Going Deep with Chad and JT - EP 231 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

What up stokers?! This week we got the legend, Doug Stanhope.   Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code [GODEEP] at Manscaped.com. That’s 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com, and use code [GODEEP].       Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at Helix Sleep.com slash GODEEP.   Try EveryPlate for just $1.79 per meal by going to EveryPlate dot com and entering code GODEEP179   Visit AUDIBLE.com SLASH SUMMER IN ARGYLE

If you need advice These guys are really nice You wanna know What to do, where to go When you need someone to guide you Seems to have the throat beside you Go and see Go and see What's up guys? Before we begin this podcast,

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and armpits deserve only the best save big on their newest products by going to manscape.com for 20% off plus free shipping with the code go deep tickle my taint and tell me it's tuesday what's up stokers of stoke nation this is chad kroger coming in with the going deep with chad jt podcast i'm here with my compadre jean thomas what up boom clap stokers and we're here with the legendary doug stamhope welcome thank you for coming into the pod what's up how's it going yeah it has to live to your grace i go i'm doing this going deep podcast she goes yeah i think yeah, I think they're always in character. And then I met you guys beforehand.

I go, I don't think that's a character. I think you're really just fucking like 22-year-old fucking barefoot. You walk outside barefoot. I like to be in touch with the earth. Oh, my God. This is the Adam Carolla After Party God. This is the Adam Carolla after-party podcast where I just did Adam Carolla, and now I just did the whole drive from Glendale going,

I should have said this. I should have said that. I should have said this. It is tough. I'm always doing that. Well, I'd never talked to that guy since we ruined his fucking man show. Right.

I didn't know what to expect. It went fine, but at the same time i was a little timid and i had my first cocktail there so now on my fourth cocktail i'm like god damn it i should have said this well i'm glad we're gonna get the fire yeah we're gonna get you at 100 i think most of stand-up comedy i am assuming you guys are stand-ups yeah yeah it's like half of stand-up comedy is saying shit that you wish you had said in the moment. Yeah. There's a French phrase for that, right?

Like, La Scalier Desperée means like... Oh, wow. Because we just did a podcast somewhere where someone... Tracy was saying, yeah, there's a French word for that, but she couldn't come up with it. I mangled it,

but I got the parts of it and some of them in place. But yeah, that's a phenomenon. It happens to the best. I mean, i got i got the parts of it and some of them in place but yeah that's that's a phenomenon it happens to the best i mean literally happens to the best of us if it happens to you it happens to all of us that's probably good to hear from most people and sometimes maybe it's best you didn't say that because usually you say i should have said this when you're drinking later i should have told my boss this and lost my job and been out on the street do you ever do when you when you because you're staying you're so known for sort of being unfiltered in your stand-up you ever if you film a special or something do you ever have any kind

of nervousness about putting something out in terms of like the uh what you've said? No, because no one knows who I am. Really, I'm at the perfect level of fame where only famous people can get canceled. I mean, I have a bit about it that I'm not going to burn here. Go, go, baby. No, just the idea that I can... Could you get canceled? I don't know.

I think about it a lot. I don't think so. But then you have to explain who you are. Right. Alright. Here's... Going deep, Chad and JT. TMZ doesn't have that kind of time. No. It's probably not worth it.

I guess, you know, if I did something... I guess what it is is, depending on your level of notoriety, you have to do something. Like, I would have to, like, firebomb a preschool to get cancelled. Exactly. Yeah. Shoot up a school or something to do something. Like I would have to like firebomb a preschool to get canceled. Shoot up a school or something. But if I was rude to a coworker. Notorious podcaster,

then you'd be famous according to them. Notorious podcasters shoot up a school. Exactly. So I'd have to do something at that scale to get canceled. But if I was just harassing. So what's it gonna be? Have you figured it out? Dude, I was thinking about it

because there was that guy who I guess hadn't lived a very exciting life who hijacked a asking alaskan airlines airplane took it into the air and just like barrel rolled it and then crashed it on a small island like in an attempt for significance at the end of his life i don't remember this one it happened like five years ago yeah my friend mentioned it to me wow and i really related to him because i think he was like at the end of his life and he's like, I haven't done anything significant. I'm not going to be a leader of consequence. I'm not going to invent anything, but I want people to remember me.

Yeah, you don't need a bucket list. You need a bucket post-it. This is how I'm going out. I figured out the perfect way. Barrel roll in Alaskan Airlines jet. You can hear him over the comms or whatever you call it, talking to air traffic control. And he's like, yeah, I'm kind of a boring boring guy i haven't done much and i got a couple screws loose so i don't think i'm gonna land this thing oh i bet i bet if we checked our mailing list

against his name he was a fan that sounds like one of my fans do you uh we found with our fans like we did some shows in uh northern cal Northern California over the weekend that we have like San Jose and San Francisco. We did the improv up there. It's great. Have you been there? The theater is incredible. We started Northern, Roanert Park, then San Jose and Santa Cruz. And the theater is beautiful there.

It was a great venue. But the staff at a lot of these places will tell us by and and large, we have the kindest, gentlest audience. We get the same thing. Our fans tip on a level that rivals gay fans. They're the biggest tippers. I didn't know that. Yeah, but my fans are also out of their fucking minds, but they're kind and gentle unless they're shit-faced and trying to communicate with me. I don't get mean hecklers.

I get the, I love you, Stan Hope, right in the middle of the punchline that I just took fucking seven minutes to arc this story perfectly. And then they, I love you so much, dude. Like, I kind of...

But you can't get mad at them because it's love, right? Like, you must wish they were hostile because that would give you something, you know, fair to push back against. And you reap what you sow. When you're a drunk, you attract drunks. But you don't necessarily attract a drunk that's as good at it as you. the same way like I guess I have a Facebook fan page that's notoriously fucking racist

misogynist evil where they try to kind of mimic what I do but I like there's no hatred I craft you know what I do that might be pushing an envelope to someone where it's like I can argue

everything that I'm doing right you have black belt skill when it comes to articulating these kind of... Yeah, I don't just say cunt retard over and over again like these guys have it out there. Whoa, we're off. I know, I'm doing a bit where I say the R word and I really work hard to get there in a place so it feels, like, justified and interesting that I get there. But there's a part of me that's like, or am I just having fun saying it? It's hard to, well, maybe it's both.

Then I would steer your, what's it? No Place Like Home was the special. And unfortunately, my bits are, that bit was like 22 minutes long. If you hear it in its entirety, about how you, retard was the correct word. Terminology. Right.

Applied. And they used retarded because they used to say idiot or imbecile. Which is more hurtful. But then we co-opted those words to call our friend when he does something stupid.

Right. And then they said retarded, which we co-opted, and then it goes on to... Right, so like neurodivergent will be a pejorative in like 10 years. Atlantioaxial instability that's usually associated with the trisomy 21 genetic disorder

and then you go, ah, yeah, you put a metal plate in the microwave. What do you have, the Atlantioaxial instability? 10-year-olds are going to be lobbing that at each other. Don't say that words. Which I guess is okay, right? It's okay if language evolves to become

unusable at some point by people who aren't aggrieved by whatever that word describes. I don't know how much of it is bullshit. I don't know how much people are empowered by being able to be triggered. If that makes sense.

Oh, I can cause a fit. now this is a thing you weren't really triggered by it but now you can there's powerhood and victim right or they've been conditioned to be triggered by it it's almost like the collective like uh perspective on it gets into all of us and then we're like like my body has been taught to be triggered by that word so i don't even know if i'm like in control of it to a degree and uh this is i'm too old to be trained to have that physical reaction that you're talking about right yeah well you have to understand most of this is bullshit you know this like like how much of your actual day and that your your social circle do

you have to worry about how you say something i worry about it a lot well on this yeah on the microphone but i i don't know if i'm just so out of like i've developed a career and a you know an extended family of friends and like they're all comedy friendly and no one gets offended about anything or we wouldn't hang out with them so i don't know what your day-to-day life is like or i'm just right well i'm not sacrosanct that i can say anything i want because i hang out with people that are cool well i think that's part of the draw of getting into comedy too is that you can be in this no holds bar arena where you can say things without fear of judgment or like, you know, life impacting consequence. But I also perceive you as a very kind soul. Absolutely.

Right. You seem to me like a... The fucking nicest guy in the world. your comedy i think it always has like a a kind gentle heart at the core of it and there's always a lot of love in your perspective and and so i think the words are almost a way to like balance that right like the edges in the words but i mean there's so many words like now fuck is just a given like what used to be again i'm old you have to understand that so i've gone through all these cycles where people young people think it's new priest molestation has been topical at least four times in my career and then it goes away and all these things like fashion yeah yeah it's just like and people go oh this is in the news yeah it's been in the news and then they forget about it because it doesn't get any clicks anymore uh but yeah there's there's always compassion and the words like again you can

say fuck all the time now no one's saying oh that's a bad word now we have new bad words and it makes it makes you want to say it yeah i feel i feel like a lot of it is in la the conditioning there's a sort of been i i feel like in lot of it is in LA, the conditioning. I feel like in the past four or five years even the social conditioning outside of podcasting and stuff where people will have that carry that same sensitivity

to words and to everyday life, which I don't feel like exists outside. As I'm talking, I'm thinking, well, I guess your day-to-day life is being around stand-up comics that are younger. I can get away with shit because I have a built-in audience, but you still have to probably deal with doing fucking shows

at the improv or the comedy store where you're playing to not your fans. Yeah, and I don't even feel it as much in standup. I feel like even though people talk about how that's kind of gone away, I do feel like there's like a built-in kind of defense in standup. If you misstep like with your language that people are like, you're like, look, these are jokes and it's an attempt at making a point or finding levity.

But I do find in like Chad saying, and just like working in regular professions in Los Angeles, there's a heightened sensitivity. And I'm not sure it's a bad thing because I think it's made me more thoughtful. But I do think we're a little too punitive when people make mistakes. Yeah, but who's the we? What I'm trying to find the way to articulate is, are we... Who are we serving? Who are we defending ourselves against?

Is it a mob that we're creating? Like, yeah, there's people on Twitter that will go fucking ape shit about something, but that's not your fucking life. No. If you don't react. I think a lot of it, with a lot of people in LA, has to do with the feeling that your real life also exists sort of within the Internet.

And so there's sort of like a, I feel like, it feels like it's merged a little bit. Does that make sense? I'm sure L.A. is so completely different to my day-to-day life. Where you have Bisbee? sure la is so completely different to my day-to-day life maybe like okay uh what the the gender pronoun thing how often does that ever come up like i think people are battling just the same way you you know yell about sports like how often do you have to worry about saying the right pronoun in day-to-day life pretty often really well yeah because i work with some trans people and stuff so i try to be oh pretty and i have trans neighbors but i don't they don't care you know i don't ever say they or them or she or he i say hey you

your pipe just burst because it went under uh freezing and it's leaking and i'm gonna call a plumber because you're out of town yeah you, you say the C word and the R word and then fuck you, your pipe's under my house. I'm not doing my act to my neighbors. Can I treat them with respect? And when they fucking got their moped stolen, I go, hey, we got security cameras. We'll find the fucking guy that did it.

I think it's like when you live in a small town, you understand how much every every argument boils down to overpopulation if everyone lived in a town of 5 000 people you'd be cool because there's no homeless guy there's brokey we call him right but even that even that suggests familiarity in a relationship that you even have like, you know, you guys have nicknames for each other. Yeah. It's supply and demand. When there's too many fucking people, you care less about people.

I think the tide's starting to shift a little bit the other way now is that people are so sort of fed up with the oversensitivity and all that kind of stuff to where. Yeah, but that's yeah i'm sorry to cut you off no no go ahead go but what the problem is because people find it so hardcore they're pushing idiots into being kind of racist over the top i'm gonna say whatever i want now i'm gonna say things that are not even funny and are offensive just to prove I can say anything just like those people on my Facebook fan page that just as a backlash they're being unfunny in a way that is offensive isn't that like the greater truth about these things is that like in a society especially a big one we never find the nuanced middle we always over correct in one direction or the other like

we needed to get more sensitive we got too sensitive then we need to get more raw we're gonna get too raw and we're just always gonna be like fighting against the excess well until you finally figure out just stop being involved if you just get out yeah just yeah do your own thing when when you were coming out like legion of skanks like I know a lot of those guys they say fucked up but they kind of they have their own little thing they got their pirate ship and they're enough under the radar

that they're making fine livings and I mean I don't know all of their opinions and beliefs but I went to Skank Fest and I go ah there's a good mix of people here no one's an asshole no one's like it ain't some fucking mega fucking q anon rally right uh so yeah but they well you're with the real hardcore pussies today

when you were when you were coming up did was there did you feel that kind of sensitivity in sort of the stand-up world? Or were older comics sort of talking about political correctness? Or is it really sort of heightened at its peak today? No, when I was coming up, I never had a home. I started in Vegas, which only I think me and Sam Tripoli can say we started in Vegas because open mics wouldn't touch like the strip like the comedy clubs wouldn't touch open micers there was no crossover there's no room to grow you had to either leave Las Vegas or continue to do open mics for the rest of your life yeah there was no growing process so i never really had like a home i moved to phoenix and i was a house mc

at a shitty comedy club but they gave me a free hotel because it was in a hotel and that's how i got on the road i never and then i did triple gigs there was never like any pressure can you explain i know what they are but but could you explain what a triple was? Okay, sorry, for the listener, yeah, thank you. Triple was a legendary one-nighter booker where you'd work these shitty-ass

small towns, Winnemucca, Nevada, Walla Walla, Washington, all in the northwest. It was like Montana kind of area. Montana, Wyoming, Utah, and not Salt Lake. Right. Yeah, it was just Price, Utah, M, Utah, and not Salt Lake.

Yeah, just Price, Utah, Mining Town. Just all these little shitty gigs, and you drive forever, literally sometimes seven, eight-hour drives between gigs every night. Idaho Falls, and then all the way to eastern Montana to Billings, and then all the way back to western Montana to Missoula. It was like the Iditarod for comics. comics yeah but with the most fucked up routing okay the i did a rod starts in anchorage and then you go a little towards no but then you have to you forgot your keys back outside of anchorage and have to go get them and then you go towards no but you have to take a left because

that's the place you get pissed. It was like that. Yeah. So there was no pressure whatsoever. I was just repeating a bit that I did when I was a kid comic in Big Timber, Montana, that I'm not going to repeat. But I remember saying that. I was like 25 years old or 24 years old. years old at 24 years old and it was yeah it had it had a salty language that you have to use a vowel i don't know i'm actually still confused but i i'll tell you the point is there was no pressure whatsoever for any kind of language things language policing you could just let it know and in fact they probably wanted that i was at an age where I didn't have

opinions. I was just talking about titty bars and jerking off, because that's what you know at 25 years old. So where did your opinions come from? When I got old and bitter and you know, a couple of breakups and then you read a

smart fuck book just to impress a girl. Those breakups really do add a lot of cynicism to my life's perspective. I've talked to more comedians who started actually doing stand-up. I always wanted to, but once I got divorced or broke up, I'm like, I'm going to go talk shit about her on stage. And once you realize love doesn't have the meaning, you were kind of investing in it.

You're like, I need to find something else that someone else can't take from me. Or just you want to... Just talk shit on someone. There was no social media back then. Right. I want to talk shit about someone to every stranger in the world.

You had to get up an open mic. You couldn't just go on Instagram. It's so easy, though. Yeah, right. I do remember when I first started stand-up, that feeling of being up on stage and being able to say whatever you want to say was the most kind of intoxicating thing about it. I didn't even know how to structure a joke.

But I was just like, wow, I can say anything. And that's the problem. When you have the power to say whatever you want to say, sometimes those people want to say, I'm going to say the worst thing I could ever say. Because you have nothing to lose when you're open mic. Yeah, Blaine Kapach called it like the machete, like all edge and no point.

And I always thought that was a good way to say it. That's great. Yeah. Very good. That's great. Yeah. Very good. That stuck with me. What do you think you'd be doing if you weren't a comic? In a beautiful world, I would be a defense attorney. Whoa.

Oh, wow. Because if you look at my body of work, most of it is, and sometimes defending the indefensible and i make really good arguments i mean most of my the the best of my shit is an argument why is this if you look at it like this why can't this be this and like and then people that want to be offended go yeah i can't argue with that and those are the bits that you love to come up with. Like, oh, fuck. All right, I see the angle on this. And I do.

I do write like a defense attorney preps his case. Right. I'm going up there with a case. You're laying out the argument. You're taking it beat by beat. Yeah. And you're trying to land at a place that can't be refuted. Yeah, those are the best ones.

I'm not saying all of my shit is that good i've lost a lot of cases hey that's the that's the job you're knocking about a thousand yeah and uh i always see like your nationalism bit circulates the web oh my god and that's uh what i took 18 no no i wait yeah that's 2007 there's another one uh about freedom you're born free teach a man to fish that's 2004 and then it wasn't till fucking trump and all that like people started oh i think this is on point now like Yeah, those are all fucking decades old. Yeah, I was always wondering whenever I'd see those circulating around. I was actually making the rounds a week ago, I think. Do you enjoy that?

Or do you kind of like, oh, they're taking it the wrong way? Or do you sort of like... No, I always enjoy it. Of course I enjoy it. The only time is when they paraphrase it in a gif or whatever. Or not a gif, just a fucking meme, I guess is the right word. And they paraphrase it wrong without credit. Then I'm like, fuck you.

That's not how I said it. And it goes on longer than that. We just did the Adam Carolla. and it goes on longer than that. We just did the Adam Carolla and the special that is an old special, basically, that we released in May 2020, but now it's out for free on All Things Comedy and on YouTube.

So they're promoting that and he opened the show by playing the trailer that we put out which is just basically the segue because i remember when we put it out in 2020 we put out that trailer i'm like like that's so like carlin bullshit i'm like no that's the setup to the bit why don't you play the funny part of the well because it's like eight minutes long that's yeah that's my problem in this new world is hedberg would flourish right in this his reels on instagram would be insane just 30 second nuggets all this fucking shit whimsical beautiful

observations bit about the word retarded which has a million different arms to it, is 22 minutes. No one's going to sit through that in a tweet. Did you know Hedberg well? Yeah, in the early days. And once we both started headlining, we didn't see each other much. And then he was a junkie. And junkies don't get out as much as barflies. Right.

They're more introverted. Write that flies right they're more introverted right that more introverted by nature they need to they need to recharge at home alone uh our friend's doing a documentary about hedberg that i have to do an interview for tonight at seven i'm like i don't even i have like four stories that i've told. There's been like, oh, it's the anniversary of Hedberg's death, so we're doing this for SiriusXM, and then Shawcroft is his wife, and she's doing a thing. And over the years, he's died in 2005. It's nearly 20 years ago.

And I'm like, I don't have that much. I've said everything I have to say, so I just told him to write that down I don't know what to say in this interview that I haven't said enough so when you when you were starting off with like guys like Hedberg and you and I think you guys are kind of the same generation as like Attell and Marin and Louie and all those guys no no they're they were just ahead of us okay um so yeah i don't really did you did you but what i was trying to go did you have you guys ever tripped together yeah we've done mushrooms together yeah oh wow you hard you want to do some mushies now

no no because hedberg and i when we first met we were working the mall of America in Minneapolis knuckleheads comedy club and I was a middle act and he was the opener and Louis Johnson from Denver was a headliner and he had seen Hedberg and he's a you know watch this kid man this kid's funny but he was a shit MC I could see that yeah he he died most nights because he wasn't asking about, hey, who's here? Who's going to birthday? And he kind of looked down at the ground, and he was kind of in his own world.

To start a show in a comedy club where no one's a draw. Even now, most of the improvs, they're booking night by night someone that people know. It's not like comedy night anymore, where people just go, I love comedy. Let's go see random comedy. Back then, yeah. And so for a Hedberg to go up with no name recognition

and no panache as an emcee, hey, fill out your comment cards. There's none of that. Sometimes I like to throw, people say, Mitch, you don't have a lot of friends I say it's kind of sad I say yeah sometimes like when I throw a frisbee

you can't open with that after hey ladies and gentlemen it's Tuesday night you ready for some comedy you can do better than that. Whoa! Keep your waitresses and keep your table dark to a minimum.

Here's Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, I don't have a lot of friends. It just was... How was the mushroom trip, though? But then we did acid together at a Hampton Inn with this gal at the time, Jana Johnson, who, if you know one of my favorite bits of his because oh the girl i knew the girl yeah i don't have a girlfriend but i do

have a girl that would be very upset if she heard me say that now what and yeah knowing mitch we'll talk about this in the when you found out that so many of those Stephen Wright one-liners, and I think that's probably why he hated Stephen Wright comparisons, the same way I hate Bill Hicks comparisons. Interesting. Because a lot of his jokes were true stories whittled down to a one-liner. Yeah, condensed through like point of view. Yeah.

I mean, the ducks eat free at subway is because that actually happened to him and he made it into a Steven Wright like joke where Steven Wright made jokes. And that's why I hate Bill Hicks comparisons because I put all of my fucking humanity, my daily life, every awful thing. And you can watch Bill Hicks' entire library

and not know anything about- What he did like a week ago or anything like that. Do you have a wife? Do you have a girlfriend? Did you- He was like pure cultural critic and yours is more biographical. Yeah.

So I don't hate the comparison, nor did he hate because they were, it's always someone giving you credit no one's saying you you're fucking you suck as bad as bill hicks no it's always a polite thing did you guys hang out you and bill hicks no no he was yeah he died he passed before 94 when i was basically getting my sea legs in comedy i started in 90. Yeah, he was, we didn't cross over in fucking La Crosse, Wisconsin, or fucking

Big Timber, Montana. And then you, did you, you lived in LA for a period of time before? Ten years. Ten years? And you hated it, right? Well, when I got here, it was like, I, oh, you gotta, like, I went right from living to my car, out of my car for three years to, oh, you've got a development deal and an agent and a manager.

So for a minute, you're like, oh, bells and whistles and shiny objects. Yeah. Am I going to be famous? And then, but I've always hated traffic. You like that bar up on Sunset, though think coaching horses yeah that's mitch and i found that because he lived on sierra bonita and i lived on curson we walked here from the snake pit so we were north of that walking distance to the snake pit but we went to uh the coaching horses we would walk past and it was such a scary dive bar that was open

during the day the door was open but you never saw people coming in and out and that was right bar where we both lived and and i'd go you want to go in there like yeah man i i don't know and one day we went in and then it was just the most beautiful day drinking experience so we would go there all the time when we first both lived here nice do you get a lot of your uh inspiration from like the kind of people there and from just like the environment or are you just going there to like to get after oh no this was again this was like 1996 so no we just, like, I remember Quentin Tarantino came in one time. Like, a lot of people would go in there

because nobody was in there because it was scary. And we were sitting there just, like, you two. We're your age. And Tarantino sits down two stools away, and there's only five people in the bar. And we're like, we were about to leave

i'm like you want to buy tarantino a shot of jägermeister yeah you have to yeah let's do hey can we buy can we buy you a shot we just did a shot with tarantino and it was cool as fuck that is cool it's cool he did it i yeah and have to remember that. I don't drink all the shots that are sent my way, but I try to remember, because you don't want to be douchey. Like, how much it means to you. I remember I won the San Francisco comedy competition in 1995, and my managers were co-owners of the improv,

Mark Lano and Joanne Astro. And I came back and they had on the marquee, congratulations, Doug Stanhope, SF comp winner on the marquee, which to me at that point, I was at that point five years into comedy and I was all overjoyed. And I had my camera back then,

was not on a phone. I actually had a camera and i took a picture of it but then jerry seinfeld came in who's the biggest fucking comedian in the world at that point and he came in on an empty night at the improv and then he went outside to make a mobile cell phone call probably but he was sitting alone underneath my sign and i go i could go get a sign of my name on a marquee with jerry seinfeld on a fucking funk and i didn't have the balls to do it and i wish i had to this day i'm like i wish i had been that guy to get that picture so when people say i don't want to be that guy I'm like yeah be that guy gives you more memories

yeah just just don't go past it oh Jerry hey if you want to go I have vodka in my apartment if you want

thanks for letting me take the picture but hey can I go right you want to go to the jumbles clown room

or whatever no I just stop yourself get be that guy and then then stop. Make it a small imposition. Do you watch much like...

I was really curious. Did you watch like Don't Look Up? Yes, and I don't remember anything. I read a book. I remember if I like it. I watch a Netflix series. I remember... It's just a sentiment.

But Don't Look Up is that one with all the people and the thing. Now I sound like Michael Biehn. Yeah, Don't Look Up. I enjoyed that. That was a satire of whatever's going on in the world or something. I watched it right before I left. That's a good review. Yeah, I liked it do you i

was because i've been kind of thinking it's kind of like the platform which i actually watched twice so i remember it i'm kind of the same way with names i never listened the first time someone tells me their name one of you is jt one of you is chad and i would go with your Chad just by looks but the second time but the platform I recommended to everyone did you see that movie oh my god it's so good and only one person that I respect hated it and

don't look up I go my friend Valentina I go you're so gonna love this and she was the only one that didn't like it. Yeah, I get halfway through. It was too kind of on the nose. Anyway.

Right. Do you think like with the nature of the way the world's changing, that like kind of fiction and stuff is, I've been thinking lately like maybe fiction is like film and television is almost like out of touch now with the way we perceive things and look at things i i watch so little fiction and too much of what is supposed to be reality is fiction now but it's constructed reality right yeah well they they when i don't even know if everyone knows this,

but at some point what was trending on Twitter was what was actually trending, what people were clicking on. And at some point they changed that. And now you see trending and other things that they're just forcing into what's up now. They changed that. If you pull up Twitter, I know I said that to Chrissy Mayer,

who is like so fucking, I guess, hardcore right wing. I don't get involved. But she did not know that. Like, yeah, it's not necessarily trending. And I noticed it because they'll have stories. San Francisco Chronicle says, which is essentially clickbait headline,

and then it's a subscription service. You have to subscribe to click on what they have and the trending... If you have to pay for it, it's not fucking trending on Twitter. No one's... Are you saying the articles or stories or the kind of things that they kind of want you to look at, they're sort of inserting in there?

That would invite a fight. Right. So-and-so said, Beyonce is divorcing so-and-so, or some politician is, you know, because there's certain ones that say trending and then there's also ones that are promoted but they're where it used to say trending now like that's not people don't give a fuck about this you're making people give a fuck about this do you think that the media and like tech companies are sort of consciously trying to stoke a culture war well it's good business for news to be what's your favorite reality show where everyone gets along right you need conflict and news is a

business so yeah they're gonna make you fight they're going to pick sides and divide us. Does anyone really want just a good game? No. No, you want there to be some raw, more provocative elements. Yeah, no one watches sports for the fucking athletics. No, it's like fighting. When I watch a fight, I want the two fighters to be selling a pissed-off matchup. I want them to be angry at each other before the fight.

And that always sells better. When they're being too respectful, you respect them for it, but you don't want to watch as bad. Yeah, that's why I fucking hate Conor McGregor as much as I hate any kind of, whatever bullshit right-wing, left-wing debate. Because it does sell tickets, and I try not to get involved in that. I could be such a great troll.

I would be a better troll than a comedian. I could start so much shit, and I could pick a side. If I picked a side, I could be bigger than any fucking comic that is... Because I know how to sell bullshit. I started selling bullshit before I was a comedian. And it just seems so cheap and fucking rigged to... I'm going to be outspoken.

I was asking Adam earlier. Like, can you spot the difference? Whatever kind of cancel culture me too. Can you innately see the ones that are just making this up to get a spotlight on them? Because there's so opaque and apparent to me where you don't care about who grabbed your ass at a fucking thing or an audition or said the wrong word you're just doing this why would anyone lie about this move to hollywood and get in the business and see what people will do to get any notice in in in the industry yes, they would lie about that. Yes, they would fake this. Well, it seems like in society, like in the culture today,

there's sort of victimhood is like equated with status. Like if you're a victim, then you have some sort of status. Yeah, and then you have to be more of a victim to get more status. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. It's true. Do you watch The Bachelor at all? Bachelor?

I've been forced to by a friend. Did you like it? Occasionally. Two friends. It's amazing, right? Morgan Murphy. No, I hate it. I'm going to have to piss.

I just saw Hannigan. I have to leave to piss. You got to go now? No, I'm going to have to wait for him to get back. I'm going to have him fill my seat and you can pick his brain for about 90 seconds about what it's like to manage a guy like me. And I have a business relationship that should be the standard in that for 20 years now,

plus, uh, yeah, no, 20 years, almost exactly. He works for me. I don't have an agent.

He's my manager agent, and he gets a percentage. And if I don't work, he doesn't work. 20 years, that's a good long relationship, especially for that kind of arrangement. And when you look at agent-manager situations here, where I don't know what you've done or where you've been reps and whatnot yeah how many how many times do they have a thousand fucking clients and one of you does something good and they take credit for it where they're just signing every fucking random person

who's doing their own legwork and then throws fucking spaghetti against the wall and goes, hey, I represent that person. Yeah, how many people who aren't working do you represent? And they're all, Hennigan, you're stepping in. I set you up. I have to piss. So I just described our business relationship. Yeah, Brian, do you want to come over here and take a seat for a second?

If I don't work, you don't work. All of the advice Doug gives you is billable. So, yeah. Okay, what do you want to ask? Is Doug your, do you have other clients or is Doug your? I just explained that, Brian. Oh, they weren't listening.

You weren't listening. No, I only work with Doug. Oh, nice. How did you guys meet? I brought Doug over to the 2002 Edinburgh Festival. I brought over... I myself was a comedian. I got to being a middle-level comedian in the UK,

but then I started running venues and shit, and I had a semi-competent business background, so it was very easy for me and then i got some sponsorship money from a scottish beer company called tenants and i approached a comedian that i know called david crowe out of um seattle and i said i want to bring you over to the uk and i got off the phone call from with david crowe ande and then I went, oh I need more than David Crowe so I called him back and I said

is there anyone else, who else do you think could do well at the Edinburgh Festival? And he said have you heard of a guy called Doug Stanhope? And I went, no. And he said, you should get him. And this is one of the great things about comedy because I learned this very quickly indeed on that call never look to anybody other than a comedian

for advice about who's a good comedian so because if a comedian tells you somebody else is a good comedian they're always right agent agents producers whatever they're no they've got a vested interest right david crowe told me like just get doug stanhope and i without even looking at anything doug had ever done i sent him an email saying would you like to come to the Edinburgh festival and he gave me a one word email response which was, sure. And that was it. And that was the start of a nice relationship. So there we go.

I'll step partner. Yeah, we could hear you peeing. I think you had a nice strong stream. Strong prostate. Yeah. Yeah, nice working right. No one ever brings that up on podcasts. I heard you have a brilliant prostate.

Yeah, you were. That was a brilliant prostate yeah you were that was a fucking nice like dumping out a pot of coffee all at once there's no forcing it it's just slosh you know i remember uh speaking of like physical attributes uh there was like an old comedy thread where comedians would like talk to each other i don't even know on what platform but it was like pre like web 2.0 or whatever you call it. But you and Louie were having like a, kind of like a humorous debate about how to take care of yourself on the road.

On the old ACS? I think that might've been what it was. Yeah. But Louie was basically talking about how you got to work out and like run. And he had this whole- He was worried. He's always been, I worry about you.

And I, when I say always, I think I've talked to him maybe eight times in my career. But he's like, I worry about you. And then we did that episode. I just, when you said physical attributes,

someone on Twitter was promoting. Yeah. And evidently he has a huge dick which is completely the opposite yeah we got small cocks too yeah but i i just thought that would be such a great way to fuck with a comedian like just spread a rumor like a comic i don't know chris d'alia but i've heard a lot of people making jokes at his expense. Like, just have all your fan base just go, just occasionally on social media go, yeah, he evidently has the biggest cock since Milton Berle. So, like, every chick, every 13-year-old chick he dates or whatever it is.

But this goes back to the meme thing where, like where people would put out memes about, that said, and attribute it to me about left wing, right wing shit that I never said and put my name on it. And I go, I've never fucking said anything close to that.

I've never, but then I thought, oh, that's a great way to fuck with people. Just put out a meme that is so like, that is so Nazi-ish and then attribute it to someone. Right. But yeah, to claim someone who's a womanizer has a huge cock. I just go, oh, or talk about it in podcasts.

Oh, you know the legend of Dane Cook's cock? Does he have a big piece? He's not a womanizer but just so like like if you had a milton burl legendary giant cock and then every woman expected it you're like i didn't put any of that out there it's not true yeah you gotta lower expectations yeah a girl comes back to your hotel room yeah i said i saw all this stuff on the internet like it wasn't me it's not right i feel like you got to do that for like the more esoteric like you gotta say emo phillips has a giant cock emo phillips probably is not slinging a lot of cock on the road right now but like you

maybe i'd do it to you i love you nice please by all means go yeah i did that that going deep and wow fucking jt could go deep with that giant fucking cocky showed us after the show and you're like i can't believe doug stanley i don't know why he said that no i don't know i said that it looked like i respect doug's opinion and you guys need pussy that's the only reason you're in this business is you're young and pussy is your fucking that's your your your you know it wasn't that for me at the start at the start i just wanted to be like a good artist and explain myself in a way that was the first time you do karaoke you want to nail a little red corvette and hit the fucking

high pitch and then you want pussy when you sing it the second time i have had sets where like if there's pretty girls in the audience i'm like oh i hope they're liking this. And I feel like I worry about that. I stress about it. I don't want that to get into my head too much as my motivation for what I'm saying. Well, that's fucking human nature. Eventually, it's Mike Tyson. What do you mean?

Where he was banging two at a time before the bus turned this way? No, no. I did two nights at the comedy store, Tuesday and Wednesday, and before the show, I don't give a fuck about hot chicks anymore. But now I'm performing in front of my peers. Every time I come back to L.A., it's the only time I see all these comedians

that are my peers, and I want to fucking kill. And right before I go on stage, Richie, the GM, comes in. Hey, I just came from a thing with Kenan Thompson and Mike Tyson. They're coming to the show, so they're going to be in there. And I'm like, why would you tell me that before the show? I know, I know. Mike Tyson is going to be at my show?

And then it's in my fucking head, and I'm like, what if he's sitting in the front? Because I can't see the room until you walk out there. Do I have anything I would say to mike tyson and i'm already trying to remember my act that i've not just two weeks back from filming a fucking movie and i'm you're trying to be and then you start thinking what would mike tyson think is funny how can i make mike tyson laugh yeah what would i interact with him should Should I ignore him? Just, just... And then he never fucking showed up. After, I go, was Tyson even here? He goes, no, he said he got too high.

He couldn't make it. And then the next day, I was all feeling like I got stood up by Mike Tyson. Now you're mad at Mike Tyson. Yeah, Mike Tyson, who I don't know, and I was all excited. And now it's Mike tyson's fault but so yeah you do the same thing with hot chicks right so i'm saying i'm still in the same place

where i can get frazzled over right there's always some audience member that you might be thinking about too much or catering to too much but that's just the process of doing and it doesn't end is what i'm saying. I'm giving you no sense of hope. It never goes away. I appreciate that. I don't want hope. It just goes in different angles. I want the cold truth. Oh, my dad is here tonight. Or a kid I hated in high school 30 years

later is here tonight. Whoever. Do you get nervous before going on stage? No, I'm not drunk. I don't feel anything but i mean things can fuck with your head right uh yeah i get nervous in the uk far more than i do here because i'm always worried about does this translate yeah their cultural reference point's the same as mine yeah and they're so much smarter than us are they

the fucking hecklers over there are funnier than most comics on any given night at the comedy store they know how to talk shit you don't necessarily understand what they say so they go and the crowd laughs

and you go alright I hope that was in my defense, or was that at my expense? I don't know. And then you plow through. When did you start wearing the outfit on stage? Well, not this. I got a closet full. I'm a fucking filthy hoarder now.

But our friend and neighbor bought me, because she had seen me occasionally wear. I'd wear weird shit throughout my career. Back in the Hedberg days, I would wear a Santa hat when we were both middle acts. For like a whole year, I would wear a Santa hat on stage for no reason. So occasionally. But once my neighbor bought me a fucking great great coat it's the one i wore in uh uh the one in portland a beer hall putsch and i she gave it to me and then randomly in a thrift store because we always go to thrift stores my whole life i found a pair of yellow polyester

pants and i went oh this matches that jacket. And then I figured out, oh, white shoes would go with this. And once I could figure out a full suit, then we just hit vintage shops and thrift stores religiously. So now I have a whole closet full of, and I spend more time honestly putting together what suits I'm going to wear on this tour. Okay, well, I've got to get the right socks to go with it. And I get the socks. Those are orange and brown. And that goes with.

And I shouldn't put this much time into my act. Do you write in like pen to paper? Yeah, yellow legal pad. You do? Old school. pen to paper. Yeah, yellow legal pad. You do?

Old school. And you know what? In the day, in the 90s, when I got here, that was the rift between alt and road comics happened with David Cross and what's her name? Janine Garofalo and all of them. And they hated all the improv road hack needs.

Me and Hedberg were... Could do both. That's another thing, note for Hedberg, where we did not take sides. Yeah. Like, we were not in either camp. We fucking drank alone. I say that on stage now.

The only people I don't want in my show are left or right wing people. Just, yeah, keep your fucking opinions at home. But yeah, we were like that in that day. And what was the question again? Do you put pen to paper? Oh, pen to paper. Yeah.

I don't remember what the segue was, but I know the next podcast is going to be a disaster because now I'm starting to get pretty drunk. That's great. Pen to paper, yes. Oh, that was... Back then, alt comics would go up with

and read notes. Like Doug Benson would read notes and Sarah Silverman would read notes and then the road comic faction would go, you're not even professional if you go

up with notes and again I didn't have an opinion but now I have an opinion where I see comics go up with their phones because it looks like you're texting or tweeting like if you're looking at notes

people know you're not like bored with them and seeing what fucking what time Applebee's is open until because when you're looking at notes, people know you're not, like, bored with them and seeing what fucking, what time Applebee's is open until. Because when you're on your phone, you could be doing anything. So, yeah, if you're going to use notes on stage, write them on a fucking yellow legal pad. Don't put them on your phone. Right. I guess, yeah, I think... So that's if you want to include old fucking angry, bitter men that used to...

We used to put them on notes. On the soapbox. Yeah, you're telling us how it is. God, fucking Saturday Night Live is... Pretty bad, right? Well, no, it's always been bad, but Trump's biggest war crime was making it relevant again

because all that industry like abc well what are what are comedians saying well let's go to network comedy which is irrelevant to all comics you don't go oh i gotta stay up for kimmel tonight nothing against kimmel, but that's where CNN would go, oh, let us get our finger on the pulse of what comedy is saying about, well, that's not the pulse, is late night with fucking whoever's on Seth Meyers. Do you ever watch Seth Meyers? How often do you? No.

Or whatever. No, it's hard to watch any comedy. I mean, that's what I was kind of talking about with the fiction thing, is I just kind of only watch, like, dating shows or real-life stories, or, yeah, like, read nonfiction. Yeah. It feels like all the distilled versions of what we're going through feel a little bit. Impractical Jokers, I fucking love since day one.

Right. That's the only comedy I watch and i watch religiously it's the best hangover cure for a sunday marathon session of impractical jokers after impractical jokers that's pretty much the only funny thing i ever watch i hear you it's tough um should we answer some questions? Oh, yeah. We're going to do that thing. Hannigan keeps looking at me like maybe it's... Well, I don't know what... No, I'm great.

I don't know if it's time to go, but I looked at my watch. What's up, guys? I'm interrupting this podcast to let you know once again that we have a new Patreon out. If you want to listen to bonus episodes each week, me and JT's solo episodes, go to patreon.com slash ChadGoesDeep to become a patron. We also have tour dates. We're going to be in your city. To check out our tour dates, go to chadjt.com for all ticket links. links we're also brought to you by summer in argyle this new audible original created and written by nate odenkirk and his father emmy award winner bob odenkirk pop in your earbuds and visit the town of argyle ohio it's a place that celebrates the spirit of close enough and enjoys both an annual hot dog eating contest and an annual murder

hear about argyle's darkest secret the mysterious death of a magnificent bowler who never bowled and instead warmed the bench the way Argyle folk love. You guys, this is an excellent murder comedy. I suggest hopping on ASAP. It's one hot dog murder comedy with everything on it. Visit audible.com

slash summer in Argyle and listen now. Hashtag summer in Argyle. We're also brought to you by the legends at manscaped manscaped thank you so much for keeping our trims pubed for looking after our hogs for making sure their dinks are looking fresh and clean because manscaped has a new shower routine they have the ultra premium body wash with aloe vera and sea salt keeping you looking and smelling smelling fresh it's hair care time you got the shampoo and condition it has coconut water green tea aloe turmeric and sage uh and they also

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of a brutal situation that has befallen me my lady in the new york yankees been living in the city since graduating college a few years ago and met a totally legit girlfriend we've been dating for a few months now but it's recently come to my attention that she has been spending a night or two every week hanging out with John Carlos Stanton and his entourage. John Carlos Stanton is this big beast baseball player for the Yanks. Unfortunate, I know that. The ball jumps off his bat faster than

anyone. There are even pictures of my girlfriend and John Carlo together at Le Bain with large bottles of Don Julio 1942. Need your advice here because I think my girlfriend could have been the one. Want to keep the relationship going, but I'm also a massive Yankees fan. I don't want to get in the way of Giancarlo and his massive hog in case my girlfriend is raising a stoke and propensity to hit dinger this season. Desperately awaiting your advice, Sean.

This is where we, if I hadn't opened my mouth, this is where we talk about Giancarlo's having the biggest cock. It's over 18 inches. Oh, man. And then if... Then... It's too big. No, but... I'm saying,

my earlier idea for a prank, then we could have just now done this about Giancarlo. Yeah. And just... So then his girlfriend's really upset when he doesn't really have that big of a dong. Right.

All right. It's a way to subtly undermine. No, I know what you mean. Yeah. Just, well, just keep fucking her. Like, so what? Like, if she's fucking that other guy, what do you want out of the relationship? What do you think?

I, I, uh? I would be threatened. I would be threatened if my girlfriend was hanging out a couple days a week with someone like Giancarlo Stanton. And I think it could... This guy doesn't seem to be as insecure about it as I would be. Did he say why she's hanging out with him? You read that kind of fast, and I'm thinking kind of slow. I think they've been dating for a few months

and she's been spending a night or two every week hanging out with John Carlo Stanton and his entourage. There's even pictures of them hanging out. There's a lot of white. You should take this as a phone call because there's a lot of white. Every now and then

the Yankees player says are you free a few nights this week with me and my friends? Sometimes people just want to have fun and going to things like that are exciting. So I'm not necessarily thinking that there is a sexual component, but I do think by and large people in those situations in John Carlos Stanton's position want to be hanging out with people with the possibility of what's the kid's name? Sean, Sean, sit down and do an edible or just this mushroom stem and consider how hot is

my girlfriend? Really? She might just be fucking carrying baggage. Does she have a hotter friend that Giancarlo might want to fuck? Is she hot enough that a Yankees star is banging her on a regular basis? Because in my prime, as an athlete, I would be fucking different. I would never be fucking the same girl a few times a week i would fuck her once and leave so if she's spending a few nights a week

for over a course of time probably is he's fucking her friend or she does something else he's probably not fucking her repeatedly so you're i i think too i would take a page out of your book and just talk about how big his cock is to his girlfriend that's yeah say i i heard on a podcast like this guy's cock i heard his cock is 20 inches i heard well as he's probably very young so say i heard he actually killed two women with the size of his penis and had to pay out-of-court settlements because his penis is so huge yeah i think i would just keep talking about how big his cock is and then you're good i i heard he suffers from premature ejaculation because the women is with her so hot.

And then if he's like, if he's banging her for a while, she's like, I guess I must not be that hot because he didn't premature ejaculated me. So I must not be that hot. she suffers the shame of not being able to make the Yankees player that she's cheating on you with come quick enough, and then she'll kill herself. Next email. Well, do you guys think that's... My responses make sense in my head, but I think I get a lot of confused looks. Let me hit a vape pen for the first time ever. You want to do it?

No, no, I have one here. Oh, you do? Nice. I tried it early this morning because I always smoke in podcasts, but I know I can't. And I took too big of a hit, I guess, and then I coughed like the first time I ever smoked pot. So I'm going to hit it gently.

What do you think about it? That works I didn't cough I'll play with it That's only the second time I've ever hit a vape I would tell this dude too I think you're handling it really well He seems to be pretty cool

And open minded See this is why it should be a phone call Has he got to meet the Yankees guy? Does he get free tickets what's the fucking there's there's pros and cons just like having a baby like all right she's fucking that guy but do you get to ride in his fucking chauffeured fucking limousine tesla what are you getting out of this how are you milking the fucking jean carlos yeah i guess i'm just perceiving it from like thinking he wants a monogamous relationship.

But what are your opinions on like monogamy and polyamory and those things? This kid obviously sounds like he's 23. And no, no, it's a terrible idea. But that's all you want. That's when you have your testosterone up and you're looking at my girl and shit. And then eventually, like, look at my girl because I'm looking at other girls and she's going to bother me if no one's looking at my girl and shit and then eventually like look at my girl because i'm looking at other girls and she's gonna bother me if no one's looking at her yeah he obviously is in a situation where it's all that young jealousy boner so you had that when you were younger and

then it kind of yeah it slipped away as you just went through more life experience that's great once you become dead inside we should we should sell that as a self-help book brian dead inside how to be the best way to live as free as me how long have you been married again 16 years 16 yeah but we have an unconventional relationship how did you guys establish that we didn't it just evolved yeah you don't ask each other questions what drew you guys to each other uh alcoholism and mental illness right hey those are good things mine and hers and you'll get you'll get close quick that way yeah and it's worked out perfectly there's no one i'd rather be with for the rest of my life and uh nice yeah

she's fantastic um yo what up council i would like to stay anonymous i'm a new resident of salt lake city five plus months not mormon and love it out here but i have some trouble making friends and meeting ladies i'm trying to better myself, doing more dates, volunteering, and going to the climbing gym skiing. But none of these have flourished into meeting a solid squad. I quit the dating apps because of lack of luck, and then after a two-month no-date spree, a second date tried to peg me without warning or permission for the first time hooking up. I'm not into that stuff. My roommates are cool, but I have serious relationships, which lead to a lot of nights of myself.

I try to meet people while doing the hobbies above, but should I be more aggro and asking for numbers to hang out outside of that? Is that an anxiety I have to get over? Should I re-download Hinge at the risk of another weird experience? I'm excited to hear your advice, and P.S. Fuck Puzio. He's 24 and he works full time in remote tech. The pegging stood out in that. That's never her idea.

You think he's a you think he. Did he say unexpectedly? Yeah. She threw it at him. Well, yeah. How do you get in that position? No chick goes out to a bar going, I want to fuck a guy in the ass

with a strap that I can't feel. Pegging is something. Do you think he has the wrong idea of what pegging is? Do you think she just tried to stick a finger in his ass? I have no idea, but I kind of believe him. I think

they went home and he was like, Hey, what are you into? And she was like, I want to peg you. And he wasn't ready for that level of what a chick would only want to do that. If you wanted her to do that, you think so? These girls are wild,

man. Some of these girls out here trying to pay, but you get no pleasure as a woman out of pegging a guy. That's not something like it's something you wouldn't mind doing. If you were like in a weird relationship, like Fat Mike from NoFX is in all that fucking weird shit. And, but it's not like a girl is hanging out.

Like I just, I'm looking for a guy to peg. I know, but here the JT chat access out. Like they're basically, you're basically saying that is what they do. I'm not saying saying it hasn't happened to him i haven't been propositioned that way but i do think that there's people who are turned on by the idea of doing that to someone and that maybe he because he's struggling to meet people maybe he went out with someone who's a bit more eccentric because that was what was all right

well he made it sound like she brought him home only to peg him. That's what I think happened. Yeah, but that doesn't make sense. That's something that a woman, a woman has her choice of, like, that's not, go ahead. Maybe she just wanted him to leave. Yes, right.

That's a good point. That's a good point. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry sorry thank you for asking us the most unanswerable question in the world is hey i'm new in a town how do i meet ladies fucked if any of us know if we knew then we'd be selling books and we wouldn't give a year the information for free but i do remember Paul R. Brown was a comedian that I did open mics with in Las Vegas when I started.

And I remember his joke where he said, tourists ask me a lot, hey, Paul, how do I get laid in this town? And I said, it's just like any other place. Lower your standards. So there's your advice from Paul R. Brown. I would also tell us, dude, I think you're just keep doing what you're doing it sounds like you're having exciting experiences and they might be few and far between at this point but you'll get some momentum just keep going get all

the apps ask everybody to hang out just be shameless in your uh you know desire to do these things and it'll play hard to get. Allow yourself to get pegged on the first date. The next time it's your fantasy. Which is fisting. I let you peg me, now you gotta play ball. Are you pretty sexually adventurous?

Not anymore. I've always been, yeah. You ever been in a pegging situation? Yeah. How was it? Was it fun? It's not as fun as it looks in the porn. A lot of stuff, it hurts in real life.

It's better to just jerk off to it in pornography. It makes sense. If you were in his situation second date and she tried to peg you, would you have allowed her to? No, not when I was a kid. You have to go through all the motions. It's like the 12 steps of AA. Right.

You first have to accept that you're powerless. That you get into in porn and then try in real life. Yeah. It makes sense to me too that this is in Utah, like in a place that's fairly religious and restrictive in what you're allowed to do or what's deemed socially acceptable, so that it feels like, to me,

that would push people into doing more stuff like that as a kind of a way to break out of that. Yeah, under the covers. Yeah. In the dark of night. Exactly. Yeah, this girl was wearing a dress that went all the way to her feet. Well, the problem is finding

a strap on to buy in that town so she had to makeshift it and whittle the dildo out of scrimshaw and then fucking all the leather belt herself out of fucking her dad's hot she's handy yeah yeah she she had a she had a strip of cow of its fucking fur and tan it to make the leather strap for the strap on. Totally. All right. Girlfriend's annoying friend. What's up, my dogs? Love the pod.

I'm a longtime listener. Here's the deal. I recently get into a relationship and things have been going great. I wanted to finally meet two of my best friends and she wanted me to meet one of her best friends. So we set up a night at my place. Her friend turned out to be super annoying. Let me explain. Not only would she not stop talking, but she would only talk to my girlfriend. And whenever she stopped talking and my girl finally had a chance to engage with my friends, her friend would immediately start feeding her with esoteric topics about people from their past who none of us know. Me and my friend were trying to get good conversations going, but the flow kept getting killed because she would just ignore whatever

we were talking about and keep taking my girl away from the conversation. It was pretty awkward, embarrassing, and I feel kind of disrespected. This was an important night for me. I really liked this girl and my friends mean the world to me. Her friend didn't seem to care that this was my girl's chance to finally meet my friends. Now my friends went away feeling like they barely met her my girl tried her best to talk to my friends but i'm not exaggerating when i say that her friend would not shut up for the whole night i want her to hang with my friends again soon but i don't want her friend to be there is there any way to make that happen without being rude i got this one what's his name uh uh. No, I'm talking about that guy again. Aaron.

That's my answer. Can you amplify? You have to get Aaron to cherry pick your fucking emails and then redact all the unnecessary information and make sure it's relevant. You know, when Bill Burr reads emails, he doesn't know what it's relevant you know when bill burr reads emails he doesn't know what it's going to be but someone all went through all the emails going oh this one would be good for the show that was the most fucking run-on nonsense hey a lady talks too much how many different ways can

i say it i've added several choices of how you can say one thing and you're boring to fucking begin with. How do I get a girl to shut up? Leave. And that guy should be doing all this work. He's still not said a word. Why is he not

fucking reading through this shit? We have someone who's supposed to be doing it. Oh oh he's a great guy but it's uh it's uh it's the friend it's his girlfriend's friend yeah i know but the point is so fucking just don't go out with them yeah i don't understand relationships where why do you have to go out with them to begin with are you fucking in some kind of contract i do agree he's being a little overly sensitive about the situation yeah if my wife had a fucking boring friend over i would go somewhere

else and she would understand and she has signs when she's being when my wife is in a awkward social situation with one of my fucking run-on boring friends she says i gotta go i have diarrhea and no one questions her because she's got mental illness and they believe she has diarrhea and they think it's adorable that she had to just scream i have diarrhea doesn't they don't know it means you're fucking boring her to death and i don't know why Why'd he have her friends come to meet the guy friends? Why'd they all meet together? Yeah, why at the same time? It's a lot.

Yeah, and he's asking how do I get her to come out again without her friend. And that seems fairly easy to achieve. Like you just say, hey, can you come over just you? Yeah, I would just bring her over to meet my friends instead of having this whole get-together. Are they all fucking Mormons? Are all your correspondents Mormons? They are a lot from Utah, yeah. But it seems like you have a similar fan base to mine.

These are all dudes. Oh, yeah. There's no chicks emailing. These are all dudes. There's no chicks emailing. All right. Do we feel like we adequately addressed that one? Yeah.

That guy had no... None of these people have any real problems. How do I meet people? Be more interesting. That's true. Yeah. I was just telling a story about when i tried to get in the sky bar when that was the like biggest thing in the 90s like oh you have to be on the list and you can't get in the sky bar and it's right across from the comedy store and i go well let's try i was drunk and had some

fucking courage and bravado and i go yeah we just played at the comedy store open mic probably uh is your name on the list no but here and I palmed him at 20 to see if that would work and uh and he just looked down and he shook his head at me like I was pathetic and I walked away with the whatever two friends I was with and I'm like well I tried and then I looked in my hand and I had picked a one it wasn't a twenty I tried to

palm him a dollar where he probably thought I was being a dick and insulting him where I was thoroughly embarrassed are we doing oh we're done with the computer are we doing the thing we're doing the next part yeah where I was thoroughly embarrassed. Are we doing, oh, we're done with the computer? Are we doing the thing?

We're doing the next part. Yeah. That you were lightly prepped for. Yeah, the phrase, I couldn't think, I had one of the things, but go ahead. This is the regular thing on your cast. Yeah, this is how we do it. But I think you'll figure it out quickly. I'm becoming a king of vaping.

Right here, right here on this podcast. I think you'll figure it out quickly. I'm becoming a king of vaping. Right here. Right here on this podcast. I think it looks good on you. I took a drag the first time in the hotel to try it out like I would off an American spirit, and I coughed my fucking lungs out. But now I got it. Why is it you're vaping? Nicotine.

Okay. Do you get a stronger hit from that than cigarettes but do you like no oh no I can't take if I took a drag like I would off a cigarette I already almost died in my hotel just making sure it worked

but yeah it's fine alright let's do it Chad who's your beef of the week my beef of the week is with the news. I don't know why I started watching the news or just news shit over the past few weeks just because of the Ukraine, all that kind of stuff. It just puts me in the worst mood. And I'm like, why do I?

It ruins my day. I don't even know why I started watching it. So then I just stopped a few days ago, and I feel much better. Nice. And I think it's, I like the idea of not knowing what's going on. Well, you should have been my show at the Comedy Store. I explore, I agree and explore that in depth. Let's go.

My Beef of the Week is with the Einstein Brothers bagel shop at LAX. Oh, don't get me started. I went in there at 11.15 and I said, can I get the bagel sandwich with eggs and bacon? And they said, we're sorry, we're not serving breakfast. Oh, I'm the fuck off. I'm serious. Are you guys fucking with me no i'm dead serious and uh and they said uh all right go to deadbeat hero and uh subway breakfast sandwich

i think that's another yeah all right go ahead uh and they said we're not serving breakfast and i was like well what could you possibly be serving it's? It's a bagel place. This is a giant bit from 2004 that includes my mother's suicide, which was prescient because... That was an incredible bit. Oh, no, this is... There's three mother suicide bits. There's one on Sicko where I go, eventually she's going to kill herself.

And then on 2004 about subway breakfast sandwiches which is i can see the never mind i'm not i'll let i'll let you look it up there's a subway breakfast sandwiches 2004 deadbeat heroes the name of the album okay and i still i'm still that upset about places that don't serve breakfast. Because Subway, the only difference between all of their sandwiches and breakfast is the egg. This pre-bratty, pre-made fucking fake egg. We're on the same page. Can I get bacon? Can I get lettuce?

Why 11 o'clock is just the one egg? I know where it sits. I watch you make it every day. It's in that cabinet. It's not away. Let's go. This place is the side. And every other part of your fucking sandwich is.

Why? I never found an answer. Who's your Beef of the Week, Doug? My Beef of the Week is just now coming down here. I was fucking four-way stop signs where someone stops before you, but then they wave you through. Like, no, go ahead. Well, no, it's a law. A four-way stop is whoever stops first goes next.

And you can't just decide to be some fucking Deputy Dan that's going to change the law. And maybe I can't see through your fucking windshield because the sun's shining off it. So you're doing this to me. And I don't know that because I'm looking at the glare off your windshield knowing I'm doing the right thing by going next. And you think you can just change the fucking rules by being a gentleman and waving me through. No, you fucking recognize when you stop and you go fucking past it. And this is very angry Seinfeld kind of material that I thought of

as we were walking the three blocks from this fucking snake pit and everyone's stopping at four-way stops and not knowing, well, there's a beef. That's a good beef.

Yeah, but I can't put it in my act because you go, well, he lost it. It doesn't match up with the more difficult subject matter. It doesn't brand right. No, it's all got to fit.

Chad, who's your baby of the week? My baby of the week is my sister Bridget. She's a master of logistics. She's planning a trip for us. I don't like planning trips at all. And she's got the master itinerary. And she's on top of it. That's all I got, man.

That's great. But she's like playing this trip. She's like, I got a hotel for you. I got tickets for you. I got the restaurant reservations all lined up for you. And I'm like, thank you so much. Dude, you got to give it up. Dude, my babe of the week is the girl,ie arts applebee's from the art department she was

the art department of this movie i just filmed and we've kept in touch since we stopped filming and i just keep trying to impress her and uh so i drop names and stuff and i so my babe of the week is katie arts from chicago because i keep either name dropping people i see in la to her or name dropping her on podcasts that i do yep nice yeah my uh my ex girlfriend played my ex-girlfriend in this movie and we're both now people of a certain age. And when we met Katie Arch, she goes, back in the day, I know you would have been all over that. I go, no, even back in the day, I would have known she's always out of my league. But now I'm old and I keep flirting with her. And so, yeah, that's my babe of the week.

What's the movie you just shot? Did you write it? No, no. But it seems like they fucking knew me when they wrote it. Yeah, it's called The Road Dog. So it's theroaddogmovie.com, but there's nothing really there yet. About a comic on the road?

Yeah, it's basically kind of the same character I played in Louie. Like the washed- up alcoholic chain smoking comic but a different angle of it like a the old guy that episode of louis was so impactful did you feel like when you were doing it could you tell that it was going to resonate with people so much no and that's the problem you have there's so many people involved you know conversely stand up you know immediately if you suck right you get that instant feedback and you're the only person in charge in a movie i i i don't act so i don't know if i acted well if i did it once great well i have to do it four more times from different angles and over

someone else's shoulder and so you're saying the same jokes in a row not even jokes this is more of a drama almost and uh and then you don't know how it's lit or what kind of fucking cameras they're using you don't know any of this shit so it's gonna it'll be a year before i know if i suck right imagine if you had to do your first open mic and wait for a year for the audience. To see how people responded to it. To respond. That's hilarious.

So I... Yeah, that's it. There's a whole bunch of... That's going to be the next podcast. Fitzsimmons is in it. And then my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, who plays my ex-girlfriend, at the last minute when I got there,

a week before shooting, I go, so who's this long-lost love girlfriend who's playing that? And they go, well, our person fell out. Do you have any ideas? I go,

well, I do have my long-l lost girlfriend from 25 years ago that i treated like shit like the cast is role is she an actress yeah she is and we got her we got my long lost girlfriend from 25 years ago to be my long lost girlfriend from 25 years ago and then we got margan fitzsimmons to play my old comedy buddy that's working with me on the road after 17 years to work with me on the road after 17 years exactly like just like the script is written is there's so many coincidences in this movie was it cathartic working with your ex on yes

yes that must have been great. Yeah, it was fantastic. His ex is kind of a well-known, or was, like your grandparents would know. She was on the show Head of the Class that was on around the time as Screech.

What was that one? Saved by the Bell. Saved by the Bell. They kind of like ripped each other off. She was on the one with Robin Givens. Billy Connolly. Yeah, Billy Connolly and Howard Hessman. Oh, Billy Connolly, the Scottish comedian?

Yeah. He's great. Howard Hessman from WKRP started that. And then Billy Connolly took over in later seasons. And yeah, so she was an actress she's got the skill set yeah and I hadn't really seen her much in 25 years just like the script

goes the problem is the script also is I'm dying of liver failure I'm like there's so many coincidences is this like is this like some kind of fucking trip that I'm on were you in that Mitch Hedberg movie, Los Enchiladas? No, I got cut out of that too.

That's such a legendary thing in comedy nerd circles. Well, I won't say it in his documentary, but it did stink. Because, you know, when you're a comedy fan, you're like dying to see. You're like, whoa, Mitch Hedberg made a movie and like... I showed up when they were fucking shooting and I'm like, well, you didn't put me in it, huh? And then we tried to riff of just one scene in an elevator and then it got cut out. Nice. Chad, who's your legend of the week?

My legend of the week is Ranch Direct. They ship steaks to you. Big fan of them. Oh, fuck. Is this like a sponsor? Because you're going to warn me. No, it's not. No, no, no.

All right, good. Because I would plug Omaha Steaks in retaliation. Are you a fan of Omaha Steaks? It's a steakhouse. Omaha Steaks, yes. Doug, where the fuck are you going? I'm going to piss again. I hydrate because women tell me

it'll keep me alive and then i have to leave my fucking podcast to piss fortunately unlike our andy dick story we just heard you know i'm actually pissing and not going to do blow like andy dick does on the adam carolla podcast that was some nice choice red meat to throw out there before the pee break. Dude, my first show was with Andy Dick. He's an interesting guy. Yeah. Andy, finish off your plug. Dude, my plug? Yeah, Ranch Direct.

What up? I'm missing from three-point range so you can hear it. Dude, my legend of the week is Dan for... How did you come across State Direct? Ranch Direct. so you can hear it. Dude, my legend of the week is Dan. This is like a motherfucker. How did you come across Steak Direct? Ranch Direct.

My buddy Matt hooked me up with them because my favorite steaks, I already forget the name, but they closed. And so, Belcampo, they closed. So I was like, where do I get good steaks? Ranch Direct is where I got them. I got, dude, when you signed up, they sent me five pounds of ground beef. That's part of the membership.

Yeah. It's not even a plug. Is Omaha Steaks good? Well, no, they're probably overpriced. So whatever I missed, yes yes email me the link to I just like Omaha steaks because they come small I'm a very small eater so you can

get a four ounce steak with no fat that you have to trim off of it but everything's a special the special oh if you order today 40% off and I remember calling them up when was this ever regular price? Never.

Yeah, if you get a good deal. They're not cheap. All right, what about you? Your beef of the week. Legend. Shit. I didn't have a legend. Wait, he used beef for legend?

No. He just did use beef for Legend. The legend of the week is beef. It's all amorphous. It's just how you're feeling, baby. I don't have beef with Ranch Direct. He didn't have a beef of the week. It's different beef, though.

But I'm saying he's using beef under the category of Legend, so I'm going to use a legend under beef of the week. What? You already did your beef. I know, but you're using beef as your legend. Ground beef. We got it. Who's on first?

Yeah, we're doing a little. Oh, forget it. Abbott, Costello, and Stanhope. Who's your legend? Morgan Anderson. Oh, yeah. Morgan Anderson. I was working at the comedy store with Annie Letterman.

Brilliant. And she shows up late the first night, which is on time for her. And at the last minute, she runs out like, is someone going to bring me up? And she goes and gets one of the door guys at the comedy store because everyone's a comic. And he went out and did a fine job. And then afterwards, we went to roast battle. And I was shit-faced, trying to shut my mouth. Listen, I had a great show.

Don't embarrass yourself by trying to yell shit out and heckle because you can. But I watched this girl from Sacramento just destroy at roast battle. And I just, like I'm Johnny Carson, I go, you're fucking funny and i had hennigan go have her go up for annie letterman tomorrow and uh she went up and fucking destroyed and she's a brand new comic so it was like yeah it was it's one of those fun things see i think i

yeah this is more about me being able to do that nice Being nice. Yeah. I like it. When you're done with comedy, you only find joy in watching new comics have fun with comedy. So, yeah. But she fucking destroyed. So Morgan Anderson from Sacramento is my beef of the week. Hell yeah. All right. My legend of the week is Chris Friedman.

He was a guy who came to our show in San Francisco. Lovely guy. We're both huge Replacements fans. We had a good time smoking weed, talking. And yeah, I was just really touched by the hang. And I was glad to meet you and glad to know you. So thanks, Chris, for coming out. Oh, shit.

Hang on. Hang on. What do you got? No. I got a phone call. Oh, yeah. And I knew he's listening live. Zelensky, a comedian that's now the president of the Ukraine,

goes, God damn it, I get stiffed again on Legend of the Week. I was hoping... He was in the Legend last week. Yeah, he's been in the Legend a couple weeks ago. Whose side are you on in that whole Ukraine-Russia thing? Oh, I'm with the underdog. But I do have some proposition bets on the color of Gatorade they're going to dump over Putin's head when he wins.

All right, Chad, what's your quote of the week? My quote of the week comes from MacGruber. So he's having Vicky order. Vicky's impersonating him. So she's like, oh, I'll have a small skinny latte. He's like, no, no, no. MacGruber would never order that. I'm all about the large Tazo tea.

That's funny. Surprising pick. I'm going to close this one. Hey, Ron, you got a quote? I'll go quote. Is it from the Batman by any chance? I'm trying not to. No, no, you have to now.

I'll go quote of the week real quick. I'll go. Pow, bam. Yes, that's his quote of the week is Batman. Pow, bam. Yeah. My quote of the week is from the Patriots book I'm reading by Seth Wickersham. It's interesting to me that a lot of these relationships and these big sports franchises that have great success,

they end up breaking up because they're just not nice to each other. Jerry West and Phil Jackson couldn't coexist with the Lakers because Phil Jackson wasn't complimentary to Jerry West. Even though they're these two great basketball minds that are ostensibly very tough it just hurt Jerry West feeling that Phil Jackson wouldn't be nice to him and what broke up Tom Brady and Belichick was the same thing like so Bell uh Brady plays with a torn thumb like his thumb is just totally shred he ends up playing he plays well and they asked Bill Belichick in the press conference afterwards they're like how tough is Tom Brady and And he goes, yeah, pretty tough. But, you know, it's not like he had open heart surgery.

And just makes comments like that all the time. Refuses to give credit to Tom Brady under the kind of philosophy that he doesn't want one player to stick out too much. But it's just weird to me that these dudes couldn't show love when it would have extended their success. I like it. What's your quote of the week? My quote of the week is from myself.

That movie I did, The Road Dog. Ask me when it's coming out. When's it coming out? Posthumously. Good night. Whoa. Whoa. Do you know something we don't?

Thank you, guys. Yeah. No, I thought that was the wrap. I thought we did this and we're done. We can end it there. Yeah. I thought this was at the end of the thing. That's why I saved that.

I think that was a nice landing for it. Yeah. Well, thank you, Doug. It was a fucking honor to have you on here. Thanks for coming out. Oh, fuck. We can keep chilling, too, if you want to hang out and drink. No, I'm going to go down and smoke a real cigarette and see

how it compares. If you guys want to keep going, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. I don't know what etiquette is on anyone else's podcast. Can I smoke that cigarette with you? Yeah. Let's do it. That sounds fun. I haven't had a cigarette in years. Bye. We'll be right back. Thank you. What is your beef of the week? Aaron, who's your baby? Strider, who's your legend of the week? Joe, what's your quote of the week?

Chad, what is your beef of the week? Aaron, who's your baby? Strider, who's your legend of the week? Joe, what's your quote of the week? Last to watch. Thank you. What is your name for the week? Aaron. Who's your name? Strider. What is your last name? Joe. What's your last name?

Last name. Last name. Last name. Last name. Guys. Guys. Last name. Guys. Guys.

Last name. Last name. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Bye..