Good Guys - Three Way with Chris Distefano

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Where can you find 3 sweaty (but gorgeous beautiful amazing and hilarious) guys?? Right here! Happy Monday babe, Chris Distefano is here! This episode is all over the place, in the most beautiful and gorgeous way. The guys discuss how being gay would be better, how being fat is a personality trait, Staten Island: the borough of parks, moving out of the suburbs, being anti-recycle, tipping $20, rental cars, pooping so hard it takes your breath away, the Crapper, and MORE! What are ya nuts?! Leave us a voicemail here! Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. Sponsors: Find your new favorite fits and get 15% off @marinelayer with our exclusive link marinelayer.com/GOODGUYS15 #marinelayerpod Download the Drizly app or go to Drizly.com  Go to Nutrafol.com code GOODGUYS to save $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping Get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com/GOODGUYS You can buy a car from Vroom entirely online. So, next time you need to buy a car, just grab your phone, go to Vroom.com, and check out thousands of cars Hero Bread is offering a special 10% off your first order with the code GOODGUYS at Hero.co Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The following podcast is a dear media production. I'm Josh Peck. And I'm Ben Sauffer. And we're the good guys. There's a lot of guys out there. And we're the good ones. Welcome to the Good Guys podcast. Today we have Chris DeStefano.

Hello. Hello. First of all, I just want to say, I love your guys merch. Thank you. I like the coffee cup, Good Guys, New York City merch. And normally, I'm in a weird mode today because normally I have the chain in the shirt and the glasses on. But today I have the glasses off and the chain out. Wow. And it's a different vibe and a different energy. And I'm hoping that my Jewish brothers right here will still accept me being a little

bit different and trying something new. This is a piece of jewelry with my children's initials on it. And I brought it home for my girlfriend and I thought that it would be really nice that she would love it. And she said, why did you get me a license plate with the kids initials on it? I love it. I love you. It's fantastic. We should get them. Well, you're Chrissy Gold Chains now. I am CGC. But you're also Chrissy Nice Watch. I am Chrissy Nice Watch. And what I'll say about this purchase, let's talk about, let's quickly throw to my friend, our friend Ryan Holiday from the Daily Stoic. What I quickly say about this purchase is, do you know the story? Yes. You do? Sure. Okay. Let's talk about Epic Teas's lamp. So Epic Teas. If you don't know, do you know the story? I don't know it. Okay. Also known as Epic Titus. Epictetus. Epicetus.

I like to go epic teas. It's like eczema. It's like eczema, exactly. By the way, we're three, I'm not, you two are Jewish, I am Catholic, but the three things we have in common, three circumcisions right here. We got three beautifully four skinless penises. Where'd you have it done? Where'd I do mine? I did mine in 1984.

The park? We did mine in the park. St. Matthias there in Ridgewood. Shout out Father Bill. He did it. No, Novocaine. just kind of did it with his hands and it was great. No gloves, teeth.

So Epic, Epictetus, Epic. Epictetus's lamp story is he had this really nice lamp, okay? Epp. And he had this lamp and he was doing everything to protect this lamp, right? He just loved this lamp. And then somebody came in in the middle of the night and stole his lamp. And he was like, oh my God, the lamp, right? Somebody stole the lamp.

and then he realized, I've been putting so much effort into caring for this lamp, protecting this lamp. This lamp, the carrying cost of this lamp, was too much. And then he said, you can only, you can only lose what you have. Meaning, he then just bought another lamp that could easily be replaceable. And he realized after some time he loved that lamp, just like he loved a really expensive one. And the story of this watch is, is I bought this watch thinking I would love it, you know, an accomplishment, in careers. And the truth is, I spend so much time in energy and insurance caring for this watch that if somebody stole it off my wrist, you'd be doing me a favor. And I would actually, if you put a gun to my head, I would, I'd put it on the barrel of the gun.

Yes. Is what I do. And I'd give it back to you. Because it's not that I don't want it. It's that I've realized after wearing it so much that the carrying cost of this watch for me is too much. And I don't really care about it the way I thought I would care about. The good news is you've kept it in pristine condition. So I'm sure somebody could offload it for you for a pretty penny. I don't know when you bought it, but I know the market's been booming. I will sell it. And the way I keep it clean is I spit on it every morning. Nice spit shine. And then I like to get my family all in a line before school. They all spit on it. And daddy gives it a nice rub down. Just come spit on my watch. Ben, you watch guy, would you, you know, when you had a little bit of scratch, would you buy yourself a little something, a little roly? No, because I've had a Rolex and I've lost it. You lost. Wow.

Did you have insurance? Yeah. Oh, no. No, it's gone. So what happened? How'd you lose it? I went golfing. I put it in my golf bag.

I forgot about it for a month and it was no longer in my golf bag. How much? I think it was probably like nine grand. It was a big hit. Yes. It wasn't fun by any means. And I just sort of to the point of what you were making, I don't need it. Like if I were to buy it, it's a job.

It's something that I need to look after. I have a dog. I have a wife. I have myself. I don't need an. an amn an object that I need to check up on and, oh no, where is it? Like, you lose your keys. Okay, you get some new keys. I had the lose your wallet. What's the worst thing it could happen? 200 bucks, replace some credit cards. Your watch, you're so worried that somebody's going to come

cut off your wrist. I don't need it. I took the subway this morning. Only thing I was worried about was passing out because it was so hot. I wasn't worried about getting stabbed for my watch. Right. You don't need it. You don't need it. You don't have it. And even with keys, I barely, I don't even have keys anymore. Everything I do now is the key pad lock. I love the keypad lock. I have it on my I have it on my car. If you want to get into anything that I value, you know the code. People who know me, I only have one code for any type of four-digit code of any keypadlock. It is only one number and one number only and will always be 1776.

USA. That's one of those, folks. Do you think it at anyone? Nobody's getting their hands cut off on the six train. I feel like our parents always told us that. But like in reality, no one's getting their hands cut off. Are they? Yeah.

It's scary. It's like, it's pretty sketch. They're getting socked in the face. Okay, fine, yeah. There are machetes anymore on the sixth train. Yeah, no one's taken out like, can you imagine? I can't, I will say, I was on the train yesterday, though, and there was a guy with a club. He had like a metal pipe club, and he was walking up and down.

I actually, it was actually pretty cool to see this. He was walking up and down the aisles of the train with the club, not saying anything. It was pretty frightening. People just reading, whatever. And then he starts going into a, like, this chant, this speech. this speech, this fiery speech about how white people are the worst and the Europeans are the worst and Europeans control all the money and not all white people are bad, but mostly, most of white people are bad. And I was agreeing. I was like, yes, I kind, you know,

big black guy. I was like, listen to you're kind of preaching to the choir. We know. And he just keeps going on and he was screaming, screaming, screaming. And then there's white dude who didn't really look that in posing, but kind of, I guess just had enough. And he was, like he said very calmly to him, which when in adversity, you know, when we're some violence about to happen, somebody who's very calm, that's very scary to me around. I'm like, okay, this person has done this before. This person is very calm under pressure. So very calmly, he just said, hey, sir, you have a right to this public platform. I get it. He goes, I'm paraphrase, I couldn't remember exactly, but he said, you can speak on the train. It's no problem at all.

He goes, you're really starting to scare some of us, though. So if you could just get off this train and start this up on the next one, we'd all really appreciate it. What do you do? He just like looked and he was like, you know, he kept saying that government, he's like, government, the mind. You hear the word mind in government. I was like, you really don't, but I'm agreeing. And then he's just saying, government, the mind. And then he got off the train. He got like off the train the next stop and was like, government, government, the mind, don't forget. And then we were like, yeah, I mean, you know, we haven't forgotten because it's literally, it's so stupid. And then he just looked, he ice grilled the guy as the train doors was closing and then just

stayed off the train. And then people started to like slowly clap for the like guy. And I was like, wow, look at that. Why is the government CIA and Jews part of the crazy people handbook? It's always when all else fails, go to that three. Those are the big three. That's the Mount Rushmore and the Jews. I mean, yeah, Jews, how does it feel to be Jewish lately? Pretty great. It's really solid. It's really solid. Yeah. I lead with it. I love it. Yes. Yeah, this is not the time for me to look like the Nazi of comedy. This is not, this is the wrong face and look to have right now for the anti-Semitism. That's just, but I just want to let you know, even though yes, I do have a Nazi herkin and Nazi face. I am one of what would be one of the good Nazis and I do, I love my Jewish brothers, sisters. I like, I am not, you know, I'm not a gay man, but but more and more I'm like, I get how being gay is just a bit easy. easier, I think, than being in a heterosexual relationship. Now my girl's at the point in our relationship, we have three kids, you know, we're almost 40. She's like, what do we do to spice this up?

And I'm like, I don't have the energy to spice anything up. If you want, I could put some nutmeg in your pussy, whatever. I'm not, you want pumpkin spice in your ass. I'm not, I'd almost rather, I'm so exhausted by the idea of trying out spice it up. I'd almost rather get cooked. I'd rather pay for someone to come in and really pleasure her out. So she's just, because when she's happy, the cooking is just so much better. And I just, I'm at the point now where I just don't care. I mean, you want people to be happy in the relationship. But when she brought that up to me yesterday,

I was exhausted by the thought of trying to spice anything up with her where I was like, you know, I rather just bend over and get it in the ass from a man. You try food? What do you mean? Food normally helps spice things up. Go to a nice dinner. Get things exciting. Oh, I thought you meant putting like whipped cream on her nipples and stuff.

Oh, you could do that too. That'd be fun. That's different. Yeah. I like that. It sounds great, but it's not good in practice. It's sticky. It's weird.

It's a yeast infection waiting to happen. I also don't want anybody looking my nipples. Why not? You look like you have good nipples. I do have good nipples. That's why they're mine. I don't want anybody touching them. They're for me only.

It's not a pleasure center for me, mostly because my body's been reconstructed due to plastic surgery and morbid obesity. So I don't really have nerves anywhere, but it's fine. My torso is my own. You know what you have still, which is beautiful, is you have a great body now. and you've changed, but you still have an obese person smile. That's so kind.

Tell me what. Which is a positive thing because I always found like you get happy when you hear the thought of food. Like you can make food like if you think about me, if I put ham and cheese or something all over me, the trigger in your brain would that would make you happy, right? Food made you happy. And I still feel that. And your core is still very happy. You've just now controlled your eating habits, which is a beautiful thing.

but you still do have a fat smile. Being fat is a personality trait. It is. You can always tell when somebody was fat. They're much nicer. They're much funnier. Yes. Down to earth.

So the energy. Or depressed and want to kill themselves. But that's a, I got all of it. No, you have positive. Like, it's almost like, you can't not like you guys. You're just,

even the podcast, you know, when I watch it, when I see the clips, I'm like, oh, these guys are just nice guys. They just feel like nice. Now, you may be, behind the scenes,

pieces of absolute shit. People think that. But I don't, but the end. energy, perception is reality, right? That's all that matters. And the perception is, you guys are great guys. And from everything I've, you know, witnessed so far,

you guys are great guys. And you guys are great sweaty guys. We're all sweating in here because the heat is on. We are. And $100 to anybody who gets rid of the fly. If the fly comes across you and you kill it, I take 100 out of my wallet. It's a special guest.

Yes. So a special guess. Yeah, the flies here from Hamas. It's a Hamas fly. This episode of the Good Guys podcast is brought to you by Drizzly. Now, you know it already. We love Drizzly on the Good Guys podcast. Don't want to go out, a little bit too lazy. You know, it's freezing cold outside. Who wants to do their own alcohol shopping? Nobody. Go on the Drizley app or go on Drizzly.com and have somebody

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wine, and spirits. This episode of the Good Guys podcast is brought to you by TalkSpace. Let's face it, the holidays can be a lot. Family, friends, it's a lot,

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We were talking about Staten Island before the podcast, and I think that's where we should go. Okay. Listen, let me tell you something about Staten Island. I think it's a beautiful borough, the borough of parks. If you don't know that people who don't in New York, there's five boroughs, Staten Island is the one that most people have never been to. The borough of parks over the Verrazano Bridge, Giovanni Vazano Bridge, beautiful, a very, very culturally diverse place. A lot of people think it's just Italian mafiosos, which they are definitely there, but very culturally diverse. The block I lived in had Lebanese, had Indian, had, you know, Italian, had Asian.

We were nice. We were like a community college. And beautiful place. It is, the perfect word to describe it, a schlep. It is a schlep from to get from Staten Island to Manhattan. So I had to move, sold a house after only a year and a half. I sold it. I was embarrassed to put it up on the market as quickly as we did.

And I held that in. I held that in selling the house, wanting to sell the house because I thought my family would, you know, be like, what are you crazy? They all were like, no, we were just waiting for you, the biological male of the family, to tell us that we were going to move because none of us, not that we didn't like it here, but we feel like we're in the middle of nowhere. So I was like, okay, so we moved. And I will tell you this for me personally, I thought having a house, you know, and at five bedroom, you got it. No, a miss. Damn it. We're going to get that.

We're going to get that. I thought having a five-bedroom house with an in-ground pool, with a backyard, with the car pull up right in front of the house, I thought this is the American dream. This is what's going to make me happier. No. It didn't work for me. I did not feel I own the house. I felt the house owned me. I felt my girl felt the house owned her.

We have now moved from a house into a house. into a small apartment. We are so much happier there because we are outside in the world meeting new people every day. I think the energy of other people, some people are not this way, but I am this way.

The energy of other people is what makes me happy. Not, you know, 25 foot ceilings and five bedrooms where we're just sitting there alone in different corners of the house. I don't like that. Now we're in a forcibly cramped setting.

We're watching movies together every night when we're all home. We're eating together every night. We're talking to each other. we're playing games. Things have improved drastically. So much to the point where my girlfriend hinted at me last night that she wants to spice it up, aka she's probably having an affair. But maybe one more kid? Maybe one more kid. Wow. We could throw one more kid in there. My wife wants another one. I got two. You have two. Yeah, I have three. Yeah. How old is you're

youngest? Just turned one. That's the prop. Do you have kids? No. See the prop that the fly almost one in your mouth. You saw that right? It was so close. The problem is it's because it's too hot. He I think we're in the Amazon. It's like an Amazonian play. You see him? You see him? Get him, get him, baby. Get him.

That's a million. This is a million view clip right here. I can fucking feel it. I mean, I don't know where he is, but. Did you make money on the house? I did make, oh, I broke even on the house. Okay, that's good. That's good.

That's good. I live there for free for eight. I live there, you know, for 18 months. That's the fear with the house. Because the house, you put so much money into the house. Even if you don't want to put money into the house, something breaks new doors. If you're near, I know my brother-in-law's live in Florida.

They needed to put in all these hurricane-proof windows. They sell you on $20,000 windows, which I guess you need because otherwise your house is going to go away like the Wizard of Oz. We renovated the kitchen, lived in like the basement for three months of us living in the house, and the kitchen was renovated. We had the renovated kitchen for about two months and sold it. So it is crazy. It is kind of crazy that we did this.

And now, but I mean, I'm happier. I mean, you know, we have to adjust and stuff. but I don't know. I just thought I realized that I'm not a house guy at all. Now I don't, now I live in a building where I am not responsible for anything but my little property that I own. I don't have to worry about the outside. I throw the garbage down a shoot. It's none of the, I pay for this to not be my problem. And I, I like that. Some guys feel like, oh, I want to mow the lawn. I want to, great. That's good for you. I respect that. I'm not that guy. I'm more of a housewife. I want to take on the role of a housewife. Does you be?

building make you recycle? Because my new building makes you recycle. But how do they know? Don't ask me. I don't know. I'm the most anti-recycling ever. Simply because, simply because if I knew that when I separate my plastics, that the lovely garbage man is going to take that and recycle it, no problem. I'll recycle every freaking day. But I know he's taking it with the garbage and putting in the same thing anyways. It's 100% performative. I'm putting them in two different places. They're taking them, putting them in the same place and throwing them in the ocean. Exactly. And that's... How do they get in the ocean? Tell me. They throw it in the ocean. They must throw it in. The garbage meant from Staten Island throw it in the ocean.

They do. And I think that like I know my building and yours building is probably the same. When you throw this garbage down the shoot, there's a humongous garbage bag in the compactor at the end of that. Oh yeah. And then it all goes into one thing and they compress it. And then the super's just take those garbage bags and throw them out. So there's no way that you would know if or not I'm recycling. And I've heard that recycling uses more energy than not recycling. I don't know if it's true or not. It's a ruse. I don't know.

I saw it on TikTok. That's where I get my information. That means it's 100% true. Isn't it amazing though? Like when you, like growing up in New York, you throw your shit down that incinerator. I could throw a baby down there radioactive waste. I go, this is no longer my problem. Did you grow up in New York?

Yeah, I grew up in the city. Wow. And hell's kitchen. Yeah. Wow. And it was not nice when you grew up there, right? In the 90s, it wasn't sleepers. but it wasn't great.

Right. It wasn't great. And I just remember, and now I've had my own house for the last year, and you don't want to know how protective you get over these garbage bins. Like you start negotiating,

because they only come once a week. By the way, from listening to your podcast, I started to wax my garbage men. Yes. Peel off a couple 20s. Now, they beg me for more trash. You're like, you sure this is it?

You don't have to do it in the city. When you live in the city, you don't. If you live like on Stenell and California, whatever, when you have these garbagemen that you're going to see, you got to grease,

these guys. You gotta give them. I mean, Christmas, these guys were getting hooked up. I know that I was a good tipper when we put our house up for sale and then people started, you know, who work, who were working with me on the house, we're like, no, don't go. They were so mad. I'm like, oh yeah, because you know I'm overtipping you. That's what it was. Let me ask you guys, let's take a poll with three men who are doing well, Baruchasheb. Thank God. And let's do the cross too, because I'm married to a Catholic. You know, our father who I need you the triangle. I want to try it, yes. Into the thing.

Can we no longer tip fives for anything? What's the minimum? I'm realizing a 20 is now the minimum tip. I think a five is acceptable for valet. I don't think so. Not anymore. Really? It's a big podcast.

Can't give a five for valet? I think, I think that a five for valet is, the only time I would give a five for valet is if I was staying at, say, a hotel. And, you know, I would just need to get the car for a second to drive somewhere quick and then come back, I'd give them a five, but for the most. But I do agree with Josh is $10 and up minimum, especially if they recognize you from your podcast, then you might have to. Of course.

You have to almost give a 50 then. I mean, I had my, my, my, come on. I was on my comedy, I'm on my comedy tour. And my tour manager is new. Great guy, great guy. He has a credit card that I give him, said, just use this. so it's easier, and then we settle at the end. We went out to dinner, okay, after the show.

The waitress recognized me, took a picture with the restaurant, very nice. The bill was $200. This guy gave a 20% tip. I said, are you a fucking asshole? 20%. He goes, I figured it was good. I mean, $200. I gave them 40, 45 bucks.

I said, go back in there right now and tell them to scan my credit card for one penny, just so we can have. And then you give them $350. Wow. You have to, you have to, now, now we have to pay because of you. Wow. Because of you, now I have to go, now I have to give 150% tip. Yeah. Don't let it happen again.

That's crazy. You have to protect your reputation. You have to. You have to. I love this. This is good. Yeah, it's good. It's good.

It's good. It's a fly. This is, this is three men. If you're going to have a guest, then really have the guest. I'm with you. We should be naked. Have the energy of the guest. This episode of the Good Guys podcast is brought to you by Nutrafol.

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promo code good guys. That's neutrofoil.com promo code good guys. This episode of the good guys podcast is brought to you by Marine Layer. I found my new favorite clothing brand, especially for the holiday season. You know, we're going to Utah as a family.

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That's MarineLayer.com slash Good Guys 15. for 15% off your entire order. Saving your closet one shirt at a time. That's Marine Layer, M-A-R-I-N-E-L-A-Y-E-R dot com slash good guys 15. Good Guys, 1-5. Can you imagine, though, because I feel like we could all be in love emotionally, if we could just add that one pesky element of physical intercourse, we'd be done.

Sure. So many less headaches. Understood. I don't want to, but... This is a relationship that we're in right now. This is what happiness is. Yeah. You know, like, if you told me to get up and take the garbage out or...

The fly. Why are you leaving the... The flies in my mouth. Is it? Yeah. He's right there. He's right there. The only way to break the chain is if...

Oh! God damn! It's so go. One more! Oh! Oh! Yes! My guess is unhinged.

It's out of a lot. We're talking about male intercourse? Male intercourse. Yeah. Just women are so great. Oh, we were talking about tipping. No, we got to ignore the fly. The fly is rushed.

It's flying. Tipping. Josh and I, we were in Queens. Oh, Parkside. Have you been to Parkside? Parkside's the best. Great. We went to Parkside,

and after we went to Corona ISIS. Yes. Went to go get ISIS, right? And just went to go, wanted to pay for the ICE. The lovely guys of Corona knew who Josh was. Yes. Because they knew who Josh was,

that ices, they wanted to give it to us for free. I didn't want it for free. I wanted to pay $5. Yeah. Because it was free. I had to give them $20. Because what am I going to do, right? You give me free Ices. I say, thanks so much. Yeah. Take it. No, of course, you have to tip them. You have to tip them. So it was $5.00 ices that then cost me $4x. 4x. And this is just how it works. You have to understand. Now, some people will just take that stuff for free. And what they don't know is that people talk shit about them.

You've heard, we all know the names of, oh, I've heard so and so is cheap. And I don't want that stink on me. You do not want to be known as the guy who's cheap. You cannot wash it off. Somebody accused me of being cheap at a bar once. They said I didn't tip on a beer. But really what they were doing is they were spreading a rumor about me is because we were filming something in front of the bar.

And this bartender was backing up. and she fell over a pile of garbage in front of me and 10 other comedians. And we laughed hysterically and I put it in slow motion in the bit that we eventually posted. And she fell into a pile of garbage in front of literally like 10 New York City comedians. It's the worst possible scenario to happen. And then I went to that bar a couple of weeks later. And I did tip. I did tip because I always tip.

But she was mad at me because she's the one that fell over the garbage and then spread a rumor. that I didn't tip. And I just want to say, I know what you did. And it's not my fault. You fell into a pile of garbage, you idiot. In front of 10 comedians. That's the word. I always tip and I always will tip, okay?

So don't, I will sell this watch and buy your fucking bar. I just, have you guys done, have you guys in the automated parking before where it's a robot? Listen, I just did it, but there's a person there because there has to be, because there's no,

real, like you need a human there. So I'm going in, I'm fucking it up. I'm not, so it's these automated parking garages, you know, but the people might not. And it's all robotic. They don't touch your car. It gets moved up. It's very Tokyo, Tokyo drift. And you catch my Tokyo drift. And so I'm there. And this guy comes out and he goes, it's not right. I go, help me. Help me, sir. I said, I'm new to this. Help me. Nice guy. So I think. So he's teaching me fine. I put it there. So I go, I pull this move. It's a rental. I don't fucking know this thing. I do a quick I do a quick cursory

video of the car. I do a 360 video of the car. I go anything happens to the car. Here it is. Video proof. This wasn't here when I got here. He goes, no claims. I go, no, no, I know. It's just a rental. I've never done this before.

He goes, it doesn't matter. No claims. We don't honor anything. I'm like, I get it. I'm like, but you do because there's, you know, like, we're not Wallace. Yeah. The Wild West. He's like, don't even delete the video.

I go, sir, I'm doing it. I'm going to leave the car here, which is probably a bad idea, but I'm keeping the video. Yeah. I'm like, if there's no claims, why don't you shoot it with a shotgun for fun? He's going to. He's going to key your car. He had a plan the whole time. No claims.

I was like, I could not believe that this was the response I'm getting. Yeah, the city's nuts. Well, the city, and do you know, a lot of these, a lot of these, a lot of of these valet guys or that you know when you park in lots like that they'll take your car and drive it somewhere that's what i hear oh yeah that that that happens they'll take they'll eat in your car they'll nap in your car love it depends yeah that your car there's listen and i don't care i'm paying money to park my car with you there's a kind of unwritten rule that it's like if you want to do something to the car what am i going to do i'm not here to stop you right what can i do i let my

brother-in-law use my car went to my garage taking the glasses off just want to let you know went to pick him they looked great by the way thank you But I'm going to keep the chain in. So now the glasses are off, but the chain is in. So this is yet a different guy. This is a third guy. Okay. Brother-in-law goes to pick up my car at my lot.

Okay. He says, can I have the, gave him the spot number, Ranger Rover Sport, humble brag. Love it. Land Rover, Brooklyn. Picks it up. Land Rover Brooklyn, shout out. Just in case, by the way, if you want a car,

Land Rover Brooklyn, they're good. I love Landlo-Roeblood. I'll connect you. I'll connect you. He goes to pick up the car. He calls me. He says, all right, I just parked the car. When did you get Florida plates?

I'm like, I didn't, Bozo. I've never lived in Florida. I live here. Whose car are you in? Stop. Swear to God, they gave him a different car. So that's how I know that even if they don't take the car up of the joy ride, maybe somebody else takes the car out for a joy ride.

They gave him a different Range Rover. So what happened? He returned it and nobody ever knew. Nobody ever knew. How far did he drive with the wrong car? He actually used it to pick up a dresser on Facebook Marketplace side. See? It was like he treated it like a U-all.

Yeah, yeah. And he used it and he brought it back. No problem. He's like, hopefully they give me a Ford F-150 next time. That's so funny. Yeah, I guess, yeah, stuff like that. Happens. How can they be this organized?

We pretend that they're going to be that organized. They have 300 cars. Yeah. It's hard. Well, dude, I mean, people will give, you know, when you have babies, the amount of paperwork you have to sign and wristbands and all that when you are given your baby to leave the hospital. Yeah. is insane because people forever, for all of eternity,

have been given the wrong babies. After they get delivered, they just give them the wrong baby. And then I guarantee you, there are stories throughout history where, like, somebody was raised thinking that that's their mom and dad, but they were just given the wrong baby at birth. And they never knew anything. They died thinking like, that's my mom and dad. And it's like, no, it wasn't.

That's nuts. The craziest thing. When my son was born, my five-year-old, I remember it was the last night we were in the hospital, and the nurses are cool. They're hooking us up. They're throwing us free formula. It's gorgeous, right?

Swaddles up the end. I thought you said we were hooking up. Like, the nurses were hooking up. Me and the charge nurses. We're getting real dirty. And so the last day we're there, they come in, they go, because it's not really, you know, like, it used to be that they put the kids in, like, the nursery

and the dads are looking through it. It doesn't happen anymore. They leave the kid with you pretty much the whole time, right? Well, mine was putting a nursery. I don't know what kind of crazy hospital you were in. Like, let's just leave the kid. No, they leave the kid with. We're listening to your podcast.

You're fine. Yeah, they leave them with you. Little place called Cedar Sinai. Don't mean to brag. It's a big one. It's fancy. Yeah. And so the, but the last night, they're like, listen, you guys are never going to sleep again.

Let us take the baby to the nursery for like five, six hours. Get some rest, mom and dad, because you're leaving in the morning. We're like, beautiful. Beautiful. An hour later. I'm asleep on the cot. Two nurses, two doctors come in. Throw the lights up.

And they go, hey, something happened. I'm like, oh, no. And they go, not a big deal. We noticed that your son, he was, he was pooping. And he kind of, he was really pushing. And he started to lose color in his face. And he turned gray. He stopped breathing.

Yes. For, you know, three to nine seconds. But eventually, he did poop, and he got his breath back. Yeah. We just wanted to, we just want to let you know. And I go, hold on. You mean to tell me that my son was pushing so hard, he took his own breath away? Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

So that was my way. And you were like, well, that's my kid. Yeah, God bless him. You do it. I mean, who hasn't taken a breathless poop? Yeah, shirtless is the best. Well, what my thing is too, I, and this is, unless in a public restroom, but when I am home, I, 95% of the time, poop completely butt naked socks off.

A lot of smart. I do. It's sweaty in there. Your feet fall asleep. Is that a fat thing? No, it's just a human thing. That's a human thing. And we're not even supposed to be pooping that way.

The toilet bowl, do you know that crap is called crap because the man who invented the toilet was named Thomas Crapper? Yeah, that's why it's called crap. I think it's Thomas Crapper or John Crapper. Wow. But his last name was Crapper and he invented,

I think he's the guy that invented the toilet or something to do with like the big historical significance of the toilet. Was intercourse invented by Tom Fucking? Tom fucking. So, so, but we're not supposed to be pooping like that. You're supposed to be pooping the Asian cultures. They have at the best that, that kind of poop on the hole. That's the way our butts are designed.

The squats. What do you squatty potty? Poop like poop on, like on the floor, I meant to say. Got it. Yes. A little hard. This is nuts. That's nuts.

I work too hard to poop like this. Yeah. You have amazing flexibility. I really do. Really good. Wow. And you have no pain in the knees or hips. You have pain free.

No, and this is a former physical therapist. Doctor. We're with a doctor. Yes. This episode of the Good Guys podcast is brought to you by Vroom. We all know how much of a hassle buying a car can be. You spend so much time driving around trying to find the perfect car, negotiating over price and worrying about the quality of the vehicle.

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You're a former physical therapist. I am. Well, I'm actually a recently, you know, after the pandemic, or in the middle of the pandemic, I should say, I am actually licensed physical therapist because Governor Cuomo of New York reinstated every health professional at the top of COVID, height of it all you had like because my license had lapsed thank god he did that and he just was like you know what i'm giving everybody the green light i'm like i haven't practiced physical therapy in 10 years there's nothing i could do to a patient who can't breathe i would i would kill them and they're like you're in you're in getting to the front line have you seen quomo on his unapology tour as of lately but did he have the nipple ring was that ever proven quomo have i didn't even hear that

he had a nipple ring but there's the picture of him standing up there did you see this where he has a nipple ring it's a good album title and Andrew Cuomo's nippling. I mean, listen, man, the guy, if you have a nipple ring, you'll get a vote. For me, I don't like any more now like a politician. Like people, like politicians will like, you know, get disqualified if you find some like dirty laundry. Like they, you know. Look, that's a bar, right?

Let's see. That's a bar. That's nipple cancer. That's one or the other. One or the other. What do we think? What do we think? What do we think?

Is he have the world's ugliest nipples or the world's raddest nipples? I would say radis nipples and I would say, you know, if you're a woman over 50, a white woman over 50, you want to have sex with this man. For sure. You want to have sex with, he's a hunk. Yeah, starting at Chelsea Handler and older. Right, right. Because she said she was very attracted to him. Is that your wife for your phone?

Yeah. That's beautiful. Thank you. I saw a little kissy pick. What's your background, kids? Kids, got the girls, got my kids right here. Oh, gorgeous. Yeah, my babies.

Yeah, I got these little humans. Look at those, man. I always say I didn't want to have kids. I just needed a new phone background. Once I said my phone background, it's like that for three years. Right. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never change it. I mean, you know, you were saying earlier that your wife, I think, wants to have a kid. Are you prepared to go through? Because you're at one. I have a two-year-old. You know, we're getting to these stages now of like them getting out of diapers, you being able to get somewhat of a normal life back when they're three, four, they could kind of just sit there. They'll go to bed. Like right now, I'm at a point where it's like my two-year-old doesn't listen. You know, it's two hours to get her to bed. It's an issue. You go through those terrible twos. Can you do that again? Because you're like you're a, are you year or two away from like getting your life back. Are you willing to start over and have a baby from scratch right now?

Are you willing to do it? Not unless I get a TV show. I'm going to need a lot of scratch coming in. No, I told my wife this. We didn't have a night nurse. We did the thing. Same with us. We went up with a kid.

We always had someone who would come like during the day for a few hours just like give a break for a minute. But like we didn't have extensive help. And I told my wife, I'm like, if we have another kid, I did it. I proved to myself that I could get up with two kids. night train, the whole thing. I was like, I want to have a night nurse. I want to do it up the night.

So I think if we had the means and we didn't have to sweat it, I don't think you ever regret having that kid, right? No, I don't think you ever regret having the kid, and I do agree with you. And I am in the same boat. I want to throw money at it. If I had a third child,

what I would do is beg the good people of Patreon to really just start giving me your money, and I would film it, I would do whatever you wanted. I would put my heart and soul out there, but I would say there is absolutely no chance in hell. I agree with you 100%. I could do a third kid, or now with me would be a fourth kid without a night nurse.

I could not, absolutely could not do it. Yeah. How much is a night nurse? It's a lot. It's like $40 an hour, 10 hours a night. So you're talking about $400 a day for how long? Could be three months. You're talking about...

It's significant. There has to be... You can't put up like an Instagram post. There's not like a night nurse company. No, there is. You could go. There's different websites and stuff. I personally think that one, if you have the means, is worth the investment. I have people that, they'll keep that night nurse. They'll keep that, they'll, they'll just employ the night. Like, the night nurse will just be with them, live with them. The night nurse becomes like, you are with my child. You are with this one. There's always one kid that's just going to be like, I don't have the energy to like, I can't love you and give you the energy the same way I did your brother and sisters. I just can't do it. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm, you know, like, I think if my girl, got pregnant again now, she might even drink through the pregnancy. She's like, it's fine. It's fine. People are smoking weed through pregnancy now, which can't be advisable. I just like, you just don't do anything or do everything. One or the other. Right. I'm hard to go home.

Go harder to go home. No, no gray zone. Because he never really know, right? Like, it's no glory. I don't know. Yeah. Can you really not eat tuna? Maybe you can eat tuna. I don't know. There's so many lies. There's so many, because then, you know, I love history. I'm a big history fan. And so I read these history books and like always reading like I'm really obsessed with like colonial America. And I'm always like reading about like colonial America. It's like I finish one book. I'm on to a next book. You know, like the way that like people used to give birth like on the frontier in the 1700s like there was no prenatal care. There was no they didn't they would eat too. They would eat whatever they could get. And most of these kids were fine. The ones that made it through,

most women made it through childbirth. The kids were fine. They were fine. And they just, you know, I mean, kids died and stuff because the world was different place back then. But this whole idea of like if you don't take your folic acid, your kid's not going to be okay is like ridiculous. It was made. It's made up by like modern science. For sure. You know, I mean, it definitely helps. Take your folic acid. Do your prenatal care. Absolutely. Do it up. Yes. But I'm just saying pelvic wall. If you didn't do it, I think you'd probably be okay. I mean, I don't know. I'm not a doctor. I'm a physical therapist. Should we, before we go, we got to get.

I was saying maybe we'll do a speak pipe or two. And we should do what are you nuts. Yes, definitely. And so you start thinking about it. Our what are you nuts moment of the week is our gripes with people, places and things. Okay. Something small, something big that's annoying us. Take your time.

It makes you want to say, what are you nuts? Got it. You've got all the time. But we also get speak pipes. We get call-ins from randoms who need our advice. So maybe we can be a service to them. You know? All right.

Here we go. It sounds like that guy on the subway. Speak pipe. It sounds like a new vape place. With this pipe. This is from Cassie. Very bad at these. They never come up in time.

Hi, Josh and Ben. My name is Cassie. And me and my husband are huge fans of the good guys. My question is for Josh. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. My husband just recently got diagnosed with high cholesterol. Oh, this is good.

He's pretty young. He's only 29. And it sounds like it kind of like runs in his family. And so I just want to know all your tips and tricks to help keep your cholesterol. are all low. We're pretty active. And he actually just started taking like a statin. So anything you can tell us would be so helpful. I love you guys. So so much. Cassie, let me just say one thing. Congrats to your husband and his fat family. Yes. I've got them high LDLs. I just started on five milligrams of Crestore in the last six months. I went in to see my cardiologist.

He's giving me dabs in the office. It's giving me high fives. He's like, can you believe these numbers? Yes. I'm like, Dad? No, he's like, I'm not that happy with you. He was so proud. Well, Stacey, first of all, Stacy Cassie. Cassie, Cassie, Cassie, Stacy. It's similar. Cassie, you could tell by her voice, Cassie

is in shape, and her husband, you know, he's got high cholesterol in his family. And I don't know if he's in shape or out of shape, but Cassie, she has a nice, like, Colorado voice. Cassie sounds like she's a hiker. Non-regional. Non-regional. She's outdoor fitness. We like Cassie. And so I also have high cholesterol.

And I've had high cholesterol. Ready for this? High cholesterol since I'm nine. Me too. Wow. Since I'm nine years old. I haven't started on statins yet, but I was, I am on blood pressure medicine. Shout out Los Arden, 50 milligrams.

Blood pressure is now a beautiful 120 over 80 almost every time we crack it. So Dr. Drew told me little Losartin, little blood pressure medicine goes a long way, take the pressure of your kidneys. You have the high LDLs. But I ask you, my friend, just like I ask. Ask Cassie's husband. Where are the HDLs? Where is the good cholesterol? The good cholesterol to bad cholesterol ratio is what we're looking for.

The triglyceride count is what we're looking for. One factor alone being out of whack is not that big of a deal. It should be looked at, but it's not the worst thing in the world. If we have high LDLs and low HDLs, this is the problem. What you want to have is low LDLs and high HDLs. good cholesterol is your HDL. Those work as like little vacuum cleaners for your arteries. You want to, it's the LDLs, which is from food and the triglycerides, which are from food.

This is the problem. But exercising will get those HDLs up. And Cassie has exercise voice. She has Peloton voice. She seems like she's an exercise person. So I would tell her to get her husband's cholesterol filled heart. Did you almost get it? So close.

Damn it. Son of a bitch. Get her. Remi help. Help to get her husband's cholesterol filled heart into the gym with her. And I put the two things I would recommend are the Google the dash diet, which is like a Mediterranean-style diet. The Mediterranean-style diet is the one. You want to be eating, of course, lots of vegetables, lots of fishes, Google Mediterranean diet.

Watch this show on Netflix Secrets of the Blue Zone, how centenarians, people live to 100, what they're doing and what they do. And the common things they have, three common things. They eat high vegetables, high fish. They walk a lot, not necessarily running an excess car. They just lightly walk. And they are in communities. are not isolated and alone. The number one killer is people living alone. When you live alone and

when you're isolated, this whole idea of the suburb was an American thing for World War II veterans coming home. They are nowhere for them to live. So they built these suburbs, these American suburbs, and convinced you of the idea to drive all the way out on the highway and live in a house with the white picket fence in the backyard. It was all a bullshit thing. That's why when you go to these European cities, what is the common thing you see? The downtown area that you fall in love with the brick streets and the turn, whatever country, all living on top of each other. It's a survival mechanism. So sell your house. Cassie, right now you have to sell your house. You want to save your husband's life and go move to an apartment in downtown Denver where you're around people.

And also another thing, red yeast rice. Chinese red yeast rice is another hidden, hidden gem that cardiologists will not even be taking statins because of the side effects, but Chinese red yeast rice. No, it's the same. Chinese red yeast rice. Chinese red yeast rice is what. Chinese red yeast rice is what you should be eating in pill form, go down to China Town. It's not regulated. The Chinese live in Denver. It's irregulated. Get this man an MD.

Yes. Holy smokes, that was great. I'm telling you, this is the truth. All I got to say, Cassie, is wear that high cholesterol, like a badge of honor. Yes. My friends that have doubt, they're proud. They're treating it, but they're proud. It's cool.

Other thing I'll say, fattest man in the room? No, high cholesterol. No, it's genetics. It's all genetics. It's genetics. That said, my parents. What are you weigh? Sorry, Mom.

fat, they're all fat. What do you weigh? Because you don't look fat, but what do you weigh? I'm 240 now. I was 290 a year ago. I went on a Zempic. I've been off for six weeks. How do you feel?

I feel good. I feel good. Chrissy, did you take it or you just joked about it? No, no, no, I didn't take it. I intermittent fast. That's what changed my life. I do that too. Yes.

What are you eating hours? Ooh. What are my eating hours? One to nine. You go eight hours, one to nine. Yes. So I found that, and this is, again, just me, I found that I started to lose

more weight. I started to lose. Were you chubby? I was. I was 255 and now I'm 2.15. Okay. Oh, that's good. So I started to, I started to, you know, it's close.

You get him? No, it landed on your arm. He's been there. It's so close. Oh. No. Imagine I got him in my mouth. You would ruin your fasting.

We're done. Totally. Less than 30 calories. Where is it? Right. Less than 30 calories. Yeah, yeah. But I found that the earlier,

I eat the better. So even if my, when I did my eight hours from one to nine or two to ten, there was one because I was like, oh, I'm on the road. I found my weight loss stopped. When I,

now I pretty much go 10 a.m. to 10 or 12 to 6. I very rarely eat after 6. I found that even when I'm not working out, even when I'm eating high fatty foods, my weight is in that three to five pound fluctuation. It's been that way for like six months. Once I start eating personally,

I cannot stop. But until I start eating, I'm good. You're not hungry at all right. No, no, like I can go, I can go hours. I can even go till three. But once I start, I would like to eat. What are you going to have?

Because it's 125 right now as we're filming this. What are you going to have? I'm going to probably quickly have like a protein shake. It's not going to be something outrageous. No, no, not anymore. Not anymore. What OZempic did, I'm the biggest proponent of it. Interesting.

Learn what it's telling your mind, which is, hey, tubby, you don't need that much food. Not every single meal is your last meal. You don't need to order the whole menu. And it's okay. if you order a large sandwich to eat half of it. Like there are times where we muscle through it because like it's there, we want to. But for all of the people that say, oh, don't waste, I would rather waste than throw half a turkey sandwich down my body that it didn't want.

Right, because, you know, and I think that we, we don't need that much food. Well, because our, and parents are doing this less. I never say this to my kids. Oh, clear your plate. Yep. That was a thing that we grew up with. We don't do that. I don't never.

Jews still do it. Right. Juice still do it. You got a grandma's house, you still do it. Well, not my grandma, because she's been dead since I was seven. All right, what are you nuts moment of the week? Okay, okay. Like, what are you nuts meaning like something that I saw?

You want me to go and give you a little? Let me go last. Okay, okay. I'm on the plane and I'm getting off the plane. And I see the woman, she's, I don't know, Colorado hiker, maybe mid-20s. Look up. She's short. Her bag is far.

far ways away. So I go to her because she's looking up at it and I know it's a stretch. Right. I go to her and say, miss, can I help you with your bag? You look like maybe you could use some help. She's like, I don't need your help. Why would I need your help? And I'm like, well, you know, like it's far. Like I just just thought like, I don't need your help. I don't need your help. What are you nuts? Like, just take it. Take my help. You don't have to like get on stilts to go and get your bag. The one was five once. She couldn't reach. She couldn't reach. She's so proud. She was so angry that a man asked if she could help her take down her. bag. It's like lady, just understand that we're taller for the most part, except for Brittany

Griner. We're taller, right? Let me get your bag. Let me get your bag. No problem. What are you nuts? That's a Woody you nuts moment. You look, you go through your day. It's just small things that are like, what the hell is wrong with you? Like you really, you're going to pick a fight with me because I ask you if I could help you. Sounds like a mansplaining moment to me. I like it. All right. My Woody and Nuts is, you know, and I know, I feel like, Chrissy, you're going to identify with this. I've got a neighbor. nice enough guy. I've never met him. He makes his political leanings very clear.

The only right ones. Trump, jump, jump, jump. And not my political leanings. He's clearly extremely big fan of Donald Trump. Fine, great. God bless. Listen, we're neighbors. It doesn't matter. I think one way you think the other way, just make sure nobody breaks into my car.

I'll make sure no one steps on your grass. Right. Okay. Boom. Newly put in something new in his house. It's a hand-carved, wooden, sculpture of Joe Biden with the words comrade Biden over it. What are you nuts?

So much things you could spend money on. Do you have a commissioned? I mean, I don't think you can... Who's doing that on Etsy? Yeah, yeah. These are my comrade Biden, wooden flags. Chris. Yes, I know.

You're Chris's Etsy shop. Yeah, go to my... I actually have when I was... Thinking about it, I actually have a moment where somebody actually, the response was Waddy and Nuts to the person that did this. So this is an actual real Waddy and Nuts. It happened. It happened. This was maybe three, four weeks ago, because we just recently moved from Staten Island, Queens.

And my dad was with us. Tampa Tony. Shout out, Tampa Tony. And my two-year-old is in the car seat. And my dad, we normally, normally sits in the front. You normally would sit in the front seat and my daughter, you know, and I have a SUV because I got a big family. So my, you know, my kids would sit in the back and my dad's in the front. Well, this time because we're moving, we had to the last remaining items.

I had to put a TV in the front seat and my dad sat in the back with my two-year-old. So my two-year-old is in her car seat. We're driving over the Varazano Bridge, which takes from Staten Island in Brooklyn. And my dad has glasses on. And my daughter, for some reason, always gets like she needs, wants like the windows open. She just will always, even if it's freezing, she like needs the windows open. She's just like, we'll cry if you don't open the windows. So she was playing with my dad's glasses because my dad would always play with the glasses.

And then she asked, she said, Daddy, can you open the window? So I pressed the window down. And normally I just press it down a little bit, but I just was not paying attention. I pressed it all the way down. And the window, not child lock, went all the way down. And my two-year-old daughter threw my father's glasses out the window on the garage. And my dad looked at it and said, Violet, what do you know? And that actually happened.

And I was dying, laughing, and my dad couldn't see it until he got back to Florida. That's great. A plus. A plus. There it is. I'm so glad that Tony had that moment. Tony had that one of your nuts moment. Tell us you're on tour.

You have Hay Bay podcast. You got Chrissy Chaos. What's going on? So I got the Hay Bay podcast with Mr. Sal Volcano. We have Chrissy Chaos with my good friend Mike Cannon. Hey, babe's out on Thursdays. Chrisie Kass out on Mondays. And then, yeah, I'm on a stand-up tour,

chrisD.com, for all the tickets. I got, I'm actually going to be coming to L.A. in January at the Will-turn theater, beautiful theater. Beautiful theater. The will turn. What's that, $2,500? $2,500. Big, babe.

San Diego the day before in El Cajon. And Nashville, we got Washington, D.C.C. We got a whole bunch of dates on there, ChrisD.comty. I'm shooting a special, hopefully, in Atlanta. and I'm hopefully going to, the thing about comedy specials now is everybody's doing them, right?

You got Netflix, you got YouTube, whatever. It's a beautiful thing. I'm trying to do something that hopefully can make it to announce it tomorrow. I'll be the only way to get people really to watch it. Sometimes it's oversaturated market is to be the first to do something. First, so I might be the first comic

to have a special on this certain network. I'm hoping that that happens. So give me some type of advantage. Home and Garden. Alibaba. Al Jazeera. Close. Al Jazeera.

Thank you very much. I love you. Excellent show. So fun. And it's not as hot anymore. Now the heat turned off right when the show's ending. Yeah. By the way, it's freezing.

Yeah, it's fully freezing in here and the fly is still there. He's still there. I hope the fly lands on Casey Knice that's mouth. Give the disclaimer. What's the, what's he in? Follow us everywhere to do the thing. Thanks for watching our beautiful show. If it's not five stars, what is it?

Honestly, don't rate it. Unless you're going to give five stars, don't even bother. But this is five star quality. That's what you get. Listen to us wherever you get your podcast. never exactly know where that is, but it's definitely Apple, it's Spotify, and again, a bunch of random networks that nobody really knows about. Find us on YouTube. Josh's YouTube, it's fantastic. You can watch this video where swat and flies, right, the whole time. You won't even know.

The audio, you're just going to hear this. And you're like, why is Ben clapping? Why is Ben clapping? No, I'm trying to hit the fly that's been terrorizing us this entire episode. So yeah, watch us on YouTube, listen to us. And go see a show of Chris's. Go see mine. And then comment below. if you guys miss fat Ben. Yeah. Comment below if you miss more fat me. Or do we like skinny, Ben? Yeah.

And do we miss fat Josh? No, no, we don't have to do that poll. I don't need that. Do we miss fat Josh and do we miss fatter, Chris? Do we miss fatter, Chris? And do we miss Staten Island, Chris? I will move back if the fans want me to. And we could do the poll of do we think Chris came in the pod purely because he finally

saw me in Oppenheimer and realized I'm a big deal. Yes. Yes. I couldn't believe it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, it's there.

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