Going Deep with Chad and JT - EP 297 - Harland Williams Returns

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Today we are joined by one of our favorite guests, Harland Williams!After his first appearance on the pod, many stokers called that episode one of the greatest ever recorded in pod history. Can he bring the same heat today? We will be waiting by the epson inkjet printer to find out!   Harland Highway Podcast:https://www.youtube.com/@UCCxw3NMP8-2BtgRgIjjLo_A  OUR NEW MERCH IS LIVE! SALE ENDS THIS FRIDAY (6/30)shop.chadandjt.com Call us, leave a 60 sec voicemail with your issue or question: 323-418-2019(Start with where you're from and name for best possible advice) Check us out on tour!  We've got shows in Indiana and IRVINE next! https://www.chadandjt.com Check out the reddit for some dank convo: https://www.reddit.com/r/ChadGoesDeep/

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Yeah, dude. We're pumped on this. And we're really pumped on those designs. I'm rocking this shirt. This is one of my favorite pieces. Long sleeve Stoke tee right here. So Stoke on the back. Oh, dude. If you guys want to represent Stoke Nash, check out the gear.

Go to challengeat.com. It's really cool, really slick designs, and there's a limited amount, so make sure you get them while they're hot. And I think we also designed it so that even if you are a fan of the show, you're repping the show but you're also repping something larger than than than us yeah like it's a it's real well designed well thought out clothing that i think can rip in multiple settings it's sort of like like premier quality surf shop clothing like not where it's, it's like the kind of surf clothing they could wear on a date.

Yeah. It's like if Ron John had sex with Jack Nicholson. Exactly. Exactly. We're also on tour. Next tour day is Fort Wayne, Indiana. We're also doing like San Diego shows here and there.

We're going to be at the Hollywood improv. We were there last night at the time of this recording. Whoa, that was fun. Yeah, that was fun. I can't believe you pulled your dick out. Dude, yeah, I pulled my dick out. And so if you want to see that, and you're in Fort Wayne, Indiana, or just around there, get your tickets at ChanGT.com. Now you have to

pull your dick out. Yeah, because we're talking in the future. Now I have to do it. It's like, this is like Terminator 2 stuff. I just butterfly affected you. Yeah. Wow. So if you were at the show last night, congrats on seeing my hog. And yeah, let's start the show.

Let's flip the patty and let's also flick the nipples. What's up, Stokers of Stoke Nation? This is Chad Kroger coming in with the Going Deep in Chad JT podcast. I'm here with my compadre, Sean Thomas. What up? Boom clap, Stokers. And we are here back with Harland. Dude, thank you for joining us. Harland Williams.

You know, you're like our most popular episode especially amongst the hardcore fans like when they do little straw pulls on who's the best come on

you come out on top are you serious that's the straight scuttlebutt baby come on I'm telling you me moi

that's no cap from the streets where's your camera cause I wanna I wanna I wanna thank your I've never said anything like that Gen Z terminology no cap from the streets. Where's your camera? Because I want to thank your... I've never said anything like that. Gen Z terminology.

No cap from the streets? Yeah. That's how they're talking on the hip parts of town. Where's your camera? Because I got to say thanks to your peeps, to your brocephioshes. I think this one. Where? Look at this one.

The one that Chad's pointing at. Oh, that one. Can I say thank you to your peeps? Bro, let them have it. Thanks for making me the number one capper. What was it? The cap. No cap means it's not alive, but we call them stokers.

Okay. Hey, stokers. We're crossing streams linguistically. Hey, stokers. We're crossing streams linguistically. Hey, Stoker. Shh. Hey, Stokers. Thanks for making me your number one. My name's Chucky, and I'll be your friend till the end.

I stole the line from the Chucky movies. Oh, dude. Is that what he says in Child's Play? Yeah. He says, I'll be your friend till the end. Well, this is grown man serious. Say, hey, what now? Is that a Child's Play?

Oh, what if he's grown man serious? That's you, baby. That's me. I wanted to ask you, is this the sexiest you've ever felt? Like in your whole life? You know, organically, it's the sexiest i've ever felt but i'm in show business and um i put together a show where i sort of had to force myself to be sexy have you ever seen that show undercover boss so i wrote a show and we've been shooting for the last four months at night called undercover whore and well and what i do is i

wow okay when's it my turn to shine so what i do is i go out at night i have a black leather mini skirt and i hit truck stops i'll hit a denny's uh i got fish nets i got heels and i walk around with the night walkers and i'm just an undercover whore and i try to you know infiltrate i don't know if you've ever heard that word infiltrate how far do you go with doing the job i'll go all the way i've done a triple bypass orgy like we had a we had a van full of guys that just they snuck them out of uh cedar sinai they had triple bypasses they were cut wide open no they were they were stitched we call it a frankenstein mount and uh we we had uh we had a good time with them and uh, you know, it's undercover whore, so you got to go all the way.

Do you hit glory holes? You'll hit a glory hole up now and then. Do you hit the glory hole just by nature of the show? Do you hit the glory hole and then at the end be like, hey, it's me, Harland? Well, when you do this, that's a lot of body language. Yeah. So you got to remember, it's a glory hole. We're working with this much real estate. So I don't go, hey, it's me, that's a lot of body language. Yeah. So you've got to remember, it's a glory hole. We're working with this much real estate.

So I don't go, hey, it's me, it's Harland. After the act's finished, I come down with my eye and I go, hey, it's me, Harland. And people recognize my eyes. Oh, you have iconic eyes, yeah. My cousin Ron used to blow guys at glory holes. And one time a guy couldn't get hard, and he called him a boring hole. Whoa.

Whoa, bro. Flatten the salami and play the skin flute till your fucking toenails curl up and you become a reverse three-toed sloth and climb down a tree instead of up. That's crazy. Do you have trouble getting hard as an undercover whore good question dude i commit no no are you all natural the only thing that really holds me back is that black leather mini skirt right right because how you can press and press and it's hard to

you know where do you find all the chicks who want to sleep with you well it i said whore not gigolo oh so it's mostly dudes yeah truck stops then i don't want to do it i'm not i don't party on fun street but it's it's for the show. It's work. It's work. You're either going to commit to the role or you're not. What's your whore name? Well, in Bakersfield, where we shot a lot of it,

it's Cinnamon Twat. Well. I feel like maybe I'm Insulting you No one's laughing at you You were impressed by your commitment And by the colorful names you give to things Cinnamon Twat

And down in We shot the last season down in San Diego Bubblegum Clit Sally Bubblegum Clit Sally and we shot the last season down in San Diego. Bubble Gum Clit Sally. Bubble Gum Clit Sally. So in terms of inspiration, what actors or what horrors have inspired you in your performance? I'd say one of the biggest horrors was,

who's that guy, James? James Goldifini? Biggest whores was, who's that guy, James? James. Baldwin? Goldifini? James Gandolfini. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't he the guy?

Tony Soprano. Yeah. Total whore, yeah. Yeah. In the show, he was a big slut. Yeah. Was he like that in real life, too? You knew him.

Well, yeah, he was uh tell us about the fishing trips you used to go on with with big andolf so we'd go what was your nickname for we'd go up to a place called mammoth lakes it's about six hours north of uh cali and uh we would go up there we'd rent a cabin and uh he'd tell his wife he was going fishing, and we'd get up there, and this guy would spread eagle faster than Rod Stewart at a fucking Vaseline party, bros. I mean, this guy's legs would fly open like a garage door at an all-you-can-eat fucking Shelley Duvall concert.

Yeah, that's fast. Yeah. That's wide. Yeah, just wide and tight. Yeah, that's a lot. Was he a good lay? I didn't lay him. I didn't power ride,

but I heard word on the street he could power glide. Does he assume like the Tony Soprano persona? He's like, hey, do you want some gabagool? I don't know. I never witnessed an act. I just was around him. You could hear the drywall shaking.

He's a big guy. He's a big guy. I mean, that's Brokeback Mountain but like, that'll actually break the back. That's more like Mount St. Helens, that one. Just eruption. Boulders rolling and children getting their spinal bifida squished out of them. So can we like role play?

Let's say I'm a John. Okay. And I'm approaching Cinnamon Twat. I just want to see your sort of opener and how you wrangle in John. Sure, sure. Let me move my drink. Rolling down the window. Hey.

Hi. Hey, how's it going? Good, how are you? Good, you looking for some heat? Yeah, Roger referred me to you. Oh, yeah, Roger. You're Cinnamon Twat, right? Yeah, Cinnamon Twat.

Listen, I could wrap my legs around you like a Cirque du Soleil performer with epilepsy. You want to party? Are you laughing at me? No, dude. I'm just so excited. I feel like I just forgot lube, though. Do you have lube? I've got lube, all right.

Yeah. You want to party? Let's party. Hop in my Ford Ranger. 300 first. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here you go. I'll pay the other half next.

After the act. Okay, let's party. And that's kind of, you know know why the emphysema well what you do is you sniff the money to make sure that it's real people in the places i was you get a lot of counterfeit a lot of monopoly bills yeah just like you know people the people are struggling these days there's a lot of counterfeit going around so you got to to sniff it, make sure. You know money has that scent? Yeah. You know?

Power. Like it's got that, money has a real scent. See what you got going. Yeah, I don't want to flex, but I think I got some struggles. Oh, yeah. Is it real? Mm-hmm. Let's see.

A oney, a couple of oneys. Three oneys three oneys three oneys won't get you many honeys but let's see one of these is fake which one see if you can pick it I know which one the middle one yeah sniff it

sniff that one it's blank now sniff these little puppies they smell right wow so what do I do

that's what cinnamon angel does or whatever the fuck my name was one year old dog rumpus yeah was a cop dog. Oh, the drug dog? Yeah, he used to work over at the airport. And one time he found a bag of cocaine up a woman's you-know-what

and sniffed it out and they yanked it and he got addicted to the smell of you know what and couldn't sniff coke anymore he became a full-on whore dog hmm yeah I started just going to sneaking into shelters at night and pounding everything in there Wow do you think he was happier? I think he was happier. Yeah. That's a better life. Fucking, you know, he'd go down to the Humane Society, he'd go to the kill centers, you know,

where they put the dogs to sleep. So sad. He'd go on death row, pound their brains out because he knew they were dying in the morning. Right. Just let them ride. Set them off on a high note. Yeah.

And sometimes you know how dogs after they've had intercourse their phallus gets stuck did you know that they get stuck in a dog

and this is how I caught the guy one day he got stuck and he came he snuck in came home four in the morning

with a dachshund stuck on to his undercarriage still attached oh dude he must have been pissed this dog was crying so now i had to feed two dogs and uh god and it stayed on there for a good

probably half a day wow yeah and in those situations you have to let them just stay just gotta let them stay and sometimes have you ever seen you when you go to 7-eleven you have the the wieners that roll on the thing so if you have a a dash hound stuck to your bigger dog's phallus and you just slap it you know just kind of like a an italian a fuck you slap the damn the dog will roll it'll rotate on the bigger dog's phallus. So now you've got a spinning wiener dog on the undercarriage of your husky, your roddy, your Irish wolfhound. And I just see that thing spinning down the street. It's like being at a Santa Claus parade, but you've got spinal bifida. I like how you stood up to the Homeowners Association, too,

when they wanted you to put rumpus down because you were slamming too many of the neighborhood dogs yeah well what i did is i i there's a trick that it's a common trick have you ever you have dogs you guys dog owners have you taught your dog this trick how to play dead all the time so what you do is to fuck over your neighbors is you say it loudly where they're in their yard barbecuing or having a pool party or whatever and you play play dead rumpus and you know they heard it you can sort of see them peeking over that and what you do is you go through it you get a shovel you know your dog lays down pretends it dead you dig about a six foot hole in the ground throw your live dog in

and bury it like like it's really dead death you fake the death and then uh at night you uh you wait till it's finally claws its way out and you pretend it's a zombie and you smash it in the face with the shovel it goes back well just trying to wow okay so you did me fuck me tender he had to prove that you were 100 in this way they think rumpus is gone yeah uh and uh and he's not he's he's still around just wearing a wig oh man imagine a dog with a wig yeah would you do it i don't know would you put a wig on a dog with a wig. Yeah. Would you do it? I don't know. Would you put a wig on a dog? To keep it from getting killed, I would. But what about just to go out, like to a dog park?

Like, would you slap, let's say, a Tina Turner wig on a Roddy? I would. That sounds really funny. What about you? Let's say a Farrah Fawcett wig on a Basset Hound? These are great hairstyles you're picking. Well, if you're going to wig it out with a hound, you might as well. A Basset Hound, if it's in heat, absolutely.

A Farrah Fawcett wig? Oh, yeah. Wow. I'd put Whoopi Goldberg dreads on probably a Rhodesian Ridgeback. That's a good dog. I'd go hunting for quail. I'd put a Julius Irving fro on a Bichon Frise. Oh, Brosephi-ish.

Talk to me. The contrast. Dude, this is like art. That's what I'm thinking. Wow. Mm-hmm. I'd put an Afro. I'd put an Afro on one of those bald dogs From South America

You ever seen those ones They have no fur Yeah You just slap a friggin afro On that puppy And watch it strut down the street Eating cabbage rolls Or whatever they eat

Like a chihuahua with alopecia Oh wow Talk to me guy Chihuahua Chihuahua I put a bowl cut on a Dalmatian one time. Are you serious? Mm-hmm.

A bowl cut on a Dali. It was the fireman's dog, yeah. Because it had a lot of attitude because it was the fireman's dog. Yeah. And I was like, you need a bowl cut just to, you know, right-size you a little bit. I kind of stray away from Dalmatians because i had an incident i don't know if you guys ever heard about this but i accidentally i don't even know if i bring this up i accidentally killed a family um i purchased a dalmatian uh on the black market, someone up in Bakersfield was selling us on Craigslist.

Puppy, right? Beautiful Dalmatian puppy. Get it home. I'm raising him. I'm feeding him. Getting him going. This thing hits three years old. Turns out it was an albino jaguar.

Ate my neighbor's kids. Oh, my God. And am I to blame? know it was an albino it had the spots that had the dalmatian spots i mean how am i supposed to know was it getting in trees and all that doing jaguar dogs will climb anything if you let them that's what i figured too yeah and this thing you know one night it sneaks out eats eats three children. There were legs in the yard. There was a neck, a four-year-old's neck bone, like the gravel clave on the sidewalk. Did you feel guilt? No. How do I know?

How do you differentiate a Dalmatian from an albino jaguar. Who can do that? I was on speakerphone when the neighbors came over to yell at you about it. Okay. And you just said plainly, honest mistake. Honest. And honesty is the best policy. Let me ask you this.

Would you know the difference between an albino leopard or jaguar and a Dalmatian no only if it told me all right and they're deaf yeah dalmatians are they i think so huh that's why they're on fire trucks oh because of the doesn't bother the sirens i did not know that might be an old wives tale wow that makes sense and if they're not deaf they'd probably go deaf pretty quickly you still talk to your childhood principal once a week oh god that guy yeah i mean mr king is not someone that I really want to stay in touch with, but... He's proud of you. Well, he should be proud. When you take a young boy's virginity in a refrigerated meat truck,

if that's pride, then he can go sit on a merry-go-round, turn your horse backwards, and ride into fucking Cherry Delicious' house of fucking crab beef. He targeted you because you were on the carnivore diet, right? Hmm? He targeted you because you were on the carnivore diet, right? I don't know that word. Carnivore? Yeah, you just eat meat?

That's where the issue with the Jaguar came from. Wait a minute. So a vegetarian eats vegetables, and a carnivore eats meat? Mm-hmm. It's these teeth, the canines. Yeah. They're meant to tear meat. An herbivore eats herbs.

Herbivore. Mm-hmm. But your principal had no canine teeth they're all sanded down he had all molars how do you know so much about mr gravel he got hammered he goes by a lot of aliases yeah his principal yeah come on brother come on man i just i'm amazed that you still take his calls considering what yeah you know a lot of i would call a crime that he perpetrated on you a great trauma yeah yeah you know but you still pick up you know what i you do you want to hold a grudge in life

i think one of the the biggest things that slows people down in life is holding grudges, right? It's heavy. Do you guys believe in forgiveness? Oh, absolutely. Have you ever had a scenario where someone did done you wrong, real bad like? Mm-hmm. Yep. And you had to forgive?

Mm, yeah. Go. Let's hear this. I remember one time my dad sent me to military school. I remember one time my dad sent me to military school. And this is actually, you know, my drill sergeant bent me over an Epson printer. Oh, dude. Inkjet?

Yeah, and you know how when you're with sword play, you use wooden swords, bayonets. He used wooden bayonets. Yeah. He put a bayonet up my ass and made me sing the national anthem. And it was at that moment that I forgave my dad

because it led to such a beautiful experience. It was okay? Yeah, because I was mad that my dad sent me there and then that happened and then I was psyched. Why military Yeah, because I was mad that my dad sent me there, and then that happened, and then I was psyched. But why military school? Because I was a stone. He was about to join Al-Qaeda.

Yeah. Dude. He's real rebellious. Severe. Yeah, I had bought my tickets on Al Jazeera Air. Wow. Yeah. Coach or first class?

Coach. I'm a man of the people but i i you know i i was trying to grow a beard back and on yeah how old were you 12 it was like like it was a couple years after the big one in new york and everyone was so like hardcore patriotic and then i think like you thought like oh this is my lane like classic rebel stuff I'll be the pro-Al Qaeda guy. I'm the youngest brother. So I have older brothers that are very pro-America, Navy SEAL types. And I always just classically rebelled against them. And they're like, we need to go.

How many bro-suffioshes do you have? Six. For reals? Yeah, and they're all like pro-America. So I was like, oh, i'll become a terrorist you're gonna be the radical black sheep of the family radical yeah wow but chill about it yeah yeah totally stoked i was just there to boost morale for you know who needs it more than all those virgins right yeah yeah dude my dumb ass i was like on board hook line and sinker so i don't

know his dad's done the audible and sending him to military school. I'm already at the Al Qaeda training camp going through drills. Then I get the satellite call from Chad who's like, dude, I love America. I got a bayonet up my ass. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. And then I'm stuck, part of like a 30-man circus, getting ready to take out a bridge. It was heavy, dude. Bro, you've been traumatized.

Did you do therapy? That was a betrayal I had to forgive. Oh, so you had to forgive him? Yeah. Well, the way he did it is he had a suicide vest. Okay. And he basically locked himself in my room, and he's like, disable this bomb or we both die together.

It was hot. Yeah. Gandolfini would have been popping. Yeah. Wow, bros. Sopranos was playing. Wow. That's some major forgiveness.

It was crazy. I'm impressed. I mean, I love my dog. Yeah. You know, he sent me into a lifestyle that I probably wouldn't have done independent of his influence. But at the same time, it's's like there's a reason i followed him and it was to teach me things and forgiveness was the biggest lesson the biggie can i be honest

i uh you know i i thought i kind of wanted to die in that moment because i was so beautiful so i cut the red wire thinking the bomb would go off. I didn't know that. But that's the one that actually disarmed it. That's actually the first I'm hearing about that. Oh, shit. Are you okay? Do you need a moment, brosh? I mean, I get it, bro. I do get it because that was a sick experience and it would have been a good way to go.

There's no perfect way to go. And that one had checked a lot of boxes. You're with the homies. There's an explosion. what other boxes are there but uh nah man like you were apologizing then you were gonna blow us up well i wanted that's like fucked bro i thought that was peak experience for us i thought we were peaking then i thought you know we could go meet the virgins and all that stuff but i was like looking in your eyes i was was like, bro, disable this. And then you were trying to do the opposite, you know?

Yeah. That's my bad. And you guys are still best bros. We're still here. Yeah, look at that. Yeah. That's forgiveness on a platter right there. When you go through stuff like that, too, when you've been through combat together,

you're bonded in a different way. Combat in his apartment yeah wow that's tight stakes are high because we could have killed like our family yeah my family what about a lady have you ever had to forgive a lady uh doing you done done you wrong done doing you wrong yeah yeah i dated a here we go this one girl i won't use her real name madison square and uh garden she uh uh She's a fat big girl, right? She's big.

Yeah. She's big, but I like that. Yeah. She used to put her boobs on my face and just smother me, and I felt so safe. So what happened, bro? Sometimes I would go into his room, and it'd just be her, and he was underneath her. Oh, God. I like to get buried, just smothered.

Well, so what happened is we're dating. We're in junior college together. And I was going out for the football team. And I was a bit undersized and not the quickest. But I'd been training pretty hard for it. And she had more natural athletic ability than me. But I asked her. And she was like a four-sport athlete.

Every season she had something going on. Fall, winter, whatever. And then I asked her not to play Even though she wanted to And then she ended up going out for the team And she took my spot I got cut And then she was starting at Sam Linebacker

At the start of the season She ended up playing in college So people are going to be able to find her She's in the XFL now She's in the XFL, yeah. Oh, that's the girls lingerie league? Oh, that one's good. No, she's in the XFL with the fellas.

Oh, she's with the guys. They wouldn't let her in the lingerie league. Yeah. And you found it in your heart to forgive her? You know, that's the hard part. That's why I was like, do you want to talk about this? Because I haven't forgiven her yet. Every time I see her on ES espn just sacking the quarterback and she does her celebration the num num where she eats the ball

and uh i don't know every time i see it it's like she's eating my heart it's like that that same wound gets ripped open dude how do you forgive someone for that i i look i'm not an expert but i think you might need like some therapy i don't know if you're willing to lay down on a couch and spill your heart to i don't believe in therapy anymore because first therapist i want you to talk about it gp those are his initials right when i bring her up he's like oh my god Madison she's incredible like she's so quick off the edge like she can drop back into coverage so he was a fan yeah she can drop the hit stick on anybody like you can't go over the middle on Madison she'll

num num you and I was like bro not the num num cause I you know oh the dirty num num well she num num do you in front of your you know your parents anniversary she used to tackle me. It was fun.

It was cute. We'd just be at parties, and she would just come up and blindside me and then do the num-num celebration on me. Yeah, it was cool. Dating a girl who could tackle like that, who had that kind of fast twitch muscle and that kind of awareness of the play, even when we weren't playing, I did find that erotic.

And so when we were at family functions, hers or mine, she would just come lay the truck on me dude and i don't care even if i saw her coming i tried to juke but she had great like she'd break it down and there was nowhere for me to go head was always on the right side of the tackle and she put me on the ground she ever like look i'm with you bro good tackle is a good tackle but that's a violent thing. Did she ever, like, hurt you, like break something or snap something? I tried to tell her that, like, I thought a couple of my ribs got cracked

or maybe a concussion, and she just said, like, your bell's rung. You know, you're just being soft. Like, this is the problem in our relationship is that you cry every time I tackle you. Every time she concusses you she thinks you're a wimp yeah it was like my fault for not taking the hit right classic he had internal bleeding he almost died oh my god did you lose the child it wasn't even from a hit it was just from the hurt oh wow that's the worst kind yeah you go ahead did you know your heart can lose the will to beat excuse

you your heart can lose the will to beat yeah thank you I think that that's a rhythmic song or it's Gloria Estevan I think Gloria Gloria Estevan Your heart can lose the will to beat Your heart can lose the will to beat And the drums are a heartbeat Walking down Fifth Avenue I see sacks I'm not going in Because I will see my ex Robert and if I see him he cheated on me with Vivica my heart will lose the will to beat heart will lose the will to beat heart will lose the beat

vamos wow you're interesting that way where you've never forgiven a woman yeah well there's there's a woman out there who did me so wrong that uh i don't think she deserves to be forgiven and that's's why I don't really like women anymore. I don't like men. I don't like people in general. You were awarded the Medal of Honor by Biden last week. And you showed us your purple hearts right before we came in here. Let me correct you.

It wasn't the Medal of Honor. It was the Medal of Hon-whore. And this comes from my reality show Undercover Whore So instead of a Peabody or Golden Globus I got the Medal of Hanwhor Wow Yeah Because you know the show's been killing it in the ratings

But so when you're writing it Are you writing it thinking of those awards Or are you just writing what's true to your heart, which is you like to be a whore. You like to be out on the streets. Out on the streets. Black miniskirt. You like to mix it up with regular people. Regular folk.

Truck stop folk. You like to fuck them. You like to suck them. I'll fuck them. I'll roll them across the 18th green on a golf course. You love splatter. With the morning dew. Yeah.

And so you're writing. That's just what you're writing. You're not thinking that one day Biden's going to be saying, hey, that was a huge, tremendous course with the morning dew yeah and so you're writing that's just what you're writing you're not thinking that one day biden's going to be saying hey that was a huge tremendous gift wow i would have thought i would have got an emmy for undercover whore before i got the the medal of on whore from from biden how many no's did you get on undercover whore before you got the green light i got a lot because unfortunately uh the person that was in charge of green lighting it was um this is a tough one to talk about was gumby's dog nopey and every single time i submitted this idea it was like no no have you ever seen gumby

is that a disney property no gumby the little green gumby and pokey sure i was just talking about the ip um yeah no i'm familiar i've watched right so gumby's dog was called nopey and instead of barking he just goes no no so i would hand this fucking thing in over and over you know who wants to be a whore or whatever the show's called. What was it called? Well, originally it was who wants to be a millionaire spinoff. Oh, undercover whore. It was who wants to be a whore. Yeah.

And you had to answer questions. Right. That only a whore would know. Yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, it's been a long journey. We just died. And you don't go into it expecting accolades. You don't expect it.

You don't go into it expecting accolades. You don't expect it. You don't go into this type of work expecting awards, praise. You just go in it because you're an artist. Do you feel the pressure now? Do you suck guys differently? Do you fuck guys differently? Do you feel like you're not in it as much? You're not present?

You're thinking about i i got war out after season three and we had to bring in someone else so i'm behind the scenes now she is directing writing producing and we have a new street whore doing the thing. You've changed. Well, yes. I just, when you were first pitching this show, you were so down to earth. And now, you know, all these bigwigs are telling you you're the best at blowing people. And I just, I can't. Was, was.

John Stamos is now under cover whore. That's going to be amazing. From Facts of Life or whatever his show was. Full, full, full whore. Full house. Right. What's the fresh whore of Bel-Air? The fresh whore of Bel-Air.

Golden whores. Whore matters. Whore matters. Lucille whore. Lucille whore. Boy meets whore. Charlie's whores. Rose whores.

Rose whore. All in the whore. Sign whore. Sign whore. Charlie's Whores. Rose Whores. Rose Whore. All in the Whore. Sign Whore. Sign Whore. What a show. Everybody loves Whores. Everyone loves Whore. Whore Improvement.

The Whore Sis. CSI Whore. Yeah. It's a good one. Succession with Whores. American Whore Story. Hey. Unbelievable.

Should we answer some questions? Yeah wow okay what's uh is john stamos's name the the uh is it john the john johns john's john yeah his his his show name is Pimple Whore. Oh, God, what do we got? Questions? Yeah. What's up, Big Dogs of Stokes? So my now wife and I have been banging on parents' beds since the dawn of our relationship, and I don't know why. It started with hooking up in our friend's parents' bed in high school.

We'd go to a mutual friend's house and always end up fooling around in the bed of our buddy's parents when they stepped away. Eventually, as we started visiting each other's parents bed in high school we go to a mutual friend's house and always end up fooling around in the bed of our buddy's parents when they stepped away eventually as we started visiting each other's parents we'd make a point to sneak away and hook up in a parent or family member's bed if we could find an open room now that we were married we end up making sweet coital memories in our own bed every time either of our parents come to visit it's never created any problems but i worry it may someday do you think it's an issue an issue we bump uglies in the presence of parents, or are we good? I think that's awesome.

I think it's hard to keep the spark alive. And so you guys having a little mischief that's shared is wonderful. So I would keep it going as long as you can. And I actually think anytime you have company, there's something about having other people in the house it raises the collective horniness and so don't judge yourself just bang away even if it's your especially if it's my folks because they stress me out and that's how I cope so they're having sex while there's other people in the house right they're worried about that and then they're also

thinking are we weirdos because we like to bang in other people's beds wow and you say it's totally kosh i like it yeah have you done it i don't power slammed while your folks were through the drywall yeah wow did they hear uh never stopped to ask. Wow. I can only imagine laying in your bed, your silly posturpedic. You're just about to go off into dreamland, the sandman standing over your bed, sprinkling fine silt in your eyes, and all of a sudden you hear his puffed up

fucking Golden Globus Award ass cheek slamming against the drywall. My old roommate Joe says I'm loud. He says I'm louder than the girl. Really? You a moaner? Yeah. It's guttural. Wow.

Holy wombat. Well, someone's's gotta make some noise The girl's always so friggin quiet You have a quiet gal? No not my current Partner who I adore I dated a She was a mime

Oh yeah Those are hard to make Those are hard to get going I mean I I heard him one time and i thought he was watching greece in the room it sounded like olivia newton john just belting one and joe was like no that's just jt having sex it's you know with a mime yeah yeah well you don't really talented i mean i've seen mimes that they just go like this they don't actually well that was the thing too we never actually had sex we just right you mimed

we pantomimed it yeah so i would just be on the bed like gesticulating yeah with my testicles and i'd be like like that yeah and uh yeah they love it when you eat a fake apple. It really gets them wet. Mime. What do you think about it? Have you had sex when your parents are around? Well, if you want to have sex up in the graveyard, yes. I have pounded a few girls.

My parents' graves are side by side, and there's a nice little spot in the middle with some nice fresh green grass, and I'll make the ground rock so hard the worms will come up and throw frisbees at my face. Wow. Yeah. Do you make noise?

I do, yeah. Before your parents died, did you have sex with them in the house i did but it didn't lie they threw me out at the time i was in training to be uh have you ever seen the ricolo commercials so i was up for those commercials as the ricolo guy and i you know i'm a method guy i think you guys know that about me and so when I would achieve with my girl you know I'm back in my head I'm always rehearsing I'm always going for the role so when I would achieve like

we call and you know three nights of that and I was out on the street. That's where I got the idea for Undercover Whore. Just walking the streets. My parents, you'd think they'd, and I'm getting emotional here, you'd think they'd respect my commitment to want to get a role, to become the Ricolo spokesperson, and they could watch TV with their friends, with other family members, be watching a football game, be watching a movie, a commercial comes on.

And there's their boy, their son, silhouetted against the sky on the side of the Alps. Just. Now, tell me I didn't deserve that fucking part. You fucking sorry fucking crab-picking underwater whore crunchers. And I mean both of you when I say that. Oh, you're referring to us? Both of you. I didn't have any call in it. No, I just, sorry, I got impassioned.

But imagine, if you will, your family's gathered for the Super Bowl, let's say. All the talk of the Super Bowl is the commercials. Who doesn't love the commercials? Maybe that's why we even watch the Super Bowl, right, guys? You're gathered with your friends, your high school buddies, your college buddies. Commercial, let's say, 12 comes on just after the first quarter and your father with a tear in his eye turns to all his buddies 30 or 40 of them and just looks at them and goes as proud as can be he goes that's my my little little

so your dad was pretty progressive well i think he had actually uh i think he had geico or might have had aflac i don't think he had progressiveico or might have had Aflac. I don't think he had progressive. But like politically, for him to adjust to like your pronouns. Well, he just respected me on that level, but not as an actor. That must have been hard. So he wasn't a fan of your journey. He was just a fan of the destination. Whoa.

Well, now I think maybe someone's being condescending. And there's only one way out. And I'm going to ask you to, if you wouldn't mind, we could do this similar to the way people join hands in a seance. I would invite you to, on my journey, and join me in a Ricolo blast. Yeah, I don't give a shit. Let's go. Well, you got to have your hands free.

So on three, one. Wait, what's the noise again? It's. Okay. But wait till I, please. I'm the actor. You're not. I'm an actor.

Well, let's not push it what one two three wow you feel that yeah that was something special there aaron did you do it along with this damn one more then Whores And I threw That just was a That's a new commercial

That's the perfect button Yeah that's I was kind of promoting my show That's what makes you an actor Thank you You got that thing Thank you Fuck

You know where there's space for the tag Right A little promo for undercover whore. That's crazy. That's skill that develops. You're a throat lozenge yodeler, and you segue that into a street whore reality show guy. The range is insane. It's what I do.

You're all time. For my dad and my mom to throw me out of the house while I'm having sessile intercourse with my gal through the drywall. And when I have my moment and I recolo yodel, let's just say, Shee-hee-hee-hee isn't happy. I won't think I threw my... Not only do you plow through the drywall, sometimes you get thrown through the drywall. Yeah, sometimes you'll crack right on through. As Jim Morrison said, break on through to the other side.

And boy, I did on many a night. One time my dad was having a nightmare. He told me when he woke up, he had a nightmare that he was a taxidermist. And one night my head crashed right through the dry wall and was just stick just my head and he thought i was a water buffalo and he roundhoused me right in the face i had about three months of severe dental uh surgery that's to realign my job his foot that high with that kind of when you're asleep and you're having night terrors you'll swing around like a dirty ballerina with a hairy crotch

at an all-you-can-eat shrimp peeling festival. Yeah, you're not putting limitations on yourself. Not my old man. Do you guys want to do another cue? Oh, sorry. I feel like I commandeered the time. I apologize. I think you gave him plenty to chew on and to suck on, too.

Ricola. Ricola. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Chad, JT, I love the podcast. I'm a 30-year-old looking for love.

I get a lot of first dates. I'm a decent-looking guy and can always come up with a creative, funny line on Hinge. But the problem is I don't get a lot of second dates.

I'm a soft-spoken, sensitive guy and sometimes get compared to Michael Cera. This is not the vibe women love. My question is, how do I become the daring, adventurous, strong, interesting man that gets women excited? I know what you're going to say. Just be yourself.

Spend some time with your bros. Find some cool hobbies. Have fun. But that's not the answer I'm looking for. I want a pep talk. The kind of motivational speech that would make David Goggins crap his pants. That is all. I wasn't going to say that, actually.

I have said that, and I don't think that's the solution. I think you need to do something daring and exciting, something that can carry the conversation when you're being gentle, that's so powerful in its nature that it doesn't need any oomph from the voice. I think you should go to Poland and go to the refugee camps for the people from Ukraine and volunteer for a couple weeks. You can fly to Poland. And I'll tell you this too, brother.

You think you could do that any time? You can't. I got two kids on the way. I can't just fly to Ukraine now to shoot stuff. I got responsibilities. I mean, I could, but not right now, not this moment. And seeing that, those options dwindlele it makes me wish i would have gone somewhere with just immense immense humanity and experience that so go baby go for a couple

weeks come home you'll be that guy those dates will hum wow it's heavy nice i question i challenge what you just said out of with all respect let's make it a discourse baby because what you offered to this guy was to go somewhere for two weeks and change the energy, try and find... You should go for longer. Well, I challenge you even... Aren't you just born with it? If you're born and you act and look

and behave like Michael Cera, is it something you can eradicate? I don't think so. It's a good question. It's called your personality. I think if you rewire it, you can eradicate? I don't think so. It's a good question. It's called your personality. I think if you rewire it, you become a fraud. So my advice to this guy is find something in you that's already there, a passion, and just immerse yourself in it and do what you do.

And there are going to be women out there who find what you do attractive. Are we sure? There's always somebody for somebody. There's a lid for every jar. Right. Head. If you're in the Marines, you get laid. Yeah.

So my point is, if you try to adjust and put on a facade and try to be mr excitement and mr personality how long can you hold that up it's like it's like when women wear spanks right they look great under the you know they're wearing a dress they looked in but when you get home and you pull the spanks off and it's a cellulite parade. Yeah, it flops out there. And it smells like a ferret just went piss in a cupcake. Yeah. The illusion's over. That's crazy.

So you got to be you. You just got to be the best you. I think what's lacking here now that we're talking out loud, except for you, you haven't said a word. I think what's lacking here now that we're talking out loud except for you you haven't said a word uh i think what's lacking is confidence when you have confidence in anything you do whether you're flipping pancakes or driving a truck that's where that mojo comes easy for you to say you've done two tours and now yeah and i think actually if i'm being cynical there's a part of me that thinks you don't want to give him the keys to the kingdom because you're thinking more for me and my fiefdom.

Bingo. Bingo, granny. Under the eye, insulin. Bingo. You're hogging it, dude. Let that loser sit at home and play with his magic pinky. I'll be out thunder plowing the ladies at truck stop 46 on i-29 right behind

sparky's donuts you glaze the donuts glaze it deep and french cooler it weep yeah you're a big fan of glaze yeah you like the glaze i have a glazed ham tramp stamp on my back. I saw that. Yeah. Is that where your John's? You tell him to aim on that? Tell him it's Thanksgiving dinner? Well, maybe. I'm not going to give away all my stories.

Excuse me. Sorry. So what we're saying is this guy should become a whore. No. No, I'm saying this guy should find his inner mojo and stop chasing. He's not happy with who he is. He's looking for something else. He wants to do something. I think that's okay, right?

We should foster that in people. I think we maybe too often tell people just be yourself. I'm like, well, maybe go for it. No, I agree. I think you should do things, but don't think that by, you often tell people just just be yourself i'm like well maybe maybe go for it no i i agree i think you should do things but don't think that by let's say you go on safari in africa and chase a lion or you you you hang glide off a cliff all good options that that that's a moment but it doesn't create your personality it doesn't define you no you got to be okay sitting still with yourself but i do think those moments are more than a moment they carry and i think that you string enough of those

moments together something in you happens and all of a sudden does it you're michael sarah but you're michael sarah with some peptides have you ever seen someone's instagram post where it's a it's a collage of their life and one minute they're riding a horse and then they're driving a land rover through africa and then they're rock climbing and then they're snorkeling but that's it all looks great but i'm not talking about the bs stuff i'm not talking about like exciting vacations i'm talking about like putting yourself into situations that are greater than yourself. Like give me an example. I'm struggling here.

Like helping out the refugees, going on tour with the Fugees. I'm talking about the in-betweens. So putting others ahead of your needs. In a cool way. Okay. Those are all the options I could think of. Yeah. Because I was considering both.

Isn't it funny all the options we've come up with and yet someone at this table remains silent. Yeah, what do you think? It's like he hates people. That's true. So what I'm gathering is that... Oh, that's heavy. So what you gathering is that oh that's heavy he delivered it lightly though

what you're saying is put yourself in uncomfortable situations you go do stuff and what you're saying is be comfortable with yourself well be yourself invest in your passion okay go volunteer for an F1 team

and help out on the cruise in the pit stops i think uh i think it's a combo of both maybe i think i think it's follow your joy you know just follow whatever makes you happy and then just say and also just say yes to life whatever comes at you accept it like all right i'm doing that now all right i'm doing this but there's also something to be said for taking massive action yeah he doesn't have to go like to a war but he you know volunteer to be a butcher's apprentice learn how to break down a pig or a cow get out in the world i i have found when it's if

i isolate at home and then i actually go out into the world i learned something i would have never learned and that's something that i'll always dread it and i'll be like i don't even want to go out and then you go out and then you're like wow i took away so much from that experience when you look in someone's eyes you want to you want to know they've lived they've seen some stuff yeah one time i was on I-65 and I went to this donut shop. And I was just going to get a glazed donut. And I actually found a glory hole. That's what I'm saying.

And I just rammed this guy all the way to, you know, right into the Mojave. Perfect. Yeah. Look, you know we're casting right now for undercover whore right because what you just said i think you might be you're not gonna be a whore i mean stamos's contract ends this season and he's long in the tooth. Yeah, if you want to street walk, do you have a black leather miniskirt or anything? I've got four. Are you cereal?

Yeah, I've got four. I do yoga. I think we might have found our new undercover whore. Yeah, I drink maca powder. Welcome to whore town, skank. Well, let's not. Whores don't squid? Well, i don't know what that was it felt like this was an old lady's tit and you were a pervert did you see that well said i mean show

them old tit pervert and now he's squeezing it and out comes the powdered milk wow yeah squid games right in your face should we hop to the next part yeah oh wow chad what's your beef of the week my beef of the week is a nice polish sausage oh wow wait isn't that pork? Yeah. Okay. But I was just thinking, you know what? Yeah, you're right. But I was just thinking of meat, just all encompassed. Meat, okay, yeah. Not beef, just meat.

Yeah, because I've done every type of beef. But now I'm on the Polish sausage, and I'm just craving hot dogs. I'm craving mustard. I'm craving relish. I'm craving hot peppers. I'm craving mustard. I'm craving relish. I'm craving hot peppers. I'm craving a tomato on there. A lot of tubular meats. I like tubular meats.

Welcome to Undercover Horror. You're on your way. Thanks. It started. Wait, are you for real right now? I'm just saying it. As soon as we kind of offered you the gig, your mind's focusing on.

That's all I can think of. And it goes back to what I was saying about being method. Yeah. So something in you. Well, you know what's weird is I just went from wanting kettle chips to Pringles. Right. Yeah. Yeah. My beef of the week is just people who are obsessed with calling other people pedophiles

it is gone just people are just ready to pull the trigger and shoot that shot on anybody and i think we just need a little more basis like i'm i'm looking at a tom hanks post on some entertainment aggregator on ig and he's saying he's been in some bad movies it's not even circling around any of that dark stuff all the comments are he's a pedo he's on the epstein logs pedo tom i used to look all the comments are saying this just regular tom dick and and Harry's from around the country just throwing a huge accusation at, I think, the ultimate America's sweetheart. You know what I mean? And so I go in, I'm like, where are y'all hearing this? No one answers.

I do a goog. Top four things say he's not on the logs. I go, I don't know what's going on, but the available info says he wasn't on those flight logs. And then some guy goes, top, top search results. How naive. Picking on me, like on where I got my info from. I go, I go, okay, where'd you get your info?

He writes brain, his brain. That's, I guess, I mean, maybe he's being like a little bit humorous, but he didn't give me anything else. He didn't give me any source i could go look at i'm like dudes you might need some sources if we're gonna start you know calling people like tom hanks the worst thing imaginable just you know real willy-nilly about it and just like oh yeah he's a pedophile like i'm like come on like what are we doing here what are we doing why are we talking about it all the time? And then look, I know some people are on those logs and some big important people are on there. Some people I really liked have been on those logs.

But that's a different thing. Don't just start adding people because it's exciting. Tom X has been through enough. Yeah, where did that even come from? Where did that whole thing percolate from? For me or for in general for him for tom cruise because i've seen stuff like that too where they say he's a pedo but where did that generate from i don't know people just like to say it like if you're just they just assume anyone

who's in any position of fame or success must be doing that and look i'm not even saying they might know someone who's done it but they probably don't talk about that. You think a pedo's just going to come up to Tom Hanks and be like, hey, I'm a pedo? Tom Hanks is the last person you'd tell that to. He talked to him about other stuff, like jazz, or typewriters. And then people just like to say it.

They just say, oh, this person's doing well. They seem like a nice person. I bet you they're the darkest thing imaginable. And look, I got a cynical heart, but I'm not going to start calling Tom hanks that but why him in particular i mean there's a lot of rich and famous people why why did they single him out was there some sort of even a foggy incident that might have sparked this weird rumor or i don't know like i don't have all the available information i'm just shooting from the hip saying he's not the thing that other people are saying.

I should have more research holstered for this. I think the reason they picked Tom Hanks is because he's the last person you would expect. So if you're creating an internet rumor, what's like the most insane person you could pick? Tom Hanks. I also think if Tom Hanks was doing that, Chet would have told us by now. Who? His son, Chet. Chet Hanks was doing that, Chet would have told us by now. Who? His son, Chet. Chet Hanks.

Yeah. How old is he? Like 30. Okay. For all his whatever public negatives are, that guy says what he thinks. And I don't think he'd protect his old man. Wow. Heavy stuff, Brosh. I'm sorry'm sorry no it's great had to get it out you don't want to carry that around i just love tom hanks big huge the movie big oh right the one uh forrest gump yeah it was gigantic no he did a movie called big

no he's done a lot of big movies right but one of them was actually big no like most of them are big he's been in like yeah but did you see the big one yeah apollo 13 man called auto no big that was underrated yeah i'm talking about the big one uh oh oh yeah the one where he's in junior college or whatever he directed that one no no if this movie was really of the terminal no this was before that that the big accent was on point in that it was before the turn was even before Forrest Gump the big movie the first Toy Story no that was Story. No, that was after.

Philadelphia. Oh. No, that was the AIDS movie. Yes. It was the big before AIDS. Big AIDS Toy Story. Sleepy since yet. No, Big AIDS Gump Toy Story. I thought you were describing the movie.

That's why I thought Sleepy since yet. We don't know anything from, like you talking about something from the 80s? He did a movie, and it was big. Yeah, most of them are. He's a huge movie star. Yeah, no, he's the biggest movie star. Guys. There was a movie in the 80s, 1980s.

I don't know how old you are. Tom Hanks was in big. Yeah, he was in big with the agents, and some people think he was in big with pedophile rings and stuff, and that's what I'm fighting against. How do I word this? There was a movie, and it was big. Tom Hanks played a guy in this big movie. It was big. Tom Hanks played a guy in this big movie.

What? It was big. What happens in this thing you're talking about? So he wishes he was bigger than he already is. And so he gets big and does a movie and it's big. So he's like a kid in the movie? He's a grown kid who's big. That sounds like some pedophile stuff.

Well, wait a minute. Yeah, he's a boy who gets big, and the movie Big was really big, by the way. When the kid gets big, does he have sex with anyone or get romantic with anyone there's a scene in the movie and i'm not saying there's a scene in the movie where there's a bunk bed and tom hanks is in the bunk bed he's in the bunk bed in big he there's a boy I think he's 14 who's inside of Tom Hanks? yeah he's inside of Tom

and he's big that's where the pedo stuff comes from he did it probably he's a 14 year old kid inside of him oh my god this is big the kid wasn't Wade Robson was he?

Wade them oh my god this is big the kid wasn't wade robson was he wade what he's in a fountain what do you mean this guy wade in a fountain yeah or on a lake tom hanks was waiting molested wade robson in a fountain in movie. In a bunk bed. But, I mean, in the 80s they were going for realism. This was in Big? This is Big. This could be huge. I mean, I'm kind of doing a full 180 here. I think they talked about a huge sequel. Where? On an island?

No. There was Big, and then they were talking about a huge sequel who's the financier uh i guess paramount they're in bed with him he's a pedo euphemistically and maybe literally isn't that funny how you answered your own question it only took half an hour but somehow you question it only took half an hour but somehow you found the answer well you know that's no small feat the journey to truth is uneven and long but worthwhile you know who said that the pedophile your principal gordy wow this this whole show's been sort of like a full circle. I'm big on that. Me too.

Do you have a beef of the week? Jinx. You touched on it with the pedo thing. And my beef of the week, and it actually involves some meats, I don't like when we finally do catch a real pedo okay the tom hanks pedo thing is hyperbole okay we don't know it's hearsay it's rumor but there is a true pedo and his name's what geppetto well close jared pedo from subway maybe that's the latin pronunciation geppetto but jared pedo from subway now here's my beef this guy gets caught being a pedo back to what you said where does he go he goes to a prison in United States, the prisons are almost like rolling hotels.

Three meals a day, television, little buddies, orange clothing. Okay? So where's the real punishment? He's got a roof over his head. He can have visitors. So what do we do to make life miserable for Jared Petto? Here's what I did. I took it upon myself to go up and visit him.

They have the little booth with the glass in between. Jared from Subway, what does he like? He likes boys, he likes flesh, and he loves lunch meats. So I, in order to punish him because I think he's got it too good and here's where my beef plays in, I go up for a friendly visit. Oh hello and as we're chatting I slowly take my shirt off, present flesh to the pedo and reach under the table and I brought this in my bag fresh cold cuts bologna ham spice loaf american cheese salami I'm dressing myself like a No. 2 cold cut combo. Here's Petto, Jared Petto, looking through the glass.

And now he's paying for his crimes. Because I am tormenting this child-loving freak. Like a hummingbird sucking pus out of an acne-riddled child on the side of a grease wagon and he's i'm just slapping the meat i'm looking like a human cold cut subway number two and he's just drooling and he can't get to it he's clawing through that bulletproof plexiglass and his mouth is on it like a goldfish sucking algae off the side of an aquarium and made him pay so yes I had a beef but I did something about it that's what makes you a dynamic man thank you thank you for asking good on you Chad who's your baby the week your babe of the week? My babe of the week is Abraham Lincoln.

You know, I was driving here and I saw Lincoln Square in Burbank. And Abraham, he's just the guy. He's the guy. I agree. You know, not only that, he's like, I think he's the first fashionable agree you know not only that he's like i think he's the first fashionable president top hat top hat neared good speeches was hip enough to be the first assassinated yeah i mean look at all the others that followed. Yeah. You know, he did it first. Yeah. I've heard, you know, there's tales that his ghost haunts the Ford Theater and the White House. That's right.

And, yeah, he'll tell people, he'll say, you better not die here. This is my spot. That's what you call a caring ghost. Yeah. I got a funny story if you'll indulge me. Hit me with it. As you know,incoln's one of the four presidents up on mount rushmore we got lincoln we got reagan we got carter and obama

and i don't know if you've ever done a taco bell grand taco bell drive-thru in the middle of the night like you ever just get the munchies and go through a Taco Bell drive-thru and get like nachos bel grande and cordas coalicio and nachos she's gone crying girl I don't speak Spanish persepias there you go so I loaded up I was up there in Mount Rushmore country I think it's in South Dakota it It's probably two in the morning. One of those still nights where the moon's full, a million stars in the sky.

You can hear the crickets singing. You can hear the owls hooing. I probably slam four nacho belgrandes and like five hard tacos, onions, sour cream, just crank, power cranking it, it right i get my climbing kit out right and it's building this stuff's building inside get on to rushmore it's closed it's two in the morning

lasso fucking lincoln's mole now i got my climbing hooks on that fucker Cindy Crawford. Hand over hand, right? Get up in his fucking giant nostril, okay? This thing's 78 feet across and 28 feet back to front. I get right up in the top of this guy's nostril, essentially a giant cave. Pull down the climbing Lululemons just count to three and just like cranked right all over it well just it's it's the acoustics because now you're up you're up lincoln's left nostril you're letting the thunder roll. And the fucking bats that flew out of there, a fucking bald eagle, didn't even fly, dropped,

like hit the rocks below. They found it dead. I could have been charged. Yeah. But just the acoustics. I mean, this is the type of nostril the Boston Orchestra would want to play. Wow. And I'm in there blasting a Taco Bell Grande Thunder Crumbler at 2 in the morning.

The cricket stopped. I saw some lights go out in the village below for about three minutes, come back on. But just the acoustics. And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to commandeer your story, but to let that story go without saying it. And then I climb out. I'm already on a peak. what does the actor in me do climb down back at the motel six before the sun comes up cuddled up in my snot and cracker crusted sheets out like a baby with spinal bifida.

I didn't know you were a blastician. When you're in someone's nostril, a president's nostril, you're going to let it pop, guy. Life's a parade. Get a kettle drum and bang it. Yeah. Do you have narcolepsy? No. Because you just hit a big wall.

Look at your face. I'm hungover. I've been playing hurt the whole time. You't even know no this is different your your face actually metamorphosized well i'm a good actor no you're like it it's just just sagged it's like it melted there you go now it's coming back a little like i'm not i'm not trying to wake it up yeah you were you're you just you just dropped put me on put me in no it's back now but there was about three my whole abraham lincoln story you were on another dimension well i'm a huge lincoln guy and you defecating in his nostril well i didn't defecate. I did a Kenny G F sharp.

Oh, I thought you were shitting. No, it was a fart. The acoustic. Oh, okay. You saw me go. I thought that was shit. No, you don't shit up a president's nose. What are you, an animal?

All right, well, then we're on the same page. We're no longer a team of rivals. We're brothers. Okay. But you really checked out on me, guy. No, come on. on well i saw your face it just sagged like it was like a melting candle on the edge of ario speed wagon summer home i had a beer and a half last night well maybe should have had the other half and not even come

in i poured it out for my dead homie abraham lincoln sorry i didn't mean to commandeer your story, bro. No, it was way better than my head. I've wasted, I've poured, not wasted, sorry, I've honored 80 beers over my life for Abraham Lincoln. Are you serial? You know why 80? Why?

It's how many lines there are in the Gettysburg Address. Four score and 50 years ago. Oh man. You're right. Wow. I didn't even realize that. Great. Great. What was that?

What was that? What? Is that a kiss bro because uh i think i made it clear daddy doesn't party on fun fun street daddy daddy said some things along those lines but look when i'm doing little buddy boy was reading underneath and seeing some subtext that might need a little dom sub action. I'm an actor, okay? All the stuff I did on Undercover Whore, it's acting. But what made you choose that part? You wanted to do it. I am an actor.

I'm a writer. I'm creative. I just wanted it. But you keep, every time we talk, the next part you want is something that does that. Well, all I'm saying is it's acting. And for you to sit there and blow me kisses like a koi fish with epilepsy, I'm not going to respond to that. Did you see him or is it?

That sounds like dirty talk to me. That's not how it's kissing. Well. My baby of the week, Amy Winehouse. Oh, wow. One of the best singers of all time you think absolutely why well it's the vocal range and then it's the emotion that she can put into each line too and when you got that combo it's rare and it needs to be celebrated so i was listening to something off like her first major album and you know it's a little slow and i want more chorus

but that's the thing, too. She's an artist. She doesn't just give you the hits. She really has to do it the way she wants to do it. Everything she does, I'm like, that's an artist. That's an artist. She just exudes authenticity, or did, rather. I agree.

She's real. She's real. And in a world of stars created in boardrooms, and a world of stars who all come out especially the women and do these crazy choreographed dances that they never should be doing because they're made up by a dance person amy would just come out and stand there and belt it out and her biggest dance move was just to roll her shoulders or bob her head. She was real. She gave you truth.

She gave you her truth. And the music that came out of her and the tone and the passion, it was all authentic. It was organic. It wasn't contrived. I agree with you 100%. Full circle. Full circle. Full circle.

Who's your babe of the week? My babe of the week. Wow. Really tight question. Really tight. I think I'm going to go with Dionne Warwick. Oh. Because she asked an important question once.

She asked, do you know the way to San Jose? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And my middle name is ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I'm Greek. And whenever I heard that song, do you know the way to San Jose? Ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba. She was talking to me.

And when I showed up at her house in the middle of the night and told her, showed her on my phone, I had Google Maps up, I would have thought she would have respected that a lot more before the police got there. But that's okay. She's still always going to be my babe because sometimes you think they're talking to you. I know. When she was scared in the corner calling the cops, she was saying a little prayer. And I'm outside the window.

I know the way to San Jose. And she'd yell back, do you know the way? And I go, yes, I know the way to San Jose. And then eventually the night got long. She goes, get the fuck off my lawn, Night Stalker. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Well, she got, you know, eventually she got really kind of mean about it. She's a psychic, too.

Oh, yeah, she's a psychic. She should have known I was coming that's on her that's on her now that i think about it when you when you rang the doorbell and she opened it you said it's me yeah oh that's it i used my first name instead of my middle name, I should have said, hey, it's but I was like, hey, he's here. I mean, you have any Michael Jackson impersonator come to your door. You're going to call the FBI.

You're going to, I mean, full circle brosh. Got him on speed dial. I think that's what happened. I think you need to go back. Well, she's dead now Oh crap You know how Jay Edgar got that last name? Hoovered those beers Yeah

Are you serious? I thought because he got killed by a vacuum cleaner Wasn't he run over by a Hoover? That is crazy coincidental Huh Sometimes life just puts the exclamation point on it for you Yeah Chad who's your legend of the week oh wow we're almost there my legend of the week is it's lube nice which is fitting for

you know to be in the presence of a horse such as yourself thank you um and i mean lube not just physically but also metaphorically you know sometimes physically you need to lube up so you can get in there you need to lube up the doorknob the hinges your cock um that's true we only talk about lube for wieners yeah no i'm the lube is everywhere i'm talking WD 40 and everything's better when it's lubed everything you want it if your life is lubed it's smooth yeah you're smooth riding you're like a snow otter exactly just going right down that hill in life exactly later dudes and so physical little bit alsoube but also metaphorical lube.

You want to slide down that hill. Yeah. You want to slide up the hill. Antigravity. Jiffy lube. I went there last week. $60. Can you believe it?

For an oil change? For a lube. And they put you on that hydraulic lift and you're up in the air for it. I thought you charged $300 for your horror services. No, this was them. Jiffy Lube, the place. Oh. Yeah.

I thought they put you up on a lift. They set their own prices. They have the hydraulic lift. They'll send you up there. Oh, I thought they put you on a lift. They did. Yeah. But it's only $60.

Oh, okay. It's their prices, not mine. And you sit on it. They did. Yeah. But it's only 60. Oh, okay. Their price is not mine. And you sit on it? You lay on it. They change your fluids. In a jiffy, I mean, who can calibrate what a jiffy is? There's minutes, there's seconds, there's hours. Who knows exactly what a jiffy is?

Maybe the elves in the forest yeah they have a good time they probably do things in a jiffy they're little curly shoes yeah do you know if you smoke DMT you meet the elves and they explain that time is oh it's not even really a thing it's not that's why they know it so well because they just make it up so they may be made up jiffy yeah the elves jiffy who say what now i don't know see whoville exactly whoville whoville my legend of the week yeah bob hoskins great actor passed away about a decade ago I watched him a little short in this this movie called Paris at them and dude the way the guy can bring gruff like attitude and like kind of a real

masculinity of stuff. Cause you, you feel it. You're like, he's not big dude, but you're like, this guy's got like a, a,

a force to him, a weight to him. Like he's, he's a man, but he's so sincere and gentle on top of it. And that's what I really love about it is you, you can feel, uh,

how loving he is and everything he does. I agree. Passionate actor. actor yeah that's what it was it's the passion he was in roger rabbit yeah are you in roger rabbit no i wish who's your legend of the week sharday. Without even taking a breath, Sade. Chet, what's your quote of the week? Oh. My quote of the week is Well, there's one thing

you said earlier that I can't remember. It's something about... I think I might know what it was. Can you sense it? Can you sense it? Am I right? Yeah. Reek along Am I right? Yeah.

Well, let's not grab granny's tit. Come on, guy. Creepy. My quote of the week is by Philip Roth in his book, Portnoy's Complaint. Now, look, we're guys who talk about dicks a lot. And I don't think I've ever read a better paragraph of dick talk than the one in this book. This is him describing his dad's dick.

And as for his schlong, to me, with that fingertip of a prick that my mother likes to refer to in public, once okay, but that once will last a lifetime, as my little thing. So that's his mom talking about his thing. But back to his dad. His schlong brings to mind those fire hoses coiled along the corridors at school. Schlong. The word somehow catches exactly the brutishness, the meatishness that I admire so. The sheer mindless, weighty, and unself-conscious dangle of that living piece of hose through which he passes streams of water as thick and strong as

rope, while I deliver forth slender yellow threads that my euphemistic mother calls a sis. A sis, I think, is undoubtedly what my sister makes. Little yellow threads that you can sew with. Do you want to make a nice cyst, she asked me, when I want to make a torrent. I want to make a flood. I want, like he does, to shift the tides of the toilet bowl. Is that a quote or a fucking book? That was a little long for a quote.

I'm sorry. I know, but I've been talking about it for weeks, and I really think it's going to help a lot of people. I just want to stay for the record, though. My whole thing about the dicks, as you call it, and all that stuff, I'm doing it for a work thing. I don't like that stuff. That's just undercover whore.

That's part of it. It's just an acting thing. At what point when you keep doing spinoff series, you're writing new scripts that are centered around the same stuff. It's just an acting thing. But how many, at what point when you keep, you're doing spinoff series, you're writing new scripts that are centered around the same stuff. It's okay. It's acting. But you seem to be pursuing. How many sequels did they do to Shrek?

You know. So let's just. What's your quote of the week? Well, this is, I know there's a lot of married folks that watch your show. I think the core audience for this podcast, going deep with, how do you say it? Oh, it's French? Yeah. Okay.

A lot of the audience watching Chatting is married men. And so my quote, and I'll look right into the camera, all you married men, today is the first day of the rest of your wife. Oh. day of the rest of your wife. Fuckers. It's beautiful. Is that diet? No thanks. I'm straight.

Chad, what's your phrase that we forgetting after it um oh this is what i used to say as a kid in summers i'd get fired up and i'd be like dad let's go get french fries ketchup and coke oh that's cool mcdonald's Let's go get french fries, ketchup, and Coke. That's cool. Go to McDonald's. Wow. Good old days.

Nothing better than a nice Coke and a hot... Your dad did that for you? Yeah, and he'd slap the pancakes right on my ass. God. My dad, my old man never did that. He didn't put pancakes on your ass? No, we went fast food. He always put pancakes on my ass, but he never took us for fast food. So you're lucky, old man man how often did he do that every saturday oh dude yeah i could sense it from you i think yeah yeah there's there's like a little a light has been dimmed inside of you

bingo because he didn't have mcnuggets they didn't't even have McNuggets when I was a boy. What did they have? They weren't invented yet. I'm a little bit older than you two. Not much, but a little. You know, Ray Dalio made a killing on chicken McNuggets. When he found out McDonald's was going to put that into their menu, he invested heavily in chicken seed. Did he?

Did he really? Mm-hmm. Oh, what a legend. Yeah yeah there's a book called fast food nation yeah if you made a movie out of it if you the movie's very different from the bad movies movies bad is actually doesn't follow the book at all but if you read the book fast food nation it tells the story of fast food in the united states from from when it's and from its inception right up to the book was published i think in the early 90s but basically the fast food landscape hasn't changed much since it's all the key players are in it so if you want a

fascinating read about how how mcdon McDonald's altered the poultry industry, secondly, and firstly, altered the potato industry when they introduced frozen French fries. People don't have any idea how deeply it impacted the economy of the whole country. First the potatoes, and then the McNuggets changed the whole poultry industry to the tunes of billions of dollars and how chickens were farmed and how potatoes were harvested. It's a pretty fascinating read. I'm going to read that next.

That sounds great. Yeah, it's really good. It's fascinating. That was like one that got referenced a lot when I was in my teen years, and I never read it. But I'd hear little snipp never read it but i'd hear like little snippets from it i'd be like oh that's fucked oh yeah it would hold up even today but i hear if you read it like you don't want to eat fast food afterwards like it's one of those

guys well there's yeah there's another documentary called food inc which was done in the 90s it's a documentary and it it it peels back the curtain you know it shows the slaughterhouses and the the ingredients and the additives and everything and and despite all that stuff we still line up and eat this stuff you know i first read the book and when i first saw food and because i go no never again and within a week i'm at mcdonald's you you just blur it out you know it's interesting? I care more about my dog's diet than my own. You do?

What do you give your dog to drink? Diet Coke. Are you cereal? Yeah. I'm Coke Zero. Do you give your dog tap water? No, never. What do you give your dog tap water? No, never.

What do you give it to drink? Diet Coke. For real? Yeah. When you're not giving it Diet Coke, what do you give it? What kind of water? Aquafina. Are you cereal?

Sometimes I'll do Dasani. Because here's my claim. Here's my observation dogs and cats domestic pets how often do you hear your friends say my dog has a tumor my cat has cancer my dog has cancer and then they die or you you spend $3,000 getting the tumor removed. Now, where do you ever hear that a lion or a deer or a zebra has a tumor or cancer? So what are the domestic animals doing that we're doing? Going to the vet? No, they're drinking tap water.

Oh. That's the only thing we share with them that is exactly the same. We drink tap water. They drink tap water. Wild animals don't drink tap water. Are they getting cancer and tumors? But somehow humans and domestic pets are getting cancer and tumors. I'm not saying it's fact fact but it's an interesting concept could it be

that they die from sooner like predation and and and like elements so they don't get to the point where they get cancer what wild animals yeah well i think there'd be some traces of it that's true i mean that's the saddest thing ever a little cubby lion getting like a, you know. Leukemia? Yeah. Well, they don't. That's what I'm saying. I mean, I could be wrong.

Maybe it's rampant for all I know, but I've never heard of a wild animal coming up with tumors and cancer. But how many times have you had a friend tell you their dog or their cat? Yeah, I truly, I only give her filtered water. You do? Yeah, I don't give her tap water okay well maybe your dog will live longer i've been i've been reading about this stuff because uh i went to the vet and now i there's a company just food now you just i just give her real food real food meaning like roadkill yeah like Like what do you mean real food? Well, you know, like the food you get at Ralph's, that's not real food. So what's the real food? Well, you know, there's squirrels in my backyard and I just, you know.

I don't have any weapons, but I'll just catch them and I'll just rip their heads off. And eat it. Yeah. Okay. She tries to do it, but I'm like, this is, you know i don't have any weapons but i'll just catch them and i'll just rip their heads off and eat it yeah okay she tries to do it but i'm like this is she yeah this is this is daddy's job yeah yeah it's a dog or a cat dog kind golden retriever so shouldn't you let it do it you're sort of taking work away from it if it's a retriever and you're not getting it retrieve its own food sounds like you just have a golden to me damn my phrase of the week for getting after it is from the movie searching for for bobby fisher and at the end the protagonist josh waitzkin is getting ready to throttle this pretentious douche in their chess finals and he's got the guys he the guy doesn't even know he's done dead to rights wadeskin's got him he sees the move but wadeskin although he did display a little killer instinct at his core he's a good dude and he offers his hand to his nemesis and says take the draw take the what now the draw. So we had a lisp?

He has a little lisp. Take the draw? Take the draw. The drawer. Take the draw. Were they assembling something from Ikea? No, like a tie. Oh, oh, I thought you said drawer.

No. Take the draw. Take the draw. Take the draw. The draw. What was this? Searching for Bobby Fisher. The chess player. Yes. Oh, take the draw in The draw. What was this? Searching for Bobby Fischer. The chess player.

Yes. Oh, take the draw in the chess match. Yes, sir. And who said that, Bobby or the other, the opponent? All these kids want to be Bobby Fischer. But the movie says, is that a good thing when Bobby's kind of, you know, gone off the deep end in his brain. So this kid kind of saves his own soul in the end by saying take the joie well it would make sense and it sounds like it wasn't bobby who had the speech impediment no but in real life bobby fisher had all his teeth extracted he had all all the teeth with fillings

extracted because it was his belief that the government was using the mercury to communicate through his fillings he was a very strange man but who knows he could have been right what do we know price of genius right like was it worth it for him to be that good at chess to not be able to stop his brain from thinking in very complicated, maybe unsubstantiated ways. Yeah. But he couldn't reign it in. But this kid, he reigns it in. He says, he doesn't go to be the grand champion that Bobby was.

He just says, I can live with myself not being the best. Take the draw. Hmm. What do you think? Is that the way to go? No, I'm not necessarily. That's right. I think the world necessarily that's right i think i think the world here's why i think if you're born sweet we got to put some killer in you but if you're

born a killer we got to put some sweet in you and this kid needed some killer in him but at the end he still chooses sweet but he has the capacity to be a killer on the chessboard yeah i mean if you can get down to the best chess player in the world and ask for a doi. You sure he wasn't playing Elmer Fudd? No, but that's like what he sounded like. I might be umphing it too for the pod. I suggest you take the doi. I mean, that's what I'm hearing. What's your phrase that we forget after it? My phrase for getting after it is

i'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass and i'm all out of bubble gum that's from john carpenter's they live great movie yeah rowdy Piper yeah Harlan thank you so much for coming back in brocephaloshes I mean I don't think I've had so much fun leaning over a cedar

oh you know what we should do before we end it Aaron mentioned this before and we haven't said it once oh one of these the power slam yeah maybe we do that

instead of shaking hands at the end we do a three-way power slam. Let's hit it. Hey, guys, it was really good to be here. That was awesome. Wow. That felt a little like Sonic Force Go up the middle there.

I see it. That was cool. There's a collective energy. Should we go out with a fucking yodel while we're at it? Let's hit a yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel.

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Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel. Yodel.. Yodel. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man. I'm a good man These guys are really nice, and you wanna know What to do and where to go When you need someone to guide you Who's supposed to have the girls beside you Go and see Go and see

That's the thing, I'm going to Go in deep Let's go deep Go in deep Try to get deep