.

Yeah. And then you charge back in to, you know, socialize. You guys are ready to talk. It talk it is like yeah what are you doing when you're partying like you're just talking hey how are you yeah yeah there's like a part of you that you need to get out you need to talk more aggressively you need to be more boisterous you need to reveal more you're like all right this is gonna be a fun night i'm gonna talk a lot i'm gonna talk to everybody tonight. Were you on Adderall? Not that night.

I was well past it. This was like two years ago. Okay. A year ago. Time flies. It sure does. Yeah. Wait, so what was your bottom?

Many of things, but I guess I may try to hook up with my cousin at my birthday party. Nice. Was she hot? Yeah. No. What? I may try to hook up with my cousin at my birthday party. Nice. Was she hot? Yeah. No. What? Do you think she's hot?

You know what? That's, and then arrested. I got arrested a bunch. But let's stick with the cousin thing for a while. So what happened? I don't know, man. You don't want to talk about it? Uh-uh. Are you guys still cousins?

Yeah. And then, you know know just enough is enough did your family step in there like dude i've i've been attracted to cousins before it was mostly when i was a virgin and i like you know it was like just like that's when i knew i was like really horny because I was like we're close. I was like we get along. Yeah Yeah Yes, it was a crazy night. Okay, people marry their cousins. I know I just don't know what you can and can't say with this pussy ass fucking culture And I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings to you know. Oh, yeah, you don't want to get your cousin could listen

Yeah, yeah, sorry. Um no, make sure your cousin could listen. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. No, it's all right. It's the truth. Well, I'll just say it all, and let's see if we've got to edit anything. So it was my 29th birthday party. I was on mushrooms, molly. That's what I did on my 29th. Weed and alcohol. Dude, that's when I had my breakdowns on my 29th. I had my bottom on my 29th birthday.

I don't know. I was on a lot of shit no food in my stomach i i fell on my head into the into the bucket of vodka and just pop like just standing like timber i remember like everyone picked me i'm like i'm fine i'm fine just a little little golf ball in the forehead and then i tried to fight uh my sister's friend that was just dancing with her just fun you know i was like don't touch my sister you know just just bad uh i let some gay dude rub my backside down i guess my sisters told me that he went to rub me and i was like no get off me man and he's like no no You're on Molly. It'll feel good. I was like, oh, all right. And then he just gave me a massage.

And then I woke up naked, covered in olive oil in my apartment by myself with no keys to get in. I still don't know how I got in.

And then I was like, I woke up and I was like, oh, man, you gotta get sober. It's time to find God, you know? We've all been there, man. Yeah. That all rings a bell. And and I was like, oh, man, you got to get sober. It's time to find God, you know. We've all been there, man. Yeah.

That all rings a bell. And then I was sober very, very quickly. Within a week or two of that. I had many, many, many, many futile week attempts prior to that. Actually, one of the first seeds that ever planted to get sober, I think it was on mushrooms coming down. I was like, what are you doing? Like, clean your shit up. You're fucking popping pills and snorting shit drinking

and then of course immediately after i came down i went and popped some norcos to feel better because you get a weird little mushroom hangover and i was like you didn't listen anyways that's always tough when you're trying to stop and then you can't a little bit yeah yeah i remember with the webcam porn i'd like deactivate my account and i'd reactivate it and deactivate it reactivate it and i was like it's just demoralizing when you can't i think when you feel like you don't have a grip on something yeah and the previous attempts i think i would go like two days maybe three start to get some optimism going yeah and then i'm like oh fuck this shit i i one time i did molly at a

there's a party in san juan capistrano where i'm from called the swallows day parade it's a huge party everyone goes everyone you grow up with is there and i don't remember this but i was on molly and uh my friends had to break me up in a fight it was me and a guy in a wheelchair oh and i guess what happened is he tried to he he was being rude. He tried to take a seat from my table that I was saving for someone, you know, it's a huge party. So it was like chairs are at a premium. And he's like, Hey, that's my friend's chair. And I was like, no, it's not. And then he was like, give me the chair. And I was like, I'm not giving it to you. And then he's like, I'm a veteran. Like I fought in the war. I was like, I don't give a fuck,

dude. I was like, you're not getting that chair from me, bro. And then he was like, you want to fight? And I stood up and I was like, let's fucking go. Oh, no. And then my friends had to break me up. My brother said he just remembered people came up to him and they're like, Chris, go get JT. He's about to fight a handicapped guy. And then my brother pulled me over and was like, ah.

And then my brother's friend, my friend too, Kat, was there. And I guess I went up to her with vomit on my sweater. And I was like, Kat, let's go hook up. And then she was like, you have vomit all over you. you and i went so what's up what's up let's hook up then she's like no that's disgusting i was like you're crazy and i walked away like disappointed her and i did like such an asshole the whole day that my brother the next day was like some people might tell you you were funny i want you to know it wasn't funny it was bad yeah that's bad man yeah i like that you know you're a true advocate of equality though

that was my thing in my head i was so stupid i was like i'm gonna treat you like anybody else bro and if anyone tried to take my fucking chair from me we're fighting dude yeah i think oh man i think if me and that guy ran into each other we'd be we'd be rock solid at this point yeah a lot of times it's all right I was on Molly too, man. Do you want to answer some listeners' questions? Fuck yeah, bro. Do you want to do an ad first, Chad? Yeah. Guys, I'm interrupting this podcast to let you know once again that we are

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I trim it every so often, but I'm real lazy, and I got the kind that cuts your nut sack up, so that's why I don't do it. Oh, well, dude. Well, dude. I got to get some manscape. What's up, manscape? Give me some non-bleedy trimmers here. Yeah, dude.

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You just like to see your bush go off. I like to look at the stars while I trim my pubes. I'm like, dude oh Orion's belt funny that I'm working on my below the belt speaking of Orion's belt oh the big dipper oh the big dipper that looks like

that looks like the shape of my hog ah I'm sorry that means the little dipper you can get the perfect package 3.0 where they have the llama or they have anti-chafing ball deodorant they got crop revivers they got their two freeing uh freaking gifts i forgot how to read for a second oh bro it happens to me all the time you're just looking at words and you're like, what? I'm a little dyslexic. I flip-flop them.

Oh, nice. I'm not. I think I just fucking... Something's going on. Okay. Your purchase goes towards a good cause because they partnered with the GOAT, and that stands for greatest of all time non-actual GOAT, Alex Caruso and the Testicular Cancer Society to bring awareness to testicular cancer,

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Okay. We are also, thank you, Manscaped. All right. This is a long one. What up, Stoke boys? I come to you during an interesting and trying time in my life. I'm a young dude just a few years younger than you gentlemen. I've recently been hanging out with this girl and things have been super chill. We share many of the same interests and the vibe has been great. Due to current situations, we haven't gone out too much much but we have hung out multiple times at my place it's been super casual for the most part but things have been progressing intimately as these things do we mostly have spent

time drinking wine listening to music and getting to know each other long story short the last time we hung out things progressed to a more sexual situation we had just finished a super dank studio gilby film and we're just super psyched on some dank animation keep in mind this was at 5 00 a.m and after i had worked a decently long bartending shift when the time came for me to put in my best effort my dong didn't want to cooperate to improve the situation the girl in question helped as best she could if you know what i mean after what seemed like just a few moments of what i thought would be getting prepared i ended up reaching completion incredibly early my stamina has never been the greatest,

but my ability to recover was something I took a lot of pride in. That wasn't the case this time. I played off an embarrassing moment as best I could with hopes to bounce back in a few minutes, but it never happened. Give her credit too, she hung in there and tried to get me another crack at it.

It just wasn't my night or morning. My biggest mistake was not focusing on her needs after the fact, a point when she made very clear after we fell asleep and woke up a few hours later. I feel like I was just too in my head at the time and I was only focusing on her needs after the fact a point when she made very clear after we fell asleep and woke up a few hours later i feel like i was just too in my head at the time and i was only focusing on my failures aside from focusing on her wants and needs she sent me a few amazon links of literature on the subject what advice do you have for me i'm not super into taking prescriptions or anything like that but i do find it very hard to reach competition in the

rare times of completion in the rare times i've taken adderall i might try into into that next time, but I don't see that being a long-term solution. I think it just takes me a few times after a dry spell to get comfortable and perform as I should. But it's tough because sometimes you only get a shot or two. Thank you guys for taking the time to help a fellow Stoker. I hope that I am blessed with some advice from Dr. Strider, but any words from you guys would be greatly appreciated. Boom clap. Thank you. Wait, so he couldn't get hard and

then he came too fast yeah and then he's embarrassed that he couldn't recharge and go a second time i think he's making mountains out of molehills this stuff happens all the time man yeah i just don't understand how you can't get hard and then you come too fast really that happened to me a lot really yeah yeah um yeah just john apatow used to do a bit about it he i don't he uh director chad apatow comedy conglomerate yeah he's a big time he's big time that guy's everything um yeah good luck but i don't uh you know sometimes you don't get a second chance. That's just the truth. I've been there. And, you know, it haunts you forever. You don't get over it.

You go, oh, I failed. If only. I failed as a man. I did two pumps and I'm done and she's mad at me. So how did you move on from that? How did you reconcile that in your life that it wasn't something that defined you? I mean you still

feel like a chump. I mean that was like 10 years ago and I still think about that and feel like a chump. But back to the silver lining you came bro. That's pretty cool. But yeah go down on her afterwards next time. I also understand he probably was living in his head, but you know.

Yeah, just go down on her. You come. Use your fingers. You come, she's got to come. Give her some kisses. Use your fingers. Go do, you know. Have some tools on hand.

Yeah. Get some vibrators going if that's her speed. Go lick her nipples and finger her shit. Whatever her speed is. Yeah. Or whatever her thing is. Yeah, I would say stay in the pocket. thing is yeah i would say uh stay in the pocket i wouldn't look for any sort of uh

you know artificial solutions like like adderall and stuff you know i'll just sort of you know work on it naturally maybe you know maybe you know what i think it just comes down to being more comfortable in the sack and i think that comes with age and wisdom and uh you'll get there you know i don't think you need to be too hard on yourself just relax maybe meditate and maybe she was being nice about it but the fact that she like made you buy okay he sent you links to buy books i was like that was a little much yeah i was like gee yeah like that's a low blow yeah i was like relax lady ouch yeah you really salt in the wound yeah yeah i don't think that was necessary he doesn't feel good about it either yeah okay can you imagine it's like yeah i noticed that you came really early and you weren't really getting hard so here's a book on how to be more of a man how to not be a little bitch here you go

a little bitch. Here you go. Hey, read this. Come back to me. But we've all been there. Oh, wait. You guys, this made me think, I don't know if it'll solve his problem, but I remember learning this on some sort of naughty channel as a kid, but they said Woody Harrelson puts

like seven wet towels on his dong boner form and lifts it, and it adds girth. It works your dick out like a muscle. And it also helps you with stamina. Woody Harrelson does that? I remember learning that on the Playboy channel maybe when I was 12 or 14. Interesting.

My uncle had a black box that I snuck in the channel. And they were saying how you put wet towels on your boner and you flex it and you work it out and you get girth and stamina. So maybe tell them put some wet towels on his dong and do some wiener lifts. Beast. That's a real thing. I know it sounds like a bit, but that's true. Yeah, I want to try that now.

It kind of makes you feel like you have to pee. It gives you a funny feeling in your belly. How many towels were you able to fit on? I think I did four. Interesting. So you were lifting it? gives you a funny feeling and you really how many towels were you able to fit on i think i did four interesting and you so you were lifting it yeah a little bit i mean not much for wet towels no i didn't do wet and maybe one was damp but no it was just it was just towels did you notice like did you increase in girth and size uh or did you only do it like once or twice? I did it like once or twice. Never enough. Yeah. But it was weird and fun.

It gives you a funny tickle in the root. In the old root there. Like, oh, my ginger roots. My gingoba baloba root. Sip it up out here. Sip it up out here. Sip it up out here. We're in a jazz band now. Yeah, I'm sorry. Can you scat? Like in a jazz band?

No, but I always do this at my house. And it drives my girl nuts. I just go... And she's like, what are you doing? Stop. And I'm like... I get it. Just being a jackass you know it's primal a little bit yeah yeah it's like you feel like you are expressing yourself more honestly yeah i'm a

i'm a wee bit of a caveman i like it that way yeah that's no need for so many words i might have to cut this but my friend had a really funny reaction the other day he went out drinking with his wife and these two gay dudes, and I guess they got fucking bombed. And at one point, one of the gay dudes was like, hey, we're thinking about having a kid, and we want your wife to be the surrogate. And my friend's a fiery dude.

He just goes, fuck you, it's not happening. Nice. And he was talking to us about it over at Call of Duty, and he's like, you think you're going to fuck my wife and and get her pregnant are you fucking nuts we're like i don't think it works that way dude i think they like take the jizz and like put it in her and like there's no fuck and he's like i don't give a fuck dude yeah and he's like he said he said he thought him and the dude were gonna fight really yeah he doesn't understand well they they could and he went to his house he went to their house the next day and apologized. But I liked the fire, though. I liked where he was coming from.

Yeah. Yeah, he could have just said no. But yeah, I would be good on, I would like to put a baby in my wife. Not you, sir. Right. They don't have kids yet either. Yeah. It's just like.

It's pretty wild. Yeah, it's wild that that exists. So did they take him out to ask him, or did they just sort of bring it up casually? Hey, by the way, we were thinking... I think that's what he didn't like about it, is that they were drunk and kind of casual about it. That it wasn't more formal.

Right. I think that's poorly played on both parts. That's just not something you bring up nonchalantly over margaritas, you know? Yeah. Hey, can your wife hold my baby? How do we ask him this question? We got a cabocantina and we drop the hammer. A couple of dos equis.

I did ask him, you know, what if she had two hot lesbian friends and they were like, hey, we want to have a baby and we want you to put the baby in us. And he's like, fuck you. It's not happening. I could see Joe doing that. No, no, no. I'm not having a baby out of marriage. That's not how it's done. You have to find another guy and marry him if you want to have a baby. What?

What? No. Have you seen Joel Wheat? Look at that deep dish. Wow. Alright. Here we go. One more cue.

I'm in a non-stoked situation. So I've been with the same girl for almost four years now. However, last October she decided we should part ways. I was was shocked i'd envisioned marrying this girl and spending my life loving and spreading positivity with her and i in our relationship i only ever provided her with love support understanding and never even raised my voice at her i did that because i'm someone who focuses on the positive aspects of life and prefer to talk through relationship shovels troubles rather than bring hostility into a loving relationship since we broke up she's kept me around and since I'm in love with her, I was blind.

I supported her through surgery and job troubles because I only want positivity in life for others. I was always there for her without question, and she took advantage of that. Last Sunday, she asked me to lunch, and I was stoked to spend the day on the water eating some seafood and pounding some adult bevs. I thought I was over her, but spending that time together showed me I'm still in love with her. On the following Friday, I was surfing and fell and dislocated my shoulder

and was trapped underwater for about a minute and a half. Super sketch. I made it out, and my brush with death, I realized I am truly in love with her. However, on Saturday, she dropped the bomb that she's dating someone else but has been using me for support and other things. Damn. I gave her all of her things back right before typing this. I'm just nervous to get back out of there.

I dated her all through college, and as an adult, I'm not sure I have the confidence to get out there. That mixed with not being able to pound out reps in the gym now with my dislocated shoulders got me bummed. I'm just looking for some advice on my next steps. I'm a one-woman guy, sort of like your boy Strider. I prefer to ride one dope giant maverick wave than a bunch of smaller ones.

I'm super lost, and you guys have always provided me with super profound guidance. Please help, Stokers. I've been a big fan of your content for years. Love and positivity from Wilmington, North Carolina. Steven. First off, dude, I'm glad you survived that incident. I mean, held down for a minute and a half, that's gnarly. Yeah. Dislocated shoulder. I mean, I'm nowhere near that injury.

I just had like a pulled neck muscle, trap muscle. And the fact that I had to not work out for like two days, like drove me insane. So I can't, you know, I really feel for you that this is, you know, put you in a, you know, you feel, I'm sure you feel stuck. And so, emotionally and and physically so i feel for you um but you know to quote wayne dyer the spiritual teacher who i talked to wayne dyer i saw him speak live in santa monica did he really yeah it was awesome did he have an aura yeah that's absolutely hell yeah he was the man He was the man. He was the man. RIP.

To quote Wayne Dyer, there's a lesson in everything. So, you know, I know this hurts right now, but if you can sort of just use it as, like we were just talking about, when you hit low points, you can just use them as jumping off points to, yeah to your to your new life to this new life of love that you're headed towards because i guarantee you're headed towards a fiery epic romance penelope cruz johnny depp style and blow you know it without the the fallout i'm talking about that first scene that last scene minus that last scene. Yeah, the first sexy scene. She says words you can't say anymore.

Yeah, just that on repeat where they're just like, you know, it's just a fiery sesh. That's for you, but not the other part. Yeah. Amazing. I do think, I know he said I'm a one woman man, which is fine and awesome and a much easier healthier existence on this planet but he needs to get some rebound booty you need like one or two i don't know you know you it's just it's like uh it's like it's nice no he needs to get back out there he needs well because you just gotta you gotta go out and you gotta have fun and and and you could

be honest with it some girls are just down you're like i just got you know be fun don't be sad and depressing like i'm out of a relationship just look and have fun there's girls out there that are down that are looking to have fun and you need just to have a little fun for a little while it sounds like you're way too serious for way too long with someone that wasn't invested in you at all that's the hard thing is like it's like he was loving her well but was he loving her well because without treating himself well enough you know like was his self-esteem there like did he let yeah he probably should have left that a long time ago he should have left her earlier right and i think that's the thing that he's probably beating himself up about

is that like why did i let myself get to this point where i let this girl really just beat the shit out of me basically emotionally and it's because you loved her but you were you were loving in a way that we all do but as you get older and you get you get wiser it's kind of sad but i think you have to love smarter too you know i mean like love's not enough sometimes they have to respect your your like soul more and yeah and i think you'll learn that and you learned it in a hard way, but you loved it in a good way too. It's not like you were a dick.

You know, you fucking, you treated her really well. And dude, she'll regret that. She'll regret it. She's not going to notice it now, but as she goes through life and she meets more dudes who, there's not a lot of guys

who are going to do that. No. Or maybe, I don't know, maybe. No, there's not. But you'll just realize that you deserve better and you'll get better. You'll just realize that you deserve better and and you'll get better you'll just have to you just have to build yourself up before it happens but

you'll get through this dude you know like I always mangle the quote but you know life breaks us all it makes us stronger in the broken places so you just gotta you just gotta fucking come out of this and be like you know what I love her but fuck her. I got to move on and do me now. And like Chad said, use it like a trampoline. Just hit that bottom and just fucking skyrocket off. And go have some fun, man. And don't just be light about it. Because that's when shit happens anyways.

You're like, oh, I'm just having fun. And you're like, oh my God, I love you. That's so true. Be light. Yeah. How do you manage to stay light? I'm so intense. I find that I bog down everything in intensity.

Well, lately I got my good friend, Mary Jane. But before that. Besides me. You know, I'm in all the same stuff you guys are in. I think with Kendrick Spirits, but it's just like natural shit. This whole world is chemical, plastic, fucking bullshit. It's just like meditation uh meditation sun soil go to the beach go to the forest grass-fed ribeye yeah grass-fed ribeye grass just like so do smart

stuff too like have smart feet like get out there experience stuff for sure yeah just and you got it's maintenance it's not even even maintenance. It's mandatory maintenance. It's like you got to do the things, whatever your things are, whether it's knitting or dodgeball. For me, it's dodgeball, stand-up. I love how much you love dodgeball. Oh, I fucking love it. You're good at it, too.

I've seen some of the video of it. You're really good. I'm really good at it, and there's people that will just destroy me. I know who you are, but I'm really good at it. And there's people that'll just destroy me. I know you know who you are. But I'm fucking good. But then it's like, you know, like softball, like ex-MLB players play softball and hit the ball 600 feet. It's the same in dodgeball. There's a guy throwing 87 miles an hour at your face. Jesus.

You just feel alive, you know. Yeah. I think that's the record of what the fastest dodgeball was clocked at. It's not always that, but still, like 60 miles stinger in the face, it still fucking hurts, dude. That could blind you. Andrea Bocelli went blind from a soccer ball off the face.

Yeah, and it's exciting. Yeah. And that's why I love it. You love the adrenaline. Nobody goes blind, but there's definitely been broken fingers, broken nose, broken arms all day. What's your best dodge?

Do you lean back? I catch, man. Come at me. Oh, you'll try and grab that? I'll fucking catch you, bro. Oh, I love it. You're a beast. That's my shit.

Do you tape up your fingers? Yeah, after I broke a few of them, yeah. Yeah, you tape them up. Yeah, your pinky bends back a time or two. You're like, yeah, I'm going to tape you. Like Brett Favre's old receivers. They all had to tape up their fingers. Yeah, dude.

I made fun of the guys that did it, and then once one pinky goes backwards you and you gotta i couldn't oh yeah it's a young man's joke you get a little more wily you're just like yeah i'm gonna tape my fingers together i'm good on fucking i worked there while working at trader joe's so i'd have like a busted pan like swiping shit and stocking apples all fucked up i'm just like oh like i regret this this hurts so bad um i have one more thing for that guy too i i um whenever you feel like whenever i get setbacks you know and whenever i feel like you know you feel like oh i just i feel beaten down like i can't that's when that's when you just need to tell your mind. Where you're just like, no, no, I will prevail. That's where you just like,

when you get that loser mentality coming in, it's like, what's the point? You go, go fuck yourself. You throw a dodgeball at the face of that loser mentality and then you get back up and you're like, I'm gonna do shit, I'm gonna go ask someone out. Whether you believe it or not, too. You and you're like I'm gonna do shit I'm gonna go ask someone out whether you believe it or not too yeah like you need to be like

I am I am the shit and be crying just keep saying it bro yeah yeah it'll it'll hit yeah you know no no you're not coming in this end go fuck yourself and then you just throw if you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball and you just throw a fucking wrench at it

just dodge life man yeah I just yeah don't let it hit you straight on everything has an energy deflect it or absorb it don't oppose it yeah oh my god speaking of that i was a i was a judo negative energy master i'm just at trader joe's bro i did 11 years there i'm some of y'all i don't know who knows it but i did 11 fucking years at traderader Joe's. So you can imagine the negative, hateful energy of angry people when you deal with a volume of that many customers. You know what I mean? Like, fuck Starbucks. We, you know, I'm not, they got good snacks.

But I mean, like, what do they do? Like a thousand people? We're doing 5,000. It's a grocery store. It's just constant. And you just deflect, man. You just learn little tricks. Yeah.

And I got really good at it. But every now and then, one would creep in. He'd be like, God damn it. And two hours later, he'd be like, fuck that fucking Martha. She doesn't, you know, what are you doing? She doesn't even remember you. Yeah. And you're over here.

Yeah. But the Judah, fucking. Yeah yeah you're right tai chi just no no i would just spin it on them a lot of people when they're angry and just i just this is a trader joe's example but like yeah i purposely uh don't have that item for you because i wanted to ruin your day i'm making minimum wage and now i want to get yelled at by you that's why i did it sir to ruin you know just uh i don't even that was bad script but that's what i would do i'd spin it on them be like yeah i did that to you on purpose because i want to be here you know and they go oh this guy hates his life here too you know and then it would switch yeah and uh yeah i did some dope shit there

i remember this one lady was being racist towards this one little Hispanic lady. And, you know, of course, my grandma didn't speak English, so I got a soft spot. And I just kicked the lady out. I had, like, no authority, no nothing. I was like, get out. And I just still feel good about it. Never told the soul. And then that lady ended up coming back and apologizing.

So thank God, because if she would have complained, I would have got fired. Yeah. Because you can't kick people out for being racist, because you've got to be a manager to do it, you know? Anyways, yeah, just a lot of, you just got to fucking matrix the negativity, man. There's so much of it, too. Yeah. Turn off your TV for a day.

Go in the sun. Stick your dick in the soil you're welcome smart that was very inspiring let's go baby let's go give me some of that um all right let's do the next part did chad did you tell him about this i did yeah okay sweet you ready yeah you're gonna kick us off craig what is your beef of the week okay do, do we want like a light beef with a friend that we all know that's fun? Or do you want like a corporate angry beef? Let's go light. Light, okay.

Audrey Stewart, I got beef with you. No, this is a funny story. This is why I have beef with her. We're playing tactical urban combat in Minnesota. It's Nerf, laser tag, but Nerf balls, you know. And she was wearing a hoodie, a thick hoodie, little Nerf bullets. I shot her. She wouldn't go out, you know.

But I know she's the sweetest. We know her. She's not going to cheat on purpose. She's wearing a thick fucking hoodie. She didn't feel it. But then the real beef is that's an accident. I get that. Accidental, unintentional, cheating.

No, but one time I shot her and she didn't go out and she passed the flag to her friend and they won the game. And then I snapped. And my beef with her is you made me snap and look like the angry asshole at a joyous day. And I was like, you were fucking out. So I was that asshole. And I definitely went a little too hard, I'll admit. But I was like you were fucking out so I was that asshole and I definitely went a little too hard I'll admit but I was like I fucking hit you I fucking shot you two times

and now I'm angry and now everyone's looking at me like what's wrong with Craig and that's my only beef it's like fuck the cheating fuck you won but now I look like an asshat that's fair I like that but it was like the third or fourth time. I was like, you're wearing a hoodie.

I keep shooting you. That's the minor beef. And of course, I still love her. She's my guest tomorrow on my podcast. Oh, nice. And I'm going to confront her about this. Get her, dude. Get her.

Is that good enough beef? That's a light beef. That's just a Nerf gun beef. Dude, it's good beef, bro. You gotta keep it light. Take your outs. Wear a tank top next time. What are you doing?

It was Minnesota. It was fucking cold. You know, everything added up. And I know she didn't do it on purpose, but when you win the game... Chad, what's your beef of the week? My beef of the week is with rest I don't like when people tell me to rest it pisses me off

I like pulled my trap I don't even know what the fuck I did but everyone's like you gotta rest and my dad you know always gets hyperbolic with that stuff my voice is cracked cause I'm so pissed cause you're challenging your father. Yeah, I'm challenging.

Buckle up, dad. Yeah. I'll kill you! So my dad, no, my dad was actually really helpful and really sweet. And, you know, my stepmom called. I called my mom, too, and they all helped me out with remedies for, like, this muscle thing. But my dad's like, you know, you may be dealing with this for about six weeks and he always says like one time i hurt my wrist he's like you know you may not have full function of your hand after this i don't want to think that

i know i'm like oh geez uh but um but when people tell it they like, you just need to rest. Like my dad, who works harder than anyone, he's like, you need to just lay in bed and rest for days. And it just makes me so, I like to redline my life. You know what I mean? I love that. I just like push it, dude. Yeah, I like getting out there. I like doing stuff. That's where your peace is.

Yeah, I don't like being forced to be in bed and just not being able to do shit i don't like when people tell me that they're like you need to rest you need to get well rest is a lie yeah yeah people are like whatever got better from not using it or from not doing something yeah your muscles don't get better from not using them yeah you gotta use them smart but use them yeah jordan played played with flu. Right. You can lift weights on a burnt trap. Yeah. Jordan came back when he remembers, they thought if he came back early in like 86,

they're like, you might hurt your career forever. And they're like, I'm gonna get a better draft spot. He's like, I don't, that's not how I live. Yeah. Yeah. So I took two days, maybe three days there where I, you know. Substantial.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday where I was pretty, I was watching Sons of Anarchy. Great show. Yeah, just... What was that? Because I'm thinking about how my neck's all fucked up because I haven't been resting. And I was like, so then I wanted to flex. So I flexed in the camera.

How about that, dude? Yeah. He's just like, oh, poof. Yeah, I was like, what? So, but then today I was feeling better. It feels, you know, there's still a little, like, twang in there. But I went out and I ran. I'm like, you know what?

Fuck you. Get to it, man. Yeah. Fuck those. Get busy living or get busy dying. Yeah, so. Fuck those suggestion assholes. We're going out on our shields.

This is my life. Pick your own advice. That's what I say. My doctor told me to stop weightlifting. He's like, your neck has like some early signs of arthritis.

Yeah. I felt like shit. I was super depressed. Yeah. I started doing hang cleans and snatches again. It's like, I feel better, dude.

Yeah. Going out on my shield. That's, you know, to keep working out, but maybe just make some chiro. Little tweaks. You know, or acupuncturist cupping.

I heard acupuncturist. What is cupping? I don't, I already see photos of that. They put suction cups on your body. Okay, so. It looks so gross to me. I don't, I never had the, you know, the Rock just posted all those suction cups. When I got a massage, they had suction cups, but they put it on your back and then they moved it.

Yeah. And it wasn't just set in place like that and i've never had the other but the moving was amazing because the analogy i came up with it's just like unwrinkling your sheet but what your muscles is the sheet and just kind of just like straightens everything out yeah and it was so beneficial like i just you just feel it loosening the shit up interesting the stress and the fucking little cancer balls whatever they're called knots i might have to get into that stuff i've always been anti-massage i've always been like i don't get you don't like massage dude i know kelly slater gets massage every day of his life bro i know i've always been like i'm not i don't get massages i always just thought it was kind of soft no massage is the best bro for pleasure it's great and then for for like

athletics it's great i know i guess i just thought i'm like i'm like who am i i'm like no no bro i got a massage you don't like being touched come here i'm in my 20s i don't deserve maybe i just sort of uh self-hat hatred I'm like I don't deserve a massage no you deserve it and you need it I don't deserve it listen to my little massage story give me your foot give me

where's my oil just cut to you guys blowing up on wicky feet dude my girlfriend's feet are on there dude there's so much money to be made Just cut to you guys blowing up on wicky feet. Dude, my girlfriend's feet are on there. Dude, there's so much money to be made. I want to sell feet pics. Someone else took a photo of her feet. Weird, right?

Yeah, it's weird. It's flattering, but it's weird. Dude, she can make so much money off that. I'll tell her. She's like, it's crazy. What's your massage story? I went to a deep tissue massage masseuse at a chiropractic place. So they worked with the chiropractor.

This was the first experience I ever had. It was deep tissue, meaning they dig for gold in your back and pop all of those stress pockets that are probably killing you. And this lady, it was like, I swear to God, it was like two years of therapy. She's digging in me and she's like, you're too young to have this. Like, what is this? She's releasing and popping these things that are the only equivalent. It's like a. Was she doing like chiropractic work or just deep tissue?

Deep tissue massage. I got adjusted and then I saw the masseuse. So it was a separate. But she's working on those things and popping them. And it's like literally muscle orgasms. Like you're literally screaming you're in pain. But then it pops you're just like oh shit yeah and she's coaching me like let go like what's what are you holding on to you know let it go and like breathe giving me breathe exercise and she's like your parents get divorced like i'm swearing i was like yeah

and then she's like let it go this is bullshit and she's popping all this shit in my back i'm literally bawling my eyes out. And then I'm sore for like three or four days afterwards. And then after that, I was just like, oh, this is how I'm supposed to feel. Like good. Interesting. And that was my first experience. And her name was Linda and she was in Manhattan Beach.

I can't. That was like 12 years ago. I don't even know where she is, but I was like never. You know what I mean? Like I don't remember shit. like 12 years ago I don't even know where she is but I was like never you know what I mean like I don't remember shit I could try to find her but uh it's so good it's so if you find the right lady you know I've been to others you're just like that wasn't

worth it they go like this I know I was with a chiropractor last week and he was like he's moving my neck around I'm like like this can't this can't be good. It depends on the chiropractor. That's why I was kind of like...

It's just like anything. There's good mechanics. I've done a couple. I've always been a little like, you're in and out in two minutes with some of these people. They put you on the thing. They go, plop, plop. And then they're like, all right, we'll see you next week. I'm like, that's everything?

That can't be it. Yeah. I know you got a's everything? Like, that can't be it. Yeah. I know you got a chiropractor that you like. I've been going. I went to one Asian dude, and he was the shit. And I was with Trader Joe's and Dr. Takahashi. And he would be like, your power is on. But it was covered through insurance.

No copay, nothing. I was going weekly. It was the best. And it's one of those things. It's like maintenance. You don't think it's working until you go a little while. And you're like, oh, I'm not in pain anymore. And I feel better. So it was working maintenance you don't think it's working until you go a little while and you're like oh i'm not in pain anymore and i feel better so it was working for you yeah and and then um this last one was at bass chiropractic in west hollywood and she makes you stretch and do all

these exercises and then she adjusts you and she's a gangster at it and she'll just it's all about like the misdirection it's like they're magicians she like talks to you distracts you gets you loose and then go and then you're just like holy shit yeah and she's i've had other kairos that aren't good at that where you'd like you flex and it doesn't adjust the same you know yeah so you gotta find one um so yeah bass is awesome in west hollywood yeah maybe i'll i'll i'll Yeah, maybe I'll get some referrals from you. Yeah, but it's awesome. And then massages, bro, pop that shit. CBD oil, too.

Put a little CBD on it. That shit works like a motherfucker. I should do that. I got the Care by Design guys. Remember from the comedy store? Yeah. Oh, man. Anytime, put a little on your temples

when you got a headache just mints it's like minty and just i i did i was doing um muscle like stimulation like electrode pads yeah so you like put them on your muscles you know these electrode pads and they would they'll just send a little like like electric chocks through and they'll just your muscles will spasm a little bit it's supposed to like take the pain because it teaches your it tricks your brain into like uh thinking about what's going on there instead of thinking about the pain receptors i did it works one chiro did that to me yeah they all have different machines yeah i remember hating that because it just felt you're just getting shocked yeah but i i put it to a level where it felt good i was like i just couldn't stop doing it all weekend They all have different machines. I remember hating that because you're just getting shocked.

Yeah, but I put it to a level where it felt good. I just couldn't stop doing it all weekend. I was just like, ooh. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. What's your beef? My beef of the week is with the firing of Gina Carano from The Mandalorian.

Ooh. Yeah. I don't know. I think what she said was stupid. And I'm not a person who's like, hey, you should be able to say whatever you want. I think, you know- It was stupid and it was a bad analogy. It was a bad analogy, but I don't think she's a racist person. I think she just made a stupid thing.

But I don't know. I think, is that helping anything, firing her? It's just making people on the other side More upset. It's making it's just drawing deeper Dividing lines. It just sucks. It is all sucks. It's like also to I Don't like that. She got fired at all. I hate that I hate cancel culture and it kind of proved her point too, but sorry keep going But then like it's but then the part of me like the logic side i'm like you are working for disney you know you're an employee you know that's a family company you may not be able to talk your shit and it's just like i still don't like it but

i could i i understand it no i get it for sure i just i don't know i just think it it's a, I think more good would have come from it had they forgiven her for it. And they're like, hey, well, we don't agree with what she said. Like, we trust Gina. She's like a good employee and she's nice to everyone on set. And like, you know, we hope through like, through more communication, she'll like not do something like that again. But like, I agree. Maybe she said no, like, I'm just going to not do something like that again but like i agree maybe she said no like i'm just gonna keep posting shit like that but i just feel like i i don't know if we

could look at these things as opportunities for like grace rather than for like opportunities for punishment grace change and growth and instead of off with her head it's like that's not how you fix shit you just divide us further yeah and she's making a bunch of like people on her side who are like i told you they're intolerant they're intoler and it's just making a bunch of people on her side who are like, I told you, they're intolerant, they're intolerant. I think you could have disproven her point by taking a more trying to grow together route. And then, I don't know, I just don't think, I think people on the left, which I consider myself, although I don't think i think people on the left which i consider myself although i don't really have a consistent set of politics but like they they like alienate warriors

way too like flagrantly you know what i mean like i don't think people who kick ass i think you should be just from going to high school and dealing with people who can beat the fuck out of you like you can challenge them but i always had like i would and i would but i always had like a baseline level of respect for what they were capable of doing you know and i just don't know if it helps us to be like just i don't know i think sometimes we're just too we're too uh condescending and too superior to like people who can beat the fuck out of us i think we should be a little yeah we should be like i hope she just fucking just goes to disney and just beats up some suits, you know, and just like fucking.

Yeah. That'd be so awesome. Even if I fired her. I'd be like, back on the show. Put her back on the show. Yeah. I don't know. And then.

And who fired her? Is the person who fired her like a better person? Maybe. I doubt it. So it's like. Probably not at all. Probably a worse person. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it sets a bad precedent. They climbed up that corporate ladder. It's like probably not at all. Probably a worse person. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, it's a bad precedent. They climbed up that corporate ladder. It's probably, they ain't going to be too loving, you know? Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm always for unification. So I, I, uh, yeah, I think, I think if they were, if they like forgave her and we were

like, you know, while we don't agree with what you said, we believe in your right to you know speak your mind i would love like a open discussion about it yeah what what should we do all of you know like all sides speak yeah just just have her do like a podcast about it and like have her explain it have the other side explain it and then like i don't know just a little more dialogue rather than and maybe they tried these things i don't know what happened in the you know back channels of this thing but the whole thing just was i was like when i saw it i was like oh fuck like here we go i'm like we're just like pitting each other against each other more and it's just like i don't see how it's putting us on a how it's gonna help i just don't like how everyone is so quick to cannibalize each other and and like these these people that are

doing it it's like wait you're like it's what goes around comes around it's going to happen to you yeah you know and it's just like totally i've said dumber things than that in like my personal life you know what i mean not on camera or on mic which i know is a difference but like i've said dumber things than that everyone has that's why i don't understand this stupid fucking society and holding everyone to such a high standard. Like, we're all goddamn Gandhi. We're all fuck-ups. I've fucked up a lot. Yeah.

And we're just, it's just like, let's just be human and forgive and forget and try to move on. You know, obviously, if a person is consistently being so malicious and negative to where they're problematic on the set, that's different. But that's the thing too. It's like people say stupid shit, but then like if you work with them, they can be, and I know people who say all the right things and then you work with them and

they're like mean. Yeah. Monsters. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, you're like, Oh,

this person's really good at optics, but spend a day with them. They're a psychopath. They're a fucking psycho. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. It's just, just i don't know like a lot of people getting canceled i think you know do deserve it but it's like the people who are so eager to be like yeah fuck that person i'm like i'm like you're a piece of shit they're not not where i'm a piece of shit i'm not gonna sit and i don't know i don't know what the fuck happened in a lot of these situations i just don't like the mob mentality.

It's just like burning people at the stake, so to speak, you know, career wise over, you know, accusations. And that's like in this country. I'm a huge fan of Bill Burr and he does this in a bit. But he's like, remember when you used to have due process and have a verdict of not guilty or guilty? Like, now there's none of that anymore. It's just kill her or kill him. It's like, why don't we hear both sides, find out if they're a piece of shit and see what's what. Okay, they're guilty.

Okay, now they go away. Like, this is supposed to be america and due process innocent to proving guilty but boy it doesn't seem that way recently for a lot of people no aaron what do you think sorry for the delay um that wasn't the first thing she said so but were the other things like i follow her so i see like a lot of what she posts, but it's not like It's inflammatory if you disagree with her, but I don't think a lot of it was like or maybe I'm not knowing What was there worse stuff than that? I? Don't know if there's worse. I know that she was she'd supported the insurrectionists at the Capitol. I think and

like full-out supported them or well, but it like tweeted in support of them like there's other stuff it's been going on for months I guess yeah yeah I didn't know all that I don't follow this shit too closely I just saw the analogy I'm like oh that's just an awful analogy she didn't understand what she was saying she's

a fighter is a bad example she's not a fucking like professor like she's um you know smart lady she got punched in the head a lot she's a meathead you know what i mean like our expectations for fighters is that they're gonna have like perfect pop these people fight yeah She beats the shit out of people. They beat the shit out of her. She's tough. I don't know. I just, you know,

you got to accept that with warriors that they have a little bit of a, you know, dicey perspectives on stuff sometimes. Like I heard UFC fighters are huge on conspiracies. They like, like a disproportionate amount of them compared to like the regular population believe in like crazy conspiracies. It's awesome. Yeah, because they fucking beat them

because every day they fucking put their lives on the line. They have concussion. Yeah. I don't even, I don't even, I don't know. It's just like, it just sucks. It just sucks. And I just remember like I had friends who liked to get into fights and it annoyed me.

But then when someone wanted to beat the shit out of me, it was really nice having those friends. You know, I'd be like. We got debo yeah here he's not yeah i was in my friend ross rp rp all right debo my friend ross one time i was he like would sometimes uh i'd get like bothered because he'd get into like altercations sometimes he's big strong tough guy and he didn't take bullshit a lot of it was things that i think have made him a great adult too is that he's very sure of how he feels about things and he won't put up with stuff but i remember i was like i'd get annoyed and then i was in mexico and some guy tried to punk me in the bathroom and like it was like three guys and i was terrified and then ross came and it was like get the fuck out of here and

like scared the fuck out of him and i was like yeah i was like let's go yeah it is it is a good feeling to have a big friend that likes to fight and you're just like i got security because i know i'm gonna get knocked down one day the disney guy the disney guy's gonna get jumped one day and he's gonna wish he could call gina like gina get over here get over here gina get over there's two guys at the gate they're gonna kill me and my family she's like i'm not coming yeah bring your mandalorian weapons yeah so he calls pedro pascal after and pedro's like dude i'm an actor yeah he's like hey yeah i don't fight he's like i was also in wonder woman you know i don't uh all right we gotta speed up craig who's your babe of the week? Babe of the week. I just went old school and I just thought all my crushes,

the Carmen, I'm a kid of the 80s. Oh, nice. Remember the Baywatch? The Pam Anderson, Carmen Electra. Yeah. Jenny McCarthy. That's not babe of the last 20 years. Babe of the week.

Does that work? I don't know. Can somebody else go first? Sure. Chad, who's your babe of the week um does that work i don't know can somebody else go first totally sure chad who's your baby the week um my baby the week is trying to think that you just inspired me to go with one of my early crushes my baby the week is hallie i may have already done this but my baby the week is hallie berry and swordfish oh Oh, my goodness. I remember that. Remember the old Baywatch days? Remember that shit?

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. But, dude, I remember my brother came back from the movies after seeing Swordfish. After school, he's like, dude, you got to go to Halle Berry's boobs right now. I know. I'm like, me and the boys are going tomorrow, dude. Don't worry about it. I heard that, too.

Everyone had the same conversation. Hey, I'm going tomorrow. My two brothers were older were older than I wasn't old enough to go yet you know I was like seven or something nice my two brothers got to go and I'm like how was it there like it was awesome and I was like fuck had to wait for it to come out on video oh yeah I was like mom please please mom with Tali Berry's boobs she's like you're seven I was like it's just tits damn

I need to see those and then and then Hugh Jackman just getting getting his dong sucked on the table we've covered this on the podcast

yeah that was weird I remember watching that and being like what is this movie he did the best we overacted so much oh yeah

he's like oh fuck god damn it he can Yeah. He's like, oh, fuck. God damn it. He can't hack. He's like, oh, hoo, hoo. I'm like, dude, it's not like I, for me to enjoy oral, I actually have to really relax and like focus. If I was doing something else, I swear I wouldn't like, I'd be fine.

I'd be like. Can you imagine? I'd be limp and I'd be like, yeah, I'm hacking. Can you imagine the screen? being like So Hugh Jackman goes to hack but John Travolta has one trick up his sleeve Someone's gonna be blowing him Written by like a 13 year old. Yeah He's acting like he's never had head before

He's like he's never had head before. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, no one, that's not how, like if I was like a sound guy on, that's not how people get head.

I'd like to get the director. The sound guy's a little less, a little less. He's overdoing it. You go to the director, you're like, that's not. Maybe they had to bring him down from a certain point. The director's like,

we need you to do it. He's a theater guy. He's a theater guy. He's like, you're like, that's not. Maybe they had to bring him down from a certain point. The director's like, we need you to do it. He's a theater guy. He's a theater guy. He's like, oh, okay, I'll just do it the way I normally behave. Oh, whoa! Yeah! Woo! He's a method actor.

Dude, my baby of the week, also similar to what you guys are saying, is the BBC documentarian Adam Curtis. Monster, dude. Guy makes incredible docs. There's a litany of them, a bunch of them on Amazon. He does huge subject matter. He's tying together Ayn Rand

to a financial crisis in Korea and how that informed the Bill Clinton Monica Lewinsky. He's tying threads together from everywhere. But he's so intuitive about it. And the B-roll he chooses, the footage that he uses to accompany the talking heads, is really weird and interesting and he puts it to odd music and i don't know i've never had like a a sensory experience like that he'll really i don't know unsettle you an interesting way so check him out adam curtis he's got a new thing

documentary really good i love documentaries in history they've all got nutty titles that are like hard to remember off the top but it's but it's under the banner of all the machines we love. He does weird names like that. I'll just YouTube shit like this. Just the history of the Ottoman Empire. I just fucking love it. Oh, yeah. It's so fun.

It's good stuff. He does The Power of Nightmare, The Rise of Fear, all watched over by Machines of Love and Grace. That's the one that I was watching. So good. And he's got a new one, Can't Get You Out of My Head, that everyone's really stoked on. So, yeah, he's a beast. Check him out.

Who's your... I'm Harkin. Oh, God. Yeah, that's more like it, where you're just like, dude, thank you so gah, gah. Gah. Gah. Gah. Gah. Gah. Gah. Gah. Gah. Yeah, that's more like it, where you're just like, dude, thank you so much. Yeah, you just keep cruising. You're just like,

this is really upping me heck. Gah. Gah. Stay at the office. Gah. Dude, yeah, you'd be stoked. You'd be like, will you play with my balls?

Gah. Gah. Gah. Looks like I'm playing piano. Gah. What's the code? E equals MC squared. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Where'd that pinky come from? Wow equals MC squared. Oh! Oh! Oh! Where'd that pinky come from? Wow! If it was me, I'd have to jack off a little bit, too. Halle Berry, what the hell is this? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What kind of gang is this? It's a huge act when you're getting a hack while getting hit. Yeah. Craig, who's your legend of the week? Legends? There's so many, but I couldn't help but just being in here and being inspired, and I saw Eddie Pepitone on the wall. Oh, cool.

That guy, fuck, everything he posts cracks me the fuck up. That guy's a comedic genius. Yeah. I love him. That guy's awesome. He doesn't give a fuck. He's talking shit about everyone. Just go on his Twitter or his Instagram on a daily.

Every post brings me joy. It's just shit. He just tweets like, remember during the pandemic to drink your old. I'm going to fuck it up. I better look one up. Come back to me. But he just slams. We have a quote of the week. That can be your quote of the week. I'm going to fuck it up. I better look one up. Come back to me. But he just slams. We have a quote of the week.

That could be your quote of the week. I have a quote, though, too. Sorry. It's Lamar Odom. It's not him, but. Dude. Wait, someone go. Chad, who's your legend of the week?

My legend of the week. I've been crushing Sons of Anarchy. Loving it. Love biker club culture. The calm clubs. We learned that from Ronnie Perlman and Ron Perlman crushes in there

he had a great quote he got in a fight with his wife in the show Katie Segal yeah he's like the guy's like how's the old lady

he's like still got my balls attached but my legend of the week is dude some great lines still got my balls attached I hope I can get to that point

someday in my life where I just crack off one liners like that how's it going head to my cock is still intact you got my dick I was just asking how your day went my legend of the week is Jax Teller, played by Charlie Hunnam. He's just a badass, dude.

Great flow, great comebacks, great tough guy energy. Cool, like a cool California style. Love the leather, you know, leather vest. The jeans, the white tees. Crushes it on the motorcycle. I mean, he looks so good on the motorcycle. He looks so cool that it made me want to

like get a Harley but I'm like I'll die like I can't totally I'm not I'm gonna die totally

like I fucked myself up skateboarding I can't even imagine I mean we've been biking a little bit you know doesn't he make you want to get a motorcycle though oh yeah

you're just like oh I'm a badass yeah I killed the fed for my lover it's like you threaten my girl and you just throw someone through a badass yeah i killed the fed for my lover it's like you threatened my girl and he just he throws someone through a window yeah yeah just a badass yeah and then you know and then he's got

his stepdad is ron perlman you know just talking about his balls yeah still got my nuts yeah in the most like alpha way you know where you're just like, you're like, fuck yeah, dude. Love that. Yeah. I found a quote. Yeah. Eddie Pepitone has a million like this, but he just tweets shit like, live in fear, die in fear. Isn't it time you tried a Snickers?

He's just making fun of the world where it's just like COVID, like we're dying. We love you. We love you. Have you tried Levitra? You know, like they don't give a fuck. It's like, what can we sell you? How much money can we get out of you? Totally.

And that's why I love him because he's just no bullshit, man. He just brings it. Eddie Pepitone, baby. Two thumbs up. Legend. Pepitone. Pepitone. He had a funny one that Jamar retweeted years ago where he's like, like my old man used

to say, you're only as good as your last tweet. Jamar Neighbors? Yeah. Yeah. He's so funny your last tweet. My Legend of the Week. Jamar Neighbors? Yeah. Yeah, he's so funny. Very funny. His Twitter is just cracking. I always enjoy it so much. I remember like six years ago he tweeted he's like, I'm horny. He's trying to fuck. You could tell he was dead serious.

That's like once a week. That's why I crack up. Hey, who up? I love it. I love the i love the balls i know a girl who's sleeping with him this might be too much information but i knew a girl who was sleeping with him and she messaged him one night trying to hook up she's like hey how you doing and he just wrote back nah nice i love it that's awesome respect pretty funny um he's like nah i'm boxing yeah i guess he's been fighting he drops him but yeah yeah he got a knockout in his first fight he's a ripped dude

oh really I see him at the gym he actually had a I just see him train at the gym I think he had a fight he told me oh nice fuck yeah my legend of the week Craig it's you dude I didn't even know I was gonna say this but I found I think this podcast is one of my favorites it was really inspiring oh thank you man yeah so I appreciate it man I think you've given me

a nice lift on today so oh wow thank you thank you now we have to keep going after that sentimental moment I'm sorry it's okay what's your Yeah, so I appreciate it, man. I think you've given me a nice lift on today. Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you. Now we have to keep going after that sentimental moment. I'm sorry. It's okay. What's your quote of the week? I heard Lamar Odom say this, but I guess it's like a famous quote. I'm going to butcher it, but here's the gist of it.

Like, that what you do in the dark comes out in the light. Like, you can only be a scuzzlebutt for so long that shit's gonna surface try not to you know you got to live with what you do yeah it's true yeah hell yeah so i heard him say that in an interview and i was like because his grandma used to tell him and i was like oh ain't that the truth he tried to try to hide it keep it secret run from it do whatever you can fucking it comes it always from it, do whatever you can. Fucking, it comes, it always surfaces. Comes back out.

And you're just like, oh, ooh. I should have took care of that, you know, through therapy and this, this, and that a long time ago. It's bad. So that was my quote. And Eddie's. The schnickers. Chad, what's your quote of the week? My quote of the week comes from Jax Teller, Sons of Anarchy.

Nice. Every day is a new box, boys. You open it, you take a look at what's inside. You're the one who determines if it's a gift or a coffin. What? Yeah, what? So he's saying that every day is a new box every day you open it you take a look at what's inside and you determine is this box a gift or a coffin right it's just gonna it's just gonna be a good or is it gonna kill me i like that i'm glad i'm not in the biker gang. Yeah.

The threat of death all the time. I love what they'll be like. They just buried some bodies, and they'll be back at the club playing pool. What's the deal with those guns? They forget about it. Yeah, they're just partying. They're like, yeah, that's it. My quote of the week is from, I'm reading the Walter Isaacson book about Steve Jobs, you know, the popular biography

that everyone and their mothers write. I'm into it now. I like it a lot. Actually, Jobs reminds me, not because he's like a mean guy, not that part, but also like- Not him not acknowledging his child and the killing of all the people in the factory.

How driven he is, but also how much he messes with diets. Like he's really into diets. He's always doing a new diet. That's cool. So, when him and Wozniak, you know, his number two, who he started Apple with, when they're trying to figure out, like, what their splits are going to be, Wozniak's dad, who doesn't believe in, like, power, like, he doesn't think, he thinks, like, he thought it was

wrong to, like, want to attain power. So, Wozniak's pretty interesting. Like, he doesn't want to be in charge of anyone. But his dad's standing up for him him kind of counterintuitively. And he says, he tells Steve Jobs, like you don't deserve shit. You haven't produced anything. Cause you know,

Wozniak did all the actual engineering. Jobs began to cry, which was not unusual. He had never been, and would never be adept at containing his emotions. I took a lot of solace out of that. The Jobs is a big crier. That was nice. Yeah. That got me fired up. Crying's good, man. Yeah. I'm a lot of solace out of that. The jobs is a big crier. That was nice.

Yeah, that got me fired up. Crying's good, man. Yeah. I'm a car crier. Something about that car. One of the best spaces to cry. Oh, it's my favorite. Car and the shower.

I don't like to be seen. Oh, it's great. Dude, all-time cry space. It's the best. Well said. Let it out. Roll those windows up. Just, you know, the vocal ones.

Shit you can't do, you know, when you live with a girl. Like, what is going on in there? I'm a man. I'm a man. I do that in front of my girlfriend. I've been trying to stop. Yeah. I'm like, babe, don't.

I'm like, we can't talk about this because I'll go. I'll go to 100. I'm not ready yet. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely don't vocally cry in front of your lady. I'm just going to. They say they want to see the census.

No, they don't. I'm calling bullshit. They also want a man to take care of you. You know what I'll do? I'll just like squirt like, this is the point I'm at now. I'll just look at her and we'll be staring into each other's eyes and then she'll start crying and then I'll just squirt a little one right out this side. Why are you crying just looking into each other's eyes?

Dude I'm so intense. I just make all my girlfriends cry after a while. I don't know what it is, but I'm just so intense I don't even say mean shit I just raise the intensity level to such a degree To smolder That like every time we're in a room like if we make eye contact someone's gonna bust a tear Yeah, I'm just like I just drive up the intensity dude All right, man and in some the intensity it can go to joy you know it can be a big pile of joy but look i'll take it to i'll take

it to cry to just give me a reason i'll take it to intensity yeah i'll take it to something sad i love once i like in a car or whatever that's when i love it to hit because then you could you could finally let the valve out yeah you know other times you're in the mall you're like keep them together yeah keep them together and then but that's where you're just like let it out let it go fucking weep i i had a good one when my mom's dog died i was on an assault bike i was cranking and i i got i got the call and i was like ah but the fan was keeping my face dry so I was like oh yeah but I was thinking dude with the intensity flying have you ever flown with JT no I'm sorry he's afraid of flying oh no if he's in a different aisle you know you'll hit like a bump and JT's like

his face will pop up he'll go and just look straight at you it's like the funniest it's fucking whack-a-mole he'll just be like yeah it's awesome I don't know why flying has never scared me at all

I was better on the last round but I don't know you're just in a metal box 30,000 feet in the air it just seems you're gonna die when you're gonna die you die when you die bro

yeah that's a nice way to look at it I have death anxiety it's been less lately though actually It just seems... You're going to die when you're going to die. You die when you die, bro. Yeah, that's a nice way to look at it. I have death anxiety. It's been less lately, though, actually. I've had a nice break. Eat a hero dose of mushrooms. You'll have peace with it. I do mushrooms all the time, but I do little doses.

That's why I said hero dose. I got to go big. Yeah, but be in a safe environment. We don't want you smoldering in the town to cry to death. No such thing as a safe environment. It's all danger. It's all danger. It's all danger. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

All right, Craig, what's your phrase of the week for getting after it? What? We do a phrase of the week for getting after it. Oh, I forgot that one. You guys go first so I have an example. It's just like I always improv it. It's like anything to start the party. So, you know, what do I want to say?

Like tonight we're wearing chain wallets nice mine is did you just make that up adopt a dog you're a uh uh how are you hey that works give me one what me one Ask me the first question Like an inspirational quote Phrase of the week Get after it Ain't nothing to it

But to do it That's really solid But that's That's a famous one I didn't make that up That's okay Hey ain't nothing Poo it

But to screw it You know what I'm saying I got one for you Craig Yeah Yeah Let's go fart on the manager Yeah that's what I'm talking? I got one for you, Craig. Yeah? Yeah. Let's go fart on the manager. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Aaron, you always capstone it perfectly. You're right. Hang on. Rewind. Let her rip. Let her rip. Right. That's my quote. I love it.

Let her rip. I love it. Well, dudes, this was a great hang. Craig, it was so nice having you on. I fucking love you guys. Thank you so much for having me, man. That was fun. Oh, guys, we have new.

Where can they find you, Craig? Oh, Craig P. Conant on Instagram. CraigConant.com, my website. I'm in San Antonio April 8th and 9th. Cool. Yeah. And then your podcast, Community Service. Oh, yeah, Community Service, my podcast.

Both these gentlemen were on it. Not together, though, separate. We got gotta reunite and then uh you got merch oh yeah lucy goosey uh my bit went viral on the internet and now i sell merch fucking uh can you see the back dude that's awesome lucy goosey motherfuckers and uh yeah i drive on mushrooms in front of cops and uh it was stick shift. Lucy goosey. All right, dudes. Craig, thanks for coming on.

Thanks for coming on, dude. Thank you for having me. Stokers, write some reviews. Those help support the pod. And yeah, see you guys later. Let's go. Let's go. Let her rip.

If you need advice These guys are really nice You wanna know What to do and where to go When you need someone to guide you Search the half of the roads beside you Go and see Go and see Thank you.