Good Guys - Here To Help! with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

Introducing "Good Guys" with special guests Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds! In this episode, we uncover the hilarious mishaps of being a valet, contemplate downsizing homes to second-tier cities, and explore Jake's alternate career in construction (complete with Vaseline anecdotes). From postal adventures to Hollywood Park Casino tales, join us for a side-splitting journey through auditions, stand-up, and celebrity encounters. With candid banter, memorable impressions, and plenty of laughs, this episode is guaranteed to leave you in stitches. Tune in for some good vibes and even better stories! What are ya nuts?! *okay yes, ChatGPT wrote this too* Check out We're Here To Help! Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. Sponsors: Need to find the perfect gift? Don’t panic. Try Gift Mode on Etsy now. Go to Nutrafol.com code GOODGUYS to save $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Dear Media IRL is back, and we're showing up bigger, better, and louder than ever. Join us on May 4th in Austin, Texas for the ultimate live podcasting experience. Watch and learn from your favorite dear media hosts as they bring their insightful discussions from your headphones to the stage. Get ready to be inspired, entertained, and watch audio get a makeover. Tickets are on sale now. Dear Media.com slash IRL. See you on May 4th in Austin, Texas. I'm Josh Peck. And I'm Ben Sopper. And we're the good guys. There's a lot of guys out there. And we're the good ones.

Welcome to the good guys podcast. We have Jake and Gareth here. Thank you guys for being here. Thank you. You're here to help, aren't you? Yeah. Oh, right? Yeah. Always on call. We didn't know, but we're ready to go. Listen, these are two of the major, I would say, comedy duo podcasts in one room. This is like a think tank. Yeah. For everyone. If this room explodes, the business will never be the same. Yeah.

And that's why I'm not in person. I need it to protect. Oh, yeah, right. I need to protect the business. God forbid. God forbid there's a bomb threat at Dear Media. Needed to make sure the comedy was safe. I did it for you guys.

We're a bunch of artists here, but what should be known is Ben actually as a dentist. Yes, he's pre-dental. He graduated pre-dentistry with a minor in chemistry. He's a writer for real. It's true. Oh, good on you. Wow. This is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I did decide not to be a dentist about 15 years ago, but the same way that Josh, you know, he's still fat-draking Josh, you know. I am? Gosh, you're looking at Josh. You look good, man. Dude, I'm giving you props here. You're coming in me. I'm like, you don't understand.

Would you guys agree as like true blue artists that I find anyone who's got a civilian job? I agree. That's why I said that a bit. I was like, I want to say. No, it's an actual skill. It's remarkable. It really is. But it is funny.

You went after him. I did. I saw an opportunity. You just saw an opportunity. In those moments where we all, and we've all faced a bit of rejection here, let's be honest. In those tough moments, what do you, if you're like, I'm out, I'm out of showbiz, what would you do? You ever toy with that idea? What do you think your backup plan would be?

Which phase of the game? Yeah, that's a good question. Because I think I always, I was just telling, I mean, as I was saying, I was saying, I mean, as I was saying up here. When I was a valet, I was like making good money. It was an interest, like, in my back of my head, I'm like, yeah, just that. Like, but that is not like a dental skill. But, but yeah, if it was more recent, I'd probably just dip right into writing. I'd probably just try to write my way out of it. Which direction would you go? I mean, I'm sure valet would be where I'd end, but I'd have the writing phase. Yeah, I'd be writing for a while. I'd be like, well, I need money

because the writings are going to ride out of it. I might have parked your cars. A book by. Gary Reynolds. All right, cool book, man. Who'd you park? Javoltas? I parked on Javltas. Bruce Willis. No, were they nice?

I got a chance out of it. They didn't say hi. They didn't say hi. But I said a lot of high, so I covered for both. You know what really speaks to me about being of valet? The level of steps you're going to get in a day. Don't disagree. Tens of thousands.

And if you enjoy cars. Yeah. Because then you do get to head of the moment where you go like, well, look at this one. That happened a lot, too. You get to Ferris Bueller in a little bit. Absolutely, yeah, but I would only take it like a block, but even in that block, I'd be like, whoa. What a block. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you ever, okay, if you ever had someone who was shitty to you and you were taking their car, did you ever toot in their car? Did you ever... Oh, I'm sure it wasn't a revenge toot, but I'm sure it happened. I mean, you're parking a lot of cars. Yeah, the old parking fart, that probably happened. What would you do, Jake? What would you go back to? I mean, at this point, I don't know.

But there were different phases. When I was younger, everything, and we were, you're talking about a little bit, but the beginning, it's really hit and miss, where you're playing this game, and I view it like poker. So, you know, I love playing cards. I love gambling, but once you run out of chips and your ATM says insufficient funds, you don't get to keep playing. Yeah. And so our business was just about like grinding and getting chips and grinding and getting chips. And so it was always hit or miss. There would be a project where things were going good and money was coming and then I would be dry for a while. But now that I've worked for a while,

if I stopped working now, I'd fucking down. I would downsize my house, moved to a second tier city, and live like a fucking king. Yeah, that's true. You know, I'm like, but 10 years ago, then I would have had to do construction. And I would have wanted to, I always like building. I like the idea of like a game and a team. Do you have experience in that? Yeah, I grew up.

Okay. Yeah. I did it too, and I would not be, I was not good at it. I wouldn't be top. I would be low man in the totem pole. Yes, that's what I was. Yeah, taking orders. Taking a lot.

Yeah. But having them doing a lot of bits. Which helps a set. It helps a crew a lot. The funniest, yeah, I could definitely be the funniest guy, but the least skilled. I was the guy who always had to do insulation. Oh, the worst. Because the worst job, and what you have to do is they cover your body in Vaseline, put you in a whole suit, everybody's teasing you, and then you have to do ceilings.

So they'll, like, build a little bed for you. At the end of the day, the Vaseline wasn't necessary. Well, it kept those little fiberless things out of your skin. But that role was for the least skilled, but the one we're after when you get drinks, the funniest stories. Yes. So that role was very clear for $20 an hour. I'm like, I'm your guy. Cover me with Vaseline.

I'm not going to bitch. Yeah. I'll do it. Yeah. I think a lot of times, you know, recently I was watching this guy who's delivering mail, this postman, and he was ripping Sigs. Nice. He had some in his ears listening to a probably our podcast.

Obviously, yeah. Delivering mail. You're not wrong. Comfortable shoes. I know what you're saying. I'm like, other than dogs, you got no issues. Yeah. I had this with Amazon.

I saw a guy blasting to. tunes with the Amazon truck with both doors were open and we looked at each other and kind of had a laugh. And I thought like, I get what your gig is. Yes. You're making over $100,000 a year zipping around, maybe stoned, maybe one gentle hit in the morning. Maybe. But they had to like pee in jars and to get the to get the job. Bezos is letting it slide.

Yeah, Bezos is definitely. But the gig is you're driving around. Yeah. You're seen an address. You run out. You're in your own galaxy. You put it at the door, you take a photo, you're in the back of your truck. There's a world there.

I'm like, that's not a bad thing. Any job where you, like, I used to do kids' birthday parties, like dress up, like, superheroes for kids' parties. And it was fucking awful. But I was in my own world and talk about being kind of stoned. I'd be like, whatever. I could handle it. And it was just very much my own little galaxy. And I did, it was a lot of, like, stress.

But I was on my time. And I would, I definitely felt. Some level of peace. Give us the best and worst costumes that you had to wear. Like, who are the characters that you like to play and hate it? The best would be a Spider-Man because the thinnest layer of fabric. Very form-fitted. That was the downside.

If I was going through like a gin phase, like the kids would be like, what's up a Spider-Man? You became Peter B. Parker. Yeah. Yeah. Spider-Man's got a thyroid issue. As I shoot the web and I'm like struggling to pull myself up. Jeez, he's really gassed.

And then the worst, I mean, there were crazy ones. There was ones like, like there was a Yu-Gi-o character called the Dark Magician that had like seriously a four-foot, like purple extension. I never, but I was like, but I couldn't walk anywhere. I would be like pelting kids with it when I was trying to get balloons for for their party or whatever. They were mostly horrible outfits for the most part. Etsy, Etsy, Etsy, Etsy, Etsy. It's cute. Look.

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Love. Who doesn't? Absolutely love it. I was invited to a celebrity poker tournament. I know that just the dentist of the room, but I am a bit of a celebrity. I couldn't partake in it, unfortunately. but they offered to fly me out was very excited. A $3.50,000 purse.

Look at that. Unfortunately, would it take or does it go to charity? No, winner. You take it. You take it. It was fantastic. I'll connect you. But yeah, love a good card game.

Fantastic. Is Holdham your game? I'll play them all, but Holden's the most popular win. It's an easy game to jump into. But in terms of New York, Mike Sarah actually took me around some illegal games around the city. Wow. in New York that I've, yes. And when he did the Sorkin movie.

Yeah, I bet that's how he got. I think you're totally right. Molly's game. Yeah. So he and I used to play a bunch over at our friend Jeff Bainer's house and we were in New York. I was like, no, I'd love to play. I was doing press there or something. And I still remember going to some like, you know, you buzz into some random apartment.

And it's a whole floor in a building where there's probably like 12 games going on, a little gate where you buy in random security with like one guy with a gun. And I was like, oh, great. I found a game like that in Atlanta once too. In that year, I was like, oh, this is so fun. So if there was now like a, or a couple of years ago, I fell out of this work, there is a whole world of money-making that could be really fun. I love you pitching your wife the comeback.

Are you good? Are you good? I'm a very good amateur. You're a very good amateur. She could walk into one of those games and you could walk out with money. I could walk out with money or break-even. Or break-even. That's good.

Yeah, and then, but my cousin, Frank Rusnak, is a pro. Wow. And he's been in Vegas for years. It's how he makes his money. And when I used to play pre-kids all the time, we sat at a table together, and I realized very quickly, there's a difference with being really good at, like YMCA basketball and then playing with professionals. And you're like, oh, it is, there are layers to this game.

Because I was like, he knew what I had each hand, by the way I was playing it. And I did not know what he had. Wow. Jealous. There are those games all over the city everywhere. It's like just underground games, people winning and losing millions of dollars. It's crazy. I once had a romantic interlude with a girl who dated both Phil Ivy and David Copperfield.

And I was like, babe, you are getting the third worst celebrity right now. I'm incredibly sorry for you. How does everybody know the name Phil Ivy? Even if you're not like a fan of poker, I feel like Phil Ivy became unbelievably. That five-year phase where ESPN was like, yeah. And we were all like, yeah. Then you knew like Phil Helmuth, you all these like weird. Weirdos that you were like, I'm a huge hellmute head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It became a whole moment. Who was the guy with the long hair? What was his name? Was it Chris, like they called him Jesus? Yeah. I want to say Chris Ferguson, but it could be wrong. He might be right.

Yes. It's somewhere right near that name. I think it might be right, but that is right. ESPN hammered World Series of poker for a solid three-year period. And those dorky announcers, you're like, ugh. So walk me through that, Josh. Yeah, yeah. You made a woman.

Yeah. How does that come and how does she go from Copperfield? Who is this human? She works in nightclubs. Okay. How was the meet and greet and what was your confidence? How did you go from club to home? She made it clear that it was happening.

Oh, wow. Walk us through. So please. Yeah, no. You're at a club in Vegas? No, no, in L.A. Okay. But apparently she moonlit in Vegas, and she only had really nice things to say.

Okay. But, yeah, it just became around that time 2 a.m. when the club's closed in L.A. And she was like, where are you going? Because I'm coming. Wow. Like, that's how it would have to happen with someone like me, because otherwise I would have been like, it was nice meeting you. And I hope that exchange information.

Are you like fine? Yeah, exactly. That would be similar. Yeah, yeah. So we swapped each other's vine addresses. Flavine. She's like, no, we're having sex tonight. Oh, wonderful.

Yes, too. I have another eight-second project I'm offering. Oh, the king of vine. It was, yeah, and she starts telling me about all these people, and I'm like, well, this is never going to happen more than once. Right. Because I can't be, like, part of this trio of celebrity. Yeah. But she only had really nice things to say.

Yeah. Okay. I would say, of all the people I'd be intimidated by you imagine hook, up with a girl where she's been with this athlete or that, you know, celebrity. Oh, yeah. After Copperfield, a magic man, he's great. I have respect for, I saw, I saw his live show. My brother and I went, we saw him in blue and there's all this madness he's doing.

He has a little alien appear. He does his whole, like, E.T. show. Yeah. For real. I like his little alien. But at the end, like, he's got this little guy where you're like, this shit ain't magic. It's the Muppets. It's just a little guy in blue who's like, I'm going home, David.

My brother and I are looking at each other. They're like, what's the magic? What's happening here? And then a collar is going to, it's cool. Like, sure, you're in the show. But you're kind of. No disrespect. I can't do it, but I was a little bit like, what is this?

Now, I get you make a lot of money you do that, but if I found out a woman I was aware, she was like, I just rolled out of bed with Copperfield. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I wasn't too intimidated. That's not too scary. And I know some side of hand. Yeah, right. I can make this disappear. And I have.

Because I once went to dinner randomly I was at a dinner with David Blaine Speaking of famous magic home And I grew up being a massive fan of him Like a total chubby New York kid Loves magic loves all the things And then also he was like a New York kid Like raised by a single mom

I just overly identified with him And so then I'm finally at dinner with him And he's doing the tricks To you? To everyone So he just does the tricks And I go, what are you running from, David? Yeah I was just thinking

A little bit. You know, sometimes just have a meal. It was disappointing. I'm like, when he eat the picata in front of you and stop? He put the fore through his hand. The funny thing about a guy like that is that they are just tricks. So the one thing I didn't get, because the Blaine movement was incredible to watch from the outside. I have no links to him.

I'm not part of the Leo group whenever they all like ran around in the clubs. That whole world is 10 miles away. Who knows what they're doing? But his originally, it was like, cool magic. And then it was like laying in an ice cube. Yes. And that era of David Blaine, I was like, what are you doing, Homeboy? Where he's like, I'm going to stand in a box, 500 feet in the air, and just be in here for three days.

Lose my mind in front of the city. I'm like, I'm not convinced this shit's magic. I don't think that stuff was. I think that was just him like, endurance. I think it was endurance. Endurance. But like that's a, his magic turned into. Yes.

I want to impress you so bad. Yes. That I'm just going to do something that is, I'm on. just lay in ice and you would go, that's a long time in ice while like New Yorkers are just walking over you. Right. And he's like, I'm going to lay in the middle of New York. People be going to see him like, wow, he's really suffering in there.

That fucking dude is freezing. Yeah, look at it. See you later, David Blaine. And then he came out. The pioneer of cold plunging. Yes. Yeah. He came out of one.

I remember he was like all week. Oh, yeah. And I remember they like put blankets on him and an ambulance came and I went like, oh, day. To da, ta-da. To-da-da-da-ta-da. To-da-ta-da, to die, to die. Growing up in the city, did you ever go visit any of these stunts

when he was like in Rockefeller Center or whatever? Oh, no, I stay very, very far away and always did for many stunts. Anything, especially like the biggest stunt, biggest spectacle would be New Year's. The ball drops couldn't be further away from that. Honestly, when you were talking about before that you wear these costumes,

I thought of all the scary, Spider-Men that sits in Times Square and God forbid you see them remove their mask. Then all of a sudden, all the fun is over. There's a great documentary about it and about Hollywood. You know what I'm talking about? Do you remember the name or no? I don't remember the name. Like behind the man?

Yeah, it could be behind it. But it's all about those guys in Hollywood Boulevard who dress that and they go. Because they're hustlers. Kind of. Yeah, they're aggressive. Yes. And there's a lot of, I mean, not all of them, not all, but there's some demons. that are being covered with masks.

A lot of them are the, what are you running from David? I think at one point Superman looks into the camera and says, you know what's like when you're really high on speed and you can't stop talking? And everyone's like, which is the intro to our podcast, we're here to help. Hi, you know what? We have an episode with that these days. You know it's like when you're really high on speed, hi, we're here to help. Give us a little background on we're here to help because this is going to actually be a

wonderful collab episode. So our episodes will air the same thing. day. I was on their pod recently. Thumbs up. What was that? What was that? It's an update. Really? That was cool. Yeah.

Nice. But go listen to their podcast and update your Zoom as well. That was crazy. That happened with Gareth on one of those I remember. We were having a meeting. One time it started raining on my Zoom and I was like, I don't know. People are you okay? I was like, yeah, it's just, I did something.

When it is a somewhat serious meeting and you're not supposed to be. And you just look like an idiot. I mean, I do our podcast from home with a picture of my cap behind me, so it's not a great start. But then someone looks in like window four and they're like, is it raining in that guy's a little weird window over there? I'm like, I waved. I'm sorry. I overwaved. Tannying in my duplex. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Well, the backstory is basically we've been friends for coming up on like 20 years or 15 years.

There was a lot of advice giving when we were trying to get our footing in the entertainment business. We really started at the same time. Yeah. We were at improv theaters together. Doing commercials. Commercial headshots. And so. And there was a lot of sitting in bars going like, because Gareth and I had the similar

role in each of our groups. So then we would get together and we would always be able to say, like, we'd see each other in an audition and he would go like, I got that one. And I would be like, we weren't competitive. We wanted the same stuff, but we could say like, what'd you do? Yeah. And he's like, I let out. I was aggressive.

I was like, oh, I was shy. So that kind of talk was the beginning. And angling. Like Jake was always a guy who was always angling and we would talk about angles and we would talk about what we should do and shit like that. And so that was just there. Like constant advice to each other was always there. And then as our careers changed, Jake decided to get really famous.

I decided to go a little more subtle route. Both of those are choices. Yeah, I was a very, I could have done it. But it's also, it's not over until it's over. It's over to it's over. It's over. It's over. But I always knew

Like as I was doing podcasts and more stand-up and shit I was just like yeah Jake would be so good at a podcast And then the idea just kind of came about And it was his idea Yeah and it was just like But I was like you'll be so good at it And immediately we were like Oh yeah this is

To kiss Gareth ass a little bit And Steve Berg and I talk about it But Gareth is in the best ways like a cockroach And I view myself in the same way And we talk about the business Where you go well what else would you do Well, the real question is, is nothing. I'll try to find a way back in.

And same with Gareth. So, Gareth. Try to find him more. You know, he'll do these bits. But, you know, he's a high-level EP writer. He was on a rested development. He'll get gigs that way. And whatever path he starts going, he'll see it drying up before others and then make like a really weird right-hand turn.

Where you're like, you're doing stand-it. Like, when you started stand-up, we were too old. Oh, yeah. We're in our 40s now. I started old. So he was like 10 years older than all the other stand-ups doing open mics. And Gareth, don't worry, because people called. Ben and I cockroaches, but it's because we're Jews.

Yeah. So don't feel... I've seen the comments. Yeah. No, it's different. I thought it was like... You're not. He's only a few.

I get it. You seem like a Farrowcon guy. I'm huge. And you do, because we're going to get to a segment where we take voicemails in the form of speak pipes from our followers. The morons are their names. And they ask for advice. But you guys do live calls for advice, which I think is cool.

That's cool. Yeah. Well, I think it's cool. it's key for, so when Gareth pitched me this idea, I'd been wanting to do a podcast for all, but I didn't quite get the right format of why doing it. And when he pitched this, the fun of it is that the third person is a huge part of our game. And so if they're really fun, then it's like when you go out and you meet somebody and they happen to have a great vibe or a great story, it charges up the whole group. So our game is we have different roles in doing it, but we're

trying to make the caller really score. Yes. Because the deeper we get in, we're on their team. But they always end up revealing something at like minute eight that we all crack up about. Yeah, that was kind of the thinking was like, I mean, I remember when I would, you know, talk about going to these auditions and stuff, you would just listen to like some weird call-in radio show. And I would just be like an hour into some weird guy.

And I'd be like, well, I got to hear how this ends with this guy calling into a show. Right. And then the idea was that. Like, you know, someone might have a problem or a question, but we can keep. digging and go, wait, what is going on? Well, now you also have to defend yourself against Stavros. But it's so nice, because at least you get context. Like, for us, we'll get a speak pipe. Somebody will ask for advice. We have no idea if they're 20 or 47. Single or married. Where do they live? So socioeconomic status. You can't give proper advice with that, without a laundry list of who they are.

But also, yes, yes, and that, but also. It's the old improv coming out. What's that? Yes. And, yeah, good work. Thank you. It just also makes it. much more fun hearing more about him because what I would get bored of podcasts is I love Garf, but I never want to do a podcast where we're just literally going like, what's next? It's us again. So the caller breaks up the us of it all. So they'll be saying something and then Gareth will be pitching on it. And I've never heard this take because she's bringing it out of them.

Yeah. Or if you want to talk about yourself, it's applicable. So it's like a story about your life. To try to get in. Neutrophal. Neutrophal. do you have thinning hair? Well, you don't need to have it anymore. Are you embarrassed? Are you ashamed? Are you feeling a little like it's a taboo thing to bring up with your friends? Well, you shouldn't because the

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I have one that's crippling. I got one too. That's really amazing. I also can hurt. I auditioned for a show. Remember that show Magic City? Give me a little bit more. It was a show about Jew mobsters in the 50s in Miami.

Done. Check the box. I'm in. What's my call time? What network? It was on like stars or something. Interesting. I take a whole issue with the show because the lead.

was Jeffrey Dean Morgan. That's like having, you know, that's like having John Lovitz as a star of the Sopranos. That's crazy. Jeffrey D. Morgan, he's an Irish god. He's good,

the best dude ever. No issue with Jeffrey D. Morgan, but maybe not a Jew for Miami. I really want to see the Lovett Sopranos now more than ever. He's so bad. I'm a guest star. I'll fucking beat your heading. AJ, what the fuck?

You've crossed the wrong guy. He said something he came on New Girl and he had the best bit of anyone I've ever had on that or saw. His whole thing was that he was being treated poorly. And everything was, I don't have enough lines. And we were all egging him on. And then he goes, you've got this all wrong. I'm two things and you haven't thought of. First of all, I'm your guest.

Second, I'm the star. He goes, you guys are putting guest star together. But they are separate sentences. I am your guest, I should be treated like that, and I am your star. And we were all just like, what a great way to say guest star? What a legend. Keep going, keep going. I love it.

I love it. So funny. Magic City, so they call me, they're like, they really like you, they just want to meet. They don't even want you to read. I'm like gorgeous. Yeah. They're like, but they would like you to wear something like of the period slightly. So just nothing too modern.

They just kind of want to see like just how you would look believable of the, you're like, of a guy in the 50s. I'm like, bet. So I wear some sort of non-breatvable fabric. Oh, boy. Dress shirt, pretty tight. Oh, dear. You know what I'm saying?

How's the ball in this phase? Good. I mean, good enough. Yeah. Could be better. Sure. We're all there, but yeah. But sometimes when I wear tight shirts, I'm in a better phase.

And other times I'm like, this same tight shirt doesn't want to button up. Yeah. Well, this tight shirt just was not breathable at all. And I'm sitting there, and I'm on a dry run, right? It's been like 10 months without working. So I'm not captain confident. Right. And there's no air in the room. Oh dear.

So I'm sitting and it's like a pale, almost, I would call it a lilac color. Sure. Okay. Really shows moisture. Sure. We're talking 30 minutes in. It feels like that's an important detail, plus. 45 minutes in.

I know I'm sweating, but I don't know how bad. Oh, God. But I'm not face sweating, but my body is drenched. I can feel it. So I walk out of the room, 50 minutes in, and I go into the bathroom. I kid you not, it looks like a vendi-di-a-old. On my chest of moisture. It's soaking wet from my clavicle down to my belly button and there's just one thin space down my sternum that's dry, but the shirt is sopping. Like I've been running a marathon. And I think that I was sitting there for 50 minutes and they saw it. And no one said anything. And it's the worst. Is that why they wanted the actors to try on the clothes? But I mean it. I don't know why they would say it for a meeting. But I mean it. I don't know. We'll see. But I mean it.

Like, could you imagine, it's just immediate. I assume wardrobe is going to make every actor look right. But they said on this one, dress in the 50s clothes. And on this, because when you said that example, I didn't get it. But maybe it's like 50s close. They don't breathe. Let's see how these bodies do. I mean, that makes me feel better.

We're not looking for the most talented, but the least sweaty. I don't know. Why would they ever say dress the part, but you're not auditioned? What was the fabric you were? Just like probably a gabardine. No, I don't know. It's not thick. Hot and sweaty.

It just was not athleisure wear. It was not smart fiber. There was no quicking happening. It was one of those moments. I called my mom on the way home 23 years old, like in a half cry. I just don't know why I continue to do this. The tears don't even show up on the shirt anymore. It's a mean business.

It's a mean business. What do you guys got quick? I'm feeling very out. I got a bad one. It was for Kath and Kim, remember when that one came around? No. No. You don't remember that?

It's so funny hearing all these shows. No, I know. Kath and Kim was like a big Mikey Day ended up getting it. It didn't go, but there was a moment. It was like a huge show in Australia. Okay. I think it was like Allison Jones. Yeah, I do remember this, yes.

And it went around where they're like, they're seeing all like the funny people. And that was that time I wasn't getting big auditions, but it was like all the improv people could get a shot. So I was like, fuck yes. And I went to the audition. and everybody I kind of knew was there. So sometimes in the waiting room, it's like bit central. And I loved it. And everybody's loosening up doing bits.

Edelstein was there. Yeah, that's good. And he's like, brother, you and me are getting it. I'm like, fuck, yes, man. I'm Kathy or Kim. And every actor in there is in there for like a real time 20 minutes. And that's why there was such a big wait. Because they were really working the actors.

But as an actor, especially they said it's going to be improv, great. I could actually book this job. If they let me get past my nerves and I can do it and I can get loose, I don't know. So I'm waiting. Everyone's coming up. And everyone's coming up and being like, they're so fucking nice. Have fun. They're so nice.

I'm like, great. Feeling good. Doing so many bits. King bits. Then they go, Jake, and I literally do something probably hacky like, I do. You know? Turn in the corner and walk in. Confidence?

10 out of 10. I'm not sure I'm going to get it. I'm feeling. I'm like, this is how you should feel at an audition. There were three scenes. They go, all, Jake, you all. said, I'm like, absolutely. I do half the first page, and they go, thank you so much. Because of all the bits, I laughed. Like, oh, you just did the mean joke. I like a good mean joke. You murdered me.

I went like, all right, nice. There's a pause. They're dead serious. I go, no more. And they said, thank you so much. That was great, Jake. I didn't even finish the scene. I walk out, but because it was so fast and I left doing a bit, all my friends laughed. As if I pulled the best bit of all time and that is like, I'll see you guys in a second. See you on set. Walk in, slam the door, open the door and go like, all right, everybody. There's laughter. Everyone's kind of doing like, oh, that was fast.

What's going on? And I had to go like, not a bit everybody and good luck in there. And they had to do the walk of shame. But the vibe was- Jake, that door doesn't open. Cool. They were giving me like the I'm doing the Andy Kaufman. bit. Everybody was waiting for me to turn and finish. And when I walked out and got in the

elevator, I'm like, they're going to have a huge laugh when they call the next person. And I just had to, like, get in the car and be like, what the fuck did I do? What's wrong? Do you have any idea? With some time? No. I mean, probably too cocky, probably too loose. Still, everyone's getting 20. I don't know. Yeah. They weren't very displeased. Then I thought it was going to be somebody like, oh, they wanted like a goslin. But then it was like Mikey Day. Yeah. I'm like, you're in the universe. I was like, look. Yeah. It's a funny dude, but we're not talking about the hands.

Maybe they just realized that if they kept giving 20 minutes to each person, they'd never get out of there. I think you're right. And they knew I wasn't the guy. They were just going over, over, over. And it was just unfortunate timing. I don't think it was anything you did. I don't agree. I appreciate that.

It was nothing. So that's one take, Garfman, your take? Jake, you're great, but not for everyone. And we've known that for a long time. And they definitely do it. Yeah, they do for sure. What's your story, Garf. What do you got?

There's thousands. 1995. 2002. When does this one end? 2006. It's actually not over yet. Winter, 2006. I have so many that are terrible.

But one was, I used to have to go in for like sketch shows, and they would always ask you to, like, come up with characters and shit. And that always felt particularly stressful when you kind of had to write the audition to some extent. So I don't remember what the sketch show was. I don't think it ever did anything, but whatever. I had my characters that I was going in with, and it was right when David Hasselhoff, the viral video of him eating the cheeseburger off the ground, which ended up being like a sad moment.

Not at first. Not at first. So this is incredible. You fat pig. Yeah, yeah. Excellent. So this is what we're all like. Oh, you're saying bad.

Yeah, bad, bad. Excellent. But really watchable. So very watchable. Honestly, made me hungry and want to drink. And in good shape. Still in good shape. The Hoff.

Well, he was definitely, okay, so my plan was, all right, I'll just capitalize on that viral moment. And so I thought I'll do a hassle off impression, too. So I got a Wendy's Cheeseburger, which is what he was eating on the way to the audition. And whatever, it was waiting in the waiting room or whatever. And then I go in, I'm bombing as one would on a sketch audition, but I'm like, as one would. I'm like, I got that. As all dude.

As everyone was. I was like, I got the hassle off. And then so they're like, okay, what else? you know, and I was like, all right, this is my last one. And I laid on the ground. I took my shirt off. And I was in horrendous shape at the time. And I just started, you know, saying the thing.

I don't remember what he was saying, but I just started, like, saying the things. And then I, like, take the burger out, and I'm, like, eating the burger off the ground, saying stuff. And I'm just watching, like, three people kind of feel nervous and anxious. And I'm, like, halfway through it. Like, am I not eating this funny enough? So I'm, like, sloppy and all that. And I told it, I said that I'm going to do a David Hasolff impression. Then I get on the ground.

I eat a burger off the floor for about five. to six minutes saying catchphrases and nobody is laughing and then I get up and they were like how is that a David Hasselhoff impression and I go have you seen the video where he's drunk and they're like no and I was like oh well that's really important to what I just did for you guys to experience that and then I like had to pick like beef chunks off out of the carpet and like kind of clean you guys so much I like ketchup on my side and then I like had to leave and I was driving home just like that is that's a low that is brutal I had to do a sketch thing where I did three characters and it was Eric and Derek Waters all these guys had a manager named Dave

Sheridan and they said like hey maybe you could meet with Sheridan he'll get you like commercially this and that so I went to his little apartment in Hollywood in his little studio I did my three characters for him on a couch which is really shameful uh really especially when they're not laughing at his house and I'm like like the trolley bond blah and I'm like in the middle of it being like trolley man ain't working. But I still have another minute and a half. And you also got to be like maybe trolley man hits if I commit. Well, you have to commit.

Yes. And so I had one where I was like a little boy alcohol. I had all these characters and they just weren't hitting. And afterwards it finishes and it's shameful. You know, like I had a little change of clothes. I was wearing like a tight t-shirt from one of the characters. And then afterwards I was like, so that's basically it, but I'm also a writer. And he goes, you know, I've been doing this for a while and you can tell somebody right away.

And he goes, you just don't have it, man. And I had to go like, well, first of all, I had to go like, well, definitely thank you for taking the time to see me. Does trolley man have that though? Take out. Let me collect my things and Torali man's out. Ben, is there any version of this in like the normal world? I was trying to think that because obviously I haven't auditioned. I own an alcohol company, which Josh, you should get them some sprit society.

Of course, I'll pitch investors all the time. And that's a pretty similar, very sad process sometimes. And I remember I gave our product to, he was probably in his mid-60s, took a sip, looked at me and said, why can't you make a product that tastes good? And that was just a shot to the heart. It's like we did, man. We did. It tastes great.

But yeah, there's no other real. I cook. I make memes. I'm more of a socialite celebrity. I don't really audition. Oh, wow. So it's not a. Josh, maybe we need to get me an audition and just see how sad it would be.

I'll pitch you all day, babe. What do you want? What are you feeling? Marvel, are we thinking, Skywalker? John Lovitz is redoing the Svranos. Can I be like a sad, it's like something in SVU? Yeah.

Why don't you take your shirt off and eat off the floor? I'm like in my mid-30s in my room crying and I don't know, something with Olivia Benson. Growing up in New York, it is fascinating how every, you know, working actor and you ever see them on the street, you'd be like, you did criminal intent, you were a drug act. addict and like, yeah, I was on SVU. I was, you know, a predator. Like, everyone has done a guest star. One thing I do want to say, though, about the auditions in that process of this game

that I feel like is going away a little bit in the new YouTube era and everybody, this being the studio, which is something I really like about the new world. But what I like about the generation that we had to do and that the people did before us is you had to dance for your money and you had to get kicked in the teeth. And you had to keep going and keep failing to figure out what. you wanted to do and you really created your tone by like failing and where the gold was. And I do feel like that is going away a little bit. Definitely different.

It's different, but like that old world of like, you know, our industry when we came in, you can connect it to like going back in time how actors always did this since like for 60, 70 years. There's a game you wanted to do. You're not invited to the club. You got like, you're standing outside of the club, you're trying to get ready. You go up. They didn't like you kid, why? Because you do this.

You change that. You go back. They don't like you. You go back. You go back. You fail so many times that when you succeed, you just get through like one layer. When you're talking about like the, I like the angles, that part of the game is my favorite. That you like, you lose when you don't like, well, that's fun.

When nine people tell you no in a row, it might be you. Yeah. I think you still need to play that game today, though. I think that like somebody that's just starting online, they're going to be told, you are not funny until they reach their audience that tells them that they're funny. Or they could change, of course. But like, I feel like, especially, like,

the audience is that gatekeeper as opposed. The audience is that gatekeeper. And then what makes it even worse is that because you were never supposed to be an actor in the first place, the audience is your gatekeeper. You finally find that moment. You want to use your celebrity to do something traditional.

And then you need to go in front of traditional gatekeepers again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just adds like a whole new layer of gatekeeping. These kids are screwed. That's interesting. I hear what you're saying about the audience being the gatekeeper. It's interesting, right? Because Ben's wife has one of the biggest podcasts.

She sold out the theater at Madison Square Garden. Good Lord. And yet Ben will share how like, and yet still she'll have to like prove herself to, in quotes, the old guard. Because she maybe didn't come up through the traditional system. It's similar to standups. Yeah. A standup could be selling out tours. And then if they want to do something on television or on movies, you have to go like,

well are you ready for that right and you go like well yeah i mean i'm selling out tours but it's just interesting how you need to regain the respect of people that you probably don't need their respect at all yeah like the traditional game doesn't like the goal of comedy if we're talking about comedy and stand-up you go to the clubs to create an audience right so that you can sell tickets but if you have the ability already to sell tickets and you've worked on your stand-up in front of millions of people online for a very long time, bring it to tour. It's just funny that the old traditional model still needs, they still need the blood, sweat and tears,

that you really don't need. You don't need to bomb in a comedy club if you didn't have to. It's really nice. That was the way that it happened, but I think that people have such chips on their shoulder because sometimes it's perceived as it was easier, right? The stand-up part of it, I think a lot of times the, because I think a lot of what you're saying is right,

The stand-up part of it still is. There are people who will have big followings who try to pursue stand-up, and they will not be ready for that type of performance, you know. And you see, that happens a lot where, like, they might even be selling out the club and, you know, or the venue or whatever it is, but it won't sustain in that realm too long because the product isn't as good in that version. Absolutely. Yeah, but also going off of that, because it's interesting.

So, like, I know when I started testing for TV shows, as an actor, they create a world for the test that is so nerve-wracking. The worst. Totally. But unnecessary because I didn't do multi-camp. So if you're doing multi-cam, you should have to perform on a little stage in front of every executive. Because you're going to be in front of the audience.

But I did single cam, which is like a movie. And so when I tested, all the auditions are a room like this. And the other actors there, there's a few people in chairs. you get comfortable, you talk. They ask you questions, you're able to ask questions, everyone gets loose, and then you do the scene. Yeah. But then when you test, when I tested at 20th, there was like a little theater, and all the executives are sitting in like power seats.

Been there. Right? Oh, yeah. Been in that room. Yeah. The same executives, too. Yeah. And so then you're sitting in the hallway, the walls are so thin that I, Dan, Levy and Ryan

God, my guys, our friends. I hear their audition. So I'm hearing our friend Ryan Gall, who's a fucking murder, as funny as a person gets. Yes. And when Gall gets cooking, books a ton of stuff. Because he's a killer. But when Gall gets cooking, you're like, and we knew him from like the, he was at the Kath and Kim type audition. He's a ground like he's a murder.

I'm sitting in this room. I'm listening to him Slay. My manager texts, how's it going? And I literally text back, I'm hearing the guy getting the job right now. Then you get called in. There's no small talk. for some reason. They go like, the casting guy Seth goes like, they're ready for you, Jake.

I'm walking into my fucking death. You get up there, it's quiet. And then they go, hi. And then like the showrunner's like, whenever you're ready, you're like, I want to do. So scary. So scary. How many great talents do you think they've missed because of how scary it is? The timing has to be right in your favor for those things as well.

To what you're saying, if you're hearing someone else crush, you're probably not ready to give your best. That's part of the game. Go ahead. Well, there's a game to it too, and I've been on both sides of it. Because many times, if it's down to three, there probably already is a decision. Someone's already won. Right. But you have to go through the process.

Because somebody is also not sure if the person somebody else wanted is right. Or they've just literally, and I've been on this side. I've been the guy, rarely, but you kind of know it because you'll get a call the day before. They'll kind of nudge. Like, it's yours. We just have to go through the process. We would like it to be you. I've also been the other guy.

I've been the other guy where they're like, we're just bringing you in to show that it's this other guy. And it's so harsh because you've made a deal. Yes. You look at the number. You know what your next year could look like. That is kind of the worst thing in a way because you actually now are processing the level of money

you could be making if this happens. 13 times that gets fast. And that is in your head a little bit too. That would be crazy. But I do agree with you that it's unnecessary and that there is obviously you can skip that but having gone through it there is something where I'm like well I would like if you know if somebody who is a stand-up but has never acted put him in front of that right like put him in front of that moment and it could be the spot

where you're probably the one but just do the dance that has been going on for 50 years yeah and then but the problem is now and then we'll put you on roku or whatever it is yeah Which is all new one. I have a show on Roku coming out in a couple months. You've always been really funny, man. Thanks. I went through that show. I didn't have cable growing up, so I missed all cable, but we do now in the world of streaming

with my kids. So I have now caught up on a lot of, like, I didn't even really know what Nickelodeon was. Right. But certain kids who grew up with it knew it, but I was like, we didn't have that. We had Saturday morning cartoons on NBC, but you were always a funny guy, man. Oh, yeah. And it's hard to be funny when you're young and then funny as you're older. and keep, you know, in terms of liking the angles.

It's funny. I remember when I was doing that show, grandfathered with Stamos, he said something to me that in the moment really hurt me, but he turned out to be so right. And he wasn't trying to be, it was just when the truth

is letting you in on something you're not ready to accept yet. And he was like, I think you're figuring out what makes you funny as an adult. And I was like, babe, these jokes have gotten me real far. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you want to keep that to yourself. Stamble. Thanks, John. Yeah, good looking. Cool, yeah. Good luck on. John, let's see how you'd fair. But I was thinking about New Girl and like,

it's so, I would almost say impossible, right? I was just, if you just think about the guys in the show. Yeah. Like, you, Max and Lemorten have gone on to be incredibly successful and done like cool projects all in your own lane. That's so rare for three leads to come off of. And obviously Zoe's always been in her own orbit and crushing it. Yeah, like that's got to be a cool feeling.

Yeah, it is a cool feeling. Yeah. It's nice. It's also, I think we all like each other. And I think when you go through an experience that is as intense as that is, especially for the three guys, you know, Zoe was different because she was our boss. So she was the EP. She had already done a lot.

But Max's story is I know he had like tested for like 17 shows, hadn't gotten it. And by the time we met, he was already like, I think it's done. Lemorn was just starting. And you could kind of tell like you're going to have a big thing. It just might not be right now. Yeah. And mine was, I'm getting really ready to go back into like the commercial world. and go on like my weird phase.

So when we all started getting it and it started to hit, we all experienced celebrity together. We experienced our first big checks together. So we got to go through that together, and they became our, we would have huge talks. So everybody's rise, I'm kind of like, well, yeah, I heard your thoughts on it. Like, we've talked about it.

And so it's nothing but really lovely. It's like, it's honestly a group that the whole world re-founded during the pandemic that show, which has been really fun. Yeah. And, you know, we'll always kind of be connected. We've all turned into, like, a weird version of cousins. And, like, LeMorne, who's come on our show so often, he's starting his own podcast,

LeMorning Afters or something like that. Yeah, that's a good name. Damn it! It's a great name. But, like, you know, in terms of that, like, Lamorin's a guy the way Gareth and I would, you know, talk and strategize, well, he calls up and he's like, start mine, come on mine, and then I used your technique. Yeah.

And I said, here's what we're going to do. Come on ours. We're going to release at the same time. And we'll just tell all our audience to go listen to you. yours and get you numbers. Yeah. And so you're like, oh, fun! Yes.

And then I'm like working on a project this summer in Chicago. And I'm talking to Lamar and I'm like, maybe we just fucking do it together. And you start building that thing of, oh, this game now is not what it used to be. There's so many projects. There's so much that I'm like, oh, I could work with Lamar and I'm like five more things. Yeah. And I'm like, that's a cool thing of having an old co-star, all the short hands there. We already know our roles.

We ready to know our roles. We're ready. Like, we now are figuring out our roles in the podcast, how we do things. Those guys I have seven years with. So, like, we just know the shorthand. Zoe's showing up from my movie at the premiere night. She just popped in. I couldn't believe she came because it was a Tuesday night.

But we, like, looked at each other, gave each other a big hug, smiled, took a photo. I thanked her. She was gone 20 minutes later. Perfect. But I'm like, I was like, that seven years and heard me her going, fucking guy finally directed his weirdo movie. I'm going to go, take the photo with him.

That's going to be spread out. And that is those seven years of talking it. out with her being with her. And that is the thing about that show that I take the most from of like, oh, we all are a team. Wow. And it's cool. But let's go back to the show. Yeah, I can't. I can't. I can't.

So what's going on? Where is your co-star? Hey, should we get to a speak pipe? So we'll get into a speak pipe really good before I start sweating. This next question on our speak pipe is from Mary Grace. And that's all I've got. I love two first names. Hey, Josh and Ben, OG Toaster. and massive OG moron here.

Calling in to ask about gifting etiquette for a Jewish naming ceremony. So one of my best friends is having a Jewish naming ceremony at the same time as a first birthday party for her daughter and wondering if there's etiquette of whether I should bring a gift or not as somebody who is not Jewish. Would love your input because I really want to make this special moment. And if I got a show up with two gifts, then I'm going to show up with two gifts. So anyways, love the pod and thanks in advance. Bye.

Ben, what's a Jewish naming service? You're talking to the biggest Jew ever. And this isn't a thing. I don't mean. Unless maybe she's talking about like boys have brises, girls get names by not having genital mutilation. So maybe that's like what they're talking about. Then she said it's also a first birthday. So you're telling me that this child hasn't been named until they're one.

That's wild. It's just an unnamed baby. I'm very confused by the question. I want to give great advice, but I really don't understand. Just bring some humintosh. Yeah. Just bring a little humintosh. Yeah, that's what I did.

That's what I do. You can't go wrong. Josh, do we have another? Yeah, this woman made up a holiday and we can't have that. This one's from Allie. Hey, Josh and Ben, more on Allie here. I have a question. I live in Germany, and I've been here for four and a half years,

and I need to get the hell out. But Germany just passed a law that says you can get your citizenship in five years. And not that I'm like dying to be German, but it would be kind of nice to have an EU passport. So what do you think? do I like hold out and apply for this citizenship, which could then take like, you know, an extra six months of bureaucracy? Or do I throw in the towel like I've been so wanting to do for the past couple months? Let me know. Love you guys.

She's been in Germany for four and a half months doesn't like it and is contemplating. Four years. No, four years. No, she's been there for five years. No, no, no. Oh, she's been there for four and a half years and is contemplating. Should she be there for five more months? Yes. Yes. That's far better. I thought she was insane. The question you heard would be madness. I was like, what? Yeah, you should stay. You put in the time and like, absolutely. I don't know. Yeah, I became a UK citizen for that EU and then they did Brexit. You get the EU passport. A hundred percent. A lot of, a lot of luxury there. Is there? Yeah.

But what about taxes? You got to pay, you're being tax? They love those taxes. Yeah, they give you a lot, though. You get a lot. Do you have to pay tax? If she moves back here, she doesn't have to pay taxes. You have to maintain some sort of.

I don't think she'll have to pay. I don't, as a UK citizen, I can tell you I do nothing. Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. And they're lucky to have me. And if you need a procedure done something medical, will you fly to the UK for it for free health care? Let me tell you.

There is a thing going on in the UK where the health care is not as free. Why don't you tell the story about your mother? A little bit of USA, here we go. Yeah, my mother needed to get her hip replaced, and she was in the NHS system. The NHS is very helpful for a lot of stuff. The best thing to do would be to get a merger of the two. Great health care for free. But my mother was in the pipe for her hip replacement, and she was in, like, extreme pain.

And they were like, well, it would just be like seven months? And she was like, she couldn't do that, so we had to get her over here, where she also has health insurance and get it replaced here. And then she was, like, a robotic woman within a week. USA all the way. Not all the way. Jake, go put the flag in the sand. We want a fake.

We cut the replacement. Maverick Johnson. USA! Not applying to your beautiful mother, but we're so good at replacement here. Thanks for saying beautiful, because it is factual. I heard she's a baby.

You mentioned that when I was on the pod. Now, do I get to edit this at all or this is all you? Because I would cut this out for sure. But we in America, we're so good with, let's be honest, the overweight, who constantly need is replaced. We're sawn off needs.

and hips left in the night. It's easy money. Yeah. It's great. All right. Last question from a male moron, Matthew Feldman. Full name. Hey, guys.

Fellow Munch, 25-year-old straight male. It hurt my feelings last week when, or a couple weeks ago when you said only 10% of us were out there. But I think by 2025 there will be 50% of us. Of our fan days, I think you guys are hilarious. Straight mail. It's my week every week. But nonetheless, I am a moron. on an incompetent one.

And I'm going to predict him it with my friends. Every time we hang out, he laughs in my face and calls me a fat fuck. A fat fuck. And he just keeps on laughing in my face and calling me a fat fuck. And he repeats it. He's a bit of a narcissist. He keeps on saying how great I am. But he's also extremely ugly.

He's losing his hair. And as much as I follow Michelle Obama, when they go low, you go high. I do want to do the same thing back. Who is the star? his ugly face or his receding hairline. Give me your thoughts. He started off so sweet.

You were like, what a victim. I need a picture. The thoughts of this guy are, do you want a reality show? Oh, because you're a stroke of him. I need to see this 300-pound man with a receding airline. This one's easy. A new friend. I love the way that he was like,

look, he's been really rude. And he's a piece of shit with a receding hairline who doesn't deserve oxygen. But he's coming at me. Yeah. I don't understand why you would stay in that friendship. But he said, should I go, his final question was, should I make fun of his receding hairline or his big ugly face?

Oh, so this specific is, what do I go after? Yeah. I mean, the question was not. Every arrow in the quiver. Receiving hairling. Yeah. It hurts. It hurts.

Once the hair starts to go to the beginning phases of you're dying. Yeah. Jake is upset with this. Ugly face really hits home, though. Yeah. I would do both. Well, you got a full head of hair, my guy. That's just, you're not seeing the top.

I'm not seeing the top either. I also have a, I have a gorgeous face, so that's the thing. But the ugly face is tough because no matter, he's making fun of him for being fat. I would do both. He's fat and have a beautiful face. You know, ugly is ugly. What would you go with? I would make fun of his big, ugly face.

I would just say you are a fucking, you, that face is the worst. I would go into a dark place. You can do that. I think it's a Churchill line where you go, can lose the weight, but your face will always be disgusting. Yes. And then you drink a half a pint of whiskey, which I heard Churchill did everything. Then you drink gin and eat bacon in the bathtub.

Could you imagine? Was he fresca? Didn't he have a fresca machine in his office or no? Churchill? I don't know. No, not Churchill. Just you just move on. No, I like to think it.

I miss her. I like to picture that. Churchill loved sun kiss. Little fuzzy. Grab me another caprice. All right. So our final bit of the show is. is we do our what do you nuts moment of the week.

It's your gripes with people, places and things, small or big, anything that's been sticking in your craw, annoying you. There's no bad answer. Ben and I'll go first. You guys can have a second to formulate your what do you nuts? Ben. Okay. My what are you nuts is,

do you guys have easy pass in California? Okay. All right. So I'm driving. It's a nice car for sure. But I'm going from New York to, oh, we're with your listeners too. I drive a nice range rover.

Going from New York to New Jersey. Go into New York, I have absolutely no problem. I'm going through New Jersey easy pass. First one, I have my easy pass out. It says, can't read no easy pass. Get to my second one, can't read no easy pass. I call when I get home. I got two tickets in the mail.

They were each for $25, $150 in fees. So you're looking at whatever, $400, quick math, or $350. And I said, of course, like the bill is annoying, but why isn't my easy pass working in New Jersey? It works in New York. What's the problem? Apparently, the thickness of my car doesn't read on the signals in New Jersey.

So if you have a range rover or if you have a thick windshield, your easy pass in New York won't read. And all I have to say is New Jersey. What are you nuts? What are you nuts? I have to now, whenever I drive to New Jersey, take my easy pass, put it through the sunroof.

Oh, that's a nice move. Hold it out through the sunroof while I go through because otherwise I'm going to get charged $25 plus $150 in fees. Stop being poor, Jersey. That's a nice move, though. I like holding it out. That's a Larry David move. Yeah, totally.

That's what I do. Banned out. You have no choice. My Woody and Nuts is I get my hair cut by the lovely Tina, not saying anything more because I don't want people to book her up. She's wonderful. Tina's pissed at not the official shout out. Yeah.

Fine, Valentina on Broadway. I just booked her. She's the best. She's great. She's swamp. Never gave me a discount. And so I've sent so many people. So recently she brought her cute little eight pound dog who's old to work.

She's cutting people's hair. It's asleep. It's wearing a sweater. This dog. Not looking for trouble. Old sweet. So I go to leave and I go, oh, I'm going to say goodbye to your dog. She's watching this.

I go to get down to just put my hand down to give him a quick pet. He malls my foot, bites through my shoe, breaks skin. skin. Really? And she goes, oh, and what are you nuts? Don't bring a crazy dog to work. You cut

nice people's hair who want to give them a little affection. And this fucker, like, it was beyond, what are you nuts? What happened? Nothing. She texted me after. She's like, are you okay? I'm like, I'm not going to sue you, Tina. It's okay. I would like a free haircut

one of these days. 10% off. Good Lord. Jake, you want to what are you nuts first? You want me to go? Sure. The parking one, one made me think I was in Pasadena and I did one of those passport parking where you can pay your parking thing on your phone. Put my fucking driver's license in. Did the code, did all that.

And I got a ticket. But I did the passport parking. So I had proof. So I contacted the city and they said that that is an independent company. Oh my Lord. And they don't work with us. So I then contacted the company. And I said, so what happens here?

And they say, we don't work for the city. If they gave a ticket, you need to dispute. This is just an independent company that does this. So yes, you have records from us, but we did not issue you that ticket. And I go, in what fucking world is this? Why do you use this? You said, I go, that I did it. It's a great business.

But I was like, I had the sign. The sign said pay here. I couldn't even put money in. And they go, there's nothing we could do. And the city said there's nothing you could do. And I was like, oh, this is funny. You guys are gangsters. You guys are fraud.

Did you say, what are you nuts? What are you nuts? There we go. I travel a lot and I have to book a lot of flights and I've been taking it on the chin for a long time with the fees. And the fees add up and when you book a flight, it starts at one price and you're like, oh, that's pretty good. And then slowly as you're adding it, the fees now are out of control and you have to book. When you buy a ticket, you're not sure if you're going to get a bag on or not. but then so you book you book your your ticket then you have to decide if you want to ensure

your ticket which should be the airlines job so you have to pay like another 50 so you're looking at like 400 500 and then when it's all set and done it's like 650 and then on top of that in order to book your seat you have to pay more money to decide if you want a decent seat on a plane so the fee what they're actually charging you is like 500 and then it ends up being like 700 and And by the way, keep in mind that the sides of planes are actually falling off at this point. So I would say to the airline industry and Boeing, what are you nuts? Wow, 737 max. Yeah.

You know, my old man used to have a car dealership. He said, you don't make money off the car. The numbers are the numbers. You make money at the last second after you've negotiated for an hour and a half. And they won. They fucking beat you. Right? So you're like 11-5.

You're fucking killing me on this cavalier, but good for you. They were ready to sign. Right before they sign, you go, you want to wax on those tires, yeah? And there you go, huh? Yeah. You want to protect the tires? This is optional. I do it or don't do it.

I don't care. But we can put a wax on it. It's $125, but it's a six-month guarantee on the tires. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, do that. And then they go, you want a wax to cover the paint on the outside? Yeah, and they check here. What's that?

All right, you got a paint job on your car. but if a fucking kid kicks it or a ball hits it, it's going to scratch, but you get this wax that's going to protect it. It's an 18-month warranty, take it or leave it. You don't have to do it. And they go, well, yeah, I would like to do that. That's $3.99. Okay, do you want this?

This is protection to the inside. You don't have to do it. You want to do it. And then he goes, you all of a sudden get $25 to $3 worth of stuff. And he goes, this is $100 worth of stuff, Jake. It's wax. I get one of my guys in two minutes. He goes, it's a fucking tire.

He waxes the fucking tie. He says, congratulations. And I went his that tree. He goes, you make all your money in the last minute. But let them win before. That's very true. Oh, that's wonderful. And I had that same with airlines where I'm like, my entire family is going to Phoenix for $300.

And then you go, 1850. What the hell? What did they do here? Of course I want to sit near the fire exit. Guys, thank you for coming on the podcast. We're going to link the pod in our notes, all that good stuff. We'll do the same. Thank you.

It's been great. Thank you for having. Ben, both pods. We're here to help. Good guys. Both five stars. You don't give it five stars. What are you nuts?

Yeah, what are you nuts? We're not. Spotify, Apple, YouTube. Are you guys video? Oh, yeah. We just started. Catch their beautiful video with their gorgeous faces that I can't see because I'm remote.

But thank you guys so much for coming and looking forward to seeing you soon. Thank you. Appreciate you guys. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.