Going Deep with Chad and JT - EP 237 - Harland Williams Joins

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

What up stokers?! This week we got actor and comedian, Harland Williams, on the pod. He's silly and fast and a fun hang.    Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code [GODEEP] at Manscaped.com. That’s 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com, and use code [GODEEP].       Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/GODEEP   Check out Titan if you want to aim to become the smartest, wealthiest investor you’ve ever been. Head to titan.com/godeep to get $50 when you invest with Titan. 

What's up guys? what up uh detroit michigan area texas washington dc we're coming for you and we got more dates coming check out ticket links at chat and jdt.com we're also brought to you by the legends at manscape manscape thank you so much for keeping our trims pubed for looking after our hogs for making sure that our dinks are looking fresh and clean because manscaped is the best, and they're supporting the Testicular Cancer Society, and they're here to remind you to check your boys while offering precision-engineered tools for your two testes. So we have an exclusive offer for our audience. Use code GODIP to get 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com. wax my ass and let's call the cantina what's up stokers of stoke nation this is chad

kroger coming in with the going deep chat jt podcast i'm here with my compadre jean thomas what up boom clap stokers and we're here with our guest uh stand-up comic actor harland williams welcome to the podcast what's up broches brocephiosh and broceph oh dude nice to meet you dude you brought actually they're over there but you brought us some donuts dude aren't you gonna give them some air time bro i honestly i might go get him i think we are in the other room you gotta take a take we're doing one of these i'm i'm gonna officially do one of these calling time i'm calling time we don't have to shut the cameras off but i think we gotta call time for the donuts bro yeah we're in a different energy now we're waiting for the donuts to come back. Donuts. Not donuts. Donuts.

Oh, my bad. My B. And not just donuts, but what size are the donuts, bro? Dude, they're jumbo. Yeah, they are. They're jumbo, bro. Strawberry glaze.

What a gift. I think, honestly, this is the first gift we've gotten from the gift. Or no, we've probably gotten gifts before. Well, to be honest, it's not a gift. I wanted you to see them, but I'm going to be taking them with me. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I don't think I'm just going to hand over my jumbo Donettes. So what was the point of bringing them then? Just to show you that I have Donettes and you don't. It's mean, but it's an icebreaker. It's a huge flex to start off. It's a flex. It's a power flex. It's what huge flex to start off. It's a flex. It's a power flex. It's what I call a teriyaki power slam.

You ever seen one of these? No, what is that? It's called a teriyaki power slam. And you can get it by flexing donuts at some players, or you can get it by rumbling around. And I don't know if you guys have ever done this, but tumbled around in the back of a gray van with priests. Have you guys ever rolled around, just tumbled?

Have you done that before? Are you wrestling? Did we call it tumbling? It's like you ever watch your dryer and the clothes just flip all over each other and stick. And why priests? They're fun. They're fun.

They wear those black capes so you don't stick. And it's funny to watch them flop in that. It's fun to watch them flop. It's like imagine you had a bowl of wonton soup and you stir it, but then you dropped in some Kleenex. And it's like, what's the wonton and what's the snot rag? Right, guy? Right.

I thought you were going to say, what if you dropped a priest into the wonton? Oh, bro, Sethi. Come on, dog. What are we talking about? By the way, can you hold those up one more time? Because we got the word jumbo. And this is why I love these so much. What else do you get the word jumbo with?

I think there's one other food item. You know what it is. Hot dog? Oh, boy, that's, yeah, I wasn't thinking that. What were you thinking? Shrimp. That's more obvious and the better pick. No, jumbo dog is great, bro.

Thanks. Holy God, you jumboed me, bro. I jumboed you? I thought there was only one jumbo like jumbo shrimp and then you dogged me baby i had to say something wow bro i was under the gun brocephish is on fucking line four for brocephish yeah don't leave me on hold dude get on the phone dude let's chat you're on a rotary brocephalus line right now, guy. Wow, man. Keep winging that thing.

And what else is it? It says one other thing on there. And I know you love this word. It starts with G. It's one of his favorite words. He throws it up at me all the time. Glazed? Glazed, bro.

He's a glazed guy for sure. I have a glazed look. People have told me that before. I call it glazed focus. Yeah, your eyes are a a glazed look people have told me that before i call it glazed focus yeah your eyes are a bit glazed like pet cemetery like glazed we were talking about pet cemetery earlier because in a tragic accident that you talked about in the santino podcast your dad died my dad died he was hit by an elk i wasn't a person flying through it was a person flying through the air had a helmet on with elk horns.

And I guess he was part of the... Have you ever heard of the Elks Club? Yeah, Elks Lodge. It must have been the Grand Taboo or whatever the leader is. What's the leader of the Elks Club? The Grand Wizard? No, it's the Ku Klux Klan, my bad.

The Head Moose? The Head Moose, bro. Yeah, yeah. There's an Elks Lodge in Newport that i frequent are you cereal super cereal yeah god yeah i met the moose there a couple times the grand moose yeah larry right right so so larry yeah larry and uh so the old man took some antlers And so the old man took some antlers right through the sternum. And what happened is I wasn't ready. And I don't mean to be insensitive.

Are your folks still with us, you guys? Mm-hmm. Yours aren't. My dad, yeah. He's gone? Yeah. And you might like this story. Cool, okay.

I wasn't ready for my old man to go. I was like i still needed to play some catch i still needed to hear stories i didn't know where my dad lost his virginity i hadn't heard that story yet and i wasn't ready for the old man to go and luckily in my neighborhood we have cemeteries but luckily we have a pet cemetery and uh so late at night around 2 a.m. I dragged his body up there and buried him on sacred land and just four days which is almost as fast as a big object from Amazon right four days he came back out of the pet cemetery smelled Smelled like a dew worm. Smelled like earth. But God, to have him back. But going back to you,

his eyes were glazed over, sort of a grayish... You ever seen a gray whale? Mm-hmm. So it's kind of that tone of gray. Has he been able to shake off the smell or the look? Can't, can't. Once you're up in the pet cemetery, man,

it's kind of just it's it's it's like wearing uh you ever wear j-lo or perfume like you can't get it out so how did he lose his virginity did you get you i haven't i haven't had that chance yet to talk to him what are you doing not asking him when he's back from the dead he's back he's back fresh though he's only been back uh about uh what is it three and weeks? Oh, so you want to get his like faculties back before you give him a chance I he's right now. I got him down in the basement with a Rubik's Cube and He's trying to sharpen his mind just trying to get him back bring him back from you know What does he talk about what life was like down in pet heaven? He's not really using words yet.

He's sort of mumbling a bit. Did you give him a donut? No, bro. That might flip the switch. Dude, donuts. They rule. What do you feed him now? Well, he loves gourds.

Have you ever seen a gourd? No. So they look like pumpkins, but they got warts on them and they look they look they're the sex toys of the vegetable world they look like dude yeah you know what i mean right yeah you know what i mean that they're like they look like a butt plug with with uh herpes right with with warts yeah they get the big warts but people don't realize they're edible and uh so the old man, he loves them gourds. And he'll eat them raw. Sort of like a moose, yeah?

Probably. If a moose could wander into a gourd field, fuck yeah. Did he request a gourd, or you just kind of... No, when you're the living dead, you don't get to make up a menu. You get what the living put in front of you. Did he ring your doorbell and he's like, I'm back? He did. It's unbelievable.

Oh, shit, dude. Yeah. What'd you say? I said, welcome home, daddy, and I hugged him. And God, did he stink. His hair smelled like, digging up charlie chaplin marilyn monroe and who else who's one of your favorite dead celebs um selena not falling for that trap brocephalosh nice try guy that's what you call click baiting right there

tried to slide in uh-huh not touching it how'd you know i was doing that i could tell selena uh-uh bro not even to move on.org not touching it can i apologize for trying to bait you into that no no it's that dude i like it's clever it's it's to bait you into that? No, no. Dude, I like... That's the job. It's clever. It's a challenge. You did it, but it's got me on my game now. Yeah, now you know you've got to bring it. I've got to bring it. I've got to bring it, because you flexed up with the Salines.

Okay, so JonBenet Ramsey would be another one. Don't know who that is, bro. Did I say that right? It's hard to be your favorite celebrity. She was only famous for dying. is, bro. Did I say that right? It's hard to be your favorite celebrity. She was only famous for dying. Oh, wow. Who?

Jean Benet. Who is that? Six-year-old child. The girl that they think her parents whacked her? Never heard of her. Never heard of her. Do you pay attention to the news? Not child murder. Good call.

That's good. Don't know who it is. Well, you're the only one, dude. You're on an island there uh-huh that's right and i'm enjoying the tanning butter so uh nice try clickbait number two did notto el worko i'm gonna get him i'm gonna get him stay tuned strawberry glaze me brocephalus strawberry glaze me do you have a lot do you do you like bro culture brocephalus Strawberry glazed me. Do you like bro culture? Brocephios? Beyond bro, I'm into brocephia.

I took the bro bus right past bro town, and I got off in brocephiosville, bro. Yeah, that's for the real deal. I feel like he dressed for this podcast. Really? Well, I think we're kind of dressed similarly i didn't really dress for it but i just i feel like you know i feel like uh you surf and you got the vans on i really got vans yeah are you wearing socks i'm not wearing socks nice i don't i don't usually either because i'm wearing these i'm wearing socks but i wear no shows actually you wear what

i wear no show socks what's that oh the little see you're you're not about man i shouldn't even say it he's your friend right yeah really good buddies i uh call those girl socks and i'm not i'm not dude i'm not lacing you up i'm not power slamming you but uh well it feels like uh the whatever the maple slam you're talking about one of these the teriyaki power the teriyaki power slam to be honest yeah yeah you're probably a bit of that but i always the thing is those little socks that expose your ankles and i'm not i'm not running up on you and doing a Rambo. But they feel like girl socks to me.

Is it what's wrong with girl socks? Well, they're great for girls. But don't you think when the sock stops at the ankle for a man. A man wears his socks above a certain height. Right, guy? I don't know. I don't know why i don't want to insult so these are no good but no see that you might as well be in your black leather miniskirt street walking on uh that last cienega i mean and bent over an espon inkjet printer bro come on in boys uncle chunky's home for dinner who's that talking i don't know i don't know

so anyways no no it's but it's like you can't wear black socks to a barbecue like a guy is that a rule well if you ever been to a barbecue and there's always a dude with blue Bermuda shorts and then black socks. Right. Off-putting. Yeah. I guess you're right. I guess that is the feeling I felt, but I've never really been able to articulate it. Yeah.

You immediately lose your appetite, right? Right. No matter what they're grilling up. You immediately lose your appetite, right? Right. No matter what they're grilling up. You see some 40-year-old, 50-year-old dude with black socks, and you're like, no, out. That's huge.

That's huge. Mega. You're an Arby's guy, yeah? Oh, man. You love the horsey sauce? I love the horsey sauce, and I love it that they've got the meats. I love the horsey sauce, and I love it that they've got the meats. It's just, you know, where do you go these days for a roast beef, right?

Because a roast beef, it's the size of a hornet's nest, a good hornet's nest. Or, you know, a fibroid, is it called? Have you heard of a fibroid?roid no women get them in their ovaries they're like big fat clump they're what they're like clumps of fat fibroids and women yeah go ahead so women get them in their in their ovaries they i knew a girl that had 23 taken out. And it reminded you of roast beef? Well, I'm just saying a roast beef is like a big globular, looks like a big juicy fibroid.

It's a mass. Right, it's a mass. It's like if a whale had a leukemia tumor, that would probably be what it would look like. Have you ever... And this is appetizing to you. No, but what I'm saying is that... What I'm saying is it's hard to find a big clump of meat just hanging around, right?

But if you go to Arby's, they got the clumps of meat, which should be their real slogan. Arby's, we got the clumps of meat. Or even better, Arby's, we got the whale leukemia beef. It's like we got the fibroids of delicious meat. We'll put your fibroid in a bun bro sephiosh just put some horsey sauce on your fibroid horsey sauce on your fibroid or whatever it is but anyways it's tough to get a slab of meat that big and they cut it up for you you know so i love it man no no dish in the Arby's. It sounds delish.

Yeah. I can't get over the inkjet thing with the black mini skirt. Yeah, right? Over the top of it. How'd you meet your girlfriend? Well, before I get into that, because you seem a little taken aback by that, and you've got to remember, bro, Safiash, is that we live in a techno world now. So when you were coming up, how old

were you when you lost your VV? 17. 17. Whoa, bro. 24. 24? Mm-hmm. So, okay. So you were sort of just emerging into the tech world at that point. Yeah, by the time I lost my virginity, I'm 34 now. Yeah. Cell phones and social media were ubiquitous. Okay, I don't know what that word is, but it sounds delicious. Social media? No, ubiquitous. Oh, it means... It's not a candy you buy at the movie theater? Those are milk duds.

Oh, bros. I was ready to go to see like a movie after this yeah all that popcorn and uh some ubiquitouses it does sound like a christian bale action movie where it's oh yeah ubiquitous he's everywhere at once there's six thousand clones of him and they're all trying to kill each other he's ubiquitous yeah um but but what i was saying about it with with tech now with most kids are losing their virginity through technology like through a screen through dating apps and whatever but but the dating app is just the beginning of the technology what they do is and all all the kids watching already know this. I'm not telling them anything out of school, but they meet through technology.

They chat through technology. And then most kids losing their virginity nowadays, it used to be you do it in a car or behind a Denny's or something. Now kids want to be bent over a uh an espon photocopier they want to be just bent right over and uh teriyaki power slammed from behind whoa yeah when you're hitting that teriyaki power slam yeah what where's that being applied well that's if someone's picture someone standing and now bent over an inkjet laser jet photocopier, and it could be in an alleyway. It could be where would you want it to be?

Where's your perfect spot to lose your vajoy joy? To be bent over. Yeah, where would you like to be bent over an S-bomb, bro? Very curious. I think in Norm's. No way. Behind the Norm's. Yeah. Oh, like that's a 24-hour diner. very curious dude I think a Norms no way behind a Norms yeah oh like that's a 24 hour diner yeah because

they've got I mean you can 24 hour diner and they've got deals I mean you can get like a full Thanksgiving dinner for $8.99 bro imagine losing your virginity to the smell of bacon just in the air that's nice all the senses are like electrified oh everything's

better with bacon brosh dude 100 well where would you want to get bent over a laser drink drink uh laser ink printer behind like a pilates studio wow perfect yeah because you've got to be flexed, right? I'll be loose. I'll be limber. Wow. Be open. What about you? I would probably like to do it behind... Have you seen this place, Madam Tussauds Wax Museum?

Yeah. Because what I like to do is... What way are you laughing? What I like to do is... Why are you laughing? No, I just... I'm just tickled by the thought of losing a virginity. Well, what I do... On Hollywood Boulevard.

No, but keep going. Some people in the afterglow like to lay in bed and light a cigarette, right? After they've had sex. I'm not trying to be too graphic. Yeah. But what's beautiful about having sex behind a wax museum is you don't have to settle for a cigarette what i did when i lost mine i went in and lit a fire in the wax museum and what's a wax figure's worst enemy fire so what i did is I melted Pope John Paul, Olivia Newton John, and Elton John into one blob.

And I had Pope Olivia Newton Elton John. And that was my afterglow. And did you plow the wax? No, I just laid there and sniffed the reek of the Johns. It was just like... Of the Johns? The Johns stink. Why did you go after them because it's three johns it's like olivia newton john pope john paul and elton john and if they had that beatles freak who's that the guy john lennon if he was there i would have got him too that bespectabled what

is it called when you have glasses i think that's right yeah bespectabled wow did he wear later he wore those he didn't wear glasses when he was in the beatles right i don't know that was like a yoko thing she brought him into the glasses phase oh she did i don't know i'm guessing i don't i don't but you know what i do know 100 what she brought the glasses in yoko did into john's life right so it wasn't an optometrist no it was a nutty japanese girl with crazy hair who likes to scream that was one of the most succinct summaries of yoko i've ever heard don't you love a good summary especially this close to summer they're so summaryy i find when you do a summery and summer they're really summery like that the imagery there's beaches and sun and just just

yeah it's summery like if you do a summery in the spring it still feels springy but if you do a summery the way you did in summer it's just so summery all around. Wow. Were you ever in a jam band or anything like that? A what now, Hay? A jam band? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I have a band. I have a band. It's called The Cousins. And you know about it. Yeah, my wife interviewed your cousin. She did? Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah your cousin. She did? Yeah. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She did? Yeah, yeah. She mentioned that we knew each other, yeah. Yeah, we have a band called The Cousins, and I don't know if that, is that a jam band? I don't know. I don't even know a jam band.

I just meant, do you have a band? Oh, yeah, we have a band. What do you play? We hardly ever play, but we have a couple oh yeah we have a band what do you play uh we hardly ever play but we have a couple albums out i do yeah we have the cousins the love song years and we have the cousins rattlesnake love and they're on apple uh they're on apple itunes or whatever it is oh i love that that's provocative rattlesnake love rattlesnake love. Rattlesnake love, yeah. Because they've got to have sex very carefully. They've got to be wary of one another.

Yeah, when you've got poison fangs, brosh, it ain't like plowing a buck-tooth fatty behind a Denny's. The Tiger Woods story. The Tiger Woods story. dude there's a brown widow in my garage a brown widow brown i didn't know that was a thing they're brown widows wow like a spider yeah there's a lot of spiders where i live and i was like taking a video of it i was like oh look at this spider it's a brown i didn't know brown widows exist but are you sure it wasn't a brown recluse wasn't a brown recluse no so it's a brown widow brown widows are a thing yeah you know it's interesting because when you think of a black bear how when you see a black... What do you think of when you see a black bear?

Yoki? Smokey? No, no. Like if you saw a black bear, what would you describe what you'd see? A big animal that has the potential to kill me. And what color is it? Black.

Right. But here's where your thing comes in, Brosh. There's black bears that have brown fur. So the black widow, there could have been a brown one. I believe you, is what I'm saying. Oh, thanks. And with black bears, you're supposed to stay still and play dead. When with brown bears, you're supposed to run. I know there's a reverse instruction for how to survive.

I think, well, with black bears, there's no rules in nature. See, with black bears, I've run into some black bears in my day, and I've found the best thing is to make noise. They're very jittery black bears. What kind of noise? Just yelling, banging a pod. Do you carry a pod around at all with you i i could might be uh smart do you uh i have i live in west hollywood yeah okay well you probably

carry at least pod around with you smoke weed yeah for sure okay so that could work too. If you inhaled loud enough, you'd be like, and a bear would just, you know, V-gate for the jet stake or whatever, however you say it. No, I feel you. Right? That's where I'm trying to get them. Yeah. Get out of my realm and move along, partner. Johnny Osmond on your fucking flapjack, bro.

Yeah, extra syrup what what what happened with the spider brosh yeah I killed it whoa here's the thing here's the thing I I don't like killing spiders and I let it go at first then my buddies like it's brown widow you gotta you gotta you gotta stomp ass. And so I had a cane lying around because I went to this party. And I stomped it with the cane. Wait. Stomped it with a cane? Yeah, I just squished it. What was the circumference of the cane, though?

It was about yay big. So to stomp it, i feel like you'd have to be right over it and butter churn it almost yeah well here's what i did i i i got the i got the web because i would like come near and you know it'd start crawling away oh it was in the web it was in the web so i got the web and i like like like gathered up the web yeah and it started to bunch up and i just crunched her i felt bad about it afterwards i i don't like killing it you know i i don't like doing that yeah one time my dad i killed a spider in front of my dad and he's like don't do that and so that kind of stuck with me

that's a nice lesson for him to impart yeah it didn't really stick with him though did it no because what did you do to the brown stomped its ass sounds like a big fuck you to your dad if you ask me this is probably the first he's hearing of it too he's a avid listener I hope your dad's not watching

because that's what I call child disappointment well he's I don't know he's been hanging out with some priests lately. Whoa, bro. Get me to the Glendale Galleria, bro. Yeah. Not a better spot in town.

Well, it's been hard to get a hold of him because according to my stepmom, he's just hanging out in vans with priests. Whoa, bro. Have you been to the Glendale Galleria? It's amazing I used to work there where'd you work? the food court, they got the Orange Julius

it's like a giant orange I worked in that thing for about four years inside of it? in the orange what were you doing in there? I served Orange Julius how exciting

most people wake up 9 in the morning, go to work, go to an office building, go to the shop, go to the garage, go to Home Depot. Not this dude. I got to go work inside of a giant citrus. Why did you end up leaving? If you like the job so much it's a it's a it's a it's a tough thing to talk about but i got uh headhunted by a new company that that uh didn't really last but it was uh pomegranate pilot and uh have you heard of pontius pilot yeah so they took a shot at uh orange julius um and uh it didn't work out but for about four uh four weeks i was working in a giant pomegranate

yeah didn't feel the same huh didn't feel the same and uh i think they i actually got fired i was uh Didn't feel the same. And I think they've, I actually got fired. I was loading everything up one day and I dropped everything, the pomegranates, you know, the little seeds. And I said, they said, you're fired. I go, what the hell am I fired for? They said, you spilled your seed.

And so they let me go. I mean, you could say that working there maybe was bittersweet don't think i'm gonna say it you wrestled with saying it though which is nice no no i think i was mind blocking it might have even been mind it just to shut the down Might have even been mind fucking it just to shut the whore down. Shut her down deep. Put her on the bus to fuck off town and let her ride all the way to the end.

What's at the end? Fuck off. Did you pay for her ticket? Bro, if you want to put your arm around me, put it around me, but don't do it halfway. I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. I'm opening up to you. I know, but if you're going to put it around me, put it around me.

I don't think I can stay on mic and fully get around you. But I don't know that I... Okay, here we go. Did you really want that or was it more of a challenge? I was trying to call you out on your sneaky homoerotic aggressions. It's homoerotic, but it's not aggressive. Well, an arm around my back on a mustard yellow couch from Ikea is a little aggressive to me, flamethrower Johnny. I just like to be open and touch. I like to touch.

Okay. Give it to touch. Okay. Give it a touch. Do you touch your fellers? That felt nice. Closer to you than I was two seconds ago. Whoa. Whoa, now we're partying. Wow.

How'd that feel? Nothing I haven't felt from a priest. You were molested oh no he tumbles i was projecting i was projecting we had a priest father pat at my junior high and he used to touch me but not like under things but over things and he would touch me and i asked my parents i was like hey it's weird right they're like no he just loves you and they kind of just gave him the green light he may have been trying to tumble now that you think about it yeah yeah he wrestled me one time too he put a beating on me seventh grade wait where did he touch you brosh my butt my back

basically that area do you want to tell him or should i bro sephiash do you do the honors bro you i was trying to come up with one bro Broland Williams. Broland Williams. Bro, you've been molested, guy. A little bit. I don't think I've earned that distinction, but I got fondled. Probably even a worse word. You think so? Yeah. I'd probably rather get molested than fondled.

What about you, bro-sephie-ish? I thought you kind of fondled jt's tit there earlier is that fondle no this was that was a pat that was like a that was like a i put a flex on that one i felt that did you feel the muscle coming yeah you rachel welched me real nice brosh is that is that the gal from like whoa don't even say it don't even don't even say wall plexiglass, COVID wall. Dude, why do you keep knocking me down when I try to bait you? Oh, look, I'm onto it, guy.

Give us that red meat. I'm trying to make clips out of this stuff. You can't bait a fisherman. Where'd you learn that? Just now. You fucking hand creeping freak. You're the freak the freak dude you're the fucking creep of the week dude i know i touched you once and you went ham all over my body i did about four you were looking for it i've been looking to creep on someone and uh you might have figured out by

now the jumbo donettes were uh just a little sugar pill, yeah. Get us loose and feeling safe before you put it on us on camera, no less. Holy squid, man. But this is a safe place. This is a safe place. You can fondle here. You can touch. You can let your demons out.

And we don't even call them demons. We just call it being you. Yeah. I think everybody's got their demons. I think everybody's probably been fondled. I think everyone's been, you know, had their boundaries kind of fucked with in a way that they probably weren't able to speak on in the moment. Yeah.

Were you ever fondled? And if there's a place to be fondled, do you have an ideal place? We're really going to go there huh okay okay yeah the answer is yes um boy oh boy i uh it's tough to talk about but uh when i was five Because, five, my parents dressed me up for Halloween as an apple. And on the way to trick-or-treating, we went over to the local grocery store. My dad was a cruel guy. And he took me into the area of the grocery store where they have the fruits and vegetables and i wasn't a big kid and my dad threw me on the you know they got this pile they got the pile of apples and uh i was laying up there for about an hour before trick-or-treat started and uh i gotta say probably about 12 to

13 maybe 18 old ladies uh fondled me real nice just a bit you know the way that you know the way they pick up the apples and right they're testing you out they were saying if you were right oh yeah Some of them sniffed me. One of the old bats bit me, the fucking old creep. Dirty old creep. Psoriasis dripping from every pore. Varicose veins like somebody threw a plate of spaghetti on her fucking face. What was your dad doing the whole time? Well, he was out in the truck.

He was waiting in the truck. I mean, unbelievable, my old man. And he told you, don't speak when people are touching you. Just let happen what happens. He said, it's all part of the Halloween magic. Remember in Charlie Brown when they waited for the great pumpkin? So my dad said, just wait on the apples. And I said, what am I waiting for daddy and he said you'll feel

it you'll feel it son just lay there you little fuck so you didn't say like to the old lady and say like hey i'm not an apple i'm a little boy well it was i think it was lady 13 i was spread eagle my stem was facing south and i was spread eagle and she she gave me one of these and i i let go one of the most savage fucking lasagna farts you've ever smelled no just blew her wig right off her head her gum you ever see a dog with its gums out the window in there oh yeah the old bag's teeth were flopping up and down in her mouth that's one of the most disgusting things i've ever heard yeah thanks dad so do you get triggered when you go back to grocery stores now uh my grocery store didn't sell horse meat, but if it did, I would certainly buy some Trigger.

I mean, I've heard horse meat is delicious. We don't eat it a lot here, but I would try it. What's the most exotic animal you have eaten? I've had caribou. I've eaten caribou. I've tried moose. I think one of my favorites, and it's hard to get, Uh, I've had caribou. I've eaten caribou. I've tried moose. I think, uh, I think one of my favorites, and it's hard to get, is, uh, uh, what's that stuff?

The Australian tiger. Uh, there's only, I think, two left in the world. And, uh. You're going to eat both of them? I had, I had one, uh, ordered up at, uh, Outback Steakhouse and, uh, delicious. Uh, $3,000 just for a shank. But what a delight. The meat's called a shank?

It's like a lamb shank. Oh, right, right, right. There was a steakhouse that opened in my hometown. And the gimmick was you could go in there and cook your own steak. Come on. I swear to God. Did you do it? No, I never went in there.

It seemed ridiculous. Yeah, why would you want to? Well, that's what they do at Korean barbecue. You ever do that? Yeah, same idea, I guess. Right. But I don't like that either. I don't go to restaurants to cook.

You don't want to cook your own, yeah. There's one, the Japanese barbecue nearby. Gayukaku. Pardon me? Gayuk, the Japanese barbecue nearby. Gayukaku. Pardon me? Gayukaku. Have you been to Gayukaku? No thanks, I'm straight. Are you? What was that?

I asked, are you? Yeah. I believe you. That's a hell of a look you got there bro i was waiting for you to say it you got some mad eye contact brother i do no it's great i love it can you can you say what he said what does it mean bro stuff i think it means i'm not well versed in japanese but of the kaku the the parrot huh so you went there and then what happened i cooked my own meat wow it's gotta hurt there was a comedian yeah oh Oh, go ahead, sorry. Oh, no. Right in front of everybody?

In front of my date. Wow. That's kind of her thing, though. Really? She was a nurse? Mm-hmm. Wow. That's commitment. Yeah.

That's commitment. Do you have an ideal profession you'd like your partner to work in wait I noticed you threw the word partner out there which is you know it's very ambiguous as if yeah let's say girlfriend or boyfriend girlfriend

you're big on this you really want people to know you're straight yeah I feel that set the record straight. Did something happen? Easy killer. Easy father pat. Reincarnate.

I thought you were in Ireland, brother. He hit the road. He hit the road when the shit hit the fan. Yeah, he was gone. But what was your question now? Oh, you know, it's so long ago. But I think it was was do you have an ideal profession you'd like your partner to work in like that you think would complement you and what you do oh okay okay yeah i would like you know i i would like a woman who's not like i couldn't date someone who does what I do, like a comedian.

I feel that. Because I find it's just a little too... Too kites battling to be higher up in the air. Yeah, or it's like, you know, there's always people trying to do schtick or whatever, you know what I mean? So, but I like the concept of a... I don't don't know i could go for anything but there's something about a woman who has to dress elegantly you know for her job like get a a nice business suit on and

something sexy about that like a mortician uh what do they wear i don't know mortician wouldn't they wear like a like a like a hazmat type of costume i picture them in like black business outfits i don't think so bro bro it might be different where i'm from i don't think mortician you're talking about the people that like suck the the gunk out of dead bodies, right? Mm-hmm. No, I think that's... I think that they probably wear something with a splash guard on it. So you want to date someone who works for an S&P 500 company? Maybe. I think there's something sexy when your lady comes home

and she's in the tight corporate skirt. I do love that outfit. It's no accident that it's often in porn. It is? From what I hear and from what I watch. Really? They wear that outfit a lot. Really?

Wait, how often do you watch this? What are you watching, guys? The listeners know all too much about it. I watch a lot of porn. You do? If I'm not keeping... I should not, so I try not to, but... And they wear the business outfit.

Often, yeah. So you like the business outfit too, then? I do. You just said, I do. How many times? Like, no, the way you said it was almost as if we were at the altar. That's my level of commitment to every question that gets posed to me. I'm taking it with that level of seriousness.

I do. I'm married to this idea. Do you know Yoda can never get married? Why? Well, he speaks backwards. Oh. And he can never, like, they go, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

And he's like do i you can never wow lock it in yeah and she's like no yoda you have to say i do do i and then she thinks he's with him do you do i what do you take this woman do i no yoda if we're gonna get married you have to say i do honey do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife do i can you stop all of our friends and family here just say i do try i am not i. Okay, do you take... Meat he cooked. You said you wanted the full experience. Wait, where are we now? You said you wanted the kaku.

Oh, wow, yeah. Kaku is Japanese for burnt penis. Oh, it is? Mm-hmm. Oh, damn, yeah. Lucky it's not a sushi joint um because you'd have to eat it raw yeah with the foreskin on you're not a fan of that no god no that's funny we talked about that on our last podcast because everybody's having a kid and i'm i'm pro not circumcising i i look at

it as you know and i'm not judging anyone who does it yeah i'm circumcised but i i think it's better to not circumcise how come though this is here's here we go because i think it's just here we go it's natural and i think it's like weird to kind of inflict pain on the baby and it seems like a choice that someone should make for themselves and i and i think that the concerns over like the concerns over the cleanliness of it are kind of overstated. That would be interesting if the baby could make the choice for himself. You know, they got him there and the little bald-headed freak just goes, Would you not cut the tip of my cock off, please?

I feel like that's what he would say if he could talk. If it was, look who's talking, that's in the deleted scene. It is? Look who's talking. The kid's like, yo, get the fuck away from my dick, doc. Is it really? Bruce Willis was bringing it with a little more of an urban accent in that part. Wow.

What if the little baby was confronted with two photos? He's like, if you go through with this, this is what it'll look like in the future. And if you don't, this is... Do you think he'd reconsider? He'd be like, oh, dude, give me that helmet. Yeah, right. Give me that. Because if I were a baby and I was like, you're either going to have the hood or the helmet,

I'd be like, dude, put me in Fire Chief, you know? Just give me that helmet. So you mean cut it? If I were a kid and I saw, the two options and i'm like it's like they're like you're gonna be in a locker room with either this or that and i'd be like fucking so you think objectively the circumcised one is more attractive yeah i just wonder if that's because that's just what we're used to because we didn't i didn't see an uncircumcised one until i was like 13 so it was jarring to me in the moment.

But maybe if I was conditioned on those, I would have found them just as aesthetically appealing. I don't know. When I saw my first circumcised cock, I was like, that's the one. That's the look. And I pride myself on aesthetics, as you know. Yeah, yeah.

You know. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I cook penis and i don't wear socks and you know i wear female socks apparently yeah well i'm not judging brosh but you know they are what they are well what do you think about the circumcised thing well i think if i was a baby and i could come back and you know think about it one of the first things you do when do they do it at the three month mark or something

within days so in that scenario if i knew if i could go back and know it was coming as a baby i'd tell uh doc ock i'd say like let's hold on to my umbilical cord right let's keep it attached to the old second a-hole and i'll tell you what when that doc when that priest went to cut my anteater off i would get that you know how you ever whack a guy with a towel yeah i would whip that priest right in the fucking forehead until I carved a swastika on his fucking chardet and a 666 across his Tom Selleck. I mean, I would fucking ginger snap that whore. You'd reverse the branding and put him on a different trajectory.

Gross, if I'd get my umbilical cord and whip that thing around like Cher on a Saturday night and Donny Osmond's bedroom with fucking green jello dripping out of her trousers. And then Father Donny's back at the monastery. Dude. I didn't know that's how they got down. That's awesome. I'm just guessing, bro.

Dude, I think your guess is correct. And then Father Donny's back at the monastery and he's like, he's got to explain what happened to him. Wait, what? The guy that you put the lashing on. Right. He's got to go back to work. Right, he's got to go back with the umbilical burn on his face. Yeah, right in the middle of the Chardet.

You think people are buying that story? What choice do they have? He's religious. I mean, you show up to the next priest powwow and you got a swastika and a 666 going down. Fucking Father Perus is ready to rock and roll. Do you think if people see that? He's the edgy one.

If people see that, they'll have that happen. He's like a freaking baby brosh. Right. Baby brosh at the odd. Freaking baby brosh. Little demon baby took it to me he's got the heart of lucifer

and tried to cut his cock but you deserve it right you're coming after a newborn infant to remove his most intimate

part of his most intimate area his favorite instrument you deserve to get a lashing absolutely that's called self defense

it's like breaking the neck off a guitar like right after you gift it to someone bingo baby like you gotta baby baby's gotta fight back if we're learning anything here today baby's gotta what do you say flex up i think so and it's tough when you can't even close your fingers yet but you know baby's got to learn to flex up actually they can't see either well they can't see and all you know is someone's cutting your uh so you're anti then anti yeah let's go so when do you think donny osmond started putting green jello in his trousers i don't know man i don't know where that i think i got possessed

for a second oh yeah yeah you didn't know that i don't know what how that even happened where that came from i thought it was poetic you got a show on nickelodeon right no disney jr yeah sorry puppies and i'm sorry it's a puppy show yeah what does that mean to be a puppy show it's what does it mean uh well it's a it's like a little animation thing for kids puppy dog pals and it's just it's like the adventures of these two little pugs and they go all over the place and and uh you know they're just little puppies and they're they're figuring out the world they're seeing it with their giant puppy disney eyes for the first time. Oh, that's lovely.

Yeah. And they go everywhere from Africa to Egypt. They go everywhere. Underwater and space. They've been everywhere. And so what's the mission statement with the show? You're trying to show kids the benefit of travel and adventure. That's part of it.

That was kind of subliminally what I wanted to put into it. But really, it's to just show them on adventures all over the world, helping, sharing, being kind, that kind of stuff. And tell some good values in these. Oh, yeah. It's all about good values. I love that. Yeah.

We're in our fifth season. Can you believe it? That's fucking great. Do you do the voices? I do the voice of... So there's two puppies bingo and rolly and then their owner is bob and i do the the voice of bob the uh oh that's cool their owner so yeah it's it's it's a delight man it's this this shows in i think they told me 135

countries all over the world really yeah it's on disney plus it's on Disney Plus? It's on Disney Plus. It's on Disney Junior. It's on Disney, just on Disney proper. That's cool. And somebody sent me a link for the theme song because in the theme song, my character has one line. My character, Bob, goes, See you later, pups!

And somebody sent me the link. And to see it in all these different languages, it was hilarious. That's cool. Yeah. No, it's very gratifying. And it's really the real interesting thing that came out of it that I didn't see coming is many, many people with autistic children have written to me on my fan page. And they tell me, they go, our child doesn't talk. Our child doesn't look at us. We can't

connect with our child. And I can't tell you how many people have written to me and said, through your show, because we have a song in every show, we have an animated song, we have an animated title sequence. For some reason, that show has, I don't know if this happens with all autistic kids, but with my show in particular, people have written me and said, the show has brought their kids to life. Their kids talk to them or sing to them or they connect with them. And I'm not saying it's fluent. They have a full on, but something that wasn't there before is now happening between them and their autistic child because of the show. And boy, oh boy, was that ever, that was very,

very gratifying. That might've been the most satisfying thing of the whole journey because these letters I get are very emotional. Imagine your kid, you have a beautiful kid, circumcised or uncircumcised, and you're not really able to connect with that thing you created. And then suddenly, you have this portal that sort of opens and uh it's just uh it's it was a wonderful surprise outside of all the other good i feel the show does uh that was really a the pinnacle of of uh my enjoyment from it how did the idea for the show come about did you just want to do a kid's show or did you just just have this idea, and you're like, oh, this would be great? How does that come about?

Well, you know, I always studied animation in college. Right, your roommate was a big animator, right? Yes. Well, both my roommates are big animators. One of them is a French-Canadian guy, Reg Bordage, and he's worked on every giant animated movie that you've seen since the 80s, like from Aladdin to Lion King to Toy Story.

I mean, if you watch Toy Story 3, I'm the only one laughing at this, but Canal Reeves or whatever his name is, he plays the motorcycle doll. Right, yeah. And in the movie, I think his name's Regine. And it's a very odd name, but it's a French-Canadian name, and that's my roommate's name, Reg, Regine Bordage.

And so they used Reg's name in the movie. So when I went to see that movie, I was kind of the only one on the inside joke. I was howling. But then my other roommate, Steve Williams, he created the T-Rex in Jurassic Park and the Liquid Terminator and all these. Oh, iconic. The T2?

T2. That silver liquid. He didn't just create it. He developed the technology for this stuff. Jurassic Park originally was going to be animatronics. They had already actually made life-size velociraptors out of foam and latex and all this stuff. Steve worked at ILM and he said, why don't we do this in CGI? And this was at the advent of CGI

where they didn't really know this stuff and understand it. And they said, no, absolutely not. It doesn't work. It's not possible. And so on his own time, Steve animated in CGI the skeletal structure of the T-Rex. And he made it walk on what's called a cycle. So it kind of just kept doing the same walk cycle over and over. And he knew there was going to be a big meeting of all the higher execs from Spielberg's company that week.

And so he'd already been told not to even try it. So he did it on his own time. So at the meeting, he put it up on his monitor in his office where the meeting was taking place. And he just let it run. Really? And about four minutes into the meeting, one of the top executives said what the hell is that thing and he said that i animated the t and she took it up to spielberg and they said stop the presses at that moment they switched gears from the old style like foam and

and that was the kind of the beginning of cgi animation it's pretty amazing incredible yeah my roommates are like these guys they're insane did you know they were like wizards like that when you first met him or were you as surprised as like spielberg and stuff where that they were capable of this well it was funny because i knew they were both talented guys and we had a riot in college, believe me. But Steve, on the weekends, he would go to this place, some community college or something, and he would do computer animation before computer animation was a thing. And he'd come back at the end of the weekend and he'd go, hey, watch this. And he'd put in a vhs tape

and it would be circles orange green yellow blue they just kind of pop and we'd be like so and he goes those are digital i made those on a computer and we were like okay whatever like it didn't register with us what he was starting you know and then when we graduated he went to work for this technology company in Toronto. And I went in to see him. And the first time I went to see him, he goes, Har, look at this. And he showed me kind of this rippling water.

And I go, okay. And he goes, yeah, that's CGI. And I said, yeah, it looks kind of computery. And then I went in like five months later and he showed me a slug, like a garden slug crawling. And he said, I was like, okay. And then the third time I went in, he said, look at this. And it was a hummingbird. And I said, oh, where did you film that? And he goes, I didn't film it. I created it in the computer. And that's when I went, wait, that's not real? and that's when I went, wait, that's not real?

And he said, no, I made that. And so after that, he got picked up at ILM, Lucas' special effects company, and did the whole T-Rex thing, man. That's great. That's like evolution. It went from single cell to complicated animals. It was unbelievable. And to take it from a slug to a T-Rex.

And then me and Reg went up to visit him at ILM at one point. And we didn't know what he was up to. A lot of these places, like Reg now works at Pixar, and they're not allowed to talk about what they're doing. So he said, he snuck us in. He goes, guys, look at this. It's going to change change the world and we're like what what are you talking about and he showed us the scene remember when the t-rex is running and they're looking in the side mirror and it says objects may appear bigger he showed us that scene and we're just like what's happening

here so it's pretty this was like probably a year and a half before the movie came out really yeah so so anyways the idea for puppy dog pals it's a great story yeah oh thank you well it came from i i had two puppies and uh this was back in the in the 90s i had two little puppies and i was running around town going to meetings and auditions and everything. And so I had to put these two puppies in this kind of big room I had. And like it was more like a laundry room, but it wasn't confining. It was it was a good size. And when I put them in there, I put newspaper down.

This was in the days when we had newspapers. Right. And just out loud as a goof, I'd say, now, don't forget to do your business there, boys, you know, meaning peeing on the newspaper. But then I'd be driving to my meetings and I'd be thinking, what if my puppies thought don't forget to do your business meant reading the headline on the paper, like boat missing in the Bermuda Triangle or Bigfoot spotted in. What if they thought business meant to solve the headline? Oh, interesting.

So they thought, well, I was gone because dogs want to make their master happy. Well, I'm away at work. They go off and solve the headline. And by the time I get home, they've solved it. I love that. And so that was the pitch for the meeting when I took it into Disney. And by the time we got it up and running 15 years later, newspapers have been kind of phased out.

So now we just have it they overhear things or there's something on the TV. It took 15 years? Well, I pitched it way back then. And then it kind of, nobody wanted it. And then it just kind of sat in my pile of ideas. And then I got this new manager and he said, let's go out. I set up a meeting at Disney.

And this was like, yeah, 15 years later, maybe more almost. And it was a really funny meeting because, you know, we went in and I sat down with the executive and they said, do you have any ideas? And I said, yeah, I do. I got like three or four. And I pitched like all these different cartoons. And they're like, great, great to see you, Harlan.

Thanks for coming in. And so I got up to leave. I was literally halfway up out of my chair and the lady goes, do you have anything else? I don't even know why she asked me that, but she goes, you got anything else? And I go, my wheels started spinning. And I went, well, I got that one that I pitched years ago. So I sat down and I go, yeah, I got this thing called the puppy dog papers. And I told her real quick about the dogs and pn and solving the and i said oh that's interesting then like three days later they phoned and said that's the one

we want to we want to go with it so it's just it's a funny town how things work here in hollyweird yeah it's insane right but a good good happy ending to a good happy ending five years later we did five five seasons and it's like their top show, and kids love it. That's awesome. What a treat. That's amazing. Yeah. And you've been in a lot of movies, like some iconic movies, too.

Yeah, bro. Is there an experience that's your favorite sort of acting experience? Go easy on the cactus, cool. I know, bro. That was a long like that's the longest that's true you were spitting for a while like i dumped a lot of words like i felt like that old like conjunction junction what's your function building up words and phrases and clauses like and i feel like i just barfed out like a couple of conjunction junctions bro it came out perfect brother it did you put it down that train's on the tracks and it's running

smooth well ride a lawnmower over my face and call me donnie sizzlegrass just to chad's cue oh yeah what uh what guess, like... Do you have a favorite acting experience? Yes. Yeah. My favorite acting experience is with no disrespect to younger actors. But when you... When I personally... And I'm not considering myself an amazing actor.

But a guy like me got the opportunity to work with some amazing actors. Believe it or not, I got to work with Richard Dreyfuss. I got to work with Dustin Hoffman. I got to work with Bruce Willis. I got to work with James Caan, people like this. And my favorite acting experiences were when I got into a scene with these people who were classically trained actors, more or less, especially like Hoffman and anyone who was older

who had come from the old school method of learning to act. I think they really knew how to, I don't know. They had an intense focus. Yeah, they knew how to do the Brando thing. You know what I mean? In my opinion, they went to another plane. And so I've acted with hundreds of different people who are all great actors,

but when I got locked in with some of these older guys, you could just feel and sense and see like new switches go off. Right. And when I got in with them looking in their eyes i almost felt like like a cone came over us and everything disappeared you're just like you're transferred and it's the most beautiful clean pure acting i've ever done just from an acting point of view right like all the acting I've done I've loved and it's great and it's fun, but

with these older guys there's this different level you go up to. It's like surfing. If you catch a four foot wave, you catch a 40 foot wave. It's a different rip curl broach. I'm thinking about this

lately. Do you think those actors also pull out like did did do you think i'm thinking about this lately do you think those actors also pull out like they did in you it sounds like that focus they're able to pull out better performances and their scene partners because it's like a they transport everyone in the scene yeah yeah and it's without trying like because i think what the difference is you you that moment with them for me, and I'm just speaking for me, it became real. It became because they,

they were so real. If I was playing a security guard or I was playing a doctor or whatever I'm playing, I simply just felt like I was inhabiting that being, you know, it was, it was beautiful. It's just beautiful.

I wish I could have done it more. You know, was Hoffman still doing them like because he's known for being intensely method and has like that famous interaction with lawrence olivier was like have you ever tried acting was he still in that method intensity when you worked with them yeah i i did a movie called wag the dog that's one of my favorite movies david mamet's script, too. Yeah, that's right. So you know that thing bangs. Oh, yeah. It was intense. David Mamet and then... Barry Levinson. Barry Levinson directed.

And then my scene was with Dustin and De Niro and Kristen Dunst. We were all kind of in a circle almost. The soundstage where she's pretending like she's... Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's a great scene. That's right. And I wasn't in the movie for long, but all my stuff was with Dustin.

And I was so entranced with the guy. I was doing my scene, and then Levinson yelled, cut. And then Dustin was standing there, and he goes, okay, when we do it again, you try this, and I'll say that, and you do this. And he had this whole kind of laundry list of little adjustments.

And I just went, okay, yes, sir, Mr. Hoffman. And again, I was in awe of this guy, right? Of course. One of the most iconic actors, Academy Award winning. So Levinson yells, action, we do the scene again. All right, cut. And Dustin looks at me and goes, why didn't you do anything i said and i was very honest i said mr hoffman i'll be totally honest i'm so in awe of being here with

you i didn't hear a word you said and he just looks and he goes okay well we'll do it this time and it's true it's like he was talking, and I was just in such a zone. I couldn't retain anything he said. And I felt like a complete ass, but I didn't want to lie to him. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Is that my dad? Worst possible moment for that time.

Oh, my God. Father. Sorry, I'll edit that out. Keep going. Oh, my God. Father wants me home to make gourds. So you're watching Dustin Hoffman. You're not catching what he's saying.

Yeah, and I just blew it. But it was just he was very patient. He goes, okay, do it next time. And it was just amazing. But I can't tell you whether he was still in that kind of I don't know what level. I just think he's always at that level, you know, of intensity and greatness, you know? So do you think it's that these actors are able to sort of fully

immerse themselves in the character? Like they're able to transcend, you know, like themselves into the character? Is that what it is? Or is it just pure technique and experience? I, you know, it has to,

I'd have to be them to know, but I think it's the combination of both. Right. I think, I think that that's what I appreciate. You know, I always used to think, Oh,

you can't teach acting. I don't think you, I think you got to already have it. And then if someone teaches on top of what you already have, I don't know that just everyone can be an actor. Right. Or everyone can be anything. I think if you're born with a gift

and then someone can come in and enhance it and help you bring it to another, I think that's what those guys and girls like Meryl Streep, they possess that very special and very rare trait. And it's beautiful. I think it's almost like that like teachers and same with like stand-up it's like you they guide you to your talent you know what i mean it's like it's like you're sort of like you always talk about you know it's like a marble block and you're like

just chipping away i think i like when i you know with acting and stuff it's i think it's just through experience that you you just need to keep doing it and with stand experience that you just need to keep doing it. And with stand-up, you just need to keep doing it until you find it. Yeah. You find it within you. Yeah, that's what you got to do. That's sort of how I view it. Yeah, yeah. That's basically what you were saying.

There's that. You know, I don't put a cage around anything creative. Like that, what you just said is 100% legit. Yeah. But if I see a guy eating a zebra femur on Melrose Boulevard and suddenly he delivers an Oscar-worthy performance and he doesn't give a flying crap about it, then to me that's just as legit because that's art.

I don't think any amount of training or any amount of wrangling can define pure and great art so i i'm willing to accept art coming from anywhere and anything and if it's beautiful and it works it works you know that's cool and there's yeah there's different ways up the mountaintop yeah that's right what was de niro's personality like off camera because he's kind of uh renowned for being sort of like very like not energized off camera right not the charismatic guy that you see on camera all the time he's kind of

like a flat affect or something well he was pretty chill but I didn't have any direct scenes with like he was in one of my or I was in one of his scenes I should say but we didn't have dialogue together but he was right there in the scene as a presence and visible in the scene, but all my dialogue.

But he was just sort of quiet, and he just, you know, after his takes, he'd just go sit down in his chair or disappear. But I didn't go out and hang with him. I didn't say one word to him, to be honest. I didn't want to. I'm one of those guys that I'm like, if that superstar wants to talk to be honest i didn't i didn't want to i'm one of those guys that i'm like if that superstar wants to talk to little old me he he can but i ain't gonna get in his face i understand that yeah do you want to answer some i'm gonna use the restroom because we want to

answer some questions well in the restroom no no i'm gonna use sorry i'm gonna use the restroom come back and then we'll answer listeners questions friend of yours brosh yeah good friend yeah thank you he reads them from the bathroom yeah we've got to go yeah what are you afraid of just it's tight it's echoey it's the quarters I think part of the podcast is we're trying to you know get you used to dudes our level of intimacy oh to dudes that's why you're in the middle yeah but i hear what you're saying on tight quarters i remember when mcguire and kinseka were accused of shooting each other up with steroids and one of their teammates said it's hard for me to picture both those clydesdales in the same stall whoa i like that it was a good rebuttal turned out they were doing it though they were roiding up yeah oh wow which is okay i mean you know it's not okay but right it provided a lot

of entertainment it's an interesting debate yeah um are you gonna roid up in the in the bathroom don't do that anymore did a cycle when i was 18 never felt better But it's just not good long term for the ligaments Friend of yours, brosh? Yeah, he was a beast Everything I'm saying I feel like is straight down the barrel And you're turning it around like I'm coming at you sideways No, I was just checking if there was a perpendicular twist To your octagon flow, brocephiash Well, I think we can fit a couple trapezoids in there

And sit pretty Suck my trilobite. I got a terabyte of something for you. No, thanks. I'm straight. So you keep saying. I'm not buying it. All right, I'm going to be back.

I'll be back. Don't talk shit on me while I'm gone, dude. So I know you brought these to... Oh, yeah, the Dons. The Don Fs. Yeah, what would you do if if i i would love it if you cracked one bro i'm i you know it's like my experience here has been so good that i was gonna take them home with me but i want you to have them we've earned them you've earned them you earned them in the first two minutes oh dude you donned it out bro you jumbo donned it dude i want to try the strawberry actually you want toned it out, bro. You jumbo donned it. Dude, I want to try the strawberry, actually.

You want to glaze it out? If I may, yeah. Glaze it, bro. Glaze it. Don't praise it. That's what I always say. You dog. Can I open these donuts?

Oh, dude. It'd be my pleasure. Do you want a donut, bro? I'd love one. Yeah. I may go to Arby's after this, too. Wow. We'll see you at the ER after that, too.

Donuts with Arby's for dessert. Broche. They call it the last day on Earth. How's the glazing, bro? Dude, delish. Glaze it up. The strawberry? Wow. Yeah.

How's your chew? You got a good chew oh you got a good pretty good chew yeah you like it i you know i i'm kind of playing it up because i'm with you really that's not your natural chew well everyone knows how good of a chewer you are and i just like i got a little embarrassed i'm a little bit more kind of low-key yeah you're quiet yeah the cal the California chew, they call it. How's your chew, brosh? Terrible.

You're like silent chewer. Mm-hmm. I can't even hear you. I've been doing sound for a long time. Harlan, we got a huge, huge question for you. This is an ongoing debate in the podcast. Yeah. In-N-Out or Five Guys?

In-N-Out. out why i thought i knew you uh-oh did i hit a bad spot oh no well because in and out sounds like a really fun heterosexual sex act and five guys sounds like i'm about to get on a gay boat cruise yeah so i'm gonna go in and out fair point dude your mind is always there i love it yeah i don't need no curly fries in the straight bin you know what i mean you got your guard up oh my god are you okay is harlan defending his sexuality again yeah no i was defending no fast food oh really yeah are we doing the five guys in and out thing yeah we already did it yeah how'd it go i think it went really really well i mean i think yeah i mean it is a pretty the fries solid argument the fries are trash though right in and out fries yeah that they thank you Thank you. You do not pry like that.

In-N-Out fries go cold faster than any fries you've ever had. They go cold almost as soon as they put them out the window. And then once they're cold, they taste like you're eating a foam cup. Yeah. But Five Guys, I'm going to give you Five Guys has better fries for sure thank you love their fries chad do you want to tap me into the patreon questions oh oh yeah um sorry brother i should have let's see you can't chew like that on we've been doing it yeah what we had a chew off bro what well you're over there dropping the brown trout into Creamy River.

I just took a one. I was peeing. That's not what we smell or heard. No, that's a fib. You tell these people the truth. What up, Staney? That's crazy, man. You're going to frame me?

That is crazy, yeah. Ever hear porcelain crack in the middle of the night, Will? All right, here comes the mid- what's up guys I'm interrupting this podcast to let you know once again that we have a Patreon out bonus episodes each week Chad and JT classic episodes you guys are going to love them check it out at

patreon.com slash Chad goes deep also we have a goal if we get 750, we're going to do a draft episode where we have a case race with Strider and Chris. So help us get to that goal, baby. 750 patrons. What up? We also have tour dates coming up. We're going on tour, leaving the state, leaving California,

going to Michigan, Texas, Washington, D.C., and more dates coming soon. Head to chatandjt.com for ticket links. We're also brought to you by the legends at Manscaped. Manscaped, what up? Thank you for sponsoring the podcast. You guys are the best on earth. You guys, if you're not on the Manscaped train yet, what are you doing? You've got pubes, and your pubes are running wild.

That's why you've got to Manscape them. So when people see your pubes, they're like, Whoa, this guy not only has his game tight for his dome piece, but also for his dink. And that's what you want. Also, Manscaped is looking out for National Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. So I want to take a second to talk about men's health issues that are important to me. Did you know that one guy every hour, every day is diagnosed with testicular cancer?

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investigate your nuts, check to see if you got any lumps or weird, you know, bumps on your nuts. Because testicular cancer is a real thing and you got to, you know, look out for it. And if you find something, get it fixed. It's fixable. Manscaped has helped me out. Also, they have a new shirt out. So they sent us this, but JT's neighbor unfortunately got the package and he's out of town. So we't have the product but it's a we save balls shirt we save balls how can you not want that shirt and a lawnmower 4.0 that's purple

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Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code GoDeepAtManscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code GoDeepAtManscaped.com. All right, back to the show. Dude, that's so uncalled for. I know. You know how it's being.

You saw me chugging coffee. I don't know. If you just scroll down, they're just... As they go? Yeah. Sweet. Sup, bros? First time writing it after smashing the Patreon subscription.

Anyways, Canadian listener living on the East Coast. There's not much to do here, but it's pretty chill. Recently, I've been thinking about what else is out there since we get wind, rain, and snow nonstop, and for half the year, it leaves me completely bummed out. I know if I moved somewhere nicer, I'd be much more stoked all the time. But is it worth leaving my bros and my family? Thanks, guys. I love you.

Wait, this is a Canadian guy? Mm-hmm. On the East Coast? And he wants to move somewhere sunnier, but he doesn't want to ditch his fam. Wow. That's what you did, basically, right? Yeah, I got out. I was in canada i was on the east coast not the east i was like toronto which is the east but he sounds like he's a maritimer

and one thing a maritimer always has to remember if you move away from the east coast you're not going to be able to go jigging for squid now bye bye. And if you're an East Coaster, you got to wake up in the morning and go jigging for squid there, bye. And you're not going to be jigging for squid, bye, here in fucking Santa Monica. So that's my answer. What do you got? I think you got to move, brother.

You'll still see your family, and they'll have a cool place to come visit you at. So yeah, go somewhere that's going to make you happy if the weather's having that much of an impact on your stoke. I would go somewhere that's, you know, I'm a prisoner of my own experience, but I feel free here. Like, the sun is lovely, and the beach is awesome, and I get a lot of joy from the good weather. No disrespect to places that don't have those options, but it does a lot for me, so I would make the move. Yeah, I think it's time to expand your experience.

I think you've got to move to new places. You've got to meet new people. It's fun to have your friends from growing up and all that kind of stuff, but you've got to expand. You've got to meet new people, and you'll find the experience different parts of yourself and all that kind of stuff you know maybe you'll come on this podcast and like harland yeah i don't know what's going with that yeah bring them on it could happen bring what you never know

it's not gonna happen if you stay where you're at dude yeah where you are. Yeah. Yeah. Gotta come here to be on it. Drink cactus cooler with the boys. Mm-hmm. Man up, brosh. Hey, council. Just wanted to say that listening to you dudes fires me up without fail.

I love the sage wisdom you guys consistently provide. I know that you guys are in great shape and I've been struggling to get back in the gym. I used to go to the Church of Iron all the time and loved it.

I've been pretty depressed and tired with where I'm at in life and that makes things hard. For context, I'm 25 and I'm pursuing my bachelor's degree. I went to culinary school when I was 19 and worked as a chef until recently. I thought that getting my bachelor's degree would help me achieve a happier existence, but I'm struggling with my mental health in all honesty. I know that if I get back in the gym, my mental health will improve, but I can't bring myself to get back there. i have to work out almost every day that i'm not in school to afford to live and i want to get back into the gym any advice would be greatly appreciated keep up the stoke uh i brought up the chef part because the

only reason i'm not fat is because of my knowledge of nutrition i'm not in great shape but i'm not fat any insight is a huge help well man it sounds like yeah the principal issue here is that you're not feeling good that you're feeling depressed there's different ways to get better on that but i definitely think the gym is a huge one for me in terms of motivation i think uh if it if it's not too much of a strain on the wallet i would join a gym where you're with other people because that accountability and that that connection uh makes it a lot easier. Like I always work out a lot harder and faster and with more intensity when I'm with the dogs.

So I would try to get your buddies on board and see if you can get them to do it. And then just another thing I do is I just tell myself, I'm just going to do a little bit. Just tell you, if you think about the whole workout, you'll overwhelm yourself and you won't do it for me at least. But if I just do a little bit, I'm like, I'm just going to do one set. Then after you're done with that, say like, okay, I'll do two. And then pretty soon you've done a whole workout.

So make it smaller in your head maybe as well. Yeah. Well, they say, don't they say that working out like releases all the endorphins and all that stuff and it actually affects your chemical balance, even when it comes to depression and stuff. So it sounds like you're saying you can't get to the gym, but try and put it into that extra gear and get yourself to the gym. Because like you said, once you start, it just kind of—

It's a momentum thing. Yeah. So don't fall back on the old, I can't. If you want to do something and you make time for it, you can. It may be a little extra work, maybe a little extra effort, but push through and that working out will be good for clearing up your depression, I'm sure. Yeah, because that voice is a liar.

It's saying I can't do this, but it's just a voice. It's just a bad friend. Well, it's like if you woke up every day and say, oh, I want to eat, but I can't't eat and then you didn't eat you die but you you eat every day because you have to and so look at this as that type of thing where if i don't exercise i'm not gonna feel good i'm not gonna help battle my depression or whatever so yeah and i think too whenever i like whenever i'm sort of faced with like daunting kind of tasks like that or like building i think it's a lot with working out it's like building a habit and you just gotta think if i just stay consistent with it you know for a week two weeks three weeks you know and start small you're gonna start building that

habit you know by the time you get to like 30 days i sort of equate it to like i quit vaping recently and in my mind you know it's like the first like week sucks but like if you just have in your mind i've just had in my mind if i make it to 30 days i'll have the habit of i'll lose that habit the nicotine habit that i had and so i think if you just have that goal in your mind and you sort of once you get closer to that it'll become unconscious and you'll you know just be in the gym

you quit vaping? yeah two weeks two weeks today awesome let's go um you got this dog

just keep pushing alright last question girlfriend living situation cue for the boys. This one's a little long. What up, bros? Love the pod. You guys are awesome.

Keep it up and please keep this anon. So I've been seeing this girl for a little over a year and we were both super stoked on each other. This coming summer, we were both going to be living in our college town. We were both originally from the other side of the country. I had known I was staying this summer for a while now, whereas she had been on the fence

about staying for work-related reasons, but was seriously trying to stay this summer i found out recently through overhearing her conversation with her friend that she was officially going to be staying this summer and subletting with her current girl roommate in their five guy best friend's house apparently they had finalized the plans two to three weeks ago but this was the first to her i had heard of it needless to say i was shocked that she hadn't said anything to me and that i had to find out by overhearing her side conversation with a friend and that she would be living with guys these guys are supposedly her girl group's best friends and strictly platonic and she did very sincerely apologize for not letting me know

when she had made her decision see she is a busy person so said it slipped her mind and that she assumed i knew she was staying the summer because she'd been clear from the start she was hoping to find a job and stay i believe her on that front because we were both very open with each other and the others go-to person for telling billy big and small news and she reiterated that in our talk about this the thing i'm still stuck on is living with her guy friends there is another girl in the house and she's not giving me any reason not to trust her, but I really do not know any of these guys.

We have talked about this entire sitch and she explained her rationale by saying she did not want to live in my house. I live with 11 other guys because she wanted to respect my autonomy and did not want to intrude on my guy time. I might need and simply is not as good of group of friends with my roommates as she is with the guys she is living with this summer. the living situation is sitting set in stone and i am still unsure of how comfortable i am with her living with guys i don't really know despite her being good friends i'm not sure if i'm being irrational or not here in my uncomfort with the situation

we really appreciate y'all's thoughts and advice so his girlfriend is his girlfriend he's gonna be living in the same town but rather than living with him and his 10 or 11 bros she's living with her girlfriend and five other bros that they're friends with and he doesn't know the guys and he doesn't like her living with all those fellas and she didn't tell him about it he overheard her talking about it i i would say what can you do like you just wait and see and find out hope for the best and we'll see what happens you gotta look on your face remember that story i told you where dustin hoffman was saying a bunch of stuff and i didn't hear a word of it

i think it just happened again bro that was i was a no disrespect to that but that was long bro i was like dustin is that you but i don't i don't even know what was said so i'm respectfully stepping out i'm taking a wag the dog on this one i think you're making a great point dude you're putting a lot of energy into this and you're thinking about it in a very deep and granular level and the truth is you know it was a little dicey she didn't tell you about it that would have pissed me off too but i just don't know what you can do about other than just see how it goes what do you think chad yeah i agree i mean i just sort of like, either you live with me and 10 dudes, or you live with her and five dudes.

I'm like, what's going on in this? There's a lot of people there. Well, it's college. It's like fresh. I know, but like, yeah, I mean, I don't know. Sounds like a cult is what it really sounds like. Yeah. He's in a cult, and he doesn't know it.

Well, do you think they're going to get married him in the scale? How old are they? They're in college. Yeah. Well, do you think they're going to get married, him and the scale? How old are they? They're in college. Yeah.

Look, anything could happen, but whenever something's dicey and it's already a problem before you even move into the next gear, it's already you're setting the table for problems. So maybe find something that's not such a nightmare, not such a hassle, and start going on a ride with that person maybe. Or I don't know. Yeah, it's hard to tell. I only caught a few words

of that whole story. I'd say stay present and let it ride. That's what I would do. What else are you going to do? I mean, because you don't want to break up with her just now over the living situation. I just got really excited when you first to do because you don't want to break up with her just now over the living situation I just got really excited when you first said five guys and I was like oh yeah

there's a burger thing I caught that part yeah had a Pavlov's dog kind of started salivating and ovulating come on my period you get periods? I do what's that like it's sort of like whenever i get a question mark but it's more direct um how about you uh i've tried i've never put you gotta push you really gotta

push you gotta tie your ankles to the end of the bed. Drink Newman's own lemonade and push. And you'll get it. You'll get your period, guy. I was drinking Tang. Yeah. Well, might want to try some Poon Tang and see if that helps. Hmm. Thanks for the tip. That's what she said.

What? thanks for the tip that's what she said do you think you could hear one more cue dude rock and roll uh heaven whatever you say that's right my prom was last weekend and i had a killer night the best friends around me and my date is amazing here's the situation my date and i went as friends or so i thought we got on the d floor and had some nice freak dancing to my surprise however i brushed this off as being in the moment and try not to get my hopes up for rush for reference i had a crush on her in the past but got rejected so after the dance we went to an after party and i went off on my own and had a fun night with a sweet girl not my date now my date and good friends seem more distant maybe she was into me and i fucked

my chances over any advice on future steps thanks guys love the pod huh does anyone here right have any small problems these are like the short stories oh who's writing these stephen king for for Christ's sake? Good Lord. No disrespect. I mean, again, I think I nodded off. I might have nodded off. I'm almost wishing Lee Harvey Oswald was still into book depositories right now because I almost need to be taken out

if I hear one more of these droning, whiny... No, I'm kidding. No, I don't think you're wrong, man. You gotta tighten them up a bit. Because I feel sorry for your lips and your tongue. Because you gotta flap it all out, right? It's my job. It's tough

though. I can hear you wheezing and struggling. It's a lot of words. Your little buddy do we do we think there's something that helped us do you know what I'm going to defer to you too because I think if you

roll back the tape I might have nodded off and no disrespect I just found out on the way over here at my gynecologist that I have narcolepsy. So I literally came right from my gyno to here, and he said I have narcolepsy. And I said, well, what were you doing while I was asleep? And he said, you don't want to know. And then I sent me on my way.

Sounds like a good appointment. If I knew what happened, I would concur, but I was passed out. Narcolepsy. Chad, anything? I kind of got lost, too. He went on a prom date with a girl. He hooked up with another girl.

They went as friends. He's wondering why she's being distant now. Did he fuck it up? Did he fuck up his chances girl they went as friends he's wondering why she's being distant now did he fuck it did he fuck it up did he fuck up his chances the date yeah they went as friends but they freak danced and he hooked up with someone else and he's interested in his prom date he'd had a crush on her before he made a move she rejected it oh uh i just said let it ride baby i don't know dude like she's not acting dizzy you guys are fine yeah it's okay to hook up with someone else especially at that age especially if you want his friends just keep talking to her it could work out yeah maybe try getting your first period you know like you're talking about well let's be clear i didn't get mine until i was 42

that must have been a hell of a surprise yeah are you kidding i got an x-ray and because i was worried i got an x-ray and the x-ray came out looked like i had swallowed a wetzel's pretzel my fallopian tubes looked like a wetzel's pretzel they even had the chunks of salt on it turned out to be mini fibroids unbelievable yeah but uh such is uh day in the life of a guy like me well i appreciate you being candid about it let's keep it pushing yeah chad you want to start us off whoa yeah chad who's your beef of the week uh my beef of the week is drip coffee i think it tastes like shit you know people are always like i like they're like i like drip coffee i like coffee from like these like you know nice coffee shops and stuff and every time i try the coffee i like that drip coffee it's like so bitter and i'm like i i'm like i hate this this way more than like Starbucks or like cheap coffee.

Like I prefer seven 11 coffee to the fancy coffee. And everyone's like, I'd love the taste. I love like the, the nuttiness and stuff. And I, and I, every time I drink it,

I'm like, I'm like, this is just, it's just tastes like really bitter piss. You know what I mean? And I just kind of think that the people who say they like the taste of good coffee are full of shit. I think you're right. Drip coffee tastes like shit.

It does. Are you a coffee guy? I've never had a coffee my whole life. Really? Yeah. Really? Have you ever got curious? No, I'm not curious.

When I was a kid, all i heard were the adults going i i gotta quit drinking i drink four of these a day i gotta oh that and i thought when i was like a little kid i went well if i never try one i'll never have that issue so i've never had a coffee that's fucking smart no wild that's crazy so i can't even i can't even touch this story wow i can't even comment on it well so who's your beef of the week it's just something you got a problem with a person a thing oh my beef of the week is people when they get into underground garages suddenly turn into galapagos tortoises like Like they slow down, they drive like so-so. And have you seen the baby speed bumps in the underground garage?

You know, you got the real ones out on the streets, but down in the garages they put the little baby ones, you know? And people, you know, driving their SUV four-wheeled Jeep over it slower than a, you know than a Galapagos tortoise at a slow-motion film festival in Slow Motion World. You know? I hear you. So I hate people driving in underground garages.

If I'm going to be committing to going below the earth's crust, I want some movement. You want full throttle. I want full throttle strata. I want strata action. You want the guy gone 60 seconds in the Hummer. Right? It's like just swirl around like you're being flushed.

Like speed it up there, Lofi. Like you're being flushed. Like speed it up there, Lofi. Like you're being flushed. Right? Because most of these things, you go down and down until you get to Satan and then you go back up again. Yeah. The uncertainty too. I was behind someone who's, they're backing out of their spot

and they're very uncertain about it. Yeah. I'm like, you made the move. Stick to it. You made the move. Let's go. Be confident about it. Be confident. you made the move stick to it let's go be confident about it be confident you're under the earth's crust you can't afford to mess around uh you're not a mole uh work it work it i like it my beef of the week is uh with the movie the northman

it's the new robert eggers movie it's like a 90 million dollar like viking epic that's based on hamlet and uh dude just did not deliver the goods in a way that i needed it like uh you know i'm big on action epics like braveheart that's like that's like the big holy grail of those things for me and this movie was just like, had good scenes, but the scene to scene, like connective tissue and sequencing of it was like too random and narrow. And it was like really bogged down in like mysticism and woo woo, which like, I don't mind if my warriors believe in God or if they talk about angels helping them fight, but I don't need to go into like some weird realm seeing it.

You know what I mean? I just need them to mention it. Oh, so they filmed the dream sequence of what they were... All that stuff, which took away from the human story of it. Exactly. And then the biggest thing I think it missed out on, this is my favorite part of Braveheart, because I always rewatch Braveheart,

is my favorite part of Braveheart is that after they kill his wife, when William Wallace comes back and just goes to work on the British soldiers, just starts like beating the shit out of him and killing him, all of his Scottish brethren, they get right in there. They don't hesitate. There's not like a big talk like, Hey, do we help William fight? No, they see William fighting. They go right in and they start bashing skulls with them. What do we get out of that? Just brotherhood. And they

don't got to say it's brotherhood. We just get see it these are brothers in the fight that's always the best part of a huge action epic and there's none of that in the northman there's no brotherhood there's no camaraderie and it's just way too narrow that way sorry i'm really loud sorry if that's spiked needed the passion your compassion it made me think we need to bring mel gibson back like maybe you know psycho bros make better epics i mean maybe it's better they don't and that they have a you know smaller station in our culture but uh and maybe that's better but the the epics did suffer and maybe that's okay but i don't know i thought it missed the mark still cool still a cool movie still entertaining but wait is it a movie or a series? Movie. And it's about Vikings?

I think so. Northman. Alexander Skarsgård, he's good in it. Northman? He gets jacked. Well, what if it's just about a bunch of characters from Bakersfield? I mean, that's North. Or the PNW.

No thanks, I'm... You can say it. Straight. They fuck butts up there. Some strictly oral guys too. Whoa, bro. Come on. We can talk about it.

I ain't no Northman. But you're fluent in language. That's true. That's true. Do you speak other languages? I try. Okay. DeVry. Rhymes with DeVry. What Do you speak other languages? I try. Okay. De Vry.

Rhymes with De Vry. What do you speak? A little Spanish. Oh, nice. Very sexy. Con mucho gusto. No, thanks. Can you finish it?

You're straight. I try to say it in Spanish, but i don't know what straight is you speak spanish too that's cool man yeah you can rip it you ripped it real ripe dude you like that you ripened it up and then sour squashed it. Yeah, but no thanks, I'm straight. Me too. You're the only one that hasn't said it, brosh. I let my experience speak for itself. True.

Claro que si. Que quieres, Harland? Oh wow, I see what's happening now. I'm trapped. Trapped in the middle. Yes. It's like an orange Julius salad all coming together. You want to hear a Spanish joke?

I can do one joke in Spanish. Yes. You want to hear it? Yes, please. I'm not very good, but I'll try. These three gringos walk into a bar. Forget it.

You won't understand it. Keep going. I can tell you don't get it. Your Spanish is good, but not that good. No, no. Keep going. I think I could get the end.

I'm out. I'm out. I'm exhausted. Is it me now? Go Chad who's your babe of the week? My babe of the week is that brown widow Wait you're babe of the week? It's my babe yeah Babe can be anything

It can be female, it can be male It can be animal, insect Inanimate object Donut Yeah it's the brown widow sorry i had to kill you dude um you know i felt bad about it but you know according to grady actually grady was like turn me on he's like dude that's brown widow they infested my yard kill that shit and so you know i didn't feel is it poisonous yeah you know what i read i read that

it's technically more poisonous than the black widow but they don't deliver as much poison doesn't that offset what you just said though wasn't it negate like they would be more poisonous if they could hit you with it yeah but they're just a little bit more shy they don't deliver the brown what has brown

done for you lately well bit my daughter and killed her how about that you son of a and you're just throwing things at the tv right the fuck out of my face with this shit don't you ever come in here again with that attitude hey legged freak i was brown done flung through my windshield and killed my dad yeah poor dad the crazy thing about that story too is it was Santino's mom

who flew through the windshield yeah crazy coincidence yeah it's like a play I remember he was telling me that and you were like bro are you shitting me that was my dad yeah who's your babe of the week

babe of the week babe of the week babe of the week I rented the movie babe by just by fluke the one about the little pig the George Miller movie yeah

and so I guess that would have to be my babe of the week because I actually watched babe on Wednesday night and so that would be my babe of the week because I actually watched Babe on Wednesday night. And so that would be my Babe of the Week. I watched the little pig movie.

It's a fabulous movie. It's a great movie. Great family movie. I had a family there. And when the movie finished, I drove them back to Glendale, dropped them off. And it was great.

Family viewing. If you can find a family that's funny my baby of the week is the, you done Moon Tower Comedy Festival? no, what is it? it was a comedy festival in Austin that we went to last week and I think I had the best time of my life is that right? Austin's a good city

it was like summer camp all these comedians out there were all staying at the same hotel and you're just bird scootering from show to show and it just put me in such a joyous mindset and i was just noticing things more you know when you're happy you notice things more i was like on the plane coming back till eight i was getting off and i was just picking up all these details like i saw the guy in front of me getting his neck rubbed by his wife and he was so relaxed even though we were on a plane and we're all, you know, stuck in there like sardines and he can't wait to get off,

but he's just relaxed. Then I saw a dad who was traveling with his three sons and they were running around like in the aisle in front of him and he was just kind of smiling and laughing. And it was almost like that, that moment in source code

where the whole thing gets freeze-framed and you just see all this, you know, human life. And I was like, this is lovely. And I think Moon Tower gave that to me. Put you in a good mood. I've heard of that festival. of that festival yeah i've never done i'll have to do that one it's fun yeah it looks good austin we'll hang next time yeah austin's great it's a good city it is yeah you're just walking down the street there's like guys playing dice on the street people are like living yeah they're living in terry jack's uh barbecue did you go there no we did some barbecue what was

it called again i forget that could have been my beef of the week though i'm this is real controversial i don't think i like brisket whoa really interesting i don't think i like brisket why not it's not that it's bad it's just there's like seven other meats i would order really above it i love brisket yeah i mean i think that's the pop i think that's the consensus but every time i have it i'm like it's good but i've never been blown away by it do you like it with fat or without fat i think with less fat that's what it is you gotta like get the get the fat man no i i don't i don't like the fat i know but that's why you don't like it because the fat's where all the flavor is so you're oh that makes sense you're getting it probably with not as much kick as but that's okay thank you yeah

you're very very welcome very welcome chad who's your legend of the week um so i was watching espn the other day i never really watched i'm not a big sports guy okay i was watching espn the other day and i i noticed this uh this new guy in the nba uh jeremy lynn dude he crushed it in this game against the nets scored like 25 points this guy's incredible and uh i'm just i'm proud to say i think i have lynn sanity right now wow this guy's a fucking beast dude jeremy lynn you know crushing on the knicks you're a beast dude and not a big sports guy but i'm pulling for this guy i hope he pulls through and he just crushes it he's incredible to watch that's amazing yeah insanity bro i got it insanity yeah beautiful dude brush uh harlan who's your legend of the week my legend of the week is uh is a guy named kane he's a canadian guy and he's the top racquetball player of all time. And in the last 15 years, he's dominated the sport to the point where I think he's only lost four games in 15 years.

That's incredible. So if you were to take the professional sport of racquetball and stack it up with hockey and basketball. So let's say Gretzky's records are here. Michael Jordan's are here. Kane's would be beyond this roof. So this guy's unbeatable. He takes the number two, three, four, and five players in the world and beats them up like they were kids.

Really? Yeah, and he's playing today, right now, tomorrow, and Sunday here in LA. And I'm going to go watch him on Sunday. And he's just... The problem is racquetball is kind of a low end of the spectrum sport. But if you play it, it's an unbelievable sport. I play about four times a week.

And so Kane is definitely... This guy, someday I think the world will look back and recognize what a phenomenon this guy is. Like if you compare him to any other champion in a sport, he's done stuff. He's been untouchable. It's crazy. That's amazing. Yeah. You're a big racquetball guy.

Yeah. That's a great sport. When I first moved to L.A., I think I saw you at the L.A. Fitness. Yeah. That's a great sport. When I first moved to LA, I think I saw you at the LA Fitness. Yeah, that's where I play. Yeah, when I first moved here. I was at the LA Fitness. I just saw Harlan Williams playing racquetball, I think. Oh, yeah.

That was like 10 years ago. Yeah, probably about eight. I didn't start until about probably eight years ago. Okay. I played hockey my whole life. Yeah. I didn't start till about probably eight years ago. Okay. I played hockey my whole life. Yeah. I played here in LA. I played ice league and roller league.

So I played twice a week. Hockey's so fun. Hockey's the best. But then one day a buddy of mine at the gym said, you want to play racquetball? I go to the gym where they had four racquetball courts, but I just ignored them. I never went.

And I said, yeah, I'll try it. And the day I tried it, I got addicted, and I haven't played hockey since. I play racquetball four times a week now. There's something about the sound. Oh, it's just all of it. It's such a great game. But anyways.

It's the best. Good workout. It's the best. My Legend of the Week is Oliver Reed reed the legendary uh british actor oh yeah uh oliver twist is that right yeah he was in the famous movie oliver twist he was in gladiator right proximo and gladiator yeah this is my brother and my buddy robbie put this on my radar but this is how wikipedia describes his death He died from a heart attack during a break from filming Gladiator in Malta on the afternoon of May 2nd, 1999. According to witnesses, he drank eight pints of German lager, a dozen shots of rum, half a bottle of whiskey, and a few shots of Hennessy Cognac in a drinking match against a group of sailors on shore leave from Hsm cumberland at a local pub his bill totaled a little over 270

maltese lira about 600 bucks after beating five much younger royal navy sailors at arm wrestling reed suddenly collapsed dying dying while en route to hospital in an ambulance yeah he was notorious a notorious drunk but But going back to earlier, our conversation about intense actors who had it, he was definitely one of those guys. He played a character named Bill Sykes in the Oliver Twist movie. And he was one of those guys

who was kind of a force when he was on screen. He was very big and overwhelming and had a real presence. And he didn't stop being a character when they said cut. He lived that all the time. Oh, yeah. He was a really kind of hard living, hard drinking. He used to go on The Tonight Show and stuff like that

and say really controversial things about women, and he'd be drunk. Yeah, he was a character, character man but a really good actor he went through life swinging he went through life swinging and it was actually when i saw gladiator was a real surprise to see him because you know he'd been kind of out of the he was out of the circulation yeah yeah and then all of a sudden there he was and he he looked a little beat up and battered you know life life had probably uh you know worn him down a little bit and he he looked a little beat up and battered you know life life had probably uh you know worn him down a little bit but he he did a great job in that movie and uh

yeah wildlife beautiful soul i don't know about that but uh he was uh maybe what what would you say what's a better term for it just a bull in a china shop yeah he was kind of like he was a candle that burned pretty damn bright, I guess, you know? Maybe burned some other people too, is what we're saying. Yeah, I think so too, yeah. I'm trying to do burn bright, but, you know, don't singe anybody else if you can. Yeah, that's a good philosophy. Treat the world kindly and leave behind kindness.

Yeah. Amen. I like that. Chad, what's your quote of the week uh my quote of the week comes from kid rock his song cocky that's one of my favorite songs of all time there's a line there get more ass than mark mcgrath that's my quote wait mark mcgrath was sugar ray oh yeah yeah that guy who we should he should have been a mention we had a draft for top front men mark mcgrath he should have been honorable mention iconic yeah what's your quote of the week harley my quote of the week is i read a magazine article with an interview from william shatner captain kirk

and i didn't expect to learn too much i just thought it'd be interesting to read and he said something in it that was very prolific and and i it made a lot of sense and he he said they asked him they go uh you know bill what what what's the meaning of life or what have you learned in your long journey or something to that effect and his reply was he goes the only thing i know is that none of us know anything and it's like when you think of the scope of eternity and the universe and the planets and all the stuff we've created and the cosmetic jungle we've created and all the toils and trials and tribulations each of us humans have, it's like at the end of it, we really, none of us really, even though we do know things, we really don't know anything at all. And it was very powerful to me. Even though we do know things, we really don't know anything at all. And it was very powerful to me. It was such a quick and simple statement,

and it came from a source that I just thought maybe I'd let that float away, but it really, I don't know, it really hit me in the face. None of us know anything. Yeah, I love that kind of that because i say philosophy and there's that kind of you know you study that idea yeah and i love it because i think it helps to just sort of release any kind of you know uh it helps you to be more present and enjoy enjoy life and enjoy you know sort of like we embrace like silliness and goofiness you know it's because it sort of takes the weight off your shoulders of like oh you know i'm just here i'm living i'm existing that's right yeah that's a good way yeah and it's like you know there's

it's just temporary and and you know why not have fun yeah i guess that's a lot of way i glean from that yeah yeah yeah hell yeah uh my quote of the week is also from the kid rock song cocky it's the line before that where he says got more money than matchbox 20 dude wow he's doing better than matchbox 20 and mark mcgrath yeah and i mean on the two big fronts money and ass whoa and he's letting them know about it i bet you they were pissed when they heard that song they were like matchbox 20 was like sending your tax returns dude let's go toe-to-toe here dude how would you feel if a singer came out with a song said and then he hit a lyric get more ass than jt parr uh depends on who the singer was michael bolton i'll give it to him yeah sharon's earned it it's uh i don't know enrique

iglesias yeah maybe i'll go toe-to-toe with you buddy let's really see who's who's laying it down you fucking pussy sorry i got beef with that guy he's laying it down um i've seen him in person enrique yeah he's a beautiful man right i used to have his calendar He's hot You've seen him in person Yeah I did security For his concert once Oh nice It was insane That's awesome Well he can run

He can hide But he can't escape The dick down I'm putting on him Nice See who the hero is after that So I'm just reffing the songs Chad what's your phrase Of the week for getting after it

If you don't mind Wait did you have a quote You getting after it? If you don't mind. Wait, did you have a quote? You did have a quote, yeah. If you don't mind, I think let's lay the dick down on Enrique. That'll get people fired up. Yeah. Harlan, a phrase of the week for getting after it is just a quick couple words that will fire people up to go hit the town and party.

a couple words that will fire people up to go hit the town and party uh chicken licking chicken licking chicken at its best north east south or west mine uh sorry it's quick anecdote but uh there was a football team in orange county i didn't 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000.

00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000.

00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000. 00,000'd say that he was live, which meant you could hit him, and the defense would go crazy with excitement that they got to light this kid up. His name was Mooma, and the coaches would go, Mooma's live,

and all the defenders would go, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. And then Mooma would just be standing back there knowing that everyone was putting their ears back coming for him. And it never failed to excite the defense and to get everybody more energized for the end of practice. And look, it was a mean thing to do. It was cruel that these adults were putting these kids in a position to be violent towards one person.

But it worked, and it was so successful that I heard to this day, that was 20 years ago, the coaches still say Moomins live, even though he hasn't been the quarterback there in 20 years. He coined a phrase. I like that. It was a valuable... He's a great guy, too.

He's actually really politically astute now, and I read his breakdowns on Facebook, and I'm like, bro, you fucking drilled it. He really leveled up and is a whiz when it comes to breaking down what's going on in the world. But yeah, if you're going out with your friends, just say, hey, tonight Moom was live. I like it. I like it. It was live. Well, that's it, Harlan.

Dude, thanks for coming in.cious thank you you're a legend man that was so fun thank you buddy can i do a power power crackle yeah what's that called power crackle that's a power crack can i get one more teriyaki power you want to put teriyaki boom bro and sometimes if you put uh mayonnaise on your, it just gives it a little extra. A little slide. Yeah, a little slide. Hellmans. A little Hellmans brosh.

Appreciate it, man. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Oh, no. You got a podcast, Harlan's Highway. Oh, should we mention? Yeah.

Oh, the bro just scabbed into my donette. Wow, bro. the bro just scabbed into my donette wow bro i like see i thought i'd have you right to the end and then you just he got me he pretended it was over got into my donette and then you brought it back and we're still live we're still alive yeah so okay so i have uh my own podcast that I just started up called The Harlan Highway on YouTube. And also, if I can plug one more thing, if that's cool. Absolutely, plug away. Because I'm kind of proud of this. You know, we live in a world of brand names and trademarks and all that stuff.

So I don't know if you noticed, but I draw my own t-shirts. So I drew this right on here with Sharpie. You drew that with Sharpie? Yeah, this was drawn right onto the shirt. And I drew this yesterday. And I sell my own hand-drawn shirts at a website called harbling.com. And it's just if you want to wear your own piece of original art, you can go to harbling.com and order one of my shirts.

And if we're out of the original, you can get a print. But these are hand-drawn right on there. Dude, no hyperbole? That might be the coolest merch I've seen. That's so cool that it's specific and unique like that. Well, that's what I wanted. I wanted to offer, like I said, in a world of brand names and logos,

I wanted people to be able to get something that... It's a real piece of you. It's a real piece of art, and it's a real drawing, and it's right on the shirt. It's not... So, yeah. So if you like it and you want to get some,

I got a whole bunch on my website. So that's all I'm going to plug. That's fucking awesome. Thank you. That's cool awesome thank you that's cool and you're on tour too you're gonna oh yeah check my uh my website harlowwilliams.com and you can see my uh stand-up comedy tour uh list or whatever it's called yeah you're one of the most fun guys to watch i gotta say oh thanks man yeah you're on our show one time i don't know if you remember maybe it's like three years ago yeah it was so much fun uh oh a stand-up show yeah was it at the laugh factory no improv lab oh the old in the lab okay yeah yeah okay well we got a main room show now we

leveled up a little bit well good i'll be honored yeah well let's don at it up bros yeah you bring the donettes to the show we'll bring the don show? We'll bring the don-nets, and we won't bring the small ones. We're going to bring the jumbos, bros. I might munch yours during your set. I think it sounds like I just got strawberry glazed, bros. Big time. You can glaze me anytime. That's what she said. She said? Thank you.