Good Guys - Rabbi Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

He doesn't need an introduction, it's Bert Kreischer! Would you rather be loved or hated? How many times has Bert wanted to be Jewish? How is our health doing? Is there anything worse than plantar fasciitis? Would you want to live to 110 if they weren’t great years? These are the questions the guys answer. But the most important question of all.... what are ya nuts?! Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. Sponsors: Find more weeknight dinner recipes at Pillsbury.com Go to Nutrafol.com code GOODGUYS to save $10 off your first month’s subscription + free shipping Drinklmnt.com/goodguys for a free LMNT sample pack with any purchase Go to HelloFresh.com/50goodguys and use code 5ogoodguy  for 50% off plus free shipping! Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The following podcast is a dear media production. I'm Josh Peck. And I'm Ben Sauffer. And we're the good guys. There's a lot of guys out there. And we're the good ones. Welcome to the Good Guys podcast. We have the illustrious, the legendary Burke Kreisher here.

He needs no introduction. And we can't use the Good Guys, Mike flags. By the way, that's a bad place to get in media is when you need no introduction. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome.

It sucks, man. And it's part of the gig. It's like, you know, you think about like, I think, I think about that a lot because I got into, so I've been into a lot of two dudes podcasts lately. So like if I catch them, I check it out because I have a two dudes podcast. Right. So I like to see how, and man, there are some really fucking good ones. I wish I could remember everyone's names.

Are you Garbage's? Are You Garbage is a great one. They might be drunk. It's a great one. Yes. Hey, babe. Is a great one. There's so many good two dude podcasts.

And there was one that I saw. it's fun. This is a fucking bizarre story, but I saw the, I was just flipping through my thing, and my picture came up first. So I saw my picture, I go, oh, I'm never in my own, I'm never in my own trend. And so I clicked it, and it was like, hey, do you know Bert Kreiser? And this one guy I know, a comic was like, I love Bertie. And I was like, well, I fucking hate him. No. And I was like, I was like, what I was like, what? I was like, what I love about being a, and he just goes off on me. About what's he said? It was in, it was in a relive the trauma. I will tell you, because it's a weird feeling. The average person doesn't get this.

But when you're, you got to remember, we're also regular people. And so when I scroll Instagram, I'm not expect, I'm not looking for me. I'm looking for watches or boat launch videos or surf videos or dogs or recipes. Like, I'm looking for what I like. Historically, black colleges, dancing teams. HBCU dance. Man, fuck. I know you were.

I've crept into the fucking high school cheerleaders, too. Shout out to Smoke Squad. And so, like, I'm friends with this. Never mind. I'm getting off of that. So then I get, like, I get bummed out. It's a weird feeling when you hear people hate on you because it rushes up. It's almost like you get broken up with. Like, it's like a rush in your heart and you're like, whoa.

And then you can't not look at it. You go, I'll just put it away. And then you're like, well, I got to, how bad is it? You know, it's like a fucking, like a dark scot on your skin. And they're like, what's out in your tongue? And you're like, oh, fuck, now I got to look at it all day. Yeah. So I watch it.

And then I was like, what's interesting is when I saw the picture of myself, I knew one of the comics. So I immediately was like, oh, I'm going to like this. They're talking about me, I'm going to like this. So I followed both the comics and the podcast without watching it. Then I watched it and realized the one guy hated me. And I was like, motherfucker. So then I said, I thought I'd, because I've already followed him. I know that shows up in people's things.

I can't just unfollow everyone. Sure. So I DM the comment. The guy who wasn't a comic, he's an artist. And he had pictures of me. He really hated me. Well, on what grounds? He just thought I was annoying.

He had pictures of you on his Instagram or in his DMs? He's an artist. He drew pictures of me. Like being murdered or? Just being fat and disgusting. And so I was like, yeah. But do you want to be, do you want to live in the middle in the sense of do you want to be loved and hated?

Because you've triggered feelings. You want to be loved and hated. You want to be, trust me, I've been ignored. Milk toast. And I was like, oh, yeah, I don't really give a. fuck about that you want to be either loved or hated but so I sent him a DM and I was like I was like hey man I've given you hilarious I followed you before I saw the clip I saw a picture of myself and there was a picture of myself so I followed you I'm friends with your your podcast buddy I'm

obviously I didn't know you disliked me and so I just want you to know that I I get it I hope you have a good day or whatever yeah and then the guy DM'd me back and he was like I am so fucking sorry man I see it was like really cool he was like I you know you say to things you don't think everyone's ever gonna fucking hear them and I'm just trying to do a podcast and I was like and then you have to find yourself accountable and I was like I've done that a lot I've done that a lot we talk shit about someone not even thinking Reese Witherspoon's ever gonna fucking hear it and then Reese Witherspoon's probably sitting there like What the fuck did I like I often think about Richard Geer and like how many of us talked about that

fucking hamster up his ass and and you know you know what's not true whether it is or it is I have to say with not I have to go with not right but you know he had kid, right? Richard Gear had a kid. Like, well after that rumor went out. And you know that kid had like a kindergarten hamster that they would take home on weekends. That's how it works when you have a kid.

And you know that everyone's in school like, oh, don't give the fucking and then Richard Gear had to sit down with his fucking first grader and be like, listen, we can't have a hamster because people think I put hamsters on my house. Don't give little Jimmy gear. Yeah. The class hamster. And like that was an innocuous

fucking thing we all, you know, Richard Ghrushubs hamsters up his asshole. But you know that effect is Richard. Nick Kott. Right. Did it? He's a Buddhist. Maybe it didn't.

No, dude, it affects everyone. Yeah, you don't get over that. He's like, I'm not fucking gay. Why can't they just let me go? Like, I'm a Scientologist. Like, there are so many crazy rumors out there that we callously just throw out. And then the, like, little ones like, you know, obviously, you know, bigger ones that are more accurate.

And then, like, little ones like Bert's annoying. And I go, that hurts my feeling. I don't know, that's about my goal. As someone who literally. you talk about, I would imagine almost everything, but you have a wide berth. Does something like Tom Cruise being in Scientology, do you shy away from that knowing that they might come after you? No, no, no, but I don't really care.

Like, you'd be shocked how much I don't care about. Like, I'm an astounding amount of self-focused. Like, if it affects me, yeah. Like, I'm also, I play with every bit or everywhere angle I take when, especially with comedy. first of all, I started to try to celebrate things to go like, maybe I would be into Scientology. Like to try to figure the me angle. Let me be the fucking asshole.

Let me be the idiot. And then celebrate things. Because I think, like, here's the deal. Like, I'll be, okay, so we'll put it back. I'm looking for something. I'm looking for something. Like, I'm curious. If you told me that Christianity worked,

I'd lean real hard into it. If you told me Kabbalah was it like, was still kicking, I'd check it out. So this is a really good time for us to try to convert you to Judaism because we do it during most episodes, but it was kind of just the perfect entree. So if you want, I'll set you up with a rabbi. It'll be nice and it won't be easy. It'll actually be incredibly difficult.

Rabbis are slick. It's very difficult. Rabbis are slick. Well, that's going to go on the cover of anti-Semitic times. Rabbis are slick. No, no, no. I didn't mean it like. I didn't mean like, I didn't mean like.

No, but no, but like. Like Sarah Silverman's sister's a rabbi. Like you can chill with a rabbi. Yeah, they're down the clown. It's tough to chill with a priest. Rabbis be fucking too. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah. They can fuck. Yeah. Priests give off. First of all, they all smell kind of weird. Like they smell like your grandma. Yeah. And they're always...

It's incense and diabetic shoes. Josh, that's the episode. That's the episode title. Rabbis be fucking. That's the... They do be fucking, man. I wanted to be... I wanted to be Jewish twice in my life when I was around bar mitzv age, obviously.

Sure. It's a good time. It's such an easy time to convert people. If you guys were smarter, you would fucking lean into 13-year-olds. You want to come into our grind line. Like, all you got to do is sign this waiver. That's it. You're in.

You're loaded. Yeah. Oh, just don't. You do not get invited unless you're Jewish. And then there would be a lot of 12-year-olds be like, how do I get in? I want to be Jewish. Yeah. I wanted to be Jewish when I was like 12, 11, 12, because all the kids were going.

were going to rabbis of their bar mitzvahs of their older siblings so like they'd come back and david germain would be like man the fabricants bar mitzvah was crazy this weekend and then nell would be like i can't believe we danced as late as we did and i'd be like wait you guys are 11 you guys are dancing yeah and then i was like so jealous they're like we stuck out to the not a country club you guys weren't allowed in those still not still not my sister-in-law wanted to get married and when i was like i can't go i was like they won't let me in she's like no that's not true anymore i'm like no it's true

It's true. They don't like us. They don't like us. Thank you guys so much for supporting the podcast. And when you support our advertisers, it allows you and us to give you this podcast for free every week. And one of our sponsors who we've had for a really long time now that we are so happy to partner with is neutral fall. Because the reality is we're all going through hair issues and it's taboo and it's unfair and no one's talking about it. And damn it, when it's in the shadows and you feel. like you have to go through it alone is when these things get really, really tough. And it's not only affecting men. Like, did you know that hair thinning happens to approximately one and two

women? And if you're among them, you're not alone. Because thinning is normal, but Nutrafall helps women address it from within with science-backed supplements. Now, if you want, like, visibly thicker hair or maybe just like less shedding, I mean, I love my wife, but, you know, sometimes she, you know, she leaves my car. I'm like, oh, dude, I didn't know we got a pet. You know what I'm saying? Like, where are they? And I don't say that to her face because she'll divorce me. But, you know, millions of Americans experience thinning hair. And it's not only common, but it's normal. And among women, it's not openly talked about. And going through it can feel lonely and frustrating. But with Nutrafall, you'll get the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth

supplement, clinically shown to improve visible thickness and strength. And I love that it's clinically shown because that means that they're really doing the due diligence instead of just, you know, promising you a bunch of things that they haven't actually checked out. Now, from postpartum to menopause to plant-based lifestyles and no matter your life states, NeutroFal has four unique formulas to support women. And it's drug-free, it's physician formulated, science-backed, It's great. So you just go to Nutrafall.com to take their hair health wellness quiz. You'll identify some of the causes of your thinning hair,

and Nutrafall will give you a personalized plan for better hair growth. Take the first step to visibly thicker, healthier hair. For a limited time, Nutrafall is offering our listeners, $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafall.com and enter the promo code, Good Guys. Find out why over 4,000 healthcare professionals recommended Neutrophol for healthier hair. Nutrafall.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L-com promo code good guys.

That's Nutrafall.com promo code good guys. I went to the Soho Club one time for a meeting, for a general meeting. My manager was a woman, and she showed up, and I said, what the fuck are you doing here? She goes, I'm here for the meeting. And I go, they let women in the hearing. She was like, what year do you think is? And I was kind of bummed out. I was like, oh, I want to go to an old school, like, men only.

Like, that was the cool thing when we were children. I was just telling this to my assistant on the ride over here. Wow, way to see it. It's a sound disconnected. There was a boy in my front yard. I won't say his name, but he was trying to get something from my daughter, and he just lost. Did we just enter the 20s?

So there was a boy in my front yard trying to get something from my dog. And I went to get my gun and shoot him. No, no, no. There was a boy. I don't know what to call him other than that. He was a boy. There was a young fellow. It was a child.

All beyond it. Yeah. And he was standing in my front yard and I said, can I help you? And he looked like he got caught. He was like, I'm, I know Georgia. And I was like, okay. And he's like, I'm here to pick up. I got to pick up his shirt.

And I was like, all right. And I said, what's your name? He's like, Billy. Like, well, come on in, man. And he's like, okay. So I bring him in. I said, I'm Georgia's dad. And he goes, hi.

And then I was like, you want me to get Georgia? And he's like, yeah. And I said that I knew how to meet a girl's father. Like, I knew how to introduce myself. I was taught that as a, like, where, hey, listen, if you're going to meet her dad, you stick your hand. Hi, my name's Burke Kreisher. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. I'm here to see Georgia.

Like, there was a certain way to do it, which has been lost on these kids. It might be COVID. I don't know. But it's lost on these kids. Because, like, my dad would send me over to places. And when we were kids, we were at dinner and we saw another family, my dad would send me over and go, Hey, his daughters go to Chamberlain. Go over and introduce yourself to the family.

Tell him I'm over here. Tell him I said hi. Tell him, you know. And so I'd go over. I go, hey, Mr. Kayser, and he's, I know who you are. We played golf one time. Yes, sir. It's good to meet you. Mrs. Taylor, it's a pleasure to meet you. Hi, my name's Bert. I hear you guys go to. Like, I had to learn how to do that as a child, and I think that's gone. I don't know how the fuck we got on this point.

Before we go, before we leave the Jews, did you see what happened with Jamie Fox over the weekend? I did. I did. I can see it both ways. By the way, I can see it both ways too, which I don't think, Josh, you were expecting me to say. No, I wasn't, but I'm happy to hear it. And for anyone who doesn't know, Jamie Fox wrote something to the effect of, like, they killed Jesus. What do you think they would do to you? Or something that they something killed Jesus. And it was something about a fake friend who betrayed him.

The number one anti-Semitic trope is that the Jews killed Jesus, which is factually not true. It's not true. So anybody that, so anybody that. And this guy listens to a history podcast. So anybody that. So anybody that says, you guys set him up, but it was the Jews. Is an anti-Semi? That's a fact.

Right? Hey, the Jews were like, the Jews are just sitting over there going, okay. Anybody that says that it was the Jews? The good guys podcast brought to you by the state of Israel. Good, as it should be. But anybody that says that it was the Jews is anti-Semitic. So the Jews that were sliding into Jamie Fox's DMs, making him feel uncomfortable, and saying the they is the Jews, are the,

the actual anti-Semites when the way that I read it was he's saying they as in X random person, right? I don't think he was talking about the Jews, but I think that the Jews that then assumed that he was talking about the Jews made it anti-Semitic. But what he intended to do is not anti-Semitic, in my opinion. Oh, I see what you're saying. Hang on, I know how you're doing this.

And this makes sense. This makes sense. I wish I was smarter and I could connect what you're saying. But what you're saying is When you see the racism And something that was not intended racist You are in fact the racist Like okay, like perfect

When I said there was a boy in my front yard And Josh goes, what year is this? And there's a boy And that's not how I use the term boy And you went oh my bad I didn't need it like that either Well I don't know if someone heard it that way Then that's what they mean

That's a great fucking point Although I wouldn't use Jesus as an example Like Jesus is the wrong example because it does get divisive. But he is going through a medical condition. Who knows what's going on with Jamie Fox? Right. And I, all you cleared up, send me a picture of the friend he's talking about.

We don't know. Let's see it. Oh, interesting. If it's a black dude, then we're, he's in the clear, easy. Right. It's a fair, right, of course. But if it's like Moshekasha, we're in trouble. It's going to be bad.

Not good. If he's got the fucking hippie-dippy hat on with the fucking locks, we're in trouble. Yeah, if it's more to God. Jamie Fox. Here's the thing is what I think, I think, you know, they say, I don't know what they say, but I know that racism is, it's harder to be racist when you have a wider selection of friends. In my opinion, you know, it's like, I don't know, I just, I have too many friends of too many different colors and creeds and religions and sexualities to be able to say those things out loud. Yes.

So that's like, that's the one way, like, when we went to high school, like our school was predominantly Cuban. So you, in Puerto Rican, or mostly Cuban, but you just, you definitely never made a Cuban joke. So there were so many Cuban people around. Or if you did, it was so between friends. Jamie Fox has way too many Jewish people in his life to be saying something like that. Right. You know what I mean? That's just, anyone in Hollywood has way too many Jewish people in their life.

Are my two, the two families that I'm best friends with are Jewish. And I don't even think, I got a people going on. see color. I don't see Judaism sometimes. I just know it's all around me. I live in L.A. But that's it, by the way. Like, I think it's assumed that we're everywhere, but we're a very small percentage. Isn't that crazy? Well, you guys aren't like Omaha. Well, yeah, they sprinkled us around, but that was as a result of like Tim Blake

Nelson's from Oklahoma City because after World War II, the Jewish sort of societies in America were like, they'll never be able to round us up again. So send some to Oklahoma City, send some to Omaha. Is this a real thing? Spread them around. Yes. It's like to fucking hell's angels. Like Montgomery.

Like yeah, there are Jews in the South. Yeah, like Memphis. Wait, hold on. There was a Jewish school in Memphis that was just

someone came and shot at the school. He happened to be Jewish. So it's like, unfortunate. Oh, you guys have this old sales a bathing thing. Yeah.

There's a huge Jewish population in Mountain Brook next to Birmingham, Alabama. North of Birmingham. Nuts. Well, you guys were very,

You guys were very progressive, like, have always been very progressive, but during the civil rights, I'm always astounded by, like, not astounded, but when the, those freedom riders, the Mississippi's burning two kids. Yeah. I'm always shocked that, like, that's like a different type of person than I am. Like, I don't know if I could do that. I'm being serious. When you see like those movies where they go, we're going to go down and we're going

to register voters. Yeah. I go, I don't know, like, I don't know if I have that. The same thing with I look at like the guys, like, Jaco Willing and who goes to war and does like four tours. I don't know. I like I go I'm so selfish. Right. Like I don't know if I would go someone else will figure it out. You know what I mean? So like yeah but you guys have always been very progressive. Wait so I the big part of our podcast is talking about health. Ben's been on his own health journey as we know I've I've lost a couple LBs and Bert you know health is

on his mind so I think it's a wonderful topic. I'm in the middle of a cleanse right now. What kind of cleanse? What are we eating or what are we not eating? Uh food. Okay. So it's No food. No food. I'm allowed soups and bars. Prolon? Prolon. You're prolonian.

Yeah, Prolon. It's a cellular rejuvenation. That's what I like to call it. It is a nutritional fasting, assimilated fast. But the thing we were talking about in the elevator is, so what is your goal with health? When you look at these longevity folks, and by the way, I say that very kindly because I love Peter Attia. I love Andrew Huberman. I love all these guys are people I listen to regularly.

But then you go, so what is the goal? Will someone like David Goggins or Cam Haines, are they going to live 20 more years than me? Like when we look at our parents now and our parents' parents, the healthy, my dad's best friend, his partner, and I hope he doesn't hear this because it's going to sound bad. But he's been overweight his whole adult life and has never exercised. Sure.

They're both 74. And I would argue that my dad's partner is in better shape than my dad, because my dad exercised, and now he has bad knees and bad hips. My dad ran marathons. Right. So what is the goal? What are we looking for here? Because in my present goal is just to, like, feel better on a plane, feel better, like, get

up out of a chair easier, like not put on shoes and not feel, not get winded taking a shower. Like, I get winded taking a shower. Which part? The lathering. The lathering. Yeah, it's a lot of torque. It's a lot, and it's like, and then you got to, and it's disgusting. And then you got to get, like, to wash your asshole, like, I'm really reaching. I'm really reaching.

Sure. Like, I mean, wiping my ass, that's a really good one. Like, when you get to 255 is the threshold where wiping your ass becomes pretty easy. And then above that, you're like, it hurts a little bit. You're pushing organs. Yeah. And so, like, what's the goal? I enjoy working out the feeling afterwards.

of like the mental clarity but like other than that like what is that like what are we looking for because don't like it is crazy to think that someone would spend their day doing this sure not not me like it's almost like me are you working out no not at all

Ben is your size spends like 6 to you were what 280 Ben and you're now I was 290 I'm now 245 okay so similar that's cool way it's just eating less I've lost weight. I've lost probably 50 to 60 pounds three times in my life. And I've come to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with being in the gym. It has everything to do with what I'm

putting in my mouth. And I don't enjoy the gym. Like it's just not something that I've ever gotten into. But you asked, what am I looking for? For me, the heavier I get, the worse my mental clarity is. So I'm looking for a clearer mind always. Like that brain to mouth, wanting to be quick with a joke or with a conversation or with whatever it may be. When I'm leaner and when I'm eating better, my brain works better. So that's always what I'm seeking personally. So, okay, so my thing really is alcohol. Like that's my real problem.

I can eat really clean and I still gain weight. Like I was telling, I was telling my assistant on the ride over, I've been eating clean for a while. And I just weighed myself. I was the heaviest I've ever been. And I was like, and I weigh. myself on the day that I was like this is the day you don't want to weigh yourself like you know like usually you go I'm gonna all right I'm gonna check in you're like

not today tomorrow yeah yeah let's do a diet then let's find out where we are and I was 268 and I was like this fucking ridiculous this is it hurts yeah by the way I'm in and no no one's gonna believe this physically I'm in pretty good shape I can bench 220 10 times I do CrossFit every day I plan or fasciitis some fucking fat right now so I'm not running my cardio levels are low. Is there anything worse than planter fasciitis? Anything in the world worse? I hear cancer is worse, but I don't agree. I don't agree. As I said, this podcast is brought to you by Judaism and here's the planter fasciitis segment. I hear pancreatic cancer isn't even as bad as

Planner fasciitis. It's not. The tennis ball under the foot, like it's a terrible, it's terrible. It is the worst feeling. I hear, I hear just so, because me and you probably are on this path, I hear gout is pretty fucking bad. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I hear gouts and like I'm in the I'm in the king's disease area. The name of this episode is gout adjacent with burglies gout you can wear with a badge of honor right? Like you've eaten good. You're like I got gout. I'm proud of it. Planner's fasciitis is just it's just so terrible and fun fact there's more planters in the u.s. now than ever before because of pickleball. Oh, pickleball is getting everyone planters. Thank God. I'm so tired of people thinking they're athletes because they play pickleball.

Fuck that game. Play tennis. Yes. Let me see a full swing. My parents can play pickleball. Oh, I'm in the kitchen. Fuck out of here. I'm in your kitchen.

By the way, I was obsessed with pickleball for a long run. I'm obsessed with it. I play that on Saturday. I love it. I love it. That's how I got paraplegia. Wait, so my question to you is, are you still on the Royd game? Yeah.

So you're on steroids. I'm a testosterone. And your BFF, Tom Segoor. He's on all the things. And he's also on the OZM. Why haven't you tried that? Because I didn't want, I don't, I'm still a little bit of a cheat code guy. Like I don't want to, the only reason I'm on testosterone is because my cardiologist says it repairs

your liver. So that's why I got on it. I was never going to do it just to gain strength. I had no interest in that. I didn't know, I feel better. I sleep better. I have more mental clarity. I literally feel better.

But I just, OZemPEC just didn't, it didn't, it wasn't like, I wasn't there yet. I was there yesterday. Two days ago, I was there. I was like, fucking give me an epic, I'm done. But I wasn't there. I buddies, other buddies on it too. And they're doing great. They look good.

They're losing weight. But there's a part of me that goes, that's not going to fix the problem. The problem is impulse. It's mental. It's mental. It's like. Or is the problem just living during this age in this country? Like, again, speaking is a big guy.

It's just very, very hard to understand the portions that you're supposed to eat and eat them. right? Like you said you're eating clean for me. I'll eat clean too. But if I eat too much clean, it's still too much food. We eat so much fucking food. And I just, I don't know. I think it's almost impossible for certain people to lose weight because our eyes are bigger than our stomachs. And we, we want to keep eating to make ourselves feel full, even if we're just eating chicken. If you have 500 grams of protein, it's still a problem. Here's the thing. Here's why I did prolon. I have to do something if I'm going to start a diet or start trying to change a lifestyle change.

I got to do something to rewire my brain because my brain is so impulsive that I go, like even when they put that, I don't even know what that is, but I went, oh, I should grab one of those. I don't even know what it is. Yeah. And my brain goes, I should get one of those. I think I made my daughter's breakfast the other day and they're friends, so I made a bunch of bacon. And I made, I made, I'm on a fast.

I made a breakfast burrito. I just made it and then it was like I wrapped it up and I put it down. I was like is anyone want that and they're like why would you make that no one wanted it and I was like because I want it I want it. I think about going to the fridge so much I look at like we're planning my wife and I are planning on going on vacation and I'm already thinking about because I'm trying to think like what am I going to do with drinking because drinking is the thing that if I don't drink I'm a teetotal or I can either go full-bone party or zero drinking. Yes. I'm not someone that like I'm not gonna just have a glass of wine. I'd rather

don't want I'd rather rather than not the calories. So I'll just go I'll just have water. I don't care. I'm not gonna feel a glass of wine. So either we're gonna drink a bottle and we'll feel it and we'll tell some fucking stories or let's just not drink wine and we'll just hang about a sober night. I'm good with that also. Yeah, it's like drinking decaf for what? What the fuck am I going to just stain my teeth? Yeah. What do we give myself acid reflux? Jesus Christ. Where are we gonna be up all night? Yeah. It's like and so I go, that's where my head's at is like, what am I to do? So we're playing a vacation and I, and they're like, you know, they got this big beach with all these bars and then I go, oh wait, oh wait. And then

my brain right now goes, I can't wait to drink. And then I'm like, don't think like that. Like don't, why can't you just go be present on the bar? So I'm trying to rewire my brain so that I can bleed into this weekend because the fast is over Thursday. I can bleed into this weekend with a healthy mindset where I get excited for healthy food and I feel better. And I also, I mean, I'm just going to quit drinking for like a period of time before I go back on the road. just because I was like, there's no way I'm going to drop down to like 245, which is a fantastic, beautiful man's weight. I would love to be 245 right now.

But there's no way I'm getting down there without alcohol in my life. You got to do the OZemp. Really? Here's what I think. And what do I know? I lost 120 pounds. I'm not, I've never taken OZempic. We talk about it a lot in this podcast.

But that's the problem. Here's the problem with OZempeg is that everyone's like afraid to say they're doing it. Well, people are afraid especially, yeah, there's a weird, there's weird, like, quasi-controversial shit, except there isn't. Because like in five years when literally everyone will be taking it, because I can't imagine a person who wouldn't benefit from having sugar removed from their blood, be it for Alzheimer's, be less sugar better, right? That equation always works.

So sugar's bad. Sugar in general is bad. But what I've heard about Ozempic is that it inhibits that part of your brain that that's overthinking. And the only thing that I can attribute it to is like I spent two decades in my life thinking about taking some sort of antidepressant. And then finally in the last year, I was like, enough, enough. And because my life was so good.

And I could see logically on paper. And I was like, I can't get my head above water. But I didn't have any classic like depression signs, right? I never had trouble getting out of bed. I wasn't crying or anything. I just had this obsessive thought that would grate at me. And thoughts would enter my head and I couldn't get them out. Give me an example because I'm going to have that.

A version of what you talk about with like the drinking or like just like the future projecting of what am I going to do when I get there. And how am I going to have a good time? And if I can't have one, then I don't want to have all of that. Like I'm going to a disc golf tournament in like next week. Yeah. And I'm already feel like I'm on a good path of eating clean. And I go, I'm already kind of thinking like, how am I going to keep it on the rails? Like, first of all, flying is a difficult thing for me.

So I wouldn't be shocked if I drank on the flight. And then if I drank on the flight, I'm definitely drinking the next day. And I know I'm there for two days. So if I'm there for two days, I'll probably. And then I'm sure when I get there, I'm going to be like, I wonder if anyone has weed. I was like, you know what, I'll just bring my own weed. And then I'm like, all of a sudden, I'm like, I got three days of literally sounds like a bender for anyone else. But for me, it's just regular life.

And then what am I supposed to like fold that back into? I'm back to your salmon. Like, who the fuck lives like that? Yeah, how do you recover? How does anyone live? I don't know how anyone lives. And I'm cool. So then we get back to the thing, right?

Is David Gaghan's going to live 25 years longer than I? Or is it maybe like, is it, you know, with the burden that he's put on his knees? and his shoulders and you know maybe it's not the best 25 years of his life that it's longer or or maybe the key is like just really truthfully that carpe diem of like hey man people get hit by cars like who the fuck are you doing like you're sitting there worrying about like all these things that you know like what if what if what if I mean as long as you're not going to overdose or get to a place of depression and suicide it's like why not just buddy hack it's like why not just buddy it and die at 80 and have a fucking blast and never worry about anything you ate and never

worry about a thing you drank like what I'm just saying like I'm not proponent of that I'm just saying why not like what is the fucking thing if you can function what if you what if you don't die at 80 like when I'm saying what if you because this is the thought that goes through my head what if because of the advances in medicine right what if you can live until 110 but from 80 to 10 your body's so broken that you wish you were dead. Yeah, I mean. Go to Oregon. My Nana was 100 when she died.

And those last couple of years weren't like they weren't great years. Right. That's when you get a little bit of fentanyl. She didn't go to Burning Man. She wasn't at stagecoach. She wasn't running ultra marathon. Yeah. She was in a bed, confused.

I mean, it was really sad. Not good. And so then. So hang on. So like let's let's just let's just reverse engineer this that's when we load her up with drugs and alcohol Right yes why not load yourself up with all the drugs and alcohol now by the way I'm talking myself out of being healthy Do you have a death pack with your wife not a pack but an agreement of like because you have a beautiful long standing relationship with your wife like babe if it gets to that point but I'm 70 or like god forbid like 70s

70's fucking young yeah put a pill but do the pillow oh I uh she I decide DNRs and so she said yeah DNR and I went not me you want everything keep me around keep me there I want to I want I want to wake up from a like snow whited out of a blow job like just like

she's like and I'm like you brought me back to life yeah I'm gonna and I'm not gonna DNR her I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna you're gonna override your DNR? He is such a doting husband. He comes in every day, like right around like

11.30 at night. Just to check her up and he cleans up her face. Bert stops by the nurses station with a pizza like, give me 20 guys. Enjoyed steep dish. Hey, you guys got a towel and they're going to see the end. Oh my God.

That's true love. That's really beautiful. That's true love. She's good, guys. She's good. She's good. Guys, I love element. You love element. Why do we love element? because Element is the best little pack of electrolytes that I have found because it's 10 calories. It's delish. They've got plenty of flavors.

I like orange. I like raspberry. I like lime. And it's got everything you need and none of the junk. No sugar, no coloring, no artificial ingredients, no BS. If you're on keto or low carb or paleo, it fits into those diets. And it's a science-backed electrolyte ratio with 1,000 milligrams of sodium, 200,000. POTASium, boom, helps with those cramps, 60 milligrams magnesium, boom, going to help with

sleep. I know that magnesium for me is gorgeous for sleep, okay? And the reality is if you get headaches, if you feel fatigued or you're just, you're probably not properly hydrated. And that's an issue. I know. For me, I always thought, like, I'm not an athlete. Like, I drink enough water.

Why do I need electrolytes? But the reality is, is that it can help prevent and eliminate headaches, muscle cramps, fatigue, sleeplessness. It can help with hormonal regulation and nutrient absorption. That's what electrolytes facilitate, you know, hundreds of functions in the body. An element is used by everyone from the NBA to the NFL, NHL. And right now, Element is offering my listeners a free sample pack with any purchase. That's eight single serving packets with any element order. It's a great way to try all eight flavors or share Element with a salty friend.

Get yours at drink element.com slash good guys. This deal is only available through my link. You must go to d ri-n-k-l-M-N-T dot com slash good guys. Try it totally risk-free. If you don't like it, share it with a salty friend, and they will give you your money back. No questions asked. You have nothing to lose.

I love HelloFresh, and I swear to you, I never thought I'd be a guy who has like a good. ingredients show up at his house in a box and then pulls out a recipe, whips it up for my family and is like literally raving about it to his listeners. But I love it and I needed it. And you're probably on the fence. You're like, oh, I don't know. It seems kind of odd. And oh, I love going to the store. And I like just walking the aisles. Well, that might be true. But how much time are you spending? How much time are you spending stressing about, oh, what am I going to cook? And how do I do something that's delicious but healthy and ah i'm going to have to figure it out and what if the store

doesn't have all the ingredients i need well with hello fresh that fear is done because you're going to get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep it saves you time and it saves you stress okay you're going to banish the end of summer blues with hello fresh you don't need to stress about how you'll handle it this fall because hello fresh takes care of the meal planning and delivers pre-portioned ingredients right to your home. Now, whether you want to do the family-friendly to fit and wholesome, you'll always find new and exciting recipes to try because they have 40 chef-crafted recipes to select every week.

And, like, you know, is your family hungry? Like all the time, like mine? Well, you can add snacks, sides, and more to your weekly Hello Fresh order. They have over 100 add-on items. And it's 25% cheaper than takeout and less expensive than grocery shopping. Go to hellofresh.com slash 50 good guys and use code 50 good guys for 50% off plus free shipping.

That's hellofresh.com slash 50 good guys. Use the code 50 good guys for 50% off plus free shipping. We are two very proudly, happily, happily married men, and this pod inherently gets a lot of female listenership. So you and your wife have a beautiful relationship for almost 25 years. We've been together 22 years and we've been married 20. How do you do it?

What's the secrets? How do you stay married? How do you stay happy? I mean, this is a brand new conversation that has to be had is we were just regular and doing great. Like we were regular and doing great and had sex maybe once a week, you know, probably once a week, but that was just due to my schedule. It's like if I came home, you know, that's how I reconnected.

Great. We had a great group of friends. We laughed. We don't fight very much. And when we do fight, like yesterday we got no fight, we were talking about this. I said to her, well, I'm either full on or full, like, I'm either totally drinking or totally sober. Like, what's wrong with me? And then she said something that bothered me.

And I go, hey, I'm being super vulnerable right now. Like she was angry. She said something mean. And I go, why would you do that? And then we went to REI and we're not talking. and I walked up to her with matching overalls and I was like, hey, can we make up and buy matching overalls?

And she laughed and she was like, they're not going to look good on me. And I was like, they're going to look great on you. We're going to, please. And then I was like, can you say you're sorry real quick? She was like, I'm sorry. I was just angry because you were weird about how I was driving.

And she's like, you, and we're really good at making up. Like, we're really good at making up. And that's me, really, because I learned at the young age how to apologize. It was very valuable. My dad taught me a few things that were amazing. Humility is number one.

How to apologize, number two. And then my dad did this really fucking crazy thing that at a young age, he told me that I loved being under pressure. So in a weird fucking, I don't know if it was like, he planted the seed that forced the tree to grow, but I love pressure now.

So like any pressure situation, like testing for a network, that's when I perform. I don't, all the non-pressure ones, I don't fucking perform. Or I don't care. But, man, when you put me under pressure? So, but the key now is,

So my wife goes to Vietnam. She's sitting in bed with this lady. I won't say a lady's name just out of privacy. And they're in opposing beds. They're sharing a room. And my wife's saying, you know, what's the key? What's the key to your relationship? They're talking about.

She's like, you guys have a good relationship. And Leanne's like, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's pretty easy. We don't really put much work into it. It's just fun. We have a good time. Bert likes to have a good time. So I just kind of follow him around. And then this lady said to my wife, you know, at a weird, at a time,

when the girls started to get older, I decided to start dating my husband. Like I said, you know, we should date each other, like boyfriend girlfriend, girlfriend. Like, do shit we did when we were boyfriend girlfriend. And so we started to have date night where we get dressed up and we'd go out and we find a new restaurant and we'd sit down and we'd hang out and talk. And then my wife, I don't know how she did this, but she translated that into sex. And so all of a sudden, my wife, I'm going to tell a story out of school.

Maybe I've told this before I'm not really certain. In the driveway? Give it to us. I know it, but they don't. How do you know it? Because we're close. I don't know it. I told this before?

I don't know it. So my wife makes this decision to start dating me. Now mind you, I'm in Australia when she has this conversation, so I'm gone for a full month. So I come back, we go, I mean, there's like a couple things. So we go, we're doing this tour. We end up Miami. We fly in to do press for the movie. I tell my wife, why don't you meet me at the hotel?

We'll spend the night at the hotel. We spend the night at the hotel. And I was like, you, I got a spot at the store tonight. If you want to stop by the store with me, then we can drive over across the hill. She said, great. So I go to the spot at the store. we go to Saddle Ranch. We're eating just dinner at Saddle Ranch, just catching up.

Couple kids. Couple kids. Yeah. A couple kids dating in L.A. And as we go to the bathroom to leave, a guy and a girl go into Saddle Ranch, girls' bathroom, and they go to have sex. And my wife sees them. We get in the car, we're driving over the hill.

She goes, a guy and a girl just walked into the girl's bathroom. Can you believe that? And I go, yeah. She's like, what? I said, they're fucking 23. We used to be like that. She goes, what? I said, we used to be like that.

They're just fucking. Like, that's what life's about. They're just kids. They're having fun. I don't know how that landed on her. But by the time we got on the top of Mulholl and that bitch, it was like, we're fucking the second we get the driveway. So we pull into our driveway.

She pulls under the carport so none of the girls can see from the rooms. It's like one in the morning. And immediately she jumps over into the passenger side. That's right. I was drinking. She was sober. She drives into the past side. Start making out with me.

It gets totally naked. And we have what undeniably is that one of the top five sexual moments we've ever had in our entire life. One's on a jet ski. One's in my truck. And this is in that top five. I'm seeing it through line and that's on a moving vehicle. It's man in vehicles. And it was fucking outrageous.

And it was crazy. And at that moment, my wife's like, it's fucking on. I'm dating this dude like when we were young. And she just like fun stuff, fun stuff. And I mean, I can't go into too great of detail. but like I'll give you a perfect example. My wife was never like, I remember one time I said, can I, do you, we, do you want, because we've been married like 14 years and I was like, hey, would you want me to like tie you up

or something? She goes, no. I said, okay. She goes, why would you want that? And I went, I don't know, like she would, I mean this respectfully, but she would, it would feel like I was being shamed for suggesting something out of what we normally did. Sure. So I learned, that's fine.

That's her parameters. And I love this woman. We'll stay within those parameters. I remember there was like a toy one time and I suggested it and she was like I don't want that and I was like okay

alright I'm done I won't ever do that the other night she was like I should tie you up one night and I was like wait where and now this is a weird thing because I start going

is this a trick because I brought this up one time but now she is in this like let's explore let's have fun she's saying wild shit we're doing wild shit I'm behaving with her

the way you would on like a really fun, like a really fun college girlfriend. Like a really fun college girlfriend who's like, fuck it, it's summer. It's us. We're all the only ones here. Let's have fun. Let's get fucking wild. Yeah. And that's how my wife's behaving. And from, and I'm telling you, it is like, it's changed in a way where I, she knows without a doubt how I feel about her. And I know without a doubt how she feels about me. And we're like never been more connected ever fucking ever. And there was a period where

it wasn't that we were disconnected, but we just didn't have that. Was it that you were raising kids, you were building your career, and you guys were in the trenches? My wife contributes it to two things. Number one, she's getting ready for empty nest. She's getting ready for the,

because I was a senior in college, she's getting ready for when it's just me and her. She wants to make sure that I'm not, I think, I mean, I think, I think, these are all my thoughts, not hers. I think she's like, wants to make sure that I don't have a wayward eye. Because when it's just me and her, some people get depressed as fuck. We have a friend that left this chick and was like, I upgraded, fuck it.

She's 32. She's banging. And like, everyone sat back and we're like, oh, fuck, really shit. I made a joke that night and I was like, I wonder what I can upgrade to. Sure. I put it in my special. And so she, I wonder if that's part of it. The other part of it is she kind of attributes it to long COVID.

Like she feels like when she got COVID She just was in a fog And then and then we all went to these same doctors And got them to do our blood tests and blood work I got on testosterone My wife got on this thing called I shouldn't even say it I think that's it

Yeah, I think that's it Yeah, estrogen and stuff yeah And so my wife all of a sudden has this zest for life We're like she is just Fucking at it I mean This is a perfect example I mean this is so

unlike my wife though, like we had to go to Montreal, I had to get an award. And so I was like, yo, let's go to fucking widespread. I want to go to, I just casually said, I want to go to widespread panic on Sunday. She's like, let's go. I was like, what? She's like, let's go. Let's go from Montreal to Alabama and then go see widespread panic and they won't fly home. And I was like, huh? I was like, what about the dogs? There was always an excuse. Right. I got the dogs. I got the kids. Your mom's coming in Thursday. I want to make sure the house is clean. I got, you know, there was always something. And then, and then we get this invites to go to this jazz festival Saturday and Sunday.

And Leanne's like, yo, let's, let's bounce. Let's go see Mary J. Blige is going to be there. Let's go to the jazz festival. And I'm like, hold on. Like, you want to go to a jazz festival? Like, it's weird as a husband because I was always the one suggesting we should do stuff. And there was a rule. I couldn't suggest things out loud on text without running it by her first because she goes,

you're always making me look like the bad guy. Like, because I'd always be like, yeah, yeah, let's do this. And then everyone would be like, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. And then Leanne's like, we can't, we have the kids. We have the dogs. We have the this. Your mom's, you know, there was always an excuse. Now all of a sudden my wife is like a fucking gets after it.

We went to during the fully loaded tour, we had to go take Island to go look at a college. And we looked at the college. And then one of my favorite bands was playing in Chicago. And I was like, this is how you are on tour. But you're like, I don't have anything Tuesday, Wednesday, Monday, Tuesday. My show's not until Thursday. I could technically fly into Chicago, see the band on Wednesday, they get the tour bus to meet me there.

You're very free on tour. You do whatever the fuck you want, because all you got to do is get there. So if you want to take the tour bus here, go there, do whatever the fuck you want, but that's not the way my wife used to be. And then she's like, let's go see Goose. And I was like, what?

She goes, let's go see Goose, let's go to Chicago. Girls, you want to go to Chicago? And all the girls are like, yeah. Stoked. Yeah, and so then we all went to fucking Chicago, went and saw this band. My wife's jamming out. She'd never even heard them.

Now my wife found a new band. My wife has not discovered new music. That's like my biggest key to trying to stay. young right now is find new music. Like, fuck your morning sun. Find new music. Like, everyone's like, go out and find the sun and do five, 20 minutes of that and then box breathing. No sunglasses. Don't touch your phone for the first 20 minutes you're awake. Make sure to have a full glass of water. All these rules that are on there, I go, fuck it. Discover a band that you never heard of, that you've never heard of and fall in love with them. Because that

that will bring you more joy than any morning sun's going to find you. Yo, I've been crushing Pillsbury since I was a kid, you know it's great, you know that little Pillsbury dude is cute as hell. But more importantly, if you want simple recipes and you want to have a Pillsbury Cressor roll on your plate for your weeknight dinner rotation, Pillsbury's got you covered, okay? Look, I know for me, I like to have simple, easy recipes that my son's going to love and that he can you know, kind of enjoy and not overthink and it's going to have plenty of. what he needs, whether I want to do a pepperoni pizza crescent roll or a chicken, bacon, ranch crescent roll, ham and cheese crescent roll, get some of that delicious crescent roll that's classic.

I mean, I'm built like a crescent roll. Let's be honest. Have you seen my legs? I digress. But if you go to Pillsbury.com, there's plenty of recipes for that delicious weeknight kind of meal, and it's as easy as fill roll bake. Okay? dinner prep in 30 minutes or less.

And yeah, I mean, it's picky eater pleasing. And I don't mean to throw shade on my beautiful son Max, but he's picky. And sometimes it's a problem. But the reality is when he sees that crescent roll can come out, he knows he's going to have something delicious during the week and it's going to be quick, easy, and just really fun. So if you want a quick and easy spin on weeknight recipes, check it out. It's in the dairy aisle. That's right. Find more weeknight dinner recipes at Pillsbury.com.

So can you give me some advice as a guy with two kids? I have a four and a half year old and a 10-month-old. And it's not lost on me that at times where my wife and I will get into it a bit. A part of my brain goes, shut up. You have two kids under five. And that is the only explanation for anything that's an issue between you two from now and for probably like the next decade. Like we're so in it.

We're so at battle right now. In the last seven years, my wife and I, like, got married, bought a house, moved into the house, had two kids, lived in Canada for work for a year, like, went through a pandemic. I'm like, yeah, dude, we've been, we've been through quite a lot. And so a part of me goes like, no, we're not, we're not dating right now. We're like, we need to be a unit and raise these damn kids. Right now you guys are in a foxhole. Yes.

And you just got to make sure that when you peek your head up, you don't get shot. And you got to watch out for each other's back. And this, like, this period, it stinks that you have. You waited so long to have the second one because you just extended it by four years. Sure. But like this period is up until they're like until they're both, until your youngest is probably, I'm going to say 15 because you got to just, you're a team and you're a team that's not always going to be on the same page.

Like that's the other part is like, it's like my oldest smoked weed when she was 15 and I was fucking livid. And I didn't consult my wife on how do we parent this. I was just parented it the way my dad did. I parented everything the way my dad did. Raise your voice as loud as you get, scare the fuck out of everybody. Don't hit anyone,

but make sure they know we're serious. Yeah. I didn't realize that I should have just talked to my wife and be like, hey, what do you think we should do about this? I was so angry. Yeah. So angry that my kid would take away the fucking childhood. Scared too?

Like, is this a preview of more bad to come? Does this skate? What direction are we going in? You blame everyone else's kid. You don't blame your own kid. Like everyone's like, like, who got her high? And then you don't blame your own kid. Like, oh, my kid probably got, I got myself high.

I definitely was like, I want to try weed. I was complicit in my stoning. Yeah. And so I was tossing them rocks back. And so I didn't. And then I had to go, I had to work it through it in therapy about like, what, you know, how do I parent this right? And then even when I learned how to parent it right, my wife wasn't parenting it right.

Like we never really like it was just it's like because you're not ready for it It's almost like two on two basketball and the other team's been playing like for years and you guys just met So you don't have any plays together for the whole up until you're they're like 12 years old The whole time you're just bounce passing back and forth to each other like hoping they don't steal the ball Yeah Because you don't know what the fuck you're doing and and no one does and all those fucking all your older friends All your older friends give you advice they know a little bit more But they don't know much more right they don't know much more right they don't know much more

And your kids aren't their kids. Fucking, you know many times people have, like, it's crazy. You'll see parents that are so far off the rails. You'll see such bad parents. That's the funnest part about being married is shit on other parents. Oh, my God. It's gorgeous. I mean, to this day, we trashed a parent last night.

Just trashed her. And she's a therapist. They're the most fucked up. Do you, Ben, when you and your lovely wife, Claudia, if your child was caught smoking the devil, Lettuce. How old's your kid? We don't have kids. We've been together for 11 years married for six. So, so we've been together for all, uh, what, how big are your feet? They're they, they're coming off big in the camera. They're like a, they're like a 13. They look like a, they look like a 46 in this. In this view.

In this. Pull your dick out. It's nice. It's nice. I was wondering, I was wondering at what point during this episode we were going to take off our shirts, but maybe we can do it at the end. But what would you guys do if you caught your kid smoking weed? In this hypothetical situation where we do have kids, if we raised them right, my hope is that it wouldn't have been in a, like I wouldn't be worried that they're going to turn smoking weed into doing something much worse.

But who knows? I don't know. You don't know. That's the thing is that like I would say back in the day I had an answer. Yeah, you don't know. But it's until you have that precious thing. Yeah. That does all the things that you love, all the things you love that you never knew you loved.

And then one day you see them because smoking the weeds is not the bad part. I don't get a fuck about you getting high. I understand that. I'm there. It's the lying. The hiding. Yeah. It's the change of the person.

The change of the person. Snoop is the one that talked and kind of walked me through it and kind of held my hand through it. It's that your child's growing up and they don't need you or they don't want you. They don't need you and want you. And all of a sudden they're not. sitting on your lap anymore and they don't fucking want to tell you how their day was. They just want to go to the room and and we all did it, but that's the part that hurts. And so my anger was more at like her growing up.

Yeah. We had a fight today. We had a fight today. They're not a bad one, but like, you know, me going to her college is kind of problematic because she goes to Yale, right? She goes to Yale, yeah. And so she doesn't want, she doesn't want people knowing who she is. Fair.

She doesn't want people knowing that I'm her father and then that's how they care about her. Do you want to cut out the Yale part? Let's cut that out. No, keep it out. Keep it in? Yeah. Because you're literally talking about it? She doesn't want to put it out.

Does she go to the top five Ivy League school in New Haven, Connecticut? So you know it's not Yale, right? It's not Yale. I just made that up. I just made that up. It's Georgetown. So she. No, it's never going to tell anyone where she goes to school.

A girl named Georgia going to Georgia. Georgia down. She's at DeVry. She's in the University of Phoenix. Okay, good, good, good, good. University of Phoenix? Is that the New Dry? So, she's finishing med school, and she said,

she said to me, the very first time we went up there was problematic. We were dropping off for school and just kids saw me. And then they'd be like, oh shit, you're that, Georgia. And then it changes everything. No one treats her like a regular person. They treat her like something that she isn't. She's like, you know, like, and it just changed everything. So when Perrin Weekend came around that year, she was like not really certain she wanted me to go

because she didn't want me to like blow up her spot. And so, and I understood. And even during drop off, me and I like kind of dipped out and we did all the errands, like ran to Target and brought stuff back. And I didn't really hang out in the dorm. I didn't like go to, I saw her room, but I didn't like, like, Leanne was in a room and in and that, like doing everything. Yeah. So this year We were talking about parents weekend

And I just I just book shit I was like I'm not gonna fucking I'm not gonna I'm not gonna ask to go I'm gonna put it so that I So that it's easy decision for her And then I guess she said to Leanne like Dad's not going to parents weekend And then's like you clearly don't want him

At your school She's like that's not what I said And then I was like well that's definitely what he heard So we booked stuff And then she was like well that kind of hurts my feelings And Leanne's like boy hold on You were pretty certainly clear to him You didn't like him around

Because it changed away She goes, that's when I was a freshman. Things might be getting different. I don't know. Like, I don't know how I feel. So today I said to her, let me know. Let me know. And then immediately I said that, it got contentious.

And I was like, no, don't move a date. And I was like, no, do what you want to do. And I was like, motherfucker. We fight, because we're the same person. We fight like we're the exact same person back and forth. It's like fighting in a mirror. I just said my first fight with my son at four and a half. Or like my first moment of like this needs to be disciplined because we don't let him

watch YouTube. He loves YouTube. He loves Dude Perfect. He loves Ryan's toys. He loves YouTube. But there's no level of standards and practices for YouTube. Oh, none. Right?

Especially, and there's so much kid shit. But even as small, a nuance thing of like the kids are inherently whiny. Because no one's checking it. So we say like you can watch kids Netflix or you can watch kids like PBS kids. Because we just know it's been screened. It's safe. So we, but somehow it always comes on. I just go, Max, turn off YouTube.

It's not a thing. And then the other day on, Sunday I was like Max turn off YouTube and he goes I just turned it on dude I was like time out going your room time out and he was like what and my wife comes out and she has heard this now and she would love to be like calm down Josh and he goes what she goes what happened I said he said I just turned it on dude and she goes time out now like her echoing me I was like I'm going to come I was like, this is good. And he was like right upstairs, four minutes.

Time out in the corner. You know one of my favorite parenting stories is by Jason Nash. Have you heard this story? No. So his ex-wife comes down and she's like, you need to talk to Wyatt. He just said, fuck it to me. And Jason was like, what do you mean? She's like, well, he needs to be putting a time out.

So Jason went up and said, Wyatt. Mom said you said, fuck it. And he goes, yeah, I did. And he goes, well, how did you say it? He goes, what do you mean? Jason's like, well, I mean, if like, you were doing like Legos and it just got too Com kid and you're like, I fuck it, and that's okay. Because I've been there, buddy.

But if you like, we're like, hey, it was just the way like Jason's rationale. Jason's been such an interesting to like watch parent because he is still such a child. And I am such a fucking child. But like that mentality of like, if you were doing Legos and you're like, ah, fuck it. Like it just made me laugh so hard. So true. The YouTube thing is, is. tricky because you really it's impossible to parent that and you don't know what they're

getting right like I remember Ila was into she's gonna lose her shit if she hears this but she was she's always been into anime and then one time we're in the car and I was like what you're cutting that out for her sick you're welcome Ila and I go I go what are you watching and she goes I don't know this is weird anime it is fucking hencha porn I'm like oh the fuck Ila have you seen that then no but I've heard of it it's extreme for anyone who doesn't know it's like the most extreme graphic but animated porn of people getting really horrific shit. Hey, what do you think of Matt Rife?

I love him. Love him, right? Oh, yeah, of course. He's fucking crushing. Yeah. Does, what, can you comprehend that? Because I also love... No, I can't.

You talk about how, like, you always say, like, thank God I got famous later. Because you had to develop as a human, because you said, like, if I got famous in my 30s, I might have just been a gigantic asshole. Like... I would have been... I know how I feel about myself now. And I understand that that's not accurate. Like, because you believe, you start to believe your own hype at some part.

There's a part of when you start getting famous or successful where you want to tell everyone that didn't believe in you to go fuck off. That's the definite part. But when you're old enough, you realize they were right for a very long time. So you're like, you don't tell anyone to fuck off. You're just like, thank you. Yeah. Just thank you.

Like people I thought that I just thought hated me. I realized never hated me. They just didn't see it. and I was like, and I had to show it to them. Yeah, I mean, Matt's, I will say this about Matt. He's got an interesting road ahead of him. Like there's a lot of opportunities open for him. First of all, he's extremely fucking talented.

And he's also got himself here. Like, that's the other thing people need to remember. I'm not going to say other names, but a lot of the times the people that popped or blew up, they got popped or blew up because they got cast in something. Sure. And then all of a sudden they popped because they were the right fit for that, that puzzle piece and then they got ahead of themselves and thought, oh, I'm the right fit for

that puzzle. So I fit in everyone's puzzle. And so then they're like, I'm the fucking man. And then they got, and that's the assholes. That's who no one likes. I'll say his name, but I'm not going to say it out loud. But, but like there's a bunch of those. There's a bunch of those that like, and then you get like, and then like Matt Rife got himself

here. Like everyone, everyone needs to forget that everyone needs to forget thinking that this happened on accident. This didn't happen on accident. He put the work in. He grew the fan base. He did the fucking TikToks. He did the material. He's been doing stand-up for a very long time. He's worked with Ralphie Mae on the road. Wow. He's been doing the work and he got himself here. It's a big difference between getting yourself to the party and being invited by the people that threw the party. And that's, I mean, that's what I think, that's why I think Matt's going to be an interesting road to follow. Because when, because those people, when they get put in a movie,

are put into television shows, they kind of already know what they want a little bit. Is there a part, I remember I was, as we have to be ambiguous during the current strike, but I remember I was working on something that was really, you know, a big moment for me a few years ago. And I randomly had a phone call with Mr. Beast.

Dude, I just fell in love with Mr. Beast last night. Dude, he's going to be the first YouTube video. He needs to stop sending me candy bars, though. Like, I was losing weight. I was not on that mailing list. I was losing weight at a rapid zip. No. And I'm telling you, I'm averaging one to two bars of the peanut butter every night because he sent me 600 chocolate bars.

What am I supposed to do? He sent me a smores kit. I'm not going to use the smores kit. So he's great, but I just, they need to remove me. I'm getting, I'm getting too much weight. It's when I was working with Jason a lot and David Doberick on YouTube and I'd been doing social media like exclusively for years. And then I got like back into doing traditional stuff. And I'm up in Canada doing this thing for nine months.

We're chatting. And I was like, yeah, I'm working on this thing. I'm excited. And he goes, oh, yeah. He's like, but that's going to take it to YouTube for like nine months. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, why would you do that? And it's so nuts for me because I come from that world of like, no, no, like, I do YouTube to do the thing that I love.

Right. Like, this is the destination. And for him, he was like, oh, that's, that's ancient. Like, why would you care? And so to your point, it's like for someone like Matt Rife, he might never have to get the show. He may never. Dave Chappelle doesn't do movies. There's a lot.

By the way, you know, there's a hat. I mean, you're in the, you're in a different, I don't know how to, I don't know, I don't, I hope I'm not shading anybody, but you're in a different category than everyone else because you are extremely talented. And so like, so like, I'm not saying that Matt Rife isn't talented. I'm not saying that I'm not talented or Jason Nash isn't talented. But what I'm saying is we have found a lane that's working and selling tickets for us and doing the things. Like, I love doing the podcasts. I love doing my podcast. I love doing my cooking show.

I love doing, I love that it's autonomous. I love that, you know, it's, I don't love that it, during the strike, I still have an income because it, I feel, all I think about during this strike is, and I don't want to talk. I don't know anything about anything. I'm almost not going to talk about the strike, but like, I just think of all the people that aren't working. Totally. I just think of like all the moms and dads that aren't working that are stressed out. That's all I think. I've been through when it's identical to me as when the pandemic hit. And this sounds, I hope this is, people understand, but like when the pandemic hit, I pay. because I was like, how the fuck am I supposed to pay for things? That panic, I know that panic. I remember that panic is irrational and you start, and it's not a cool thing to live with. And so that's all I think about during the strike.

Totally. I'm very grateful that because of that panic that hit during the strike, during the pandemic, I created avenues to make sure that I never had that panic again. Started two bears, brought back something's burning. You know, like, I just was like, I'm not gonna be, I can't put myself through that because it fucked me up. that because it fucked me up. It's hard to be creative during that panic.

It's a lot of things that suck about that panic. But you're different. You're so fucking talented and so many levels that like that maybe that is the thing to get you there. Maybe that's your lane. Mr. Beast, his name's Jimmy, right? Yeah, Jimmy. I have a hard time calling him Mr. Beast.

Everyone's talked about him for fucking ever. Just call me Robocop. Yeah. Call me the machine. Yeah. Rogan brings up Mr. Beast to me the other night. Brought him up. Do you know Jimmy?

I said, no. He goes, you got to meet him, man. I said, really? And he goes, dude, he's fucking awesome. And you and Rogan were chilling the other night? Yeah. So you and Rogan are cool? Yeah.

Wasn't there like a rumor? No. There's no rumor. We're cutting that out. No, no, no. Keep it in. What rumor? There's certainly, there was some rumor on some comedy podcast.

You guys were beefing a little. Was it Theo Vaughn and Mark Norman? That's exactly who it was. That's Joe List. That's who they're talking about? Joe fucking list. Tell them to get their shit together. They got to get their shit together.

shit together Joe list. Someone else told me that they're like, yo, you and Joe aren't cool anymore? And I was like, no, I was with him the other night. I was literally with him the other night and his wife, we, like, yeah, everyone can go suck my dick. All the comedy sleuths need to stop. There's also a clip of... That's bullshit comedy

sluice. We are clipping this. Yeah. So that it's... Oh, by the way, clip this, comedy sluice. Comedy sluice. There's a clip of Joe talking about a friend who was so drunk, it made him depressed, and he couldn't look at alcohol the same way. And he feels bad for that friend, the guy was incoherent.

That's not fucking me, okay? Joe's never bit his tongue about talking about my drinking. If it was me, he would have said, Burt was so drunk, it's someone else. And by the way, the minute that happened with that friend, Joe called me immediately and was like, dude,

what's up with dot, dot, we should talk. Yes. But like that, Connie's sleuth, it does good for numbers, because, you know, it's like the things that do well is buzz clips or, what is it, not buzz clips, but clickbait. Clickbait. And to,

Lead someone on. Like, I was telling me about this one guy. I wasn't going to say his name. And then everyone gets to guess who he is in the comments. It's fucking shit. No, Joe Rogan and I are totally fine. So he was telling you about Mr. Beast. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. He was telling me about Jimmy. Not Carter, everybody. Jimmy. Fucking. By the way, I'm talking to them. I'm just as bad as they are. I follow the gossip just like everyone else.

I'm the same. I love it. Not any fucking different. So, the, it's so funny. That's why when I was, walked in and everyone's like bro, Bert's here. I was like, what's up, buddy?

And I'm like, oh, you guys are, it's fucking so crazy. I got to fucking call Mark Norman and Theo. Yeah, you got to go tell him what's going on. So, um, oh, shit. Jesus Christ, bro. You're too ready to show up on the corner like that. That was our producer, Marshall, just jumped scared very. You're so bright.

Like, your hair, your outfit, everything about you is so. Stand in front of the camera so everyone can see what we're talking about. And so... Marshall's so handsome. Shout out Marshall. So what the fuck I was talking about? So I was talking and he was like, you haven't met Mr. Beast? And I said no.

Casey Nice said that to me. You haven't Mr. Beast? And I was like, no. He's got to meet Jimmy. He's like, I'm saying. So then last night, I get sent these Mr. Beast bars, right? Yeah. I'm on a fast.

I think I did a video like thanking him or whatever. I get on my phone and Mr. Beast, like the fucking phone knows, shows up seven days on a. raft and I immediately go that's content I'm here for yeah and I watched it and then I started to watch all his videos yeah I will say this I've made this offer to Saturday live this is an open offer I'll forego my tour I'll cancel the entire tour and I'll do season I'll do this whole season for whatever they pay lowest whatever they pay the lowest people I'll pay it I'm good I'll be I don't even I'll just be a feature player

I don't need to be like the star. I'd like to work my way up, but I would love to do a season of Saturday Live. Like, just as like for an experience, like almost like a fantasy camp. And I'm pretty funny and I'm pretty good. I think I could help, you know, but I would love that. I love that. I think that would be a cool thing. I don't, I'm not certain about guest hosting.

I think the nerves on that would be way too much, but it would be cool to have that experience of Spade and Norm MacDonald and Farley and Sandler and all those guys had. It would be cool to like see that. Yeah. Be at 30 Rock in the writer's room at Friday night. hand that those guys have all experienced that I've always had. I'm not, I'm just saying I'm, I'm not saying I'm, I'm not saying, like, although I probably am a little, but it would be cool to have experienced that once.

Yeah. Like the fact that Malaney would go there and to get a haircut, like, just that world would be neat to dip your toe into to see what it's like. Yes. As a 50-year-old man, I'd fucking love that. I'll say that again to Mr. Beast. Yo, I'll fucking, I'll fucking stop all podcasts. Come out to North Carolina and live with you for fucking five months.

Wow. It was, but his ideas are good fucking ideas that I look at and I immediately connect to. He's YouTube brain man. He really is doing like cool shit. He's brilliant. Where I go, that is fucking fascinating. Like I was on a deep dive all mess. Not last night.

No, granted, I'm sober. So I'm like, I do have the attention span of a 14 year old. I'm like scrolling and scrolling. And I'm like, he really does know what the fuck he's doing. Like he's, it's cool. And these have 54 million views. I literally thought to myself, what? Because I have ideas that I wanted to pitch his TV shows.

I go, what if I just did them? I was like, do I have enough money to just do them? He once live streamed himself counting to 10,000. He's a genius. He's a fucking genius. And he makes so much money. Feastables made $250 million last year, the candy bars. Hold on.

Mr. Beast counted to it. 12. $10,000. It might have been more. It took over 12 hours. So when I first, I don't know, You can find the video online. When I first got on Twitter, I said if you sign up, if you add me, I'm going to write a song and put your name in it.

Thinking it would be like 100. It was like 3,000. So I sang, I played the guitar and sang for 3,000 names. Just Jimmy McCaffrey and just kept playing this. And it was like fucking ridiculous. Can we find those out there? There's a lot of things I did that are really fun. fucking hilarious.

Yeah. That are just gone. Like, you know, it's funny. I think people only know me as who I am today. But there's a part of my work that was really inspired back when I was younger, where it was like fun with no boss, no audience. Like, you've seen my, what will the maid think? No.

So I used to leave their hotel rooms in like really crazy ways and then leave a big tip so that the whole premise was, you know, I wonder what the maid will think. And so let me see if I can find one for you. Yeah. But I used to do that, and there was no audience for it. I wasn't, like, putting it on social media. Or I was putting it on Twitter at the time. You got to Google it.

It's pretty fucking awesome. I can't find it right now. Well, hang on. I should just type this. What fuck? Oh, look at that. So, like, I used to leave the room like this. Yeah, with like a crazy blow-up doll in the back.

No, that was the lamp. Oh, it was a lamp. Okay. Or, like, bed sheets, like you're climbing out from the second floor of motel. And then there were these, like, these other things I did. that were like, what was the one I was just thinking of? Not the ring, but like, like, just, I just had fun. I really had fun.

Like, as if I wasn't trying to brand it or do anything. And then right before I kind of popped, I had, like, five TV shows I was pitching that were really fun. Like, one was called moat crashers. You know, like, bath crashers and house, like yard crashers? Yeah. Mine was I want to build a moat around someone's house. Like, every man's house is his castle.

Every castle deserves a moat. You go in. And I pitched it to like networks. And they were like, that's the fucking dumbest idea in the world. Now I wonder if I could build a moat around someone's house and just go like, hey guys, and like host it. Host it. And be like, it's Burke Chrysher.

Welcome to Moat Crasher. Every man's house is his castle. Every castle deserves a moat. We got Jim here, Jim. You said you'd have a moat. And he's like, fuck it. And he's like, let's build him a fucking moat. And then you build a moat around a dude's house.

And you bring in like, and you pay for it. I did one. I had one called Blind Design, where we have a blind guy design your house. And we just design it your whole house. One was called bathrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms, where we turn every room into your house into a bathroom. Not great for you living there, the homeowner. But if you're in the shop, if you're in the market for a bathroom, that's your fucking show. I go to sleep every night watching house hunters, international or domestic.

I could see myself falling asleep to bathroom, bathroom, bathroom. All I had were these fucking shows. I had one, can I kidnap your child? Where I go, here we go. Yeah. You get a four-year-old, right? Yeah. Take him to day school, preschool?

Well, can I kidnap your child? Baby hostage. No. The whole point is. is you can't change. It works better with a 10-year-old, but you can't change anything about your family routine?

And then I see, can I kidnap your child? Now, if I kidnap your child, don't worry. He's going to Disney World with Grandma. He's going to have a great weekend. The real, that's when the game begins. Can you secure the fucking bag?

Can you go to the bank out $2.5 million out? Do you do the drop? Do you call the cops? Because if you can properly get back your child, you get to keep the fucking prize money of $2.5. Oh, I thought you're going to say, keep the kid. And keep the kid.

Sponsored by Better Help. Yeah. Because the kid's going to need that. Dude, dude, I'm telling you right now. There was, like, so many ideas I had no, I'll tell you the best one I have, I'm holding on. I'm not even going to say out loud because I'm still want to do it. But, like, I had, like, crazy ideas. And then I, like, one was something's burning.

That was a pitch I had to Food Network. I sat down and I said, I want to do a show called Something's Burning. And they're like, well, I love the name. What is it? And I said, just cooking show. And they're like, you can cook? And I was like, not really. And they're like, wait, what is it?

And I just go, why you get fucked up with comics? Yeah. And we just talk shit. And they're like, why would anyone watch that? I was like, I don't know. This thing would be good. And they're like, yeah, I don't, I don't know why that. I go, comics are funny and we're good on podcasts and we can fucking.

Good with an activity. Yeah, we're good with an activity. And we can all make fun of each other. And it'll be funny. And they're like, yeah, I don't see it. They've tried to buy it twice now, now, now, since. And so I had one called, what was it? What is it?

What is it? What's the word for old people? Geriatrics? No. Seniors. No. Fux. Sissations.

It was basically... For older people? Geriatric, senior citizens... indentured adventures. Dentured adventures. Dentured adventures. So there's people with dentures and I take them out. I go to an old person's home and I say,

guys, maybe six good months. What do we want to do? What do we want to do? I'm filling dreams. You name it. We do it today as a team. You choose to do it. If you don't want to do it, someone's like,

I've always wanted to ride a horse. I go, let's go horseback riding. Like make a wish for old people. What's that? Like make a wish for old people. Except they're not... Yeah, make a wish. It's like, who wants to ride.

Let's go skydiving. Let's go fucking skydiving. Yeah. And like, I pitched these all the travel time. I picked one called Black versus White where it was like, it was me and Warren Sapp. And by the way, he was in. And we go in and we go churches. Who's better at churches? Black people are white people.

And so, but what the thing is, me and Warren are teams, we're friends. So we go in and we see an Asian church. We see a gay and lesbian church. We see a fucking Protestant church, a Catholic church. We go see all the different churches. And then in front of a mixed congregation, we deliver our sermons. me and him. So it's basically not black people versus white people, it's Warren versus Bird, but we name it black versus white because you get the fucking views. I had so many

fucking stupid ideas that I was like, Mr. Beast, I'd love to fucking sit with him for a month. I'll just take a month. I just move in and I go, let me just be a part of your think tank. Because that's the shit that inspires me. It's like coming up with stupid fucking ideas. And then Mr. Beast going, let's live on a raft. I'd live on a fucking raft in the middle of the ocean for a week. Are you shitting me? Are you fucking. kidding me? That guy's badass. I just deep dove him. That's so funny. I just deeped over him last night. Burke Kreischer. What an honor. Subscribe. Do the things. Ben. What's our final point. Find this everywhere. Bert, it was unbelievable to have you. This episode is no less than five stars. If you give it anything

less, honestly, you're probably anti-Semitic and you shouldn't be listening anyways. Five stars. I agree with that. Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher. We don't know, honestly, all the places. It's anywhere that you can find it. YouTube, YouTube, courtesy of, uh, Jim, Keeves. Listen to bears, jim, Two Bears One Cave is my podcast. I got a podcast called Burkast. I got a cooking show called Something's Burning. I can promote my special because that's not in the union, correct? No, 100% it is.

No. Anything in Netflix is. Yeah. Okay. Edit that out. You got it. I'd like to promote my cooking show something's burning, my podcast, Burkast, and my other show with my buddy Tom Segura.

Two bears one cave, and that's it. I got nothing else going on. Yeah. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.