Good Guys - illumiNAUGHTY

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

IT'S OUR 100th EPISODE!!! And this episode of Good Guys is brought to you by Marlboro... just kidding. Don't smoke kids! The guys are back with a banger, answering your beautiful, gorgeous speakpipes. Blooming onion, blaming horrible smells on others, robot tipping, firing a client and more! What are ya nuts?! Leave us a voicemail here! Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. Sponsors: Mary & George is NOW STREAMING only on STARZ and the STARZ app Need to find the perfect gift? Don’t panic. Try Gift Mode on Etsy now. Go to Nutrafol.com code GOODGUYS to save $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The following podcast is a dear media production. I'm Josh Peck. And I'm Ben Sauffer. And we're the good guys. There's a lot of guys out there. And we're the good ones. Mazel morons, welcome back to the Good Guys podcast. We're here with P. Diddy's best friend, Ben Soff.

You know, it's funny. I'm happy that you brought up P. Diddy. I'm happy that you brought up P. Diddy because I was, there are two, two things that I think. First of all, never in my life have I wanted to be. on somebody's bad side less than 50 cent. I don't know if you follow 50 cent on Instagram, but if you mess with 50 cent, oh man,

he will take you down. 50 cents Instagram is a permanent P. Diddy, I'm going to ruin your life feed. Blanketed statement, don't care if I wind up being wrong one day and people dig up this moment. 50 cent is the fucking man. He's the best.

Oh my God. So scared. He's an incredible rapper, first of all. He's actually lived the life. And it seems like he stands up against these bullies. Oh, my God. The way that I thought that you were about to be mean to 50 cent. And I was like, we will be posted.

By the way, we would be posted on his Instagram tomorrow. Is it worth it? First of all, that would be nuts. Secondly, the man is a magnet in television and I need a job. Yeah, we're going to need to bring 50 cent on the podcast. So 50 cent, if you hear this, you can talk. talk about P. Didi on our podcast? Oh, my God.

That said, did you read this article that P. Diddy apparently his home was rated. I'm happy you brought this up. And I'm happy that I'm so knowledgeable on the subject. You are. Every single room in his house, video cameras. So people would go in there for a party. You know, P. Diddy has these beautiful big parties on Star Island. And by the way, Claudia and I once tried to go to one of those turned away at the door.

We were terribly sad at the time. That said, now I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled. Maybe they would have gotten a picture of me taking a. a piss or something. Did you go to, would you have gone to get, like, frozen yogurt after that? Like, what do you do to lick your wounds after you get turned down by Diddy's henchman? The truth is, you just, you just look at yourself, you know, like, what the hell was I

trying to do get into Pete Diddy's party anyway? It's like, it's like trying to get into a Dan Balsarian party. Yeah, it's just like, it's just like, what are you doing? What are you doing anyways? But apparently there's video cameras in all of these rooms. So celebrities that were going in doing a quick bump of the shneef. People that were horn dogging and in the devil's dandruff, doing something that would bring shame to your ancestors.

Yeah, they have it on camera. That's hectic. That's wild. And one of the new conspiracy theories is that the only reason they did that raid was to capture all of that footage so that the people that are even more famous than P. Diddy, a part of the Illuminati that were caught on camera doing all of these devilish acts would never come to light.

I don't believe it. I don't buy it. Do you think if the Illuminati was revealed it would be so much less sexy than we've made it? Yeah, I do. I do. It's probably not cool. Yeah, it's probably not cool if it's real. Not that it's cool.

I just don't think it's stone masons in like a leaky headquarters built into a mountain, like, sacrificing, you know, like small animals. I think it's just like it's even, you know what's even sadder? It's that it's right in front of our face. And it's like the military. industrial complex, right? It's just like people buying and trading billions of dollars in favors and and, you know, constructing world politics and the massive narrative in a way that puts more money in there in their friends' pockets. And now Jordan Peterson. No, I'm totally with you. It's not sexy. That said, I do wish Nicholas Cage would make a new movie about the Illuminati because nobody,

I know Freemason. I know Freemason from National Treasure. Absolutely. And by the way, how is there not a Pornhub video called Aluma Nadi? Well, that's the name of this episode. I just heard Marshall go, ching! Money, baby. Marshall money.

Is there a Zoom feature where we can have cash falling from the sky? Oh, that would be pretty sweet. And we've got two back-to-back Real Housewives news here, that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast leaves season 13 reunion couches covered in spray tan stains. Like, I guess with the final installment of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, season 13 reunion aired earlier this month, fans are getting a glimpse at the messy aftermath of taping. I guess someone shared an Instagram reel of all these white couches with all this spray tan all over it from the lovely ladies. That is so funny. And anybody that knows, you can't get a spray tan day of and go and sit on a white couch. Not that I know.

I think they probably got it the day before and yet still. And you know, under those hot lights and that hot drama, they could be schvitzing a little. It's a blood bath. Wow. They should have just done what you do. Beachbung tanning bed. I love. Get under those warm lights.

Love it. By the way, the shape of the graham cracker that we're going to make with the Hershey and the marshmallow, looks like a tanning bed. I guess you and I have been thinking differently about this graham cracker because I never thought tanning bed, but I do hear that. You never thought like two canoes? No, babe. I'm thinking sombrero.

I'm thinking. No, I like the sombrero too, but I'm saying I also thought two canoes. news, creating basically like a filled churro. Okay, we can move on. And, you know, it's pretty amazing. And Marshall, you tell me, so Kyle Richards, who I would imagine is in her mid-50s, snaps bikini selfie and cowboy hat after a flirty Morgan Wade comment. I just have to give her, I'm giving her a lot of credit and wondering how, like, I'm 37,

and I don't think that I could look this good in a photo. Like, the way that people are able to bend a light. Not saying she did. And filter eyes. Not saying she did. But like people will take selfies and make themselves look like a million bucks. And I'll take a selfie and be like, wow. Like maybe I should give up.

Here, look at this. Look at this, Marshall. I mean, what a photo. Oh, wow. In her 50s with many children. Good for her. Wow. Wow.

I can't see. Send it to me. Here. And not to like objectify at all. But jugs. Yeah. Looking incredible. She's, she's crushing the game.

I can say it. Marshall said that, yeah, good for her. Good for her. And yes, it does beg the question, what are we doing wrong? What are we doing wrong? Would you why am I, why am I going and getting a short haircut, bald spots, potentially melanoma on my forehead? Like, why are the, what are we doing wrong?

The good news is about your newly discovered possible. pre-cancerous melanoma on your head that you got a really short haircut from and now you can see it better is that there's nothing better for pre-cancer than the sun yes okay yeah and maybe that's where it came from i really hope i don't have cancer ben there's nothing you can do you're dead already it's over that's like the thing you know i'm going to get nerdy here and we'll probably cut this out because who gives a shit. But there's certain things you can really do. You can.

The number one killer of Americans is arthrosclerosis, right? It's heart disease. Now, if you don't smoke, this is Dr. Peter Attia saying this. Baruch Hashem, one of my great, I mean, he's no Andrew Huberman. Shout out the virility on that man. But Dr. Peter Atia, who I look up to, I love him, he's my health guru. He says there's three things you can do. smoke if you control your blood pressure and keep it low and you control your

cholesterol you won't have a heart attack like you just won't obviously there's like some crazy rare moments things but like of the 90% of people who just wind up eating poorly and not living like a healthy life and dying from a heart attack that won't happen to you so there's plenty of things that you can do to like ensure yourself and then there's things like cancer and that is just such a bitch because it's just a Roll of the dice. You just don't know. Well, this episode of...

It's a nice knowing all of you. Good guys is brought to you by Marlborough. With Marlborough, you're a pack? Wow, I'm so jealous. I was doing a scene in an acting class, not a lie. And I've been taking a workshop for four days. And the scene is from The Death of a Salesman.

Shout out Arthur Miller, one of the greatest plays ever written for stage. and the character has to smoke a cigarette in it, so I had to buy a pack for my class later. Wow. Shout out. So lucky. So lucky.

We never did do that episode that we wanted to do where we were just smoking cigarettes on the episode. We were just fucking chief of pack. Yeah. I think we should do it. Guys, I love Nutrafall because it's a proactive way for me to deal with potential hair shedding, hair loss. You know, I haven't had to deal with that quite yet,

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Maybe it's work, commuting. You're a parent. I'm a parent. It's incredibly stressful. that can be a root cause, you know, eating junk food and whatnot. Nutrition can be a root cause. Or maybe it's just, you know, you work a lot of late nights or you're out there partying, okay, having a couple two minutes. Well, lifestyle can be a root cause. Look, Nutrafol is a number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement with over one

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Nutrafall.com spelled M-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com promo code good guys. That's NutraFol.com. code good guys. Did I tell you I interviewed on my old podcast years ago and he's he's kind of a friend. I interviewed McCauley Colkin for my pod and really? And he smokes Parliament 100s. So it's a 100 for anyone that doesn't know. It's one and a half cigarettes.

Like it's an extra long cigarette. And we were in his like beautiful home and he's kind of got like one room that I think he does his work and office type deal. And he lit a cigarette. in the room. And I was like, can I have one? And he was like, yeah. And I, I don't smoke, but I was like, we're smoking inside. Me and, so, me and McCauley. This is so cool. This is naughty. That is, that is, you're the coolest person I know. Thank you. That's it. I don't mean to brag about it, but it is what it is. No, that's, that's it. That's it. And we really need to,

restaurants need to have a smoking section again. Imagine, Josh, imagine we're at Carbone. We have a chicken par. We have the, spicy rig. Our stomachs are feeling quite full. Hey, waiter, can we have a cigarette before our dessert? Oh, life changing. Life changing. Although, you know what? I like, the thing about a cigarette break is I like taking a pilgrimage outside. I like having a thing to do and then we all get to, you know, it's something, the thing about a smoke break is it's an agreement that we're all going to talk for a minute and we're going to just focus on one thing. It's just, it's just, it's just, only the characteristic though of a real smoker.

Like us casual smokers aren't leaving the restaurant to go smoke to come back into the restaurant. You're typically only doing that unless you're, if you're a smoker, which is cool. I'm all for it. But I've just never, I've never had that want to leave and come back. I want to do it right there. Word up. Word up.

Well, I think it would behoove us to get into some speak pipes. How do we feel? Oh, yes. God, I'm so excited to hear from these morons. Me too. And the first one is from young Christina. Young, Christina. If you want to leave us to speakpipe, go to speakpipe.com slash good guys.

And we will give you advice. We will answer your question. Hi, Josh and Ben. Christina here from Australia. Big fan, big moron. I have a question for you as an Australian. What is a blooming onion? because I haven't heard of that here,

so I don't see how that's Australian cuisine. And also, what other Australian dishes are they peddling at this outback steakhouse? Do they have kangaroo steak? And have you tried it? I personally don't like it, but I do feed it to my cats. I'm just wondering what other Australian dishes you guys enjoy. Shout out our Brisbane batty Christina. All I have to say is I know we.

talk about it often as a joke. But it's not a joke. We are worldly. Yeah, babe. We are Mr. 305 pit bull. We are Mr. Worldwide. Like, it's just, it is what it is. Christina, excellent question.

Josh, would you like to describe the bloomin onion or shall I? So the blooming onion, go for it, Ben. You take a large onion. And honestly, Josh, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know where they find these supersized onions. you're taking the biggest onion you can find huge. It's colossal. Putting multiple slits in it.

Almost think about it like a pizza, right? You're cutting it, but you're leaving the bottom head intact and you're spreading it open. You're spreading the wings of this onion. You are then battering it, egg, bread crumbs, deep frying it, and you have yourself a bloomin onion that you dip in a delicious sauce. And this is served at Outback Steakhouse. Shout out. Happen to love a good Outback. They do say that they are Australian cuisine.

And I would say that this does seem highly Americanized to me. On to the kangaroo steak, I have questions. Is this woman eating kangaroo? I guess it's a thing. Really? They seem... That seems weird. They seem pretty like a very lean, muscular animal.

So I'm not sure it would be... Tasty. They also seem like pretty... like smart? I remember on an episode of Drake and Josh, we had a kangaroo that was written in as part of the episode. And we wind up doing a run through for that episode days before. And the kangaroo is there. And it's just not doing anything. Like it's attacking the trainer. It's just not. And the next day, it got replaced with the sheep. I wonder where that kangaroo went. So there's 15 totally crazy things you didn't know about the blooming onion from Outback Steakhouse.

Okay, the first one is there's a special machine that cuts each onion into petals. So I believe that. Also, wouldn't you know, the serving size is smaller than you think. When the loaded bloomin onion came out, news outlets reported that the appetizer was meant to serve six people. The onion has 1950 calories. So you probably don't want to eat one on your own, but if you have six people, it's not that bad. The Blumen Onion accounts for a quarter of all Outback appetizer sales.

And at one time, they even did a Outback offered a Blumen Onion. I love America. Topped with ribs. Incredible. Like the bones nestled in the petals of the Blumen Onion? Oh, okay. Fuck, yeah. Fuland onion topped with ribs.

Oh my God, that just sounds outstanding. And just for fun, there's also been outback experimented once with the loaded bloomin onion, which is like a loaded baked potato with French fries in the middle, cheese and bacon. Wow. Sheesh. I just want to know who is Chrissy Teigen's publicist that she got named in this article. I don't know. How do we get named in articles about food?

You know, like you're just like going through like the Chili's, boneless wings, beloved by Josh Peck of Oppenheimer. How do you get in those? I don't know. Just saying, it would be cool. It would be cool. Starring Julianne Moore and Nicholas Gallatin, stars original. new series, Mary and George, is something that you guys are going to love. It's inspired by an unbelievable true story. And you know how we love a true story. Like, I need to know something

could have happened. You know what I'm saying? When it's too fiction, it's too up in the air. You know, I get a little bit like, where did you come up with this? Right? But when I know it could have actually happened, I'm in. I'm invested. Let's do this. It's inspired by the unbelievable true story of Mary Billers who molded her beautiful and charismatic son George to seduce King James the first and become his all-powerful lover. I wish my wife called me her all-powerful lover instead of like her mediocre friend with benefits. Anyway, through outrageous scheming, the pair rose from humble beginnings to become the richest, most titled and influential players the English court had ever seen. Yeah. Okay. Look, first of all,

Critics call Moore and Gallatin Electric. Julian Moore, what more is there to say? She's quite possibly our greatest living actor. And I'm serious. The critics are loving this. They say you won't be able to tear your eyes away. And I can attest. So watch Mary and George only on Stars and the Stars app.

That's right. Watch Mary and George, only on Stars and the Stars app. The next one's from Sarah. Hey, good guys. It's Sarah here. Big fan of your podcast. I have a situation for you that happened to me recently, and I would love to know what would the good guys do? W.WT. GGD. That's right. I'm a toaster. Abbe. So I'm at work. Go to use the bathroom. As I enter, I realize there's a horrible smell. Person before me clearly did a number two. But in that moment, I'm running to a meeting and I have no choice because I really need to pee. Just for content, this isn't a bathroom stall, but an actual closed bathroom. So once I exit, obviously just my luck, there's somebody that I know, a colleague waiting to use the bathroom after me.

So in that moment, all these emotions running through my head because the smell was still very strong from the previous person. Now, do I say something? Do I say, by the way, that wasn't me? Or do I just go along with my day? But mortified at the fact that this person is going to think that that was me who caused that horrible smell. Anyway, would love your opinion. Just like to be better prepared next time. You know, this could clearly happen again. And I just need to know.

Even if it's not my friend waiting there, if it's my friend, honestly, I want to stink bomb them. Right. But if it's not my friend, I'm certainly saying, by the way, I don't know who did that, but it wasn't me and I leave. But if you say that, I see you coming out there six to, you know, looking like you just had breakfast. Barbecue. your barbecue sauce on my chin wearing a bib. Wasn't me. Yeah.

You look like you just ate a blooming onion with ribs on it. I'm like this fucking asshole. Sure, I think you left a rib on the sink. This guy looks like he just housed a sampler platter.

Wasn't me. Wasn't me. But seriously, I say wasn't me. You? I think you have to do something. Look, my, my, my hack for if you toot in an elevator and then you really blow it up

and then someone's there waiting for the elevator the moment you step out you put your shirt over your face like this and go I don't know like oh you know and then right is she be you're alone no no if you see someone that's coming in

and you know you just blew up the elevator with like a nice part you put this over you like oh like you got in and you were like, whoa, this is terrible, right? And you look at them and be like, I don't know. And then they walk in, right? And then as you're leaving, you hit every button on so that it goes to every floor on the way up. So they really have to sit in the stench.

And you look at them, you turn around and go, as the doors are closing, it was me. A good waft. You give it a good waft. Here's my advice, dear. I don't know if irritable bowel syndrome or Crohn's has a ribbon. right, the way we have for breast cancer awareness, AIDS awareness, you know what I'm saying? I would go get one of those ribbons and I would keep it with you everywhere you go. And if in the future you go into a stinky, stinky bathroom, when you walk out and there's someone

there, you pop on the pin and then they know that you suffer from gastrointestinal issues and instead of being mad at you, they'll feel bad for you. This is a genius take. Thank you. This is a genius take. There should be the ability for you to get some kind of. of a pin like a handicapped sticker. Yes.

Like maybe you wear a handicapped necklace. You just put it around your neck. You walk out. You bomb the bathroom, but you're wearing a handicapped necklace. So nobody's going to say a word to you. They don't even know what you got. Is it Crohn's? Yes. Do your feet not work?

What is it? What's up? None of your business because I have my handicapped necklace. Okay. So our next speak pipe is from Anonymous. Hey, good guys. Baltimore on over here. believe it or not, it is what they call us over in Baltimore.

And it makes sense because, what do you in nuts? Why do you live in Baltimore? Anyway, I'm right to the chase. Don't want to get roasted. By the way, I'm sorry for your bridge. Restaurants, okay? What are your nuts? Why is it that I am doing all of the work?

And you are simply, like you're not even bringing me my meal. A robot brought me my water. I ordered through this robot. I got my meal through this robot. Why am I tipping you? What did you even do? So why do you even work there? You're not waiting on me.

Wow. So what is it that you did? I ordered electronically. I think that's a fair, I think that's a fair debate to have. Also, Baltimore on, brilliant. Just love that. Brilliant. But in general, you know, this was something that revealed itself 20 years ago with the advent of self-checkout, right?

Self-checkout. And we all said, so much fast. So much better. I go to Costco now five times as much because of self-checkout because they have a six self-checkout station. Only thing you can't check out is alcohol, not a problem for dry Judy over here. And you fly through. So it's a big time saver and yet my food's not any cheaper.

You know what I mean? Like I'm doing the service work. Like they're saving on six employees. It's like it's interesting, right? It is. maybe I didn't hear her maybe it cut out when I said I'm so sorry for your bridge which also Baltimore and everybody in Baltimore the bridge that was crazy nuts terrible nuts and we're I don't know what the hell happened there but so sorry did she she said that she ordered something

was delivered by a robot and the robot asked for a tip no she's like there I guess there are a couple humans at the restaurant but they're not front facing like they're not waiting on you they're not like doing any sort of you know service industry in quotes work. It's all being done through apps and you have no order for yourself. So she's like, why are you asking me to tip? What am I tipping? Understood. Understood. Okay. This can sway both ways. This can sway both ways. I would love it if restaurants would be a little bit more transparent. You know when you go to a, I guess it's really a hotel or if you go out for a large party and it says 18% gratuity included. Yes. Right. Then you know that you don't need to tip anymore. I just love to know

if these people are paid an appropriate wage or not, because if they're paid an appropriate wage and they didn't do anything tippable, then fine. But if they're being paid like somebody that should be tipped, then I'm not going to not tip them out of spite. I'd like to know because I'd like to tip them. But I do find it difficult. Like if this is like one of those situations where you go up to the counter,

you order an egg and cheese and they flip around one of those machines and it says, do you want to add a tip? I do personally have issues with that. That was never a typical, that was never anything that was typical. At least at the price that they're now recommending I tip. It was always put a one in the jar, right? Or two bucks in a tip jar. There was a tip jar.

But now it's a recommended percentage. So if your meal is 40, the recommended percentage is 10% or something. So it's a $4 tip, which is too high for that act. And then you feel like a real schmuck going in and inputting manual $1. Right. So, I don't know, it's a tough one. It's tough. It's tough.

I'm a big fan of tipping. I think it can be a great thing. But I'm just like, can you just, maybe bring me just one water. You know, get, just give me just like a little taste. A little taste. And then, yeah, give me something. I'll give you a couple $2 bills. That's a nice.

You ever carry around $2 bills? You feel like everyone's uncle. $2 bill is the biggest flex. It's a genius move because people feel, I don't know if we've spoken about this before, but if we haven't, people feel like. it's worth more than two. Right. But it's two.

They think it's true. I think it's lucky, these people. They think it's luck. I have a question. Do you think that is a two more valuable than a five in the eyes of certain people? I would think it is equivalent to a five and you've saved three bucks. Yeah, we should start carrying twos. I do.

I carry them. What about half dollars? You know, I don't frequent a lot of arcades where I would need half dollars. What about the gold dollar? The Saka-Jewa? Yeah, what about that gold coin? Who the hell is using this weird-ass currency that we keep it in circulation, the half dollar?

The $2 bill is interesting because you have to go to your bank and order them. You have to order a sheet of $100, $2. Because they need to print a whole sheet. I guess they order it from the treasury. Do they have big bills? No, just so we don't know about it? No big bills.

100. I think there was, at times, a big. bigger bill. Let's look that up. That's fun. This is fun. That's fun. People learn from this podcast, no. That's why they come here to learn. Was there ever a bill larger than 100? People are asking. The United States no longer issues bills in larger denominations such as $500,000, $5,000 and $10,000 bills. Oh, that's so sick. But they're still legal tender and may be in circulation. God. And the last one was stopped. How do we get our hands on a couple $500 bills? They were removed from circulation, $500 bills in 1969. Can you imagine you're hanging out with a bunch of scumbags and you're all doing a couple of toots of the devil's dandruff, right? And they're all like, oh, allow me. Got my hundred. Got my hundred. You know, they're like, wow, Ralph, you're killing it. And you go, no, no. You pull out a five, a five hundred? Kidding me.

And after you do that, I pull out my $10,000 bill. Oh, my God. And then we just spend the rest of the night disassembling a computer and grinding our teeth. That is just too cool for school. Imagine receiving as a wedding present. A clean $500 bill. Yeah. I'd think I'd won the lottery.

I don't know why we don't do that. We should. It's a missed opportunity. We should try and buy. We should try and buy some. Can you buy? That's what I want to know. Can you buy a $500 a dollar bill?

But I'm sure it'd be like a collector's item at this point. This episode of the Good Guys podcast is brought to you by Etsy. Hey, good guys, listeners. I'm here to tell you that there's no reason to panic the next time you're searching for the perfect gift. Now you can use gift mode on Etsy. Gift mode on Etsy takes the stress out of gifting. So you can find the perfect item for anyone and any occasion. It's easy.

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better and louder than ever. Join us on May 4th in Austin, Texas for the ultimate live podcasting experience. Watch and learn from your favorite Dear Media hosts as they bring their insightful discussions from your headphones to the stage. Get ready to be inspired, entertained, and watch audio get a makeover. Tickets are on sale now at DeerMedia.com slash IRL. See you on May 4th in Austin, Texas. Okay, this next speakpipes from Anononautics.

Miss. Hi, Josh and Ben. I am a hairdresser and I've been doing that the last eight years. I am struggling with trying to figure out whether or not I should fire a client. He's got a melanoma on his head. I need your help deciding if I should or not. The answer is probably going to be yes only because of him coming to his appointments is a 50-50 chance. He is normally my first client of the day every like five weeks and he comes in rolling out of bed. He smells like weed and canned cheese. And not only is he just a hair cup, but he's also a beer trim,

so it's really gross. I do his wife's hair as well. And I love her. She's super sweet. She always shows up to her appointments on time. She's a superstar client. I love her. I know, though, if I do fire him as a client,

I'm going to probably lose her as well. And that would be sad. And I would kind of hate that because I really do like her. But I don't like being in this position of, you know, he shows up to his appointment and I have to charge him double a haircut, double a beard trim. I know I can do that. It's just uncomfortable.

I don't like that type of situation. I don't like being put in those situations. And he's putting me in those. And he seems nice, but he also just doesn't care, it seems like. And I just don't know what I should do in this situation. So if you guys want to help me, that would be. great. Wow. This guy seems like a fun time. Can't cheese and weed? Sign me up. He does and smelly and smelly. All I have to say is his wife definitely knows that he's smelly. Oh God. It smells like

weed and smells like cheese. She knows more than anybody. So I have a feeling that if you were to respectfully tell him, I'm so sorry, I can't have you being my first appointment of the day. I come in extra early and honestly you skip appointments you often don't smell that great it's a hard conversation but i don't think that the wife would then fire you too because she would say oh i know he smells and she's really a superstar client she would feel bad for you totally she exposed you to her smelly ass husband so i think that there is a world you have to you have to be very careful Actually, go to the wife. I take it all back.

Go to the wife and say, I have a problem here. My problem is that I love you. You are a superstar client of mine. I love working with your hair. You're fantastic. I think of you as family. I'm telling you this because I have a problem. Your husband smells like cheese.

Your husband smells like weed. Your husband cancels appointments on me. I don't know what to do. I really don't want to lose you, but I'm not really that comfortable working with him because he makes my life difficult. Yes. Love that.

Brilliant. Fantastic advice. I think, yeah. And I think, or if you want to do it in the passive way, you got to set them up for failure. And that means you set it up so that like you go, listen, I have a no cancellation policy. Okay. Pre-pay. We're going to pre-pay.

You don't cancel within 72 hours. Make it awful. Sick. 72 hours. You don't cancel within 72 hours? Sorry. You don't get your money back. Sorry. You know, all of a sudden, maybe that's going to be good for some other podhead, you know, lactose-obsessed clients of yours who are a little insensitive. Yeah. You know what I mean? Agreed. Absolutely. Beer trim and a haircut. That's also a good tactic. That's also a good tactic. Yeah, because you just got to be careful. But I agree. You appeal to this woman. I love you. This is getting a little hard. I'm losing out on money when he doesn't show up. What would you suggest I do?

Before we get to Weddia Nuts, I have a brief public service announcement. Great. I got a massage on Monday. It wasn't intended to be a massage. It was intended to, I don't know why I didn't think it was just like a sports masseuse, but I spoke to a trainer. I said that my hip was rather tight. And she said to me, you should go and see this person.

They will loosen your hips. Are your shoulders also tight? The answer is yes. I don't know, Josh, if you've ever seen. I'm not very flexible this way. Oh, I've seen. Oh, I've seen. I'm not very flexible this way.

And apparently that is connected to the hips. They're in cahoots with each other. So I get this massage and she massages two areas. And I wanted to mention them just in case there are other morons out there who are hunched over the computer. Maybe their hips are a little bit tight. These are things. I don't know how to pronounce it. The soas muscles.

You know it? The soaz. Okay. Soaz muscle. And the iliclius. Illicis. Okay. Do you know this one?

Okay. They're deep in the hip. It's not a, you'll go to a deep tissue massage. You'll get the best massage of your life. You'll feel great. But they're not going in. They're digging into the hip. So ask for them to rub the soaz.

And then the deep six external rotators. You know where those sit, you know where those sit, Josh? Tell me more. Where, man? They sit in your belly. Wow. Here. There are muscles on the front here.

They have to go deep. But all of a sudden, my arm was moving, moving, moving. I had more rotation than. than I've ever had after one session. Wow. So all I have to say is look deeper, folks, than just the deep tissue. Go to somebody that really knows the body. Because the muscles that are most important, apparently, are hidden.

Deeper tissue. There's deeper tissue than the eye can see. Marshall's going nuts back there. I see he's... I know. I know. It's right here. It's right.

Crazy. He's Googling masseuses right now. It's exactly. Exactly where I put my Ozempic needle. Well, you got backup over there. You know what I mean? It's a little clogged in that neighborhood because it's like... It is.

It's a funnel for that sugar-busting medicine of yours. It is. It is. So yeah. Do you have a what are you nuts? Nuts? I do. I do.

I do. I'm going to need to send you a photo. And we're going to need to somehow show this photo. But it's imperative to the story. My dad, as I think people know, has had some back issues, had back surgery, doing great. Goes to order a cane online because he wants a little extra support while he's healing. Goes to order a cane online. Picks at the cane, looks great.

Mahogany. He likes it. Oh, mahogany. He likes it on Amazon, gets it sent to the house. The cane arrives at the house. And Josh, I'm sending you a picture of my dad and the cane that my dad received. And I'd like you to show it to Marshall as well, because this is, what are you nuts? And you have to see it to believe it.

He ordered a regular cane on Amazon. And this is what came for this poor man. What? It's a, it's a, it's a bruised cane. It's the height of your dad. My dad is 5, 9, 510. This cane, this cane is 58. Like the handle is up here, up here on him.

I don't know how we'll show this picture, but we have to show the picture because you need to see the picture to truly understand. I was crying of laughter when he sent me this picture of him and a cane the same size as him this tall. And it's just like, what are you nuts? Like obviously it should say extra large cane.

Like this cane is only appropriate for Shaquille O'Neal. Yes. Nobody needs a cane. This is like the big man cane. The big man cane. This is not, canes are supposed to be one size fits all, right? Like an average size cane.

What is that height? Maybe three and a half, four feet is a cane size? Sure. Sure. Not six feet. That's nuts. That's like a novelty cane. That looks like a special order by carrot top.

It's a novelty cane. It's Karim Abduljabbarz. Imagine he accidentally paid like nine grand. Kareem Abduljabbar. I can hear Carrot Top right now at the Luxor going like, I already figured out what I'm going to do when Yao Ming turned 70. Everyone goes, you got them again, carrot. Oh my God. Man.

Nuts. I wonder if it Caratops family reunion should just call it a bushel. It's terrible. Not funny. Poor Marshall. Oh, so poor, poor Marshall. That'll be the name of today's episode. Okay, so my Woody and Nuts is just, it's just staying in conversations.

And because you're going to get baited into conversation sometimes. And you really got to find your way out of it. I have recently had three or four conversations with one person who basically was, was, giving me the elevator pitch about how they were creating a new crypto that I was crazy not to get into. I looked at the guy, I said, Sam Bankman-Fried just got 25 years. 25 years, sir. You are barking up the wrong tree. Then there was a woman who was telling me about how I should really give crystals a try.

That all my neck pain, all my TMJ, it's energy. I'm in. There's an imbalance. I got to ask, you know, the sky dwellers. I got to start, you know, carry, what am I, I'm going to carry around, Topaz. The only thing I carry around is my wallet, my keys, and my inhaler. Like, I have no room. Yes, I'm packing.

And I'm not going to, what am I going to roll with an amethyst? I mean, this is a crazy, crazy thing. So I just want to be able to, my answer is, what are you nuts to these conversations? And what are you nuts to me for not cutting this woman off instead of standing there for 20 minutes? Is she's telling me about the wonders of Jade? Is it that wonderful? And you know how to get out of it. I've taught you.

You know how. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry. I have to take this. Hello. Walk away. Right. Do the phone.

The phone can save you from any conversation that you don't want to be in. Yes. The phone can save your life. fake phone call can save lives. Another funny, it was going to be a Woody Units, but it's not really. So when I was flying back from Canada to L.A., I got pulled over for second screening. Have you ever gotten pulled over for second screening?

Additional screening? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. But like, have you ever, and like, were they rip? I'm always, I'm randomly selected. They look at me and they say terrorists. That's crazy. Like, I rarely.

Also, I forget, because I'm TSA pre-check, like I don't fly out of, of the country often. Like when you're pre-checked, they're pretty much just waving you through. By the way, I'm now realizing that hasn't happened to me since I got my TSA pre and my global entry and all my stuff. Now that I have all the cool credentials, they don't do that. But they used to, I used to get second screened. Continue.

So I randomly flying from Canada to L.A., I got second screened. And like, this is like, it was literally one of those where like the machine, like a red alert came off. The guy saw it. I see his eyes open. and he goes to his manager and goes, like, waves him over. And I'm like, oh, fuck. So now I'm being like, they're like,

would you like to be patted down in private or in public? I said, in public. Like, just go for it. Okay? This feels weirder if you and I are alone in a room making eye contact as you're cradling my best parts. Okay? So patting me down, sending everything through security again,

all my pegs and stuff. And then I realized that my son and I, We love to do international snack taste tests. So I was bringing home dozens of Canadian candy bars. Now I also lived in Canada for a year. So we were craving some of our favorite snackerunis. Me and my wife, me and my son. So I really stocked up, you know.

Let me tell you, when they opened up my bag, the shame. I wish there was a bomb in it. The shame, I felt like a kid in the movie heavyweights when they start going through the bunks. 800 chocolate bars fell out of my luggage in front of everyone in security. And I'm literally saying to anyone with an earshot, I do snack. No, I'm literally saying to anyone with an ear shot, I do international snack taste test with my five-year-old. I do international snack taste tests with my five-year-old. We love it.

We film it. And I don't post it, but we film it. What am I nuts? Anyway. Nuts, but so good. So good. Are you declaring that candy when you go through the border? Never.

Yeah. Who is declaring? You know, you go through customs, they're like, you have any bills? No. No. You buy anything there? Nope. Nothing.

Went there, bought nothing. Spent no money, never left the airport. Declare. Have no, have no, have no candy, nothing. Who's declaring? What schmuck? They should just call that the idiot department. Yeah, yeah.

They should declare. Take us home, Ben. Folks, where else are you going to get a podcast like this? Listen, Mondays and Thursdays, folks, Apple, Spotify, watch us on Josh's YouTube. You got to be able to see us and feel us. So watch us on YouTube. Yeah. Give us five stars.

Otherwise, what are you nuts? Share our clips with a friend. Look out. For merch, new merch is coming soon. We're very excited about it. And we'll see on the next one. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.