Good Guys - Nick Viall Got Married and Josh Got Attacked
Episode Date: May 13, 2024Podcaster, TV star, friend and steak-cooker Nick Viall joins the Good Guys this glorious Monday! They discuss read receipts, chiropractors in the airport, Nick's dating app secrets, Nick's wedding, th...e nuances of honey, and they answer your speakpipes! Enjoy morons! If not, what are ya nuts?!?! Leave us a voicemail here! Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. Sponsors: Carawayhome.com/goodguys or code GOODGUYS10 at checkout for 10% off your first purchase Drinklmnt.com/goodguys for a free LMNT sample pack with any DRINK MIX purchase Signos.com code GOODGUYS for 20% off select plans Helix is offering UP TO 30% OFF all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to HelixSleep.com/GoodGuys Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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The following podcast is a dear media production.
I'm Josh Peck.
And I'm Ben Sauffer.
And we're the good guys.
There's a lot of guys out there.
And we're the good ones.
Mazumorons, welcome back to the Good Guys podcast.
I'm sitting here with my co-host, Tom Sandeval's manicurist, Ben Soffer.
Thank you very much for having me.
You know, I had a lot of things that I could have been doing today and I decided to spend it with you.
And we also have an incredible guest.
Please, Ben, take it away.
Nick Vile.
We were just on The Vial Files.
What a wonderful.
show and a beautiful studio or Nick's studio. Thank you for letting us use it. Thank you for coming.
Is this your guys, how many times you guys record in person together? We record in person like
50% of the time. 50. Oh, okay. Sometimes I would say I'd give it a more of a third. I would say 33.3%
okay. It's a solid number. Yeah, we do our best considering we're bicostal, but we learned on the
vial files that Nick is 8% Jewish. Wow. And I think that our listeners needed to know that.
According to 23 and me.
I think they needed to know that.
Well, 23 and me also recently had a data leak.
Sorry, they recently had a data leak.
I heard it was kind of pointed at the Jewish.
Oh, it might have been Astro and,
Entrastory.com.
Yeah.
It was one of those.
It was a targeted Jewish.
It's a really, really fucked up thing to get leaked.
Yeah.
Wait, what happened?
I think it was just, you know what?
I have no idea.
Okay, cool.
But we know that it was anti-somatic.
That's what it was.
That's all we have to do.
The great Neil Brennan, who's been on our podcast before, you know, the comedian, Neil Brennan.
He said, you know, the problem with you choose is that you think everyone's out to get you.
And your other problem is everyone's out to get you.
He said, Neil, yeah, you're right.
Well said.
Absolutely.
Speaking of out to get you, these chiropractors, that's what we were talking about before.
These chiropractors are out to get me.
I see them on TikTok.
Yankin next.
I saw a video.
I think I maybe sent it to you and you like read it.
ignored. By the way, you need to turn off your read receipts. Oh, my read receipts? I don't want them anymore.
I don't want them because I'll send you a video. You'll see it and I'll say, you know, Josh really
should have laughed at that. It's always been a fear for me that my read receipts are on and I always
assume they're not, but they probably are now. You have them on for everybody. Whoa.
That was a question. I don't. No, he does. Oh, what's a question? Yeah. Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, your read receipts are on. That said, I sent you a video I think of a chiropractor.
I loved it.
And this guy came into the chiropractor's office with his leg.
He couldn't put it on the ground.
Okay?
He's hobbling on one leg.
He gets down on the table.
It's still one leg out, one leg rose.
And the chiropractor pushes down and he goes, ah!
Screaming at the thought of putting his leg down.
All of a sudden.
All of a sudden, okay?
One gank of the leg, massaging it out, the guy walks out of the office.
Like, Jesus Christ.
Bullshit.
It's hooey.
Bullshit.
We call that hooey.
Bullshit.
Yeah, but Nick is you like chiropractors.
I grew up going to a chiropractor.
Grew up.
Yeah.
My parents, my mom specifically was a big advocate for chiropractors, and we had a good one.
This was before the chiropractor revolution, I feel like, where there wasn't, or seemingly a chiropractor next to every Starbucks.
Yeah.
They're in airports now.
Do you notice those?
Those are kind of weird.
I haven't seen the chiropractors.
I've seen an express spa, which I love those.
I love.
Oh, by the way, I'm the biggest massage man.
I met Natalie because of a chair massage.
Really?
Yeah.
Say more.
I used to live in Venice.
I was a single at the time.
And being the single serving guy that I was, I would frequent the whole foods in Venice
four or five times a week.
Sure.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Of course.
Tomorrow, I'm probably going to go out to dinner.
I'm not grocery shopping for the week.
Hot bar.
Single serving guy.
Yeah.
It was a five minute drive.
It was just a part of my day.
Rose and Lincoln.
And because it's the Whole Foods, there was a wonderful masseuse.
I believe her name was Diane.
She seemed good.
I got a massage from her.
You met her at Whole Foods?
She was there with her chair and had a little sign on giving massages.
And I was like, how much do you charge and sat plop down?
Got a massage.
And she was there next day.
I was like, you know what?
Another massage.
Spent like $2,000 to $3,000 one year.
from her just giving me massages.
But we built such a rapport
that also has a single serving
single man who was on
the internet and Instagram
and Instagram's always like, you gotta post
more, you gotta post more.
And like, you know, before
Instagram, if I was a single man,
you wouldn't see me in any pictures.
You know, why would I be like,
let's take a picture. But there was a
pressure of me to, you know,
post a picture from time to time.
And I didn't have anyone to take a photo of me.
So I was like before I sat down for another massage, I was like, hey, Diane, I got to, can you take a quick pick of me?
We walked out to the parking lot, she snapped a pick, put it up on the internet.
And that was the picture that showed up on the explorer page of Natalie's Instagram that made her DM me.
Wow.
And now we're married and have a child.
Wow.
Thank you to the good chair massage.
Diane was nowhere to be found at your wedding.
Nowhere.
Chair massage.
True story.
The pandemic campus.
I moved.
I had no way to get a hold of her.
I honestly wanted,
I tried to find, like, old receipts
because, like, I just apple paid her,
and I thought maybe I could track her down.
You didn't even have her number.
Didn't have her number.
You just knew where she was.
I just knew she was.
You'd show up.
After the pandemic, I think she just kind of,
I moved, and I don't think she ever,
I don't know if the whole.
He had another whole food.
You think she died?
She was older.
In the pandemic.
I hope not.
If you're out there.
She's probably hocking massages at a safe way.
She was great.
And she would hung and sing.
And it was great.
She was a really great massage.
I'm trying around my head around the Whole Foods massage.
Yeah.
Did she ever?
I've been to a lot of Whole Foods and there's never been somebody offering to give me a massage.
I'm truly shameless when it comes.
If you're willing to rub me, I don't care.
Did she work for, like was she affiliated?
No.
So she was just somebody that like you.
Whole Foods was like we should have.
Yeah.
So she went in.
She'd get the chicken.
No, no, no.
I don't think she's just a rink.
Ando hanging out in aisle eight.
No?
And Nick's like rub my neck.
No, she probably went to Whole Foods and says you're like an earthy kind of foot traffic.
Yeah.
They let her come in and give these massages.
Like Whole Foods, Venice was like, you know what we need.
We need a masseuse.
I fucking love it.
You know.
Wow.
I loved it.
I miss it.
Did she ever offer you a massage not in the supermarket?
You know, she was available for home visits, which is why I tried to look her up.
But, you know, at that stage in my life.
it became a really nice part of my day.
You know?
It's like 5 o'clock.
I'm going to go get like a little burger patty
to grill for dinner before I do.
Let me get like a 30 minute little chair massage.
And I love the chair massage.
I love the chair massage.
No, it's amazing.
I love those chair massages.
They're so comfortable.
They're so great.
There's something about the aeronomic way
of you sitting in there.
I'm a big fan.
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Josh, did you just learn how to speak
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Because it's in everything.
And whether you're combating pre-diabetes or not, I, for one, have always wanted to be a little bit more informed about what kind of the way that foods are affecting my glucose levels.
And look, the CDC estimates that there are approximately 96 million American adults, more than more,
one and three have pre-diabetes.
And of those with pre-diabetes, more than 80% of people don't know they have it.
Now, that matters, right?
And that's why I think Cygnos is incredibly cool, right?
Because it's unique.
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Now, I'm incredibly excited to start using the signaut.
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How are you guys on communicating to your masseuse that they're not doing something right?
I'm terrible.
I'm terrible at it.
If they're not doing something right, I'm like in my head.
Because I go deep, deep tissue, deep.
I say like, break me.
That's what I want.
If they're too deep, though, which can happen?
Because I just told them to go really deep.
You'll take the pain.
I'm going to take the pain.
I'm like five, four, three, two, one.
And hopefully it's over.
If not, I restart the clock.
But I'll take the pain.
I can't say anything.
You know, just a little lighter.
I'll give a note.
You'll say that.
Yeah.
I'll give them a director's tone.
Yeah.
It's like, why?
They're there to.
No, that's good.
So are you the same at a restaurant?
Like when the waiter or waitress comes up to you and they're like, I'm so polite.
So how's the food?
I'm so polite.
Will you, but you'll say, you know, actually the Caesar was dry.
No, no, no, no, no.
If, yeah, there's plenty of times where waiter will come up and it's like half eaten and clearly I don't like it.
I'm like, it's great.
It's fine.
I don't know.
Okay.
It's fine.
I'll move on.
Yeah.
Jara.
If I order something not with a specific request and that request is not fulfilled.
Yes.
Then in the nicest, I will blame myself.
Like, this is probably my fault.
I'm really sorry.
I'll apologize profusely in hopes that they don't spit in it.
But I will ask them to redo.
Yes.
Do you cook?
Yeah, it's delicious.
I cook a lot.
Oh, okay.
Great.
I cook a lot.
I love to cook.
Yeah.
There's certain things where I just,
I just do better.
I know there were recent Instagram followers of each other, but cooking is my thing.
I'm a celebrity chef.
You'll find, yeah, you'll see I make a beautiful city.
What?
What will I learn from your Instagram?
I do love taking it.
You can learn a lot.
You're going to learn how to cook a lot.
Right.
And you're going to see a lot of podcast clips.
Love that.
And I learn, yeah, because learning how to cook is just, it's just following directions.
Yeah.
And preparation.
And creativity.
Yeah.
So sure.
That's when you really get crazy.
Exactly.
That's step two.
Originally, just the cooking.
Just prep, cut the onions.
1,000%
Get the things ready.
Don't get the ingredients out of the fridge
in the middle of cooking.
That's right.
I feel like anyone who says
they don't know how to cook,
that's their cardinal sin,
is they'll start cooking.
They'll get out the directions,
start cooking,
and then all of a sudden step four says,
chop the whatever,
and while the butter is burning,
totally.
They start chopping the, you know,
then that's a whole mess.
but all you got to do is get everything ready to go.
And it's paint by numbers.
Do you cook?
Love to cook.
What's your favorite thing to cook?
Favorite?
I look at cooking all kinds of pasta.
I mean, I cook a mean steak.
It's so good to the point where, like, I used to love going to a good steakhouse,
and now it's just never as good as mine.
And what's your approach?
Because I have an approach.
I have several different approaches, but I've really landed on my favorite being the cast iron skillet on top of the stove.
Yeah.
Butter, garlic, you know, just rosemary or whatever, you know, parsley.
This is a smart man.
It's so funny how just men in general were so stupid
the way that we've been taking these beautiful steaks
and throwing them on a grill.
Oh, I grow mine.
I'll grill it.
You can't because then all the juice just,
I read something, you're seasoning your coal.
That's what you're doing when you're grilling.
You're seasoning your goal.
You're something about grilling a good steak.
I take pride in, but it's cool.
It's more work than it needs.
And it won't smell up the house.
With my vegan wife.
Look at me.
That's kind of necessary.
Comendable.
Yeah.
Sensitive.
Yeah.
But I would still get a good grill and bring the castor and skill it onto the grill.
That's fair.
Ooh, that's cool.
And that will solve.
But how hot is that handle?
Just get one of those gloves with the rubber on it.
I never remember to cover the handle when you throw it in the oven.
Oh, I remember.
And scorched.
The hand is, it's burned in a way where I need medical intervention.
Yeah.
Like, I need a hard, like I need a Vicodin after it's so bad.
The only way that really helped it once was honey.
Wow.
Fresh honey.
I had to baste my hand.
Honey's an exceptional thing.
Do you guys know sort of the intricacies, the nuance of honey?
Honey's nature's drug or?
Honey can never go bad.
How about that?
Wow.
Never ever.
I feel like I might have known that, but that is fascinating.
Never, ever, ever.
Ever.
I love when we're in so much pain that we start searching for remedies,
like putting honey on a burn.
Like, I've had a sunburn.
Me and Claudia went to British Virgin Islands,
took a stop in St. Thomas.
We're like, okay, for the day, we're seeing people.
We want to get tan.
So that when we see them, we don't show up like marshmallows.
We plopped ourselves on the beach, got literally third-degree burns.
And it was so painful.
Allo did nothing.
Greek yogurt all over my body, head to toe.
Did you take a bath?
Yeah, I did.
I was in so much pain.
But the Greek yogurt, like the honey.
Huh.
I don't know anything.
You ever mix those too delicious?
I learned that honey is good for burns by watching the Equalizer.
Oh, the Denzel Washington movie?
Yeah.
You think Denzel does so?
kind of movies because he's like money's great.
Probably but unlike some other a list actors who you know eventually said you know
what I was gonna get paid the Equalizer's a great franchise. He can't
Denzel can't be bad. No he can't make a bad movie even his even his like kind of
like money grabs are pretty decent. He's my he's a legend he's on my Mount Rushmore
he's in my number one who I want to work with we'll see you will I got Nolan yeah
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
You know,
you can do anything now.
Anything's possible.
Anything.
We have to talk about Nick's stunning, beautiful wedding to his beautiful wife.
It was unbelievable.
And God bless your generous spirit, because on the day when it was really supposed to be all about Nick,
Nick finds me somewhere on the dance floor and goes, I forgot to tell you, I love your haircut.
It makes you edgy.
It does.
It was like, Nick, you're a flippin sweetheart.
It does.
At his wedding.
You have a great head of hair.
You do.
And clearly you have a great.
face because it does make you look a little edgy in the best possible way. It was funny.
I grew up in Wisconsin, and so most of my life, humbly speaking, I had been complimented for,
I've always remembered being complimented. Yeah, you're a Wisconsin 12. Yeah. And then I went on TV.
That's right. And then I was like, I'm ugly. Because the internet will point out every flaw that you have.
and then I landed on, you know, after living in LA for a few years, like, I'm probably a seven.
Totally.
Yeah.
But because, and I say this, because like when you usually ask people, I know, first of all, some people are just like, well, it's the number game.
They're offended by even the mention of pure numbers and associating with people's looks.
Not us.
I'm a bit of eye really there.
But people are so sensitive that when you ask people, like, it's like, well, how would you rate it?
Like, rate someone between like a one in a ten.
Everyone in what they're really saying, it's five to ten in their mind.
If you were to call someone a seven, they're deeply offended.
A six?
And we call someone a five.
And I'm thinking, no, that's average.
Most people are fives.
That's just the reality.
And a six, by the way, above average, you're welcome for that compliment.
Seven, holy shit.
You know, but, you know, people just need to.
Have you ever been fat?
No.
You can tell.
You think swaggy like this.
I didn't think so.
I didn't think so.
I just had to clarify.
I think I've fluctuated since high school 10 pounds.
Wow.
To be so stable.
My God.
I think since middle school, I fluctuated 150 pounds.
That's, wow.
Since middle school?
150.
Middle school?
What did I weigh in middle school?
How old is?
What are you, 13?
12.
So I was probably like 160, right?
A porky 13 year old?
Is that one six?
Would you?
My top was.
middle 90. Okay. Today I'm 2.30. All right. And depending on the weight and the lack of facial
hair, if you catch a picture of me at 290, no facial hair, it's a three. That guy's a very scary man.
I'm such a Jewish mother. I don't see, I don't see the weight. It's a very scary man. You're gorgeous.
I appreciate you. Really? No. I bless you. Do you, I find that with friends. I find that I,
we can all talk. I mean, honestly, we're recorded. So none of us are being honest. But like, we,
We have three beautiful wives.
And my wife, who can be insecure at times, will say to me, do I see this imperfection
that I literally see barely anything in my wife other than like the beautiful girl that I fell in
love with.
Yeah.
Almost always.
Even when she was like her most, you know, like not her most pregnant, obviously, you know,
she's carrying, she's with child.
But moments where she felt insecure, I'm like, I'm going to say I understand where you're
coming from so you don't feel nuts.
but if you're asking me, no, I don't.
It's because we've been with them for so long.
I think that we just, you honestly see love.
It's a real thing.
I think when you love someone, you just see love.
Like I agree that we have beautiful wives.
I'm just saying like, Claudia, no matter what, I think is beautiful always.
Yeah, very lucky.
So you recently got married and it was a stunning wedding.
My wife and I were lucky enough to attend.
Yeah, give some background because the good guys listeners are always like what's going on.
I'm sure everybody knows Nick Vile, but maybe give a little background.
Okay.
Also how you two met and then the wedding.
I think it's good.
Nick Vile, one of the biggest podcasts in the world, the Bial Files.
No big deal, just saying, huge, huge.
Huge, formerly of The Bachelor.
A few seasons on The Bachelor, that was sort of your, that's your Drake and Josh.
Yeah.
Yeah, your origin.
I was on the Bacher too many times.
Perfect.
And then transitioned into this great pod, which I was interviewed on.
two years ago and then we saw each other at a party at Kathy Hilton's Christmas party.
Christmas party.
Our wives fell in love with each other.
Your wife was eight months pregnant.
Yeah.
And my wife loves a pregnant person.
Oh, is that what it is?
No, I do.
A fetish brought us together.
But they hit it off and then we reconnected.
Yeah.
And then Paige and I were lucky enough to be on the pod and then...
Your wife is a big Bravo fan of which we love on our...
our show, especially for our reality recaps, which you guys were recently on and crushed it.
Thank you.
I always love it when we come on to recap and we spend 70% of the time talking about random shit,
which was what we did.
It was fun.
I enjoyed it.
No, we're good with the random.
We're random.
Our whole podcast is random.
We don't even, there's very, very little.
It's good to work with professionals.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But so you guys got married.
You were nice enough to invite Paige and I.
And it was in beautiful Savannah, Georgia.
heard of it? I have. Beautiful place.
One of the oldest countries,
one of the oldest cities in our country.
Founded before the country itself.
Really? Probably on the wrong side of the Civil War, but who's
definitely on the wrong side?
Who's counting?
Definitely dripped with some racism for sure.
So tell me what, I'm always interested in this because God knows
my wife and I had. Maybe we should all share this.
There's so much prep goes on, so much stress to this beautiful
perfect day, which you guys had.
Me as the tendee
of your wedding would never know anything
didn't go perfectly because it quite seemed perfect.
Was there a last minute snafu?
Was there anything you were dealing with
as it got close to the day?
Not really, partly just because
I didn't know the finer details of our wedding.
So I kind of showed up as
like, wow, what a cool wedding.
There was a little bit of that.
That's nice.
What a luxury.
Natalie had crushed the finer details.
I mean, I was involved certainly in the
wedding process, but more on the kind of higher level. I came in when people need to get yelled at,
so to speak, and like making sure things that organized. But like the finer details, I should
have been appreciated as much as like as you did. So I was able to enjoy myself on the weekend. But I have
to say, planning the wedding, some of the wedding vendors, phenomenal. Wonderful. Those hors d'oeuvres,
crab cakes. Great. Some of the other vendors, I, I went.
to take out into the woods and leave them.
Shoot them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You could do that in Savannah.
It's organized crime.
The wedding industry is organized crime.
In what way?
There is zero incentive for any of these people to earn your business back.
Wow.
It's a one-off.
Recommendations to a friend.
Sure.
Yeah.
You would think.
And yeah, there's Yelp reviews and stuff like that.
But I understand.
A lot of people that I've experienced seemed, you know,
and they're usually these small business.
You know, and, you know, every company has their policies.
I get it.
But they're clearly made up.
Totally made up.
They're just made up.
And I understand.
You need to have some guidelines.
I'm big on boundaries, you know.
We talk about it on our show all the time when we're talking about relationships.
But if I had to hear one more time, well, this is just how it is.
Like, no, this is not how it is.
Terrible.
This is just, this is your unwillingness to, you know, you're just, you're leveraging our most
important day against us.
Actually, so your wedding was so fabulous.
And it was truly perfect.
Like, I loved everyone there,
except for one person.
I'm not going to say their name.
But I do need to tell you this.
I just,
this is just so me that this would happen to me.
And it usually happens to me at every wedding.
It's starting to get turned in a good way.
Whereas, like...
Say it and this bleep it.
What?
Say, who tell me who it is.
You can bleep it.
Oh, I don't know her name.
We started doing that on the show.
It was a blonde girl in a...
I don't know her name.
I don't know who aside she was from.
I don't know.
But it's like getting to that point.
to the wedding where it's like getting like fun a little turn like you know people have been drinking
it's like yeah it's that time of the night where obnoxious people come out it's just fascinating
so i'm at the bar getting a sparkling water and this girl comes up to me and she goes oh you're here
i go hello and she goes so funny that you're here i watch you and as i was again as i was again
I want you.
I go, thank you.
I think I know who it is.
You probably don't.
Which is, no, it's weird because I don't know this person.
We keep going.
So then I go, okay.
She goes, so what do you do now?
She goes, are you like, what do you do now?
Now, I'm not going to be like.
This is the worst.
There's no good answer.
Right.
So I'm not going to go into like what I've been doing the last 10 years.
I'm like, well, after a brief, sit in social media, I actually reactivated my career.
I said to her, I go, mostly just go to weddings.
And I just saw myself out.
And I just was like, have a good time.
And I walked to the other side of the dance floor.
My wife was dancing, having fun.
I needed a quick hydration break.
And I turned and she's right back to me.
Three minutes later.
She goes, I know you don't just go to weddings.
Like, please.
Leave me alone.
I am a married man.
I just want to apologize.
I just want to apologize.
It was great.
It is worth an apology.
It happens at everyone.
I'm pretty sure that person was a vendor.
No,
but she was in a dress.
I understand.
Was she the vendor?
No.
Okay.
A vendor?
We had a late night vendor show up.
You know,
Natalie and I were like,
we wanted everyone to have fun.
It was a party.
So even the vendors,
like, you can't just party, man, just, you know, do your thing.
And, you know, maybe we shouldn't have done.
But this particular vendor, we realized quickly, had a hard time controlling their fandom.
Even around Nal and I.
And it's tracking.
I think she wore.
Was she blonde?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
I think she put her hand on Matt King's like.
Was it, hold out, hold on.
Was it this person?
Oh, yes.
Photo evidence.
I fucking knew it.
You know it wasn't one of his friends.
Like, that's good.
Yeah.
That does make me feel better.
That's good to know.
Because I didn't want any of those people.
And also, I do have a couple of friends that could have been.
Everyone was perfect.
But we know that it was.
It was beautiful.
Yeah.
Some of those friends do that to me.
I sleep on a Helix mattress every night and I don't regret it not for a gosh darn
second.
Like, whatever your goals in 2024 are, the truth is, they can all be benefited by, I don't
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I'm not speaking on behalf of Helix, but I bet it would be just as comfortable.
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This is Amanda Hirsch from the Not Skinny but Not Fat podcast.
You might know me from Not Skinny Bonafet.
on Instagram where I spend my time talking about reality TV, celebrities,
everything happening, and pop culture every Tuesday, okay?
I also talk to some of our favorite celebs and reality TV stars.
We talk about what's going on.
Tune in every Tuesday and just feel like you're talking a shit with your best friends in your living room.
Should we get to some stories?
Or no.
Or do you want to speak pipe or stories?
I feel like a speak pipe with Nick would be fun.
Yeah, definitely.
Okay.
It's, what's in, speed pipe.
Speak pipes are our speak pipe.
Speakpipe.com slash good guys.
Our listeners can call in basically and leave us a voicemail and ask us for advice or whatever
it may be.
And they're usually just nuts and funny.
And we give our takes.
Love.
Yeah.
Very cute.
Hi, Josh and Ben.
My name is Caitlin.
I'm 32 years old.
And I'm single.
And I know that either of you guys did online dating.
But what would make a profile?
if you were online dating.
Like, what would make a profile stand out to you?
Because here's the thing.
I'm a second grade teacher,
so I don't meet a lot of men at my job.
So,
online dating is just, like, the easiest thing.
I'm also exhausted to going out to the bar
is just like not it.
So what would make a girl stand out to you?
What could I put on my profile to help me stand out?
So thank you guys.
I'm a moron, and I love it.
Bye.
An expert here.
An expert.
Did you online date?
I was on Raya.
for a moment.
Okay. Okay, cool.
But I did write a book called Don't Text Your X Happy Birthday.
And in that book, I...
Great title.
Had some fun with...
Great title.
Dating bios.
And I came up with a dating bio that I was told all women should put up.
And I've heard it's been used with great success.
I don't want to butcher it, so I'll bring it up.
Yeah.
He just pulls out his book out of his back pocket.
And you can pick up the pocket edition of my book on Amazon.
No.
It's like a scroll.
1499.
It's like the Torah.
I think I'm right to left.
Don't.
Hold on.
Let me get out my pointer.
Text,
right.
Okay,
I don't know if I can find it
where the book is.
It's something like,
if you like my face,
then buy me a drink.
What is it?
See,
I don't want to butcher.
No,
find it.
Find it.
Let me find it.
But I'm already.
I'm in.
I am in.
I am in.
Why don't you start with your, we'll give our advice really quick.
Okay, what would I want to see from, first and foremost, I would want to see a clear photo of you.
I would then want to see a photo of you and some friends.
I'd like to know that you have friends and our social.
I never like when it's just like the person, right?
Maybe your dog, if you have a dog, a pet.
I really don't know.
Were those good answers?
I think it's fair.
I think I've never, like, I missed that whole thing.
I think you acknowledge the reality of like, like I would put out mine and then under it, I would just write lightly retouched.
Yeah, my photo.
Just like retouched only the important parts.
Or I would say like, I'm sure you're not only in the looks, but how could you know anything from this app?
Yeah.
So this is what I look like.
I like that too.
Yeah.
Or just under, you just write will not murder you.
Yeah, that's good too.
That's good.
I don't like the idea of it being like a LinkedIn profile.
Like, I don't want to know about your job.
I don't want to know about, like, isn't it nice to learn something about somebody?
I think you get out the important things first, like have never stalked.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, will not stalk you if this doesn't work.
Yeah, not a murderer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or like, good person.
I talk to my mother weekly.
Yeah.
Listen to good guys.
Yes, definitely.
That's a good one.
I make six figures high.
See, that's the question.
Right.
Like, don't you want to learn that about somebody?
I feel.
I can't find it, but I think I remember it.
It's something like if you like my face, then buy me a drink so I can figure out if I like your personality and give you a chance to like mine.
So good.
Perfect.
Something like that.
So good.
Love it.
The Jedi.
No, it's amazing.
Yeah, it works.
Yeah.
I believe it.
Yeah.
I mean, that's the thing.
Who gives a shit what's on your bio?
Because men aren't looking and they're not reading it, you know?
So like I wouldn't spend a lot of time putting a lot of like thought.
That's right.
Into what your friends think is funny.
But something like that, which is a little snarking and attention getting.
and like a little bit different.
And honestly, to the point,
which is that's what a first thing is all about.
It's like, let's be honest.
Do you like my face or you don't like my face?
It's a dating app.
You know, it's a visual platform.
So like cut through the chase and then, you know.
What if there was a text-based only dating app?
No pictures?
Did I just come up with Facebook?
Yeah.
Yeah, text only.
You can't see anyone's picture?
You got to read.
Sounds are hard.
horrible or audio.
Sounds catfishy.
Hey.
Very catfish.
You use AI.
But I guess you use AI for the pictures too.
But you're getting on board knowing like, that would be interesting.
I, no, no, would 100% be interesting?
Yeah, you're like, can I not be completely superficial?
But you couldn't get that from texting.
No, a text, just like you write a paragraph about yourself.
Okay.
And it's only from the paragraph that you go, yeah, I would like to meet this person.
Oh, God, no.
I don't like it
Maybe they're friends
Get your friends to write about you
Interesting too
A colleague
Or someone who hates you
Like a reference letter
Three colleagues
Get to write about you
Yeah
You're someone who loves you
Someone who's generally indifferent about you
And someone who can't stand you
Even from that
Wow
Yeah
You get to pick someone
Now this is an idea
I think I have the orange
I don't think you get to that
Without this
That's true
Okay
All right, let's listen to our next one.
This one is from a lovely moron.
Self-identified?
Oh, our listeners are morons.
I have a Woody and Nuts for you guys today.
I recently had my card information stolen.
And whoever stole my information decided to run up a Dr. Scholes.
Like, let that sink in.
A Dr. Sholes, which means I was either robbed by a bubby or some rando with flat feet in a lot of huts.
Like, what are you nuts?
If you're going to go through this hassle, at least buy something cool, like a TV or a pony, that's all I'm going to say.
Well, I actually have an interesting loss of my card story, but that could just be being a good criminal.
Because if you get a pony, that's going to get flagged.
You get declined.
You get some arch support.
You buy some insults.
They're like, hey.
Amex is like, who are we to deny them comfortable feet?
It also kind of sounds like somebody that maybe needed to steal that card.
Is that possible?
Maybe this is like an older person that like was broke and they saw the card and desperately needed an insul.
Maybe.
Yeah, they bought like that and prune juice and saltine.
Yeah, and like food.
What would you do in this scenario?
I was on my way back to L.A. from JFK airport and I went and got Shake Shack on at JFK.
It's heavy.
Not my problem.
Because they're reclining, parting.
Nick is the worst passenger ever.
Oh, this fucking guy again.
Oh, no, it's Nick.
Reclining piece of shit.
Order my meal, eat my meal.
I land in Venice.
It was an early flight, so by the time I got home, it was dinner time.
This was when I was single in Venice, and I went to Great White for dinner.
and immediately was like, fuck, where's my credit card?
I know my credit card and left my credit card.
And usually when I lose my credit card,
it's just me being absent-minded and I don't know where it is
and it's called M-X and they give me a new one
and there's no like transactions that I'm missing.
But just so happened, I looked up to double check
because there been any activity on my card
and there was.
Someone went and tried to buy a diamond ring
for like a couple thousand dollars.
Wow.
A jewelry store.
Smart person.
Thank God, Amex stepped up to the play.
No harm, no foul.
They took the charge off my card, replace it, whatever.
Oh, but it went through.
I think it went through, yeah.
Good for them.
It went through.
But Amex had me covered.
Moved on with my life.
Went back to New York a few weeks later, maybe a month later.
Go back to Shake Shack.
Ordering my meal.
The lady at the register starts looking at me funny.
And she's like, are you like that guy?
And, you know, I've dealt with that before.
Or so I'm not even being set up with alarm bells at this point.
I order my meal.
She comes up to me after I'm eating and she admits to stealing my card.
Wow.
She's like, I feel really bad, but like you left your card here and I took it and I tripped into a jewelry store.
She said she gave it back.
But like, again, keep in mind, this person like owned up to it.
That's crazy.
She didn't own up to shit.
She bought.
a diamond ring with your shit.
Anyways, I was kind of dumbfounded and I was annoyed and I was like, just don't steal anymore.
And she's like, do you want me to repay you or whatever?
She did offer that.
Did you say, I could use some more fries?
I just said, no, I said, just get me a refill.
On what, the fries?
A drink.
A 50-50.
Oh my God.
Fries and rings?
No, like an owner-plomer.
So she bought, she bought a couple thousand dollar diamond ring, got away with it.
Was filled with guilt.
Saw you.
You didn't have to pay for it because.
Amex had me covered.
Had you covered.
Wow.
She probably thought you were on some to catch a predator shit.
Yeah.
She thought I was coming back to like, account for her ass.
Wow.
That she was going to get caught.
It just, I felt like she is one of those like, I'm not trying to ruin her life or get
fired or I don't know her story or a situation.
And I just gave her a little lecture.
No, the loser here is Amex.
I only go to five guys.
Yeah.
Totally.
I was a five guys actually on my honey shrimp from hell
and I was reminded about why I don't eat at five guys.
Do you tell.
Agreed to disagree?
Shitty burger.
Ooh, too much meat.
Their meat to bun ratio, no good.
Their fries, too much.
It's just a lower quality product.
I just love those five guys.
And it's actually a marketing ploy because I've seen the TikTok about it.
When they give that extra scoop in the bag, you know how five guys says this.
Yes.
You get your fries.
Then they go, what are you going to do with all?
Ben's a good boy.
Put it.
Extra.
They plan that out.
Yeah.
And it makes so much so now that you can buy a little fry,
which is just a normal fry.
Mm.
I like all the fries are not that good.
Yeah.
I love all the men.
I love the name.
You're a five guy guy.
Because we're the good guys.
We like guys.
Yeah, we like guys.
We're guys guys guys guys.
Yeah, that's what it is.
All right.
Last SpeakPipe is from Samana.
Let's go to this one's from, this one's from Danny.
See from Dan.
Great.
Hi, Josh and Ben. Major Moron here. I know you guys like it quick, so I'm just going to get straight to the point. But for some context, I live in a walk-up in New York City. And I live directly below an 80-year-old man who has lived in his apartment for 50 years. And he doesn't go outside because he can't go down the stairs. It's really sad. But he is the worst neighbor ever. He literally blasts music, classical music specifically, and sings opera all day, every single day. It sounds like,
I live on set of fandom of the opera. It's torture. I've spoken to him directly and asked him to keep it down.
I've written him letters. I've had the super speak with him. And he just doesn't care. He's like,
sorry, I forget it's not the 80s anymore. And there's not musicians living in the building.
But yeah, I can't take it. And I feel so evil that I literally have beef with an 80-year-old man.
But it sounds like I'm living in an organ because it makes my apartment shake. So yeah, what would the good guys do?
I really need some help.
Oh, and by the way, I can't get out of my lease until the end of the year.
Yeah, you wait a year.
You suck it up.
First of all, I'm going to keep it brief.
That wasn't brief.
Nothing.
That said, you got to move.
The guy is basically the building.
He's been there 50 years.
That's right.
He can play whatever freaking music he wants.
It's his.
Right?
And I don't want to speak for all guys.
You guys being the guys, guys that you are.
but I think we all aspire to be 80 and not give a shit.
Yes.
And to do those types of things and have some millennial,
whatever that version of millennial will be when we're 80.
Yes.
And to just pretend to be senile and crazy and blast my fucking music.
Yes.
And that's kind of the point of getting old.
Move.
So you're just going to have to move and next time do your due diligence.
Yeah.
Move.
I have learned this though.
And I'm someone who's not a big shopper.
rounder. I'm lazy when it comes to shopping around. I should get multiple quotes. If you're planning a
wedding, highly recommend that. Look at the fine print, but especially going and shopping for apartments or
things like that. And I know when it's New York, that might not be easy because things go fast.
One in the hand is worth two in the bush. You got to see it, sign it go. Yeah, but ideally you got to go
at different times of the day. Yeah, sure. You know, planes, trains, automobiles, different neighbors,
who's there who's not there.
A lot can be revealed by multiple visits,
but I understand in New York that might not be as possible.
And she's in a walk-up where?
Did she say the area?
Or she just said,
I'm just saying, like,
if you're going into a walk-up in New York,
you're going to have characters.
Like, that's part of what makes New York, New York.
I would fight fire with fire.
Sure, that's fun.
I would blast Taylor Swift.
Pretty sure he's not a fan.
This might be a very progressive 80-year-old.
I don't like these assumptions.
Yeah, maybe he is.
Maybe.
I would find the type of music he can't stand.
Yeah, I would fight fire with fire.
Are you guys being serious?
Why not?
100%.
No, no, no.
Because I think that you can bring something out of him.
He might enjoy it.
He might enjoy...
This guy probably fought in Vietnam.
No, he hasn't left his apartment in 50 years.
He was born there.
Yeah, first of all, I think you're aging yourself by saying that because 80-year-olds nowadays,
they probably fall on the Iraq for Vietnam.
When was Nam?
67.
he probably fell in numb.
Yeah, for sure.
Guys, I'm not nuts.
That means he was born in 1944.
That means he was probably in his mid-20s
when the Vietnam draft happened.
No, no, see, he could be a veteran.
I still think you fight fire with fire.
By the way, how many, sorry,
how many Vietnam veterans are living in New York at all?
Hosting opera.
Probably plenty.
Friendly Wood says a great quote
where she says,
no one can afford to live in New York
and yet eight million people live there.
Yeah, true.
Well, affords a relative.
term. But that's like the joke, right? But like eight million people of every economic background,
societal background, ethnicity, you know, cultural. I think that you go to this whole, and again,
it's like these fake rules. Like, yes, the legality is maybe she can't get out of release to the end
of the year. Except you go to your super and you go, we have an issue. I'm going to help you start showing
the apartment now. It might take you three.
months to lease it. It won't. It'll take 30 days. But like start showing it now. I'll clean up the place.
If you give me a couple hours notice, you can bring people in to show it. I got to go. Sid the kid up there won't shut the fuck up with Pavarotti.
And I can't take it. But he knew the super new already. And this apartment was foisted on her. Yes. He knew from the person before. If he's been doing this shit for 50 years. He probably called up Sid and was like he is the super. He's the landlord.
It's him.
I didn't consider that.
Yeah.
I didn't consider it.
There is no, yeah, there's no incentive for the super to play ball because whoever moves in there is going to have the same problem.
It's the same thing.
It's an endless wheel.
We got to fight fire with fire.
This is a Ben Stiller movie.
Yeah.
It is.
It is.
I don't like that.
I think she made it up.
It's possible.
I hope she did.
I hope so too.
Because otherwise she's fucked.
Should we get into our witty-nuts?
We should.
So we end every episode with our What Do You Nuts moment of the week.
It's your gripes with people, places and things.
Nothing too big, nothing too small.
Anything that's currently sticking in your craw right now.
Right now it's all wedding bullshit.
Get it ready.
We'll start.
And it just makes you say, Whatty You Nuts.
Okay.
You got off the plane, Austin to Los Angeles.
First of all, this is not my Whatty You Nuts, but L-A-X in general is a what-a-nuts.
You've already done it.
I know.
I'm just saying again, I take my bags off.
off and all of a sudden there's stairs to get to the car.
The whole airport, it's built terribly.
Meanwhile, I get to my Uber.
I was smart enough to order an Uber black because if you order an Uber X, we've discussed
this already.
They put you in a Corolla 200 miles away.
And it's a caste system.
We've discussed it.
I know.
I'm just giving, giving background.
Get into my Uber.
It is a suburban.
The guy turns around and he says to me and Claudia, he's like, oh, by the way, this is
my first time ever driving a large car.
And I'm like, oh, okay.
He's like, yeah, I don't, you know, I'm used to the stick over here, but it's over here.
Like, I just want you know that's my first time ever driving a car of this size.
I'm used to driving this.
What are you nuts?
Keep that to yourself.
Keep that to yourself.
Because now the entire time, I'm thinking, am I going to crash?
But you could be a bad driver.
Like, I'm going to sit in your car anyways.
You're going to drive.
I'm going to think maybe, you know, like he just wasn't.
I couldn't get over it.
And the drive was totally fine.
There was no issues, but to brief me that this is your first time ever driving a large car.
I thought it was kind of nuts.
That is nuts.
I've had that happen with people saying there was their first time driving in this city.
I've had a couple like, this is my first day on the job.
And I got to this country two days ago, which was an inspiring story.
Yeah.
I just was more like, I'm late.
You don't need to know.
Yeah.
I'm immediately pissed.
And even if you got me on numb, I'm to piggyback about.
of your star, I realize my Uber rating is now, I think, recovered. But back in the day when the
people used to ask you what your Uber rating was, mine was like surprisingly like, it was like a 4.4
for a minute. Oh, wow. Ouch. Four or five. I think I'm like four nine, four eight now. I don't,
I don't think I'm great. I don't know if I am either. And I was, and I was, I couldn't understand why.
But then I realized that, because I never really said anything. I don't talk, but I would huff and
puff and puff a lot. I think I sighed my way into a four point four. How do I? Like, I, like, I was,
Disgust.
Maybe that's a mindset.
Like if they were laid or took a wrong term, I'd be like,
ah!
Oh, I would just be giving you negative stars.
Yeah, mine's not great.
What is it?
Mine's a 4.64.
I think I got your beach.
It makes me feel good.
I'm a 4.85.
Yeah, but you're really nice.
You are.
Apparently not that nice.
How do you find it again?
I think it's like right there.
It's just under a count.
Yeah.
And then you see it in the top left corner.
Wow.
Oh, count.
What'd you say yours is?
4.8.8.
4.84.
Wow.
But I'm so nice.
I complain a lot.
I complain a lot.
That's it.
I like to complain.
I don't even think I'm complaining to them.
I'm just complaining.
I think there's just like there's a finite way to do things right.
And most people just don't.
I just don't want to hear your music or your calls.
Yeah, same.
Like this needs to be a requirement and it's just not assumed.
In New York back in the day when you got in a cab and it had something called.
the writer bill of rights.
You are entitled to a smoke-free ride,
to a sound-free ride
that you can go to any major airport
in the New York tri-state area.
It was like all these things.
I expect that,
and it's just doesn't,
no one else in Uber's got in the bed.
Does you talk on the phone
in your Uber sometimes?
Do you transact calls?
Sometimes.
I exclusively do.
Maybe that's why my rating's low
because they're like,
this guy needs to shut the fuck out.
Yeah, because every once in a while
you have someone who's just like,
no, that's why.
That's what it is.
I take a call
every car. And I take a lot of calls and I gave it no thought until a couple times I looked up and
noticed that person was pretty fucking irritated. You're right. That's what it is. Yeah. But like,
what am I going to do? What else I was doing? I'm team you. Yeah. What am I supposed to do? Same here.
Woody you nuts? My Woody and nuts is I had a different one, but you know, I'm going to keep a topical,
babe. I'm going to keep it in the moment. We walked up to the beautiful floor of the Vile Files
podcast. Unbelievable spread you have here. Beautiful, sweet. Lovely. But I didn't
notice this office building has a lot of chachis
in the hallway. What are you nuts? What's a
Choski? Choshky. Like a thing.
By the way, you got to put your 8% to work.
Yeah, we're going to. An Israeli family owns this building.
Well, we're going to lift that. Yeah. But
there's so much shit in the hallway.
Knick, knacks, objects, things.
There is no need for things in office hallways,
an apartment hallways? Are you against that?
When I lived in an apartment building, if someone
wants put their things
in, or they dressed up their
corner. Oh, terrible. I'm like,
if you want to do something seasonal, you want to do a
reef. You want to do a fun Hanukkah
offering. Maybe like a little
skeleton for Halloween.
Go for it. If it ain't seasonal,
don't put it in the hallway.
Yes. Yes. What are you nuts?
Aligned. There's like,
there's so much stuff
in the hallways here.
There's a lot. Is it your stuff?
No.
I have so many stories about this building.
What are you nuts?
It's a what are you nuts?
What are you nuts?
And the only other thing I wanted to say about noisy neighbors is sometimes it does help
to just get to talk to them and really actually bear your soul.
One day in my apartment building, I was asleep and at 7 a.m.,
I heard the playing of piano as loud as one could play it.
I go upstairs, I knock on the door, and the person living there was Cody Simpson.
I know Cody Simpson now.
Wow.
He plays his piano at 7 a.
Who's Cody Simpson?
Pop star dated a lot of famous people.
Nice guy, nice family.
Just play, play, play.
Just plays early.
He's early.
He's a little early.
I'm asleep.
He goes, he's like, all right, sorry.
Yeah.
Nice guy.
Yeah, and it's weird because he's from Ohio.
They're a very nice family.
They just played a little music loud.
Yeah.
Get to know your neighbors.
What are you nuts?
And you gave me homework, too.
It's okay.
By the way, this homework, way, easier than yours.
Yeah.
It was.
I've been so obsessed with weddings lately.
Yours are good anecdotal stories.
I think of times when your inconvenienced things that make you annoyed.
I'm always complaining.
Yeah, something that you're complaining about.
Anything about kids stuff, kids toys, kids.
Kids toys.
Why is it like, and you probably have this as a father, but do you read directions?
Not much.
Not much.
But like, there hasn't been a new toy of rivers that I haven't lost my shit over.
the first time trying to use it.
It's like they make it so simple,
yet so complicated all at the same time.
It's not a very good,
what are you nuts,
but it's something I wanted to gripe about.
All right.
Yeah.
What do you nuts?
We'll take it.
What are you nuts?
Make them easier.
Margarine.
Margarine.
What are you nuts?
Yeah.
Do you eat margarine?
No.
It's gross.
It should be illegal.
What do you mean is margarine?
Wax.
Well, it's canola oil.
Which is terrible.
It's worse than cigarettes.
It should be illegal.
It should be illegal.
So there's no real.
true definitive science yet on the negatives of it's very popular to say the vegetable oil seed oils are
no good is margarine are you here to advocate for those the job it's funny i am here and i know you cook
with butter and i'm not against it but i will tell you that my cardiologist said if you can cut out
anything cut out this butter this butter is no good so you could do an margarine type spread with olive
oil as the major oil, a good healthy oil, and suddenly it's a good alternative to perhaps
a butter. I don't know. I mean, I'm not in the business of arguing with your cardiology.
Are you going against a country crock lobby? Are you nuts? Hell yeah. That big brown tub?
You're crazy. Can't believe it's not butter? I can absolutely believe it's not butter.
You're right. I'm never going to listen to Fabio in my life. You can't make me. Yeah. It's disgusting.
Yeah. No, I'm definitely out on margarine. I'm with you. I think it's nuts.
Yeah. You ever spread it on matza?
I like spread butter.
Well, I mean, you also heard me gripe about cut fruit.
I think it's nuts.
By the way, that's your audience.
That's, you will, just give your fruit.
This will be our final.
Give your fruit.
Cut fruit, pre-made sandwiches in a vending machine.
Oh, so good.
The egg sandwich.
Jesus Christ.
That's fucking gross.
Delicious.
Do you not appreciate freshness when it comes to food?
I appreciate freshness.
What is disgusting?
I don't like the way you guys are looking at me right now.
of having any disposable income, if you can at least make sure that the food that you eat is fresh.
Let's not call income disposable.
I hold that money tight.
You're in designer clothes.
20.
Oh my God, you hold it tight.
Thank you guys for listening to the Good Guys podcast.
Yes.
Nick, thank you so much for being on the Good Guys podcast.
Thanks for having you.
Care to plug anything?
You guys are some good guys.
Yes, thank you.
Just my podcast, The Viola Files, if you like pop culture, reality TV or relationship advice
for all of it.
We're here three days a week.
Check us out.
It's a great podcast.
We love it.
As always, listen to us on Spotify, Apple, wherever you get your podcast.
You'd probably know better than us.
Where else can they find podcasts?
Also YouTube, like you guys.
And just like your guys is on Josh Peck's YouTube.
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