Good Guys - Marriage Confessions and The Dugout Dad Diaries

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

This week, Josh and Ben are making amends and introducing you to "The Dugout Dad Diaries." From the terrifying truth about how much we fear our wives' reactions when we're just trying to have a little fun, to navigating the wild world of youth sports- no parenting stone is left unturned. But it’s not all dad banter! The guys also break down the current state of award show hosting (is it just us, or are they getting harder to watch?), the surprising rise of polyamory in the US, weird smells, and some highly questionable online shopping habits. Grab a snack, get comfortable, and get into it- otherwise, what are ya nuts?! Love ya! Follow us on Instagram and TikTok!  Sponsors: Give them meals + snacks that are actually right for where kids are developmentally—balanced, intentional and made to support real growth. Go to littlespoon.com/GOODGUYS and enter code GOODGUYS for 30% off your first order. Give your body what it deserves with IM8! Go to IM8HEALTH.com/GOODGUYS and use code GOODGUYS for a Free Welcome Kit, five free travel sachets plus ten percent off your order.  Ollie. Feed the Obsession. Go to ollie.com/goodguys and use code goodguys to get 60% off your first box! Whether you’re just wanting to test an idea out, or you’re getting serious about launching your own brand - it’s never been easier to get started on shopify.com/goodguys. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. Produced by Dear Media. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Masa morons, welcome back to the Good Guys podcast. They just mean an official event to Ben's producer out there in Florida. Love you, Ben C. That was great. That was a heartfelt moment. Josh, yesterday I snuck away for about 75 minutes while Ruby Knapp to go and hit some golf balls. Claudia said, you know, go, you got it. Enjoy your time.

I go. I hit some golf balls. I come back. I had a great time. She says to me, how was it? You have fun? I said, fun. Short.

And I realize, Josh, I do this often. I think girls do this when you compliment their clothes. It's always, oh, you look beautiful. They're like, oh, yeah, it's for marshals. It's like, just take the fucking compliment. With me, it's fun, short. I always have to throw in a little negative just so that she doesn't think I had too much fun.

Josh, do you do this as well? Why do I do this? Why do we do this? What's wrong with us? Why can't I just say I had fun? I 100% do it too, and it's all our wives' fault. Go to the intro. Two Jews, both big and tall, no subject, too small for the good guys.

A mother's dream, premium podcast team, make it your weekly routine, it's a good guys. And if you don't give us five stars, what are you nuts? What are you nuts? Yeah, we're the good guys. We're just a good and we're back. It's because I'm straight up scared of my wife. I'm straight up scared about it. And I talked about this with another married man in my life who I can't say whom

because he's even more scared of his wife and I don't want her to get mad. Bro, let's just talk openly, dog. I'm, okay, women of the world, partners of the world, wonderful people of the world. I'm going to speak openly knowing that I may get criticized here. and I'm welcoming feedback. But let's have the conversation. If I go to have fun, that's one thing, which is rare, rare, rare. But even if I go to work, if I need to go on a work trip that is 24 to 36 hours,

I know when I get home, I'm going to be punished. Yeah. Why is that? We've talked about it, Ben, before. I know you're afraid to say it, but we have. No, I'm not. I don't know what it is. I think, I don't know, but I can tell you that there is something in,

and I think I'm scarred from it. I actually think Claudia wishes that I had a great time when I went away for those 75 minutes. I think that on the two-day work trip, for sure, she doesn't want to hear that I had fun. No way, no way. But I would like to personally work on myself and be able to say, I had a great time

and not be worried that somehow that means that she'll be upset by it. I don't know why, but the fact that you have it and other people have it too, It must just be a universal truth that we're afraid to tell our wives that we had fun when we're not with them. That's what it is. And I want to say, I have more fun. Of course, when I'm doing something fun with my wife.

But to go in a couple of golf balls is nice. It's nice. I loved it. It was relaxing. It was fun. Yeah. I had fun. But you're not at that point yet.

I mean, you will when you have a couple kids and you've been in the trenches for years. Because I'm sure right now when you get home from a trip, you're like desperate to just get in as much ruby time as you can. And I'm that way with my kids too. But I will have that work trip. And it's not a madman style work trip. Okay. We're not doing martinis at three in the hotel lobby and hookers at nine. Okay?

Yeah. I'm at the courtyard Marriott. I'm eating protein bars. Self-inflicted. I have to do. Fucking A-right. Because these kids be expensive, dog. Totally.

$350 in Little League equipment I had to buy the other day. It's nuts, but Dix had a nice 20% off. I love Dix. I love Dix. But me and my friend, I swear he saw my friend. my brother-in-law. We were talking about this the other day. Like, I will literally, like, fly out the night before and on the red eye.

I'll get there at 6 a.m. We've talked about this. I'll go crash at the airport hotel. I'll eat some protein bars. I'll wake up. I'll work out really quick. I'll shower. I'll head to the talk.

I'm about to go talk at Sacred Heart University. I'll maybe have, like, a good bite maybe. Like, I'll go grab dinner after by myself, usually. and then I'll go to bed and I'll be on like literally the dumb, you know, break a dawn 5.30 a.m. flight that you have to wake up at 3.30 for and I'm like right back in the mix. And I do feel at times like when you come home, your wife has to make you understand how exhausting it was being the the one who had to handle everything. And I don't doubt it. But I'm also like, I did everything in my like, can't we just go back to baseline? Do we have to be at a deficit?

it. That's my thought. Yeah, especially because you were working. Like, and that's the hardest part. It's like, you're not, you're not traveling to go see Japan. You're working. You're sleeping in a courtyard, saving money, doing a gig, and working. It's hard. I think that at this point, uh, Claudia knows that when I do work travel, it really is 100% necessary. And I think she cuts me more now that she knows that. I do used to feel like she thought it wasn't necessary. And what sometimes perceived is unnecessary,

like to your point, I would go to, let's say we're going to a Sprit Society production and we're making a new flavor. And I have to stay there for a couple of days because you have to try multiple versions. You also have to meet the people that are literally making your blend.

You're spending tens of thousands to $100,000 making a product. You want to make sure that the people that are blending and aren't putting their dirty sock and spitting in it. You want to be nice to them. You want to tip them. You want to meet these people. Like sometimes there's networking involved in these things too. Going to a dinner, sure, you could run home or you could maybe have the opportunity to have a dinner with a studio exec or have a dinner or have a dinner with a director or further your career because of one dinner.

So whatever. It's a long way of saying, yeah, I'm definitely afraid. and I was afraid to say that I was, that I had fun for 75 minutes one playing golf, so I have to look inward. Because I don't think that's her fault. I think that actually is my fault. Maybe it was her fault at one point, for sure. But today, my, that's my problem.

I got to get over it. I got to get over it. Yeah, I agree. And I can take ownership in that way, too, which is just like, I think it's codependency. Josh, you know what's dark? The aftras. They dropped the sad. And they went to after award.

No, it wasn't the aftras. I think it's called the actors. Oh, I thought it was the SAG AFRA Awards. Yes, the SAG afterwards, but haven't they renamed it the actors? I thought I heard they named it just the AFRas. Drop the SAG. They wouldn't, because that would make it the American Federation of TV Radio Artists Awards. Okay, so you think they just renamed it the actor and I misheard them?

Yes, because the name of the award is the ACTA. actor and I also got invited to an actors award party. Okay, so then it's definitely the actors. Okay, the actors award. I tried to watch, sorry, Josh, okay? I tried to watch this Drek on Netflix. Oh my God. And I love Kristen Bell.

She's awesome. So funny. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, one of my favorite movies ever. Ever, because of how great she is. You shallot, you're from London. She's so good, and he's so good. Before he was a loony tune. But she's so good, Josh.

And let me tell you, that little opening musical number, did you see the musical number? Where she talks about shortening people's names. She put on, it was like a three and a half minute Broadway style, sharing that some actors shorten their names and if we could pick we would change their names it was so bad

like embarrassingly bad writing like the least funny so so terrible I don't want to attack writing because I'm sure like they got an incredible group of writers who took their best stab at making something that is impossible to make good because it's just every award show is a vehicle in which to sell ads

and make the producers of set award show more money. They're too often. They should be like the World Cup. We should do them every four years. I think it just becomes meaningless where everything, every year there's like a track for award season. And before we know it, Like the awards movies for this year are going to drop in four months.

Yes. And we're right back at it. And so I just think the level of pretension that is allowed in these circles of artists is, I think it's wearing thin on the audience at large. I'm not sure people are into it. This episode of The Good Guys podcast is brought to you by our friends at IM8. Folks, it's always when you stop doing something that you realize. how much it mattered. Oh, isn't that true? I've been taking IMA8 for a while, feeling great,

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S-P-O-O-N dot com slash Good Guys with code Good Guys for 30% off your first order. I was just looking to try and find one of the jokes that she's made. And look, I'm not trying to clown on the writers if that's not something. Look, I'm not in the beds, okay?

So if that's not a thing, we don't clown on writers. Whoever wrote these, Josh, it was like, Ted Denson should change his name to Ted Dan. daughter. Right. Awful. No, like, like I swear it was,

I was having a physical episode. I was embarrassed watching her do this. And they had a PowerPoint of it. It's a dancing cross daughter. Horrible. Horrible. You know why else,

and this isn't a, this is not a jab at Kristen Bell who's amazing is Kristen Bell is a how do you say it she's a really funny comic performer but she's not a comedian no right so she needs someone brilliant to write for her which by the way is like a handful of some of the greats right um but i think that's why someone like Nikki crushes the golden globe so hard because she's a comic first she's spending a month or probably more in the clubs testing this material. So so much goes into it beforehand, so much R&D that on the night, she's like,

these jokes work. And if they don't, it's you. It ain't the joke. Because I just did it at the OR. I did it at fucking Zanis, Alberta. I did it at Yuck Yuck Yucs, you know, Birmingham. And the people were dying. And so that's powerful.

But when you have someone who has to, I'm sure. she had input but has to lean on writers who are not to perform it's it's just a hard balance you're right it's not quite right there was no way of testing it so i will say because you're right the writers whoever wrote it was bad but the problem before that problem is that she didn't write it probably no way she wrote that it's impossible like it was so not funny and she's so funny so i just can't imagine that she would have thought of that but yeah but yeah Yeah, if you're going to be a host, you should be a comedian that writes jokes for a living that's really great, focuses on their craft, or you should honestly be a podcaster, a radio

host, a person whose life is improv, somebody who just gets up there and is always just jabbing away. I feel like we often try to put people in these roles that maybe they didn't belong in. You'll see like somebody, oh, like a guest host for the Oscars, or you'll even like in an NBA game they'll bring in a coach to do color commentary there's a reason he's a coach not a color commentary because he's not good at color commentary but he's great at coaching it's like why do we do that i don't know i don't see color so i just i think it's just commentary um but i yeah man it's i've also heard what do you think of this that comedians have said you let us host your award shows

you just don't give us the awards and it's it was relating to the fact that, like, Jim Carrey should have won an Academy Award for the Mask. Yeah. Without a doubt, unquestionably. Like, Johnny Depp should have won an Academy Award for the first Pirates of the Caribbean. Like, Jack Sparrow. Dun, dunan, dunna, dunna, dunna, dunna, dunna. Yeah.

It was so brilliant, so good. Like, there's so many instances of great comedic performances that will never be rewarded. Because it's just, I don't know, is it not pretentious enough? Is it not artsy enough? I don't know. I think that comedians never get respect, and I don't know why. I don't know why a funny movie is automatically of three on Rotten Tomatoes.

I think about that all the time. Everybody loves Sandler's movies. You love Billy Madison. It's impossible that you didn't, yet it probably has a 30 on Rotten Tomatoes. Happy Gilmore probably has a 20 on Rotten Tomatoes. Like, why just because it's not serious? can you not give it?

Like, what is it? I don't know. It's the same thing to me, though. Comics never get respect in the eyes of other fellow actors. Unless they play both. Unless you're a Steve Carell where you're able to play both.

Unless you're a Robin Williams where you're able to play both. But somebody who's just a funny man, no respect. None. And by the way, that probably pushed Adam Sandler to do things like Spanglish,

which for me was not my cup of tea. I think there are plenty of people maybe that liked him in a serious role. I didn't need him in a serious role. You don't love uncut gems? I do. I was just about to say, I don't know why I brought up Spanglish before I brought up uncut chips.

Very good, for sure. And I'm happy that he got redemption from Spanglish in a serious movie where he was better. He's beloved in Spanglish. Spanglish is schmaltzy. Okay, so they love it. The people love it. I don't mean to be like a movie, you know, you know, Mr. Movies.

About this. I'm Mr. should have seen the movie. Have you never seen as good as it gets? Josh, I just lied to you. I haven't seen uncut gems. Oh, boy. Oh, Ben.

This is your problem. Let's have it out. This is an intervention. Ben C. Producer, can you go in tight on Ben, please? We're going to need to put another tape on the reel. We're going to have to double up the hard drives. Thank you.

Ben, this was good. When can I look out? When can I look out? Never. It's, you know what, Ben, you talk with such conviction, but you know so little. No, I'm kidding. Whoa. Okay.

I immediately owned it. I owned it. Yeah, I've never seen Uncutt Gems. Adam Sandler, dude, is a badass dramatic actor, and you do need him. I'm sure you've never seen Punch Drunk Love, which was his first. It was P.T. Anderson of one battle after another. He's probably going to win the Academy Award this year. Punch Shrunk Love.

was like, it's Adam Sandler, Luis Guzman, brilliant, and a brilliant British actress whose name is escaping me and it shouldn't, and I apologize, she's fantastic. And Philip Seymour fucking Hoffman, bro. And Samler is so good at it. We're going to start with Uncut Jems.

Why didn't you see that? It's the ultimate movie for us. I know, I know. I just missed it. I just missed it. You ready for this? It's Yids. Yeah. It's Diamond District shit.

And the whole subplot is basketball. It's Kevin Garnett. He's an insane gambling addict. It's like he's obsessed with the Knicks. There's all these Knicks in it. It's my movie. I got to watch it. Bro, how have you not fucking seen on Kachems?

That's crazy. I miss it. That's why I lied. I'm embarrassed. You got to see. You'll love it. I should have seen it. I will see it.

But back to what I was originally saying. Okay. Yes. Sandler, I'm sure what did he get on Rotten Tomatoes for Uncut Gems? 99. Something big, big time rotten tomatoes. Not that the tomato meter you live and die by, but I just know that Billy Madison, at least for me, was a comedy that shaped my youth. I could not have watched that movie more.

It was so funny and somehow in the eyes of the critics, just not a funny movie. Um, should we get to some weird news? Please. I love weird. Weirdness. Strange stuff. What's going on in Alberta? Oh, well, did you know that New York is among the top five most polyamorous states as three and ten Americans now prefer open relationships? Here's how they make it work. New Yorkers are in a lusty state of affairs. With wintery temperatures below freezing and snow piling up to their eyeballs, the Randy residents of the Big Apple and beyond are turning up the heat with polyamory. That's right. New York. York is now the top five most polyamorous state in the U.S.

Couples and singles in New York are the fifth most interested in having poly relationships, often overlapping with the LGBTQ plus and kink communities. The city is their perfect place for couples looking to open up their relationship. And yeah, investigators also found that searches relating to poly relationships in New York have surged 5,000 percent in the past 30 days. they want to have multiple consensual romantic relationships. It's also known as Poly Fidelity, which is an account I just opened up for my kid scholarship fund. And yeah, basically people don't want to have exclusively canoodling with just one person.

I need to know. So at first when you were reading this, I was like, hmm, that's interesting. And then I need to know what percentage of this is gay men. I wonder. Well, do you want to know the top 20 U.S. states? for poly dating. You ready for this? Yes, I do. One, Texas.

Okay. Two, California, three, Florida, four, Georgia, five, New York. You know what I'm getting? Affluence. These are rich states. But I'm not going to lie, they're not giving gay states necessarily. So my brain, it immediately went out the window. Why aren't they put California, New York, super progressive? California, New York, for sure. But like Texas and Georgia, I don't think of like big gay, right?

Like, I think like Big Gay New York for sure, for sure. And I just think that culturally it's just a little bit different. Like when you're a gay man in a relationship, it's not frowned upon to have a polyamorous relationship. It's not frowned upon typically to bring somebody else in. I think that in straight culture, it's a much harder thing to, I at least haven't seen it. We've spoken about this before. Not only have I not personally seen it done, but if it's done, it's typically the, the beginning of the end. Totally the beginning of the end. I think like as and this is just my

assumption that because it's, I think in the straight community use the moniker of polyamory more. I would guess because it because there's such like this classic ideal that is not present anymore, so they would more title it and have open, more of an open situation where I think other communities are more fluid about it and maybe wouldn't title it. So that's why I'm not surprised that it's Texas and Georgia. Sure. Sure. Yeah. It wouldn't be news unless it was straight people doing this. Interesting, Josh. I'm sure it's a mix, but I would imagine, I've had friends, to your point, do it. And it's always a harbinger of like they were going to divorce, but they pushed it off

a year because they just tried hooking up with other people. Yeah. Interesting. I mean, What, what, I gotta have another woman mad at me? Because I went to, uh, to go golf for a minute. Can I have a minute? You get home from your business trip in the morning and they're both on the couch. Oh my God. I'm like, this is not worth the sex. Josh, did you have fun?

No. Never. I don't know. I think your answer will be the same as mine. And we can cut this if you want. But let's just do a total hypothetical, okay? Okay. You are, your partner, your spouse, let's just make it an imaginary spouse is okay with opening up the relationship to a third, to a woman.

And so now you're able to have a wife and a girlfriend. And you leave for a business trip one day and you come home to find out that your girlfriend and your wife were hooking up while you were gone. How do you feel? Great. Power to them. That's fun. Sure. Yeah.

Why not? Have fun. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. Honestly, it makes me think. better of both of them. It means I'm not holding them hostage.

We're a family. It's great. I love it. We are family, aren't we? Yeah, we're family. Good on you guys. Good on you guys for having a little fun. Going tangoing,

tangoing salsa dancing. I don't know. Have fun. Doing the naked tango. Well, did you know that there is a spike? in Earth vibrations that could be scrambling brains with bizarre ringing noise. Bad, bad, bad vibrations? A weather watchdog has reported an uptick in Earth's hum-like heartbeat,

raising concerns that it could be affecting people's brains. Known as Schumann Residence, I'm sorry. Known as Schumann Resonance, this natural electromagnetic frequency creates waves in the gap between Earth's surface and the ionosphere. Imagine it was the ionosphere. It's just like Ionosphere. How easy is that? You just always hear how easy is that.

Oh my God. So yeah, man. Chicken liver moose. Jeffrey. Crazy. So yeah, have you been hearing any humming? I wanted to bring that up because I was like, if anyone's hearing humming, it's been. I definitely hear some things sometimes, for sure.

I hear some things. I hear high-pitched frequencies. I hear dark thoughts. I hear things. I hear things, Josh. I do. Speaking of, I've wanted you, you forgot to mention this, and we talked about it over the phone because I want to hear about the great Bruce.

Because first of all, no new updates were now, what, 30 days out from sadly Nancy Guthrie, Savannah Guthrie's mother gone missing. And by the time this comes out, also something could have come up. So I'm just, you know, giving that caveat. But so tragic. And I know that it's elicited some things. fear in Bruce, right? It has. Yeah, my dad has called me on multiple occasions asking if he should fear for being

captured. And what I say to him is yes, yes, you are susceptible to capture. You are far too willy-nilly with who you pick up the phone, how you pick up the phone, what information you give them, where you are. And all that I can say is pause off, okay? Pause off. You don't I don't want him, okay? Even though he'll cook you a beautiful spread, okay? He'll make you fantastic food. You know, honestly, you do want him. I'm just trying to make it seems that he wouldn't be a great person to capture.

He's ideal, Josh. A chef? You're capturing a living chef? He's great. It's fantastic. He can't help you move anything, though. Nothing. You have something that needs to be moved?

He can't help you move it. He can't. He walks very carefully, slowly, Slowly, he cannot drive. He will not be chauffeering you anywhere. So if you capture him, though, he's the perfect person to capture and keep in your house. Benjamin, should I be scared?

Benjamin. Should I be scared, Benjamin? The other day, I was at the incinerator and I got a weird look, Benjamin, from 16E. I didn't like it, Benjamin. First Nancy, then who? Huh? Me?

They're calling the Upper East Side, the Tucson of New York City. He really was scared. And in the same breath that he's telling me he's scared. He's like, yeah, I just met two lovely fans. They came up to me. They recognized me as your dad. I'm like, this is the problem.

This is it. This is how it starts. That's so good. This episode of the Good Guys podcast is brought to you by our friends at Shopify. Folks, you know we love Shopify here at the Good Guys podcast. I use Shopify. It's Sprit Society. just had an amazing new product launch with Keels where we sold direct to consumer on Shopify

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And the way to plan ahead is to go to Shopify.com slash Good Guys and make it happen today. It doesn't matter where you're at in your entrepreneurial journey. Just do something. Shopify is there to make your life and selling journey easier. This episode of The Good Guys podcast is brought to you by our friends at Ollie. Folks, 91% of dog parents say their pup is an important member of their family. And 40% would even save their dog over. a human stranger.

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You'll get your money back. That's Ali, O-L-L-I-E.com slash good guys and enter code good guys to get 60% off your first box. Ollie, feed the obsession. Josh, I have a random. question for you. What's thing, what's one thing you instantly notice when you walk into somebody else's home? The smell. Okay. What, like, tell me, what is it, like, don't you notice that even if it's a nice smell, every home, like, the only house that doesn't have a smell is my house, because I live in it. Yes. And I, everyone's house has a smell. And, like, growing up, like,

my friend my friend Lenshaus smelled like Russian cold cuts because that's what his parents were buying so yeah

everything there's always an overpowering scent isn't it I don't know when when it happens when you realize that your parents also have a smell that's different now

from your smell I used to be that smell but now I have my smell and when I go to my parents house into my parents fridge around my parents I'm reminded of that smell and it's a nostalgic smell but it's no longer my smell with when does that happen I guess when you move out fascinating yeah no it's uh yeah you have like this overpowering thing now I smell like Joe Malone babe or like Eve St. Laurent loam noir but um before I probably smelled like, you know, Cheetos and snack wells. Cheetos and snack wells. That's sort of a hundred

percent and maybe a little bit of cumin. There's just a drop of cumin in my parents' fridge, too. Now, I don't wear anything, Josh. I don't wear a scent. I wear nothing. I'm just, I'm just freeing me. Like you didn't do a lot of dating, but in my 20s, my 20s were peppered with basically bad bath and bodyworks candles and Michael Coors perfume. I can't even go into a Michael Coors anymore. I get triggered. I start thinking about Michelle. I think about Diana.

It's crazy because I'm like, guy, you guys are all wearing the same scent? I have that memory trigger. Whenever I'm around somebody that smells like axe or old spice, I'm transported to camp. Just these kids dousing themselves. Just like, God forbid you do any laundry. just dousing yourself in acts body spray.

It's disgusting. It's so yucky. So yucky. Josh, I have one more random question for you. What's one thing you'll never return even if you hate it? I don't really return food to the grocery store, except if it's produce that I've brought home and it's immediately bad. Like there were a couple good pieces on top and the rest of the berries are for shit.

I'll go in there and be like, you can't carry this. but I don't return a lot to the grocery store. You? Only if it's on Instacart. If Instacart delivers me, which they've been doing recently, rotten fruit, everybody should know this tip. You can go in, take a picture, and they'll refund you immediately.

You don't have to go back there. You don't have to show them the fruit. Like, go into the store. You just take a picture in the app and you do it. I will never return anything that I bought online, which is why I don't shop online. Because if I get it, I have convinced myself that I don't know how to return it.

Even if there's a prepaid shipping label, even if I have the bag, even if I just have to drop it off at UPS, I've convinced myself. I can't do it. So I don't shop online. Yesterday, Claudia, is like, why don't you buy any clothing online? I went to Vince. When was the last time you were in a Vince? I'm Vince and Theory Man.

This is it. Vince is it. I forgot how great their clothing fits me. Now that I'm a little bit slimmer, just a little bit. Oh, this stuff looks fantastic. Shout out Vince. I want the free goods. Shout out Vince.

Love Vince. Vince is fantastic. But yeah, I could buy Vince online. I could probably get a better deal online. Nope. Boutique only. So I have some really bad news for you. There's going to be a video of me coming out in the next three to six months,

getting punched out by a little league father. Okay. because Max has started playing Little League and I am one of the coaches also known as the prestigious dugout dad. I created that moniker. I'm the dugout dad. I'm the D&D.

I'm double D. Love it. And I don't have issues with the other team. I don't have issues with the other parents. I have issues with our team and the seven-year-olds on said team. and I have a real hard time holding my tongue and I know that there's going to be a dad

who's going to say, don't talk to my fucking kid and I'm going to be like, well, maybe you should be a better parent and they're going to put my head through a fence. When you first told me that, I thought,

I was like, I haven't seen you with a Shiner. I thought you already got beaten up. I'm happy that you haven't. But yeah, that's tough. I'm excited for you though. That's fun being a dugout dad.

You should bring like, snacks and drinks. You should bring one of those big gatorade coolers. That's the women's job. Just kidding. Totally. I love a big jug of gatorade. Isn't that great?

And you can do as much dilution as you won't put in a little bit of water. They'll never know. Give them a nice little rich cracker with peanut butter. What are those called those little crackers with the peanut butter? Fantastic. Those are great snacks, ballpark snacks. Maybe bring in, okay, next time I'm in L.A., you tell me when a game is I'm going to show up with a hot dog stand. Love it.

It's so flipping cute, and they're really playing, like, they're going up in a level. It's becoming more competitive. But, you know, the dugout dad needs to, like, get everyone on deck and ready to go. So we keep the game moving. Like, okay, so this guy's on deck, and then the guy after him, like, warm it up. Yes. So, of course, every team, you have one kid who's, like, a little. bit of a Rudy, right? A little bit of a Josh Peck completely not great at sports. And this is the kid

who you banned behind because they're never going to succeed in sports, but maybe they do a startup later and they give you money, you know? You never know. You don't know, right? You don't know. So you look out for this kid. So I feel a real kinship with the kid on our team who needs a little help. He's fine, but he's not the best. And the kids are so competitive. that they'll scream at this kid because he's not playing correctly. And that don't work for me, brother. That don't work for me. So I immediately told the kids, they said, hey, listen, if you're going to say anything to a teammate, it's something positive.

Okay, we're not going to scream anything negative, especially at the one kid who's struggling the most. Then there's this one kid. He was going up to bat, but the kid in front of him struck out three outs. Okay, now it's our turn to go field. He didn't like that. He didn't like that his turn had been intercepted by the other team. He walks in front of me.

He goes, it was my turn. He throws his hat and his glove at my feet in the dirt. When there was three outs? Does he know the rules? He was excited. Okay. Little guy was excited. Okay.

Was it like top of the ninth situation? He's not going to get in it bat? It was the second. Okay, you're going to come up next inning, dummy. That's what you should have said to him. Hey, hey, idiot. Do you understand the rules of baseball? He gets to lead off next inning.

No pressure, no nothing. You strike out, no problem. You're not the bad guy here. Learn the rules. I need you. I need you there, bro. Because, first of all, so what do I do in this situation? I immediately look at the father as though you're going to,

handle this or what, right? I just give him a look. I want to see what he's going to do. Father does donut, nothing, zip zero. So I'm a man and I need to protect my manness, even with a seven-year-old. Listen, I'm not going to be disrespected, okay? So I just look at the kid and I go, what am I going to do with that? I wish you were here to dab me up. By the way, that's good. That's good. What am I going to do with that? That's a great response.

What did he say? He looked at me like the wall that I am. And he picked his shit up. What? Ignore that? This is sports. This is where we teach kids how to be good people. Totally.

Schmucko. What an idiot. And somebody needs to teach him the rules. Like, why we, you're on a baseball team. and you don't know the rules? You're coming up next. It's great. Who you?

Idiot. Idiot. Gosh. What parents need to understand about sports is statistically, none of these kids will ever play in the majors. No. Statistically, one of them will play high-level college sports. Statistically, a couple of them will make their high school team. So what you know you can do here for sure is help make your kid a great person.

And sports is an unbelievable way of teaching them. Teamwork, grit, discipline, showing up, being accountable, you know, self-improvement, and like about the important things in life. And like if you miss that opportunity and you just care about their hit count, you're missing it. It's also got to be what you're doing at home. Like, if you're the parents of a really gifted player, right, you can still be a really gifted player playing with other kids if there isn't so much pressure coming down from somewhere else

that those kids are worse than you. Right. Like, otherwise you wouldn't know. You'd just be better. But you wouldn't be comparing yourself and thinking, like, oh, I'm so much better. I should be on a different team than these kids who really aren't good at this sport. Like, it's not all about that.

If you really are that good, you should probably be in one league that's with your friends, where you're doing all the things that you're talking about, you're having a great time, you're learning about life. And then if you're really that good, AAU, or whatever the equivalent is. Or for me, just A.A. Where you are on the path to greatness. Great. But don't force that on a regular.

Little League. It's supposed to be fun. It doesn't mean you shouldn't know the rules. That's why I said what I said. That kid bugging out that he's not going to get a turn, it's the second inning. Know the rules. You should know the rules. You should play within the rules. If you're not good at baseball, all right, maybe pick up another sport. But if you're trying and if you're having a good time, you belong there. Now, tell me this, because I'm dying to know, and this is the sanctuary of secrets. This is where you're safe. You've now been in Florida for a couple months.

Yes. We know the family. You miss your family. I know. That's easy. Honestly, do you miss the city? Are you missing aspects of the city? Are you kind of just loving, you know, being able to play golf, wear shorts, and, you know, drive the beautiful Ruby around?

It's so interesting. It's the same relationship, I think, that I have with. So it's two things. First, I definitely miss the city. I miss my friends in some regard. Do I miss the current city? I don't know. I might be longing for a city that doesn't even exist.

Like I might be longing for experiences that don't exist. Friends availability that doesn't exist. So I'll put that to the side. The same thing that I said about Claudia, where I got home from 75 minutes of the driving range, she said, how was it? And I said, oh, you know, it was great, but quick. It's the same thing with my parents.

It's the same thing with my sister. It's the same thing with my friends. I feel very guilty saying it's awesome. I feel very guilty saying it's awesome. I will always say in one breath, it's amazing. The weather is amazing, but the truth is, it's amazing. That doesn't negate the fact that the city when it's really nice out, even in the winter.

If you're in the state of mind where you're not going to be inconvenienced by the snow, you're going to go and take your son out to have a snowball fight, then winter in Manhattan is fucking awesome. Okay? Like, no question. But for my current state of life, spending a couple months in Florida with a very, very young son, was the greatest thing ever.

Yeah. It was. It was. There's nothing better. I could walk him around in a stroller in beautiful weather. In the city, he'd be in my apartment. For him, it was 150,000 times better. I don't think he would have gotten any vitamin D yet.

Like, seriously. It was a horrible winter in New York for a baby. It would have been a really fun winter in New York for Max. I think Max would have had a lot of fun. Going on sleds, snowball fights, you have a day off from school. like the five, six, seven, that really fun. The call to prayer in Times Square. No, I'm sorry.

And it just, for our current life, it was awesome. It was great. And I should be less apologetic about it. Yeah, own it, babe. I love him. So happy for you. It was great. Thank you.

Yeah, it was really, really fun. And Florida in general, it's just people love to shit on it. I guess the same way that I used to shit on California as a state. For sure. I think we just do it and I really think we do it as New Yorkers where we can't possibly admit that anywhere can also be great. It's us or nothing. That's how we're raised.

And I love it. I love that grit. I love that we're the best city. We have the best sports fans. We've the best kids. We've the best, like the best. But that's how New Yorkers are trained. And the second that you leave New York, it is.

The second that you leave New York, you're like, oh, you know, maybe I was hoodwinked a little. Maybe other places are kind of awesome. Maybe it's not a detriment to live near a functional body of water. Like, maybe it's nice. Yeah. Yeah. So. I know what you mean.

It's the things that are installed in us. Like my son's Little League team are the rain. and now that I'm the official double D, my wife was like, oh, you should get like a Rangers, like a Texas Rangers baseball cap. So you look like part of the team. And I said, over my dead body, will I ever wear a Texas Rangers baseball cap? God willing, Ruby grows up, loves basketball as much as me and has fun with it. And he loves players, right?

Then he can get a certain players jersey. because I used to do that. That was fun. You're not rooting for the team. I was a Dwight Howard fan. I got a Dwight Howard jersey. I'm not an Orlando Magic fan. I had those fatheads.

You remember fatheads? I had a fucking Dwight Howard. It's honestly so weird. I had a life-sized Dwight Howard on my ceiling. Wow. Honestly, all I can think about now is it's life-size. I just had a seven-foot Dwight Howard. on my ceiling when I was like 10.

Can you imagine it of a Shaq? Good night, Shaq. Good night, little Benny. I love you, Ben. Imagine they spoke. That's hysterical. That's a kid's movie. I'm going to gift you a couple of wing stops.

Mr. Shaq, my family doesn't have any money. We don't know how we're going to survive and pay the bills. I'm going to give you a wing stop. Your bills are going to. be paid with lemon purple. I got a shit. I got a boo-boo. Take me off the saline.

I got a duty. Should we get to what are you nuts? Big and tall, whatever, sticking in your craw. Josh, what do you got? The other day I was at the Kings game, as I mentioned. Shout out. Thanks for having me.

And the valet guy was classic. And he goes, it was almost like that S&L sketch. He goes, oh, damn, dog. you know, yo, you remember Drake and Josh? Yeah, he goes, word, you remember that shit? I was like, yeah, I remember he's like, you don't remember it. I was like, no, I was there. Like it sort of defined my life for the last 25 years.

He goes, shut up. You don't remember. Yo, I love that shit. I was like, what are you nuts? But also, thank you. Like, yo, you remember Drake and Josh? I was like, yeah, I do. That's so funny.

I was at dinner last night, and the waitress just kept doing, I've never experienced this before. She's telling me the specials, I'm listening. My phone is face up, and I'm getting a call from my sister. And she says, oh, you're getting a call. You want to take that? No. What do you mean? Why are you looking at my phone and why are you at it?

Well, it's flashing. No, it was just up. It wasn't flashing. Like, it's like a, it's not ringing. It's just face up. It was weird. If I saw that, I'd be like, you're getting a call. Yeah, even as a waiter.

If you didn't notice, because I think it was Pavlovian for the waiter. They're so used to seeing that screen. You think she just like, she caught it out of the corner of her eye. She saw it and she just had to say something. I don't know. I thought it was so strange. But maybe you're right. Maybe I'm nuts.

Maybe it's not that weird. I'll try and think of another what are you nuts. No, that's good. That's, maybe I'm nuts. No, maybe, I don't know. I just thought it was so strange. Like, you're, like, I don't know. Like, how do you know it's an important call?

How do you know anything about me or my calls or anything? Like, my phone should have been faced down. I just thought it was weird. I don't know. I think it's very courteous. Like, I think she was saying, like, it was a little bit of over-carrying, but it was like, I can come back. because if you need to take that,

like don't not take that on my account. You know, maybe you're right. And so the what are you nuts is me. I have a perfectly lovely waitress who's here. She's so courteous that she asks if I need more time so I can take a phone call while she's in the middle of doing the specials. I'm nuts. What am I nuts?

Great. Folks, you're nuts if you don't give this episode five stars. What are you nuts? Listen to us wherever you get your podcast. And rate, okay? Rate review and subscribe. Give us five stars. We're going to read a five-star review every episode.

Fantastic, excellent, gorgeous, all words that Ben uses in his daily vernacular to describe just about anything that brings him joy. And all words that describe his chemistry and banter with Josh. I would also add electric and hysterical. It's a 10 out of 10. Wow, gorgeous, folks. Mondays and Thursdays, we will see you. Bada-b-b-b-ba-ba-ba.

Next time.