Going Deep with Chad and JT - EP 225 - Ian Edwards Joins

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

What up Stokers?! This week we are joined by one of the funniest people alive, Ian Edwards, enjoy!    Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code [GODEEP] at Manscaped.com. That’s 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com, and use code [GODEEP].      Visit athleticgreens.com Slash godeep for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.   Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now, use promo code GODEEP, and get FIFTY SIX TO ONE ODDS on any NFL team.   Just go to ShipStation.com, use code, GODEEP, to get a 60-day free trial

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worldwide who trust manscape by going manscape.com for 20% off plus free shipping with the code GODIP. Sizzle the corn and call me Randy. What's up, Stokers of Stoke Nation? This is Chad Kroger coming in with the Go & Diva Challenge AD podcast. I'm here with my compadre john thomas boom clap stokers and we're here with uh stand-up comic writer actor what would you call yourself uh comic i'm a lot of things i'm also the person jt almost tried to kill right yeah with the person it's weird to sit in a room doing a podcast with your attempted murderer but uh i checked up on you for those of you who don't know uh me and ian did a show together and i gave him covet i didn't think i could give covet to

people because you know well you have more power than you think. Yeah. And I was actually fine until that night when you text me and I was reading the DM. And that's when I felt it. Really? Dude, that happens. Yeah. I didn't know I had COVID until when I tested positive for it. Then I felt all the symptoms. Right, right.

I felt it. And then I shrugged it off. And then I felt it like a day later. And then it went away. And it was just all mental. And then it came back like five day later and then it went away and it was just all mental and then it came back like five days later well what were your symptoms when it came back uh like the throat thing yeah and uh like a fever and my body was aching like i just worked out right yeah mine just like i was like achy for like three days uh i don't think i ever got a fever, but I had a sore throat. But then I just, I was just congested for like, you know, a little over a week and it just lingered.

Yeah. Yeah. I had that. That was the thing. I like, I thought, you know, I got it on technically, I contracted it on like a Saturday and then I thought a week and a half later I'd be good. So we had the show going and then a week and a half later I was like, I definitely still have COVID.

But I just, I was like, you know, I just assumed I was like, I definitely still have, but I just, I was like, you know, I just assume I was like, Oh, four days. I'll be good. But then you,

you know, you think about like testing out and all that stuff, which is like the, the guidelines are like, yeah, five days. And then you're like, this just lasted for like 14. Yeah.

I definitely had it after five days, but I had, I was congested and somebody gave me a test. I like I still probably got this shit I tested and it was negative so you could still be congested and like not have it anymore right right that's not lingering symptoms and dude I tested negative on a rapid which I guess those things we now know don't work that well with Omicron but I tested negative like right before I saw you. And then the next day I had to send you, or like two days later,

I had to send you a text like, hey, man, I tested positive. And then. I tested positive on a rapid. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. You didn't say rapid. You mean like a home test? Yeah, at home.

Like those Abbott Benix ones. But I knew I had it. But it might have not been also you. like those Abbott Bennex ones but I knew I had it but it might have not been also you I went to a diner

in the South Bay where they don't give a damn about anything I don't even remember them asking me for my whatchamacallit

and sat in there that night after your show with my friend Kelly that I was with and we ate because it was like

what's open now is this a diner I didn't know if there was a 24 hour diner in the South Bay with my friend Kelly that I was with. And we ate, because it was like, what's open now? And it's just a diner in the 20, I didn't know if there was a 24 hour diner in the South Bay. So we ate there. The Kettle? Is that where you're from? Yeah, maybe.

Maybe that's where I got it from. That's the first restaurant I've sat inside and had a meal with no mask on. Like, I normally just sit outside and eat everything. Yeah, yeah. But I think it was proud. I don't wanna put it. I wanted to be me.

I'd rather blame you. I wanted to be me. I felt closer to you. Yeah, I mean, you should feel close to the people when you see their life going out of their eyes. I wanna just be some deaf you forgot about some victim you know what I mean I told you if you passed I was gonna start doing your act and I couldn't even laugh at that time like I had it had it that's why I didn't even respond back I responded like later I said I'm not

gonna respond back and he's gonna feel like i was mad at the joke but he at least deserves that so i'm not gonna respond back i deserve it yeah um speak your your shark joke is one of my favorites that's probably because you're a surfer exactly yeah yeah i love your shark joke um that that yeah that was probably from like 10 years ago though right yeah maybe even longer yeah yeah when did you start doing stand-up again shit a long time ago i mean like uh during covid yeah i took a few months off just like everybody else yeah you know i'm saying because i was like all right it's a tie everybody's chilling yeah that was nice.

It kind of took the pressure off. Yeah, it took the pressure off. So everybody's going to stink when we get back. What do I have to worry about? And then I did a nowhere comedy club Zoom. And I did like two Zooms. How did you feel about the Zooms? One was very supportive.

And then the other one was actually really good and then uh so it was fine but i i was afraid of doing the zooms but i was like you have to try every style of comedy if you're a comic to feel like yeah you just can't be afraid to like some people like fuck that ain't gonna do no zoom but like just do it like see what it's like have the every experience as a comic in all the forms of doing comedy i love that if you're a comic yeah be open yeah be open yeah and you got to be adaptable i mean it's yeah everything's always changing in any industry so it's like you can't just be stuck doing it one way or right yeah it's like if bob dylan never went electric if he was like no i'm just gonna keep playing acoustic guitar he wouldn't be bob dylan bob dylan yeah bobby d are you a bob dylan fan no i barely knows I didn't even know he went electric until you just

said that I thought it was all folk all the time okay what music do you listen to it's weird I mean I when I like I moved to America I was like 17 yeah so before that's like from Jamaica yeah Jamaica yeah R&B I used to work at the spurge king and there's a lot of white kids and they were listening to rock and stairway to heaven just everything that's like and you know i was new the radio worked almost like on a prison system like whoever was on the shift before you'd'd have tenure. Yeah, I had tenure. And I was like, all right.

So I just listened to what they wanted to listen to. And so I just learned about rock. But then I moved into just everything. And even like EDM. Like I hated that shit. And then I went to Coachella. And it's the same thing about like trying everything in in in comedy like there was nothing to do at one point like nothing i wanted to see i was like let me go to this edm tent and i went in there i was at the edge of it is it the yuma tent uh which one was it the first one

that's closest to the second state like the sahara oh the sahara yeah yeah that's sort of the big one that's the big one right yeah so then i walk in a little bit and i walk in and in and then everybody's like jumping and sweating and i think it was david guetta or something like that and then i was like i'm out and i turn around and i'm walled in i am It's just people and I'm walled in. Then it felt suffocating. And then I relaxed. And then I enjoyed it more. And I was like, oh, shit, this is kind of dope. But you had to be trapped.

I had to be trapped. But now when I go back to Coachella, I'll just go back into those tents on purpose. You know what I mean? Did you do Molly? Yeah, I did a lot during the pandemic. Really? Yeah, yeah. A lot of Molly? I mean, the first week Molly? Yeah, I did a lot during the pandemic. Really? Yeah, yeah. A lot of Molly?

I mean, the first week. That's all I had. Oh, yeah. Dude, I mean, I've done Molly and played video games. Oh, yeah? How was that? I played Halo, and I was just shooting the rocket launcher the whole time. I didn't hit anyone, but it was the best gaming session of my life, I'd say.

Yeah, I've never, I can't say I've never done it. I've done it, like I've never done it like at a rave. Yeah. Or at Coachella. I do it like at home with like a girlfriend or somebody I'm dating or something. Oh, nice. That's a beautiful experience. Uber to the beach.

When you're with someone you're dating, you just like sit there and like hold each other and like stare at each other's eyes and you're like oh this is pretty fucking awesome yeah it's like the best time ever it is like you're just like i one time i was breaking up with a girl and she literally goes i think we should just do molly together again she's like it's not a horrible idea did you do it no no no it's true you'd still be with her i knew if we did it i knew if i did it we'd never break but i did respect her logic a lot yeah that's hilarious i would i would break up to do molly right um can you dance to edm music it's it's kind of hard to dance to i kind of like think i'm more of like a hip-hop based dancer like i like to move my hips and like a x y axis like a figure eight and with edm it's more

like hopping i guess a little bit around like you're kind of just bouncing and moving your head a little bit it's jumping jacks without moving your arms this one this one's big yeah yeah that's big but it's not really like a groove it's more of like uh i'm so amped yeah it's just pure yeah yeah there's no i don't think there's much rhythm or like involved you know what i mean yeah there's not much like body being put into it no so yeah it's a bunch of soccer crowd moves when they're jumping like yeah cheering for their team yeah it's a bunch of like, it's like five minutes left in the game. Wayne Dooney, get down by one.

Yeah, get him, yeah. And you're a huge soccer fan, right? Yeah, yeah. Have you been to like those, have you been to like Premier League games and La Liga and all that stuff? Yeah, I've been to Premier League games for Aston Villa, for Man United.

Who's your team in Tottenham? Man United. Oh, you're Man United. Nice. I don't know. It's because he does my podcast, too. There's a Tottenham guy we clown all the time. Oh, you bust his shops?

Yeah. Nice. Because he's arrogant and shit. Who's Man United's main dude now? Is it Pogba? Is he their best player? I mean, we have Ronaldo back. Oh, that's right.

He's like 38, still looks like 22. Today, Man United played in an FA Cup game, and we lost. And they went to overtime. And we could have won that game. Like, we had so many chances. Ronaldo actually missed a penalty. Oh, wow. Which he almost never does which he never does it's ronaldo and a penalty you're like all right this it's automatic or he missed it then we still scored and got ahead and somehow in the second half they tied and then they held on an extra time but ronaldo never looked more

37 than today because he was so tired towards the end of the game you're gonna have those days when you get up there like Tom Brady you know retired I hated Tom Brady too I like I once said on this podcast I wanted him to die damn yeah it's a little over the time that's that's really no that's real hate at least you're not exaggerating when you say you hate him that's yes but you know what it's like now I realize it was actually kind of like it was the same thing like when I fight with someone i feel close to them like now that he's gone i miss him already you know what i mean it was like it was fun to hate him i think it's always amazing when somebody's that high profile of a guy and they don't cheat

on their wife and there's no like like obama did eight years and the biggest accomplishment to me is like there's no chicks when beyonce wants you like you're the man of men like you're like you're you're the the highest and everybody like even the hottest chicks is like he's handsome and he's a president. He's top of the heap. He's top of the heap. And because there's, you know, there's certain times certain men have that moment. And to not have any controversy to me, that's huge. If you're a president.

Because I would fail. Yeah, if you're a president. I'd last a day and a half as president. You'd be like late to a meeting on North Korea. Day two, I'm holding a press conference apology. Hey, man, this was briefer than I thought. But, man, they got them out here, you know. There's nothing I could do.

Right. That is pretty crazy. There was rumors that it was something about like Beyonce and Barack. Really? What? I never heard that. I don't want to say that wrong because you'll get jumped. The beehive does not play.

You can't be messing. It's almost like when you're a soccer fan, you're doing the podcast you have to have all your facts right right and you can't get that's how beyonce fans are like you can't get facts wrong yeah john stewart just in the interview today and he was talking about how like he's like you think you get in trouble when you say something bad about like israel palestine he's like say something bad about taylor swift one direction oh yeah and he's like that's like real cancellation you'll really feel yeah yeah the public heat yeah so they'll look you up and find out everything about you and uh they'll they'll uh scale you like a fish do you have you ever pissed off like beyonce or taylor swift fans

ah i don't think so not yet the day is young yeah maybe we could do it on this podcast starts today it starts today i liked beyonce's breakup album or not breakup album but like uh jay-z cheating album the lemonade one how did you feel about jay-z's album about because he kind of did they did like a couple's like album package where she did one about his infidelities and then he did one about his infidelities i mean I love Jay-z but he should apologize to us for that album like like like you could tell that his heart is not in hip-hop and rap that's where he made his money's where he made

his bones he was the best at it at one time but by the time he got to that album even albums before that he's like I'm guess I'll I got nothing to do let me make an album it's like just in yeah to me that album wasn't it yeah it's like Eminem with every new albums like trying to find something to be upset about but you can tell he really that's like scraped the bottom of the barrel I like Eminem though I like like his last two or three albums. They just show me that the music. I was talking to Jesus Trejo and he's like, Eminem does his own music because he knows how he wants everything to go and how it's going to go.

I just think when he dropped those things at those midnights. One of them, I went to the gym one night because I used to go to the gym before COVID hit, like after shows because nobody would be there and it would be like COVID. It's like I was predicting it. You didn't have to wait to get on each machine like you're at a ride at Disneyland. And then by the time you get on one machine, you'd have to just go home because that time was up.

So I used to go like like 12 30 at night or one in the morning and just knock out a quick 45 minute workout and bounce home but i remember one of the one of those nights i just stayed in and just listened to like i think it was the first midnight just surprise drop and i was like damn it's just it's fine i like the last three albums yeah i guess i'm really pretty i like that song not afraid because it just that's a good song to work out too he's got good like workout pump up music like till i collapse might be like the best pre-sporting event song pre-sporting event song of all time like if you have to run through a banner with a bunch of other dudes well you did lose yourself at the oscars like two years ago or something do

you guys remember that i think so yeah i mean that that was that was one of my favorite oscars performances i'd say oh yeah i think that's like one of the i was thinking about like unconventional sports movies where they're not about sports but they have like a sports movie kind of like framework to them and like eight mile is like one of the best is like the best non-sports sports movie of all time yeah i guess because it's kind of like a sport. It was presented almost like in a Rocky-like style of a movie. Yeah. Like, you know, Rocky was the Italian guy going up against the black Muhammad Ali.

And then you have like the fuck-up white Eminem loser going up against you know like the the the the the strongest black rapper in detroit and and he won he figured out a way to win yeah yeah we ate that shit up in my suburb we went crazy in your suburb i'm at boarding school that was our jam how did y'all really feel dude i had i had buddies who we we grabbed my friend he had his like uh like notebook at school and when we opened it he was writing rap lyrics in it after the movie and he was writing them sideways in the notebook just like eminem did in the in the movie we all tried to like freestyle after it gave me new appreciation for how hard freestyling is because like you kind of look at it and you're like, yeah, I could do that shit.

And then you just try to do it off the top of your head. And literally, you get past one rhyme. And everyone is using the same three words to rhyme. Dude, yeah, I tried it a couple times. Yeah, it's not easy. No, no. No, it's tough. But we would be bumping.

In the Mars bars, Jim, we would be bumping. The Mars bars. Lose yourself, yeah. Dude, do you manscape nah nah i mean i probably should but i don't you ever i mean like kinda but not really what is kind like like to hear you know what i'm saying oh you so it's not going up? Yeah, yeah. You're a very pragmatic person. I mean, now. But I've made all those mistakes. It's hard for me to imagine you ever being upset, though.

Oh, yeah, that's why I'm single. I've been upset. I think I get, like, I was driving here, it's like, why am I cranky? Like, I think I've gotten crankier. Yeah, I feel that, too. With age? With myself. With with age with me no with myself with age or the past two years i don't know if it's i think it's i'm gonna say it's age but i forgot that the last like i kind of enjoyed the pandemic so it's hard for me to blame it right i know the pandemic like affected my memory because i wasn't using my brain as much like i'll forget i'll be like looking at you talking to you and i won't know your name and i know your name i just can't say i never thought

about that because i can't remember high school really or college and i think it's because i wasn't using my brain i was just partying all the time because there would be like you know you study philosophy who's your favorite philosopher i'm like i don't know like i don't remember professors or anything that'll do it yeah when you say partying like what type of partying just molly and you know with with my girlfriend in my room no uh just a lot of drinking i'd say a lot of drinking were you passionate about it do you think it's i am passionate about and i and i and i read it now a lot i drinking, I'd say. A lot of drinking. Were you passionate about it? I am passionate about it, and I read it now a lot. Philosophy? Yeah, I read philosophy a lot, so I'm more passionate.

I just think I was in a place where I just didn't want to, like, learning was just so, I was like, why the fuck would I do that? Are you just trying to make up for it from back then? Yeah, you know, when I turned 23, I was like, I like to learn. I'm like, it's a little late for that. Although I do think you should always be a student or whatever. But that's when I was like, man, I like learning right after I graduated. Right after you failed out of school.

I like to learn. And also, I never liked the discussions because there would always be just some nozzle in there. Yeah, flexing. Yeah, just teachers pet, whatever. I just thought they were annoying. because there always be just some nozzle in there you know yeah flexing okay yeah just flat you know teacher's pet whatever i just thought they're annoying it used to frustrate me when i used to see people look at art and say what the artist is saying first of all artist died a couple hundred years ago it wasn't written down so how the fuck do you know that? What are you getting from like art is like the most mystical thing to me. Like I just don't know like why one thing is better than the other.

I don't know. Like even just like I got we went to a Picasso thing in Vegas. And then in another casino there was this flower display and over the entire lobby and the flowers were arranged to look like like different things it was amazing and i said to my friends i was like why is picasso better than this right and they left me in vegas so this is my trouble with nfts now it's like i can't buy an nft what yeah nfts especially like these like what is it like the like they're just like cartoons on jpegs and you're like like you know people like people bought one for like 1.2 million his price to like 800 000 and i don't i don't understand that um but too with art too it's People bought one for like $1.2 million. It was priced at like $800,000.

And I don't understand that. But too, with art too, it's like with the way people interpret it, they'll be like, especially because they died 200 years ago, they're like, how do you know? And people will be like, yeah, it's just like... Yeah, with their hands. Yeah, this is like the struggle of... And I always find too, with comedy or something, you make like a video, people will just interpret it how they interpret it.

Yeah, there's a really nice commentary on like, you know, global warming. It's like, that wasn't on my mind at all, but I'm glad you, you know, I'm glad you think that. I'd be like, yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Like, I would just blow through the Louvre. I did. You did? Yeah, on our honeymoon, we just blow through the louvre i did i did yeah you did yeah on our honeymoon we just blew through it we're like mom only is a check yeah got lost a little bit one spot but yeah so you like how do you see art like is it like me or just like right it's like you can admire obviously the size of it or the or the brilliance of it. But you don't have to stay there that long.

You can't even get close to the Mona Lisa without shoving 100 people out of the way. The Mona Lisa is pretty boring. It's pretty objectively boring. It's small. Yeah, it's not colorful. It doesn't jump out at you. That's the main painting. Why that?

It doesn't make sense. Somebody explain this to me. It doesn't make sense somebody explain this to me it doesn't make sense was she hot back in the day even if she was she ain't now right like why i i saw dali in person that affected me because his room is so bright and just like the surrealism i was like oh um but i do agree with michelangelo's david was like that thing's 15 feet tall and like that's cool right that i stayed around and like you get a look at everything about it like yeah the eyes are heart-shaped like it's right it's crazy yeah i yeah i think and i think there is like kind of like an objective criterion for like knowing if someone's a genius or not i think it's got to be

like new it's got to be like rebellious aesthetically and culturally and then i think there also has to be like technical virtuosity in there too see see all that lost me the only thing i get about art is when you're a comic and you're watching a hack kill. And the audience doesn't know and they're dying. That's the word. That's me in art. Like I'll look at a painting and it could be a hacky thing. And I'll be like, that's amazing.

And I'll look at the amazing thing and be like, let's go. I don't get it. So I don't need to be near art not that type of art i hear you but it's like what he's saying about the nft thing like like they're all simpsons drawings to me well the nfts those are really cool that guy people he's he's like very prolific and and he i'd say he's probably maybe in the genius category but the rest of the ft's they're just assigning value to them they're like like this picture of uh homer is i feel like people are getting ripped off and caught up in this site and then somebody's like this this is worth this

and it could be worth this later on yeah so so get it do you like banksy do you know banksy is yeah he's awesome and i yeah i know about bands keepers like so what was it stencils or something oh no see that's what it is thank you the situations where he puts his art always adds a lot to it like you know he'll go to like the gaza strip where they got the wall and then he'll put like a girl like that looks like she's walking through the wall yeah it's a stencil it's a stencil right do you think do you think if you like studied art like you went to art classes and like studied it do you think you'd be able to uh appreciate it the way some people seem to there was a moment in college where i took an art class and i kind of understood it and i knew what painting was what and i did enjoy it but after

that class ended i just went reset back to normal it's like resetting your phone you know i went back to like a blank slate and i feel the same way i feel i just feel like art was just always a scam yeah for so and i know it's not but it goes back to the nft thing so if i feel like it's a scam it's like why i just don't if i don't connect with it it's like right why the only thing i do like about nfts is that the people who control the art can't control that shit no more like it's not an art gallery owner who's like posh and a douche like somebody can't just be like we have all the most expensive art in the world like another group of people are creating value in something else and there's nothing this the the old guard can do about so are you into crypto then

this is what crypto taught me so when crypto got hot like what was it two three years ago yeah yeah that december yeah yeah i was like i don't understand this so how does this thing even have any value and then i was like this doesn't make sense that it keeps going up. It keeps getting this value. And it's like, how come? And then I was like, oh, that's how money works. It just, it's the same as money. It has value because people believe in it. So then crypto helped me really understand money.

And it's just, if you believe in anything, then it has value. And now it's like up to how long are people going to believe in this thing so it's tough to get an nft because like you said like the thing biba bought or there's there's going to be ones that people are going to be like ah decide at some point i have no control over that so i don't want to take a chance in that and then crypto like i get it but now that crypto is down i'll buy some i bought some the other day right just because it's down i have a feeling it'll go back up and i know they uh sorry they uh what's that thing when they short not short the market but they uh oh like are you talking about like the amc gamestop thing not not the game stuff but when they you know when uh when they shortened i think you're

right right when they bet against it well that that's different it's uh they just did this like they just uh had a lawsuit against floyd mayweather and was kanye's ex king kardashian yeah for promoting some type of crypto and saying they put money in it and then everybody put money in it and then they pulled out and then it collapsed oh a pump and dump pump and dump so i know it's like you can't trust crypto you're gonna get pump and dump so i'll just buy it when it's down and then when it goes up a little bit i'll just sell my before i get pump and dumped you don't want to get pump and dumped yeah would you buy bitcoin would i buy bitcoin yeah yeah yeah i would yeah or did you when you

yeah yeah you got some bitcoin i got some bitcoin yeah yeah i got some bitcoin but then my account got hacked so i don't get out of here i don't know where to how to get back in like your login yeah coinbase they fucked me i got pumped and dumped coinbase or coinbiz coinbase oh shit people kept trying to hack it so i like i like closed you know or like locked it but i don't know how to get through to support so that's not good no that's my beef with crypto is the the it's like you like the server where they hold your money or whatever, your wallet is not secure. You know, it's just on the internet.

So people can just hack you. Damn. What about the blockchain? Can't the blockchain prove the shit is yours? I guess blockchain does prove, but, you know, in terms of like seeing your account and stuff, people can just like log in and I don't i don't i think it's just maybe there's a more secure way to do it we do have a new sponsor private internet access and we got the rundown from them maybe they could help oh okay yeah for sure yeah great company

yeah love you guys yeah the only way to get back in is you have to watch all four matrix movies right in a row even the most recent one it's gonna be i didn't say it's gonna be easy dude i watched the most recent one that's why i got locked out of my account so yeah yeah that sounds right you have to unwatch it do you watch euphoria uh i watched uh the first season and i was like it i never wanted to have kids and i was like thank god i don't have kids. And I was like, thank God I don't have kids. That shit's scary. That's why I didn't watch it.

Don't watch it, bro. That shit is. I was like, high school's like this? I was like, man, this is. My high school's nothing like that. What was your high school like? Shit, not like that. It's like kind of the lower middle class like lived in long island

suburbs like everybody wanted to be bad so some people were some people weren't it's just like it was cool you know we had you know i was new you know i didn't go to junior high school with a lot of people i just got there like in the middle of high school I hung out with the Jamaicans and sometimes the Jamaicans would get into fights with the Yankees which is like all the black kids so it's like there's only ten Jamaicans who's picking a fight with the Yankees so that now I have to join to fight all the Yankees after so you gotta fight with your crew yeah because these are my only friends and if I don't stand with them then I have no friends

because I'm not friends with the Yankees I'm only friends with the ten Jamaicans but one of the ten Jamaicans started some shit with the one of the yankees which means we're fighting all the yankees after school we gotta we gotta be better at math this is this is a lose-lose would you ever talk to your buddies and be like guys this is like a losing game we're playing no you just go just go in the woods afterwards and see what happens try to make it make sure our lines don't get broken we don't go over or maybe maybe we've talked so much shit they'll pussy out yeah finding ways to minimize the damage yeah yeah yeah I remember this I was on this dude was gonna fight me he's gonna beat my ass but I had my football gear near me so i put on my helmet before he beat my ass because

i was like he's gonna win but i was like if i got my helmet on he's not gonna be able to kill me yeah how'd it go yeah he threw me down and then a bunch of people broke it up yeah yeah did you did you guys ever make headway with the yankees get on the same page i mean yeah yeah yeah but there'd always be something because jamaican people are like really proud and you know you just have to push your chest out and let a know and you know and then you know black americans are proud too so sometimes you know you know it's gonna happen i i got into a fight with a high school quarterback in a classroom. Like, he was big, too. And I'm so stupid.

I'm walking. I think I'm walking to my desk. Or, no, maybe I was sitting with my leg, like, out, like, across the thing. And then he just came and just blew right through it like no asking no nothing so I might have got up and shoved him and he might have

punched me in the face and I went down I've been watching WWE so I'd never attempted a drop kick before not even in practice and I thought this was the moment to try it actually I tried a drop kick in it that shit does not work the way the Tonga kid does it it looks so cool it looks so cool like you like oh I could do this like a hundred percent success rate yeah

if I get up in the air yeah yeah so This knocks grown-ass men over, 300-pound men over in wrestling. This is the move. This is the time to try. How'd it go? I think I bounced off him. Then you got to land on something. Land on the goddamn classroom floor. Then they jumped in and broke it up.

That's why I'm more of a super kick guy. Did he get any blows i think he got a when he the blow by and i think he got a punch in and i think when he punched me i went down and got back up and then went straight for the drop kick which put me back down on the ground and then sounds like a 10-8 round they jumped in yeah it's a 10-8 round i would have got him if they didn't break it up you know of course but lucky for him they broke that shit i mean he had a figure four leg lock coming yeah that camel clutch i mean i had i had a bunch of them like you're ready for the finishing move yeah yeah yeah yeah he's lucky to croak the class didn't

have ring rope or turnbuckle yeah you would have been hit him with the moon yeah yeah yeah i was about i was about to climb on a desk and uh flying yeah yeah when did you realize you wanted to do comedy uh i was working at uh I was working at a I had no inclination to do comedy or be a comic the only thing that made me like explore being

funny was like being new right you know being new and then when I was working at Burger King there's a homeboy there his name is Greg Ellis he actually went to the same high school but we worked in this Burger King in this white neighborhood in East Meadow and then but Greg was just funny as shit like at work like if you worked a shift with Greg that shit up and he you know snapped on people like cracked on people just we just be laughing our asses off so it kind of like struck me oh you

could be uh i said i used to have more fun when i knew my surroundings more and shit i was like let me just try to be let me tap into that side of me more so then i was like i would just like start talking shit too start cracking on people and shit like that, and then start trying to be funny. When did you first do stand-up? Like early 20s, when I'm bombed at a comedy club. In New York? Governors, yeah, in Long Island. Nice.

Yeah. And then did you just catch the bug like that, or was there time in between? Nah, like when I did the show, I was just nervous as shit. I'd gone to the comedy club to check out some of their open mics. It's like, all right, so I set a date. When I walked on stage, the lights were blinding. All the times I went to check out the mic, I never walked on stage. And then the lights were blinding.

It froze me and then i said oh that's why the cops shine lights on you when they pull you over like it like when that sense is gone you don't know what to do it takes a little stabilized yeah yeah you're a little destabilized so i was like so i was like that for like most of the set and then all the jokes bombed except for probably the last one which which is the only one that I said right. All of them I stumbled. So from that moment that they laughed at maybe at the last one a little bit, I said, oh, I knew I was nervous. And I was like, once I'm not nervous and I say shit right, this will be fine.

But it took years for me to not be nervous. Did Greg ever watch you do stand-up? Yeah, yeah. And he tried it one time and he bombed. Yeah, it's a different muscle. It's a different, like, he's funny. It was just his first time on stage. And it was like four people in the crowd.

Would you feed him jokes at Burger King? Nah, he's just automatic. Right, he's just off the cuff? Nah, he's just automatic. Right, he's just off the cuff. Yeah, he's just automatic, off the cuff. Can sing, do voices. He's a chameleon. Just super talented. If he wanted to have pursued comedy, he could have.

He's funny. Every Friday when we got paid, he'd go to the record shop and I'd go with him in his stained Burger King uniform. He wouldn't buy clothes or anything. He'd just buy records. Just buy records. Prince records, everything. This month, there was a time, Greg was a singer. There was a time when Greg had a song on the radio and we're working at burka king really

really yes where's greg now he lives in minnesota he's a wedding dj like he has a company so he's still in performing yeah he's still performing yeah yeah what at what point did you start to feel uh i guess comfortable on stage or like you felt like you had never still not no no i grew more confident but later than i should have you know i think there's a lot of trauma from doing like black clubs and getting booed off stage sometimes right like it just always put you on edge and you're just ready to like uh it's like me or them take them out it's a little more like combat yeah so in your mind you get more combat instead of like the opposite way you should just really relax and go up there and have some fun especially your style is very like laid back right that's more

me getting into me i was not like laid back when i started it was like i'm not gonna let them take me out let me jump on this crowd let me show them i'm not afraid and it's like a completely different mindset yeah it's interesting when people you know are going to see you do you like when people you know are in the audience no yeah because i'm more comfortable with it now you're more comfortable yeah because it's like uh i feel like people don't really understand that the the nerves they're like you get nervous and i'm like yeah i get really nervous yeah or when they want to you don't never look nervous no neither oh thank you that's nice i'm always nervous i i always whenever whenever people i know are coming i i get really nervous before

and then if i do well then i'm like really glad they're there but right right that's that's sort of how it goes for me but yeah it's like if someone i'm dating sees me have a good set i'm like that's it don't come back that's the that's i'm like you have a good idea of what i do you think i'm good at it yeah the next next time it's just a blank slate yeah i go to i go to air one in silver lake it's new yeah i work on a patio writing and i've met some people out there there's some regulars and they did come to a show at the laugh after and it went well i tried new material and I forgot that they were coming or at the start they didn't come then they DM me after cuz I left right away and they DM me afterwards and then now they want to

come to another show but I'm like I'm still the material you saw me do was new I'm still gonna be working on it in my head so it's like I don't want to see you to see me do the same shit and it's like I probably gotta like dodge them you're vegetarian right vegan yeah oh i'm sorry how long you been doing that almost killed a vegan i know i felt bad dude i felt bad when you had coven and i gave it to you you didn't do it on purpose and it but it was like part of me also was like i've been a fan of yours for so long you are like this is the way you show it you are one of my comedy heroes like me and my brother used to just drive around listening to your album and stuff like that. There was a part of me that was like,

that's crazy that my life has gone to a place where I could give Ian Edwards COVID. I'm close enough to Ian Edwards to kill him. I was like, I've made it. This is going to be my biggest credit. This next comic, kill Ian Edwards. So everybody, I'm kind of that guy. What's up, guys?

It's me. So you want to hear about that night? Yeah. It's a jam in the van. We had a really good time that night. And Aaron could like, yeah, I watched him die on his podcast. Come on, guys. I've told this story a thousand times.

There's more to me than just killing it's your machine yeah yeah yeah it makes a movie about it yeah but i'm glad i'm glad you're better but yeah so you're vegan how long you been doing that uh not long 15 years that's not long wow what what uh what uh made you do that? I have a friend. She was vegan. We were eating at a restaurant. And this is like the best time to ask me this question because when people normally ask me why I'm vegan, we're already eating.

And they're asking me mid-meal. And this is the answer so you know she had this book and she was reading it and she she was telling me she was vegan and i was like why and the book had like pictures of like all these worms and stuff that had come out of people's stool that eat meat and i laughed in her face and i laughed in her face and I ate my meat. Like, shut up. You know? Then I went home and I was cooking. And it was like this turkey sausage.

And it started to pop and sizzle and foam. I just imagined the worms that I saw in the book and i was like let me try going vegan for a little bit like i was only eating chicken and fish anyway and poultry and so i was like almost there let me just try it for a little bit so ever since then i've been trying it for a little bit just stayed vegan are you like are you afraid of getting sick? Is that a big fear? Another thing is I didn't want to get ass cancer. Right.

I feel like that's just going around. It's going around? Yeah. I mean, when you're a certain age. It's just based on what's in your system. Let me try to eat clean I hate going to the doctor you know so I was like let me just try to take care of this so I don't have to be on and then it all adds up like later on you learn

more about health and stuff like that yeah and then let me knock on wood like I've been fortunate not to have any like serious illnesses so I can kind of correlate like just eat and I was wasn't always like a the best vegan like I ate a lot of bad shit because you can still eat bad as a vegan mm-hmm so I'm just refined and getting better but hopefully I can just stay healthy and and just just pay attention to my body and shit. Right. And let's see if it works.

If it works, it works. If it don't, the motherfucker's going to be laughing at my funeral. You know, you could have ate a lot of good shit. They're going to talk shit for sure. Yeah, like if you die before them,

they're just going to be whispering, like, this is sad, and then they're like, that dumbass thought he was better than us. Right, exactly. The first one on the ground. And it's a lose-lose because if they die before me, I can't be the asshole vegan at their funeral in front of their parents talking shit.

So it's like I lose it either way. Right. Yeah. If you die before them, do you think they'll serve steak at your funeral? I mean, they go ahead. I like eating. Like, one thing about eating is I'm not like a Nazi vegan. Like, I'm not like, I never tell people what to eat.

And as a comic, going out to eat with people is like one of the greatest liberations of being a comic. Like, sitting down with funny people after the stress of a show like you know you don't feel good after and we're just talking shit and having fun yeah so it's always we always like we used to do swingers like i've never like sacrificed hanging out with people for a type of restaurant like if they want to come with me to a vegan spot and i'll come, fine. And then if they shit talk the whole time they're eating it, that's fun too. But we go to swingers or just somewhere where there's some type of something for both.

Where we could just all have a fun ass meal. I've been to Boa multiple times. Which is a steak restaurant. But it's right across from the store, right? Like a little bit more down. And like watch my friends eat steak. And Boa has some great sides. restaurant but it's right across from the store right i like like a little bit more down and like watch my friends eat steak and boa has some great sides and we just had a good expensive meal and had some fun like like the community of like kicking it and having a good fucking food time is is priceless you know with some good people yeah sure i yeah i agree with you too i don't ever want like my lifestyle choices to get in the you, too. I don't ever want, like, my lifestyle choices

to get in the way of me, like... I don't want that... You know, some people, like, they change their lifestyle and then they have to get, like, new friends and stuff like that. And that always kind of bums me out. I'm like, I hope I could, like, change my lifestyle but still maintain these relationships.

Like, I don't think they're based on my lifestyle. It's based on something other than that. And I 100% agree with you. So I'm trying to meet a girlfriend that lets me fuck my other girls friends you know and so i feel you i don't want one to infringe on the other dude i've been thinking about that poly stuff lately i think to me it only seems fun if you're the one who suggests it. I mean, I'm sure I've been in poly relationships before. But it wasn't articulated.

But we never talked about. We just weren't boyfriend, girlfriend. We were just hooking up and hanging out. And nobody asked anybody until that part when feelings. Like you don't ask where you've been too much. Yeah. You just keep things kind of vague. Like you don't ask where you've been too much.

Yeah. You just keep things kind of vague. It's like, I don't ask her what she's doing and she doesn't ask me until somebody catches feelings and then we get to the crossroads. But yeah. Right. Yeah. We're also brought to you by the legends at Manscaped. Manscaped, thank you so much for keeping our trims peed, for looking after our hogs, for making sure their dinks are looking fresh and clean. Because we all know how essential the Manscaped Lawn Mower 4.0 is. It's the most cruise product on the market. You need to keep your pubes

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That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code godeepatmanscaped.com. The power of attraction is now in a bottle thanks to Manscaped. Yes, it is. Thank you so much, Manscaped.com the power of attraction is now in a bottle thanks to manscaped yes it is thank you so much manscaped all right all right um should we answer some questions yeah yeah all right there's a judas in my squad first time long time reaching out for some help here last october i found out one of my friends in quotes cheated on his girlfriend by sleeping with my ex-girlfriend to give context, me and my girlfriend took a break in September, so this happened only a couple of weeks afterwards. It's now the second time this kid is hooked up with one of our girlfriends

while they were on a break. First kid still doesn't know, haven't told him because he's back with the same GF and don't want to ruin his relationship. And also the second time someone close to me has slept with an ex of mine. At first, after it happened, I asked the kid if he has any kind of respect left for me he'd leave our friend group and he left all of our group chats but the issue is he lives right next to one of the houses we party at so some of my friends still kick it with them since the start of the new year i've decided to go to grad school which means i've had to spend time working on applications not with my friends this has led to public enemy

number one showing up and in turn me hearing about him, leading to the essential, essentially having anxiety attacks, thinking about what I'd say to him if I saw him. Feels like my squad has betrayed me. To combat this, I've been keeping my head down, working on these apps, hitting the gym hard, journaling, meditating, and even started therapy. Whoa.

Thought by 28, I'd, thought by 28, I'd be around people mature enough where stuff like this doesn't happen. Any advice on how to handle this? Really trying to be the bigger man here and resist the urge to talk shit about people behind their backs. But I've been dying to remind my friends how much of a scumbag this kid is. Even playing with the idea of confronting them, maybe rip the bandaid off and just getting

it over with. For the record, the whole squad knows what happens. Feels like I'm taking crazy pills whenever I hear my friends are kicking it with them. Curious to hear your take. And thanks for the pod guys. As it's therapeutic as listening to old kid cuddy albums i mean so to clarify he slept with this guy slept with this dude's ex yeah when they were yeah break yeah when they'd broken up but only a short while after he didn't really

let uh and he hasn't confronted him is that what he's no he texted him and said hey if you're a Yeah, when they had broken up, but only a short while after. He didn't really let a... And he hasn't confronted him? No, he texted him and said, hey, if you're a good guy, you'll leave the friend group behind. And he got off all their text threads, but he's still hanging out with some of the other guys. Right. And so he's trying to figure out how to stop him. I think it's just basically taking over his brain, this dude. Yeah.

I think, yeah. He's got to get past it yeah he's got to get past it and uh you know 28 is the oldest this guy's ever been but he doesn't know how young it is and how stupid people are how much people still make mistakes that they think they should be past and uh and then you don't want to turn into the guy that people in your friend group that people start disliking because you're handling it wrong and then you get like pushed out of the group because you're holding this grudge that everybody can see but they might not know what it is or if they know what it is they just don't like the way you're handling it you you can't expect people to react to this too you can't expect people to react to this guy sleeping with

your ex the way you're reacting to it it's your ex he slept with not theirs and uh just don't talk shit and you know sometimes shit like this happens to you so you can grow into a better person you have to be tested with some shit to become a better person so being a big bigger man means all of this like the length of this friendship the length of your friend friends group it doesn't mean one day you just don't do something you could have do then done it means the entire time so right that was great yeah it was beautifully said yeah I think there's something to I mean the whole kind of you know basically what you're saying of like trying to force the entire friend group to feel the same way that he does and to force this guy out i mean like where does it end you know every time someone

you know does something that's not cool then you have to be like all right now you can't be friends with him you know it's right it's uh you know i think it's his issue and he's gotta just you know kind of uh get over it basically and yeah yeah it'd be so funny if they're hanging out and somehow they end up all hanging out with a group of friends and like like he's eating something and uh he starts choking and the guy that slept with his ex is the only one that knows the heimlich maneuver yeah he's like yeah somebody else save me please yeah you just got to get over it bro and then you know the rest of your friends will or may not find out who this guy is or maybe this guy is kind of guilty and making up for it and being

actually a better friend to everybody he's talking to who knows but yeah i thought that was a nice move of him to leave the text threads right yeah he's like if you're a good man you'll get off the text threads and the guy dipped yeah that kind of suggests some uh shame that's another thing too is no one likes a bummer you know if this guy's just being a bummer all pissed about this and he's just come around like what you fucking hung out with david you know it's like it's like though i don't want to hang out with you then because you bum me out so you know david's way more fun yeah now david's gonna be in the front group and you're gonna be out because you're just a fucking you know bad hang

yeah exactly um finger in my butthole nice dude bluf semicolon what does bluf mean butthole love under fuck under forensics right yeah dude you have a great smile right now my girl wants to stick her finger in my butt i've been with this girl for a couple months now super good girl fun adventurous always down to do stuff. We actually first met hiking alone at a waterfall in a state park. Straight up rom-com style. Sexually, we have a great connection and always have fun with it. So recently, she's been getting close to the bunghole.

She gets near it during sex, and even when we're not having sex, she'll jokingly, playfully try to stick her finger in my butt. Gents, to be honest, I'm divided. I've only had one finger up my butt gents to be honest i'm divided i've only had one finger up my butt in my life that was at a rub and tug in nyc by an asian woman with a doctor's glove on and honestly i don't know how i felt about it i appreciate him sharing that yeah i remember after about three seconds being like lady remove your finger from my ass maybe it was the whole setting that threw me off part of me wants to say just go for it other of me is like, am I really a finger in my ass guy?

I guess I'll never know if I don't try it. But I guess the real dilemma is, do I want to know? Do I give it another try with someone that doesn't have a doctor's glove on? The way you read these, I feel like you wrote these. Are these all your issues? What do you think? what was the last question he like he wants to know should he go for it uh or i i think he wants to go for it from the way he wrote it right yeah i and you know dude watch euphoria for a season you'll have no problem doing something like this man open up your world and if you don't like it you just say don't do it but i don't think there's any harm in trying yeah it sounds like he doesn't

like it he's not into it that's why that's why oh really yeah and if you're not into it just say no because you're yeah that's like are you doing anything to her that she doesn't want to do are you respecting her and not doing it or if you're not then she shouldn't be able to do it to you or is she giving you so much sexually and like so open that you feel guilty about not letting her do this interesting but regardless if you're not into it yeah don't do it yeah i think she's make her earn it it sounds like she's trying to please saying i love you yeah yeah it sounds like she's trying to please him you know so if you just say that's not something i like then problem solved yeah baby i love it when you don't put your finger

in my butt yeah that whole session your fingers not safe with you on the other side of the room yeah just came everywhere I don't like it but I did try it just because I had a girlfriend who was like pretty adamant about it and she was like you're gonna love it you're gonna love it i was like okay and then the moment she got in there my brain was like danger danger will rogers and i was like yeah it's just not for me but then i swear to god after watching the season of euphoria i was like oh damn i gotta watch it i was like maybe i do like it it's just everyone's so like sexually adventurous and fluid on that show that by the end of it you're like you, you're just like, yeah, I should be gay and I should be trying everything.

Why am I not? That's how it hits me. At least here's my question. If you could have only one Tom Brady movie, what would it be? Who would play who in the movie? What is the timeline of his life in your movie? What is the story arc?

And what is the story arc? So if you can have one Tom Brady movie. Yeah. Who would you have play Tom Brady in the movie? And which, which would you like pick a certain section of his career? And what would the story arc be? I can go quick.

I think I would have a, I'll get to the actor last, but I would do from deflate gate to when he beat the Falcons, when he came back and beat the Falcons. Cause I think that was the most dramatic game in his life. So you'd start, he's already like the King, but then,

you know, he gets, he gets disgraced and then he comes back and wins and, and everybody kind of has to eat crow on it. And it's like the most dramatic football game I've ever seen. And then in terms of who would play him, I keep thinking Ryan Reynolds, but I think maybe he's a little too, like,

I don't know if he feels as tough as Tom Brady feels. A little too dainty. Can Chris Hemsworth do it, or is he too bulky? Is he too bulky? He's like Gronk size. Yeah, he'll play Gronk. Great call. Hemsworth plays Gronk.

I keep thinking Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, but he's just 5'8". That's the only thing i can't forget yeah but walbert's a boston guy ben affleck i'm ready this dude yeah yeah maybe ben affleck i'm gonna steal your ben affleck you're stealing ben i'm stealing your your as a as an idea for an actor because i don't even know actors names anymore there's just so many right it's tough to i used to know every actor um what up stoke lords i'm honored to be in your presence i have a conundrum i'm a freshman in college rage stay baby and my friend group consists of four girls me and

another dude we're all insanely close both vibes and physically we all live one door away from each other meaning that we see each other all the time one of the girls and i have started to get pretty close and honestly just really enjoyed being with her i love being with her and the way i feel is just like i felt for every other girl i've been infatuated with but there's one thing i can't really imagine being intimate with her like in my mind it just doesn't make sense i've been intimate with a few girls before but all i can think about is just being with this absolute dime i don't know if this is an insane platonic thing or if I'm a buffoon that's head over my heels right now.

Thanks for your time, dudes. He's like into her but he wants to hook up with this other girl who's hotter. Is that what he's saying? He kind of went back because he said, I can't really imagine being intimate with her. Like in my mind, it just doesn't make any sense. I've been intimate with a few other girls before but all I can think of is just being with this absolute dime who's the absolute dime the girl i think he means the

same girl that he can't imagine being intimate with but maybe he means just being with her as like a couple i don't know it's a little that part's looking but basically he's saying i think uh the cleanest summary of it is that he likes this girl but he can't imagine being sexual with her never been there i don't know yeah that's uh yeah i've had that we we had some like beautiful friends who i wasn't sexually attracted to but felt like a really strong friendship towards i mean i think it's worth exploring yeah but but you know it does change the dynamic yeah i mean if she's cool enough for them to have a conversation about it to see what happens when they talk about it at least do that like how do you feel about this where does i feel about it yeah i thought about it too i didn't think about it you know

that's a great idea that kind of takes the pressure off the experience too because then it's like you're both just kind of right experimenting but you're on the same page totally so yeah that's that's really smart or just do some molly do some molly yeah do some molly play some halo teabag each other i will say too sometimes when you like someone so much you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that can interrupt the the comfort with the intimacy part i was i was worried with a girlfriend one time that we that we didn't have sexual chemistry we ended up being fine it just i just had to get more comfortable right yeah so i don't know oh yeah i feel like there's something he's not telling us you think there's more to it yeah it could be something just about him some personal

information that he's not telling us you know sometimes people want help but they don't tell you and give you enough to help him you know people go to therapy all the time they pay and they don't it doesn't drive me when people tell me they lie to their therapist i'm like what are you doing yeah what like what how's they're to give you good advice if you're not giving them the real story? Who's driving across town before COVID? That's what you have to do just to lie to someone so that they can't help you so that you could pay them. That doesn't make any sense. And they're like afraid of this person judging them.

Like you pay them not to judge you. That's the whole point of it. Or they're still going to judge you because they're human, but at least just get, if they're judging you anyway, just get the help.

You're paying for it. Yeah, get what they're good at. Yeah. Get it out of the, yeah, get your money's worth. Yeah.

Yeah, so maybe write us back in and tell us if there's more to the story. I'd be curious about that. Yeah. Yeah. But I think, yeah,

talk it out. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Ian, do you play halo no do you play like call of duty video games no okay i got like two consoles but uh i was playing fifa i'm terrible at video games i was just gonna get on twitch and just be terrible and talk shit. I was thinking about that too. I was, I was like streaming a little bit and I'm, uh, I'm not very good, but I do like to teabag, which is where you kill someone and then you basically mimic, you know,

dropping your nuts on their face afterwards. And it's just, it's a fun way to disrespect some kids. And, um, so I thought I'd have like the teabagging, like stream channel, but I think that the,

the, you know the audience potential for that is isn't as big as i anticipated yeah i think it's there you think so yeah you just got to start one foot in front of the other right yeah i'm not very consistent with it i'm consistent with teabagging it took red hot chili peppers like four albums to go platinum so right yeah yeah well so you haven't teabagged in video games. Have you teabagged anyone in real life? Yeah.

If I can, yeah. My memory's bad, but I can at least remember that, yeah. Consensually, yeah. Nice. Yeah. You had a nice conversation with them before. You're like, hey, man, I've got some apprehension. I feel like I want to teabag you, but I don't know if we have chemistry that way or it's just uh chemistry takes us there you know

we're all in profit i've experienced that yeah yeah it's next thing you know you're just teabagging yeah women have teabagged me but they don't call it teabagging just a face it yeah yeah so i've been teabagged before too yeah yeah i've been t-bagged face sat the whole gamut i've lived a life yeah we've been labia bagged uh what else is what else is down there can you get cervix bagged probably not vulva bag vulva bag vul back yeah yeah that sounds nice yeah when you describe it like that yeah doesn't sound as disrespectful yeah something gift we go through you know go to a movie go to a movie maybe get some

both a bag yeah it sounds like a nice thing it's a fun thing to throw in it in a casual conversation with people who don't know what it means yeah and just keep it going yeah and then they'll feel uncool so they're not gonna ask you to play along like right right yeah both of them go home and google it and doesn't even exist I thought that was a car yeah but this guy's very like sophisticated I'm hanging out terminology that's brand new I think he's like European is that is that a type of fish

what restaurant did you get that at or it sounds like something you can get at like Planned Parenthood that's like good for women vulva bag Chad yes who or what is your beef of the week? My beef of the week is the spider that was on my wetsuit.

Dude, there's a spider on my wetsuit. And it happened like a couple weeks ago. And it's just messing with my head because every time I put my wetsuit on now, I think there's going to be a spider in there and it's going to bite my dong. There's a lot of spiders where I live. And I don't know what kind of spiders they are i don't know uh they look poisonous they look fucking huge and i know someone that got bit by a brown recluse and then you just got like yeah you don't want that so imagine that on your fucking dink um that's my beef right now it's just mentally messing with my head

did you kill it oh yeah but it's in your head oh it's in my head yeah damn so it's not gone yeah it got me i got you i hate when you have a spider above on the ceiling above your bed yeah you try to kill it you miss yeah and that thing's just out there somewhere, I'll sleep on the couch. Knowing that you're trying to murder it. Yeah, yeah, I'll sleep on the couch. Fuck that. I'll come back here tomorrow night. Do you tell your wife? She's in the room.

She's like, come to bed. No, I'm good. I'm good. Ian, what's your beef of the week? So I posted a video about America's Got Talent talent on my instagram but my beef is with the judges who i generally like but they always want to change someone's life so the worse that person's life is the better they feel when they hit the golden buzzer is the better they feel when they hit the golden buzzer and and they feel like we just changed this person's life it's like but yeah you want to help someone but at the same time you're hoping this person went through some crazy ass tragedy and then like sometimes when you hit that golden

buzzer and the lights go off it just adds to the trauma and post-traumatic of what it is. And it doesn't erase the horrificness that got them to the stage. You know what I mean? So my beef is just with the, I guess, how they feel. First of all, if you're a judge, you audition to be the judge. And it's not your money you're giving or your opportunity. Like, it's, yeah, the performer, you like them. But, like, somebody else would have hit the golden buzzer, too.

So I just don't like the fact that they think they've done so much for a person when they actually really didn't do anything. Yeah, so that's my view. Yeah, it's like an easy way to feel like they're like uh like a hero yeah they're walking around the world like i just i just he used to be bullied like all the way through and i buzzed him and i buzzed him in and it was like hey man he still was bullied you know so he was bullied to make you feel better or did you like like what is this one do you see him hitting that button when it's like someone who sucks but they just got a good enough backstory that they're like yeah he doesn't play the trumpet so good but yeah if you have a terrible enough

backstory it'll take you through right yeah i gotta start working on that it's america's got backstory and talent. That's hilarious. My beef of the week is just with weights at pharmacies. I just don't understand it sometimes. It's going to be an hour. I'm like, I don't know why it takes that long. To fill up your thing? Yeah.

It is confusing because you're like it's right there it doesn't make any sense yeah what are they doing they're just trying to flex yeah then i don't know yeah i think they just want to seem it's like everybody yeah like i'm busy are you really busy though yeah they treat you like you just made a reservation at a restaurant like you didn't make a reservation and you just showed up and they're like it's going to be an hour wait like we're kind of a really hot pharmacy yeah we got a lot of clients coming through here we got to take care of them first yeah so you see that sick person they chose to come to this one no if you don't mind chilling for 20 minutes i'm like i'm gonna drive home i'm

just gonna come back in four hours do you want to walk around maybe just go back maybe they're just trying to get you to buy more shit oh that's no yeah yeah they're in cahoots dude yeah it does work because every time i go in there i'll get like a toiletry item you know i'm like yeah i could use some more deodorant or something like that i've become very suspicious of these companies i think you got reason to dude yeah they're fuckers yeah chad who's your baby uh my baby of the week is uh i went to a crystal shop in laguna i'm a crystal guy now i bought a couple crystals i got i saw it coming gotta be honest dude i got my aura red too i got a good aura dude got a good aura well yeah well they're like you know you've got green on the sides which means you got calm you know you put people at ease but now i'm at risk of you know

being infiltrated by psychic vampires you know but people try to suck your energy out oh you know because they're they're like attracted to the the calming sensation that but they're just bummers and they just you know do they ever tell anybody that they have bad or i think i mean you know mine was pretty accurate because they're like you haven't slept in a while are you like are you stressed i'm like i'm just on low sleep and they said my crown chakra is open so i'm open to receiving you know uh just diminutivity uh and um my dominant color is orange uh-huh what else what does orange mean uh creative self-confident motivated uh i'm masculine dominant which is nice it's like everything yeah and uh i'm also heart dominant so you've got a lot going

on in your heart right now dude my third eye was on fire oh nice oh word all right good dude yeah i got a crystal on my coffee table now you got to charge those crystals too right like leave them out in the moonlight or something like that oh i didn't know that was a thing i saged it you saged it i did because they're like you know people who touch it they put their negative energy and you gotta sage that energy out right yeah i never heard anybody sage their crystal but that's right through crystals i found out that you have sage and that they all go together so and it happened in natural progression like sages first and crystals dude that's true yeah yeah have you ever dabbled nah i'm not but i'll never say never to anything who knows man have you ever had your aura read i don't think so i was dating a girl she said

she could see at one time really yeah? Yeah. She said it was good. So I just took that as a positive. Yeah. That was all you needed to know. Yeah. We were on LSD. So, you know. I was going to ask.

Yeah. You know, my brother during the pandemic would do psychedelics with his friends over Zoom. Really? Yeah. So they were like safe. And they'd get like 10 guys over Zoom all doing mushrooms. Wow. Damn. Yeah.

It was kind of cool yeah it was a good idea that's a fun zoom yeah this is probably the best possible version of a zoom that's a fun ass zoom uh and who's your babe of the week uh it's gonna be my legend too sweet double up so so so my legend is uh slash babe is Harriet Tubman. She's probably too much of a woman for me. But it's Black History Month, so I'm going to pick a black legend. She's just a soldier. Like, who just, who escapes slavery and then comes back to rescue other people? And then you get them to safety and then comes back.

Listen, if I, if I, because there were black people that were never slaves. I wouldn't even cross the line I wouldn't even be within a hundred miles of the line where slavery starts you know what I mean I'd be like man I feel bad for those slaves

there's no way so imagine like experiencing slavery then escaping it and I'm going back to get these they're not even your relatives per se So imagine like experiencing slavery, then escaping it. And I'm going back to get these. Like, they're not even your relatives per se. Like, once I escape slavery, everybody in slavery is dead to me. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't remember Jim. Nancy, nah. I know these people. You know? They cool. This is where I've been all the time I'm sorry they wrote a letter saying can you help I can't read they said you wrote them and told them you was free

I don't remember that can you prove that so for her to do that that's just one of the craziest things sexiest things that somebody could ever do yeah um i'll i'll do my babe and legend at the same time too then um dude my babe of the week is i gotta do a i've talked about it last week on the pod he never said who his babe was. He said his babe was Crystal.

Crystal. Oh, Crystal. Okay, okay. I thought you were going to say it was the girl in the Crystal shop who read your aura. Oh, no. It's just the Crystal shop. Oh, Crystal. Yeah.

My babe, I got into an altercation at the, that's a little dramatic, but two people got mad at me at the gym for vaping in there. And they got pretty upset. And me and the guy, you know know went back and forth a little bit because she had already gotten mad at me and i was really apologetic and another dude came in and started getting mad at me and i was like bro i already got yelled at and then already got a ticket yeah and then and then i and they might have been together or something so he was kind of being a little overly chivalrous trying to stand tall for her but then i i said last week i hope i

see him again and we can you know have a nice moment and we had it i was in the gym a couple days ago i walk in i see him wasn't anything big but i saw him i went what up dude and he went what up nice that's cool we hit squat racks right next to each other do you vape in front of him no no not that time so what up dude but i remember great he was like hey do you want to go upstairs i was like yeah i'm dying for a hit yeah i was like i was like i was chill for like 30 minutes around that dude yeah that's love baby and then my legend of the week i went down to youtube do you ever go down youtube rabbit holes where you just like want to feel something emotional and then you just like you like to feel a lot yeah man it was like i was watching when kids when stepkids change their last name to the stepdad's name.

Oh, wow. Dude, best fucking videos on YouTube. This is like real life? It's real life. Why do they make a video about it? Well, someone's like filming it. Like their family member's filming it. Oh.

Yeah. So like the mom will be filming. And then this like beast of a football player is like, you know, I love you, right? You know, you're my dad. You know, you know, I carry you with you every moment. And then he turns around and on his jersey. It's got his stepdad's last name and then you know the stepdad's always like a strong stoic man but they just fucking crumble right away start crying and hug him and there's

like hey there's like 10 good ones that i saw on youtube and every single one of them will just you'll just be a bubbling mess by the and then the comments are all great they're all like you know a real father's the guy who's there every day and it's not blood it's it's like loyalty and love and dedication and you're just like and then people write their own little stories about their step parents you're just like to me like a step parent who steps up it's like the most beautiful thing in the world you know yeah and uh it's nice that we have this thing now where we can see them all yeah i might have to check that out they're great that's pretty crazy it's nice damn yeah it'll it'll move you uh chad who's your legend of the week my legend of the week is the phrase uh stay up king dude it's my favorite phrase uh you know like i saw

this one about you know it's any anything where people like comment like stay up king i think it's just the funniest shit ever uh just referring to this king because it's always someone doing something pathetic and they're like stay up king it's just like like there's this meme video this guy is like he's like uh he's like get you a girl who has two jobs like financial security security is important like oh it's important to have two incomes in the household get you a girl who has two jobs or whatever and he's like stay up kings and i just fucking i just want to say i want to say that more i just want to refer to people as king more yeah that is that is a funny king and the queen thing yeah it's a like black people used to call

like each other king or queen but now it's like white people are like really yeah king and a queen in it yeah staying up here and that's it do you think they're it up ah or do you like the weight yes or no how about that yeah yeah i feel like sometimes when white people get a hold of slang, they start changing the meaning of what it originally was. And then they don't give a fuck. Yeah. And it's like, hey, man, that's not what it originally.

Then they look at you like you're wrong. Yeah. And it's like, so that's the part I kind of don't like. I knew what certain things originally meant. Like, fuck boy never meant what it means now. Right. What did it originally mean? It was, like, fighting words.

Like, it was dude to dude kind of, like, insult? It was insult. Like, it was, like, there's some shit I heard in Miami years ago. I was like, oh, shit. Like, I just knew it was, like like the worst thing you could say to someone. And it's like, if you call somebody, fuck boy, it was in a rap, or you're a gang, and y'all was ready to go at it. It was, yeah.

Is that me? Yeah. Interesting. And now it just means a dude who like sleeps around yeah it kind of leads people on right interesting um so you know i didn't properly prepare you for this there's one more part we do a quote of the week and a phrase that we're getting after it but i didn't want to overwhelm you with just a couple hours of prep time you didn't you didn't want the guy you almost killed you didn't want to overwhelm you overwhelmed my system with covet i'm so sorry man i compromised my uh but it was nice

we got to talk more that was the most we've ever texted when i gave you covet i mean i would have texted would you if you wanted to on a regular just just don't try to kill me bro it's just you know i wanted to trauma bond i didn't know how to get close dude yeah i was texting my brother i was like you wouldn't believe who i gave covid to he's like who i was like no fucking way i was like believe it dude he's thinking about me all these next couple weeks it's hilarious uh chad what's your quote of the week my quote of the week comes from a gruber staying with the theme go off king oh yeah go off king that's another one go off king do you ever since my birthday sounds like go off king i was like what first this is my first intro

um this is from uh so vicky played by what's her face maya rudolph no kristen wick kristen wick um she's asking mcgruber she goes where have you been sorry i just took an upper decker in the master bathroom upper decker yeah it's when you poop in took an upper decker in the master bathroom. Upper decker? Yeah, it's when you poop in the water tank and not in the bowl. You look great. Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, that's from the movie, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then Val Kilmer punches him later, and he's like, that's for the upper decker. They called it that. Dude, my buddy Ass Clown upper deckered this girl's room in Cabo one time. It was pretty awesome. We were all partying in a hotel in Cabo one time. It was pretty awesome. We were all partying in a hotel in Cabo and I opened the bathroom door and he was just upper deckering it. I was like, thank you so much, ass clown. And I kept the door open so

everyone saw. That's it. Ian, do you have a quarter of the week? yeah now I do what did you just say? go off king is my quarter of the week I love it yeah when someone has like the littlest gripe

or something I just be like go off king yeah yeah go off let it out like I said I'm reading the Anthonyony kidis memoir dude this guy has he's all he does is like do drugs and have sex for like 10 years and he remembers he remembers every time he had sex like his information recall and he goes into vivid detail every time like dude if you audible this book and just jumped around at random points 80 of the time it would land on a sex story yeah and he uses everybody's full names which is pretty funny too but he's talking about the first book and just jumped around at random points 80 of the time i would land on a sex story hilarious

yeah and he uses everybody's full names which is pretty funny but he's talking about the first time because you know they're famous for playing in their playing their encore with only a sock on their dick and he's describing the first time um and he says uh usually when you're playing your dick goes into protection mode so you're not loose and relaxed and elongated. You're more compact, like you're in a boxing match. As I do. It's a very good description. Nice.

Yeah. That's interesting. That's why I don't play instruments. I want to stay elongated. You want that thing long? Yeah. You hang pretty low when you're on stage? I don't even think about it, to be honest.

I've never thought about it either. Yeah. Do you think you'll think about it next time you go up? Yeah, definitely now. You'll check in with yourself? I think I'll probably be in protective mode. Yeah, I think you'll be a little pulled in. Yeah, I can't eat before I go on stage.

I never go on stage with a hard dick. Smart. Yeah. I'm focused. Trying to make these people laugh. You're a professional. Yeah, pretty'm focused trying to make these people laugh. You're a professional. Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen that in a while, a comic on stage with a hard dick.

I don't think it's allowed anymore. Change. Cancel culture. Yeah. This is a workplace, dude. It'll never stop. Yeah, tough sharing a green room with that guy. Yeah. That's why i got into

comedy so you can go on stage with a hard day male comics are not allowed to bring their dick to the show that's the new oh you brought your dick well i feel uncomfortable figure it out uh chad what's your phrase of the week for getting after it uh phrase of the week for getting after it is um go off king yeah i should have did that in reverse i didn't know there was two i should have said stay up king yeah yeah and then go off king you got a phrase of the week for getting after this is supposed to fire people up to party do you king

i'm unprepared kings so uh mine is again from the book he describes just going crazy on a binge of drinking is slamulating. Slamulating? He said, we just started slamulating everything. And I was like, yeah, that is what it feels like. That makes sense that word comes from the group that made up the term Californication. Right? Yeah. It gives you a nice portal into how he comes up with all his lyrics, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like feeling shit and it's a little bit like uh what's a what's it called when you say like pow or something like that onomatopoeia it's a little onomatopoeia ish yeah like it's like slamulating is just what it sounds like when you're doing a bunch of drinks yeah it's kind of like like i used to make up more words on stage but theo really makes up words he's incredible with it yeah he just has his own language he's like they speak they make up their own language yeah pig latin theo vaughn and anthony kidis in a conversation would be oh shit that'd be pretty incredible yeah well just reading theo's book does he have a book now if he does though there's gonna be all these terms and words and shit in there he's gonna need like a glossary for it yeah yeah yeah beast well

dude ian thanks for coming in so nice of you to come by man i mean you know i you know that guy who wouldn't forgive the other guy for sleeping with his ex just be like me forgive your attempted murderer come on the podcast just and see it's all love baby you know yeah i don't i don't like you saying that you might have got it at a diner though because i i don't i don't really say that you know you tell people it was me i just i was just i try to be fair you know and maybe i have to tell myself that as i sit in there this is the closest i've sat next to you since the murder attempt since the assassination attempt so maybe i needed to bring that up to like you know relax myself dude i'm glad i mean i would have got excommunicated from the community right would you yeah if it if if if say i died right would you tell people that's me like i know

we had the text and i know you told your brother i don't know would you like hey man don't tell yeah we gotta break into ian's apartment get his cell phone and destroy the records yeah all right sweet all right normally we eat beef liver but that's not gonna work yeah not on this one What to do, where to go When you need someone to guide you Who's to have the girls beside you Go with me Go with me Let's go deep Go with me

Go with me I'm going deep I'm going deep